Here’s a problem from Emma I’d like to put out for your wonderful comments.  I’ll let Emma speak for herself:

“Dear Rori, I have been going out with my boyfriend for 3 months, but we really get on well. A few weeks ago, he asked me to marry him. That weekend, we had sex without protection, as we both want children soon, and we were on our way to getting married, after all.

At the end of the weekend, we collected my daughter, who’s 8, beautiful and well-behaved, to spend Sunday night at his place before going home in the morning. He was a bit quiet during the evening, and later admitted that he was having difficulty dealing with the prospect of sharing his house with someone else’s child. She had already stayed at his place several times, and they get on very well.

Now, I’m pregnant, and he says his 1st preference would be for me to have an abortion so we can continue our relationship and re-consider whether we want to marry, but that if I really don’t want an abortion, we can move in together and get married as previously planned, that he’ll honor his responsibilities. However, I can see that he doesn’t want this. He’s very wealthy and 42. I’m less wealthy but I have a career and no financial problems. I’m 36. I really wanted his baby, but don’t want to trap him. I don’t want an abortion.

I love him, but I’m hurt by his view on this. I don’t want to make things worse. We talked about this nearly all weekend, and he said he was tired of talking about it as he’d already given me the options (one of which was to live with him and he honor his promise). I want to do this, but only if he’s sure, as I don’t want him feeling under duress. What do I say to him? Emma”

Here’s my answer to Emma, and then I’d like to open this discussion up to you for comments:

Emma – I don’t want to tell you what to do, but here’s my take:

You can’t make him love you more than he does. You can’t make him want to live with you more than he does.You can’t make him want to marry you more than he does. You can only do that by inspiring him to want all this for HIMSELF – and it has to be HIS idea. (My Siren program is all about creating this deep kind of attraction…)

At 3 months, you are at the very crossroads of when a relationship has a chance to turn real, and so the timing is confusing for him, and that’s why he’s getting cold feet. (Did you see the movie “Sex And The City” where Big gets cold feet?  And we STILL liked his character – because he wasn’t a bad person – just terrified and weak?)

Emma – by talking about what you should do – endlessly, although he’s already made his offer of marriage – and hinging YOUR actions on HIS feelings – you’re just making everything worse and pushing his feelings even further away.

You’re in a pickle.  I hear that you’re hurt, but I don’t hear you talking about this child except how it relates to HIM.

Here are the priorities as I see them:

Your BABY is the first priority – not him, and not the relationship.

And then – you must focus on YOURSELF, and not on him or the relationship.

And here are your 3 options:

1. Abortion.

If you have the abortion, the relationship is over – PERIOD.  

If you have the abortion and then try to continue the relationship, you will be badly disappointed and doubly hurt.  There will be anger, guilt, resentment – feelings you will both have that you will not be able to overcome.

So, when considering this option – If you have the abortion, and then the relationship is over – how will you FEEL?

Will you be glad you chose not to have another child and be a single mother of TWO?

Or will you forever after wish you’d gone ahead?

This is not an easy decision, and my heart goes out to you for having to make it.

2. Accept his offer to live together and possibly marry (remember ANYTHING can happen).

If you accept his offer (and I commend him for making it and sticking to it) there’s a chance you can make this work –

IF you devote yourself to YOU and the BABY and your DAUGHTER, and to sharing love with this man and enjoying being with him and having fun and laughing and great sex (yes – even pregnant), and do NOT keep worrying and talking about how HE feels, whether or not you’ve “trapped him,” and spend all your energy trying to make him happier about the situation than he actually feels – it may just be wonderful.

You CAN inspire him to be happier and enjoy you and the baby and your daughter just by being happy yourself.

3. And there’s a 3rd option that you don’t mention:Keeping the baby and just continuing to DATE this man

You are extremely fortunate in being able to have this child on your own. Yes – on your own. You can continue to date this man, give him the time and space to possibly develop feelings that would make him actually wish to marry you and be a family with you, and just see if that happens without ANY expectations while you are creating a family on your own.  He will be required to help support your child, and I’m sure he will do that.

AND he may come to want you – all THREE of you – in a stronger way than you can imagine – once he sees you managing just fine but still CHOOSING to LOVE him.

A model for this (I know it’s fantasy and a movie, but I find these things helpful) is the movie “Knocked Up.”  In it, the male character makes a HUGE change in who he is, how he sees himself, how he thinks of his life, and what he DOES because of what he WANTS.

And the female character is, though willing to be with him and develop a relationship with him, would rather be a single mother than marry unhappily.

It’s her attitude of self-reliance and self-love that inspires him to change. She does NOTHING to ask him to change – she only says what she DOESN’T want, and that’s enough.

And there you have it.

I’m not sure what I’d do.  You must try on all these options in your imagination and see which feels most right for you.  I can guarantee you, though, that trying to TURN THIS into what you want in an emotional sense will NOT WORK.  You have to inspire him to come to WANTING this, emotionally, on his own.

Please, everyone in this community, weigh in on what Emma should do…

Emma – my love and good wishes – and I KNOW that you’re going to make the right decision here and have a very happy life…Rori

10 Comments

  1.  #1ann on October 24, 2008 at 4:35 pm

    My personal suggestion to Emma would be to stay as calm as possible, follow Rori suggestions and continue in this blogging community.

    My personal experience is this: I’ve been in the situation where I was a young single mother, I moved in my boyfriend. My mother said it wouldn’t last 6 months that was over 30 years ago. I set 3 deal breaker boundaries at the front of our living together relationship. One of those was my child and I ARE a package deal. If at any time for any reason you feel you don’t/can’t accept my child then I’m sorry we won’t be able to be a couple. He assured me he did & could love and take care of both of us. When our child was born a few years later he made no difference in the children, WE then had 2 children.

    My personal feelings are men/women may come and go but a child will always be a part of their parents in this world.

    Good luck Emma please keep us updated.



  2.  #2Daria on October 24, 2008 at 10:44 pm

    Hugs to EMMA!



  3.  #3Reshi on October 24, 2008 at 11:34 pm

    My take on this–and I have never been pregnant so take my advice for the 2 cents it’s worth–is that if he’s saying that he’ll honor his promise to marry you if you decide to have the baby, then he’s stepping up. It sounds like he respects your feelings and your right to choose whether or not to have the baby. And you don’t need to worry about whether he feels trapped–if he truly did feel trapped, he would not be standing by his offer of marriage. Continuing to worry will only make things worse.

    The question is, do YOU want to marry HIM?



  4.  #4Caroline on October 25, 2008 at 7:30 am

    My instant gut reaction would have been to turn and walk away from him right then, right now! Just the mention of an abortion shows that his has a weak moral character that for me would be a deal breaker. I have made that mistake and believe me, it is the most torturous decision I ever made in my life full of longing and regret! Walking away from him would bring him about full circle and having him chasing YOU instead of you chasing him, hanging around WAITING for him to Step UP and be a man. No man is worth the life of a child unless he is man enough to be a father the instant he finds he will become one! I was married to a man who could not accept another man’s child. We gained custody of my nephews and he was not a better man for it. Trust me, if he says he can’t tolerate another man’s child that is an innate thing not something he can change.



  5.  #5Sasha on January 24, 2009 at 8:31 am

    I’m wondering how Emma’s situation has progressed…. I myself am in a similar situation; 33 years old, very independent and self sufficient and am 7 months pregnant by a “catch”, a well to do 45 year old with a near adult child of his own. His first reaction was to terminate as he was suddenly unsure of our relationship. I stood firm on abortion absolutely not being an option especially as he had talked for months of having children. He now agrees to be a part and support the life of his child, he is now, however, seeing another woman that he ” cares” about as he and I continue to discuss and navigate our future together (?) or merely as co parents to the baby we are expecting. I am sad and sick more often than not and feeling horribly guilty for not feeling the joy in this pregnancy and feeling weak for still wanting him and the fairy tale he promised. 🙁 Part of me knows I should step away and let him “man up”. I did that initially and now he feels abandoned and I feel adrift. HELP!



  6.  #6Rori Raye on January 24, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    Sasha, Welcome, and I’m so sorry you have to struggle with this – you sound like an amazing woman, and though you feel pain along with the joy of being pregnant – I know that if this is what you wanted with HIM, and you’re independent enough to be a single mother – you’re going to not only do FINE – you’re actually going to have a very cool life here.

    I want to recommend you to Allana Pratt – because she’s a single mother, is the “Sexy Mom Expert,” and has been through much of what you talk about. She’s at http://www.AllanaPratt.com – there’s a lot of stuff on her site that might resonate for you – and she coaches by phone.

    Will you keep commenting here so we can follow your progress? Love, Rori



  7.  #7James on July 13, 2009 at 1:08 am

    First off, you all have it backwards. The relationship is the priority. I’m not saying to have an abortion, neglect the baby, or yourself. Have the baby no matter what and keep yourself healthy, so that is already a given so focus on what is important – your relationship. You have to realize that this is the person that you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Him and you will have to make the relationship the number one priority and not to neglect your responsibilities that come with it. This applies to both of you. Do you think that the relationship is going to run itself? Do you think by neglecting each other and giving attention to your kids leaving the most important one in your life out will turn out? Why do you think the divorce rate is so high in America? You and your spouse are suppose to set an example for your children. Common sense will lead you to answer the question, “Will this relationship run itself?”

    Everyone is entitled by their opinion and I respect that. It’s the potential outcome you have to look at. So lets take a look at your situation. Your instinct clearly tells you that he is leaning to not wanting any of this, why? only he knows. The most important thing in a relationship is communication. First ask yourself some questions: Are you guys at a point where you can talk about anything? (just like best friends) if not how can you get to this point?

    He is telling you right now that he will honor his commitment no matter what happens. This shows integrity and the right thing to do in his mind. However, he will resent you for the rest of his life thus asking you to have an abortion to avoid this type of suffuring he will incur. He will never love you if he grows to hate you. He will become distant and your relationship may not last. So now it is now sounding like a lose lose situation right? nope, you still have a chance. Two options are to live with this person for the rest of your life or not. So what is his and your number one priority be? (remember you are gong to give life no matter what and you are going to take care of yourself – just like breathing a choice already made). Communicate and build the life lasting relationship each and everyday. Know and share everything with each other so you both can address each other’s issue’s. Treat him as if he was your best friend long after he becomes your husband. When you marry you become “one.” Give your children a chance to learn what a real family is suppose to be.



  8.  #8Rori Raye on July 14, 2009 at 9:47 am

    James – Welcome, and I love the “best friend” and communication insights in your comment. There’s this, though. We women actually DO forget about ourselves. And that makes us very unattractive to you men. We put our focus on you and the relationship in a way that pushes you away emotionally and physically. In order to right the dynamic now – we have to learn to love ALL of ourselves – not just do “survival” with ourselves. This is a huge issue, and thank you for opening it up. Rori



  9.  #9Lace on May 9, 2011 at 10:22 pm

    I am also wondering what solution Emma went with and if she found happiness in her direction. I am 29 years old and my boyfriend is 36 years old we have been together for almost 4 years. We are 6 months pregnant. Everything started off good we were happy to be pregnant even though he was and still is jobless and i was undergoing an apprenticeship to be a tattoo artist. a few months after becoming pregnant I decided I no longer wanted to be a tattoo artist. He had a hard time with this saying “why quit what your good at” and “why quit on our plan of making extra money” to this day he does not understand and holds a grudge. It didnt end there after becoming pregnant everyone started judging him for not having a job and pushing the issue on me which i did not have a strong issue with I trusted him to get a job eventually. I ended up letting everything everyone was saying bother me and cause argument after argument between me and him. Now he says I was not there for him which i can see now and that he loves me but is not in love with me. He hasn’t said he is leaving and he still makes plans as if we are staying together but he has become very distant. After we found out we were pregnant he lost his house and I had to move to my sisters and he to his grandmothers garage. Now my sister can’t afford me in her house of 4 kids and a husband. I dont have much family to lean on and he says i just add stress after stress for him. I try to not be pushy and I’ve been giving him his space. I fear its too late for him to fall in love with me again.



  10.  #10Dalton on July 6, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    Yo, that’s what’s up trutflhluy.