If You’ve Ever Been A Junkie For Love…

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There were so many brilliant comments on my More Friends With Benefits post, I want to jump off of some of the incredible points you brought up.

I’m going to do this by answering Mark – and I’m so grateful to you for talking about this…

Here’s the post->

There are so many comments to follow, just read down them, you’ll find several by Mark, and I’ll paraphrase his questions.

The conversation is about “cutting and running” from a relationship when it’s not going the way you want – to marriage, and also about using reason as opposed to, or in balance with, emotions when making decisions about what to do in a relationship.

This all got started with Regina, who’s “boyfriend” would like an open-ended friends with benefits relationship – while seeing if it could “turn into anything” down the line.

(Briefly – because Regina’s self esteem is so low, I felt it would take her too long to get moving again into Circular Dating while she felt so utterly attached to this man – what I call being a “junkie.” So I talked about saying NO to a situation you don’t want.)

Mark is a man, and reasonable (and I believe good and kind and responsible, also) – and doesn’t like the whole idea of jumping to quick decisions and “cutting and running” from a relationship.  He’d rather “downshift” into some kind of friendship.

Here’s my answer:

First – let’s talk about the physical issues facing Regina or any woman who feels attached to a man in an obsessive, or close-to obsessive way (thinking about him a lot even though you feel unhappy qualifies).

Women ( I think Mark knows this, too) are bound by oxytocin and estrogen and other female-specific hormones, and men are bound by dopamine and male-specific hormones, and then we each have some of what the other has (we both have testosterone and estrogen, for instance – but they work DIFFERENTLY in our bodies).

These days, we are all – because of the environment and our food sources – OVER-estrogenized. This damages us each in different ways. Men are especially damaged.  This throws our bodies off-balance, and then other of our endocrine systems go off balance.  All this contributes to how “junkie” you can get. (I did an interview this month with Rose Cole – and she lays this out quite brilliantly.)

As Daria explained in her comment – my work is about avoiding “cut and run” as much as possible – in fact avoiding ALL “leaps” and sticking, hard-and-fast, to “baby-steps…and Circular Dating is a baby-step way to both “save yourself” if you’re in a junkie situation, and get into a terrifc mental place to heal yourself on all levels while taking the RIGHT road to Mr. Right.

And the REASON behind the baby-step method is this: What happens when we switch gears suddenly is that we RESIST inside us.

And this resistance is what we’re talking about here.

Resistance is how we don’t feel our genuine emotions – but instead feel the emotion of the RESISTANCE.  (I believe that men are actually much more in touch with their genuine emotions than we women are – and their resistance looks and feels different – I’ll talk about that in a post).

A non-junkie relationship for a woman is either

1. Dating as many men as you want, and feeling free and full of possibilities and powerful (this can include “friendly” sex, taking a “lover,” “casual sex” – I talk about this in Targeting Mr. Right, and it was the part that caused the biggest stir at the seminar), or

2. Happily on track for marriage.

That’s it.  You can be in a different place at different times in your life, in different circumstances – but there is no middle ground.

It is not possible for a woman to sleep with a man she has feelings for, and be exclusive with him and NOT put herself at risk of becoming a junkie.  It would be fighting her natural self.  It would be living in the place of resistance instead of living in real emotion. Circular Dating can combat this if you still feel too attached to a man to say NO to this situation.

Men work differently.  Sex does not trigger your hormones the same way it does us (if you do it right).

Friends with benefits can work for a woman if she is in the “dating” place.

And lastly – the word “breakup.”  To me “breaking up” when you are NOT married (unless you have children and live together or are officially engaged) is just about drama, and is completely unnecessary.

Divorce is dramatic and real because you are going through a stressful legal situation in which you are moving out of homes, family, financial situations…very traumatic. But if you are NOT married (or bound as I say above) – there need only be a simple backing away, continuing to date other men, and saying NO to a situation that SIMULATES marriage (exclusivity) but doesn’t have the same emotional and legal whallop.

Men can be totally happy (Mark, perhaps you can weigh in on this) in a contented relationship that isn’t going anywhere.  Unless you are a spectacularly compassionate man (I’ve met a few of these) – who feels horrible about “stringing out…(I won’t say stringing along here) a relationship that he KNOWS will not end in marriage – Men tend to believe that anything is possible, that marriage “down the line” is possible – and so you will stand on that philosophy that you have to “get to know each other.”

Meanwhile, we’re picking out wedding dresses and imagining honeymoons out of books and movies.

I never met a man who went there.

I’ve only met men who actually thought of that, and then pursued it, without the imagery.

And the only reason they pursued it was because they knew that if they DIDN’T – they’d LOSE the girl.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Daria on May 5, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    Lol – I am imagining a man looking up wedding suits and colors, and making collages of pictures of it, and bouquets, hehehehe

    i think that men fantasize about BEING with the woman of their dreams, but they dont worry about the married or not married part… like Rori says

  2.  #2Daria on May 5, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    I love myself even if i think other people dont like me

    even if my voices say ive peed on a post. i love my pee!!! actually i do!!

    i love you pee!!

  3.  #3Apple Jacks on May 5, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Whoa major trigger. Let me try to work through my feelings here…

    I feel disconnected, dichotomic and I sense myself processing and talking myself into logic rather than feeling. I AM DOING THAT RIGHT NOW AS I READ THIS POST.

    Let me get to the bottom of this…I WANT a friends with benefits situation! THERE I said it! It’s so hard to be that because of my relgious background and training. It’s hard to break out of that and it makes me feel like I have to look over my shoulder for consequences everytime I want to do what I really want and that makes me FURIOUS!!! I feel like there’s a molten volcanic lava in the pit of my stomach waiting to erupt and I feel hot in my tummy.

    I could have had a friends with benefits situation by MY choice and MY liking with the married man BUT he was MARRIED so *GRRRR*. Friends with benefits is alright if both parties want it and there’s no one else involved.

    I would LOVE to have a lover or teacher who could work with me and help me in the journey of opening up this aspect of myself and I would love it if that person is someone I would like a lot, even love and wouldn’t mind a no strings attached situation even with a person I admire and feel in that regard. The idea of dating multiple people for awhile is very appealing to me so if I had a lover with it, AWESOME.

    I do love the idea of being married. But I want that time period where I can just have carefree fun like that. Feels so liberating and exciting, it takes me back to when I was a little girl and I used to pretend that I was a Queen, powdering my face and perfuming my neck with a line of suitors outside of my door. Feeling free to choose whoever I wanted to spend the night with. Then there was this voice telling me, “you know this is forbidden. Sleeping around is not Kosher (or in my religion the word is Halaal. Means the same as Kosher). It makes me sad and elated at the same time, as did this post.

  4.  #4Brenda on May 5, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    Hi Apple Jacks, sounds like you really need that as a rite of passage after all the extreme suppression you went thru. Part of me feels I needed it too.

    So fly, be free, little butterfly! Experience yourself! Let all inhibitions go! Discover yourself!

  5.  #5Apple Jacks on May 5, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Post # 4 – Thank you Brenda. If only it were that easy. I feel happy, though even in anger. I feel like I am discovered my by own self, I know myself and I am slowly becoming aware of my feelings. So regardless of certain things I want that I cannot have yet, I am more self-relaized than a lot of people I know so am very grateful. But when the body craves, it CRAVES.

  6.  #6Brenda on May 5, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    You could have it tonight if you wanted to.

  7.  #7Cinnamon on May 5, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    I feel so triggered by this too Applejacks. I feel a catch in my heart to admit I am in a friends with benefits situation or imaginary relationship. I feel scared to walk away but after trying feeling messages and trying to reconnect I still feel like a friend with benefit. I have been trying to circular date but am finding it so hard when my heart is tied up already.

    I told LS that I felt uncomfortable accepting platonic invites as I didn’t want to be a friend with benefits.(his invite said to me ‘I’m doing x this weekend, you are welcome to join me’ – there had not been any discussion about spending the weekend together before this’)

    His reply was ‘you took a simple invite and made it a huge thing. I can’t open my mouth without scrutiny and I’m always wrong. you should just let the rest happen’ I felt guilty that I had said anything and that I should have just accepted the invite, gone along and had a nice time but reading this post now makes me realise I would be heading down a road of heartache to do so.

    I feel so sad about this. I really thought he was the one – I had so much hope as we had a few months where it was perfect and that is exactly what is tying me to him. Now he is withdrawn and not as affectionate. I don’t want to become Regina – 4 years of hope – ouch!!

    I’m getting back on my bridge and must stop all contact. I feel so sad. Thank you so much for the post Rori.

  8.  #8Hava on May 5, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    I need help or a good advice.
    I’ve been dating this kind, generous, romantic man for 2 months now. I wasn’t that attracted to him (uneducated but has a good job, belly, no muscles, mid-section bold, but grew to like him. He opened his heart to me and shared his deepest kept secrets (and I reciprocated). Presented to me as a widower, he revealed that he had an affair when he was married (2nd marriage) out of which a child was born. His wife divorced him, but later on they moved back together (un-married) and he took care of her until she died. He kept in touch with the child who is now 20 who, he said, the most important person in his life (he has 3 grown kids from a first marriage). I actually appreciated his honesty, but he had more secrets to reveal. His house is not his, but on the name of his step-daughter (dead wife’s) who lives there with her son. That didn’t bother me too much. But then, he revealed that he hadn’t had sex in 10 years, has 0 testosterone, can’t get an erection, but is trying a patch that should take about 3 months to work (if it works). I said to him that I would wait. But yesterday he revealed another secret and this one is tough for me to deal with. He said he wasn’t 59 years old (as he told me when we met), but 70! (born in 1939). He said that nobody on the East -Coast knows that. He said he’s afraid he’ll lose me now, but it had to come out some day. I appreciate his honesty again, but, I am disappointed that he didn’t tell me that in the beginning. I always thought he looked older than 59, but I attributed it to him not exercising, not watching his diet, going all day without drinking water, and no sex. He doesn’t look very alive. And I am 56, trim, athletic, active, exercises etc, and viral. I had some bad relationships in the past with toxic, selfish, cold, drunk, or non-commital men, who put themselves first, so here comes grandpa, calls me “My queen”, spoils me, gives me massages, takes me to shows and eating in nice restaurants, constantly hugs, kisses, touches me, wants us to be exclusive etc. etc. Big dilema here. Does any of you girls out there have some words of wisdom I could use? Rori? What should I do with him?

  9.  #9Aminata on May 5, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Thanks Rori for posting this.

    For the longest time I thought something was wrong with me because I would always be a junkie in relationships. I thought I had an obsessive mind that needed some treatment or something. Not that I am happy this occurs to women, but I am glad I’m not the only one this happens to.

    Thanks for reminding us to circular date. Honestly, talking to guys, flirting with them, and making out with them sometimes! is really helping a lot. It’s all still new to me- I used to be a serial monogomist and it really sucked! I never got what I wanted out of the relationships.

    I still kinda miss my young ex, but it’s fading away slowly but surely. I’m glad. Thinking about him makes me feel pissed, grumpy, heavy, grey and icky. Now that the thoughts are being replaced with thoughts about cute guys, I ‘m starting to feel light again. Especially when I think about this hot guitarist in San Francisco… Yikes. Better go look at those pictures again!

  10.  #10Tirtle Girl on May 5, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Awesome post.

    THis is exactly what I needed to do with my ex toxic man-I was addicted to him. I needed to get away and not be in his presence at all. NO CONTACT. Until I could get perspective and say no. Without the ability to say NO, I had no power. Now I can say no. Now I have a more balanced perspective. But I was literally insane while with this man and could not be honest, was not myself, and was shut down. I always said yes to whatever he wanted. It was a gross mis allocation of power and totally fucked up.

    This post is right on. I am sure mark has his own perspective as a man and it is valid, but as women, we don’t operate that way. It is just as Rori said, either we are rock star daters or we are married. But any kind of “girlfriend exclusive” sucks. Any kind of FWB sucks. Both of those suck BIG TIME for us girls.
    The proof is in the pudding as they say, and the pudding for us women is that this kind of relationship is totally harmful to our self esteem, our emotional life, our whole life in regards to relationships with men. It ruins us. We are very unhappy. And when Momma is unhappy, ain’t nobody happy.

    So, Regina–for her–it’s get away-it’s no, no and more no. PERIOD.

  11.  #11Siena on May 5, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Hi Rori and wise Sirens,

    This post doesn’t trigger me (thank God, I’ve had tons of triggers in the past 2 weeks and need a rest!). But it does bring up some questions regarding friends with benefits and unavailability.

    It seems that the men I’m meeting are not really available for a relationship. That’s okay, because I’m CDing to look for messages, and so I receive their message and move on. I find myself saying No a lot.

    But I do wonder WHY they’re all not available? Is this a vibe that I am sending out? I’m not pursuing at all, so they are coming to me. But if like attracts like, why are they *all* unavailable? And it’s not that I’m attracting men who might be good partners for me if I could create the connection between us. These guys are much older than I, or don’t want kids, or not looking for any type of relationship except FWB… basically men that would never be right for a relationship with me.

    I guess my question is, what can I be doing to start to attract available men? I want this to move as quickly as possible for me, so I’m really open to any and all recommendations.

    Thank you!

  12.  #12Goodheart on May 5, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    I have been away for awhile & haven’t been able to keep up with the posts. I wasn’t really dating, just hanging & doing my thing. Then I met a guy while I was hiking. He was really taken with me. Was sweet. Took me to dinner, a movie. Said he really wanted to see me again & I said that would feel nice. The next day he texted me & asked if we could go out Thursday. I texted back, “Oh darn. I just made plans about an hour ago. How about wed or fri?” He texted back, “I work those night. No worries maybe some other time.” That was 2 days ago & I’ve heard nothing. I feel like he’s pouting. wtf? Why am I attracting pouting baby men? I even texted him today & he totally ignored it. So it was like I was doing a Rori tool by being busy, but I wasn’t trying to I actually did have another guy (a friend) ask me out. I would’ve felt icky cancelling him to go out with the other guy. Then this other guy vaporizes because he can’t handle me not being available to him. I just want a man whose a man, you know? I think all the men in our society are turning into little girly men that want to be pandered to. ICK.

  13.  #13Lucy on May 5, 2010 at 5:08 pm

    Siena — I feel curious if tweaking on the word “available” would bring any new insights. It seems that maybe they ARE available but not what you want? Or maybe I’m just using a rigid definition of available. I don’t know. What do you think?

  14.  #14Jilly on May 5, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Goodheart..I know what you are saying! In the past I have definitely felt like I had to “take care of” their feelings if I said no or something…kind of weird now that I’m aware of it and don’t do it anymore. But I catch myself thinking about their feelings and then I’m like…WTF! What about my feelings??!! I feel good being a goddess and not having to worry about their feelings ;). But it does seem that a lot of the men out there these days are girly men..I agree

  15.  #15Siena on May 5, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    Goodheart! I’ve been thinking about you, wondering where you are! 2 days is NOTHING in man time! I feel confident that he’ll call if you continue to lean back.

    Lucy, maybe they’re available, but not to me. I mean, they automatically are outside of my boundaries. I don’t want to compromise on the FWB, having children, or being with someone whom I can relate to because he’s in my same age range. And heck, even the age thing wouldn’t matter so much if the difference was 10 years or so… but these are close to 20 years older than I. That’s a stretch! (and even THEN I’m still attracted to them!)

    hmmm, maybe you mean something else. Can you give me an example of what you mean by tweaking ‘available’?

  16.  #16Aminata on May 5, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    I feel what you’re saying goodheart. Sometimes I feel like some guys are totally girly. I even had a guy who was flipping over why I wasn’t flipping for him say “Maybe I’m not feminine enough.” That was the problem! He was too much of a freaking girl, gushing his feeling all over me all the time and not listening to mine. Yuck! And then he tried not calling me for a week and got mad when I didn’t call him! Girl Stunts!

    Still there are manly men out there. I’m learning that I have to touch that manliness a lot to bring it out. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it freaks them out cuz they’re so used to women using their man energy and then resenting the women for doing it. What a connundrum.

  17.  #17Simply Shannon on May 5, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    Ha! Message:

    And lastly – the word “breakup.” To me “breaking up” when you are NOT married (unless you have children and live together or are officially engaged) is just about drama, and is completely unnecessary.

    Hehe. Thank you God for the message. Mr. Fab Kisser wants to talk some more. We’ll see how I feel. I’ve got to get back in the circular dating game. That is my MUST-DO for the month of May.

  18.  #18Lucy on May 5, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    Siena — I just meant that maybe if you tried out another word or phrase that is a little more precise, it might bring an aha moment.

    “But I do wonder WHY they’re all not available? Is this a vibe that I am sending out? I’m not pursuing at all, so they are coming to me. But if like attracts like, why are they *all* unavailable?… what can I be doing to start to attract available men?”

    So, substitute a more precise description of what is happening for each instance of the words “available” and “unavailable.”

    “I do wonder WHY they’re all (not right for me/outside my boundaries/not what I need/???) Is this a vibe I’m sending out?….”

  19.  #19mary on May 5, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    Yes! Simply Shannon!

    I’m glad you’re gonna talk some more with fab kisser! Fab kissing is a hard thing to find…

    If I could do it over with R, I wouldn’t have reacted when he told me the things he told me. I just would have noticed them to myself and earmarked them, and started all this circular dating stuff… and let him feel free to go out with other women, too.

    I don’t think he would have tolerated circular dating once I got started. But looking back, I’m sorry I was so reactive, saying this is a deal breaker, that is a deal breaker! I wish I had been more stealth about it, and just let things HAPPEN.

    That would have been WAY better for me.

  20.  #20mary on May 5, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    i think this is my favorite post ever.

    and the links to it.

    it answers all my questions about sustainability!

  21.  #21mary on May 5, 2010 at 7:38 pm


    i wish i had done things differently with R.

    i wonder if there’s anything i can still do? he just emailed me a minute ago. told me i had a “real gift” and i should tap into it.

    i wish we could just be in each other’s dating circles.



  22.  #22mary on May 5, 2010 at 7:44 pm


    every time i’m in his company i feel TERRIBLE about myself.

    so NO.

  23.  #23mary on May 5, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    something very different is happening to me. i’m not sure what it is! i go out in the world and things are so easy. people treat me with respect. i’m becoming a business woman. i’m losing my self-effacing persona. i’m beginning to know what i want, and i’m beginning to register my wishes and actually Be Mary with others!

    being single = good for me

  24.  #24mary on May 5, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    thank you, Rori.

  25.  #25Apple Jacks on May 5, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    You know what I want? I want to create a miniature cult for myself! I don’t know how yet…but I want that! I want to be famous and adored for being me want that to radiate out so that the whole world will be doing the same thing! *hmpf* This is how I feel tonight.

  26.  #26mary on May 5, 2010 at 9:30 pm

    Uh oh!!!!

    I just got a LISTING!

    ooooooooh! all those nights studying!


    yippppeeeeeeeee! hooooooooooooray!

    I haven’t even chosen a firm yet!

    Wow. I better get busy.

    I am a now a BUSINESS WOMAN.

  27.  #27Kim on May 5, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    I was feeling conflicted on my drive home tonight in regards to my current man-drug of choice. I want so badly to get that 1st time “high” feeling one more time. That feeling I never felt with any man b4 him. I am a big time junkie!!!

    I want to quit!

    I noticed when I leaned back, he leaned forward… It works! I’ve noticed myself leaning forward again, I must stop that! He has called and taken me out to lunch. He invited me over and made dinner for me and then we watched a movie together. When he asked about the movie I used the best feeling message I could to describe how I felt about it. I feel the tools working, but…

    I’m only feeling friendship from him. Not what I want!!

    I was all set to lean completely back then he was admitted to the hospital with a life threatening condition. His mother asked me to go to the hospital since she was not able to due to his dad having health problems in another state. I love his mom and agreed to go not to mention I love him too and felt the need to make sure he had someone there with him. After he had his surgery and was released from the hospital I leaned back again. He leaned forward.
    His dad is very ill and he found out yesterday that his dad may die and called very upset and in tears. I told him how bad I felt and asked if he needed anything, ( I know against the 4 rules) I then felt the overwhelming need to hug this man, so I went to his house & hugged him! He thanked me… UUGGHH! I was so disappointed in myself for leaning forward! This is who I am and have been all my life! I am a nice, caring, sweet, doormat! JUNKIE!!!!

    The one tool I am afraid to try is the circular dating. I’m sure this would be the turning point & either he would step up or not. I think that’s my fear that he wouldn’t step up & I really want him to.

    I know this isn’t a game and it’s all about me finding my Goddessness and feeling strong on the inside so I can feel soft on the outside. I’m learning to love myself. How can I mke all these changes and still be the caring, loving, compassionate person I really want to be too?? I do not want to be the doormat, junkie!

  28.  #28mary on May 5, 2010 at 9:58 pm


    You sound like such an amazing, caring person. I don’t know what anyone else would say about your Hug Impromptu, but I loved it!

  29.  #29mary on May 5, 2010 at 10:00 pm


    i just read this amazing discussion about empathy and sympathy that goes right along with Rori’s post, and about what i’ve been thinking about lately, that i’m always getting pulled in by guys when they have needs.


  30.  #30EarthDancer on May 5, 2010 at 10:12 pm

    Yay! Mary … good for you! I feel glad you are becoming an awesome business woman 🙂 Keep up the good work!

    …but me, I feel angry tired tight gray heavy heart anxious fat lethargic unmotivated overwhelmed plain not attractive ugly old STUCK … and I fear I will not find my way out of this black hole today 🙁

    I hate everyone and everything. I feel grouchy and mad at the entire world uuugggghhhh I love my dark feelings, i love my stuckness i love my hate. thank you …. grrr still stuck

  31.  #31mary on May 5, 2010 at 10:19 pm


    earth dancer.


    earth dancer.


    earth dancer.


    earth dancer.


    earth dancer.

    i’m listening to you

    earth dancer.

  32.  #32mary on May 5, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    tell me more

    earth dancer.

    i’m here

    earth dancer.

  33.  #33mary on May 5, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    i’m here.

  34.  #34Daria on May 5, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    Apple Jacks – oh wow i feel so liberated to hear you say that… i was feeling guilty about feeling that way…. ohh i feel soo good that you do too… this is great…


    ditto to you MARY!

  35.  #35Daria on May 5, 2010 at 11:31 pm

    I feel so much better after bellydancing today!

    and after doing lil hand stretching on my neck!

    my uterus feels a lil achy
    i hope its the period!!!

  36.  #36mary on May 5, 2010 at 11:41 pm

    now daria,

    you can’t come skipping over to this side of the island because simply shannon said that to you! you guys need to just work it out, and then you can both have some ice cream…


  37.  #37mary on May 5, 2010 at 11:45 pm

    i’m having little epiphanies all over the place.

    you know that feeling of “home” you get with your man? well, i have that feeling even when the man is not home! i mean, even when he’s not in the relationship with me the way i want him to be.

    so what where is that feeling coming from?

  38.  #38mary on May 5, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    i think it’s coming from familiarity.

    his walk is familiar.

    his talk is familiar.

    his hair is wonderful and straight and long and… (oh, RRRRRRRRRR!)

    the way he says my name is familiar.

    and even though he left me long ago, these familiar things keep me hooked in. they make me want to be with him.

    when i’m with other men, they don’t feel familiar. there’s a foreign environment and i put up a wall. i don’t want any foreigners in my territory. they don’t feel like home to me.

    i long for home when i’m out and about.

    and home is a moving target…

  39.  #39mary on May 5, 2010 at 11:53 pm

    i mean, the content of the relationship should be the part that feels like home.

    and when the content is gone, we cling to all the externals, as if they mean something… because they feel familiar.

    if it weren’t for those familiar things, we’d be able to move on so much more easily, don’t you think?

  40.  #40mary on May 5, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    so maybe when circular dating, it’s important to have a focus, and keep the list handy, and check it frequently to see if we’re still on track… so that we see content when it’s there, and we miss it when it’s not there…

  41.  #41mary on May 5, 2010 at 11:58 pm

    and here’s another thing.

    i’ve noticed that i’ve really settle down since my date with island man was secured.

    i’m not thinking about him every second now.

    it’s a done deal.

    note to self: when i become a done deal, i become less the focus.

  42.  #42mary on May 6, 2010 at 12:02 am

    and just one more…

    i have heard so many dating coaches say to just AGREE with their mate and act happy. and that leads me to one thought after another until i ALWAYS end with this: that kind of activity is not sustainable.

    it’s lying.

    it’s deceptive.

    it’s manipulative.

    i hate it.

    it works!

    Rori doesn’t go along with it. in the link on this post, she says that it only works for a while! and then there is the relationship.

    so we’d better show up and be present with our feelings.

    thank you Rori.

    this is what i’ve been looking for.

  43.  #43mary on May 6, 2010 at 12:05 am

    okay daria!

    all in fun…

    in the spirit of the island…


  44.  #44mary on May 6, 2010 at 12:07 am

    and YES, YES, YES!

    here is a way to not have any more break-ups!

    just don’t do any latch-ons!

    i’m trying to cure myself of latching and clinging and needing and being terrified of foreigners and away from home.

    i will have to be my own home.

  45.  #45mary on May 6, 2010 at 12:09 am

    oh, good night sirens!

    i decided not to buy a newer car today.

    i’ll keep my old one.

    and buy a new one when i’ve earned it.

    that feels good.

  46.  #46heartbeat on May 6, 2010 at 12:17 am

    Mary – I feel amazed and inspired reading your comments! Way to go! Thank you xx

  47.  #47heartbeat on May 6, 2010 at 12:20 am

    The familiarity thing – yeah I get that. I’ve always felt that way – if I get close to someone new I feel scared and want to run back to Mr Familiar. It feels like running back to mummy. I’ve learned to go slow and be my own mummy.

  48.  #48heartbeat on May 6, 2010 at 12:34 am

    I’m feeling enlightened (well, a bit, not totally, but every step feels… enlightening lol!).

    I hate feeling a sudden knot in my stomach, tightened shoulders, racing thoughts, fear – where I know something’s wrong but I can’t pinpoint it, so my thoughts go to self-blame and how I can fix it.

    Mr Big’s been emailing – felt good and fun, then I felt a shift in me, I felt awful.

    And it just hit me – email feels like a barrier, like speaking through a glass wall. Which feels awful to me, which feels unreal and I don’t want to be the fantasy girl any more (I’ve had this a few times). I feel REAL on the phone, and REAL – in REAL life.

    Thank you for this lesson. I am working on my end of things.

  49.  #49heartbeat on May 6, 2010 at 12:37 am

    Thank you email. Thank you for being my glass wall when I felt I needed protection.

    Thank you fantasy girl. Thank you for helping me practice for REAL life.

  50.  #50heartbeat on May 6, 2010 at 12:39 am

    HELLO Mr. REAL. Thank you Universe. xx

  51.  #51mary on May 6, 2010 at 12:40 am


    here’s another thing.

    remember what soignee was talking about the other day?


    being the filled up person who gives from a place of abundance?

    that’s the content of the relationship! when both people are doing that! and not depending on either one for that feeling of home!

    it sort of implies a way to be filled by another source besides a lover…

  52.  #52heartbeat on May 6, 2010 at 12:40 am

    HELLO Miss REAL. Thank you Universe. xx

  53.  #53heartbeat on May 6, 2010 at 12:41 am

    Hello MRS Real. Thank you Universe. xx

  54.  #54heartbeat on May 6, 2010 at 12:44 am

    Mary – I’m feeling at home in myself right now. I’m enjoying discovering this house.

  55.  #55heartbeat on May 6, 2010 at 12:45 am

    Wow I never knew I had this wallpaper, and this little cupboard right here, and look what’s inside! I feel amazed at my house. I feel delighted.

  56.  #56heartbeat on May 6, 2010 at 1:13 am

    LOL! I just read this, on another link from the one Mary posted above@29 –

    If you imagine yourself as an expensive property and you let someone move in that treats the place like a beat up caravan, eventually, no matter how valuable the property is, it starts to lack an appearance that is in line with its value and starts showing significant signs of wear and tear. People who pass by think ‘Man, I thought this place was worth a lot more than that, but I guess I was wrong if they would just let it go to rack and ruin like that’. In the mean time, the property owner started out assuming that surely someone would treat the property with the love and care it needs and has now switched to believing that in time, this person will stop abusing the property and invest themselves in it and treat the property accordingly. Eventually, they have to kick him out, and while a little work is done to clean and fix the mess and damage, pretty much as soon as this person is gone, the value starts to go back up.


  57.  #57heartbeat on May 6, 2010 at 1:20 am

    My house feels real and visible to me, I’m discovering its walls and doors, all the DETAIL that brings it to life.

    It feels like another level, I feel further on than ‘getting to know and love’ myself – this is my Relationship House.

    Come and see my Relationship House, Mr. Man.

    I love my Relationship House.

  58.  #58heartbeat on May 6, 2010 at 1:23 am

    I can TOUCH my relationship house. Wow that feels interesting – not just SEE, but TOUCH…

  59.  #59Goodheart on May 6, 2010 at 8:54 am

    Siena, I missed you guys. So much going on & I haven’t been able to even get to my computer most of the time. And I was just reading what you wrote about unavailable men & I’ve had the same problem – they are either unavailable or run at the slightest hint of something not going exactly the way they want it to. I sat back & thought “this is too damned hard! I’m sick of it! I just want to know what the problem is. It shouldn’t be this freaking hard.” I almost shouted it (inside me) to the universe. THEN a little niggling voice came back at me – YOU make yourself unavailable. YOU run at the slightest anything. It is a defense mechanism. YOU are protecting yourself. And you’re attracting the same damn thing. HELLO!


    I appreciate hiker man for opening my eyes to this.

  60.  #60Melissa on May 6, 2010 at 8:55 am

    Okay, this makes me think about the whole “why buy the cow thing…..” I have always believed that if you have a “friends with benefits” and have experienced this first hand, a man is getting what he wants without having to give anything back. I’m sure I’m missing something here because I don’t know how all of this works but this IS the situation that I am in right now and I am frustrated and scared and uncomfortable in it.

  61.  #61Goodheart on May 6, 2010 at 8:56 am

    Heartbeat, your house sounds delightful. Who wouldn’t want to take up residence? 🙂

  62.  #62Jessie on May 6, 2010 at 9:09 am

    LOL–had a funny experience that I thought you girls would like…my 12 year old son –mack has a best friend named greg–any way greg got a girlfriend and wasnt hanging at the house so much, even took mack to the mall so they could shop for the girls Bday…mack was a little put out…(he is slow to go for girls compared to greg), anyway….weeks went by and all of a sudden greg was back …with a flurry, at our house, like old times…visiting, and bothering mack to come over and skate –i asked greg –where’s your woman….

    YOu know what he said? Oh i dumped her….I said WHY?
    he said that she TOOK OVER HIS LIFE! she followed him around everywhere he went, she tried to tell him what to do and eventually it got ugly where she became angry, and nasty and mean and he got scared of her and how she “TURNED PSYCHO” and dumped her and she cried and said nasty stuff about him and his house and his brothers….WOW EH?

    Out of the mouths of babes…if a 12 year old cant give us the hint to leave the guys some space (and perhaps have some fun on our own and let the guy do the same? ) then who can teach us????

    Find this funny? I think I learned alot about boys right there!

  63.  #63Goodheart on May 6, 2010 at 9:11 am

    I give guys too much space.

  64.  #64heartbeat on May 6, 2010 at 9:19 am

    Hey Goodheart – I’ve missed you! 🙂

    I feel intrigued at your ‘I give guys too much space’

  65.  #65Brenda on May 6, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Simply Shannon, RE: #194 on the string about S-E-X!

    Hi, I responded to your break-up with Mr. Fab, and it was held for review. So it is #194 on the last string if you’d like to read it, in case you missed it.

    I got a kick out of what you said, also, about relating to my past naivete when you asked if they were talking about S-E-X!

  66.  #66Goodheart on May 6, 2010 at 9:33 am

    Heartbeat, after reading a lot of the posts & talking to friends, I’ve gotten a clearer picture of my method of operation with men. I am not clingy. I don’t introduce them to friends & family right away (takes months usually). I hardly ever initiate contact. This is like the other end of the spectrum & I feel I need to find that happy medium (like the baby bear’s porridge). I wasn’t always this distant & protective of myself & I want to be the ME I remember – confident with initiating. It’s truly ok. Smothering, not so much.

    My sister, God luv her, texted the hell out of her fiance when they were dating. I know, I saw it. She told me, “It’s who I am. I like contact. If he doesn’t like it, he’s not for me.” Wow. Talk about knowing yourself & being secure. That’s what it’s all about.

    Knowing yourself.

  67.  #67Goodheart on May 6, 2010 at 9:37 am

    In essence, I’m tired of hiding.

    I wanna come out & play.

  68.  #68mary on May 6, 2010 at 9:50 am

    i’m getting ready to go out there and have a no drama day! it’s all sunshiny here.

    i will view myself as a beautiful flower with many bees and hummingbirds coming to visit.

    all i have to do is sway with the wind… and stay open…

  69.  #69Brenda on May 6, 2010 at 9:59 am

    Apple Jacks, #25 0 Mini Cult for Myself

    Hey, that sounds really creative! I like that vibe! Like celebrating Apple Jacks!

  70.  #70Simply Shannon on May 6, 2010 at 10:09 am

    Daria: Are we fighting?

    Mary: Are Daria and I fighting?

    I feel completely clueless and I mean CLUELESS.

    I don’t feel angry. Should I?

    I feel embarrassed. Did I miss something?

    This is my “I’m the last to know” and “I wasn’t paying attention” trigger.

  71.  #71Siena on May 6, 2010 at 10:13 am

    well, this feels good. I sensed ‘heartbreak’ in one of my new CDs. (Projection? hmmmm). So I asked him straight out and he said no. That feels good, because I would like to meet him and not listen to the dreaded ex story/drama. BORING.

    Goodheart has Spring Fever. So does Siena 😉

  72.  #72Brenda on May 6, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Brenda has Spring Fever, too!

    Siena, did anything happen for a date to go with you to the gala event for your company yet?

    If you don’t mind my asking, what kind of company do you run?

    Heartbeat, I enjoyed your use of the word “mummy”. I love your “accent” that comes thru in your writing!

  73.  #73Daria on May 6, 2010 at 10:25 am

    Shannon – I don’t know that we’re fighting, but I did feel attacked.

    I wrote on what you said on the other thread

    but my comment didn’t go through… I don’t know if they will or what… I didn’t even get the “being moderated” line … and I also didn’t save the comment

  74.  #74Siena on May 6, 2010 at 10:33 am

    Hi Brenda,

    No, nothing yet for Saturday. My gosh, I totally forgot about it until you just reminded me! I am just so certain that things will fall into place (even if it means NOT going) that I put it off my radar.

    I am a online strategist, meaning that I build websites and online marketing initiatives for people. I felt interested in you and Daria sharing that “leveraging” video, because that’s exactly what I do. I create online strategies for people to grow their businesses, and then leverage my network of developers, designers, writers, marketers, etc. to do the work. I guarantee all the work, and only work with the best contractors. We all come from the ‘agency’ world (cut throat, high end stuff) so we have that type of work ethic and finesse, but my rates are about 1/4 of the cost of a marketing or Web agency’s rates.

    There have been times when my ‘boy’ has wanted to jump in and offer help for those Sirens who are thinking about starting their own businesses, but I’ve stopped myself because I need this place as my therapeutic, emotional outlet, and I don’t want to mess that up.

    But the truth is, I would love to help wherever I can. I know Daria is looking for a marketer, and I can help there too if you need it.

    And then we can all dance at eachother’s weddings.


  75.  #75Daria on May 6, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Siena – wow cool! I would love to pick your brain on this… how can i contact you?

    if you don’t want to put your e-mail here you can write me an e-mail at:


  76.  #76Daria on May 6, 2010 at 10:50 am

    I am looking at apartments in Rio de Janeiro!

    I KNOW it would be much easier if i knew someone who lived there…

    my girls from Paris who used to travel around the world would stay with friends, or at hostels, but in Brazil it seemed everyone would just crash with someone they knew!

    i feel happy and also holding back looking at the apartments!


    you know what would be great??

    if suddenly my marketing campaign that is just launchhing brought me a bunch of new clients, i made some super money by the summer,

    moved to brazil and did my tutoring online from there…

    I would also enroll in a portuguese school while im there… i did that in spain and it helped a lot

    i feel like im bursting and i feel goooodd

  77.  #77Daria on May 6, 2010 at 10:55 am

    OMg i found an awesome looking hostel:

    About Mellow Yellow Backpackers

    Welcome to Mellow Yellow, Rio’s biggest and best backpackers.

    Created by backpackers, we provide everything you’d expect from a first class hostel.

    Our facilities include our famous bamboo bar, our 7 seater spa, a swipe card security system, the godsend that is our chillout lounge.

    We also offer every guest a free happy hour caipirinha cocktail for each and every day of their stay. Also every night is ladies night at the mellow yellow bar with an additional free caipirinha for all the girls.

    As well as this, being just one block from the most famous of all beaches, Copacabana, the location is great.

    We’ve also been rated the best hostel in Rio by the telegraph and the best hostel in South America by the guardian, two of the most popular english newspapers

    If you want to party we have the best hostel bar in Brasil, a pool room, weekly bbq parties, music playing throughout the hostel, live music at the bar, and the best trips and parties in Rio at the best prices.

    If you´re looking for culture we have capoeira shows, can organise samba & forro lessons, portuguese classes, and provide more information on whats going on in Rio than any other hostel.

  78.  #78Brenda on May 6, 2010 at 10:58 am

    Whew, you ladies are getting more fascinating by the minute! Ya know what I find interesting? So many of us are either in our own business or are trying to develop it! Shows a lot of initiative and that we truly ARE strong inside! Go Siren Friends!

    Siena, I think that’s wonderful what a leaning back attitude you have over the event this weekend!

    Anyway, Siena, I would also like to contact you, and I have two things to discuss with you, if you don’t mind. I DO understand and respect your desire to keep this as a place to go with your “girl”, to freely release emotions and what. I will respect your boundaries. If and only if you are willing, I would love to discuss this with you a little by email.

    Other sirens are welcome to contact me, too, for any subject. My email is….


    My website is found by clicking my name, also.


  79.  #79Brenda on May 6, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Siena wrote, “And then we can all dance at eachother’s weddings.”

    Love it! 🙂

  80.  #80Siena on May 6, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Daria, I absolutely LOVE your plan! That feels so good and free to me!

    I (kindof) did the same thing when I started my business. I was living in Sacramento (I’m originally a Bay Area girl like you), but NEED the sunshine to keep my spirits up. So I moved to Southern CA to live the sunshine lifestyle. And I love it down here! It’s not quite Rio, but it’s MY Rio! You go girl!! Follow that dream and see where it leads!

  81.  #81Brenda on May 6, 2010 at 11:09 am

    I would love to live in a warm climate! PA gets so dreary with rain and snow!

  82.  #82Daria on May 6, 2010 at 11:10 am

    Siena – yes I love the sunshine too! I feel happy when I see the sun! ohhhhhhhhh……..

    I have a dream that I will live in Brazil for 2 years… or something that feels like 2 years… and have a house there…

    i feel scared

    i feel happy and excited

    and bursting!

    i feel like im there alreadddyyyy!!

    I feel inspired by your move Siena!

    I am going to go wash my hair!! and go to the “beach” in rio right now

  83.  #83Goodheart on May 6, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Brenda, come to Phoenix. You’ll get all the sunshine you can handle 🙂

  84.  #84Siena on May 6, 2010 at 11:19 am

    I hear you Bren! Sunshine is part of my preventative health care plan. That and massages, facials, mani-pedi’s, and healthy food. My mom has a saying, “pay the grocer or pay the doctor.” Sounds so 1945, but it’s true!

    So… I just made plans to have sushi tomorrow night with a new CD. He’s really cute, and has traveled all over Japan, and so has promised to share with me some of his world travel stories. I love that! I love listening to stories about travel, and freedom, and people living big lives. It feels inspiring to me to continue to pursue my dreams!

    sigh, I feel happy!

    …and Daria and Bren, I emailed you.

  85.  #85Goodheart on May 6, 2010 at 11:24 am

    I won a free 50 minute massage at The Red Door Spa from a seminar last week 🙂 I’m really looking forward to being pampered.

    Are sweet potato chips healthy? I’m munching on them right now.

  86.  #86Brenda on May 6, 2010 at 11:25 am

    Goodheart, hello! I lived in Phoenix for 2.5 yrs! Yes, plenty of sunshine there! As long as you don’t mind the insanity of living in an oven 5 months of the year! I lived near Camelback Rd.

  87.  #87Daria on May 6, 2010 at 11:26 am

    I’m searching and adding myspace friends that live in Brazil! Now one was iming me…

    im gonna still take a bath tho

    i have an impromptu CD at 1 30

  88.  #88Goodheart on May 6, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Brenda, wow. How long ago was that? I live in the far west valley. It’s funny because everyone always says that about Phoenix, but some of the most miserable summers I experienced were in Chicago (where I was born). The humidity – yikes – there was no escape. And the mosquitoes. We are blissfully pest free here (well, except scorpions & rattlesnakes, but that’s another story!). And so far this year, it’s been amazing. 80’s or less. Today it will hit 90 something, which is still “cool” for here. And I love the evenings. The entire valley cools off as the sun sets beyond the mountains & paints the sky pink & orange. My favorite time.

    I do miss ligthning bugs though.

  89.  #89Brenda on May 6, 2010 at 11:47 am

    Hi Goodheart! I lived there 11/96-4/99. I moved there for a man who I had “known” for 3.5 yrs! Ten days after I arrived, the relationship went poof! In another case of an imaginary relationship and the dream of love! All I can say is thank God I found out sooner than later! And it was a cool experience being there! My Mom took an extended vacation with me there my last 5 months.

    I camped about 75 miles west of Phoenix in the desert for 2 nights. That was a fun adventure! I blasted my music, cuz there was no one to bother!

    I rode bicycle once from Phoenix to Apache Junction. I really enjoyed that, too! Then I hopped a bus to visit my friend in an Apache Reservation.

    I would live there again. I think if I were choosing tho just for location and climate I would go to the shore, and somewhere warm. I love the beach!

  90.  #90Symantha on May 6, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Hello Sirens,

    could you please tell me where is the New post for questions for Rori?


  91.  #91Goodheart on May 6, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Brenda, I wonder if we ever passed each other on the highway? I feel that’s really brave of you to come to a different state & start a new life.

    Ok, that’s a helluva bike trip! I hope it was in the winter 🙂 Gosh, sounds like you really made the most of your adventure here.

    We should live our lives like we’re always on vacation, huh?

  92.  #92Brenda on May 6, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Goodheart, yeah we might have passed each other! Thank you, it really did take a lot of guts. I drove out with nothing but a car and a 4’x6′ utility trailer. I had a place to stay for three weeks. I had to instantly find a job and rapidly find a home! It was really rocky at first, and I struggled, especially when this so-called man dropped me cold 10 days after my arrival. But I am glad I lived there, and I really did enjoy my adventures. I took lots of hikes on South Mountain with my dogs, and I saw lots of snakes and lizards! I had an orange tree and grapefruit tree right in my yard, and I took full advantage of them!! Lots of fresh juice!

    Yes, I like that, to live like we’re always on vacation!

  93.  #93Siena on May 6, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Hi Symi, you can post anywhere, and Rori will see it. But the ‘official’ place for new questions is https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/your-story-questions-for-rori/new-questions-and-stories-from-you/

  94.  #94Tara on May 6, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    I DID IT!!!!!

    I have not texted S all week. I leaned back and sank into all the rage, anger, hurt, loneliness, frustration, futility, sadness, etc.

    Today, he called me. We had a really good conversation. I can’t quote us, but he said he didn’t want to violate his own values and wanted to not do anything we couldn’t do in public — until he gets things “sorted out” with J, his abusive wife. He’d been afraid that I would be hurt and not want to have anything to do with him.

    THIS WAS GREAT! I got to give him the feeling speech I’d posted last week — the one about how I feel confused and not sure and how I don’t want to be physically involved with a man who’s still living/sleeping with someone else. I talked about how I don’t want to put myself out there for someone who can’t be there for me and how I want to be with someone I can trust, how I don’t want us to violate either of our personal ethics.

    He wants to help me with publicity for the next show I’m doing, and I said that we could talk about it after the meeting Saturday but that we would need to leave the meeting in separate cars and meet somewhere else instead of hanging about in the parking lot together or leaving in my car or his car.

    I also talked about all the great grad schools I’m looking at — in other parts of the country.

    I DID NOT fall apart. There was no drama. I didn’t beg, plead, look for reassurance, or anything else. It felt great. I was authentic, he got to share his thoughts and feelings, and I welcomed them.

    I would never have known how to do this without Rori and the Tools. Ironically, this morning I opened up my e-mail and read her Tool about being a magnet. I’d been visualizing and feeling it for about an hour when S texted me and then called me.


  95.  #95Brenda on May 6, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Daria, did you get my email?

  96.  #96Lucy on May 6, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    “I give guys too much space.” (Goodheart)

    That nearly knocked the breath out of me.

    I think maybe I do too.

    I wonder why.

    Is it because I know I do not want to risk being seen as “clingy”?

    Is it because I am secure enough to actually NOT be clingy?

    Is it because I am afraid of getting too close?

    Is it because I like my freedom and independence and alone time? (That is definitely at least part of the answer!)

    “I want to be the ME I remember – confident with initiating. It’s truly ok. Smothering, not so much.”

    Back in the day, I definitely did more initiating, and it did feel good and natural — as long as it was done without agenda. Just freedom. Mine and theirs.

    “My sister, God luv her, texted the hell out of her fiance when they were dating. I know, I saw it. She told me, “It’s who I am. I like contact. If he doesn’t like it, he’s not for me.” Wow. Talk about knowing yourself & being secure. That’s what it’s all about. ..Knowing yourself.”

    Oh, I love that! When are they getting married? I see something similar with my son and his soon-to-be-fiancee. She’s a darling, not at all clingy or needy, but confident and doing that free-form dance with my son.

  97.  #97Daria on May 6, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    YAY TARA !!! thats amazing!!! wooooo

  98.  #98Lucy on May 6, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    This is today’s “MEDITATIONS ON LOVE,
    Relationships, and Letting Go” —

    “All that we seek in life comes from a longing
    to express our inner being.

    “Whether wisely or foolishly chosen,

    “Each path we walk on reflects our desire

    “to be free.”

  99.  #99Goodheart on May 6, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Lucy, it could be any or all of those things you mentioned. For me, it was mostly the not wanting to be seen as clingy & also it’s just really not part of my personality. When I am with a man I am affectionate & playful, but when we’re apart I don’t feel the need to be in constant contact. Only, I kind of went overboard with that & it’s hard to bond with someone you never talk to. And really, men can feel the same way & not want to appear clingy. Usually, I’ve been met with warmth when I reach out. Usually. So I’m vowing to go with my feelings & if I’m met with anything other than warmth I’ll take a page from my sister’s playbook & say “screw ‘im. He ain’t for me. Next.”

    It’s all about finding what feels good to us. Dammit. We should never ever worry about what he will think or how he will react. All that matters is that we feel good.

    I’m not sure when my sister is getting married. They have been engaged for 2 1/2 years & are content. They just moved into a new home.

    Yes, that free-form dance – affection, companionship, love. You lead. Now I will. You lead for awhile now.

    That’s my style & I like it. I can’t lean back all the time. It feels wimpy & powerless to me.

  100.  #100Goodheart on May 6, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Also, Lucy, there’s a big difference between being clingy & being open & loving.

    We cannot sacrifice the open lovingness for fear of looking clingy. And our feelings will guide us.

    They’ll tell us if we’re in need of a Bounce Dryer Sheet 🙂

    As long as we’re feeling good, we’re doing good.

  101.  #101Brenda on May 6, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Goodheart, I am the clingy, needy type! Rori’s programs are perfect for people like me!

    Just to give you an idea, when I start hanging out with a guy, I’m cool, and I wait till he calls me. But once I get attached, I get all kinds of insecure, and I think about him all the time. I made those mistakes with my last man, calling him, for fear he wouldn’t call me.

    It’s a totally different (i.e., unhealthy, and I know it!) vibe than what you’re describing. If you can be healthy when you ask a man out or whatever, more power to ya!

    Me? I’m a crumb-taker by nature, and it is NOT organic AT ALL for me to lean back and feel worthy of the best. This is all LEARNED skills for people like me.

    You are a role model to me of how to feel secure in a relationship. I have just been too lonely for too long, embarrassing to admit.

  102.  #102mary on May 6, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    my apologies, daria and simply shannon, for slipping into mother mode last nite.

    daria, i felt intensity when you suddenly appeared last night. it felt like wind with thunder in it… so i checked to see what was happening elsewhere.

    sometimes you and i have been talking in the past and you’ve suddenly disappeared to another post, especially if it gets close in either a positive or a negative way. i was seeing that happen last night, and i was sneakily calling your attention to it, but i should have just stated my feelings about it.

    when that happens to me, with you, i feel abandoned in the conversation.


    this is way better than any group therapy i’ve ever had. nothing slips by here…

    thank you, sirens.

  103.  #103Brenda on May 6, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Hi Mary, it really is amazing. I feel like I’m having a rapid growth spurt here! If only we could each meet men as emotionally-attuned here as we are with each other! Or is that “eeeewwww”, Siena?! LOL!

    I feel connected talking with you all back-and-forth in feeling messages!

  104.  #104mary on May 6, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    but now, looking back at the comments, i don’t see any reason for feeling the intensity. your comments, daria, were quite positive.

    i felt it, though.

    maybe i’m psychic!

  105.  #105mary on May 6, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    hi Brenda,

    yes, i feel connected, too. it feels great!

  106.  #106Lucy on May 6, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Goodheart — It feels really good to read what you wrote here! It makes my whole body and mind relax!

    Between semesters a few months ago, my son was home from college and his gf was home (about 20 minutes from us) from the different college she goes to. She is a morning person and lively and active. He is a sleep-til-noon-whenever-i-can musician. So….he was sleeping in, taking the days slowly as they came, being kinda passive, playing his guitar….and calling her whenever he got around to it, knowing that they would be spending time SOMETIME during the day and he would be completely focused on her when they were together.

    Well, one morning he came flying down the stairs, jacket on, car keys in hand, and as he opened the front door to go out, he turned to me, and in a choked-up voice told me he was going to her house because she was upset that he wasn’t contacting her enough, and he just HAD to go make it right because he loves her so much and had no idea his behavior was a problem for her. And they made it right, learned more about each other’s needs and styles, and continued the free-form dance.

  107.  #107Brenda on May 6, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Lucy, that’s the kind of man I want. 🙁 **Sigh!**

  108.  #108mary on May 6, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    wow Lucy!

    imagine having a son to come flying down the stairs, jacket on, car keys in hand…

    i would LOVE that!

    and THEN, icing on the cake, to have a heart like that! and to act in that kind of way towards his girlfriend!

    i want a man like that, too.

  109.  #109Goodheart on May 6, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Not to sound like Charles Barkley, but I’m no role model 🙂 Brenda, my behavior has nearly the same affect on a budding relationship as your clinginess. They are polar opposites with the same outcome. Clingy vs Aloof. Which would you choose lol! Balance sounds good. And as long as we know who we are, really & truly & what makes us feel good, we will always do right by ourselves. How could anyone not love us if we love ourselves?

    Lucy, now it sounds like your son & his girlfriend could be role models 🙂 They sound so sweet & untainted. So what’s the message? Communication? Say how we feel? Be true to ourselves & let our feelings guide us?

    It felt so good to me to hear that my words felt like a massage to you 🙂 (that’s how I interpreted your words). I feel good.

  110.  #110Jennifer on May 6, 2010 at 4:20 pm


  111.  #111EarthDancer on May 6, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Lovely Mary,

    Thank you for your caring listening ear & soft heart. I am hibernating in my cave LOL and I’m coming out now 🙂

  112.  #112Diana on May 6, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    So, it’s like continuing to go to a store that doesn’t have what you want, pretending to be satisfied, meanwhile hoping they will someday decide to stock it because they must be reading your mind knowing you want it….but you never use your consumer power and just go to different stores to see if others have what you want.

    Some stores keep it up high on a shelf you can’t reach, some stores sell it to someone else and not you, some stores will never think of offering such a product.

    But if you don’t shop around, you’re never going to get what you want! And, maybe if you leave one store that you really wish had what you want, they will fear losing your business and start stocking the item in order to make you happy!!!
    Love it.

  113.  #113Lucy on May 6, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    Yes, Goodheart, thanks for the massage! 🙂

    Goodheart, Mary, Brenda, it feels GREAT to read your words about my son. I am very proud of him; he works hard to be “a good man.”

    “So what’s the message? Communication? Say how we feel? Be true to ourselves & let our feelings guide us?”

    All of those, it seems. For him and his gf it seems to be communication, authenticity, loving yourself and the other person, and being open to learning from each other and other people. Both of them actively seek role models and mentors everywhere they go, and they observe and talk with people whose relationships are working. She is majoring in human development and family science, and his major is humanities, so they are both very focused on understanding people and relationships. A lot of her course work focuses specifically on interpersonal communication, and she and he talk a lot about what she is learning. 🙂

    He just told me earlier today that he wants to propose to her on the beach the summer before their senior year. 🙂

  114.  #114Apple Jacks on May 6, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    *Sigh* I feel so behind on all the posts lately. I keep going in and out and missing all the good stuff!

    Daria – *thumbs up* on the miniature cult thing. We sirens shall conquer the world….and a few men while we’re at it *mmmmuuuuuuuuhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa*

    Goodheart it’s so good to see you! I thought about you quite a bit while you were gone.

    Shout out to all you beautifully magestic sirens. I apologize if I didn’t read allt he posts. I have a lot to catch up on, but I am still with ya’ll in spirit till I do get caught up. 😉

  115.  #115Siena on May 6, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    Hi Siren sisters!

    I have a question that feels naive, but here is a good place to ask! Knowing that everyone is unique, how long has it taken to heal from your divorce, and be ready for a real relationship again?

    I’m interested because I’m encountering many men who are somewhat newly divorced, and they each say they’re over it, but I just don’t think it’s true. Especially in the case of long marriages, at least 2 years or more seems like the right amount of time needed to heal. What do you think?

  116.  #116mary on May 6, 2010 at 9:56 pm


    I think that men need women more than women need men, because women have Rori Raye’s blog!

    So they can’t wait two years. They have to find another woman right away, and usually that woman helps them get over the other relationship. And sometimes they just put all the pictures into a box in the garage and declare it “over.”

    That’s what I think…

  117.  #117mary on May 6, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    well, Island Guy:

    i talked with him on Tuesday on the phone. he asked me out on Saturday. he lives an island away. it’s Thursday.

    no word.

    i’m waiting for plans!

    R used to keep in touch with me and he always made solid plans. he’d let me know exactly when he’d pick me up three or four days beforehand, and he’d be there then. oh! always on time.

    i miss R.

    he felt like home to me.

    oh yes, but the content there was missing… he only felt familiar, and familiar is not enough to qualify for home.



    i just want a home with a real man in it.

    i can’t be my own home. i can only pacify myself while i wait…

    i’m waiting for Island Guy.

  118.  #118mary on May 6, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    i feel lonely.

  119.  #119Saskia on May 6, 2010 at 11:35 pm


    For me this post is undoubtedly the most important one you have ever written, the one that really hit home. I have always suspected that I was that junkie in our relationship, willing to deny my wants, needs and desires only to keep him. Well my boyfriend of over 4 years has still dealt me the “need space card” a couple of weeks ago, saying that he doesn’t want the responsibility of my happiness any longer. He does however insist that his feelings for me haven’t changed (I suppose he is telling the truth there since it seems that he has never truly loved me) and that he wants to remain friends (without sex though) I “played” it cool, going along with it all in the hope that by staying in his life and just proving to him how “good” an “valuable” I am he will change his mind. Now I realise that I would only be setting myself up for more pain, what reason would he have to come back to me, if he has me as a friend, but none of the “responsibilities” and being free at the same time to pursue other women for thrills. And I would waste my time and
    energy waiting patiently. You are so right Rori, I need to say no, this is not what I want. And yet it is so hard to do, I am so afraid of cutting myself of from him (I wanted to say loose him here, but I can hear you say that I never really had him and I think that’s probably true). Gosh, I don’t know if I can do it!

  120.  #120Daria on May 7, 2010 at 12:22 am

    Practicing how to best express my feeling message to this man:

    I dono wat to say. I’m feeling weird. I really really like you. Im feeling you more than any other man im dating rite now. And i am also feeling bad. I keep giving you excuses… that youre too young, or too spiritual and nonconventional… and i dont want a man i have to make excuses for. I dont want to communicate mainly by texts. I dont want to get calls with no voicemail. I dont want to be asked for sexual stuff for a man. And i feel touched by your honesty and lack of pretense. It feels reassuring. And i feel guilty that I want these things that sometimes seem “for show.” Like voicemails, calls, dates, extra special courtesy. And the truth is I DO want these things. I am a nonconventional, spiritual girl, and I don’t want a man to slack on providing these things for me even when we have a heart connection. I’m not materialistic and I DON’T want to miss out on the material things because of it.

    I feel even more worried that I don’t yet trust myself to take care of myself in this way, and I don’t want a man that I don’t trust this way.

    I don’t need fancy, and I don’t want to NOT be treated fancy.

    I’m feeling confused. I feel trust in you. And I feel disappointed at bein treated how I am lately.

    I’ve been feeling kinda resentful, finding myself suddenly feeling angry wanting to push you out my heart… and missing you a lot. I don’t want to be missing you a lot.

    I don’t want to make excuses for being treated informally.

    I don’t want no effort from a man.

    I don’t want to be asked for stuff.

    I don’t want to hear less from a man I was close with.

    I don’t want to communicate only by text.

    I don’t want to get missed calls with no voicemails.

    I don’t want to be asked for sexual favors… the princess in me feels a lil sad…

    It’s important to me that my man’s main concern is how I feel. That he thinks up ways of pleasing me…
    that he thinks up ways to make my day better, ways to turn me on, ways to help me, ways to make me happy…

    I feel so sad. I feel bad. I feel disappointed. I don’t want to feel this way with you. I feel sad feeling drifting away from u. I dont wnat to not have you close! I don’t want to separate my heart from yours! I feel helpless.

  121.  #121Daria on May 7, 2010 at 1:03 am

    oh no i feel so bad

    he wrote back

    It’s all good. U dont gotta force it. I make you so unhappy then why keep doin it? Night.

    i feel so sad im crying…

    i wrote back

    ohh that feels so bad

    this does feel bad

    (thinking: tool wise… i sent him about 4 textfulls encompassing some of my feelings above… he reacted what seems defensively… coudl it be too much at once? maybe he’s nto able to handle my feelings as well as i’d like … im not feeling good… but now im feeling a lil better and centered and calm)

  122.  #122Daria on May 7, 2010 at 1:21 am

    He says:

    Yes it does. Thank u

    ok that feels weird. i feel like attackinghim for worrying about his feelings more than mine it seems.

    he seems like sensitive man but from the beginning i noticed he was into his feelings. tho he did seem to care a lot about mine

    ok.. first i felt mad and i was writing a message about feleing judgemental…

    and then i sank a lil deeper

    i want the deep deep feelings, because i could feel myself tight in defense,

    and i wound up softening and

    instead of judging asking

    Papi i dont want a man thats more into his feelings than mine. Wat do u think? I feel scared and tightend up an I feel desperate to feel safe and close to you

  123.  #123Daria on May 7, 2010 at 1:24 am

    now i feel relieved and good that i expressed myself and how im really feeling deep down. i feel a sigh of relief.

    still feelin a lil shaky

    i wnat to know what he thinks. does he want to be more into his feelings than mine?

    i feel scared

    an i feel at peace

    i feel feminine

    i feel respectful of him

  124.  #124Daria on May 7, 2010 at 1:42 am

    wow he hasn’t written back…

    but i feel so surprised at how GOOD I feel now!

    I mean i REALLY feel good. I feel calm, happy, at peace with myself, proud of myself, and just content as hell

    i feel completely chill!

    i feel like ive done my part

    i feel like a Goddess and a Lady

    i feel so dignified!

    is this what it feels like to express my deepest feelings to a man?

    i thought it woudl feel messy…

    is it just this once?

    I feel like everything is good and safe and at peace

    i feel respectful and safe with my man

    like i respected the divine masculine

    i do feel a lil weird when i wonder whether this man can pick up the ball and do his part

    but i feel CLOSE to the divine masculine

    i feel heard by the divine masculine… i feel honored by him. i see him in awe of me and my Goddess power… in awe of my dignity and my opening up my heart and hiding nothing… and not blaming… and asking him clearly what he thinks

    i feel a lil concern that maybe it was blaming to say
    i dont want a man more into his feelings than mine…

    but then agian… i ask… what does he think? is he that man?

    i am not saying he is, i feel worried and i ask. he decides. he tells. he has the power

    I have the power

    I feel SHOCKED of how i feel so calm and fulfilled.

    i want to say… whats going on? why do i feel so calm and fulfilled?

    my inner masculine feels honored is the answer

  125.  #125Daria on May 7, 2010 at 1:48 am

    i had a hella fun cd with a man all day today…

    and at the end i felt weird about kisisng him. i felt comfortable with him today…
    and i kissed him last time

    and i Did kiss him today, and it didnt feel bad, but i felt a lil weird

    i dont feel sexually attracted to him, and i dont feel repelled

    i feel a lil guilty and confused

    i feel like chill, and great being his friend… and i feel a lil awkward, tightned up Thinking about kissing him…

    but when i kissed him it felt kinda a lil bit nice…

    unless i thought about who i was kissing…

    feels weird!!

  126.  #126Daria on May 7, 2010 at 2:21 am

    still feeling good!

    what a total vibe shift!

    goin to bed!


  127.  #127Jeannette on May 7, 2010 at 3:00 am

    Daria, I know what you mean about kissing. You have to feel like you have some real attraction before feeling floaty and turned on when you’re kissing. I have a date this weekend with a guy and if I don’t enjoy kissing him after dating him 4 or 5 times, it may be time to move on. You can’t fake it!

  128.  #128Ankita on May 7, 2010 at 3:03 am

    HI ladies,

    Came across an interesting article. Thought about sharing it here.

    How to Persuade a Man- By Bob Grant

    The Secret to Persuading a Man

    I’ll tell you a secret that you probably won’t hear from any other man…
    Men actually want to be persuaded by women. For all their talk of independence, and concerns regarding being manipulated, they actually enjoy a woman who knows HOW to charm them into doing things.
    Here is the secret to being persuasive….
    When you make a request, do the following steps:

    1. Make direct eye contact
    2. Smile
    3. State your request in a calm and kind voice, and say it ONLY ONCE

    Hold your smile for approximately 5 seconds and look directly at him (do not yell from another room, look in a different direction, avert your eyes, etc,). I guarantee that he will not only hear your request, but more importantly – he will feel it.
    He may not really want to grant your request or agree with what you want, and initially, he may not respond to it, or even deny it. In fact, this is quite often the initial reaction. But, he will consider what you have asked, and if it is not outlandish or impossible, you might just be surprised at the results.
    I counseled a couple who fought frequently. The woman was extremely discouraged because her husband rarely seemed to listen to her, or to do things that she asked of him. I worked with this woman privately in one session, and suggested that she try the technique that I just mentioned.
    Here is what happened….

    This woman wanted an extra $500.00 to spend on Christmas. A few weeks prior to Christmas, she approached her husband in the following manner; she sat down next to her husband who happened to be reading something at the kitchen table, smiled, looked at him, and stated simply in a calm and kind manner, “I would really like to have an extra $500.00 to spend on Christmas this year.” Her husband did not respond, or even look up from what he was reading. Nevertheless, she continued to smile and look at him for approximately 5 seconds, then left the room, and went about her business.
    Several days later, she was busying herself at home hanging Christmas decorations, when her husband tapped her on the shoulder. “Here,” he stated. He then handed her five $100 bills. Needless to say, she was shocked, and pleasantly surprised.
    If you want to be persuasive, try this method. You will be surprised just how often the man in your life will be willing to honor your request.

  129.  #129Simply Shannon on May 7, 2010 at 7:12 am

    Siena: It totally depends on the person. Some people are over their divorce as soon as the paper is dry. Others are still not over decades after the fact. This is one of those places where I wonder if they have an okay relationship. Same as with their family. Do they talk bad about their ex? Does talking about the ex (or their family or anyone else) feel bad to me?

    I’m dealing with this with Mr. Fab Kisser. His ex is not exactly the nicest person to deal with (totally one sided judgment here). I know she’s not over it and really he isn’t either because he’s still playing into it. And that feels bad to me.

    Why am I still talking to this man? Weird. I see what I’m doing. And I’m going kayaking with him later today. One day at a time…

  130.  #130mary on May 7, 2010 at 7:17 am

    hello Saskia,

    i really related to you when i read your comment. your last line, “i don’t know if i can do it!”

    you mean you don’t know if you can say you don’t want to see him any more? feels like shooting yourself in the foot?

    do you want to spend time with him and know that he’s got an active online profile, is going on coffee dates and looking for a replacement for you?

    that will make you feel really, really low.

    i know this from personal experience.

    i did that for a while. then i finally wrote my guy an email and told him i wouldn’t be in touch. after that i ignored all of his calls, emails, letters and messages from friends.

    he came back.

    it didn’t work.

    i’m free again! LOVING IT now, even though i miss him.

    there is no alternative to the pain. it’s already been thrust upon you. just ride it like a wave and know that it will come and go! and you can do it.

    we’re here with you. tell us your feelings…

  131.  #131Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 7:40 am

    Siena, RE: #115 – Getting Over Divorce

    I never lived with my husband, so we shared no property, children, or, you got it, sex. 🙁 LOL! Anyway, it took me about a year. All thru the divorce process, he kept trying to win me back. It was hard to stay strong and go thru with it when the fight that ended it was months in the past. Yet I knew it would just keep erupting again, so I stayed on my path, distancing my heart from his attempts to lure me back.

    I think it would take a year minimum, but if there is still a chance of them getting back together, why set yourself up for future heartbreak? There are so many things that bind them together, on a deep heart level.

  132.  #132Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 7:58 am

    I’ve been thinking about texting, emailing, and IMing. I really enjoy texting and receiving texts, etc. I think in the future, tho, I will try to keep it at a bare minimum. It’s true that most of communication is nonverbal. I don’t want to miss that communication. I have had long distance relationships so long that it feels comfortable to me to write when I communicate, just like on this blog. Yet I feel like I am missing a lot when I don’t reserve deep communication for when I am face-to-face with a man.

    Ryan used to be adamant about it, saying, “I would prefer to discuss that in person.” It was clear he was studying my face when he spoke with me, weighing my emotions. I appreciated feeling so connected to him when he tuned in. But in his case, he seemed to use it to attack me later, not to love me.

    Now I’m getting to know Bill, who works in a different building, so we email and IM a lot thru the company’s system. That’s fine for work-related stuff, cuz we’re on the same project. But I think in the future, I will save personal get-to-know-you conversation for when we are in the same room. I am missing too much of the communication, and I found men like to hide behind that.

  133.  #133mary on May 7, 2010 at 8:06 am


    i had a friend when i was young. his name was dave. he had a wife and three beautiful baby girls (two were twins.) he and i were very close, because our personalities were so much alike. and we were in a band. it was a traveling band. and we shared the same mike. for years.

    he got leukemia.

    i was devastated. completely demolished. horrible grief.


    i wrote him a letter and told him exactly how i felt. i described the depth of my pain.

    and then i felt sudden relief. like i had done my part! strangely at peace. unbelievably okay.

    very similar to the way you described your feelings in 124.

    i spent all of my savings and went to see him just before he died, and the look of gladness on his face was priceless.

  134.  #134saskia on May 7, 2010 at 8:31 am


    I am afraid that I am shooting myself in the foot, whatever I do. At this stage I want him back, so cutting off contact scares me because it feels like I am then deciding to no longer have him in my life. Staying in contact makes me anxious because I worry that this will be very painful for me, especially when other women come in the picture (doesn’t even bear thinking about)
    Damn it, damn it damn it!

  135.  #135Siena on May 7, 2010 at 9:13 am

    Thank you Mary, Shannon and Brenda,

    I realized (again) that I was trying to figure things out (again) in my brain (again), instead of just engaging my heart and letting it go from there.

    And THEN I remembered that I did the same thing recently with someone I ended up caring for. It didn’t work out, and I got hurt. But if I had listened to my heart, I would have at the very least slowed us down, and so maybe would have avoided the heartache that came later.

    Yes, heart, I hear you. I hear your messages. I hear you screaming at me to listen to you. I will listen. Thank you heart. I love you!

  136.  #136Simply Shannon on May 7, 2010 at 9:21 am

    Siena: Maybe the reason you wrote it here is so that *I* would hear the message. 🙂 Thank you.

    I have had tunnel vision with Mr. Fab Kisser. I wasn’t seeing what I needed to see. I was molding the things I didn’t like to make it okay. I’m paying attention again.

  137.  #137Daria on May 7, 2010 at 9:29 am

    I’m feeling awful an kina shut down. so i wake up this morning to get messages saying basically:

    i hope you find what you want and i hope you learn how to be true cuz you werent to me. youre a slut and i dont need a slut.

    i feel shocked . then i wondered if this is because of what rori says about the man finding his anger… and maybe this is good.

    (but how are we supposed to handle it when he finds his anger? i know we’re not suppose to tolerate bein called names)

    so i wrote back

    i dont want to belong to any man but god til a man proposes w a ring an a plan an it fls good. I want to hear wen u mad an i dnt want to tolerate fln attacked and awful

    then he writes back:

    Take it how u want. Ur wrong. And u need to get right. Not me. Do you. Its whatever.

    And i feel shut down. weirdly enough, these are a mirror of my thoughts about him.

    so i was gonna let it go, and not write. then i decided to

    this coldness feels bad. I feel really mad and i dont wnat to pull on u to talk to me. i feel betrayed and turned on. Im gna lean back and take care of me now.

  138.  #138Siena on May 7, 2010 at 9:37 am


    That feels good to hear! I need to get out of my head, it’s starting to drive me crazy! And it’s really messed me up where relationships go… so outta the head, into my heart.

    Daria, I feel so sad to hear what you wrote. But actually, I feel good about it too. You’ve engaged his heart, and now you two are getting real!

  139.  #139Simply Shannon on May 7, 2010 at 9:39 am

    Daria: I feel stunned and… wow… yeah stunned and bewildered. He called you a slut and you reacted with “shocked”. What? Where’s the fury? I don’t say this mildly or sarcastically. I feel seriously confused reading these texts back and forth. Why would you excuse being called a slut as “good” because he’s finding his anger?

    Something does not feel right here, and I can’t figure out why. I guess I’m just really surprised at your reaction. ???

  140.  #140Simply Shannon on May 7, 2010 at 9:41 am

    Daria: Are you trying to fix him? Make him see you as not a slut? I dunno. This is bugging me. I didn’t comment earlier because I’m trying not to help but I am really feeling shocked. Ack. My heart feels on fire. What is up with this?

  141.  #141Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 9:47 am

    Daria, I’m sad for you. I feel the same way as Shannon. You know, forgiveness is good, but I feel surprised at the least that you are excusing him. Sure, I agree, let a man vent his anger…but not in a disrespectful way.

    I woulda told him I feel disrespected. I don’t deserve to be treated second class, and I don’t like it.

    Something like that…or else silence.

  142.  #142Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 9:50 am

    Siena, the line that keeps cuming to mind when you talk about getting over a divorce is, “I won’t get involved until there is a PERIOD at the end of the SENTENCE.” That’s my policy for dealing with men who may be on the rebound. It really can’t be counted in years. That can be some indicator, but it’s really individual, where each person is emotionally.

    My parents divorced after 25 years of marriage following 3 years of courting. My Dad started to date almost right away. My Mom cried buckets for months, and she never did remarry.

  143.  #143Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 9:57 am

    Daria, it is never ok for someone to call you a bad name. Never.

    Not even yourself.

  144.  #144Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 9:57 am

    Hi Apple Jacks 🙂 How have you been?

  145.  #145Siena on May 7, 2010 at 10:01 am

    Brenda, yes – that feels good. The ‘period at the end of the sentence’. Where I have run into problems is that people say that to me a lot. (“Oh, I’m totally over it.”) But I don’t trust it.

    So I was looking for a formula. (2 years = ready.) When really, I should just listen to my heart in these matters. My heart knows whassup. My brain tries to reason with it, though,

    Typical Siena Brain/Heart argument

    Heart: Something doesn’t feel good here. hmmm, maybe I should step back.

    Brain: oh, but he’s a good guy. Your family loves him. He’s got money. He’s cute.

    Heart: Ya, all that’s true, but I feel something is off.

    Brain: Well, don’t mess this up. If you ask him, he’ll go away and you don’t want that.

    Heart: You’re right brain, I don’t want him to leave me.

    Brain: Ya, because he’s the best guy you’ve ever met.

    Heart: You’re so right. Maybe I was just feeling scared of commitment. Okay, I won’t say anything. But…

    Brain: No buts, heart! You’re just being silly now.

    Heart: hmm, okay. But I’m feeling disengaged from him!

    Brain: He’s just busy with work. Give him some space, and it will be fine.

    Heart: Okay, but I’m feeling..

    Brain: STOP heart!

    Heart: Ok


  146.  #146Daria on May 7, 2010 at 10:10 am

    hes still sayin the same bullshit. like… he was true to me, and i just let him know things about me that he doesnt respect at all, and the truth hurts and be glad i got somebody to lie to me know cuz it aint him. and hes gota go to his granpas funeral (which i told him before im so sorry for).

    basically im writing:

    Im sorry about his funeral. I don’t lie when it’s not easy to hear. I dnt pretend im his wife and im not. i feel hearbroke. i love him but i dont tolerate abuse.

    oops it got sent

    well there we go

    i feel triggered thinking about when Mercedes was talking about that no man with self esteem will date a woman that is sleeping with other men.

    i am wondering if i should tell him i didnt sleep with other men…

    but i would feel weird, like im explaining myself…

    and the truth is, i don’t know yet that i want to be exclusive with him sexually

    ohhh fuck it

    im just gonna stop hopping the elephant

    i wrote this now

    the truth is i havent slept with another. I dont know yet if id want to be exclusive with you sexually. I need to see how I feel in bed… And to know better if you’re a man that keep exclusive

    fuck him lol.

    sex needs to be good for me to want exclusive

    an u pretty much fucked it up now lil daddy

    with all this bullshit and attacking me

    and hes still sending messages fast… i dont get a good feeling…

    but now i feel relieved! that i stopped hopping the elephant

  147.  #147tinque on May 7, 2010 at 10:14 am

    Siena – there is no formula. It’s so individual, and the length of time can vary wildly.
    As an extreme, I can cite my own situation. I hadn’t been separated two weeks, when K and I were “reunited” on a blind date. We’ve been together ever since. My divorce wasn’t final for another six months.
    There was no rebound going on. My former relationship had been dead for a great many years. It just took me a long time to summon up the courage to get out.

  148.  #148Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 10:16 am


    “i am wondering if i should tell him i didnt sleep with other men…”

    This man is unworthy of an explanation. He has not taken care of your feelings. A kind, decent man does not attack.

    Where is Brand Daria? What do you stand for?

    Not this crap.

  149.  #149Siena on May 7, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Tinque, it’s good hear you on here. I actually considered your situation when I was ‘thinking’ about it last night, because I remember you had written somewhere that it had just been 2 weeks for you… that’s when I realized that I was looking for a formula that isn’t there.

    Love to you!

  150.  #150Simply Shannon on May 7, 2010 at 10:21 am

    Daria: What if you had slept with other men? I feel mad. I’m thinking of that conversation with Ingrid and how furious you were that she used that word to describe another woman. This guy is calling you a slut and you’re “shocked”. Blech.

    See I’m convince you to tell this guy to fuck off.


    Because I think I’ll be saying something similar to Mr. Fab Kisser. Not because he’s being mean but because I don’t always feels good when I’m with him.

    I want to fix him.

    Which means I see him as broken.

    Which means he’s not “perfect” for me.

    I do not want to fix a man. I want a man who is perfect for me just the way he is.

    I feel bad Daria. You’re handling this the way that feels best for you. I’m so tempted to delete my words above but I won’t. This is me. I like “helping” and offering advice. I apologize for being disrespectful.

  151.  #151Simply Shannon on May 7, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Hmmm… my last comment went into moderation. Gonna try it again…

    Daria: What if you had slept with other men? I feel mad. I’m thinking of another conversation and how furious you were that slut was used to describe another woman. This guy is calling you a slut and you’re “shocked”. Blech.

    See I’m convince you to tell this guy to fuck off.


    Because I think I’ll be saying something similar to Mr. Fab Kisser. Not because he’s being mean but because I don’t always feels good when I’m with him.

    I want to fix him.

    Which means I see him as broken.

    Which means he’s not “perfect” for me.

    I do not want to fix a man. I want a man who is perfect for me just the way he is.

    I feel bad Daria. You’re handling this the way that feels best for you. I’m so tempted to delete my words above but I won’t. This is me. I like “helping” and offering advice. I apologize for being disrespectful.

  152.  #152Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Siena, you know what works for me? I just don’t worry about anything anymore! 🙂 The pieces will fall into place. I trust myself completely. All of my relationships unfold exactly as they are meant to, in beautiful fashion.

    I reach for the thought that feels good.

    I don’t analyze or try to get into another’s head. I stick only with what I can control & that’s my thoughts & feelings.

    I heard something intriguing:

    A person becomes to us what we think of them. No matter what qualities they possess, when they are with us they can only be what we expect of them. So why not expect what feels good?

    And then I took it a step further – what if we only see in ourselves what feels good? Dismiss any & all thoughts about ourselves that don’t feel good. Tell ourselves, “I am attractive. I am kind. I am affectionate. I am confident.” Only the good stuff. Make it up if we have to! Then that is all we can be to ourselves. Always. Only the good stuff. And THEN:

    If “that is what’s like unto itself is drawn” we will ONLY draw to us that which feels good!


  153.  #153Daria on May 7, 2010 at 10:31 am

    he says Okay? Well if u eva decide to be true to me I will accept dat u jus gonna be fuckin around till I or somebody marry you. Ha! Ur burnt. Late.

    Then he says something about me not feeling wrong for what i did and that he will not marry me if hes gotta rush cuz I already showed him im not solid

    i said

    u got me fuckd up with all the names. and judging and assuming is not solid. i dont know what this thing i did is but you can ask me anything and i will keep it real.

    then he says

    Ok. Like that? I got a question. U want to be with me or not?

    then the next text is:

    I felt love 4 u and that is why I choose to tell you how I feel. If I didnt love you I would treat this situation like you are.

    I wrote him:

    U know what. I loved u and i trusted you to treat me good but instead i feel blame and pain and tears. I need more than passion I need safety and kindness. I feel unsure.

  154.  #154Siena on May 7, 2010 at 10:35 am

    wow Goodheart! That’s awesome!

    “don’t analyze or try to get into another’s head. I stick only with what I can control & that’s my thoughts & feelings.”

    THIS is what I’m struggling with often nowadays. Bringing myself back to center and not thinking about what another person is doing/not doing.

    How do you bring yourself back to your thoughts and feelings? Like literally – do you pinch yourself? That’s what Rori’s channeling list is, isn’t it. hmmm… I need to keep that close.

  155.  #155Daria on May 7, 2010 at 10:41 am

    okay aCK!

    this is turning around 180


    (I only stuck with this because Rori says men will get angry when they Get the no boyfriend speech. like really angry. and that sometimes they might call you a bitch. and this is good. its good that theyre angry. )

    and now he said to me:

    I understand. I really do. But i feel u dont care what I say. And if u fuck around, how are we supposed to grow together? I don’t get that part.

    HELP! now. This is classic… but i still never understood what to do at this point.

  156.  #156Daria on May 7, 2010 at 10:43 am

    Lol. I can write back: I don’t know either. I just know that it will work.

    i dont know!!! lol

    wow I feel shocked how this has turned around!

    what the hell?!

    i feel happy!

  157.  #157tinque on May 7, 2010 at 10:44 am

    How do you bring yourself back to your thoughts and feelings?
    over and over again. you keep gently bringing your thoughts back to you, and sink into the feelings.

  158.  #158Siena on May 7, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Daria, I’m rooting for you! Yay! You opened him up and are COMMUNICATING! Yay!

    Why not respond with something like,

    “I don’t know what to do about it. I know I feel good when you talk to me like you did just now. What do you think?”

    Oh man – or something like that – mine is lame…

  159.  #159Daria on May 7, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Ok. he says:

    Y u cant be faithful? I want that.

  160.  #160Siena on May 7, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Wow wow wow!

  161.  #161Siena on May 7, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Can you ask him something like,

    “You mean you want me faithful for now, or for a long time?”

  162.  #162mary on May 7, 2010 at 10:51 am

    now what?

    this guy is gonna call me at 2 o’clock today (three hours from now).

    i dated him in the fall and called him feminine energy guy, but when i look back on the times we had, they were very good! as much as i like a man with a plan, i know that over the years my personality has been squelched to nothingness. it is nice to be consulted, and to make plans together.

    so, another chance for him.


    he likes to jump in with both feet and “be a couple.”

    question: how do i backtrack from the way it was with him (two or three dates a week, lots of kissing) and keep the free-flow of circular dating that i have right now?

    he’s a talker.

    he’ll ask tons of questions today when we talk on the phone.


    before i marry anyone, i’m gonna see what it’s like with the guy who’s soon to be divorced. he will come my way when it’s done. and we got along fabulously when we were kids… stranger things have happened… and I JUST KNOW about him…

    so right now, to recap, i have:

    1. home in the woods man (formerly fem energy man)
    2. all the other coffee dates
    3. island man (still hasn’t called me for date
    4. soon to be divorced man (that i’ll probably marry)

    my goal:

    to gain information about myself and about the guys who come my way to make a good choice about a mate! (don’t a lot of us have the same goal?)


    1. pressure from home in the woods guy
    2. my heart response to island guy (i could fall for him)
    3. knowledge that divorced man could fit really well into my life, and i could fit into his, but it’ll be some time before i even see him.
    4. so many circular dates! not sure how many to schedule.

    any thoughts out there? i could go a lot of different ways at this point.

    standing on a path with four different feeders. paralyzed to make the wrong decision. unable to choose…

  163.  #163Daria on May 7, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Now he says:

    I love you and I want to stay with you. I just want you to love me and want the same.

  164.  #164mary on May 7, 2010 at 10:54 am

    i’m reading these comments daria, and it is SO COOL the way your guy turned himself around…

  165.  #165Siena on May 7, 2010 at 10:56 am

    Daria, yay!

    You got him!

  166.  #166Daria on May 7, 2010 at 10:56 am

    Siena – he’s told me before he wants to spend his life with me.

    I feel sooo much better… gosh that felt awful…

    im tryna write a message basically about not bein faithful till marriage

  167.  #167Daria on May 7, 2010 at 10:57 am


    what od i say now!! haha


    what do i sayyy

  168.  #168Siena on May 7, 2010 at 10:58 am

    don’t try to explain – why not just give him a feeling message!

    He knows what you expect, and what will make you “faithful”. He doesn’t need it to be explained anymore. He got the message! It’s what pissed him off!

    Feeling message now!

  169.  #169mary on May 7, 2010 at 11:00 am

    why not quit while you’re ahead?

  170.  #170Siena on May 7, 2010 at 11:06 am

    Mary, I could have written your previous message about on a path and not knowing which to choose.

    I believe your heart knows what is good for it. Follow your heart!

  171.  #171Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 11:09 am

    Siena, it’s a struggle for me too & I think that’s ok. I’m trying to get a stockpile of good thoughts & feelings & mantras that I go to whenever I am feeling less than good. It’s always easier for us to good with the negative. It’s human nature. Boom – we’re right there. But I’m finding that the more good thoughts I think, the more come my way. I can literally walk out the door & think, “people are nice. People are always so nice & friendly.” And all my interactions that day are with nice, friendly people! And, unfortunately, it works the other way too. Negativity will attract more negativity. And it turns into this huge rolling ball of yuck. I want a huge rolling ball of YUM!

    Experiment with mantras that make you feel good & tingly. At first, I felt silly & didn’t have much emotion to go with them, but then it got easier. A belief is only a thought we keep thinking.

    I have rooms in my house that bring out mantras in me. For example, whenever I’m in the laundry room I automatically say, “I love & accept myself no matter what.” I say it over & over & over until I leave the room. It is an engrained habit now. In the shower it’s “I have great self-esteem & self-love.” In the mirror, “I’m so darn cute!” 🙂

    It becomes habit & our subconcious latches on & believes it. Our lives change.

    Then we slip up & latch on to a negative thought & we have yucky stuff again. But I’m noticing that I can switch back quicker & easier each time & then things get good again. And I realize that the power is mine. No one elses. I am attracting an exact vibrational match every time.

    The guys we’re getting, they are just cling-ons from thougts we’re having. I think it was Turtle Girl who was having the impotent men. She had one & probably thought about it a lot & then, boom, there was another. She probably thought, oh crap another one, what’s going on? Why am I attracting this. And then here comes another. The big rolling ball (excuse the pun). So we must turn our thoughts not to what is happening that we don’t like, but to what we WANT. I want a virile, (um) stand up kind of man. 🙂

    Whew. This is long. Sorry. I could go on for days with this.

  172.  #172Daria on May 7, 2010 at 11:09 am


    I wrote

    I fl heard and it feels good. I dont want to be faithful before marriage. I feel better getting to know a man through dating and not getting exclusive before then.

    I love you and I would consider u as a man i could be forever with. Show me.

  173.  #173Simply Shannon on May 7, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Daria: What do you want? Do you want to be exclusive (sexual or otherwise) with this man? Or does it feel better to keep your options open? This can be whatever you want it to be.

    And you are faithful… faithful to yourself!

    It will feel great to be married and be faithful but I don’t want to be exclusive until I know someone better.

    How does that feel?

  174.  #174Simply Shannon on May 7, 2010 at 11:13 am

    Yeah Daria! You rode the bucking bull! I would totally have jumped off long before, but you did it. Woohoo!

  175.  #175Siena on May 7, 2010 at 11:18 am

    Wow, Goodheart, I feel lightheaded! What you wrote is SO true! So… here’s what I take from what you wrote, and it’s making my heart beat a million miles a minute because I can SEE how we get what we expect:

    There are limitless possibilities! We are all so complex! So, I’m heartbroken and *not* heartbroken and happy and sad and angry and confused and scared of ‘forever’ and excited about ‘forever’ and on and on and on…

    I’m ALL those things! So the man must be too! If like attracts like, it’s more about what we bring out in him than anything else.

    Oh, I’m not putting into words the right way, but I can FEEL it! And it feels exciting and wonderful because I CAN control my thoughts about things, and so my love life really CAN be great, regardless of who comes into my life! Yay!

    Thank you for helping me see that.

  176.  #176Daria on May 7, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Thanks Shannon Siena, Mary, Goodheart!


    i feel sooo relieved.


    rode the bull for real.


    I don’t want to be exclusive yet.

    I don’t feel ready to marry him yet, I would like to know him better and SEE the foundation.

    And I dont want to be exclusive sexually yet, but I might in the future… am willing to engage sexually again lol

  177.  #177Siena on May 7, 2010 at 11:23 am

    OMIGOSH! And I JUST ***GOT*** the message/mirror thing! For reals, for the first time I totally get it!

    ANY ONE of these men that I’ve met would have been ‘right’ for me, but *I* wasn’t in the right place! If I had met them in a different mindset, it might have worked! (None of these guys were married or abusive or other things that are total dealbreakers.)

    ohmigosh, ohmigosh, ohmigosh… imagine the possibilities!

  178.  #178Siena on May 7, 2010 at 11:25 am

    …sooo – this whole time I’ve been *praying* for Mr. Right, and men have come and gone… my prayers have been answered over and over and over again.

    Oof, I feel a sock in my stomach. It has been ME the entire time!

    Wow – overwhelm! oh boy…

  179.  #179Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 11:28 am

    Okay just finished mostly reading (some scanning) through all the posts.

    Daria I am glad that you are feeling better and have turned this whole thing around with this particular man. I feel triggered however, at him calling you that. I don’t like that word just feel really dirty and disgusted whenever it’s just tossed out at women so loose and freely without a care or consideration to how they might feel. I feel prtective and vengful against this guy. *Grrrr* I just want to tear his flesh off.

    I need some guidance here, I am very frustrated. I feel like I just cannot find my feelings! I do not know how to get out of my head lately. I have sensations in my body, but I cannot articulate them! I feel like I’m numbing myself because I am not able to get in touch how I really feel!

    I also feel angry that I feel divided. A part of me feels excited and elated, but the other part feels very depressed and shut down. I want to bring myelf out but I feel like I’m in a fucking tunnel with no fucking light! I want to be emotional, but instead I’m operating with a cool head! I want my emotions to burst out, but not in a crazy way! I’m overwhelmed with all the learning.

    I WANT MONEY!!! So that I can buy that pretty new dress I saw at the store and have something to wear the next time I go out. FUCK, what the FUCK?

    I have job applications to finish filling out and cover letters to write and I just don’t FUCKING WANNA!

    Maybe I’m bored and I’m tired of being bored??? Help! I can’t figure myself out!!!!

  180.  #180Pam on May 7, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Hi -This is random but I really wanted to share these words from Byron Katie’s The Work” as I think some of us might be able to relate:

    Much of our stress comes from mentally living Out of our Own Business. ……I realized that every time in my life that I had felt hurt or lonely, I had been in someone else’s business. If you are living your life and I am mentally living your life, who is here living mine? We’re both over there. Being mentally in your business keeps me from being present in my own. I am separate from myself, wondering why my life doesn’t work out. To think that I know what’s best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of love, it is pure arrogance and the result is tension, anxiety and fear. Do I know what’s right for me? That is my only business. Let me work with that before I try to solve your problems for you.

    Is this not what we do with our men?

  181.  #181Daria on May 7, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Pam – “used to do”

    ah… i feel relaxed and good and happy

  182.  #182Pam on May 7, 2010 at 11:36 am

    And I am working on getting there 🙂

  183.  #183Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 11:36 am

    Here’s the thing….I feel caught between my head and my heart (my feelings). Because I’m in a situation and surroundings where I constantly have to use my head and am trying to learn how to be deeper in my feelings and body….I’m going numb to my feelings and shutting down in my head….it’s making me angry but I can’t seem to channel it.

  184.  #184Daria on May 7, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Thanks Brenda too!

  185.  #185Daria on May 7, 2010 at 11:55 am

    I am afraid i am unaffectionate and cold. I love my unaffectionante and cold self.

    I am afraid I am affectionate and warm. I love my affectionate and warm self.


  186.  #186Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 11:55 am

    Siena, you get what you want if you really want it & don’t have any buts about it. “I want a relationship, but I never find a man I like.” “I want a good man, but there aren’t any out there.” “I want to be married, but the guys I meet are unavailable.” You get exactly that. That’s where we trip up. I want it, but. No BUTS. I want it. I get it.

    At the seminar I was at last week. 300 people. 5 door prizes. I said to anyone who would listen, “I’m getting a door prize.” I got a door prize. People thought I was psychic. No, I wanted it. I removed any blocks to wanting it. I got it.

    The hiker guy from last week showed me I still had negative emotions around men & relationships. I had in the back of mind, “I’ll like a guy & then he leaves.” It happened again & again. Now it’s, “the guys I really like commit to me & stay.” I’m changing my story. A belief is only a thought we keep thinking.

  187.  #187Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 11:55 am

    You sirens have been busy while I was busy in a meeting with BILL!

    I had a job-related meeting with 6 people, including myself, in a conference room at a large table. First Bill moved his seat to be next to me, saying we needed to work on the edits together.

    Then he lightly bumped my thigh with his knee under the table, turned slightly towards me. I left my leg exactly where it was, neither retreating nor reciprocating! A moment later, he lightly bumped it again, and again I didn’t move. After a while, he was partially resting his knee against my leg and partially bumping it now and then as he pivoted in his chair!

    Whew! I’ll tell you, for a coworker to do something like this, it’s pretty unmistakeable! And when those initial “touches” take place, they can be just as arousing as a sexual touch at later stages in the relationship!! ***still breathing heavily!!** LOL!

    It feels good that I’ve been totally adhering to Rori’s tools in this developing friendship, and it feels organic as Rori describes! I truly feel good being receptive, being the girl! In the past, without Rori’s training, I tended to be the outgoing one just because I was so used to going for what I want, being a single woman and alone for so many years. But the more I do it, the more this leaning back feels natural, because it resonates with the very-feminine heart that beats beneath my longing breasts! 🙂

    Stay tuned for the next chapter in my new-found friendship with Bill at work! Happy Bren!

  188.  #188Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Siena, I really enjoyed your conversation between your brain and your heart! Awesome work! That kind of thing is so helpful to understand yourself (and for ME to understand MYSELF). In the past, I ignored my gut level feelings, and I paid the price when I was dealing with toxic men. It feels good to take care of ourselves by LISTENING to our HEARTS. Women’s intuition is no joke. I am thankful that I have become a much better people reader just by remaining attuned to my heart. I’m learning to keep up walls and for ME to choose when to open doors. In the past, I had few walls, and I let way too many men trample my heart who had no business being there.

  189.  #189Siena on May 7, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    Goodheart, gosh – the implications of that are ASTOUNDING!

    Omigosh, there’s SO MUCH I could write – but here’s one of my stories.

    Last year, I dated someone that I really liked. He was toxic, though. And at the time, I was in a toxic/transitional time in my life. It is very obvious to me why I attracted him.

    Anyway, he left me and took up with a new girl who he fell in love with maybe 1 month after leaving me. I was really really hurt. But the whole time, I believed that he loved me! I even had a post-it (my famous post-it notes, they’re everywhere) that said Toxic Man Loves Me.

    Well, months later, when I was already totally over him and dating someone else, he called me out of the blue to tell me that he loved me. He had never said it to me before, and he wasn’t saying it because he wanted to get back together with me. He just called because he felt compelled to say it.

    I was stunned, and then remembered my post it note. I truly believed that he loved me, and I was right!

    But I didn’t believe that he could commit to me or make me happy ultimately and… I was right!

    I’m just so astounded at how this all works. I’m blown away and feel so grateful all at once!

  190.  #190Daria on May 7, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    A good mantra for teh office is :

    I feel brave

    when i think that… i feel a glimmer of not being afraid to do some of the stuff i wanted to do, like write letters etc…

    wow al this resistance was based on FEAR>???

    i didnt’ know this and this is COOL

  191.  #191Daria on May 7, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    i feel brave

    when i feel tightened up about contacting businesses.. why trip? i feel BRAVE!!!

    omgosh this rocks!!!

  192.  #192Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Siena — I love your brain/heart convo! (printed it out for future reference! 🙂 )

    Siena and Goodheart — Fascinating convo about thoughts and what we attract, etc. Fits with my realization last night lying in bed . . .

    I asked myself, “How would I feel if TN man actually invited me out to meet him?”

    I assumed I would feel ecstatic.

    But when I actually imagined it, I felt TERRIFIED!

    I also said to myself right away, “I’m not ready.”

    What???? What do you mean you’re not ready? This is what you’ve been longing for!!!

    “But I want to lose more weight first. I want to look better for him.”

    Whaaat? All this time I thought you were ready, and that he was just slacking!

    “I also want to have my act more together career-wise first. I’m afraid if I don’t, and things start to go well with him, I’ll mess it up by not having enough going on for myself and be to interested in what HE is doing. I already feel too curious about his work. I need to be more interested in my own work.”

    I probably have lots more fears and concerns about meeting him too, that are not completely conscious yet. I feel it in there.

    What do you think, Siren sisters????

  193.  #193Daria on May 7, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    I feel BRAVE in the OFFICE!!!

    what a new concept!!

    has me seeing myself as a sharp dressed business woman, briefcase, being respected and delegating and feeling confident and empowered!!



    could totally shift my relationship with OFFICE

  194.  #194Daria on May 7, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    watch me turn into a corporate head haha… oops taht feels scary that i will betray my values..


    so im safe!

    I feel SAFE when i feel brave!!


    whoa whoa whoa!!!

    no wonder I care so much about being BRAVE!

    When i feel BRAVE i AM SAFE!!!!

    (safe from attack from me?)


  195.  #195Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Yes, fear is a powerful force. That’s what a lot of Rori’s visualization and affirmation tools do…elevate our thoughts and feelings to a place far, far above that fear! When I am in the middle of the ocean flitting around like a happy siren, I am not at all fearful of men in ships, who may or may not land on our island! I love who I am! I love my sister sirens! I love what I’m doing! I’m ALREADY content! So why should I fear that a man might NOT crash his ship on the island? It doesn’t matter!

    Words and thought-pictures are even MORE powerful than fear!

  196.  #196Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    Lucy, I also agree with you, tho, about working on myself, preparing myself. I want to lose weight, and it is one of my biggest goals right now. I feel as long as we are working on improving ourselves and focused on becoming the best us we can be, that’s what matters.

  197.  #197Siena on May 7, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    okay – Lucy – your last post reminded me of ANOTHER story.

    Years ago, when I was totally completely in love with 5 year man, I was in a random church, on my knees, praying/begging that he step up to the plate and decide to be with me. I heard an audible voice in my head that said, “well, what would you do if he showed up?” and my response was, “gosh, I don’t know.”

    Well, just that moment, I felt a tap on my shoulder. 5 year man had come to the random church on a random day (not a sunday, no services then) and *happened* to be right where I was. He and I had zero plans of meeting there – he would have had no way to know I was there. It was a church in the LA area – he lived an hour away from it, and I lived an hour away from it in another direction.

    HE WAS THERE and I wasn’t ready.

    It was **me** the whole time!!

    Your heart knows what it knows Lucy – listen to it!

  198.  #198Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Haha, wouldn’t it be funny if he invited me now, and I said, “I don’t feel ready.” 🙂

  199.  #199Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    Simply Shannon, RE: #149 – You said, “I’m so tempted to delete my words above but I won’t. This is me. I like “helping” and offering advice. I apologize for being disrespectful.”

    I appreciate your attitude. I also think there is an exception when people are LOOKING FOR advice or support, when they come to you. Maybe sometimes on this site we’re just venting or sharing. And maybe Daria is doing just that (Daria?). I will speak for myself…when I write stuff on here, I am welcoming feedback…good, bad, or indifferent! I really value everyone’s wisdom and caring!!!

  200.  #200Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    There’s proof everywhere, Siena. It’s worth it just to experiment. Think only about what you want. See what happens.

    Years ago, I lived in a little 800 sq ft duplex. It was so common I would actually pull into the wrong driveway half the time! I started collecting little Thomas Kinkade cottages & putting them around my living room. Every time I looked at one, I would think, “I want to live in a cottage-y house like that.” Years later, when I finally was ready to move (I had redecorated & packed up my little cottages) I started on the hunt for my new house. The realtor was getting frustrated because every house she showed me I would say, “it doesn’t feel right.” I finally ventured out on my own one weekend, just browsing & pulled into this development, into the cul de sac & I felt this gush of wind in my lungs. There was my cottage! Full-size. And one by one, every road block was removed until that house is now the one I snuggle to bed in every night.

    I got my dog the same way. And my job. Pure contentment.

    Now the relationship. I want it. Remove all blocks.

  201.  #201Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    Siena, RE: #195 – WOW!!! That sounds like a holy hook-up and a direct answer to prayer! Chills!

  202.  #202Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    A guy just winked at me on match, so I read his profile and one part says, “I eat out every day. would love a home cooked meal.”

    Hello? Then cook yourself one!

  203.  #203Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Hey, guess what? Bill just asked me to meet for coffee Monday…on an Outlook invitation! I am sure that was his way of saying, “I won’t forget this time!” I “accepted” and then wrote, “Thanks! :-)” Warm fuzzies!

  204.  #204Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Oooh, Siena, that church story gave me chills!

    Lucy, I’m hearing “I want it but”

    When the buts are gone you’ll get it.

    It’s like PeeWee Herman, “Everyone has a big but. Le’ts talk about your big but.” 🙂

  205.  #205Siena on May 7, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Goodheart, I feel so so so so so so so so so (x100) encouraged! I love those stories!! Love love love!

    Brenda, yes – my prayers were answered. But I wasn’t ready! It was me the whole time!!!

    Also Brenda, re #186 – no walls! no doors! Open STRONG heart! That’s why being triggered (and learning to sink into the feelings) is so good, because your heart grows stronger and stronger until those things don’t hurt anymore! Or else they don’t hurt as much, and you can deal with them. Doors and walls only push away love.

  206.  #206Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Go Brenda. Go Brenda. Go Brenda. (I’m doing my little cheer). 🙂

  207.  #207Pam on May 7, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Goodheart – “I’m changing my story. A belief is only a thought we keep thinking.”

    THIS is what I am talking about!

    “Katie saw that when she believed that something should be different that it is (My husband should love me more, my children should appreciate me), she suffered and that when when she didn’t believe these thoughts, she felt at peace. She realized that what had been causing her depression was not the world around her, but what she believed about the world around her.”

    We can all change our story line!

  208.  #208Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Goodheart — Can you elaborate please for me (Lucy, I’m hearing “I want it but” When the buts are gone you’ll get it.)?

    Like, specifics.

    I don’t know if I just need to do those things (lose weight, focus on career) and then I will be ready, or if I need to accept those things the way they are right now so I am ready now or…what?

  209.  #209Siena on May 7, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    “I don’t know if I just need to do those things (lose weight, focus on career) and then I will be ready, or if I need to accept those things the way they are right now so I am ready now or…what?”

    I’m not Goodheart but (tee hee) – Lucy, those are things that you believe you need to earn love. You don’t need to earn/merit/deserve love. You get love just because you ARE. Nothing else!

  210.  #210Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Lucy, what happens when you lose the weight & focus on your career? You’ll want to go back to school? Or buy a new house? Or?

    It feels like you feel you aren’t good enough yet. But you are. You just need to believe it. Or else he won’t.

  211.  #211Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Wow, Siena, you & I are like, right there! 🙂

  212.  #212Siena on May 7, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Goodheart, it’s that ‘separated at birth’ thing. I got ya!

  213.  #213Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Pam, “She realized that what had been causing her depression was not the world around her, but what she believed about the world around her.”

    Yes! It’s how we interpret all the energy & vibes that surround us. And the energy & vibes that surround us are primarily coming from us.

  214.  #214Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    Thanks, girls. The thing is, I believe I’m “good enough” for love. However, he is a very attractive man and I know (from a mutual acquaintance) that most girls who meet him want him — which means he could have someone who is slender, and I’m sure that’s what he prefers.

    So it’s not that I feel I need to lose weight to deserve love. I feel I need to lose weight in order for him to choose me for forever.

    What do you think?

  215.  #215Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    I guess another way of saying it is that I don’t want him to be turned off by my body!

  216.  #216Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Oh Lucy. Re-read what you just wrote (#212). This sounds much better:

    “A lot of girls want him. A lot of men want me. He could have a slender girl if he wanted that. He could have me I want that.” Give yourself power. Not him.

  217.  #217Simply Shannon on May 7, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Lucy: All nasty voices will now take a seat in the corner. I said NOW!!

    If he could have any woman he wanted, then he would already have her. The problem is that maybe he wants YOU… warts and all.

    Ugh. I know how you feel because I have these nasty voices. I believe I am ready for love but maybe I don’t feel deserving of a really hot guy who could have any woman he wants. Sigh.

  218.  #218Siena on May 7, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    He will only be turned off by your body if you are.

  219.  #219Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    Slender doesn’t equal better. Nor does tall. Or short. Or big boobs. Or long hair.

    Rock your confidence. That’s what it’s all about. If you know that you’re the best, how could he doubt it? Men pull that on us all the time. The short, bald guy walking down the beach like he’s George Clooney! Lol & we fall for it. It works 🙂

  220.  #220Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    It cracks me up everytime I see my name above what I write, “Goodheart says” I think “Confuscious say” 🙂

    Confuscious say Girl who give advice better take advice.


  221.  #221Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Goodheart, Wow, I love your story about your cottage! More chills and goosebumps! I have had experiences like that, too! It’s awesome! I’m so happy for you!

  222.  #222Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    This really resonates Shannon: “I believe I am ready for love but maybe I don’t feel deserving of a really hot guy who could have any woman he wants.”

    I have experienced the reality that a lot of men want me AND are turned-on by my body and think it’s amazing and gorgeous. But these guys have not been as good-looking to me as TN man, and, in spite of THEIR confidence, I wasn’t really attracted to them physically.

    So, I like my body and it works really well and I feel confident with it EXCEPT when it comes to him.

    What’s THAT about???? I think it’s because he is way hotter than any other guy I’ve dated this decade.

    He is like the guy (Mark) I was engaged to in college. Every girl wanted him. I got him. One girl said to me, “How did YOU get him???”

    So I feel afraid that even though I got Mark — the hottest guy on campus — I won’t be able to get THIS hot guy, unless I look a bit hotter than I do now!

  223.  #223Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Confuscious say, “Short man dance with tall woman get bust in face!”

  224.  #224Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    Question ladies, basically what you’re all talking about is self-hypnosis? I tried self-hypnosis about six years ago to get my mind to attract things that I wanted, always found it hard. I was told that the more anxiety you have about what you want, the harder it is to get it. That conscious mind and sub concsious mind should be in total alignment. I feel like I’m more able to do this now, but I still feel blocked a lot and I cannot seem to work through them. I get confused what words to use what not to, what feelings to subscribe to and not…it makes me very dizzy.

  225.  #225Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    LOL Brenda! Confuscious smart ass. 🙂

    Lucy, what’s bothering me as that why is about looks? If that’s all we needed it would be easier. But I’ve dated mucho caliente men & lost interest because looks weren’t enough. There are gorgeous women who don’t get the guy or they get him & lose him. Sandra Bullock. Halle Barry. Marilyn Monroe.

    TN man may be sizzling looks-wise, but may not stimulate you in person.

  226.  #226Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Siena, RE: #203 – I still don’t know if we’re allowed to refer to Christian Carter’s relationship programs on this site, so please excuse me if I’m out of line. But when I talked about “walls” and “doors”, I was referring to tools from HIS relationship advice.

    He said how some men have ALL walls and smokescreens, and the smokescreens represent lies that keep anyone from seeing the real him behind the walls. No walls at all represents no boundaries, just letting slimey men come in and treat you like pond scum. He said HEALTHY boundaries are walls (ie, boundaries) with doors, so that I choose who comes in.

    I know what you mean about open heart, and I got that. My personal issue in the past has been virtually no boundaries. I am the sick little puppy who allowed men to set her all snuggled up in a baking pan. I thought I was being tucked in to bed, when in actuality, these vile men were preparing to place the baking pan in an oven and bake me to death.

    I have come out of some seriously damaging relationships…they were downright dangerous. I COULD have been killed, diseased, impregnated, or put in prison (one man tricked me into cashing the check of a dead man. A detective called me to come in for questioning. He said I was lucky I saved the forged notes that were supposedly from the man who just died). I was so naive, I was like a little girl going out on a city street. I could go on, but I am trying to leave my past in the past. Just to give you an idea, I invited three different men home and slept with them the day I met them. I could tell you many sad stories.

    For me? Walls and doors are good. I have learned to protect myself!

  227.  #227Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    AJacks, it’s taken me a long time, but I’m finally getting there. It’s not self-hypnosis. It’s just positive thinking. Your subconcious mind catches on to what you’re thinking & forms a belief around it. Whether it’s negative or positive. So the easiest way to go about it is to try & catch yourself whenever you’re feeling not-so-good. What was the thought you were thinking? Ok, change it to something positive. Our thoughts create our emotions & our emotions create our vibe & our vibe creates our reality.

    And the ankle bones connected to the foot bone.

  228.  #228Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    See? I just want a man who’s as weird as me.

  229.  #229Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    Brenda, I started with Christian Carter too so I know exactly what you’re talking about *clapping hands.* I never bought his stuff though, just read the newsletters. In the beginning he used to trigger me. Then as time went on, I made relaxed and found his stuff easy to understand. I went from Christian, to Marie Forleo (another big help) to Rori Raye. I feel that I had to go through the frist two to clear out the mental cobwebs before I can really go deep and inward with Rori’s material. And it is VERY deep and inward. I feel it’s easy and difficult at the same time.

  230.  #230Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    “And the ankle bones connected to the foot bone.”

    LOL Goodheart. Thanks for the explanation. *Sigh* Wonder if I’ll ever get it. I feel impatient like I’m not as ahead as I want to be.

    Funny though, six years ago I felt no power with men. Absolutely no attractiveness. Now I attract their attention without even trying, but I still feel behind! I can’t remember what thoughts I was thinking, it was mostly to get command of my own destiny and avoid an arranged marriage situation. Boy thinking about that now…it’s empowering to think that that does NOT have a hold on me at all anymore. I don’t even know why I allowed it to rule over me so much back then!

  231.  #231Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    “I just want a man who’s as weird as me.”

    Yeah, see, that’s the case with TN man. We’re the same kind of weird, and we connect emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, etc.

    It’s not just his looks.

    I just feel afraid that MY looks won’t be good enough for HIM because he is so good-looking and “wanted.” And I know that if I lose more weight I will be more physically attractive.

    What am I missing here?

    I feel like a brat, listening to everyone’s help but saying, “Yeah but…..no it’s not that….” etc. 🙁

  232.  #232Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Siena, when it comes to divorcees, in addition to looking for closure for them, I also pay close attention to their attitudes towards their ex. If I hear something like, “Oh, I hate that bitch!”, I will fade out of his life real fast.

    I am looking for a man with a beautiful heart, first and foremost! He just disqualified himself. If I hear something like, “I miss my exwife, and there will always be a place in my heart for her. But now I am really focused on my future, and I am ready to move on,” I feel good about that. Of course, I won’t take his words at face value. Instead, I’ll put the words on the back burner and STUDY his emotions as he speaks to see if his unspoken attitudes align with his words. I don’t mind him caring for his ex, as I see that as unconditional love. I don’t think REAL love is something you can just turn off and on. When I see him making ME the priority and talking more about ME than his ex, that’s one good indicator that he is over her.

  233.  #233Daria on May 7, 2010 at 1:42 pm


    he’s back. Texts:

    I will show u. But prove to be a person I can call my woman. I aint sharing you. I don’t give a fuck.

    ok… I feel good and bad. I feel like… I don’t have to prove anything YOU prove something. I’ve proven that i stand by my word. And i feel worried of creating a drama by nitpicking… and i feel worried about THINKING that haha…

    anyway, I can just not answer…

    the truth is i feel triggered.

    i feel frustrated and annoyed!

    I want a man that sees me for who i am.!!

    meanwhile Dman is iming me:

    sup loser
    (he means this as a half-joke)

    – last time he imed me i wasnt here and i had missed a call from him and he’s like… “im not gonna call you no more because i remember you saying youre not gonna answer my calls”

    I didnt answer that.

    I’ve been pulling back cuz i shared how i dont want to talk to a man who doesnt want me 100%

    his answe was: huh

    with no follow up.

    So now he imed: sup loser

    then later

    u hella bootsy (this means sucky) but i still love you for taking me to the hospital but i aint fuckin with you no more u a cat

    i tokk him to the hospital once when he was hurt in the middle of the nite


    i feel kina indifferent, kinda good, kinda amused, kinda bad

    about security i feel:

    great to be wanted and not wanting to share me, pist that im not being seen for who i am and asked to prove myself

    chu no? it mite just feel good to not answer that text

    after all

    all this texting is in text world

  234.  #234Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    AJacks, start with, “I want to get it.”

    And you will. It will come to you at a pace you can handle. Just focus on what you want. Always on what you want. Look at every experience as a way to find out what you want. You went out with a guy & he smelled bad. Don’t focus on the smelling bad. Simply say, “I want a man that smells nice.” That’s it. Really.

  235.  #235Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Hey Lucy,

    I want to echo what goodheart said that looks is the last thing you should worry about. If looks were everything then all those beautiful women in Hollywood would have been able to keep their guys.

    I used to think it was only about looks too. In the Indian culture a girl who is tall, fair skinned and all of that bs is considered marriageable. I have an in between skin tone, but I stand just a bit above five feet and since my teenage years I had to always hear, “this one is going to have trouble attracting a husband.” Lo and bhold when it was time to start the “search” I kept getting rejected because of my height. My father came from the old school of thinking that if you are liked by any guy, you should settle because if you have standards for them, they’ll have standards for you. That used to make me so mad. I didn’t give in, those who did like me I could not stand and just kept allowing the search to happen, but I dug my heels in and wouldn’t give up.

    Here as I hit 30 I noticed interest from men, ME who never thought I oculd be of ANY kind of interest for ANY man. That helped me to see my own beauty and was able to, “work it” as they say it. My attraction could not have been about looks alone. I always hid my physical in long coats and sweaters and always looked down on the floor. It had to be something else. You have so much to offer, and how you feel is how you feel but looks truly can only get you so far. Imagine eating your favorite candy night and day without ANY variation. As much as you like the taste, you’d get sick of it after awhile. I feel looks are the same way. Gotta have more.

  236.  #236Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    Goodheart, RE: #150 – Wow! That is some rich stuff! gonna meditate on those words!!! Thanks!

  237.  #237Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    I guess I feel a little side-tracked now.

    Reading my original post today….it was about realizing that if TN man was ready to meet me, *I* would not feel ready to meet HIM.

    And wondering what that means.

    And what to do about it.

    How can I feel ready to meet him?

    Just by changing my thoughts?

    Or by changing the things that I don’t feel ready about?

    Siena, when you realized that it was YOU who was not ready, what did you do about it?

  238.  #238Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Hey Goodheart, thanks again! 🙂 I’ll try not to focus on the smelling bad part…:(

    Hehe, I went from Apple Jacks the fruit to AJacks the detergent! :0

  239.  #239Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    Right, looks aren’t everything, Apple Jacks, but they are SOMEthing. I have never seen a hot-looking guy walking hand-in-hand along the beach with a 500-pound woman (no, I don’t weigh anywhere near that much, but I’m trying to make a point).

  240.  #240Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Apple Jacks, Girl you just keep workin it like a summer job! You got it going on! You have a beautiful heart! Those men didn’t deserve you who were concerned about height! How shallow!

    I hope you don’t look down at the floor anymore! I am so happy you found Rori Raye’s programs and this site! Hey, I hear the Kama Sutra came from India, is that right? And belly dancing! Work it! 🙂

  241.  #241Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    I feel frustrated and misunderstood.

    I never said or implied that looks are everything.

    I know they are not even the most important thing.

  242.  #242Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Goodheart (and all of my sisters here) can you help me with something? There was a guy at work that I was crushing on for like a year and a half. Not the married one…he intercepted me so to speak. There was another guy who I really liked and my intuition told me that he probably had a crush on me too. He was not my type AT ALL. But nothing ever materialized because I was too shy and he was too professional and shy himself to make the first move…plus my being extremely shy I’m sure did not help him. I always feel regretful about us not getting more of a chance to I guess talk. Now I’m not working there anymore, but I still would love to be able to “bump” into him so to speak. How would I attract that?

    Gosh, I feel self-centered and embarrassed constantly spamming and asking questions.

  243.  #243Daria on May 7, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    At the reggae club there is a tall slim and handsome man who ALWAYS brings and dances with his what I guess over 300 pound girlfriend. Not only this but they are different skin colors. I’m sure people judge them.

    They go dancing almost EVERY nite, always dance together and make out PASSIONATELY, the way they dance he is ALWAYS so much into her.

    it kinda almost feels confusing. because they are ALWAYS out.

    She always holds her head hi, i imagine that even tho she might feel a lil uncomfortable from being stared at, she feels confident with her man’s love.

  244.  #244Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Lucy, I don’t misunderstand you. Looks are something. You are right, I was just responding to when you said you were feeling like you couldn’t keep this guy because you felt you weren’t good looking enough. I’m pretty sure you’re everthing both inside AND outside and he better see that or else I’ll come after him with my sharp high heel. 😉

  245.  #245Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Aww Brenda, you make me feel good. Thank you. Yes the Kama Sutra does come from India lol.

  246.  #246Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Ajax (LOL! :-)), like Siena told me, spam away! That’s what we’re here for!

    Do you have his contact info still? Phone number? Email? If I were in your situation and I still had the email, I would simply send him a funny email with a quick, “Hey! How’s it going?” That may be a little forward-leaning, but the way I see it, you had the vested interest of being at the same job before. Now you don’t. At least, that’s just me.

  247.  #247Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    But, turn it around, suppose you like a guy, Jim-Boy, who is completely the man of your dreams in every way.

    And, because you are circular dating, you are also dating and liking another guy, John-Bob, and it turns out that he is completely the man of your dreams in every way too.

    And although you are physically attracted to both of them, Jim-Boy has a bit of a belly and a big bald spot, but John-Bob has exactly the body that you would choose if you could customize your guy.

    So, because all other things are EQUAL, you choose John-Bob.

  248.  #248Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    I’m still all kinds of twitterpated about how Bill was touching me with his knee! I mean, I feel all kinds of wet! **Blushing!!* I can’t concentrate, even tho I stayed late at work to make up hours!

  249.  #249Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    Naw I don’t have any of his information. His name is Ryan btw. Funny how that worked. At work, all the guys I had a relationship with, their names started with an R. Including girly boy and married man. I wonder what the heck is with R.

  250.  #250Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Aw, thanks, Apple Jacks! (“I’m pretty sure you’re everthing both inside AND outside and he better see that or else I’ll come after him with my sharp high heel.”)

    And, Daria — really??? WOW! I feel encouraged!

  251.  #251Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    I totally feel what you’re saying my sweet Lucy. Thing is, I fell mad hard for two guys in my recent past who did not fit my type at all physically. One did mentally, the other was not physically OR mentally so after that happened, I quit having a type altogether lol. But it did help me to bring out the best in me physically speaking to.

    I feel that I can be pretty shallow, I LOVE beauty and I go through great lengths to make sure I am nothing short of “perfect” physically. Meaning I work on myself physically to the point of obssession so I do feel what you’re saying and the point your making to the very core of my being. I just want you to know that.

  252.  #252tinque on May 7, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    Lucy -it doesn’t work like that. Even if two people “on paper” add up to your dream man, this still doesn’t factor in the intangible, the something special you feel for what might very well be the paunchy, bald one.

  253.  #253Daria on May 7, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Lucy yes!

    And the thing is, I always feel a lil ‘catch’ of attraction when I fist notice that guy, and I look in his eye, and he is not checking me out!

    And im like wat the hell!

    And then i notice her, and I’m like Oh it’s HIM. That’s why! LOL.

    Most guys I can tell feel attracted to me even with their dates. He may be, but he’s definitely not interested.

  254.  #254Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Ajax, that’s funny his name is Ryan! Okay, how bout this…how bout going to visit your old company briefly, and just popping in and saying hi as you’re chatting with everyone?

  255.  #255Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Brenda, I can’t go in without a badge. Lol, thanks for trying though. I really don’t want to lean forward with him, however. It’s so stupid because whenever I tried to talk to him (he practically ran everything in that branch. Without him the branch would cease to exist. So he was the go to guy for practically everything) my voice would go up seven octaves higher and it made me sound like a child. I already looks young, it was so annoying! It didn’t help that he told my friend that he saw me as his little sister or niece…but I think he said that because I look very young. Not always a good thing.

  256.  #256Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    The man I was MOST attracted to EVER on earth was the pastor, and he was extremely overweight (ie, probably 400 lbs +) and balding! It never went anywhere, cuz he was married. But as far as the TYPE I want to marry, he was it. I would PREFER a muscular, well-shaped man with hair, and I even prefer LONG hair (Ryan had that! Ah!)….BUT I would RATHER marry a man with a beautiful heart. In my case, that means a Christ-like man with kindness, unconditional love, etc. So if my previous pastor were single and I could choose between him and Ryan, I’d choose the pastor.

    Looks fade; a beautiful heart brings more and more beauty, year after year, for the rest of your life.

  257.  #257Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Tinque — I wasn’t talking about “on paper.” When I wrote “the man of your dreams in every way” — I meant in EVERY way, which of course includes the intangibles.

  258.  #258tinque on May 7, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    I don’t know if that is possible Lucy. It seems to me someone is “the one”, or they’re not.
    This has been said already, but it’s worth repeating, if a man feels good around you and with you, feels safe with you, he doesn’t care a whit what you look like. Case in point Daria’s story.

  259.  #259Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Apple Jacks, I have to work on my voice, too. Mine tends to be too low and loud. It stems from my emotional damage from the past. I spoke loudly cuz I didn’t feel heard. Now it’s a habit that is so hard to break. I noticed when I feel accepted by the person I’m with, and I don’t feel like I’m about to be interrupted, my voice becomes soft and gentle. I try to stay in that mode.

    How would you feel about contacting one of your other friends there? You could go out for lunch with her, and then ask if you could go in with her to say hi to everyone?

  260.  #260Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    I am in contact with this particular friend he said this to. But I would never go back there to say hi to anyone. That place sucks. I would just like it if he could bump into me somehow. *Shruggs*

  261.  #261Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    “if a man feels good around you and with you”

    Yes, and part of what makes him feel good (or not feel good) is feeling good (or not feeling good) about your body.

  262.  #262Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    Siena, earlier you asked how do you get back to your thots and feelings. I do it by going back to Rori’s images in “Modern Siren”. I just loved it and even took notes when I heard her describe BEING the sea, being the air, being the rock, being the all sorts of images.

    When I first received that CD set, I was on vacation. I semi-sat in the ocean and FELT being water, flowing like water. Now each time I need to center, I go back to that moment in the ocean, and then sireny feelings flood back in!

    Another thing I do is keep a beautiful ocean scene on my computer desktop. When I need a moment break, I just go to my desk top. Organically, that is, without even thinking about it, I take a deep breath, and I’m at the ocean!

    I’ll be there for real, soon! I am so glad warm weather is back! I love the shore!

  263.  #263Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Gosh Brenda, your description makes me really wanna get Modern Siren. I LOVED the previews.

  264.  #264Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    Apple Jacks, well then I’ll pray for you that he’ll come back in a wow-fashion, like Siena’s church man and Goodheart’s cottage!

    Lucy, even tho I said what I did that I would choose the man who I wasn’t so attracted to physically, I agree that looks ARE important to a point. If you marry, it IS a physical relationship, as well as spirit, soul, heart, and mind. There are some types that are 20 miles from handsome and there’s just no trying. I know from the door I could never develop an attraction to them. I trust God that the right man will come into my life at the right time. God is a matchmaker!

  265.  #265Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Yes, Modern Siren is all that! I was totally astounded at Rori’s wisdom and sensitivity when I heard it! Then I was wowed out all over again with Commitment Blueprint! She has SO MANY visualisations that really take me there. The waterwheel, rowing the boat, the ball and chain, the first domino that falls, the bridge.

    I made up one for me…I’m the mermaid, cuz I likes to swim! And I’m gonna go see about getting a swimming membership this weekend!

  266.  #266Siena on May 7, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    “Siena, when you realized that it was YOU who was not ready, what did you do about it?”

    Well, I started with the obvious stuff. Got in really good shape, changed my attitude and hair color (I’m naturally a brunette), got my career in order… basically changed all the ‘outside’ things about me that I didn’t like. This helped my self esteem and helped me start to attract more men.

    And then I met some good men, but when it got down to the intimacy part, I still couldn’t do it. The final low low low point was when The Man left back in Jan.

    I found Siren Island, and started facing my fears. All the things that I’ve been shoving down for years. I started CDing and doing all the Rori tools, welcoming triggers because I finally realized that I needed them to heal.

    And now it’s about 5 months since I started that, and I feel really good. Now, when I ask myself, am I ready? I can confidently say “yes” with no “buts”. With 5 year man, there was always an undercurrent of fear and what if’s.

    So, I wasn’t ready for 5 year man when he was in my life. And at the time, my heart was really broken. It got really weak and I started to have heart arrhythmia whenever I got stressed out.

    But I’ve even healed that – the arrhythmia.

    And I see the wisdom in everything that I went through.

    …and if I had known then what I know now, I would have skipped all the ‘outside’ stuff and just focused on the inside stuff…

    although I DO like being a blonde… 😉

  267.  #267Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    Apple Jacks, I relate a lot to you. My upbringing was Christian, and it was taboo to even talk about sex. My Mom constantly made me feel ashamed of my body, and my Dad would blush if I tried to get fatherly advice from him! I realize now it was just their own hang-ups, and I’ve come full circle!

    I just kept putting myself out there, and talking with girl friends, and little by little, I got past all my past! I really enjoyed flirting with Bill, for example, by discussing the mating of his dog! I used to be a breeder, so I threw around a few funny things about a bitch in heat, etc. I have becum comfortable with flirting a little on the edge! In the past, I would have been looking down at the floor, too, hiding my face with my long hair.

  268.  #268tinque on May 7, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    If a man loves you, he will feel good about your body no matter the size, shape, and age of it.
    He’ll still feel good about your body, he’ll still be turned on by it even when you are 80 yrs. or more, and your body is saggy and wrinkly and your boobs have become empty sacs.
    IF he loves you and continues to be in love with you.

  269.  #269Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    Siena, that’s awesome! I admire you all the more after hearing your story! I would have never guessed!

  270.  #270Brenda on May 7, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    Mary, RE: #160 – Choices

    Hello, about Home in the Woods Man, if he pressures you to answer questions on the phone, you could say, “I prefer to talk in person”. If he pressures you to answer questions in person, you could say, “I feel pressured. I prefer to make myself known in my way, in my time.” or “Why do you ask?” If he doesn’t get it and still pressures, then HE’S being rude, not you, when you say, “I prefer not to discuss this right now.” or ” ” (silence) or change the subject and act like you didn’t hear him or “Whew, that’s a loaded question!” or “I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable discussing that at this stage.”

    If he pressures you to kiss and become a couple, you could perhaps switch seats as you say, “You know, I feel so happy that you contacted me again, and I’m really excited about this opportunity to get reacquainted. I feel a lot of changes have taken place in me since last (time you were together). I am at a place in my life where I would feel more comfortable just reconnecting on a friendship level. I would really like to spend time with you and just get to know each other more deeply as we relate heart-to-heart!”

    As for which direction to go, that’s the fun and beauty of circular dating! I bet Rori would tell you to let it be fun, not stressful! Best thing is to not rush into any one direction. Let it be organic…slow…natural. The right man will become clear over time. Best wishes!

  271.  #271Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Yes, Tinque, I know all that. I feel frustrated.

    Part of what makes a man FEEL that kind of love in the first place — the kind that makes him want to commit forever — is the physical.

    PART. Not nearly all, but part.

    So, I feel frustrated by the circular reasoning.

    It’s like saying “IF a man loves your body, then he loves your body.”

  272.  #272Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    “Well, I started with the obvious stuff. Got in really good shape, changed my attitude and hair color (I’m naturally a brunette), got my career in order… basically changed all the ‘outside’ things about me that I didn’t like. This helped my self esteem and helped me start to attract more men.”

    “and if I had known then what I know now, I would have skipped all the ‘outside’ stuff and just focused on the inside stuff… ”

    This feels very interesting to me, Siena. I wonder if you really would have completely foregone the outside stuff…?

    For me it is the opposite. I have done so much inner healing, but now it feels like there are some outer things that could be holding me back — like my weight and career, as you described in the first paragraph.

    It feels like my inside is ready, but my outside isn’t.

    Maybe that’s why the men who are showing up are not men who I find physically attractive. (Besides TN man, who is not really showing up.)

    I feel surprised and curious that you are naturally a brunette. I have lately been wondering about going blonde. A few years ago when I talked to my hairdresser about it, she said my hair is too dark, that it would be too damaging to my hair to go blonde. Huh? Does that make any sense? Maybe I should push it — I would love to experiment with being blonde!

  273.  #273Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    Apple Jacks, sorry for turning you into a detergent (you’re cleansing out your doubts 🙂 ) There’s a good example of how your thoughts attract things – your father saying that you were too short to attract a man planted that seed in your brain. Your subconcious was saying, “I’m too short.” And then you got men who thought you were too short. Is that making any sense?

  274.  #274Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Siena, I experiemented with dark hair. At first it was exhilarating & I got lots of male attention. Then I went red. Got attention too. Then back to blonde. Attention. I would always get attention at first & then things would settle down. Know why?

    Because it was never about my hair color. It was about how I felt about my hair color. The fun & newness came out of me & was broadcast to the world. And when that wore off I was just me again.

    It’s really just about feeling good, isn’t it? Live like your just colored your hair 🙂

  275.  #275Goodheart on May 7, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    If we change anything on the outside that’s cool. As long as it’s for us & not to impress anyone else.

    That would be futile. Can’t please everyone.

  276.  #276tinque on May 7, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    Lucy – I will try putting this another way. Yes men are attracted to the physical aspect, BUT the kind of man you want will never, and I can’t emphasize this enough, NEVER be attracted to the physical parts of you that YOU think he will. AND he will not be turned off by the parts YOU think he will. He just won’t.

  277.  #277mary on May 7, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    Hey Brenda,

    Those are all excellent things to think about! I’m actually headed over to his home in the woods to cook out and have a nice dinner. Looking forward to it!

    He called and didn’t ask a lot of questions. And you’re right, I can simply say any of the above… thanks for the list, I’m checking it twice.

    Thanks so much.

  278.  #278mary on May 7, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    ISLAND MAN has not even called. At the end of our telephone conversation on Tuesday night, which went really well – left me lovin’ him – he asked for a date. We agreed on Saturday and he said he’d call me.

    Now I’m going out!

    If he calls, he won’t get me…


  279.  #279mary on May 7, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    oh, i was so looking forward to seeing him!

  280.  #280Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 4:30 pm

    Oh, Mary. I feel sad about Island Man not calling. 🙁

  281.  #281Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    It’s okay, Tinque, I know you mean well. I hear your heart. It’s still circular reasoning, though, and therefore meaningless.

    I.e., “The kind of man you want will be the kind of man you want.”

    Thanks for trying to help, though. I appreciate it!


  282.  #282Hava on May 7, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    need help or a good advice.
    I’ve been dating this kind, generous, romantic man for 2 months now. I wasn’t that attracted to him (uneducated but has a good job, belly, no muscles, mid-section bold, but grew to like him. He opened his heart to me and shared his deepest kept secrets (and I reciprocated). Presented to me as a widower, he revealed that he had an affair when he was married (2nd marriage) out of which a child was born. His wife divorced him, but later on they moved back together (un-married) and he took care of her until she died. He kept in touch with the child who is now 20 who, he said, the most important person in his life (he has 3 grown kids from a first marriage). I actually appreciated his honesty, but he had more secrets to reveal. His house is not his, but on the name of his step-daughter (dead wife’s) who lives there with her son. That didn’t bother me too much. But then, he revealed that he hadn’t had sex in 10 years, has 0 testosterone, can’t get an erection, but is trying a patch that should take about 3 months to work (if it works). I said to him that I would wait. But yesterday he revealed another secret and this one is tough for me to deal with. He said he wasn’t 59 years old (as he told me when we met), but 70! (born in 1939). He said that nobody on the East -Coast knows that. He said he’s afraid he’ll lose me now, but it had to come out some day. I appreciate his honesty again, but, I am disappointed that he didn’t tell me that in the beginning. I always thought he looked older than 59, but I attributed it to him not exercising, not watching his diet, going all day without drinking water, and no sex. He doesn’t look very alive. And I am 56, trim, athletic, active, exercises etc, and viral. I had some bad relationships in the past with toxic, selfish, cold, drunk, or non-commital men, who put themselves first, so here comes grandpa, calls me “My queen”, spoils me, gives me massages, takes me to shows and eating in nice restaurants, constantly hugs, kisses, touches me, wants us to be exclusive etc. etc. Big dilema here. Does any of you girls out there have some words of wisdom I could use? Rori? What should I do with him?

  283.  #283Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    Hava — I would feel good circular dating in this situation, and paying attention to how I feel with other kinds of men.


  284.  #284Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    GHeart (Ha, now I’m doin it) you can call me TP and it’ll still sound good. 🙂

    I think I’m making a connection with what you’re saying. Just for the record, my pops never said I was too short. He was just frustrated I was rejecting marriage proposals lol. But so I should just start with “I want…?” Like, “I want Ryan to bump into me at the bookstore soon…” lol?

    Oh Brenda, thanks, I’ll write more in a few, gotta run!

  285.  #285Siena on May 7, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    Hava, I feel interested in your post. I agree with Lucy that CDing is the way to go.

    Dating is about discovering skeletons in closets (among other things), so it’s understandable that you’re finding things out about him that you didn’t expect.

    The LYING part in the beginning feels concerning, but many people lie because they don’t think they’re good enough. Heck, I do it too! Although I’m working on getting better at never lying, it’s something I do because I want to project a certain image of myself in certain situations. It’s a self esteem thing for me, and has nothing to do with having a lying/cheating heart.

    And he’s coming out with the truth eventually, which is very good. AND it sounds like he treats you the way you want to be treated!

    Knowing that you might not be able to trust everything he says the first time he says it, but that it’s likely that he’ll come out with the truth eventually… do you still want him?

    …and also know that if you let your heart lead, once you get to know him better, you’ll most likely be able to know when he tells a lie. My sister can spot a lie from me from a million miles away, and she’ll totally call me on it, and I’ll laugh sheepishly and then tell the truth. I don’t lie because I’m evil. I lie when I’m insecure.

    I dunno – maybe that helps?

  286.  #286kismet on May 7, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    To Daria:

    “I love myself even if i think other people dont like me

    even if my voices say ive peed on a post. i love my pee!!! actually i do!!”

    Lol I love this. Just the other day I thought and was amused by the fact that I’ve marked my boyfriends bed with my hair, my body, my bodily liquids, my clothes and undies. The next day we were on his bed and he found my hair. He said, “I love it when I find your hair. It’s so sexy.” I said, “yea, I’ve marked your bed with myself” etc. He found it so sexy.

    It’s so strange when my thoughts suddenly become reality the next day because this has happened so many times. I guess the universe gives you what you want, think and believe in =”)

  287.  #287Daria on May 7, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    Apple Jacks – I THINK MODERN SIREN would be WONDERFUL FOR YOU!!!


  288.  #288Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    Thank you so much Daria. That is next to get on my list. How do I say that? Universe (I say God lol)….I WANT the Modern Siren program.

    I’m learning a lot from you guys just by reading. I wished I could remember to answer each and every tidbit.

  289.  #289Hava on May 8, 2010 at 7:29 am

    Lucy and Siena, thank you so much for responding.
    You are beautiful young women and I hope you find your mates. It’s so hard in my age. Just going out there to meet men. (I don’t like to go to bars; they feel like meat markets…)
    I decided to give him one more month. If he’s still ED, I’m sorry, but I can’t live with that.
    BTW, I had purchased “Have the Relationship You Want” the E-book a while ago, but when I opened it, the print was unintelligebile. I played around and it got totally lost. I didn’t have the time at the time to follow through with Rori on it and I lost the code. Rori, if you could find my purchase and resend it I’ll be greatful. I wanted that to be the 1st read before I get Modern Siren.
    Smiles to ya all girls

  290.  #290Daria on May 8, 2010 at 10:02 am

    Hava –

    I feel amused because although I’m not sure of Lucy and Siena’s ages, I’m pretty sure that at least one of them is around your age.

    and sad reading “it’s hard at my age” because thinking that way will make it come true.

  291.  #291Daria on May 8, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    oops i just read my own post… whoa!

    the truth is i was feeling judgemental and now im feeling judgemental of myself!

  292.  #292Siena on May 8, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    I’m 15 😉

  293.  #293Apple Jacks on May 8, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    Siena you’re so cute, lol. I think we’re all 15 at heart. 🙂 I never understood it before, but Debbie Gibson was right. Youth truly has NOTHING to do with age. It’s an energy. YAY!

  294.  #294Daria on May 8, 2010 at 9:57 pm

    I date younger men! I primarily date younger men!

    I feel ashamed!

    I feel guilty to feel ashamed.

    The first time I dated a younger man I was 19 and i felt humiliated to find out my boyfriend had lied adn was 15.

    And i’ve been dating prefferentially younger men since.

    And i recently saw him and he asked me what are you always gonna be dating young dudes and stuff and be like a cougar. And i felt wierd but i defensively said um yah for sure

    then i smoked with him

    and then i started having these thoughts of feeling very old and not only old but unattractive… i felt disgusitng, my skin felt dry i felt weird… i wasnt sure if the thoughts were from him or me, and of course smoking had really brought these werid thoughts to my attention

    and i felt ICKY


    and then he even said he’d call me and hasn’t

    and he typically will sometimes

    but if elt so gross i didnt want to be around him anymore and i feel ashamaed like maybe he was looking at me that way

    i have never felt so unattractive and disgusting


    what was that

    i love myself

    i love all my feelings

    i lvoe my humiliation and judgement of myself for dating younger men

    i feel sad and i love my sad feeling

    i love my heartache feeling

    i feel heartachy

    i love my heartache feeling

    i feel so sadddddd

    i feel like crying!

    i felt betrayed and humiliated back then when i found out he had lied to me aobut ath

    and then

    i decided not to see him anymore but then i CHANGED MY MIND AND HTEN

    he wanted to date my girl instead cuz he thought they’d be a better match a

    and i felt bad like maybe im too cold and mean for him

    and i love my feelings and guilt

    and they freakin hooked up in my hosue and i let them until i kicked them out

    i feel sad

    i love my sad feelingggggggs

    i feel icky around him now

    i dont feel very attracted to him

    just a possibility, but not relaly enuf, i feel judgemental of him and like he’s not enough for me

    hes not “tough and cool” enough for me

    i feel sad
    i love my sad feelinggggggs

  295.  #295Apple Jacks on May 8, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    Daria, I love how you express your feelings. I want it to catch on sooner rather than later for me as well as I sometimes can’t feel mine too clearly yet.

  296.  #296Saskia on May 9, 2010 at 1:51 am


    I am so glad to hear what you are saying,

    Here’s my “story”. My boyfriend of over 4 years has left me three weeks ago (not wanting the responsibility of a relationship anymore, wanting to be free etc..) I ALWAYS “knew” that he would. But I also see him coming back, really coming after me. And then I “see” him on his deathbed, we are in a house, it seems to be our house, everthing is quite peaceful, and he is apologising to me, saying that he has always loved me more than he was able to show and that he was sorry for having given me such a hard time.

    I say to myself I am deluding myself, and that I must let go and move on. But I also have to say that I never had this feeling with any of my other boyfriends who have left me (and they all have, I am never the one leaving) I was equally devastated, but I never thought with any of them they would come back.

    Also, about 15 years ago, I met a man who I fell in love with at first sight. He asked me out for lunch, we had a lovely time, at the end of it he asked if he could see me again. Of course I agreed, but then I never heard from him again and I didn’t have his contact details, so could not get in touch with him. I was totally baffled. But at the same time I had this vision that one day I would see him again, our paths would cross. It was a very precise image. I was wallking in the park and he was cycling across. And that’s EXACTLY what happened a year later, one morning as I was on my way to work. We both stopped dead in our tracks and I was totally stunned. We talked, it transpired he had gone to the Middle East for work. Anyway, we started seeing each other again, we did have a little fling, but never had a real relationship. It took me about three years to fall out of love with him and it was hard. He is still in my life now, just as a friend and that’s totally fine. As much as I wanted to be with him, I never actually saw that happening.

    As to my current “ex” there are also a number of other little things that have happend. At the beginning of our relationship I went to a wedding on my own (we had only just started seeing each other, so it was not appropriate for me to take him). When it came to the bride throwing the bouquet I did not want to take part, as for the first time in my life I really wanted to catch that bouquet. And I had been to many weddings before, with or without boyfriend and I was never bothered in the slightest. I only “lined up” because a friend virtually dragged me there. And then I was unable to actually lift my arms to try and catch the thing. Well, I didn’t need to. It flew straight at me, hit me like a bomb right at my heart. I could not believe it.

    Another time, also early on in the relationship we had gone on holiday, he was diving in the sea and I was sunbathing. He came back out and handed me a little stone, “brought” you something. It was a heartshaped stone. He hadn’t realised that, but to me it was so symbolic.

    So after what you say, I am definitely holding on to the vision of my boyfriend coming back. As difficult as he is, I do love him and the thought of us not sharing our lives just feels wrong.

  297.  #297Goodheart on May 10, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Saskia, you have had some amazing experiences & you sound delightful! I just want to point out that I feel we should not “hold onto” anything. We should let things come to us naturally. It’s the difference between rowing & rowing upstream (all we get is exhausted) & letting go of the oars & floating downstream (we feel relief). Nothing we want is upstream. Love should not be difficult. The partner who is a true match for us will come & the blissful, wonderful thing about it is that all we have to do is let go of the oars.

    Whenever something feels like work it’s not in harmony with you.

  298.  #298Jilly on May 11, 2010 at 4:12 am

    Goodheart I love what you just said! I feel so much better about life in general when I let go of the oars.
    So yesterday I was on the phone with one of the guys I’m CDing and I actually refer to him as “feelings” to one of my friends that knows about him because he seems to be so aware and intouch with his feelings and women’s feelings….anyway we were talking and he said,”I know you want to be with someone, have someone in your life but you have to let down some of your walls…you’re all closed off” I just sat there…I thought with all my feeling messages I was opening up…talk about a message! So now I’m at a loss as to how to let down my walls when that’s what I thought I was doing all along…go figure…I’ve never had a guy say that to me before

  299.  #299Simply Shannon on May 11, 2010 at 8:00 am

    Jilly, Eww. I feel yucky when I read that he told you that you were closed off. It could be I’m reacting because Mr. Masculine Man used to say this to me. The reality was I just wasn’t doing what he wanted me to do. He called it “not letting go”. Ick, ick, ick.

    Maybe you could choose to NOT believe this man’s words. Maybe HE is the one who is closed off and he’s projecting that on to you. Or maybe it really is a message. I don’t know. What do you think?

  300.  #300Julia on May 11, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Dear Rori. I have written you many times,,,
    In fact, yesterday, after finding and visiting your blog on porn,, I wrote a long letter. Opening for the first time that festering and horrid wound… the letter didn’t get sent ,, like all of them.
    I like so many of us, have a BIG problem recieving. It is so insidious that I have prevented myself from many many opportunities. I’ve hurt myself terribly ,, have damaged good men and left wreakage in every loving relationship I’ve been in.
    The worst part of all of this is the fact that I have been recieving your e-letters for a couple of years now. (I love them and pass them on to all the ladies and at times gents that are open to it. – I have a big mouth when it comes to a good thing!)
    It is the worst part because I could have put a stop to all of this misery years ago,,with you.
    Last year, in a terrible fit of depression, I finally pushed myself to get the ebook Havetherelationshipyouwant.
    Honest to goodness,, I knew you had tricks and tools but I was completely astounded at the ease and speed of change… Only a few chapters into it and a few daydreams later, I found myself in a whole new relationship with my guy!
    As usual, unconciously, I denied myself the pleasure to finish the ebook and promptly lost the way to get it back on the computer…
    Of course it all went down hill again and has slowly been sinking into the mud ever since.
    I know that you have answers. I know you have solutions. I know I desperately need them (so does my man) In fact, because of your e-letters and programs, I realized just how severe the internal struggle is and how wired I am to deny myself the help, love and support that is so clearly missing in my life. I have been a master sabotager and heartbreaker,,my own mostly. I have hurt and damaged men who really loved me and I am doing just that right now to the man who is ‘TheMan’ Rori, you offer every tool and trick that I need to get out of this lifelong pattern of self sacrifice and neglect . Yesterday when I read the blog page on porn,, I sat red eyed and snotty nosed and wrote you a long and detailed letter that ended up disappearing of the screen,, I was finally reaching out and it was kyboshed again,, just like so many times before. So I deliberately write to you today. I must take the step towards loving myself. Giving myself your programs will be the single biggest act of self love ever for me. And,, I will be saving the heart and mind of a true gentleman by giving him the life and love he deserves. So thank you thank you thank you for all the suffering and hard work you have gone thru to become who and what you are today. One person does make a difference. I make a difference. I want to make a difference and you have exactly what I need to do that. I really do want to live! I want to live large! and I want love ! and I want it large! I can say that now because I can have that now -because of you. God abundantly bless you and all the women who have helped and contributed to your mission ,,and of course, bless the men who love us. Love Julia

  301.  #301EarthDancer on May 11, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    Jilly – I fee SO relieved you shared this story – whew! I was feeling too embarrassed to admit I’ve had TWO guys say this to me, and I’m using feeling sentences all the time and leaning so FAR BACK I’m almost lying down LOL …

    AND I keep hearing guys say that “you’re just not that into me” … I thought this was practice for it to be the other way around? Wow, I’m feeling confused and awkward…


  302.  #302Jilly on May 11, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Simply Shannon…I feel so glad that you said something because all day I’ve been kind of feeling “off” and when I start to think of “feelings man” I feel turned off..like ick! exactly. We have a plan to meet tomorrow (we haven’t met in person yet…so I know I do have walls up because of that alone!) And then he texted me earlier today to tell me he feels scared and excited to meet me. It sounds so feminine to me…he even said “feels” I want to be the one with more feelings…I already feel like I would become the boy energy just to compensate!!! He even tells me of everyone he talks to about me…I think that’s a RED flag since we haven’t even met… You can talk to someone over email and on the phone and then meet them in person and have absolutely NO chemistry…I know this 😉 The more I write the ickier I feel!!!

    Keep us all posted with your journey Julia! 😉

  303.  #303Jilly on May 11, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    Earthdancer….LMAO!! “I’m using feeling sentences all the time and leaning so FAR BACK I’m almost laying down” Crack me up!! I know, right?? That’s how I feel too…I think my situation with “feelings man” might be a little different since I haven’t even met him yet! …are your guys more boy energy or girl energy who are saying it to you? I wonder if there is a correlation? 😉 I feel confused too..

  304.  #304EarthDancer on May 11, 2010 at 6:51 pm


    *Sigh* I’m not sure what to feel anymore! Rori says we attract men that have a message for us, or a mirror 🙁 but all I’m feeling is: YUCK! I want a man who wants to take care of me and row the boat! 🙂

    but YES! I’d have to say I’m meeting girl energy men – who use “feeling” sentences all the time LOL I’ve only met this one CD guy ONCE and OMG! he’s emailing me that he’s told everyone about me and wants to spend the weekend together … ICK!!!!!

  305.  #305Alicia on May 11, 2010 at 10:02 pm

    Ummm Jilly..

    I feel like that guy is just manipulating your feelings.. ?? (haha maybe?) Maybe you are just not that into him. Or need a real masuline man to make you feel girly and safe to the bring the walls down.

    It sounds from reading a few lines like a buddy/counselor vibe.. But I just felt that in a couple of sentences…

    I’m the total same way, by the way. I look real girly and always thought I was girly but, totally overfunctioned and could not recieve. I was always healing/helping my girlfriends and boyfriends.. I was raised by my dad. I always felt like I had to be doing and was punished for feeling..

    So. I noticed I liked the bad boys who cause intense feelings or had buddies.. and when I started to heal I started attracting feminine energy guys when I dated.. which to me meant the “mirror” is he has the girl energy and I have the boy energy as a whole “balance”. But, the more I healed it totally repulsed me. So I had to go full out girl… and it”s working. I just got done dating a round of nice guys.. kinda boring.. but, helped me totally with receiving.. Now I want a MAN MAN… But, I know I still need a few more nice’ys.. And I am in the weird space of no communication with my last guy that made me feel and I overfunctioned with.. But, I think it’s a good thing..

    Good luck! Sounds like you’re walls are coming down to me..

  306.  #306Alicia on May 11, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    Daria.. lol

    Date who you want.. and feel great! I typically date guys a few years younger like 3 or 4 years.. Just depends on the dude and how he makes me feel. I have enjoyed older too. There is no rule in chemistry it is or isn’t there.. age is a total conspiracy anyways.. haha. When guys ask me.. I say do you want my birth age? my body age? or the age I look like? The age I look and my body age are much younger then my birth year.. So “”age is a conspiracy”” because it”s totally deceiving.. haha..

    And that is just how I feel about it. Hedi Klum is 37 she looks 29.. Marissa Miller was on the cover of Sports Illustrated at 32.. I just feel triggered when guys act like there is a double standard.. And thankyou Madonna for rebounding with a 21 year old.. Madonna and Jesus.. xo haha. (smooch) I never put that together before. So holy sounding! But she totally trumped Demi Moore on that one. Power 2ya

  307.  #307Alicia on May 11, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    Daria.. lol

    Date who you want.. and feel great! I typically date guys a few years younger like 3 or 4 years.. Just depends on the dude and how he makes me feel. I have enjoyed older too. There is no rule in chemistry it is or isn’t there.. age is a total conspiracy anyways.. haha. When guys ask me.. I say do you want my birth age? my body age? or the age I look like? The age I look and my body age are much younger then my birth year.. So “”age is a conspiracy”” because it”s totally deceiving.. haha..

    And that is just how I feel about it. Hedi Klum is 37 she looks 29.. Marissa Miller was on the cover of Sports Illustrated at 32.. I just feel triggered when guys act like there is a double standard.. And thankyou Madonna for rebounding with a 21 year old.. Madonna and Jesuss.. xo haha. (smooch) I never put that together before. So holy sounding! But she totally trumped Demi Moore on that one. Power 2ya

  308.  #308Lucy on May 12, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    Alicia — That’s my motto too … “Date who you want.. and feel great!”