I’ll Pursue You, Open Up For Me

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Here are some words of wisdom from Jake, the Bachelor:

To Corrie, who he obviously liked but couldn’t get close to….”I’ll pursue you, open up for me....”

To Gia, after he didn’t give her a rose and walked her to the waiting limo. He said their relationship had a lot of “stops and starts,” and Gia said that she was slow to “open up” – and here’s what he said to her that knocked me out, hearing it straight from a man:  “...That next guy…set your bar SO high, because you’re an amazing girl…Make him work for you…

Jake is no brilliant philosopher – he’s just a regular sort of man – but sometimes he seems pretty deep because he’s such a straight-shooter.  He almost seems unable to not tell the truth.

I thought these two bits were powerful enough for a whole post…

Make him work for you.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Goodheart on February 22, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    Rori, can you give us some tips on “opening up” & “setting the bar high”? This must seem so natural & easy for most women, but you wouldn’t believe how difficult I find this.

    What does opening up feel like? I am confused how I can make him work for me & still open myself up. I feel like an infant when it comes to this…

  2.  #2tinque on February 22, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    Goodheart – It’s difficult for most women, really it is.
    Opening up is keeping your heart wide open and receiving no matter how you feel, even sad, even angry.
    It’s energy, not action. You feel expanded, as big as the universe sometimes. Your heart feels full, full of love for you and everyone you care about.
    Keeping the bar high means you accept nothing but the best of treatment, no crumbs. And this doesn’t mean expensive gifts though it could happen. It doesn’t mean a man can’t mess up. We all mess up, but you can feel the difference between maliciousness and misstep.
    This is all a process. It takes time. It has to. Too fast, and you cannot integrate.

  3.  #3tinque on February 22, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    How do you this? Little bit by little. You build trust within yourself. It’s learning how to relax. It’s learning to love yourself. There are numerous tool here to try. Try them all on, and see which ones fit.

  4.  #4Wonder Woman on February 22, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    I love this post. I have raised my bar and I’m holding it up high….there will be no limbo dancing or crawling under my bar…..he will have to prove he can jump it.

    Goodheart I can relate to what you say…..Tinque thank you for your advice….I know one of my biggest hurdles will be in opening myself up it makes me feel very vulnerable but I can see and trust that as my confidence grows this will become much easier. xx

  5.  #5Kimberly on February 22, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    Perfect advice.

  6.  #6Mercedes on February 22, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    I miss you girls….

  7.  #7Tina on February 22, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    Today I felt closed off, I cant be “on” all the time. Some days are I’m just feeling off, I was thinking though , if I was picking up on peoples “offs’ and not really off? hm. I dont like the feeling of going through a day without using a feeling message, which I did so I cant be “off” I used a lot of feeling messages now that I think back on my day. My son, gas station attendent, clerk at the mall, gym lady, Oh and the lady at the salon caught my left lip curl and rolled eyes when I said hi to a woman I dont “get along” with, salon lady caught my facial expression and laughed, she was very talkative with me after that. I felt embarressed and awkward after that. I was approached by two people today and I felt um suffocated or something, or was it that I felt closed off at the chest, my chest felt stiff yeah, I felt masculine energy overload at the gym yeah, men pumping iron all around me 🙂 I was feeling judgmental, is that a feeling? anger? I wasnt very organized today, even though I made a list of errands, I did get my errands finished. Make them all work of you!

    I had that discussion with “truckman” he even suggested that I lower the bar, then he says what are you thinking?, why are you so quiet? I said well Im thinking about your question or request and your asking me to lower my standards for you?, I laughed. I dont want to tolerate bad behaviour from him. The situation was at 3;00am I was leaving the bedroom in my fannel pj bottoms and camisole top, he thought it was to “sexy” to walk in to the kitchen and get something to eat because his ‘visitor” was there, I said Oh? but he is sleeping, anyway he ended getting my food for me and serving me in bed lol. I didnt think it was sexy or revealing in anyway , I said what are you going to do when summer comes around? I almost came home at 3am. His visitor made some nice fudge and “truckman” reminded me that the fudge was not part of Valentine’s Day, hehe even if he made it on Valentine’s Day.

    I like the “brand” tool 🙂

    I watched an older couple today at the grocery store, while I was eating at the deli, they seemed to be in sync with each other. They had to be in their late 70’s, he didnt take his eyes off her, she wore a nice wrap skirt with fringe at the bottom, made of heavy fabric, nice, I wanted to ask her where she bought it but decided to watch them instead. He was totally in masculine energy the whole time, she in her feminine until they walked to the shopping cart, as they walked off, I noticed they each had their own shopping cart lol. He never so much blinked in any direction, he took her drink, cleaned off the table, held her bag, I wondered why they had two shopping carts, I figured they were older and he couldnt push the groceries if it was all in one cart so they got two carts instead. They seemed so at ease with each other.

  8.  #8Tara on February 22, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    Wow, that was a great definition of being open and keeping the bar high at the same time.

    I’ve been so busy lately with school, two shows, and some legal matters that I haven’t been able to be here on the website. I’ve missed it!

    Things have shifted a lot for me, mostly because of Circular Dating. Guy A, who’s 20 years younger, taking me and a friend out for Indian food…Guy B, from one of my shows, ogling me and flirting. Guy C, begging me to collaborate on a story with him…Guy D, inviting me to come see him in his show (which I did, with a female friend)…Guy E, bringing wine and giving me back rubs…OK, the only romantic things are going on with Guy E, but it’s nice to be noticed by all the others. Steve? Yeah, he’s still taking me out for coffee and volunteering to help me with theater stuff. But now, he just seems more like practice and free therapy, rather than somebody I “have” to be with. If he steps up, great; I’ll give him a chance. If he doesn’t, oh well. HeeHeeHeeHee — this feels GOOD!
    Grad school in a foreign country is sounding very appealing, too.
    Saw Steve in grocery store the other day, with Jane, teen daughter, and infant. He gave me this big grin when no one was looking, and I, in sweats, grubby ponytail, and no makeup, smiled brilliantly back with my heart open, knowing that I’m a Siren and that he hears my beautiful, wild song.
    But I’m singing for me now, not him.

  9.  #9Robin on February 22, 2010 at 11:33 pm

    Ive just noticed that all the guys i automatically put in the ‘friends’ category fall in love with me & all the guys ive fallen for put me in the ‘friends’ category. Hmm…Maybe i need 2 put all the guys in the friends category…I always thought that would close me off somehow…And i refuse to be friends w a guy that i have feelings for, but i automatically put them in the friend zone??? I guess so…Or i dont know..How do i pull that one off? And…Also i thought its better for a guy to see you as a romantic interest right off the bat…And i talk about all kinds of things w my male friends, sex etc. How do i do this if im not friends w men i have feelings for & all they want is friendship?? I feel like im really on to something huge but i feel so confused…

  10.  #10Robin on February 22, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    Ive just dropped all the effort out of my dating. is it dropping the hoping thats the difference? making guys my friend seems to work for me. but the men im talking about are just not men i would consider building a future with, mostly bc of my core needs & non negotiables-theyre all wonderful sweet men, just not a good fit for me. im explaining bc i feel guilty-and i feel glad i noticed that-i love my guilt. i want to know what makes the difference between these men, what im doing that working-and not working-and how to keep it going once my feelings do kick in. cause lets face it, eventually a guy im dating, after doing enough wonderful thing will win me over. and i dont want it to just fall apart then. this seems to be what happens with me…

  11.  #11T.R. on February 23, 2010 at 12:48 am


    I love your explanation. It helps make it clearer. I feel like I am getting this back more and more. I have been on a few dates with one guy, who seems to be falling for me, and I was just asked to a coffee date by a second guy. I am hoping I can keep the bar high! It feels great having the attention come to me. One guy wants to take me sledding and offered to buy me snow pants so I can go with him.
    This is nice!

  12.  #12Daria on February 23, 2010 at 1:28 am

    I love it!

    I “made a guy work for me today. He wanted to meet me somewhere where he felt more comfortable and knew his way around, and I said no.

    I felt a lil uncomfortable – I thought he was going to “turn on me” and attack me, but he didn’t! Credit to him.

    I feel like I am standing for brand Daria.

    I really like that that guy offered to buy snow pants for T.R.! =)

  13.  #13Daria on February 23, 2010 at 1:45 am

    I am investing in myself!

    I’m purchasing myself EFT sessions with one of the best EFT practictioners who goes waaay back to EFT. Dr. Patricia Carrington.

    Today I had my first session with her, and it was amazing! She got really deep and I feel like wow. This is going to be deeply life changing for me.

    I have felt major shifts in my worldview and my magic powers lately.

    I can now FEEL all my organs when I meditate. I can also feel how “stuff” affects my chakras, like sounds for example.

    I am able to get to what poeple would call “grounded” I bet, when before I wouldn’t be able to get in touch with my root chakra. Yes, I do the Alanna Pratt exercise of imagining my brain and heart are in my pelvis. My brain has much calmer, and good for me and sure of myself thoughts from my pelvis.

    I feel teary eyed!

    The other day I started crying at something my dad said, and he came to try to talk to me about it, and I told him how i felt. not just a lil bit, but really really, like I felt unloved and that I wanted to be loved without expectations. I didn’t argue. I felt heard. I felt wowed that I had this convo.

    I feel more and more powerful as I stumble to ever more wonderous and magical expansion everyday, everyhour.

    I feel healed of my urinary thingy. There is still strengthening to do for me to feel secure in my healing.

    I got “cored” my new word, by a friend whos studying Core Syncronicity, which is basically doing energy work on me from far away. I think he really strengthened my lower chakra connections.

    I purchsed books for myself for my business.

    I just got approved for health insurance at 60 bucks a pop! Last year i tried and they wanted to charge me 190.

    I’m gonna get my Akashik records accessed by Cathryn Taylor on BlogTalk Radio at 3 pm Pacific – online on Wednesday. I want to find out what my soul purpose is, and where im at with that, and what steps I can take next.

    I went to see my Godsister and her liver is still doing well, they did surgery to shrink her tummy and push in her bellybutton which was big from the past few years of swelling, and in a couple of months her tummy will have healed. My bitch is back to normal and healthy, my Godbrother is home with his kids. I didn’t fight with her, I didnt feel rejected or weird either, and when her moms asked me for a ride I Said yes and iddnt feel resentful cuz i ASKED – When are yall gonna get a car? yeah go directness me.

    I went to Capoeira last wednesday the first time and got sore, and now my legs are much stronger when I dance already. Im going to go again wednesday.

    My knees dont hurt no more since I started dancing agian a few weeks ago.

    I read this carzy book today, it triggered em and also inspired me it was called : Section 8 a Hoodrat Novel

    It triggered me cuz many of the main characters died, and I felt swept away in my own drama,

    and it inspired me because my magic is growing and I know I can sweep out a dream life for myself now and heal everything I touch from me mem eme.

    Today when I meditated, I invited my mind to have a home in every cell of my body. And then I blended them. It felt awesome. Everything went all black behind my lids. I’ve been craving to do that and thought I would need help from soemone else, and I did it myself. It felt black. Calm black undescribably vibrating quietness.

    My mind had been floating out my body, and now it has a home in it. It felt like man and woman uniting and making More.

    1+1 = multiplicity.

    It felt like synchronizing and blending made out of 2 more than just that, like amazing baking a cake out of ingredients and getting Cake.


    I have fire in my 3rd chakra. I felt it. I feel it now. I love my fire.

    I am living my magical life.

    I feel so much less judged. I feel like Goddess. I live in Goddess world.

  14.  #14Daria on February 23, 2010 at 2:02 am

    things that are beautiful about Daria:

    the way she can transfer and feel focus when teaching

    the way her voice sounds sexy at so many different pitches

    the way she can put on an outfit that strikes wow

    the way she can walk slow like a Goddes *NEW* inspired by Godsister and Tina

    the way she can notice others talents and then they become her own

    the way she loves games

    the way shes uncompromising about living life in a way that feels good to her

    the way shes a walking encyclopedia

    the way she writes poems out of her subconscious

    the way she adores herself and the things she loves

    the way she can intimidate a man with her mind strength

    the way she inspired a cop to become a social worker

    the way shes ahead of fashion

    the way shes synchronic

    the way her face expresses

    the way she cries profusely *NEW* and like Freya

    the way she feels curious about things that trigger her – like Freya sleeping with 4 dwarfs to get a necklace

    the way she glows after crying

    the way she feels her liver and her spleen and every organ in herself

    the way she eats stuff that she craves for purposes of it Becoming her

    the way her pelvis brain “sounds”

    the way she believes in herself

    the way she braves her incredibly intense despair

    the way she makes prison bars melt with her magic

    the way she loves being paid attention to and praised

    the way she has small hands

    the way she “knows” the world like a Vodun philosopher historian shaman scholar economist system engineer designer architect lover Jesus profet

    the way she lives her life on intuition symbols and calling

    the way she IS the Goddess

    the way she wants to be the best and gathers all best to her to her unique best

    teh way her cheeks feel soft

    the way her fingers are small

    the way she punched a fence and got a red knuckle



  15.  #15Daria on February 23, 2010 at 2:18 am

    I just added a ho as my myspace friend. Here’s to my nonjudgmental friend. I like this girl’s page.

  16.  #16Daria on February 23, 2010 at 2:19 am

    My nonjudgemental friend is me! hehe I open up to non judgement

    Thanks Freya!

  17.  #17Daria on February 23, 2010 at 2:37 am

    He love me more than pussy money weed
    he feel me stronger than greed
    i smile
    and the answer to that prayer
    waterfalls in the lonely spot
    while the fire burns down low and the hurricane spins behind his eyes
    the world turns and his breath feels fresh
    near me

    and me i dont mind if he start out broke

    as long as his dick heart and mind straight

    i can embrace the demons that he tried to fight and then tried to hide

    and i

    will never stain like apple juice on marble

    because time stood still

    and there i was

  18.  #18Aggy on February 23, 2010 at 4:26 am

    ‘Make him work for you’……I feel good just reading this
    that I need to let him give me all his energy in the relationship.
    This reminds me…..one of my men last week shared with me, that when it comes to a relationship/marriage a man does all the loving and the woman is to receive and appreciate her mans love.
    Imagine this coming from a man…….. waw! I was inspired, and I felt happy hearing it from him.
    so there you are sirens let your men do all the loving and your part is RECEIVING and APPRECIATING his love
    good stuff eeeh

    Love you all

  19.  #19Goodheart on February 23, 2010 at 8:50 am

    Robin, I can totally relate to what you said about putting men in the friends category. I was just pondering that last night. Every single man I say I want to “just be friends with” can’t seem to let me go. Is it the challenge? Or the change in my energy? I think both perhaps. I have actually had men from years ago still contact me to ask if I’ve changed my mind! My current male friend has been sniffing around me for a year. Truly, he seems like a puppy chasing me. And the thing is, I can see all of his “tactics” & “strategies” very clearly. It’s amusing, but also very insightful because I realized that is how men who I’m interested in see me – as transparent. So, yes, I think you may be right – put them all as friends, at least in your heart. I find they really work to get you when they think you are not very interested. Make them work to prove they are worthy. I know this is much easier said than done. Especially if you’re like me & just can’t seem to line up enough men to circular date 🙂

    I also do the same thing you do – I’m nonchalant & carefree while a man is pursuing me, but once I start to feel something for him the insecurity kicks in. Now that I have Rori’s tools I will keep practicing them & I feel they will serve me when I start to feel the scared little girl in me start to surface.

  20.  #20Goodheart on February 23, 2010 at 9:01 am

    Daria, thank you for the wonderful images. I am beginning to get it. The other day, I was thinking back to that confident, carefree creature I used to be & I asked myself what I was like & what was happening in my life at those times when men seemed magnetized to me. It was quite simple actually. I was being authentic. I was totally into ME. I didn’t give a hoot about what anybody thought. I sang when I felt like it (my voice is mediocre at best), I did silly dances, ran through sprinklers. This was all on dates & those were the men who were mesmerized. Lately & especially with the man who recently “friendized” me, I was not myself. I was very guarded with him. It was like I was trying to prove myself & win him when it should have been the other way around along! Wow – talk about an A-HA.

    Last night I went online & downloaded all the songs from those days when I truly felt like a goddess. Now I have several cds that instantly bring me back to that time & I’m able to reconnect with my goddess self. I went out & bought goddess outfits. I completely redid my bedroom, moved the furniture, put pretty, girly pillows on the bed. I added a second nightstand to symbolize the man who will come into my life. There are two candles on the nightstand. There are two hearts on my nightstand. I am surrounding myself with everything that makes me feel good & reinforces the feeling that HE is out there & will come to me because I am the magnetic that attracts him & keeps him.


  21.  #21Soignée on February 23, 2010 at 9:39 am

    Thank you for the post.
    I feel really really concearned about it. It is true, the guys when they consider a girl and amazing girl, they can imagine that they have to work hard to get her. Sometimes, we women make our standards lower, so they do not even try anymore and our “price” gets lower. So it was for me. The guys I had better, higher standards for, they want me and respect me even we are not together anymore.
    So is the real truth.

    Such a beautiful topic!!!!!!!!!!!!!Thank you Rori!!!!!!
    It is about a goddess of high-degree-difficulty.

  22.  #22Linda on February 23, 2010 at 10:11 am

    I told S last week that I was a Goddess!… He smiled at me and agreed.

    He lost at Goddess.

    The thing is… when you get comfortable in a relationship, the dynamic changes. Once a guy knows you love him they relax. I can stay open, but then when I lean back and then nothing comes from him, I get bored and feel resentful too. Giving is leaning forward if he is not giving anything. right?

    I find this frustrating. I just want a relationship that flows. I am so tired of looking over my behavior, trying to do it right…and ultimatley messing up cause, I certainly have not gotten what I need.

    On top of all this I think back at the relationship that I was the happiest in in my entire life. The one thats loss brought me to this website… I had a man who gave, pursued, treated me like a princess, called me everyday, made sweet passionate giving love to me at every opportunity…. it felt real, like the ones that are described here but it wasnt. He just left! What felt so real wasnt!

    I wanna to just flow in a relationship. In lots of way I think I hold back because I since I dont know where it is going or becoming permanant and committed… I feel like I need to guard my speech, actions.. etc. For example, I did not share myself my REAL self with S physically because I did not want to endure his rejection. It all feel muddled inside me. I am not a flippent kind of person. I mean what I say and do what I say too.

    I still feel weird and lost today.


  23.  #23Simply Shannon on February 23, 2010 at 10:40 am

    subscribing for now.

    Headed to the beach tomorrow! Woohoo!!

  24.  #24Kristine on February 23, 2010 at 10:44 am

    I keep looking at myself in the mirror and saying, wow, who is the beautiful amazing woman! I think I am falling in love with myself. What really opened my eyes was when a guy told me he “couldn’t handle my ambition towards my career and life around it”. Wow…that was interesting…he just proved to me that he had issues and I realized I didn’t want to build a life with someone who cannot accept me for who I am. My response was simply that I’m ok with that. I love and accept myself completely. My career and my life are my art…my creation. He has every right to not like my art, or anything else that I like. That is his problem, not mine. Wow. I felt so powerful. I was just so into me. I had so much love for myself, it really didn’t bother me much at all what he said. I just felt a little sad, so I decided to treat myself to a weekend away.

    I felt really relaxed and nurtured visiting the ocean. I took a trip all by myself…rented a car and just drove! It felt good to have the wind in my hair. I was scared at first, of the unknown, but I put my trust in the Universe and God that I would be safe. Guess what…everything turned out perfectly! Even better than expected! I loved my little mini vacation. I encourage everyone to try it! You don’t have to spend money, just go exploring around to new places you haven’t been before…and keep smiling and looking for beauty in everything and everyone you see. Get in touch with your natural side…with your connection to the earth. It is amazing!

    I felt so good when I came home. So peaceful. I had bought myself little trinkets…very inexpensive…just a pretty bracelet and sea shell necklaces, to remind myself of my good time and that I was a beautiful goddess.

    I too have discovered that listening to music from when I was younger soothes my soul and brings back my fun, carefree spirit. I play old CDs in the car now and I don’t care if anyone sees me singing and dancing behind the wheel!

    Its so much fun to be yourself! Do what you love to do and who cares what anyone else thinks. You are not hurting anyone and don’t need to feel guilty about pleasing yourself. In fact, you are making the world a better place by letting your light shine and letting everyone see your authentic self!

    One of my favourite books, which I encourage everyone to read, is “Simple Abandunce: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy”, by Sarah Ban Breathnach. It helped my discover my authenticity and open up.
    I feel so alive…so free…so wild…so awesome!!!

    I wish all of you a happy sunshiny day… and wherever you are in the world, look for the beauty in all the little things around you! And especially in the mirror!


  25.  #25Kristine on February 23, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Oops! I just realized I typed the book name wrong…”Simple Abundance”.

  26.  #26Camile on February 23, 2010 at 11:14 am

    I am really looking forward to reading more on this blog, and learning from other great women. I start out with high standards, but when they don’t call for a few days, or ignore a text, I find myself making excuses for the behavior and overlooking… so much. Not how I want to live, or to be treated. I know that when I lower my standards, I’m teaching men how to treat me. I know people have busy lives, make mistakes etc. but when someone really likes you, they make the effort and want to please you. So ladies, let’s keep our standards high, our boundaries in place and expect to be treated the way we’d treat others…. with care and respect.

    Take care,


  27.  #27Lucy on February 23, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Goodheart and Robin, I feel that way about the friends category too. I feel confused about this. I see a guy as a friend and he pursues me like crazy and he even tells me “I feel such chemistry with you” and I’m thinking HUH? How do you feel chemistry with me? I am treating you like a buddy, buddy! and I AM — totally being myself, giving him advice, directing him, etc., like I do with my girlfriends…. But really just ignoring him most of the time, not initiating ever, but responding with “male” energy when he initiates. .. This happens time after time!

    Maybe it is because these men we see as friends-only are “girls” — maybe that’s why we only want them as friends.

    Maybe that’s why it is hard to put a guy we really like in the friends category — we know he is not “girly.” We know he is a real man and that’s why we want him. (all this somewhat unconsciously of course)

  28.  #28Lucy on February 23, 2010 at 11:28 am

    Btw, TN man recently told me that he wants to date me AND be friends. Is that just the obvious point that of course you are friends with people you date, husbands and wives are friends with each other, etc.??? Or does it mean something else?

  29.  #29Goodheart on February 23, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Lucy, great discovery about the girly energy. One of the reasons I am not romantically interested in my current guy friend is that I feel he is too passive. He is giving, yes. He initiates 90% of our outings. Yet he still emits a feminine energy of sorts. I have been told by many of my friends to “just settle.” They say he is such a great guy – stable, the whole ball of wax. I say I can’t give up on all the other things I desire in a partner. One of those is passion & desire. If I were to give in & settle for any of the men I consider just friends I would be telling myself that I’m not worthy of ALL that I want. They argue that he owns a home, has a good job, has respect & love for me. Well, honestly, I have all of those things right now with myself 🙂 I like a man who brings other things to the table.

    I don’t know the whole story regarding TN man, but it sounds like maybe he wants friends with benefits. My last guy wanted to stay friends even after telling me he thought we should date other people. This was after 3 months of dating. We had not had sex. Personally, I felt I needed to break all contact with him so that I could move forward in my life. When a man wants to be friends, a lot of times, it’s so he can keep you close AND keep his freedom. That way you never really get over him, which is great for him, but sucks for you.

  30.  #30heartbeat on February 23, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    Kristine – I feel captivated by the story of your trip – inspired to have one of my own! I LOVE driving to new places, especially by the sea, and playing old tunes on the player. Rock on! Thank you. And my work is so much part of me, too, that I would have to walk if a man said that to me. xx

  31.  #31heartbeat on February 23, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Tinque – I feel excited reading your comment, it gives me the feeling of an open heart. xx

  32.  #32Tina on February 23, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    I love my ” muffin top” hehe! I love my achy leg muscles! I was wondering if my easyily distracted tendancy is some kind of mental weakness lol, or I just want to try everything, do everything all at once. Like a few days ago , I was cutting my toenails, my sister comes in, we start to gossip and I am now – a few days later- still have one foot with uncut toenails, I feel unbalanced! I feel OFF, not turned off, just off like when I wear a shirt, I’m not feeling comfortable in but I wear it anyway.

  33.  #33Tina on February 23, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    The other day I was washing the floor, something happened, distracted again, I left the mop and pail in the middle of the kitchen floor for about three days. Another example, I have clean laundry on my bed, its been there for months now lol, I just push the clothes to the other side of my bed and go to sleep. Closet space wont help if Im not folding and putting things away. I started a pile of dishes to wash, I had good intentions, the dishes were in the sink, with nice bubbles on the top, the water was hot and ready to go, but I didnt do the dishes. So this morning I drained the sink! I love my inability to complete simple tasks on time! 🙂

  34.  #34Daria on February 23, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Tina ! OMGOSH ME TOO!!!!!

    wow I feel so surprised to hear this from someone else!

  35.  #35Lucy on February 23, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Lol. Tina and Daria — that’s me too!

  36.  #36Lucy on February 23, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Oh my gosh, Goodheart! The same thing is happening with me and one guy– my KIDS are telling me to settle for him! (And they haven’t even met him!) He is retired from the police force and told me that the health insurance he gets from that would cover me and my kids, he teaches writing classes at the community college part-time, gets royalties from a book he had published, has a big beautiful house in a wealthy neighborhood with my material-fantasy-come-true: an inground pool! He loves and respects me, treats me like a goddess, adores me…… What more could I ask for, right? But I just don’t feel romantically inclined toward him. Yes, like you said, I want someone I feel passion and desire for. 🙂 He feels that way toward me, but I don’t toward him. Wish I did!!! I’m trying to think if he has that “girl” energy or not…. He initiates and is giving, like you said about yours, but….he also has fallen into a rut— hang out at his house, watch a movie, eat pizza, have sex. BORING! Is that girl energy??? Maybe it is if it makes me feel like I want to take over and say “Can’t we do something different?”

    I LOVE these things you said:

    “If I were to give in & settle for any of the men I consider just friends I would be telling myself that I’m not worthy of ALL that I want.” YES!!!

    “They argue that he owns a home, has a good job, has respect & love for me. Well, honestly, I have all of those things right now with myself.” 🙂 (except I don’t have an inground pool, teehee. but totally not worth settling for!)

  37.  #37Goodheart on February 23, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    Lucy, at least you’re getting sex lol! I have no interest whatsoever in being intimate with my guy friend. It gives me that ick feeling when I think about it because he is like my brother (or maybe since he has feminine energy, my sister!) Oh my.

    The man who is worthy of you will never feel boring (I don’t think I’ve been in a relationship long enough to get to boring :-)) My question is, in the situations where you want to “take over” isn’t that ok? I mean, a goddess can do anything she wants to. When I was in my truest, most magnetic state I never had a problem taking the reins, but I did it playfully with a cute smile & one shoulder shrug, “you know what feel great? A trip to the zoo & ice cream! Oooh, I can almost taste it already & feel the cool breeze off the pond by the monkey exhibit.” We were half-way there before I could finish the sentence. He knew it would make me happy & he would have a part in that. All was bliss.

    Your other-half, when you find him will feel the same way (and I bet that in-ground pool would be as good as dug)

  38.  #38Lucy on February 23, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Lol, Goodheart, the sex is one of the problems — I don’t really want to have sex with him any more because, well, I guess I’m just not that into him, even as a sexual partner. Last time, after the movie, I actually started CRYING when he started getting sexual, because I knew it was getting just too hard to get into it with him because of my lack of feelings for him. Of course, that endeared me to him all the more! (I couldn’t tell him why I was crying, I just kind of said, “I don’t know” — which wasn’t exactly a lie– don’t really know why I’m not that into him .;) ) I had sex with him on our second date because it had been SEVEN YEARS for me, and he was attractive and we both wanted to….. but then it became just part of the routine, which was great for him, but not for me.

    He just emailed me asking me to go to a Thai restaurant with him — I guess he’s trying to spice things up! But I’m just not into him…

    About the girl energy — last time at his house, he got out hot chocolate packets, said, “Pick what you want,” and I picked one, fully expecting that he would then make it for me (Rori’s ways are becoming second-nature! Lol). But — he said he had to go get something, and said, “I’ll have the same kind- can you put it in the cup for me?” and he walked out to do whatever he had to do. I felt so weird! I wouldn’t have felt that way in pre-Rori days, I would have just done it with no problem, feeling like Suzy-homemaker. But something inside me died in that moment — it felt like the beginning of a slippery slope — five years later and he would be sitting on the sofa watching TV and holler to me, “Honey, can you make me some hot chocolate? Thanks Babe.” So, yeah, it looks like he DOES have that girl energy afterall.

    The scary part is that I recognize that pattern from my marriage — before we married, my ex initiated everything and pursued me like crazy, proposed to me after three months of dating — did all the rowing, I did nothing — just like with this guy, “Pool man” let’s call him. But I felt the same way with my ex — no passion for him, but he’s stable, safe, good job, loving and respectful, etc. So I settled for someone who was in love with me even though I didn’t feel it for him. Soon after we married he completely stopped rowing — he had won his prize and that was that! He even expressed it that way to me when I asked him about it! Soon, I was his “mother.” He had wanted a mother, it seems. Turned out to be a “sex addict” of sorts and eventually that drove me to end the marriage. (As I mentioned elsewhere, he recently said — after eight years of living apart– he is now in love with me, that I have put a spell on him, am magnetized, etc. Too bad, buddy!)

  39.  #39gina on February 23, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    I just watched the latest bachelor – it was so juicy!! I love the part where he expresses how he felt watching one of the girls he booted off early on television. I thought she was glowy and beautiful when i watched, too. I have a feeling that he will say no to vienna and tenley, and that he’ll go after that other girl. Oh that would be so wonderful!!

  40.  #40gina on February 23, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    I feel confused about Gia…he said that it wasn’t worth it for him to wait, but that she is worth waiting for…??

  41.  #41Tina on February 23, 2010 at 8:47 pm

    Daria and Lucy, I dont feel so alone now 🙂

  42.  #42Tina on February 23, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    Gina, It’s not you, it’s me?

  43.  #43Cathy on February 23, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    Hi Rori,

    My name is Cathy, I often get your emails and read them. I don’t know how you got my email address but I really relate to what you have been sending me. Me and my boyfriend recently broke up, and this has happened before. I just keep happening. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Either leave him alone or just call him once in a while to see how he is doing. But like you said on your email that would be chasing him and I don’t want to be that person. But whatever is going on with me and my man is not stopping me what I have to do in my life. Hope to get some help from you soon.

    Thank you,


  44.  #44Tina on February 23, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    I’ll open up when I feel like opening up 🙂 I’m just like that. The way I open up may not be what “Jake” would like though:)

  45.  #45Daria on February 24, 2010 at 3:24 am

    I went to the club alone again!


    btw i didnt drink or smoke all nite

    first i went in and i felt very nervous and uncomfortable.

    first i sat at the bar , and these guys i felt attracted to where kinad close, and i felt SO afraid of them, well like tightened up and anxious. I could not like look at them, and i guess it looks lik eim NOT approacheable like that

    then i sat by myself on the side, this guy came close, but I was feeling nervous, i could only eye contact him for 1 second, and he got scared i think and left (he told me later i seemed like i didnt want to be bothered)

    this other guy by me started chatting with me, told me i looked too relaxed sitting (i was leaning WAAAY back relaxing to the best of my ability because i felt so tightened up and nervous

    i started to sway to the music, his friend Dre came and got me to dance. then his other friend Derek was dancing with me. HE seemed insecue. Dre seemd likehe was tryna hook Derek up to dance with me, then when it worked he seemed a lil jealous and would come and they were both dancing with me. so now i looked like i had my dancing buddies for the party

    dancing is fun esp im doing my new approach of swaying slowly and feeling the energy in my body

    i feel really really soft and fluid and Goddessy and it shows

    so after my swaying pretty much all the men in the room had “seen” me

    /I was also practicing hte target tool, that is them shooting arrowas of attention at me from all around, especially when they didnt seem to

    then Derek tried to dance with me for a long time and wanted to buy me a drink. He wasnt a very agressive dancer and at one point this handsome dude came by and told us – him – to step it up… basically i understood he was saying he noticed me and that Derek needs to step it up for me hehehehehe or ELSE

    then finally i sat down, derek was like moving around coming back, and i felt bad cuz i wanted to flirt with other men, but then i leaned back thinking that they could appraoch me Derek or no Derek, and i want to practice receiving energy not scouting with my energy for handsome men

    anyway still it was feeling boring and i was feeling stifled so i got up and went to the bathroom, then didnt come back and stood by the bar

    here Patrick talked to me it turned out he was the one who first had come close and left . i was feleling kinda weird with him too, (both him and Derek i judged as insecure, but I just felt like a lil feminine vibe from them or… my feeling was like… amused and not turned on)

    so he shook my hand so hard it hurt and i kept laughing… he was tryina talk to me then he said he hopes i will save a dance for him i said maybe (thinking that well he could just ask me to dance with him but hes too insecure)

    so i moved by the other bar

    then this other guy comes and is like… mm i thought you were checking me out… i start laughin he says is it true i said… mmm well no i came here to be closer to the dance floor… he was SO TRYING TO BE FEMININE, talking about i should call him, i told him i dont call men, he thinks its not my real number – blah – then that he’s waiting for me to ask him to dance, i said i dont want to ask a guy to dance, i gave him my number, he kept saying hes waiting for me to ask him to dance i said good luck to that, then i said im gonna dance, hes like im holding out my hand come on ask me to dance, i just laughed and turned my back, he didnt come

    some toher guy came and grabbed my ahnd and asked me, he wasnt too handsome but he was grounded MALE energy i felt relieved. he did NOT know how to dance, he was pushing on me, I learned a few days ago that to dance feminine I MUST CONTINUE TO STAND UP STRAIGHT AND LEAN BACK, dont let them push me over, yet stay soft and fluid. So i stood straight like a flower back and danced. I ACTUALLY TAUGHT THIS MAN WHO SUCKED HOW TO DANCE! just through my body movements. Men everywhere were staring at me because I Was just OOZING kindness of “working with him” and dancing, they were all thinking wow that freakin dude doesnt know how to dance with her, mannn ,,, and I didnt let myself look stupid, I didnt feel stupid, I kept my back straight and danced to the rhythma nd slowly with him and he caught on as much as he could to sway with me and i felt really good and liek a total GODDESS

    then i told him thank you and im leaving, he said youre a great danceer thank you, his name was Damian I gave him my number, he wanted to buy me a drink walk me to my car i said thank you no

    MY EXPERIMENT: was going to go up to a guy in the corner who was the one who said Step it Up and tell him… hey are you the guy who told me to step it up ? I just wanted to tell you you look handsome… and leave

    because MY EXPERIMENT that I will be doing is going up to men and starting conversation with ones i find attractive, because I feel like i dont know how to do this, and i know once i do I will open up a new level of openess and no longer feel all tightened up when handsome men are around, so i will attract them.

    SO I was about to and i stopped to check my phone, and when i was about to – btw dude im sure was going to be thrilled – he walked up to another girl and was tlaking to her i was like grr this is taking to long i want to do my experiment but i dont want to wait… when another man came and wrapped his arms around me, and said can he have the last dance before i leave (how did he know i was leaving? these men were hunting me like wolves) i giggled and danced, he was handsome and super tall, masculine, i felt good, i felt protected, he was SMILING SO OO HARD, he was like omg u are so sexy lol I felt really flattered its all in the way I carried myself of course. he was kissing my hand my forehead the top of my head, his name was Derek too he siad im not even gonna get your number, im sure you gave your nubmer to a lot of other guys, im jsut gonna see you, i shrugged and said, okay…? if thats what you want… he caught it and said ok well will you call me i said i dont call men, he said ok well i will take your number if we go out on sunday i said yes. he took it… hehe he was happy…

    while i was dancing with him the guy who had said step it up saw us and said hi to me and to him said wow like congrats bascially for dacning with me, i think it was his friend.

    then i left, told him i dont need him to walk me, but i couldnt find his friend to do my experiment,

    i went out, i ran into this guy who said hi, i said hi, he said youre beautiful i saw you in there, i said thank you i like your coat, we wound up talkinga bout history and philosophy and i told him some intimate thing about my mom and how i feel like im a good influence on her (emotionally) – we chopped it up i felt interested and attracted, Patrick kept tryina come talk to me but i was feeling actually captivated, i did check to see if my experiment guy was aorund but i think i missed him, i let this guy walk me to my car, he got my number…

    I got in my car presed on the pedal, someone came up to my window, it was this guy i saw earlier in the club that i didnt feel attracted to right away, he said license and registration i laguhed, he said can we talk i said i have my foot on the pedal, he said this is an important convo, i said can we have it later, he said how am i gonna find u, i said i dont know, he said can i have your number i said yeah… his name was Phil

    Aaron called me on the way home tryna do the feminine thing i told him i dont want to call men or plan dates, he kept talking about branch out and expand my horizons, i sai dim not interested in that, it would feel nice to see him but im not gonna plan stuff, he wanted to know when im free, then he was talking about when hes free, i felt kinda turned off, but i feel open still , i outgirled him he wanted to take me out

    Phil called he said i sound hood i said i am hood, he was chattering i was chattering, he said lets meet for dinner, dont worry ill pay i laughed i said youre ghetto loool dont worry ill pay hahha, he said yeah im gonna take u to cheeskake facotry and exploratorium i said yeah that sounds goood wow that would feel fun he said yeah i like fun, i said ok im gonna go now he said ok

    and now i came to log in my amaizng nite

    will do my Experiment next time!!

  46.  #46Linda on February 24, 2010 at 4:37 am

    I feel inspired reading the post by Kristine. It is good to be reminded of being faithful to do things just for us. This always makes me happy.

    There are times when I feel open to life, full of energy, I am sure I carry a good vibe then…. Then there are times when I feel tired, drained and have nothing to give. I feel tired, drained and angry today.

    It is easy for me to accept reality. You know the saying “it is what it is”. I dont want to let go of hope but I feel the constant reality before me is trying to destroy that in me.

    There have been some really BIG important things in my life that just not come into line for me. The lack of these things have left holes in me. It seems that no matter what angle I look at, work on, or try, they are still there. “hope deferred makes the heart grow sick”…. is a truth that I am too familiar with.

    I thought that not having S around anymore would be a huge relief. That I would feel better but I dont. I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel worn down, I feel giving up. I question why a people do what they do over and over, promising, talking about something different and good and then not following thru.

    When I read a post like this one and comments I feel like the only reason that I did not get what I wanted is because I did not do something right. Enforcing boundries, stating expectations, communicating in feeling messages, being open, or maybe not open enough. (you fill in the blank)…. It all makes my head swim. I feel like I have learned so much and at other times question if I have.

    I feel clueless today again.


  47.  #47Rachel on February 24, 2010 at 8:16 am

    Guy A is still doing his hot/cold dance and frankly I’m growing weary. But I am seeing myself becoming so much stronger and I’m not falling apart anymore when he goes away. I’m actually having fun loving myself and circular dating.

    When we are together, we have such a fun time and really good conversation and connection… then it’s like he got his “fix” and he’s gone again.

    I’m not initiating anything right now, but I don’t know what to say when he asks me “Why haven’t I heard from you?”

    Everything I say in my head sounds like I’m making him wrong. And I feel like if I just say I’m busy, it sounds like I’m not interested in him.

    I’ve tried a few feeling messages like “It feels better when you initiate” or “I feel happy when I hear from you” but he doesn’t seem to get it!

    Any ideas?

  48.  #48dorothea on February 24, 2010 at 9:39 am

    I haven’t read all the comments but I am just posting real quick to officially join the Mop In The Middle Of The Floor For Three Days/Laundry On Bed club.

    Except I leave the mop in its bucket for weeks.

    😀 hehhh

  49.  #49Tracy on February 24, 2010 at 9:57 am

    its taken time to actually understand making a man work for me…….baby steps but i am starting to enjoy and accept it.
    I feel more confident about speaking my feelings and i feel more outspoken yet vulnerable.
    It feels really good opening up to everyone around not just my dates and i noticed that i am making more friends and enjoying myself regardless of where i am.
    I am grateful for everything i am learning here.I feel the difference in my vibe and the way i relate to the world.It feels really good…thanks goddesses..

  50.  #50Soignée on February 24, 2010 at 10:08 am

    Dear Rachel,

    you do not have to explain anything. You have to smile. In man language when you say him: “I feel happy when I hear from you” it means, that you are interested in him, so he is lazy to chase you because you made him some of declaration that you liked him.
    it is HIM who has to say you these words!! It is HIM who has to start such kind of conversations. Please go to the New Post and have a look to a story I sent to Wonder Woman. It is such a powerful story. I do not know if you read it, but please have a look at dynamics.

    It is like Rori says: we have to be concentrated on us. Not on him.

    In your case I would stop texting him, mailing him. And I would not quickly answer him. Sometimes I would miss his messages.

    He has to work hart to get you. After that it will be HIM who will declare you his feelings.

    You are a goddess and you do not have to explain anything to anyone.

  51.  #51Lucy on February 24, 2010 at 10:25 am

    Oh, Daria, what an amazing story! I LOVE it!! Would it be possible for you to webcam yourself dancing like that — swaying — and post it for us??? I do not know how to dance well — I love love love to dance at home by myself to the radio, but I never dance in public because I don’t know how. But maybe I could sway if you show me how! Btw I just started taking a dancer’s body exercise class and we are doing belly dancing! It is so fun and exciting! Last week the instructor told me I have a great body for belly dancing — “fleshy” Lol. 🙂 She said my shape is considered very attractive for belly dancing.

  52.  #52dorothea on February 24, 2010 at 10:33 am

    I second the request for Daria’s dancing. I feel sooo interested in her style of dancing.

  53.  #53dorothea on February 24, 2010 at 10:43 am

    rachel, when guys aren’t rowing the boat and giving me their energy, or responding to my feeling messages and Don’t Want messages, i stop making myself available to them to behave in the ways I don’t like.

    So I didn’t like that men were relying on text forms of communication to talk to me. I wanted a phone call. And I told them this SEVERAL FREAKING TIMES. they’d even be like oh ok you’re right. But they kept it up anyway.

    They kept it up because I kept being available for the very same treatment I didn’t like. I said one thing but acted like another. I blocked them online so they couldn’t IM me, and I stopped answering their texts. I quit eating the crumbs they fed me. And in a few days they were all calling me:D

    There are so many ways you could go to answer him when he asks why he hasn’t heard from you. Me, personally, I would say “Why, silly! it’s because you haven’t gotten in touch with me!”

    Feeling messages aren’t always compulsory. As long as you are being authentic and taking care of yourself without worrying about what HE’S doing, it’s ok to be playful or give him a little shit like that. In my opinion:)

    Another way I have answered the question of why a man hasn’t heard from me is “I feel a little weird and unnatural chasing men so I don’t want to initiate. But I am feeling really open to hearing from you, and spending time with you feels fun!”

    I could go on, but I’m supposed to be working right now…:P

  54.  #54Linda on February 24, 2010 at 10:46 am

    So far out of all the guys I circular dated last year. NONE worked for me, they were all lazy… do it if they felt like it kinda guys. Maybe it is my age group and they just dont want a real lasting relationship, just some one to hang with or talk to sometimes.

    This thought and general observations concerns me.


  55.  #55Soignée on February 24, 2010 at 11:18 am

    Dear Dorothea,

    I completely agree with you. You, as for me, are doing a great job!! You are so right: why the men have to communicate texting! It is so tiring to answer to these texts, unbelievable!! You are right, when they are treated a little bit hard and not to be available for crumbs, so they start changing!!
    If ladies did not leave them space of being available when they treat us like doormat. OH my God. With this emancipation issue, they start to get lazy. They want to have a lady and pay for their hobbies more than for her!! A football evening is more valueble for them as the woman they are with!!Because the ladies they cheapen themselves so much!! The good ladies they listen to their stories, have understanding for their issues, and the guys do not understand the ladies!! Such an emancipation!!!
    I feel angry for me, for other ladies when they treat us like cheap plays!! We have to stop to consider their crumbs. Only the highest request of respect !!
    And the queen treatment, because

  56.  #56Rachel on February 24, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Thank you!!!!! I am tired of the crumbs and finally to the point where I feel more annoyed than hurt. Thank you for the suggestions of what to say. I know the question is coming!

    And YES DARIA… I would love to see video of you dancing. It sounds like what I feel inside and can’t quite bring myself to express.

    Hugs to all

  57.  #57gina on February 24, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Feelin Triggered. the guy from the other night – let’s call him “Sparky” (cause I feel madly attracted to him) he had texted that we should hang out on Wednesday. I said “I’d love to. I’m available from 2-6 wed.” Then that night, he swung by my apartment. Originally, I said I preferred to go out, but it was cold. so I said “my desire to be cozy is outweighing my desire to be proper. I would prefer to stay at my house.” So he came over. I laid down on my couch and he leaned on my legs. I felt good and leaned back even though I feel so sparkilicious around him. When he left, he said we should go to dinner next time. The next day, he texted to say hi and that he had a good time. But it’s been a couple of days, and it is now Wednesday, and I feel weird and expectant about seeing him since he originally asked about Wednesday. I feel stood up. And yet, there’s lots of stuff I’ll be happy to get done right now.

  58.  #58Goodheart on February 24, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    You see, Lucy, I’m like that too. I just DO without thinking about it. I would’ve made the hot chocolate too. Women seem to just naturally do things for people. I have been that way most of my life & since I’ve never had a real honest to goodness masculine man in my life, I’ve HAD to do everything for myself. It feels unnatural to just sit & expect someone else to step up & do it. Looking back at all I’ve done in relationships, I feel horrified! My God, the one man – I used to ALWAYS go to his house. He never ever came to my house. I ALWAYS drove. I cooked dinner, did the dishes, did HIS laundry for crying out loud! I even cleaned his house & pulled weeds in his yard. I should’ve been getting a regular paycheck for all that! No surprise he did not want to marry me (it’s easier to get a maid :-)) I have not thought about that in awhile. Where was Rori back then lol! Sure could’ve used her.

    Good for you for magnetizing the ex! Any tips you want to share? I was so entranced by the man who recently dumped me & actually treated me very well (flowers, gifts, affection, etc) but still said he just didn’t want to commit, it was him not me (insert cliche here) & didn’t seem the least bit upset to never see me again. Sure would like to feel totally, absolutely sure that he would look at me now & think, damn! shoulda never let that one get away! 🙂 I can dream right?

  59.  #59Daria on February 24, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Hi! I feel so excited you guys noticed my dancing all the way in cyber space.

    Here are some descriptions on how I do it.

    I Imagine my body is a guitar. But a lil more rounded in hte front and back than a flat guitar. Sometimes instead of the guitar I imagine a round bowl. Depends on what I want. My mind’s attention is on my hips. — THIS IS KEY to how I’m dancing lately … the “swaying”

    I then KEEP IT SMALL. I used to keep it big… and push my body. Now my whole attention is on NOT pushing my body. No tight ouch feeling in my body, no strain in my body, just fluid and relaxed.

    So. From here basically, I just 2 step. Yes. A simple 2 step, swaying my guitar. So I keep my feet kinda close together, toes forward, knees slightly bent and flexible. I step to the right lets say about 2 inches!!! KEEP IT SMALL IS SEXY… i used to do about 6, toes pointed forward (not like obsessively forward, jsut tryna be precise for the visual). with one foot.

    When im stepping out, my weight and hips are going toward the foot I’m stepping on. But not all the way there… when I step my weight and hips will actually be in the middle of my body, still in the process of travelling right… remember, FOOT ONLY STEPS like 2 inches!

    Then, step left foot to come close to the right one, bringing left foot heel up and towards right foot heel. Toe of left foot should be stepping down, heel is up close to right heel. Like a step (right foot). touch( left foot). but left heel is towards the right, so left toes is pointing out to the left – NOT perpendicular thats too much (but may add a cute twist), more like angled diagonally to the left. while you touch, this is when weight and HIPS travel decidedly right. REMEMBER GUITAR!! your guitar is swaying LIKE A PENDULUM right now going to the rightmost. The RIGHT knee bends a little to make the hip move to the right fluid. Hips should go PAST the foot, but DONT PUSH TO STRAINING. NO STRAINING!! very important to the feeling of it. IN FACT, it should not get anywhere NEARRRR, straining. Hips should only sway slightly past the foot SLIGHTLY! do it more and youll look ummm (not like what I’m talking about lets put it that way). Your right hip is now slightly to the right, all weight on right foot, like your balancing a baby on your right hip. You can even rest your hand on your right hip for emphasis and to get a good feel of your guitar shape and how its moving.

    IMPORTANT EMPHASIS! PAUSE! Pause for a split second at the top swing of your pendulum. This makes a big difference. Pause should only be a SPLIT second, just enough so that there was a pause, but HAVING A PAUSE really changes the flow of it in a delicious and absolutely noticeable way.

    Then , step to the other side! TADAH, you have it.

    When you need to travel, simply adjust to take a bigger step. IF a man is dancing differently, CONTINUE! to stay up straight, WEIGHT SHOULD BE BACK in Rori Raye dance position the whole time! DO NOT let a man make you dance offbalance, push you forward etc. Simply step to readjust yourself, or simply undulate your body so that you have the Room needed to stand up in Rori Raye dance position. And continue. It’s not necessary to change your steps or rhythm to what he’s doing.

    THEN from here, you can improvise lots of fun turns with your hips.

    I like standing feet together, knees slightly bent, and twisting my hips slightly right and left in place. as if I had a soup pot with handles as my pelvis. The handles are on the sides of my hips. and someone grabbed them and was twisting my pot back and forth slightly… making the water swish…

    mmm ok like my upper body is straight, in fact lift tummy and ribs up out of hips to get more room in body, then twist hips forwards and backwards, letting it become a momentum thing as much as you can, not straining. KEEP IT SMALL! A one inch twist is fine. this is great to any rhythm. Very noticeable and men love it.

    Whats great about these moves is they are SLOW SUBTLE and like a GODDESS attract ENORMOUS attention. More than I would attract doing fast and difficult moves (though those are perfectly ok and fun).

    Think swaying guitar, romantic swaying guitar music, Guitar body, sway, small step, sensual woman.

  60.  #60gina on February 24, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    Daria you can teach dance. I’m teaching ballroom dance once a week right now and it’s super fun! If you could help weaklings like myself feel comfortable in a club atmosphere, you would totally be helping out some poor souls. I’m just saying…
    I’m great at teaching older men who are only comfortable walking forward.

  61.  #61gina on February 24, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    but daria, if you could please upload a video demonstration of how to do this guitar dance, that would be SOOO helpful. I know that’s a huge request…

  62.  #62Soignée on February 24, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Today is the one day I wake up wanting nothing. Excited to give. This is Perfection

  63.  #63Lucy on February 24, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Daria!!! Thanks so much for your detailed description! I am a-practicin’! What do you do with your arms? 🙂

    I love Daria’s Guitar Dance! <3

  64.  #64Daria on February 24, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    Lucy heheh!

    Well I want to make a lil adjustment to my description.

    When you first step out with the right, the rihght knee should bend so that it makes the hip sway easily that way. Then when you touch with your left the knee is straightening, and At the pause it stops. (not completely straight though).

    Think waltz. 1, 2 3. But the 1 step 2 touch and pause. not quite a walts cuz its really more 1 2 tiny puase 1 2tiny pause. That is the 23 are really just 2 with an added tiny pause.

    Arms! Thank you !

    Belly dance has 3 positions for arms and im used to them thank goodness. HEres the deal. ONe:

    Hands by temples. this doesnt mean close to temples but kinda emple hight, elbows bent, forearms upwards. Arms are not to the side, not in front either like boxing, but kinda front and side.

    IMPORTANT HAND POSITION: MAke an O with thumb and index finger. Now open it up an inch (keeping fingers loosely relaxed). Curl other fingers towards palm loosely. Kinda like, MIDDLE FINGER goes towards center of palm. (Ie index finger higher than middle finger a lil bit. Loose curl!!! THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT SO YOU FEEL THAT FLUID GODDESS FEEL!!

    Second positon possibility: (of course you will be changing these positions, using one arm in one one in other, or both in same, etc)

    HEART HEIGHT. Pretend there is a straight horizontal bar bout 6 inches in front of your chest. Loosely hold on to that bar with your hands out about a foot away from your body (same hand shape – always same hand shape, loose with index finger held slightly higher than middle finger — if need help visualizing, check out an INDIAN TRADITIONAL DANCE HAND POSITION and relax that a lil bit)

    It shoudl help you feel really more steady to hold on to that “bar”


    PELVIS HEIGHT. Here hands can be resting on hips, palms down (i do this for a few seconds). OR They can hold on to an imaginary bar about 8 inches away from pelvis (with hands sideways about 6 inches to the side of hips). OR CURL your elbows out like youre The Little teapot, flex palms as if they were sitting on your hips, but hold them about 6 inches away, this helps frame your hips as you move hips but not hand. Arms in this position should be more BACK than “bar” position, they should be on teh same horizontal line as your body. You will feel your elbows poking out and some tension in yuour upper arms. I Don’t do this one for a long time, just as an accent

    I found that men sometimes take one of my hands in Waltz sytle and hold it up heart high like waltz pose. Them the other i can rest lightly on his other arm.

  65.  #65Daria on February 24, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Yes when I step out with the foot its almost like a hip “DIP” because of my bent knee. I KEEP IT SMALL for soft sway Goddess effect

  66.  #66Daria on February 24, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    My “temple height hands” are about 3 inches diagonanly in front of my temples. I don’t think “bar” here because as soon as I think bar, theres a tightening feeling in the middle of my head line that doesnt feel good hehee. This is not a “stability” hand position like the other 2.

    The other 2, Heart and Pelvis, can feel as if you’re really having a bar to hold on to (don’t tighten up though, your body will just “get” the stability) ! Great for more groundedness.

  67.  #67Daria on February 24, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    I’m getting my Akashic records accessed and then will be working with Cathryn Taylor on blogtalk radio in about 30 min…

    I feel curious and excited and calm too… haven’t done this akashic records or worked with Cathryn before… she does a lot of past life stuff and inner child healing – i liked her inner child articles on her website, made a lot of sense

    listen here: hehehee


  68.  #68darkhorse on February 24, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    daria! you are amazing, i love your posts. PLEASE upload a video, the descriptions are great but i’m a really visual person and i think i would get it easier by seeing you do it. also some suggestions for music!

    thank you so much!
    dark horse

  69.  #69Lori on February 24, 2010 at 5:51 pm


    Where do you live that you meet so many handsome guys?

    I had to smile because my son is named Derek as well, although he’s a little young for you lol!

  70.  #70Daria on February 24, 2010 at 7:37 pm

    Lori – no man is too young for me lol

    I live in the San Francisco Bay Area.

  71.  #71Daria on February 24, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    Thank you darkhorse and the other Goddesses for liking my posts. =)

  72.  #72Lucy on February 24, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    I feel sad, so sad. I feel discouraged. I feel tired. My eyes hurt. I feel like crying and I hope I do cry, but I feel afraid I won’t. I feel almost hopeless about having my happy ever after. So many men want to be with me, but I feel unattracted to them. I feel afraid that I will never feel attracted to a man who is attracted to me. I feel attracted to one man. And I feel afraid that he is not attracted to me enough to want me for himself.

    I feel scared and sad and tired. I hope I can cry.

  73.  #73Lori on February 24, 2010 at 8:19 pm


    He’s still jailbait lol

  74.  #74Lori on February 24, 2010 at 8:22 pm


    HUGS! I’ve had those same feelings. I have been treated like a goddess by so many men but there’s only one I feel physically attracted to and I feel afraid he’s not going to feel the same. Stay on your horse and on your bridge, cuz the feelings come and go all of the time…..

  75.  #75Daria on February 24, 2010 at 10:00 pm

    Lucy and Lori – I felt like that when I first started on the Rori thing, but NOW i do NOT feel like that anymore, I KNOW that i CAN and WILL be attracted to men that are good for me, I can FEEL it now, it’s already started awhile ago, it rox

  76.  #76Tina on February 24, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    I was approached by a drunk guy at karaoke tonight, he said he really liked my singing, I said thank you. He said I have to tell you, you are really beautiful, your eyes are very kind or something like that, I said thank you again, I got up on the stage and started to sing, he came up on the stage and said I LOVE YOU! I said in to the mic, I LOVE ME TOO! I said, SAY YES TO WORLD PEACE! LOL, the night progressed and he got drunker by the minute. He approached me again and fell in to my boob! I used feeling messages to get him out of my “bubble” hehe, he went away, even drunk guys can “get” feeling messages, what I didnt see was that at least three guys watched him while he was “admiring” me and approached him and said to back off! anyway, I had a great time singing as usual tonight. I was wearing my winter boots tonight and thought if buddy doesnt pay attention, I”m gonna have to kick him across the floor, it would have been PERFECT! HEHE. I would have done it so fast he wouldnt have seen it coming at all. I was ready to rock and roll on him hehe. One swift kick to the chest and he would have been toast 🙂 I told him ” I feel really uncomfortable with you standing so close, he said why? I said because your falling into my boob! He said I”m sorry but Im really drunk right now. The guys were on him like flies on SH_ _ ! I wanna start a bar fight! 🙂 j/k

  77.  #77Jeeana on February 25, 2010 at 4:17 am

    Hi Rori,
    a lot of the time, I have wanted to buy one or more of the services you provide, but unfortunately I do not have any of Visa, MasterCard, Discovery or the other option. I only have a Cirrus australian debit card and it would be helpful if you could provide other means of electronic payment like B-pay or Pay-pal or something? something where I can use my debit card for the transaction! PLEASE!! 😀

    thanks Rori

  78.  #78Goodheart on February 25, 2010 at 8:53 am

    I feel old. Seems the only guys who write to me online are almost 60! The guys my age are looking for girls 10 years younger (at least). I feel like Lucy & Lori – that the guys who are attracted to me I just don’t want them to touch me. I have attracted men who I’m attracted to before & I know that it’s my insecurity that drives them away. I see this so very clearly now. That is the first step, right? Now I need to reclaim my goddess self & feel it so that they feel it. Then I will never feel afraid.

    Tina, I LOVE ME TOO – I love that. Perfect. Wish I had that in me to say without skipping a beat.

  79.  #79Terry on February 25, 2010 at 9:23 am


    Hugs to you! That is exactly how I felt last Friday. I started crying and just couldn’t seem to shut off the tears, so I didn’t. I felt everything I was feeling. I, too, feel sad, tired and discouraged.

    I’ve had many men interested in me as well, but I was hung up on this “one” guy. Over the last few days I’ve realized that he was always emotionally unavailable to me, but I was drawn to him because deep down I feel afraid of commitment.

    However, I do want my life to be different and I’m determined to grasp these tools and concepts. I just started learning about them last fall. Heck, I’m in my forties, but I feel there is still hope for me and a happier future.

    I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. I felt your pain in your post.

  80.  #80Siena on February 25, 2010 at 9:33 am

    The exes are coming out of the woodwork! This morning I received a text from an ex begging me to help him with some work stuff. Last week, a different ex emailed me with some work-related stuff (this was first contact after we broke up a month ago).

    I swear ladies, every time an ex initiates contact with me, it’s about something work related.

    I feel a little sick to my stomach. I am a woman, not a worker!

    Has anyone else found this to be the case? I’ve been leaning wayyyy back, using feeling messages (which are pretty funny when they’re in response to a work question), and not initiating contact at all, circular dating… I’m doing really well!

    But I feel turned off by these men, and also like I want to scream!

    Is there a direct way to say “don’t ask or talk to me about work stuff, and no, I won’t work for you” without being masculine?

    I’ve used, “this feels weird, I don’t like this, I feel confused…” Is it “siren-like to be direct?” Maybe just, “I don’t want to talk about work stuff”. That might work I guess… right?

    Frustratingly yours,


  81.  #81Turtle Girl on February 25, 2010 at 10:08 am

    Lucy and goodheart-

    There must be something in the air today because I woke up feeling very sad and disheartened. I am sitting here right now typing this with tears streaming down my face. I can’t stop thinking about ex man and how much he hurt me.

    My girlfriend suggested that I ask my platonic male friend of 20 years to stand in and be my fuck buddy for a bit just so I could get some attention and since sex has been so long. We joked about it.
    Then I talked to my male friend and we joked about it. Late he texted me that he would do that (of course he would-he’s a guy-that’s what they do)
    but that made me feel even worse. I am not mad at him-he is a good friend and in his way trying to help, but the thought of that kind of intimacy without the guy really wanting to be with me long term just feels awful. I feel lonely and sad and scared I will never ever find anyone that is right for me. I don’t want to grow old alone. I don’t want to die alone. I hate all this shit. I hate it. My friend are either happily married or not looking for a man and they pretend it doesn’t matter to them, but I know it does. None of my circular dates were men I would be with. None were attractive to me. I am on guy number 40 or something ridiculous. None are my type. Yes I am learning from them, yes I am “using” them for my therapy but it all is starting to feel so trite and fake and like such bullshit. I am sick of it. I am tired and lonely and sick of dating losers and men I could care less about. I still have ex man in my head. I still miss him. I still take him with me to bed at night and I so hate it. I am still angry that he did what he did. I still want to make him wrong for being a boy, not a man, I still want him to grow up and I still grieve that he could not be a man, was toxic and could not step up. I am still angry at me for giving so much to him and him just basically using me for whatever and then tossing me aside like I was nothing. I feel unappreciated, unloved and uncared for. As if all that I am means nothing. All that I am was for nothing. All that I am is just “chopped liver” or “shit” and to get a man you have to be something you are not. I can’t be my loving self-cause that’s not leaning back. I can’t be caring-that’s “loving too much” I can’t be a giver-no I need to change who I am and be a taker. A bitch. A woman who doesn’t need a man. Pretender. Poser. Fake. My authentic self is not what men want. I can’t stop crying. I just cry and cry and cry.

  82.  #82Goodheart on February 25, 2010 at 10:34 am

    Oh dear Turtle Girl, I felt horrible reading your post. I wanted to reach out & hug you. I ‘ve felt this so many times – so confused inside. Who the hell am I? What am I doing? I was changing myself to fit every situation & every man. I felt awkward. I felt like a chameleon, fitting into my environment. I’ve been realizing, ever so slowly, that the absolute only way I will ever be truly loved is when I am truly myself. The hard part has been rediscovering who I truly am. I have been judged my whole life for being my sassy, feisty self so I warped myself into miss sweetness. FAKE! I can be sweet, yes of course, & love to be, but I now love my sassiness too. I’m not one-sided. I don’t want to be. The men in my past who truly adored me loved the sparky part of me too – every bit of me, even the sad, scared me. The other guys were never worth my time. Ever. For me, it’s been a journey of learning how to express my feelings in a happy way, not to deny the ickier feelings.

    When I start to feel like I have to “pose” in order to have men fall for me, I think of this story an ex-coworker of mine told me. She was far from physically beautiful in the traditional sense. She was extremely quirky. An artist. I adored her sense of humor & sense of self. She was in her mid-thirties. Her husband had left her a couple years prior – for an 18 year old. boy! Yes. Imagine THAT pain. She finally met someone to date at one of her art shows. He was admiring her work (she had very bizarre stuff – a foot coming out of a head that was stuck in a kitchen drawer) but so interesting. He said I HAVE GOT TO MEET THIS ARTIST. She said, well that would be me. They started dating. Months later they were out walking her 3-legged dalmatian (don’t you love this girl?!) & she got upset about something the dog was doing. She started cursing & cussing like a sailor. When she was done, her boyfriend took her hand, smiled & said, “Will you marry me?” They were married that year on Halloween & are so happy it’s scary 🙂 He loves ALL of her.

  83.  #83Turtle Girl on February 25, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Oh Goodheart-

    Thank you so much for your post. Thank you. I so appreciate what you wrote.It made me laugh through my tears-because not only was it a funny poignant story-it so hits home. I am very much sort of boyish and sassy in personality. I “flip people shit” and my friends love that about me. AND I am quite “quirky” and an artist like the woman you described. I don’t do heads sticking out of drawers (lol) but I am not mainstream. And I have had a three legged dog before- (a yellow lab) And I cuss like a sailor to boot. So you pretty much described me. How weird is that? So-I know full well I am not every guys cup o tea and it is gonna take someone a bit “off” to be my guy.

    Which is one reason I am grieving so much over ex man-he is an artist and a musician. Just my type. Weirder than shit. But Fuck. Not gonna happen-he was Mr. EU and Mr. Toxic. And a boy, and a girl. Even so I miss the him that I loved. But your story give me a glimmer of hope that maybe there is someone out there for me. Another artist that isn’t all ruined from life. Isn’t bitter. Isn’t hateful. Isn’t toxic. Isn’t 56 going on 14. We artists have the reputation of suffering more that “normal” people and I really don’t know if that is true. I think we all feel pain. But it is just way harder to fit in or have other’s “get us” because we are not mainstream.

  84.  #84Katie on February 25, 2010 at 11:01 am

    Goodheart (I like that name), Lucy, Turtle Girl, what you’re saying I can really identify with too, I have been feeling the same recently. Sad feelings about my own want for relationship and how it just feels like an improbable dream. I am doing loads and am meeting some good people, lovely people, but nothing romantic in any sense yet. BUT even after 6 months I still miss the company of my ex. Even now I find myself wanting to call him up and I still wonder how the hell he just didn’t feel the connection thing that I felt for him… and on and on. I so want to move on!!! For real !!

  85.  #85Tina on February 25, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Sienna, next time try “I dont feel like it” I feel confident this will work/help.

  86.  #86Katie on February 25, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Yep I’ve got the artist thing too, runs through generations of my family. And I want someone who sees the beauty in my soul, even though I am not always sweetness and light, for shit sake. I saw so much beauty in the last guy’s soul but it was one way vision, so I know he was not the right one for me but it still makes me cry.

  87.  #87Goodheart on February 25, 2010 at 11:36 am

    Katie & Turtle Girl, I am not an artist, but I admire those of you who are. I so adore your quirkiness. It’s the farthest thing from boring & what man wouldn’t want that? I think you both just need to find the right man (so do I) & these other guys are leading the way. We’re learning from them, sometimes painfully. When I start thinking about my ex (can I even call him that if HE never felt like a couple?) I switch my focus to the things I didn’t like about ME in the relationship – how felt I wasn’t myself & then I think about how I learned from him the way I truly want to be in a relationship & how I wanted to be treated (more attention & time). SO now I give myself attention & time. And when I think about him I just say thanks for the lesson, I’m moving forward now. (Believe me, I was very devastated to learn he was not into me the way that I was into him – I felt all dreamy thinking about him. He had introduced me to his entire family & even initiated a talk about babies’ names & all the things we would do in the future. I kept feeling like FINALLY, FINALLY this is him. And then poof, like I hadn’t even existed).

    I also like to think about the men who loved me when I let all my “everything” hang out & it feels so good & gives me hope that I WILL attract another man to me who will love me in this way. And it’s because I’M starting to love me in this way.

  88.  #88Goodheart on February 25, 2010 at 11:39 am

    Reread my earlier post, meant “learn to express my feelings in a HEALTHY way not happy!)

  89.  #89Turtle Girl on February 25, 2010 at 11:45 am


    Well apparently plenty of men don’t want us artist types-I have been told I am weird, too intelligent-so much so that it makes me weird, and so on. Weird is a word that comes up a lot…….*sigh* I can only be who I am. Take me as I am or leave me alone. :o(

    That is exactly what happened to me too. I was introduced to the entire family, all his friends, everyone in his life. He told me that I was only one of three girls ever that went home to Momma. Like somehow that was an honor and his way of telling me how much he cared and yet he flaked out on me. Very confusing and painful. I know how that feels. But according to Rori time spent and family introductions mean nothing to men. I find that just incredible. Who are they then? I mean, what kind of person does such a thing? Why go to all that trouble, time, effort only to say “No thanks-you ain’t my type gal” That is just cruel really. If I ain’t for you, then fucking don’t make me think I am by those kinds of actions-jerk!

  90.  #90tinque on February 25, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Turtlegirl, Goodheart, and all the other “weird” artist types. Weird is so much fun. Weird is fabulous. Weird is fascinating. Weird is glorious. Weird is so interesting.
    And K loves and adores every little weird piece of me.
    It really doesn’t get any better than weird.There ARE men who would be enamored with your wonderful weirdness.

  91.  #91Lucy on February 25, 2010 at 11:57 am

    Turtle Girl wrote: “Just my type. Weirder than shit. …But it is just way harder to fit in or have other’s “get us” because we are not mainstream.”

    Yes, same here. The guy I adore is the same kind of weird that I am, and that makes him rare — is there even another guy that exists that is the right kind of weird for me???

    And he totally gets me, really gets me. I find that a lot of guys LIKE my quirkiness, admire it, feel energized by it, feel happy being around it — but do not GET me! They act like they have a marvelous pet unicorn or something, which is kind of a special feeling at the beginning, but I end up feeling alone in my own little world, because they don’t speak my language or really hear my heart.

  92.  #92Lucy on February 25, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Yes, TG, I have been told by men, “You are too smart for your own good.” 🙁

  93.  #93Daria on February 25, 2010 at 11:59 am

    UGH i feel all shaky…

    i just talked on the phone with this guy who said hes hella blunt and doesnt like to sugar coat shit, but tehn i felt judged and stuff … like when i wasnt answering things his way or what not… and then he would talk for a long time and i listened, and some of the things he said made me feel attracted and some of it i felt judged by, but by the time he was done talking i forgot exactly what. BUt i do know i felt all tightened up and now i feel shaky and angry as hell!

    And he was not insulting me directly or anything…


    wow ifeel triggered

  94.  #94Soignée on February 25, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Dear Turtle Girl,

    I feel the same feeling, I feel icky to have to please someone. Yes, you are right, the men have their picture of women in their head and artistic type is sometimes just something unusual for them, but you can meet some artistic guy who will appreciate you like you are.
    The main problem is that the man when he cares about the woman, he does not care a lot when presenting to the parents. I can tell you about the example happened in front of me. I worked for previously for a company and the owner of it (with his brother) was a young attractive man, with education, rich, handsome, not a bad person. He loves a woman_ from a poor family, not attractive in a common sense (she is not feminine, she has plenty of masculine energy, has bad manners, is not very good girl, sometimes rude). But he was crazy about her. Especially when he -some years before- left him. People told that he drunk embraced the trees, slept outside, because he was suffering so much for this woman. Last year they married, she is the wife, but she is not like the whole high society of his husband. It was an amazing story. He- this guy-loved the woman who was a woman who was not accepted by his family, but he did not care.The guy has strong influence on him by his mother, but neither the mother could do anything to disturb.

    So, this is the true story.

    So dear Turtle Girl, you are completely right when you tell that it is a weird feeling to be introduced to the family of the guy.

    I always felt strange and icky to be judged, to have to please someone, who from outside can decide on my private happiness. I was lucky, because also my mother- and father-in-law they loved me. But it was always the strange feeling for me.

    I always feel icky to have to please..I do work at industry where I have to please, but I naturally love people and they answer me. But if I have to pretend to be liked, I feel resentful, because I want to be real and true and I do not want to force myself to be jugded by other people.

  95.  #95Daria on February 25, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Lol – I have been todl im too smart for my own good many times. I am most certainly “weird” hehe and unusual. I used to think Id never find no one for me, but thats because i was looking FOR ME.

    And now that I found myself well anyone can be for me cuz i can open up to them if i feel good about myself around them… and its a lot easier to feel good about myself around them when i feel good about myself period.

  96.  #96Katie on February 25, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    I love this Lucy! “The right kind of weird for me” – So much so that I just kinda borrowed it to paste on my facebook wall – like this, K – “Is wondering if there’s a guy that exists that is the right kind of weird for me??? =)”. hope you don’t mind the plagiarism.

  97.  #97Turtle Girl on February 25, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Yes, Lucy-and think about that. What does that mean-for your own good? Is it better somehow to be a moron? Average? An intellectual dimwit?

    According to whom? Them. Because they feel less than, threatened or weird being around us because they can’t keep up at our level and we are so unlike them. So WE get labeled the weird ones. We get made fun off. We get put down. I spent my whole life in a family of normals that wondered where in the hell this child came from-I felt like an alien ship dropped me off or maybe I got switched at the hospital….lol….funny, but not really that G-Damn funny. I had to leave home to find people that liked me for myself.

  98.  #98Daria on February 25, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    I did share some “controversial” feeling messages with him like saying…

    I feel like slapping you sometimes when I’m listening

    Rori and others,

    if a man is talking and he says something that upsets me, what do you think… interrupt him and tell him … hey i feel judged by that (not really a direct attack) and i don’t feel good… or continue to listen opening that it may be assuaged soon?

    I tried the second, I listened, but then I found like 2 or 3 times I felt like ugh and then i was feeling more tightened up.

    did i just answer my own question?

    I’m going to experiment with interrupting men. Not cuz i want to say something, but cuz i feel upset…

    even tho i do want to hear what they’re saying

  99.  #99Daria on February 25, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    I felt flattered when men tell me im too smart for my own good. This used to happen when I felt VERY independent and wanted to do everything as well as a man could.. so i took that to secretly mean im able to do so… hehehee

    i did feel concerned at the time that maybe im not attractive to men, too independent powerful and man like

    and well.. in way i was right… i was operating from my masculine

    now i opened up to the feminine and ha im still smart… im more deep smart lol than the masculine critical amazing smart i was before. it’s like adding my half to the first half… expanding…. im loving it…

    this man is about to fall for me lol

    cuz now im going to interrupt him when i feel upset

    thus setting a precedent

    for my not feeling upset

    i already told him i dont want to be criticized, or sponken to bluntly, i like to be spoken to kindly

  100.  #100Lucy on February 25, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Katie — I feel happy that you posted it on facebook!!! teehee

    Turtle Girl — Oh my, what you said triggered my own similar feelings so much that I feel a bit shaky. I too grew up as the “weird one,” black sheep, whatever, in my family. But you know what’s really sad? Over Christmas, at my parents’ house, somehow this came up, and my mom said to me, “I never understood you. But Dad did. Dad always understood you.” I was astonished, and said, “How can that be?” I never felt that ANYONE in my family understood me. Turns out that they would argue about “how to handle me” and Mom would always win out, so dad never got to show me that he understood. (I guess Mom was kind of controlling.) I am 47 years old, and I never knew before that Dad understood me when I was growing up. 🙁 At least I know now.

    And yes, about intelligence. The guy I adore texted me during an episode of “House” not too long ago (where the patient was a genius): He wrote: “This episode made me realize what my problem is- — I am just way too fucking smart.” See, he has the same problem, and I just LOVE that he is smarter than me!

  101.  #101Lucy on February 25, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    I used to feel flattered by it, too, Daria, UNTIL I started interacting with this man who is smarter than me and I realized how GREAT it FEELS to connect with a man who is that smart (and I mean in the “deep” way, not the analytical way — good differentiation 🙂 ). It FEELS GREAT to connect with him because he is so smart and weird!!!!!! I WANT HIM. I don’t want a man who is not smart and weird in the right way!!!

  102.  #102Turtle Girl on February 25, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Yeah Lucy-
    You hit the nail on the head. “Smart and weird int he right way” Right on.

  103.  #103Daria on February 25, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    I used to feel that way about guywhohadababy… i was like yessss… the ONLY man who’s smarter than me other than my father…

    BUT that didn’t work out because I had a lot to grow and learn and I’m happy to report that I no longer am in love with him

    in fact, im not even feeling triggered by the parallels that I see here about him…

    i just feel like… oh yes i remember feeling like that. And pleased that I now feel soo different.

    It’s like I moved to planet Goddess. And I’m still here – I am on Goddess dimension.

    I just know I will find a man that I feel that way about… it’s natural… and even men I don’t well… they can grow… mm I feel open to al men and I like to see HOW my opening brings me fresh messages

  104.  #104Goodheart on February 25, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Oh my gosh – smart & weird, yes. I want that. I feel that is who I am & that is what I’m looking for in a man. Maybe I should change my profile & put that in it:

    Wanted: One man who is nearly as smart & weird as I am. Nuff Said.

  105.  #105Daria on February 25, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    I’m interested in being around men that treat me well and I feel good about myself around.

    I am retraining myself to get used to – and therefore attracted to – a man that treats me this way,

    rather than sending my energy out for a smart man that clicks with me.

    THEN eventually I know a smart man that clicks with me will be one of these men that makes me feel good

    (rather than just a smart man that clicks with me doing his own thing out there somewhere)

  106.  #106Lucy on February 25, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Daria, I feel happy for you. My problem with being open to all men is that doing that made a bunch of men fall in love with me, and I HATE having to hurt these darling men. There is one — Pool Man — I don’t know how I am going to break it to him that I don’t feel even CLOSE to the same way he feels about me. They all want to marry me, they adore me, they say they feel chemistry with me, etc. and I feel like I have somehow led them on by being open and vulnerable with them. I know it is not my fault, but I am the one having to deal with the consequences and it is VERY uncomfortable and makes me feel very sad. These men think they have found the One — I put myself in their shoes: I know how great it feels to think you are with the One, and how devastating it is when you find out they don’t feel the same way. They go from being so happy to being heartbroken. I HATE doing this to men.

  107.  #107Lucy on February 25, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Daria wrote: “I’m interested in being around men that treat me well and I feel good about myself around.” Yes! That is how I feel with the one I adore. That’s why I adore him — I feel so good about myself when I am interacting with him. He loves me just the way I am. AND he is smart and weird in the right way. So how can I want anyone who falls short of all that???

  108.  #108Daria on February 25, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Lucy — hehe that was another thing i had a trigger with.. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. Im not 100% about this one, but I think i healed it for msyelf too.

    THEY ARE MEN! Hurting their feelings is not BAD for them like for us. Men grow by challenge, women grow by praise.

    I feel CONVINCED that I am doing men a favor, they will learn and develop their masculine.

  109.  #109Lucy on February 25, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    I hear ya, Daria. But it feels worse in my age bracket — I am 47, and some of these men are in their 50’s. When they meet someone like me who is open and youthful and loving herself, and not clingy and desperate like most of the women they meet, it is like a dream come true for them. They don’t have as many options or as much time as a guy in his twenties or thirties.

  110.  #110Daria on February 25, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    This was another way I have grown, I am much more able to be direct and say NO to when I don’t want to do something, including being closer to someone then they want to be with me. woo hoo… it is now easier to be more direct rather than worry about their feelings and hide mine

    I don’t want to hide my feelings no no no


    I feel very smily.

    and i just made a HUGE step forward right now.

    I realized when a man is talking and he says something that fels icky…

    i will now INTERRUPT and say wow that feels icky…

    rather than let him go on.


    THis is gonna heal my interactions with my ex.

    This was like a mini feeling of what i had with my ex.

    Thank yoy angels for the practice and the message!

  111.  #111Daria on February 25, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    Lucy – sounds like something i don’t believe in.

    I could say no its harder in MY age bracket, because these men are younger and more easily hurt, they are still just young boys! (a part of me thinks this, and I have gotten caught in the “hes just a young boy” trap)

    I don’t believe that either though. It doesn’t matter.

    I choose to believe that men are men. And they are strong powerful and in charge of being men.

    And I am woman, all my feelings are wonderful and sharing them All helps my man the world and me enormously.

  112.  #112Daria on February 25, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Wow ! It feels great to read what I wrote. I do believe I’ll be getting stuck in the “hes just a young boy” trap less often.

  113.  #113Lucy on February 25, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    Good point, Daria — it wasn’t any easier breaking hearts when I was in my teens and twenties. 🙂 I forgot about that! There’s a good example of the “stories” we tell ourselves that are not necessarily true!

  114.  #114Lucy on February 25, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    Do you have any suggestions for words to use when a man tells me he wants to marry me, feels so close to me, that we are so right for each other, etc.? I feel like just ignoring him — never seeing him again and not responding to his emails. But that doesn’t feel good to me either. Nothing feels good in these situations.

  115.  #115Turtle Girl on February 25, 2010 at 2:43 pm


    During one period of time in my life-I was about 42 I think-very young looking and hot and totally into myself and my life and could have cared less what men did-no needy or clingy at all—-anyway during this time I had five marriage proposals-I turned them all down! There is no good way to do it but the truth.

    I simply said to all of them: “I like you, I like hanging out with you, you are fun and a nice man. But I do not want to marry you”. That was it. Then they would ask me if I EVER would marry them. And then I had to say well, No. That was harder. But it was kinder than hem hawing around and feeding them a bunch of bullshit-like my ex tried to do to me! Let me down easy-whatever the fuck that it!

    No- kind soft brutal honesty is always best in my book. Then they know where they stand and can move on or not. Up to them.
    Looking back on those days, they were either weird but not smart or smart but not weird-not my kind of weird and smart.

  116.  #116Turtle Girl on February 25, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Lucy I am over fifty and breaking hearts at any age totally sucks. I have broken many and I hated it. It felt awful. Wouldn’t it be nice if we only fell in love with those who fell in love with us? Ahhhh-unrequited love-so tragic!

    Being on the receiving end sucks worse though-that kind of pain is some of the worst I have ever experienced in my life short of my parents dying.

  117.  #117Goodheart on February 25, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    When I had to tell a guy I was seeing that I just wanted to be friends, I was fairly blunt. I told him that I did not have romantic feelings for him. That I thought he was a terrific guy, but friends would be it for us & I understood if he didn’t want that. I did it over email because I thought it would be easier for him. That way he could take his time to respond & not be on the spot. A year later we are still friends though I know he wants more. But he knows where I stand so I don’t feel that I am leading him on. I don’t flirt with him & am not affectionate with him. I act strictly as a friend. In the past I was very ambigous – could not just up & tell a man that I didn’t have feelings for him. This was actually much crueler than being honest.

  118.  #118Turtle Girl on February 25, 2010 at 3:12 pm


    I do know what you mean. Ambiguity!
    We girls are raised to “be nice and make nice” and oft times at the expense of the truth-which is why we have so much freaking trouble with all our feelings. We think of how the other guy will feel and honesty just gets lost in the shuffle of all those emotions that are stuffed. It so sucks and I am so ready to dump all of it that does not work any more. The truth may hurt, but you can live with it. And it only stings for a little while-unless it is us in that imaginary relationship in denial about the truth and then THAT hurts for a long time-cause we are so blinded by our own shit. Ugh.

  119.  #119Daria on February 25, 2010 at 3:16 pm


    its actually not a big deal to me now… something i rejoice in… i remember my cousin making little boys cry when we were 12, and my deciding that I woudl NEVER do that…

    then everyboy wanted to be with her and not so much with me… hm…

    well when i was 5 I chased after a boy and he liked someone else and that was a big issue for me until i healed it now…

    so i had already got set into masculine energy and nurturing men’s feelings and not looking at myself as an attractive pretty girl, but rather an equal boy girl

    now i feel i really got it… it took a lot of focusing on myself though…

    it’s simply that I accept that women feelings are different than man feelings…

    that is men grow their masculine side through challenge…

    so “getting their feelings hurt” the way i did, and building a masculine tough side, is actually GOOD for a man…

    he will now be more masculine and better able to “handle” the next woman

  120.  #120Goodheart on February 25, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    I have a dinner date tonight 🙂 We met last week for coffee. He emailed me the next day, seemed unsure about me. I was a bit peeved, thinking he should know if he wanted to see me or not. I emailed back & said I thought he was unsure because he thought I was unsure 🙂 Anyway, he called me on Saturday & we made a date for tonight. Then he called me Tuesday to confirm (considerate). Then he called me this afternoon just to let me know he was looking forward to it. He even had me pick a place close to where I work so I wouldn’t have to drive. Told him I would meet him at 6 & he said he would get there at 5:45.


    Wish me luck. I hope I am feeling my goddess-ness & am authentic.

  121.  #121Robin on February 25, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    Good Luck Goodheart!!! You’ll do fabulous!!!

    I’ve been really thinking hard about treating all guys like they are my friend, and I worked on trying to shift this in myself around former fave guy, for the past few days I’ve felt incredibly peaceful and strong.

    Like, hmm, I just dont take a guy seriously when he’s only contacting me once every week or week and a half. It just feels icky.

    And then I read an article about the messages behind hugs and as I read it, I remembered the differnt embraces I’ve shared with him, and I remembered that that’s not happening anymore, and I feel sad..

    I want to ask myself where it went wrong, if I can pinpoint the moment where everything shifted. Im starting to think he’s forgotten about me.

    And then I remembered when we first started dating that he went out of town, and him saying that EXACT thing to me after I responded to a text.

    Maybe that was it…was I a cactus? Did I not waterwheel back quick enough?

    We lose interest (I hope!) when a guy isnt stepping up.

    Could it be the same for a guy if we’re not waterwheeling back fast enough or often enough?

    I’ve felt open with him, and I miss so badly those ays when he wanted to see me 2 or 3 times a week.

    And as I feel like crying here, Im wanting to deliver that speech…

    Whereas a day ago, when I was just putting him in the friends category til he can prove himself otherwise, I really felt like dropping it, and writing him off was the way to go, and to just let him figure out how to get back into my schedule.

    I’ve been wanting to be affectionate towards him so that he knows I am interested in him, but…I just dont feel like doing that.

    I really feel like it would be appropriate to deliver my speech, but the timings not right yet…doesnt FEEl right yet..

    I feel sad 🙁

  122.  #122Robin on February 25, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    From the e-letter: “Can we talk for a minute? I’ve noticed that sometimes I’m feeling really uncomfortable. I’m not sure if I’m misinterpreting our relationship. I’m starting to feel hormonally all attached to you, and I can’t help wondering what it is that’s going on for you. I only know that – “I’m not
    looking for a boyfriend, here, and I don’t want to
    be in a “friendship” with sex. Sex is important to
    me, and I don’t want to get all hormonally
    involved with a “friend.” I feel really good with
    you, and I don’t want to put pressure on this to
    become some kind of serious, or even exclusive
    relationship, so I’m not sure what to do. What do
    you think?”

    Can we use this on a guy we’re dating that’s pulling away that we HAVENT slept with (maybe certain parts?)

    How would this feel to say this to former fave guy??

  123.  #123Lucy on February 25, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Yah, Robin, my guy friends are saying a guy will lose interest if the girl isn’t real responsive. Lol, my guy friends also say that it’s a real turn-on for them to get asked out by a girl — but only if it’s a girl they want to go out with.

    They really want to see some genuine interest coming from the girl. They want to be wanted.

    It all feels so confusing. A guy friend complained about a couple girls he liked that were staying in contact with him but he couldn’t quite gauge their level of interest. So I told him maybe they are waiting for him to be more assertive, etc. He emailed back: “Fact is I’m interested in one now, that has made some effort, so the others can just wait all they want, & if they’re lucky they may get a shot. ;-)”

    I emailed back and said that’s great and asked if he felt a “spark’ with her. He said: “I did but I wasn’t sure about her [feeling the same way], so I was kinda reserved. I hugged her when I walked her to her car & she turned to leave, then turned back & kissed me, turned to leave, then turned and kissed me a couple more times. She lives in A__, a former model, 34 years old, I don’t think I’ll mind taking the trip to see if things progress.”

    !!!! This girl totally leaned forward and he LIKED IT. And he will travel to see her. :/ !!!!

    I can picture the scene he described, and it seems really cute. ?????

  124.  #124Daria on February 25, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    My guy friends set it up so the girls lean forward, but they’re more interested in the ones who don’t. They don’t seem to always realize this.

    But I did see them get very turned off when girls were excessively leaning forward.

    They sometimes start relationships sometimes with girls who are leaning forward and driving to them and taking care of them, but they are not faithful to those girls and are more interested in meeting more girls. They have closer relationships with me than with the girls they are with like this.

    Some of my guy friends are boy men. They don’t have cars or money to take care of a woman. When they DO invariably they have liked to do that.

    Robin –

    when a man is not leaning forward… hes not leaning forward.

    This is not about YOU. This is about HIM.

    trying to “show him more interest” is CHASING him

    men who want a woman don’t NEED a woman to show him interest really. They WANT that woman. They are too busy showing interest in her and Trying to get her attention.

    Whats showing interest is being warm to him when HE SHOWS UP. or if you don’t know him, Making eye contact.

    You CAN lean forward… but then you’;ll have started an off balance relationship. When you stop leaning forward, you’ll be one step back from square one.

  125.  #125Daria on February 25, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Ugh my ex just called and is like… i heard you came out into town i said yeah… he said you didnt call me… i said yeah… he said why didnt you call me? i said you didnt call me.

    he said when you come out call me come see me or something. i said i dont call guys. he said so ima guy now. i said yeah youre a guy. he said i thought i was your friend from way back. i said youre my lover from way back.

    he said why are you acting this brand new way. i said i am brand new. he said whats brand new about you. i said i dont know, just how i feel. he said well i dont see it.

    he said call me next time youre in town. i said i dont want to do that. he said well fuck it then. i said alright bye. he said bye and hung up.


    I feel a lil less shaken he “feels” unspecial cuz im not paying him special attention. hes acting like a boy man and im not going to tolerate feeling pulled or bad.

    I feel disappointed.


    I didnt get any feeling messages in that conversatino did i. Well just at the beginning. he asked how am i, i said im feeling good. i was feeling unsure and a lil excited to hear from him.

    I feel disappointed.


    i feel like we’re tug of warring.

    any suggestions on how to shift this

  126.  #126Daria on February 25, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    oh yeah at the end he said make an exception for me. i said i dont want to… i shouldnt have to make an exception…

    grrr… step it up ex boy…

    i will rename him something so he hsa better potential…


    ther we go

    Attention universe: this man is no longer called ex cuz that keeps him firmly exed

    he will now be called Transformer

  127.  #127Lucy on February 25, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Good point, Daria, about guys not realizing what they really want. Girls leaning forward may turn them on and make them feel wanted and so they say “Guys LOVE that!” But then do they STAY with that girl? Obviously not, since the guy friends that told me that are currently single and unattached. 🙂 Haha, so you really loved it when that girl asked you out, huh? Then why’d ya dump her after a few weeks, huh huh? 🙂

  128.  #128Lucy on February 25, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    Daria, I like Transformer’s new name. 🙂 And I feel good about the way you handled that situation/phone call. I feel like he got the right message.

  129.  #129Rachel on February 25, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    Help!!!! Ok… I’ve been leaning back because I want my man to initiate contact. So now I get this email.

    “are you ok? I’m just wondering why you haven’t written in a few days… every time i look and there is no message from you but you’ve taken the time to update your facebook, i think that something must be wrong–or maybe you’ve decided to stop communicating. sad.”

    What do I say now? Do I just write and not respond to the question? Do I try a feeling message? (they always seem to come out making him sound wrong) Do I say, “Hey buster, you do this to me ALL THE TIME!?”

    I know the last one is wrong! But geez… I can’t believe he can’t see the double standard. I haven’t heard from him in days either!

    Ok… I hope someone is out there who can give me a little guidance. thanks!

  130.  #130Siena on February 25, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    Hi Rachel,

    How exciting!

    Write back to him what you feel, even if some of it’s ugly. What I’ve learned from Rori is that this is not at all about telling him something that will get a specific response from him. There’s no strategy, no games. Instead, it’s about building intimacy with him, and the way to do that is to show him your heart.

    So, only you know what you’re feeling and what to tell him.

    If this were my guy who wrote me that email, I would respond with something like, “hi M, it feels so great to hear from you! In fact, when I saw your name in my inbox, I felt my heart leap to my throat with excitement. I’m doing really good, just relaxing here at home. How is everything with you?”

  131.  #131Siena on February 25, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    (sorry, dumb phone cut me off)…

    To finish… just communicate what your heart feels. He won’t even notice that you didn’t directly answer his questions.

    I feel so excited for you! Leaning back worked!!


  132.  #132gina on February 25, 2010 at 9:19 pm

    I’m feeling super disappointed that I haven’t heard from R (I can’t bring myself to call him Sparky) I feel confused. We had a nice time when he stopped by. He texted me the next day, and I let the conversation die, and I haven’t heard from him since. I feel so attracted to him, so I feel even more resistant to leaning forward. So much so that when we said bye, I was leaning back like “whoa – you’ll have to come and get it.” Cause I’m SOOO attracted to him. I feel a little like I ran away, and now I want to chase after him. I hate this pattern!!! Do I really DO nothing now??? help!!!

  133.  #133kismet on February 25, 2010 at 9:52 pm

    My boyfriend of two weeks is amazing in the way he adores me! I can open up to him and just be myself. He told me he loves how I’m real, and I’m amazing, beautiful inside and out. That he probably won’t date another girl after me (hinting that I’m the one for him). I just don’t get it how a girl can be so magnetic, how I can be so magnetic. I mean I can feel myself all feminine and just exactly what guys like and need, but to comprehend it from their point of view…

    Yesterday or the other day we were looking at the sunset from his window and talked. He wanted to know more about me and my past. I told him its alot of stuff but he wanted to hear.

    I told him my story, stuff I rarely tell anyone. After I was done, I asked if his view on me changed. He said, “of course not baby, I’m still hugging and holding you.” I just realized he was caressing my back the whole time. We were both feeling a bit sad about our past. I jokingly suggested we cry together.

    After my story, he shared something that made me care so much for him. “I don’t even remember how many places i’ve been to.” He grew up in foster homes. I could sense the tiredness of going place to place, never finding ground and having people leave. I could feel the pain of it and sadness in his voice.

    I told him how its courageous that after all he’s been through, he still is able to love and be loved and seek and give love. Then he said he pushes people away when they get too close and he doesn’t even know he’s doing it sometimes. I told him I also do that. How I get so scared when a guy likes me too much too soon.

    What surprised me was that he wanted to know how to deal with me when my emotions kick in and I push him away. I wanted to handle me through it. Funny thing is, I had been thinking of exactly this moment that I would tell him how to deal with me…and it happened. Its unbelievable when your thoughts actually become real, its happened a few times before. I’d think of something I fantasize him saying, and a day or so later he’d say it to me. Anyways I said, “Just hold me, you don’t need to say anything. If I’m emotional, just hold and hug me through it, you can try to talk about it with me. But really, you don’t have to do anything.” I was really touched that he wanted to deal with it. I honestly feel he feels I’m a keeper. He’s definitely a keeper because he’s so loving. However I haven’t dated around enough.

    But god, a man that actually wants to handle a woman. =)

  134.  #134Sasha J on February 26, 2010 at 2:43 am

    hola CHOOKS
    of the northern hemisphere 🙂

    i am writing to report that even though i am at the opposite end of the world, things do not work in the opposite way….leaning forward and even in thoughts, feels bad :/

    oh kismet i feel warm and happy reading that…i’m sure he’s honoured to have you and your feelings, and he’s not looking as your emotions as something to ‘deal’ with! he opens up because he feels safe with you 🙂

    dear gina, i have very recently started circular dating with actual humans (agreeing to meet), and i had an awesome date from last week and i felt so abruptly cut off when he said he would call but obviously hasn’t.

    reently i have tried a few times and knew that i was leaning back, and they don’t pick up the slack…and there, my beautiful chook, lies the answer….it simply means he’s not picking up the slack. period. could be anything. we have to feel comfortable with not knowing, and possibly never knowing.

    baby step by baby step. i have been feeling so anxious the last few days.

    however i went on a coffee date with someone else. it felt good to be able to speak my truth. we even had a discussion about the guy and girl paying for themselves.

    and BAM!

    by ‘boy’ reminded my ‘girl’ self about what rori’s been teaching all along about feeling messages about not paying. and it all went a treat!

    him : “it doesn’t work here in Australia, people pay for themselves”

    me: ” where i come from we assume the guy knows how to handle his money, and not spend what he doesn’t want to. and I don’t feel good doing this *gestures handing money over to imaginary sales person*”

    *feeling calm and accepting and smiling*

    him ” the last time i paid for a girl she felt obliged to *******”

    me ” oh..i feel shocked”…then

    *breathe, feel calm, centred, smile*

    me “i never feel obliged”



    interestingly, i do not feel attracted to him, which must be why i felt so comfortable being me. i just felt mildly curious.

    i digress. back to the other guy i actually liked:

    i am letting myself feel the confusion and anxiety and feeling rejected,
    and that voice in my head is coming up with 10 million reasons why not,
    and i can’t believe this, i feel quite jibbed (conned), and i feel myself trying to replay every moment, to see where i went wrong, to see how i could have done diffrently..the thing is…i know i walked away from the date feeling nervous, and yet feeling proud of myself for practicing tools…and believe it or not, a part of me feels indignant that i am possibly being rejected…WhAt?! ..and a part of me is willing him to call!!! how interesting!!

    i feel kinda amused, i have even googled ‘why has he not called me back after the first date”.

    feel the urge to understand, to know, feel primal urge to tie things neatly in a bow.

    i am however not going to act on itfurther, 2 steps forwards one step back…. when i see the wave breaking..am i going to stand and resist it and get pummeled? it is coming either way

    and when it washes over me am i going to complain that it did?! i mean, i was just trying to stand there/get a firm footing/ paddle in…how dare the wave break on me!!!!!!!!!

    or am i going to breathe, wipe my eyes, feel the water, feel the yuck of being pummeled, and look at the next wave?

    zoom my vision and look at the pattern of waves??

    when the wave comes how do i catch it? how do i go under it so i do not get pushed backwards?

    i learn the rhythm.

    i learn the feel.

    i get dunked sometimes.

    i drink some water.

    the waves don’t stop. if there is a lull i go further out if i want..or i stay there and feel the water….and watch and feel the next wave…i know better now…i know how i am going to handle the next set of waves….i lean back breathe in the air. feel alive. feel jubilant. or maybe feel weary. tomorrow or the next time, it will be different.

    different wind. different kinds of waves maybe. different landscape. but i have a few more tools to help me go with the water, with the waves, and not feel too helpless. .

    and have been reading through the archives, talking to my girlfriends, reading my back up dating material and practicing tools…..hugging me, remembering to pay attention to things around me.
    feel things. touch things. feel a little tense and tired.

    i feel calm and less scared.

    no matter how well we know the waves and the ocean, no matter how strong i feel,

    there will always be rips.
    maybe a shark : /
    there will be rocks.
    there will be wipeouts.

    i just know that i keep learning, and i have a bag of tools that keep growing, to help me go with what is going on around me.

    when i know that i feel tired.
    feel unsafe,
    things don’t feel good,
    i will cruise back into shore.
    and have a nap.


  135.  #135Daria on February 26, 2010 at 2:49 am

    Sasha J. you rock. The secret is literally in between the lines:

    *feeling calm and accepting and smiling*

    *breathe, feel calm, centred, smile*

  136.  #136Daria on February 26, 2010 at 2:51 am

    Sasha J – did i mention you rock? I love the wave .

  137.  #137Daria on February 26, 2010 at 3:01 am

    I just got back from the bar. Another day of no drinking and smoking. I did the tools and relaxed much faster. I have a new magic tool that I use to make what I want come true. I will share it later.

    So this time no dancing really, wasnt too much dancing going on, but indeed, i put myself at the center of the target. And men started paying attention. Subtly. I just sat and played with my hair and felt myself in my body. I said hi to oldschoo lguy friends i randomly saw. One of them chatted me up forever, he might help me make videos for my site which i would love.

    When I left a bunch of people said hi and bye to me and wanted hugs, this guy i was walking with said wow youre a celebrity. I smiled and said yeah.

    I actually feel like im a celebrity now. Reemmember a couple weeks ago when someone asked for my autograph? its the way i carry myself.

    didnt meet any new men, but one did ask me how i was doing at the end, i couldve talked to him but i didnt.

    Didnt see anyone that i wanted to do my EXPERIMENT of walking up and doing a convo… oh wait… my guy friends can count, I tapped them first, all 3. 2 at first said hi quickly and left, i felt a lil bad but i felt calm, observing, then later they both checked on me. the third one just started talking and talked to me for so long i didnt see the main part of the show really. hehe.

    ohhhh. i noticed something yesterday at the gym. this girl with the same name as me but different spelling was chatting with me, i felt ANXIOUS and i NOTICED it. its that anxiousness when i feel uncomfortable with new people sometimes

    i feel secure its not getting healed since i noticed the anxiousness instead of being blindly caught in it

    also in the club like i said i started feeling relaxed Faster than last time. yay. mind u, this is me at the club BY MYSELF.

    this guy who was kinda cute had a girl with me, i could tell he liked me, he wasnt actually giving me the eye, but he was like unmeaning to looking at me. i could feel his energy looking at me.

    i felt chill.

    i spent the beginning of the day talking to guys on the phone, the triggering one that i practiced speaking up with, then another one who overwhelmed me with marketing info, including some helpful stuff, but i felt sad and overwhelmed cuz marketing is such a trigger to me and i want someone to DO IT FOR ME not info help. maybe he will, he was a marketing major and he had one awesome tip of to approach professors at a marketing class and present it as a project his studnets could do for me…

    i also had another guy call me and im actually gonna help him with math tomorrow. i feel glad, i told him pay me how much he wants to, he felt uncomfortable, i knwo my price is high. im willing to help people for free, but they have never followed thru out of like 50 people that ask for it but dont show up. this guy was serious so i feel good. plus he can work on my car and help me practice my spanish, and he also is going to pay me something because he seemed to feel uncomfortable with me telling him to pay what he wants, like u know man pride and stuff hehe

  138.  #138Linda on February 26, 2010 at 3:37 am


    You do NOTHING toward him. Dont invest thought in him either. (HARD thing to do)

    Do something toward you!… Do things that make you happy. Isnt your heart worth your investment?

    hugs… Linda XOXO

  139.  #139Linda on February 26, 2010 at 4:57 am

    I am in a place of reflection. Stepping back and feeling and trying to understand myself.

    I had a long talk with my youngest daughter yesterday (she is 20). She knows about the things that have happened with S. She met him and actually thought that he was a really nice guy, lots of guys seem nice at first (to quote her).

    I am feeling weak and unable to follow thru with a decision I have made. I am really unable to find level ground and dismayed with myself. I do not have it all together and I wish I did. I dont feel strong or directive. My protective boy energy seems to have disapeared. All I feel is sad and upset with me.

    I went to get my car from S and did not follow thru. Why? Why could I not stand on the principle of it all and do it. My heart felt soft toward him and that upsets me. I feel used and dishonored. After all the things he did and said, good and bad, I still want and hope. This is very dismaying for me. I felt very resolute and done. Then when it came time to do what I said I caved.

    We ended up going to a week end long church revival together. It was good to be in that environment. There was reconciliation between us…It felt signficant but I am unsure. S words do not carry any weight with me now. I need peace and I dont have it…. The lines are all blury.

    I delivered a speech. I told him what I was feeling, what I needed, what I expected and what I was not willing to endure or allow. I drew lots of lines and boundries. Now I feel further concern for me. Something big is gonna burst here. I guess I am in process of being transformed, birthed… it feels uncomfortable but I feel hopeful. Maybe I am in the transitional phase of all this. I hope so.



  140.  #140siia on February 26, 2010 at 5:04 am

    Hi Rori,
    I can’t find new post for questions – where is it??
    I saw somebody posting under ‘new questions and stories from you’ – which is an old post, but they probably thought it is a new post.
    Would it be possible to show a list of ‘live’ posts on the side, and maybe disable posting somewhere where it has been dead for over a month – instead say: please post under new article, or under new post for questons?
    Also, could you rename closed posts for questions – so that they don’t say ‘new’ – and maybe really close them?
    Thank you……………….

  141.  #141Ellie on February 26, 2010 at 6:16 am

    Linda, Wow! I could have written what you you just said. I have the same feelings from a 3 long, long-distance relationship with a high school sweetheart. I know he is bad news, but I still have hope and the saddness just comes and goes. I wish it would go away. I’ve tried everything to move on and just haven’t made it yet. I know time heals, but it’s so hard to wait. I ask myself, why do we let men do this to us, or are we doing it to ourselves. Good luck in your healing. I wish you the best.

  142.  #142Goodheart on February 26, 2010 at 7:20 am

    I am feeling so mixed up and exposed and wrung out. I had the most astonishing therapeutic date last night. He said such harsh things that I feel raw inside. I cried all the way home & well into the night. I know this date put me on the brink. It’s like the universe is speaking directly to me, yet I feel so HOPELESS & sad. I have never had anyone talk to me like he did. This was our 2nd meeting & over Italian food he acted like my therapist. I actually felt like lying down in the booth. He said I was GUARDED & SERIOUS. He said maybe if I relaxed & was more carefree & easy-going I would attract the right man into my life. It was like being slapped upside the head with a psych 101 book. It hurt so much because it really hit home. Even though I FELT iwas being carefree & easy-going, I clearly was not. And the thing is, I didn’t even like this guy, really. He works nights, which I don’t want. He repeats himself a lot – the same sentence over & over. We couldn’t seem to find anything to talk about. He kept bringing up religion, which I wanted to steer clear of. I finally ended up asking how online dating was going. He said not so good, how about for you. Then I launched into what I was looking for, soul mates, getting each other, etc. It was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. I couldn’t stop myself. It all seems like a blur. He said I THINK TOO MUCH. I have heard this so much & it hurts like a toothache.

    I don’t know how to change – how to get out of my head because I don’t even know I’m doing it when it’s happening. He said, “You have all these things you want. Maybe you should just stop.” How could someone I’ve just met analyze me like that?

    I feel so hopeless & clueless. Here I am putting my two-cents into other women’s post on here & I know NOTHING. I am repelling men better than pepper spray. I know there is so much to be learned, but all I can do is cry. I feel so UNLOVEABLE. I can almost look at myself as if from afar & I look unattractive, unfamiliar, lost, hopeless. I feel I will never get this right & will always be alone. It’s like you see yourself in a certain way & everyone else seems something different. It’s earth-shattering. It’s heartbreaking.

    I feel scared.

    I don’t know how to open my heart.

    How do I open my heart?

  143.  #143dorothea on February 26, 2010 at 8:00 am

    Goodheart, hugs to you<3 I think it's great that you're trying to ask yourself "why am i here?" and "what is the message?"

    so in these situations (and i bet we ALL experience variations of what you experienced – i know i have!) we make the best out of what it is and ask ourselves for the kernel of wisdom and ah-ha that could be hiding in the current experience with the man.

    And beyond that, some men are just that way. its natural to feel bad about yourself when someone says things like that without really even knowing you. this happens sometimes, especially if you date enough. But some men are just this way. And chances are, they have their own issues to cause them to take it upon themselves to be like "can i just say something? you would be better to XYZ."

    The last guy that did this to me had his own litany of issues indeed. And I felt nonetheless terrible when he said that to me. So i garnered the message about why i was there, and turned my rejection and sadness into "wait a min!

  144.  #144dorothea on February 26, 2010 at 8:04 am

    Goodheart, hugs to you<3 I think it's great that you're trying to ask yourself "why am i here?" and "what is the message?"

    so in these situations (and i bet we ALL experience variations of what you experienced – i know i have!) we make the best out of what it is and ask ourselves for the kernel of wisdom and ah-ha that could be hiding in the current experience with the man.

    And beyond that, some men are just that way. its natural to feel bad about yourself when someone says things like that without really even knowing you. this happens sometimes, especially if you date enough. But some men are just this way. And chances are, they have their own issues to cause them to take it upon themselves to be like "can i just say something? you would be better to XYZ."

    The last guy that did this to me had his own litany of issues indeed. And I felt nonetheless terrible when he said that to me. So i garnered the message about why i was there, but then turned my rejection and sadness into "wait a min! what a JERK!" I didn't feel good around him. Simply recognizing what doesn't feel good and what we don't want can give us the confidence and security to open up, because we have learned where some of our boundaries really are..

    Just cuz some man says it, doesn't make it your truth. You're wise and open-hearted enough toward yourself to question what the message is. Baby steps!

  145.  #145Erika Awakening on February 26, 2010 at 8:06 am

    Hi Rori,

    As usual, I have a little bit different take on this.

    “Make him work for you” feels too heavy to me, when my whole life nowadays is about trending toward effortless accomplishment.

    My re-frame on this is simple: make sure the investment is mutual. Walk hand in hand with him instead of plowing ahead and expecting him to catch up.

    Be open. Yeah, but way easier said than done when dealing with old traumas and fears that are still stuck in the mind/body and at the cellular level of our tissues. I help people release all that garbage so that they can feel authentically open without even trying 🙂

    Layers of fear peeling off the onion … leaving room for love 🙂


  146.  #146Rachel on February 26, 2010 at 8:22 am


    I feel intrigued by this. I was just thinking this morning, “This feels like such hard work.” I remember times when it just flowed effortlessly, but lately, I feel an almost constant heaviness in my chest even when things are going “well.”

    I leaned back and my guy stepped forward this morning, but I still feel yucky. I don’t feel like we’re walking hand in hand. I’ve stopped plowing ahead (that feels good), but I don’t feel connected or that he really deeply wants me.

    I am going to ponder the whole “effortless” thing. I believe that is how the universe works, but I don’t seem to be able to apply it to my love life. Hmmm….

    Thank you for stirring my thoughts

  147.  #147tinque on February 26, 2010 at 8:27 am

    Goodheart – “I feel scared. I don’t know how to open my heart. How do I open my heart?”
    It IS scary taking the first steps to opening your heart, maybe one of the most frightening things you will ever do.
    You may feel enormously vulnerable. You may feel embarrassed. You may feel that when and if you allow it, your heart will be trampled on. You fear being hurt, and maybe this time around you won’t be able to recover. You will feel all kinds of emotions, some of them seemingly contradictory.
    I still get ripples of this every now and then.
    It’s a process. You open yourself a little bit by little bit, by sticking your baby toe in the water and seeing how that feels, by trying to put your whole foot in the next time, and each time you immerse yourself a little bit more.
    Even when you are with a good man, someone with whom you ought to feel safe, it still takes time.
    From what I’ve read here, you are doing amazingly.
    You will have spells of fear, sometimes gripping fear. It’s all okay. Each time this happens, you will feel a little stronger, for you will remember the last time it happened, and it passed.
    The waters get murky, and then they clear.

  148.  #148Rori Raye on February 26, 2010 at 10:38 am

    Welcome, Aggy, and this is so great to hear from a man. Love, Rori

  149.  #149Rori Raye on February 26, 2010 at 10:42 am

    Welcome, Camile, and yes – you are so right…Love, Rori

  150.  #150Rori Raye on February 26, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Cathy, Welcome – and the answer is always Circular Dating. Do it, learn from it, have fun with it…and forget about him. If he shows up, you can date him, too – but NEVER exclusively. Love, Rori

  151.  #151Daria on February 26, 2010 at 11:38 am

    Linda –

    I feel foot stomping in a circle fury!!!!!




    I would feel wayyy happy to see you try again (babystep) and get it back.

    HE can always pursue and reconcile with you without your carrr
    ooohhh i feel HORRIBLE HORRIBLEDDDD!

  152.  #152Daria on February 26, 2010 at 11:42 am

    I think men can grow when they “work for me” it feels good to me because I DON’t work. I, the feminine, grow from receiving worship, not work. And so for the man it is just as growy to work for me.

    Feels deliciious

  153.  #153Lucy on February 26, 2010 at 11:48 am

    I am going to try an experiment with TN man. I just read this from Michael Brown: “Consider that few accomplishments surpass developing the capacity to be our own best friend. When our lover is also truly our friend, a great journey becomes possible. Take note that the people who genuinely become our longest, dearest, timeless companions upon the road of life, are those who want nothing from or of us.”

    I am going to do what it says in that last sentence: I am going to want nothing from him. I am going to LOVE him instead of WANT something (text/call/visit/etc.) from him.

    When he crosses my mind, instead of feeling and thinking how much I want to be with him, have him visit, etc. (which constitute WANTING something from him) I will feel and think simply that I LOVE him — as a wonderful human being, not as anything Imaginary — and that I appreciate the gift he is in my life. I will not ACT on that love by leaning forward or anything, but just feel it and smile.

    It is true that those I love the most and are closest friends with are those who want nothing from me — we just love each other, like Michael Brown says.

    I would like to be TN man’s “longest, dearest, timeless companion” (isn’t that beautiful?) but maybe that is more likely to happen if, like Brown says, I want nothing from him, but just love him (NOT talking about the giving, overfunctioning kind of “love,” blech). And without agenda. No attachment to the outcome. Just love for the sake of love.

    Comments are welcome. I am open to seeing possible flaws in my intent. 🙂 Or tweaking it.

  154.  #154gina on February 26, 2010 at 11:55 am

    sometimes it feels like work to resist the temptation to contact a man…

  155.  #155Daria on February 26, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Lucy – i feel sad reading this. Sounds like squashing desires – didnt work for me with my friend become love.

    btw – this means you WANT to be his “longest, dearest, timeless companion”


    I feel sad Lucy

    this guy doesn’t seem to be stepping up to give you what you DO want.

    Telling myself I’m not gonna want what I want wouldnt’ work for me.

  156.  #156Daria on February 26, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    What I would do is;;; When he crosses my mind, I would think – what is he giving me in this moment?

    As in, I imagine that when a man crosses my mind its because he’s energetcially GIVING me something

  157.  #157Daria on February 26, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    Gina – that work to resist the temptation to Work for a man, is the Work our boy does for US. to rehabit ourselves to good actions for ourselves.

  158.  #158Lucy on February 26, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    But Daria, wanting what I want isn’t working either because I have been wanting him and apparently can’t have him. Either way, I have to stop wanting him. My choices seem to be: A) Stop wanting him and forget about him, or B) Stop wanting him and feel love towards him whenever he crosses my mind.

  159.  #159Lucy on February 26, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    What could he be giving me when he crosses my mind, Daria? I feel curious about that. 🙂

  160.  #160Daria on February 26, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    Lucy – I would do a blend of choice A AND B

    with a VERY important change to choice B.

    “feel love FROM him whenever he crosses my mind”

  161.  #161Lucy on February 26, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    But I DON’T always feel love FROM him when he crosses my mind, but I can feel love FOR him.

  162.  #162Lucy on February 26, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    I feel sad that you feel sad about it. 🙁

  163.  #163Daria on February 26, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    YEs — well thats where the work is for you…

    the tool is to imagine man energy coming towards you, even when it doesnt seem like it and youre nto feeling at first

    this is a very important tool that i use in the club.

    to put myself in the target, and imagine every man’s energy coming towards me, EVEN when they don’t seem to, like their back is to me or their talking to anohter woman

    this is how to MAGNETIZE him

    the more you practice it, the stronger your magnet gets

    love for —-> out ward leaning forward energetically

    love from <—— leaning back energetically

    this is how Rori teaches we can "use" a man that comes up in our thoughts and dreams to Help us. because he's coming up, we can practice magnetizing his energy, imagining him giving to us, supporting us.

    THIS may even shift the energy so that it shows up in the physical — definitely opens up your energy to receiving from him

  164.  #164Lucy on February 26, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    Oh Daria, I feel both confused and excited about what you wrote.

    I DON’T WANT to imagine things that are not REAL!

    I DO WANT to believe and understand the reality in what you are saying, if there is reality there.

  165.  #165Lucy on February 26, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Michael Brown: “It is not necessary to imagine what is real.”

    If it’s real, it’s real, and we don’t need to imagine it.

    If it’s not real, why would we want to imagine it, except to amuse or entertain ourselves or feel better for a little while?

  166.  #166Lucy on February 26, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Oh! I just remembered he was in my dream last night!!! (Thanks for mentioning dreams, Daria!)

    In the dream, he was sitting beside me at a banquet table. There was a drop-dead gorgeous woman sitting across from us, flirting with him. Haha, he was completely uninterested in her. I felt amused by her leaning forward. There was another woman on a speaker phone in the room, talking to him through the phone but he was ignoring her. Her voice was very seductive and inviting but he did not care. I felt amused by her as well. I started making fun of these two women, not meanly, just kind of teasing. I knew I had him, he was mine, and he had no interest in anyone but me. He was completely silent, but I just knew he was mine.

    Weird dream!

  167.  #167Siena on February 26, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    “because he’s coming up, we can practice magnetizing his energy, imagining him giving to us, supporting us.”

    Daria, I LOVE this! How does this work for you? I would love to start using this tool, but (as with all of Rori’s tools) need some more ‘meat’ to understand it.

    Could you give an example of what you imagine while you’re doing this?


  168.  #168Soignée on February 26, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Dear Lucy,

    your insight of only loving the human being without requiring anything is very very noble.
    But in my experience, before I had some of the love experiences, I had some stories based only on my inconditional love. Yes,I loved my dream, the other human being for being together with me, to love me.
    And I had some delusions. Why, because they did not love me like I wanted them to.
    They considered me not a goddess of high-degree-difficulty, but at a certain point, they started to consider me some kind of “boring”,”friend”,”sister”.
    When you give the love without requiring anything from the man, it means you automatically pass to the role of “mother”,”sister”,”friend”, when the erotic love stops. Because only mothers, sisters, friends can love inconditionally.
    Also if he does nothing for you.
    In the man mentality, they show the love through CARING, through INVESTING in you, in time, energy, understanding, money, the more they invest them in you, the more they love you!!!
    Caring is equivalent for love in the man world.

    I passed some years loving for sake of love, but I became a “friend” instead of a “dream woman”.

    Sharing and caring for you, the active loving, the showing love to you, this is the man’s love for you.

    He will care if he loves you.

    But if YOU love him without asking, he will at some point, turn his need of caring and sharing to another woman. Loving for the sake of love will make a lot of love pain and turn off the “fire of love”.

  169.  #169Goodheart on February 26, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    Dorothea & Tinque, thank you for your words. I know that this incident was meant to help me & I am trying to view it as such. As you said, Dorothea, sometimes it is the other person & his issues. He certainly did make me want to hug him or be playful with him. He was very stiff & nervous. Still, I should’ve been practicing my feeling messages & girliness. What I truly want to do is really be in the moment & as I’ve been going over last night in my mind I realize that I am almost always in the future or in the past.

    Does anyone have any tricks for being in the moment?

    Tinque, I guess the real problem for me is I don’t really know what opening my heart feels like. I don’t know how to do it. Literally. I always felt that by telling a man what I was looking for was doing that. But that just scares men. So I’m sure of even where to begin.

    I feel so thankful for this blog & you wonderful ladies on here.

  170.  #170Siena on February 26, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    Wow Soignee, awesomely wise post! I feel the wisdom of love and loss coming through your words. This is something that it took me a long time to understand in my life also, but you are so right!

    “When you give the love without requiring anything from the man, it means you automatically pass to the role of “mother”,”sister”,”friend””

    So so so true! Beautiful feminine wisdom!


  171.  #171Turtle Girl on February 26, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    In the ideal world-if we were so wonderful and spiritual and caring and loving and everyone male and female has a course in miracles and watched Dr. Phil and Wayne Dyer and other gurus, etc etc etc., then yeah – Linda’s comment would work………….

    However, we live in the REAL world, not the ideal fantasy world. I agree with Soignee, if a man cares he will invest time, energy, money, caring, giving, etc etc.
    If he does not or if he does only slightly we get either nothing in return or crumbs. That is how it is. Every time. I sat down since I have been on this blog and actually wrote down all my men relationships-documented who they were, how they acted, and what happened. BINGO-every single one I got crumbs from did not care, not really. The ones who did busted their asses to please me. Those men ended up asking for my hand in marriage. The others did not and it did not work.

    This is just how men role. I did not want to believe it–but there it is. This is why when we act like them-over functioning and doing all the doing-he run away or see us as friends-we become them. Ass backwards role.

  172.  #172Turtle Girl on February 26, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    I meant this is how men roll-not role.

  173.  #173Turtle Girl on February 26, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    I thought I would also add how I know men who are married to “high maintenance bitches” that spend their money, buy lots of makeup, clothes, shoes, etc, get costly hair cuts, make overs, spa treatments and the like — and the guys are always grousing about it to each other at work-but guess what? They stay right there with their women, bitching all the while, but still married to those high maintenance gals. Interesting, No? Yes?

  174.  #174tinque on February 26, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Goodheart – Imagine it. Close your eyes, and take your focus down into your heart, right into its core. What does it feel like? If you can’t come up with something make it up, eg. it feels soft and squishy, or it feels hard and dark, or it feels fluttery and light, whatever you can come up with. Now imagine this energy extending out beyond your heart, maybe just a tiny bit outside your chest, however much you feel comfortable with. Try a little farther. How far can you extend this energy?
    Imagine yourself physically parting the curtains around your heart with your hands or with energy. Let whatever is in there waft out. Only as much as feels right.
    Now next time you are with someone who feels safe to you, maybe a girlfriend, try this. Try imagining your heart energy opening outward. See if you can feel the other person’s energy coming towards you, into you even. How does this feel?
    Now try it with a man. How does that feel? Scary? Good? Not sure?
    Keep practicing this, maybe each time opening your heart just a little bit more.
    You may feel it actually opening up in your chest. You may feel like it’s melting.
    You may feel like it’s spreading.
    You may feel like you’re connected to others, to the universe.
    You may feel resistance.
    Whatever you feel is good. Just keep playing with this, and look at it as play, not work, PLAY.

  175.  #175Dan_Brodribb on February 26, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    I have found the more I love, the more love I have to give to others in my life.

    I loved my ex- more than I thought it was possible for me to love someone. When we broke up, I felt betrayed by the universe. Why would it give me this person and then take her away from me?

    But I’m starting to recognize that for me anyway, my capacity for love seems to increase the more I do it. So I’m grateful to her. Loving her showed me how much I had, and it’s increased my ability to love other people in my life.

    The thing I’ve most been learning lately is to ‘love without doing.’ Which is a new thing for me, so I can’t explain it well. but basically I’ve learned to “love first–act second.” If I’m in a loving mindset, I’m better able to do what needs to be done. And somethings there’s nothing to do. Learning to ‘love and do nothing’ is a trick I’m just discovering now.

    I owe it all to the woman who broke my heart. So even though there are moments where I’m sad and angry and resentful, I’m also very very grateful.

    So I don’t think there’s anything wrong with loving someone, even someone who isn’t necessarily good for you. I think it’s possible to love someone and still do what you need to do for yourself. In some ways, I think that’s the only way to really love someone.

  176.  #176Goodheart on February 26, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    Tinque, I will try this. I think I have had my heart closed up for so long I don’t even know if it’s there or what it feels like. This hasn’t served me or protected me, really. I will have opportunities this weekend to practice opening it up to people who are safe for me.

    Thank you so muc & I will let you know how it feels for me 🙂

  177.  #177Soignée on February 26, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    Dear Turtle Girl,
    it is the truest truth on the earth. Maybe living with like you say with “high maintanance bitches” and they claim and claim that everything they have to do, but they always remain with them.
    So maybe the “bitches”, or the very requiring ladies , they give the men something to resolve, for example a problem to solve. So they are concentrating on solving the problem and it keeps the men moving, providing, thinking in one direction, they stay in movement, and they as soon as they see results, they feel “winners”, like the problem has been solved thanks to me, I am a champion. (a funny example).

    So the bitches, they complete the need of the men to provide, to move, to be alive, to be “the winner”, briefly: to be a man.

    And if the lady takes too much for them, the man feels like a baby, like a small boy, and sees the lady like a mum.
    And the boys have different type of love to mothers and to their women.

    I closed recently a relationship with a guy where I was real and showed sometimes my temperament and character. In these days, I got the sms where he told me: I miss you. Your character is in some way sarcastic, but I go crazy about it. It gives me fire.”

    I was a little bit bitchy, and he can not remember me. I did not want to be bitchy, because normally I am a good girl. But this time I was real and plenty of fire. So he went crazy about it. And he told me: If you were sweat, too sweat, I would not like it. It would give me diabethis.”

    If I knew that in advance that I have to be requiring and not to love for love sake, I would have spent better years of my life!!!

    So I really believe that the more you require of your man, the more he will be with you and the more he will be the man, the provider,

  178.  #178Soignée on February 26, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    Sorry for my mistakes, but I am sure you will understand what I meant.

  179.  #179Daria on February 26, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    Lucy –

    Rori’s tools are about imagining. Imagining is a way workign with Energy. Energy is real.

    I feel angry at Michael Brown for tranferring confusing messages.

    . Remember Michael Brown is a man. Men have a different way of “feeling” and “being” in the world than women do.

    You KNOW why we practice the tools, including the imagining ones. Because they WORK.

  180.  #180Daria on February 26, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    Siena –

    Rori talks about this tool when she talks about a man being on your horse, etc…

    its when a past lover comes up in our thoughts, sometimes obsessively. So what to do? It’s HARD to completely STOP and never think about him again.

    He comes up in our thoughts, ANYWAY.

    so what did Rori do?

    she made a tool to imagine this man as a HELPER. That is, in our imagination (where the thought of him comes up anyway) rather than obsess over him and what we did wrong with him ,etc, we imagine this man is here to help us! He is cheering us on like a cheerleader, reminding us and encouraging us NOT to make the mistakes we made with him, etc.

    That way when he shows up univited in our thoughts, we can USE his energy in our thoughts to HELP us.

    HOw do I do this …. hmmm… okay… one way I do it is – I admit that I need more practice with this actually – hehe…

    well one way I do it is, I do the HUNDRED MEN exercise.

    That is I imagine a hundred men surrounding me, wanting to be close to me, offering me diamonds, gifts, cruises in their nice cars, etc… and I make the man who came up in my thoughts part of this circle.

    WOW DUH _ I’ve been doing this with guywhohadababy but not so much with other men I know… I think its a great thing for me to do!!!

    PS – be prepared to have NV’s jump up telling you how thats impossible, etc etc… remember to love the NV’s tell them you got their back and KEep on practicing!

  181.  #181Rori Raye on February 26, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    Ellie, Welcome – and the trick is to not think about what didn’t work and what went wrong, and where you’re “struggling” – but to look forward, Circular Date, keep moving and experimenting with what DOES work, and what feels good. Then those things will simply grow bigger than the icky stuff. Love, Rori

  182.  #182Rori Raye on February 26, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    Thanks, Siia – but it doesn’t matter – comment and ask your questions anywhere – we’ll all see them and help you with them…Love, Rori

  183.  #183Rori Raye on February 26, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    Jeeana – I got another request for this…I’ll send your comment to my customer service team – I think paypal is an option at my ebay store…I haven’t checked. Let me know, and I’ll work at getting Paypal as an option here. Love, Rori

  184.  #184Sasha J on February 26, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    dear Daria,

    you rock too.
    every CHOOK here rocks!! *chirp chirp*
    i love reading what you write and
    i am feeling pretty close to asking you for your autograph too 😀

    i am feeling more healed on feeling rejected by last week’s date.

    thank you rori you have a great knack for being able to follow and capture each mini step, no matter where we are, and help guide us. it feels so amazing, because i remember when i first tried your stuff,even though it all sounded like it made sense, i felt SO much resistance!
    it took months. before i was able to really hear what you were saying.

    and if i want to feel some good man-love, like if i want to feel the feeling of catching a great wave, i have to learn all the little things, and practice the little things, and know where the rocks and rip-tides are, withoutfeeling scared of them, learning to use them if i can, without having to feel like a victi because of them.

  185.  #185Sasha J on February 26, 2010 at 8:31 pm


  186.  #186Orna Walters on February 26, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    Subscribing. 🙂

  187.  #187Sue on February 27, 2010 at 8:44 am

    Hi Rory,
    I’ve been w/ Mike for 7 1/2 years & I’ve always done the chasing & waiting because I was afraid he would leave.
    Two weeks ago, we got into an argument & haven’t talked since.
    I’ve always let him do what he wanted, even if it didn’t feel good to me. Now I’m paying the price. He’s a spoiled, selfish man & I contributed to that.
    I love him very much but I don’t know how to turn things around.
    I’ve decided not to wait for him & live my life but I’m still hoping & I guess, kinda, waiting for him to make the first move.
    We’ve had alot of great times! Most generally, I don’t have a problem doing the things he wants to do but when I’d like him to do things that I like, he declines most of the time.
    I don’t know what to do…. I can live w/out him but I don’t want to. He is a good man & has lots of potential. If he could just get over his ex-wife cheating & trust me not to do the same. After all, I’m not his ex-wife.


  188.  #188Vickie on February 27, 2010 at 8:53 am

    Hello Rori,

    Your dating advice has been AWESOME–so awesome that I’ve met someone who has all of the qualities I look for in a man. And the wonderful thing is that I’ve used your Circular Dating technique to help myself from falling head-over-heals and falling into the “instant relationship” mode, which was my past behavior. He is actually doing the pursuing, and I’m just sitting back and letting him! I’m amazed at how relaxed and carefree I’ve been in our “getting-to-know-each other” phase of the relationship. Now, however, I need your advice.

    I’ve been chatting with him online now for about a month. He lives about 1000 miles away, and we will be meeting face-to-face for the first time next month during my vacation. I have a few questions about his pending visit:

    1. Should I offer him accommodations in my home if I feel secure enough to do so?
    2. What activities should I plan for the two of us when he comes for the first visit?
    3. Should I introduce him to my family members and friends yet? (Mom, brothers, best friend and her husband, etc.) I do know that we are on the same page in what we are looking for—a spouse. He’s made this clear to me several times.
    4. And the big one: How long should he stay? This one is tricky for me because he will be flying in. It’s not like he can just jump in his car and leave if the two of us don’t hit it off at all! He’s even asked my advice about this. I avoided answering because I simply didn’t know how to answer him.

    Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated. This will be my first date in several years! He seems to be a really good guy–a keeper–so far; and I don’t want to blow this before we ever get a chance to really get to know each other.

    Thanks so much,

  189.  #189gina on February 27, 2010 at 10:12 am

    just wanted to share that I am pursuing this man a little and it feels really good so far. Like for instance, a few days had passed since I heard from him and I was feeling heartache and confusion about it. some guy friends thought it was totally my turn to take a step towards him, so I took a risk and texted him “hey handsome. how’s your week?” and he was super warm and flirtatious back. We’ve been flirting ever since. He looks like Jake from the bachelor, except more handsome and bigger and more muscular. He’s so beautiful! It feels almost strange to find a man so freakin adorable.

  190.  #190dorothea on February 27, 2010 at 11:01 am

    “He looks like Jake from the bachelor, except more handsome and bigger and more muscular. He’s so beautiful! It feels almost strange to find a man so freakin adorable.”


  191.  #191Sue on February 27, 2010 at 11:23 am

    I just read some of these posts & WOW! I’ve learned a few things already. Thank you Rory & everyone here!!

  192.  #192gina on February 27, 2010 at 11:54 am

    and now i’m all thinky and it’s falling apart. I am detaching now! i am free in the universe and single! I am a goddess attracting all kinds of men all the time. they come, they go…they come in all ages shapes and sizes…some come closer than others, and some stay longer than others, but they all go. Some come back…but then they go, too. I love them all and wish them well! Muah!!

  193.  #193Harrfc on February 27, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    So can someone please tell me how I raise the bar, and don’t accept the crumbs and become a doormat without being critical or demanding?? This something that I struggle with so much as I want more from my man and my relationship and I want things to change but how do I express my feelings without making my man wrong?

  194.  #194Siena on February 27, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Thank you Daria for explaining that tool. I had a funny thing happen to me last night – I read your post, and decided to start imagining him coming back to me and giving me flowers or a letter.

    So I was sitting there on my couch with the front door opened to the warm night, imagining him coming to the front door, when I heard someone coming up the steps. I got up to see who it was, and it was a man with flowers! My heart did a skippidy-skip-skip-skip! The man with the flowers had his head turned when I first saw him and he looked like my guy. I nearly fainted! Turns out the flowers weren’t for me (the were for my roommate) and it wasn’t my guy.

    I had to laugh then. Oh the irony! I think I need to work on my imagining skills. ;D


  195.  #195Rori Raye on February 27, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    Sue – Welcome—Love, Rori

  196.  #196Rori Raye on February 27, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Welcome, Harrfc, and the answer to your question is in every post here, all my newsletters, the ebook and all my programs – in other words – a course! The basics for how to stop doing what doesn’t work (demanding, asking, criticizing…) and doing what does work (opening your heart, Feeling Messages…) is in the ebook – have The Relationship You Want (get it fro the sidebar with my programs and you’ll be practicing and changing your life in an hour…). Start there, read everything here, get my newsletters, and please come back, share your story with us, and ask specific questions. We’ll all help. Love, Rori

  197.  #197gina on February 27, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    my thinky part really wants to say that he probably would really like my friend stephanie. Cause he didn’t seem to like that I’m half Italian and he mentioned how pretty he thinks women of his ethnicity are because of their light eyes. I mean he’s flat out telling me that I’m not his type. He also told me that he asked for my number cause there was something in my face that attracted him and he likes my hair. And he thought or maybe we could at least be friends…and when I read that, I interpreted that he was saying that I probably have hot friends. I feel strongly that he would be more attracted to her than me. Actually, most men would. She’s 19 and luscious and adorable, yet she has moments where you see how strong she really is. Off to jog….

  198.  #198Lucy on February 27, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    What I wrote earlier: I am going to want nothing from him. …I will feel and think simply that I LOVE him — as a wonderful human being, not as anything Imaginary — and that I appreciate the gift he is in my life. I will not ACT on that love by leaning forward or anything, but just feel it and smile.

    My experiment with TN man is going beautifully! Beyond what I hoped for. I feel such joy, peace, hope, openness, spaciousness in my heart. The more I want nothing from him, the more I receive from him. It is wonderful and magical!

    Maybe the reason I did not want to IMAGINE what was happening with the energy is because I tune in pretty easily to what is ACTUALLY happening with the energy. The energy of Wanting is different from the energy of Having. You can’t Have while you are in Wanting. The energy of Wanting resonates at a fairly low level — lower even than Anger — and MUCH lower than things like Trust, Serenity, Reverence, Acceptance, Love, Joy, and Peace. By choosing to LOVE him instead of WANTING things from him, I am resonating at a much higher energy level — and therefore able to HAVE instead of WANT. 🙂 I knew this conceptually before, but now I am actually EXPERIENCING it! I feel so excited and at peace.

    Soignee – The energy of unconditional love is not a leaning forward, outgoing energy — it is a vibrational energy that draws love toward it. What YOU are calling “unconditional love,” *I* would call “unconditional niceness” or “unconditional servitude” or “unconditional giving” — not really Love at all. 🙂 That kind of so-called “love” is based more in
    low self-esteem/guilt/shame/pride/abdication/enslavement/etc. or sometimes in higher energy levels of release/transcendence/acceptance/courage/forgiveness/etc. but NOT based in true unconditional Love, which is much higher than all those things and does NOT involve tolerating “bad behavior.”

    It is not about GIVING love, it is about simply BEING love, which is what we all are underneath all our childhood wounds anyway. TN man has always given me much more than I have given him. I have never been the kind of girl who does a zillion things for a man. I’m kind of free-spirited. I am not the housewifey, mothering type by a long shot. And I am definitely not “sweet.” Lol. Soignee, are you the one who wrote about Melanie and Scarlett? There is a good example of what I’m talking about — combining the best of Melanie with the best of Scarlett. That’s where it’s at. This is how the current man-who-wants-to-marry-me described me in a recent email: “I see you as a strong independent woman who is honest to the depth of her soul. You are beautiful and wonderfully sexy.” Authentic unconditional love does not mean being a doormat.

    Without unconditional love there can be no AUTHENTIC intimacy between a man and a woman. Only shadows of intimacy. A dance of egos, rather than a dance of hearts.

    Turtle Girl — Your comments felt interesting to me. I don’t know the course and the gurus you mentioned, but I do live in the spiritual world you described in that first paragraph, and so does TN man, and I suppose that is one of the things that appeals to me about him and why we get on so well together. What you described in your second paragraph …. I have found the reverse to be true: the men who go “all out” are usually operating out of their own need, NOT genuine love. They are the flame that burns brightly until they have their wife, then they fizzle out. That is why I feel turned off by men who do too much — I can feel their needy energy. I was married to one myself and have seen it with others all around me. They give in order to get. What I love about TN man is that he does not have that needy energy, and he loves me unconditionally.

    Dan — Yes! I love what you wrote! Especially the paragraph about “love without doing” — you are right, love is more a “condition of the heart” than it is a “doing.” Doing can come out of that loving heart, but sometimes, as you said, the most loving thing is to do nothing. My favorite thing you wrote: “I think it’s possible to love someone and still do what you need to do for yourself. In some ways, I think that’s the only way to really love someone.” When I read this, I feel like a happy, carefree little girl twirling in a sundress in the middle of a field of wildflowers with a heart bursting with love and joy and freedom! 🙂

  199.  #199Rori Raye on February 27, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Vickie – oh my gosh – STOP!!! You are running ahead on all burners, and you haven’t even MET this guy!! I’m going to answer this in a post right now…Love, Rori

  200.  #200Rori Raye on February 27, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Sue – Welcome, and you’re not going to like this. It’s not about not getting over his ex-wife’s cheating and fear you’ll do the same. He’s still hung up on his ex wife. If you’re not married at 7 1/2 years, and he’s selfish – drop him now, start dating and get on with your life. Stop waiting. If he shows up with a ring for your finger and a wedding date, great – but let him know you won’t accept not being cherished and taken care of – and if he hasn’t stepped up to the plate yet – I wouldn’t hold my breath about it. Perhaps if he feels he’s going to lose you – he might – but be sure it sticks. His cheating wife was all about her…and YOU are all about HIM…that makes him think you’re second best – YOU still want HIM, and he doesn’t get it! Love, Rori

  201.  #201Harrfc on February 27, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Thankyou so much for your reply! maybe I am a little slow and inexperienced at this…but I am working wih the tools from your programs (they are simply amazzing by the way!) and yout ebook…and I feel so much more able to open my heart and use these feeling messages, but I still find it hard to tell my man basically that I want more on a communicative and emmotional level from him.

    He is very busy with work 7 days a week all the time…and I really appreciate when he does have time to see me…I have totally stopped calling him, txting him and starting IM conversations, however I feel that he only gets in touch when he fancies it and has no absolute DESIRE to be with me…sometimes it feels as though he only comes to see me when he wants sex and I want so much more than just a physical relationship…how do I get this across because at the moment I am very “cool” with everything he does…I dont complain or whine or tell him what to do…but he doesnt seem to do it on his own…but then I worry that I am expecting too much?? I really really care about my values and being respected but I want to get this across in a non dramatic way without telling him he is doing things wrong…Is it better to do this with actions or words?

    please help me xxx

  202.  #202Lucy on February 27, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Last night I was talking with my ex-husband about the guys I am dating. He told me that he knows he can’t love me the way I deserve to be loved but that if I don’t find what I’m looking for, he will be there for me, waiting for me, and would be happy to grow old with me. Lol. Aww, silly boy. 🙂

  203.  #203Sue on February 27, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Thank you!
    I should’ve explained that I am not looking to get married. I just want things to be on a more even level w/ him.
    It took me a minute but I got what you’re saying about me being all about him & being second best. {Light bulb} But I don’t understand the last line,
    “You still want him and he doesn’t get it”.
    I’m just totlly confused about everything. I can’t even express myself here.
    Thanks anyway!

  204.  #204Goodheart on February 27, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    Tinque, last night as I was drifting off to sleep I thought about the exercise you suggested. I was very exhausted from a physically demanding day & was ready for sleep, but I was relaxed & felt it would be a perfect time to not think, just feel. I imagined what my heart felt like. This is what I felt:

    It feels like it’s covered with something
    It feels warm
    It feels solid
    It feels hard
    It feels active

    Then I imagined pulling the covering off of it – whatever it was wrapped in for protection (almost like a piece of meat wrapped to be placed in the freezer).

    I peeled it back. It felt warmer.

    I fell asleep 🙂

  205.  #205tinque on February 27, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    Oh Goodheart – I’m so excited. This is great. Doing this or anything where you are looking to reprogram things right before going to sleep is one of the best times. You are at your most open and vulnerable, and it can do its thing while you sleep.
    Keep working with this. See if the feelings shift and change. Observe if fear steps in. Just keep working with this/playing with this.
    I have to do this a lot even though I have no logical reason in my present reality to be closed off or fearful, but when these habits are instilled early, it’s a continual process of playing to keep the heart open and feeling whatever she feels, and she may feel better some time than others. It’s ALL good.

  206.  #206Jennifer on February 27, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    Make him work for you? Really?
    That would be good if there were ANY men in my life. Like any.
    I feel so angry. I feel so alone. I feel like “what’s the fuckin point?”
    I feel invisible. I feel small and on fire and ragy.
    I resonate with some of the posts about the right kind of weird. I just feel like I am the only wierd like me.
    My friend told me that I’m a “ruby”. She says that most guys are looking for a steryotypical “diamond” but I don’t fit into that box. I’m a ruby.
    I feel that it was meant out of pure love. I still feel bad and different.
    I have NO messages on three different dating sites.
    I feel like shit.
    I’d love to be able to practice the tools on men. But there aren’t any.
    The closest I have come is the guy at the gas station asking me my name.
    Right. Great.
    What do I have going right now? I’m close to going up north to take a nursing contract. Then I’m thinking of applying to go back to school to get my RN degree.
    It will take 5 years to get the degree and I feel on the fence about it. When am I supposed to meet anyone if Im in school all the time?
    I feel like I’ve been waiting all my life to be loved and this is just going to get in the way. But at the same time I feel like this is a good way for me to take very good care of myself financially.
    B says he didn’t put me on the paperwork for the military cause he felt I was not comitted to the relationship.
    Fuck me.
    ok Rant over.

  207.  #207Lucy on February 27, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    Jennifer, I feel glad that you are able to express your feelings here.

    I empathize with “the right kind of weird. I just feel like I am the only weird like me.”

    That right there is why I will not cut my long-distance man loose — when you find someone who IS the same kind of weird you are, you cherish and treasure it, and are amazed to find that you aren’t the only one like that afterall.

    Ideally, I will at some point have such a man in the flesh, but until that time I cherish my “weird like me” guy.

    I am rooting for you to find a man who is your kind of weird, Jennifer. And I am rooting for YOUR guy to be with you in the flesh right from the start! 🙂

  208.  #208Jennifer on February 27, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    thanks Lucy.
    I think that’s why I am having such a hard time letting go of B.
    We seemed to be the same kind of weird.
    My family doensn’t think so though so maybe not.
    My version of wierd seems to throw men off.
    I’ve posted before about being told I’m too smart.
    I guess I’m also too direct. B says so.
    But since I don’t know who else to be..I guess I’ll just be me and see where that takes me.

  209.  #209Lucy on February 27, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    Jennifer — too direct and too smart . . . do you have other aspergerish traits? I feel curious about that. I have a lot of them, and so does TN man.

  210.  #210dorothea on February 27, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    I was just pondering what I know and do about opening up or resisting opening up. And a poem was born. I would like to share it with you please.

    It is called “You Me She” because it is about myself but I can’t seem to even own every part of my feelings in this matter out of fear of opening up, so the subject keeps changing from “you” to “me” to “she”:

    When people love you the most, and their numbers grow…
    That is when you’re allowed to fall into the darkness the least.
    Your sadness is a slap to the face
    Of anyone who has deemed you worthy of burning off braincells in
    Undeserved thoughts of you.

    But their gifts are a curse, inspiring not only terrible cliches but also
    The lonesome wisdom that what I have as so much
    Is still so little to them.
    They will always have their families and a designation of
    Happy memories,
    While *they* are all I have.

    Their hearts are big to make room for her,
    But she will always be compartmentalized from
    Unconditional love, where they hold their families behind a seamless wall,
    Whether they want to be loved or not.

    But you, Eva, you are disposable.
    And the walls of my heart’s compartments caved in long ago
    because she had no one to keep in there to hold them up.

    Now there is only one room for visitors to rest in,
    And these people are all I have.
    Their hearts are full with unconditional love for people
    Who can never be me
    Because I was born to a family that threw me away, not theirs.
    So people come and go easily.
    They cannot fathom that the only way out of my heart
    Is punching a hole in it. I have no compartments
    To kindly reassign to folks that are not unconditionally trapped there,
    The way they would to me…

    And they run away screaming because I keep
    Slapping them in the face,
    Murmering something deliriously about how I’m all out of bandaids and
    Bleeding into my gut.

  211.  #211dorothea on February 27, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    I cried midway through writing that. It feels so good to let that terrible scared feeling out that there is no one to love me unconditionally.

  212.  #212Jennifer on February 27, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    I don’t think so. B’s nephew has asbergers and has a total lack of social skills.
    We are just WAY direct in my family. We don’t lie and we tell it straight.
    I guess I DID some cues that B used to complain about.
    He always said he did nice things for me that I never noticed.
    He also said that I wasn’t comitted to the relationship.
    Does that count as asbergerish?

    My colour is Green in the colours personality profiling.
    I’m an EFTJ. I don’t know if that helps……

  213.  #213Lucy on February 27, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    Jennifer — That’s interesting that B’s nephew actually has a diagnosis of asperger’s, since it is genetic and there is a wide spectrum and you said B is a similar “weird” to you. Many people have asperger’s traits without having full-blown asperger’s.

    The directness you describe, as well as his complaints that you mentioned, all are asperger’s traits. You can look up John Elder Robison on facebook — he wrote a memoir — and his fb page has a lot of info.

    The reason I am mentioning this is that I have heard there are dating sites specifically for people with asperger’s traits. I don’t have any experience with them personally, but it may be something to look into to find a man with a similar kind of weirdness. It is just a thought — so, no pressure. 🙂

  214.  #214Jennifer on February 27, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    hey lucy thanks
    I would tend toward him with Asbergers. If I took him anywhere that was new ….. he froze. He would stand in the corner at family gatherings even though he had been to lots of them before.
    He also had a lot of inflexability in though. If something bad happened once…forget him trying anything like that again.
    Any off hand comment by me….would freak him out.
    He seems to be doing well in the military though…seems to have friends etc.

  215.  #215dorothea on February 27, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    oh yeah sorry my other name is Eva not just Dorothea

  216.  #216Daria on February 27, 2010 at 6:38 pm

    I feel good!

    Lucy I feel triggered by your post.

    I feel loved and supported and I feel a lil tummy hurt.

    I feel glad I went to magical acupuncture lady today. I feel amazed at how much Im learning.

    I feel stingy nose and squeezy tummy. i feel glad! I feel glad to feel good while healing this cold.

    I feel glad I just ate.

  217.  #217Daria on February 27, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    e-letter today:

    So here’s a Tool to help you END all that
    suffering. Let’s call it: I AM ALL THAT!

    Try this –

    1. Imagine that your attractiveness is
    boundless, your eyes are magnets, your heart is an
    open pool of gold that every man wants to dive
    into, and your body (no matter what you think) is
    a lush place that every man longs for, feels
    awestruck just thinking about getting close to,
    and yet feels safe within.

    2. Imagine that’s what HE sees, thinks and

    3. Whatever doubts, fears and thoughts that
    come up inside your head about being a boundless,
    magnetic pool of gold that every man longs for –
    let that nasty voice, those negative images, that
    heavy perspective simply STEP ASIDE.

    4. Let them simply step out of your picture for
    a moment (all you need is a moment), so this man
    who sees magnets, gold, boundless lushness and
    safety in you can GET to you.

    5. Paint this picture for yourself in your
    imagination right now, this moment, and keep it
    going all day and night, no matter what happens.

    6. Once this imaginary picture is in your mind,
    and the good feelings it brings are in your heart
    and body – when you’re in the market, at the
    drugstore, walking down the street, waiting in
    line at the coffee house – you will begin to
    EXPERIENCE yourself as a magnet for men.
    You will easily be able to imagine the energy of
    every REAL man coming towards you.

    7. Leanback – actually tilt your body backwards
    — to keep your energy in “Receiving” mode while
    you’re imagining every man you meet (especially
    the one you may be in a relationship with right
    now) GIVING energy to YOU.

    The absolute truth is that YOU are at the
    CENTER of hundreds of men who want you. You’re
    just likely focused, like so many of us are, on
    ONE particular man who’s got a hold on your heart.

  218.  #218Daria on February 27, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    I feel guiltyaaaaay! i love my guilt!!!! i love my desire to controlllll! Thank you desire to control

  219.  #219Rori Raye on February 28, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    Dorothea, Thank you for this…Love, Rori

  220.  #220Rori Raye on February 28, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Jennifer – I wish I knew you or could talk with you – it would help us all help you more to get a pool of men. Weird is a label – we are all unique and different from everyone else. What men are looking for is a way out of their loneliness. Directness and smartness are wonderful traits – it’s how you use them, what the vibe of you is that makes all the difference. Have you read my ebook and perhaps have Modern Siren (please forgive if I missed some of your earlier comments where you talked about this stuff)? Does any of that fit for you? There is a big difference between direct and smart and ‘hard” on the outside. Remember – what we’re going for here is strong on the inside, soft on the outside. If you’ve got armor up around your heart – perhaps letting down the walls even a bit will help men find you…Love, Rori

  221.  #221Jennifer on February 28, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Hi Rori….I have your ebook and reconnect your relationship.
    Maybe I’m just not internalizing the tools?
    People say I scare men.
    I want to practice the tools but there aren’t alot of men for me to try them out on in my life right now. Since I’ve gotten out of the relationship with B I’ve been skittish to be around them and the dating sites are turning up nothing.
    I wish you knew me and could talk to me too. That would change things alot I bet.

  222.  #222Jennifer on February 28, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    hey Rori…any questions you have you can feel free to post here. I feel comfortable to answer them. any help would be appreciated.

  223.  #223Jennifer on February 28, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    So there really IS something odd about me.
    It suddenly occured to me that B has “chumped me out” as the kids at the highschool where I work say.
    I’ve been chumped out.
    I Gave him money so he would be ok until he got his first military pay…meanwhile he had changed bank accounts effectively leaving me on the hook for $2K in overdraft.
    He put his mother down as his emergency contact and recipient of his life insurance should something go wrong, meanwhile he was on BOTH my insurance policies and listed as the recipient of my investment portfolio should I die.
    I waited for him for a year.
    He applied for base housing and never told me.
    He says I was not comitted to the relationship.
    And ya know what?
    That is the funniest shit Ive ever heard.
    I’m ROFLMAO!!!!!
    And I just had to call him and tell him.
    I told him that he AND his mother had chumped me out and it made me laugh my ass off.
    I’m definatly wierd.
    Rori, my love….I don’t even know if YOU could help me.
    Save him from his lonliness? I was right there. Begging to be allowed to do it. And I got DENIED!!!!!
    The cosmos has a sense of humour.

  224.  #224Tina on February 28, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Jennifer, Im so sorry to hear that. I wish I could say something that you are ready to hear. What I can say is this, keep your ears and eyes open, even some advice may piss you off , that’s ok because your at least finding your anger. Remember to stick with “feeling” messages, I feel anger! I feel like bashing him on the head with a rock! whatever works for you. Do it here on this blog. Baby steps Jennifer 🙂

  225.  #225Lori on February 28, 2010 at 9:00 pm


    One of my sons has Aspberger’s Syndrome, and I find his directness endearing. It’s almost like he has an inability to lie, play games or bend the rules at all, much less break them. Once I got past him telling me embarassing things in public like pointing out loudly in church that I had a pimple on my face, I realized that I found his childlike honesty and straightforwardness refreshing. I feel certain there is not just one but several men who will find your directness beautiful, whether it’s Aspbergerish or not! Just stay on your bridge and love yourself and the men will come at some point…..

  226.  #226Linda on March 1, 2010 at 4:49 am

    I have been reading… getting caught up. This is a great community of women. THe occasional man too.

    As I read, I was inspired, admonished, encouraged, challanged, perplexed, enthused, enlighted and affirmed.

    Daria.. I know you are right.

    Soignee’, Lucy…. I feel there is truth in both of your positions on love and unconditional love. I have seen it go both ways.

    Incorporating my faith and beliefs into the information that is offered here for me is often delicately balanced. Sometimes I feel a great tug of war between the two and at other times I dont.

    When it is all said and done I have to learn, and really know, ME. Stay true to ME and what I need and want.

    I know what I need to do… I will do it. I am a leave no stone unturned kind of woman. I cant have any what if’s. Responding to what is going on around me is takes a bit of time for me in some cases.

    There are things that are set to happen this week. They are not what I had hoped for. I have left the door open and honestly believed for the best.

    I have done this and I feel at peace with ME. I have given S every opportunity to step up which he has in many ways, but he is about to hang himself with the grace, (rope) that he has been extended. The game is about to end. I feel at peace, the thing that I needed most.


  227.  #227Tracy on March 1, 2010 at 6:03 am

    I love your inqury on the whole thing….i was going through the same questions in my head and asking me….how do i feel about these things and why i am i okay with it or not….and what are my boundaries?
    I always remind myself that there are no accidents or coincidences….everyone who comes to my life is for the purpose of teaching me something about myself…so what’s the message?..

    I love Rori’s post and its so Spot on!….
    I have been doing the online dating thing for a while and its so easy to get caught up and start amking up a relationship before i even meet the guy.I am learning to not go too much into my head and just let life play itself out….Its fun that way and having no expectations ensures that i enjoy myself regardless of the outcome!hugs

  228.  #228Goodheart on March 1, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Ok, I stepped out of my comfort zone a little today, Since I have zero men in my circular dating rotation right now (the online thing is not working – it’s like a hot mess of losers on there). I signed up to go rock climbing at an indoor gym. It’s through Meetup.com, which I’ve heard about, but never tried. There was a guy on there that looked kind of interesting so I felt What The Heck! Well, he just sent me a greeting asking if I’d ever rock-climbed befored & what else I do for fun. I feel a little excited & happy about this. The thing is – I was really interested in rock-climbing so I just went with what I was FEELING. 🙂

  229.  #229Orna Walters on March 1, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Way to go Goodheart!

    Great way to do something you WANT to do AND create the opportunity to connect. Brava! I’m so excited to hear about your adventure.

    Jennifer – this made me think that perhaps the online thing is not for you right now. You can go out and do something NEW that you want to do.

    Meetup.com is a great way to find out what is happening in your area.

    One note of caution: Only go to an activity/meeting that You are GENUINELY INTERESTED in. Even checking something out for the first time is great as long as your interest in checking it out is real and true.

    Woo hoo!

  230.  #230Cinnamon on March 26, 2010 at 9:38 am

    Hi everyone, I’ve been using rori’s tools now such as modern siren and the e-book and they have all made me feel so much stronger. I am getting used to the feeling messages but am really struggling with the ‘stepping aside without pushing away’ and wondered if you guys had any tips as you give such great insight. I have someone who I have been in a kind of relationship with for 6 months. Prior to this we hung around in the same small group of friends for about 18 months. I was very cautious about getting involved with a friend so we started off really slow and he was pushing big style. In feb he started acting weird n distant and now we are just stuck! He texts me only a couple of times a week. We make weekend plans on a Friday. He is no longer affectionate and we haven’t had sex for close to a month.

    Using the tools I have talked to him about how I feel using feeling message and when I said there was distance between us he agreed and said I was acting cold and funny with him. So now I am trying to still back off and make him step up but remain warm- it’s soooo hard! However, I have a trigger this weekend which I want to handle differently and dont know what to do. When we go out with the joint friends we are invited separately but as we live close to each other we normally share a cab to the venue.

    What I’m struggling with is how to handle being there with him. This week he has been particularly cold towards me with very little contact yet when we get to these places he either acts so frosty to me the friends ask if we are still together or is all over me. How he is in the week run up doesn’t seem to have any bearing on how he us when we get there!!!

    In the past I’ve dealt with this all wrong. If he acted cold when we had a good week I’ve just left him to it. I reacted with coldness too rather than staying warm and open. It’s difficult when you are angry!! If he is all over me when he has been ignoring me all week I either push him away saying ‘oh you want to know me now do you’ or I don’t say anything and act like his behaviour in the week is totally acceptable. All of these leave me feeling angry.
    Can I use feeling messages in a public place or should I say nothing and wait until we are alone? How do you stop the anger from just taking over? How do I say you can’t act like my boyfriend one minute n ignore me the next in a feeling way without sounding judgemental or cold and pushing him away? Any other ideas? Help!

  231.  #231Rori Raye on March 26, 2010 at 11:47 am

    Cinnamon – this does not sound good. He sounds strange. Staying warm and open while telling the truth is so amazingly powerful. You might experiment – touch him when he’s there, even if he’s cold. Smile at him. Perhaps he thinks you’re angry with him – and you are…Try saying – I feel weird – I want to touch you and hold you and kiss you and have you be all over me, and yet I feel a kind of coldness from you, and it makes me feel like protecting myself and running away and being cold back…what do you think we could do about this? Likely, he’ll tell you the truth back. You can talk like this anywhere…just ask him if he’d be willing to step aside with you to a corner or a hallway or something…Love, Rori

  232.  #232Alicia on March 31, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    I want to hear more on this post too..

    Rori, I wish you write a book I can read in bed! lol

    I am printing your ebook.. But, I did get your dvd’s so I can’t wait for more info..

    Thanks for the wisdom!!

  233.  #233Jennifer on April 15, 2010 at 9:32 am

    Rori, whats your take on why Jake choose Vienna in this season’s finale? She seemed to be TOTALLY in her masculine, ESP when she CLIMBED INTO HIS BED and practically refused to leave in that one episode with the overnight date ? I would love to hear your take on her and WHY he chose her…..

  234.  #234Ladybugs on April 15, 2010 at 11:03 pm


    Dopamine- feel good brain chemical!

    Here is my theory~!!! haha. Jake and blondie.. bungee jumped off a bridge together! (hellloooooo DOPAMINE GIGANTIC HIT to the brain) they faced a crazy intense feeling of fear, to giddy excitement and saftey. Like we all know attraction is a feeling. No words or convincing can make you feel it for someone. When we are in love we get these dopamine hits to the brain NATURALLY – chocolate does the same thing on a very small scale.


    They can be greatly induced by taking huge risk. There was a show once called the “science of love” that prooved that theory. Google it (science of love/ dopamine). It’s interesting… I personally think it was a witty trick from the producers to pick the “bad girl” of the show and toss them off a bridge for ratings becuase of this. For Jake – Thinking goes out the window and it’s all feeling crazy feel good vibes from there.

    Plus, on the Discovery channel – they showed pics of men to women on the street. They also showed the same pics of men to women who just bungee jumped. The women who had just bungee jumped scored the men much , much higher. ( Just saying how an intense dopamine hit can change our thinking process)

    Remember when Christie Brinkly had a plane crash with a guy and married him 6 weeks later? Same type of thing… Except we all cant bungee jump and hop out of planes or ride crazy roller coasters all the time. (however, those are great date ideas for you and lover boy) My roomie took her boyfriend skydiving for his b-day.. now they are talking engagement. haha. And she just swore she had never been in love before him. So I gues the moral of the story is when the love of your life ask you what you want to do… Tell him, bungee jump together, skydive and ride roller coasters. HAHA

    Just teasing but, heyyy try it sometime.. You will be screaming all types of FEELINGS!!

  235.  #235Rori Raye on April 16, 2010 at 10:05 am

    Ladybugs, Welcome, and this is BRILLIANT!!! Love, Rori