She’s in Love With a Married Man Who’s Being Abused

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Here’s a letter from Jocelyn, who’s suffering through something that sounds extreme at first – but, actually is VERY, VERY common with many of my clients and women I talk to…

“Rori, I feel a little uncomfortable pouring my heart out for the world to see, but getting help is more important. It’s a little long. I apologize for that. I wanted to have seen, a little of the person, I am before stating my problems.

Since I am writing to you, you can tell I’m one of those people who need your help. I know I’m supposed to keep it short, and Ill try; but I am a very wordy person and need lots of help…and I think it would help if you know a little bit about me. Your emails help a lot, by the way. But I’m still having major issues that I have a hard time handling.

Here’s the deal. I am sixty years old. I know that I never have looked my age (or acted it 🙂 because I keep attracting men who are, at the very least, ten years younger than I am (sometimes more). Its still happening and Im ok with that. Thats not my problem.

Ive always been extremely lonely…even as a child. I used to read every fairytale I could get my hands on until the library didn’t have any more. Then in Jr High I was turned on to romance novels and have been reading them every since. I keep thinking maybe I should throw away the ones I have (I have several sets by certain favorite authors) because they are not reality. A friend once told me that I have abandonment issues…that no one in my life has ever been there for me. I guess that’s true. My father left when I was six.

My mother spent most of her life in the bars. She wasn’t an alcoholic exactly…she was more addicted to being the center of attention. She was pretty so she succeeded. She put me down a lot so I have had that to work on too. Also, every man in my life has eventually left me. I know there as are a lot out there just like me. As I said earlier, youve already helped me a lot with it.

This lonesomeness seems to be my key problem. I want someone in my life to share my daily life with, but when they come into my life, I make them the center of it and drive them away. You talk about that all the time so I get that part. And I get the part that the key is to actually BE busy. I just have a hard time finding men to practice on…(except maybe in the bars… and I just don’t enjoy going to them any more. I never really did but it has been the only social life I could find in this area.) And at times the loneliness is almost more than I can bear.

I am currently working on treating myself better…to love myself as I have the men in my life. I go to the movies, and try to find activities outside the bars, but there isn’t much around here.

I’m working on my interests. I’m going to school. I want to get my associates degree. This is a separate problem. As much as I want that degree, it takes ALL my time. I can’t go to just one class at a time because I have to go to at least two a semester to get financial aid. So I have very little time to pursue an interest in a life partner or have much of a social life. All the males at school are younger than my own children (40,38, and 36), and the ones that aren’t are usually married.

I know I am an attractive person. I also know I am an interesting person. I have driven a race car (once). I have been a volunteer firefighter (for about a year). Ive even had the grand entrance that most girls dream about. And now I am going to school…and when summer gets here, I will again work at the local glider port in lieu of pay in the pursuit of getting my license and learn to fly gliders. I have been working on that for the past three or fours summers.

Unfortunately, all the men there are married, and the two ladies there don’t like me. I imagine its because they are so frumpy and I keep up my appearance because its something I enjoy doing.

And now here it is. Actually I met someone I grew to care for a lot. He and I fit together so well, in so many ways. He’s everything Ive always wanted in a man. He’s highly intelligent. He’s kind to every one, always thinking of ways to help others. He has lots of integrity. He has the same interests, thought patterns, and philosophies about life that I do.

But now I think I’ve pushed him away. We both, however, have issues we need to work on. Mine is learning how to love myself and the biggest one…to not feel so lonely all the time. His is….. he is in a VERY bad, verbally and physically abusive marriage. He wont get out because of that integrity thing. His favorite motto is if it isn’t working, try harder (I think he picked that up in the Army), and he does, to no avail.

When we started out we were just two lonely people looking for a friend. Then we started getting closer…emailed, texted, called each other every day, and surprisingly enough, he made most of the efforts there. He’s backed away from me twice because he couldn’t handle it all…his wife’s constant abuse, finding time for me (he lives about an hour away), and concentrate on his job (hes a high up executive in a large global company).

This try harder thing has me stumped. I know from experience that sooner or later he will reach his limit and probably leave her. I’ve always told my kids of that philosophy…everyone has their line…their limit of what they can take…and they can’t find the strength to leave or change their circumstances until they reach it. Well, things started getting bad at his home again recently like they did about this time last year.

She was mad at him, and I made the mistake of whining when he didn’t call when he knew I was sick, like he usually would, and the stress of it all was affecting his job….so…..again he pulled back, said he needed some space, that he was almost over the edge. So now I rarely see him or hear from him. I miss his friendship so much….yes, the affection and attention too. I won’t lie to myself about that.

BTW, we have never had sex (although we have come close, but know that would ruin everything…especially our friendship…I want that at all costs!) I feel so comfortable with him. I can talk to him about anything. We’ve never even kissed accept on the cheek.

Sometimes I’m fine (50% at least). It’s the in-between the fine times that are so hard. I don’t have any one to do things with. My phone can go literally days without ringing…and I’m not exaggerating there. I have a best friend, girlfriend, but she is about 40 minutes away and has none of the same interests with me.

The things we used to have in common no longer exist in our lives, but she does call occasionally to tell me what is going on in her life. I’m working as a shipping clerk because office work doesn’t pay enough around here to be able to live on your own, so no one at work really fits into my life either…and the one or two who come close are married with children.

This loneliness is eating me up. I work all day then come home to an empty house every night to work on school work. I know I’m alone too much but don’t know what to do about it. I even went to the show by myself. I could go on and on but I think you can now get a picture of my life. Can you help me?


P.S. I dont mind if you use me for an example. If I could help anyone out there whose life is like mine I would be very happy about it. – Jocelyn”

Here’s my answer:

Jocelyn, you sound wonderful – and the only problem is that you’re wasting time being hung up on a man who can’t do the job for you.

No matter how wonderful a man is – the ONLY thing that counts is whether or not he wants to be with YOU – permanently and fully…and this man can’t.

Not yet – and – you’re not going to like this – but a man who stays with a woman who’s abusive (forget the “integrity” thing as a reason – it isn’t that) – actually, on some deep level – WANTS to be abused.

This means that – if he were to leave that relationship – he would NOT feel attracted to YOU – a NICE, GOOD woman.

Can you see this?

It’s similar to the way many women are attracted to “bad boys” and abusive men.

He actually does NOT want to leave this woman.

On an intellectual level, he knows it’s awful and you’re good and kind and sweet – but on a subconscious, visceral level – he wants to be abused.

It turns him on in some way.

It’s not healthy – but then you KNOW that.

And I want you to know this important face – you have plenty of time.

I’ve worked with many women in their sixties who’ve found love – and much more quickly than you’d imagine.

Online dating will help you tremendously – because you don’t have time for getting out there because of school.

Forget the bars and find things men do – golf, sports bars, sporting events, classes, lectures, computer classes…stuff like that that interests you.

And – if you live in a town that makes finding a good pool of men impossible – then you must consider moving.

Online dating will help you see this…and help you experiment.

I’d consider getting good online photos and consulting someone about a great profile (some online services are as low as $39 to tweak your profile and give you feedback.

What you want to do is get your inner “boy” in gear to get you out there, proactively – out of the house, up on dating sites, at singles events and Salsa dancing and speed dating…and THEN – you want to just settle back and breathe once you’re in that situation – and practice being ONLY a girl…

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Orna Walters on June 24, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Thank you, Rori for posting this. Issues of this sort have been coming up with my clients as well, and I ask: “Do you want what you have now with this person you believe is “right for you,” or would you rather have the real deal – everything you desire with a person who is at this point unknown to you?”

    It is possible AT ANY AGE to create your ideal relationship, however the work begins and ends with YOU.

    Any man who is not available to you NOW (regardless of the reason) is not the man for you. There is a “gift” for you to receive – a golden nugget – something that has to do with YOU, so you can move forward and create what you desire – and that’s the only reason he showed up.


  2.  #2Maria on June 24, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    I was wondering if there is any way to fully and completely get out of loneliness.

  3.  #3Daria on June 24, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    Yes I feel disappointed that the loneliness wasn’t directly addressed.

  4.  #4Orna Walters on June 24, 2010 at 2:51 pm


    Absolutely! Yes, the solution is in shifting your relationship with yourself.

    This is exactly why CD is such a great “tool” because it supports you in making the shift (it is not, as Rori says above, about finding good men, or a good man).

    Changing your relationship with you is a process and there are certainly tools that will support and assist everyone, however, the KEY is unique for each individual so I don’t have a “cookie-cutter” answer for how you are to accomplish this for yourself.

    Big Hug,

  5.  #5Daria on June 24, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    I’m feeling sad. I’m feeling tigthened up like my outer layer is violently vibrating. And I feel tired… drained.

    I feel my energy throwing itself around. I feel my pond water sloshing out. Mmm

    ?i feel wet in my throat. I feel tight in my cheeks. I love my wetness and tightness

    I feel heavy in my face I love my heavyness

    I feel opening in my chest with sunshine thinking about some of the nice time i spent yesterday

    then i feel fear

    i love my fear

    i love my heaviness

    i feel longing for man

    man to make it better

    i want to make it better for me

    i want to escape the house so i can rest

    i feel jumpy unaaccepted in the house

    i feel vulnerable to bad news

    i feel numb

    i love my vulnerability

    i love my numbness

  6.  #6Denise on June 24, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Interesting…what I see missing from this woman’s life is good girlfriends. As women, we instinctually need to belong to a group and need relationships with others–bonding with other women is a huge part of our femininity and happiness.

    I am always wary when a woman says that other women don’t like her. What is the constant in that situation? I have met many, many new women over the last year and do NOT find that women in general are not friendly and inclusive–especially as they get older.

    So if Jocelyn concentrated on herself and making herself the best she can be, and focus on getting some close girlfriends, the lonliness will subside.

    I also agree with the maturity and character of this married man–doesn’t he think enough of himself to do what’s right for him? He doesn’t owe anyone anything. In addition, there are ALWAYS two sides to a story…who knows what he says is true.

  7.  #7tinque on June 24, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    Loneliness is a funny thing, easily or not so easily shifted depending on the state of mind. I spend a great deal of time alone for various reasons, some out of my control for now, yet I rarely feel lonely.
    I truly believe it’s a mind shift thing. A change from thinking in terms of meager to abundant.
    Everyone here seems to have a far more active social life than I, yet still there is loneliness.
    Is it possible that because I do have a special man that this shifts my feelings about being alone? It’s possible.
    Yet family and dear friends are wonderfully soul filling and loneliness chasers.

  8.  #8Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    I am also the Queen of Loneliness. I have been in extensive lonely blackholes inside and isolation outside that I hope no one ever feels as deeply.

    I still struggle with loneliness, but, after 21 years of writing people in prison, I have learned that I MUST have live people contact in order to not be lonely. Long distance people contact helps tremendously, like this blog. But it is NOT enough. I thought I could make it enough. I wasted years of my life staring at a computer screen and/or a piece of paper, writing letters to my penpals, until I reached a place of loneliness that was so unbearable I thot I was coming unglued.

    I believe I have worked away from most of my past loneliness by getting out of the house 4-6 nights a week, just AROUND PEOPLE, whether or not there is deep interaction…ANY interaction helps. And the other part is DEEP interaction. I find the level of relating on here is at an intimate level that I find very fulfilling, comforting, and encouraging.

    I believe my ideal will be for an intimate relationship with my future husband and one or two close friends, with whom I can share almost anything. And, I also believe each person has a God-shaped hole that only God can fill.

    I feel much better these days, but I am still lonely. I desire intimacy with a man on all levels. I really like the book, “Soulful Sex”, where sexual and emotional and spiritual intimacy are all combined in the ideal relationship! That’s going to be my nirvana!

  9.  #9Aminata on June 24, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    Hi Maria and Daria,

    On the loneliness thing. I went through that situation for the past two years. I moved from New York to a tiny farming town in Cali to take care of my mother. The only person who I knew at the time was my boyfriend. I made him crazy and honestly I made myself crazy because I was so lonely and needy.

    I agree with Tinque, loneliness is a mind thing. For me though, getting over the mind thing only started when I threw myself into something I really loved. At first i threw myself into gardening, because the soil is perfect for growing things. I know I looked like a fanatic because I planted gladiolas, roses, a nectarine tree, 2 cherry trees, a grape vine, 2 orange trees and I sprouted a mango tree! That last tree felt exciting and exhilirating. That was a good start but it wasn’t enough to stop me from being crazy.

    Then I added going to the gym. Nope, still loopy. Then I added hanging out at open poetry mics. Really rewarding but still not enough. Then I started flirting online because the boyfriend ran from me like his butt was on fire. Met a cutie. Ok a little better. I got published in a book, wrote another one and am looking for a publisher. I found some friends on facebook. I applied for grad school, and got in…

    you see where I’m going? I added so much stuff gradually, it created a snowball effect where I just don’t have time to be lonely. Between getting ready to move to a busy town for school (Rori is on point. You may have to move to a new town), talking to the online hottie, looking for jobs, going to the gym, taking care of my mom, hanging out with artists, publishing things and visiting friends I don’t have time to be lonely.

    My life is full and crazy with activity but I’M not crazy anymore.

    And the boyfriend who ran away to Africa ran all the way back to California and is calling me all the time. And when I answer the phone I have to remind myself not to call him by 2 other guys names (rori! I took your advice and I’m circular dating like mad!).

    I hope my story helps someone. There’s no need for you to be lonely. And Alone is super fun! The poet Gwendolyn Brooks says:

    “…Aloneness is delicious. Almost like a small red apple that is cold. An apple that is small and sweet and round and cold

    And just for you.”

  10.  #10tinque on June 24, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    Yes Aminata, yes…

  11.  #11Daria on June 24, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    Aminata – thank you for the poison apple. I love my juicy dangerous irresistible siren poison.

    That is delicious. Thank you.

  12.  #12Rori Raye on June 24, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Denise, Welcome – and what a very cool comment and insight…so look forward to reading more from you…Love, Rori

  13.  #13Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    I am the type of person who enjoys a lot of alone time. I feel hesitant about a relationship because of this – or at least had for much of my life. Maybe I’m selfish – I don’t like not being able to do what I want, when I want. If I’m selfish I’m ok with it, but I’m finding more & more that I want to find a balance. That while it’s nice to do what I want, it’s also nice to know there’s someone to come home to.

    I never even had a roommate for about 8 years & I was ok with it. But then I helped one of my best friends out with a place to stay when she split w/ her fiance & discovered I liked having someone else around.

  14.  #14Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    So here I am, in a new city, feeling extremely blessed to have the opportunity & to have found the tools to find exactly what it is that I’m feeling, so I can work toward that balance.

    I have had a hard time being able to receive help from anyone & as a result have found myself dependent on friends about half of the last three years. I feel blessed to have such good friends. I even feel okay with having had to learn it the hard way. And now I’ve been given a wonderful CD who is very giving to practice receiving some more. I’m feeling comfortable with it now. It feels exhilarating!

  15.  #15Daria on June 24, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    i feel so mad i dont have the money to pay my phone bill and its off! and my dad wont help me with my consolidated credit card bills tomorrow sooo

    i feel so frustrated

    and tehn i feel icky thinking that in the future i wont be able to go anywhere because my license will be suspended and ill be lucky if im able to get a restricted one for work and tehy mite put a breathalyzer in the car how shameful i dont evne drink like taht all for one effin nite of drinking urgghs stupid county no one gets in trouble for this in the next country over grrr complain

  16.  #16Daria on June 24, 2010 at 10:47 pm

    i feel totally undesirable not having the money to pay my phone bill!

    who wants a broke bitch!!

    efff itttt


    NO ONE is gonna help me

  17.  #17Daria on June 24, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    i hate life!

    no i hate money!!

    life is fine, its freakin money that is a problem

    why cant i just have money for this ish

    then i could live somewhere else, have a comfy car or live somewhere with public transportation, freakin have my phone bill paid and no worry about bills

    i hate you life and your stuipd relationship with money

    cant you see hes toxic
    i just wanna shake you

    dump that loser!

  18.  #18Daria on June 24, 2010 at 10:52 pm

    i was afraid of my dad and feeling blocked cuz he doesnt want me to get a job to just pay the bills, he needs it to be a “great” job that he likes,
    buti told him i want to just get an effin job so maybe ill have less resistance and just wind up with one now and get the efff out of this place where im not by public transportaion ffff uuuu

  19.  #19Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    Aww, Daria, I feel confused. Why, if your dad won’t help you with your bills, does he care what kind of job you get? I’m feeling frustration with you. Sorry. 🙁

  20.  #20Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    Maybe I should rephrase that to “I’m feeling your frustration right along with you.” 😉

  21.  #21Daria on June 24, 2010 at 11:10 pm

    My dad is a jerk. I told him that today. I feel glad. I feel like im freer expressing myself. he’s scary and jerky and he loves me.

    kinda like the guy who threw me against the car last nite. i dont want that.

  22.  #22Daria on June 24, 2010 at 11:11 pm

    Thanks Sweetpea. I feel tightening in my forhead and i love it. I feel a lot freer now that I cant pay my bills. FUck it!!!

  23.  #23Daria on June 24, 2010 at 11:12 pm

    haha i said the efff it and i got moderated. eff it!! hehe

  24.  #24Daria on June 24, 2010 at 11:12 pm

    Thanks for noticing me Sweetpea I feel overcomputered ill be back lata

  25.  #25Daria on June 24, 2010 at 11:15 pm

    i feel afraid to have a relationship i dont really feel i deserve one because i am a JErk. i mean i cover it up nicely with i feel this and silence but most of the time im just a jerk, im not compassionate and i just want to talk shit and tease people a lot

    the part of Rori’s teachings that DID stick was to not throw myself under the bus, so while I now am firmly clear and comfortable and safe that im not gonna doormat myself,

    i feel like an independent non man needing lone woods woman, too jerky to have a man close to me, get away from me loser

  26.  #26Daria on June 24, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    as in thats how i woudl talk to them, get away from me loser basically and they with their fragile egos wont be able to take it,

    ok now thats actually starting to seem attractive, like maybe a manly man will, but manly men get all reageful and throw me around cars at which point ii am so cool, get away from me loser i hate you and my dad so efff offff

    i odnt need a man i can have babies on my own, its not like its hard to have sex with you weak ass stupid no money making always going to jail losing this spirit war battle bendy twiggy ass losers who just want to fight and blow your demons out like dragons ass losers or else act like babies an freakin wimps GOOD BYEEEE

    no wonder women go gay around here for real omgosh i have so always seen it but i really can dig it its like no kidding men are sucky right now suck suck suck it they made it so they dont seem like men its not their fault its freakin slavery keep people enslaved under the psychological stress thing take em to jail if they make independent money capture them, keep the populatikon under control woo hooo

    my dad believes in aliens but thinks my making herbal teas for medicine is stupid

    i think he doesnt care how i feel i feel i am in danger of getting hurt i think that he would hurt me even if i was vulnerable, i think im likely to attract men like that at least i dont think my dad is used to hurting people like that and would stop but some of the men i attract may have more experience with it and really hurt me not caring ugghhhhh

    this life is stupid hello who set the videogame level on “hard” what happend to easy

    dude i be thats what the naa’vis on avatar said

    they kicked the sky people out tho by sky people

    urrrggh mad yucky bow bow

  27.  #27Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    No problem Daria! I was just reading on the sidelines, catching up on this new thread & felt compelled to let you know you’re not alone on here. I felt angry hearing about that guy being violent with you last night. Hope you’re doing ok with it. Sounds like you have a lot of stressers right now. We’re all pulling for you here!

    I’ve got to get some shut eye – muscle relaxer after procedure today is kicking my a**. Good night.

  28.  #28Daria on June 24, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    born in a stupid ass depressing ass poor country if you cant relate to ppoor people you are lying to yourself i think i freaking come here and relate to ppoor people i always think theres gott abe someone poooreer but statsitically i think i found the poorest ones to relate to and then theres me too who basically feles the same but have a nice house and parents but still feel ridiculously broke like making money is grinding body parts in a huge metal machinee yuck

    i dont think im very individual money minded i think if f people are doing well all epople shoudl be doing well like tribal village style i mean in my village if one person had like all the bread i would go take their bread wat the hell dude i am hungry, youre not gonna hold on to all this bread i dont care if you baked all this bread you have the oven dude of course you baked the bread what you want to hold it cuz its yours i dont think so buddy i want it


    backpacker people go backpacking all over south america, that sounds like fun i have no kids yahoo no one i need to throw my arm into the grinder for, i dont have to cut my arm out of the furnace yeah

    benefit society i benefit society by writing on roris blog ha

  29.  #29Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    Ok Daria – one more thing I meant to say. I think it’s great that you’re learning to tell your dad how you feel. I had a rocky adult relationship w/ my dad until I decided I was going to keep attracting men just like him until I learned how to deal with him. This was long before Rori but I started telling him how I felt anyway. The funny thing is, now that I’ve learned how to communicate with him, I wouldn’t mind so much finding a guy like him. Maybe not just like him, but he has a lot of wonderful qualities that I can really appreciate now.

    good night. For real this time. ((Hugz))

  30.  #30Daria on June 24, 2010 at 11:34 pm

    thanks sweetpea

    yeah i dont give an eff that his drunk ass threw me against the car, i felt my heart sinking when he said im gonna pull this b… out of the car, i felt like oh no is he really gonna turn on me like that that hurts that he gonna turn on me when me and him are suppose to be on the same team here like the most mentally on top ones of this group of people but yeah he did turn on me i guess

    he always gets like that when hes drunk , freakin wont let people leave, this time it took liek 20 min not 2 hours, yuck i felt some icky triggers,

    but yeah before he didnt really do anything physical im suprised he did now, that makes a big difference to me, i feel sad like

    i have to butcher my favorite pig, its time to eat you piggy, i really liked you but now youre fat and its your time ,

    no excuses for physical stuff learned taht 10 years ago blah

    i havent really had it turn around, i mean i still feel wary of guys i dated i had physical issues with,

    ok some of my brothers i fought with im not scared of them, so that could possibly be an exception, then agian im not dating them, like i want to be special the one you dont hurt when im dating you , you know beauty and teh beast, like if you are hurting me then i dont feel special like i have special calming sexy princess powers

    ohhh the darkness of it, everyone is probably like blah blah how awful the men i date dont do stuff like that, blah blha i dont caer, the men i know almost all do stuff like that including my brothers and even my dad has before, dont do stuff like that to ME mofo

    rrurr freakin life is tryan be ugly beautiful, life eff you now you look like a girl wearing linty leggings with an yeast infection, shes still attracative uff everything is always still attractive, blah

  31.  #31Daria on June 24, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    Sweetpea – yes i love my dad too he rocks except for the stuff i dont like

  32.  #32Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 11:50 pm

    Daria, I feel mesmerized by what you’re writing here tonight…. it feels like a breakthrough of some sort coming…. <3

  33.  #33SmileyK on June 24, 2010 at 11:53 pm

    OMG Jocelyn’s letter really hit home with me about the loneliness. For the first time in my life I have struggled with loneliness for the past 2 1/2 years and it has been an awful time for me and I am only 34! And at times for me too the loneliness is more than I can bear. Sometimes I will phone one of my best girl friends to see if we could catch up, but they don’t get back to me & after a couple more calls and I can’t get ahold of anyone I give up. My mobile phone can go days or weeks without ringing too to hear back from the friends I called. I have a full on job working monday to friday and come home to an empty house and it just seems to consume me. I have a dog and she is my saviour, always so happy to see me & hang out, but it’s not the same as having a person to come home to. Have been in a relationship with a boy for the past 4 1/12 years who has worked away long rosters, so I really haven’t seen much of him during this time, I made the decision to move out of the house we rented together and I bought a house on my own 6 months ago & didn’t invite him to move in with me. Our relationship is just about to end as I have hated the loneliness & emptiness in my life, I want someone to share my life with everyday. I have always seemed to be attracted to bad boys, he is not abusive or has been abused by me and I have finally realised that bad boys are bad for me. Fifteen years and 4 serious relationships with bad boys in this time and look where it has gotten me, no engagement or wedding, no children yet, nothing…..but valuable lessons I have now learnt and I vow not to make the same mistakes again. And I am going to work towards getting myself out of this state of loneliness because I NEVER want to feel like this again.

  34.  #34Daria on June 25, 2010 at 12:22 am

    Lucy- Lovely.. i feel delicious that i actually have some butt ends of pot blunts saved in my closet. I don’t konw if i ever, or more than once, smoked them with my parenst home, but they went to sleep and im gonna go smoke them on teh balcony now!

    WHO CARES!! im free!!! whats gonna happen?? i get kicked out?

    ill mkae throw you against the car man move me in. or my evil godsister. or live in my car with a suspended license. eff the police.



    ill just refuse to move lol. i will say im not moving and just duck and run if im attacked lol

    i feel amused.

    SmilyK – hugs… i think i need to move girl – for the FUN


    I would feel down to live with Fun other people, that might feel fun rite?

    hey IM ALIVE!!!

    no one’s shot me, i haven’t driven off a cliff… YAY!!

  35.  #35Daria on June 25, 2010 at 1:10 am

    ugh i feel so frustrated to see my name up first!

  36.  #36Daria on June 25, 2010 at 4:23 am

    Omgosh. I just had the weirdest night. Rockstarry let’s say. Well my cell phone is off. So this one guy Dman’s brother is my myspace friend. An he always talks to me. I yelled at dman for calling my girl two days in a row – he was trying to have us come over so she would see his brother but his brother wasn’t calling her- he was nor flirting with her tho but I felt weird and it came out a lil attitudey. Then he said well u talk to dude- my brother but I don’t trip. I’m like yah.

    Ok so today. The brother is on and he talks to me. And I know the brother is close by so I tell him give me your number – cuz I’m feeling amped up an I’m thinking I will ask him to smoke with me I don’t care now in feeling upset. well I didn’t get his number then cuz he signed off

    So later I was feeling in a very wild mood and yelling at the blog and also yelling at myspace and I just felt like talkin to someone on the phone And I write the brother yo give me your number I want to call u. So he does and I was feelin so waky I just was talking waterer was on my mind. And then he wants to see me and I’m telling him we I’d feel better to be friends so he asks why and I told him cuz I’m dating his brother and I don’t really know him. So we talked a lot about me not believing in boyfriends and marriage and stuff and he asked me do I think that’s Gina happen with me and his brother and I said well I’d have to see cuz anything could happen but the way rite now no.

    So he’s sayin ok he’ll come seee as friends he’s like lol ima come see u more than other people who u Are daring. And the truth is I’m actually liking him. I felt real good at one time I told him I feel like I’m falling in love like my chest opened up and I felt hella good and happy. Then I felt regular again lol.

    Sooo then I’m hearing him talk in the background and I’m pretty sure it’s dman. And I’m listening and I’m imagining like it’s seeming like his voice sounds hurt- like he’s hurt that I’m talkin … And I even heard a mention of him saying like I got hellavgiels u talkin to one rite now- so now I’m guessing he knows I was talking to him… But the crazy thing was the covered hurt in his voice.. I mean I’ve seen men jealous a lot over me and my cousin and ITs like I could really hear it! And then I felt bad… I thought I felt gilt but I felt more scared. I felt hot and like I broke a sweat and like my stomach dropped- almost like I was the one hearing someone I like talkin to someone else. And I had a strong desire to talk to dman and fear like he’ll never want to talk to me again.

    That felt weird to feel I shared a lil bit of the feeling… We still talked about being friends and I said I want to move somewhere we talked about being roomates and how to manage the possible attraction l so I felt a bit better and then I got off. We talked for like 3 hours and I really like him a lot he wants to visit me figure our way to do when I told him o don’t on dates even tho I’m saying were Gina be friends. And at the same time I feel excited and shaky to talk to dman… I feel triggered like I did something wrong like cheated on him…

    Trigger and I have a trigger about brothers I would like to heal this in a good way thank u.

    I am Gina really have to lean bak and let this play out let the best man win and stuff I feel triggered tho cuz I have been intimate with dman that was 6 months ago tho and he wasn’t really stepping up and this man seems to want to. I choose to have them both like me more and step up and me feel good.

    I feel triggered to call myself a slut tho and ESP I feel tightened up and think that when I think of their mon who has seen me with dman. Ouch I feel pinchies and I love my pinchies and I am a woman I do way I want for myself not her. Ouch Nvs thank u. I feel evil slurry powerful heartbreakers this is a pattern I have done before I’d like to heal this thank u.

    Ok service

  37.  #37DocK on June 25, 2010 at 6:32 am

    Guess I have to add my own 2 cents in on the loneliness thing…

    I am not shy. I have no problem starting conversations with people. I have lived in places where I barely knew anyone with no family (when I moved to my current location – not one family member and only knew one person). I feel comfortable doing lots of stuff on my own. Sometimes, that’s even my preference.

    BUT there is no way to explain to someone what it was like in those early days of moving here with no family, no community base, and trying to make new friends.

    AND the thing with loneliness is so many people don’t get it. You almost feel like it’s your own fault. People are full of suggestions telling you to do all the things you are already doing (getting out, being friendly, enjoying your passions) and when you find yourself doing all those things and you do meet some folks but it just doesn’t translate into actually exchanging phone number to get together…again, you get this look like “it must be you” or “you must be doing something wrong.”

    It was so hard to explain it to people. You don’t mind doing some stuff alone – even lots of stuff – but when it felt like it was everything, all the time. It just hurt. I think you feel like you have some sort of disease because you feel so bad and yet, since it isn’t something tangible that most people don’t experience – you don’t get a lot of empathy.

    There is also no way to truly explain what it feels like when you need help and you don’t really even know anyone to call. It just exacerbates the depression.

    I would say to anyone that has a friend that you know of that has had to move somewhere and you know they don’t know anyone – I know your own life is full and it’s hard to remember, give that person a call and check in. Even if you have to put a post-it note on your fridge as a reminder – 1 call a month – not even every week – you wouldn’t believe how much that helps. Email is nice and that is helpful too – but a phone call is giving more of yourself and your time.

    I finally was able to turn it around and I now have dear friends to spend time with me. It is going to sound very strange and metaphysical – but one of the things that seemed to turn it around was this.

    I do gratitude work every morning. I finally started to acknowledge and express gratitude for every friend I ever had whether they were in my life anymore or not. I, literally, named each one that I could remember from the time I was little and knew that I had always been able to attract friends and friendship to me. I felt truly grateful. After I started that, I met 2 new friends that I spent time with within a week. I know it sounds weird and maybe just a coincidence but I feel happy to be in a place now that I like living and have people to share in enjoyable moments with living and playing and even crying.

  38.  #38Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 6:48 am

    Good morning!

    There was a tornado here in three counties with major power outages and numerous fallen trees, about 6-8 in my own yard. I had a tuff time lighting a match cuz it was damp and I went to sleep thinking about all that and about my new Siren ideas of men giving to and caring for me.

    I had an awesome dream last night!

    I dreamed that I was home, naked, and Bill knocked on the door. I threw on a bathrobe, not expecting him. He came in with a big smile on his face and set down a gigantic gift bag with a big TV in it! I was smiling all over, and so excited and surprised that I kept forgetting my bathrobe kept peeking open. He kept looking me up and down, looking at my bare body!

    I felt so odd to be on the receiving end of a relationship, and I was processing that even in the dream. I kept feeling like I had to get up and do something for him. He had also brought a fancy black outfit with a jacket and some big candle-like things to light. We were working on lighting them together, and I was thinking, wow, I leaned back and now look what has happened! He is letting me know he is attracted to me in a big way! I never had a man give me a big gift like this before and it feels so weird!

    We were laying on my bed together talking, and I felt almost shocked with surprise! I was smiling and smiling and I was enjoying how he kept peeking at my nude body in the opening of my robe. But then I was thinking this isn’t appropriate at all that I am practically naked while he is fully clothed.

    I made an attempt to get dressed, and he slid the new black outfit in the door for me to try on. It was too tight, and I couldn’t even close it in the front, but he wanted to see it, so I gave him another look at me not fully clothed. I said I guess we’ll have to exchange it for a bigger one and he said, “All right, unless you want to keep it and wear it like that so I can enjoy looking at your body more!” It felt playful and I just went with it!

    The dream was so lifelike, I woke up with a smile on my face feeling as if it was real that Bill showed me his attraction like that! This type of dream is totally new to me, and it shows me my vibe IS indeed shifting!

  39.  #39Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 8:34 am

    Wakey, wakey, California Valley Girls! 🙂

  40.  #40dorothea on June 25, 2010 at 8:38 am

    i like your dream. Where do you live? Tornado alley?

  41.  #41ALI on June 25, 2010 at 9:08 am

    To daria
    I am really sorry your haveing such a hard time with life right now. It sounds to me like you are a young intelligent woman who needs to find her own passion and what you want out of life! I too have always been poor and lived paycheck to paycheck I have not talked to my own mother in 2 years yet she lives only 2 blocks away i have not seen my dad in 8 long years i do still talk to him but he is worse off than i. So on that note i can feal where your coming from with (no help). At least your young and dont have children to struggle with aswell take atvantage look beyond whats in front of you what do you really want in this life? another suggestion have you heard of couch surfing? its a really cool way for us poor people to travel and see the world and meet new people check it out it might give you a new lease on life! good luck :)))))))

  42.  #42Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 9:19 am


    NO! I don’t live in tornado alley at all! I live in Pennsylvania!

    I used to go to college in Oklahoma. The devastation here looked like it looked there after their many tornadoes! I felt shocked when I got home. I work an hour away from home, so my company just got dark sky and rain. But about 150,000 homes have power out from what the news said.

  43.  #43dorothea on June 25, 2010 at 9:33 am

    i have lived through a couple of tornadoes

    me and tornadoes are tight like this *crosses fingers*

  44.  #44Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 9:51 am

    Meaning you like them?

  45.  #45dorothea on June 25, 2010 at 10:03 am

    yeah…i like them…i feel like me and tornadoes respect each other.

  46.  #46Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 10:18 am

    Are you a tornado?

  47.  #47dorothea on June 25, 2010 at 10:29 am

    you know…i kind of am a tornado. thanks. this is my new self conception.

  48.  #48Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Cool! Lucy is a thunderstorm.

    I’m a bear.
    I’m also a mermaid.

    And sometimes, like Lucy, I’m the horrid girl with the CURRRRRL!!

  49.  #49Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 10:45 am

    Sweetpea is a cupcake.

  50.  #50Lucy on June 25, 2010 at 10:53 am

    I’m a mermaid too. I will have lots of mermaid time in Maine. Yay!

    I’m also a faerie.

  51.  #51Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Here is a simple poem I wrote almost a year ago, and I forgot all about it until I found it in a little compartment of my wallet:


    Condensation, periwinkle, neon reflections
    In cold, smooth glass.
    Is it true that a glass ball would bounce
    Higher than a rubber ball?
    Velvet rose petals giving delicate floral dust
    To share their beauty.
    The scent of a new book is one of the best
    Smells in the world!
    But then again…
    The scent of an antique, musty book as a grip
    On my intellect, like a secret waiting to be shared…
    The popcorn scent of a warm dog’s paw.
    The taste of salt air by the ocean…
    All these things carry my senses beyond the mundane,
    Reminding me how beautiful and varied life is.

    July 10, 2009

  52.  #52Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 11:42 am

    That’s sposta be “has” a grip, not “as” a grip

  53.  #53Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 11:50 am

    I just confronted one of my triggers! I so proud of myself! Whenever anything is hard or not fun or upsetting, I block it out.

    Two days ago, I had a minor accident where I dozed off momentarily at the wheel; my car drifted into the oncoming lane; and my sideview mirror scraped the side of a van.

    I needed to call my insurance company to file a report, and I needed to contact the other driver to request an estimate so I could decide if I would pay it myself, to keep my insurance rate from increasing.

    I was totally procrastinating it, as I do many other major issues in my life. While I was thinking about it, something I read triggered the feelings I had when people were angry with me in childhood.

    I realized I automatically blocked them out, because it was too painful to deal with.

    So I decided to make a baby step and start to separate angry people from necessary business I need to work through. Next step…taxes…yikes!

  54.  #54Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    Valley girls are sleeping in today…too much fun on Siren Island last night! Hehehe! 🙂

  55.  #55aprilshowers on June 25, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    I feel triggered! Yay!

    I’ve lived alone for 10 years.

    Sometimes I feel deliciously happy alone in my home. Othertimes, I feel like lonliness is surrounding me and choking me like smoke.

    For me, lonliness has nothing to do with having other people around, living alone, going to events or not, staying busy or not. I can stand in the middle of a dance floor with hundreds of people around and feel lonely.

    It’s a choice. Just like joy, bliss, rage, anger, I get to choose the great feeling or sink into the icky feeling.

    Today I choose joy…even though there’s no man here. I don’t have an event to run off to. It’s just me, alone with my smile.

  56.  #56Daria on June 25, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    Thank you Ali

  57.  #57StarLight on June 25, 2010 at 5:41 pm

    DocK & SmileyK:

    ((hugs)) AMEN AMEN AMEN

    Yes, finally someone who understands, thank you; I am feeling teary that someone else ‘gets it’, although I feel really SAD that you too are suffering …

    I too, am pleasant, talk to people, am open, friendly, don’t sit in the corner, get out, join groups, etc. etc. etc. and STILL I have no close female friends. I have no problem spending time by myself – I eat out in restaurants alone, I go to movies alone, I go shopping alone … but God, I feel so tired and despairing of the isolation. It’s not that I don’t invite people I know, they just have their own friends and their own lives, and don’t accept my invitations. I too would make sure no one I knew was alone, especially on holidays … VERY TOUGH :'(

    I am an orphan and have no family here except my son, and he is going out on his own now – and that’s as it should be. He has his own life and his own friends. I have been transferred to another state with my job, and not one acquaintance or person I know has offered to help or ask if I need anything. I am the one who has offered to drop by to say goodbye or else I feel afraid I will cease to exist at all because no one cares whether I am here or not. I have worked at my company for 10 years (mostly men) and not one of them has EVER asked me to attend get togethers that other coworkers are invited to. If not for my son, I could be dead for 2 or 3 weeks and no one would notice until I started to rot. THAT is lonliness.

    Perhaps we could become friends and watch out for one another on this forum. My heart is heavy with sympathy – I do care ((hugs))

  58.  #58StarLight on June 25, 2010 at 5:45 pm


    Thanks for the tip on feeling the gratitude for the friends you had/have… I am going to start NOW xoxox

  59.  #59StarLight on June 25, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    aprilshowers: you are not alone; I hear you, and your smile is beautiful 🙂

  60.  #60Tina on June 26, 2010 at 1:13 am

    I spent a few days at truckmans house, today I came home. I really had to outgirl him hehe, I sat on the sofa, he came and laid down on the other one, I thought oh oh, here we go, so I laid down and stretched myself out in a laying position, hehe. He gave me a “feeling Message” I said oh? then I took the pillow out from under my head so i could position myself in a lower head position than him hehe. Then he says something about me leaving, he misses me already, I am feeling kinda stumped at this point, he says “IM hungry” I said Yeah, I feel hungry too, he then goes into masculine mode and asks me if I want to eat, I said what do you think, I m really hungry though, so he says we’ll go eat something, I said, oh that sounds awesome, Im really hungry.

    I distincting remember when I started feeling annoyance at his “feminine energy” anyway, this continued on until I left, this “battle” for girl power! hehe.

  61.  #61Tina on June 26, 2010 at 1:20 am

    I feel less anxious around him hehe. We went and he heard me sing so that was nice, of course, there were other women in the bar, and I *think I handled myself beautifully 🙂 this stuff is becoming so easy, just the basics, yeah back to the basics.

  62.  #62Tina on June 26, 2010 at 1:29 am

    Loneliness, I love my lonely feelings. I dont feel lonely as often, I did before and what Ive learned for myself is that I can easily attach my feelings of loneliness to eventual “pining away” feelings for a man married or not.

  63.  #63dorothea on June 26, 2010 at 2:18 am

    whoo tina your outgirling victory feels inspiring hehe

  64.  #64Tina on June 26, 2010 at 2:47 am

    Dorothea, being a girl feels powerful 🙂 I feel all girly and stuff. Im a badass girl. My mom bought me a tshirt when I was young like 8 and it said T-R-O-U-B-L-E hehe. I remembered that because he said I had a bad attitude once or twice . I feel kinda liking my bad attitude.

  65.  #65Tina on June 26, 2010 at 2:59 am

    and I get really nice longer lasting massages 🙂

  66.  #66Wonder Woman on June 26, 2010 at 9:39 am

    RE – The Loneliness

    I have never been the sort of person who has masses of friends. I know lots of people but I only kept a handful of close friends. One friend in particular was my life. We were best friends from the age of 3. She was there through all the big events in my life, she was even in the room with me when I gave birth to my son. I have a sister but we are very different and not really close… friend was like the sister I never had. She died unexpectantly four years ago when she was 28 and I cried every day for 3 years. It was so painful I moved away and it took me three years to make contact with the friends we had shared because without her I didn’t feel I had a real connection to anyone else. She fulfilled the lonely needs I had outside of a relationship and I can’t replace that. Anyway, I now have lots of friends and family in my life…..but I still feel lonely. I moved last year and even though I see my parents nearly every day they have never been to my house – I travel to them. I see certain friends weekly but they don’t come to my house – I travel to them. I feel as though the only way not to be lonely is to make an effort and the only time I don’t have to do that is when I am in a relationship.

    Sometimes I feel as though if I don’t make the effort to travel to people I could go for weeks without seeing anyone even though my family and friends all live relatively close by. Sometimes I also feel as though even though I love my parents and family that if I am around them too much they begin to drain me and have a negative effect on me and I find it hard to fulfil my lonely feelings with them.

    I can distract myself during the day when I am busy looking after my son or walking my dogs but at night I find it hard sometimes because even at the age of 31 I sometimes feel scared of the dark and I want someone to protect me and talk to me.

    I feel frustrated that I have to do everything on my own and cannot talk to another grownup unless I make the effort to contact someone.

  67.  #67gina on June 26, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    I picked the heck out of my skin last night, but I haven’t let it ruin my day. In fact, I went to brunch with D this morning, then we went to hang out at his pool, and then we had sex for the first time. and it all felt good. And it turns out that he doesn’t have a small penis after all. in fact, it’s a perfect penis – I love it!!

    We didn’t have a talk about what sex will mean, but I do feel confident that he’s into me so I feel good about it. when we went to brunch, his plan was for us to meet there. That felt a little unromantic, but I decided that I would feel good about it if I had my own reasons for driving – I decided to go rollerblading after the pool. In the end, I did feel good about driving, although, I was late meeting him, which I think was a passive aggressive way of acting out that I didn’t like the whole meeting thing. I feel a little bad about myself for that. In general, With D I feel cherished and special and beautiful and smart and funny and appreciated and very very safe. It is very easy for me to be nice to him (lateness is the only disrespect I’ve given him so far – only 10 minutes…I forgive myself and I love that i feel bad about it). I am feeling more and more attracted to him, too.

    I haven’t heard anything from the Creeper. except last night, I was sitting in my window sill (my favorite spot in the whole world, where I often sit late at night while on the phone, etc), talkin to D – A car alarm went off and it felt very disturbing and I thought about how strange it was that I would find the sound so offensive, it’s not like I was sleeping. I noticed a couple was walking towards me, and I felt interested in their dynamic. I noticed that she seemed drunk and that they were holding hands, but they didn’t seem in sync at all – he was dragging behind her. Then I noticed that the man wasn’t wearing a shirt (which is super weird at 2 am in this town) and then I realized that it was the Creeper! He looked up at me while they were crossing the street to get into my building. He usually parks in the parking garage behind the building, and I have a feeling that he wanted me to see him with that woman. Although, I also feel less nervous that he is fixated on me, since he probably had sex with her. I don’t know what the heck is going on, but it’s strange.

  68.  #68Charmaine Smith on December 6, 2011 at 1:50 am

    Reading your comment about been in love with a married man mad me realizes how true the words are for life is so short and we dont realizes that maybe God has that right person out their wanting for us. Thank you for sharing this with the public. It has open my eyes up and it sometimes hard to say goodbye to someone that you thought would be in your life one day but knowing deep in your heart this might not happen ever….Something that I saw and believe is so true…”AT SOME POINT WE HAVE TO REALIZE THAT SOME PEOPLE CAN STAY IN OUR HEARTS BUT NOT OUR LIVES” It so true.

    East London
    South African

  69.  #69Anna on December 14, 2011 at 11:38 am

    i dont know how shall i start my mess that i am falling in, actually im in love with a married man .. he’s too sweet to me he cares about me a lot and im loving this, at first i felt that there is something wrong but then i found myself into him he told me that he’s married but i dont know … for sometimes i say i should stop or leave but i found out he loves me too, i really feel depressed for a long time but then its all alright wheni cry, it kills me to know that his wife is holding 2 babies and they are twin they will be calling them Anna and Gaya .. we broke up once but i really could not handle it without him at al .. AT ALL i was surprised with myself that i am into him that much ? i dont know .. and my sister knows about it and she’s not ok and mad on me but still … i can not take any step toward whats happening .. i really love him ! its killing me

  70.  #70ashley on February 5, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    hello im married and hes married also, i feel in love when i saw him and it ben on every since. it ben 2 years and he broke it off, i was having feeling about him and really miss him, i want him bad because i am ready to move on in the relationship, but now im not i still in ove with him , how do i get over him?

  71.  #71jhen on March 22, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    …..I am one of those having relationship with amarried man>>>>>>I know my expectations and I know I can have him forever,but the I feel that the more I love him the more I am hurting myself.I want to leave him but cant do it.How would I manage that?

  72.  #72Rori Raye on March 22, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    jhen – quoting Nike – “Just do it.” Get out of there. Love, Rori