Instructions for Installing Love on the Human Computer

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Just got this in my inbox from Arielle Ford at soulmatesecret.com:

Dear Soulmate Manifesters,

I am thrilled to share with you this very insightful piece on: Instructions for Installing Love on the Human Computer.

Tech Support: Yes, how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?

Customer: Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don’t know how to. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error – Program not run on external components.” What should I do?

Tech Support: Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running.
One more thing before we hang up.
Love is Freeware.
Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

CREATOR, aka, Tech Support: You’re Welcome, Anytime.

Wishing you love, laughter, and magical kisses,

Arielle

p.s. Special thanks to the unknown author who wrote this and to Monte and Amy, authors of The Soulmate Path for sending this beautiful piece of wisdom to me. Visit them at TheEnchantedWorld.com.

Arielle is very cool…she’s all over TV, radio, the news, and she speaks all over…her focus is on finding your soulmate…you can find her at soulmatesecret.com

Love, Rori

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375 Comments

  1.  #1Softy on June 4, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Taste of love Its so beautiful and meaningful..
    Thanks God

    Love you Rori..



  2.  #2Laughing goddess on June 5, 2010 at 12:20 am

    Wow! I feel VERY GOOD reading this post.

    Wow wow wow!



  3.  #3Neytiri on June 5, 2010 at 9:15 am

    Nice!! Very needed, I’ve been in a bad mood today, and Im feeling numbed-out.
    I get so angry sometimes…



  4.  #4Daria on June 5, 2010 at 10:07 am

    I’m with my meetup group about to visit a natural cattle ranch and buy grassfed beef. Going on the trip was my ideA. Ttheres 25 people now.

    I feel shy small talking but I got up at 6 easy and when we were 4 people I felt comfy. Oh yeah, melt!



  5.  #5Ankita on June 5, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    So soothing… I feel relaxed and soothed reading this….

    Feeling my heart open up, getting over past hurts, grudge and resentments erasing, and love coming in….

    Heavenly…!!



  6.  #6Ankita on June 5, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Wow..

    Today at bank I charmed the bank manager to give me preference over other peoples.. OMG.. Simply loved the experience…

    And while I was sitting in his cabin, when he had to go out once, he apologized to me and asked to be excused…

    All the while, i was only sitting calmly and patiently in front of him, looking at him, whenever he looked in my direction….

    After my work was over, I smiled at him and said, “thank you,”, then went out and brought my mom along with me, for her net banking… He was already dealing with 3 other guys, but as soon as I stood on his door, and said in somewhat whispering and hissing voice, “Will I be delayed?”, he threw all 3 guys work at one side, and called me in, and did mom’s work….

    My mom loved me for it.. She never knew what hit him…. She said that I was an advantage for her… Ummm.. Loved it…. 😉



  7.  #7Jennifer on June 5, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    Wow, I’m kinda poking around POF. There are some good looking new guys but several of them seem soooooooo angry!
    They keep talking about getting burned and “if you wanna play games join a club”
    Ohhh.
    I feel shrinking and small.
    I feel nervous.
    I wanted to contact some of them but after reading thier posts, I feel hesitant.
    Wow.
    like Heaviness in my chest.



  8.  #8Sweetpea on June 5, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    Aaah! Circular Dating Hell!!!!

    I don’t know what to do! I went out with a guy for the first time Wed night and now he will not leave me alone! I feel frustrated! I don’t know what to do. I told him repeatedly yesterday that I was tired and resting after the cortisone shot Thursday, but he just kept texting me telling me he hopes I’m doing ok and asking if I need anything. I’m seeing the message here, but I don’t think I over-functioned this much on my very worst day! And I’ve been doing really well at NOT over-functioning! So is this karma?

    Now he’s wishing me a speedy recovery so he can invite me over to watch movies… he doesn’t want me falling asleep. I would feel hesitant to go to his house to watch movies for a second date if I was really into him, but I’m not really into him. I don’t think I’ve misrepresented myself (made him think I like him more than I do). He’s a nice guy. We had a nice date…

    Any suggestions? Do I tell him how I feel? Which would be what? Frustrated? Like he needs to slow down – but what feeling is that? Hesitant, I guess? Brenda? Do I tell him, “Simmer down, cupcake?” lol! Seriously though. I could use some advice here.



  9.  #9Sweetpea on June 5, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    I know on the last post, Rori said, “…if a guy is intensely always leaning toward you – it will scare you – and you’ll have to share that with him so he can facilitate you better.”

    I don’t feel scared, so much – I feel kinda … yuck. I feel like to go out with him again would be leading him on at this point. Do I just tell him I feel hesitant to go to his house this early on? Do I tell him he’s freaking me out and he needs to slow down? Should I use some boy energy and just ignore him? (That’s so mean!)

    I’m ignoring him for now, because I don’t know what to do and because he texted me AGAIN after I told him I was feeling tired and going back to bed. I’ve been keeping things short and to the point. I haven’t said anything more than that – just variations of it, “thank you, I’ll be fine” for the past… 6 or 7 texts – over the last two days – and one email. Good Lord!!!! Help!!!!



  10.  #10aprilshowers on June 5, 2010 at 10:17 pm

    Hey Sweetpea,

    You said he was a nice guy, so I wouldn’t ignore him. He’s triggering you immensely, so you could probably learn more from him by telling him how you feel instead of running away.

    About the texting, you could say: “I feel a little freaked out by all the texting. I feel like it’s too much too fast. What do you think?”

    About going to his house, you could say: “I feel uncomfortable about going a man’s house on a 2nd date. I don’t feel like I know you well enough. It would feel good to go out.”

    This is a great opportunity to see if he respects your boundaries. Even if you don’t see a future with you, it’s great practice. It will come up again…

    P.S. I wouldn’t go to ANY man’s house on the 2nd date. That’s just me. I’m a safety-freak!



  11.  #11Jennifer on June 6, 2010 at 4:44 am

    Grrr
    I feel annoyed and irritated.
    I’m supposed to be having my professional photos done today. At a park by the water. It’s raining. It’s supposed to keep raining all day. GRRRRR.
    I woke up and my hair is HUGE!!!!!!
    Like 80’s rock band hair. GRRRRRR!!!!!
    Ok, I’m gonna work with the law of attraction a little.
    I’ve vented, gotten it out of my system. Now I will tell the universe how grateful I am for how well the whole thing turned out..in the past tense like it already happened.
    ok
    Dear Univers.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you.
    I am so very grateful for how well the photoshoot worked out. Thanks for getting the weather just right. Thanks for how well I looked in my pics. I’m so happy about how much fun we had, and how cool the photographer was. Thanks for putting her in my path.
    Thanks for the amount of dates that these pics have generated on the dating site. I’m having sooo much fun.
    Again, Thanks

    Jen



  12.  #12Sweetpea on June 6, 2010 at 10:39 am

    Thank you Aprilshowers. I’m with you a far as the 2nd date goes for sure. Besides the safety issue, he has 2 kids who live w/ him. I feel uncomfortable meeting his kids. I love kids, don’t have any of my own, but I just don’t want to get them involved in what is a casual dating situation for me.

    As far as the rest of it, thanks for giving me some ideas for feeling messages. I really appreciate it since I’m new to all this and they don’t feel natural to me yet. I’m practicing & learning, but the suggestions really help!



  13.  #13Sweetpea on June 6, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Oh yeah – and re: NiceGuy – he lied about his height – he’s about 4 inches off – which means he is shorter than I am. And I am right smack in the middle of average. It’s not that big a deal except for the fact that I just don’t like that he misrepresented himself. And 4 inches seems like a lot for a “hmm… I guess I’m shrinking with age.” But… height is a touchy subject and I really don’t feel it’s important enough to bring it up… Any thoughts?



  14.  #14Brenda on June 6, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Sweetpea, RE: #8 – You said, “Any suggestions? Do I tell him how I feel? Which would be what? Frustrated? Like he needs to slow down – but what feeling is that? Hesitant, I guess? Brenda? Do I tell him, “Simmer down, cupcake?” lol! Seriously though. I could use some advice here.”

    LOL! Yeah, that’s straight out of the Rori Raye manual for Loooove! Simmer down, Cupcake!

    Seriously, how bout you just answered your own question…Do you tell him how you feel? Sweetie peas, that is a given for Rori’s wisdom. Yes, xactly. Put it in a soft feeling message.

    I am not an authority, but I would say something like, “Sorry, I think you’re you a nice man, but I just don’t feel attracted to you” or “I’m sorry, I don’t feel the same way.” Something gentle. You already know you’re a heartbreaker, so let im down easy, cupcake!



  15.  #15Brenda on June 6, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Sweetpea, about lying about his age, I would say, “I feel really uncomfortable about what you told me about your height.” or “I feel distrust after you embellished the truth about your age.”

    He’s sending you multiple texts cuz he doesn’t KNOW it’s freaking you out! Do you think he would perpetuate that if he did know? Of course not. And that’s the beauty of feeling messages. You say how you feel from the heart. That’s taking care of yourself.



  16.  #16Brenda on June 6, 2010 at 10:56 am

    I love this writing about installing love! Love is the most powerful force in the universe!



  17.  #17Sweetpea on June 6, 2010 at 11:09 am

    Brenda – I think the reason I’m feeling so confused about this and so conflicted is because I know if this was someone I was really interested in, I would think it is sweet. I feel like I’m not being genuine and authentic in my feelings about the whole situation in general because of that. (Does that make sense?)

    I agree with Aprilshowers in that he IS triggering me – big time! So do I need to stick in here to see if I got the whole message? I already know that I’ve overfunctioned in the past and this really does feel like karma to me. I keep thinking, “Geez. This must be what Eric felt like when I wouldn’t stop texting him” – you know – stuff like that. And it makes me laugh a little as well as feel embarrassed. But mostly it makes me thankful that I have the will and the tools to change.

    I feel like I want to just bag the whole thing. It’s fear driving that though, because I’m afraid I’m going to hurt him. Guess I’ll have to think on this some more.



  18.  #18Sweetpea on June 6, 2010 at 11:11 am

    Oh yeah! We’re not supposed to worry about what they’re feeling right? They’re big boys and can take care of themselves? Just as long as I’m honest there’s no need to feel guilt????

    I love the Cupcake thing Brenda. And I felt amused when you called me “Cupcake.” 😀



  19.  #19Ankita on June 6, 2010 at 11:53 am

    I feel screwed up sometimes.. I feel stuck..

    I registered myself for online dating…
    But there are so less guys who appeal to me, either I don’t like their looks, or they are shorter than me, are in the profession i don’t like and feel turned off by, are too old for me, and separated,etc.

    What do I do???



  20.  #20Sweetpea on June 6, 2010 at 11:57 am

    Ankita – What I have done is just keep in mind that these are “practice men”. I don’t want a forever guy right now – I want to practice Rori’s tools on real live men so I will be adept at them when forever guy comes along.

    For CDing, I find that it is easier for me to practice the tools if I’m not extremely attracted to the guy. When I’m not as attracted, I’m not as attached to the outcome. I recently started chatting with pretty much anyone who sends me an email. As long as I don’t feel creepy about him – if he feels safe, I will chat at least. I actually went on a date with a guy Friday who is shorter than I usually like, but he was really sweet and we had a great conversation. (And I got free therapy and free dinner lol).

    I’ve even been talking to guys who are a lot older and some a lot younger than me. It’s fun!



  21.  #21Sweetpea on June 6, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    And the funny thing is, it’s as if the guys can sense that I’m opening up, because I have been getting more and more emails. My mailbox is burning up!! lol

    It’s great for my confidence and it’s interesting to actually see that Rori is right about men being able to sense your feelings. Even through a computer. Who knew? Try it. See if you have the same experience.

    I have been practicing feeling messages in my replies to these guys. I am going to go copy a response I got to one of my feeling messages and post it here. Right now I am using baby steps and using feeling messages about small, positive things. I will post it so you can see. It feels really good!!!



  22.  #22Sweetpea on June 6, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Me: It’s raining here tonight, so I should sleep like a log. I so love the rain. It feels so fresh and cleansing. And thunder and lightning feel awesome to me! Hard to explain that one, but I love watching the sky light up and then to hear that rumble that feels like it’s happening in your chest. Just awesome!! Anyway… I should sleep well tonight!

    Him: I really loved your description on your love for the rain. Are you a writer? If not,
    maybe you should be. Just reading your details for it, I painted a picture in my mind
    of you laying down with a clear view to a window, eyes wide opened, listening to the
    rain drops and watching them whenever the lightning strikes for that beautiful split
    second. One hand over your tummy while another poses above your pillow. Your
    breathing becoming more and more heavy and with each exhale your worries
    becoming less and less obsolete until your mind hits that sweet moment of
    clairvoyance and oblivion.

    See? It feels fun! This guy is 14 years younger than me, but it takes the pressure off because I’m not attached to the outcome. So I can practice all of Rori’s beautiful tools!!!



  23.  #23Ankita on June 6, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Sweetpea

    I will surely try it… Actually I find it really hard to keep up with guys who don’t interest me in looks, but I feel what you say is right, and last night, I ignored an email from a guy who was requesting me for a date, he appeared really sweet…

    Am gonna try to find his email back, and if I find him back, I will definitely respond to him…

    Am not too attached to the outcome, coz I know am just practicing, I never was, I never can, be interested in such guys for sure, I know… But i feel scared as to what if they get too attached to the outcome…?? Sometimes, that’s the questions that creeps me…!!???

    But, right now, am gonna check my mail and respond to guys…!! 🙂



  24.  #24Sweetpea on June 6, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Ankita,

    I am experiencing what you are fearing – a man who is getting too attached. I feel that as long as I am gently, softly honest with him it will be ok. I will let you know how this works out. I have gotten some good advice about this from the people here, so just know if it happens, you have a lot of knowledge and experience to help guide you through it.

    Of course they are going to fall for us! We are rockstars!!!

    Seriously though, I’m pretty sure Rori says men are responsible for their own feelings. And it’s been my experience with a lot of these guys that I get my message or mirror without ever meeting them and they just gently fade out of the picture. Try not to feel intimidated and fearful. I truly believe that it is impossible to do any real damage to a man’s heart or his ego as long as you are using feminine energy.



  25.  #25Ankita on June 6, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Sweetpea

    Now I can feel really safe… And now I feel like am no longer afraid… I feel like I can trust myself…. Am no longer unsafe…And that there are peoples to guide me the right way… 🙂

    Thanks..



  26.  #26Sweetpea on June 6, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Ok Sirens – Ahhh. I feel so triggered. So much more now!

    Re: #8 and 9 – I told NiceGuy: I don’t feel comfortable coming to your house already, silly! (and that I’m still not feeling well and going back to bed – which I am, as soon as I post this)…

    Here’s what I got in response:

    Ok. understood. i guess I don’t tend to think in that context. i know I have nothing but good honest intentions. But if you don’t trust yourself with me, then it is better we take it an adventure at a time. I do tire of being treated like a piece of meat. I have emotions to. you rest and think about controlling yourself the next time we get together. 😀
    No… Really! LOL. Get better!

    Is it just me? I feel annoyed. I feel like he’s laughing off my concerns. I feel like he never shuts up! Oh. Wait. I feel irritated that any little response I give him leads to a long, drawn out answer. I feel disrespected. Even though I tell him I need to rest, he sends text after text after text… that whole message came across in 4 texts.

    Is it glaringly clear to someone what I’m supposed to be getting from this? I feel like I’m in a “can’t see the forest for all the trees” situation.



  27.  #27Daria on June 6, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    sweetpea –

    yes… i see you responding to texts when you claim to be sick and not want to respond to texts



  28.  #28Sweetpea on June 6, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Ok Daria – i still don’t really get it. To me it seems just as rude to not respond to a text as it does to keep texting someone who tells you they’re trying to rest…
    I know there has been some debate on here about texting in general, but I certainly don’t want to talk on the phone right now and just want to respond to his text so he won’t keep texting me while I’m trying to sleep – which he has done the last couple of days.



  29.  #29Sweetpea on June 6, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    But you’re saying I should just not respond at all? I don’t understand… I feel confused.



  30.  #30Sweetpea on June 6, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Maybe this is the point where I need to tell him all the texting is freaking me out – like Aprilshowers suggested earlier.



  31.  #31Sweetpea on June 6, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    Maybe I just don’t understand the whole concept of triggering. I don’t know. I just want to get to the message so I can say, NEXT!

    I’m going to bed. I’ll figure this all out later. For now, I will just ignore it and feel rude. I will love and wallow in my rudeness! ha ha ha!



  32.  #32Daria on June 6, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    Sweetpea — great! that is exactly what i was saying…

    and no, its not rude

    you don’t OWE a response to anyone

    so wallow in those “rude” guilty feelings… feel them out and love them!



  33.  #33Sweetpea on June 6, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    Thanks Daria! I ended up doing some journaling & realized in the space of three days he’s asked for my personal email, offered to come over to give me a massage, told me he wants to invite me over to watch movies & then what feels like poking fun at my boundaries. All after one date. That is a lot considering my response to everything has been, ” thanks. I’ll be fine. Just need to rest.” That’s a lot of leaning forward on his part. My feelings of hesitancy & freaking out make more sense to me now.

    I’m still struggling w/ feeling inauthentic though, because if he was someone I was into, I’d be soaking it up.

    I ended up responding to him through the email he sent a day or two ago where he asked for my personal email address. I told him “re: the email, massage, movie, etc., this all feels too fast for me. I feel freaked out by all the texting the last couple of days. I’m not sure I feel comfortable giving you my personal email address yet & I’d just feel better keeping dates public for now. What do you think?”

    P.s. I was only responding to about 1 out of three of his texts, but I did wallow in those feelings of guilt & rudeness for awhile. I feel better. Thanks



  34.  #34Tina on June 6, 2010 at 10:55 pm

    Thank you Rori 🙂 and all the Sirens 🙂 this makes me smile.



  35.  #35Daria on June 7, 2010 at 3:13 am

    Sweetpea – yay! Ok anotheressage is… Why aren’t u into him ? In this case it doesn’t soundike it’s cuz he’s treati
    g you well…

    But rather that u don’t feel respected and heArd.., a
    d ur feeling unsafe.

    Now to communicate that to ho
    rather thN ” in fine I just need rest”

    How about. Wow in feeling weird., and I feel kinda uncomfortable and afraid saying this.,. But I’m not feeling very heard or respected… And I don’t want that. I’m actually feeling ANGRY ( aren’t u? Embrace it). What do u think we can do?



  36.  #36Ankita on June 7, 2010 at 6:58 am

    Hello Sirens

    I have received emails from the members on dating site… they asked me for coffee, and I have thought I will say yes…

    But is sounds like, some of them, are ready to be in a relationship, whereas am not yet, I wanna practice my tools just… That’s why I wanna go on dates…

    What do i do in that case, if they want to move the relation in a forward direction? Coz most of these guys aren’t what I want… Confused…!!???? 🙁 🙁



  37.  #37Ankita on June 7, 2010 at 7:14 am

    Hello Sirens

    I have a question again…!!
    Actually my mom has this originally….
    I told her that I have received invites from guys for date, etc.
    she asked me, “are they known to you?” I said, “Some of them..”
    She again asked, “Will it be safe to date guys, who you don’t know?”
    I didn’t reply her, but that question got me thinking…!!
    What do you all think????



  38.  #38Ankita on June 7, 2010 at 7:30 am

    1 more question

    If I am busy in studies or other chores, and then they ask for dates, how do I say to them I’m busy, and can’t make it right now, in feeling messages????



  39.  #39Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:00 am

    Daria – thanks a bunch for help w/ the feeling messages. I would say I was feeling more frustrated than angry, but yeah there was some anger there.

    Good practice here. I got an email from him this morning. No texts, so that feels better. I haven’t read the email yet, but if I need to use the other messages I certainly will.

    It feels great to have this safe place to fall into!



  40.  #40Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:18 am

    Ankita – For me, safety is always first. So I don’t give a guy any personal information (no last name or address) until I feel safe. I don’t even give my personal email address in most cases. And I ALWAYS meet them somewhere public. And I always let someone know where I’m going & text them after about an hour. I even let the guy know I’m doing so. My thought is, if he’s a good guy, he will respect me more for taking care of myself. Or will at least be understanding.

    As far as your concerns that they are looking for a relationship, that’s been a tough one for me. I’ve had to just not worry about that. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. If you read my previous posts on this page, you will see that I’ve been dealing with just this problem – & the suggestions I’ve gotten on how to deal with it.

    And lastly, if a guy asks you for a date & you have plans already at that time, tell him you’re busy & then some times you are available. It is my understanding that the whole idea here is to BE busy & not completely available.

    That’s my take on things – I’m new to this though, so Sirens, feel free to add or re-direct if I’m off base somewhere.

    Go out & have fun. Ankita. Let the men be responsible for their own feelings.



  41.  #41Ankita on June 7, 2010 at 11:20 am

    Sweetpea

    thanks…
    Can you tell me a bit in feeling messages as to what I should say when a guy asks me for exclusivity, and i don’t want a committed relationship????



  42.  #42dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    where is the oral sex thread? or is my computer not loading anew?



  43.  #43Ankita on June 7, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Dorothea

    I think oral sex post isn’t anymore here.. Even I can’t see it..
    Sh*t.. Will have to type my question all over again…



  44.  #44dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    i LOVED that thread and have been wanting a sex thread for a long time. booooo what happened?



  45.  #45Ankita on June 7, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Hello Sirens

    Am back with my question

    My elder sister’s bf stays in Delhi, & I in Calcutta… Someday before, he added me on orkut, and has been visiting my profile since then, viewing my pics and all that, but started scrapping me now, when he scrapped, i too replied…!!

    He asked, “Have you ever been to Delhi? Come here sometime..!!”
    Me, “Oh yeah.. Someday for sure..!! Have you ever been to Calcutta?”
    He, “Not yet.. But will DEFINITELY COME IF YOU INVITE ME..!”

    (My sis wanted to see my pics, and since she was having some problem in her pc, she asked me to send him my pics..! I reluctantly sent him..! then he told my sis that had not she been there, he would have been with me (laughed hard after that), and also told her that I am very beautiful..!)

    All this made me feel very weird to reply.. But still, I said, “Oh.. It will be nice to meet you SOMEDAY..!”

    Now he asked for my no. What do I do?
    My sister knows nothing about it (perhaps, coz she said that they talk very less.. days pass by without them talking to each other..)

    She told me that he is a very nice guy, hasn’t touched her yet, and even is ready to fight with everyone for him…
    I don’t know how this guy is.. But I feel he is trying to come too close to me..!
    I don’t wanna tell my sister anything coz she is having health problems… I don’t wanna hurt this guy too coz I look at him as my brother-in-law…
    But am concerned about my sister…

    What do i do? Am I over reading???



  46.  #46Ankita on June 7, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Don’t know dorothea..
    I posted quite a few interesting articles on it and also a couple of questions, now will have to type it all over again.. Disappointing…. 🙁



  47.  #47dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Ankita, I just added you on FB through daria’s page but it wouldn’t let me add a message saying who I am since my name is not the same here as it is there.



  48.  #48Ankita on June 7, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    Dorothea

    Don’t worry… i will love to add you all there… Lemme check my page.. Am adding you…!!



  49.  #49Lizzie on June 7, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    what happened to the oral sex thread? I came back to read Brenda’s articles – and the whole thing is gone.



  50.  #50Apple Jacks on June 7, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    Oh dear, feeling guilty about the disappearance of the oral sex thread. I had posted a link that was awaiting in moderation, I hope that was not the reason it had problems. Awww, that was a good thread.



  51.  #51dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    i dunno what happened to the thread. i enjoy talking about sex and learning about it and i’ve only ever slept with 2 people….



  52.  #52Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Ankita – if you feel uncomfortable talking to your sister’s bf, how do you feel about telling him just that? I feel uncomfortable talking to you. If you feel it would hurt your sister if she knew, then tell him that too.



  53.  #53Tallgirl10 on June 7, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    I hope I was not too blame. I added another tip on nookie. Sorry if I am to blame!



  54.  #54Tallgirl10 on June 7, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    Anyhow, text guy wished me a happy bday today.

    I responded with “:-)” in text form of course. I may text him a little something later this week. A comment, not a question.

    You don’t think he had to text me happy birthday did he?

    Why do I feel like I am forcing him to so things for/with me? Sheesh.

    I feel calm and anxious at the same time. I do hope he keeps in contact.

    But I am wondering when you should do a little contact, any thoughts?



  55.  #55dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    tallgirl where is yer dang self esteem, mujer? of course you’re not forcing him to do anything. JEEEEEZ



  56.  #56Siena on June 7, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Tallgirl, happy birthday!

    A man never does anything he doesn’t want to, unless he’s made to by another man (which is why prisons were invented and are run by men).

    He’s doing these things because he wants to please you. Deal with it! It’s what being a Siren is all about (she says lovingly) 😉



  57.  #57Siena on June 7, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    I’m feeling in a huge funk today – and have felt this way this whole past weekend. I just hung out in the makeup aisle at the store, and bought some makeup, which makes me feel good. And I’m eating dark chocolate covered “powerberries” (acai, pomegranate, cranberry and blueberry).

    I was traveling this weekend, and #1CD asked me how it was and I told him the truth. His response was that I was going thru #1CD withdrawal. haha cute. I wish he would send me flowers or something, that would make me feel better 😉



  58.  #58Tallgirl10 on June 7, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    Ok. I get it.

    Thoughts on beginning a little contact here and there to “throw him a bone”, but not leaning forward?

    Interestingly remember my post about him not trying to kiss me when I got out of the car? Yesterday, I drove him home after our thingy, and I may have been that tired. But at least we talked about how darn tired we were (aka – how tired we made each other).

    On another entertaining note, we saw a girl with handcuffs that had rhinestones on them at the concert we were at, and I pointed them out. He leaned over and said “Can we barrow those?”.

    ;-).



  59.  #59Tallgirl10 on June 7, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Siena,

    You are so right. Women are the ones who do things that they don’t want to do. Men do not.

    I forgot that!



  60.  #60Tallgirl10 on June 7, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    and when men do things they don’t want to do it is because they care about the other person. Women, sometimes, not so much. We do it from guilt.



  61.  #61dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    i feel SO MAD because this bitch was just in here trying to steal my job….when my boss told him we dont have any paid positions available, she offered to volunteer for our non profit and then proceeded to grill me about whether i am actually doing my job or not so she can “help” me pick up the slack. but mostly she was trying to make me look like i should be replaced, you know?

    it was kind of an underhanded move and i feel threatened but moreso i feel my gut tuning in to her red flags of back stabiness.



  62.  #62dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    when my boss told HER i mean…



  63.  #63dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    grrr i just got declined for a credit card. i feel so mad today. i want a fair chance!



  64.  #64Daria on June 7, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    fuck man,

    i loved that oral sex post
    .
    Rori….

    noooo



  65.  #65Daria on June 7, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    tall girl –

    do NOT contact him. any contact at this point would be leaning forward. THINKING about contacting him at this point or “throwing him bones” is leaning forward



  66.  #66Daria on June 7, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    Happy Birthday Tallgirl!

    my birthday is tomorrow



  67.  #67TW on June 7, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    Ladies I have a question. My home has been broken into recently 2x and I was talking to my boyfriend and he said the area is getting bad and that maybe I should look into moving. He suggested anarea that I should look. He lives not to far from me. I think it would be a good idea for us to live together so we can save money to buy a house. I don’t want to be the one to suggest it though. What do you guys think? We were having a deep conversation about things and he told me he would call me back when he finished.



  68.  #68mary on June 7, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    tallgirl,

    my vote is to not suggest it.



  69.  #69mary on June 7, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    daria,

    how did your meetup group go?



  70.  #70Lucy on June 7, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    Happy Birthday Tallgirl!

    My birthday is Friday. 😀

    Any news on where that other thread disappeared to???



  71.  #71Sherry on June 7, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    I have a CD I have been talking to for almost 3 months. At first, I told him we could talk as friends but he was too young for me and I wouldn’t date him. (Just practice on him) After a coupe of months, I agreed to meet him. We have been on 4 dates – once a week since I agreed to meet him. Out of all the guys I’ve talked to and met, he is the one who has stepped up – every day! – to move things along.

    His profile says that he is looking for “other relationship.” I asked him about this at first, what he meant, and he said that he has been looking for “it” and can never find “it” so he is just trying to date with no pre conceived expectations. Sounded perfect for me to practice on! Also kinda sounded like he was doing the same thing I was lol.

    I’m starting to get confused – caught up in my head, I think. I’m trying to sort it out on here.. any comments or suggestions would be more than welcome!

    I feel like I like him more than any of the other men I have been seeing. He’ smart, funny, sexy, and always remembers little things I tell him and asks me outcomes of things. Makes me feel he is genuinely interested. Most of our conversations are by text because we are on opposite shifts, but I am fine with that. He has text me good morning and asked how I am and wishes me a good day every morning for over 2 months now – since I gave him my number. I like starting my day that way! He has more manners and respect than all the other men I have CD combined.

    He is a lot younger than I am. He has no kids and has never been married. He says he doesn’t know that he wants any, and I said that he doesn’t know that he doesn’t want any. He thinks that is something we deal with when and if the time comes. I agree with that because I feel certain I will know when that time is. I don’t know if he is dating anyone else and I don’t know that he knows I am. Do I somehow bring it up? Things are naturally progressing and of course we have made out, but I am getting real close to having sex with him. I feel that I should be more clear on my boundaries with all of this before I do, but I have never CD before so I am uncertain as to what they are. I want to sleep with him exclusively, but continue to CD other men. I’m not sure how to convey that, especially in a question because it would have to be something he agreed on (the sexual exclusive). I don’t care about dating others, but sleeping with more than me is just icky to me.



  72.  #72Rachel on June 7, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    TallGirl,

    Please keep leaning back! I remember how hard it was for you just a few days ago when you felt like you’d suggested he call you. Imagine how stressed you would feel if you suggested moving in!

    Let him come to you!!! It will feel so much better if he is rowing the boat right now until you can get stronger and find your inner Rockstar!

    Just lean back and enjoy that he is stepping up. The process is working…there is no hurry. If you are to live together, it will happen at the right time.

    You’re doing great! Keep working on your tools and give him the space to come toward you. He will.



  73.  #73dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    I am feeling much calmer now and i feel silly and a little ashamed for being so shaken by this lady who wants my job.

    i feel grateful for this lesson and will learn not to be intimidated yeahhhh i’m fearless!!!!!



  74.  #74Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    Happy Birthday Tallgirl!

    Happy Early Birthday Daria and Lucy (in case I forget).



  75.  #75Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    Ankita – re: #41 – what is it that you are looking for? Or you looking for a relationship (with the right guy of course)? Are you looking to get married?

    I’m not sure about cultural differences, and I would feel horrible if I gave you bad advice. But, my advice would be, just tell him whatever you feel at the time. If it were me, I would tell him, “I feel flattered, but I am just wanting to date right now.”

    Does that help?



  76.  #76Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    Daria – re: #35 – I’m not that into him just because he is absolutely not my physical type. It feels shallow, but I’ve already experienced how settling feels to me. If a guy is not my ideal, I can make a concession for some things, but some things are non-negotiable for me. So, as shallow as it feels, it is as simple as – he is in no way, manner or shape someone I’m physically attracted to….

    Oh – it feels so icky saying that.
    I love my shallowness.

    That being said, I got an email from him that was very understanding. He, of course, had no idea that I was feeling uncomfortable and if I want to keep things public that is fine with him.

    I HATE feeling like I’m leading him on! I say this because he says in the email that his 10 yr old daughter was having friends over to watch movies, so he thought there wouldn’t be any risk of impropriety. I feel really freaked out about the fact that he would even suggest my meeting his kids at this point. So now I have to address that.

    I thought I would let you know, though, that these feeling messages are a wonderful thing – and thank you again for your suggestions. I guess the main reason I’m feeling like I should cut bait and run is because I do feel like I’m leading him on.

    He was married for 25 years and has been divorced for about a year and a half. I don’t feel like he has any idea how to date. He is in relationship mode. Knowing this, should I continue with this for my therapy, or is that just selfish?

    What do you think Daria? I ask you because I know you will give it to me straight, but I’d be happy to hear what anyone else has to say as well.



  77.  #77dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    I say work through the guilty feelings with this man – free therapy to work through guilty feelings!

    But anyway, I wouldn’t be driving over to his house for a Circular Date and that’s whether he has a kid or not haha



  78.  #78dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    sorry i know i’m not the illustrious daria lolol



  79.  #79Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    Dear Sirens, once again I am asking for your help. I am feeling totally freaked out in a completely happy, excited way! (I posted something similar to this on the MIA oral sex post, so I don’t know if I already got responses or not… boo!_)

    I met a guy on-line – SR – and I’m really, really liking him. He’s already stepping up. When I texted him about canceling our date Friday, he called. Like, right now – no texting, no b.s. – phone call. He’s totally open when talking to me and it feels very comfortable being open with him. I feel like I can really unzip my heart with this one and I feel a little scared about it – or of it – more precisely. There has been no reason for me to lean forward in any way, because he is totally stepping up and it’s allowing me to bask in my feminine energy. Woohoo! This is heady stuff!!!!

    I feel scared that I’m not ready to CD someone I’m attracted to. Holy cow! I feel anxious. But so excited! Like I’m about to sky dive out of a perfectly good airplane. I hope this parachute’s good….

    I really want to get this right. Tomorrow, we are going to a gorgeous local landmark where they are playing a movie outside – sort of like the old drive-ins only better. I feel perfectly safe having him pick me up at my house, but I think I’m going to meet him somewhere anyway. My question is… and I have to decide this before tomorrow afternoon… I have to decide whether I want to make this an extended date, with dinner beforehand – then the live band – then the movie. This could be an all day affair! And I feel excited about that. Should I go for the extended date, or keep it short? (This is our first date – so however unlikely it is, I may feel no attraction to him at all).

    This scares me the most because you know how people say when it’s right, things seem easy and you “just know”. It’s feeling easy – and I’m feeling that “just know” feeling – which I’ve never felt before. I’m feeling no hesitation about him whatsoever – other than my fears. HELP!!!!!



  80.  #80Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    Dorothea – Thanks. I was leaning that direction as well. As long as I’m honest with him and use feeling messages – his feelings are his business, right? Is that right? (I’m having a hard time with that one).

    Sorry to hear about the backstabby lady at your work, btw. Any chance you may have to be dealing with her?



  81.  #81Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    Dorothea – no apology needed. I love Daria for telling me how it is – no holds barred, but I appreciate all the help I get here on Siren Island.



  82.  #82dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    thank you for asking about the back stabby lady.

    well as long as she doesn’t try too much to steal my job, she will actually be a huge asset to my organization as an unpaid intern/volunteer. so that would be something working out in MY favor.

    maybe part of me feels angry at myself and not her, for forcing me to face possible deficiencies in my work performance. i try to go easy on myself though because i am working with extremely limited resources…



  83.  #83dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    to answer your question, i would have to deal with her very closely all the time.



  84.  #84Tina on June 7, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    What a great day out for me, truckman took me to the ceremony, we went out to eat then came home and I offered him cake 🙂



  85.  #85Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 8:58 pm

    Dorothea – I hope it works out great! If she really is backstabby – then I hope someone who’s not shows up wanting to volunteer before she starts!



  86.  #86Tina on June 7, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    Truckman talked about our plans for the future as in FOREVER AFTER. His idea is that he get is lawyer on my divorce, my ex will settle and pay. He (truckman) will semi move in complete with an engagement ring and a date, start building the new home and make plans for the wedding and thats it. I said ooooh. He liked the cake I guess…



  87.  #87Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    Yay Tina! Did he eat cake?

    Reminds me of Alice in Wonderland… “Let them eat cake!” lol



  88.  #88Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    I guess you answered my question before I even asked it! Wow! I feel happy for you!

    How are you feeling?



  89.  #89Tina on June 7, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    All this will start sometime in july, but the divorce thing is immediate. He says think about it until then. I said ok, we hugged he went home with an extra piece of cake 🙂



  90.  #90Tina on June 7, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Sweetpea, I dont want to get graphic here but yes, you can say he ate and liked the cake 🙂



  91.  #91Tina on June 7, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    I feel wonderful, the ceremony meant a lot to him for me to go. He says that it meant a lot to him, now he feels lucky because he is getting cake and then um you know, we pleasured each other um orally, I cant find that post but yeah anyway, I wont mention that again heheeee. We exchanged masculine/feminine energies? ok thats it.



  92.  #92Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    Exchanged masculine/feminine energies. I like that.



  93.  #93dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 9:11 pm

    blow jobs blow jobs blow jobs, where is the BLOW JOB thread?



  94.  #94Tina on June 7, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    I told him I would think about it 🙂 I saw 50 text girl at the ceremony, she seemed very masculine, I didnt stand up to shake her hand so she hugged my head lol, and almost choked me.



  95.  #95Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    Dorothea – I’m sensing a little rebel in you. lol



  96.  #96Tina on June 7, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    lol Dorothea, yeah were is it? I didnt have to outgirl her in any way, truckman was so attentive to me 🙂



  97.  #97Tina on June 7, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    We want the bj thread back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂



  98.  #98tallgirl10 on June 7, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    Ok, won’t contact him.

    Hope you all liked my response to his text. It was the most spare yet.

    I tried it on a friend first just to feel more comfortable with it.

    However, ladies, I do think there is a time to start contacting, when it is normal in a relationship. Not to keep pursuing but that there is some putting in effort. At this point, given that we are only at three dates, and we have only fooled around so much this one time, I will wait to see what he does.

    I hope he does not walk away.



  99.  #99tallgirl10 on June 7, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    Rachel,

    Not sure if you mean the asking him to live with me as an example, but at this point, I was only suggesting texting him a sentence.



  100.  #100tallgirl10 on June 7, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    Oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ladies. TW and tallgirl are not the same.

    TW is thinking of moving intogether.

    I am simply suggesting a text at most ;-)!



  101.  #101tallgirl10 on June 7, 2010 at 9:26 pm

    So when do you all start initiating a little contact? Not a lot, but every three or four to one kind of things. Thoughts?



  102.  #102Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    Tallgirl – I feel confused about this not texting questions and all the other stuff you’ve been talking about.

    I’m just going to throw my two cents in here, though. I’m with all the rest of these ladies! – Quit beating yourself up! He’s pursuing you because you are fabulous – not because you are forcing him to. There’s no harm in encouraging him is there? Or is there – and that’s the reason I feel confused?…..



  103.  #103Daria on June 7, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    Tallgirl –

    Rori’s work about being in the feminine directly states that it is about “no effort.”

    any effort in the relationship is masculine energy



  104.  #104Daria on June 7, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    Tallgirl do you get Rori’s E-letters?

    some of her BEST tools are in there



  105.  #105Daria on June 7, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    as well as crucial explanations



  106.  #106dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    i have been seeing a man for 6 months and i can still go whole weeks without initiating anything. this is actually working BETTER to keep him coming towards me…

    initiate contact when it feels good but not when you are attached to the outcome.

    i tend to initiate when i am attached to outcome which makes him feel “on the hook.”

    it’s ok to lean back like 95 percent of the time. seriously! as long as you’ve unzipped your heart in some way or another.



  107.  #107tallgirl10 on June 7, 2010 at 9:30 pm

    Sweetpea,

    That is what I am asking. How do I encourage him, if I am not supposed to contact him at all? Just respond sweetly?

    When can you start contacting someone who you are dating? That is my question. Are you all saying that I should not contact him at all.

    At this point, I have not initiated anything (oops except one responding to a bet we had).

    I can’t believe how lean back my “:-)” was. To not even put a word is pretty major for me.



  108.  #108Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    Tallgirl – I think the suggestion is that we not initiate contact until the relationship has moved to – or close to exclusivity at the least.

    I can’t say I always follow that directive. Sometimes I just do what feels good to me. But it is something I feel I need to work on, so I usually resist the urge for awhile whether it feels good or not.

    I would say in your case though, you really have to ask yourself if you will feel good about it after you send it. It would feel bad to me to have you initiate contact and then hear you beating yourself up for it.

    Does that make sense?



  109.  #109Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    Hi, I haven’t had much time to be online. I feel really disappointed the oral sex string was removed. Rori had written within the string for anyone to share details of how to give oral sex. I shared mine in the form of a romance novelette. I feel disappointed I am not able to copy it, since I put a lot of emotional and mental energy into it. And I feel disappointed I am not able to read people’s responses to it. 🙁

    Rori, please bring back the oral sex string? Why did you remove it?



  110.  #110tallgirl10 on June 7, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    Well, I am not so sure I agree with no effort. But, I would say that given that we had a shaky past at the three date mark, and that we had a 36 hour date, it is best that I let him do his thing, and when he contacts me again, I can decide what I want to do.

    I am not angry this time, I was so angry when we dated last time that a lot of my behavior was punitive.

    I like him and I hope he contacts me for more hanging out, and romps!



  111.  #111Tina on June 7, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    Sweetpea, I would keep it short as possible. The outdoor movie date sounds fun!



  112.  #112dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    you lean back and when he contacts you, you are open to it. He calls, you let him know you feel good hearing his voice.



  113.  #113dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    bRENDA! HI! I totally worked out one of my own sexual issues in a comment in the BJ thread and i wish i could read it again.



  114.  #114Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Tallgirl,

    Happy Birthday! Why did you lean back so much when he wished you happy birthday? At the very least, why not a “thank you!”?

    I don’t understand why you didn’t respond to his text and yet you wonder if it’s appropriate to intiate texts? Also, you previously expressed you preferred in person communication, or at least phone calling. So are you going to settle for just texts, like I did (and regret it)?

    Rori said not to initiate communication until you are at a point where you feel completely secure in his love.

    The way you get his interest is by stopping and doing nothing. As long as we are rowing the boat, he won’t take the oars. You are on his radar. If you lean back and let him initiate, he will be more attracted.

    I feel slightly concerned about the smiley face response, tho, cuz I think that would give him the message you don’t want to talk. Or at least it would me if I were a guy.



  115.  #115dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    who cares what the guy would think about a smiley face response. too much thinking about what he thinks blahhhh grosssss



  116.  #116Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    Dorothea,

    Hi! I wrote Rori a message also on the string just for questions directed to Rori, asking her to please let me have a copy of my novella. It would feel good if you did the same to get your comment, so she hears it from several people how disappointed we are that the oral sex string is gone.

    I like to talk about sexxx! 🙂



  117.  #117Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    Tina, I know, huh? I’m way excited about it. I didn’t even know they do stuff like that anymore. Thanks for the feedback!



  118.  #118dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    Rori is around tonight and can see and feel our discontent.

    I wonder if wordpress, her blog provider, took issue with the content.



  119.  #119Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    Dorothea,

    Tallgirl has been dissecting everything she says or doesn’t say to TextMan for days now. I was just giving her feedback. I just think a smiley face is leaning too far back. Does she want to communicate “I am not interested”?



  120.  #120Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    Tallgirl – I was thinking along the same lines as Brenda. Although, I like Dorothea’s comment – yeah! who cares what he’s thinking!!!! lol

    My take on things though is that leaning back is what you do when he’s not “in front of you” – and in my mind, if I’m talking to him or texting him, that qualifies as “in front of me.” When he is in front of me – I feel that is the time to be opening up and responding and acknowledging him.

    Ladies, please let me know if I’m way off base here. This is just my feel for things – I’m completely new to this.



  121.  #121Rori Raye on June 7, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    To all re the missing thread – it’s not gone, it’s just “hidden” – I’ll find a way to open it up to you…give me a day or two…Love, Rori



  122.  #122Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    Rori,

    It would feel so good to have back the “Oral Sex” string! 🙂



  123.  #123Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    Thank you, Rori!!! We love men! We love sex! We love the Guru Queen Goddess of Relationships, Ms. Rori Raye!



  124.  #124Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    Dorothea – I was wondering the same thing about why the oral sex blog was taken down. I feel that someone had to have taken issue with it. Maybe she was getting too much negative feedback.

    I’m sure there’s a reason for it other than we were being “naughty”.



  125.  #125Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    Thank you Rori!!!!



  126.  #126Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    Sweetpea, I think you’re right on! I mean, I could text “Cupcake” as well as say it to his face! LOL!



  127.  #127Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    Dorothea – How did you know that? Are you our resident “Mystic Goddess”?

    Fascinating!



  128.  #128Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    Cupcake, cupcake, cuupcake. (As I skip around the room and do my snoopy dance). I feel happy that you like that as much as I do! lmao



  129.  #129Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 9:55 pm

    LOL! Sweetpea, that is so cute! Yeah, I dig it, too, that you use that! Like this big strapping, hairy man with a mean look who could snap my neck in two with a glance, and I’m insulting him by calling him, “Cupcake!” I used it on Bill once, playfully!

    With my exhusband, Kenny, who is still a very close friend, sometimes I call him my “wife”, or, “Yes, Ma’am!” At first he was a little tense about it, but our friendship is so solid now he just laughs and then calls me a “Ho” under his breath, totally in a playful way! He’ll say, “What state is known for growing potatoes?” I’ll say, “Idaho”. He’ll say, “That’s right…REMEMBER that!” We are so fond of each other that it’s totally a game we play, and I take no offense at all, while he doesn’t either. I even wished him happy mother’s day recently, just to tease him! Mean Bren!



  130.  #130Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    Dorothea – I hope I didn’t cause you discomfort asking you that. I have a very good friend who is psychic. I know it is a very hard gift to have. Childhood is hard enough without feeling so much different than everyone else. She’s had a very tough time dealing with it. My heart weeps for her whenever she shares her stories of feeling like an outcast.

    Anyway… if you do have the gift, I don’t want to be insensitive.



  131.  #131dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    My take on things though is that leaning back is what you do when he’s not “in front of you” – and in my mind, if I’m talking to him or texting him, that qualifies as “in front of me.” When he is in front of me – I feel that is the time to be opening up and responding and acknowledging him.

    Ladies, please let me know if I’m way off base here. This is just my feel for things – I’m completely new to this.
    _____________________

    we lean back ALL the time…ESPECIALLY when he’s right in front of us. i wish i could explain this better but i just wanted to let you know that THIS is what brings results. it works great for me.



  132.  #132Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 9:57 pm

    LOL Brenda! That is hilarious!

    The first time I used “Simmer down Cupcake” it was with a thick-skinned marine I was just starting to date. You should have seen the look on his face!



  133.  #133Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    I think when we are not with him, leaning back is not contacting him unless he contacts us first.

    I think when we are with him, leaning back is responding, but responding in feeling messages, along with “I statements”, like “I like…”; “I don’t like…”; “I want…”; “I don’t want…”; “I love…”

    So, yes, we are leaning back most of the time. I still haven’t determined when to use a rockstar diva approach and why that is not considered leaning forward.



  134.  #134Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    Dorothea – I understand that you lean back all the time. Maybe the confusion here is in understanding how we can tell him “it feels good to hear from you” (acknowledging and responding) while still leaning back.

    Do you see what I’m saying? Leaning back is something we do emotionally – basically by avoiding any feeling on our part of being the “pursuer”, right? But we have to be able to communicate to them that we are open to them emotionally as well?



  135.  #135Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    LOL, Sweetpea!

    I grew up a country girl, and I missed out on a huge amount of street smarts, etc. I tried to pick up on stuff, how to act tuff, cuz I used to work with emotionally disturbed, conduct disorder teenagers. I needed to not be soft with them, or they’d walk all over me. So i picked up a few lines like that, including cupcake.

    I really related and laffed at myself recently when I saw the movie, “Date Night”. This commonplace suburban husband and dad ends up in these life-threatening situations, and he points a gun at a man, calling him, “You F-er!” The dude laffs in his face, calling him an “F-er” back. As in, he was not in the habit of saying the word itself, but just said it like that, F-er. It was like something I would do!

    I also like “cupcake” cuz it’s not a bad word, yet it’s far more of an insult than most! LOL! Cupcake!



  136.  #136Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    Brenda – the Rockstar Diva approach – I don’t know either. I kinda feel like I was Rockstar Diva-ish when I SR told me there was nothing wrong with feeling aggressive and I asked “Tonsil hockey anyone?”

    It felt good to say, but in the back of my mind, I was thinking “Oh Lord, girl, what can of worms are you opening up here?”

    We’re getting alot of mileage out of this and the other feeling messages I used with him though. It is great fun….

    I hope he doesn’t expect any tonsil hockey tomorrow night. I told him sense I “threatened him with tonsil hockey, I can’t have any alcohol tomorrow”. lol



  137.  #137Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:08 pm

    All these feeling messages… now I’m confusing “sense” with “since”. I guess maybe that’s a sign of progress.



  138.  #138Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    Funny funny Brenda! I worked with behaviorally challenged adolescents as well. Wasn’t THAT a challenge. I had street smarts. My toughest thing was that I knew I was just talking smack to them when they got lippy because I couldn’t use any of the self-defense tools I know on them. It was a little spooky knowing that they could physically hurt me and I would basically just have to take it!



  139.  #139Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    Sweetpea,

    Did you get your icky feelings resolved around Nice Guy who was bombarding you with texts after one date? Christian Carter talks about how anyone feels if someone expresses too much interest prematurely if your feelings are not at the same level. He describes it as, “Eeeewwwwww!” You don’t welcome the sentiments at that stage. And, I think that’s cuz he’s not being sensitive to where YOU’RE at. So in my mind and heart, that makes feeling messages all the more important. If I feel a man getting to hot and heavy when I’m not with him, I let him know asap.

    Telling him I’m tired doesn’t let him know. That’s covering up the real feelings, and that is where Rori is leading us, to be completely genuine all the time, even if they are negative feelings. Let the chips fall where they may. It feels empowering to say how you really feel, cupcake! 🙂



  140.  #140Daria on June 7, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    Rori say’s its GREAT to use short things like smily faces

    i do that as practice

    keep it to smily faces and silences and stuff

    very mysterious and feminine feeling for me



  141.  #141dorothea on June 7, 2010 at 10:12 pm

    It’s not just about ‘i’ statements. It’s about FEELING statements.

    Sweetpea, your confusion is in the difference between leaning back and HOLDING BACK. we want to lean back without holding back.

    leaning back is not playing a game but being in touch and open with your feelings and letting him lean forward and do the “functioning”. Leaning back is not a game but a paradigm and a way of life.



  142.  #142mary on June 7, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    Well, I did lean slightly forward just now and emailed Island Man just to tell him how wonderful my interview went, and how beautiful the mountains look from my window.

    i hope he handles it well… i was just rather bursting at the seams with good news and wanted to share with him.



  143.  #143Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    Sweetpea, you’s funny! I thot tonsil hockey was funny and rockstar divaish, too! When I worked with the kids, I had a lot of training on restraints and defending myself without attacking the kids. Once I restrained a 170 lb boy when he tried to kick me in the face! He was laying there face down with me on top of him, and he said, “Oh my God! This is embarrassing! Being restrained by a girl in front of my peers!”

    After that, I talked it over with him, and he apologized for trying to kick me, saying he never should have tried to hurt a woman. I treated him with dignity, and he made peace with me, and I think he really respected my authority. Then he would do anything for me and he told the other kids, “Hey, man, don’t mess with her! She’s really nice!”



  144.  #144Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    Brenda – I did get things resolved. I ended up responding to an email he had sent and just covered it all in one swooping, feeling message. He wrote back telling me that he had no idea I was feeling that way and he in no way wants me to feel uncomfortable. He thought it was ok to invite me over for movies because his 10 year old and her friends were going to be there. So now…

    I get to use more feeling messages and tell him that I’m not comfortable meeting his children I guess. Or maybe I’ll save that for when/if it comes up again. I’m not responding at all until I feel comfortable with whether or not to address that issue now. I kind of think he won’t be around too long, so it feels a bit like a moot point. Anyway, it worked out fine and it feels really good to see the results of using the tools.



  145.  #145Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 10:18 pm

    Daria, I can see where you’re coming from. Sounds good. I guess it just isn’t me, and for sure it’s not what I’m used to. But you have a good point about being mysterious and maybe a little elusive.

    Daria, did you ever see “Her Alibi”? I love that movie! Made me think of you!! 🙂



  146.  #146Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    The restraining method we were taught was more of a two person deal. Thankfully I was very successful at talking them down. My biggest fear is that the self-defense was so ingrained in me that it was second-nature. The lady who taught us how to restrain, walked up behind me at work one day & grabbed me and without even thinking, I elbowed her in the ribs. There would have been hell to pay if she had been one of the patients!

    I felt horrible, but she took it all in stride and told me she should have known better.



  147.  #147Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    Dorothea,

    That’s what I said:

    “responding in feeling messages, along with “I statements””



  148.  #148Daria on June 7, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    Brenda –

    yes I practiced it because Rori suggested it. I don’t believe that anything “isn’t me” since I can be all things.

    Especially i would love to discover my own femininty

    i guess i feel triggered about the “isn’t me’ thing, because if i went with taht i would have never tried rori’s tools and found feminine me.



  149.  #149Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    Daria,

    Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you!
    Happy Birthday, dear Daria!
    Happy Birthday to you! 🙂

    Doing anything rockstar divaish for your birthday?



  150.  #150Daria on June 7, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    I haven’t seen Her Alibi hehe.

    Sweetpea – haha at elbowing the lady

    I REALLY want to sign up for muay thai at the fairtex gym.



  151.  #151Daria on June 7, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    Thanks BRENDA!!!

    i don’t know

    i feel a lil sad because i have no plans really – i don’t know what i’d like to do

    i would feel great if amazing things happen without me planning them



  152.  #152Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    Yes Dorothea and Daria – I see where both of you are coming from. I completely understand the concept of leaning back – I was trying to communicate to Tallgirl that it is more of an emotional stance. I feel like she is struggling with the difference between authentically leaning back and playing games. In my mind, the ONLY difference is that it has to be authentic, or else it is game-playing.

    I welcome your feedback if you feel I am off-base. And Tallgirl, the only reason I’m not directing this to you is because you seem to not be on here any longer and I am curious to hear the feedback as well. It is not my intent to give you any reason to feel that I am talking behind your back.



  153.  #153Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    Daria,

    I remember a certain goddess whose name begins with “D” and ends with “aria” who said the other day that rich men in suits weren’t what she is used to, that she likes the gheto type. How was that different from saying “Rich men aren’t me”? >;-P



  154.  #154mary on June 7, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    ah, daria…

    i was waiting until tomorrow to wish you a nice day. but my sleep schedule is off, and i have a meeting at the crack of dawn, so i’ll join Brenda and say…

    Happy Birthday!

    with love, from Mary



  155.  #155Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    Daria – I feel like being feminine is totally me – it is my birthright. I’ve just been shoving it down for one reason or another. Rori’s has just given me the tools to bring it out.

    So I see what you are saying in that it doesn’t feel “it’s me”. Some of this does feel a little foreign at first, yet it resonates with me, so I know it’s right. Is that how you feel about it?



  156.  #156Daria on June 7, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    hmm?

    rich men “aren’t WHAT IM USED TO”

    is very different from

    rich men “arent ME”



  157.  #157Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    Daria, You’re welcome! I hope you get a surprise from out of the blue from a man you like and that you have a very special Daria Day!

    Seriously about the “isn’t me” thing, I want to be as feminine as i can, too. Just some things aren’t me and never will be. That doesn’t mean I’m not willing to try and use the tools…I am doing that, and I love this! I really believe Rori Raye is starting a communication revolution that could apply to all areas of life, especially in business! I would really like to see her techniques become household words! I don’t know if that’s HER goal, but I am endlessly impressed and thankful for learning these very wise communication techniques. I feel so much more confident in ALL my interactions!



  158.  #158Daria on June 7, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    like

    GOOD men who pursue me – “aren’t what i (was) used to”

    vs

    Good men who pursue me – “aren’t me”



  159.  #159mary on June 7, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    now i’m already anxiously awaiting Island Man’s reply.

    that was not the best thing to do… (just wanted to rebel a bit!)

    livin’ and learnin’…

    it’s okay. Island Man! you can drop me now because i emailed and told you i had a nice day! you can get all worked up about the fact that i said the low-lying clouds on the mountains were beautiful from my window! you can ignore it that i said it feels like…. joy?



  160.  #160Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    I thot you were turning down the idea of going to hang out at places where you could meet rich men! 🙂



  161.  #161Daria on June 7, 2010 at 10:33 pm

    Sweetpea –

    yes … and since I haven’t EVER had a moment where rori “wasn’t right” mostly because shes NOT ABOUT BEING RIGHT

    she just supports me

    so I feel totally safe using her tools and seeing how i feel as i do so… and after i am used to them

    its a whole different thing than saying off the bat

    ohh i am just more chatty, silences arent me

    orr ohhh i am loyal/concerned about others feelings – not overfunctioning isn’t me

    orr ohh i analyze a lot – that’s just me

    that would have cut me off from MORE ME!!



  162.  #162Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:36 pm

    Ha, ha Mary! Don’t you hate that?! (I’m laughing with you not at you)!

    Way to handle things with the “it’s ok – you can drop me now…” Does that succeed in making you feel less attached to the outcome?

    I think I will try it to see…. I haven’t heard from LVGuy for a couple of days.

    Ok LVGuy – you can drop me now… mmmm. I can’t think of a reason right now. Because I don’t feel attached to the outcome anymore…. how’s that?



  163.  #163Daria on June 7, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    Brenda – I think i WAS turning down the idea mostly because it felt like a lot of effort to me

    yes the debate between using my boy energy to go out there, vs feeling comfy at home

    I am not turning down rich men tho hehe

    in fact, i woudl LOVE to have a rich or poor man (i guess this is offtopic) pay my bills this month

    sigh

    i feel unworthy and like that kinda stuff doesn’t happen to me

    my nv says it only happens to more confident (and then it judges and says shallow) women

    i feel jealous

    i WANT THAT

    i want men to feel inspired to pay my bills

    hehe

    can you pay my bills, can you pay my telephone bill, can you pay my automobile, can you pay my credit card bill… if so then maybe we could chill

    lol

    i feel unworthy and uncomfortable with it and im sure im pushing it away



  164.  #164mary on June 7, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    can i join into the conversation here?

    about being feminine…

    i have three brothers. i hung out with them and we climbed around in the creek my whole childhood. i could throw a perfect spiral football, win all the races at school (from running from the tickling monsters) and i won the ping pong tournament in high school.

    then i went to college. still a bit of a tomboy, but softening a lot.

    then i got married. and i read the book, “Fascinating Womanhood.” it describes all the little, tiny things you can do to thrill a man, like tying his tie, and then, when it’s completely tied, just pushing on it and patting it a bit… little things like that… !!!

    and i relaxed, finally.

    and found that all of those things came so naturally. and it was okay to not like spiders and to let my husband carry the heavy stuff, etc. and i just really, really enjoyed being a woman, and a girly girl, etc…

    i think that book just gave me permission to go ahead and get out the pink feathers…



  165.  #165Daria on June 7, 2010 at 10:38 pm

    umm..

    Sweetpea and Mary – I feel AWFUL thinking of you guys thinking that way!!

    ok you can drop me now?

    what

    what about — I am the oxygen you NEED to BREATHE!!!

    from modern siren

    what about – this man will be back because im irresistible – and ALL my men come back to me

    from Daria



  166.  #166Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    The hardest thing for me with Rori’s tools is that I treated them more like rules. And it was mind-boggling because I was always wondering whether I did this right, or if I should have done something else. This blog has helped me out so much because I see that the tools are actually very fluid. They are all about baby steps and being authentic. And it’s not like a rule book at all. To me, it’s more about the baby steps until things feel authentic and then you move on to the next baby step.

    Does that make sense?



  167.  #167Daria on June 7, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    I was a MAJOR tomboy until I found Rori’s stuff and practicing with it…

    i didn’t agree with any of it (men and women are different – yeah RIGHT!! well I AM JUST LIKE A MAN)

    but i was desperate after a man to try

    then the Aha moments kicked in

    and now i KNOW i am POWERFUL as a woman

    (i thought women were weak)



  168.  #168mary on June 7, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    funny! sweet pea… and hello! i’ve never talked with you before… !!!



  169.  #169Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    Mary – I totally identify with you. Except that after all the tomboy stuff, I was forced to wear dresses from the time I was about 13 til I left home – so I really rebelled against being feminine for awhile. It feels good to release all of that and just be.



  170.  #170mary on June 7, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    okay, Island Man.

    i emailed you.

    i am the oxygen you need to breathe! and i no longer await your response because i know you’ll be nudging yourself up to me very soon… !



  171.  #171Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    Hi Mary! My name is actually Mary – but since there already is a Mary I went with my beloved nickname from my Dad.

    Pleased to chat with you!



  172.  #172Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    Me too, Daria. Now I say “I’m a girl” with PRIDE! Sometimes I even think of myself as a sissy girl. That’s a huge step for me!

    Now that I know it doesn’t matter if anyone thinks I’m a sissy – I KNOW I have all the power!!!!! muahahaha

    lol



  173.  #173Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    Daria,

    I feel sad that you feel unworthy and like that kinda stuff doesn’t happen to you. I hope you find a man who needs YOU to breathe very soon!

    I know I felt a tremendous growth spurt in my self-esteem when I went from inmates and alcoholics to a well-known leader being attracted to me. I felt astounded. I suddenly saw myself in his eyes. After that, I realized that there was attraction in the eyes of other leaders, too.

    I realized that it’s not about being rich…it’s about having a rich personality and true, compassionate, unfailing love. That’s the kind of rich man I want, no matter how much money he has! No one is better than anyone else.



  174.  #174mary on June 7, 2010 at 10:47 pm

    oh! there was a dress code in our high school.

    dresses only! and our dresses were mini skirts that were about 10″ above the knee…

    and there were no panty hose then.

    and my hair was long, to my waist. and the drinking fountain was low, below my waist. and there were lines of boys always behind me and every other female… imagine holding four or five textbooks, trying to get your hair out of the way, and leaning down for water?

    and going up the stairs… !!!

    but yes! DRESSES.



  175.  #175mary on June 7, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    oh, Mary! i’m sorry i took your name! my name is not really Mary… oh! i feel bad about that… but i do love Sweet Pea.



  176.  #176Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    I started embracing skirts again a few years back. I think that was the beginning of my journey back to my feminine power.

    I wasn’t allowed to wear anything shorter than mid-calf! Dumpy, Dumpy!! Well on a teenager, for sure! I would have welcomed something sexier!

    Funny how things so similar can be soooo different, isn’t it Mary?



  177.  #177mary on June 7, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    you know what?

    all my men do come back to me!

    every single one of them!

    oh! that’s so comforting.



  178.  #178Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    Isn’t that interesting??? So many of us were tomboys! Me too! I always tried to seek acceptance from my brothers by acting like them.

    When I was in my 20s or so, a mature mother of one of my friends called me on it, really talking heart to heart with me about embracing my femininity. At first, I acted like it wasn’t true, and I was just funning around acting masculine. But then I went deep and had a good cry at home later and went thru a long term process of transitioning.

    Since finding Rori’s programs, I feel far more feminine than ever, and I feel so good about it. This has been healing to my very identity, which is so wrapped up in our sexuality!



  179.  #179Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    lmao Mary. I think Sweetpea is better for me anyway, it helps me to bring out the scared little girl in me. She is growing pretty bold now! It was meant to be! No worries!!!!



  180.  #180Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    It is interesting that so many of us were tomboys. I think it is rare to find a woman anywhere (else) who truly embraces her femininity though.

    It DOES feel good! Very refreshing! Like… running through the sprinkler on a hot summer day!



  181.  #181Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    That’s so wrong that you were required to wear mini-dresses. I was required to wear dresses or skirts both in elementary school and college, so I rebelled against it for a while.

    Then a counselor told me that a man likes to see a woman in a dress and with long hair. I took notes! 🙂 After that, I was okay with wearing dresses.



  182.  #182Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    Ahhh. I heard all that and didn’t particularly care! I would rather have beat them at leg wrestling!!

    lol. I’ve come a loooonnnnggg way!



  183.  #183Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    The long hair I still want, but it’s prematurely graying on me and gets fried if I leave it long. So I go as long as I possibly can while still keeping it healthy. (Sigh)



  184.  #184mary on June 7, 2010 at 10:58 pm

    i’m in this gorgeous, beautiful place at a job interview that went really well today! yes! kind of a partnership thing!

    oh, that makes me one baby step closer to MORE ME, as you were saying, daria! (i loved it when you said that!)

    and one step less concerned about the men in my life. and old flame has been really encouraging me, saying things like, “you’re gonna wow them!”

    and i like that.

    and more talks tomorrow!

    oh, the key for me with men is getting my own life straight, just as Rori says. and it’s happening! bit by bit. slowly but surely. and i’m so THRILLED that that’s what makes the difference with my personal vibe, because taking steps to better myself and get a more wonderful life, all by myself, is totally in my control!

    i love it when i can be in control of something! it makes me need less control in my relationships…



  185.  #185Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    Mary – See? Even the guy who’s heart you broke at 19 (was it 19?) came back!

    Yes ma’am! You’ve got it going on!!!



  186.  #186Sweetpea on June 7, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    I feel completely out of control right now. In every area EXCEPT my personal growth. Which is leaping and bounding!!! So the rest of it…. (shrug)… I’m ok with. I am extremely thankful for the time to take care of me. The time to learn and grow and be a better me!

    Good for you though, Mary! Soon I’ll get to move on to the rest of my life too!



  187.  #187mary on June 7, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    hey Sweet Pea…

    i put just a rinse on my hair every time i wash it. it takes two seconds. it looks so natural! and doesn’t go into the roots, so it doesn’t damage my hair. my hair is really long…

    Island Man was saying the other how pretty it was… the places where it is gray look like blonde highlights. people are constantly asking me why i don’t have any gray – they know it isn’t dyed.

    the product i use is called FanciFull. i love it!



  188.  #188Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    Okay, it’s been a week since Ryan called, which was the first time he called in several months. I am almost sure he is testing me, which feels icky.

    In the past, I overfunctioned and texted and called him way too much. I have stopped all that now, and I let him know I am not going to do that anymore if he renews the friendship (he’s scared of the word relationship).

    Since testing is icky and he has treated me badly many times in the past, what is the thing to do when he finally gets around to calling me again? I welcome any feedback.



  189.  #189mary on June 7, 2010 at 11:10 pm

    hello Brenda!

    be surprised!

    be nonchalant.

    be into your life.

    be into your friends.

    be into your family.

    be into your hobbies.

    be happy.

    whatever you say will reflect those things and you’ll say all the right things.



  190.  #190mary on June 7, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    it’s funny to be without pain.

    i might have been a lil addicted to the pain of being with R.

    now there’s no more drama.

    funny that i miss that a bit…



  191.  #191Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    Thanks, Mary! I am doing those things…well I guess where I’m going is I am becoming more willing to let go of him since he IS a PROVEN toxic man. I want to keep him in my life, yet over and over, I have been hurt. I miss him. I love him. But I am getting closer to accepting advice that says walk the other way. Should I say goodbye when he calls and tell him why? And if so, is there any chance he will come back? I mean, if and only if he changes, I would really like to be in his life, if only as a friend. He is extremely unique. Just really rethinking if I want to be warm and open when he calls again. Warm and open have gotten me nothing but pain.



  192.  #192Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 11:24 pm

    I could say, “Ryan, I love you. But I love me, too. I feel unsafe when I am around you, or any level of contact, really. If you became free from schizophrenia, I would welcome you back into my life. But as it stands now, I just can’t handle any more pain. What do you think?”

    I am just testing these words. For me to actually say them would be as difficult as me walking to California from Pennsylvania, and highly unlikely. But I might. I would be TOTALLY shifting the vibe from overfunctioning to leaning back way far.



  193.  #193mary on June 7, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    well… Brenda.

    here’s what i do:

    i don’t usually talk about relationships. when i share my feelings with men, it’s usually about the good things that are going on… like, “i heard from my mother today and that felt so wonderful.”

    i wouldn’t say goodbye and then tell him why. why do you have to be a predictor of the future? why do there need to be any goodbyes? (read Rori’s recent posts to find where she talks about this!)

    if you’re trying to move on from Ryan, and he constantly contacts you, you can do the No Contact Rule… download it here: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-no-contact-rule/

    that worked with R. i just did it instinctively. and began to get out of the pain immediately. and feel some personal power. it felt great!

    when i talk to him it throws me back into the drama…



  194.  #194Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    Okay, I don’t like the “I love you” part. Even tho it is true, it is leaning forward. Hmmm…

    “Ryan, I care about you, but I care about me, too…”

    Yeah, that’s better. I might. It might be one of the most difficult things to say in my life, because the old me is missing him with tears. It would be so hard to push him away again just when he is coming near.



  195.  #195mary on June 7, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    if there’s a problem, i will share feelings. but i don’t direct the guy to not call me any more. i don’t close off with him so much.

    although i did tell R that i didn’t want to be his friend. and we said our goodbyes.

    i wouldn’t mention his mental illness…

    “Ryan… I feel pain when i’m with you. I don’t want to keep the drama alive, so I’m considering a break to focus on my life and the things I need to do to move forward. What do you think?”



  196.  #196Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    Mary,

    Thank you for your feedback! I am the Queen of Overfunctioning! I have been known to text Ryan 30-40 times a day. I feel embarrassed sharing that, but I am telling you who you are dealing with here. I have loved him more than I ever loved any other man. We were on the verge of being engaged last July.

    I don’t know if you have had the chance to read my other posts about him, but he is about as toxic as they come. He led me on to believe he was about to propose, and then instead he said it’s just a friendship. i’m not in love with you.

    Over and over, he has hurt me at a deep psychological level. He has tested me 100s of times, and he is the most distrustful human being I have ever encountered. I have told him in the past how uncomfortable I am with him forever testing me.

    I haven’t heard from him hardly at all for a few months, and he is “renewing” the friendship by more testing? Other women on here said testing is infantile and really icky. I agree.

    I have let a toxic relationship go on way too long. I only wish the issue were him contacting me too much! Ha! That would be a dream come true!

    I have been an emotional wreck for going on a year over him. I have come a long way. Now that he appears to be on the verge of coming back into my life, I am finally getting it clear in my head how bad he is for me.

    I feel really confused and vulnerable in a not-safe way.



  197.  #197mary on June 7, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    what do you want, Brenda?



  198.  #198Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 11:39 pm

    Mary, I think your feeling message is the gist of what I need to say to him, but don’t want to say to him. Everything in me wants to take him back in my arms and cuddle with him and tell him how much I’ve missed him. We HAVE been taking a break, for most of the time between November 2009 to now. Mostly texting in between and we saw each other three times in the past 7 months. Sometimes I miss him so bad I feel I can’t stand it one more second. I have resisted going to the places where I know he hangs out. But I gave in over and over again to my urges to overfunction, and i texted and called him to an extreme. I feel more empowered now just leaving him alone.



  199.  #199Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    I don’t know if I should welcome him back as if he hasn’t treated me with gross disrespect for the last while, and then just give feeling messages as issues arise…or if I should quit letting him walk all over my heart and just not let him back in.

    I am too broken inside where he is concerned to see it objectively. It’s okay Mary, it is just too complex. I am sorry if I am frustrating you.



  200.  #200mary on June 7, 2010 at 11:45 pm

    well, how did it feel when you were texting to an extreme?

    how did it feel when you’re missing him? what do you GET out of missing him? what is missing him keeping you from feeling? what is missing him keeping him from doing? i.e., why do you keep missing him? (it serves you in some way…)

    and how do you feel now that he’s contacted you again? it doesn’t seem like you’re feeling happy. because he’s not coming completely forward… with apologies, with new inspirations and epiphanies, with plans for the both of you… is he?



  201.  #201mary on June 7, 2010 at 11:47 pm

    isn’t he just hanging out, dipping in a bit and trying to see if you’ll take him back?

    i asked R this: “what made you think you could just waltz right in and out of my life like that?”

    and he said, “because you let me.”



  202.  #202Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 11:50 pm

    It seems every time he moves in my direction, it is for the purpose of setting me up for more hurt.

    He wrote a breathtaking poem with me, the most romantic thing a man has ever done with me. He sang a song in karaoke about working hard to buy a ring. At the same time, he went into debt. At the same time, he silently borrowed a ring of mine, presumably to size an engagement ring. He showed up at my house unexpectedly, which was unheard of for him (my friend was there, and she told me later). He waited for me two hours, leaving my own ring front and center in my bathroom. When I got home and found it, it was all conclusive evidence he was leading up to a proposal, and he may have even come that day to propose.

    A week later, he told me it was just a friendship and he wasn’t in love with me.

    He made out with me another week, and he pleasured me. The next week, he led me to believe we were going to go do that again. Instead, at the last minute, he wanted me to drop him off at home, cuz he had to get up early.

    He said he would come to counseling at long last. He showed up, but instead of being cooperative, he used it as an opportunity to try to embarrass me in front of my counselor.

    Now he calls me, which he hasn’t done since January, and then ignores my callback for a week. Once more, as far as I’m concerned, he led me to believe he was moving closer, only to hurt me by not following up on his unexpected call.

    I hurt inside. I love him. I’m conflicted.



  203.  #203mary on June 7, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    well, maybe you need to just get back on the merry-go-round and go around again?

    i hear you saying that you’re in pain but that you’re conflicted.

    i understand pain. i do. i haven’t walked in your shoes, but my shoes were pretty worn out and painful.

    i did try again with R. in a circular dating kind of way, that didn’t work, because we had been engaged… and were very close… and he didn’t get it. maybe it wasn’t the perfect scenario for circular dating…

    and now i have to let it go. i feel peaceful about it.

    you do what you feel propelled to do, unless you can learn enough to change your leanings.



  204.  #204Daria on June 7, 2010 at 11:56 pm

    Brenda I think Mary asked some great questions that would lead to feeling your feelings about your part in this pattern and getting to healing.



  205.  #205Brenda on June 7, 2010 at 11:57 pm

    Mary,

    Thanks for your feedback. I felt icky when I was texting him too much. I think unconsciously, I was trying to sabotage the relationship, because it is the closest I’ve ever been to a human being. I think I was also testing him to see if he had unconditional love. I felt good for a little, like I got my fix, but I felt gross overall, knowing my contact wasn’t welcome.

    What did I get out of missing him? Sadness, pain, emptiness, loneliness. I don’t think I’m getting anything good out of missing him.

    But how do you spend months of seeing someone every night, being completely in love with him, sharing your heart of hearts, and then act like nothing happened when he walks away?

    When two people are deeply in love and they are separated for whatever reason, like being in the military, it is considered beautiful when they miss each other.

    Why is it so evil and wrong to miss someone you are in love with just cuz the relationship is over? You still love them. I don’t know how to turn love on and off like a faucet.

    I miss him just because I was so deeply in love with him, before he started hurting me at every turn.



  206.  #206mary on June 7, 2010 at 11:58 pm

    i felt very much like i wanted to connect with Island Man tonight. and he isn’t emailing me back. i knew better! and i feel a loss that he didn’t respond immediately, even if he went to sleep early and didn’t get my message! i still feel the loss.

    but i did it to myself. next time i’ll know more…

    i forgive myself. i love sweet Mary who just wants to share and love and be loved in return.



  207.  #207Daria on June 8, 2010 at 12:00 am

    im not a big fan of island man… he sounds like not such a stepper upper…



  208.  #208Daria on June 8, 2010 at 12:00 am

    but who knows
    thank goodness for the river of men!

    and Goddessness



  209.  #209Daria on June 8, 2010 at 12:01 am

    its my birthday!

    yahoooo!



  210.  #210Brenda on June 8, 2010 at 12:03 am

    Thank you. I will think about the questions you asked. Yes, I do want Ryan to be apologizing and coming back in a loving way. But I know he is incapable of that until he gets free of schizophrenia. So in answer to what do I want? I want him to be free of schizophrenia. I believe the happy life I want with him would follow.

    I am mourning because it started out so beautiful: cuddling and pillow talk. Why would anyone want that to change? I want cuddling and pillow talk back at the very least. They were the most beautiful months of my entire life. I miss Ryan.



  211.  #211dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 12:04 am

    “188: Brendasays:

    Okay, it’s been a week since Ryan called, which was the first time he called in several months. I am almost sure he is testing me, which feels icky.

    In the past, I overfunctioned and texted and called him way too much. I have stopped all that now, and I let him know I am not going to do that anymore if he renews the friendship (he’s scared of the word relationship).

    Since testing is icky and he has treated me badly many times in the past, what is the thing to do when he finally gets around to calling me again? I welcome any feedback.”

    WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i feel so good reading this about your leaning back and being with your feelings. this is way awesome weee i feel excited (yes, to confirm your suspicions, i AM a total spazz).



  212.  #212Daria on June 8, 2010 at 12:04 am

    im 28!

    i made it past the ghetto death age (umm thank you voice haha – and dman inspired that thought also)

    yayy

    im alive!

    im 28

    28 feels fresh

    a new stage

    i do believe we spiritually develop in 7’s!



  213.  #213Brenda on June 8, 2010 at 12:04 am

    Good night! Thanks again! It’s 3 am here!



  214.  #214mary on June 8, 2010 at 12:04 am

    well, i don’t think that missing him is right or wrong. isn’t it a feeling more than something you’re doing that can be judged like that?

    but… missing him might have a purpose in your life.

    like i was saying before, it’s kinda new for me to be so pain free! i’m more in my Mary skin, and there’s nowhere to turn, no one to blame, things are okay, and i’m just doing my thing. there’s an element of fear that comes with being so without drama. you know? i mean, there’s nothing to focus on but stuff like my job interview, how i’m going to get my life on track in other areas, and what i’m going to do about those few little pounds that i gained when i was studying…

    i mean, if i could still miss R, i wouldn’t have to be thinking about those things, or making decisions about them, or whatever. i could just be trying to get out of the pain of R.

    you know?



  215.  #215Brenda on June 8, 2010 at 12:06 am

    I appreciate you sharing your wisdom with me in such a tactful way, Mary! Thanks again! I’ll think about all you said!



  216.  #216mary on June 8, 2010 at 12:08 am

    DARIA!

    i celebrate the day you were born!

    i celebrate the new year you’re starting!

    i celebrate the things i’ve learned from you!

    i celebrate the spirit of comradarie that i have with you!

    Happy Birthday.

    Today is your day!!!

    Hooray!



  217.  #217Daria on June 8, 2010 at 12:11 am

    Thanks Mary!!!



  218.  #218mary on June 8, 2010 at 12:20 am

    Brenda, i feel sad that you’re going through so much confusion and pain right now.

    get in that saddle and point yourself somewhere and say a “Yeeha, let’s GOOOOOOOOO!”

    then just ride.



  219.  #219mary on June 8, 2010 at 12:22 am

    oh! i never did eat dinner, and i’m so hungry. little town here, have to wait until morning. okay! so those pounds will start coming of right now! that’s cool.



  220.  #220mary on June 8, 2010 at 12:25 am

    ummmmmm…

    daria.

    have you decided what you’re gonna do TODAY?



  221.  #221mary on June 8, 2010 at 12:27 am

    and you’re right.

    island man is not super stepping up.

    old flame is, in the only way he can, in the situation he’s in. and that feels so good!

    i’ve always loved old flame.

    i feel strangely as though my heart is coming back to me. i need to guard it and keep it safe for a while. not let it be up for grabs again…



  222.  #222Ankita on June 8, 2010 at 12:40 am

    Happy Birthday Tallgirl…. 🙂
    How did your day went???



  223.  #223Laughing goddess on June 8, 2010 at 12:58 am

    Yay! Happy birthday to the summer June sunshine goddesses!!!

    happy birthday Tallgirl

    happy birthday Daria

    happy birthday Lucy

    and happy birthday to me on monday!



  224.  #224Ankita on June 8, 2010 at 1:03 am

    Sweetpea

    RE# 52

    I feel I should sue this statement with my brother-in-law…
    I feel little uncomfortable and afraid saying this… I don’t mind giving you my number, but I feel sis won’t find it right… What do you think we should do????

    How is it???

    RE # 75

    Right now am just looking for dates, just looking for people who can take me out on dates, and on whom I can practice.. Right now, am not looking for a committed relationship, as I may not have much time in hand right now, for a committed relationship…
    So, I feel what you said, is appropriate…. That I just wanna date right now…!!



  225.  #225Ankita on June 8, 2010 at 1:09 am

    I feel like it’s been a birthday week… 😀

    So Happy Birthday tallgirl

    Happy Birthday Daria

    Happy Birthday Lucy

    Happy Birthday Laughing Goddess….. 🙂



  226.  #226Ankita on June 8, 2010 at 1:11 am

    Brenda

    Re# 109

    I read your story…. it was awesome… So sensuous…. You know what, your story compelled me to fantasize about myself with a 0h-so-hot guy….!! 😉



  227.  #227Alicia on June 8, 2010 at 4:31 am

    Ladies & Ankita-

    Thanks for your response.. I should clarify the second date guy (I have known him for 6 months and we went out before very briefly) He was the first person I went out with after I felt broken hearted over my last guy. I fear I sound like a “whore” saying I did that on the 2nd date.. It was more like the 3rd.. haha. (like that makes a difference).. He was angry at me when I said bye to a guy my friend was trying to get away from.. I just swooshed in when she gave me the “save me” signal.. haha.. And was bieng (fun silly) and said bye Akon to him.. Youre sooo beautiful… (started singing) smiled and waved C-ya then grabbed my friends hand so we could leave… But, my date was like… Alicia that is how men get into fights!!!! You don’t do that!! I was shocked he had such a reaction… And I felt a little controlled.. it was like a 90 second thing he blew up over.. Anyway. Yes..He is in my “history folder” where he belongs..

    But, yep… I feel pressure sometimes to be more sexual then I am ready for. Although.. I have not had sex in a 1year and 1/2 OMG!!!! The longest I have ever gone! I just want it to come from a place in my heart and not out of expectation or like “I have to so they will stay interested (old way I thought) OR… I’m so caught up in the moment I throw all caution out the window… and forget about how I’ll feel a little later. I’ve had more physical then intimate realtionships and that is what I’m trying to find a good balance with. 🙂 Apparently I have gone to the opposite extreme… now. I just dating guys I feel a little bored with to be honest..



  228.  #228Alicia on June 8, 2010 at 4:32 am

    HAPPPPPPPPPPY BIRTHDAY!!! DARIA!!!

    I hope you feel super special and beautiful day… I tossing imaginary sparkles at you! 🙂



  229.  #229Alicia on June 8, 2010 at 4:35 am

    Brenda..

    Maybe you should write romance novels? haha… I felt girly reading your post.. You are creative and beautifully expressive!



  230.  #230tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 4:42 am

    I am back. I felt sick reading your responses. I was not purposely playing games. OMG, I feel nauseous.

    Here is the deal, I sent the “:-)” because:
    A. I was practicing leaning back and not expecting stuff.
    B. Because I had seen him for 36 hours just 15 hours before. And it had been hot and heavy, I did not want him to feel pressured.
    C. He was just acknowledging my birthday, if he was really engaging, he would have asked how my night was and if I got some rest because that is where we had left it.
    D. Also, to no overshare, but I had already been very appreciative of some things he had given me the past evening, and was feeling vulnerable that I was too loud and too thankful.

    Have I totally messed this up? It did not occur to me that I should engage more. I felt like I was already giving him some space so he could miss me a little, and I was working.

    I already woke up this morning totally panicked. Now I have no idea what to do.

    I am so upset at the idea that we will end up like last time – which is when we went out three times and he then he did not contact me for 10 days.

    Now you are all telling me that I leaned back too far! That was not my intent at all.

    Oh jeez, I am close to tears.



  231.  #231tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 4:44 am

    Also, I was at work, and he knows I am very busy.

    The night before I had thanked him for the ahem, I had thanked him for introducing me to his friend. I was feeling like my thank yous were becoming almost begging.

    I feel sick.
    I feel sad.
    I feel concerned.
    I feel cornered.

    I can’t undo what I did. How do I proceed from here?

    Does he feel rejected????



  232.  #232tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 4:45 am

    happy birthday ladies!



  233.  #233Alicia on June 8, 2010 at 4:46 am

    Rori-

    Will you consider at least posting your response to the “sex” post?

    There was something you said at the bottom paragraph that caught my attention, it was in between the points you were making. I think it said something like..

    “we with hold when they are trying or dont accept guys when they are really vulnerable.. and we ovefunction at other time…”

    (Those are all my words) haha..

    Whatever you said stuck out to me and I was going to copy and save it.. I just know it was in the lower half of your response to the o-sex original question and post.. I hope it strikes your memory.. I thought it was awesome.. “aha” moment for me when I read it..



  234.  #234tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 4:53 am

    I just reread these threads. I was so happy to hear from him, but I have a lot of fear that he feels pressured and rushed. He came on so strong after the second date and then totally backed off.

    I do not want him to think that because we had one romp and I met his friend, I think we are a couple.

    I have no idea what he is telling people, or told the friend.

    I can’t believe I blew it like this. I feel sick.

    I have so much fear. I really did not want him to think I was not interested. I am very interested, but I did not want him to think all I think about was him. I wanted him to know I got the the text, but not feel like we had to talk talk talk because we had fooled around. Also, since he did not ask a question, I did not feel really open to engaging more.

    Does all of this make sense?

    Please help! I can’t believe I blew it like this! I really do like him.



  235.  #235tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 4:55 am

    I feel like I just withheld when he was trying, but not so sure a birthday message is really trying that hard.

    Of my, I feel sick.



  236.  #236Alicia on June 8, 2010 at 4:57 am

    I like this new article!

    I like how it’s very cliff note style.. and easy steps… I working on the love myself and others… And combining this inforamtion with “welcome all men as your therapist” works easily together.. opening your heart in baby steps.. Now I notice or even pay special attention to something as simple as when a guy hands me my food from take out or drive thru or a bank teller.. I make a point to make eye contact and say.. Thank you.. (not just grab it and say thanks like it was nothing..) It was something.. even on the smallest scale I received.. haha



  237.  #237Alicia on June 8, 2010 at 5:03 am

    Tall girl…

    Stay with how you “feel”……. I havent read all the post but right away I notice you said.. “I have no idea with what he is telling people” How do you know if he is? (It’s 6:59am where I am.. haha.) My point is be in the present.. dont worry or predict/project the future.. let that worry stuff go… unless you want to attract what you are worried about.. Just focus on your feeling in the moment in what you are physically doing.. (aside from thinking about him) use Rori’s tools… feel your hair, your key board, you work at work… create that space… I feel stressed reading your post.. lol.. I want to feel peaceful! So, I’m headed to the gym.. Feel better!!



  238.  #238Rachel on June 8, 2010 at 5:07 am

    Brenda,

    #198 … “Everything in me wants to take him back in my arms and cuddle with him and tell him how much I’ve missed him.”

    This jumped out at me. You wrote that this is what YOU want to do … and yet I believe in your deep heart this is what you want a MAN to do for you!

    It sounds like Ryan is not in a healthy place to be able to give to YOU and pour into YOU.

    Remember the water wheel? I want you to be receiving beautiful love coming toward you… where the man takes YOU in his arms and cuddles YOU and whispers how much he misses YOU.

    Hold that picture and let Ryan be Ryan. Like Mary said, I don’t think you have to completely close the door with a formal good-bye, but it’s time that you turn and face the waterwheel. Your heart has been dry for a long time.

    Remember that we are each loved by a Universal Lover who pours love toward us each day. Sit near the wheel today and enjoy the many ways that he will love you today … wind in your hair, sun on your shoulders, songs, the scent of a flower. These are all him reaching out to hold you and whisper his love.

    Hugs.



  239.  #239tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 5:07 am

    I really felt like the smiley face was a thank you. An acknowledgment that it made me happy! I am not really sure I see it as something different.



  240.  #240Alicia on June 8, 2010 at 5:11 am

    Tall Girl..

    I feel like things are fine.. I’m not sure what you are worried about.. Trust yourself.. Sex always makes people feel vulernable.. but, if the was a presex text you would be feeling fine.. so no worries

    Everything is good.. just stay leaned back.. He wouldn’t have responded at all if he didn’t care. Now really be all about you and he will hit you up… I’m sure..



  241.  #241Rachel on June 8, 2010 at 5:12 am

    Mary

    I remember Rori saying that the only time it’s ok to lean forward is when we are sharing something exciting or beautiful. This gives a man a window into our heart and an opportunity to fall more in love with us as we are living our beautiful lives.

    That is what you did with Island Man last night! You just let him see more of beautiful you. Now you will see more of him. Can this man dance? Can he row? Can he prove himself worthy of such a woman?

    His response doesn’t say anything about you! But it will tell you a lot about him.

    By the way … I LOVE what you wrote to Brenda so much that I wrote it down! I think it’s perfect advice for you today:

    be surprised!

    be nonchalant.

    be into your life.

    be into your friends.

    be into your family.

    be into your hobbies.

    be happy.

    Hugs!



  242.  #242Alicia on June 8, 2010 at 5:14 am

    Rachel –

    Great post!! I’m saving that as a reminder.. it’s all true! That is what we all want for him to come to us and hug and squeeze us.. We want that support. I’m going to play in my own water fountain that is overflowing..
    ——————————————–
    Okay.. I seriously feel like my A.D.D. is kicking in.. haha. I’ve got to go to the gym. I’m on a new schedule my classes started yesterday..

    Have a good one, everyone!!



  243.  #243tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 5:24 am

    Alicia,

    I am confused. He did not respond to my text.

    Short version – third date, we have a sleep over, he is attentive and cuddly, we go to concert together, I meet his friend, and then a simple “Happy Birthday” text. To that I respond with a “:-)”.

    Now everyone is saying I am leaning too far back.

    And I am feeling very vulnerable. We did not sleep together, but did heavy third base.



  244.  #244Ankita on June 8, 2010 at 5:33 am

    Alicia

    Don’t worry… You don’t sound like a “whore”, it’s a common mistake women make… Personally, I think, that we shouldn’t set any time line, like 3rd date, or even 9th date, for it, We can go whenever we feel comfortable.. That’s what i feel, and do.. 🙂

    You gave the details of that “bye” thing, and I don’t feel it’s something on which you should be called upon. i mean, you both are friend, so you can definitely help her when she asks you to.

    I can feel your pressure in sex. Next time, if you don’t feel comfy having sex, or feel pressure, you can use, “I feel uncomfortable, I feel it’s all moving too fast. I feel pressured, and that’s not what I want to feel in our dating or relationship.” Does that help?

    You said, “I’m so caught up in the moment I throw all caution out the window… and forget about how I’ll feel a little later.”, in that case, I feel, Rori’s post, https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/dont-get-hung-up-on-him-even-if-youve-slept-with-him/, should help you. Have you gone through it?

    It has a paragraph which states, “If you should decide in the moment that experiencing pleasure with a man feels good and you want to go ahead and do it, and then later on you find yourself all bound to him hormonally and wish you hadn’t done it, just file it away for next time..”



  245.  #245Alicia on June 8, 2010 at 7:32 am

    Thanks Ankita..

    I’ll read the post you sent me in depth.. Yes you are right I was out with my date – Aaron and my good friend Shelly.. If I wanted to help or even talk to another guy it’s not something I should be called upon. After all I met Aaron out that night.. So it’s not like he owned me. 🙂



  246.  #246Alicia on June 8, 2010 at 7:34 am

    Tall Girl –

    I think you are fine.. He’s probably playing cool.. He’ll text you I’m sure.. and when he does then you can say the “I feel” thing… Like hey you.. feels good to hear from ya..

    I think you are in the clear.. you don’t sound too leaned back.. not to me..



  247.  #247sia on June 8, 2010 at 7:34 am

    Tallgirl
    i usually just read the posts and try to soak them up.. I feel tightening in my throat reading yours. So sorry you are questioning your smiley text! I would have written the same. It is just one text, taking it out of context and dissecting it gives it enormous importance. I believe the analysing of every single word is just a symptom of the disease – of insecurity – and it is insecurity which sends men running, not any of the words.

    Rori says our vibe shines tru everything..Imagine your text guy is showing your smiley text to all his friends and stresses about how you don’t care for him. Does it feel attractive to you?

    My mantras for ideal me: I do what I feel without fear,if someone contributes a bit to my life I will say something appreciative – but at the same time feeling yes, I am worth this. Without trying to work for it one bit.

    Now I practise that but the trouble is I am not attracted to my ‘practise targets’ – yet..



  248.  #248mary on June 8, 2010 at 7:46 am

    hey Rachel, thank you!

    Tall Girl,

    you sound like you’re in agony! i’m so sorry you couldn’t have felt better about him on your birthday. from the outside it all sounds okay; at the moment you’re just double-dancing to future craziness that might not even happen! we all do that, don’t we?

    maybe try just staying in your angst and letting it free-flow all around you? and tell yourself: this is what it’s like when i’m with him! because he isn’t ___________ (consistent, or stepping up enough, or making me feel solid and secure, etc.)

    and then ask: how long do i want to feel this way? and give yourself a cutoff point! (i’ll do this for six more months… i’ll do this for two more weeks… but then i need so and so or such and such…)

    i don’t know! but it sounds like what i go through sometimes when i’m overthinking things.



  249.  #249Tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 7:59 am

    When I am with him, I have a really nice time. But, he is not very expressive so I have no sense if he is more happy when he is with me then other people. Even when we were fooling around, I find it difficult to tell what he likes and what he doesn’t, whereas for me, it is abundantly clear ;-).

    Also, since we went out three times last time and then he disappeared for 10 days, I am feeling very very vulnerable. This time, I am not angry, but I was really hurt and some of that is coming back into my head.

    Since I expect men to be in love with me from moment one, I have fairly unrealistic expectations. Wanting to see me weekly, being in a lot of contact, telling me at the end of the date he wants to see me. He is not that guy, at least for me.

    I have a very hard time seeing the positive signs that men are interested.

    I felt great that he contacted me on my birthday, and it made me smile, that is why I sent the smiley face.

    But, I am feeling anxious, and vulnerable, and scared.



  250.  #250Tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 8:00 am

    and I am feeling optimistic, and excited.

    So, is everyone on board that I should still let him contact me?



  251.  #251mary on June 8, 2010 at 8:09 am

    yes, of course!

    let him contact you.

    he can always contact you.

    you decide if you want to reciprocate, that’s all!

    but next time, just be yourself and reply. then quit thinking about it. if he can’t handle your replies, how in the world could you ever be married to him?



  252.  #252mary on June 8, 2010 at 8:14 am

    one thing that really helped me a lot when i was getting over R (and going out on dates was really the thing that did it, but this helped too…)

    was this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDEEzS7OV2k

    i watched this about three times and didn’t need to watch it any more.

    this is almost me! long hair, piano player, in the woods by a stream in BC… wow!

    and the words are PERFECT. exactly my story. pinpoint. laser beam.

    i looked at this video and thought: here is this gorgeous, beautiful girl, all alone in the enchanted forest, singing a sad song on a piano that is coming apart at the seams… she is not seeing the beauty! it’s everywhere… in the river, the forest, the leaves, the critters, in the sunlight streaming through, in her own voice, in her own gorgeous beautiful body and hair… what is she DOING?

    just PINING her youth and beauty away?

    after three times watching it, i just had to get out there and start celebrating life again…



  253.  #253Tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 8:19 am

    I was myself with my reply. It was after the fact that I felt anxious. Which is always what happens. I am actively trying to be more spontaneous and natural in my communications with him.

    Last week, I realized I was using the texts as a way to stay cool. I would think about every word etc before I would send it so I would seem flirty and fun all the time. What I realized is it was less authentic.

    Since I met up with him at the concert this past weekend, I got some really good just day to day contact practice while we were arranging to meet up. I let him know I was on my way, he said he was elsewhere, and I told him not to rush. When I got there, I let him know I was there, and he let me know I might need a wristband. I thanked him for the heads up and we met up. It all felt super natural.

    Actually what is very interesting is that in the past I erased all his texts and number because I was so afraid I would never hear from him again. It was like I was jinxing him having him in my phone at all. Last week, for some reason I felt comfortable enough that he will show up that I don’t need to do that.



  254.  #254Tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 8:22 am

    I have to be careful and not attribute him to how I feel when I am this fearful. This level of fear is not about him, it is about me and my fear of abondonment and triggers.

    I have been to a councelor about it and she said that this is really deep down stuff that can’t just be overrulled, I feel it, like pain. But that does not mean that he did it.

    No man could ever make me feel safe, because it is my job to make me feel safe.

    With that said, I really do like him, and hope he wants to continue.



  255.  #255Tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 8:23 am

    I tend to read very negatively into signs and if there are any. Think the last newsletter about hot and cold.

    I also feel very anxious about not contacting him, but you all seem to think that is the right way to go.



  256.  #256mary on June 8, 2010 at 8:31 am

    tall girl,

    please don’t contact him!

    i should have waited and not contacted Island Man, even if it was just an outpouring of joy and a description of beauty.

    we’ll be here and you can contact us instead!

    don’t do it!

    if you keep initiating, who will he hunt? he wants to go out hunting, and he wants to bring home a prize! don’t take that away from him! if you do, he’ll hunt someone else.



  257.  #257mary on June 8, 2010 at 8:32 am

    okay!

    i’m going to my second meeting!

    wish me all the good things…

    talk later.



  258.  #258Laughing goddess on June 8, 2010 at 9:09 am

    I love this saying….

    “worrying is like praying for what you don’t want”



  259.  #259Siena on June 8, 2010 at 9:34 am

    I might be a little addicted to men.

    I’m not with them all that much, but a nice note or a smile (or more) from someone who I’m attracted to can really change my mood and make my day.

    I feel so bored with my work – I want to be swept away. I’m actually not bored, I’m just done. Done done done. I wonder if I’ve come to this point in my life so that when I choose a man, there will be a certain amount of “need” in the choosing. I’ve always been very self sufficient, which is aka man repellent.

    Hmmm…

    #1CD is very sweet. He treats me better than I’ve ever been treated. But (don’t get upset ladies, this is not a judgment) he’s divorced with kids and I’ve never been married. I’m struggling with that. He’s been a dad for 10 years, and from what I can see, is very good at it. I’ve been single for a long time – can I just jump into a family situation where he has 10 years of parenting under his belt and I’m a total newbie?

    Do I want to deal with the ex wife who is living off his income still, and lives a very nice life without having to work? (don’t get me started… I’m in meetings all day long to put food on my table!)

    These are things I need to talk to him about for sure.

    hmmm… I would appreciate some guidance from single (or divorced or remarried) moms – I’ve never been in this place before.



  260.  #260Siena on June 8, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Happy Birthday Daria!



  261.  #261dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 9:39 am

    tallgirl, i feel nauseous reading that you feel nauseous! nooo i don’t want you to feel this way. and i’m sorry if i made it seem like you don’t know what the hell you are doing because you are doing great! the only thing i would add is to shove all this worry out of your mind! but this is what i would do.

    you’re doing fine! don’t beat yourself up or overthink a thing. overthinking IS leaning forward and switches your vibe to icky.

    love u. you’re doing fine! ahhh feel better.

    i’m spazz these days haha



  262.  #262Tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 10:05 am

    Dorathea,

    I know no one meant to hurt my feelings. I am just really trying to use these tools, be open, and be myself. They are not always the same thing, if you have experienced that before.



  263.  #263dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 10:09 am

    Sending mucho love your way today, TallGirl!



  264.  #264Tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 10:14 am

    Thanks. I am really trying to stay positive. I know I am overreacting. But, he is so unexpressive, it can be hard.



  265.  #265Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Popping in here, hey Tallgirl I LOVED your smiley face. It felt uber feminine mysterious and magestic. Happy Birthday, BTW.

    Happy birthday to Daria and Lucy too! June is a full month. The 16th will be my daddy’s birthday, but the 17th will be his passing day and then of course father’s day will closely follow too. Awww June so beautiful yet so cruel.



  266.  #266Brenda on June 8, 2010 at 10:20 am

    Thank you everyone for your support regarding Ryan, and I feel more peace about how to proceed. Most importantly, I am pursuing MY life more without feeling it must be attached to his life. Yes, that is what I meant, I want to be in HIS arms and be cuddled by HIM. I meant it as a two way street, for sure.

    Thank you also for your kind comments about my writing. I desire to be an author, and yes, I have considered writing romance novels! But that was the way I chose to respond to Rori’s open offer to describe giving oral sex…to make it less clinical and more emotional, which is the only way I will ever give head again. I’m glad you liked it!



  267.  #267Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Hi Brenda!

    Speaking of writing something’s been weighing on my mind. My sis-in-law to surprise me signed me up for a blog, awwww. But I’m blocked as hell. I have no idea what to write the first topic about. *Sigh* I hate feeling blocked. I really hate it.



  268.  #268Brenda on June 8, 2010 at 10:34 am

    Apple Jacks, that’s cool! Just start writing and then the thots will flow!!



  269.  #269Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 10:45 am

    I don’t know why writing is like going into labor for me!



  270.  #270Daria on June 8, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Siena –

    weird, I think my NOT being self sufficient is man repellent… ah



  271.  #271dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 11:09 am

    I like writing but mostly just poems when I feel something powerful or little things about linguistics. you can go to my blog and check out my ish.



  272.  #272Daria on June 8, 2010 at 11:18 am

    I like putting up pictures articles and videos i like



  273.  #273Tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 11:28 am

    BTW, just to be clear, the only reason why I cared was that under no circumstances did I want him to think for one minute that I am not interested.

    Brenda,
    I reread about Ryan and I feel sad that you have feelings for someone who has so little respect for you. Or at best, is so self obsorbed that he has no idea what signals he is sending. I can only speak for myself, but I have cut men like that out of my life to protect myself and my self esteem. No one is responsible for your self esteem, you are responsible to keep yourself away from people who repeatedly have space in your life where you end up feeling badly about yourself.

    And btw, the same for me.



  274.  #274Lucy on June 8, 2010 at 11:47 am

    Siena and Daria — I think my being mostly self-sufficient but not quite “there” is man repellant.



  275.  #275Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 11:50 am

    My shyness, which I THINK comes off as non self-sufficiency…CAN BE a man repellant. I feel amused, it’s like we’re talking about bugs. I love bugs btw.



  276.  #276Lucy on June 8, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Tallgirl — I agree with those who are saying that YOU ARE DOING JUST FINE!

    A week or so ago you were caught up in trying to appear light and breezy . . . and NOW you are trying to be AUTHENTIC — this is AMAZING PROGRESS!!!!

    The smiley face was perfect because it was your genuine response at the moment.

    Next baby step assignment: STOP SECOND-GUESSING YOURSELF. Just do something else . . . like, look at men on a dating site. 🙂

    You’re doing great. ((hugs))

    <3
    Lucy



  277.  #277Lucy on June 8, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Apple Jacks, I was told by a new boyfriend (when I was a teenager) that my shyness came off as SNOBBERY! I was so shocked to find that out because I am SO not a snob!

    Now I can see it clearly in my daughter — she is very shy around people her age, and it DOES look like snobbery!!!



  278.  #278Lucy on June 8, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Brenda, I like a lot of what the others have said to you about Ryan. I would like to see you date some other men. 🙂



  279.  #279Lucy on June 8, 2010 at 11:55 am

    Thank you for all the birthday wishes everyone.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARIA!!!!!!!!!! 😀



  280.  #280Lucy on June 8, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    I know we are not supposed to analyze what the guy is doing, but Mary, your comment lit a lightbulb in my brain —

    “he wants to go out hunting, and he wants to bring home a prize! don’t take that away from him! if you do, he’ll hunt someone else.”

    It occurred to me that TN man never got a chance to “hunt” me because I started out as Seductive Rockstar and basically won HIM with my charm . . . and now maybe he wants to set the stage to HUNT ME…. giving me a chance to let go of him, to not want him, so that he can win me back.

    For him to say, “Who says you won’t get to be with me? :)” puts him in a place that, to me, is both desirable and detestable. He is pushing me away (by having a girlfriend) and at the same time pulling me toward him (by basically saying he wants me in some manner) — and my response is: NO RESPONSE.

    And now he truly IS in a place that IF he wants me he will CERTAINLY have to work to win me over. And maybe that’s what he was aiming for. 🙂 (Maybe not, too, I know, but it just hit me as a possibility when I read what Mary wrote!)



  281.  #281dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    lucy lucy i am feeling way good about your vibe shift in your last comment

    he certainly has to work.



  282.  #282Lucy on June 8, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    This spoke to me as being EXACTLY where I am right now — It felt like a message directly to me from God, answering a lot of my present concerns and fears:

    ………….

    Don’t avoid the void

    “When we feel stuck, going nowhere — even starting to slip backward — we may actually be backing up to get a running start.”

    — Dan Millman

    To change, we must go through a transition zone. It’s not easy being in transition. Thoughts, beliefs and habits are all in flux. It can create a sense of groundlessness, of being in a void that can be quite uncomfortable.

    When we’re in the void, our first impulse will be to revert to old habits because they feel comfortable. Our goal is to hang in there until the change is complete. Knowing that TRANSITIONS ARE PART OF THE CHANGE PROCESS helps us muster the courage to put up with the discomfort, the uneasiness, the void.

    Change requires a letting go of what we’ve always known and done to allow in something new. We need to trust ourselves and higher forces to unfold a new reality for us.

    “Every positive change – every jump to a higher level of energy and awareness – involves a rite of passage. Each time to ascend to a higher rung on the ladder of personal evolution, we must go through a period of discomfort, of initiation. I have never found an exception.”

    — Dan Millman



  283.  #283Lucy on June 8, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Dorothea, thank you — I feel encouraged by your comment. 🙂



  284.  #284Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    Hi Lucy,

    call me a snob lol. I like being shy, though. It’s funny. It’s funny because it seems like it was a repellant when I was younger, but it was an attractant too. It’s both.

    I am so happy that you are feeling better about TN man. 🙂 I know how it is to really be into someone and then just…let go, it’s disorienting but the footing is regained eventually. Brenda, that’s for you too.

    My sis-in-law is having a guy call me tonight. She did not tell him anything about me nor me anything about him. This should be interesting….but I am not great at using feeling messages yet in person. I am open to any suggestions from anyone one of you enchantresses. Thanks.



  285.  #285Sweetpea on June 8, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    Oh Tallgirl! I am feeling pain in my heart reading your posts! I am skipping way ahead, so maybe this has already been addressed, but honey I wasn’t implying you were playing games. I feel that you don’t understand that what makes leaning back work is NOT overanalyzing everything. The key is authenticity. YOU have to be comfortable doing what you do. It doesn’t matter what any of us think or say about what you do as long as YOU are ok with what you do.

    What I was saying about the game-playing is just what Rori says – you have to take baby steps and get comfortable with all of this stuff, so it becomes second nature to you – other ways it doesn’t feel authentic and comes across as a game.

    Please stop being so hard on yourself. You are sending out “freaking out” vibes. I feel you need to try to “divorce yourself” from the outcome. Know deep inside yourself that whether or not he comes back doesn’t have anything to do with you doing EVERYTHING right! You only have to get part of it right! And he will come back, but if not, it has nothing to do with you or whether or not you are leaning too far back or not far enough. Loosen up girl!!! You’re doing fine!



  286.  #286Sweetpea on June 8, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    Ok Tallgirl – finished reading what I’d missed. Everyone thinks you are doing great! You ARE doing great! And I don’t remember who said it, but it is natural to feel vulnerable after a heated make out session. It’s natural for him to feel vulnerable afterward too, and the way most guys handle is to withdraw a little – remember, Rori says that men actually have stronger emotions than us, but they can only handle so much emotion before they have to back off a little. So, if he backs off, that just means he’s feeling emotional attraction!!!! Yay!!! Go Tallgirl!!!!!

    Breathe deep and relax. Your baby steps are adding up to massive strides! That’s exactly what Rori wants for us! Get ready to share your success story!



  287.  #287Siena on June 8, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    “Every positive change – every jump to a higher level of energy and awareness – involves a rite of passage. Each time to ascend to a higher rung on the ladder of personal evolution, we must go through a period of discomfort, of initiation. I have never found an exception.”

    Wow, Lucy, just what I needed to hear today, thank you! My funk is just that – a period of transition where nothing feels like it fits. Okay, I can deal with that. Thank you!



  288.  #288Siena on June 8, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Daria and Lucy – so my message is that it’s *not my self sufficiency that is a man repellent (nor is your lack of it or semi-lack of it).

    haha, that was a good lesson to learn. Thank you!



  289.  #289tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    Sweetpea,

    Thanks honey!



  290.  #290Lizzie on June 8, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    hi tallgirl10 – I went looking for your message about your guy being quite, not verbal, etc. etc. I may be able to help you out with this. From what I have read, you have described him as an Introvert and yourself as an Extrovert. Until you know something about introverts, it is quite difficult to understand how they communicate (google stuff about the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, or Jungian typology and you will find these resources invaluable).

    Basically the Introvert take information in, and have an internal dialogue with themselves to process the information. They prefer to have time to think and process and think through their plan. Some introverts have exceptionally well developed relationship skills so this is not to be mixed-up with shyness – I would say that is because their mother did a lot to help them develop their social skills to be able to get through life. How they typically engage, is by talking about just about anything else than what they really think and feel. Here is an example: I hadn’t seen my sister for 4 years. She is an introvert. She came to town and since she is a colour expert, I asked her to come over and do my hair. Once she arrived, I asked:

    Me: “so it has been 4 years, what have you been up to?”
    Answer: “Ohhh, nothing really.
    Me: “Oh well, how did you like living out west?”
    Answer: “fine”
    Me: “Oh, so are you thinking of moving back east?”
    Answer: “yes”
    Me: “OK, so what are you thinking of doing?”
    Answer: “oh you know, same old”

    And I am an extrovert – jeeze could this be any more difficult????!! I haven’t seen her in 4 years for heaven sake!!!

    Well, I figured it out… she likes gardening. Now it goes like this….

    me: “your roses are stunning, how did you do that?”
    Answer: “To prepare them for winter, I hill them up and wrap burlap around them to protect them, then when the sun feels just right….. and you know, I really love it when…..”

    me: “I ran into your son the other day, he is doing really well with school”
    Answer: I am really proud of him, you know it has been a long time effort with his learning disability and the challenges we have had with my ex husband….”

    The bottom line, to get information from an introvert, you must do a few things: never confront or be really direct in finding out what is going on in their inner workings. This will cause them to clam-up. Pick topics that really interest them. Listen to the space in-between. Keep an eye on his actions and reactions. The hint of a smile, the twinkle of the eye, how close he stands to you, look for the little things he does for you – open the door for you, cook for you, pay for your golf game, sit right beside you not across from you, take out your trash, how he organizes something for you. For them, organizing something for you is the BEST! and the more they have covered off the details the more they care and the more proud of themselves they are. So anticipate that they will present something in a fairly complete state. And it will surprise you.

    The other thing to do with Introverts – let them be. They need time to process and if you interrupt that processing, it is disturbing for them. If you want something, ask and ask them to think about it and give you an answer in a few days. This is incredibly difficult for an extrovert who needs and wants immediate feedback – ANY kind of feedback, we just want to know where we stand all the time, any time. It is quite funny. We also are quite happy to share anything and everything. We are open books! And the more we talk, the more energized we become! we love relating! we love the positive energy!! we jump in and do do do!!! Yeah!!! Live is for living to the max!!!

    How is that for differences.

    So, lean back, you are most likely just fine with your guy. He is really introverted and you need to allow safe space for him to come out and play. And you can rest assured when he feels he can trust you, he will indeed come out and play and he will be awesome! and you will be shocked because to you it will seem like he is a completely different person. He isn’t. Think of it as you have given him time and space for him to feel completely comfortable to share who he really is.

    I hope that helps. Lean back, he will come to you. The signs are there.



  291.  #291tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    I am well versed in myers briggs. Indeed, he is an introvert. I know this means he gets energy from being alone, and I get it from being with others.

    Good ways to think about it.



  292.  #292Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    Hey Lizzie,

    I’m an introvert much like your sister and I totally relate to what you said. For some reason, when a question is asked generally like, “so what have you been up to” or “what are you thinking of doing” always warrants a generic response like, “same old, you know” from me because I feel that when the brain goes into recall about all the things I’m “thinking” about possibly going to do for some reason would be very underdeveloped and overwhelming to state in clear and concise terms. It’s like imagining a whole bunch of puzzle pieces scattered all over the table and you just glance at it, and the reaction is like, “dude I don’t know what the picture is. Let me get my pieces connected first.” Especially a whole four years worth of time…*whew* exhuasting.

    I loved how you went into asking about the interests and specifics like gardening and your sister’s son…that instantly made me feel like those are questions that would be very easy to answer and talk about. I took the Myers Briggs and Keirsey Sorte (spelling of both) tests first when I was 24, and they, especially the latter, described me to a t. It was the most comforting thing to find those, to finally be able to figure myself out was priceless. I’m an INFP.

    Sorry, got off an a tanget there. WHen you mentioned introverts and the test, it caused my internal bank to flood out. Anyway, I liked how you referred to the introvertness in people.



  293.  #293mary on June 8, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    just heard back from Island Man,

    he said this:

    Hi Mary,
    I’m very happy for you ! Do you still have yourauspicious feather ? It looks like this is your year to move forward. Breathe in lots of mountain air and watch out for bears (kidding).

    ciao ciao

    Island Man

    It doesn’t seem like there’s really anything to respond to, does it? I think I’ll just let it sit for a while… what do you sirens think?



  294.  #294dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    lean back



  295.  #295mary on June 8, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    hey Apple Jacks.

    I’m an INFP, too. and so is Island Man!

    Do INFPs make good mates?



  296.  #296mary on June 8, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    dorothea,

    lean back, as in not answer? that’s kinda what i’m thinking of doing… just letting it ride. wait and see… a few weeks will tell everything!



  297.  #297mary on June 8, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    by the time six months has gone by, old flame will be free.

    that’s pretty mind-boggling. i’ve been wishing i married him for 35 years. it’ll be great to at least be able to be together again, even if it doesn’t work.

    something to look forward to!



  298.  #298Lizzie on June 8, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    Thanks Apple jacks – I just love the way you described the puzzle pieces – that is the best! I am an ENTP – I even scare myself, let alone all the men in my life! Seems I am happiest hanging off the edge by my fingernails and to come up with some clever idea to solve all the worlds problems! Lets just create some stress here. Who me stressed? No no no, just happy to create it all for others….Too funny. And much like you, the feeling of freedom I felt when I found out how people don’t understand me. So deeply insightful and spiritual Apple Jacks, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintenance. Some man will be very very lucky to have you in his life.



  299.  #299tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    Mary,

    I am in agreement with you, best to not respond at all. My guess is he will step up again, but not when you expect it. If you feel like not responding, I support you.

    He did not really engage from what I can see. I think you could easily keep the convo going, but why bother? He did not share.

    What are your thoughts?



  300.  #300tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    Oh, and it is interesting that every here is a ENFP.

    I am an INF P/J.



  301.  #301Brenda on June 8, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    Mary, I’d send him a smiley face…



  302.  #302dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    lean back as in answering would be leaning forward because there’s nothing to answer. he isn’t stepping up and trying to make dates with you, so we are now doing a little thing called the turn around, right? i would NOT send him a smiley face



  303.  #303dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    “He did not really engage from what I can see. I think you could easily keep the convo going, but why bother?”

    yay i like this. why bother? yuck overfunctioning feels bad to me



  304.  #304tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    Well, we know I am a fan of the smiley face. I think it is appropriate here.

    Brenda, are you mocking me 😉



  305.  #305tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    If he had even made banter or asked you a real question, I would think differently. This is not a conversation.



  306.  #306Lizzie on June 8, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    Geeeee! you wonderful INFPs you can give great advice on feeling statements to all us wonderous sorts who live in our heads! This discovering my heart has been an extraordinary journey – and I am feeling so thankful I have found you…what a wonderful safe space you have created for someone like me. If you ever want to know what I THINK I shall blather on and on, ask me how I feel and I regress to a reptile brain – oh do I need you…



  307.  #307dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    :):):):):)
    lol



  308.  #308Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    Awww Lizzie thank you so much for the sweet words. I feel the same way that a guy will be very lucky to have you too! You’re WONDERFUL!

    Hi Mary. I read that the best mates for INFPs tend to be ENFJs as the best ideal for an INFP or an ESFJ. I can’t remember which or where I read it, but it said that ENFJs are like the gaurdians and very protective and the INFP would be a natural gravitation for them to protect or something. Plus because the INFP’s monastic or crusader tendancies (this is true with me, maybe not all INFPs just to be clear) they need that person who is more grounded to keep the INFP from flying away in their “cause.”

    It’s also important that the partner have the NF in there so that they are not too opposite, as in general, imagining the total opposite of me, the ESTJ or the drill sargeant type would really be repulsive but that’s just me. I for myself whenever I have come across other INFP guys never felt that attraction, but more irritation and annoyance, but again that’s just me. I’m realizing now with Rori’s tools, that’s it’s not even personality type traits necessarily but the masculine and feminine energy and I think that the INFP men I have come across in the past tended to be a fem energy man and THAT is the real reason I felt irritation, NOT his personality type. See, I feel like everything just may be coming together, lol.



  309.  #309Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    Lizzie, you’re the wonderful one. As much as I would love to gush and bask in your compliments, we INFPs can be just as much in our heads let me tell you, lol. It’s NOT pretty.



  310.  #310Brenda on June 8, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    Tallgirl,

    LOL! No, I wasn’t mocking you! It was a case of just when I learn all the answers, they change all the questions!

    For real for real, I don’t think it matters. Personally, I think it’s rude to not respond when someone is being friendly. To me, it’s like you’re walking down the road and say hello to a stranger, and they just look at you like you’re a two-headed monster. What’s so wrong with simply being friendly? That’s not overfunctioning. Men have feelings, too.



  311.  #311dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    i don’t think not responding hurts a man’s feelings the way it hurts a woman’s. it has to do with our degree of difficulty as perceived by the man.

    personally i don’t like to be the one waiting on a response in a textual exchange.



  312.  #312tallgirl10 on June 8, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Brenda,

    I was just kidding, I know you were not mocking me.

    In my case, I did respond, I responded with a smiley face. I asked my guy friend about it and there was zero chance he would walk away thinking I was not interested. He said he would assume it put a smile on my face, very literal like that.

    Mary should not engage, but I can see a smile face may work in her case, if she wants to. Only then.



  313.  #313Lucy on June 8, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    INF J/P (depends on the day 🙂 )



  314.  #314dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    grrr i feel mad and frustrated

    if we are confronted with the dilemma of leaning back when appropriate v. NOT leaning back because it may or may not be appropriate, the answer should be clear.

    sometimes i feel drained here and i dont want to say it too much because i dont want to be shunned from this site cuz it feels so good to be here for the most part.

    but i feel drained because it sometimes seems like the comments turn into a discussion of ways we could maybe bend the fundamentals or ‘rules’ of rori’s teachings.

    yes, i know it’s just a dang smiley face.



  315.  #315Lucy on June 8, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    “personally i don’t like to be the one waiting on a response in a textual exchange.”

    Same here. But I have had to be careful I don’t use “not responding” as a way to avoid fear, anxiety, intimacy….. It feels so much better when the guy has texted last, like a relief . . . but to me that sometimes is tantamount to avoiding risk and vulnerability….



  316.  #316dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    if u stick 2 the tools and teachings and dont agonize over how to possibly abandon them without consequence, you’re ALREADY suffering the consequences.

    we are trained to be like this. from birth most likely. it feels unnatural to be any different and we are so tied up in and identified with our usual patterns in dating and dealing with the opposite sex that this inherently prevents us from recognizing the way we fuck/sabotage ourselves out of what we really want.

    i wish i had a magic wand and could control everyone

    i have control issues weee.

    thanks for reading



  317.  #317dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    if u stick 2 the tools and teachings and dont agonize over how to possibly abandon them without consequence, you’re ALREADY suffering the consequences.

    we are trained to be like this. from birth most likely. it feels unnatural to be any different and we are so tied up in and identified with our usual patterns in dating and dealing with men that this inherently prevents us from recognizing the way we screw/sabotage ourselves out of what we really want.

    i wish i had a magic wand and could control everyone

    i have control issues weee.

    thanks for reading



  318.  #318Lucy on June 8, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    Bottom line: be authentic and free (no agenda)



  319.  #319dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    sorry that first part made no sense. what i mean is that by agonizing how to not stick to the tools and teachings of rori’s materials without consequence, you are already suffering consequences.

    when there is a doubt in your mind about whether you should lean back because it would be perfectly fine and appropriate, or do something different, i think the “right” thing to do 99 percent of the time is lean back!



  320.  #320dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    authentic and free (no agenda) = rock star.

    if we’re agonizing over how to respond to something that we could very well lean back from instead, we’re not rock stars in that moment.



  321.  #321Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    Hmmm…I’m feeling a little bit perplexed. I didn’t feel like the smiley face was not a response, nor rude. Brenda, I love you that’s why I feel fearful that you might feel judged when I say this, but I feel triggered when you say “men have feelings too.” I feel like men’s feelings are attached to different things then what women’s feelings are. I feel like men love it when we don’t say too much and are mysterious and I don’t feel like their feelings get hurt in the way we “think.” I love my triggers and my fears.

    I love TG’s smiley face text because it was exactly her in that moment. Truthful, honest, innocent, pure, in the moment and brilliantly feminine. Any man worth his balls would feel that. Now I feel so embarrassed because we’ve been going on about this smiley face and I think I’ve forgotten the context of it now! I love my shame and forgetfulness, and I love everyone on here and our whole learning experiences.



  322.  #322dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    aj, i think we all agree that tg’s smiley was rockin and now we’re talking about mary’s response and brenda says a smiley facewould be a good one instead of leaning back completely. and i’m having a cow over it.



  323.  #323Lucy on June 8, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    “I love TG’s smiley face text because it was exactly her in that moment. Truthful, honest, innocent, pure, in the moment and brilliantly feminine.”

    Right, and sometimes “agonizing over the tools” PREVENTS us from being authentic and free in the moment like this.

    Sometimes my authentic and free/no agenda (what dorothea called “rockstar”) first impulse is the BEST one but THEN I start worrying about “the tools.”



  324.  #324Lucy on June 8, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    If Mary “leans back” and “does not respond” in order to “get a certain response from him” — THAT is an agenda and it is therefore actually Leaning Forward.



  325.  #325Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    Hi Lucy,

    I for one never agonize over the tools. I’ve been advised to lean forward a few times, and sometimes I just did and never gave it much thought afterwards. I always got that Rori’s tools are there to help us not agonize so much and these are the mechanics to help us do it. To be the master behind the usage of the tools and our thoughts, not give the tools and our thoughts a mind of its own…but I do understand what you’re saying. I’ve found that that has been happening to me lately, and I just find myself telling my brain, hey shut up. That’s right I probably did it wrong, THIS time. If you have a problem, then carry on, I’ll love you anyway while I have my tea…or something like that. *Shruggs* I DO understand ya, Lucy. Our heads make us crazy sometimes if we have tools or don’t have them. I think you’re doing so well.

    TG, gotcha. I understand but Brenda did refer to the smiley face again even in jest and that is what triggered me to justify it again also…I feel like justifying myself lol. I love you all, I honestly feel very understanding of everyone too, of all the blocks, questions, triggers…I feel like I can relate to everything and that in itself feels overwhelming. I love my overwhelming feelings and once again, I love and feel grateful for each and every siren on here.



  326.  #326dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    Lucy says:

    If Mary “leans back” and “does not respond” in order to “get a certain response from him” — THAT is an agenda and it is therefore actually Leaning Forward.

    that’s deep and my head just exploded. but it’s still less leaning forward than, say, not leaning forward….



  327.  #327Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Hey Lucy,

    I get what you’re saying about how leaning back with an attachment to the outcome would make it mean leaning forward. I REALLY feel you here. I wished I could give more insight, but I feel confident that whatever you do will turn out well and whatever you do will be out of your own sense of center and grounding. I wished I could help you better. All’s I can say is I feel your dillema very intensely.



  328.  #328Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    I mean Mary, ooops, not Lucy. I feel you’re doing well too Lucy. 😉 lol, i’m so embarrassed but in a good way. I think I need glasses.



  329.  #329dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    sorry i am having communication issues tonight. to fix what i originally said:

    Lucy says:

    If Mary “leans back” and “does not respond” in order to “get a certain response from him” — THAT is an agenda and it is therefore actually Leaning Forward.

    Dorothea: that’s deep and my head just exploded. but it’s still less leaning forward than, say, not leaning forward….
    **
    i meant it’s still less leaning forward than, say, actually leaning forward.



  330.  #330Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    Hey Dorothea, I’m having communications issues too! Some posts that I swore that were not there before, are showing up all of a sudden where I did not even see them before! *Grrr* I feel annoyed.



  331.  #331Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    UGH! Dorothea in one of my posts I refered to you as TG. Someone smack me hard!



  332.  #332Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    I’m feeling triggered now! I hate getting names wrong and concepts of posts confused! I ususally hang back and read and the one day I decide to chime it feels all mixed up and inaccurate. I blame my systems issues. *Grrr* I feel silly. I don’t feel like saying I love my silliness and inaccuracies…but I will. I love my silliness and inaccuracies. I wished it was a friday, though.



  333.  #333dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    haha it’s ok aj..

    the posts that magically appear were probably in moderation before.



  334.  #334Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    Stupid stupid stupid I feel stupid for chiming in when I did not have all of the information coherent…I love stupid and I love this blog all of our pangeon cluster of triggers.



  335.  #335dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    aj hugs to you and your feelings!

    i feel very defensive to your negative voices but i am glad you are loving your feelings too.



  336.  #336Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Ah I see, thanks Dorothea. Gosh what a night, lol! I feel a little guilty for telling Brenda I was triggered by her words there. Brenda, I love you. ((((HUGS))))

    You too Mary, sorry for thinking you were Lucy. Don’t know how I did that. *confused face*



  337.  #337Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    Hi Dorothea,

    I feel like I have to clarify I am not feeling negatively towards anything you said at all. I feel very much in agreement with you and I’m glad you’re on here helping all of us. I like how you said that leaning back with an agenda is more leaning back then leaning forward because that makes me feel safe to practice Rori’s tools whereas I was feeling a little bit like, “Yikes” earlier. You made me feel a lot better.



  338.  #338mary on June 8, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    okay…

    apple jacks, no problem about the name.

    dorothea, pretty brilliant of you with the leaning back / agenda thing.

    with Island Man, or shall i call him Intermittent Man, I feel off base and not on my game, and out of sorts and not enough, because he contacts me at odd times and with too much time in between.

    i really like a guy who steadily comes my way and keeps coming, the more he has contact with me. and a man who absolutely can’t stand the idea of my getting away.

    i never could tolerate it that R would just let me go. and pursue his own interests, then come back. the fact that he let me go in the first place meant that he didn’t mind it if someone else found me! he was going to take that chance!

    woooaaah.

    that infuriated me.

    and now Island Man contacts me sometimes. and i see him on Plenty of Fish all the time. every night he’s fishing. and that feels NOT SO GOOD.

    so….

    let me please (God!) let me please get over Island Man and focus more on Old Flame, who is definitely coming my way…

    in a big way…

    and could be mine within the space of a year…

    and that’s not too terribly long to wait!

    yay!

    it seems like it might happen even sooner!

    and if not, well!

    i made a big deal today. i think i found a firm to join! hooray! for an amazing business day!

    MARY is now a business woman.

    big time.

    i feel so proud!!!

    lots of hard work went into this!



  339.  #339Lucy on June 8, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    I want to have sex with TN man.

    Thank you.



  340.  #340Lucy on June 8, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    Tonight.

    Haha.



  341.  #341dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    hey thanks AJ. and even if you were feeling negatively towards what i said, that’s cool too…i just reserve the right to have a cow or something.

    leaning back and stopping overfunctioning and working with rori’s tools does feel totally YIKES. that’s the point. reprogramming yourself feels uncomfortable at first. the processes and patterns we have played host to – the ones that actually aren’t working for us the way we want them to – are stubborn and will not be eradicated without protest, and anyway are like an itchy blanket on a cold night to the part of us that has identified with it for probably our whole lives. because no matter how itchy and irritating the only blanket you’ve known may be, of course it is going to feel chilly and uncomfortable without it while it is away at the blanket store being exchanged for a new and better one.

    and personally i dont think the exchange process takes very long as long as you don’t keep running back to the store and take the blanket back just when it’s about to be upgraded. this obviously hinders the upgrading process and makes it much less efficient and more time consuming and full of a lot of extra trips back and forth from the blanket store, etc.

    I have been able to reprogram myself in some ways so that i don’t do and think things that have not actually been working so good for me or feeling so good for me.

    i feel liberated and wonder how the former me ever thought it was honestly right to do things how i did. i thought i was doing what i was supposed to do. i thought i was being polite. i thought i was being desirable. i thought i was showing i cared. i thought i was responsible to him and for his feelings too. i thought i was flirting and making conversation. i thought a lot of things and they felt natural but never ended up working how i thought they should. and i felt certain that things like dating other people, being “dramatic” by being open about my feelings and Don’t Wants, and basically never really calling him or making plans were, like…dating sins. it felt weird and i felt exposed like men were going to notice i was acting weird and all that. really scary. but i kept with it and instead all of the opposite things i expected to happen happened. my old ways had me believing that its opposite ways would produce disaster.

    i don’t want anyone here on siren island to not get that for themselves too. it feels really important to me that we all get to have much easier love lives and have what we want. i would feel much better if i were controlling it right now. i feel apologetic or maybe just guilty because i know i’m being stuck up about this. sorry that i can be a stuck up person. umm so that’s all. lots of love to everyone.



  342.  #342dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 9:19 pm

    holy crap i am taking off my boy hat now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes, time to take off the boy hat before it grows teeth and swallows my head whole.

    i feel surprised at myself haha. and amused.



  343.  #343dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    if you actually read all that then thank you for reading my diatribe.



  344.  #344Apple Jacks on June 8, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    Hi Dorothea,

    I understand and again feel in agreement with you. In the beginning anything new always feels uncomfortable. It’s like watching Star Wars or the Karate Kid movies, where the teacher is making the student do things that just feels like, “What???” in the beginning but the constant message from the teacher is trust in me, and you will see the gain sooner than you think.

    The students did express frustrations occasionally too, but didn’t give up and stayed on course regardless and transformed greatly. I feel like what you’re trying to get into us strong willed, stubborn minded sirens is exactly that, hehe.



  345.  #345dorothea on June 8, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTNbORj4Vf4

    new karate kid movie trailer.

    “jacket on, jacket off” (1:09)

    yeah, jackie chan, jack et off!



  346.  #346Sweetpea on June 8, 2010 at 11:24 pm

    Aww geezz! I feel so confused now! So responding to anything that is not engaging us in conversation is leaning forward?! Wtf?!

    I feel frustrated again. Like this is all so confusing & dogmatic! I want to say f it & scrap the whole thing.

    I see the logic in letting the man pursue me & upping my degree of difficulty but where is the line between difficult & friggin’ ice queen?! I could lean way the heck back & just not respond to anything but that’s not gonna get me anywhere but sitting home watching Oprah & eating a pint of ice cream. Just me & my dog!

    Fuck it! I feel angry! I feel frustrated! I feel tired of having to ask myself “do I text him & tell him thanks for dinner like my mama taught me is polite or is that leaning forward?” And now, whichever I do I feel like shit about because I’m either being rude or leaning forward!

    Gggggrrrrrrrr!!!!!



  347.  #347Sweetpea on June 8, 2010 at 11:29 pm

    And now my comment is awaiting moderation. Which is probably a good thing since I wasn’t moderating myself!

    Still feel ggggrrrr!!!!!



  348.  #348Daria on June 9, 2010 at 12:07 am

    sweetpea i feel curious about your comment



  349.  #349Rori Raye on June 9, 2010 at 12:25 am

    Sweetpea – it’s not “what” you do and say – it’s the energy and “vibe” behind it. The language and “rules” YOU make are just to help you when you’re feeling confused from doing what you’ve always done. To give you some breathing room to make new choices. To make baby-steps toward not DOING stuff to disappear your anxiety – but to learn to tolerate it and work through it and love yourself more instead of trying to get something from a man. If you really just want to warmly communicate appreciation – that’s GREAT! Do it! But – if, like most of us – what you really want is to make something happen with him, have an impact, have him respond to you…have him do something – then you’re just, subconsciously, texting him “thank you” for other reasons – another agenda. And if you catch yourself not sure about something like this – keep asking yourself if you WANT something by “reaching out…” If you’ve always done things one way – and it hasn’t worked – now’s the time to experiment with NEW ways. Love, Rori



  350.  #350tallgirl10 on June 9, 2010 at 4:04 am

    Wow, Rori. That is what I am struggling with right now. I know the smiley face was the right thing at the right time.

    But now I feel sad and anxious because I have not heard from text man.

    If I don’t contact him, it is because I want him to prove he is interested.

    If I do contact him, it is because I want him to know I am interested in making a go of it. And in that, I suppose that is wanting something from him.

    I feel sad and panicked. I triggered and abandoned. I feel like I did something wrong and I am not enough.



  351.  #351Sweetpea on June 9, 2010 at 7:17 am

    Thank you Rori! I really needed to hear from you on that. I know that the tools work & that things are beginning to change for me thanks to learning different things to do. I was feeling discouraged last night because I didn’t know the right question to ask myself to gauge what is “leaning forward” & what is just polite. Thank you so much for clarifying!



  352.  #352Sweetpea on June 9, 2010 at 9:34 am

    TG – You are a goddess whether he thinks so or not. I am struggling with not getting my self-worth tied up into any man’s or anybody’s opinion of me. At the end of the day, being ok with yourself is the only way to go.

    I have heard a theory that guys withdraw after an intimate encounter (and it sounds like what you had was just that – w/ or w/o sex) partially because they are subconsciously (or sometimes consciously) testing to make sure that a woman is ok with herself and that she doesn’t need him to make her feel good about herself. I feel that this is what is going on here. Let’s concentrate on being ok with ourselves and give the men in our lives the gift of missing us. They will come back stronger if we do.

    Deal? We can treat this like a “work-out buddy” and help keep each other on track….What do you think?



  353.  #353Sweetpea on June 9, 2010 at 9:36 am

    Here is something interesting I found on the internet:

    8 Signs He’s Totally Into You

    by Rich Santos

    Unfortunately, after a first date, it’s rarely as simple as: “I like you, I had fun, let’s get together again.”

    I’m coy after a first date because:

    I don’t want to look too eager/desperate. I won’t ignore my attraction, but I’ll at least try to temper it.

    I want to look like I have a life. Even though I don’t have a life, I might try to look a little aloof.

    I’m not sure if you like me. It’s scary to take the dive and show I’m interested when I’m not sure if the girl is interested.

    Despite attempts to look calm, cool, and collected, there are a number a things I’ll do around an initial date that clue you in that I’m interested. Here are a few:

    Completing the Date

    It may not indicate that you’re the apple of my eye, but it does indicate that you’re not a total disaster. Most people are courteous enough to do the absolute minimum on a date: finish whatever activity you’re doing together and devote sufficient time out of respect for the other person. But some situations are such utter disaster, things must be cut short.

    I once went out with a girl who spewed embarrassingly stupid things I couldn’t respond to. Finally, I suggested changing plans to meet up with my buddies. Once a date is officially a bust, I’ll look for any way out.

    One on One

    If I’m into you, and comfortable, I won’t want to “share” you. A common tactic to combat a boring date is calling in “reinforcement” friends to “dilute” you. I’m naturally talkative with those around me, but if I invite everyone else around us into our party, I might be looking for a more interesting outlet.

    Extending the Date

    Suggesting something (other than going back to someone’s place) after dinner like taking a walk, grabbing a drink, going for dessert, catching a movie, etc., indicates I’m asking for an encore. Although a masochist like myself might ask a girl to spend more time with me if I’m not enjoying her company.

    Suggesting Another Date

    Sometimes I get so excited during a first date I play my cards by suggesting other things we should do together. A common time to suggest another date is at the end of the date, though some guys just say this to be friendly. But it can’t be bad if the guy is enthusiastic enough to suggest a second date. He just has to make good on his word.

    Friendly Follow-Up Right After You Say Good-bye

    Sometimes after a date, I’ll text the girl telling her I had a great time, out of sheer giddiness. If I’m not interested after the date, I’ll head straight home and begin my process of fading out of this girl’s life (following up is not part of that process).

    Striking While the Iron’s Hot

    I’ll appear to be flaky or uninterested if I wait too long. If I enjoyed the date I’ll contact her within a few days. This doesn’t necessarily mean I’m asking her out again just yet. I’m just keeping the conversation going. If I’m not interested, I won’t ever contact her again. Regardless of how great you thought things went, if he doesn’t contact you again he’s clearly not interested.

    Consistency

    Hold me to a higher standard than one extra date, or one call back after the initial date. How many times have you gone on a few dates only to have it fizzle out? You can’t be sure I’m interested until we’ve gone out consistently for more than a month.

    Non-Clich Dates/Spontaneity

    Take notice when I ask you to do random little things: run errands, go to the park. It’s that next step when I’m getting to know you and showing you I want you around whenever, wherever. Spending this “informal” time with you indicates I’m interested.

    Remember, guys sometimes act interested just to get laid, and there are guys who feel guilty cutting a date short when it’s not going well. “Trying to be nice” actually sends the wrong signals if a guy is not interested.

    My advice: Use these indicators as guidelines (they usually build on each other as things progress). Be vigilant, because reading the signals incorrectly will get you hurt. Hopefully you’ll meet a good guy who is sending honest signals.

    How do you show you’re interested after a first date? Do you wait for a guy to make the next move after a first date? What signals are you looking for in guys after a first date? Do you agree with my signals, and that it’s tough to read them in the beginning?



  354.  #354Tallgirl10 on June 9, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Sweetpea,

    I really appreciate you in this. All of sudden because I did not hear from him last night, I started making the whole list in my head of all the insecure things I may or may not have said on Sat/Sunday. It is all I can think about.

    For instance:
    A. When he asked if I wanted to stay over, I said – what time is it and asked if he was sure.
    B. The next morning, as I was putting on my dress, I made jokes about it being my “slut dress” because it had snaps that made it an easy on/off.
    C. Maybe he thought I came off as too familiar with the friend, as in refering to things he had told me as if I was part of his life. Nothing major, just knowing some of the friends etc.
    D. When were walking out, I caught a look of myself in a relective surface. I said “I look terrible” because my hair was everywhere. Then he said “No you don’t” and I smiled and said “Well, I look like I took a tumble” and he said – yep.
    E. After he had pleasured me, I was so appreciative. Like I had never been touched before.

    I am totally upset.



  355.  #355Sweetpea on June 9, 2010 at 10:51 am

    It’s pretty common for us as women to overanalyze and double think every little thing we do, Tallgirl. Something I do that helps a little is to journal about it, analyze it, get more comfortable with it, then put the journal away and forget about it. If I’m feeling really bad, I’ll throw it away. If I feel blocked I go completely crazy – saying things that are very uncomfortable to me – maybe really negative things or just things that feel extra icky – knowing that I’m going to crumble it up and burn it or throw it away anyway. If I feel like I’m having a hard time saying what I feel – I do that. Not only does it feel freeing because I know nobody else will ever read it – it’s symbolic that I am throwing all of those nasty thoughts and feelings out of my life.

    I had a date with a pretty promising guy last night and I was doing the same thing. Like, OMG I was in such feminine energy with him until I said… “blah, blah, blah” – that was totally masculine. And then things came to a standstill and I think maybe I screwed up. One of the things I like about him is that he is VERY masculine energy. It’s really easy with him – all I have to do is lean back and he jumps right on that masculine horse and it’s just awesome! One of the things I discovered in my journaling is that I need to watch myself that I’m not subconsciously doing things to push him away. Because I feel scared. He’s the guy I talked about earlier that I said, “I feel scared. I don’t know if I’m ready to CD someone I feel attracted to.”

    So… I started thinking about other things… like he said in his profile that he likes someone multi-faceted – so if I slipped into a little masculine energy, so be it. That’s multi-faceted. And all in all… it was one date – basically just concentrating on what I did right.

    He’ll either get ahold of me again or he won’t. One thing I know for sure is that the quality of men I’m attracting is definitely going up – just like Rori says it will. So if he doesn’t call – someone better will. I just need to keep my head in my own self-improvement and try not to stress.

    I really feel for you! I have alot of the same feelings you do – they’re coming from a place of insecurity. I’ll move past it and everything will all work out in the end.

    We will have success stories, TG. It may or may not be with anyone we even know exists right now. It’s all a matter of taking those baby steps. And probably my biggest thing is learning how to not push guy away when I’m attracted – it feels scary for me and it’s hard to deal with the scary feelings. But if I do, I will learn from it and do better next time. And it will all be worth it.

    But I really do believe in practicing these tools. I think they are so very attractive to men and that they encourage success in all areas of our lives – not just with men. I’ve been reading some articles on the internet today and realizing how much softer and more open I am than I used to be – and that these women are sort of back where I used to be – guarded and closed off. Don’t you think we are way ahead of most single women and that even if we only use the tools part of the time, we are still very impressive in comparison?

    I have a feeling we will always be working on this way of doing things – even once we do find forever man – so I’m taking the attitude that the better I get with the tools now, the easier it will be when I find forever man. If the guys along the way end up being practice guys… well then I’ll just pick myself up, dust myself off and take another baby step.



  356.  #356Sweetpea on June 9, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Tallgirl – I am so thankful that Rori responded to my “f-it” post here. I was feeling very confused about all the comments about leaning back. What she said in her response to me “…it’s not “what” you do and say – it’s the energy and “vibe” behind it. The language and “rules” YOU make are just to help you when you’re feeling confused from doing what you’ve always done. To give you some breathing room to make new choices. To make baby-steps toward not DOING stuff to disappear your anxiety – but to learn to tolerate it and work through it and love yourself more instead of trying to get something from a man…” is exactly what I was trying to say to you earlier about the game-playing. She says “rules” YOU make… to me these are the things that “resonate” with me. The things that just feel true and honest and “right” to me. So that’s what I was trying to say to you – you have to consider the consequences and how they might make you feel – such as, if you contact text man and he doesn’t respond, how will that feel? Will it feel yucky? If so, then wait for him to contact you.

    I’m fighting with myself right now to not text SR again. I know it will feel icky if I contact him – whether he responds or not. If he does – I will wonder if he’s just being polite and if he doesn’t I will freak out and overanalyze some more. So I’m choosing to lean back and do…. nothing.

    Like Rori said further down in her response to me, “If you really just want to warmly communicate appreciation – that’s GREAT! Do it! But – if, like most of us – what you really want is to make something happen with him, have an impact, have him respond to you…have him do something – then you’re just, subconsciously, texting him “thank you” for other reasons – another agenda. And if you catch yourself not sure about something like this – keep asking yourself if you WANT something by “reaching out…”

    This really spoke to me, because it is exactly what I’ve been trying to do and what I was trying to communicate to you. If it’s not natural – or if it’s something that is natural, but hasn’t worked for me in the past, I am working on re-thinking it until it feels right for me.

    I DID text SR last night to tell him thank you – in my mind it is just rude not to. But I did so in a manner that didn’t warrant a response. I’m still not sure if it was the “right” thing to do. It didn’t feel comfortable to me to text him, because I was questioning whether it was leaning forward, but I was more uncomfortable not saying thank you. So I said “thank you”. Now I find myself waiting for a response – so maybe it was leaning forward – but I have a feeling I’d be waiting to hear from him anyway. This is just something I will have to come to terms with in my own heart and decide if it is working for me or not.



  357.  #357Lucy on June 9, 2010 at 11:17 am

    Sweetpea, I really liked that response that Rori wrote to you, too! It was what I had been trying to say on here several times, so it felt GREAT to see her express it. 🙂



  358.  #358Hurting on June 9, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    I desperately need help. I had posted a comment under summer offer but I dont think anyone saw it. I hope its ok to post here

    Wondering with someone in my situation could the Modern Siren help me? I dont feel datable because of my physical condition and it has been 4 years. Some of you may know my story for past posts. Dont feel like rehashng too much but will give you some idea what Im going through. I want to feel beautfiful and desirable again. I used to feel this way before this happened to me. Now men dont compliment me and treat me as a friend and just talk about other women. The same men who used to think I was a catch and would pursue me. I know my self esteem has suffered. I know that my health conditoin is so overwhleming that I cant imagine anyone wanting me. I know that I know longer look beautiful but I still pray that somebody out there must think Im loveable. I pray that somebody still wants to love me. Im living at home with uncompassionate and unloving family. I feel desperate, the need to be rescued and I think men sense this. Can I still be a modern siren with all these limiations?

    How do I deal with the broken heart of the man I love not wanting to be with me. He wants to talk to me everyday but only be friends. He doestn tell me but he behaves in such a manner. He is lonely and I feel he is using me for company till he finds someone better. I even told him that Im afraid of this and he doesnt answer me directly sayin its too overhwlmeing to be with me. Part of the reason I became as ill as I had by following his advice on going on a medictaion that I had severe reactons to and has been life altering. He feels guilty about it and thts why sticks around but he still doesnt want to be with me because its so overwhelming to him and I have lost 40lbs and very sickly and had many compications that are life altering. He has his own issues with anxiety disorder which is how we met. I tried to meet others online but I feel like I dont beong, Im too damaged physically. They wouldnt want me if they knew how sick I really am. He knew me before I was as sick and so I feel like I have more chance with him then anyone else, but also I love him. I love him so much and he has a beautiful heart. People say he is the kindest person you’d ever meet, but he is an athletic guy. And he is used to beautiufl women and Im no longer am the woman I once was. He used to say he loved me. Now when I say I love him he says Im so sweet to be so caring and a good heart. Ick. We are long distance relationship too which adds to the stress. It makes me feel icky so icky He used to send me a little flower next to my name in emails and he stopped doing it. Sometimes he doesnt even sign his name when he emails me. I feel like Im just a buddy to him. When we were long distance before we met he acted like he was committed but then would look to meet other women. I wish I did circular dating back then becuase that really devastated me to find out he did this behind my back. Sad part is that if I never met him I wouldnt have been in this phsycial condition and I also had another man very interested in me who I knew for over 15 years before I became so sick and turned him down only to be with this man who ends up abandoning me. Now the man I knew for 15 years foudn someone else and doesnt want to stay in touch because Im so sick and he just doesnt want me in his life. Rejection . THats what I’ve been experiencing the last 3 years since this ordeal Rejejction from everyone. What do I do? I feel so devastated. Before this man I havent been involved with someone in over 10 years.

    IF i want to win this guy back the one who is acting like a friend. What do I do? Do I tell him how I feel? He says he sees a postivie shift in me so I dont want to do anything to mess things up but he keeps talking about himself. It used to be all about me and trying to get me better so we can be togher. Now its all about him and how he wants to change (not to be with me but to be with others—-he doesnt say it but implies it by his behavior). He complains about being home all the time when he is home from anxiety and Im home becuaSe Im fighting for my life. Ive tried that so many times and at times it helped and he started being more loving but then he would shut down again when he heard how badly I was feeling phsycially becuase its hard for me to fake it all the time. Sometimes I cant hide it. Do I just act like Im firends with him and not question it? I cry all the time over this. and the broken heart affects my health. You see its not like he thinks Im a catch and if I can find someone who would be willing to date me he would want to win me back. When I tell him I went onine to date again he doesnt seem jealous. It breaks my heart. I’ve tried to cut all ties but then Im completley alone and devastated and I call him back. He is the reason I fought for my life the past 3 years. Its not like I have lovign family memebers to be there for me to support me or friends Im alone and the support group thing doesnt work for me.

    Oh the heartache is so deep. So eternal. I dont think I can get better with a broken heart and everything Im going through. I need to be held and loved and stroked.

    Tears run down my face as I write. Im so sorry Im trying so hard.

    Thank you for your love and support.
    Hurting



  359.  #359Brenda on June 9, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Apple Jacks, RE: #321 – Hey pixie girl! You are welcome to direct your feeling messages to me anytime, either positive or negative. I feel good when people are genuine with me.

    It is very possible I am not accurate in my perception of men’s feelings. I come from a place of being a social retard. I have been learning at battle speed these past 20 years, but there are still major holes in my soul, which has been void of many, many social interactions that most take for granted. You might say something to a man and know by second nature how he perceives it, while I am still trying to figger out why it just can’t be as simple as “He loves her! She loves him!”

    But it ain’t.

    So I plunge into full-fledged conversations about the pros and cons of using smiley faces! 🙂 LOL! Not because I am trying to overfunction and be not rockstar diva, but because I truly hafta concentrate on every word I say and how I say it. If I did what came naturally and freely, I’d be overfunctioning, yelling, talking too loudly, dominating a conversation, being too clingy, and the list of non-siren speech and behavior goes on!

    Emotional abuse is far-reaching and so hard to leave in the past.

    Oh, and another one of my shortcomings…I’m verbose! Love you women!



  360.  #360Apple Jacks on June 9, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    Hey Brenda,

    it was just the words that triggered me, not you in any way shape or form. It’s with me, not you. There are no shortcomings with you. You’re perfect as all of us are.



  361.  #361Brenda on June 9, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    Apple Jacks, LOL! NOT!



  362.  #362Brenda on June 9, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    Hello Rori,

    With a tremendous feeling of vulnerability, I took you up on your open offer for anyone to describe the details of giving oral sex in the most recent string. Maybe I should have prefaced it, to explain that’s what I was doing and why, but I chose not to. I wrote it in the form of a romance novel, and I expended a tremendous amount of mental and emotional energy in writing it.

    I feel extremely disappointed to see that string was pulled. Why? More importantly, I had intended to copy what I wrote, because I value what I write and that was a concentrated piece of writing that was a huge part of me in black and white.

    May I PLEASE have a copy of what I wrote? Or, better yet, can you repost that string on oral sex? It was the very first time I put out such a vulnerable piece of my writing, and I was very interested to see how people responded. This is the first opportunity I’ve had to get back on the internet since I wrote it. Please let me get a copy of what I wrote at the very least.

    Thanks in advance,
    Brenda



  363.  #363Apple Jacks on June 9, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    Brenda – Haha. What I meant to say was, we’re all perfect in our imperfections.



  364.  #364Siena on June 9, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    Back from my date. Leaned back and listened at level two… But I didn’t really use any feeling messages. I still need to feel more comfortable with the guy before I can easily speak feeling messages.

    Hmmm, he was nice. A little boring if anything. But def better quality than my first CDs.

    So what happens now, Rori? These CDs aren’t really triggering me anymore. Do I just keep doing this until Mr. Right comes along? It’s feeling less and less like therapy, and more like a lifestyle. I don’t want to be a serial dater (haha too late!)

    Hmmm, I wonder how I could “go deeper” with these CDs so as to really make the most of this time. Any ideas? (and no, I’m not gonna be sleeping with them until one steps up for real)



  365.  #365Siena on June 9, 2010 at 10:47 pm

    I did use some feeling messages, but honestly, he was talking so much, it was hard to get a word in. I felt okay with that though… Sometimes it feels good to just sit back and experience the other person, which is what I was doing.



  366.  #366Brenda on June 9, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    Hi Siena! Thanks for sharing about your date! Serial dater! LOL!

    I think when it starts to go deeper is when one man starts really standing out. Then if he’s dragging his heels about committing, you can just be CDing and he’s getting the message hey, if I don’t step up, I might miss out on a beautiful woman who walks her dog on Laguna Beach! 🙂

    I wish so bad I had been following Rori’s advice when I was with Ryan. It felt like a rapidly moving relationship that was about to be committed. If I had been CDing, it would have totally shifted the vibe.

    Instead, I ended up feeling like a mouse between the paws of a gigantic cat that just caught its first mouse and didn’t know what to do with it, other than torment it!

    I hope one of them becomes really meaningful to you soon, like maybe #1CD Man?



  367.  #367Brenda on June 9, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    I like to just take the other person in, but I find it a red flag when the other person does most of the talking. It is really important to me that it’s a two way conversation, and that I feel listened to, not interrupted. That’s a major turn-off to me, and Kenny STILL does it after 10 years, whenever we get in a heated discussion. I tell him straight out I hate it and it makes me feel soooo angrrrrry!



  368.  #368Siena on June 9, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    Hi Bren, you’re up late friend!

    I have a date tomorrow with #1Cd, and I’m looking forward to it! I like him, but it’s too early to know whether he has stating power… We’ll see!

    The guy tonight – ya – if he continues to talk all about himself, it will be a turnoff. But I cut him some slack tonight because it was a first date.

    You know what? I’m feeling a little angry at M tonight! I mean, it’s been 6 months now, and hardly a peep from him! He never even really called to see how I was feeling after the breakup. He did text once… But never really followed up.

    I feel angry that he could be so cold. We broke up because he thought it was getting too serious (and I was a leaning forward overfunctioner), but we had no major problems!

    Hrumph! Where is this anger coming from? I’d like this healed please…



  369.  #369Siena on June 9, 2010 at 11:12 pm

    I meant staying power (dumb iPhone!)



  370.  #370Daria on June 9, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    Siena – hehe well if you only used a few feeling messages, theres plenty “go deeper” action available.

    I remember my first CD’s i used ONLY feeling messages and PAUSES (perhaps its time to rego there)

    it felt AWKWARD and WEIRD and verrrry coool too

    Also, something i did was follow my feelings in my body the whole time… it was a whole different thing to pay attention to my body, rather than him…

    that took me to a diff level of being



  371.  #371lucy on June 10, 2010 at 6:57 am

    Siena, maybe M is in a similar position to TN man….?



  372.  #372lucy on June 10, 2010 at 7:04 am

    I’m with you too about not getting triggered by CD’s anymore, and it not feeling like therapy anymore. The thing with TN man is therapy though – heartache to heal. Maybe your feelings about M’s “coldness” are your therapy task right now. <3



  373.  #373Siena on June 10, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Daria, very good suggestion. I’m gonna use feeling messages in that way tonight and see where it goes.

    Lucy, I think my anger at M isn’t really about him at all. I believed for a while that absent men = love. Now that I am discovering that’s not the case, I think I may be uncovering some old anger that the feelings of love covered up very long ago.

    Yes, this is old anger… even as I talk about it, I can “see” it in my heart – it’s wrinkly, kind of decaying, gross… definitely old stuff.

    Now that I am exposing it, it is released. I have no use for it. Anger, you’re right… absence does NOT equal love in a man. It’s just absence, nothing more. And yes, you’re right – he SHOULD have been there, but he wasn’t. And I turned out okay, so it wasn’t the end of the world that he wasn’t there. Thank you anger for showing me that… you can go now.



  374.  #374Exercise Balls on June 13, 2010 at 7:34 pm

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  375.  #375Isa on September 7, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    Sigh…this computer irritates me with its touch buttons…sigh I feel so alive in my bosom….I met a Mr. Wonderful….he feels right…I feel confused as to why loving someone evokes sadness…a sad nawing….I manifest and decree that I rise above dysfunctional expectations…He is my healing process…he is so much better than the other him….I feel so happy that I listened to Rori even though I was afraid because I never would have felt this….I’m all teary at this because…he is kind and considerate and patient…and a delicious melange of possibilities….and I am crying and typing and I am so glad….I feel and am so wholesome and delicious and glad…he marks a next level of my emotional wholeness…and yet I see and listen to my inner voice comparing him to dad…it heals me to meet someone i feel can and does accept me and is open to the possibility of love…but it’s the acceptance part that’s healing my heart…..gosh I can do so much more with people.

    The last guy fit the affirmation I called him forth but he was still a reflection of my fragmented self….the one who accepted emotional UNavailability is dead.

    I attract wholesome men with emotional muscles, strength to protect me and serve me through my healing process…until I can love again with abandon with no ugly old heartache from dissapointments….sigh…now I am free to just miss him and be okay with that…it doesn’t mean he’s not coming back, I am the queen, the target, the humble goddess, confident, emotionally available, and grounded in my pussy.in my feet…in my essence…I am a woman so I don’t have to roar..I just am open to love…as free and giggly as a little girl who knows in an innocent way she is loved and wanted and wants to show love and openess….I love my way…open yet committed….gusty enough like Journey…trendy and sexy…but it’s my song…my marriage..my joy is complete.

    Purged…