If You’re Not “Into” The Good Guys – Read This…

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This is a letter from Leslie – and I’m going to be “guest posting” a lot of her letters with my answers.  Her thoughts are so universal, and hit such a chord with me…

“Hi, Rori-

I’ve been thinking a lot about our conversation on Monday. You gave me homework to blurt things out. It’s been kinda fun, although I think I terrified a waiter yesterday with my, “Your adorable!” (He was– in a clearly gay way. I think he misunderstood my impulse.)

It’s another busy week– I’m sitting in Manhattan right now, planning on driving back to home and snow tonight. Then tomorrow, to Montreal to pick up a friend’s puppy that I’m dogsitting next week.

There’s been so much to do that I’ve spent very little time thinking about boys at all.

When I do, I think about Giving Up. Not throwing in the towel– just what you said about letting go.

Sometimes, more than at any other point in my life, I feel like I’m a Diva. I feel good– like I’m finally the person I’ve always planned to be, the person who will cross the finish line to my Happily Ever After.

The French writer Collette wrote, “Instead of getting married at once, it sometimes happens that we get married at last.”

I’ve often thought of that. I read it when I was about 20…so maybe the fact that I’ve remembered it for 30 years implies that that’s what I was planning all along, unbeknownst to myself.

So I’m happy, Rori. And I recognize the truth in what you said on Monday night– that a woman can fall in love with any man (within reason) who is in love with her.

God that’s depressing, though. A blessing, and depressing. I suppose Circular Dating insures that there’s a broad enough pool of suitors that we don’t have to “settle.” I’m not saying I’d be depressed to make compromises. But I remember how desperate I was to go to Prom, and how I said yes to Dan, who was a guy in my social circle.

Dan was a perfectly nice guy but I wasn’t attracted to him at all. His voice really bugged me– there was just sort of a weird quality to it that was like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. And he had a mustache, which is not really my thing. (When I was a kid, I used to hide in the closet when my parents’ only mustachioed friend, Mr. Crow, would come over.)

I wanted to go to Prom, and Dan asked me. I think probably all the guys in our social circle who were single sat down and figured out who’d ask which girl.

I felt like I HAD to say yes to Dan. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But I wasn’t excited about it. I had all these wonderful boy friends– in fact, that year, for my 16th birthday in April, 9 guys got t-shirts printed up that said “LESLIE PROTECTION AGENCY” and gave me themselves, as a private army, for a birthday present.

Dan was one of those guys. He was a sweet guy, and looking objectively I can see that he wasn’t a bad looking guy. Who knows, maybe if he hadn’t had a mustache and that weird vocal quality (that didn’t seem to bother anyone else) maybe I’d have felt attracted to him.

Actually- probably not. He just wasn’t my cup of tea.

Of the 9 guys on the LRA, I’d have been happy to go to Prom with 7 of them. And to kiss the same 7.

I remember sitting there at dinner, feeling sad that I was with Dan. And where all the other guys got their dates roses in wrist corsages (very pretty), Dan got me an orchid to pin on my dress. It probably cost a lot more than the roses. But roses are my favorite flower, and orchids…not so much.

I don’t mean to be whining. I’m just remembering how awful it felt to be there with him and be a little ashamed of who I was with. I felt like I should have held out for one of the guys I liked better, who I hung out with more. I ended up having to fix Rich H. up with my friend Linda B., who he didn’t know, because Rich left it to the last minute and by the time he rented his tux, all the girls in our group were spoken for.

And I remember how unpleasant it was to kiss Dan goodnight, because I didn’t want to kiss him anyway.

So when you say we can fall in love with anyone who loves us…I know it’s true. I just don’t want to have to marry someone I’m not over the moon about.

It doesn’t have to feel like a choir of angels is singing every minute of every day. I don’t need to feel a Kathy and Heathcliff “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same” thing.

All I mean is I want someone that, after I introduce him to a friend, I later call her and say, “-isn’t he GREAT?” And MEAN it. And be thrilled about who he is.

My cousin and her boyfriend were in town with me for four days last week, and it was interesting to observe a couple at close range for that long. He really loves her, and vice-versa. They really think the other one is the bee’s knees.

I don’t want to settle.

I know that’s not what you’re advocating. It’s just the flip side of “You can fall in love with any man who loves you” is “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

I don’t want another Dan experience.

And I still don’t understand the whole thing with Bill now. It’s so disappointing.

Cleaning my house in NJ, I found a journal entry from August that recorded a conversation with him. He said, “This thing”(meaning us) “took me completely by surprise. I’m still wrapping my head around the intensity.” And he said he’d started spending more time with the other girl because if he was going to get to know her better, he figured he’d better do it “now”. By which he meant while I was in NYC, because later I’d be coming back up here and we’d be together.

I remember looking at him and saying, “Bill, what you feed grows and what you starve dies.”

Sorry to drone on about him, Rori. I get that there’s nothing to be done about it.

I just don’t understand why my right brain still says he’s the one and my left brain says, “RUN, little one, RUN!!”

The cognitive dissonance is crazy-making. I woke up last night at 4 am and cried for 20 minutes.

Ok…so now you’ve read pretty much the sum total of my thoughts about boys this week. Was waiting for someone who eventually came, so am now back in the real world instead of my head.

Have to walk now, so signing off.

Hope you’re well.


My Answer:

Leslie – I’m right there with you…all through high school and even college – I dated guys I wasn’t into. Could barely kiss them.

Then the “bad” boys started to show up, and one of them was actually amazing for me. Then he became emotionally whacked out on drugs (and that was a real loss) – and then I let the great guy who loved me go.

Not long after college, I found the man I thought was my “soul mate” – my first husband (you can read about him in one of my books). He liked to put me down on a regular basis until, by the end of the marriage, I felt like a lump.

And most of it was me not knowing me or how to express myself and create a real connection.

When I finally met my wonderful now and forever husband – the old “I’m not into him” stuff came up. But it was different this time.

I was more mature – this man really WAS able to connect with me – and it was as though I had decided I wasn’t into him rather than that actually being true.

There are many variations on this theme…it took me many, many years of heartache to figure this out.

Right now….we’re trying to shrink down your exploration time – way shorter than mine – and I believe that’s possible.

You’ll see.  Just keep track of what’s going on for you and around you. Do NOT assume that the feeling or vision or “hit” you have with a man now is the same as back then with “Dan.”

Just keep exploring and allowing….

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1femenergylove on March 10, 2011 at 7:22 am

    yoohoo sirens 🙂 new post 🙂
    CD#1 is coming over to my house…..EXPLORING AND ALLOWING……beam!!

  2.  #2LD on March 10, 2011 at 7:33 am

    CDate with a minister on Sunday is my EXPLORING and ALLOWING. Probably not one I would’ve considered in the past….

  3.  #3Femininewoman on March 10, 2011 at 7:34 am

    So my level of maturity affects how he connects with me??? hhhhmmmmm

  4.  #4Senior Lady Vibe on March 10, 2011 at 7:40 am

    Hello world, I’m thankful for FW’s CD adding a little more faith to my thinking.


  5.  #5Boomer on March 10, 2011 at 8:35 am

    Ug. This post is timely. And I almost resent it. I WANT the right to not like the men I don’t like. I DON’T WANT to have to be open-minded about the ones I suspect are “not for me.”

    And so I am disgruntled about Rori’s position, just like Leslie in the post. Although I’m hoping she actually says more about her position in another post. I’m left wondering here a bit, Rori. But I think I get the gist: “give them a chance.”

    So here’s my conundrum, and I REALLY need some insight on this, Sirens!

    AlphaMale….the aggressive guy I have seen five times in eight days??? I’m just not sure I am feeling it for him. I am noticing red flags – at the very least they are pink flags. I could tell you that I “can’t put my finger on it,” and that would be close to the truth. But I think what is bugging me are the following issues…

    1) Physical attraction – On a scale of 1 to 10, I feel about a 6.5 for him. He’s not a great kisser – too messy, lots of tongue, too aggressive and intense. I’ve helped scale that back by kissing back softer and slower and with more playfulness, and he seems to have gotten it. But is that too leading??? But still, sometimes when that tongue comes at me…bleh! Also, sometimes his breath is gross (he drinks coffee and I do not, and I do not like coffee breath).

    2) Related to #1, but my problem completely, and I am aware that it is my problem – I’m afraid my friends will not feel he’s for me…that I “can do better.” He does not dress very well and is not very fashionable. I know it’s not important, but what they think matters to me a little. I think he thinks that HE’s not good enough for me too. I wonder if I don’t think he’s good enough for me either and it’s coming through??

    3) Confidence/Esteem/Depression/Negativity -he seems to have confidence issues and perhaps even be a bit depressed. He is recovering from a devastating job loss from last year (although he is employed now) and still seems to be processing his last break-up. Having been married to a clinically depressed man, I’m just not sure I can “go there” again with another man. He seems to be low-energy at times and to focus on the negative. And he gets all quiet and broody, which I DO NOT like and which TRIGGERS ME insanely. He reminds me of the depressed donkey from Winnie the Poo (Eeyore). It bums me out.

    4) Manipulation – The brooding and the not saying what is wrong is getting irritating- I can tell “something is wrong,” but I’m not going to ask things like, “What’s wrong, Alpha???” and feed into it, only to have him sigh and say, “Oh, nothing….” I am cautious about being manipulated emotionally by a man.

    5) Possessiveness – I think part of the brooding and Eeyore routine is that he likes me a lot and wants the safety of “instant relationship,” but I have made it clear that I want to take our time and that I am dating other people. He brings it up a lot – that he feels a bit jealous, that he’d like to see me more (MORE than FIVE times in EIGHT days!!!???). He has assumed that my free Wednesday nights are “his,” and I do not want that. Sometimes I want to have dinner with friends or be alone or even accept another date.

    So, what I am feeling? I am feeling:

    – Unattracted
    – Vaguely uncomfortable
    – A little irritable
    – Familiarity (he’s like my ex in some ways)
    – Cautious (my flight response is kicking in)
    – Fearful/Pressure

    I mean, what do we owe these guys we’re just not feeling it for??? I like many things about him, but I’m getting uncomfortable. Is that my “BOY ENERGY” talking??? I feel like the guy here.

    Can I ask you Sirens to help me determine how to address these issues either within myself and/or with him if you think he needs to know how I’m feeling??? Please, please, please any insight would be great. I wonder sometimes if people see my long posts and skate right past them….but I could really use your insight and would like to feel heard here on this one, Sirens!

    For the record, this is less about ALPHA than it is about ME and how I handle this situation and be Siren-y.

    Thank you!!!

  6.  #6malaikah on March 10, 2011 at 8:54 am

    Boomer: Quite simply, I’d ask you how you FEEL around him. Do you feel good, cherished, if not even more amazing than usual?

    That’s what would cinch it for me =)

  7.  #7Boomer on March 10, 2011 at 9:30 am


    Other than the icky feelings I noted above, when I do feel positive things with him, I feel warm and safe. I think he’d slay a dragon for me. But I’m not sure if that is just because of his possessiveness and a contract to men from my pattern/past who so disregarded me that I felt unsafe.

    It just feels like pressure – and I don’t know if I am just so trained to expect disregard that his attention seems too “feminine” to me???

    So, is he really TOO MUCH or is my ability to feel and interpret those feelings just too BROKEN?

  8.  #8Boomer on March 10, 2011 at 9:36 am

    “Contrast’ not “contract.”

  9.  #9tinque on March 10, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Boomer – I hear you have major doubts around this guy that seem to go deeper than the things cited above. I hear intuition kicking in.

    It’s wonderful to give a man a chance, but when these feelings persist or become stronger as they seem to be for you, then this is something to listen to.

    You don’t have to cut him out completely if you don’t want to; know that this is a nice guy, someone maybe fun to go out with; enjoy him, but maybe he’s not your, “the one.”

    Initially K was not “my type” whatever that was. But I grew to feel more comfortable and more sure about him and rather quickly. Any lingering stuff I had about him was wither trivial or it was wonderful opportunity for my healing. BUT even though I had much on ME to work on, and thus he had things to heal to through me, there was still this knowing about each other that took root early on.


  10.  #10Luzydel on March 10, 2011 at 10:03 am

    I have given ‘nice men’ a chance and onced I start having feelings for them, then they pull back. So I’ve been thinking that perhaps I turn good guys bad, or I should not give them a chace after all. I have not dated a bad guy ever, once I find out they’re married, on drugs, or in legal problems I run and hide.

    The only edgy guy I dated was my ex husband and he was only bad around me. Maybe I do turn guys into bad guys.

  11.  #11malaikah on March 10, 2011 at 10:26 am

    I agree with Tinque.
    These deeper, icky feelings are telling you something, and it’s important for you to tap into them and listen to them. Intuition is a great thing.
    It’s great that you’ve given him a chance, but possessiveness is something that feels really yucky to me; especially at first when a man doesn’t know me too well!

  12.  #12Senior Lady Vibe on March 10, 2011 at 10:32 am

    I couldn’t find the poem but while I was exploring I found one of Daria’s bunnies:

    153: Daria says:
    ( -.-)

    Thursday, 9 December 2010 @ 12:51pm


  13.  #13Lucy on March 10, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Hi everyone. Which Siren gave me two tech websites last week for my computer problems? (Sorry I don’t remember who it was!) I lost the names so could you please post them again? THANK YOU!!!! <3 Lucy

  14.  #14Lucy on March 10, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Boomer, I read your post first, then Rori’s article…. and maybe it’s me, but I don’t see much connection between your guy and what Rori wrote. I agree with Tinque. And I’m with you — I totally want to be with a man I feel great with and admire! Otherwise, what’s the point? <3

  15.  #15Luzydel on March 10, 2011 at 11:09 am

    Then again perhaps I am not turning them ‘bad’ but not setting healthy boudaries, so they end up taking advantage.

  16.  #16loveiseverywhere on March 10, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Ok… I need a little help coming up with a speech.

    It keeps coming out wrong in my head. I’m very frustrated with this man that I’ve been seeing casually for the past few months. I took a break from him for a month and then reconnected and he said that we needed to get out more… go on dates more. I agree with him. The problem is that he isn’t planning any dates… he’s still texting me last minute and wanting to hang out. Which I’m done with.

    This is what I have so far for the next time he texts…

    “I feel happy to hear from you. I want to see you. I don’t want to meet you last minute. I’d like to make plans to spend some quality time together. What do you think?”

    Gosh that feels wrong. Should I be expressing my frustration… If were ranting I’d say….

    “I feel hurt that you aren’t making me a priority. I wish you would call me at the beginning of the week to make plans for the weekend. I’d like to have that to look forward to. I don’t like the uncertainty of “waiting” for you to contact me. Are you just not interested? Why did you make it sound like you wanted to see me more seriously. Why did you promise you’d call to make plans and then text me all weekend about the weather?”

    Yeah… I want the first one to express authentically my emotions wants and needs, but I don’t want the blaming and pleading of the second message.


  17.  #17loveiseverywhere on March 10, 2011 at 11:29 am

    I’m afraid I’ll do this all wrong… I pushed so many men away by believing that I can’t have what I’m asking for… that I don’t deserve it.

  18.  #18Goddess on March 10, 2011 at 11:31 am

    Got this from Aine Belton

    As James Allen puts it: “Circumstance does not make a man, it reveals him to himself.”

    2) Your reality serves as a platform and gateway through which you can receive insights from the universe and your Higher Self via signs, signals and occurrences in your day-to-day life that serve as pointers and nudges to guide and assist you on your path.

    The more you recognize that you are eternally connected to an all-loving infinite intelligent source, the more you will allow in the ynchronicities and blessings that are wanting to be offered, and are already being offered on a regular basis.
    Nothing is ‘by chance’. Everything is a potential communication from conscious, unconscious or higher conscious realms!

  19.  #19Daria on March 10, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Thrilled thrulked by myself

    Thank u Daria for eaking up early and giving me extra slewp time.

    Thank y for putting lunch together for me

    Thank yiu for taking astragalus tincture

    Thanks for bringing the heater last nite.

    Thanka fir putting on jeans earrings and lipgloss..u look great!

  20.  #20kaitlyn on March 10, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    I wasn’t into Adam at first. I saw him at work plenty and thought he was cute and wicked smart/interesting, but I wasn’t ‘like, omg!.’ Until half way through our first date.

  21.  #21Boomer on March 10, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    Thanks Malaikah and Tinque.

    Yeah, my intuition is pinging and zinging and tingling all over the place.

    Alpha texted me today saying he does not want to monopolize my Wednesdays, and I seized on the opportunity to say that I like being flexible on those days to do what needs doing…dinner with friends, a night to myself to read comics at the bookstore, grocery shopping without the kids tagging along, or even a date. I did not say a date “with him.” He has gone silent, so I assume he is digesting my response.

    He does seem to get it eventually, but I am not feeling butterflies like I’d like. I’m going to take some me-time to explore how I feel about “bad boys” and “good boys” and whether I self-sabotage or should follow my intuition.

    I love it here 🙂 Thanks do much!

  22.  #22Boomer on March 10, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    17 – Loveiseverywhere…you DO you DO deserve a good man! Just because you are you!

    Now stop that stuff right now! Give yourself a hug!

  23.  #23Boomer on March 10, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    Loveiseverywhere – Curb the rant. You already know that it is blaming. Not that all of what you are feeling is not valid, but he certainly won’t respond to it. I think #1 is your best bet. See what he comes back with after “What do you think?”

    If he says something inane again, like about the weather, or he avoids the subject, you could say something along the lines of:

    “I feel better spending my dating and phone time with men who are plan time to see me. I want to have time to make arrangements on my end (for childcare or to get off work or whatever), so being asked out in advance is important to me. What do you think?”

    Other sirens? Your thoughts? Am I suggesting effective wording?

  24.  #24loveiseverywhere on March 10, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    Boomer- Thanks so much for the kind words and the input. I feel appreciative. 🙂

    I know to let go of the rant. It’s amazing to start looking at my speech and though patterns differently.

    I feel you on everything you said earlier… about your situation. I’m hoping Rori doesn’t mean that we have to open to everyone who might love us… I think we need to be true to ourselves… but learn when our flags and dislikes are true flags and dislikes and when they are just vague “protection” against being vulnerable. I keep thinking about a guy I ultimately rejected and second guessing myself… since he was pursuing me. But he was waitress on our first date (the service was horrible… but that wasn’t really her fault… it was her manager and the hostess.) And he was too forward in making comments about how I “should” be handling things in my life. There were red flags… I think I did the right thing.

    I think you know when it’s healthy and when it’s not. I think trusting ourselves is a good thing…

  25.  #25Ladybird on March 10, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Boomer, I felt some positive and some negative things for my ex. If I’d followed my intuition from the beginning I could have saved myself time, energy and tears but I guess there was a lesson in there for me.

    I agree with Malaikah and Tinque, how does he make you feel and what’s your intuition telling you? That ultimately made my mind up about my ex. I was tolerating the negative stuff cos I was trying to focus on his positives but ultimately, I didn’t have a good gut feeling about the situation and called it a day.

    Perhaps create a list of what feels good with him and what doesn’t? Be brutally honest. Maybe when you see it written down it will help clarify things a little? xx

  26.  #26loveiseverywhere on March 10, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Rude* to the waitress is what I meant.

  27.  #27Lilybelle on March 10, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    I posted this on the last thread, but really would appreciate some thoughts on this: I am struggling to get clear: (Thanks SLV for pointing me in the right direction…)


    Manly Man, who has been riding on the verrryyyyyyyyy back of my horse, is “dancing” with me again.

    He comes on strong, full of his sexual energy, and wants me to invite him over to my home again..tonight. It isn’t the same day invite that bothers me, I went out with Gentle Man Tuesday evening with not a lot of warning. It isn’t that at all. (Gentle Man is wonderful…just the right mix of man)

    I know what it is with Manly Man, it’s I KNOW he wants to get me in the sack…and he hasn’t been quite about it. He is backwards. I wonder if I am the first woman who has been this way or hasn’t given him what he wants. He is way attractive, physically fit, has an excellent career and actually brings a lot to the table. But, his sexual energy scares me. And, because he is so masculine, I feel off-balanced. I honestly haven’t encountered any man like this before.

    And to add to this, I feel intrigued…

  28.  #28Rori Raye on March 10, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Boomer – Hi – the cure for all this is Circular Dating – that means – you’re too focused on this guy. You owe him NOTHING. You’re working towards allowing a man to make you happy. Simple. What you have to do to allow that to happen is to open up the closed-down parts of yourself and get into the light the dark parts of your subconscious that want to keep you trapped in your same-old-same old. You are simply experimenting with different things, different kinds of men, and watching how your reactions are and what your body’s feeling. This is about healing and evolving and choosing…not about trying to make something happen. And you need lots and lots of men in the picture to get the sanity to allow this to be ABOUT healing and transformation. Love, Rori

  29.  #29Ladybird on March 10, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Loveiseverywhere, I am no expert on this but here’s my suggestion:

    ‘I’d really like to spend more time with you, but I need more notice (# of days) as I have other commitments’

    That way you show you are keen but that you have other stuff going on in your life that you just can’t drop at the last minute for him. Good luck! xx

  30.  #30loveiseverywhere on March 10, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    I guess I also shouldn’t be answering his texts when I’m truly doing something else… like sleeping.

    I have a hard to time prioritizing myself. I just so damn excited when I hear from him that I forget myself. I need to remember myself…

  31.  #31Boomer on March 10, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Rori, thanks for the input, but Aplha is only one of four men I am taking calls and dates from right now, and I have another three “on the hook.” I totally get “Circular Dating,” and I think I am your poster child for it.

    This man is really pressuring me though–subtly and not-so-subtly–to focus on him. And I am not sure how to handle him. I know that *I* don’t want to be too invoved with him, but he is pursue-y and very in-my-face about wanting me to be “his girlfriend.”

    I’ve delivered that speech (“no girlfriend”). and then he says that he thinks I am “the one,” and I say, “Slooooooow waaaaaay down, dude!” and he says he will.

    So, I guess my question is…what if a man really does seem to bring it, all the “big-ticket items” I say I want (cherishing, step-up, commitment) , but *I’M* not ready??? Obviously, he is being seriously premature (have known him jless than two weeks) and he’s pushing for instant relationship…but how do I handle him now and other men in the future if THEY are pushing for a comitment that I am not ready for???

  32.  #32Lilybelle on March 10, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    31: Boomer

    I am glued to the edge of my seat on this.

  33.  #33Grace on March 10, 2011 at 1:44 pm


    I think you are going to sound needy if you reach out to him and say that. The thing to do is book yourself with other guys who are calling and then when he calls last minute– you say:

    I feel bummed, but I have plans. Wish I had known sooner.

    With a smile. And he will get it.

  34.  #34Mercedes on March 10, 2011 at 1:51 pm


  35.  #35Ella on March 10, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Ouch, my body is aching! From Pole dancing yesterday.

    And I have been eating ALL DAY!

    Just been feeling kinda hungry and wanting food. Have been marking student work and it gets tedious so I kept stopping to treat myself to a cup of tea and a nibble of something.

    And work is non stop right now.

    Luckily tomorrow I am training so won’t eat so much and then have a date…

    Maybe get some down time at the weekend.

    Feeling a bit stressed and overworked right now…

    Looking forward to chilling out in my fem energy again soon.

    Right now I am just gonna sip my tea and catch up on here.

    Last few things to get ready for early start tomorrow then bed.

    Saw Mr B outside pub earlier (I was driving by) he keeps popping back up.

    I felt ok… in fact I kinda felt warm… weird but I think the trigger is becoming less powerful.

  36.  #36Ella on March 10, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Hi Mercedes,

    Don’t know if you saw my post to you on the other thread.

    I am hoping you will share some of your back story about you and J? Only of you want to of course.

    I am sorry if it would be repetition for you – I think that I might get a lot from it.

    I am at the stage of moving away from a man and I want to become strong with strong boundaries.


  37.  #37LD on March 10, 2011 at 2:05 pm


    Re #5

    OMG, he sounds JUST LIKE a guy I dated last year. My girlfriends even nicknamed him “Eeyore” because he would get this slow, depressing voice when he was being negative. He had exactly all of the qualities your guy has, and I can tell you the ickiness did not go away, but increased over time.

    He was a good kisser though, and my friends joke that’s the only reason why I kept him around as long as I did. : )

  38.  #38Ella on March 10, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Hi Tinque,

    I still haven’t got to your skincare page yet!!

    But I will.

    Just feeling overwhelmed with stuff to do right now.

    I feel curious, you said skincare is a sideline now. What is your main career or activity? If you don’t mind sharing.


  39.  #39LonePlum on March 10, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    217: kaitlyn

    ***As I imagine LONEPLUM wearing a black Gucci suit and sitting at a table with my platonic male friends, all shouting, “GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!!!! HE DOESN’T WANT YOU. MOVE ON, YOU DUMB ASS!!!” ***

    I did not say and would not say your skull is thick.
    Although I do hope it is, for you own safety. The brain is a soft material. It needs a thick protection 😉

    More seriously, you are free to be who you are.
    If you need 10 years to get over a man, then 10 years it will be.
    You seem to feel apologizing for feeling your feelings. It is not helping you to feel ashamed of your feelings
    They are your feelings, that’s all they are. Not even you can judge them 🙂
    Besides, I am sure you got it through your “thick skull” lol. What happens if that we are stuck in a rut. All the smartness in the world won’t stop us from wishing what is not.

    Unless we do a work on our beliefs of what should be. And on the meaning we give to the events.

    ***HE DOESN’T WANT YOU.***
    I did not say he does not want you. I don’t know what he wants.

    *** MOVE ON,***
    I did not tell you to move on.
    I do wish we would all move on, I do wish freedom for all of us, but I did not tell you to move on.
    It is not something we can do on somebody else’s order. If only if what that simple 🙂

    ***YOU DUMB ASS!!!”***
    The last thing I would call your ass is “dumb”.
    It is getting you paid trips to Paris, I so wish mine was of any use apart from sitting on it. 🙂

    So, “smart ass”, dear, stop making stories of what people think of you and stop putting down your own feelings

    God made you such a gift that men pay mucho money to take you around with them.
    You are not so dumb, you are using the gift for your own safety on this dangerous planet.
    You made money out of it. Good for you. Nobody will walk all over you, you will not have to be a door mat, crying out for a man’s protection. You are your own protection, you made enough money to pay houses and have a saving account.

    That’s what I call an independent woman.

    Don’t believe men pay so much money to take a dumb ass on a walk. They feel proud of the gorgeous smart ass, so funny, so vibrant, so intellectual, so sexy.
    They don’t have what it takes to enjoy it for free or for love, so they pay.
    That tells you how worthy you are.
    Rich men are no dumb asses either. Rich men are rich because they are smart and strong willed. They chose the best, they don’t walk around with little cuties. They want the whole deal. Smart ass and thick skull filled with brilliant brain. 😉

    Write here as often as you wish that you miss him, that you want him to write to you and all that. Don’t worry about anybody judging you. We would be fool to think of you as a dumb ass.

    I don’t write about mine, (man, not ass lol) because the minute I read the blog it popped out like a soap bubble and I laughed at myself. I was instantly done speaking of him.
    But I had bored a friend with it for months before that.
    I have been there too, don’t worry. Details differ, but the feelings are the same. We are all the same child of God.
    No matter the outside, and no matter the circumstances, we all experiment the same feelings.

    It is the story you tell yourself that makes you feel good or bad. One same situation can be interpreted into hundreds different stories. You take your pick. How do you want to feel?
    Don’t worry about judgments.
    Respect your friend when he says he is bored by your story, stop sharing with him, but do not worry about his judgment of your feelings.
    He is entitled to feel bored.
    But it does not mean you are not supposed to long for A.
    Come here and say it as often as you need to.

    The minute you get into your friend’s mind, worrying what he thinks of your hurt, you are out of your mind
    Now, THAT would be dumb 😉

    The good news is, having a thick skull, you can’t leave your mind so easily he he he 😉
    More seriously, don’t step out of your mind, stay inside yourself.
    Never mind the other’s minds and their judgments.
    Don’t mind the story they tell themselves about you. It is their business, not yours. It’s their story.

    Work on the story you tell yourself. That’s your business.


  40.  #40Kristine on March 10, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    LonePlum Re :39: This really spoke to me even though it wasn’t to me I feel as though it was written to me. That just goes to show you that no matter who or what your talking about on this blog somewhere out there..there is a siren that can relate….Thanks for sharing, trying to get the courage to share me story one day :/

  41.  #41Ella on March 10, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    “You are simply experimenting with different things, different kinds of men, and watching how your reactions are and what your body’s feeling.”

    Yes, yes, yes.

    I LOVE this.

    I am simply experimenting with different types of men… Mr B was one such man… and there are others…

    All different types and I owe them nothing!

    Yay, that feels free making (hmm not a feeling actually, lol)

    I feel free reading that.

  42.  #42Ella on March 10, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    B felt good to me…

    until the addiction stuff, and then it felt in danger of being dishonest with myself, living a lie…

    And that felt hugely awful.

    Massive negative reaction from me, Like NO, I will not gor there again.

    I have been there before and I will not decieve myself!

  43.  #43Ella on March 10, 2011 at 2:40 pm


    This is advice giving and I think you could just tell him to back off.

    2 weeks did you say and he is acting depressed about not being exclsuive?


    I am feeling judgmental.

    Have you tried saying to him “I feel turned off”

    That might make him back off. If not you may need to have boundaries about when you take his calls and limit his dates with you to once or twice a week, or whatever.

    I hear you feeling overwhelmed, so your need here is time and consistency.

    If if is a good man for you this will not put him off and he will respect your wishes and give you time (he may sulk for a bit).

    Nice that he is step up but don’t be pressured.

    That is just my (very much boy mode, cus that is where I am at tonight) opinion.

    I look forward to hearing how it all pans out…


  44.  #44Lisi on March 10, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    Boomer —

    Don’t you think we feel uncomfortable with men who are really into us? I think that it’s part self-esteem, and that I’ll sabotage a guy who’s into me by deciding I don’t like him.

    Is that what you’re doing?

    I’m seeing 007 for the first time on Friday night. He’s been texting me romantic/funny things when I wake up in the morning. This am, I answered back “good morning” and then didn’t answer again until about 9 am. Then, I answered his questions & told him I’d be at the school today, and wouldn’t be able to talk again until tonight.

    His answer: “Gee. First the 600am silent treatment and now i get detantion. ouch. i would prefer to stick to my spankings as punishment. thank you very much.”

    He has sarcastic humor, and I read this as funny. I joked back about spanking — using my German text “accent.” And, it was funny.

    But — Boomer — I am having a similar response as you are. I tend to see the flaws in a guy who is really into me.

    B. had as many or more flaws, and some serious deal breakers. Yet — he was so leaned back and I had to work so hard to out-girl him and get him chasing — that it upped his value to me.

    He was a high value target BECAUSE of his unavailability. Whereas 007 has his life together, but comes of as a much lower value target.

    Does this strike you as similar?


  45.  #45Senior Lady Vibe on March 10, 2011 at 3:09 pm


    Where you the one, I don’t remember, who put up and article/poem about the difference between boy/man or man/mature man…something like that.

    If it was you, could you put it up again. Please. I was discussing with FW but couldn’t recall where I’d seen it. It was here I’m pretty sure…but the siren’s name I don’t recall but kind of thought it was you…or Darling Ella… or Simply Shannon…Alicia…or somebody else…Marina… HELP!!!


  46.  #46kaitlyn on March 10, 2011 at 3:24 pm


    Thank you. I’m having a very NV day, so I needed that. Nothing like waking up and remembering the cold, hard reality that you’re a 39 yr old (albeit thank god I still look 12 basically) ex stripper, ex porn star, herpes, and lives in a crappy part of town complete with a needle exchange and a Western Union next door. Go me! What type of ‘good guy’ will choose me? My NV’s say a guy with an IQ of 2 and nothing interesting about him because he’s desperate.

    I miss Adam. I connect with very few men. He knew all the skeletons in his closet and surprisingly I found he owned more. I liked that. He knew everything about me and accepted the entire me. Not as a novelty, but just as me.

  47.  #47Lisi on March 10, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Loneplum —

    Thanks for your response to Kaitlyn. I think we all go through that phase in a break up where we feel bad that we’re still talking about that guy, still processing.


    And, you’re absolutely right — this is the place for it.

    The here’z a place where all the young missy’s have been thru it, yes sirree, it iz. (cowboy accent)


  48.  #48Lisi on March 10, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    Kaitlyn —

    It sounds like you’re judging yourself for your past.

    When I asked you how you felt about working in the sex industry, you said, “I loved it.” Right?

    How about you let go of all the external’s voices, your grandma and whoever else told you it wasn’t okay to work in the sex industry.

    You worked there.

    You loved it.

    You don’t work there anymore.

    Who’s going to end up with you? A smart guy with liberal sexual values who’s okay with a cool gal who used to work in the sex industry.

    Cuz he’s not listening to his grandma’s judgements, either.


  49.  #49Daria on March 10, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    im feeling good


    thank you intuition for taking me cool places


    i just realized

    i wonder why my intuition told me to take that route if no one was answering my masculine energy attempts to make plans?

    so i said, maybe its just so i will have made those calls

    and now i see

    i got on the second bus and lo and behold, Neighbor is there

    i swear

    intuition knows everytime

    so now neighbor has said he may invite me to smoke later . nice

    i am feeling good about myself

  50.  #50Daria on March 10, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    thank you Daria for leaving food for me just right and feeding me after comm service

    thank you for taking me to the bathroom when i had to go

    thank you for giving me the Hydrangea Root tincture

    you take real good care of me

  51.  #51Daria on March 10, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    the season has moved fast

    ive been doing gardening and cleaning all winter at the park


    i am a strong nature woman

  52.  #52Daria on March 10, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    Bright yellow crocuses are out everwhere

    my prayers for my locked up friend are kicking in says my Goddess Oya

    i feel blessed and am practicing with breaking old patterns

    getting closer to being me

    shyness melting

    mind coming close to home in the heart

    powers of imagination fielding out

  53.  #53Daria on March 10, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    Mama’s Daily Fluff:
    “When you start noticing your own abundance, it grows.”

    I am taking awesome care of myself

    I am ALL THAT

  54.  #54kaitlyn on March 10, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    I did laundry then thought about him and cried over my Frette sheets.

  55.  #55Daria on March 10, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    Kaitlyn – i love crying. Crying means im healing FAST.

  56.  #56luzydel on March 10, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    I want to hide the fact that I like someone a lot. I feel vulnerable. He is coming this weekend and I am acting like a high school girl Ugh. This is how I end up messing up, I hide those feelings and end up looking cold or I try to show them and end up acting needy.

    There has to be a happy balance here. I have to find it before Saturday.

  57.  #57kaitlyn on March 10, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    I have this crazy optimistic idea, but it only flickers for a second, that he’ll come back when I heal. Is that ok to think? Or is that damaging to me?

  58.  #58LonePlum on March 10, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    46 Kaitlyn

    OK, let’s not mix the pears with the apples
    First the pears:
    I thought you own 2 houses?

    ****368: kaitlyn says:
    riff: I’d like to thank all those custys and johns out there for my retirement fund i cant touch and those 2 homes i once bought.
    Friday, 25 February 2011 @ 12:55pm****

    Did I misread the post? Have you lost the houses?


  59.  #59Lisi on March 10, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Kaitlyn —

    Does it motivate you to heal?

    Then it’s good.

    Once you heal, either he will come back, or you’ll be over it and won’t care any more.

    Did you read my earlier response to you?


  60.  #60kaitlyn on March 10, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    Lisi, yes I did and thank you. I never had shame/regret about my sex industry past until all this.


    I owned 2 houses. Sold them 11 years ago. I still have the profits, but refuse to spend it. My income the past few years since I quit the sex ind has been pretty low, hence why I live in a crap neighborhood.

  61.  #61Lisi on March 10, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    Kaitlyn —

    I made great money. Then I got knocked up.

    I have opted to work part-time and home school my very ADHD daughter.

    Hence, we live in a crap neighborhood and I don’t own much. All my friends have homes and vacations and I don’t.

    I still think a man with a good life will want me. He’ll want to be near my wonderfulness!


  62.  #62Daria on March 10, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    feeling excited that TODAY my mind decided NOT to call getright man

    even though no one else was answering

    i just felt “ick”

    even though my sweater might be over there still

    and he has a charger



    thank you Daria!

  63.  #63Darling Ella on March 10, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    SLV #45:

    I think you are right…It is Ella 🙂 Ella, get right back here pretty lady…and give us the goodies 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  64.  #64Lisi on March 10, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Here’s from Rori’s “I am the yummy pie” email:

    What works is to imagine that every man out there wants what YOU HAVE.

    That’s really cool. Instead of thinking why man A wouldn’t want me — remember that I’m the EXACT RIGHT package for someone.

    And focus on that. Being the right package.

    Because, inevitably, I’m just right for someone. I’m on OKCupid, and there are several people who are 99% matches based on our answers to the questions, and some of them have answered hundreds of questions. I’ve read through some of them, and they really do have the same world view as me. Pretty close, anyway.

    I’m the right package. I’m the soul mate. I’m the one he’s looking for. Me. With MY quirks.

    I’m getting this….


  65.  #65Kristine on March 10, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    Every siren here and woman out there (man even) deserves to be loved! Everyone has something amazing, They will come back if “they” are worth it..not if “you” are worth it!!

  66.  #66Femininewoman on March 10, 2011 at 5:40 pm

  67.  #67Femininewoman on March 10, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    SLV I meant 494

  68.  #68loveiseverywhere on March 10, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    Ok ladies… renewed my match.com membership today for the next three months. I’m already getting lots of messages from sleezy guys and much older men. I am to ignore these? What am I supposed to learn from this? I don’t know how to stay warm and fuzzy and girl… I want to protect myself from anyone icky. How does one stay in warm mode when I just want to hit delete REPEATEDLY.? Does deleting all these messages mess with my power in a good or a bad way?


  69.  #69kaitlyn on March 10, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Just delete. It doesn’t mess with your Sireness nor ‘learning how to be open, etc’ in any way.

  70.  #70loveiseverywhere on March 10, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    Kaitlyn- Ok. Thanks. That’s the answer I want. lol

    Yesterday on okcupid a guy offered to pay me to hook up with him. That was not only deleted, but blocked.

  71.  #71loveiseverywhere on March 10, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    So what about when guys just write you hi? I mean… that’s not much to go on. I don’t know how to stay girl when writing… I offer up too much. Is it ok to ask them questions? But never more than they ask? I want to practice from the get-go here doing this dating thing differently… but I feel lost and afraid of doing it “wrong.”

  72.  #72luzydel on March 10, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    So if a guy from OKCupid send you 6 emails in a row, is that creepy or flattering? I am getting psycho vibe here.
    Gee can’t he wait for my reply?

  73.  #73Daria on March 10, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    loveiseverywhere –

    I would say : Hi 🙂

  74.  #74Daria on March 10, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    actually i say : hello 🙂

    then they say

    wow i like your pics how are you are you single?

    and i say: thank you 🙂 I’m feeling great/kinda down/tired/happy, etc … yes i am 🙂

    him: wow that’s so cool so what do you like to do?

    me: mm… i feel relaxed reading and writing online… dancing feels good…

    him: oh yeah what do you like to read?

    me: i feel kind of drained writing online so much… it might feel cool to talk to you… im at 555 5555

    him: okay i will call you

  75.  #75loveiseverywhere on March 10, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    luzydel- Um I’d say creeper… but I’m a newbie.

  76.  #76Lisi on March 10, 2011 at 6:11 pm



    A normal guy with decent self-esteem would not need to send 6 emails in a row with no response from you.


  77.  #77loveiseverywhere on March 10, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    Daria- so I feel indirect… when I add the feeling messages to sentences. I mean… do guys ever ask, “Why are you talking that way? You sound weird.”

    And is it customary to give your phone number before it’s asked for?

    And when a guy says “We should get drinks sometime.” and I’d rather get coffee first… keep it low key… day time etc. How do I suggest this or communicate this without planning… etc. Is it too male to say: I’d prefer grabbing coffee for our first meeting.” ???

  78.  #78loveiseverywhere on March 10, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    Oh and match has the auto reject emails that you can respond with. Is it better to ignore and delete unwanted advances or respond with a not interested email?

  79.  #79Senior Lady Vibe on March 10, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    @67: Femininewoman says:
    “…SLV I meant 494…”

    Thank you for looking. That’s a good CC article but that’s not it. I meant to copy and save it when I first saw it. Often I get busy catching up on posts and intend to return and don’t… (sigh)

    I hope whoever posted it will put it up again. I scanned threads back a few months but must have used the wrong word. I used “boy” maybe I could try something else when I have a few minutes.



  80.  #80Lisi on March 10, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    Tonight, I am going to dinner with my friend, Carolyn.

    I enjoy Carolyn very much, and it will be sooooo nice to go have some kid-free time with her. Yayayay!

    I’m DYING of hunger. Gonna go. Take care y’all.


  81.  #81Darling Ella on March 10, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    Tonite, I have a date…and I feel nervous 🙁 He’s been expressing so much excitement over me…and now, I feel the pressure…what if I am not “all that?”…

    Fears, doubts…memories of J…not feeling worthy of his love, devotion, loyalty…:(

    Gosh, I feel so depleted 🙁

  82.  #82T-Girl on March 10, 2011 at 6:41 pm


    Please let us know how your date goes. I have the same situation going on with my “Giddy As A School Boy” CD that I am meeting tomorrow. He already calls me sweetie pie, talks about things we can do in the future, and we haven’t even met yet!

    Just go and have fun, enjoy the evening and conversation. Go with the flow, don’t worry about the pressure. But let us know how it goes.

  83.  #83Lercomari on March 10, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    I decided not to contact him myself. I took Alonka’s advice and leaned back (I think I’ve gotten the idea of leaning back now). He called me this morning…actually he flashed me on my cell phone. Usually he flashes me and that means he wants me to come online so we can chat on yahoo. I logged onto yahoo. He had left me an offline message saying that he couldn’t get ahold of me anymore and if I had abandoned him (in a half jokng kind of way). I had to leave for an appointment though and his yahoo didn’t seem to be working. So I sent him a text message saying I’d talk to him tonight. Truth is I have been avoiding him because of the girlfriend issue. As for his gf, I don’t really have much respect for her considering her behavior toward the banker. But, she’s still his girlfriend. And being the third wheel is just too messy.
    I do want more than a talking relationship with him. I guess i’ll find out if that’s what he wants. I’m trying to figure out what exactly to say to him when we talk next. I know it will involve feeling messages.
    Today I went to see a therapist…I have clinical depression and I’m getting help with it. The therapist was very nice…I hope she can help me work through some of my issues.
    Oh, and I kinda tried to circular date today…it wasn’t much. I went to the grocery store and when the checkout guy said hello to me, I looked him in the eye, smiled and said “hello” back. It was very unusual of me, because I never look men in the eye. lol. But I noticed out of the corner of my eye he took a second look at me. It was kind of fun…can this be considered circular dating?

  84.  #84Mercedes on March 10, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    Ella: I did see your post and posted the following in reply. I don’t at all mind talking about it if it’s going to help someone (only opposed to having our history used against me…that’s happened enough to make me really, really tired of it). To get the whole thing though, it is quite long so I prefer to have you read the story as it is written on my blog and if you have questions, if I can help in any way, if you don’t understand how or why, etc, I’m more than happy to elaborate in any way needed. My entire purpose of putting our story out here was to help anyone who needs it.

    Here’s my post to you on the other thread:

    Ella: Basically, he cheated on me and broke my heart into a million pieces. Then he wanted me back, I didn’t want him back…then he really started doing the work he needed to do (on himself, not on our relationship) and eventually we ended up back together…crazy in love.

    I’m sure I’ve written about it in lots of places on this blog, but the easiest place to find most of the story and my feelings and insights associated with it is probably on my blog. I think I have a post (one of the earliest ones) called “My Story” or “Our Story” or something like that. Just click on my name to get to the blog.

    Much Love,

  85.  #85LonePlum on March 10, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    Kaitlyn 60

    Do you own your flat today?
    You are such a smart woman, you have a retirement fund already taken care of, and no child. A step child could eventually make a man hesitate.
    I have observed that when love strikes a man, he will marry the woman, even if she is the mother of 10 children.
    But, let’s say, before he is in love, if he meets women on a dating site, for example, he will not select the mother of 10 children.
    A gorgeous childless woman is among the first choice of a man on dating sites.
    And when she has savings, they feel they won the lottery.

    Men are afraid of life as much as we are.
    They appreciate a woman who banked savings.
    They feel she is on the same page. They feel she’ll respect their income, she won’t spend it mindlessly. They feel safe to make her sign their bank account when they marry her.
    They don’t care where you live today, because they want you to move in with them when they marry you. They understand you keep the money safe, and you are busy trying to start something new. They love an entrepreneur spirit, they don’t really check the success of your enterprise, it is the fact that you try that makes you interesting.
    They like to know you will not be short of ideas or energy once you’ll take care of their family.
    So far, you are far from being a loser that only ***“ a guy with an IQ of 2 and nothing interesting about him because he’s desperate.”***

    This is your judgment. You would not accept a man who lives in your flat and who did what you did. You are the intolerant person.

    But lots of men do not think your way. They see who you are today and what you can bring to their life. They are genuinely looking for love.

    What might chase them away is your self sabotaging, negative talk. YOU despise yourself, that will ruin their joy to have discovered you. They don’t want to be the “stupid guy with an IQ of 2 and nothing interesting about him because he’s desperate.”
    Your attitude would make a prince feel like that.
    Your attitude makes you despise the man who courts you. None will stay.
    It is not your life that scares the man away, it is the way you look at them. Your project on them what you feel for yourself.

    It would be good if you’d allow the men to own their own judgment of you and to may be start courting you for what they see in you.
    Don’t worry what they see in you, trust them. They do see something. With time, you will understand what they see.

    Make the experiment. Date men, don’t ask them if they like you, or why they like you. Just date them. Accept the dinners, the conversations, the taking you back home, don’t let them in, say good bye at the door, show your cheek when they kiss you good bye, keep it soft. Get use to receiving their romantic attention.
    Keep money and sex out.
    And date several men at the same time, to avoid what happened to you with Adam. Give them all the same importance, so you don’t nag when they don’t call.


  86.  #86Mercedes on March 10, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Ella: This might be easier than searching for it:


  87.  #87Alonka on March 10, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    I need an advice..

    This interesting guy wrote to me on a dating site and we exchanged a few emails. He sounds good. He suggested to talk over the phone and I agreed, but I wanted to make the first call. So I called him tonight at about 10 pm and he was not overly receptive. He said he was still at work, preparing a presentation. He needs to make an important presentation tomorrow morning. Since I won’t give him my number, he asked if we can talk tomorrow and ‘earlier in the evening’. I said – I’ll see what I can do.

    He sounded somewhat.. irritated.. can’t think of a word. Busy, of course. But I feel ordered around a bit. What do I do? Call him tomorrow as I’m being told? Send him an email that I’ll call the next day?

  88.  #88Alonka on March 10, 2011 at 7:35 pm


    I’m so glad leaning back worked:) And that you are learning it naturally, not ‘the hard’ way!

  89.  #89Lercomari on March 10, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    @Darling Ella #8,

    I hope you enjoy your date..relax and be yourself..remember the Tools when you can. You’ll be fine! Let us know how it goes

  90.  #90Jacqueline on March 10, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    SLV! Hiya….I found probably the BEST article I’ve ever seen on online dating so I’m copying it here – it’s just so right on about having the “vibe” and raising yours…and some very cool conversation tidbits, etc.

    “Wow — that person could do so much better!” We’ve all heard that kind of comment before — maybe even muttered it ourselves — about a couple fit for Beauty and the Beast without the Disney treatment. But, odds are, there’s no real mystery about the pairing; the two just clicked, perhaps at a party, perhaps online. You may not have model-caliber looks, but you definitely have some winning combination of humor, kindness, success and intelligence. By learning to highlight those qualities, you can have a potential partner swooning. So before you discount the beauty before you, use these tips to place yourself squarely in the hotties’ league.

    Tease your way to conversation
    Top experts recommend some counterintuitive tactics for online flirtation to bolster your confidence — and intrigue your intended. April Masini, author of Think and Date Like a Man and Date Out of Your League, suggests sending a short note with an out-there, curiosity-provoking subject line, such as “Thanks for the message.” Neil Strauss, author of The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, favors an irresistible challenge that shows your confidence, like: “Tell me about something funny that happened to you recently. If it makes me laugh, I’ll send you two photos. You won’t be disappointed.” Or send a link to a website that generates your, say, rock star name or Hobbit name, and sign it with yours so he or she feels compelled to share the one found when he or she clicks. All of these are effective email ideas that get a person to hit “reply” and start typing — often before he or she has even checked out your profile.

    Chat with panache
    Stand out from the pack online by not stating the obvious (“I liked your profile.” “I think you’re cute.” “We both like pizza!”) in your correspondence. Instead, find obscure things that truly interest you — foreign travel or a favorite book — and mention that. Consider this case history: “I knew the woman I wanted to meet was a model — she said as much in her profile,” says Alex Garth of New York City, a self-described “6” on the looks scale. “She also mentioned that she’d traveled to China, which we had in common, so I sent her an email asking her what she thought of Shanghai. Within a couple of weeks, we were dating.” Use the same principle when you’re making getting-to-know-you conversation in person with that new someone you want to impress. Focusing on something minor that he or she doesn’t usually talk about sets you apart from the rest of the dating world by demonstrating your depth.

    Pave the way for a first date
    Once you’ve exchanged a couple of messages, swap phone numbers for the all-important call by saying, “I get busy, so let’s continue this over the phone.” The 15-minute conversation should prove to him or her that you’re worth the effort and allow you to offer your time for a first meeting. One key to charming someone very desirable and in-demand? Don’t appear overeager. “Mention that you’re busy Wednesday and Friday, say, but can meet for one hour on Thursday,” says Strauss. Being a busy and fulfilled individual is more attractive to most singles than someone with outward looks, and this kind of approach emphasizes those — whether or not they’re 100% true.

    Empower yourself in person
    Whether you’re approaching a stranger at a bar or meeting up with the person you found online, continue to show confidence, even if you have to fake it at first (eventually, you’ll realize you deserve to have it and actually become suave — we promise). Masini recommends walking straight up to the man or woman you’re eyeing and introducing yourself. “Don’t be a shark and waste your night circling,” says Masini. “That invests your time in someone you don’t know,” which will only make you feel more self-conscious about not being “good enough” for the person. To psych yourself up, tell yourself that you’re the one who deserves to be convinced he or she’s worth your time, not the other way around. After all, looks are only part of the package, right? Once you’ve started talking, set yourself apart from everyone else who gushes over this person’s looks. Focus on aspects of his or her personality that other folks may overlook: “You have the best laugh!” “I love that you’re a good tipper — it says a lot about how you treat people.” Unusual compliments highlight your intuitive nature, and the person you’re talking to is more likely to perceive a genuine connection between you two than if you offer canned praise.

    Look good, even if you’re not great-looking
    So what if you’re not drop-dead gorgeous yourself? Strauss says he lacks obvious physical charms, but that his confidence and charisma more than compensate. “Girls would meet me and be initially disappointed, but I would still win them over,” says Strauss. “You don’t have to be good-looking — you just have to act good-looking.” Accomplish this by wearing flattering clothing (ask a straight-shooting salesperson to put you in a casual date outfit if you’re not sure what looks best on you), walking tall, smiling at strangers, holding eye contact, and otherwise acting like you own the room. So raise your standards, hone your inner charm, and go for the cutie already!

    All around great advice for us all!!!


  91.  #91Jacqueline on March 10, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    Meemee- I saw you on the other thread and hope you see this – am sending you love and oh! what a sad situation! I’d tried to write you and hope you are getting love and support from somewhere, you deserve it! and will check in here and let us know how you are doing.



  92.  #92Jacqueline on March 10, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    Hey, Sirens: I told my boyfriend once when I was 20 that basically you could learn to love anyone given time…20 years later we both agreed we didn’t agree with that. lol…The spark! the chemistry…it might not be required for love, but it sure makes it a LOT easier….

    and so, after 30 years of personally test driving the theory above…. I’ll can say I don’t agree with the post.

    Still, want us all to find love tho!!


  93.  #93Jacqueline on March 10, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    oh, and input if anyone has any – G*d has given me two choices – ack!!!

    I’m second interviewing to manage a mobile home park with pretty high quality mfrg. homes….

    and to be an activities director for an Interfaith agency.

    Both things I’ve been interested in for about 15 years!!!

    So, how to decide? It seems like you shouldn’t get BOTH things you want but only one so you could be sure you’re being “guided” in the right direction, lol…

    any help???


  94.  #94LonePlum on March 10, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    87 Alonka

    In the countries I have lived in, calling after 9 pm is rude. May be if we are family or intimate we an call at 9.30pm but not a stranger.


  95.  #95Alonka on March 10, 2011 at 8:00 pm


    Yes. I’d say for singles in NY on a Thursday night (most people go out on Thursday night) 10 pm is kind of a border time. I called at 9:50. I wanted to call tonight, but got caught in the rain and arrived home later than I planned.

    So do you think it’s a good idea to call him tomorrow as he told me to? It feels like I am chasing him a bit.

    I can send an email saying that I got caught in the rain, can’t call on Friday night and ask for a good time for a conversation on Sat.

  96.  #96Lucy on March 10, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    Sweetpea’s Dream —

    You are studying yourself, your reflection, who you are. You are noticing things that have been hidden, things that have been affecting your perception of yourself and your life. You are getting a grasp on these things and pulling them out of their hiding places so that you can see them clearly.

    You find something there that you hate. You feel panicky about finding this inside you, this hated thing. But as you look at this part of yourself, you feel compassion toward it.

    What is this part of you? It is a very very good friend of yours that you’ve known since childhood. Met at church. So this is the spiritual little girl part of you, almost like an imaginary friend or guardian angel presence within you. Possibly your first memories/awareness/experiences of spiritual things.

    She moved away…. This could represent something that happened that diminished your spiritual awareness at some point in childhood (loss of childhood wonder and innocence? some sort of loss of innocence…)

    She moved to a small farm town. (Hehe, that’s why your subconscious mind picked a spider like in Charlotte’s Web to play this out. :))

    When your mom died, she came back for awhile. Did you reconnect with your spiritual self when your Mom passed?

    “Then she went away to college and I totally lost her.” College represents a place (possibly figurative) of higher learning. Possibly a time came in your life where you were busy learning and exploring things about life, and “totally lost” part of your spiritual connection, your innocence and wonder?

    Now she is back! You have reconnected with this wise childlike spiritual part of yourself….and this is one of your favorite parts of you. You don’t see her or talk to her as much as you would like though, but you are very glad when you do.

    This is great: you see that this part of you is beautiful and you admire it.

    Fair skin, dark hair – this corresponds with the spider being light colored yet having “dark” creepy connotations. So there is an awareness that in this beautiful spiritual part of you there is both light and dark.

    The dark aspect scares you some, but you are ready to bring it into the light, out of the corner of your eye, to see it clearly.

    “Like Snow White”…. a fairy tale with some very dark goings-on. The heroine and the villain represent light and dark inside ourselves. You are more and more accepting and embracing the parts you have previously wanted to reject, deny, disown. You are beginning to see that You are your own worst enemy: You are the witch who tries to poison the innocent Snow White and put her to sleep forever. And because the power lies in you, You can reverse the spell.

    Wake up, Snow White. You only think you are dead. You are very much alive. You will see.

    The last time you saw this part of you fully alive was when your friend met TTG. How did you feel that weekend? Before he “disappeared”? Was there something lovely stirring in you then that wants to come alive again and is just waiting for you to wake it up? Is it connected at all to the spiritual, childlike wonder and innocence part of you?

    I feel curious about the “dead web” you pulled out with the spider. That seems to indicate that the spider no longer has a place to live and to gather her nourishment. Her web is dead. It could mean that this part of you will no longer live in secret, hidden — that home is gone.

    Here’s the beautiful part: the spider you see dead in the sink looks like “the regular, nasty wood spiders that my old house was infested with.”

    Your “old house” is the way you used to live, the old way you used to do things that no longer serves you. That old way, old you, is dead.

    That feels scary. Panicky. Who will I be without those old ways? How shall I live as the “new me”?

    And if the spider is dead, what does that say about the part of me that the spider represents — the spiritual, childlike wonder, innocence? I feel scared! I don’t know what’s happening to me! It feels like part of me is dying.

    Oh…. but I remember…. the spider was pregnant… that beautiful, magnificent, regal, admirable, awe-inspiring part of me was pregnant!

    My spirit was pregnant!

    And those of us who know the story of Charlotte’s Web know that before Charlotte died, she laid eggs… hundreds of them….

    Tiny fully alive growing growing growing spiders in silky pure white sacs hidden among the rafters, waiting for just the right time to crawl out into the sunshine… spring perhaps?

    Old worn out no longer needed things in your life have died. It feels sad and scary. But the good news is that new life is hidden inside you, and it is just about to be born.

    The invitation is to let go of the fear. To let go of the old. To welcome the new. To grieve the losses. And to make room for all those lively, delightful, precious spiritual babies. 🙂

    Just glancing at the toenail dream now… The nail protects and keeps what’s inside hidden. Now the nail is broken apart and the bone is exposed, like the flesh was eaten away. This could be similar to the spider dream — where things that were previously hidden and kept protected are now being brought into the light. It’s frightening and sorta makes you want to look away. But the invitation is to keep looking, pay attention, attend to what is being revealed. Then healing and wholeness can come, and you no longer have to fear what is deep inside because you have seen it and loved it in all its beautiful ugliness. You no longer need to protect yourself with a hard shell (nail). You can be vulnerable like the nail-less toe. Your panic is understandable. But vulnerability will bring you life…..

    Just like all those beautiful baby spiders.

    (If you can’t see the joy in that picture yet, you might want to watch Charlotte’s Web. 🙂 I’ve only seen the cartoon version and it’s sweet.)

    I hope some of this resonates and blesses you. It’s easier and more accurate to do when face to face with the dreamer so you can provide feedback and tweak as you go along, but hopefully this will give you something to meditate on and see what fits.


  97.  #97Alonka on March 10, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    Hi Craig,

    I feel somewhat embarrassed about calling you at 10 pm last night, but I got caught in the rain and arrived home later than I planned. Tonight I won’t be able to talk as I have plans. What would be a good time to talk on the weekend? I am free Sat during the day.

    Hope your presentation went well.

  98.  #98Jacqueline on March 10, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    Alonka – Craig, I felt weird calling late but got caught in the rain! Hope you stayed dry and won’t be able to catch you tomorrow as I have plans but would you like to talk this weekend? I’d love to hear about your presentation.

    What do you think – not as formal, more feelingy and gives him a wider parameter to work within…

    also, 10 p.m. in NYC is kind of like 6 p.m. everywhere else isn’t it??


  99.  #99Alonka on March 10, 2011 at 8:23 pm


    Thanks:) It sounds good. Definitely less formal. I will combine our versions!

    Haha a lot of people call till 10:30 at least, but I normally wouldn’t.

  100.  #100Alonka on March 10, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    Jacqueline but you agree that it’s better not to call him tomorrow?

  101.  #101Siena on March 10, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    Alonka, hi! Here’s what I see when I read your post –

    Sounds like you want to call him first bc it feels unsafe to give a stranger your phone # (do I have that right)?

    But by calling him first AND doing so to protect yourself, you engaged your masculine energy with him, and he responded as he would to any “man” who interrupted his work. It’s nothing personal, he was just responding to the energy.

    How would it feel instead to say something like, “I don’t feel safe giving out my phone number before I feel comfortable with someone, but I don’t know how to feel comfortable with you without talking on the phone…what do you think?”

    He will probably come to the rescue and suggest a time, day and way for you to call him. He will have solved the problem, made the plans, and left you with no “work” except to show up (and in this case, dial the number on the day and time he picks).

    How would it feel to do it that way?

    xoxo Siena

  102.  #102LonePlum on March 10, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    93 Jacqueline

    ***So, how to decide? It seems like you shouldn’t get BOTH things you want but only one so you could be sure you’re being “guided” in the right direction, lol…***
    ha ha ha
    In my life they happen by 3.
    3 men, 3 this, 3 that, and puff they vanish at the same time and i get long hollydays from life: all is off loool
    Then again they all happen by group of 3.

    More seriously, write down the advantages ie hours, working days, driving time to get there, cost to get there, salary, health insurance, possibility to stay there until retirement age, what you felt during the interview (you don’t want to go to work with a knot in your stomach), which one gives you more human contacts if that’s what you like or which ones gives you more time alone working on administrative if that’s what you prefer, which one asks for physical efforts if there is any and so on… What type of problems will you have to fix in either one. Which type of problem do you like to fix?
    What type of people will come to you, which type do you like to deal with?

    Then see what points are important to you.
    I am sure that’s why you already do, but you asked lol


  103.  #103Darling Ella on March 10, 2011 at 8:51 pm

    Thank you Lercomary and T-Girl 🙂

    I feel relieved as we speak 🙂 It feels amazing to connect with someone on a first date 🙂

    Yet, I feel concerned about my hormones not being in check…and desiring to ravish a good man too soon…Are there some pills for keeping those hormones in check? 🙂 Lol

    Okay…I felt happy to connect with him on many levels…more so, I noticed myself…he would say something…and I sure had at least one opinion to add very quickly…phew…:) But this time I noticed…backed off…tooo much information…he needs to feel like he is running the show…:)

    I would get quiet…i smiled…did not initiate most of the conversations…there were times were none of us would say anything…i would sip my drink…feel all that…took lots of deep breaths…:) wow…

    Well, he said at least twice he would like to have dinner with me…he even asked me what i do this weekend…he walked me to my car…gave me a big hug…and wanted to make sure i get home okay…:) Will see if he call this evening 🙂 Either or…i haven’t connected with someone for quite some time…:)

    Thank you Universe for a lovely and well deserved awesome evening 🙂

  104.  #104Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    Posting here as well as on an older relevant thread: Being on the blog a bit feels grounding to me tonight, gets me out of constricted energy and more able to deal w all that’s going on in my life.

    In the American Idol of my life, the man I’ve loved & been in v deep degree of relationship with for 14 months has been eliminated from the running tonight. In the midst of horrific tragedy in my family yesterday, he has been cold, critical, self-absorbed, self-centered, impersonal, needy, demanding under the circumstances, emotionally destabilizing, etc, and has offered not one drop of kind caring words, touch, presence, understanding, sympathy, anything. I feel shaky, deeply sad and angry about the tragedy, pained & grieving to lose this v real-yet-pseudo-relationship… I am feeling overload of emotion right now. He responded to my upset by wanting, expecting, demanding much attention, consideration & regard from me esp about his/our project, which in many serious ways benefits me, and I’m also seriously committed & dedicated to it for life (have met amazing people thru it), but It’s all about him… I can’t ever be ill, distracted, grieving, imperfect, or ANYTHING. Or I’m made to suffer, be lambasted, disregarded, punished, grilled (as he calls it), etc. I needed a break today to deal w shock & grief… to handle the family upsets & conflicts around this event. I need, want, deserve to be supported, cared for, listened to, etc. I give that, in my imperfect passionate and devoted way. I will have that in return. But not here I can see. Not consistently, or often, and clearly not when I need it most!

    It feels like I’m drinking from a well that may give v sweet water once in awhile, but not consistently. Then it goes dry. Then bitter. Then I’m choking on dust.

    And leaning back makes it worse in some ways (way better in many others, and quickly) but this man cannot be outgirled, at least not by me. He’s seeking his ideal woman, which I almost am, but not quite totally. May he find her, and may she be what she will be… I will be free.

    I’ve had enough. He was so humble & sweet when he was ill w flu a few days ago (and I took care of him during the bad part as always, and as has been our agreement) saying in eloquent, articulate, gritty, gentle terms how sickness made him more sympathetic to others, etc. I loved him so much in that moment. He can be v loving, caring, passionate, in love, deep, attentive, etc… And how I *needed* him today. But he flips. Warm-cold-angel-asshole-caring-selfish. Preaches & builds his life and lifework around honesty, and seriously not able to deliver it exactly.

    Well, nuff said. I want a different man in my life. It’s been an ***amazing*** (and terrible) relationship. I’ve learned, changed & deepened much, learned much from his wisdom too (taught plenty as well). The next one will be even better… and more deserving of me and what I bring to the table.

    Thank you Rori and Sirens.

  105.  #105Lercomari on March 10, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    Well I talked to the banker this evening. He asked me if I was okay, because I sounded “off” today. He usually picks up if there’s something wrong with me. I told him I wasn’t okay. I told him how I felt, that I felt sad and angry that his girlfriend was mistreating him and that I wanted him to guard his heart. And I didn’t want him to get hurt. I told him I felt like I had become something of a side girl to him, and that I didn’t want that. He seemed surprised that I felt that way. He said “we’ve both been in complicated relationships and we’ve been finding comfort in each other, but I didn’t know you felt like a side girl.” I told him yes, that’s how I felt, but at this point I need more than just comfort in my life. I need a man who can love me and be there for me. And if he really doesn’t think he can be that to me, then it’s better if I date around to find someone. Because I want love in my life and I feel I deserve it. He said that I do deserve it. And I should do what I need to do and I shouldn’t let him get in my way.
    God. I did NOT want to hear that.
    I told him I hope I was clear and that I didn’t offend him. He said that yes, I made myself clear. Then he had to go…and that was it.
    That was it…don’t let me stand in your way? That’s all he had to say? When I wanted him to suddenly realize that he needed me and renounce his girlfriend and lovingly welcome me into his life…no! His response to “I’m going to date other guys” is “Go ahead, be my guest.”
    I feel so sad now. I knew all along that he wanted her more. It shouldn’t matter now…but it does. My illusion has been shattered, like cinderella’s fairytale turning back into rags and a pumpkin at midnight. I can hear the clock chiming. I feel so hurt right now.

  106.  #106Darling Ella on March 10, 2011 at 9:03 pm


    Wow, u said “Warm-cold-angel-asshole-caring-selfish. Preaches & builds his life and lifework around honesty, and seriously not able to deliver it exactly. “…u described my imaginary bf or ex i guess now…;(

    Big warm hugs to you 🙁 It sure feels awful …running an empty…most of the time 🙁

  107.  #107Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    Nanceen, when you log on I hope you find this. I’m praying & sending energy for your kidney condition… I’m going to find you a link you might find helpful. It’s info I use a lot to go inside and work on the emotional reasons behind illness for myself, and which almost ALWAYS is accurate and yields results for me personally. Our lives have been v similar even w their differences. I relate to what it means to be scarily and painfully, debilitatingly ill, out of work, homeless, etc. Can’t tell you how good it is too look over and see another face in the trenches. Two guns are better than one. Let’s fight this good fight? We are worth it! Am I talking your language at all?… haven’t gotten to know you much yet and don’t wish to presume or butt in… Brb.

  108.  #108Jacqueline on March 10, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    Loneplum – thank you! And although the Interfaith one -parttime activities director is what I long to do…it feels bad. Partly because it is so regimented – long list of questions, I may have to second interview even tho I already did it in August with her boss, again, etc. It feels like the right job with the wrong company. And really, I like seniors – and this is families….but it’s really hard to get to BE an activity director, period so it’s a huge opening.

    Same with trailers or mfg. homes – I’ve wanted to own my own park for about 15 years since a contractor told me how easy they were to make money on vs. apartments…and I told my brother and he now has trailer parks and he’s making money. And, the company will pay for me to be licensed as well – but not benefits at either and it kind of bugs me to work full time and not get benefits (I have my own health ins. tho….)….

    Well, maybe neither will offer? lol…

    but I have amazing reference letters and speak Spanish, so usually they do offer – The trailer office felt much more open and laid back than the other, tho for my “gut” but then getting home at 6:30 at night feels ugh to me.

    Life always presents me with two at a time…lol…three? Ohmygosh! I hate decisions!!!


  109.  #109Jacqueline on March 10, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    Alonka – no I wouldn’t call again, sorry…he should pick up the ball now – best you can do is email and some will say that is forward leaning but it’s breezy enough to be encouraging and doesn’t feel forward to me.

    What do you think? Sorry it didn’t work out the first go round!


  110.  #110Jilly on March 10, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    Alonka…here’s another version..this is what I’d say…

    i’ll tweek off of you and Jacqueline…Craig…i felt weird calling late and got caught in the rain! i won’t be able to catch you tomorrow as i have plans…but it would feel good to talk this weekend :)…what do you think?

    and i wouldn’t say anything about his presentation…feels a lil leany forward to me at this point…since you’ve only talked once?

    that’s just me…and i feel a little nervous saying this/giving input…but i feel confident about my feeling messages so if i can help someone else i definitely want to! 🙂

  111.  #111Lercomari on March 10, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    @Darling Ella 103

    I’m happy your date went so well. And that you restrained yourself from ravishing him…lol. 🙂 I wish they did have pills for keeping those hormones in check. So far you’re doing a good job on your own. 🙂

  112.  #112Jilly on March 10, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    Dang it…i hate it when i post and its “out of date”!!! lol

    alonka i didn’t realize the thread was so much further ahead than when i started reading 🙂

  113.  #113Jilly on March 10, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    So…anywho…the CDing is going pretty well..

    I have 3 awesome guys in the rotation and it feels amazing! and kinda scary at the same time!!!

    i went skiing with the pilot and we had so much fun and i’m very attracted to him..and he’s called and texted everyday since!!! yay for me!!

  114.  #114Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    Nanceen… links for you and/or anyone wanting to see more about metaphysical origins of illness in the mind/body/spirit connection… this is info I use all the time and it helps me a ton. I don’t endorse or disallow any religion that may be represented here… it’s just good info imho. I think there are relevant nuggets on all these sites. Hope this feels good for you to read. It feels good for me to post. Enjoy! (Hope this is ok to post, Rori & staff).






  115.  #115Brenda on March 10, 2011 at 9:32 pm


    RE: #5 – I feel comfortable with what Kenny taught me: the 3 date rule.

    If I give a man a chance to show his best self by accepting 3 dates with him, and I still don’t like him, then I feel free to walk on.

    The first date, he may be nervous, and I don’t really have a feel for him. The second date is a little more telling. By the 3rd date, I feel pretty clear. If I were you, I would walk away.

  116.  #116Meemee on March 10, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    Dear Sirens
    I went through all your comments. I value your comments and support. I could not reply individully to all the comments. sorry.
    I dont want to keep this baby. I do not have that option. I am in the middle of my phd and jobless and in our culture pregnancy outside marriage is seen with a stigma. I really dont think i should go through another set of pain and trauma.
    I am done with this.
    I spoke to doctor. I can go next thursday and get the termination done. That is settled.
    But i need to get advice on the following things. Its extremely important that i get help from you on the following
    1. I have got a couple of dinner invitations from from two men. I do not feel like dating now. I do not feel like meeting men now. Is that a wise decision. I am deeply wounded. I dont want to date till i am healed. In this situation I dont want to date and I hope I am doing the right thing?
    2. X contacts me once in a while to get an update on the situation. Should I cut that completely?
    3. X knows i am getting the abortion done on thursday and he promised to come with me to hospital. If he fails his promise what should I do?
    4. Or should i take help from him at all?
    I know I sound very clueless on my own life. But thats what i feel now.
    I need to buck up
    I need to get back to my life
    I need your help

  117.  #117Jacqueline on March 10, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    Lercomari – OUCH!!! Wow, that feels like a freakin band aid being ripped off – so sorry, ugh. CD asap, please??!!!

    Gingersky! glad to see you’ve settled in and come “home!” – I hope you do post the link, I am a massage therapist and Reiki healer and I’ve got a whole thread on another forum and have been writing about physical illness – the you have to go to the doctor and the metaphysical meanings/connections…

    And Jilly, just saying hello to you too…
    and to everyone here tonite and just….all around!

    Off to sleep on….naaaah, I’ll just let it show up…so off to dream sweet dreams and you all do too!


  118.  #118Darling Ella on March 10, 2011 at 9:36 pm


    So kind of you, thank you 🙂

    I read you story …and it is a very hurtful situation u are in 🙁

    U said “I felt sad and angry that his girlfriend was mistreating him and that I wanted him to guard his heart. And I didn’t want him to get hurt.”

    I feel triggered by this…just so u know…these triggers are never about u…they usually are part of past experiences for the person being triggered…in this case, being me.

    First, how would u ever know for sure he is being mistreated???? Did u see them interact with one another? Did u meet her? Just because he says he’s not feeling close to her as he is with u…doesn’t mean it is the truth…

    Based on my last relationship experience…he said everything by the book to get me stay with him…I felt like I was going crazy and I was imagining things…so, I start digging (mind me for six months I gave him the benefit of the doubt…lots of work…travel…etc…), yet my gut was warning me otherwise…

    So, as soon as I dug deeper into his whereabout…I sure found out lots of “awesomeness”…Long story short, two of the woman I contacted befriended me and we began sharing notes…for about 3 months…anyway, the experience became more dramatic than ever I could have imagined…everyone was hurt in the process…Just because I “shook up his world” as he often said to me after…did not change his pattern as we speak…

    Overall, it is never about the other woman or women…it is about how we feel (safe, loved, etc) with the man we are with…To me all and even the additional women he has added since…they are like my sisters…sharing similar faith…really 🙁

    I sure hope u continue to share u experience because that’s how healing happens…talking about it…as many times as u need…at the same time, people reading may get triggered and may take the opportunity to heal that trigger within themselves….So, thank you for sharing u story 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  119.  #119Lucy on March 10, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    Jacqueline – I totally agree “chemistry may not be required for love but it sure makes it a lot easier.”

  120.  #120Jacqueline on March 10, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    Meemee! so glad to have caught up with you – I had three miscarriages and it sux…but your decision is so right for you, I’m glad you’ve made it and are taking immediate action.

    for me, NO , heck NO you should not date – you will need time to heal…and you will probably feel pain and some grief and all sorts of soup stuff….no way would I bring strangers into it, and if they’re decent guys they’ll be there in a few weeks.

    And, I’m sorry but even if I had to drive myself!!! I would NOT let X anywhere near me – you will be so vulnerable (I had to take my boss once to the clinic, too….) and he’ll just do or say something to hurt you worse – it’s like putting yourself in the HANDS of your abuser. You will be helpless if he decides to berate you or just park somewhere and not take you or just in general, as much as he upsets you it’d be crazy to add that to what will already be a very upsetting thing.

    I had to get d&c’s in the doctor’s office – could not afford the hospital and believe me by the third time I was screaming my fool head off…and I never got pregnant again.

    You need to be calm, comforted and knocked out – don’t you have any other option than to rely on him?

    I hope so, and I’ll keep you in my prayers and send you love and light – and I changed my email to jlinaangel@yahoo.com – so please let us all know how you are, or write.

    I’ve been worried about you and now I know why….

    Please please please do not make this trauma bigger by involving him and please take care of yourself – do not underestimate what you will need to heal and forgive all involved, etc.

    But I sure would make him pay the bill, every cent of it!!!!

    Your well being comes first for me…and I’m going to just KNOW you’ll be allright!


  121.  #121Darling Ella on March 10, 2011 at 9:43 pm


    Look on the prior blog…Laughing Goddess posted two of Rori’s old post about being pregnant, etc…

    See # 770 and 771


    She posted it just for you, and yes, for us as well…

    I think reading these two should give u answers to u questions

    Warm hugs,

  122.  #122Jacqueline on March 10, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    Hey, Lucy! Honestly I wonder if we can ever achieve more than a very deep state of like and respect without it? My sister was oh so impressed with Mr. lowkeyed and then she heard my voice and was like, oh, no you’re over it…lol…it’s great living together, but dang I miss the spark!!

    Wonderful dream interpretation! You should be on my forum at tarot.com!

    PS – and I got one of those weird emails from your addy the other nite and then my computer went crazy saying I’d been invaded…luckily I just closed out and ran my anti virus, anti spyware and anti malware…but if you ever need to write me again – use the jlina one and a different address, ‘kay…I would feel bad not opening one of your emails, but can’t open any more of those.

    Sweet dreams!

  123.  #123Meemee on March 10, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    Thanks dear.
    Darling Ella
    I am reading and rereading them.

  124.  #124Eternity on March 10, 2011 at 9:47 pm


    Sending thoughts of strength and peace. Please take very good care of yourself.

  125.  #125Meemee on March 10, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    But I need to tell you one more thing, which is, I feel tempted to emotionally rely on X. May be because I see myself as helpless now and I feel the urge to feel supported and all. How on earth can I stop feeling that way?

  126.  #126Brenda on March 10, 2011 at 9:51 pm


    RE: #105 🙁 I feel sad to know you are hurting.

  127.  #127Darling Ella on March 10, 2011 at 9:52 pm


    There is another week till Thursday…accept the temptation for now, don’t fight it…u have the right to change u mind by next Thursday…

    The more we fight our feelings…the longer the process for recovery…

  128.  #128Lucy on March 10, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    Feeling annoyed and frustrated. Fb college guy has been talking off and on about wanting to get together for Forever but never comes thru with plans… he texts/fb/emails off and on, and when “on” is very sweet and affectionate and enjoyable. he is one i am always happy to hear from. until yesterday. after not hearing from him for a week, and all these months of not getting together i finally (just inside myself) was fed up. in my heart i kinda said screw you. i was surprised all the good feelings had

  129.  #129Meemee on March 10, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    I am trying to think with clarity. But the more I think the more confused I become.

  130.  #130Lucy on March 10, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    soured. i hd always had good feelings about him before. this time i thot, well if he ever contacts me again i certainly will not feel excited and happy to hear from him! good riddens! SO today, out of the blue he texts me and with no prelude asks me out for next weekend. WHAT???

  131.  #131Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    #46 kaitlyn: Thank you for being on here and speaking so honestly & disclosingly… I feel you… I like all you said. You’re probably smart, savvy, full of good love, interesting, edgy cool, many-faceted, strong, talented/gifted (maybe in ways you don’t even know yet?), soft… I don’t know. But I DO know THIS: The NVs are LYING! (only every time their lips are moving 😉 More later.

    #105 Lercomari: How I relate to your post here and the pain, sadness, embarassment, disregard that I feel in reading it… can words even really tell? I know this moment from relationships past and not as past. Love to you and nice to meet you on here. I have SO been thru that scenario and heard those same words… lol, I offer this that someone shared w me once: In our culture, if you tell someone you are disillusioned, they’ll say, “I’m so sorry to hear it!” But in Hindu culture they’ll say, “That’s great! Congratulations!” Disillusionment is a gift… illusion sucks (well only after it gets dissed, lol). For whatever it’s worth, you aren’t alone in this.

    #106 Darling Ella: Big warm hugs needed & received 🙂 Thank you. I like being quite a bit unique around the edges but I don’t like feeling I’m in a unique situation, so it feels very good to read that… here’s to some different kinds of men for us, and good conversations to be had here. I’d like to hear more about your now ex and esp the honesty part (what was his engagement of that?) Hugs & sympathy back to you in the ending of a relationship… God that feels awful… I know… congratulations, we’ve just been disillusioned. OUCH THAT EFFIN HURTS!!! Argh.

  132.  #132Jacqueline on March 10, 2011 at 10:00 pm

    Meemee – one time my boyfriend and I fought – and I tried to hit him over the head with a lamp and about pulled his private parts off twisting them and let him convince me to let go…

    – and he threw eggs into my refrigerator busting them in there….and we were drunk and (this was after a year long break up and me in therapy and when I realized they will ALWAYS hit you again if they hit you once….)…..

    he then had the presence of mind to beat the sh*t out of me by hitting my on the side of my jaw over and over (not splitting my lip open and having it swell 5x it’s size for the world to see….)

    AND I had to then go to the hospital in an ambulance to make sure my jaw wasn’t broken…and what am I gonna do, call my mother and give her a heart attack and get her to come take me…

    so he’s all contrite now…and I have to let him ride in the ambulance with me!!!! yep, “emotional support”

    Of course I left him and that was my lesson that no amount of “love” can make you able to stay with a man.

    You have time to plan….please think about it – one wrong word from him and it’s going to be 100x worse….find a friend, a stranger, a support group…anything???

    And learn from me – to this day I still feel humiliated that I let him beat me and then ride in the ambulance with me….

    and even after he quit drinking for 30 years, I would never marry him….even tho he’s going to retire a millionaire, even tho he was the prettiest brown eyed boy I’d ever seen, even tho he offered to pay for me to finish college!

    X is TOXIC…you said so for months. yes you’re weak, but you’re putting yourself in harms way if you do it…in my opinion, and still
    of course, you can do whatever you need to!!


  133.  #133Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 10:00 pm

    #129 Lucy: Isn’t that the way it always goes? You washed your car and made it rain… again…? (yeah, what’s up with that phenomenon?!)

  134.  #134Lucy on March 10, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    Seriously??? I JUST decided I’m done caring about this guy so, what?, he feels it in the air and decides to finally point blank ask me out??? so bizarre! And i really feel turned off about it! a week ago i woulda been thrilled. what now? i feel angry about the stupidity of the situation.

  135.  #135Jilly on March 10, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    Brenda…i like that 3 date rule! 🙂

    Hi Jacqueline 🙂

  136.  #136Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    #59 Lisi: Thank you, I’m taking that for my message/truth as well tonight. (Love your posts… if u have or ever do write a book, can I get an autographed copy please? 😉

  137.  #137ConfuzzledCookie on March 10, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    Hello Sirens!!

    I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I miss you all so very much. I know, it’s only been two days, haha. And the past two days have been crazy busy. I had the fifth grade class from you know where at work today.

    I went on a date tonight!
    I suppose he’s a prospective CD.
    It was fun.
    He came this way and we met up at a bar around here. In all honesty he’s not as attractive as I’d like, but I had a nice time. He talks a lot which is good because it took the pressure off of me to be talking. I tried to envision the waterwheel in my mind, and I was trying out some other tools. I practiced the I’m all that one and sure enough, as everyone says, success – it works. Others definitely noticed. I think I’ve been testing out a mixture of leaning forward and leaning back with this one. So far it doesn’t seem to have much effect either way. He’s been receptive to just about everything.

    I’ll be catching up tomorrow!


  138.  #138Darling Ella on March 10, 2011 at 10:02 pm


    During that time…about two week before and about three weeks after…I literally mourn day and night…i would not stop crying and screaming my heart out…of pain…I felt like a lioness that lost her cub to a hunter…:(

    I thought of nothing but feel…I had a complete surrender once I made my decision…he was no longer a part of it…he kept calling, txt…I didn’t move…I felt nothing towards him…about the 3 week after…I began to deal with my emotions about him…felt sad…a sense of loss…angry at times…etc…

  139.  #139Lucy on March 10, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    Basically, as soon as I said I didn’t want it, I got it. 🙁

  140.  #140Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    #134 I totally get that… maybe timing is everything… and his timing may leave you feeling unvalued, or taken for granted? Buh bye, bad timing guy?

  141.  #141Jilly on March 10, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    Lucy..what are you going to do? Weren’t you afraid of “hurting” him last week?

  142.  #142Meemee on March 10, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    I feel bitter
    I feel pain
    I feel pain because I am dealing with something I never wanted in my life.
    I feel pain because I am doing something which I should not have done if X had stepped up
    I am feeling bitter because I went to him for help
    I feel bitter because I hear him intellectualize the situation
    I feel bitter because I feel rejected
    I feel pain because I feel somewhere deep down that I am compromising myself
    I feel pain because I am confused
    I feel pain when I think of those times when I actually thought that this is over
    I feel pain when I think of the times when I belived I am over X
    I feel bitter when I think that I am taking whatever little help he’s offering me
    It hurts to expect more from him
    It hurts all the more to see he’s not offering anything other than money
    I feel pain that my self esteem has taken a nose dive now
    I am bitter that I negotiated with him
    that I accepted his crumbs

    I am just writing things down
    I am trying to sort my feelings out

  143.  #143Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    #116 XOX to you, colleague Jacqueline! That felt good to read.

  144.  #144Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    #113 Jilly: Yay for you! Thanks for a good report from the CD frontlines (to those like me in a small city where everyone knows each other… and I prefer guys from other more interesting places)… not ready for the frontlines yet, CD-dated TONS in past years I guess… but your post feels good, and brings back warm memories to help me get back on that horse. Uff!

  145.  #145Jilly on March 10, 2011 at 10:14 pm


    nice job with the rifting!

  146.  #146Jilly on March 10, 2011 at 10:18 pm

    Gingersky (love the name by the way!) and thanks 🙂

    sometimes i feel like i only post my anxieties on here and so it feels good to post the GOOD stuff too

    i feel happy like i’m really getting the hang of it…

    just today i was feeling a little overwhelmed…like how in the world am i supposed to handle all these MEN!!??? lol I love it!! but it does feel scary especially when i’m feeling really connected to more than one…thats never happened to me before

    i feel like the bachelorette…i really do

  147.  #147Brenda on March 10, 2011 at 10:19 pm


    I’m feeling so profoundly, deeply and terribly sad to the point of pain in my body around this issue. I feel so sorry for this situation. I feel like throwing up, and I feel so bad because I have seen ultrasound videos of a baby’s silent scream. I feel passionate about the feelings of the unborn, because he or she cannot speak for herself… I’m going to pour love all over myself and compassion, too, and let it slop over onto anyone else who wants it. Even though I’m heavy-hearted, I feel God inside me and I feel love. I feel like an instrument of love, and I’m just learning how to play me. I feel helpless and miserable because I feel helpless to change what I want to change. I’m praying on all this, praying on peace for myself. I’m going to give this up to God.

    I know there are no cheap solutions…but is killing a solution? I would feel so elated if you were to allow me the honor of personally adopting your child. I have longed to be a mother all my life.

    I also feel your pain and confusion. Looking back on my times of crisis I realize I was not able to think things through clearly. Instead, I often regretted the important decisions I made in crisis mode. This is why I always look for a well-informed, compassionate advocate. Someone who will help me consider all my choices and see the big picture. Someone who can help me understand there is life beyond the crisis. This is what they do at crisis pregnancy centers.

    I know when I am in a crisis, I tend to only see the crisis immediately facing me and am looking for a way to make the pain and confusion end. I have come to see the “crisis” as a way to bring healing to my wounds, wounds that can only spread and be compounded if I handle the crisis with short-sightedness.

    I have spoken to several women who went through an abortion (I recommend the book, “Stormie”, by Stormie O’Martian). What few realize is that a woman is actually the second victim of abortion: there is often long-term emotional trauma from the loss of your child.

    Many women are now wondering how to handle the emotional, physical and spiritual repercussions that have come from their freedom of choice. They know they are hurting and often times women suffer in silence because they fear their loved ones, friends, and church family will condemn them for their past choices. A crisis pregnancy center is a safe place for women to come for help, and I could put you in touch with one here if they are not available in India.

  148.  #148Meemee on March 10, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    I am gonna close my eyes.
    I am gonna listen to a nice music
    I am gonna light a cigar
    I am gonna tell myself
    “Meemee, nothing has gone out from your hands. You still can make it.”
    I am gonna tell myself to accept myself completely.
    I am gonna tell myslef to love myself unconditionally

  149.  #149Jacqueline on March 10, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    Knocksoftly – oh, thank heavens!!! I have SO wanted to know the end of the story FOREVER but couldn’t bring myself to like publically ask you!!!! And so sad the re-admittance…and the re-hurt!!! Hugs to you, darlingest!!

    Lucy…so be angry….and sleep on it…and see if the feeling changes. But I’m sad you don’t get to feel excited – this I guess is the CDng point so you’ll be all able to feel happy cuz you had no focus on him – but you’re not superwoman and you feel what you feel. good luck!

  150.  #150Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    #142 Meemee: Witnessing your words… relating… it feels dark, familiar, honest and grounding to read. Feeling you be in it, with it… appreciating your sharing and getting it out. I hope to see a *beautiful* rose, complete w thorns (realness) as well as blossom and fragrance, come up under that icy feeling… my projection… you’re not alone.

  151.  #151Lucy on March 10, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    yeah i probably was afraid of hurting him last wk. i was attracted to him in every way except physically but was wanting to give him a chance bc he made me feel good in all other ways.

  152.  #152Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    #142 Oh, and Meemee…

    …imho the thorns on the rose are like good claws, they allow you to fight and hold your ground!

  153.  #153Lucy on March 10, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    I don’t know what to do. will sleep on it at least. what really makes me mad is that it reinforces the pattern: if you don’t want it, you’ll get it. if you do want it, you won’t get it.

  154.  #154Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    #147 I went thru abortion at 17 and wish I hadn’t. The lifelong pain is impossible to even describe. Worked thru lots of it but it never goes away completely… changes you forever, changes everything. No judgments on anyone here, but I can’t have kids now, that was my only chance. Wanted to have 2-5 (adopt a couple if nec). Was too ill (& broken by abuse) to handle them then though. Would take one in half a heartbeat now if I could! Biggest heartbreak of my life not to have any. It doesn’t stay dark & bad if you’re pregnant… it seems that way at the time, but gets a LOT better later as I’ve seen. Can I help? How? All I have to give are words… love… trust… presence… prayer… faith… listening and holding space.

  155.  #155Jilly on March 10, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    gingersky…i hope you are feeling better from earlier tonight… from #104

    lucy…i had a cd this past fall do that to me for months…but we went out on a date within 3 or 4 weeks so i definitely had time to form an “imaginary” man in my mind…i felt disappointed when we met…but he kept in contact and i start falling for him but he would never actually make anything happen even though i knew he liked me…and then he still looks at my dating profile all the time but he would never step up??? go figure..but i finally got bored and moved on…

    not saying this is whats happening…just sounds familiar 🙂

  156.  #156Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 10:35 pm

    #153 Lucy: Yes how I relate to that. Surely that is not really the truth of life… but it so seems like it sometimes. It MUST be true that we are manifesting that via some internal pattern — onew we can CHANGE. ?

  157.  #157ConfuzzledCookie on March 10, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    Where’s all my friends?
    Out being the goddesses they are?
    I hope so!

  158.  #158Jilly on March 10, 2011 at 10:37 pm

    gingersky..i have a question for you….how did you find out you couldn’t have kids and it was from the abortion? if this is too much just say…

    i had one at 22 and i’ve often wondered if it ruined my chances because i’ve had alot of sex since then (although I’ve been really safe) and nothing…but i want children

  159.  #159Jilly on March 10, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    um gingersky…maybe i misread your post now that i’ve re-read it

  160.  #160Jilly on March 10, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    Hi Confuzzledcookie 🙂

  161.  #161Jilly on March 10, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    ok..it’s super late for me…i’m off to bed 🙂

  162.  #162kaitlyn on March 10, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    77 loveiseverywhere

    Go for drinks. Drinks can also be low key.

    There’s a misconception that drinks+no sunlight = raucous partying, swinging from the chandelier, and rapey time. It’s not. Just have a drink and keep the meet-n-greet to 30 mins. And no, they don’t get weirded out when you have to go. Guys know it’s not a real date. No pressure for either person expected.

  163.  #163kaitlyn on March 10, 2011 at 10:45 pm


    I had no physical or emotional pain after my abortion. I bought a sweater online from J Crew and took a nap afterwards.

  164.  #164Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    #156 Thanks, Jilly. I’m ignoring it all and talking w Sirens… I could literally overload like a jammed power station, sparks flying & wires bustin’, but I will not. Not right now. Too much to handle and people who I may need to be there for. NO ONE human to lean on really, or be held by as I so need right now, except online peeps (and God is w me now). I’m pushing the nightmares in my mind over to the side and doing what a gal has to do in a time like this. Too many long periods of my life were taken by this stuff, depression, discouragement (which is what lead to the tragedy in my family for someone else who couldn’t take it, and so “ended things” yesterday) and I can’t go there now. The sun’s coming up in the morning, and I will be there to greet it, regardless. Glad you are all here tonight. This is better than the bar, better than getting drunk… not my plan, but my bro said he wanted to last night, and he usually doesn’t either. This is better than pining, puking, or pissing away my strength in misery. I could barely sleep last night and woke up tired… I may be tired tomorrow but I will be able to cope. I’ll be able to be filled and be there for family at a funeral this week. Meditation and prayer are most excellent imo, but I don’t want to be alone or truly quiet right now, and the Man is not stepping up. Sirens are stepping up.

  165.  #165ConfuzzledCookie on March 10, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    Hi Jilly!!!!


    That is exactly what I did tonight, your drinks suggestion. I only had one, but it was a beer from the tap. Geeze she put it in a large glass, I think it was the equivalent of two, haha. Anyways, we were there for at least an hour and a half, maybe two. I should have paid better attention to the time.

  166.  #166Brenda on March 10, 2011 at 10:46 pm


    More tight hugs! I met with my counselor today, and I told her my recent victory over the pain Ryan caused me in 2009. She discussed in depth with me how I am going to handle it if he contacts me again, which he probably will.

    She said it is very hard to do, but it is healthy both for me AND him for me to hold my boundaries. Per her guidance, I am going to write him one last letter, and, among other things, I am going to tell him to please not contact me unless he has found healing. Otherwise, the sick, hurtful cycle will only repeat itself.

    I am sharing that in case it is of use to you, too. Sadly, X has proven to be extremely self-centered. He has become angry with your expression of your tender feelings. Sadly, a leopard doesn’t change its spots. He is not going to be compassionate with you now.

    I know you feel weak and confused…that makes you vulnerable. If I were you, I would feel healthiest to allow ONLY financial support from him. He is not capable of giving emotional support. He is in X’s corner, not in Meemee’s corner.

    Love, prayers, and more tight hugs, Brenda

  167.  #167Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    Brenda, I’m getting more comfortable about the privacy issues… I’m easing into it. Hope I don’t regret it. Thanks for being there.

  168.  #168ConfuzzledCookie on March 10, 2011 at 10:48 pm

  169.  #169kaitlyn on March 10, 2011 at 10:50 pm


    I love you, but everything you believe about abortion is right wing propaganda.

  170.  #170Brenda on March 10, 2011 at 10:56 pm


    Your interpretation of Sweetpea’s dreams is STUNNING!!!!!

  171.  #171kaitlyn on March 10, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    “3. X knows i am getting the abortion done on thursday and he promised to come with me to hospital. If he fails his promise what should I do?”


    Law requires someone to pick you up from the procedure. PLease have a backup for someone to pick you up, as you are not allowed to drive yourself nor take a taxi. If he flakes, he flakes, but personally, I would cease contact with him. I am proud of your for making the wise decision to get this done. My thoughts are with you. It’s an easy procedure. Not something you’d wanna do every week like a French manicure, but it goes by smoothly and will definitely make you more careful about NOT getting accidently pregnant again.

  172.  #172Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    #164 kaitlyn: that’s kind of how I was at the time too, but it was all jumbled and mixed together… the pain & deflatedness, brokenness, being changed forever after that (which I could barely recognize or identify & didn’t care about at the time) and getting up to go shopping days afterwards too, and going to work/school. I NEVER expected to feel anything but better, free, liberated, safe. It was many years before the pain & loss showed themselves for what they were… and in the meantime, had taken me down, but I couldn’t find the source of that. When I did, I was like, NO way… no big effin deal… why would it matter. It never mattered. But it did. And it hurt and pissed me off and more. I cried so hard at one point (for about an hour or more) bc of a certain song on the radio one night in my car parked outside my house, I thought I’d gag & pass out… not “drama”, that’s just what finally hit me and finally came out — 30 years later.

    I was SO PISSED! Like I’d been robbed.

    That’s just my story. Thanks for sharing yours. Life is stories and yours matters… they all do even when they don’t imo.

  173.  #173Lucy on March 10, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    Goodnight all. Thanks for your support. Love hugs prayers for all – so sorry for your family tragedy gingersky 🙁 <3 Lucy

  174.  #174Brenda on March 10, 2011 at 11:00 pm


    I love you, too. I was talking about my feelings, from my heart. I don’t know anything about right wing propoganda. My heart feels grieved and shocked when I see ultrasound videos of unborn children being aborted. My heart also feels grieved when I hear the heartache that mothers carry for years after abortion. I feel such love and compassion for creatures who are innocent and defenseless, whether they are animals or unborn babies. I also feel such love and compassion for Meemee, because she was horribly wronged by X, and I know how brokenhearted she is, and how he took advantage of her beautiful, tender heart.

  175.  #175Brenda on March 10, 2011 at 11:15 pm


    Like I said in my long post, I am trying to find myself, find my voice here. I am not perfect, and I am doing my best. Rori emailed me following the discussion of abortion last fall when you were in your crisis pregnancy. And, I learned a lot. She told me I can share my feelings with love and compassion. That is what I have done here.

    In the fall, I was not as solidly in feeling messages. I apologize for such heated discussion when you were in crisis. I feel bad, because I can see that turned you off and shut you down. And all that hit me before you even said anything on this thread tonight. I wanted to be a support to you. I care and I cared. But again, I am not perfect.

    My true feelings are love and compassion, for ALL the victims of abortion.

    Love, Brenda

  176.  #176ConfuzzledCookie on March 10, 2011 at 11:15 pm

    *chucks some mud at knocksoftly*


    Come play?

    I’m just kidding love, but hello. How are you?

    And I agree……… I dislike all forms of arguments. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

  177.  #177Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    #159 Jilly: It’s not too much to say (amazingly right now)… they can’t be sure if it had anything to do w the abortion but there may have been some cervical scarring or something (it was 1979, maybe different technology then). I never cared to find out really. I had other illnesses which weakened me so I couldn’t go thru pregnancy anyway.

  178.  #178Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 11:24 pm

    #176 Meemee, for what it’s worth, since you don’t know me or anything, I *totally* support you in any decision you make… you have the right to that. I didn’t mean to sling any mud. I’m less clear and maybe somewhat careless bc of deep pain/upset right now. This blog is not about that issue per se, and I believe in and practice looking at all sides of any decision/reality w honesty & strength and clarity, bringing up what hides under the surface (no matter how dark & unpleasant) and w much compassion and tenacity if I can… and I do *not* wish to be in your business at all. I hope you get support form other sources that are designed to be about that issue as well.

    And I hope the rose come up under the ice for you still… all the best. xo

  179.  #179Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    #174 Lucy: Thank you very very much… hugs. I’m enjoying and benefitting from your posts… too much to reply to here but wanted to tell u that 🙂

  180.  #180Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    #163 kaitlyn: lol good post, and good point!

  181.  #181Brenda on March 10, 2011 at 11:34 pm


    RE: #127 & 129 – FB Guy STILL hasn’t gotten together with you in person?

  182.  #182Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    #118 Lucy: Chemistry is definitely and absolutely required by me. Else it’s like unsalted saltine crackers or something?

  183.  #183Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    Nanceen & Jacqueline: I posted several links about the metaphysical meanings of illnesses… I guess it’s making its way thru the approval process… it may not be able to be approved, I don’t know (may not be a cool/kosher/allowable thing to post)… you can look it up on your own if you’re interested. I use it as soon as I feel an illness or know I have one, and do something to take the emotion offline so I can get better easier. Hope you put all that behind you and it’s only a memory soon! xo

  184.  #184Brenda on March 10, 2011 at 11:49 pm

    I enjoy feeling sensitive when it is completely silent, and I listen to the rattles, taps, and knocks of items I move around on the desk. I feel in touch with the here and now, and I feel reflective, and that feels peaceful.

    I like it knowing all my animals are contentedly, comfortably sleeping, two dogs and four cats, and their little tummies are warm with good food, and they love to be with me. I like to watch them sleep, a little, soft paw curling or stretching now and then, a whisker twitching, their sides softly falling and rising. I like to reach over and touch a little puffy tail or stroke a leg with my finger.

    I feel grateful for all I have, even tho it isn’t all I want. I like my teddy bear collection, especially the big brown bear with a red, hooded sweater with his ears sticking out, and his name on his chest with a heart: Love. Next to him is my Raggedy Ann, my favorite kind of doll as a child.

    She represents all the love of my Mom. She had just bought me a new “Nangy”, as I called her, when I was about 4 or 5. I lost her while we were out shopping, and I cried and cried. My Mom just wanted me to feel content, so she stayed up all night sewing me a new one with the only fabric she had on hand: light green! I didn’t care that my new Nangy was green! I loved her and remember feeling so amazed that this new Nangy had appeared overnight! I know my Mom is my best friend in the world, the most valuable person in my life.

  185.  #185Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 11:50 pm

    #187 knocksoftly ROFL indeed! That puts funny images in my mind lol 😉 Science lab w kooky experiments gone awry!

  186.  #186Brenda on March 10, 2011 at 11:51 pm


    RE: #188 – Often websites will send it into moderation. I don’t think Rori will mind – it sounds like the sort of thing she is into. You could maybe repost it with “dot com” written out.

  187.  #187Brenda on March 10, 2011 at 11:52 pm


    RE: #187 – LOL! 😆

  188.  #188Gingersky on March 10, 2011 at 11:54 pm

    #189 Bless you, Brenda, wow. Tears… you have given me some peace so I can lay down and sleep. That is gold to me right now. Beautiful peace… beautiful stories… beautiful writing… thank you.

  189.  #189Brenda on March 10, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    This is sooo cute!

    ( -.-)
    ( -.-)
    ( -.-)
    ( -.-)

  190.  #190Brenda on March 11, 2011 at 12:03 am


    RE: #193 – You’re welcome, and thank you!

    Here’s a brief poem I wrote in 2007:

    When it’s quiet enough to hear a clock tick
    And my thoughts take me to you
    I lie alone and caress myself
    Imagining your hands on my breasts

    When it is quiet enough to hear my heart beat
    I know that it is beating for you

    When it is quiet enough to hear my own breathing,
    Every breath sighs, “I love you!”

  191.  #191Brenda on March 11, 2011 at 12:07 am

    I wrote this poem in the 90’s for my friend, Arnold, who was my first boyfriend. We remained friends for years after we broke up.

    True Treasure

    I love to sneeze and I love to sleep
    To feel the breeze, as soft as a sheep
    To find lost keys, or a bargain for cheap
    But mostly I’m pleased for a friend to keep

    A choice of ease, or a friendship so deep
    A buddy to tease, or a bright red jeep
    In a heartbeat I’d seize what a loved one would reap
    Acceptance that frees, and hearts joined that can weep

    Feeling loved
    And feeling love
    For you
    My true friend

  192.  #192Brenda on March 11, 2011 at 12:08 am

    I wrote this in 2002, during my wild years, when I realized how empty it was making love when love wasn’t really there…


    A hot dog without mustard
    Peanutbutter without jelly
    Morning without coffee
    A computer without a printer
    A yard without a dog
    A house with no companion
    Friendship without togetherness
    Sex without cuddling

    Love without Forever

  193.  #193Meemee on March 11, 2011 at 12:09 am

    I am trying to write something here. But I dont seem to have any clarity at the moment. Still, let me write and try and have some.
    I stand convinced that you are deeply concerned and in the past too you were. I am deeply touched. And I respect your honesty to write your feelings and opinions here. I really do. I love you. Many thanks.
    However let me try and tell you what I feel.
    Firslty there are no preagnancy crisis centres here in the place where I live. Nor do I know anyone who decided to keep a child born outside marriage. I dont know how to put this. Pregnancies like this are seen with harsh criticism and moral judgement.
    I know I have to take a call. And I have taken that. I am asking myself the following question
    Do I have to fight and keep this baby? No.
    Do I want to subject myself to humliation and moral judgement within my culture? No
    Do I want to hurt my parents and fight? No
    Do I want to take a decision to keep this and feel resentful towards the child and myself for the rest of my life? No
    Do I want to quit my PhD to raise a child? No.
    Do I want to fight a legal battle to prove that the child is X’s? No (He told me very clearly that I can set aside all my womanly and motherly feelings because he is going to deny it outright if I take any decision other than abortion)
    Do I want to keep his memory with me for the rest of my life? No
    Do I want to give birth to a baby and give it for adoption and keep regretting for the rest of my life? No
    Do I want to shut all possibilities of meeting a decent man in my life? No. (Belive me, here in my country even the fact that a girl had previous sexual relationships is a stigma and seen as morally wrong)
    Do I want to leave my life aside for the coming two years in the process of raising a child? No.
    Do I want to get reminded of X everytime I see the child? No. (Do you remember, I got pregnant the day I broke with him. He gave me promises after promises, made love and denied every promise he made and said he wants to cut the relationship 6 hours after making love to me. I sat in his car for 2 hours listening to his shouting and arguing with him and finally opened the door and walked away)
    Will I be able to go to office and lead a normal life if I take a decision other than abortion? No
    Do I want my name and photo to appear in local news paper as an unwed mother fighting against “fate” and her “abuser”? No
    Will I feel hurt if I keep this Child? Yes.
    Will I feel hurt if I dont keep this child? Yes
    I know its a question of value. And values, by its very definition, are meant to be different.
    I am not looking at what is morally right or wrong here. I am only trying to think what is the correct decision to be taken.
    I have weighed lots of things.
    There might be more than one solution to every problem.
    This also might have multiple solution.
    Even now what I am trying to resist is the emotional pull towards a man who treated me like absoute sh*t. I started having that pull the moment I knew I am pregnant.
    Can I stop expecting things from X like taking care of the child, be a formal father? No
    If I keep this child every day I will wake up and look for a sign from X. A sign that he cares for the baby. He does not. He does not care for anything other than X. I will be hoping every minute that he will make the child’s life better by stepping up and he will sail into a safe marriage and raise his own kids born out of a legal and institutionalized marriage.
    Do I have to suffer this much Brenda? I feel, I strongly feel I should not.
    X is a chapter I am trying to forget.
    X is a chapter I nearly forgot but had to reopen because of this pregnancy.
    I will feel really bad, really really bad if for the rest of my life I get reminded of him every second of my life because of what he left behind with me.
    I will feel equally bad when I think of a baby I had killed.
    If the choice is between this, I would rather feel bad about the non existent baby than about an existent abuser.
    I dont know how do I sound when I say this.
    I may sound very selfish.
    I may sound very cowardly
    I may sound very dramatic
    But this is what I am. I am being very genuine. I am being disgustingly honest here.
    I may be able to see the child independant of X, ten years down. But I doubt I will be able to have emotions towards the child independant of what I feel towards X.
    I will not take that risk. I dont want to take that risk.
    I am sure you will understand me even if you wont agree.
    Love you

  194.  #194Brenda on March 11, 2011 at 12:09 am

    I also wrote this poem for Arnold, when we were still in love, around 1990:

    Prince Untouchable

    Prince Untouchable, concealed by concrete and steel
    Your eyes reflect no pain, no weakness,
    Eyes that have known despair, utter human debasement
    And your heart, in its cold void, has soaked warmth from visions of
    Carefree birds hopping about to find food
    You joke about insanity, proving you’re not
    Past horrors torment your mind; past hurts train your eyes to be invincible
    All of life is hard, and dead, and cold
    And so must you be

    What gentleness is lying there? What tender care still glows?
    What warmth of emotion overtakes your eyes, where only a moment ago nothing showed?

    Prince, I know I saw all that there
    Or was it just the lines of parallel shadows across your face,
    Tricking me and mocking you?
    Present shadows, ever trying to convince you that
    There is no beauty, there is no joy,
    There is no freedom, there is no end
    That hope is just a figment of your imagination

    Prince, look beyond the shadows
    I focus on your face, and the lines of parallel shadows
    Become only a blur, trying to block my true vision
    I look into your eyes, and I see only beauty, depth, warmth, and love
    My true vision transcends the shadows, and it will far outlast them
    You have touched me, my Prince!

  195.  #195Meemee on March 11, 2011 at 12:16 am

    Gingersky, Knocksoftly, Darling ella and Kaitlyn
    Thanks a lot.
    Now my head is becoming stable
    My body is becoming stable
    I am trying to relax and asseess the situation and possibilities.
    Yes. I should have a back up. I called and talked to my supervisor. She said she will fly down any moment I need help. If X backs off at any moment, if he disappears she said she will come and be with me till this is over.
    But she told me very clearly that I should make him pay the bill.
    Thanks a lot. I am going through lots of ups and downs.
    I need prayers
    I need hugs
    I need support

  196.  #196Lercomari on March 11, 2011 at 12:19 am

    Jacqueline, Brenda, Gingersky, Darling Ella, thanks for your support, empathy and love. It’s hard to imagine that I ever had my hopes up so high about him.

    @Darling Ella I think your hunch is right…I was talking to a male friend this evening, and he told me, if a guy says his girlfriend is soooo horrible and he still doesn’t leave her, he’s lying. I don’t know if that’s true in every case but maybe I had better just assume that this is the case with the banker and his gf. It’s just that the banker is a girl magnet and he knows it…he flirts around way too much. I’m sorry I conveniently chose to ignore that. I got drawn right into him. And we had SEX. omg. He’s the third person in my life I’ve slept with besides a boyfriend and my ex husband. I feel so bad about having slept with him now. Maybe I should be glad we’re not dating…but still…can’t help but feel a bit used and very hurt. 🙁

    @Gingersky , nice to meet you too. 🙂 I like what you said about being disillusioned in Hindu culture. It makes sense to be happy that the blinders are taken off and you can see your way clearly. It’s just not so fun initially, when the blinders get taken off and you realize you’re in the middle of the desert, not on a tropical beach. But I still believe I will find my beach someday.

    Still feel that dull ache in my center, like I want to cry but I can’t…I will sleep on it and hopefully feel better tomorrow.

  197.  #197Brenda on March 11, 2011 at 12:27 am


    RE: #199 – Tight hugs…

  198.  #198Brenda on March 11, 2011 at 12:51 am

    I wrote this in 1990 in response to a poem a friend wrote about the pain of love. The last line of his poem was, “If this is love, then love is war.” Here was my response:

    Go Ahead, Break My Heart
    Step into my heart; see what you find
    I offer all I’ve got, so please be kind
    I open the drawbridge; here is the key
    What you are seeing now is the real me
    I make myself vulnerable; I’m fragile and tender
    Inside I’m a child, and I’m weak at the center
    I’ve stored lots of love up to give it away
    I need to be loved, what more can I say?
    I open up my heart; you hand it back in pieces
    This pain never ends; this heartache never ceases
    I slam shut the drawbridge, snatch back the key
    The trust I offered you again will never be
    I will build a wall and say forget it all
    Inside the wall of me, I am safe and secure
    You cannot reach me here; I am hidden and obscure
    I am a self-sustaining castle, unreachable by pain
    Loneliness is my only companion; fear is my only gain
    Better to love and lose again, you see,
    Than to suffer alone endlessly
    When you give away something as precious as love
    It’s never for nothing in the eyes from above
    The best things in life are free, but they cost a lot
    Things like wisdom and love can’t be bought
    Opposites go in pairs, wisdom and mistakes
    Can’t have one without the other – love and heartaches
    To say love is bliss is to say humans are flawless
    Next time I open up my heart, I’ll still be reckless and lawless
    I will pour out my love with the carefree ardor
    Of a waterfall smashing down on the rocks, like a martyr
    Step into my heart; see what you find
    I offer all I’ve got, so please be kind
    I open the drawbridge; here is the key
    What you are seeing now is the real me
    I make myself vulnerable; I’m fragile and tender
    Inside I’m a child, and I’m weak at the center
    I’ve stored lots of love up to give it away
    I need to be loved, what more can I say?

  199.  #199Lercomari on March 11, 2011 at 2:17 am

    I keep wondering, was it right of me to approach the banker that way? I basically asked him to choose between me and his gf…I feel bad about it. Was I justified in approaching him that way even if I was using feeling messages?

  200.  #200kaitlyn on March 11, 2011 at 2:30 am

    202 Meemee

    Don’t be shocked if he doesn’t pay the bill or half the bill. Be prepared to pay it, even if you have to put it on credit card. At least it’s getting paid.

  201.  #201kaitlyn on March 11, 2011 at 2:32 am


    In certain states (or are you outside the USA?), PLanned Parenthood write you a voucher to give to the DHSS for free abortion for those in financial straits. No proof of income needed.

  202.  #202Brenda on March 11, 2011 at 2:34 am


    I am not a professional, so I can’t say for sure. Plus I don’t know exactly what was said or in what context. However, what I feel confident of is that if a man is seeing two woman, that’s a deal breaker immediately.

    Rori wrote one blog thread something like why you can circular date but he can’t. I don’t have time to look it up, but maybe you can find it with those keywords.

    When we walk away, we take back our power and self-respect, upping our degree of difficulty. I believe you did the right thing.

    I know it hurts tho….hugs….

    Love, Brenda

  203.  #203Meemee on March 11, 2011 at 2:39 am

    I am in India.

  204.  #204Meemee on March 11, 2011 at 2:40 am

    I have a very strong gut feeling that he will not turn up.
    I strongly feel so.
    I dont want to worry about that
    I want to stay focused now

  205.  #205Ladybird on March 11, 2011 at 3:55 am

    ((((Meemee)))), please be kind to yourself and take some time to rest. Sending you a big warm hug today. xx

  206.  #206LonePlum on March 11, 2011 at 4:14 am

  207.  #207malaikah on March 11, 2011 at 4:55 am

    I’m feeling a little sad- I haven’t received Rori’s newsletters in a while… any suggestion as to why that may be?

  208.  #208Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 5:30 am

    @202: Meemee says:
    “…I should have a back up. I called and talked to my supervisor. She said she will fly down any moment I need help. If X backs off at any moment, if he disappears she said she will come and be with me till this is over.
    But she told me very clearly that I should make him pay the bill…”

    Hello, dear Meemee:
    I suggest, if it is possible, you have a girlfriend go to hospital with you instead of X. I am happy you have found positive friendship and support from your supervisor. You need help NOW. Accept her offer NOW and not just as a back up.

    Make her your plan and a support into your future. DO NOT rely on X for morale support. Let him pay, let him back off, let him disappear. Accept his payment of our expenses. Accept her support.



  209.  #209Goddess on March 11, 2011 at 5:38 am

    mailakah put your email address here. I will send what I have to you.

  210.  #210Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 5:39 am

    @206: Lercomari

    You focused on yourself, your feelings and your desire to have the relationship you want. I think you did just fine. Give yourself a hug and kiss. Cry as much as you feel. You are now on a journey to meet your soulmate beloved and after a while you will be excited about this.


  211.  #211Lilybelle on March 11, 2011 at 5:39 am

    200: MeeMee

    You are brave and strong.

    Tight hugs to you.


  212.  #212Alonka on March 11, 2011 at 5:55 am

    Jacqueline, Jilly, Siena

    Thank you so very much for your input. Here is what I was thinking to write

    Hi Craig,

    it felt annoying to get caught in the rain and call you late last night. Hope your presentation went great;)
    I won’t be able to to call tonight as I have plans.. But it would feel good to talk on the weekend;) What do you think?

  213.  #213Alonka on March 11, 2011 at 5:56 am


    Thank you again for your input yesterday and SORRY I was listening 30% and explaining, contradicting and justifying 70% again in my response!!

  214.  #214Darling Ella on March 11, 2011 at 6:00 am

    malaikah 214:

    No more newsletters means u are now considered a certified Rori Siren 🙂 Kidding 😉

    Lol…I asked myself the same thing when the letters stopped two months ago…I recall Tinque mentioning something about it – and that we can sign up again for the letters…

    Warm hugs,

  215.  #215malaikah on March 11, 2011 at 6:03 am

    Goddess: malaikah37@gmail.com

    Thankyou thankyou thankyou! Lots of love your way <3

  216.  #216Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 6:10 am

    RE 116 Meemee I agree with SLV. Stand up to him by only accepting financial support for the procedure. In your position I would not even offer any comment on how I am doing after the procedure. He most likely will try to show compassion or concern to ease his guilt. I would not help him with that by giving him any information.

    I also have to say that it is a bit surprising that you say the out of wedlock pregnancy and abortion is so stigmatized in your culture yet there are doctors who carry out such procedures and apparently are easily available. It leaves me feeling that your situation is not as uncommon as you might think.

    My main concern for you is in the healing, forgiveness and compassion for yourself afterwards. That will be an uphill battle IMHO and you will best serve yourself by being aware so you can be prepared to deal with it.

  217.  #217Lilybelle on March 11, 2011 at 6:14 am

    Sometimes… I don’t feel seen or heard.

  218.  #218Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 6:22 am

    RE 224 Lilybelle sometimes I feel it is a good thing here on this blog. That way you won’t get plastered or hammered as I did last week.

  219.  #219Darling Ella on March 11, 2011 at 6:27 am

    Lilybelle #224:

    I see u and hear u 🙂 Warm hugs

    Don’t Cry – Seal for you


  220.  #220T-Girl on March 11, 2011 at 6:27 am

    FW – I feel sorry that you got hammered last week. I really enjoy your posts and the information that you put on here from other dating coaches. It helps me alot.

  221.  #221Lilybelle on March 11, 2011 at 6:28 am

    225: I hear that, FW.

    I still feel icky about that.

    Hey, did you see my thingy about Manly Man? Feel free to email me off blog, if you wish. I would welcome that.


    Big hugs to you!

  222.  #222Darling Ella on March 11, 2011 at 6:37 am

    “A change is gonna come” – to all the Sirens

    I so love Seal 🙂 and his interpretation of “A change is gonna come” feels awesome …


  223.  #223Lilybelle on March 11, 2011 at 6:40 am

    226: DE

    Awww…Thank you!

    You are right…a change is gonna come and it is in process. Hee Hee. I feel almost giddy with excitement.

    Big warm hugs back to you. I like hugs.

  224.  #224Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 6:41 am

    @225: Femininewoman

    Hammered.. uh-oh. I’ll give a hug. Luv ya! (((FW)))

    Sometimes things happen on the blog…

    I’ve been compared to farm animals… 😛 is what I say to that. Most of us are here to learn and share and do the best we can at the time.

    I’m still searching for that real man/mature man article/poem. I hope it turns up.


  225.  #225Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 6:46 am

    RE 228 Lilybelle I saw it but thought Rori’s response to Boomer in 28 was applicable to that situation also. The one I would say is pay attention to your words “his sexual energy scares me. And, because he is so masculine, I feel off-balanced”. I would ask myself “why is his sexual energyy so scary? Why do I feel so off balanced”. If I was going to assume anything, it would be that I have some amount of discomfort around my sexuality. I was listening to this month’s interview with Tinque and she was talking about exploring your body with multiple orgasms and masturbation. I immediately realized that I have tension around those topics and was closed up in my pelvis area around it. Don’t know if that relates to you or if you have something similar but I intend to explore my beliefs around that and how my body responds to that.

    I saw one of the ladies in Sex and City do it in front of her husband who was closed off to her sexually and how it opened up the relationship for them. I have also read that some guys get turned on by that kind of thing but remember thinking there is no way I would masturbate in front of a man. But now that I am listening to this interview I am having all kinds of thoughts.

    Could it be that he is reflecting to you that there are parts of your sexuality that is closed off? Rori’s words “open up the closed-down parts of yourself and get into the light the dark parts of your subconscious that want to keep you trapped in your same-old-same old” were very loud to me. What I would do in such situations is keep all my dates outdoors but I would continue dating him and checking how my body is responding to him. You want to be aware about when you are turned on and what turns you on. You want to be aware of what and where you are off-balance in your body IMHO.

  226.  #226Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 6:53 am

    RE 227 Thank you T-Girl, I appreciate that.

  227.  #227Lilybelle on March 11, 2011 at 7:14 am

    232: FW

    I value and appreciate you so much. You have given me more to think about and digest.

    I think my “fear” of his strong sexual energy is really about sleeping with him… I had given myself some boundaries surrounding that and he wants to cross those and honestly, I want to let him. lol

    BUT, I have my mother and the social stigma in my ear talking about “good girls don’t, bad girls do.” After all these years, she is still in my ear. I would like to find a way to heal that, let it go and be free to experience.


  228.  #228Mel on March 11, 2011 at 7:27 am

    I have seen a few mentions of Rori’s “yummy pie” email. As I have just signed up, I have not seen this. Can someone post the contents or forward the link?

    …Still working (hard) to leave my oars alone and to be content to drift for a while while I wait for my husband to pick them up. The hardest part is to let go of disappointment and expectations and just let things happen (or not). I find myself hoping and hoping that he’ll finally get it and then feeling sad when he doesn’t. Maybe this is a lesson in patience for me, but I’m feeling a little frustrated at the moment. I can’t believe how hard it is just “to be.”

    I really am seeing that he doesn’t love or respect me for doing everything for him. He’s happy to take what I give, but it doesn’t inspire him to give back. And then I just feel taken advantage of.

    I like the suggestion that was given to do something for myself whenever I would have done something for him. I have also been asking myself “do I really need to do this?” For example- Yes, I need to make dinner (because I need to eat), but do I need to make something elaborate? No! Do I need to wait until he comes home (late) to eat? No! So I just made what I wanted, and ate when I felt like it. I actually felt a bit of weight lift just by doing this simple thing.

  229.  #229ConfuzzledCookie on March 11, 2011 at 7:28 am

    I had a strange dream about P last night that was choppy and all over the place. I can’t even really remember it, but it made me feel quite a longing for him.

  230.  #230Prairie Girl on March 11, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Oh Sirens… Why is it so hard to look at the good when you’re feeling low?

    My babies leave in a few to be w/their dad for a week.. I was supposed to be w/LMcowboy this week if things had gone the way we’d discussed/I thought planned…

    I’ve told God that I am willing to be alone.. But I need a “life” friends… stuff.. so I’m not lonely… I do know quite well how to be happy alone…and how to survive alone w/another person… But now, at this point in my life I really wanted love…

    I just don’t bounce well anymore… not off my horse, not in my heart… I HATE having men in my mind… thoughts.. heart if they are not meant to stay..

    I GET the CD thing… for me, it just is like doing any other distracting thing.. .like drinking or something.. feels great to feel no pain, but the next day is a beeoch…and my heart hurts…

    So.. last weekend when I told LMCB off I told him that some guy on OKcupid had emailed me and asked to chat.. I gave him my number w/out making him work for it because his profile pic was a wrangler butt in chaps (for city girls-the view of the back side of a working cowboy lol)

    He said what’s his name? I said I didn’t know and didn’t care.. I was running so as not to think of him w/other women…. he said well just don’t think of me w/other women…laugh…

    Of all the men in my life… ALL of them.. there have only been TWO that could reach me w/words My most important desire…

    I didn’t even think it really existed, what they do… the first was toxic so I didn’t believe, the second was LMCB… He is one of the most heartbroken, and tormented souls I’ve known..

    I didn’t need him.. I wish he’d never come. I was better off not believing what he was existed…

    NOW chaps cowboy did call last weekend and his voice didn’t match his pic.. so I had him send me one right then…

    YEP you got it.. LIAR!!!!! WTF? Why am I drawing this to myself?

    Online he says he’s 47… but on phone 53.. the pics online are him at LEAST 10-20 yrs younger.. Just got out of a marriage 5 mos ago to a 32 yo woman that he talks to daily..

    Anyway, I sort of agreed to go out this weekend, but then never hear from him all week.. He lives 3 hrs away and would drive here for lunch/movie/whatever I want..

    So my week goes good…I work one day as a waitress in a one horse town cafe…I’m thinking about quitting cause my reg home biz is getting busy, but have fun seeing all the local farmers and they seemed to have missed me..

    I make DOUBLE my usual tips..

    I look in an outdated newspaper on the counter and see the date past ad for auditions for play.. call anyway… get the part and have had rehearsals every night this week and its funny and FUN! I’m dating myself sort of…

    I’ve told God and my family that I’m done w/dating/men… Now if I could just get over the lonliness… I believe happiness is a choice and I’m trying to choose happy alone…

    I’ve said I need an “arranged” marriage if I’m ever to have one… I do not want all this mind fuc&ing that comes w/flirting/dating!!!!!! I am too soft… I get hooked… my mind is too … something..

    SO chaps calls yesterday while I’m on my way to a funeral to ask about Sat.. He’s prepared for me to turn him down.. I think he knows I know he’s a liar…

    I had just told God that I needed something to entertain myself with this weekend.. no kids, no play practice, no friends here other than cousins… And he calls…

    Do I have to go out with him? Oh and he’s not cute…

    Cousin says that if someone wants to take me out and treat me nice I should go… but I don’t know how to explain this… I feel too sensitive… too easily “slimed” by other people’s energy.. especially men when it’s in a situation like “dating”.. even when you’re just “pals”… I can feel their … hopes? If not expectations…

    I am sad today…I’m trying to look for every single thing I can to be thankful for… but I miss LMcowboy… and he writes on his blog he misses my voice… but he wasn’t real… so why does it hurt so much?

    I know that very soon he will be as forgotten as Smooth cowboy… But I resist it w/him… I don’t want forget him… I want to be mad he came… It felt like a horrible cruel trick… Dangle the ONE thing I didn’t dare hope for in front of me… then SNATCH it away as soon as I believed…

    I feel like I am truly destined to be alone… unless I settle for less than I want… because I am too tired to play the games it takes…. too tired and angry at the thought of weeding through the sale bin to find the deal…F*ck that chit….

    Aren’t I just peaches and sunlight today? LOL…
    I can’t say this on my blog… I have to have overcome, survived, and have a lesson learned before I can write it there… You are the only ones I can show myself to when I am ugly and raw…

    Thank you for any words of wisdom you can share about this… especially chaps… he’ll call in a couple hours…. IDK what to say…


  231.  #231Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 7:53 am

    RE 234 That sounds like it need a reframe. Maybe look at it from the Pat Allen mp3 which lets us know about the oxytocin effect of bonding that takes place after sex? Also the fact that guys slow down the pursuit or withdraw after sex seeing they mostly prefer to shut down strong emotions? I guess what I am saying is put in perspective past experiences about what comes up after sex. Also in as much as you want to do it, how emotionally attracted is he to you and how long have you been dating? CC says the deep emotional bond is what keeps the relationship together, the physical chemistry does not go down. Are you comfortable doing it in light of other people’s story of the guy withdrawing and disappearing after 2 months of a great connection. Remember sex clouds our judgement and guys know this happens to us. Many men tend to allow “the wheels to come off” and react with strong emotion and neediness after sex. I have heard coach after coach after coach say be aware of yourself and do not have sex until you can handle it. If you can have a “whatever” attitude after and be happy with or without him is the winning combination/attitude. However, if you will want more, you might shoot yourself in the foot. Many guys have not thought about whether they really want us in their lives before they jump into bed. It is just sex and they enjoy it. Also other women have taught them that they had better run for the hills after, so they are mentally prepared to do that and sometimes they flame out just on the expectation of a woman going “psycho”. Also remember that some guys do sex to “mark their territory”. Are you will to be his if he claims you in that way?

  232.  #232Prairie Girl on March 11, 2011 at 7:59 am

    229: Darling Ella
    OMG I LOVE that song… I’ve never heard it before… WOW thank you!
    I’m buying it now…
    I could use a change…lol

  233.  #233Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 8:03 am

    @237 PG
    “…Thank you for any words of wisdom you can share about this… especially chaps… he’ll call in a couple hours…. IDK what to say…”

    I think this is on topic. I think I’d say “yes!” Rori says: “Just keep exploring and allowing….” And also, I believe, be willing to be surprised.

    The date could be just for fun, a no stress lunch and “getting-to-know-you” conversation…maybe a couple hands of poker… 😀 … and then he’s gone.

    Plan some stuff to do after he leaves, so if you are getting bored you have something else to look forward to.

    BTW, I’m still listening to the Sada music video. Remember that? Thanks for bringing it to me. I feel lovey when I hear or watch it.

    Sade – “By Your Side”


  234.  #234Darling Ella on March 11, 2011 at 8:03 am

    Hmm…Feeling weird…as in uncomfortable…a bit worried…:(

    My last nite date, Mr. C sent me a txt this morning “have a great day! thank u 4 last nite”…the tone doesn’t sound the same as before…not as enthusiastic…:(

    I feel triggered because I recently had another guy flat out txt me he expected I would send him a message after the date to thank him for the $100 dinner…:( Although, I thanked me at the end of our dinner and when he dropped me off…

    I always show appreciation…just that I don’t follow up no more…

    I now feel concerned Mr. C feels the same way 🙁 A few other guys before suggested movies, getting together during our short date…I expressed “yes, it feels great :)…” i did not follow up with neither one…and neither were they…:(

    I recall something a guest on Rori’s toxic program said that men on the West coast (particularly LA guys) are lazy…they are used to women coming half way or doing all the work 🙁 Gosh, i now feel awful…and doubtful of succeeding using the tools as they are…I may need to adjust them 🙁

  235.  #235Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 8:11 am

    I am thinking I’m carrying around with me my own built-in love factory. I can bring healing, peace, love and everlasting joy to some lucky man… This is powerful!


  236.  #236Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 8:12 am

    T-Girl Got the following from Christian Carter

    I tell them that pulling away is very common for a man – even in the best of relationships. What matters here is not that the man is pulling away, it’s how the woman HANDLES the situation when he does. Because while you can’t generally control why, he pulls away, you CAN have full control over how you respond to it. Think about that for a minute. You have enormous power in your relationship with a man to steer things in a positive direction… even if he’s not “cooperating” with you in any given moment.
    So let me ask you this: How do you usually respond when a man pulls away? Do you get upset and react out of fear to the problem he’s creating?
    Or… are you conscious and aware enough to take a moment to make a different choice – a choice that could reconnect you both right away rather than push back when you feel him pulling away?”
    A large part of handling this situation with a man actually involves not DOING very much at all. If you’ve ever heard of the expression “action in inaction”, you’ll want to keep it in mind here. The concept is that NOT taking action and giving up control of a situation is sometimes the most powerful action you can take. Why? Because you’re allowing events to unfold naturally and you actually get to learn information you can use to then take the necessary action. Let me show you what I mean in the context of this all-too-common relationship scenario where a
    man pulls back.
    When a man who has been showing a lot of interest in you suddenly pulls back, your immediate reaction is probably to launch into “fix it” mode. You might start to worry, ask him what he’s thinking and feeling, and generally try to “fix” the situation.
    While this might seem like a sensible, proactive thing to do, it usually ends up leaving you frustrated and can actually create more distance between the two of you.
    That’s because when one person in any interaction becomes the “convincer”, the other person will usually resist. It’s human nature, and you probably know it all too well from your experience with men.
    A key to not falling into the trap of trying to fix things when a man withdraws into himself and to not drive yourself crazy trying to get him out of it is to first understand if this is a pattern HE HAS in his own life.
    If so, the first you need to do is to get clear that this is NOT about you. Doing that will allow you to clear your mind and stop acting from a place of worrying or wondering if it’s something about you or your relationship.
    Taking a step back also let’s you do something else: It gives you a chance to observe him and if his withdrawing is more a pattern of his own rather than a reaction to something specific in your relationship. There are two ways a man can withdraw. I call them “annoying withdrawal” nd “dysfunctional withdrawal”. Annoying withdrawal is when a man pulls back into himself and his own mind for a few minutes or hours and takes space for himself. Sure, he might shut down his feelings and communication, but he doesn’t do this for long. He is also able to come out of it and ultimately communicate and allow space for your feelings once he’s out of it.
    On the other hand, dysfunctional withdrawal does not allow for your feelings. It usually lasts longer and is more isolating and intense. It repeats frequently in response even to seemingly little stresses or things a man isn’t capable of handling emotionally, and it does not ultimately allow for the exchange and communication that a real relationship requires.
    Once you get the first two steps I shared above, there’s a simple way to permanently avoid the kind of withdrawal that makes you feel less appreciated or understood by a man. Here’s something nteresting about how men work that you probably never thought of. A man falls more DEEPLY in love with you because of the way you handle the important moments in your relationship – in ways other women can’t and don’t

  237.  #237malaikah on March 11, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Darling Ella 221: Haha if only! Care to make me a certificate for me? 😉
    Slowly but surely getting there… I feel so much more content and happy with life now, and I sincerely believe that a lot of that has to do with Rori’s advice and blog =)
    Wishing all you sirens a wonderful day! xxx

  238.  #238Lilybelle on March 11, 2011 at 8:17 am

    241: DE

    I agree. I believe men have gotten used to women leaning forward and expect it now. When we don’t, I often think they feel we aren’t interested in them.

    It is difficult not to lean forward, especially if you are particularily interested in one (Me = Gentle Man) more than the others. But, I am not leaning forward at all. This is experimenting for me, big time. And it’s also letting go of the old thoughts that I have to “DO” something for a man to be interested in me.

    I am still so very new at this whole concept of not doing. I am pretty good at leaning back, started that a while ago. And, when they do initiate contact, I feel more sure that they are interested because they ARE interested, not because I tried to make it happen.

    I’m rambling here but it’s helping me.

  239.  #239Prairie Girl on March 11, 2011 at 8:17 am

    240: Senior Lady Vibe says:

    SLV lol…that is true…very on topic huh?

    You’re right about the plans after, I will make a point…

    I saw you mention the Sade song on the last post when I was so behind on reading and it felt really good to know I’d gotten to give you something… You give so much on here….

    I went and played it then (I bought it) and it really just kind of made me sad… It came on in the rotation on my Ipod at the gym earlier this week too and made me sad then too.. Made me think of LMCB…and feel like no one would ever feel that way about me, or appreciate fully me feeling that way about them…

    See…I am just a downer today..lol

    upside… I got one last play practice for the week, tonight and my character is such a floozy and a ditz she is so fun to do/be… I’ve never done a play before… maybe in HS but I can’t remember.. it’s way fun…

    So I’m aiming for all the good… thinking of the good… but today is a slippery slope…

    Chaps called but I asked him to call back in an hr when kids are gone… I’m thinking of saying that i feel uncomfortable with the stuff I feel uncomfortable with but that I would still be willing to go have lunch…


  240.  #240Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 8:18 am

    Good morning Sirens! 🙂

    PG- awwww…i can feel your disappointment and rawness…..i agree the CDing thing can feel like just another thing “to do”…my mom says i have a full time job with it lol….she’s amazed at the whole process i’ve been doing

    please don’t give up…but yes there does seem to be a pattern..maybe it’s a message about boundaries?? i don’t know…i don’t like to give too much advice here on the blog but it’s nice to hear different views too 🙂

    i learned of Rori exactly a year ago! and i would have expected to find my “one” already BUT…i have grown sooooo much..i feel really happy..i know i will be happier in my happily everafter relationship…

    i’m glad you are here 🙂

  241.  #241malaikah on March 11, 2011 at 8:18 am

    Oooh, I have one more question: how can we select our own pictures as our avatars on this site? I’ve seen many of you with lovely pictures, and I can’t seem to put one up for myself… :S

  242.  #242Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 8:25 am

    DE @241 that feels yucky to read that he thought you would text him later thanking him for the 100$ dinner ;(

    sounds like you are being the goddess you are and leaning back! 🙂 yay…that’s when you say…NEXT 🙂

    i wouldn’t worry about Mr C…he texted you the next morning…that’s a good sign 🙂 remember you’re the PIE!! 🙂

  243.  #243Darling Ella on March 11, 2011 at 8:29 am


    Thank you for u feedback and validation …:)

    I feel comfort with leaning back these days and not being tempted to contact anybody…thanks to my imaginary relationship to J…:)

    I am now connecting with my own truth and comfort level…as a Rockstar I can do anything…yet, am I one yet? Not really…initiating a contact is somehow attached to an expectation and i fear rejection…:(

    Warm hugs,

  244.  #244Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 8:29 am

    RE 241 DE I would have text him back to say “that feels weird but I understand your expectations because I have them sometimes and am mostly disappointed because people don’t always do what I want them to do because they can’t read my mind.”

  245.  #245Darling Ella on March 11, 2011 at 8:30 am

    Jilly #249:

    Oh, so sweet of u 🙂 It feels good to read u encouragement 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  246.  #246Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 8:31 am

    Malaikah…ditto with what you said!!

    “I feel so much more content and happy with life now, and I sincerely believe that a lot of that has to do with Rori’s advice and blog =)”

    i believe i am so much happier and content due to Rori’s Tools and Teachings and the Blog…i can’t even explain it…i feel so much appreciation right now!!!

  247.  #247Mel on March 11, 2011 at 8:33 am

    Re: 243

    Thanks for that! So what if your man is more of the dysfunctional withdrawer type? I’m learning not to ask him what’s wrong or get him to talk when he’s in a funk, but it’s hard not to take it personally when it seems to be his pattern of reaction to seemingly minor things.

    What is the best way to deal with this type of pattern?

  248.  #248Ladybird on March 11, 2011 at 8:33 am

    Mel, glad to hear you have made a start on leaning back! I’m learning all this myself but think it will take time……
    On the Christian Carter CD I have, he says that you really need to lean back and let go. If you are leaning back but still thinking/worrying about him and the situation, he will still feel that vibe and pressure. So, the thing is to ensure your bucket is FULL by focusing on you and then the vibe will shift from him to you and that’s when he has the space he needs.
    When men rubber band, they do spring back and to remind me of this I used to wear a rubber band as a bracelet and when I wanted to lean forward I pinged myself with the rubber band!! The more you focus on you, the better!
    A friend came to stay with me a few weeks ago for a weekend and when she returned home her husband was all over her as he missed her so much and bought her flowers. So, a little bit of distance can help. Can you arrange a night out with friends or go away for a night or two?
    Hang in there you’re making progress and I don’t know if you saw on the previous post that I loaned your oars to a man who needed them. xx

  249.  #249Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 8:36 am

    i still have a hard time receiving on dates that cost a lot of money…like skiing…i have gone on 3 ski dates and a ticket is about 70$ each plus food plus the men come pick me up from my house…that’s a lot of money and inside i cringe a little but then i think…hey…I am ALL THAT or the PIE and just feel happy inside and just GO WITH IT…yay 🙂 baby steps

  250.  #250Darling Ella on March 11, 2011 at 8:39 am

    FW #251:

    Thank you, yes I agree. I sent him something similar that day…He called several times, I didn’t answer because I was not ready to talk to him…I felt too turned off 🙁

    Warm hugs,

  251.  #251Mel on March 11, 2011 at 8:43 am

    Thanks Ladybird!

    Actually last week I went away for a few days to visit a friend. He seemed a little more “present” when I returned, but sex & intimacy is still absent. I’ve stopped initiating because it hurts too much. Cuddles are back though, so maybe he’s just taking his time….

  252.  #252Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 8:44 am

    yesterday i was studying for a test i have this weekend and hotpilot guy (he’s moving up quickly to #1 CD lol) i know we are supposed to treat them the same…but…i cant help it…lol…pipeliner is longdistance so what’s a girl to do??? 😉

    anywho…so I was studying and hotpilot called me from his “overnight” location and we were just joking and laughing and he said…

    HIM: well…sorry to interrupt your studying..
    ME: oh it’s ok…i feel happy talking to you
    HIM: pause…ok that’s good

    i could actually feel the instant connection!! being open and expressing…he couldn’t help but be drawn in!!! and then again he mentioned getting together on Monday…he’s totally stepping up 🙂

  253.  #253Boomer on March 11, 2011 at 8:44 am

    87: Alonka – I’m not sure why you do not give out your number. If it’s safety, consider getting an alias phone number through Google Voice. It takes calls and directs them to whatever number you tell it to, and you can feel safe that you are not giving out your private home or mobile phone number to someone you might not trust just yet. It can even send you texts of voicemails you’ve received to alert you if you could not answer. The text translations are often humorous though depending on how clearly the person talks leaving the voicemail. It’s been a cool tool I use for men I’m just not sure about…and it’s free!

    That way, you can be lean back and they can call you…and there will be less of that wondering if you called at the wrong time or should not have called…etc.

  254.  #254Darling Ella on March 11, 2011 at 8:45 am

    Jilly #256:

    Wow, I admire your progress 🙂

    I want to tap and heal on feeling bad as in owing a man anything besides thanks for treating me well or giving me something…

    Truth is, CD is the way to really practice that…I feel glad that my mood to go out on dates has gone up 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  255.  #255Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 8:47 am

    @229: Darling Ella

    You might also like to hear the original artist. I was never a Sam Cooke fan but it’s a powerful song from the 1960’s and the lyrics are of that time.

    Sam Cooke – “A Change Is Gonna Come”


  256.  #256ConfuzzledCookie on March 11, 2011 at 8:49 am


    That is some very valuable information about Google Voice! Thank you for sharing that!!

    Much love

  257.  #257Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 8:51 am


    yes…focus on you as much as possible..i’m glad ladybird loaned your oars out 😉
    do you have RECONNECT? this is a great program..seems relevant?

  258.  #258Ladybird on March 11, 2011 at 8:52 am

    Jilly, you are smokin’ hot girl!! Once I start CDing, I’ll be back for some tips! I’m happy to hear things are going well for you.

    Mel, is your husband happy at work? I think you said he changed jobs? Sometimes when guys get stressed at work it takes a toll on the home life. I know after a stressful day my ex used to just want to sit on the sofa and zone out with a beer. CC also mentions that on his CD, that if they need the space after a day at work, we need to give it to them as fussing over them, pushes them away. We have all been guilty of that so you are not alone.xx

  259.  #259Mel on March 11, 2011 at 8:52 am

    ” If you are leaning back but still thinking/worrying about him and the situation, he will still feel that vibe and pressure.”

    THAT is the hard part!! I like your idea of wearing a rubber band….

  260.  #260Mel on March 11, 2011 at 8:56 am

    He likes his job, but it is stressful. He works late a lot and often a day on the weekend. I try to give him some “zone-out” time, but I need some time with him too! He’d be content to be a zombie in front of his computer all night and then I’m left feeling alone even when he IS around. While I get the need to unwind, sometimes I think he’s being a little selfish… but that’s just me venting!

  261.  #261Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 8:57 am

    DE @261 thank you! 🙂

    yes…CDing has worked wonders for me…even though it does feel like a job sometimes lol

    but it’s ok… cause now i don’t go on dates hoping to find “the one” or anything like that…i just go expecting to have fun 🙂

    i feel happy reading that your mood to go out on dates has gone up! 🙂

  262.  #262Ladybird on March 11, 2011 at 8:58 am

    Sister Sirens, my Modern Siren CDs arrived today so guess I have ‘homework’ to do this weekend.

    Kind of psyched about it as hoping to try out some tools when I’m doing a race on Sunday (plenty of fit men around I hope) and going into the office twice next week so plenty of professional men around at my convenience.

    Have learned so much from all of you too so approaching my interaction with men in a totally new way from now on!

  263.  #263Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 9:00 am

    RE 256 Jilly I would reinforce “I am worthy” if I were you, and look at my beliefs around money. It is just trees made into paper so it does fall off trees. My dad gave up taking my mother out years ago because she used to complain saying “it is too expensive”. She later wished she had not done it. If you don’t think you are worth it, why would they.

  264.  #264Alonka on March 11, 2011 at 9:01 am


    That’s good you remember him and keeping your focus on you:) Your date sounds like a great exercise!

    I think they often make you feel like ‘you can do nothing wrong’ on the first 1-2 dates. or longer. They’re just plain happy you said yes to a date. And then they start picking up on the vibe. Sounds like you were doing really well in that respect too.

  265.  #265Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 9:04 am

    Ladybird…awwww thanks!! 🙂 i felt so happy reading #265

    are you new to the blog? 🙂

  266.  #266Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 9:05 am

    @246: Prairie Girl says:
    “…I’m thinking of saying that i feel uncomfortable with the stuff I feel uncomfortable with but that I would still be willing to go have lunch…”

    I learn a lot from you guys, er uh, sirens. Lots. All the while only having to cry over my own stuff.

    Well…IMHO, if I was so uncomfortable that I didn’t want to meet him, I’d say so and not meet him. BUT, big but, if I did want to meet him (hey, why not? you never know…) I wouldn’t go into blaming mode and cast a pall on an upcoming date; I’d express whatever genuine pleasure I felt.

    I’d meet the guy, get to know him and THEN express any other stuff if it was important at that time…maybe it won’t be. The guy had a life before he found you on the dating site… so let’s see what’s happening with you and him in the present.

    Seems you are also having a fab time “Me Dee-ing” too. The play sounds like fun, fun, fun.

    Hmmm, will there be cherry pie for lunch? 😀


  267.  #267Boomer on March 11, 2011 at 9:06 am

    More on Google Voice:

    “Welcome to Google Voice. Google Voice gives you a single phone number that rings all of your phones, saves your voicemail online, and transcribes your voicemail to text. Other cool features include the ability to listen in on messages while they’re being left, block unwanted callers, and make cheap international calls. We hope you enjoy using Google Voice.”

    As I review my Inbox of old messages, I see that you can get text messages there also. I’m going to start using this more often!!!


  268.  #268Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 9:09 am

    yay!! ladybird…i love modern siren especially DVD#1 and DVD#4….totally awesome 🙂 good luck on your race!!

    FW: YES YES YES…i definitely have issues with men and money…started from my dad!! and i know this…if my dad spent money on me i felt i owed him something or i was in debt somehow even if we just went out to eat or he took me somewhere…

    and i feel a blockage on how much money i can make too..

    the men in my life have been transforming though and i’d like to share 🙂

  269.  #269Boomer on March 11, 2011 at 9:09 am

    Prairie Girl! Hi! I miss you! Say hi to me!!!

    How goes it with the Cowboy with the Cowboy??? Any other news????

  270.  #270Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 9:15 am

    @256: Jilly says:

    In my case, “I am ALL THAT plus THE PIE”… 😀


  271.  #271Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 9:16 am

    k…so i didn’t really realize i had money issues with men until i was 24…i started dating a guy who was 35 and i just assumed he would pay for our dates and things like that…

    well he had been in a relationship previously where everything was 50/50…so i was in for a big surprise!! we ended up dating for 3 years and i learned A LOT about what i want and don’t want!! and what i don’t need to feel guilty about!! 🙂

    since then the men have evolved to paying for my gas if i come see them…paying for all the dates…sending me flowers…and it just gets better and better…

    now i have men offering to fly me places!!???? oh my goodness!!! even my dad!!! my dad called in December and offered to buy my plane ticket to hawaii if i wanted to go….i was like…ARE YOU SERIOUS??? IS THIS REALLY MY DAD???

    so there is definitely some shifting going on

    thanks FW for bringing that to my attention again!! 🙂

  272.  #272Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 9:19 am

    @260: Boomer says:

    …87: Alonka – I’m not sure why you do not give out your number. If it’s safety, consider getting an alias phone number through Google Voice…”

    Excellent idea! Perfect for CD! I learn something new every day.

    Thanks, Boomer.


  273.  #273Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 9:22 am

    SLV… i love it! @277!

    and i agree..at this point if i didn’t want to go meet a guy…i wouldn’t force myself.

    “Well…IMHO, if I was so uncomfortable that I didn’t want to meet him, I’d say so and not meet him. BUT, big but, if I did want to meet him (hey, why not? you never know…) I wouldn’t go into blaming mode and cast a pall on an upcoming date; I’d express whatever genuine pleasure I felt.”

  274.  #274Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 9:23 am

    Lilybelle I thought of you when I read this. It is from another coach.

    So when a man starts courting you; when he brings you flowers; when he takes you out to dinner, picks you up and pays for the drinks, he is doing so because he is acting based on the physical attraction.

    It is a typical courtship process also existing in the entire animal world.

    The trick is that a male who is courting a female based on purely physical motivators is not necessarily interested in building a nest with her.

    This is where the second part of the attraction – the emotional attraction comes to play.

    A man must find you interesting beyond the physical attraction in order for him to want to have a relationship with you!

    When you channel the physical attraction a man has for you to create the emotional attraction on the foundation of the physical attraction, this is where you become the subject of a man’s emotional attraction.

    The emotional attraction makes a man want to spend time with you.

  275.  #275Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 9:23 am

    Alonka…did you send a message to craig yet? if so what did you say? i feel curious 🙂

  276.  #276Sweetpea on March 11, 2011 at 9:24 am


    All I can say is…”WOW!” There is so much to this that I can’t quite wrap my brain around it all at once. I have a feeling I’ll be journalin & thinking on this for some time to come to terms with all the connotations. I remember being such a happy, ebullient, bubbly little girl. I’m not sure what happened other than my Mom becoming very religious, but I stifled that part of me l became more staid, quiet & reserved. Once my Mom found religion, she went a little overboard (in my opinion) and felt even more stifled and restricted. I remember the only way I could keep from completely rebelling and driving myself and my parents insane, was to tell myself, “you just have to go along with this until you’re 18.”

    I feel horrible saying that I never felt like I could be myself until my Mom passed away (ironically, when I was 18). My Dad had moved out of state by then and I felt like I was finally free to LIVE. Except, I had always thought I would marry and have a bunch of kids – my dream. And when I lost my Mom, I gave up on that dream. I told myself there was no point in it getting married since my Mom wouldn’t be there to hekp me plan and share in the wedding. And as for kids, what’s the point if grandma couldn’t babysit? It was a very dark time for me, yet I felt like I was finally free to be that ebullient, bubbly, carefree, happy person again.

    There’s alot more to it and much that I haven’t explored yet. Everytime I read your interpretation, I see more. When I split with my ex-fiance, it was another dark time for me – lots of stress, bills I couldn’t pay, etc. And I feel like once again, the happy, carefree girl was stifled. But I’ve been bringing her back with the help of Rori and all of you Sirens, and just really getting to know myself again and realizing that my life didn’t end. I feel like I’m getting ME and my life back again!

    So as you can see, what you say, is all very pertinent. Thnk you or helping me to see this beautiful truth. Love and hugs! Thank you so much!

  277.  #277Carolinagrl on March 11, 2011 at 9:24 am

    Hi ladies!
    I have been reading Rori’s emails and coming to this blog for a while but this is the first time I have decided to post something.
    I have the ebook (as well as Christian Carter’s) and am working through it, then I will decide which of her programs I need.
    I am 37, single mom to two teenage boys. I divorced because my husband cheated on me. (It wasn’t the first time, but I had enough and made sure it was the last!) Well, you can imagine what my self esteem is like. Not to mention he was controlling and manipulative (all things I really opened my eyes to AFTER we separated). Anyway, I didn’t really date for a while. I went out with guys and ultimately most of them turned into sexual encounters and I became the “booty call” or go to girl. My mind was a mess back then and eventually I came to my senses and just decided to stay alone for a while. During that time, I went out with the girls one night and ran into a guy I went to high school with. I wasn’t really sure about him but went out with him anyway after he called or texted me every day for a month asking. This relationship ended up lasting a year. Of course the whole time I am having doubts. I tossed them aside thinking I was letting my past undermine my future. Soon, it became clear this wasn’t going to work. We broke up, I went nuts again, all the negative thoughts came rushing back .. I am not worthy, will be single forever, nobody wants me, blah blah blah. Fast forward, 6 months later, I am back on track. Signed up on match.com, met a few guys off there. Most of them we went on one date and I never heard back from. Again, my thoughts were what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get a guy? Then I met a guy we will call Tim. We corresponded a few times over email and it was great. We exchanged witty humorous emails and I was really “in like” with him. We have a lot in common, so much it was unbelievable. I finally met him one night for coffee. The connection was unbelievable! I really felt comfortable with him, like we had known each other our whole lives! Played it cool though and ended the date. This was a weeknight and he asked was I free that weekend. I told him Friday but not Saturday (see I knew this before I found Rori LOL). So we went out again. Anyway, after a few dates, I was really liking him. He said he felt the same way. Like there was a connection. Often times we would be thinking the exact same thing. 6 weeks into it, we made it sexual. I was proud of myself for waiting and thought the fact he did meant something. After that, all of a sudden, things changed. The contact slowed down, no more witty email exchanges, no texts, etc. Now we would still meet for dinner during the week sometimes and I went over to his place a couple times and we had sex. When Tim knows I am coming the next day, he is excited and seems like he can’t wait. When we are together it is awesome. He is attentive and excited and makes me feel wanted. It is just the in between moments. I hardly hear from him. He says he is busy with work. He runs his own business and has to go out of town a lot. When I was there a couple weeks ago, he said the out of town stuff was over and he would have “our” weekends free for a while. (Our weekends being the weekends neither of us has our kids). So this weekend should be the next “our weekend”.
    Getty antsy about how the contact has lowered, I started getting worried and wanted to have a talk with him. So after not hearing from him all weekend, I sent him a text Monday morning, saying I hoped he had a good weekend. He text back saying it was busy with kids, etc..so I replied, if you have a free night this week, can we get together to talk?. He responds that he would love to but he has to go out of state, was on his way and wouldn’t be back until Sunday night. This floored me, because 1. He told me the out of town stuff was over for a while and 2. he didn’t even mention to me and 3. when was he planning on seeing me? So I got mad and sent a text saying never mind, you just gave me the answers I need. He said he was confused and asked was everything ok. I replied that I didn’t want to get into it over text but had no choice. Then told him (using feeling messages, have gotten that far in the ebook!) I feel like you are either too busy for me or just not interested like you were or maybe a combo of both. This just seems too casual for me. His response was yes we definitely need to talk about this in person , maybe over lunch monday or tuesday. I said we’ll see, just let me know when you aren’t busy. I haven’t heard from him since. Not a peep all week, not even a text. So now my mind is going all sorts of ways, but I am trying to stay strong and NOT TEXT OR CALL OR EMAIL him.
    So any advice would be welcome. Also I have some questions on my mind .. feel free to pitch in your thoughts.
    1. Do you think he is seeing somebody else? I really do feel like the ‘other woman’ sometimes.
    2. Did I screw up by sending that text?
    3. Should I respond if he does text me back? ANd if so, how long should I wait?

    Like I said, I am still reading the ebook and will order a program when I figure out which is best for me.
    PS…sorry this is so long…lots on my mind I needed to get out!!

  278.  #278Ladybird on March 11, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Jilly, yes I’m a newbie, joined last week after finishing a relationship with a man who just didn’t step up. I got Rori’s eBook and used feeling messages etc but after reading so much stuff on here just felt he wasn’t the man for me, so I let go and feel it was the right decision.

    Mel, have you read the other posts on here? There are so many of them and in the last few weeks I read through stuff that related to my situation so hope you can find previous info that can help you.

  279.  #279Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 9:26 am

    for some reason i don’t feel worried giving out my phone numer…

  280.  #280Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 9:26 am

    “number” 🙂

  281.  #281Lilybelle on March 11, 2011 at 9:28 am


    I find this interesting and wonder how one does that, particularily when they come on so strong physically….

    “When you channel the physical attraction a man has for you to create the emotional attraction on the foundation of the physical attraction, this is where you become the subject of a man’s emotional attraction”

  282.  #282Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 9:30 am

    @280: Jilly says:
    SLV… i love it! @277!
    “…and i agree..at this point if i didn’t want to go meet a guy…i wouldn’t force myself…”

    I’d go unless I was repulsed. But if I went, I would go with the mindset of giving the guy a chance not making him sorry he’d asked me.


  283.  #283ConfuzzledCookie on March 11, 2011 at 9:33 am


    It was definitely good practice. I was so iffy and felt weird about CD’ing but now I’m really intrigued.

    I first started my endeavors on the dating sites I tried out in January. I guess my intuition knew K was a piece of toxic trash. I talked to A for the first time in the end of Jan, he initiated. We talked online in spurts, quite a bit on and then off for a while. The first time he asked me to meet up I turned him down because I was so mentally and emotionally drained from K hurting me. We were talking quite a bit the past few days with my new mindset being much help. I was wondering, waiting when he’d try to ask again, and I let him do it all on his own. 🙂

    I feel like you’re right… Seemed to be the case with P. Ha, I feel another song coming on… It’s a good one.

    Where to keep the focus??
    Me me me me

    How is your online dating going??

  284.  #284Mel on March 11, 2011 at 9:34 am

    Yes, I’m definitely learning a lot from other posters and trying to apply things that “fit.” It’s a big help to have the feeling that I’m not alone, weird or stupid for going through this! 🙂

  285.  #285Ladybird on March 11, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Carolinagirl, you’ve come to the right place for support.

    What makes you think he may be seeing someone else? But be careful of thinking this as we women are guilty of jumping to this idea if our man is not paying US attention.

    You’ve sent the text so you can’t change that now but I would respond once he gets in touch.

    But in the meantime, to keep yourself sane, please focus on yourself and shift the vibe of thinking/worrying about the situation and him to taking care of you! xx

  286.  #286Sweetpea on March 11, 2011 at 9:49 am


    I know this is way far down in the post, and I haven’t read all the other responses yet, but I have to tell you my experience around this stuff. I was not all that attracted to my ex-fiance. And I told myself it was because he’s a “nice guy” and I have commitment-phobia, so I stuck with it. When he asked me, after 2 1/2 years, what size ring I wear, I started hyper-ventilating. We were walking and I had to stop. I thought I would pass out. I continued in the belief that I was resisyant because of commitment-phobia. One of my friends told me that my reaction was a sign that he wasn’t “the one.” Yet I stayed with him (with no wedding plans) for another 2 1/2 years. He ended up having a long-term fling with a girl he worked with – while we were still engaged and living together – and I suspect the litttle girl she has is his. Although he’s married now and has a baby, I know he was still talking to the “other woman” for years afterward. So yeah, he was a nice guy, maybe. But I’m not sure he can be faithful to one woman and that’s just not my cup of tea.

    About 6 months later I met another “nice” guy I didn’t feel it for. But he treated me really well, so I told myself again – it’s the commitment-phobia. I ended up feeling completely smothered by him and told him after a few months that I wanted to take a break from the relationship. I’m not going to go into detail here, because I don’t think it’s necessary. Suffice it to say, one of my guy friends – who was a strapping 6’4″ ex-bounty hunter later told me that he had gone to the ex and told him to back off. That’s when he finally left me alone.

    So I don’t want to negate what Rori is saying here, I know lots of us aren’t into “nice guys.” But I’m going with, “listen to your instincts” on this one. Try to not worry about what your hang ups might be around nice guys and go to your deeper feelings around this guy. Keep logic out of it and go with your feelings.

  287.  #287Brenda on March 11, 2011 at 9:52 am

    Subject: Wasp Spray

    I know some of you own GUNS but this is something to think about…—

    If you don’t have a gun, here’s a more humane way to wreck someone’s evil plans for you. Did you know this? I didn’t. I never really thought of it before. I guess I can get rid of the baseball bat.

    Wasp Spray- A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead.

    The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn’t attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection. Thought this was interesting and might be of use.

    On the heels of a break in and beating that left an elderly woman in Toledo dead, self defense experts have a tip that could save your life.

    Val Glinka teaches self-defense to students at Sylvania Southview High School . For decades, he’s suggested putting a can of wasp and hornet spray near your door or bed.

    Glinka says, “This is better than anything I can teach them.”

    Glinka considers it inexpensive, easy to find, and more effective than mace or pepper spray. The cans typically shoot 20 to 30 feet; so if someone tries to break into your home, Glinka says “spray the culprit in the eyes”. It’s a tip he’s given to students for decades.

    It’s also one he wants everyone to hear. If you’re looking for protection, Glinka says look to the spray. “That’s going to give you a chance to call the police; maybe get out.” Maybe even save a life.

    Please share this with all the people who are precious to your life.

  288.  #288Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Jilly read this from another coach.
    Featured Topic: An Unequal Relationship

    The idea of a relationship being based on equality is often puzzling and frustrating to men. Men think of equals as individuals or entities that they compete against. In this regard, a woman is correct to want to be treated as an equal in the workforce. But in a relationship, men don’t need or want to complete with a woman (after all, they have their career, sports and guy friends for that).

    These facts leave us with this assessment – what men don’t get from all their pursuits and accomplishments is someone that can awaken their feelings. They don’t want an equal. They want someone who is a complement. A complementary relationships is defined as having two separate and different partners that enhance each other.

    Here’s an example that I hear often. Women frequently ask me, “Should I pay for dinner since he pays so often?” What they are implying is that it doesn’t seem fair that he has to pay all the time. Yet, men don’t care about what is fair as much as you think. What the man paying for dinner is really concerned about is this: Will this make her happy? Does she seem to be having a good time?

    The thought of “when’s she gonna pay?” doesn’t even enter his mind. He’s not concerned with fair. He only wants to impress her. If he does impress her then he’ll say to himself, “Yep, I’m the man. She’s having a great time because I am a stud.” Yes, guys really do think like that.

    In fact, in a wonderful relationship, a woman should feel somewhat indebted to a man. Yes, that means that he should be giving more than she does. If you’re uncomfortable with that arraignment, then you can opt for the equal relationship. The only problem is that it’s terribly boring. It is sort of like going to a high school dance with your cousin – safe but not very appealing. A passionate relationship means you allow him to be a man and you are the woman. It’s not subservient. In fact, it’s quite empowering for a woman.

  289.  #289Ladybird on March 11, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Mel, you are not alone, stupid, weird for feeling like this. I thought I was the only crazy chick out there going outta my mind trying to figure my man out ’till I found this site.
    Some of the other posts highlighted the issues in my relationship that made me realise I had to end it. Luckily it was a long distance relationship so I hadn’t invested too much 1:1 time and don’t have to see him everyday!
    Your situation is very different but sure you will find the tools on here to reconnect with your hubby. xx

  290.  #290Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 10:00 am

    @294: Brenda says:
    “Subject: Wasp Spray”

    Where do I get this? Home Depot?


  291.  #291Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 10:04 am

    I love this.

    And here’s the best part: When you’re happy – and your happiness is NOT contingent upon someone having to change to make you happy – you instantly become a more desirable person to your husband.

    Do you know why?

    It’s because a husband is instinctively attracted to a wife who is happy with herself. It conveys to him the idea that she likes herself. She radiates confidence, and that is extremely attractive to him. It makes him feel safe enough to give to her – without fearing that she will become needy, clingy or demanding. It takes the pressure off him because she doesn’t hold him responsible for her happiness, but is happy in and of herself. It also conveys to a husband that she is easily pleased, and motivates him to please her.

  292.  #292Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Bob Grant

    To be able to understand what a husband truly wants from his wife, we need to identify his primary need – and that is the need for POWER. Men crave power above all things. Power is critical to a man because it defines not only how others view him, but how he views himself. He derives power through his accomplishments, his persuasiveness, his ability to get things done – and through the wife he is married to.

    You become the woman of his dreams in his eyes to the extent that you make him feel POWERFUL. The need for power goes hand-in-hand with the need for RESPECT.

    There are things wives do that either make their husbands feel powerful, strong and respected – and things they do that make their husbands feel disempowered, weak and impotent.

    When you take pride in your appearance, you raise his self-esteem and make him feel powerful because he considers you a reflection of himself. No, it’s not just a question of simply putting on more makeup or losing weight but being comfortable and confident in your own skin.

    Your husband is dependent upon how YOU view yourself. If you don’t think you’re beautiful or adorable, then he isn’t likely to think so either. Neither can he show any more passion for you than you believe you deserve.
    When you neglect your appearance, you hurt your husband because one of the things that makes him feel powerful is knowing that he married an “expensive” wife. By “expensive” wife, I don’t mean someone who spends a lot of money, but rather someone who regards herself as someone of great value.

    When you take the time and effort to prioritize the things that bring YOU joy, you elevate your attractiveness and desirability to your husband because it conveys to him that you place a high value on yourself. Conversely, if you can’t connect with your inner joy, you’re not going to regard yourself highly, or even consider yourself beautiful. Even if your husband tells you all day long that you’re pretty, it won’t help much because at your deepest core, you’re not going to believe him.

    This, then, disempowers him and he’s NOT likely to see you as the woman of his dreams.

    So why should you CARE that your husband see you as the woman of his dreams? Because when he does, he will treat you like his most prized object of desire – worthy of his adoration, devotion and loyalty – and motivate him to give you everything you ask of him.

  293.  #293Carolinagrl on March 11, 2011 at 10:08 am

    Thanks! I knew I had found a good place. I have been reading over the posts and it is really nice to know I am not alone!
    I just sometimes feel that he is not really working, just seems weird to me that somebody can be so busy they can’t even send a text?? But of course I have been lied to and done wrong so much, it’s hard to trust anybody. You are right though, we do assume this when we aren’t getting paid attention. Also, a part of me thinks not to worry about it. I know I need to circular date-that is one thing about this I have a problem with, but the one thing I believe would help if that makes any sense-so that it doesn’t bother me so much if he is. It’s just that we had the talk before we had sex that once that happens, we wouldn’t see anybody else. I believe in monogamy and feel that dating somebody else would be unfair because I know it can’t go anywhere as long as I am having sex with Tim.
    The thing about me sending the text is I wonder if I seemed desperate/needy. I have tried so hard this time to not come off that way.
    I am really really trying to not think about it and worry about me. This weekend I have no kids and it is going to be a quiet night tonight so I do not know what will happen. I have plans tomorrow night, but tonight I just hope I can throw myself into cleaning or something to keep my mind off of it!

  294.  #294Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 10:10 am

    Given a choice, would you prefer a man who is moody, or a man who is boring? I agree, “Neither” would be the best answer. But, what would you consider to be the “lesser of two evils,” so to speak?

    Whenever a woman selects a man, he will usually fall into dual categories. He is predominantly dependable (emotionally), and at times boring, or he is predominantly emotionally exciting, which means at times he will also be prone to bouts of moodiness. What I have found in my experience with a number of women I have counseled (both past and presently) is that those that date a man who is exciting and full of passion, tend to end up discouraged and upset when that same man eventually appears to loose interest in them. I frequently hear from these women some form of the same basic script… “What happened to the man who was full of passion? I want that man back. This man is so distant and moody. Why can’t things be the way they were?” Those of you that have experienced this know exactly what I am referring to.

    My response is – “he is BOTH of those men.” Rare, and I mean rare, is the man who is full of passion, and does not also experience periods of moodiness. In addition, I didn’t mention this, the man who is moody can sometimes be mean and indifferent. Having a man feel intensely about you and then act indifferent toward you for no reason can be devastating.

    The good news is that it doesn’t matter which type you pick, because you date and even marry either type. The one mistake you cannot make is to date and/or marry a moody man and they just expect him to become steady.He won’t change any more than the color of your car will change color just by getting older. Passionate men can be tamed by a woman who knows the secrets of putting her heart first. For those women understand that what a man needs is often different than what he says he needs.

  295.  #295Mel on March 11, 2011 at 10:10 am

    It’s funny because no one really talks about the fact that sometimes it is the man that’s not into sex and has a “headache.” Men are “supposed” to want it all the time. So I think “is there something wrong with me?”

    No one told me that being too helpful is a turn off. When we see our men stressed out and withdrawing, we think… maybe if i just did a little more for him, he wouldn’t be so stressed and he’d have more energy for the relationship… But it just makes them feel smothered and apathetic. Why should they put in any effort if we’re doing it all?!

    I’m learning a lot but having to completely shift my way of thinking. It’s hard to break old habits. Doing things for myself makes me feel a little selfish. Standing up for myself and my boundaries is hard when I’m used to always making things better and keeping the peace.

    I had no idea men were so complicated! Sometimes this feels a bit like a game… but maybe it’s just because it’s new to me.

  296.  #296Ladybird on March 11, 2011 at 10:13 am

    SLV: you are hilarious!!

  297.  #297Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 10:14 am

    I have heard this advice over and over again.

    Treat every guy the same.

    Be nice to the ugly guy and the overweight one. Listen to the one who you think is boring and
    bald. Oh I know, he might just ask you out, but that is a problem you want to have. You see there is
    no magic formula for only attracting the man you want. There is only the magic that attracts men.
    Those you want and those you don’t. You’ll end up turning down most of these invitations but
    something inside of you will begin to change.

    Practice treating all men the same, and I promise that the man/men you like will notice that you
    seem to have a content beauty that makes you stand out across a crowded room, even if you’re just
    wearing flip flops with your hair in a ponytail.

  298.  #298Boomer on March 11, 2011 at 10:17 am

    293 Sweetpea 🙂 Thanks for the insight and for sharing your story. I think the general consensus here seems to be “trust my gut,” circular date like a madwoman, and don’t be so hard on myself for not taking to this “nice guy.”

    He has actually backed off a bit–I am scheduled tightly right now with children and work–and has not called or texted in about 24 hours.

    My intuition is usually VERY good. My past issues have to do with not listening to my intuition when it was loud and clear. I suspect I will continue to “keep him in the rotation,” and not make any huge pronouncements about my intentions unless or until I feel firmly that he needs to go.

  299.  #299tinque on March 11, 2011 at 10:18 am

    Ella – I apologize for taking so long to get back here, but I’m moving again, and I was gone all day yesterday. We drove almost four hours in horrendous weather to go to hear beautiful music. Heaven.

    I was just skimming while taking a moving break and saw your question.

    “you said skincare is a sideline now. What is your main career or activity? ”

    I don’t mind answering at all. I coach women much like Rori does. Our styles are different but our theories are much the same though I tend to emphasize the mind/body stuff more, and I specialize in sexuality as it relates to the heart though I coach sex stuff directly too.

    And I write A LOT. Mostly for my site but also for others as a ghost writer.

  300.  #300Ladybird on March 11, 2011 at 10:21 am

    Carolinagrl: I can understand completely where you are coming from. Now to get through this weekend, here is my advise cos I have been there. Plan lots of nice things you like to do/go. Pamper yourself, take a bubble bath, file and paint your nails, try to meet up with friends as other people are a great distraction. Come on here and chat as others will have plenty of good avise and help make you feel strong through this. Have a CAROLINAGRL weekend and shift the vibe. I also find music so helpful, stuff that uplifts me.
    I used to feel the same about my ex, what does it take to send a tex/make a call but that’s his business and if he wants to he will in his own time. Don’t try to analyse it, just make a pact with yourself to focus on you cos you’re worth it!!

  301.  #301Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 10:23 am

    lilybelle I understand words can build the emotional attraction and sexual tension. I also understand that the brain is the most sexual organ. People tend not to want to talk about sex but I understand that guys find women who do very attractive. I have talked about it related to my health and wanting to make sure I am not sharing sexual stuff with a lot of other people. I want to know the guy shares my values around sex. If he is pushing for it he should be willing to talk about how it works for him. How long he is willing to wait, how he is willing to show me my emotions are safe with him before I give in to that.

    Link the physical with the emotional in playful banter as in “I like to be on top”. Use words to get him thinking about you and him in bedroom. Some coaches refer to it as seducing his mind. Will search to see if I have anything.

  302.  #302Ladybird on March 11, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Mel, this is a huge learning curve for us and as we are changing HABITS, that takes time. But the good thing is that we can change! This site will also lift your self-esteem and that can only be good, right?

  303.  #303kaitlyn on March 11, 2011 at 10:26 am

    A guy asked me on a date. He basically warned me not to be one of those girls who just eat salads. I coyly told him I don’t know what I’m ordering until I get to the restaurant.

  304.  #304Mel on March 11, 2011 at 10:27 am

    Thanks for that femininewoman! Great advice!

    At any rate putting myself first will help me to feel better and happier.

  305.  #305Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 10:29 am

    Bob Grant

    Did You Know:

    One of the biggest secrets that most women don’t understand is that a man who has difficulty with commitment is also a man that is afraid of being abandoned.

    Featured Topic: Why Does He Pull Away?

    Often in the beginning stages of a relationship, there is an intensity of feelings where both partners feel exhilarated.
    The man is smitten and can’t seem to get enough of the woman. He calls often and professes his love for her. He is constantly pressing to know more and more about her. For a woman, this is not only flattering, but also emotionally orgasmic. To have a man so consumed with her makes her feel complete.

    And then it happens; as the weeks or months go by, she notices that his attention seems to wane. He calls, but not as often. For some reason, he isn’t as emotive with his feelings as he was just a few weeks ago. Apparently, she is doing something wrong, right?

    If you’ve ever experienced this phenomenon, then let me explain the reasons for this scenario. When men feel emotions, they tend to feel them intensely and in short bursts. During the first few days/weeks/
    or even months, it is quite common for a man to feel intensely when he is in a new relationship.

    However, what men unwittingly do is give women the impression that they will feel and act intensely passionate indefinitely. In fact, they often believe that those intense feelings will last indefinitely. Many men are puzzled and discouraged when they wake up and those intense feelings aren’t there every waking moment. They say to themselves, “Something must be wrong if I don’t feel as strongly as I used to.” It is at this point that many men end a relationship that easily could have developed into something that lasted a lifetime. What can you do to help a man avoid “losing interest?” To begin with, cultivate the understanding that a man will pull away at times in a relationship. Often women don’t think this situation applies to them. They often say that they know this can occur, but then they become scared and insecure when it actually happens. Quite frequently simply knowing this information isn’t enough, and women need insights and strategies that transform their fears into feelings of confidence.

    What a man finds more appealing than you can imagine isn’t someone who never gets nervous or emotional. What men find incredibly attractive is a woman who is confident enough to show her vulnerability and is able to prevent those feelings from overwhelming her. If you don’t know how to do this, then you can acquire this and other powerful skills.

    There is another aspect that women have complete control over. Often a woman appears overly accommodating by demonstrating the following types of behavior: allowing the relationship to progress too fast, giving more than she is receiving and/or tolerating poor behavior. If a woman acts in one of these ways, a man’s passion will always go away. Always. In fact, these are some of the primary reasons that lead to breakups and they must be addressed if a relationship can be saved.

    If you think that giving is the way to keep a man, then you’re actually making it more likely that he’ll become bored with you. To maintain passion you must always retain some mystery, even in a marriage. I know that may sound hard to do,
    but if you’re willing to learn how to put your heart first, you will have great results. Following these guidelines will allow you to experience the same joy and satisfaction women who know this secret are enjoying.

  306.  #306Boomer on March 11, 2011 at 10:31 am


    “I feel horrible saying that I never felt like I could be myself until my Mom passed away.”

    Wow! I know this feeling so well. And I hope you forgive yourself about those feelings if you have not already.

    I was older when my parents passed away – in my mid-thirties – but yes, I too felt like I could finally be myself after an entire life of trying to make them happy (and not feeling like I was succeeding) following a conservative and “normal” path: college, job, Catholic marriage, children (LOTS of children).

    I took care of a lot of their healthcare and business while they were ill and dying, in addition to working full-time, raising four kids, and trying to escape an abusive and chronically depressed second husband too…so I can’t blame my folks entirely.

    But after my father died, I kicked the husband to the curb, quit my stifling corporate job, allowed joint custody of my older kids with their dad, and started my freelance writing and personal chef career. It was so freeing. I’m back in corporate land for practical reasons, but I became who I was always meant to be during those few years after their deaths.

    They were my parents and I loved them (and very much forgive them), but they failed to see me as a real person and not just an extension of them, I think…I strive to be a much different parent to my four kids: more open, more accepting, more willing to let them fail (or fly!) without much comment and lots of support.

    That Shinedown song (Second Chance) always makes me feel better about my relief at finally being free of my upbringing:

    “Tell my mother tell my father I’m not angry…I’m just sayin’ sometimes goodbye means a second chance.”

  307.  #307Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 10:32 am

    RER 311 Mel says “At any rate putting myself first will help me to feel better and happier.”

    Emotions are contagious so if you feel better and happier my experience is that those around you cannot help but feel the same way.

  308.  #308Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 10:33 am

    RE 310 kaitlyn I understand from another coach that is a mistake many girls make and it turns guys off.

  309.  #309Mel on March 11, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Feeling so sad!

    After a long week… struggling… trying SO hard, I feel defeated.

    Just got a call from hubby. Of course he’s working late again, but he’s also decided he needs to go out and have some fun (of course without me). Other girls from work, yes… but not me. I haven’t seen him much all week, and again he’s choosing to leave me out.

    It hurts.

  310.  #310Carolinagrl on March 11, 2011 at 10:38 am

    I am so addicted to this blog now! Is there a chat room or do we just chat on here?

    Thanks Ladybird!
    I am determined to have a great weekend and not think of him or wonder why he isn’t contacting me!
    If I get too bad and want to text him, I will just jump on here and type away! So forgive me in advance for any babbling I may do!! LOL

    I am so much an overthinker and I analyze EVERYTHING! Have to learn to turn those thoughts into new ones. Baby steps, but I will make it.

  311.  #311Ladybird on March 11, 2011 at 10:40 am

    FW @ 312: thanks for that!

    Kaitlyn: that’s so funny he ‘warned’ you what not to eat. What if you do want to eat salad? Let us know what you order!

  312.  #312Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 10:40 am

    @303: Ladybird says:
    “…SLV: you are hilarious!!…”

    I don’t know why you are laughing at me. Could you share?


  313.  #313kaitlyn on March 11, 2011 at 10:43 am

    318 Ladybird

    I usually order the salad. Yep. I’m that girl. They can go suck it. It’s about spending time together- not what’s on the plate.

  314.  #314Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 10:44 am

    RE 316 Mel I would plan something to do then call him back and say “have fun” I am going bowling, rolling blading or whatever with …….”.
    It hurts yes, notice the feeling, acknowledge them but go do something good for yourself to lift your vibe. I hope he will be shocked with you telling him “have fun”. If so he will not be able to get you out of his head all night. Hopefully you will have fun and have something to share with him later that will cause some internal emotional response that he can’t explain but just know it is there so next time he will have an internal reference for himself that will cause him to rethink. Don’t do what you have always done in such circumstances set an intention to get a different result by doing something different.

  315.  #315Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 10:46 am

    RE 320 kaitlyn

    I agree but it will help you to identify that you can affect him in some way by the choices you make. It will also allow yourself to be influenced, that is very important in relationships. If you can’t be influenced it is something you will learn about yourself. It will allow you to notice if you can be lead and if you are willing to allow a guy to lead. If you are, then guess what, is that feminine or what?

  316.  #316Ladybird on March 11, 2011 at 10:47 am

    Mel, you are not defeated….. you are doing great and I understand completly why you feel hurt and sad. I’m sending you a big warm ladybird hug right now. Can you call a friend or friends to go out with or come over to you tonight?

  317.  #317Boomer on March 11, 2011 at 10:47 am

    I wonder if I have turned off some dates by ordering the big, beefy buttsteak on many an occasion! I am not shy about food or about their spending money to get me what i want to eat. Perhaps I’ll ask what he’s ordering and try not to outspend him by much, but I go for it! I basically get what I would get if I were out with friends or out by myself. And then maybe add a little extra because I can 🙂

    My ex-husband said, when were dating, that a girl with a big appetite for food has other big appetites as well, and that that’s a very good sign! She’s not the type to worry about her hair getting messed up in the sack…

  318.  #318Mel on March 11, 2011 at 10:49 am

    I really want to just go out and have a good time too, but he’s got the car and I’m stuck at home in our tiny isolated town. I SO do not want to sit at home and feel miserable and wallow, but I’m pulling out my hair because I can’t even do something that would make me feel better. AAAHH!!!!

  319.  #319kaitlyn on March 11, 2011 at 10:50 am

    322 FW

    I love being lead by men, but yeah, I know what you mean. I remember mostly letting Adam lead. He enjoyed planning the dates and the movies he chose became interesting to me because they were a part of him he shared with me.

  320.  #320Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 10:50 am

    RE 320 kaitlyn it could also allow you check on how you feel about being worthy and play with him. If he is not open to paying for salads is he open to paying for expensive meals. I would really spend time looking at the expensive options and making comments to see the look on his face or the vibe he gives off. I believe you have a wide open opportunity to really pay attention to yourself and see how much power you really have with men.

  321.  #321Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 10:51 am

    RE 324 Boomer that is great advice and reframe. I have to watch myself because when I get comfortable I will eat like a bird. Will remember that it can send the wrong message. Thanks for that.

  322.  #322Ladybird on March 11, 2011 at 10:52 am

    SLV, the wasp spray comment.

    FW, great advice to Mel!

    Carolinagrl: you go girl. And take FWs advice for Mel too. How great will it be when he calls you and you tell him how busy you’ve been having fun……(without him)?

    Sirens, I have to love you and leave you as I’m picking up two friends to go to the cinema. I’ll check in later or tomorrow…… xx

  323.  #323Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 10:52 am

    RE 325 Mel do you have kids? Do they have Wii? I have fun doing the dances with my kids and the games.

  324.  #324Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 10:54 am

    Mel no scented candles, wine or bath salts? Maybe run a hot bath, change the sheets and pamper yourself with scents etc.

  325.  #325kaitlyn on March 11, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Interesting observation…my best friend is a guy. His personality is quite extroverted, alfa male. We’ve been best friends for 9 years. I’ve had him in my life longer than anyone I know. An ex once noticed, “You let him has his way a lot. Why don’t I get that, too?” He was right. I do let my best friend lead a lot. Mostly it doesn’t feel like leading because we have the same taste and values, but sometimes when he wants to be right, I notice I just lean back and let him be right. Hence our 9 successful years, I suppose.

  326.  #326Mel on March 11, 2011 at 10:56 am

    No, no kids. I feel so stuck. I hate feeling this way. 🙁

  327.  #327kaitlyn on March 11, 2011 at 11:02 am


    Get the Fresh Linen Spray from Restoration Hardware. Life changing. I spray it randomly in any room.

  328.  #328kaitlyn on March 11, 2011 at 11:02 am

    And Urban Outfitters has the best scented candles.

  329.  #329kaitlyn on March 11, 2011 at 11:04 am

    “She’s not the type to worry about her hair getting messed up in the sack…”

    Definitely never been worried about that. Lolz

  330.  #330Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 11:06 am

    RE 332 kaitlyn Having his way can mean IMHO that you do not set boundaries. It might not necessarily mean leading in the other person’s mind.

  331.  #331Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 11:08 am

    @308: Femininewoman says:
    “…Some coaches refer to it as seducing his mind. Will search to see if I have anything…”

    Yes, I am interested in building emotional attraction past physical attraction and also being on same page with my “sweetie.”

    BTW, I’m a little nervous to post on blog right now as apparently I am now in confrontation with Ladybird. I’ve never even posted anything to her. Have I? I don’t remember it. Geez!

    For the record, I am very sincere in anything I share with the sirens on the blog, or the public in general for that matter. I am NOT “hilarious.” Gee that feels so “ick” to read. I could say more but I don’t want to get into a name-calling match.

    Some days it’s like that around here… I feel bad now but about her comment about me even thought it’s not true and her loss not to know me. I’ll feel better soon.

    I’m going to go listen to music now and perhaps I can get Ladybird to change her tune also. Maybe… or not… or just put a curse on her love life.


  332.  #332Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 11:09 am

    Mel I get the sense that he knows you are home waiting for him and it might feel like laser focus to him that could be a turn off. I understand what you say about the small town but please explore. There has got to be something you could do.

  333.  #333Carolinagrl on March 11, 2011 at 11:10 am

    Awww…I wish I could go grab Mel and we could go out and have some fun!
    I really think this board is going to help me.
    Love the advice FW, I try to tell myself all the time..If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got!
    Lots of things are easier said than done though. Seems no matter how much I change negative into positive, it’s easier to believe the negative.
    I am so flip floppy…One minute I am strong .. I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR ; the next I am weak and ready to scream. Sometimes I get tired of being strong and just want somebody to take me in their strong arms and tell me it’s going to be ok.

  334.  #334Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 11:10 am

    ooooohhhh…there’s is so much i want to post on but i have to get going

    femininewoman….thank you so much for reminding me that it’s ok if the man always pays and that is actually what i want…i want to feel cherished and adored and taken care of and protected…and when a man pays this is how i feel…and so far all 3 men (having gone on multiple dates with them) are doing just that and i feel that with them…yay…wahooo!!!

    it was really hard when i was dating firefighter man and he wanted 50/50…yuck..ick…NO WAY!!! not ever again…50/50 never really happened but he used to bring it up…he made WAYYYY more than i did

    FW…i think it’s EMK who talks about the girl offering to pay and that a man appreciates it????have you read that from him?? that’s been stuck in my mind…but now i can forget about it!!!! because it doesn’t feel good to me

  335.  #335Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 11:12 am

    SLV I doubt it. I might be wrong but I did not get that. I have found you hilarious in the past. Plus she did indicate that she was going off for a while.

  336.  #336Sweetpea on March 11, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Re: wasp spray – I love this stuff because I am deathly afraid of wasps. I believe the kind that sprays 20 ft is called “foaming wasp spray.” I’ve experience some difficulty finding the kind that sprays so far, so be sure you read the can. If it doesn’t say it sprays “x” distance, it’s probably more like Raid.

    I once killed a black widow that was in my house above my kitchen door with foaming wasp spray. Yep – no way I was getting on a stool with a flyswatter to try to kill that mama. Great stuff and thanks for sharing, Brenda!

  337.  #337Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 11:14 am

    Jilly I have. I have also seen it from other coaches but it is way down the road when you are in an established relationship and you start “inviting” the guy out. Then you can say something like “next time we go to…………. my treat”. EMK also says whoever invites is the one who pays.

  338.  #338Mel on March 11, 2011 at 11:14 am

    You’re probably right. It’s like he thinks I’ll just be here waiting. Desperately waiting. It’s maddening really. He leaves me alone with no car in a tiny town where everything closes by 7:00 pm and then gets “turned off” that I’m at home waiting. I’m feeling more and more angry about it actually!

  339.  #339Simply Shannon on March 11, 2011 at 11:15 am

    This post feels very interesting and timely. (Boomer, right there with ya rockstar!)

    For me this is about allowing a man to give to me even if I’m not feeling it for him. And telling him the truth, ala “I’m not really feeling interested right now” or saying no to a date when I don’t want to go out with him or whatever is the actual truth (and not candy coated for his pleasure).

    This also reminds me of Rori’s last post about a man not leaving no matter what I say. If he’s “the one” he won’t leave. So even if I tell him I’m not feeling it for him, he will ask me questions to help figure out what I need AND give it to me. Or maybe he will leave for a time until he gets his shit together and then come back. Either way, I win. 😉

    I really am okay no matter what I say or do. I can tell myself a story about how saying XYZ or being in my masculine energy messed up my life or whatever. I say phfffttt to that. I’ve decided to experiment with everything and see what I like. The only “mistake” I’ve ever made is assuming that something which makes another happy will make ME happy. This even applies to Rori’s “rules” (even though I’ve found them to be true most of the time).

    I can do and experience whatever I want. It’s a 50/50 chance that things will work out favorably. Actually, it’s 100% chance that things will work out in whatever way they were meant to work out.

    This is really simple stuff to get and understand. My soul knows this is true.

  340.  #340Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 11:15 am

    awww….SLV….i hope i don’t push your buttons even more but i love your sense of humor too..and i’ve expressed that to you before 🙂 i think that’s all she meant by it…i’m sure she’ll speak for herself…

    i am so glad you are on this blog

  341.  #341Sweetpea on March 11, 2011 at 11:17 am

    Yep – wasps and rattlesnakes make me wanna scream and run like a girl. Black widows – yes. Them too. Pretty much my only fears in the world other than being vulnerable. But I’ve recently decided it feels good to let a man take care of these little peskies for me. Right before I met TTG I decided being able and willing to kill a rattlesnake for me would be a prereq for my dating any man who likes to be out in nature. TTG can, has and will. Think I narrowed the playing field too much?

  342.  #342Summerbaby on March 11, 2011 at 11:18 am


    It’s time you accompany him on a drive to work so you can have the vehicle. Or ask him to come home just long enough to give you the car so you can get out and do something…

    Otherwise, I would be doing some at home project that I enjoyed… whether a craft, or dancing or reading… something.

    you would benefit from being otherwise occupied providing your own happiness.


  343.  #343Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 11:18 am

    RE 340 Carolinagirl

    That is fine. There is a post earlier from Rori about surrender. We all long to deeply surrender to a man. Focusing on the negative is what our brains do naturally, remember a two year old’s first word “NO”. That is the reason we work to rewire our brains by feeding it daily with what we want. And we do it with positive emotions connected to it. I look in the mirror and say to myself “I love you, you are a prize, you are worthy, I am all that”. I have now developed a habit of talking to myself.

  344.  #344Mel on March 11, 2011 at 11:19 am

    Carolinagrl: “Awww…I wish I could go grab Mel and we could go out and have some fun!”

    That would be GREAT! LOL.

  345.  #345Jilly on March 11, 2011 at 11:19 am

    FW we posted basically the same thing and i didn’t even read yours first @342..we are insync today 🙂 i know i’m a dork sometimes…lol

    k hope i can catch up with all of you later 🙂

  346.  #346Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 11:20 am

    I LOVE dancing.

  347.  #347Simply Shannon on March 11, 2011 at 11:20 am

    Boomer, I haven’t read all of the posts back to you so this may have already been asked…

    What might you say to him about these things? If you were not worried at all about his feelings, what would you say?

    Maybe try writing it here? Just as an experiment to see what words come to mind. I bet somewhere in there is a speech (aka the truth) for you to say.

  348.  #348Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 11:21 am

    @329: Ladybird says:
    “…SLV, the wasp spray comment…”

    You are mistaken. I did not make a wasp spray “comment” and *I* certainly AM NOT “hilarious.”

    I am stung by your personal depiction of me and dismissal of my contribution to the Rori blog especially in light of the serious subject matter of my posts today.

    I am annoyed.

  349.  #349Prairie Girl on March 11, 2011 at 11:23 am

    oooohhhh Boomer!!!! I’ve missed you!

    I’ve been reading and trying to keep up… I always feel like smiling when I see your beautiful face pop up…You are so rockin this stuff..

    Sigh.. cowboy.. is not real.. and yet is a saga… so I’m working on CDing myself until I no longer remember to look and see if he’s still on the back of the horse.. silent..absent….lol… I’d LOVE tips on this sirens, the CDing myself…

    I got a part in the comm theater play as a southern white trash floozy and am having fun…

    SLV… I sorta fu*ked up… WELL (in my best Bewithched/Samantha whine) he was really low energy all 3 times he called the past 2 days.. Kinda like he was expecting me to NOT go out with him..

    I said I would, then said I needed to be honest and say that I felt a little uncomfortable last week when I realized that his online pics were not recent (his recent one was not cute and when I asked him to go to the bathroom and take it he put on a cowboy hat (i like) and a down vest (I find stupid, in the br? Really? Not even the hat could help him.. Not repulsive.. but)

    Anyway, I say I felt a little “offput” cause I’m trying to be safe on the dating sites, but that I think it would still feel nice to go out to lunch or a movie…

    He gets all huffy and indignant and say’s well you’ve already made up your mind to be offended, it was nice talking to you, goodbye!
    .. WEll alrighty then….

    I feel better… I’ve been peaceful with my decision to quit dating for a while… focus on myself… do the tools to make myself focus and every single thing of good, happy, in my life alone…

    I have become VERY VERY aware that I am too sensitive to other people’s energy… esp in dating situations.. and I don’t yet know how to protect myself… How to keep myself from being pushed and pulled and swayed all over the place…

    If any of you have tips on this kind of stuff I would LOVE them… I’ve been doing the “removing the hooks” Lisi mentioned and like it a lot… I feel like my heart must look like the bottom of a fishing pond…

    Angels on your bodies..

  350.  #350Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 11:23 am

    RE 355 SLV am I missing something? Do you dislike what hilarious means? I am sorry if I offended you.

  351.  #351Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 11:26 am

    @342: Femininewoman says:
    “…SLV I doubt it. I might be wrong but I did not get that. I have found you hilarious in the past. Plus she did indicate that she was going off for a while….”

    She already went off on me. You find me hilarious too? I’m sad to hear that. I accept there might be a mistake there. But i definitely DID NOT make any comment about wasp spray so I cannot accept any fault there.


  352.  #352Prairie Girl on March 11, 2011 at 11:26 am

    Jilly I think you are VERY much ready/able to give wise counsel here! You are a brilliant Siren on this island!!

    I appreciate your presence and have loved your developments w/Pipeliner man… I am with you..

    I love that you are being flooded with generous men!

    I may be off the dating merry go round for the moment but I am still learning from all of you!!!!!


  353.  #353Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 11:27 am

    RE 345 Mel Rori encourages to find the anger in our body and see what it is about. Hope I can find the post to direct you to it. If you are feeling the anger,he is too and it is pushing him away.

  354.  #354Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 11:29 am

    RE 358 SLV There have been times in the past where you post comments that have had me laughing. I like your sense of humor is all I mean by it. Such as the traps comment.

  355.  #355Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 11:32 am

    SLV I might have missed the “going off on you” as I had kind of shut down recently and was not reading as usual. If that is the case I don’t support that type of thing.

  356.  #356Sweetpea on March 11, 2011 at 11:34 am


    Thank you. I don’t feel guilty about it. I never really put it together before I posted that. I guess I feel a little guilt about it now. But I’m a huge fan of (and student) of the metaphysical and all forms of spirituality. Mostly I found it interesting as it relates to past lives. I’ve heard it said that we choose our parents, our life path, etc before we take physical form. I remember hearinf my Mom pray every morning for God to take her. And he did. And I was 18. Makes me wonder if there’s not something to that past lives stuff. I wonder if I had already written my plan and chosen to be what felt like “orphaned” to me at 18.

    I absolutely LOVE Shinedown! I bought their CD immediately upon hearing “Second Chance.” I love pretty much every song on there – they speak to me, somehow – resonate I guess I would say. I love, love, love their new song “Diamond Eyes” as well!

    Off to class now, maybe I’ll get a chance to catch up on posts later. Have a great day Siren Ones (that would be a play on Wise Ones…fitting I think).

  357.  #357Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 11:36 am


    “…I have become VERY VERY aware that I am too sensitive to other people’s energy… esp in dating situations.. and I don’t yet know how to protect myself… How to keep myself from being pushed and pulled and swayed all over the place…”

    I am very sensitive to other people too. I’ve had a horrible few minutes on the blog so I’m taking some time for myself now and using my resources for myself.

    Take care, cowgirl.


  358.  #358Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 11:38 am

    RE 364 SLV I know what you mean. I am really sorry to hear you had a horrible few minutes and sincerely hope it was a misunderstanding that can easily be overcome. This blog should be wide open for the whole world. It really hurts when I see comments that seem to keep it small.

  359.  #359Senior Lady Vibe on March 11, 2011 at 11:40 am

    @361: Femininewoman says:
    “…RE 358 SLV There have been times in the past where you post comments that have had me laughing. I like your sense of humor is all I mean by it. Such as the traps comment….”

    I reposted someone else’s comment…plus. I do attempt to add value…what can I say? I don’t think that makes *ME* hilarious. I don’t want my comments to be seen in that light. My time is valuable to me.


  360.  #360Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 11:42 am

    RE 366 Understood.

  361.  #361Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 11:43 am

    SLV I truly value your presence here. I believe you add value. I really do.

  362.  #362Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 11:48 am

    SLV I feel I would give you a hug right now. I value physical touch as it helps me to feel loved and valued. I am sending you a virtual hug.

  363.  #363Mel on March 11, 2011 at 11:49 am

    Ok… I found something to do tonight. I’ll have to go by myself, (don’t know anyone here) but whatever! The little tavern in town has a band on tonight that does quote: “Asian inspired surfer music.” Sounds intriguing…

    So here’s the thing. How do I tell my husband that I’m going to a bar by myself without it sounding like I’m trying to “one up him” or “make him feel guilty.” I want to choose my words carefully because I always tend to say the wrong thing and just make things worse.

    At least when he called me to inform me he was going out I didn’t completely lose it this time. I only said “I feel jealous.” I wish I hadn’t said anything though.

    I want the message to be positive and like I don’t care that he’s going out (even though I really feel terrible). I’ll send it to him by email at work.

    Suggestions for a “speech” for me? I’m not good at this.

  364.  #364Alonka on March 11, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Hi Craig,

    it felt annoying to get caught in the rain and call you late last night. Hope your presentation went great!
    I won’t be able to to call tonight as I have plans.. But it would feel good to talk on the weekend;) Will tomorrow or Sunday say 11am to noon work for you?

  365.  #365Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 11:57 am

    I am missing Pamelala a lot. Pamelala hope you are okay.

    Ann I am missing you and hope all is going well with your situation and your decision.

  366.  #366Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    RE 371

    Alonka I would take out the first line. Though it might be true for you it is a first date and I am not sure if would want to leave an annoying impression on him of our first time together. He might always remember that word associated with you and when your quirks start showing up later if he keeps talking to you and dating you, his mind might keep putting you together with annoying.

    Is there anything you could appreciate him on and sandwich it with. Maybe his choice of restaurant, dinner something and kind of link it to him winning with his presentation. In other words suggest that his thinking is good so you know his presentation might have made an unforgettable impression.

    I would leave out the last question. Rori says no questions and I remember Loneplum suggested that questions are like emotional rape. It is in his head. He should want to talk without you “suggesting it”.
    Hi Craig,

    Hope your presentation went great!
    I won’t be able to to call tonight as I have plans.. But it would feel good to talk on the weekend;) Will tomorrow or Sunday say 11am to noon work for you?

    Friday, 11 March 2011 @ 11:55am

  367.  #367Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    RE 370 Did he say anything to suggest that he felt guilty?

  368.  #368Alonka on March 11, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    Catching up on the posts.. busy day. But Jilly was asking what I was planning to send and this what I am sending shortly;)


    Yes, if I knew myself how the whole thing works at the right time I wouldn’t be here! lol Not that I’m not happy to make new friends here and learn:)


    Thanks, yes, I will consider google phone. Didn’t know about it, thanks again

    Busy day today;)

  369.  #369Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    Alonka did you see my comments.

  370.  #370Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Mel I would just say I am feeling bored with the house, I am going out to enjoy myself and see if I can meet some new people.

  371.  #371Mel on March 11, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    No, but often when I try to express my feelings he says that I’m only telling him _____ to make him feel guilty.

    Like when he told me a few weeks ago that he had to (yet again) skip our plans and go into work on a Saturday, I said I felt abandoned. He said I was trying to “manipulate him” into staying home.

    It is obvious to me that he feels I am controlling. I think he’s just misunderstanding me most of the time.

    I just feel like no matter what I say it is the wrong thing.

    Should I say: “I am feeling lonely and I don’t like to feel that way. XYZ place has some neat live music tonight, so I was thinking that might make me feel better. What do you think?”

    Is that okay?

  372.  #372Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Alonka I would say if you want reinforce any emotion it would be about being happy and having fun on the date.

  373.  #373Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Mel that is explaining, which is what Rori says we should not do.

  374.  #374Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Mel Your tone and your vibe is what is “telling him _____ to make him feel guilty.” Also take out words like “you should, you always, you make me or you need to” from your vocabulary. It translates as controlling in people’s mind because many mothers talk to us that way.

    I personally don’t like the words “I felt abandoned” because truly it is not a feeling. We are the ones who abandon ourselves. We feel “sad, angry etc”. You miss him when he is not home. I think “I felt abandoned” actually means “you are abandoning me”.

  375.  #375Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    RE 378 “I am feeling lonely and I don’t like to feel that way. XYZ place has some neat live music tonight, so I was thinking that might make me feel better. What do you think?”

    You can decide if you want to feel better regardless of the music, what if you don’t like it. I am also not convinced you should not allow him to ask you where you are going. Also I am not convinced you should ask him “what do you think”? What if he is not agreeable to you going there?

  376.  #376Alonka on March 11, 2011 at 12:28 pm


    Thank you so much. We did not have a date yet. It was the very first phone call that I made last night at 10 pm and he said he was busy still at work, preparing a presentation. He asked if we can talk instead tonight and earlier in the evening. He sounded a bit harsh, maybe just busy, and I decided not to ‘do as Iam told’ and call tonight. I felt like skipping a day and calling on the weekend instead.

  377.  #377Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    So why are you talking about annoying and the rain?

  378.  #378Mel on March 11, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    hmm…. I can see what you mean. I certainly did not intend to control him, but I guess I can see how it would have been interpreted that way.

    I really struggle with this! It’s hard to say how you feel while also thinking about how it will be received. Especially in the “heat of the moment.”

  379.  #379Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    RE 383 What did he say to make you feel you were “told” to call?

    I wouldn’t call. It would show how much he is thinking of you. I would believe that he was busy. Guys are single focus, that is how their brains are wired. If you called when he was in the middle of something he would not have been happy to hear from you. Plus if you already called last night why would you call again?

  380.  #380Alonka on March 11, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    Haha rain was the reason I called him so late, I got home late. Since he was commenting on ‘calling earlier in the evening’ I thought I’d tell him that was the reason and not that I call guys late in the evenings usually:)

  381.  #381Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    Mel how you feel will be in your body. Even if have have to say I feel pressure in my chest; or I am struggling with expressing myself clearly but I feel disappointed, I feel my heart racing, I feel shaky in my shoulders. I feel nauseaous. I feel sweaty and nervous. Get out of your head by touching something.

  382.  #382Alonka on March 11, 2011 at 12:38 pm


    yes, he said ‘Can we talk tomorrow instead and earlier in the evening’?

  383.  #383Mel on March 11, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    So you think I should leave it vague? Wouldn’t that sound like I was hiding something?

  384.  #384Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    You see things get lost in translation when we explain. I would not call again and I would not send that text. Guys forget.

  385.  #385Alonka on March 11, 2011 at 12:40 pm


    He does not have my number. I said I was comfortable with make the very first call myself. So the ball is in my court for now. If we have a nice conversation, then I will give him my number.

  386.  #386Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    RE 389 Alonka that is not tell you to call him.

  387.  #387Boomer on March 11, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    Prairie Girl:

    “I got a part in the comm theater play as a southern white trash floozy and am having fun…”

    Ha! Yay you! That sounds so fun! That is an excellent way to put the focus on you, your creativity, your passions, you, you, you!!

    Reminds me of last week when Annie Clyde and I were out dancing to a cheesey ’80s cover band we like at a local hillbilly bar…we had just eaten a metric buttload (yes, that’s a technical term) of Mexican food and had overindulged on these potent margaritas called “Bad Juans.” She kept clutching her flat little belly complaining that her “food baby” was making her feel sick. We were in the bathroom of the bar, and in my best trashy floozy voice, I said, “Girl, get in that stall and drop that food baby in the toilet like a trailer park prom queen! We got some dancin’ to do!”

    Of course, Bad Juan is so very, very bad (as is his larger, more potent brother “Nasty Miguel”), and I did not realize a) how loud I was, b) how many women were in the bathroom, and c) how I totally could have offended more than half the women there because, well…they were trailer park prom queens!

    Oh, and then some ball-cap-wearing good ol’ boy bought me a drink and tried to engage me in conversation. Upon hearing how many children I have (four), he said, “Whew girl, you must really like to screw! Are you fixed???”


    Needless to say, we laughed about THAT too, and it was a fun night. After nights like that, I’m thinking, “Who needs men??? Other than to poke fun at???”

    I love my friends 🙂

  388.  #388Lercomari on March 11, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    @Brenda 209
    I said everything I put in my post in 105. I don’t think I was being manipulative. Maybe I’m just uncomfortable with standing up for myself. I had to have that talk with him though.
    @ #217 SLV
    Thanks for your input. I’m not hurting as much now. I think I’ll be okay. I know I’ll look back on this and see that it was an important lesson.

  389.  #389Boomer on March 11, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    It’s Friday. Almost quitting time. If not for the fact that I am in Mommy Mode all weekend, I sure could use some time with Bad Juan. Even his sassy little sister, “Cheeky Mamacita” would be great right now (she’s smaller but loaded with top-shelf tequila and amaretto –yummy!). And some chips and salsa would be a nice accompaniment, don’t you think? The kids could enjoy their burritos and let mommy slowly get pickled, right? That does not make me a bad mommy. Right???

    I feel…

    – indulgent
    – irreverent
    – wicked

    Yay Friday!!!

  390.  #390Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    RE 390 Mel did he tell you where he was going? I would also assume that he would ask you where you were going? That you give you a gauge of his level of interest in you and your happiness, is what I think. Tell him how you feel and that you are going out and then pause to see what happens.

  391.  #391Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Mel also aren’t you new in town? What could you possibly be hiding? If you are hiding something wouldn’t it be relief to know he is coming home late so there would be no need to hide anything?

    Why would he think you are hiding something? Are you a conspiracy theorist like me?

    The point I am making is that you might be overthinking things.

  392.  #392Mel on March 11, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    “The point I am making is that you might be overthinking things.”

    Good point! LOL

    As you can probably tell, I’m not an especially vague person, so it might seem out of the ordinary for me is all.

    I like your idea of just mentioning it and pausing to see what he says though.

  393.  #393Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    RE 399

    Rori teaches to build in the pause to give them space to absorb what we say and respond. Their brains don’t work as fast as ours. She normally says to include what do you think at the end. In this case I think you are doing something for yourself that you need to do and am not convinced that you need his opinion on it. I hope some of the other sirens give you some feedback also.

  394.  #394kaitlyn on March 11, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    My girlfriend on FB posted “Hey K, when are we gonna rage?” I posted, “Friday!!!!!” Why not. It increases my vibe up.

  395.  #395Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Has he every described you as vague?
    Does he ever say you talk too much? Or have you ever felt he tunes you out?

  396.  #396Alonka on March 11, 2011 at 1:09 pm


    What you said was beautiful. When I was reading it I was thinking that wish I were so brave, down to my feelings and articulate. I honestly think you couldn’t do better for yourself.

  397.  #397Mel on March 11, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    LOL, he tunes me out quite often.

    The funny thing is that when we first got together, that was one of my “good qualities” and now it just seems to annoy him.

  398.  #398Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    I just asked a guy to get me something and he brought back a lot more than I expected. When I said wow that is a lot he said “can I say that you are deserving?”.

    I also just heard a lady telling a guy “I am fabulous”. He laughed and agreed with her, repeating “yes you are fabulous”.

    Do we have power or what. We teach people how to treat us.

  399.  #399Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    RE 404 What quality?
    You know your greatest strength can also be your greatest weakness.

  400.  #400Mel on March 11, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    “RE 404 What quality?”

    Being talkative and easy to talk to.

  401.  #401kaitlyn on March 11, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Adam is back on FB. He has erased all his friends’ posts asking where he is. Obsess much? Why yes, I do. I feel bothered that after I returned his LIKE, he didn’t instigate further communication.

  402.  #402Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    RE 408 kaitlyn It seems to me he is processing something in his own life. Doesn’t seem rational that he would erase “all his friends’ post asking where he is” without responding. I believe he might be in his mind dealing with some “demons”. He might even be feeling psychic pressure because of the focus you have put on him in your own head. He might even be miserable, missing you. Remember long after a break up the brain still lights up with love for the person.

  403.  #403Nikita on March 11, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    just stopping by to share a link:)
    The Allure of a Man’s Uncertainty.
    From the NY Times

  404.  #404Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    RE 407 Could it be that because he liked you talkative you could have given him too much of that, thinking more is better? Just because he liked it.

    I bet he is missing that easy going fun girl who talked about all the things that made her happy though.

  405.  #405Mel on March 11, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    “I bet he is missing that easy going fun girl who talked about all the things that made her happy though.”

    You are SO right!

  406.  #406kaitlyn on March 11, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    409 FW

    I truly hope he misses me. I truly hope he’s ok in his head with whatever he’s going through. I do know he has a stalker- a guy. Maybe he’s hiding from him. He’s the reason Adam didn’t want me putting ‘In a relationship with Adam ___’ on my FB.

    Sometimes I think what if he misses me. That makes me feel optimistic, which raises my vibe. But then I feel guilty that it raised my vibe because 1) my vibe shouldn’t depend on him 2) what if thinking he still wants me is me just being delusional.

    Is this train of thought normal?

  407.  #407Brenda on March 11, 2011 at 1:32 pm


    RE: #274 – About Google Voice, I feel immediately suspicious. My first question would be is it hackable? Is it guaranteed confidential?

    Makailah – You can add your picture at gravatar dot com. If you aren’t receiving Rori’s eletters, you could resign up or email technical support on her website.

  408.  #408Boomer on March 11, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Brenda, Google Voice has an inbox just like Gmail. If you trust your Gmail or Yahoo account, why not something like this? I guess it’s as hackable as anything else. And it’s Google, so I feel good about it.

    My biz partner here at work, the VP of Web Architecture, is the one who suggested it to me several month ago when I was complaining about the loser guys who text me all the time. He’s a technical guru, and he uses it all the time.

  409.  #409Brenda on March 11, 2011 at 1:37 pm


    Ok, I read #105 and I wasn’t sure if there was more to the conversation, or if that was just a summary. I think what you said was just about perfect! I would have left out the part about his girlfriend mistreating him. I understand where your thoughts probably were on that, tho. But all in all, it was totally excellent, and you are treating yourself like the goddess that you are.

  410.  #410Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    This is called the “reciprocity principle,” which holds that a woman should like a man less if he doesn’t like her much, and reflects earlier research.

    Great read Nikita.

  411.  #411Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    RE 413 kaitlyn I think the key is you “thinking” at all about him. You have been in your head for over two weeks about him and what he is feeling. It now seems that you have been on facebook to check on him. All that you wrote today should bring your consciousness to how you are abandoning yourself.

  412.  #412Brenda on March 11, 2011 at 1:42 pm


    I suppose it’s worth considering. I am going to read the fine print first, tho. You know the other cheap, online phone service, Magic Jack? My friend looked into it, and the fine print states something about it not being confidential.

    About 4 years ago, this friend had her entire computer hacked, followed by her bank account. The predator would literally navigate around on HER email while she was at the computer, and he cleaned out her bank account. She has gotten ultra careful since then. She runs her computer on safe mode. She won’t make any online purchases. She told me not to text her any photos, videos, or songs that were originally sent from a computer. She won’t even give out her phone number to businesses she deals with.

    I know for me, I speak more freely on the phone than I write in email. With all the corruption today, I’d hate to create another way to be had.

  413.  #413kaitlyn on March 11, 2011 at 1:44 pm


    I understand you, but I’m not abandoning myself. I am kicking ass at work, constantly cleaning my apt, at the gym plus running everyday, always CD-ing myself, gym, hanging with friends, gym, reading, etc.

  414.  #414Femininewoman on March 11, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    RE 420 I will look for the email regarding abandoning from Innerbonding. You have to go internally also. These are all external activities that does not seem to be impacting your internal state.

  415.  #415kaitlyn on March 11, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    FW, Thanx. I’m open to reading that.

  416.  #416Brenda on March 11, 2011 at 1:49 pm


    Re: #306 – You are moving AGAIN? That is tuff to go thru! What was the heavenly music you heard?

  417.  #417Brenda on March 11, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Boomer and Sweetpea,

    RE: #313 – I saw a cute joke in a Saturday Evening Post last night. A young man handed his parents his degree from law school on his graduation day, saying, “There, I got my law degree like you always wanted. Now I am going to pursue my dream to be a mailman.” 😆

  418.  #418Prairie Girl on March 11, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    372: Femininewoman says:

    I am missing Pamelala a lot. Pamelala hope you are okay.

    Ann I am missing you and hope all is going well with your situation and your decision.”

    Okay obviously I’ve had my head up my butt, wheres Pam/what decision/what did I miss?


  419.  #419Lucy on March 11, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    “Keep logic out of it and go with your feelings.” (Sweetpea)

    “My intuition is usually VERY good. My past issues have to do with not listening to my intuition when it was loud and clear.” (Boomer)

    Sweetpea, thank you for sharing your story and insights. Boomer, your words there could be mine!

    This has been an issue I have struggled with when trying to follow Rori’s teachings to the letter. I have come to the decision that, based on all my experiences, I can and should trust my intuition above all else. Rori says over and over again to trust ourselves and listen to our feelings — and I believe that admonition trumps her other guidelines.

    Sweetpea, I love what you wrote about logic and “nice guys.” My ex-h was/is a classic “nice guy.” My intuition told me to back out right before the wedding, but he and my friends used logic to talk me back into it — I consciously pushed my intuition down in my gut, covered it with a blanket, and lulled it to sleep — after all, their logic was impeccable, and he was such a “nice guy.”

    Years later, as most of you know, I discovered that even though he was a “nice guy,” he was also a sexual addict. In fact, many SA’s are indeed “nice guys.”

    So, I don’t have anything against “nice guys,” but I don’t give them any points just for being nice. Being a nice guy means nothing to me one way or the other. My feelings and intuition are the only things that matter.


  420.  #420Prairie Girl on March 11, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    #364 SLV
    “I’ve had a horrible few minutes on the blog so I’m taking some time for myself now and using my resources for myself.

    Take care, cowgirl.”

    You too my beautiful Siren friend… I hope you can sincerely feel how loved and appreciated your voice is on this blog…
    I so love hearing you here..
    Angels on your body.

  421.  #421Prairie Girl on March 11, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    OMG Boomer!!! LMAO!
    “they were trailer park prom queens!

    Oh, and then some ball-cap-wearing good ol’ boy bought me a drink and tried to engage me in conversation. Upon hearing how many children I have (four), he said, “Whew girl, you must really like to screw! Are you fixed???”


    OMG I need to hang out there to get my accent down…
    I hear ya about the men… some days you just gotta poke up with a stick and giggle…


  422.  #422Alonka on March 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm


    #427: Big YES!

  423.  #423Lucy on March 11, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Brenda, love the joke! I read it aloud to my kids (C and R) and they both laughed. All three are in that stage of career/college decisions. 🙂

  424.  #424Gingersky on March 11, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    #426 Lucy: Good words… I got logic-ed and niced into a serious relationship w a man who wasn’t good for me (nor I for him) a few short years ago. He lulled my intuition to sleep… I get that.

  425.  #425Mel on March 11, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    So I ended up just saying… ” I think I might go out tonight. I feel like I need to get out of the house.” He said “That’s a good idea.” Didn’t even inquire about where or what I would be doing. Not sure what that means.

  426.  #426Gingersky on March 11, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    #428 Prairie Girl: LMAO I live in an area w lots of those GOBs… one reason CDing for me here consists more of connecting w and enjoying all that’s around me rather than dating lots of men right now. Done did that years ago. Some who appear to be GOBs are super great guys… it’s hard to tell till you know them They don’t carry labels sadly.

    Charming indeed. Ak!

  427.  #427Alonka on March 11, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    I met this guy at a social/dance party last night and he stayed with me the whole time I was there (I left early) , asked for my email/number and wrote me a note today. But I’m not really attracted to him!

  428.  #428Gingersky on March 11, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    #394 Boomer: Oh, that was you?! LMAO ROFL! Wish I could see you in your play!

  429.  #429tinque on March 11, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Femininewoman and others –

    “I saw one of the ladies in Sex and City do it in front of her husband…how it opened up the relationship for them…some guys get turned on by that kind of thing but remember thinking there is no way I would masturbate in front of a man.”

    Most if not all women carry all their hurts and traumas within their pelvis causing at worst pain and at best reduced sensation.

    Please explore this area on your own and with your man if there is one in your life right. This is SO healing in so many ways.

    Men love to watch their woman masturbate, and once you get past the self-consciousness, not only is this so much fun, it makes it SO much easier to take you orgasms into your own hands lol and not worry about whether he will be able to give you one.

    Also the more you open your pelvic area and release the areas that hold, the more you will feel sexually. Bigger, more intense orgasms, multiples, and so on.

    Happy exploring.


  430.  #430Brenda on March 11, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    I feel bad about all the pain we have all endured from men, as I read our posts day after day. Some days, like today, I feel like swearing off men and just being single the rest of my life. I feel sad that there are so many jerks out there, total fools, who have the love and devotion of a good woman and throw it away.

    Those are my nasty voices speaking, but sometimes I think they’re right. I want to be a wife so much, yet I feel disgusted at all the men who have mistreated me. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time and energy on men who don’t deserve me. Why are the good men so few and far between?

    I know, it will be worth the waiting…

  431.  #431Gingersky on March 11, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    #312 FW: This makes SO MUCH sense to me… I sort of picked up on or suspected this… wow, thanks for posting. It feels VERY helpful, healing, clearing to read this.

    Also, for those who feel too sensitive to others’ energy while dating (or at any time) SLV & ? I suggest grounding yourself… energy sensitivity of the degree that spins you around, flattens you out, spaces or expands you unhealthily is in my experience (and training) ungroundedness. It’s electrical, just like a house in a way. Ask me if you want more info. There’s a simple method or two, I won’t blog it here yet.

  432.  #432Brenda on March 11, 2011 at 2:20 pm


    Beautifully said!

  433.  #433Alonka on March 11, 2011 at 2:36 pm


    #438: Yes, I am very interested. my email is tanda0802@yahoo.com. Thanks!

  434.  #434lj on March 11, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    I feel down and a little depressed right now and actually angry with myself. Here I am Friday late afternoon wondering if this weekend I will be seeing once again the guy I have been seeing the last several months on the weekend–my ex.
    Yes, I reunited with my ex back in October. I don’t really know if reuniting is what you would call it though. We were together for 4 years, then not together for a year with no communication, and then after an invite i extended to him to get a drink hoping to at least be friends, things started progressing…..what has happened is the following: we’ve been hanging out a least once a week (usually on Saturdays)…we have a great time together…and we text each other or talk a couple times each week at the most. However, who does the initiating for the most part is me…For instance, last Thursday, i asked him what his weekend plans were and told him I was free Saturday–he seemed very excited that I was available and it seemed he wanted to see me as he always does. (However, it’s rarely him asking me if I am free) Instead its more me volunteering the info myself….then we met up and he took me out to a nice meal, we had a blast, and i spent the night at his house..yes we had sex and it was great. Left Sunday…called him and talked with him Monday…..he sent me a silly text on Wednesday which i replied to later that night….i sent him a text yesterday..and he replied……..this is sorta how its been going week to week for the last several months…Mind you, we have not talked about the past…and i have not yet asked him if he is sleeping with anyone else or dating anyone else…..i guess i haven’t known how to approach this and felt like maybe i would rock the boat of what has been pretty enjoyable …however, i feel tense sometimes because i feel but i feel i need to know this..what this now is with us ….i love that we have reconnected, i love hanging out and spending time with him, and yes we have such a blast when we are together and i know he enjoys spending time with me….but what happens is, we have a great time and i’m fine for the beginning of the week, then I wonder…hmm…how does he feel…if he missed me or was thinking of me wouldn’t he call…..if he wanted to see me, is it a pattern of he thinks I’m going to let him know my availability or is it, that he always wants to play it cool and not ask me…or is it that if he really wanted to see me then he would ask me and ask in advance…i don’t know…i don’t know how to express my feelings to him …i’m so cautious of getting hurt again….how can i easily and carefuly talk to him to know what this is b/t us…is it just a friends w/benefits thing…or something more like before we broke up……i think i will feel better having gotten these answers and having a clear understanding of what’s going on here…i don’t want to assume that we are anything that we are not…
    Any advice?

  435.  #435Lucy on March 11, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Sweetpea — you are quite welcome (for the dream help). 🙂


  436.  #436Gingersky on March 11, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    #195 knocksoftly: lol xox!

    #197 Brenda: Thank you for sharing your poems… nice. They feel v good to me to read.

  437.  #437Gingersky on March 11, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    #440 Alonka: Got your email… message coming soon.

  438.  #438Jeannette on March 11, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    Brenda, I know what you mean about swearing off men sometimes. But, I really don’t have a financial game plan to get through the rest of my life on my own. I wish I were more self sufficient! I’ll be 57 next mo. and no sight of retirement for like…..forever!

  439.  #439Gingersky on March 11, 2011 at 2:46 pm


    I read all your posts… I pray you are held softly, tenderly, tightly and supportively by forces greater, gentler, and deeper than any person, and by persons as well. You are held here, dear… loved, accepted no matter what… I remember thisbprocess you are going thru… hold on. It will get better. You will make it and get thru this.

    You are an amazing woman, and able to speak honestly, see reality, stand strongly, and be weak when that is real too. We are with you. We are here.

  440.  #440Lucy on March 11, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    I still haven’t replied to fb college guy. I still feel kinda turned off. And still feel angry about that bc – wtf? — up until a couple days ago I woulda been thrilled to finally go out with him.

    I don’t get it.

    I’m trying to experiment to see if I can make the same thing happen with WH — that is, stop caring about whether I ever hear from him again — give up on him completely — get disgusted with him — and then see if he appears out of the blue. Haha. And then I won’t want him.

    This actually sorta fits with what TN man taught me: You have to give up the Wanting before you can get to the Having.

    But what’s the point of Having it if you no longer Want it?

    Maybe this is a transition stage. Maybe when I really learn to let go of all Wanting, the man I am meant to Have will just show up. And I won’t Want him — I will just Have him and be glad of it. ???????

  441.  #441Lucy on March 11, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    It’s like I finally pushed fb college guy off my horse and rode away… and then he comes running after me and says, “Can I ride with you?”… and I’m like, “Uhhh, why would I want you on my horse? I JUST pushed you off!” I don’t know what to do.

  442.  #442T-Girl on March 11, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    @243 FW

    Those words are exactly what I needed to read right now. I have used all my past mistakes as lessons and have not been doing those same mistakes with SexyOlderGuy (except for the occasional lean forward “how are you” text). Yes, he is withdrawing again, rubber band man syndrome, but my action has been inaction. One of these days he is going to see how great and drama-free I am LOL!

  443.  #443Lucy on March 11, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    Kaitlyn, how are you doing? Your situation with Adam has been on my mind a lot….


  444.  #444Ladybird on March 11, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    SLV, I’ve scrolled back through the posts and realise I mis-read your response to Brenda about wasp spray as I was speed reading to catch up. I feel sorry to have upset you as that was certainly not my intention. However, I feel you do come across as very funny/hilarious on here and that was meant as a compliment.

  445.  #445tinque on March 11, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    “You are moving AGAIN? That is tuff to go thru! What was the heavenly music you heard?”

    yep…but it’s all good, a lovely cottage this time on a huge piece of property, gardening here we come.

    the thing is we’ll probably move again in a year or so, but when that happens, it will be a buy situation, in other words, we’ll have a home again which is ours.

    the music was a little known symphony which is never performed, so what a treat. it’s Gorecki’s 3rd symphony, The Symphony of Sorrowful Songs.


  446.  #446malaikah on March 11, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    Gingersky 438: I’m interested!
    My email is malaikah37@gmail.com 🙂

  447.  #447Lercomari on March 11, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    @Alonka #403
    Thank you for the encouragement. 🙂 I’m glad that my feelings came out in an articulate way. I felt more confident since I was using feeling messages.

    @Brenda 416
    Yes that’s pretty much all I said. He had more to say but I just focused on my own words. I said the bit about his girlfriend out of my feelings toward him…we always want to protect the things we love. It seems like an out-of-place thing to say now that I read it again. But thanks for confirming that I did say the right thing for the most part.
    Today I looked myself in the mirror and gave myself a hug, and kissed my arm. This triggered me. I thought, why do I feel uncomfortable kissing my arm? I asked my mirror image, “Do you feel like you don’t learn to love yourself?” I thought about this, and hugged myself tighter. “It’s okay to love yourself, Lercomari,” I said, “Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself.” This made my eyes water with tears. I think I will have a lot to talk about in therapy next week.

  448.  #448Mel on March 11, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    So funny!

    Suddenly I get a text from hubby asking if I want to go out dancing. WTF? Why the turnaround?

  449.  #449T-Girl on March 11, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    The excitement is finally starting to kick in as I get ready for my date with my new “Giddy as a Schoolboy” CD! Wish me luck!

  450.  #450Boomer on March 11, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Tinque, 436:

    “Most if not all women carry all their hurts and traumas within their pelvis causing at worst pain and at best reduced sensation.”

    So…….what does it mean for a woman who orgasms when the wind picks up slightly and who puts the “mmmmmm” in multi????

    I swear, if I have any more orgasms in my life, my pelvis is going to explode!

    Although I have recurring UTI and kidney issues…are you aware of any spiritual/past implications for those sorts of health issues?

    I know there are some Reiki practitioners/believers here. What do you think?

  451.  #451Lisi on March 11, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Hello WORLD!

    Here’s this afternoon’s text convo with M:

    Him: Hello

    Me Hello

    Him: Who is this? LMAO

    Me: The now irritated woman who once graced your bed.

    Him: How come u irritated? Wait my fault right

    Me: I don’t like requesting contact over & over. And I need daily contact with a sexual relationship. I am an emotional creature. I fee unhappy & unheard.

    Him: I am sorry that I have been absent as much as I have been. Four days is a long time without a hello. U are right. U should not have to request contact.

    Me: Thank you. I appreciate hearing that. I feel skeptical, though. I need reassurance.

    Him: I would presume so.

    Me: I would like to be back to feeling happy with each other. I enjoy that so much more. 🙂

    Him: how?

    Me: What would you like to do?

    Him: hang out this week end for sure.

    Me: I’m up for that.

    Him: Lunch break?

    Me: Today? I have work in 45 min.

    Him: Just a thought.

    Me: A nice thought. I like it. I have to go. I’m open to week end plans.

    Him: K

    I’m really proud of myself. I didn’t blame or attack. I stayed in my feelings and my needs. I let him react how ever he wanted to my statements of what’s inside me.

    I think it’s interesting that he starts with, “Wait, my fault, right?”

    He knows good and well it’s been 4 days since the last conversation we had in which I said I need more contact if I’m sleeping with someone.

    My staying in my feelings eliminates the game playing.

    A-HA! No game playing.

    I LIKE IT!!!!


  452.  #452Izzy on March 11, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    I’ve been reading your blog for about 4 months and this is my first post. I’m 31 years old and I just ended my 3 and a half years relationship. This was my first long term relationship so it was a great learning experience. It was worth it, even if just for learning Rori’s teachings. I never totally accepted this guy because of certain “social” differences. He was thought of a loser by my girlfriends because he is struggling in his professional life. He is 32. But he is faithful, loyal, values family, is athletic. He is a good guy. A few months after we met we both started changing our professional lives. He got laid off his job that wasn’t paying him good money anyway (he majored in advertising) and decided to became a martial arts instructor. As for me, I’m a business major, worked for a large bank for 6 years but decided I wanted more money and more free time. So I quit my job and started studying for a government position. The tests are hard and I’ve been in this path for over 2 years. That means no money and very little free time. I also got distant from my friends because of the little money and also feeling embarrassed for not being as successful as them and not passing the tests as fast as I thought I could.
    Before I met this guy, I was very cynical with men and relationships. I was very closed off and I didn’t feel supported and cared for when I was at my lowest with him. I got angry and resentful. He stayed through all that. I felt like breaking up 3 times but didn’t. Then I started learning feeling messages and we finally, FINALLY, started talking. But I still didn’t feel the connection I wanted. This past month, he started getting distant. He stopped taking care of things in my apartment as he used to, he didn’t kiss me as much, but was still kind. This past holiday we went to the beach together. He was distant, but nice. After we came back he brought my luggage to my apartment and before he left I said I really liked the weekend, it was very relaxing, but I felt him being distant. And I said if something has changed I would like to know. He said he cared about me, but it felt more like friendship now. We kept talking about us and then he got silent. I felt he was preparing to tell me something. He said he started having feelings for some other woman. She is one of her students. I met her and her boyfriend. He said he was confused. They never had anything and he doesn’t even know how she feels about him. I asked what he wanted to do. He said he would like some time off to figure out how he feels. And this coming from a guy who has always said he doesn’t believe in time off. I said that would not feel good to me. I said I wanted a men who was absolutely sure he wanted to be with me. And then we decided to part ways. I got his things that were in my apartment and gave them to him and I asked him to get my things that were in his apartment and leave them with the door men. As he was waiting for the elevator he said: I miss you already. I went to the theater that night to watch Birdcage with my girlfriends and after that I stopped by his house and got my things. And that was it. I felt so proud of myself to not accept being friends while he makes up his mind and also for starting a conversation that ended up with him telling me the truth of what was going on. What I’m most proud of is the confidence that I do have the ability to have an intimate relationship now. That is new for me!

    I didn’t sleep at all that night, even with the sleeping pills I’m taking because I’m losing my nerves over my tests. The next morning I had a message on my inbox from my first boyfriend of 13 years ago. We started getting in touch by email a year ago, but only a message every 1-2 months. He is married, has a kid and is having trouble with his marriage. I started using feeling messages with him and he surprisingly opened up. He said he doesn’t talk about his marriage with his friends and that his job has hardened him emotionally (his is a firefighter). He also said that he can’t handle himself and that causes pain to the other person. Wow! He usually took 1 or 2 months to answer to my emails and this time the took 2 weeks and the very day I broke up with my boyfriend. To me it was validation that I can have a man open up to me. Some other interesting thing that happened today was a guy that was trying to sell windshield wipers at the stop sign. I said I really am not interested. He then reached for the windshield to show me the wipers wore worn off and that I needed new ones. I looked at him and said: “I feel a little pressured”. His reaction was the best: “ohhhh, really? Ohh…. Next time then when you feel calmer you can stop by. God bless you”. And there I was feeling taken care of by the stop sign salesman! How awesome are feeling messages?
    I have felt all kinds of feelings today. I felt headache, my chest tighten, a knot in my throat, a cold in my stomach… and I also felt relief, freedom, and then I felt it easier to breathe and I felt confident that I can create intimacy with a man. I try not to let the negative feelings to stay for too long.
    Now I need to experience circular dating. But the thing is: I don’t know if I want marriage. The word marriage has a negative appeal to me. I’m not sure about kids either. I want to find out what I want soon, because I don’t want to waste my time and I don’t want to regret later, especially about kids. I want a life partner and to feel loved, desired, taken care of, safe, awesome sex life, personal growth through another person and all that. I just have a hard time calling that marriage. How do I find out if that is what I want? Do I need to find that out before I circular date or do I circular date with the purpose to find out what I want?

  453.  #453tinque on March 11, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    “Suddenly I get a text from hubby asking if I want to go out dancing. WTF? Why the turnaround?”

    That’s hoe it works Mel. You’ve been working on shifting your energy, and he feels this and responds.

  454.  #454Carolinagrl on March 11, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Gingersky 438: I’m interested

    My email is carolinagrl.2005@gmail.com

  455.  #455tinque on March 11, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    Boomer – All I can say is lucky you, and more than a few women would be jealous.

    As for recurring UTIs associated with kidney issues (they’re the same), you are apparently ultra sensitive in that area. Keeping your diet more to the acidic as in cranberry juice and always peeing after sex is important.

    Probiotics are also good.


  456.  #456Mel on March 11, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    It just makes me laugh that he had absolutely no interest in spending time with me today until I decided to go out on my own. Funny how that works hey?!

    And dancing yet! You don’t know how many times I’ve asked him to dance (at weddings etc.) and he’s said no thanks. This is crazy!!

    This will be super fun! Hooray for womanly powers!

  457.  #457Darling Ella on March 11, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Lisi: #459

    Great job Lisi 🙂 I loved the convo 🙂 Yay…celebrate it