Instantly Change a Bad Moment into an Intimate Moment

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scroll-heartHave you ever been somewhere with your man, with your friends around, too, and had your man make a comment — like he usually does — that’s both rude, hurtful, and infuriating all at the same time?

Where you feel absolutely stuck, completely rigid and paralyzed, and have no idea what to do to fix the moment?

Where what you wanted to actually is to haul off and punch him in the nose?

Well here’s a scenario:

You’re with your man at a restaurant, and your friends are with you. Your man asks a question like “Why is it always so crowded this time of day?”

And you — the way you usually do — lean in and explain it to him. You say “Because…” and before you can even finish your sentence, your man waves his hand to you, dismissing you completely, and says — his voice loud — “Never mind!” Add a dash of eye rolling to his dismissal of you.

And you feel frozen to the spot. You want to haul off and hit him, but that just feels too frightening, you feel your face turn red, and you want to scream at him.

But because you know that’s not a good idea (screaming at a man in a public place with your friends around is pretty much a horrible idea) you keep it to yourself.

You stuff it down. You say nothing. You let your insides turn into a boiling cauldron of emotion, and you just go rigid.

So let’s redo this:

He says, “Why is it always so crowded this time of day?”

And — the way you normally would — you feel yourself leaning towards them about to speak, and… you STOP YOURSELF.

You literally catch yourself about to break one of my “Four Rules.”  You’re about to explain something to a man. You’re about to give your opinion. You’re about to be reasonable, logical intelligent, smart (and of course this makes sense because he did ask a question, right…?… you’re about to solve the problem for him.  You’re about to turn into a MAN.

You catch yourself and almost actually put your hand over your mouth to keep from doing this. You are not about to let this old, crappy, defensive, bad pattern that you and your man have been dancing, this old game you and your man have been playing since the beginning of your relationship (or the beginning of the date) — to go on for another minute.

Instead, you Lean Back (standing or on the bar stool or the cushy dining booth), you smile at your man, you tilt your head to the left (that will help you get out of your masculine, thinking mode), and you say NOTHING. Or at least, almost nothing. You could say, “Wow, yeah…” …you could say, “Bummer…” you could grunt out “Ohhhh…”

And then… everything will change.

You’ll discover a new ability you never knew you had – you can CHOOSE your words and behavior and STILL be completely authentic with your feelings. Your man — even if he’s totally stuck in this defensive pattern with you — will be amazed at your response. He might even just smile back at you and reach over and take your hand. Imagine what your relationship would be like if every interaction went like this, no matter how it got started.

Now… let’s look at what would happen if you automatically made the same defensive move you usually make –  leaning forward and explaining things to him:

He does his thing, you do your thing, he reacts the way he always does (which is to dismiss you rudely), only – this time – you can STILL do something different that will change everything.

You see – there’s ALWAYS an opportunity to turn things around. There’s always a chance to do something differently, in a way that breaks down the barriers between you, and in a way that communicates your self-esteem and boundaries, a way that turns defensiveness into connection.

And you can do this even when the emotions are off the charts. Even when you’re feeling like throttling your man you can still change your old patterns right there, on the spot.

So let’s say that he’s dismissed you rudely, and you’ve reached the point in the interaction where you usually either clam up or start screaming. You can see that the pattern is always the same — he says something that triggers you (and often he does it ON PURPOSE), then you respond the way you always do because you’ve been triggered, then he responds the way he always responds because he got triggered again by your response to being triggered… (quite a game, isn’t it?)

Only this time, in the (count them) fourth response, you do this:

You say “Ohhhh…” because your friends are right here with you, and you CANNOT tell him he’s wrong, put him down, or vent at him in public, especially not in front of his friends. This is a very, very damaging thing to do, so don’t do that.

Instead, pull out your journal and pen, or your Blackberry, or tap on your hands, and write it out and “Riff” it out. You have to write it down or go through it in your mind, or process it somehow so that you let some of the emotional energy out without actually venting it all over him or stuffing it down. And you have to prepare a speech to say to him later, to clear it all up and establish connection.

If your friends are not with you, and you’re not in public, you can go further right off the bat: You can say “Ohhhh… that feels awful.”

(If your friends ARE with you or you ARE in public, and you have to wait until later to clear this up, this would still be your opening line — only you’ll have to put it in context and set the scene so he knows what you’re referring to:  Say — “Oh… when that happened in the car before, it felt awful. And I still feel awful about it.”

Now we’re into a whole new phase of the pattern. If he is amazed by the way you’re handling this he’s likely to go “Oh Babe… what happened… what are you talking about…what’s wrong?”

And, if you’ve been playing this defensive game for a long time with each other, he’s likely to try — on purpose — to trigger you AGAIN. He’s likely to roll his eyes, and say something like “There you go again… you’re such a drama queen…”

And here’s your chance again. You can go back to your old pattern and yell at him, or stuff it down or tell him what a jerk he is — or you can LeanBack, go into the Rori Raye Dance Position, open your heart, and AGREE WITH HIM!

You can treat his criticism of you as a complement! (I’ll write a whole post later about how Jade on one of my favorite seasons of America’s next top model did just this and won my heart completely.)

You can say “Yes! I can get really fiery sometimes…” (And remember you’re going to have to observe yourself and see if you’re coming off defensive again, because you don’t want to do that. You want to change this old pattern. You want to do this differently. You want to honestly, actually agree with him. You want to accept and love and appreciate your fiery drama queen qualities. (You’d like to be able to access those qualities whenever you want and not be run by them — but still you love, accept and appreciate those qualities, because they’re YOURS!)

And then, if he insists on continuing with the old defensive patterns he may say something like “Why do you suppose you’re like that…” and before you haul off and hit him, or want to, or freeze, you can use this moment to state your boundaries with Feeling Messages. This is Strong Surrender in its full power.

You can look him in the eye (that may take practice) and say, “That feels awful….” If he doesn’t jump in, change his tune and say, “Oh, babe, what’s wrong…” Then you can just say again “This feels awful, I don’t feel heard.” And at ANY TIME – you can say “This doesn’t feel good and I don’t want to feel this right now…” and turn and leave the room.  Yep, you can WALK AWAY.

Just use the time and the interactions that show up to practice with – and before you know it, you’ll feel strong, and soft – all at the same time.

Now – remember – you are NOT doing this to be “nice” or “demure” or “girl-like” or “mature” or to DEFER to him.  You’re ONLY doing this for YOU.  You’re doing this, you’re practicing this, so that you can drop the armor around your heart.  So you can stop always reacting to things in old ways.  So you can stop living in a “defensive stance” and really, really, really be YOURSELF.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1gina on May 31, 2009 at 12:30 am

    Man, I have a tough time with this one. If a guy treats me that way, I judge him as an A-hole, I tell him what I think, and I don’t see him ever again. I never saw my dad treat my mom that way, ever. So, when I see a guy being disrespectful, I consider it proof that I better not reproduce with that loser, and I’m done. And, I’m fine with being DONE, but then, I’m a little lonely 🙁

  2.  #2Rori Raye on May 31, 2009 at 11:04 am

    Gina – I so totally agree with you – if this is ALL a man can do, if he CAN’T or WON’T change once you change YOUR side of the equation – then what usually happens is you just lose interest. All the energy goes away. Once you heal the reason why YOU’RE THERE…then all the co-dependency and toxicity in the relationship starts to be boring instead exciting. Instead of feeling triggered in a way that makes you feel even more bound to him – it just all starts to easily unravel, and that’s when you move on to a much healthier man and a much healthier relationship.

    HOWEVER – if you’re IN a situation like this – you want to USE it as “Free Therapy”! You want to HEAL YOURSELF by interacting with this man and learning how to express yourself in Strong Surrender even in the most triggering moment (that’s just the fastest way to learn – under stress).Of course – you wouldn’t want to “step IN” to a relationship like this…you’d want to catch the red flags and avoid it – but if this is your pattern, and you’re already there – you want to make the most of the learning experience.

    If you look at it this way, every single thing that happens that triggers you is an amazing opportunity to change your life. Love, Rori

  3.  #3Ann on May 31, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    I’m going to reread this again. Thank you Rori for sharing another way to focus on me. To get in touch with how I feel, to speak from my heart in a way a man can hear of course, it’s his choice how he responds. However, I’m only responsible to figure out what feel good and acceptable to me.

  4.  #4Tina on May 31, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    I am finding myself more and more in these situations. Today for example. His ex showed up on my door step with her new “boyfriend” Just in the neighborhoood I’m assuming. My boyfriend was outside doing something with his nephew ( I was in the bathroom getting ready to head out to pick up his daughter). The plan was to pick her up and go grocery shopping for myself. She asked him if he was going to pick her up. I dont know the exchange that happened between them. She left with new boyfriend. He was tense and I believe I was picking up on his mood from total relaxtion to extremely tense blah. While driving on our way to pick up his daughter, his nephew said to me that it was his uncles birthday. I was feeling already rattled a bit by the situation that took place on my door step. I said oh that I didnt know that. He said it was no big deal. I said I feel totally out of the loop and said “I feel there is things happening and I feel that I dont know what is going on and asked if I was missing something. We continued on to get his daughter at her friends house (she wasnt ready) so we continued on to getting some groceries. We picked her up on our way back. The energy I felt was not pleasant at all. I’m home now. He wants to take me with him when he drops her off then continue on to a social thing. Blah I dont want to go through that again. I’ll have him drop me off first. I know he feels the pressure. Tomorrow is his birthday and Im having a friend design a rock tonight, we’ll pick it up on our way back.

    What I am going to do is empathize with his situation (after the dropoff) and take it from there and follow the steps suggested above. I really liked what Rori said about it being a learning experiance and a chance to heal whatever is inside me. I bought two sexy and tasteful sundresses for this summer wooohoooo!.

  5.  #5Robin on May 31, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    I absolutely LOVE this post-Great, thank you Rori!!!!!

    Im practicing this-I’ve always felt so scared and stuck and I usually freeze and want to just say nothing-I have a really hard time standing up at moments like these and it been that way since I was little-so I love hearing how we can continue to practice this….

  6.  #6Tina on May 31, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    Ok, so he didnt call me or pick me up lol. I washed the floor, did some cleaning. The rock is being made lol so now what?. I”ll still say to him about how I feel about the not knowing of his birthday and take it from there. I so not feeling informed. Is informed a feeling?. nope. I feel my confidance shaking up a bit and rattled.

  7.  #7Linda G on May 31, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    I like this way of responding. When I am on a date, I don’t like giving my opinion on everything a man says. It instantly severs the connection for me. Even if he is remarking negatively on the place or the food, it feels antagonistic.

  8.  #8Linda G on May 31, 2009 at 6:44 pm

    Try to realize what really got you upset. was it the birthday thing or the ex showing up?

  9.  #9Tina on May 31, 2009 at 7:10 pm

    Hi Linda,

    I feel trampled on. I do feel anxious when she does enter my space, I feel scared as hell really. I just do. Thank you for asking Linda


  10.  #10Linda G on May 31, 2009 at 7:13 pm

    Maybe that’s the issue you need to speak with him about?

  11.  #11Tina on May 31, 2009 at 7:15 pm

    The birthday (not knowing) and the unimportance of telling me is unsettling. I feel insignifcant, worthless, like my recognition of it is of no value to him. Anyway, I had a resident paint and crave a rock with the word “courage” on it ( she made me one last week) Love it!. A gratitude rock. I put it on the table and left, he was in the middle of watching a hockey game and clipping his toe nails.

  12.  #12Tina on May 31, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    I walked home remembering what I had read on this site. Free therapy , I just dont see how this thing can be therapeutic right now. I feel sadness, the sadness really sucks, I dont like it. I know that if I see him again, I’ll feel it again. ugh!. My self confidance is shaky at best right now, I feel insecure and left out in the cold blah. However I do feel steady enough to work through this rather than feeling hopeless despair. I have to close my shell for now and work on my feelings. *reaches around for coffee cup and closes shell. till later girls!.

  13.  #13Linda G on May 31, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    hugs Tina

  14.  #14Tina on May 31, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    My “guy friend” says i need to let people in. Were chatting online now, im in my shell with my pc lol. He;s funny. thanks Linda

  15.  #15Ann on May 31, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    Tina is your astrological sign cancer btw? Hugs

  16.  #16Erika on May 31, 2009 at 8:43 pm

    Yeah, lately I’ve noticed that sometimes words do get in the way.

    Because of my blog, I’ve been the recipient of some very angry energy directed at me from men. Sometimes I notice that the best way to diffuse the icky energy within my own body is to let the words pass right through me and not respond in words at all.

  17.  #17Tina on May 31, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    Ann, I”m a libra. I feel unbalanced. Im feeling sad in my new sundress I bought lol. I took out my gratitude rock and placed it on my heart and am grateful for my sadness more so that I have feelings. *in my seashell of course lol’

  18.  #18Ann on May 31, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    AWW Tina I’m sorry you’re feeling sad but glad you’re feeling your feelings. I thought you might be cancer because you were talking about your shell. Would it feel better to take your new sundress off until you feel better? So your mind won’t have negative energy connected to your dress.

  19.  #19Ann on May 31, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    Erika I too sometimes don’t responsed to words and the negative energy they have. I love learning all the ways we can nourish ourselves on our journeys.

  20.  #20Tina on May 31, 2009 at 9:35 pm

    I feel all girly and stuff in my new sundress. I had a horrible life as a child. I didnt have the luxury of wearing a dress much less identify myself as a female. My basic humaness was taken away from me. long story cant go into detail here.

    I recall an incident where my brother (we were children) broke my dolls arm off. I cried , I was hurt. How could my brother do such a thing, this “man” i respected so much, he was my protector, he was smart, he read to me before i could learn to read. He read me comic books and every time I asked him to read he would. What a worldly brother, there was no other brother than him. He laid on a snow ball as big as my little eyes could see (we made it together) and yelled out “There is no god” I hid. He said what you scared for Tina?. I said GOD is going to kill us, were going to die. he said no GOD is dead!. I was so sad for him. I couldnt do anything for him, he was my protector. This same *man that broke my dolls arm. I tried to tell him how I felt but he didnt listen. He dismissed me, I never really recovered from that lol. just thinking about it I smile. Poor big brother he was just a kid maybe grade 2. God this is weird lol !.

  21.  #21Daria on May 31, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    ladies I am writing you from my hotel room in NEW YORK!

    I’ve had an awesome feeling day in the plane and airports and practiced feeling men’s energy arrows coming at me from all men, despite some women. It felt great. And it worked…even men with women companions were talking to me

    I even got a guy who offered to take me on a date when I just asked him for a recommendation on dance clubs hehe… and he’s handsome

    Also I did this tool when I had to sort of see the guy whos having a baby yesterday… although he didnt come talk to me I spent the whole time imagining him giving me energy lol… when I saw the way he was standing and it triggered me to feel turned on I used that to make myself feel Good rather than focus on him.

    I really like that e-letter tool of imagining a man focused on me and different women walking by and giving me dismissive or watever looks, and then also other men coming by and wanting to give me energy. I feel like Aphrodite in airports as I imagine every man around giving me their energy… this makes me feel happy and relaxed, had a lot of convos with strange men today that before I would not have

  22.  #22Jody on May 31, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    which program should I start with, The heart connection, or the modern siren? My self esteem is just so low right now, Im not sure how to jump start it quick. I just know that the place Im in emotionally feels like torture. I can only afford one right now. Thank you so very much for your inspirational words. Jody

  23.  #23DocK on June 1, 2009 at 6:03 am

    I know that I kind of got into the habit of not responding when guys make comments like that (“why is it always so crowded…”) but just shrug my shoulders, tilt my head and smile – but I also always feel a bit vapid when I do that.

  24.  #24DocK on June 1, 2009 at 6:08 am

    Hi Jody

    I will defer to whatever recommendation Rori makes but I started with the e-book and made sure that I wrote out responses to the questions that are in it – that was very helpful to me. I re-read the book and my answers every now and then when I get “stuck.”

    I have both the programs you mentioned and, although a fairly outrageous flirt, deep down I have a lot of self-esteem issues (sigh) and loved both programs but felt that the siren program was very helpful to me. : )

  25.  #25Symantha on June 1, 2009 at 7:40 am


  26.  #26Amanda on June 1, 2009 at 8:25 am

    Thank you so much for posting this. I’ve been trying to say everything in feeling messages with my boyfriend, and this will help so much more. Especially when we get into an argument.

    He has this horrible defensive habit where he’ll just say something like “oh whatever” and either leave the room, or he’ll say something else that changes the whole tone/focus of the argument (which, believe it or not, starts off calmly! I always try to speak as calm and quietly as possible, I’ve noticed that when I lean back and speak quietly, that’s when he’s the least defensive and actually listens to what I’m saying in the argument).

    It’s really frustrating being dismissed, but I’m definitely going to use these tools to help me through those situations.

    Thank you, Rori.

  27.  #27Rori Raye on June 1, 2009 at 8:55 am

    Hi – let’s add to the ‘shrug” response…you can always use a feeling Message – anywhere – you can say “ooohhh, yeah” or you can say “Yeah, I feel like a sardine in a can….” or “I”Yeah…if feels sort of automatically rushed like this…” or some other image that says “crowded” or whatever your man is talking about….try it as an experiment. Your goal here is intimacy, and learning to tolerate it at first, then enjoy it when you get the hang of it…Love, Rori

  28.  #28Rori Raye on June 1, 2009 at 9:01 am

    Erika – being able to handle this is challenging – as you get more and more “famous” you will experience more of this. This is what happens when you are successful and have strong opinions as an expert in your field….and that’s why so many of us avoid it altogether…so paying attention to this, and working with it – experimenting with that energy – and how to turn it into a powerhouse for yourself…just fantastic.

    For all of us – this kind of thing, and worrying about it is what’s holding us back from business success – so this is a great area for us to write about, so we can support one another. Success actually feels very “surreal.” When things get “easy” – the way they’re supposed to – it just doesn’t feel real, because, for most of us – life is about “struggle.” Love, Rori

  29.  #29DocK on June 1, 2009 at 9:28 am

    Thank you, Rori, very helpful advice. : )

    I like the email “5 steps…”

    “He KNOWS that you’ve abandoned your
    Bridge, you’ve abandoned your dreams, and that
    you’re focusing on him, and that you’re going down
    HIS path (which is most often a dead-end) –
    instead of sticking to your OWN.

    I hope this applies to recent situation. I know there was something about “being spontaneous” in previous messages but I believe that doesn’t mean re-scheduling your plans when a guy doesn’t give notice.

    Fave guy a bit weird lately. I gave him a version of the “no GF” speech – felt weird myself since I have no strong urge to be married but have felt his expectation of exclusivity w/o offering much to solidify what we DO have. Since then, I feel some gaming going on. First, pulling back in ways he hasn’t before, but also, questioning and trying to come by w/o notice.

    Called me asking, “so what are your plans in the next 36 hours?” but not giving me anything definite on what/when he wanted to get together. He decided to pick the time when I was LEAST available – and had told him so – but then called and wanted to come by and see me and give me some mace to take into city and seemed bothered that I hadn’t canceled “plans” for him and wasn’t there. Oh well.

    I did say that I was disappointed I didn’t get to see him but thanked him for getting this for me because now I felt more safe going into city alone (he left in my mailbox anyway).

    I don’t know. Just because I don’t know a lot of people here – no family here – doesn’t mean I don’t have my own things I love to do – work out, dance, take classes, go places.

    He seemed happy that I did express appreciation for him getting that for me and so seems in better spirits and happy to get together today.

  30.  #30Daria on June 1, 2009 at 10:12 am

    When someone complains about something like this… like “why is it always so crowded at this time” or gets road rage or soemthing I usually feel annoyed because I have a pet peeve against complaining…

    so if my man was to say this I would feel annoyed and start judging him…

    would I want to say…

    “I feel annoyed…” ?

  31.  #31Robin on June 1, 2009 at 10:28 am


    I would probably try to catch myself judging, try to turn it around with some of the tools, and see if I could feel better….

    If I was just totally triggered, I would still try to catch it and ask myself why I got triggered, and what I got angry/sad about…but I would definitely consider saying something, but only about ME w/o judging or attacking him, and only if I couldn’t sort of riff my way to feeling better in the moment.

    Just my 2 cents…hope this helps, I had this happen once, and I pretended like it didn’t happen, probably not my best move lol…

  32.  #32Daria on June 1, 2009 at 11:40 am

    Thanks Robin…

    crap. I can imagine this scenario now. I feel turned off to be with a man whos complaining… urggh.. i feel mad… i feel annoyed…

    I don’t know why yet… i guess it’s cuz i try myself not to complain… cuz it shows a defeatist outlook and focusing on the negative… i dont know… urgggghhhh….

    i feel so pist at my imaginary man for saying that… ugh… i feel energy sucked… blah bash him… i feel like bashing him and making him wrong and making him less and crushing him…

    i don’t know what this is about…lol

    i feel tension in my tummy and in my mouth… i feel like he’s complaining about ME ! aha now we’re gettting somewhere… i feel like being with ME right now is not enough for him… and I feel FURioUs

    omgosh… FUCK hIm… how dare he complain about stuff when he’s here with ME


    i feel like im not good enough to make it all better… okt ime to tell myself i love mmyself now… i llove myself and my insecurity… ahh sigh of relief… i love feeling like im not good enough… i love my Fury… it wants to protect me yay… i feel so distant from this man… i feel like i could run away from him… and i don’t want to do that… and i feel unwanted…. i love my feeling of unwantedness… i love this feeling of grossness… i love all my feelings… i am so amazing to have these feelings esp over this small and imaginary situation… i feel desperate… i love my desperation and the pressure in my mouth and chest… and that feels like laughing it out thru my nose and smiling and hehe… i love my smile and my hehe and i feel myself relaxing and giggling… i love my relaxation and giggling and now i am laughing out loud… hahah… omgosh this feels good

    thanks robin!

    gonna go explore New York now

  33.  #33Tina on June 1, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    I woke up this afternoon (3pm) feeling re-energized, the feeling quickly faded. I made my usual coffee, its a bit chilly out today. I have to finish painting kitchen wall. I had this experiance with a moth. The moth was flying around the ceiling light. I said to myself, I feel disconnected. I looked up at the moth and said to the moth, “I feel disconnected, come here” ” Fly to me and touch me and let me know I’m still connected to the world”. The moth did , at first he just flew over my head, dive bombed me a few times. I laughed. He then fly directly in front of my face and was about to land on me. I squealed and laughed and swatted it. It flew away and hit the ground and stayed there. I felt bad , the game was over and I killed the moth. I mopped around for a bit then went over to touch the moth to see if it was still alive , it was, just not very happy for being swatted. I must have just stunned it because its not here this morning.

  34.  #34JNB on June 1, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    Oh my gosh, DARIA! What you said totally makes me understand why I feel so angry when I’m with a man who complains… which is much more upsetting to me than when I’m with a girlfriend who complains… and now, thanks to you, I know why I feel that way. THANK YOU!!! It has everything to do with “Why can’t you just be happy to be in this moment with me? Aren’t I enough?”

    And thank you, Rori, for showing me a different way to deal with unpleasant situations like the one you described. What a valuable piece of advice!!

    It makes me wonder if I handled my conflict with my BF correctly this weekend. Friday we went to a party at his boss’ house, where there was a girl there who my BF had had an “encounter” with three years ago (this girl is not someone I find appealing… I’d heard rumors… shouldn’t really matter, I guess. She can disrespect herself if she wants). Anyway, BF introduced me to everyone at the party as his girlfriend, showed off the ring he bought me (a promise ring he gave me for my birthday as I feel it’s too soon to be engaged), only he didn’t introduce me to HER. After awhile, I pick up who she is because my BF lives in a small town, and I’d heard about this woman from my girlfriend who also lives there (the woman is one of my girlfriend’s friend’s ex-wife… confused yet? LOL). Then, BF’s boss, who is trying to sleep with the woman in question, makes comment to her that he’d like to get into her bedroom… that apparently she lets in everyone else (yeah, this was very uncomfortable to witness) and then he motions to MY BF! Luckily the woman commented that that was a long time ago and that she’s pickier now (Yes, that was a jab at me, I’m sure…like I’d gotten her leftovers…Grrrrr). I chose not to react/speak at that moment, but on the ride home, I told BF that I felt awkward not having been introduced to that woman, and that somehow I felt jealous that he’d been with her. He reinforced that it was a long time ago and apologized for not having introduced me to her, that he too felt awkward when it came to introducing her to me and apologized again for how his boss put us in an uncomfortable situation. The conversation turned to something else.

    Later, when we got to his house, we lied in bed, him expecting sex, and I felt in the mood too, only I still felt angry about that woman, that he’d been with her. I had a hard time looking him in the eye, and it’s his habit that when I can’t meet his gaze, he knows something’s wrong and he keeps staring, smiling at me until I react to him. This night, I had to physically roll over to turn away from him. I was that bothered by looking at him… didn’t want him to see I was ashamed of my feelings, I guess. BF chuckled, softly brushed my arm, asked me if I was still upset. I told him I knew he didn’t do anything wrong with that woman, I just felt jealous still, that I must’ve felt this way because I love him so much, that I didn’t know why I couldn’t just let it go. And after explaining that to him, the feelings subsided and I was able to look him in the eyes, see his smile, and everything felt alright after that. The rest of the weekend was wonderful.

    On one hand I’m proud of myself for having been vulnerable with him and for not holding the anger in. I was surprised BF didn’t get upset with me for my irrational feelings. My ex-husband would’ve turned it into an argument, I’m sure, saying he had to deal with the fact I’d slept with other men before him. I’m so happy that part of my life is over.

    On the other hand, I hope the jealous feelings don’t come back everytime I see this girl… or any other girl my BF has been with. When he split from his ex-wife, he sowed some wild oats (he’d been married for 12 years, since he was 20 years old, never slept around before her) and in a small town these girls are everywhere, probably. I’m sure this won’t be the last time I’m in this position. I hope he continues to be patient. Maybe I’ll feel strong enough to find these women amusing and laugh it off. Feels yucky, not having confidence in myself with this type of situation. I know I don’t want to give these women my energy, just be open and happy with myself. Seems so hard sometimes.

  35.  #35Tina on June 1, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    My mornings start around 3pm. I work nights. The moth reminds me of my relationship. I could kill it meaning I could unleash all my ugliness on him, destroying whatever relationship could have been, with all my fears . A moth is not on my list of dangerous things lol. I could set it free , meaning put it outside and set it free. I could have let it land on me and hold on and feel the fear and squeemish feelings I felt while laughing. One of the etools talks about freedom. He’ll still come around, I know this. I feel annoyed. I told him not to call me this week. I dont want to feel like I am pressuring him in any way. He said to me before, he said to me in an indirect way about me being on my “high horse” I kinda like the view up here. He also mentioned being “uppity”. What a compliment lol love it. I feel like a Goddess on my high horse, afraid of moths lol. My self esteem has come under attack and I need to defend my honor, ( I’ll do that in my shell” )

  36.  #36Linda on June 1, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    Every person we meet is an opportunity. I have always tried my best to stay quiet and listen. If I were in a situation like this post I would be still. Wouldnt say a word. THe thing is my body language would probably show what I am thinking. I am working on paying attention to my body, cause I am a stuffer. I like to think it is wisdom… sometimes it is, but other times it is just stuffing. When someone says something…I get tense or have this wave of fear run over me… for example I was talking to a guy I was circular daiting (was is the operative word here). He came on really nice.. strong forward warm energy toward me. But really too much too fast.. I was sceptical of him but continued to see and talk to him. We had a few great dates.. and he was always positive and jovial… but this one day… he became like a drama queen (I mean queen too)… He told me about his dad and some test he had to have and I did not fully understand it all… he got defensive with me, accusing me of not being caring… and I had this wave of fear feeling sweep over me. I have had this feeling come so many times in my life. I dont know what to make of it. But my first reaction to it is to shut down and flee. I tried later that evening to talk about it more and he did not like anything I said to him… so I said…”you know I feel badly for you right now and this situation with your dad, the unknown can be scarey. I am also aware that I really dont know what to say, and what I have said isnt ‘right” so.. I will leave you to deal with what you need to on this. “…. He wanted to accuse me more and threw in that I was acting mad. I said no I am not mad at all… dont assume that I am. …. it was like a was talking to a drama queen. THis guy IS NOT FOR ME! yuck.

    I want to learn more about why I respond to things with the wave of fear and flee mode . It is interesting to me and something I need to understand, learn from and deal with.

    People who attack or lash out at others or are rude I see as insecure. Equally those who stuff might be insecure too. Responding to things instead of reacting is best and I have said over and over that I wish to do that in life. I have things to work on still.. triggering is good if you look at it for what it is and get to the bottom of them.

  37.  #37Tina on June 1, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    For me , the comment “why is it so crowded in here’ depends on his voice tone. If i was dismissed while giving an answer, I would feel horrible, just like most of us would. Depending on my degree of embarressment , my impulse would be to get up and leave saying “I feel sick” The hand waving and eyerolling would be the clencher for me. I could just stuff down my feelings along with my food. Public humiliation in front of friends just would piss me the hell off. I would take it as a challenge, get angry as hell with the feeling of power like I could destroy the planet lol. ok How do I reign in my feelings of distruction lol. ?. by smiling and saying OH! whilst tilting my head to the left lol . Im crazy now , Ill be fine thanks Rori

  38.  #38Tina on June 1, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    I would further say (later on) providing I havnt destroyed the planet. I dont like the feeling of being dismissed by you. If a huge agrument insued I would yell at him F@#& You ! your dismissed!.

  39.  #39Tina on June 1, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    I know that is just exacting revenge. I would still be feel hurt.

  40.  #40Jody on June 1, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    I am still pretty new to this blog, but yet I feel so welcome, and in great company. Thank you… It’s been four days since I’ve heard from K, and no I haven’t tried to contact him. I have gone on 2 wonderful dates with 2 wonderful men. I did have to catch myself numerous times thinking of him. I know I should feel a little more powerful, but I don’t. I forced myself to go on these dates, and yet they were very nice men, the spark, the intense passion just wasn’t there. The kind of passion that gives you butterflies, and makes you smile when you think of them. I feel so rejected still, K. came on so strong, and gave me so much attention, and now he doesn’t even think of me. He doesn’t care that I’m dating, he doesn’t care that someone else maybe touching me. He just doesn’t care. I’m hurting so bad that it feels physical. Part of me wishes I would have never put myself in this situation, the other part is grateful for taking a chance to love. I’m struggling to turn the cornor, yet I think I’m still holding to what was, and what I dreamed it could have been.

  41.  #41Tina on June 1, 2009 at 10:49 pm

    I’m feeling more balanced. He never called me to thank me for the rock, I did walk out and come home. I’m not feeling so urgent to call him. I dont call him anyway so this comes naturally to me. I want to give him the “freedom speech” I just dont have the guts to do it. I have done some writing about what I want in my life as far as love goes. Tonight I picked up the phone, I started to cry and put it back down. The funny thing is when we first met I vaguely remember it. What I do remember was the feeling of being drained, thats why when he talked to my sister I walked off, I couldnt stand it any longer. He remembers it in a totally different way. He said he watched me and followed me around at a public event until he saw my sister he knew her and her boyfriend so took the opprontunity to get closer to me. Three months later we met again. We went out for coffee and it was pretty boring most times. I would have to ask him questions and such. blah we watched movies for about 2 weeks finally I had to ask him what he wanted from me. He said nothing “heavy” I said what does that mean, he said ” I dont know, I dont know what Im saying nevermind” . We talked briefly about sex, where I was at with it. I asked him if he was attracted to me in that way. I told him that I did not have any type of sexual relationship for 9 months and was feeling vulnerable about it. I said I would take the chance and go from there. Now here I am 19 months later an emotional wreck and not much to show for it. blah

  42.  #42Flipper on June 2, 2009 at 2:54 am

    Tina – I can so relate to what you say. I’m Libra, too, and think we try too hard to make things balance out, to be ‘fair’ – to ‘accept’ what is given (dumped on) us, or NOT given to us, and just try to be happy giving back the same (or slightly better to ‘show a good example’ ). And we are not happy with that at all – it takes no account of what WE really want and need, it’s only about others and what Seems to be. (“They” must know, or know better, so I’ll just go along with “them” – does that feel familiar?)

    It sounds like you and I need to seriously get standards and boundaries, and that means Finding Out What WE WANT first. I’m sure this notion will mystify many, but some of us have barely a clue, or if we do, immediately dismiss pinning it down, run away from knowing it out of fear of disappointment or being pretentious, don’t even allow ourselves to dream about anything specific, especially specifically wonderful.

    One of the things that triggered me was not being greeted, acknowledged even in your own home. People (particularly the LI) just come and go – this is how it was in my marriage. And we feel as if even our basic humanness is not recognized, much less the value of our love and womanness. It’s very soul-killing, and I guess it starts with us and yet it is NOT our fault.

    Your just leaving your rock gift on the table also triggered me. This felt like the mirror things that I do/did when the attitude and behavior are so inacceptably inexistent it’s as if there’s nothing to respond to (how can I react to Nothing without it looking like over-reacting?) My husband would occasionally leave ‘gifts’ just lying around. I would feel terrible if and when I noticed them, guilty for not realizing and icky for being put in this position – nothing was said, no body language: was this even for me? a gift? just a good deal, nothing special? for his mother? However I finally acknowledged it never seemed to be the ‘right’ response – a fuss was too much, simple thanks not enough, a ‘lesson’ about how to offer, of course, unwanted/unheard, and sharing my feelings neither (probably said in a too ‘you’ format, but I’m sure I got it right once or twice – to no avail).

    I feel, Tina, if we don’t want this unacknowledgement, or this sort of ‘nothing heavy’ relationship, we have to refuse them, and gather up the energy drained away by so much toleration and understanding to explore and cherish what it is we do want. And allow ourselves to feel and learn to act like the goddesses we are.

    I know, letting in the self awareness we need is not second nature. One thing that’s helping me a lot, when as usual I can’t come up with the feeling word, is trying to elucidate the feelings in my body, like Daria does, even if they don’t seem relevant (toe hurts cuz I stubbed it, not cuz I’m feeling dejected (or is it?)). Recently I even just said that when faced with this same kind of objectionable non-behavior from someone: ‘My throat is all tightened up – I can’t talk’ I looked at him a few seconds, he didn’t insist for his answer and backed off, but when he did not apologize or make any other acknowledgement, I turned away and continued my activity. But I noticed in the following days that I was getting treated more normally and decently.

    (Thanks, Daria, for sharing all the feelings you can pinpoint in your body -it really helps me with my own feeling searches.)

  43.  #43Linda G on June 2, 2009 at 3:47 am

    For me, I think we need to listen to ourselves when we first meet these guys. If they start off making us feel drained, we should take a good hard look at that and not try to overcompensate.
    I am about to go on a second date with a guy who makes me feel just so. he is certainly not distant, but feminine energy in nature and feels like he will be alot of work.
    I have been reading Mama Gena and in one chapter she speaks to women, like me in this instance, who dismiss guys too soon because they are not exactly what we want instead of just enjoying the moment for now. I am queen of the first date. So I am trying to give this guy a chance, but deep down I know he triggers me in so many ways. I am going out with him to find out why.

  44.  #44Tracy on June 2, 2009 at 9:24 am

    Ladies i need help on this one…
    There is this guy i am attracted to and today i saw him and i complimented him on his dressing…I later realized that i got so triggered immediately the words came out…I mean, i have complimented other guyz before so why did i feel different when i said it to him.He did look nice,and i noticed and this time round i decided to say it….
    I don’t know why but looking back when i am attracted to a guy i find it hard to compliment them,or rather say nice things to them instead i am always defensive…I don’t speak honestly especially when i notice something good about them….I feel that i should be able to speak honestly whether i receive a feedback or not…if its honest then there should not be any expectations attached to it right?……

  45.  #45Rori Raye on June 2, 2009 at 9:40 am

    Jody, Welcome and GOOD FOR YOU! You are doing great. Of course it’s not going to be brilliant right this minute – but you are taking BABY-STEPS – and that’s ALL that counts right now. Just keep catching yourself – as you’re doing – and practicing Circular Dating – all of it – with the Conversation Circles and Feeling Messages and “Diva-ness.” Just consider him an amazing messenger who just delivered you one of the hugest lessons ever – and your job now is to learn what there was to learn from that experience and USE it to have a magnificent love life. Love, Rori

  46.  #46Mercedes on June 2, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Tracy: I think it’s cool that you were able to compliment him. I can’t help with why it feels different this time, but it sounds like a great step to me. You have trouble doing this with guys you are attracted to, yet, you were able to do it with this guy. You’re right, if it’s honest, there are no expectations associated with it, so…maybe you should focus on that. You saw something attractive (the way he was dressed), you mentioned it and you probably made him feel really good. That alone should be enough to make you smile. 🙂

    Much Love,

  47.  #47Tina on June 2, 2009 at 4:43 pm


    I know the feeling of just going along. I feel drained and annoyed. This feeling is my base feelings right now. Im laughing at myself right now. I feel as though someone is taking something away from me that I didnt know I had, nothing tangeable, a feeling?. I dont know.

    Im so pissed off right now, I want to blow up the fk’n planet. nothing really has been taken from me, just distractions. I’m distracting my feelings. ugh this makes no sense now. lol. Im feeling drained and annoyed in my jaws. I’m in the addictions field and have no idea what I want lol dang!. lol. I want to feel fearless love. I want to feel fearless love and if you fk with me (I trust to much) step off my planet or I’ll blow it up, i do this quite good actually. I’m tired of making new planets lol. I want to blow up my tomato plants lol kill my tomatoes lol yeah ok. This sucks!.

    Well, Im off to look for some wild rose bushes to plant around my house. I hate my feelings of hate and rage, my self destruct feeling is found, I can feel it in my brain , in my thinking, so precise, so accurate, down my arms , yet peaceful all at once. My feelings of fury oh it feels so good, releasing my all my fury would feel so good to me right now. I can taste it in my mouth, I make the sound of a snake tssssssssssss, the eyes of a snake yum. to go before the night falls, I cant see it the dark lol.

  48.  #48Flipper on June 2, 2009 at 5:32 pm

    Wow Tina – I feel so glad you have such a handle on your anger, that you even enjoy it! Now, baby step by baby step, let’s try to get it marshalled against what’s Hurting You, and stop turning it against yourself. Feeling all the terrible ickiness of fury is one thing, reveling in self-destruction quite another! Cuz you’re absolutely right – something is being taken away from you, whether you know what it is or not. It’s part of you, it’s yours and it hurts when it’s gone, so the anger is there to help you hang onto it, not beat yourself (or the planet) up.

    And I feel you’re right again – it’s about your feelings. But where I disagree, it that they’re NOT NOTHING. They’re not even intangible because you can and do feel them, emotionally, spiritually, psychically AND physically – they exist and you cannot exist without them. I’m sure you feel that when someone denigrates or hits someone they are abusing them. As Rori reminded us in a recent eletter, Neglect is also Abuse. Like a sin of omission – just because it may Appear that ‘nothing’ is happening when we are ignored or neglected, doesn’t mean that that indifference or negligence doesn’t have devastating effects on us.

    I feel you’ll be on your way to your ‘fearless love’ if you can learn to have your anger help you instead of letting it run the show. Probably you’re already one step ahead because you already know and admit that angry side of you, when fear often covers up the anger people don’t want to feel. Look through Rori’s old posts on anger to help you. Also, have you done the tools in the Power and Self Esteem section? They really guide us towards learning what we want and what we don’t want (and won’t accept).

    I hope you find your wild roses, and soon a loving, caring man to share them with.

  49.  #49Tracy on June 2, 2009 at 10:55 pm

    Thanks for the explanation…..It does feel good to compliment someone without having expectations tagged on it.I feel i should experiment more on this,noticing the good things about everyone and expressing them with a smile and feeling good about it….
    You are so right about doing it for myself,i completely missed that point…..

  50.  #50DocK on June 3, 2009 at 8:42 am

    Tracy – I agree – it makes me feel good to give compliments – maybe it IS leaning forward to give men compliments but I enjoy it SO much – I give compliments every day, to men and women. They are always about something true and sincere. I feel like when I “see” good in others it helps me to “see” good in myself. It feels so much more fun to me than looking at people and judging them the way our culture does so much (people own mirrors for goodness sakes – who cares?) Enjoy yourself ; – )

  51.  #51Daria on June 3, 2009 at 10:20 am

    I don’t think it’s leaning forward to compliment (according to Rori). I think she says its part of appreciating… ie… I love your eyes, I like your hat.

    She even tells us to do it in the online dating.

    It would only be leaning forward if we wanted to be complimented and instead thought up a compliment… a sponatenous one is just an expression.

  52.  #52DocK on June 3, 2009 at 10:47 am

    Great explanation, Daria!

    (I feel happy that you felt good about the interview) : )

  53.  #53Callista on June 3, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    Hello ladies,
    What do you do with a guy who uses feeling messages *all the time*? I swear, it’s like he’s learned the script exactly word for word from Rori. “I feel (insert feeling here). What do you think?” It’s kind of funny. Anyway, this has caused us problems because he’s a sensitive guy who wants me to take care of his feelings all the time! So, how do you respond to a guy who is so in touch with his feelings and uses feeling messages? It’s tough and draining to be the strong one (carry the masculine energy in the relationship). I’m a girl! I want to be a girl! How do you “out-girl” him?

  54.  #54Tina on June 3, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    I went for a walk to look for rose bushes last night, instead of finding a rose bush a thought came to me. Call my “boyfriends” ex and ask her if there is anything she needed to tell me. I have run into her before and have this horrible feeling of fear when we cross paths. She has asked me to watch her sweater along with her child’s sweater while I was working. A few days ago she came up on my porch to discuss something with him.

    I calmed down and dialed her number. I said to her , if she would like to talk, sure she said. I said to her ‘I feel my intuition is saying that you need to speak to me about something. She said no that there was nothing she wanted to say to me and that the only reason she came up on my porch was to discuss picking up their daughter, which we were in the process of doing. She said to me that she is a pretty laid back person and did whatever she needed to do at that time. I said oh OK. I said to her I feel uncomfortable during this interactions because we never really “formally” met. I felt uncomfortable about her asking me to hold her sweater for her while she enjoyed the event, that I was working at. I make bags with designs on them anyway. She said she meant nothing by it. I explained to her I feel my boundaries where being violated and I was also working selling my stuff. I told her as well that I feel uncomfortable because I was only “dating” my boyfriend – her ex. We have never discussed anything long term although we do spend a lot of time together, I said to her it makes everyone uncomfortable, apparently not her lol. She was actually very pleasant. She did ask me if I had experienced any of his “mood swings” I said no I didn’t know he had mood swings. Very monotone guy and doesn’t get excited about anything , not even his gift lol. I didn’t tell her that but I chuckled later. I feel I had to get that out there to her, don’t know why, just felt it. I said to her further , I was not trying to offend her by bringing this up , just that I needed to do it for myself. She no longer scares the crap out of me. I can feel my energy coming back stronger than before.

    On my journey to find rose bushes, I found rocks, big rocks I can use for stepping stones down a hill in my yard. I have paint and will paint the rocks that I found with spray paint I bought for an old iron head board I’m using to decorate my wild rose bushes. I plan to take photos of it when it is in full bloom. I found more rose bushes in a ditch not far from my home, I’ll pick them up later.

    In the meantime, I feel I have to tell my boyfriend where I stand on our relationship. Neglect is a feeling I feel wow, never knew that I had that feeling. I feel it more of a sadness but when I allow myself to feel neglect, I get angry and strengthen my boundaries, this feels pretty good. When I allow my anger to surface and use it as a guide to follow my feelings , I bring peace to myself. Like Flipper said Dont let it run you. I like the feeling of being upfront about my feelings. I find myself having to be upfront in this relationship more times than I would like to feel. It feels like way to much work for me. I feel my feelings of neglect and sadness, anger, furious rage, this time with purpose. He will show up again, this I know for whatever reasons. I felt sad thinking about how he never responded, I cried, this time lasting only a few seconds. Im going to work tonight (rehab) to be of service. I love this feeling!.

  55.  #55Tina on June 3, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    I am slowing coming to the realization, his life is not my journey NOT MY JOURNEY!. I feel as I am part of his ride through the journey of life, not my life. I have to stay on course with my life. His life became my journey, I dont like this feeling of fullfilling someone elses dream “for now”. No No No, I have to find the strength inside of myself to continue on my life path and not be distracted, momentarily (18 months) to be exact. I struggled with my journey and the feeling of being drained was my intuition telling me I was off my path.

  56.  #56JNB on June 3, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    Wow, Tina! You must be so brave to call your boyfriend’s ex. I applaud your strength. I too feel a wave of fear when I cross path with my boyfriend’s ex. I have tried and tried to befriend her because of their children, but her reactions to me swing back and forth so wildly they give me whiplash. I’ve tried just not giving her my energy and being open and happy within myself when she is around, which I believe was Rori’s advice in a different blog, but I feel worried my boyfriend’s kids confuse my not talking to her as my non-acceptance of her. They speak of her often to me, asking me if I’ve met her, when we’ve all been in the same places dozens of times. She has only spoken to me once, which I initiated, and then we had a very pleasant conversation. I really thought she liked me and everything was going to be okay. WRONG. The next and subsequent times I saw her, she purposefully glared at me, giving me dirty looks. One of the times, we were at one of the children’s sport events that my boyfriend coaches, and I was sitting alone on the sidelines. The ex-wife and her sister sat behind me in the bleachers, speaking very loudly, saying derogatory things about my boyfriend for me to hear. I put on my MP3 player to drown them out. But ever since then I’ve steered clear of her. I wish I had the courage to call her up, not to argue with her, just to explain that I want to be something good in her children’s lives, that I think they’re great kids, and that I respect the fact that she is their mother, that I’d never do anything to take away from their relationship with her. But… she scares the crap out of me. I’ve never been around such hostile female energy in my life. She just RADIATES fumes of anger. I worry that I will never get anywhere with her, that we will always have this anomosity between us. I hate it. I’m one of those people that wants everyone to like them. I wish I didn’t give a damn.

    Whew. It feels good to get that out, for someone to hear/read it. I don’t talk to my boyfriend about his ex unless I absolutely have to. He’s told me he’ll intervene if anything gets out of hand with her, but other than that to for me to ignore her. I had hoped that her and I could be friendly at the kids’ games, maybe even sit by each other, but that doesn’t seem likely. I was friends with my ex-husband’s ex-wife, but I guess this one is determined to hate me. I feel worried this will hurt my boyfriend’s kids.

  57.  #57Tina on June 3, 2009 at 4:42 pm


    It’s your life path and purpose, not hers , not his YOURS. Draining your energy all for what?. I just did what I felt intuitively what I had to say about my feelings to her. In a non confrontational way. I did also tell her that I respect the love he has for her as the mother of his child. What I want in my life is “another kind of love” good luck

  58.  #58JNB on June 3, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    That’s very good advice, Tina. Thank you. This should be about what I want for myself. Thank you for helping me understand that.

  59.  #59Tina on June 3, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    I feel that being “friends” with his ex is unhealthy. That is not my intention here. I cannot control her , his actions , only mine. Going through a relationship feeling second best/best is not what I want. I know now, why I hung on to him, waiting, Whating for what?. for him to validate my feelings, approval?. My feelings of neglect/sadness is and indication that something has gone terribly wronge lol, and that works for me. who knows. I just choose to no longer live that way. This is all new to me lol fresh out. Its there I feel in in the pit of my stomach. as Im typing I feel my feelings, it feels like fear. It’s a disguise for my feelings of sadness and neglect. I have a rushing feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is still there I know, right now Im working on my feelings of courage to talk/tell him that the relationship is coming to an end. An end to feelings of suspention, that rush/pining away, a disguise for feeling my feelings of neglect and sadness. My boundries are very important to me. My life purpose, my path.

  60.  #60JNB on June 3, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    I start to wonder now, thinking about what you’ve said, how strong women really do need to be in relationships. Each time we chose to leave or stand up for ourselves, we must be going against a life/death instinct. In the beginings of man on earth, a woman would die without a man partner. She needed him to feed and protect her. I wonder if this is the fear that cries out in us when we part ways from a lover. I know that each time a relationship has ended for me, I’ve felt a death inside me, a fear so strong it felt like dying. Rationally we all know we can move on and be just fine without a man in this day and age. Yet this instinctual fear must be why we experience such pain, I think. You are so very brave, Tina. I know you will be fine. Your love and respect for yourself tells me you have good things in store for you.

  61.  #61Tina on June 3, 2009 at 9:59 pm

    My feeling sadness have changed to my feeling of annoyance. When I imagin him in my presence now, I feel annoyed. Is this what is meant by “turned off.”


    Pretending it doesnt bother you is an unfortunate game, you are playing alone. Trying to “make nice” and trying to be her “friend” is of no use. I appreciate and understand your need to “respect their special relationship” however it will get you no where by no where I mean unless you are 100 % focusing on your life, your feelings – I am also saying this to myself.

    When you give your gift of power and respect to your man, let it be known to yourself that it is also inside of you, from the bottom of your vagina, to your heart, straight up to your brain, this is true strength- for me anyway. When you speak, this is where you will be speaking from. My vagina is my honor, my heart in my feelings, my decision making my brain. Would a man dare come near?, My power, my goddess. I dance with purpose, sometimes silly, serious, stomping, sensual oh but always dancing. I feel so good right now – balanced.

    When he came into my life, I was feeling lonely and sad. I distracted myself from my feelings. I was feeling lonely and sad in my heart. I smile at my sad, lonely and neglect/void I feel compassion for myself. My first anxiety attack where I actually had to call 911 occured while I was reading something Rori wrote- lol. It was about compassion, I cant quiet remember what it read, I just knew I started breathing heavy and thought I was dying lol. I called 911 and this really attractive looking paramedic saved me lol – I looked awful that day. I saw my cardiologist, I told him I have a broken heart, he said well your almost right, he touched my chest between my ribcage and I jumped up in extreme pain. He said my prescription is to get rid of your boyfriend lol. He also gave me an atavan lol.

  62.  #62Cassandra on June 4, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    This is an AWESOME post and so are all of the posts that you guys added! I ahve been trying my best to stick to feeling messages each and every time that my BF says something that triggers me or hurts my feelings. I mostly say something like “wow…that felt awful and I don’t like to feel that way.” he is now to the point – sometimes – where he will ask me what I am talking about and sometimes even apologizes but then other times he gets mad and says something like I am so sick and tired of you getting your feelings hurt! To which…I again respond…..’wow honey..that too hurt’. It sometimes turns into a circle and then I either just try to walk away and do something else. What do you do when it turns into that cycle? That game Rori mentioned? I do try to just walk away but then my feelings are all anger, fuming and hurt and then I try to riff thru them in my head. I am finding though that the more I respond that way the more he asks me what I am talking about and then we talk about it and it ends with him apologizing which is a HUGE change from what would happen before!!

  63.  #63Tracy on June 5, 2009 at 3:37 am

    Thanks for your suggestions…I was feeling confused about my reaction and honestly since then,i do not feel so tensed around him anymore…I feel that the more i am open and honest about my feelings the easier it becomes to be around someone i find attractive.I feel less unsure of myself less tensed…It does feel different.Thanks ladies

  64.  #64Daria on June 5, 2009 at 10:35 am

    Cassandra that is a Huge Deal! This is really working for you AWESOME. I feel so happy to hear that because I know how much practice it took to get here! I too am having some success expressing myself with my toughest people (my parents). My dad will still tell me that I am too grown up to get upset over little things or something like that… I am making progress though.

    I feel so glad this is working for you. Now to work on riffing it through (in our bodies) when alone and returning to a happy state… that would feel awesome! Like for me last nite to return to a happy state after I felt triggered would have felt really triumphant…

  65.  #65Cassandra on June 5, 2009 at 11:58 am

    Daria, I think it is so awesome that youa re even using this with your family. I have done that I tiny bit but not as much as I need to. I can’t remember where you posted that you had a family talk withyour parents using the feeling messages and that your whole family is now so much closer. At the time I meant to congratulate you on that because that is really a big big deal. YAY for you Lady!!!! The pastor had mde some comments to me like the one that your dad said to you about being to o grown up to get upset over this or that although with the pastor it was more like ‘wow, I thought you had more faith than that’. Now that triggered me big time and I responded to him in this way…..”Wow…that really felt awful and I feel judged and I feel like closing down…shutting down emotionally and running.” his response was telling me that I was wrong and that he thought I was more mature than that to which I responded “again…that felt awful and I really don’t like feeling this way. I don’t want to be around anyone that I don’t feel emotionally safe around or that I feel that I can’t freely express myself and I definitely don’t want to be around anyone in my life that I feel belittled or demeaned by. I am going to have to go now…Bye.” and I hung up the phone. I was so proud of that but it did feel scary becasue I felt like I did something wrong but I am realizing that it only feels that way because it is so new. I feel excited to get to where it is second nature to speak in feeling messages and feel strong and firm in it and KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that I am doing nothing wrong but instead FINALLY showing the strength that has always been within me it just had to find its way out! That felt REALLY good to write and it felt as though as soon as I wrote those words here it was like it became more real!! This feels great! One thing that I have been doing when I feel super triggered but I can’t go and riff in my journal is liek Rori said to do by [icking out a thing to focus on and then first focus on that thing…its looks, feel, what it is etc to get my energy in a different place and then try to acknowledge what I am feeling BUT in a way I also realize that I am not totally acknowledgingwhat I WAS feeling in the moment that I was triggered. Ia m only changing my vibe for the moment and then riffing on what I feel at that moment but it is not riffing on the feelings at the exact moment of the trigger if that made any sense. I really deeply admire how you riff Daria and honestly I do try to emulate that with my own feelings and where they are in my body but I am still struggling with loving the feelings. baby steps though!! Love you Lady!!! XOXOXO

  66.  #66Tina on June 5, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    I was sitting here tonight and feeling the feelings of becoming comfortable with not calling him my “boyfriend.” He calls, I said to him oh, I see you used your rock, lol. He laughed. I went right into my feelings messages, I got through it as best I could , I said I feel insigificant, abandoned, rage, I said I feel so much rage right now , I cried a little. He said your a really “together” woman, why do you feel like that. I told him about the rock, his ex, his sister, I did the best I could (on the spot) with my feelings messages. I didnt even feel all that awful when I was finished. I started to give the “freedom” speech and I listened to what he said. I did my best to empathize with him. I said all I could say. He then asked me if I ate, I said no. He asked me if I felt like cooking, I said no but I do feel hungry, Were going out to grab something to eat. ok so I feel failure at not completing the Freedom speech. He said no that I was not the cause of his pressure, he didnt mean it that way, he was 45 and not feeling like he needs to chase women around. What! I couldnt finish my speech, I feel spineless lol

  67.  #67Robin on June 5, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    I feel inspired by you!!! I must have missed this, but what is a power speech? Where can one find that?

    Tina, it sounds like you did great! I feel so proud of you for practicing the feeling messages and not shutting down THAT’S HUGE!!!!!

    And I love love LOVE how you said No to cooking but that you felt hungry….oh I feel inspired and shaky and powerful just reading that.

  68.  #68Tracy on June 5, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    I was talking to my friend yesterday who is about to get married and what she told me was that she had this dream of how her relationship would be,how she would feel,what she wanted but had not realized it…She loves her man yes but She doesn’t feel as though she’s gotten it yet….My reply was that’s how married life is to mean that the good times only lasted for a while…..and she went on complaining about how she had to do chores wake up early and in short do all sorts of things for the man……
    I was reading rori’s post about Anger and expressing our true feelings and it hit me….
    Deep down i too is looking for the fairy tale romance and bliss but i really don’t believe it exists….hence my reply to her…I was trying to make her feel better but worse still affirming my own fears….I was running a story in my head that is not true….
    I do believe now that having the relationship that I want is possible…because it is I that can make it happen…..
    What i also realised was that like my friend i stuff all my feelings inside…..I do the extra mile,I withhold my anger…..I Looked at her and i saw myself….i felt as though i was talking to myself and then replying to myself….
    Its so easy for me to stuff my feelings and the more i do that the more i feel disconnected with everyone around me…But more still the reason i stuff these feelings is because i don’t accept them…..I am feeling angry at a guy and i refuse to accept that i am feeling angry…I am feeling scared about a situation and i refuse to accept my fear….I feel ashamed of how i feel and so i turn away and refuse to accept my reality…..I feel glad i had this talk with my pal because it really made me see what i need to improve on…I feel more encouraged to focus more on expressing my feelings but more so to accept them as they are….

  69.  #69Tina on June 5, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    Were here now back from eating. He came to her denfense or at least that is the way I felt at the time. I said do you still feel the need as a man to protect,defend and make her happy. He said I was fabricating a story in my mind, I said I feel unheard. I allowed myself to feel my body tense, I struggled with this feeling. He said your saying the same thing over and over again, you keep repeating yourself, I smiled to myself. We didtn talk more about it. I laid on my couch, he said why are you drinking coffee now, I said I feel relaxed now. He said Im going to relax on your bed , he made his way to my bed, here we go with the feminine energy thing again, while he is relaxing on my bed , I sit here typing lol. Now what?. I lost my freedom speech, I feel as though I am losing myself again. He keeps talking about his work and no he isnt abandoning me. blah, I feel at a lose now but baby steps. Good grief! I feel impatient, my jaw is tight, just now relaxing the muscles in my jaw. My arms and next are tense, just now relaxing those , trying to type at the same time. He seemed non defensive all night, just listening. So much to learn. I have so much to learn. He did the most talking on our way to the restaurant, he laughed while telling me a story about one of his work buddies, I smiled- i felt to smile. I did the talking/feeling on our way back.

  70.  #70Tina on June 5, 2009 at 10:31 pm

    I did keep my member ship to a dating site and I am going out tomorrow night to dance the night away in my new sundress – just so you know lol.

  71.  #71Linmayu on June 5, 2009 at 11:09 pm


    Daria, I love hearing about your adventures in NYC! What a fun place to be.

    Tina, I feel sad reading about what your brother did. I don’t remember the first time I heard someone say “there is no God.” But I’m pretty sure it was a boy, and I’m pretty sure he said it in order to put himself one-up on someone. All I know is that I believed him. Yeah, I elevated the words of some classroom bully to the level of gospel and then went and preached the gospel of No-God to everyone who would listen, lol. I mean, if I felt as comfortable now telling people that there is a God as I was back then telling people that there isn’t one, life would be very different.

    Somehow I find it easy to talk about these things online, but words fail me whenever I actually have to use my mouth.

    Erika, I feel inspired by how you continue to move forward in the face of all this angry energy from men. I read the comments on your blog and just wonder, how the hell does this woman go on? Doesn’t she know she’s swimming with the sharks? I run from PUA-type men; any man whose goal in relationship is to be the one who loves less and gives less is worthless to me.

    Well, I run from all men, I suppose. It’s become so easy to be this shut-down little perpetual spinster ever since I stopped dating, and I don’t like it. I FEEL shut down. And at the same time, I feel more open to following what interests ME. I’m spending all my free time sitting at home making lolita dresses and I feel peaceful and fulfilled by it…and I’m in the process of putting together another women’s weekend retreat, so by the end of the summer, I’ll be opened up again whether I like it or not, lol. I always walk out of those things feeling like the Goddess Herself…

  72.  #72Flipper on June 6, 2009 at 2:40 am

    Tina, you’re doing Great! I feel like congratulating you and feel baffled and saddened to see you fretting about ‘failure’ – that feels like a stick to throw away and never pick up again. There’s been so much stuffed down and put aside for so long, it’s only normal it can’t come out all at once, and ‘perfectly’ to boot. There is NO perfectly anyway. Look back on Cassandra’s recent posts and tremendous progress with her man that most of us, including her, have felt to be quite toxic. Like with your guy, there’s grumbling and wondering (Rori warns about this), but things ARE changing all the same. For the better, and mainly for Her as a person. For you, too.

    You wrote “I did the best I could (on the spot) with my feelings messages. I didnt even feel all that awful when I was finished.”, and Cassandra wrote something similar. That’s the whole point, isn’t it?: when the bad feelings get out there, actually said, WE FEEL BETTER. Whether there’s any tangible, immediate result or not. I feel the messages are working their magic, and you will get clearer and more honest responses in return; these will either confirm your intuitions or open the door for something further with this man.

    So give yourself a satisfied, comforting hug for allowing your bravery and determination to lead you to action and expressing yourself despite your own misgivings and the mixed reaction you met. Big, sisterly hugs of encouragement and gratitude for you, Cassandra and the others for sharing your paths.

  73.  #73Flipper on June 6, 2009 at 2:44 am

    Edit “…either confirm your intuitions (so you feel good about putting this man out and shutting the door) or open a door for something further with him.”

  74.  #74Cassandra on June 6, 2009 at 7:21 am

    Flipper….It felt really good to have something good posted about me, my progress and even the changes that I am seeing in Charles. Thank you for that and I do hope that my journey in some way shape or form can encourage or help someone else…although mine does feel like such a hard, difficult and long journey and I don’t wnat anyone else to feel the bad feelings that I feel or go thru the awful, hurtful things that I have gone thru……not ever. Your post however made me feel good…thank you for that. Tina….I am so far behind that I can’t get caught up but I feel like you are doing a great job. Every single step you take no matter how small it feels to you in moving you closer to where you you want to be. That is something that I have to remember as well so celebrate the steps that you take Lady!! You deserve it!

    Daria….I too love to hear about your NY experiences!!

    Well last night I ended up talking to Charles about how I felt on MOnday night when I overheard his conversation with his brother and what I feared did indeed come to pass and that was the entire reason that I did not tell him how I felt….how that conversation affected me back on Monday night. Sure enough he turned it around on me and blamed me for as he puts it ‘standing with my ear glued to the door.’ When he said that I lost it and began to cry as that comment was so hurtful even though I was expecting it because that is indeed how he is BUT……as I was crying and as we were talking I kept everything to feeling messages and you know what? He got up from the table – we had been having dinner and took my hand and led us over to his comfy chair and we sat down and he just held me as I cried. This whole things started last night at dinner because I had asked him Thursday night if we – HIM and I – could spend the weekend together and he said yes so I have been looking forward to that so so much. He then told me last night that tomorrow – Sunday- after church he is going to go spend the day with his cousin and another of their friends and I told him that I felt hurt and I felt abandoned again and I felt that the only reason that we ever spend time together is because I am here in his house and that it is out of ‘default’ – that I feel that he does not want to spend time with me to spend time with ME and then the rest of it from Monday night followed from there. I do feel deeply abandoned around his plans for tomorrow as he is not even home today – he is at the rigg fixing the floor of the reefer unit. I totally understand work stuff – in my head that kind of does not count against him with regard to time away from me because I know he has to fix that stuff in order to work but the plans that he made for tomorrow with the guys when I won’t even hardly see him today???? That hurts so much. I feel angry and I feel unwanted and I feel unloved and undesirable and I I do feel like I piece of trash that he just throws away at his every whim. I feel that things are all about HIM and they are and I feel pissed about that. I feel broken right now regarding that. Here is the good news though……

    Last night at dinner after talking about him making plans with the guys (I also feel that he did that to get away from me and not have to spend time with me at all.) I told him that I had heard what both he and his brother had said on Monday night and that I felt so deeply hurt, so scared, so betrayed by his brother….that I felt that he was basically saying that he was ‘riding it out’ until he could get rid of me and be free of me……I told him that I felt so broken and afraid and that I felt like I piece of trash – I did not say I AM or WAS a piece of trash to be thrown out but that I felt like that. In the beginning of the conversation he was clearly irritated and even said that he did not want to be bothered by hearing all of this – another of his usual responses that are hurtful and mean – but I responded to that by TELLING him that his response felt hurtful, selfish and that I felt that he never wants to be bothered with listening to me and that I feel that my feelings, wants and needs don’t matter to him. (I think I goofed with that part because it may have been a bit blaming but I am trying to keep the blame/ accsations out of it as much as I can – this is one place where I goofed with that.) As I was telling him how I felt about his responses to when I want to talk or need to talk he came back from the other side of the kitchen and sat back down at the table with me….of course he was grumbling the entire way BUT he did come back to sit at the table again with ME. Then as I told him I had heard the part of his conversation that I heard – I was so upset that I was crying and I told him that I felt humiliated, I felt hurt, I felt angry, I felt vulnerable, I felt insecure and shaky and extremely insecure about this relationship and his words and actions and that I felt afriad that I was going to end up on the street…..that I felt scared that his brother was going to continue to encourage him to kick me out….. He stopped me for a minute and said “Sweetheart…..what did I tell Jay??’….I let him know that I know that he did tell his brother that he is NOT going to kick me out…that I am here until I can find a good job making enough money to be comfortable. In some ways it went well in that I did stay totally in feeling messages and at the end of the conversation I ended up in his lap with him holding me as I cried and he was brushing my hair with his fingers and could not seem to hold me tight enough – That was the good part – he totally responded to the feelings messages and I feel that he was indeed genuine in his apology and in trying to make me feel better and let me know we are ok…..that we are together….that I am not moving until I have a job that pays me money to be comfortable etc. I was so aware of everything that was going on during this entire interaction and I do feel that I did very well with my feelings messages and I feel proud of that……really proud of that. He is responding to them and to me for the most part in a positive manner but there are still things that feel so hurtful like when he tells me or shows me with his body language that he just does not want to be bothered. That hurts. When that happens I feel like i want to crawl into a hole and disappear….i feel as though I don’t matter and I feel as though what I am sharing with him about how I feel does not matter to him and that feels awful – I think I may have even told him that last night and again got a positive response so that is great even though I have to endure feeling like I am such a bother to him in order to get that positive response. Did that make any sense?

    The part that was not ok is the part where he cannot have a conversation about my feelings without it being so clear that he does not want to be bothered and can’t get out of there fast enough. He just can’t handle it and so he rushes me thru what I have to say and when I cry he gets all jittery and responds with things like ‘ohhhhhhhhhh man not again’ or ”ooooh what now?’ complete with the rolling of the eyes and the huffing and puffing. HE did that several times last night and now even this morning but last night I responded to his ”ooooh what now?’ by saying “wow…..hearing your response really feels hurtful and like my feelings don’t matter and that you just don’t want to be bothered’ but then he did listen as much as he is capable. It all ended last night with me in his lap crying and telling him how I felt/ feel via feeling messages and how awful I felt when I overheard that conversation. I do feel better having told him how I feel but I did also know that he would turn it around into a ‘Bad Cassandra – you must have been standing at the door with your ear to the door’ and that pissed me off because I knew he would do that! I told him that i needed something out of the bathroom that is right there at that door and I heard my name and that part of the conversation….period. I still feel very angry about that entire conversation but I do feel better about his part in it. I asked him last night to please address this with his brother because I will NOT spend any time whatsoever around his brother until this is addressed and put to rest. HIs brother comes here for dinner alot and I have always tried to take care of him just like I do Charles when he is here without his wife….ie: making a plate of food for him, etc. I always do that for Charles becuase it makes ME feel good – it is not for him it is for ME. So I have always done the same for his brother as well if his wife is not here with him but I won’t even be speaking to Jay or even address his brother until this is resolved. I felt so hurt and degraded by his words and I want nothing to do with him. Charles told me that most of the things that they both said were probably just the Jack and Coke speaking not really them but that is BS with a capital BS!!! I don’t care if he is drinking or not….HE and JAY or both still totallly responsible for what they say whether or not they are drinking and if they say something hurtful to me while drinking – they are still responsible for it! PERIOD!

    This morning I woke up and Charles was gone and did not even wake me to tell me he was going to the truck. He ususally give me a kiss before he leaves but he did not do that this morning. He just came home a minute ago to pick up some tool and when I went to give him a hug and kiss to say good morning he fussed about being in a hurry. That also felt awful. Iam not going to see him at all today unless I bring him lunch later on and he said that we are still having our dinner together but that isonly becasue I asked him Thursday if we could spend the weekend together. He will be gone all day today and knowing that made plans with ‘the guys’ for tomorrow. I feel angry about thatand deeply hurt by it ….like I don’t matter and I feel that even when we do spend time together it is only because I live here and sort of a default thing….not becasue he wants to spend time with me. I am the only one asking for us to spend time together – he does not ask or even suggest that he and I spend time and that feels horrible! Last night though he did tell me that he does love me but his actions tell me differently.

    I am so tired of feeling like I am pain in the ass to him. I deleted my profile from that site I was on becasue those guys were creepy! The pastor has now resorted to such nasty text messages and vm’s that I have to find out how to block his number from my phone. I have asked him too in feeling messages to please leave me alone but that seemed to have pissed him off. I said to him that I was feeling very uncomfortable with some things and feel that it is best for me that I not spend anymore time with him and that I feel that it would be best for me to not have any phone conversations with him either. I am exhausted emotionally….I am spent. What is it that is so wrong with me that Charles does not want to spend any time with me whatsoever? What have I done? I hardly see him at all during the week unless he doens’t have much work. I am sorry but I am feeling pretty down right now…I feel inadequate…I feel UNbeautiful and Undesirable…I feel unwanted and unloved and I am trying so hard to work on me but I feel so so so desperately lonely. So desperately lonely. I even feel triggered by writing this post and I feel like I am sinking into that garbage can that Linmayu mentioned in that one post a few months ago. why is that people tell me all the time how sunny and bright and fun and sweet and beautiful and yeah yeah yeah…I feel sick to my stomach to hear all of that crap! I feel a deep sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and am starting to have trouble breathing since writing this post…I feel tension in pretty much every part of my body and I feel like I can’t move….kind of like that feeling of being wrapped in saran wrap all over my whole body so I am all tied up and not free to move or breathe or even be. My eyes are burning from crying and I feel so tired of FELLING! I literaslly feel tired of feeling if that makes any sense. I feel so much pressure emotionally and even in my body like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe. I am not calling Charles at all today and I am damn sure not bringing him lunch! Even if he calls me which he won’t – he can get his own damn lunch! I feel like I am not moving forward at all…I feel that I am stuck inthe same place as I was when I came here adn that feels humiliating and embarassing….like everyone is thinking what the hell is wrong with her? Why can’t she just ‘get it”! I feel like screaming right now. I also feel embarassed that my posts are always so long adn I feel bad for taking up that space… I don’t deserve it somehow.

  75.  #75Flipper on June 6, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    Cassandra – it felt so good reading you getting mad about lunch and so deciding, quite sensibly, NO lunch! As for writing too much, that looks like Nasty Voice feel-bads, cuz that’s what the blog’s for, and of course you deserve to spout off that way here. It also sounds like your fledgling local support network would come in handy right now – is there someone you can call or go see among those women you mentioned before?

    I’m also feeling stuck stuck stuck, and that makes me want to avoid the very people and things that could help. I’m wondering if there wasn’t a double roll when your saran wrap was handed out, because I’m certainly feeling in a bind, too. I’ve been getting some good insights from dreams lately, however (that’s prolly why I’m fighting the obvious to get myself unstuck), but I actually want them to keep at it. Like Daria’s and Ann’s angels, we can ask our dreams to come to our aid. When we go to bed, we can ask for dreams about a specific problem, or just for them give us their best in general. In the end, only ourselves can judge of the dream’s meaning for us, but it does help to talk about them with a sympathetic ear, especially one willing to share their thoughts (IF they can refrain from imposing their viewpoint or a set interpretation). Just writing them down, however partially, can be useful.

    Another thing I’ve been trying to remember: when thing’s are not right, it is not necessarily ME that is the cause, especially if I have no clue how that could be but somehow feel that I’m being made to feel responsible. First, I remind myself that I don’t actually Know what the other is thinking, and that it’s just as likely my own NV’s that are ‘making’ me feel solely responsible as my supposed ‘accuser’. And second, especially if he has been actually saying or implying that it’s my fault/problem, I remind myself that that’s just what so many people (particularly men?) do when they feel ‘wrong’ (bad, inadequat, disapproved) within themselves – they deflect it onto someone else. Like you, I Still come up with or wonder about a million things that I did or did not do or should have or might have done, but at least I can start to feel that the responsibility is shared, and that some things just happen with no one really choosing or causing it.

    Tina – I hope you had a blast dancing away. I plan to try ‘baby’ dances tomorrow night if my foot will cooperate (and if not, I’ll sit on the sidelines and flirt anyway). Cassandra, will you join us?

  76.  #76Cassandra on June 6, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    Flipper….thank you Love for your post and encouragement…..I feel bad that that doggone sran wrap has you in its hold too though! I did not bring Charles lunch and I feel good about the fact that I didn’t and guess what else? He did ask me to come down to the truck for a second becasue he needed some gloves so I did adn I felt fine about that because he is working in the truck which pays the bills so that was fine but I did not realize that his brother and another truck driver friend of ours was there. They were standing about 30 feet away from the rigg talking and in the past I would have walked over there to greet them both and I ususally do give his brother a hug when i see him…..that is the way I am …..i always give his wife a hug, then him and then the baby when they come over here but given what transpired on Monday night – given what his brother said and did – I parked right next to the rigg and Charles pulled me up into the back part where freight is put and I said NOTHING to his brother….NOTHING at all and I did not even wave at him or say hello as I usually do….I did not even greet him in any way shape or form and I told Charles once I was up in the truck that I won’t be speaking to his brother until He (meaning Charles) talks to him and until his brother apologizes or in some way tries to make things right again. I have been there for him and his wife and they have done nothing but stab me in the back. I felt so empowered by not even saying hello to him but just getting up into the truck and being with Charles and then guess what Charles did IN FRONT OF BOTH HIS BROTHER AND THE FRIEND? When pulled me up into the rigg he gave me a huge kiss and hug and kept his arms around me while he was showing me what he had been working on all day. To me that was a HUGE HUGE deal and it felt so good…..I did feel loved in that moment and I feel thankful for that. His brother left shortly after i got there and then the friend came up into the rigg to help Charles with fixing the floor of the rigg. Before I left to come back home and get some of my own stuff done….he also gave me a huge kiss and hug in front of the friend and again that felt wonderful to me. Even the friend commented on the fact that that is how it SHOULD BE! that felt wonderful that Charles did that.

    I feel sad that you feel stuck Flipper because I know how awful it can feel. I loved reading about the dreams though and how you ask for them to come to your aid. When you do that before going to sleep do you get the answers or clarity that you are seeking? I would love to try that and am going to do that tonight when I go to bed. As far as being the cause of something not being right I usually do take responsibility for it even if I know that I had nothing to do with it being not right. I have always done that and I can even pin point where it comes from in my life. You are so right though about men not being able to accept responsibility for their own feelings, actions, whaterever it is that created something not being right. I know taht Charles blamed me for hearing what they said the other night because he was not capable of taking responsibility for it and then he tried to blame it on the Jack and Coke as if the Jack and Coke came up with the words. They both drink enough to know exactly what they were saying in those moments and what they said was deeply deeply hurtful.

    As far as the dancing….if you both were here of even somewhere close I would plan a night of dancing for us….that would be so fun. Count me in!! Love to all!!


  77.  #77Tina on June 6, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    I said to him last night -while in bed in total darkess, “I feel like a worthless whore.” I cried blah, snots ( a lot)and tears running all over my hair and face. I said to him, I dont remember the exact words I used. I was crying the whole time, he said “stop saying that.” I said , ” I cant , this is how I feel.” I was doing my best to continue my “speech.” I did say at one point ” I feel turned off” He said “do I turn you off?.” I said ” I just feel turned off”. I cried/talked about my like journey/path , my feelings of having fun this summer and traveling on weekends to do work related stuff, that I was keeping my options open for love. I said to him ” I feel your need for freedom, I want to be loved and give love in a big way, I feel sad, unwanted and worthless. A worthless whore, I laughed out loud. He pulled the blanket over his head, I said “what are you doing?” he said “I”m trying to respect your boundries.” I said oh. I said to him ” I need you to comfort me right now!. I breathed , while he held me, I visualized my incident with the moth, I remember telling the moth to come to me, to connect with me, What did I do , I swatted the poor moth, stunning it leaving it to die or did it fly away eventually, not sure lol. I relaxed letting him hold me. He started to kiss my face blah, snots and stuck every where Icky. I said “i feel like a mess” He said it was ok. He was extremely turned on, hm. I went with it, still I was feeling a slightly whorish/worthless , I stayed with my feelings around the moth visualizing letting it/him land on my body and feeling my feelings, I did smile at some point. Lots of thoughts entered my mind, lots of feelings some not so good. We made love/sex three times or was it just the once?. Was it just my telling me three times?. The experiance is once, the times not so important – I dont know. I remember feeling like an egg, he was sperm as he entered my body/vagina – to much information lol. I cradled him like a baby when it was all over and said. This morning (we didnt sleep) he said call me later, im going home right now to finish doing/writting something, I cant remember, I said no, you call me when your ready.

    He didnt call me later, he came over instead, for the first time in this relationship , He came over and walked right up to me and touched me , he placed his hand on my shoulder, I reached out and touched his hand. He talked about his job/my work, my tomatoes, my feelings. I said I needed to go to the store, he said what do you need, i”ll get it for you. He came back with what I needed and I said thank you my prince, I smiled and walked back in the house. I left out a lot of stuff that happened during our exchange, Like Cassandra I feel embarrassed for taking up so much space lol. Big space.

  78.  #78alias girl on June 6, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    cassandra. i feel confused. i would feel scared to use feeling messages with my boyfriend’s brother in a conflict or to express my pain and disappointment but i might feel more empowered than asking my boyfriend to draw my boundaries for me.

    flipper and everybody i feel so uplifted to be following along (stalking the siren island blog) and reading of everyone’s progress.

    i feel so deeply deeply saddened by katya’s loss. my heart goes out to you. may your faith and love carry you through.

    i feel conflicted in my feelings about writing on this blog and opening myself up. i feel angry that i can not figure out how to get my needs/desires met in this world and that anger carries over into this blog which is a microcosm of life and human dynamics. i feel disgusted. i feel amused at my disgust. i feel disgusted with all humans when it comes to me feel safe or forming intimacy with Anyone. Anywhere.

    i feel amused that my words read so angry. i feel so much anger in my being but like rori says about men sometimes mine is just below the surface. i am still working with emily van horn and we are making fabulous progress with my rage and grief and trauma. 🙂

    i feel conflicted. i also feel an amazing amount of gratitude and empathy for all the women who share their feelings and experiences. i have a feeling right now almost on the verge of love. i feel amused and disgusted. and amused.

    i have so much better cleaner more Energy from working with emily. much less instances of freezing and being overwhelmed and completely shutting down.

    i feel very grateful. the rori raye/emily van horn/siren island triple dose is helping me immensely to transform into a goddess.

  79.  #79Tina on June 6, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    I feel as though all this experience is “not real” is this a fabrication of my imagination?. he did say that. Doubt, I feel doubt. I’m going to have a shower wash my hair from all the tears and snots lol. OH this happened for sure lol. Shower first, feel my gratitude rock and look for that luna moth with a broken wing , I let it in last night and its hanging out some where. such a pretty pastel green color ,outlined with brownish/black prints on her wings, him/her I dont know , its wing is broken none the less.

  80.  #80Tina on June 6, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    I found her after washing my hair. I did it again last night, I talked to the moth lol. I thought to her , I said stop struggling and fly, can you fly with a broken wing?. She walked around in circles, I could feel her energy, sad I felt sad for her, It would be a mircle if she could fly right now.She did she walked around in circles then took off. she hide behind a wall close to a light, she actually fly around the light a few times before she landed on the wall. She is still there, Im not sure what to do with her, I’ll let her be for now. How does a luna moth fly with a broken wing?. like broken right off, like something chewed it off black around the area that it detached from her body. amazing or not?.

  81.  #81Tina on June 6, 2009 at 5:16 pm

    I am grateful for the feeling I have to feel my gratitude rock and warm it up. The sensation of rubbing the rock feeling it warm up between my palms. Im grateful for the swirly designs ” I can see” the color purple with my name painted on it and gratitude on the other side of my flat stone.

  82.  #82Tina on June 6, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    I love the movie “The color purple’ by the way. Its my all time fav tear jerker. I love the ending, I see the colors of their clothing, the reaching out, when she said Mama I cried to hard.

  83.  #83Tina on June 6, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    I am grateful for the girl in “treatment” who made me my rock. I will cherish it for the rest of my life.

  84.  #84Tina on June 6, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    The moon is big and orange and full tonight, look out your windows, I can see it through the trees. Wow

  85.  #85Tina on June 6, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    The winds came, I feel anxious fear. How come I said I could destroy the planet. The earth lol. I feel a tremendous amount of respect, respect out of fear?. I dont know. It’s raining now.

  86.  #86Ann on June 6, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    Tina I love hearing about your moth. It feels so inspiring.

    Alias Girl HELLO I’ve missed reading your post. It felt good to see you’re still around.

  87.  #87Daria on June 6, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    Alias girl Is back!!!!


    I feel teary!!!!

    wooo hooo celebration!!!!


  88.  #88Daria on June 6, 2009 at 9:00 pm

    Cassandra I feel amazed at your boundaries and progress.

    btw… asking or reaching out for a kiss and a hug frequently feels kind of lean forward to me. It would feel good to let him come to me…

    it seems that Charles is kind of transforming along with you… maybe he is just now realizing what he has… because you are starting to also… nice…

    Also asking him (esp repeatedly) to spend time with you sounds VERY lean foward to me.. he should be asking you! Maybe you can forget about him and “do you” all the time, until He’s asking for your attention… by that time I would feel strong (because I would ‘cure’ my need to have him around to feel good now…) and warm (because he’ll be wanting to spend time with me)…
    what do you think about this?

    i noticed that if i share good feelings all the time… I have a habit of saying I feel good … with a big smile and eye contact and no explanation… and random feelings… like happy… warm… nice.. um these are just things I blurt out… also irritated, I feel angry! i blurt that out when I’m feeling angry and starting to get into that tension and thought loop feeling… or… i feel weird… hehe… anyways I feel lost … hehe… i feel lost from what I wanted to say… which is that it seems guys are more responsive to my negative feelings when they’re used to me saying i feel good etc.. then they’re like trying to scramble to get me back to feeling good when i don’t (actually most of the time I just feel the feeling in my body, take some steps back or turn away from the guy… look out… feel my tension… and make myself happy using a tool… like melting honey) it kind of seems like they are trying… they have never complained when I have (authentically) gone from feeling angry to cool… or good.. or happy

  89.  #89Linda G on June 6, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    I am beginning to really experience the difficulty relating to a man intellectually can bring. It makes it impossible to convey feeling messages and to actually develop feelings. I have just come from dinner with a guy who is so intent on discussing issues, it left me cold, although he felt we were relating.
    I came home exhausted. It was more like a lecture than a date.
    when I finally told him it felt combative, he apologized, but I had no response for that other than thank you.

  90.  #90Linda G on June 6, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    it feels good to see you, Alias Girl

  91.  #91Linmayu on June 6, 2009 at 9:31 pm

    Whoa, I leave this place for a couple weeks and Alias Girl falls out of the sky…welcome back! I feel glad to read about you relentlessly moving forward with your Goddessy life, I feel a real power from your words.

    And Cassandra, I cheered when I read about you saying Charles can get his own damn lunch. You’re stepping back and he’s stepping up. In a way reading your posts reminds me of when I lived with my husband after “breaking up,” when things felt so uncertain and fragile and I couldn’t let go to save my life–but it also feels different because Charles really is beginning to step up, I feel it in your words.

    I admire your courage, because you have said things out loud, on many occasions, that I have thought or felt and refused to say out loud here for fear I’d be judged. I remember it used to trigger me something fierce every time you used to say you were in love with him and wanted to spend your life with him. Of course it did. Those were emotions that I too felt towards someone and didn’t want to admit to it.

    Right now, I feel blessed. I feeling-messaged a female associate this morning after an incident happened that sucked out my energy, and I really felt heard and cared for by her as a result. Then near the end of the workday I was thinking that I’d really, really like to go out to eat, and was looking up the hours for Noodles & Co. online, and then I noticed there was a message on my cell phone from my sister saying that my dad was over at the house and they were all thinking of going out for dinner. So I finished my work fast, and we went and had an amazing meal at a Persian restaurant near the house, and then came home to a sparkling clean house, with enough leftovers to feed us for 2 days, and I’m wondering what I ever felt I needed to date men for because the Universe is really providing for my wants and needs.

    Well, maybe not all of them. I still feel a wrenching pain in my gut/heart/vagina when I think about my husband. All the memories I seem to be having of him lately are hurtful; I can’t feel or remember any of the good, aside from a vague knowing that things did in fact feel good at one point.

    I’ve been praying for a certain outcome, but I don’t know if I even WANT to be married or not. It feels so good to be free, to be on a path to something good, and to know that someone out there is providing for me. It feels really, really good to take care of my appearance and my wardrobe. But I do miss intimacy. And by that I don’t mean sex; I mean feeling really heard and understood by a partner. I am blessed to have a few close female friends with whom I can share anything, but they are not always available; I’m not #1 to them. I miss that.

  92.  #92alias girl on June 6, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    i feel accepted and welcomed back and i feel teary and upset. i feel like if i were a house. the switch to turn on the bathroom light actually turns on the blender. the handle to flush the toielt turns on the radio. the remote to the tv operates the washing machine. i just feel wired up all cockeyed. i feel angry. i feel angry alot. 🙁 rrrrrr.

    i feel weird. i feel gross. like vomiting. where does the energy want to go, emily would ask. out my mouth, i would say. good good, she would say. heheh. i feel amused. or sometimes i’l say, i feel shakey. good, she says, that’s your fire. heheh.

    i feel so excited to literally be witnessing everyone transform before my eyes. i feel amazed. linda and linda g and linmayu and ann and daria and flipper and cassandra and cookie and tina and heartbeat and gina and mercedes and ericka and all the other goddesses.

    so last month i slept with both exes in the same week And kissed a different boy as well. it wasn’t that big a deal actually. all these years i have had society’s programming in me that i should be burned at the stake of morality for doing such a thing. i feel ok about it.

    in my godess adventures i had a guy i had just met WASH MY CAR FOR ME. i was completely turned on. he’s the guy i kissed.

    i had a different guy i had just met take me on the ferris wheel and kept telling me i was beautiful. i did not kiss him but might have if i had not eaten so much garlic earlier at dinner.

    i had a guy online. ok on my online site plenty of fish people have two roses they can send and this guy that emailed had already used up his rose allotment before getting to me. i told him i felt good that he was such a romantic to not just cling to his roses and to take risks and give them away. but then a few emails later i felt angry because he gave other women roses and i didn’t even get an emailed teddy bear or nothing so i emailed that i felt angry. and that i felt embarrassed for feeling angry. well then he put a new picture in his profile and told me to check out his new pix. hahaha he had a picture of himself holding roses that he had cut from his garden and the picture said these roses

  93.  #93Daria on June 6, 2009 at 11:11 pm

    Alias Girl I too slept with 2 exes in the same week… same freedom feeling from society judgements! wow… by the way I thought of you (later much later not during … haha) becausee I remembered about the three exes you used to want to have sex with and now I was like wow im an alias girl goddess right now i so didnt see that coming hehee… yeeeee

    i feel so excited your back… sounds like you’ve been having mega fun and success esp getting used to feeling messages (liek with the online guy) and getting the awesome results just like I have


    I feel so interested in the shakyness = fire… tell me more!!!

    I feel like giving Emily VanHorn a call and trying this…

  94.  #94alias girl on June 6, 2009 at 11:20 pm

    the headline said these roses are for alias girl. haha!!! HOW ROMANTIC. i am starting to attract romance! very little toxicity and more romance! yae. progress. even with all my stuffed rage i am still goddessy. yae!

    tina i feel so touched by your outcome with your guy last night. i feel like a whore sometimes too the way my ex treats me. i just felt really redeemed that you shared that with him and he cared for you tenderly. that you both moved towards each other in intimacy and you didn’t just swat him and break him down.

    linmayu i feel strength in your decision to turn to god at this point in your life. i feel space and freedom in my body hearing that many of your core needs are being met in this challenging and sometimes what seems like a painful time.

    ann i am sorry to hear your hubby is on medical leave. i hope he recovers stronger than before. i feel excited that you started a blog.

    daria. rockstar. congrats on the job. the recent interview and being a man magnet in nyc.

    linda g and linda. i feel confused sometimes and mix your storylines up because my brain has only the letter g separating the two and i feel bad. but whichever linda is circular dating and just went through the recent experience of the have-it-all-guy i felt very empowered to read you holding your boundaries. and i related when you got sucked in by that supersweet message only to have him withdraw adaing and start waffling.

    i feel guilty. i am a waffle when it comes to intimacy too. i am no-win alias girl when it comes to intimacy. the classic trait of a narcissist (me) of setting peope up in double bind, no win situations because i feel so freaked out when people get close. i feel threatened when people move too close too fast or before i trust them enough.

    i feel gross sharing. i feel amused and my feelings of slime. and my shoulders going up to my ears. i feel tenseness in my shoulders. i feel like punching. yeah ok the switch to the kitchen light activates the doorbell.

  95.  #95alias girl on June 6, 2009 at 11:29 pm

    goddess dock too! and how you had that whole heated back and forth discussion on that feminist issue that was very near to your heart. and i felt angry that he could not see that. and i felt good that you stayed with it and rode it out and just kept using feeling messages as best you could.

    and cassandra i feel so relieved you are ok and back and also amazed how masterful you are with using feeling messages. i feel so good to read of the amazing results that come with usingfeeling messages. and it does seem like charles is keeping up with you and is able to transform as you transform which feel incredulous actually. (the rori’s- tool-are-magic course) (there’s the course in miracles or rori’s course in magic godessness)

  96.  #96alias girl on June 6, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    haha daria. i feel relieved to read your similar experience. yeah i almost felt like oh this how guys relate to sex. kind of what’s the big deal. except the difference being guys seem to be able to have sex with no emotional connection and i don’t seem able to do that. happily so. i wouldnlt want to be able to do that. but have sex with two different guys i feel extreme fondness for just days apart felt ok. almost empowering since it’s been drilled into my head since birth that that is WRONG AND BAD AND SLUTTY. psshhh. whatever.

    well as far as the shakiness usually when it gets to that point i actually shut down go numb and have an urge to run out of the room. i can’t really stay with it yett. I’ll definetly share though once i pull the curtain out and reveal the big little wizard of oz that i have been so frightened to feel all this time. ?

    i loved rori’s post onTHE WALK awhile back. and then how you tried to describe it. i still don’t feel like i’ve quite got it yet but sometimes it feels fun because when i am focussing on it and trying to walk more back from my butt muscles or glutes or whatever (i’m still not quite clear) i feel amused when it makes men’s heads turn. heheh

    i feel joyful when i see you have posted daria because i know i will be reading something rockstarry and i myself and strving for rockstar. baby steps for me is working good though. i feel relieved that baby steps work.

  97.  #97Ann on June 6, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    Alias Girl thank you. I was feeling so unheard. Maybe it’s because yesterday was such a bad day, and I feel so alone and nobody responded. I posted about it on the unearth the anger post. I’m feeling like maybe I shouldn’t post my feelings about the other relationships in my life. Hell it looks like I might not have a home long anyway.

    Enough, I’m happy to see you back.

  98.  #98Daria on June 6, 2009 at 11:45 pm

    I just got advice on another blog from this insightful guy who teaches men how to connect with women (PUA but apparently a nice one that teaches connection).

    He said that the guy from 2 days ago was “way too smooth” and since I didn’t see his vulnerable side I didn’t feel he could hold space for my vulnerability.

    Or I didn’t feel I deserved a guy like this.

    I feel shocked and resonant. I feel the two are intertwined… not feeling good enough and him being way too smooth… Yes he was… yes i find that so attractive and yes I want to feel like I’m good enough for this…

    what do you think?

    I feel sooo interested in the he was way too smooth thing and how can I shift this so that I can feel safe with myself (and thus with them) with these kind of men too.. the kind that turn me on… ooh that would feel sooo cool to know that I am also so smooth that I can feel good with these men..

    And I DID feel safe and good with him as I practiced the tools and practiced amusing Myself and doing what felt good to me the whole time and being totallyreal… oh… i did really well.. and i want it to get easier and more frequent…

    I feel really “high status” and I feel attracted to these “high status” guys and I want to feel comfortable dancing with a guy who is also high status and allowing him to give to me. Just because he is confident and has high self esteem doesn’t mean he’s not a man who wants to give…. aaah i feel so triggered

    a part of me a voice is screaming out then why didint he like me!!! ufff… I know HE DID Like me but he hasnt called me and I feel freakin GRvbered… I feel shook and tense and tornado dragonlfy yy…

    I feel power and tension and am sighing it out and yawning it out…

    I feel like a power line buzzing in me…

    I feel so strong and tense right now… I love my powerline feeling adn feeling strong and tense…

    I love my love of smooth guys… woohoo..
    I guess I like smooth guys although I am already second guessing myself on this…

    yes i do.. ok… smooth And authentic… and good for me for not giving in when I didn’t feel 100% that was GREAT boundary work and yes I did feel awkward afterward but i felt way more comfortable with it than i would have at other times… i really am thawing out and i feel so excited to meet more of these Smooth Guys that Turn Me on.

    All guys that turn me on and I feel good with yay! I am open…

    I feel fury in my forehead.

    ?You know I actually kinda talked to this guy first, but I was just feeling open and I asked him if he goes dancing and what places he recommends… because I really wanted to Know places… I didn’t expect he would say he’d come pick me up… etc… but then I was fliriting with him and realized i liked him… wrote him on myspace and he pretty much led the interaction from then on which was cool…
    yes yes


    I feel worried that maybe even because i spoke to him first that shows he wasnt into me… i feel Triggered… i feel triggered.. this feels like tension in the back of my neck… pinching tension… I love my pinching tension… I love feeling like someones holding my neck… i feel good… i feel thrilled because I just remembered that guy again… aahh i feel squeezed in my shin.. I love all my squeezes I love my overwhelmed feeling… omgosh…

  99.  #99alias girl on June 7, 2009 at 12:14 am

    ann. i feel compassion and understanding. that was why i left the blog the last time was because when i Really needed someone to respond, people didn’t. ironically you had though. so thank you and i understand and i jsut get stronger about boundaries and expectations and relationships and what is real and what is imaginary and some people have a greater capacity for empathy and responsiveness and i can bring those peole closer and still aprreciate the other peole but not choose to make them a part of my inner circle. (when and if i ever manage to create and inner circle of loving supportive people in my life.) i just read your post on the other post and responded to it.

  100.  #100Ann on June 7, 2009 at 12:27 am

    Thank you Alais Girl. I’m trying to work through this anger and move on. I feel heard so I really appreciate that. There’s probably not alot of people on this time of night. I’m afraid I’m going to lose my internet soon anyway so guess I need to rely more on myself. My daughter is a good listener but she’s working alot trying to help us what she can. I have such a pain in my head I know it’s stress. I really am glad to see you posting again.

  101.  #101alias girl on June 7, 2009 at 12:40 am

    i feel happy to imagine ann’s situation magically working out. in her new situation everything unfolds even BETTER than she could have imagines it. her living situation is financially secure and stressfree. her health is optimal and she is radiating good health. she is radiating such peace and good health that her hubby recovers even quicker than was predicted. she spends lovely, quality time with her daughter filled with intimacy and bonding and laughter like that inght they were playing games.

    she is tranforming into super goddessy woman and her financial needs are being met in a queenly fashion. people love to assist her and make things easy for her. and in fact her finanical situation is trnasforming into a situation where shee experiences more abudnace and cup runneth over than she has ever experienced in her life. she is grateful and enjoying all of it.

    she is supremely pleased with how things are uunfolding and how she spends her time and spreads her love and joy to all she meets.

    i feel really happy and peaceful to imagine that.

  102.  #102Ann on June 7, 2009 at 12:48 am

    Alias Girl that felt great to read. I copied it out on notepad so it’s easily accessible. I’m going to ask the angels can they help me with that. THANK YOU

  103.  #103alias girl on June 7, 2009 at 12:59 am

    i imagine the angels singing yesyesyes your wish is my desire, sweet love.

  104.  #104Ann on June 7, 2009 at 1:10 am

    I feel better at the moment. Thank you for spending some time with me tonight. Think I’m going to get off here and ask the angels now. Think I said this already but I’ll say it again. Glad to see you back Alias Girl.

  105.  #105Linda G on June 7, 2009 at 5:12 am

    I completely get what you are saying about missing being #1 with someone. It’s exactly how I feel.
    About having your other needs met, it’s like Rori explains in Targeting Mr Right that it’s important to be able to get our needs met in many ways, from ourselves, our friens, from many men.

  106.  #106Linnie aka Linda G on June 7, 2009 at 5:34 am

    I have decided to change my blog name to Linnie
    I feel badly I am not fully involved with everyone’s posts and responding to people when they need to be heard. Some of it feels selfish, some of it is just because I am not on that much, and much of it feels like I am intruding on intimate territory that I may not be welcome to speak to.
    It does feel awful when no one responds. I know.
    I feel so sorry, Ann about your predicament. I wish I knew the words to soothe you. I like alia Girl’s strategy of conjuring up your ideal remedy.

  107.  #107Linda G on June 7, 2009 at 7:13 am

    I am going to change my blog name to Linnie. I have tried to but my comments are under mediation
    I just wanted to tell Ann I feel badly for not responding to her dilemma. I sometimes feel I am intruding by commenting unsolicited, somehow. I wish I had the words to soothe you, as Alias Girl has done so brilliantly. I like the conjuring up thing.

  108.  #108Tina on June 7, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    I dont feel to call him my “boyfriend” I dont feel the need/desperation for him to call me in the middle of week. I dont feel to kill my tomatoes.

    I do feel to pay for my course (small business.) I do feel to buy Rori’s book (on sale.) I do feel the need to pay my phone bill. I do feel to help my son study for his exam (which we did already.) I do feel to workout ( I did do it.) I do feel to clean my bedroom (half way done lol.) I do feel the need to pull out all my summer clothes. I didnt go dancing last night, I went to my friends moms wake instead. I learned so much while I was there. Her mom and my mom where best friends until my mom slept with her best friends husband dang!. The moon was full and the wind was blowing as my freinds sister related the story it had started to rain, thunder and lightning, Awesome!.

  109.  #109Tina on June 7, 2009 at 5:27 pm

    Oh crap! I feel week again, he came over just now. He said “do you have coffee?. I said yes, then proceeded to make a pot. So obliging I am. I feel angry at myself for making the pot of coffee. I feel so angry at myself right now for not standing my ground. The difference now is I SEE it!. I SEE it as clear as day. Same shit different day lol. My sister calls, we talk.

    He is sitting at my computer chair, I’m laying on the couch. He says ” I could leave tonight (he is on course) I immediately start to feel unimportant/abandoned. Fear wells up inside of me, I can feel it in my chest/heart and pelvis. I didnt say how I was feeling to him. I said “so what do you think of me?. Where do you see us?WRONGE LOL. Crap!. He said stop playing games, I said Im not playing games then I said “I feel defensive” I said to myself OH this is where I start convincing shit!. I stopped, we didnt talk , just sat in silence. I continued on to say. Am I for now?. Am I your girlfriend?. I SCREWED UP LOL AND I KNOW IT LOL. FUNNY.

    I felt my body going into the NEEDY zone. I feel paralyzed. What happened? oh i feel so ungoddess like. He said No you are not “just for now” I didnt respond, I looked out my window and said Oh. My son walked in from studing/helping his friend so of course the energy changed. Thank god!.. I was messing up big time lol. its ok though.


  110.  #110Tina on June 7, 2009 at 5:31 pm


  111.  #111Cassandra on June 7, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    I feel so so so happy that Alias Girl is back!! I have missed you and reading your posts and have often wondered what has been going on in your journey and I have often felt that something was missing when you were not sharing it with us. I feel happy that you are home! and I do feel love for you AG and feel so proud of the work that you have done and the steps that you have and are taking in your Siren-ness. Welcome back Sister Siren…you have been deeply deeply missed and even though you may feel triggered by this….YOU ARE DEEPLY LOVED AND APPRECIATED!!

    Tina……your heart for all things beautiful touches me and makes me feel thankful. I feel thankful that you care for your moth and I hope that she can grow her wing back and in a way it makes me think of you and how you are growing your own wings. That makes me feel like celebrating and it brings me a feeling of joy. Thank you for that. I feel so happy that your man moved toward you when you were feeling ‘down’. I felt happy that he supported you and was there and even came to you instead of just calling. There is a tree in our backyard that has been struggling – a big huge old oak that is so big that I can’t even wrap my aroms around her – I named her Sophie and like you care for your moth – I go out and water my tree and talk to her. I told her that she can’t die that I need for her to fight and come back to me/us…when I read about your moth it made me think of Sophie. i want to believe that your moth will grow her wing back and that it will bestronger than the one that she started out with…that you are also growing your wings and will soon fly free in total and complete love of YOU and that Sophie will come back to me and live.

    Daria….thank you too for your encouragement. I am so with you on the kiss and hug thing and that is why it felt so aweseom for HIM to pull ME to him and give me a kiss and a hug in front of the other trucker friend and keep his hands around my waist. I didn’t ask for that – he did that on his own and it did feel wonderful. I have really been trying to NOT ask for anything from him but I kind of flubbed that up this weekend because I really wanted to spend time with him. It feels horrible to be here with no one else to do stuff with on the weekends and then I have to just be here alone. I am not really one to go exploring alone as I don’t enjoy that kind of stuff alone. It actually turned out that we have not spent hardly any time together this weekend and I feel that this is a sign of what is to come. I don’t mean to be negative here but this is what I feel. I fel so so so desperately lonely that it hurts. It hurts to have someone that you love so deeply not want to spend a minute with you…..I feel unwanted and unloved right now – today anyway. His actions of these last few days have been great but today was back to the old mean, bully Charles. He even told me this morning when we got home from church that “he could do better”. I felt like throwing up… chest hurt and I was shaking……my whole body was shaking that hurt me so badly. I was crushed. I felt so humiliated, so broken, so ‘nothing’, so worthless that I could hardly even move. I feel that he meant it too.

    When we got home from church his brother was here sleeping – he works 3rd shift and is trying to sell their house so sometimes he comes here to sleep in the morning after work. I asked Charles if he would still speak to his brother and Charles was a total ass. I guess the good times only last for a minute here and that feels awful. Even now I am here home alone and he out on the Harley. I feel that even that is deliberate as he knows how much I LOVE to ride…so he went alone. I fully feel that all of that was totally deliberate to hurt me and it does. Mission accomplished. That feels terrible. I did not however even address his brother when he woke up – he came outside where Charles and I were working in the yard and I did not even say hello and that felt good to not say a word to him. I do know however that Charles is NOT going to stand up for me to his brother and I have decided that I am not giving him the time of day until he comes to me to make it right. I feel so angry about that and then for Charles to tell me that HE can do better? I know for a fact that he has never been married at 43 because I am the only one that has been stupid enough to stay with his ass! That felt good to write that!!! Not the me being stupid part but the part about no one else sticking around to take his crap. He makes me feel like nothing.
    Linmayu…..thanks too for the compliments and for letting me know the things that you admired in me. I felt so happy to read that I had actually helped someone else. Most of the time I feel so damn lost so to know that I helped someone else made me feel special. Thank you. I totally relate to the time that you could not let go – I am right there in that exact time and space. it is like your head knows for sure it isn’t going to work but your heart just can’t seem to catch up. I so wish that my heart would get to where my head is because I feel as though I am the tethered, old, severaly fraying rope in a violent game of tug-o-war! I can so relate to not being #1 in the life of the man that you love – it hurts and breaks your spirit but you have not only put your spirit back together you have strengthened it and are doing you beautifully. I so desperately want to get there – to where you and Daria and AG & Mercedes and everyone are. (please forgive me if I did not mention everyone here – I don’t mean to leave anyone out at all.)It feels so good to hear from you Linmayu. I feel happy that you are in such a great place.

    Ann…I feel sad that you feel/ felt so left out. I do try to keep up with things and respond to everyone so I feel horrible that you felt left out. You are definitely important here…everyone is and I love keeping up with your walk. I feel sadness that both you and Alias Girl felt that way and I feel as though I let you both down in some way and that feels like something breaking…….a beautiful vase or photo. I feel sorry that I was not there for either of you when both of you needed someone to be there. I feel responsible and triggered. When someone hurts, I usually do feel responsible…working on that but I do feel horrible that you both stood alone when you needed a hug or hand to hold. I feel such a stong love for both of you and admire both of you in your walk to Goddessness. Ann – I stand in total agreement with the beautiful image that AG painted for you – I pray that it will come to pass just as she painted it. I feel excited to see the finished painting and to hear the joy…the peace and the self love in your words.

    Tina…..can I share your storm? I love them. 🙂

    I am feeling lost. I feel again humiliated and unwanted with regard to Charles. I got a text from the gentleman that I did have dinner with the other night – I had not heard from him since Thursday so i figured I wouldn’t hear from him again. He sent me a very sweet text but it also said that if he sees me again that he will ‘want’ me. How can I address this? I am NOT getting physical with anyone unless it is Charles and most likely not even then! I don’t know how to respond to this text so haven’t. I don’t want to go there with him…I want Charles to want me but I I know in my head that he doesn’t. Well…I take that back….sometimes I feel that deep down..I mean really deep down so far down that he can’t even really understand it himself – that he does love me as much as he is capable but then other times like today with him telling me that he could do better I feel that there could not possibly be even an ounce of love in there for me anywhere.

  112.  #112Cassandra on June 7, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    Tina…..Your post came up in my email after I was writing yet another novel. Your post felt strong and determined. I felt your anger and that is a good thing!! You really are doing a great job but please don’t beat yourself up like this. You are now noticing things that y9ou never used to notice and that in itself is HUGE!! CELEBRATE THE GOOD STUFF THAT YOU ARE NOW DOING!!! Sending you love and hugs!

  113.  #113alias girl on June 7, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    cassandra thank you for your kind words. yes i feel triggered to feel like vomitting again. i feel really happy you understand! i felt really good to be understood that people’s acceptance and kind words towards me actually feels queasy inside. or sometimes i feel like punching, as i often tell emily. good, she says. 🙂

    i feel empathy and anger and protectiveness when i read your last post, cassandra. i feel rage at my own pining away for a man (heheh correction – men) who i know love me but treat me bad. how many times have i said I Feel Punished to this one man?

    why am i only attracted to some men and not others? it is my faulty wiring. i felt so punished in my family of origin. so punishment=love. ugh. i feel disgusted and gross. ew.

    i feel sad to read of goddesses not feeling worthy of being treated like goddesses.

    i had this one guy who lived far away and wanted to meet. (as we discussed over text msg. ack. i feel turned off.) but he had a dui so didn’t want to drive to me bc it was far. i felt conflicted. we went back and forth for a long time with me using feeling messages. we came to no conclusion and set no plans. on the sunday we were supposed to meet he texts me in the afternoon. i do not respond. then in the eve he texts me again saying he thought we were going to meet.

    wha? i used feeling messages to convey my confusion why he would think that. and then it just felt ick. i texted that i felt manipulated and was going to stop texting. so then he called and i didn’t pick up and he left no voicemail. then he texted again. i ignored. a week goes by and he texts

  114.  #114alias girl on June 7, 2009 at 7:29 pm

    he texts the question – do you still feel manipulated. i said i felt sad i was having trouble connecting with people.

    we start texting back and forth and he asks me out to lunch. i tell him i don’t want to drive. (i had lost my feeling of conflicted and was SURE i did not want to drive. not my fault or problem he got dui. i know he drives other places. plus just too much trouble for me to drive so far.)

    so then he says no problme he just doesn’t want to drink or stay out late. i said that is good for me too. then he wanted me to pick a place. now i know this is my neighborhood and so it would be easier for me to pick the place but i didn’t want to. i felt stressed by the idea and also too much trouble. so i stopped texting as i considered what to do.

    then he says we can meet for coffee. i said i felt relieved and gave him location of nearby starbucks. THEN he texted me that we could have coffee and if we click then we could proceed on to do something else if not we could go our sperate ways.

    i felt disgusted and turned off. i felt like he just indian gave the lunch offer. now if it had started out as just coffee i would have felt ok about it. but now i felt downgraded. i felt really angry that this guy was turning out to feel really lame. i told him i felt uncomfortable and was unable to commit at that time. he said ok. i said ok. then a little while later he texts back that he feels scared and is not sure he even wants to meet me.

    i texted back , ok.

    i could have used more feeling messages but this was a guy i felt well we had run our course and i was never that interested to begin with and just more and more things kept stacking up telling me no no no.

    i felt relieved not to have to meet him. i felt like i would have been settling for a basement sale date or something.

    which is exactly my initial point. i am no basement sale goddess. and what i am talking about has little to do with the cash value of a date.

  115.  #115Linda G on June 7, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    Alias Girl et al:
    I have learned through circular dating that when these things get complicated and require too much energy, they are just draining.
    and wht do you say to a guy who emails he will get back to you if another girl he’s decided to date doesn’t work out, and then emails a few weeks later that now he’ll give you a go?

  116.  #116Robin on June 7, 2009 at 8:42 pm

    Alias Gril,

    I’ve read your posts and I fel so happy that you are back, I’ve felt very inspired by your posts-
    And I LOVE how the guy on pof put that in his headline-AWESOME!!

    I feel gooey and messy (like honey) reading that-how fantastic

    Yay to romance!

  117.  #117alias girl on June 7, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    hmmm. linda g. i dunno. how does it feel? i’m not sure how i would feel about it. i mean i honestly might not care. on the one hand, the guy is tactless. on the other hand, he is honest. and i am really attracted to honesty even if it comes with the unofrtunate sidebar of tactlessness sometimes. depends on the tone and intention of the person which i learn over time.

    i probably wouldn’t feel too slighted because the man does not know me yet and does not know how fabulous and once-in-a-lifetime i am or he’d have never put me on the back burner like that. 🙂

    but the reality of dating is well we’re looking for something special and don’t want to close down our options. maybe i would say a feeling message using humor. something like i feel lukewarm being put on low heat on the back burner like that. i felt really interested at first then i felt a little deflated. what do you think?

    robin. thx. 🙂 yeah the guy seems really interesting. we’ll see. i just feel really really ecstatic to be attracting romance now. rori’s targeting mr right program really really helped me shift my perspective and i feel like i could be happy circular dating forever because there are always new experiences and adventures and opportunities to practice my feeling messages and THE WALK and feeling goddessy. even when i am still dealing with all my stuff. i can be godessey and still embrace all the muck.

  118.  #118alias girl on June 7, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    robin i tried to click on the link that goes with your name and it came up with a message that said the site needs to be republished. ? i felt curious and wanted to see if you had a blog or something.

  119.  #119Tina on June 7, 2009 at 10:19 pm

    He came over not long after my shower, I didnt call, he didnt call, he just came over. Chicken in hand along with some other food – for me to cook. I was hungry so yeah I cooked the chicken. He read a book – course book. I asked him what type of veggie he would like. He said “if you dont feel like cooking it its ok.” lol well thank you master lol. We ate, we talked about stuff, politics local, who was sleeping with who blah blah blah. He patted my butt as he walked passed me and said thank you, the chicken was excellent. I said oh your welcome. I did my best to lean back in conversation. He said other women are jealous of you I said why he said because blah blah blah, I said I worked hard, he said I know but they dont. We live in a small community so everyone gets in your business lol. They need Rori tools lol.

    He walked down to my bedroom, made himself quite at home , as he always does. I asked him if he called me this week, he said yes he did but I didnt answer, he then said why, do you have someone else calling you long distance?. silence then I smiled. We started to watch a movie – as we always do, he reached out for me and you know the rest lol. We “cuddled” he snoozed off, he woke a little later saying sorry for snoozing, I said men do that, he said what, I said snooze after sex, he said oh then fell back to sleep. I was smiling the whole night at myself, watching things play out as they did. I swear to god Im going to buy that book Rori has on sale for 50% off, after I pay for my course lol. I hope its still on sale tuesday.

  120.  #120Tina on June 7, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    Well, I learned that what I could have said when he said, I could leave today” was ” I feel sad” he would have asked why do you feel sad , I would have said, I feel sad and insignificant in your decision to leave earlier than planned. Thats it and just left it there. Blah. He didnt leave he is snoring in my bed.

  121.  #121Tina on June 7, 2009 at 10:34 pm

    He said “im tilling your garden again next weekend and your lawn needs to be mowed lol. okie dokie

  122.  #122Tina on June 7, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    We can go out dancing wearing lin’s lolita dress’s lol. I do beat myself, I feel like that harry potter creature, that beats himself up all the time.

  123.  #123Tina on June 8, 2009 at 2:18 am

    I realized this morning , I do not praise my son enough. I wrote a p.s on the bottom of the note I left for him this morning. ” I am proud of you for taking the time to study for your exam, Good Luck! love mom. I left a message for my daughter on her blackberry – how is my goddess daughter?.

    I slept a little last night, T had to go back to course, gone for three days. We woke 1/2 hour before the alarm went off. Guess what we did? yup your right with 9 minutes to spare lol. I said ok we have 9 mins, to “cuddle.” we cuddle, I said 9 mins feels like forever, he said yes it does, he leans over to check the time, gets up. I start to “complain” your cheating me out of 1 min, I said. no im not he says. I knew the time was up he says. oh I say. I said the one minute was important to me and he cheated me, just to consider my feelings, I laughed/smiled when I said this to him. He says to me that he wishes he could sleep in, I said no you dont, you wouldnt get anything done if you slept in, He said Im still tired, I’ll get a coffee on the way. I said I feel happy I can sleep in for a little while. I work tomorrow night. He says “I’ll call you tonight” ok i say. or tomorrow night then he remembered I have to work. He said no ill call tonight.

    I enjoy and like my freedom. I feel I am not ready to make the leap to a live in/ marriage situation right now. I like things the way they are for now. I dont know if I will ever be ready. I dont feel to sleep with other men. Dates and things yes I would consider it. I will not bring up the word “commitment” again this summer. I want to have fun, meet lots of people. do things on my own. The dreaded C word leads to the dreaded M word agh. I did that with my ex husband, he called me his goddess, the only problem was he had a violent streak and a drug problem towards the end of our relationship. The last four months. He rubbed my feet every night -he was good lol. he massaged my back every night – he was good excellent I say. He did a lot of things for me, yet I still felt “drained.”

  124.  #124Linda G on June 8, 2009 at 4:24 am

    Alias Girl;
    The guy said he was being honest and felt that was a key thing for him to be.
    My dad responded the way you did. I responded to the guy, that I sent the flirt because I was still interested and still am. He responded coyly with, I guess maybe we’ll talk soon.
    I feel back on the burner again, like he feels there’s no rush to see me as I will hang around.

  125.  #125Flipper on June 8, 2009 at 5:59 am

    Yay Alias Girl – I feel so tickled to “hear your very special voice” back on here, and I, too, feel bad that I missed your cry for solace. Even tho you were no longer speaking directly to us, I could feel you following along, your vibes inextricably mingled with the rest.

    Your comment “THEN he texted me that we could have coffee and if we click then we could proceed on to do something else if not we could go our seperate ways.” makes me think of Cassandra’s negative interpretation of a remark where several of the others, including myself, saw it just the opposite. I would have taken this to mean that it was Still possible to go to lunch (wasn’t saying to himself ‘well she only wants coffee, that’s ALL she can hope for from me) should YOU feel like it. In short, a reassurance that he was open to expand on his offer, but for you not to feel bad if nothing came of it (of course this last would apply to himself as well, but normally that’s how guys are anyway so he didn’t have to say it for himself). Seeing the negative rather than the positive – I feel a tie-in with the queasy feelings when you hear good things about yourself, because this happens with me, too, tho thankfully prolly less. I feel like this when I always, Automatically, refuse anything that’s offered to me. More and more I recognize this after the fact, and sometimes even manage to turn things around and ‘catch’ the gift after all.

    And viva Romance! – keep the petals for a pot-pourri. (I hope you’re soon drowning in flowers and petals). Hugs.

  126.  #126Flipper on June 8, 2009 at 6:00 am

    Dear Ann – big kisses and I’ll get back to you ASAP. Hugs.

  127.  #127Cassandra on June 8, 2009 at 9:01 am

    Ladies…..I ahve a question that I need help with. I had receied a wonderful text from the gentlemant that I had dinner with last week. It made me feel wonderful I did respond to it and I let him know that it made me feel flattered but that I don’t feel comfortable being phsyical with anyone right now. He texted me back asking me to come over to snuggle At thispoint it was about 10:00pm and I was not going to go out at that point in the evening and not only that but I felt a little ‘set up’. I let him know that I felt uncomfor

  128.  #128Cassandra on June 8, 2009 at 9:24 am

    ….sorry hit send before I meant to……I let him know that I felt uncomfortable coming over so late and that to me it felt like I booty call situation and I told him again that I felt uncomfortable and that I was not comfortable being physical with anyone right now in my life. For the next 2 hours he went on telling me how he just wanted to hold me …that he needed me to be there with him and of course it was getting later and later. Even when we hung up the phone at 12:00 midnight – he then sent me two more texts saying pleace come over…..please come over. I fetl so pressured and I told him that and he sort of got mad. Now this morning he said that I was not there for him and does not want to continue talking as he sees no reason if I am not going to be there for him. DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?? I feel so angry that i was honest with him and he turned it around on me saying that I was not there for him – it was the middle of the night for pete’s sake!!

    Not only that but Charles did talk to his brother and his brother told him that he meant every word that he said and again Charles told me this morning that he could do better. I feel so trapped and angry and upset and worthless! What the hell am I doing wrong??!

  129.  #129Robin on June 8, 2009 at 9:45 am

    Alias Girl,

    Thank you for pointing that out-I dunno if I acccidentally typed it wrong or what, but it should be up and running now (I hope 🙂 I checked with the site domain, and all seems to be well.

  130.  #130Robin on June 8, 2009 at 10:14 am


    I feel so ANGRY too hearing about this guy who tried to turn it aroudn on you. You didn’t do anything wrong-I feeel so happy that you spoke the truth to him and didn’t cave it-but for him to say that, feels very manipulative for me and what hes throwing at you is absolute BS!!!

    I don’t even know if that text dignfies a response, but ohh, I would practice the truth on him, maybe wow, I dont wanna talk either-I feel so angry & disgusted right now. I don’t want to feel pressured and I don’t want to feel punished for wanting what I want…

    What NERVE-Im sorry for ranting, but that makes me feel furious that he would even SUGGEST that to you Cassandra-you did so well, and it appears that he’s throwing a temper tantrum

    And I feel the same way about what Charles said to you…I would want to practice speaking my anger to him as well, b/c there’s NO WAY in this world that he will EVER find someone better than you….he could do better?!?-I DONT THINK SO!!!

  131.  #131Tina on June 8, 2009 at 11:56 am

    Cassandra I feel angry reading your message. The words “I can do better” triggers my feeling of rage. I do not so much want to destroy the planet anymore nor do I want to kill my tomatoes. Oh the tables turn so quickly, so effortlessly, I can flip this damn table right over f’ck the table lol. Beam me up Scottie (lol) Im so outta here. Luckily for me and I am grateful , that I have my own place. I feel so pissed of right now Cassandra, How can he be so affectionate in public but assault me with his words at home?. Fck!. This is the part I start to beat myself up lol.

  132.  #132Linda G on June 8, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    Rori warns against snuggling with a guy, that to a guy it’s the same thing as sex. Plus, it will put you in a very vulnerable position, not a good vulnerable.
    Going over there for any reason is leaning forward, and going over to snuggle is even moreso.

  133.  #133Linda G on June 8, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    you did absolutely teh right thing by not going over there. his raection is proof of that.

  134.  #134Cassandra on June 8, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    Tina…I feel so happy that youa re out of that abusive marriage. Anytime I hear anything about any Goddess being abused triggersme to no end and I feel rage bubbling up in me. Charles has been abusive to me…not physically but definitely emotionally and verbally. We had been going thru a really good time lately and I was actually beginning to thins that things perhaps could have worked out with us. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING! I feel angry about that. Anyway…..I feel happy to know that you are in a place where you know what you want and don’t want. To me that feels strong….it feels clear and concise and where I want to be. I feel admiration of that!

    Wow….Robin….your post made me cry and it made me see things the way that they REALLY are. The man that I had dinner with last week – when he asked me to come over last night had even sent a text letting me know that this was the only night that his son was not going to be home and that if I sacrificed last night to spend with him – now at one point he even offered for me to stay in his room and he would sleep in in his son’s room – how stupid does he think that I am?? – anyway he said that if I sacrificed last night to come and see him – he said that he needed me to be there with him so badly just to be there so that he could hold me – just hold me – again how stupid does he think that I am? – he said that if I came over to spend last night with him that he would change his family plans for Wed. night and Friday night so that we could have time to spend together then as well. He told me that he felt by me not coming that I was unwilling to sacrifice time to spend with him. I told him over and over that I just didn’t feel comfortable leaving the house late like that and he kept on and on with it and when I would say ‘I feel very uncomfortable with this but it would feel wonderful to see you at another time this week’ he said that I was unwilling to sacrifice time to spend with him. I did feel so angry and manipulated. He said that he has not been with a woman since his divorce 4 years ago and has never felt this way about anyone – we have been talking for 1 week mind you…..1 friggin’ week! I love what you said here…..

    “I dont wanna talk either-I feel so angry & disgusted right now. I don’t want to feel pressured and I don’t want to feel punished for wanting what I want”

    I definitely feel punished that is for sure! Even today….all day he has been texting me asking me if I would be there for him when he needed me if we were to start dating seriously…..he keeps asking me if he called me at such and such an hour would I come to him. I have told him that I would be there at a decent hour if he needed me however I feel very uncomfortable with feeling pressured the way that I was last night and with feeling that I am being punished for not coming over last night and that to feel that way feels awful and very uncomfortable- I just sent that back to him Robin after I read your post! Thanks for that!! He has sent me a few emails as well asking me if I would come over at 7:30 in the morning or after his son went to sleep. I told him that I would feel happy to meet him for breakfast somewhere at 7:30am but to come over after his son falls asleep some evening would again feel to me to be more of a booty call even if he asked me to stay all night (which I would not do). I am not ready for that with anyone…not even Charles right now. Last night he wanted me to stay all night with him and wake up in his arms he said ‘even if I just hold you’. As nice as it sounds to be held all night – I have not had that since before I moved here I was not comfortable going there last night at all and if he realized that I was indeed a lady he would never have asked me to leave my house that late at night to come to him. Now I feel even more angry and upset than I did last night. His emails all have a tone that infers that I did something wrong and that feels yucky and dirty and creepy. I knew last night that this was going to be a perfect opportunity to use the feeling messages and tell him how I feel clearly and do wahat is best for ME. Of course I did not go last night which was the right thing to do but I did feel guilt and it bothers me that I felt guilty about that. It feels awful to feel guilty about doing what I feel is right for me and I am sorry if I hurt his feelings as that was not my intent but he did not even mention spending any time together last night ujtil about 10:00pm-ish. I don’t go out that late to see anyone unless it is to go get Charles from the truck stop if he did not drive there but that is totally different.

    Charles had gone out with his cousin on the harley and he came home shortly after I got off the phone with the man that wanted me to come over but when Charles got home OMG he was a total ass. Thank you to both you Robin and Tina for reminding me that Charles could never find someone better than me. That made me cry because I am right now feeling like garbage. He told me that same thing again this morning and I have been feeling so broken around that that I have not even gotten anything that i needed to get done today done. I feel nervous for him to come home and he will be home later on for dinner. He told me that for sure he could do better and that when he spoke with his brother last night on the phone about all of this that his brother said that he was not at all sorry for what he said and even he accused me of ‘listening in’ on their conversation. He said that I stood there purposely to listen to what they were saying and it makes me feel sick to my stomach to know that they talk about me behind my back this way. Charles has been on the verge of loosing his home because of the high mortgage and his decrease in work and I am the one that has fought tooth and nail to get him a modification yet he even told me that with or without me he would not loose his home – that what I have done…and I have put hours upon hours into this – means nothing and he would have kept his house with or without me. This morning he even said he could totally do better and that we are only together until I can move…that he is stuck with me. OMG it took every ounce of energy I had to not fall to my knees crying I felt so broken and worthless. He is out working on the truck today thank GOD but I feel afraid of him coming home later on. I know he won’t hurt me physically but the verbal and emotional abuse is abhorrent and on some days I feel that it is killing me from the inside out. I feel like again the rug has been ripped from underneath my feet as things lately have been going very very well. i realize that Charles is under tremendous pressure but who isn’t right now???! I have been feeling that things have been bettter but I have been so so so wrong and so so stupid to think that this could ever have worked with us. I keep hearing his voice from this morning telling me that he could do better…he is 43 and never been married because I am the only 1 that has been stupid enough to take his crap. I feel totally emotionally exhausted.

    I only went out with dinner boy as a therapy experiment – to learn more about me and practice the tools and then all of this happens? I did get to use the tools but if I meet one more psycho lying maipulative man I feel that I will shut the door to my heart forever because I can’t deal with all of this. I feel totally overwhelmed and I feel fear about when Charles will be home…I really do. I wish he was out on the road. Ifeel afriad of what I will hear tonight that will break me down even further. I feel like screaming and breaking things.

    Tina….no beating yourself up! I feel that same rage but let’s go riff thru it and see where we end up….I will riff here with you if you want…..just let me know ok?

    Love to you both! XOXO

  135.  #135Cassandra on June 8, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    Linda G….thanks. Your posts came up after I wrote my post or novel should I say. Thanks for your support. Words can tell you how much it is appreciated. I so desperately want to be held but I want to be held the man that says he is mine of course I would also like to win the lottery! When Dinner Boy asked me to come over last night I did feel vulnerable not even having gone oever there. I did feel emotionally exposed and not emotionally safe. I do feel thankful that I did not go…I really do. You should read some of the emails that he has sent me about how awful I was for not being there for him. Well – I want to celebrate my beaing awful because that feels a hell of a lot better than if I had gone over there! I feel good right now being a bitch if that is what I am! Xcuse my french. Do you happen to remember what rori said about snuggling though? I don’t remember reading that and clearly I need to read it. YOu know what I feel scared of right now? I feel afradi of being alone for the rest of my life…I feel sick and tired of hearing how wonderful , sweet, beautiful, yadayadayadayada I am and I am still alone. I feel so afraid of being alone right now…gotta go riff. Thanks again Linda G. Sending you lots of love too!XOXOXO

  136.  #136Cassandra on June 8, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    Ok….I need your help again……Dinner boy just sent me an email asking me if I would come over (I don’t know if he meant tonight or notand really don’t carebut I am using this situation to be AUTHENTIC and use the feelings messages correctly with someone other than Charles)….in the email he asked me if I would come over to spend some time with him after his son went to sleep.
    here is the dialog/ emails…..

    HIM: What if I asked you over after my son goes to sleep. would you come then?
    ME: I feel like that would be a booty call situation and that does not feel good to me. not only that but I don’t want to feel as though I would be ‘hidden’ from anyone. I don’t feel comfortable spending the night with you or anyone right now…not where I am at in my life. It felt great to have dinner the other night and It felt good to enjoy your company and have great conversation and It would feel great to have dinner again or even breakfast out and spend time doing fun stuff together but I don’t feel comfortable spending the night with you.
    HIM: I don’t do booty calls. Told you that last night. You would stay and wake up in my arms, but you would have to leave before he waks up. Is that a booty call or early departure?

    End dialog….I have not yet responded to him yet. am I missing something here or is he not listening to a thing that I am saying…….did I say things clearly and totally in feelings messages? I tried to do so and I thought that I did a pretty ok job of it but what the heck? To me his response is nothing more than a booty call to a T! Early departure?? He must be crazy…..I feel like he is mincing words here. Am I missing the boat here and mis-reading something ladies or am I am track here? Even when I read that again…what he wrote I feel angry and manipulated.

  137.  #137alias girl on June 8, 2009 at 2:41 pm

    cassandra i really feel like you can make it to the other side of all this. there is no way you would spend so much time and enregy and determination with all of rori’s tools with no pay off. i feel happy you are using this blog to work it out. i feel really uplifted to see/read you slowly discovering your strength, Boundaries, voice, and goddess worthiness. i feel encouraging towards you.

    thank you flipper. 🙂 i feel weird about your alternative perspective but i appreciate your continual love and support always. bottom line was i FELT AWFUL about the basement sale dude. and so i took actions that supported my best goddess self.

  138.  #138Linda G on June 8, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    Cassandra: Rori warns never go see a man. ever. never to his house, unless you are involved with him after a long time.
    Feeling message “I don’t feel comfortable driving to men”. I don’t feel comfortable spending the night with you.” anything.
    “It would feel great to see you again. But I don’t feel I know you well enough to spend the night.”
    He is being manipulative and you will feel like a doormat if you go.

  139.  #139JNB on June 8, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Cassandra, it looks to me like he’s just being very persistent. Stand your ground, hun, and he will respect you if his intentions are pure, and if they’re not, he will move on to a less secure and self-respecting girl. It’s a win/win situation!!! I admire your strength. I think you’re doing great!!!

  140.  #140Flipper on June 8, 2009 at 2:49 pm

    Cassandra, all that feels like manipulation and abuse – abuse playing on feminine energy, but abuse all the same. Don’t forget that besides feeling messages, we have to be ready to walk away, hang up the phone, feel and BE unavailable for putting up with a bunch of crap. (having nothing else to do but avoid feeling triggered or lousy is a perfectly good reason for being unavailable). We don’t owe it to anyone to fix their neediness, and that includes hearing about it. Maybe that’s why Rori recommends we don’t have too long phone convos with guys, especially ones we hardly know. If we hang around listening to their drivel, maybe they think that’s an invitation to keep trying, that somehow we want to be convinced. (I feel we do want to be convinced, but not of what they’re trying for – I just keep giving them chances to ‘take the hint’ (or hear my feeling message) and change their attitude to show me their good side. Doesn’t work that way. But if we’re no longer there, taking it, only then can they realize that we won’t be dumped on, misled, manipulated.)

  141.  #141Callista on June 8, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    I’m going to tell you first hand, if he’s not listening to you now, when everything is new and he’s supposed to be trying his darndest to please and impress you, that is a *bad sign*! You’ve practiced feeling messages, now is time to tell him “I don’t feel heard, I feel angry and disrespected, I don’t like feeling that way, and I have to go now.” and HANG UP THE PHONE. Eww. I feel so turned off. This same thing happened to me, I told the guy who wanted to come visit me during a very busy time for me at work that it was a bad week and he ended up coming anyway. Now he’s very needy, I don’t feel heard or respected and this has been the pattern of our relationship. Get out now, while you still can. You don’t owe it to him or to yourself to practice any more. Pat yourself on the back, tell yourself you did a great job, give yourself a hug, and GET OUT now while it’s early and you’re not emotionally invested in him. He will suck the life out of you with his neediness. I’ve heard the “I haven’t felt this way before” thing, and it sucks you in but please, don’t let him manipulate you anymore. Your stranger is screaming at the top of her lungs for you to stand up for yourself, and all you have to do is have the courage to walk away when he’s not listening. Just say something like what I said above, and you can even say “I feel like we are just not on the same page here, I feel uncomfortable, I don’t like feeling that way.” I KNOW how hard it is but I see this becoming a very bad situation fast. Hang in there! You’ll be so proud of yourself! You can do this, and you can do it without being mean or abandoning him, and if he feels abandoned after *one week* then you can’t help him. You know in your heart that the things he’s saying aren’t true, that is why this is so painful for you. So I echo everyone’s comments, keep it short, get off the phone, and cease contact. Right now he’s trying to take the focus of the relationship off YOU and onto HIM. That means the energy is going towards him and it should always be coming towards YOU. If it’s not, and you’ve told him in feeling messages how you feel, then walk away. You can do BETTER! But not if he’s standing in the way and sucking away all your energy and distracting you from Mr. Right. Good luck!!

  142.  #142Flipper on June 8, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    Alias Girl – I thought of that later and wanted to say that I wasn’t trying to convince you of anything, that things Were any different from your take on them. Sometimes, tho’, my reactions are influenced by my NV’s, or triggered by earlier similar events in other circumstances. So another time you might want to also look at things in a different way – not to cut him any slack, but to give Yourself another chance. As you say, the important thing is how they feel to us, and feeling good about ourselves and our response to them, and I feel happy that’s how you made it feel to you.

  143.  #143Cassandra on June 8, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    Goddesses…..Thank you thank you thank you. I feel so proud of myself right now and you all helped me so much in getting my response together……here is what I wrote him back……

    I feel very uneasy with the continued mention of me spending the night with you and it feels a bit scary to me. I feel so much pressure to answer your questions the way that you want me to or you won’t want to spend anymore time with me because things did not go the way that you wanted them to go last night. That feels like a test that I have to pass in order for you to spend more time with me………… and that feels hurtful and icky and it makes me feel extremely manipulated. I truly felt that I enjoyed your company and our conversations at dinner the other night however I don’t want to feel the pressure that I am feeling to spend the night with you. It would feel wonderful to go OUT for dinner with you again but I will meet you at the restaurant just like we did the other night.

    Ok…that is what I sent him back in the email response to his email. At this point I am totally expecting to never hear fro him again but like JNB said…it is a win/win. If I do fine and if I don’t fine. This is the first time that I have ever said something like this to someone that is interested and it really does feel good.
    Oh…boy….just got another text from him telling me that his son may be staying at his brother’s house tonight. The other ones that I posted were emails from him but this is a text. I am not going to respond. I don’t feel comfortable responding to that at all. In a way I feel excited because this is truly a perfect situation with which to practice the tools. I know that I have goofed in places but I feel as though I am at least doing ok. Thanks ladies for your help!! You really did help…ALOT!

  144.  #144Cassandra on June 8, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Callista….your post came up in my email after I posted mine. Thank you for your post!! it was funny because just as I got his text and read it I really did feel ‘what the heck? Why doesn’t he get it?! I am NOT going over there even if his son is not home for a month.’ You are so right….he really is not listening to me at all and I do definitely feel unheard. he did tell me that he needed me there with him last night and I thought that was kind of odd in that we have only had 1 date. part of me thought it was sweet as I do like to feel needed but the bigger part of me was like hell no…..he sould not even be asking me to get out of my bed and come over there so he can ‘hold me’. i did feel offended in a sort of way and even now I definitely feel offended. it is….as has always been all about HIM! THANK YOU ALL FOR HELPING ME TO SEE THIS….FINALLY!!!! In the past I would have gone over there to be held but last night and even moreso tonight I feel pissed of and offended. What about me?! iam finally learning that like you said Callista if it is all about HIM this early….run like hell! Even looking back on the day….all of the energy has been going toward HIM. Well guess what? The power just went out!! I feel excited right now…I feel stronger and better than I have all day. Thanks Callista for your post!! ove toyou all!! XOXOXO

  145.  #145alias girl on June 8, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    thank you flipper. I appreciate your response and intentions of love and support. I feel really great that I feel confident and sure that what you say comes from a loving and supportive place. That ALWAYS feels really really great esp since I do not feel that with a lot of people in the world.

    i did give him another chance after feeling pretty confident that he was toxic and manipulative. so even after saying i feel manipulated and having him contact me a week later. i gave him another chance. i do not feel he was a bad guy. just clueless and toxic and probably an unrecovered alcholic with his two dui.

    i pursue this with you flipper as practice in trying have my feelings understood and validated in the world.

    i do hear you on giving myself and other people another chance. i do not want to invalidate your thoughts, opinions or feelings either.


    I am practicing. i feel gross. 🙂

  146.  #146Ann on June 8, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    First let me say my post or language isn’t meant to offend anyone. I’m just speaking from my feelings.

    Cassandra I think the other sirens have gave you some fantastic words of wisdom. You’re standing up for you-you go girl. Personally, I tell this guy something along these lines “I feel I’ve done everything I can to make my position of coming to your house clear. I don’t like this continued pressure and I refuse to subject myself to it any further. If you’d like to meet for dinner like we did before great. But I’m not engageing in this conversation any further.” Then don’t have any more of the going to his house conversation. If he gets angry and attacks then you could say I feel angry or judge or attacked.

    With my feelings the way they are right now I feel I would of got tire of him already. Reading how he’s pressuring you irrates the hell out of me. I want to say “Cassandra tell him to just go fuck off.”

    And as far as Charles goes sounds like he’s either drinking too much or talking out his ass. He might very well could fine someone else but not another women who would treat him any better than you do. In which lies part of the problem. Cassandra you treat him too good. When he’s being good to you and it feels good you should return the favor so to speak.

    But when he’s treating you like shit, I hope you find your anger soon and let him have it. I don’t necessarily mean yelling and screaming(altho, he might need some if that’s what you feel) but letting him know how much he’s hurting you. And even tho you live in his house it gives him no right to treat you that way. And I’d let him take care of his own damn mortgage. He can do it(according to him) let him do it. STOP being so good, sweet and caring to him.

    I want you to know something Cassandra. I am NOT in anyway calling myself being mean to you. I feel so triggered reading how these guys act like it’s ok to treat you this way. IT IS NOT OK. You sound like a beautiful, sweet, caring woman. Those men are fortunate to have you in their lives. They’re lucky I’m not there to tell them how much like jerks they’re acting.

    I hope I haven’t offended you and I still pray for you to find your anger. Hugs

  147.  #147Ann on June 8, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    Alias Girl I wanted to let you know I found out today you are ABSOLUTELY right. I called my hubby’s caseworker with the insurance company to see if she could speed some things up. She let me know there is a insurance called COBRA. It is FEDERAL law for your employer to tell you about this insurance. I told her they hadn’t mention it to us. We’d have to figure out how to pay for it but I feel so anger that they hadn’t told us about it.

    Right now I’m going through a thing where I want the men in my life to MAN UP. Meaning do what you can without having to be ask. My friend to face me-I have no plans at this time of going to him to discuss this. Things could of been out of his hands but he needs to MAN UP and speak about his decisions that affected us. If he wants my respect and a start at gaining my trust again he needs to MAN UP. I have no intentions of yelling at him, but I do intent to speak my feelings and if that includes letting the tears roll so be it. He can’t handle tears.

    I’m so tired of men acting like it ok for them to let the women take care of everything. MAN UP GUYS.

  148.  #148alias girl on June 8, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    i FEEL SO FANTASTIC.!!! omg. so right after i posted my response to flipper. i felt scared and nervous to do so. i have this attachment o being liked over my own exploration of experimenting in communication and boundaries sometimes.

    but as soon as i got back to my desk i had rev’d an antagonistic email from a coworker. normally my first response would be to passivley aggressively complain outloud to another coworker and then stuff my anger and not respond to the person i felt attacked by.

    well my passive aggressiveness yielded no good results and caused me to feel worse. so i used feeling messages. both with a nearby coworker and the person i felt attacked by. I FEEL BRILLIANT!

    but i was so scared and angry and shakey as i was trying to get in touch with how i felt. i felt really really scared. but then i composed my feeling message along with an i don’t want statment. omg. how empowering!!! i actually feel like i might one day outgrow this disgustingly toxic environment and move on from here! i feel very adult and non blaming and taking care of my goddeessess self while still not stuffing my rage and not pretending it doesn’t bother me.

    I FEEL FANTASTIC.! yae! yae! yae! rori’s tools are the keys to unlocking my dreams coming true. finally finally. I MADE A GIANT STEP BY DOING THIS JUST NOW. It may seem little but it is huge huge huge bc i never draw boundaries (ok i just exaggerated when i said never) but not like i want to because i am scared of losing my job or people not liking me. but people here don

  149.  #149alias girl on June 8, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    people i work with don’t want to be my friends as far as i can tell. they are my coworkers only. so why would i care so much if they like me or why am i trying sooooooo hard to please them and be a good friend back to them?

    and the fact that i feel like my life/survival is dependent on this job is just a recreation of my childhood and so i was so scared to speak my truth.


    AND I JUST GOT AN EMAIL BACK SAYING SHE (whoa all caps) saying a good message to me and i emailed her back apologizing for misterpretting her actions . i feel good. 🙂

  150.  #150alias girl on June 8, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    ah COBRA, Ann. that’s the word i was searching for. great! i feel so glad that you will get those extra three months. bc even if the cost of that is high it will be waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy less than the medical bills. good. i feel very good you went and found that out.

    i feel sad you feel so betrayed. i sometimes run into girly men who don’t MANUP. also to do with unresloved issues with my father who i perceive as weak in many many ways. i feel sad i feel that way about my father.

    i feel hopeful you will find a goddessey way to express your truth to these men who are letting you down, ann. i feel challenged by those very situations bc it triggers my RAGE and disdain and disgust.

  151.  #151Flipper on June 8, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    Yayyyy Alias Girl! And no question of me not liking you – I definitely do. And I like what you say and especially That You Say It.

    Amen, Ann, ah men!!!! I had one complaining to me today that there were no other men when he went out and did stuff (activities), and even when there was a bloke or 2, he recognized that it was the women who did everything, and very well at that. Also, that men didn’t act like friends to each other. (He’s just a pal, not a romantic interest, but I’m practicing not putting up with all his grumbling, and saying feeling messages when he flakes, which is regularly.)

  152.  #152Ann on June 8, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    Alias Girl “hands clapping” you spoke your truth to your coworker. I’m glad it worked out. I feel thrilled that you felt good about speaking your truth.

    I will be checking into COBRA more. I hope we can find a way to afford it.

    I feel total alignment with you about that feeling of RAGE. I feel a little bad about what I’m fixing to say but then again I live here,and know what goes on here and I’ve always been a honest person.

    It will be 4 weeks tomorrow since my hubby had surgery. I feel like I’m going to have to figuritively put a foot up his ass to get him to help take care of his self. By that I mean to get him to do things I dang well know he’s capable of doing.

    I’m trying to get some rooms cleared out for a yard sale. Alot of toys here. I care out a plastic eilsel awhile ago it wasn’t heavy just bundlesome. I didn’t ask him to carry it out. I did ask him to take a water hose to it(dusty and probably has spiders in it) he tells me he can’t someone else will have to. WTF he can’t squirt it with a hose.

    Just now I told him I was going to fix the grandbaby a tv dinner. He could fix him one after I did hers. No he doesn’t want to cook his. I don’t mind HELPING him I do mind waiting on him when it isn’t necessary. I told him I was having a big problem with him acting like he couldn’t help take care of hisself. He left the room. I don’t feel guilty he’s needs to MAN UP TOO.

  153.  #153alias girl on June 8, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    thnx flipper 🙂

    i feel like SUPER GODDESS ANGEL WITH WINGS FLOATING ON A CLOUD! i just took a trip to the restroom to see if i looked any different since i feeeeeeel so different. and i do! my face looks softer. i look really soft. aw. i feel prettier when my face looks soft.

    i feel like if i can do this consistently then i can effectively and gracefully and healthily deal with being triggered. and if i can handle my own rage then i will be able to tolerate other’s difficult feelings when they get triggered by my actions. And then i can HAVE REAL RELATIONSHIPS! i feel SO EXCITED. yae. no more speration and alienation and loneliness. yae! negotiation and reciprocity and good will up ahead! yae!

    i feel beautiful.

  154.  #154Ann on June 8, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    Flipper your post came in while I was typing mine above. I understand exactly what you’re saying. They’re being flaking, passive aggressive and dang right feminine acting. I’m a woman I want the men in my life to take care of me. Not meaning I can’t think and do for myself, meaning just because I can think and do for mysef I don’t won’t you to put everything off on me.

    MAN UP Guys. It looks like if women are trying to learn how to speak in a way a man can hear, be more feminine and authenic then to me it would be smart for the men to learn how to be the man women want.

    I AM NOT trying to man bash I’m just getting tried of wishy washy feminine acting men. How can we recieve when they aren’t giving?

  155.  #155JNB on June 8, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    I had an experience with a feminine man who I ended up dating for 7 months, and I felt so dissatisfied being with him and could never really pinpoint why. I’d dated him in high school for awhile so I already knew him when we started dating again. There was no courtship process. We met each other in person after having talked on the internet for a couple of months…met at HIS apartment. He’d bought me a gift (it was Christmas time) but he never attempted to take me out on dates or even to dinner. He always came to my house or I went to his. At first I tried to entice him out when I would go out dancing with my girlfriends but he would never meet me, which was so frustrating because he was co-owner of a bar that I’d hang out at. He would go meet friends and have a drink there but never invite or take me. He would offer to pay for my gas so that I would drive to see him but he would never offer to buy me dinner. The one time he did (after much prodding on my part) he talked me out of a nine dollar entree and into getting a five dollar one. I felt so undervalued! Like I’m not worth the FOUR dollar difference of the two meals? We were at a specialty restaurant and I’d wanted to try a house favorite. Instead I got a cold sandwhich appetizer! I feel angry that I didn’t stand up for what I wanted at that moment. This man would come to my house, always bringing gifts for my daughter. He even bought them for my dog. He had my initial TATTOOED on his chest! But he wouldn’t bother being creative enough to plan a date for me. He never even took me to the movies. After reading how strong all of you have been, I feel even more ashamed that I tolerated this treatment. The relationship finally got to a point where he’d just come to my house to watch DVD’s and have sex. I finally broke it off with him, explaining I felt underappreciated, felt like he must be embarrassed of me if he wouldn’t take me out on a date. I explained that if it had to do with money that I’d been equally pleased with a quiet homemade picnic in the park. Yet, I knew this didn’t have anything to do with money. He never spared a dime on himself. When he would call me (on a schedule of once every three days, only talking for 30 minutes each time) he would tell me about all the new books, dvds, cds he’d boughten for himself. This man didn’t call nor get me even a CARD for my birthday. That was the last straw. I had to end it at that point because I was feeling so much resentment that I could barely stand to have him touch me. I broke it off with him, explaining to him again that I felt unloved, uncared for because he failed to address my requests for a proper courtship. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me, that he’d drive the two hour trip to tell me in person if that’s what it took, that I was his one true love. I told him it was too late. His lack of action cost me my feelings for him. A few days later he sent me an email with some mumbo jumbo that he’d talked to his therapist about my reasons for breaking up with him, and this therapist told him I had some misplaced “rescue” fantasy that I was looking for a man to take care of me. WOW, yeah. I was paying for his dinners, paying for gas for a two hour round trip commute to see him, and yet it was ME who was looking to be rescued and taken care of. And when I think back on it, all the emails I got from him, anytime we’d talk about the relationship, he used feeling messages on me. He was extremely skilled at using them. I do remember him once telling me that therapy had gotten him in touch with his feelings, helped him express it better. I often wonder if some therapists train all their patients, regardless of gender, to use feeling messages. I feel confused being angry about this because men are entitled to their emotions too, but the way I felt with this guy, I felt so icky. I didn’t like having the power in the relationship. He was such a nice guy and now I feel angry about that. He really could be a great boyfriend to someone if there was a way he could find a masculine energy woman. But how many of those are out there?

  156.  #156Ann on June 8, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    JNB first let me say I’ve read your comments you seem like smart strong women to me. Each of us our at a different place in our growth.

    Let me tell you ladies I feel terrified of losing this community. I mean not being able to get on a computer and speak my truth here and connect with the other sirens.

    When I was talking to my hubby’s lady caseworker this morning I used feeling messages. So well that as I was hanging up the phone my daughter tapped me on the back and said you need to say those things to our friend. She had tears in her eyes she said he needed to feel that pain. I said I had no problem talking to him like that but I did have a problem chasing him down. He needs to man up.

    I’m so exhausted tonight but I feel so thankful to know the ladies hear.

  157.  #157Ann on June 8, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    I could have took this to the Twilight post but this post seems to be active at the moment so put it here. You will have to take the link out of this post and put it back together. I put spaces in it so it would post on here now(I hope lol)

    This review is by a man. He describes exactly what I mean by MAN UP

  158.  #158Ann on June 8, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    Since the post I was trying to post is waiting moderation and I really wanted you ladies to see what I just read.

    Please click on my name above it will take you to a link on my blog. This man in his reveiw of Twilight describes a big part of what I mean by MAN UP.

  159.  #159Rori Raye on June 8, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    Great article – totally, totally true. Rori

  160.  #160Linmayu on June 8, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    Alias Girl, I feel bad that I wasn’t there for you when you really needed attention–and I honor you for speaking that simply and honestly here.

    I’ve felt in the same/similar boat on occasion, more so recently. I always feel compelled to justify why I should be still allowed to post, even.

    Ann, I love your anger, your energy of being completely fed up with men who can’t or won’t man up. I totally see this shifting, now that you’ve found the words for it.

  161.  #161Ann on June 8, 2009 at 8:43 pm

    Thank you Linmayu. Have you noticed the last few times I’ve posted to you I used this ID(the one you use now)? When I read you prefer it I told myself I should respect your wishes 🙂 I’ve been meaning to tell you I admire the way you speak about God and your relationship with him.

    My anger right now translates into I’m tired of doing for men. It’s time to focus on me more.

    What the guy wrote in his Twilight reveiw is what I want from all the men in my life. And I don’t won’t to have to give them instructions.

    Yes even the courted part. What I mean by that is do good things for me so I can recieve. Because I damn well desreve to be treated good.

    MAN UP my new mantra at the moment

  162.  #162Tina on June 8, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    ok, Im good with the courting and gift giving, family meets , being saved from evil vampires, I’m just not feeling sure about the blood sucking, feels to me my energy is being drained, however he did say he would not have sex with her, instead he would play cards, picnic , ok fine suck my blood, introduce me to mama and play some cards with me then hm. Im not feeling so sure about this. I will defininately watch this movie when it comes out on dvd (with my man) oh I dont know what to call him anymore, this is were I go into self beating mode – dobby thats his name the little creature on harry potter. I love dobby lol

  163.  #163Ann on June 8, 2009 at 8:52 pm

    Tina the movie is already out on DVD I got mine at Walmart.

    To me the blood sucking means he CAN NOT live without her. He wants her SO bad. She is #1 with him. He’d do anything to make her happy.

  164.  #164Tina on June 8, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    I cant wait , I feel so excited about ordering Roris book tomorrow. Yippee!. I didnt wait by the phone, he may have called but I dont know lol. I do care, I just feel to cook the salmon and make sandwiches with tea. I washed the rock, it is my first stepping stone. I plan to make steps going to down to the woods and taking photos , I feel hopeful that I will have all my steps completed before the end of the season. I’m spray painting the rocks a royal blue color, the same as the old iron head board I found and painted.

  165.  #165Tina on June 8, 2009 at 9:21 pm


    lol Oh, I dont watch t.v and I’m not up on the movie listings, I just go by what I hear from people. I do have a tv and a dvd player though. I usually by the features , I think 3 (on one dvd) for ten/fifteen bucks. Oh my god , my son is telling me we in fact have it lol. ok , I”m going to watch it. He says the sound and picture are off lol. It is burned to disc.

  166.  #166alias girl on June 8, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    ann i loved that article. thanks for posting the link. i feel really excited how things seem to be turning towards courtship and love and caring and romance and protection and supreme desire. i mean if i am manifesting it on the outside in movies and articles and e roses from online suitors i feel i must be on the right track! yae! i feel really good about that and excited. ooooh i can literally feel the excitement in my feels like a race car zooimng around a track inside my body. zrooooommmmmmm. phew oooh that feels good. mm mm.

    jnb i realte to what you wrote and your experience with financially withholding girleyman. i sadisticall feel pleasure that he has your initial on his chest. oh now i feel bad. dang. i need to go back to that racecar feeling. ok i take back my mean comment.

    some men just haven’t found their masculinity yet. just like i wasn’t really being very feminie until i found rori’s tools. some can evolve though.

    and some can’t.

    i don’t think my I -Feel -Punished ex is going to evolve. i feel bad for him too bc he really likes me. 🙂 not enough to MANUP apparently though.

    i feel happy to keep having my goddess adventures with other men and learn how to receive better and better and more ROMANTIC treatment.

    linmayu thank you. everything happens for the best. turned out to be a really good thing i left the blog for a while ( i broke up with siren island because i could not figure out how to get my needs met. 🙂 ) but i appreciate your words.

  167.  #167Tina on June 9, 2009 at 12:46 am

    This is the same movie I tried watching 3 times. I felt bored from the beginning of the movie all those times. I would feel to turn it off and watch something else. Flying around on the back of a vampire would be pretty cool though. This time I watched it from beginning to end. I had the same feelings of boredom, I really felt I had to pay attention, I felt as though I was doing an assignment. I was starting to feel turned on by the vampire – in a mental/thinking/feeling, sort of way – he is a handsome vampire. For some reason he cant read her thoughts. Oh, I dont know, I feel doubt, maybe Im missing the point. I feel as though my vampire man is kinda well, like a vampire, sorta dead. I feel my energy draining away. Ok so maybe it wont be so bad if he just bit me on my neck.

  168.  #168Mercedes on June 9, 2009 at 7:48 am

    WOW! Cassandra! So much going on with you and I’m sooooo proud of you! I feel you getting stronger and stronger every day!

    When it comes to Dinner Boy…yeah…I agree with the ladies. You can use him for practice (although I’d use him less for practicing feeling messages and more for practicing standing up for myself and telling him EXACTLY what’s on my mind…but then again, I suck at feeling messages anyway and sometimes prefer a more “In-your-face-cut-you-off-at-the-knees” kind of approach) or…you can hang up the phone and never answer it again. Either way, I see you can see him for who/what he is and I’m so proud of you for that! Really cool! 🙂

    Grrrr!!!! I really hate men like that!! They’re so sure of their ability to get us into bed that they don’t give up! As I was reading all you wrote, I kept thinking…”If he’s this persistent and disrespectful on the phone, imagine what he’d be like if she actually went over there”. And to blatently tell you he wants to hide you from his son…WTF?!? And to try to make you feel guilty by telling you he “needs” you. BS!!! He NEEDS to get laid and he WANTS that to be with YOU but cares NOTHING for YOU! My guess is he’s not having any better luck with any other woment either. Hold you MY ASS!! He’s a jerk and if you’d like me to come there and throw a little Mercedes in his face, I’d be happy to…really would actually ENJOY it!! 🙂 Yes…feeling a little psycho today…LOL

    I know things are hard with Charles too. This is a man who is taking you for granted and walking all over you every chance he gets. I would, if I were you, stop overfunctioning right now. I know you feel you need to do these things to “earn your keep”, but what’s he doing to “earn your company?” He’s blessed to have you. He takes you for granted so much that he can’t see the things you do. So…I suggest you go on strike. Do NOTHING for him. When he brings it up, tell him you’re trying to make sure his “I-Can-Do-Better” woman has something to do when she gets there. In the meantime, while you both wait for her to show up, you’re too busy to help him out because you’re looking for a job and focusing on yourself. You’re writing your resume and filling out applications and putting said resume on, etc…simply too busy to help. By the way, I moved a LONG way away from home for a job I found on Monster….the company I now work for paid for the move, paid for two plane tickets plus hotel for me to interview, etc. If nothing else, even if you’re pretty sure you don’t want to move, get your resume out there and see what the world has to offer. It will keep you busy while Charles tries to find a mother to take care of him.

    If that doesn’t work, let me know and I’ll be on a plane to throw a little Mercedes in his face too. Oh…by the way…the way I handle things rarely works to get a man to have “fall in love with you” kind of feelings…it does give them “oh God psycho female I hope she isn’t packing a gun” feelings. So…don’t call me unless you never want to see these men again! LOL Just kidding…I do tend to go CRAZY on disrespectful men though and while it’s happening, I really believe what I’m saying and afterwards…well…they have a little trouble looking me in the eye and I’m guessing if I unleashed on either of these two men for you, it would be YEARS before they were able to so much as dial your number again…but…alas…maybe my way isn’t the BEST way…

    Ok…LOL…I’m half kidding about most of that and feeling a litte off balance today….but…I care for you and hate that this is happening!!

    So…I typed all of this twice. Lost the first one. Or it posted and I can’t see it yet. Either way…it means the same no matter how I word it so if you all get to see me rant and rave about Cassandra’s slime ball excuses for men twice…at least you’ll know how much I meant it…

    LOL!! GRRRRRRRR!!!!! Talk about destroying planets??? I’m IN!

    Much Love (and ummm…lots of passionate anger today….),

  169.  #169Mercedes on June 9, 2009 at 7:57 am

    Umm….my whole’s on a thread that says “Instantly Change a Bad Moment into an Intimate Moment”. LOL I think it fits under “Unleash the Anger” better….heehee..

    My anger unleashed and in no way gonna make for an intimate moment for Cassandra and either of these losers!! Cassandra: Do you just hate me? God…I’m opinionated and blunt. I really do think these men are slime but…that’s not fair for me to write here. I can’t really apologize for it because I don’t feel sorry…but…I hope I didn’t trigger anything or hurt your feelings. I know you care for Charles a lot…it’s probably not fun to hear someone like me go off on him.. 🙁

    Much Love,

  170.  #170Tina on June 9, 2009 at 11:36 pm


    How long have you been living with Charles?. just curious.

  171.  #171Cassandra on June 10, 2009 at 8:02 am

    I FEEL SO ANGRY! I HAD A POST ALMOST READY TO POST AND I HIT SOME WRONG KEY AND THE WHOLE THINGS DISAPPEARED!! GRRRRRR!! I qwill try to remember what exactly I had said cuz that is what was on my heart at that moment! GRRRRRRRR!

    Mercedes……your post meant so so much to me! Thank you. It really meant alot to me to hear you say that you felt proud of me because I feel so much admiration for you and so so want to be at the point that you are in- in your own journey so thatnk you for that. You ahve worked so hard and the results are so clear and I want to be there with you! I do actually feel proud of myself as well and that does feel really great. I loved what you said about me perhaps now trying to focus more on the standing up for myself instead of the feeling messages and I could not agree more. One thing though that I am noticing… the more that I am immersed in using my feeling messages the more that I am noticing that I am not always AWARE of EXACTLY what it is that I am feeling. I get the main emotions…..happy, sad,angry, fear…all of those but the more detailed emotions beyond those bigger ones I seem to have trouble pin pointing what it is that I am feeling…..exactly. I do feel that I have become pretty good at feeling messages overall but I now have to figure out how to know EXACTLY what it is that I am feeling in any given moment beyond those ‘standard’ emotions so that I can communicate that exact feeling. You are so right though about standing up for myself and I feel that whenever I talk to dinner boy. I definitely want to keep him around and not hang up the phone though because he is like the perfect situation for me to practice in/ with. WOW…that sounds really horrible of me and I don’t like how that feels….I feel like I am using him in a way and I don’t mean anything mean by it at all but his mannerisms and character and communication style for me are so so so triggering and so this really is perfect practice for me. On a personal level though I do enjoy SOME of our conversations but he does trigger me….alot with what I had percieved to be control but I am now questioning if it is not really control but neediness! I have noticed that most conversations are either about him or what he wants to talk about and when we get to me, what I am feeling, wanting, needing, or even doing I can feel him tune out or drift off in a way and that feels icky to me. I told him that though in a feeling message and he said that he did not realize that and would try to be more aware of that. His response surprised me in a way but the fact is is that he is on a mission to get what he wants so of course he would respond with a positive response! I love your passion Mercedes! I had to giggle when you were talking about coming here to throw a little Mercedes in his face! I loved that and it felt good to hear that and it made me feel protected which felt good. I want to get to where I feel protected my ME though and that is what I am trying to work with – with him. He is most definitely all about him and what he wants, needs etc that is quite clear and the more that we talk the more that I am wondering if it is even worth practicing with him. I feel like he is kind of getting on my nerves just like JNB said she dealt with in that guyu she talked about. The other thing that I have noticed with him though is that he always talks about me coming over to his place but not about taking me to dinner, a picnic in the park, a walk…whatever….it is ALWAYS about me coming over there which I am simply NOT going to do. I see what he is doing and I am not putting myself in that situation. That feels good.

    Charles…..I totally get what you said about not doing for him anymore and you are right but I do feel afriad that if I don’t do the things that I am doing that he will kick me out. I do feel such a strong sense of having to ‘earn my keep’ and it feels awful! I do feel HUGE fear about that. Not only that but one minute things are great with him – well as great as they can be given the circumstances and who he is – mind you…..I am WELL aware that just because things were good for a little while he is still who he is and is not going to change! That feels horrible to know but that is reality and I do know that but I do still sometimes wish that there was a chance for us even though my head knows that there is not. Each time I think of the things that he has said to me ….I just hurt. He left for the road yesterday and we did talk a little before he left and he said that he does not know what he wants and he did tell me that he does in some ways feel stuck with me because I am here and OMG did that ever hurt. I have known that though for a long time and I have also known that he really honestly does think that he can do better. That must be why he is 43 and has never even been in a serious relationship until I came along….I have been the only one stupid enough to put up with him! You had me laughing outloud when you were talking about “unleashing a little Mercedes on these two” to which I respond…..come on!! I love that passion and Alot of times I wish that I was more like that! I want to get to where I have the strength to walk away…well actually get this…I felt so proud of this yesterday……I forgot about this until I was writing about walking away……
    Dinner Boy had called and asked me to have lunch so I agreed because I thought it was going to be OUT. Then he asked me if we could meet at his place and I told him that I felt extremely uncomfortable with that and frustrated that he was not listening to me and that I felt it best that I just move forward with my original plans for the day and then that I had to go. We hung up the phone and I fully expected to never hear fromhim again BUT in a way with that conversation I DID WALK AWAY and that felt great!! I never expected to hear from him again but…..10 minutes later I get a text asking me if I know where such and such restuarant is and would i meet him there – that was the only time so far since I have talked with him that he has asked me to meet him out….all other times it has been asking me tocome to his place except for that experience yesterday.

    Mercedes……I could never hate you!!! I feel so connected to you and such admiration for your and your strength…I wish I could give you a huge hug! I can totally understand how it must feel to see someone that you care about be hurt like this….i think of that often. I often think to myself what if so and so were in this position what would I do or tell her? and boy do I ever trigger myself doing that!! My situation is simply a bad situation and that is why I am looking for jobs every single day and focusing on getting my business going so that I can generate an income and move! No – i don’t want to leave here but I have to for my own sanity and peace. Part of me hates him for playing GOD with my life the way that he has. I am trying to get ME back on track though as best I can and use every single situation that I can to learn and grow in ME and gain that strength that I so desperately want and NEED! I love you girl and so admire you!! Thanks for being the awesome Goddess and role model that you are for me. I do love you!!

    Tina….I gave up my entire life to move here to marry Charles and hemoved me here on January 5 2008. The whole sordid story is posted on one of the very first posts but I can’t remember which one. I will try to find it for you so that you can see what has transpired and what kind of situation I really am in. I am so looking forward to dancing!! When do we leave?

    I am so sorry that my posts are always so doggone long…..I feel embarassed and small becasue of that. I am sorry guys.
    Love to you all….

  172.  #172Callista on June 10, 2009 at 8:28 am

    Just a quick note… I totally “get” that you want to keep him around to practice because he triggers you. I was in the same mode for a long time. Then one day, I woke up, and was like, “Why? Why am I doing this to myself?” I realized that I had been having this sense that I needed to stick around FOR MYSELF, to teach myself some sort of lesson, to practice, to be able to one day leave the relationship knowing I had done everything “right” from my end. Then it hit me – I don’t owe it to anyone – including myself – to stick around a bad situation. What I owe myself is to treat MYSELF kindly first, instead of worrying about treating anyone else kindly at my expense. In other words, if he’s triggering you, YOU DON’T NEED TO PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THAT. You need to remember the part of Rori’s teachings that say “…and it FEELS GOOD.” If it doesn’t feel good, drop him like a hot potato and make way for someone who does make you feel good. Great, you got triggered, you used feeling messages, you learned, now you get to GRADUATE from this guy and his triggers (before it’s too late and you get sucked in!!!) and move on to Mr. Doesn’t Trigger Me At All. Congratulations!

  173.  #173Cassandra on June 10, 2009 at 8:51 am

    Hi Callista…I loved your post and I thought about exactly what you are saying a few days ago. Dinner boy and I do have some nice conversations at times but it has only been lately that there has been such intense pressure to ‘come over’. Not al of our conversations trigger me….I guess it is just most of them lately since he ‘needs me so much’! LOL I am kidding of course but I can definitely see what you are saying. The conversations that dont’ feel good are the ones tht are pressure filled and needy/ controlling the other ones are actually pretty nice although the nice ones do seem to be getting fewer and fewer. I was using this situation in a circular dating way so get my focus OFF of Charles and what is going on here at home and also to practice the tools so I guess I saw this as a perfect opportunity. I can definitely see what you are saying though about the parts that don’t feel good. I must say thought that I do feel proud of alot of the things that I have done with this situation! I have never walked away from anything like I did yesterday after that phone call about lunch and that did feel really great. I was however totally shocked that not only did he call back but then he made arrangements for us to have lunch somewhere OUT. I really do feel good about that and am really trying to stand strong on how I feel, what I am and am not comfortable with and what I will and will not do, etc. Part of me does feel that even though some of this experience does not feel good I do feel that I am moving forward in a big way with learning to stand up for myself…say NO…..and use those feelings messages and now even walk away if I don’t feel ok. You are right though in that I don’t owe it to anyone to stick around and I defintely know that the time is coming where I will walk away and stay away because I don’t feel good about talking with him or spending any time at all with him- the funny thing there is that usually when I expect something like that – the time when it will be time to stay away – things don’t ususally play out how you expect so I am trying to just focus totally on the tools and learning to use them. With what I am dealing with Ican’t even imagine how it would feel to be with a Mr. Doesn’t Trigger Me At All and it feels awful to acknowledge that. I have no clue what that would even feel like at this point. I think that it just hit me how deeply this situation is really affecting me! I am walking on such a HUGE bed of eggshells so as not to disturb any peace that there is here at home that I am twisting myself into a pretzel to do so and that feels horrible! I so desperately want to graduate from ALL of this and get to where I want to be within myself and in my life! Thank you so much foryour insight and you are so right! I feel SO glad that you graduated from that!!

  174.  #174Callista on June 10, 2009 at 9:28 am

    Thanks for your post. I feel a bit embarrassed to admit I have not graduated from my toxic situation yet. I can just see your situation turning into mine and I’m cautioning you to get out now before it’s too late, which is where I’m stuck now. I’m still going through my journey of discovery, and what I shared was a recent revelation of mine. I can’t answer the question of why I’m still here other than the opportunity for practicing feeling messages/other tools/standing up for myself and that he “needs” me. But I’m telling you I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to stay, and I think when we do that, it’s like we’re punishing ourselves if it doesn’t feel good. I have checked out of the relationship emotionally and I just feel sort of obligated to stick it out for some reason I can’t explain, as long as he isn’t hurting me anymore. So, it doesn’t feel wonderful, it just feels neutral. It’s a long distance thing so most of the time it feels like I’m not even in a relationship anyway, and I’m completely happy and content by myself. Anyway, sorry I gave you the wrong idea… I’m not as strong as you think, but I wanted to save you from a similar fate as mine. The longer you stay the harder it gets to leave and a man like that will make you do mental gymnastics that you don’t have a chance against. You’ll end up confused and unsure of yourself most of the time and your self esteem will go down. I don’t want that for you. But, do what you think is right and stay as long as it feels good.

  175.  #175Cassandra on June 10, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    HI Callista……I am so sorry that you are in such an awful feeling position and that the man that is in your life is so needy! I feel sad about that for you….I am in a similar position with the man that i was supposed to marry and that I currently live with….Charles. I think that you and I were talking about Dinner Boy which is someone that I have talked to on the phone and had 1 dinner with and then lunch yesterday. I am trying to circular date – in a way but he is the only man that I have spent time with other than Charles and I don’t know anyone else here so I guess it really is not circular dating. I was trying top get my vibe/ focus OFF of Charles and so did go to dinner and had lunch yesterday with dinner boy…that moniker makes me giggle…..anyway but that is it. At 1 point I was talking to a pastor that turned out to be nuts but that has been it. I so want to get my focus off of Charles and do rori’s tools and so that was why i have been trying to practice with dinner boy. That was all…..I am defintiely NOT in any sort of relationship with him at all….we have just talked on the phone and seen one another 2 times. I DO know what you mean though about the mental gymnastics as I have to do them every single day with Charles…I never know what to expect with him and that is where those awful eggshells come from soI can relate to that! I am so trying to BUILD my esteem and strengthen all of that not go the other way so thank you so much for your input and I will be praying that your situation continues to get better and better and that you will find that place where you feel good about you all the time! that is what I am trying to do as well so we can try to help each other! Thanks Callista!! hugs to you!

  176.  #176Tara on July 5, 2009 at 9:26 am

    Hello- I still have very strong feelings for my ex. He says that if we are friends first that we can “build something stronger”. He also says that we should “be friends…and see what happens..let life happen how it happens, and stop forcing things to happen…”
    It bothers me that he then told me about some sexual mishap that he had recently with some random girl…
    Yuck! I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with hearing about that, and he said “well, we’re “friends” right?, I have nothing to hide from you…”
    Plus, there is no physical touching, no hugs or kissing, etc. No “it’s nice to see you”-nothing. I feel like he’s keeping me on the “backburner” or “just in case” something or someone else doesn’t work out.
    I know i deserve better, and why do I want HIM?
    My friends tell me I should move on, but I still love him.
    He doesn’t seem to “care’ how i feel, about anything. If I say “I like this song ” aboutthe songs that are on the radio, he says “I hate that song” , but then I will hear him say to his mom or niece that the particular song “isn’t too bad…as long as its not played out..”
    so it’s only with ME!!
    I try to listen to him and respond to his problems and fears. I even often to help out. But I have recently stopped doing that..I tell him how I feel, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I tell him that I don’t like how he talks to me or whatever..And he just says “stop “allowing” yourself to get hurt..”
    What the heck does that mean???
    Please help!

  177.  #177Pooja on July 23, 2009 at 10:19 pm

    Okay, here is my confusing situation:

    The guy I like is going thru a really bad time right now. He doesn’t have a job and because he’s not a citizen, it’s so much harder for him to find something.. and if he doesn’t find something soon, he will have to leave the country before being able to finish his masters degree (just one year left). I feel so incredibly bad for him. I’ve done so much to help him and he really appreciates that and I think we both really like each other.. but at one point he told me he couldn’t pursue anything because of his uncertain situation. I totally understood that. So, while I continue to talk to other people, I still talk to him and I hope things would work out one day.

    Anyways, on to the recent situation. I asked him if he had plans for the weekend. He said ‘haha nice joke’.. then he said ‘you really don’t get it do you? you act as if i’m a normal person. what can i do if i don’t have a penny in my pocket?’ I told him that there are things to do which don’t cost money. He asked ‘like what?’ and I said he could just go around with friends, not necessarily spending any money. He said ‘what else do you think I do? that’s all we ever do.. it’s not fun anymore.. and hardly a plan… your optimism is just too much at times, really.’ That just hurt me sooo much. I told him that I have no way of knowing what he does because he’s never told me and if I’m trying to help him I don’t appreciate him blaming me for that just because I don’t know something about his life. I told him that that doesn’t make me feel good. He then said “blaming you… ok fine, i won’t say anything to you. sorry to bother you.” and then he signed off (this was in chat… which I’ve found is the perfect tool if you want to create a misunderstanding! =P).

    I called him but he didn’t answer.. so I left a message and told him that maybe I shouldn’t have used the word ‘blame’ but that when he said what he said, I felt criticized and if he didn’t mean it that way, then great, but nonetheless that’s how it was interpreted. I further added that because it’s in chat, I guess we both misunderstood each other. I asked him to call me back or come online so we can talk about it. He didn’t respond. So I texted him and told him I wanted to talk to him about this and resolve it because it’s not fun to feel like this… no response. It’s been like 2 hrs now =P

    I just don’t know what to do. My mom tells me I shouldn’t do anything now because I’ve already done enough and it’s his turn. I know this is true and I read similar things in this blog but I just don’t know how to fix things. Maybe he will get over it and come back and apologise which would be great but if tomorrow goes by and I don’t hear from him then I don’t know what to do… I just don’t want him to think that whatever the misunderstanding was is actually reality.

    I’m probably overreacting for nothing and maybe by the time anyone reads this he will have patched up with me. But, I need to know how to handle this sort of situation. It’s sooo confusing and I really don’t know how to avoid these things happening.. it seems like we always have misunderstandings so I think something is going on in our communication. Any suggestions??



  178.  #178Staci on November 2, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Im new. Im in a relationship with a very sucessful man with offices all over the world so he is often traveling. Much of our conversation is via text. Ive taken a step back from him for many reasons, including the time and distance apart. Truth is that I have strong love for him and may decide to accept the time and distance away. Im still deciding. Im having problems with the feeling messages. They seem awkward, especially by text. For example, we made dinner plans for his arrival in a week and after some exchanges regarding my new found strenght in my carreer (with his advise). He joked and “I just dont like you anymore” Im sure he was being sarcastic and witty but it doesnt look nice in writing. I sat with it for a bit to see how I felt and it still hurt. I tried to use a feeling message, like, “That felt bad” but Im confused that it is blaming his action for my feelings. So, I went with the, “Not nice :-(” . Im sure this was an “attack” now that I look back. How do I say what it was that made me feel without blaming or attacking….

  179.  #179Rori Raye on November 2, 2009 at 3:58 pm

    Staci, Welcome…and I’m so sorry you feel you have to be so careful…and I know it’s because of the scarcity of physical contact…texts become important. Honesty becomes really, really important, here, because otherwise the difficult relationship gets even more superficial. How about, for texting, simple things, like “Ouch.” Or “Ick.” Or…”Ouch. I’m just a girl here…that doesn’t feel good.” You can use those little speeches over and over and over again, and then he’ll know where you’re at. Maybe they’ll get deeper discussions going you can continue by phone (DON’T do deep discussions by text. Stay short and to the point and feeling message-y). I hope you decide against an exclusive relationship with a man who is rarely with you. It might be a brilliant non-exclusive relationship – and perhaps he’d be fine with that. Otherwise, you should be traveling with him to give him exclusive claim to you – married, engaged…or if you’re very young…just having a wonderful time…Love, Rori