If Your Marriage Has Gone Cold – It’s Fixable!

Facetune (20)

The Question From “D”:

“Rori, I have been going through your ‘Have the relationship you want’ and ‘Surrender to love’ programs and I am really enjoying what I am learning so much that I have bought your whole collection.

I was raised by woman only, mother, grandmother and big sister. My dad left us when I was very small, so I started building on my armor from a very small age.

My husband and I have been married over 12 years now, he is a wonderful man and husband and he is very loving and respectful.

From the outside our marriage looks like a fairy tale. Often people say we look like we still in the honeymoon stage. He loves holding and kissing me, however the sex and passion has left our marriage.

My husband has performance anxiety, which he drinks tablets for, however I don’t believe he needs the tablets. I believe it is all in his mind. In the early years of our marriage we had great sex, all the time. He use to often buy me lingerie, so much that I have a whole collection range.

The only way we become intimate now is if I suggest or initiate it and often this doesn’t even work.

He has no drive to pursue me anymore, and I honestly think he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. He is a wonderful friend at this stage and we share a household and that is it. He loves to cuddle in front of the TV in our bedroom (which I am learning to hate) and that is as far as it goes. I now believe the problem lies with me after reading through your programs.

I will confess that I am a very controlling, strong and independent female, due to my childhood. I am also nurturing him like a child all the time. Doing things for him, telling him to be careful and even taking out his clothes and daily prescribed medicine and laying it out for him. I have immediately stopped that now.

He was confused in the beginning as to why I have stopped, but now he is managing just fine.

I have completely stopped doing things for him and telling him what to do or suggesting anything to him. I have also stopped picking up and cleaning up after him, and I was blown away when he started cleaning up and picking up after himself all of a sudden.

Sometimes things stay messy for a while, but eventually he just does it. I have tried some of your suggestions of surrendering and loosing the ‘stance’ when I am with him, and I must say I have seen some changes in his sexual interest in me, without using any medication which was such an amazing discovery, this was also out of the blue. I didn’t have to initiate anything.

The one day I was just looking out the window and admiring the view and he came up behind me and that was it, it just happened. I just froze, I was so amazed. This has only happened twice now, it has slowed down again and I wish I knew exactly what it was I did to bring this on as I can’t pinpoint it.

Something I often now wonder about is whether I should just stop undressing and showering in front of him. He sees me naked just about every day, twice a day. Could this also be part of the problem?

He is so used to seeing me like this. I have also started dressing more feminine, which I am actually really enjoying. Wearing dresses, jewelry, make-up, perfume, lace underwear and I have lost some weight.

I normally used to just slap something on and hit the desk. Now I carefully select and think about what I want to wear and prance around in my dressing room in the morning.

Now here comes my big problem Rori, I have a high powered position and I am literally my husbands boss on a professional level and we work from home together with a team remotely.

So now I am not only instructing and asking of him all day long, but I am also doing this in our home. I have tried wearing the boss hat only in our office and not anywhere else in the house. I was promoted about 2 years ago, and if I think about it now that is round about when the sex started leaving our marriage.

I have started using the approach of sending him emails rather than asking him outright to do things to try and see if this could help the situation. I am 100% convinced now after going through your programs, with me being his boss, it has definitely affected our love life in a negative way.

He sees me as his boss now and as nothing else. The job and industry we are in is very stressful and often I need to be hard on him to get a job done.

I have no idea what to do. I have worked so hard to be where I am now and I certainly don’t want to give up my position.

I really want to try and save this marriage. I love him very much. What do you suggest I do Rori?

Thank you

D”

My Answer:

D – amazingly enough, your situation is not all that uncommon.

Not only does this happen “at work” – it happens in household things: What the kids should be doing, where we go for a vacation, how we spend money (this is big!), and – “How do we DIY remodel a house together or do ANY project together, when I’m obviously better at most EVERYTHING than YOU are?”

The thing is – we ARE often so much better at everything than he is.

So – it’s always going to be about “how he should do things that you are better at!”

When you are officially his “boss” – as you are – it’s so much harder, and I’m so sorry for your situation.

And – I know many women who are entrepreneurs, run businesses, and their husbands “help”.

These women have to find a way to NOT “tell him what to do.”

So – try this: Look at what it is you want him to do. What you need to ask him, etc., and see if you can phrase it WAY differently.

Like set up a schedule for the team, send it out.

When there’s a new task, send it out with perameters – a general thing, so you’re not writing to your husband specifically and asking him to do something.

It could look like : “Monday, 10am new task set:  and write it out here.

I KNOW you can figure this out!  I KNOW you can create this as a “team” – even though you’re in charge.

And – you can also TALK about this with him! Yes you can!

Write up a speech, using all feeling messages:

“Honey, can we talk? I feel really icky being your boss. I hate giving assignments, I just feel so uncomfortable, and I feel so worried that it’s killing the romance between us. Is there anything we can do – and I’m willing to try anything – that would help us?

I really love you, I feel so attracted to you, and I want to have a sex life with you. I need that.  If being in charge at work is ruining our marriage, I don’t know what to do. Do you have any ideas?

And talk it through!

Let HIM work it out.  Keep talking!

And next: I absolutely would NOT tolerate a sexless marriage.

The way you fix this starts with Circular Dating, then with you getting serious about what you want and need.

He’ll be able to feel the shift in you, and be WAY more willing to talk this out with you than to lose you in some way.

You’re a catch, I know it, just reading what you’ve written.

And he possibly feels that in a way that is NOT motivating him, because he just doesn’t feel up to your level, and can’t deal with what he feels about that.

The trick is to Circular Date to create some distance between you, and, at the same time,  open up so much more warmth from deep inside you that it completely shifts the whole dynamic between you.

Then, you have to get behind what you want and need, and learn how to say it to him in a way he can hear.

I absolutely encourage you to work with a coach to shift this whole experience with your husband.

Sex itself is a healing experience, and learning how to “just be with yourself” so he feels healed everytime he encounters you wouls be a huge step in the right direction.

I KNOW it’s fixable!

You can get a top level coach through me – someone who can handle all the aspects of your situation, and I’ll personally refer you to someone I KNOW can help you – just write me from any contact form here on the blog (I’ll put one below, here) and I’ll help you get this fixed fast.

Love, Rori

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