If You Feel Like You’re Under Attack – Stop Fighting This Way

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This is in honor of you wonderful women who post here and sometimes feel so strongly that you draw “fire.” (You know who you are…if you’re not sure, let me know in a comment)…

I’m totally awed by you.

In general: The bigger you get, the more you will draw fire.

So -Thank you so much for venting and getting all those feelings out…

…and if I were working with you privately – I’d say something like this: I’m so glad you got that out of your system – and now — tell me how you feel.

Did it make you feel better and released and relieved, or did all that time and research and writing and thinking required to make a great point-by-point argument for ANYTHING actually make you feel deeper down the rabbit hole of feeling tied into the person you’re talking to?

Someone who triggers us that deeply is very important to us – and can be HUGE for your healing.

A charge this big that would make any of us write for days about it and think about it and work through it is a huge gift.

The goal here is to work with the triggering until you are actually past it…until you have no more charge.

THEN – you walk away.

For here, since everyone’s writing will be there, you simply scroll over what you don’t like – it’s like being in the “band” with your ex.

And if that doesn’t work for you – please do what you’d do with a man – ask for “no contact.”

What that looks like here is ask the person to never again mention you in a comment or comment on anything you say…this would be the “Don’t contact me” thing you’d do with a man.  (Though, I’d be curious to see if that feels worse than just scrolling past – so if any of you have been involved in a “dust-up” please let me know what feels best to you.)

The day I stopped looking at my negative emails (there were such nasty ones when I was reading them all myself that I’d be upset for days over each one…and I’d feel like I needed to respond….it’s very PAINFUL!!!) – I felt instant relief.

The thing is – when you put yourself out there with an opinion, as I do, people react.

ALL of us are wired to constantly make whatever our deepest beliefs are right.

We spend our precious energy defending our beliefs, and we set ourselves up as much as we can to prove how right we are.

Even if it means having a crappy life – we’ll work hard to make our belief that “all I can have is a crappy life” right.

And I was constantly getting triggered and the thought in my head “Who am I to be reaching so many people?” was constantly getting reinforced by the negative emails –  just as reality was giving me more and more reinforcement that I was being successful.

The conflict was very, very stressful.

I had to learn to believe that I was successful, and that it was okay, and that I deserved it, and that I had something to offer. Massive change in my head.

And now – the “charge” on the negative things I read about me or hear is nearly non-existent.

Instead, I feel curious about the person attacking me.

I feel frightened, often…and then I feel angry, and then it sort of turns to compassion and the “charge” disappears.

I go to feeling peaceful a lot more quickly now.

And I don’t honestly know how I could have gotten there without being so constantly triggered, challenging myself, being in the face of people telling me what I could and couldn’t do.

When I was becoming Rori Raye, there was NO one out there doing this – no one using the internet the way I was learning and experimenting with…I had no models. My family had no idea what I was doing and thought I was deluding myself.

So – this is my basis for understanding the urge to challenge someone’s impression of us.

And I just want to say brava to anyone exploring your insides…and I encourage you to see what the charge is and ask yourself:

“What would make me feel better if I could do absolutely nothing about another person?

(And – let’s leave walking away out of the list of options, because you already know you can. You can walk away from here easy – but it might not be so easy to leave a man.)

So see if you can find the relationship between what’s going on here and what goes on with a man – at the worst of times.

I want to make this safe…so – again – please – Feeling Messages. And yet, I find this “attack” scenario terrifically helpful for us all to look through and read through.

Remember this – it’s only words.

If someone attacks you – it’s only words. You are still safe. And yet, I know…it doesn’t FEEL safe.

When you feel the need to attack someone else, or to defend yourself against someone else’s perceived attack (and I say “perceived” because I prefer to say that what feels like an attack is possibly a “call for love”…) – what’s actually happening is that you’re reinforcing your own inner compulsion to attack yourself, and reinforcing your belief IN attack.

It creates bigger and bigger defenses and walls and more and more need to create more defenses.

It sort of creates a belief in attack as a viable way of being. It sort of focuses on that in your life. It gets all the inner parts of yourself into attack “mode.”

If you can refocus and reframe everything around either love or not love – the scenario changes.  The charge changes.

If you’re going to go “big” in this world, and really, truly express your deepest, most authentic self – which is what I want for all of you –  yes, you may  trigger others and draw “fire” as they use their experience with you to heal themselves.

It’s all either “the same-old-same-old” or it’s healing.

It’s seeing anything that comes at you as either “an attack” or a “call for love.”  I’ve made my choice – and I’d love to hear how you might experiment with that here.

And, again – Feeling Messages and no opinions or judgments are SO helpful!

Stay OUT of arguments, and instead – see how the arguing makes you feel.

Arguing usually feels very upsetting for everyone – and yet many of us are raised with arguing AS an expression of love!

Even with Feeling Messages, we’re going to feel bad when we’re not adored, when we’re disagreed with, or unacknowledged.

Let’s Heal THAT!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Femininewoman on June 27, 2011 at 7:11 am


    Arguing usually feels very upsetting for everyone – and yet many of us are raised with arguing AS an expression of love!

  2.  #2Kyla on June 27, 2011 at 7:34 am

    “We spend our precious energy defending our beliefs, and we set ourselves up as much as we can to prove how right we are.”

    I find the closed fists / opening your hands exercise SO simple and helpful when I feel triggered. I have to let go of the other person so I can focus on how I’m feeling and process my own stuff.

  3.  #3lj on June 27, 2011 at 8:07 am

    Just curious, I was unable to read anymore info on the “tell the truth to a man” blog. There were no comments listed and it wouldn’t allow me to enter a comment. I’d really like to hear what people thought about that one. I think it is such a struggle for women, especially me at times, to open up to a guy and let him know how I feel and what is bothering me. I feel afraid and i hate that feeling. I expect and want honesty from a man but I feel that sometimes I am lying to myself and not being honest to him by holding back feelings. Anyway, this is a big issue with me and was just curious to see comments on that post and couldn’t find them. Was this just a closed post were people couldn’t comment? wasn’t sure?

  4.  #4Femininewoman on June 27, 2011 at 8:11 am

    Ij I would look at what I am telling myself and believing about the relationship that might be feeding the fear.

    Comments for that particular article was put on the one before.

  5.  #5Ella on June 27, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Oh I just saw my ex (Mr Barman) who I was with at Christmas and for a couple of months after, at the local petrol station, with his new girlfriend.

    I sawa them briefly at the pub on Sat and it made me feel crappy then but this was face to face in the cold light of day.

    She ignored me and kinda walked off and he stopped and made pleasantries and left.

    I finished it with him and yet I still feel something.

    Bumping into them did NOT feel good. And then they walked off back to the pub arm in arm.

    Humph… I know whatever happens is supposed to be for the best, and yet at the moment I really feel like it is one blow after another…

    Or just too much to cope with.

    probably seeing the negative here only… just with my housemate having a relationship with Stripper Lady, the guy the other week reactinig to my FMs and disappearing, then the events of the weekend with the guy from school who liked me and then switched to his ex… and then the date from Sat sending that icky text this morning.

    To be honest I feel a bit low.

    I know that CD-ing and the tools are also there to weed out the ones who can’t step up.

    And I suppose really its all ok.

    And today I just feel crappy and low. Bit wallowy and sorry for myself.

    I switched it earlier, and that was good, in fact I was proud of how I had processed my negative feelings and got through to feeling positive.

    And then I got faced with Mr Ex.


    And I felt low again.

    Oh well F it, hopefully not for long.


    Maybe focus on all the guys who do like me… and the good stuff that has happened.

    Somtimes just feels like I must still be doing stuff terribly wrong. Or have a horrible vibe about me that just puts guys off.

    NO, gonna challenge that one. That is a silly, not true belief.

    Its kinda like what Rori says above about how she had to change in her head to really believe that she was successful. And how even when all the evidence pointed to the fact that she was, until she changed that in her head and psychy it was an on-going struggle.

    That is exactly how it feels to me when I think about guys liking me. Or that I am beautful, desirable and wanted…

    All the evidence says I am, and somehow I just don’t quite believe it, and find the things that prove I am not… and dwell on them…

    Ie the men that don’t work out, like Rori dwelling on the negative e-mails that came.

    Ick… no no Ella.

    Lets choose positive.

    Its just right now I am feeling low and vulnerable and not picked and second choice and not good enough.

    And it feels like icy, heavy in stomach and I don’t know what.

    I can’t be bothered anymore.

    I am really fed up.

    And now Wow, there is some anger.

    Wow I am feeling really angry. And that feels like red darts in my stomach.

  6.  #6Ella on June 27, 2011 at 9:41 am

    I don’t know… I’m like ‘so what? the ketamine habit has magically disappeared now has it? And you are able to have a relationship with this girl? Yo said you loved me and you wanted to marry me. I told you to come find me if you were able to sort out your issues.’

    I feel pissed.

    F8ck you and F8ck Mr ex from London who is also marryinig someone else.

    I hate you all.

    Not really but I feel f8cken ANGRY!!!


  7.  #7DE on June 27, 2011 at 10:16 am

    Wow, i thought a blog will be created on this…interesting though, why couple of months later?

    I like to see that Rori is as human as I am…with my faults and triggers…and i like to see how she’s overcome many of them …i feel very inspired indeed …

    Lately, my own NVs have been challenging me…:( Fighting them one by one…through feeling them…yet, i know some require consistency and action on my part too…just feeling them is not enough…since some of them are an attack on my personal integrity…:(

    This is part of my “curriculum” for the summer…

  8.  #8Femininewoman on June 27, 2011 at 10:24 am

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    PS: Do you feel ANGER about yourself and your relationships?

    Well, that’s a sign that you’re working too hard to make love happen for you. And here’s the scarier part: doing too much for a man is a sure way to DRIVE HIM AWAY.

  9.  #9DE on June 27, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Thank u for posting this FW…I feel excited the online programs…

    I have Modern Siren…and two other programs…

    I feel disappointed that I no longer receive the Rori’s newsletters…:( and it’s been a while 🙁

  10.  #10Ella on June 27, 2011 at 10:36 am

    Feel icky, feel sad.


    icky in stomach.

    Gonna watch modern Siren again when I get home.

    I feel like a lost case atm.

  11.  #11Lilybelle on June 27, 2011 at 11:15 am

    I can’t comment on this article…everything I want to say would come out wrong..or hateful and I am not that way at all.

    I would like to share an experience from the move last weekend.

    I had two masculine men helping me plus a girlfriend and #1 Guy. In the beginning, I wanted to let my boy out to play, direct and in a way, control how things were going to get done. And then, I stopped, suddenly. I reminded myself that I had three capable men here, wanting to be men and that I should go ahead and let my girl out. I did just that and they took complete control and took care of me. It was fabulous. I even said to my girlfriend..”they just want to be the men they are so I’m letting them; they will take care of everything”. She and I both just fell into girl mode while our boys came out to do the work and it was a fabulous day.

    And, it was an observation I would not have made had I not be learning and growing.

    ~lilybelle. 🙂

  12.  #12lj on June 27, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    Thanks femininewoman and thanks also for the post about the online modern siren…

  13.  #13Daria on June 27, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    i’m meeting men who seem to be super into me and

    i notice myself thinking… they wont want me once they figure out im really serious about not committing to anything before marriage

    bec i had a few men walk away about that – one i felt strong attraction to, and didn’t even get to meet –

    they are gonna fall in love and get really hurt, and i feel afraid…

    of getting attached myself and then feeling the rip tear of feeling abandoned

    this is how i feel with Hawkman

    i just seem to be noticing men as vulnerable and strongly drawn to me yet

    i imagine them blanking out their feelings and going cold to protect their hearts because

    well …

    i feel GUILTY

    i WILL break their hearts, unless they are my future husband!

    i tell myself this is good for them, they will grow,

    but i feel afraid too that i will feel bad WHEN they turn and leave

    i think they will turn and leave


    i feel afraid of feeling heartbroken myself



    i feel incredulous that a man would really like me that much that he not only WANTS to marry me in fantasy but would actually follow me all over the world and support my dreams and would actually be ABLE to provide me the lifestyle i want

    and what about me providing me the lifestyle i want?

    well i have a lifestyle that feels comfortable

    i DO want more

    and i feel concerned for when i start having my family

    i want four children right away…

    and… i dont know all that i would need to feel comfortable in that situation

    AND i dont need to

    i cant control the future



    i feel AFRAID!

    waah waah waah

  14.  #14Daria on June 27, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    i feel all restless

    no text yet from hawkman showing up

    and this guy who was supposed to call from last nite… i dont know if he did or not bec my phone was dead earlier

    i can switch this energy!

    it felt uncomfortable in the house hearing my mom and my dad’s “arguing” energy

    now it feels a lil better that my dad left

    i can do my miraculous EFT!


    i can manifest amazing things as has been working for me lately! woo hooo

  15.  #15Ella on June 27, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    Oh sugar Siren,

    I really need some help.

    You know Pubman.

    Just got a message from his girlfriend asking whether I have slept with him in the last year. She says please be honest as she is trying to decide what to do about being in a relationship with him.

    The truh is I haven’t sleptr with him… but as you know, there has been something going on.

    What do I do? I feel bad for her and I don’t really want to be involved.


    Do I answer? What do I say?

  16.  #16Ella on June 27, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    PS I don’t know her… She found me on FB and she has seen the messages between him and me!!

  17.  #17Daria on June 27, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Ella – hmm… how do you feel? what a cool opportunity to heal lots of voices and stuff!!!

    as far as answering… well, i wouldn’t

  18.  #18Daria on June 27, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Fe me ye

  19.  #19Ella on June 27, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Hey Daria,

    I feel guilty, and mean.

    And I feel sorry for her.

    And tense/tight.

    Feel like I want to be honest with her and feel afraid of the consequences.

  20.  #20Daria on June 27, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Ella – i dont know what to say, i would definitely love on me

    mean is not a feeling, … what is it? maybe unworthy?

    you feel compassionate towards her…

    how are you feeling towards you? i would want to make sure i am putting myself first

    these kinds of situations trigger me strongly to shutdown, coldness and defense…

    Thank you for sharing about it!!

    my main feeling would be : FEAR

    i wouldnt feel safe being asked something that personal by someone i don’t know

  21.  #21Daria on June 27, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    i also feel some kind of anger being asked that

    i feel like ripping her apart
    or closing off

    and i feel guilty for that

    and compassionate

    lots of intense feelings!

    i love my intense feelings

    i love my fury at being contacted by a woman

    i love my insecurity that i dont deserve to be pursued by a man (who may have other women attached to him)

    i love my coldness that is wanting to protect me

    i love all of me

    and im in charge

    im gonna give this happiness a shot

    with all my voices in tow

    how does daria imagine she would feel?

    whoa… this feels weird… i feel frightened… and i feel compassionate for you, and this doesnt feel comfortable for me to discuss

    and… actually… i feel angry

    i dont want to participate in this

  22.  #22Daria on June 27, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    Ella – i feel triggered in a particular way… very frightened and then shut down and ANGRY

    but you may feel different

  23.  #23Daria on June 27, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    i feel furious that someone would contact me and ask about my relationship with a man

    someone who does NOT (i think) have my best interests at heart

    ew! get away from me, i will not sacrifice myself for your snivelling victimness

    i dont care about your feelings!!!

    and i feel guilty now


    this feels icky

    i feel compassionate for you too

    but i feel uncomfortable being asked this by you


    i feel furious

    how dare you?!!!

    dont you know who i am

    i am a woman who does not give a ffuchk about yoru imaginary relationship with a man


    kick kick kick off me

    i feel afraid

    and i feel icky

    and i feel compassion that you seem to be throwing away your power

    and exhilaration that obviously you are not creating a healthy relationship and

    i feel jealous and competitive with you

    and i also dont want this

    i feel like hot fire is being thrown over onto my head

    hi wow

    i see you must have thought it was your business who i sleep with since this man you like is interested in me

    but its still not your business

    i feel ANGRY

    wow this common scenario feels very convoluted

    so here is this junkie person who is having an unhealthy relationship and then goes outside of that to tap into MY energy

    the junkie person says they want my help to make a decision

    but i think that the decision was to be made before it even got to this junkie level

    that even if i offer my personal info and my compassion, it may not change the situation for the junkie person

    or it may

    how can i express my feelings AND compassion?

    so as to NOT attack?

    hi… wow! this feels frightening… i feel angry being asked such a personal question… and … you seem so upset, i feel compassion for you… it would feel good to have everything feeling happy and lovely for everyone soon.


  24.  #24FlowerChild77 on June 27, 2011 at 1:53 pm


    I’m sure I will be “corrected” or disagreed with or something…but for me, being honest with this other woman (who is obviously as confused as you were by this man’s lies and games) would feel good.

    If you were her, would you not want to know that the guy you think is truthful and honest and “loves you” is canoodling with another woman he meets at the bar….going home with her, kissing her, falling asleep in each others’ arms? And telling her that he is going to leave you for her? (Or whatever the particular lies happen to be.)

    I know I’ll be ‘shot down’ for saying this—but, seriously, this woman is basically asking you if this man can be trusted. I think she deserves to know what he was doing behind her back. (NO judgement on you, as he was lying/avoiding/evading the truth while he spent time with you also.)

    He played you both…maybe she just needs a Siren to help her see it so she can move on <3

  25.  #25Ella on June 27, 2011 at 1:55 pm


    I do fel fear. A great deal of it… about what will happen if I communicate with her… what will happen if I don’t.

    I feel hateful towards myself if I am honest. I feel unworthy.

    However you put into a feeling that I feel like a bad person for being part of this.

    I feel judgemental of myself for allowing this and seeing someone who had a g,friend (even though I didn’t know until recently).

    I feel defensive. Tight in throat and closed off.

    Some part of me feels some relief that SOMETHING has shifted in this dynamic, and a part of me feels competitive and like maybe I can have him now (but that is like the smallest part and also I don’t really want him as things are now cus I wouldn’t feel safe with him).

    But yes there is some feeling of competative.

    I feel angry. I feel nervous and afraid.

    I feel under pressure.

    I feel like crying and I don’t want this.

  26.  #26Daria on June 27, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    i do NOT have to take the “conventional” cliche, movie way of making a big deal and gettnig all involved in the drama of the “other woman contacting me”

    just writing that i feel hte hot redness boiling in me, and i feel

    frightened, challenged, angry, ready to fight

    fight fight

    in the ring!

    and i dont have to go there! even if i trained myself to in the past, i can change it

    i can focus on my feelings

    i can give this situation the shrunken platform of importance it deserves

    wooh! a text from another woman


    guilt… thats my clue those are nvs in there, that i am somehow responsible for her happiness

    when in truth i have my power in my life, and she has her power in hers!

    and that is honorable

    and i feel angry getting this message from her

    wooh riff more

    just cuz shes suffering and desperate does not make it OK to dump that energy on others, like me

    why do i think its ok?

    to get into someone elses business, because im feeling desperate and attached

    its the “romantic” hollywood notion, of pain in love, etc

    eff that

    i dont want that

    whats happening here is

    just as if a man was asking me have i slept with whats his face

    ouch fear, a feeling of fear, thought “this is not healthy”

    the hot redness

    like a shame,

    and yet feeling compassionate for the other person

    while also feeling jealous, competitive, mistrustufl, afraid, feel like strangling them

    blanjkness in brain

    feel like letting the loud voices “run me”

    loving me me me

    loving all of me

    wow that doesn’t feel good being asked that, i feel frightened, and angry. and i feel compassionate for you in this situation… it feels awful to feel attached to someone and feel mistrustful and insecure and unsure… i wouldnt want to feel like that with a man, and id feel inspired to hear instead of a woman feeling happy and powerful in their love life…

    have you checked out blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com?

    its helped me so much



  27.  #27Daria on June 27, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Ella – GREAT! celebrate those feelings!

    would you not date a man who was a rockstar because his groupies wanted him?

    gf means nothing

    him telling me… “i have a gf” well that feels icky and bad and i dont even wnat to HEAR of other women so i feel uncomfortable with this man…

    that’s different

    and so you put youself in a situation of hearing that and you didn’t walk away … so what

    you are experimenting

    this is your life

    you owe no one explanations for why you accept the attentions of men you accept attentions from

    this feels SCARY

    because it is unhealthy for someone to come out and ask You about your personal business with a man

    this is super romanticized in magazines, movies, etc… pop culture knowledge

    but really its an unhealthy, junkie behavior,

    just like looking through his phone

    and you DONT have to deal with it

    oh i feel so angry again!!

  28.  #28Ella on June 27, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Flowerchild yes and a big part of me thinks this too.

    And then another part of me (that I have developed since finding Rori) also thinks this is just drama.

    For me now if I can’t trust a man I would not feel safe to have a relationship with him and would keep away.

    She knows there is something going on, she has seen the messages.

    Part of me believes it is between him and her and I don’t want to get drawn in.

    And the other part does feel a lot of compassion towards her and kinda like just telling her… from my point of view.

  29.  #29Daria on June 27, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Ella – “i feel hateful towards myself if i am honest”

    maybe i feel shame of having put myself in a situation where this could happen to me

    or i feel angry at myself for putting myself in a stiation like this…

    accepting the attentions of a man where there are bundles of drama attached taht don’t feel good


    i feel angry atht i did that to myself

    i love me!

  30.  #30Daria on June 27, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    How dare she contact my ELLA!!!



    ask that man you so want ???

    why are you reaching out and frightening my baby with your junkie behavior

    i feel RAGEFUL AT YOU!!!!


  31.  #31Daria on June 27, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    wow, i actually feel excited to read your question, i feel attracted to this man and i dont feel comfortable dating him when theres another woman in the picture… i get the impression your connection with him is in trouble… is this true? it would feel great to date him when he’s free

    NOW! this is like the mirror image of what she’s aksing i think

    it sounds different from MY side huh!

    thats me, looking otu for MY desires, the way she wants to look out for hers

    but i bet shed boil over if i sent her that


    i feel excited

    bring it on

    fight fight

    and yet its honest too, and how i feel

    except,, i dont really need her to answer is it true

    because im assuming it is anyways

  32.  #32Daria on June 27, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    on one level i see her message as shes basically like: hey i want this man. can you help me? eff YOUR feelings by the way (MY connection with this man takes precedence)

  33.  #33Ella on June 27, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    This is what she said to me in the message:

    “Have you slept with my boyfriend stevan carey in the last year. i need to no this as i saw a massage on his facebook from you talking about missing eachother and booty calls. please answer honestly so i can decide what i want to do about being in a relationship with him”

    And then a second one saying

    “I dont know u. u dont no me. But i need know please think about how u would feel if the situation was reversed”

  34.  #34Daria on June 27, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    no biatch, i dont want to help you! i feel angry!!!

    how about

    wow, i feel attracted to this man too! are you going to stop dating soon? i would feel so excited! im really feeling confused considering whether to date him, i felt hesitant knowing he was dating another woman… i like 100% of a man’s attention…

    so… what do YOU think? im trying to make an important decision, and don’t want to allow him to date me if you think its going to get better between you two


    this feels fun!

    it also feels “urgent” so i know its my voices talking

    i love me

    ill get there, to where im expressing myself fully

  35.  #35Rusty on June 27, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Ella, I agree with Daria. Don’t answer. But if you do answer, just be honest. Has he tried to sleep with you? Correct me if I am wrong but the answer to that is yes, unless I remember your posts incorrectly.

    Personally, i would just ignore the message. If you answer anything, I would put it like this.

    “No, I haven’t had sex with him in the last year.”

    Then leave it at that. Not sure what positives could come out of telling her more. Would she even believe you? More than likely, she would take your accusation straight to him, he will deny it, twist it and make out that you are the one propositioning him. She of course will believe this because she does have feelings for him. Seen this happen way too often.

  36.  #36Lilybelle on June 27, 2011 at 2:31 pm


    How are you doing, RMan?

  37.  #37Lilybelle on June 27, 2011 at 2:38 pm


    Ewwwwww. Kinda feels like no matter what you say, it could be turned around on you. Have you mentioned this to him? I would maybe address it with him and avoid her.

  38.  #38FlowerChild77 on June 27, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    (((Ella))) I have NO judgement. I think we have all been there–and forgiving ourselves for putting ourselves in not good situations is way, way different than feeling shame over it. I have no right (and no intention) of making you feel bad. We learn from our mistakes so we can make better decisions next time.

    I understand what Daria is saying and you have really grown since I started coming here (#28.) Letting her work out what’s acceptable to her in a relationship with a man makes sense. As you said, she has doubts, do the math.

    I feel drama in the competitive thing, though and in you wondering if you could “have him now.” I wasn’t seeing (in my first post to you) that allowing her (or him) into your experience is drama.

    Thank you Daria for explaining that/pointing that out. 🙂

  39.  #39Daria on June 27, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    Ella – im hoping youll feel through the “urgency” of feeling compelled to answer this person before you do anything

    its addict junkie behavior to ask for info of a partner’s behavior from others outside the relationship

    in a way, it violates his privacy

    asking strangers about their sex lives violates THEIR privacy

    i would look at the underlying message of this communication, not what it outright asks

    BTW, even with men, Rori teaches NOT to answer questions directly – we feel compelled to do this, mascuilne behavior –

    but go to how you’re feeling

    ex: have you slept with my boyfriend

    ans: wow! i feel frightened and angry being asked that… (feminine answer and what you’d want to answer to a man)


    : yes, no (masculine answer that answers the question – Business level energy)

  40.  #40Daria on June 27, 2011 at 2:51 pm


    i just thought through… and in a way… this is exactly what she’s asking (taking away the imaginary terms gf/bf)

    “wow, i feel attracted to this man too! are you going to stop dating soon? i would feel so excited! im really feeling confused considering whether to date him, i felt hesitant knowing he was dating another woman… i like 100% of a man’s attention…

    so… what do YOU think? im trying to make an important decision, and don’t want to allow him to date me if you think its going to get better between you two”

    this seems insensitive at best

    somehow, because there seems to be a lot of pain, and junkie, “out of control” behavior, it

    “excuses” being insensitive to someone else

    in the mind , because we’re trained to view these scenarios this way

    but its STILL junkie behavior, it IS under our control, and it is still insensitive

    and so what

    she’s looking out for herself in the best way she can think of, she has a right to it

    and i have a right to feel angry


    wow this is triggering!

    thank you so much Ella for posting this here to work through

  41.  #41Lilybelle on June 27, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    Good stuff, Daria. I like how you offer additional ways to look at things.

  42.  #42Daria on June 27, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    wait wait wait Daria

    lets look at this as “a call for love”

    so in that case i would say

    ohh… i feel so much compassion for your pain… and… i feel uncomfortable discussing any of this, in fact, i feel frightened and angry being asked to… i just dont want to be involved… and… i feel your pain, i know how it feels to feel attached to someone, and insecure and out of control… ive been reading articles from Rori Raye and they’ve been helping me so much… i just want to share that with you in case it might help you as it did me… at blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com… to get the power of being a woman back and have some peace of mind

  43.  #43Daria on June 27, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    thanks Lillybelle

    wow yes, its amazing how switching to “a call to love” has shifted my energy on this!

  44.  #44Daria on June 27, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    i woudl feel triggered to offer someone Rori articles

    because i feel so awful when people don’t follow up on the help i offer

    its a trigger for me, a trigger i LOVE LOVE LOVE so much right now hehe

    and i might still offer it if i felt like it … yay 🙂

    and i will heal the fear that i will feel humiliated, or alone, or left out, or just unworthy, bad and icky

    what gets triggered for me when it seems my help is not received

    that they might not want it

    and THEN Ill have to feel THAT!!

    and you know what, I CAN FEEL IT AND BE OK!!


    yes i can

    i can love myself right through that


  45.  #45Ella on June 27, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    Urghh I don’t know.

    Yes am waiting for the urgency to wear of so as not to get drawn into the junkie behaviour/drama of this situation.

    Daria thanks for the support.

    I felt moved and so cared for when I saw you get angry on my behalf because of my fear reaction.

    I was like ‘awwww’ and I feel loved and cared for.

    I feel compassion for this girl, and I feel angry, annoyed and defensive at being approached in this way.

    Considering not replying… and considering replying.

    If I replied it would be something like.

    Hi. Wow this feels uncomfortable to be approached in this way. I feel compassion for your situation and I can see your confusion.
    No we have not slept together. I don’t feel comfortable discussing this any further and would suggest you talk to him.

    But it feels kinda pointless. It won’t give her any more information than she already has really, other than that we haven’t had sex.

    I looked back over the message chain between me and him on FB and it is mostly me saying stuff like I don’t want to be contacted this late at night as it feels like a booty call, and then the last message saying I felt attracted, the situation didn’t feel good to me to be involved in right now and I did not want to be the other woman.

    I feel confused and annoyed and tense in my back and shoulders.

  46.  #46Ella on June 27, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    OMG OMG OMG!!!!

    My man from yesterday J has just been in contact.

    He posted on my FB wall!!!!

    He said “im initiating here so dont let me down (his tel number) gimme a call when you got some free time. xxxx”


    I was NOT expecting that at all.

    I feel so super excited I nearly threw up my dinner all over the floor.

    I feel tingly in my toes.

    I feel good, and weird about all the other drama.

    Def need to wait for all this over-excited urgency stuff to wear off.

    I feel so happy to hear from him.

    Hope my excitement does not mean he is toxic for me… ow I feel afraid.

    I feel slightly in awe that a 19 year old boy has the balls to come right out and post something like that on FB.

    It feels MASSIVELY masculine.

    And he is asking me to call him.

    I may just reply with my number. Ow but PM or under the post.

    Oh, wow, what a CRAZY DAY!!!!!

    First bumping into my ex with his new girl, then this with Pubman, and now this.

    Wow. What a day.

  47.  #47Daria on June 27, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    Ella – i would feel pretty good sending an answer like that…
    well… i still kinda feel resentful being asked about my sex life..

    i don’t know

    but i DO know , that this is an opportunity to…


    and celebrate!

    an awesome trigger and opportunity to heal!

    and i can experiment with saying WAHTEVER!!

    i can heal here!

  48.  #48Ella on June 27, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    And also housemate informed me today he is moving in stipper lady (I need to change her name as I feel a bit disrespectful calling her that, she will be T from now on).

    Yes so she is going to be moving in…

    So there we go.

  49.  #49Ella on June 27, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Daria / Lillybelle / everyone.

    How do we feel about contacting him about it directly as Lillybelle suggested?

    It feels tempting however I am worried as it also feels kinda exciting/compelling to do this. And I am worried this is buying in to the junkie/addict behaviour.

    On the other part of me feels like F8ck it, it is his drama, let him deal with it and this woman.

    Keep me out of it.


  50.  #50RiverGirl on June 27, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    I hate that you have been put in this situation. It would be very hard knowing what to say to Pubman’s girlfriend (I don’t want to refer to her as “this woman” as that seems derogatory and she hasn’t done anything wrong).

    Responding to her could be seen as bringing unnecessary drama into your life, but it sounds to me that the drama is already there by virtue you of having read the message and now being in turmoil about how to respond to her if you do at all.

    Would you feel some healing around this man, if you were able to respond with full authenticity to her?

    Like how you said @45 “Hi. Wow this feels uncomfortable to be approached in this way. I feel compassion for your situation and I can see your confusion.
    No we have not slept together. I don’t feel comfortable discussing this any further and would suggest you talk to him. ”

    Perhaps you could tweak it a bit to say something like; ‘I have felt attracted to him but we did not sleep together. I don’t want to be involved with a man who has other women in his life. This is between you and him. I don’t want this drama in my life and don’t want to discuss this any further.’

    For me that might feel freeing and also help reinforce my own boundaries about the type of man who is acceptable to me. I am interested to hear what you and others think about this as it is such a common scenario in dating life these days.

  51.  #51Daria on June 27, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Ella – i would tell a man im receiving messages about him from a woman and i don’t feel comfortable with that…

    maybe he can “fix it?

    its def a turn off for me, ive addressed it directly with the men in the past…

  52.  #52Daria on June 27, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    actually she has done soemthing wrong, she has rudely contacted ella asking about her sex life

    i feel angry!!!


    this is not “wrong” by common standards cuz its “ok” to excuse junkie behavior by a woman in this situation

    and his gf, well that is not a term i use, Rori says gf doesn’t really matter or mean anything as far as dating a man

    shes a woman he’s dating

    Ella is a woman he’s dating also

  53.  #53Daria on June 27, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    i personally would not tell her if we have or have not slept together

    that is not her business

    i dont tell men i date who ive slept with,

    and i dont plan on telling women contacting me about the men i date either

  54.  #54Daria on June 27, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    sorry Rivergirl – i feel angry and super intensely triggered, i dont want to dismiss you,

    i feel very triggered reading yoru post

  55.  #55Ella on June 27, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    I’m such an idiot sometimes I forgot to blank out his name in one of the messages I copied and pasted onto here.

    I feel shameful and angry with myself for not protecting other’s identity properly! Grrrr.

  56.  #56RiverGirl on June 27, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    I feel angry too Daria!

    It is not accepting junkie behaviour to give someone an honest answer. It is raising our vibe as we can stay on our own path regardless of what others may or may not do around us. That is just background noise. She was asking for honesty. It does not lower our own vibe to be honest with other women.

  57.  #57RiverGirl on June 27, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Apology accepted Daria

  58.  #58Daria on June 27, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    it seems to me like saying “give her more!”

    give her more of your energy, more of your info


    in this situation, we dont know if its safe!!

    our sex lives, thats personal and intimate! it doesn’t feel safe to share about it with a stranger, expecially a stranger that doesn’t seem in an emotionaly healthy place or all about supporting what WE want

    why throw my personal VERY VERY personal sacred info out there in an unsafe place

    a woman feels frightened and desperate… i feel compassion

    but not obligated – though it seems like a common thought of what to do – to abandon myself, and throw myself and my privacy out the window

    i want to feel safe sharing about my sex life with someone

    this does NOT feel safe

    it doesnt feel like a loving environment for me to share this personal info

    this woman’s “desperation” is her own… and its great

    just like mine is, and everyones

    it doesnt require a ‘necessity” of me nurturing her, at the detriment of myself

    what will my inner girl think?

    that when another woman is desperate and behaving unhealthily, i will abandon my care of my inner child and go and GIVE to this other woman my precious special secret life info?

    because this other person seems in pain?

    what about putting myself first,

    waht about my pain?

    what about honoring both by not accepting unhealthy behavior into my life

    i feel sad now

    i love me

    i love me i love me

  59.  #59Ella on June 27, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Yes, the more I am reading back the more I feel triggered by this.

    I feel angry that she has contacted me with this, like wtf?

    I can’t imagine contacting another woman to ask something like this.

    Even in my past where I have been with men who have cheated, I still would never have approached the woman.

    But I also feel some kinda awe of her, like ‘wow’ she is brave even in her unhealthy behaviour.

    And also angry, like why is she assuming her position takes precendence over mine, and why is she coming to me with this.

    And tbh it does feel like her saying ‘F u’ to my feelings.


  60.  #60Daria on June 27, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    aslo, to me, any directives, like “this is between you and him” will change the tone of sharing feelings, and compassion

    it will put me in the ‘above’ role of advice giver here.. somthing i dont want ,because somehow, im still abandoning myself doing that, and im not respecting the other person who has not asked me for advice

    she has only asked me aobut my very private secret sex life

    “i am in pain! please tell me your very private sex life … i think that will make me feel better”

    hi wow! i feel shocked… i don’t know what to say, and im so sorry for your pain… and i feel icky and scared being asked about my sex life, and angry too… and, i feel compelled to answer you… and to soothe your pain… and the truth is, i don’t want to discuss it…


    this is just amazing practice if anything

  61.  #61Daria on June 27, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    We are not obligated to answer any questions from anyone, ever…

    and we are trained to answer questions directly… this is a masculine way of doing things

    for example:

    if a man asks, so how many men have you slept with?

    all he wants is an honest answer, but that doesn’t mean we have to tell him!!!

    WE DECIDE what we feel comfortable sharing

    authenticity does not mean sharing personal info with anyone who asks

    they do NOT have a ‘right to know’ about our sex life

    they don’t even “deserve an honest answer” about OUR sex life

    sure they have a right to ask, but we don’t have to like it, and certainly DON:T HAVE TO ANSWER IT

    no matter what our nv’s say, that we are obligated, that we ought to caretake this ‘in pain’ person, and violate our own boundaries about when it feels good to share about our sex lives

    these are cliches that we learn about love, and they’re just not true

    they’re dramatic, painful ways of looking at things, such as pain is love

    or asking other women for the “truth” is the way to go, etc

  62.  #62RiverGirl on June 27, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    Ella, perhaps you could write to admin and ask for the post showing id to be removed.

  63.  #63RiverGirl on June 27, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Daria, when I read your post it seems like you are trying to prove a point. To argue a case for your point of view being right. It feels very masculine energy to me.

  64.  #64RiverGirl on June 27, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Daria, I am also very curious as to why you feel so threatened by the idea of another woman asking you a question about a man.

  65.  #65DE on June 27, 2011 at 4:32 pm


    Hmm…u question to Daria if u should respond to this woman…triggered me too…i haven’t read all the advice yet, but i wanted to share a bit…

    I was one of these women who would ask around to know the “truth”…and why? because i could not handle my own truth…which was…i felt awful in the relationships…i did not trust myself to do it…so i was fishing for outside info…it is DRAMA Ella…don’t feed into it…

    Now, if a woman would ask question ab a man i was or am involved with…i would first center on how i feel…weird, uncomfortable, angry…etc…

    I might not share with her much of how i feel…but I would say ” I feel uncomfortable answering questions about anyone…to anyone; and as a woman to woman…the answer(s) u are seeking are within u…follow u instinct…good luck and take care!”

    Warm hugs,

  66.  #66Daria on June 27, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    omgosh… im really getting so much out of this!

    than you thank you thank you

    it totally DOES violate my boundaries to share about my sex life in such an unsafe feeling situation

    i don’t want to do that

    and i STILL feel compassion for the woman in pain

    and yet i don’t have to violate my own boundaries to express and share that compassion

    same as with a man!


    and if i DO share my info about personal stuff, well ok i can choose to do so, and notice my feelings after

    i mean, does it feel “ok” just because i know i will fall on the “good” side of judgement?

    what if i HAD slept with this man?

    this is really helpful to me because…

    i recently put myself in a (to me) similar situation

    in that i hadn’t had sex in a year, and i shared that info with two men

    i realized that i had some judgement attachments and i thought i was more “worthy and desirable” because i hadnt’ slept with anyone

    and that the men would like me more and want me more

    well, i wound up sleeping with a man on my birthday…

    and those 2 men don’t know!

    one wound up doing some sexual stuff with me after that, and i felt kinda uncomfortable and guilty, like, i was obligated to let him know, that my ‘status’ had changed….

    and that im not now the desirable woman he thought i was based on the info

    but rather, does he still want me knowing that i now Have slept with someone

    i say

    and it felt powerful nonetheless

    and i felt guilty, and kinda unworhty, and confused

    and now this other man, he seems to think that i havent slept with anyone either,

    and i havnet corrected him

    i feel less ‘unworthy’ because it wasnt so close to the time

    the other one was a few days apart.

    almost like i thought i had to warn him, hey i just slept with someone two days ago, are you sure you want to go down on me?

    waaat? i dont want to judge myself like that!

    and yet i was

    and realizing that while i shared the info of “no sex for one year” because i thought it would make me more attractive,

    it was an outside thing i was basing my attractiveness on,

    and now im in a position of feeling not as attractive, shoot feeling unworthy and like i have to warn men off that im not what they expected!

    and this would have been a non issue if i just stuck to, i don’t feel comfortable discussing my sex life, or discussing other men

    if the men needed a woman where they can be sure she is celibate, they can make that choice on their own by not dating me as i dont want to share that info with them

    and i wont have to feel like im “hiding the truth” and lying by not coming up and sharing MORE info, like btw i slept with a man on my birthday

    now i have nvs that tell me im obligated to tell them so as not to mislead them

    eff that

    and all this is completely MY business

    and yet, i think, i have a belief i learned, that men would not want me if i am sexually active

    whcih is bullshit as i see evidence of the contrary all around (even though i hear judgements about this stuff all the time too)

    i love me just love me love me love me

    and im gonna go ahead and just go with no talkie about my sex life

    i dont ask about their sex life

    they might have slept with someone earlier that day!!!

    i dont know… i wouldn’t really like that, if i didd know, but its not my business

    if his penis smells bad, etc, now that IS my business, i dont want to deal with that

  67.  #67RiverGirl on June 27, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    DE, I’m the opposite, I’ve never been one to ask others about what is going on with someone else. I sometimes dwell on my fears awhile but I usually just trust my instincts.
    I like how you worded the possible response for a suggestion like Ella’s. It sounds authentic and caring too.

  68.  #68RiverGirl on June 27, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    @67 oops! * SITUATION like Ella’s not suggestion.

  69.  #69Daria on June 27, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    River girl – the post was in a masculine voice.

    i feel icky being asked about a man

    it feels unsafe to me

    (on a deep vulnerable level – i can fake “cool, smooth, and nice” with the best of them)

    to even be in energetic contact with a woman that has some romantic thing going on with a man i like

    i dont want other women in the picture with me and a man!

    it feels like a turnoff ! ick!!

    and it feels scary, i don’t know this person, they are not offering me anything that feels good

  70.  #70Daria on June 27, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    it brings up my insecurities about being worthy to have 100% of a man’s attention

    it brings up my “life themes” of making sure everyone else is feeling ok, and ignoring my own feelings

    it just feels FRIGHTENING

    its not like a YAY i feel so happy and joyful and safe that this woman contacted me, i feel so loved by her!

    its more like, whoa this feels unsafe

  71.  #71DE on June 27, 2011 at 4:47 pm


    Oh, and I would not contact him either…he will just learn to step up his “game”…and if he asks u about it…then u deal with that at that time…

    Just focus on u…

    Warm hugs,

  72.  #72DE on June 27, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    Rivergirl #67:

    I feel happy to hear u were never in the situation(s) to doubt yourself…

    I used to be that person too …till the last 2 relationships; the last one – wow, it was something out of the movies…:(…from these experiences, i learned never to say never…

    Anyway, Rori’s tools have helped me tremendously get me strength and sense of self back…:)

    Warm hugs,

  73.  #73RiverGirl on June 27, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    I don’t want to have set rules about when to tell someone about my private life. How much if anything I choose to tell someone depends on the situation and how I feel about it at the time.

    With men who ask me about me sex life, I don’t think it serves any purpose to tell them so I usually say something along the lines of “that’s for me to know and you to wonder about ; )” I don’t really care to know the sordid details of his sex life either! LOL
    Oh, except to know about his sexual health.

  74.  #74RiverGirl on June 27, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    Oh DE, I wish I never doubted myself! Just meant I didn’t ask others about what was going on with a 3rd party. And that is likely because I have not been so deeply in those situations that I felt triggered to do so.
    Rori’s tools have been an amazing help to me also. : )

  75.  #75DE on June 27, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Ha, ha…Daria and Rivergirl:

    Yes, i feel all smiley about men asking ab my sexual life – like “how many partners have u had?”…

    My answers used to be “Well, i can assure you i had slept with far less men than u slept with women…”…most of time i had big smiles…till, a couple of times, the answer was “oh, i had 1, 2, 3…oh…4 partners in total…so did u have less than?”…mind you we are people in our late 30s…:) I felt speechless for a bit…I sipped my drink slowly (buying time), smiled…and answered “of course…”…

    These days, I no longer use that line…it feels a bit too game playing (witty, smart ass)…so, I try to keep it authentic…as in “I really feel uncomfortable talking ab my sex life…”

    Warm hugs,

  76.  #76Ella on June 27, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Daria re 66,

    O my gosh I notice myself doing that too… telling guys about how I don’t have sex with just anyone… and that I haven’t had sex for a while for this reason.

    It makes me feel good and believe that it will enhance their attraction to me!


    This kind of thing really has nothing to do with attraction, being open, authentic and loving / respecting myself have EVERYTHING to do with creating attraction for myself.

    And putting myself first, staying in touch with my feelings and loving myself.

    Beuing his safe harbour and being a thrilling mysterious woman.

    These are the real things that create attraction.

    Coming from a place of ‘real’ which = confidence instead of fake and pretending.

    Not making nice.

    Holding onto my power, and this includes in this situation today.

    These are the real ways I love myself and create attraction in my life.

    This is what I intend for myself.

    And I love that I have Sirens to help me with this.

    I honestly can’t believe how this day has turned around and now I am feeling more powerful and happy than I coyld have imagined I would at the beginning of the day.

    Purely in the knowledge that I can hold on to my power, EVEN in a situation like this.

  77.  #77Lilybelle on June 27, 2011 at 5:10 pm


    I would tell him that I had been contacted by her, that I feel uncomfortable and angry to have been brought into the drama and that I wish to be left out of it. I would also, at that point, trust him to take care of it and let it go. HE is the one that has to manage the situation as He is the Man. I agree that River Girl hasn’t done anything “wrong”; she is hurting and worried and probably more than desperate and I would not get into an exchange with her about her boyfriend and the dynamics of my relationship with him.


  78.  #78Daria on June 27, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    Rivergirl – wow… i dont want to Have to set rules about what to share either…

    i feel triggered that i inspire this “have to” controlling thought energy in my communication… and i love me

    i like that i get to set boundaries for myself though…

    this boundary has been firming up throughout my experiments

    and its “gelling” now

    and this whole situation Ella shared with us has really helped me to get clearer about how i FEEL in such situations, when women contact me

    and what goes on for me at a deep level

  79.  #79RiverGirl on June 27, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Awesome Ella! You are in charge!

  80.  #80Senior Lady Vibe on June 27, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    Good evening, world. I am thankful for a fun-filled day, kind friends and happy faces.


  81.  #81Daria on June 27, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    Ella – wow ! i feel thrilled and uplifted hearing that you have experienced this too – the drive to ‘impress’ with ‘sexual selectiveness’

    i love me and you and all of us and our healing!

  82.  #82DE on June 27, 2011 at 5:24 pm


    Yes, if u are only angry ab it…but if u are also hurt as in jealous…feeling competitive…don’t do it…don’t contact him…is their problem…

    I would still advice Ella to buy time and not get involved…absolutely not…unless this woman continues to press her for info…

    Warm hugs,

  83.  #83Ella on June 27, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    I feel a lil worried that by contacting him I will be trying, with some part of me, to create an allegence with him.

    I don’t want this as this is an attempt to control.

    For now I am going to do nothing.

    And see how I feel tomorrow.

    Thanks for all the help Sirens.

    So good not to have to react to a situation, I so would have reacted immediately from my NVs, even just a year of so ago!

    Woohoo, go me! 🙂


  84.  #84Ella on June 27, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Now just what to do about J who has posted on my FB wall with his number and to contact him.

    The message I want to communicate to him is that it feels great to hear from him and I am really glad he has contacted me, and that I will prefer it if he calls me.

    So my slight unsure feeling is about whether to post this directly under his communication on my wall, which feels very open for all to see, or whether to PM him, although I am feeling some fear about doing this in case he takes it that I am trying to hide something.

    Oh screw it, I have a right to feel comfortable, so will probably PM him… and yet there was something so nice about the completely open honest vibe between us.

    I don’t want to lose that.

    Any ideas anyone?

    Gosh I feel very needy of advice tonight! Lol.

    Feel a lil ashamed of not being better equipped to make my own decisions!

  85.  #85Ella on June 27, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    Gosh I just read her message to me again…

    This time I felt my blood running stone cold (it felt like) and I felt very uncomfortable and a bit angry.

    I can feel a real tone of defending her ‘territory’ and her ‘possession’ kind of undercurrent in the message.

    And kinda of a warning me off in some ways.

    It feels weird and I feel scared/uncomfortable.

  86.  #86DE on June 27, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Wow, Ella, u quite a Siren Dahling 🙂 I never had guys posting such stuff on my wall 🙂 Honestly, I would feel controlled if they did…therefore, uncomfortable…

    I like if they send me messages ….private mesages…

    So, in you case, i would definitely respond in private…and literally ignore his post on the wall…unless, u feel like keeping it light on the wall, but send him a separate message with what would make u feel comfortable…:)

    I like all these stuff u coming up Ella…u helping me answer my own questions…and heal some stuff too 🙂

    Thank you and warm hugs,

  87.  #87Susan on June 27, 2011 at 5:52 pm


    Anything you post on your wall to another person can be read by everyone you are connected to. Unless you are comfortable with all those people having your number, it would be best to PM.

  88.  #88Senior Lady Vibe on June 27, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    @61: Daria says:
    “,,,authenticity does not mean sharing personal info with anyone who asks…”

    So true, so true, so true.


  89.  #89DE on June 27, 2011 at 5:53 pm


    I felt that too…I feel glad u are noticing it…

    She is definitely not well mannered, lacks of tackler communication…and has disregard for u feelings…

    Warm hugs,

  90.  #90Lilybelle on June 27, 2011 at 5:55 pm


    Exactly. If I was pining over him or had romantic feelings for him, I wouldn’t go there. I wouldn’t go anywhere near it.

    I find the conversation about previous partners interesting and have often wondered about what to say when asked this. I’m in my 40’s for pete’s sake. 😉

    “Yes, I’ve had sex.” Yes, I’m no longer a virgin.”…..

  91.  #91Senior Lady Vibe on June 27, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    @75: DE says:
    “…till, a couple of times, the answer was “oh, i had 1, 2, 3…oh…4 partners in total…so did u have less than?”…mind you we are people in our late 30s…:) I felt speechless for a bit…I sipped my drink slowly (buying time), smiled…and answered “of course…”

    Tee hee… 😆


  92.  #92Ella on June 27, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    Lillybelle and others re 90.

    I am and I do…

    Still pine sometimes and have romantic feelings.

    Much less than in the past over guys but still there.

  93.  #93Ella on June 27, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Gotta take care of myself now and get some shut eye.

    Night night lovely Sirens.

    And thank you so much for all the support tonight. I really do feel loved, accepted and supported by my Siren family.

    And that is very healing for me… and if I am healing this is the energy I pass on to the world and those I interact with.

    Yay, feels so good when we can work on a difficult situation and turn it right around.

    Night night. xoxox

  94.  #94Lilybelle on June 27, 2011 at 6:12 pm


    You are, Siren Sister. 🙂

    Sleep Well.


  95.  #95marina on June 27, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    Hello dear Sirens,

    Wow… I feel very grateful to read through this process (thank you for sharing Ella, glad you are feeling better now), esp what Daria wrote about abandoning yourself bc the nv’s are telling you that you are obligated to help another person… I do that often and it really feels like I always put other people first, yuk…..

    Also about sharing personal info and responding in a correct masculine (and somehow boring) way….(actually I talked about that with a friend today too, she said it feels bad to realize how much personal info some people have of her).
    Yep, somehow I (the nv’s) tought me to be that way too….I want to unlearn that stuff!!!
    I will spend more of my summerholidays here on Siren Island 🙂

    Also looking forward to finally be able to watch Modern Siren online, superdupercool 😀

    Many kisses from tropical hot Europe!
    XXXX Marina

  96.  #96DE on June 27, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    Oh Marina, so happy to have u back here this summer 🙂

    I so miss reading u awesome stories 🙂 Of course, I miss me some Europe too 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  97.  #97tinque on June 27, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    I second #80, smile, giggle muah.


  98.  #98marina on June 27, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    Oh yes, the sexual selectiveness…Oops I do that too, in a way… I say that I have never had any one night stands. Except with BF4, and that one night stand has been going on for 5 years now….

    I used to think it was really funny to say and also showing that I am not a slut or cheap (I don’t want to judge anyone who does have one night stands, please don’t feel offended, I don’t think you are a slut or cheap if you do), but I did have the experience of a one night stand (like showing I did try it once).
    But I now think it is a bit cheesy and have no idea why I think anyone would be interested or impressed by that kind of info…

    Or about the fact that my oldest brother is pretty much of a player (like my Dad was) and how I am amazed that he has had the same GF for a couple of months now. And that my youngest brother is a nerd and probably still a virgin…
    LOL what was I thinking talking about their lives like that…?
    I can actually think of 1000 other things I can tell about them that are much nicer and more interesting probably.

    Well, as a male friend of mine likes to put it, in the end it is all about who is doing who…

    I am glad that I get to discover this now… Thank you Sirens. I could think deeper and more into it why I thought it was important to talk about that, but I don’t want to overanalyze myself. I feel it is OK to let it go. I love myself anyway and I forgive myself.
    Haha, that feels weird to say, I am still getting used to talking like that to myself.

    I do know that I often reveal to much personal info and trust too many people too often and too soon, so I want to heal that… And I expect more occasions to come where I will have the opportunity to experiment with exactly that kind of boundary setting and info sharing. Thank you 🙂

  99.  #99marina on June 27, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    Hi dear DE!

    How are you doing? I love your photo, is it Audrey Hepburn?
    Are you currently in the States?
    Europe sends you lots of love 🙂

    Yes, I am back! I have been on and off reading, but I really want and need to vent and riff much much more to heal, and Siren Island has so far been the best place to do so 🙂

    Need to sleep now…take care!

  100.  #100DE on June 27, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Yes and yes, Marina 🙂

    Thank you for the warm wishes from Europe 🙂

    Sweet dreams Dahling 🙂

  101.  #101Plum on June 27, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    My friend the Rose


    We are so not much
    And my friend the Rose
    Told me this morning:
    “At dawn I was born
    Baptized with dew.
    I blossomed
    Happy and loving
    Under the sun rays.
    I shut down at night
    And woke up old.

    Nevertheless I was very beautiful.
    I was the most beautiful
    Among the flowers in your garden.”

    We are so not much
    And my friend the Rose
    Told me this morning:
    “See the God who created me
    Makes me bend the head down
    And I feel I am falling
    And I feel I am falling.
    My heart lays almost bare,
    I am rooted in the grave
    Already I am no more.

    You admired me yesterday
    And I will be dust
    For ever tomorrow.”

    We are so not much
    And my friend the Rose
    Died this morning.
    Last night the moon
    Watched my friend.
    I saw in my dream
    Her soul dazzling and bare.
    It was dancing
    Much beyond the clouds
    And it was smiling at me.

    Is believer whoever can believe.
    Me, I need hope,
    Otherwise I am nothing.

    Or so not much.
    It’s my friend the Rose
    Who said so yesterday morning.

    Written in French by Cécile Caulier and Jacques Lacombe 1964
    Sung by Françoise Hardy


  102.  #102RiverGirl on June 27, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    (Ella, I am talking very generally here about the advice that has come up about your situation. I don’t want to make any judgements about what is going on for you. You are the only one who can sort through your feelings. You are the only one who knows if you still have feelings for him and if she is a competitor for his affections or not or if any of it even matters anymore.)
    I am feeling very sad right now after reading back through this thread. Sad that many women want to dismiss another woman who is asking about a man when she has doubts about his integrity.
    Sad that feeling compassion for a woman and wanting her to have answers is seen as masculine and boring. Sad that women are feeling insecure and threatened at the thought of another woman asking them direct questions. It is very feminine for women to want to stick together and help each and to protect each other from unsafe men. It is what women have always done, it is what we do on this blog. Nurturing other women (or children) is NOT MASCULINE, it is not the same as nurturing a man.
    It feels scary to write this as I know many will disagree with me. It might feel scary to be Ella to get a message asking about her relationship. It might feel scary for the woman who was wondering if her boyfriend was seeking out other women. If she was on this blog, we would have all urged her not to ask and to just trust her instincts…but she wasn’t here and we can’t blame her for seeking answers.
    A big part of learning to be a siren, for me, is learning to be open and vulnerable and to not be afraid to be honest and to accept responsibility for situations that you find yourself in. That, to me, is being authentic and being feminine. For me, to not answer would be like not taking responsibility or being ashamed to be truthful (there is nothing at all to be ashamed about).

  103.  #103DE on June 27, 2011 at 8:42 pm


    I totally feel u right now…u have legitimate concerns…yes, we have to have compassion for one another…as sisters…

    I do see every woman I see as a possible sister…

    When I advised Ella not to get involved and share about her relationship with this man to another woman…i really meant it…please believe me from the bottom of my heart, it would not help this woman at all…to the contrary…it could potentially bring more doubts and pain …

    The biggest healing comes within…where the answers are…one must find the real answer in him/her…me, as a sister, can only encourage them to find it…how do they feel when with this person/when without ??? is the biggest question of all…that is the sisterly thing to do…help them find the power within…

    I will keep my story short…but really I am speaking from experience..

    Last relationship…after contacting two of the women because of the info i found (and him denying it all…making me feel as i was crazy…these woman were business associates too besides being lovers and true before me, so it was easy for him to turn things around)…the three of us stuck by one another for about 8 months…during this time…he was still pursuing me…yet, still flirting with the other two…and telling them “i was after him…and they should not believe me because i have an agenda…etc…”…we confronted him…played him…etc…till we all got soo tired and hurt by all of this…we would even question what we saw we our own eyes…by the way, after all I did to him, he never stopped contact with me…i however, stopped contact with the other women (last year) and also with him four months ago (and i requested it in writing this time).

    What is truth really? Truth is relative…just like love…love is in the eyes of the beholder…

    Men can love different women differently…and they can heal too…I wished i knew that a few years back…i felt very mistrustful of him early on…:(

    So, we women, can be two faced often…although, they told me they were all over with him, etc…they weren’t…to do contrary…since finding out about him and I and the extent of our relationship…they both began competing with me over him…behind my back…:( I felt betrayed…they would say something to my face and yet, do something else…

    That is why I say, don’t get involved…my search for “truth” only brought me sooo much more pain…and more difficulty letting go because of the effort I put into it…

    Warm hugs,

  104.  #104Plum on June 27, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    It is somebody who told me


    I’m told that our lives are not worth much
    They pass in an instant as roses wither .
    I’m told time that slips by is a bastard
    Who makes his coats out of our mournings.
    Yet somebody told me…

    That you loved me still
    It is somebody who told me
    That you loved me still.
    Would it be posible, then?

    I’m told that destiny laughs at us
    It gives us nothing and promises us everything.
    It is said that happyness is at hand
    So we hold our hand out and end up crazy.
    Yet somebody told me…

    That you loved me still,
    It is somebody who told me
    That you loved me still.
    Would it be posible, then?

    Would it be posible, then?

    But who told me that you loved me still?
    I don’t remember, it was late at night,
    I still hear the voice, but do not remember the face
    “He loves you, it’s secret, don’t tell him I told you”
    See, somebody told me…

    That you loved me still,
    Have I really been told?
    That you loved me still.
    Would it be posible, then?

    I’m told that our lives are not worth much
    They pass in an instant like the roses wither
    I’m told time that slips by is a bastard
    who makes his coats out of our sadnesses.
    Yet somebody told me…

    That you loved me still
    It is somebody who told me
    That you loved me still.
    Would it be posible, then?

    Written in French by Carla Bruni Sarkozy 2002
    and sung by Carla Bruni Sarkozy

  105.  #105mary on June 27, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    hello sirens!

    oh, it’s been a long time since i posted anything here. it’s quite a big community now!

    i’m feeling sad tonight.

    day one of a my breakup with music man.

    but not too terrible! at least i have a little, tiny history of the circular dating that i did last year, and i experienced how easy it was to get dates on the Internet, and it was pretty fun.

    i met music man while i was actively talking with all of you sirens, and then i just gradually quit talking as i started seeing more and more of him, and things were going really great, just moving right up to a crescendo, and then… there was a plateau…

    and then nothing.

    no ring.

    no big plans.

    not as much future talk, except for things like, “hey, we should do this, or hey, we should do that…”

    christmas came and went.

    new years eve came and went.

    valentine’s day came and went.

    and then my birthday came and went.

    i thought of giving my speech and starting to circular date again, but by march i was having doubts about this guy. would i really want to marry him?

    down deep inside i knew the answer was no.

    but i couldn’t let myself know it consciously. because he was so handsome. because he loved music. because we used to laugh and joke and carry on. because i was so attracted to him. because i liked the way he was with his kids. because he had a gregarious nature and everyone loved him.


    he started getting rather critical.

    and then it got worse.

    and then he had a heart attack and i started going with him to the doctors.

    and then he had to have open heart surgery. and that was long in the distance, without a date, because we were waiting on the system. and i felt a bit stuck. not completely sure that he wasn’t my man, but pretty sure.

    and then we were given a date, and it became pretty stressful. i immediately committed to seeing him through. but what a difficult thing! there was a lot of tension. there were words said that shouldn’t have ever been said. there were attitudes that surfaced that would have been better to have left alone.

    now we’re through the surgery. it’s been a couple of weeks and he’s back at home, recuperating alone. it’s obvious that that’s a more healthy environment than the combination of us together, because he’s fussy and particular and critical and angry.

    and i could have avoided all of this.

    if i had stuck with circular dating. then i wouldn’t have felt so committed. then i could have seen our incompatibility sooner. then i could have gotten out sooner.

    and i could have still been dating.

    or did i do the right thing, the best thing? what if i was that little angel that he needed to get him through? he had no one else in town who could have helped him like i did.


    what to do now?

    wow, i’m just gonna get organized and get to work. i’ve been putting things off, taking care of everyone else (his sister got an infection in her bloodstream and was in the hospital at the same time, and my best friend got a blood clot and was also in the same hospital! – just call me “flo.” i’ve been running to the store for them, cooking and cleaning and doing errands, etc… and now… everyone is on the mend. and i’m very tired.)

    i think i’m just gonna get out and about in life – you know, join the photography club and stuff like that. be open and out there. work on my figure a bit (all those delicious meals he cooked!) go walking with my girlfriends. enjoy the beautiful summer.

    and gradually, when the time is right, i’ll start dating again.

    i feel hopeful now!

    maybe i won’t internet date so much. especially after reading Myralisa’s post. those free sites attract men who aren’t the provider / career / marrying type, i think.

    yes. i’m gonna just get to work now. and have fun. and be free.

    not everyone is free, you know!

  106.  #106RiverGirl on June 27, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    Thank you DE, I totally agree with you that to get involved in to and fro with other women over a man will cause nothing but grief all round. For me, I would think that I’d like to give a brief, once only reply and leave it at that even if the other party wanted to know more. I totally appreciate though that it might be best to ignore it altogether.
    In my last post, I was not so concerned about the advice to Ella one way or another, but more by what I perceived as harsh judgements of the other woman (feels bad to call her that because if I recall previous threads correctly, she had been referred to as his girlfriend). I was also triggered by comments (not yours DE) which seemed to imply that to respond would be unfeminine. I don’t want to point to particular egs of comments because I’m sure they were made sincerely, I guess that’s why I felt so sad about it. I do feel good though that this situation has come up so that we can all work through how we would handle it in our own lives.

  107.  #107Dorothea on June 27, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    Wow Mary, sorry to hear about your break up with music man. But you sound like you’re doing great!! I know you weren’t active here for a while but you clearly still “get it.” Even with surgeries and hospitals and caretaking and criticism, you are you. I wish I could explain it better what I can see from your latest post, but I just wanted to offer the praise.

    I feel so inspired seeing you take care of yourself. I know that you probably have less sireny moments where you might feel like a wreck. or maybe not, who knows!:) but it feels good to read your post and see that you’re not just gonna fall apart into a million pieces.

  108.  #108Dorothea on June 27, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    I remember when Erika was posting and things got intense here. I felt so angry and like she was constantly attacking and defending. It gave me the heebie jeebies and made me not trust her.

    Jeeez I feel triggered. I had stuffed that one away. I was just relieved when it all stopped.

  109.  #109kaitlyn on June 27, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    What do I say to my bff who asks,

    “That’s fine if you still like Adam, but why can’t you put your focus on YOU and just move forward when you say you’re going to upon my advice? It’s like you only believe what I say for an hour.”

  110.  #110Island Girl on June 27, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    RiverGirl @102 & 106
    I completely agree with you. 🙂

  111.  #111kaitlyn on June 27, 2011 at 11:15 pm


    I loved you last post to me; made sense and felt calming. But today, I felt compelled to put LIKE on a few things on his FB such as him thanking his family and friends for all the love and support. Plus a story about when he was a little kid.

    But right now, the thoughts of feeling ignored by him boiled to the top. I just wrote on my fb wall ‘back to being a selfish, heartless c*nt I go.’

    yes, it was about adam. and really, other ppl as well. Adam immediately wrote a private mes “I just saw your post. ????”

    i couldn’t cop to the fact that i felt angry for being a shoulder to cry on and then being ignored for days on end; plus his whining all over fb about her yet what did my cheating on him on a hooker gig get me? one mention on fb. she gets a entire weeks.

    so, being the coward i am, i wrote, “Thanks. I know you have my back on sh1t.”

    i hate how he only responds to me these days when i post distressed stuff.

    Did I handle this right?

    I’m struggling with when to be authentic, when not to be.

  112.  #112kaitlyn on June 27, 2011 at 11:23 pm


    what i meant in my first sentence was, i know you said lean waaaay back for he is wallowing and barely knows his own head right now, but i felt compelled to put LIKEs today. hopefully, this minimal lean fwd on my part isn’t bad. and keep in mind, i did cheat on this guy even if it was a job. weeks ago on the phone, he asked me a bit about said job, and i burst out into tears each time and revealed i was suicidal then over losing him.

  113.  #113mary on June 28, 2011 at 12:23 am

    hey Dorothea, how’s it goin’?

    thank you for the kind words. somehow i do feel great! not sure why.

    my last breakup was pretty awful, but in that relationship, R started withholding affection and that led me to the “i’m not attractive enough” dead end. then i realized that he had been a sex addict and he was just trying to not be that any more. and withholding from me was an accomplishment for him. and later, he told me that that was true and that he actually was very attracted to me. that’s why it was such a big achievement to not show it.


    i’m thinking seriously about giving the circular dating idea another whirl, and THIS time, because i do want to be married, simply not quit dating until i get the ring.

    it’ll make the guys really mad!

    but i think i’m up for it.

    i just really think i am. and something in me sees the benefit of not narrowing down to just one guy. wow. i’ve been a year with music man!

    and we met each others’ families. and now we all love each other.

    of course i learned a lot! but hey. i’d rather have found my real man – the one that’s gonna go on down the road with me – and I’d rather not have been so long with music man, assessing things and figuring them out and scratching my head and wondering and wishing and hoping and being fearful of being alone!

    i’m done with that.


    how’s it been going with you? i haven’t read much of the blog so i’m out of touch!

    i just peeked in here to kinda tell my story in case anyone else is thinking about circular dating and wondering if it could work.

    has anyone ever just all-out tried it? (okay, Daria, I know you have!) but having a guy really wanting you to commit to him and saying no?

    i know that there has been a lot of downright opposition from some of the male relationship coaches here… but i still might try it.

    what have i got to lose?

    another year?

    no! it won’t be that long again for me. cuz i’m not gonna get stuck in the girlfriend trap again.

    i really would like to get married.


    i’m gonna be proactive about it.

    i’m taking myself on a little holiday, then i’m gonna move, then i’m gonna get to work, join some clubs, etc., and then…

    look out!

    mary’s out again.


    i look forward to reading a bit on the blog (sometimes i do it in stealth mode) and commenting a bit, but…

    wow, all this stuff is gonna keep me busy!

    talk to you guys later!

    with love… and hugs and kisses…


  114.  #114Lucy on June 28, 2011 at 1:07 am

    It feels icky reading Sirens getting all up in Pubman’s gf’s business by judging, blaming, analyzing, assuming, attributing thoughts and motives to her, etc. This is what Rori says to Not do with people! I feel anxious reading all this! Just respond authentically to people…don’t analyze them. I totally agree with Rivergirl. The fact that some Sirens are triggered by gf’s note is about *those who are triggered, including Ella* – Not about gf! I would work thru my triggers privately then respond with love.

  115.  #115Lucy on June 28, 2011 at 1:18 am

    Hi Mary! Great to have you here tonight! Sorry it didn’t work out with music man. As far as all-out cding, yes, I have been doing that since fall 09. So far so good. <3 Lucy

  116.  #116Daria on June 28, 2011 at 2:28 am

    omgosh thank you Marina for talking about one night stands!

    i STILL say “i don’t have one night stands” in a ‘superior’ way and to show how disciplined and non promiscuous… and therefore awesome i am

    and… i dont need to!

    i realize i dont have one night stands bec for me, sex before feeling loved by the man doesn’t feel good

    and i do feel glad that i have been looking out for my own feel good doing sex with this

    and i can still do it without having a ‘judgment’ about better than or not!


    this helps me A LOT! thank you thank yo u

  117.  #117Patricia on June 28, 2011 at 3:24 am

    River Girl
    re 102
    “A big part of learning to be a siren, for me, is learning to be open and vulnerable and to not be afraid to be honest and to accept responsibility for situations that you find yourself in. That, to me, is being authentic and being feminine. For me, to not answer would be like not taking responsibility or being ashamed to be truthful (there is nothing at all to be ashamed about)”

    Hi sisters
    I was reading through the posts and this line resonated with me……if another woman asks about a man I was involved with, whether it was our sex life, etc and ALSO notes that she is trying to make decisions about what she wants to do in relation to him, based on what I say…..my gosh it’s one thing to share something, it’s another to hear she is going to decide what she will do based on what I say…..my answer will be from my perspective not hers…..

    RiverGirl…I just wondered…..if we are authentic and feminine….wouldn’t we want the same for other women? Is it possible that answering her question just enables her to stay dependent on other women’s takes on things, not giving her the opportunity to explore and experiment herself? Not letting her do the work? I suppose if it was a matter of safety (ie is he violent, does he have a bad temper) that’s one thing but in answering in a supportive way……encouraging her to talk to him instead aren’t we then supporting her to be her own woman?

    A few days ago I posted on the |Are on men goons” topic for the first time….I felt welcome to this space of exploration…….and I mentioned that my ex husband was now seeing someone well over a year actually……he has a bad temper……if she asked me about him would I tell her? I wonder if I would instead support her in trusting her instincts and being aware….vs telling her outright our story…….it’s like she has to learn for herself……

    I love that this blog includes women from all over the world…..Europe, USA….I am in Canda! I love this country and the wilderness……there are strong women all over the world……. 🙂

    hope you all enjoy a lovely day!

  118.  #118Patricia on June 28, 2011 at 4:25 am

    a little question….
    Rori I am working through your finding Mr. Right CDs right now…..I would love it if someone could elaborate on the idea of RIFFs……….

    thanks so much……..it’s a quiet rainy warm sunny day here……..very pretty morning……

  119.  #119Mel on June 28, 2011 at 4:28 am

    He says it’s over. I feel SO very sad and worthless and hopeless.

    I don’t even know what to do next.

  120.  #120Patricia on June 28, 2011 at 4:40 am

    Mel…….I feel open to listening……would it help to share more?

  121.  #121Mel on June 28, 2011 at 4:41 am

    After 10 years of marriage he says he wants to be “free.”

  122.  #122Mel on June 28, 2011 at 4:48 am

    I just don’t feel ready.

  123.  #123Mel on June 28, 2011 at 4:49 am

    I can’t breathe. Everything hurts.

  124.  #124Patricia on June 28, 2011 at 4:55 am

    oh wow, that feels like it would be a blow……..sounds like your body is absorbing everything at once…..can you share some of it with us……through the breaths? a blanket of love is here for you………xo

  125.  #125Mel on June 28, 2011 at 5:01 am

    I feel like I not only lost my husband, but my best friend in the whole world. 🙁

  126.  #126Lilybelle on June 28, 2011 at 5:03 am



    I am so sorry to hear this. So very sorry. When you are ready, please know we are here to support you.

    Be gentle with yourself today…Please.

    Ginormous Hugs.

  127.  #127Daria on June 28, 2011 at 5:04 am

    Mel – ohh … Big hugs!

    You are NOT worthless.

    You are amazing and powerful.

    I would walk away now… With my heart open still… See what happens… Maybe he turns around and chases after you

    Either way, you are ok, and you will feel happy again, more than before

    I really want to support you as best I can and I feel clumsy

  128.  #128Mel on June 28, 2011 at 5:07 am


    My heart is definitely open… It literally feels like it’s been torn in half and oozing.

  129.  #129Femininewoman on June 28, 2011 at 5:15 am


    I think the best gift we can give anyone is to set them free to find their happiness where ever or however they think is best for them. I am really sorry this is happening but I believe you can create something great out of this experience. ((((((((((((((((((Big Hugs)))))))))))))))

  130.  #130Mel on June 28, 2011 at 5:21 am

    I just don’t know what comes next. I don’t know what to do.

  131.  #131Mel on June 28, 2011 at 5:22 am

    I just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep all day.

    I feel so weak and shaky and fragile.

  132.  #132Femininewoman on June 28, 2011 at 5:28 am

    RE 130 Mel that is fear of the unknown. Try to believe you will be okay.

  133.  #133Lilybelle on June 28, 2011 at 5:37 am


    I remember reading that you sort of had a plan that involved moving back home where your family/friends are? I would do that. Get your boy engaged to take care of your girl right now. I would hire a good lawyer to ensure that I am not getting screwed, take half the household belongs and go home. I would grab my power back and I wouldn’t let him see me suffer for one second more than he has. Once I was “home” and feeling safe again, I would cry and sob and carry on like there is no tomorrow. Then, when I was all done, I would pick myself up, dust myself off and throw myself right back out there.

    I have a good feeling that better and wonderful things are on their way for you. And, we will be here to support you all the way.

  134.  #134Patricia on June 28, 2011 at 5:43 am

    Mel……we don’t “sign up” for these things but they happen……..it’s like going to the beach and hoping you have a lovely swim in the ocean and then all of a sudden this huge wave comes and knocks you off balance and it feels unexpected and scary…….but you find your centre and you stand back up and get your bearings and do the next thing…………it can feel so big and yet you CAN handle it…….we don’t have to know all of what we have to do……only what we feel we NEED to do in the moment…….like keep breathing and self care and one foot in front of the other,,,,,,,, many hugs………

  135.  #135Femininewoman on June 28, 2011 at 5:57 am

    Lilybelle I don’t mean to contradict you but I believe we can cry whenever we feel like doing it regardless of whether he is there or not. That to me is honoring her feelings. Even if it means telling him “I will be okay” if he asks or says anything as long as she knows she will be okay eventually. As long as she does not grovel or beg him for anything.

  136.  #136Femininewoman on June 28, 2011 at 5:58 am

    This to me is like mourning the death the relationship.

  137.  #137Lilybelle on June 28, 2011 at 6:24 am


    Thank you, FW.

  138.  #138Femininewoman on June 28, 2011 at 6:25 am


    There is a powerful New Moon in Cancer on Friday, July 1st, 2011, and it comes [during?] a Solar Eclipse. On this day, when the Sun and the Moon are together in the sign of Cancer, it’s symbolic of the joining together of the masculine and feminine energies. According to Vedic astrologer and relationship expert, Carol Allen, this is a highly auspicious time to release your soulmate wish list and it’s a beautiful time to do spiritual practices because “we are more attuned to the more subtle energies, more intuitive and it’s a perfect time to manifest new love.”

    On this special New Moon night, I will be leading a special fire ceremony during my Soulmate Secret workshop at Omega as part of my weekend workshop, (for more info Click Here! )


    that is designed to bring forth healing as well as calling in the energies for manifesting a life-long partner.

  139.  #139Brenda on June 28, 2011 at 6:37 am


    I really like this article! I feel like I know you better. I feel so happy that feeling message are becoming second nature! They make all the difference in conflict resolution.

  140.  #140DE on June 28, 2011 at 6:41 am


    Gosh, I feel sooo sad to hear ab it…:( Your heart must be tight up in knots right now…:( Wow, it hurts me just putting myself in u place …

    In this kind of moments the line from the movie “Gone with the Wind”…makes me feel comforted “Tomorrow is another day…”

    Warm hugs,

  141.  #141DE on June 28, 2011 at 6:48 am

    FW #135 & 136:

    Yes, I agree with u…Rori encourages us to honor our feelings always…even if it means crying…

    Warm hugs,

  142.  #142DE on June 28, 2011 at 6:56 am


    I feel sad to hear the situation is still stressful to you… I read the other day about feeling uncomfortable…:( I really liked SLV suggestion about leaving in the morning with the pets…out and about…giving them space…

    Warm hugs,

  143.  #143T-Girl on June 28, 2011 at 7:15 am

    Mel, I am so sorry that you are hurting so much. I remember feeling the same way after my ex-husband told me the same. It is so hard to see tomorrow through your pain, but just know that there is a tomorrow and a bright future ahead of you. Take care of yourself at this time. I’m sending you tons of ((((((((((hugs)))))))))).

  144.  #144Lilybelle on June 28, 2011 at 7:18 am

    Mel IS mourning a relationship and quite frankly, has been for quite some time all the while holding on to a glimmer of hope. There have been lots of tears, I imagine and there should continue to be for as long as they continue to come.

    I am NOT saying she shouldn’t cry, my goodness, that wasn’t even close to what I meant. She is crying, she has been crying and I it is my hope that with every single tear that is shed, that she gets one tear closer to healing. BUT, she also feels like she needs to DO something. I understand that feeling of needing something to DO because I felt that way too and the memory of that is all too recent. So, we get busy “doing” things and it helps.

    I should have phrased my comments to Mel differently. Sorry for the mis-interpretation. If Mel decides to go home, when she gets there, I suspect that it will really hit her hard and that will, induce more tears…more than she has experienced now as hard as that is to believe. It will seem real at that time and it will be very hard for her, even if she is surrounded by loved ones.

    That is what I meant. I am apparently not that good at communicating it seems.

    Have a great day and Mel, I am holding you close to my heart.

  145.  #145Mel on June 28, 2011 at 7:42 am

    Sweet friends have popped up in unlikely places. The lady in my car pool has offered me her home for the rest of the week so that I can be alone and don’t have to keep seeing him during this difficult time. Another 2 friends who live in Montreal have offered to have me come stay for some weekends in the next while.

    My Mom doesn’t come until the end of July, so I don’t think it will be feasible for me to physically leave until then. I need another person or I can’t bring both doggies on the plane. It will also enable me to bring more luggage.

    It just doesn’t seem real. Like I’m going to wake up from a horrible nightmare.

    The thing is I don’t hate him, I still love him very much. But I know he is confused and is going through some personal things he and only he can figure out. This is how he wants to figure them out.

    I just hate that in all of this, I feel like I also have to lost my best friend. That sucks more.

  146.  #146flower on June 28, 2011 at 7:56 am

    Daria love the no 40 post

    made me laugh 🙂

    im gonna save it on my computer , hope i can find it if im in similar situation ever 🙂

    as for my Cding well..i had great young company when iw as sick , got kissed so much lol and he didnt even mind i was with red nose, also 6th friend of the gergeous looks at my and started saying hi , and nr 5 gave me lift last nite and went for a peck kiss


    and as for the gergous one , he looked so hot last nite i couldnt stop looking at his bum in white jeans so in a way good that i left a bit early ..he still wont say hi nowadays and havnet had a chance to say a word to him , to use feeling msg , after all i still feel awful after he completely disrespected me a week ago

    oh and sat nite he smiled and looked me in the eyes when ic ame with his friends but i was shocked and didnt react , after all im not smiling to him when i feel sad!

    and eysterday he did look ..hmm maybe something is changing , maybe thats another proof this guy needs high degree of dificulty as rori says one that would cheat on him and now he sees other guys around me..

    oh well….

  147.  #147Femininewoman on June 28, 2011 at 8:05 am

    Lilybelle sorry if I triggered you. Didn’t mean to. You are good at communicating I just did not understand the depth of what you were saying. RE 144 You are quite right. I guess we are all saddened to see a sister hurting like this.

  148.  #148Senior Lady Vibe on June 28, 2011 at 8:07 am

    @138: Femininewoman says:

    There is a powerful New Moon in Cancer on Friday, July 1st, 2011, and it comes [during?] a Solar

    Hi FW, I read this and now I’m getting all tingly just as I felt before the Summer Solstice! I will create a ceremony for myself as I did for my (ex) wedding anniversary this spring when I did vows renewal for myself.

    I had already scheduled to renew my favorite museum membership on July 1 …it’s one of my “birthday gifts.” Maybe I can do something around art. Something like that.

    Oh,,, FW, this is exciting. I’m feeling tingly and powerful again. … I’m feeling power… something there LOL 😆 If we meet I’ll give you one of my soulmate rings. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything but I am feeling something. Anyway, it’s fun.


    P.S. Ella have not forgotten your sticker, I was looking at them last night for you. Probably an “owl” as you are growing in wisedom. No date came to mind but will put in calendar I hope soon. I don’t have another in there for me either. The first date came and went but I believe I have had some personal growth this spring and the passing date was a measuring milestone. I’m continuing to work on that.

  149.  #149Femininewoman on June 28, 2011 at 8:11 am

    RE 145 Mel can I encourage you to maybe think that you don’t know that yet? He might need the friendship in the future after all the dust has settled. Then you will get to decide if this is really your best and if you want to keep it as such if he asks. I believe though that the present moment is the most important thing and as Patricia suggested one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one day at a time. Life might serve you lemons but you can use them to make lemonade. Give yourself space to breathe. Don’t try to take it in all at once. I feel happy that the Universe is sending you friends to help. Choose to embrace the love of the Universe is what I would encourage you to do.

  150.  #150Femininewoman on June 28, 2011 at 8:21 am

    SLV thanks for the ring.

  151.  #151Senior Lady Vibe on June 28, 2011 at 8:28 am

    @119: Mel says:
    “He says it’s over. I feel SO very sad and worthless and hopeless.
    I don’t even know what to do next.”

    @121: Mel says:
    “After 10 years of marriage he says he wants to be ‘free.’ ”

    Dear Mel,

    In my experience and way of thinking: What to do next?

    Express sorrow or whatever feeling you have and then tell him you expect him to move out immediately. At the moment his overnight bag would do.

    I would want to keep own my precious things around me until such time I arranged what to do with myself and my own precious things. And my time schedule would not solely be for the convenience of my emotionally departing spouse.

    There is no need for you to go seeking solace and shelter away from the home you have created. IMHO, as long as I could financially support myself, I’d allow the man to leave and I would not in anyway finance his new lifestyle, as that is not what I would have “signed up for.” And in your particular situation, I believe you have already done a great deal of financing his new lifestyle.



  152.  #152Rusty on June 28, 2011 at 8:33 am


    Sorry to hear this. It is not easy to be in this position. But hat you don’t want to do is give away your power. Just as you said, he and only he can figure his issues out for himself. You can’t control that, never could, never will be able to.

    But he has no power over you either. You aren’t mourning him having any power over you, you are mourning your not having any power over him, and the realization of that fact.

    When I went through this realization and mourning process after my first divorce, I stopped worrying about it. The hurt, you can’t do anything about. However, I did notice that when I went running, I didn’t hurt in my heart. I lost some weight, got toned up, put on muscle and also started going to the gym again.

    When I started going to the clubs with some friends, women took notice. Men will take notice of you because you are already a very good looking woman.

    This is not happening because of anything you have done. This has everything to do with out society and how we counsel each other. In the past divorce wasn’t as acceptable so people didn’t look at it as an easy fix for their emotions during life’s changes. Mid life crisis’s, etc…

    IMHO, that is what this is all about. He has been slapped in the face by the real world and isn’t adjusting well to the fact that his fantasy of how great life would be, after becoming a lawyer, hasn’t come true yet. In his mind, and many people do this, he thinks that divorce is the solution to his problems. How he will view that in the future depends on how well things go for him. Many people regret their divorce…not all do but many do.

    You can’t control this though and you must stop fantasizing that he will sort it all out and then come back begging you to take him back. I know you are doing that because we all do that in this situation. The sooner you get past that, the better off you will be and the faster you can get back to living a good and happy life.

    I am here to tell you that there are loads of good prospects out there, men who will cherish you. You may not realize this but you are the cream on top of the milk. You are exactly what a lot of successful men, men who put a family life on hold to develop their careers, now want. A young woman in her late 20s to mid 30s, with no children, who may or may not want children, and is available to them.

    You mentioned once that men were wanting to dance with you right and left. I think very soon, you are going to find that a lot of men are going to want to do more than dance…they are going to want to date you and some will want to marry you.

    SO the best advice I can give to you is just worry about you. See this as if you are simply moving out of your parents home and moving on to the next exciting stage of your life.

    Do for you…be happy, don’t be jaded, and you will build a great beehive that some king bee is going to want to make his honey in. 😉

  153.  #153Senior Lady Vibe on June 28, 2011 at 8:33 am

    @150: Femininewoman

    You’re welcome… 😀

  154.  #154Rusty on June 28, 2011 at 8:49 am

    In short, Mel, I am saying that you are going to be more than OK. You just have to be open to that possibility and realize that other men are not him. Don’t make them pay the fine for his speeding ticket, so to speak.

    Maybe flirt with the carpenter and be open to him asking you out. Maybe drop the hint that you are now single.

    Have one of your friends take you out dancing too. And be very open to the guys asking you to dance. And keep in mind as they do that they likely don’t even like dancing that much, which begs the question, why are they asking you to dance…ah, that’s right, they like you..not dancing. 😉

  155.  #155Plum on June 28, 2011 at 8:52 am


    Mel, be brave for the love of yourself;
    You will have a good life, you will
    You already are having a good life
    You have been living without his love and friendship for quite a while now and you have not died or fell ill, see?
    You have been left alone ever since you got to this new place and yet you found a job, and you can make it on your own.
    Nothing new is happening. Your everyday life is the same; The only difference is that he said the words, but your life itself is the same.
    Now it is going to be easier because you know where to NOT stay.
    Now the uncertainty element that drives crazy is gone.
    Now you gained clarity.
    In fact today, your life is more stable than it was yesterday. Because today all it takes is actions. You have no more doubts. You may do what you said you’d rather do if you were certain the marriage was over.

    Keep the car during day time. If you feel you lost in the negotiation, and he will keep the car no mater what, stop negotiating and go to bed
    BUT drive off sooner than he does in the morning, so he won’t have a chance to fight over the car or to take it from you. Keep the car no matter what.
    He will call a taxi or a colleague to get him to work; it is not your business any more. Has never been, but now less than ever.

    You must consult a lawyer downtown, go to their office, bring them your marriage papers, everything you think of.
    Have them tell you if you may walk away from your marital home, all the way to your mother’s home to stay there. Have them say how long you can stay there without it to be hold against you during a divorce trial.
    When I was a child I heard in a country I was in, a partner could stay away without explanation as long as 6 months before the other partner could ask for a divorce for fault. After 6 months the “abandoned” spouse could sue for abandoning the marriage and get money for it.
    I don’t know how it goes in Canada, check this before you leave.

    Ask your mother if she can let you have her keys so you can stay at her place alone until she comes back.
    Also ask the lawyer if you drive off with the car, will you be able to tell legally “it was OUR family car, I needed it that day, so I used it. This is how we’ve always done things in our marriage. He used it almost always, and I used my turn only that specific day. I did not steal it from him, the car has always been available to him, parked in front of my mother’s home. He may come any time and drive off with it.” 😉
    Don’t tell him though, it is your business, your plans for your life. Unless the car papers show his name only. The lawyer will tell you anyway.

    I have no idea how many days it would take driving and if you are up to it. But if it may help you focus on the new “road” ahead of you and save money, bringing as much stuff as possible in the car with you, plus the dogs.
    You speak with the lawyer, then you come back home, you pack whatever needs to be sent through a shipment or moving company and you see it off, then you put your other stuff in the car and you leave to your mother’s state.

    Take all the time in the world to drive there.
    Stop on the road as often as you want, to cry, meditate, sleep, eat and every time get back in the car towards your happiness, in touch with the wonderful scenario on the side road.

    Have a comfortable night sleep in your childhood bed room, feel your juiciness within your teen ages colours and books, and find a job before it gets too late for the school year.


    You’ve unleashed him a while ago, and you stood there, observing each of his tail movement, the leash hanging from you close fist.
    He sees your fist, he knows he better stay away from that close fist, he knows he will get leashed up again.
    Open your fist, let the leach fall on the ground, turn around, and walk away.
    Don’t turn your head back, don’t try to see if he is observing you or not at all.
    Dogs do not get lost. When they have enough of exploration and newness, they smell their way home or they chose a new home on their way.
    Go to your home, in your childhood town with your mother, and see if it is also his home. In the mean time another man might find the way to your home.

    You will share love in your life, no matter what. Love is inside you and when you feel better, you can chose to project it on a new man, there, in your mother’s town.
    It will be fantastic to make babies, close to the grand mother’s love and from a husband who really feels thrilled to make babies with you.
    You will have a good life. You are having a good healthy life already, it is only a question of perspective; You can put the lights you want on your life, any time you feel ready for it.


    Now if you like it here and do not want to go back to your mother’s state, or even if you don’t want to rush and leave your new job so soon, ask the lawyer how you can legally make your husband leave your home. He is the one who wants to stop the marriage, he should have the hassle to move out and start over.

    You could stay in the house and put announcements for a room mate. It won’t change you much from what you had with him.
    You would still be paying half the rent and buying your food thanks to your job.
    The only change I can see is that it might even bring friendship and some joy in this house.


  156.  #156Plum on June 28, 2011 at 8:54 am

    101 oops the link is blocked in the USA

    Try this one

    My friend the Rose

    We are so not much
    And my friend the Rose
    Told me this morning:
    “At dawn I was born
    Baptized with dew.
    I blossomed
    Happy and loving
    Under the sun rays.
    I shut down at night
    And woke up old.

    Nevertheless I was very beautiful.
    I was the most beautiful
    Among the flowers in your garden.”

    We are so not much
    And my friend the Rose
    Told me this morning:
    “See the God who created me
    Makes me bend the head down
    And I feel I am falling
    And I feel I am falling.
    My heart lays almost bare,
    I am rooted in the grave
    Already I am no more.
    You admired me yesterday
    And I will be dust
    For ever tomorrow.”

    We are so not much
    And my friend the Rose
    Died this morning.
    Last night the moon
    Watched my friend.
    I saw in my dream
    Her soul dazzling and bare.
    It was dancing
    Much beyond the clouds
    And it was smiling at me.

    Is believer whoever can believe.
    Me, I need hope,
    Otherwise I am nothing.

    Or so not much.
    It’s my friend the Rose
    Who said so yesterday morning.

    Written in French by Cécile Caulier and Jacques Lacombe 1964
    Sung by Françoise Hardy


  157.  #157Femininewoman on June 28, 2011 at 9:00 am

    RE 151 SLV I like your take. Really sound like taking your power back.

  158.  #158Mel on June 28, 2011 at 9:17 am


    I’m sorry for poking fun, but you actually made me laugh today. “be happy, don’t be jaded, and you will build a great beehive that some king bee is going to want to make his honey in.”

    Don’t ya know that all of the important bees are females? The few drone (male) bees in the hive just laze around eating all of the honey waiting for a chance to mate with a new queen… until the fall comes and the worker bees (female) get sick of their freeloading asses and turf them outside the hive to freeze. True fact about bees. 🙂

    But thanks for your thoughts. I honestly think that right now the last thing I want to do is date or have any sort of relationship. I’m hurting too much right now. I think I may have hard time giving a man my heart again.

  159.  #159Mel on June 28, 2011 at 9:26 am


    You’re right. Nothing’s really changed between yesterday and today. The only difference is that I know for sure what I had been feeling for some time.

    I guess it’s still a big blow because even though it was imminent, I had been hoping that just maybe we could get through this.

    Now it’s so final.

    I’m going to call my mom tonight and see what can be worked out. I don’t think I would drive there as it would take 5 full days, and also I don’t want to be the one responsible for continuing to pay the car payments.

    It might be good to have this month to make sure I have all my papers together, can pack all of my cherished things, can set up a new bank account, etc.

    My life would feel so much easier if I knew I had a job to go to back home. I hope the universe will come through for me on that!

  160.  #160Mel on June 28, 2011 at 9:27 am

    SLV, FW, & Lillybelle,

    Thanks so much for your kind supportive words!

    This feels like the worst day of my life.

  161.  #161Mel on June 28, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Rereading that it seems like my post to you was rude Rusty. I didn’t intend for it to come across that way.

    It’s just that you ACTUALLY made me laugh when I read that. That should count for something 😉

    But really, what you said was sweet, and I know that eventually I will be okay. It’s just really hard to see the top of the mountain from the depths of this swamp I’m standing in.

  162.  #162Femininewoman on June 28, 2011 at 9:41 am

    RE 159 Mel I believe you can start sending applications from now. I would also suggest asking friends and family to do some networking for you. I will help your mind to focus on something else also.

  163.  #163Femininewoman on June 28, 2011 at 9:45 am

    RE 158 No Mel trust me you don’t want to go down that route. Been there done that. When you shut down your heart it is the hardest thing to reopen. Remember Rori encourages us to not shut down to anybody. I understand why you feel that way now, but if this is a doorway to a new exciting life, the life of your dreams and fantasy can you see how becoming jaded can cause you to easily lose another 10 years of your life unnecessarily? It is not about another relationship or man it is about truly being Mel and living.

  164.  #164tinque on June 28, 2011 at 10:10 am

    Mary!!! So good to see you. I feel badly about music man, but you sound amazing nonetheless.


  165.  #165tinque on June 28, 2011 at 10:13 am

    kaitlyn – I have no problem with liking things on FB. Yu know him, have been intimate with him. If you truly like something he wrote, it’s authentic to acknowledge this. To deliberately ignore is playing games.

    I’m not feeling as good about what you posted, but this is part of who you are. This is your way yo vent, and in the grand scheme of things, rather harmless.

    Please don’t think you messed up. You didn’t.


  166.  #166tinque on June 28, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Mel – Thinking of you and sending love. I have nothing more to add to the brilliant words already expressed,


  167.  #167FlowerChild77 on June 28, 2011 at 10:54 am

    (((((Mel))))) I’m so sorry you are going through this.

  168.  #168mary on June 28, 2011 at 10:59 am

    hi Tinque!

    oh, MEL…

    my heart is so sad for you.

    suddenly you need everything: a job, a new place to live, a mate (!!!), a new purpose, a new way to look at yourself!

    it must be overwhelming.

    i’m going about my day now and i’ll be keeping you close. and i’ll be feeling passionately for you, because i was once that heartbroken and that shattered. i don’t know how it is necessarily for you, but i remember when i was lost and lonely and scared. i kept picturing a brick wall in front of me and saying “no, i don’t want to be here…”


    when my first husband and i split up, someone told me to make a list of God’s faithfulness to me. so i did. and i still read it today. what a beautiful list i have now! i wrote the littlest things down, and what you said reminded me of it:

    “Sweet friends have popped up in unlikely places. The lady in my car pool has offered me her home for the rest of the week so that I can be alone and don’t have to keep seeing him during this difficult time. Another 2 friends who live in Montreal have offered to have me come stay for some weekends in the next while”

    more of the same for you!

    and here’s new thought: now, more than ever in the future, because you’re experiencing the loss, and the things that you’ve lost are accentuated… remember the little things that you loved about your husband. remember the good times! and write them down if you can! do you have kids? how wonderful for them to read that little diary some day! even if there are tear stains on the pages. especially if there are tear stains on the pages. or for you, for sometime in the future. wow, i wish i had something like that that my kids could read about their dad. because it’s all over. we cried. we laughed and cried again. we spent time together after it was over. we had dinners with the kids. and we gradually went our separate ways. and it’s okay now… but… my memories are mostly negative, because that’s what i camped on. i’m wishing i had camped on the positive things, and now i’d have so many positive memories!

    oh, one more thing!

    when my second husband and i split up (oh, that sounds terrible!), i made a list of losses. all the little things. and i asked myself, “who will do this now for me?” and i figured out the possibilites:

    * only x could do it for me
    * only a husband could do it for me
    * a boyfriend could possibly do it
    * a date could do it
    * a male friend could do it
    * any friend!
    * any one!
    * i can do it!
    * no one can do it – only God can do it
    * or if you don’t believe in God, the universe could
    bring it to me

    When I did that list, there weren’t many things that only x could do! I was upset about stuff like putting coins in the parking meter, which my husband always did, and having to do that gave me so much sorrow! but my little exercise gave me power.

    power to you today!



  169.  #169mary on June 28, 2011 at 11:04 am

    i’m off!

    on the second day of my breakup.

    i have plans! fun things to do!

    i feel excited about my new life. who knows what’s in store for me now?

    i’m gonna check out a retirement community because my brother just got a job with that company, and they have one in my town. i called and made an appointment and they offered me lunch! so i’m gonna ask questions for him. and he’ll get some information about the new life that’s in store for him.

    it’ll be fun.

    i’ll check in later! i have a lil bit of time now!

    love y’all…

  170.  #170mary on June 28, 2011 at 11:09 am

    hi Lucy!

    i miss talking with you!

    you are a siren of sirens! the men all love you! and you’ve been circular dating since 09?

    tell me why you haven’t chosen anyone…

    … i’m so interested!

  171.  #171Lilybelle on June 28, 2011 at 11:19 am



    I was thinking the same thing for Friday evening. A ceremony of some sort and hanging up a few rings, that I haven’t been able to find yet. 😉 I think I need to slllooooowwww down and smell the roses or find the rings. I have been so busy this last two weeks that my head is spinning. Thank goodness that I am on vacation and don’t go back to work until Tuesday next.

    But I got excited, thought how wonderful it would be to do a ceremony…Now, how to create one?!?

    Also SLV~ How do you pick “dates” for people? I would like to pick one for me but haven’t the foggiest idea of how to go about it. Care to offer assistance?

    OH! And, I have these little words on red ribbon hanging from my curtain rod…They say, Love (two of those bad boys ;-), joy and celebrate. They are silver script and are oh, so pretty. I will put my rings up there. I have one ring already and it is a ring that I bought several years ago that looks like an obnixously huge engagement ring… but, it’s pretty. lol Up it goes!

    I’m rambling. Must be the oven cleaner fumes…and the chemical burn on my foot. That’s what you get for living barefoot. That stuff is caustic!

  172.  #172Mel on June 28, 2011 at 11:52 am

    Thanks for the helpful suggestions Mary!

  173.  #173Senior Lady Vibe on June 28, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    @171: Lilybelle says:
    “…Now, how to create one?!?…”

    You could take an already existing ceremony and change it to make it apply more to you. Or do something entirely different but symbolic, encouraging or beautiful to you.


  174.  #174Senior Lady Vibe on June 28, 2011 at 12:12 pm


    “…Also SLV~ How do you pick “dates” for people?…”

    I guess. Trust yourself. I think I picked Nancy’s too soon; I feel kind of funny about that. I wish she’d come back and post something… What’s your favorite month or season? Do you have some unfinished business that will take a period of time, put the sticker at the end. Or choose a measurement such as… “I wonder how things will be coming long in three months?” Then you put the sticker at end of three months.

    Strange thing. Sometimes situations that seem horrible now when looked back upon after three or four months seem not so catastrophic. When I keep doing that I teach myself that I can survive and be happy when facing the unknown.


  175.  #175Senior Lady Vibe on June 28, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    “…I have one ring already and it is a ring that I bought several years ago that looks like an obnixously huge engagement ring… but, it’s pretty. lol Up it goes!…”

    Maybe one very special ring is enough for your own ceremony. I just became addicted, that’s all… Oops 😆 I added another one about an hour ago and this one is unusual, a wedding band type but made of three very thin bands joined in between in three places by teeny golden beads… Now, see how I became addicted…


  176.  #176Rusty on June 28, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    161: Mel says:

    Rereading that it seems like my post to you was rude Rusty. I didn’t intend for it to come across that way.

    It’s just that you ACTUALLY made me laugh when I read that. That should count for something 😉

    But really, what you said was sweet, and I know that eventually I will be okay. It’s just really hard to see the top of the mountain from the depths of this swamp I’m standing in.


    No worries. I wasn’t offended. I’m glad I could make you laugh. Of course, I could have also said that “If you build a nice beehive, some queen will make his honey there.”

    Not sure you are going to be looking for that kind of queen though. 😉

  177.  #177Mel on June 28, 2011 at 12:25 pm


    Nope. 😉

  178.  #178Mel on June 28, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    Has anyone here done a “trial separation”?

  179.  #179sweet rain on June 28, 2011 at 12:55 pm


    I read this blog a lot but I dont feel sireny enough to post. I feel frightened by the conflicts and the strong opinions. I dont often have time to read all the comments so I get behind.

    I’m struck by this:


    What would make me feel better if I could do absolutely nothing about another person?

    (And – let’s leave walking away out of the list of options, because you already know you can. You can walk away from here easy – but it might not be so easy to leave a man.)


    It would feel nice to talk about my situation and explore it here.

    I’ve been with my man for over a year and it has been lovely. He really loves me and It is the first time in my life where I feel like I am adored. I have always been a crumb taker before Rori.

    Mostly he spends time at my place. He has more free time than I do as he works for himself. I have been concerned about his drinking for a long time. He is from a culture where people drink a lot. He starts drinking at noon – beer or wine – and he drinks all day. He functions well so it took me a long time to notice this. I spoke to him about my concern that he drinks alone (almost in secret) and he agreed that he would be more careful about his drinking.

    I didn’t notice any lessening of his drinking and I asked him to stop the car one night and let me drive as he was drunk. He was furious and said I had a phobia about drinking. My own culture is an alcoholic one too.

    I now refuse to let him drive my car if he has been drinking. Lately I have spent more time at his place at weekends. We might have some wine at lunch but I think he is steadily drinking all day as he is very drunk by bed time. I can smell his breath and he just passes out at night.

    I love him, I know he has suffered a lot in his life. This weekend, we had a sweet evening and I held him in my arms and I gently asked him why he drank so much. I asked if it was to relax, to calm anxiety. I said you don’t need to drink so much to be happy. He didn’t react and just said his life is happy now that I am in it.

    I don’t think that I can change his drinking. He has to want to do that for himself. I am going to stop drinking wine myself because I want to know if it’s possible for me. I want to feel what it’s like to no longer drink so that I can understand how difficult it might be for him to do it.

    I don’t want to walk away from him. I just want to look after myself. I imagine we will have a car accident some day while he is drunk driving. Sometimes I don’t know how drunk he is until our journey is well under way.

    I feel anxious watching how many times he fills his glass, how he stumbles and slurs his words.

    I feel sad at the idea of my life without him. I want to find another way instead of walking away.

  180.  #180Senior Lady Vibe on June 28, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    @179: sweet rain says:
    “…I feel sad at the idea of my life without him. I want to find another way instead of walking away…”

    Rori has written about the “third way.” I have to run but I’m sure a siren will come along to discuss this.

    Maybe Daria.

    Daria Daria Daria


  181.  #181Brenda on June 28, 2011 at 1:21 pm


    RE: #142 – Leaving in the morning with the pets is good in theory. But in reality, it means leaving them in the car while I’m in the library or what-have-you, jobhunting. And, leaving them in the car means leaving the engine and AC running. And, that’s expensive. And, the AC is not working properly and can’t keep up – it needs a recharge. Which all brings me back to one of the reasons I need a home…

    …to have a place to house my pets.

    Thanks, tho. If it was winter, that is what I would do.

  182.  #182Ella on June 28, 2011 at 2:03 pm


  183.  #183flower on June 28, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    i keep seeing his car everywhere and ust saw it now so i think i know what hes up to and im thinking of walking past it when he gets back to it , this gergous toxic pisces

  184.  #184Rosa on June 28, 2011 at 2:08 pm


    Basic bottom line ?
    You cant have a true connected deep and loving relationship with anyone if you already have one with alcohol or drugs.

    This man has a big problem .
    Get out fast (in IMHO)

    Sorry sister.

  185.  #185Tulip on June 28, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    Flower – “.. this gergous toxic pisces”

    I know what you mean!

  186.  #186flower on June 28, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    tulip..yeah? lol i dont think u seen this one but i can show u to him …lol…

  187.  #187Ella on June 28, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Feeling heavy.

    Just had Pubmanso called g,friend on the phone to me.

    I decided to text him and ask him to call me and sort things out after recieving he following message from her:

    “I have read all of your facebook massages hes not very bright and apears not to know there is a deleate button. Iv read that you dont want to be the other woman. So u knew about me then his girlfriend of 2 years. It would b much easyer if you would tell me the truth as he wont say as he dont want to break up with me. If you think your special or somthing your not there is another girl steph hayes…”

    I felt angry, annoyed, upset and confused.

    Was going to reply and then decided I would see whether I could speak to him first.

    I texted him to call me and within seconds my phone rang and it was her.

    I was driving and had to pull over.

    She was quite hysterical sounding and she said why was I asking her boyfriend to call me? And then demanded to know whether we have slept together.

    I told her I felt uncomfortable being asked about my personal life by someone I don’ know and don’t want to be involved in this.

    Then she launched into a speech about did I have any idea how she feels, being his girlfriend for 2 years, and she doesn’t know what to believe and she just needs the truth.

    I said I did not feel too great either.

    She said please would I tell her because he won’t and she needs to decide what to do and whether to dump him and doesn’t want to throw away a perfectly good relationship of 2 years, with someone who loves you if it isn’t true.

    I felt under pressure.

    Then I realised that he was in the background shouting…

    I gave in to the pressure and I told her the answer to her question is no, we have not slept together.

    Then she asks whether he has tried.

    He was shouting stuff like ‘NO, NO!!!, We’ve been through this’.

    This felt esp bad to me. I felt rejected and shunned and angry about him telling me he was going to leave her to be with me.

    I felt worthless and less than and second class.

    I was just quiet on the phone whilst he and her argued… I heard her saying ‘well a woman doesn’t just randomly start texting about not wanting to be the other woman if nothing has happened’.

    Then I said ‘I do feel for you. I know how it is to be caught up on a man and feel confused. If I was trying to decide what to do about a man I might ask whether OI felt safe and loved with him all the time. And whether I trusted him. I would listen to my instincts.’

    She went quiet for a minute.

    Then she thanked me and said she won’t bother me again and we came off the phone.

    I feel heavy, sad, dejected, let down and kinda numb.

    I feel pissed that he is not the man I thought, not even a hint of it… and I feel sad that now I will never be held by him again.

    And I feel mad and mixed up.

    And I feel kinda jealous and then very sad, not of the situation she is in, just because her status and feelings seem to take precedence over mine because she has taken the title ‘girlfriend’ and in my eyes has taken this position by accepting crumbs, which I choose not to accept, and so because she has this status her feelings come first and she gets to be the one who is mad, and wronged, and who must be explained to.

    And I feel like nothing much, cast aside because I don’t have the imaginary status of g;friend. And I feel sad that this is how things are.

    And I feel sad to be part of this crazy situation.

    And I feel pain like a cord being cut from him… like a kinda heavy sadness. And sickness. I mean I feel sick.

    I feel less than because he is not here explaining to me how he does not want her. He is there explaining to her how he does not want me.

    I didn’t ask for this… he didn’t even ever really admit to me he had a g,friend… and when I called him on it he acted like she was nothing important at all and he didn’t want to talk about her and he said he was geting rid of her.

    That is not what I heard tonight.

    Urghhh, this feels bit icky.

  188.  #188Ella on June 28, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    And I feel grateful that he has been exposed and I see him for who he truly is.

  189.  #189flower on June 28, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    ella in your position id have reported this woman to police straight away , thats just me i guess though !

  190.  #190Ella on June 28, 2011 at 2:55 pm




    I feel sad, and empty heart. And less than and unworthy.

    And yet there is a part of me that feels strong.

    Hmm, wasn’t expecting that!

    Maybe I will be ok.

  191.  #191Ella on June 28, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Flower, really?

    Wow, I feel doubtful of myself and my reaction.


  192.  #192Elanesse on June 28, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    Hello lovely ladies! I take my first baby steps and I am soooooo grateful that I found Rori (no coincidence!). It is just HEUREKA moment! Everything is clicking and FEELS so right. But I have a looot of work to do, but I am looking forward to it and I will enjoy it. I can FINALLY see where I was going wrong for so many years. And I FINALLY found that I have feelings and that I dont have to be ashamed of them. I dont have to hide them and pretend that I am perfect cool girl. WOW. I still have a wall around me but I will take brick after brick from that wall and after some time there will be no wall. And feelings will not be stuck in that bubble between me and the wall. They will be free and I will be free. Open to receive, which is impossible through that wall which is sooo thick after so many years of fear of being hurt, fear to be true to myself. I thought that only way to live a good life was to look beautiful and act like I was always happy. That people like only happy people. Haha, I was so wrong! I focused on the outside and I hid my true feelings. Even in front of me! OK… I could write for hours and hours. 🙂
    My question is – for me as a total beginner who was never able to say what I want. Is it OK to start with “I would be happy if…”? I know Rori was speaking about agenda and I will DEFINITELY use feeling messages, but I need some advice for tiny little baby step to show my man what would make me happy (he wants to make me happy). Its for the case for example of the phone call where is no extra time for longer feeling messages. For now I feel that I have to begin with feeling messages about things I like/feel outside the relationship. I need time to speak in feeling messages about our relationship.
    I would be really grateful for some advice about telling what I want without being manipulative. Saying “I WANT” is right now too huge step for me. Receiving is one of my biggest quest, because I was always the giving one. And I am sure he will enjoy the giving part 🙂 i just feel that to change “overnight” could be to much for me and for him. I promise myself that I will practice tools, feeling feelings, and just everything. And focus on myself I am just looking for the first kick-off tiny baby-step, cause I HAD a looot of issues, I won over depression, suicide, etc. and now it is really like REBIRTH and I dont want (much easier then saying “I want”, lol) to rush it.
    What was your first baby-step with man? (I mean after first baby steps with yourself)

    Thank a lot!

  193.  #193Ella on June 28, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Feel heavy arms and achy heart.

    Feel like I need a man to give me approval and fill the whole in my heart!

    Urgh! And I feel afraid of that image.

    What can I do to give myself approval and fill my own emotional hole?

    How can I love me more and look after and cherish my heart.

    I feel incapable. Is that a feeling?

    Maybe powerless. Unable to look after myself and my own emotions.

    Oh g8d I can’t imagine my life without Pubman ever again.


  194.  #194FlowerChild77 on June 28, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    (((Ella))) I know that feeling you described (heavy sadness/sick.) When you put this together with the gratefulness of knowing the truth—for me this feeling (the soup of all of it) is actually “growing pains.” It hurts, but deep, deep inside you know it’s a good thing for you to be out of this.

    What you said to this other woman was very kind and very Sireny. <3

    Try to be gentle with yourself and remember that this is growth and progress. None of what happened means you are not important or not good enough—it means that that this guy is a player and you are a Siren who said, "No." 🙂

    Reading about your journey is inspiring.

  195.  #195Ella on June 28, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    Feel sick and hurt and I want to contact him and tell him how I feel and I can’t. And probably wouldn’t anyway.

    I feel afraid.

    What if I will always be on my own, whilst everyone else gets picked bc they will accept some crumbs.

  196.  #196flower on June 28, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    yeah id be pissed off if some woman made me feel like u and then again if i let her , i dont let women make me feel like that anyway it shows their value and obviously this one is not acting like a sane person , why do u concentrate on her?

    try using the ‘space before reaction ‘ this is something some man who survived nazi camp talks about as what made him stay sane and survive it and u can definatley use it in any situation as there is always space before u react

  197.  #197Lilybelle on June 28, 2011 at 3:23 pm



    I understand how you feel but I hope that in a little while, you will feel gratitude. Gratitude for finding out now and for saving your heart. You deserve so, so, SO much more.

    Your response to her was absolutely the most Siren-y, feminine response ever and I am so proud of you! So very proud. When I grow up, I want to be like you!

    Seriously, you were amazing.

    P.S.~ I worry sometimes too, that by not accepting crumbs, I am going to be alone forever too. You are not along here.

  198.  #198Ella on June 28, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    Flower I feel confused.

    I am not concentrating on her.

  199.  #199Ella on June 28, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    I feel angry.

  200.  #200Ella on June 28, 2011 at 3:28 pm


    Thank you for the support!

    You are like me! Lol… all grown up.


    I feel warmer.

    I don’t think you will miss out cus of not accepting crumbs, therefore the same must apply for me…

    Getting there on beleiving it!


  201.  #201flower on June 28, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    besides whats so great about a guy who cant tell the truth to anybody ok maybe hes great f**** for some thats the thing , i dunno …..ok maybe he has soem qualities but she is 2 yrs his gf and he hides that..hmm , whatever , hes not aquarius is he.

  202.  #202Ella on June 28, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Flower thank you for the suggestion.

    Not sure of that tool and I did take space before reacting, in order to choose my reaction, from a place of calm. Lots of it.

    The messages from her started yesterday. And that latest one was earlier today.

    Before I responded I finished my new job today and then went and taught my Zumba class.

    It felt hard to get my Zumba head on but I evaluated what was more important to me, this drama or my Zumba class… Zumba won.

    I texted him after Zumba whilst feeling much calmer.

    Oh, did I mention I also had texts from a mutual ‘friend’ asking me if I had slept with him and pressuring me to talk to her cus she was looking out for her!


    I felt/feel alone.

  203.  #203Lilybelle on June 28, 2011 at 3:32 pm


    Seriously, you handled this beautifully and if you were here, I would hug you hard.

    The same does apply becuase when I look at you, I don’t think you will miss out either.

    Feel good, feel strong and feel like the wonderful, vibrant siren you are, Sister.

  204.  #204Ella on June 28, 2011 at 3:36 pm


    I feel defensive reading your posts.

  205.  #205flower on June 28, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    dont wanna sound bad, jsut from reading the few comments u made

    anyhow my geminis fighting not to go and chase this pisces right now , ill see him anyway , see him at least monday nite, friday, sat if i go out , see him at shops , in the street, u name it , hes gerogous, funny, not boring, ud think hes wise as he can talk as no other man and express – but maybe he ate all the books on relationships i don’t honestly know but he has huge ego and says he doesn’t, he can be rude and ignorant and disrespectful and i am confused as i saw him as alpha that could pick any girl he wanted but now i see ugl girls doing whatever they want with him on dancefloor (oposite of alpha male) ..do people change so much in such short time….

    i dunno , hes pisces though , call it split personality or i dunno , hes got a lot of feminine energy too , some people think he was gay when they meet him…i dont think he is , maybe a little bit as hes got feminine energy but then he showed his alpha male side ..and yes whatever the issue with him is he keeps my brain working all the time and i must im gemini 🙂

  206.  #206flower on June 28, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    i feel alive when my brain works, when its a bad guy or whatever u wanna call it and i feel alive when i do things so this is hard to jsut lean back

  207.  #207flower on June 28, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    why defensive? whats there at risk ? to defend?

  208.  #208Patricia on June 28, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    re the trial separation.
    I can only comment on my own experience and yours may or may not parallel….my summary would be that they work if both parties agree to the terms (in writing even if informally, even better if a lawyer has a chance to glance over it for an hour) and that they work if both parties follow it. The more complicated the situation the more difficult it can be to come to an agreement (ie if there is considerable property, children, conflicting work schedules, distance etc. )…..this is with regards to separating from a marriage. I think separating from a shorter term relationship is different and less complicated, though I appreciate that emotionally both can be very difficult. If a couple was amicable during the disagreement that might have started the talk of separation it might work, but as soon as conflict escalates or there is contempt or mistrust, or animosity, the chances of it working become slimmer and it needs to be formalized. Hope this helps. Not a fun topic!

  209.  #209Ella on June 28, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    Flower, its just how I feel.

    The vibe from your posts feels a little masculine and judgmental at times to me.

    I feel triggered.

    Its like 201, I immediately feel defensive and want to explain how I haven’t f8cked him and I am not trying to say he is great.

    Also want to defend men when I perceive they are being labelled.

    And this is just me.

    It is highly possible that I am feeling mega sensitive today.

  210.  #210Ella on June 28, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    Feel like blocking him off on FB… unfriending him.

    Don’t want to do anything in an angry reaction energy, and yet I do feel angry.

    Right now I think I never want to see him again.

    I feel like cutting him off to punish him.

    And also part of me feels like it could actually be quite good for me to further sever the link.

  211.  #211Ella on June 28, 2011 at 4:19 pm


    Awww thanks.

    Hugs. xoxox

  212.  #212RiverGirl on June 28, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    ” Then I said ‘I do feel for you. I know how it is to be caught up on a man and feel confused. If I was trying to decide what to do about a man I might ask whether OI felt safe and loved with him all the time. And whether I trusted him. I would listen to my instincts.’”

    (((Ella))) you did so well! You were put on the spot and like a true siren, you paused and chose the right words to respond to her. I hope I could do as well in those kind of circumstances.

  213.  #213Ella on June 28, 2011 at 4:31 pm


    Thank you.

    🙂 xx

  214.  #214Ella on June 28, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Urghh, she read my private FMs that I sent to him.

    I feel exposed.

    That feels icky. Having s stranger who I did not invite in read my feelings that I expressed to him.

    I feel violated.

  215.  #215RiverGirl on June 28, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    @ 117
    Patricia, if feel a little confused and misunderstood reading your questions to me. That doesn’t sound like what I was suggesting for her at all. Maybe you could look again at my comment 106.

  216.  #216RiverGirl on June 28, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    214: Ella says:

    “Urghh, she read my private FMs that I sent to him.
    I feel exposed.
    That feels icky. Having s stranger who I did not invite in read my feelings that I expressed to him.
    I feel violated.”

    That is one of my fears around texting or chatting on line too much with a man. I’m scared they will fall in the wrong hands, or worse, if the relationship changed he might deliberately show them to someone else. I feel so much safer talking in person or on the phone.

  217.  #217Ella on June 28, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    I feel angry.

    How dare she violate my (and his) privacy!


    Just cus she has the title of g,friend and some kind of imaginary relationship.


  218.  #218RiverGirl on June 28, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    I’m feeling sad and a bit lost right now. I need to write a eulogy for my grandmother’s funeral tomorrow. I want to do it but I just can’t seem to get started. Can’t seem to find the right words to express how much she meant to us.

  219.  #219Lilybelle on June 28, 2011 at 5:08 pm



    So sorry for your loss. The words will come, Perhaps start with a favorite childhood memory? My grandmother stored her crackers in the oven and made the very best ever Chicken Noodle Soup. She would make her own noodles, long before pasta machines were invented and they were sooooo good. She also had a jewelry box filled with costume jewelry that I played in for hours. When she passed away, I received that jewelry. Open your heart to the memories and the words will come.

    Big hugs~


  220.  #220Ella on June 28, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    Hugs Rivergirl.

    Can you try just basking in memories of her (maybe the good ones) and see what comes up?


  221.  #221Ella on June 28, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    Does anyone have an opinion on this?

    J, who I met and spent time with @ the weekend posted on my FB wall saying

    ‘I am initiating here so don’t let me down. Here is my number …… gimme a call when you have some free time’

    I really like him.

    I posted underneath that it felt great to hear from him and that I have PM-ed him my number.

    Then I did exactly that.

    Now I am feeling impatient. He told me to call… but that would be leaning forward right, even tho he directed me to?

    Arghh. I am feeling impatient.

    Interesting note how I find one of the most challenging parts of CD-ing ‘treat them all equally’

    Its so hard to treat the ones I feel no attraction to the same as the ones I am hot for!


    My time is precious.

    I feel resistant to this.

  222.  #222RiverGirl on June 28, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Thank you Lil, it feels reassuring to read that.
    Your story reminds me of a beautiful carved camphor laurel chest Grandmother used to keep memorabilia in. I remember as a little girl being so curious about it and feeling so special when she would open it up sometimes and show me her treasures. She gave me that box a few years ago.
    It’s mid winter here now and, inspired by your grandmother, I think I’ll go and make a cup of chicken noodle soup..just the instant packet variety unfortunately but it should warm me up a bit.

  223.  #223RiverGirl on June 28, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    Thanks Ella, that would feel good to do.

  224.  #224Lilybelle on June 28, 2011 at 5:47 pm


    Awww, RiverGirl~

    Our Grandmothers surround us both with love because of these memories we shared. I will be with you in heart tomorrow.

    Enjoy your soup.

  225.  #225Lilybelle on June 28, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    173, 174 and 175:


    Thank you for the thoughts to noodle on. I appreciate you very much.

  226.  #226Letitshine on June 28, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    Wow. I was wondering where everybody was and knew it couldn’t just be it’s Monday and we are all busy. I totally missed we were on a new thread!

    So I couldn’t read everything as I must work and re-color my hair for the third time in 3 days. I hope it doesn’t fall out:).

    105: Ella- whew- I feel bad I couldn’t help in the moment. At first I liked this advice but also saw later the comment about authenticity and who the heck has the right to ask you if you slept with him. I’m sure you already responded but curious how it went. I feel maybe this comment is good but don’t even answer whether you slept with him or not. It’s not her business. I have this saying that almost applies here that I have to read to myself constantly because I still admit I have trouble with worrying what other’s think of me but I am getting much much better….” When someone else gives their opinion that you don’t agree with… look them in the eye and say.. What you think of me is none of MY business”… clever but it so helps me.

    109.. I am so sorry… I am on week 2 and have my ups and downs… I feel your pain!!! I don’t know what to say… the only thing that gives me some relief is the notion that I must feel the pain, guck and soup in order to feel better. I have to say it has been a struggle so we can get each other through it hopefully:)

    So my recent ex-BF. I asked for the waterskis back on Sunday and just got and “ok” so I said thanks. Well tonight I got a text (Tuesdays were always our night to see each other due to kids schedules… we were committed, exclusive for 2.5 months.. I know… but well it happened and I didn’t ask for it and tried to CD but well, after 2 times of saying no I just couldn’t and now here I am with a guy who says he doesn’t know what he wants)… so 2 weeks ago today was last contact where I told him I felt confused and disrespected when guy goes back and forth (he said one minute he was spooked and the next he doesn’t know). So I said no contact and no friends. But I had to get my skis back which has filled me up with so so so much triggering. I have even thought.. forget the darn skis– I’m not sure I could handle going to his place again….

    So tonight I got a text “got the skis on my way back to XXXX” … WHY THE HECK do I need to know that? I told him to leave them outside Friday morning??? Hmmm. Okay, I’ve noticed I’ve started in my head… he wants to know if I’m with someone, right or why the F would he tell me this??. I know the advice is to ignore ignore ignore… Ifeel so confused and bad about that… I feel like I’m playing games… this guy is sensitive and more feminine energy BTW- very affectionate…. I love him so much and I’m trying hard to focus on me me me…. So I don’t respond at all , right?????? why do I feel so bad about that….. I mean if I don’t care about getting him back (which is totally not the truth but if that is how it is suppose to look… and I am to treat him like every other guy…wouldn’t I respond????).. hmmm. what am I missing????? and what is this suppose to look stuff?? I want the guy back (a few caveats of course but I think … don’t know 100% he would agree but pretty sure…no more belittling…. no more withholding how we feel …. but other than that… perfect).. but I’m not allowed to tell him that??? this break up stuff is very confusing.

  227.  #227Letitshine on June 28, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    Oh and BTW… forgot the triggering part. As soon as I got the text from him, I immediately burst into tears….. because I felt so excited to get a text from him and so sad because I guess after Friday, I need to officially move on…like the skis were holding us together…so weird I know…. but after the skis.. I have no reason to contact him anymore… and my estimated guess is… he knows that…. I know… I’m not suppose to be thinking of why he is doing something… this is a very hard thing for me I noticed… except in my previous marriage… which I didn’t have to think… I knew how he felt and I knew I could get what I wanted with the snap of a finger.. which is why I married him… check, check, check box.. except realized later well- maybe knew it but talked myself out of it.. I didn’t love him.. I think that is why this is so hard for me… I finally find someone I love and honestly, I know in my heart he loves me but we can’t get past the past (not me… although I have to admit I have contributed by not being as in touch with my feelings and expressing them as well as I could have.. I have improved but need to improve more)… funny,.. somewhere I got this notion to withdraw, withdraw, withdraw.. almost I feel like I am in a war zone… retreat… retreat… retreat…. and this man… wow… the first time I ever felt comfortable enough to not be like that … until… he started trying to find reasons way way way in the future of why we wouldn’t work and his dag gone inability to let someone in….. but interesting.. I look back and the guys I truly was enlove with.. I left.. and the guys who supposedly broke my heart.. they did at the time… but now it seems so clear… they were not right for me… this one I know 100% is right for me … if he could only “work to work it out’ (Michael Buble)…. why do I shut myself down.. where exactly is that coming from then?? Why am I so afraid to feel in front of a man????

  228.  #228Letitshine on June 28, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    Ahhh that’s it!!! I’m afraid if I don’t respond, he will withdraw even further… I’m afraid he will think… how dare she go out with someone else…. I guess I lost her… oh well… I love her but I’m not gonna go chasing after her… oh and I’m afraid I pushed him away by stating that a guy that goes back and forth I feel disrespected.. CC says to start of assuming the guy and you each respect each other’s feelings.. I’m afraid I’ve done something wrong.. against the advice of one of the gurus… I love him that I am so afraid to screw it up…. funny….he has said that to me a couple of times too… WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY??????????????????????????/

  229.  #229Femininewoman on June 28, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    RE 192: Elanesse I believe “I would be happy if or it would make me happy if” is fine also. Thanks for sharing your story

  230.  #230Femininewoman on June 28, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    RE 179 I have heard more than one coach say that a man who is addicted cannot commit.

  231.  #231Letitshine on June 28, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    Ah ha.. multiple posts I know but going with the moment and hope it helps someone else too:)

    So… now I’m like… ha …. he wants to see if I am going to respond to him.. oh … the games.. they are games .. but I think he’s sort a cute..oh that’s when you know you are in trouble!!!!

    But still… I’m feelin like… I don’t owe you an immediate response anymore.. we are not friends, we are not dating, we are not BF/GF so too bad.. I love me more to know that I don’t have to respond to your every whim….oohh… part of me still feels a little bad… wow.. this is soooooooooo different for me.. but I noticed I feel empowered.. and I LIKE it!!!

  232.  #232Letitshine on June 28, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    @221… I can so relate!!! I totally had trouble with that right before my ex and I committed… it is sooo hard to treat them all equally when in your heart you know it is different… I am still learning all this stuff but if he asked you to call, then my personal opinion is that is not leaning forward… I guess unless you responded with “I don’t feel comforatable contacting guys..” seems like splitting hairs to me… but maybe a more experienced siren could help!!

  233.  #233Patricia on June 28, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    Thank you all for the short experience on this blog ladies. I feel uncomfortable and think that it’s not for me. Take good care and I wish you all well.

  234.  #234RiverGirl on June 28, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    Hi Patricia,
    I hope my reply to you early hasn’t made you feel uncomfortable, sorry if I seemed abrupt, I didn’t mean to come across like that. I’m just not in a place right now to go any further into it.

    This blog is a very dynamic place and the mood here changes a lot. Some days I experience huge learning and support here, but on other days I feel turned off and disinterested in what I read.

    I understand that it doesn’t suit everyone, but I have got tremendous value from it. I hope you will stay reading and comment again sometimes. Take care.

  235.  #235mary on June 28, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    Patricia, occasionally I drop in and read and I always think you have good comments. What’s up?

  236.  #236Lucy on June 28, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    Hugs, Mel. I haven’t read everything but did read some… 🙁

  237.  #237mary on June 28, 2011 at 8:25 pm



    Another girl in the picture! A two-year girl. No matter how you look at it, it’s not a pretty picture.

    Is it?

    Probably feels terrible to know about that, and to actually be contacted by her.

    I was encouraged by that little part of you that felt okay!

  238.  #238Lucy on June 28, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    To all – this is a clever but sad parable about female casual sex from one man’s perspective. 🙁 A fb friend sent it to me.


  239.  #239mary on June 28, 2011 at 8:30 pm


    I had a trial separation with my first husband.

    He was doing a lot of cocaine. And he didn’t want to lose me. He wanted me to make a list of what he could do to keep me.

    I told him no about the list. I said, “I’m gonna move out now. (I was about 30 and I had two kids and no career.) Let’s spend a year not really talking to each other unless we need to talk about logistic things about the kids.” And I went to a lawyer and had him make up a “Separation Agreement.” I lived in Texas and there was no such thing, but the lawyer drafted up what looked like a divorce document and called it that, for me (it wasn’t against the law to do that.) Then I gave it to my husband and moved out.

    He did nothing to improve anything (still was doing drugs) at the end of the year, so I told him I was gonna go ahead and divorce him. He said, “Oh, please give me another year!” So I did. And this time we talked and laughed on the phone, while all the time I was living in my apartment with the kids and going to school. At the end of that year, he still had made no effort to solve the drug problem, so I divorced him.

    I gave him a lot of time but it worked for me. One day it was enough. And I left. And that was that.

    I’ve never had any regrets.

  240.  #240mary on June 28, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    ooooooh, Lucy… I just read your link…

    Good to read!

  241.  #241kaitlyn on June 28, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    Tinque and all,

    Adam fwd’d me a closing letter he wrote to his ex last night. He asked me for feedback. He said I was the only person other than her he was sending it to. I felt drained. Not by him, but by my own emotions. And weirded out like I’d just witnessed something too private. I just replied ‘glad you got closure. And I appreciate you confiding in me.’

    He replied back ‘thanks. she never wrote back to me. who knows if she got it or read it and trashed it.’

    And he called and we talked for a long time today. Same stuff where he talks about his depression and now again-drug use/withdrawal, and I just listened. I then talked about what a great weekend I had and he mentioned his new career developments. I told him I feel admiration for him. He was very appreciative and said I’m one of the few ppl he trusts. I said I missed him. He said he misses me but is only interested in being my friend. I told him that feels disappointing to hear but yeah we’ll be friends.

    I suck.

    And yes, I’ve been trying to cd lately.

    I suck.

    And sorry I’ve no advice for Mel or Ella who have bigger probs than I do. I’m really bad at this stuff.

  242.  #242kaitlyn on June 28, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    I ruined everything by taking that Paris job.

  243.  #243Letitshine on June 28, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    241 YOU don’t suck!!! It is VERY VERY hard to resist someone you have strong feelings for….I KNOW!!! At least your CD.. I can’t even do that right now… of course I really don’t have time and well okay… I’m just not quite ready… i want to spend a couple more weeks focusing on me and healing… I feel better if I can be somewhat on the mend…. anyway… Your not bad at this stuff… we all have such unique situations and we all are trying our best… getting control (I don’t mean not showing them but feeling and expressing in a good way) is really hard when you have umpteen years and previous experiences to naturally put you into old patterns!!!! Rori has a few good posts under friends, lovers and back I think that has helped me over the last couple weeks-even if just for a moment..give yourself a hug.. you deserve it!!

  244.  #244kaitlyn on June 28, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    243, thanks but reading rori’s friends to lovers entry will only trigger ‘maybe he’ll be mine again.’ ugh. thats called denial.

    and just so ppl know here, and i expressed this to adam when he insinuated this, IN NO WAY was i being a supportive listener to him thru all this in hopes to gain him as a bf. i just had empathy for him. sure, part of me did it because i felt it was my payback to prove loyalty to him due to my paris jaunt. and sure, part of me did think this was what i needed to do because he needed me, and that i wasnt going to be like other girls who left him due to his depression. besides, he knows about my depression and eating disorders.

  245.  #245kaitlyn on June 28, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    i feel so stupid. or maybe tinque reminding me ‘be patient. this is a very depressed guy who doesn’t know what he wants, but he is interested in you’ is true.

    meanwhile, i have a lovely gash on my leg from falling on an open dishwasher because i haven’t had anything to eat in 2 days because i’m worrying about my career. maybe i should text him that.

  246.  #246kaitlyn on June 28, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    screw this. i’m taking an oxy80 tonight. i’d go to a bar and try to siren it up, but that involves putting on makeup (too lazy) and drinking (calories ew.)

  247.  #247kaitlyn on June 28, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    I don’t know why, but I feel like when he said writing the letter made him feel closure…it was his final use for me and any other contact to me will just be casual/ like a buddy at best.

  248.  #248kaitlyn on June 28, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    He didn’t say that or convey that at all, but I feel down and that’s how I feel.

  249.  #249Senior Lady Vibe on June 28, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    @181: Brenda says:
    RE: #142 – Leaving in the morning with the pets is good in theory. But in reality, it means leaving them in the car while I’m in the library or what-have-you,…”

    Hi Brenda, I was one who originally posted about spending less time where you are living. I believe that is a good strategy for extending welcome. My suggestion was for spending more time in parks with the dogs outside, or at friends’s houses.

    I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to leave animals in a car. I never did that with mine and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone else. I hope things are working out for you.


  250.  #250gina on June 28, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    He sounds all mixed up, I like Tinque’s advice. It is hard to be patient, though, huh…?

  251.  #251Senior Lady Vibe on June 28, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    @187: Ella says:
    “…he acted like she was nothing important at all and he didn’t want to talk about her and he said he was geting rid of her…”

    I would regard as a red flag, if I heard a man speak of an intimate partner (former or current) this way: “getting rid of her.” I consider this disrespectful and I would find such a man subpar and unattractive.


  252.  #252Senior Lady Vibe on June 28, 2011 at 10:17 pm

    @195: Ella says:
    “…What if I will always be on my own, …”

    Then you will always have someone who loves you, you! And if that’s true, there’s a chance someone else will too… just to get in on all that loving…


  253.  #253gina on June 28, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    I’m contemplating a bold move, and would love feedback:

    Recap – once D moved, he called a lot, but when he was wanting me, I was resistant and vice versa. Then I spouted off to him about how I want a real relationship, not this imaginary stuff, I felt heartbroken and sad and angry that I wasn’t gettin his best, and I told hime (in way too much detail) about how if he isn’t gonna give me the goods, then I don’t want to hear from him because he’s just upsetting me. He kept saying that he didn’t know what to say to me, that he didn’t know what I wanted him to say and that he didn’t want to talk at the moment cause he was cranky. He said he’d call later. Didn’t call. Next day he texted “Hi G”, I said “hey” got no response for an hour, so I said “Feelin annoyed at the casual hello after the unfinished convo last night” No response. 2 weeks later: “Hey G, sorry I’ve been so distant. My life has been bananas. Hope you’re doing great!” I didn’t respond. 6 torturous weeks later, and I’m still hung up about it. Sunday, I went to church and the sermon inspired a realization that has been growing over the last few weeks that I am guilty of a lot of what I’ve accused him of. And I’m guilty of some stuff that was exclusively mine, and it inspired the bad behavior in him – so I feel more compelled to forgive, and I feel less like a victim. but mostly I just feel like I NEED him in my life. And maybe it’ll pass. but a part of me wonders if this isn’t a good realization. Cause when we were together, I remember him telling me all about how much he just loved me and couldn’t get enough and wanted and needed me. And I was aloof and said that I liked being around him and that I wanted him, but I didn’t need him. And now, I know I can take care of my own happiness, but I REALLY miss the Him and Me that was in the Vortex for a while last summer. So I sent him a text 2 days ago: “Hey Derek, I’ve been thinking of you. I want you to know that I forgive you and I hope you forgive me.” And he didn’t respond.
    I am tossing the idea around in my head of making a trip up to Boston. I will drive to the dang airport, go through freakin security, take the scary flight, and take a cab to his restaurant. Make sure that I get about 30 minutes to speak with him, and then I’ll plan to take another flight home a few hours later. In that time, I will let him know that I went through all that trouble to let him know that I love him and that I am willing to make sacrifices for him, and that I’m very sorry for the ways that I helped blow our relationship, and I want him to see how much I believe in us, and how willing I am to make it good again. If he’s game, then he can buy my return flight whenever. If he isn’t, then at least I will know for sure.
    I kept b*tching at him about how he needed to make up for all the crummy things he did since we broke up, but the truth is that I was the first to be a bit of a jerk.
    I dunno ladies – just tossing it around in my head. I’m gonna let it sit. and maybe i’ll bump into a friend of his, or something will give me the information I will need to make a decision about whether to make such a bold and expensive move. What do you think???

  254.  #254Senior Lady Vibe on June 28, 2011 at 10:25 pm

    @Ella says:
    “…Urghh, she read my private FMs that I sent to him…”

    Time to delete him from your stream of communication…


  255.  #255Senior Lady Vibe on June 28, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    @218: RiverGirl says:
    “…Can’t seem to find the right words to express how much she meant to us…”

    Instead of using adjectives to describe her, tell some little past stories of her with you and other friends and family members. This will show her still living in your hearts.


  256.  #256Senior Lady Vibe on June 28, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    @219: Lilybelle says:
    “…Open your heart to the memories and the words will come.
    Big hugs…”

    Yes! This is how I remember my parents and grandparents.

    RiverGirl, I am sorry for your loss. You have your memories, tell them and the words will flow. Don’t be afraid to tell a funny story at the service, people will be comforted by it.


  257.  #257Janelle on June 28, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    Gina, an unannounced impromptu plan to show up at his restaurant sounds like a plan to fail to me. Try Rori’s feeling messages first and work to restablish trust and communication. Like tell him that you feel you need to see him and talk about making things work better between you, what does he think?

  258.  #258mary on June 29, 2011 at 12:31 am

    ooooooh, Gina.

    He should be showing up on YOUR doorstep. Isn’t that his job?

    You texted him and told him you forgave him and that you hope he has forgiven you. That even sounds like too much to me!

    I’m thinking that just waiting is the answer. And getting busy and getting out there with your wonderful, fabulous life.

    If you make all that effort and go to all that expense to go to his WORK (right?) he will be surprised and he will probably lose respect for you. I know it sounds crazy, because he should respect the effort, but he’ll LOSE INTEREST IN YOU.

    I think that distance and time are on your side.

    Just do nothing and wait. And be happy. And be joyful. And make new friends. And do something different with your hair. And find some great new colors to wear for summer! And paint your nails. And be busy. So if and when he calls, you’re full of things to tell him about your rockstar life.

    That’s my take on it!


  259.  #259LuckyMama on June 29, 2011 at 12:42 am

    GInA, jus txt him ull be in boston, and if he wants to see u, along with a fabulous pic of urself. If he does and he thinks about u the same way he will. If not he might be with someone at the moment.

  260.  #260mary on June 29, 2011 at 12:47 am

    Mmmmm… Gina…

    Here’s what Rori says about chasing a man:

    “You chase him by calling him first, texting him all the time, asking where he was and why didn’t he call, expecting him to make plans with you, asking him out to “hang out” with you or offering to make him dinner when he hasn’t asked you first, talking about your future together or the fact that you’re a couple when he hasn’t expressed that himself… etc. It’s about GIVING without getting much back.

    So, at this point he has three choices:

    1. If he thinks you’re hot (and you ARE), then he’ll take advantage of you and your need. He’ll get you into bed and enjoy himself with your body and heart and the energy you’re putting out to him. He enjoys the feeling of being so charming and successfully seductive with you. The problem is, he’ll never call again, or he’ll “gracefully” try to disappear by withdrawing or not making any more plans with you.

    2. If he “likes” you, and feels like you have things in common, he’ll go into “friend” mode with you. In this mode, he can date you, kiss you, and even have sex with you. He may even tell you he “loves” you. But he’ll never actually FALL IN LOVE with you. He’ll forever be your friend in his mind… until he meets a woman he really falls for and then breaks up with you.

    3. He’ll instinctively back away from you. You may mistake his backing away for FEAR, and you’ll go after him. You hang out where he hangs out, or you pretend not to care, not to notice him, and just look over at him once or twice to “let him know you’re still interested.”

    When you “chase” a man, he’ll back away even further. Even if you’re only THINKING about following him around or hanging out around his friends. It doesn’t matter. The vibe is out there, and he feels it.

    When you’re making this mistake, a man is actually repelled. He runs away.”

  261.  #261kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 1:14 am


    I’m not sure if I’ve done the right thing being there for him or just won Doormat of the Year. When he first discovered her rubbing salt into his already wound, along with his so-called friends’ betrayal, I was there for him. I felt empathetic as a fellow human being. But I had no idea his attention would shift from me to her/this for so long and so intensely. He says he feels closure now writing that manisfesto of a letter. But I feel worse reading it. And I’m not sure rather to feel flattered or appalled being let in on reading it.

  262.  #262kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 1:21 am

    Met a guy walking his greyhound. Good looking guy and I suppose he lives in Bev Hills. That’s where I go running at night (visual and safe), and that’s where the guy was. Then upon further intro, something seemed off about him. So, I felt bold and blurted, “Dude, how much coke are you on?” He said, “Lots! You want some?” Ugh. No. Gross. I can’t win.

  263.  #263Kyla on June 29, 2011 at 1:33 am


    Huge, warm hugs for you.

    I feel happy to hear you are attracting support and offers of assistance. I would not make any hasty decisions but I would give myself plenty of options. Put your boy energy into getting all the legal advice and emotional support you can and then employ your girl to do what feels best for you. One little step at a time.

    Take amazing care of yourself.


  264.  #264Kyla on June 29, 2011 at 1:50 am


    Wow! So much drama and you handled it all so well. Very sireny, compassionate and dignified.

    I felt very triggered reading about the gf and hearing pubman in the background. The message for me was I do not want to be involved with a man who’s not completely available and totally into me. I feel unimportant and resentful being a third party in someone else’s drama. I don’t want a man that is a player and is pursuing many women. I feel insignificant when I’m one of many. I don’t want a boyfriend who lies and cheats and makes me feel ‘crazy’ and feel the urgent need to harass strangers for the truth. I feel humiliation and powerless and FEAR.

    Ick, ick, ick!

    I love the message from J on facebook though, that felt really good to read 🙂

  265.  #265kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 2:34 am

    I feel used.

  266.  #266Kyla on June 29, 2011 at 2:34 am

    I feel shaky and irritated 🙁

    I’ve been hearing so many stories lately of couples in my situation where one moved and the other planned on following.. but then never did. Ugh.. I feel sick, my stomach churns and my heart aches. I don’t want to focus on negative, bad feeling things. I must be attracting these messages to me with my own anxious thoughts. Okay, thank you for mirroring my fears back to me now I’ll tell my nv’s to sit in the corner and eat a cookie! lol that feels silly and smiley. Hmm..

    I’m putting my focus on the positives of moving. I’ve been shopping for my new work wardrobe 🙂 I bought myself a well fitting, tailored suit and a few coordinating separates including a skirt and dress. All the pieces I bought are formal, appropriate and flattering. I felt feminine, strong and successful trying them on.

    My dad has offered for the kids and I to move in with him rent-free for as long as we like. I felt resistant to the offer at first but now I feel warm and grateful thinking we have a ‘home’ to go to and will have company while we settle in and I can take my time looking around the area and finding our own place without any urgency.

    I will need to take night classes for my job as the industry is regulated and my foreign license only partially exempts me from the exams. I feel excited! I love studying and learning and it’s another opportunity to meet new people. Yay!

    I am procrastinating getting my to do list done here. I feel heavy and sluggish and pressured and sleepy. I feel guilty about procrastinating. My lower back is hot and achy, like period pains 🙁 I am going to just pick one thing to do now. Baby steps..

  267.  #267kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 2:50 am

    I feel like I can’t even express any of this to him because it would just make me look like and feel like less of a prize. You all and my friends are the only ones whom I can reveal myself.

  268.  #268kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 2:54 am

    Yet I’m so close to writing him, “Your letter to her taught me a lot about closure. Hence why I’m saying goodbye.”

  269.  #269Ella on June 29, 2011 at 3:06 am

    Kyla re 266,

    Wow, well done you. hat is amazing feminine powers of picking out the positives whilst still authentically feeling your feelings.

    I am loving how you can see the positive babysteps you are taking, even though the situation may not be the ‘ideal’ one you have as a kind of end product in your mind’s eye.

    Your posts feel inspiring!

    Hugs. xoxox

  270.  #270Ella on June 29, 2011 at 3:10 am

    Kyla re 264,

    Yes I have all those feelings too.

    Feel good and confused about the message from J as it tells me to contact him on the phone.

    I don’t do this but he doesn’t know that.

    I like him and want to explore this attraction further.

    Feel unsure whether to lean forward on this occasion.

    Any ideas anyone?

  271.  #271Ella on June 29, 2011 at 3:28 am

    Part of the reason I feel some confusion about whether I need to ‘do’ something more in terms of response with J is because on the weekend when we were at his brother’s and his brother was having flirtations with his ex, after kinda making a pass at me (this was before I realised there was any attraction with me and J) I said, whilst speaking to the ex who was kinda making good with me about the situation, I said something like ‘oh don’t worry I have other guys interested in me’ or something like that.

    I just blurted it out w/o really thinking. Partly to make her feel better and partly to make me feel better.

    J picked up on it and as the day wore on it became a standing joke and he was teasing me about my ‘multitude’ of men.

    And throuighout the day my phone kept ringing and it was CDs calling me. And I didn’t answer cus I was with him and I would have felt uncomfortable.

    After a while he asked who was calling me, was it my multitude of men (which obviously it was) and why wouldn’t I answer the phone?

    I said that I wouldn’t feel comfortable chatting to other people in front of people, and that the vibe today was chilled out and I did not feel like talking on the phone.

    Each time the phone went after that he looked uncomfortabe.

    I don’t know why but my phone picked that precise moment to become like a CD hotline.

    I feel worried that he is concerned about becoming one of the mutlitude of men who calls me and gets ‘ignored’ or so it looked to him.

    I really like him and when he contacted me on FB telling me he was initiating and to call him I felt like ‘Woohoo!!’ 🙂

    I put a public message under his that it felt great to hear from him and then PM-ed him just my number and some kisses (he had put 4 kisses on the wall post! 😉 )

    But he hasn’t contacted.

    I feel afraid of not getting the chance to explore something that felt really healthy, good and a little scary with someone really different, and I think cool, because of miscommunications.

    Or am I making excuses?

    Rori says when a man is coming at us we can feel it unmistakable.

    I feel confused.

    I did not let him know I prefer guys to call me, and I feel fear around my CD hotline phone situation.

    I feel fear of being viewed as a player or ‘easy’ or not girlfriend material.

    I feel annoyed and overwhelmed by all the guys who call me who Iam not attracted to.


    Some Siren guidence much appreciated.

  272.  #272Kyla on June 29, 2011 at 3:29 am


    You could respond to his comment by pm and tell him how you good you felt receiving his comment and how it would feel better to you for him to call and give him your number? Then lean back and see what happens.

  273.  #273Ella on June 29, 2011 at 3:32 am

    Hi Kyla,

    Thank you!

    I did PM him my number however I missed putting the bit about it felt good spending time with him and I feel better if he would call me…

    Do you think it is too late to PM him that bit now?

  274.  #274Kyla on June 29, 2011 at 3:33 am

    Oops just noticed you already messaged him.

    Would you feel lean forwardy or would you feel diva-ish if you message him that you are would prefer him to call – in a positive, feeling message? I think it depends on your vibe and your expectations. If you feel good expressing how you feel and your preferences and can let go of the outcome and just notice what does or doesn’t happen then I would feel good about messaging him like that.

  275.  #275Ella on June 29, 2011 at 4:06 am

    Urgh, I don’t really know.

    Guess I do feel kinda tied in to the outcome.

    Yeah, think it is probably best just to leave it.

    I am feeling quite confused about CDing again now though.

    All I see around me is women doing the opposite of the tools, not CD-ing, leaning forward, overfunctioning, and yet there they are enjoying the loving attention of a man, in a relationship.

    Here I am practicing all the tools, and yet not enjoying that.

    I feel frustrated.

    I know pretty much 100% of my women friends would probably jusy have text the guy, without a second thought, and felt Rockstar about it too I expect.

    Because they don’t know anything about leaning forward etc.

    And he would have responded.

    And they would be planning to meet each other.

    While I am sat here feeling stuck and frustrated.


    They would only have felt anything other than good if he subsequently didn’t reply. Which I am guessing
    in this case would be unlikely.

    Err, I might just do it.

    And send him a text.

    Oh I hate this re-occuring confusion I get over this kind of situation.

    I believe in Rori’s stuff and I sometimes feel doubtful abou whether we are too rigid with it?

    I a feeling of doubt in my soul.

    Esp when I know not all Sirens fully embrace all the tools.

    Just feeling confused.

    I might feel Rockstar about sending a text.

    And then leanback.

    Don’t know.

    How would it feel to send a text saying ‘Hey John. Thanks for your FB message. I have some free time over the weekend. xx’

    It might feel good.

    It would feel good.

    And how would it feel to recieve a reply? Great.

    And how would it feel not to recieve a reply? Icky and heavy.

  276.  #276Ella on June 29, 2011 at 4:08 am

    I am annoyed now that I did not just send him a text instead of FB messaging him.

    Might do it… ‘Hey hon, I have some free time over the weekend. xx’


  277.  #277Ella on June 29, 2011 at 5:15 am

    Well I did it.

    I leant forward.

    I sent a text saying ‘Hey hon. I have some free time at the weekend’.

    I am aware of what I did… leant forward. out of impatience! Eeek.

    Not sure how I feel.

    But the thoughts I an choosing are going to be Rockstar.

    Ie; I am a beautiful, confident woman. I am the prize. I have given him a chance. I leant forward a touch and it is fine.

    I gave him some information.

    I am free this weekend.

    I want to see him. And what he does with that is up to him.

    I am still amazing and I am going to have a lovely weekend (and life) loving myself anyway.

    I feel annoyed that his energy was not coming at me strong and that I gave in to my impatience.

    And I am also going to choose to be ok with what I have chosen in this instance and love and support myself anyway.

    Btw – do the dynamics change at all when you are dealing with a Bi-sexual person? Do we still have the traditional masc/fem roles.

    And if I choose Fem will he generally take masc?

    I love me.

    I am Rockstar and any man is lucky to have even a moment of my time.

    Ella love you. Breath and lean back.

    Hugs. xoxoxo

  278.  #278Kyla on June 29, 2011 at 5:24 am

    You are a rock star!

    Every smile, conversation and moment spent with you is a gift to a man whether he is ready to step up or not.

    I’m not sure about bi-sexuality but I’d assume it’s the same? I’ve really noticed if you are in feminine energy then you attract masculine energy to you and the more masculine the men in our life start to become around you. If they are more comfortable in feminine energy then I feel myself losing interest and attraction to them.

  279.  #279Lilybelle on June 29, 2011 at 5:30 am



    I hope that you will continue to read. When I first arrived, I felt a multitude of feelings from being here and some of them weren’t pretty but I stayed and the benefits far outweighed the negatives. I later found out that the uncomfortable-ness and often anger I felt, meant I had something in ME that needed take care of and healing. There is much love here and honesty and a feeling of acceptance for one anothers journey and help, lots and lots of help. I have forged some very wonderful, valuable friendships that continue off blog and it is wonderful to be with like minded women who accept you no matter what.

    The dynamics change a lot on a day to day basis but it has benefited me hugely and continues to do so. I suppose when it no longer does, I will leave. Sirens come and go and I understand it may not be for everyone so if you decide to bail, I wish you well.


  280.  #280Lilybelle on June 29, 2011 at 5:32 am





  281.  #281Butterfly Wings on June 29, 2011 at 6:05 am

    Hello ladies!

    I’m not sure if this snippet has been posted in the comments before, but I felt that tonight was a good time to post what I found a little while back. I received an email from EMK and the part that stood out for me was this:

    “The only thing you’ve lost when you get rejected is a man who DOESN’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU!!

    What kind of loss is that anyway?

    It’s like saying, “I’ve lost my cancer,” or “I’ve lost my emotional baggage”….”

    So for those of us who have ever been rejected by a man, rejoice! We just got rid of our cancer and emotional baggage! 😀

    Oh and Ella, I think you handled that pub guy’s gf VERY well. I don’t think I could have come up with such a perfect response.

    I do feel compassion for her though. She has no clue about Rori’s tools etc and doesn’t have the support we have, so she’s in this terrible place with a man who clearly doesn’t give a hoot about her. And her only way of “dealing” with her insecurities is to snoop around and to contact you to find out what’s going on.

    Of course that really wasn’t fair on you to do that, but I’m pretty sure her intention was purely to gain some kind of reassurance that he was not cheating on her. Nothing more.

    Fortunately for you Ella, you don’t have a guy like hers – you deserve so much better.

  282.  #282sweet rain on June 29, 2011 at 6:07 am

    Thanks SLV,

    I’m going to attend an AlAnon meeting where I might be able to find a third way.


  283.  #283Ella on June 29, 2011 at 6:12 am


    I unfriended Pubguy on FB…

    Just for me. I feel ok about it. It feels weird like getting all the ties severed.

    I love me.

  284.  #284Ella on June 29, 2011 at 6:13 am

    Kyla re 278

    Thanks. xx

    Butterfly Wings Thank you as well. xx

  285.  #285Ella on June 29, 2011 at 6:14 am

    Feel a lil weird bout leaning forward with J… and in the big scheme of things it really doesn’t matter!!

    I am just going to get stuck into my life now.

    Have another CD coming over tonight. Maybe we will get some dinner.


  286.  #286Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 6:47 am

    @262: kaitlyn says:
    “..So, I felt bold and blurted, “Dude, how much coke are you on?” He said, “Lots! You want some?” Ugh. No. Gross. I can’t win…”

    ROFL 😆 Thanks for sharing.

    If you see the humor here (bet you do inside) and you can giggle (even deep inside) at the absurdity … and think (even deep inside)… “Day-yum… I know I can do better than this…” then you are on your way to doing better.


  287.  #287Femininewoman on June 29, 2011 at 6:47 am

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  288.  #288kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 6:50 am

    286 Um, I’ve always known I was better than some coke head. Anyway, back to feeling stupid. At this point, I don’t know what’s an nv and what’s intuition. I feel like a doormat.

  289.  #289Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 6:56 am

    @282: sweet rain says:
    “…Thanks SLV,
    I’m going to attend an AlAnon meeting where I might be able to find a third way.

    Did you read Rori’s words on this? That’s what I was referring to. All the best to you.


  290.  #290kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 6:58 am

    282 Say hello to Adam’s ex there while she garbles through the serenity prayer with his sponsor’s d1ck in her mouth.

  291.  #291Ella on June 29, 2011 at 6:58 am

    Re 286,

    I agree! 🙂

  292.  #292Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 7:02 am

    @288: kaitlyn says:
    “…@286 Um, I’ve always known I was better than some coke head. Anyway, back to feeling stupid…”

    From what you post, sometimes that’s hard to tell… But I’m hoping you are better than to accept the attention of one. Second thought…I don’t have to “hope”… I think you are.


  293.  #293Ella on June 29, 2011 at 7:06 am

    I just was reading an e-mail from dating coach Terry MacDonald… about men calling after a date.

    In relation to J.

    Ok, working through it.

    What are the dynamics here?

    He asked to see me again.

    As he left after date he told me Facebook him.

    I didn’t.

    He Facebooked me leaving a wall post asking me to call him when I have some free time.

    I answered his wall post and PM-ed him my number.

    Then I just text him I have some free time over the weekend.

    Nothing back yet.

    I am just trying to work out who holds the power here (and does it really matter).

    Did I give away all my power by texting?

    Well the truth is I hold all the power anyway.

    The power of choice, about men, my life and how I choose to respond to situations.

    But how does the relationship balance look here?

    If I lean back now are we already out of kilter from my text?

    Does it make a difference that he already did the initiating.

    And do you blow it from something as small as one text if a guy is making moves towards you? Or is that being exteme?

    These are some interesting questions that are coming up for me today and I would like to hear what other Sirens think… feel?


  294.  #294Ella on June 29, 2011 at 7:18 am

    Ok, Just thinking out loud here.

    I really want to get my new internet site up and running.

    And I am in debt and don’t really have spare money to pay for it atm…

    Should I just hold out until I have the money or should I shell out and make a start, thereby increasing my debt?

    I feel really inspired about this internet site… and I have lots of ideas ready to go on it…

    Domain name already registered and I am paying a small monthly fee to the hosting company but no actual website yet.

  295.  #295kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 7:23 am


    How about finding some college kid who needs extra loot to do your site? and as for design, have him do something minimal yet sleek looking.

  296.  #296Kyla on June 29, 2011 at 7:26 am

    ella how about looking into a free website building site as a temporary option until you can afford paying someone to design one for you? there are free sites such as weebly[dot]com that are completely free to use, have a choice of templates, drop and drag features and you can use your own domain name.

  297.  #297Kyla on June 29, 2011 at 7:39 am


    the biggest indicator to me that its a nv is if there is urgency for action it’s not a true feeling. nv’s are fear based and unless we are in physical danger the adrenaline and ‘fight or flight’ urgency it creates is not real.

  298.  #298Ella on June 29, 2011 at 7:45 am


    Love your suggestion, made me smile. I don’t think I know any desperate for money IT techy type of dudes…

    Kyla – yes that may be an option for now…


  299.  #299Ella on June 29, 2011 at 7:48 am


    I know from your posts you did some leaning forward with Adam, and I know that is not looking so great curently, but I know there was some leaning forward, and then some leaning back on your part.

    I would really like your input on my lil leaning forward described above.

    I can’t remember clearly, were there times when you leant forward with Adam, say like a text, and it took him a while to reply?


  300.  #300gina on June 29, 2011 at 7:52 am

    But ladies,
    I broke up with him and I wasn’t very nice to him toward the end of our relationship. And he always lamented afterwards how he loved me so much and treated me “like gold” and he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with me. It used to just annoy me when he said that – like he was whining. But now I don’t feel as annoyed about his way of communicating, and I feel bad about what he is saying. And it is true that he did treat me very well while we were together. But I was a bit of a brat. When he was begging me to move to boston with him, I listed all the negatives about the east coast. When he asked me to come visit (on his dime) I griped about how I wouldn’t want to make the trip to the airport on his behalf, cause I still held things against him from months ago. And I said I wouldn’t want to go through airport security (cause I really do hate it).

  301.  #301Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 7:55 am

    @294: Ella says:
    “… thereby increasing my debt?
    Domain name already registered and I am paying a small monthly fee to the hosting company but no actual website yet….”

    Where is the debt? In U.S. this would cost about $10 registration, one off and $10 per month hosting. Putting up your website is free. Does your hosting have c-panel with Fantastico? If so you can use WordPress (the free CMS software, not the web site) and put it up yourself within an hour. The SEO plugins are mostly free too!

    There are free tutorials everywhere. All over YouTube.


  302.  #302Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 8:07 am


    My favorite price is… “free!” 😀

    Free Wordpress themes ==>


    There must be something there you can use. WordPress is WYSIWYG like blogger. If you can type in posts on the Rori blog you can post using WordPress. No code needed, or hardly little.

    Not to be confused with the WordPress web site which offers free web site such as the one Terry Hernon MacDonald is currently using. Use your own hosting and URL and a WordPress theme. You already have that so everything else is FREE!


  303.  #303Ella on June 29, 2011 at 8:14 am


    I was going to pay a friend of mine who is a web designer 150 pounds to design my site.

    Eventually I would like a sit with a few different pages and a blog like Rori’s & Tinque’s where people can post comments, and also the ability to sell products.

    But I could start out just with some kind of free blog as you suggested.

    I always shy away from these type of things because I feel so totally out of my depth.

    I feel worried that a free website that I designed myself would look unprofessional and I would not know how to promote it, therefore people would not visit and enjoy it…


  304.  #304Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 8:35 am

    @303: Ella says:
    I was going to pay a friend of mine who is a web designer 150 pounds to design my site…”

    Is that about $USD300? That sounds like not too bad a price if you can get what you want. Would your friend take three monthly installments? Or maybe pay more over six months but you also get support for your site?

    As Kyla suggested you could start sites with web builders. But beware they are not all commercial friendly. I think Weeby and Blogger (blogspot) cut you a little more slack but you still are bound by a TOS (terms of service)

    Eventually I would like a sit with a few different pages and a blog like Rori’s & Tinque’s where people can post comments, and also the ability to sell products.

    But I could start out just with some kind of free blog as you suggested.

    I always shy away from these type of things because I feel so totally out of my depth.

    I feel worried that a free website that I designed myself would look unprofessional and I would not know how to promote it, therefore people would not visit and enjoy it…


    Wednesday, 29 June 2011 @ 8:14am

  305.  #305Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 8:50 am


    Oops 😳 Hmmm. didn’t meant to click submit, still typing…

    “…I feel worried that a free website that I designed myself would look unprofessional and I would not know how to promote it, therefore people would not visit and enjoy it…”

    While you are getting the money together for your “real design” how about you go over to Blogger and experiment? It’s free. All you need is a free google account. Gmail will do. Just blog about yourself like… you know like you do here!!!! You can do that for sure.

    You don’t have to “design” much. There are templates, just pick one. I strongly urge you to do this just for practice. You will like blogging. It’s just like you do here! It’s free. And if you get your other site up you can put a link to it from the blogger site, you will not have lost anything.

    Plus it’s owned by Google, you can put Google Adsense ads on it. Other ads too…
    Note… I do not work for Google… LOL 😆

    I believe Weebly is even more versatile. I haven’t tried one but I’ve seen some that people have done. You could do both!



    Curious, Ella…
    “…and I would not know how to promote it,…”

    You would be promoting your URL no matter what it is. Same thing. But a site on your own hosting is superior, you could for instance also use it to create a Facebook fan page.

    Go try Blogger or Weebly, let us know. I’m excited for you.


  306.  #306Kyla on June 29, 2011 at 8:56 am

    I feel super excited!

    Was chatting to a friend on facebook and he asked if we are still going camping as he wants to come too. R had suggested it ages ago as something we could do this summer. So I discussed it with my friend, called R and sent a few texts and now an hour later there are 8 of us confirmed and a date set 🙂 woohoo! I feel thrilled at the thought. I haven’t been camping since I was a child and this will be a fun way to spend time with good friends before I move.

    Haven’t done well with my to do list today but did get the house cleaned up so I’m feeling hopeful (is hopeful a feeling or a thought?) that I can get more done tomorrow as there will be less clutter distracting me.

  307.  #307Emerson on June 29, 2011 at 9:02 am

    241 Kaitlyn

    You do not suck.

    I can imagine it feels draining and defeating to have an ex dump their emotional garbage on your lap and expect to be consoled about ANOTHER WOMAN.

    IMO, he’s being SO insensitive to you, even though you are being nice and trying to give him support, he should know better.

    I had a guy (MarriedGuy) dump so much of his crap on me, and I realized it caused me to spiral down into depression so fast, and I felt the same way like I SUCK and I HAVE NO VALUE….she was sooo important to him even though he had already left her and was divorcing her, he always talked about her and how he felt bad, etc. etc…..

    I remember getting mad at him and telling him he’s obsessed with his supposedly “crazy” ex wife and I told him I want to meet her…LOL he did not like that.

    But I was so drained from all the drama he was dumping on me, and I was letting him!! It brought me down so much. Now he’s dumping on a new girl, so not my problem.

    242 I know you’ve blamed yourself over and over about the Paris job, but it sounds to me like Adam has some very complex issues despite you taking that trip or not taking that trip.

    Things may well have fallen apart anyway due to his depression, additction and indecisiveness, nothing to do with you.

    I know you care so much about him and it is not my intention to be insensitive toward him, but I hear a lot of Kaitlyn’s feelings and needs getting pushed to the side for Adam’s sake.

    You are such a sassy and vibrant siren, you deserve better and to put your feelings and needs first. Good that you are CDing, I am trying to keep that up as well, even though sometimes I don’t feel like it.

  308.  #308Nikita on June 29, 2011 at 9:14 am


  309.  #309Ella on June 29, 2011 at 9:26 am


    Thank you so much!

    I will check those sites out later.

    Feel like the Universe is really pushing me to set up my own website. Another thing just happened involving google ad words that pushes me towards it.

    I feel excited now.

    Weird how that happens sometimes.


  310.  #310Emerson on June 29, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Excited for you Ella!
    Regarding your earlier posts about running into the pubguy and his g/f at the gas station, I think you handled yourself so well. I would have had a hard time keeping my cool.

    Also, about her contacting you and asking about you and her b/f sleeping together, I would probably opt to ignore the message. It’s none of her business. She has some nerve approaching you. I sympathize with her, but it’s not your responsibility to counsel her and give her info.

    I have a feeling she has the info she needs already, and trying to drag you into it is a little extreme. I think ignoring her is the best move, and block her from fb. There is a way to do that in the privacy settings, where you can block a certain person from seeing anything about you on fb. Just my thoughts.

  311.  #311Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Feeling Hot Hot Hot!



  312.  #312Emerson on June 29, 2011 at 9:59 am

    Cute thanks SLV!

  313.  #313Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 10:08 am

    @309: Ella says:
    “…Another thing just happened involving google ad words…”

    What happened? Did you get some free Google dollars? And it’s cool to open Adwords account to get the extra tools although the free Google webmaster tools are plenty for me.

    Since Adwords is PPC (pay per click) I do not suggest for beginners… but if you are very brave and can spend $20-100 a day… go for it! IMHO, I’d first urge experimentation and use free traffic methods at first instead of ones you pay for. For the braver people, PPC is a fast way to test for market viability. I’m SLOW, so don’t care… hahaha 😆


  314.  #314Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 10:11 am

    @308: Nikita says:

    Hi, Nikita. Tell us more.


  315.  #315Daria on June 29, 2011 at 10:12 am

    Ella – ‘And I feel kinda jealous and then very sad, not of the situation she is in, just because her status and feelings seem to take precedence over mine because she has taken the title ‘girlfriend’ and in my eyes has taken this position by accepting crumbs, which I choose not to accept, and so because she has this status her feelings come first and she gets to be the one who is mad, and wronged, and who must be explained to.’

    Her feelings seem to take precedence not bec of a status (gf is nonsensical to a siren looking to marry)

    But because SHE is putting herself first here!

    You can be the one who feels mad, and who must be explained to… If u choose it.

  316.  #316Daria on June 29, 2011 at 10:16 am

    I had sex w hawkman! Woo hoo!

  317.  #317Rusty on June 29, 2011 at 10:32 am

    178: Mel says:

    Has anyone here done a “trial separation”?


    Wife wants to. I said no. That simply doesn’t work for me. Either stay together and work it out, or go our separate ways.

    I don’t like situations of flux. Too much uncertainty and the truth is, what does it really solve? If things improve, is it because you aren’t living together? Will things deteriorate once you move back in together?

    Will the two people act differently just because of the uncertainty?

    It simply doesn’t work for me.

    In your situation, what it might do as a positive is allow him to have a look at his life without you. He may like it, or he may hate it. Likely this will have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with whether he can find a GF. It’s no secret that having somebody new makes a separation/divorce much easier to deal with…IF you are lonely.

    He may not even want anyone serious right now…in which case he will dive into his work, and over time, emerge ready to look for a new relationship.

    I’m also of the opinion that my professor was right. He made the statements that TJ’s have relationship problems. I believe that. He may be a TJ like me, and just not well suited to a relationship in this new modern era.

  318.  #318Lilybelle on June 29, 2011 at 10:37 am

    We can be whoever we CHOOSE to be. People can and do change…we don’t have to be tied to the way we are now. It doesn’t HAVE to be that way.

    Isn’t that interesting?

  319.  #319tinque on June 29, 2011 at 10:42 am

    kaitlyn – I understand it doesn’t feel like it right now, but I think you are doing brilliantly.

    “I’m not sure if I’ve done the right thing being there for him”

    Yes you’ve done right, and you are continuing to do right. It’s tricky being in your position, not only wanting to lean forward and make it all better for him which you now know you can’t (no one can because he has to do it for himself) and also wanting him back.

    If he’s going to come back (I still think he will, but it may very well be awhile which will feel like an eternity to you), the only way will be for you to keep doing what you have.

    You can come here anytime to vent, release, frustration, express impatience. What better place.

    Otherwise you would likely be dumping this stuff on him which will push him away, sooner more likely than later.


  320.  #320Rusty on June 29, 2011 at 10:46 am

    217: Ella says:

    I feel angry.

    How dare she violate my (and his) privacy!


    Just cus she has the title of g,friend and some kind of imaginary relationship.



    Keep in mind Ella who the true culprit here is. Not so much her, but him. Privacy, within a relationship is not supposed to be a shelter to hide the deceit you are pulling on your mate.

    HE violated his, and thus your privacy first. He should have been honest from the beginning and told you that he was involved with another woman and that he was not interested in having a relationship with you. He put your privacy in jeopardy by not being honest with you, or her.

  321.  #321Lilybelle on June 29, 2011 at 10:49 am


    Hi Tinque~ xoxox

    I feel really happy that you said this to Kaitlyn. I wanted to say these things but coming from you, I believe Kaitlyn will be more open to receiving them.

    I believe she is doing brillantly as well and Kaitlyn, I laughed right out loud when you talked about the cokedude you met last night. Still chuckling at it. More of that which we do not want. 🙂


  322.  #322tinque on June 29, 2011 at 10:54 am

    Ella – I started with blogspot.com, and it’s free, super easy to set and use. I was SO non techie then and not so much better now.

    I switched over to wordpress which is what everyone uses now, and like SLV said, there are hundreds upon hundreds of templates to choose from for free. Just google wordpress themes.

    I found wordpress a bit confusing to set up, so I had a friend help me for free. She was learning the business of webdesign. I is good to learn some of the stuff, so you can go in and change things yourself whenever you want.

    I finally broke down and am having my site completely redesigned and gorgeousafied. I paid though, and it’s not inexpensive, but start with blogspot. Tranferring stuff over is easy enough when you’re ready to upgrade.

    Best wishes for this. You have more questions on my experience with this, let me know.


  323.  #323tinque on June 29, 2011 at 10:57 am

  324.  #324Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 11:08 am

    @322: tinque says:
    “…I finally broke down and am having my site completely redesigned and gorgeousafied. I paid though, and it’s not inexpensive, but start with blogspot…”

    Tinque, I’m excited about your new site design. I’m happy you are encouraging Ella to do the blogspot blog at Blogger. I have blog there from four years ago. I think I’m going to do a few more at Blogger. I so have my own server hosting but Blogger is. I


  325.  #325Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 11:14 am

    My computer has a mind of its own. Here’s the whole post…

    324: Senior Lady Vibe says:

    @322: tinque says:
    “…I finally broke down and am having my site completely redesigned and gorgeousafied. I paid though, and it’s not inexpensive, but start with blogspot…”

    Tinque, I’m excited about your new site design. I’m happy you are encouraging Ella to do the blogspot blog at Blogger. I have blog there from four years ago. I think I’m going to do a few more at Blogger. I so have my own server hosting but Blogger is just. I don’t have to ftp any changes and there are lots of widgets to use.

    I checked and there is now a designer section for customizing templates. Goodie. Something new.

    Here are some examples of Blogger blogs.

    Tinque you inspired me the other day and Ella is inspiring me too. All the sirens are inspiring each other. I love that!


  326.  #326Mel on June 29, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Hi Rusty,

    “In your situation, what it might do as a positive is allow him to have a look at his life without you. He may like it, or he may hate it. Likely this will have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with whether he can find a GF.”

    He says that he’s not interested in any relationship with anybody right now. he says he feels confused and doesn’t know what he wants in life and wants to find out who is really is.

    I wondered if a trial separation might give him a chance to figure some of this stuff out without having to make such a permanent decision as a divorce.

    I do love him and want him to be happy, and I wonder what some time living apart might do.

    If we did this (he’s thinking about it) it would be with the understanding that we stay in communication (like a phone call once a week) that we go on “dates” with each other to try to reestablish the connection, that neither of us is intimate with anyone else, and that we do it with the goal of reuniting at the end of the “fixed” time period.

    I have a feeling that he might find being “single” is not all that he’s built it up to be in his head. Of course, he might find that he likes it, so that is the risk I take. The point of remaining in communication is that if he (or I) come to this conclusion, we can end the trial separation and proceed with a divorce.

    Still mulling this possibility over myself. I don’t think I would want to do it for longer than 6 mo.

    As an aside…

    His Mom and Dad called me yesterday and were quite sad and disappointed and told me that they love me very much and hope he’ll change his mind. That felt nice.

  327.  #327Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 11:37 am

    @323: tinque says:
    “…Google adwords is totally free…”

    The adwords search tool is free. I was referring to Google Adwords account which offers tools for managing ad campaigns. Google “Adwords” are those little text ads you see on the right sidebar and also the featured sites at the very top of the SERPS.

    Adwords is how Google makes its money. I would open an account with my credit account and I would be charged against it every time someone clicks on my adwords ads. There is also a banner ad program for placement of banners on keyword specific sites.

    If you do not monitor what’s going on and set close parameters you could wake up in the morning to find Google has drawn a few hundreds or (gasp) thousand dollars on your credit card.

    The Adsense program is for text ads we allow Google to place on our web sites. Google selects which ads appear based on our web site content. We are paid a sum every time one of our web site visitors clicks on an Adsense ad and is directed to the vendor web site.

    BTW, if Google even suspects manipulation of clicks it will slap a web site owner so fast, his head will spin. Many marketers who made thousands a month on Google have had accounts suspended. But there’s still Bing and lots more… 😀

    There are also other Internet marketing tools available some free and some paid. I have a few, two you are probably familiar with are Market Samurai (paid) and Traffic Travis. (I haven’t used Traffic Travis yet… shame on me… 😳 ) I grabbed the free version. There is a paid version too.

    But you are right, Tinque, the ole Google search tool is very helpful… and my favorite price.. Free!!! 😆


  328.  #328Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 11:41 am

    @326: Mel

    Little hugs coming your way… {{{Mel}}}


  329.  #329gina on June 29, 2011 at 11:58 am

    update, he responded to my text about forgiveness. He said:

    “Hey G. I have thought about you and how you’re doing. I forgive you. I hope you’re doing great.”

    and now I’ve said.

    “Thanks. Feels good to know cause I am very sorry for the ways I helped things get ugly. I’m good except I’ve missed you and i still hope maybe someday we can be good again. I hope you’re doing well.”

  330.  #330gina on June 29, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Kaitlyn,I agree that sharing impatience with him is no bueno.

    Pushed D away that way. I did feel impatient! And angry and resentful.
    Even though leaning forward has left me feeling a little vulnerable, I feel good knowing that I have at least replaced my fed up vibe with a warm inviting one. And yet still unwilling to tolerate the bad behavior he dished out before. And I feel okay that we haven’t been in touch, because I felt like I was being “used” to comfort him. I feel good about all the circular dating I’ve been doing. I let a guy come over the other night and I let him massage me, and when he tried to make out, I told him I wasn’t feeling it. And that I was up for being totally selfish, but nothing more. And so we stayed fully clothed and made out and I came and it felt swell. but then, when he tried to pursue sex, I got up and escorted him to the door and kissed him on the cheek goodbye. It felt GREAT!

  331.  #331Lily T. on June 29, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    #320 Rusty:

    “Privacy, within a relationship is not supposed to be a shelter to hide the deceit you are pulling on your mate.”

    VERY well put.

  332.  #332kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 1:49 pm


    I think I leaned forward too much on our convo yesterday by trying to flirt with him. When I felt the dead silence on his end, I’d do it again. Then say ‘yes, I’m being bratty. I’m a girl.’ I could tell he was getting annoyed. Now I suppose it’s another 4-5 days of being ignored unless he has a problem to cry about.

  333.  #333Island Girl on June 29, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    Tinque @ 319 – I agree completely. 🙂
    It’s amazing how impatience can grab a hold of you. When you really want to hear from someone, a day can feel like an eternity. But when you think about the times you are busy and don’t get back to a friend right away – it’s not that you don’t care, it’s just that you are busy. 🙂 I keep trying to remind myself of that.

    Kyla @ 297 – Thank you for the reminder!
    “the biggest indicator to me that its a nv is if there is urgency for action it’s not a true feeling. nv’s are fear based and unless we are in physical danger the adrenaline and ‘fight or flight’ urgency it creates is not real.”

  334.  #334Island Girl on June 29, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    Rusty @320 – very well said. 🙂

  335.  #335kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    I feel so upset I can’t even work. Funny how in his letter to her he expresses being so upset he couldn’t work, eat, sleep, etc. Yeah Adam, I know the feeling.


    do you think at some point, i shouldve said ‘i’m on your side with this, but i feel hurt hearing about another woman. go ahead and think i’m not strong enough, but thats how i feel.’

  336.  #336kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    And yesterday I told him ‘funny how you think it’s ok to dump your problems on me yet not talk to me for 5 days like that’s all i am is a dumping ground.’ how seemed annoyed. yep, i’m doing great here complaining and turning him off.

  337.  #337tinque on June 29, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    My first question is this kaitlyn. How do you know he was annoyed. I swear there have been times when I felt sure K was annoyed with me about something, and all he was doing was pondering, his head being somewhere else altogether. I projected my anxiety onto him which to me read, “he’s annoyed with me.”

    This is bothering you, this woman, so you can still say at some point if he brings her up again is, “I feel honored (special, pleased, happy, etc.) you trust me with your troubles, really I do, yet I’m finding myself feeling really squirmy hearing about another woman. I don’t want to feel like this with you. What do you think? (or can you help me with this?)

    336 was kind of abrupt, but that’s part of who you are sometimes (aren’t we all), and he knows this about you and loves you nonetheless.


  338.  #338kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 2:49 pm


    Thank you, Tinque. I love your suggestion for what to say next time I feel this way about him bringing her up. You know, it only started bothering me once I felt she had all his attention and I had none. And I admire your positivity, but I don’t think he loves me. What about when Rori says “When a man is sure about you, he shows it.” I’m not trying to challenge you. I love your outlook on things and I’m trying to be more zen like you, but it’s difficult, and all day, my heart has felt like a crumpled up piece of burning paper.

  339.  #339kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    Tinque, how do I know he was annoyed? His breath. The way he abruptly changed the subject the first time then told me to stop the second time.

  340.  #340kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    i’m angry at myself for not saying, as soon as he cut out his trip to la: “wait, you’re too upset to see me yet you want me to be a supportive listener? no way. sorry dude, but i have to protect my heart. i’m on your side with this, but i’m gonna be honest and say i’m not strong enough to hear it.”

  341.  #341tinque on June 29, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    When I say he loves you, it may not be the kind of love you’re looking for from him, but he does love you. Why else would he be reaching out to you and trusting you in this time of deep pain. This says a lot.

    And by the way he’s too enmeshed in his stuff right now to love anyone in the way you are looking for.

    Maybe he was annoyed, and maybe he was feeling impatient, and maybe he was feeling uncomfortable about being made to look at himself when he doesn’t really want to.

    It hurts to look at your own stuff deeply. I think you may be triggering this in him which is a great thing, and he keeps coming back for more. His tolerance level is low which may be why he cuts you off after a short bit.

    And maybe I’m totally wrong. But I don’t think so. I don’t believe him when he says he doesn’t want to be your bf. Maybe right now he doesn’t because he can’t, not for you or anyone, but I don’t think this is for always.


  342.  #342Butterfly wings on June 29, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    Ella – I’m a wordpress coach and have a PDF I can send you if you’re interested? It shows you step by step how to build your own wordpress site on your own hosting account from scratch.

    Email me: mishy0811 (@) hotmail dot com

    I’d be more than happy to answer any questions you have too. 🙂

  343.  #343Ice Princess on June 29, 2011 at 3:28 pm


    I need help. This had by far been the worst week for me. I was with LP for over a year and a half, we lived together, with our combined children (two his, two mine). Things got really bad and I asked him to leave four months ago. I still feel like my heart is shattered into a million pieces. I love that man more than I would like to admit. We have “hung out” since on various occassions and brought the kids together on Saturday. My son fell apart and had a huge uncontrollable fit (which later I found out from his psych that he acted out because he was afraid of losing him again). Haven’t heard from him since and I did a bad bad thing by trying to contact him SEVERAL times yesterday. What do I do now!?! Please help me.

  344.  #344Ella on June 29, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Hey guys,

    Thanks so much for the info on blogging and websites.

    Esp Tinque, SLV & Butterfly Wings.

    I will be in touch as I start this process and more questions come up.

    It feels great to have this support!

  345.  #345Ella on June 29, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    Wha does it mean when guys keep telling me they love me?

    I mean Pubman did it first. After no dates and it clearly wasn’t true, or maybe it was but not the kind of love I would like.

    And tonight I accepted a CD from another guy who has been pursuing me for a good few months. I also met him at the pub, however he is a bit different bc he is from Gambia and keeps himself to himself.

    He’s been telling me how much he likes me and we have seen each other at the pub and hung out lots of times. He’s walked me home a few times. We have kissed once or twice and been on one date.

    So tonight was date 2.

    And I elt suprised by how super step up he was being…

    And he kinda grabbed me and kissed me.

    And then he said he loves me!

    I’m kinda like ‘huh?’ and I am thinin WFT are you talking about, you don’t know me well enough and I am feeling defensive.

    Any ideas? What is this all about Sirens?

    I feel suspicious.

  346.  #346Ella on June 29, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    What… he has just left a message on my phone (CD from tonight) in which he says he can’t sleep and he is thinking about me, and he loves me… he said he loves me 3 times.

    I feel confused and kinda angry.

    Is he trying to booty call me? Or what is this?

    I feel confused and angry. I don’t understand!

  347.  #347Ella on June 29, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    Actually suppose it doesn’t matter! He can love me as much as he wants… but he won’t gedt to booty call me so I guess it is neither here nor there.

    Just not sure how safe I feel going out for drinks with him on Friday if he is trying to sleep with me…

    I will feel I have to keep my guard up.

    I don’t want to feel that.

    Btw – J contacted!!

    Yay! 🙂

  348.  #348Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    @345: Ella says:
    “Wha does it mean when guys keep telling me they love me?…”

    They are attracted to you.


  349.  #349Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    @347: Ella says:
    “…Actually suppose it doesn’t matter! He can love me as much as he wants… but he won’t gedt to booty call me so I guess it is neither here nor there….”

    You got that right because it’s how you feel with him!


  350.  #350Ella on June 29, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    Re 320 and the following comments.

    I feel defensive.

    Yes I get that and I still feel it is a violation of privacy to go through someone’s personal e-mails.

    Either there is trust or there isn’t.

    For me that kind of behaviour feels awful, almost as bad as the decieving.

    I feel violated when someone reads private messages I sent to someone else and then brings them up to me.

  351.  #351Ella on June 29, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    Slv re 348,

    Ok, thanks.

    And for me there is a difference between attraction and love…

    Do guys not see the difference like I do?

  352.  #352Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    @350: Ella says:
    “…I feel violated when someone reads private messages I sent to someone else and then brings them up to me…”

    Yes, Ella that behaviour was too sleazy for words…


  353.  #353Ella on June 29, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    Daria re 316

    Woohoo!! xx

  354.  #354Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    @351: Ella says:
    “…Do guys not see the difference like I do?…”

    Maybe not. But attraction is a good thing. As long as we don’t forget that’s what it is. It would be hard to have a relationship that develops into love if the guy weren’t attracted to us in the first place!


  355.  #355Ella on June 29, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    Daria re 315

    I don’t understand and I feel confused.

    I do want to put myself first, and I think I am… But I am not going to start creating drama and freaking out to get him to explain to me.

    I do feel mad and I am not going to create the drama in order to get to be the one who is mad and explained to…

    So I don’t quite understand.

  356.  #356Ella on June 29, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    Sorry keep forgetting to subscribe…

  357.  #357Ella on June 29, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    Lol, I’m so blond… forgot to tick the box!!

  358.  #358Daria on June 29, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    Ella – what I mean is, I would experiment, maybe reimagine a scenario where I was all about my feelings… Not worried about ‘creating drama’ – so what? Might feel fun…

    Maybe not take her call or hang up when it feels bad like when I hear him

    Maybe call him and say I feel furious and don’t want this and not to contact me

    This is not to say you didn’t handle this well, because I think u did. But as an experiment for the part that feels jealous of her…

    What if I was actually thinking about my feelings foremost the whole time?

    What if I Did get mad ?

    What if right now, I was to notice I’m feeling humiliated and furious, and know that this man must come up with some extreme apology to even get a chance to be noticed by me… Ever…

    What if I was like : shoot, my ‘boyfriend’ was just heard in the background with another woman…

    I feel furious w him

    I feel scared and weird with her

    I feel icky with the situation

    I would just fade out them and imagine me taking precedence

    Would it feel fun to imagine – if there was no such thing as drama – how would my drama queen react? The part of me that IS like her or wants to be? How would that be different?

  359.  #359Daria on June 29, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    Ella – oh no, the blond joke pit down on yourself felt icky to read

  360.  #360Daria on June 29, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    Ella – I’m thinking that as Rori says, it’s something we are to get used to when guys fall in love right away, it’s happening to me more and more. Hawkman loves me 🙂

  361.  #361Ella on June 29, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    Daria yes re 358

    My Inner Drama Queen.

    Well she came out and we locked him off on FB.

    I do feel MAD at him and have alrady been imagining how it will be when I see him.

    Ie: he will either get ignored completely or at most he might get a non comitted ‘uh huh’ if he tries to speak to me.

    He will see how I feel in my face (furious, disgusted, distant, disappointed and totally turned off). He will know what he threw away.

    If he persists he may get to hear from my inner drama queen.

    Sometimes I would love to be able to allow her to ‘spew forth’ more.

    And for me actually it is about letting her come out and have her say wo creating extra drama in my life.

    What do you think?

    I may re-read the post on the inner drama queen.

    But I am no gonna seek him out to show him…


  362.  #362Ella on June 29, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    Daria re 359

    Really? It always feels kinda cute to me.

    But now you come to mention it I have noticed more and more I get triggered when I am around people who I consider to be ‘more intelligent’ than me.. and feel stupid and less than.

    But I don’t want everything to feel serious all the time…

    Sometimes I want to feel light and laugh about things and pass things off as a joke, light heartedly.

    I feel curious to know though… can you say why the joke made you feel icky, or is it just a feeling?

  363.  #363Ella on June 29, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    Daria re 360…

    Ok cool.

    Feels werid though!

    I feel suspicious, I am like ‘huh?’.

    Have a feeling it works differently for guys though from us.

    Good practice for getting used to hearing, and recieving that though.

    Massive hugs Siren Sister. xoxox

  364.  #364Ella on June 29, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    Night Sirens xoxox

  365.  #365Lilybelle on June 29, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    I have been in boy energy for so many days now that tonight, I am going to go to sleep, sleep as long as I want and when I wake up, I am going to be in total girl mode. There is nothing else that needs to be done. Then I am going to spend an extra amount of time getting prettisul (I haven’t worn one stitch of make up since Friday except lip gloss…this moving and setting up house is tough work; glad my boy was in charge!) and am going to have a margarita lunch with an Aunt that I haven’t seen in a long time.

  366.  #366Mel on June 29, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    Yay Lillybelle! I’m glad to see you are getting settled! 🙂

  367.  #367Daria on June 29, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Ella – it reminded me of someone saying ‘oh I’m so stupid’ which feels bad to me … I hear the put down even though it’s disguised w humor… And then it felt even more bad and I felt a lil angry thinking of other blonde people feeling put down too… Like if I were blond I would have felt a lil sinking inside reading that…well I still did actually

    Massive hugs back!

  368.  #368Daria on June 29, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    Ella – I would still keep my heart open when I see him… Tori said Sonething that might feel good to say : ‘I’m still feeling angry and bad when I see you…’

    Something like that maybe

  369.  #369Lilybelle on June 29, 2011 at 6:07 pm


    Awww, thank you, Mel. It feels satisfying and wonderful.

    Still holding you close to my heart, girl. 🙂

  370.  #370Jeannette on June 29, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    Missing my Steve more then ever. This is incredibly hard. Why does death have to come?

  371.  #371Daria on June 29, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    Hawkman and sex w hawkman reminds me of Indiana man from 2 years ago.

    There too I felt like he was really into me, and I was feeling calm…

    Was thinking of having sex w other men

    Sex felt pleasant and comfortable

    I felt close and safe… But didn’t think about marriage… Felt
    Confused about how future would play out

    This is like an improved version of that situation

    I wonder if this is what marriage would look like for me?

    I remember w security man, I also felt paid attention to and special… Dont think I was as much thinking about sex w other men

    I felt relaxed around him in a deep physical way

    I miss that


  372.  #372Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    @365: Lilybelle says:
    “… (I haven’t worn one stitch of make up since Friday except lip gloss……”

    Hah! I haven’t worn makeup since (I’m guessing the date because I’ve not bothered to keep track)… 2002 or maybe since 9-11. Kind of puts things in perspective. Depending upon whether Chapstick counts. I did buy a lipstick in February and I might have backslid a few times for some event but no I’m not wearing makeup.

    But…. I think I’m going backkkkkk….. 😉

  373.  #373Emerson on June 29, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    343 Ice Princess, I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It’s so hard when kids are involved. It just makes it that much more painful!

    Do you mind if I ask you a couple questions? Do you think there is perhaps any way to work things out with him while spending time apart? It may be a good thing to have some space and focus on you and your needs without him there?
    Have you tried counseling? It sounds like you really love him. Maybe this is not the end?
    😉 Hugs to you,

  374.  #374Nikita on June 29, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    Daria! SLV!
    Im thinking of becoming a dominatrix. Any thought?

  375.  #375Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    @374: Nikita says:
    “..Daria! SLV!
    Im thinking of becoming a dominatrix. Any thought?..”

    For fun, profit… or both. Do you want lessons or are you good to go? 😆

    Do you need an accessories list? 😉 How’s your goody bag?

    Let us know. Kiss, kiss.

    And a word… leathuh! but latex might do.


  376.  #376AmazingMe on June 29, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    SO I JUST WANTED TO SHARE…i had a great sireny day!! I decided to dress up in a dress show some cleavage and men were all over it. It felt so good I felt good. I am a beautiful woman and don’t have to take crumbs and wont ever again. I am on my way to a better life!!! I managed to find my own way without asking for help! I love my life!! Now if Mr. Right for me would just stop by..whomever he may be.! I love you all thanks for listening to my positive thoughts.

  377.  #377Emerson on June 29, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    Hey sirens, do you think it’s leaning forward if I texted to a potential cd “I’d feel open to meeting you sometime. What do you think?” We’ve talked on the phone and texted but it seems he is stalling. We tried to make plans once, but couldn’t coordinate a time….and he hasn’t asked since.

  378.  #378Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    @Mistress Nikita

    Mistress Must Haves

    Mistress Lady Vibe

  379.  #379Emerson on June 29, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    376 AmazingMe that is wonderful! Go siren…you inspire me. 🙂

  380.  #380Daria on June 29, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    Emerson – if he did not contact you first, yes it is leaning forward

    anytime you feel the urge to “do something” to get a man to do something… or another way to put it, if what would Really feel good is for HIM to be coming towards you with something…

    and you take an action to entice or elicit a response… that is leaning forward

  381.  #381Nikita on June 29, 2011 at 8:13 pm


    I just saw this


  382.  #382Daria on June 29, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    The lean back thing to do is … When noticing him in thoughts…
    Lean back physically, open hands palms facing front… Release shoulders

    Release pelvis

    Release vagina

    Feel the feelings – sadness, hopelessness, unnamed feelings

    Tell yourself you love yourself and you are in charge and love the nvs but they’re not running you now.., gonna give this feeling good a shot

  383.  #383Daria on June 29, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    Nikita – I say not really, unless you want to and it feels just yummy

    I’d focus on cdating men that are into me and practice opening up to intimacy

  384.  #384Daria on June 29, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    Feeling all tired …. Mmm. … Am invited and getting picked up for a music industry party… Which is just what I want to manifest… And am also feeling tired! Sleepy tired!


  385.  #385Nikita on June 29, 2011 at 8:25 pm


    For profit. I am in NYC, you know.

    I like sex work just not the sex part, I’m at that age where I could use a few subs/slaves to run my errands.

  386.  #386Nikita on June 29, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    I will require a mentor. So any resources are welcome 😉

    I’ve dabbled in bdsm in the past….I love the fashion

  387.  #387Nikita on June 29, 2011 at 8:30 pm


    I say, domme and cd 🙂

    Let my boy out to whip some ass and let my girl out for some fun 🙂

    I have all black stockings….and patent leather shoes…..most of my clothes look like I domme except the casual stuff….
    I have no crop 🙁

    But I’ve owned a few floggers 🙂
    Thinking back I had a thing for tying guys up and making them do my bidding…..and laundry 🙂


    Leather for sure, I’m allergic to latex 🙂

  388.  #388Dorothea on June 29, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    latex is tacky anyway
    no offense to latex lovers:P

    though i guess, technically, dead animal skin is tacky too.

    oh well…i like it here in my land of hypocrisy

  389.  #389Nikita on June 29, 2011 at 9:04 pm


    What if I used recycled refurbished animal skin…
    Would I be a “green” ….domme


  390.  #390kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    Latex is a pain in the a$$ to put on…all the baby powder and such. ugh

  391.  #391Daria on June 29, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    Dressed in all black and silver

    Out to da function

    Woo hops looking so slick

  392.  #392Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    @385: Nikita says:
    For profit. I am in NYC, you know…”

    Me too and I could use a few subs to clean the windows, mop, and some of the techie chores. If they are fashion forward, I’d like some sewing done too.

    @386: Nikita says:
    “…I will require a mentor. So any resources are welcome ..”

    I can’t take you on as mentee as I’m rather vanilla myself but being resourceful I left a video for your perusal. Did you find Lady Genvieve helpful?

    “…I’ve dabbled in bdsm in the past….I love the fashion…”

    Bdsm is not for me as I avoid anything with clamps and boyscout knots (don’t even mention horsetails) although I adore corselets.


  393.  #393Senior Lady Vibe on June 29, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    There will be no sub training tonight! tee hee 😆

  394.  #394gina on June 29, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    wow you ladies are so so brilliant. It feels amazing to witness and learn from you all!

  395.  #395gina on June 29, 2011 at 9:42 pm


    I feel inspired to share this website with you: http://www.vigilantcitizen.com – the parts about pop culture and mind control especially!

  396.  #396Emerson on June 29, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    Ok I replied to you Daria, but I guess I didn’t hit submit because I don’t see my comment here!
    Anyway, thanks for your feedback about leaning back/forward.

    He had actually contacted me first and we were texting back and forth, and I replied “i would feel open to meeitng you. what do you think?” he responded very positively and we are getting together tomorrow. I still felt kinda funny like I was trying to initiate something…but here goes…

    I’m nervous about it though…I have to be so conscious to stay in girl mode and not be a boy …..

  397.  #397gina on June 29, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    Hey, I guess that was very leany forward of me…but I did feel strongly, so by acting on it, I took care of my feelings…no?

    And, with Derek, I felt worried that he may not know how much I effing love him and want him here with me right now forever and ever. So I let him know and now I don’t feel so anxious. And now I don’t believe I need to pay for a trip or go through a hassle. I feel better.

  398.  #398Brenda on June 29, 2011 at 9:45 pm


    RE: #249 – You said, “Hi Brenda, I was one who originally posted about spending less time where you are living. I believe that is a good strategy for extending welcome. My suggestion was for spending more time in parks with the dogs outside, or at friends’s houses.”

    I take my dogs out for a run for 30-60 min every evening after dark, when it’s cooler and when there aren’t people, dogs, and cars for them to bother and get in trouble. Beyond that, I don’t have time for much leisure at friends’ houses or at parks. I am very much still in survival mode.

    I am trying to spend all the time I can on the computer house hunting and job hunting. Also, I agreed to help around their home for 2 hrs a day as part of my keep. I have long days and go to bed tired.

    I appreciate the suggestion, tho. I take them with me when I can, like on Wednesday evenings, when I go to a weekly prayer meeting.

    Love, Brenda

  399.  #399Emerson on June 29, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    I have to remember to say how I feel and then be quiet…..

    I tend to chatter to fill up the spaces. I don’t want to do that anymore. I feel so akward sometimes I want to cry. It’s easier to chatter.

    At work I do a lot of unofficial PR, so I chit chat with people all the time and I have to switch that off!

  400.  #400Emerson on June 29, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    398 Brenda, that sounds nice taking them out for walks in the evenings! You seem to take very good care of your animals.

    I hope you find a place soon, so you can feel settled. I know how unnerving it can be. Any good job leads?
    Hugs and prayers to you,
    Emerson <3

  401.  #401gina on June 29, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    So how’s about this…it feels significant that I just revealed his full name for the first time. I noticed and my heart leapt and I was going to change it, but then I decided that I’d leave and only treat him with respect from now on, even from here. What i’ve learned from being away from him is that I effing love him and I would move to Boston or what ever. I just want to be with him. And it’s all my own fault that I got fat before. He works enough to where I had the time to work out, I just didn’t. AND I ate and drank a ton with him. Now, I feel great about my body. I feel beautiful and sexy and I want to have sex. I feel like a whole lot of sexiness is going to waste. I’m happy to have men come and get it to an extent, but not really cause he’s the one I want to make love to. I love him i love him I do. I want to be with him and I want us to be nothing but happy ever after…

  402.  #402Brenda on June 29, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    SLV and DE,

    BTW, I think I got my welcome renewed today when I FINALLY received an unemployment check, after 3 weeks of none. I paid them for the dog muzzles for which they fronted me the money, in order to protect their 12 lb poodle.

    I still owe them $300 for a month’s rent. I wish they weren’t charging me rent, but it is what it is. It will slow me down in saving money for a security deposit and first month rent.

    I got so backed up with bills and expenses that my account was almost -$800. So most of the check is gone already. I will have to bounce it again to make it to next week, when I am supposed to get another check to make up for the lost week.

    But I think they were more tense about the money than about the dogs. Thankfully, my bark collar, which gives a shock when they bark, has cut into their excessive barking significantly.

    I feel really insecure and unwelcome here overall tho. Ugh. I was house hunting all day, looking at bulletin boards, papers, and signs along the road. I almost rented a room for rent, but it was a very controlling situation and little AC. I just knew it wouldn’t work…and it was expensive for just the use of a room. One step at a time.

  403.  #403Brenda on June 29, 2011 at 9:58 pm


    RE: #400 – Thank you! Yes, I love my animals like children. Ryan commented repeatedly on how well I treat them, too…I think he sees that as a reflection of how I would treat a husband…and he’s right. I have so much love to give! I pour out my maternal love on my animals. My little Keaggy kitty comes up to me every chance she gets and lays upside down on me, while I softly rub her belly and chest. She is so affectionate!

    Yes, I will feel so much more secure when I have my own home again…somewhere that I’m wanted and not on the verge of being kicked out all the time.

    Not any solid job leads. I just keep playing the odds and putting my resume out there.

  404.  #404Emerson on June 29, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    Ugh…Brenda, I feel for you. I personally don’t like sharing a household with another female, unless it’s my mom or daughter(if I had one)!!
    Women are territorial, and we don’t function well together under one roof after about the age of 21 or 22…that is my opinion and my experience.

    I moved in with a female roommate last year after living on my own for a while, and I don’t like it. It was ok at first, but then, poof…all went to hell.

  405.  #405Emerson on June 29, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    Brenda, 403 aww….your kitty sounds so cute! I love animals myself and I know how healing and comforting they are!!! Good for you that you’ve managed to keep them!

  406.  #406Jeannette on June 29, 2011 at 10:14 pm

    I am up and thinking of Steve. I just want to be with him again one day. I can’t believe he was taken. I can only imagine what he is doing. I long to feel his touch and hear his voice. I could never imagine being with anyone other then him.

  407.  #407Emerson on June 29, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    Jeannette, I’m soo sorry for your loss. There are no words I have to make you feel better. 🙁
    Just to let you know you’re in my thoughts and prayers. It is soo hard losing someone you love!!!!! It hurts.
    Hugs to you…

  408.  #408Ngozi on June 29, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    Hello Ladies! I am new to rori’s work and I wrote her a letter tonight, but I was hoping to gain some insight from some of you ladies who may already know some of her practices and can advise me on my situation while I wait for her response. Here it goes:

    Hello Rori!
    I am a recent follower of your blogs and emails. I am in DESPERATE NEED of help. I am starting to feel like my situation is one of a kind as I find many posts from women that you have helped with similar situations but none close enough for me to be at peace with the decisions I make , and I do not know which one of your programs will work best for me. I am 23 years old and I am dealing with what I deem to be a Toxic Man. I am currently in a “grey area” with my ex boyfriend who I love. I met him at a very vulnerable time in my life where my house had just gotten broken into and he was the friend that opened up his home for me to sleep in a separate room until I got my head together. While attempting to get my head “together” I grew close to him which eventually turned romantic and lead to a relationship. At the time I had been celibate and single for 5 years because I had declared to myself that I wouldn’t open myself up physically to anyone who wasn’t going to be emotionally responsible for my heart. My ex who I will refer to as “Ken” (not his real name) for the rest of the conversation had a track record that I heard about through mutual friends. Everyone who knew the both of us deemed him “sexists”, “damaged”, and a downright asshole, but I never got that when around him. He initially claimed to fall for me because he had “never met a woman who valued herself so much and had sooo many people value her” and claimed to look at me as a “queen”. He didn’t only respect my celibacy, but wanted to experience it with me. Although I knew he had been with a lot of women, I looked at what he wanted to start with me as a new leaf.
    The more I got to know him, the more he revealed to me about his past relationships that led me to believe that he had issues, but he kept referring to all his exes as “crazy” and claimed that I was the only sane girl he has been with. I ended up breaking my celibacy with him and for a while afterwards he was very respectful of my emotions and responsible. He kept saying he wanted our relationship to work so he would suggest that we continue to abstain from sex even though we already experienced it with each other. One day he literally pulled a 360 on me and told me that if I couldnt sleep with him as much as he wanted to then he couldn’t be with me. He started to say stuff like “why does this surprise you? You knew the kind of guy I was before you met me?”. I basically went on an emotional roller coaster where he would say hurtful things than make up for them by begging me to stay with him. One day a switch happened.
    Ken decided to be honest with me, and told me that the main reason he got into a relationship with me was because I was “too strong of a woman” and that a woman like me needed to be “humbled and submitted” so he made it his mission to make an example of me. After opening up about his true intentions for me, he became very brash towards me and extremely verbally abusive. He started comparing me to all his crazy exes and eventually the truth came out that he had been physically abusive towards one of them. He also claimed that he “doesn’t have the ability to feel emotion and that he will never know if he’s hurting someone or ever feel empathy for hurting them”. I started to notice that every girl I had seen him with before me walked around with their head held down like someone had stolen their essence. Eventually the verbal assault got to the point where mutual friends of ours stepped in on my behalf and forced us to separate. This hurt me because it wasn’t a decision I came to on my own. During our “break” I was devastated and I didn’t understand why because he was so hurtful to me so it only makes sense to want him out my life right? I literally felt betrayed, like I had been with a wolf in sheep’s clothing through my entire relationship. I moved out of state and after everything died down we got back in touch with each other. I would make trips to go see him (im not his girlfriend at this point of course) and go above and beyond for him. He continued to verbally abuse me and has reduced me to a girl that he’s sleeping with rather than the queen I know I am. EVERYONE I know is disappointed in me for still talking to him, but I love him. I have stopped calling him for the time being out of hope that I can get some guidance from you or one of you followers as to what to do. I am considering the toxic man program, but I am not sure if that is right for me. I know that I love him, but I know I don’t deserve someone who can sleep at night knowing the harsh things he says and does to me. Sadly one of my biggest fears is that I have become another notch on his belt and he will not care if I do not speak to him anymore. Is there any hope for this situation or is your third way not an option based on how toxic this is?

    Thoughts Please! 🙂

  409.  #409Emerson on June 29, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    Kaitlyn, I always picture you as Pat Benatar because she is a sassy badass! 😉
    ….and SLV, I picture you as Florence Henderson becaues she is classic and beautiful! 🙂

    I hope you take these as compliments. 😉

    I know that is very random, just thought I’d share that with you! 🙂

  410.  #410Brenda on June 29, 2011 at 11:09 pm


    “You could have missed the tears, but you would have missed the dance…”

    I am praying for you! The deep pain you feel now is a reflection of the deep love you shared with him. He will always live, because you will keep him alive in your heart. I feel your pain, and I care.

  411.  #411Emerson on June 29, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    Ngozi, thank you for sharing your story and your heart! You know you deserve better!
    Here is one of Rori’s past articles about abuse:


    I also encourage you to explore the option of no contact, to allow time to heal and gain perspective.
    What do you think?

    I know it’s hard because we get soo attached. My ex was abusive, and it hurt me so much to stop contact with him. I literally would be up all night thinking about how much I missed him. But I got through it, and gained perspective and healing. Do not put yourself in danger.

  412.  #412kaitlyn on June 29, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    Emerson, hmmmm not sure about Pat Benetar. Been described as classic and well put together half the time and the other half rock chick.

  413.  #413Emerson on June 29, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    412 🙂 That’s awesome. You are one of a kind!

  414.  #414gina on June 29, 2011 at 11:45 pm

    Just had an interesting triggering interaction with my roommate. I think we both handled ourselves well. I was talking about Derek, and I said that I feel confidence now – I feel ready to have a better relationship and I do hope maybe it can be with him. But I’m fine without too. and now that the edge of “oh my gosh we have gone ANOTHER day of not contacting eachother” it feels less important and urgent. It feels more relaxed and I feel ready for love with any man. Except (or especially?) with this young guy I work with. He’s sooo cute. but soooo young. I love how he speaks spanish so aggressively and will grab me and try to kiss me all the time. I love it. I love his attention and he gives me lots of it. LOVE IT!
    Oh, but anyhoo….processing about the roommate. Wait, no I guess I don’t need to. I felt passive aggressively attacked. I went ZING with an imaginary sword back at her and I held it to her throat and said “What B*tch??” And she was like “Never mind, I don’t want to fight” and she went off to bed. After washing her face, she came back in the living room and said “goodnight”. and I solemnly responded likewise. Yeesh, what a relationship we have. Oooh that reminds me of what someone up there said about how women are territorial. Yes we are, and I OWN this place. No wonder she resents me. I would too!! But I aint backin down!!!
    I feel like saying something cutesy to sound sweeter but, this is the best I could come up with…oh well. Love myself. And I guess I love her too. Blech not really. wow, that feels hilariously childish. why is it so hard for me to love her? I reminded her yet again this evening of my feelings of hatred towards her. I feel them almost every time we interact. Man, that doesn’t feel good to feel! And I resent her even more for being the way that I experience hatred. But I guess the hatred is mine. So maybe I’m very very lucky to have someone around who makes me so freakin nuts. And actually she said something about that tonight – it was the first time we mentioned the night a few months ago when SHE ATTACKED ME! She physically attacked me. And we didn’t speak for a coupla months. And now we do. The other day, in church, I realized I need to forgive her. And I intend to wash away all hate. Ooooh, actually tonight, I did good. I didn’t lash out with hatred at her. Okay, apparently I do need to process:

    We were talking relationships and I was saying that I feel ready for love and open to it being with Derek or anyone. Though I do feel love for him, not anger. Yet, I wouldn’t accept him back into my life without feeling good and trusting, and I’m not sure how to get there, but maybe he could help me with that…

    She said: “sounds like you are in the acceptance stage”

    I felt trigerred

    I said: “I guess…but I also feel open.”

    she started explaining “acceptance” and grief, yada yada yada

    I felt trigerred.

    I said some stuff about how I miss the two of us (me and Derek) being true to ourselves and completely connecting. and that I feel weird about the parts of him that I saw that I don’t like. and I said “I know Derek doesn’t like my temper…”

    She said “none of us do.”

    I said “some people piss me off more than others…”

    she said “I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing that firsthand”

    then she said something about how I have really made her mad and that it’s weird how intensely she has responded to me, and she referred to the day she attacked me, and said she wasn’t sure what I had done to inspire that, and she mused about whether something else trigerred her.

    I asked whether she had been seeing the married guy -which, yes she had

    then she acted like she was proud of herself for doing it and she said she thinks I deserved it over all and she had a big smile on her face.

    And I said, “why? because I said I don’t trust you and don’t care to be close because you did flirt with my boyfriend and I did feel hatred about it?”

    And she said “I wouldn’t say I flirted…”

    I said “you milked his attention and were obviously gratified that he used you to piss me off. because you were mad at how I treated you earlier.”

    And she said “i’m not going to go there, I don’t agree and I don’t want to have a fight” and she went to bed.

    I feel icky exposing this conversation and self conscious. Next time I feel like she attacks me I’ll say “I’m trying hard to forgive you for the ways you suck, and I just ask you to please do the same for me, thanks. And rubbing eachother’s faces in crap doesn’t just makes things more difficult for ourselves in the long run, so let’s keep this simple, kay?
    But I was the one who brought up old drama. But it’s because I believe she’s carrying it around and uses it as an excuse to lash out at me whenever she happens to need to feel powerful, because she’s making choices that feel bad (like seeing that married guy). but then, I have been so mad and mean to her sometimes, that I don’t actually blame her for wanting to kick my a$$.
    We are like oil and vinegar – we don’t mix but we do go together. I been living with this chick for 3 years, and we started an intense relationship from the get go, but it wasn’t until a month in that I felt the hate. We’ve had good times and bad times. But, man, I feel my soul is purified through the process of finding a way to tolerate and accept her. Oh I hope I can feel gratitude for the many ways this relationship challenged me to grow! Good lord, thank you for this person that literally makes me take a good hard look at the beauty inside of me evertime we intereact. Oooh, if I could look inside myself and see beauty and compassion in the face of such aggravation, I bet that’d feel real good. and maybe along the way, she and I can both heal to a point of genuine compassion and appreciation (probably will happen when we no longer live in the same small space)

  415.  #415Nikita on June 29, 2011 at 11:51 pm


    Uh thx?

    I’m not sure if that was bcuz of my Dom comments or bcuz u think I’d be interested? I do like occult stuff to a degree.
    I wonder if that link is just too far down the rabbit hole for me 🙂


    Yes, I loved her pink latex outfit…..very cute.who is she exactly?
    No sub training tonight. Lol
    I like power plays-not nipple clamps….I do enjoy worship.
    I could enjoy boot licking and I’m very curious about rear entry……..hehehe…..and not me! Lol!
    Ok.I’m going to bed…so sleepy

  416.  #416gina on June 30, 2011 at 12:34 am

    umm…yeah, sorry I feel worried that I’m like a well-meaning religious type. But I really did feel inspired to show you. But here’s an article that is more specifically related to why:


    Living in NY, having a passion for fashion and being a woman who embodies societal ideals, I have the idea that you are closer to the source of American society, and the website is talkin about what’s going on at the source. And a lot in pop culture lately is about dominatrix-ness (Rihanna, Adam Lambert, Christina Alguilera) and so I guess I feel like there’s a possible relationship between the media programming and the consideration of becoming a professional dominatrix. Sometimes, when something is popular, and I do it – I benefit from realizing that I’m being swept up in something that’s like a cultural thing….cause then I can take a fresh look at whether it really is serving me and what I really want. And sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. But, anyhoo, I just felt like there might be valuable information in there and I felt compelled to share.
    Sweet dreams 🙂

  417.  #417Rosa on June 30, 2011 at 2:59 am

    Ngozi, thoughts as requested.

    Read baggagereclaim website . There is a great deal there about trying to be the one who “heals ” a toxic unavailable man, who wins him over , who is his “florence nightingale”, the angel who brings light to his darkness.

    Get smart Ngozi.

    Read all you can here, ask yourself just how unavailable you are to real love ? How are you punishing yourself? What are you re-creating from your childhood or trying to heal from the past by doing a re-run of abuse?

    I suggest serious professional counseling. You are 23 and you are malleable and flexible and avidly learning , so feeding in good stuff, good experiences , good people , good aspirations and self love will do the trick . Take it seriously now and you will create a brilliant love filled future.

    Keep on thinking you are the exception, the special one , that will cure him by your selfless enduring hurt-me-and-ill-come-back-for-more kind of love and you will be setting up a dangerous repetetive pattern in your life.

    Believe him when he says he has no empathy and no emotions. He is telling you he is a sociopath. Believe him and RUN!

  418.  #418Rosa on June 30, 2011 at 3:16 am

    I feel puzzled by women who suggest that there is a right or wrong way to be a Sireny woman, pushing a set of RULES , not TOOLS.

    The map is not the territory.

    The map uses feelings as a compass , but the territory involves the whole landscape of thoughts and ideas and opinions.

    I have to say that i actually dont feel “tied in” to the person when I make a logical argument or express my feelings AND my opinions as Rori asks above.

    I feel I am being true to myself when i express both.
    I love my feelings and I love my intellect.
    I love my emotions and I love my opinions.

    I love logic and I am trained in it and I never want to give that up.

    I love being with men who love my feelings AND my intellectual logic.

    The teachers among us feel fulfilled when we post links or make points of explanation, the healers when we give “advice” , the writers here feel good when they express themselves in beautiful ways and others in their own way are using their INTELLECT in balance with feeling statements. The independent thinkers will remain that way and hopefully add a repertoire of communication skills to their toolboxes.

    Feeling messages are wonderful tools and i have learned to use them so much better . Thank you Rori.

    For me the challenge is in balancing the two . I feel good about natural balance.

    Water finds its own level.

  419.  #419Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 3:52 am

    @415: Nikita says:
    “…I wonder if that link is just too far down the rabbit hole for me …”

    Oh, was that the vid? I didn’t check. I’ll look later…. but not into “occult” either.

    Yes, I loved her pink latex outfit…..very cute. who is she exactly?…”

    I don’t know. Ran into her vid last year. I think she’s kind of cute. Here she is again…

    Choosing Your Mistress Name

    “… I could enjoy boot licking and I’m very curious about rear entry……..hehehe…..and not me! Lol!…”

    Well then, we’ll just have to get you a little strap-on…or maybe a big one… ” 😆

    Mistress Lady Vibe
    P.S. Nikita, I hope I am not losing my grandmother geek girl entrepreneur artist writer self development credibility. Life is short; I wear a lot of hats. I’m still vanilla but I have interesting projects…

  420.  #420Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 3:59 am

    @409: Emerson says:
    “…and SLV, I picture you as Florence Henderson becaues she is classic and beautiful! …”

    I’ve never thought of that but I’m not insulted. I always liked her, on screen and off, so I’d say it’s a compliment. I grew up sort of like the Brady Bunch but a smaller family… 😆 Maybe I’m a Black Florence Henderson. 😉


  421.  #421Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 4:19 am

    @402: Brenda says:
    “…I FINALLY received an unemployment check, after 3 weeks of none…”

    Hooray for small miracles. Sometimes small miracles keep us going if we don’t get a big miracle right away.

    Everything I pass along are things I’ve done and usually been advised to do. (But I didn’t have dogs with me so I realize that makes it more difficult.)

    Here’s another: “Dialing for dollars” is what I call it, as part of a job campaign. This is done in chunks, usually a category at a time. Using a list, phone companies cold. If you don’t like cold-calling you might not like this but the secret is if you have a couple of short sentence or two scripts (different ones by target) and a long list there is little personal investment.

    It’s easy to make 25-30 calls a day at least plus follow ups. The goal is to get an interview for an opening before an ad is placed, or even if there is one, or maybe you strike up an interesting conversation… all kinds of things are possible. It’s kind of fun after a while. This is how the agencies get the listings for ads that you see.

    I found that sometimes being somewhere other than at home when I did this kept me on task.


  422.  #422Jeannette on June 30, 2011 at 4:20 am

    Where do I go for peace?

  423.  #423flower on June 30, 2011 at 4:25 am

    ella, so what did u do?

    now ex gf of the young sagitarius boy who anyway ive not heard form him after that weird cinema thing and oh well next one please i guess , she made comment to what i said on his wall to his status ..hah..seems like she wants to fight with me , i dont like it , so yes if shes gonna be like that woman of yr guy ill definitely report her, she started annoying me – great , whats her point in arguing with my comment ‘truth about most men’ saying ‘There is nothing to do with men and women, its about human being, we are all the same we all make mistakes.’

    why she wants to argue with me? u know i could jsut write ‘sigh’ or ‘hahaha’ but i cant be bothered to waste my time or maybe write her ‘speak in 20 yrs if u want’ , ive no time for 20 yr old girls who see me as threat haha

  424.  #424Lily T. on June 30, 2011 at 4:34 am

    @ # 420 SLV

    Or maybe you are Phylicia Rashad? 🙂

  425.  #425Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 4:43 am


    #417: Rosa says:

    “…Read baggagereclaim website …
    …Believe him when he says he has no empathy and no emotions. He is telling you he is a sociopath. Believe him and RUN!…”

    I can only agree with Rosa. I’d start a NO CONTACT RULE immediately; you can sign up for that, there’s a free support newsletter, at the BaggageReclaim dot com site.

    At the same time start learning all you can about yourself, what you want, personal boundaries and the contemporary dating scene. Rori’s posts and this blog are a good place to start. Even if you don’t get the ebook right now read the archived posts and sign up for Rori’s free newsletters.

    All the best to you.

  426.  #426Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 4:46 am

    @424: Lily T. says:
    “…Or maybe you are Phylicia Rashad…”

    Could be. I’m pretty sure I’m a “Huxtable.” Maybe I’m a Brady Huxtable. LOL


  427.  #427Rosa on June 30, 2011 at 5:00 am

    I am just digesting a Bradyish Black Huxtable in a strap on 🙂

  428.  #428Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 5:03 am

    @418: Rosa

    Ditto. Without the puzzlement for me; I’ve seen a lot of this my whole life. But I still get a little sharp breath intake sometimes when it presents itself. Vacations help.

    And funny things happen… often. I’m frequently the “only one” doing a thing a “different” way occasionally referred to in negative terms (when I’m not outright chased with fiery torches.) And then… later… sometimes weeks, months, YEARS! Guess what and guess who ends up doing the same things I discussed, oh… way back when… I wish I had a dollar for each time this happens. *sigh*

    I saw this happen yesterday. LOL. Woman changed her business method. But only because in the end my higher ethical (but more difficult and costly) way actually gave better results overall. Well,,, yeah… And even if it didn’t, don’t we have personal standards? Don’t answer that…


  429.  #429Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 5:05 am

    @427: Rosa says:
    “…I am just digesting a Bradyish Black Huxtable in a strap on …”

    Nikita maybe?


  430.  #430Rosa on June 30, 2011 at 5:07 am

    SLV I love that a few grey hairs make us SO smart 🙂
    As well as gorgeous ..

    I love that your opinions have proven themselves worthy of you holding them 🙂

    I love that you make me laugh!

  431.  #431Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 5:14 am

    @430: Rosa says:
    “”…SLV I love that a few grey hairs make us SO smart
    As well as gorgeous ….”

    Why thank you, kind lady. Speaking of grey hairs… I’m doing grandmother duty today. Have you reached grandmother status yet? Kind of fun but sometimes I go into hiding… LOL 😆 however, they are calling this morning at 7:30 a.m. So… I’ll have some kiddie fun today but going out for coffee first.


  432.  #432Daria on June 30, 2011 at 5:26 am

    Omg my patna got pulled over for a DUI on our way back from the club

    I threw up


    Alcohol shots and driving home nono

  433.  #433Lilybelle on June 30, 2011 at 5:27 am



    Amen, Sister, Amen.

    I did a four year stint in a lockdown facility. The Warden was my sister. 😉


  434.  #434Lilybelle on June 30, 2011 at 5:28 am


    Are you okay, Daria?

  435.  #435Daria on June 30, 2011 at 5:35 am

    Emerson – if you guys were going back and forth, it’s not leaning forward

    He still gets to decide to or not, and set it up


  436.  #436Lilybelle on June 30, 2011 at 5:38 am

    408: Ngozi~

    Oh, Sweet Girl~

    Emerson is right…NO Contact. At ALL! Ever. This man IS a toxic man, one of the worst kinds, imo.

    Time to switch it up and get Ngozi back. From this second forward, ALL focus must be on you. Stay close to this blog…there are a ton of articles here to read and you will find yourself nodding your head in agreement when you see yourself in the articles. Treat yourself like the Queen you are and no more driving to see him. No more.

    You have a chance to save yourself; save the light within you and start anew. In the meantime, feel your feelings, every one of them but do not reach out to him under any circumstance. If you need to vent, spew, cry or anything, come here and let it rip.

    I feel thankful that your friends did an intervention. Sounds like they truly have your best interests at heart.

    Stay close.

  437.  #437Daria on June 30, 2011 at 5:39 am

    Lilybelle -yes I’m at home in bed. eating chocolate.

    Feeling the relief of Not going through more drama .

    Omgosh. I was thinking of calling my mom, but then…

    Ufff.., 🙁

    Got a ride home from the other guy and his friends.

    Got hand offs put on to be transported to Denny’s.

    Felt kinda… Sleepy.

    Pooif. From tequila shots.

  438.  #438Rosa on June 30, 2011 at 5:41 am

    No , I am currently mother of two and honorary mother of a few strays 🙂

    My son brings them home from university to be fed .

    Your day sounds fun SLV ! Enjoy the coffee for fortification.

  439.  #439Lilybelle on June 30, 2011 at 6:04 am


    I LOVE all the facets that are you.

  440.  #440Jeannette on June 30, 2011 at 6:19 am

    I was thinking I was acting on faith when Steve asked me to marry him last Dec. and I told him I thought we should wait a bit. I took his ring with much gratitude. But with his expensive medical bills and his social worker telling us he would lose his prescription coverage if he lost his medicaid, I thought we should wait until things settled down. But he wanted marriage and so did I. I think we both understood that we needed to wait but now he isn’t my husband and I just don’t know if he will still be mine in the hereafter. It’s troubling to me. I love him so much.

  441.  #441Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 6:24 am

    Jeannette your story has really touched me. I feel moved every time I read something you write. Please can I encourage you to think also that Steve would want you to be happy and to really live – in the here and now.

  442.  #442cindy on June 30, 2011 at 6:34 am

    hello Rori, i can’t tell you how pleased i am, coming in contact with your page. this is my first time and i feel like pouring out all the bottled stuff in me. I would like to read your book but my country is not listed and worst still we don’t run credit cards in the country. we rather have debit cards. I am from nigeria, married for 11yrs and a mother of 4 but i can tell you that for the 11yrs my husband has never been faithful to me. It is from one girl to another, sometimes more than one at a time, both married and single women. I have strong evidence to proof his infidelity but the amazing thing is that he denies it all. He never shows me affection rather he shows my kids in front of me to get me jealous. I am very emotional and traditional so i am always bothered about his attitude. He hardly calls me in the day while at work, comes home late, sometimes with lipstick or sperm on his undies. If he travels he parks his car at the airport and does not give details of his flight so that i will not know when he arrives. I have tried to talk to him severally about us but he never says anything. he’d push me aside and sleep. we never discuss our love life and that is not my idea of a relationship. i see messages he leaves for other women, he tells them how much he loves them but he hardly says it to me. The last time he said it no, he wrote it was about 3 wks ago when i saw another girls picture on his phone and i raised all hell. Neither my picture nor any of my kids pix is on his phone but his girlfriends own is there. I just couldn’t take it so i made it clear to him that i cant force him to love him but he should just give me the respect for the short period i intend to stay with him just so as my kids will get older. At that point i had made up my mind to leave after a few years. he replied and told me that he truely loves me and that he will try to stop getting me angry. However, he is so attached to his phone that he sleeps with it right inside the pillowcase of his pillow so that i will not stumble on some sms from his harem of girls. Rori, do i still have anything left in this relationship. kindly assist me.

  443.  #443Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 6:40 am

    Ice Princess I am not sure there is anything that you can do aside from lean back and take care of yourself. Your vibe seems to be low and in need of lifting.

  444.  #444Lilybelle on June 30, 2011 at 6:42 am


    I don’t know if this will come out how I feel in in my heart but I will try.

    I believe, wholeheartedly, that our loved ones who have passed, are with us, every single second in the beginning. They are filled with such love for us, a depth of love that we never truly experience here on this plane. They are no longer sad or hurting, or sick or whatever experience they had while here. They are love and always with us. Remember that rainbow? That was a message for YOU. Remember that rainbow and allow it to bring you comfort.

    Steve is with you, in every breath you take. And, I believe he is comforting you, encouraging you to find peace. To not feel guilty. He isn’t. True love never dies and when it is your time, he will be there, waiting for you to show you all of the beautiful things that he has experienced since he went on. He will rejoice and he will hug you and you will both love each other so much.

    He does not want you to punish yourself. He wants you to live out the rest of your days filled with peace and happiness and yes, love. He does not want you to close yourself off. He knows that you love him, he can feel it…he is with you, remember.

    Celebrate his life, celebrate the things that made the two of you, you. Celebrate all the beauty and all the things that brought the two of you back together after so many years apart. And cry, but while crying, remember to shed tears of happiness. You two were given a gift.


  445.  #445Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 6:44 am

    RE 442 cindy I said wow after reading your story. I felt drained. I am wondering how do you feel and what is in this for you? Sharing sexual stuff can be life threatening.

  446.  #446Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 6:51 am

    RE 444 So beautiful and seemingly heartfelt. Well said.

  447.  #447Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 6:54 am

    RE 442/445 Cindy I know you wrote to Rori but I feel your pain and am happy to see you came here looking for help. Ask yourself some hard questions, such as “why am I there (in the relationship)?” It could really help you to come to terms with what you are teaching your kinds and what you really deserve. That man is blessed to have you loving him.

  448.  #448Lilybelle on June 30, 2011 at 6:57 am


    Straight from my heart.

  449.  #449T-Girl on June 30, 2011 at 7:18 am

    Lilybelle I am so in awe about what you wrote to Jeanette.

  450.  #450Kyla on June 30, 2011 at 7:20 am

    there’s a new post up

  451.  #451Lilybelle on June 30, 2011 at 7:54 am


    T-Girl and FW~

    Awwww, thank you so much.

    Now, I feel afraid that she won’t read it because there is a new post and I had hoped she would find some comfort in these words from my heart.

  452.  #452Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 8:03 am

    Lilybelle I noticed she tends to read back on articles that she previously posted and comments. Also you should be able to copy it to the new article comments.

  453.  #453Brenda on June 30, 2011 at 8:44 am


    RE: #421 – Dialing for Dollars is an excellent idea…and gutsy! Thanks! I’ll try it!

  454.  #454Jeannette on June 30, 2011 at 8:45 am

    Lilybelle, Thank you so much. I know it was a gift that we were given, that in being reunited after all these years. You are right, he can’t be suffering…just me who has been left behind. It’s an amazing love that I can hang on to for the rest of my life. I am just extremely lonely for him, it’s like our love was so precious. We were a couple in love. Since his passing, it changes the dynamics. We won’t be going out on dates anymore. We won’t be laying on my sofa whispering to one another late into the night. We won’t be talking for hours on the phone any longer. I won’t feel his touch, his kiss..and never again will we be talking about our wedding day. It is an excruciating hurt. When I see him again it will be after I leave this earth. And we won’t be doing or saying all the above things I mentioned. I miss is so bad. My heart is bleeding unstoppably.

  455.  #455Brenda on June 30, 2011 at 8:49 am


    RE: #422 – I feel your pain, reading your simple question, “Where do I go for peace?”

    I heard of a missionary who was in Russia when he got the call that his wife and two kids had all been killed in a car accident. Of course, he rushed home to the US, and, in his grief, he visited Oral Roberts, who was a friend of his.

    Oral got up from his desk and pointed his finger in the face of the missionary, saying, “Praise God! Whatever you do, praise God, or you will not survive this.”

    Praising God was the last thing he felt like doing. But he went home and told God he didn’t feel like praising Him, and asked Him how. He started just reading psalms of praise out loud, and singing praise and worship songs. Through that, he rediscovered the power of God and gradually was able to refocus on God and His greatness, rather than on his deep grief. I hope and pray you find peace there today, too.

  456.  #456Sammie on June 30, 2011 at 8:53 am

    Wow well this works in all kinds of relationships. Used it today on my sister she gets really aggressive in the say she reacts when you are having a discussion, I just said hey babe I love you but the way your coming across to me at the moment is feeling aggressive and maybe we can talk when we have both calmed down. She stormed out then came back and said sorry. Wow that’s a first I feel im making progress in all areas of my life thank you Rori!

  457.  #457Jeannette on June 30, 2011 at 9:06 am

    Thank you Brenda for sharing that story.