If You Feel Like A Bad Girl When You Circular Date – Here’s The Cure:

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The Question:

“Rori I have a question for you, because I’ve run into a problem, and that is presumed sexual exclusivity.

I will tell guys right away that I have no interest in being a girlfriend, and they get a little excited, I think because they feel a lack of pressure from me and they get really into me and tell me they don’t care, but then, later, they get squirmy and usually ghost me, and after I get in contact with them they’ll say something like, “loyalty turns me on” or “why do you think you qualify for the position of wife if you can’t prove you can be a girlfriend”. 

It would be nice if they could tell me what they were feeling and we could work something out, (I would be willing to be a girlfriend for a short time), but they usually just reject me, (and to be honest act a little victimized by me) I’ve been told I’m a player and insinuated as a slut, and this drives me crazy, I’ve had sex with a total of 3 different people!

So this is hurtful. I’m beginning to develop a bad girl complex about this because it happened enough.

One guy says he lives by the don’t ask, don’t tell rule, and he has told me I am being too honest, but I’m not sure if I should accept his frame necessarily, I think what keeps me from being a slut is my honesty, and I don’t feel like I should be protecting guys from the truth. 

Do you have any suggestions for this?

Tell me if you need any clarification! Thank you so much, C

My Answer:

C, Hi, for me, it’s all about feminine empowerment and what that actually looks like, without putting a “masculine spin” on it.

So here’s the “masculine spin” I advise against:

Here, saying from the beginning that you “have no interest in becoming a girlfriend” is – and this alone can change everything –  an effort to “control” the situation.  To make things clear.  To set the stage.

Instead, all you have to do is…Circular Date!  Just DATE!

Accept dates, go on dates, all of it.  Don’t do or say ANYTHING about the situation with ANY man until he ASKS, or mentions it, or gets grumpy, or until you decide to have sex with him.

If he asks you for exclusivity before sex, instead of saying you’re “not interested” – say the truth!: I’m feeling so confused about that right now.  I really like you, and I’m starting to feel feelings for you, and I feel really attracted to you, and being a Girlfriend has such strong connotations and expectations for me.

He’ll ask you: “Like what?”

And you’ll say: “Well, I like a lot of contact, so I’d want to connect by phone or text nearly every day, and go out and hang out together at least 3 times a week – and also, to know your intentions about me for the future before I could commit to something as serious as Girlfriend. And I also don’t want to put any pressure on you or our relationship, and all that commitment can feel really scary. What do you think?”

Then he says something,

You could respond in many ways, depending on what he says.

ALSO – I don’t know from your letter where sex enters in with these men who ghost you or question you – sometimes that’s all they’re talking about.

ALSO – I don’t really believe that any man who thinks “you’re the one” would quit on you because you want some kind of commitment from them before YOU make one!

The idea here is to stay in Feminine Energy, which means you go with the flow, respond to his cues – make decisions in the moment based on what FEELS good, rather than start setting rules and boundaries – really, ever.

You are doing great!

I think you just likely haven’t encountered a Mr. Right, yet – and that these guys have been training partners for you.

This small tweak about not setting rules early on will help you tremendously.

Love, Rori

A Response From C:

I see what you mean about me trying to control the situation from the beginning with this.

I haven’t always made an announcement from the beginning though, I think sometimes that guys can move so quickly at first, I think we have been on a very nice couple of dates and I am assuming he will let me know what his expectations are, but he’s assuming were “on the same page” and he gets hurt.

Sex kind of comes in at different points. (I don’t have sex on the first date though, and I don’t if I know that there is no chance of a deeper connection, ie, no hook-ups)

With the most recent example, he is in a different city, so I am thinking we will get to know each other slowly and see if there is anything there, and he says he wants me to cut off everyone else and I say I don’t believe in sexual exclusivity outside of some level of commitment and he says you can’t know if commitment is going to happen, it either does or it doesn’t and say I understand, (we haven’t even met after all) and then he ghosts and when I ask him what’s up he says I turned him off because I was f*cking other people.

I do kind of think that he’s a little crazy and has huge expectations, but guys have told me that the idea of a girl they like having sex with someone else is such a deep biological turn-off that they can’t even help it.

I’m always wondering what I can do better.

I do default to radical honesty in all areas of my life and it’s interesting to think that I am trying to control things from that place. To me, I am being a “good communicator” lol.

I do go on lots of dates and the quality of guys just keeps going up and up for me! It’s amazing how just when you think you’ve reached your top level of  Siren, there’s another level of Siren to go and so much more to learn.

In your opinion should I try to bring some of this up before sex? or no? I don’t know how to feel about having sex with someone without being clear with them, I know I don’t like when a guy does that to me.

Thank you so much,

My Answer:

Absolutely, before you have genital sex, penetrative or not, but especially if penetrative – AND – there’s a LOT of space between making out and penetrative sex – so LOTS of time to talk!!! – you talk!!!
You make out, you do some body touching and kissing, and then you pull away and say – oh! That feels fantastic. I feel so attracted to you, and you’re great at this… and I can feel myself getting overheated and need to stop for a bit.  
 
That’s it – you don’t need to explain, or have a discussion – unless he keeps talking and asking questions.

Likely you can say – I feel hungry! I have some ____ in the fridge… and then you talk or watch TV…

Now you have lots of space before actual sex.

If he sets up another date, great!

If he starts a discussion about what sex means – you get to respond!

You get to ask what he’d like here… and that if you continue dating after this experience, and continue having sex, you absolutely require sexual exclusivity when you’re having pentrative sex – which you should for health reasons (and that doesn’t mean you can’t KISS someone else!!!)  – but you would like to feel free to keep your “getting to know” options open – like coffee dates –  so you don’t get all up in expectations and accidentally rush things with him…which can so easily happen…
 
Ask him what he thinks and expects from you if you have sex, and what you would feel and expect from him!

In other words – you do it as you go along.  No plan, you just trust your feelings and put them in words.

The long distance thing is a total problem always, and anyone who makes demands of any kind without even meeting you is flat-out not someone I’d ever want to meet, much less spend time with.

Love, Rori

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