If You Can’t Sleep In The Same Bed…

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upsetinbedThe Question:

“I sleep very badly with my boyfriend and feel awful in the morning. Being alone for several years, I’m a light sleeper.

I suggested we sleep in separate beds but this nearly broke up the relationship, so I tried, but I’m hopeless on three hours sleep and wake in the night at every movement and noise from him.

Now I want to tell him I have to sleep alone in order to feel good and sexy in the morning. What is the problem mine or his? Genie”

My Answer:

Genie – The problem is yours.

AND it’s FIXABLE!!!

In my world, it cuts way back on the possibilities of emotional intimacy over time if you can’t sleep in the same bed with a man. It’s animal nesting.

Try things for THAT!!!

  • Take melatonin, drink chamomile tea, hot milk, Calms Forte…
  • Wear a sleep mask (saved my sleep life!)
  • Be careful what you eat and drink hours from bedtime
  • Wear earplugs (or noise-cancelling headphones!)
  • Get an UP bracelet so you can see how your sleep patterns go
  • Get a better BED!!!! Spend the money on a split king, so there are two separate mattresses, try memory foam so you don’t feel him move, etc….
  • Research “sleep better,” “sleep with noisy partner…”

Solve THIS problem!!!

You will have this problem with ANY man!!!

More Notes from me:

I have seen this kind of thing with SO many clients.

There’s “something” that doesn’t work. That makes a relationship with “this” man impossible, or makes “any” relationship “difficult.”

And what I always ask is: “So – then, perhaps you truly don’t WANT to live with someone? You don’t WANT to be in a relationship with all these requirements?”

And here’s the bigger set of questions:

Who SAID we have to be married?

Who SAID we have to be a “couple”?

Who SAID we can’t live just GREAT with serial lovers and one-night-stands, and great friends?

Who SAID we’re not allowed to create our own lives the way we want them? The way we REALLY want them, not just the way we “think” we want them, or have been TAUGHT to want them.

Give it some thought.

Do you REALLY want everything that goes with relationship?

The requirements for “being there”?

The requirements involving his family and friends, his needs, his wants?

The requirements involving all kind and manner of compromise, including not having the kind of “space” you’ve learned to love?

Love doesn’t solve ANY of this.

It’s all a trade-off in terms of what we might call “comfort.”

The learning relationship give us also requires that we WANT to look inside ourselves. That we actually WANT to grow and develop.

And – who SAID we “have” to do that?

Again – look into yourself. Ask yourself what you really want, and what you’re willing to trade to have that.

You can’t sleep WITH a man, and yet not WANT to sleep WITH a man. ((Unless you’re lucky enough to find a man who’s “comfort” needs dovetail with yours (a man who wants to sleep in a separate bed?) – well, great and solved if that happens!))

And yet, do you want to predicate an entire relationship on those “comfort” things?

In ADVANCE? (Like put them on your online dating profile?)

I say – the less “checklist” items, the better. See what you can do, what you can fix, what you have to walk away from, and what you truly want.

Love, Rori

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147 Comments

  1.  #1Kyla on March 24, 2014 at 7:15 am

    Great post. This is where I’m at. Simply dating is perfect for where I am right now. I don’t want to support a man or deal with the bumps in the road. My focus is 100% on me. I’ve been getting my boy energy in gear to evaluate everything in my life and what I can and can’t change at this moment.

    I am on day 4 of being caffiene, nicotine and carb free and I am starting to feel better already, my brain fog and low energy is lifting 🙂 I’m eating breakfast for the first time in 5 years 🙂 I got reflexology done yesterday 🙂 I’m taking the supplements and remedies that I know work for me 🙂
    I met my quarter targets with support from a colleague and so I will be in the best financial position I’ve ever been after a year of struggling to pay rent 🙂 I found a new daycare/activities arrangement for my son that will help him with his reading and his behaviour issues 🙂 I called a junk removal company to take away all R’s stuff that’s still in my house 🙂 I signed up for an unlimited month of yoga, pilates and meditation classes 🙂 My mom has helped me clean the house top to bottom 🙂

    I’m turning it all around and with better health, better sleep, better energy, better organisation and free from clutter and better pay I will be able to meet my obligations, pay off my debts and still have money, time and energy left over to spoil me and the kiddies. Woohoo!

    CDs are all on hold. Its me time.



  2.  #2CurvySiren10 on March 24, 2014 at 10:19 am

    I love this post Rori. It’s all very true. Love this the most:

    Who SAID we’re not allowed to create our own lives the way we want them? The way we REALLY want them, not just the way we “think” we want them, or have been TAUGHT to want them.

    Who SAID anything is a rule or ‘necessary’? I’m in the healthiest, most incredible relationship of my life and we’ve made our own ‘rules’ none of which are traditional or possibly the way others may do things. But it feels right for me (us) right now. And I don’t think I could be happier or feel more “lucky” in finding this compatibility at my stage of life.

    Thanks for this great post!



  3.  #3Magic seahorse on March 24, 2014 at 10:21 am

    I FEEL so happy reading this!!!!!! Thank you Rori! I am very happy tending to personal life and what gets me shiny and giggly or sometimes just a gentle floating along enjoying the breeze. I feel sooooooo much lighter in my relationship with my very own self………….. and yet my roots go through the crust of the earth to the center and I am strong. Thank you Rori and a very big thank you to Dominic also. Ad the sirens here too……………….. Just a huge load of gratitude to the world and heavens!!!!!



  4.  #4Magic seahorse on March 24, 2014 at 10:43 am

    I feel very light and happy reading Kyla siren!!!!! Go Kyla!!!!!!!

    I second what Curvy Siren said also!!!!! 🙂

    Tallyho!!!!!!! Have a stupendous day sirens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  5.  #5Dominique on March 24, 2014 at 12:51 pm

    Magic Seahorse – 🙂

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  6.  #6Helena Hart on March 24, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    Yay Kyla!!! That sounds awesome! 🙂

    Love, Helena



  7.  #7Mandy on March 24, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    Tereana – from last blog –

    Thank you, and what a great idea. I feel unpowerful when I notice how much emotional power this past situation still has on me. I’ve been wanting a powerful outlet…..kickboxing, karate, and shooting range all sound PERFECT for this…THANKS so much! 🙂



  8.  #8Mandy on March 24, 2014 at 2:00 pm

    By the way…

    I feel it is important for me to comment. Not only am I a CLASSIC insomniac (since I was a baby- I have a twin brother, and when we were small, as soon as his head hit the pillow, he’d be out, but I’d stay up and cry!), but also I have a man who snores like a truck driver, and takes up the whole bed, and we live in a studio apartment; as I type right now, he’s tossing and turning and getting annoyed with the keyboard sounds, because he’s right next to the computer.

    Here’s how I sleep; I have been prescribed Trazadone to take before bedtime, and when he’s ready to sleep, I take it, and I make sure we go to bed at the same time, and this is SNUGGLE time. We both LOVE it. It is IMPERATIVE we do this for the 15 mins it takes for us to fall asleep. I have talked with him as well about the snoring and he agreed it was totally acceptable to sweetly and gently wake him and ask him to turn over.

    BUT…the SNUGGLING is so important! I suggest you make 15 mins before bed to spoon and there will be something for you to look forward to when going to bed and also it will take care of the “animal bonding” Rori mentioned which is very important.

    Here’s a list of other bonding behaviors that might help keep you two close…(source – MiddlesexMD)

    •smiling, with eye contact
    •skin-to-skin contact
    •providing a service or treat without being asked
    •giving unsolicited approval, via smiles or compliments

    •gazing into each other’s eyes
    •listening intently, and restating what you hear

    •forgiving or overlooking an error or thoughtless remark, past or present

    •preparing your partner something to eat

    •synchronized breathing

    •kissing with lips and tongues

    •cradling, or gently rocking, your partner’s head and torso (works well on a couch, or pillows)

    • holding, or spooning, each other in stillness

    • wordless sounds of contentment and pleasure

    • stroking with intent to comfort

    • massaging with intent to comfort, especially feet, shoulders and head

    •hugging with intent to comfort

    •lying with your ear over your partner’s heart and listening to the heart beat

    •making time together at bedtime a priority

    •gentle intercourse

    Since I have a guy who is working through his sexual “burnout”, along with depression and health issues, I make sure I fit in as much of this stuff as I can into our relationship for enough intimacy so I don’t notice we don’t have regular sex 100% of the time.

    Maybe you can use these in the list as responses to something you like that he does, like if he reaches out to touch you, respond by making it snuggle time, or giving him a nice long kiss…Just don’t forget to let him know when you love what he does and this can lead to a snuggle session. Or in your feminine way, tell him how much you love doing one of the bonding behaviors listed with him and then ask if you can schedule it! 🙂

    Hope this helps! 🙂



  9.  #9April Rose on March 24, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    My experience is that sleeping in the same bed varies depending on the man.

    I believe that sleeping with the right man will result in refreshing sleep.



  10.  #10April Rose on March 24, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    I never was with a man that I felt I wanted to ‘nest’ every night with.



  11.  #11Mandy on March 24, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    I was reading an Evan Mark Katz blog and it talked about how I wanted a man who didn’t want a wedding and that’s what I got. As soon as I thought this, I looked over at my guy sleeping, and I instantly smiled and felt a very sharp feeling of love in my heart.

    It was weird! 🙂

    But the blog then read, “If the ‘I don’t want to be married’ thing wasn’t a red flag, then him borrowing my money for drinks (which is selfish, short-sighted behavior) should have been. People CAN be stable without getting married… They’re just less likely to be stable because they aren’t AS committed as a married couple.” Hm. He’s the most loyal boyfriend I have ever had though…

    I am considering relocating to a bigger apartment with a bedroom instead of a studio so we can sleep better and have more room, but also so we can be closer to my parent’s house so they can save money on gas going to and from our place, and also so we can choose a safer neighborhood; this may be pulling him further away from friends and family…and asking him to blend in more with my friends and family, although I don’t see myself doing so…I’m not certain this is what J wants to do so I am hesitant. He may feel like a 1950’s housewife if I just decide to move us!

    He’s also depressed and not working. He does like to have something to do and having money of his own, who doesn’t, but he has anxiety issues and he would like to switch careers. This is fine with me. He is looking to work at a hotel again. But he doesn’t really have friends who will hang out outside the local bar with him. If he wants to work at a hotel, and be close to his drinking buddies (even though he said he’s kind of done with them), he might feel angry still.

    Then, we’re still working on having more frequent sex. He was awesome and brought it up to his doc and I told him I was absolutely positively ecstatic he did this! He also started taking antidepressants! He also said it would happen again, lol. We take care to use many bonding behaviors outside actual intercourse.

    Do we have problems making decisions as a team though? Do we have healthy communication? We’ve discussed each issue multiple times and continue to. I may have an unhappy guy, but he seems to want to make things work or him, me and us. That feels good.

    One thing’s clear, I need to make sure we both can agree we want the same thing!



  12.  #12Cris on March 24, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    maybe it is exciting to visit each other’s bed 😛

    not for me, thanks…



  13.  #13April Rose on March 24, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    “…Cause I don’t like that feeling that I’m the one chasing a man. I’m too beautiful, valuable, wonderful, aged, wise, adorable, wanted, awesome, bubbly, … for that. Men chase ME. Men vie for my attention. And that’s just the way it needs to be for me, in order for me to feel good about a dating/relationship/male female/ type situation. I won’t go back to the position of longing for attention and trying to change a man and convince him to want me. I just simply don’t like feeling that way.”

    Andrea, this is wonderful.

    I’m feeling my way through my own situation in the light of this juicy wisdom.

    When I’m away from WM I don’t have many thoughts of him.
    When we’re living in the same place (workplace) and there are some nice moments, I start to want more.

    I have a blind spot – can’t see whether I am accepting crumbs, or else having too many expectations (is it his fault or mine?)



  14.  #14Amazed on March 24, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    Thanks Mandy for those suggestions…I sleep over at my man’s every second weekend when I don’t have my kids. He snores incredibly loud as well so I can relate. I think I will get noise cancelling headphones or ear plugs to try. I love snuggling as well and with my man’s health issues, depression and lack of sex drive with stress as well…I need intimacy so I’m hoping something helps. I feel so adored and cherished by him that I don’t want to sleep separately although some nights I am tempted. Lol I do look forward to my own bed at home after being with him for a couple nights in a row though!



  15.  #15Amazed on March 24, 2014 at 6:56 pm

    Mandy..the more you write..the stronger I feel you. It’s almost like my life with my man is a reflection of yours! I feel encouraged by you and I know I have to let mine know I appreciate him talking to his doc about his lack of sex drive. Do the antidepressants help? I heard that they can actually cause someone to have a lowered sex drive so I am hoping if he takes some it won’t get worse. As I said on the last blog he said he wants to give me a full body massage next visit because he knows how much I love being touched. <3



  16.  #16Shannon P. on March 24, 2014 at 7:28 pm

    I like the second part. The first part pissed me off. So dismissive, even cruel. Anyone with a sleep disorder doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship? Really? We’re not good enough for a relationship?

    Just throw a little melatonin at it (cause surely we’ve never tried that) and it’ll magically go away!

    Or warm milk, which we’ve surely never tried, either… yeah, that’ll just cure it right away. Whew, now we’ve solved insomnia, what’s next?!

    Seriously??



  17.  #17Jane on March 24, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    Rori is right. This is a problem with any man/every man. So reframe it like I did. Tell yourself this is a man who loves me who snores like a grizzly bear to protect me from danger. And I love being protected and safe. I am a bad snorer too (my kids recorded me on vacation one time) so I could not “blame” anyone for this situation. And now I don’t have to. It really works when you take a different approach.



  18.  #18Indigo on March 24, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    Wow, this post hit a raw nerve.

    I sent it to my ex, which was maybe not a good move. Then again, I don’t think he read it. Then again, I don’t think it matters.

    I don’t think I will ever find the words to describe what being shut out of the bedroom of the man I loved did to me. Not just on “bad” nights, not just on week nights… every night. I want to put it behind me. I don’t ever want to go back to that place. I won’t ever go back. It was a relationship challenge I was entirely unprepared for, and I could never seem to show him what it was doing to my heart.

    Aarg, very triggered.



  19.  #19Indigo on March 24, 2014 at 9:47 pm

    He did actually recently let me sleep in his bed. For the first time in over 2 years.

    I wish I knew, more than anything, a magic formula to get through to a man with a closed-off heart. I wish I could love him out of this… whatever it is.



  20.  #20Indigo on March 24, 2014 at 9:51 pm

    This is a man who, for the last 2 years or more has been threatening to find someone else, to get another girlfriend, but he’s never actually done it. But he won’t let me get close either. Or he does, for tiny periods of time, and then pushes me away in a way where I have no choice but to back off.

    And he keeps everyone at a distance, and himself in this limbo state where relationships never progress or deepen, and he never opens up or becomes vulnerable. That’s if a relationship even gets a chance to begin with, which none have since me.

    I’m beyond myself with him. All I can actually do is look on with compassion and carry on with my own life.



  21.  #21Daria on March 24, 2014 at 11:52 pm

    whoa feels weird to read all in that mans business like that

    I feel smug and better than that I’m not going as hard into get rights business… I want to even less

    I love myself and my patterns .

    Felt fun talking to POF guy for like 2 hrs. Logistic issues and long phone first timers have so far not panned out to meet.

    However that’s somewhat arbitrary and not something I need to think about



  22.  #22Daria on March 24, 2014 at 11:55 pm

    I feel triggered. Cuz it’s on the woman. The allowing herself to be treated that way. The doing to her heart.

    I never seemed to manage – idiomatic phrases are clues to my trauma memories are launching — to show myself what it was doing to my heart.

    I don’t need to show him. I don’t need him to get what putting me down does to me.

    I just am getting it for me. That’s do cool that this is about tO help him too, anyway.



  23.  #23Mandy on March 24, 2014 at 11:57 pm

    Amazed – 15 –

    We should keep in touch here, we are going through situations very similar! We can learn together 🙂

    SMILES!



  24.  #24Daria on March 24, 2014 at 11:59 pm

    Shannon, yeah it’s kinda serious though. Do we want to reduce intimacy for sleep disorder?

    Is emotional intimacy worth working through sleep disorders?

    Sex disorders?

    Body pain? Vaginismus?

    Rape traumas?

    It’s so much easier not to go there… But this pesky intimacy doesn’t let even our pain and illness go unexplored.



  25.  #25Daria on March 25, 2014 at 12:04 am

    Mandy you seem like masculine energy in the relationship, yet respectful of your man. I feel intrigued!



  26.  #26Daria on March 25, 2014 at 12:05 am

    I don want to beat myself up for all the masculine energy thoughts im leading with



  27.  #27Daria on March 25, 2014 at 12:11 am

    I feel mistrustful hmm I feel judgemental and scared ….

    I open my heart I feel Sad

    I feel sad seein people hurt or limit themselves…

    Sigh 🙁

    I feel powerless and I dong wanna feel that way. And also I’m not. Powerless



  28.  #28Daria on March 25, 2014 at 12:15 am

    I feel sad scared of my judgyvoices judging Daria now

    Ouch ouch ouch

    I don’t feel goo attacking/judging, althought it feels so ….like what is Really going thru my head

    Feels challenging to trust that it’s not dishonest to not share what’s going thru my head

    that only my heart and womb is enough, that it’s not gonna ‘ruin everything ‘ (trauma idiom!) or ‘miss essential information ‘

    Hmmmm

    Thus game feels fun

    I feel scare to read more posts



  29.  #29Mandy on March 25, 2014 at 2:11 am

    Daria – I am a masculine energy woman, I wear a boys hat a lot, do my own freelance business, take care of many tasks and take care of my man…I am a take-charge gal; I like his feminine energy, yet he steps up when I want to be the one to lean back, and he is respectful sweet and caring to me and very tender 🙂

    It seems to work when everything’s sympatico 🙂



  30.  #30Shannon P. on March 25, 2014 at 4:19 am

    Right, Daria. Because a sleep disorder is something you can just “work through”… and something that I’ve never tried to “work through” before. Apparently I enjoy my sleep disorder, or I would have waved my magic wand already?



  31.  #31prplpsn28 on March 25, 2014 at 6:11 am

    🙂



  32.  #32Syreena on March 25, 2014 at 6:51 am

    This woman appears to e saying that she can and does get more and better sleep when sleeping alone.
    And that every noise and movement from another person re her boyfriend disturbs her.

    So how is warm milk melatonin etc etc going to solve that?

    This happens with some women who sleep with men who snore.

    This happens with some women and there babies who snuffle, snort grunt etc. And who’s babies wake more with them in the room because they smell the milk on the Mother.

    The questions if it is to do with noise would be what noises?
    What can be done about the noises?
    What is the best solution?

    When my family have shared a family room at times it has been a nightmare and nobody sleep properly. The sleep is always less and more disturbed.
    Yes blocking noise helps a little.
    That also comes at a cost though. So would then be a case of weighing up if that cost was worth it.

    It would be finding the CAUSE of what was keeping the individual woman awake.

    So the question I would ask would be what noises etc?
    Or is the fidgeting and such more of a problem?



  33.  #33Syreena on March 25, 2014 at 6:57 am

    I don’t see how it is just the woman who has to do things if for instance the man was snoring.

    There isn’t really enough questions been asked or enough information been given to know the best solutions and options available to make it a REALISTIC POSSIBILITY of the woman in question being able to get a good nights sleep sharing her bed with the man in question or another man.
    More information is needed.



  34.  #34Linda on March 25, 2014 at 9:27 am

    Sleep issues are huge if you have them.

    My last relationship was chocked full of them. I personally do not have any problems falling asleep, falling back asleep etc. he however had several difficulties. THere was an working thru them mostly however, I was not prepared to have him be so mean about it all. Eventually he chilled out about it all but it left its mark . Sure we talked about it, sure adjustments were made but it was always in the back of my mind and I felt ill at ease. To have a cell phone recording made of me snoring and have it played as evidence of his “right to be upset” was hurtful. I sooo could have returned the favor, but why repay mean with mean. I could write a book here but I wont.

    This was coming from a man that has really bad sleep apnea but wont use the c-pap, snores scarey loud and then coughs, gasps for air. Took a sleep medication that affected his memory and to say crazy things in his sleep(which he never remembered). Toss and turn, up and down, eating thru the night…. it was exhausting !

    Eventually things leveled out. He accepted responsibility for his issues,stopped being mean and pouty about the sleep stuff. He accepted the dog who has slept on the bed with me for 11 years. I used my sleepmask, got ear plugs, and decided it was not my responsibility to make sure he breathed and did not suffocate from his sleep apnea. Yes we worked out some things but… ultimately this was just one of the elements of the complexity of things that led to the relationship not working.

    I can say it is soooo important to communicate with kindness if you have issues like these in this post. No need to ring bells you cant unring and create undue anxiety in the other. Their feelings are just as important as your sleep.



  35.  #35Iris on March 25, 2014 at 9:35 am

    Hey Sirens,

    I’ve been feeling insecure, which has made me feel this sense of urgency. I need to share my feelings, or else I feel like I’m going to explode with so much unused energy.

    So my boyfriend J usually texts me every night before going to sleep. It’s usually really late, so I respond in the morning, and greet him. This was a normal, unspoken procedure: he’d text me at night, and I’d text him in the morning.

    Recently, J has been dealing with a lot at work. His co-worker got severely injured, doubling J’s workload. Ever since his co-worker got injured, J’s energy is coming less towards me. He doesn’t text me as much as he did.

    This has only been going on for a few days, so I’m trying to lean back. I told J that things were starting to feel weird. (I wasn’t attacking.) But then he just lashed back, saying he’s stressed out.

    I’m starting to sense that J wants me to text him more often; that he feels frustrated that he initiates contact all of the time. (I really don’t know if this is the case. My fears maybe painting this picture of my own personal reality.)

    So here’s a normal example that many of you ladies have experienced. Man withdraws. Woman freaks out. She starts to lean forward and chase the man. Man withdraws more.

    So I’ve decided to lean WAY back, but of course I’m feeling confused, sad, frustrated, and disconnected. I’m using my energy towards taking care of myself, sleeping and eating well, exercising, and doing recreational activities. I am respecting my insecure feelings, and not stuffing them.



  36.  #36Iris on March 25, 2014 at 9:36 am

    *Oh yeah, should have mentioned that J’s co-worker was so severely injured that he’s been hospitalized.



  37.  #37Linda on March 25, 2014 at 9:36 am

    Indigo… I can you feel you carry a deep love for D in your heart. The depth of the hurt and or triggers over things like what you posted about are not fun.

    My dad was a man of few words.. he would often say.. “sometimes you just have to take a drink of water and keep on walking”. I guess that was his version of ” Put in on your horse and ride on” we use here.

    (Hugs)

    Shannon… (hugs) after my experience with my last relationship.. sleep issues are a big deal !



  38.  #38Linda on March 25, 2014 at 9:40 am

    Iris – there are some wonderful posts on Dominiques website that might give you some insight into the issues you are feeling and help you understand him a bit more. They sure did help me.

    Just click on her name on a post and you are there!



  39.  #39Dominique on March 25, 2014 at 9:46 am

    Iris – I apologize if you’ve said before, and I’ve forgotten. Have you been together for awhile? Are you exclusive?

    If yes, you can check in with him, especially if he’s under a lot of stress. Not in a mothering or smothering way, just to check in.

    But please be sure you can do this and not feel upset or disappointed if he doesn’t respond or if you’re looking for something from him, i.e expectations/agenda.

    Since you don’t really know if he is feeling annoyed that he initiates more than you, you could try initiating some. You WILL feel if it becomes too much, for you will feel a pulling back, a withdrawal. You will also feel if it’s well received.

    And how he responds could change depending on the time and situation, so you can adjust accordingly.

    xxoo



  40.  #40Andrea on March 25, 2014 at 10:06 am

    Hi Iris, I don’t know if this will help.

    I feel so much gratefulness toward your J.

    “Oh just thank you so so much honey for communicating with me the other day about how you’re stressed out. I feel worried sometimes and insecure. Now I feel peaceful understanding. I feel so proud that I am the woman of a man who can so readily step up to the plate at work. I feel so turned on just fantasizing and anticipating the next time I see you and I want to show you how proud I am of you.”

    Please don’t feel insecure. This is a wonderful time for you to get back in touch with you and with all the reasons that you decided to be exclusive with J. It’s a time to really reiterate to yourself how he is the best of all the men you have available to you. He is the very best of all the men who you deserve. And then…. come up with ways to show him how much you respect him. How proud you are that he has such good work ethic. How turned on you feel when you anticipate him holding you again. How manly he is. Oh it’s so exciting and maybe one afternoon you’re just relaxing on your couch in your soft white cashmere sweater that clings to your curves in such a sexy way, and you just can’t help letting your mind wander to fantasies of him walking in right there and kissing you. And maybe you just text that to him… no urgency, no neediness… just you feeling turned on by thoughts of the man you love… and just wanting to share that with him. No expectations…



  41.  #41Amazed on March 25, 2014 at 10:17 am

    Linda, thank you for your post..I connected with you with being with a man who has sleep apnea and does the not breathing then gasping for air thing. I was concerned at first but he won’t use his machine and I decided as well that it wasn’t my responsibility to make he used the machine. I can’t make him use it. Having said that I will have to use a sleep mask and ear plugs apparently as he thinks keeping the tv on will help me sleep..??



  42.  #42Amazed on March 25, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Iris..I felt like that as well..I don’t always want to initiate texting because I need to know how he feels about me. However I do text him initially at times and he responded yesterday with “that made my afternoon” when all I texted to him was a heart. I didn’t do it expecting anything in return and I wanted to let him know I was thinking about him. I love it when he texts me goid morning or good night but we don’t have a routine. I don’t feel upset when he doesn’t but I know when he does I should respond by letting him know how much I love getting his texts.



  43.  #43Iris on March 25, 2014 at 11:04 am

    #37 @ Linda, thanks! I wonder if you’re talking about Dominique’s post about expectations. I was totally thinking of that one.



  44.  #44Iris on March 25, 2014 at 11:05 am

    #38 @ Dominique

    J and I had been in an imaginary relationship for a year and a half; been dating exclusively for about two months. I’m at this point where I am unsure how much and when to give back. I prefer that the man initiates contact, and I feel like what motivates me to text him is fear. I feel afraid that if I don’t do something, I will feel worse. I also feel afraid that if I do something, like initiating contact and texting I am leaning too forward, and that the more you give to a man, the worse it will get. After all, it’s leaning back—being and not doing—which is what attracted J to me to the point that he was demanding exclusivity from me.

    After reading from you Sirens that it’s okay that I initiate contact, that I can check on him in a un-motherly, I decided to text him…. And I felt a little better. I feel so confused about it all—how much to give and when to give back when you’re in an exclusive relationship. I felt comfortable with it when it came to just dating—now that I’m in relationship, I’m feeling insecure on the whole giving back thing!



  45.  #45Iris on March 25, 2014 at 11:05 am

    #39 @ Andrea, thanks! I used a lot of your words in my text to J.

    #41 @ Amazed, I decided to text him as you advised. I actually felt a little better.



  46.  #46Amazed on March 25, 2014 at 11:24 am

    I’m glad you feel better iris 🙂 I don’t do it everyday..and sometimes I don’t hear from him for 24 hours. Doesn’t happen often though. I do still want him to miss me and that can’t happen if I am always texting. If I feel the urge that I really should reach out though I do with a simple hi and smiley or heart. He always answers back more with that so than if I had asked about his day. But as I said I don’t do it expecting a response. It is difficult to know what we should do in a relationship. We know not to initiate while dating but I feel some initiation when in a commited relationship is ok, but that’s just me and it works with my man. He feels upset if I consistently do not text first. He wants to know as well that his feelings are returned.



  47.  #47Dominique on March 25, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Iris – Try feeling into this. Every man is different; every relationship is different. A basic “rule” is to allow a man to lead and initiate, yet as a relationship grows, there will be more of a flow.

    This article doesn’t completely apply to you, yet there is much in here that does. It may help.

    http://sexandheart.com/when-is-it-okay-to-initiate-2/

    xxoo



  48.  #48Iris on March 25, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    Hey Sirens!

    Wow! I just experienced something amazing! So I followed the advice of Linda, Dominique, Andrea, and Amazed, and initiated contact and texted J. This is what I told him:

    “J, you make me feel so lucky to be with such a hard-working man. I respect you so much. You’re always so good about texting me, and seeing how I am when we’re apart, and I’m feeling guilty that maybe I don’t do it enough. Anyway, I know you’re busy, so I just want to say real quick that I am truly lucky to be with such a wonderful man.”

    And then he blew up my phone with a bunch of texts of how much he loves me, that my message made his day, and how lucky he was to be with me.

    I’ll start initiating texting more—but not all the time, like what Amazed said. And I’ll do my best to not have expectations.



  49.  #49Mandy on March 25, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    Iris –

    Unused energy is what I deal with DAILY! Ever tried getting on an elliptical trainer, a treadmill or just a ground to walk/run on, had music with you, cranked it up and let the energy move you, and felt relief afterwards?

    Helps me immensely 🙂



  50.  #50Iris on March 25, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    #46 @ Dominique, just read your article. Wow! You hit the nail on the head with that one. It was totally reflecting what I was going through! Thanks, it helped a lot!



  51.  #51Dominique on March 25, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    Iris – 🙂

    xxoo



  52.  #52Iasmina on March 25, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    Rori, I feel lost in all these programs you are offering and that.s why I want to tell you shortly about my case so you can recommend me the best program. I am in love with a guy whom I first saw in 2011 when he came in my town to perform. He is a musician and is living in a country near mine. We actually live 3 hours drive from each other. He is very popular amongst women and I believe that at times he doesn.t even believe anymore when a girl tells him that she is in love with him! I first got in contact with him online through facebook in 2012. At times he replied to my very long messages but very shortly! THan I called him and luckily this year on 31s of January we had our first meeting so to say (I don. t want to call it a date). THings went well, we had lunch together, he paid for it. ANd we talked. MOstly he asked me many questions!I was quite afraid offending him so I didn.t ask him many questions. I was very nervous and despite my warmest feelings for him I was unusually cold towards him. EVen though I wanted to talk to him about us and my feelings for him I didn.t had courage but still 5 minutes before we left the restaurant I mentioned something about this. I asked him how did he understood my messages and he said that he believes I did this as a friend and not something else. THen I didn.t say that what I actually felt was love because that was our first date and I feared he would think I am wierd since I fell in love with him so fast. BUt I repeat he is a known musician so I followed his work, I saw him at various shows so I could fall in love with him before meeting him in person.I must mention that after meeting him I could only become more amazed. HE is a real gentleman! BUt when I asked him whether he wants to stay in touch with me he said that he believe that the distance between us might represent an obstacle. He evrn mentioned that, he thinks that two people who are a couple should sleep together, have sex, because every man has his needs.these are his exact words! THen he says that even if he had a girlfriend in the same town with him he wouldn.t have time to meet her more than once a week, so I find it contradictory..what is the problem that I am few hours away if we wouldn.t meet very oftenly anyway?? Rori, I fear I might have made many mistakes at my first date with him because when I am in love I try my best to make things work, I am a pursuer I think and this made things go wrong. He hasn.t wtitten me since then! I even told him that I would move in the future to his town with job and that I could easily cope with his lifestyle and career too. He was surprised to hear this! I believe that with the help of your programs I could begin a relationship with him but where should I start since we are not close and we somehow both agreed we dont want a facebook relationship!! THank you in advance!!!



  53.  #53Iris on March 25, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    #48 @ Mandy, yup. I love how my legs feel like jelly after using the elliptical! I always feel wonderful after a workout

    #50 @ Dominique 😀



  54.  #54Lisa on March 25, 2014 at 2:49 pm

    @ Indigo I feel for you and I know from my own experience what that feels like… and I know what it feels like to want to get into a man’s heart ….. and in my experience with the men I’ve had that with… it was hopeless, no way to get into a man’s heart, he is the only one that can open his heart….and I’ve heard it can happen, just hasn’t for me. <3 <3

    I realized a long time ago the reason I fell for men like that, b/c my Dad was that way…. and I was hooked on the idea of winning by getting into his heart…helping him open it up…

    even though with "M" that wasn't my thoughts, or desire, it ended up happening anyways,,, and as soon as his heart opened up, he shut it right back up and then broke up with me…

    I feel really sorry ( not in a co-dependent way) for men that can't ever allow themselves to open their heart and get close to a woman, b/c really it is eating up their lives… sad eh? that they spend their lives avoiding the very thing that would bring them the most happiness and joy…

    I figured out that I have hidden beliefs that "my feelings don't matter" and that "others wants come before mine" SO, I'm thinking – wondering if that is what attracts selfish – narcissistic men… men that only take care of themselves and their own feelings…. and seem to put mine on the back burner or throw them in the trash??? I would think so….

    I want a man that can and will open his heart to me and takes my feelings and wants into consideration!!!

    OXOXO



  55.  #55gracie on March 25, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    I have a question about a guy at work. We’ve worked together for about 4 years 9 1/2 months now. I’ve said hi, he’s said hi. Lately he comes up and chats. One time he just laid across my desk and looked in my mirror above the desk and said” Now that’s a handsome man in the mirror there, don’t you think that’s a handsome man?” ?? That’s flirting or wanting my attention, right? Another time I just said good morning to him and he went a little nutso…started playing peek a boo behind my name plate in the aisle. ?? Every time we accidently run into each other in the hall we both sort of freeze in place, like ‘deer in the headlights’ type thing, for a few minutes, like we aren’t sure what to do or say…around the holidays this happened and after the staring and freezing this, he said “uh, you go that way and I’ll go this way” and we both moved. ?? Is he trying to tell me something here or just being friendly? I think it’s flirting or attention getting…and the freezing thing whenever we accidently meet? That’s like weird…I’ve never in my life had that happend with anyone else, ever…but does a guy notice that, or ?? to me it’s like an attraction thing, or a magnetic pull toward each other somehow. What do you think is going on here? I want an unbiased opinion, so it’s not just me thinking something strange is going on…I’m rather shy and old fashioned, and waiting for him to ask me out or something, which he hasn’t…a few weeks ago he started dating someone else at work out of the blue, whether she asked him or a friend fixed them up I believe. Now I”m wondering if I was imagining the whole thing…what do you think? I really like this guy alot…the first one i’ve really been interested in in 20 years!!!LOL Long time…we’re both single, except for the recent dating of this new person…?? HELP!! Gracie



  56.  #56gracie on March 25, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    I have a question about a guy at work. We’ve worked together for about 4 years 9 1/2 months now. I’ve said hi, he’s said hi. Lately he comes up and chats. One time he just laid across my desk and looked in my mirror above the desk and said” Now that’s a handsome man in the mirror there, don’t you think that’s a handsome man?” ?? That’s flirting or wanting my attention, right? Another time I just said good morning to him and he went a little nutso…started playing peek a boo behind my name plate in the aisle. ?? Every time we accidently run into each other in the hall we both sort of freeze in place, like ‘deer in the headlights’ type thing, for a few minutes, like we aren’t sure what to do or say…around the holidays this happened and after the staring and freezing thing, he said “uh, you go that way and I’ll go this way” and we both moved. ?? Is he trying to tell me something here or just being friendly? I think it’s flirting or attention getting…and the freezing thing whenever we accidently meet? That’s like weird…I’ve never in my life had that happen with anyone else, ever…but does a guy notice that, or ?? to me it’s like an attraction thing, or a magnetic pull toward each other somehow. What do you think is going on here? I want an unbiased opinion, so it’s not just me thinking something strange is going on…I’m rather shy and old fashioned, and waiting for him to ask me out or something, which he hasn’t…a few weeks ago he started dating someone else at work out of the blue, whether she asked him or a friend fixed them up I believe. Now I”m wondering if I was imagining the whole thing…what do you think? I really like this guy alot…the first one I’ve really been interested in in 20 years!!!LOL Long time…we’re both single, except for the recent dating of this new person…?? HELP!! Gracie



  57.  #57April Rose on March 25, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    I love this comment Lisa.
    And I’m feeling reflective on what you wrote.



  58.  #58April Rose on March 25, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    I’m still pondering ‘animal nesting’.

    I reckon if WM and I slept in the same bed we’d be even more irritated with each other.



  59.  #59April Rose on March 25, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    Where is Femininewoman?

    I miss you.



  60.  #60Daria on March 25, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    Shannon – I believe you CAN work through a sleep disorder or any disorder – such as trauma, chronic pain, ptsd, phobias – if emotional intimacy is something on the other side of the working

    for me the desire for a relationship is a greater motivator to heal than almost anything else

    if that was me, i would take babysteps and be gentle with myself and keep ‘working’ at healing

    i would not force myself to sleep with a man all at once if my babysteps hadn’t brought me to that yet. and…. very importantly…. i’d still be taking babysteps

    my thoughts came up with the image of a woman who experienced vaginismus – intense pain and tighteninng of the vagina when touched… even that is something one can work through for the desire of intimacy



  61.  #61Daria on March 25, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    ehhh i do not feel safe

    sorry Daria

    i love you!



  62.  #62Don on March 25, 2014 at 3:59 pm

    It was hard for me at first, sleeping with someone every night, but I became used to it over time. Now I have a hard time falling asleep when she is out of town! We have a fan on the room that creates white noise”. This drowns out a lot of sound from the other person. You might want to try that in addition to the suggestions above.



  63.  #63Daria on March 25, 2014 at 4:15 pm

    i dont feel safe arguing or getting in ppls business

    i feel triggered

    i feel triggered and sad hearing some stuff, and seeing limits where i think i’d feel better without them

    i feel fearful of attacks

    i feel sad and am replaying ‘stories’



  64.  #64Rori Raye on March 25, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    Gracie – Perhaps he was looking for a signal from you that you were open? Just try SMILING at him, and complementing his tie. Love, Rori



  65.  #65Rori Raye on March 25, 2014 at 4:28 pm

    Iasmina, Welcome, and I feel concerned for you. You sound very, very young – and very, very naive and inexperienced. This man is only looking for sex. He has no interest in anything else. He thought you were one thing, and you turned out to be shy, very young and inexperienced – and we wasn’t about to push you into bed – that would have been impossible. You need assistance understanding men, love, relationship and dating. Please, please hire one of my Certified Coaches (The Directory is in the sidebar of Pages) – and FORGET about this man!!!!! He is not real! You did nothing wrong. Love, Rori



  66.  #66Lisa on March 25, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    @AprilRose Thanks!<3

    I just did TheWork and I'm seeing more clearly now how I teach people and most especially men how they shouldn't care about my feelings…. soo wonderful to come to inquiry and notice the part that I can change… me!

    OXOXO



  67.  #67Tereana on March 25, 2014 at 4:49 pm

    Oh my. I haven’t had time to read all the comments, but this is SO relatable to me right now!! I’m on an edge with M that I don’t actually know if we’ll get past…

    I’ve been cranky with him lately, and I felt bad, so I pulled back. I also had a bad dream, in which I dreamt that he cheated on me. I told him, and I know it upset him. But I finally realized the problem wasn’t that he was going to cheat. The problem is, he hasn’t barely kissed me in over a month, and I’m dying!!!! That is, my poor, sweet, romantic flower is shriveled and brittle, and it’s about to break and die.

    I asked if we could have a “kissing session.” And he agreed. We planned to meet up this evening. But he had issues at work, and finally told me he couldn’t make it.

    So I told him – kind of joking – that if he doesn’t kiss me, I’ll have to find someone who will. But I’m also serious. He said “I understand.” So I basically take that to mean that he’d rather break up with me than actually attend to my physical needs and desires, which I’ve been quite clear about.

    I responded with some more feeling messages – not blaming, I hope, but being as clear as I could about how I feel. Absolutely not response. I know he was still at work. I believe he had a lot to do. But how I feel in the relationship is important, too. A girl can’t live on texts and emoji kisses alone. Ha.

    So we’ll see what happens. Maybe I don’t have a “boyfriend” anymore. Maybe we were just playacting and imagining a relationship all along. I can’t believe he wouldn’t want to kiss me. It’s not up to me. If he has desire, HE needs to kiss me. No nuts about it. 80/20. At least. But hey, if we break up, I will be super excited to go back and visit S in San Francisco in May.

    Which reminds me – M has not put himself as “in a relationship” on Fb yet. I think he’s not call that serious. Oh well. Too bad. I am the prize. Lol. I am what he wants. If he keys that flower die, it is his choice and responsibility. I’ve expressed myself all that I can…



  68.  #68iasmina on March 25, 2014 at 4:58 pm

    WE are both 27 years old. I think i said very clearly that I want to know which program might help me with this guy,,,i didnt ask you if you believe whether he is right for me or not!! So, i expect a better answer! I am Not interested in other men, anyway all of them are idiots, i am interested in this one !!!!



  69.  #69Kyla on March 25, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    I got a big clunk in the head today when my mom’s words from the other night finally sank in:

    ‘you know how amazing you feel when you can help someone out, especially when you know that they really need it? Well WE like that feeling too! Why do you keep us from helping? It makes us feel good and useful. It hurts us to see you down and not knowing why or how to help. We know you’re fantastic but we still want to be able to do things for you.’

    I really thought I was doing well with receiving before but I can see now it was the people closest to me that I kept the farthest away. I’m feeling more clarity.



  70.  #70Daria on March 25, 2014 at 5:21 pm

    Mandy – that is soooo cool 🙂 I’ve heard of Rori talk about this kind of dynamic in her programs,

    but your is the first time i got a great feeling vibe reading about this kind of relationship



  71.  #71Daria on March 25, 2014 at 5:25 pm

    Iasmina – yikes, from your post and about ‘other men’ theres a lot of learning to do !

    I would always start with the book. Have the Relationship You Want. its also the most affordable at 20$



  72.  #72Daria on March 25, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    i feel so drawn to frequently disagreeing and arguing with people



  73.  #73Daria on March 25, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    this pof man was asking about coaching, and i created another coaching email for wider range!

    yay me!

    i feel annoyed when men joke they want coaching

    i plan on charging men for it, hmm i feel all agressive about this



  74.  #74Tereana on March 25, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    Hm…..M did write back to me. But it’s not totally inspiring. To me, it sounds like empty, random promises. “Whenever you need me, I’ll be there.” (I needed you tonight. I told you that. You agreed to come. And you’re not here.) I don’t know when I’ll get to see you next. “Don’t worry. I’ll see you soon.”

    When is “soon”???

    We all know men have different timelines. But I have to respect my own. “Soon” may not be soon enough before I want to move on. I’m ready to move on right now. But I’ve decided to give him a courtesy warning. You could call it an ultimatum. I’m choosing to think of it as an opportunity. It’s an opportunity for him to give me what it is that I need.

    He’s lucky. A flower doesn’t tell you when it’s about to die – well, that’s not exactly true. You can see when it starts to wither. And that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m withering and I’m dying here. If he doesn’t show up and kiss my brains out in about three days, then that’s it. I don’t know if I can do this anymore…and after that time I’ll have to look for something new…or at least start thinking about it.

    Who am I kidding, I already am. I texted S. CDing is the answer, right? I’m about to CD the heck out of the next three days ; )



  75.  #75Cécilia on March 25, 2014 at 7:56 pm

    I’m feeling all melty right now
    vanilla really calms me…
    I spent a lot of time in the rain in the forest near my house today. I felt so connected to the earth, the plants, the ground… I whispered to a tree for awhile, the bark felt smooth under my fingers, it energized me. The wind felt good too. Earlier I was feeling so claustrophobic at work, around such a large amount of people, there was so much icky energy buzzing around in my head! I could feel my creativity, my thoughtfulness, myself just draining…. I knew the forest was what I needed.
    I experienced such fullness and contentness this evening after the forest meditation… I was sitting in my room with the lights out and the windows open. I had vanilla candles lit and soft music playing…
    I feel so in touch with myself. My soul. The earth is singing to me and I can hear it…



  76.  #76LoveAlways on March 25, 2014 at 8:01 pm

    Genie:

    I had the same situation a while back. I tried going to sleep before him. All of Rori’s suggestions will help you STAY asleep. When it got too much to bear (when his snoring would wake me up) I would get up and go sleep in another room for a few hours and get back in the bed once I got up pre-dawn for the ladies room. We talked about the breathing strips that you put across your nose, but moved out (for other reasons) before we initiated it. While it is a situation, there are possibilities. Wishing you love and light.



  77.  #77Daria on March 25, 2014 at 9:10 pm

    this guy from POF i talked a few years ago is back. he says he wasnt ready

    hes a widdower aww

    he sounds mature and good



  78.  #78Daria on March 25, 2014 at 9:11 pm

    the guy i had the 2+ hour convo with yesterday hasnt called today

    i feel glad im ok with thiskinda stuff now i noticed it happens often



  79.  #79Indigo on March 25, 2014 at 9:25 pm

    Lisa,

    Thank you, I really loved your comment 54 🙂

    xx



  80.  #80Indigo on March 25, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    Linda 37,

    Thank you so much and also for the kind words. Get on my horse and ride on is exactly right.

    Love xx



  81.  #81Indigo on March 25, 2014 at 9:32 pm

    On the topic of sleeping disorders and battling to sleep, my ex was a light sleeper, and also had RA so he would experience pain if he was stressed or not well rested. BUT he also used it as a means to push love away and prevent intimacy from growing, as Lisa said, because I saw this happen before my very eyes.

    Also, I would have been happy to sleep in separate beds most of the time if he had just talked to me about it… we could have come to an agreement. Him tucking me in with a cuddle before going to bed each night, for example. It was the considering of my feelings which was the bigger issue.

    I just don’t feel you can take such a huge issue as this, where you sleep and how you sleep, which is a big part of being a couple, and make a unilateral decision… it’s an opportunity to communicate and make yourself vulnerable to your partner, and I realize for my ex that was very scary.



  82.  #82Indigo on March 25, 2014 at 9:36 pm

    I have come to a certain peace about it all though… without being in his business, I can see this was not really about me, although it raised things for me to look at in myself, for which I am grateful.

    He does not desire intimate relationship, the way he lives his life is abundant proof of that… and like Lisa said, it makes me sad because it is the one thing which would bring him so much completeness and joy. And I have seen it in his eyes and in him, how happy he is at times. Yet, as Lisa said, there is nothing you can do to make them open their heart if they don’t want to.



  83.  #83Indigo on March 25, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    gracie 55,

    I have experienced this and yes, it is flirting, but in my case the guy was not truly available.

    You could experiment with a stronger, more sireny version of flirting, being an invitation, holding eye contact, smiling… but I would wait for him to ask you out if I were you. 🙂



  84.  #84Millie on March 25, 2014 at 11:32 pm

    Soooo….I know I’m probably going to get some tomatoes thrown at me for this…but I’d like to share anyway. Last night Mechanic and I did go for some spontaneous drinks. He picked me up and paid. He also explained the shortness of his text earlier was that he had a bunch of clients at work. I realize that I read into it more than I needed to. We had a lot of fun and when he took me home, he didn’t come up. He said if he did, he’d fall asleep in my bed and keep me up all night with his snoring. (He snores like a bear) He text me when he got home and said he always has fun with me and likes talking with other artists, that they are hard to find. He was very sweet. The next day, today, I told him I love being with him and also thanked him for not staying over. I know…it sounds like an odd thing to thank someone for, but I’ve told him I don’t want friends with benefits and I felt like he was respecting that. At first he said your welcome and was friendly about it, but I’m not sure what switched in his mind…he then started to explain himself. He said what he liked about me and that he finds me attractive, but that doesn’t always mean he needs to act on it, that we need to be responsible about the next morning…. I was a bit surprised he felt the need to explain, as I was in no way accusatory, but actually THANKING him for his decision. I responded warmly, telling him I’m happy to hear he likes my company as well and that I understood and was not implying anything other than my sincere thank you. That I agreed about being responsible and that I feel good trusting his decisions. I am working up the nerve to tell him that “I feel lit up inside when I’m with him, and I would feel so happy going on a real date.” I feel scared to say it. I also felt like tonight wasn’t a good night to say it, because it felt like “too much” to me. But I will say, that he seemed to be more responsive to me and willing to share what he likes about me. I think he may have gotten thrown off by my “thank you” and went into defensive mode. I think I handled it well. I’m not sure what is going to happen next, but I’d like to get to the point, for my own growth, of admitting that I like him as more than a friend. I’m sure it’s obvious, but then again, I hear men don’t read between the lines as well as women…so who knows. I’m so glad that nothing sexual happened. This is going to sound bad…but he could have taken advantage…and he didn’t. I feel good about that.



  85.  #85Millie on March 25, 2014 at 11:51 pm

    Iasmina–Please take my words as one woman’s kind advice to another… I am 27 also and can relate to falling in love with someone from distance. Rori’s programs are all very helpful. If I could recommend a starting point, it would be “Have the relationship you want.” That is where I started and it has really opened my eyes to a larger world. When I say that I mean that right now, this man, your musician is your world, but once you read her book and use the tools you will see that there are so many men out there that can give you what you want. I can relate so much to fixating on one man, I struggle with that a lot…



  86.  #86Cris on March 25, 2014 at 11:53 pm

    congratulations Millie!!
    I think you are doing great!

    xoxox



  87.  #87Millie on March 25, 2014 at 11:55 pm

    Tereana–No kisses in one month!!!! That is frustrating! Especially when you are exclusive…I’m interested to hear what happens next, and I’m glad you are assertive in your feelings and needs!



  88.  #88Millie on March 26, 2014 at 12:00 am

    Gracie–It kind of sounds like to me that he’s interested, but he’s not sure if you are. Maybe he isn’t super forward like other guys, so he’s playing little peek-a-boo games that aren’t super aggressive but still get your attention in a playful way. I would experiment with different responses…other than what you usually do and see what happens. If he shys away or becomes more alive…That would be fun to find out.



  89.  #89Millie on March 26, 2014 at 12:03 am

    Cris–thank you so much! I feel so appreciative of encouraging words!



  90.  #90Tereana on March 26, 2014 at 1:08 am

    Millie – thank you, I know!! We’ve only been dating a short time. It was “official” (I.e. discussed and agreed to) only one week before he left on a pre-planned trip to his sister’s wedding out of country. He has barely kissed me since he got back, and I kind of had to initiate that. He didn’t do it himself – even though he said it was all he wanted to do before he got back. Other than that, just a quick peck, here and there. At one point, he said he had a cold. So that was kind if considerate. But then his cold was gone and still nothing. I brought this up and requested a “make-out date.” That was for last night. He didn’t show up.

    So I’m afraid I’ve taken it one step further. He really hasn’t been acting like my boyfriend lately. So I said, as far as I’m concerned, he’s not. I didn’t say that I’m dating other people. But I’m giving him three days to show me that he wants to kiss me, and a week to do whatever he wants to make it up to me. After that, I will decide if it’s worth continuing. Because right now, I’m afraid all the fire, spark and passion is just gone for me. It feels like a cute friendship in which we text a lot. My little “flower” is all dried out. It’s up to him if he wants to water it and bring it back to life…but I have a few things planned for myself the next couple of days. So he may have a hard time finding me available for him.

    And btw, Millie, no tomatoes here!! You sounds great, and I think you handled that perfectly well. It’s great that you got to spend time with Mechanic. I know you like him : )



  91.  #91Tereana on March 26, 2014 at 1:15 am

    Oh yeah. I forgot to mention he was gone for two weeks. That’s literally half the time we were dating. And it was soooo hard for me not to be able to have close proximity. I feel better that he’s back. But I need to feel the physical closeness, too. Otherwise, like I said, it just doesn’t feel like a relationship to me…so we’ll see what happens. I was really let down. So I’m not attached to an outcome at this point. Of course I would be good to see him step up. If he doesn’t, I know S will welcome me back with loving and very pleasurable arms (and other body parts). But M wants to be my boyfriend for real. So let’s give him a chance and see what he can do…while he’s on “probation” ; )



  92.  #92Tereana on March 26, 2014 at 1:25 am

    Kyla – (69): yay for your moment of clarity.

    But can I also say, your mom sounds so articulate, compassionate, and amazing! You are soooo lucky to have her. I’m sure that my mom feels similarly, but it’s all a mess, because she can’t communicate one iota of anything like that. Even if she felt that way, the general impression that I get is that she only ever does things for herself. I’m her universe, she is the only one in the room. She either ignored me or gets into my business. She never really respects me or sees my needs. I’ve identified her as having some measure of NPD. Which means that I’d she helps me, it makes HER feel good because SHE is helping me (ie she is the important one in the equation). She continually thanks me for doing things that I haven’t done for her benefit at all (she assumes that it is), and she ignores and doesn’t thank me for things that I do actually do for her. It’s a crazy-making mix of neglect and no-boundaries over-involvement. It’s made for a very strained relationship with her, as well as struggles with intimacy, connection, and trust.

    You are so, so, so, so lucky to have your mom. I haven’t even met her, but she sounds amazing. Please….give her a big, giant hug, ASAP!!! Lol xox



  93.  #93Tereana on March 26, 2014 at 4:44 am

    I had another sort of “aha” moment, when I was thinking about how I was feeling. Because it’s abandonment. That’s what I’m feeling. And I realized that at exactly this time last month I felt abandoned. And by “this time” I mean the beginning of my period.

    Then I realized that I must truly abandon myself every time I get my period.

    When I was a girl, I didn’t even tell my mother, the first day it happened. Why? Because she was going on a trip with her high school students for three days and I didn’t want to “bother” her. I was also embarrassed. But I probably needed her to know. I needed the support. I just didn’t want to ask. And then she was gone. She literally abandoned me for three days. And then I told her after she came back. And then we had an awkward family dinner, with I think everyone there, including my dad. How embarrassing (for me).

    So now, I guess, every time I get my period, I feel this strong sense of abandonment and grief. I feel awful right now. And then I go and I pin it on anyone who is around me. But really the feeling is just inside.

    Now I realize I’ve done that to M. But I don’t know what to say or how to explain. Maybe I don’t. But I’ve probably pushed him away. Ultimatums don’t work, and I know that. All I want to do is feel good.

    I have this little voice in the back of my mind saying, “we’ll work it out.” But I don’t know how….



  94.  #94Amazed on March 26, 2014 at 7:49 am

    Awww tereana (((hug))) at least you have realized what may be going on. Maybe it is a good idea to wait yourself out and sort through these feelings before talking to M. When I was seeing L initially last fall I had a lot going on..my soup of negative feelings I had to work through. So I broke up wiyh L even though he kept telling me that what was going on was within me and had nothing to do with him. We did get back together a couple months later after I healed. It is an amazing relationship now.. I feel adored and cherished. It was all about me and my triggers and stress in my life. I just didn’t know how to deal with everything at the time. So you will get through this and it will be better because of what you have realized what you have to work through yourself. <3



  95.  #95Veronica on March 26, 2014 at 9:22 am

    I feel this strong pull to contact BM. I miss him and care for him. The uneasiness I have is that I’m not sure if I trust myself to be okay with whatever happens or doesn’t happen. I’m also noticing that there’s also something that wants to be felt yet feels un-nameable at present – it feels big and coiled up and heavy.

    I read my and LastCD’s last e-mails to each other and feel much better about how it was handled – on both our parts. I’m still spooked by the ‘flip’ that happened. But now I feel good about how I had handled things for myself.

    Lately I believe that I’ve become more aware of men and their energies, especially when directed at me. I hope that I’m not mistaken by thinking this because I felt a distinct pull from a man yesterday to look at him. Has this happened with any of the sirens here? I really don’t want to get all imaginary about this.



  96.  #96Dominique on March 26, 2014 at 9:35 am

    Veronica – 94 – This doesn’t surprise me. The more you open yourself, the more you will notice which will include all senses, even your energetic ones.

    xxoo



  97.  #97Liquid Light on March 26, 2014 at 11:30 am

    Magic

    Everything feels like MAGIC right now.

    I went on a great date last night. He was cute, smart and fun. We had a blast. There was a film crew there filming a pilot for a new show. The bar was gorgeous.

    I had two photo shoots done recently. One was done by my aunt and another by a work colleague. I’ve never had so much fun being the subject of a photos before. And my happiness and ease shows in the photos. I look poised, relaxed and confidant. Yay!!!



  98.  #98Mandy on March 26, 2014 at 11:38 am

    Tereana – 92-

    I had an incredibly traumatic 1st period as well. It was my 11th birthday and when I found out I was bleeding when we were at the grocery store, my mom rushed me home and I was just bawling and shaking I was so scared, and embarrassed…kids who got their period that young at my school got picked on, and I didn’t have the heart to tell my dad until years later because I was afraid and sad he might think he was losing his little girl. I spent the next two weeks basically either in bed or on the couch, and I thought since I was supposedly a “woman” now, I couldn’t run around outside, play with my dolls or be a kid anymore. I couldn’t even ask anyone for a pad I was so embarrassed, and very depressed.

    I so feel you on that one. I have to say though I’m surprised the feelings haven’t worn away over the years.

    Do you feel abandonment issues besides about your period?



  99.  #99Liquid Light on March 26, 2014 at 11:50 am

    Actually my favorite photo of all of them is one where I look a little vulnerable.



  100.  #100KR on March 26, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    In her blog, Gwyneth Paltrow recently announced her split from her husband, Chris Martin, calling the split a “conscious uncoupling”. The announcement also contains an essay by two doctors about this “conscious uncoupling”.

    http://www.goop.com/journal/be/conscious-uncoupling

    I’ve read some criticism of her announcement as being along the lines of “Gwenyth’s divorce is better than all of your divorces”. I would love to hear your opinions on her divorce announcement.



  101.  #101Millie on March 26, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    Thank you Tereana! I’m glad I got to see him too! It’s crazy how some people can make you feel….. And it feels good to feel!!

    How traumatic sounding about your period and what an interesting observation that you feel abandoned always during that time of the month.

    Ok, so there is another guy that’s appeared. Awhile ago I met this photographer who said he wanted to take pics of me with my car. I thought he was just using it as a line but turns out, months later he had found the perfect outdoor location. Our communication had been purely creative talk and professional, but I’m looking forward to using the tools and practicing my feminine wiles lol.



  102.  #102Emerson on March 26, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    Hi sirens!
    I’m taking good care of me and enjoying myself on my time off. I do feel lonely and sometimes it really hurts that I don’t have a partner but I am coping.

    I see exoticCD in the neighborhood often and when I do I still feel attracted… He looks cute today and dressed nice. I don’t hold any high hopes for him but at any rate I’m still reminding myself that he isn’t big on giving oral sex but he sure wants it. Lol
    Not sure if that will change but probably not. (We talk an say hi but no physical contact for about six months)
    In the meantime I’m maintaining a friendly relationship /friendship with him because of our mutual affiliations and he did help me out alot.
    I still feel open to more but he has yet so really step up.
    I’m trying to out girl him but damn he’s pretty funny he’s a bit of a piece of work when it comes to plans…he’s very last minute and he always texts not calls. I’ve told him I not good with last minute …
    Sigh
    Thanks for letting me vent I don’t know if I’m looking for any advice just wanted to “talk”….xoxoxo
    Love,
    Emerson



  103.  #103Emerson on March 26, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    92 (((tereana)))
    96 LL this feels amazing to read
    95 Dominique this feels inspiring to read …
    I need to stay open and constantly remind myself not to shit down.



  104.  #104Andrea on March 26, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    Oh Joe.. Oh my Joe… : )

    Well, it’s been two and a half weeks since my first date with Joe. I learned a lot from being with him about feeling messages and allowing a man to know that he makes me feel happy.

    But right from the start he began texting me every night and every morning. Just mundane things.

    This morning he texted me: Remember I had asked you out for a romantic date for tonight? We haven’t spoken of it and if you’ve forgotten, I’ll understand.

    This message to me is the epitome of where our “relationship” went in only two and half weeks. It’s as though we are old pals. : )

    I haven’t been feeling open and romantic and sensual about him. So I haven’t been communicating with him as though I were. As a matter of fact I stopped responding to his texts because I felt forced.

    So I texted back: “Oh Joe, I feel hesitant to keep this romantic date because I feel more of a pal vibe toward you now. I feel forced and want to feel a relaxed sensuality when it comes to dating. With you I feel more like let’s hang out and have a drink sometime if we are both in the same place.”

    He texted back: “Oh thank you for saying it first. That’s what I was thinking as well.”

    I texted: “I feel happy that we are both on the same page.”

    Then he texted back: “Me too. I feel relieved and happy. I still want to call you beautiful and I want you to know that I have never experienced being with anyone like you.”

    So, this afternoon, I never thought I could feel so centered and empowered NOT having a date. It felt really wonderful to stay with my honesty and to not force something that just isn’t there. I think we gave it a good try. Two dates and 17 days of his consistent texting.

    I feel like I want to explore the texting aspect. I feel like I lost the romance and the excitement of Joe because right away he tried to be a constant part of every day. I feel that the constant messages came too soon for me. If I were in an established relationship with a man, I would appreciate hearing from him every day. But since we were right at the beginning of our discovery of each other, I felt more stress about him texting all the time. It put him in the friend zone with me immediately and after about 8 days, I didn’t feel romantic toward him anymore.

    I really feel wonderful that he and I could come together, explore each other, and then back away so amicably. I feel empowered that I remained open, and let him lead the dance, and that we were both on the same page through out.

    This was great practice for me. I’ve never felt so wonderful about a “dating session” before. I feel so at peace. So calm about it.

    Is this the way dating is meant to go? I can’t wait til the next one.



  105.  #105Andrea on March 26, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    Liquid LIght Hooray!!! Magic!! I love it! Oh I feel so wonderful and excited reading your posts of late. Yes! I feel inspired to have a photo shoot myself. That is now on my to do list!

    Millie.. (tomatoes, tomatoes, tomatoes) hahahah…. JK!!!
    Well, I am in a creative non fiction writing class. The average age of all the students is probably about 25. With me being the oldest at 40.

    I told one of my good friends that I was having such a hard time with the class because the content of the papers that the young girls write tell of unrequited love, broken hearts, mistreatment at the hands of boyfriends, and one particular woman who is dating a drug addict who punched the wall behind her head while drunk.. has at it’s conclusion the young woman writing,
    “I know that he just needs all the love that I can give him in order to heal. I can do that, I can give him love.”

    The good friend I was talking to told me: “Andrea, you are not meant to be the judge, adviser, or example to other young women. They have souls who need to take the journeys they are on. You have gone on those same journeys and wouldn’t be where you are right now without those heartbreaks and mistakes. The only response to these writings should be to applaud the human experience and the willingness of the feminine heart to Jump In where love is concerned.”

    I’ll tell you what. I feel so humbled by her words. Of course, the only way I can accept life right now as it is being revealed to me, is that I could accept it back then when it was being revealed to me.

    I think it’s kind of what Rori and Dominque talk about when they say, “What is the message that this man has to offer you.”

    Of course I wouldn’t be involved with an experience with Mechanic the way you are, because I am looking at it from the perspective of a 40 year old woman who has already played that role in life. I’ve settled the wounds with in me that men like that were the mirror for. But no one can settle those wounds for you except for you.

    You are so precious and so fortunate to have an open mind to the messages that people like Rori and Dominique and other Sirens are offering you as well. You’ll get through this with flying colors, no tomatoes, and a healthy open heart… ready for The One who will show you what a beautiful, vibrant woman you are.

    Shame on me for being such a “know it all.” : )



  106.  #106Rori Raye on March 26, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    KR – I’ve been following along, also – and for me – all of this discussion out there is the same as what’s inside – there is an epidemic of “self-attack” and “self-judgment” that just “looks” like attack and judgment of others. Whatever it is you see – that’s what you think is going on inside you. Love, Rori



  107.  #107Andrea on March 26, 2014 at 5:17 pm

    Cecelia # 75, I just read your post and ohhhhh.. how beautiful. I feel a longing for my hiking trails at the National Park. I can sense the forest through your writing. It’s so peaceful. I just feel so at peace tonight. So wonderful. Date myself tonight with my journal and a glass of wine and early bed time.

    I feel so good to myself. I feel so full of warmth and love for myself.



  108.  #108Syreena on March 26, 2014 at 5:29 pm


  109.  #109Emerson on March 26, 2014 at 6:14 pm

    101 *shut down
    Lol autocorrect!!!



  110.  #110KR on March 26, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    Rori wrote: “Whatever it is you see – that’s what you think is going on inside you. ”

    Jeez-Freaking-Wow. I don’t know if I loved that or hated that. It is exactly like something The Last Psychiatrist (one of my favorite blogs) would write.

    So it may be that a lot of bullsh** self-deception is going on inside me.

    No . . . not “it may be”. It is.



  111.  #111KR on March 26, 2014 at 6:47 pm

    . . . and, I am not saying that Gwyneth Paltrow is self-deceiving. I am responding to Rori’s statement that “what it is that I see” is what is (or that I THINK is) going on inside of ME.



  112.  #112Luzydel on March 26, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    I have been single for so long that I cannot tolerate anything from a man. I just want to be happy and I do not want to be unhappy because No man loves me. I just want to learn to accept that.

    Ugh! I hate romantic relationships… I hate the negotiating, blah it feels yucky to me… I hate feeling crappy when I fail at romance… I just don’t want to care…



  113.  #113Millie on March 26, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    Andrea–
    Your response brought a little tear to my eye.
    Thank you so much for believing in me an believing that I will grow past this. I totally understand why you would choose not to spend any time or energy on this man…
    I understand the mirror concept, but I’m having a hard time finding the message this man is bringing to me. I’m having a hard time seeing him as a reflection of my masculine energy. I see the qualities I love about him and see that he does not have feelings for me in the way I do for him. I see that. I know I need to let him go out of my mind and heart.

    He didn’t respond to my last message, and I felt the urge to ask him if I had made sense in our conversation. But I asked myself instead why I am feeling this need…and my answer is that I’m wondering if he knows how I feel. I’m wondering if he can tell I like him more than a friend. I’m wondering if he’s confused by me…all in all, I’m wondering about what HE is thinking. So I reread the conversation and felt that I WAS clear and his explaining didn’t really sound defensive as it was just sharing his side of things. And if I feel confident that I was clear, then there is no need for me to ask anything.

    I also feel a bit like what I’m putting myself through is unnecessary. If that makes sense.

    Sigh.



  114.  #114Liquid Light on March 26, 2014 at 8:47 pm

    Grocery store guy called today. He seems a little off the wall so probably not really my type. But then it hit me, so what, I can still go out with him and enjoy his co. (he’s v good looking and smart). Wow, it just hit my like a thunderbolt the whole point about cd’ing and staying open and curious!!! Also, dating begets dating…

    (I’m a slow learner sometimes! hahahaha!!!!)



  115.  #115Cécilia on March 26, 2014 at 9:51 pm

    To Andrea (107)…
    Mmm I love the forest. The earth and the trees and nature always make me feel like I’m so in touch with myself and my surroundings.
    Also thank you for addressing me on here, it feels exciting but I feel a little shy posting here…. I want to connect to all of you and become ‘blog’ girlfriends. I hope I can fit in here and get to know all of you, I hope to help and support and love all of you, and I already feel love.
    This place feels like my second journal… I like it…



  116.  #116Veronica on March 26, 2014 at 11:34 pm

    ((((Dominique)))) – 96 – Thank you! And now I feel excited at what this increased sensitivity will bring to my attention. This seems adventurous.

    xo



  117.  #117Veronica on March 26, 2014 at 11:37 pm

    Cecelia – welcome and you sound so beautiful : ) I love rain and I love nature.



  118.  #118Cris on March 27, 2014 at 12:02 am

    wellcome Cecilia!!
    I need nature a lot right now

    xoxox



  119.  #119Syreena on March 27, 2014 at 3:29 am

    Conscious uncoupling, all sounds so ‘civilized’ and ‘nice’.
    Idealistic. The words that stuck out for me were we will always be a family.
    Errr well actually no you will not in the TRUE sense you will only be a family in as in that you are blood related.
    However most of the time one person will be left with the every day reality and grind of being the parent left to bring the children up why the other one has in reality actually walked away and decided to just sort of be there for their children now and again. Play at it as and when it suits on a whim.
    Reality is they have still semi abandoned their children and didn’t really want to put the work in and stay and parent and face up to the every day hard work of it. And the children KNOW this at their core.

    Please give me a break there are no bad people. HELLO Yes there are. Not all badness and evil is equal though. There is bad and evil in all of us.
    Well there is bad in all of us and hopefully we strive to choose to not unleash the bad evil monsters too much or too often that our inside us and do heinous or truly evil acts. Strive to choose to do our best to not act in malice.

    Time for me to stop being a naive child who only sees the good in people denying the bad and making excuses and living in fantasy world for me. And face up to the real world as painful as that is. Blinkers are off and eyes now feel wide open.
    Badness is part of being human like it or not.
    Some people do not care who they hurt. Some people get sadistic pleasure out of hurting others. It is what it is.
    Don’t always want to see and believe must admit. And fantasy land feels nice to escape to now and again.
    So what NOW feels best for me to do is STOP being in DENIAL and FACE UP to the REALITY and do my best to not cause any severe harm to myself or others and do my best to TRUST my instinct to spot the warning signs and protect myself and teach my children how to spot the warning signs given off by others that they are at risk of being severely harmed by them.



  120.  #120Emerson on March 27, 2014 at 5:50 am

    Sirens I’m feeling thankful today and visualizing the things I want to happen for myself.
    I did write in my letter myself at New Years that I would meet someone! I have faith it will happen. I cannot spiral onto negativity. I need to keep visuizing good things!



  121.  #121Linda on March 27, 2014 at 6:18 am

    Hi all

    The phrase of conscious uncoupling? hmmmm
    I have not read any of the article or statements just saw ther phrase on TV. I feel curious and I must admit the words inspire me. Not because renaming or glamorizing something like divorce easier, socially acceptible or to make a job sound more prestigous or more evolved. But… really consciously uncoupling. The words stir me to put some real effort into examining my thought and attitude life. They inspire me to challange whats going on inside me in order to disengage from “couple” to single. A freeing feeling comes. I feel tied to relationships or people (like my ex husband) in ways that keep me stuck in ways. I am going to explore this for me.



  122.  #122Linda on March 27, 2014 at 6:37 am

    At times I read posts out here and get triggered. Sometimes I feel compassion, or empathy or jelousy. Sometimes I become self condeming or feel successful and or accomplished. Other times I feel numb.

    Today I feel both inspired and judgy. My heart wants what it wants.



  123.  #123CurvySiren10 on March 27, 2014 at 6:37 am

    Linda, I totally understand this. There is actually a book called “Uncoupling-Turning Points in Intimate Relationships” (by Diane Vaughan) that helped me tremendously when I was divorcing. I could probably do with re-reading it right now, almost 3 years later, as I still grapple with so much of this…still. I, too felt intrigued by Gwyneth’s statement and her use of that term.



  124.  #124Linda on March 27, 2014 at 6:41 am

    luzydel… contentment is the word that comes to mind when I read your post…. I wish this for you (((Hugs)))



  125.  #125Violette on March 27, 2014 at 7:53 am

    I signed on for the free trial for a week with match.com…feeling excited because I got like 4 emails in the fist few hours. Then I saw the guys and…don’t want to respond. They don’t seem cultured at all, one guy describes himself as a gentleman and there’s a picture of him with a woman draped all over him in his profile. Part of me wants to respond to everyone and have the practice, another part of me doesn’t want to miss clues in the beginning that can protect me from bad surprises later on…

    And it’s all small talk. Hi, how are you? It feels tiring…ugh.

    The right attitude is that I’m putting myself out there. And loving me. And that is my focus. If I have the energy I can write these guys back. Or maybe someone better will write soon? And I want to be kind too…



  126.  #126Femininewoman on March 27, 2014 at 8:27 am

    There is talk on FOX 5 about the hottest topics in Headlines. They were talking about a 65 year old man who men someone online on a dating site. He send thousands of dollars to someone who he didn’t even know.



  127.  #127Femininewoman on March 27, 2014 at 8:29 am

    Violette just remember the woman could be anyone. Maybe even his daughter.



  128.  #128Femininewoman on March 27, 2014 at 8:31 am

    Now they are talking about Conscious Uncoupling and Gwyneth



  129.  #129RileyTheOwl on March 27, 2014 at 8:45 am

    Thank you for the warm welcomes Veronica, Andrea, and Cris



  130.  #130MovingMagic on March 27, 2014 at 8:49 am

    I was part of a burlesque act last night.Though I’ve danced many parts… it was my first time taking on this role. I love the glamour and sparkle of it. Bright pinks, glitter, sequins, dancing tassels, sparkling high heels and swaying hips. Ohhh the strength and rawness we women hold.
    I invited a man I’ve been seeing. ..it was honestly the first time a man has come to watch me perform. I told him that last night. ..and he seemed surprised. He said that when I came to sit with him once I left the stage, he felt like the luckiest man in the room. -and he kind of was. 😉
    Remember that ladies…men are lucky to have us. ♥



  131.  #131Liquid Light on March 27, 2014 at 9:46 am

    MM, that sounds like a ton of fun! Wow! You go, girl!



  132.  #132Veronica on March 27, 2014 at 11:07 am

    Triggeration! I’m feeling all touchy and ouch – I don’t want people to see my pain, I’m shutting myself up physically, even postponed going to a gallery. I want another life for now, can’t I just hop into another life for a while? And to process is as though I’m wading through sludge.

    Feeling pain and also feeling vulnerable having that pain – I want to protect myself from more pain, it would be so easy for someone to deeply hurt me now. My heart feels like it wants to turn in on itself, pulling the muscles in my chest and my back to wrap itself up, my heart wants my body to embrace it, it gives so much for my body and it wants so badly something back. My heart taking what is abundant in one place to another place where it needs to go, all day, every day

    I’m stopping at the temptation to ask the agonizing why this romantic interaction didn’t work out and why that – I went poof when that came up.

    And there’s also so many things that I could assert to myself about myself and it’s unnecessary too, I could just fall into my own love – it’s big and there and waiting for me. So much love waiting for me.



  133.  #133Indigo on March 27, 2014 at 11:11 am

    ((Cecilia))

    Welcome!



  134.  #134Leigha Baker on March 27, 2014 at 11:20 am

    Hi Sirens!

    Emerson – 119 – I love what you’re focusing on. I did those things myself and they really helped me. On Valentines day 2011 I wrote down that I would be married by Valentines day 2012. Well – I wasn’t married but I met my husband on Feb. 4th 2012!!

    Who can really say for sure what part I actually played in that – but what it did do was take some pressure off (I had a whole year to meet him!) and it helped me from going in the downward spiral of thinking I would never find the love of my life (when dates and relationships would fizzle out).



  135.  #135Leigha Baker on March 27, 2014 at 11:22 am

    Violette – 124 – I Love this!! This is exactly it…

    “The right attitude is that I’m putting myself out there. And loving me. And that is my focus.”

    Perfect!!



  136.  #136Rori Raye on March 27, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    Syreena – for me, attitude is all. Yes, everything needs to be seen and accepted. And that’s where it ends. It’s all about where we put our attention. If we put it on attack and fear – that’s what we’ll see, that’s what we’ll feel, that’s what we give to others. If we focus on fun, pleasure, happy, enjoy, appreciate, accept – that’s what will be around us more of the time. The strength to accept unquestioningly what’s happening right now that might look and feel awful, and to see past it, to other things around that are beautiful – that’s the best part of our brains. I was taught to fear first, enjoy last, and that didn’t work so well. It’s my mission on this planet to love first, fear last. This is how, for me, the fear is slowly, gently replaced with utter acceptance and peace. Love, Rori



  137.  #137Emerson on March 27, 2014 at 10:45 pm

    I’m realizing I really intend to have a deep and affectionate relationship. Those things are so important to me!



  138.  #138Emerson on March 27, 2014 at 10:50 pm

    Thanks Leigha! It feels good to read your words



  139.  #139Emerson on March 28, 2014 at 5:55 am

    Hi sirens
    I feel tired but I feel good that it will be a good day.
    I feel good that I have free time after work and I can do what I want!
    I feel open to meet someone new and I am not pining for exoticCD at all.
    I always feel a little piney for cutecityCD I don’t know why he has such an effect on me.
    I hve not talked to recycledCD at all and I am ok with that. I don’t miss him or feel longing at all.

    It’s time for something new and positive and healthy.



  140.  #140Emerson on March 28, 2014 at 9:05 pm

    Ah new posts up!



  141.  #141Adebisi Adesewa on March 29, 2014 at 3:32 am

    I read the letter sent from one of Ur clients-Cindy but i feel something is wrong,if she continues giving her man this “I care less about you” attitude,I hope it won’t affect her whole emotions towards the man;I have tried it also in the past and at the end of the day,I lost all the interest I had in the guy in the first place and when he even went ahead for another lady,I feel NOT A SINGLE THING.so please would appreciate if you let your clients know their limits,pushing the guy to the extreme may not really send the guy packing but it may send them “emotion-less” towards the man,and they would end up not really liking him and would ask the question,do I even like him in the first place?



  142.  #142Kelly on March 31, 2014 at 9:35 am

    Rori,
    I don’t know what to do! I have lived with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We are both divorced and are in forties. He has his own business and works alot and had been working alot around the house remodeling. But we have this problem. He is not very sexual. My ex-husband was a very sexual person and always wanted me. Whenever, wherever. But my boyfriend has Never been that way. I asked him that when we first got together and he told me that it was because his wife would only want to be with him that way once a week if that. But I am not his ex-wife and I need to be intimate more often. Like everyday! I always dress sexy and try to look good for him in everyway possible. I say sexual things to him all the time. He even calls me sexy all the time. He says things about women on TV and he even told me about a women hitting on him at a house that he was working on a week ago. I trust him totally but what can I do to make him more sexual. I’m about to resort to viagra in his drink….lol no just kidding. So what do you recommend?
    Please help me, I can’t take it anymore, feeling like im not desirable. I want him to want me.
    Kelly



  143.  #143Rori Raye on March 31, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Kelly – a difference in levels of sexual desire just about, in my book, destroys a relationship unless you can work it out. What I’d suggest to help is to learn Tantra for yourself – how to orgasm just by laying there – I kid you not, and breathing, and touching yourself (breasts mainly). This creates a stillness between you where he doesn’t feel any pressure. Also – Dominique is the expert on this: http://www.sexandheart.com.

    Then there’s negotiation – and yet, if you really want sex once a day (that’s actually quite a high level – most men would not be able to or be interested in that – so perhaps an “open marriage might be part of the negotiation? Love, Rori



  144.  #144Kelly on March 31, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    Rori,

    Well maybe not have sex everyday….I was exagerating. But my ex was that way, he wanted it everyday. I don’t need it everyday, but every couple of days would be nice. The mail concern is that It makes me feel like a roomate and not his girlfriend Ya know?
    oh and I’m not into touching myself at all. But maybe I should try to initiate it. I’m just so affraid he’s gonna turn me down and that will really hurt my feelings and embarrass me and make me feel even worse.
    Thanks for your help.
    Kelly



  145.  #145Daria on March 31, 2014 at 12:51 pm

    Kelly – it’s really important to do it for YOU without pressure on him. so he cannot ‘reject’ you while you’re doing something for yourself

    but he will be drawn in and curious, if you create the non pressure atmosphere



  146.  #146Amazed on March 31, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    Kelly – I feel your frustration…my bf told me at first he didn’t need much sex, I felt pretty upset. It was the same scenario – my ex-husband was wanting it all the time. Turns out my bf is feeling depressed and stressed which lessens his sex drive dramatically. He told me that he went to his dr and found this out. He wanted me to know it wasn’t me because I felt he didn’t want or desire me. Anyway..one time I was soooo turned on that I pleasured myself in front of him. He rubbed my breasts but that was it. I’ve reached the conclusion (because I love him) that’s it’s up to me to pleasure myself and when that long anticipated moment arrives that we do have sex..it will be so awesome it will take my breath away. I know how good I feel when he touches me and can’t wait for him to be in the mood.. 🙂 I’m just trying to be patient and hoping that moment won’t be too far away.



  147.  #147Lynne on April 1, 2014 at 12:21 am

    This post got me thinking… I may look at this wrong. When I see that he has the problem, what I really meant was that I may have the problem and that I should do everything to fix the problem. For a relationship to work both parties must have a hand and agree to working out the kinks in the relationship.