If You Want Him Back: Sometimes It’s Us Who Have To Change – Not Him…

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The Question:

“Rori, I would appreciate your help…

Sam ended things  after a short period of being back together.

I ended up going online and re-meeting a man I spoke to in August. It was an instant connection and he fell really hard for me quickly. He pursued me and spoiled me and we saw each other every day and within a week every night for 5 weeks.

The thing is, we had some challenges. He met someone from his work in Mexico in Jan and they had planned for her to visit in March. He said he didn’t plan on meeting me. He ended things with her and she canceled her trip.

He is a nice guy. A good man. He never said a bad word to me and adored me.

I felt scared from our 2nd date on and tried to sabotage it. I criticized, was mean, and resisted him at every step. He still was a nice guy. I emasculated him and disrespected him. Still he was a nice guy.

He broke up with me after about two weeks because of the way I treated him. It lasted less than a day and he forgave me and gave me another chance.

Well, I continued to take him and his love for granted. Sabotaging things because I didn’t trust or accept how good he was too me.

Rori, he took space two weeks ago and then today he broke up with me because I was leaning forward.

I was anxious. I told him I love him and I apologized.

I totally messed up the energy because I thought I needed to let him know how sorry I was. I did give him his space and he messaged me for the first 5 days then he went silent.

I feel terrible that I did this to him. He is everything I’ve been hoping for. Not my type. But we had the most fun and I was happier than I’d been in a really long time.

I know I screwed up. I don’t blame him for taking space or breaking up with me. The thing is I didn’t put my feelings first and I messed up the energy by leaning forward anytime he messaged me that he needed more time.

I let my anxiety get the best of me. And I know better!

It scared me that he said he’s the kind of guy that when he’s done he’s done. He cuts off all communication and moves on.

He said he hadn’t felt the way he feels about me in over 17 years.

I did what we tell all our clients not to do when a guy pulls away. Mostly because I was an asshole to him.

Rori, I really like him as a person. I love him and he said he loved me.

Today I told him that I don’t want to break up and would love to see him tonight.

He replied a couple hours later: I can’t do that I don’t want this.

Sometimes he can be very feminine.

I replied: Okay. Throw my key away.

He replied: This is why we can’t be together

I replied: I’m confused. I thought it would be easier for both of us to not have to see each other.

Then I apologized again and thanked him for being an amazing man.

He replied: Ok! Good luck!

Rori he’s shut down and treating me like he’s angry and doesn’t care.

I made the mistake of sending another message letting him know my heart will be open to him if he changes his mind and apologized once more.

I will stop now. I don’t want to do this anymore Rori. I don’t want to sabotage.

What can you recommend and do you think he will come back?

Thanks in advance, Susan

My Answer:

Susan… in all of this, looking back, can you remember the moments when you were mean and resistant?

And, even this last time, when you were shut down and mean, and said, “OK throw the key away…” – can you remember being aware of that in the moment in any way?

Because what I’m seeing is not that leaning forward to apologize was a problem, but the whole anger, meanness, cruelty, disrespect and shutting down is what he meant when he said “I can’t do this…”

And – because I wasn’t there – It’s hard for me to tell if you were TRULY being “mean” and “disrespectful…” or if he is another of those highly sensitive, self-absorbed men who find “hurt” in everything we say or do that even touches on expressing our own feelings and needs or, worse, asking for something.

So – I’ll just go with what you say, and assume you are on the Anger Train, and that fixing that is where you need to go.

I  know you have access to the Love Forever program. Start listening to that. Start with the first part of the “Catch” – and see if you have been able in all this time to catch yourself when the rough words come out of your mouth.

The time to fix things is right then.

To say “…oh I am so sorry I could feel my self shutting down, and trying to take it out on you because I feel scared.” Every single time you do it.

Until hopefully, quite quickly, you put your hand over your mouth before you let the words out. And then you can just say “I can feel myself shutting down but I want to stay open to you…”

This is the process. And this needs to be practiced. This is what Circular Dating, and all of this work is all about.

This needs to shift – you know that – and nothing can happen until you become aware, in the moment of what you are doing and saying.

Most men cannot tolerate even a repeated set of incidents in which they are belittled.

This man obviously could.

But neither of you were able to fix the core problem.

If you are simply looking back at everything that was upsetting to him you will see all the moments when you could’ve caught yourself and switched gears.

That is where you need to put your focus right now. Any man or any person you talk to this kind of mindful awareness is where you need to go.

From here, what I can sense is that the leaning forward you did did not put him off because you were leaning forward –  it put him off because it must’ve felt totally not genuine to him.

All he could remember was your belittling and not being able to think about him and how he might feel – but only about protecting yourself.

It must have felt to him as though you were just trying to get something from him – and that you were going to quickly began belittling him again.

This is where the work needs to happen. I can guarantee you that if this is coming out of your mouth towards someone else, this is how you are talking to and treating yourself. This is where this needs to start.

Susan, you can fix this… this is a very harsh place for you to be in, and it’s been going on a long time for you.

It’s time to stop protecting yourself, start noticing how a man might feel as impacted by what you say and do, and learn to use Feeling messages.

That’s the key, because it’s impossible to be harsh, to disrespect or belittle anyone when you’re using feeling messages.

Love, Rori



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  1.  #1Femininewoman on May 1, 2017 at 10:30 am

    Great read

  2.  #2Rori Raye on May 1, 2017 at 12:10 pm

    Thank you!!! Rori

  3.  #3Brenda on May 1, 2017 at 1:43 pm

    Hi Rori so something similar to this happened to me the guy and I have been around each other supposedly in a relationship for now would be 3 yrs and the first yr was so good he had one mishap when he said he was in his way and did not come and I cut him off and he could not take it he called and called and stayed out front my house crying when he seen me with another man and I took him back and after that it seems as thought small things kept happening he kept bringing up the other guy even though I cut the guy off for him because he asked me to then he went thru my phone and seen that I had a video recording in my private mail account of me and my x that was a yr before him and he watched the video and he brings that up til this day and that was before we got together so this sane first yr of he and I being together I felt love but didn’t like that he had looked thru my phone and continued to bring up the fact that I had a recording of me and my x but he would come to my house at least 3 to 4 times a night if he wasn’t st.my house I was at his he had a studio apartment I don’t suspect that he is living with anyone because he is the type that helps out his woman and if he lives with sinwine he’s pay rent or something and he is not capable if laying rent at his place and another woman also help me out at that time he helped on my bills he offered and I accepted he always took me out to dates in the weekends and bought groceries at my house every mth would take my kids and I out too but everything was ok til one day we were at Comcast together and we had been having disagreements I had had a miscarriage and he left my house that night and went out with friends and it was hurtful that he left me alone that night in pain so I said alot of stuff to him but he stayed around but it just was alot of arguing of everything from then on out he said I was having a miscarriage and he didn’t want to see me in pain and that he asked me to make him good and I didn’t really he just wanted to hang out in my eyes but we were in Comcast and my kids father came in and he and I were talking and My guy walked pass us looking weird and left out it was an awkward moment my kids father walked in I was shocked he and I haven’t seen or talked to each other in over 2 yrs my daughter and son are grown and they communicate with him only my guy knows this he’s witnessed it with his own eyes he knows they’re dad he has went with me to drop them off a few times in the case where they’re father and I don’t talk at all so we see him and my kids after and I speak and talk about my son what he needs when he goes away for school my guy walked out and left completely and I felt like he didn’t want to acknowledged that we were together i got done with my business there and left I called him he had me to pick him up from a bus stop and he said he felt I wasn’t acknowledging him and so from there on more down hill as we still continued to see each other have sex dates and all during that time he lost his job and truck and I still stayed with him Christmas came around and he didn’t have money and I was low also and he stayed home on Christmas day he said he was ashamed he didn’t have anything for me or his kids That’s day I kept trying to get him to come over but he contains it was odd he had spent thanksgiving with me but I told him I understand he felt bad and that it was ok he didn’t feel like coming over so a few days later he told me he felt like I should’ve split my check with him since he was not working that he would’ve done the same for me and I told him that I have 3 kids and basically a single mother with the minimal help of there father and we argued about that and it went down hill from there on out we continued to see each other but he was a lol cold towards me which would make me angry and I would say me an things he would use my car and I would try to be there for him I just couldn’t sew myself giving him money unless it was an emergency and he had only 1 small child that lived with her mom and I felt like he was a good dad he just didn’t have it at the time but I just didn’t have it either to give he had 3 but he really was sad that the youngest of then all he wasn’t able to buy anything and I look back and wish I had just have gave him money for Christmas so that was all in dec 2015 so I took him for an interview he for the job I got off work and took him was after that Christmas he started Jan 2016 I started seeing him less and he said it’s because we work opposite times of each other I work morning he works 3 til 1130 I used to go pick til it started to make me rootired to go to work the next day and he was ok with it sometimes he’s come over in the train when he got off then that stipp3d and we would see each otheron weekends and that wasn’t enough for me so some days I dragged mys3ld out the bed to pick him up is be off in some Tues and stay over the next day at his place but now we don’t that at all if I suggest to pick him up he’ll say he maybe have to work tile 12 or 1 am so I stopped asking the dates we have in weekends hell arrange earlier thru the week but after the date is drop him off to hang with his friends and is go home hardly no sex and then sun he’s washing and playing cards with friends one sun he arranged to take me to the movies and the time had gotten late and I didn’t hear from him I was so mad and jealous i called him and told him I can’t do this and he said he was sorry he was taking care of some tax stuff that took longer dis I still want to go i told him no and I got off the phone an 20 mins later I called him back and askes him wgwre he was he sais at a friends house playing poker I told him I was coming by he told me if I come by he’s not coming to my house that he wants to hang out tonight and I went anyway it wasn’t a good feeling and so I go ready to leave after an hr and a bunch of other commotion too long to explain but when I got there he didn’t offer me a seat which made me mad and I didn’t say anyone but his friends for mad that another guy offered me a seat and said that I was so fine and they said he was disrespectful and my guy didn’t say anything I see why the guy said that he said he didn’t k ow who I came there with I see why because my guy didn’t offer me a seat when I came but after an hr of that I got up and ready to go and my guy walked me down the stairs and he said I guess tour mad because I’m not leaving with u and I said no and so he asked for a hug I gave him a hug and he stated grabbing at my butt and I told him to stop that I was leaving and he said see u mad and I said I’m not just let me go he wouldn’t and I told him I’d hit him if he didn’t and he said hit me and I did and his eye was black I got in the car he for I’m too and he was so out of it and he just kept asking me why did I do it and he got out the car and went back with his friends the next day I blocked his calls and he kept calling me from other numbers saying he loves me and he wants to work it out he always do this and I try to work it out for it to go right back to go out on sat he goes out I go home I don’t see him again til next Sat but hell call me all week 2 or times even on his breaks but the weekend come and no time really and he’ll bring money over in sun says he wants to make sure I have money for lunch and all but no real time I just don’t know what to do because yesterday he said he was coming over it rained so bad we went and got food earlier and he went home to wash and said he’s be over later later came at 9 and he called we FaceTime which he never mentioned he was not coming over we talked about everything I keep trying to lean back so I didn’t ask him was he still coming over so he said he was horny he played with himself on the FaceTime and I just said wow well call me back once u done or something he said why he said he’s not ashamed of himself I just felt that why would he just not come over or invite me over but I didn’t day that we talked for a min and he said ok I guess I’ll let u go I know u have to go to work I said bye and we needed the FaceTime I was so sad when I got off the phone and I was so horny myself the last time we had sex was last week sat and I couldn’t get wet but sorry for not mentioning that day he had me pick him up and I was so angry of the lack of time had been spending he had me pick him up and we got pizza went to my house and I just was angry he had been calling all week I had ignored him and sat I said ok I’ll see him he bought pizza and we got to my house and I just still was not satisfied he had even brung his work clothes but I felt it just was a temporary thing he does be ok one day the next her back not spending as much as time ad I want him to so I asked him to leave he wanted sex and I did tell him no so here it is sun and we were on the FaceTime and he did not mention anyone about coming over when earlier he had called me over to his house so we can go get food we did and he said he come by later and didn’t and I’m just so angry I wonder do I need to just block his number now and try to get over him

  4.  #4Brenda on May 1, 2017 at 2:08 pm

    Sorry it’s so long and it’s like when try to be ok with him he lull away and when I give up and decide I want to be done I don’t argue and I don’t call or accept his calls he’ll call all day and leave messages or come by and then when I decide to accept his calls he’ll be ok for a day like we talked last night and although he did not come over I thought we would be sorta ok today but this morn he did not call like he usually does and today is very odd of him to call even when I do accept his calls he always calls me in the morn and on my break and at 730 on his he hasn’t called all day andim thinking when he does call I just won’t answer I’m a lol dad about this but I’m sick of the UK and downs

  5.  #5Brenda on May 1, 2017 at 2:11 pm

    Sorry my post is confusing and spelled wrong I didn’t do spell check my 7 edge just updated and it’s crazy

  6.  #6Brenda on May 1, 2017 at 3:41 pm

    What’s so confusing is in thanksgiving this past yr I stopp3ed communication and on Christmas he called me excessively and I let him come by her brung gifts he too my kids and I put ad a family to the movies I dropped him off that night and he did say that he thought we’d spend time alone and I said tomorrow that night I got home we talked all night in the phone the next day he did not call and I called him and he seemed distant I told him I couldn’t do this and he said ok and we got off the phone the next morn he was calling me I blocked his calls til Feb and in that time between dec and Feb he’d call from other numbers and come by my house every weekend so on Valentine’s day week he called from his friends phone because I had his lone still blocked he asked if he can take me out the weekend so I said yes we went out sat and it was nice that day he said he wanted me to drop him off at home and then he’s come by my house that night and I waited and he didn’t I was so devastated idk what to the n3xt day he said he got drunk I tried the lean back thing since sex I don’t dial his number at all I’m not talking to any other guys no one has approached me I don’t smoke and I’m not overweight I try to be pleasant and nice to men this is the first yr ever I haven’t had a guy consistently and it sucks I’m sad I want to move on this up and down is driving me nuts we went out on Valentine’s day weekend v day was on a tues and he didn’t call me at all that day like he usually does and I went to his job on his break and took him food he said that made him feel food I asked him why he didn’t call all day and say happy Valentine’s day he said well I did take u out on the weekend and he said his friend had problems with his house that he had Rhode with him downtown to try to get stuff together that he had gotten set out his house because his wide left him so he said all day he was helping his friend Allen and that’s why he didn’t call it’s crazy after hearing that i stopped answering his calls and he hates it he calls like non stop and comes by and then when I give it another chance he seems to loose interest

  7.  #7Brenda on May 1, 2017 at 4:00 pm

    Also not to say smoking or being overweight would prevent men from Approaching me or anyone else my mom had smiles since 17 or 18 and her and my Dad have been togethwrefor 47 yrs he smoked but stopped for good and he’s still with my momsgr hasn’t stopped idk what or why men armed approaching me I’m ready to move on

  8.  #8Indigo on May 2, 2017 at 12:23 pm

    Wow, I can so relate to this, and I know so many people who could relate to this!

    Awareness is the key. Apologizing is also the key. If you’re the kind of person who says mean things or belittles other people you have to get into the habit of apologizing every single time, and owning what you’ve done, until you are able to catch yourself more and more.

    Another point here is developing the skill of being able to tell which is his stuff and which is your stuff. I know that when I feel like I “messed up” I can be tempted to take all the responsibility on myself. But I think it’s important to be able to say, I was wrong in doing xyz, I apologize for that unconditionally. But I won’t take responsibility for the way you behaved when you did abc. We’re all adults in relationships and we all need to learn to say sorry and do better when we hurt someone.