Why Ignoring Your Man Can Open Him Up

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intimacyMy husband once seemed like a mystery I couldn’t solve, like a puzzle with missing pieces, and with a brick wall where his heart should be. He seemed impossible to get to know – and more important – impossible for me to show my real, true self to.

A minute ago, he walked by me with an air that reeked of “cold” to me. My first instinct is to anger – “How dare you!” I want to scream. “If you want to talk to me, come to me – don’t make me follow you around!” And then I got it…

What I “got” was that my husband going “cold” is either:

  1. He’s angry and upset with me, and doesn’t know how to say it; or,
  2. He’s angry and upset with something that has NOTHING to do with me.

So – the “old” me would jump right in imagining that this is all about ME.

I’d go over everything that happened with us in the last 24 hours, and try to fix it by thinking up something nice to do for him – like suggesting something fun to do, or initiating affection or sex, or just plain chatting to “lighten” the mood.

I’d go into “Overfunctioning” mode, which would just push him away more.

Or – I’d get angry right back. “What right does he have to get all ‘moody’ with me?” I’d ask myself.

Sound familiar? I’d jump right into “defensive thinking.”

Now (and I’ve been able to do this since I turned my marriage around nearly 15 years ago), I just go do something for myself that feels GREAT.

I breathe, I use my Tools to regain my sense of Power and get back into my body, my heart and my life.

Usually, within an hour, my husband chases ME down and starts a conversation.

Do these 5 things when you find yourself in this same situation:

  1. Catch yourself wherever you are, whatever you’re thinking or feeling that’s a reaction to what your man is doing – for example: either feeling angry, defensive, frightened that he’s losing interest, or starting to “Overfunction” (offering him something like food, or a massage, or asking him how he’s feeling, or picking up after him…)
  2. Stop. Just absolutely STOP.
  3. Breathe
  4. Stand totally still and Find Your Feelings – for now just see if you can find a feeling or a sensation in your body. It will help you feel more grounded, and stop you from following your normal pattern of reacting to him in ways that don’t work.
  5. Turn around. Find something to do for YOU.

If you’re feeling uncomfortable and strange when you do this – GREAT!

It means you’re on your way to shifting your relationship. Let me know how it feels for you to “ignore” your man, and I’d love to know what he does, so be sure to comment here.

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  1.  #1Heather on July 1, 2008 at 11:15 am

    Sounds very familiar. Over the years I’ve sort of developed my own tactics for getting him to open up. I’ve learned that if I approach him immediately (while his face is still all pinched up like he’s just smelled a dirty diaper), he’s too upset to talk about it. If I wait till his expression has a chance to soften, and then I ask him in the most non-threatening, non-needy way possible if everything is alright, I tend to get a better reaction.

    I don’t say “Are you mad at me?” b/c that’s just going to make me sound like his mother who is constantly asking both of us that same question & it drives us up the wall. I just ask “Is everything OK babe? You seemed a bit tense earlier & I wanted to know if there was something on your mind.”… sometimes it works, and he talks. Other times he’ll stick to his “I’m fine” routine. Which we all know “I’m fine” means I’m NOT fine b/c it’s the same thing we say to them when we are NOT fine.

    Don’t you wish we could all just be completely honest & say what we mean, when we mean it, without having to worry about hurting someone’s feelings??

  2.  #2Lori on July 21, 2008 at 3:28 pm

    I am glad that is working for you sometimes. I wanted to point out another way of thinking about this topic for those who don’t have the same success.

    I don’t even ask “are you OK babe?” since reading Rori’s tools. In fact, I try not to even think it. When I start focusing on his thoughts and emotions, I just stop. It’s not my job to check on his feelings or thoughts anymore! Boy does that feel like a relief. I am the feminine partner … it’s my job to feel. I know when I go down that road it feels like I’m being caring, but to him it looks like I’m trying to control where I shouldn’t or that I’m being needy. So no matter how it feels, it’s not going to get me what I want. And that’s bad for both of us. So I just STOP.

    The tools allow me to SHOW him how I feel without speaking. So I’m not worrying about hurting anyone’s feelings with my words. I think we CAN and MUST be completely honest, and we don’t have to worry about hurt feelings if we are with a good man. If I am concerned about it – or if I am holding back, I can always say “I’m feeling afraid to share something with you because I think it will be hard for you to hear right now, and I don’t want my words to hurt you. What do you think?”

    Maybe he doesn’t want to hear it. Maybe he will assuage my concerns and I will feel confident enough to reveal it. No matter the result, I’ve communicated a feeling and given him a chance to respond to it.

  3.  #3Carmela on September 15, 2008 at 9:10 am

    I have only been using the tools for a few weeks but I have learned alot so far. My soon-to-be ex-boyfriend ignores me alot and what I do when he does that is I look out the window and I get in Dance Position and I focus on myself and get into my feelings. Sometimes, I get my Rori notes out and review in areas I feel weak or work on areas I hadn’t worked on yet from the CDs. It always makes me feel better and even though we are in the proccess of breaking up he always comes back to talk to me later. I leave the bedroom and go to the dining room so I can read and write in my Rori notes book and he always comes out to talk to me for a few minutes. Sometimes, he just comes up behind me and kisses me on the cheek or gives me a touch or a squeeze. It is really funny in a way. I still feel a bit weird doing all this stuff, but I tell you, I see an improvement in how he treats me. I also practice all this on other men. I talk alot less too. Takes the pressure off of me. I really like that, it does make things easier on a lady.

  4.  #4alias girl on October 10, 2008 at 1:34 am

    the last man i dated LOVED it when i leaned back. LOVED it when i ignored him. in fact come to think of it all the guys ilve been with love it when i ignored them. except i feel insincere if they call me and i am available to not take the call. i Want to talk to them.also i am afraid they will do it back to me and set up a dynamic i donLt like. i like it that when i call the either take the call or get right back to me. but still these guys Loved it esp when they did something i didnLt like so i leaned way back just short of cutting them loose. however none of these guys turned into a real long standing commited real relationship so who knows. anyway guys seem to love to be ignored and all i want to do is love on them and be loved on back. like two women only i like men and am not a lesbian. whatLs the answer i donLt know but i am sure i will discover it. 🙂

  5.  #5Rori Raye on October 10, 2008 at 10:20 am

    Alias Girl – Try it this way: Instead of “Loving Him” when a man shows up after you’ve been Leaning Back – (no pretend or games, remember – perhaps you still have a very forward-leaning style of loving, so practice with that) – try OPENING UP. Just be warm, open, sensual, into yourself, smiling, experiencing, appreciative of what he does for you and the love he gives you.

    Believe it or not, it’s this accepting, receiving, appreciating, experiencing quality in a woman that feels like Love to a man. And if we can get used to it – it can feel like Loving to us, too. Because it is! Love, Rori

  6.  #6Linda on October 28, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    Oh Rori, you make so much sense and I am absolutely engulfed in all of your programs. I am trying to use your techniques to turn my relationship around, which hsas been nulled since mid July. I am trying not to overfunction, not to be in convincing mode, which is where the relationship broke down, After weeks and weeks of silence on my part and his, he started calling, writing and looking for excuses to get in touch, Ureka I thought! I began using feling messages each time we spoke, I turned him down when he wanted to go for a drink impromptu, the first time he’s asked me out in months. I told him how great it felt to know he wanted to see me. I had school work to do, though. But he has backed away again. I have not contacted him. I responded to an IM to saying that I felt really wonderful speaking with him when he contacted me that Sunday morning. There have been no further attempts since. Of course it’s just a few days, not much more than a week since he wanted to go out. It feels like an eternity, I thought I was so close to turning him around. Can these messages be scaring him off? Is it an indication he is not interested in communicating on a feeling, genuine level? Telling me he wants to keep it casual, friendly? Ordinarily I’d have dropped everything and run to see him. I am getting impatient. Any thoughts, inspiring advice or techniques? Linda

  7.  #7Patricia on November 2, 2008 at 9:26 pm

    Hey Linda,

    I’ve been in a Yo-Yo relationship too for two years. After reading Rori’s “Have The Relationship You Want”, I realize that we women really wear ourselves out being people pleasers.

    This past Friday was Halloween. I decided to drive by a few lounges that my man frequents. I spotted his SUV and decided to walk in and surprise him. This was the very first time that I ever went into a bar alone. Well…there he was sitting at the bar having a drink with a woman dressed in a witch costume. I was so shocked and embarrassed; I grabbed a stool directly in front of me. To late…he spotted me and called my name. I walked over to them, he smiled and introduced me to the woman and asked me to join them. I declined and immediately walked away. A few minutes later he sent me a text message (in which I did not read until I got home stating) “I am not on a date…please come over”.
    As I sat at the bar, four men came over to me and we all started talking. My man walked over to me insisting that she was a just a friend and to please come over and sit with them. I told him to leave me alone, as I no longer wanted to have anything to do with him. I kept insisting that he go back over to her. He would not leave my side. After fifteen minutes of him pleading with me, the witch walked out saying “Goodnight” to us and they exchanged a quick cheek kiss. We stayed a little longer, and then I told him that I wanted to go home. He walked me to my car and we had a conversation. He touched my hair, kissed my lips and said that I was ravishing and he wants to marry me. As he stepped out of my car, he turned around and said, “I love you”. He called me yesterday and we had small talk. This situation has given me so much “POWER”. I now realize that I was giving too much to a handsome man that I now consider a taker. Rori taught me that men want to do things for us. Ladies…let them!

    Thank you Rori,

  8.  #8Linda on November 3, 2008 at 6:49 pm

    Wow Patricia! what a great turn of events! I’m dyinmg to know what you will do next. I have just begun dating, and I am catching myself every time I refuse to receive, even when someone offers to help with the groceries.It is so liberating when I stop myself from overfunctioning. As a mom, that’s all I do. I see now that I was being a mom with my ex.And he is naturally very masculine but learned to take from me, and take me for granted. In fact, it actually made him angry and a bit mean.When I stopped giving, as I have only recently, I can tell he is confused. He has turned to me for advice and shopping tips, which I oblige, but I really don’t want to be friends. So I am friendly but don’t initiate anything or ask anything. I am leaning back with him and the other men I meet, consciously, as it’s still so hard and new for me. It’s amazing to see their faces when I talk in feeling messages! Any way, thanks for sharing your story with me. I think we are lucky to have found Rori, and each other, all of us on this blog. Linda

  9.  #9Patricia on November 4, 2008 at 9:08 am

    Hi Linda…It’s going to be a hard for us to change, but it’s necessary for survival.
    I have not heard from him yet, but that’s not unusual. I have always been the one to take charge (I really don’t care if I ever speak to him again…it is what it is). By nature I’m too nice. I have always put people that I care about before me. Adults take kindness for weakness and only the strong survive! In fact, those are the kind of people that I attract. I would never have walked into a bar alone. If he was late, I would sit in my car while waiting for him to arrive. I now have “Power”. I jumped into the pool and it made me stronger. I am no longer afraid to do anything. I don’t want to turn into a Barfly, but I decided to date myself. On occasion, I will dress up and walk into any bar that I choose. In fact, I’m going to pretend to be talking to someone on my cell as I walk in. This way no one knows what I’m up to.
    : )

  10.  #10Linda on November 4, 2008 at 10:46 am

    Dear Patricia, Being brave is empowering! We are all too nice, too accomodating. I am learning that you can be nice without being subserviant.At least I’m trying to. I just met a guy and I’m trying to use the tools. Takes alot of conscious effort! dating yourself is a great idea. I think we have to look at every situation we go into as a date yourself possibility. Always ready, always aware. I have taken myself to dinner or the movies in the past, but never looked at it as a possible opportunity. I was always so prousd I was on my own, but never made eye contact or anything with anyone I came across. In other words, you go girl!

  11.  #11Becca on November 5, 2008 at 8:23 pm

    Wow Patricia and Linda! I felt so inspired by your stories.
    I can’t seem to get my ex out of my head. He broke up with me almost 4 months ago now and we have been back in contact for almost 3 months. I know now that I was overfunctioning and leaning forward and this is why our relationship broke up and I feel like I want a second chance with him but am not sure I’ll get it. The last time I saw him was 2 and a half weeks ago and he has not contacted me since, which feels weird. I feel like he is ignoring me now. I went on holidays and got back yesterday. Last time I saw him he offered to give me a lift home from the airport, to which I told him I’d let him know and thanked him, then a couple of days before I left I called him to take him up on his offer – he didn’t answer, so I text messaged him and he didn’t reply and hasn’t contacted me. I feel confused and ignored, but feel that its not my place to contact him again. I feel like I don’t know what to do, my jaw feels tense and my throat feels tight. I feel sad and angry when I think that he may be ignoring me. I feel like I don’t know what to do. Should I just keep ignoring him?

  12.  #12Linda on November 5, 2008 at 8:39 pm

    Becca, I love that name! I would keep ignoring him. More than that, I would just try to get on with it. he’ll turn up eventually and you want to be busy, fulfilled and not chomping at the bit, as they say. Plus, you’ll want to be enjoyin your life! He’ll also begin to wonder why you haven’t called or texted hm as usual.
    Every time I wait for a call, or spend all my time trying to figure him out, it feels like an eternity. It’s wasted time you never get back.Like Rori says, though it’s so hard to do, you can’t control the outcome, and shouldn’t try to. It’s ipossible and it also seems to piss them off.
    You know, it’s much easier to talk to someone, try to give your ake on them. It’s much harder to do it yourself. that’s why i’m so happy to have this venue to discuss this stuff. It’s like we’re all really talking to ourselves. You’ll be fine. the more attention you pay yourself, the more fun you’ll have, the more fun you’ll be to be around, and bonus, the better you’ll look!

  13.  #13Becca on November 5, 2008 at 9:17 pm

    Thankyou Linda, I feel that you are right. I will NOT initiate contact with him again. It just feels really difficult and sad to me as I was with him for 2 and a half years… had our futures planned and all that. But you are right! I will make a future fo myself, by myself, and by loving myself and doing what I WANT. Thanks again for your encouragement and support! It feels good to know that you are out there 🙂

  14.  #14Becca on November 7, 2008 at 6:19 pm

    I feel so confused and sad and icky today! He still hasn’t contacted me so it has been almost 3 weeks since I last saw him. I feel scared that he won’t step up and contact me. I feel anger that he hasn’t contacted me. I feel ignored and rejected. I feel so confused! I still feel that he is the man that I want but he will not even contact me. It is so difficult not to contact him when I just want to ask him what is going on – but I am not going to! This blog gives me strength. Thank you Linda for listening! Rori, please help, am I doing the right thing? I have been trying to make my life all about me and what I feel and want, and have been reconnecting with old friends (some of whom just happen to be guys) and making new friends. I feel excited about going out with one the guys tonight, but also feel confused by this as I still feel love for my ex. Everytime I think of him I feel sad. I feel like he is slipping further from me. I feel tension in my jaw and an ache in my heart. I want to let go of him as I don’t want him to rule my life (esp when he is not in it!) – but I still love him and want to SHARE my life with him. I feel so confused that I still love him. I feel teary just writing this but it feels good to let it out. I love that I can feel my emotions and let them out – esp the icky ones.
    I have just received a job offer that would require me to move interstate (it doesn’t start until February). All my friends are really supportive of me and think I should go. The thing is, I feel that it would be a wonderful opportunity for my career, as my career is going nowhere where I am at the moment and it is only for a year then they will tranfer me to their site back home. But I feel so scared that if I do go I will never have another chance with the man I am still in love with. Arrgghhhhhhhh! I feel soooo confused! This feels so complicated and I don’t know what to do. I can’t help thinking that even if I do stay, this man may not come back. I don’t want to regret not taking this job because of that. Sometimes I feel would it be so bad if I did go, I know there ARE other men out there. I want someone who will step up and adore me and cherish me. And I want to do whats best for me.

  15.  #15Linda on November 7, 2008 at 7:28 pm

    Hey Becca; I think we all have to be careful we are not dwelling in the shadow of an imaginary relationship. You can feel love for your ex, but be careful that love doesn’t override the love you feel for yourself. They seem to hate it when they are so sure of us. Anyway, today I am in the muck and mire of my own soup. I’m hoping this is part of the process. Gotta get rid of that nasty voice. It’s really tough some days, I know. If you don’t take the job opportunity in the hopes you can be around for your guy, you’ll be sorry. He’ll find you, no matter where you go. And he’ll be proud of you, when you are proud of yourself, thinking of yourself. We can’t live for them, it’s unhealthy for us and scary for them.

  16.  #16Becca on November 8, 2008 at 12:24 am

    Thank you again Linda, so much. I feel better after writing my thoughts on here and hearing yours. It puts everything into perspective. I know you are right. It feels right to do whats best for me (taking the job) rather than wallowing in hope that may be false. I hope your situation turns out well too. I understand what you mean about the nasty voice in my head telling me of my fears and magnifying them so that it overrides what I know feels true and right. Its all about having fun and enjoying now, and taking care of myself. Take care, I am looking forward to hearing how you are going too. This blog empowers me 🙂

  17.  #17Linda on November 8, 2008 at 5:14 am

    “Courage, strength, and hope possess my soul. Not yet have I attained the height of my ambition; that once achieved, I will stand firmly and without fear. “Goethe

  18.  #18Rori Raye on November 8, 2008 at 10:18 am

    Linda – You are so right – Thank you for all your great support, lovely thoughts, and ideas.

    Try not “getting rid” of the Nasty Voice – for you never will completely – in my programs I give you different techniques for setting the Voice aside, for acknowledging the Voice, and yet TAKING CHARGE of yourself – pretty much OVERRIDING the Voice.

    The more you write out what you like, what your strengths are, how you feel, the more strongly you’ll identify with your TRUE SELF, instead of with the Voice. You’ll get a “New Normal.” Love, Rori

  19.  #19Samantha on November 28, 2008 at 10:03 pm

    Hi everyone, I felt that after reading Rori’s ideas I could share my expereince with you all and see what help or advice I could get. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year, we are living together (I realize it may have been fast) and it seems like after every fight we have had it pushed him away a little more each time- which I cannot blame him for because after reading Rori’s ideas it only makes sence that I pushed him away by all of that! But now that I have these ideas to work with I feel as though we have a chance- at the moment we are recovering from a previous fight – but it hasent yet resolved itself- I dont know what to say to him- I dont know what to do, I have basically been doing “nothing” and leaning back – but he shows no sign of caring, at all. He hardly initiates conversation with me, he hardly says hello or goodbye to me, he never asks me how my day as been, or work etc, he has just stopped “doing” anything at all. I am getting so frustrated with all this- and I wish I could say something to him to make everything better, or at least get us out of this no-talking phase, No interacting, no loving, no nothing – Tonight he invited a guy friend of his over tonight, so I feel so left out right now. I understand that hes allowed to have friends, but in a situation like this it only makes things worse when you know they are enjoying theirselves without you!! Its upsetting because my boyfriend and I have had the most wonderful relationship up until he moved back home and in with me (before we had a LD relationship) Which now seems a lot easier!!! I wish I had my old boyfriend back, to love me and treat me how he used to…..Help Please…

  20.  #20Samantha on November 28, 2008 at 10:25 pm

    OMG! So just a minute ago his friend and him came back home from getting some food- I have been on the computer and my boyfriend came in to see what I was doing I just told him I was playing a game (which I was) and told him a little about it, he said cool and was walking out of the room, I said “Hey Kelvin, come here for a sec” and hes like “What?..” (with an attitude, like he really didnt want to come) and I said Nevermind. So him and his friend hung around for like 5 minutes and then I heard the Tv shut off and them begin to get their boots and coats on and I asked “where are you going?” and my bf said “Out” and I asked “where?” and he said “To get milk” But like I just dont understand this feeling of distance and what not, I hate it!!! I cant even talk to him or ask him anything without a fight or feeling of frustration meanwhile if I went somewhere and he asked and all I said was “out” he would say “Well clearly your going ‘out’ where are you going ??” And of course I’d answer him-
    I’m so sick of this waslking on egg shells to be around him, I am really no good at implementing the advice Roris giving me, I love it and think its great but its so hard applying it in a relationship where you feel so broken down about-
    I just feel he hates me, and doesnt want anything to do with me, and then of course in the middle of the night he expects “attention” and I feel like a doormate because I have gone through with it and the next day there is just a feeling of “nothing” that I get from him, like he cant even greet me in the mornings at all –
    I dontk now what I am doing wrong, I am so in tears writing this- I am so desperate and I’m trying not to cry incase he comes home …
    I feel like if I went away visiting my family for a while a few days or so he would resent me for going, and do something equally frustrating to get me back – I feel so stuck. I dont know how to be all about “me” I dont know what I should do-
    I go to work, I go to college, and I live here- Not much else- I dont know how to enjoy myself- by myself (I would rather do things with him) But he doesnt seem to want to anymore. I dont know whether or not to talk to him or ignor him or whatever- nothing seems to be working thus far

  21.  #21Rori Raye on December 1, 2008 at 3:43 pm

    Samantha, Welcome to this blog and community, and I know you will get help here in using the Tools – and which ones to start with. I know the ebook alone will clarify things for you, give you exact steps to do first.

    Everything you’re saying is screaming for me to answer that you’ve answered your own questions!

    You talk about not knowing how to be happy, not knowing how to be for yourself, and about being all bound up in HIM.

    This is where you start. Letting him go without asking him where he’s going or what he’s doing is a starting place. He’s supposed to come over to you, kiss you, and say goodbye and tell you where he’s going – all by himself. Without any prompting or questions – and as you feel stronger and get more comfortable with yourself and find ways to make yourself happy that have nothing to do with him, your VIBE will change, and he will either start doing that and step up, or you’ll be feeling so good, so many men will start approaching you – you’ll get absolutely BORED with him.

    This is a process. It’s all about self-esteem and the expression of that – the way self-esteem looks – even when you aren’t FEELING strong. You’ll get the hang of it. Just get the book or a program, and try all the Tools on this blog, and you’ll see, it will get better. Love, Rori

  22.  #22Samantha on December 2, 2008 at 8:04 pm

    Okay, I tried making it all about myself, I completely screw it up each time! He frustrates me so much sometimes that my “old ways” just come out and I react to it. These day couple of days I have been trying my best with Rori’s ideas, and then the one night he and I finally talked after days of barley aknowledging each other, and I kinda let him in on what I’m diong lately, with all this reading- and why I feel we have the problems we do. I wasent trying to make any promises to him , because im done doing that. I just explained that it was for the best for myself to try this. And he went into the other room, and normally I would have followed him in there and still went on about everything we were talking about- but this time I didnt I stayed at my computer thats in our office at our apartment.
    TONIGHT, I failed- I saw someone he was messaging from the night before and made the comment “You guys talk a lot” and of course he said no, and maybe they dont but w/e- and I just said to him that he wouldnt appreciate that either- having that sore feeling in your stomach- and so full of jealousy!! That my boyfriend talks to some other girl online- and not me!!! Makes ya mad!!! And then I feel like I want to go and talk to all these other guys just to make him mad and ignor him- but he says to me that he doesnt care as much anymore- Frig I guess I should have appreciated when he was jealous and mad at the guy friends I “used” to talk to- but dont anymore because it always caused such a problem…….
    Now I have no idea what to do- I have Rori’s E-book and same with Cristian Carter’s E-book – they are both wonderful books, and have really opened my eyes, but why am I not seeing any results? I need a little more direction I think …
    It seems that even when I talk to him now, I get so nervous about things that I just sound like an idiot, and the face he gives me when we try to talk is horrible, and I feel so down about myself- Its almost like I’ve forgotton how to talk to him… :S Weird as that sounds…Or maybe he just can’t tolerate me anymore – I dont know – I sound like I’m rambling on…
    I just want him to be so attracted to me again, where he wants to go out together, and cuddle with me on the couch, or hug and kiss me with the same meaning and feelings behind them… and do all the little things that he used to do for me… I just feel so lost right now I can barley hold in the tears…
    I hate that he is now talking to other girls (and I was always the confident person in the relationship- go figure) now im the person with the least confidence, and I look so completely insecure to him… We live together and Its hard to get away from him I wish I could go away for a weekend and make him miss me…but he doesnt anymore..
    Please Help…

  23.  #23L.L.Sweat on January 16, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    Oh my goodness this is brilllllllliant! I love this. I just printed it and I think I may tattoo it to my palm. This has been a huge area of overfunctioning for me. I couldn’t stand his coolness and would if not immediately, very soon cave and try to fix the problem. I could feel myself resent him every time I did it. Way to go, Rori. Another jewel of information. Thanks a million!

  24.  #24Tina on June 9, 2009 at 9:32 am

    Rori please advice me about overfunctioning.

    My boyfriend’s b’day is coming up. He hasnt committed to me yet even after 2 years because of his blah……blah reasons

    But, he is very loving to me.

    He likes something thats expensive n i said id gift it to him. He said, its too expensive for my budget and we could discuss about it later.

    But, i wanna buy a gift card for that expensive gift and give it to him the next time I meet him to surprise him.

    Because, I remember him mentioning to me that he likes surprises.

    Will this act of mine be Overfunctioning.

    Should I still give him that expensive gift?
    Will I come across as needy?

    Please let me know.

  25.  #25bella on August 13, 2009 at 9:39 pm

    wow..again, it’s amazing to see that i’m not the only woman who can’t stand that ‘coldness’ that can be felt sometimes…i always want to ask if he’s okay and if he’d like to talk or needs anything…because i’m a really caring person and that’s what naturally comes to mind: how can i be of help to this person? but it seems that the key is to empower myself by doing something i enjoy and letting him be until he comes to me and wants to talk or whatever. i am curious to see what will happen when i next get an opportunity to try this out in my own relationship. hopefully it will result in me feeling strong and independent, while still supportive, and him feeling good too.

  26.  #26schmoozy on January 2, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    heck..what ever happened with Samantha?…that was a year ago…! did you let him go Samantha?….He sounds like he just did NOT appreciate you at all Goddess! Hope you’re with someone amazing……

  27.  #27rebeka on January 28, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    i am here in the overfunctioning section of the website and curious, with valentines day coming up, about holidays or anniversaries and overfunctioning? i very much would like to plan something for valentines day and also for our anniversary (2 weeks later!) but he always forgets and that does not feel very good. so i am curious how to balance my love for all things holidays/special and my overfunctioning.

  28.  #28Daria on January 28, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Hi Rebeka, I saw you in the latest comments bar. It can be easy to miss your comment in this post. Try the newest posts and comment, or else the ask your questions here thread seems active.

    I would absolutely not plan. That IS overfunctioning. There is much more behind this than that short answer.

  29.  #29Rori Raye on January 28, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    Oooh – Valentine’s Day – what a great place for knock-out post about loving yourself. How about you schedule a spa day, or a shopping day or a dress up day for YOU, and invite him (if you live with him – otherwise don’t bother) if he’d like to come. Don’t expect anything – not even flowers, but if you put flowers in your hair and jewelry on your arms and a flirty skirt on and dance around the room with yourself – wouldn’t that be mesmerizing? Who wouldn’t be inspired to bring flowers to that? Love, Rori

  30.  #30Alisa on February 9, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    Hello all,

    Im just getting into using some of rori’s lessons. Recently I almost pushed my guy completely away because I was afraid of having a healthy relationship. I was so use to the bad. He started withdrawing and that scared me more. Because i do deserve a good man and a good relationship. Ive started leaning back because my overfunctioning pushed him further away and made things worse. It has been the hardest thing to do. Are there any suggestions to help me stay on this path? When the urge to call or text is so overwhelming? I know i can do it……i just dont want to go back to my old ways.

  31.  #31Lisa on October 13, 2010 at 4:06 am

    Ugh. I want so bad to lean forward, as he is not contacting me and he has not been in chat to see. He is online, just not in chat and I keep thinking it is about me is why he isn’t and then I feel hurt. I am afraid he has blocked me only in chat. These fears are things I have done to him so I think he will do the same. I feel hurt I don’t see him in chat when I know he is “there”.

    I may have overfunctioned last week. He chatted with me last week and on the first night, we didn’t chat but he came on and said he wanted to say hi before he signed off and in the past he didn’t do that, he would just go offline and then the next night we chatted briefly. I was online after he went off and I sent him a message offering to get info on places hereand said “if he wasn’t kidding me” for his band to play at. I also suggested a radio station here that maybe he could contact as he was supposed to be working on doing that the next day. Now I wonder if it bothered him I stayed online longer, or since they are an independent band, my radio suggestion made him feel inadequate, or he fears I am trying to get him to see me since he is in the state, but I am leaning back and letting him say let’s see each other so I don’t set myself up. That way if he doesn’t I know what I need to know. I feel his distancing is about me. Or that he met someone else, or wants to be with someone else. I feel afraid and want to lean forward and text him. I keep going online and checking his page for activity and feel hurt when he was on but not in chat and I was. I fear he has his band mate check to see if I am online because that guy was on a lot, as much as I was and I fear he was avoiding me. Ugh just looked, his band mate is now online but he is not. Then it makes me think he is with another woman is why he isn’t on. I hate this.

  32.  #32Lisa on October 13, 2010 at 4:09 am

    Then also my silly thinking made me think “my” guy was online using his band mate’s page and I feel weird. Probabaly not, but he isn’t on and it sucks.

  33.  #33Lisa on October 13, 2010 at 4:10 am

    Where is he? I am tired so I am more focused on that obsessively.

  34.  #34Debbie on October 22, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Wow! It felt so sad to read about Samantha’s situation but it hit so close to home. This is where my relationship is at the moment. I am doing my best to lean back and “ignore” my fiance. Last night, he stated that he had done something to hurt himself and I simply asked what happened and when he finished his story, I went back to my reading. I did not rush to him, I did not offer to get him something for it, I did not offer to make it all better. I simply turned away and went back to my reading. “Wow” that was so hard for me, being the giving person that I am, however, it felt so empowering and scary at the same time. Am I doing the right thing? Should I continue to “ignore” him? I feel so scared that he won’t notice or it won’t even matter to him. (He doesn’t have a problem being alone or spending time alone). I just want things to be the way they used to be and want him to want to spend time with me.

    Thank you, Rori, for your tools and to all of you ladies for your great stories. It feels so uplifting and empowering to have someone else to talk to about my situation.

  35.  #35sad on January 12, 2011 at 9:19 am

    ma bf gone overseas to visit his mom..bfor leavin he had promise me dat he ll make me cum visit his mom…evryday he keeps tellin me tmw ull cum..bt tmw neva cumz…we bn together 5yrs i jus dnt understand y he cnt introduce me to his family..they do knw i study wid him bt they dnt knw i live wid him or am his gf…i dunno wut to do…i ignored his msgs and calls for 2days nw..and i dunno if am doin the right thing i jus wnt him to let me cum to see his mom and introduce me..plz help

  36.  #36Annie on March 18, 2011 at 3:14 am

    It feels weird, strange for for me to do this.
    I feel weak as I want him to tell me what’s wrong so we can sort it out.
    I want to make him look at me shake him get him to talk.
    I would rather get it out in the open argue so we can me on.
    It feels horrible to be ignored like I am being punished for being bad.
    I hate it I don’t want to be ignored it triggers me big time.
    I feel disconnected when ignored by people who say they love me.
    I feel unloved not wanted not good enough.
    It makes me then feel like running away and cutting them off.
    It feels like I have been emotionally traumatised.
    It feels like abuse.
    Gosh that sounds so dramatic, but it is how I feel
    I feel over-sensitive.
    And then punished and unaccepted for who I am and my feelings.
    I feel to be accepted I have to toughen up and not care.
    So if I keep them at arms length keep myself to myself they can’t hurt me gain and I will be safe.

    And want to avoid this again so don’t ever want to allow people who do this any power to hurt me again.
    I feel sick writing this.
    I feel unable to form and do real loving relationships.

  37.  #37Kathy on May 10, 2011 at 7:33 am

    Hey rori.
    I’m trying to use this method in my dysfunctional relationship.
    I feel that Ive been giving him too much attention lately. And I always try to figure out what’s wrong with him when he starts to throw his fits, and becomes distant.
    It’s just very hard because I live with him. Were always together.
    How can I ignore him while he’s right next to me?

    He becomes very quiet and ignores me. Even when were right next to eachother. he won’t say anything to me.
    When I lean over to kiss or hug him he seems annoyed. And that really hurts me. Most if not all the time I blow up. I automatically think it’s my fault and I ask him if he’s mad at me.. Basically I do everything you said NOT to do. We get into a huge fight and we say really hurtful things.
    So how can I turn this around??
    I don’t want him to be annoyed by me.
    That drives me crazy.. I also.can’t stand his distance. And his attitude.
    What can I do to ignore him sO bad that he notices it right away..
    I need some willpower.., help 🙁

  38.  #38Ron on May 13, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    Take iy from a guy. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK IF THERE IS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO IN A SEDUCING MANNER AND HE WILL CAVE IN. ask him if he wants a little massage to help out. BINGO Prblem solved. Guys can not think straight when there balls are fukk or rather sexually frustrated, Trust Me Half the time thats why he is Mad to begin with.

  39.  #39nedman on May 13, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Get off this blog Ron;

    A. First of all mature guys are nothing like that. They are desperate and any lady that spends time with a guy that can only get his needs met by pouting is wasting her time.

    B. If that is all it takes to get you to do something, I have a nice bridge I would like to show you.

    C. This is for women interested in relationships, not a frustrated teenage horndog like you.

  40.  #40FLORA TURNAGE on June 15, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    i find this so true only difference is he’s mot my husband he’s my lover…i am just so weak when ot comes to him.,it makes more sense when you hear that someone is going through the same thing as yourself…i just took a chance and typed that in and to my surprise your site was here..thank you i will be back.i’m inthe process of changing things around in this situation..

  41.  #41complicated situation on June 15, 2011 at 9:34 pm


  42.  #42Deb on July 17, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Hi ladies,

    Has anyone ever tried dating someone who has social anxieties? I am wondering if all the same rules apply as a more “normal” situation with a man… in terms of overfunctioning vs. leaning back, etc. I feel hesitant to write out my whole story just yet in case no one knows what I am talking about.

    Thanks so much for your responses!

  43.  #43Bekke on December 19, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    I know this blog hasn’t had much activity on it lately but I think I may have gone too far with this guy I’ve been seeing. We have been dating for about 6 weeks and the first few were so amazing, it was serendipitous for both of us. We opened up and shared a lot about ourselves. We went away for the weekend, I met some of his friends, he told me I was the only one he was interested in, only one he’s sleeping with and he felt this was becoming more than something casual. I started to allow myself to feel safe with him. Then his company started to have serious problems, and he became really stressed out and distant. He admitted to me that when he gets this stressed he pushes people away because he can be an asshole. He even said “It’s a defense mechanism. I like you and maybe I don’t want you to see that side of me yet.” He wouldn’t feel up to seeing me as much as he did before, would cancel with me, but would pop in with me every few days still.

    Then he stopped contacting me completely for almost a week. He knew about an event I had and he was planning on going to but he didn’t and never said anything before the night of the event or a couple days after. No contact at all. Usually he would say “Hey sorry I can’t make it, I’m not in a good mood at all” or something like that. After two days after this night and still no word from him in 6 days total I decided I needed to stand my ground, because missing the event with no explanation felt disrespectful and I had been leaning back and playing cool for a couple weeks.

    I explained that this felt confusing, something wasn’t right and that this distant behavior was not something I was looking for in my life and I feel so sad that we didn’t work out. He responded back immediately saying that he thought I was a great girl and he enjoyed my company but when his life gets hectic he pushes people away but he hopes we still can be friends. I replied that I understand how hectic things are now for him and I can handle his need for space, but the pushing away I can’t take. I said I wasn’t sure if we could just be friends, I felt too strongly but I wanted to talk in person, not do all this talking via text. He simply replied “Not tonight.” Which felt very frustrating and further instilled my anger towards this kind of treatment.

    But did I go too far by saying this wasn’t going to work for me? I felt like a doormat when he flaked completely on my event and didn’t say anything. In the past I would settle for crumbs and let men string me along, and I’d stay around far longer than I needed to. By doing this I felt like I was getting the power back in my life, I was out having fun and focusing on me, but I’d still feel disappointed when I’d check my phone and there was nothing from him. The fact he didn’t put up a fight for me, makes me think I did do something wrong to make him less attracted to me in the first place or I didn’t make a space for him to feel comfortable to open up to me. We really had a spectacular connection, but if he wouldn’t meet me half way I don’t see why I should wait around for him. I feel a little remorseful, like I just gave up on him. Did I ruin this completely? Do you think if I lean back, some time apart where we both get our lives stable again, he may come around again? (If by then I’d still want him) Perhaps we both have issues that got in the way, I know I can only work on me. Any input?

  44.  #44Starla on December 19, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    bekke, come on over to the most recent topic, that’s where we all hang out:)

  45.  #45Jen on February 4, 2012 at 7:30 am

    I feel confused. I am struggling with Overfunctioning. I’ve read a few posts and they have been very helpful. I am just beginning and I am feeling hopeful.

    Has anyone else struggled with Overfunctioning?

  46.  #46Jennifer Woodham on February 13, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    Wow, I so desperately need this site. I feel like my husband hates me. He gets angry very easy, snaps at me, you know girls. I try so hard, always keeping everything clean, cooking, yard work, etc. when I see him with that cold look, of course I ask,”are you mad at me?, or whats your problem?” But, I have ignored him before, I have smerked when it worked. I notice a husband comes out, and the roomate disapears! But, I have’nt done it in a LONG time. I really felt like I was alone, like I was a bad wife, or he hated me. But, seems like it is just the way some men are. I am gonna stick to this site, learn, and hope for a lasting, loving marriage. Thank you everyone, your stories are helping me already.

  47.  #47Candice on February 27, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    My husband, whom I have been with for almost 5 years (2.5 of those years married), has decided that he needs to take a “break” from the marriage, and he has decided to get an apartment with a classmate of his. We have been having problems since the beginning of our marriage and agreed on going to counseling when we came back to the States (we were living in the Islands) We went to my religious leader for a few sessions, and things were better for a little while, but no real changes were made on his part. I started to realize that I was only in control of myself, and so I made it my mission to better myself, and to learn about what I was doing to make the realtionship like this. A few weeks ago, my husband finally admitted that he was no longer attracted to me, and that the love has gone down considerably. He says the “spark” is not there for him, and he’s not sure when it happened. We are both entering into our early 30’s and our sex life went down from a few times a week, to once a week, to twice a month, to once a month, and now it’s been 5-6 months since we have had sex. I’ll admit I have struggled with my self esteem due to this. Because of this circumstance tha I find myself in, I have been obssesed with finding information on Attraction, how to build attraction with men and keep it, and femininity. This is not the first realtionship that I have been in where the sex just went cold. I realize now that I am TOO NIce, and totally overfunctioning in this and past realtionships. Waves of saddness, and peace both wash over me as I watch my husband pack his things, however I must say that since he told me he was moving out, I’ve been ignoring him big time. he first day he told me he was thinking about leaving, I told him, that although I felt we haven’t tried everything we could to save our marriage, that this was ultamatley his decision, and the next day I took a weekend retreat to the beach with my mother and daughter. I did not call him, and he called me the whole weekend to see if I was having fun, and to let me know he was still thinking about our problems. He finally did make the decision to move out with his classmate (he went back to school and just graduated last week), but I’ve been just into me, I went to the spa to get a massage and a pedicure, I’ve been going to dinner with friends, coming in later that usual, stopped cookng him dinner,redecorated the house with new furniture, etc. So Saturday night he asked me if I was doing all this because of him or to spite him I told him no, and proceeded to go out to dinner with my friends, looking gorgeous of course…LOL, well the next day, he approaches me and says “Oh so you spent the nigh out drinking, huh?” I said no, and the whole day he was totally sweet to me calling me baby and then he tells me that he really doesn’t want to leave and this is sooo hard for him, but he doesn’t know what to do about our problems (he needs to change), he’s still moving out however, and I still want my marriage to work. I love my husband and am commited to the marriage, but I know I can’t control the out come. I need to learn how to communicate with him, as my husband is definatley masculine, alpha male energy, and I need to learn that it’s ok to be vulnerable. Something I have trained myself not to be, I have tained myself not to feel, so I can get through tough situations. Any ideas on how I should approach the situation once he has moved out (all his things will be out by the end of this week) should I take his calls etc. I actually need to do a one-on- one with Rori 🙂

  48.  #48prissy monkey on March 3, 2012 at 10:14 am

    I feel so relieved to come across this blog, this is the kind of support group i need right now. I usually confide to close friends & to my mom if I have relational problems, but I’m afraid I’m wearing them down with my drama, so it’s so timely that I saw this blog.
    I am in a relationship right now with a MD & in spite off his busy schedule we managed to find time for each other. We started dating in June 2011, I patiently worked around his schedule. He didn’t text or call much but we spend the weekends together. There are times when I felt so lonely & wished that he would check in with me more but he is so busy with work. If not for my great friends I would have been so depressed. Last December, my family spent the holidays in LA & when I told him that my parents are excited to meet him, he didn’t seem to be ready for it. I felt bad but I didn’t make a big fuss out of it. And then, we had a misunderstanding a few days before he left the country to spend Christmas with his family, he left without saying goodbye & I didn’t bother to reach out to him because I was so hurt. I didn’t hear from him for 6 weeks
    until one day I got a text message & from then on we started seeing each other again. Everything was going well until 2 weeks ago, he started complaining about his work load and during our dates he was always itching to go home cause he wants to work. He used to spend the night at my place but now he drives back home to catch up on WORK! Recently, whenever I text him to ask about our next date
    he ignores me. I already told him how i feel every time he ignores me but he still does it. I feel so insecure & confused. Everybody is telling me he might be so pressured with work right now but I can’t help but think that he met someone new. For now, I just decided to leave him alone & let him reach out to me.

  49.  #49maano on March 13, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    hi!!! im not sure wat im going through n i kinda want u to figure it out for me….i am so confused these days…. i and my guy we r in d same class n starting our first job frm next july in the same city n are confident abt life…. he was the one who proposed to me 2 yrs ago and i had no doubt abt his love towards me….. it was all gr8 for a long time n i really fell for him….. n i love him a lot now…. but before we spent a gr8 deal of time hanging wid me but now he has a new group of frnds who kinda keep me away frm him….. now that he goes to gym every afternoon he is too tired to spend time with me in the eve and at night…… i tried hard to keep myself busy but lately he has stopped calling or texting me and doesnot give a damn if im upset with him…. when i ask him why he was not around when i was sad he tells me he dint want anything to do with the whining girl….. maybe being in my early twenties i still have some romantic illusions about life and because i expect something nice and at times end with none i get upset but rest of the time he is good and likes me….. but he only wants to see me cheerful and if i get even a little upset n behave demanding or expect he gets pissed off….. is what he is doing natural for guys…… and the only time he mentioned breaking up with me was a month back when he felt that he is not able to keep me happy coz i demand a lot and he is not able to fulfill it…… i feel im wrong at times and sometimes feel he is insensitive i wonder wat is right and wat is wrong….. but other times he is good he talks abt marriage and kids and calls me his “wifey”….. but could be insensitive at times and i have this urge for constantly being assured that he still is in love with me…..

  50.  #50Asia on March 28, 2012 at 7:30 am

    I need support.

    I recently stopped overfunctioning. Like I hit the stop button on my DVD remote. Everything I was doing (the calling/texting/emailing, the planning, the thinking, the checking his finances, the planning out the day for both of us (I need to go into more detail about that)), and honestly I am part scared, and part relieved.

    I thought back to when the relationship was wonderful, how HE was, and then, how I was. I didnt function at all back then. I didnt do ANYTHING. I was just “being”.

    So I thought to go back to that. Its only been a couple of days but its nerve wracking.

    My only real question here is: Yesterday HE texted me saying he will stop by tomorrow (which is now today) with the loaner car he is driving (its a luxury car and its brand new and he knows how much I love cars), however, he never specified a time. I am assuming its when I get out of work but that could range anywhere. Do I text him saying “Just wondering, what time will you be stopping by tonight so I can plan accordingly”. I really do need to plan my evening accordingly.

  51.  #51Rori Raye on March 28, 2012 at 8:53 am

    Asia – no – you DON’T have to plan your evening accordingly. Create what I call a “plan B” – which means – you make your plans if he doesn’t show up when you guess he might -and then if he doesn’t call or text you with info – you go do that. But he WILL call! he will let you know when he’s coming – so check your messages and email…and if he doesn’t call until you’re out – let him know when’s a good time for you..Love, Rori

  52.  #52Asia on March 29, 2012 at 6:09 am

    Rori – Thank you so much for your response 🙂

    However, I was unable to hold out from asking what time he will be arriving. One important thing I failed to mention is that he has ADHD. I’m dealing with two voices in my head, that nasty ugly one that tells me all these bad things about myself and then about him (You’re not good enough, hes probably seeing someone else), and then the ADHD voice (He is not ignoring you, he is just distracted, give him the benefit of doubt).

    I sent him a message just asking what time will he be stopping by. I immediately got a return message telling me he is at his cousins funeral (I totally forgot about that) and then he asked me what time works for me. I replied 630. He ended up stopping at his doctors office on the way to my place so he arrived at 7.

    We had a lovely time. He did fill me in on why I didnt hear from him Tuesday (he acknowledged it first) and it was because he was having problems with his son and then his ex-wife started yelling at him and it made him shut down. ADHD folks cant handle yelling. I did want sex and asked if we could go to his place but it was out of the way for him because he had to go the opposite way to pick up his son to help him with his project. The old me wouldnt have asked for sex as a sign of something being wrong, but then I would denying it to myself too and I didnt want to deny myself.

    I’m taking baby steps and seeing where it takes me. I did make a lot of improvements such as not doing the finances and the day planning anymore. I also stood up for myself when he was telling me about the details of his ex wife yelling at him. I told him it made me feel bad hearing it. Not sure if this was a good idea since he felt comfortable telling me the details but it started weighing heavy on me and I didnt want to be in a heavy mood.

    During the drive, we passed a hookah lounge that is opening soon. I mentioned how I wanted to go there and he said he has never been and I said “we should go one day” he said “okay! How about Friday?” I said “Sure”, he said “its a date!”. Later on he said “instead of the hookah lounge, lets go to the new casino opening in AC”. I said “sounds great!” He also wants me to come over tonight (tentative plans as his dad is coming home from vacation today), and he also mentioned “we really need to have lunch one day soon”.

    Now Im fighting the ugly voice in my head with “He is just throwing out the ideas, but that could be general conversation”, instead of appreciating him throwing out the ideas.

    Whoa! So sorry for the message being so long!

  53.  #53Natasha on March 31, 2012 at 9:16 am

    I would like to thank Rori and everyone on this site……. U don’t know how much ur storie helped me….Guyz u made me strong!!

  54.  #54korika on April 13, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    It’s a frind on Facebook: he said:”Why are you ignoring me? Are you angry at me? Imiss you” in one sentence Ireplied I’m not ignoring you,nor angry Imiss you too than all came out! Unbelievable!

  55.  #55Tkali on April 28, 2012 at 3:11 am

    Dis really worked for me,but my major problem now is dis~he called me,i dnt know wen it wil be right for me to start calling him too….please help

  56.  #56Akwoa on May 6, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    I’m in a situation where my boyfriend has become distant and rude and we live together. Couldn’t deal with him so asked why he was still with me and of course he instantly turned the table around and blamed me for all out issues! Please help…….I’m really tired of our petty quarrels that blow out of proportion. He went out last night and came back a 1am without contacting me the whole day. I called him about midnight to ask his whereabouts and he gave me a snappish answer. I got so upset with myself for even trying. This morning I’ve decided to try one of your tools and just go about my own business without over functioning. It’s so frustrating! I need help.

  57.  #57Rori Raye on May 7, 2012 at 11:25 am

    Akwoa – before you give up and start to close your heart to him…please get the ebook and start there. If you put the Feeling Messages, the 4 Rules, The Sensual Meditation, and Listening Tools into practice NOW – and NOT let yourself fall into arguing!!! – I KNOW you’ll see an almost immediate turnaround.

    I’m also guessing that he’s feeling guilty, and there may be another woman he’s attracted to…(not that he’s cheating or even doing anything about it…but that the attraction in your relationship has diminished and he’s pulling away) – just DO the Tools and see what happens! Fight for yourself and for your relationship instead of fighting with HIM! Take the attitude that he’s doing nothing wrong. See where that gets you….much farther than the blame you’re trying to place now. Love, Rori

  58.  #58Cindy on May 9, 2012 at 9:55 am

    I am trying this te,unique but it is so hard…my boyfriend and I are in a 2 hours away distance relationship. He is divorced and sees his kids every chance he can. He is an amazing father. He has told me many times….If I am pissed at you, you will know cause i wont talk to you. Well, the past few days he was ignoring my texts, or so I thought. My mind started to wander and I accused him of ignoring me. Come to find out he really was just busy at work. But I don’t understand how someone can’t take two seconds to respond to a text. I asked him if he was seeing someone else, because my ex cheated on me all the time and it is always the first thing I think. I have called and text and he will not respond.

  59.  #59Cindy on May 9, 2012 at 10:03 am

    I am trying this te,unique but it is so hard…my boyfriend and I are in a 2 hours away distance relationship. We have been dating for 3months. Usually talk, text everyday, and see each other usually twice a week. He is divorced and sees his kids every chance he can. He is an amazing father. He has told me many times….If I am pissed at you, you will know cause i wont talk to you. Well, the past few days he was ignoring my texts, or so I thought. My mind started to wander and I accused him of ignoring me. Come to find out he really was just busy at work. But I don’t understand how someone can’t take two seconds to respond to a text. I asked him if he was seeing someone else, because my ex cheated on me all the time and it is always the first thing I think. He was very upset, the most I have yet seen. He says that its just drama and he hates drama. We ended the conversation with him saying he would hit me up later.
    , and he promised we were ok….that was yesterday, I have yet to hear from him. I have called and text and he will not respond. I really care a lot about this man. He is a good man. My only gripe is that he doesn’t give me enough attention….ie. telling me he misses me, I’m beautiful, he can’t wait to see me…..he did all of this in.the.beginning. I need help Rori. Please, I wanna make this work. I always find a.way to mess things up.

  60.  #60Rori Raye on May 10, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Cindy – STOP CALLING! STOP TEXTING. Keeping a relationship going is the MAN’S job – because if he’s not doing it now, he never will, and you’ll ALWAYS feel like you’re chasing him. Love, Rori

  61.  #61wendy on May 13, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    i am pretty sure i am the gold medalist of overfunctioners. i did everything for my now exhusband including helping himthrough an addiction problem. 6 months after we split i met this amazing man that is 15 years younger than me. we talked about our deepest darkest thoughts and share a bond that is unbelieveable. we talked about beig soulmates , we shared dreams (i mean literally, like we would have each others dreams) we knew when the other was sick, or upset without even talking . complete strangerss would tell us we shared mutilple past lives together. what more could you ask for. ? right? also didnt hurt that he is absolutely gorgeous. we quit being intimate after only a month at his request. the connection is stil there but i got thrown into the “best friend ” zone . a zone where i seem to end up in all my life. i do his laundry, when he had no money or job i fed him, i cleaned his house, etc, etc, etc. for a year i was the “sugar momma” that wasnt getting any “Sugar”. he and my ex now live together. my ex and i are great friends still. guess what? i do both of their laundry now. i do errands, i hear about the girls in their lives, a another good friend was going through a divorce. i stayed up at all hours to be there for him, plus the ex, plus the best friend. i am mutlitasking overfunctioning and dont know how to stop. what sucks is i am in love with my best friend on top of it and he tells me he wants to find a woman just like me. Hello? like to hear the advice about my screwed up life.

  62.  #62Rori Raye on May 14, 2012 at 9:57 am

    wendy, welcome – and this: “i am mutlitasking overfunctioning and dont know how to stop” is a lie you’re telling yourself. Just STOP. Stop, and feel how awful and weird it feels. Find some wonderful things to do instead – for YOU – discover who you are when you’re facing your fear of what life would be like if you didn’t do stuff for others instead of for yourself. Love, Rori

  63.  #63Rori Raye on May 14, 2012 at 10:00 am

    wendy – more – and this is SO important. We overfunction because we WANT to. You’re going to have to stop, even though it feels wrong, and it’s not really what you want to do. If you need to for now, go volunteer – WITHOUT long-term commitment – at a shelter for women or children, or a soup kitchen, or a political campaign!. That will use your caretaking energy without wrecking your love life. Love, Rori

  64.  #64Mo on May 28, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    Husband walked out two months ago per “finances”. Whatever!
    I cried and mourned but last night I sent him an email that said I was all done. He called first thing this morning and talked to our son. Our son took the call and didn’t tell me until later that Dad called to talk to me! I did not call him back and it is now 6:10pm and I just checked my emails from today. There was one from dad @ 9:00am asking if he could come over and grill as it is Memorial day. I just hit the “delete” button. I know he will call tonight to talk to his son. I am going to silence the phone so that he gets to deal with what I have been dealing with his walking out. He thinks he can walk back in? NO way Jose!
    Women are strong and we don’t need some so called Husband just up and leave and then try to crawl back.
    Yes, I have cried. I have been insanly screaming with grief but the pain subsides day by day. I know it is scary to be alone especially if you are like me and older. But, Be you! If they walk out on you they are cowards and they will someday feel shitty about it. Walk tall and know that they WILL regret their actions.
    (Even if they don’t, it makes you feel better and stronger!)

  65.  #65cynthia on May 28, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    Dear Rori….I have been reading your advise on line now for sometime and feel I really need your help. I am 55 and have been seeing a widower who is 60 for almost 2 years. In the beginning he called me constantly and would not accept my excuses not to go out with him( still had my doubts if I liked him or not) but I wound up falling head over heels and being together felt like heaven on earth…we just click and have a wonderful time together…but then he backs off for weeks at a time I hear nothing from him until I text him. He’ll be very happy to hear from me and we’ll spend a wonderful weekend together where he will wine and dine me, but then he backs off again…..he’s been doin this for almost a year….with me calling him…but this time I contacted him hoping to spend Memorial Day Weekend weekend like we did last year, and he flat out turned me down and said he had been invited to a party…I felt slapped in the face and now very broken hearted…please tell me what 1 need to do to get him back chasing me…I feel like I’m losing him and everything is turned upside down 1:(

  66.  #66Rori Raye on May 28, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    cynthia – circular Dating is your Tool, and Targeting Mr. Right is your program – and STOP contacting him. Love, Rori

  67.  #67kaykay on May 31, 2012 at 6:32 am

    Hi there! I was dating this guy for just over a year and we had a fall out and i moved out. We very recently got back together but I wont move back in with him right now. I have a 4 year old little girl. Well before we decided to try it again (for the third time) he texted and called ALL the time, now that its official we are back together, theres days he talks all the time and wants to see me and theres days that I dont hear from him at all! What do I need to do?

  68.  #68Rori Raye on May 31, 2012 at 9:39 am

    kaykay – what was the fallout and why did you move out and won’t move back in? If this is your decision, because you don’t think he’s right for you – why do you want to do ANYTHING to get more attention from him? If this is about fighting, etc – it’s up to YOU to make the changes in communication that will fix this. If this is about bad habits of his that he refuses to change (drinking, cheating, abuse, etc…) then there’s no point in even keeping contact with him. Love, Rori

  69.  #69Ally on June 1, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    What is this ebook someone mentioned with tools?

  70.  #70Rachael on June 1, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    Everytime I try to brinf a concern up to my man he gets mad and turns it into an arguement and distrespects me. He has major anger issues because of past problems. He has a very short temper. I feel like im walking on egg shells everyday. * help*

  71.  #71Rori Raye on June 2, 2012 at 12:47 am

    Rachael – I don’t like anger myself – I’m conflict-avoidant if triggered, I’ve had to learn to love and facilitate anger and express it fully in ways that don’t result in arguing and fighting so I don’t stuff it down and my marriage doesn’t get stale with everyone being “polite.” If he’s not willing to get counseling or help – I wouldn’t even consider staying with a man who’s angry. Love, Rori

  72.  #72Laura on June 2, 2012 at 3:42 am

    hi Rori, i think i just got into an abusive relationship, but i don tknow if am out of it yet.

    it’s like this. i havent really dated anyone for more than 6months. I’m a virgin, and that’s one of the main issues, and i really want to be sure i give it to someone who loves me and deserves it, preferably after the wedding ring. some guys dont have tha patience so they walk away cos they are not ready.

    the good guys come in the wrong packages, which means am not attracted to them, or the bad guys come in very good packages. its really ironic.

    so far i have had 2great guys, packaging and content complete 🙂 but i lost one, my ex, he’s late. and after him, one more jerk until now. i met this really great guy. and i think i overfunctioned, cos i didnt want to loose him. it’s kind of psychological, since i just lost my sweet ex.

    we met in march and he gave me his card but i didnt call. then somehow fate brought us together in may. we started dating, and on week 2, we had a small problem.

    i was at his place and mistakenly, i called him his dog’s name, he warned me and i actually took note of that, then on the same night, i made the same mistake, i swear it was a slip of the tongue. he got mad and asked me to get in the car and called me so many names, and even called me stupid.

    way home, i cudnt stand it and i asked him to drop me off by the roadside so i can take a cab, which he gladly did that night, i was in the middle of nowhere, lost, i didnt know if it was over or if he was just mad.

    sorry to bore you with this story but he has been really nice to me, i told all ma friends he was the best. he didnt presure me for sex unlike some others, he was near perfect. so i felt guilty, i sent four apology texts and a long email.

    a male friend of mine asked me to call him back on monday since this happend on friday night, and see if he calls bak in 2weeks. trust me its a week now and i’m still panicking.

    just tell me what to do. pls.this is the first time i’m sharing my problem online. i have never been so humiliated and i feel it’s all my fault. just talk to me pls. i guess it got to his head that i loved him or something…i had to love him back, cos he seemed naturally nice to me, even his friends say so.

    thank u Rori, counting on u :*

  73.  #73Rori Raye on June 2, 2012 at 9:57 am

    laura – any man who’d yell at you and call you names for calling him his dog’s name – and even more ANY man who’d send you home in the middle of the night or drop you off on the road in the middle of nowhere is CRAZY. I’m talking NUTS. DEEPLY mentally ILL. Do NOT go anywhere near this man! Please get some professional help. I’m sorry- but I’m not sure how old you are or why the “sex” thing is so important. But I do know your sense of self is deeply stuck and not engaged – and definitely not awake and caring for you – and that your resulting sense of reality is off. Love, Rori

  74.  #74Rachael on June 2, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Thanks. I feel stuck sometimes. I really do care about him but I do neef to love myself first. I have a 7 yr old daughter and hate that she sees this arguing and disrespect. He says he doesnt need help thru counceling. That I need to accept him and his anger. I got alot to think about and learn. Im torn 🙁

  75.  #75Amber on June 11, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    I started ignoring my man and I see that it has helped our relationship, going on for acouple of months now and it is a lot better then it was….. it took a month of ignoring him off and on, for him to wake up and relize I was not going to gain anything with me playing the games he was playing with me…. he would ignore my text messages and calls or even when we were together at times….. so I started paying more attention to how he would talk to me and explain things to me, he had stated that No Matter what he does I know you will be there…..
    That is when it dawned on me, he is taking me for granted…… I made him start wondering what I was doing and not texting him back and seeing friends and not being his beckon call….. after all this for about a month I can say that our relationship is much healthier and he does not play the games and asked me how I’m doing, and has gone as far as “I Love You”….. he textes me good morning and yes I reversed it to him chasing me again….as though I don’t want him to know how much of me he really has. I don’t want him to know he is safe with me…. please let me know…


  76.  #76Nitu on June 14, 2012 at 10:05 am

    I recently purchase Rori’s ebooks and am trying some of the techniques. I feel like i am walking on egg shells when i talk to him. He gets mad and something i say leaves the house and goes and spends the night with his parents, atleast that is what he tells me. He would ignore my txt/calls all night and day. We would eventually make up the next day and it begins again. # days ago I found out that he has been txting another women in the middle of the night a lot and early mornings. It seems like he has emotional connection with her. When I confronted him he got mad and told me that he talks to her as she support him with his issues including when we fight. He refused to give anyother information about her. when I asked again, he got mad left and hasn’t come home for 3 days. I tried txting hin first day and he ignored. I bought ror’s book yesterday and have read 85 pages. I have began to use some techniques and have STOPPED waht i did in past. I have no contacted him in last two days and started to being to work on me. I am alone most of the time with no friends and it is hard but i am using it as an oppertunity to work on me. I am not sure what to do when he does decide to talk to me. Is it worth saving this relationship if already is emotionally connected to somone else? I am so confues. He has been sooo cold and has treated me like crap for last 6 months. I have been with him for 5 years. Please give me some advice

  77.  #77Rori Raye on June 15, 2012 at 10:11 am

    Nitu – Here’s what I noticed: “I am alone most of the time with no friends…” This is where you have all the control you want! Can you get out, be in public, meet men and women as friends? Once you get THAT happening, everything else will fall into place. This is HOW you focus on yourself and take care of yourself. A man who has not married you after 5 years, and is in close contact with another woman is NOT a good bet for a long-term relationship. AND – if you should change up your life for something more exciting, fun, satisfying, full of friends and laughter – anything becomes possible! Love, Rori

  78.  #78Sarah on June 20, 2012 at 8:54 pm

    I have never heard such a strong argument for justifying abuse as a functional response to abuse

  79.  #79Rori Raye on June 21, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    Sarah – This is such a powerful statement, I’ve written a whole post in answer to you….it basically is about the question: Is “ignoring” abuse (or coldness or moodiness) – and what that would mean…Love, Rori

  80.  #80Mary on June 23, 2012 at 11:22 am

    really enjoy reading the tips and advice, makes soo much sense.

    ok here’s my situ. i met this guy online… and we’ve been chatting for nearly 2 months now… but have not met for real. he seems very very nice and laid back…like me and i feel comfortable talking to him…

    twice he suggested meeting for a drink ( not like a date though).. but i declined… cuz i was not sure at the time and some time later i sort of initiated meeting for coffee. at first he said he’d loved to, but later he said he is attracted to me but hes purposely holding back cuz he was not looking for a relationship and that we should give it time…. so i said ok… and we still continued chatting online… and to this day still have not seen him…but we still chat..

    So i do like him a lot but my question is should i give it more time and see where it goes ? i do of course very much like to meet him in person.

    last few days hes been quiet, and when i asked why , he said hes upset about something and hell tell me later.

    would love to hear wat u think


  81.  #81Rori Raye on June 24, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Mary – it is never smart to “chat” with a man more than a few times without seeing him. It’s a total waste of your precious time. There is nothing going on here until you meet him. Love, Rori

  82.  #82prissy monkey on June 27, 2012 at 9:08 am

    There is definitely power in IGNORING. I was in an on & off relationship with my bf for a couple of years. I used to work hard (a.k.a. chasing him) to keep our relationship alive, until I eventually gave up & decided to end the cycle. I started to ignore him & it threw him
    off the loop. He was so shocked & he became so desperate for my time & attention. I feel so good about our role reversal. I never thought I would have the strength to ignore him, it was a a struggle at first but since his response was very encouraging I just kept on doing it. I like to keep him in his toes. I really like my self more now, gone are the days when I was overfunctioning. Although, we still have some issues, I can handle my emotions & thoughts better now. So to all the ladies who are stressing to keep their men, STOP! Give yourself a break & let the men do the chasing.

  83.  #83jdbanks on July 1, 2012 at 5:43 pm


    Here’s to hoping for your input on my current situation. I have been dating this guy for three months now and in the beginning it was truly hot and heavy in the expressing feelings dept. for both of us. He told me that he was falling for me, say I miss you a lot and so I thought it was ok to reciprocate. That was about six weeks ago and now things are going along ok for us but he no longer expresses those emotions anymore so therefore I have reacted the same way. He did tell me that he does not want to jump into a lifelong commitment and I completely understand that. But, I have noticed that if I pull back kinda playing the ignore game that he comes running and is curious why I am being standoffish with him. There is no way it’s ok for me to react the same way when he does that. I know that. I find myself having to play the game that we all know men play. He was married for 22 yrs and they separated 3 yrs ago with the divorce being final only six months ago. I am in love with him and this is very scary for me. I am unsure if I need to end this or see how it plays out. I am a single mother and I just don’t have the energy to play with men like this anymore. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

    Thanks so much

  84.  #84Rori Raye on July 2, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Jules! OMG – stay with this! Rubberbanding is natural for a man in this situation – and 3 months is such the beginning, and the most fragile time. Please, please, please do what you need to do for yourself so you can stay “cool.” He’s doing nothing wrong – but YOU have to Circular DATE!!!! It doesn’t mean you have to “date” – you may not have time for that – but get out in the world, flirt, talk…we’ll help you here….you just have to stay sane and cool. Love, Rori

  85.  #85Emma on July 12, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Dear Rori,

    What would be the best programme for me to purchase?

    I’ve been split from my ex for 6 months, we talk every day but it never goes anywhere. The other night he sent me a drunken text saying ‘i don’t want marriage or kids… sorry’ I ignored it, and the next day he apologised saying he couldn’t remember sending it. I texted back ‘it’s fine, just leave it’- not heard from him since. I know I am not supposed to chase him… but should I initiate contact this one time or just leave it?



  86.  #86coco kisses on July 12, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    Hello Sirens…it feels sooo good to read all the posts and Rori’s advice to you all. I’m in a positive place. My Brow Threading Salon will be opening next month, and I am woo focused on that and friends, and of course my daughter that I honestly don’t think about him much, except when he sends texts or tries to call me for retarded things….

  87.  #87kay on July 15, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    I am newly married and we share a one year old daughter, I am a stay at home mom but I bust my ass everyday all day until bedtime, clean, cook, laundry, painting outside of house, gardening, picking up after my husband, sexually pleasing my husband, caring for our daughter ect… Well that said my husband is an alcoholic, cant do the smallest task without having a beer, he has a poor attitude all the time, most times I just try to ignore him but lately ive been exploding with anger, I get no help with anything, he does whatever he wants, then we argue and I blow up and then of course I am the crazy one, help me use this method, something needs to be done because I am going to be here the rest of my life and all I do is cater to him.

  88.  #88kay on July 15, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    I am newly married and we share a one year old daughter, I am a stay at home mom but I bust my butt everyday all day until bedtime, clean, cook, laundry, painting outside of house, gardening, picking up after my husband, sexually pleasing my husband, caring for our daughter ect… Well that said my husband is an alcoholic, cant do the smallest task without having a beer, he has a poor attitude all the time, most times I just try to ignore him but lately ive been exploding with anger, I get no help with anything, he does whatever he wants, then we argue and I blow up and then of course I am the crazy one, help me use this method, something needs to be done because I am going to be here the rest of my life and all I do is cater to him.

  89.  #89Rori Raye on July 15, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    kay!!! Go right now, do not wait one more second, to Al-Anon, and go to meetings every single day until you get what will work best for you. What you’re doing is NOT working. Please, please stop working so hard around the house. Do the bare minimum you need to do, hire someone where you can, focus on your daughter – take her out and have FUN with her, get a playgroup together….The more you hate and resent him, the worse he’s going to get. You need to learn how to do the opposite – they’ll help you at Al-Anon. Love, Rori

  90.  #90Giovanna on July 18, 2012 at 7:33 am

    Im glad I found this i;ve been with my boyrfriend 4 yrs and all this all too familiar.. I get very over defensive and i jump to conclusions.. i read a lot that ignoring helps and ive started but always fall right back into the defensive, try to ask him whats wrong state, but i never have actually read it from someone that actually went through it.. This is exactly like my relationship and you just motivated me to keep following thru with it

  91.  #91diiva on July 21, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Okay this that i will say is a bit confusing. I am confused much.

    Its a long distance relat. and we’ve been talking about 11 months almost a yr now in aug. So the first time I pushed him away and he went on ignoring me but finally when he spk he sd he didnt want a relationship but i guess he forgave me and missed me so he came back.
    Now, i felt things changed cause he quit his job, has no money to come see me. so i offered to get him here to see me because money isnt everything and he’s always rejected me giving any. So we’ve met only 2ce. So in trying to see him again.. and i would be sending money to see him he gets mad over a haircut and has been cancelling on me alot. I trust him enough to know he’s not cheating. It could be the stress of not having a job and not eating cause he hasnt been due to this sturggling. So we got into an arguement cause of this “im not coming if I dont have a haircut” And i told him “Well, you THREW away the relationship.” I honestly meant to let him kno that he’s throwing it away cause of a haircut but he repeated that and sd “No more words, bye.” In trying to fix this.. I sent him 300.00 for food blah blah in getting here and he sd he wassnt coming and asked if i wanted him to send the money back but i asked him how he was gunna eat and he sd he didnt know. so i let him keep it. It’s been 3 weeks now and its been an off and on situation where he hardly says anything and yes i’ve blown up his phone with messages and calls. He wanted sex after a while but then i told him id be gone. He test me Tuesday “My phone has been dead for a few days.” Well I responded and he never sd anything so from alla dvice im getting im being told he’s playing games. I skipped a day w/o talking to him and sent him my final goodbye letter via email no response. Yet he is still my friend on skype and oovoo. Idk but its confusing and i wont be texting him anymore until he realizes that he needs to go back to treating me the way he use to cause now i jus think he’s taken advantage and me for granted. Any input?

  92.  #92Sarah on July 21, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    Rori, I just started Reconnect your Relationship. But Im hoping it’s not too late! The man I’ve been seeing for about 9 months has been going thru divorce for 18 months. Really the marriage has been over for 4 years. He was married 20 years (since age 20) and never got to date around. He was upfront from the beginning that he wasn’t ready for an exclusive relationship but said he wasn’t dating others when I asked. In the meantime I’ve found out about several women he’s been seeing longer than me. I know that was not acceptable and I expressed my feelings about that. However he had been faithful about calling me every night and seeing me several times per week. And we just really clicked and have so much in common, the connection is valuable to me. So despite his lack of total honesty in that area, my assessment is still that he is a good guy, caring and a quality person. He wants to date but not hurt anyone. Recently he has seemed interested in a newly single woman in our peer group, and has cooled off with me.. This woman is a party girl, loud, obnoxious, gossipy, very aggressive. But also very pretty and fun. Texts are infrequent, calls are shorter and less animated/ conversations less dynamic. And when he is with me that sparkle in his eye isnt there and he seems somewhere else. My response has been to kind of panic, occasionally check up on him, wait at his house, show up at his hangouts. But i havent called or texted a lot. However I previously leaned back and never initiated contact and rewarded him by being warm and fun when he did contact. Recently I initiated contact and told him I think we should be friends because I dont feel good about all these other women in the picture. And i told him I was sorry that I got wrapped up in things, that I understand he is confused and should take all the time he needs to decide what he wants. He is aware that I don’t sit around waiting, that I fo go on other dates, out with friends, and to work and church functions. It’s been a few days and Ive not heard from him. He seems in the past to have gotten upset when he knows I was out with other men but then says he has no right to feel that way and I should date. I told him I care the most about the friendship / connection we had and I didn’t want to leave him with a bad impression because I went overboard the last month by checking up on hhim. That is true but of course I want to salvage the chance to have more with him if it is a future possibility. Our connection was amazing and we really complement one another. What should I do/ feel/ expect from here? He always tracked me down before and made sure everything was okay. Is his ego hurt because I said I think we should just be friends? Is he upset because I’m drawing a line and he doesn’t know what he wants? Or is he just over me and just doesn’t know how to best move on? Thanks Rori

  93.  #93Rori Raye on July 21, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Sarah, welcome, and there is no answer at all. He’s simply not ready for a relationship. And all the dancing in the world you do around that fact will come to nothing. When he’s ready, he’ll know it, and he’ll know the woman he’s ready with – or he’ll never be ready. Right now – I’d stop talking to him about this at all and just Circular Date (him included if you want to – but it doesn’t sound like that works for you…) until you meet a man who STICKS to you like GLUE! Love, Rori

  94.  #94coco kisses on July 21, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    @ Diiva…this may not feel good to hear, but u are in an imaginary relationship, this man doesn’t want you. He already said it, but u didn’t want to believe him. When a man says he doesn’t want a relationship, it means he doesn’t want one with YOU. Ask yourself how do u FEEL around this man most of the time…if u can’t say wonderfully happy ….move on. This guy is using u, he figures you must not value yourself that much if you keep trying to be bothered with him. Your a diamond…its time to move on, if u don’t you are going to get burned and end up feeling really bad.

  95.  #95coco kisses on July 21, 2012 at 11:04 pm

    @Diiva…also sounds like this guy may have another woman or women in his life. He sounds toxic, and that feels horrible…circular date…love urself…as I always say …..next!!!!

  96.  #96kay on July 22, 2012 at 2:19 am

    Thank you, so much for the response, im going to look.for meetings in my area. Today waa my daughters first birthday, I did so much to make it perfect, he ended up taking shots, his mother told him to stop drinking, which I was.a little upset, we all know he has a problem but that was not the right moment, plus he already has deep issues with her, needless to say he got pissed, took.many shots, hid behind shed, crying but when I tryed talking to him, he would tell me to shut the f up, I then said fine stay back here. He then tackled me to the ground, I told him do u really want all of our family c u do this to me, he let go and I went back to party. His mother left, and he went upstairs to bed, he missed our daughters whole first birthday. As much.as I.am upset with him, I feel really bad for him too. He will never get today back. Thank you for the vent and advice, ill let you know how al anon works out for me. Thank you again.

  97.  #97Femininewoman on July 22, 2012 at 4:22 am

    Hi coco kissess. Most people are on the newest thread

  98.  #98diiva on July 22, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Well he broke up with me and sd:
    He wasn’t trying to hurt me by not talking to me but was frustrated with arguing but at the same time he doesn’t think rght now is the best time for us to be together. I told him ok
    We can still talk. I’m not saying I don’t wanna talk to you, which he sd nd I sd ok again. Nd that was it.

    Is it a good idea to stay friends with someone you slept with nd still deeply love?

  99.  #99diiva on July 22, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Well he broke up with me and sd:
    He wasn’t trying to hurt me by not talking to me but was frustrated with arguing but at the same time he doesn’t think rght now is the best time for us to be together. I told him ok
    We can still talk. I’m not saying I don’t wanna talk to you, which he sd nd I sd ok again. Nd that was it.

    Is it a good idea to stay friends with someone you slept with nd still love?

  100.  #100diiva on July 22, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    Well he broke up with me and sd:
    He wasn’t trying to hurt me by not talking to me but was frustrated with arguing but at the same time he doesn’t think rght now is the best time for us to be together. I told him ok
    We can still talk. I’m not saying I don’t wanna talk to you, which he sd nd I sd ok again. Nd that was it.
    Is it a good idea to stay friends with someone you slept with nd still love?

  101.  #101coco kisses on July 22, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    @ diiva….the very thought of you staying “friends” with a man who used you for sex and took money from you makes me feel disgusted. Ask yourself why would you want to stay in contact with a person who used you? If he would have slapped you in the face would you still want to be friends with him? Of course not….well he emotionally slapped you around….he is not friend worthy. You stay friends with a man who treated you with respect….not only that staying friends with him would only keep the door open for him to keep using you, and trust me if Mr Right comes along he is not going to want to deal with a woman who kept a user around for a “friend”. If he made a crappy boyfriend/lover, he will make a crappy friend….it feels bad to me. Focus on pouring love on yourself, so that you don’t feel will desperate to accept any ole man. What you felt for him was not love, it was lust, and a sexual connection…that is not love. Others may disagree but my advice to you is keep your legs closed until a man wins your heart and proves he deserves your body….lose this losers nmbr and contact info…he’s not worth anymore of your time.

  102.  #102coco kisses on July 22, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    @ Diiva….by telling him you guys can still talk, you are coming off as desperate. What he hears is this : I don’t card if you used me for sex, screwed with my heart for two years, I don’t love myself, and I am so needy and desperate for male attention, that I am willing to settle for just occasionally talking to you over the phone even though you crushed my heart, its ok though cause my heart can with stand a lot of crushing….don’t be “that” girl….move on

  103.  #103Nina on July 23, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    I have been in a steady relationship with my boyfriend of nearly 4 years and this year has been pretty rough. Recently I find we use point fingers at each other and I get mad of at seems everything and anything that comes out of his mouth or what he does. This year he has gone over to his dad’s for basketball games and now baseball games, I ask myself why can’t I have a night that is designated for me since every week-end he is not available??? I have been “ignoring” my boyfriend and It kills me to open up my laptop and see emails from him or look at my phone and theres a text, the strange thing is that it’s nothing important at all, just small talk. I’m fed up with it already, but not ready to end this relationship just like that….. Any advice? thoughts? Thanks…. Nina

  104.  #104Rori Raye on July 23, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    Nina, He’s not spending time with you because, as you say, you’re pointing fingers at each other and arguing and getting mad. Who wants to be around that? One of you has to get more mature and get better communication skills fast and start first to do better. That’s you. It’s always the girl who has to go first…so learn all you can here and in my ebook and get started healing this! Love, Rori

  105.  #105Ebony Slade on July 24, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    i am so pleased to find this site!! i too have this problem with my husband. just about 1 1/2 week ago he stayed mad at me for an entire week for calling him irresponsible with the bills. we keep getting eviction notices and then at the last minute he’s trying to borrow money from everyone so that we could keep our place and that’s his only responsibility. finally with the 5th eviction notice, i blew up and told him that he was irresponsible financially and he was so upset with me!!! i did all the following him around and trying to get him to talk to me, trying to be nice and it did nothing but made him pull away even more. now here is the twist; when i don’t do those things, he gets even more angry. now he’s angry with me again b/c when dropping me off at work this morning, a co-worker (male) gave me 1/2 hug and he is really taking this left field and he has done things to me that are way worse and i never behave this way. so now i’m doing exactly what you said to do and it’s making matters worse again but i’m at the point now that i don’t care b/c he does this too much

  106.  #106Rori Raye on July 24, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    Ebony – The only place for you to focus on now is making sure that your money is handled well enough to never get another eviction notice. He’s angry because he feels guilty and bad about himself – and there’s NOTHING you can do to make that better, except to stop pointing the finger at him. When things settle down, after you’ve given him some space, where you can talk things out without blaming or finger-pointing, and come up with a financial plan – that’s what you do. The relationship has to fall into place from there. Love, Rori

  107.  #107Ebony Slade on July 25, 2012 at 6:41 am

    Thank you so much for that Rori but we have had that talk and i thought things had settled down but then he got angry at me again b/c i asked him to be respectful enough to let me know when he’s gong out and then there’s the hug from the co-worker. omg!!! he gets like this all the time over the smallest things but when he does something and it’s usually big, he apologizes once or sometimes he doesn’t apologize but i don’t hold on to anger and shut him out like he does to me. right now i am doing exaclty what you said and focusing on my finances. i also told him that if he told me that he didn’t have the money i would help him but he has to let me know. i told him this when we got married. the thing that makes me so upset is, he has the more than enough money when the rent is due, he just doesn’t pay it, he does other things with the money. Bottom line is, he acts like a big kid who pouts when things doesn’t go his way or if you tell him that he has done something wrong and i feel like i have reached the edge and now i’m ready to jump. He doesn’t want to go for couseling at all and I told him that this is emotional abandonment and it can kill our marriage.

  108.  #108DeeDee on July 26, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Can i read the tools on this site?

  109.  #109Ivey on July 26, 2012 at 9:51 pm

    How do I not show emotion and walk away and do my own thing, with out it seeming like I have an attitude? It seems every time I try these techniques that it back fires on me and I just get angrier. If I don’t ask him what is wrong or try to talk to him or do something it seems he always accuses me of being dramatic and ignoring him. When in fact I am trying to just get away and find something else to do. What is going on? Thank you

  110.  #110Rori Raye on July 27, 2012 at 10:45 am

    Ivey – The reason you’re walking away is to get yourself into a self-loving place. Where you can get to your feelings, sink down, put some words together into a ‘script” if you need to….instead of pushing out towards him as usual. Once you learn to say things like “wow, I feel all off balance…can you help me understand this, what’s going on, I’m feeling angry and upset and triggered, would you like to talk about what just happened (or what happened yesterday)?” Or simply…”I’m feeling triggered and riled up, and I’m going to go read a book now and settle down….” Things will change. AND when he “accuses” you of being dramatic and ignoring him – that’s the perfect opening for a heart-to-heart, once you learn how to get bold and do it! Love, Rori

  111.  #111Jeena on July 28, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Hello, I have to say that this blog is amazing. I will have to tell you my story. I met a man when I was 24 and he was 27. It was love at first sight for both of us. We dated for about 2 years. He had trust issues because he saw his mother in bed with another man when he was a little boy. Hence, he just did not trust women…which, at the time, I did not understand that THIS WAS HIS PROBLEM, NOT MINE. For instance, when we went somewhere, and a man happended to look at me, he would go into a rage and ask me”Why is that man looking at you?”…I would try to console him and try to ‘understand, comfort’ and so on. It did no good. He was acting like a big baby. I would like to add that we did not live together. Well, we eventally broke up. This was absolutly heartbreaking to me. I made all the mistakes that all of these women on this blog made…calling him, hunting him down, crying, begging, etc…but, it just pushed him further away from me. I actually lost all self-respect.

    I always said to myself, if I had a chance, I would do all of this differently. Reading Roris’ Book, and life experiences lead me to realize that I was giving too much. A man SHOULD ALWAYS BE IN A ‘GIVING’ MODE, AND A WOMEN, ‘RECIEVING’ MODE.

    Well, I had my chance! About a years ago, I ran into him dowtown in the city that we live in. I had been away for sometime and had not seen him. My knees went weak and my heart starting pounding…I was still in love with this man. We starting see each other and fell back in love. This was my chance to change everything and I am not going to ruin it by ‘over-doing things like I used to. Oh, did I mention that it has be 30 years since I first met. I am now 55 and he is 59. He has never married and I never remarried..(I met him after my divorce and had a 1 year old child).

    He asked me to move in with him about 7 months ago and he wanted me to be his wife. Well, I thought this was a purposal…wrong! Well, I don’t cater to him, I stand up for my self, I have friends that I go see…he is baffled. Oh, and did I mention that he has never even lived with another sole, including any women. But, I must admit, he ajusted very well with me living with him.

    So, now, I have to get Roris’ book on how to put him in the place to ask me to marry him. I don’t even have a ring on my finger…for crying out loud! But, I have his respect, love, attention and everything else that goes along with being a ‘live-in’ girlfriend. HE talks about our future together, i.e. “We need to put money aside for our future, we need to do this in the fall”, etc…,but, no ring and I simply refuse to even mention a ring, marriage, or purposal…because HE should be doing this. We go see his sisters, his mother, his family, who live in another city, so, there is no problem there. It is just like he has forgotten that he said to me the wife thing. Any comments would help…while I order another book on marriage.

    Rori, what book or audio do I need to get and if you have any comments out there or from you, Rori until I read what ever you suggest.

  112.  #112Rori Raye on July 28, 2012 at 9:36 am

    Jeena – normally I would suggest coaching, and Virginia Clark’s http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com – or Dominique, who’s amazing and lived with her now husband so long without marriage, and he just up and wanted to marry her out of nowhere! But here’s my take – if I had everything I wanted except the document and the ring – I’d stay with it. It sounds lovely, fun, happy. If marriage would essentially stress him out – I’d give him what he needs – which is the freedom to have you be his ‘wife’ without marriage. I mean, really, what does it get you that you don’t already have? I’d make sure your state has civil unions so you could be with each other in the hospital, I’d talk to Dominique about all the financial perks you get when you’re married – taxes, insurance, etc – the things that influenced her own husband – and when it comes to a point where you TRULY want to marry him, I’d use that kind of logic, plus just plain old making you happy. Dominique will tell you about her “ring.” Virginia will tell you how she got HER ring after 5 years with her husband. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t dump the relationship to get the ring. Love, Rori

  113.  #113Sarah on July 29, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    Hi Rori

    I am so glad i have found this blog. I’m 20 years old and so is my boyfriend of two years. I’m really frustrated with him and don’t know what to do. My boyfriend tends to ignore my texts/calls and can go for days without contacting me and then suddenly when it suits him he will reply. An also he talks to so many girls on facebook which bothers me….i dont know what to do. Please give me some advice.

  114.  #114Rori Raye on July 29, 2012 at 10:03 pm

    Sarah – What in the heck are you doing even CALLING him your boyfriend?! You’re supposed to be having fun and dating – not languishing in an exclusive relationship with a man who just wants to date you. Please read up here on Circular Dating – and STOP CALLING/TEXTING HIM!!!! Respond if he calls/texts you – but don’t start a conversation. Too much work. Love, Rori

  115.  #115Sarah on July 30, 2012 at 1:29 am

    Omg thank you so much Rori….You’ve just opened my eyes! I will follow your advice. Lots of love…sarah.Xxx

  116.  #116Sandra on August 6, 2012 at 10:06 am

    Hi guys .
    Lovely to have discovered this. my guy and I are approaching 3years and we have had so much conflict in our relationship….I am worried though that if we go through another season of drama that it will be over for us and I am not ready to lose him.How do I avoid the little fights and how do I keep our relationship interesting…..

  117.  #117Rori Raye on August 6, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    Sandra – You’re asking exactly the right question. Arguing and fighting is a losing game. Learn feeling messages, learn to breathe and weather his moods, and not “engage” in fighting. A fight is just an attempt to get love – to inject more “juice” into things. There are other ways to work that. Love, Rori

  118.  #118Sarah on August 11, 2012 at 8:23 am

    Hi Rori, hope your well.
    Its me Sarah here again 🙂

    I was just wondering would you advise me talking to this guy “so called boyfriend” and telling me how i feel about him talking to all these other girls on facebook? That it makes me upset and frustrates me. Also is it okay for him to talk to other chicks on facebook? or am i just being insecure? I don’t know i’m quite an attractive girl…..I’ve turned down a few dates….because it doesn’t feel right. I want to talk to my “bf” first. Would you advice this?

    Lots of love

  119.  #119Sarah on August 11, 2012 at 8:25 am

    *telling him

  120.  #120Laila on August 11, 2012 at 11:32 am

    Thank you for your post. As I read through what you had wrote It amazed me at the similarities between the problems you described with your husband and the problems I have with my partner. I never know what mood he will be in and it changes like the weather. One day he is all over me telling me how much he loves me and making plans for our future and the next he turns into someone I barely recognise. He is moody, quiet and completely ignores me. I do exactly the same as you described think of every possible explanation for what I may have done to upset him and then try everything I can think of to strike up a pointless conversation just to get him talking and like you said “lighten the mood”. We have only been together for Two years and like most relationships was great at first. NO arguments, NO ignoring, NO holding back his affectionate side etc… I am at the end of the line with our relationship. I love him dearly but this is no longer fun or healthy for either of us and leaves me feeling drained. I am going to try your tips in the hope that I can save us but am not to hopeful. He ignores me for a day or two then just comes home from work like nothing ever happened. No explaination. NOTHING and I’m suppose to be grateful that he’s talking to me again without ever knowing the reason for him not talking to me in the first place. I will let you know how we get on. Fingers crossed. x

  121.  #121Sunny on August 11, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    I don’t know why i am still in this relationship. Rori’s ebooks have helped me greatly for last 2 month. No therpasit halped as much as Rori’s tools. I need real advise I an an independent women. My Man was totally infatuated with me when we first met. After couple of months, he tried to control me and was jealous. He would get so jealous if a guy looked at me or flirted with me. He took it out on me. I thought of that as love and felt bad. Slowly, I started to not dress up for him so that he feels secure. He would hide my clothes, makeup etc so that I don’t dress sexy and look good. I hought that he is incsecure so I let it happen and tried to make him secure. We got engaged after 3 years. He have me the ring of my dreams. His ways didn’t change. All thru ouyt the 5 years we have been together, he always ingnores if he is upset woth me. He still hides makeup, clothes, etc. I rebel and we make up and cycle goes on. recently, I felt he was cheating on me as he wast txtinf someone all day and night. When i confronted him, he got mad and ignored me for days. That is when i first got Rori’s book. It transformed me. It was more effective, when I workied on myself and I was truly doing all the things from my heart. Then something hapopend, with 2 days, he changed, he came after me and chased me. it felt good. But there are still issues. I feel that he is toxic and i get confused. Becasue he can be very nice. we can spen weekends together totally in bliss with full attention from him. Then, there are times when he would call me names, ignore me and leave me. I have come a long way thanks to Rori. I just want to know is he a keeper when he gets so mad that it takes him days to come around. I haven’t been perfect either as I can’t help it get mad when I feel like I have to hide my clothes, makeup, things like nail polish etc from him becasue he always think I am doing it for someone else and not him. I have tired to make him feel secure but it is not helping. we fight and he runs off. I get mad and keep on txting him. Ladies, Please advise

  122.  #122kiran on August 12, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    hello my husband is not with he in pakistan waiting for to come here he never has time for me … i allways message him call hi text everything …. my frnd says dont call him or message make him come to you lol well going to follow your advice thank you

  123.  #123Rori Raye on August 12, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    Kiran, Welcome, and I’ve taken off your second name for your privacy…Love, Rori

  124.  #124Meg on August 15, 2012 at 9:23 am

    I have a boyfriend right now and things were perfect when we started, which is why I decided to be with him to begin with.

    I know he loves me, but we’re barely together for 8 months and he’s already pulling the “cold” stunt on me. It’s been 5-6 months of that now. I have high hopes for my future with this guy, and I know that he loves me, but I’m very scared that I will have to spend my future with this cold man.

    I grew up in a very loving family and am accustomed to love and warmth. Ive had loving relationships prior this one. I don’t know what Im doing wrong.

  125.  #125Rori Raye on August 15, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    Meg – what exactly does “cold” look like with this man? And have you expressed to him SPECIFICALLY how you feel when “this (fill in the blank here…) happens”? Love, Rori

  126.  #126Meg on August 17, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Hello Rori,

    Mostly one word texts, not replying to I love yous, not making an effort to be with me. Yes I have confronted him about it, and of course he’d say he’ll change only not to change anything at all.

    Yes I try to control myself by not texting first, and avoiding inviting him out… but this leads to a lot less of seeing each other.

    I’m frustrated, and the hopeless irrational voice in my head is going berserk.

  127.  #127Ayda on August 26, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    Heyy Rori, I went out with this guy for three days and it was amazing but thing is I showed too much how I was feeling and he kinda ran away. Said he doesn’t have feelings for the moment and its gonna take him some time. He was super duper interested though but then nothing. After that I told him we should stay friends and I was showing him how I was having fun in life. Some times I was ignoring him and sometimes no. Then he started slowly to be interested again but then one day out of nowhere I told him it would be better if we.don’t stay friends for now cause I need some time away. He said its okay no worries I understand. And here its been 9 days we didn’t talk! Did I do good??? Or baaaddd??? I feeeel baaaad!

  128.  #128Rori Raye on August 26, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    Ayda – I deleted your last name for your privacy. You didn’t do anything either good OR bad! Sometimes a guy just isn’t right for us, sometimes he’s just not interested. You have to allow that to happen, not take it personally, and keep Circular Dating. Love, Rori

  129.  #129ruby on August 27, 2012 at 6:57 am

    So ignoring my husband is not as easy as it seems, at least for me. i do what you call over-functioning and try kissing his butt even when he is in the wrong. So when i do ignore him i have to ignore him for at least a good 24 hrs before he even starts to kiss butt. he just always thinjs he is right and he’s so stubborn. i dont know how to get him out of this stupid stubborness stage.

  130.  #130Rori Raye on August 27, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    ruby – Welcome – and this is a great question that deserves a long answer…I’ll use it for a post starter. Love, Rori

  131.  #131Rori Raye on August 28, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    ruby – as long as you think of your husband as “stupid” and “stubborn” – you’ll never be able to shift this relationship. Find what you love about him and focus on that, and stop trying to shove down your anger and resentment with overfunctioning. Love, Rori

  132.  #132Isabella on August 30, 2012 at 10:02 pm

    Help! Involved in a 2 1/2 year relationship. We do not live together. We talk twice daily on his way to and from work, he is the one to always calls me and I see him once a week. For the most part we communicate well with each other and have a fun and loving relationship. We are both in our early 50’s. Everything was wonderful between us last week, until on his way home from work he was involved in a traffic incident which he threw something out his car window and was cited and arrested for it. He has never been in trouble in his life. He did call me on his way home after it happened to let me know what was going on. He has to appear in court next week for that incident. I did not hear from him over the weekend. I called and left him a voice mail that following Monday morning to see how he was going, knowing he was stressed from it. He called back later that afternoon and we talked for and hour. I could tell he was extremely stressed and he told me he is very angry with himself. I asked him please do not shut me out. I have not heard from him in 4 days and it is killing me wondering how he is doing. I have not emailed or called him as of yet as I am trying to give him space to figure things out. When he get stressed he retreats deep into his man cave and can be very stubborn and won’t talk to me at all. I told him I will be there to love and support him in whatever happens. Still he completely shuts down and ignores me knowing how much I am worried about him. Do men not realize how much this hurts us when they push us away, we have feelings too. Do men just need space and time to process things on there own without being disturbed? I really want to call, email him just to let him know I am thinking about and am worried about him. I also want to wish him the best outcome when he goes to court, should I call or email him or wait for him to contact me to let me know what happened? Why do men push away the people who love them the most in time of crisis? Is he that ashamed of what he did or does he think I might view him in a different light. I told him I will love and support him no matter what, that this incident does not change how I feel about him. Then I though maybe it’s a mind game, he’s testing me to see how much I are about him, if she calls me she loves me, if not she must not care about me, it’s such a mind game when they ignore and shut you out completely. I truly love him and am worried about him, should I call or email him or just sit back and give him the space he needs and let him come to me when he is ready to talk again. How long should I wait, being ignored is quite hurtful when you love someone.

  133.  #133Rori Raye on August 31, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Isabella – I’m so sorry – yu’re not going to like this. After 2 1/2 years – seeing a man once a week does not qualify as a relationship. Please start Circular Dating and stop being exclusive with this man. You don’t even have to tell him – but I’d do it gently with the “No Girlfriend” speech when you see each other next time…If this kind of contact is all you want, then stay with what you’re doing – otherwise, learn how to Circular Date and make your needs and wishes known. Love, Rori

  134.  #134Nitu on August 31, 2012 at 2:23 pm


    My fiance finally started to come to me to talk about his issues with his ex and daughters after i used your techniqes. Things were great and lasted about 3 days. his daugther don’t like me. when they saw me with him, they started to give him real hard time. After 2 days of stress from them, he took it all out on me and left the house. Yesterday, he emailed me and told me that he want to sell the house we have together and he want to move closer to his daughters. I tried to call him and txt him but he totaly ignored my calls. I stopped as i realized rori’s advise and went out with my girlfriend. I met a real nice guy and we had fun talking. My fiance still hasn’t contacted me and I haven’t either. Can someone help me and tell me if I am doing the right thing?

  135.  #135Amber on September 2, 2012 at 6:32 am

    Okay…my husband and I have been married 12 years now and have a 10 year old son together. I am at a loss on what to do and want to throw in the towel often – but I never do. Heres what’s bothering me today as it would take a novel to share our history, we’ve had so many ups and downs….

    Last night, we went to a sporting event as a family. We both enjoy sports so it should be a good time, right? Well no. Even before the game, he was saying things that hinted at him not neccesarily wanting to go. I asked him before the tickets were purchased and he said yes, he’d like to go. But after the plans were made, he talked about wanting to see a different sporting event on tv and now he was going to miss it. I told him I understood (and although I thought why the heck didn’t you tell me before I spent $100 on the tickets! Lol) and he didn’t have to go. I’d take out son and go with a friend/my mom or alone. Whatever. But he insisted on going and said it wasn’t a big deal. Although it obviously was because he was making more and more comments that pointed to his not wanting to go ie “hope it doesn’t go to overtime” “missing the game sigh” etc.

    On the way to the game he was completely negative – just one example, trying to tell me and my son what to take/not take into the stadium. I told him not to worry about us – it he didn’t want to bring a sweater that’s fine. Let me worry about if I want to carry it around or not. The little annoyances go on and on. During the game, he pretty much acted like he’d much rather not be there. I find this so sad because to me, this is a family event. A memory for us AND our young child. He was on his phone (internet) all night and ignored me and the game….I did overattend by asking if he wanted a beer, can I get him something? Etc. just trying to avoid his mood but he refused. Fine.

    Finally he started picking at our son for little things kids do and his negativity kept coming out at him, so I’d had enough. I told him it bothered me that he was so disengaged and on his phone, very negative toward us etc. I didn’t yell or anything – just told him how I felt. Didn’t seem to make a difference so I decided to distance myself. I asked our son if he wanted to move to a different vantage point (we were not in seats but a more open, standing room area) and he was excited to do so (or son was really enjoying the actual game). So we moved about 10 feet or so away. Not even 5 minutes later, my husband comes over to me and demands the car keys. Nevermind that the game is only like 2/3rds over and there’s more festivities planned for afterwards. I was kinda mad that he talked to me that way and protested, saying so you’re just going to leave your wife and kid here? He basically said he was really tired and was going to go sleep in the car and that I just left him there so…..(!)

    He ended up going to the car and my son and I finished out the evening alone. We had a good time but I felt very disrespected.

    IMO, he was ignoring us and being negative the entire time up to that moment and I get blamed for trying to distance myself from it? I don’t get it….

  136.  #136Ros on September 20, 2012 at 4:59 am

    Omg.. LOST IN THOUGHTS!!!!!

  137.  #137Ros on September 21, 2012 at 8:42 am

    Hi Girls..
    I am so glad that I found this blog… I have exhausted my overfunctioning and am trying to follow the recommendations.. I tell you it’s not easy!!! My boyfriend of almost 6 years and I have for the most part in our good times do everything together.. but when we have our downs.. it totally becomes dysfunctional.. We don’t communicate.. AT ALL we stop doing anything together.. and he more tends to do anything we wants… We have always had the same problem he runs to his family and even changes his mode with me when around them.. It’s so frustrating because this hurts me so much.. I been taking it for a very long time.. We did so much to me in the past.. that I can’t forget nor forgive him.. I can’t say he has been unfaithful because I have never caught him..but the things he has done and the way he would act would lead me to think that.. He would go out with his friends and family and come home very late.. he knew how much this bothered me, nor I was never fine with these actions.. so he never even asked me if it was ok.. I even felt and considered cheating on him because of these fears, bitterness, in secureness, jealousy he has built in me.. Rite now.. his mom has Cancer and is in her final days.. we are not talking to eachother and I decided to sleep in another room.. I feel so hurt inside.. yet I want him to suffer for all he’s done to me.. and continues to do.. He has said lots of ugly things to me .. just two weekends ago.. he said he was tired of me… for me to do “Me” and “Him” to do him.. he mentioned he was not going to change … and I will have to deal with it.. We are not living in his house.. we are not married.. and we have one child age 5 and I have two of my own.. Since his mom might be leaving this earth soon.. she has asked him to care for his brothers which are ages 18, 25, 19…. Since they don’t work nor have a place to stay.. I feel so much pressure and know I won’t be able to handle that… He’s brothers are not good role models nor influences for my kids.the 25 is currently in jail… and upon his release I doubt will have were to go. Being I have a 16 year old.. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.. I love him but there are things I can’t handle.. I like my privacy … I can’t just pick up and go because I would not be able to afford a place for my kids and I rite now.. I have done so much sacrifices for us.. I am always the one to break the ice.. to be in good terms.. and he just acts like he doesn’t care at all.. can’t ever apologize nor look for me.. I have felt so lonely at times….I am desperate for help!

  138.  #138Ros on September 21, 2012 at 8:46 am


  139.  #139Jessica on September 23, 2012 at 6:21 am

    Dear Rory,
    I am feeling uncomfortable writing this to you or anyone who is married. Personally I can control my heart and where or who I love. I met a man who was 40 years older than me. We clicked and just fell in love so quickly, I had been looking for a guy like him for a very long time and I just never knew I would fall in love so quickly. Within the 2nd month we traveled overseas and had such a romantic time. 18 months later he is still for me , the love of my life and it’s just becoming more intense. The only issue with this was I found out he was married four months after we committed. He leads a very complicated life. Married this lady 6 months after knowing her, they have been married for 23 years, have no children, and everything is in her name. Her husband is very successful and all his hard earnings are in her name. He says she is her best friend but they have stopped being affectionate since 8 years ago and they also sleep in seperate rooms. I believe that because when she’s off holidaying , they both have seperate rooms. This is very immoral but I plead people to not abuse me. I fell in love with a married man. I can understand his situation but yes it’s no excuse, and I wish he’d divorce her. He is considering it. But this story doesn’t finish here with him. He has a bad history of cheating. I calculated or found out 8 months later that he has two 20 and 24 year old children to another women. At first I thought he met this lady before his wife but then I was in shock as secrets came out that he cheated on his wife two years after they were married and she fell pregnant twice. Their relationship fell through and he says he loves his kids but he believes she purposely got pregnant. Anyways then I started finding out during our relationship he was on dating sites which he was seeing several other women . I found out 4 times and then the 5 th time after forgiving him because I accepted his character, my trust was completely gone after a female told me he sent her a text inviting her over seas. So yes he sounds like a complete asshole and yes his wife doesn’t even know about these kids. So I have fallen in love with a complicated , and married man. But deep down he started to fall in love with me and after several times of him hurting me I believe he started to change. He has a lot of trust issues and thought I was like every other girl wanting his money. He has a dry sense of humor and jokes with me about the women he used to see. It does hurt me only because I have to live with the memories. So it’s been 18 months we’ve been together and 6 months after the last incident. He is madly in love with me and apparently more than ever before. My question is : do men with such a history as his change? He says he doesn’t talk to this female who he believes is do intelligent. She lives far away. I’m only 24 but wow I feel old knowing she’s 21 and slim. I have a personality and he sees how my persOnality is with people. He met this female before me etc. it still doesn’t stop her sending naked photos to him. The burden of being with someone who has money. The issue I have now is that things are going amazingly well but I can’t get these memories from the incidents out of my head. I’m almost damaged. He just obviously gets over it but I have lost so much trust that I don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth. Things are still like we are in the honey moon period. We are even flying around the world in two weeks but I can’t stop getting anxiety , wondering what he’s been doing. It’s so easy for him to say he’s going to dinner with wife, or he has a business meeting. I’m so scared to be out in a position where I am like his wife. But why do I want him. It’s not success ? We just truly get along and he loves me for me. I am beautiful but I am not like a model like those females. I’m into all music he enjoys and we just really click and sex is just intense with him. But it’s honestly been 6 months of hell, thinking of all these incidents or females. I’m becoming emotionally drained . Anything I need to do before anyone telling me to leave him? Things are good now, yes he’s married but we are truly in love. So I’m in desperate help.

  140.  #140Jessica on September 23, 2012 at 6:40 am

    Note : I can’t control . Also I feel one incident , he sent the same text to three different women : merry Xmas baby . Other incident sending out numbers etc wanting to meet women. 3 incident: found out he was trying to get a girl to fly over with him after proposing to me. Also said they enjoyed their night together. He said that the email was wrongfully sent to him. .4 th incident – I pretended to be someone .5 th incident : the same Finnish model he wanted to Invite overseas sent me a text dating his last text was : which was him inviting her over seas. Etc. then all other incidences of photos of pretty girls he’s showed me sending sexy photos. We seperAted once and it took him 3 hours to go on a date and see this girl. After 2 days of non separating I told him I wanted an open relationship, he opened up to me but after she’s met him, she’s after him too. I’m thinking based on his character? He craves attention from these women ? And also the same other 21 year old whO is after him he lights up talking about her but she lives far away. He recently told me he diesnt talk to her after saying he was engaged to her . But then around the week after she said she misses him, I calculated after we’ve been together 18 months , how can a woman still say she misses him if he hasn’t been leading her on? So how has he just stopped communicating to both of them? I jus can’t seem to believe him ?

  141.  #141Jessica on September 23, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Sorry !! Engaged to me to her

  142.  #142Shannon on October 1, 2012 at 8:54 am

    Hi Rori, looking for a little advice. My boyfriend of 5 years recently became very upset with me, we do live together I know it’s me because he told me, of course I could sense he was upset by the things he said and asked “why are you mad at me?”. We were out with a bunch of people from my work, we had been drinking, me more than him, and I thought of something one of my co-workers and I had talked about previously in the week, which was a side effect to a medication that my boyfriend was on, a medication he did not want anyone knowing he was on. When he mentioned this side effect I said “well good thing *R* doesnt have that!” that was all that was said, then at the gathering I asked him if he had noticed the side effect when it was just him and I and that co-worker together and he said no and that was it. That night when we were on our way home he asked me how she knew and I said I didn’t tell her he was on it (forgetting that I did imply it earlier that week) the next morning he would not talk to me, when he did he was rude and told me I had to find a ride to pick up my car where we left it. I asked him why he was mad, he said because that co-worker knew about the medication and she isn’t his doctor and I did apologize and explained exactly what happened at work and said I should not have said that. Well he did not accept my apology, was rude, told me very mean things like he was going to pack up my stuff while I went to work. So I just quit talking, my sister took me to get my car, I didn’t say anything when I left then when I got home continued to not say anything. Went to bed “, neither one of us talking, he got up for work today did not kiss me before getting out of bed like usual nor did he say good bye before he left. I am tryin to do for me and not be overwhelming but it’s so hard, please tell me if there is any more I can do? I understand I probably broke his trust a little and need to give him space, but we never argue and I am afraid of losing him. Thanks for taking the time to read this! Look forward to your thoughts!

  143.  #143Rori Raye on October 1, 2012 at 11:54 am

    Shannon. He’s mad. The situation is triggering his shame. It’s going to take a while for him to feel trusting of you again – he doesn’t feel safe right now. Just keep working at making him safe NOW. The only way to do that is to keep sharing YOURSELF as vulnerably and intimately as you can and do NOT TALK ABOUT THIS ever again unless HE brings it up!!!!!! You have to do a mix of “being there” and being warm when he wants to be around you – and getting yourself OUT of the house and doing other things. This will help to balance the energies that are flying around. Breathe, meditate, do what you need to do to stay calm and peaceful. And it’s okay to apologize and apologize over and over again if he ever brings it up. And then say “I’ll keep apologizing as much as you need, and I’m hoping you can forgive me quickly, because this feels awful.”

    The important thing for you is to ALLOW him (facilitate him without asking anything, just by being there ready to hear…) to get his ANGER out. Otherwise he’s just going to keep withdrawing and maybe get depressed. If he turns on you, just stand there and listen, nod your head.
    Love, Rori

  144.  #144Tammi on October 9, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    I used to be the one to try and fix every spat even tho it may not be my fault. I dont like conflict and dont like the uncomfortable silence. I believe in talking things thru together but also realize there’s times when you have to walk away and take a breather.

    What I dont like the most is when he comes back a few hours or days later and acts as if nothing ever happened and ignores the fact that he said something rude or hurtful to me. I KNOW he knows he did or said something offensive but I’m normally the one to move on past the spat. Sometimes its harder than others.

    What bothers me is that he says that its not good to let things fester and build up and that we should always talk things thru but yet HE never delivers. And when he comes out of hiding after a spat and I ask if he wants to talk, he gets upset and tries ro change the subject. It hurts because it feels like he doesn’t care about the way he hurt me. It hurts because he expects ME to play peacemaker and make first contact.

    Ive told him before that I feel like he isnt despecting the relationship or me when he pretends nothing ever happened. I told him I feel like he doesn’t acknowledge his part in the spat but yet he wants me to “put myself in HIS shoes” and see how I may have been wrong. And I DO do that! I try to make sure I validate his feelings and concerns. And guess what? Do you think he follows up after by putting himself in MY shoes? NO! He gets satisfaction and assurance that I’m hearing his side and then he doesn’t try to see MY side. This leaves me feeling slighted.

  145.  #145Rori Raye on October 9, 2012 at 8:41 pm

    Tammi – Thank you for your comment – and I think this is a great place for us all to script this kind of situation if we were in it. And also how to handle our emotions when we’re so consistently triggered. . Anyone want to take a stab at it? Love, Rori

  146.  #146Lisa on October 10, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    Hi Rori I’m 21 and my boyfriend is 23 we met in a really weird way but it started off as just sex than it got deeper to the point where we absolutely are in love with each other we have so much in common and we’re always doing stuff together we also live together even though we haven’t been dating very long and we haven’t known each other for very long but it feels that way I ran into some financial issues so he pretty much makes sure I’m ok but lately he has been seemingly distant almost like he’s ignoring not even really holding me at night unless I initiate it first its making me sad I don’t know if I have done anything wrong or not but it hurts what do I do because I love him so much and I want our relationship to grow

  147.  #147Rori Raye on October 11, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Lisa – The only thing I can say here is that you’re very young. Open communication is the only way here…”I’ve noticed I don’t feel as close as before – is there anything going on I should know about? Is there something going on for you at work?” In other words, talk. Love, Rori

  148.  #148letta on October 22, 2012 at 3:39 am

    Hello Rori,
    I am soooo thrilled to have found this site and read you actually giving advice back. I am 23 have been in love with a man for 4 years and we have children together one which passes away a year ago and he has let me grieve alone (he wasnt apart of the pregnancy at all) and doesnt even helps me with our two daughters. About two years ago i found his twitter page where he was telling women he would be honored to be their man / husband. Just all kinds of flirting and saying things to other women he has never said to me and going to his friend’s house, out to clubs and parties rather than spending time with me so i broke up with him, i was depressed and he kept begging me back so i gave him another chance just to find out a year ago he was doing the same just lying to me every chance he got and being sneaky by sticking to texts, inboxes and private wall settings on his facebook. We dont talk much through the day and it doesnt seem to bother him at all. Everytime i try to leave he begs me back but makes no change and still does as he pleases. I try talking to him and trying to understand how he feels and why he does it but i get nothing but constant im sorries then back at it again. We start to argue and i cant let go of the past findings.I feel alone, unattractive and sad as well as angry all the time. I want to cry but i keep myself together for my girls. I love him but tonight he went ahead and did his thing as usual so i am fed up, dont plan on talking to him for a day so he can feel what its like to not be important to me if he even cares to begin with. Please help me I dont know what to do or how to feel. I am about to graduate this fall and just want to keep moving forward anf being happy.

  149.  #149Rori Raye on October 22, 2012 at 7:54 am

    letta – he does this because he’s behaving like a man-child (quite a sorry-ass man-child ). If it were me, I’d dump him totally. Get a lawyer and make sure you get financial support from him for your children! Then start Circular Dating and find a man who deserves you. He is absolutely not worth all your love and attention. Rent the movie “Think Like A Man” and just dump him. Love, Rori

  150.  #150Ebony on October 23, 2012 at 7:27 am

    Hello Rori,

    I just need to know if I’m handling this right.

    My husband always takes offense when i tell him the truth about himself. He shuts down like a child or tries to find faults in me to take the heat off of himself.

    My husband always seems to hang out until the late hours of the morning from time to time. I will get upset with him to the point where I’m sending him very angry text messages letting him know how upset I am and how this is totally disrespectful to me as his wife. He just doesn’t seem to get it. I mean, he’ll be doing good for a couple of weeks and then here we go again.

    He always comes home and tells me the little smart remarks that his friends would say to him because he cannot hang out with them and it really upsets me because these friends are not married nor are they in exclusive relationships so they can do what they want and not answer to anyone. Sometimes I feel like he’s sending me subtle hints that he wants to hang out all night with these guys but can’t because he’s married. he was out all day with them on Saturday until 3a, all day Sunday until 11p and last night until 1a. I finally blew up at him last night. I told him that everything was going fine but he always seems to find a way to change us and that i felt like he had a point to prove to his friends since they were really beating him down because he came home at 3a instead of staying out all night with them.

    when I called him and said that, his attitude was real indifferent and he hung up. I tried calling back several times but he didn’t answer. I then started texting and just basically telling him the truth about his behavior.

    we have had some issues in the past with him cheating and him hanging out like this really rings the alarm. I told him that I don’t of anything being open at 1a in the morning but he has to know that me turning back into this angry woman again is only a reflection of him.

    He comes in the house, takes off his clothes, doesn’t apologize and starts hugging on me as if he has done nothing wrong. I gave in to him but then only for him to turn around and bring up an issue with my son that we had discussed on Thursday of last week. I deposited my son’s check for him b/c he was going out of town and needed the money fast. He didn’t like that. He said that I baby him too much but I didn’t see it that way. I looked at is me helping him in his time of need.

    Again, we discussed that on Thursday and got past it. He brings it up again with such attitude this time and i told him that he was making uncomfortable because he was bringing up again and he also mentioned how much the check was for. That also raised a flag. I knew that I had put the deposit slip in my purse but I thought hmmmm maybe it fell and he saw it. When I woke up this morning, i saw that the slip was still in my purse so I asked him if he thought that I was hiding something from him b/c of the slip in my purse and he said “no, the bank sent a letter and he thought it was my credit card bill. He never opens my cc bills. I just left it alone.

    Shortly after I left, I received a text from him saying that I am truly crazy b/c of the text that I sent him at 1a this morning. He read that text when I sent it. it just seems like now he just wants a reason to me mad b/c I caught him snooping again for the millionth time. Not that I have anything to hide but it’s the principle of the matter.

    I ignored his text, never responded b/c If he’s angry then let him be. I’m tired of trying to appease him when I know I did nothing wrong.

    Am I handling this right?

  151.  #151Rori Raye on October 23, 2012 at 8:21 am

    Ebony – This is going to be tough – I feel the need to tell what “I see as the truth” here (because you’ve asked, and because I’m the only official “boy” voice here).- if you don’t want to hear it, please don’t read:

    I feel angry rage and shock reading your letter. I want to knock him down, and I want to shake you, too – and what you write about what you’ve said and thought sounds so “reasonable”! If this were me, I cannot imagine ANY reason for tolerating being with a man who doesn’t want to be with me for whole weekends and evenings. Period. And talking to him about this in ways that “make him wrong” and “tell him the truth about himself” will never, ever work. This thing about him checking and snooping into your money handling is a distraction of some kind. I find it hard to believe there isn’t a woman involved in this somehow.

    You need personal help scripting how you talk to him, and how you stand up for yourself, and how to overcome the fear of doing so. Upsetting the apple cart is always terrifying – and, yes, it could have profound influences on the relationship. Your standing up and speaking to him like you’re both grownups would take courage and skill – and I encourage you to start reading everything you can here, starting with my ebook – getting at least “Toxic Men” and “Love Scripts” and getting some private help. I know many great coaches – Virginia Clark, Dominique, Orna and Matthew Walters – and you may find someone wonderful in your own town. If you coached with me I would be very firm about how you see this situation and how you speak to him, and insist that you do the homework from my book and programs. Love, Rori

    Please, please, please go get a private coach, see a lawyer about your financial situation should you decide to leave him, and stop calling or testing him. Please focus on your own inner life, your outer life: your own fun and activities, the meaning and purpose of your own life, and leave him alone. Tell him you feel terrible the way things are now, that you want a real marriage where there’s fun and harmony and hanging out together – and stop talking about the relationship. Do fun things for yourself, and fun and playful things together. If you want this man, and if he’s at all capable of being in a marriage – you’ll have to ATTRACT him back. You won’t get anything by trying to talk him into it, or shame him into it. You’ll just push him further away and make yourself more miserable. Love, Rori

  152.  #152Ebony Slade on October 23, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Thank you so much!! I am going to follow your instructions.

    I will begin by focusing more on me and seeking private help. Keep in mind that i’m dealing with an adult child here so the consequences of me focusing on myself will be brutal! (figuratively)

    I am not worrying about too much. the new me starts right now.

  153.  #153Hannah on October 24, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    Omg Im so glad to have found this excellent blog. My boyfriend is ignoring me for..please help me rori, I dont know what to do. His behaviour is breaking my heart

  154.  #154Rori Raye on October 24, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    Hannah, Welcome, and read everything you can here, give us your situation in detail, and you’ll get help in becoming more of an Invitation and Circular Dating. Love, Rori

  155.  #155Rose on October 25, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    Hello Rori,

    I feel so confused and don’t know how to let go. I’m currently living with my soon to be-ex-husband in a home we bought 4 years ago. Because of the market and what not, we decided to lease the property. Since I knew finding the right tenants could take a few months, I decided to use the time wisely and fight for my marriage because I love him and I’m still in love with him! I wanted to do things right and rescue my marriage when I knew all he wanted was out. So I change not for him but for me, because I realized that as a wife I had taken my husband for granted. I was very bossy and wanted things my way. I started devoting a lot of time to my mother who lives alone not realizing that I was leaving my husband alone every Friday night to be with my mom, I did this for 3 years. He never communicated to me how he was feeling so I thought I was doing the right thing. I felt so secured of him, thinking we had the perfect marriage, both young with careers, traveled every year, homeowners and we were planning kids in the near future. I never thought he would leave me or turn around and look at another woman. Oh was I wrong?! Yes.

    The 3 and half years that we were married he was very mellow and we would get into arguments here and there but nothing major. A year ago we got into a big argument and he said he was done, and that he wasn’t feeling those sparks anymore, and that he wasn’t in love with me. A few months after he filed for divorce. I did find out he was talking on the phone with a co-worker and started hanging out with her on weekends. I confronted him about it, but of course he was very defensive and blamed everything on me. I asked him to go to marriage counseling with me, I practically begged him to not give up. That if we worked on our marriage we could make the sparks come back. But he refused and continued with the divorce.

    A year later, here I am still living with him. I tried everything!! I’ve gone above and beyond for him yup I’ve been “over functioning” I went from one extreme to the other. From January till May I thought he had stopped seeing this woman, and thought that maybe he was changing his mind but yet he wasn’t approaching me but was giving me mixed signals with him staying at home on weekends and telling me about his whereabouts, and sometimes he was nice to me and sometimes he would just completely ignore me and make me feel like if I didn’t exist, so I decided to search and sure enough I found out he was still in touch with her. I was devastated, and instead of confronting him this time I just had a conversation with him in where I expressed my feelings to him, and asked him to help me find a solution to our situation so one of us could move out. All this time he hardly says anything about our marriage, I feel as if I’m divorcing myself. I don’t get a response, or an n opinion; it’s as if I was living with a lifeless person, he hardly makes any conversation with me. I don’t know if I should completely ignore him, or what? I’ve tried given him the cold shoulder, but I then start feeling bad and go back to being the kind loving person. My close friends have advised me to let go…he is not moving out till the beginning of next year and the next 2 months I don’t know how I should act anymore?

  156.  #156Rori Raye on October 25, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    Rose, I’m so sorry for the pain of this situation. I wish there was an easy answer – and yet – it’s going to be your determination to create the kind of life and love you want that’s going to make the difference here. If this were me – I’d start feeling and acting single right now, this minute. Don’t argue with him, tell him he’s right about the marriage, and that you love him and freely let him go. Get a LIFE, get friends, go out and have fun, flirt with men, have coffee dates with them – change your look and your hair and your colors, and make sure you have a job you love. Do this NOW, while he’s still there. Learn everything you can here about Circular Dating – and make certain you have an excellent attorney. I can’t promise you that your moving on with your life cheerfully and with excitement is going to reel him back in – but it surely has a WAY better chance than what you’re doing now.

    If ever I wanted to encourage someone to get private coaching – this is it. Right now you’re at a crossroads. You need help with everything from your wardrobe to your words (Feeling Messages are key here), getting in touch with your sensuality and your body are essential (and getting out in public to practice using your new found skills) – and just dealing with your emotional triggers which are being activated every second now. I don’t want you to feel and act “woebegone”! – I want you to find your anger, your core strength, your “diva” attitude, and get on with your life. This is all about attraction – and that’s where your work is right now. You need to get fully attracted to YOU, so that a man can, too. You have your whole life ahead of you. Love, Rori

  157.  #157Rose on October 26, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Hi Rori,
    Thank you so much for your advise!

    About two months ago I started going out with girl friends to new restaurants, places, and trying new activities. What I haven’t done yet, is go out with men nor flirt. I haven’t done this in 8 years! But I know I have to get my grove BACK! I think I lost my confidence and my diva attitude.

    But that was the end of that, the new me is reborn NOW and is going to be even better than the old one!!

  158.  #158Tabii on October 27, 2012 at 8:40 am

    Hi Rori, I googled “how to deal with your bf when he ignores you and your blog came up. It’s very interesting to see that I have done those behaviours you described and I’m so ashamed lol. I feel super foolish to waste time and really good massages to a man that never does the same for me when I ignore him…pisses me off! We are in anger mode right now and I’ve massaged and apologized for my irrational behavior because I feel like he is losing interest in me he’s always masturbating and nit picking at me about any and everything. I’m not sure how to recover from his cold shoulder and mean streak. I know we love each other but he is stubborn, selfish and a mister no it alll. I need help to feel better I am sad 🙁

  159.  #159Rori Raye on October 27, 2012 at 9:51 pm

    Tabii, Welcome, and read everything you can here – and get the ebook – it will all help you, and we’ll help you. Love, Rori

  160.  #160Twink on November 1, 2012 at 12:26 am

    Help Rori! When I ignore him, he finds little ways to spite me – like adding other girls on facebook and chatting with them… He is trying to get back at me for ignoring him.. What can I do?

  161.  #161Rori Raye on November 1, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Twink – You’re not “ignoring” him in the right way – this is not about being “cold” – it’s about not actively trying to get his attention or working to please him – it’s letting him “be” and being VERY warm and open to him and appreciative of him when he DOES pay you attention and pleases you. What’s going on here sounds very young and immature. (Please honor the rule here that you have to be at least 18…) Love, Rori

  162.  #162Kimmy on November 3, 2012 at 10:53 am

    Hello Rori,

    I found your page through searching google and I’m very delighted.

    I have a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend until recently. In a nutshell I brought up the topic of wanting him to quit smoking one day…and he got really offended. He is now ignoring me and being cold towards me saying “he doesnt care what i think” etc.. I’m not to sure how to deal with it to be honest Rori.

    Do I apologize for worrying and wanting him to have a good health?

    I would really appreciate your advice.


  163.  #163Rori Raye on November 3, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    Kimmy – Here’s the thing – NO ONE responds to being asked to “change” in a pleasant way. What if he said he’s like you to lose a few pounds “for your health”? Wouldn’t you be offended? That he didn’t love you exactly as is? Same thing. There’s no way to talk to a sensitive man about something you want changed that doesn’t make him feel wrong. If it’s a dealbreaker, then you have to say that: “I feel unsafe around cigarette smoke. I feel so in love with you, I love you just as you are, and if you’re willing to negotiate, I’d love to come up with a plan that makes me feel safer.” I’d apologize to him for bringing up the smoking thing in a way that clearly was offensive, and then, if you have to start a negotiation, do it like in my ebook….it has step by step instructions for using feeling messages and negotiating – and be prepared for the relationship to go downhill if he can’t handle even this small issue. Love, Rori

  164.  #164brandy on November 4, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    Hi rori

    Okay i am very concerned as to what to do with my relationship, my boyfriend just recently broke it off with me. What happen was that i addressed that i wanted him to put as much in this relationship as i am and for him to make me feel as important as his friends are, he is currently in a financial crisis but he works as a iron worker and farms part time, i feel as if he was way to busy for me and we never really got to do much together when we did do anything together it always involved his friends. This isn’t the first time he has broke it off with me. He said that i complain way to much and i stress him out and he has to get on his feet i have been nothing but good to him. We currently live together so i have been trying to work things out with him talk about our issues. But he isn’t wanting to work on things i asked to be honest and if he had feelings for me he replied no. This is all over me telling him that i wished he would spend more time with just us
    because he is always with his buddies farming. I told him that it was wrong that he made me feel like im last and that when he finds time with just us to let me know. I really think i pushed him away for good he will not talk to me. I dont want to lose this guy just want to know what my next alternative is and how i can get him back

  165.  #165Rori Raye on November 5, 2012 at 8:24 am

    brandy – you can’t lose a guy you don’t have. If he broke it off, he broke it off. Please learn as many love skills here as you can with my Tools – get the ebook first – really work with it… and learn to Circular Date. Love, Rori

  166.  #166Ros on November 5, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    137: Ros says:
    Hi Rori..
    I am so glad that I found this blog… I have exhausted my overfunctioning and am trying to follow the recommendations.. I tell you it’s not easy!!! My boyfriend of almost 6 years and I have for the most part in our good times do everything together.. but when we have our downs.. it totally becomes dysfunctional.. We don’t communicate.. AT ALL we stop doing anything together.. and he more tends to do anything we wants… We have always had the same problem he runs to his family and even changes his mode with me when around them.. It’s so frustrating because this hurts me so much.. I been taking it for a very long time.. We did so much to me in the past.. that I can’t forget nor forgive him.. I can’t say he has been unfaithful because I have never caught him..but the things he has done and the way he would act would lead me to think that.. He would go out with his friends and family and come home very late.. he knew how much this bothered me, nor I was never fine with these actions.. so he never even asked me if it was ok.. I even felt and considered cheating on him because of these fears, bitterness, in secureness, jealousy he has built in me.. Rite now.. his mom has Cancer and is in her final days.. we are not talking to eachother and I decided to sleep in another room.. I feel so hurt inside.. yet I want him to suffer for all he’s done to me.. and continues to do.. He has said lots of ugly things to me .. just two weekends ago.. he said he was tired of me… for me to do “Me” and “Him” to do him.. he mentioned he was not going to change … and I will have to deal with it.. We are not living in his house.. we are not married.. and we have one child age 5 and I have two of my own.. Since his mom might be leaving this earth soon.. she has asked him to care for his brothers which are ages 18, 25, 19…. Since they don’t work nor have a place to stay.. I feel so much pressure and know I won’t be able to handle that… He’s brothers are not good role models nor influences for my kids.the 25 is currently in jail… and upon his release I doubt will have were to go. Being I have a 16 year old.. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.. I love him but there are things I can’t handle.. I like my privacy … I can’t just pick up and go because I would not be able to afford a place for my kids and I rite now.. I have done so much sacrifices for us.. I am always the one to break the ice.. to be in good terms.. and he just acts like he doesn’t care at all.. can’t ever apologize nor look for me.. I have felt so lonely at times….I am desperate for help!

  167.  #167Ros on November 5, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    137: Ros says:
    Hi Rori..
    I am so glad that I found this blog… I have exhausted my overfunctioning and am trying to follow the recommendations.. I tell you it’s not easy!!! My boyfriend of almost 6 years and I have for the most part in our good times do everything together.. but when we have our downs.. it totally becomes dysfunctional.. We don’t communicate.. AT ALL we stop doing anything together.. and he more tends to do anything we wants… We have always had the same problem he runs to his family and even changes his mode with me when around them.. It’s so frustrating because this hurts me so much.. I been taking it for a very long time.. We did so much to me in the past.. that I can’t forget nor forgive him.. I can’t say he has been unfaithful because I have never caught him..but the things he has done and the way he would act would lead me to think that.. He would go out with his friends and family and come home very late.. he knew how much this bothered me, nor I was never fine with these actions.. so he never even asked me if it was ok.. I even felt and considered cheating on him because of these fears, bitterness, in secureness, jealousy he has built in me.. Rite now.. his mom has Cancer and is in her final days.. we are not talking to eachother and I decided to sleep in another room.. I feel so hurt inside.. yet I want him to suffer for all he’s done to me.. and continues to do.. He has said lots of ugly things to me .. just two weekends ago.. he said he was tired of me… for me to do “Me” and “Him” to do him.. he mentioned he was not going to change … and I will have to deal with it.. We are not living in his house.. we are not married.. and we have one child age 5 and I have two of my own.. Since his mom might be leaving this earth soon.. she has asked him to care for his brothers which are ages 18, 25, 19…. Since they don’t work nor have a place to stay.. I feel so much pressure and know I won’t be able to handle that… He’s brothers are not good role models nor influences for my kids.the 25 is currently in jail… and upon his release I doubt will have were to go. Being I have a 16 year old.. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.. I love him but there are things I can’t handle.. I like my privacy … I can’t just pick up and go because I would not be able to afford a place for my kids and I rite now.. I have done so much sacrifices for us.. I am always the one to break the ice.. to be in good terms.. and he just acts like he doesn’t care at all.. can’t ever apologize nor look for me.. I have felt so lonely at times….I am desperate for help! PLEASE RESPOND

  168.  #168Cindy on November 5, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Hi Rori….I have been reading this board for months. I have tried to follow many of the techniques you point out…Here’s my story/question. I have been seeing a man for nearly 9 months now. I really care about him a lot. In fact, I am in love with him. I wouldn’t say he is the love of my life or my soulmate, but I love that he is who he is and doesn’t pretend to be anything but himself. We just have such a wonderful time when we are together, I never wanna say goodbye, and always long for one last kiss. He is divorced with two children who live nearby with their mother. His kids are his number one priority, which is one of the things that stole my heart. He works 60 hours a week and almost every weekend. The night’s he gets off early, he drives an hour home and goes straight to his ex’s house to see the kids. He usually hangs out with them there, or takes them out shopping or to eat. I have three kids and have been seperated for almost 2 years. My ex is in the military overseas, so the kids and I moved back home. I have trust issues. My husband had two long affairs. I stayed the first time. I no longer could after the second. My kids adore my bf. Here comes the problem….after nearly 9 months, he has yet to tell me he loves me. He will tell me he cares if I pull it out of him, buthe does show me he cares when we are together. I think he still loves hx very much and still he could be with her. If she wanted him back I feel he would probably go. He moved back home with his folks after their divorce 2 Years ago cause his dad was sick. He has been living with me and my kids for the past 4 months. But between his busy work schedule and seeing his kids, I pretty much only see him after the 9pm hour. When he is off he is with his kids. We have probably only gone out a handful of times over the last 9 months. He says that since my divorce is not final, because my ex doesn’t want the divorce and is making it difficult, and because his ex hurt him so bad that that is why he had not fully opened up his emotions to me. He hardly ever brings his kids around me and my kids because he said thathe doesn’t want them to get attached to me and then if my divorce doesn’t go thru or if I decide to leave him he will have to explain that to his kids. Do I believe that the whole divorce thing is really what is holding him back. He has a really hard time showing his emotions since his divorce. He was with her for 20 years. I have never wanted so badly for someone to say they love me…I don’t understand how he can’t love me. Is he just using me cause he is comfortable with what we have and has a place to stay, someone to take care of him and wash his clothes?. Please help me!!

  169.  #169Jezabella on November 6, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    I’m glad I came across this! Here is my problem. My bf is bad with texting, and I usually don’t txt him till the end of his day when I know he’s not working. But what peeves me is when I ask him a question about spending time together on his day off (that day) I get no reply. Now I know he has a life lol but I think I’m just too available to him. One day he texted me at like 2 in the morning seeing if I was awake (which oddly that night I wasn’t.) so that morning I saw his txt but I had work and so I worked then he texted me again saying something about how my day was. I was at work so I couldn’t reply. Then after work I had to run errands for my brothers bday. It was an insane day! Then he calls me. By me not replying to him he gets all antsy lol. So I hate to do it to him but I think I’m just too available. He textes me I txt him back within a few mins because I have my phone in my pocket. What’s your opinion? Thank you!!

  170.  #170Emeli on November 7, 2012 at 9:20 am

    My boyfriend is adding loads of random girls on facebook. Don’t know what to do. Help 🙁

  171.  #171Rori Raye on November 7, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Emeli, I don’t know how old you are (if you’re under 18, I can’t answer you directly) – but, if this were me, I’d straight out share that I noticed all the women being added to his FB page and started feeling uncomfortable, and …is there anything I need to know? Does he still want to be in a “relationship” with me? Love, Rori

  172.  #172Rose on November 7, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Hi Rori, please advise me.

    Everything was going so perfectly smooth with me and my boyfriend. He even spoke about Marrying me. An now all of a sudden his pulling away.

  173.  #173Rori Raye on November 8, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Rose – it’s natural for a man to “rubberband.” How you handle yourself during these times is what counts. Read all you can here, the ebook Have The Relationship You Want (over in the sidebar, just click on the book) will help you tremendously so you can start being aware of the dynamic between you and how you can feel more confident. Love, Rori

  174.  #174Cindy on November 8, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Hi Rori….I have been reading this board for months. I have tried to follow many of the techniques you point out…Here’s my story/question. I have been seeing a man for nearly 9 months now. I really care about him a lot. In fact, I am in love with him. I wouldn’t say he is the love of my life or my soulmate, but I love that he is who he is and doesn’t pretend to be anything but himself. We just have such a wonderful time when we are together, I never wanna say goodbye, and always long for one last kiss. He is divorced with two children who live nearby with their mother. His kids are his number one priority, which is one of the things that stole my heart. He works 60 hours a week and almost every weekend. The night’s he gets off early, he drives an hour home and goes straight to his ex’s house to see the kids. He usually hangs out with them there, or takes them out shopping or to eat. I have three kids and have been seperated for almost 2 years. My ex is in the military overseas, so the kids and I moved back home. I have trust issues. My husband had two long affairs. I stayed the first time. I no longer could after the second. My kids adore my bf. Here comes the problem….after nearly 9 months, he has yet to tell me he loves me. He will tell me he cares if I pull it out of him, buthe does show me he cares when we are together. I think he still loves hx very much and still he could be with her. If she wanted him back I feel he would probably go. He moved back home with his folks after their divorce 2 Years ago cause his dad was sick. He has been living with me and my kids for the past 4 months. But between his busy work schedule and seeing his kids, I pretty much only see him after the 9pm hour. When he is off he is with his kids. We have probably only gone out a handful of times over the last 9 months. He says that since my divorce is not final, because my ex doesn’t want the divorce and is making it difficult, and because his ex hurt him so bad that that is why he had not fully opened up his emotions to me. He hardly ever brings his kids around me and my kids because he said thathe doesn’t want them to get attached to me and then if my divorce doesn’t go thru or if I decide to leave him he will have to explain that to his kids. Do I believe that the whole divorce thing is really what is holding him back. He has a really hard time showing his emotions since his divorce. He was with her for 20 years. I have never wanted so badly for someone to say they love me…I don’t understand how he can’t love me. Is he just using me cause he is comfortable with what we have and has a place to stay, someone to take care of him and wash his clothes?. Please help me!!

  175.  #175Rose on November 8, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    Thank you rori, love Rose x

  176.  #176Jordan on November 10, 2012 at 6:33 am

    Oh yes! Glad to have found this blog 🙂
    My boyfriend is able to make time to use Facebook but is hasn’t replied to my texts. How should i handle this?

  177.  #177Rori Raye on November 10, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Jordan – Why is he your boyfriend if he doesn’t communicate with you regularly? Sounds like a man you’d “date” – but not lock yourself in as a girlfriend. Love, Rori

  178.  #178Cindy on November 10, 2012 at 9:42 am

    Hi Rori….I posted a situation a few days ago….I really need your advice…I’m going crazy….please look back and give me your opinion….

  179.  #179Jordon on November 10, 2012 at 10:11 am

    Hmmm..you have point Rori. He doesn’t talk to me regularly at all…he texts every few days..Sometimes can go 7 days without contacting me :0 So should i dump him is what your saying?

  180.  #180Rori Raye on November 10, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Jordon – !!!!! This is not about dumping a perfectly good man! It’s about not having EXPECTATIONS, it’s about having a conversation with him about the level of “contact” you need in order to be a “girlfriend” – it’s about knowing what you want, and with total confidence stating it. And it’s about ALWAYS Circular Dating to keep up your confidence – CDing is NOT about DATING – read about it here. Love, Rori

  181.  #181Jordon on November 10, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    Ohhh okay I understand now 🙂 Thank youuuuu…you are doing a fantastic job Rori. Lots of love, Jordon xxxx

  182.  #182Jen on November 11, 2012 at 2:37 am

    Not saying these tactics aren’t true and don’t work. But as you look for ways to change also educate yourself at the same time. RELATIONSHIP ABUSE resembles so many of the traits that these men display. Only you know the real truth. Google Relationship Abuse. If you see yourself in what you read, then LEAN BACK, and use the “I Feel” expressions Rori gave us to “feel” yourself in a better place and situation. NO amount of love can stop or heal an abuser until he acknowledges it for himself and puts forth the effort. It is noted, that the abuser doesn’t even realize what they are doing because its subconsciously done and the abused doesn’t either. It’s so small & minimal, but over time the emotional abuse, punishment, isolation, blame, guilt has the ability to suck the self esteem from the most confident of persons. Imagine someone taking $5 out of your pocket every payday. You don’t even realize that it’s gone. 10 years later they have $30,000 in an account that they have deposited “your” money into. RELATIONSHIP ABUSE is the same thing, only with every situation, you loose a little piece of yourself till you don’t even recognize yourself any more.

    I’m all for working it out & finding solutions, but the only solution to ending abuse is to love yourself enough to be totally and brutally honest with yourself.

  183.  #183Jess on November 11, 2012 at 10:53 am

    How can I create emotional attachment and reach the heart of my partner?

  184.  #184Michelle on November 11, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Hi there.. Well I’ve been dating my ex again & got back together after I fell in love with him again. However he gets snappy & is not passionate.He is diabetic & has high blood pressure. A week ago I cooked him dinner like always & he playfully twisted my hands as a reaction I backhanded his n###. Honestly not hard. Tried to apologize but he left anyways & cussed me out. He gets like that easily anyways so I just let him go this time & haven’t been speaking to him since but a dumb text sent me since then complaining I hurt him then he got drunk w his friend & too hungover to go to work in time. I really love him but that last episode did me in. I haven’t told him how I feel cause I feel like it won’t matter anyway. I have some if his stuff so hell be back for them. He called me late afternoon on my 1 day off but I missed the call. He then texted me & I said I was at the mall spoiling myself for the day ttyl. No response. The next day I texted him from work that I was off early. No response again. That was thurs today is sun & he’s at work. I feel like if he can’t acknowledge me in a text then y bother trying. Just feels like another 1 if his tantrums. So I’m ready to let go…again. I’m jus wondering am I giving up to ez or not being fair? I’m sure he’s mad cause I didn’t call him eventho I texted him but I needed time to myself. I’m not sure what to say when he does get his stuff. Do I stay quiet & accept that he won’t change & move on or do I tell him how I feel & give him a chance. We haven’t broke up were jus fighting basically & it’s just been 1 week like this as of today.

  185.  #185Rori Raye on November 11, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Jess, you came to the right place, and the answers and discussion and help are here – read all you can, get my ebook (over in the sidebar, just click on the book cover), and participate here. We’ll all help you. Love, Rori

  186.  #186Rori Raye on November 11, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    Michelle – you’re not going to like this – please don’t read if you don’t want to hear what I have to say: This sounds so very young. Actually, immature. And not just him, but you, too. Fighting in this way means you don’t have the skills to communicate in any other way, a way that would enhance your relationship instead of degrade it. Please start with my ebook (over in the sidebar, just click on the book Have The Relationship You Want cover) and learn to say your truth in Feeling Messages. Also, it sounds like you don’t know how to “play” – or at least not how to play with HIM. There’s so much anger and blame going on, you can’t have any real clarity. Any man who gets too drunk at night to go to work the next day – okay, I see it on TV and in the movies, and once in a great while with a tragic happening, I get it – but over this? You have to get the skills to have a real, mature, communicative relationship FIRST – and then a man follows along. Love, Rori

  187.  #187victoria on November 11, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    hi there
    This is my first time on your blog Rori and reading advice you give us woman makes me happy. Gladly i found this blog for advice; my husband and i have been married for two months things been going well however just yesthurday my husband and i went out to eat at a restaurant with kareokee music. Getting to the point my husband went to the restroom and me and hes sister were eating and i wanted to sing a song so i asked the dj for a song but i don’t know how things got misunderstood . When he got back from the restroom he asked me where did you go beautiful and i said i wanted to sing a song so i asked the dj to put a song for me to sing. From there hes attitude change he ignored me so i left outside and cried. Hes been mad at me and i dont know what to do i didnt do nothing wrong i feel like its my fault. i apologize and nothing seem to work try to talk to him and nothing please give me advice in what to do.

  188.  #188Rori Raye on November 12, 2012 at 8:32 am

    victoria – This is hard for me to understand. Are you saying that this is the FIRST and ONLY time he’s shut you out like this? Or is this something he does often? I don’t get what you could possibly have to apologize for. In order for any relationship to work – there has to be communication. If he doesn’t want to talk – I’d give him SPACE first thing – stop trying to make it all better. Give him a chance to show up, and if he doesn’t – we’ll help you put together a “script.” BAsically you need to say something like – “I love you, and I don’t know what’s wrong, and I’m feeling lonely and disconnected, and open communication feels so important to me, and I’d appreciate knowing what’s wrong between us.” Love, Rori

  189.  #189Gemma on November 12, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Hi Rori, my boyfriend is pulling away and I don’t know why. How should i bring him closer again? Please help.

  190.  #190Rori Raye on November 12, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Gemma, Hi – It…depends. It depends on how long you’ve been his “girlfriend” – how long you were “dating” before that – and what’s actually going on. Sorry to be so fuzzy – and often it’s all in the details. If you’d like to try coaching around “attraction” – which, along with “safety” and “feeling appreciated” are the biggies for a man, I totally recommend Dominique http://www.sexandheart.com and several other coaches. Love, Rori

  191.  #191Gemma on November 12, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Ive been his girlfriend for 3 and a half years. He told me he loved me & he wants to marry me. An then a few days later…is kind of keeping his distance…not talking to me as much etc. I don’t know what to make of the situation :s

  192.  #192Rori Raye on November 12, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    Gemma – 3 years is a long time to just…pull away. Do you have the ability to speak to him next time he calls (don’t call him…) and share “I feel kind of weirded out (or your own words) and disconnected from you. I love how you are, and whatever’s going on, it would feel better to know why we’re not talking or seeing each other so often….” Then, depending on what he says…you get back here and we’ll help you put together a game plan. Get the ebook for starters – it will help you so much! Love, Rori

  193.  #193Lolita on November 12, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    My boyfriend and I got very close…and all of a sudden, he started to withdraw. He said weird things like “he did want me to expect anything of him”, “people will disappoint you”, “he wasn’t sure about our relationship” and other negative things. So, I decided that we should not be exclusive until he could make up his mind. I admit, I did have sex with him twice, but I casually dated two other people (with whom I did not have sex or even kiss). He knew about this and at first, said it was okay and he didn’t blame me for not wanting to wait around for him to decide. One afternoon, just before I was getting ready to shower and go out on a date, he popped in to see me. He got the vibe I was going out and left. Unfortunately, he came back at midnight, shortly after I returned from the theatre with my date. I invited the date in for a cup of tea…and he wouldn’t leave until 1:00! My boyfriend did a drive by check up on me and FREAKED out, accusing me of sleeping with the guy. He now says that my question about going to dinner with other people seemed “hypothetical” and he didn’t really think I would. Now, he’s angry, sad, disappointed and says I broke his heart and he says we’re over. This was not what I wanted. What do I do….Part of me feels like I really messed things up but the other part says he is just realizing what he could lose and will come around in a couple of weeks. Advice, please! Do I let him think about it and call me or do I call him? I don’t want to apologize….he’s the one who had all the doubts, said it was okay to date other people. He was breaking my heart with his indecisiveness and coldness.

  194.  #194Jas on November 13, 2012 at 1:41 am

    Dear Rori,

    I’m feeling very heart broken right now. Just had a fight over the phone with my boyfriend of 3 years and now he is ignoring me. I could not control my emotions and anger and blasted at him over the phone knowing that he had no plans to meet me that night. I was upset because he has not been making plans to see me on weekdays ( not even text or phone call). So seeing each other on weekends is very important to me. He said he’s stressed about his work cos he has to rush to complete his work to hand in to the client. I understand but I could not help it and flared at him still. I feel as though he’s not interested in me as much as before. Cos he used to want to meet me almost daily. I’m not saying that he has to meet me everyday, just that I would be happy with a daily 5 mins phone call at least. I tried to talk to him and to tell him wat I want, but got no response from him. He will keep silent and try to end the conversation and I will never get an answer. I really don’t know wat to do anymore. I feel like I’m the caused of why he’s treating me like this. Cos I allow myself to stay over at his place over the weekend and this has become a routine? I’m just worried that he no longer loves me anymore because he did mention that my ‘complaints’ / behaviour makes him feel ‘turned off’ – wat he said really hurts me. And his On off contact during weekdays really upset me. Please help Me Rori, wat can I do to save this relationship ? Or is there no hope at all??

    Many thx.

  195.  #195Rori Raye on November 13, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    Jas – You’re not going to like this – but I believe you’re here to hear the truth – here’s your answer: “he did mention that my ‘complaints’ / behaviour makes him feel ‘turned off’ ” Everything you wrote here in this comment – how you “blasted him” – how you want so much and call him to tell him what you want – This is about the fastest way possible to turn a man off. I don’t know how old you are – but maturity is the key here, and learning the skills to communicate with a man even when you’re feeling angry and frustrated in a way that attracts him. Please read everything here and get the ebook if you can…Love, Rori

  196.  #196Rori Raye on November 13, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    Lolita – BRAVA to YOU! Whatever would you want with such an immature man as a ‘boyfriend”? If he’s not happy just ‘dating” you – then he has to step up. This is EXACTLY how you do it. It would be great if you could express to him what you want and expect in a boyfriend – really down to the nitty gritty – how much contact by phone, etc, what ‘withdrawal” means to you and looks like to you, and that you’re not interested in playing games or doing that hot/cold dance, and that if he isn’t ready for a real relationship, that’s fine, and you really, really like him, and don’t want to explore having a serious relationship with a man who isn’t “sure” about the relationship. Love, Rori

  197.  #197Lolita on November 13, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    You were 100% right! Usually after we have a disagreement, he has to retreat into his shell for a day before he can talk freely about what happened. But, the day after he saw my date’s car in my driveway, he was texting his little fingers off! I used the language you suggested, “when you withdraw and get quiet, I feel insecure”, “It makes me feel so happy when we can be close and communicate”. He started texting about how HE feels…a man texting about how HE feels…amazing. The “I can’t wait for you to step up” woke him right up. Now, he says he has a plan for making things better. WOW….IT’S MAGIC! I will give him a week or so and let you know what happens.

  198.  #198Violet on November 14, 2012 at 11:18 am

    So I am in a difficult situation, Newly dating a guy about 4 months but he is gone a lot an lives in a different city. Recently went away for the weekend had an amazing time, about a week after the trip I started noticing him distancing, I confronted him this last week, why is it every time I ask to spend time you distance yourself. I told him please just tell me if its over dont leave me in limbo.. Nothing then the following day I through a jab of an email at him, he then responded and told me he would be in touch in a day to discuss my concerns.. I was like why not now? I have heard nothing, I have pulled completely back no phone calls and no text messages. I really like him and everyone around me is like just be done with him. I hat the frustration of not knowing what happened. He was pursuing me like crazy and then fell completely off the radar as soon as I realized it was me pursuing him I questioned him. How can a relationship go south so quickly. And as dumb and nieve as it sounds I enjoyed him and I want him back. what do you suggest I do? Step away and see if he comes to me?

  199.  #199Andrea on November 14, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Hi Rori…
    I am new to this page. Just wondering…I have been dating exclusively my bf for 10 months. He stays over my house 5 or 6 nights a week. He has a lot of female friends on facebook. What bothers me is sometimes the girls will say something kinda flirty to him. Most of them don’t see him often and probably don’t know about me. I wish he would puta message or something up to let these girls know about me. He says he doesn’t put his business out there heoids drama. But it really bothers me. I get jealous and untrusting because I have been cheates on before. Should I just let it go. He gets annoyed at my jealousy sometimes . He always has lots of these girls trying to play games on the phone with him. That bothers me too. He says they are just friends. He was a ladies man when he was younger that is why he has all these girls contacting him. He says he is not like that anymore. He cares about me….what do u think?

  200.  #200Rori Raye on November 14, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    Andrea – I think that this is all up to you. This sounds okay to me – just ‘chatting” and “friendly-like” – but that doesn’t mean YOU have to like it. Life and love is about choosing. If this isn’t what you want, then leave it. I wouldn’t ask him to change. There are plenty of men who aren’t chatty – they may not be interesting to you – but there are choices here. Your jealousy and drama around this, though – is what could do damage if you lose your sense of humor and can’t talk to him straight. Love, Rori

  201.  #201Rori Raye on November 14, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    Violet – this isn’t a game. He lost interest. I’m not saying he lost interest because you became over-eager and less attractive to him – but that’s possible. It’s also possible he decided you just weren’t “the one.” It happens like that. Please consider it a lesson for you, as motivation to get my ebook and practice the tools, and Circular Date. Love, Rori

  202.  #202victoria on November 14, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    hey Rori it was something he would often do i guess you can say small things bother him but luckily we talk things out i gave him spaced and focused on myself and he came to me with a hug and we ended working things out. I still have few concern since his the type that gets upset over small things so i have to be careful with what i do or say. What can i do to provoke him from getting mad or upset.
    thank you

  203.  #203sandra on November 16, 2012 at 2:57 am

    Dear Rori
    I am enjoying reading your page here this morning instead of doing my work.. I have a problem with the guy Ive been dating for 6 months, he was the one did all the chasing and all the falling for me , he has been wanting to go out with me for years and when I became single he made his move and he really went for me in a sweet way and when he got me he fell for me. I ended up saying the same things back to him because I felt so safe and happy with this lovely guy. I have to add hes a smart guy hes not great looking and at 43 has only had one gf and that was a long time ago. Anyway I need to pull back because hes gone so away from me the last few weeks Im noticing it. Okay he has been unwell, had a hectic work load etc but is that all. He still texts me he loves me and he wants me etc but its not the way he was before and he has only been to see me once in the last ten days. I know he has a big worKload and to be fair the last time he came to see me he hadbeen awake 24 hours. I do look good and I know he really finds me attractive and I am always good to be with , he loves being with me, but this pulling away thing is bugging me. I have stopped texting hi first but I hate it, I never call him anyway I always let hi call me and I never go to his place I always wait till he comes to me. My question is when he calls or texts me and I ignore him I just feel like i manipulating him, he doesnt do that deliberately to me but he does it because hes busy and im no longer priority, he knows im there when he wants me so he doesnt have to bother. How long do I have to ‘be mean’ to him before I can go back to being the loving gf he wanted to be with in the first place.

  204.  #204Rori Raye on November 16, 2012 at 8:45 am

    sandra – you don’t have to “do” anything! It takes men the time it takes them to decide if you’re ‘the one’ or if they’re even ready or WANT a serious, long-term or lifelong relationship. When they’re not sure, they pull away. Your job is to NEVER get exclusive until a man has truly made up his mind, and sometimes you don’t know that until you’re at your own wedding….Read everything you can here. Love, Rori

  205.  #205Andrea on November 16, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Thanks Rori…it makes sense. He tells me that he cares, he has his own ways of showing me he cares….he stays over every night unless his kids are spending the night with him…we have been together 10 months….although he has yet to say he loves me.I’ve been trying not to stress about it. But he still doesn’t bring his kids around me much. It hurts my feelings a little. How should one deal with that.?

  206.  #206sandra on November 16, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Thank you Rori, I guess I just thought he had made up his mind, he told me I was the only woman he has ever fallen for and that he wanted me to be with him full time one day, he even said the word ‘wife’ ! So I felt safe to love him back. He still tells me he loves me but my heart keeps feeling crushed like today he was picking up cattle at a farm near mine and he never told me yet before he would have asked if i wanted to come along for the rde. He did tell me later and i didnt react I just felt so hurt inside.I know Im the only woman he feels love for or wants in his life but hes not missing me like I miss him but he used to and im hurting a lot. Ill read as much as I can but no way i can date other men when im with him id feel i was cheaing and he would be upset as he trusts me

  207.  #207Jordon on November 17, 2012 at 10:15 am

    “Your job is to NEVER get exclusive until a man has truly made up his mind, and sometimes you don’t know that until you’re at your own wedding….”

    Haha well said Rori, I like this 😉 xxx

  208.  #208Kristen on November 17, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    Hi Rori,

    My boyfriend hasn’t called for 5 days. Should I send him a text or wait for him to call/text? :/

  209.  #209Rori Raye on November 17, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    Kristen – it depends on what you mean by “boyfriend.” If it were me, I’d text “?” In my book, 5 days without contact means you’re “dating” – not exclusive. Love, Rori

  210.  #210patricia on November 18, 2012 at 6:03 am

    Help! I have been in a relationship for almost a year. He knows that I am in love with him, but he will not tell me he loves me. It causes a lot of problems because I question his intentions. I asked him last night if he is capable of loving me….he was hurt very badly before. He said he didn’t know what he is capable of. I am 38, I don’t want to waste time on someone who after a year still can’t say he loves me. But we get along so great and have so much fun together otherwise. I don’t know what to do.

  211.  #211Rori Raye on November 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    patricia – you have choices here. You have power. Please don’t go into questioning yourself or worrying – make a plan. Get a coach if you need to – and please start with my ebook – it’ll help you to create an atmosphere with him where he’s more LIKELY to get more deeply ATTACHED to you, and more ATTRACTED to you. As time goes on in a relationship that doesn’t have a commitment – keeping up the attraction is crucial.

    Just look at what’s happening – how often do you see him, how often do you talk when you’re not with each other, what does he call you when he introduces you to friends or at parties, has he ever talked about children (if that’s what your sense of urgency is about), has he ever talked about marriage and family. And most important – WHY are you exclusively involved? Words are not the point here. If he loves you, he’ll show it in other ways, and words aren’t his way. This is a “Love Language” thing – and it’s something you may need to just let go of. Set a timeline for yourself, Circular Date in a conversational way so you keep your spirits up, and invest in the relationship by working to open yourself up, create safety and thrills in the relationship, and generally bring him closer with your openness and vulnerability. Love, Rori

  212.  #212amelia on November 18, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    I need some help. My partner Is being very cold towards me. Answering me using one word or two words. I really dont know what I’ve done or said. We was fine a few days ago

  213.  #213Noone on November 18, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    I don’t know how you guys do it, It seems like there’s no way I can ignore him back, because I keep thinking that at the end of the day, a man gotto do what he’s gotto do. My boyfriend is super busy. He’s a successful businessman, operating not one but several businesses. He would go weeks without calling or texting. I tried to find out if he’s married, I didn’t find anything, This is the second time I’ve try to leave him, but He begged me not to. I am deeply in love with him. I don’t know what to do. I tried to ignore him like you guys are trying to explain, but when I do, for example if he calls I don’t pick up, when I return his call, he doesn’t pick up, and that may go for hours or a day.

    Sometimes, I feel like dating other people, but I prefer to leave him and date someone else. I don’t know how to leave him at this point.

    It’s been a year and I haven’t met anybody in his family. I asked him when he’s gonna meet my family, he said very soon.

    I know that I will leave once I get enough of it, but it’s been a year, and I’m still trying to be patient. I’m 30 years old and he is 42.

    Sorry, I know I’m rambling. There’s so much more I could write on here because this relationship thing is driving me crazy.

  214.  #214Rori Raye on November 18, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    Noone – I know we’ll all help you here – and from what I can tell, this is what I call an “Imaginary Relationship.” The fact that your’e willing to be exclusive with this man sounds incredibly self-defeating to me. Please learn all you can here about Circular Dating. Love, Rori

  215.  #215Rori Raye on November 18, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    amelia – I don’t know how to give you advice without details – so please get the ebook, work with the Tools and see if anything changes quickly. Love, Rori

  216.  #216Lolita on November 18, 2012 at 7:35 pm


    This is feedback from my Nov. 13 post. I complained that my guy was talking negative and I started circular dating which immediately brought him to his senses. I just wanted to let you know that he has been at my house every night since! Friday and Saturday he took me to dinner; the other nights I cooked or we got take out. He really opened up to me also, explaining some of his actions were based on fear of being hurt and/or left. I explained what my expectations are and it seems to be working! THANK YOU, RORI!

  217.  #217sandra on November 18, 2012 at 11:58 pm

    Noone you should just text him, I am fed up with all the advice all over the internet about not getting in touch with them, all guys are different and my one is for sure, last night I was getting myself so upset waiting for him to text so I sent one wee text with 4 xxs on it and he called me straight back then spent an hour on the phone with me just chatting then texted me after and I ended up meeting him, like your man hes super busy and works 24 7 round the clock, anyway we made out and he loved it and texted me all the drive home about how much he loves me etc so Im happy and hes happy and thats all that counts, why sit around feeling miserable if you know he loves you just text him ! x

  218.  #218sandra on November 19, 2012 at 7:34 am

    As an add on this morning he texted me first thing and wanted to call by because he had some work related stuff to pick up so because I had been ‘nice’ and given him a good time and he liked it I breezed that I had to go out early [ I didnt] and I left anyway so I woulldnt be there when he called by, this for me is how I train my horses I give and take, so I gave and then I took by not being there but did it in a light happy way. Next he was calling me and texting me from his work to tell me he loved me and I wouldnt have got my power back if I hadnt decided to text him first so it doesnt always apply to every kind of man, use your judgement x

  219.  #219kimberly ck on November 19, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    Ok here is my scenerio.
    Ibve been dating my guy for a little over a year. He chased me for 18months or so.
    And i finally started seeing him after he showed me the kind of man he is. Neither of us dates anyone else and consider ourselves in a relatinship.
    My onlu issue ive has is the past week or so he did the no call or text for 8days!!
    I cant lie i was worried…then hurt… then angry.
    Now when he did finally calls he give an excuse ext ext. He apologized and we just kind of
    Went on about our day.

    Now we fell right back into our reg routine but im still angry!!
    He text today and i didnt even respond.
    I wanted.to kind of pull away so he will snap back. Im.not going to put forth effort. I want him to go back to the pursing like he did in.the past.
    Is this wrong? Am i being childish?
    I have ALOT of hurt from my pass and i am working with a counsler on my issues. So sometimes i have a hard time not over reaction or not being sure what im.feeling.

  220.  #220Loulou on November 20, 2012 at 3:25 am

    Heyy I been with my fella for 10 months, we are best friends and our relationship is full of laughter and we very much enjoy each others company. Despite all this his ex has been TRYING to cause trouble, we fell out yesterday because he thinks I don’t believe him. He has moved out. I have texted him. He tells me he loves me but he still is very angry thinking I don’t trust him.. I want him to come home, but shall I carry on texting him how I feel or leave it a couple days? I really don’t want to lose him and I know he loves and adores me so much.. 🙁

  221.  #221Rori Raye on November 20, 2012 at 10:13 am

    LouLou – STep DOWN and step BACK!! Chasing a man NEVER works!!!! What you need to do now is learn some skills so you don’t argue with a man and “fall out” – Love, Rori

  222.  #222Rori Raye on November 20, 2012 at 10:21 am

    kimberly – I would not label what you’re doing “childish” – but it certainly is not authentic. You’re playing games, putting out an agenda – and that will NOT work. Either you trust him and believe he told you the truth about those 8 missing days, and you forgive him completely and have moved on – or you don’t trust him and haven’t forgiven him. This is YOUR decision. 100%. He can’t take it back. He can’t undo it. What needs to happen is you saying that contact is important to you. That you’re a little high-maintenance that way – like ANY girl! – and letting him know what feels good to you, and what you don’t want. If he’s not where he was in terms of contact and calling – perhaps he’s feeling “wrong” and therefore not as attracted to you. Read everything you can here, get the ebook, and start practicing creating safety. In my book – this is such a small thing – unless there was something more to it that involves a lie – and what counts is what he does NOW. Your “regular routine after 1 year should be seeing each other often – likely 3 days and nights a week, being called his “girlfriend” even if you haven’t agreed to exclusivity, and feeling good about where this is sitting. Love, Rori

  223.  #223Loulou on November 20, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Thank you.. He’s coming round tomorrow night for dinner.. I’m really nervous even though I’ve cooked for him for the past 10 months.. His insecurity is trust and mine is reassurance due to a failed cheating marriage.. Surely there’s a middle ground somewhere x

  224.  #224Loulou on November 20, 2012 at 10:44 am

    Thank you.He’s coming round tomorrow night for dinner. I’m really nervous even though I’ve cooked for him for the past 10 months. His insecurity is trust and mine is reassurance due to a failed cheating marriage. Surely there’s a middle ground somewhere x

  225.  #225Rea on November 20, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Hi rori
    I’ve been noticing a sort of Jekyll and Hyde complex with my man. Some days he’s great and treats me how he did when we started dating he calls me beautiful.. Hugs me.. Kisses me. It’s great. Other days he’s total distant. He seems almost angry at me yet when I try to talk to him he shuts down and walks away. He won’t kiss me or touch me and he’ll just leave me alone and ignore me while he laughs and jokes with other people. He asked me to move in with him but I’m not sure what to do cause I don’t want living together to be the end of us. I love him I’m just so confused. What do I do? Do I bring up how I’m feeling? I don’t even know how to bring it up I’m scared hell just shut down and walk away.

  226.  #226Rori Raye on November 20, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    Rea – it’s nearly impossible to be in a relationship with a man you’re scared of. Love, Rori

  227.  #227lost kitty on November 20, 2012 at 10:07 pm

    Hi Well me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 yrs. We also live together and and have a dog together. A pretend child Lol anyways I am an Aquarius and he is an Aries… our communication isn’t the best but it’s hard to Deal with an arrogant and know -it-all individual.. he does love me and shows it it odd ways… his family loves me and he tells everyone I will be his wife….when he drinks he is more affectionate but when sober he tends time put up this wall.this wall pushes me away and makes me think he is no longer in love with me……what should I do cause I sure don’t know how to break down this wall that he puts up sometimes.

  228.  #228Rori Raye on November 21, 2012 at 8:24 am

    lost kitty – You break down his wall by softening yours first! Read everything you can here, and start with the ebook…Love, Rori

  229.  #229Lena on November 22, 2012 at 4:06 am

    Hi Rory,

    I emailed you on another one of your articles. I hope its ok to post here too. I really like this guy and he liked me but needed time to sort his life out before ( work place to live, he is not from my country)he could dedicate himself to more than dating. We hungout alot and made out a lot but that stopped when he said he needed time and we remained friends. Then he stopped contact cause I over text of course. I didnt give him space and totally didnt get the message he needed time :((( i have a few family issues ( serious illness and death) and i suffere with anxiety so it makes me extremely compulsive. I am working on this but i know this made me blow it with him totally. We sat nxt to each other on the way to work two days in a row this week( no seats left on the tram) but we didnt speak a word. How do i recover this and my dignity. I know i cant txt anymore and i have deleted all his information.

  230.  #230Lena on November 22, 2012 at 4:09 am

    Hi Rory,
    I emailed you on another one of your articles. I hope its ok to post here too. I really like this guy and he liked me but needed time to sort his life out before ( work place to live, he is not from my country)he could dedicate himself to more than dating. We hungout alot and made out a lot but that stopped when he said he needed time and we remained friends. Then he stopped contact cause I over text of course. I didnt give him space and totally didnt get the message he needed time :((( i have a few family issues ( serious illness and death) and i suffere with anxiety so it makes me extremely compulsive. I am working on this but i know this made me blow it with him totally. We sat nxt to each other on the way to work two days in a row this week( no seats left on the tram) but we didnt speak a word. How do i recover this and my dignity. I know i cant txt anymore and i have deleted all his information.

  231.  #231Kylie on November 22, 2012 at 6:05 am

    My boyfriend keeps asking me to borrow him money all the time. I don’t know how to say no without offending him. Any advice rori?

  232.  #232Rori Raye on November 22, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Kylie – sounds to me like this is how it’s going to be as long as you’re with him. It’s your choice whether or not this turns you off or feels okay. Love, Rori

  233.  #233Kylie on November 23, 2012 at 6:02 am

    It is a MASSIVE turn off when he asks me for money. However I Love him deeply. Is there a way I could approach the sitution and communicate with him that it is unfair for him to keep asking to borrow money, and he never seems to return the money I give him.

  234.  #234sandra on November 23, 2012 at 8:39 am

    eventually it will turn you off so much that you wont love him anymore and you will leave him or ask him to leave and no amount of pleading will make you take him back. There is always a stage when you say enough is enough x

  235.  #235lilly on November 23, 2012 at 11:39 am

    My Boyfriends Facebook Status is Single and had loads of female friends. Should I ask him to change it to “in a relationship” ?

  236.  #236Lena on November 23, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    Hi again, can someone give me some advice on my above post please 🙁

  237.  #237April on November 23, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    Hi okay so I so read your thoughts about ignoring your man…. my husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years.. we were that couples that fell in love instantly and got married.. I love him. and I know that he loves me but. he has personal self esteem issues from. being younger and he just got a I really think that he is ignoring my text and it really hurts me he claims that he loves metextwonderful job working offshore… besides that

  238.  #238April on November 23, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    Rory this is wonderful ware you going to help me too.. it seems you have a lot of good advice for these women… I have my mother in friends but I feel like I don’t always want to talk to them about me and my husbands issues heis great job and now he’s finally the 1 that will be able to provide for us…. and it’s like going to his head and feel that he can’t even return my call or text me when I call him

  239.  #239April on November 23, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    We havehad fidelity issues in the past..I knowin my hearthe has never physically cheated but has emotionally …so of course I carry this with me..I dateda man for15 years beforewe met…he lived three states away the first monthh I had sex with my ex..he askedme to marry him..and that was when I told my now husband about my ex…that unfortuntly set the tone forourmarriage

  240.  #240April on November 23, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    I know we love eachother. Will our marriage survive ?

  241.  #241April on November 23, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    Ok so I was ovetfunctioning” texting which on turn was pushing him away..so I am going to ignore him…I will keep u posted….

  242.  #242April on November 23, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    Still nothing from him and I haven’t text him like I said in previous comment…its not easy …he went out of town to get picked for which boat he will be working on…so I understand he is busy but no word no reply since noon…I texted 3 texts since 5pm…the last text was at 7

  243.  #243Rori Raye on November 24, 2012 at 11:05 am

    April – I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing, and this is a very challenging situation involving long distance. I don’t understand why he’s not texting or calling you regularly – but you say he texted or called you at noon? And you’re frantically texting him 5 hours later? Clearly your texting and calling him is not working. Have you tried email and Facebook? I would think under these circumstances, and without children he’d feel compelled to call (if that’s your situation…) that once every 2-3 days would be normal or most men. the question is – how long is he going to be away, and how are you going to manage this marriage going forward? Is this something you discussed? Did you come up with a plan? Love, Rori

  244.  #244Rori Raye on November 24, 2012 at 11:12 am

    lilly, In my world, it’s simply not possible for a man to simultaneously be “single” AND a “boyfriend.” Loads of female friends is another thing entirely, and entirely your choice about if that’s okay with you. I’ve seen tons of teenaged and college-aged boys with lots of female friends – but only ONE girlfriend, who he treats and relates to COMPLETELY differently than he does the other women who are “friends.”

    I wouldn’t ask him to change anything! You could ask him if he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you and post that on facebook, or if you’ve made an assumption of exclusivity and should keep your options open – but I wouldn’t do that yet. I’d simply consider that you’re dating, take the ‘boyfriend” label out of your mind, and Circular Date WITHOUT actually dating. To get help with that, get my Targeting Mr. right program (after you’ve worked with the ebook) and read everything you can here. Love, Rori

  245.  #245Lilly on November 24, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Your sooo great Rori…thank you for your prompt reply. I see what your saying. But we are in an Exclusive Relationship. He told me I’m the one for him and wants to get married to me. He treats me like his girlfriend no doubt….I just don’t know why he hasn’t changed his status on facebook :/ Its starting to bother me now. I really want to ask him…but i don’t know how to address the situation. Can you give me a script i can use?

  246.  #246Rori Raye on November 24, 2012 at 9:42 pm

    Lilly – if you have an exclusive agreement….”Sweetie, something’s bothering me, and I don’t want to stuff it down. It feels important to me to get everything out in the open. If we’re in an exclusive relationship – I’m wondering why you’re still single on Facebook? I’m feeling jealous of all the women who flock to you…I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to do…I just wanted to let you know how I was feeling…” Love, Rori

  247.  #247Marcella on November 25, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Rori, I’ve been dating this guy for almost a month, he lives and hour and a half from me so that complicates things. Things were going great we got along he was always talking to me, he told me he likes me but to be patient because he’s not good at this. He’s affectionate when we do get to see each other and everything seemed fine. Until a few days ago he hasn’t really been talking to me, I asked him if something was wrong and. he said “he’s been busy, its tough with the distance and he’ll try to be more verbal and sometimes he just needs a little kick start. So we carried on some conversation and then it stopped later that night I told him he should download skype so we can see each other he replied “nope” that was last night and I haven’t heard from him since. Should I just ignore him IF he even contacts me or should I express how I’m feeling again?

  248.  #248Rori Raye on November 25, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    Marcella, dating is just dating, and it doesn’t sound like this guy has a fire in his belly for you – Please Circular Date! Love, Rori

  249.  #249Kizzy on November 26, 2012 at 3:33 am

    Hi Rori,
    My husband and I have be married for 9 months now and I am already feeling a if I want out. He gets upset with me for almost anything I say then he ignores me for days. If I don’t apologize he doesn’t speak to me. I am losing my passion for him. We are not very intimate which its making me feel very unattractive. When he’s upset he doesn’t want to be around me. I feel as though he is staying for financial reasons (he pays a lot in child support). We have two kids together and I would like to work things out but I do not want to walk on egg shells for our entire marriage. One reason I fell so deeply in love with him was our ability to work through our problems and now that he’s shutting down every few days make me not want to stay with him. Please advise. Thank you.

  250.  #250Rori Raye on November 26, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Kizzy – this seems like a classic situation for good marriage counseling, if he’s willing. Try Orna and Matthew Walters at http://www.creatingloveonpurpose.com, or google around for a John Gottman trained counselor (get a man, so your husband feels more heard and comfortable). ooo – I forgot Todd Creager – he’s fabulous. http://www.toddcreager.com.

    And this very minute, before you do anything else and before you panic – please start with my ebook (click on the book over in the sidebar) – that’s the basis of everything, and if you really learn how to use those Tools and practice them continually – you may see a complete turnaround in days….Let us know. Love, Rori

  251.  #251Pippa on November 26, 2012 at 11:36 am

    My boyfriend always wants me to call him; Instead of him calling me. How do i deal with this?

  252.  #252Rori Raye on November 26, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    Pippa, Welcome, and have you asked him why he wants you to initiate phone calls? Love, Rori

  253.  #253Gwen on November 27, 2012 at 12:26 am

    Hi Rori,

    Me and my Boyfriend has been together for 9 months now and from the beginning there has been the ex girlfriend problem where he stated that she will be a very important person in his life and no one will changes that. We fought about it but then i just accepted it. But now we have a new ongoing problem which he claims that i dont open up to him and he has no idea who i am and that he doesnt know me. He then mock and rage at me telling me to then forget what he has said that he is fine after getting it out. i was so hurt that i was in tears, he apologised but i requested timeout for a day. 2 days later we met up to discuss improvement in our relationship and he said he doesnt know whether he wish to be in it. Not that he does not love me but we cant communicate. I was so confused because he asked me to forgive him and said he missed me alot. then he goes all cold and sarcastic & continue to say that im making things so complicated now that i want to act like everything is normal. i ask him then tell me what is wrong and he say he is happy and everything is fine. I dont know what to do and i dont want to break up i cant eat or sleep now and im just tumbling when i talk to him. Please tell me what to do. Thank you

  254.  #254Gwen on November 27, 2012 at 1:33 am

    Hi Rori

    I forgot to add that for the past 9 months it has always been him doing the chasing and putting in the effort and when i dont like something i will just ignore him or give him the cold shoulder but now it seems like he doesn’t care any more and the role has been reverse and i now seem so clinging and needing him and his attention. should i give him the mirroring effort and playing ignoring again?

  255.  #255Rori Raye on November 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    Gwen – You sound very young to me, and I can’t even respond to you unless you’re 18. So I’ll be very general, here: Love is supposed to feel good, be fun, and help us grow and develop as people. If that’s not happening – first you work on yourself to shift what you can to make your own experience of this life more happy and joyful and easy (learning better communication skills, how to relax and be yourself, opening up emotionally and spiritually to the world in general and friends and lovers in particular, and then you make decisions and choices about the kind of people you wish to spend time with. In my world, there is no such thing that would “make” me stay in a place that felt awful. Love, Rori

  256.  #256Rori Raye on November 27, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    To Gwen and everyone – anything that “thinks” like a game in your mind won’t work. Strategies are great for making plans for yourself. They suck in relationships. Love, Rori

  257.  #257Gwen on November 27, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Hi Rori
    Thank you for the quick response I didn’t expect you to reply me within less then 24 hours. Sorry I forgot to mention my age I am 24. Last night I try to have a discussion with him again but he insist he has nothing to say to me and we remain in the phone in silence for the next 40min. At the moment I don’t understand why he seem angry is it because I took the 1day off to think? How can he day he want to spend the rest of his life with me in Sunday and then tell me on Tuesday that he doesn’t know anymore? In between it was just the communication issue he raised but now I’m being proactive and want to solve with him and he seems distant and unwilling. He says he can live up to my expectation. Friends & familys has told me to leave him and they all tell me the same thing (though we been together for 9 minths he know of but has not met any of my friends or family officially) but I want to try and make this work but I can not do it on my own if he won’t cooperate. Our life at the moment is that he doesn’t like to interfere with my work and vise versa so we only see each other once a week that we set on or once a fortnight if we are busy. He never ask me on a date and at the moment I don’t know how to communication with him or get him to work together with me (i want me to open up to him & he agree to tey but then he gets angry & say in his mind that it will not work but if u want to try then we will try)

  258.  #258Gwen on November 27, 2012 at 5:59 pm


    I have been reading through your lessons and the videos online but I don’t know where to start. I have the urge to call him txt him now in order just to get a response from him. He just sent his good morning to me and I sent back an that was end of our conversation. I don’t want to admit but I feel so desperate now that I’m holding myself back as you have said in one of your videos. I’m trying to response when he response but I don’t like this feeling. At the moment since he told me he will be busy for the nxt few weeks I want to ask him out to the movie this weekend. Do u think this move is ok? And during the date shout I bring our matters up or just pretend everything is fine and then thank him for taking the time to come out?

    Thank you for helping me

  259.  #259Knighly on November 30, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Hi Rori,

    I love my boyfriend very much; however he always asks me to borrow him money. I refused and expressed to him how I feel “taken for granted”. I think i have deeply offended him. Am I in the wrong?

  260.  #260Rori Raye on November 30, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Knighly – money is huge in relationships. Some women don’t mind being the money person – most women do. This isn’t going to change. If you don’t like lending him money (I’m assuming giving him $5 to buy something somewhere if he’s out of cash doesn’t bother you, if it’s only very occasionally and he does nice things for you and buys you things most of the time) and not worrying about it coming back to you, and he’s not willing to honor that in the relationship and borrow from other people, end the relationship. Love, Rori

  261.  #261Raquel on December 2, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    I have been dating a guy for close to a year, I find that the more attention I give him the more he ignores me. I can’t take it anymore, how do I revive his interest in me?

  262.  #262Helen on December 4, 2012 at 9:20 pm

    Hey Rori

    In a nutshell. I just found out my boyfriend is talking to another girl on the phone. She referred to him as baby on one of her fb posts. I don’t know what to do :/ dump him?

  263.  #263Rori Raye on December 5, 2012 at 10:29 am

    Helen – ask him first what that means – use every skill you can find here to be calm and cool when you do. If he says he’s not ready for monogamy right now (make it easy for him to say the truth…) either dump him or just de-boyfriend him and date him and other men. Love, Rori

  264.  #264dan on December 6, 2012 at 9:09 am

    hi, i just want to mention. Dont think you have worked out the male race with this idea. My girlfriend ignores me. its agonizing. its like im not there. i can speak to her and she blanks me whilst fiddling with her phone. I find it very rude. It say to me that she is only interested in herself, that i bore the crap out of her, and that, if she cared at all, she would not do this. especially when, when tables are turned, she demands to be heard. temper tantrum. its soul destroying. this could make your man abhor you passionately, from my point of view, the guy that likes to be ignored excessively isnt that much of an honest guy, A user, he isnt interested in you, he just wants something. providing it isnt your boring conversation. Dont get me wrong, i agree with alot of the above. being needy so i cant breeth or think my own thoughts is hell. but theres a fine line between space and total ignorance. i came on here for help, only to find its just women complaining. so i guess i get no advice. :'(

  265.  #265Rori Raye on December 6, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    dan, I’m letting this one comment through (no men on here, it’s just become a rule…) – “Ignoring” in the context of this post is not the way you’re describing it – and what YOU need to do is “man up” and not let your girlfriend DO this kind of thing! What will turn her on is you acting like a man with personal authority – dump the neediness – you will NEVER get what you want as a man if you come from there. You need some coaching, and I encourage you to find a great male coach and listen to what he says. Love, Rori

  266.  #266lena on December 7, 2012 at 3:23 am

    Hi Rori,

    I know you are very busy, I published a question on here about two maybe three weeks ago. I noticed other questions have been answered since then and was wondering is there no hope for my “relationship” is that why i haven’t heard back.

    Sorry for being a bit forward, it’s just that nothing has improved just a birthday text from him but he keeps ignoring me in person.



  267.  #267Kris on December 9, 2012 at 8:40 am

    Hello –
    I need advice! Please help…. This coming year will be 5 years my boyfriend and I have been together. This entire year it seems we have found defending ourselves more than just being good company. We have out good days and out bad days. 5 years ago I wouldn’t imagine being where I am today after going through a separation and divorce, I remember saying I’d never trust another man and I was better off single. Well, I met someone and that someone is still here with me today. Over this time I have allowed him to meet my kids and I still wonder why he hasn’t allowed me to meet his daughter or family. I’ve invited him to meet my family, but since the gathering are alway’s on the week-ends, I always get the excuse “I have my daughter this week-end” so I stopped asking. We never really see much of each other anymore and sometimes we can go nearly over a month from seeing each other, I have had a very difficult time dealing with this. This last time I would call him and his phone would always go to voicemail and then like 2 minutes later he would call back and say he was either walking the dog, working out and didn’t hear the phone or cleaning. So, I just got to a point where I was questioning myself a lot on why and what could be going on? I thought I trusted him and never had any worries before, but now I just don’t know anymore. The last time we spoke by phone was on November 27th. Then it was a lot of back & fourth emails then that also stopped. I finally gave in and texted him Last Tuesday. We had a nice dinner on Friday and I wondered why he always says “I gotta go, I’m running late to get my daughter” I understand I will never come before his daughter as he will never come first before my own kids, but this is every week-end and when we first met it wasn’t like this. Friday when we left the restaurant he said he would call me that night… 3 – 4 hours went by and I got nothing, So I texted him & then an hour later he replies “Sorry I lost track of time, I’m full” – I was mad at that time so of course I send back something sarcastic and now we’re back to nothing. He still hasn’t called me and on Tuesday will be 2 weeks that we last actually spoke on the phone. This is driving me crazy and I just need to know what to do. I’ve tried the ignoring, but it just seems it’s getting worse. I just thought our relationship by now would of grown over all this time and instead I see us growing further and further away from each other. I try to put away my feelings, but when you been with someone this long it’s not easy. I’m 33 and he’s 41 years old. I just need some advice? Is breaking all this off really the best thing to do?


  268.  #268Rori Raye on December 9, 2012 at 11:43 am

    Kris – Please, please read your letter to me here. This relationship IS over, and has been over for quite a while, and I can’t even imagine how you are still feeling locked into it. “Boyfriends” do NOT act like this. Please stop calling him your boyfriend, get online, start dating other men and Circular Dating 100% of the time you’re out in public. You are nothing now but acquaintances having dinner, and I’d be shocked if there wasn’t another woman he’s somehow not telling you about. He is certainly considering you to be a friend and is completely unaware you think he’s your boyfriend, no matter what he says. If I’m totally wrong about these details, please let me know – and I’ll likely stick to what I say here. Lovbe, Rori

  269.  #269sandra on December 9, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    maybe he has aspergers or some other disorder ,find out before you dump him, I just found out thats what mine has and it explains a lot, doesnt make it easy though

  270.  #270Marie on December 10, 2012 at 10:22 am

    That was the best advice I have ever gotten in my entire freaking life regarding men! My guy is the poster child for the one described and am currently in the exact same scenario! This is what led me here(Google Search). Thank U sooooooooo much! I always overfunction and take it personal.

  271.  #271Phoneix on December 12, 2012 at 11:43 am

    Hi everyone
    let me start my story i know this guy online we are good friends who became best friends so i call. He is the kind of guy who cares for you and can do anything to make u happy when he is happy with me and when he is angry for a small mistake like answering back or taking his silent treatment rudely or at something else he would go without talking to me for months. when he gets back to me i give him all what i can whatever is possible from me forget what happened. I know he wont change. Im a victim of rape and when i told him abt it he supported me he was so angry with those people he wud have killed them. But once when he was angry he told, “attract them more and ask them rape me rape me” the whole 2 hour online fight where i shed tears where he treated me as dirt while i was begging please im jst hurt im sorry for nothing i did. He went away for a few days he ignored but when he spoke to me again i forgave him like nothing ever happened.
    Lot of times later if i let my bottled feelings on his silence known he keeps silent he uses his heartless sarcasm which makes me feel like dirt. Like i have no value. Yet i give all of my love for him now he considers it to be fake.
    I know i can leave him but still a part of me doesnt want to. Please help me give me some tips. I believe too much in astrology and he is a virgo. I feel too sensitive too left out.
    Please let me know how to respond to his sarcasm.
    He always makes me feel that im wrong when im only trying to convey my feelings.
    I really need the help from anyone and everyone

  272.  #272Rori Raye on December 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Phoenix, Welcome – and this man is not good for you – I can tell just by how bad you feel around him. The question is – what’s keeping you from completely walking away from him and making new friends and getting new lovers?

    Also – I’m a long-time survivor of rape and assault, too, and a counselor – and the first thing that needs to happen is for you to get some support to STOP calling yourself a “victim” of ANYTHING. You are a survivor – even a conqueror – should anyone ask. MORE than that! And you still have feelings trapped in this experience that need some help getting resolved. Please go find someone professional to talk to. And – that experience never, ever goes away out of your awareness. It’s how you integrate the experience into your life, the energy you give to it and don’t give to it, and the compassion you show yourself that counts. Same as with everything else that happens in our lives. It’s the perspective, and the work to accept and integrate and love the feelings that accompany every moment of our lives that make the difference. Love, Rori

  273.  #273Phoneix on December 12, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    Its that feeling of leaving him alone i had promised him never to leave him and accepted him, I dont know how to leave this guy, I know I have the strength to do it, but to initiate tht step… I need to know how to do it

  274.  #274broken on December 14, 2012 at 3:05 am

    Well….I pushed and pushed this week because of myinsecurities and lack of trust due to my ex husband having two affairs….now the man I have been dating for nearly a year has packed his things and left. I had issues because he wouldn’t tell me he loved me. I am constantly worried about him cheating although deep down, I know he wouldn’t. Isit too late to fix this. I love this man more than I have ever loved any man. He is special to me and my children. He has baggage from a horrible split from his ex wife. He has two amazing kids, but he doesn’t bring them around much. But he sees them every chance he can, and I respect that. I blew up tonight because he told me he wanted to get his own place so his kids could come stay with him…he has been staying with me for 5 months, he had moved back with his folks to help for a year plus after his divorce.I love this man and wanted a life with him, I hoped since things were so good he would want to get a big place together….his children are welcome to come to my house anytime, but he is protective. Is it too late? Can I fix this? I screwed up!! He showed me he cared in many ways…but I let the stress of many things, my insecurities and my hormones ruin this wonderful relationship in just a matter of days. I’m lost!!!

  275.  #275Rori Raye on December 14, 2012 at 9:50 am

    broken – before you concern yourself with getting HIM back – you have to get to know yourself and get control of your “drama” FIRST. Constant worry and constant “issues” kill any relationship. If he wanted to move back out – I know that’s heartbreak. Give him complete time and space – and in that time – work on YOURSELF (get HELP!!!) – so when he comes back (he will) you are DIFFERENT – calm, serene, unconditionally loving, fun, easier, and straight-forward with the poetry of your feelings instead of the drama of your reactions. Love, Rori

  276.  #276Melody L. on December 17, 2012 at 10:42 am

    I’m 21 and my boyfriend is 25, we have been together a year and half and I’m not sure how to handle our problems. For the most part our relationship was really good. We communicated effectively and he was very affectionate almost too much sometimes. Then he almost broke up with me for not knowing if I wanted children about 6 months ago. We got over that hump and would have our ups and downs but nothing that bad. Now he acts distant and almost robotic like talking to me is a chore. We got in some small tiffs because of my new birth control but nothing to push him away that much. Just a few days ago he broke up with me for what he claimed was my depression and anxiety… Which I do suffer from. I told him I didn’t realize I was that bad and that I want to improve it for myself as well as not negatively affect him. Keep in mind he’s never brought this up before. But he was dead set on leaving me and wouldnt listen. So finally I just decided to leave and he changed his mind. He agreed to work on things as well. Now he isn’t trying any harder to talk to me and I feel insecure and confused. He says he still sees a future with me but I don’t get what he wants at all.

  277.  #277Rori Raye on December 17, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    Melody – you’re too YOUNG to be going through this. 1. Work on your depression and anxiety – this has NOTHING to do with a man – it’s all about YOU. 2. Circular Date! Now’s the time to learn about yourself and learn about men and have some FUN!!! 3. Get a Life Purpose and a Passion! What is it you want to do in this world? What do you LOVE to do! Men are supposed to enhance our lives, not be at the center of them at 21! Love, Rori

  278.  #278broken-hearted-girl on December 22, 2012 at 4:02 am

    My boyfriend said to me the other day that he was with me “for fun”. what does he mean by that? An should i dump him?

  279.  #279Rori Raye on December 22, 2012 at 10:38 am

    broken-hearted – it depends how old you are. Relationships are supposed to be fun – meaning – if he says he has fun with you and stays with you because of that – that’s totally okay. On the other hand, if he’s saying he’d never consider marrying you (if you’re older than 25, say), that he KNOWS you aren’t “the one” – then dump him and Circular Date. Love, Rori

  280.  #280Sophere on December 23, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Would you say honesty is the best policy? To tell my boyfriend I’m “upset”, “angry” i.e. when he hasn’t called or should i act happy and act as if i doesn’t bother me?

  281.  #281Rori Raye on December 23, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Sophere – First – the reason he’s not calling is what you want to ask yourself. A man who cares about you and wants to be with you calls you – period. And anyone who wants to be your boyfriend, please state what you require up front – “It’d feel great to be your girlfriend (assuming he’s asked and you’ve agreed rather than making some “assumption”) – and I just want to be totally honest and straightforward with you. Being exclusive is a big commitment to me – and I’m just a girl here. I’m not hugely high-maintenance, yet it feels good to stay in contact by phone, skype, text, however we do it, and it doesn’t feel good when I don’t hear from you. “Upset” doesn’t cut it. This is not about him “hurting you” or “upsetting you” – tthis is about whether he’s the right MATCH for you. If he can’t give you the contact you need – he may never. Find out now. Love, Rori

  282.  #282Jess on December 23, 2012 at 11:58 pm

    Hii Rori

    my story about my bf is that we have been dating for 6 years. Our relationship was great for the first4 years now it seems like he lost interest in me. He barely texts or calls and it always me textin or calling him. How can I start to give him space?? I tried ignoring him it didn’t work now what shld I do ?

  283.  #283Rori Raye on December 24, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Jess – I’m so sorry, and after 6 years, if things haven’t progressed to living together and talking about a future together…it’s less and less likely that will happen. I don’t know how old you are – but you need to have a truthful converstaion with him. And you need to Circular Date – learn how here. Love, Rori

  284.  #284Jade on December 24, 2012 at 11:36 pm

    Hello Rori Raye, your advice on “ignoring and do something for myself” would be really great if i am around my boyfriend, but how does it apply if im not around him?
    2 days ago we had an early exchanging gifts for christmas. Even after we had an argument about money issues (saying that he felt he always have to pay for everything and in my defense, i DID put in effort to mediate that. Or even when i did want to pay something for myself, he would reject and offered to pay…which is rather puzzling).

  285.  #285Jade on December 24, 2012 at 11:45 pm

    Hi rori sorry for my previous comment i accidentally hit the publish button. But continuing from there…
    ….even after that argument, he still got me a rather expensive pendant and 2 other thoughtful gifts for Christmas and we spent the rest of the night and the next day together, still fun and loving. I left for another party on Christmas eve’s evening, however on that Christmas night, i can’t seem to get through him and didn’t get back on my messages or my call (only called once). The next morning, i called again and he picked up but he was rather cool with everything. Me: are you okay? You didn’t reply my messages last night.
    Him: im ok. Yeah i didn’t reply your messages.
    Me: oh how did you celebrate your Christmas?
    Him: just in town with a colleague that’s all.
    Me: you could have at least sent me a text. I was worried.
    Him: no im perfectly fine.
    I know this may not be a phenomenal issue but i just need some advice when a guy is reacting this way. Id get lost for words. =[ i wanna end my year and start a new year lips locked and celebrate the new year ahead happily with him. It’s agonizing. Could he be spending Christmas with another woman…i may not know =[

  286.  #286Jade on December 24, 2012 at 11:48 pm

    We have been together for a year already though, most of the time very fun and loving and he does show how much he cares for me that i feel he really loves me. Another problem is that, for one year now he doesn’t tell me that he loves me. I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing too considering the amount of care and love he has shown me and trying to make me happy.

  287.  #287Rori Raye on December 25, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Jade – Hi – and from your letter, I can see we can help you speak better, relate better, change the dynamic here. There is no such thing as a boyfriend who isn’t around for you on Christmas. There is also no way you can keep a man if you say things like “Me: you could have at least sent me a text. I was worried.” Please get my ebook and start to learn how to use Feeling Messages, stop overfunctioning, and ramp up the attraction. Love ,Rori

  288.  #288Frustrated on December 27, 2012 at 2:46 am

    Rori and all others,

    I write in the hope that someone can guide me. Iam in my mid 20’s and my bf is in his late 20’s. We have been with each other for the last 3 yrs and are living together for 1.5 yrs now. We had a amazing start our relationship, the sparks were all there, sex was unbelievable and we connected on so many levels. The day we started to live together it fell apart. We have had frequent fights and i have hit him several times – during which he never raised his hand against me. However during one such argument he went ballistic and came close to hitting me but stopped. Since then EVERYTHING and by that i mean EVERYTHING has changed. I have changed and realised i made a terrible mistake by hitting him and have profusely apologised to him, probably to the extent of falling at his feet for forgiveness. I have become more patient and understanding now, but he has literally cut himself away from me and has turned into someone i dont know. Its been a yr since we had sex and we still live together, sleep together and are there for each other. I gave up long ago and asked him why he was still with me to which he replied “comfort”. I feel ugly, depressed , suicidal every day of my life that i am with him. He is very much aware of all this- when i ask him if he cares about me, he says he doesnt care about anything. He does not have a job now and i am in high paying terribly stressful job. I still try to wake up every morning thinking today will be better. Yes, i physically abused him and have changed my ways, but the mental torture i undergo every single day is hell. I probably deserve it for what i did, but i want a way out. I love him and i have not cheated on him or even thot of (even though am increasingly sexually frustrated). Sometimes he says i dont want to leave you coz you are nice in some ways although there are several characteristics i dislike about you. During the beginning of the relationship (before we started dating) he was sexually involved with someone (something like a friend with benefit) – i found out about this 4 months into the relationship and i wanted to end it then, but he came clambering back to me and begged me for mercy and said he would never do it again. I forgave him then. Can I not expect the same? I feel worthless and I have put on about 20 pounds in the last yr alone with my depression. I wish I could be with someone who can tell me how i look or appreciate me for the little things i do. I cook, clean, provide him with financial support when needed and yet I dont even get as much as a thank you from him.

    I want to die. Please someone help me.

  289.  #289Rori Raye on December 27, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Frustrated – You need professional help. All you need to do is leave this man. In your early twenties – putting up with this (no sex for a year?!), taking care of him, and feeling terrible is non-nonsensical. I understand that you feel trapped – yet that’s not true. You aren’t trapped. You can support yourself financially. Get out of there and get a new apartment (or ask HIM to leave), cut off all contact for at least 2 months, and Circular Date! (And get some coaching.) Love, Rori

  290.  #290Frustrated on December 28, 2012 at 6:40 am

    Thx Rori, i think i needed to hear this from someone else. My friends have been telling me this, but i guess i have just not looked at my feelings deeply yet. I will sit and think about what i want out of my life and get some help.

    I know it need it bad.

  291.  #291Noone on December 29, 2012 at 10:58 am

    I’m back here to tell everyone that I broke up with the “super busy no time for me” man that I’ve met a year ago. I realized that I’m not getting any younger so it was time for me to make the right move. So I did.

    I know people say, never to text a man when breaking up with him, but that exactly what I had to do. He was not an abusive partner, but the fact that I could not see him at all, I had to let him know by text so both of us knew that it was over. I am not Joe Jonas, nor will I ever be, but something has got to be taken care of.

    I’ve always felt lonely even when we were together, but now its even worse knowing that I’m not going to see him at all. I feel bitter, confused, sad, depressed, mad, lonely and all the bad things.
    I pray every single morning and nights so God help me not to go back to him. I DO NOT want to go back there. That was what I call relationship hell.

    I’m not dating anyone now because I feel that I cannot trust anybody.

    I can’t wait for the days to go so fast so I can really put this behind me and really move on.

    Ooof! I can’t believe I was so stupid to even trust him in the first place. I’m so mad at myself for not letting him go sooner, but even if I’m suffering now, inside my heart I know I’m free from imagining someone is there when no one really is.

    Thank you Rori, and everyone on here who commented to my previous post. You guys are awesome! Good luck to all of you.

  292.  #292Milly on December 29, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    I’m very confused. My boyfriend liked a page on Facebook which says “forget relationships, I’m single”. Why would he like such a page? He also wrote a status saying there is no such thing as true love. An he would choose money over love :/ im so puzzled and deeply hurt. Should I dump him?

  293.  #293Rori Raye on December 29, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Milly – before you dump him, how about you ask him? Also – This all depends on how old you are….Love, Rori

  294.  #294Milly on December 30, 2012 at 7:20 am

    I spoke to my boyfriend as you said. He completely dismissed my feelings and said i was a Drama Queen :/

  295.  #295Femininewoman on December 30, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Milly what did he say why you took it as “dismissed”.

    Remember you do have an internal Drama Queen. We all do so embrace her and love her. He might have mentoned her because that is what he saw depending on how you spoke.

  296.  #296Mily on December 30, 2012 at 9:00 am

    I told him…I found it quite hurtful that he liked this page “forget relationships, I’m single”. An he said he couldn’t careless…it only a just a page. An why i am moaning about the smallest of things 🙁

  297.  #297rachael on December 30, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    So my boyfriend doesnt have a job and hes home all day. I have a 7 year old daughter. We have been living together over 2 years. Hes babysat for me several times. But now he wont i work 6 days a week and i have to pay a babysitter. Or he says i can pay him. Recently i went to go to see my daughter at the babysitters and they had a family party going on. He showed up and thought i was partying. We are still living together but he is sleeping in the living room. Ignoring me. Im sad. Whar can i do. He says hes gonna

  298.  #298rachael on December 30, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    He says hes moving out

  299.  #299broken on December 31, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Hi Rori….I wrote to you a few weeks ago about my then bf who had been living with me….he left because I pushed him into a corner cause I was upset he wouldn’t tell me he loved me after 10 months and he came and went as he pleased. He asked for space. We are not together…we are taking a break, is what he says. He has a lot going on at work…newly transferred locations. I have only seen him twice since he left. He has been checking up on me though…and gets jealous when I am hanging out with others and guys are there…He continues to say he needs time cause of his new job. I have been working on me, but it’s hard to hear from him occasionaly when we use to talk all the time. I feel in my heart he is coming back…but am I that much of a distraction that we can’t work on this and his new job at the same time??

  300.  #300Zarah on January 1, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    Why does my boyfriend act as if his single around people? :s

  301.  #301Rori Raye on January 2, 2013 at 10:32 am

    Zarah – Welcome, and your boyfriend acts like he’s single around people because that’s how he feels. Please start with the ebook here (in the right sidebar – just click on the cover of Have The Relationship You Want), go further at least to Modern Siren and Targeting Mr. Right – and THEN see how he acts! Asking him to be more your boyfriend and pay better attention to you will not work. Don’t do that. Work on the Tools. Love, Rori

  302.  #302Anna on January 2, 2013 at 11:58 am

    I have been seeing this guy for around 9 months off and on. He is a loner and I have taken that in to consideration. I am a talker. I have been overfunctioning way toooooooo much. He will go a couple of days and text me and if I just simply say hey back. He doesnt text. This is so strange and confusing but since doing the “modern siren” program I am much better. I am backing up but what do I say when he text?????

  303.  #303Rori Raye on January 3, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Anna – use your short Feeling Messages and text back lovely “snippets” of your day. Your being the “life of the party” and him being an introvert can actually work WELL – as long as you don’t try to talk so much to HIM. You’ll need friends to be your extrovert self with – and find calmness and quiet with him – which might be a great thing! Love, Rori

  304.  #304Anna on January 3, 2013 at 10:08 am

    What do you mean snippets? I feel like texting good morning when I wake up. I guess that would be overfunctioning????? He is a quiet person and is very in touch with himself. The loner thing works for him. Am I wrong to want to say “hey” or good morning. I know with my gift of discernment, this guy cares for me. I feel the chemistry but it is difficult for me to WAIT on him. If I change my ways a few days and do not contact him he says I am being pissy. I am trying to disconnect but do not know how to deal with him calling me pissy. I have talked to him way to much to the point I bugged him. Now I am not and he calls me PISSY!ugh He is 49 set in his ways! I really like him though! What to do? How to act????????Help!

  305.  #305cranky one on January 4, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    Why in the hell do we have to cater to these men? I don’t get it? We all have needs?

  306.  #306Angela on January 5, 2013 at 1:11 am

    My husband has been out of the house since November 20th, 2012, he said he needs space to decided whether he wants the marriage and he is not too sure how much time he needs. When he first moved out i was constantly calling and texting him and this pushed him further away, i stopped trying to contact him around december 5th , now that i stopped contacting him when he calls me sometimes i don’t answer and he complains that when he calls me i don’t answer his call , now his voice is not cold in conversations and i leave the conversation up to him to take the lead, but up to now he hasn’t discussed anything about the marriage and i feel as though if i push the issue this will push him away further. He joined the army and he is leaving for booth camp on January 29th and i was hoping he would say something about the marriage before he leaves for booth camp, should i continue to give him space and ask him what is the status of the marriage before he leaves for booth camp or should i just go ahead and file for divorce ? My emotions are all over the place.

    He moved out because we had an argument about me being suspicious about him cheating and i told him to leave my place, he said he felt very uncomfortable with me saying that and he needed space, he was constantly texting and calling a female every single day early hours in the morning and late at night when he’s at work, when i confronted him about it, he said it’s just a friend and this frustrated me deeply and i told him to leave. I got upset about that because i dont believe its a friend because of the back and forth calling and texting all day every day. We had this issue twice in the past of him having constant communication with female friends and i had told him to leave my place, he said he is tired of me saying this and he thinks i need to work on my self but i feel like he is using this as an excuse to leave me and not admitting that there is more to these female friends, he says he loves me but how can he love me and treat me this way. Any Suggestions please ? Thank youuuu !!!

  307.  #307Angela on January 5, 2013 at 1:22 am

    i forgot to mention that we have been married for 4 years, no kids, we are both 29 years old. I make much more money than him and i take care of most of the bills, he said he joined the Army to give me a better life financially and to provide for us much better. On wednesday he called and he expressed his fear and concerns about joining the army and worrying about where he will be based after booth camp. Since he moved out we have not had sex and it is so hurtful that he pushed me away, he said he doesn’t want to have to sex and he just wants to focus on hisself and being mentally prepared for the army, i think this is just an excuse and he is having sex with someone else. i understand that i told him to leave my place and i have apologized many times but he has not acknowledged that it is wrong for him to be in constant communication with one female friend every single day with so many texting and calling. He also told me that if i dont want to wait on him to make a decision then i can go ahead and get a divorce, it seems like he wants me to get a divorce so that he doesnt have to take responsibility for ending the marriage. I am sorry this is so long. i am hurting so much and i just want to move on in peace without any hurt, anger or resentment.

  308.  #308Rori Raye on January 5, 2013 at 9:43 am

    cranky – welcome – and, yeah – why be with a man who can’t meet your needs? On the other hand – if you look at ALL, or MOST men this way, no one says you have to be with a man at all. Love, rori

  309.  #309Rori Raye on January 5, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Angela, Welcome, and I don’t want to tell you what to do – but if this were me, I’d run like hell. A man who’s involved in ANY WAY with another woman he puts so much energy into is bad news, and a man who jumps into the army without a lot of thought and prior discussion – well, he’s gone, as far as I’m concerned. I’d get an attorney, Circular Date, get the hell out. Love, Rori

  310.  #310Shirin on January 5, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    Dear Rori
    I need an advice! I broke up with my boyfriend(who is younger than me & he lives in another city)about 2 months ago because he didn’t respect me.beside his behavior changed after a month we started dating.sometimes he pulled me over.i tried to be understandable and don’t push him away but he became worse.i went to his city to make things work and he didn’t change his awful behavior.so,I gave up after a while.I didn’t call or text him. The problem was I didn’t stop loveing him. He came back last week.he texted and apologized for what he did.
    I wasn’t sure about him.i asked him why he came back and he said because he missed me and blah blah blah!!!he tried to be charming.and i decided to give him another chance ,however , I knew we don’t have any future together.
    I didn’t tell him about my decision.I’m cautious.just wanted to be sure he deserves my love this time or not.i didn’t say I was waiting for him or missed him or still like him.I was polite and answered his texts.when he realized this time it’s not going to be that easy,he became angry and said awful things!i was shocked and said: u were really dear to me and just because of that I answered u despite all u did!
    The respons was unexpected:I don’t care!just answer , do u want to be with me or not?
    I didn’t answer. Yesterday he said hi!and I haven’t answered yet!
    I really like him , although ,we don’t have anything in common except appearance!!!!he has lots of family issues (his family is a complete mess) and of course his is young(23) and unstable.
    I’m keep saying to myself I have to end it and move on. Obviously he doesn’t deserve emotional investment! Does he?

  311.  #311Rori Raye on January 5, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    Shirin – do YOU feel like he’s worth an “investment”? Love, Rori

  312.  #312brokenangle on January 6, 2013 at 10:43 am

    My boyfriend said he loves me but is not ready for a relationship and broke it off with me. I’m so confused. I dont understand…it makes no sense.

  313.  #313Rori Raye on January 6, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    broken – so sorry – and next time – find out if a man is looking for a “real” relationship before you become exclusive with him or agree to be a “girlfriend.” Love, rori

  314.  #314Shirin on January 6, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    (l’m not sure I got your question.)
    What do I feel?i feel I still like him and want him back.
    What do I think?i think it’s wasting time.I have to pull myself together and move on.
    I wanted to give him another chance not only because I liked him but also because I knew his situation. I thought he is confused and doesn’t know what should he do.

  315.  #315brokenangel on January 7, 2013 at 1:57 am

    How come he told me he loves me though?

  316.  #316Cindy on January 7, 2013 at 7:57 am

    Hi Rori….my bf and I have been taking a little break…he has a lot going on in his life right now. He use to call, text and stay over every night…..we haven’t been like that in almost a month. He says he doesn’t want me to see anyone else. He really cares about me, but that he just needs a little more time to get him straight and deal with everything he has to. Some days we talk a lot..then some days we don’t talk at all. Sometimes he pick and chooses the messages he responds to. So this morning, I decided to not respond to him. He has text a few times. I can tell it is bothering him that I won’t respond. We didn’t talk at all yesterday. Am I doing the right thing by giving him a taste of his own medicine? I just want him to know that its not right to push me aside like I don’t matter.

  317.  #317Julie on January 7, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Hi Rori I feel so exited to express my feelings and emotions to you about my boyfriend. Me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship for about 3 months now. within the the first month of us dating i became pregnant. In the begining my relationship was good until I toled him I was pregnant, he started ignoring me and avoiding me so I eventually terminated the pregnancy. I felt so guilty afterwards, but I wasnt for sure he was going to support me in my situation. Now my boyfriend goes out for nights at a time without calling me and no expalnation, Im so tired of the treatment I really need help.

  318.  #318Rori Raye on January 7, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Julie, I can’t answer you unless you’re 18 – and, for me, you made a great choice. Please let this man go and get out there and Circular Date. Love, rori

  319.  #319Rori Raye on January 7, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Cindy, I deleted your last name for your privacy…This man isn’t a boyfriend right now. Yeah, of course he doesn’t want you seeing anyone else…duh….and do you like that situation? Circular Date WITHOUT dating – get out there, go dancing, do stuff, go to classes, get busy, and don’t be there every time he calls BECAUSE you’re BUSY – not because you’re playing games – which NEVER works. Love, Rori

  320.  #320Rori Raye on January 7, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    broken – men say all kinds of things – they may mean it at the moment – but what does THAT get you? Consistency and time is the clue and the key. Love, Rori

  321.  #321Rori Raye on January 7, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    Shirin – for me, confused men get to figure it out on their own. I don’t wait on anyone’s confusion. I appreciate them, love them, accept them. But my time is valuable. Love, Rori

  322.  #322Cindy on January 7, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    Got it!! Thanks Rori…so just to be clear….if I am available and not busy and he wants to talk….is that ok? Also, do I act sweet and loving as usual and send him good morning/goodnight/thinking about u messages, or should I not be doing that?

  323.  #323Angela on January 7, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    Hi Rori,
    Thanks for your great advice, we both discussed the options of him going into for a very long time now and he really wanted to join so i supported him although im not 100 % on board with the idea and i didnt want him to resent me for not supporting him. I feel great when i ignore his calls, that gives me some sort of power, now im thinking how i shud react when i decide to take his call, should i be brief and not really say anything much instead of being a little nice. My emotions are all over the place, 1 day i feel like im ready to file for a divorce and the next day i don’t feel like it, i hate the emotional roller coaster.

  324.  #324Cindy on January 7, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    Funny…when I ignore him….he tries that much harder to get my attention…but I feel like I’m playing games…we just go back and forth….he won’t take my calls or ignores me…I try harder to reach him and vice versa…ugh…

  325.  #325brokenangel on January 8, 2013 at 3:59 am

    what do you mean by “time”?

  326.  #326Cindy on January 8, 2013 at 4:53 am

    Help….last question…I’m meeting him for lunch today…do I bring up the status of our relationship or ask him if he is ready to come back…..or don’t even bring it up….

  327.  #327Julie on January 8, 2013 at 7:43 am

    Yes Rori Im 20 years old. I mentioned to you that he stays out nights at a time, well last friday he stayed out the whole weekend from friday until i dont know when, when i tried to call him someone in his house answered the phone pretending to be his aunt saying why am i calling this late dont call this house late anymore i started to think it was him I really dont have time to play childish games im off to college in a couple of weeks with my fututre and career on my mind. This morning he calls me after all those days asking me if i was alright what should I do?

  328.  #328Taylor on January 8, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    Hi Rori,

    My boyfriend and I have been been dating for about a year and a half. Were both good people. He has a hectic schedule in the winter due to work/coaching commitments, which unfortunately does take a toll on things (limits time spent together, what we can do together, etc) The past few months, weve discussed moving in together but cant really come to a compromise.. We both own our own places (we’re 29 and 30) Because of this, weve been arguing recently. We got into anhuge fight before the holidays, to which he basically insisted I drive to him to discuss it or he probably wouldve ignored me, and I didnt want to ruin my bday/holiday. I find the fact that I wanted more insight into the future of our relationship has made him act scarce.. but, he was the 1 to bring it up invite 1st place. He even told me I’m “trying to hard,” meanwhile, I have been doing my own thing a lot more lately. I decided to drop the talk and just try and have fun together as he wished, which I wanted, too.. but he’s been very snappy with me! When I ask him why, he blames me! Doesn’t seem fair. And, I’ve invited him to come on vaca in a couple months with my family. What makes it harder, is that hes ignoring me. Not sure if it’s worth it to stick it through, but I dont feel 100% ready to break up. Just don’t want to play games…

  329.  #329Rori Raye on January 9, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    Taylor – somehow, you have to create safety in this relationship so you can talk. Arguing isn’t helping. Love, rori

  330.  #330Anna on January 11, 2013 at 1:01 am

    Hi Rory! Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 4 years and we hit a really rough patch last year. This was the first time we had such a huge issue and I practically begged him for things to go back to normal but he did not budge. We decided to take some space and after a few days of not talking he came around and I was shocked. His family told him that we must take a long break and he did not want them to know we were speaking again so soon, so we decided to sneak around. Intially when we started talking again he made an effort to speak to me regulary but as time went by I felt like he took me for granted because he knew I was back. We had an argument one day because he promised he was going to call me in the evening and we were going to make plans to meet up the next day and he didnt call me. When I called him the next day I was upset and told him he takes me for granted and he is not standing up to his family. He was angry but I know I was not at fault. I was on leave and went to a few clubs with my friends and his friends told him that they saw me..and on new years I actually bumped into him at a party..we had a huge fight and I really felt it was over. To my surprise, he called me later on saying that he knows that I am his true love and he cant handle the fact that I am partying so much and I think he was more scared that I will find someone else and there are lots of guys in the clubs. I spoke to him the other day and I told him that I cant just keep waiting and he said I must wait till the end of next month. Rori I cant wait. After seeing me in a club and knowing that I was going out and trying to have fun really woke him up but I need to do something for him to want to make things normal bewteen us again. We honestly never went a week without speaking, I think the most was 4 days. He does call me but not routinely and we are not angry with each other so we in a good space I think. I just need some advice on how to make him want to make things back to normal..I do not want to beg..I did that when our issues started and it got me no where.

  331.  #331Rori Raye on January 12, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    Anna – I’m not sure how old you are – but after 4 years – what is it exactly that you want? If he’s not sure he wants to meet your requirements for a “boyfriend” at the very least…what do you want to do? Love, Rori

  332.  #332Shirin on January 13, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    Thank u Rori

  333.  #333Sue on January 17, 2013 at 6:36 am

    I have been in a long distance relationship for almost two year. It’s been hard but for the most part we did great, Christmas how ever got very rocky and we had a huge fight that following week. For 3 days I never heard from him until I reserved a text from him saying ” he can’t do this anymore, he needs time to work on himself, he is tired of the fighting, he can’t sleep, eat or keep his composure but it was over” he is 32 and I’m 37. We both work on the road and finally I got news of a job that we could both be on. I’m still leaving tomorrow for the job but there has been limited contact. It’s been a week since the break. His friends tell me he has sad and angry songs on his face book. He is drinking a lot and seems down. We haven’t talked about the break and this morning we had maybe 4 texts total, very basic and I left it with saying have a good day and stay safe.
    I’m not sure what is going they his mind, he is the one that wanted the break but acts upset about it?!?
    I’m trying to do the no contact rule just so I can get my feelings in check and start moving on.
    I’m hurt it ended in a text and wonder if we can work thru this at some point after the healing. I wonder after our text his morning if he is left thinking about us? It was friendly but nothing big.
    I don’t know what to do since I love him and want it to work. Being in different states is hard. His job is up in 6 weeks and he will be back in the same state, should I wait till then to contact him again?!?
    I need some advice!!

  334.  #334Rori Raye on January 17, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Sue – You’re not going to like this – but if you’re participating in fighting, instead of building an emotional bond with him – you’re basically destroying the relationship. And I can tell from your “have a good day and stay safe” that you’re a big overfunctioner and “nurturer,” and don’t know how to be a “girl.” Please read everything you can here, participate, and download my ebook NOW. Love, Rori

  335.  #335Sue on January 17, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    I’m not sure I understand your statement on dont know how to be a girl and I’m destroying the relationship by being a fighter. I’m interested in what your saying? I just don’t fully understand. I tried to leave a text that left it friendly and open. Hmmmm what could I of said to of made it better?

  336.  #336Sara on January 18, 2013 at 8:36 am

    I am in a very complicated relationship,hoping to get some advice. My boyfriend is one I just cant figure out or maybe its very simple and I am compliating things because I dont want to let go.

  337.  #337Confused lady on January 18, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Hi rori

    I’ve been reading your advise and I could do with some myself.

    I’m 42 and my boyfriend is 38 we met on a dating website in October but I wouldn’t meet up with him till November. The relationship moved fast, probably faster than I wanted in the beginning but it felt good.

    I noticed around Christmas my boyfriend has issues, he went on a drinking bender and it took till New Year’s Eve to sober him up safely…. He ruined my Christmas and new year… But before this he was talking marriage etc in the summer this did worry me but I didn’t say anything.

    Anyway over the last few weeks we have had a few arguments mainly over his ex as she has total control, if he’s arranged something with me she will say he has to have his son and then he texts me at the last minute saying he can’t make it but misses me!!!

    He makes all the right noises he says he loves me and he misses me but like today he is meant to be seeing me tonight and I haven’t heard a word from him, yesterday he texted all day as he knew I was busy!!!

    I don’t text or ring first ever!!! So it feels like I wait around fot him to decide if he’s seeing me or not …. I feel fantastic when I’m with him but this coldness is driving me crazy… I have asked if he could let me know in advance if he can’t make it but he ignores me or just says I have put him in a bad mood and this causes an argument.

    I won’t be treated like this as I think it’s rude and disrespectful… I understand his son comes first but at the beginning he would jump through hoops to see me. Am I losing him and what should I do to bring him back to me?

    Your help would be greatly appreciated as its driving me mad and I can’t eat and feel like a sprung coil all the time.

  338.  #338Rori Raye on January 18, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Confused – You’re now seeing the man as he is – not on his best behavior, but as he is. If this doesn’t do for you (it’s not going to get better) – then please say you’re just “dating” him and Circular Date for real (I hope you’re out there practicing the Tools on everyone who crosses your path – that’s the basic of Circular Dating). Complaining and being unhappy will get you nowhere. The thing about being married or even living together if that feels good is that you get to go to bed together and wake up together – that solves a lot of the “time” issues and the stress of phone calls and setting dates. Love, Rori

  339.  #339Rori Raye on January 18, 2013 at 11:09 am

    Sara – Seems to me you’re understanding what’s going on. Men are pretty simple. They either like you or they don’t. They want to be with you, or they’d rather do other things or be with other women. Pretty simple. Stop trying to figure men out and simply don’t let any one man tie you in mental and emotional knots. Love, Rori

  340.  #340Patty on January 21, 2013 at 7:41 am

    Hi RORI…I’ve been reading your ebook and I feel like I am becoming stronger because of it. My question is, how do I put the tools into practice if he is needing his space right now….he came over last Tuesday…we had a great time…but he still wants his space…so instead of texting and being needy, looking for reasons to talk to him, liking Luke his facebook statuses, etc.. I simply stopped it all. He had texted once yesterday….asking a question, I answered and nothing more. Never heard another word. How do I make this happen if I don’t talk to or see him much? We were dating for a year…but I kept overfunctioning and pushed him into a corner….he fled….said he just needed time.

  341.  #341Rori Raye on January 21, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Patty! Welcome, and Circular Dating is what you need to do! But, right now, don’t officially DATE anyone else, because he’ll confuse it with you “sleeping” with other men….instead – just get really really INTERESTING – to yourself! Try classes where there are men – martial arts, acting, improv…stuff that’s young and fun and where you can flirt shamelessly and hang out with new people. then you’ll have new things to share in your Feeling Messages (you’ll be practicing speaking as a “poet of you” with all these new people). Dating will likely show up from all of this – but if your man is for you – he’ll catch quickly how your vibe is different – and you’ll learn how to treat him as a great and valued “friend” where you can totally be yourself – and he’ll show up differently. And if he’s NOT for you…then you’ll have a leg up on a new love life! Love, Rori

  342.  #342Patty on January 21, 2013 at 11:08 am

    Thanks Rori. I feel like I’m getting it! But when it comes to.the man I was dating. Do I contact him at all, or give him complete space, since he wants some time to figure his wants.out. is it ok to text, or do I leave it alone and wait for him to contact me?

  343.  #343Gina on January 22, 2013 at 2:32 am

    Married to a Passive aggressive man for 15 yrs. have 3 young kids and I’m fed up. First time I have not talked to him in two weeks I just can’t be bothered anymore pleading my case of his childish destructive behaviour. He doesn’t get it he doesn’t care. He’s full of I’m sorrys and empty promises yr after yr and we get back on track and then he does the same ridiculous things again and again. I’ve worked bloody hard at my marriage sacrificed a lot and put a lot of energy into his crap and every time I think the message had gotten tru and we are on the right track he throws it up in the air again and I’m left running about picking it all up. So I got fed up lost the head again but this time a silent treatment has come over me and I can’t snap out of it. It’s been two weeks and he is as carefree as a bird. Not a bother on him. He declares to all I’m in a PMS mood and i need to snap out of it! Tiring is putting it mildly. Don’t suggest divorce pls it is not an option till my kids are grown up and have left the nest. A day I’m living for now so I can start my life.

  344.  #344Rori Raye on January 22, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    Gina – I don’t understand why you can’t get a divorce. If it’s about money, then you’ve made a bargain – an agreement – with your husband. If you want him to take care of you financially – hating him and judging him and building up resentment moment by moment is not helping you feel any better. It’s driving you further apart and making your life more miserable than it needs to be. Love starts with love. If you can’t love him – can you at least be friends? Love, Rori

  345.  #345Annie on January 23, 2013 at 1:50 am

    I feel curious Gina.
    Hoe come you think divorce is not an option at the moment?
    Or not the best option?

  346.  #346Annie on January 23, 2013 at 1:58 am

    Rori, Love starts with loving ourselves and if we are putting up with passive aggressive treatment and empty promises we are not being very loving to ourselves. Do you think it is possible to be friends with someone who treats us in a way we do not want to be treated?
    I wouldn’t be able to be friends in those circumstances.
    I wouldn’t want anything to do with them.
    It takes time though to be in a position to get out of a situation like that, especially whilst in the real life situation of looking after three young children.
    I would think most people looking after three young children are just doing their best to even get through the challenges of actually getting through the day and haven’t got much energy left for much else.
    What do you think?

  347.  #347Jenny on January 24, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    This guys and I have been dating for about a month. This week all of a sudden he went from calling me and texting me to nothing at all. I have forced my self to not text him or reach out to him. This morning I couldn’t help but text him “good morning and have a nice day” to which he replied “Hi sorry for not texting or calling been stressing to f***n and you too have a good day”
    He works with his ex and I obviously thousands of questions are tuning trough my mind. Should I just wait for him to reaching out to me now or just move on. I really do like him.

  348.  #348Dating Too Long on January 24, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I’m sorry, this is kind of a long post. ^_^;

    I am in my twenties, and have been dating my boyfriend, whose about a year older than myself, for… wait for it… SIX years! He lives on his own, with several of his friends. We have no kids or anything, and we’re not living together.

    I found your website, because I was at a loss for, well, my future. I don’t want to date forever – I want to get married, start a family, ect…, but this doesn’t seem possible with his current… living situation. It’s insane. Lots of guys in a little house, he’s the only full-timer, everyone else is either part-time or unemployed, and they are ALL (him included) glued to their computers playing games/farting around when they aren’t at work/sleeping/eating.

    Like, no one takes responsibility for the house, the garbage, the bathroom, cleaning up their messes, and some of his roomies can’t keep their finances in order, and even though all of this annoys the crap out of him, he CANNOT stand up to his friends, and throw down some basic Rules-for-Living-Here-101. They just walk all over him, and it’s terrible. They’re all good friends, but they take his kindness for granted, and even though I’ve calmly and logically pointed out the situation to him, and even though he wants things to be better and agrees with me on what I’ve told him, he never does a Thing.About.It.

    Therefore, I’ve decided that, well, there’s nothing I can do anymore.

    If he wants to live in filth, have his roomies not pay him on time for bills, and have crap all over the house (besides the bedrooms, the rest of the house is UNUSABLE because there are boxes, garbage, dirty dishes, clothes, towels, you name it, literally on every inch of the counters, tables, sink, floors, ect…), then he can have it. Not my problem! Normally, if it’s just him, it’s not that messy, but everyone else in that house are total slobs, and it’s disgusting to us both.

    I thought I was the good girlfriend – I gave up trying to “get him” to spend time with me. If he wanted to be on his computer, I let him, and did other things in the meantime. Thought that he would notice this and miss me, but, it seems he was like, “Hey, Freedom!”, so if I get busy and give myself the time and attention I want, he’ll just retreat even more to his games/friends/whatever else, because he sees it’s okay if I never get anything from him, because I’m happy with myself (which is good, but, like, HELLO, I want a boyfriend here, otherwise I’d just be single!).

    I did housework for him, his laundry, little errands, took care of him whenever he’s sick, blah, blah, blah, I’m sure you understand where I’m going. I did EVERYTHING (including being the one to visit HIM for the past year), and I have not received a thing from him, not even a thank you for the housework I did for him. Alright, I can accept the blame for Overfunctioning.

    So, I got sick of this after about five or so months. As of about a week ago, I no longer go to his house. I don’t call him. I don’t text him unless he texts me first. I started to be my own boyfriend, because it seemed like my own wasn’t stepping up into that particular role.

    It took a few days, but I did get a call. I used one of the Tools, and just Listened to him. I think it worked really well. I got a 20 minute call from him! Usually, we just talk for a minute or two. He just kept talking, and I just kept listening, asking him questions about whatever he was talking about, saying “Yeah, uh-uh, cool, that’s great, ect…”, and made no move to talk about anything related to myself. It was great.

    The only problem, is that I feel like, if I do give him the space he requires, the relationship will revert back to what it used to be – seeing me once a week, while doing what he wants, when he wants, the other 6 days of the week (when he’s not working). I’m dead serious – he was happy, and saw NOTHING wrong with this. He could get it all, a free life of bachelorhood AND girlfriend-benefits, without any real commitment. It killed me.

    I understand and support his “man-time” with his pals, but seriously, he used to be with them 4-6 days a week, and would still see me maybe once a week, sometimes every other week, because he had “no time” and didn’t want to “feel obligated to spend time with me”. I made a big fuss about that, and he got better – for a while. But, then I could feel like I was a human “ball-and-chain”, preventing him from “doing anything fun”.

    I don’t want to be miserable, and give him SO MUCH SPACE in order to be happy. I can’t be happy with once a week. Not after six years. He can’t spend every night/weekend with his friends, every week of every month, year after year, and not make time for me. I don’t want to go back to that. His reasons for seeing me so little, are because I don’t have anything “fun planned for us to do”, and he’s “tired of making all the plans for us”. I want to go to the zoo. The mall. The beach. On a walk. Nope, he doesn’t want to. Unless an activity revolves around fun things for HIM, he isn’t up to it. Just… arrgh! I’m ready to throw in the towel. He’a great guy, and I love him, and I want to grow old with him, but I feel like I’m dating a 23-year old man-child!

    I’m at a loss of what to do. Part of me wants to make this right, but I don’t know if I have it in me anymore, after six years.

  349.  #349Rori Raye on January 25, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Dating Too Long – Welcome – and the picture you paint sounds like the movie “Knocked Up” without the being knocked up (that’s good). You guys are young. If you think he’s the one and you’re ready to to the marriage and family thing – I can still quite understand why he may not be. This is going to take some real, genuine communication – because, at the very least, after 6 years, I hope you two are great, deep friends, and can talk about anything.

    Either you’re going to move in together and see where this goes in the next year, or you’re going to start Circular Dating for real. Sounds to me like he needs for you to lay out what you want – exactly, firmly, and in detail. “It would feel great to live with you.” “I want to start a life with you. What do you think?” If it’s too soon in his young life for him to make that kind of commitment – perhaps all you need from him is a better “boyfriend.” Love, Rori

  350.  #350Rori Raye on January 25, 2013 at 8:57 am

    Jenny – Welcome, and this is just “dating”! Please, please get out there and Circular Date and let this man do what he does. Stop thinking of him as a “boyfriend.” Boyfriends have requirements. You require a certain amount of contact and being together – otherwise, what’s the point? Unless he’s specifically asked you to be exclusive – you need to talk about that before you even consider stopping dating other men. And then you talk about your requirements. Love, Rori

  351.  #351Anna on January 25, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    Hi Rori

    Sorry for the late reply! You asked me in a previous post about my age and what I want. I am 24 and my boyfriend is 27. Rori I want this to work out bewteen me and him. He was my best friend for so long. Last week, he had a little car accident and his new car got smashed in the back and later on the week his dad was admitted to hospital. He told me last Friday that he wants to find himself because I did tell him a few weeks back that he is not the same guy I fell in love with and he also said he is extremely stressed with his dad being ill. He told me to give him time to clear his mind and find himself again. I am writing post graduate exams and he said he doesnt want to fight with me for nothing because he is stressed out.

    So now we on space. Its been 8 days since I have spoken to him. I decided not to call or text him at all because he told me he will contact me and I dont want to come across as a pest. This is the longest we have gone without talking. I hate this waiting because I honestly prefer to sort things out immediately. He also asked me not to do anything stupid, he means not go and date another guy or hook up with someone because the last time we had an argument I went on a partying spree..I did not hook up with any other guy but he expected me to sit at home and be upset and when he found out that I was going clubbing often he was shocked.

    Rori some of my close friends told me to leave things as there are now so thats what I have been doing. I am pretty sure he would expect me to call or text him because I would have done that before but now I cant. I cannot run after a guy. I really love him but there is a limit honestly. A huge part of me wants this to work out.

  352.  #352Jess on January 31, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    My boyfriend has other girls numbers in his phone and says there just friends.

    I’m not okay with this? Should i be? How do i deal with it?

  353.  #353Rori Raye on February 1, 2013 at 8:37 am

    Jess – Are they just friends? And why are you in a girlfriend situation if you don’t feel secure? Love, Rori

  354.  #354Aspire on February 1, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    I have recently been broken up for almost 4 weeks. He was the one that sent me a text saying it was over. We are in a ldr but have been making it work. Or so I thought. He would not answer my phone calls and texts. He started to reply with he needs time and that he just is not a good person. He would put sad songs on Fb and posts to get under my skin so I decided to block him.
    I left him alone and stopped all contact, he then text me about some random question, I never replied back for 3 days. On the 4th day I replied with the answer he text straight back with. “Delayed” I told him I had been busy. Nothing else for 2 days, then sends me a song glycerin to listen to. Y after all this time send me that? I was doing so well and I just started texting. He told me You completely missed the meaning of that song. I’m never gonna change. Im just a not a good person. I’m just damaged.
    Well hell I already knew that! Lol y send it to me to remind me of how screwed up he is? We got into a texting argument and I let him know that I would be going to his moms house to return his promise ring and some cloths. He seemed to get mad and pretty much told me that his family are mad at me. He knew that would devastate me. I have known them for 2 years and adore them all, I have been the only gf that they have accepted and loved. His mom would even text and tell me she still loved and missed me and I was welcome anytime.
    Y does he still hurt me? I told him I would keep away, then he text me don’t you dare turn your back on my family. I blocked his phone number from my phone so I did not have to deal with it any more. I’m trying to move on, I deleted all his family from Fb and have not replied to his mom.
    I sent his stuff and my ring back via mail to his moms house. He is a 32 year old man that should be more adult. He broke up with me in a text and has not picked up the phone once to talk to me, yet he is so angry at me?? I want to understand his actions so I can stop blaming myself.
    I still live him and even moved to be closer, he will be back in the area in a month or so and I want to be stronger and gain back my power that I so weakly gave to him.

  355.  #355Rori Raye on February 1, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    Aspire – Welcome, and my question to you will seem like I’m not answering you – but here it is: Why do you need to “understand him”? He clearly is not up to the job of being in a relationship with you. He clearly doesn’t even have good “manners.” whatever would you want with a man like this? He’s shown you his true colors. It has nothing to do with you. The only thing that has something to do with you is why you would care about a man who treats you this way?

    And please, download the new ebook (in the sidebar, click on the cover…) and see if changing any of your “standard” thoughts and behaviors can ramp up your romantic life and attract in a man who DOES have what it takes to be a great boyfriend and husband. Feeling Messages really do work. Love, Rori

  356.  #356Aspire on February 1, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    Thank you Rori,
    I think that’s what I needed to hear. Distancing myself is the best thing for me to do.

  357.  #357Dina on February 1, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    I thought I found the perfect guy…for a few weeks. But it’s been 6 months and even though he acts as though everything is fine, he seems to be incapable of remembering my work schedule, and isn’t interested in calling me or texting me…at all. I’m afraid of initiating calls or telling him that it bothers me that he doesn’t seem to care if he ever talks to me because then it sorta forces him to do it, when what I want is to be with someone who *gasp ..actually cares about what goes on in my life. I’m thinking of ignoring him…or the impulsive me might just dump him. But it makes me sad because I was lonesome for quite awhile before meeting him, and he seems stable and committed I suppose is the word. But I can’t shake the feeling that I might be dating a closet homosexual or something. Otherwise, if he ‘just isn’t that into me’ why would he be sorta faking it?

  358.  #358Anna on February 1, 2013 at 7:28 pm

    I have been ignoring my man. He has been texting and I have just ignored it for 6 days now. Tonight I finally responded with my “fuel to love” speech. He didn’t respond back. So I am taken his silence as the answer that he is just really not that into me!?

  359.  #359Mikaylia on February 1, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I am very Happy to have discovered a website like this, with women who can relate to my current situation. I recently dating this guy. He has most of the qualities that I was looking for in a man, smart, handsome, hardworking, honest, respectful ect. We recently decided that we were gonna get exclusive. He told me he was a player like 3 years ago but he got tired of the game and has been searching for someone to settle with. I’m 22 and he’s 28. I’m a final year student while he’s a hardworking guy who has accomplished a lot. ( I oftentimes feel a bit intimidated by this).Everything was going great for the past 5 weeks. We were communicating really well. He lives like 3 hours away so we don’t get to see each other that much but we communicated well through calling and texting daily. However, the past 2 days have been really weird, He doesn’t reply to my texts or return my calls anymore. On Wednesday, he sent a message much later in the night saying ” I’m not in a good mood, I will talk to you tomorrow” I said fine. The following day I messaged him asking if he was ok, he relied ” No but I’m trying to deal with it” I replied telling him ”ok but remember I’m here if you need me ”. Later in the night he was texting me like normal then I sent him a message telling him i’m gonna call him after I’m through with making dinner he said ok. I tried calling him, he ignored my call !! I sent him a message saying ” I hope you’re ok, I’m going to give you some space so you can sort out whatever it is your going through” no reply. Today is now Friday and he didn’t call or text or anything neither did I. I’m worried sick tho. I really like him 🙁 what should I do ? Do you think I should just move on ? or should I give it some more time ?

  360.  #360Coleen on February 2, 2013 at 6:04 am

    Im so glad l found this place! I need help!. This is my problem: l’ve been dating a guy for a few months now. I met him about 10 months ago, he was engaged, they broke up in september and few days later we started to date (please note l didn’t know he was engaged he told me later).

    The relationship was GREAT at the beginning, he was all over me and l was all over him but started to cool out somehow, l realized l became to attached. We have an extreme relationship, VERY good times and VERY bad times. But life gives you different situations and because of his job he will have to move 8 hours away from here (and l mean flying 8 hours). That will be next month, we talked about ‘spending the time we have together and see what happens”, but l really want to continue with him. People around him ask him questions of whats going to happen since (l didn’t know this) he introduces me as his girlfriend and people think its pretty serious.

    He told me that we will have a nice dinner on valentines, but l don’t wanna put my hopes on that. I did realized one of my rings disappeared and in my heart l wish it was him who took it for measurements or something, but he is a VERY quiet person and doesn’t share his feelings at all.

    The stress of the moving is being really bad for us, and we are fighting a lot. Maybe I should mention that last saturday we had a fight and somehow l ended up saying ‘l love you’….he yelled at me and said ‘don’t say that!!! it will be harder for you when l leave’ (please note ‘harder for YOU’) but after that he became the most wonderful guy and suggested the Valentines dinner. Everything was good until yesterday, he got mad because he was going to give me a kiss and l didn’t see it and walked away….l need help, l am in love, he will go away, l want to leave with him but l know l have been there ALL the time for him and that maybe he is not thinking of continuing this…please help

  361.  #361Sunshine on February 2, 2013 at 8:25 am

    Hi Rori,

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. We are both 21. We’ve always had little quarrels and get mad at each other but it was nothing big till recently he keeps wanting to break up after every little argument. The arguments aren’t big. I don’t even remember what or how these little disagreements start. But now he is asking for space and he is not sure what he wants to do. He says that he can’t stand that I have restrictions on how long I can stay with him. So he broke up with me. The reason is that I am Asian and my parents are kind of strict. He use to understand this but now I think he is just fed up with it. What should I do? I love my boyfriend and it hurts to hear him say these things.

  362.  #362Rori Raye on February 2, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Sunshine – What are the problems you’re arguing about? What are your “strict” rules that are bothering him? You’re both VERY young – I’d like to encourage you to get out there and DATE!!!! You’re in a perfect place and age to be incredibly desirable to SO many men! Why be with one who “isn’t sure how he feels about you” – even for temporary boyfriend status? If you want to get married young, perhaps you need to be with a slightly older man who knows what he wants in this life? Love, Rori

  363.  #363Rori Raye on February 2, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Dina – If you’ve hung out here at all – you know one of my most important Tools and concepts is Circular Dating. You’re in the “Girlfriend Trap” and you need to DATE this man, not be invested in him. If he’s gay – you’ll notice it about sex – and he’d likely be very interested in you as a friend, and chattier. He just sounds like the kind of man who isn’t quite for YOU. Love, Rori

  364.  #364Rori Raye on February 2, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Anna – I think you’ve misunderstood the Tool. Ignoring a man’s attempts to communicate is a big MISTAKE! Ignoring means NOT being all OVER him! NOT trying to fix things, and make it all better, and get his attention. RESPONDING to a man is what this is all about. By your not responding, you’re doing something fake – and we’re not at all about that here. Love, Rori

  365.  #365Rori Raye on February 2, 2013 at 10:06 am

    Mikaylia, I don’t know how long you’ve been dating this man, but let him do what he’s doing and STOP “worrying” about him. That’s just all now what’s going on. I’m not saying there’s another woman here – but I wouldn’t be surprised. Please Circular Date. You can still date him if he calls, but stop the “boyfriend thing” – he’s not behaving like a boyfriend, so forget about that. Love, Rori

  366.  #366Rori Raye on February 2, 2013 at 10:09 am

    Coleen, Please invest in my ebook (in the sidebar – just click on the cover…) – there are so many things that can help you. Arguing is a problem always, saying “I love you” is nearly always good. Long Distance sucks, and he’s now faced with what to do with you. Let him stew, let him move, let him figure it out. YOU – Circular Date the minute he moves – and start doing it therapeutically right now (not officially dating other men, just using the tools with everyone you meet). Love, Rori

  367.  #367Sunshine on February 2, 2013 at 10:47 am

    The problems that we’ve been having is him not having enough time for me. He always had time for me but recently it’s been going the opposite way. We both go to school full time and and we don’t work. I expect him to spend time with me during the weekends but he wants to be with his friends and they have priority. So that’s what usually opens the problems portal. My restriction is that my mom restricts my time out. She has tried to be more understanding and now we get to spend about 4 hours on the weekends. That’s 4 hours per week. He recently told me that he wants a girl that he could spend a lot of time with and go on dates with. He use to try to work around my schedule but now he is being mean and rude about it.

  368.  #368Sunshine on February 2, 2013 at 10:57 am

    The problems that we’ve been having is him not having enough time for me. He always had time for me but recently it’s been going the opposite way. We both go to school full time and and we don’t work. I expect him to spend time with me during the weekends but he wants to be with his friends and they have priority. So that’s what usually opens the problems portal. My restriction is that my mom restricts my time out. She has tried to be more understanding and now we get to spend about 4 hours on the weekends. That’s 4 hours per week. He recently told me that he wants a girl that he could spend a lot of time with. He use to try to work around my schedule but now he is being mean and rude about it.

  369.  #369Sunshine on February 2, 2013 at 11:29 am

    The problems that we’ve been having is him not having enough time for me. He always had time for me but recently it’s been going the opposite way. We both go to school full time and and we don’t work. I expect him to spend time with me during the weekends but he wants to be with his friends and they have priority. So that’s what usually opens the problems portal. My restriction is that my mom restricts my time out. She has tried to be more understanding and now we get to spend about 4 hours on the weekends. That’s 4 hours per week. He recently told me that he wants a girl that he could spend a lot of time with.

  370.  #370Sunshine on February 2, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    Hi Rori!
    We’ve been arguing about time and how he says he doesn’t have time but he has time to be with his friends. His friends get priority over me and this has been going on recently. All the other time is that he would get mad when I’m late to be with him. I understand why he would be upset about lateness but now he never has time for me and gets mad when I ask him what to do. So we would fight and then he’d throw in let’s break and breaks up with me. It is always me to apologize first. He use to never be like this.
    The strict rules are the amount of time we get to be together. My mom is very protective of me. We get about 4-5 hours on Saturday to be together. Usually he wouldn’t mind meeting me up somewhere to get food but now he wouldn’t even do that. Why has he changed so much?

  371.  #371Anna on February 3, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    Hi Rori! Thanks for the advice! I did speak to him and he told me he just needs some time to ‘find himself’. He told me he really wants to be with me and none of this is my fault. He did tell me earlier in January that he needs to find himself, and I did notice he was getting back to normal and then his dad fell really sick and that really stressed him out. His dad came out of hospital on Saturday and we spoke yeasterday and he still seemed abit stressed out. Rori I dont know whether I should give him some more time to sort himself out.

  372.  #372Kylie on February 4, 2013 at 6:14 am

    Hi rori

    My boyfriend has not been contacting me for 3-4 times at a day. I explained to him I need more contact..he said okay and it was fine for a bit. Now his doing it again. I can’t help but give him the cold shoulder when he contacts me because I’m so annoyed. Am I handling this right? Is it bad to give him the cold shoulder once in a while?

  373.  #373Jenny on February 4, 2013 at 6:15 am

    Hi rori

    My boyfriend has not been contacting me for 3-4 times at a day. I explained to him I need more contact..he said okay and it was fine for a bit. Now his doing it again. I can’t help but give him the cold shoulder when he contacts me because I’m so annoyed. Am I handling this right? Is it bad to give him the cold shoulder once in a while?

  374.  #374Femininewoman on February 4, 2013 at 6:35 am

    Hi Kylie. Do you have any of Rori’s programs? The cold shoulder is not something that brings a man closer. What is your intuition telling you?

  375.  #375Kylie on February 4, 2013 at 6:42 am

    @ femininewomen: Ive tried speaking to him. I have no other optiton other than giving him the cold shoulder now..to show
    him no it’s not alright to ignore me and talk to me when it suits him.

  376.  #376Femininewoman on February 4, 2013 at 7:25 am

    From Rori’s email

    “So Instead Of Giving, Let’s Think Of This As RADIATING
    “Girl” energy radiates love, warmth, peace, sensuality, fun – all the great stuff you want to GIVE to him.

    So, if you’re just being in Girl energy all the time with him, you’ll be RADIATING and GIVING all the time. You’ll be open, emotionally available when he’s around, warm and loving – all states of BEING that don’t necessarily mean you have to DO anything about them.

    You just ARE.

    And when he’s around you like that, he gets the message 24/7 that you love him, respect him, and accept him – just as he is.

    He’ll feel inspired to give to you without feeling afraid that you’ll REJECT him. He’ll give to you, and then what will automatically happen is you’ll RADIATE even more out of your heart – you’ll thank him with your smile and appreciation.

    And this is PLENTY giving!

    Where we all got steered wrong is in the DEFINITION of giving. The trick of giving to a man is in giving him what makes him feel good to receive – not what makes us feel good to give. And…

    The best gift you can give a man is to feel happy.

    To let him make you happy.”

  377.  #377Rori Raye on February 4, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Jenny – a “cold shoulder” is useless in love. It just breaks down the relationship. And – I’m not sure I understand – he’s not contacting you for 3-4 days at a time? If that’s so – it’s not boyfriend/girlfriend exclusive relationship good enough. I don’t know how old you are…but please get my ebook and learn how to speak in feeling messages and negotiate. You can say “I need to feel you, and I can’t feel you when I don’t at least hear your voice. I’m happy to call you some of the time, but mostly, I need to feel your energy, and I can’t feel it unless I’m on the receiving end…” Love, Rori

  378.  #378Melanie on February 5, 2013 at 11:43 am

    Hi Rori! Me and my husband have been together for 8 years, we have 2 children together but have been going through some hard times the past couple of months. In november he told me he didnt love me anymore, I ignored him left him alone refused to believe it was true and gave him his space to “think”, he came around after 2 weeks and we enjoyed our christmas together with our children. Now its been 2 weeks since he’s been home when he does come home its to shower and change his clothing, he doesnt acknowledge me, or even our children (who miss him and are constantly asking for him) He’s out partying and drinking, even started smoking – and none of this is him I feel as if maybe he is trying to find himself? but im not sure of him or anything right now. The first week he started to not come home id text him a couple times asking if he was coming home it was all out of the blue to me, but he’d just ignore me completely. I eventually asked his mom if she’d heard from him, she said no, I explained to her its been a week since hes been home she got extremely worried even yelled at me for not telling her sooner, she got a hold of him and let me know that he is at least safe. Saturday he told me he loves me that he always will, then monday tells me he doesnt love me anymore, feels nothing for me, and doesnt care for me anymore that hes over it, so ive been “ignoring” him now, but its hard when there is kids involved i dont know what to do. I feel as if he doesnt know what he wants or where he is headed, but this i love you i dont love you each other day makes me feel like he is just playing mind games with me. Should i move on for the sake of my children? I really just dont know how to cope with all this.

  379.  #379Melanie on February 5, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    I just feel like I’m not his mother I’m his wife – I shouldnt have to nag him to come home, I shouldnt have to text him and worry about where he is or what he is doing all day long, Im a mom I have things to do and my days are usually very busy, I dont want to be waiting up all night for a man who doesnt care to come home to me, so lately Ive been getting my sleep and living for me. But how do you know when the relationship is over? It kills me to think of throwing 8 years away, but he refuses to do counseling and says he doesnt love me anymore, how do i know when to give up.

  380.  #380Rori Raye on February 6, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    Melanie, Please get yourself to an attorney and learn what you need to do to protect yourself financially should you decide to leave him. It will make you feel stronger. I’d then take all this energy we all give to the men in our lives and put it directly on on YOU! Take time to breathe, take baths, go to meditation groups and church, walk in the neighborhood and in the woods – whatever you can do. And you don’t say if you work or not – but you’ll have to find some kind of meaningful or enjoyable part-time work if you don’t have any now. Get started looking and seeing how you’d work that out. Start Circular Dating by simply NOTICING that there are other men in the world and feeling good about yourself – flirt! Then, be as good and kind and loving and listening to your husband when he calls or shows up as you can – because the most important people here are your kids – and they can’t handle you being angry about their father. Let him find himself, and express your FEELINGS! Please get the ebook and learn how to communicate in this new way. Love, Rori

  381.  #381candy on February 6, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    Is it possible for a relationship to recover after me being way too needy and pushing him away because of my insecurities and neediness… He lived with me for 6 months…but we had a little fight and left. Since then his job got hectic and his mother came down with brain cancer. He has a lot on him…but he won’t make time for me…we baely talk unless I initiated the contact…um being overly needy cause I want some attention from him…when I don’t get it, I get angry and tell him to just say he doesn’t care about me anymore…so I know whether to move on or not. I love him.

  382.  #382candy on February 7, 2013 at 4:49 am

    Also, when I ask anything about us or ask him to tell me whether he cares or wants nothing more to do with me….that’s when he goes silent…..he has sad before just give him a little time cause he is dealing with a lot….but why does he ignore me?

  383.  #383Nicole on February 7, 2013 at 11:58 am

    Does this really work? And what if you have to do it every couple of months, that doesent seem like a healthy relationship. I’m having this problem right now with my boyfriend and it seems to happen a lot. It’s hard to ignore the hurt feelings. And to be happy enough to go out and enjoy myself. Any advice?

  384.  #384Rori Raye on February 7, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    CAndy, Welcome – and nothing you do to try to get him back will work until you fix this needy/angry syndrome within yourself. Because your whole “vibe” is one of WANTING him – that’s all he can feel. Please Circular Date JUST to practice the Tools – start with the ebook. Love, Rori

  385.  #385jessica leblanc on February 10, 2013 at 9:06 am

    Hi Rori what is circular dating?

  386.  #386candy on February 11, 2013 at 6:01 am

    Thanks Rori…..I am trying the whole circular dating without dating…..my question is this….since he needs space and is having a hard time dealing with his mother’s terminal illness.. do I contact him at all, or just let him be? He is posting things on facebook and a lot lit of his female friends are giving sympathy and encouragement….do I do the same or completely let him be?

  387.  #387Cindy on February 14, 2013 at 6:59 am

    Rori….any words to the wise…..on Valentine’s day, if ur giving ur guy ur dating space….do u send him a happy Valentine’s day message?

  388.  #388So lost on February 19, 2013 at 11:08 am

    I really need some advice. My ex bf has been dating someone just 3 weeks after we broke up. It’s been 6 weeks now. The other day he text saying how much he misses me, that’s he is so unhappy, doesn’t know who he is anymore, that he hears voices in his head that make him think horrible things, that I need to watch for his last show because its going to be spectacular, and that he is dying on the inside and know ones sees it. He drinks all the time and never did when we dated for two years. He is the one that ended it and has never have me a reason why? I’ve been told that he puts things on his Fb about him and his new girl but that it feels to everyone that all he is trying to do is rub it in. He works on the road and in two weeks be out of that town and probably leave her behind. Everyone is totally disgusted in the way he is acting and don’t know why he went from nice guy to being so cruel. I can’t get my head around why he tells me all these things about being unhappy, and that his smile is gone since he left. I know I shouldn’t but I still care about him and feel like he is just keeping me in a string. 🙁

  389.  #389Rori Raye on February 19, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    So – you are very kind. Perhaps he’s started on drugs, or medication? There’s nothing you can do for someone who doesn’t want to help himself. Can you get some help to move on? Love, Rori

  390.  #390Angie on February 22, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Good Afternoon Rori,
    I absolutely love watching and receiving emails from you and am thinking of getting your program! I met my now husband about 5 years ago, we were very casual but in a monogamy relationship! He never really does anything just because for me, I rarely get gifts for Christmas birthdays etc! We just got married after 4.5 years and are in a LDR due to military. Since he doesnt call, barely texts and we are not really in comminication. I knew it was going to be rough, but his lack of communication skills are just ruining what we just started! I really want it to work as we have a daughter, but ultimately I need 50 50 and I need someone to communicate openly with me in order to sustain this ldr! Any advice on how to keep things moving? I have a feeling he is not willing to out in the work but expects me to hold everything together! And has somehow lost respect for me because I am the strong, mother like figure!

    I need a good strong man!

  391.  #391Rori Raye on February 22, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Angie – I talk a lot with military wives – and there are many variables – first of all – where’s he stationed? And if he’s not in a war zone – can you join him and live a military life? I would get on some forums for military spouses and participate…there are things you can do that I likely don’t know about that would help….Skyping is clearly something he can do if he has any kind of common areas. Even men in war zones have that capability. The women I know who’re married to career officers travel and move with their men. The availability of other women is also a question here, and it all depends on where in the world he is, and the size of the base he’s on. Love, Rori

  392.  #392Angie on February 22, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    Rori, unfortunately no I can’t join him he’s in a special forces school and it’s only for 18 months in NC! I guess what I was steering at, is since he left its been difficult to pillssy the least and I can’t keep this relationship going by myself! He has opportune moments to regularly call Skype what have you but opts not to I suppose! I’m confused about the whole ordeal and I would feel selfish and unhappy just to let it go and do my own thing! But, I can’t break ground with him to WANT to try a little extra harder! Almost feels as if we R married and he’s got me in the bag no need to make the extra effort!
    However, about women being available, of course, after school and work he can check out and do as he pleases!

  393.  #393Angie on February 22, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    Rori, unfortunately no I can’t join him he’s in a special forces school and it’s only for 18 months in NC! I guess what I was steering at, is since he left its been difficult to say the least and I can’t keep this relationship going by myself! He has opportune moments to regularly call Skype what have you but opts not to I suppose! I’m confused about the whole ordeal and I would feel selfish and unhappy just to let it go and do my own thing! But, I can’t break ground with him to WANT to try a little extra harder! Almost feels as if we R married and he’s got me in the bag no need to make the extra effort!
    However, about women being available, of course, after school and work he can check out and do as he pleases!

  394.  #394Rachell on February 25, 2013 at 6:56 am

    I have been in a horrible marriage since 2006. I knew I should have never married him from the beginning, but I did anyway. I could tell you all endless and endless stories of bad scenerios regarding my marriage, but I won’t. It’s not getting any better because now he tells me anything and his words are like venom.

  395.  #395Rori Raye on February 25, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Rachell, Welcome, and I’ve deleted your last name for your privacy. I hug you across space, and hope you find the strength to walk away from something that makes you so unhappy. Love, Rori

  396.  #396Reet on February 27, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Dear Rori ,

    I am 23 yrs old and have been in a relationship with a guy for 4 years now. Though, it has become a long distance once since 3 years. Everything was great between us but we were trying to find a solution of how this is going to work out, because I am still doing a course that will last a few more years. We feel we are perfect for each other, and he said he won’t ever be able to love anyone else and he will not be happy ever. So he said he needed some space, few days of no talking. I thought he meant he wanted to break up, so i lost control, got emotional, cried for hours on the phone to him, which i shouldnt have done. Then i phoned him back to say good bye and asked me not to go, and he just doesn’t say good bye. I know he’s hurt, and he does still answer my calls, but we don’t talk like we did before and he told me that he is trying to keep himself busy. I gave the “silent treatment” for 4 days, and then he started emailing me links to some songs and texting. I phoned him on the 6th day, and he said he worries about my studies and wants me to focus on myself. I also phoned him in the morning, and said can i have a hug…and he said you can. But it’s just not like it used to be, he’s acting distant. Do you think I should cut off contact for some time?

    Thanks Rori

  397.  #397Rori Raye on February 27, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    Reet – So sorry, and in my way of thinking, Long Distance just doesn’t work for longer than a year or two tops, and then you have to see each other as often as possible. Because you’re looking at another few years of this separation, please consider a true break with him, long enough for you both to date others (you’re both so young! – and if it’s meant to be when you’re done and in the same place – then it will happen! Love, Rori

  398.  #398Ally on February 28, 2013 at 9:31 am

    Hello Rori,
    I hope you can help my heavy heart!! My Hubby and I married young. We’ve been through a lot in the last 15 years, but we’ve NEVER been through this situation before. Recently, my Hubby had a job transfer 3000 miles away. We see him every 2 weeks for about 5-7 days. Long story short… I caught him sending flirty text to another married woman at is work. Nothing to racy. I would G-rated it. There were about 10 text between the 2 of them. It wasn’t a every day thing.
    I confront him and told him how I felt he
    assured it was nothing and he was just lonely.
    He said he would not text her any more and would delete her #. 2 weeks later…. I Checked his phone and there again was more flirty text to his coworker. (50 texts between the 2 of them over a 2 day period.) they only talk through texting. But this time I was FED up and out the door!! He begged me to stay and kept saying its nothing!!! I would reply, if its nothing why are u doing this? Hurting me when u know how I feel? Of course, he didn’t know why. That night we had a real conversation, we came up with a plan. He would not text her and would delete her #. 2 days later we were enjoying just the 2 of us, kids in school. I saw his phone went to see if he deleted her # and I was delighted to see he did!! That’s when I decided to type her number in and it came up another name!!! My heart broke…. This time I went crazy, I’ve NEVER felt such pain and felt more betrayed than ever…. He knows this hurts me?? I yelled and scream as he sat looking disappointed in himself…… He quickly grabbed his phone and started to delete her #. once again the sucker I am….. We talked and made another agreement. If she was to ever text he would have to leave it for me to
    read….. I can look at the phone whenever I
    want to try and repair the trust we once had.
    2 weeks went by. I was pleased to see
    everything was falling into place but this time I
    felt we were stronger, both of us really trying
    hard to make things work!!! I was happy until
    I went to pay the AT&T bill but the password
    was changed?!? That’s when red flags were
    once again waving!! I called a got the
    password from my Hubby, but he was acting
    strange and was telling me why he had
    changed it!!! That put me on alert to
    investigate…..thats when I saw she had
    texted him. There was 9 texted between the
    them. When I saw the date of the texts I
    realized he had deleted them from his phone.
    So I couldn’t read them!! I called him saying
    what I saw and he kept saying…. It’s nothing I
    promise!!! I was so upset I hung up on him….
    I tried calling him back after 2 days but he
    refuses to answer the phone. It’s been one
    week now since we last spoke… I reached out 2 times leaving him a short message to call and 1 text short text telling him to call. I can see he’s not using his phone at all!! But when I lefted the voicemail he checked it within 2 mins. I’m not sure what’s going on!! How can u not want to call or check up on your kids?? I know his job is stressful and he needs his phone most the time!! But he not using it at all!! No incoming or outcoming calls. But voicemail when I left a messages?? I don’t know what to do?? HELP!!

  399.  #399Rori Raye on February 28, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Ally, Welcome, and before we even talk about what to DO – clearly what you ARE doing isn’t working! I recommend you finding Dr. Sheri Meyers and her book Chatting or Cheating – she lays it out for you in the book, exactly what to do. The FIRST thing I’d do is find a way to see him more often, even if it means uprooting the kids and taking them to his new city, and finding part time or temp work there, or organizing a long-distance way to work at your present job. Until then – Circular Date. Learn how to do it here…Love, Rori

  400.  #400Kylie on March 1, 2013 at 3:11 am

    My boyfriend called me his bestfriend. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

  401.  #401Angie on March 1, 2013 at 8:57 am

    Kylie! No! You should be best friends! You are Partners right?! Lol just means your boyfriend is right on track and sweet as can be to appreciate the robustness of your relationship, while, you, are over analyzing the small stuff!!! Just stop! Enjoy him 🙂

  402.  #402Chloe on March 4, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    I feel like my boyfriend is avoiding him. He hasn’t really been talking to me as much. Why is that and what should i do?

  403.  #403Chloe on March 4, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    *avoiding me

  404.  #404Rori Raye on March 4, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    Chloe, Welcome – and a great deal depends on how old you are. If you aren’t 18, I can’t even answer you! Love, Rori

  405.  #405Ally on March 4, 2013 at 11:56 pm

    Thank you for your GREAT advice Rori!!
    I’m now looking to uproot the kids and start a new adventure in my Hubby’s new location!! Thank you so much!! God bless you!

  406.  #406Ally on March 5, 2013 at 12:08 am

    Thank you so much Rori!! Your advice was greatly appreciated!! I can not thank u enough!! God bless you!!

  407.  #407Allei on March 6, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I’ve tried this and it’s been 2 days that he’s been acting distant and cold. I really want to approach him and talk about it. Should I since it’s been a few days now?

  408.  #408Rori Raye on March 6, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    Allei – Sure, share that you’re feeling stress between you, and is there anything you should know, or anything he’d like to talk about….Love, Rori

  409.  #409Letitia on March 7, 2013 at 5:01 am

    I was being ignored all day yesterday and today I said ‘via text you don’t usually ignore me so I thought something was wrong’. Now after reading this I totally regret that reply. I was going to try to fix it but looks like that’s a bad idea

  410.  #410Gemma on March 8, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    Dear Rori, Me and my boyfriend are both 20. We’ve been together for 2 years. However recently his started acting more protective of me. What does this mean? :s

  411.  #411Jade on March 13, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Hi there, i am 21 and my boyfriend is 25, we have been together for nearly 3 years and i know we both love each other alot. We speak everyday not about alot .There was one week wen he was on holiday that he always wanted to see me and we got on so well i was over the moon . Then everything just changed a week later he kept delaying me to watch footie with his friends at first i said ok and we changed the day to meet. Untill he was doing it quite often that one time i was at his house i left because he started an argument with me wen his frend wanted to come round. I dont mind seeing his frens but what i dont like is when he takes the mick and cancels on me and argues with me about seeing his frens. I dont have to spend my free time from studying with them. He is with them every day wen i am not with him so i dont understand the problem why wen im with he still wants to see them. He also dosent text me wen hes around his frends forgets to call or text and theres one worded answers which is often. i understand that a man needs to chill but i hes with them everyday wen do we talk?and its always me saying u forgot to call. hay u didnt text back. i recently said i feel invisible. i pushed him so much that i was unhappy that hes saying this is our last chance because this is all we argue about. he said i dont really talk its just the same things i say. i dont give him space and if he dosent text me cant i jst leave it. n how i dont give him a chance to text me. hes feeling that he dosent want to soeak to me anymore and that i dont feel like his girlfriend. i was so shocked to hear this as he dosent share his feelings. now i feel awful i havent a clue what to do. i dont want to loose him by being pestering. i am trying to keep it cool and make fresh conversations but i just feeling paranoid that its not working please help me. i want him to want to speak to me and i want to be less of a pest but it soo hard as used to saying what i dont like straight away! Is there hope

  412.  #412Rori Raye on March 13, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Jade, Welcome – and please read everything you can here – and if you can download the ebook – do it (over in the right sidebar). You’re going about this in the wrong way on TWO fronts – first, you’re chasing and caring way too much about this man, and second – what the heck are you doing getting all hung up and exclusive over a guy who’s clearly too young and immature to be in a relationship and isn’t giving you the adoration you deserve? ESPECIALLY at your young age, when there are men EVERYWHERE!!! Love, Rori

  413.  #413sandra on March 14, 2013 at 11:32 am

    Hi again. I was on here a few months back to fid out how to get my bf back loving me like before. Well your advice seem to have worked. I circuler dated , I didnt act out of fear and I completely stopped overfunctioning. Now he is so back in love with me like before, he dotes on me, he has talked about marraige again and hes so sweet to me like before. Its like the answer to my prayers and I never thought he would go back to this again. Now how do I react when hes being so sweet, should I encourage him more and give it back or is that not a wise move

  414.  #414June on March 21, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    My bf and I were together for 10 months then took a break for a bit cause he had family issues going on….we are back together….he texts me a few times a day….but I’m not a priority when it comes to making time to see me? I’m not sure what to do….when I ask him about it, he shuts down…..and doesn’t wanna talk about it….how can I make him realize I’m worth more? I do notice when I keep my replies to his texts short that he tends to start putting in more effort… Do I just continue to put in the same mount of effort that he does and no more….or do I continue to be the giving gf that I am? I’ve read ur book….I’m just not sure how to go about this….I’m trying to be less needy….wait for him to contact me…I worry I am too giving or that he knows I care so much that he knows I’m always gonna be there….I know the doing too much is taking away from his role.

  415.  #415Rori Raye on March 21, 2013 at 10:04 pm

    June, Welcome – and if you’ve worked with the book, then you know what my answer would be about you being a “giving girlfriend.” The choice is yours, and it’s all laid out in the book – the Tools work if you’re willing to learn Feeling Messages and DO the Tools 24/7. Love, Rori

  416.  #416June on March 22, 2013 at 3:59 am

    Thanks Rori! I’m gonna try really hard to find the right balance so I’m not taking away from him and letting him use his masculine energy….

  417.  #417Dilemma on March 23, 2013 at 5:40 am

    Hi Rori,

    I need some advise. My boyfriend of two years hasn’t really been making much effort to contact me recently. I hear from him every 4-5 days and he acts like nothing is wrong. I questioned him about it and he says his just been busy lately. I’m not sure how to handle this situation. Should i dump him?

  418.  #418Rori Raye on March 23, 2013 at 9:36 am

    Dilemma – Welcome – and it all depends on what YOU need in order to call a man your “boyfriend.” Boyfriend is a pretty big deal to me. No one would get that privilege unless all my requirements were met. That means as much contact as YOU want, a great many things. Otherwise, what’s the point? Circular Dating is the ticket. Love, Rori