If You’ve Been Gaslighted, Read This…

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The Question:

Rori, I’ve written to you before. I have your Complete Collection and the ebooks. I used Commitment Blueprint to get my husband to propose to me. To make a very long story short, I was with him for 9 years – married for the last 2.5.

He got very sick with stage 4 cancer and I cut my hours at my job down to 15 hrs/week to help him with a VERY intensive nutritional cancer therapy (Gerson Therapy) for 2 years. That’s 12 hours a day EVERY day for 2 years. We went through SO much together (he had bone and brain metastasis) and had many surgeries.

I was there for him through ALL of it.

I loved him deeply, probably way more than I loved myself. He sent me card after card saying how much he loved me, how he couldn’t wait to spend the next 50 years growing old together (I’m 52, he’s 54 and it was his 3rd marriage, my 2nd), that he couldn’t fight this fight without me, that I meant the world to him, that he loved my heart and how I cared for him and that he adored me forever.

Then, finally, he got the “cancer-free” diagnosis. The before and after scans of his arm and brain tumors were broadcast for all to see and marvel at at our church one Sunday and I was ecstatic. Finally, he was healed!

Finally, we were entering the best part of our lives together…cancer free and happy! But 2 weeks later, out of the blue and a COMPLETE SHOCK to me, he announced one day (it’ll be a year on 5/28/17) that he didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce. The card he gave me ONE MONTH earlier professed his undying love, happiness, joy, and commitment to me and to our marriage.

He didn’t want to talk about it with me at all. He didn’t want to tell anyone else – not our friends, and not our beloved pastor, he did not want to try to save our marriage at all. He was done.

I was SHOCKED and felt like I had been hit with a 2×4. Our lease was up a few months later and he moved out. To Florida, on the other side of the country.

He’d never been there in his life and didn’t know a soul. He just loaded everything up in a truck and moved away forever. I’m still devastated. I feel every emotion it is possible to feel and then it switches back again. From unbearable grief, to rage, to confusion and bewilderment to tears to screaming anger and back again.

And I don’t know WHY he left!!!!!! Our friends and families are SHOCKED too. I’m so broken and depressed I don’t know where to start. I’ve always believed in marriage and it’s what I’ve always wanted – to grow and share life with a man I truly love that loves me in return.

To build the love and commitment that “For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and forsaking all others til death do you part”. I believe in that! I want that! Or at least I did.

Now I don’t know how I will ever trust myself or anyone else again. It’s been a year since he told me he didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce, and 5 months since he moved out. 1000 miles away.

I don’t even know what to do, how to be, how to get over this, and I am so sad and broken and bewildered by this that I don’t know if I should give up on my dream of a happy marriage. I can’t even imagine dating again. At least not yet. Where and how do I even start to get over this?

Will any of your programs help me? I’m so broken now, I feel so unlovable and alone. What’s wrong with me?  “Broken”

My Answer:

“Broken” – I am SO sorry for your pain and frustration and every other emotion imaginable…

This is what happened: He lied to you every moment when he was sick, to keep you there, helping him, and the moment he was well he left.

And, possibly, he didn’t even know he was lying.

He expected to die. He was grateful to have you there as he was dying and fighting.

And then – he won! He beat it! He LIVED!!!

Now – just imagine this as if it were happening to you – he looks at this second chance.

He looks at this life he now has, that he didn’t think he’d have.  All of a sudden, everything’s different.

You are no longer his great love – you’re his nursemaid.  And just looking at you reminds him of when he was dying.

You’re not his future, you’re his past.

And he wants AWAY from his past as quickly as possible.  He doesn’t even care WHERE his future is, he just wants away from his past.

AND that’s you and everything he’s ever known.

He wants to start over.  No looking back, no questions asked, and no caring at all for anyone who loved him or cared for him.

He just wants away.

Now – that’s HIM.

Let’s talk about YOU.

Are you going to be somebody’s past? Or are you going to be your own future?

Are you going to live your own life, and kind of follow his example, and let go of everything, including him, and just go forward into your own life?

Are YOU going to start over?

Now – the “how-to” is what the issue is, and you have LOTS of help.  Right here on this blog there’s a community of women who’ll be with you at all hours of the night.

Pretty soon, on Facebook they’ll be a new public group – Rori Raye Love School, where coaches will drop in to help, you’ll build cyber friendships and help each other.

Right now – money and supporting yourself is number 1 priority.

Let’s look at that:

What you need right now is somebody’s shoulder to cry on and somebody to hold your hand through this recovery period.

You need to go back to having a great job and making a great income for yourself and living as high a life as you can, and yes, you need to begin to Circular Date so please watch Targeting Mr. Right if you have it –  and learn to do it just for therapy. Forget about meeting a man – it’s just for therapy.

And get a coach. I can suggest so many of my wonderful new coaches who are very inexpensive… You can look at a bunch of them on the blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com “ask a coach” menu link…

Download their freebies, look at their websites and see who you like… And I can recommend some total newbies for you also who aren’t on that list… I would be happy to do that for you… Love, Rori

From “Broken”

Thank you so very much, Rori. You have no idea how much it means to hear from you. There is so much I left out of the letter, how much I loved him and how I gave him an out before we got married.

I told him if he didn’t love me enough to marry my and make a commitment to me forever that now was the time to tell me. I wanted to be loved and wanted, not needed, and I could t stay if he didn’t love me in that way. I told him it would be hard, but if he told me he didn’t, I’d leave. Move out.

He came to me 2 days later in tears and professing undying love and how amazing and wonderful a woman I was and how blessed he was to have me and how sorry he was for making me feel unloved.

Of course, I was he happiest woman in the world and 3 months later we got married. It’s hard to believe that he could be someone that could do that, do what you said, and that it’s not uncommon. Wow.

How was I so fooled? How did I not see the real him? I don’t trust myself anymore-let alone anyone else. How will I ever open my heart again and trust a man? Right now it seems impossible.

Thank you so much for answering. I am in a dire financial situation as he has abandoned me and I’m currently in a job paying $14.50/hr.

I took a huge pay cut to get into the university of Virginia Health system, and it was fine when I was married, but now that I’m supporting myself, I’m in very big trouble and unable to support myself (my kids are helping until I get back on my feet – how embarrassing and demeaning is that?!)

(But I’m grateful for their support, love, and help). I haven’t found another job yet (looking fervently), but if there is any way I can swing a coach I will certainly try as I know I would benefit from it greatly.

Great big hugs and thanks to you. I love your work and your honesty.

Please keep doing what you are doing, you are so loved and appreciated!

My Answer:

I know this: I’ve heard stories that are – unbelievably SO much worse even than yours – of being “fooled” for years, or being “gaslighted” – violence, sudden personality changes – everything you see in the movies.

This is not even at all unusual. Most people will do nearly anything to survive and to keep people who are helping them near them… And the moment they don’t need that anymore those people are toast.

At least, as far as I can tell, you were happy and in love, and that’s nothing to sneeze at!

If you can do administrative work, and are good with computers, go sign up at elance.com as a virtual assistant.  You can make way more money.  If you can proofread, edit – you can do that.  You can also tutor kids in your area at wyzeaunt…lots of ways to make better money these days via internet connections!

Love, Rori

 

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31 Comments

  1.  #1squeekyvoicewantstogobig on July 17, 2017 at 9:03 pm

    Broken,
    Hugggggs to you…… i feel for you….. can’t imagine enormity of emotions you are going through…….sending love and strength to you



  2.  #2mary on July 18, 2017 at 6:23 am

    such brilliant advice!

    oh my.

    Rori… please keep posting.

    Broken, I’m sad for you. You lost a lot. And you gave selflessly for such a long time. Which was so beautiful. And worth so much!

    But I’m happy that you found Rori! And I’m happy that she was straightforward enough to tell you what she really thought. When she said, “You are no longer his great love – you’re his nursemaid.” it sounded like Bingo to me. Maybe he did love you. But maybe his brush with death was so difficult that he couldn’t face even the thought of it again. Like Rori said, he wants to forget that episode of his past and act like it never happened. He wants to live for himself. To me it’s a shallow choice because loving you and giving back to you, now that he’s healthy, could bring him so much joy! I don’t think he understands how deeply he could love, how marvelous that would feel, and how much you loved him. But you know that depth because you lived it. So you know more than he does. And you probably gained so much depth of character with your long suffering service.

    I loved Rori’s suggestions to start elevating your lifestyle! Wow. What a wonderful way to get started. (I’m in the process of doing that now.) Once you have enough, then more than enough, you can start making plans and getting excited about them, and you can go out with friends and do fun things, and begin to put in place the things you’ll need to fill your life and create new hopes and dreams.

    I call it borrowing from the future. (And I’m doing that now, too.) I imagine what it will be like when my life is cooking along and things are going well, and I look in the mirror one day and think, “Wow, I love my life!” I pay attention to those feelings and those are the feelings that I borrow.

    Then I look at what needs to happen to actually feel those things. If I just moved, and don’t know anyone, they’d be things like having a dentist, a doctor, a banker, a lawyer, a church, some meet up groups, some parties at my house, some invitations from others… and whatever those things are, according to my situation, I start going to get them as fast as possible.

    So I borrow the feelings from the future, and fake it ’til I make it with feelings, and start the hard work of doing the things that will surround my new life with the security and homey feeling that I need.

    And I know I’m talking to you as though I’m THERE.

    I’m not. Look back at my past posts. Oh my I’m a mess!

    But I do feel happy because I know this condition is temporary and I’m working hard. I’m even borrowing some intimacy from a future relationship, whenever that happens! I’m not kidding myself and imagining arms around my neck. I’m realizing that one day my physical self will feel satisfied, and I’ll have real arms around me, and I know that feeling, and I just put the feeling on, like I would put on a new blouse. Mmmmmm… I feel so satisfied. Mmmmmm… I love this coziness. Mmmmmm… let’s make spaghetti tonight. Because I’m believing in a future where that satisfaction is gonna be there. I’ll have a real man and a real home and some real plans and we will love each other and cook together.

    If you can love a man like you loved your husband, you’ve got it! You’ve discovered the secrets of the ages. You know how to be tirelessly giving, and that kind of sacrificial love is just plain spiritual.

    Sometimes I tell myself, “instead of wanting so-and-so to love me, why don’t I open my mind, and go ‘window shopping,’ and picture myself as single and available, and go out and see which guys I would like to get to know better,” IF I was up for it, IF, the time was now, IF I felt feisty and sexy. I don’t rate them, but I think, “Hmmmm… I like THAT guy. I’d like to ask him some questions and see who he might be.” I might go to a coffee shop and get some orange juice… if there’s no one there, I’ll go to another… and throughout my day, I’ll just be noticing guys. And noticing women too! Who would I like to have coffee with? And I’ll go out with those women and while we’re talking, be scoping out guys. It’s fun! And it’s part of that “borrowing from the future,” because basically I’m picturing myself WITH someone.

    When I’m focusing on my pain, I’m picturing myself without THE ONE, and I’m saying to myself that THAT man is the only man who could ever make me feel happy. I don’t have him, so I can’t feel happy now, and I’ll never have him, so I can’t ever feel happy again.

    But I don’t think that’s true. Do you? I think it’s telling myself the wrong story…

    So I’m talking to myself too, here, Broken.

    Because I am broken, too…

    This morning I was just looking for something (for business) on my external hard drive, and a bunch of files called “Toxic Men” came up. So I hit on one random file, and it was an audio of Rori talking. (And Rori, I hope you don’t mind my sharing this…)

    She said, “I want us to get a new dream! This is a dream of a real, fulfilling, fantastic relationship. You have to have faith! You have to see that it’s possible. This is the relationship that you want, and you don’t have to will it into being. You do not have to make it happen. You do not have to form it out of clay. You don’t have to buy the man. You don’t have to set him in a place. You don’t have to put him on a cake. You don’t have to mold him. You don’t have to change him into the man who fits your dream. And you don’t have to change your dream to fit the man, either, just because he’s in front of you now. You can bring in a man who’s already fully formed; you can. I saw some rather lovely men up here who have just not met the right person, the timing might have been wrong… it doesn’t mean that out of the millions of men that there are on this planet, billions, trillions of men, that there aren’t a TON of them that are totally fulfilled, totally right for you and totally ready for you. There are books about this happening, and so many of my clients have had this happen too. So you don’t have to bring him to life! You don’t have to bring a half-bear man to life. You don’t have to remold him out of magic clay. So if he’s ready to go, he’s ready to fit into your dream, and his dream matches your dream! You want to have children? He wants to have children. You want to travel? He wants to travel. You can make peace like that. He’s going to add power to your dream. And then together, you go off jet-propelled into your happily ever after. So a man has to add to you in order for him to be worthwhile. It’s hard for us to get our mind around! We think that tolerating is good enough; he’s there. You want him to add to you. You are powerful…”

    I like that part about the magic clay. I think I’ve been doing that! Trying to get this one man who was texting me for a while to be MY MAN… the one who is intelligent and caring and gets me, and is sexy and interesting and able to go into any social circle and shine… but this man is not stepping up… he is not doing it… and my magic clay isn’t working…

    I’m with you, Broken.

    Let’s get out there and get our lives working.

    Love,

    Mary



  3.  #3Grace on July 19, 2017 at 4:07 am

    Ohhhh…one of my deep fears…”I don’t love you anymore” all of a sudden out of nowhere.
    I’m feeling more and more deeply in love with LD every day which leaves me feeling more touchy and vulnerable. this post really stirred up pit of my belly crawly feelings and heart-tears spilling down my face.



  4.  #4mary on July 19, 2017 at 8:41 am

    oh.

    I just realized that this is what happened with my second husband. In the space of a week, he dissolved three companies, severed relationships with his four kids, his two sisters and his dad, and his mother died. (That same week.) After the funeral, when we got back to our new home in the foreign country where we had just moved, he told me it was over. He said he was jumping off a cliff and he didn’t know if he would land, but he needed to jump.

    yes.

    He didn’t want any reminders of his old life and the pain of growing up and dealing with everyone, including me…

    he just had a breakdown! and wanted OUT…

    and I really haven’t heard from him, and it’s okay. It’s been almost 12 years.

    I’m glad I read this post. Thank you for sharing, Broken. I’m so sorry for your pain. I understand how painful it can feel.

    hugs for you from me, too.



  5.  #5Rori Raye on July 19, 2017 at 6:54 pm

    I’m just awed by you ladies, and Mary, your writing is so superb and you take so much time with them, just thank you for saying what you say -may I take your two comments here and make them a “post”? I’d like a lot of women to read them, and they’ likely won’t find them here in the comments… Love, Rori



  6.  #6Rori Raye on July 19, 2017 at 6:55 pm

    Grace – the trick is to just stay alert. Not always watching to see if there’s going to be fallout or a shoe dropping, but how you FEEL. Watch for when you feel good, watch for when you don’t. Learn to speak BOTH of them to your man! This will totally make you feel confident. Love, Rori



  7.  #7Rori Raye on July 19, 2017 at 6:55 pm

    Squeekyvoice – thank you! Love, Rori



  8.  #8Indigo on July 20, 2017 at 2:17 am

    mary,

    I cannot even imagine such a thing! To me, it is so inconceivable how person could just, out of the blue, tell someone they are married to that they don’t love them any more and that they want out. I know it happens all the time, and I don’t judge the feelings themselves… just the callousness of such a thing. It is hard for me to wrap my brain around such a lack of sensitivity.

    I have once been broken up by text by a guy that I loved. He broke up with me via text and then point blank refused to see me or take my phone calls. It was so hard to accept. Not that he didn’t want to be with me any more, but the lack of any kind of courtesy or decency to my feelings. There are many things that people do that I find hard to comprehend though. People I thought were good, wonderful people. Things I was raised to see as things you just never *do* to another person.



  9.  #9Indigo on July 20, 2017 at 2:26 am

    Update on my life:

    I have befriended a French man living in Ireland over the internet. I love talking to him. He’s incredibly sweet and lovely and romantic to talk to, he texts me several times every day. His messages make me feel so soft and warm and gooey and womanly inside. We talk about anything and we’ve been able to be very open with each other. He wants me to come over and visit and he wants to pay for half my ticket. I think I will go over, I was planning on having a holiday anyway, but I won’t let him pay for half my ticket. I think I’d like to go over feeling a little more objective about it all. It would be great to meet him, even if it doesn’t turn into anything.

    Meanwhile, my ex, J, is being incredibly persistent and wants me back. He says he will do anything and he is convinced we are meant to be together. He is saying all the right things and I really do believe he is in a lot of pain and very cut up about us and really wants to be with me. It’s confusing for me though. I don’t really know how I feel and the force of his feelings is making it difficult for me to know. It’s confusing because I can’t say definitively “yes” or “no” to him yet.



  10.  #10Feminewoman on July 21, 2017 at 7:47 am

    Hi Indigo is that the person you were with before this last one. The one who seemed to want you over and sleeping in separate beds and wouldn’t change for anything?



  11.  #11mary on July 21, 2017 at 10:16 pm

    Hi…

    I’ve been busy being busy with my new life.

    Rori, thank you so much for the compliments! Yes, of course, use anything I have ever said on this blog if you like! Especially if you think it will help someone else. Oh, this blog has helped ME so much. Thank you SO VERY MUCH, for writing such stellar pieces, that I have read over and over and over (I love the get-on-your-horse-and-RIDE posts!) and for all the friends I have made on the blog, some of whom I’ve met in real life!

    Indigo… no worries about my husband who had the breakdown. I actually didn’t take it personally at the time. I was understanding. When he told me all that, I just felt like I wanted him to be happy; I loved him so much. And if he felt like he could be happy if he started completely over, okay. We talked all night, until the morning… and we laughed and we said things we would never have said under any other circumstance. We gave each other silly advice about future relationships… and THEN… out of the blue, he asked me for the theatre tickets we had the next Wednesday evening.

    I said, “you want those tickets?” He said, “Yes, and you can have the tickets to the other thing…” So it occurred to me that he might want to take someone else to the thing on Wednesday night. I asked, “Do you have someone else to take?” And he said yes. He had met someone. And he hadn’t really gone out with her but he said he would like to.

    So I was stunned and I said yes, take the tickets. And he went over to another place for the rest of the day… and I went over to my computer and signed up for a divorce recovery class.

    haha!

    I arrived in class and the facilitator said, “how long have you been divorced?” and I said, “well, I’m not really divorced yet.” He said, “well how long have you been separated?” and I said, “well, I’m not really separated.” And he said, “but you’re getting a divorce?” and I said yes. I was sure. We we were getting a divorce.

    So I sat in class and then I made up my mind that I would fill my week nights with something every night, and with those new contacts, I would find something to do on the weekends with people. I was new there in the foreign country and I didn’t know ANYone. So I got very brave and I started reading the paper and finding out interesting things to do in town, and I began to ask people to do things with me. I didn’t want to be alone. AND PEOPLE SAID YES. I couldn’t even believe it! Where I was from, most people said no, all the time, and I was used to hearing that. But in this country, people liked to be invited to do things.

    So I made two plans for every Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings, because it got dark so early in the day. It was dark at 4 pm and I’m a bit of a night owl, I like to stay up until 3 am sometimes, so that’s a LONG, LONG night, if I had to tackle it alone.

    So I started making friends because I had to. And six months went by and I was having the time of my life! And at the eighth month, I put myself on a dating site and started dating so many guys that I thought of my poor ex-husband, who only had ONE WOMAN to spend his time with, and I felt sorry for him!

    So Indigo, no worries!

    It was huge, that the other woman was present, and I didn’t really get to talk things out with my husband any more, after that first evening, and there wasn’t any letting the cat die, AND IT WAS VERY PAINFUL, AND MANY TEARS WERE SHED, but now, many years later, I realized how wonderfully social I became, and how many friends I made… it was just awesome.

    I made friends with some people in a band. And it was the most wonderful band ever. And one night I was talking with one of the girls in the band, and I said, “wouldn’t it be so fun if we all went out to the beach, and we made a big beach fire, and you played?” And she said “Let’s do it!” “You bring your people and we’ll bring our people!” So I got a fire pass from the fire station, and I made some little business cards and with the date and the time and a picture of a fire on the beach, and started giving them to all the people I had just met, since my husband left, and 75 people came! And we had a wonderful time!

    And I knew then that I was gonna be okay.

    It was a lot of work, but I did it.

    And right now, this very day, I’m just in that same work stage. So I know there will be a brighter future for me – someday soon – and things will start snowballing and things will start happening, and my life will get going, and I’ll report in!

    You and me, Broken…

    I’d love to hear from you!

    Love,

    Mary



  12.  #12mary on July 21, 2017 at 10:25 pm

    So, Indigo!

    Your ex wants you back!

    AND you want to go to Ireland.

    AND you met someone in Ireland online, and you actually text back and forth.

    That’s how I got into trouble. Texting. Oh my it can get so intimate! And you think you’ve got something. And who even knows what’s going on with the guy! Or who he really is. So I feel suspicious and worried for you about that guy!

    Your ex wanting you back – did you tell him you might be leaving? That seems like a pretty important piece to me… I mean, was it a reaction to the news, or did he not know, and approach you about getting back together?

    I’m sure you’ll work it out! You have so many interesting things to say and you’re so thoughtful!

    Here’s to you and the many roads you’re planning to travel! Even if you stay home!

    And thank you again for responding so many times to my cries for help! Yes, thank you!

    Talk soon…

    Mary



  13.  #13Indigo on July 22, 2017 at 3:47 am

    Hi Feminine Woman,

    No, this is my last boyfriend, J. The person you are thinking of is D. Good memory 🙂



  14.  #14Indigo on July 22, 2017 at 3:53 am

    mary,

    Thanks for sharing about your ex-husband. I understand I think. I was married, and I ended it. It might not make much sense, but I loved him so much that I wanted him to be happy, and I knew I could not make him happy. He is happy now, married with two beautiful small children. And it was absolutely the right decision for me too, though many sad tears were shed over it.



  15.  #15Indigo on July 22, 2017 at 3:58 am

    mary,

    Thanks for your concern over my online guy! It’s all good though, I’m not getting myself emotionally invested. It is really just to make a friend and have someone to talk to. I am comfortable within myself that I am not ready to invest in someone to that extent at this point in time. We Skyped for the first time yesterday though, and it was lovely. I loved his accent and he loved mine!

    No, I don’t think my ex’s decision to want to get back together is to do with me going overseas. I think it’s to do with his being unable to let go, and other things. I told him that it was not going to happen for us though; there is too much distance between us now, too much water under the bridge, and I don’t feel the same. He may want to work things out, but that is his story, not mine. I’ve moved on emotionally, and I had to do the kind thing and cut things off. It is for his own good that he moves on.



  16.  #16mary on July 22, 2017 at 9:54 pm

    Hi Indigo,

    I feel sad that your husband was not happy when you were married to him! And I feel sad for your ex bf that he wants you back and can’t have you. I feel sad when any relationship doesn’t work between people, yet I handle it all the time when it happens in my own life, and sometimes I’m very stoic about it.

    All of your correspondences on this blog have been so well thought out, and so giving, that I know you have a great head on your shoulders! Adventure forth, brave soul! Have fun with your youth. Try things! Get a new world view! Expand your horizons!

    It all sounds very fun to me.

    Me?

    I’m just gonna work. It doesn’t sound fun to others, but it feels good to me, as I know what will happen as a result! And there’s just something very soulful about hard work.

    OK. I’m going back to it! Staying up late. Labors of love for my clients!

    I love to work.

    Stay in touch, Indigo! I’ll be around too…

    Love,

    Mary



  17.  #17mary on July 23, 2017 at 3:48 am

    I wish I could have just the fun of dating without the heartache.
    But my heart gets involved.
    Oh my.

    So I can’t do it just now.
    Just wishing I could!

    I love spending time with a man…
    When he’s focusing his attention on me.
    Oh my goodness!

    Wishing.
    Wanting.
    Desiring.
    Wistfulness.
    Longing.

    I love these feelings…



  18.  #18mary on July 23, 2017 at 3:46 pm

    … but I was thinking today that I might not be ready!

    I am kind of at rock bottom here.

    I know that’s not terribly attractive, and here’s the thing… it prevents me from having what I want to give in a relationship. So when the second or third date comes around, and the guy starts seriously considering me, and vice versa, something weird happens that didn’t ever used to happen (back in my more financially secure days…) It’s probably some kind of reality check by both parties. You know, like coming out of a dream, or something…

    Plus the escalation of feelings and what to do about sex is in the air… and this financial thing gets into the mix and confuses that thing…

    Because – let’s face it – I know there are lots of very wealthy guys out there, but there are also lots of guys who’ve been financially shocked by a divorce. So they have all that much less to give to their kids when they die. They all have that much less to show for themselves. They all have that much less to offer to me. They all have that much less for their own personal entertainment.

    So I’m looking at having a career, like a dowry, to bring to the table. Not because all women need that, but because I’m at an age where my eligible men are usually divorced or hurting financially.

    So this is probably best then… just working hard for now on my career. In a year or two it’ll be sailing along and then I can start dating again. I think it’ll be an easier dynamic then!

    Until then, GIRLFRIENDS, here I come.

    Let’s have lunch!

    mary



  19.  #19mary on July 23, 2017 at 6:48 pm

    Plus…

    There’s just this added bonus that I’m on my own now, while I’m grappling around for career and for where I want to be in life. (Absolutely not where I am! But thankful for this place for now…)

    I do not have to ask ANYone! I can shoot from the hip. I can fly by the seat of my pants. I can whip out my magic carpet and go on a magical mystery tour, anywhere I can take myself… I can get on my horse and RIDE…

    Unobserved.
    Uncritiqued.
    Unfettered.
    Unfurled.

    Free to dream.
    Free to pursue life in my own way and on my own terms.

    I will focus on these good things!
    There is no reason that I can’t be a dynamic success in life.
    I’ll be one of those stories that you see on one of those shows on TV.
    Or I’ll just have my own secret story.

    And I’ll be constantly moving forward.
    Listening for guidance.
    But moving, making mistakes, correcting them as I go…

    And getting somewhere.

    * * *

    I like it.

    They say that the end is not the goal; it’s how you get there.
    And remember that song by Rita Coolidge… “I miss the hungry years…”

    OK! These are my hungry years and one day I’ll miss them!
    So I’ll enjoy the ride as I’m riding…

    Hi ho silver, and away…



  20.  #20Indigo on July 23, 2017 at 11:47 pm

    mary,

    It is no small thing to have your energy free to focus on your career and be your own master… unobserved, uncritiqued, unfettered, unfurled. I would urge you not to think of this as rock bottom, but rather a very beautiful and liberating place. You have great clarity which comes through your posts and that is worth a lot. I firmly believe as long as you can keep doing what’s right for you, you will not have to worry about the right man showing up.. He will simply be drawn to you like a siren in the night.

    That is how it has been for me time and time again. Ever since I had a dream two years ago – I dreamed about the man I was going to marry. He was strong and handsome and he worshipped the ground I walked on. I was in this dream too. It was such a vivid dream, I still see it in my mind. Ever since I had that dream, I have not worried about finding the right man. I know he is out there. And since I had that dream, I cannot believe how many men have wanted to lock me in and settle down with me; non-committed men are a thing of the past.

    Clarity is a very attractive thing. I know myself better now than I ever did, and it’s a wonderful feeling. I can stand up and tell people who I am these days. At the party on Saturday night, it was wonderful to be able to say I like such and such, and I think such and such. I was talking to a guy about music, and I was able to tell him how much I love the musical “Chess” which is an incredible and vastly underrated musical with breathtaking music. In the past I wouldn’t have been able to do that, I would have just tried to fit in with whatever the topic of conversation was. It’s a really nice feeling to respect myself enough to be true to myself.



  21.  #21mary on July 24, 2017 at 5:21 am

    Oh, Indigo, I love your post!

    What an amazing dream!

    Hmmmm… pausing to think about it… I think I might worry about the right man showing up! (I’ve been with some wrong men…) So I will think about that more… why am I worried? Didn’t I get a lot of dates?

    Okay. Maybe I’m not worried. Maybe I just feel it the longing so strongly. Maybe I just want those arms around me! So I have my strategies around those things…

    And the main strategy is to focus on work.

    And preferences! I’m glad you said that! Yes, my last boyfriend was a DJ and he gave me all his music! I’ve been thinking that I want to just listen, and make my own list of what I like, and what I don’t like. GREAT IDEA!

    Oh, Indigo, you had your party! How in the world did it go? Sounds like you had plenty to talk about. Tell me more (party girl here!) Did you have food, candles, flowers… what? And did you feel at home in your hostess role? I’d love to hear…



  22.  #22Indigo on July 24, 2017 at 11:07 am

    mary,

    Thank you, it was so wonderful. It was a small and intimate gathering, only 9 people, but my closest friends were there, people who meant a lot to me, and that’s all I cared about. It was so lovely to be able to have them over. I loved being a hostess and showing off my space. We all sat out on my verandah (I live on a small private game farm) and barbecued, and I made gluwein (which is a hot spicy wine, because it is winter here). We had lovely conversation and lots of laughs. And best of all, I got to play my own music at a party for once!

    Truth be told, it is what I like most about being single. Being able to go to parties and talk to whomever I want without asking permission. 🙂



  23.  #23Indigo on July 24, 2017 at 11:11 am

    At the party on Saturday night, I wouldn’t say I flirted, but I got to talk to a number of different guys, who all had different and interesting things to say. One had the same passion for Celtic culture that I do. Another does medieval sword fighting as a sport, and another was into alternative rock music like me. What fun!



  24.  #24mary on July 24, 2017 at 2:46 pm

    Wow!

    What lovely conversations!

    And you barbecued? I’m impressed. And gluwein! I’ve never heard of it.

    Nine people is perfect, and you know what? People just LOVE to be invited.

    What kind of music do you play? I play piano… and I did so professionally for many many years… hotels, restaurants, weddings, everything… which is kind of why I don’t have a career now. I made a lot of money doing it in my younger years, so I didn’t really have to figure anything else out. So I had a grand piano (until now – oh what a loss! – i just sold it to pay debts) and I always played two songs when people came over…

    What do you play?



  25.  #25mary on July 24, 2017 at 6:14 pm

    hmmmmm… I’m thinking about your gluwein – did you serve it hot? With cinnamon? Yummmm!!!

    i am envious of your winter!

    oh how i love my family but it’s too hot for me here and i must find another place for myself, in the cooler country up north…

    soon!

    i’m working in that direction!

    yay!

    it will happen. and I’ll make gluwein when I get there!



  26.  #26Indigo on July 25, 2017 at 12:03 am

    hi mary,

    Gluwein is a German drink – I discovered it when I was living in Namibia, which has a large German population. It’s made with red wine, orange, cinnamon and cloves. Very delicious! and perfect for socializing outside when it’s cold. Our winters are extremely mild, but we take any opportunity to take advantage of the cooler weather.

    I don’t actually play any music (well, that’s not true, I sing and I learned a little piano) but I was referring more to the fact that when I go to other places and to other people’s parties, I must be subjected to their music, and this time I could select my own. It’s a small luxury maybe, but it was big for me! 🙂

    Meanwhile, I continue to talk to my French guy friend. He sends me voice notes of himself speaking in French and it makes me turn into a puddle. He’s very good looking as well. I think it might really be rather wonderful and fun to have a holiday love affair…



  27.  #27mary on July 25, 2017 at 9:24 pm

    oh, well yes, I know what you mean about the music! the right music really makes the gathering special…

    oh my, the mother in me comes out on this blog sometimes, and right now i feel protective and want to shield you from any possible harm from a holiday love affair!

    I was thinking about you, having your party and doing your cookout and drinking your gluwein! And about your place, where you’re settled, and your job, that you love, and I was thinking, WOW! You have all the things I’m aiming for, and you’re wanting to walk away from them all and go somewhere new!

    And I really saw the humor in that… !! !

    Sweet Indigo!

    Life is just CRAZY sometimes, isn’t it! !! ? !



  28.  #28Indigo on July 26, 2017 at 12:55 am

    mary,

    Having my own mother, who is also very protective and caring, and who feels free to lecture me at any opportunity, I understand. I’m used to it, but there really is no cause for concern. I am used to friends and family expressing oodles of concern for me because I’m very free-spirited and I suppose sometimes it must look as if I’ve given no thought to the decisions I’ve made or their consequences.

    I’ve never come to any harm though, or made any decisions I would call “bad.” Even my protective family would have to acknowledge that they have never had to bail me out and that I’ve never brought dire consequences down on my own head or that of anyone else. As much as I appreciate your concern, I can assure you I am responsible and can look after myself. I do have an extremely free-spirited and adventurous soul though, and the way I see it, I have one life to live. If I don’t give myself the opportunity to try things and explore, when will I do it, when I am dead?

    I know that the time will come when I will want to settle completely. But it’s not yet. Of course I will think things through very carefully before making any decisions. My cottage, much as I love it, is just a rental so it would never be permanent anyway. My job is online, so I can do it from anywhere in the world. My family and friends are just a plane trip away, and I assure you, I will stay in my own hotel and meet this man in public places.

    I hope life is treating you well, and that you feel more released of the last couple of flaky dating experiences 🙂



  29.  #29mary on July 26, 2017 at 5:22 pm

    Hi!

    Hi Indigo, well, I know you have a good head on your shoulders! You always have the most thoughtful comments and you make very astute observations, and your take on my different situations – through the years – has helped me so much. I know you’ll be fine! And I love your free spirit!

    Go with the wind…

    Wow about your job that you can do anywhere! Way to go for landing that!

    Yes, I feel released about you and about my recent dip into the dating pool. Oh my! My heart is still tender and achy breaky when I think of those guys! What did I do? Was it me? Was it them? Did I say something I shouldn’t have said?

    Hard not to revisit.

    But I’m working hard too! Good things happening there… thanks for asking!

    xoM



  30.  #30Candace on July 29, 2017 at 4:12 am

    SO SORRY FOR THIS PERSON. AMAZING STORY.

    But Rori, you haven´t told us what went ´wrong´ here.

    I mean, when a man is ill/sick, we´re ´aloud´ to care.

    What on earth is wrong here, I don´t get it. Why has this happened to this awesome woman.

    Thanks for all your work Rori



  31.  #31Lulu on August 9, 2017 at 9:07 am

    Is it possible that the treatment he received ‘screwed up’ him mentally? I know people who were happy one day and suicidal the next (or shortly after). Are you sure he is not suffering from depression?

    Also, let’ not forget that it was his 3-rd marriage. People rarely change their behaviour which means that perhaps his disappearance was nothing but a learned PATTERN. Take a look into his past and see if this is the way he left his previous relationships (and perhaps jobs too). Do you see similarities?

    People never act ‘out of the blue’. When we think so it just means that we did not know them enough. The best way to learn is to look into their past. What they did in a past will be a predictor of what they would do in the future.

    Please do not take his behavior personally. It is clearly not about you, it is about him. You are his 3-rd wife, and I bet he managed to hurt his previous 2 wives in some way as well.