If You’re Afraid Of Intimacy

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It’s possible that most of us have never known true intimacy from the moment we came into the world.

We’ve been labelled, taught, cajoled and prodded, been threatened by all forms of authority, told what’s true and what isn’t, and disrespected for everything from our feelings to our thoughts. Our relationships have been more about pleasing others than pleasing ourselves.

More about struggling and using our wits to get what we need and what we think we want than discovering what it is we really want.

Sometimes we need someone else to tell us that it’s okay to want what we want.

Sometimes we only accidentally discover that the person we really are, warts and all, underneath all the masks and games we’ve learned to put between ourselves and others, is truly loveable. It can change our lives forever, or remain a lost opportunity forever.

Someone sees us — really sees us — in a moment of accidental abandon and their heart fills up with love for us. We deny this possibility and push that someone away because we so don’t believe we are loveable.

Does this sound like you? It’s most all of us.

We can’t, or won’t get close enough to someone who may very well be a great partner for us because we’ve never done it.

We don’t know how.

To quickly get new skills (and desire!) for real, in-the-moment, emotional connection and Intimacy:Try Siren Circle Live Coaching Class!

You’ll be coached personally by amazing Rori Raye Coaches (the first 2 weeks, beginning January 23rd, you’ll be coached by Natalina Love and Naomie Thompson, the “Lead Coaches” on Siren Island)  in the safe, love-filled and fast-working Siren Circle group setting.

You can try The Circle out one month at at time, with no long-term commitment. Go here to learn more about how Siren Circle can help you “Bring Him In”->

http://www.coachrori.com/siren-school-siren-circle/

When I was an actor, I did not have access to my emotions (pretty big skill limitation for an actor).

I could pretend fairly well, and it got me far –I could laugh nearly anytime, but I was completely detached from my anger and pain.

An actor friend told me – “fake it til you make it.” Meaning, if I pounded the table hard enough and long enough with my fist, I’d feel angry. If I hit my hand with a hammer over and over again, I’d feel pain. I’d probably cry.

I use some of this “fake it til you make it” philosophy in teaching you how to express yourselves (and sharing all the techniques I discovered to find my feelings and dig deeper into the feelings and learn to express them no matter what) — because we’ve all already been pounding the table and hitting ourselves with hammers to feel bad, instead of finding and using new things to do that make us feel good.

Sometimes, just not saying or doing something can trigger the real stuff.

Sometimes, just not saying or doing something you’ve always said or done in the same situation will change the pattern of your life forever.  Change the dynamic in a relationship you may already be in – forever.

Trust creeps in, in small ways.

Intimacy takes hold in the spaces between words.

Not speaking not from your heart leaves room for speaking from your heart.

The next time you’re tempted to tell a man what to do, even though you know how to do it better than he does, or to even just tell him what you think — stop yourself. Stop talking. See what happens.

So what do you do when you’ve stopped talking? How do you communicate anything?

The simple answer is to use an “I feel” message. This sounds easy. But it’s probably something you don’t really have words for. Starting with “I feel” is the perfect start, but what then?

Go with what’s really there. Feel the floor under your feet. Feel the table in front of you. Feel your heart beat, your stomach gurgle, the tightness in your chest that’s there because you’re mad, or upset, or frustrated, or giddy, and you don’t know what to say.

Feel the most concrete, real, simple thing you can, and say that.

Just saying, “I feel hungry” is better than “Let’s go to that little Italian place, okay?”

This is a game, you say. No, it isn’t. It’s the missing link.

The missing piece that we never learned as children. We learned how to get along, how to influence others, how to look and do good, but we never learned how to even make contact with what we really feel, much less ever said it simply.

A woman who can say what she feels, simply, directly, passionately, with energy and conviction or matter-of-factness will find her man in record time. And there will be nothing to stop him from grabbing her and running with it.

Hope to see you in Siren Circle (I personally supervise ALL Siren School classes and coaches, and want to KNOW how you’re doing!). Go here to learn how Siren Circle works->

The Rori Raye Method® of coaching is something completely different, and if you’ve never had an experience with a Rori Raye trained coach – Siren Circle makes it easy for you to try so many out. Each coach has a personal “turnaround” story that you might identify with – and so that coach can specifically help you turnaround YOUR story!

Men are supposed to behave a little “different” when they’re in love — only we’ve all forgotten.

They’re supposed to turn cartwheels.  And they DO.

But we’re all embarrassed. We’re all afraid of intimacy. What would happen if we behaved as if we weren’t?

Love, Rori

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5 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on January 13, 2018 at 2:16 pm

    yay yay happy Daria… you know ive tuned the Beginning meeting stage of men to me. I practiced it how Rori said at first for years until i got the ‘juice’ of it.

    For example i only called back if they left VM and even went to a country where ppl in general don’t ever use voicemail – and i called no one bacik! Drat! hahahaha

    so then i now call back missed number calls

    Then now the past month ive been telling men what to do. Like “call me” “i wanna meet you so call me if you wanna”

    HAHAHAHA

    what a relief i was feeling bored of sayi8ng “it would feel soooo good to get a call” 😛 eye roll that is not my style

    AFTER we meet then all that stops, but for first time men who are texting a lot im not bothering with i dont like texting it feels better to talk

    im like “call me”

    YES! bec im lean back and my ENERGY is on point it is more authentic for me

    in this ‘business-like’ section of pre meeting

    i feel scared now having written this. blink blink.

    i love me and the fun im having!



  2.  #2Lovergirl on January 14, 2018 at 8:58 pm

    I haven’t posted here in what feels like a million years. A lot of things have changed, and I kind of numbed out my emotions in order to move forward at work. I guess I’ve been in “boy” energy for awhile. I’m in a position of management, making pretty good money and moving forward with that.

    Anyway, I’m feeling confused. There is this guy, maybe even someone I talked about a few years back on this blog. At the time I really wasn’t over “S” – the guy I was seeing and all caught up over. I’m finally feeling over him, by the way. Anyhow, I ran into this guy at a funeral and we had a one night stand. HE said he wanted to date me and was practically begging me to be his girlfriend but I just wasn’t there and it was all too fast. (I’ve known him since we were teenagers, we went to high school together and he swore he’d always had a crush on me but I saw him as a friend). I told him it was all to fast and I wasn’t ready and he said okay we could be friends. He called me once after that to ask me out and I kind of blew him off and didn’t hear from him after that. I figured if he was serious about what he had said he would try harder.

    Anyhow, shortly after that, maybe a month or two later, he started dating another girl that we both went to school with. They have been together like two and a half years, well until last week. She apparently dumped him and he is heartbroken.

    About 9 months ago, I needed a car and contacted him because he sold cars for a living. I came to the dealership with another guy, a friend from work. The way he acted toward the work friend was not friendly at all (and he is an outgoing, friendly guy). Work friend was like wow, he doesn’t like me, does he want to date you or something?

    I didn’t bring the guy back and he was super sweet and flirty and friendly towards ME every time I came in. I had to come back several times because I was in a bad car accident and later needed to buy a second car. We had more interactions because I get free tickets to things from work and let him have a couple and he brought his girlfriend. I talked to her and we were all friendly, no problems.

    I could tell he is still attracted to me and likes me from the way he behaved, but we never did anything wrong. He didn’t try to cheat on her but he is a big flirt, always hugging me and calling me “beautiful” and telling me I look good, etc. He likes and hearts my things on Facebook a lot and he expressed a lot of concern when I was in an accident and about some other things going on in my life. Once he “pocket dialed” me from a poker night with the guys and one of the guys there was teasing him in the background, acting like he had a crush on me.

    Anyhow, I ran into him at a basketball game he was at with a male friend recently. I was there with a different guy that I work with and he completely ignored him, but gave me a big hug and told me he had changed jobs. I asked why he was job hopping and told him he should come do sales where I work because our sales guys get paid twice as much as a car salesman.

    A few weeks later he called me and said he was interested in a job with us. So I got him an interview and my boss LOVED him, as did the sales manager. He is most likely going to be hired within the next couple of weeks. I was, and still am, super excited for him because its an amazing opportunity. I don’t see the sales guys all that much because I am in marketing, which is another dept. but I know they do really well.

    Anyhow, he called me the other day, after the interview, to tell me his girlfriend dumped him and he is absolutely crushed. I feel so confused by this. Part of me is happy they are breaking up because I like him myself, to be honest. Another part is just feeling really protective and motherly towards him because I know he’s hurt. Yet, it also kind of stings to hear how in love he is with her. Ugh.

    I’m not sure if I’m totally friend zoned with this guy, but I know I wouldn’t want to be second to someone else. Honestly I’m not sure how to act. He went on for like 30 minutes telling me how he felt about things and how she had treated him and how he made her dinner and she didn’t show up twice in a row and he was upset and they got in a fight. He said he said some things he didn’t mean and she got upset and he tried to apologize and she said she is done.

    According to him, she blocked him on Facebook and blocked his phone and cried at his work, telling him she “just can’t do this anymore”. Then after all that she somehow looked at his Facebook again and got jealous over a comment a girl made and got mad at him for not deleting her, though he had flat out told the girl he was already in love with someone, I saw the comment. She had commented on a photo and asked if he was married and he told her no but that he was with someone.

    He told me he has never cheated on her and that he feels like he’s been really good to her, but at one point they were living together and she kicked him out for a couple of months. Not just him, but a disabled relative that he takes care of, and he said they were briefly homeless but he managed to secure a place and still took her back.

    Obviously from his side of the story he’s always going to make himself out to be the good guy, but from what I know about him I feel like most of it is probably true. He said he took flowers and lunch to her at work and she told him to leave and give her space.

    THEN he posts this sad and pathetic stuff on Facebook and I had to say something. I flat out told him that is not going to be attractive to her. I said you’ve at least got to ACT like you’ve got it together or you are going to run her off even more. I said I know its harsh but I am telling you this because I care about you and she is over here posting videos of herself with her hair done and looking cute and like nothing is wrong. He said okay and that she had blocked him so she wouldn’t see it. I said yeah but people who are close to her will tell her. I know you are being real with your feelings but you don’t want to be the weak one in the relationship.

    I genuinely wanted to help him but that was giving advice, so probably not the right thing to do. Ugh. I don’t even know anymore and even after all this broken hearted pathetic behavior I still really like him. I’m surprised I’m not turned off. I’m also worried that I’m completely friend zoning myself with him. Sigh…..



  3.  #3Indigo on January 14, 2018 at 11:58 pm

    Lovergirl,

    Hi! I remember you 🙂 It’s good to see you back.

    I’m confused… He asked you out a while back and you turned him down, and then you agreed to be friends, but now you are worried that you are being friend zoned? It seems to me that you are acting like a friend because you guys *are* friends.
    I feel that if you want to be more than friends with this guy, your actions and your words will need to be consistent with someone who doesn’t want to be just friends. You might tell him all the masculine qualities in him that you admire and that your feelings for him go deeper than friendship and that you do not feel able to only be friends. And then your actions will need to line up with that. You’d need to start being soft and feminine and flirtatious around him rather than giving him advice about his girlfriends.
    Otherwise I think your behaviour would come across as really confusing to him and just about anyone….



  4.  #4Lovergirl on January 15, 2018 at 1:32 am

    Hey Indigo! Good to « see » you again! It was a couple years ago that we were going to be just friends and we really didn’t hang out or anything like that until the last several months. Somehow in that time I’ve developed some more than just friendly feelings. It FELT like there was something more on his end too, but I could be wrong because like I said this breakup is obviously devastating to him.

    Maybe that is where I am confused but I shouldn’t be. Him being broken up could be a good thing for me in that respect but not if he sees me as just a friend. I guess that’s where I’m going with this and I’m afraid I’m already on the path of screwing it up by behaving like a friend and giving advice rather than doing whatever might attract him to me down the road when he is over this.

    I like your ideas. I’m terrible at showing my feelings and hide them all from him for fear of getting hurt. So there is a good chance he has no clue.



  5.  #5Lovergirl on January 15, 2018 at 7:36 pm

    Today he called to tell me how excited he is to be coming to shadow one of our sales guys later in the week. I’m happy and excited for him but didn’t really overly express it. I was in a car with a girlfriend when I was talking to him and that probably held me back too. I really need to work on showing my feelings more.

    Anyway he said I’m « like an angel from heaven «  to him and that what I said to him the other day was actually what he needed to hear. He said he’s not going to grovel like that over anyone any more. He really did sound a lot better.

    He told me a little more about their breakup and I asked if he is still holding onto hope that they will get back together. He said kind of but that he thinks she is seriously done this time.

    I know that he needs time to get over her. I want to get myself out of the friend zone while he does that because I really do like him. I’m confused sometimes because he is flirty and affectionate and always complimenting my looks and that can be seen as more than friendly but it may just be his personality.