If You Think He’s “Using” You – And You’re Still There – Do This…

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rori willy backyard1The Question:

I have been seeing this man now for almost 5 yrs..on/off…I feel that he is just using me for his own benefit…You say get out there and start bridging..how do you do this when you are emotionally attached.

I feel I need to be home when he calls..I do not trust him..I know for a fact that lies to me quite often and over the littlest things..I guess what I am trying to say..How do I let go, I know this man is not into me like I am into him..

I know he has a so called “female friend”..I must tell you that I have been married for 40 yrs when my husband passed away… Like you said, I give all my time and energy into him, wondering what he is doing and who is he with…I try to keep busy, but it is so hard.

Also, like you said could it be just the challenge of what lie can I catch him in again.. If you have any advice I would like to know how to let him go, because in my heart I know this “so  called relationship” is one-sided..Thank You…”Stepping Stone”

My Answer:

Dear Stepping Stone:

Where we are now is where we are. In a very big way, feeling stuck is the result of fighting where we are.

Analyzing it, trying to get out of it, dissing it, dissecting it…

You already know this is not good for you. You already know he can’t be the one for you because he doesn’t act like he is, or like he thinks YOU are HIS “one.”

You already know you’re not serving yourself well. You already know it’s cutting you off from life, shutting you down, making you feel week – and making you feel like you have no options but him.

The solution lies here:

1.Fall in love with where you are. With the staying home, the pining, the waiting, the pain, the sorrow, the longing, the anger…all of it.

2. Stop fighting any of it. Meaning – just fall on the floor and cry, stare at dustballs, watch the TV non-stop from the floor. Eat ice cream.

3. Once you take the “fight” out of it – it will simply become BORING. Once you stop dissing yourself for “being like this” – you’ll start to want to do other things.

One day, you’ll want to walk down the street.

One day, you’ll want to walk shelter dogs, or read to children at the local woman’s shelter.

One day, you’ll go blonde, or red, or black.You’ll feel “fresh.”

One day, you’ll get dangly earrings and put on makeup and go to a bar by yourself and play pool.

One day you’ll get up early and follow a work-out or yoga video.

One day, you’ll put yourself on match.com, try tinder or bumble, and meet some sub-par men for starters.

One day, a not-so-subpar man will show up and look at you in a great way.

One day, you’ll stop pining for this man you’re pining for now – because you’ll have better things to do.

That could take a year or more (you’ve already given 5 to it). Or, that could take a week.

The less you fight where you are – the faster it’ll go. the more adventurous you can consider yourself, the more fun it’ll be.

Get yourself a coach. There’s nothing to compare with having a great coach who truly has your back. Who’s been where you’ve been and can lead you out of it, personally.

Try my Certified Coaches in the Directory here–>> https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/private-coaching-directory-of-certified-rori-raye-coaches/

I can tell you how many women have seen their lives turn around in weeks when they work with a Rori Raye trained coach who knows how to move you fast through what can take other therapists and coaches a very long time – if ever. I can tell you how many because I get so many letters from so many women telling me exactly how these coaches turned things around.

It’s not magic, but it feels like it.

Start with the steps above, and then tell me how you’re doing after a few sessions with a coach.

Love, Rori





  1.  #1MissStix on July 31, 2016 at 11:36 am

    A beautiful response to a queation so many of us have asked in so many ways.

    “Lay on the floor… Stare at dustballs.”


  2.  #2Femininewoman on July 31, 2016 at 3:17 pm

    Mmmmm. Such easy yet profound lessons

  3.  #3Angela on July 31, 2016 at 11:42 pm

    Oh my god, I feel like screaming with joy. Does someone scream with joy.
    I feel this post deep in my heart.
    I love love love Roris response. I think this has to be my favorite answer ever from Rori.
    It’s filled with so much love. I feel the love. The falling in love with the mess.
    It feels so liberating, “like ok if i fall in love with the mess then maybe I wont beat myself up so bad and then ill find things to do, like volunteering at a dog shelter”
    Thank you Rori.
    I love this. I love you.
    And that picture. I love that picture of you. You look like a goddess and and an angel plus beautiful .

    On my own journey now. With a semi feminine men. I dont know if he’s using me but I guess ill find out.
    He leaned way back when i told him i liked going clubbing and to bars sometimes. And when i told him i was in contact with my ex.
    He said he wanted a true lasting relationship. And a party girl wasn’t going to cut it. Or someone still talking to the ex.
    So either I gave that up or that was it.
    So i gave that up. I feel vulnerable saying it. But thats what happened that was my choice. I am 25 he is 28. But i want it. I want a good man. And yes up front he told me he is jealous and doesnt like his woman around other men. but he said that is my biggest flaw as a partner . And from there on i know how to love and treat a woman so good.
    So this is were i am at now. He has started calling again in the mornings.
    Oh by the way he is the same man i thought was married. Turns out he’s a widow.
    Anyway so thats my story but I’m happy. Happy for now. I feel good around him.

  4.  #4MissStix on August 2, 2016 at 8:58 am

    I had a night last night that felt rejeuvenating deep within my soul. Fire feels cleansing. Wind feels energizing. Music feels uplifting. My immediate purpose feels crystal clear.
    Looks like there may be a storm today. If it manifests I plan to go stand in it and absorb energy. Although an electric storm is called for I don’t feel the currents in the air so i’m not counting on it. Just some wind and rain would feel fabulous anyways. 🙂

  5.  #5Tee on August 3, 2016 at 10:19 am

    Ok Super Smart Sirens

    I have a question(s)/dilemma
    Things have calmed down between E & I lately so we’re soon to be headed back to our “old ways” (but not really, I’ve been practicing my feeling messages)

    I’ve been reading that if a man ASKS that you do something, then its ok…you’re not leaning forward

    How do you proceed if a man seems to have a list of things that he’d like you to do WITHOUT it turning into a situation where not only are you leaning forward, you’re over-functioning!


    He has stated that he’d like me to plan activities for us & Initiate sex &/or tell him that I want sex

    I don’t have the impression that he wants me to do this ALL of the time but I’m seeing that I really have no boundaries when it comes to giving

    Once that ball starts rolling, its easy for me to overdo it & then I’m back to where I was before

    I’m afraid that with all of these things that he’d like me to DO, he’s trying to push me back into the masculine? or is he simply looking for validation/reassurance?

    I really do prefer it when he’s pursuing me & seeking me out. I’m afraid that if I start doing all of these things, what’s left for HIM to do?

    Isnt there a way to validate/reassure him without taking myself out of the feminine?

    The past few days he’s been texting me more & he’s been taking the baby out a little more.

    I’ve been trying to go out more, even if its to roam around at Target’s. It was easy to do that when I was MAD at him in the beginning, now its starting to feel a lot less forced.

    I also have noticed that E doesnt exactly like it much when I’m “out of range”
    He’ll call &/or text…I think….to “make sure” that I’m being a good girl lol

    He took the boy on a short trip for some food with my aunt yesterday. Most times, I’d go with them but I didn’t go.

    I took the opportunity to do my hair & order me a cheesesteak that I could eat ALL ALONE lol

    They weren’t gone a good 15 minutes before E calls me. He wants to know the name of the place where they got food from last time. So I tell him.

    Then he calls back, asks for the number & tries to get ME to call them! Really dude??? LOL I did none of those things lol

    I think its so cute when he gets like that lol

    I like him this was. Communicative, Sweet, Vulnerable, Seeking me out

    its also kinda sad that he really doesnt know how to get what he needs without resorting to acting like a teenager

    Oh well, we’re all still learning & once I get better & better at this…I’ll be teaching 😉

  6.  #6Azure Blu on August 4, 2016 at 1:55 am

    Tee!!!! WOW… lots of changes and growth…
    you were creating space by NOT going on the trip to get food….
    leaning back…
    ENJOYING time with YOU!!!
    and NOT doing masculine things that E was asking you to do!!!
    and it sounds like you weren’t arguing about it…
    YAYAY!! :-))
    and you sound very calm and happy practicing LOVING YOU
    Taking actions that are completely loving toward yourself,
    and continue to make self-love a regular practice. 

    That is how I’ve learned to appreciate and expect
    others to love ME!!! :-))

    I found this that Dominique wrote and 2 links to her pages:
    “So does this mean that you must NEVER initiate,
    that you must allow your man to take charge at all times,
    that he must always come to you, that you must never do for him, give to him?
    Absolutely NO.
    If you feel inspired to reach out to a man
    AS LONG AS you have no expectation of receiving anything back,
    then go ahead.
    In a deeply committed, profoundly intimate,
    love relationship there WILL be more of a FLOW,
    a giving and receiving back and forth.

    But haven’t I said that masculine energy is the DOING,
    FIXING energy, and feminine energy is the BEING, FEELING energy?
    Yes I have, and I’m not contradicting myself here.
    You are not purely feminine energy
    just as your man is not purely masculine energy.
    You carry aspects of both, yet your predominant energy –
    if you’ve been working to step more fully into your feminine essence goddess energy –
    will be feminine energy.
    Yet there are many times throughout a day
    even when you will need to step fully into your masculine energy.
    And there will be other times when you will want to step partially into one
    while still keeping a foot in the other. Like a lovely dance.

    And it’s perfectly okay to lean forward with your man,
    AS LONG AS you are not carrying an agenda,
    expecting something back,
    AS LONG AS your intent is pure,
    a deep desire to flow towards him because it makes YOU FEEL GOOD.


    And when you’ve been in your relationship for any length of time,
    your man will love when you lean forward to him,
    to give to him purely, spontaneously, from the heart,
    whatever this might look like between you.

    The more sensitive you become to yourself,
    to him, to energies,
    the more you peel away your armoring,
    the closer you get to your pure heart, love self,
    the more you WILL be able to feel when you’ve stepped too far over
    into smothering/mothering territory.
    And the line for this can be fine sometimes,
    and it can and will vary depending on circumstance
    and where yours and his energy is in any given moment.”

  7.  #7Azure Blu on August 4, 2016 at 1:59 am

    Tee!!!! WOW… lots of changes and growth…
    you were creating space by NOT going on the trip to get food….
    leaning back…
    ENJOYING time with YOU!!!
    and NOT doing masculine things that E was asking you to do!!!
    and it sounds like you weren’t arguing about it…
    YAYAY!! :-))
    and you sound very calm and happy practicing LOVING YOU
    Taking actions that are completely loving toward yourself,
    and continue to make self-love a regular practice.

    That is how I’ve learned to appreciate and expect
    others to love ME!!! :-))

    I found this that Dominique wrote and 2 links to her pages but my post went
    into moderation so here is a short excerpt… if you go to her site -sexandheart-
    you will find her Amazing posts about leaning forward…

    “And when you’ve been in your relationship for any length of time,
    your man will love when you lean forward to him,
    to give to him purely, spontaneously, from the heart,
    whatever this might look like between you.

    The more sensitive you become to yourself,
    to him, to energies,
    the more you peel away your armoring,
    the closer you get to your pure heart, love self,
    the more you WILL be able to feel when you’ve stepped too far over
    into smothering/mothering territory.
    And the line for this can be fine sometimes,
    and it can and will vary depending on circumstance
    and where yours and his energy is in any given moment.”

  8.  #8Azure Blu on August 4, 2016 at 2:17 am

    i found this that Rori wrote:
    “YES DO RESPOND! Leaning Back and Responding is NOT initiating, Overfunctioning, Giving, controlling, having an agenda… It’s Responding to his Moving Forward.”

  9.  #9Tee on August 4, 2016 at 5:46 am

    My Dearest Azure…as always thank you! Yes, I did enjoy that time to myself. That cheesesteak was soooo freaking good!!! LOL
    E was just checking up on me & being ridiculous. That place he was talking about was around the corner from his Mother’s place.

    He could have easily sent her a text or called her for the information….he’s so silly!

    I almost did argue with him but at the time of his call, I was washing my hair so I was dripping water everywhere lol no time to argue 😛

    I am creating more space. I try not to rush & ask him Whats wrong all of the time.
    I try not to FIX things for him unless he asks. Last night he tells me that he lost his keys on the bus. In my mind, I could see myself fixing it for him. I made no such offer.

    I know he’s upset, but I keep telling myself that he didn’t ask me to do anything, he didnt ask, he didn’t ask. Now if he asks, that’s another matter. This morning, he said Nothing about it.

    I’ve also been talking more, which was one of his “requests”
    A little awkward but nothing major.

    I have been thanking him for his help lately. I probably mentioned this before but he takes issue with me “thanking” him. I’m guessing that he feels it doesn’t make sense to thank him for things that he SHOULD be doing. Maybe I need to ignore his feeling weird about it & continue to say it….or I’ll have to find another word. He gives me the “You’re so odd” look whenever I thank him LOL

    Its funny every-time you mention Dominique, that’s my sisters name & it takes me a second to regroup & realize that you’re not talking about MY Dominique 😛

    I’m currently making a binder of articles that will help me to chill out, something that I can refer to daily.

    I haven’t been there in a while but I do love Dominique’s site. Its so romantic & pretty.
    It looks like Valentine’s Day exploded & I mean that in the best possible way 😉

    I’m shifting between being so fearful & being hopeful. So afraid that this won’t work.
    That we’ll remain stuck in our ways, going round & around until either the ride breaks or someone gets off permanently.

    I’m so grateful for you guys. So glad I found you <3

  10.  #10Azure Blu on August 4, 2016 at 7:44 am

    Tee… Ahhh… this is all so lovely
    I do love the Name Dominique – how wonderful your sister has the same name!
    I agree — her site is SO VERY romantic!!

    Yes… the special posts from all the Sirens and All the Rori tools I have saved over
    the past 3 and half years… I have a folder FULL on my computer that get me
    through each day… somedays I have to read them alllllll day…. :-))

    I don’t know… but for me… I do notice when I use feeling messages
    in the place of Thank you… off and on…
    Like yesterday… My son has college debt and Obama is offering some help
    with student debt… I mentioned it to him and he wasn’t saying anything…
    and I was feeling like it was *ME* who was much more invested in this solution than he was –
    I was getting the phone number and web address-
    and said to him “I am feeling like this is more important to me. Let me know and I’ll stop”
    not in a snarky way… just quietly
    and he said “yes, it is more important to you.”
    Then a little bit later he came back and explained that he really does have a plan
    but needs to wait until he gets his car running first.
    I said “I feel less anxious and acknowledged and cared about when you explain your plan to me.” and He was smilling and said… “REally? I’m glad.”
    Yay to ME… I listened to what *I* was feeling when this happened… and then
    shared those feelings with him…
    It was lovely… a year or so ago that would have turned into an argument and
    voices raised… and MUCH anxiety…
    AHHHHH>>>> the Rori tools feel soo safe, like a warm summer breeze
    softly blowing through my hair.
    WE CAN do this!! :-))

  11.  #11Tee on August 4, 2016 at 9:35 am

    I’m still new at this feeling messages stuff (and so is E) so I guess I’m still looking for reassurance that I’m saying the right things??

    I’m definitely tired of the anxiety and the arguing.

    We dont even argue that much…which means that things tend to build with us.
    I’m tired of that too. I want us to LISTEN to each other.

    Take each other into consideration. I think that E is hypersenstive to being controlled
    His antennas go up IMMEDIATELY & his shuts down if he even senses that thats the direction you’re headed in

    I can do this
    I can do this
    I can do this


  12.  #12Grace on August 4, 2016 at 9:39 am

    OHHHH, Azure #9….okay yes, thank you! It’s so funny how I can feel something so obvious but not be able to put words to it….“I am feeling like this is more important to me.”
    Haha, well, DUH…that’s a feeling I’ve noticed that I haven’t been quite able to describe.
    That’s one of the flavors of feeling “overfunctioning” to me. 🙂

  13.  #13Azure Blu on August 4, 2016 at 1:15 pm

    Grace!! #11
    You’re right… that must have been it!!! I was Certainly OVERFUNCTIONING…
    giving advice, getting in His business and controlling!! Ugh! :-((

    Mmmmm… i feel like i backed out of that rather grace-fully He He… pun intended!!
    and Maybe because I acknowledged my miss step… he felt “inspired” to come back and fill in the blanks – Wow… I feel like I’m getting better at this!!!
    Today, anyway…
    I love doing this!

  14.  #14Azure Blu on August 4, 2016 at 1:19 pm

    I struggle with it also… lots of times I just blurt out whatever is on my mind…
    too loudly and with a negative tone!!!
    I just keep practicing and it becomes even more important to use
    when I see the reaction and the intimacy that
    feeling messages create – like with my son – today!!

  15.  #15MissStix on August 4, 2016 at 4:40 pm


    You are so awesome in your awareness and commitment to becoming more open and communicating.
    Understandings come to us in ebbs and flows and each time they flow we feel more and more comfortable in our process and interactions with others. I believe this is true for anyone genuinely open to learning.

    I’ve been on a learning path for maybe 7 years now and I can’t be certain I will ever truly know if i’m saying or doing the right things so i’m not overly inclined to weigh in on what is right for others at this point. I know i’m doing right because I want to come from a place of growth, acceptance, empathy, authenticity, respect, understanding, intimacy. No one is perfect…
    Knowing this has brought me through a lot of chaos. I may not always say or do the right thing yet I am coming from the right place, for me, therefore life unfolds in wonderful and interesting ways. I’m always on board. Good, bad, ugly.

    Things will fall into place for you because you’ve stepped foot on this path and there’s no turning back 😀 lol
    You’ve got this!

  16.  #16Tee on August 4, 2016 at 7:33 pm

    #14 MissStix,
    Thanks! I had written this whole thing & then my phone started acting up.
    I’ll try again tomorrow lol

  17.  #17Tee on August 4, 2016 at 8:31 pm

    Ok let’s try again. I had wanted to say that despite what E did, which I thought was so very disrespectful, it may have been the best thing for me.

    My biggest fear had been being abandoned. He knows that I have trust/abandonment issues so for him to leave me for a day or two. ..really messed with my mind.

    He claimed that he was working but it really seemed like retaliation for some perceived wrong that I committed against him. Yes, he can be such a toddler. Lol

    I wanted to resort to my usual tactics but I knew that that wouldn’t work. Whether negative or positive, attention is attention and as long as I was focused on him….he knew he had me right where he wanted me.

    I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because I knew what they’d say. It was awful but I know E better than anybody & I knew that I couldn’t behave as expected.

    I kept still & allowed that man complete and total freedom. I didn’t ask questions, I didn’t call or text him. It was killing me but I was convinced that I had to stand my ground & not react to his shenanigans

    When he would call to tell me what was going on, I acted totally bored and ok with the situation. For all I knew, he had found another place to live. That’s how far my brain went with it.

    Yet, I couldn’t throw in the towel. I was more pissed than hurt so maybe that’s what fueled me, the notion that if I throw in the towel first…things will always be this way

    I can’t say how I knew but he came home one day & I knew that the storm was over
    His leaving for a day or so might not seem like much but when you’re someone who has had abandonment /trust issues…each minute without that other person seems like the longest darkest loneliest time in the world

    In hindsight, it may have been some retaliation mixed with some insecurity. Before this whole thing, I had been making subtle changes. Earrings here & there.
    A new pair of sandals & a skirt. Nothing major on its own.

    But I’m wondering if E was starting to feel nervous. As much as he claimed to hate my laser-like focus on him and his every movement…it was something familiar & comfortable to him. So when I took that away & started focusing on me instead, it left him off-balance and unsure. I think his acting out & “disappearing” was his way of trying to pull me back to where he’s still my focus.

    He definitely seemed happy to see us after all of that & he calls me more often these days

    I feel like I survived. I feel like I was caught in a hurricane for a few days & then the clouds parted lol

    I stared those gremlins in the face & won so it would be silly to go back now

    I feel somewhat less anxious too 🙂

    *shrug* we’ll see

  18.  #18Tee on August 5, 2016 at 5:41 am

    So this morning E tries to bait me into an argument LOL or at least it seemed that way to me

    He left his keys on the bus the other night so he was mad about that

    I had to stop myself from automatically trying to save him. I told myself to not doing anything unless he specifically ASKS me. So he did.

    I had keys made yesterday but apparently one of them isnt working which means that he now has to go back to the store. So I’m trying to take my keys off the ring this morning & give them to him

    Somehow in his brain, this is an issue.

    You dont trust me at all, he said. Huh? I was like Dang, you’ve only been up for 5 seconds, I’ve only been up for 2.5 seconds…what happened now? he said something about…how he had “analyzed the situation”

    Wait….what??? Its not even 7am and he’s analyzing situations. What situation? LOL
    I told him that he was thinking Way too hard about whatever he was thinking lol

    He didn’t elaborate on his thought process so I have no clue exactly what he was talking about. I do know that my aunts car keys are also on my keyring so maybe he was referring to that.

    My not trusting him to not use her car. I’ll never know.

    I left the whole key-ring regardless. Let the chips fall where they may if he does anything wrong.

    He also asked me (again) about some flowers that I had received. A few weeks back, as part of this Law Of Attraction group that I’m in, this lady sent out flowers to a handful of us. I thought it would be cool & cheer me up. And yes, I’ll admit….I wanted to get a reaction out of E since I’m always on the receiving end of his crap LOL

    The flowers were gorgeous. They were like these coral-colored roses & I put them on full display. I knew exactly where they came from but I didn’t tell anyone else that. I just let them believe that I had a secret admirer. E didn’t buy it at first, neither did my aunt lol

    I guess over time, I’ve developed a reputation for being sneaky and manipulative to where they wouldnt be surprised if I hadn’t sent the flowers to myself! So it seemed as though E wasn’t bothered by it after a while. This was at the start of this “disappearing” fiasco. He was coming & going..and yup, he had to look at that gorgeous bouquet of flowers that I had received 😛

    Then he made a remark once. Arent they ready to go into the garbage? LOL

    So this morning, again, he asks me….so did you find out who sent the flowers?
    I said, I forgot all about that. I figure it was someone around here but I wasn’t trying to think too hard about it.

    So they couldn’t have come from me huh? I say, I knew they didn’t come from you. You would have brought me flowers, it wouldn’t make sense for you to have had them sent to me.

    Sooooooo I’m wondering if that stung him a little bit and MAYBE that’s what he was referring to when he said….You dont trust me at all.

    I can never tell with this dude. He claims that he really doesnt try to look for arguments but I’m not entirely sure. Maybe he just isn’t skilled in bringing up matters that are “problematic” for him?

    *shrug* I have a weird feeling that this isn’t over & its funny because I’m still not sure what *this* is LOL

    I have a feeling that he’s gonna call me with his shenanigans smh 😛

  19.  #19Femininewoman on August 5, 2016 at 6:44 am

    Tee I’d encourage you not to “I told him that he was thinking Way too hard about whatever he was thinking lol”. This kinda think can hit the psyche as very disrespectful. It is his thought energy and head space to do whatever he feels like doing with it.

    Sending flowers to yourself would be honoring yourself if they are something you like to receive so many if you do that every now and again it might inspire E to do it more often. Guys can sniff out strategy and manipulation very quickly so I’d suggest make your actions inspired from the heart

  20.  #20Tee on August 5, 2016 at 7:08 am

    #18 Ahhh FW thank you for your take on this.

    I do say that pretty often to E…telling him that he’s thinking too hard.

    Sometimes his thoughts about me really go too far. For example, I could tell him that I forgot something at the store because my mind was somewhere else.

    He’ll come back & say something like….You were probably on your cellphone talking to whoever you were talking to in one of your Facebook groups and thats why you forgot to get the bread, am I right?

    First off, I hate hate HATE when he says that. “Am I right?”

    Secondly its like Dude, where did you get all of that from? I forgot because I forgot. I wasnt on my phone, I was actually debating on whether or not I felt like picking something up from McDonalds but I could see that the line was too long and I didnt really feel like waiting, etc

    Thats just an example but he does that alot. Just go completely left with his thoughts & yes, I find THAT annoying but you’re right. His thoughts are his whether they’re going left or right or in circles lol what would YOU suggest when he says things like that?

    As per the flowers, my initial thought about them wasnt manipulation. I had thought about flowers because…well flowers are cool & pretty! So when the lady in my group said that she’d surprise the first 10 ladies who e-mailed her with flowers…I couldnt resist.
    I didn’t think about how E would respond or what he’d think until AFTER he started “acting up”…then I started to think that those flowers might come in handy

    But yes, I would like them more often from him so thank you for your advice

    I love you guys 😛

  21.  #21Femininewoman on August 5, 2016 at 7:39 am

    Regarding the thoughts it caused me to feel squirmy. It hit my psyche as criticism. I’d just tell him “that didn’t feel good to hear” or I feel pushed in a corner when I hear things like that because I go into thinking I am being critcized. Just experiment with different ways of using words to see how it makes you feel and how he reacts. Like just plain “that didn’t make me happy” or when I heard that I felt squirmish or I felt like a two year old being reprimanded when I heard that.

  22.  #22Tee on August 5, 2016 at 9:29 am

    #20 Thank you FW
    Yes I have to play around with it because E doesn’t appear to know how to ACCEPT emotions or at least the way that I was dishing them out. He feels that I somehow am always mad or taking things the wrong way, getting my feelings hurt, etc

    So my guess is that he doesnt know which way is up because I havent been using my words/feelings/emotions in a way that he can hear/accept/acknowledge & respond to?

  23.  #23Tee on August 5, 2016 at 7:29 pm

    I have to get this out before I fall asleep. I know things are definitely different now.
    I had a conversation with E this afternoon which isn’t unusual but what Was unusual was the fact that I felt detached from my emotions

    I don’t mean that in a bad way. Typically when I’m trying to talk to him, I trip over my words, I’m nervous, I’m frustrated, I’m angry and probably hurting so my voice might be trembling as I fight back tears.

    This would be the height of my anxiety and of course we’d get nowhere. Actually, I’m starting to see that talking is becoming useless around here…again, at least how I’ve been doing it

    I’m so proud of myself. I sounded clear, focused, passionate, compassionate, etc
    I’m not great with the feeling messages yet but I made sure that I said things like, I hear you & I get you…..or That wasn’t my intention or my intention was, etc etc

    This is HUGE for me. It’s been so hard for so long when I’d try to express myself, I always felt like I was on the verge of being a weeping mess

    I’m not even sure if E received, accepted & took in what I said. A small part of me doesn’t care either because I am so happy with myself for having made it. I’ve achieved a form of detached yaaaayyyy! But I do care, I do but I’m really happy with myself right now ☺

    I do have a question. I know that we’re in the very early stages of figuring out how to properly and effectively communicate with each other so I’m gonna assume that all isn’t lost just yet lol

    But, how do you communicate with someone who mirrors what you say?

    I could tell E that I’m unhappy (I actually said this)…he says, I’m unhappy too
    E, I’m sad. Well I’m sad too!

    He listens not to hear me but to respond
    He mainly hears through action I think.
    He looks to see if changes are happening after he’s made an effort to drop hints

    I did explain that to him, that I need direct questions & information…not hints and such

    He went out with friends tonight so I made sure to tell him that I appreciated his honesty & letting me know what was going on & that I hope he has a good time

    He didn’t say much lol

    I’m feeling so many things. I’m feeling encouraged yet I also wonder just how much “work” E is gonna require

    He’s not a bad guy but he is stubborn & defiant. I don’t know that he deals with emotions well & it seems like he functions strictly from a physical standpoint meaning that words don’t count for much with him while I favor words

    He talked about not seeing me do this or that. He talked about the fact that I don’t approach him for sex despite the numerous times he’s mentioned it

    I feel like I’m talking Spanish while he’s speaking Italian smh


  24.  #24MissStix on August 5, 2016 at 7:52 pm


    Yep, it looks like plain old lack of effective communication. Both of you having road blocks to expressing thoughts and feelings and recieving thoughts and feelings on an honest and vulnerable level and with acceptance.
    I mean… Couples can bicker yet in highly functional partnerships there comes a point sometime after where there is a shedding of ego and a rational discussion…Apologies, and demonstrations that both people have a grasp on what happened, why, and a plan for a more effective approach next time. Both people being consciously invested in growth.

    I could see the flowers (or anything – it’s metaphorical) having a much more beneficial effect when presented with authenticity.
    “Aren’t the gorgeous? A lady from this group online sent them out to some of us. I love getting flowers!”
    I’m convinced the cure for toxicity comes from a very genuine place.
    At the very worst it gets us to a point of a willingness to purge it from our lives. At the best it inspires others to choose to grow along with us.

  25.  #25MissStix on August 5, 2016 at 8:00 pm

    Tee #22

    This looks amazing. I understand the “detatched” you’re talking about. I’ve felt that too. It feels powerful in a way because it’s like the anxiety lifts it’s curtains for a while and you can feel what it’s like to just speak and not stumble. Regardless of how it’s recieved.

  26.  #26MissStix on August 5, 2016 at 8:03 pm

    E won’t take any work. The work you do is for you and he can be inspired by your growth. 🙂

  27.  #27Tee on August 5, 2016 at 10:47 pm

    #23 MissStix,

    Yes, it feels powerful to finally be above that shaky feeling. I always wanted to be on the other side of it, just wasn’t sure how to get there

    True, the flower deal could have been dealt another way. He’s still wondering where/who they came from & they’ve already been tossed out

    Exactly, lack of effective communication. No one’s truly to blame though. It’s a skill that wasn’t taught by my parents, certainly not his. I don’t want it to continue on, I want us to hear each other and even after this afternoon lol I’m still a little worried

    Inspire, inspire, inspire. That’s hard because I fear that in my growth, he’ll be left behind.
    Not saying that I’ll purposely derail myself but I can see that that’s a soft spot.

    I know that this is different but I do that alot with people that I care about, I slow down so that they can catch up. I fear that they wont.

    It’s probably rude and presumptuous to assume that they wont/can’t but it’s something that I’ve noticed that I do

  28.  #28Femininewoman on August 6, 2016 at 3:43 am

    Tee – words mean more to women than men so you will find that type of thing with most men. They are about action. Emotions are contagious so whatever you emote it is normal for others to catch. Him reflecting it back is like your mirror. Trying to stay in your happy place regardless of what is happening around you could help you see how he responds when you do.

    When he tells you he is going out wish him fun and enjoyment with his friends. That would be new for you right? So it’d be sure to get his attention and build mystery because then he likely will wonder what’s happening. Next make sure you do something fun when he is gone so if he asks later your are radiating happiness from the inside because you feel so satisfied.

    Have you ever tried pleasuring yourself in his presence? I’d suggest you try it. Talk to yourself, talk out how you feel turned on and maybe talk with your body parts. If you are uncomfortable talking out loud then do it in your mind, visualize doing it. Even while in bed you can choose to let him know that if he feels you moving it is because you are going to pleasure yourself because it feels so……………………………………….and this is what you want right now to make you feel……………………………………….You could even invite him to join you in helping you feel orgasmic. Just try it and see what happens

  29.  #29Tee on August 6, 2016 at 4:23 am

    #27 FW,

    I did say those words to him last night about him having a good time while out. Of course I got no response other than OK (shrug)
    Going out without him is tricky at night because I have the baby & I try to keep him on schedule. However, I can probably play around with that depending on the babys mood

    Our son Isiah definitely has his Dad’s trait of wanting to get up & go sometimes no matter what time it is lol so I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to take advantage of that on occasion

    I have noticed that that has also been the times when the sadness /emptiness has hit me because he’s gone. I try not to indulge in that anymore. I get online, I play music, watch a movie or just go to bed

    Ugh this non-verbal man stuff is like living in a silent picture. Hopefully I’ll get better at reading him

    No, haven’t pleasured myself in front of him or at all in ages! I suffer from low sexual desire. It could be my birth control but with my medical history, I don’t have many options sad story

  30.  #30MissStix on August 6, 2016 at 11:47 am


    I’d like to suggest to you to touch yourself in other ways.
    Do you have spots that feel SO good to be caressed? For me it is my inner forearms, belly, collar bone area.
    Just spend a few minutes every day…Close your eyes, caress your skin, breathe, focus on how great it feels right down to the teeny tiny nerve impulses and tingles. And remind yourself that YOU are the most qualified person in the world to make YOU feel good.

    This is not sexual… Not intended to increase sex drive, libido or whatever. It is getting in touch with sensation and creating good feelings for yourself. You can even do this when you feel shaky during communication. I stroke my inner wrists and it helps ground me within my own body. It calms me down a bit. Reminds me that my shakiness is also just a sensation in my body and I can redirect myself to focus on the better feeling sensation i’m creating.

    Not to have an agenda but at this point sometimes when i’m rubbing my own neck or caressing my own skin in front of my bf, he actually jumps in and starts taking over.
    Which was a wonderful unexpected positive to come out of the practice.

  31.  #31Tee on August 6, 2016 at 11:50 am

    So I need to vent/share. I know that I told E to have fun but I don’t really mean it lol being honest. He apparently went bar-hopping with co-workers last night. E is really into “documenting” things, making little videos of him & his adventures.

    Not all of the time but fairly often. Yesterday was no different. So this morning he watches the video from his night out. After a few minutes of listening (I didn’t watch it, he didn’t show me & it was hard not to hear it)….I found myself getting upset

    Obviously there was a woman in the mix & it sounded like flirting to me. Was she the only one there? No. I’m pretty certain that there’s more going on in my brain than in reality but nonetheless I felt myself closing off

    My mind had already decided that they had exchanged numbers & I’m on my way to being replaced. I tried focusing on my son so that made it easier at first. Then the video was over & life went on.

    It couldn’t have been a long video by any means. I do remember E laughing, some chick cursing, him asking if she was ok, a few cracks about the job and I think that was it….or what I remember of it, my interpretation of it

    I did notice with myself that this is how it starts. The “paper trail ” so to speak between his actions, my thoughts, then my vibes, then attitude

    He would try to talk to me & then (after everything that I had been thinking) I’d just have all types of an edge to my voice or I’m huffing & puffing around the house

    He’d ask me if anythings wrong, I’d deny it or I’d make some snide remark that I would hope that would make him feel as miserable as I was feeling

    I don’t think that I did that this morning so I’m proud of myself for that yet I still feel lonely and crushed

  32.  #32Tee on August 6, 2016 at 11:52 am


    Good question. I have to think about that. :/

  33.  #33MissStix on August 6, 2016 at 1:56 pm

    To be honest… I feel tensed up reading your post about the video.
    I guess it is triggering old feelings from my past relationship. How angry and stopped up I used to feel. Like a cork in my throat and the pressure would build and build and then one day it would pop and I’d have to drive on a rural road and scream out my rage.
    I remember my drunk husband getting a ride home from a drunk 18 year old female co-worker… Sparking our first ever actual fight in 7.5 years. Because I finally told him how I felt in the moment and he called me crazy and jealous. Crazy and jealous for feeling worried and upset that I was married to someone who would even consider that OK for a second let alone actually do it.
    It wasn’t the last straw…. The last straw was his ignorance towards his little daughter when she called us up crying and it was “too early” in the morning for him to talk to her. Just a week or so after that incident.

    This is probably coming up now because my cousin just brought him up the other day and called him a loser. So his image is recent in my mind. Nothing to do with you Tee.
    I should thank you for giving me something to process lol
    Why do I care right now?

  34.  #34MissStix on August 6, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    Goog lord I married a very toxic man. I don’t think i’ve fully accepted that I did something so insane. I knew how toxic he was but he was quite decent for a year leading up to our engagement.

  35.  #35Tee on August 6, 2016 at 2:52 pm


    I appreciate your honesty. I feel the same way at times. That E is toxic & sometimes I feel like E is the wrong man for me. Yet this is who he’s always been. He hasn’t changed much since high school. I’ve changed.

    I’ve become insecure & dependent.
    E doesnt distinguish between male & female friends. He’d give Jane a ride at 3am, just as he’d give John a ride too if he needed it

    To him, there’s no difference. When I try to explain that it looks bad & gives off the wrong impression. He then says that he knows his heart (and I should too) so who cares what others think

    He really sees nothing wrong.
    In theory, I get what he’s saying
    My heart is another matter at times

    So I guess I consider him to have toxic tendencies because he won’t change for me….I figure if he loved me he would

    Of course these aren’t everyday occurrences & he has toned it down but I can still be triggered

  36.  #36Tee on August 6, 2016 at 9:00 pm

    I see now that I’ll probably be spending a lot of time around here riffing/venting. Better than letting it roam freely through my head.

    I was really caught up in my thoughts & I really didn’t wanna go anywhere today but I have a 2 year old that demands it. So before leaving, I grabbed my binder full of notes & read a little bit before heading out

    It’s awesome to know that I have the power, any power, all power….to inspire change in myself and others. It’s very comforting & freeing yet I want to be taken care of

    I feel that I want his undivided attention, maybe I did have it at some point
    Now there are days when I feel like I yearn to be SEEN & I cant say for sure that I am

    E did call me from work to find out what was going on at home, then he faced-timed me so that he could see the boy.
    He must have been on break.

    I only had on a t-shirt so I made sure that the phone was angled away from me
    I caught a glimpse of a female coworker & it brought it all back & I felt foolish

    It seemed like such a mundane thing. Such a “regular” looking girl just sitting there as opposed to the hottie that I had made up in my mind. She wasn’t even sitting next to him but sorta a table or so away from him

    She may not have even been the same girl but I felt dumb nonetheless but I do that,
    I envision E being with someone who is also outgoing, wears make-up, stylish, confident, assertive, etc….everything that I feel I’m not & it just fuels my insecurities without him saying a word

    The notes helped & everyone pretty much says the same thing; Take the Focus Off Of Him. Get busy with Your Life. Don’t Chase Him, etc

    I feel like I’m getting it or at least projecting the image of someone who has it….on the surface anyway

  37.  #37MissStix on August 7, 2016 at 8:24 am


    My ex really was toxic. Very, very. So was I in my way… But I mean… Without going into detail, it’s disturbing looking back.

    You are doing good inner work and I doubt there’s anything happening in your realm nearly as nauseating as what happened in mine back then.
    Don’t want you to think I think E is like my ex…

  38.  #38Tee on August 7, 2016 at 1:11 pm

    #36 (((MissStix)))

    I’m glad that you got away from your toxic ex.
    Lol I think that I find E nauseating because I can’t “control” him. Actually, I’m not truly trying to control him. It’s more like I’m trying to control my insecurities/anxieties Through him.

    Kinda like if he doesn’t go out so much, then I won’t have to worry about being abandoned
    If he doesn’t associate with any women, then I won’t have to deal with thoughts of “competition” and such

    E is essentially the middle man. Stuck between myself and my issues as it all gets played out & sorted out

    Like I make it his fault (subconsciously) that I’m this way, instead of addressing it directly
    I really did feel that way, that if he would just Do these things for me, I’d feel better about myself & better about US as a couple

    So his not doing these things serves so many different purposes. It keeps us from deeper intimacy while keeping me from really exploring my end of this because I’m too busy monitoring his end.

    Aside from all of that, I really do feel like he cured me. I don’t think I’m totally out of the woods but I do feel like I’ve gained just enough distance to see things from a better angle

  39.  #39Tee on August 8, 2016 at 2:30 am

    Ok so I think that Round 2 of E’s shenanigans are currently underway.

    So on Wednesday, I believe, E lost his keys on the bus & was pretty pissed. Yeah, I wanted to swoop down & help but I stopped myself & waited for him to ask

    He asks. 3 keys needed to be made. I completely forgot about the 3rd and only get 2 made. 1 of which doesn’t work so he’s sorta been without keys to some degree

    The first day or so took some coordinating. Then it dawned on me that this man doesn’t seem too concerned about getting his own damn set of keys made

    I mentioned it twice but No Go.
    HOWEVER, let me back up a bit.
    Friday, E calls me at the job & we talk.
    I didn’t mean to have THE TALK with him but, in hindsight, it sounded very much like THE TALK. This same talk that I was so geeked over lol

    I leave work & wait for the #7 bus. I’m still on the phone with E. The bus pulls up & it’s super crowded. I pass & wait for the next one. I ask E to get the boy from daycare since I’m not sure if I’ll be late. I get on the next #7 & I get off where I wait for the #79 bus that leads to home

    While at the bus stop, I had a very brief conversation with this bearded dude…we essentially spend 10 minutes talking about the #7 bus

    The #79 bus comes, we get on. I get off. The end. I get home & my aunt wants us to run an errand for her. Ugh! Ok fine. Me, E and the baby get in the car and take off.

    As we’re riding along, guess who I see standing on one of the corners we rode by…..that same bearded dude! I automatically, without thinking, wave to the dude lol

    He waved back lol
    E was like Sooo was that the dude who sent you flowers?
    I was like Nooooooo man.
    He was like You had to have talked to him before. I said, Yeah before I got home…we were talking trash about the #7 bus

    Yeah, that ruffled his feathers a bit. It wasn’t my intention though

    We go to Walmart so he can pick up some Tums. This is where i mention getting keys made the first time. No one gets keys made at Walmart, hE said. Ok fine, i figured he had a point since thats where i had them made before & they screwed it up lol

    However, theres a Home Depot practically right next door to Walmart. Does he stop to do the key thing? Nope

    He went out with some friends later that night….I told him to have fun. You know the rest

    Saturday, E goes to work for like 12 hours.
    He calls me, then hangs up…calls back to FaceTime the baby. He comes home & sleeps. I had taken the boy out of course for a good portion of the day so when Sunday morning hit, my feet & knees were aching

    (Definitely need to lose weight )

    Around 9:30 I decide to head over to my mom’s to do laundry and hang out with my sister. E calls about an hour or so later wondering where we went

    He’s off work, he says something about going to get something from around his mom’s way & that’s the last that I heard from him

    My feelings about this change kinda often.
    I flip between thinking that this whole thing is amusing yet also stupid

    I feel like he’s retaliating again or more accurately, trying to pull me back again to where my every thought & concern is him

    He’s had plenty of opportunities to get those keys made but I feel that he doesn’t want to because as long as he has “no keys”….I kinda have to be on guard as to when he’ll show up so that I can let him in

    The whole bearded dude thing messed with him, the flower thing is/was still on his mind plus here I am acting totally unbothered by it all …….so he pulled out his best tactic. The one that was always “guaranteed” to push me over the edge: The Disappearing Act

    I haven’t called or texted of course. I feel like I wish he could /would just verbalize his concerns. I deal better with solutions, plans, conversations yet it’s obvious that words aren’t working with this dude

    I almost feel bad for him. Like he’s slowly becoming unglued. Of course this is all speculation but the fact is that he’s been pulling this act alot lately and it just so happens to coincide with the changes I’ve been making

    He complained so much about me “watching him” & being “on his heels” …..now that I’m not…it’s like watching a baby throw a tantrum
    A very silent tantrum but still a tantrum

    I feel like my dreams of a real solid healthy family are fading away
    At this moment, I do feel sad but I also know that things change

    I’ll get up, go to work, read more of my notes and I’ll feel better & know that I’m doing the right thing

    Lol E will call me with the bs & I’ll be unbothered by it again


  40.  #40Tee on August 8, 2016 at 6:15 am

    ok guys, I feel really down right now. I swear you just never know where your emotions are gonna take you

    I feel anxious, on edge and uncomfortable with this entire thing. Sorry for the 20 different novels that I’ve left on here lol
    Its either that or go insane or call my friend for the 80th time (I know she’s sick of me…us lol)

    I just want things back the way that they use to be but clearly the way things “use to be” wasn’t all that.
    Not bad but just kinda “meh”

    I want great, I want spectacular! I want relationship awesomeness!
    I feel like I’m turning into the Grinch. I see people in love and getting married all over Facebook (funny how it seems that way)
    while I feel like I’m the furthest thing from that at the moment so of course it makes me wanna puke lol

    Maybe its not exactly Armageddon but when its happening to you & you’re in the thick of it. It all seems so doom & gloom

    So E calls me this morning, sounds like he was on the bus. He asks me where I was.
    I’m like Ummm I’m on my way to work. He asks if I left the doors unlocked.

    Umm no. I told him that I thought that he was gonna leave for work from wherever he was
    He’s all like Tee, I dont have any keys. I’m like Wait a minute, you’ve had plenty of opportunities to get you some keys

    He said that I had the keys. I said I asked you twice about the keys, didn’t I ask you in Walmart if you were gonna do the key thing?
    What did you say? We went right by Home Depot where you could have had them made.

    I dont get a call from you, a text, no nothing…how am I supposed to know anything?

    He was speechless. For the first time in…maybe EVER…I rendered the man speechless.

    Then he was like, I’ll see you later. Then we hung up.

    So basically I was supposed to get him another set of keys, plus wait around for him to get home whenever he decided to show the hell up?

    And what’s HE doing while I’m running around for him? Nothing. Not at all. Why must I do everything? If it was important to him…
    He would have had them made but he was too busy trying to go out with his co-workers or just doing alot of nothing.

    It really wasnt my intention to let off steam that way. Actually it was pretty mild, the whole thing considering but it still felt uncomfortable to me

    I’m very much use to handling most things for him. The old me definitely would have run out & had another set of keys made with special colored keys, keyring lol the whole bit

    Like I told him, he had time but I see now that he figured I would do it. And why not, Tee has done everything else so far so why not this too

    I hate this. I hate the uncomfortableness of it. I’m so anxious right now & its weird but I bet I’m probably more upset over this than he is
    He didn’t sound angry or pissed. He was speechless because he knew that I was right. And its not even about being right.

    To me, it was about priorities. It was more important to him to pick up another dang t-shirt than to get some keys.

    But like I said, I see now that he thought that I’d do it. I’d pick up his slack so that he can keep his mind on the fun stuff, let Tee handle the “grown up” stuff like making sure that I have keys so that I can get in the house smh

    Well he wont be getting into the house today, not until I get off from work. Yeah, score 5 points for me but it does not in any way feel victorious

    I desperately want this anxiousness to go away. I so want(ed) to cave just so that I can go back to where I feel comfortable & not on edge

    But thats a lie. I was on edge, just a different edge

  41.  #41Azure Blu on August 8, 2016 at 10:15 am

    Magnificant Siren!!!
    Wow… lots of hugs – applause – and fireworks !!!
    You Are Doing great!!!
    Yes, I know… It always feels SOOOOO VERY uncomfortable and
    causes me MUCH anxiety to make changes…

    It makes me smile when you say you “grab your notebook and read more about the Rori tools” to help you through the day!!
    Cause that is definetly what I do too!!

    It makes me feel good to hear MissStix say she has been practincing the Tools for 7 years!!
    Sometimes I feel so inept, slow to grasp these wonderful, life changing tools,
    But it Must be a lifelong journey
    and I do remember Rori saying… “there is NO THERE” it is only RIGHT NOW…
    Strange, everchanging, glorious NOW!!

    I love this:
    “I kept still & allowed that man complete and total freedom. I didn’t ask questions, I didn’t call or text him. It was killing me but I was convinced that I had to stand my ground & not react to his shenanigans.”
    To me is sounds like you opened your fists and let go… let go of trying to be in control… Just beautiful!!

    And yes, if the man I was living with disappeared for 1-2 days I’d be VERY upset!
    You are Right – THAT IS disrespectful!!!

    I also loved when you told him you appreciated him telling you where he was going and to have a good time….

    And I know you are saying that E probably isn’t as upset as you…
    BUT I’m farely certain – with all these shinanigans escallating – and you
    standing your ground…
    he is EXTREMEly uncomfortable and upset…
    I can’t tell you enough how amazing
    that you are changing the dynamics of you and him and
    You DIDN’T get his keys made… or rescue him…
    it is so GOOD for YOU – Your self esteem – when you
    do this!! I have found when I stand up for me…
    it is ME loving ME!!! and it feels uncomfortable at first…
    but – just like you are doing – it becomes a requirement
    for me – the longer I practice!!!
    love and hugs – to you – inspiring Siren!!!

  42.  #42Azure Blu on August 8, 2016 at 10:19 am

    Tee #40
    this is perfect what you wrote
    “I want great, I want spectacular! I want relationship awesomeness!”
    And you deserve all of that!!!

  43.  #43Tee on August 8, 2016 at 10:47 am

    ((Azure)) I love you guys! I feel so alone especially since I cant tell anyone else. Their advice would have been to just dump him, file for child support and move on with my life.
    (I’ve thought about that)

    but that’s not really solving much. I’d still have to deal with E for another 15 or so years because of our son.
    This does nothing to “combat” the fact that E is an emotional wildcard. He really doesn’t seem to understand or care about boundaries

    If I think he’s a challenge to deal with now. It would be nothing compared what I’d have to face if I ended it. He’s already unpredictable (sorta) as it is.

    I cant deal with an unpredictable heartbroken possessive father lol I swear he was raised by wolves LOL

    I’m in the midst of making yet another binder full of articles (sheesh its alot)
    Its been keeping me busy & sane today. It is so very uncomfortable but I have to give up my comfort NOW for something better later
    I just really cant keep doing this, its so stupid

    He knows he’s being disrespectful. He’s playing the only card that he has left in the hopes that it’ll get me to snap back.
    usually it has worked. Now it just dumb. I try to focus more on what I’d like to accomplish rather than the disrespect.

    The gremlins are out in full force trying to join forces with my ego & ruin it all. This is why I felt like I lost just a tiny bit of cool today
    Not too much. I know that I was cool because he didn’t follow suit & argue. He was stumped which surprised me because he always has a way of twisting things around on me

    And to make matters even MORE challenging, even Isiah has been acting up lately too.

    I dont know if its because of whats going on with me & E or if its just because he’s 2 1/2 and that’s just par for the course

    He’s been having more tantrums, throwing things at me…he even bit me on Saturday.

    I officially live in a nuthouse with these 2 characters! I hope that he is uncomfortable & upset. He should be! Thank you for saying that.

    I will continue to smile, pay no mind to his antics and just be cool although I swear my heart feel just so ALLLOONNEEE

    Not so much alone because of him but alone because I feel like I have no one to talk to about this that can guide me & be objective without being judgemental

    Soooooo that leaves me with my written on-going saga and cheesesteaks lol

  44.  #44Femininewoman on August 8, 2016 at 11:25 am

    Keep writing hon. It is therapeutic. Plus you get to read back and see your way through more clearly.

    I love it that he was speechless when he heard you hadn’t made the keys. Now you are not predictable anymore. Get used to saying and thinking of him as a grown man who knows what he wants and will take care of things. Let him know you trust him and respect his decisions so you don’t want to provide unsolicited advise or help.

    When he disappears if you feel unsafe let him know. If you feel worried for his safety that is what you want to be communicating rather than just wanting to know where he is. Find a way to let him know feeling secure is important to you and what you need to feel secure.

  45.  #45Tee on August 8, 2016 at 2:20 pm

    #43 FW

    I think my issue, as usual is that I don’t know what he’s doing. Of course I hear about it after the fact but by then, my imagination has a death-grip on me. I’ve already killed him, ran him over because he has another family & 12 other kids

    When I try to explain, he gives me the “you watch too much tv” face

    He tells me all the time that he mostly keeps to himself, that I won’t ever hear anything about him & anybody else, he does the same things, goes to the same places, etc

    Ok that’s about 90% accurate.
    E believes that as adults, as long as we’re not cheating, we can do whatever we want
    He has said that he’ll always come back

    This isn’t his normal behavior by any means & it’s not mine lately either

    I think I’m concerned about his fidelity & him being out there making me look stupid for being with him

    I hate not knowing & he feels like it’s pointless to keep telling me what’s going on because it doesn’t change much

    But E is the kinda guy that talks anyway
    As long as we’re not talking about Us and getting all heated…he can talk about anything so his stories are pretty consistent when he gets in the house

    His coworkers, what happened at the job, what happened at the bar, who did what, who might need their grass cut, etc

    Just the whole not knowing this & not being able to stop this is really really digging at me

  46.  #46Azure Blu on August 8, 2016 at 2:42 pm

    Feminine Woman,
    ” Get used to saying and thinking of him as a grown man who knows what he wants and will take care of things. Let him know you trust him and respect his decisions so you don’t want to provide unsolicited advise or help.”

    I was just watching some online videos that John Wineland has put together
    about the glorious difference in men and women….
    How we need to practice giving appreciation and praise for what we do want from men… because most of us have gone VERY far over the other way…
    negative about ALL we don’t like… :-))
    and EVERYONE is MORE inspired by positive appreciation when we’ve done something right!!
    I know I have made a major shift with this… although I notice I have to fight the urge to be negative the more emotionally close I get to a man…

  47.  #47Tee on August 8, 2016 at 4:44 pm

    #45 Azure,

    I admit that my attitude towards E has not been the greatest. I practically roll my eyes when I see him. He’s just such an Alpha & I can just imagine how much “trouble” he’s been in previous relationships.

    I can totally see a woman being fascinated by his happy, fun-loving side then, wanting to strangle him a year or so later because he can’t seem to sit still

    It’s very enticing. He’s like a bad-boy wrapped up in a good guy. A clueless guy, but a good guy.

    He just moves to his own beat & doesn’t care what people say or think. Yet at the same time, he’s very helpful and caring and he likes to be around those he loves, etc

    He’s weird about me saying Thank You & I’m not feeling too appreciative these days but I can find something eventually :/

  48.  #48Tee on August 8, 2016 at 10:38 pm

    I almost don’t know what to say. Still no E.
    Wouldn’t it be easier to just stop being a douchbag & just get your damn keys made?
    What is he trying to accomplish? What is he trying to prove? It seems like an awful lot to go through over some keys although I’m pretty certain that it’s not strictly about the keys. Not anymore. Maybe it never was?

    Once again, he has plenty of time to seek me out to get the keys. I feel like this is/has turned into a “if she wants me to stay, she’ll get keys for me” power move. Which, again is stupid and childish and stubborn.

    What happened to all that crap he was talking…..about me getting my own life? Own friends? Me not focusing on him so much? My oh my how the mighty have fallen!

    I did have someone tell me years ago that E would become somewhat unstable if we broke up & how he was emotionally dependent on me. I didn’t buy it.

    Not saying that he is unstable but E has always appeared to be the more solid unaffected one. Like he could literally walk away from anyone & not even break a sweat

    I think that that scared me. Knowing that I have poured my heart & soul into him and he could just leave like I’m nothing so I guess I did way too much to try to be someone that you wouldn’t wanna leave :/

    I’m not asking him to leave, I don’t want him to leave but I also don’t want this game-playing yet I see that that’s what it’s become

    Or maybe not so much a game but an unusual extended cry for attention
    Any other time, I would have called his phone 45 times getting upset…trying to find out where he was, is he coming home, I thought we went over this yada yada

    (Sigh) why must I be tested?

  49.  #49Tee on August 9, 2016 at 6:06 am

    actually, E came in about 2 minutes after I posted this. I immediately shut my phone off & put it under my pillow. LOL

    This led to me getting up late because I have an alarm set on my phone (real smart lol)
    So he comes in the downstairs door.

    Not sure how he pulled that off & then I hear him coming up the stairs
    He tries to open our door, sees that its locked & then knocks.

    I go to open the door about a minute later. Granted, its late & the lights in our apartment were off but I caught a glimpse of him thanks to the light in the hallway

    He looked really tired. He looked beat. Like a kid that’s been outside for too long.
    We didn’t speak. I just let him in & he laid down to go to sleep.

    This morning, I ask him if he had to go to work, was he getting keys made today, was he coming straight home. He said Yes. Not sure which part he was saying Yes to though
    I probably shouldn’t have asked that many questions but I felt that I was running late & was trying to get answers before we both went to work & got busy

    I attempted to leave him my keys but he said that he wouldn’t need them until he got in.
    And that was that. Oh and I noticed a nice bottle of vodka that he had with him. Didnt notice it last night.

    E is mainly a beer guy. Every so often he’ll have actual liquor but not too often.
    So apparently he had to be carrying that mess around. So maybe you were right Azure, he was extremely upset.
    When E is acting/looking all solemn & there’s liquor around…it usually means something isn’t right with him.

    The last time he got like that was right after his Godmother was killed & after his Mom had her stroke

    of course, I’m speculating again. I find it hard to believe that that would have anything to do with me but like I said, he did look beat

    Both guys are testing my patience…I swear. My boy Isiah is now averaging 2 to 3 tantrums a day.

    I sung him to sleep last night which was literally a first because I. Do. Not. Sing.
    But I needed some music to listen to while I cleaned up a bit, my aunt next door had him for a few extra minutes

    He was highly upset when she brought him over & left for the night

    So while he was throwing a fit, I just sat there patiently & was singing

    After a few tries, I opened my arms again & he came to me and started to calm down until he fell asleep in my arms

    Boy oh boy…these dudes have me pulling out all types of new stuff LOL

  50.  #50Azure Blu on August 9, 2016 at 6:58 am

    Thank you for your vulnerable sharing… You are doing GREAT Siren!
    Ahhhh…. singing to the babies… how I loved to do that… it seemed to sooth them
    as it did Isaiha…
    It must feel overwhelming to have both of your close relationships pushing you as you changing your energy and vibration to self love… soft on the outside
    strong on the inside!!
    Go Tee, Go!!
    OMG– he brought vodka? as you said – E must be very upset!
    hang onto your belief that your bored with doing the same thing
    and you Know ONLY YOU can make changes for YOU
    which in turn… over time… might just inspire our other relationships
    to want a new ways of doing relationships!!
    I have found… “It’s always darkest JUST BEFORE the dawn!”

  51.  #51Tee on August 9, 2016 at 7:37 am

    These days I swing between staying strong and wanting to cry. Work has become my refuge since I have no idea what to expect anymore when I go home

    I guess I’ll have to different things on Isiah as well. He’s getting so big & strong. My sister Dominique calls him a Mega-baby lol he’s apparently tall for his age

    Most people say he looks like a 5 year old & he’s a stocky solid little guy so when he throws a fit, he’s almost hard to handle as he throws his body all over the place

    I can’t be at my wits end with either of them despite how much I’d like to be

    Yeah, E is having a fit of his own. I struggle with this because neither of them can seem to verbalize what the heck is wrong with them

    They’re just lashing out due to frustration. Ok Isiah is pretty simple to figure out but it doesnt make the tantrums any easier on me
    As for E (shrug)….I wanna say that he misses all of my attention?

    You know, I was going through some of my old e-mails to a friend and they are terrible. lol
    Everything & I do mean EVERYTHING was about E.
    I wanted to save & be saved by him at the same time.

    Whenever he broke up with someone else, I was right there
    Whenever he needed to talk/vent, I was right there
    Whenever he felt like the world was against him, yup…I was right there

    I was so “in love” that I couldnt see how dysfunctional I had become or how dysfunctional he was
    All I needed was for him to simply exist & I was willing to take care of the rest

    Pretty sad stuff huh?

    I could see where there were times when he was trying (I guess) to get me to slow down & take into consideration that maybe he’s not in a good place right now

    I was not hearing that. My urgency to be with him, to have someone else to focus on I imagine, wouldnt let him put me off like that
    I had this him & me against the world type attitude.

    I totally took over. I would find him jobs, drive him to jobs, pick him up, bring him lunch
    You name it, I probably did it

    I wasnt trying to make him dependent on me. I think I was trying to prove myself
    I did this for years & thats only the tip of the iceberg. We’ve been though so sooooo much together

    There are days when I look at him & I wonder WTF happened? To him? To me?
    How did we get here? More importantly, how do we get outta here?

    It makes me sad but I know that its not over. People can change & things change all of the time

  52.  #52Femininewoman on August 9, 2016 at 7:44 am

    Tee obviously there was something in it for you when you were overfunctioning like that. Now could you be looking for a return on that investment? What in your own self could you be avoiding by focusing on E like that. It must’ve made you feel very powerful to be so helpful and there for him. Why wouldn’t he behave like a kid when he always has mommy looking out for him, If you keep on your bridge and staying the course to the life you’ve chosen E won’t have any other option but to change. Either for the better or the worse.

    Question is for you is it all worth it?

  53.  #53Tee on August 9, 2016 at 8:07 am

    #51 FW

    I did feel powerful. I felt special being the “ONLY ONE” who could understand him or make things better for him

    Over time, yes I think that I felt I deserved a return on my investment as you put it. I made him my life, sooo I figured I’d get that same devotion in return

    Truthfully, I cant say that he wouldn’t have because I had no real faith

    Isnt that bizarre?? Thats like shooting yourself in the foot! Doing all of these things in hopes of a return, yet not giving the man space to even see if he’d return the favor
    I see that alot in my family. Not even giving a man time to do stuff.

    For example; E might notice that my mothers lawn is getting a little high so he’ll tell her that he’ll be over the next week & cut it…and typically he’d end up doing other things as well

    My mother would be like Uh huh, sure. Then she’d end up paying someone $25 to do it instead. She does that alot.

    But my point is that along with my over-functioning. I tend to also rush ahead & do things for him. Not because he’s not capable but because “he was taking too long”
    So, he’s gotten use to that. Or I felt like he wasn’t doing something “right” and I’d probably do it better.

    Is it worth it?? No. I think we’re BOTH tired of the way things have been but they’ve BEEN this way for so long that we’ve become use to it & have relied on it despite not enjoying it

    If that makes sense

  54.  #54Azure Blu on August 9, 2016 at 9:59 am

    Tee #52
    VERY insightful as usual!! :-))

  55.  #55Tee on August 9, 2016 at 10:21 am

    #53 Yes Azure

    Its all starting to make sense now. The more I write, the more things come out.
    E’s mother Joyce is the same way with him. She has no faith that he can or will get things done

    I think that over time, she has tried but like most women these days
    If you dont move at the speed of light, you’re taking too long & she might as well do it herself and not be bothered with HIM (whoever HIM is)

    She essentially created a monster. He’s very capable in tons of areas but its the Other areas that I tend to focus on where he’s not at his best

    His mother all but gave up on him. She loves him & he’s the first person she calls when her roof is leaking or she needs something done that she cant do herself

    But outside of that, I dont think she has faith in him at all
    She’s also very manipulative but in a real low-key type of way
    She thinks her daughter hung the stars & the moon of course

    So he gets that type of treatment from me, his sister, his mom, my mom….see where this is going?

    I hope that there IS hope for us, me…..everybody lol

  56.  #56Tee on August 10, 2016 at 6:44 am

    ok Sirens, I need advice. I’m slightly confused here.

    I think that I may have to reevaluate my thoughts regarding E
    I’ve often thought of him as this untamed Alpha dude but now I’m beginning to wonder if he’s just a very very insecure man masquerading as someone who can take it or leave it

    I’m too close to the surface so its hard to see things from my angle.
    I spoke to my friend Trina who was able to somewhat offer a different angle to see from

    If taken as a whole, the changes that I’ve been making lately;
    The flowers
    The new hairstyle
    The new nose piercing
    The new earrings
    The new bracelet
    The manicures
    The pedicures
    The cute little skirt & dresses
    The sandals
    The (although failed attempt) changing of the locks
    The going off on my own at times without notice
    No calling, texting, etc
    My penchant for not being the most talkative person, etc
    My not initiating anything sexual yada yada yada

    Its easy to see how E would feel thrown-off & resort to acting out. No excuse for it, but it makes sense in an odd way.

    So last night he wanted to have sex. I should have asked you guys about it before hand because I knew that was coming (no pun intended LOL)

    I tell him that I’m not comfortable with that right now considering all that’s been happening & can I get a rain check?

    This leads to a discussion. I was trying to stay on-target with my feeling messages but it wasn’t easy.

    It had to be around 2am, Isiah is literally under my armpit & I’m trying to be quiet, listen & not get too loud at the same time

    This is what I’ve learned about E.
    His “style” of communication is to MENTION/BRING UP things 45 times
    He doesn’t specifically ASK for what he wants or needs

    Apparently MY JOB is to read between the lines/figure this sh*t out and then comply
    If this doesn’t happen because I FORGOT (I can be forgetful) then In His Mind…it wasn’t important therefore HE’S NOT IMPORTANT

    For example;

    What he’ll say: This TV needs to be cleaned
    What he PROBABLY WANTS = for me to clean the TV
    What I’m hearing: This TV needs to be cleaned

    Unless you specifically ASK me to do something or ASK me for something, its all just conversation & it has no true meaning
    In his mind, I’m ignoring him therefore HE’S NOT IMPORTANT

    I figure if its bothering you enough, why don’t you do it &/or…if I’m doing ALL of these things, what exactly are YOU doing?

    Then somehow he got around to talking about our engagement rings. He hasn’t worn his in weeks mind you
    This fool goes on to tell me that he didn’t want an engagement ring, he didn’t think he’d get one
    Woooowww, I find that funny considering the fact that he made a crack about NOT getting a ring a few months after he gave me mine
    Not only that, that man practically worshiped that ring & would often get mad at himself if he accidentally left it at home
    So I asked him, So why’d you get me a ring then? He had nothing to say.

    Then he says (and he’s been saying THIS for the longest)
    Why do men always have to ask women for marriage? Why do men always have to be the ones to blah blah blah?
    Why can’t women ask? Why can’t women saying, Hey…come on lets go get married?

    AH-HA so that’s what his deal is???
    He wants to get married but expected me to not get him a ring but just grab him & run to the courthouse?

    All I said to him was Look, I can’t speak for all women, I can only speak for myself. Why would I put myself out there for someone who acts like they’re unsure about what they’d like to do?
    Then I’m left feeling stupid & rejected. He basically fell asleep after that

    So I tried my best not to assume much based on anything that was said at this time of the dang morning & just pay attention to what I THINK is his overall message
    What I’m hearing is that he doesn’t feel important

    I’m not sure what to make of this. is all of this drama REALLY from those small changes that I’ve made? Or was he always like this?
    Actually, I believe its a combination of both. He’s always SAID these things but I haven’t been making the connection

    He equates whether or not I remember things with how important they are. That’s not the case with me AT ALL.
    Forgetting is forgetting.

    I bring home some bread for the house. Great. I forget his Tums, so this means that E IS LESS IMPORTANT THAN BREAD (eyeroll)
    Its more like, I forgot the Tums because I wasn’t in that area & I was too busy distracted by those long ass lines that I’d have to stand in
    Nothing more nothing less. I can or he can always go back and get the damn Tums but since I FORGOT that means that he’s not important to me

    I guess that I can try to go back through our enormous history & try to piece all of this new information together but what good what that do?

    I can’t. I refuse to go back to where I was. Granted, the changes that I’ve made weren’t monumental but it took a while to wrap my mind around the necessity of those changes
    Now I almost feel like, again, he’s trying to get me back to where HE was comfortable

    I prefer it when he leads, it feels better to me & I suppose its for the same exact reasons….IT LETS ME KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT that I’m IMPORTANT and that he cares

    Is it possible that we’re both fighting for the same exact stinking thing but just can’t seem to get it together?

    I swear I’m exhausted LOL
    I do find it interesting that Now it seems like I’m doing the same things he’s been doing & he can’t handle it

    I also noticed yet another big freakin bottle of alcohol smh

    He really is coming apart at the seams right now (sigh)

  57.  #57Tee on August 11, 2016 at 10:32 am

    Ok so here’s the latest drama LOL I swear…all I have to do to make this a best seller would be to change a few minor details & the WHAM, I’m on the New York Times LIST 😛

    I’m still not reacting to E. No calling, no texting unless I get something first. And even then, I make sure I get off the phone as soon as I can. No lingering around. Still No Keys.

    By now its become The Battle of Keys but its not REALLY about that

    So he comes in around midnight. I thought I heard him yell my name, then the phone rings.

    I answer. He says Nevermind, your uncle already threw me the keys.

    He comes in & we talk. Nothing special. Then he asks me again about the keys. Did I get the keys made. NOPE.

    I had had this conversation with my aunt (mistake) and judging by her exasperated looking face she didn’t agree with my logic of why I didnt get the keys

    Anyways, we discuss the keys. I tried to stay on track by saying….”This is MY feeling about it…..this is how I feel, etc”

    I told him that, TO ME, it looked like a lack of priorities. He wasn’t concerned, therefore I wasn’t concerned.

    It wasn’t important to him, so I let it go.
    He felt that again, I was letting him know just how Unimportant that I feel that he is

    He actually mirrored me with the feeling messages!

    He was like Ok, this is how *I* feel about it
    He felt that if it were me & I really needed the keys, I would have gone back out & had another set made

    He said that if it were Isiah & he really needed keys to get into the house, I would have gone back out & had another set made

    But since it was only him, he was seeing how I really made no attempt to go back out & do anything

    Then he was like, Am I right? I was like I guess LOL
    (I sorta agreed because I could see where he might feel unimportant yet I still felt like he could have done it himself)

    After that, my aunt comes down the hallway (UGH because E had the door open…about to leave to pick up some cigarettes) and asks E why he didn’t get any keys made.

    I really wanted to step in & be like Dammit can’t you just leave things alone?
    She has way too much masculine energy lol

    I think she handed E her keys or something
    E handed them back & was like Please….I don’t need any keys.
    He grabbed a credit card from her. Locked our door, closed it & then jimmied it open with the credit card
    My aunt shook her head & left

    E comes in & places something on the counter and then he says….I really cant be locked out of anyplace

    Hours later, I’m half asleep…and he says, Did I say it right?
    I’m like Huh? Say what?
    He says…About the keys, did I say it right, what I was talking about?

    I think he was trying to ask me if I UNDERSTOOD where he was coming from?
    Or at least asking if he had spoken to me correctly because in the past he said that he often felt unsure about saying anything because I always took it personal….so I think he was trying to make sure he came across in a way that I could understand? At least thats my guess

    All I had to say again was Look, I can only tell you how I feel and I felt that you had plenty of time to get keys made but it didnt seem important to you

    He did’t say anything after that. I suppose we both just went to sleep

    I’m so tickled by this. I’m like WOW, things do seem like they’re changing

    I am starting to feel like I can finally HEAR HIM. Maybe I needed to take that step back.
    Maybe it is from reading my notes.

    The message is importance. The other person doesnt feel important. Not sure how this key issue is gonna play out.

    Something needs to give because I plan on leaving this weekend for my mothers. I mean, like he said….he doesnt NEED keys but still……

    I’ll see what kinda dialogue we can have tonight once he gets off from work 🙂

  58.  #58nyx on August 11, 2016 at 11:18 am

    @ Tee

    @ Tee

    “Here you are, E- my keys. I always like having you here but as you are a grown man, I figure you can manage to get a set of your own made. Or, you’re welcome to use your credit card if you also can use it to lock the door after you.” *kiss on cheek and grin*


    Having said this- he seems frustrated but like he is moving towards you 😉
    you are still handling this beautifully, Tee 🙂

  59.  #59Femininewoman on August 11, 2016 at 11:24 am

    Tee don’t make the key issue a power struggle. If he specifically asks you to make some the just do it.

    Now that you’ve made all these changes I believe it is ok to step back a little soften up and really just be with him to make him feel really signiuficant

  60.  #60Tee on August 11, 2016 at 11:24 am

    #57 NYX

    Lol I love that! Straight & to the point
    Yeah, this seems like it’s gone on for too long & it’s clear….at least to me… that this isn’t about keys, or power or retaliation like I originally suspected

  61.  #61Tee on August 11, 2016 at 12:01 pm

    #58 Thanks FW
    Like I said, its gone on too long especially since I think we both know that we’re past the “Its just about the keys” phase

    I’m still somewhat unsure because I still feel as though he’s choosing not to get them done & its not like he doesn’t have time

    I dont want to make this the hill that we both DIE on

    He sees it, as I said about not feeling important to me

    But how do you make someone feel important without leaning forward too much?
    I really dont wanna go backwards here

    Thats part of our problem, he’s always asking. He says that MY problem is that I dont ASK enough lol

    So I end up doing & doing & not GETTING because he has no problem with asking, but I do

    He’ll ask me to do this, bring this, buy that, etc

    I consider ASKING like a form of weakness….I hate asking

    So thats how I started to Over-function. As a way of NOT feeling weak because if I’m doing it myself, then I dont have to feel weak by asking

    But then that becomes the problem as well. I spend so much time DOING it myself (instead of asking) that I start to feel resentful
    Hes looking at me like Hey, thats not my fault because YOU didn’t ask

    I start off asking for this or that. And its fine. Then something happens along the way. He says No or he asks if I can wait a day or 2.
    My walls go up, I feel like an idiot for asking….so the next time, I wont bother to ask him anything at all

    See how this goes? lol

  62.  #62Femininewoman on August 11, 2016 at 2:57 pm

    Well it is okay to take no for an answer. Also it is okay to give no for an answer. Just because you or he ask doesn’t automatically mean the other is gonna say yes. Ask and if he says no then take no for the answer. Asking with the expectation of receiving a yes might be at issue here

  63.  #63Tee on August 11, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    E asks & almost always gets a Yes so the expectation is high

    I need to say more No’s
    I may need to ask more as well.but I’m always offended/disappointed when I get a No

    Now that’s where I start to feel unimportant so it makes sense why I wouldn’t put myself in that position often :/

  64.  #64Tee on August 12, 2016 at 7:44 am

    ok Sirens, things are less tense these days & returning to “normal” so to speak
    I’ve decided to STOP saying that this makes me nervous. I use to be nervous, now I’ve got this

    I really do believe that if he hadn’t been such a JERK and hadn’t “disappeared” on me here & there this last time….I’d still be caught up
    He was really trying his best to trigger me & I was tired of being under the thumb of my own issues in such a way that someone else could use it against me

    I really want to be upset & hurt that he’d even do that but that wouldn’t serve me
    Plus HE had been triggered. I tend to forget that. So despite him having the best Poke Face in North America lol he was feeling something uncool as well

    He was feeling unimportant. maybe discarded. Like how could SHE just toss me out like that & not care what happens to me anymore?

    True, seems babyish but this is a far cry from what he’s use to. So its definitely an extreme for him

    In any event, since football season is now among us….his schedule is about to become a little more hectic than usual
    He told me that his schedule for Thursday had been from 11am-11pm…ok cool. I think me & the boy were in bed by 10pm and knocked out

    I could have sworn that I had seen/heard him come in but I wasn’t 100% sure
    So something wakes me up at 2am. Leaky diaper perhaps? (awesome!)

    I see that a light on my phone is blinking & I see that E had called twice

    I call him back. We talk. He asks about the keys again. Nope LOL I didn’t get them
    He tells me that he’s still at work, his bike has a flat and that I need to take out the garbage tonight

    I’m sitting there like…Uh huh, I’ll think about it

    About 2 minutes later, this fool comes from out of the bathroom laughing
    He’s like You’re silly, you didn’t hear me in there?

    We talk again. We basically go over each others schedule for the next few days & that was that

    He said that my aunt had let him in & (in regards to the keys) Something has to give

    I’m so happy that I’m free from my own brain lol but there are days when I do feel sad because I feel like its gonna take SO MUCH to get him where I want him to be YET, I forget that not much is really required FROM ME

    I guess I’m so use to trying to WORK him that it all seems like a job lol

  65.  #65Azure Blu on August 12, 2016 at 12:32 pm

    I so agree with NYX and FW
    You are doing great and from this last thing you posted…
    you are both getting closer… cute that he was calling you from the bathroom…
    Playful and romantic and kinda s*xy!!! :-))

    You can always giving him a BIG ole Hug when he does cute things like that (I know it was the middle of the night) and say “Oh darling, you are sooo romantic and fun!! That’s why I love you!!!”
    Those kind of scripts and showing appreciation (instead of DOING THINGS FOR HIM)
    with your words and hugs… make him feel important…
    So maybe thats how you can keep from OVERFUNCTIONING with DOING
    and keep it in the appreciation with words
    to show that HE IS important in your life
    (BUT NOT as important as YOU are in YOUR life)

    I am VERY impressed at how focused you are on Making YOU HAPPY!!
    How focused you are in changing your dynamic with E
    and knowing YOU are the ONLY one that You can change!!
    Yay YOU!! :-))
    Again… thank you for your vulnerable heart, and sharing your journey
    on Siren Island… It is inspiring!

  66.  #66Tee on August 12, 2016 at 12:46 pm

    #64 Azure

    I have to remember that. Words & Hugs (Sex too apparently lol) make him feeling important
    I definitely have an overfunctioning gene lol


    My little sister mentioned that she needed a sleeping bag for when school starts on the 25th so that she can stay there on occasion
    I totally took over, I called at least 4 stores & even spent 25 minutes waiting for someone to check in the back

    Since its my sister, its kinda OK but I tend to go overboard when I love someone

    This wont serve me with E
    Thank you for the better suggestions, I love them

    I really dont want to set us back

  67.  #67nyx on August 12, 2016 at 2:24 pm

    @ Tee

    Haha the bathroom call was inventive and charming 😀 Yes, words and actions, maybe telling him you love having him around but that you feel that you have been doing too much, you start to feel like a maid and you’d like to feel like a lover 😉

    Attention! From what I have understood of your posts, you have felt frustratred not knowing his schedule and him coming and going unpredictably. And now- he is going over his schedule with you? Things definitely are moving in the right direction, and he definitely tries to give you what you want and need 😀 I am so happy for you- both!

    The bathroom call is so lovely too as it shows he is in a good mood, not in defense mode.
    I will use you as an inspiration, Tee- you are steadfast but not rigid. I am impressed 🙂

  68.  #68Tee on August 12, 2016 at 8:34 pm

    Just wanted to share before bed….thank you ladies for being with me through this process, it definitely was not easy in the beginning

    Today was busy & interesting.
    Sex with E before work. He called me later in the day to see what was going on with me
    He mentioned that he planned to get keys made (yes!) & get the babys haircut but the day took a different turn lol

    I forget my keys at work! Uugghh!

    I get home & E tells me that he switched work days, so he’s off. More sex & he’s like a starved man! We go back out, he gets keys made & we stop off around his Mom’s way so that he can cut grass. It was too late to get the baby his hair cut but it’s ok

    I had told him before that I’d be at my Mom’s this weekend to binge watch “Stranger Things” with my sister and then back to the Amusement park so we’ll see him sometime on Sunday

    Then he says, 2 days. He almost sounded sad that we’d be gone for 2 days but at least he knows where we are & as usual he’ll be working

    I am happy about the way things are going 🙂

    Yeah the bathroom thing was funny lol he does things like that often

    I need to use every opportunity to use my WORDS

  69.  #69Tee on August 13, 2016 at 6:46 pm

    It’s starting to make sense why it’s necessary to do your own thing
    This way, I’m enjoying the things that I like while creating some space in order for him to seek me out without pressure
    Before, it seemed like He was always the one creating space leaving Me to seek him out & neither of us were happy with that ‘arrangement’
    Now, E doesn’t have to create space since I’m already doing it
    Not just physical space but emotional space

    He doesn’t have to “leave me” which would create a trigger effect & then I’d have an attitude
    It’s spilled over into my daily life as well….I feel like I talk more to people lol

    And I definitely feel “bored” with how things were lately


  70.  #70Azure Blu on August 15, 2016 at 8:56 am

    Ahhhh… your glorious Siren Melody is soooo beautiful…
    How wonderful for you to share with us this Marvelous journey…
    How your loving, gentle innocent way so INSPIRED E
    to step up
    and you continued to tweek and practice and you Didn’t give up!!!
    You have explained the space and vibrations and loveingly leaning back
    So VERY Welllll…
    I am learning so MUCH from You… and reassured to keep on my path!!!
    and I am so happy for you and your lovely family for all the
    happyness and joy you are experiencing…
    You are such a feminine (and sexy hot) Diva!!!

  71.  #71Tee on August 15, 2016 at 9:14 am

    Things are definitely feeling better energy wise between E & I.
    I’m also seeing him in a softer light.

    Like I said, we parted ways on Friday evening as I headed over to my Moms for the weekend.

    I do this every other month or so. I do laundry & hang out with my kid sister.
    We were gonna be gone for 2 days.

    It was so hot on Saturday that my sister & I stayed in the house and mostly binge watched “Stranger Things” on Netflix while at the same time, dodging attacks from Isiah during his frequent bouts of boredom LOL

    At some point, (Saturday Morning?) E called me with a ridiculous question. He asked if I had done laundry yet, he asked about his work pants. He asked if they were in the laundry-bag. I was like, Well you packed the bag so I don’t know, I’ll have to check. He said Nevermind, he “found” some extra work pants. HA! I think he just wanted to talk to me & that was the best that he could come up with.

    He completely packed the laundry-bag for me so he would know what was & was not in there…not me!

    We were back at the Amusement Park on Sunday but this time we went to the Water Park section. The sun was soooo unforgiving.
    We spent most of the time at the Wave Pool. The last time, Isiah wanted nothing to do with any of the rides.

    Now we were at the Water Park and he was in his element, literally. Once he got comfortable, he had a BLAST!

    He is such a waterbug! 🙂 I put the swim vest on him & he’s all over the place. He’s splashing everyone, jumping, running lol I had to keep him from going too far into the deeper end (regardless of the vest) he was totally fearless. It was such fun to watch him, he was so happy there & hated having to leave. We definitely have to get him some lessons

    We get home late Sunday afternoon & I’m under the impression that E had to work so I grab a few bags from my Mom’s car and I head upstairs. I open the door to the apartment & E is just hanging out in his glory 😛

    He IMMEDIATELY jumps up & says…What do you need me to do! (hes never moved that fast before lol)

    I tell him that I need him to get the stroller & the laundry bag…I’ll get the boy
    We go downstairs & my sister is so happy to see him! Normally she prefers to be dropped off at home but everyone was so tired lol she didn’t feel like getting out of the car

    Her & E got into their usual weird high 5’s and banter. We get everything upstairs & almost from the start he’s playing around.
    Once again, he missed us. He playing around with Isiah, they’re watching one of his favorite alphabet DVDs, he’s tickling him, etc

    Then of course, Isiah heads over to my aunt’s for a while and this is when E (again) jumps my bones like a starving man

    WHAT is that about? lol He’s asking me all of these questions about my body and I’m like Oh boy!

    It made me feel a little bit bad because we BOTH use to be in sync sexually but it seems like ever since I’ve gotten pregnant &/or my birth control

    The desire for sex really isn’t there for me so I don’t really NEED it the way that he does BUT I still try to accommodate him
    Once I’m THERE….I’m fine. I dont think its HIS issue or an issue of foreplay but I suppose I can get him in on that

    His need of me / his questions came across so desperately like he really needs to know
    Maybe thats why he’s so cranky?? Its like his main language is SEX and since I’m not “there”…..he feels down?

    All of his “complaints” are just about me. Why don’t I talk to him? Why am I hiding my body? Why am I able to do this or that with friends but not with him?

    It makes everything else that he’s ever said seem pale in comparison…like those were just surface things that he threw out there
    And these issues are the MAIN EVENT type issues for him

    I just feel weird. Not bad weird but weird still :/

  72.  #72Tee on August 15, 2016 at 9:39 am

    #70 (((Azure)))

    It helps that I have such awesome support here during a time when I thought that I was either losing my mind or my family so I didn’t want to leave anything out

    Plus I’ve always needed feedback when I’m writing. I cant rely on myself to pinpoint what the problem is/was. This is why I’m not good at journaling, because its just me & sometimes I get stuck LOL & no ones there to push or pull me 😛

    This has been interesting. Leaning back & seeing things from another angle. I’m still affected but not as much.

    I still have my ego days & my impatient days when I need him to be Mr. Perfect RIGHT NOW

    But so far, I think things are going pretty well but I’m afraid to pat myself on the back too hard though LOL

  73.  #73Tee on August 16, 2016 at 3:20 am

    Yup, I knew it was too good to be true
    He did it again. He “disappeared”
    I mean, I’m sure he went to work & all that but he stayed wherever he was afterwards

    Maybe it was an accident, he has claimed to have fallen asleep at some places

    I’ve seen him asleep in the bathroom smh so it’s entirely possible but I still don’t like it

    This may be an opportunity to use feeling messages to let him know that this turns me off

    I feel nervous and confused because I swear he’s not hearing me sometimes Ugh!

  74.  #74Tee on August 16, 2016 at 6:07 am

    Well, I’m trying my best not to analyze the situation but (shrug) that’s kinda what I do at times

    I knew that this would be practice, and that I’d have to continue to practice no matter what

    I knew that this wouldn’t be a quick fix yeeettt I feel that that’s what I wanted/expected

    I’m wondering if this was deliberate or accidental

    Is he caving? Was he thrown off by his sudden raw need of me? Did his own vulnerability freak him out?

    Is he mad because we weren’t able to full enjoy ourselves (sexually) the other day because we kept getting interrupted…and we didn’t “finish”?

    I swear, this really isn’t his typical behavior

    I want to be mad but that would defeat the purpose. It would pull me into a space where I’m not longer in control & rational

    Why is he acting like he doesn’t get it? Why does it seem like he’s not hearing me?

    On one hand, I feel like this IS working. On the other hand, I feel like maybe it works…but just not with E?

    It might be too soon to make any real predictions. Habits that have been well-established & practiced over a 15 year time span aren’t gonna go away so easily

    In any event, It sorta doesn’t matter what he says on his end. I know how I feel & I need to stand by that

  75.  #75Tee on August 16, 2016 at 7:02 am

    I feel like I wanna cry right now.
    I really thought that this “disappearing” was over
    That we had sorta bonded & his shenanigans would just go away

    I barely got to 2nd base, now I feel like I have to start all over again
    I really don’t get it. Am I expecting too much too soon?

    Is it possible that this just wont work on him?
    (You know what I mean)

    Yeah, I think I did get a little bit of a big head when things seemed like they were working
    I got a little bit of attention from him & like I always do….I tend to believe that things will be better because he acted right for like 13 seconds

    No call, no text….nothing

    is he really this dense? or (like my mom) he really doesnt care
    Part of me wants to hold off until we actually speak

    another part wants to just call him & ask him to move out but even that won’t “work”

    my emotions are getting the best of me right now & although thats not bad
    its not really where I wanna be at the moment

  76.  #76Femininewoman on August 16, 2016 at 7:19 am


  77.  #77Tee on August 16, 2016 at 8:57 am

    Yes, this completely sucks and I think that I’m hurt & in shock because I realize that I’m not as over this as I thought

    I was feeling so free & proud that I finally got the best of my “issues” and that they couldn’t touch me anymore

    Now I feel stupid and naive for thinking it would be that easy

  78.  #78Azure Blu on August 16, 2016 at 12:44 pm

    ((((Tee– Darling))))
    You said it really well…. it does take time to change our engrained behaviors….
    and Rori always says “There is NO there” We are always THERE…
    and things change all the time…
    it is our solid, constant love of ourselves that won’t change!!! and no one can TAKE IT AWAY!!!

    I know you sound so surprised and in shock!! Of course you would.
    and yes… too much emotional intimacy will make most of us withdraw and
    act crazy!

    Dominque says: We are all always struggling with our triggers… there are layers and layers to peel off – It doesn’t mean
    you haven’t come a REALLY FAR WAY!!!

    Not everyone embarks on this journey of self love and healing…
    and YOU have made that loving, gentle commitment to yourself!!

    YES you DO need to pat yourself on the back!!!
    Because you are doing the work for YOU!!
    You have addressed
    so many of your feelings… it is a lifelong journey
    and just look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself
    how beautiful and amazing you are and give
    yourself a BIG hug!!!
    you’re rockin’ this Siren!!!

  79.  #79Tee on August 16, 2016 at 1:16 pm

    You’re always so ready with the kind words Azure…thank you as always.
    The shock will wear off eventually. I’m finding myself in the Masculine.
    Wanting to figure *this* out, find a formula that will “fix” everything so that I can feel like I’m on steady ground again

    True, in the back of my mind there is a Time. Its embarrassing to a degree that we’ve been together for so long & its like a treadmill
    Theres been plenty of movement but we haven’t gotten anywhere

    LOL And I didn’t even initiate the intimacy…he did! I did enjoy it & was receptive
    Then it seemed like he just took off & I’m like Huh? What did I do wrong now?

    I’m so upset or at least I was. I’ve gone back to working on my binder of articles (Sami, Tatia, Rori, Leigha, etc) ….and its been helpful
    I know what I need to “Do” yet I’m so use to doing the opposite (chasing, calling, cursing, threatening, etc)

    I’m feeling uncomfortable but I haven’t reached out to E
    Not sure how receptive I can be today if I run into him

    If I didn’t have my son to distract me, I think I’d just go home, eat too much cereal & then go to bed crying
    Instead, I have to entertain his boy energy & mine too

    I’ll figure something out 🙂

  80.  #80Tee on August 17, 2016 at 6:52 am

    Ok so I get home & E is there …UGH lol I knew he was there because he likes to hang out in the bathroom smh drinking and playing Candy Crush

    I was trying to get outta there as fast as possible but it was too late

    He opened the door and asked where the baby was. I shrugged. Then he told me that he went over to the daycare this morning to see how he’s been making out with the therapist

    Since our son was born premature, they figured he might be a bit speech delayed so I have 2 ladies working with him every week

    I found that very interesting considering E has never asked questions or even, to me, seemed remotely concerned about how things were going

    I’m not even sure how he knew to show up on a Tuesday which is when one of the ladies always sees him

    Not sure if that was what set me off or just the entire thing

    Here I am sweating, changing clothes, packing a bag for our son so we can go to the park & he’s laughing and relaxing on the damn toilet

    I get the boy & of course he doesn’t wanna go to the park and he doesn’t wanna go home. He wants to go next door to my aunts where she has a freakin snack drawer that my son loves & I had just argued with her earlier about the whole snack thing

    I was just soooo done

    I basically just dropped the kid off with my aunt & left without saying much.

    I had to leave. I felt tears coming & I just couldn’t deal at the moment but I let her know that E was home in case she wanted to drop the boy off with him

    I spoke with my aunt about 20 minutes after I left, she tried to bring the baby to E but he either left or wasn’t answering the door or didn’t hear it

    She said she didn’t like being caught in the middle of our mess & wanted to know what was going on since I’ve never acted like this before

    All I kept saying is….You have to ask him. Definitely not the best thing to say considering how he hates hearing anything about US coming from anyone that’s not US.

    I really didn’t know what else to say as I really didn’t wanna break down so she had my son & he was fine of course

    I really didn’t know where to go so I just walked about 10 blocks, picked up some scratch-offs and hung out at McDonalds. (bad choice)

    About an hour later, E calls me. I really didn’t plan on answering the phone but I did. He was still home….he claims he didn’t hear the door when my aunt showed up annnnddd I think he just explained why he’s been disappearing (smh) it’s a long semi-innocent story (sigh)

    I swear I need to get paid for this

    I’m part of this Law of Attraction group. One of the ladies offered to send flowers to the first 15 ladies who sent her an Instant Message.

    I figured I could use a pick-me-up so I sent her a message. Flowers arrived about a week later to my house. Ok so don’t beat me for this but I guess I figured if E saw them, he might act right

    Wrong. I totally underestimated how bad he would view this. I told him that I didn’t know who sent them. He acted like he didn’t care either way so I didn’t bother to give him the story. It’s almost too late now. I lose all credibility if I tell him the truth but I guess things will continue downhill if I dont??


    I kept them on full display, they were beautiful. This had to be almost 3 weeks/ maybe even a month ago. Each week, if I even mentioned a guys name…he’d ask if that guy sent them. Noo, he didnt.

    So he calls & asks again. I give him the same answer. I don’t know.
    He gets mad & says….You didn’t even bother to ask me if I sent them.

    My answer, I know you didn’t send them because it wouldn’t make sense for you to send them…when you can bring them to me in person

    Then he says, if the shoe was on the other foot…I’d be really mad & I’d wanna know what woman sent him flowers!


    Then he says, And you had them sitting right on the counter!
    I said….Because they were nice!

    He might have said something else but I just remember him hanging up on me

    I didn’t throw anything in there about him disappearing but since he’s been bringing this up ever since, it’s definitely an issue.
    I guess he’s upset that I didn’t even think that he’d even send me flowers and /or him feeling like I’m rubbing this in his face?

    Yeah I’m wrong but it wasn’t my initial intention when I thought of the flowers. I didn’t think to use them to get him jealous until they were actually IN the house and he had been “disappearing” before this

    This entire foolishness started because I Forgot to tell him about our Family Reunion smh back in July

    I really didn’t want to go myself but I made myself go because I was feeling sad again over something

    So he started disappearing as a way to retaliate

    Yeah we’re a bunch of toddlers lol

    He claims he wasn’t trying to retaliate but he wanted me to see how it feels when people forget to tell you things

    I don’t purposely forget but he acts like I do. I didn’t think he’d be interested, he’s so busy ripping & running doing his own thing

    He said (after the fact) that I don’t even bother to ask

    (Le sigh)

    So this was yesterday. We didn’t speak much after that phone call.
    He made breakfast this morning. Something he hasn’t done in a very long while

    So that’s where we are right now

    Now, last week….my aunt said that she wouldn’t mind taking the baby for a night so that E & I can have some alone time. She agreed to watch him this Friday night. I have to check to see if she’s still willing considering everything that just happened

    I almost don’t want to invite him out anywhere but I think that this relationship sorta requires it

    The votes not in yet

  81.  #81Femininewoman on August 17, 2016 at 10:28 am

    Tee do you realize you are not writing on the latest article?

  82.  #82Tee on August 17, 2016 at 10:32 am

    Yes but I’ll repost over there 🙂

  83.  #83Porscha on August 22, 2016 at 9:18 pm

    Wow…I can relate to her so much… same situation but I have kids so it’s hard for me to just pick up and go out. I’ve been through it all with this man, and yet we break up and he still pursues me. I take him back and get hurt all over again. He insist I’m what he wants and desires to marry me one day but can’t/won’t stop lying, cheating, etc. I need help letting go and moving on…ugghhhhh… I wish i could purchase some of your tools, but money is tight. Hofefully, the free articles can assist until I’m able to.