If You Want To Know Why He Got Divorced…

Untitled design (14)

142379-Mermaid-siren-The Question:

Carissa says, “I’m interested in a man who’s divorced. I wonder what happened. I don’t want to be nosy. I feel like I’m always either too independent or too giving and not sexy.”

My Answer:

First, let’s talk about the words Carissa’s using – especially this one: “Independent.”

What does that mean?

Let’s start with the Dictionary:

Adjective
1. not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc.; thinking or acting for oneself: an independent thinker.
2. not subject to another’s authority or jurisdiction; autonomous; free: an independent businessman.
3.not influenced by the thought or action of others: independent research.
4.not dependent; not depending or contingent upon something else for existence, operation, etc.
5. not relying on another or others for aid or support.
6. rejecting others’ aid or support; refusing to be under obligation to others.
7. possessing a competency: to be financially independent.
Noun
18.an independent person or thing.
19. a small, privately owned business: The conglomerates are buying up the independents.
20. Politics. a person who votes for candidates, measures, etc., in accordance with his or her own judgment and without regard to the endorsement of, or the positions taken by, any party.
21. (initial capital letter) Ecclesiastical. an adherent of Independency.
22. British. a Congregationalist.
Idioms
23. independent of, irrespective of; regardless of:  Independent of monetary considerations, it was a promising position.
****

So, Independent can mean many things, in many situations. This is the most common and basic idea: Independence means you’re free. You own yourself. You’re not controlled by any authority.

And, because not many of us, with responsibilities everywhere, can say that – let’s go for a more practical definition:

Independence means you can take care of yourself.

And this is where we get ourselves into trouble, and feel confused about how to be open and warm with a man: Urgency and desperation come about from a feeling that your Inner boy can’t take care of you.

That you can’t take care of yourself financially. You can’t take care of yourself physically.

When everything deep inside you knows that’s your job. To take care of you.

The second you start leaning on a man to take care of you for food and shelter, you’re in danger.

(You’re going to get a very controlling man…)

Have you ever met a woman who seems completely a basket case — and yet she has all the self-acceptance in the world?

She just thinks she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread — and you look at her and go, “Oh…..What a mess,” but every guy in the world chases after her because she thinks she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread.

…and that’s what I want you to think about YOU!

Instead of going through your list of what’s good about you and what’s bad about you, I just simply want you to go, “I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.”

Now – back to Carissa:

If you’re toggling between “too independent” and “too giving” (as far as you’re concerned) – then that’s going to hamstring you.

Openness and warmth are allowable inside us because we can trust or basic solidity. That we won’t come apart or dissolve. That we exist, are real, are significant just because we ARE.

So – asking anything of any man isn’t about the “asking” – it’s about where you’re coming from. If YOU think you’re nosy, perhaps you have a hidden agenda.

If you’re holding back on asking, it’s because you also have a hidden agenda, in which you’re concerned about “rocking the boat.”

The answer is always in curiosity. Check into yourself and – if you DO have a hidden agenda – SAY IT!

Say, “I’m feeling weird that you’ll think I’m nosy, and, yet, I still feel curious, I’d like to know about you…would you be willing to tell me what happened in your marriage? Is there anything abut your divorce you’d be willing to share? I’d be happy to let you know about me, too, if you’d like. ..”

And then – you’re clean. All out in the open, all warm.

Independence enough to say the truth, even though it’s scary. Warmth and openness enough to say the truth, even though it feels vulnerable and undefended.

BRAVA!

Love, Rori

Posted in

53 Comments

  1.  #1Leela on September 11, 2015 at 9:13 am

    WOW, love this post!!!

    ‘Urgency and desperation come about from a feeling that your Inner boy can’t take care of you.’

    – This is such an eye-opener for me! It’s very true! When my inner boy isn’t taking care of me I feel the urge, I feel the anxiety, I feel the self doubt, I feel the imbalance in my body…the tightness in my chest. Whereas, when he does- I feel the bliss, I feel the feeling of self-worthiness, in other words the more he takes care of me the more of being the best thing since sliced bread I feel!

    ‘Have you ever met a woman who seems completely a basket case — and yet she has all the self-acceptance in the world?

    She just thinks she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread — and you look at her and go, “Oh…..What a mess,” but every guy in the world chases after her because she thinks she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread.

    …and that’s what I want you to think about YOU!’

    Amazing!!!

    Thank you Rori!!!

    LOVE,

    Leela



  2.  #2Femininewoman on September 11, 2015 at 3:30 pm

    I do tell myself that I am all that. The thing is to get beyond that voice in my head that keep telling me it is a lie.



  3.  #3Zara on September 11, 2015 at 6:36 pm

    Femininewoman 2

    This reminds me of Arianna Huffington’ expression “the obnoxious room mates who live in my head”.
    In this video she talks about the third metric for success founded on well being, wisdom, the ability to wonder and to give back.
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NwyAGR0oLbw

    xxx



  4.  #4Indigo on September 11, 2015 at 9:05 pm

    Sirens,

    What are your thoughts on dating a guy younger than you? Not a huge amount younger but say 7 years. Does it make any difference whatsoever? (my thoughts are no)



  5.  #5Femininewoman on September 12, 2015 at 2:41 am

    Zara thank you.



  6.  #6nyx on September 12, 2015 at 8:43 am

    Only if you are 20, Indigo 😉 Or if you are in a hurry to have children.
    Men seldom seem to ask themselves if it matters if she is seven years younger.



  7.  #7nyx on September 12, 2015 at 8:49 am

    When I was 18, I shared an apartment with a girl who was 26 or 27. A 19 year old guy loved her. Loved. She was very hesitant about the age difference, and he really had to work hard to convince her to date him. This also made her date him for very long, but the outcome was that that as soon she let him, he married her. It worked out well for many years, and as far as I know, they are still together.



  8.  #8Indigo on September 12, 2015 at 9:01 am

    nyx,

    That is such a cute story. And it makes sense. I’ve noticed that men seldom seem to ask or worry about the age difference. In fact in general they seem to worry and get anxious about so much less than we do, I envy them.

    I am 33 so a guy of 26 is not a big deal. The only thing is that such men are often not ready for commitment or to settle down yet. But that is ok. As much as I want it, I suspect I am not yet either. It is not my time yet.



  9.  #9Indigo on September 12, 2015 at 9:11 am

    I am going to probably need the help and support of all the sirens here to lean back.

    So anyway, can I count on all you ladies to hold my hand and keep me strong when I’m feeling those nasty urges to reach out? He’s in conservation and so he’s being posted somewhere far off for a couple of weeks. Anyway, I don’t know if this will turn into anything, maybe it won’t. But I really REALLY need to lean back with this one, and I need the help of you ladies to do it because I suspect I will find it difficult.



  10.  #10Liquid Light on September 12, 2015 at 11:43 am

    I have a date tonight (with someone I’ve gone out with a couple times before) and a date tomorrow with someone new that sounds interesting. I’m also corresponding with two other men whom I haven’t met yet but who both sound intriguing. Nice to have so many interesting men appearing in my life now.

    On another note, I saw the manager at work yesterday. It had literally been a few months since I’d seen him though we’ve been on frequent conference calls together. It was really weird and uncomfortable. He mostly ignored me. His wife came in for a focus group type thing and we were both observing the session together. Talk about awkward. He seemed almost like he was making a point to ignore me/diss me. Ughh. It really felt awful and sad 🙁



  11.  #11Millie on September 12, 2015 at 12:20 pm


  12.  #12Liquid Light on September 12, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    PS: Re. the manager, I was shocked to see him – he had gained a lot of weight (this was especially shocking because he had been very slim) and just didn’t seem happy.



  13.  #13Leela on September 12, 2015 at 1:17 pm

    Indigo, yes! We are all here to help each other xx



  14.  #14Dixie on September 12, 2015 at 4:18 pm

    Sirens,

    I’m in a state of flux and just need a little hand-holding, virtual hugging here…

    I’ve been catching up on all the news here and so inspired by so much glowing and growing.

    After the longest month, I have finally helped my parents move into their new place, and it feels so utterly satisfying now. It was masculine energy for sure (although gentle masculine energy when dealing with seniors 🙂 and now…. I don’t know.

    Sirens, I’ve poured my love and attention into the care and concern over their wellbeing this past year, and now, I can only describe this feeling as questioning and uncertainty as to what happens now with *me*.

    D. and I shared a wonderfully sweet summer, full of love and affection, and despite feeling the need to step away while I was in Portugal, I didn’t. When I came home, it was laughter and love and closeness and it felt so warm and good.

    But after looking after my parents, I need more. I feel so good with him, but deep down, I know he hasn’t promised me an ounce of a lasting partnership.

    We’ve had this conversation before – well, danced around it really- and in August I did mention, when prompted, that in six months from now, I didn’t want to be in the same place…

    And here I am, feeling a bit lost. My care for my parents has ended – they are settled and after years, relieved – and now, I know that I don’t want a boyfriend. I want the excitement and deep satisfaction of a lasting partnership.

    D. isn’t coming any closer in that way, and yet I feel this huge weight when I imagine dating again. I feel excited but nervous, like being at a crossroads. It would feel scary and sad but exhilarating to let go of D. completely and just see what happens in my life…

    He calls, I light up. He texts, I smile. And when we’re together, I feel like a birthday cake candle – lit up and glowing and just purely happy.

    I guess it feels a little scary to let go of this. Part of me knows I can do this, because when I was in my 20s, I went through the same feeling of trepidation and excitement about leaving a relationship. I recall thinking that it felt like being a trapeze artist, letting go of one bar, and having to trust that I would be fine..

    But even when I was married Sirens, I never felt affection like this. I never felt as desired as I do with him, and I’ve never felt as cared for.

    He might just be a messenger… and even that realization right now doesn’t seem quite so scary and anxiety ridden as it might have felt a year ago.

    Still. Oh. A net of emotions here!



  15.  #15Dixie on September 12, 2015 at 4:21 pm

    And as always, this Siren Island has felt like such a loving and safe place to rest and reflect and receive warmth and advice.

    xox to you all.



  16.  #16Femininewoman on September 12, 2015 at 5:53 pm

    “to let go of D”

    The thing though Dixie is why are you holding on to him for dear life? Is it that you don’t trust yourself or you believe there is a lack of good men? Or is it that you only “think” you are holding on to him?

    For some reason I am seeing a beautiful loving of you and him. You are sharing that back then you wanted to be a girlfriend. That was where you were at the time and that was what you wanted. Now you have grown. You are no longer the girl who wanted to be a girlfriend. You have blossomed into a beautiful woman who now wants to be a wife. And you are loving worthy of your hearts desire. You can share with him that you are now ready to open your energy to receive your husband/your soulmate/your beloved. I believe he will appreciate and understand that. If he is not that person he will choose not to block that space because he knows no matter what your energy will attract to you what you desire. Thing is can you allow your heart to attract its twin flame?



  17.  #17Indigo on September 13, 2015 at 12:42 am

    ((Leela))

    Thank you dear!



  18.  #18Indigo on September 13, 2015 at 12:47 am

    ((((Dixie))))

    Sending you much love.

    Leigha Lake wrote about this recently and I think her article might help you:

    http://leighalake.com/how-long-do-you-wait-for-a-commitment-from-the-man-you-love/



  19.  #19Indigo on September 13, 2015 at 12:50 am

    Feminine Woman 16,

    I love what you have said here and I have found that to be very true of the men I have dated recently.



  20.  #20Dixie on September 13, 2015 at 5:11 am

    FW 16 & Indigo 18,

    Thank you so much, lovely ladies. You don’t know how good and reassuring to read your words FW and that link really felt perfect Indigo!

    FW, yes, I love your script here and it reminds me of the one that Indigo provided via the link – just open and warm and loving but without blame, expectation and criticism!

    FW, when I say “let go”, I’m imagining Rori’s tool of so much letting *him* go, but more along the lines of opening my palms, letting go of any expectations that I might be harbouring.

    And yes, you are right! I am holding on to the situation out of a sense of fear! Fear of not ever finding this wonderful feeling again, fear that no one will thrill me and comfort me the same way.

    Yes, he is the type of man who will step away if it is *better* for my long term happiness. That is the part that makes it feel harder. Oh dear!
    .
    Still, being on these boards has taught me how to calm those fears so well, and leaning back has been soooo helpful. I just love your script FW, thank you! You took the words from my own heart. Xox

    That link Indigo, really felt satisfying to read! I love how the script essentially echoes what FW said above. I love Leighas advice to make the shift, say nothing about it, focus on myself, but also have the script ready… I have to say that it feels like a “growing” step for me.. But I feel a little more settled now, less fearful..

    (((Thank you ladies….so, so much.)))



  21.  #21Dixie on September 13, 2015 at 9:47 am

    FW and Indigo – thank you!

    I wrote a reply this morning but it seems to have gone into moderation – darn it 🙂

    Still, thank you both so much -FW, your script is so loving, gentle and beautiful and captures the feelings in my heart. Thank you for your questions too! I’m not really holding on to him for dear life – that would feel scary and anxious and distressing. I think I’m feeling a little anxious because it’s another new step on my path, and it feels like a big step. I can see the stepping stone ahead and I have to just trust that my foot will place firmly…

    I just feel so strangely calm about this! When I say letting go” – in my imagination, I see myself opening my palms, not so much letting *him* go, or releasing *him*, but releasing myself from expectations for both of us…
    Oh!! It felt so good to type that!

    Yes, and he is full of love and would definitely step back if he knew he wasn’t the man for me. Perhaps *that* is exactly what I’m afraid of. FW, I love your way of gentle questioning – it always makes me take another look inside 🙂

    Indigo – thank you for that link! Leigha’s script was so similar to what FW that I had to smile! I like Leigha’s tool of just relaxing for 3 months, (or less), and sort of just tuning out the issue, and focusing on other things for me instead. It reminds me of choosing which sounds to hear when I’m running outside..

    I don’t feel ready to have that discussion right now… but I love that I have a script ready, but most of all, I feel so excited by FW’s image of my heart attracting my “twin flame”.

    It is turning into fall where I am – the air feels crisp and cool, and I have to share that I am feeling so soothed and calm and cozy here. It is time for a little baking today and I’m reminded of all the cozy Sunday moments I loved when I was married.

    Yes, even just imagining my forever partnership seems so yummy today 🙂



  22.  #22Femininewoman on September 13, 2015 at 1:55 pm

    Leigha I love how you wrote that article



  23.  #23Leigha Lake on September 13, 2015 at 8:31 pm

    Indigo – Thank you so much for sharing this article! Xo



  24.  #24Leigha Lake on September 13, 2015 at 8:35 pm

    Feminine Woman – Thank you so much! It feels so good to hear that! 🙂 xo



  25.  #25Leigha Lake on September 13, 2015 at 8:56 pm

    Dixie – I’m glad the article was helpful to you. 🙂 Yes 3 months is generally a long enough time to know where a relationship is going (if not shorter). The timeline allows you to gain more awareness within the relationship. The more awareness we have – the more clearly we can see what the next best step is. Xo



  26.  #26Mandy on September 14, 2015 at 8:36 am

    Leela, about the desperation and the boy side of us,

    I feel the desperation because I have had financial issues and I’m having to borrow from my mom for things like medicine. I know that desperation!!!

    My boy is a rough and tough guy and will stop at nothing to save the little princess inside me. He just recently told a man to back down, lol. The boy took the girl’s life back for her.

    When I feel that desperation, it turns into a survival thing for me, as though my instinct is to tough it out until I have the strength to overpower whatever it is. This has been with relationships, weight loss, college, everything I’ve done that I am proud of or that was life-changing.

    I am lucky I have a very very strong boy side. Some women don’t. I have a couple of friends who are very sweet and nurturing but no not have the ability to advocate for themselves, so I often will help them. They like to tell me I’m such a strong person, and masculine energy. They really really sense the duality in me. I can see how this rough and tough boy side would try to overpower a man in a relationship, I see it very clearly, maybe even getting competitive and trying to beat a man at his own game, in fact I know I’ve always gotten a huge charge when I was a kid about throwing a football better than the neighbor kid and seeing him stunned from a girl beating him at his own game.

    Pretty bad huh, lol. I suppose this could be a way for me to be flirty, like if I was playing a game like pool with a man, so it is useful to be able to do these things with a man, but I am going to have to watch my boy when it comes to being dominant in a situation, lol.



  27.  #27Azure Blu on September 14, 2015 at 10:46 am

    Indigo…
    We are here for you darling Siren,
    I’m feeling a little confused about what you are asking us to support you in?
    This is sounding a little like D… Is this about the new guy?
    pushing your abandonment triggers…

    I felt the last guy Bikecd, was good for you ’cause of all the closeness he brought (in the beginning)
    pushed you out of your comfort with distance and allowed you to relax and lean back

    IMHO… this is not a good place for you to be…
    oxoxoxo



  28.  #28Azure Blu on September 14, 2015 at 10:49 am

    Mandy,
    I love what you shared about role playing with your therapist (3 months) on how you were able to break up with J
    It puts a nice perspective on how long it can take to mentally and emotionally prepare ourselves for the next step!!!
    oxoxoxo



  29.  #29Azure Blu on September 14, 2015 at 11:00 am

    FeminineW #16
    Wow… I too love how you wrote this loving script
    from the heart…
    “You have blossomed into a beautiful woman who now wants to be a wife. And you are loving worthy of your hearts desire.
    You can share with him that you are now ready
    to open your energy
    to receive your husband/your soulmate/your beloved. “



  30.  #30Azure Blu on September 14, 2015 at 11:02 am

    Dixie…
    How wonderful that you focused a year (and a lifetime of love) to the care and guidance
    as your parents were transitioning into a new phase of their life…
    all that loving care, I know was sooo appreciated!
    oxoxo



  31.  #31Azure Blu on September 14, 2015 at 11:06 am

    Liquid Light#10
    Ohhhh… Yummie!!
    All the wonderful masculine energy coming your way…
    Enjoy gentle, beautiful Siren…

    Not surprising that your manager wasn’t capable of handling the moments when you and his wife were at the same event… I feel sorry that his wife stays… I’m sure she knows those situations well. :-\



  32.  #32Liquid Light on September 14, 2015 at 12:39 pm

    Azure, the date yesterday was awful. He was such a turnoff, kinda sleazy, ughh. He had lied in his profile, otherwise I never would have met him. And just had this kind of attitude about him that he just didn’t seem like he felt like he had to go out of his way too much. Disgusting, I wanted to leave as soon as I laid eyes on him. I could just tell immediately that there was 0 attraction. So depressing to meet losers like that. Its really disheartening. Oh well. So many bad dates, I’m really getting tired of the deceptive ways that many men present themselves. Ughh. Just trying to scrub off the slime and move on. Tomorrow is another date, I really hope that he is a decent guy.



  33.  #33Frustrated on September 14, 2015 at 4:54 pm

    My fiancé is currently unemployed. He tries to continue to be a gentleman, insists on paying, and I can see he puts effort in spending time with me. BUT, he’s not present, I believe he is depressed. I don’t know what to do, I feel frustrated and hopeless because I can’t find a solution for him. I am having trouble sharing any concerns on my end either bc I feel so bad for him. I feel lost about feminine energy or masculine in this situation . I even thought I’d clean his messy apartment so he would feel better about his space and feel a glimpse of hope. Any ideas sirens?



  34.  #34Azure Blu on September 14, 2015 at 5:23 pm

    Liquid Light…
    Ohhh… Nooo!!! I hate that when it happens!!
    Is this the guy you had dated before?
    I do so dislike the vibe that some men put out…
    I think it may be a cover up for their insecurities…
    “I just don’t want to bother too much.” ughhhh!!!

    On to bigger and better men!!! :-))
    We can’t let it discourage us for long…
    We are on our bridge… Living our Luscious,
    Amazing life…
    Enjoying all that life brings to us…
    Visualizing our life with Mr. Right!!
    oxoxoxo



  35.  #35Lovergirl on September 14, 2015 at 7:44 pm

    I’ve been super busy but today I was really missing S a lot. I’m so sad that we aren’t talking to one another. It’s been a little over 2 weeks since I last heard from him. I wonder if he’s found someone new? 🙁

    I’ve been pretty good about keeping occupied. I’ve been working a ton and took my kids to the circus (thanks to tickets from RadioCD). Yesterday I took my grandma shopping for a dress to wear to my brother’s wedding (that I’m not invited to) because she was stressed about it. I did it for her, not him, but it still makes me feel angry that he is being such an ass that he wouldn’t invite me to his wedding. I’ve never been anything but nice to my brother in my entire life. Seriously, people used to always comment what a great big sister I was and how nice and how I never even hit him back when he would do something to me as kids. It’s just upsetting and really pretty offensive.

    Then I went to visit my little sister that just had a baby. It reminded me of my miscarriage but I tried to put that out of my head and just focus on the sweet little one. My sister told me she had caught my mom trying to steal her pain pills the other day and that brought up a whole host of feelings.

    It just makes me so angry that my mother is so incredibly, insanely selfish that she would steal from her own children. I know she is an addict but come on. She has been in drug rehab 3 times and was supposedly over the addiction but this confirms my suspicion that she is not. This is why I have such a horrible time trusting anyone- I can’t trust my own mother. She has stolen clothes from my other sister and who knows what else. I only speak to her occasionally and she never comes to visit me, which is probably for the best.

    Today I had a meeting at our new office, near S’s house, and that brought up a lot of memories. I feel like a part of me is missing. I don’t want him to be gone out of my life forever. 🙁

    Still, I feel accomplished. Today I got some stuff I sold online shipped off, took my daughter to speech therapy, went grocery shopping, had a work meeting and still managed to get a fair amount of homeschooling done plus made a beef stew in the crockpot and remembered to take the trash out to the curb. I got laundry done and chores supervised.

    I’ve already doubled the amount of sales leads I had last month. I’m killing it at work, selling at least 3 times more than anyone else and today in the meeting they were saying its because I am “charismatic”. So on that front, things are good!



  36.  #36Indigo on September 15, 2015 at 2:17 am

    So I’m just dating at the moment and need to remind myself not to get hung up on any one man.

    I had an interesting reminder today and it followed on from what Dominique was saying in her teleclass about online dating. I had a first coffee date on Friday night and I must say in the beginning I just really wasn’t feeling it. In fact, I was so close to just calling off the whole thing and telling him that I felt like going home. But I remembered Dominique’s reminder about giving guys a chance and that they are nervous too on the first date and unless he is doing something really heinous, just trying to stay open to him. The date did improve as it wore on, we both seemed to relax more, warm up more and talk more easily. It wasn’t great, but I wasn’t sorry I went. He dropped me off at home, hugged me and texted me to thank me. I basically forgot all about it after that. Today he texted me again saying that his ex had actually contacted him right before he met me and that had thrown him into a bit of a tailspin and he had needed time to get over that and he’d like to see me again. It was just such a great reminder that it would be so easy to take it personally if we don’t have a great date and if a guy seems a little withdrawn, but guys can have their own stuff going on which has nothing to do with us.

    All such great learning experiences!



  37.  #37Dominique on September 15, 2015 at 6:23 am

    Just a little reminder – the second class – Creating MAGIC in Relationship – is TODAY!!! There is still time to register if you wish to attend. This WILL be recorded, so if you can’t make it and would still like to hear, register, and the recording will be sent to you.

    Hope to see you later.

    xxoo

    http://sexandheart.com/free-teleclass/



  38.  #38Liquid Light on September 15, 2015 at 10:42 am

    I went out last night with a girlfriend to happy hour. We ended up meeting a guy who was there for Monday Night football. He’s married but it was fun to chat. Really nice guy. We asked if he had any single friends and he said that he did. So the plan is to meet at the same bar in 2 weeks so that we can meet his friends. LOL. Who knows if anyone will show up but its kind of a fun plan!



  39.  #39Liquid Light on September 15, 2015 at 11:16 am

    Meanwhile, I got a message from the hot sexy valentine that I met on Valentine’s Day this year. The one I made out with on my friend’s couch. LOL. Too funny. He just messaged me on POF out of the blue. Not sure what to make of it. He’s extremely attractive and the chemistry between us was off the charts. But he seemed like he was just into sex and so I lost interest. Besides that, he’s not really relationship material in my book. He’s a construction worker and though there’s nothing wrong with that I’m looking for more of a professional type…though he is so darn cute! 🙂



  40.  #40Frustrated on September 15, 2015 at 11:29 am

    Liquid light, I’d say men are into the sex mostly in the beginning and then once they get to know more of you, they fall in love☺️Give him a chance, enjoy the chemistry, and open up the other sides of you both so it occurs… And go for it



  41.  #41Lovergirl on September 15, 2015 at 4:02 pm

    I had the day off work today and its been awful because no matter what I do I can’t seem to keep my mind off of S. I miss him so terribly. It’s been 16 days since we last spoke to each other on the phone after my birthday and I feel like I am going crazy. 🙁 I can’t seem to get over him and I have absolutely no desire to be with other men. I’m heartbroken. 🙁



  42.  #42Liquid Light on September 15, 2015 at 4:25 pm

    Thanks Frustrated 40! I might have to give it a shot. He is an absolutely gorgeous stud of a man. I mean the kind of guy that you can’t take your eyes off of and who is 120% M-A-N, it just oozes from his every cell…. It might be useless for me to resist…hahaha 🙂



  43.  #43Mandy on September 15, 2015 at 5:19 pm

    Oh boy I missed the class Dominique, I was just so tired this noon I barely just made it up and about. I hope what was discussed helped everyone! 🙂



  44.  #44Azure Blu on September 15, 2015 at 9:45 pm

    Liquid Light…#42
    WOWOWOWOOW!!!
    This sounds amazing/@#$
    I agree with Frustrated…
    go for it… relax and be surprised@@!!!



  45.  #45Indigo on September 15, 2015 at 9:45 pm

    Lovergirl 41,

    I feel for you because I went through that for such a long time where D was concerned. And I’m talking YEARS. It is hard to imagine a more intense love than what I felt and yet I did finally move past that stage of yearning and not being able to open up to anyone else. All I can say is that it takes time and staying away from contact. There is no magic formula in my experience. We who have had pain and damaged attachment patterns in our past have a lot of healing to do and this is how it shows up. But you can console yourself with the fact that the healing IS happening. Practice leaning back with everyone – being an invitation, having your heart soft and open, receiving what they give you rather than reaching forward with your energy – so that this all becomes easier and second nature in time.



  46.  #46Azure Blu on September 15, 2015 at 9:57 pm

    Lovergirl #41
    Hugggssss!!!
    You can do it!!!
    as Indigo says… we have all been thru this very feeling…
    it HURTS, IT S*CKS, YOU ARE doing GREAT@@@

    Feel all these feelings!!!

    #35
    You are doing so great at work!@
    Congratulations!
    I know it must be sooo hard to have your work be sooo dam* close to S’s house@@@
    Uggghhhh!!!

    Also I know it must feel sooo abandoned and unloved
    to NOT be able to trust your own MOTHER!!!

    These might be some of the healing you
    need to fill in those holes that are there..
    YOU can do that for YOU and your children!!!
    oxoxo



  47.  #47Dominique on September 16, 2015 at 6:10 am

    Mandy – 43 – If you registered for the call, you will have received a recording. Please let me know if you don’t see it.

    xxoo



  48.  #48Liquid Light on September 16, 2015 at 9:21 am

    Ugghh, I just had someone try to scam me from an online dating site. He said he just landed a big job in Dubai and flew out there last week. And then told me he can’t get started on the job because he can’t get money from the bank to start. And wants to borrow 3K from me which he will pay back next week. Ughh. What a bummer. I can’t believe he’s trying to scam me like that. This is the worst of the worst of online dating. So depressing…I feel like crying 🙁



  49.  #49Liquid Light on September 16, 2015 at 11:09 am

    On another note, I had a really nice date last night with a nice normal smart attractive man! Finally, I met someone decent. So ridiculous how hard it is to find a decent guy. Keep meeting deceptive liars and now one of them is trying to scam me. Unbelievable and Pathetic.



  50.  #50Mandy on September 16, 2015 at 2:50 pm

    Wow I feel like everything is coming clear to me, I have a direct line right now to my memories as a growing teenage girl and i have been fighting so hard to recover those memories since I became an adult it hasn’t happened until now, I feel the juiciness I felt as I was blossoming into a young woman, and I have to say, no man, no sex, no anything feels as good as that. It’s all me.

    I tested it out by playing a song I remembered from then, and sure enough, I could feel exactly what I felt then and I knew it right down to my very core. It’s not locked in time, it is who I am. Still.

    Nothing feels better. Nothing!



  51.  #51Azure Blu on September 16, 2015 at 7:32 pm

    {{{{Mandy #50}}}}
    This is inspiring me to go back to when I was a very
    strong and authentic me..
    and YES music takes me back to that place.



  52.  #52flower on September 20, 2015 at 12:42 pm

    age difference..well whe i was 30 i dated 20 yr old guy but it was oly good in bed so nothing came out of it, and now recently i met guy 5 yrs younger than me and saw him very young even before we went out, first he said he was single, then that he had clingy gf then that he broke up with her then that he got back with her , all in 3 weeks and as i wast stupid to go out before its sorted i never did cos he got back with her or maybe lied , i uo but older guy dont do show like this



  53.  #53Shell on December 5, 2015 at 5:07 pm

    I have definitely noticed those “basket case” women who attract men like flies to honey because these women feel seem to feel that they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. One woman always gets engaged a few months within meeting a man, and *she* is the one to end her relatioships or put off marriage, not the men.

    I have never been unduly concerned about money/security stuff. I have never looked to a man for that, and I feel pretty confident about my ability to survive in life.

    However, I used to not want to feel dependent on people for anything, and I was very withdrawn because of it. It was good for me to acknowledge that I do need other people emotionally – “No woman is an island”. Instead of making me needy, it made me more open and I began to make friends better and generally do better socially.

    However, I am having trouble cultivating the “I’m the best thing since sliced bread” attitude without being dismissed as a vain snob by others. I am naturally a quiet person, and I’ve thought that maybe this attitude works best for outgoing women. There are times I feel good about myself, and I find both men and women trying to “cut me down”. Men in particular may purposely not acknowledge me or try to subtly take me down a notch as if to say “you’re not too good for me, not even good enough.” Maybe these people are just jerks, but probably I am not sending out the right, uh, vibes still.

    I am not really sure where in my internal emotion that “I’m the best thing since sliced bread” becomes “I’m too good for anyone.”

    Please advise!

    Oh, and if anyone can direct me to a blog post about being invisible in general (ie not attracting men to begin with, forget even having the chance to screw up interactions), then that would be much appreciated.