If You Have Sex Too Soon – Can You Mess Up The Relationship?

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So if you have sex with a guy “too soon” is the relationship ultimately doomed?

Can you turn things around and have him want something more from you?

My feelings about sex are quite different from a lot of other thoughts and feelings I read about and hear from my clients and readers.

I am SO about us learning to trust ourselves, to follow our feelings, and so NOT into rules made up by anyone else (even if they make good sense) – that, to me – sex is about your heart and your patterns that aren’t working.

In other words, if you’re shying away from sex, thinking it’s your “weapon” and you need to withhold – then I say experiment with putting less importance on sex and see how it feels (there’s sex without full intercourse – and that’s always an option) if you go against your normal pattern.

And if you’re using sex to “get close” to a man – and habitually getting involved and investing in him way too soon because you’re having sex with him – then I say stop doing that and see what happens.

Sex has, in my opinion – absolutely NOTHING to do (for a man) with whether or not a relationship goes forward or succeeds (unless it’s not good and satisfying, and you’re tense, uncomfortable with yourself and your body).

It’s all about how it feels to YOU!

If you’re a woman who’s working through changing her results in love – changing the way you normally do things is most always a great idea.

Yeah, sometimes the results won’t be what you want – but I truly believe you can’t mess up a relationship with the right man by sleeping with him – even if it feels a bit messy and confusing.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Smile on January 14, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Oo this is a good thread!

  2.  #2Smile on January 14, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Yey I’m first again!

  3.  #3Heart on January 14, 2013 at 10:03 am


  4.  #4Smile on January 14, 2013 at 10:08 am

    I sleep with ex of 2 years on a first date and it lasted 2 years. I had come out of a 10 year relationship and wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time so I didn’t care if he stuck or not. I was just enjoying the moment. So yes it doesn’t necessarily mean it can’t lead to a great relationship if you have sex early on.

  5.  #5Smile on January 14, 2013 at 10:08 am

    I have only slept with 4 men so I wouldn’t say I have a ‘pattern’ as such lol

  6.  #6Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Smile: To me, your words here are key to it all (men, life, love, happiness…all of it): “I didn’t care if he stuck or not. I was just enjoying the moment. ”

    Much Love,

  7.  #7Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Smile (from the previous thread): “Mercedes, when I started dating amb cd I wasn’t seeing anyone else, they had dropped off. He also never asked so it hasn’t come up.
    I want to be honest but not sure how to bring it up. Dominque shared her link on choosing trust which I love so I don’t have to worry about him and who he is dating and I’m comfortable with that but how do I just bring it up that I’m dating… I assume he assumes I prob am but I want to be clear and honest. Maybe when he comes back from holiday and he asks what I’ve been up to I can tell him?”

    I’m going to defer to the other ladies on this one as I am not comfortable with scripts, etc and tend to just blurt things out. I personally would probably say something like “There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about and I think we need to discuss it since assumptions could lead to some uncomfortable situations. I am dating other men and intend to continue to do so until I have exactly what I am looking for. You do understand that I do not see us as exclusive, right?”

    But I’m positive there is a good script out there or some feeling messages that would be much better than the blurt I tend to use.

    Much Love,

  8.  #8Smile on January 14, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Mercedes, yes, completely! You know it only ended because I ‘wondered’ where it was going as time went on. I never knew if we wanted the same things, we became exclusive without discussing it. And my wondering ate away at me in the end. I started out wanting nothing and ended up wanting everything with him. I didn’t speak to him about it. I just left one day 🙁

  9.  #9justmoi on January 14, 2013 at 10:23 am

    i don’t have experience with several sexual partners so this thread is actually kind of freeing in that it goes beyond ‘rules and regulations’ we set on ourselves, whether from our own upbringing or society expectations, and gives freedom to what FEELS GOOD to me. I’m learning to accept and experience FEELINGS anyway. Love Rori’s tools. I’m healing and i’m a work in progress. I love this!

  10.  #10Starla on January 14, 2013 at 10:24 am

    I withheld sex big time from QZ the last time we dated. I initiated the first couple of times because I knew he wouldn’t try to make a move for sex lest he be seen as disrespectful. but i noticed that i don’t feel so great initiating. but that’s okay, cuz i think he’s got the message loud and clear that i am open to having lots of sex now lol… he can be a bit shy and i know that if i don’t want to establish myself as the initiator, i’m going to have to learn to be patient and receptive to his every touch… he is one of those rare men who really insists upon a lot of foreplay for his woman, which i’m sure i’ll appreciate in the future when things aren’t so new and exciting. i feel like a sex-crazed female haha. his first sex partner/serious girlfriend at 18 actually WAS a sex addict, so bad to the point that she guilted him into letting her regularly sleep with his buddy… and of course the more she wanted sex from QZ, the more it pushed him away

    that was a long time ago, but it was his first experience, and a traumatic one at that, so i know it bears weight. i don’t think having a girlfriend who is constantly horny is instinctively received as a good thing by QZ. and i need to back off and let him come to me. i know he will. he can’t keep his hands off of my body and is always rubbing and caressing me… but when he does that i just get impatient and want to have sex right then and there, lol.

    i’m rambling but i just needed to vent.

  11.  #11Smile on January 14, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Thanks mercedes @7

    Im thinking towards getting it in in a fun non serious script way…

    Him: so what you doing tonight…?
    Me: I’ve been asked out for a drink actually…

    Or help me out anyone please…?

  12.  #12Starla on January 14, 2013 at 10:27 am

    I need to edit my comment #9 for clarity!

    what I mean is that NOW THAT WE ARE BACK TOGETHER, i’ve initiated sex both times this past weekend, the first time because i knew it was on me to go for it, since i eventually took sex off the table last time we dated, and the second time cuz i was impatient haha and wanted to get me some.

  13.  #13Starla on January 14, 2013 at 10:32 am

    i was really overworrying about it last night, like ‘oh no, i got myself a sexually passive man,’ but that’s just not true. for example, we decided we didn’t like the condoms i had on hand the first night, and talked about finding ones we liked better, and he took it upon himself to buy a new pack for us without my ever asking, and in time for the next time he saw me. which impressed me soooooo much. i’ve always struggled to get guys to take on the condom issue, and it makes me feel like they could care less whether we have sex. awww i want to hug myself now. that felt so sad whenever that happened.

  14.  #14Starla on January 14, 2013 at 10:35 am

    regular sex in a healthy, committed relationship is brand new to me, and i am just adjusting and freaking out a little bit.

    i need to trust more. i picked a really great guy for myself… one who doesn’t objectify or rush or pressure.. and if i want him to feel like he has the green light to venture into a more aggressive and possessive territory sexually, i instinctively know i should be embracing my feminine side and my girl energy and let him give to me at his own pace.

    blah, i’m so impatient and horny these days, though.


    and i think my impatience and horniness is actually a defense mechanism now that i’m processing all this. a defense to prevent vulnerability and intimacy in the bedroom. cuz that shxt’s scary!

  15.  #15Smile on January 14, 2013 at 10:38 am


    ‘regular sex in a healthy, committed relationship is brand new to me, and i am just adjusting and freaking out a little bit.’

    I’m so excited for you!!!

  16.  #16Starla on January 14, 2013 at 10:41 am

    i mean, really, i shouldn’t be overthinking about this at all right now. i should be just open to the new experience with this man and giving it at least a month or so before i start to form any conclusions or desires…

    hehe starla!!! ahhh girl you are going to be fine.

  17.  #17Starla on January 14, 2013 at 10:43 am

    aw and he just keeps texting me and texting me about how wonderful he thinks i am.

    without drama or tension in our relationship, i am noticing that i still look for it hiding in some places… i miss my old friends Drama and Tension.

    i’m sorry if i’m spamming! i needed to process after all that sex and time together over the weekend.

  18.  #18Heart on January 14, 2013 at 10:45 am

    Ice ice baby…

  19.  #19Tam on January 14, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Hm, Smile. About the CDing issue, maybe it will resolve itself when he gets back?
    I know that if I said to Curly that I am seeing other men he’d be like ‘see ya!!’. And I can understand that. His previous gf was CDing in a major way, she never committed to him fully – and he says he isn’t going to tolerate that again as at his age (ha) he isn’t wasting time on someone who doesn’t want the same thing as he does.
    Still, he is very sociable, extremely so…and I reason that if he goes out and meets his female friends amongst all the people he socialises with, I can also meet my male friends…and I explain it like that.
    I have agreed to sexual exclusivity, so he knows nothing will happen, however, he doesn’t like it when I go out with male friends. This weekend I told him and he said it was fine, but he did not contact me on that day much (out of character), and he brought it up later.
    He said he did not say anything because I am free to do what I want but that he isn’t too thrilled about it.
    He said that I am his priority and he always asks me to come with him if I have time and he wonders why I didn’t (ha ha).
    It’s true.
    I also still go out with my other friends and don’t invite him. Sometimes I need that. He doesn’t seem to, he makes me his priority.

  20.  #20Tam on January 14, 2013 at 10:55 am

    I am also still not sure about him. He said today he wants me as his life partner, i e for the rest of his life…I quickly turned it into a joke and said ‘which in your case isn’t as long anymore, so maybe I can do it’. He reminded me that his father is almost 100 years old and we giggled a bit.
    I just didn’t want to get into the conversation as I am not ready for commitment yet.
    He brings it up constantly.
    I think he is trying to wear me down?
    He might succeed with that tactic eventually…ha!

  21.  #21Tam on January 14, 2013 at 11:02 am

    The sex the sex. That is a triggery topic for me too.
    I was agonising forever when would be the right time to have sex with Curly. I had plenty of fears around the age and the body and the performance (lol). Well, I needn’t have worried, ahem.
    However, I worked myself up so much that the first time was really not that great…and I guess perhaps I was not ready.
    And then at one point, another time, he said afterwards that he wonders if he should let me get a good nights sleep and leave around midnight.
    EEEEEEEEKKKK….I had MrP’s disappearance act flashing in front of my eyes and just said nothing. Curly stayed anyway, because he could not get himself to leave…he is soppy really. But that was it for me. It was after that episode that I decided based on all the other stuff, to ask him for more time…and he nearly disappeared.
    And that was one of the triggers.
    It’s like this: If I want a man to leave after sex it’s ok.
    If he wants to leave after sex and doesn’t beg me to stay…it’s not ok.
    That is just how I feel.
    Luckily he is on my wavelength with that, in fact I can’t remove him once he is here. And now the sex is really great too, presumably because I feel more relaxed that he isn’t going to do a runner. Quite to teh contrary, he gets more attached then me.
    And that feels great to me.

  22.  #22Starla on January 14, 2013 at 11:09 am

    “It’s like this: If I want a man to leave after sex it’s ok.
    If he wants to leave after sex and doesn’t beg me to stay…it’s not ok.”

    I have this belief really ingrained in me. And I need to undo it. He lives an hour away and has to be at work at 6:30 am to teach a college full of students. it has NOTHING to do with me. Even if he lived 10 minutes away still, I know in every cell of my body that this man is absolutely not using me for sex in the slightest, and if the timing of our love making session is near the end of the night (or after he should have left already cuz it’s getting late and freezing out), then of course he should go.

  23.  #23Smile on January 14, 2013 at 11:16 am


    Around the timing of having sex… I was in this position with ex of 2 years. Due to work commitments we couldn’t always spend the night. So we ended up having sex earlier in the eve so we had time together afterwards.

    And this is how we made the switch…
    For me kissing can be passionate and can lead to other things, I was fun and flirty when we first saw each other often before tea and it quite often happened then… all it can take sometimes is a playful touch to get a man in the mood so to speak 🙂

  24.  #24Tam on January 14, 2013 at 11:17 am

    21 Starla, yep, quite true.
    In my case I know it would be better to not have sex at all rather than having the empty feeling after, when the door closes. Perhaps it’s a fear of abandonment but guess I had the fear of guys that use me (or we used each other) just for sex, whether it was true or not, and it left a bitter aftertaste.
    It’s up to me to feel safe and wait until the conditions are achieved so that I do feel safe. When a man leaves after sex it does not make me feel safe.
    In that sense I am lucky that finally I have someone who feels the same way and hasn’t got any work restrictions and only lives 10 minutes away.
    He enjoys every minute with me and even in the mornings he has trouble tearing himself away…that makes me feel realy good and quite safe. As soon as he is out of the door he will call or text to thank me for a nice time or just say sweet things.
    I feel pretty lucky because he is naturally like that.
    There are plenty of other issues, but at least with this one we are totally on the same page.
    He’d probably move in already, if he could.

  25.  #25Smile on January 14, 2013 at 11:18 am

    Ug I hated it when cycle cd showered after. Made me feel like he was washing me away. Actually it was prob because he was ‘extremely’ sweaty.

  26.  #26Tam on January 14, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Oh I just realise I only have this fear around sex at night. Sex in the morning is ok. In fact, haha, I am not into too much cuddling in the morning, I want to get to work and make coffee – and I am always the first one to prize myself away.
    Oh how interesting.

  27.  #27Smile on January 14, 2013 at 11:21 am

    I have been resisting letting amb cd stay over. He’s asked a few times if I’m ready for sleep overs because he doesn’t want to leave me. Actually I think I want to know. I want to create new connections.

  28.  #28Smile on January 14, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Tam 25 snap!

  29.  #29Smile on January 14, 2013 at 11:22 am

    Yey! Im ready for sleep overs!!! This is exciting!!!!

  30.  #30Femininewoman on January 14, 2013 at 11:23 am

    I think he is trying to wear me down?

    One guy who I have rejected over and over again told me this is his tactic. He even asked me if I have never heard guys talk about how they do that in their speeches when they are getting married. He recounted one such story while talking to me about it.

  31.  #31Smile on January 14, 2013 at 11:26 am

    Tam @18

    Thank you, yeh I suppose it goes back to, do I need to tell him?

    Yeh I think it will resolve itself when he gets back. Also I only have a short time left on my subscription. When it ends I’m not going to renew. I will have enough men on my books lol 🙂

    I’m feeling a bit more relaxed now to just let it all unfold.

  32.  #32Smile on January 14, 2013 at 11:29 am

    I want to know how much debt he has..

    Money is a trigger for me. I know this has come up time and time again. Probably my worst pattern 🙁

  33.  #33Tam on January 14, 2013 at 11:29 am

    29…he he FW.
    Yes, I am being worn down. Because he constantly talkes about it. I am sure this is psychologically suggestive stuff and now I am starting to say it myself, I mentioned the words ‘ our relationship’ this morning and I also somehow said something like ‘well you have a girlfriend that is..bla bla’. And suddenly I realised what I had said and had to laugh – but he didn’t pick up on it, which is even funnier.

  34.  #34Smile on January 14, 2013 at 11:31 am

    Omg!!! He just texed telling me to put a date in my diary for the day he gets back.

    Ha sirens I literally jumped off my sofa and did the happy dance!!!

  35.  #35Tam on January 14, 2013 at 11:32 am

    31 Smile, ahem, yes. Oh the finances, a huge trigger for me. Curly tells me everything, he is super honest…this is a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know his financial situation or the ins and outs of his last relationships or whatever else.
    I mean, you name it – he volunteers the info. I don’t even ask the questions!!!
    Huge triggers everywhere.
    But I guess in order to have something authentic it is better to know…

  36.  #36Tam on January 14, 2013 at 11:34 am

    33 Smile, aw!! He’s missing you 😉

  37.  #37Smile on January 14, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Tam, amb cd doesn’t hold back either! I like it so far but I know his past hurts. He just hasn’t given me an amount! I know what the debt is from, so I know he’s in control of his money etc which is why it’s not a deal breaker.

  38.  #38Smile on January 14, 2013 at 11:38 am

    I’m sooo happy right now 🙂 tam I think he is lol. I didn’t think I would hear from him at all while he was away, apart from an email he was going to send to everyone on his travel diary. So far he has texed 3/5 nights! Saying all sorts of lovely stuff 🙂

    Lol he picked up from the start he needs to make plans in advance etc. I love fresh new beginning where you can put these expectations into place.

  39.  #39Smile on January 14, 2013 at 11:44 am

    Am I missing him? Yes, but not in a pining way at all. I’m busy busy busy. That’s why I love it so much when he texts because I am not expecting it.

  40.  #40MovingMagic on January 14, 2013 at 11:54 am

    I like men who are upfront about themselves, who they are, & where they’ve been. I tend to be the same way. It feels better to be authentic, & to share stories that possibly relate. I do keep my ears open for bad mouthing, & blaming though.

  41.  #41MovingMagic on January 14, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    I had a fun date with a guy last night, who originally triggered me a bit, but I hung in using feeling messages, & staying open/receptive. Turns out the guy uses feeling messages himself, & is very spiritually in tune. Haha. Thank you universe for putting similar people across my path.

  42.  #42Iamabutterfly on January 14, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    I feel triggered. “…even if it feels a bit messy and confusing.”

    I can almost guarantee it will feel messy and confusing, because that is what sex is without the commitment of marriage.

    I feel brave for speaking up about this boundary.

    I feel tired of apologizing for who I am, what I believe, what I feel, and what I think.

    and so I’m not…

  43.  #43Iamabutterfly on January 14, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    I feel sad. I feel a longing to talk to him, whoever he is, about the books I’m reading, about the things I want to do, about the places I want to go, about the world I want to change, the things I want to write, the children I want to hold, the things I want to write.

    I suppose I could do this with a CD, but I’m still having a really hard time with that…

    My anxiety has lifted significantly in all areas of my life, so I feel good that CDing will happen soon for me…

  44.  #44MovingMagic on January 14, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    Hmmm. I enjoy sex, & it’s never been an issue, regardless of how long I’ve waited to have it. It feels natural to not have sex on the first few dates, but I also know that sex isn’t a contract. The majority have turned into relationships. Some it happened organically, & others we discussed exclusivity before hand.

  45.  #45Smile on January 14, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    I love wearing my fleecy pjs when it’s snowing 🙂

  46.  #46Starla on January 14, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    ladies, QZ is seriously all over me today contact-wise. it’s like nothing i’ve ever experiences from him. every hour or so it’s another incredibly sincere and enthusiastic text about how into me he is, or how he’s bragging about me to his coworkers at lunch, etc.

    it’s like he’s trying harder than ever to make sure i know he is super super super into me and not going anywhere, after last night and having to leave.

  47.  #47Turquoise on January 14, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    Previous thread, thanks Smile! 🙂

    I slept with my ex husband a couple months after I met him, but only a few weeks after we started dating. It didn’t hurt our relationship, but we moved very fast the first few months, meeting family, etc.

    Other men I’ve slept with quickly… some I have seriously regretted because the relationship didnt’ work out, or I tried to make it work, because I’d slept with him and wasn’t as interested/connected.

    I guess it depends on the situation, how comfortable you feel, etc.

  48.  #48Turquoise on January 14, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    I feel nervous. I’m going to meet sweethearts kids today. Just a quick hello… not a long activity, and not my kids…but I still feel nervous.

  49.  #49Dominique on January 14, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    Smile – from the previous thread –

    Smile – 487 – Why? Unless he asks, why would you need to mention this? Are you looking to him to make you feel bad? Wrong? Something else? Until he claims you in exculsivity, you are a free woman, free to see whomever you wish.


  50.  #50Tam on January 14, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    I have noticed another nice thing. Whenever Curly gets a phonecall he mentions to whoever is calling that he is with me and having a great time….to everybody, mostly people I don’t know even.
    One of his long lost friends called when we cooked yesterday, and as I was busying myself I overheard him tell this guy about me.
    Too cute. I felt very smiley.

  51.  #51Dominique on January 14, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    MovingMagic – 40 – You brought those people to you. You attracted them. And yay you for this. Bringing in good feeling stuff with good feeling people.


  52.  #52Starla on January 14, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    i’ve been using a scripting tool from a different coach named arden leigh. i combine it with rori’s type of messaging. and it seems to be a really really effective way for me to stand up for myself and my feelings without blaming him, and it inspires the man to really care about the feeling your communicating to him. You do this while you’re ‘wrapping up’ your conversation that just happened about the issue you were having.

    for example, last night when i started to take it personally that he was leaving sooner than i wanted him to:

    “thank you for explaining. i was feeling pretty insecure and kind of rejected, but now i know that it’s because it’s very late.”

    and that seems to have inspired him to take responsibility for making sure that i don’t feel insecure or rejected.

    the formula is
    “thank you for explaining” (my contribution to the script. actually, the terminator robot says this, so really we should credit terminator for this line of the script.)

    “I was feeling/I felt _______________ when x happened”

    “Now I know x happened because [his valid reason].”

  53.  #53Turquoise on January 14, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    Thanks for sharing that Starla… I’m thinking of all kinds of situations where I could use that. I did something similar with my oldest daughter last night, and it worked well. I said thank you for sharing your feelings, but sometimes it is them explaining, and it would work too!

  54.  #54Starla on January 14, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    it’s such a simple 3 lines, but it seems to do wonders for the woman being able to make it clear how she was feeling and also make the man feel safe to tend to her feelings without fearing that it will look like an admission to guilt on his part.

  55.  #55Tam on January 14, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Sounds good Starla. I have to say that so far (and this won’t last for sure), I have been totally lazy because there hasn’t really been any need for any scripting or anything to get my point across…so far everything he did around sex and/or generally dating, has been so great and makes me feel so special that I have been totally lazy. I don’t even have to think about when he contacts me next as he does it before I get to that point.
    I know this won’t last and there will be the time for some uncomfortable conversation at some point.
    And I hope I won’t have forgotten everything by then!!!

  56.  #56Starla on January 14, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    you’re welcome, turquoise!

    i love rori’s scripting, but some of it feels too unfinal and open-ended for me… because the man is to lead, of course. i feel so happy to be finding ways to blend the best of all worlds for my scripts, and finding scripts that work wonders!

  57.  #57Starla on January 14, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    tam, did you ever speak to him about being intoxicated when he comes to see you? there’s a scripting opportunity and a half!

  58.  #58Tam on January 14, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    56 Exactly, I know. He hasn’t done it since so I feel mean bringing it up now. But I am already gearing myself up for that 😉

  59.  #59MovingMagic on January 14, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    Thank you for the reminder Mercedes. 🙂 I’m awesome. 🙂 🙂

  60.  #60Smile on January 14, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    Dominique 48

    Amb cd is away on holiday at the minute for 3 weeks. If he was here I prob wouldn’t have time or the desire to ‘actively’ seek more dates on match, but I went on and replied to a few messages and they all asked me for a date! So I’m like hey why not … After all I’m a free woman,,, two of the dates are in the same town as me and amb cd which is small and likely hood of ‘bumping into each other’ is high. I would not feel comfortable accepting dates where I know he could see me. Then my mind wanders… What if the other date wants to hold my hand or kiss me, which has happened on all my other dates. If it was me I would not like that one bit… So why would I do it to him. I know he is responsible for his feelings but i also feel like I could potentially spoil, whatever it is we have at the moment.

    I’m just not comfortable circular dating. I feel like I’m sneaking around if he asks me what I’m doing and I am going on a date, what on earth do I say!

    Amb cd also wants to sleep overnight at either mine or his when I am ready which I feel is a natural step and I would really like to but I feel like I’m holding back because of circular dating.

    I think I Wang to circular date but not actively seek them at the minute. But then I could miss out on others?

    This is a real stumbling block I just can’t seem to get past and it keeps coming up for me over and over 🙁

  61.  #61BeLoved on January 14, 2013 at 1:05 pm


    – so interesting what those 3 lines bring up for me!
    In the past, I don’t think I would believe a man’s explanation because I believed they were liars.

    I’m laughing, thinking of a past cheating incident and how that would fit:
    Thank you for explaining. I was feeling devastated when you told me, in the middle of a miscarriage, that you cheated on me 6 months ago, but now I know it’s because you valued drunken sex with a 23 yo more highly than our relationship, building trust, or my feelings.

    (His actual words – “When would I get the chance to sleep with a 23 yo again?” “Right now honey, we are breaking up. Enjoy!”)
    Hahaha I’m glad it’s funny now.
    Tragedy + time = comedy.


  62.  #62Smile on January 14, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    🙁 I am struggling

  63.  #63Turquoise on January 14, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    Oh my goodness Beloved. I’m glad you can laugh about it now. What an awful thing to go through!

  64.  #64Smile on January 14, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    I feel gulit over my feelings and amb cd if I were to be seen out with another guy, even though exclusivity might not have been verbalised yet after 2 months it is progressing and moving forward in ways which make me feel great!! I can’t help but be concerned for someone else’s feelings.
    All my yummy feelings are being washed away by anxiety of other dates.
    Also for guys I’m meeting, hey get to know me if you want but I am already sleeping with someone else!

    Grrrr 🙁

  65.  #65Starla on January 14, 2013 at 1:20 pm


    lol i thinking judgmental things about that man hahahaha


    you can’t make that shxt up, can you? amazing.

  66.  #66Smile on January 14, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    Note to self…
    You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings

    You are free until he claims you

    Stay in the moment and stop future thinking

  67.  #67BeLoved on January 14, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    Turquoise the more I think about it, and him, the more I am sitting here laughing my butt off.
    He and I were like War of the Roses.
    It was horrific at the time, but honestly hilarious in hindsight.
    It’s also making me think of memories of my father that were really painful, but now they are making me laugh and laugh.

    This is so very very cool, to have healed so much emotional pain. I didn’t realize how much it triggered others around me…
    I was at my sisters this weekend, and my BIL who is usually a big, puffy, jerk of a bully (and has been for the entire 25 years I’ve known him) was very quiet.
    He sat on the floor and didn’t say a word, he just smiled at my grandniece and seemed very tender and fragile in a way I’d never seen him before. I could really feel his humanity and vulnerability.

    So this is what healing feels like…!!

  68.  #68BeLoved on January 14, 2013 at 1:28 pm


    Smile, if it were me I’d start first with hugging myself and loving and appreciating myself for caring so much about other people’s feelings, and see where that takes me.

  69.  #69Dominique on January 14, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Smile – 59 – I feel confused as to ambcd status. Could you please clarify for me so I can best respond.


  70.  #70Smile on January 14, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    Dominique, I have been dating him for 2 months. He is the Aries one you have been helping me with. He is giving me soooo much energy I am glowing. We have had the most AMAZING dates and a few deep connections. We have slept together and I chose trust over wanting to know he isn’t sleeping with anyone else. He is now away on holiday for 3 weeks. And still I continue to receive his energy and glow when he texes. He’s booked me for the eve of the day he gets back and for valentines day.

  71.  #71Smile on January 14, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Beloved that is lovely thank you 🙂

  72.  #72Smile on January 14, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    Wow ((beloved))

  73.  #73Dominique on January 14, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Smile – Has he made any mention of dating only you? If you’re brutally honest with yourself, all your excitement aside, does it seem as though he’s as into you as you him?

    It seems so from where I sit, yet I’m not there seeing, him feeling him as you are.


  74.  #74Dominique on January 14, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Also are you dating the other men because you think you’re supposed to or because you want to? Are you enjoying their company or enduring it?


  75.  #75Smile on January 14, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    Thank you dominique, these are helpful questions. He is more into me that I am into him. He hasn’t mentioned anyone else, and his time seems to be pretty much taken up with me… Like when would he see anyone else lol? He’s even on the other side of the world saying he wants to see me as soon as he gets back.

    With these other dates I feel like I’m enduring it. Like ok well I’ll give you a chance, you may turn out to be amazing? Now I’m laughing because the guy who I am seeing Thursday isn’t really my type at all! In fact his profile says he’s a cynic!! What am I doing lol?!

    While I am writing this he has just texed saying the night he comes back he wants to cook for me and stay over if im ready, which I am, I said I might be ready when he got back to have sleepovers.

  76.  #76Smile on January 14, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Actually I didn’t read it properly, it just says can he come over and cook… I made the staying over bit up as I read it… Probably because that’s what I feel ready to happen if he leads it that way 🙂

  77.  #77FlowerChild77 on January 14, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    I think it’s reasonable to ask if he is sexually exclusive with you, even if you are not exclusively dating each other.

    Might that be a way to broach the subject without feeling like you are bringing drama or pressure to the situation? I see this as a health concern above all else….and a way to ‘kill two birds with one stone’, so to speak.

  78.  #78Dominique on January 14, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    Smile – It seems to me you are unfolding your own answer here. If you feel good with this man, and you really don’t want to date others just because (unless you want to practice), then CD yourself, CD with women friends.

    From what you say, I like this man. Though you of course need to decide this for yourself.


  79.  #79Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    Smile: I agree with Dominique in comment 77 about dating yourself and girlfriends if you’re not happy dating other men but I would still have an open and honest discussion about whether or not you’re exclusive as a couple (either sexually, completely or both). I would have the discussion because 1. If you’re going to be exclusive and he is not, there is potential for hurt down the road and 2. For exactly what FlowerChild77 says in comment 76.

    For me personally, I don’t like assumptions around whether or not I’m exclusive. I prefer to know straight up what his expectations are, whether or not he’s seeing other women and to let him know what my expectations are and whether or not I’m seeing other men.

    Much Love,

  80.  #80Smile on January 14, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    Thank you dominique,

    I like him too. He’s a good one. I would be quite happy dating myself, I am so lucky to have a lot of friends, family, passions and a great career to keep my life flowing beautifully.

    I am also so strong inside that I feel able to walk away should I need to, or give him space if he were to pull away a bit. Or even pick back up online dating if that’s what I feel I want to do…

    I feel so thank ful to you dominique and everyone on the blog for helping me to feel this way.

  81.  #81BeLoved on January 14, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    thanks for the hugs and y’all don’t feel too bad for me,
    devastated was an exaggeration for effect. I’d been through the wringer with this guy so many times that by that point, I felt more resigned than anything.
    It was just so typical of him.

    He was a ton of fun, though, I can honestly say the good times made all of the bad times worthwhile.

  82.  #82BeLoved on January 14, 2013 at 2:33 pm


    I feel pride in witnessing you blossom!

  83.  #83Smile on January 14, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    Mercedes and flowerchild re exclusivity especially sexual exclusivity, yes I was struggling with this a while back before I decided to sleep with him.

    Here is thd conversation I had with dominique around it and her answer. I chose trust at the moment, if I start to feel i want this conversation again dominique helped me with what to say should I want to


  84.  #84Smile on January 14, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    Thank you be loved I’m feeling smiley 

    I loved reading the word y’all, felt all giggly like I switched into an American accent as I read it.

  85.  #85Mercedes on January 14, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    Smile: I can’t get to Dominique’s blog from here but I’ll try to read it from home later tonight if I have time. Just the word “trust” is triggering me a little though because for me, it’s hard to trust someone (in that way) who I’ve only known for a couple of months. That said, I do tend to agree with Dominique’s advice so I wouldn’t be surprised if I read it and she makes me see things another way (she’s really good at that sometimes. lol) but for me personally, I absolutely MUST have that conversation and I DID have that conversation with every man in my CD rotation when I was doing it (every man including J). Yes, I risked him running away from it all but I figured if he did then he really wasn’t all that into me (I am a firm believer that the man who is supposed to be in our lives will not run away just because a little competition showed up). But in any case, it was soooo important to me that all the men I dated (not if I only had one date with them but after about three dates) knew exactly where I stood with regard to dating other people.

    Much Love,

  86.  #86Smile on January 14, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    Thank you mercedes. In my relationship with ex of 2 years, I didn’t choose trust so I’m giving it a go, yes I loved dominiques article around this. At the moment I am comfortable. Im putting my energy into creating and being fun and loving life so he will only want to date me lol rather than focussing on worrying, but I feel secure enough and he is approachable and so open to me asking questions I know I could just come right out with it.

    The fact that he has already said he wants to spend valentines day with me is enough for me at the minute to ‘suggest’ I don’t need to be anxious around him seeing. others. Plus lots of other things.

  87.  #87Tam on January 14, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    Hey Smile, has he mentioned the ‘c’ word, or relationship word or implied it…because if he hasn’t then technically you are free – though I understand the guilty feeling, there is no reason to.
    It’s all so complicated for me too…nagigating this stuff..

  88.  #88Dominique on January 14, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    Smile – If you are having protected sex, then a talk may not be needed, for he’s telling you though maybe without words that he all yours if you want him.

    BUT if you’re not, as Flowerchild said, your health is important, and then yes absolutely this topic needs to be broached, and it’s easy when you’re taking it from this standpoint.

    Like I said yesterday, if he’s dating other women though I would feel hugely surprised if he was, this will come sooner or later without any prompting from you. And likely sooner.


  89.  #89Starla on January 14, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    dominique, i am browsing your blog today in the ‘sex’ category. i feel so grateful that you wrote all this great content that i can learn from now that it’s very relevant in my life. thanks, dominique!

  90.  #90Starla on January 14, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    smile, 23, thank you for the suggestion/comment.

  91.  #91Smile on January 14, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    Dominique, yes we are 1000% using protection. My boundaries are way high on this. The only time I would consider not is if we were considering a family together as I am not on the pill anymore.

    Tam, yes we have talked around commitment a little, this is where the whole do I want to be married ‘eventually comes in. He gave me a lot to reflect on and I know it will come up again soon. He is not yet divorced. Although separated for 3 years. We have spoken around this and I feel comfortable.

  92.  #92Smile on January 14, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    I’m not ‘thinking’ I am in an exclusive committed relationship, I am just not going to online date at the moment.

  93.  #93Smile on January 14, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    Thank you lovely sirens  night night x

  94.  #94Elsie on January 14, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    Starla – I just wanted to say I love your “three lines” script – I’m TOTALLY using that – I love it!


  95.  #95Dominique on January 14, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    Starla – You are so welcome. Thank you for telling me, warms my heart.


  96.  #96janie baby on January 14, 2013 at 6:49 pm

    Ugh Dominique I don’t know how to deal with this.
    Yesterday my boyfriend called and asked what I was doing today. I told him I was busy during the day but free at night. He said he’d come over to watch a movie and have dinner, but it’s already 7 p.m. and he hasn’t called. I don’t know what to do 🙁
    I feel anxious again.
    I feel like calling but then I’m worried I’m coming from a clingy place…
    I feel weird..

  97.  #97Olivia on January 14, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    Ladies -I am someone who was rather promiscuous in the past in an unhealthy way (i.e., did things/did things with people I wasn’t comfortable with) and when you get to a place of confidence about when you feel ready it feels so so good.

    I’ve made a TON of “mistakes” with my current guy, but I feel good about when I told him “yes” to going all the way.

    Looking back, I didn’t know about the concept of being *vulnerable* back then, but I was naturally moved to keep saying “I’m not comfortable, I’m feeling nervous” about actual intercourse, until I was ready and then I said “I’m ready! Let’s do this!”

    It was pretty great.

  98.  #98Elsie on January 14, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    @janie baby – 7pm is about the latest people have dinner. I know how you feel. I dont like waiting either. Sometimes I get that way with my guy. I dont like that he keeps me waiting sometimes. But he just truly gets distracted. He is ISTP if you know the Myers Briggs scale, and I’m ENFJ and those are very very different people.

    How else does he treat you? Has he come over or called yet?


  99.  #99R.N.AmazingMe on January 14, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    Quiet here tonight…hello sirens! I hope you all are starting out a great new year! I been listening in to your stories and life experiences as always

  100.  #100MovingMagic on January 14, 2013 at 9:07 pm

    Enjoying the moment. I want to get back to that place. I move at a lightening fast speed. So much so that I’ve been wearing high heels on the weekends just to slow down, & be in feminine mode. I live in Nyc & walk so much…my poor feet! 😉

  101.  #101MovingMagic on January 14, 2013 at 9:10 pm

    I want everyone else to move at my speed, & most just don’t. A huge lesson in this for me is learning how to not rush things. A slower pace feels more feminine to me. Like a laid back, confident woman.

  102.  #102ALA on January 14, 2013 at 11:15 pm

    I feel good that the plumber guy came to fix my pipes today. Even though it cost waaaaaay more money than I thought it would and had to put it on my credit card. It feels scary for me to have so much debt. Ever since a friend told me about the feng shui aspects of plumbing issues, like a leaking faucet creates money going down the drain I feel anxious when my plumbing isn’t working. lol … I wasn’t even thinking about CDing with the plumber but something good happened… after we got talking awhile (he was here until 9:30 this evening) and he said he would come by and fix the toilet for free!! Yay!

    I was feeling really down all day, so I’m really thankful for this small blessing. :)))

  103.  #103ALA on January 14, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    lol… oops, this went into moderation:

    I feel good that the pl*mber guy came to fix my pipes today. Even though it cost waaaaaay more money than I thought it would and had to put it on my credit card. It feels scary for me to have so much debt. Ever since a friend told me about the feng shui aspects of pl*mbing issues, like a leaking faucet creates money going down the drain I feel anxious when my pl*mbing isn’t working. lol … I wasn’t even thinking about CDing with the pl*mber but something good happened… after we got talking awhile (he was here until 9:30 this evening) and he said he would come by and fix the toilet for free!! Yay!

    I was feeling really down all day, so I’m really thankful for this small blessing. 🙂 ))

  104.  #104Tereana on January 15, 2013 at 12:36 am

    Hi Ladies – I’ve been off-blog for a while. Stopped to read a few times, but not much time to post.

    You what? All my meditations on abundance – nothing! I swear, I’m getting less abundance! Well, maybe that’s it true. I’m attracting abundance, definitely. But my leaks seem to increase faster & greater than the abundance can flow in *sigh.*

    So, I am doing something drastic. I am moving in with a man. Because I have to, yes. But it was his idea. And except for a few minor things, he has been a real, real step-up guy. And he talks about how much he values me and cherishes me and wants me to be with him. He’s never even kissed me. He just really, really likes me. And he wants to help. But he’s interested I’m my heart. That’s what he said. he’s mentioned the M-word. And kids, even.

    And I’m feeling a bit bummed. Because I really like my apartment, and I don’t want to move. But I have to now. And his place is a lot different from what I’m used to. I don’t know. We’ll see. I won’t have to pay rent. He just wants to take care of me – that’s what he said.

    It seems crazy, but I’m trusting my gut. This seems like my best option right now. And it’s all about setting boundaries at the beginning – and making sure that we get to respect each other and have a partnership – whatever that looks like.

  105.  #105Annie on January 15, 2013 at 1:55 am

    I would feel confused to how come a couple who had been separated for three years had not yet got divorced and were choosing to still be married to each other and not fully have moved on.

    What do you think?

  106.  #106Annie on January 15, 2013 at 2:12 am

    Janie Baby.
    “e is ISTP if you know the Myers Briggs scale, and I’m ENFJ ”

    ISTP, ENFI, ADD, Aspergers, dyslexia etc, etc.

    Behavior is behavior at the end of the day.
    And people treat us how we allow ourselves to be treated.
    And our feelings belong to us and we are responsible for our feelings.
    So is Janie babys case if any man/ woman etc has said they are coming over to watch a movie have dinner and she doesn’t like not knowing what time etc then clear communication around this is way forward to enable change to occur.
    If we do not like being treated in a certain way and what we want is to know what time we are both eating dinner and is the best time for us both etc.
    Why is no discussion and communication taking place?

    Janie, hugs. Are you ok?
    It sounds like you are frozen around this.
    Scared maybe of saying something.
    What’s up?
    If you sink into how it makes you feel to not know what is going on what comes up?
    Do you want to continue to tolerate feeling bad about this and accept not knowing what time dinner and movie will be?

  107.  #107Annie on January 15, 2013 at 2:35 am

    Janie baby.

    What feels important to me and key here is your word anxiety.

    Anxiety is natures way of trying to get us to stop and listen to what are we doing that is harmful to us.
    How am I choosing to harm myself?

  108.  #108Butterfly Wings on January 15, 2013 at 3:21 am

    I was thinking about this post earlier.

    My ex #2 and I slept together on our second date. Within 3 weeks he had said the L word, and within a couple of months he told me he was going to marry me. And he did. And we did have a few good years together and we created my beautiful little daughter. And my ex and I are still friends so I don’t regret any of it. 🙂

    I went on two dates with S a couple of years ago, then again NYE, and that’s when we slept together.

    We talked about that tonight when he came over, and I said that it’s not something I normally do (go to the pub, get hit on by a guy, then go back to his place etc), but it just felt right. He agreed that he felt the same way.

    He also said he’s not sure what to make of it all, because it’s just totally unexpected what’s happened between us. On that night he kept saying he had to keep pinching himself, because there he was, kissing this beautiful woman. Awww!

    He also told me that he hadn’t had much luck with dating. He had dated a few girls, but most he didn’t ask out again. Then there was another that I think he may have slept with, but he said it wasn’t feeling right. So he walked away from it.

    I’m not sure what’s going to happen with us, but right now I feel so happy when I’m with him, and I told him tonight that I’m the happiest I’ve been in a very long time. He said “Good” then he kissed me (again!).

    I really don’t see myself going on ANY more romantic dates with anybody else while I’m seeing S. But I have arranged to meet up with M, who is a guy I dated a couple of years ago, and although he’s not my type (at all!), he has the most gentle soul I’ve ever known. There is just something about him that I really like. I don’t want anymore than friendship with him though.

    So I’m still kind of CDing, but not in a romantic sense, which I think is still a good thing! 🙂

  109.  #109Butterfly Wings on January 15, 2013 at 3:25 am

    I remember someone on here once saying something about recognising how you feel in his presence. If you feel good in a man’s presence or about the relationship as a whole, then that is a good thing.

    But if you’re not feeling good, then it’s time to take a long hard look at your relationship and decide if it’s serving you.

    My relationship with TH was definitely not serving me at all. In fact, I rarely felt good about the relationship, and I never felt really good in his presence.

    Now that I’ve got S in my life, I’m really able to see the contrast. I feel AMAZING when I’m with S. I feel amazing when I’m just thinking about him and about us.

    I’ve been totally missing out for over two years!!!

  110.  #110Butterfly Wings on January 15, 2013 at 3:36 am

    Anyway, just thought I’d post that because I’m in a really happy place right now and just want to tell the world! haha! 😀

  111.  #111Tam on January 15, 2013 at 5:09 am

    I believe I can trust my gut-feeling. So why am I not ready to commit? The answer came yesterday.
    Curly had something to do which, without going into the story, made me worry about him as it had to do with an eviction and bad people…claiming back a place. This has been ongoing stuff and I overheard snippets that made me feel queasy about things.
    So I don’t hear from him past 9am which is totally out of character. Something had happened, I sent a text around afternoon time – no reply. I was scared to phone.
    I contacted our common friend, NoCD, who is a super conservative guy, good job, very intelligent and all above board (a good person). I just asked him if he had heard from Curly, left a text saying I had not heard from him and was getting concerned about this stuff he is dealing with (that NoCD knows about also). I had no reply.
    So until I went to bed I heard nothing.
    All kinds of thoughts went through my head. What if he got into a fight? Or worse?
    I felt awful.
    Then went to bed.
    This morning I get a text message at 5:20am (he knows I get up early for my work), to call him when I can. Sigh of relief, he is at home and ok. And then my anger surfaced.
    I do not want any drama in my life and I told him, he said there is no drama in his life. There is a LOT of it, most not his fault but one or two of the people he is mixing with are bad news. I don’t need this. I don’t need the worry. I have enough trouble in my own life to worry about.
    I feel very protective of myself.
    And now my fear is surfacing and I don’t want to talk. At all. I want to just run again.
    It could be that all this yesterday was harmless of course but my mind is making up all these stories.
    I don’t know.

  112.  #112Tam on January 15, 2013 at 5:31 am

    I don’t need to explain anything. He knows already that bringing drama into my life is the biggest dealbreaker I have. If I just stopped returning calls and texts and drop him dead he would know why.
    This is uncceptable to me.
    People that make the hairs on my back stand up are unacceptable to me.
    I am not in control in anybody but I am in control of my own life. And I need to keep my wits together for my own stuff I am dealing with.
    So let’s see how I feel later on…

  113.  #113Linda on January 15, 2013 at 6:07 am

    Top of the Morning Sirens!

    THis thread is timely for me and the discussion that Dominque and Mercedes and Smile are having.

    I am still CDing but I have to say that I really must admit that I would be very happy to be in a exclusive/committed relationship with FavoriteCD. (I will change his name when that happens) He simply feels like home to me and I just melt into him when we are together. We have started spending the night together and it is more delightful than words could ever do justice. Like this thread says… I just simply felt ready to share this part of myself with him. I am not worried that it will mess anything up. If it does then he was not the man he seemed to be. He has not gone anywhere and since we slept together… it feels simply feels right and amazing. There are a few elements of our relationship that are not functioning as I would like but 8 out of 10 are! The biggest challange for me is to keep my feet out of the land of “expectation”…. but I made it very clear to him what I am looking for in life and I would have would never kept seeing him from the inital time we met if we were not on the same page. He took his profile down as a result of a discussion we had weeks ago, (I agreed to do the same). He told me he was not seeing anyone else and I have decided to TRUST him and his word. If he becomes untrustworthy or has been lied to me, it will surface. It always does. I am prepared for it but not expecting it to happen I might add…. Except for wanting more communication from him and not being introduced to any of his family yet(he says I will soon)… everything else is absoulutely wonderful!!

    There have been a couple of triggers that have eminiated from my experiences from my past relationships. I have been feeling my way thru all of this… been able to stay connected to them in my body and I am have been able to pinpoint and understand them hat have come up in me. I can happily say this relationship feels, nurturing and healing and calm good… all the way around. He feels like my man.

  114.  #114ALA on January 15, 2013 at 6:15 am

    I’m wanting to contact D soooo bad. Just wrote out a long email, being all explainey. (I didn’t send it!!!) Not blaming. Just explaining why I contacted authorities because I was getting death threats from the woman he’s been seeing on the side.

    Didn’t say I want him back.

    I can see that my pattern for going back is mostly because I dont want her to be with him. I dont love him. In fact, I think I hate him. I’m sooo triggered. I saw him yesterday doing the same exact fake-o seduction to her that he did to me. He’s really good at it too. Too bad he cant do a real relationship. grrr I’m so angry and jealous… and wanting to listen to my NVs… waisting my time, my life grrr, grrr My fears… what if it’s real with her and not me.

    … just venting. Tough day, I haven’t slept at all. I may be back with some more later! lol

    Thinking of Miss Bells, and how eloquently she has handled her situation. If I didn’t get all crazy, jealous maybe it would be different. Maybe it would’ve just stayed the same… que sera

    Can I get some input about sending the email to him? … pros, cons whatever.

  115.  #115Mercedes on January 15, 2013 at 6:15 am

    Smile: Re 86. You sound wonderful…and so does he! 🙂

    I have a little different take on it, but because of my own experiences (old stuff that would come up for me when I was dating), I needed the conversation around it very quickly. But…I had good reason to hold on to my trust and not give it away quickly (quickly??? actually, I rarely trusted anyone at the time. lol). I can certainly see where you and he are in a completely different place than I was and that there is no need to take the path I needed to take at the time. I’m very excited for you!!

    Much Love,

  116.  #116Mercedes on January 15, 2013 at 6:21 am

    ALA: What purpose would the email serve you? What would it change? How hard would it be waiting for him to respond it it? Would you have expectations of what you would want him to say afterward and if he didn’t say those things would you be even more hurt? angry? sad? etc?

    My personal belief is that your energy should be completely spent on your own healing and self love. Any email you write, email you send, time spent waiting and hoping for a reply, thoughts spent with anger and jealousy is energy that would better serve you by being directed to your own loving goodness for yourself. Now is the time to get really, really selfish and using every ounce of everything you have for yourself.

    In other words…I wouldn’t suggest sending the email at all.

    Just my take.

    Much Love,

  117.  #117BeLoved on January 15, 2013 at 6:30 am


    Something I’ve done that has been really really great in helping me HEAR myself is
    sending those long explainey emails
    to MYSELF.
    It’s one thing to tell him about getting death threats and quite another thing to really really GET
    that you are GETTING DEATH THREATS
    and are in a position that you feel your life is in danger and feel the need to contact authorities.

    I don’t always practice this, but when I do…it works wonders.
    I realize…oh, that’s for ME to hear.

  118.  #118ALA on January 15, 2013 at 6:36 am

    Thank, Mercedes… I really appreciate what you said.

    My only expectation from doing it would be to tell him my reasons for doing what I did. Why I acted so over the top crazy. Even though it really isnt that crazy to want to protect your own life, sheesh. I guess I would hope to change how he thought of me. I dont want any reply from him. I cant really feel any more sad, hurt, angry, etc then I already am.

  119.  #119Femininewoman on January 15, 2013 at 6:37 am

    Tam your comments feel very confusing to me. What kind of drama is he bringing into your life?

    What you have written suggests to me that he was trying to spare you the drama by handling it himself. He did not call so it seems he would not have given anything away in his energy, his tone etc. Something was going on that it seems he wanted to deal with on his own. You went out of your way to try to find out what it is. Then he CHOSE to tell you. He could have kept it to himself to save you the agony of the drama. Maybe I am wrong here but it seems your mind is running things here.

  120.  #120ALA on January 15, 2013 at 6:39 am

    lol, BeLoved… it really is so much easier when it’s someone else, huh.

  121.  #121ALA on January 15, 2013 at 6:46 am

    I feel better just getting it out, having wonderful women that understand. I feel better choosing “no drama” for myself… Love to ((( Me )))

  122.  #122BeLoved on January 15, 2013 at 6:52 am


    I find that it often feels SO much easier when I get that it’s ME 🙂
    I don’t have to worry about trying to convince someone or what they think of me or anything like that…I *get it*, feel validated (because I’ve validated myself!) and I feel wayyyy lighter and happier.

    I’m thinking of a few months ago, when I was pist at an ex, and snarling, “you never really loved me all the way through” and other stuff.
    He said, “I see all of these thoughts turning into soft fluffy balls of light and landing in a sack that says, ‘nothing to do with me'”
    I felt so much better that a) he didn’t take it personally; and b) that I could hear my own desperate pain of not loving myself all the way through.

    I did, I really really DID want it to be him! And I felt so much better when I realized it wasn’t. It felt so good to hear those messages from deep inside myself and feel connected with me!

  123.  #123ALA on January 15, 2013 at 6:55 am

    lol… just now I said to my self “I’m gonna send it!… noooo, I’m not going to send it!”

    What’s that all about?

    … avoiding what’s real in my life. I’m so laser focused on this email. I want to save face.

  124.  #124Mercedes on January 15, 2013 at 6:56 am

    ALA: Awwww…” Even though it really isnt that crazy to want to protect your own life, sheesh.” It’s not crazy at all. No worries there, you did what you had to do in order to feel safe. That’s not crazy, it’s IMPORTANT.

    “I guess I would hope to change how he thought of me.” Personally, I don’t think it matters anymore how he thinks of you. If you are truly done with him and you “hate” him then it no longer matters what he thinks at all where you are concerned. I’d still totally move on from this one. There are men in this world who would never, ever put you in a dangerous situation…ever. Focus on healing yourself and you will draw a man just like that into your life.

    Much Love,

  125.  #125ALA on January 15, 2013 at 6:57 am

    whoa, BeLoved… its like you’re in my head!

  126.  #126ALA on January 15, 2013 at 7:02 am

    Mercedes, that feels like you’re giving me a big boost back up on my horse. I feel more confident about myself when I gear your words. It feels like I can really do this! Go me!

  127.  #127ALA on January 15, 2013 at 7:02 am

    hear, not gear

  128.  #128BeLoved on January 15, 2013 at 7:07 am


    I’ve totally been there.
    Many many times.
    If I really felt a deep compulsion to hit the send button, ideally I’d send it to myself.

    I changed one guy’s email nickname to, “DON’T YOU DARE SEND THIS F*CKING EMAIL CHECK YOUR LJ ACCOUNT FIRST!”

    so if I typed his name, all of that would come up – and I’d go to my LJ entries where I had written all of the ways he had caused me pain, and all of the reasons that I understood made it a bad idea to send him anything when I was thinking more rationally and clearly.

    It worked! Every now and then his name pops up when I’m type in the first few letters of an email addy, and it cracks me up to see that.

  129.  #129ALA on January 15, 2013 at 7:14 am

    That’ a great idea, BeLoved. I usually just leave it blank until I’m absolutely positive I want to send it. After a one night drunken ‘send’ mishap.

  130.  #130ALA on January 15, 2013 at 7:20 am

    It’s really not a “bad” intentions email at all.

    I started to write “I THINK his kind side would really listen to me” But then I switched it to “I FEEL…” and it doesn’t make as much sense to send it.

    I “think” feels ambiguous to me.

  131.  #131ALA on January 15, 2013 at 7:22 am

    I need some sleep.

    Thanks so much!!! I feel calm and good right now.

  132.  #132Tam on January 15, 2013 at 7:30 am

    118. FW, my intuition, and stuff I picked up on…
    And guess what, turns out that my intuition was right on. There was a reason why he didn’t contact me..he couldn’t.
    And I knew why.
    And believe me, that is indeed too much drama for me right now, and I believe it would be for most people on this blog.
    And I thank my intuition and gut feelings for warning me and for making me hold back.
    It’s nothing majorly bad but right now I am not sure I even want to talk to him.
    I feel confused but also like an amazing human being. I am incredibly intelligent and intuitive and clearly psychic 🙂
    Comes from years of practice reading people.
    I feel pretty amazed that nobody can pull wool over my eyes. So far anyway.

  133.  #133Dominique on January 15, 2013 at 7:39 am

    janie baby – 96 – well that’s inconsiderate, isn’t it? it may be too late since I haven’t read past here yet, but in the future, I wouldn’t suggest reaching out. you carry on with your evening. for me 7 PM is still early evening though everyone is different around this. and when he does call/text, you respond from how you feel in this moment. I don’t want you to attack him though. maybe I need to read more beyond this to get a better feel. will be back.


  134.  #134Dominique on January 15, 2013 at 7:44 am

    Elsie – 98 – Actually this isn’t so. Europeans for example often dine at 9 or 10 PM. In my house the earliest we might dine is at 8:30. Another perspective to keep in mind.


  135.  #135Turquoise on January 15, 2013 at 7:52 am

    Hi sirens! Happy Tuesday! I didn’t end up meeting the kids last night. Timing wasn’t working out, and then we talked about it and I shared that I felt it might be better if he talked to them about me first, rather than spring me on them. He’s so excited and expects this to go really well… But I’m feeling more cautious.

  136.  #136Dominique on January 15, 2013 at 7:56 am

    Annie – 104 – This would give me pause too. Yet there are some instances (someone here for example though she doesn’t post often anymore) where they stay married for health insurance purposes. She has children with special needs.

    There may be some other reasons similar to this though none are coming to mind right now.

    Aside from this, I can’t think of any reason why they wouldn’t divorce except for reasons most here wouldn’t want to deal with. Ties which may never be broken, what would seem to me to be unhealthy ties, for example.

    In the past, divorces could take three years, but this is no longer the case as far as I know.

    And if a couple is going to separate with the intention to give each other space to sort our their whatevers, then why are they dating?

    I don’t see a problem with dating someone who is still married AS LONG AS papers have been filed, and the relationship is very much over.

    I don’t usually recommend dating someone in this situation or newly divorced, yet I was that person, still married with papers filed, and I was SO done with the relationship, had been for most of the years we were married. So there are exceptions.

    Tread carefully is what I would say.


  137.  #137Turquoise on January 15, 2013 at 8:00 am

    Tam, you sound so strong. I’m not sure how you do that… Maybe felt prepared for the possibility? I’m sorry he disappointed or upset you. 🙁

  138.  #138Femininewoman on January 15, 2013 at 8:03 am

    So he tried to pull wool over your eyes?
    Was he in jail?

  139.  #139Tam on January 15, 2013 at 8:04 am

    137 😉

  140.  #140Dominique on January 15, 2013 at 8:05 am

    janie baby – I didn’t see any more from you around this. I feel curious how this played out. I think the lesson for you here is to ask for more clarity the next time you make plans with him. Tell him you feel more comfortable/safe when you have clear plans, or something like this.


  141.  #141Tam on January 15, 2013 at 8:07 am

    Thanks Turqoise! No biggie. He didn’t actually disappoint me majorly because he is still honest but I assume he is witholding pertinent info….and also, he did try to talk to me but I don’t want to talk to him.
    In my own sweet time.
    I do love my suspicious mind because time and time again it turned out to be right. I have no problem giving someone the benefit of the doubt, even two or three times if I perceive them ‘worth it’.
    But my intuition is so good now, that nobody can fool it. Not even me. It screams.
    I love it.

  142.  #142Annie on January 15, 2013 at 8:20 am

    Tam says

    “But my intuition is so good now, that nobody can fool it. Not even me. It screams.
    I love it.”

    I feel synchronized with you on that one.
    To me it is like my soul screaming at me.
    And it is only when I ignore, don’t want to hear it, don’t want it to be true and listen to mine or others logical reasoning and either let others or my own logic overide this talking myself out of listening to my soul that I end up in trouble and dragged down to the pitts. Feels like hell when that happens. Like I create my own hell when I don’t listen to my soul/gut instinct whatever one wants to call it.

  143.  #143Tam on January 15, 2013 at 8:23 am

    141 Yeppers Annie….although I do err on the side of caution, and know that my instinct is to push things away, which is why I often give the benefit of the doubt to see if it is my fear pushing things away or my intuition.
    The truth will out. Always.

  144.  #144Starla on January 15, 2013 at 9:02 am

    i feel so much better today than yesterday, about all the little nagging things that were blocking my bliss.

    it seems as though giving things time before finally reacting to them is a good way to go for me.

  145.  #145Mercedes on January 15, 2013 at 9:28 am

    The house we were looking at came just a little too late. The owners accepted the bid from someone else and they are closing very soon. 🙁 I can’t help but be a touch disappointed although I do know that it wasn’t meant to be. J has already gotten the floor plans and written down all the little details we liked about the place and wants to build it on our own ground and change the few things we didn’t like so much (like the jacuzzi tub was too small and the privacy glass surrounding the shower would be replaced with stone, etc…just little things but things we could control from the beginning). We also know who the original builder was so maybe we can even contract with them.

    I don’t know if any of that will ever happen, but that’s okay. Something will…soon…I can feel it in both of us. 🙂

    Much Love,

  146.  #146Annie on January 15, 2013 at 9:35 am


    “Yeppers Annie….although I do err on the side of caution, and know that my instinct is to push things away,”

    That feels interesting to hear that you think your instinct is to push things away.
    Ty for sharing.
    To me the pushing away I do does not come from my instinct. It either comes from my learned, subconscious reactive conditioned behavior after failing to fully trust my instinct and act on it in a fully aware loving conscious way speaking my truth and taking the best loving action which is in my higher interest and good. And the energy behind it goes outwards towards the other person making me lose my personal power, which normally leads to either to both sides reacting more and more attacking each, other risking it spiraling out of control. Or with one person shutting down and closing off. Having the effect of nothing ever being resolved and getting stuck and frozen in time for groundhog day to occur and the same problem occur or happen with that person or another person in the future.

    Or if I manage to catch myself before I reach that reactive place It then comes from a new more healthy consciously aware state where I choose to speak my truth in a non attacking way and take action that is in my best higher good.In that way I then open the door to become unstuck from that horrible rinse and repeat cycle, frozen in time groundhog day theme and I still might push someone who is highly toxic/harmful or not good for me right out of the door for now or out of my life for good. Or enable something new to occur and new learning and development to take place. This way though if new learning does not occur the pushing away is then a blessing in disguise as it then leaves space for me to become unstuck, move forward rather that round and round for something better to come along that will feel better and serve me better.

  147.  #147Starla on January 15, 2013 at 9:38 am

    mercedes, you will end up in what will be your dream home, i just know it!

  148.  #148Mercedes on January 15, 2013 at 9:59 am

    I believe that too Starla! (Even if we have to build it…which could be a fun hobby for us anyway. lol).

    Thank you!!

    Much Love,

  149.  #149Jaclyn on January 15, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Hi Rori,
    My situation has consumed the last 2 yrs of my life and i just cant take it anymore. I was in my relationship for 10yrs we were planning on getting married once i got pregnant. After having the baby, i collapsed from a stroke. the leftside of my body completely died. He walked out and never came back. I’ve learned how to take care of the baby on my own with the use of 1 arm.
    He never gave me a reason other then he just wasnt strong enough to go thru it w me. recently he told me hes getting married but has been trying to come around and have sex with me “only”. I’m lost and so confused. it looks hopeless at this point he will come back. I just pretend everythings ok. When its so far from that.Can you give me any advise?

  150.  #150ALA on January 15, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Mercedes – putting my good vibes out there for you that something better and meant to be will manifest.

    Homeownership isn’t all that for me right now. Now half my outlets aren’t working. I’m running space heaters because it’s soooooooo cold here. When I flip the breaker switch it does nothing. I’m going to try to replace the outlet I *think* got fried myself. I have NO money after yesterday to hire an electrician right now.

    Go away NVs telling me it’s my karma for not responding to D from a loving place. I really don’t need this right now!

  151.  #151Starla on January 15, 2013 at 10:09 am

    i was feeling so blessed and sweetened this morning… QZ has already started with the valentine’s day themed treats, and he’s always bringing me interesting little candies because they’re foreign or novel and therefore cute, and not because he expects me to eat them, hehe.

    and he gave me a computer and loaded up my favorite tv series on it for me to watch

    and when i say i want to see a movie, he offers to take me, or he finds it for me to watch at home.

    and he calls me every single morning to tell me how much he loves me

    eeeeeee i feel guilty gushing here right now.

    trigger trigger trigger

  152.  #152Starla on January 15, 2013 at 10:11 am

    148 ALA, hehe i don’t think that’s how karma works, unless you’re deep down hoping to get punished for what you ‘did’ to D. then it’s not karma but just law of attraction at work hehe

  153.  #153ALA on January 15, 2013 at 10:13 am

    Gush away, Starla! It’s really sweet. I really love hearing about your happy ending.

  154.  #154ALA on January 15, 2013 at 10:18 am

    There is A LOT of negative energy surrounding the “Me and D” saga. A whole freakin’ community of about 50 or so people, raging negative voices. One of the more vocal members had to replace his whole septic system… $20,000 the day after everything came down. So much negative forces at play here. Another good reason to want to stay away.

  155.  #155ALA on January 15, 2013 at 10:20 am

    BTW, He wasn’t on ‘my side’ so to speak.

  156.  #156ALA on January 15, 2013 at 10:40 am

    It’s kinda freaky how this LOA stuff works. My full attention is on minding my Ps&Qs.

    I always felt so alone in that “community” I really appreciate being able to talk anoymously and semi-private about all this. I realize that just coming in here and unloading could seem sorta

  157.  #157Mercedes on January 15, 2013 at 10:40 am

    ALA: Thank you! It’s all good. We have a very nice home now we’ve just kind of “outgrown” it (which seems silly since there are only two of us, but it is what it is). I was just excited about being able to move in very quickly and not have to wait to buy land, hire a builder, etc. I’m guessing this will simply turn into a situation where we build exactly what we want which in all honesty will absolutely be better than even that place since we’ll be able to choose all the details. 🙂 It’ll all work out. I just have to learn to be patient and that is not something I excel at. haha!

    Much Love,

  158.  #158ALA on January 15, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Twilight Zone – ish

  159.  #159ALA on January 15, 2013 at 10:51 am

    If I could have a do-over I would want to build something new and exactly what I want.

    My first client is going to be here soon. Be back later…

  160.  #160Daria on January 15, 2013 at 10:56 am

    I don’t care what he has to do, bonding w me is priority.

    Bonding after sex is priority too and not something optional. It’s part of creating a fulfilling experience for me.

    Otherwise sometimes I can get triggered and cry and feel awful.

    So I want that covered. He doesn’t leave in the middle of sex and immediately after doesn’t feel good either.

    (when I wana leave after sex I don’t mind, and I think that’s a bit of a defense mechanism for me )

  161.  #161Starla on January 15, 2013 at 10:59 am

    i want to build an uber space efficient house one day. It will be less than 1000 sq feet but will feel like a palace.

    this will leave more space on the plot of land… for the goats and chickens! hehehehe my dreams ((((((my dreams))))))))

  162.  #162Starla on January 15, 2013 at 11:03 am

    qz did stay for like an hour after we had sex. i think my trigger came from him not wanting to have sex a second time. he felt pressured to perform. and i felt rejected.

    anyway, if i lean back a bit on the sex-front for the time being while he gets his bearings with me sexually and feels open and unafraid, this won’t be an issue anymore.

  163.  #163Starla on January 15, 2013 at 11:08 am

    the only man who ever immediately broke away from me after sex was MyGuy. Man oh man was sex with him not very good. selfish, selfish, selfish lover. oi.

    i am full of triggers today!

    hormones too

  164.  #164Calypso on January 15, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Hi Sirens!

    I’ve been away from my computer for days, so behind on the blog AGAIN.

    New with me:

    1. I took a test to identify which of my Chakras might have issues and . . . the results indicate that of the 7 Chakras tested, 3 were Weak and 4 were CLOSED . . . well, that can’t be good! Lol. No wonder . . . Ok, so I have some work to do on that!

    2. Tall guy from POF never did call me after getting my number – NEXT!

    3. I’m still doing good with my “Letting Go” tools that I have been using for GM – still no contact or desire on my part to make contact. I might start calling him “Ghost” . . .

    4. A new POF guy has made contact and is now texting daily and just friended me on FB. He calls himself a Cowboy, So, “Cowboy” it is. He does not look like anyone I would normally think I would want to date, but i am really pushing myself to not focus on that! Our conversations are great and he has a lot of qualities I look for in a man. he has a great job and has been there 24 years, but when he is not at work, he has a horse farm – SWEET!!! I love horses! he travels and hunts big game and raises horses and seems to be the kind of “Man’s Man” that I am looking for. I’m leaning back and letting him do the work.

    Yesterday was my middle son’s 21st birthday. I topok the day off and got a 1 hour full body massage – happy “It’s my kids birthday” to me! Lol

  165.  #165Daria on January 15, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Ladies : I’m feeling triggered w some of the advice I’m reading.

    For the record Rori advises:

    — To CD preferably w actual dates until a man offers what you want, forever after.

    — Not to commit to exclusivity when he asks (and def NOT before he asks). Rori calls this the girlfriend trap and avoiding this is a big part of her work

    — Not to assume sexual exclusivity, and if you want, to bring it up after you’ve had sex at least once, by sayIng that you don’t feel confortable continuing to sleep with a man withou

    —- in addition: not paying, driving to a man, calling or texting first, and not waiting for a man, ever. This behavior honors the energy balance of the relationship and benefits both of you.

  166.  #166Indigo on January 15, 2013 at 11:34 am


    You sound really great. I feel in awe 🙂

  167.  #167Indigo on January 15, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Wow, great e-mail from Rori today.

    Thank you so much for this, Rori! I love the “shift the gears” tool and it was so incredibly timely for me, you have no idea.

    I kind of “got it” as I was reading it, and then put it into practice immediately, and it’s a really difficult area for me, and I thought, I can do this. It felt so much better.

  168.  #168ALA on January 15, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Happy Being a Mom day, Calypso!

    sigh, D’s a cowboy… manly-man.

    I’m going to send him the email. It feels like the right thing to do in my heart. Just to let him know. Releasing all expectations. Sure, I wish things were better and good and different. They’re not though, and never will be.

  169.  #169Daria on January 15, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Thank you Daria. That feels pretty solid. I’m gona read that again for direction n solidity.

  170.  #170Starla on January 15, 2013 at 11:46 am

    – To CD preferably w actual dates until a man offers what you want, forever after.

    and to keep cd’ing yourself after he does offer what you want.

    QZ isn’t the jealous sort at all and when it comes to fidelity, he just chooses to trust his girlfriend without question, so i can actually keep going out with the guys i used to go out with that i wish to remain friends with. i’m pretty lucky for this! i really have no reason to ever let my vibe get desperate and needy.

  171.  #171Starla on January 15, 2013 at 11:49 am

    i agree with daria’s reminder about the rori basics, although i did stray from the basics and it worked great for me. i strongly, strongly believe i am the exception. and in the end, nothing i did really involved strategizing or overfunctioning… it was sort of a magic unfolding/him leading, once i showed him that the door was open.

  172.  #172Daria on January 15, 2013 at 11:51 am

    Whew 🙂


    In other stuff to process

    Nanny CD is rubber banding. Seems its not quite conscious.

    I don’t like it.

    His big win with me was how consistent he was and how he wanted to see me everyday.

    So him changing it to not wanting to see me at all this week until a big party Fruday kinda shoots him in the foot.

    I told him I didn’t like not seeing him till then and he said maybe Wednesday.

    Well maybe.

    I’m def still CDing.

    He actually also kinda rubber banded last week w not calling for two days — he said he didn’t want to always be bugging me.

    The timing wasn’t good as I didn’t have any CDs and wound up alone for my Name-Day, which is like a birthday.

    So now I guess he’s continuing to robber band.

    I feel like ‘punishing’

    And I guess under that I feel mad and under that I feel relieved- hooh I’m not gona have to marry him!

    And a lil sad.

    And surprised
    And intrigued.

    I feel pleased as I have been treated very well w him si my requirements and level of difficulty went up!

  173.  #173BeLoved on January 15, 2013 at 11:55 am


    I was actually going to say nearly the same thing…it was pretty much perfect and felt good to read.
    Well done!

  174.  #174Mercedes on January 15, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Starla: LOL! This is the opposite of the house we want: “i want to build an uber space efficient house one day. It will be less than 1000 sq feet ”

    The one we were looking at was almost 7,000 sq feet and was totally open with TONS of wasted space both inside an out (but we want space for all of our kids to come home and then, when the grandchildren are in our lives, we have room for them too)! haha! Just thought that was funny – how different our likes can be. 🙂

    Daria: 163. Thank you. It felt like the right time for that here.

    Much Love,

  175.  #175ALA on January 15, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Daria, What’s the last part or this:

    – Not to assume sexual exclusivity, and if you want, to bring it up after you’ve had sex at least once, by sayIng that you don’t feel confortable continuing to sleep with a man withou

    Nice words, btw.

  176.  #176Starla on January 15, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    lol! mercedes, your house could eat my house! and 6 of its cousins, too, haha.

  177.  #177Starla on January 15, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    “And I guess under that I feel mad and under that I feel relieved- hooh I’m not gona have to marry him!”

    Daria, you didn’t like the thought of marrying him?

  178.  #178MovingMagic on January 15, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Starla, I felt pretty bliss blocked yesterday myself. I spammed here a bit, & talked to a close girlfriend. It helped so much! I had a meeting this afternoon for a performance I’m doing this weekend. Made plans to have tea Ohhhh there you are bliss!

  179.  #179MovingMagic on January 15, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    Ooops. Cut that short. Made plans to have tea with a Samba sista, & got my bliss ball rolling again. Yesss!

  180.  #180Mercedes on January 15, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    Haha! Starla! Right! I was thinking almost the same thing! “We could put 7 Starla dream palaces in our dream palace!”

    Much Love,

  181.  #181Mercedes on January 15, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    MM: “got my bliss ball rolling again.” YAY!!!! Love that!!! 🙂 🙂

    Much Love,

  182.  #182Annie on January 15, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    163: Daria says:

    “Ladies : I’m feeling triggered w some of the advice I’m reading.

    For the record Rori advises:

    – To CD preferably w actual dates until a man offers what you want, forever after.

    – Not to commit to exclusivity when he asks (and def NOT before he asks). Rori calls this the girlfriend trap and avoiding this is a big part of her work

    – Not to assume sexual exclusivity, and if you want, to bring it up after you’ve had sex at least once, by sayIng that you don’t feel confortable continuing to sleep with a man without

    —- in addition: not paying, driving to a man, calling or texting first, and not waiting for a man, ever. This behavior honors the energy balance of the relationship and benefits both of you.”

    Thanks for the reminder Daria. Felt good to be reminded.
    Although I feel sure Rori says to have the discussion re sex to and exclusivity before you sleep with him when he is pushing and wanting sex to see if you are both on the same page.

  183.  #183Starla on January 15, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    “Although I feel sure Rori says to have the discussion re sex to and exclusivity before you sleep with him when he is pushing and wanting sex to see if you are both on the same page.”

    she actually says the first one is a freebie (i imagine so that you can be certain you actually want to keep sleeping with him).

    but of course you could discuss it before you have sex the first time!

  184.  #184Annie on January 15, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    Starla, perhaps Rori has said different things and different moments then. As I feel sure I read to discuss sexual exclusivity before having sex to see of you were both on the same paige if that is what you wanted sexual exclusivity.

  185.  #185Annie on January 15, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    Starla, perhaps Rori has said different things at different moments then and given different advice to different women then. As I feel sure I read to discuss sexual exclusivity before having sex to see of you were both on the same paige if that is what you wanted sexual exclusivity.

  186.  #186Tam on January 15, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    most good men I was with, if they were truly interested, actually mentioned commitment before sex. Now there’s food for thought.

  187.  #187Starla on January 15, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    annie, i think it was in targeting mr. right. i think. i’ve seen so many, they’re all running together! 🙂

  188.  #188janie baby on January 15, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    Thanks Elsie, Annie, and Dominique for your input <3
    We've always ate dinner quite late and I usually don't have a problem with last minute plans. It's just with him sometimes this anxiety comes up like I need to see him or something. I think it's looking for fulfillment through the relationship instead of finding fullfillment through myself. Hmm.
    He ended up calling at 7 p.m. and said he'd come over at 8 and he did and I ended up doing a meditation before he called so I felt good when he called. We got sushi and then got tea at the market and had a relaxing night. We got breakfast this morning and he left. He told me he'd come over tonight but I said I was going to watch the Bachelor instead.
    When I'm with him, I feel loved for the most part. It's the time in between where I start overanalyzing and expecting and feeling insecure. Hmm.
    Focus on myself FOcus on myself.
    I can already feel myself assuming that I'm going to see him tomorrow night and keeping it open for him my mind. …… Release!!!

  189.  #189Frannie on January 15, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Dear Sirens & Rori,
    I desperately need your help and guidance. I have made every mistake that Rori talks about, and then some!

    Let me start by saying that I’ve read Rori’s ebook, and all the newsletters. I’ve tried the Modern Siren program as well as the Love Scripts.

    I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months. Things were going great in the beginning, but now things seem to have hit a snag. I’ve been trying to use my feeling messages to let him know how I’m feeling, but every time I do, he says that I make him feel like shit…which is definitely not my intention.

    What am I doing wrong? I’ve been leaning back, not calling or texting first, using my feeling messages, etc. I’ve been thinking that maybe I need a different program, but can’t afford to buy any others right now – I’m unemployed and just started back to school. I also have a 2 1/2 year old son to support.

    I know that my boyfriend is a great guy. He has a few flaws, but who doesn’t, right? I’ve been trying to use the feeling messages to let him know how I am feeling / what I need from the relationship, but for some reason he seems to take everything very personally.

    Please send all comments / suggestions. I would really appreciate it.
    Thanks ladies!

  190.  #190Starla on January 15, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    It’s only Tuesday and QZ already made plans for us for the weekend:D he’s going to come over and cook me dinner since i don’t want to go out anywhere. i got a chemical peel yesterday and am going to look scary. he says he wants to see my yucky face and cook it dinner anyway.

    i can’t see him on Sunday like usual because I have to do a reiki share for my certification course. he was so supportive and made me feel like i am free to live my life and pursue my dreams, but that he will also miss me and tries to plan a time that works better for me. 🙂

  191.  #191Starla on January 15, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    frannie, my guy takes everything pretty personally too… i had to tweak some of the rori stuff a bit to accommodate this part of his personality. if you give me some specific examples of what he’s taking personally, we can help you tweak it!

  192.  #192Turquoise on January 15, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    🙂 Sweetheart wants the whole future plan with me… He loves me, he’s talked marriage, “our kids” (meaning his and mine, not new babies! 🙂 ) vacations, where he would buy my engagement ring, and we’ve talked time frame. Yet, I did have sort of a no-girlfriend speech with him yesterday, because despite all he says he wants, he isn’t divorced yet and they have a lot on the table to deal with. I don’t know how long all that will take, or how motivated he will be to deal with the heavy stuff. Plus, since he’s on disability… that plays a part with finances, health insurance… etc.

    So, this is what I said… as we have chosen mutual exclusivity (sexual and otherwise) and he has made it plainly clear that he only wants to be with me.

    This is what I came up with…. I don’t mind a critique, but I feel good about this and where we are, so please no tearing me to shreds. Regardless of whether or not we end up getting married, this feels like really good practice to me too, and it has been such a long time since I was in a loving relationship, this feels like food for my soul. I want this.

    “Sweetheart, I have something I want to say, and I don’t want this to feel like an ultimatum. I really love what we have, and haven’t felt this cared about in a long time. I feel excited for the future we’ve discussed, but the truth is that I am ready for that future and you still have a lot to deal with. I really don’t want to be a girlfriend, I’m looking for a lifelong relationship. I feel comfortable giving you some time to deal with all this, as I know how long it took for legal matters to get settled in my divorce. But I don’t feel comfortable staying committed to an exclusive relationship if after that amount of time, things have not changed.”

    He said he completely understood, he will take care of what needs done, and in less time than I said.

    I told him that I felt ok about all this, because the alternative would be for me to say that I’m ready for more than he can offer me, and when he gets things settled, to look me up. But right now, I don’t want to say that. I did also share with him that his financial situation would have to improve for me to want to get married, as I could not, nor would I wish to, support a man. Of course he said he understood. Right now, he receives disability insurance from his job. He’s waiting to find out if he will get disability social security income. Once that is determined, he will be able to also work part time, and I could be ok with that amount of money from a partner. He does hope to return to work full time, but he goes to therapy and doctor’s so often now, that between that and his medication which makes him tired, he’s limited.

    We share a lot of the same dreams, including living near the water, travel, and both love to write. He’s very social and is clicking well with my kids and my family. His mom loves me and said she always wanted a daughter in law like me who wanted to spend time with her. It’s funny, they both keep saying how comfortable they are with me. I thought that was a nice compliment. He touches me constantly, and not always in a sexual way, but holding hands, touching my face, plays with my hair, gives me a hug… but mainly he likes to touch my skin. It feels like staying connected energetically that way… we talk about everything and he’s so romantic and sweet. It’s such a good lesson for me too. To not judge a person by their appearance. He’s cute, don’t get me wrong, short hair, gorgeous blue eyes… but the piercings and tattoos….. really threw me in the beginning. I’ve never had a man treat me like this before. I actually FEEL cherished and adored. It’s not just what he says, but how he acts. It’s almost how could I help but fall in love with someone who loves me like this?

  193.  #193Mel on January 15, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Hi Frannie,

    Have you also been trying to express some positive feeling messages? Perhaps, although you are using FMs, the overall “feeling” being expressed is one of discontent.

    If he is a good man, surely there are lots of positive things that could be said to help balance things out a little. Appreciation goes a long way.

  194.  #194Starla on January 15, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    ooh mel 191 really good point!

  195.  #195BeLoved on January 15, 2013 at 1:35 pm


    Frannie, you may not be doing anything wrong.
    He may simply be showing you who he is and what he is capable of offering, and it’s up for you to decide whether it works for you or not!

  196.  #196Starla on January 15, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    95% of my feeling messages are about how great he makes me feel

    so you can imagine that 95% of the time he is doing and saying wonderful things to me, to inspire me to tell him how great he is:P

  197.  #197Mel on January 15, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    And if you’re having trouble thinking of positive FMs about HIM, even just saying positive FMs about other STUFF in general is helpful. Because, I know, when things feel BAD, it’s hard to notice the good stuff.

    Ooooh, this breeze feels so ticklish on my skin!
    That movie made me feel so giddy!
    Aaah! putting my feet up after a long day feels sooooo good!

    It’s all good practice. 🙂

  198.  #198Mel on January 15, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Awwww, Starla! I feel so smile reading your updates. 😀

  199.  #199Mel on January 15, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Sounds good Turquoise! You’re rocking this!

  200.  #200Starla on January 15, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    turquoise, i am really happy for you:)

    he does sound great. and we’ve seen other sirens here fall in love with men who were sick or had disabilities, and then lose them to death, and realize that their reticence about their men not being big bread winners due to illness/disability was just petty, you know?

  201.  #201Turquoise on January 15, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    FW…. I know you liked my texts from SH before, so thought I’d share some recent ones. These are from Friday night, after we went to the bonfire with my kids and his family. We’d seen my mom and one of my sisters and her husband earlier in the night. On Sunday he told me he loved me in person.

    SH: I know I said it on the phone, but I really need you to know that I’m I’m falling hard for you…. really hard.

    Me: Gulp…. 🙂 Gives me chills when you say that.

    SH: It’s the truth!

    Me: In a wonderful way of course!

    SH: Definitely a wonderful way!

    Me: There isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be, than with you.

    SH: I just really want you to know how I feel and I just need to express it to you. I love every moment we’re together and I hate saying goodbye to you. I’m getting attached to the kids and I can’t wait until the next time I see you. I’m feeling very emotional tonight. Not in a bad way, but in a very good way!

    Me: SH, I feel the same way. I’m so happy to be with you. My girls really like you, I can see how easily you’ll fit in with my family. This could be amazing! I’m glad you are so open about your feelings. You make me feel adored.

    SH: Wow, I almost don’t know what to say, You make me feel so special that it makes me speechless. My feelings for you are strong. I hope that doesn’t scare you.

    Me: Can’t you tell that I feel the same way?

    SH: I can and I love it! I could still be kissing you. It was really hard to leave you this evening. I can feel you in my heart….

    Me: What’s it feel like?

    SH: I yearning right in the center of my chest. It feels like…. I’m having trouble finding the right words!

    Me: You are always quite poetic 🙂

    SH: You are so beautiful!

    and it goes on and on, every day. He told me I enable him to be his best self. He repeats that I make him feel like a man. That he’s never ever had this kind of communication where we talk about our feelings. He thought he’d never find love again, but be on his own throughout life. He sends me song lyrics, tells me I’m beautiful, perfect the way I am, he wouldn’t change a thing. It’s amazing to feel cherished like this. I feel like liquid gold runs through my body…. I feel warm and smiley and content. I also feel content that life will get better for him, and we will be able to have the future we are planning.

    My only concern, since I haven’t met the kids yet, is that they could hate me and then this just won’t work. I keep thinking back to siren angel and so I feel cautious.

  202.  #202Starla on January 15, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    turquoise (cont.),
    but i do like that you let him know you’d like him to get all that crxp in order. you deserve at least that of any man who is capable of it!

  203.  #203Starla on January 15, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    turquoise, they’re not gonna hate you, babe! i wish you wouldn’t even think like that! (((((((turquoise)))))))

  204.  #204Sha-sha on January 15, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    Hi Rori&ladies!! I have a question for u I wanna purchase rori’s material but I’m so confused on wht program I should start with????

  205.  #205Starla on January 15, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    lol enough of my spamming turquoise on the board.. turquoise, i sent you a FB message to your siren account. 🙂

  206.  #206Turquoise on January 15, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    lol… thanks Starla!!! I do deserve that, and I know personally I can put off dealing with the hard stuff, so maybe it was a projection of my own worries, on how I’d handle/did handle it… but It felt really good to put it out there. As, I’m here and understanding and want this, but I know what I want in my future, and I won’t wait around forever for you to be ready too.

    Thanks Mel. 🙂 It’s crazy. I was really ready to give up, just date. Give up the notion of forever… and then he showed up.

    Also, I do want to share that he really feels the man should take care of the woman, he should pay, he should drive, take care of the house, work, all the traditional stuff. But with his health, he can’t do that right now. Hopefully he will be driving again in a few weeks, that will make life MUCH easier. But, he’s worth it. How he makes me feel, makes it worth driving the 10 miles to see him. 🙂 We have both paid for dates, but mostly we have tried to be creative and keep them reasonable or even free… and it works great for us. He hates that I ever pay for anything, so I told him when his situation is better he can spoil me, do all the driving, pay for everything… but in the meantime, I can contribute. He’s shoveled my steps, worked for a few hours this weekend taking down my lights, my trees, decorations, moving stuff for me, and he’s constantly rubbing my feet, shoulders, back, etc. He’d do whatever he could to make me happy.

  207.  #207Turquoise on January 15, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    Thanks Starla!!! I’ll get back to you sweetie! 🙂

  208.  #208Starla on January 15, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    i looove men who constantly touch you in a nonsexual and non-needy way. like your body is a magnet.

  209.  #209Starla on January 15, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    turquoise, some visualization sessions of your own might help take the edge off too! you could imagine meeting the kids, and having them just act awful, but you and your man are unaffected. and then you can imagine meeting the kids and having them love you, etc. Just all possibilities, the outcome always being that everything is a-ok with you and your man:)

  210.  #210Smile on January 15, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Not had time to read back but off to bed now.

    I messaged my 4 other guys who wanted to meet up. They all sent me there numbers lol, and liked me even more for my ‘rare’ honesty. I gave my number back and said I didn’t feel great to chase guys and said I would feel happy to hear from them and gave them my number. So now they are texting. I feel no pressure to meet up right now but I have well and truly left my options open for that to happen.

    I’ve never dated before and it felt so intense. I am just proud of the fact I am dating again now, babysteps, yey me, even if I’m not doing exactly what rori suggests, I’m feeling great and doing the best I can. Maybe in a few months I’ll have progressed a few more babysteps. Love my journey 🙂

  211.  #211Annie on January 15, 2013 at 2:10 pm


    “To me it looked grotesque. I don’t know if this is a judgment or just an observation.”

    To notice someone someone has had surgery is an observation to say they look grotesque is a judgment.
    If we judge others we are judging ourselves even more harshly.
    And the payoff for judging others is we get to momentarily feel better about ourselves.

    I totally get that you feel freaked out by this sometimes.
    I feel that too sometimes, our feelings there and no judgment.
    For me if I sink into these feelings it is because it is like a clown or a mask, doll, just something not real.
    Pretending and it makes me feel unsafe.
    I don’t know what comes up for you Tam if you sink into your feelings around this.

    Each person will have their own reasons and their own story why they feel the surgery was best for them and if they feel good about it, they feel good about it. I am with you though that I do not always feel comfortable around it and it feels difficult not to judge and make judgmental comments.
    It feels better to me when I am able to look deeper that the surface level outer shell and find out what is on the inside.

    After the first few minutes their looks becomes irrelevant if I feel good around what is on the inside.

    Reckon we all observe and makes instantaneous judgments, it’s what we have been conditioned to do. Feels great to me though when I am in the place of being able to to catch myself doing this and let those fleeting moments go and feel open to getting to know the real person.

  212.  #212kdr on January 15, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    Interesting article in New York Times online titled “The End of Courtship?” (with the question mark, thank G*d). Here is the link:


    Sounds like young women in their early to mid-twenties are having the most frustrating time of it, and the men of that age are mostly just clueless. No one taught them relationship or courtship skills.

    I was heartened by a quote at the end of the artilce from a 29 year old woman: “For her, the old traditions are alive simply because she refuses to put up with anything less. She generally refuses to go on any date that is not set up a week in advance, involving a degree of forethought.

    “If he really wants you,” Ms. Yeoh, 29, said, “he has to put in some effort.” “

  213.  #213Annie on January 15, 2013 at 2:21 pm


    If it is working for you and you feel happy, loved cared for in and out of his presence and have the relationship you want that’s all that matters.

  214.  #214Frannie on January 15, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    Starla & Mel – thanks so much for your responses.

    Here are some examples of things that he’s taking personally. When we were first together, he used to text me during lunch, just to say hi. I always told him that it felt so nice/great to hear from him. He hasn’t texted me at lunch (or on his way home for that matter) in a while. Last week I told him that I felt sad that I wasn’t hearing from him during the day anymore. I also told him that I felt like I needed more romance in the relationship (can’t remember my exact words).

    He is 5 years younger then me, so I’m wondering if it’s his maturity level that is making him take things so personally, or if he’s just extra sensitive. I am a Cancer, and am definitely extra sensitive, but he is even more so then I am. He told me that I made him feel like a loser and feel like shit – which was obviously not my intention.

    I do use positive feeling messages too, for example, when he rubs my back I tell him how good I feel. When he makes dinner for me & my son, I always tell him how great it makes me feel. I also tell him often that he makes me feel happy and relaxed and safe, etc.

    My intention was to let him know how great I feel when we are together, but that there are things that I need from a relationship as well. Sometimes I wonder if he just doesn’t “get it”…meaning, I’m trying to give him tips to make our relationship better, and he’s thinking that I don’t like things the way they are. I feel like everything is backfiring…

    Please help!

  215.  #215Linda on January 15, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    ooooh Starla (206)

    Yes yes yes… FavoriteCD is like this. I feel like a magnet and then when he reaches out for me or leans in to brush his face against my cheek…or lightly kiss my lips or top of my head… my magnetic self feels melty and glowing all at the same time.

  216.  #216Linda on January 15, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    Indigo… thank you.. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and say “you go girl” Sometimes I feel like it will all poof tomorrow…. I have to yell down my negative voice that tells me that he does not mean anything for “real”… SOmetimes I feel confident and peaceful and these are all things I feel by myself. HA! can you say all over the place…

    WHen I am with him…. I just am open and receive and he keeps showing up. yum!!!

  217.  #217Dominique on January 15, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    janie baby – 186 – yes, yes, yes. wonderful awareness here.


  218.  #218Femininewoman on January 15, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    Turquoise the kids could never hate you is what I believe. They pick up on vibe very quickly and easier than most adults.

    Just one thing I would change in the texting…….

    Me: What’s it feel like?

    I understand it was tempting after he said I can feel you in my heart but I understand that for most of us, especially men it is hard to put words to our feelings. He even said it ” It feels like…. I’m having trouble finding the right words!” I would say to try to believe and trust him when he says that. Remember it is a dance. He might not be quite sure but once you feel this way I believe you can follow his lead. Questioning might unconsciously communicate disrespect or distrust to him. Maybe he feels like he is carrying you around in his spirit. It reminds me of the words I heard the guy tell the girl in Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Mad Black Woman.

    Maybe suggest that you can imagine what it feels like and that you know what it feels like because you feel the same way too.

  219.  #219Marian on January 15, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    Hi Girls.

    It’s been over 4 months since my boyfriend dumped me (well he said something about needing time alone and stuff) It’s been really HARD for me.

    I looked for him a month ago, a thought I was ready, big mistake, we see ourselves couple of times, kiss each other, have a great time. After a GREAT weekend together (lots of sex involved), I told him I wanted to get back with him, he said he didn’t want that, he was good alone, he liked alone, but he loved me so, so, so much, and liked soooo much to spend time with me, and enjoyed my company, so it wasn’t a good bye!

    Next week I found out he was having an absolute wonderful weekend with another girl (OUCH!) -insert some social network drama here-

    I’m out of ideas to get over him, somehow I think I’m still waiting him to return (after all!!)

    What shall I do? How do I regain confidence? How do I let him go!! He was my first real relationship ever, and I know now I’m gonna be okay, I’m okay… It just doesn’t feel that way.

    I’ve embraced my feelings, I’ve repeated it to myself, feeling sad, angry, hopeless, tired IS fine, It’s part of the process! But I just wish it to end NOW, I wan’t to really, really stop carrying him in my daily life, which is awesome, but somehow feels wrong without him.

    Any great ideas? Thanks for reading btw!

  220.  #220Tam on January 15, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    Annie, are you trying to convince me again that my words mean what you think they mean?
    Because that’s a lot of rambling about my perceived feelings/judgments about something – and with all due respect how would you know how something looked and felt to me if you weren’t even there, and secondly you are not in my mind, right?
    It feels very bad for me to see people mutilate their body – especially when it goes wrong, as it often does. It’s not a judgement – it’s actually feeling weird to see. I cringe. It feels sad. To me. Maybe other people just laugh because to them it looks funny. So what?
    Like I find it weird and bad to see when someone has only rotten stumps of teeth in their mouth…I don’t judge them by it, but it feels weird and sad to see and I feel bad for the person….ermmm…
    Perhaps it doesn’t feel like that to you maybe but then I wouldn’t assume I would know…so what is your point?
    Cause it’s lost on me, honestly speaking…and actually now I have written all that I realise that I don’t even care…and now I feel amused by myself 🙂

  221.  #221Femininewoman on January 15, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    Turq it reminds me of Gay Hendricks story. He wanted to move forward with Katie because of how he was feeling with her. It motivated him to sign everything over to his, even give up what he wanted so he could move forward. The story has really inspired me because he said he believe because he did that he was able to get his energy back to focus on creating the future he wanted and it has brought in multiplicities of abundance.

  222.  #222Starla on January 15, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    kdr, that article is interesting. i’m a 20-something. i do think that the article is waaaay too exaggerated. “date might as well be removed from the dictionary.”

    i’ve always been properly courted. and when i wasn’t, if i spoke up saying i would prefer a real date, the man immediately did this:)

  223.  #223Femininewoman on January 15, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    Marian – Hi

    “How do I let him go” is a rhetorical question. If you read your own reads you will see you have nothing to let go. What you need is to let yourself go. Go live your life. What you are doing is dragging yourself backwards clinging to him “in your mind” is what I think.

    Everyone of your feelings are okay. They are your friends. Feel them yes and keep moving forward with your life. You stumbled yes but that does not mean you can’t pick yourself up, clean your bruises and keep walking. You may limp a little but hey…..life is sweet, even with tears in our eyes.

  224.  #224Dominique on January 15, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    Annie – 209 –

    “It feels better to me when I am able to look deeper that the surface level outer shell and find out what is on the inside.

    After the first few minutes their looks becomes irrelevant if I feel good around what is on the inside.”

    Beautiful –


  225.  #225Starla on January 15, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    “I’m trying to give him tips to make our relationship better, and he’s thinking that I don’t like things the way they are.”

    yep, stop doing this!!! no more giving him tips.

    tweaking: “i miss getting your texts in the middle of the day. they always feel like such a nice, quick escape from the hustle and bustle of the day:)”

    see, that’s a compliment for something he did right (even if it was in the past) that leaves it up to HIM if he wants to return to doing it every day.

    “I also told him that I felt like I needed more romance in the relationship”

    this is a broad, confusing sort of thing to say to a man.

    my suggestion is to start romancing yourself more. and when he does ANYTHING right that you like, tell him how good it feels.

    he is sensing a lot of expectation and unmet needs from you, which is pushing him away, instead of inspiring him to step up and treat you better. he needs to know it’s a game he can win. you don’t want to “let” him win, cuz that’s emasculating and no one likes to win cuz someone let them, but you don’t want to throw unnecessary obstacles in the way. your expectations and the way youre expressing them seem to be doing this.

    i really sense that if you leaned back completely and started focusing on bringing romance to yourself from yourself in your life, that things will totally shift.

  226.  #226Marian on January 15, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    Femininewoman … Thank you! Really, really thank you! I almost cry (I’m the teary type) …
    I’ll take this as my mantra for now on “life is sweet, even with tears in our eyes”

    Sometimes I just feel bad about being that emotional, but I suppose this is who I am, and it’s okay. I’ll keep walking.

    Thank you! 🙂

  227.  #227Starla on January 15, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    are you into fitness/health? I got really, really into getting in shape, and that really helped me deal with an unwanted break up. specifically, i got into MMA training 😀

  228.  #228Frannie on January 15, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    In regards to post 212, I forgot to mention that sometimes I feel needy, and extra sensitive as well. Sometimes I feel triggered and need that extra reassurance from him. How do I express that in a way he will understand?

    Thanks ladies!

  229.  #229Linda on January 15, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    Frannie… sometimes people will take everything we say to them negatively. Usually a person with personal self esteem issues will lean that way in my experience at least. I had a person that was like that. I felt like no matter what I said and no matter how I said it he would bark back… or accuse me of being a complainer (when I had clearly not complained at all)… anyway

    When I tell my truths in feeling messages I always start with and try my best to keep it positive.

    Example: ” I really enjoy hearing from you during the day when we are apart. It makes me feel connected and special when I hear my text notification …. (fill in your sentiments and thoughts of course) . I might make it playful and say… feels so good…can I have more?

    Just a suggestion

  230.  #230Heart on January 15, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    aww how lovely FW…I like that

  231.  #231Marian on January 15, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    Starla, I’ve thought bout that, but I don’t have a lot of time for myself and truth to be told I’m yet a bit scared of spending too much time alone, so I prefer dating friends or spending time with family… I guess I need to give it a try?

  232.  #232Starla on January 15, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    “Sometimes I feel triggered and need that extra reassurance from him. How do I express that in a way he will understand?”

    I think he understands this fine. He just doesn’t like it, because right now for him it just feels like another way he fails as a man!

    i would really start with the basics in shifting your perspective and vibe here. start with what we know. so, what do we know? well, first, we know that sometimes you feel sensitive and vulnerable. We also know you need this feeling addressed and cared for when you’re feeling this way. So it’s time to think about how to meet this need FOR YOURSELF, FROM YOURSELF for the time being.

    That alone, as long as it’s not rubbed in his face in a way that says “I’m doing this for myself cuz you fail me,” might be enough to get him stepping up again.

    You’ve made him responsible for your happiness, and he’s feeling like he is doomed to fail with that responsibility. And I don’t blame him, because it’s an impossible endeavor to be responsible for someone else’s happiness.

    of course, i KNOW you know better, and that you don’t want him to be your happiness slave. but somewhere along the way, your vibe started bringing this out in him. or maybe his withdrawl is bringing it out in your vibe! either way, time to switch things up:)

  233.  #233Starla on January 15, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    “I’m yet a bit scared of spending too much time alone”

    join a fitness class:)

  234.  #234Linda on January 15, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    226… Frannie

    I am dealing with this issue myself right now. I love communication and feel it is vital to a health relationship. … however woven in the is my unhealthy self trying to be stroked to.

    I just discovered this in myself today. I got this way from a couple bad prior relationship experences. I just read a comment on communication from one of the posters here (Dominique) it opened my eyes and actually described one of the men I am seeing right now to a tea! Click on here name in this thread and click on communication and the post on uncommunicative men is the one I am referring to.

    hope it helps

  235.  #235Marian on January 15, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    Starla … 🙂 hahaha I’ll do that!

  236.  #236Femininewoman on January 15, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    Marian trust and believe in yourself. Take whatever amount of time that you need. If fitness is not your thing look for something you can feel passionate about doing.

  237.  #237Starla on January 15, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    i did a number of group things, like classes, etc., just cuz i thought maybe a cute guy would be there. and that’s lovely distraction from heartbreak:)

  238.  #238Femininewoman on January 15, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    Tam I love you.

    I feel compelled to suggest “maybe try looking at yourself through the other person’s eyes.” There might be differences of opinions and perspectives but each one is valid and we could possibly learning something from it. Sometimes it is okay to let go of our point of view, no matter what we think.

  239.  #239Annie on January 15, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    I Take my meaning of words from the dictionary.

  240.  #240Heart on January 15, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    gosh this lip conditioner from mac is amazing

    I feel so hungry.
    my appetite is returning.

  241.  #241Rori Raye on January 15, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    Jacklyn, Welcome, and I’ve deleted your last name for your privacy – and this is what comes to me first: 1. Baby, child, motherhood. This is where you put ALL your energy, 100% – and 2. Getting better and stronger physically and emotionally and spiritually and mentally, and giving 100% to yourself to do this! Yeah – 200% – so there’s very little left for ANY man here right now. This one – ABSOLUTELY ZERO!!!!!No energy for him. I’d hang up the phone on any man who walked out on his child. Period. I SWEAR to you – if you focus as I say – and read someone who knows the ropes of single motherhood like Allana Pratt – http://www.allanapratt.com and http://www.loveromancerelationship.com/go/single-mom-manifesto/ – you’ll meet a great man who wants to nurture YOU. You can heal yourself and set a great example for your child. Give up TRYING to be strong, FORGET about this man and your past experience, and get on with your life, enjoying it as much as you can moment by moment. There simply is no other alternative. Love, Rori

  242.  #242Annie on January 15, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    218: Tam says:

    “Annie, are you trying to convince me again that my words mean what you think they mean?”

    Nope I take meaning of words from the dictionary.
    I feel no desire to convince you of anything.
    Everyone is free to take the meaning of words from wherever they chose.

    “Because that’s a lot of rambling about my perceived feelings/judgments about something – and with all due respect how would you know how something looked and felt to me if you weren’t even there, and secondly you are not in my mind, right?”

    Rambling is a judgment.
    I don’t know.
    I am going on what you wrote, your own judgmental thoughts and feelings you wrote.
    It is all I have to go on on here, so feels an impossibility for me to go on anything other than that.
    It is what it is.
    The English language is what it is.

    “It feels very bad for me to see people mutilate their body – especially when it goes wrong, as it often does. It’s not a judgement – it’s actually feeling weird to see. I cringe. It feels sad. To me.
    Yep bad and sad are feelings. TY for sharing them.
    Grotesque which is what you said previously was a judgmental thought. Just as your use of the word rambling aimed at me was and is a judgmental thought. It is what is is.

    “Maybe other people just laugh because to them it looks funny. So what?”


    “Like I find it weird and bad to see when someone has only rotten stumps of teeth in their mouth…I don’t judge them by it, but it feels weird and sad to see and I feel bad for the person….ermmm…
    Perhaps it doesn’t feel like that to you maybe but then I wouldn’t assume I would know…so what is your point?.

    I was expressing my feelings.
    And clarifying the difference between a judgmental thought, an observation and a feeling.

    “Cause it’s lost on me, honestly speaking…and actually now I have written all that I realise that I don’t even care…and now I feel amused by myself :)”

    🙂 well feel pleased you do now do not even care and feel amused.

  243.  #243Heart on January 15, 2013 at 3:38 pm


    I have a grumbly feeling in my stomach
    I love my grumbly feeling
    I wonder….
    what do I feed myself…

  244.  #244Annie on January 15, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    Cont and expressing what that post brought up for me.
    How it made me feel.

  245.  #245Heart on January 15, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    I feel warm
    I feel sleepy & well-rested at the same time…

  246.  #246Annie on January 15, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    I felt deeply saddened when I read Jaclyns post.
    And then felt uplifted, lighter and better to read Roris reply.

    Hugs Jaclyn, wishing you all the best on your journey towards a happier better future with a much better man for you. X

  247.  #247Turquoise on January 15, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    Thanks FW. I talked to him after work about my concerns and he assured me that he feels very positive about this and that maybe since everything has been so easy, I’m waiting for the other show to drop. I told him I trusted him, and will think positively. Starla, I love the visualization exercises, definitely great idea!

  248.  #248Turquoise on January 15, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    Shoe not show

  249.  #249Tam on January 15, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    Thank you FW! I love you too!!
    I feel soppy now 🙂

  250.  #250Turquoise on January 15, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    Thanks Annie. I do feel good about where we are and how we treat each other. I do have plans for a girls night out this weekend and a family event the following weekend. So, not dating other men, but seeing family and friends. Also going for a hair cut 🙂

  251.  #251Starla on January 15, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    psssshhhh i love you both.

    i love you ALL




  252.  #252Tam on January 15, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    I do try to look at things through other peoples eyes and challenge myself all the time. I speak to the homeless, frequently…actually, they have the best stories (and local knowledge lol). I also fraternised with eminent professors from the worlds best Universities. I love variety.
    I love people. I love messy stuff, clean stuff.
    My friends are mostly eccentrics, such as the Vietnam veteran with OCD….or the guy with medication for anger issues, the couple that adopted mentally challenged kids etc etc.
    I love seeing different perspectives, trying to understand them.
    I don’t like it when my words are analyzed and picked like the meat off a chicken carcass – all words are in a dictionary but I am not. I am a living, breathing person with passion and love – and I feel so sad when someone limits my feelings, or perceives them, as something objective on the page of a book.
    Life is not a word on a page of a book. Not my life, anyway. Many more facets.

  253.  #253Turquoise on January 15, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    Heart…what did you decide to eat? I had pasta with meat sauce. It was yummy!

  254.  #254Tam on January 15, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    words in the dictionary, ah if only life was that easy.
    Whenever I say to Curly “I need more time to think about this’, he thinks it’s a dumping because
    ‘that’s what women say when they dump me’

    Words in the dictionary. Guess I could tell him to look us words in the dictionary for their meaning?

    It would simplify all our lives….and don’t get me started on the difference between British English and American English, where the same word can mean two completely different things.

    ‘do you mind’ can mean ‘get lost’.
    so which dictionary do we go by?

    Do we need a dictionary to understand a man?
    Or can we learn to listen to the intonation and ask if we are not sure rather than jump to conclusion, negative ones at that?
    What do you think?
    I am not good at it, but I would like to learn, rather than jumping to conclusions coming from my NV’s.

  255.  #255Starla on January 15, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    tam, you remind me a bit of Lady Ashleigh in Hemingway’s “The Sun Also Rises”

    FW reminds me of her a bit too, but for different reasons:)

  256.  #256Tam on January 15, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    Jaclyn….oh…I don’t know what to say just that I feel so sad reading your story. And I know you will find a great guy, but yes….your baby and you are number 1. Always. Always, always, always.
    And dare I say it? Making your baby and you number one at all times is the only way to find that great man!!

    OMG there are some toxic men out there…hrmpf.

  257.  #257Tam on January 15, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    Starla, I feel intrigued..who is this character?
    I hope someone good, noble and beautiful!! (or else!!)

  258.  #258Tam on January 15, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    ‘or else’ I will come and kick you in the shin and pull your hair…mwahahahaha

  259.  #259Tam on January 15, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    ‘promiscuous divorcee’ – Starla, Starla, are you padding your shin? If not you should be 😉

  260.  #260Tam on January 15, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    In other news, Curly got a beating today….and he got one yesterday but that wasn’t my fault but probably his own.
    I told him in no uncertain terms that in order to be in my life, if he wants to be, he needs to get his shit in order.
    He still wants to explain to me what let to yesterdays’s debacle…but I am not all that interested.
    All I know is that I felt bad and was really worried about him (for a good reason) and my fears turned out to be true. And I am not going there again.
    Not for him or anyone.
    I love my non-dramatic life, with all the good stuff in it and if, rather than adding to it, he is causing me misery or to feel bad, then he has to go. As simple as that. He was huffing and puffing ‘feeling insulted and hurt’ and getting angry. Well, so be it.
    I felt bad and I want to feel good. His job is to make me feel good, so he said. And actions speak louder than words.
    Thank you for the lesson MrP, thank you for the lesson Curly….
    onwards and upwards.

  261.  #261Heart on January 15, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    Turquoise …nothing yet…I’ve been waiting to get really really hungry…Sometimes the flu tricks you.

  262.  #262Tam on January 15, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    ‘led’ – urgh, now my typos are triggering me. I can spell. Honest. I just can’t type.

  263.  #263Tam on January 15, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    I am spamming now and it feels fabulous.
    I feel mystified how it is that so far I had men, mainly, that weren’t very good at relationship but really good at life….as in making money, doing the right stuff, having nice friends, nice hobbies, no drinks and or drugs etc.
    Now I found someone who is fab at relationship but totally and utterly useless at this thing called ‘life’ and staying out of trouble, most of it not even his own making – even worse.
    Dear Universe. I do not need perfection, really, but I would like a guy who is, kind of in-between….or let’s say good at relationship and at ‘life’.
    How about that??
    Thank you!!
    I am waiting!! 🙂

  264.  #264Heart on January 15, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    lol….Tam & the Restless

  265.  #265Tam on January 15, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    Heart, ha ha!! 😉
    The restless and me…
    You’re funny.

  266.  #266Tam on January 15, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    More like the ‘lawless’ at this point lol

  267.  #267Heart on January 15, 2013 at 4:58 pm


  268.  #268Leah on January 15, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    NYTimes has an article about what dating is like these days with texting, facebook, google, and women making more money.


  269.  #269Annie on January 15, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    In order to get what I want I now know the universe expects me to take loving action in order to get and create the life I want. Wanting it alone is not enough.
    And in order to say yes to what i do want, first I have to be able to say no and reject and walk away from what I don’t want.

  270.  #270k2012 on January 15, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    Wow, this post could not have come at a better time. Overseas Cd is planning (not sure though) on visiting our country in the summer. There might be a batch reunion as well. I was just thinking if he comes that I would not be staying in the same room as him in the hotel as I don’t want us to sleep together too quickly. He has to wait. And when I came on here, I saw this post by Rori. How timely.

  271.  #271k2012 on January 15, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    “And actions speak louder than words.” That’s my tag line for any man who wants to step up to the plate. When I see your actions start match ur words, then I know u are the one.

  272.  #272Annie on January 15, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    Tam, it is what it is. I don’t want to be a punching bag so feels best to now disengage.

  273.  #273Annie on January 15, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    270: k2012 says:

    “And actions speak louder than words.” “That’s my tag line for any man who wants to step up to the plate. When I see your actions start match ur words, then I know u are the one.”

    I love this.
    Me to K2012.

  274.  #274Tam on January 15, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    271 Annie, eh?????
    Jeez, I feel bored with this now.

  275.  #275LoveAlways on January 15, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Hi sirens!

    I’ve been journaling lately and am worded out by the time I log on. I guess I’ve been ghosting and pushing positive vibes your way. I just felt so moved by this article. I enjoyed s3x pre-siren, but now it’s off the charts because it’s all about me. And that’s my take on when to have s3x . . . it has to be all about me and that I am feeling fabulously goddessly melty in his arms . . . and that is how I feel each time I feel it’s right now.

  276.  #276Tam on January 15, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    you’re continually trying to interpret my words, thoughts and feelings ‘your way’, which is negative, at least it feels that way to me….and when I speak up about it you pull in your tail and say I am attacking you or using you as a punchbag…I mean, really!! Ridiculous, annoying…pick someone else’s words apart negatively..I feel bored with it now…and angry.

  277.  #277Annie on January 15, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    I am listening and watching carefully K2012.
    And when I really want to know what someone wants it feels best to me to stop listening and watch.
    Then I will Know.
    Although TBH when I do this I already know and doing this just confirms what I know deep down already.
    Sometimes reality feels very painful though.
    Right next to pain in joy though so that is what I want next.

  278.  #278Annie on January 15, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    I love this song.
    zippety do da zippety day my oh my what a wonderful day. Plenty of sunshine coming my way zippety do dah zippety day.

  279.  #279LoveAlways on January 15, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    I feel so warm and soft receiving love

  280.  #280Heart on January 15, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    Shad up lovealways

  281.  #281LoveAlways on January 15, 2013 at 6:49 pm

    This article by Rori reminds me that there is so much more to feel and receive after s3x

  282.  #282Heart on January 15, 2013 at 6:49 pm


    sorry sorry lovealways

    Just felt like being Zany 😀
    *sends butterflies

  283.  #283Natalina on January 15, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    Smile- about your question about bringing up how you are seeing other people, I can tell it is really weighing on you wanting to do right by him. – but at the same time, isnt that the same place we get hung up in alot with the fellas? if you know what you are looking for, you can state that directly, (the not looking to be a girlfriend speech) I was actually seeing several other guys when my now husband then cd relationship came about. it just seems that you are putting a lot out there in the worry department in his sake than you are in just being a female that he wants to keep for his own. –the media/dating sites/personals really dont lend to listening to the concept of CD- but when you approach it from a “this is what I want, what do you think” type of atmosphere, you never need to worry about the WHAT IF HE THINKS we are exclusive, if you dont know… that should be a pretty good sign he isnt thinking much about it. to me making a point of telling someone they could be replaced sends a lot of different energy than just absorbing the wonderful vibes you are and will put off because you continue to fill yourself with other beautiful men/ocnversations etc. let him be the man.

    good luck 😉

  284.  #284LoveAlways on January 15, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    High Five Heart 🙂

  285.  #285LoveAlways on January 15, 2013 at 6:51 pm


    LOL 🙂

  286.  #286Heart on January 15, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    🙂 lovealways

  287.  #287LoveAlways on January 15, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Siren’s night

    Lights out
    footless tights
    favorite tee shirt
    comfy robe
    relaxation alone
    . . . unwinding

    This feels good

  288.  #288Silver-Tongued Siren on January 15, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    MILW has demanded we “take a break”/or “break up”, – I have left our house for now. He has said so many things in the last several weeks, spanning the spectrum .. all over the board. “i can see myself growing old with you”, “we need to take a break for a year” “we will still see each other romantically after you leave”, “we need to take a break for at least a month” (meaning very little/no contact I believe)..

    He has been very up and down in recent few months, and has been very irrational and harsh during this time. (of course many days completely loving and as though nothing ever happened..) All part of personality disorder/trauma issues I have begun to suspect, and it has all started to make sense.

    my head feels like it’s spinning. I have no resources, have left our home with no real place to go. I am staying somewhere for a couple wks, then another friends house I hope for a bit. Uncertain of how I will secure a place with current circumstances but I am letting God worry about that. things are all falling into place.

    In addition to being forced out of our home, with a small child, no resources and no help, I have had several deaths of those close to me within the last several weeks as well and just finished a custody case with one of my children.

    feeling stressed, kinda numb, kind of scattered.

    have been up and down myself, feeling alternately stressed, sad, and faithful.

    I just want to go home, and so does our little guy. I can’t help myself, sometimes I have been texting MILW, how unhappy I am, how I want to go home, just be with our family, together, ..

    even tho the last few months have been so ..walking on eggshells wondering whether the real MILW is present today..

    when I am more well rested, well fed, and feeling better it is easier, but that’s hard to get, while I am alone with a small child, no help at all, who is very unhappy and clingy now, .. etc.

    I feel like I make things worse when I tell MILW how much I want to be home and love him (even when it’s in response to something he has said, since it is longer and more deep than what he’s sent me, and wanting him more than he’s wanting me right now).

    he wants me in his life, but I refuse to let him have his cake and eat it too, even if its because of a personality disorder, so I am learning techniques to deal with personality disorders – which are helping immensel when I can do them – and I’ve said NO to “just friends”.

    he WILL continuously remain in contact with me.
    I know he will try to see the baby sooner or later (has mentioned it twice now but no action yet).
    He hasn’t really called me in the last several days since I’ve really been out of the house, but has talked to baby and has texted me a couple of times.

    Yesterday he texted me a silly sweet “pick up line”, “are you tired? you must be because you’ve been running thru my head all day”…

    I didn’t know what to say – so I responded approvingly, saying that it was cute and i felt all melty hearing that after all these years..which is true, but..
    it felt like he was missing me and threw that out there just to keep me hanging on. He has been out all wknd, no invite to me, and you know, he just forced me out of our home!

    Today I texted him too much though.

    He obviously has issues he has to address, and I obviously have not done well enough with leaning back, with him, or we would not be in this situation in the first place. I have done way too much for him in the past and rewarded his bad behavior.

    NOW, what do I do to CUT this pattern? This yo-yo behavior, getting close/pushing away, feeling controlled/acting out, pushing away/being all over me if i leave… all personality disorder type behaviors.. but can be handled.

    He always comes back, but this time he has to work harder.

    My question is what should I require of him in order to have the pleasure of my company or contact?

    I feel “no contact” doesn’t really allow him to remain attached to me.. I feel that the “third way” is best, but that feels like a lot of work – and I don’t really want to be with him unless he is ONLY with me, not seeing anyone else. He originally said we would still see each other after I left, now he says we have to “be friends first” and if i refuse to be “just friends” then nothing, because we have to “be friends before we can be lovers”, lol which is irrelevant at this point after we have been together several years. I will NOT be “just friends” – I suggested if that were something that concerned him, we could be in a romantic context and just not have sex. He said no that wouldn’t work for him. .. haha. hahahahaha.

    Truly, all I have to do is want this less than he does. My sweetheart truly has some issues and I really also think he is insecure. All the things that he does not appear to be, but may be underneath it all. I love him immensely. I am prepared to deal with his faults, as I have accepted him from day one, but now I have to do it in a way that empowers me. I love him the way he is and will go through this with him, but on my terms now.

    ***So what do you all think I should require for him to be allowed to talk to me/spend time with me?
    To communicate his seriousness about our family, to only see me, to delete anyone he has had sex with??…. To see me on the weekends (as recently he has gone out on wknds, without me, then moved to not spending wknds with me at all – then spends weekdays.) I want things back the way they were – when we go out on wknds (and weekdays) TOGETHER, or do things we can do with baby, brunches, friends over, connect with each other.

    ***How do I communicate my requirements? (bipolar/etc tend to view a lot of things as “being controlled”.. often sharing feelings can be taken this way, or stating requirements.. basically boundaries – boundaries will be broken to reassert their control over themselves – sometimes. And this is the only time I’ve ever had trouble with him- is when his perception is that he is being controlled by one of the above things, – then he has acted out unacceptably.

    ***How do I respond to his current communications? : his texts, (especially since he so far insists we have no romantic rlsp and is seeing other people), phone calls to talk to me or baby, his requests to spend time with baby?

    this has felt complex in the last few months, but my new understanding of what’s going on, learning techniques to deal with spouse with personality disorder have really been helping to get a handle on the situation, just wish it happened earlier. Now to lean back and handle his contact appropriately..

  289.  #289Elsie on January 15, 2013 at 10:52 pm


    I feel fussy.

    Today was ok I guess. I communicated to him at work that I didnt like what was going on at work really because it meant that after the move I might sit in some place where he and I dont talk as often etc. This is a HUGE deal to me – HUGE. Plus I liked the fact that I’m feeling nostalgic about leaving this office, because we had so many good talks there etc. He thought I was being silly, but was nice about it.

    Well, the rest of the day was fine and flirty. And then we had said that I might see him tonight. And for a bunch of reasons (not important) he knew that I really did want to see him tonight. So, we texted off and on and then (as per usual) the conversation just sort of ended. It didnt end on a bad note or anything, just sort of ended on a mundane housekeeping note.

    I’m fussy. I dont like the fact that the subject wasnt broached. I dont like that he didnt come over to spend time with me. I’m fussy, because it would have felt nice to spend time with him.

    Thoughts? Opinions? What do I say? Tomorrow will be just another day for him. There is no way he would think that this would have ever upset me. He is just very ISTP and very sort of unaware – he doesnt “feel” as deeply as me – more practical. Etc. We just had a huge talk and he told me today that basically he has really no objects that he holds an emotional attachment to – things must have some sort of utilitarian value. Total opposite of me – I am so emotional – and love to be sentimental and completely have attachments to things due to emotional reasons.

    Anyway – he would not like it if I were upset – I know that – but he wouldnt think that the fact that he was doing laundry for his children and not coming over was a big deal either.

    I dont mind, its just that I would like to have the conversation about it. I guess I need some sort of script that says “Hey, when we are texting, and there is a chance of you coming over I need that clarified so that I can not feel anxious or weird, etc.” How do I say that?

  290.  #290Annie on January 16, 2013 at 1:24 am

    Silver-Tongued Siren says:
    ” I have no resources, have left our home with no real place to go.”

    I feel really sad reading that.
    Who own’s the house?
    Are you married?

  291.  #291Rebecca on January 16, 2013 at 1:37 am

    Aaawww sirens

    I am working in a new place and I feel really over whelmed and challenged – and like I want to curl up in a ball and / or run away….

    Lol… Everyone here seems so cool anf confident and “good” at everything they do. They are all competent and intelligent etc. I don’t feel like I belong here.

    Feeling “not good enough”. I *need* to love this part of me. Butterflies in my stomach and tension and stiffness in my back..

  292.  #292Annie on January 16, 2013 at 2:14 am

    Rebecca there is a theory that to feel good we need to feel balanced, not over or under stimulated.

    So feeling overwhelmed would be overstimulated.
    What stimulus are you are to able to reduce.
    Noice? Visual? Etc. Which one feels more triggering?
    What would you like stimulus would it feel best for you to get rid of first to get some balance back?

  293.  #293GlowStix on January 16, 2013 at 2:28 am


    Dominique and annie…

    I am still legally married after 3 years of separation. Sometimes, as time goes by, it just gets easier and easier to procrastinate, and feel complacent. The law states that we have to be separated for a full year before we divorce here. After a year of not seeing someone in person, at all…Then 2 years…Then 3 years…And all of a sudden it makes your stomach churn to think of seeing them, even though they have stayed in touch.

    This is on my mind right now as my ex invited me for food and drinks on the house at his bar on sat. G and I weren’t having the best of nights and I actually felt tempted to go, for the he11 of it. Again…I didn’t go. The thought of seeing him
    feels so…mehhhhhhhhh, no thanks. Yet, I want my divorce and I need to see him again, for that.

    There are infinite perspectives.

  294.  #294GlowStix on January 16, 2013 at 2:30 am

    I could have had the divorce right away, yet neither of us was willing to contest, and go through that.

  295.  #295Indigo on January 16, 2013 at 3:14 am


    Can I just say, I thought your advice to Frannie was pure genius. Insightful woman 🙂

  296.  #296Indigo on January 16, 2013 at 3:24 am

    Tam 252

    Me too. I feel like this is why sometimes trying to convey meaning over text is frustrating. I am also very triggered over my words being analysed or misunderstood.

  297.  #297Indigo on January 16, 2013 at 3:29 am

    Yay! I used Rori’s “shift the gears” tool yesterday and today and D apologised.

    He said the actual word “sorry” and he said “you know I don’t want to hurt you”.

    But, I think, I felt more in charge of me. Not completely, but I didn’t fall to pieces in the face of a hurtful statement like I used to. I recovered and felt more powerful (in a great, gentle way) and took care of myself so much faster.

  298.  #298Indigo on January 16, 2013 at 3:31 am

    His apology was a cause for a tiny celebration for me too 🙂

    I just said “thank you” and then felt my feelings and turned away from him.

  299.  #299k2012 on January 16, 2013 at 4:29 am

    Ladies on here who are circular dating, how many men at a time are u circular dating? I am eager to know. Also for those who start out by chatting online, how long after do u move over to the phone? My situation is slightly different in that overseas cd is NOT A TOTAL stranger. We were basically introduced by alumni and was on my facebook profile LONG before we started this type of interaction. We used to just say hi and he always wish me happy birthday on my profile. One might find that if its a total stranger u might take a little time to switch over into talking on the phone, but if its someone who u were an acquaintance with (physical or online), how long do u take? Waiting for your answers. I need some guidance. Thanks ladies. Annie, thanks for what u said re my tag line. Trust me. Is a serious thing. No joke. We all need to use this tag line.

  300.  #300Tereana on January 16, 2013 at 4:39 am

    So, I am in bed with my ‘new man’…scratch that. He went off to work. But I have a new man, apparently. And I’m living with him. And last night, he was holding me, and he said he was the happiest man in the world. He’s great, and in a weird way (or not in a weird way – just on my own way) I believe he’s exactly what I’ve been looking for.

    The peripherals are a little challenging. his house, his neighborhood. He comes from a different place than I do. And yet his soul is right – I can feel it. even though the stuff on the outside doesn’t look good “on paper” – or in reality even.

    And there’s only one hitch with the relationship so far. I tried explaining this to him and telling him how I felt, and it went totally over his head. But he asks and expects me to do a lot of the “stuff” in the relationship. Whenever we meet, he wants me to decide when & where. He calls me, but he is always saying i van call him, too. Maybe he is just used to women who take care of all the little details. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to or doesn’t know how. But he asked and expected me to take care of all the moving costs – even though he asked me to stay with him. He said he had a key for me, but he never made a copy. Which means I need to, and pay for it. Am I being overly hung up on this stuff? I’m feeling mildly put out that I have to live here in the first place. I loved my old apartment. If I could go back there, I would, in a second. But it was just too expensive. So I feel homeless, but Mr. Man keeps telling me that I’m “home” now.

    I don’t feel it yet….:-/

  301.  #301Daria on January 16, 2013 at 4:39 am

    ALA – – Not to assume sexual exclusivity, and if you want, to bring it up after you’ve had sex at least once, by sayIng that you don’t feel confortable continuing to sleep with a man without it

  302.  #302Daria on January 16, 2013 at 4:40 am

    K2012 – Rori says the idea is to lightly date hundreds of men… Practicing and not getting involved w anyone that doesn’t seriously propose and pursue marriage

  303.  #303Daria on January 16, 2013 at 4:43 am

    Thanks ladies ! Wow I feel glad the reminder post felt cool

  304.  #304Daria on January 16, 2013 at 4:44 am

    Starla – no, I was finding myself judging him so much…

    That’s eased off, yet the kissing is still very tentative… So…

    I’m feeling icky to do it for more than a peck so far

  305.  #305Heart on January 16, 2013 at 4:45 am

    k2012….did you meet him in real life?

  306.  #306Daria on January 16, 2013 at 4:47 am

    Tereana – I would not make my own key copy

    Seriously, I would take not communicating on this as a red flag

    I’d take the time to start expressing my boundaries…. ‘i’m feeling a little unconfortable taking care of this. I’d feel ao much more secure and taken care of to have the guy make me a copy… What do you think? ‘ early

    Can’t be cute w him seems like a red flag

  307.  #307Daria on January 16, 2013 at 4:49 am

    So w Nanny Cd now that I leaned back n started flirting more openly w men on our site he stepped up again tonite.u guess he slacked that I wasn’t giving him enough to do.

    Men really seem happier when I keep them busy and requiring stuff from them

  308.  #308Tam on January 16, 2013 at 4:54 am

    Hm. I feel good actually considering.
    Spent an hour on the phone with Curly last night, we had a big argument as he got into trouble for something, which was a stupid and naive thing to do with one of his properties. Instead of taking the police to be safe, he went with a buddy and the whole thing escalated and anyway, it didn’t end well for him at all.
    I have the feeling I am not getting the full story as it is way too bizarre…and I feel weird, like a clever man like that wouldn’t do anything so stupid…and again that makes me wonder whether I only got half of the story.
    So far he has been brutally honest with me, hence I had a certain amount of trust. Now, I am swimming..and the trust is gone as I am convinced there is shady stuff going on that he is keeping from me. I don’t believe he is so naive, and if he is at age 61, then maybe I don’t want to be with him. I need an intelligent and responsible man and not one with a shady half-life.
    He was angry that I didn’t believe him but actually I didn’t care. I stood my ground and yes, I lashed out. In this case it was totally justified. I felt like mummy slapping a little boy who did something infinitely stupid…and he hated it, being such an alpha.
    In the end I told him that I am scared of the people he associates with, and scared therefore of a life with him. He was sorry to hear that, I know.
    I feel totally turned off.
    He told me that he feels happy that I care so much about him…but it’s not that, it’s just that I ‘knew’ he was in some kind of trouble….and I just never had a guy where I had to worry about that.
    And I don’t want that now.
    I told him to get his shit in order if he wants to be with me.
    Can’t be arsed with all this drama.

  309.  #309Tam on January 16, 2013 at 4:56 am

    I realise how harsh I sound but I am angry and feel hard and harsh right now. I am also fiercely protective of myself and my quiet life. I really do not need anything to upset my equilibrium at all. I am looking for someone to add to my life, not to take away the ‘peace and quiet’ element.
    So he’s on his way out, basically.

  310.  #310Tam on January 16, 2013 at 5:03 am

    Hm. If this had happened to me years ago, I would probably rant and rave at this guy, ask him to change his life, cling onto him like crazy and so on.
    Now I am just like: meh.
    Feels like I have come a long way.
    Yesterday I think MrP wanted to chat with me, the little window popped up and I accidentally clicked it away as I had a computer issue…and at first I was like ‘ooooh…’ and then I felt kind of ‘meh’ about that and thought to myself that if he wants something, he will contact me -and in any case, it’s better if he doesn’t.
    I feel really strong right now, like nobody messes with my peace of mind anymore.

  311.  #311NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 5:34 am

    I wrote a comment to the previous post (442) and I realize that it turned into a small book – sorry about that. To condense it, I have a question to put to you sirens. My main guy, Phillip has been dealing with fear of getting hurt in a relationship. He’s asked for space, and I’m trying to give it to him. “Trying,” because he continues to email and text me. Even when I ask him to stop, he will send me pictures or other silly things, I assume to get me to respond. Some I do and some I don’t. I’m feeling confused and frustrated and infuriated all at once.

    I’m not sure about a) what his motives are, and b) what I should do about his attempts at keeping me close, but not too close.



  312.  #312Tam on January 16, 2013 at 5:49 am

    Hey NewFMom,
    since we can’t know his motives and probably best not to speculate (sounds like he is feeling ambiguous about a relationship with you??), I would concentrate on making myself feel good, treat myself well, put him on the back of my horse and see whether he comes up with the goods, ie whether he starts stepping up.
    In the meantime…CD?
    Speak your truth to him in feeling messages?
    All of this might help?

  313.  #313NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 6:03 am

    Hey Tam – thanks! You’re right, I can’t know his motives, except for what he tells me, which may or may not be his true motives.

    Having said that, I have been trying to lean back, but when he texts/emails, I’m not sure whether I should respond or not. For now, I respond to some, but not all.

    I know he is feeling confused about our relationship. He tells me that he loves me, but is afraid of committing. I explained that he is entitled to take as much time as he needs to resolve his issues, but that I won’t wait.

    I have been CD until recently. I am in the middle of a move, so I haven’t really had time.

    I have spoken to him in feeling messages (“I feel confused and sad when you contact me and I don’t like feeling that way,” etc.) He says he understands, then a few hours later, he texts/emails).

    I also told him that I don’t want to make friends of my former lovers. It’s just something I have almost never done, because it makes me feel weird and old feelings surface.

    Maybe this is his way of keeping me nearby until he decides??

  314.  #314Tam on January 16, 2013 at 6:12 am

    NewfMom, sounds like you are handling this really well actually. It may just be a case of ‘time will tell’.

    Many men like to keep a woman close without committing, it has happened to me a couple of times and one guy really derailed me with his dance of back and forth and hot and cold. I really learnt a lot from it and have to say that from experience, men make up their mind pretty quickly if they feel like a woman is their ‘one’. Mostly, they don’t want to risk losing her to the competition…he he.

    If he has issues it may be different, he might feel like he has to deal with his stuff first…still, as time goes by I get more and more convinced that if a man is in love, he jumps right in…

    I wouldn’t hedge my bets and keep moving forward. He may commit, he may not…

    Saddle up and ride on… 😉

  315.  #315Daria on January 16, 2013 at 6:20 am

    So many men treating me so well hehehe ah and new men who are so nice and cool appearing abd old men showing up and

    I feel terrified abd am committing to having sex in an all about me way only !

    Babysteps !

    Go D !

  316.  #316Tam on January 16, 2013 at 6:24 am


  317.  #317NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 6:25 am

    Daria – you go girl!

  318.  #318NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Tam – one thing he did say in email the other day: He was afraid that if he didn’t make a decision soon, that he would lose me.

    I agreed with him, saying that I would feel very sad, but I do not want to wait.

  319.  #319Daria on January 16, 2013 at 6:44 am

    Thanks ladies ! Big grin !

  320.  #320Lori on January 16, 2013 at 6:52 am

    Good morning ladies! So he called just to talk on Monday. Then he called yesterday after he saw the blanket. I had posted on the former thread. He said I was really sweet. When I said that he’s the only one who’s ever called me sweet, his response was that “no one else has permission to call you sweet”. I didn’t comment in response. hahaha, a little possessive don’t you think?

    He called and talked to my oldest son about career choices and then he called to tell me about it after. They had a really good talk. I thanked him and told him it meant a lot to me that he would do that. 🙂

    I’ve been picturing us in a bubble with my leaning back as far as I could go without falling out. Last night I felt his energy/connection so strongly that I felt like he was leaning so close that he was hovering.

  321.  #321Tam on January 16, 2013 at 6:52 am

    317 – aha!!! you see!!
    Again, seems you are handling this perfectly.
    He’ll come to the party if he wants to…

  322.  #322NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 6:58 am

    @ Lori – it feels good when we get that kind of response, doesn’t it? The “possessiveness” sounds more like his way of stepping forward, not so much anything else. I could be wrong, however.

    @Tam – yeah, I suppose so. I guess I just need to continue leaning back.

    I do have to go over to his house this evening for some unrelated stuff, so I hope that I can continue leaning back. Will be hard, though.

  323.  #323Tam on January 16, 2013 at 7:07 am

    MrP just told me that he was flying to Germany next month. Nice. When I was there he never wanted to come over. As if I care now.

  324.  #324Tam on January 16, 2013 at 7:07 am

    why is he contacting me now anyway? I feel angry about that. Leave me in peace.

  325.  #325Tam on January 16, 2013 at 7:09 am

    oh, now he is asking me to come with him. I mean, really, the guy has some strange humour. He knows I won’t, anyway. He knows I can’t, financially and otherwise. Whatever, MrP, whatever. I don’t even know what/if to answer to that, really.

  326.  #326NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 7:10 am

    Gosh, Tam – he sounds like *my* Mr. P!

    The song, “Rubber Band Man” comes to mind for both of us! 😉

  327.  #327Tam on January 16, 2013 at 7:18 am

    I just feel angry and guess sad also.
    After everything he is saying to come skiing with him? I feel so defeated, like he is never going to go away…and his little step-up moments are getting stronger and stronger again just to see if I take the hook.
    So sad.
    I’d have taken the whole man, even with all his crap.
    He just wants me to stay on the hook.
    I am not a fish. 🙁

  328.  #328k2012 on January 16, 2013 at 7:19 am

    Heart, u asked if we had met physically? We were schoolmates in the same year group at high school but didn’t know each other then and was introduced on facebook via our school alumni. We have not physically met.

  329.  #329Tam on January 16, 2013 at 7:21 am

    NewFMom…if this is true than I hope you are stronger than me. This on/off thing has kept me occupied for over 2 years now.
    I really do not recommend it.
    I would have been so happy if I had never heard a word from this man again.
    It feels like torture, especially right now when I just had to kick a seemingly really good guy to the curb because our lifestyles and values were so different.
    Is this sh*t ever going to end?

  330.  #330Tam on January 16, 2013 at 7:24 am

    MrP and my values and lifestyles and wants and needs are almost identical.
    Yet, he can’t do relationship.
    It’s torture to be reminded of all this every 2-3 weeks, when I still have feelings for him.
    Can’t he just go away? 🙁

  331.  #331Tam on January 16, 2013 at 7:34 am

    He asked me to go skiing with him and our friends…yikes, for sure this would have been a boyfriend/gf situation ‘without the label’…and when we’d have gotten back the same old murky waters crap. I need more than that.

  332.  #332NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 7:44 am

    Tam (328) – I’m sure you have already considered this, but have you told him, flat-out, to stay out of your life? I understand that you have friends in common, but he has no right to continue contacting you.

    That would make me feel angry and sad, too.

    My situation is not quite that way, but it’s likely to go there if he doesn’t “ride or get off the horse.”

  333.  #333Tam on January 16, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Guess I could but I have done before and he just ignored it. He wants me in his life, on his terms.
    Hence I continue to be unavailable to him…it’s the only way. Could I CD him? Probably not, or only with very strong boundaries. I managed one time, but the last time I did not.
    Best to stay away.

  334.  #334Starla on January 16, 2013 at 8:02 am

    tam 259, ‘promiscuous divorcee’ is such an injustice to her character! ahh that makes me want to pull my hair out! was probably written by a bitter man or one of those women-hating women.

  335.  #335Starla on January 16, 2013 at 8:03 am

    Daria 303
    What’s his astrological sign? I feel curious cuz I’ve felt the tentative kissing thing too before and I have a theory about signs.

  336.  #336Mel on January 16, 2013 at 8:15 am

    Ooooh, Starla… I feel curious about your “sign” theory. 🙂

  337.  #337NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 8:17 am

    Tam (332), if it were me, I’d hold firm to my boundaries and ignore his attempts to contact. I consider this playing games, and I don’t want to tolerate that. It feels icky when a man pulls away, then tries to rope me in. This is essentially what Phillip is doing to me, and I’m just about at my rope’s end.

    I need to gather the chutzpah to tell him that I don’t like being with someone who can’t step up and stay up. It feels icky to me. Then I need to walk away. He will turn around – or he won’t.

  338.  #338Starla on January 16, 2013 at 8:19 am

    wow this man I’ve chosen sure does have my back completely


    going to explode with love

  339.  #339Lori on January 16, 2013 at 8:21 am

    Yay Starla! I’m so glad!

    Me, I’m back to leaning back now. No contacting him. It’s so hard at times. I am CDing and will probably accept a lunch invitation from a guy who is not normally someone I would choose. But I’m not looking for a relationship, just CDing.

    Until he decides that he wants a relationship and to commit, I’m CDing and doing my own thing.

  340.  #340Tam on January 16, 2013 at 8:23 am

    336 NewFMom, hmmm..yes. Well, not so much him pulling away but rather unable to offer me what I want….and me throwing him out of my life at the time….I told him ‘no friends’ and that there isn’t going to be any friends with benefits either, so ‘good bye’.
    He is slowly trying to weasle back into my life. Maybe he’s bored?
    Who cares.

  341.  #341Starla on January 16, 2013 at 8:23 am

    yay lori, you sound GREAT

  342.  #342Lori on January 16, 2013 at 8:35 am

    Thanks Starla. I’m learning to be patient, not one of my virtues. ugh.

    My oldest son is 25. He says “Mom, guys don’t call just to talk to women they aren’t interested in.” lol Too funny to be getting advice from my son.

  343.  #343Starla on January 16, 2013 at 8:40 am

    i started to lose my cool and freak out last night with QZ… then i caught myself pretty quickly. it felt so scary to just stop the drama, like if I didn’t let it spiral out of control and turn into a real fight, then there would be no way to cover up my own vulnerability and embarrasment. but i chose relationship, and i knocked it off, even if it meant to saying ‘ahhh sorry i’m just a weirdo and freaking out cuz disagreements terrify me’. and he is a patient man so he didn’t make me feel like a bad or annoying person. and i let it go and hung up the phone, but after I hung up, I felt so exposed and vulnerable, like he must be sitting there thinking about what an emotional freak i am. on top of that, the thing we disagreed about affects his friends, whom i want to impress, of course! i wanted to text him, i wanted to call him, i wanted to beat myself up… but i just let it ride, and kept sending love to myself and forgiveness too.

    fast forward to this morning after an uncomfortable night’s sleep of feeling embarrassed and stupid and afraid of being abandoned. i still felt pretty scared and exposed. but while i was getting ready for work, he called me and left a message saying how proud he is of us for handling things the way we did last night, and that he wanted to let me know that he totally respects how i feel, and that anything i ever need, just let him know. and that he doesn’t care if i’m a ‘weirdo,’ i’m the best weirdo in the world, and he loves me for it.

    it feels incredible. he offered this last time we were dating and i was too afraid to appreciate it and i pushed it away. i can still see myself wanting to push it away with my old patterns, but i feel so encouraged that i broke a pattern last night, even if it was terrifying

  344.  #344NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 8:44 am

    Tam (339) – I hear you. If that’s the case, then perhaps a stronger stance on the no-contact rule?

    Right now, Phillip is doing the cold thing; yesterday and the day before, he was all sweetness and light. I’m not at all sure where he will be when I come over tonight. But I need to continue to lean back and hold fast to my boundaries.

    Time for a refresher. Reconnect Your Relationship and Love Scripts, I think.

  345.  #345Tam on January 16, 2013 at 8:46 am

    Well, I replied politely but also in a way that needs no response. So I didn’t get one which is a good sign 😉
    I let it fade out naturally.

  346.  #346Starla on January 16, 2013 at 8:47 am

    ohh and also, he was with his group of friends when this was all going on, and i felt extra embarrassed and afraid cuz his friends could probably tell we were having a problem (and it had to do with them, cuz he wanted to invite them to something we were going to do alone, but for many reasons i don’t want them there. i was totally within my bounds to say no to them coming, but it scared me so bad.)

  347.  #347NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 8:52 am

    Starla – what a fabulous outcome! I’m so impressed that you were able to see that you needed to change your strategy – and it worked out well because of that!

    Tam – you’re awesome! Scared doesn’t feel good. I get that. But I’m learning that it’s natural and I try to acknowledge that emotion and others when they rear their ugly heads. I find that to be my best way of addressing it.

  348.  #348Starla on January 16, 2013 at 9:06 am

    so much really just boils down to perspective. i felt rejected and unwanted that he wanted to invite his 2 friends to our outing to the indie record store when we have such little time together as it is. i felt like he was scared of me or didn’t like and needed a buffer, or just didn’t value our limited time together.

    it can be easy to take thing like that.

    OR, i could celebrate: wow, it feels so nice that my man wants to include me with his friends! he must be really proud of me to want to bring his friends into our relationship so soon; he must be really sure of us cuz it’s clear he wants us all a part of his life together. this man is so serious about me that he’s breaking down all the walls between the ‘compartments’ of his life so i can be present in all of them.

  349.  #349Starla on January 16, 2013 at 9:07 am

    *it can be easy to take things like that

  350.  #350NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 9:09 am

    Yep – perception’s a tricky thing. By voice or in person is bad; email or text is worse. :-/

  351.  #351Sunflower on January 16, 2013 at 9:11 am

    I feel at my experimenting best when CDs who are gone a while and I have forgotten about come back..those are really my “free spirit rock star” moments. I say whatever, and keep riding my horse with the feel of wind in my hair.

    It also teaches me two things.
    I forget all the CDs who go away for awhile.
    And all CDs/ men come back..:-)

  352.  #352Femininewoman on January 16, 2013 at 9:15 am

    I feel you Sunflower. I so know what you mean. Life is good.

  353.  #353Starla on January 16, 2013 at 9:23 am

    and my man is really kind of an introvert and a bit anti social, so the fact that he was so eager to gather a group of people together shows me how inspired he is in my presence… how safe he feels to go outside his comfort zone and try to ‘rise to the occasion’ of having a girl like me in his life…

    but instead my initial reaction was to take it personally.

    dominique just posted a great article on her website about being open in the way you receive a man’s words and actions. to look for the good instead of the bad.

    i’m workin on it!

  354.  #354Femininewoman on January 16, 2013 at 9:31 am

    How To Really Get Through to Him
    So, telling a man off is useless. And keeping your feelings to yourself is useless. In fact, telling a man off or keeping your feelings to yourself are even WORSE than useless.

    These are not “styles” that keep things in “neutral.” These styles of handling your hurt, disappointment and anger actually do DAMAGE to your love life.

    So try this Tool when you’re about to either “tell him off” or “hold it in” to actually INCREASE his attraction to you. I call it “SHIFT GEARS:”

    Tool: Shift Gears
    1. STOP.

    Absolutely INTERRUPT what you’re about to do or say.

    Whatever it is you’re about to do or say is OLD, it’s what you’ve BEEN DOING – it hasn’t worked, and it will never work – so STOP.

    2. Sit down.

    On the floor is great, on the couch or somewhere in the middle of the room is best – don’t go slink off in a corner somewhere so he won’t see you.

    Just sit down wherever you are when you catch yourself about to do or say one of your two “styles” – the moment after you STOP.

    3. Breathe.

    Take a very deep breath, let it out, then breathe in and out 2 more times. Let the air go all the way down your body, and focus on relaxing each body part as the air touches it.

    Most important body parts for this – let your shoulders go, and your pelvis and vagina go. If your tummy is dancing around – let it, that’s fine.

    4. Find the feeling.

    Come up with the feeling you were about to say to him or stuff down and keep to yourself – for instance, “hurt.”

    Let’s say he didn’t call when he said he would, he didn’t show up at your house when he said he would, he made plans to do something elsewhere when you were hoping for a romantic evening… and you’re about to either TELL HIM OFF, or PRETEND everything is fine and wish him a nice evening.

    You stop yourself, you sit down, you breathe, you relax your body (Steps 1 through 3).

    Now, find the FEELING by…

    Knowing What The Feeling Is NOT:

    You know it’s NOT that “he’s wrong and bad and hurtful…”
    You know it’s NOT that “everything’s fine” or “I’m so glad you made other plans, because I really wanted to spend the evening alone washing my hair.” Or even worse, “I got invited to do something else, so this is great…” (if it’s not absolutely true.) So, what DO YOU KNOW?

    You KNOW you feel BAD. You know you feel DISAPPOINTED. You know you feel ANGRY. So, SAY IT!

    5. Tell the Truth.

    Say, out loud, without saying the word “you” – and LEAVING HIM OUT OF THIS ALTOGETHER – the feeling you came up with.

    Say: “I feel bad,” or “I feel disappointed,” or “I feel angry.”



    This looks like: You don’t ASK HIM for ANYTHING.

    If he apologizes, say “thank you,” and then say:

    “I don’t like feeling bad (or disappointed or angry). IT MAKES ME FEEL TURNED OFF.”

    7. That’s it. You’re done.

    Listen to what he has to say, and don’t DISCUSS his excuses. Don’t get into ANY discussion.

    8. Stay With Your Feelings

    Now you have to follow your feelings even more, because you’re going to have triggered yourself with such amazing, brave, sexy, exciting, attractive, UNUSUAL – and totally UNEXPECTED – behavior.

    Your Nasty Voice is going to kick in and tell you that you shouldn’t have said that, or that you should have kept quiet. It’s going to try to make you second guess yourself.

    9. Feel PROUD.

    Let the Nasty Voice talk, but don’t believe it, don’t do what it says, don’t defend yourself against it.

    YOU are in CHARGE. Say that OUT LOUD right now for practice – “I’m in CHARGE of ME.” Stand up to the Nasty Voice inside your head in this same way you stood up to your man – just follow the steps:

    Stop defending against the Voice in your head, sit down, breathe, relax your shoulders, pelvis and vagina.

    Say to it – “I’m in Charge of Me,” and then – and this is important:

    10. IMMEDIATELY turn away from your man.

    …And from the Nasty Voice and go do something fun, happy, involving, exciting, useful – do something that makes you feel good.


  355.  #355Tam on January 16, 2013 at 9:36 am

    Ok, so he did answer. Grumble.
    Now, MrP hardly ever says anything remotely nice.
    EVER. He can’t get himself to do it. He does, however, show it when he likes someone – in different ways.
    He would buy me little unusual presents from the fleamarkets (Curly did that too, from the same flemarkets, how freaky is that?!)…or take me on special outings…but he never says anything nice – and is very sparing with compliments.
    Well, he is pulling out the stops.
    Upon my reply saying I can’t go skiing, thanks and bye, he said, there wouldn’t be a better way to see Germany than with a sexy German.
    Me, basically.
    And that I am way smarter than the ‘average German’…because of course we like each others brains.
    Ah, go away.
    Actually – I feel flattered..to be honest.
    Because he is not a charmer at all…I have heard those kinds of things maybe once a year…ha.

  356.  #356Tam on January 16, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Now I am flirting with him online. Oh man, I didn’t want to do that but I dare say it feels fun.
    And I’ll take the compliments…

  357.  #357Tam on January 16, 2013 at 9:41 am

    and now I am going to STOP and go outside for lunch!!! Rah!!

  358.  #358Lori on January 16, 2013 at 9:41 am

    FW, that was really good. I’m going to remember that. I talked to him last night after he spent 40 minutes talking to my son. I realized that I didn’t put into practice listening technique #2. I need to do better.

    I’m back to leaning back. He’s been leaning forward. I don’t want to make the mistake of leaning forward and pushing him back.

  359.  #359Femininewoman on January 16, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Did anyone get the new eBook? I feel curious to know if it works comfortably on the phone and if anyone thinks it is worth getting if you have the first one.

  360.  #360Starla on January 16, 2013 at 9:50 am

    there’s a new ebook??

  361.  #361Femininewoman on January 16, 2013 at 9:53 am

    From Rori

    Announcing The Completely Revised 2nd Edition Of My Best-Selling eBook

    My Have The Relationship You Want eBook is THE foundation for everything I teach – the work that started it all, and the first place I send my clients to find the secrets they need to attract and keep the love they deserve. And now I want to share it with you more than ever.

    Because my eBook has been completely updated for 2013! This isn’t just a few tweaks here and there – it’s A WHOLE NEW EXPERIENCE FOR YOU: more in-depth advice, simplified Tools to start using today, with additional formats and a beautiful new design.

    This second edition comes after 5+ years of hearing feedback from women all over the world, developing my programs, and learning in my own marriage.
    New For 2013: My Bigger, Better eBook
    Read it and discover:

    * A complete how-to manual for connecting to his heart

    * My 5-step action plan for having your dream relationship

    * 50+ more pages of content, Tools & Exercises

    * 7-day risk-free trial: Read it all before you buy

    Try It Now

    It comes from seeing how my teachings and coaching have changed women’s lives and how times are changing – from dating and flirting to commitment and beyond.

    I originally wrote the eBook to show you how I turned my own failing marriage around, but now the book is so much more! It’s a complete manual for relating to a man and creating the love and romance you dream of with him – and every woman should own it.

    With this new edition, you’ll get ALL my core concepts PLUS fresh content all packaged together into a real, actionable plan to get you the relationship you want.

    Introducing My Completely Revised eBook
    Here’s what you’ll get with my new second edition:

    A Self-Help Book That Really Works

    In the 200+ pages of my eBook, you’ll learn not only how and why a man will connect and be completely devoted to you – but I also give you page after page of Tools and exercises that MAKE IT HAPPEN. Best of all, the Tools are easy and become second nature so that you completely change your vibe: Bring out your most attractive, alluring you and making it easier than ever to create the relationship you want.

    Advice And Tools For The Way We Love Now

    Is it okay to ask a man out? What about online dating? In today’s day and age, gender lines are blurred. Men aren’t quite sure what we want from them, and we women don’t know how to give it to them! My eBook sets it all straight – telling you exactly what you should know so you don’t accidentally push a good man away… and instead you’ll be sure HE’S the one doing the pursuing.

    A Digital-Friendly Format (And New Design) That Makes Reading A Breeze

    PC, Mac, phone, tablet, Kindle – however and whenever you want my advice (even in the middle of a date or the middle of the night!), you’ll have all of it right at your fingertips. And I know you’ll love the new design as much as I do. Not only is it beautiful to look at, but it makes finding what you need easier than ever – with Tools and exercises clearly marked for you.

    A Book Of Real Hope – No Matter What Your Situation

    When was the last time you read something that made you feel really good about your life and your chances for feeling love? Because from the very beginning of my eBook, you’re going to feel uplifted. Inspired. Convinced that the love you want is out there for you. You’ll read all about my story (including the embarrassing details), and you’ll hear about other women who went from “It’s never going to happen to me” to “I never thought love could be this good!”

  362.  #362Starla on January 16, 2013 at 9:59 am

    awesome, thanks FW:)

  363.  #363ALA on January 16, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Loved the “Switch Gears” tool in Rori’s email. I can hear her voice while I’m reading. She’s so cool. It all sounds so do-able until the last part when you say “I am in control of me” It feels better if I can only say that to myself. Like if I said that to a guy he would think I’m hearing voices. lol

    I feel a sense of finality after sending the email. Getting sudden bursts of weeping from the loss. Feeling good that it’s over and I can move on… eventually. It feels scary right now. I have two CDs that I haven’t seen or spoken to for a couple weeks. And another man from online. Not feeling ready to go out and pretend to be all cheerful with a man. Need to do some personal work on myself. Learning new boundaries, not having ten-foot thick walls.

    Trying to break my addiction of checking up on D to see if he’s online. I went three hours last night before I went to sleep, then this morning it only lasted about 20 mins… ugh, this is a hard one. Going to try for the rest of the day.

  364.  #364Dominique on January 16, 2013 at 10:18 am

    LoveAlways – 274 – Awesome.


  365.  #365Femininewoman on January 16, 2013 at 10:27 am

    ALA I did not read the “I am in control of me” advice as something you say to a man. I understand it as me talking to myself.

  366.  #366ALA on January 16, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Thanks FW. That makes more sense.

  367.  #367Lori on January 16, 2013 at 10:46 am

    okay so I’ve been asked out to a movie, lunch and a sexual encounter. I feel like running and hiding! I don’t think I’m ready for this.

  368.  #368Femininewoman on January 16, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Lori by whom?

  369.  #369NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 10:49 am

    @FW (353) – excellent! It really helps to get specifics on how to handle stuff right here.

    Tam – I feel ya. If he can’t give you what you need, the contact is only serving to hurt you. I’m beginning to see Phillip the same way. Hot and cold, in or out, up or down. I want to scream at him: “Just pick one!”

    I’m beginning to understand that it’s me who has to choose. He doesn’t want to be the one to say goodbye, so he’s forcing my hand. I’m going to think long and hard on this, but I’m fairly certain I need to walk away (or lean *way* the hell back).

  370.  #370Lori on January 16, 2013 at 10:50 am

    FW, by three different CDs. The sexual encounter isn’t even a consideration. yuck.

    One of the CDs is someone I would consider. The second one isn’t someone I would normally consider. But Rori had said that we should consider outside our norm.

  371.  #371NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 10:52 am

    @ ALA: Is it all three CDs or just the sexual encounter that has you wanting to run?

  372.  #372Femininewoman on January 16, 2013 at 10:54 am

    So it is 3 invites? I thought it was one with one person Lori.


  373.  #373Lori on January 16, 2013 at 10:55 am

    Newfmom; 369, all of them but especially the sexual encounter. I’m not really a FWB type girl.

    I think part of it is with my guy coming forward, I feel uncomfortable doing this, like I’m doing something wrong even though he said he didn’t want a relationship. I can do what I want.

  374.  #374Lori on January 16, 2013 at 10:58 am

    Correct FW, it’s three.

  375.  #375Smile on January 16, 2013 at 11:05 am


    Do you know the paveover your fly trap tool? It really helped me when I had an elasticband man.

  376.  #376Smile on January 16, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Tam, you sound soooo strong! You are the prize and deserve nothing less than being made to feel amazing because you are amazing 🙂

  377.  #377NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 11:07 am

    Sorry, Lori – addressed the wrong person.

    I’m not a FWB-type, either. Although I have done it in the (distant) past, it’s not my style anymore. Baby steps – take only what you think you can handle.

  378.  #378Lori on January 16, 2013 at 11:09 am

    Smile, 374, paveover fly trap tool? This sounds interesting. Explain please?

  379.  #379NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Smile (374) – I don’t think so. I have several of her programs, but not sure which one this is in. Can you specify?

  380.  #380Smile on January 16, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Today we had our second family funeral. Christmas was a sad time . But it’s made me appreciate living. I know I have to work but I’ve been thinking for a while now how I can not work so hard until I am 68. So just now I’ve realised what I’m going to do. I will work till I am 40 in my current career, then I will make a career as a foster mother. At the moment I am surrounded by and responsible for vulnerable children daily.

  381.  #381NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 11:22 am

    Lori – I found it on an earlier post in Rori’s blog:

  382.  #382Smile on January 16, 2013 at 11:23 am

    I posted it towards the end of the last thread but I have it as an email, I’ll dig it out after my tea 🙂

  383.  #383Smile on January 16, 2013 at 11:24 am

    That’s the one, the email has a lot more detail in it but that’s the basics 🙂

  384.  #384NewfMom on January 16, 2013 at 11:32 am

    @Smile: Got the email (01/09/13).

    That’s a good simile. I will need to interract with him tonight and perhaps Friday. I’ll try to apply that metaphor to myself and how I speak to him.


  385.  #385k2012 on January 16, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Overseas cd and I are talking now. He asked me a while ago what am I thinking. Told him I enjoy talking to him. But that is not the only thing I am thinking ladies. I am wondering if he is genuine. Wondering if he wants a relationship or not or he wants a fling. That’s what I am thinking. But I am not telling him that. He asked what else I am thinking. Not telling him what I just said. Gonna tell him that I think he is a nice guy. What u think ladies? Let me hear from u. Going to answer now.

  386.  #386Smile on January 16, 2013 at 11:43 am

    Tool: Finding Good Love That Really Sticks

    1. Pave Over Your Flypaper

    Pave it over with rose petals, and fairy dust, and gold dust, and soft sand from exotic beaches. Make it soft.

    Make it so a man’s footprints can be felt, and yet he can fly away and the breeze will blow more gold and fairy dust and soft sand to leave a fresh place for another man – or 100 men! – to leave more footprints…

    And… perhaps stay awhile. Or forever.

    2. Leave it up to him

    Let him choose: Stay or go.

    I know this feels totally impossible when we’re clinging to a thread of a relationship. When we want things to work out, when we want things to go the way we want them to go. When we’ve waited so long for love, and finally a man has shown up who told us he loved us. Perhaps he even promised us love.

    Yet, if you can remember this, you’ll feel SO much better and be SO much more attractive to ANY man:

    The difference between what a man says and what he does are the difference between a lifelong love partnership, and a fling.

    It doesn’t matter if the fling lasts days, weeks, months or even years (and, yes – many men are totally capable of allowing friendly “flings” to endure for years…) if it isn’t a lifelong love partnership, with all the commitment bells and whistles you desire in order to relax and feel happy, then it’s still a “fling.”

    If you’re not watching what he does, you can accidentally use my Rori Raye Tools to keep a fling going for such a long time that you may get lulled into thinking it’s going to be forever. (Yes – the Tools are THAT powerful.)

    Instead, use my Tools to bring so MANY men close to you that you NEVER feel at any one man’s mercy.

    Just because you love him and are invested in him doesn’t mean he has a claim on you UNTIL he actually claims you.

    So let HIM make the decisions about where the relationship is going. And YOU make the decisions about whether what he wants is what YOU want.

    This is where YOU get to stay or go, too. This is THE most powerful place you can come from inside yourself – the most powerful message you can deliver to a man: That you will not be trying to convince him to be with you forever.

    That, instead, you’ll trust him to make his own decisions based on how he feels and what he wants. And then you’ll see if that’s enough for you. This mental attitude can make you feel incredibly powerful and peaceful – both at the same time. Now…

    3. Put imaginary plants around your mental and emotional self

    Plants that will give you shade for your thoughts and feelings. Plants that will nurture and feed you… And most of all – plants that will invite a man to sit in the shade with you and share your bounty.

    4. Don’t ask him to “stick”

    Don’t be afraid of him going. The most attractive woman in the world is one who’s not holding on, acting like glue. The prize here is YOU – not him!

    Remember – if you’re flypaper, you’re stuck to a man, too! That means you’re stuck with the ones who aren’t filling up your needs and your heart!

    And, in case you want to hang onto your flypaper and put it in a drawer and take it out for “special occasions” and “special men” – ask yourself this:

    Why Would You Ever Even Need Flypaper?

    When a “good” man finds you – a man who’s determined to make it his life’s mission to make you ecstatically happy – you don’t NEED flypaper! He stays and sticks because he WANTS to. Because he wants YOU.

    Try this in your imagination, and see how it works magically in the real world, with a real man – no matter HOW you’re feeling right now: Change your flypaper to lovely, sweet, feeling-filled you – the way you know you are deep inside yourself when you’re happy and don’t want or need anything – and change your life.

    Do it one minute at a time. One tiny second, in fact, at a time. Practice it everywhere, and see how much calmer, sexier, simpler, and more relaxed you feel.

    To get even more Tools like this one, and watch me guiding you through them to be a real, true INVITATION to a man – so he ALWAYS wants to “stick” to you like glue without you doing anything to make it happen – check out my Modern Siren program right here:

  387.  #387Smile on January 16, 2013 at 11:46 am


    Thinking about what? In general or about him?

    Do you need to wonder where it’s going? And just enjoy talking to him?

  388.  #388Rebecca on January 16, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Wow, I’ve noticed something about myself that I had never noticed before. I am unbelievably sensitive and shy.

    I really like a guy in my office. He is sort of senior to me but I have had a few meetings / encounters with him. Immediately I was attracted to him.

    Rhen it all seemed to go downhill from there. Because I fancied him I couldn’t look at him. I started to avoid him. Then it seemed that he was avoiding me – we just seemed to be avoiding each other.

    I don’t know that much about him whether he’s married, single or in a relationship.

    Anyway, I thought – right I need to pull myself together here. I was worried I was coming across as rude – so anyway I bravely said to myself to try Roris 5 second stare.

    Normally I don’t see the point of this at all. But anyway – needless to say I tried it on this guy and weirdly it seemed to work on him. He started to be considerably more friendly – which I’m still feel weird about.

    I still don’t feel he is “interested” in me but well it felt like good practise for me!

    Lol… It also made me feel quite sad that I found it so difficult…

    I don’t know what to do next – I’m scared of over functioning.

    Any help would be greatly appreciated!!

  389.  #389Silver-Tongued Siren on January 16, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    282 natalina/smile:

    this feels like very good advice.

    “it just seems that you are putting a lot out there in the worry department in his sake than you are in just being a female that he wants to keep for his own. –the media/dating sites/personals really dont lend to listening to the concept of CD- but when you approach it from a “this is what I want, what do you think” type of atmosphere, you never need to worry about the WHAT IF HE THINKS we are exclusive, if you dont know… that should be a pretty good sign he isnt thinking much about it. to me making a point of telling someone they could be replaced sends a lot of different energy than just absorbing the wonderful vibes you are and will put off because you continue to fill yourself with other beautiful men/ocnversations etc. let him be the man.”

  390.  #390k2012 on January 16, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    “So let HIM make the decisions about where the relationship is going. And YOU make the decisions about whether what he wants is what YOU want.you’ll trust him to make his own decisions based on how he feels and what he wants. And then you’ll see if that’s enough for you.”. Smile thanks for posting this.

  391.  #391BeLoved on January 16, 2013 at 12:16 pm


    Reading your posts, the question that I want to ask you is,
    What are you pretending not to know?

  392.  #392Silver-Tongued Siren on January 16, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    151 Starla:

    wow, QZ is showering you with thoughtful gifts!!! that sounds wonderful!!!

    192 Turquoise! WOW, everything sounds incredible with Sweetheart, other than that he is not divorced. I wonder what the circumstances are (did she cheat on him/why are they getting divorced!)? … Good chance if he leaves one relationship because he doesn’t like something, he may do it again. I love the way he touches you affectionately/constantly. He definitely sounds into you. I think you’re handling it well though, not letting him “have you” quite, especially as he has a lot to handle first!

  393.  #393Rebecca on January 16, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Sirens ~ Sorry for spamming!

    Another thing I’ve noticed. A couple of days ago I decided to go on a diet and detox – well the start of Jan to be precise.

    I’ve done really well – my skin feels good – I’m feeling good about myself.

    But this is where it all goes wrong. Because I am feeling better I am now barely watching what I’m eating – I don’t feel so inspired by exercise. Bum! Why does this happen to me?

    Why am i not bothered??

  394.  #394Tam on January 16, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Aw Smile, you soon good 🙂 I like the foster mum idea for you.

  395.  #395janie baby on January 16, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    For exercise, maybe your body doesn’t feel the intense need to like before because you’re treating yourself well. When I treat my body well, I don’t feel my usual compulsive need to exercise every single day. However, I will still not listen to my thoughts and go exercise anyway. Do not think of it as something happening to you. Don’t wait for inspiration. Make yourself get up and do something like run, walk, dance, yoga.

  396.  #396Tam on January 16, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Poor MrP and me. This is sad because the hope is totally gone. There were times when, if he had asked me to go on a holiday with him, I’d have been ecstatic. Now I just shed a tear.
    Because it’s all done. We both know he can’t do relationship…and we both know that if he could, it culd be great. Sigh.
    It would be great to go on holiday together because when we are thrown together at close quarters we are good together. He knows that which is why he felt safe to ask me…
    But even if I was in a position to go, at this stage I’d probably have declined because there is no more hope and just the fear of ending up in a mess again….
    It’s a done deal. There’s two people who have feelings for each other and for lots of different reasons, some his and some mine, this can never work…never.
    Ah. It is so sad but also in a way cleansing, a little like someone died after you’ve been to the funeral. You don’t feel great, but you feel that you have mourned appropriately. You still need a bit more time to grieve but the person is gone.
    In my case the ‘person’ is the idea of a ‘relationship’. I buried it quite a while ago and just feel the pangs now and then…

  397.  #397Tam on January 16, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    and when I tell my friends about this, the usual reaction used to be ‘ah he is just messing you about’ bla bla bla.
    Now even they will say ‘oh how sad’.
    It’s all just sad.
    But I have moved past it.
    I’d probably be ok meeting him now.
    In a way feels like family, we can take each other as we are and know that nothing can really shatter the bond long term…but there are no illusions anymore because you know the person so well.
    Oh well.
    Guess it’s all good. Probably a friend of sorts – for life. Just need to watch the boundaries for a while.

  398.  #398Tam on January 16, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    And Curly is now scared of me as I barked at him yesterday. He told me that he wants to be with me depite me being so tough.
    Well, Dude, that was your own fault, for getting into trouble…sigh.
    Normally he tries to see me every spare minute he has but he just invited me for an outing into the city on Sunday and said ‘see you Sunday’. Giving me space, which is called for.
    I don’t miss him that much actually, considering.
    I enjoy doing stuff myself and have a couple of nights out with my friends…

  399.  #399Tam on January 16, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    Hehe, I killed Curly…ha ha ha.
    Here is a message from the beaten up alpha male..too funny!!!!

    I am aware of your feelings and what you said. I think after the first 10 times hearing the same thing I think it sank in. I was so tired and drained that all I wanted was to stop the pain. But not T she had to get it out so LOOK OUT!!

    ‘I am aware of your feelings and what you said. I think after the first 10 times hearing the same thing I think it sank in. I was so tired and drained that all I wanted was to stop the pain.

    I do like your strength though. Persistent! Ass kicker. Needed a pillow to sit after that ass woopin! But I’m still here, that is a good thing.

    On another note I think that I am comming down with something. Not feeling 100%.’

  400.  #400k2012 on January 16, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    Smile, I told him that I was busy all day and he said to me that he figure that I was thinking about him. So I laughed and asked why he said that. So he was actually referring to thinking about him, not general terms. ” What are you pretending not to know?” Beloved, I am not sure that I understand u.

  401.  #401Smile on January 16, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    Natalina, silver tongued siren

    Thank you for this, I was so tired last night, I think I missed a lot.

    yes, I want to put my energy into creating fun and enjoyable moments. I have let go of the need to worry. I will continue to share my wants and desires.

  402.  #402Smile on January 16, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    Tam, curly is the new mr persistent!

  403.  #403Tam on January 16, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    comming with two m?
    I hope that was a typo and not a spello

  404.  #404Tam on January 16, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    Smile, yep, possibly…I did freak a bit yesterday, if the truth be known..but he deserved it and moreover he knew he deserved it.
    So that’s why he’s like this.
    He just realised that I am not a doormat…probably not the Rori way but the Tam way…

  405.  #405Smile on January 16, 2013 at 1:13 pm


    Could you say something like
    It feels great talking to you…or something to let him know your interested?

  406.  #406Smile on January 16, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Some guys like a girl who talks ‘tough lol’ I wonder did you use any fms? But it feels good to hear you are not accepting whatever it is you are seeing as ‘bad’ behaviour.

  407.  #407Rebecca on January 16, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    … And the weird thing was everytime I did look up and try the 5 second stare thing he was looking at me. It felt lovely! I’m just trying to practise and not see it as anymore than that. It’s hard. I can’t believe how hard I’m finding it…

  408.  #408Daria on January 16, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    I’m doing way better about the 6 second connect look. The blushing and shyness is not blocking me as much !

  409.  #409Smile on January 16, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    I love it when he calls me princess 

  410.  #410Tam on January 16, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    405..yes smile, I did use feeling messages…for about 2 minutes out of 60 lol…….
    the rest was a beating up.
    But, trust me, he deserved it. And he knows.
    And he is man enough to take it.
    Couldn’t have done it with MrP, he has such a fragile ego, he’d have ran and huffed and puffed and sulked for a year…or imploded.

  411.  #411k2012 on January 16, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    Smile I told him that I enjoy talking to him and that he seems to be a nice guy.

  412.  #412janie baby on January 16, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    I feel a little sad.
    I feel very vulnerable and soft.
    I feel tears.
    I don’t feel like being tough anymore.
    I don’t feel like playing games.
    I feel confused. He comes in full force and then I just be and come closer and he pulls away.
    Yesterday morning when he left he said ” i love you i’ll call you tonight!”
    No call last inght. he was on facebook and I said “any luck so far?” (as he’s searching for jobs) and he said “a little, still working”
    and that was it.
    No call yet. I’m so sad. I was assuming we’d hang out tonight but it’s already 1:30 p.m. I’m gonna make other plans.
    I’m not just sad about that though. I feel frustrated about it all in gentle.
    I just wish I could depend on him completely and not be always hesitant because I know he’s not going in completely.
    Then with the flypaper tool I try to do this but then I feel like he won’t go away or stay the way I want him too. Part of me wants to be patient and be surprised but the other part is so scared.
    I’m confused.
    I’ve stopped nagging about the calls cause it doesn’t feel good for me to nag. IT feels bad. I stopped doing it. But then again I DONT LIKE IT.
    ugh. I feel sad..

  413.  #413Rebecca on January 16, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Yay Daria – i hope it gets easier for me.

  414.  #414Turquoise on January 16, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    Hi Sirens!

    Silver Tounged Siren,

    Thanks! It does feel awesome! We talked for 3 hours on the phone last night, and most of it was about the future he wants us to have. He’s talking marriage, how he wants me to be with me for the rest of his life, he even asked about a baby…. it’s kinda crazy, but feels thrilling and exciting too.

    It sounds like their problems stemmed mostly from his injury. He has had 3 back surgeries, has rods and pins holding him together which all happened around the time the school he worked for closed and he lost his very good job. They’d built a house, started having financial problems, tied in with him being in pain, on medication that made him sleep a lot, just sounds like it deteriorated. He’s worked since, but never at that same pay scale and things got bad for them financially.

    But, with all that said…. he often tells me that he’s never had this. That I treat him differently than anyone ever has. I make him feel like a man, I make him feel good about himself, that they didn’t sit and talk about their feelings and emotions, he just often felt he couldn’t do anything right. They had been together since high school, so people do grow up and change.. maybe some of that.

    They seem very opposite from what I can tell, but I haven’t met her. I’ve never had a man regularly tell me that I make him feel like a man though, and how amazing that is. I feel bad that he didn’t just feel that way all along. But I guess being hurt, being the stay home parent, not the bread winner…. all could be emasculating. But simple things like a compliment, he’ll say he hasn’t had that in years… all feels sad to me. So, I get why he’s so into me. I talk about my feelings, I unzipper my heart, I’m warm and affectionate, and sandpaper… 🙂

    Even though it feels wonderful to talk about a future and for him to say all those things, I’m not losing sight of how much would have to change in the meantime, for us to be together. He’s still not smoking, which after a pack a day for over 20 years… can’t be easy. So, if he can do that, I feel comfortable giving him some time to make the necessary legal decisions. I’m also seeing friends and family, and staying focused on my own life, which all feels simple and routine to me now.

    I am happy….. and aware of how scary it is to start thinking you might get what you always wanted, but maybe didn’t expect to get…. this is really good practice time for me.

  415.  #415Starla on January 16, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    quitting smoking can be so hard. have you ever? i couldn’t have done it if not for QZ (a pack a day smoker himself) refusing to ever smoke in my presence or even show up smelling like cigs.

    I still haven’t seen him smoke one. I know he’s trying to quit.

    QZ’s sister had a series of similar surgeries. She has a serious birth defect of the spine from her mom using drugs while pregnant, i believe. His sister was such a snobby popular chick in high school when we were growing up. Who knew that the beautiful, popular kids had such problems at home? My heart breaks thinking about it.

  416.  #416Starla on January 16, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    “I am happy….. and aware of how scary it is to start thinking you might get what you always wanted, but maybe didn’t expect to get…. this is really good practice time for me.”

    and kind of out of the blue… one day you’re just trodding along, and then suddenly you find yourself in a bubble of love and light with another human, planning a future. Ain’t love grand? 🙂

  417.  #417Turquoise on January 16, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    Hi Starla,

    No, I’ve never smoked… anything 🙂 But I love my caffiene and can’t imagine quitting that, so I think I somewhat understand. He does tell me when he’s having the urge though, like after eating. But he said he feels so much better already, not coughing, can breathe, he’s really really happy!

    Sweetheart is adopted, so he doesn’t know if this is hereditary or not, but he has degenerative disc disease and 3 slipped discs in his back. The first two surgeries didn’t work, so that is why he needed a third. He said he doesn’t think he could endure another surgery, it was really terrible. He goes to weekly therapy sessions which make him feel amazing, but he’s still on pain medication and I can’t imagine being in constant pain. I am a big baby when I have a cold or twist my ankle. I’m inspired by how positive he stays.

  418.  #418Starla on January 16, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    [obligatory plug for medical mj as a non-addictive and much healthier alternative to pain meds]

    when i had oral surgery, pot brownies were the difference between 1 heavy duty pain pill or THREE. so glad i had this legal resource here so i didn’t have to get all hooked on pain meds.

  419.  #419Turquoise on January 16, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    Yep Starla, totally out of the blue! I was giving up on the idea of true love, soul mates, forever…. figured it just wasn’t meant to be and I’d make the best of casual dating… be happy for all the other wonderful blessings in my life, and that would be it.

    I’ve never had someone adore me before. Tell me I’m beautiful, perfect the way I am, that I mean the world to them, that I’ve changed their life… that they have never felt this way… and it all feels honest and sincere. I want to pinch myself to see if this is real.

  420.  #420Starla on January 16, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    I sure do like this SH guy for you, Turquoise. I actually see you with a more ‘rocker’ type. someone with a young, playful heart to keep you alight and glowy.

  421.  #421Turquoise on January 16, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    Starla, he has said that if they legalize it here, it would be an option for him because he hates being on narcotics.

  422.  #422Turquoise on January 16, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Starla… thank you, awww, just touched my heart with 420. You really did. I feel alight and glowy. I really do. He is more edgy…lol, but so cute and sweet, smart and fun. He’s a good mix of everything I love. Want to hear something funny? He crochets. 🙂

  423.  #423Smile on January 16, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    Tam, it would feel somewhat refreshing to me to go through a ‘rocky’ moment so to speak and still have a man there saying he wants me. For the past 4 years, the ONLY ‘rocky’ discussions I have had have been impending doom on the relationship…’will it survive, is it over’ kind of rockiness. I would love to go back to the type of relationship I had with ex of 10 years where it felt okay to have ‘rocky’ patches.
    I never had an argument with strummingman or ex of 2 years ever? I rarely get angry, or experience emotions at one either end of the scale… Ha as I wrote that word I remembered I am a libra for sure lol!!

  424.  #424Smile on January 16, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    I am off to bed to read roris new ebook 

  425.  #425tracey on January 16, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    Ok, I was just going to ask a question along the same lines as this!!! I went out on a first date with a guy. My veiws…for sex…is I need to know the guy before I will even KISS HIM!!! I am certainly not going to jump into bed with him!

    So we had been talking on the phone and texting for a few weeks. He asked me out on a date!! FOR A SUNDAY!! I felt if I wasn’t important enough for him to take me out on a FRIDAY or Saturday night…Then he is involved with someone else!

    Anyway, weeks later..(last night)_I agreed to a date! We met up…had an actual nice time. Dinner, walked around the mall, did some light shopping, chatting, watched ice skaters, then went to a bar played a few rounds of pool. At the end of the date..we just hugged. BUT he made a comment about the back seat of my car being big enough to have sex in!!! I am clearly not that type of woman!

  426.  #426Starla on January 16, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    smile i sooo want the same thing. i want to be able to argue, even have screaming blow out fights, and not ever have to worry that it’s the end.

  427.  #427CurvySiren10 on January 16, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    418 Oh yes Starla! 🙂

  428.  #428Starla on January 16, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    tracey 425, all that sounds pretty good to me… what’s your question?

  429.  #429Smile on January 16, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    Love it already, thanks rori 

  430.  #430Smile on January 16, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    Starla, we will, we will, oh yes we will, this will happen!!

  431.  #431FlowerChild77 on January 16, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    Not sure how it happened, but ‘someone’ got my banking information and there were charges on my card that I didn’t make. I cut the card up and the bank ordered a new one for me. As soon as I get it, I’ll be checking out Rori’s new book =)

  432.  #432Tam on January 16, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    OMG..I am a naughty girl.
    I was indulging in dirty talk with MrP today, via text…and I Rockstar’d it.
    He was so crazy, he even sent me a pic of himself (he never used to)..and he wanted to come to my place there and then…
    so I just said ‘nah, I don’t work in the service industry, honey’ and sent him a provocative pic of me and said ‘have fun DIY-ing’
    Do It Yourself.
    I can’t believe I did that. Too funny.

  433.  #433Tam on January 16, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    426 Starla, I did just that. But then the arguing like a woman possessed didn’t matter to me because I had nothing to lose, I am not invested in the guy.
    It feels great to get it all off your chest and not care.
    But then, I was in a relationship, many moons ago, where I was sooo secure that we could fight (hardly ever happened) and we knew it wouldn’t be the end.
    That is a great place to be in.
    In fact, it’s what I consider a normal, balanced adult relationship.
    I want no less.

  434.  #434Vi on January 16, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    A part of me that once felt obsessed with a man wants to feel more loved. Otherwise I wouldn’t feel angry right now. I love you, my obsessing part! No need to fix other people, it’s just between me and you, my dear obsessing part. I don’t want to feel angry. It’s okay, but it feels so boring and doesn’t feel as good as happiness… I choose to love myself and let other people just be who they are… and have their own story… I love you, my once -obsessing – over – a- man part of me. It’s okay to feel tight in shoulders and guilty and sad. I love my tightness, I love you, shoulders, I love my guilt, I love my sadness. I am a safe place. Am I feeling guilty that I am so focused on my own happiness now? Maybe. I feel not used to it, it feels like I am violating almost all the cultural principles I’ve been brought up with. I feel guilty and ashamed as well. But it’s okay. I love my guilt. I love my shame. I love my discomfort. Up the ladder, right? Sigh. Hehe. I love me.

  435.  #435Tam on January 16, 2013 at 5:16 pm

    MrP and I had a naugthy email and text exchange tonight….and honestly, for me it was just fun..I felt amused winding him up, and I know what he likes.
    I know him so well. I was playing.
    Then he sends me an email to say that
    the last hour of our exchange ‘makes life worth living’.
    Ah, poor us.
    It was fun. I was just teasing him.

  436.  #436Tam on January 16, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    Ah, so I am sexy, smart, the exchange with me makes ‘life worth living’ and I am the ‘best woman he’s been with in a while’.
    Gee thanks MrP, I haven’t heard anything like this from him in over 2 years. The man of few (almost no) words. I heard it tonight, and the reason why, is because he knows I am no ‘threat’ anymore.
    He knows I’ve given up.
    I am safe. And fun. And I will not ask for anything.
    Because I know it’s all done.
    Now he can be honest, because guess what – there is nothing at stake anymore.

  437.  #437Tam on January 16, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    ‘in a long while’ apparently

  438.  #438Tam on January 16, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    423 Aw Smile, I am so with you on that.
    A 5 year relationship with a Libra and not any arguments I can remember.
    The English guy I dated in Germany was a Libra too and we just got on so well, no ups and downs..I love that in a person. And if they don’t put me on a rollercoaster, I am not putting them on one either.
    But yes. It is nice that Curly is still persistent even though I gave him h*ll yesterday, and I really did and if you knew the story you’d understand.
    I hardly ever get angry, loud or upset.
    This is why he was totally shocked. He contacted me several days today saying he was sorry that he brought this out in me, and that he just wants the sweet and usual ‘me’ back because that’s what he likes.
    Well, that in itself was a trigger for me.
    So he likes the smiling doormat that supports him even though he has been stupid and endangering his life and livelihood? Well, that is not me.
    I know he would never run from me, if
    we could talk through things. He wouldn’t run even if I got really blamey and upset.
    BUT I just don’t know if I want him.
    If we got into a relationship, it would be rock solid unless I was picking up on stuff I don’t like. Much like my best relationship ever, I would be able to do what I wanted and he would be there for me.
    He is a good guy when it comes to relationships.
    But I need more.
    I need a guy who has his life in order also.
    But yes, it is VERY comforting to argue and get upset and knowing it won’t change anything in the greater scheme. Battlescars yes, but no more.
    My ideal relationship would survive anything..

  439.  #439Femininewoman on January 16, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    “It was fun. I was just teasing him.”

    ding ding ding
    Clue about what men like

  440.  #440Tam on January 16, 2013 at 7:29 pm

    Yep, FW…too true. And it works so easily when there is no investment..I had, like, 13 emails and 15 texts from him in the space of 2 hours..made me smile, the ‘man of few words’…and all those compliments..
    and all that because I was just playing without expectation or any other motive..I was walking from the shops and bored…funny.

  441.  #441k2012 on January 16, 2013 at 7:29 pm

    Looking forward to buying Rori’s new book.

  442.  #442Tam on January 16, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    He ended the exchange with a ‘would like to see you’ sentence and I deflected playfully and brought the conversation to an end.
    As that wouldn’t be a good idea. Not now.

  443.  #443Memulo on January 16, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    My cd got us tickets for a concert in April without telling me.

    And I joined a dating site! not much happening there since last night;) I’m crazy busy at work these days. And my cd invited me for a weekend away. I’m going.

  444.  #444Memulo on January 16, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    Yes Tam and Turquoise, it’s all about finding a girl that doesn’t really care for them. Isnt it funny;)
    My cd calls every day, he thinks about the way to see me in mid-week despite my busy schedule, he plans and just tells me what restaurant he are going too. He told me Once that his prior girl really cared for him but wasn’t exciting enough. So he broke up with her and told her so (!) and went back to dating. A couple of months later he met me, his dream. Are they all just nuts?

  445.  #445Indigo on January 16, 2013 at 8:23 pm


    I’ve found, if you are just chatting online, using feeling messages and lots of emoticons is a great way to communicate with a guy (I know Daria talks a lot about using emoticons when chatting by IM or text).

    I feel like I want my feelings and my vibe to “jump off the page” so he can feel it, and this makes him want to phone me or see me. For me, this has worked really well with guys I’ve chatted to.

  446.  #446k2012 on January 16, 2013 at 10:45 pm

    Thanks Indigo. Feeling messages could be ” I feel good talking to u.” Is this an example of a feeling message?

  447.  #447Daria on January 16, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    I don’t think I do. I feel like crying.

    Honestly I want to feel safe that if I DO have screaming blowout fights, that it IS the end, and that it’s ok forcmecto leave.

    I really really don’t want that in my life.

    Praying on my knees please God I want a life without that is that possible for me.

    Please god I don’t think it is but I want that.

    So staunchly pointed toward that.

  448.  #448Indigo on January 17, 2013 at 3:19 am



    I actually smile both inside and outside when I send the message. I believe men can feel it.

    Something like “Ooh, it feels so good to get a message from you 🙂 ”

    or “Aww, I feel all complimented”

    Also, personally, I would try to progress things to talking on the phone and seeing each other in person as soon as possible. As FeminineWoman has also said, a man simply isn’t real until you have met him and spent time together. I don’t mean progressing, as in trying to “make” it happen, but just expressing how you prefer to connect in person and how good that would feel.

  449.  #449Turquoise on January 17, 2013 at 5:00 am

    Hi sirens! I got to see sweetheart for a little while last night. It’s always so pleasant and the more time I spend with him, the more I hate the goodbyes. He brought up marriage again last night in text, wanting to know if things were different, if I’d consider being his wife. I said I’d consider it, but he’d have to actually propose someday to get a more specific answer. He told me he’d marry me in a heartbeat, and that saying good te to me is starting to feel crushing.
    I don’t want to talk about marriage all the time though. I don’t want a proposal to feel like a formality because we’ve already decided it. I told him that I’d want to feel surprised, and once things are more settled (his divorce) we will see what happens.
    I’m glad I get to see some girlfriends this weekend. I need to shift my focus so much from the future, to the present.

    It’s such a wonderful lesson learned that it feels so much better to be with a man who definitely wants you and what you want, than dating a man who is hesitant or flipflops. That may still happen here, but it feels great now!

  450.  #450Sassy on January 17, 2013 at 5:21 am

    New thread up

  451.  #451Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 5:59 am

    Daria: It is possible to have what you want…it really is. I don’t want to be with a man who brings out the screaming fits in me and so I’m not. Whether or not J could handle it is irrelevant because I don’t do it. I don’t do it because he doesn’t do anything to make me want to scream at him. Goes both ways too. You can have a relationship where things just “flow” and screaming fits are not necessary or wanted. I have that so I know others can have it too. If it’s what they want. It’s all in what we want to manifest for ourselves. For me, that is a relationship without conflict.

    Much Love,

  452.  #452k2012 on January 17, 2013 at 6:14 am

    Indigo, thanks for that. I am going to say,” it would feel good to hear your voice though and to see you as well.” I told him already that I need to hear his voice. He joked and said he is going to keep me wanting. I am going to check to see when we started talking regularly.

  453.  #453k2012 on January 17, 2013 at 6:33 am

    Mercedes and other ladies, how are u? What do u think re my posts above? The feeling message I just wrote. I was just thinking that maybe I shouldn’t say anything about seeing him yet, just talk about the phone part since as that would be the next step. Seeing him I know will take a little while and I certainly don’t want to rush him at all. Trust me. I am eager to meet a second cd now but work is so overwhelming that I am not getting much time to go out. Hope I can get to go out this weekend cause trust me ladies when I say that I don’t want to focus on anyone until they step up to claim and COMMIT to me so I am eager to have other options.

  454.  #454Mercedes on January 17, 2013 at 7:30 am

    K2012: We’re all over on the most recent post if you want to join us there. I think your feeling message is just fine. I think just telling him you’re enjoying getting to know him is good. I think I wouldn’t say anything at all about what he wants (relationship, fling, etc) at this point because you are not meeting in person and because he will lead the way. I am a little different than some of the other ladies here in that I would have that conversation if we were heading down a path toward sex (because I won’t have sex with a man who doesn’t want what I want) but in your case, he’s not in front of you right now so I would try to just enjoy the moments in the present and allow him to lead.

    Much Love,

  455.  #455Jan on January 18, 2013 at 10:16 am

    Dear Rory,

    I would buy your new book, but I don’t want an ebook. I would like a regular book. Is one available?

  456.  #456Rori Raye on January 18, 2013 at 10:55 am

    Jan, Hi (I’ve deleted your last name for your web privacy) – long ago I had it in paperback – but the digital age is bigger than ALL of us, and now you can download my NEWEST EDITION (I worked hard, it’s amazing, it’s up-to-date…) on your laptop, your phone, your tablet, your ipad, your computer – any way you like – and then PRINT it out somewhere (that’s what I advise anyway, so you can get a 3-ring binder, print out the workbook pages, punch holes in the paper and put it in the ring binder – Then you can take specific pages with you during the day, do the writing in them, then put them back into the ring binder (or keep the whole thing in your car) – you can use it like a journal this way – while you’re working the Tools 24/7. Love, Rori

  457.  #457Sensiouswoman on January 21, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    I absolutely love Rory’s advice about if having sex too soon will ruin a relationship. I have been struggling with this and experimenting with it and have found what she said to be true.

  458.  #458Maria on January 22, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    I’m so glad that I read this. Mr. H wanted me to come to his house yesterday. I haven’t been there since November when things were starting to go down hill for us. His timing was bad because I was near his house but I had my daughter with me. So I declined… which I kinda felt good about because normally I would come running anytime he wanted to see. He even asked me to turn around when I said that I had already driving well past his house. I had sex with him on our first date and I had regrets about it from day one even though we’ve continued to see each other for over six months now. I was nervous because I’m still trying to learn my feelings and I don’t want to mess things up but I actually liked having sex with him and I was feeling ambivalent. I’ve leaned back completely for 2 weeks now and he contacted me last week but didn’t say much more than hey, then he contacted me again yesterday. I actually like leaning back and letting him chose me. And I like RR’s advice on this subject.

  459.  #459Rori Raye on January 22, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    Maria – Welcome, and I deleted your last name for your privacy…Love, Rori

  460.  #460Samara on February 18, 2013 at 6:25 am

    What do you do if you meet a guy and hit if off. Had two dates and sex. Then he makes a statement that he feels like a number you tell him no deffeneitly no. Then he says well as long as you don’t fall in love we can see each other. Then he starts to ramble about his first marriage in Vegas and then analaled after two weeks. All I did was kiss him to show him that everything if fine. It has been a week now and I did make first contact but I feel he is another one that won’t come back. The problem is I really like him. I have no idea what I should do.

  461.  #461Rori Raye on February 18, 2013 at 7:34 am

    Samara, Welcome, and all you need here is some experience and some SKILLS! with men and dating…Please at least start with my ebook – you’ll get enough skills in there to work with while Circular Dating to see a change in your love life right away. When you can – get the whole collection, the whole catalog – costs not much more than one coaching session with me – and you’ll have all your answers. Love, Rori