If You’re Hung Up On One Man – You Have To Circular Date – And TALK To Him!

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The Question:

Rori, I think you’re right. And I am Circular Dating, at least I’m seeing more than one man at a time, but the guy I told you is who I like the most so far  I almost don’t see him on week ends, because of rugby and barbecues with the boys after the match, he says…so, I haven’t complained or anything yet, but made plans with friends or dates with other guys, (but he doesn’t even ask me what I did Saturday night).

However, he shows up on Monday or another day in the week, one or two or three per week, and he seems to be so close, so interested, so attracted to me…and he mentions things we’re gonna do, places we’re gonna go…but we never do.

The only reason why I haven’t shut him down is because we’ve only known each other for 2 months, we have great chemistry and sex is awesome, and I’m not really into any of the other guys, I mean they’re nice and smart, but they don’t make my heart really beat, you know, and I wouldn’t go to bed with them.

So:
– is this man ready to go to the garbage can?
– is he indirectly telling me he dosen’t want anything else but sex?
(in spite of what he says)
– should I tell him I date other men?
THANK YOU, “Confused”

My Answer:

Dear Confused,

Thank you for this great letter that gives us a whole bunch of qualities we encounter in men to work with.

We women do this one thing all the time, and it’s something that ties a man’s chains  to our ankles, and makes finding and keeping love so very difficult.

Here’s what this is:

If a man wants to be with us sometimes and then he forgets about us, and then he was to see us again and then he forgets about us — we spend so much energy trying to find the “meaning” of that.

We want to know what he “means.”

And – The answer is: He doesn’t mean a thing.

He’s not doing anything “wrong” or bad or hurtful.

He’s just calling you when he thinks of you, he’s coming to see you when he has time and thinks of it, he does exactly what he wants to do when he wants to do it.

And that’s all there is to that.

And by looking to him for “something,” we end up losing ourselves.

He is clearly, simply, “dating” you.

And you, because you’re sleeping with him, feel in your heart like you’re doing MORE than dating him.

You are creating — in your mind for sure — a “relationship.”

And that’s just not where he is.

You are creating an imaginary relationship.

Even though you’re dating other men, in your letter it feels like you’re not really experiencing your time with these other men, and it definitely feels like you’re not giving any of these other men a chance.

Please continue to Circular Date.

Please learn from all these other men, while you continue to date, sleep with, and have fun with this one man.

As long as you don’t make him the most IMPORTANT man, and stick with your plan – which is to have a great relationship with a great man – you’ll have what you want.

I know this sounds heard – and it is.

The idea of being with a man who shows he has absolutely NO concept of what a relationship is – is just “hanging out.”

My question for you is: Do you talk? Do you eat together and chat? Do you laugh?  Do you tell each other stories of your days? (Or does he just talk about HIS day, and the games…)

If you ARE talking and sharing and laughing – in other words, doing things together outside of bed – the fact that he’s there with you 2-3 times a week tells you clearly  that he enjoys being with you.

There’s a lot of room here for conversation, and questions before you give up on him, and that’s all about knowing how to talk to a man about the things that are important to you.

Most of the time, men just have no idea we don’t feel exactly the same way THEY DO – only we never talk about what THEY want, OR what WE want!

If you’d like help with this, you’ll get some real Scriping to begin the conversations (and this is where REAL intimacy happens, in the “talk” – try my husband’s brilliant ebook How To Talk To A Man, here (that’s me on the cover ->

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