If You Only Want Men You Can’t Have…

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Here’s a letter from Jamie, who’s struggling with her own fear of intimacy:

“Rori, He has told me he is not marriage material. Every time I say goodbye to him he treats me good again for a day or two…I know I will be happier if I leave him, so why can’t I? You hear this often I am sure, I was raised in a home were my mother dated a married man for 15 years, she could never have him. I get a lot of male attention, but I usually want the guy that doesn’t really want me, then when he does I see his true colors and then I leave. I bought my first home 3 years ago and am a single mom. I work two jobs and I’m tired. Do you think truly I have a chance of being normal? Jamie”

Jamie’s letter is so great to work with, because she brings up the issue of “normal.”

So – what IS “normal”?

And does it really matter anyway?

Jamie’s mother taught her that she can’t have a good man all to herself.  So she’s attracted to and attracts men who aren’t interested in long-term commitment.

This – for Jamie (and for lots of us women, too) – is NORMAL.

So let’s start with Jamie’s “Normal.”  Let’s say her self-esteem and belief in herself, and her belief that she deserves a great, committed, lifelong marriage are really, really low.  They hardly score on the scale, they’re hanging around the bottom rungs of the ladder, they seem lost forever.

And the end result she wants – a “normal” that looks like Happy Ever After, seems like a rocket ship launch away from her – it seems impossible.

So – what’s the way to start moving up the ladder, weighing in on the scale, finding her man and getting a NEW “Normal”? (There’s a whole section in my Reconnect Your Relationship program around getting a new Normal – you can read more about it and listen to some of it here.)

It’s STEP-BY-STEP.  The only way is to put one foot in front of the other, one moment and one Rori Raye Tool at a time.  The amazing thing is – a few moments, and things change.  They really do.

Here’s a first step for Jamie:

Imagine yourself in a room full of wonderful food, decorations, great music, and hundreds of beautiful men. Imagine your inconsistent man is there.  He’s looking at you, and the expression on his face is distant and cold. Now Imagine that all the hundreds of beautiful faces of the beautiful men in the room who AREN’T your current, inconsistent man are turned to YOU, and that the expressions on all their faces is of desire for you, and a desire to MAKE YOU HAPPY, whatever it takes.

How does that feel?

Most likely, it feels…scary. When we get used to taking crumbs, our systems go on overload if we even IMAGINE having a glorious, full-out, total, committed relationship.

So start with this step of imagining, and we’ll take it from there…

Love, Rori


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