If You’re Attracting Low-Quality Men – Try This

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This is fantastic! I’m truly starting to get a fuller idea of who you are and what your situation is – and yet I’m going to answer just off of each comment, as if I don’t know you, to give a better answer…

FIRST – it’s important that you know we are all DIFFERENT. Our personalities are totally different, our values are different, our deep-down themes are different.

I love the “Enneagram,” which categorizes personalities in a terrific way, and the Myers-Briggs personality tests that counselors use to help people find the professions and jobs that most suit them and most interest them. What they all show is that you can really see if a person’s “themes” – the way they act those out in the world, is to retreat from life because of fear, to behave dangerously because of fear, to want to joyfully try everything, to be focused on serving others, etc. – all kinds of ways to categorize behavior, based on what’s most IMPORTANT to a person.

And…there are a lot of inner reasons why one thing (let’s say loyalty, or security, or making peace, or anger) would be more important to one woman than to another. Why those inner driving forces would “run” one woman and not another.

So – my Tools are to help you follow the Rori Raye Mantra no matter WHAT your particular, unique inner driving forces are.

In the posts on Power & Self-Esteem, we’ve been working on line 2 of the Mantra – “Follow Your Feelings” – and you’re all getting SO good at it!

Now I see we need to get a clearer picture of how to Trust Your Boundaries and Choose Your Words – so that you don’t feel like your feelings are out-of-control and you find yourself acting on every impulse.

So – let’s start with Alias Girl’s comment – in this comment you talk about being too picky, and wonder..”…I mean I seem to have become a man magnet but how do I raise the quality of these men? what about ME is attracting low quality men? am I low quality and just unaware of it and these men are reflecting that back to me? what tool can I use to attract my dream man?”

Here’s what’s happening. You’re allowing all kinds of men to get into your space – which is WONDERFUL. This is totally the first step you need to take.

Here’s what’s missing, and where we’ll go next:

1. What you don’t FEEL yet – is that you have a CHOICE – and you DO!

2. The men you are attracting are not necessarily “low-quality” men. As you learn to SPEAK to them “I really felt icky when you said…” “I feel very sensitive. “Kindness and compassion and generosity are very important qualities for me in a man, and I don’t feel comfortable with being judged or hearing that kind of stuff…”

Do you see how you’re still thinking about “What do I DO?” – and we still need to focus on “What do I FEEL?” – and then practice saying that out loud to a man.

That’s what all these men are showing up for – for you to PRACTICE on. It’s much easier to learn when you practice on men you’re NOT hugely attracted to, so that when the really great guys come along it’s almost automatic for you.

I mean – we’re moving fast – but to really get this all down you have to practice. And that’s why these men are showing up – to SHAKE YOU UP!!! In a GOOD way!

3. You are attracting (and attracted to) men who are not the quality you want for lifelong commitment not because YOU are low-quality. It’s because you BELIEVE (somewhere deep inside) that you are low-quality, and that this kind of man is all you deserve.

That’s what we’re working on. To get you so loving yourself, so appreciating yourself that you whip around those old, deep, hard to get to beliefs about yourself.

So – Alias Girl – This is your focus – to get how this works. I want you to love and appreciate yourself – and then I want you to love and appreciate the fact that WHATEVER man has shown up for you to practice with, and I want you to FIND OUT, just by intuiting, and being, and receiving, what the MESSAGE is that he’s bringing. Find out what’s interesting about him. Find out why he showed up in your life, just by following your feelings.

Sometimes the message is: “I don’t have to do this again…”

Next post for Marplot about “Depressed” men.


  1.  #1Daria on October 13, 2008 at 10:53 am

    “I really felt icky when you said…”

    “Kindness and compassion and generosity are very important qualities for me in a man, and I don’t feel comfortable with being judged or hearing that kind of stuff…”

    I was trying to avoid adressing issues this way because I didn’t want it to be about him, or about what he said. I would say just… I feel icky… and if he said why… I would just repeat it or give a different feeling message… this seems more direct and I’m glad it’s still feminine energy. I can’t wait to try this on some people…

    Also what do you think about giving a message like this versus just retreating… (ie hanging up, or no longer taking calls) I kind of feel I am running away, but I know that moving away is always ok… right?

  2.  #2Daria on October 13, 2008 at 11:12 am

    ok adding some fun info…

    went out with my guy friends (including my once crush – “biggest problem” ever). I was so in my feminine energy efortlessly! I shared all feeling messages… he kept wanting to sit next to me, wanted to sit next to me in the car… wanted to pay for my food! hehehe (sounds minor but very different from before). well that was VERY fun… I did feel weird at the end because I felt bored and went home instead of hanging out some more…

    can we say huge shift ! I used to feel so down and like I was hung up on a huge hook from my stomach everytime I saw this man! Now he did all those things that used to upset me before… call other women, flirt with them, etc… I continued to feel that I love myself!!! OH I SO LOVE MYSELF THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

  3.  #3Rori Raye on October 13, 2008 at 11:18 am

    It’s hard, Daria, to give you an answer without a specific situation…I’ll try:

    If you’re involved with a man, and this behavior repeats over and over again (even after a 3rd date, let’s say) and you’re feeling like you just don’t want to see him anymore, you can simply never accept another call or date from him. Basically, you express your feelings of “ick” one more time and then, it’s over for you. That’s it. No more seeing him, he’s gone. And since you’re Circular Dating, you just add another man to your rotation. Simple as that.

    If, however, the stuff is aimed at YOU – and it makes you feel bad about YOU (not just judgmental about HIM), and you express yourself FIRST in a feeling message – “I feel uncomfortable, what do you think…” – and he DOESN’T move to help you feel better, if he in fact gets MORE intense and makes you feel even worse – then you just turn around and walk, you hang up, you get out of there.

    Do these steps make sense?

    Love, Rori

  4.  #4Rori Raye on October 13, 2008 at 11:19 am

    Daria – to your new comment – BRAVA!!! Yaaay! Love, Rori

  5.  #5Daria on October 13, 2008 at 1:57 pm

    Thank you Rori…
    yes… it makes sense…

    What I understand is… be brave and express yourself, don’t use moving away as an excuse to avoid expressing your feelings… and then move away anyways if that is what you still feel like doing


  6.  #6alias girl on October 13, 2008 at 2:10 pm

    thank you so much rori! well it’s definitely a better perspective to think these men are just showing up for me to practice a lot. A Lot. i’ve had so many situations come up where i was thinking, this can’t be real. men can not really be this clueless. like over the top. (stranger on the street stopping me to ask for my # bc he likes women who have ass like mine. SERIOUSLY? or another guy talking about fucking and bitxches. the first guy i didn’t say anything and didn’t draw proper boundaries. i actually smiled and said no i wasn’t offended when i was actually extremely offended. the second guy i said i felt uncomfortable with that and then he went on to say the exact same thing two more times. i expresssed my discomfort again and just walked away. sometimes though rori i don’t even want to respond back. i just want to retreat and cut contact. likr the man online who referred to women as heiffers. his whole email was just so repulsive to me that i didn’t even see the point of responding back. do i hate men? is that why i am attracting men who hate women? no. i am just working through my self hatred. my mis beliefs of my only value be sexual and then feeling angry about that. this keeps coming up for me. i want a good sexual relationship but i don’t want to be this one dimensional objectified sex object to be used only for that. it’s confusing though since that’s how my sexuality and feeliings of arousal have been wired bc of my childhood. so i like to be objectified but BY THE MAN WHO LOVES ME. not some guy i just met ot haven’t chosen to with. process. it’s all process and practice and feels like a nice breeze coming through my life. a nice frsh healing clean breeze.

  7.  #7Daria on October 13, 2008 at 10:28 pm

    i feel so sad…
    this guy who is a friend but whom i like and likes me is upset that i haven’t gone to see him… i told him i don’t like coming to see men but he has pointed out that i have gone to see some of my guy friends…

    i feel so confused… i want him to see me! even if he does have to take public transportation and even if it is dangerous for him to come here…

    but i feel guilty… I feel even more guilty with him texting stuff like “I thought you cared…” and that I’ve gone to see other friends… I’m trying to avoid explaining myself and sticking to my feelings…

    right now I texted : I feel angry!!! and heartbroken aaah!!!

    LOL now I feel amused!!

    this feels super intense…

  8.  #8Daria on October 13, 2008 at 11:22 pm

    this feel horrible… i feel like i am turning away this guy who is a friend… wow this sux… i feel so confused…

    and i love being confused… even tho it feels so sad I just wanna cry and give up… i feel soooo soo sad and I love feeling i love feelings so strongly and I love myself… i love me even though i am confused!!!!!!!!! i hate this and thats ok I love the tension in my shoulders shoulders i love you thank you and the tension in my teeth i love you teeth an d the tears i am crying i love myself even though i am hurting my friend that I love and it feels so wrong and sad… i want to have a guy who comes to me and I feel like I have to turn him away because he is not fitting into my pattern… and maybe i got it all wrong because i’m supposed to be open and the universe is wrong for testing me like this because it hurts so much and rori is right and loyalty is very important to me and i feel i am being a disloyal friend right now i don’t want to do this i just wanna go see him this feels AWFUL and i don’t know if it’s supposed to feel like this i feel so confused i wish i had some help… and all i have is me and that is good enough… i know i will feel better even though this may turn me into a meaner person…i feel like me and him are horns in horns right now and pushing against each other and neither wants to budge… and i have been using only feeling messages so why does this not feel very feminine at all!!! and i love the pain in my heart because it tells me my heart feels and i am alive and maybe this pain is protecting me from a greater pain down the line… and maybe i can see him that should be ok… oh that feels so relieving like a cloud that is dark is lifting from the top half of my body… but i wont see him and there goes the cloud down again… lol i can manipulate my own feelings! If i want to see him shouldnt that make it ok? Oh i feel so free now!! but that would mean i might always have to drive to him and that would feel not very feminine and not the way i want things to go… i feel like i-m focused on an outcome right now… i did give my other strictly platonic friend a ride when he was stranded yesterday… that feels like a sigh, not like lifting up… i feel confused… shouldn’t i go with the lifting up feeling? anyone?

  9.  #9Daria on October 13, 2008 at 11:28 pm

    and i feel much better with this intellectual confusion now… i can wait and see what happens and i feel stronger right now…

    i feel more relaxed, thank you feelings for yawning… thank you back for relaxing… i love myself… and maybe i can love him without compromising my rule? that feels like a tightness around my throat and i love this tightness, it feels so interesting what will my body do next this feels cool… i don’t even know i want this rule but then there were many rules that I didn’t want and following them turned out to bring me super unexpected good behavior from guys…i feel tight around my jaw also… i love my tightness my jaw is so strong… i feel confused… i love feeling confused i am so cute trying to figure out how best to take care of myself and use these tools!

  10.  #10Reshi on October 13, 2008 at 11:33 pm

    When I first started working with Rori’s tools, I pretty much immediately noticed that I was starting to get more attention from, like, creepy guys on the bus. And of course I felt bad about myself and was thinking “oh, look, I only attract creepy guys on the bus, maybe I’m not good enough for a decent man, how did I ever get my husband attracted to me because I’m certainly not good enough for him!” But I kept it up anyway and I’ve gradually started getting more attention from my husband and my male coworkers. And today I was REALLY blown away because, not once but TWICE I was just going about my business when an INCREDIBLY handsome man–the kind of guy I would never expect to even register my presence on his radar–looked at me, made eye contact, and smiled. (I was even *more* blown away by the fact that I was able to accept this occurrence as natural and just smile back and not get all flustered.) I think we’re all worth a million times more than we try to tell ourselves, and we really can have exactly what we want if we just allow ourselves to. I believe this now more than ever.

  11.  #11Daria on October 13, 2008 at 11:57 pm

    yay reishi!!

    i feel better about the creepy guy factor… and i’ve been holding better eye contact as well… also had some former crushes calling out the blueLOL… yay! … i can’t wait for more!! oh i so want rori’s imput on my story with guy above! i wonder if im doing the right thing and this is just a phase?

  12.  #12alias girl on October 14, 2008 at 1:10 am

    ah you beautiful women. i love reading your process. it felps me grow and be in my own process with less negative self judgement. so today after work i stopped by this place i like to go to and a nice guy started talking to me and then asked me for my number. yes he is unemplyed but only bc he just moved here six weeks ago and he is not unemplyable if you understand. but he is very much younger than me which i should just accept bc that’s what i seem to be comfortable with mentally for some reason. anyway i don’t think he’d be the guy but he would be good to practice dating with. but then he probably doesn’t have any money and i really want a guy to take me out and buy me flowers and stuff. that’s what i want. what do i do about that? i need guy who makes enough money to do that. i feel weird. not about what i just wrote but i feel so scared. when i was talking to that guy tonight i was shaking like a chihauha on a cold day. he didn’t notice but i feel scared. SCARED. and i feel frozen like a deer. i feel like a dpressed person without the feelings of depression. i feel scared and i feel like i just want someone to hug me and shelter me and protect me and take care of me . that feels like stray tears down my cheeck and i feel like a really really old tree. wise but stuck in place. i want to feel like a really young puppy. curious and fun and loving and fearless and getting my nose into all sorts of trouble. i feel sad. that feels like a trembling lip and tears and a hard swallow. i feel completely incapacitated to change my job/financial situation.. i feel heavy in the head about that. like i’ve been spinning around those same thoughts of what to do forever and no solution has come. i feel like someone told me to sit tight and donLt move and don’t move a single inch. stay frozen. stay like that. like someone put a curse on me and now i am stuck still. like an incest survivor doesn’t move during the abuse just checks out and pretends it’s not happening. now i’m still stuck. not moving. pretending everything is ok. who could love me with all these issues? everyone online with their prefect fantasy of who they are in their profiles. so not real please. everyone has issues. i love my isssue. i love my tears. i love my frozen incapacitation. i love my heart. my poor buried stabbed heart. i feel lost. i feel far away from my dreams. i feel like an unhealthy duck in a pond full of beautiful ducks. i feel like i am hiding my matted fur.hiding my fear. tears tears just a nice steady stream of tears. can use as alternative fuel source so many . just tears. no vagina. no toes. no thinking. just frozen with tears. i feel scared there is no other side i will get to. frozen women seeks unemployed guy. hahah. i feel cheered up for a second. i feel deep compassion and softness from all this FEELING. pwople around me responding differently to me. my feelings make me beautiful and safe and compaassioante. nice. i like that. next time my ex’s see me they will fall all over themselves for me. hah hah. from matted duck to joyful puppy. alwayss a ray of light at end if i follow through. i just want to be kind and safe and patient with myself.

  13.  #13Daria on October 14, 2008 at 10:08 am

    good morning everyone…

    woke up still wondering… if i feel the cloud lifting when I think about allowing myself to go see him… is that an idication that it is ok? or am I supposed to let the cloud be down and work through it?

  14.  #14Rori Raye on October 14, 2008 at 10:32 am

    Oh my – you are all amazing! I hardly know where to start to answer… I’ll post it here…

  15.  #15Carmela on October 15, 2008 at 9:32 am

    Ok, well, I feel much better knowing that I am not the only one have the low quality man experience. More than that, I have been feeling shut down emotionally after the break up with my ex and him moving out and all, just over a week ago. Before he moved out I was working everything, water wheel, the fountain, journaling, open heart, the bridge and I was seeing some improvements between us, but he still moved out and back to his ex, I suspect.

    I was feeling so strongly last week to the point I was on the edge of barfing several times a day, this week, I have been struggling to stay in touch with my emotions. It is like my feelings are scary to me and I’m moving backwards.

    I ran into him at the day care yesterday, our son and now his 2 other children from the relationship with the ex attend. And I felt so weird, I smiled at him and handed our son over to him and I ran out of there. I felt like crap that whole day and I was trying to feel my way through it and I am still not sure what I felt. Which bothered me more than anything, not feeling. I had a couple guys approach me and ask for my number over the last 4 weeks, but this week, I have had not any men. I know it is because I am not feeling my feelings right, feeling closed off. What do I do?! I am feeling wrong some how, I’m not even attracting the low quality guys this week. I don’t want to stuff my feelings, but I feel like I am doing just that and I can’t seem to stop myself. Help, help, help!

    Low quality men do make me feel bad about myself when they approach me, but no one else has so I practice on them. There is one guy who has been calling still, but I haven’t taken his calls because I don’t feel like I can melt right now.

  16.  #16Melissa on October 16, 2008 at 10:26 am

    Hi Rori!

    This is my first post and I’m just sitting here in my own thoughts and feelings about my relationship. I have just finished listening to your Modern Siren program and Reconnect your Relationship. I love the programs but I feel so overwhelmed as to what to say or do! Here is my story and maybe you or someone could direct me to exactly what I need to be doing. My man and I have been together for about 8 months now… and unfortunately we do live together. This is mistake #1. I was swept off my feet with him. He really IS wonderful… he will cook for me, do laundry, help me with my two young girls, etc. That’s all great and most women are like WOW you are so lucky! I do feel lucky to have a man that definitely cares about me in that way of “helping”. Our problem is communication and intimacy. We started out strong. He was all over me constantly and would talk about wanting to spend forever with me – the usual story… and you guessed it – it has completely flip flopped. Yes I do sit there and wonder what I’VE done wrong. I even try the “leaning back” but he just ends up falling asleep. We only have intimate moments like once or twice a MONTH. This has been going on for about 4 or 5 months now. I just sink deeper and deeper into this dreadful feeling of him not “into me” anymore. Just the other day he called me “Michelle”… that was his ex girlfriends name from 15 years ago and yes… that was his LAST girlfriend. So I see a lot of issues going on here. He is quite immature in relationships. He doesn’t know how to communicate and I can see he is probably sensitive and possibly still stuck on what happened to him before? I don’t understand any of this!!!! How he went from being all over me and and SO into me to just being a “roommate”. I’ve tried to give the feeling messages and I usually get no response so I’m not quite sure I’m even doing it right. I am so wrapped up in how BAD I feel that I must come across aggressive and make him feel bad. But what kind of a man doesn’t want intimacy??? He’s 38 years old and I’m 31. I probably could go on forever about this but I’ll leave it here. Rori, do you have a start for me? I’ll tell you though, I have been into things for ME as well… I work full time, and I go to school part time. I take time out to go out with girlfriends, the gym, etc. He never seems to take any initiative in making plans with me… but he is perfectly content to just sit down every single night and watch TV or play computer games until he’s ready to just fall asleep. There is no connecting anymore.

  17.  #17Rori Raye on October 16, 2008 at 1:08 pm

    Melissa, welcome and – I’m going to be posting a new series on how to “bring the juice back” – so look for it.

    Keep working with Modern Siren – Do all the Tools, really PRACTICE on everyone!

    What you need to regain here is your Degree of Difficulty – so work with that in the Siren.

    Once YOU feel steadier inside, and actually feel like you can walk AWAY from him at any time – use the Feeling Messages to construct some speeches about how you’re feeling, that you “miss the affection and sex, what does he think would help?” – but know that your first step is to build up your self-esteem, so that when you talk with him you feel solid and ready to walk if this isn’t going to work – what we DON’T want is for you to be feeling angry, pent-up with resentment, insecure, weak, whiny, complaining – we want PURE Feeling Messages and a very steady Melissa on the inside.

    Let me know how you’re doing, and don’t be in a hurry – you’ve made it through 5 months of this – you’ve got a bit of time to get yourself together, do all these Tools on the blog, and learn the process of how to build your self-esteem and your ability to communicate.

    Love, Rori

  18.  #18Melissa on October 17, 2008 at 5:41 am

    I am definitely going to be doing some searching around on this blog (I just found it yesterday!). You are awesome Rori! Thank you so much!

  19.  #19alias girl on October 17, 2008 at 7:45 pm

    I feel like i can’t do it. it will never happen and it’s bc of me. bc i think/feel i am so superior to most men. seriously. even the ones i end up with i still feel i am superior to them. EXCEPT for in kindness and acceptance. The men I usually choose may be clueless. They may do passive agressive things just to get validation that i still “like” them. (and since I am so superior to them I see right through their passive agressiveness and what they are trying to do that i refuse to give them the response they want. (which is usually me getting angry so they know i’m still “hooked in”. I will tell them. I will show them in what I feel are healthy ways. but negatory on the getting me to REACT

  20.  #20alias girl on October 17, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    …OK continued bc for some reason my last comment just posted itself before i was finished. Probably because I feel so angry (and yet superior) that the computer just short-circuted from all that toxic energy i am sending out and just posted the thing hoping i would then be done and go away. 🙁

    I feel hopeless. I feel the whole problem lies within me. My inability to be accepting. My excessive need for attention. my narcissism. my being too smart/intuitive/little bit psychic. my lack of patience for crap i used to put up with in my past. my FEARS.

    argh. this blows.

    anyway, i never finished what i was saying before…despite all the flaws of my ex’s, usually they were Very sweet and accepting of me.


    Maybe I didn’t deserve them. I feel i shouldn’t post this here. It’s not going to be helpful for anyone. it’s just whining and self-loathing.


    I feel…furrowed brow. which usually means either confusion or anger. i feel…(minutes go by…WHAT DO I FEEL?) I feel…i have no body. i am up in my head. I feel…like i am running out time, behind the curve, missing out. i feel like i am missing out. ok tears. hello tears. i love you so much. you always make me look so pretty once you come out. i feel everyone is getting what they want. having fun. why am I here typing this on a fri nite?) I feel… grateful i never got married and it didn’t work out (madonna, a lot of men i meet online with kids—-ah yes, another reason to be superior at least i never got married and failed. rather than at least they tried.) I feel mean. frowny face. i feel unseen. i wish people knew the cool me. i wish i had a fan club of people who just jumped for joy everytime they saw me. and i was equally excited to see them. and i felt equal to them and we LAUGHED all the time over silly things and planned outlandish things to do with our time. i feel…squinched up face, runny nose, frown. that weird breathing that comes with crying. i feel my toes. hello toes. i haven’t felt your existence all day. i’ve been up in my head all day being a boy. hello breasts. hello vagina. so nice to meet you again. i feel…calmer. i feel more hopeful. i feel like i can keep trying. even though i still feell judgemental towards harmfully clueless or icky people. i feel guilty for that. i feel like a bullet proof plate is over my chest. i feel protected by my superiority. thank you judgements. you are just trying to protect me from getting hurt. bc i am sensitive and getting my feelings hurt hurts worse than a bullet would. and clueless icky people do hurt my feelings if i let them too close. i feel compassion. i feel releasing. i feel tears from my eyes. i feel a desert in my vagina. where is HE? where is HE? i feel hopeless again. i feel like a fool for trying. a fool for believing. what else is there? what else is there if I don’t have dreams and feelings and love? there is nothing else for me. why am i alone? clamped eyes. big swallow. sniffling nose. empty head. yae! like a clear sky in my head. i feel tension in my back right near my spine. HOLD ON TIGHT! is the message and not in a good way. but in a non trusting of the universe way. i feel like i want to stop writing. i don’t know if i made it til the end this time. usually i go all the way til i get to the good feeling but i just feel like stopping. i feel stupid,like this is not the forum for such a lengthy thing to write. stopping. now.

  21.  #21Rori Raye on October 17, 2008 at 11:14 pm

    Fantastic, Alias Girl. This “superior” thing is something we ALL have going, and it’s just the flip side of “I’m not good enough.” It’s just another way we have of pushing love away, punishing ourselves and men, dealing with our anger.

    Just keep being aware of when it comes up, how you feel, and keep using feeling messages. Love, Rori

  22.  #22Rori Raye on October 17, 2008 at 11:20 pm

    Alias Girl – Look – This is the way to do this. I believe you’re sitting on tons of trauma, and please – baby-steps to release it. You can’t go smashing through these defenses without shocking yourself. It actually doesn’t help. It can make things more entrenched. Don’t WRENCH yourself. Just keep doing the little steps, the nice talking to and with yourself, the sensations – you are bouncing from fleeing to fighting and back again, and that’s NORMAL! That’s the way we work things out with ourself and re-organize ourselves.

    This is a job for GENTLENESS…..I promise, as you inch forward to GOOD feelings, they will stick with you. You will get triggered and bounce back, but you get to keep the gains you make. NO beating yourself up – not even for beating yourself up. That’s the only rule – Love, Rori

  23.  #23alias girl on October 18, 2008 at 12:08 am

    thank you. i feel so tiny. like a tiny babygirl. yes, i feel i am releasing intense and stuffed trauma baby step by babystep. i feel humble and soft and grateful.i will just keep integrating all these tools into my beingness until they become second nature. GENTLENESS. yes, i really need to remember that. 🙂 xoxo

  24.  #24Bethany on October 18, 2008 at 5:48 pm

    Alias Girl, thank you for your post…I want to move on to channeling and I have my list but I still want to make sure I have the riffing down, and I felt pretty much “in my head” all day like you said, and when I read your post I felt the tears just release from my throat. I have been sick with a cough for a few weeks and PMSing so I think it makes my bad feelings more intense, but I feel so lonely. I feel like I’ll never understand why I latch on to men who can’t do the job for me. I feel tears rolling down my face now, my head is pounding, my stomach is just churning. I am afraid that I can’t do this, that I’ll always be invisible to the great men, the Jake Gyllenhaals, the Robert Pattinsons that I want. I feel a ripping and tearing inside me and I have to wait for the take out girl to call me back and tell me my food is ready and I don’t want to be weepy on the phone but I’m not going to stuff it, I feel my body gasping for breaths, I feel soooo disappointed. He texted me last night and said he wanted to do something this weekend and I said yes that would feel nice but it’s Saturday night, and he hasn’t called. I feel stupid for hoping, for getting my hopes up, that feels like embarrassment, like I just want to crawl up under my desk, like my eyebrows pulling together, it hurts, and I want to go blow my nose…I feel exhausted, just depleted, like the only pain I can access is the dull ache behind my forehead, I’m exhausted from hoping that this guy is going to come forward, I feel like I should call him, my mom says I should, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to do any of the chasing, and I want a great guy, a great guy who never lets me forget that he wants me, I felt so weird tonight I saw a car that I thought was his and I sped up in mine to see if he had another girl with him, and that made me feel bad, like chasing, literally! And now I feel like laughing at the ridiculousness of it all, like what am I doing on a Saturday night, weeping over this guy in room? I want a great guy and I want to be highly visible to men and I want to have my pick of great men and I want the right one to claim me and we’ll be happy ever after, that’s what I want, that feels good, like my chest swelling and my breathing slowing down, like my muscles loosening, and suddenly I can be aware of my vagina again, but what if it doesn’t happen? I want it happen though, so much, and who says that it won’t? The gremlin on my shoulder, so here you go, I’m putting you in my pocket with a chocolate chip cookie, and I’m going to go on with thoughts that feel better, like the thought that I will have a great relationship, a great marriage with a fantastic guy who’s stable and adores me and doesn’t keep me off balance, and a good family, and a satisfying career, and bodily health, and an attractive physique, and good teeth and good skin, that feels peaceful, like sparkling blue water sloshing around in me, I’m sitting on a white sand beach and I feel peaceful, and grateful! Gratefulness feels like crying too, but different tears of being so fortunate and having come so very far from the black hole of this stupid town I’m getting the hell out of. I feel determined now, ready to do all the “boy” stuff I have to to get out of here and on with what I deserve!

  25.  #25Bethany on October 18, 2008 at 6:46 pm

    I’m back because I’m feeling low again. I feel obsessed and jealous that he’s out there doing something without me–although I don’t know what he’s doing, maybe he’s at home doing work, I have no idea. But I feel so off balance and this is turning into one hellish Saturday night. I’m wallowing and I don’t want to wallow, I went out to get my food downtown and there were so many people out having a good time and I felt lonely and invisible in my sweatpants and tear-stained glasses. I feel sick to my stomach, and that feels like a quivering ball of jelly and my mouth feels salty and I feel an intense need for something sweet like a chocolate shake or something. That would feel cool and calming going down my throat, all the way to my quivering jelly stomach. That would feel good, and let the tears go like they’re coming now, I feel like I can’t breath enough and I feel so constricted in my throat, I love my stomach it’s just trying to help me through all this, it wants me to feel all its intense feelings, I feel so good that I can feel, it’s so scary but I love it, it’s exciting and it gets me going, it makes me feel intimate with my body, like my stomach is trying to guide me through all this shit, like it says okay we’re here together and I’m where you feel most of your feelings, so we’re going to get through this and I’m not going to leave you ever so I’ll always be here for you to feel what you feel because you are me and I am you and I love you, I love you stomach, I’m sorry I always concentrate on the layer of fat over you that I don’t like but you’ve never steered me wrong, you’ve always let me know when something was off with someone but I sometimes ignore you. I won’t anymore. I love my fat layer too! I love that it’s soft and girly, and that it gives me a rounded shape. I want it to be smaller and I think it agrees with me, it wants to be there–don’t starve me away! It says–but it’s good and it’s feminine and so are my thighs which feel soft and squeezable, and they can clench together so strongly, I must be really strong in my pelvic area, I love my thighs and they want me to take better care of them, so does my back and my arms and my calves and my breasts, they all want me to give them attention and love and accept them for the beautiful objects they are. I was given a pretty sweet deal, I think, I have really attractive hands too, with long graceful fingers and someday on my left ring finger I’m going to have a beautiful engagement ring from a man who wants me so securely and strongly that I will feel amazing and loved, every bit of me, and that will feel…scary…yes, it’s scary! The good things are scary when you’ve never experienced them! It will feel thrilling, that’s a better word, because it will be secure and open and I will be present in my beautiful body with my strong heart and my ability to feel my quivery stomach and love it no matter what, and I’m crying again, oh and I see this guy I’m sort of with now with different eyes, I see him with compassion, I feel bad for him…if he doesn’t see what a great woman I am and he’s not trying to pin me down at every opportunity, then I feel like oh, you poor young thing, I think it would be hard for you, to sort of have this beautiful, goddess creature around you and not know what to do with her. That must feel very frustrating. I hope you figure it out, but as a goddess I don’t do anything but focus on me and my life…what would it feel like to be a goddess? Well, haughty, and confident, and like the bad behavior of clueless men would make me step back, blink my gorgeous eyes and feel nothing more than bemusement for the lack of ability on the part of men who live their lives blind to what I have to offer. But that’s okay, because the universe wants me to be with someone more on my level, who can match my greatness, my power, my passion, my joy, and my joy feels sooooo good, it feels like I just want to writhe around in my chair and kiss every part of me. I am beautiful! Objectively, I am! And inside, I am beautiful! And that scares me, oh that scares me because of the negativity and jealousy I feel from people who feel inadequate around me. Well, I feel for them. I don’t need to take their negativity into my precious, almost telepathic stomach. I feel for them and I wish they could see that I don’t feel any animosity towards them, I don’t want to steal their boyfriends, I don’t want to make them feel less because they are not. I wish them all the love that I know I deserve and will get someday soon, and I wish them joy and peace. I wish them the feelings I am going to achieve, and I feel like crying now with so much love for the world, and I feel like I really am transformative, like I can be the chick in the shell who pecks her way out instead of moving to a bigger shell. I always wear plain, black or gray or dark colors because I want to hide, but I don’t want to hide, I’m not afraid of myself, I’m not afraid of myself, okay I’m afraid of myself, I am afraid of the power that I have to truly affect people because in the past I’ve felt that I only affect people negatively, but what if I could affect people positively? What if everyone I met felt a little bit better after I was gone, not because I’m pandering and making myself super nice–not WORKING TOO HARD FOR LOVE–but because I love myself so fully and that the beauty I have on the outside matches the beautiful feelings I have on the inside? Oh I feel so excited to transform, to be a goddess, to work out and get my body back, to let my hair grow–maybe I’ll dye it dark, maybe leave it blond–and wear high heels and let my hips sway, and tight jeans and beautiful soft wrap dresses and beautiful lingerie and gorgeous bold jewelry and have soft, clear skin and white teeth and to stand up straight and carry myself with dignity and pride, hold my chin up not because I’m faking it but because I am real and earthy and feel what I feel and express it! I want to eat well, fruits and vegetables and natural things that nourish me from the inside out, and my body just shivered–I think it’s saying thank you! I love this! I’m going to shut my phone off and do work on myself for the rest of the night because I have a new boundary: I don’t accept calls from men this late on a Saturday night. He can leave a message. He’s a big boy–or hopefully will be someday! Now I’m going to do that and then put my list up…

  26.  #26alias girl on October 19, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    thanks bethany. i loved reading your comment. esp the goddess part. and also the godess being bemused. we are all tranforming ourselves into godesses and queens and princesses and muses and lovely lovely feminine creatures. i also have a late night boundary. mine is with men i just met. no late night calls until we’ve established some sort of relationship. Esp no late night first phnoe calls. and ilve stated this to guys online expressing how i feel uncomfortable with that ans some guys still would call and i wouldn’t even go any further with them or give them a chance. the fact that i expressed AND it seems like a respectful guy who is searching for his queen wouldn’t do that anyway and wouldn’t even need to be told. but i’m trying to set these men up to win with me. and still the toxic ones will do weird bemusing things. 🙂

  27.  #27Teresa on May 11, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    I am new at this, asking for help, I would like some advice on the problems that my husband and I are having and don’t know how to go about doing this

  28.  #28Phyllis on June 15, 2011 at 11:31 pm

    I would love it if you had a category devoted to “Toxic Men” alone. I bought your e-book and the Toxic Man DVD. I have watched them numerous times and have begun to understand MY role in creating and allowing this type of behaviour. You have stated that ÿou can never be happy with a Toxic Man vs. a man that engages in toxic behaviour. So, how do you tell the difference?

    I have been involved with a man for the past 2 years and allowed behaviour that makes most of your readers’ blogs seem like a walk in the park. Yet, I also recognize that while the stories are milder; the impact is the same. So, I feel for them. I have engaged in behavior over the past 2 years that I am deeply ashamed of. First I met and feel in love with a separated man. On our first “date”he asked if he could borrow money from me’and that has been the ongoing dynamic between us. I had financially supported him for about a year during this transition.

    He told me that he was getting a divorce; but then moved back home after 3 months for “financial”reasons. At that point he ended our physical affair although the emotional affair has continued; seeing each other 2-3 times a week.. His wife know nothing of me.

    The final straw for me came last week when he requested that I “put him on a retainer”of X dollars a week to “be there for me”; even as I write this I feel so stupid. He owes me a lot of money at this point. I told him that I do’not “pay people to be in my life” So, now he is gone and won’t even respond to my 1 email.

    He is a very spiritual person and when he talks to me he seems to use all of the tools that Rori suggests.

    He has also been incredibly kind, thoughtful and giving to me.can Whenever I approach he backs off. One day he will tell me that he is confused; doesn’t know what to do; etc. The next day he will tell me he will “NEVER, EVER be with me and too stop contacting him. Which am I to believe? I am soooo confused! What part of it am I to take ownership for vs. him?

    My question is: how do you know when you are dealing with a lost cause vs. a difficult man? How do you know when to just walk away?


  29.  #29charlotte on June 26, 2011 at 7:00 am

    I am trying to send you a question but having difficulty. ….This is concerning a long-distance relationship at an older age…we are both over 45 and i am having the hard time with trust due to some “unfaithful” type behavior at the early stages of our hooking up. Since then he has had to deal with serious persoal problems including death of a parent, struggling with changes in his present career and ex-wife and also 2 daughters. I have issues when he says he wil call or talk w me on skype and forgets or doesnt . I start having severe anxiety and thinking of all the possible reasons bringing me back to what happened prior which was very hurtful and he doesnt even know that I know ….( keeping it short for now)…sometimes when he calls i feel stupid because I can tell he loves me still and I was overreacting tohis just plain busy life….but just recently he did it again and said he would call after pickin up his daughter and I waited and when he didnt call i kept frantically calling and he was asleep answering yelling that it was late and he had told me he was picking up his daughter..While he was shouting and would not let me speak I finally shouted back “May I say something please?!” and kept repeating it till he said alright go speak. I then said in a lower but angry tone…”you said you were going to pick up your daughter and then call me” I repeated what he said but added what he kept leaving out! I then started crying saying “I just wanted to talk with him before he went to this wedding he was going to have a lot of fun at” ( yeah I know I was not supposed to ..) He said he wasnt going to have fun that a lot of his clients were going to be there and that he loved me and well the call ended. He has not bothered to call since that friday and on Sunday I left messages to call me and it is now one week later and I am trying not to be the knocker on the cave door but it is killing me…I have not carried the ball for a change but fear he doesnt want to carry on because he is not calling me.