If You’re Drawn To Unavailable Men…

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The Question:

“Rori, I want to thank you for the work you’ve put out into the world that have helped so many women take back their power. It has certainly helped me in many situations, but the situation I am in now seems almost too complex for the Tools to work.

I have used the Tools to GREAT success in the past – never leading to marriage, but that is okay with me since I am still young (26) and I am enjoying dating. My current situation, which is causing me a lot of grief and heartache, is thus: I am completely and utterly in love with a coworker…who has a long-term girlfriend.

We have talked extensively about his relationship; and I can say with certainty that he is ready to leave the relationship and is just finding the right moment (his “tipping point” as he puts it) in order to do so.

I am less concerned with if/when he leaves his girlfriend, and more concerned with how I can show up in our relationship (even though it’s a work-based relationship, it is still a relationship) as the most feminine, attractive version of myself that I can be.

The attraction between is INSANE Rori; we sit right next to each other at work, and talk, joke, and flirt all throughout the day. He holds steady eye contact with me for several minutes at a time, even when discussing deep, personal issues. He has hinted at his attraction for me countless times, never crossing any lines that I would consider inappropriate.

He asks me to get coffee with him in our office cafeteria at the same time each morning, and asks me to go on a walk with him at the same time each afternoon. It is always just the two of us during these times. These are our “rituals” and I live for them.

I am careful to ensure that HE is the one initiating 95% of our conversations, and he is always the one to suggest coffee or a walk. We have talked about everything (EVERYTHING) and we have both acknowledged that there is a deep sense of us both really “knowing” each other.

My struggle really begins with trying to balance my feminine energy that I need (and WANT) to be in around him, and the masculine energy that I am more prone to being in because I am in the workplace.

I am an ambitious woman and enjoy being in a professional workplace, which is at odds with the feminine energy I crave to be in when I am with a man.

This has created A LOT of internal struggle and crisis for me, and I worry that the days I am especially struggling with maintaining that balance are the days he can sense that in me, and becomes slightly more moody and withdrawn than he normally is with me. (For example, he will ask for to get coffee/go on a walk 9 out of 10 days in a row and on the day he doesn’t ask me, I can sense this energy change in him and me.)

I would obviously love a relationship with this man, but I can neither hope for, nor count on, that happening right now while he is working out his own relationship. All I can do is show up for him the way I need to show up, and I am struggling to do that. Rori, can you help me with this? ”

My Answer:

Why is it we women are so drawn to unavailable men?

Married, in relationship, embroiled with ex, over-scheduled at work, gay, between jobs and focused only on that, living far away, insurmountable cultural and religious differences….and on and on?

Is it that we’re attracted to the exotic?

Is it the dangerous edge these men give off – that they could run away at a moment’s notice?

No puppy-dogs, these men – they have a warm bed waiting for them at home, or tons of work and a TV dinner, or a community that embraces them.

They can turn their backs to us at any time and never look back.

Or is it that we WANT this kind of painful, slow-punishing, pins-and-needles experience because this is what we had as children, and so it looks like “love”?

For me, there’s only one simple answer that makes it all easy to understand.

We feel safe with a man who’s just out of reach.

We don’t really want him. We just want to believe we do, fight for him, experience the thrill of the back-and-forth – yet never have to actually BE with him.

This may feel untrue, it may sound callous and like I can’t possibly know what you’re experiencing and how amazing he is.

And you’d be so right that I can have no idea what you’re experiencing – but I know what I and nearly every woman I know has experienced –  and that’s wanting a man who isn’t interested.

I know women who are deeply involved in celerity crushes.

I know women who have crushes on men they work with, who are married, dating another woman, inappropriate in every human personality, background and ethical way, but who talk with us about their lives and make us feel like they “care” for us – or gay.

(Yes – I can’t count how many gay men I and other women have “loved” – talk about being “out of reach!”)

And this is not because we are star-crossed lovers.

These men are not our “soulmates” with some complications that can be resolved if we just work hard enough…

These men are SAFE!!!

Our subconscious KNOWS these men are not available to us, and yet, in it’s tremendous push to protect us from REAL love ever happening (our subconscious is ALWAYS trying to do its best for us…) because intimacy and vulnerability are just too incomprehensible and terrifying for it to deal with.

It helps by consistently, vigilantly choosing men badly, by pushing you to “push” on any man who shows up and therefore repel him, and by making any good man who truly wants us seem “boring, awful, gross…” you name it.

It sounds as if there’s a war going on between what we say we want, and what we actually want, inside.

Nope – not a war – because, actually, we’re pretty wimpy and weak compared to our subconscious – if we’re out of touch with it.

All we really need to do is GET that the men our insides are sending us are not the great epic love story we long for – but the great SAFETY we run to.

Once you begin thinking of the exciting, chemistry-inducing men as “safe” – you’ll begin to feel what you might naturally feel if you knew everything you could know: bored!

Because, truly, any kind of story we tell ourselves that’s safe because it’s without real intimacy is boring.

Next time an unavailable man, no matter how awesome, shows up on your radar – see how you feel once you picture him as “safe.”

Think of him sort of like a paper doll.

Let me know how this works for you!

Love, Rori







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  1.  #1Angela on June 7, 2017 at 3:44 pm

    “We feel safe with a man who’s just out of reach. We don’t really want him. We just want to believe we do, fight for him, experience the thrill of the back-and-forth – yet never have to actually BE with him.”

    Oh yes, these men are safe!
    I feel that as long as we are stuck in the cycle of the back and forth, there’s never really any intimacy, and that is what is sometimes attractive to me. It’s what I grew up with.
    All of us, in my family (my siblings) had no stability, we didn’t know if we were loved, we never experience a parents unconditional love, we were never enough for my parents, we were called names and belittled, forget about emotional closeness, it didn’t exist, we couldn’t express how we felt, the list goes on and on.
    And still i am here I try to love myself, but theres a big part of me thats attracted to the dysfunction I grew up in.
    Not many months ago- on a break from my long term boyfriend- I was involved with a dreamy, handsome man, who as you wrote above had unsurmountable cultural and religious differences that clashed with my own lifestyle.
    He went away and came back when he wanted, always saying i needed to change, that our thing just couldn’t be because of religion because of my lifestyle choices.
    I realized now how he was giving me that which I grew up with, the feeling of loneliness, of not being enough as I am, of rejection, he was quiet and never revealed his feelings, he was cold and demeaning. Maybe he wasn’t doing it on purpose, but this is how I felt it inside.

    I am now or have been with a man who loves me, he says he loves me unconditionally, despite my flaws.
    I met him 3 years ago. After reading your blog, I gave a chance to a man who I wasn’t attracted to and for the first time in my life i went against the attraction pull.
    This man has many flaws, yes, but he cares if I eat or not, he takes me out to eat, he lets me talk, I can cry in front of him, he always wants to spend time with me, he spoils me, Im out of a job and he’s taken on the bills /rent, he’s respectful of my feelings, he’s not jealous or possessive, he’s never cheated, he says that I give him the best moments of his life.
    He didn’t come in the package that I imagined but i have learned so much about being loved and loving someone.
    Intimacy feels scary, feels empowering. It feels like taking responsibility and seeing how much influence you actually have in a relationship.
    I think thats that biggest thing for me, if i can leave my heart open, show up in front of this man, share with him love only grows.
    Other times i have demanded change, criticized and belittled him, he withdraws and its hard to pull him out.
    Once you step into intimacy with a willing partner it feels real, you see yourself, all your flaws. You cant run away from them, you cant deny how much of a responsibility you have in a relationship.
    You also see your partners flaws and you get triggered a lot when youre in a relationship, but I have learned from you Rori how to see a man as he is with his flaws and to not take things personal because we are all humans we all are just doing our best, and most important we want to be loved.

    Thank you Rori for helping me face myself in this relationship. All of my ugliness (that I love), my behavior has come to light in this relationship.
    Also for helping me meet this wonderful man. His father died of cancer 2 years ago, and before he passed away he told me something that I feel is true and that you have spoken of too.
    He said to me, (and I hope it is taken in the right way) “My son is inexperienced with women, he is a good man that just has to be guided, you can shape him like you want if you know how.”
    I feel what he said was that men just want to be loved and if accepted and shown love, they can be the best of partners.
    Than you again Rori!

  2.  #2Ana on July 7, 2017 at 10:21 pm

    Angela I love your comment. I got so emmotional while reading it. It is true. We dont know how to open. We are scared of love therefore we attract man who seems right in our head but not in our heart. Thank you for the message.