Instructions for Speechmaking When He’s Stalled and “Not Ready” to Commit to You

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speechHi – Nancy wrote a great comment laying out her situation with a man who’s been “not ready” for marriage for over a year — and I wanted to make sure you got my answer, so I’m going to reprint the whole question here and answer it…

“Hello Sirens,

Help me tweak my power speech! My guy of a year and 3 months is stuck and I’m miserable. We have a good love relationship going and he’s the most amazing boyfriend in every respect, except that I want a shared life with a husband and he’s not moving us towards marriage and it’s driving me out of my mind.

So, even though I adore my time with him and he calls me multiple times each day, is affectionate, funny, fun, sexy, supportive, thoughtful and wonderful, I can’t really enjoy my time with him because I’m constantly aware that we’re not in an ultimately comitted relationship and so not really together. We’re great together and it’s beyond a doubt the best relationship I’ve ever had. I’m longing for us to be married so we can live together and really let the relationship take off.

About a month after we met he casually mentioned that we could start discussing marriage after about a year. I never liked that and felt it was too long for me to wait emotionally and now at 1 year 3 months, I can feel that he isn’t even thinking about bringing it up with me. Every so often I explode out of the top of my head and put a ton of pressure on him, to which he never responds well, of course. I’ve realized that I explode because I’m not circular dating and he has all the power. So a few days ago I resolved to go back to the Turnaround and then let him know, in 2 months or so that he can’t expect to keep me all to himself (thank you Rori!) while he’s making up his mind/dealing with his issues.

When I made this plan, I had a ton of pressure built up inside and felt that I also just had to know that I’m not in a dead-end relationship. So that very night I tried to have the talk without having the talk and asked him point blank if he sees us as a couple in a “pre-marriage state” or something (should have written that power speech!) to that effect and he said yes, but that he never wants another divorce, so wants someone really, really compatible and is still assessing. He also said that he sees us as being in a good dating, getting to know each other, committed relationship. He also said I’m pressuring him immensely, that these conversations make him feel like the relationship is going backwards. What really alarmed me is that he cited 3 or 4 reasons why he’s not ready and they are the exact same reasons he gave me 9 months ago:

1. he had a traumatic divorce a year and 8 months ago (married 3 years and she cheated on him. he divorced her immediately and moved out and bought his own home. He has no relationship with her other than some loose ends that he tied up neatly during the first few months of our relationship)

2. he has a “crappy” job with night time hours and his ex cited that as a problem. I myself don’t find it to be a problem and have told him as much several times. It’s also not a crappy job. It’s an exciting job for him in many ways – driving limos full of exciting rock stars and other VIPs. The pay is not huge, but I’ll take an affectionate, fun and loving man without money over many men I’ve met with money anyday.

3. we can’t sell our houses now because the economy is so bad that we’d lose money.

Obviously, there has been NO movement on his part over this last year!

I understand that a man’s career is super important to him. I understand that he had a hurtful experience and has needed time. I broke up with him in January fearing I was a rebound. After a month he told me he loved me and missed me and that I was never a rebound and he stopped talking about his ex. But my gut tells me that these are mostly excuses he uses to keep me from storming the door. And I don’t WANT to be storming the door. I want HIM to take the lead, pick up the ball and walk me up that bridge. I’d be so EXCITED and HAPPY to marry him.

After this way too long and excruciating talk the other night, I fled to my laundry room, leand up against my stackable washer/dryer and buried my eyes in the crook of my arm. I didn’t want to look at the results of how much I pushed him. I felt SO AFRAID. My dogs came in to see how I was and I knelt down to hug them. He got up and walked through the house, looked down at me and said “I think I’ll just go home.” I just looked up at him and said “Okay.” I sat where I was until he was gone. I feel like he took the power in the relationship and walk out with it!

That was four days ago and this is the first time this has happened, so it’s scary. I am not going to call him. I’ve prepared my speech and would love some help tweaking it and some reassurance that this is the right time to use it, when he calls. In the meantime I’m dating myself (out to dinner alone and pretty comfortable! out to a movie tonight! I’m amazing!) and working on myself and regaining my power. I’m working on ‘flirting with the world’ and making myself beautiful.

Here’s my speech:

You know, I get that you need time and I really don’t want to pressure you. But, I don’t want to be one of those women who is waiting around for her man to make up his mind. I can’t stand the feeling that I may be in a dead end relationship. I’m not looking for a really long courtship. I’m looking for the real deal and am feeling ready. I’m in a relationship because I’m looking for a shared life, together.

And I don’t want to rush you. You are absolutely entitled to take as much time as you need. But I don’t want a dead end relationship and I don’t want to wait through a really long courtship. I love myself and I have to pay attention to my own feelings and needs. I don’t want to wait. However, of course you can have all the time you want and need to assess us, to develop your career, to heal from your ex, whatever you need. I don’t want to rush or pressure you. But, you can’t have me all to yourself while you’re taking your time and making up your mind.

I love what we have together and I don’t want to break up. I’ll remain sexually exclusive with you while you’re making up your mind, but that’s all.

Please tell me what you think and give me your feedback about whether this is the right time to use it.

Thanks! Nancy”

***Here’s my answer:

Nancy – brilliant comment – brilliant speech.  Here are instructions:

1. Make it very short, with the main pooints you have here, so you can say it simply and calmly, and then smile and DROP it…

2. This is YOUR statement – you’re not looking for “permission” – or even “discussion.”  Don’t even ask him what he “thinks” about this…just say it…It’s your Mission Statement for Nancy’s life…period – it is NOT ABOUT HIM!

This means you say it as “I feel…..I don’t want…what do you think…”  but the “what do you think” doesn’t have to be there….up to YOU and what feels most powerful…

3. How to deal with your emotions around all this:

>>You FEEL all kinds of things: WRITE THEM DOWN.  Examples: I feel angry, resentful, confused, weird, uncomfortable, stuck, trapped……

>>You DON’T WANT all kinds of things – Write Them Down, too…Examples:  I don’t want to put pressure on the relationship.  I don’t want to attack you…I don’t want to be angry (it doesn’t feel good to feel angry, and I don’t like feeling that way…)I don’t want to “talk” about this or “think” about it so much…I don’t want to try to convince you of anything, or rush you. I don’t want to chase you, or make you feel pushed or trapped.

>>You have ALL KINDS OF OPTIONS – Write them down.  Examples:  Circular Dating, Dating Yourself, taking classes, going to lectures, dressing differently, changing your hair, your colors, your makeup, whitening your teeth, taking a small trip out of town by yourself…

>>You want to work out all your feelings BEFOREHAND, so you can SPEAK them if the conversation gets longer than your one, simple statement

>>You want your PRIMARY emotion to be EXCITEMENT for your own life and your own dreams, and your own possibilities.

>>Workout your anger and write about it in words you can SPEAK, as much as you can beforehand, and then if it comes up, you can say,  “I’m feeling resentful and angry and I don’t like feeling that way, because I don’t want to pressure you.”

>>Whether you’re feeling emotional, or you’re feeling almost numb so you’re being “reasonable” – say ONE SENTENCE AT A TIME.

4. Keep everything as short as possible, so you can track your emotions from moment to moment — and be prepared to speak your feelings as they come up, in words you’ve already written down for yourself.  This helps TREMENDOUSLY.

5. Make sure you’ve planned something fun to do that you can turn and go do whenever you feel the urge to keep talking.

Okay – These are INSTRUCTIONS for speechmaking at this critical place of a stuck relationship.

I absolutely love Nancy’s statement of  “I’ll remain sexually exclusive with you while you’re making up your mind, but that’s all…”

To just briefly touch on all his “excuses” – it doesn’t MATTER whether they are “valid” excuses or just excuses…there’s absolutely NO POINT in analyzing and judging his “whys.”

The ONLY important thing is what YOU want — and what you’re willing to negotiate for, what you’re willing to settle for, what you’re willing to tolerate…and what you’re willing to DO for yourself to GET what you want.

This thing about him being afraid because he’s been “cheated” on is a BIG thing men say and rely on. In other words — he’s THREATENING you, very subconsciously.

When a man has this in his past and tells you about it — he’s telling you that he expects you to be TRUE and LOYAL, and that if you veer from it — by having lunch with another man, he would cross you off his list. That you’d “violate” his needs.

And this is just, excuse me…okay, I’ll be less colorful here – horsecrap.

The TRUTH is – EVERY man knows that if he isn’t marrying you, he has NO VALID claim on you. He KNOWS he can’t expect LOYALTY (as in “exclusivity”) if he hasn’t committed to you. It’s plain, basic “man-speak” — whether he owns up to it or not.

And the more we buy into this, the less respect, on a deep, subconscious level, he has for you. I would be willing to guess that he didn’t divorce his ex just because she cheated on him. There was more and uglier stuff he can’t even get to inside his brain and heart. If someone cheats on us — every single one of us blames ourselves for it. We’re enraged at them, but we think it’s because we weren’t “enough” (plenty around this for another discussion).

NOW – and this is IMPORTANT — along with this speech and your Boundaries – you’re going to have to work extra hard with the Siren Tools of opening up your heart and being an INVITATION for him. the deeper you can go emotionally, the more you can welcome him into your heart when he shows up in a good way…the bigger your impact. (Again – for more another discussion around Modern Siren.)

So — stick to your plan, your instructions, and stick to YOURSELF. We’re all behind you.

Let us know how it goes for you, Nancy, and let me know how it works for all of you..Love, Rori

147 Comments

  1.  #1Tina on August 11, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    After my speech, I realized that I didnt feel I wanted to be sexually exclusive either. I didn’t want to spend any time with him at all. I do still have feelings of sadness and loneliness but I get through my feelings as best I can, I dont want to do anything that feels like leaning forward concerning him. I dont email, no phone, nothing, I do feel the pull and my instinct is to look for him, call him whatever. I dont know if this is a good thing, I just dont. My stance serves me well at times.



  2.  #2Ann on August 11, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    Thank you Rori for another great article and thank you Nancy for sharing. I’ve always been a strong opinionated female but with Rori’s tools I’m learning how to be strong & soft simultatiously(sp). I feel the less crap we take from a man the more he’ll respect and value us. And I’m not saying everything a man does is crap, what I’m saying is the more we value, respect and take care of ourselves first the more a man will respond.



  3.  #3Aldonza on August 11, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Yep, my speech said nothing about sexual exclusivity either. Of course we weren’t in a real relationship when I gave this speech either, so there wasn’t a lot I was “taking away”. But I also wasn’t willing to make promises I didn’t know that I wanted to keep.



  4.  #4Linda on August 11, 2009 at 3:44 pm

    Here is my situation. I drew my boundary…. he gave me all his whys and excuses. (the same old stuff). I walked. I did not care. I have to focus on me and I am. A week later, he is on my porch talking, telling me all the things he is sorry for (as well he should be). I deliver my speech. Full of feeling messages and tears silently running down my cheeks at times. I felt good telling him how I felt and what had to be for me to be in this at all with him. His response? I did not care I guess…. I had put myself first. Mr closed heart openned up. … He moves close and wipes my tears. Holds both my hands…did not let go….

    Is that the going deep and becoming an invitation to him?

    Linda

    I



  5.  #5Jody on August 11, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    I need your help ladies!!! Ive been having this online thing with man. We live very different lives. Normally I would never even consider anyone like this.
    He pursued me, and was sweet, and forward. I have feelings for him, but his messages are getting shorter and less frequent.. im suppose to meet him this weekend.
    here is my speech…

    I loved the way u pursued me, the attention, and the sweet words, peaked my interest, and I was beginning to feel very drawn to you. I want and need those feelings to be attratcted to a man, to feel special, sexy, and desired, and valued. Right now Im not feeling all that attracted anymore, and its all starting to feel bad. I am starting to doubt spending my time and energy making the trip to meet in person.

    please feedback!!! i like him, but i dont want to be taken advantage of again. HELP!!!!!



  6.  #6Nancy on August 11, 2009 at 7:25 pm

    Wow, thank you Rori. Your compliments make me feel like I’m on the right track and that feels just great. I’ll definitely let all of you know how it goes. When he sits down with me to discuss his concerns, which is what he has planned (after doing a lot of soul searching, he says), I will have my speech with me and will read it if it feels right. I’m open to what feels right at that moment; my other plan being to experiment with going back to the Turn Around and doing it more completely. Since I’ve periodically had “the talk” with him (while trying to pretend it was something other than “the talk”) I’d really like to see what happens if I stop doing that (which I feel ready to do for the first time), as well as spending way less time at his home, more at my own, dating myself and flirting with the world. Oh, the other things I’m going to stop are paying for any events. He almost always pays for dinner and regular dates, but I’ve been “event hungry” and since I have more money than he does, I’ve just jumped online and bought us concert tickets many times. He drives us to them and buys dinner and drinks, but I’m going to stop doing that. I do really well with most of the Turn Around tools but have struggled with a few big ones. Truth is, I’ve been selling the realtionship to him all along in one way or another. I see that now and I feel that if I don’t take another couple to few months and really STOP all of that, I’ll never know what might have happened if I did. It’s time for me to truly lean back and stop making excuses to MYSELF about why I’m not (“Oh, but we’ll have so much fun if I do that…”) I feel I can pull out my speech at any moment and read it.
    This is all contingent upon what he decides to do. He felt pressured the other night and still stood there and told me that yes, he does see us as moving towards marriage. If at any time during my experiment he makes movements towards taking that off the table – out comes the speech. We’ll see what happens!
    Thanks for the support, the tools and the love.
    Love, Nancy



  7.  #7Simply Shannon on August 11, 2009 at 7:39 pm

    Rori: Truly perfect timing. I have no idea how you do that but I’m forever grateful.

    Nancy: You rock girl. Plain and simple. I feel so impressed with what you are doing. I would love to know how it goes, so please keep us updated.

    I’m coming back later (maybe tomorrow) with my speech for Friday with A. I feel powerful again today. I feel amazed at my ability to rebound from what I thought was devastation. I am in control here. I am so tired of feeling afraid. Not anymore. This is MY life damnit.

    Shannon



  8.  #8MJ on August 11, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    These speeches are inspiring to me. Why is it so hard to bring up the subject of the future with someone you are intimate with? I struggle with that- have written feeling messages and am just starting to use them- the speech has been written too, but am TERRIFIED to say it (we are both in our fifties and have just passed the one year mark). However, there is something about Rori’s philosophy that just makes such sense.



  9.  #9gretchen santos on August 11, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    Hi rori,

    I have this guy admirer whom i recently reconnected at facebook after 20 years. Although we live in two different continents, he’s in the US and I am here in Asia, I’d like to know how I can maintain his love and excitement through facebook without coming out too aggressive on my part. How do i function in feminine energy at Facebook considering this is virtual? We both like each other very much and we are both single.



  10.  #10Berri on August 11, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    yay Nancy and Shannon, I am so admiring your breakthrough’s right now.

    I am hoping that you lovely ladies can help me with my situation. I am currently in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend and I have been fighting lately and now it is to the point where he won’t even speak to me. I think I put too much pressure on him about moving to be with me next year, also I have been quite clingy and homesick lately. How can I undo this damage? I am feeling scared that he is on the verge of breaking up with me and I don’t want that to happen, things were brilliant only a month ago! I am going back home tomorrow and am hoping to catch up with him but not sure what to say if we do see each other. Do you think a power speech is appropriate? Here is what I am feeling so far:

    I feel sorry for pressuring you. I don’t want to pressure you or try to convince you to do anything you don’t want to. If you need time and space to work through your problems I don’t want to stop that from happening.
    I don’t want to be ignored by a man when I am in a committed relationship; it feels like loneliness and rejection, and this feels bad. I feel scared and lonely. I want to feel loved and secure and adored in a relationship. I don’t want to argue or fight in a relationship, I want to feel connected and heard. I don’t want to ignore you or what you are saying, I want to listen and understand. I want to be in a committed loving relationship where I can share my life with someone special to me. I want to feel safe to communicate with in the relationship and I want my partner to feel safe enough to know that I will listen to them too and won’t judge.
    I love myself and I have to pay attention to how I’m feeling and what I want. If you are uncertain of our future together you can’t have me to yourself while you make up your mind. I love what we have shared together and I don’t want to break up. I’ll remain sexually exclusive with you if you are able to do the same for me while you are making up your mind, but that’s all.
    What do you think we should do?

    Is this too full on? Should I cut it down a bit?

    xoxxooxxo



  11.  #11Tina on August 11, 2009 at 11:19 pm

    My speech, as screwed up as I felt, required me of some form of action. I require that of myself ACTION. I just love the Misson Statement. I kept my speech to a minimum, I left out words that I had to question myself about, such as, IM SORRY, what am I sorry for exactly? should I feel sorry that I want a committed/marriage situation?. I sorry for what?. I’m sorry that I have to say this?. isnt that my point though, to say how I feel, so what do I have to feel sorry for?. my feelings?, my thoughts? my future?. stability? love? affection? this could go on and on. no I dont feel sorry. Berri I felt triggered by your I”m sorry at the beginning of your speech. I hope this helps.



  12.  #12Berri on August 11, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    Thanks for your comment Tina. I feel that I have explained my sorry and that it is true and valid for me. Maybe I should elaborate… “I feel sorry for pressuring you so much to move next year and I get that it is a big deal for you”. And I do FEEL sorry about this. My boyfriend can be rather sensitive and I can come across pretty strong and unyielding when I want something. I believe this is a partial reason he has withdrawn. I also feel that I have acted like a bit of a brat to him leading up to him being withdrawn and that I wasn’t respecting his space as much as I should have. But that is still no good excuse for him to ignore me. But… they say it takes two to tango.

    I believe you shouldn’t apologise unless you truly feel sorry and have done an action to warrant apologising. Tina, if you are unclear on what you feel you might be apologising for, maybe there is no apology necessary.

    keep smiling
    xooxxooxxoo



  13.  #13Tina on August 12, 2009 at 12:24 am

    Ok, I want to apoligize for my behaviour recently, the truth is I feel uncertain about our future together.



  14.  #14Tina on August 12, 2009 at 12:32 am

    I dont want to pressure you about our future anymore. I “get” that you need time and space.



  15.  #15Tina on August 12, 2009 at 12:34 am

    Berri,

    I’m not an editor as you can tell from my writting. I just feel like editing your speech thank you.

    Tina



  16.  #16Tina on August 12, 2009 at 12:34 am

    I would keep the original for future referance though.



  17.  #17Tina on August 12, 2009 at 12:59 am

    I feel happy and cherish the time we have spent together, I dont want to end this. I feel you cant have me to your self so I will be accepting dates from other men. I will remain sexually exclusive with you, if thats what it takes.

    I dont know about time and date to “talk” , I just said “dont want to long” its kinda open ended but yeah, doesnt matter to me now, I’ve already started circular dating, the rest is up to him, I dont feel certain that I ever wanted a long term commitment from him now.



  18.  #18Symantha on August 12, 2009 at 3:12 am

    When I saw Nancy’s post I felt so identified with her situation as I was there as well but living together, a gorgeous engagement ring and no wedding DATE and I was feeling strung along as he was repeating he wasn’t ready, just divorced, not financally stable, blah blah blah. My story is under Rori’s question post. I’ll update Rori and you lovely sirens later as after working with this gorgeous women an following her work and blog I’m finding myself, the first step to love yourself and therefore have the relashipship you want! This has bee the most well expent money I ever had and the coaching with Rori few months back is like a seed on my heart that I stil feel growing inside me up today.
    XoXo
    Symantha



  19.  #19Mercedes on August 12, 2009 at 6:25 am

    Rori: “The ONLY important thing is what YOU want — and what you’re willing to negotiate for, what you’re willing to settle for, what you’re willing to tolerate…and what you’re willing to DO for yourself to GET what you want.”

    Man…that was a long hard lesson for me to learn, but once I did and was able to communicate it all to J…WOW! My life changed forever! I probably didn’t follow your plan for giving my speech (I didn’t know about you or your plan at the time) and said it on the fly without thinking much about anything…just spoke from my heart, but…in any case…whatever I said…it meant a lot to him and he did a lot of work after that to win my heart back.

    I like this too: “The TRUTH is – EVERY man knows that if he isn’t marrying you, he has NO VALID claim on you. He KNOWS he can’t expect LOYALTY (as in “exclusivity”) if he hasn’t committed to you. It’s plain, basic “man-speak” — whether he owns up to it or not.

    And the more we buy into this, the less respect, on a deep, subconscious level, he has for you.”

    But for some of us, that committment isn’t marriage and probably never will be. I’m a believer that that’s okay as long as it is also truly what we want in our hearts and there is no “pretending” or another “agenda” somewhere inside of us.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  20.  #20Maryland on August 12, 2009 at 6:41 am

    awesome!!!!
    it’s all i can say!!!!
    Rory, what you recomend to Nancy
    that’s exactly what i’m doing!!!!
    and i hope my plan it’s going to work!!!!
    cause
    i’ve got blind faith in you and and doing everything just for a good reason
    love



  21.  #21Simply Shannon on August 12, 2009 at 8:27 am

    Here’s my speech so far. Yes / no? Remember this is in response to A who cheated on me two weekends ago. This will be our first time seeing one another since then. Should I even go there on our first meeting? Anyhoo, here it is:

    I’ve loved every minute we’ve had together. It has felt amazing to be with you. I want to continue seeing you, but I also don’t want to pressure you or chase you. I don’t want to try to convince you of anything or tell you how you should feel. But I have to pay attention to my own feelings and needs. And I feel safer keeping my options open and seeing other men. I won’t be sleeping with anyone, including you… at least not until I feel more trusting. If you want to talk to me, call me. If you want to ask me out, then ask me out. Right now I feel okay about seeing you but I’ll have to see how I feel as time goes by. I can’t promise anything. What do you think?

    Shannon



  22.  #22Jody on August 12, 2009 at 9:17 am

    Shannon,

    I like it!!!
    -Jody



  23.  #23Symantha on August 12, 2009 at 9:20 am

    Shanon,
    This is the very same guy who cheated on you?



  24.  #24Simply Shannon on August 12, 2009 at 9:20 am

    Option 2:

    A, I feel so good when I’m with you. I’ve loved all of our adventures and the time we’ve spent together. But I feel confused right now. On the one hand, I feel angry about what happened. On the other hand I still love you. I don’t know how all of this is going to play out. Right now I still want to see you. At the same time I don’t feel comfortable being exclusive. I won’t be having sex with anyone else, and for now, I won’t be sleeping with you either. It just doesn’t feel safe to me. I don’t want to feel angry anymore. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to hold this over your head or play the victim. I feel tired (bored) with that. I don’t want to pressure you or try to make you feel something you don’t. You have to decide that for yourself. So for now, I just want to see how it goes and decide how I feel about us later. What do you think?
    – – – – – – –
    Which one sounds better to all of you? I think option 2 sounds more authentic to how I truly feel. I really don’t know what I want right now. I feel scared to admit that I want him after what has happened. And it feels even scarier to want someone who may not even really want me. Ugh. I don’t know what I’m doing.

    Shannon



  25.  #25Bethany on August 12, 2009 at 9:20 am

    Shannon,

    I would cut this last part: “If you want to talk to me, call me. If you want to ask me out, then ask me out. Right now I feel okay about seeing you but I’ll have to see how I feel as time goes by. I can’t promise anything. What do you think?” It’s directive of him and subtly instructing him…otherwise, you go, lady…you are amazing.



  26.  #26Mercedes on August 12, 2009 at 10:25 am

    Shannon: I think about you so much right now and it’s probably because this brings back so many memories of what happend to me and how I felt.

    When J and I broke up the first time, he was with another woman (sexually) while we were apart. It hurt so much. I missed him a lot (mostly, I missed my best friend) and he missed me too (also his best friend). We had been together for over a year and I had recently moved to another state to be near him and everything felt so wonderful…but he still reached out to another woman and invited her into his bed very soon after we ended our relationship. This should have told me we didn’t exactly have the foundation I thought we had, because if it had been strong, he would have needed time to heal from our breakup. He didn’t.

    Immediatly after it happened, he assured me he regretted it and was sorry and it wasn’t going to happen again and it was just a weak moment and he was rebounding from me..etc, etc, etc…I took him back into my life. We got back together quickly and I soon discovered nothing had changed.

    The second time we broke up, it was because he cheated on me. He instantly regretted it and said he was sorry and it would never happen again. That wasn’t NEAR enough for me. He needed to do a lot of work on himself. He needed to be able to figure out why it happened. What was it about her that drew him in? What was wrong with our relationship that made it not enough? What happened? Without the answers to those questions, it was bound to happen again. He first started with “it wasn’t you or us, it was me.” and continued the “I’m so sorry. I miss you so much. It will never happen again. I could never hurt you that way ever again. I have all of these regrets and I have to live with myself.” blah blah blah.

    We were apart for about 8 months while I dated and he worked on himself. He needed to discover some things about what he wanted and needed in a relationship and I needed to decide the same for me. WE needed to see if we could provide those needs to each other or not. We barely spoke (mostly me ignoring him) for a very long time. We did not date each other. He did his work and I did mine. When we did start talking consistently again, it was mostly about the answers to those questions and where he wanted to go in life. For me, his words did not affect me for a very long time. It was only after he got to a place where he was happy in his own life (but said he could never be FULLY happy without me) and until he was able to really let go of the things that drew him to other women that I really started to think about trying again with him. Things went slowly and I continued to date other men even after I decided to let him take me out on that “first date”.

    We are so incredibly happy now, but I know that if I were in that same situation with another man, I wouldn’t do it the again. I’m not sure all men are willing to work on themselves the way J was, but I hope for your sake that A is able to answer those questions and heal the part of him that needed to reach out to a woman who wasn’t you before you give him your heart again.

    Anyway…that’s my long story to tell you how much my heart goes out to you and how much I really hope he’s healing for the sake of himself and your relationship and not just for the sake of getting you back into his arms.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  27.  #27Simply Shannon on August 12, 2009 at 11:03 am

    Mercedes: I can’t tell you how much it means to read your words right now. I don’t know if A can do what J did. Hell, I don’t know if I can do what you did. I don’t know if I can forgive and move on. I just feel like saying to him what I really feel. I’m feeling confused and unsure about our future together but I still have strong feelings for him. I do. That’s the truth. I miss him. At the same time, I don’t want a relationship with him just because we miss each other’s company. I want friendship but not at the cost of passion. I know friendship is not enough (clearly). I don’t want a friend. I want a relationship with a man that can’t live his life without me and vice versa… who can’t imagine being in the arms of another because he loves me too much. And every day that goes by, that “missing him” feeling gets smaller and the pain is easing up.

    Maybe one day (like you and J) we’ll look back and think of this time as the point that brought us closer. Or maybe this is just all it will be, and someone else is out there who is better for me. I don’t know. Until I do, I’m going to be seeing other people. It takes the pressure off in ways that amaze me (the previously circular dating doubter).

    And I think I just found my speech.

    Thank you Mercedes. I am truly inspired by your ability to be vulnerable and to work through your feelings with J. I feel glad for you that it all worked out in the end. And I know for me that no matter what happens, it’s all going to work out too.

    Shannon



  28.  #28Mercedes on August 12, 2009 at 11:24 am

    Shannon: I think you found your speech too! And…I do think it’s so importantfor you to tell him how you’re feeling. I wish you the best with this and I’ll be thinking of you…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  29.  #29Tina on August 12, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    Simply Shannon, I like the feel of your speech. I like the feel of all the speechs, I learn so much even if it’s just one line in a comment. I liked what you said about loneliness isnt enough to keep us together. Missing him does get smaller and the pain does ease up. I feel as long as I’m in action, meaning if I am doing the tools there is no way I’ll go back, I can only go forward. I want to learn and discover things about myself every day. I dont want to waste my life. It’s not enough for me to feel lonely and want him back , back to the way things were before I found this site. I struggled a life time with deserving/undeserving self sabotaging behavior , I still do just not so often and not to the degree I did before. That feels ok for me, I found my horses,yes I have two. I’m still wanting a pole though, it just sounds like so much fun. I going to make a list of gifts to myself, hehe a pole and a kayak yup.



  30.  #30Simply Shannon on August 12, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    Tina: I love the idea of two horses. A spare for when I want to ride a different one. LOL!

    If I haven’t said it already, I highly recommend circular dating. I feel so much calmer now and feel open to whatever comes my way. My phone has never gone off quite so much as it has this past week. It has truly been a God-send to me. Kept me from “thinking” too much. I don’t know what will happen on Friday with A. I’m almost considering just going and having fun with him. I’m not committed to him anymore, so maybe I’ll just treat him like any other date. I’m wondering if there isn’t something to that article about letting him work through his stuff and really leaning back. If I have a discussion with him, it will just make him feel bad. And realistically having the conversation with him right now will only bring me down. I haven’t forgotten (and I’m sure he hasn’t either). I just don’t feel the pressure to push him for a commitment of anything when I have no idea what *I* want. I don’t know. I’m kind of winging it right now. I’ve got my speech in my backpocket. We’ll see how I feel on Friday.

    Tonight I feel relaxed. Sitting outside on my porch, drinking a beer, and hoping to see some meteors from the meteor shower. So far no luck. Going to get one more beer and then go to bed. Night all. Shannon



  31.  #31Jody on August 12, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    I needed help, and no one cared….



  32.  #32Karen on August 12, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    Jody, I only just now got a chance to read this post and it’s comments. Since no one else responded, I’ll do my best to help. I feel that you have a great speech already, but it needs just a few tweaks to give it more impact. Here’s the way I think RR would approve of it.
    “The way u pursued me, the attention, and the sweet words, peaked my interest, and I was beginning to feel very drawn to you. I need those feelings to be attracted to a man. I also need to feel valued. Right now Im feeling less valued, and its all starting to feel bad. I feel that I’m wasting my time and energy making the trip to meet in person. What do you think? ”
    Let me know if this helps, okay?



  33.  #33Simply Shannon on August 12, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    Jody: I feel bad that you think no one cares. That’s not the case. Just been too preoccupied with my own stuff. I feel selfish but it is what it is.

    So here’s my two cents on your speech. I would keep it short and pause between each sentence. I wouldn’t go for a long speech. Since he hasn’t met you yet, he may be clueless about these things. And maybe he’s just not investing so much until he actually meets you. (Just a different way to look at it.) Pause and let him say stuff in between. And then you may not need the whole speech.
    – – – – – –
    I feel anxious about meeting you this weekend. Pause. (He may ask why. And you can follow with the next sentence.)

    I feel distant from you. I like to be pursued, the attention, the sweet words. I miss that. Pause.

    I feel concerned about spending my time and making the trip. Pause.

    What do you think?
    – – – – –
    I hope that helps. Let us know how it goes and if you go this weekend. Shannon



  34.  #34Tina on August 12, 2009 at 11:19 pm

    Jody, I feel first of all, you should not go meet him in his town thats leaning forward. I feel you should not do that, time, gas, money, food ,investing to much lol. He is blowing you off online, maybe? we dont know that, it just feels that way for you. When Im feeling uncomfortable ,usually im leaning forward in some way, or thinking about it.



  35.  #35Christine on August 13, 2009 at 7:41 am

    Dear Rori,

    I have done it! I have won the battle! My now ex fiance has totally stopped communicating with “Leah” his co-worker. But now what? He says that he is having a trust issue that he has been burned now by 3 women, (I am not one of the 3) how do I go from “friend” back to lover? On one hand he talks about moving on from me and yet I can still hug, cuddle and kiss him and he wants to do things with me like see a movie or hike; things that we use to do together before all of this mess happened. To me that doesn’t sound like someone who wants to move on but then what do I know about how a guy thinks? I have been told by friends to give him time and the space that he feels like he needs and then he will come back around to me. What do you think? I trust your advice since your advice has been spot on since this whole mess started a month ago now.

    P.S. I might be pregnant as well!



  36.  #36Tracy on August 13, 2009 at 9:38 am

    I feel happy today…..i feel glad that i am in a good place and i am making progress..it feels great and i feel glad to be in this blog…



  37.  #37nikita on August 13, 2009 at 10:39 am

    hello Ladies 🙂

    I’d like to share this video. It reminds me so much of what Rori speaks about in her book and with us. I hope the link works.

    xxx Nikita

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12BhS22ZySA&feature=related



  38.  #38Rori Raye on August 13, 2009 at 10:54 am

    Gretchen, don’t even try. Please. Focus on the men who are close to you logistically. Trying to connect with a man so far away is just damaging yourself more – further intensifying your fear of intimacy. Get out there and Circular Date! Love, Rori



  39.  #39Rori Raye on August 13, 2009 at 10:57 am

    MJ, welcome, and — Brava to you for stepping up for yourself and beginning to speak your truth! Just take the steps, use the Tools, and PRACTICE. If you can’t speak the truth to a man, if you can’t share your feelings with him and be authentic, vulnerable and REAL with him — you have no relationship. After 1 year, if you can’t talk to him, you have to learn how. Start small. Use my Tools and start with OTHER people, just like I outline in my book and programs. This is what Circular Dating is for…to baby-step your way into learning how to talk with a man in a way that brings him close, tells the Truth, and does NOT push him away. You’ll be amazed how fast this works for you. Love, Rori



  40.  #40Rori Raye on August 13, 2009 at 11:01 am

    Christine, Oh my goodness — the possible pregnancy is completely separate from the relationship. He sounds to me like he wants to be “friends.” That’s all. Of course he’s cuddling and kissing you – who wouldn’t? It doesn’t mean anything if he doesn’t follow through. Please, Please prepare yourself to be a fabulous, amazing, fantastic single mother. If you ARE pregnant, this might just be the thing that changes your life in a GOOD way. So MANY women have attracted fabulous men AFTER they’ve had babies. Talk about “changing your vibe” – when your child is more important than a man – you turn into a “Siren” almost automatically! Love, Rori



  41.  #41Daria on August 13, 2009 at 11:44 am

    I feel so excited! I just got a letter from a guy who teaches guys to attract girls (pua i guess… named Joseph Matthews) and this is what it said

    “QUESTION FROM A READER:>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Is there a difference between a Nice Guy
    and a Gentleman? I consider myself a
    gentleman. Unfortunately I don’t know how
    to tease girls or flirt, I haven’t acquired
    the skills YET. So I act like a gentleman.

    Kyle

    MY RESPONSE:>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Let me give you a brief language lesson…

    The word “Gentleman” is really a combination
    of two words:

    GENTLE and MAN.

    Gentle can be defined as “affable, agreeable,
    benign, meek, trained… and nice.”

    Man can be defined as “boy, chap, dude, or…
    guy.”

    GENTLE MAN = NICE GUY.

    The concept that the two are any different
    at all just doesn’t work.

    Saying you’re a “gentleman” who doesn’t know
    how to flirt, is the same as saying “I’m a man
    who likes to be nice to women and get nothing
    in return.”

    Now, if that’s what you want, by all means,
    consider yourself a “gentleman.”

    You’ll get a lot of nice smiles, and “thank
    yous” from the women…

    Right before they go home with another guy
    who ISN’T YOU.

    But here’s where I think you’re getting
    confused…

    You don’t NEED to be a jerk to easily attract
    women. It is possible to be NICE to women and
    have them be attracted to you.

    But you can’t simply be a sexually-neutered
    “nice guy” or “gentle man.”

    You NEED to have an aspect of male sexuality
    to your personality (i.e. flirting and teasing).

    For instance…

    Think of James Bond for a second if you will.

    Here’s a guy who’d be considered a “gentleman.”

    He’s suave, smooth, and sophisticated.

    But he’s also IRRESISTIBLE to women. Why?

    Because he has a lusty glare. He has a sly
    smirk. He speaks with double entente. He
    teases the woman he’s talking to. He
    emphasizes his sexuality.

    And if you ask women if they would consider
    James Bond a “gentleman,” they would totally
    say “YES!”

    So what separates you from James Bond?

    (Well, besides the fact you’re not a secret
    agent for the British Government.)

    Simple:

    IT’S KNOWING HOW TO FLIRT!

    Flirting isn’t just for women! Men MUST do it
    if they want to attract a potential partner.

    Being a good flirt is about embracing your
    own sexual nature as a man.

    Now, this can be difficult if you’re not used
    to it. But trust me, women love it!

    If you think you’re stuck being a “nice guy” or
    consider yourself a “gentleman,” but don’t find
    yourself having any real success with women,
    just use this simple rule:

    WWBD.

    WHAT WOULD BOND DO?

    Would he stand a little closer to a woman than
    the average man would?

    Would he look at her lustfully?

    Would he smile and joke about sex with her?

    Would he take the lead, grab her by the hand,
    and lead her to someplace more intimate?

    The possibilities are endless when you know
    how to flirt and tease a woman.”

    i feel excited… this is what is missing from my own nice guy! I want to be Flirted with and Teased a little bit.!

    yay!

    now i could finally put my finger on whats missing and what i want

    yay



  42.  #42Simply Shannon on August 13, 2009 at 11:56 am

    Daria: I am laughing at myself right now. Reading your note… just reading it… has me feeling turned on. My face is blushing. Yes, it would feel fabulous to be teased and flirted with like that. So much of being sexual with someone is the build up beforehand (at least for me it is). Some of my most intense turn-ons happened in the most innocent of places because a) I couldn’t jump him right there and b) he stood close or whispered in my ear or pulled me somewhere private. Gawd. This feels good. Thank you for sharing that! Shannon



  43.  #43Daria on August 13, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    yay

    i feel so excited. I just got picked up to hang out with some friends in romania. (Dock btw that’s really cool your nephew is here… what city is he in /?)

    well… i have been struggling and am ready to let go of struggling with something that is not really a problem but i didnt really understand

    in America i am attracted to mostly black men

    however, in Romania i am attracted to Romanian men

    i was feeling concerned that 1. i am shutting down my options some way… and 2. that people judge me

    anyways ummm my point was that
    i was at a table with a bunch of guys. The one on my right was not particularly interesting at first.

    Then he was talking about his web design business and i thought hmm.. maybe its cool to make a contact

    then he talked about “couch surfing” an organization where people travel and stay for free with others

    well he was telling us about his sexual experiences with some girls who came through, making jokes about it, telling us about one girl who he said dang i can’t do this everynite lol

    ok so then after these stories (which i guess showed his sexuality and after i was kind of admiring of him as having his own business) welll

    i feel attracted to him

    yay

    i feel excited and i feel a big smile on my face

    yaya

    i love romanian men they are confident and self possessed enough for me… i feel often attracted to them even seeing them walking around on the street



  44.  #44Daria on August 13, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    Shannon i feel glad you liked the article.

    now i dont know… the guy who is nice to me but i dont feel turned on by, he doesnt ever tease me. he makes sexual comments sometimes, which is ok,
    but he often makes moves on me after he’s said somethng very baby talk like

    i like to be teased a little bit, i consider it flirting

    does that mean im reacting from my trauma?

    i dont care

    i feel good being teased (not in a mean way) and flirted with… i feel like im being paid attention to and also i feel awakened and excited and sparkly eyed and happy and smiling and laughing



  45.  #45Daria on August 13, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    I want to communicate my ideas well and effectively. I feel scared. I feel excited. I want to be able to “get through” to people and help them.

    In a good way, not a projecting/forcing my solutions onto them kinda way (NV).

    I am having a conflict of ideas between letting people do what they choose and forcibly forcing them to do what is good (ie… not allowing someone to commit suicide by force, or not allowing them to abuse destructive drugs by force.;;) hmm.

    I feel interested in having this conflict resolved for me in a feel good way by my all powerful subconcious.

    yay.



  46.  #46heartbeat on August 13, 2009 at 4:32 pm

    Nikita thanks for the link! Here’s another that feels really relevant too

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clGB5vndmms&feature=related

    Love to all xxx



  47.  #47Daria on August 13, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    I love my T-tapp exercise. It just keeps getting more and more better…

    it feels like a dance, that my body was designed to do! It feels like my spine is lengthening… wow it feels good

    and brushing my skin feels amazing!

    ive been exercising and brushing and meditating in the morning and at nite

    wow

    its what my second or third day in a row and already i feel So good

    it felt good doing it sporadically, but doing it twice a day feels multiple multiple times better…

    i feel like i found an ancient secret



  48.  #48Bethany on August 13, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    Hey everyone, any comments about this speech would be really appreciated: Christopher asked me to drive 5 hours to see his band play on Saturday.

    “I know I’ve been dragging my feet on coming out to Wells, and honestly it’s because I feel exhausted. I sat with it and realized I feel weird ever since we got back from Ireland about the whole money thing. It feels like the dynamic has shifted to a place that feels kind of weird. It feels like we have a banking relationship instead of a relationship relationship. I don’t want to feel angry and depleted from giving so much and pretending to be understanding when I really feel angry.”



  49.  #49Bethany on August 13, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    And, second part would be “So, do you have any ideas about what we could do to patch things up?”



  50.  #50Bethany on August 13, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    Also, should add, “I know you’re going to pay me back and that’s not the issue, it’s just that it feels like we’re more friends than lovers, and it feels bad for me to get financially wrapped up with someone I’m not at least engaged to…thanks for listening…”



  51.  #51Simply Shannon on August 13, 2009 at 11:20 pm

    Bethany: I think that your speech sounds brilliant. Speak from the heart. You have nothing to lose. I just had this experience myself and let me tell you truthfully it is nothing short of amazing. By not telling the truth, you are only selling YOU short. Be strong sista. You don’t have to know the answers. You only have to know how you feel and right now your situation feels not good. Go towards feeling good. This is YOUR life. What do YOU want? And like I said, being honest feels f’ing amazing. Your life will not end without this man. It just will not. You may feel like it will but IT WILL NOT. You deserve to be happy. ****YOU**** DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. Can I say it again? Yes I can. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

    Okay, I’ll comment more tomorrow but for now Operation Evolution Simply Shannon – in full f’ing effect.



  52.  #52heartbeat on August 13, 2009 at 11:32 pm

    Bethany your speech feels really good, I like the way you express how your feelings about the loan led you to reflect on the whole relationship.

    Shannon – LOL! – keep on truckin’ 🙂



  53.  #53heartbeat on August 13, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    Blog feels really good at the moment – I’m learning a lot from reading others’ experiences. I feel in a solid place now but I never stop learning. I appreciate the links and tips on alternatives too. I don’t always feel like commenting – I’ve been wrapped up in projects recently – but I still like to keep up. Thank you everyone.



  54.  #54gina on August 14, 2009 at 12:36 am

    Nikita,
    Thanks very much for sharing that video. I feel like the most revolutionary thing we can do right now is be happy and feel good. I sense people questioning where i “get off” feeling good lately. Where do I get off having a point of view, a mind of my own, a day of nothing, a beaming smile, luxury in any form. Everything is SO BEAUTIFUL. I love life. Everything is a sparkly beautiful dream come true. And I want more and more light – I can’t get enough.



  55.  #55alias girl on August 14, 2009 at 12:48 am

    yes gina me too. i feel right onboard with you. i feel right there with you. i feel so happy to finally feel free. omg. i feel tears. i feel grateful. i feel love. i feel supported and supportive.



  56.  #56Daria on August 14, 2009 at 3:55 am

    I feel pretty good too. Dang it I want what Alias Girl and Gina are having… hehe…



  57.  #57Daria on August 14, 2009 at 4:58 am

    ugh so this guy who i slept with once but then we had an argument and he hasnt really contacted me except for a missed call i got right before romania…

    we argued because i got mad that he was talking to me about his baby’s mom and his best friend thats a girl

    anyway now he was online and i was thinking about contacting him

    then he has this status message that says
    something like she has me twisted how i feel dont get mad get glad
    and then his feeling is “adored”

    so at first i didnt know what the hell he was talking about but the adored part i guess he likes some girl, maybe his baby mom maybe not

    but i feel mad

    i want to not get mad get glad haha cuz that probably means more love for me

    but i feel MAD i feel jealous and i feel amused

    i also feel sad like boohoo how come he didnt feel twisted over me maybe it was me leaning forward urgerrrrburger



  58.  #58Tracy on August 14, 2009 at 5:35 am

    Yeah…Nikita,thanks for sharing that….
    Bethany..thanks for sharing the speech….i intend to use the same concept on a guy i really like and i also feel the same way….
    I feel really good and happy…..i don’t feel so concerned about the guy or what he does or what he’s up to….i just feel happy and i want to continue feeling happy and being me and being authentic…I feel like i am in a really good place and what makes it even better is that….it has got nothing to do with any particular man…i often thought that only a guy would make me feel this happy…..yet i feel so much love for myself and the universe and i all i really want is to share it….
    I feel that my speech is getting better as i try to discover more about how i really feel and i feel that when the right time comes I’ll have something wonderful and authentic to say…..



  59.  #59Daria on August 14, 2009 at 8:54 am

    Just came back from getting my eyebrows done! They look beautiful!

    I realized very quickly after my boo hoo post that I always ask this man to come see me and he doesnt have a car. He’s probably waiting to get a car and then will be contacting me… hehe..



  60.  #60Daria on August 14, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Actually he just contacted me right now online! heheheheeeee



  61.  #61Daria on August 14, 2009 at 10:51 am

    i must have manifested this since i really believed what i said above.

    now i want to believe that he is super attracted to me (even though his convo was too short for my taste right now and i feel a little disappointed) and that is good for me AND HIM to uh… engage

    cuz i feel guilty that im gonna break his heart if he gets all the way into me, and also i feel nervous like maybe hes not into me

    so that may be creating the situation like Erika said where he’s picking up the vibe and thus not coming as close as if my vibe was clear

    hehe

    i feel excited he contacted me and i feel evilly (guiltily?) amused that he did so even though he had that “adored” status message

    haha

    i feel all teary eyed in a strange way



  62.  #62DocK on August 14, 2009 at 8:07 pm

    Writing from phone… Daria. Enjoy Romania! Nephew home now. Will try to get more info on where he visited. Also going to ask Mama where her parents were born.



  63.  #63Daria on August 15, 2009 at 8:34 am

    Thanks Dock! It feels wonderful here… and even more because i feel more open and less scared of people… it feels like connected almost village like energy… i love walking around and Feeling people haha

    im also letting go of ethnic judgements and stuff.. who cares if other people have them or would judge me for NOT having them.. .I don’t like them, i like being open to all people

    I guess this was a gift from moving to the us, that i opened up to different cultures and see judgement for what it is, even with all the “reasons” people use for it

    yay for having good things from moving, i guess my trauma is being reframed! yay

    im feeling good

    my country is looking better!!! (despite the billboards which i havent made peace with.. i would outlaw them hehe)

    the air here smells so good, the trees look so good.. woo hoo i am happy im here

    tonite is Santa Maria, big party here at the port in Constanta, the port town, cuz it was remade into Marine Day during communist times and they have fireworks and concerts on the beach… this is the most “crackin” night of the summer here

    the jet lag still has me, not as bad as last year, but the years before that i didnt really have it the time, hmm maybe it was when i was young, i think i ran down my adrenals so thats why, even though now they are recovering because im paying them attention now



  64.  #64DocK on August 15, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    Hi Daria

    My nephew was in the Transylvania (region) and also Targu-mures and Timisaora (sp?).

    You are a delight, Daria, so wherever you are, everyone is better for having you in their midst : )



  65.  #65Daria on August 15, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Dock — ohh ok he went to the pictoresque part of the country in the mountains… i want to go there havent been ther in like 20 years.

    I’m at the beach town its supposed to be something like 100,000 people at the beach summer season towns right now



  66.  #66Josette on September 14, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    Nancy, I am new at this blog/commenting but I had to comment to you because I can relate to the kind of guy are with. I may be a lot older than the others who have commented or I feel I am. I was married for 21 years to my high school sweet heart and have two teenagers (boy and a girl). Best part of my life was having them. I will be divorced by the end of this month and have been dating a guy for just over a year now. He is like the man I always longed for but he too has been through a bad divorce, married for 9 years no kids just a dog, she cheated on him for 2 years and he still makes excuses for her. He thinks because he doesn’t have a driver’s license he was a bad husband. He didn’t have his license when she married him!! Hello! Anyway I never thought I would want to be in a long term relationship again but he just makes me so happy in every way except he doesn’t want to sell our places and move in together and I really think it is the fact he is afraid I would be like her. He says he loves me and we are great together like the same things he loves my kids, helps me with fixing little things in my house. I drive him around! I really don’t mind but get the feeling he has “it’s too good to be true so it must not be” stall. He does say “someday” but I told him I feel it is now or never! I am 40 years old and patience is not a virtue it is a waste of time.
    Side note: I was 7 weeks pregnant and had a miss carriage and he really wanted the baby.
    Basically I just wanted to share my situation and I am planning to work on a better speech because I blew the first one before I read all of Rori good advice and everyone’s comments here. Even if you think I’m nuts for wanting to settle down again like all of my friends and family do, thoughts would be appreciated!
    Jet



  67.  #67Rori Raye on September 14, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Josette – you’ve got this WRONG!!!! He has low self-esteem and he LIKES being punished and cheated on!!! That’s the kind of woman he falls for. YOU, on the other hand, are overfunctioning, and overgiving…and he is simply not all that attracted to that kind of woman (very few men are…) — but he’ll gladly take everything you give and feel “love” for you…but not passion or a desire to grab you and run with you…Please, please get at least my ebook and start working on Leaning Back. That alone will help you. Love, Rori



  68.  #68Josette on September 15, 2009 at 11:16 am

    Rori, I did not expect a reply from you personally. Pretty cool.
    I never saw him as having low-self esteem. I think he feels like he is a burden to people who help him. I do realize I am over giving and an over functioning women because I did it in my marriage with no return and do it with my teenagers still. I really think that with him I have a good balance of give and take, he helps me with what I need and I help him with what he needs; because we want to not because we have to. I never felt that way with my husband. It would be impossible for me to list my baggage he is dealing with; by this his passion for me shows. It is my own low self esteem that makes me put pressure on him to move in together when he is not ready so I feel more secure about our future. And logically, it is an easier schedule for me and more economical to have one household. I am holding off on any speeches until I figure this out. It is another of my miss-functions that makes me have to explain myself to everyone but thanks for your reply though I will keep it in mind!
    Jet



  69.  #69Eddie on October 14, 2009 at 1:55 am

    Shalom,

    As a divorced man, I feel Rorie that you are not only 1,000% wrong but you are teaching women to hate and use men. Men actually do have a heart and soul.

    First you are saying men hurt in the divorce process are threatening women
    ————————————-
    (this is wrong and evidently you are ignoring the pro-female VAWA divorce laws & Courts that reward $$ to women who use false charges. Further you are ignorant of the real pain today’s American Men/Fathers are gong thru.

    Via fighting Parental Alienation, 26,000 divorced fathers commit suicide every year over Parental alienation of their children)
    ————————————-
    when they say they want to go slow. And then you teach women the below THREAT (take it or leave it.)

    I’d run from any woman who threatened me like that. So would any sane man who had good self-esteem. A woman who threatens a man BEFORE they get married will continue to use threats once they are married.

    Perhaps you should rename your program
    learn how to “Marry them and dump them.”
    I’m an easy going guy and believe both sexes should have their freedom.

    But an ultimatum worded that way means the woman is going fishing-looking for another man. That indicates she never was in love with her man but USES men.

    Any man who doesn’t drop a woman like that DESERVES her. I’m going to buy your product out of curiosity. I’m also going to come back here and see how brave you are (if you erased my comments.)

    “I’ll remain sexually exclusive with you while you’re making up your mind, but that’s all.”



  70.  #70Rori Raye on October 15, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    Hi, Eddie, you sound very angry, and I get it, and I want to welcome you to my site. I will of course approve your comment…but I wanted to reach out to you first. The line about no exclusivity is NOT a threat. The fact that you see it that way says more about you, your pain and anger than it does about any woman saying it. You may feel that it’s okay for a woman to give herself to you exclusively BEFORE you’ve made a decision about whether you want to marry her or not…but all of the women who come to me have been hurt by this convention, and that’s why I’ve created this high-self-esteem way for a woman to simply “date” – without feeling she has to invest in a man too early. It’s not meant to be a threat, and if a woman delivers it to you as an “ultimatum” – she’s definitely not coming from this community or anything I teach. Doesn’t that make a bit of sense to you? If not, I’d like to ask you, without challenging your strong feelings, which I honor, what you find wrong…from YOUR point of view with a woman sharing, in a feeling way, and appreciating your feelings in asking her to be your “girlfriend” – that she doesn’t wish to be an open-ended girlfriend, and would rather wait on that until you know how you feel about marriage?

    I also wanted to let you know that you may be roundly disagreed with by the women on the site…though, I would like to encourage curiosity, compassion and Feeling Messages, because any one here may meet a man like you anywhere. I’d like to help you understand what we’re doing here…and not see you attacked you in any way.

    As for the rest of what you say…here’s my experience: A person, man or woman, reads one or two of my posts, and makes an assumption about all of my work. Once, however, they read more, really see that what I’m talking about is honoring emotions and honoring others and yourself, and being honest and NOT playing games or trying to manipulate men – they “get” it, and often become my friends. I hope you’ll take the time to really look into what we’re doing here, and see that it’s really about NOT using men….but using opportunities. So many of us were raised to feel very “needy” and insecure – and it takes extreme courage to take the baby steps for ourselves, to overcome those patterns and begin to honor ourselves and men.

    I will now approve your comment, and I hope you have an interesting time on the blog, the women here are NOT men haters – we all love men so much we can lose ourselves in you. If you were my client (and I work with many men) I would help you to get past your hurt and distrust and really get the kind of love you want and deserve. Sincerely, Rori



  71.  #71Mercedes on October 16, 2009 at 6:42 am

    Eddie: It’s always cool to have a man reading and posting here because we get to see things from a perspective other than our own.

    I do want to make a point however that many women lose their children to their ex-husbands in divorce situations as well. That dilema is not one-sided and it hurts just as much on both sides. The anger and fear and loss of power is just as heartbreaking on the side of the mother.

    The particular quote you took issue with:

    ““I’ll remain sexually exclusive with you while you’re making up your mind, but that’s all.””

    is something I’ve said as well. I’m not married to my boyfriend and never want to be married, but I did want a partner to spend the rest of my life with. He was not ready to commit. I needed that in my life. Do you believe I should have remained exclusive with him in all ways while he continued to tell me he wasn’t ready to commit? How long then should a woman wait? If you were ready for a life-long commitment from a woman but she told you she wasn’t ready yet, how long should YOU wait? At what point do you go out into the world and grab what you want for your life? At what point do you stop letting someone else decide if/when you will have the committment you so desire? At what point is loving someone but not getting committment not quite enough anymore? If we love a man who doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with us, should we wait 3, 5, 30, 80 years? Where’s the breaking point for us to decide that no matter how much we love him, he isn’t giving us enough and it’s time to move on?

    For me, I was ready. He wasn’t. I started dating other men (broke it off with him because he wasn’t ready…meaning he had cheated on me) and all of a sudden, he wanted me back and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

    I didn’t trick him or give him an ultimatium. I went after my dream relationship. He could have been there for that…he chose something else and wanted me to “wait”. My answer was no. I was ready for more than he could give me and I owed it to myself to find that something more.

    While I was out there looking for it, he realized maybe he was more ready than he thought. It was hurting him to think of me with another man. He realized what he had in his arms and what he threw away. He desperately wanted to fix it all and have us back.

    I began (after a time) to date him again…but I continued to date other men. He still wasn’t quite ready to say he wanted to be with me forever and would never be with another woman again (in the eyes of someone who doesn’t want to get married…this is what I needed). He dated me. I dated him and lots of other men hoping for that perfect connection between two of us would happen and then all other men would go away. I didn’t know if he would be the one to make that happen or if another man would, but I knew I was out there looking for my dream relationship.

    I did what I did (started dating other men) because it was right for me in my life. He did what he did (worked hard to get me back) because it was right for him in his life. We were no longer asking the other to wait…we were no longer giving up on a life we wanted while we waited. But the key to it all is that we did those things on our own without tricks and manipulation and ultimatums.

    Does that help put this into perspective a little more for you?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  72.  #72maryam on November 17, 2009 at 11:41 am

    Dear Rori
    I have read many of your books.But i am unsecure yet about what to do.
    I a living with my boyfriend .we have left together in 4 years and we have been oy-girlfriends in 6 years.
    In the begining he was very excited,he made it unntil we moved together. After two years we were togther ,we had a big conflict about drinking regulary ig amount of acohol with freind each friday as he had before we bacame together.he said he wated to get out and end relationship.We talked together,then i was very afraid and i accepted that he was there.We had three other times conflict about the same object and he said,i can not decide for him and he wanted to end,bt after talking he changed.
    One other problem we have had is that e want to have right to have girlfriends.His relation with hem is that he aske them if they have had sex,if they can send massage,florting with them,talkin about sex,sauna,song with them.I find this in mail he had send to them ,he did not know i had seen.Later i old him about hat and he said he want to get out of relationship because i have no right to see is mail.This time i was less afraid s i told him okey,i talked with his mother and brother and said he is going out.But he came hme,talked and said he stay but showed it as i have to stop seeing his mail.We agreed to try again.
    Now i have got away a jewlry he bought for me that i had on me all the time.I am working with my self not to do overfunction,i do turnaround,however it is really hard.I have stoped seeing his mail not because of him but ost because i do not want to use my time seeing what he and other women have together(I am almost 100% sure he has not sexual afair but emotional afair).
    I do not anything now.I am unsecure,vulnerable and have no control about what is hapening in his side.He comes home,say my girlfriend to me,my dear,but mariage,comitment (he says we are comited ,we live togethe,but he is emotional in contact with ther women,i know thi, have seen the mail),I do not hw i can handle this
    Can you help me?



  73.  #73Jennie on November 20, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    Hi guys,

    please help! I have found someone I am crazy about – but he is taking sooooo long to get this going. When we’re together it’s magical, we laugh and have deep conversations about relationships and what we want. We even told each other we’re both afraid of getting hurt by the other. Anyway, he said he was going to call me Tues. or Wed. to make plans it’s now Friday and no call. I’m not exclusive with him. I date – and he knows it. So, I’m not sure what to do. Do I give him a feeeling speech about how that felt or do I leave it alone since he’s not asking for me exclusively nor am I giving that to him. I want this to get off the ground – I really believe in it..but I want him to feel the motivation to do it. Ugh!



  74.  #74Rori Raye on November 23, 2009 at 5:18 pm

    Jennie – Whoa – Welcome, and….he hasn’t called – so how can you tell him what you feel? This kind of thing happens all the time – 6 hot, close dates and then…nothing. It’s just the way men are and the way dating goes. Get your mind off him. If he calls and asks you out, tell him you feel conflicted, that it feels important to you that a man say what he means and does what he says, and you really don’t like it when anyone in your life says they’ll call on such-and-such and don’t follow through. “Is this something I should know about you? Are you a flake?” said with a sense of humor is a possible way to go. Love, Rori



  75.  #75Jennie on November 23, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    Rori,
    Thank you so much for your message. I made me feel empowered to know that I have a choice here. I can speak from my feelings even though there we’re not committed. I can stand up for myself and honor myself at whatever level of relationship we’re at.
    I saw him Sat. – he met me out with some friends to watch a football game and we had another great night. He asked, as he has before, about sex (we have not yet). I said it wasn’t him, I felt close to him, it wasn’t that sex feels wrong, because it feels great, but it was that I didn’t feel ready yet – and I can’t go there until it feels right to me. Then semi-jokingly I said ‘I’m feel afraid all you want is sex from me’. He said…’ well…. i do…but I want more than that too. I feel connected to you’. when he said he feels connected to me my heart almost leapt out of my heart. It was everything you’ve been telling us – that a man has to feel connected to you to make you his forever. I am dating – and dating myself – and learning a new level of patience. I believe now that after two years plus of using your tools I’ve finally found the man I want forever and I think it may come to pass because of the woman I now am. Thank you thank you!!



  76.  #76Isa on November 23, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    I just discovered this blog and love it already!

    I have read Rori’s ebook and love the approach.

    My long story short:
    L and I were together for a bit more than a year. I moved in with him after one year of dating and things started going really pear-shaped.

    two months before moving in he found out stuff about my past that I did not want to talk about as I did not feel it was relevant and wanted to leave it behind (details about sexual history mainly. He felt that the trust broke between us.

    I asked him if he still wanted to go ahead with the move we had planned and if he felt like walking away I would understand too.

    He said he did not want to lose me, that I meant a lot to him. I was relieved that he still loved me.

    However, I was going through some tough times around when we moved. I have very low iron level (the diagnosis came later) and felt drained of energy and lethargic. at the same time, I came across as relying on him a lot. even with transportation as I was in the process of re-doing my licence and could not drive yet.

    We went on an overseas trip to my home country and six months before we moved in, he was so excited about performing one of the traditional “entrance into the family” ritual which consists of the man bringing a gift of fruits to the parents of the girls. He even asked my mum about the details under the guise of what recently happened for my cousin just before she got engaged.

    Anyhoo, it was kinda expected he would and my family was quite excited. I chose to not nag him or ask about it just to make sure he does not feel pressured.

    However, three days into our trip home and nothing from him. no mention, nothing. so I asked him and guess what? He pulled out the “I don’t feel ready” on me.

    I was devastated. I felt like I missed the scoop on my own life. I told him that it’s ok to feel that way but he should have done me the courtesy of telling me *before* the trip. now, it’s going to cause such embarassment with the family. had I known, I would just have made sure they had no expectations, and this would have given us time to deal with it between us. after all, I had the right to know and does not deserve this.
    It really hurt me. I lost grip on my emotions and just flipped. I was trying to be rational about it but then I could not and just lashed out at him.
    He said he’d understand if I wanted to end things. I said let’s talk about it when we get back.

    I just honestly did not know what to do!! I love this man and I know he can be so sweet, he stuck by me on many occasions. How could he act like such a jerk now on such an important matter and most importantly insult my culture like that?

    When we got back he left me no time. He told me we were done. (in hindsight I see that it was to draw away my power as otherwise there was a high possibility I was going to call it off). I begged him and he agreed to give it a go.
    I also said that I needed some time to think and went on a weekend solo trip to the beach. When I got back, he pulled the most horrendous phrase on me that still haunts me to date: “You have stopped touching my soul” as he told me he could not continue in a relationship.

    later he apologised for it saying it was harsh and unfair to say that. I did a lot of soul search and I still loved him. I decided to do what I needed to do. focus on me and I moved out. He missed me and tried to see me still (we work together). We got back together after three months (I pondered at large whether he was worth it and came to the conclusion that he can be wonderful and has shown a lot of his qualities before and had traits I value – honesty, sensitivity, integrity, passion).
    However, things still felt not so certain. He went away for a two months internship. He kept in touch regularly emailing almost everyday and I thought things were at least getting better from where they were.

    then he got back home and felt overwhelmed by family crises (crises that have affected us a lot at the time of moving in too). His parents marriage was crumbling and they were fighting a lot and involved him (his mum accusing him of favouring his dad for eg). He is very sensitive and it affected him greatly. his Dad had been diagnosed with a rare genetic disease that explains why he had strokes and being genetic, it can get passsed on. His mum was sick too.

    He hence told me he could not do a relationship and was sorry but felt unsettled about life. It was understandably a lot to deal with.

    I almost went mad for a split second but composed myself and said I understood. I did not contact him. He asked to see me to explain. I said I understand and I think he needs to focus on dealing with his issues without me adding pressure and not to worry about me.
    I really tried to take the focus off us (as advised by my psychologist friend).

    He insisted on having a chat about us and texted me later to ask for an appointment time the next day. I agreed. I went along and just tried to listen. He was telling me how he was afraid that after he’s dealt with his issues, I would have moved on. that he won’t then have a choice, and what if he wants to be with me?
    I emphasized that it was important that he deal with his issues first, and what will be, will be.

    He then went into chasing mode. He asked me and my good friend (whom I met while he was away so he had not met her yet) over to dinner and cooked a sumptuous meal (very impressive). He was flirting with me a lot at work and hinting hinting but never taking it upon himself to concretely ask me back.

    Finally, it was getting frustrating to me. his push and pull. so I wrote him a dear john letter. I said that I understand that he needs to deal with his issues and that it was important but that the current situation was very frustrating for me (us trying to be friends but the attraction was just too strong and while he hinted, he was not taking actions). I said I hence preferred to keep interactions formal. I don’t want to delude myself over his mixed signals and wait around. that I can have better and less frustrating use of my time.
    that maybe one day we could pick up again, should be get to a better place, and obviously should I be available.

    I concluded by saying that I love him with all my heart but that sometimes true love includes trusting the universe with what’s best for the other person even if it means not sharing their life like one would have liked.
    I then wished him all the best and every happiness.

    ————
    And I felt in control of myself again.
    I occasionally slip and get into angry moods. I then start feeling stuck again.

    sighhhhhhhhhh

    And I’m still haunted by him telling me I don’t touch his soul anymore….



  77.  #77Rori Raye on November 24, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Isa – Welcome, and thank you so much for your story – You’ve written it here in such a compelling way, I hope you’ll continue to post here …I know your experience and progress will be helpful to everyone. I hope you’re Circular Dating and continuing to practice the wonderful Boundaries you developed with this man, and yet practice opening your heart even through the heartbreak you feel. I don’t know what happened here – but I do know that if he were “right” for you, this wouldn’t have happened. I hear many different things in your letter….but the important thing is the strength you have now. Let me know how you’re doing…and we’ll all support you. Love, Rori



  78.  #78dawn on November 30, 2009 at 5:36 am

    Dear Rori, I’d just like to say thank you for showing me a better way. Some other sites advice comes off as game playing but not yours. Who truly wants someone that is easily manipulated anyway ? Not me. I love men . I prefer to believe that we are the same feeling beings with hopes , dreams and fears. I Have been to hell and back with the man I love. Ive felt used ,rejected, Insulted etc…. I feel empowered when I read what you have to say ! Your messages reach for the truth. Dawn



  79.  #79Rori Raye on November 30, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    Welcome, Dawn, and thank you for your lovely message. Love, Rori



  80.  #80Isa on December 15, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    Hello Rori.

    I just read the story of your husband stalling years ago at new years and telling you he does not feel ready.
    It strikes a chord…
    I just wish I had handled it better when L told me the same thing. instead I did the desperate thing and acted all bitchy.

    anyway, we live and learn.

    an update after my dear john letter.
    He asked to meet me to talk about it. I accepted. I re-stated the same thing. that I am happy to respect his choices but I refuse to live in delusion and I am moving on.let’s remain just colleagues.

    He just would not get around the concept of being formal and just colleagues, still trying to invite me to do friends things (dinner, lunch). I politely refused.

    He said my distance upset him. I said I’m sorry about that but we tried to be ‘just friends’ and it was not working as we saw so that was the only way we could *both* have what we want.

    I did not contact him. then one morning he rang me, “can I see you for 5 minutes this morning?”

    He’s been needing explanations over and over about why I had gone distant. I was thinking “Arrggh, here we go again”

    I said “maybe I can see you in the afternoon.” He said “don’t worry. It’s for something good!” He was smiling on the other end (I could tell by his tone).

    He gave me mince pies he made himself. and a wrapped christmas present. and his vibe has changed. He is now wooing me all over. He wanted to have a coffee later in the afternoon. I suggested to get take-away and meet me on the lawns outside my work. He went to all the trouble of going to my favourite coffee shop and getting my favourite muffin without me asking.
    We had a very enjoyable time together. It’s going slow obviously and he has not said the words yet. so I am just seeing how it goes.
    He is now away till next year. so we’ll see. 🙂



  81.  #81Lou on January 17, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    Rori, are there genuine circumstances for a man to feel unable to commit? I was in love with my ex and he with me but, having come out of a 10 year relationship which he still hadn’t resolved feelings about nor logistics ie; selling their house, he broke off with me. It was very painful and confusing considering how very happy and in love we were. But I realised that he could not give me the meaningful, rewarding relationship that I want. Nearly five months later I saw him again and he has “just started seeing someone”. That’s his description but they’ve been dating for two months. He is very uncertain about the relationship. If he really felt unable to commit then why go into another relationship? I question whether his inability to commit, which I did believe knowing his personality, was genuine.

    I’d like to make a criticism on these questions and comments if I may. They are extremely long winded which makes it near impossible to read and very frustrating. Also do the posters not realise that they sound incredibly obsessed which is obvious by the long drawn out postings of every last minute detail? Isn’t this one of the major issues/problems with men – women obsessing? Can’t there be a restriction in length? Thank you.



  82.  #82Rori Raye on January 18, 2010 at 12:04 am

    Lou, Welcome, and yes, of course there are circumstances. He could be in horrible financial straits. He could be embroiled in a lawsuit or custody dispute. He could be desperately ill. He could have any number of serious reasons why a committed relationship would be impossible and ill-advised. And yet – judging from the fact that he was in another “relationship” only a few months after breaking up with you – that’s not the case here. It’s possible that he’s still hung up on the ex, and you wanted more than he had to offer you. Perhaps this new woman is “easier” to just get by “dating.” But I doubt it. About the posts – this is a place to share. One of my major Tools – and you can find it here in the Targeting Mr. Right category – is “Riffing” – which is essentially making lists, and speaking in a stream-of-consciousness way, and, yes, we go on and on…but that’s good. The restrictions I have are very different…We share feelings, we don’t give advice. (Except for me of course – I’m the only “boy” here.) I ask you all to speak and share and express as “girls” here, in Feeling Messages, so that this can be a safe place to PRACTICE. If you’re not sure what this is all about (it’s a very specific set of Tools), keep reading the posts, get my free eletters and my ebook to start, and you’ll get what we’re working at doing here. As for the frustrating part…just read what interests you and triggers you…and respond to those. I’ll reply as I can. I look forward to hearing more about your story, and I know you’ll get help here with your situation as it’s playing out now. Love, Rori



  83.  #83Lou on January 18, 2010 at 12:15 am

    Thanks Rori, I have your ebook and a few of your programs which were all great. It doesn’t look like he’s going to be with her much longer. Also he’s not in love with her which he was with me so maybe he doesn’t feel as much fear with her – do you think that’s feasible?

    Regarding the posts I could have gone on and on about all the details of my relationship and breakup – “he said this”, “I emailed him”, “my dog got upset”, “he looked at me oddly” etc etc etc for many many paragraphs but I don’t need to do this. Being concise is easy. Obsessing about relationships and partners is unhealthy and problematic to a relationship.



  84.  #84Sheila on January 18, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    News Letter from you this morning, I didn’t know where to put this post so I will do it here. LOL

    “Words To Say To Bring Him Closer To Commitment‏”
    “Like the man I thought I loved who had almost
    become a Jesuit priest years before he met me.”

    Hi Rori, I just wanted to let you know this has to be the most valuable,honest news letter I have EVER received, I look forward to yours especially, with finances tough being a single mom, I have not been able to purchase any of your programs. But I will soon. I receive many relationship news letters but nothing compares to yours, please beleive me whe I say this.
    Oh my Gosh you Just let me have it straight into my heart. “Thats a good thing”
    I have been with my Prince SHHHH, for 9 months and something clicked in me as I was reading this,I am so excited,what a beautiful gift.
    Thank you soooooo much for your honesty, love, commitment,etc. to us women….You are such a gift.
    Hugs, Sheila



  85.  #85Sheila on January 18, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Opps, didn’t forget about you Tinque,”you are also in the same class as Rori,” “Hey now theres a best selling book..”My favorite Authors working together.”
    Hugs, Sheila



  86.  #86rob on February 3, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Hey love the blog, have bookmarked this for future reading. The information and your opinions on dating are very useful. Please checkout the posts ive done pua class on my website too.



  87.  #87patty on February 7, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    I need help with words from the heart to become an invitation. Im working hard. I end up not feeling confident and my softness doesnt always come out. My ex of 1yr and 1/2 — 3 divorces later 58 years old- not sure of us, which was a complete turn from what he did and said. Still one ex in his life very strong, he has no lines drawn for her. I had to adjust. We had issues. Im very in love with him still we work together. he was seeing someone or many??? Coming back in my life but his way cumbs. Which I wont accept. I miss talking to you. call want to get coffee on the same morning I politley declined. How do I find the words to say. I feel sad, confused, im not looking for ??? please help me. I need to say something to him. I want to bring the connectionback. We were wonderful in everyway. He lied about his ex. coming into town I went to his house we were going out on a date- she was there. made a surpise dinner for him and his son(this is his mother who lives in another state) He has custody his son is 21 He apologized but It was hard for me. I was ok until the next day when she intruded again. He said- she cancome and go in my house whenever she wants. I accpeted but she never stopped calling him-Where do I det windsheild wipers etc. Here was the problem, But i9t has been almost 4 months of trying to stay in my life and me telling him my boundaries he acknowledges and thancomes back when he feels he could lose me out of his life. or maybe to have aq back up I dont know NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP. I know i still love wont put up with this but I keep thinkling he doesnt want to lose me and here we go again. I need you to help me with my words ofwhat to say to him. thank you. I, 53 and was in an abusive marruage for 21 years. Have 3 young adult children. My loves. I want to reconnect him to me.Not sure if he is toxic or needy or emotionally unavailable. I told him months ago. I needmore he can do what he needs to but so do I. Is it just friends??? help please

    Patty



  88.  #88Rori Raye on February 9, 2010 at 11:46 pm

    Patty, Welcome, and we’ll all help you here. You know you need to Circular Date. You know there’s nothing going on here. It’s just him wanting to lean on you, not to GIVE anything to you. Look for that in another man, please. Love, Rori



  89.  #89Isa on March 1, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Hey Rori and the ladies here,
    It’s been a while since my last post…
    I made a lot of progress. l looked after myself and focused on personal goals, e.g. I practiced my belly dancing hard and got to perform just this sunday with my school, which was really exciting 🙂

    Along the way, my man, who did not know what he wanted etc (story on this blog somewhere) suddenly started moving closer and closer. I had written him a dear john letter because I could not keep hanging around being friends anymore as I wanted more. He went away overseas, pondered it all and came back towards me.

    However, he was/is still dealing with his own issues and insecurities and one of it is that of making friends. He has been hanging out with a female friend (she has a bf) and her group a lot, and trying to keep me away from them. He wanted to try having his own friends group as most people he knows in our town were through me before we broke up the first time and he was left feeling shortchanged and having lost friendships along with the relationship.

    His cageyness about his friendship with this girl (let’s call her Alice) and her group hurts me a lot. I tried talking to him in feeling messages to explain how I feel that he was making me feel relegated. then I left it for a bit, just to stand back and give him the space to show me.

    He goes biking with Alice, then they meet her bf for breakfast. I was feeling left out because while she is bringing her bf, he was refusing to bring me. and he seems to think I don’t like her (which in turn makes me think she must not like me). I don’t have much in common with her but we can have polite conversations. I respect her as his friend.

    He slowly did. He invited me to his birthday dinner with his family. He started making plans for us. He invited me to an activity Alice and her group (which was great).

    One day before his birthday, he said he had something to tell me that I won’t like. He said that back in Jan (when he was not sure we were gonna work out) he went and booked tickets to a music festival with Alice and her friends. He would have invited me to come along and all but tickets were now sold out.

    I felt weird but I said I understand. We talked about his fears and what went through his mind, etc.

    I had a nightmare on the eve of his having to go to that festival. I told him that I felt upset because I had a nightmare and somewhere it hurts me that he kept me away like that. He apologised. I said it would be good if he could go and book that trip away for us that we’ve been talking about, it would mean a lot.

    then when he went away, I found out on the website of the festival that actually tickets were still available, not online anymore but via certain local shops………………

    I froze. it felt like a blow.
    I had a busy weekend bellydancing (thank God!) and just tried to keep calm and find my balance. I even circular dated without meaning to. There were two new guys in my dept and I told them about my festival and they came to watch along with another gf of mine. so it was sweet.

    My man returned one day earlier than expected. He tried to call me but since I was not expecting it, my phone was not within reach and I was busy so I did not hear it. He thought I was still upset with him. so he texted (which I did not see) and tried ringing again and this time I heard it and picked up.

    I was cheerful and my usual self, feeling good from my dancing. He sounded tired and not so happy. when I asked about his festival, he said he’ll tell me tomorrow.

    When I met him the next day, I was normal and asked him who else did go with him, etc. He mentioned two other girls (my jealousy started rearing up a bit….) I tried some of your thought exercises Rori, I even said I will go to the shop counter and order a coffee (he was already sitting with his). just to have time to calm down.

    He told me that he bought me a present (which was really sweet).
    I felt I had to ask him about the tickets. so I told him that I found out they were still available, but I did not want to jump to quick conclusions, which is why I wanted to ask him.

    (was it a bad move?)

    He got defensive…. he said that when he bought them, he was told that there won’t be any sold at the door and he just assumed….

    I had also asked about the two girls, are they from university like us, etc [at first, just as casual conversation, it was unfortunate that they were two girls….. could have been guys and I would have asked the same questions].

    He took it to be the ‘spanish inquisition’ and said he won’t go there. I said ok fine.

    …mmm to make it short:
    we went through why he was so secretive and cagey. ie him wanting to try out friendship groups that he can ‘own’ and not lose like he had before. I said I understand. but he can do that without relegating me as I fully support him and won’t never tell him what to do/not do.

    He said he felt very uncertain about everything, was not making me happy and could not give me what I want.

    and in the end, said he could not keep going……..

    I said I appreciated him making amends recently (arggh wrong word to use with a man) and it meant a lot. but he said he did not want conversations like this nor justify his every actions nor feel like he needs to make amends….

    My question is:
    given all his recent progress coming closer, and the puzzling fact of him keeping me away from Alice and her friends, what should I do????????

    I know there are things I could have avoided saying. I wonder if I should have waited a bit longer to bring up the tickets (instead of just as he has returned) or not brought it up at all — which did not seem like an option at the time because it was really bugging me….

    thanks for any input.

    xx
    Isa.



  90.  #90Alicia on March 17, 2010 at 2:55 am

    In response to LINDA –

    Awesome! Yes it’s going deep. Great testimoney!! 🙂
    Be brave and surrender.. That’s owning your power!



  91.  #91Alicia on March 17, 2010 at 3:20 am

    Guys tend to move on sexually very quickly.. It does not mean they are in love. Reading about these guys who cheat and still care. Next, I read “speeches” that sound very authentic and powerful until I read the part that says.. I’ll be sexually exclusive with you – (until you make up your mind???) (as I date other people) Why tell them that? Unless you are asking that do the same in return. If so then add that question. Or if you are willing to do the same. But, to say Hi there cheater, I’ll be sexually exclusive, and let’s date other people. Sounds like he is getting exactly what he wants.. How long you waited to have sex with him or he you. Should alert you to how long he would wait with someone else he is “dating” and being a man is different. I think the idea of being open to other is great, and dating him but, also REALLY let him now how his cheating made you feel. Like I want to trust you but feel scared, not secure in your love, rejected and need time for my heart to open. So he can proove to be the hero. I’m sorry I’m just completely thrown by the sexually exclusive comment to a hurtful person all while allowing him to date others. I would be leaned back all the way back, turned around walking the other direction. If he want to ride up on his horse great. But, somebody help me out here? I feel nervous and protective for the ladies who offer that to men who are showing them with their actions who they really are.



  92.  #92Alicia on March 17, 2010 at 3:31 am

    The way I feel best – a good reminder for me to empower myself is by the flow of dating others, open and attraction to men, – feeling some uncertainity, – allowing myself to be exclusively pursued- then intimacy, then engagement down the line. To have sex and intimacy and not be exclusive could turn devasting, if that is what your heart really wants and if you act like it is not what you need and you are okay with it.. and find yourself bargaining with him.. sex and then find he does not want to be exclusive because you just “crossed your fingers” . I would take a huge time out , date yourself and in time get back together or the next person practice your boundries. There is lot’s of fun to be had that will keep him coming back for me and make you both happy, and get what you really want a commited faithful sexual realtionship.



  93.  #93Alicia on March 17, 2010 at 3:34 am

    Revised meant to say coming back for more. haha.. The way I feel best – a good reminder for me to empower myself is by the flow of dating others, open and attraction to men, – feeling some uncertainity, – allowing myself to be exclusively pursued- then intimacy, then engagement down the line. To have sex and intimacy and not be exclusive could turn devasting, if that is what your heart really wants and if you act like it is not what you need and you are okay with it.. and find yourself bargaining with him.. sex and then find he does not want to be exclusive because you just “crossed your fingers” . I would take a huge time out , date yourself and in time get back together or the next person practice your boundries. There is lot’s of fun to be had that will keep him coming back for more and make you both happy, and get what you really want a commited faithful sexual realtionship.



  94.  #94Michelle on April 16, 2010 at 7:45 am

    Hi, Ladies!

    I’m feeling nervous about one of the guys in my rotation (I have been trying to circular date).

    Here is some back story. This guy and I have known each other for almost a year, and nothing ever happened between us until around October. We hung out here and there (mainly at night and at his house..blah- dont know what i was thinking!) and became physical. At the time I thought we were headed somewhere but got the famous “not ready” speech. He talked about being scared to end up with the wrong person and that he just did not want a girlfriend…etc.But if he did want one, it would be me. Finally I said that I was not interested in a friendship with benefits and that the physical aspect of everything needed to end. We still saw each other, but he had a hard time with not showing his attraction and we started hanging out less and less as I circular dated. I actually started seeing an awesome guy in the process but it was short lived (long story) due to him having to move away. A short while later my “not ready” man (we will call him D) started showing up more. Things were still kind of casual until a snow storm hit where we live and he offered to come pick me up from work (it was bad out and I drive a small little sports car). He came to get me and asked if I would come stay through the blizzard with him at his house…he said he didnt want me to be stuck. Things progressed from there…very slowly. I however did not stand my ground on not being physical with him…I was still circular dating though and did a lot of leaning back. He asked me to go to an event for his work (a ball). He introduced me to all of his co-workers that were there and we danced the night away and had a blast. After then people started asking me what our deal was and I never knew what to tell them, so about a week later I asked him what he told people when they asked and he said “That we hang out a lot and are friends…” ………….

    That happened at the end of Feb. He also threw in there that he wasn’t seeing anyone else and didn’t want to. I basically told him that I wasn’t trying to make anything happen prematurely but at the same time did not want to stay in a situation that was a dead end. So of course he added that he wasnt saying that it would never get there. At that point I was cool with it and I left his house because I had things to do. After that he started stepping up again, asking to do things, seeing me more often (before it was about once a week, maybe twice. He also started asking me to stay with him when we would hang out and took me out on dates regularly as opposed to just being at his house. This brings me to where we are now. About 2 weeks ago I started having car trouble and he offered to take me to the shop to leave my car….he picked me up early on a saturday morning and i stayed with him all weekend. While I was at his house he was on facebook talking to his stepmom (who ive met once) and he sat the computer in my lap while he got up to go to the kitchen and i unintenionally saw something she sent him after he left. It was telling him about a pretty girl that he should meet from church and gave her name. When he came back he took the computer back and read it, laughed slightly to himself when he read it and shut the computer. The next day he went to church and I went to mine and then met back up later and spent the afternoon together. Seeing the message made me feel weird. This guy brings me around his family pretty often, his brother lives in the house with him and he has asked me to come hang out with his other siblings when they go out. They have seen him act affectionatly towards me regularly. Also the day I met his dad and stepmom was on Valentines day before he was taking me out to dinner, so it shocked me that they were trying to set him up. The next day I decided that regardless of how silly I felt, I was going to let him know using feeling messages and just see how it went. I was very skeptical about using feeling messages because it makes me feel awkward when I try to use them in every day life. (I said I feel so hungry the other day on a lunch date and the guy looked at me weird and said “you mean you are hungry?”) This was my feeling message to him….

    “I feel kind of awkward mentioning this….but the other day when you got up and were talking to your stepmom on facebook, I saw something she wrote you…..it was unintentional, I wasnt trying to snoop or anything like that, but I noticed it and I felt really weird about it….and then when you left to go to chruch and I had stayed with you the night before I felt uncomfortable about it”

    His response was “I can promise you I’m not talking to anyone else. I had planned on going to church. I didn’t even talk to that girl nor do I want to.”

    From there we talked on the phone and he was incredibly warm towards me. Later that night he texted me asking if I wanted to watch the championship bball games and to meet him at his house. When I showed up we got in the car and he took me to his dad and stepmoms house. I was surprised. We went and hung out with them all night and had a great time. I wasn’t sure if it was just a coincidence or if he was trying to prove a point???

    Anyway, he asked me if I would watch his dog while he is out of the country for 2 weeks….he gave me all the keys to his house and to his vehicle and told me to stay there as much as I wanted and to use the car while hes gone since mine has been messed up. I actually had already been driving it that week anways because he offered it to me when my car went back in the shop. He took me out with him last week with all of his co-workers (all guys) to get drinks and was very affectionate. They were asking him how we met and if my car was fixed. One even asked me what I was going to do while he was gone for 2 weeks. Another asked if I was going to have his car too and D chimed in and said “she can use it as long as she wants” and smiled. Two days later he texted me asking if I was at work and where I parked his car. I told him and about 10 minutes later he texted saying that the Easter bunny broke into it. I went out to check and he had gotten some of my favorite types of candy and put them in the seat. He left the next day to go out of the country and I’ve started feeling anxious about him coming back. I don’t know whats going on with us and how things will be. I’m still circular dating and have had two guys actually express that they want to see me exclusively. D does not know about these guys and I feel guilty because he has said hes not seeing anyone and I haven’t really known how to tell him that I am still leaving my options open. It feels weird to me to bring it up out of nowhere, especailly when he has been moving forward so much after my feeling message…….

    What do you guys think??? (sorry its so long!!)



  95.  #95Nancy on May 1, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    So I have been trying to decide where to start my story. First I am a widow of 2years 3 months. After my first year of loss, I spent the next year just trying to come back to life. In that process I met two men who are friends. Joe may have been interested. He made each of my girls 10 movie cds and has helped me with projects. We are solid friends. Bill asked me to go on a walk. This occurred about 10 monts ago. I recently told him on our walk last Thursday that I went on that first walk just in an effort to start living again. It has taken me awhile but I am definitely back to life. Though understand I still miss my husband and sometimes go cry at his grave side. I feel there will always be a moment an hour or evn a day where I just miss him. He is the father to my daughters. Bill has told me he is attracted to me. he loves my perkiness. He notices me very much. Approximately two months ago…we cuddled on his couch while watching a game. Later I thanked him for the gift as it had been a very long time since anyone just held me. Here is the interesting part……he has a girlfriend of 4 years. I did not care as I was not interested. Frankly, I am not sure if I am interested now…..or just coming back to life. I have never kissed him…..he would!! I remind him he has a long term relationship and I do not want to hurt him. He told me on our first walk that he had no intention of marrying her and had told her that. I do not feel I am ready for an intense relationship….I am just enjoying figuring me out. However so you know…..Bill does get my attention now that I am more alive. I am intent on building my life, expanding my friends, guys and girls and yet wonder about thoughts concerning Bill.



  96.  #96Isa on May 1, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Nancy,

    Bill has a gf.

    that’s enough information to not go there.

    I am glad you are feeling alive again and he played a part in that by being a friend.

    but the only way you can be with him is if he finishes it cleanly with her first.

    if he brings it up say something like “I value your friendship and enjoy our time together. However I do not date men who are in relationships. If you ever become free, let me know. but while things are confusing and she is still in your life, it is not going to be fair to me or to her.”

    respect yourself first.
    and honestly, he might be a nice man but why is he trying to have his cake and eat it too? it says something about his values.

    xx
    Isa



  97.  #97Siena on May 1, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    Hi Michelle,

    Your friend sounds exactly like one I had years ago. Do you have Rori’s commitment blueprint program? There’s a relationship timeline in there that was a huge eye opener for me! It shows how men and women have completely different ideas about what certain events mean like meeting the family, the 110th date, and all those things that we as women mark as important. Men just don’t see them the same way we do.

    Also, he introduced you as a ‘friend’. Have you read the posts about friends?

    You sound like such a great woman! Hugs to you!

    Siena



  98.  #98Girl23 on May 6, 2010 at 4:25 am

    Hi Rori and ladies in this blog!

    I would love to hear your comments on a speech I wrote to tell my boyfriend I don’t feel comfortable where our relationship is going:

    “I feel like we’re not making plans for the two of us anymore.

    I feel like we are increasingly leading separate lives and it makes me unhappy.

    I don’t want a relationship that makes me feel like I am just dating you.

    I want to have things to look forward to in our relationship, and right now I feel like we are not improving our connection by doing things together.”

    Please, tell me what you think!

    Hug



  99.  #99Rori Raye on May 6, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Girl23, Welcome – I’m putting this up as a post….Love, Rori



  100.  #100Lori on June 19, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    I have been dating a man for the past 4 years. We also had a talk about moving our relationship forward, was told “Did want to put the girls in the country without a way into town.” I waited for three months after that and nothing more.
    So I did as instructed, told him that I wanted a relationship that led to marriage, that I was going to date, until he made his decision, to take his time. Everything you said and guess what, He won’t even talk to me now because he is so mad.
    I realize I needed to kind of push it to find out where we were headed. H e knew from the beginning what I wanted. This has upset me but I knew the possibility of this happening, as always be prepared for the worse. Is this typical behavior? Or should I just let it go? Stick to my guns and ride it out?.



  101.  #101Rori Raye on June 19, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    Lori, Welcome, and I don’t know you or him, or how you spoke what you said, but after 4 years, if a man doesn’t know what he wants with you – you’re in a difficult situation. What do you do? Browbeat him hoping he’ll give you what you want? Give up your own dreams and just do whatever he wants? Move on? Circular Date? Seems to me Circular Dating is the easiest solution – and unless you told him about it as an ultimatum (and after 4 years, I can hardly blame you…) – you did great, and his being mad is a GOOD thing! Love, Rori (also, I took off your last name, so please use only your first from now on – look forward to hearing more…)



  102.  #102Lori on June 19, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    Here is exactly what I told him.” I feel like I am the only one who wants this relationship and I’m the only one doing the work. I told you before I wanted a relationship that led to marriage. You need to make a decision, take all the time you need, in the meantime I am going to start dating again, I will stay sexually exclusive to you only. When you decide, you can call me, or if you want to see me, call me.”
    I left it at that. And boy is he mad. He won’t talk to me at all. It’s been close to two weeks since we last spoke.
    Just a little info here. We have been seeing each other off and on for the last 9 years. He always comes back. We break it off because of the way he treats me, I always do the breaking off, then he calls and comes back, even knowing what I want. I’m doing something wrong here. HELP.



  103.  #103Lori on June 19, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Forgot to add that I told him I wanted our relationship and that I still wanted to see him.



  104.  #104Angela on July 1, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    I have read the e-book and listened to the commitment blueprint cd’s. They have both changed my whole attitude about things. I used to always be focused on keeping the man in my life happy, while I was miserable. But that has all changed. Now I am focused on me and my happiness. Just this Valentine’s Day the man in my life put a ring on my finger, but then he decided that he didn’t want to be in a relationship. So I gave him the “I Don’t Want To Be A Girlfriend” speech. He stopped calling and texting for a while, so I started circular dating and having fun just being me. A few weeks later he called wanting to see me but at that time I was busy all the time so he got upset. I really want to be with this man but, finally I felt like I was in control of my own happiness and it felt great. We still talk and everything, but I am still dating other men and having fun, because I am not so focused on him anymore. I just wanted to say thank you soooo much Rori.



  105.  #105Lori on July 2, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Well, it’s been almost a month since everything happened. We have had one hour long get together. We did not talk about the relationship, we just enjoyed a drink together, talked about the usual superficial things. He was very standoffish, I didn’t make any moves toward him. Didn’t try to touch him, hold him, or kiss him. He didn’t try to kiss me either. I hope I did all of this right. Haven’t heard from him since, and I haven’t contacted him. How am I doing?



  106.  #106Rori Raye on July 3, 2010 at 9:11 am

    Angela, Welcome, and brava to you!! Love, Rori



  107.  #107wendy on July 8, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    hello everyone.

    i have read everything with so much interest, just knowing i am not the only one going through the mill with my ”boyfriend”(lover, friend, whatever he chooses to call himself..) its been 2 years, of non commitment on his part, and its worn me down. i have never had this problem before, i have now realised i have been over compensating in our relationship. tomorrow is the talk, reading everything today on this site has helped me so much and i have a clear view of what i will say tomorrow. i know already he really isnt going to like it, and will be pretty shocked when i tell him i will be available to other men for coffees and dates. but.. it has to be done. wish me luck. you have all made me feel so strong and not alone.

    wendy *spain*



  108.  #108Rori Raye on July 9, 2010 at 9:03 am

    Wendy – BRAVA to you! Please let us know how your talk went…you sound great…Love, Rori



  109.  #109wendy on July 9, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    dear rori and all.

    well, what can i say? i was dreading writting this comment a few hours ago as i felt utterly ”failed” and terrible.. however.. its turned around.. i m still in shock.

    my partner of the last 2 years is a very deep, difficult and complex man. he is a popular musician and leads a very different life to most. i was once a fan, then a friend, then for last 2 years a lover, girlfriend, partner etc.. he has countless women throwing themselves at him and is always in the limelight, this has never been a problem and everyone knows who i am to him and its generally respected. i am positive enough in my life to not let it worry me and its always me he calls, or comes round to. however it is always in the back of my mind that there are only too many other women ready to step into my shoes the moment i am gone. so i have trodden carefully and showed no signs of any insecurity (maybe wrongly i realise now) . oddly enough its my partner with the jealousy and anger problems. if he sees me in the audience and a man is trying to talk to me he’ll go crazy. even once coming off stage and attacking a man.

    after 2 years of feeling like i never have any power in our relationship, feeling hurt, unwanted, blamed for even exisiting at times, and even banned from concerts in case any man dare even look at me (i never encorage even slightly, infact i darent even let a mans eye catch mine) i gave him my power speech today, gleened from nancy’s and a few others on here. i am a history lecturer and no matter how small a speech is i know it has to be believable and come from the heart. i was very scared to give this talk to him. it was along the lines of…

    ”i don’t want to rush you, make you angry, make you feel pushed or trapped in anyway. You are absolutely entitled to take as much time as you need to assess us, heal from whatever is making you so dificult and angry, whatever you need. I don’t want to rush or pressure you. But, you can’t have me all to yourself while you’re taking your time and making up your mind. i love what we have and of course i dont want to break it up, however i’m going to start acepting dates and coffees and I’ll remain sexually exclusive with you while you’re making up your mind, but that’s all> ( i love the last line of nancys speach)

    in a nutshell? he went crazy, really angry. it was here at my place this happened otherwise i think he would have just thrown me out of his house half way through. he said i was attention seeking, a tart, and he didnt want me if i was going out with other men because then i was ”just like all the rest, a slut” and obvioulsy i had a real problem if going out picking up guys was my thing. he was absolutley fuming and of course, missing the point really. then all the excuses why he couldnt commit to me came, which didnt phase me at all, the usual excuses.. then he left. i said i was very hurt that he didnt even consider what i had said and that he dropped me so quickly. i laid on my bed thinking ‘oh dear’ not the right thing to say at all. then… about 4 hours later he rang. would i like to go to his for a cup of tea and sit on the roof before his gig? when i turned up he was cleaning his floors, and i didnt offer to help like i always do. i didnt try and feed his pets or help in anyway.. like i normaly would. we sat watching the sunset and i was very clam and genuinely polite, it wasnt an act, there was no hidden anger in me (which really does make you seem flase when you bottle it down) then the mad rush started for his work, ironing t shirts, making a strong coffee, loading the guitars (which stupidly i have rushed to help him with in the past) i didnt move, i just sat there, expecting him to go crazy i wasnt helping. but oddy, very oddly, he said ”dont move, relax, i”l make you a coffee” . he was calm, un stressed, not angry or moody, or nasty in anyway.

    i left his place ten mins before him and half way down the mountin he flashed me down, got out his car, gave me the longest hug ever and told me he really loved me so much, with tears in his eyes.

    well, i am shocked, really. for the first time EVER i feel in control. so.. how on earth do i keep this control? will it just disapear tomorrow. he was even joking with me tonight calling me ”the ultimator” and smiling about it. i called him ”the terminator” which he looked rather alarmed at!

    i really dont want to loose this feeling of being strong and in control.

    kindest reagrds and thank everyone of you who has written on this subject, it has all helped me so very very much.

    wendy .



  110.  #110Simply Shannon on July 10, 2010 at 7:35 am

    Wendy: BRAVA!!! Wow!! Just keep doing what you’re doing. Lean back and circular date. You told him you were going to date others, now it’s up to you to do it. Woohoo!! Excited to hear how this plays out.



  111.  #111Lori on August 3, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    Why do guys get angry when you stop overfunctioning? He hasn’t called me or anything for awhile. Told him I was giving him time and space to work things out. I was overfunctioning, and when I quit he got angry.



  112.  #112Rowan on August 13, 2010 at 9:43 am

    Hello Rori and everyone else.
    Thank you for sharing your stories on this site. I have been working with the Rori Raye tools for about a year and it has been fantastic. Briefly, I found Rori when I was heartbroken, desperate, disgusted with myself and my relationship (now over).
    Things have turned around a great deal since then. For the last nine months I have been in the most fantastic relationship of my life. It feels a little weird, though, because I no longer have those deep feelings of desperation tied to my own insecurities and actions based upon them (giving, helping, doing everything, accepting less than I want/deserve) because I have learned to heal myself and take care of myself.
    All Good things. A million thanks to Rori and everyone else on this site for sharing your stories.
    So, now, I feel ready, to have a life-long, committed, fantastic relationship. …and I am starting to feel like I’ve just been put into a holding pattern by this wonderful man. I still have coffee and lunch dates now and again and spend time with male friends in whom I have no romantic interest, just for practice. I don’t know if he explicitly knows about all this and I have never made any effort either to conceal or reveal this fact. However, I fear I may be doing something wrong or missed something.
    It was time for the speech, and I completely chickened out. Actually, I didn’t have anything prepared so I failed.
    We discussed me going home (from his house) and returning a few hours later with equipment for an activity that we planned to do that afternoon. This happens nearly every weekend, roles reversed more often than not. I often dropped hints that life would be so much better if we lived together, which fall on deaf ears.
    This particular day, I started to feel upset; angry and extremely sad thinking that this might be the continued pattern, (possibly forever). I actually had a huge sinking feeling. I tried to leave before I hit the bottom but he noticed something wrong and wanted to know what the matter was.
    We laid down on his bed, at his insistence. I in tears, and he utterly confused. I cried and tried not to look away from him (something I do to shut myself off). I just laid there and cried while he held me. I was willing him to read the thoughts from my mind that I felt too afraid to tell. He tried to help, offering to drive (we live about 30 min apart), change plans &c but of course who drives where and the cost of gasoline have nothing to do with my problem.
    That was last weekend and now I feel that I have let a wonderful opportunity go by me. I still have the same feelings, the same fear of being relegated to a great enough for now girl. It is almost as if I don’t want to see him unless he has a ring and a proposal for me. I feel resentful, mainly because I didn’t share my feelings and let him know that I knew my own value when I had the opportunity.
    We have been together once since then and I feel that the event has left a strange/ bad feeling for both of us, at least, I know it has for me.
    How do I bring this up again? Maybe just say I want to talk to him about the reason I was upset and crying last weekend.
    Any advice is appreciated.
    Also, here is my speech, which I have delivered in splendid fashion to myself everyday since 🙂
    “I don’t want to be one of those girls who waits around for a man and sells herself short by settling for less than she wants and deserves. I am looking for a man who to build a life with; get married, have children; everything, and I don’t want to pressure you nor do I want to start building castles in the air. I love the way I feel with you. You can take as much time as you need but I don’t want just a boyfriend.”

    p.s. Rori, do you still do private consultations? How can I get more information about this service, if it is available?



  113.  #113Lisa on August 19, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    Hi, i’m new here. here’s my situation. I’m a bit embarrassed to say but here goes… i’ve been seeing, brian for almost a year. we met on a dating site. at first i didn’t think he was my type, but to be fair, my ‘type’ hasn’t been working so well for me so i went on a couple more dates with him and found myself becoming attracted to him. I ended up having sex early with him, i know ‘bad girl’. but i did. we saw each other every day for almost 3 months. i have to tell you i’m a pleaser when it comes to men. i just give and give, looking for things to show them what a great ‘catch’ i am. i fold laundry, run errands, make lunch, go along with whatever they want, easy going i am. eager to please, and i enjoy pleasing the man i’m with. initially he led me to believe he was also looking for a long term relationship. then suddenly, out of the blue, he breaks up with me … in a text message! says he can’t give me wat i want. well, somehow we remained friends, but i allowed it to turn into fwb. 🙁 in a couple months he moved in with an ex, we had established a business relationship prior to this, so we kept contact, and even then although i attempted to stay away, we ended up in bed together. don’t get me wrong, we were not always having sexl, more often than not we were just together, no sex, but occasionally. He only lived with her 2 months then moved out. we continuedto see each other,no committment tho. he has never said he loves me, in fact, says he has ahard time telling any woman that. oh, i should also mention he has had sex with at least 2 other women that i know of during this yr. i am so confused. after he moved out from his ex, we started seeing each other daily again. i tried not to cuz i felt he would feel smothered, pressured. but if i didn’t call him, he called me. now 2 1/2 mo later he suddenly was with another woman, i’m assuming here, cuz he stopped taking my calls one day for no apparent reason and texted me, enjoy your time away, don’t be upset, we need this from time to time. i texted back that i understood, but wished he would go about it a better way.he never responded.its been a week and aside from 3 one sentence business texts, wehave not communicated. i don’t know why i still want him i my life. but i have feelings for him. it hurts to think of him with his arms around someone else. i want to tell him how i feel, afraid, rejected, sad, hurt, angry, confused, unvalued, but i don’t know how without driving him away further. i am SO ready for an intimate, committed, relationship. i just jump too fast, putting my hopes and assumptions of afuture onto the man i date and i kjnow thats wrong. how do i stop that? and what do i do/say to this man who is afraid of committment and i don’t want to make things worse? Help!!!!



  114.  #114Rori Raye on August 19, 2010 at 11:57 pm

    Lisa, Welcome, and I want to hug you…you’ve answered your own questions over and over in your heartfelt comment. If what you really want is an intimate, committed relationship, then you must cut off contact with any man who isn’t giving that to you. Simple. No matter WHAT you feel. Feel what you feel – it’s glorious – but don’t let anything RUN you except your decisions to do what feels GOOD to you and which serves you – and you DO know what those things are and what they aren’t. Love, Rori



  115.  #115Ashley on October 15, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    Mercedes

    It sounds like your story is pretty close to what I’m dealing with right now, and I want the same things you do/did. Any way we can talk off the message boards? I could use a little support getting over this hump… and today’s been a very sad day =(



  116.  #116Luzy on October 19, 2010 at 4:37 am

    Here is my speech I know I may not hear from him again and that this I may have sound silly. I took his number from my cell so the only way to tell him was by email. I think I leaned forward, but I knew I was taking a risk. I am not to invested on this guy how ever I really liked him…

    “I miss talking to you and I miss you…I did not let you explain what happened I just made my own assumptions and pushed things away and said things I did not mean. I got scared.

    I just want you to talk to me when you cannot make it to see me, I just want you to tell me to give you space when you need space. I don’t want you to be nice to me because you think I may get hurt; tell me the truth. All I want is honesty from you. I don’t want to change who you are or what you do.

    Call me if you miss me some time.”

    Now I am not going to say anything else to him, I am trying to CD but it is difficult since I can only meet most people online. I get 5 emails in one day and usually end up with one date in a month.



  117.  #117Luzy on October 19, 2010 at 5:32 am

    He is a people pleaser and cannot say no. Sometimes he schedule dates when he knows he cannot make it and get all stressed out when he has not time. He works a lot and is a single father I know time is limited. I never demanded anything from him, but when he gets caught up he doesn’t call to cancel and then call in a few days when things seem to cool off and pretend nothing happened. I got mad last time and said many things and did not let him say anything (well he most likely weren’t anyway). Some times people meet in a bad time. Who knows?



  118.  #118Heather on November 6, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    Hi Rori,
    My relationship is very similar to Nancy’s, except he is 48 and I am 32. My boyfriend is divorced and has been hurt many times. We have been together for 2 years. He knows I want marriage and possibly a baby. He says he does not want those things, but he seems to keep hoping one day he will magically want all of that. He says he wants the relationship to move forward, but he likes living alone. He says he has different parts of himself. One part does want to plant emotional roots, but he can’t hear it really. The loud parts of him say, “I may want to up and leave one day”, or, “I like living alone and having very little responsibility.” I am considering trying the e-book and siren program through the winter, and if nothing changes, giving the same speech Nancy gave. I would say I won’t sleep with anyone else, but need to date other men, etc… He won’t like it, and he does a lot for me, I don’t want to hurt him. But I know I can’t stay in a dead end relationship through my entire 30’s! I love him and could see myself spending my life with him. When I open my heart I feel “in love” with him, but most the time I am guarded because in the back of my mind I always am aware of the lack of comittment. I could go on about the details but again they are similar to Nancy’s story.
    The thing is, even if I do decide to CD, this is a small town. There’s plenty of people I don’t know, but many people know we are together. I know I emit the “taken” vibe. How do I shift that? I teach a few yoga classes and can’t date students anyway, and I work from home! I’m not out a lot meeting new people, and I don’t even know how to do that.
    I would love any help I can get, but please I don’t want a lot of random comments about my post, just real and mature advice.
    Thank you,
    Heather



  119.  #119kofybean on December 6, 2010 at 5:41 pm

    This stuff is hilarious!!!

    50% divorce rate.
    65% of divorces initiated by women

    The same ones that pressure a guy to get married same ones that wonder why he isn’t “into” the marriage.

    Then they come back to sites like this and complain about how their husband isn’t working hard on the marriage (something he didn’t want to begin with)

    Its like your brain doesn’t work. Ya know, there are BASIC IQ test with “cause and effect” scenarios. Why can’t ya’ll figure this out?

    My favorite: “He KNOWS he can’t expect LOYALTY (as in “exclusivity”) if he hasn’t committed to you.”

    Ya know what, you’re right.



  120.  #120Annie on December 12, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    I know on a gut instinct that we know it’s horse crap.
    I get what you are saying about the subconscious threat about if you have coffee with another man that you will be off his list.

    What about if it’s the other way round where he is making excuses for holding back on showing emotion after sex saying he does love you but is scared to show you how much for fear that you will never want to let go.

    What’s that all about?

    Is the subconscious threat there saying if you ever get clingy I’m off?



  121.  #121Joy on December 20, 2010 at 5:39 am

    Hello Rori, i know it will work,d little am getting is workin 4 me.thanks love.i wil be ordering soon.am gainin my self-esteem back.am enjoyin leaning back.not overfunctioning.i now know my feelings comes first not his.n is working



  122.  #122ShortLittleLady on December 20, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Nancy, I feel the pain of what you wrote and I wish you the best of luck!!



  123.  #123Learning on January 17, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    Thanks for all the help everyone! Your comments have all helped me tremendously!

    I was trying to figure out how to say “I want to see you more” and “I want you to want to see me more” without saying exactly that, so here’s what I did…

    It took a 30 minute phone call and a bit of joking and teasing on my part to get him to say he wanted to see me for drinks and conversation, so we got together. After the pleasantries were exchanged and I was feeling confident and relaxed (and took a HUGE deep breath), I said “You know, I’d really like to be able to tell you that I want to see you, but when I think about saying something like that, it makes me feel like I’m being pushy and I don’t like how that makes me feel. I would really enjoy hearing you say that you want to see me.”

    And he responded with “So you’re saying that you want me to be more honest with you and take the lead and just tell you when I want to see you?” and I responded with “yes, I would really feel better about everything if you were to do that for me” and he responded with “well, I can do that as that’s easy enough.”

    I was so scared to have this conversation and was incredibly pleased with the way it went. I was authentic and honest and open and told him how I felt and he was more than receptive and understanding! Thank you for the coaching on this point!

    Understanding how to communicate with men so they “get it” is actually amazingly easy! And it’s actually opened lines of communication between us that I never thought were possible! He told me later on in the evening that the more time he spends with me the more he wants to spend with me, so obviously, he felt safe enough to communicate his feelings too!

    Again, a million thanks to everyone for the advice and insight. I hope my comments will help someone else too!!

    p.s. The “leaning back” is priceless! When I understoond that leaning forward is seen as an aggressive move to a man, when I get the urge to lean forward to make a point in the conversation, I conciously try to remember to lean back. I still say what I was going to say, but with body language that’s non-threatening. It’s amazing how powerful such a subtle move is, but wow… the results were priceless! The first time I tried this, within just a few minutes, he was standing behind me and wanting to give me a hug! All because I was non-threatening when talking about something important to me!!



  124.  #124Rori Raye on January 18, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    Learning – BRAVA — I want to turn this into a post, thank you so much! Love, Rori



  125.  #125Val on February 13, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Rori
    I am totally letting my roommates listen to your stuff. I am in love with most of your ideas and LOVE the communication thing. This is a HUGE area for me, trying to reword things so that they are not accusatory. I need serious coaching on that. I am trying to practice as much as possible with all these little people who don’t matter. It is a SUPER challenge…OMG!!!! I have a VERY sharp toungue, so I am practicing the pause and trying to construct feeling messages on the fly….VERY CHALLENGING!!!!!



  126.  #126Kerry on March 12, 2011 at 1:15 am

    It is much better to only ever focus on those things you want not the things you don’t want. To make a speech with all those I don’t want’s is very disempowering and would put me off any way if I were a man. They are certainly not condusive to a good relationship either with your self or your partner and the relationship begins with yourself first but should not be so selfish as to discount your partners desires. Understanding self is vital to healthy relationships and is does help to write things down so that you can see what you’re working with, but then reassess and turn the words around so that you can change yourself to change your life and relationships. Sent with love for those ladies from soemone who has been happily married for 26 years and still is xxx



  127.  #127Pure on March 27, 2011 at 2:09 am

    Hi Rori,
    I am new to the blog and not sure if this is the correct spot for my situation. I have started dating a man over a year ago and previous to that we had been great friends, but hadn’t seen eachother in years. He initiated all the moves and communication. All was well the trust, fun,caring and communication. He had been in a bad breakup prior to me so had some hesitancy with committing after 3 months of us dating. I let him go and he came straight back after a few days. I ensured I took things slowly all went really well. He sent me amazing messages and opened his heart to me. A few family circumstances came up for me and put some strain on our relationship and he got unwell. He started to withdraw and I had become quite emotional and he asked for some space for month. I said I was upset but honoured what he asked for ,even though it was painful. In between this time I didn’t have your ebook or dvd’s but wish I did !!!. So I made contact with him after this time and said would love to catch up. kept it casual, he called straight away and it was a positive conversation he wanted to tell me everything and asked to see me on the weekend, I said yes than I cut the conversation short . He called me on the night and said he wasn’t feeling well and would have to postpone until next week for another night..i said I felt upset as was really looking forward to seeing him and it had been a while. He seemed a little annoyed because he said sorry i just don’t feel well but want to see you too. I said ok but was upset but decided to go out. He had called me not long after, I had missed his call as was out, than i called back and left message told him i was out and where I was. Than he turned up there unexpectedly I was so happy. He was being a little withdrawn and I think i was leaning forward but he gave me full atttention felt good. We started seeing eachother again but i didn’t feel i had chance to discuss the status of our relationship. All was going well I didn’t want to rock the boat and was in bliss with him. Than the worst thing happened a girl who i met through an aquaintance stopped me and started telling me how she really likes this guy and i probably would know who he was, than she said my mans name. I said I am seeing him, she was like oh no he told me he was single and she created a scene. I wasn’t sure what to do but felt I fell for it because than I felt angry towards him and I called and left him a message saying I hope we are being faithful to one another and could he call me. He text me and said please don’t leave messages like that. But I was feeling confronted and confused on what to do (this was prior to your tools). Than a couple of hours later this person rang me on the phone it was her and she said leave me and my friends alone and I said what are you talking about ? than he got on the phone and said what are you doing harrassing this girl. I said that’s not true what is she doing at your place get of her phone..I know I over reacted and shouldn’t have but couldn’t believe the trouble this girl was causing and the lies and that he seemed to believe what she said. Than we got in an argument and he hung up on me. I was in shock. Anyway I overfunctioned sent him messages saying can we please talk about this and rang a few times. He didn’t respond. I wanted to fix this so not best idea but went to his place a few days later, he was fuming asking me what was I doing there. I told him care about him and I love him and not to believe what was said, than he was on defense and said the girl has nothing to do with it, he is upset with my behaviour. I was so upset but surrended to the situation and said ok if you feel that way i can’t change it and walked away. I left it than, thought he would calm down than I was out for coffee with a male friend and he saw us and said hi to him and ignored me and looked at me angrily..I said hi to him and he stormed off. Than I probably did another boo, boo and rang him the next day and asked him why he ignored me and I didn’t like being treated like that, we have known each other for such a long time and he is being so mean. I started crying,he stayed on the phone with me for ages and listened to me but he was still mad..that was the last time I spoke to him and it has now been almost 4 weeks and he hasn’t called.. ( I got your tools ) Now what do I do? I feel I have really pushed him away and miss him so much and am pretty sure this girl is hanging around him (not completely sure) Help I would really love to remend our relationship, he is such an amazing man and I value what we share and want us to communicate and connect



  128.  #128Josie on April 7, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    Pure, I think that you need to let this one go – it doesnt sound like he is interested and spending your precious time thinking about it is not helping at all. I say cut all contact, use the tools, look after yourself, focus on making yourself feel and look good, and get out there and meet great guys who do want to compete to win your attention.

    Gooduck x



  129.  #129Lercomari on July 19, 2011 at 1:07 am

    I feel uncomfortable with this speech. It makes me feel conflicted…sexually exclusive with him, but that’s it? How? Why?
    When I’m telling him I’m dating other guys but only having sex with him, does that sound believable? When he hears this, will he hear that I’m just biding my time until I find someone better than him and bounce? Is this really how it’s done? I feel like I would feel angry at me if I told me this. I wish I had some clarification…or maybe I should read through the comments…hmm. :-/



  130.  #130Annie on August 3, 2011 at 4:03 am

    Hi Sirens wanted some help with my speech. Feel unsure if I if would be better to express more of my feelings or if keeping it short is best. And does it appear cold when what I am wanting is warm and open but strong on the inside not cold on the inside.
    Would feel so great to hear others perspectives.

    I no longer want to be involved with a man who is sharing his home or life with another woman.
    I no longer want to be involved with a man who doesn’t stay in contact with me.
    I no longer want to be involved with a man who has friendships with other women.
    I feel totally disinterested and bored with being someone’s on and off fling of the moment.
    I am done with the fling bit, been there done that. Feel time to learn from it and move on and not allow myself to be pulled backwards.
    I want to feel happy peaceful calm content and secure and being involved with someone who wants something different to me is not in my best interest and does not fit in with my life.
    I am responsible for the situations I put myself in and continue to be in so
    I love you but feel sure the words all you need is love are false as it takes more than saying you love someone to have a real loving adult happy relationship. So if what you want from me is to continue with pop in and out of my life as and when it suits and fling of the moment I will not be staying in contact.



  131.  #131Tori Taylor on August 8, 2011 at 11:36 pm

    You have encouraged & inspired me Rori ~
    Here is MY POWER SPEECH:

    You know, I FEEL uncomfortable & confused. My purpose for being in a relationship is because I’m looking for a permanent shared life together.

    I am looking for the “real deal”, but I feel afraid that I may be in a dead end relationship.

    You are absolutely entitled to take as much time as you need.

    However, I love myself and I have to pay attention to
    my own feelings and needs.

    I don’t want to put pressure on the relationship.
    I don’t want to attack you.
    I don’t want to put pressure on you.
    I don’t want to try to convince you of anything.
    I don’t want to chase you, rush you,
    or make you feel pushed or trapped.
    Most of all, I don’t want to be angry or resentful,
    and I don’t want to waste my time.

    You can’t have me all to yourself while you’re taking your time
    and making up your mind about us.
    I enjoy what we have together.
    I enjoy you very much.
    I do NOT want to break up.

    I will remain sexually exclusive with you
    while you’re making up your mind,
    IF that exclusivity is returned &
    you are not using me… but that’s all.

    Your comments, suggestions, & ideas are VERY welcomed!!!

    Thank you for the changes in my thinking, resulting in changed behavior, that you have helped to bring about!!!

    Even a counselor/coach needs a counselor/coach sometimes. : )

    Gratefully yours,
    T.T.



  132.  #132Katt on October 30, 2011 at 9:29 am

    I needed to read this today! Im off to date myself at the park and write down all my feelings and emotions before I become more of an emotional basket case!! Im taking BACK my life from this day forward no matter what happens!



  133.  #133Helen on December 9, 2011 at 9:18 am

    Dear Rori /Ladies,

    I’m concerned that you are so focussed on marriage as the ultimate goal. A lot of you will be setting yourself up for bitter disappointment. We women are socially programmed to believe that marriage is the pinnacle of achievement without actually sitting down and thinking about what our expectations of marriage are…. marriage can leave a woman feeling very unfulfilled, resentful, put-upon and disappointed. We have the wedding, feel exhilarated that we “got our man” but then what……. a few years down the line you might find that the “spark has gone” and realise that you have become nothing more than a glorified maid…. whilst holding down a full time job and for some juggling a family life. THINK VERY CAREFULLY about what it is you REALLY want – marriage in itself is NOT a goal – a fulfilling, mutually beneficial relationship should be what you are reaching for….. trust me, I know!



  134.  #134lu on January 22, 2012 at 5:34 am

    I have a question. Y would stay exclusive sexually while he makes up his mind? Because we r so programed to believe otherwise. Please help me understand this. Thanks yall



  135.  #135Epiphany on February 2, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Hi Ladies,

    Quick question..Is it normal for your guy to get mad when you give your speech and totally withdraw altogether and say “I’m good with just friends then” when I didn’t ask that question in my speech??

    After 4 years, I’m okay with whatever way this turns out but the one time I set boundaries and give my speech, all of a sudden I’m the bad person and that’s it…

    I’ve been working so hard with Rori’s commitment blueprint and had seen signs of things turning around but now…..Wow, totally opposite direction.

    Is this the normal reaction or is it just another case of future faking and taking the easy way out?

    Just curious if anyone has gotten a similar reaction.



  136.  #136Femininewoman on February 2, 2012 at 8:49 am

    Ephiphany even if it is or isn’t normal, this to me is him grumbling. Unless you want a puppet on string you should give him the room to have his own thoughts and feelings around the matter. Allow him space to think things through for himself and come to his own conclusion about what he wants in his life. If he said friends then I would step away from him. If it is the first time you are setting boundaries I would imagine that it would feel uncomfortable to him to the point of possibly feeling startled. He will need to deal with his anger but I believe he will come around.



  137.  #137Epiphany on February 2, 2012 at 9:02 am

    Thanks FW..

    I can understand being startled, because I was with his conclusion..lol

    I just don’t understand that, that’s what he got out of it..

    Yes, I’m good at giving space and he can have all the time he needs to draw his own conclusions…

    And I feel good about that…..



  138.  #138Rosalietrue on May 25, 2012 at 4:22 am

    Hi Rory,

    Can you please clear something up for me? After following your Targeting Mr Righ program I’m still confused by what appears to be conflicting advice but is probably just my interpretation.
    I’ve written to you a few times as Angela about this situaton. I wasn’t sure whether to cut this man off because after we started as lovers he then said he wanted to be friends when he realised I was still circular dating.

    Some advice I have read says to practise with whatever man is in your life but other advice is to cut him off. “If what you really want is an intimate, committed relationship, then you must cut off contact with any man who isn’t giving that to you”.

    some is to attempt to ‘bring him back’ because it’s not too late, but then other advice say if ‘he says he wants to be friends, run’.

    Anyway, I didn’t like his proposal to be friends (with benfits if the mood took us) but I thought I could practise tools, e.g. leaning back, remaining warm and open, expressing my feelings. I then found it too difficult so told him I couldn’t be friends several times. However, each time I relented after he continued to call and complain that he really wanted to be my friend and would miss me.

    After agreeing, the las time, (and I know how foolish this looks) he has now stopped calling. The recent newsletter advised that ‘calling a men to tell him you’re upset because you havn’t heard from him’ was chasing after him. I agree but I wanted to express my feelings to him and tell him how I was frustrated and sad that I hadn’t seen him and how I missed him, how I didn’t want to push him away or make him feel pressure etc. I wanted to let him see my warmth in other words. But contrary to the magnetic affect this is meant to have on a man, I can sense that it’s scared him off even more.

    I know you’ll say it’s about my vibe but I just don’t know which road to take sometimes. I’m not feeling miserable about this as I have been getting stronger but I do find it conflicting to be warm and remain open and at the same time to lean back and even pull away altogether.

    Thanks for listening



  139.  #139Rori Raye on May 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Rosalietrue – forget about what other people say you should do – including me. What feels good to YOU?! Surely you can see by reading your own comment: 1. He wants only to be friends. Otherwise, he would have stepped up. 2. He’s acting like a “friend” – and you don’t like the way that looks 3. You’re trying to change the situation over which you have no control. He said what he wants – now it’s your job to accept that and move on. 4. You’re assuming he’s “scared.” But – how can you know that’s true?

    I don’t know what’s going on with him – but it DOESN’T MATTER! All that matters is he’s not with you, he’s not chasing you down, his in-action is making you feel like overcompensating and overfunctioning and chasing HIM down. The answer is Circular Dating and really committing to yourself in this process. Here’s #5: Does this sound like a woman who thinks highly of herself, or one who thinks she has to do all manner of things to attract and keep a man? Love, Rori



  140.  #140Rosalietrue on May 26, 2012 at 2:38 am

    Rori,

    How can you not be tired of hearing the same thing over from women. I knew when I was writing that letter how I sounded and how I had been giving my power to, let’s call him, Tom and not valuing myself.

    Last night I saw Tom out at a bar. I had prepared myself knowing he might be there and what I would do. I went on my own so I was feeling a little conspicuous and self-conscious and needed all of my confidence and self-assurance.

    I was nervous when I saw him and, as usual he was with women. I knew I didn’t want to approach him. He came over to me and was friendly and invited me over. I just didn’t want to do that and I didn’t want to have to make any effort at all with him. In truth, I sent the message that I didn’t want to be him which was how I felt at the time. I just wanted to have a good time and not feel the same old rejection which had already started to rear its ugly head because he told me he was out with two girls he’d met at the beach that day. I also thought, that I’d be bored standing there with him and his new friends!

    I ended up talking to another man all night who told me what a goddess I was and how he thinks if you don’t feel good around people then why hang around them. He says he sees male friends get hung up on girls because they are beautiful or whatever and then lose their self-esteem. He basically told me what you did and he’s only 25. I think his mother is a psychotherapist or something but anyway he paid me compliments all night saying how he was so sick of small talk with girls and how great I was to talk to.

    It was amazing, like the obvious was staring me in the face. Like he was such a contrast to the indifference I’ve been getting from Tom. I don’t pretend I don’t care about Tom but last night I felt like I cared about myself more. A part of me still feels like I was a bit rude but the alternative – pretending I don’t care he’s with an entourage of women, that I don’t care he’s not in touch and that we are not dating, trying to impress him – would have been worse.

    Thank you for replying so quickly. I was so surprised.

    Love Angela



  141.  #141rose on May 26, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Again like everyone else her I just want to say what you have introdruced is amazing, its scary how quickly you can turn around situtations by using your feelings by not blaming, its teaching you to feel comfortable with yourself for others to feel comfortable around you.

    Im having problems with my relationship right now, we have a long distant relationship and we have both completely different lives and stressful jobs. In the beginning everything was like the fairytale, we met he took me out on a date paid for everything, sent me roses the next day to my work, he got on with my family, he took me on another date where he took me on a ferry ride, a local attraction, shopping, meal, and finished of the day by watching the sun go down on top of a cathedral, that was just one day and i have a week of dates like that, he really did woo me and chase me. he even decided to revamp my business, painted it all inside, did the floor, painted the outside. to be honest i was a little taken back that he would do all this for me. he would always hint about getting married and wanting to take things futher like moving in with him, he is a true gentleman. at the moment though problems have hit, he has alot of problems with his parents, theyve split up and his dad has a drink problem, his job is so stressful, his life and job are threatened on a daily basis. he is also not very happy about the way im treated in my life, i have a big life changing decision to make with my family which i know he isnt happy with. all of a sudden he has withdrawn, he arranged to see me and cancelled last minute and even the time after that he is contemplating on cancelling again. now he is talking about how life will be in the future if we did live together, he says he loves me but he is wondering if it will all work out. he hasnt been himself for a while, i just feel very confused about the whole thing and how suddenly its changed. iv even been invited to his family gathering and his friends wedding which are coming up soon, weve been together for a year, we have had ups and downs but theyve been sorted out fairly quickly and problems genuinely occur when we are not together, when we are together its fine. i would really apreciate it if you could shed some light please, im really confused about what to do, i have tried using ‘speeches’ too. many thanks for everything that iv learnt from you so far.



  142.  #142Rori Raye on May 26, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    rose – it’s been a year, and now he knows he has to put his money where his mouth is – and he’s not up for it in some ways some times. Long distance sucks…until you can live where he lives long enough to make it work – it’s hard to imagine how it could work. Your job is to Circular Date at the level you’re comfortable, stay open and warm to him, and let him know that you don’t feel good waiting on him, that you understand the stress he’s under and don’t want to add to it…and ask him what he wants you to do to make it smoother. Look forward to the family events and try to stay calm, sane, easy-going and cool. I know it’s harder than I made it sound – and that’s what Circular Dating can help you with…and a spiritual and meditative practice, along with acting class and pole dancing class and every meetup group under the sun would be great for you. Love, Rori



  143.  #143Emma on July 1, 2012 at 11:47 am

    How do I make my speech when he’s avoiding me??

    I am in the process of starting again with my ex but he keeps pulling back. I said I couldn’t do this anymore and he went crazy and begging so I called him and said we needed to talk (cue speech!). It was 2am so he asked if we could talk the next day after he finished work instead. I agreed but the next day he had to work late and didn’t get in until 4am.

    Now he avoids me when I try to re-schedule the call. I texted him today saying ‘I’d still like to have that conversation with you, it’d be good if we could arrange a time to talk?’

    No reply. How do I do my speech when he won’t talk??

    I’m ready to make the speech and accept it if he won’t step up to making me happy but am I going to have to text him the speech instead?!



  144.  #144Rori Raye on July 1, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Emma – you’re trying to schedule a “talk” – and of course he (like any man) is going to run from that. Stop pursuing him!! A speech only works if you’re leaning back. And, yes – you can’t lean back if he isn’t leaning forward and “there.” – so work on THAT first. My guess is you’re leaning forward like crazy, and so he’s going backwards. Read everything you can here, start with my ebook, and use the Tools. Love, Rori



  145.  #145Tina B on March 18, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    I’ve been with a man for a year and three months. We have had a brilliant relationship. I met him through and friend, thought he was lovely but he was married and I was with someone else. We met a year and three months ago and he was married, I was single. We talked and he said he had strong feeling for me. I said I wouldn’t get involved whilst he was married and he left her 5 days later. She is an alcoholic and their marriage was unhappy, she was always drunk and I thinkninwas the catalyst to make him leave. It’s been a turbulent year with him going to court and sorting out access to his son who he now has 50% of the time. During all of this we have stuck together, I’ve been very supportive of him and he has leant on him a lot. His divorce came through in December and he said he felt a bit like oh is that it. He is currently living between his parents house and mine. His mother doesn’t like me at all and had made it clear she thinks he should be having time alone to get over his marriage break up. In December we had a row over the way his mother treats me and we split up for a few days but got back together and almost papered over the cracks.

    Since then things haven’t been the same but more recently we seemed closer again.

    I asked him to move in with me (to get him away from his mother and because I love him and want to be with him) he said he can’t as he doesn’t feel ready. We had a huge row two weekends ago as his family are all going on a trip but I’m the only one not invited which upset me. I explained this to him saying I felt disappointed that he could allow his mother to let that happen and for him not to stand up for me.

    Anyway after the row I asked him to move his things that he had at my house out and to go. He said I just need more time and I said we’ll you can have as much time as you like.

    I didn’t hear a thing until the following Thursday (from Saturday) when I get an email saying that he couldn’t believe what had happened and he felt in the cold light of day he can’t commit to me, he felt we were having little spats for a reason. He said he was sorry for not being more honest about not being able to commit and for the way he has dealt with his mother. He said is I wanted to talk we could but he had just wanted to send me the email.

    I text him and we agreed to meet tomorrow (Tuesday) as we both had our children this weekend. However on Saturday night he put a link to a song on twitter which was about a break up so I text him and said is there any point meetingas I took it the song was aimed at me. He said not at all but his feelings had changed, he didn’t know why as they were so deep for me. He felt his head as all over and he felt he’d gone from one relationship to another and now needs space. He said I can’t ask you for time as that is selfish on his behalf and he doesn’t want to give me false hope.

    I feel gobsmacked as this man loved me, I know he did.

    He then came over on Sunday morning with his son so the children could see each other as we don’t want them getting suspicious and he kept cuddling me, saying I was beautiful, he loved me, he hoped we could work it out and wanted to tell me that it will all be ok but he can’t.

    I am so confused. He isn’t a bastard, he is a sensitive, honest man.

    What do I do? Please please help me before I meet him tomorrow, I don’t want to cock it up. Do I do a power speech saying I will give you as much time as you need, I love you and don’t want to break up. I will wait but I will be sexually exclusive and that is it.

    Please point me in the right direction.



  146.  #146Tina B on March 18, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Oh and it was him who suggested we meet tomorrow – not me xxx



  147.  #147Rori Raye on March 19, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Tina, Welcome – and the answer, for me, is simple. It sounds like what he wants is to be friends with you, with benefits. And THAT will not work for you. However, you can DATE him. Dating is just that. He takes you out on dates (you don’t just sit around the house watching TV and having sex), just like he would ANY woman. And both of you date others. You Circular Date big time. You start doing it deliberately, NOW, online dating, mixers, speed dating, getting fixed up by friends, coffee dates with men you meet at classes – ALL of it. AND, you date him, too. You can also sleep with him (and make it good and fun, without any resentment) and do what you want with the other men.

    It’s like starting from SCRATCH. Make it a clean slate. Smile. Start over. Expect this to go on for a LONG time – so if you meet another man you want to give a try and sleep with – stop sleeping with this man, or sleep with them both. You have LOTS of options. The only option you don’t have is making this man DO or FEEL anything. The more fun you have in your life, the more interesting you make it, fill it with interesting, fun things – the more interested this man (and all men) will be in you. Love, Rori