Is Age Difference All That Important In A Relationship?

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how to attract menHere’s a quick, specific question with a bigger, wider answer:

“Hello Rori: in your research or encounter, what do you find is the major drawback in relationship with a male much younger than the female? Does the relationship survive or is it a huge barrier to love?”

My Answer:

Age difference – no matter how wide – is no different than any other difference (no matter how wide).

If you both want the same things and have the same values and are somewhat close to the same emotional maturity and investment in the relationship – all is fine.

If you don’t – things are hard and sometimes impossible.

If he wants children, and you’re past that age – that might be the end of the relationship for long-term OR it could be a road to adoption – just like in a marriage.

If he wants children and you don’t want children – then, end of story.

BUT it might be FABULOUS for the short term!

If he has a different faith, or different politics, or different education, or different color, or different beliefs about anything, or different mental health level, or different physical health level, or different emotional or spiritual level, or different background and family, or different culture and traditions, or different sexual interest levels, or way different general life interests so you don’t spend much time together – it all depends on how well you mesh together and embrace your differences.

If they’re a constant source of argument and distress – it won’t work.

Love, Rori

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633 Comments

  1.  #1Iamabutterfly on November 28, 2012 at 9:47 am

    top of the world! 🙂



  2.  #2Iamabutterfly on November 28, 2012 at 9:51 am

    I love this post. and I LOVE younger men. I feel like they don’t care about my immaturity as much.

    I totally feel their respect for my life experience. I can tell that they really like how I’m more secure in myself (sometimes, oops) than younger girls.

    I tend to know a little bit more about men than the younger gals, in their early twenties.



  3.  #3Silver Moonbeam on November 28, 2012 at 9:57 am

    I don’t mind youngER but not young!! As in younger than my kids, but that’s me personally.

    I know somebody with a man who was MUCH younger than her, they were together for a number of years until he decided he wanted children and she was past that age, so he left.

    Then again another lady I know has been with her man since she was in her 50’s and he is 20 years younger than her, she is now 70 and he is 50 and they are still very happy together.



  4.  #4MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 10:01 am

    The importance of anything is measured entirely in the amount of importance I give to it, and the nature of that importance.

    This belief is really sinking in.



  5.  #5MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 10:09 am

    I feel compelled to stay here tonight.

    It’s a body feeling.

    Saying “do not go home tonight.”.

    I feel very warm and lovely to stay over. I finally have tears over this because I know now is not a time to shut him out and surround myself with space. Now is a time to welcome him. I feel very human right now. I feel immense love, it feels too big to fit inside of me. I can expand.



  6.  #6Iamabutterfly on November 28, 2012 at 10:15 am

    I will honestly feel okay if he moves closer to me, or moves farther away.

    I want him to move closer.
    I don’t want him to move farther away.

    but I know, without a doubt, that I will be okay either way.

    and I think that’s the first time I’ve ever felt that way about anyone.

    It feels strange.
    and amazing.



  7.  #7MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 10:19 am

    Everything looks like a mirror right now. Reflecting my own image back to me. I am examining my heart for blame and it does not exist. Then I create blame and that feels weary. Tired. I envision myself falling down into a pile of soft feathers and just being still. Looking up and the pooft of fluff I stirred up. Floating there like all the matter in the universe and equally as unimportant.

    Nothing in this world is an affront to me.



  8.  #8Iamabutterfly on November 28, 2012 at 10:24 am

    I feel teary.

    I just heard a song & it reminded me of the guy who I loved so deeply it was like we were the same person.

    I miss him.

    I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing him.
    or stop feeling that ache, whenever I remember him.

    I just won’t intentionally think about him anymore.

    but when the thoughts and feelings of the past come, I’ll accept them.

    and I’ll thank him. for trying to love me, even though I wouldn’t let him. and for teaching me so much.

    about the kind of love that is worth waiting for…



  9.  #9Iamabutterfly on November 28, 2012 at 10:25 am

    there have been very few guys in my life, who I have wanted/NEEDED to dress up for, to look my absolute best for.

    to feel that worship for, that adoration for…

    I can dress up for myself, it’s true, and it feels good.

    but nothing feels quite the same as dressing up specifically for him…



  10.  #10Iamabutterfly on November 28, 2012 at 11:06 am

    I don’t understand how I could be so in love and just let it go so easily…he was FIGHTING for me, but my fear was SO STRONG, and my anger SO INTENSE, that I pushed him away for good.

    Please don’t make the same mistakes I did…



  11.  #11MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 11:17 am

    (((Iama)))

    It’s only a mistake not to learn from occurrences in life.



  12.  #12Starla on November 28, 2012 at 11:20 am

    I decided recently to start hiding my age. I’m almost 28, but I can pass for much younger (seriously, until the last year, people asked me what high school i graduated from when i said i had recently graduated). And I am also mature and established enough to pass for older.

    so i’m going to let it just be a mystery:)



  13.  #13Emoticon on November 28, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Funny enough Im watching the notebook right now, on the part where Ally’s parents forbid her from seeing Noah.



  14.  #14Calypso on November 28, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Wow – I have been in a meeting for 4 hours and in the middle fo that, JC finally texted:

    JC: hey beautiful – are you ready for a weekend in the mountains?

    I waited an hour to respond because of my meeting and it was hard to think of a FM)

    Me: “JC”, I’m sorry but I don’t feel good about going now.

    Keep in mind I have not heard a peep out of him in 5 days . . . )

    JC: Why?????

    Still in ameeting, i am trying to think of a FM and then I get another text

    JC: If I had known sooner I could have cancelled. You have cost me $600!!!

    So now I have to rethink my FM and I’m still in a meeting and immediately I get another one

    JC: Whatever . . .

    And so I stopped thinking of a FM and am just not going to respond. I will just be the bad guy and let it go without blaming him at all. I have a lot of excuses adn reasons and he played a part in it too, but the truth is, I am relieved and of course his anger or whatever he is feeling is not my responsibility. I would have felt better about having the discussion in person and if he had contacted me yesterday, i would have asked to see him last night to talk, but he didn’t and I didn’t either and so it is over and I can focus now on my own issues, which were choking our relationship anyway. Instead of saying, “Next!” like I usually do, I’m saying, “Me, Me, Me . . . “



  15.  #15Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 11:23 am

    ~ it all depends on how well you mesh together and embrace your differences. ~

    Yup! So true!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  16.  #16Smile on November 28, 2012 at 11:24 am

    I look so young but I want to attract an older guy. I agree with emotional maturity though.

    This post came to me at the right time setting my dating profile. I might feel open to experiment with younger guys.



  17.  #17Smile on November 28, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Tam from previous thread, aw yeh, you’ve inspired me to light the fire. It’s a beautiful fire place! Can’t wait to hang up the Xmas stockings! It feels aglow with the candles too.
    I feel all snuggly.



  18.  #18Starla on November 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

    calypso, what if you texted him ‘hey am busy at work. i am sorry if i should have said something earlier… i’m not feeling so good about the trip though. what do you think?”



  19.  #19Iamabutterfly on November 28, 2012 at 11:32 am

    @11 Miss Stix – thank you. true. but I feel like I haven’t learned quite yet…working on it! 🙂



  20.  #20Tam on November 28, 2012 at 11:42 am

    I still feel giggly and I feel bad for writing why….



  21.  #21BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 11:46 am

    I haven’t leaned forward and really asked for anything from N in a few weeks, I feel like this is not a good thing, like I should be asserting myself and asking him for things.. Humm



  22.  #22Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Rebekah: If you feel comfortable asking, what do you mean by asking him for things? Like to buy you things? Sorry…confused about leaning forward and asking for things.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  23.  #23Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 11:50 am

    I mean “if you feel comfortable ‘answering’. oops!



  24.  #24Calypso on November 28, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Starla – I don’t know – that feels a little like trying to put a band-aid back on after ripping it off. If he contacts me again, I might try to help him understand what has happened (without explaining myself if I can), but right now I think I just need to leave it alone. He is processing it however he is processing it. I feel fine leaving it alone.



  25.  #25BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 11:53 am

    I feel scared to ask for thing. Asking for things means being vulnerable and open to rejections. Being rejected feels cold and harsh and unloved. I don’t want to feel unloved. I love feeling scared. I can be powerful in my fears.

    Asking for things feels like a happy expecting, a newness and wonder at what’s to come, what could be. A feeling of worthiness, I deserve to receive.

    Being scared feels like pain in my whole body, a quick rush of terror, goose bumps on my arms. A little child. Fending for myself. Proving I can take care of myself.
    Goosebumps are wonderfully tingly and exciting. I love my feelings.



  26.  #26BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 11:56 am

    Like sometimes I wanna say” it would feel so wonderful if you came to bed with me more often” or “it would feel great to go out to eat tonight and be spoiled and not buy” or ” I feel like going and doing this, I would love it if you would come as well” etc…



  27.  #27BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 11:58 am

    I feel all sorts of fear around doing this, because when we are not so good (were not so good) he would just reply w oh yeah? Or ok I’ll be in in a min, and then never come or just ignore the request all the time, and I don’t want to feel ignored or rejected. I feel this fear needs to be released in order for me to be more myself and more authentic in my wants.



  28.  #28ruth on November 28, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    I woild just like to be spoken to
    All feelng mesages seem to have done is cut the contact
    🙁
    sorry for being so negative



  29.  #29Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    Rebekah: That makes sense. I thought you were talking about maybe buying you things or something…you’re referring to emotional needs that aren’t being met though (from what it sounds like). Yes, that potential for rejection can be overwhelming, huh?

    Can you voice those feelings – “it would feel great” – and let it go without expectations of what he will do with that? Can you maybe just express what would feel good and then focus on how proud you must be of overcoming your fears and stating your truth? I know I would be proud of you for that…I can imagine that, regardless of outcome, you could be proud of yourself for that as well. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  30.  #30BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    29- I feel so odd reading this, I receive it as a challenge. I feel fear and a wave gripping me.. I feel tears coming and then leave as soon as I’m done reading..
    I want to do this so much, but I’m getting rapped up in expectations for sure..
    I wan to do this, this would feel so freeing, and snuggly.



  31.  #31BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    And yes emotional needs for sure. Rejection has been the root of my problems for as long as I can remember, idk where I picked it up but it has been instilled in my from a young age. In part I feel it was my mom and on the other hand my sister. I wish I could feel free of this!



  32.  #32Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Awww Rebekah…I didn’t really mean it as a challenge. I was simply wondering if you have it in you right now to say your truth and feel good about that part without the outcome expectation. 🙁 Sorry for the tears…

    Releasing expectations has become a really important part of my life and I love to share it and read about it (Dominique has written so much truth on this).

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  33.  #33BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    Oh no, not a bad challenge. Just a challenge:) tears I feel is more self pity, not wanting to be vulnerable. I feel a need to have my expectations about this, met! In my mind its a no brainer, how can you not want to come to bed w ur gf? Am I soo unwanted so not important and accessible that I’m an after though? Ha soo many triggers about just this simple thing.



  34.  #34BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    And mostly because it happened every night when we were first starting out and now it’s pretty non existent:( going to bed together anyways.



  35.  #35Sirenity on November 28, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Ruth, Been thinking about you .
    I AGREE that feeling messages may be a two edged sword. If a couple has never expressed emotion , the one who starts probably needs to start gently.

    …working up to the big stuff

    AND guarding against frustration causing overspillage. The point of feeling messages is communication and it must feel terrible if that shuts down in response. Also some people seem to just FM a heap of negative , painful blahhh over a man ..FMs need to be chosen carefully. They are not meant to be a form of emotional diarrhea!!

    I am sure you know this and I dont mean to imply you did that.

    I have noted some examples here recently when the FMs needed fine tuning.

    Just keep practicing on the little stuff first.



  36.  #36Smile on November 28, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    I feel so frustrated that match makes you write about certain things and only gives you a certain space for each one.
    I feel restricted. I don’t want to write 250 characters about my favourite book when I have other more important stuff to say!



  37.  #37Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    Rebekah: Letting go of those expectations is hard and I think takes a lot of practice. In my experience though, the truer we stay to our feelings and the more we state them when necessary, the closer our men come to us.

    I guess the important thing for me is the feelings I’m going through and not so much the outcome of stating those feelings. Does that make sense?

    “It would feel so good if you would come to bed with me tonight. I miss the way we used to be.”

    The expectation is nothing.

    The desire doesn’t go away…you will still want him to go to bed with you, but you won’t be expecting it.

    If he comes to bed with you, you process through those feelings with him. The good feelings of happiness and comfort and security and whatever else is going on inside of you. You let him know how amazing it feels to do that again.

    If you go to bed alone, you process through those feelings as well. You process them alone so that you can speak them again when you feel as though you’ve really felt them and let them sink in.

    I don’t know if any of that helps or makes sense, but letting go of expectations doesn’t necessarily mean letting go of your DESIRED outcome…it just means not thinking “I want this but I’m going to be disappointed yet again if I ask.”

    ugh! Another one of those days when I’m struggling with my words. I feel like I’m just rambling on and on and on here and not really saying anything. LOL!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  38.  #38BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    This all makes a lot of sense. I’m confused tho, why am I sharing the bad feelings with him? I thought we were supposed to keep the. To our selfs? I feel I missed a step or something..
    Before I did say this feels so nice and I love falling asleep in your arms, he never really responds, but I wasn’t aware I should be telling him why it feels bad.



  39.  #39Smile on November 28, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    I feel creative



  40.  #40Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    I think it’s very good to say the bad stuff too…just in a non blaming way and make it all about you. That’s why I suggest you really process through those…really feel them…before you state them.

    I’m one of those people who really rarely uses feeling messages. I use them when I feel they are most important. Sometimes this is for an extraordinarily good time and sometimes it is when I’m really hurting. I use them when it is very important to me that J truly hears what I am saying and truly understands where I am at in that moment or with a particular situation. I remember one time I said “I feel so lonely” and boy did he stand up to attention! I didn’t blame him for making me feel that way, I just said how I feel and that situation has NEVER come up for us again.

    My relationship wasn’t always so good and easy. There were some very tough times and many times when I didn’t feel good about what was going on. The more I was able to communicate those times to J (after I had really processed through them), the closer he came to me and the less often I felt anything negative as it relates to our relationship until now, those feelings are gone. Also, all that practice of processing through my feelings alone helped me so I no longer had to do that and I was able to communicate to him, in the moment, how I was feeling.

    As I said, I don’t use the feeling messages NEAR as much as recommended here, but I have used them for both negative and positive feelings (and seriously combined them with leaning back and allowing what will be to be) and they have really, really brought J and I to a wonderful place.

    I really don’t recommend holding back negative emotions though. All of our feelings can be shared if it feels right to do so and if it isn’t in a blaming sort of way. (in my opinion)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  41.  #41BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Humm lots here to think about, off the top of my head tho it seems when I share my negative thoughts he sometimes takes it personally making me back track and stop sharing so I don’t hurt him.. I’ll have to stop thinking about his feelings, even tho it feels so mean to share bad feelings even if I don’t mean to blame..



  42.  #42Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Rebekah: I hear what you’re saying. I didn’t feel mean when I said “I feel so lonely”…I didn’t feel mean at all…I just felt lonely. He didn’t want me to feel lonely but he didn’t take it as me being mean.

    Sharing negative thoughts probably doesn’t touch a man’s heart so much, but sharing negative feelings will…even if not right away. In my experience.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  43.  #43Iamabutterfly on November 28, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    This BAB/Rebekah and Mercedes conversation feels so curious to me.

    Feeling messages work like magic with Jack CD.

    but I noticed that with SMC, he did kinda seem like he felt responsible for my bad feelings.

    but he was like butter on bread when I first started using positive feeling messages with him…

    He’s younger, so probably not quite as emotionally mature as Jack CD.

    wow.

    I need to use feeling messages more. They honestly used to scare me because of how powerful they are, but they are THE ultimate connectors to men.

    I love them!



  44.  #44Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Rebekah I recently experimented with what Mercedes suggested. I got promises that it would be done but tadah…….he never followed through.

    How did I feel? It was over a 3 day period. I believe he wanted me to say “now” because he expressed surprise when I didn’t. I went through dread the when the promised day arrived and I didn’t hear anything. But then I moved through it and did something else. I woke up the next morning feeling good about myself. The whole day out of nowhere a shift took place internal and all that kept coming from deep inside was “I am a good catch”. It felt so solid and confident I walked with my head high all day just knowing this fact. The same day I got a few calls from cds including a contact from one on a dating site with the new username “Iamagoodcatch”. Synchronicity? Maybe but today I still feel proud of myself and like a belief has shifted. I feel more sure of myself and like I can truly share my needs and feelings just for putting them out there. I told him what would make me happy and though he promised he chose not to. I can’t do anything about it but at least I know that I can share myself and accept no. Also practice dropping the expectations. Also practice thinking “his loss”. I feel deep in my bones that one day he will see me while in a fantastic relationship and feel regret and loss.



  45.  #45Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    I have all the power in the world to be his “one that got away”. 🙂

    That’s what your post made me think of FW…particularly when you said “his loss”.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  46.  #46MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    I feel so groggy after falling asleep unintentionally. I had vivid dreams again. This time they were nonsensical. Taking place in G’s house but it didn’t look like his house at all though it had all his stuff in it and my stuff.

    The dreams just felt rushed and panicked and dark and desperate and I kept looking at the time and I was late for work, but I kept saying in my head “but you’re not looking at real clocks! Then I had a waking dream of waking up in G’s bed and lookong at my phone and it was STILL 3:33. (3 mins after i’m supposed to start. The desperate panic feeling was intense. That’s when I woke for real, picked up my phone, it was 1:00, and I had a simple text waiting for me: “how are you?”.

    So I wrote “I feel groggy after falling asleep by accident.”



  47.  #47Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Funny enough he responds well and opens up with FMs.



  48.  #48Starla on November 28, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    i am so blessed. when i need something, even something extraordinary, i just ask, and i get it:)



  49.  #49MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Vivid lucid dreams, and now waking dreams. The feelings linger for hours past these dreams, for me. I feel all creepy crawly gross and groggy. A little topsy turvey and dizzy.



  50.  #50Smile on November 28, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    My dating profile is awaiting moderation!!!! Eeek!
    I feel nervous excitement in my tummy!



  51.  #51MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    After I described the horse dream to G he said “I want to dream like you!”

    I dunno about that. It can feel incredible, or it can feel sickening.

    I named vision horse. 🙂 He is named Majesty.



  52.  #52Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 1:38 pm


  53.  #53Radlove on November 28, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    15 years plus or minus works for me. But I prefer younger. 😉



  54.  #54MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    Oh man, the tears are with me today, that’s for sure!!

    I feel very excited to go to work today, and give TLC to those in need!



  55.  #55MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    FW

    More tears. I feel a bit timid to click that link. I just had a realization the the man has been opening up to me in a very real way in the past couple weeks and I just haven’t been listening.

    “What would I do without you?”

    “aww thanks baby!”

    “no really…You are the only person I have…”

    So many tears right now.



  56.  #56Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    ((((((((((MissStix)))))))))))))



  57.  #57Starla on November 28, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    missstix i feel so curious what you do for work!!



  58.  #58sunlight on November 28, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    Right now I am feeling the surprise and emotional adventure of being with a man who is very much like me after years with someone I loved but who was very different from me in almost every respect.



  59.  #59Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    Whole Body Listening

    The challenge is to grow in our ability to recognize our automatic listenings. We are not trying to rid ourselves of automatic listenings, they are a natural part of the human condition. When we realize we are listening through a filter or an automatic pattern, we then have the opportunity to listen more consciously.

    Gay & Katie Hendricks



  60.  #60MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Well that video was cute and full of laughter! 🙂

    FW 59

    Perfect! I am terrible for automatic listening! Must be growing up with a chitty chatty mom…My responses are on auto pilot a lot of the time. As you can see in my above example. He was not paying me a compliment, I can see that now. He was expressing something much deeper. I am aware now.



  61.  #61Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    DATING PRINCIPLE #1: Men and women are
    different

    DATING PRINCIPLE #1 APPLIED: Men and women are
    different.

    A lot of women think of men as being like inarticulate, less-emotional, more sex-driven versions of themselves. They hold men up to the same standards that they use on other WOMEN… and of course, from such a biased perspective, the men are often found LACKING.

    Mirabelle Summers
    MeetYourSweet.com



  62.  #62MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    Starla

    I’m a Personal Care Aide in an elder care home.



  63.  #63Radlove on November 28, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    Hi Calypso,

    Thinking about you. Congratulations on your son becoming a marine!!! What an accomplishment (I understand he hasn’t quite graduated yet). I feel a lil bad for JC putting out $600 on the trip. Yet I know the feeling of going away and being alone with someone for whom you just don’t feel anything.



  64.  #64Goodheart on November 28, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    My bf is younger, but it doesn’t feel that way. We are close together in all the important areas so the age difference seems trivial.

    It actually made it easier in the beginning because I just looked at it as a fun thing & had no expectations of it becoming a relationship. Funny how that works.

    I was just hoping for an easy, flirty conversation & a really good kiss at the end of the night 🙂

    I got both.



  65.  #65Starla on November 28, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    awww cute job, missstix!



  66.  #66Starla on November 28, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    i’m a data analyst in the tech market. not as cute 😀



  67.  #67MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Starla

    LOL

    Picturing you analyzing that data…

    Totally cute!! 😀



  68.  #68MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    No matter how i’m feeling, before I go into work I visualize myself throwing the doors wide open with fresh air and sunlight behind me, and a smile on my face. Even when we are busy beyond belief and sweating our butts off I keep that in the front of my mind. I love my approach to my work 🙂 It feels good for the soul.



  69.  #69Linda on November 28, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Ladies… you know how we are all so open and honest on here with each other. We say our truths and they never get spoken to the person that need to hear them usually. (the men in our lives or our CD’s)

    I made a new commitment to myself when my last relationship ended. NEVER to be quiet or do or stay in something that did not feel good. It is easy to say but not so easy to do. Being honest, truthful and vunerable never feels good, so we couch our feelings in stuff, like flirting, avoid the subject etc.

    I some things on my heart all to tell my CD from Monday night. Every time I see he is online I get this sick pang that rolls over me. It feels bad to ignore it. So instead of lingering in a limbo maybe hoping for more relationship I shared my true feelings about the everything. It was not blamey or ultimatum it was just saying how I felt and what I hope for. I felt scared to send it but did. My fear tells me that I have more than casual feelings for this man and I would like an opportunity to explore that if there is mutual interest.

    I dont know how that lines up with all the tools but I did it because I can not pretend it is okay for him to talk about future things… trips, setting up our christmas trees… and not get to do those things. I dont want to not be on the same page. I did not close a door just told him what is the best for me. He can respond with no pressure. Then I will know how to proceed. walk away or stay to invest. I want so much to invest but not in a man who is not on the same page. No matter what the response, I feel better and true to me. This is how I am taking care of myself today. How would a man know what is important to you if you dont tell him. So I did (with lots of feeling messages) I have had mixed responses from men being honest like this but I have to say that I am my most important priority right now.

    You all say that you can not say the wrong thing to the right man… well we will see.



  70.  #70BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    44-43-42
    I have to wait and respond once m home, I need to read over this a few times I think!



  71.  #71Linda on November 28, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    My heart is wide open and unzippered… I just have to be a wise and speak my truth authentically.

    Shew !



  72.  #72Daria on November 28, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    Ok so I’m naming nice cd NannyCD since he works as a nanny.

    Here’s the thing I discovered that turns me off, the reason I thought he was feminine.

    Hell have these moments, maybe right after we shared intimate convo

    Where he’s quiet and introspective. Followed by a shiver and oh this feels so good. He says he’s having a full body orgasm.

    Well I noticed this is what turns me off. I feel abandoned and turned off… I mean Really hardcore turned off. Ew.

    I feel guilty to tell him.

    I feel excited I noticed so carefully so that I Csn tell him.

    He’s talking marriage, he’s talking moving in together, Florida NY brazil all that.

    When those moments happen, I’ve tried to shift away, do the clean out my purse tool,

    It’s like he suddenly ‘tunes out’ in the middle of something and it takes like 30 sec at least

    Last mite he was rubbing his foot and making many noises of how good it was, and I said I feel left out, I’m just a girl I want to be the one going oooh aaah. He jumped to rub my shoulders and thanked me for telling him.

    other men tube out and do stuff like thinking and planning in their heads I noticed. I feel disconnected and judgemental when they do, but thus feels way worse. Icky

    I like his attention otherwise I feel so cared for. But I don’t think I can handle a man tuning out like that to have his own pleasure… Regularly. I feel too turned off and abandoned …

    This is why I haven’t gotten attracted to him , and also he’s very slow moving physical stuff along. He may have issues there I dono.

    But this is the behavior that was turning me off.

    I feel like as if we’re having sex and all of a sudden a man pulls out, starts mastirbating and ooh ahhhing about how good it feels to touch himself. Ick. I feel totally forgotten and maybe unattractive in those moments.



  73.  #73Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    But because he doesn’t have that THIS IS IT feeling, he won’t move the relationship forward.

    He won’t commit.
    Here’s the really crazy part…
    He may become exclusive with you.
    He may even live with you.

    But he’ll know THE WHOLE TIME that it will never lead to “forever…”

    But he won’t tell you that unless you ASK.

    Carol Allen



  74.  #74Starbright on November 28, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Linda,

    You sound so good and so super sireny!!! It feels so fun to hear about you having three high quality men. And, that you are listening to your truth and risking and being open! Wow!

    Just wondering if you met all three men on-line? Also, were you doing things differently to magnetize three quality men at the same time? Just wondering if I can learn something that would help propel me forward.

    Thanks!

    Starbright



  75.  #75Daria on November 28, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    When he comes out of his ‘reverie,’ he shakes himself and says ‘ok’ as in ‘ok now where we’re we/was I’

    I feel guilty to get turned of by another human brings pleasure moments and the truth is I feel so icky.

    I even said an EW put loud after one, but I don’t think he caught it.



  76.  #76Daria on November 28, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    What do other ladies think?



  77.  #77Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    Daria it reminded me of a male friend who tend to do other similar things. It is not sex/romance related as we are office friends but he kinda carries on like that when he talks and is being playful. He admits that he is in his feminine side a lot. But he is a lot of fun to be around. As a matter of fact it feels arousing to me and really keeps my attention focussed on him.



  78.  #78Starla on November 28, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    i feel a little triggered about my dance instructor right now and the way she’s talking to me on fb about a song we’re dancing to.

    i think she feels triggered too! haha

    we’re not talking to each other in a triggered way, but i can feeeeel it.

    i feel proud of myself not to respond from a triggered place. to notice that i am triggered, and to set it aside to continue in our dialogue.



  79.  #79Starla on November 28, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    i’ve often felt like i was competing with a man for affection and care that he was giving to himself.

    in hindsight it seems pretty immature. like i’m scared of a man who takes care of himself as he needs to. or like i need more attention than is healthy

    this is actually a pretty dang masculine thing to do, no?

    i dunno

    still feeling confused!!



  80.  #80Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Come to think of it there is another guy who seems similar. It is like they like how they feel about themselves in my presence because I try to allow them to be themselves no matter how much of a *jackass* or *dork* they seem to be making of themselves. But we have fun together.



  81.  #81Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    “When he comes out of his ‘reverie,’ he shakes himself and says ‘ok’ as in ‘ok now where we’re we/was I’”

    They do this same thing. One will even hold his *crotch*



  82.  #82Jessie1000 on November 28, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Im 19 hours drive away from my Beau. Hes 10 years younger than me and he doesnt care at all…he thinks that Im more sexy cause im older than him…lol
    the world has changed! as long as you look good and keep in shape, who cares!
    kisses girls



  83.  #83Daria on November 28, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    Femininewoman – thanks, yeah maybe he’s doing as performance/funny thing.

    Unfortunately it turns me off so much, I can’t ‘hang’ with it . I mean EW literally came out my mouth without me even being ready to express.



  84.  #84Daria on November 28, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Starla – I judge mysef as ‘demanding’ for having those thoughts and feelings.

    I think it’s sometging to accept about myself.

    I like to be firmly girl. I don’t feel good when my man puts oats down.

    Then I say I’m controlling and if he doesn’t put them down there will be no connection? And I’ll never have a relationship. Sounds like BS to me.



  85.  #85Daria on November 28, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Thought ‘he ‘should’ be able to put oats down sometime’. I’m a controlling demanding woman for getting turned off by it.

    I’m not accepting. I’m judgemental.

    This is all bs.



  86.  #86Starla on November 28, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    i judge myself too for the same thing

    it does turn me off when a man talks about doing pamper-y things. or does them in front of me.



  87.  #87Daria on November 28, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    I feel like whining : ‘I wanna be the girl’

    Now in my imagination he’s saying ‘you’re always the girl, I wana have just these 30 second times’

    And I’m like ‘no that won’t work for me’

    I want to always be the girl even if I end up alone bec of it



  88.  #88Daria on November 28, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Starla – yup! I feel turned off hearing seeing him doing pampery things

    Feeling the guilt already now!

    Wow



  89.  #89Daria on November 28, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    When he talks about Not taking good care if self tho, I notice I feel sad and judgemental and often get triggered and tell him what to do. Or what people should do or something.

    Judging muself now. Thinking ‘he can’t win’

    Then ‘oh well just get me away from the ickyness’



  90.  #90Daria on November 28, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    Not ‘him’ but men.

    If they’re not doing it the way my did does I have an urge to correct/judge hmm.



  91.  #91Daria on November 28, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    If they do stiff my dad does it feels way easier for me to be tolerant



  92.  #92Starla on November 28, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    this is a tough one

    i do want to encourage my man to treat himself though
    hmmmmm



  93.  #93Starla on November 28, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    I remember Andrew would get “lost” in the music, maybe close his eyes, sway a little, really give himself over to the feelings music brought him

    and it TURNED ME OFF



  94.  #94Daria on November 28, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    I’m high maintenance and I need constant attention



  95.  #95Daria on November 28, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    In the moments he’s into himself, I feel abandoned, I feel lonely, he’s not into ‘me’



  96.  #96Daria on November 28, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    I feel post being told I can’t have what I want.
    That’s the whole point of wanting a masculine man, do I don’t have to deal w this icky stuff where I feel resentful to not be honored in my role



  97.  #97Starla on November 28, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    who on earth is saying to you that you can’t have what you want



  98.  #98Starla on November 28, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    In the moments he’s into himself, I feel abandoned, I feel lonely, he’s not into ‘me’

    this is a double standard
    but so is circular dating

    hmmmmmmmm

    i feel so confused
    i’m going home:)



  99.  #99FlowerChild77 on November 28, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    >>>”I remember Andrew would get “lost” in the music, maybe close his eyes, sway a little, really give himself over to the feelings music brought him.”<<<

    Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode that's on right now where Elaine's date 'stops' and shushes her and stares into space every time hears the song, "Deperado." (She asks if there can be a song for them, but he's not having it.)

    Don't mind me…just keeping myself entertained.



  100.  #100Daria on November 28, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    Starla – apparently a voice in my head I’m arguing with lol



  101.  #101Daria on November 28, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    I can’t really ‘hear other’ but I’m hearing my response/argument to it



  102.  #102Daria on November 28, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    *hear IT



  103.  #103Daria on November 28, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    Flowerchild – thank you, that example helps me



  104.  #104Lady K on November 28, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    I feel so excited but at the same time i. feel annoyed because i can’t stop thinking about it. Lastnight a couple friends and Jay came over.. well Jay and i were sitting on my couch and he was talking to our friends. I’m not too sure what they were talking about but out of nowhere Jay just says “But you know who I’m really starting to like? This girl right here!” And he grabbed me and kissed me in front if everyone. I felt so happy but i felt really shy at the same time. I feel frustrated because i haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I am focusing on myself though. We spent the whole night together. This all feels so exciting and no matter what happens it will still be an experience. Hugs to myself.



  105.  #105Goddess Lily on November 28, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    My work “dad is totally against online dating. Says it’s totally unnatural. I asked him what was so unnatural about it. His reasons did not make a bit of sense to me. He said I should go about my life as normal – go shopping, go to dinner, go to church, and the right man will show up. If he sees you already on a date with the wrong guy than you will miss out.

    So I said
    1. I don’t shop and if I did I would be in a women’s store.
    2. As many times as I’ve been to dinner, not once has a man shown up to talk to me.
    3. If perfect man chooses not to pursue me because he sees me on a date once, than i don’t want him anyway because what sense does that make? (I left out the part about not going to church because I didn’t have time for a lecture at the end of the work day)
    4. Wouldn’t a date with a guy I met out shopping have the same effect (nothing) as a date with a guy I met online on any other potentials?

    He said I was being hard headed but that’s how he met his wife. So I asked if his wife really dated NO ONE before him.

    Silly talk really but it stuck with me. Why do I let opinions that I don’t even agree with affect me? I felt judged but he had no real basis for judgment.



  106.  #106Goddess Lily on November 28, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    TravelCD called today. I gave him my number yesterday and we texted a bit before bed. But today he called, and I was completely caught off guard. I was in the middle of studying and I answered anyway. To start the convo off perfectly confusing he said “good morning” (it was 6pm at the time) and then I said “morning? at 6?” He said “well it’s the first time I’ve spoken to you this morning” And I kept thinking WTF?

    After a few minutes of chatting he asked me to call him tomorrow since I was studying. Then I panicked. Part of me thought – why tomorrow and not after I’m done studying? The other part thought, why do I have to call him? Should I call him? He asked but it’s early and I don’t want to set up a precedent of me chasing.

    Anyway, the words that I actually spoke came across just as confusing, first I said “ok” then I said “wait you call me” and he said “does it make a difference?” and then I said “yeah” and he said “why” and I don’t even really remember what I said after that. I just felt stupid. So we got off the phone awkwardly. Who knows what will happen tomorrow.



  107.  #107Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    Goddess Lily it sounds like you were totally in your logical brain and he responded why? To pull your logic apart. It seems so funny I feel giggly reading it. Sorry. Remember to stop what you are doing. He can always hold until you are able to gather yourself



  108.  #108Daria on November 28, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    What a strange life one of my brothers called from prison n he’s like I’m 18 month short. Just living along people dissapearing into jail and reappearing after years nothing’s changed people disappearing permanently into death and it feels exciting like its bout to get crackin again my brothers is contacting me and me I have so many lives Romanian life this street life home life meeting people life going to brazil life what what what

    I feel honored



  109.  #109Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    These days every time I hear the lyrics of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” I feel so triggered I want to scream at the writer don’t you see what you are subliminally programming into children’s subconscious.



  110.  #110Daria on November 28, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    I like talking to them in our lingo abd I still use some FMs most of the time now but it feels such a relief to say to them ‘nigga u trippin, didn’t I do that last time?’ or ‘I feel Mad brah’ emphasis on mad the way we do it in our group where we share some of the exPressions and ways of talking makes my heart feel at ease

    And then after I check him he says I sound sexy :). This one has liked me from the start. He says we don’t even have to have sex he just wants to eat me out haha he always says that

    Apparently he still has most of his previous chicks online as in in contact. He’s the one who once brought 3 girls together to an event.

    I feel excited, I feel eased I feel excited to still be part of the group I feel ‘worried’ about the importance of that to me. I feel pleased. I love myself! I accept this about myself.

    I feel scared being so open writing here. I feel scared people will be offended and I’ll feel not got abd punched in the chest and left out.

    I feel a desire to call my sister.

    I feel hot w fever in my forehead from the flu.



  111.  #111MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    I appreciate that the man takes care of himself and treats himself with masculine rituals. Speedy showers (unless we’re sharing 😉 ), shaving and beard trimming, eating well and lots, drinking lots of water. That’s about it haha He kneels down and gets me to clip the back of his hair for him which feels very feminine for me to do. When he plays or listens to music he dances like a dork and sings at me and pokes me and grabs me and shakes me and it drives me nutty but it turns me on at the same time 🙂 I do like being the girl. I like being grabbed and kissed or bitten on the neck or the belly. I like being put over his shoulder and tossed onto the bed. Ahhh yes. Love it all.



  112.  #112MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Toot toot my own horn…I have a great giggle so I get a lot of it.



  113.  #113Daria on November 28, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    Thoughts say I’m wasting time waiting on this love partner marriage thing and shoulda started having kids long ago



  114.  #114Daria on November 28, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    I like when a man takes care of himself too and I like when a man dresses well… Gets his hair twisted etc. but these pamper things ate more like ooooh ahhh moments of pleasure and that feels like a turn off to me.

    I wish I didn’t have to deal w this.

    I wana run away.

    At te same time , I miss the guy n wish he was coming to kick it again.



  115.  #115Daria on November 28, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Hmmm I fear this is one of those things we have to learn to love that Dominique n Rori talk about

    Unfortunately i can’t picture myself having sex w him n I think this plus the lack of sexual initiatiation thus far from him is why.

    He mentioned he knows it’s up to him to initiate sexual moments and he feels shy.

    I will see what happens.

    I won’t judge my feeling of turn off.!



  116.  #116BAB on November 28, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    I spoke hastally when he was being so sweet ti me and now im beating myself up for it. It was my truth but it came from a place of blame. his face and mood changed instantly and i could see he was taken aback and annoyed with me. I apologized for sounding mean, but that i just wanted to say it because i was feeling it. and he said its ok and that he was sorry i took his action that way, and i said the same. He went back to talking with me and we laughed and jokes and daydreamed together, but i felt the need to apologize again. so i did, maybe shouldnt have, but i feel a little better making sure he heard my apologies in a good mood rather then the annoyed mood. humm Im seeing how i really need to process my feelings better and stop just blurting them out. “what feels good for me, doesnt always feel good for the other person”



  117.  #117BAB on November 28, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    44-43-42. I wanna respond but iv waited too long and i feel like i cant get my mind back to that place so i can express what i was feeling earlier. My mind has moved on and im feeling and thinking so many new things.. lol ugh bad train of thought!
    However thank you for the response, i have been re-reading them and it has cast a lot of light on somethings! shewwww



  118.  #118Vi on November 28, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    On a bus I gave my seat to an elder gentleman and them I saw he was not that old now I judge my action as mothering and do not feel good about it. I love my not feeling good. Hm it does not feel authentic. I love my not feeling at ease about writing this phrase. Am I beating myself up now? Yes. I feel angry at me too I don’t know why. I love my cluelessness. Am I beating myself up for my cluesslessness? I am. I am sorry. I don’t want to be that way with me. Sigh. I feel warmer and more compassionate to myself.. feel sad now. I geel sad to notice I am trating men as I trested my dad which was mothering which was how mom treated him too. Now I feel excited to explore more that partner thing. And fum thing to!! I feel inspired now.



  119.  #119Vi on November 28, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    Hehe I notice now I feel good aboit my deed too 🙂



  120.  #120Linda on November 28, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    post 69 & 74…. The results of my email today? After telling my truth and taking care of myself today. I feel safe with me. That I will do what is absolutely the best thing for me first. I trust completely trust myself again. YEAH !

    After my vunerable self exposure and needs were expressed I fully expected that we would part ways. but…. that is not what has happened tonight his response was that he understood and felt a little confused becasue he saw that I had updated pictures in my profile since we met a month ago as well (which I did not know he noticed) and he said that this was definately something we need too talk about. He did not bail but responded with seeking to understand, express his experience and an offer to talk about it all.

    I thanked him and asked if we could talk about it face to face and not thru text or email? (I hate really important discussions that way because you dont hear voice inflection etc)…. his response, yes that would be his preference and a smiley face!

    OK what have I learned? Tell your truth, and dont expect that telling it will cause a guy to bail, which is what I expected. It may happen tomorrow but for today he is open to me and even continued to text me and wished me sweet dreams and a promise to call me tomorrow. WoW… this man really may be my keeper !

    Ladies I do feel like I have been thru an emotional ringer today but it was my stuff I was sifting thru and I had to do it for me and my emotional well being. Siren? I did not feel like one but growing times often feel so hard.

    —-

    Starbright. The quality of men seem to have changed when I changed my profile. I have not changed my tactic so to speak I have stopped looking for a man that fills my list but a man that makes me feel right and good with him. Being open and receiving what he brings and dropping expectations of them has been key. I am still holding true to who I am, what I want, and my needs….I am waiting for the one that will step up , can handle me and my truths and authenticity. but that requires me to be truthful and authentic and not let them catch my drift but speak to them in a non-blamey way. These are my recent revelations and baby steps. Loving me first, my vibe has seemed to change and attract men that I am actually interested in.

    PS… the one that wrote me this morning telling me good luck and writing me off… I wrote and told my truth today too… and tonight he text me after saying he was moving on to find someone else. HA… well who knows.. there stuff is not mine… mine is mine and I trust me again!



  121.  #121Tam on November 28, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    Well, as far as the story with MrP goes, I shall call him MrA for Arse hole from now on.
    He came, conquered and left basically without even letting me speak my piece.
    We had a lovely evening, then sex and after holding me for an hour gets up and dressed and I said ‘you are leaving?’ (very untypical, except last time he did the same), and he said ‘oh, I thought that was the plan as you had to get up early’ upon which I said ‘well no, I feel cheap now’ and told him that now I feel bad and like I will have to let him go.
    Beforehand we had talked about something, a guy coming onto me and he said ‘oh you can always tall him you have a boyfriend’ and the waved his hands hin the air saying ‘not me, of course, I am not your bf’…and I felt bad already then..
    As he left I told him that I feel bad having sex with anyone who is not my bf..and as he walked out he said ‘please don’t feel sad, stop feeling sad, it’s all good, you should sleep with people who aren’t your bf more often, it will relax you’…and that was when FINALLY my penny dropped and I just stood there in disbelief as he walked out without so much as a hug.

    I just breathed and sent him a text that under the circumstances we can’t be friends, that I am not a booty call and do not sleep with anyone who doesn’t want to be my bf, and that I feel crushed but wish him all the best with his plans.

    He had briefly mentioned boating beforehand but actually, I don’t care anymore. It feels like he has others on the go and if not he is way too self absorbed, I saw that this evening also…it was like everything was about him…everything.

    I am done. Finally.
    I feel like I imagined all the stuff that went on between us and even if I didn’t it seemed that today he anted to set the record straight. In his eyes I am not ‘good enough’ to be his girlfriend, just a booty call and friend to make him feel good.
    No more. Done.



  122.  #122Tam on November 28, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    I look forward to a single life without drama. My heart is closed until further notice.



  123.  #123Tereana on November 28, 2012 at 8:59 pm

    Oops, I’ve just been spamming on the last post – not realizing there was a new one up.

    Tam, there’s something back there for you!

    Goddess Lily – Thank you! 🙂 I laughed when I read that you were “all up in” my “novel.” Lol That’s great : )

    I actually am a writer, kind of. I write bunches of stuff all the time. And I just submitted a book proposal this week!!

    Here’s the crazy part – in between the episode where I confronted the end of my dating a new CD (that didn’t last very long), and it triggered a whole bunch of stuff and self-realizations and whatnot; and this latest thing with SYG, is when I submitted the proposal.

    Literally, the two events were like bookends. And I’ve barely had time or emotional space to feel excited about actually doing it. I hope to G-d the proposal was okay, because I’ve been operating on minimal sleep and very little food. I feel so emotionally wrecked right now that I was ready to go to bed at 8 p.m. It’s nine and I’m about to turn in.

    ‘night ladies!



  124.  #124ruth on November 28, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    Tam
    Bloody hell
    🙁

    I actually dont know what to say to that



  125.  #125ruth on November 28, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    A big hug for you tam



  126.  #126ruth on November 28, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    35 Sirenity
    Thank you
    “emotional diarrhoea” is probably how my guy is experiencing my FMs
    I never do things by halves
    That is a useful perspective, thankyou
    Maybe I will ust go back to feeling the things for a while and not saying so much
    I also struggle with expressing the negative FM because often the reason I feel sad IS related to the man



  127.  #127Smile on November 28, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    (((((((tam)))))))
    Much love



  128.  #128Smile on November 28, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    Morning Ruth 



  129.  #129Smile on November 28, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    Ooo I’ve been winked at a few times and been added to a guys favourite!
    No messages. Maybe I’ll wink back if I feel interested.



  130.  #130MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 10:48 pm

    (((((((((Tam))))))))))



  131.  #131ruth on November 28, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    Morning Smile
    I bet those winks feel nice to wake up to



  132.  #132MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    I feel sooooooooooo exhausted.

    And angry.

    They redistributed workload again. Which means I have 14 people to care for.

    KIDDING ME??????

    Rawr.

    I have the deepest, darkest urge to report them to OH&S. It’s ridiculous. To give an idea, imagine getting 14 people (4 fully dependant, in sling lifts and in wheelchairs, the rest with significant mobility problems) washed, and teeth brushed and ready for bed within about 2 hours. Either that, or i’m laying people down at 6-7 pm, which is ludicrous. My quality of care was way below acceptable because i’m completely run off my feet, and my stress level was through the roof. I have never had a workload this heavy in 8 years doing this. I’m going into management tomorrow.



  133.  #133ruth on November 28, 2012 at 11:05 pm

    Miss stix, i used to do your kind of work over twenty years ago.Thre were two of us for sixty residents at night.I so hoped things had changed, but it seems not
    🙁



  134.  #134MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    They can’t just say, hey, guess what? LPNs don’t give care anymore so now you have to take their residents on top of your own. Workload was heavy enough as it was. Heavy enough that my spine is f*cked at age 29.

    Pardon me i’m in full on rant here.

    My residents are suffering. We are all suffering. It’s dangerous for everybody. It’s only a matter of time before something bad happens. PFFFFFFFT.

    I could run this place better using only my a$$hole.



  135.  #135MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 11:10 pm

    Ruth

    😛

    Nope! And nightshift is no better. 1 care aide per floor, which amounts to…I guess 43 residents per aide. Although we don’t give care at night anymore. They are left to sleep unless someone is soaked through.



  136.  #136ruth on November 28, 2012 at 11:10 pm

    That is worth ranting about Miss stix



  137.  #137ruth on November 28, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    Fck, I am feeling so triggered reading this
    When I used to do night, the qualified nurse I was with would go to sleep after midnight
    I used to go and do changes on my own at 2am cos it just was not right to leave them soaking all night
    Messed up my back good and proper
    Its just not right!



  138.  #138MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 11:13 pm

    I got to work, and was informed. I thought, ok, I rock! I’m dam good at my job, and I can do this. Yeah…no. lol



  139.  #139ruth on November 28, 2012 at 11:15 pm

    Definitely a trip to management is called for
    Stat!

    Id better go and run or i will join you in ranting



  140.  #140MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 11:16 pm

    It’s not right ruth. Not at all! I need time to be gentle and tender. As you must know, rushing with this kind of work only makes it take even longer because people feel aggitated when they are rushed. 5 minutes extra per person, to be calming and soothing means the world. No. Not right.



  141.  #141MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 11:16 pm

    Happy running!



  142.  #142MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    Deeeeeep breath! In, and ouuuuut. Ok. I am home and I can’t bring my work home or i’ll be a case.



  143.  #143Sirenity on November 28, 2012 at 11:20 pm

    Tam ,

    Hugs and chin up..like you said ..he s a self absorbed guy doing what he is doing (in this case getting company and sex when HE wants without any sense of responsibility or commitment). He isnt bad, he is just doing what he is doing.

    To justify the time that you stayed loyal and all the invested feelings you made up the imaginary relationship to match. So many of us did that /are doing that. We stay available despite clear evidence that they are NOT invested in us, such as their total absence from our lives (except when it suits them).We hope for a miracle of love to ignite their hearts…Blaaaahhhhhh!!!!

    We feel so used when we give them our bodies because to us that is often our deepest love we are giving ..but then he says something devastating to us that makes it clear sex for him is oh -so -convenient “relaxation”. It is not the deep connection of heart of someone who loves us ..Blaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

    Can I tell you its possible to recover completely , move on and REALLY take Rori’s advice once you understand how it actually is just like she says.

    Avoid creating imaginary relationships.

    If he is not in front of you he doesnt exist.

    If he isnt there , seeing you regularly , with a future on the table , then CD for all you are worth!!

    I feel so sorry you had to have the mask ripped from your eyes like this , but its all clear now , and you can move on.



  144.  #144MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 11:29 pm

    I feel blessed that nothing went wrong.

    I feel blessed that I can still approach with a loving attitude.

    I feel blessed that I got these shifts. I will advocate for my residents. Believe it.



  145.  #145MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 11:33 pm

    I wrote a letter to the government last year. It killed! It was all “We are not in a factory, and we are not working with products. These are human beings…”

    But I felt scared to send it. I have changed since then and I can dig that up, or even re-write it.



  146.  #146MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 11:51 pm

    It feels difficult to let this go. It’s so rare that I feel dissatisfied with my work. When I do, it stirrs me up like nothing else. It boils right down to quality of care… If I don’t feel able to give my standard of care I feel amped up. I feel fantastic when I can work at about 10 steps above my standard. That level would be ideal to Eden care. I was running at minimum tonight. I feel sad and angry and irritated and guilty.



  147.  #147MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 12:05 am

    ok ok bringing it back to me. No sense stewing. There’s nothing I can do till tomorrow. Tomorrow I can be better prepared as I feel familiar with the new peeps now. I can voice my concerns. Right now I need to let it go.

    I feel hyper-focused and all hot and riled anf feisty. Rawr. I feel a throb in my right temple. My neck feels stiff and twingy. I touch my left shoulder. It is numb as always and it feels just slightly tingly when I scrape my nails over it. Shivers. I show some love to my discs. Love and healing and tenderness. And to my nerves. I love my degenerated discs and my pinched nerves and my numb shoulder. Streeeeeetch and elongate and tilt my chin down. That feels good but now I feel dizzy. Woah. Liquid brain. Doc wants me to take Cortizone. I had it once and that was enough injections into the base of my skull. Thanks. The sound of liquid rushing into your neck feels like watery mouth nausea and silent screams. It helped I guess…



  148.  #148MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 12:18 am

    I desire to go to bed and curl up to an ultra warm man. Feeling calmer now. Feeling edgy and calm. Crooked smiles. How can I be edgy and calm. Love to me. I feel strange. Love to my strangeness. I feel timid to fall asleep. What dream-world awaits me? mmmm I would love a perilous yet free and exhilarating dream. pls. thanks. Something otherworldly will do. I desire to write a fantasy novel set in anotherworld. Oh I bet I could build a killer world! I would give my world 2 moons. Maybe. I always envision this other world though. A vast and sparkling inky black ocean lapping pristine white sand. A blanket of glittering stars, cut across with a smear of glistening pinky purple and stamped with 2 bright white moons.

    I walk on that beach in my mind with the warm water frothing at my feet and a symphony of birds and animals unknown in the deep jungle beside me.

    Mmmmm I might just be ready for bed.



  149.  #149MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 12:20 am

    I could turn to mist in that ocean and become a part of the universe.

    If I hold this so vivid in my mind maybe I will dream about it.



  150.  #150ruth on November 29, 2012 at 1:01 am

    140
    Miss stix, i hope you are in bed now
    But just wanted to say that your post resonates with me so much
    I dont do direct nursing care any more(im now a doctor, as you know), but the same things apply just as much when you are rushing too many pstients through a clinic when they need to talk
    Yesterday for me was a good case in point
    It feels good to me to read of other people caring so much about their impact on other people,it feels good to me to know ther are people out there who do care
    We can only do the best we can, with love and gentlemess and integrity
    and Now ii feel all choked up and teary and overwhelmed
    Ugh, I cant cry at work
    xxxxxxx



  151.  #151ruth on November 29, 2012 at 1:03 am

    Sirenity, I love your posts
    Your Siren name suits them so well



  152.  #152Scarlet on November 29, 2012 at 2:01 am

    (((((((((((((Tam)))))))))))))



  153.  #153Sirenity on November 29, 2012 at 2:08 am

    Ha Thanks Ruth..I think of you as Ruthie..i love your hard nosed doctor – boy energy – problem solving – get it done attitude …balanced so beautifully by your caring and humour and your humanity..wow! (Not to mention your running!)

    As a doc myself i have come to see that stuffing emotions is taught to us in our training systematically so as to be able to function in our profession. But in my case it has very probably made me very SICK.

    I can express my emotions these days , but I feel sad a lot these days that I dont actually have anyone around who cares to listen to them. As you know, generally people expect us to support them emotionally and be strong. I need to move back where I have friends who actually see me as a person.

    I think I am burned out and some days I really dont give a horses A @@@ about half the problems that walk in my door , but i am a wonderful actress.

    I feel like an utter Siren when i sing and I am studying (welll practicing a lot) for a diploma in recital singing..its a great way to express emotionality. Also getting into my body in yoga helps me feel better.



  154.  #154Sirenity on November 29, 2012 at 2:10 am

    I havent found myself a good man who values all the masculine-feminine energy mix that is me.The one I thought “got” me saw me as a friend mostly it seemed , and I had to go through just what Tam has described.

    I totally understand that feeling Tam and others describe ..an indescribable mixture of loss, disillusion, shame, worthlessness and utter vulnerability that realising it is all “imaginary” .

    I think going through these things grows our feminine selves as long as we stay open.



  155.  #155Scarlet on November 29, 2012 at 2:11 am

    I am feeling so agitated with everything tonight. I feel angry. I feel used and neglected.

    Maybe something is shifting in me. I have been pining for this man who ignores me. But tonight I’ve realised that contact from him doesn’t mean I am not alone. A phone call is not going to fix that. I am alone. I am not in a relationship with him or anyone. I feel lonely and I just have to sit with that.

    It’s a full moon tonight. Maybe that’s why I feel so charged.



  156.  #156Sirenity on November 29, 2012 at 2:12 am

    I had a few tears today too..I dont know why .



  157.  #157Sirenity on November 29, 2012 at 2:13 am

    Thanks Scarlet, probably the moon energy!!!



  158.  #158Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 2:21 am

    I can’t sleep. I feel sooooooooo angry and weird and sad and frustrated and embarassed and hungry or thirsty maybe, but it would make me sick to eat right now, and I don’t want to go into the kitchen to get water at this odd hour where I live.

    Storytime.

    So, I’m walking towards the building which is surrounded by windows (I freaking love windows, but that’s besides the point) and the first person I see is SMC, who I haven’t seen since our little phone chat where i told him that I felt disappointed when I found out he had a gf, and told him that I was kind of trying to avoid him, and that I was kind of trying to keep our conversation short out of respect for his gf, and he said all that stuff about not feeling a need to be stand-offish, or whatever, and I just told him that I had felt weird ever since that particular conversation where I was offering condolences/seeing how he was doing and I told him that I felt weird because I felt like he was trying to keep me there talking to him…

    (and Mercedes, if you read this, you are such an angel for the pep talks you gave me, so I just want to say thanks!)

    anyway, so I’m walking towards this window building and he’s the first person I see, standing right by the door, talking to one of my favorite old man people.

    and he looks beautiful and happy and sweet.

    and what do I feel?

    I feel…okay, what is that emotion where you feel like you’ve been hit by a truck?

    is that shock? fear?

    I felt shock and fear and nervousness and embarassment all at once.

    Yep, that’s what I felt.

    so, naturally, what did I do?

    There was a set of four doors. They were standing near the second door, so I slipped into the fourth door, and luckily there were enough other people around where I think/notice/hope he didn’t notice me, and I practically ran to find an open seat in the big auditorium.

    …so that was that.

    which would have been okay, I guess.

    except I ended up talking with people for a really long time afterwards.

    so, then I walk back into now pretty much empty auditorium.

    and BOOM! he’s there, about a hundred yards away.

    standing up talking to one other guy standing up, and people sitting around.

    and I felt that shocked, scared, embarassed feeling again.

    so I ran over to my friend who was like leaving, because my stuff was near her, and I felt all panicky, and said “you’re leaving?” because she said she might stick around for a while after class.

    and she said yeah.

    so I picked up my books and headed out the door on the far far left.

    (he was on the far far right of the building. but this huge building was pretty empty now, save about 20 folks, so I felt really, really exposed.)

    I said all that (is anyone even reading this?) to say that I hate the way seeing him made me feel.

    I felt helpless and stupid and exposed.

    He always makes me feel so EXPOSED.

    Thankfully, I didn’t feel or notice him staring at me for ONCE, which felt like a relief/disappointment combo.

    & I just feel angry now. at my reaction to him.

    I feel angry because he’s so BIG, and BROAD, and CONFIDENT, and that’s everything that I’m not.

    wow, now I feel sad…:(

    It just makes me crazy how he like…glows.

    He has such a prescence about him.

    and it makes me sad and angry because there was a time in my life when I wouldn’t have felt intimidated by that because I KNEW my own worth.

    but it’s like, I feel so small and insignificant at this point in my life.

    gosh, I feel sad and embarassed.

    I feel like a stupid nerdy high schooler who has an unrequited crush on the High school quarterback, and he was never interested in her, she just dreamed up this big story in her head because he’s a just a nice guy and she’s just pathedic.

    if I was feeling more confident, more…at my best, when I do feel confident and at my best, I feel noticed and valued and amazing and like I CAN GET ANYONE. and I feel arrogant and guilty saying that, but it’s true.

    but I don’t know. I guess since I’ve put on a little weight, (5’6, 157.5 lbs, here’s looking at you, beautiful average woman you), I just don’t feel confident.

    I also don’t feel confident because I have no idea what I’m doing with my life or why I’m even doing it. I feel TERRIFIED of the career I’m preparing for, (I’m so paranoid I’m scared someone I know in real life out there is going to read this and figure out who I am, but it’s teaching, and I know what Rori says about teaching and masculine energy, and I feel scared of that, and I feel scared because the first year of teaching is supposedly the hardest year of your life or something), and I just feel like I don’t belong in this city anymore or something. I feel like I’ve outgrown it. But leaving with all my state credentials that I’ve worked so hard for, wouldn’t exactly make sense.

    I just feel stuck and lonely and frustrated and weird!

    and there’s this part of me, that wants to stay at the exact weight I am just to prove to my anorx1c mother (not really. but she’s reaaaaallly skinny and made me feel like junk about my changing body growing up…) just to prove to her that I can be loved EXACTLY HOW I AM. I want someone who can still love me at my low points. Because life will ALWAYS have some low points, won’t it?

    and I know that when I love myself first, THEN and ONLY THEN, will men really love me too.

    so I want to love myself NOW, but it’s hard, because I don’t feel good about myself.

    I feel unsure about myself, and awkward and lonely and scared out of my mind about the future.

    and i just needed to write that all out all over the freaking internet.

    because that’s how I roll….

    I feel embarassed and frustrated that I CANNOT SLEEP.

    it would feel great if someone else on here was awake and feeling compassionate or feed-backy/motherly.

    thanks for reading, if you did, loves.



  159.  #159Sirenity on November 29, 2012 at 2:45 am

    Hugs Lama…you do express your FMs so beautifully and so authentically.



  160.  #160ruth on November 29, 2012 at 2:46 am

    Sirenity
    🙂
    Iam Ruthie to my family
    I was burned out but Im not any more



  161.  #161ruth on November 29, 2012 at 2:50 am

    Llama, the first year of teaching *is * very hard(I know lots of teachers
    its a bit like being a doc though
    If you really, REALLY want to do it then that doesnt matter
    it is possible to be in totally masculine energy at work yet still feel your feelings
    Can be hard getting the balance right though

    For years and years I felt too much and it made me a bit ill

    Re the weight thing, my mum has been weird about my weight both when I was fat and now that I am thin(er)
    Im not actually thin at all

    But, its my life/my body and has not got anythting to do with her

    You have so much going for you and so much to experience
    this is YOUR journey
    xxxxxx

    Now see if you can sleep



  162.  #162ruth on November 29, 2012 at 2:53 am

    Got verbal diarrhoea today
    Forgot to say Sirenity

    Your posts are so comforting

    so Im not sure if what you say aboiut being an actress and not caring is actually the case
    If I, a stranger can feel tnhat comfort over the internet, well—-

    Just sayin



  163.  #163Sirenity on November 29, 2012 at 3:02 am

    Nice thought Ruth.. 🙂

    I feel better..theres a bad moon on the rise here.

    I know the burn out will go when i have time out and spend time with friends . I feel very alone where I am living currently.

    But the work persona does feel jaded and depleted and tired of smiling and thinking and deciding and checking and reassuring .

    A small incident at work today when i was running late and just wanted to get to my singing lesson on time and reception added on a “walk in” patient without asking me (NOT urgent) and I was pressured and stressed, no lunch , no bathroom break and late again for MY time. I feel very angry over this ..and avoided receptionist in case I “exploded “over her.

    A small issue , but it just reinforced the burnt out feeling.



  164.  #164Sirenity on November 29, 2012 at 3:04 am

    Ruth what did you do for the burn out?



  165.  #165ruth on November 29, 2012 at 3:12 am

    had a year off work Sirenity
    Yoga three times a week and a shed load of therapy(CBT when I had stopped grieiving for the loss of my carrer and what I thought was my identity at the time)

    I jumped before I got sick, but then as soon as I did leave I was very sick indeed
    there were some days when I could barely get out of bed to wash my face
    thats why I started running every day

    Now I have a job with no on call.It is a lesser role than that for which I am trained but I accept that as part of a new work life balance



  166.  #166ruth on November 29, 2012 at 3:13 am

    and also
    I learned how to say
    *no*
    It is just not possible to do everything and be everywhere



  167.  #167Sirenity on November 29, 2012 at 3:24 am

    I had time off but it was one surgery after another ..doesnt count ( :

    I have kids still to support or I would go part time . I will try and keep it going a few more years and keep up the yoga and singing!

    i do feel admiration for you reinventing your life after major challenges.



  168.  #168ruth on November 29, 2012 at 3:44 am

    No, that doesnt count as time off!

    Unless it is a genuine emergency, I try not to work through lunch

    that extra patient-I wonder what would have happened if you had said no
    🙂

    bet theyy would not have done that sort of booking again



  169.  #169Sassy on November 29, 2012 at 3:48 am

    Tam,

    Hugs to you, I know exactly how it feels. Recently had an admission made to me that he wanted nothing more than se*, even though I haven’t seen him in more than a year.
    All contact info immediately deleted, then he texted me Monday and wanted my help with something. I have no idea what it was, because I didn’t engage but with 3 one word answers.
    Anyway, I feel your sadness, pain and anger.



  170.  #170Silver Moonbeam on November 29, 2012 at 3:48 am

    #121 Tam

    Wow I don’t know what to say except big ((( HUGS )))



  171.  #171Sassy on November 29, 2012 at 3:52 am

    Miss Stix,

    It feels wonderful to read about your care for your patients. I thank you for that.
    I also know how you feel re your disc issues. I have DDD, DJD, arthritis, osteoporosis and a number of other spine issues. Pain and stretching are my best friends.
    Keep processing, it’s cathartic



  172.  #172ruth on November 29, 2012 at 4:00 am

    Sassy

    were those words F.R.O.?



  173.  #173Tam on November 29, 2012 at 4:18 am

    Thank you for all your comments ladies. Hm.
    I guess what shocked me most yesterday was the change, the Jukyll/Hyde thing going on. Two weeks ago he was saying and doing quite different things….and in all honesty, I feel shocked that I have potentially made it all up because I was 100% sure that he had feelings for me. Dead sure actually.
    Maybe, maybe not, who cares…fact is that whatever it was, it wasn’t strong enough to make him want to do anything about it at all other than do what he wants and have me as a friend/confidante and latterly also fun between the sheets. Although, that is a new thing…I guess I felt like it, was single, and just wanted to find out if it made the blindest bit of difference. Turned out it didn’t.
    In fact, it seemed like I went down in value, whereas before he was courting me for months (without sex), now he was kind of inconsistent – guess the challenge was gone.
    Maybe someone else was there, who knows and who cares.
    The moment he said ‘I am not your bf’ , the whole thing was done and dusted for me. I just looked at him rambling on at whatever he was rambling on about and thought ‘yeah, I get it now’. Why he invested in me for 2 years (and he did, I did not chase him) – no idea. I obviously wasn’t enough of his ‘type’ to take it further…whatever.
    I can’t say it’s not a knock to my self esteem, frankly, but it is also a relief. The guy has major issues – and he can battle those and the associated mess in his life by himself now. No more from me. Zero.
    It would have been difficult anyway. Yesterday I did not have the feelings that all the good things that make up for the difficulty, were there, even before he said about the ‘I am not your bf’.
    That helped.

    I am sure he is shocked that I told him that the friendship is also over, but I am also sure he got the message and will find himself another playmate, or even someone to call a gf for a few months. In the end he will always be alone. I forgive him for feeding me lines and going back and forth and not communicating authentically, and I feel compassion: he will never find love and always be alone. That much is very clear. Most women wouldn’t have put up with the nonsense which makes me wonder why I did.
    Well, it finally stopped last night.
    I got my closure.
    So now we will see what he does. If anything.
    If he contacts me with anything other than a 360 degree turnaround (which he won’t), I won’t even see him again, speak to him again. Which creates some necessary juggling of my social circle, but I am resolved now.



  174.  #174Silver Moonbeam on November 29, 2012 at 4:21 am

    Wow we have so many medical people on here!! Sirenity I had no idea you were a doctor too!

    You Sirens are all so lovely that I feel comforted coming here and reading the posts.

    I had a date on Sunday night with NiceGuyCD wasn’t really that attracted to him as I like taller and broader, however he *seemed* to be right into me. We had a 6 hour date (!!) as he had driven for over an hour to meet me and I didn’t think it right to just have a one hour date, anyhoo one thing led to another, drinks then he took me to this fancy Chinese restaurant where he ordered the most expensive meals on the menu (moment of panic in case I was supposed to pay half and I know I did not have that kind of money) but I just relaxed like a good Siren and let him lead. The date ended when he dropped me at my bus stop, we had a bit of kissing (or snogging as we call it here) nothing too heavy but nice, he said he wanted to see me again, I said OK, he phoned when he got home to say he was home OK and was I, and said he had a lovely time with me, since then (it is now Thursday lunch time) nothing more than a few Good Morning texts, the last one being Tuesday morning when I replied to his Good Morning and nada, zero, zilch, since though he has been on the dating site every time I log on.

    I didn’t log on at first as I felt “guilty” you know a man taking you out on an expensive date WTH is that all about? Well I suppose it was my way pre RR, put all of your eggs in one basket…………..however that was then this is now.

    Since yesterday I have been chatting to 2 other potential CD’s, this morning I gave both of them my mobile number.

    I was texting my sister last night and she said she would be pissed off if she had a date and the man barely contacted her and was online on the dating site. I said “Yes pre RR I would have been pretty pissed off too. But no more, I am NOT putting all my eggs in one basket.”

    I am really going to give this (scary scary) CD thing a proper go until the right man steps up.



  175.  #175Tam on November 29, 2012 at 4:25 am

    Amongst all the rambling, he was making future plans for us to meet, for him to take me out bla bla…and I just kept thinking ‘what is the bloody point of that now?’ . You just told me you are not my bf and then you are constructing a relationship in the air…
    and I can’t help but laugh now at him freaking when I got a text from another guy and yet saying that I should date others (or something to that effect).
    What a load of bollocks.



  176.  #176ruth on November 29, 2012 at 4:26 am

    b**cks indeed tam

    you sound okay with it all though

    I hope you are
    xxxxxx



  177.  #177Tam on November 29, 2012 at 4:39 am

    Ruth, I did not sleep…perhaps because I was shocked at the sudden turn-around and harshness…and also, you know how we spoke about feeling messages?
    Wow, last night before I even said anything he was barraging me as he got up to go (I guess he knew exactly what was going on inside me):
    ‘don’t feel sad and don’t feel bad, please don’t, you shouldn’t, there is no reason bla bla bla’
    And I stood there and said nothing…and then I just said ‘actually, I just feel cheap now’. And then the same barrage again ‘don’t feel cheap, don’t feel sad bla bla bla’…
    I don’t know…he then practically ran out. I didn’t move. Actually, first I wanted to ask him something and then swallowed it and moved away from him.
    He knew he was being a prick and he thought I would forgive and everything will remain the same.
    I calmly wrote a text saying that I don’t want to be friends anymore, don’t sleep with someone who doesn’t want to be my boyfriend, that I am not a booty call and that that was that basically.
    I did that for me because he most likely will be shocked but it’s water off a duck’s back, he falls in and out with people all the time.
    I, however, don’t. And something inside me snapped yesterday.
    I just hope that I can trust again and when I believe I see love in someones eyes and feel it, that I don’t convince myself it’s all fake and ends in a mess. I feel pretty deluded and crazy now, because believe it or not, it never happened to me before that I got it so wrong, never. Wow. it’s a first!



  178.  #178Sassy on November 29, 2012 at 4:53 am

    Tam,

    Be gentle with and take care of yourself.



  179.  #179Tam on November 29, 2012 at 5:01 am

    I feel a little angry at all the palaver
    ‘oh there aren’t many of you’
    ‘I had nobody else in 2 years’ (ummmh yeah right)

    bla bla bla

    I feel angry.



  180.  #180Tam on November 29, 2012 at 5:03 am

    I want to beat myself up for having been such a gigantic idiot but I know that’s not the way to go.
    I just don’t feel the strength to pat myself on the back and say ‘well done’.
    I feel angry that I did not take better care of myself, after 2 years of all this, especially right now as my life hangs in the balance.
    I want to apologise to me.



  181.  #181Tam on November 29, 2012 at 5:08 am

    Part of me also wants to lash out and give his ego a big dampener. I mean, between you, me and the lampost of how ever many people read this:

    He is the worst lover ever. No doubt about that one.
    Though he really tried his best again also yesterday, at pleasing me and finding out about the weird and wonderful world of women’s bodies and what makes them tick…because he hasn’t got the foggiest (he he).

    And there is a little evil devil sitting on my shoulder, who wants to send a little ‘PS’ to him, saying ‘I recommend you really improve your bedroom skills, because a man with you age and experience should know a lot better, actually, many 16 year olds know better’
    and of course I won’t sink so low…but he is so vain and proud of his hair and face and bla bla…I just feel like smacking him right where it hurts.
    But I won’t. No point.



  182.  #182Tam on November 29, 2012 at 5:11 am

    Oh, my comment is in moderation..I just got the horrible impulse to smack him where it hurts, with a comment as to his terrible skills as a lover (I believe there can’t be a worse one out there).
    And admittedly, he tried to please me and kept asking questions and wants to learn….BUT all considered, it would feel so good to shoot a ‘PS’ comment to my text saying ‘worst lover I ever had’.

    I won’t sink that low, tempting as it is. He really hasn’t got a clue. I won’t miss that part 😉



  183.  #183Sassy on November 29, 2012 at 5:12 am

    Go SMB, you’ve got it goin on!



  184.  #184Sassy on November 29, 2012 at 5:14 am

    Yeah Tam, that’s a huge blow to their ego, although I don’t believe it would serve you coming from a place of anger.



  185.  #185Tam on November 29, 2012 at 5:15 am

    anyway, doesn’t exist anymore, memory. A new day.



  186.  #186Tam on November 29, 2012 at 5:26 am

    Sassy, he has a massive ego front and no self esteem to back it up. Yesterday he was telling me again how proud he is of his hair and how good looking he used to be bla bla bla….
    And how everybody wanted his girlfriend (the perfect blonde model) bla bla bla
    Anyway, as that was going on I kind of glazed over already…I was already angry at the fact that he had not even brought something to my house (he has good manners but yesterday, seemed like he was testing me)…and had actually expected me to get drinks for us (I said: nah – but I still had stuff).
    He was actually acting up again much like the other time he was at my place…pushing away intimacy and nice things…just in case he’d have to admit that he likes me – God forbid.
    I have enough of it…and he was not like that at all at the beginning of the year, he couldn’t do enough for me and even two weeks ago he was different.
    My take on it was that he really wanted to be with me but our getting closer and closer just freaked him out and he had to push me away again. Yesterday was an exercise in pushing a woman away.
    After we had slept together, I cried because I realised that I needed to let him go and felt the pain…and he looks at me and says ‘oh, oh you are crying?’ I just nodded, I did not want to speak. And he said ‘oh that’s very emotional’ and he couldn’t handle it, a few minutes later got up to leave…I know he had intended to stay because he told me what time he needed to be up…
    As he got up to go, I just looked at him and said: ‘that’s it then’ and he looked quite shocked actually and said ‘what?’. And I told him that based on everything that happened tonight I was going to let him go (as in: properly). And I told him also that I don’t do that anymore, sleep with someone who isn’t my bf, and that it feels wrong and cheap. But I could see that he didn’t believe me, he looked kind of puzzled and then defensively said ‘well you should because it is relaxing’ (something to the effect). And then I really had it.
    Not sure if he expected a scene but I wasn’t going to stop him, in fact at that point I was ready to throw him from my balcony had he not left through the door.
    Anyhow. So much for that. Sigh.
    Sorry for spamming, it feels good to let it all out.



  187.  #187Tam on November 29, 2012 at 5:37 am

    The one thing I feel really happy about is that despite the fact that I stuck with him for 2 years, and deep down always had the gut feeling that he had feelings for me and that we would work things out…
    I always CD’d, always. I had a short relationship in between. I never ever made it look like I put my life on hold for him. I am grateful for it and I know this means I can pull myself out this faster…yes.

    You know, after what happened at the beginning of the year, I always maintained that the only way I would consider anything with him again was if he showed up with a ring (which is about as unlikely as hell freezing over)…and it’s true. Really, I couldn’t trust him anymore at all.
    The fact that this evening yesterday happened after I wrote him an open email (after the argument 2 weeks ago), telling him how I felt about everything that happened and him…makes this almost worse. I laid myself bare, opened up, went first (like Rori says to do)…and all it did was reassure him that he was onto something, and basically abuse my affection for him, rather than talk authentically and have the decency to at least preserve our friendship like that. I feel like I threw a dog a bone with my authentic talk and feeling messages. Of course he is going to take it and eat it and afterwards say ‘oops, sorry if I misled you, but I don’t want to be your bf…’ haha. Well, whatever.
    It is what it is, I guess we are quits now. I put him through the mill for three months this year and he got no sex at all…perhaps it’s all even now.



  188.  #188ruth on November 29, 2012 at 5:38 am

    oh Tam
    (((((((((((())))))))))))
    Vent as much as you like.Let it out

    Definitely no contact time, isnt it
    You deserve so much better
    and there ARE nice men out there
    Now you need time to grieve and to heal



  189.  #189Tam on November 29, 2012 at 5:42 am

    So what can I do to make myself feel good today?

    I have to do some work trying not to mess up (chore)…then I can maybe take a nap…and a long bath…and eat something nice…we will see.



  190.  #190MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 5:44 am

    Sassy

    Thank you!

    I also had a time, like ruth and sirenity, where I felt burnt out.I took 5 months off work during the end of my marriage. I just didn’t have it in me to care for anyone.

    ((((mom)))) I have a great mom but she did raise me not to “moan” about physical pain. I stuff a lot of that down and say things like “oh it’s not that bad i’m alright.” and in turn, I don’t get taken seriously. Which bothers me more than anything! So…Thank you! It really does hurt. I also have arthritis in my hips. Which I suspect is from having one leg an inch shorter than the other! Love to my body and my pain.



  191.  #191Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 5:46 am

    “The whole point is that AUTHENTICITY will get you a long way – and will always make sure that you end up making the right decision for YOU, and that YOU will be satisfied with the result (no matter how other people react.)

    So if you’re all for getting dressed up and cozied up in your sexy gear, then go for it. That could be a lot of fun. With just one caveat … you can’t be doing it in order to ‘get’ something out of it. You have to be able to understand and respect the fact that this is another human you’re dealing with here (read: complex being) and there is just no way of knowing how he’s going to react. As a result, manipulative behavior designed to elicit a particular response will not only not work, but it will also likely BACKFIRE.

    This is why it’s so important for you to he GENUINE about how you’re being. If you want to cultivate respect in a relationship, you have first got to act with SELF-respect. And that means, not taking on any ‘roles’ in order to ‘get’ something out of it, and not trying to manipulate anybody with role-playing behavior that’s just not you.”

    Mirabelle Summers



  192.  #192Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 5:47 am

    Sirenity and Ruth – Thank you so much for your kind words. I really do appreciate them more than you know.

    I went to bed and laid there with my eyes open until I started having nightmares! Oops!

    but at least they weren’t the kind where I have to see the ghosts of my past, and leave me feeling completely upside down the next morning.

    they were just intense and freaky.

    I can handle intense and freaky.

    Memory-triggered and sad?

    Not so much…

    Those are the kind that turn my entire day, my entire perspective, upside down…

    I feel such rage that even with the pain I felt from Big Heartache, it wasn’t even a real relationship.

    I think that’s what hurts most of all.

    and yet I can write things that people COMPLETELY relate to, thank me for, and say they feel moved by when it comes to my emotional experiences behind that “imaginary relationship.”

    The things he did, the way he looked at me, the words he said to me, all of it could have come out of a movie. The whole thing FELT like a movie, minus the happy ending.

    & I feel disgusted with myself for even thinking about it.

    but it changed my entire worldview.

    so SOMETHING about it had to be real, didn’t it?



  193.  #193Tam on November 29, 2012 at 5:51 am

    I feel that being authentic whilst the other person is seemingly playing games and somewhat reassured by your authenticness and gets a good feeling out of it but not inspired to be honest and authentic themselves – is a bad deal.
    Being authentic leaves one more vulnerable at being tossed about. He got reassured and felt good with my authenticity…and it just prolonged the inevitable.



  194.  #194Tam on November 29, 2012 at 5:53 am

    I am closing myself for romance for a bit, if you don’t mind. I hope that’s ok Universe, because I feel very fragile and not sure I want to trust another man right now and for a while. I got it so wrong and now I just want to be single and have friends that love me back.



  195.  #195Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 5:54 am

    A man just said to me in talking about another man “he’s a man, he needs to be stroked. He needs to feel wanted”.



  196.  #196Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 5:59 am

    it changed my entire worldview – wow. Can “one” persons actions and words be so powerful?



  197.  #197ruth on November 29, 2012 at 6:00 am

    taking processing time and healing time is god thing Tam
    But please dont stayclosed forever
    Also, you spoke your truth and you were authentic and you took a risk
    Ok, so it didnt pay off but you were very brave and true
    One day someone out there will appreciate it
    xxxxxxx



  198.  #198Heart on November 29, 2012 at 6:01 am

    ((((((((((Tam)))))))))

    I don’t know what to say…Wow.
    shocking….I’m just going to send comfort your way.



  199.  #199Heart on November 29, 2012 at 6:02 am

    I feel sleepy and tired but content.



  200.  #200Tam on November 29, 2012 at 6:09 am

    Thank you Ruth and Heart.

    I am just more shocked at my gut feeling being so wrong about this. Wow. My defenses and protectiveness always went up with this man and my walls and my gut feeling told me ‘it will all work out, let your guard down’.
    Well, dear gut feeling, you were so wrong and now I am not going to trust you anymore. I am not going to trust my heart anymore, my head serves me so much better.
    This never happened before, when I used my head…so conclusion is: feelings are good. cold day light proof and decisions based on evidence and not feelings works better for me.



  201.  #201Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 6:10 am

    sorry for being negative and dwelling in the past.

    I feel embarassed. and needy.



  202.  #202Heart on November 29, 2012 at 6:11 am

    I feel grateful for

    1. pizza 2. my pink fluffy bathrobe 3. Kindness of friends.



  203.  #203Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 6:13 am

    Tam, do you have Heart Connection Toolkit?

    I feel curious about your thoughts on “not trusting your feelings but trusting your head.”



  204.  #204Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 6:17 am

    I feel grateful that:

    1. The girl who normally frowns at me @ work. No matter how much I smiled at her, she would always frown. However, TODAY, she said good morning to me (indirectly? I had my back turned) and when I spoke to her, she spoke back and actually smiled at me! First time! It felt great!

    2. That other people have bad moods sometimes, and aren’t afraid to express that.

    3. For people who are in good moods, in a contagious kind of way, by showing thanks. (that’s for you, Heart.) 🙂



  205.  #205Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 6:22 am

    Lamabutterfly: You are so beautiful and authentic. When I was reading your story I was imagining you walking into that auditorium with your head held high and just going about your life. 🙂 You don’t have to run from this man…he should actually be the one avoiding you. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You’re amazing. Just go through life doing what YOU want to do and if YOU want to stay in an auditorium where he is then stay. If YOU want to walk through a door he happens to be standing by, walk through it. Chin up, shoulders back, soft smile…going about your life. 🙂 I picture you like Julia Roberts in Pelican Brief (I only read the book, never saw the movie but she’s on the cover so I pictured her the whole time I was reading it)…she just walked right in, in the middle of everything (late for class) and took a seat right in the center of the room while all eyes were on her. That’s how I see you. Can you see it too?

    FW 190 – LOVE it!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  206.  #206Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 6:23 am

    “The truth is simple: if you feel gorgeous, you’ll look gorgeous.” – Anita Roddick



  207.  #207Starbright on November 29, 2012 at 6:32 am

    (((tam)))
    It seems to me there were all sorts of feelings with Mr. P from over the top good feelings to not so good feelings.

    I am choosing to keep my heart open as that is what life is – a full range of feelings. I don’t want to blame the good feelings for being wrong. I will let all my feelings guide me knowing most things are not all good or all bad. Which feelings will guide me to be happiest?

    (((tam))). (((me)))



  208.  #208Sassy on November 29, 2012 at 6:33 am

    Miss Stix
    189-Chiropractic can help lengthen that leg and re-align your hips. That will feel massively better. You will have to continue as our bodies tend to go back to the original state.
    I work for two chiros and cannot have “traditional” adjustments due to my compression fractures. So it’s mostly being stretched out on the table and some other minimal care. But it makes all the difference.



  209.  #209MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 6:36 am

    Ruth 150

    Thank you, your words feel calming.

    Hmm… I do not love my job. I barely even like it. I love the people I work with and I love knowing I can make a difference. If I didn’t believe in the humanity in my work i’d be gone in a flash. It feels kind of sad…

    I get asked why I don’t go to nursing school and even once medical school. I usually shrug. I don’t know how to say I just don’t like it. It’s not worth my effort. I only stick around because I care.



  210.  #210Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 6:40 am

    “Try this exercise: Every time you stop at a light while you are driving, listen to your self talk. If you are thinking about a fight with your spouse, replaying a stressful and painful thought at work, or beating yourself up for running late to your next appointment, replace those thoughts by thinking about something good that happened during your day. Feel the joy in you. The healing power of the mind begins with your positive thoughts. Your mind is the most effective medicine to illnesses and constantly stay in touch with it.”

    Joel Chue



  211.  #211Tam on November 29, 2012 at 6:40 am

    Lama…I trusted my feelings of feeling loved and cared for and safe…at some point…and I was imagining good things to happen.
    My gut feeling has always told me all will be fine, and I never had it so strong.

    I was wrong, my feelings were not to be trusted.
    My head always told me: this is probably a bad idea.
    And I always, always went with my heart.
    I am not ready to go there for a while.
    I am going to make head-based decisions for a while and see how that works.



  212.  #212MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 6:41 am

    Sassy

    I could look into that! My doc won’t approve Chiro for my back. He said it’s too touchy, and i’m too close to needing surgery. ATM I do yoga and try to be constantly aware of my posture, especially in bed. I haven’t asked about my ankle/leg and hips though, and it’s worth asking about. Thank you for the suggestion! I would have never recognized that as an option.



  213.  #213Heart on November 29, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Llama! <3 😉



  214.  #214Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 6:50 am

    YOU CAN’T FAIL!!! I don’t stop trying. Mistakes don’t mean failure. They teach what doesn’t work. Thomas Edison said, “I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that don’t work.” Look what he accomplished! If you don’t make mistakes, you’re not trying hard enough! If what you try doesn’t work, you have no less than before. Trying is an accomplishment!

    http://howdoiloveme.com/



  215.  #215BAB/Rebekah on November 29, 2012 at 6:53 am

    213- LOVE it!



  216.  #216Sassy on November 29, 2012 at 6:53 am

    Miss Stix,

    Oh please try to avoid back surgery! There is soooo much I could tell you about chiro and physical therapy.
    Yes your posture is very important as is your pillow. Also strengthening your core and spine will help but it has to be done very carefully.
    Are you getting therapeutic massages? They can be beneficial IF you can tolerate deep tissue work. We also have two MTs, but I can only stand to be worked on by one of them as the other is too intense.



  217.  #217MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 6:54 am

    I really want to go to my doctor to talk about this now. Lengthening in my leg would change the whole shape of my body. I’m all crooked and one hip looks a little flat while the other is round. I have questions in my mind…Would it work? I fractured through my growth plate when I was 11 so, that must mean the bone is literally shorter. Just under an inch though, which isn’t much. hmmm feels intriguing, and a little exciting.



  218.  #218Sassy on November 29, 2012 at 6:56 am

    I truly believe exactly what Rori says about the age differences. Age is a number, the backgrounds, personalities, beliefs and maturity levels are what matter.



  219.  #219Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 6:56 am

    Remember Eleanor Roosevelt’s wise words:
    You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop andlook fear in he face. You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”…you must do the things you think you cannot do.



  220.  #220Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 6:59 am

    Wow, that is the first full night’s sleep that I’ve had since last Friday. 9 p.m. to 6:30 a.m. That’s a lot of hours!

    I don’t feel “perfect” and I don’t feel “happy,” but at least I feel rested.

    Whenever something is bothering me, it’s always the first thing on my mind in the morning. And it gets extra fueled by the adrenaline that wakes you up. So sometimes I want to go and write someone an email or send a text message or something. (And that’s usually a bad idea.)

    I actually decided last night that I was kind of glad I had responded to SYG’s text to me, which was a much nicer text than I expected. I could have let it go without responding. But I was glad that I did, if only because it prevented me from continuing to feel like I “should” respond. The act of responding was like, “Hey, enough. now stop.” Now I don’t have the urge. And…it helped me realize how I can be “too much.” I sent feeling messages, sure. And I said “thanks.” But the feelings didn’t reveal anything that I didn’t say in the first message. They were kind of redundant. So what was my angle? It was about “expression,” I guess, but I realized when I wrote that my “heart was hurting” that it actually wasn’t all that true. I checked in with my bodily feelings, and realized that I felt much, much better than the night before. So it was still kind of true. But not as true. It was more of like a sore ache, than a full on “hurt.”

    This morning, I am still recovering, a little bit. The first thing I had to do, after I woke up and fed my cats, was to sit down and have a little cry. Not a big one. It’s just amazing how crying can really “shift energy” around.

    think about it – after you cry, you feel different, right? I have felt less embarrassed about crying, after I read some kind of scientific study or article that showed that when babies cry, it shifts the chemicals in their brains to get it back in balance. So sometimes when a baby is crying, that is all they are doing – “rebalancing” their systems. It doesn’t have to mean that they need something.

    And if it goes for babies, it goes for kids and adults. We’re all human. We’ve got the same brain chemicals. Babies can just do it with abandon. We’ve all (most of us) have been taught that crying is somehow weak, or that it means there is something “wrong” with us. When in fact, it is just a perfectly natural way to balance out your inner system.

    After my little cry this morning, I felt much more balanced. LIke there was one more piece of “energy” I needed to move out of the way so that I could go about my day.

    Doesn’t solve or fix any problems. But it certainly helps me with how I feel inside…

    Public message for the day ; )



  221.  #221MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 7:01 am

    Sassy

    Yes, avoidance is the goal! I’m still very young and we want to preserve my body. I’m working as little as possible and my yoga practice is done by myself at home. It’s a very low intensity meditative type of yoga where I focus right in on my spine and the supportive muscles. It is working wonders! So far I am feeling gradually better, instead of worse which is promising.



  222.  #222ModernMe on November 29, 2012 at 7:03 am

    Dear Rori-

    Please help me.

    I don’t really know how to ask a question but I could really use your help and the age difference question is relevant.
    This will sound familiar to so many people, but 2 years ago I met a man, who is significantly younger than me, but it was an amazing whirlwind of goodness for 3 months. We met each others’ families, laughed and just enjoyed each other tremendously, spending just about every night together during that time. It felt fantastic, like I was on some high for 3 months. Mutual friends on numerous occasions said to us “you are so lucky to have found each other”. I have never experienced anything like that. And then, he just disappeared. Nothing. He was gone without a word, without a goodbye. I felt so angry, confused, hurt, disappointed. I found out much later, after beating myself up and running through every breath I took or word I said to him, that his ex came back and they were back together.

    I picked myself up and dated new people (now I know all were toxic) and tried to focus on me but just couldn’t get him out of my mind, and basically created an imaginary life, an imaginary love with him in my brain.

    Over the last 2 years I have heard from him on and off, from “we need to talk” without any follow up, to drunken messages of “do you have a boyfriend?” and we go back and forth.

    So, then it happened. We finally saw each other. And, it felt incredible. We talked, not at all about what happened, but it felt so good and so right. We kissed and it was tremendous. we were both shaking and he commented on how he was shivering…He asked to see me again and although nothing really intimate happened, two days later he stayed at my house and we just had a fantastic night. And then again, nothing…4 or 5 days went by and I couldn’t help it, I reached out. I reached out via email or text at least 6 times in 3 weeks, which I know is NOT the right thing to do. I try so hard to work your program and tools but I slip up and then I feel guilty. This man makes me feel insane. But I wasn’t mean or angry or blaming, just nice and trying to use feeling messages…but this is probably still “pushy”. So, here is my question. My last message was truly that, my last – if I have to hide my phone, delete every way to contact him, it HAS to be my last and this is what I said:
    “I’m sorry if I came across as pushy. I never want to put pressure on you or this; I just felt overly excited about seeing you again. I remember how comfortable I felt with you a long time ago and I wanted to feel those positive feelings again. Take all the time you need or want and I understand that you need space and time to think and do. But, It feels terrible to have someone stay at my house and barely talk to him for days after. I want something meaningful in my life and right now, I feel angry and hurt and confused. I appreciate the time you took to see me when I asked. Thank you again”

    I know I shouldn’t have used “hurt”. Am I doing okay in this program? Should I have said something else? Frankly I FEEL the desire to punch him and then myself. And I know I should be circular dating but it is very hard for me. I go out with so many guys but once I am certain that I am not into it, I drop them. I feel totally uncomfortable about leading them on and when someone “likes” me, I back out. And I find myself sticking around the guys who are more toxic than others.

    My real fear is what do I do when I see this man again, which will happen because of our lives and friends. I feel terrified of seeing him and of letting him go and of letting him back into my life. Except for the moments we are together, all I feel is disappointment, pain, fear, sadness, confusion and heartache with him….but I am not strong enough in this program yet and I am terrified of every possibility I can think of surrounding him, especially letting go, even though I know I HAVE to….

    Thank you for you help.



  223.  #223MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 7:05 am

    I feel good today thankfully. I was a little worried I might wake up in pain but I didn’t.



  224.  #224Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 7:05 am

    Tereana: “After my little cry this morning, I felt much more balanced. LIke there was one more piece of “energy” I needed to move out of the way so that I could go about my day.” – I like this. I’ve never been able to put words to how I feel after a cry, but I think this is it. 🙂 It’s why women are so drawn to “chick flicks” that make us cry I think. Men will say “You know it’s sad, why do you do that to yourself?” and I think it’s because of what you say above…one more piece of energy we need to move out of the way.

    LOVE it!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  225.  #225Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 7:08 am

    Miss Stix – I haven’t read all your posts about your situation, but I just caught a few, and I have to say “less than an inch” difference in the legs might not sound like “a lot” to you, but to your body, that is a really huge difference. Even a half a centimeter is actually pretty large, where your body is concerned. A difference like that can throw your gait off such that the rest of your body is compensating, and you will get lots of persistent tension patterns from that.

    I do not know what surgery entails for “lengthening” the leg. But it depends if the length difference is organic (like you said, something about a growth plate, so maybe the bones are literally shorter), or if the difference is postural. If it’s postural, then it would be a matter of adjusting the hips and the ball and socket joint so that the leg can extend fully, and you will feel more balanced.

    But, depending on your situation and your pain, surgery may be the best solution, even though it carries a lot of risks.

    (bodyworker talking here. I get excited about this stuff ; )



  226.  #226Tam on November 29, 2012 at 7:08 am

    Urgh, I want this day to end already.
    I don’t want to feel sad because of this idiot.
    I just saw he hung up my clothes almost pedantically (not to say lovingly..folded and hung) and put the dishes away last night…leftovers in fridge etc.
    and it must have happened as he left, I don’t remember that at all…and so odd as he can’t do it at his own place. Oh well, at least he had respect for my dishes and my clothes. Gee, thanks.
    Get out of my head already.



  227.  #227Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 7:13 am

    Mercedes – Hooray!

    I personally believe that the same could probably be said for men. Maybe men as they mature find “other” ways of balancing their energy, and so they don’t “need” crying as much (I believe some still do). But I don’t know that that’s true. And maybe women have a different emotional experience, so we “need” it more. Who knows.

    But a guy saying something like that is to me just feeding the cultural bias against crying, as if it means we are so immature, “like babies.” But babies are smart, they just do what they do.

    I bet that big, burly guy would just LOVE to have a good cry at a chick flick ; )



  228.  #228Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 7:14 am

    (((Tam)))



  229.  #229MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 7:21 am

    Tereana

    Wow, thank you!

    When I say “not much” i’m hoping it’s little enough that making a difference is possible. You are so right, my body is way off balance and I do carry a lot of tension in different places. Even in my jaw.

    It’s actually kind of funny, but Rori’s leaning back has helped my physical body enormously! It forces my hips back and shoulders back and down. It has been great for my seated posture.



  230.  #230Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Tereana: I think the (two or three – including one DJ just recently) men who say it really are confused about why on earth we would put ourselves through an emotional hardship on purpose. I really just believe they don’t understand how GOOD it feels to just have a cry once in a while. Most of the men I know do NOT feel better after a cry (probably because they don’t do it enough. lol) so they don’t understand how cleansing it can feel. 🙂

    I don’t think they mean anything bad by it though…I think it’s straight up one of those things they don’t understand about the opposite sex. lol

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  231.  #231MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Crying is wonderful! I love to cry…I love what you said, terana, about rebalancing and energy. It also feels like a big release to me. We cry, so there must be a reason we cry…If I don’t feel refreshed and cleansed after a cry, I at the very least feel calm and level.



  232.  #232Linda on November 29, 2012 at 7:37 am

    190… I love that post. That is exactly where my head, heart and body is right now. No more taking on a role or being unauthentic. I did that for a while and the results I got resulted in pain and drama.

    The men (cd’s) in my life are getting the true unwatered down version of authentic me. I am using the tools to help me deliver that to them. I am not perfect at it but and trying.

    Taking full emotional ownership for the choices we make is hard but that is what I am doing. So far I do not have a man that is really stepping up but that is again his job, mine is to be open, receive what they bring, enforce my boundries and see who rises to the top. Yes targeting Mr Right.

    The man I spilled my feelings to did not bail, nor is he stepping up but still engaged and open to me. What will happen I dont know. I just know I am settled inside and peace with myself and the rest does not matter.

    —-

    Tam… I send a hug to you. I have experienced the same thing. Letting thing totally run its course is sometimes the only way to be done.



  233.  #233k2012 on November 29, 2012 at 7:45 am

    Good advice given there above. I find that when the man is older and the woman is younger, it is easier than the other way around. Well I just saw something on my facebook page that shocked the daylights out of me. Today is my birthday and of course, for those of u on facebook, u will know that because faceback sends out reminders, every one wishes u happy birthday. I don’t know if some of u remember (u might) me saying that my ex who disappeared in July reappeared to my sister and called her. The last thing I expected was that he was going to reappear to me. In fact, I was about to delete him yesterday and the only reason why I didn’t do it was because my real life relationship counsellor and hairdresser who is spiritually gifted in matters of the Holy Spirit wanted to see a pic of him. So I said when she returns to my home to do my hair, I will show her the pic and then delete him. She is not a pyschic. Anyway, birthday greetings keep popping up on my phone and I keep checking them. I am on sick leave as I have flu. All of a sudden, I saw a birthday greeting from him on my page. My eyes nearly popped out. I was lying down in bed and I had to get up and look closely. I was shocked. It was just yesterday when my mind run on him that I remembered what my hairdresser/relationship counsellor said -that when he and the other woman breakup or whatever, he would want to fall back on me. Of course, I am not taking him back-thats a given-he is not going to get the chance to hurt me again. But I am asking what is the reason for this small contact now, I am curious. What do u think? I appreciate any comments on this. This one shock me. It was just this morning I said in my mind that I am focusing on finding a new single man who lives in the same country as me and I am not going to focus on whether he reappears or not cause I wouldn’t be interested. Your comments would be appreciated.



  234.  #234Tam on November 29, 2012 at 7:49 am

    Why do I feel rejected and not good enough when I actually rejected him, in the end? Because I could not carry on with this game playing…
    so why do I feel just because he couldn’t commit, for whatever reason, that I am not ‘good enough, pretty enough, whatever enough?’
    I don’t want to feel like this.
    I rejected him, I rejected being played, being kept on a string and being a friend with benefits.
    So I should feel good about myself.
    But I don’t.

    I can’t help but feel ugly and small right now.
    The only guy that wanted to commit to me lately is a midget-man. I know this sounds awful but I see it as a reflection of my worth right now. Attractive man: rejects me. Ugly man: asks for a commitment.
    And that sounds so bad, but that is truly what is going on in my head.

    I hate that. I hate feeling like this.
    I hate having had my self esteem knocked. Urgh.



  235.  #235Silver Moonbeam on November 29, 2012 at 7:51 am

    k2012

    I am not good at this stuff, but just wanted to wish you a Happy Happy Birthday. 🙂



  236.  #236MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 7:52 am

    Thank you Rebekah, for your FB post.

    “When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.”

    What is past is past and it is not what is present. I am leaving it behind us.



  237.  #237Silver Moonbeam on November 29, 2012 at 7:53 am

    #232 Tam

    It seems Mr A (Mr P) just can’t “do” relationships, this is nothing whatsoever to do with you, this is his stuff.



  238.  #238Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 7:53 am

    ((((Tam))))

    and @204 Mercedes – I feel so teary and moved reading that. Thank you soooo much. I want to imagine myself as you pictured me.

    I still feel like I have such a long way to go…



  239.  #239Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 7:55 am

    k2012: I don’t think there is any way to know why he reached out to you…or really any reason to know why. I would thank him along with thanking everyone else (if you thank people individually, thank him that way…if you send out a blanket “thank you to all my friends and family” then do just that). He reached out…that’s all you need to know. I would lean back at this point, treat him as I treat anyone on fb who wished me a happy day and see what happens…be open to anything that happens, but…maybe not ask “why”. 🙂

    And I’m not part of the fb group here so I didn’t know, but I do want to wish you a VERY, VERY magical happy birthday!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  240.  #240Starla on November 29, 2012 at 7:56 am

    100 daria
    oh ok thanks for explaining



  241.  #241Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 7:57 am

    I feel disgruntled. I’ve been wanting to talk to Jack CD, but i keep chickening out.

    it’s gotten so bad, I almost chased him out of the room as he was leaving.

    but then that felt so wrong and not balanced or siren-y.

    but then I remembered a time when he nearly chased ME out of the room as I was leaving.

    Feeling pouty…



  242.  #242Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 7:57 am

    Ruth – I love you!!



  243.  #243Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 7:58 am

    Lama: Keep visualizing, keep meditating and wear lip gloss. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  244.  #244ruth on November 29, 2012 at 7:59 am

    what did I say?



  245.  #245Starla on November 29, 2012 at 8:02 am

    I meditated/visualized again! hehe i feel so excited that i’m doing this every day.

    this time it was pretty short, about 7 minutes… but i almost didn’t do it at all cuz I didn’t much feel like it, so 7 minutes is great.



  246.  #246Tam on November 29, 2012 at 8:03 am

    SMB, it seems that way. But he had them. He split up with his last gf 2 1/2 years ago and met me 2 years ago. He had them (relationships), God knows what they looked like, but he was able to commit alright. Just not with me
    Big lesson learned.



  247.  #247Silver Moonbeam on November 29, 2012 at 8:05 am

    Tam you are so right:

    “God knows what they looked like”

    they could have been truly awful disastrous relationships from the woman’t point of view………



  248.  #248k2012 on November 29, 2012 at 8:07 am

    Thanks Silvermoonbeam and Mercedes. Well to tell u the truth, I clicked liked at everyone’s comments except his. He should know that it is not business as usual. Indeed not. However, at the end of the day, I will say a general thank u to everyone who wished me happy birthday. I certainly won’t single him out. Thanks for ur comments, ladies.



  249.  #249Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 8:07 am

    Starla: YAY! 7 minutes IS great! I try really hard to go ahead and do it even when I don’t feel like it because I always feel really good afterwards. It’s like exercise I guess…there are days when I don’t want to do it (most days…lol) but I always feel good if I do it anyway. I’m so happy you went ahead and did it.

    Habits are made in 3-4 weeks…or so I’ve heard. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  250.  #250ruth on November 29, 2012 at 8:09 am

    Mercedes My head is in the shed with nano
    I have about 11000 words to go and then i am goaing to re start the meditation again
    Tam, SMB is right
    I wonder how the previous women in Mr ps life perceived *relationship*



  251.  #251Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 8:15 am

    Tam – I want to go back and read more of your story, so I can offer support. But right now, I’m going to support you anyway, even though I haven’t read all the details.

    ~~

    And I just had a funny thought today. Well, not the first time I’ve thought about it. And not to obsess, but…

    On the one hand, I had my awkward experience – showed up at a guy’s house, who I considered a “CD” that I liked, only to find out that he now has had a girlfriend for the last month and a half, after he told me that he “wasn’t looking for a girlfriend right now” (which, in my heart, I knew to be a lie, but anyway…). Yeah, so that happened.

    But on the other hand – what about him?? This is my funny thought: put myself in his shoes. Imagine you’re the guy. You’re expecting your girlfriend to come over. So you let her in. And who shows up at your door? NOT your girlfriend. Lol. Someone else that you’ve slept with in the past – in fact JUST BEFORE you met your girlfriend.

    Not to be all sympathetic with him, or anything, but I imagine that must have been a pretty jarring experience for him, too. Wonder what it might mean for him, to have something like that happen? Maybe nothing. But I’d be pretty surprised if someone showed up out of the blue like that. Maybe it wasn’t what he thought it was. Maybe he thought that I was “just for fun,” and not a serious person to date. But you know what? If that’s what he thought, then he was seriously wrong.

    But I don’t know that he thought that at all. He’s only ever told me that I’m a good person and that he likes me. But I guess he knew on some level all along that it wasn’t meant to be a partnership for us – maybe it was that HE couldn’t offer me what I needed (not the other way around, as I had been thinking the other night). Maybe I knew it, too.

    But I can still have compassion for myself. Because even with that, I was involved. My body was involved, and where my body goes, my heart goes, too. He was a gentle soul, and I really liked and enjoyed spending time with him. I had a “homey” feeling with him that was very comfortable and comforting. I am sure he and his girlfriend have a lovely relationship, and I truly and honestly do wish him the best. He never “meant” to do anything to hurt me.

    But, for whatever reason, he just didn’t have “that feeling” about me that would have inspired him to honor me and cherish me and make me a really important part of his life. And I can see and feel how that wouldn’t necessarily have been the right thing for me, either. I can’t say why. There’s no “reason” for it. It just isn’t there.

    BUT, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t involved. It doesn’t mean I didn’t care. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t hurt, and it doesn’t mean I can’t learn from it. But screw learning. I don’t care what knowledge I get from it. What I really got was a huge, heaping dose of FEELING. It really got me in touch with my heart, even though it feels/felt like open heart surgery.

    And maybe next time, I can be more open and aware of what my heart is feeling in the moment. Maybe next time, I can shut up and listen – not to the other person, but to my heart, and what my heart is trying to tell me, and just be there. Be present.

    Maybe that’s my takeaway. I’m sure there’s more.

    So, I guess G-d did have a purpose with it, somehow. And I still get to continue to find out what that is….



  252.  #252k2012 on November 29, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Indeed Mercedes. I will certainly lean back. But to clarify the term to ensure that I get it right, leaning back means doing nothing to show any interest right? Just want to clarify. I would be so happy if I met new guys especially for the ongoing Christmas season. It would be exciting.



  253.  #253Starla on November 29, 2012 at 8:19 am

    what i’m really like about a dedicated meditation practice is that even when life feels crazy or i have that ‘gonna explode soon’ feeling building up, it is comforting to know that you have a retreat in meditation. like a psychological immune or defense system for that “o sh*t imma freak out” feeling that sneaks up on us.



  254.  #254Tam on November 29, 2012 at 8:19 am

    SMB – what counted for him was that they were beautiful woman, he likes a trophy, the rest not so important so it seems.
    And, no, I am not a trophy, but I am me, and if that isn’t good enough now then it never will be. And he certainly isn’t good enough for me like this either….
    Yesterday I got turned off about a variety of things and I believe he has some deep-rooted anger at women. He said he hates his brothers wife because she made him move away….and when he talked about his ex he told me when they went clubbing men always grabbed her…and then about how much weight he lost after the split…and then half jokingly he said ‘bitch’ ….and I never heard him talk like that. He never swears , he actually has very good manners
    Afterwards it dawned on me ‘he is making me pay for whatever others ‘did’ to him’ . That’s how it felt. He’s taking it out on me, because I am the one who always stuck around and supported him. I never had that feeling before. And the fact that he made it sound as though I wouldn’t know what it would be like to be beautiful and get grabbed by men in clubs – he didn’t phrase it like that, but when I said ‘well that used to happen to me occasiinally’ , he said ‘really?????’ as if it was a huge surprise. I was feeling so crapoy at this point, it was the road of no return.



  255.  #255ruth on November 29, 2012 at 8:26 am

    I am leaning back so far I am going to fall off my chair in a mo



  256.  #256Starla on November 29, 2012 at 8:30 am

    there is such a thing as leaning back so far that it’s actually really ‘leaning forward,’ like when you lean so far back in a chair, you end up slipping forward off of it…



  257.  #257Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 8:30 am

    K2012: For me, leaning back means doing nothing to initiate interest (other than smile and eye contact and open body language), yes, but certainly showing interest when he initiates it.

    Things I DO when I lean back AS SOON AS he leans forward: Big smiles. Kind words. Open language (including body language). Flirting with him. Teasing him (not about anything serious, general flirting/teasing). Telling him how much I love him. Basically turning into a total girl…

    Taking good care of myself during that leaning back time is also important I think. For example, if I feel the need to lean back (physically) from J, I generally do it while reading a book I love or writing something creative or knitting or giving myself a facial, etc. I do something that makes me happy at the time. But when he leans forward, I’m all over it! 😉

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  258.  #258ruth on November 29, 2012 at 8:31 am

    Starla
    🙂



  259.  #259Starla on November 29, 2012 at 8:37 am

    it feels so good to dedicate this period of my life right now to transformation



  260.  #260Calypso on November 29, 2012 at 8:48 am

    Yesterday was crazy at work, so I did not get to post here much. I am sorry that JC lost his $600, but what if he had replied to my “I don’t feel good about going now” text with somethign like, “Oh honey! what’s wrong? What can i do to help?” Instead of “You should have told me sooner – now you cost me $600!” he never even asked me what was going on with me. Later last night he texted again, still mad about the money. If I had it, i would write him a check right now! He should care that he just lost me, but that does not seem to be a concern at all. Wow.



  261.  #261Sassy on November 29, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Starla,

    Did you get my post to you on last thread, re the earrings?

    And, did you ever follow thru with contacting CF?



  262.  #262k2012 on November 29, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Ok so I got the term leaning back correct then. Doing nothing to stimulate interest.



  263.  #263Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 9:01 am

    K2012: Unless you’re in person…and then all the smiles and eye contact, etc to show interest is a GOOD thing. That’s my opinion on it. Not sure if that’s the true Rori way though…It’s just how I have used it for my own life.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  264.  #264Silver Moonbeam on November 29, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Oh and with reference to this current post, NiceGuyCD and the 2 new ones are all about 10 years younger than me.

    I like them youngER but not young. 😀



  265.  #265Starla on November 29, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Sassy,
    No I think I’ll just wish him a happy birthday on the 24th. Just opening the door up, saying all is safe, fellow human…

    i did see that the earrings are sold out. bummer! i saw some that are similar, but I really like the ones that are sold out.

    thank you very much for looking into that!



  266.  #266Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Happy Birthday K2012

    🙂 🙂



  267.  #267Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 9:10 am

    Not sure I agree with the doing nothing when leaning back. I visualize the unzippered heart, open and warm radiating love while men’s energy is coming towards me.



  268.  #268Starla on November 29, 2012 at 9:11 am

    my bday is the day before cf’s, so i think it would be an appropriate gesture to offer birthday wishes on his, since I believe he experienced me to be sort of a selfish person when he decided to break up with me.

    because i was a selfish person. i feel different now. not invested, not afraid, just loving:)

    i don’t want to talk about this toooo much, though. i don’t want to give it a lot of power in my life, and i’m trying pretty hard to minimize it, as this is a guy who broke up with me and refused to speak with me about it by just ignoring me like a stray dog or something lol



  269.  #269Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 9:13 am

    Calyspo I totally agree with you. I thought his text felt blamey towards you. Like he was a victim being tortured. Just that I thought you could have responded as Starla recommended. That would be practicing opening up, speaking your truth, dropping your defenses and not taking things personal.



  270.  #270Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 9:14 am

    I have a counterpoint to Rori’s teaching, that might not be too popular here, but I certainly think it is true for me.

    Rori teaches about CD-ing as “practice.” And she – and other coaches as well – talk about “imaginary relationships.” And I totally get what that means.

    It means you don’t have a Relationship (with a capital R), until you have a discussion about it, it’s clear, and the ring is there, and it’s what you want, etc.

    But, on the other hand, that doesn’t mean that you don’t have a “relationship” (in a general sense, small “r”) with a guy, the moment you meet him. You do.

    And that’s what I think can make CD-ing kind of complicated. You are not wanting to get so involved with all of these guys. But on the other hand, having a conversation with someone, when they are interested in dating you, is creating some sort of a relationship right there. Even if the agreement is, “Sure, I’ll go on a date with you.” Or maybe you won’t. Having sex is an agreement, too. You agree to have physical intimacy, even if it doesn’t “mean anything.” And if you go on several dates, even if it’s not “committed” it’s still a type of relationship. You have to RELATE to that person. Your heart, your emotions, your feelings get involved, whether you like it or want them to or not.

    At least, like I said, that is true for me. Maybe it is not true for all of you. But it is true for me.

    And that is why I am being more careful about my CD-ing these days. I only want to go out with guys that I really feel good with. I don’t want to just have “practice.” Because in truth, it really isn’t just practice. It’s not fake, and it’s not imaginary. It’s real. It has a real effect on your emotions, and a real effect on his, too.

    I read something like this in a “Christian” dating book a while back. I thought their position was pretty extreme (i.e. G-d wants you to have no sex until marriage, and if you do, it’s a huge sin, etc.), but I thought that their take on dating in that way was spot on. You can’t really date “casually.” Because the moment that you go on a date with someone, you are setting up a relationship right from that point. If you decide it doesn’t work, fine, move on. But there is no point in continuing to date someone who doesn’t work for you, and whom you don’t really like, just for “practice.”

    That doesn’t make sense for me, and I’m feeling like I don’t want that anymore. Less is more : )



  271.  #271Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 9:15 am

    Starla this might be unwelcome, but I read this morning that what you appreciate, appreciates. Look at where you are now as a result of that breakup. How has your life grown or the value appreciated?



  272.  #272Starla on November 29, 2012 at 9:17 am

    by selfish i mean, i wouldn’t offer love, support, any of that stuff that comes with realtionships, unless he did first. and even then, i was holding back so much….

    and i was doing this with other friends of mine too at the time

    ((((((((((((starla))))))))))))

    love to me



  273.  #273Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 9:19 am

    Great points Tereana. Thinking about Gay Hendricks, they encourage commitments. Not necessarily in the big way but in a way the keep one revisiting their agreements to see if they want to stick with them



  274.  #274Starla on November 29, 2012 at 9:19 am

    268, what does that mean, you think? that what you appreciate, appreciates? i’m not sure how to interpret that



  275.  #275k2012 on November 29, 2012 at 9:20 am

    Thanks Mercedes.



  276.  #276Calypso on November 29, 2012 at 9:20 am

    when he texted again about the money, I replied with, “I’m sorry I did not know sooner. I’m sorry that I wasted your money.” Geezzzzzz . . .

    I realize the blame is mostly on me. I’m glad it’s over. Hopefully him being mad at me about the money will keep him from being hurt that the relationship didn’t work out. I just think of all the times I wanted/needed him to step up and help me with something, be the man, take care of me in some small way and he never wanted to. Now he doesn’t have to worry about it! he can sit his butt on the couch and do nothing and i will tend to myself.



  277.  #277Annie on November 29, 2012 at 9:22 am

    OMG Tam big hugs X

    I feel shivery and shuddery reading your experience.
    I feel so cold and icky hearing that you were treated like that.
    I want to wrap you up in a big warm blanket and hug you honey.

    Look for the message and the lesson and know that their is something much better for you up ahead.



  278.  #278Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 9:23 am

    The good news for you is that most breakup pain isn’t caused by the relationship ending. It’s caused by the way you’ve been taught to end relationships.

    Discover the Art of Conscious Completion in This No-Charge Online Seminar

    http://evolvingwisdom.com/consciousuncoupling/free-online-class/

    So if you’re hurting from a recent breakup, still not completely over a past relationship, or have a fear that you’ll never love again because of those heartaches, I really hope you’ll take this chance to begin to move beyond these feelings after you listen to this special online seminar.

    Even if you’re not in a breakup right now, this information is vital to anyone who has ever suffered the painful ending of a relationship. And it doesn’t cost a thing to attend.



  279.  #279Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Appreciate the value of your life, the way it expanded and the lessons you learned. In poruing appreciation on it, the value increases.



  280.  #280k2012 on November 29, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Thanks Femininewoman. This should be interesting.



  281.  #281Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 9:28 am

    RE 273 – Calypso I read it and “ewww” dropped out of my mouth and I felt cringey. Never take the blame for something you are not wrong about. I smacks of doormat. In my humble opinion, also invites a man to beat up on you. I would really look at this.

    What is $600 anyway?



  282.  #282Tam on November 29, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Thank you Annie..feels nice, your hug.
    I have trouble accepting my pushing away, was my best friend here and the second person I ever met. We both vowed that whatever happened, our friendship would remain untouchable. I had to give it up because it wouldn’t work for me now, after all this. That’s what I feel gutted about most and I know he will too because he wouldn’t have expected it. Meh. I had to. No way back. What’s done is done.
    Cold Turkey now.



  283.  #283Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Hopefully him being mad at me about the money will keep him from being hurt that the relationship didn’t work out. OMG big red “doormat” flag.



  284.  #284Silver Moonbeam on November 29, 2012 at 9:29 am

    #267 Tereana

    Great post that really resonates with me. By practising with somebody who is attracted to me and I not to them, I would feel like I am using them or leading them on. You can practise using FM’s without going on actual dates, by message or online or just in everyday life which I have slowly been doing more these days. It has diffused a potential argument with my daughter by email just recently.

    I am really hearing you as I know you have done a lot of CD’ing and I am really only just starting out for real but I don’t want to go on hundreds of dates (if I can get that many men to actually meet!!) I would prefer quality over quantity.



  285.  #285Calypso on November 29, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Thanks FW – No blame . . . got it 🙂



  286.  #286Starla on November 29, 2012 at 9:30 am

    ohhh i thought it would be a bit more controversial, since you said it might be unwanted haha.

    my life has changed a lot for the better. it’s the best it’s ever been. it’s better than i ever imagined it to be.

    this is not because CF is out of the picture, though. it’s because i lost something i really depended on and I knew if I didn’t focus on changing my life around so that i didn’t need to depend on others, i would end up in a black hole of depression again.

    it was prophylactic.

    ummm i feel rambly



  287.  #287Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Men believe that they can have sex with friends.



  288.  #288Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 9:34 am

    RE 284 this strikes me as interesting about how the mind focuses. Also about CCarter talking about kinda sandwiching bad things when talking with guys.

    I intend to learn how to begin with positives.



  289.  #289Starla on November 29, 2012 at 9:36 am

    i feel good and trusting and light and free



  290.  #290Silver Moonbeam on November 29, 2012 at 9:38 am

    #285 FW

    Can you please expand on this:

    “Also about CCarter talking about kinda sandwiching bad things when talking with guys.”



  291.  #291Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 9:40 am

    erm…Starla. He broke up with you and ignored you. There is no reason at all that you need to wish him a “happy birthday” period. He’s not going to wish you a happy birthday, is he? Do you expect that?

    I would say – go out on your birthday. Have a spa day. Have fun with friends. whatever makes YOU feel good.

    And FORGET that his birthday is the next day.

    He does not DESERVE your “happy birthday.”

    That would be leaning forward, overfunctioning. IMO

    I know it feels “justified,” but consider that you might be wanting to do it because of an “obligation” – a social thing. It’s “what you do” on someone’s birthday. But he isn’t “someone” anymore. He broke up with you. He ignored you. He is “no one” and he doesn’t exist.

    Again, IMO. You can do what you want.

    But if it were me doing it, I would be overfunctioning, and in the end, it would make me feel bad…



  292.  #292Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 9:41 am

    Now some you might be asking, “But Alex,
    isn’t an FWB situation like a ‘training
    ground’ for a real relationship? Doesn’t
    it prepare you for what’s to come when
    the right one comes along?”

    Well, if you ask me, a “friends with
    benefits” situation teaches you the
    WRONG things…

    It teaches you to be “dead” to your true
    feelings.

    It teaches you to lie to yourself and to
    the people around you.

    It teaches you to think that a loveless,
    sexual relationship is “all you deserve”
    – which is absolutely NOT true!

    Alexandra Fox



  293.  #293Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 9:41 am

    Now some you might be asking, “But Alex,
    isn’t an FWB situation like a ‘training
    ground’ for a real relationship? Doesn’t
    it prepare you for what’s to come when
    the right one comes along?”

    Well, if you ask me, a “friends with
    benefits” situation teaches you the
    WRONG things…

    It teaches you to be “dead” to your true
    feelings.

    It teaches you to lie to yourself and to
    the people around you.

    It teaches you to think that a loveless,
    sexual relationship is “all you deserve”
    – which is absolutely NOT true!

    Alexandra Fox



  294.  #294Smile on November 29, 2012 at 9:48 am

    I feel lovely
    I feel content
    Actually I feel like I’m in love! Not sure who I’m in love with who makes me feel amazing right now but I somehow have those feelings!



  295.  #295Annie on November 29, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Ta,

    “don’t feel sad and don’t feel bad, please don’t, you shouldn’t, there is no reason bla bla bla’
    And I stood there and said nothing…and then I just said ‘actually, I just feel cheap now’. And then the same barrage again ‘don’t feel cheap, don’t feel sad bla bla bla’”

    Telling someone how they should or should not feel is arguing with reality. It’s like telling the grass not to be green. And is psychological abuse. Everyones feelings are unique to them. Saying this shows a complete lack of empathy. It’s imagining how we would feel and it making no sense to us because we don’t think they ‘should’ feel like this. Instead of putting ourselves in their shoes imagining we are them with their life experiences and seeing it from their perspective. It is telling them their feelings are wrong which is complete and utter nonsense.
    So if this is what he said this is developmentally where he is at re empathy and sadly we are not able make someone have more empathy than they have. Something has to shift in them and neurons fire and connections and understanding occur.

    I have had this happen too, other people saying oh you have no reason to feel like that etc etc.
    My reply was ” my feelings belong to me, I am not you and I do not want my feelings dismissed and invalidated like that. I feel what I feel I am what I am.



  296.  #296Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 9:51 am

    SMB kinda

    I appreciate your efforts to provide for the family financially. I know work is asking a lot of you and sorry if I am disturbing you but I just felt like spending time with you today. If however you are too busy we can do it later. What do you think?



  297.  #297Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 9:55 am

    But he isn’t “someone” anymore. He broke up with you. He ignored you. He is “no one” and he doesn’t exist.

    OMG – we are all human. This sounds so jaded. He is a grown man who made a choice he thought was in his own best interest.

    He broke up with you. He ignored you. – Does not make him a villain.



  298.  #298Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 10:00 am

    Smile – In love with yourself?



  299.  #299Calypso on November 29, 2012 at 10:04 am

    After JC finally stopped texting me last night, I felt sort of bad and alone. I was driving home from the Nursing Home where I dropped my mom off from Girl’s Night at Chili’s and I texted GM

    Me: “Full Moon . . . You behaving?”

    GM: “Sitting at the house”

    I waited about 10 minutes because I was driving and then,

    Me: 🙂 Sometimes it just makes me feel good to know you are out there . . .

    GM: That feelin arisies at Chili’s most of the time – lol

    Me: 🙂
    Me: Beer does make me feel tingly all over . . . reminds me of u . . . Lol

    GM: It could be the cold weather . . .

    Me: Heaters on . . .

    And that was it. Typicalbanter between us, but it made me smail and I felt relaxed and connected. and I’m sure I did not do it 100% right, but please note the use of the word “feel” twice – LOL – at least I’m trying!!!



  300.  #300Starla on November 29, 2012 at 10:10 am

    296 FW, Tereana

    yes exactly! he’s not a villain! he’s a human.

    no i don’t expect him to wish me a happy birthday. honestly, my bday is two days before christmas and everyone gets so distracted, i don’t expect ANYONE to realize it’s my birthday and I haven’t expected this for a very very very long time.

    and for my birthday, my friend is taking me out:) which is very nice because no one ever makes plans for my birthday since they’re all distracted by xmas
    and i’ll probably go to the spa! hehe



  301.  #301Smile on November 29, 2012 at 10:12 am

    I’m feeling put off responding to a wink. The guy seems great, but he definitely does not want children and I definitely do!!

    I know were not at that point yet lol but it feels like a waste of energy knowing we don’t want the same things.

    It would feel great to know what other sirens do?



  302.  #302Starla on November 29, 2012 at 10:12 am

    nice feeling messages calypso



  303.  #303Calypso on November 29, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Thanks for the encouragement, Starla!!!

    I FEEL the need to see him soon – LOL



  304.  #304Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Calypso 🙂



  305.  #305Smile on November 29, 2012 at 10:16 am

    FW! Aw yes, that’s it!



  306.  #306Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 10:18 am

    Smile you are aware of your non-negotiables and I am not the one to encourage anyone to walk into a barrage of bullets. Yet winking back at someone is just a wink.



  307.  #307Smile on November 29, 2012 at 10:19 am

    I have a LOT to learn about online dating! I feel a little lost!

    I feel panicked like if I don’t respond I’ll miss my chance. I like the guys who email over wink at the minute.

    Also what to email!

    I feel like responding to the ones Im not as interested in for practise.



  308.  #308Starla on November 29, 2012 at 10:19 am

    ooh i say forget that need to see him, calypso. keep up the FMs and he’ll be tryin like hell to see you soon.



  309.  #309Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 10:20 am

    GM seems like a deflector/resistor. Maybe the energy between you two, with him leaning back, might be what the pull towards him is about? Remember the subtle energy thing.



  310.  #310Calypso on November 29, 2012 at 10:21 am

    You think so? That makes me feel giggly . . .



  311.  #311Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 10:22 am


  312.  #312Starla on November 29, 2012 at 10:23 am

    yes i really think so

    and i think you need to think of him in terms of someone to have fun-feeling banter with that makes you feel good, and NOT as someone to win over or remind them that you’re thinking of them.

    you’re the prize



  313.  #313Calypso on November 29, 2012 at 10:24 am

    FW – could be, but when he was full on coming at me, i never felt like running, or leaning back or doing anything except meeting him half way. We were like magnets – pulled together, then thrown apart, then pulled together, then . . .



  314.  #314Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 10:24 am

    I feel panicked like if I don’t respond I’ll miss my chance – This seems like a lack mentality playing with your emotions. blahblahblah It is about fun.



  315.  #315Calypso on November 29, 2012 at 10:27 am

    I will need a distraction to get me through my 3 day weekend if I’m not going to try to see him . . . I have not seenhim since I met JC – almost 3 months . . . whew – I am strong. I can do it. I am the prize . . .

    Maybe I can wait for him to contact me againa nd then use FM’s some more – I will try, but no promises – Lol



  316.  #316Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 10:28 am

    RE 312 sounds good to me Calypso though he might have wanted to be giving more than half, though unconsciously.



  317.  #317Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Calypso: If you don’t let him contact you first, you’ll never know if he would have.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  318.  #318Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Calypso you only need to promise yourself to respect and love yourself enough to inspire others to respect and love you.



  319.  #319Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Two big thumbs up for comment 317! 🙂



  320.  #320Rori Raye on November 29, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Modern Me – You get to choose what you want. Fantastic, passionate sexual and emotional experiences with “lovers” – and I KNOW you can find more of those like this man, if that’s ALL you want. OR a real, multidimensional relationship with a man who’s crazy about you – but, who – because of your attraction to toxic men – you don’t find all that much chemistry with (now…).

    Those are your choices, because of what’s going on inside you. A nice, middle ground with a good man who loves you and who you are attracted to – that happens with PRACTICE. That’s what Circular Dating is for – to HEAL you!

    You are picking and choosing based on your psychology and habit – and how you proceed now is up to you. I would opt to NOT suffer – and to either be easy going about passion and lovers going in and out of my life (or perhaps polyamory), or work your way through men until you can find the parts of yourself that want a long-term partnership. Love, Rori



  321.  #321Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 10:35 am

    this is not ideal.

    I’m finding myself “pretending” to be happy, just out in life, when I feel like falling apart inside, just because I don’t feel like “the outsiders” can handle me falling apart and because I don’t have TIME to fall apart. (and we all know, it takes time…)

    what if I was to be truthful, authentic?

    “How are you?”

    “I don’t know how I am. I don’t actually want to be here, in this public place, in front of all these people, who don’t know me or care about me, where I feel like a number.

    I feel so incredibly sad, that I feel like its this depth I’ll never get out of, but I’m fighting the sadness with everything I have in me, and you have no idea how difficult it is for me to just be standing here answering your run-of-the-mill question.

    because truthfully, I feel like falling apart.

    I feel lost and scared and untouched and misunderstood.

    I feel like I have so much potential, and I have no idea how to tap into it.

    and I just want to be held and soothed and accepted because I haven’t felt that in such a long time, I feel like I’m starving for it, that I might die without it.

    That’s how I really am…”



  322.  #322Linda on November 29, 2012 at 10:35 am

    254 .. love this Mercedes I feel pretty much the same as you do about leaning back.

    267… Terena Exactly!… I have three lovely men in my CD rotation right now. I am encountering what your wrote about. They are not practice, but men with feelings and whether we choose to acknowledge it or not when we go out on a date with a man we have interest in it is the beginning of a relationship whether it continues or not. The things they say, do, share are real and I do not disrespect that or treat it as unimportant.

    I have developed feelings on different levels for each of these men which feels a bit risky but it happened before I knew it. I enjoy time with each of them. The only thing that I “practice is some of the tools. Really that is where I am growing” .

    I do not want to toy with anyone.. I feel if I do that then I will be toyed with. That feels really bad and I wont do that to someone. I recently had a sometime text me CDfrom my recent past ask me if I would like to go out to a nice dinner sometime soon. I have NO romantic interest in him.. so my response was “I would enjoy a nice dinner with you. I do feel the need to tell you that I feel no romantic interest and if you want to retract your offer I certainly understand”…. I have not heard a peep from him. He is a great man too with feelings… and I was not going to lead him on… I want to be a woman of integrity too! I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror if I was not.

    The CD that I really have a very strong chemistry and attraction to… I just told that unless we were head toward the same goal and on the same page, I could not continue seeing him or have a carefree unattached intimate relationship because I know that I am not emotionally built that way. He and I have had the most awesome chemistry and I know that I could fall head over heals for him (which I plainly told him) and that I find my thoughts drifting toward him and feelings of wanting “more with him”..(which I plainly told him too)…I also told him that I have this pang of nausia roll over me when I see he is online the dating site which lets me know that I am begining to have more than casual feelings for him since my lovely time with him this past Monday. He said he understood and knows that we need to talk about it profile statuses etc.

    Now I stayed true to myself… stated my truth. Have given him opportunity to respond and his answer is his responsibility. I am prepared to walk away and invest. Whatever the decision is I am paying attention to my feelings and remaining authentic.

    IF he says he is not going to take down his profile then I cant see him any longer. Simple… end of it.
    This is the benefit of CDing for me. I am not all wrapped up in one man… but am willing to go there if the feeling and investment is mutual.

    May not be a true Rori way.. but this is where I am comfortable right now. Geez… a year ago I would never have dated more than one man at once and invested and overfunctioned! Wow I feel like I have grown but just starting too!



  323.  #323Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Ummmm….318 now…FW. LOL! Rori changed up the numbers with adding in from moderation and it looks like I like my own comment…which I do, but still….

    haha!



  324.  #324Calypso on November 29, 2012 at 10:40 am

    316 FW – Yes, I thought of that afterward – I should have let him chase me!

    Mercedes – he will absolutely contact me. We have been doing this dance a long time. I just don’t know how soon and can’t guarantee myself that I will wait patiently, although sometimes I do very well with it. I just need to sink into doing somethign for myself this weekend. Maybe decorate the house for Christmas . . . 2 weeks from today i will be at Parris Island with all 3 of my sons for Family Day at Boot Camp and then I get to bring my new Marine home for a visit. I will take pleasure in cleaning and decorating the house knowing how much he has missed home.

    I can also practice feeling messages on FB if I really need to feel like I am in contact with GM – he checks it daily, so sometimes I get by with just knowing he is reading what I post…. quick fix for me 🙂 without actually contacting him.



  325.  #325Calypso on November 29, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Mercedes – LOL – I wondered about that!!! 🙂



  326.  #326Starla on November 29, 2012 at 10:41 am

    321 lama
    if one of my friends or even acquaintances answered my “how are you?” like that when i ran into them, i would feel instantly connected to them and like “wow this is a real person…”



  327.  #327Starla on November 29, 2012 at 10:44 am

    i mean, i would just pick and choose one or two authentic fms about how i’m feeling. i wouldn’t go on about it.



  328.  #328Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Hi Modern me



  329.  #329Smile on November 29, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Aw a man just sent me a message.

    Him: WOW, what a wonderfully positive profile. I would love to meet you.

    Im going to reply…
    Aw thank you, your message lifted me up then. It felt great to receive. I am open to meeting and would feel more comfortable getting to know you more via email.
    🙂



  330.  #330Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Too much, I would make it shorter.



  331.  #331Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Aw thank you, I feel open to meeting after getting to know you more via email.



  332.  #332Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Thanks, Starla. You’re so sweet.

    I feel heard, and sooooooo guilty for my sad/insecure/lost feelings.

    I really want to shift my vibe…

    My roommate’s mom is in town. She has a great personality. Lively, bubbly, happy.

    She’s a stay-at-home wife, and she loves her job, and she really does work hard in the home, cooking, cleaning, organizing, crafting, and making the home a beautiful place.

    She has cleaned and organized and scrubbed our apartment so that it like, literally sparkles.

    Not that it was necessarily “dirty” before, it just looked “lived in,” and honestly that’s the way I prefer it.

    now everything looks…empty.

    and like it’s just waiting to be messed up.

    and I feel guilty for all the cleaning she did.

    it makes me feel dirty, inadequate, not good enough.

    and I feel jealous that she has all these domestic skills, and I just…don’t.

    I wasn’t trained for that, and the attempts at things like that make me feel lousy and inadequate and NOT like a woman.

    and it makes me feel angry that this is what is expected of me as a woman.

    but then, I’m thinking, do men feel angry at what they are “expected” to do, as far as pursuing, initiating, wooing, etc?

    or are all these things things that naturally mature men and women do?

    and I’m just not?
    and the guys that I attract are just…not?



  333.  #333Calypso on November 29, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Wow – I went ahead and re-activated my POF profile a little while ago – Just to give me some more options to practice FM’s and get my toe back in the water and already I have 2 new emails – both from great looking men!

    One is 10 years younger than me and super HOT – his email said, “Get together?” lol . . . i just replied, “Sure . . .”

    WTH – I’ll meet him somewhere and enjoy myself for a while…. Not tonight tho . . . I’ll have to talk with him a bit to be sure . . . and meet him somewhere in town, in public and let my sons know where/when – i know the drill. It’s fun tho – to start fresh. I like being single. If i can’t be with GM (Or someone who makes me feel the way he does), then I just want to date – nothing serious.



  334.  #334Emerson on November 29, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Iamabutterfly
    We all have our own unique domestic skills.
    I feel best when I don’t compare myself to others and instead focus on my natural God given talents.
    I’m certain you have skills and abilities that are unique and amazing.



  335.  #335Linda on November 29, 2012 at 11:13 am

    I feel anxious and like I want to lean forward with one of Cd’s. The one I am so attracted to. I want to talk now.. If he doesnt make a time for that then not making a choice is still a choice.

    I am saying this here as confession. I am leaning back and waiting. Feels really hard but I am making my masculine doing side be still. Gonna do something that I like and just let it go if I can. This feels HARD! I am on vacation for a few days and I would just love to be doing something yummy with one of CD’s. Ha!… maybe it will attract something wonderful to come to me instead of me going out and getting it. I hope!



  336.  #336Emerson on November 29, 2012 at 11:15 am

    I’m on a shopping fast. Trying not to shop. Lol



  337.  #337Emerson on November 29, 2012 at 11:16 am

    335 I feel like leaning forward with textcd but I’m resisting…



  338.  #338Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Thanks, Emerson!

    wow, I feel so whiney and annoyed with myself!

    Positive thoughts, positive thoughts…

    I love how REAL and HONEST my best friend is.
    I’m just like her in my REALNESS AND HONESTY.

    and I’m just like her in that regard!

    that’s a happy thought…:)



  339.  #339Starla on November 29, 2012 at 11:18 am

    hey Emerson! nice to see you:) I like the idea of a shopping fast. especially in this season when there’s so much commercial pressure to buy!



  340.  #340Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 11:43 am

    Before you get all confused with my last statement, let me clear up what flirting is all about. It’s the ability to elicit GOOD FEELINGS within a person, regardless of gender.

    Basically, the point of flirting is a basic desire to spread feel-good vibes among the people that you meet WITHOUT wanting anything in return (like a date or romantic attention!).

    http://www.loveromancerelationship.com/flirting-with-men-how-to-do-it-and-get-a-great-guy/



  341.  #341Calypso on November 29, 2012 at 11:46 am

    Well – new POF guy showed his true colors real fast . . . that’s the good thing about online – you can lean back and watch them implode if they are going to. I like that once someone emails you, can can block them at any time – very handly tool.

    Still was fun, but I remember now why I get tired of it so fast. Lots of nasty guys out there . . .



  342.  #342Starla on November 29, 2012 at 11:51 am

    i love to flirt. it feels super fun and i flirt with every body… men/women/children, etc



  343.  #343Starla on November 29, 2012 at 11:52 am

    calypso, yeah, they totally implode early on if they’re going to. like before you even talk on the phone or meet face to face…



  344.  #344Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Lama: Oh my gosh! I don’t have that domestic side either. And I was married to a man who had a Martha Stewart ability twin for a mother…and a sister in law!! Ugh! I spent YEARS feeling “different” or “less than”.

    Not anymore. This is how I am. When J asked me to move in he already had a lady coming to clean house for him every two weeks. I let him know that if he needed her before me, he was still going to need her after I moved in (not at all interested in becoming a maid for any grown man again)…we still have her. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  345.  #345Scarlet on November 29, 2012 at 11:58 am

    I find myself drafting texts to send to him asking for money he owes me, just to get a response – some contact. I haven’t sent any because what good would that do, just to get contact from him about a matter that is not about ‘us’ or his feelings for me? Or, I would feel worse if I don’t get a response at all.

    Oh God, why am I pining for a man who treats me with such neglect?

    I feel grateful I’m seeing my psychologist today. And I am so desperate for some hint that there is something good for me on the horizon that I’m seeing a psychic tomorrow. If she tells me there’s nothing……………….. let’s not go there just yet!



  346.  #346Calypso on November 29, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Starla – I’m a huge flirter too . . . I flirt with everyone – even in the nursing home when I visit with my mom – she is the same way – we get lots of people smiling and laughing . . . she is 76 years old and when I take her out for girl’s night, she is the biggest flirt in the place – all the bar tenders love her! I always think, that will be me someday – lol



  347.  #347Starla on November 29, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Scarlet, I LOVE my therapist. I’m glad you have someone to talk to on days like this!



  348.  #348Starla on November 29, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    i also love my psychic:)



  349.  #349Starla on November 29, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    but of COURSE there are good things on the horizon for you. don’t have to be a psychic to know that!



  350.  #350janie baby on November 29, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    I feel sad these past few days.Last night he came over and was tired so he said he was just going to relax. he was watching tv on his computer while i was studying for an exam. I just wanted some affection but he kissed me just a few times and kept watching tv. i felt unimportant. so then, i said i was sad and would like to talk soon to better our relationship. and he’s like “well right now i want to relax” “we can talk on saturday instead of ice skating” and i said “well no i want to have fun… we can talk and have fun. i don’t see what’s so bad” he said “well everytime we talk you start crying and it turns into a drama” and i was like”well obvioiusly you dont want to fix our relationship” and he says “no. its just better we talk about it in a few weeks when finals are over.” this just makes me feel like he’s prolonging something and hiding something from me. and does not feel good. i really want to strengthen our relationship so i can feel safe and close to him. i miss when we were soo close and i did not doubt he loved me. i just dont know how to say i need more affection and physical intimacy. i feel scared to make him think he’s a failure sexually, etcetera. I know he’s capable because he was soo affectionate and loving with me for sooo long. I don’t know what to do. Mercedes, I read how you turned around things with your man. How do you do this? I don’t know when to walk away or what. It just feels soo brotherly sisterly platonic from his part and I WANT ROMANCE.



  351.  #351janie baby on November 29, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    (((Scarlet)))



  352.  #352Scarlet on November 29, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Thanks Starla, but I have spent years really believing there was something good on the horizon for me, (I mean a partner) and I don’t seem to be any better off than I was 13 years ago when my marriage ended. Sorry to sound negative, but I’m scared there really is nothing for me.

    You obviously don’t think it’s a desperate measure to see a psychic then. You know what, even if she gives me some hope, that might be enough to shift my vibe a bit.



  353.  #353Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    @217 Miss Stix – Due to my extreme self-absorbtion, I somehow skipped over the posts about your pain. Before you do ANYTHING drastic, do yourself a favor and research Upper Cervical Care.

    It’s an alternative form of health care, not covered by insurance unfortunately, but at the most it’s a few hundred dollars, and I recently found a clinic where with their specials, you can get it done for $50!!!

    and it’s life changing!

    I used to have the SAME EXACT PROBLEM you did, and when I had the quick, easy, painless, surgery-free procedure done, I felt so moved and teary and relieved that I must have thanked God 100,000 times, because I had been suffering with it for years.

    They’ll take some x-rays, see if you’d benefit from the procedure, and if you do, all they do is use electromagnetic waves through a pointed clicker on your neck.

    Depending on the severity of your head/neck mis-alignment, you could easily go home that day.

    I did!

    and my life has been a lot better!

    actually, I should probably get screened again, as it can fix things like DEPRESSION.

    start here: http://uppercervicalcare.com/

    Good luck. Hope you get to feeling better.



  354.  #354janie baby on November 29, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    Iamabutterfly: I don’t know if i ever responded, but i loved your post directed to me on the other thread!
    Thank you so much 🙂



  355.  #355Starla on November 29, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    no scarlet, it’s not desperate:) no more desperate than talking to a pastor or rabbi:)



  356.  #356Starla on November 29, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    it’s just a sign that you want things to change and you’re willing to go where you need to in order to do this, whether it’s a psychic or a therapist or a gym or a nutritionist, etc.

    things will change the SECOND you decide they’re going to.

    we’re practicing daily meditation and visualization here lately… maybe you should join us in this!



  357.  #357Sirenity on November 29, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    Gotta go to work , but SMB I am feel totally thrilled to read about your date!!!!
    Once I started dating I realised that it gives the man great pleasure to take a lady out and buy a meal for her, to treat her like a lady . It really gives them a buzz quite separate to any ongoing intention.

    But your date wiil be back , you bet . Mind you he will soon learn that you may be booked up if he doesnt make plans early 🙂



  358.  #358Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    @354 Janie Baby – awww, that feels great to hear, Janie Baby.

    Having a needy, clingy-kind-of-day, myself.

    I think I need to take my own advice! 🙂



  359.  #359Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Mercedes! I swear, you are seriously an angel to me! Thank you so much for your compassion and empathy!



  360.  #360Scarlet on November 29, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Thanks Starla,

    I guess you’re right – it’s no different to all sorts of people and things that others find hope in. I am a spiritual person and I do believe in the universe and how we all share its energy.

    I will be sure to let you know how it goes.



  361.  #361Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Feels like “Someone up there” is routing for me, knows I’m trying, knows I want to be positive and happy, even though it’s a little hard right now.

    and I can feel “people down here” routing for me too.

    and that feels great.

    wow, I feel happy tears…



  362.  #362Tam on November 29, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Feels like everytime there is a little light at the end of my tunnel it turns out to be a train. Whether it’s my love life, social life, professional life or financial health. It’s hard keeping positive when things seemingly go from bad to worse. This has bern ongoing for years now. I can’t wait to get out of the funk. At the end of my wits, constantly trying to better myself, work more, make more friends, be a better person…the more I do the less I achieve.
    I feel so tired of struggling.
    Whenever there is a good moment it isso fleeting and the punishment for a little happiness is just around the corner.
    It wasn’t always like this. I wonder what happened? So strange.



  363.  #363Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Janie Baby – just dont know how to say i need more affection and physical intimacy.

    I miss feeling close to you, I need more affection and physical intimacy

    I want to talk makes most men run for the hills. It translates “I am in trouble”.



  364.  #364Violette on November 29, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    Ugh, I have a date with a man I really like tonight and I’m freaked out. He’s cooking me dinner and I don’t have the strength to request going out instead because it sounds so nice to be cooked for, but I do want to talk to him about sexual exclusivity, and I’m nervous. Being near someone I like is so uncomfortable. I’m grateful I have another man I’m dating and that I have some parties this weekend where I can flirt and not get hung up on him…it’s all a process. I am learning.
    Thank you all for sharing the journey with me! I know I’ll have a great time tonight and learn new relationship skills.



  365.  #365Tam on November 29, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    It felt so nice to be held tightly for just an hour last night. It felt like love. And then ‘poof’.
    I don’t need it anymore.



  366.  #366Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Yeah…Janie Baby…I did go for a time missing all of that stuff. I actually did it by leaning back and not by asking him to talk about it. We did talk about it (particularly the day I said “I feel lonely”…he didn’t like that word at all. I think it really touched his heart. So do the words “I miss you” or “I miss us”…because they don’t understand really how that could be when they’re right in the same room).

    Anyway…I leaned back and really started taking care of myself. I would come in and walk right through him (past him, but I imagined myself walking ‘through’ him so he could feel me…like a ghost or a breeze or something like that) and go run a hot bubble bath or fix myself something to eat in the kitchen. I stopped getting up to greet him when he came home. I stopped sitting next to him on the couch while he played video games all night. In a word, I was a lot less available…mostly meaning I wasn’t physically in the same room with him much of the time. And I didn’t announce what I was doing before I did it. No “I’m going to take a long bath” or “I’ll be in the kitchen for a bit”. Nothing like that. I just DID it.

    Oh…and I went out sometimes without him too. I took a class he wasn’t invited to. I even met with a man (who is now both of our friends) for coffee after class one time (that one bothered him a LOT).

    Anyway…he started to realize I wasn’t around so much anymore. He, I think, started to miss me too. He was so used to playing video games or doing whatever with me right there on the couch next to him that he wasn’t at all missing any of that physical contact. I was RIGHT THERE.

    It took some time (and it hurt for a while) but he started coming to see if I was okay. Or he’d come in just to see what I was doing. Sometimes to give me a kiss or a hug. Most of the time he would ask me if I was okay. I was able to honestly say yes…I was okay…I was actually getting stronger and stronger every day. I was learning to love being with ME. I would sometimes say things like “I just miss the affection and it’s hard to sit on the couch while you’re so focused on your game so I’d rather be in here reading (emailing, chatting with friends online, giving myself a facial, whatever it was I was doing…).

    He came around slowly but he came around. We didn’t spend months in other rooms…but it sure felt like it for a while there.

    I don’t always know how to explain what it was like back then or what I ‘did’. I think it’s more about what I ‘didn’t do’ because I was soooo lonely. I really had no choice but to put a total and complete focus on ME. I learned so much about myself during that time. I learned to go deeper into my meditation. I learned a much better yoga practice. I read a lot. 🙂 I refocused on eating right and would go for walks or a swim. I spent some quality time ALONE. Not by choice, but it doesn’t matter why…

    Basically, I completely stopped giving him any attention but I openly and warmly returned ALL attention he gave me. When he would come to me, I would immediately stop whatever I was doing and accept the kiss or the conversation or whatever it was he was offering me. I did it warmly.

    When a guy uses the word “drama”, in my experience, that’s a big one. Guys tend to (again…still from my experience only), hate any form of drama. They are not comfortable with it and they will run from it or avoid talking because they are afraid of it.

    I gave J no drama. If he asked me “what’s wrong” or “are you okay”, I answered honestly. “I’m enjoying my bath because I don’t want to sit and watch you play video games tonight” or “I’m so lonely and it’s easier to be lonely when I’m physically alone than it is in the same room with you.” or “I’m doing whatever I can to make my skin feel soft and good right now” or “I absolutely LOVE this class and I’m meeting some really interesting and fun people”…whatever it was in the moment. No drama but all truth and honesty.

    I don’t know if I really thought it was going to change anything, but I did feel much, much better when I wasn’t in the same room as him while craving his attention and affection. I preferred being in another room to that feeling. He started to miss me but it wasn’t because I was trying to make him miss me…I was just trying to feel better.

    Sometimes I would cry alone. Sometimes he caught me (when he would come looking for me)…either way was fine. I was being myself and he wasn’t being pulled into any of my drama…he was free to sit on the couch night after night after night and be nowhere NEAR my drama. He instead chose to come find me.

    Not a ‘quick fix’ but he learned a lot about my needs (and my ability to take care of myself with or without him) and today, he’s very in tuned with who I am and what I need from a relationship. Any hint of leaning back and he’s chasing me down. I don’t think he liked that part of our lives any more than I did. But we were getting to know each other back then.

    I don’t know if that helps at all. I sure wrote a lot…sorry…not the quick easy answer I thought it would be. lol

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  367.  #367Starla on November 29, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    scarlet, great, i look forward to hearing about it:D



  368.  #368Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    spamming with happy thoughts…

    Mercedes, I love the “wear lip gloss” suggestion. 🙂

    I nearly always do, and it does make me feel more confident! I love colors that are slightly darker than the shade of my lips. The Body Shop’s Hi shine lip gloss in Mauve Dream is my absolute favorite. 🙂

    http://lh3.ggpht.com/_VIA2SA6Q7-8/S84arFa4-vI/AAAAAAAAAhY/x2Trz5FofjI/IMG_0061%5B3%5D.jpg

    I also bought a fairly inexpensive hair serum that smells amazing and makes my hair look really shiny and healthy. Wore it. Felt pretty great.

    I feel I did really well socially, in spite of the slight anxiety from seeing SMC.

    I feel proud of that…:)



  369.  #369Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Lama: You SHOULD feel proud of that! Isn’t it amazing though how a great lip gloss or some sexy panties or a pair of super cool high heels can change everything? 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  370.  #370Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    Mercedes I bought red tights yesterday as well as black with glitter. Haven’t worn red ones in a while and have been recently feeling like going back to those days,.



  371.  #371Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    Just read what I wrote. LOL. I want to be clear, I walked through him. Like a ghost or a breeze. I did not stomp through him like a storm raging through to go be all mad by myself. haha!

    Sorry…just the visual of walking through vs stomping through struck me as a little funny but also made me realize how simply the WAY I walked could have changed that entire outcome.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  372.  #372Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    FW: I want some of those!!! I think I’ll go back to those days with you if you don’t mind the company… 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  373.  #373Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Getting paid tomorrow.
    Going to clean the only part of the apt that isn’t clean tonight (my room), and decorate the condo for Christmas tomorrow.

    White twinkle lights, evergreen trimmings, and red paper bows. 🙂

    Happy thoughts…



  374.  #374Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    I just feel lonely and I feel like you don’t care about me anymore or something…



  375.  #375Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    would that be okay to say?



  376.  #376Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    I just feel so confused. I always feel like this when I care about a guy, and have no idea what’s he’s thinking about “us.”

    I always feel scared and angry, even if he’s sitting there smiling at me like I’m the most beautiful creature in the world…



  377.  #377Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Mercedes, I seriously did EXACTLY what you did with Jack CD.

    and I could tell he missed me, but I just felt angry when he came back around…



  378.  #378Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    I feel like you don’t care about me anymore or something…- this I believe is a thought judging the persons as being unable to provide. Men have a deep man subconscious need to succeed this area.



  379.  #379Starla on November 29, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    “I feel like you don’t care about me anymore or something…”

    i would tread very lightly with this one!



  380.  #380Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Iamabutterfly “No matter what their facade, intimidating people are human. Picture them in human situations and laugh. No one is better than you are, unless you make them so.”

    Think of him as scooby doo drooling for a treat or as him on stage in front of an audience with his pants down.



  381.  #381Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    “I feel like you just don’t care about me anymore or something” – This will more than likely, in a man’s head, translate into “You treat me like you don’t even care about me anymore.” I would completely skip that part.

    Lama: I was really, really open when J would come around. Why be angry when he comes around? Anger is when he’s NOT around and that’s when you’re doing things to feel good so you can release some of that anger. When he sees the need and he comes and finds you, that’s the time to enjoy the attention. Otherwise, the leaning back feels more like trying to get him to come around so you can tell him how angry you are.

    The leaning back should really be about moving yourself out of a situation that doesn’t feel good and into doing something that DOES feel good. Then, you’re able to be warm and open when he shows up. Showing a man (by being open) that when he comes around it will be a GOOD thing will inspire him to come around a lot more…I think.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  382.  #382Smile on November 29, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Thank you for you help FW! I wrote the shorter message.



  383.  #383Smile on November 29, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    Tonight I spoke to 3 guys online.

    I feel so proud of how far I have come on my own little journey.

    Now my energy feels all about meeting someone new. Feels a bit relieving to have my focus shifted of strummingman.

    I feel like I’ve just turned the next page!



  384.  #384Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    Where you spend your time emotionally and energetically is what you will attract. Focus on the problem and more problems will be created.



  385.  #385Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    Things always work out for me.



  386.  #386Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Bob Doyle plays the ukulele



  387.  #387Mel on November 29, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Smile,

    I take a guy’s “wink” in an online dating environment to be equivalent to a smile in real life. Guys use it to test the waters to see if there is any interest before they risk putting themselves out there.

    Like if a guy were to smile at you while you stood in line at the café, and you smiled back, he would feel more comfortable starting up a conversation. But if he smiles and you turn the other way, he doesn’t bother.

    When guys wink, if you’re interested… wink back. Often they will reply with a nice email.



  388.  #388Smile on November 29, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Aw thank you Mel. I feel much more relaxed now. A wink is just a wink. Like a smile is just a smile 



  389.  #389Smile on November 29, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    He he, lots of men have saved me to their favourites. I feel super smiley!



  390.  #390Starla on November 29, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    yay it’s mel:)



  391.  #391Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    @381 Mercedes – Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate it, and know it on a logical level.

    *crying pretty hard right now. really deep sad tears*

    This has been a really hard pattern for me to break.

    This is the first time that I’ve let someone get anywhere near me using Rori’s tools, and it’s the first time I’ve gotten “so far” with a guy. (which really isn’t that far at all.)

    it IS, however, the first time I’ve shared anything about negative emotions with a guy and have had him come closer as a result.

    I’m nearly 28 years old and I’ve never called a guy
    my boyfriend.

    I’ve had lots of guy friends; and had maybe four “almost relationships” since I was 18.

    I can count the number of actual dates I’ve been on, on two hands.

    It always gets to this point where I feel confused, scared, and angry.

    Usually, I freeze up and get really sad and avoidant for a year, and then I heal, and start the painful cycle all over again.

    as far as “CDing” goes, this past couple of years or so, I’ve been just to “stay open” to a variety of men and not get too stuck on just one, but hardly any actual dating has happened.

    I feel really humiliated about this…

    I honestly feel really scared when men show attraction towards me.

    my brain automatically shouts “He’s going to hurt you!” but only if I feel a mutual attraction.

    If I don’t feel attraction, I feel fine…



  392.  #392Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    Mercedes, I know it doesn’t make any sense, but the happier the guy seems to be when he sees me, the angrier I feel.

    I know that makes absolutely no sense, but it’s my honest feelings that come up…



  393.  #393Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Annie, you know about those feelings he was rattling down? I didn’t actually say any of that…he was going into a rant assuming that was how I feld ‘mad, sad and bad or whatever he rattled down’ before I could even speak properly…..so I don’t know what that was all about, kind of a pre-emptive strike.
    Guilt? No idea.

    Well, my fears contributed a whole lot too, at some point of the evening I shut down and it was noticeable and yet I stuffed it all…same old, same old.
    He was trying hos best, I was trying my best – doesn’t work. Two frightened and protective rabbits don’t make a match.



  394.  #394Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    393..’don’t feel mad bad sad, you shouldn’t feel sad there is no reson to feel like that, all is fine bla bla.

    Before I had a chance to open my mouth properly.

    He was clearly expecting me to throw that out there, really weird….bizarre….I think he must have been mumbling this whilst hanging up my clothes and cleaning up the dishes…even more bizarre…I guess he was ‘fixing’….I would almost feel smiley about this if I wasn’t so bloody broken today.



  395.  #395Linda on November 29, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    Wow. I feel like I have hit a wall. I feel extremely BLUE. Tears rolling.

    I keep feeling like no matter what I do, how honest and authentic what I want eludes me. I feel rejected and unwanted. It would feel so nice to be made a priority by a man that I had interest in. It seems the only one that do that are the ones that I have absolutely no interest in at all. Settling for that kind of onesided interest make me feel icky and cringie.
    Siren today… I feel nothing like one. just a beat up little girl.



  396.  #396Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    Come to think of it, I did ‘really well’ in navigating the triggers by becoming a hyeana.
    MrP: ‘I have a friend who is my hero, he is in his late 30’s and goes out with 20 year olds and never pays anything’
    Me: ‘Hero? In my book that’s a tosser’
    MrP: ‘tosser?’
    Me: I-D-I-O-T, an idiot.

    Haha…well done me for crapping on unbeknown friends…

    MrP: ‘my neighbour has this beautiful wife, I mean she is really beautiful, I have to keep away from the house’
    Me: ‘omg, I heard this story a million times, do I have to hear it another million times’ (and it’s true, I have)
    MrP: ‘but she is! Anyway, he is getting into fights all the time when other men approach her. That’s the trouble with a beautiful wife. I had the same problem with my beautiful ex’.
    Me: ‘oh please’

    So much at me and the use of feeling messages.
    I think when the point of rage and triggering has reached, my attempt at using feeling messages falls all the way down the 16th floor balcony.
    So what.
    I got wound up and succumbed to the wound up-ness.

    Forgiveness to me, love to me!



  397.  #397Starla on November 29, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    ((((((((((Linda)))))))))))



  398.  #398Starla on November 29, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    tam that conversation sounds f*cking lame. i would be a lot more pissy than you.



  399.  #399Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    Now he’s sitting in the bloody chat programme all fecking day long (shoooo) and I have to close the tab and can’t see when my other friends are online because I don’t want to see him online – argh.
    So I deleted the number..at least that was easy and no temptation for texting or future drunk texting or telling him he is a crap lover (oh he got away with that one, lucky him)
    Go away.
    Go away.
    Get out of my life, pronto.
    And don’t come back.
    Shooo shooooo…do not invite me to go on the boat parade in two weeks time (as promised) thinking I forgot everything, do not contact me and do not lead me to temptation (is that from the bible?)…
    …’just turn around now, cause your not welcome anymore…lalalalala’



  400.  #400Dominique on November 29, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Iamabutterfly – 332 – I SO suck at cleaning, and I hate to do it, so I don’t. I also hate a dirty house, so I have a cleaning lady come in every two weeks, but it’s not quite enough, so sadly or happily, a rumpled look and sometimes dirtiness is what my house looks like. Oh well. It is what it is. 🙂

    xxoo



  401.  #401Popsicletoes53 on November 29, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Hey tam… Starla is right.. I thought your come backs were funny… but I think that guy is lame.. what man in his right mind would say something like that… oh.. well maybe he isn’t a man..he sounds like a pimply faced teenager..

    The more I think of it… I don’t think I know a man that would talk like that around a woman.. but what do I know huh? hahahaha

    Just hang in there girlfriend… love yourself.. and forgetabout it.. there is an A.H. born every minute…
    they are all around us…



  402.  #402Starla on November 29, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    i hate/suck at cleaning too 😀

    and i should probably find someone to clean my house every couple of weeks… it’s a 1 bedroom apartment so it shouldn’t cost toooo much



  403.  #403Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    398 Starla, he has a habit of throwing that stuff in to see when I crack, he loves to wind me up, he did that with me from day one which is why after our first date it took him two weeks to get another one, I cancelled everything – God only knows why I didn’t keep cancelling!!!!!…he doesn’t do it often nowadays but usually when we have been close or had a nice time…probably some sick way of creating distance, I dunno and I don’t care..Yesterday was just a lovely example of it, trying to create distance and p*ss me off. It worked alright….the stuff about the ex was classic too…unfortunately I had nothing at hand to throw at him, I probably would have. He knows what he’s doing, he is super intelligent.



  404.  #404Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    no more of that bs..it is a strange relief.



  405.  #405Starla on November 29, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    WarriorCD talked to me kind of like that about other women when we were on a hike, and I ended up dumping him two weeks later. It upset him terribly, but seriously… you gotta know better.



  406.  #406Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    401 Popsicletoes..hahaha…too funny, an AH born every minute – what a scary thought.
    More wrinkly faced than pimply faced, this one. Should know better at his age, never grew up…seems to think I would be a good mommy but a bad girlfriend…..I ego stroked and helped him enough…more than enough.
    I say: bye bye.



  407.  #407Linda on November 29, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Thanks Starla I need a hug really bad today

    I read your posts Mercedes and I feel happy for you.
    I feel some jealousy too. I want to be where you are with a man that is truely interested in me that I like and feel attraction to. How amazing it would feel to be chased down.

    My boundries and what I my needs are are not changing… I feel discouraged that I will ever find a man that really am attracted to will ever give a really sh*t. Yeah three high quality men in my CD rotation, none of which are stepping up really. it just feels bad and blue to me tonight

    Sorry, I just dont have anyone to talk to this is my only outlet.



  408.  #408Starla on November 29, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    I want to rename CF to QZ, because it’s gibberish and doesn’t mean anything. and because in my line of work, i am verifying the letters “cf” in that exact combination on statistical testing variables in a program i use

    and it sucks being triggered every 80 seconds at work lol



  409.  #409Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    405 Starla, yep. I got fooled because he stopped it for a while, put me on a pedestal and started praising me instead of the other women…well, guess what. Now he thought he had me he needed to remind me of all that crap again.
    Yes. I have my closure now. He was told.
    I am not retracting.



  410.  #410Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Do you run into QZ combinatons at work?



  411.  #411Dominique on November 29, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Iamabutterfly – 392 – Did you have any kind of association like this when you were growing up, what for most would feel like good feeling attention being associated with anger?

    Did someone lavish attention on you only to yank it away moments later?

    Do you find yourself associating love with being treated poorly, ignored, rejected even, so maybe you come after them?

    Anything like this resonate?

    xxoo



  412.  #412Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Tam I have to admit though about CCarter’s “the man in the story is him and the woman in the story is you” line. He says to tell stories as that is a powerful way to get messages across.



  413.  #413Popsicletoes53 on November 29, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    #400 Dominique… I also suck at keeping my own house clean but clean for other people for aliving… how stupid is that… I think I am brain damaged or something.. I am a stacker..and my rule to live by is “if you are going to need something tomorrow why put it up”? Makes sense to me… I keep my bathroom relatively clean and my kitchen but I junk up the rest of the house in fact my 2nd. bedroom is a junk room!!! Oh well..



  414.  #414Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    Tam I have to admit that caused me to think about CCarter’s storytelling tool.

    Correction



  415.  #415Dominique on November 29, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    Starla – SO worth it. If have to clean, grumpiness and tension set in right away. I don’t need nor want this.

    xxoo



  416.  #416Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    412..FW, I don’t understand…which story are you referring to?
    The guy getting into fights over the beautiful wife?



  417.  #417Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    Well, last time he told me her husband is trying his best to ‘keep her’ by saving up for weekend trips etc and whether I thought that would help the situation (as she has moved out before), so I said yes, I thought if he made an effort etc it would help the marriage…ha!
    He thinks the more beautiful a woman is the more likely she is to cheat/run/go away with another man/abandon the family.
    Draw the parallel: his mother was a beauty queen and left them all….
    Very predictable way of thinking when that is all you know.
    But that is the kind of woman he goes for, and wants.
    I ain’t no beauty queen, that much is for sure – and neither do I want to be. I am probably ‘too safe’ and don’t keep him off balance enough or whatever…yeah, psychology is a powerful tool..



  418.  #418Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    The part about the guy *having a beautiful wife*

    my neighbour has this beautiful wife, I mean she is really beautiful, I have to keep away from the house’

    The neighbor might be him in his mind and wife you.



  419.  #419Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    418. Yes, FW, spooky…very spooky. Probably right too…he keeps updating me on them…and he even said ‘well, if I was the guy, I wouldn’t be fighting, I am not much of a fighter, I am more one for standing in a corner and observing the situation’



  420.  #420Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    and he was asking me also about the English guy who was going to give me work and I explained to him that he wanted to date me and we had a bust up as I didn’t want that and hence my work is unsure also…(second job).
    Oh Jeez, he went into an interrogation:
    – why did I not want to go out with him?
    – what was wrong with him?
    – was he tall, short, slim, fat?
    – how did I meet him and where?
    He did not stop.
    And in the end I just said: look, I just didn’t feel it for him, simple.
    The barrage stopped.



  421.  #421Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    ..and then he said next time it happens, just tell the guys that you have a boyfriend.
    So I look at him with big eyes…like, shocked…and he immediately backtracks ‘well, not me, I am not your bf, I am just saying you could say that to get rid of them’

    and that was when I thought: that is the END.
    and as it turns out, it was.
    I was done in that little moment, done, done, done.



  422.  #422Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    The famous straw that broke the Tamel’s back.



  423.  #423Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    RE 420 Tam that sounds like brotherly love to me.



  424.  #424Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    Ok, my humour is coming back. I feel relieved.



  425.  #425Mercedes on November 29, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    Linda: It will happen for you. I didn’t think I’d ever have it either. I really had all but given up on finding love at all and then I thought J and I were special and found out differently…it wasn’t until I walked away that he realized he loved me.

    I was married to a man (had 2 children with him) who later told me he never actually “loved, loved me” but wanted a family and his friends all liked me so….

    yeah…

    I hardly dated at all really. Was so shy and insecure and overweight and….lots of stuff. I sort of “bloomed” in my early 20s and went crazy for a while and then decided to settle down (with the wrong man). Divorced. Dated (haha! That’s not exactly what I would call it…I was soooo out of practice) Met J. Had my heart broken. Found J again and now…here I am…in my 40s with the relationship I dream of.

    I never thought I would get here either. And now, I believe it for EVERYONE!!! The only real sucky part is that it doesn’t happen on our timelines and many times we have to hurt so, so much before we get here.

    But I do believe in lifelong happiness in solid relationships for everyone. Remember…law of attraction though…if you believe there are no good men out there, you will not attract good men.

    My two cents….

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  426.  #426Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    well, the rest of the evening didn’t much feel like brotherly love to me, let’s put it that way….



  427.  #427Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    Tam he sounds confused. The whole thing also sounds like misunderstanding.

    This might not resonate with most people here but I am sensing the symptoms of fear of intimacy. Your big eyes could have meant anything to him, including that he was presumptuously assuming that he is your boyfriend. This was an opportunity I believe to really open up and talk. The fear of intimacy might have prevented moving forward and talking things out.



  428.  #428Tam on November 29, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    I mean, brotherly love is all good and well, and so is friendship, but if he is constantly thinking os a way of ripping my clothes off, and me fluctuating between trying to stop him/going with the flow/trying to be just friends….well, it just isn’t going to work.
    The only reason why we can’t be friends is because he can’t keep his hands off me….because if I knew he wasn’t interested in me in that way. I wouldn’t have a problem…I could do the friendship, it’s him who sabotages it every time, him who wants more, him who gets jealous and freaks (text).
    I dunno. I am past this impossible situation.
    He wants a best friend with benefits, is attracted to me and can’t stand it when another man as much as sends me a text and so on…ermmm..it’s a kind of relationship by anything but label….??? And now I decided I need the label to quieten my own insecurities. He didn’t want to. Game over.



  429.  #429Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    Tam I would really go back into my body to see what was happening when this happened.

    “and then he said next time it happens, just tell the guys that you have a boyfriend.
    So I look at him with big eyes…like, shocked…and he immediately backtracks ‘well, not me, I am not your bf, I am just saying you could say that to get rid of them’

    and that was when I thought: that is the END.”

    He must have experienced your emotions and energy here.



  430.  #430Starla on November 29, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    “The only real sucky part is that it doesn’t happen on our timelines and many times we have to hurt so, so much before we get here.”

    so true



  431.  #431Tam on November 29, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    427..FW,,yes, you nailed it. It is fear of intimacy, and with the history I don’t blame the guy….and add to it my fear of intimacy and we are constantly dancing.
    I know that was the perfect opportunity for speaking, and I had already started to open my mouth and then he was so vehement..and waving hands ‘I am not your bf’, that I just retracted into my tortoise shell like I had been slapped. I couldn’t open my mouth anymore.



  432.  #432Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Tam try not to focus on the negatives and blaming him. Look at what you said about him can’t keep his hands off you. That is a big comment on attraction there, after two years. I believe you must be doing something right to have him this attracted



  433.  #433Starla on November 29, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    FW,

    I’ve run into QZ maybe 2x in six years.

    I’m going to run into combos of letters and numbers eventually… it’s just the nature of my work.



  434.  #434Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Tam “ouch” would have been fine.



  435.  #435Tam on November 29, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    Misunderstanding, I believe so too now but that’s what always happens.
    Now, I made it clear what I can and won’t tolerate so it’s all out there, no more misunderstanding:
    – I can’t be friends with someone I have feelings for
    – I can’t sleep with someone who does not want a relationship with me
    I made that clear now and let it go.



  436.  #436Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    Fantastic possible FM “that I just retracted into my tortoise shell like I had been slapped.”



  437.  #437Tam on November 29, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    too late FW, too late.



  438.  #438Tam on November 29, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    436 except in the tortoise shell I can’t speak authentically, I can only hiss like tortoises do when threatened 🙁



  439.  #439Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    What were your emotions, body language and tone like here *he was so vehement..and waving hands *.

    All these could be massive learning moments if you look back with wonder and curiosity to learn about yourself.



  440.  #440Tam on November 29, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    432…FW, if anything I feel that the attraction has grown rather than abated during the 2 years.



  441.  #441Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Never too late. It is likely to come up again with someone else.

    I had to laugh sorry but this came to me “I feel so angry I feel like hissing like a tortoise who has been threatened”.



  442.  #442Tam on November 29, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    he said a few months ago that he fantasizes about me constantly…hahaha…that was when I had the boundary around sex…



  443.  #443Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    Reminds if Rori’s interview with Charu as she talked about how her beloved could stir up the power of her anger like only he can. She said to celebrate that. Celebrate the power of your body and the power of the emotions it evinces.



  444.  #444Tam on November 29, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    439 FW I was actually just leaning back on the couch and listening to him…when he was talking about the ‘you could tell them you have a boyfriend’ stuff. I was quiet.



  445.  #445Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Yes but look at what was going on under the surface. That is likely what he was feeling. I would spend time and focus going back there and getting in touch with my inner child to see what she was experiencing then.



  446.  #446Tam on November 29, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    It looked like the ‘you can tell them you have a bf’ just slipped out and he was trying to make it go away quickly….
    And afterwards I was saying that it would feel bad to lie to other people about having a partner as they most likely would start to invite me with partner, especially in a work context, and that I would not want to tell lies about something so important.



  447.  #447Femininewoman on November 29, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    I believe I would be feeling like a vampire bat flying towards his neck to rip out his jugular



  448.  #448Tam on November 29, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    447 FW, yes, that probably summed up my feeling. Had I had a brick in my hand it would have been flying.



  449.  #449Tam on November 29, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Well, I have now assserted my boundaries, which are stronger than before, and kind of cut the chase off.

    It was a harsh thing to do at this stage as everything was still fresh, but I needed to do it for me, not for a result. I know full well he is going to run now and maybe that was what was needed.



  450.  #450Smile on November 29, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    I feel excited to be going on my first date tomorrow night!
    I feel good were meeting for a drink after work.
    Feel excited nervous.



  451.  #451Starla on November 29, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Okay, CF’s name is officially QZ

    I like how it’s just gibbrish that means nothing. It’s like rori’s static/gibbrish tool, where when your mind is racing/obsessing, to just think “ajkhdkajdsiqueiwuksajdkjszcxnxmzzzzzzzzz” and interrupt the thoughts.



  452.  #452Tam on November 29, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    I wonder why everything had been so much easier at the beginning of the year and what changed. I believe what changed was me having expectations…maybe.
    It wasn’t easy then either but there was more consistent contact, activities and things were kind of flowing…hmmm.



  453.  #453Tam on November 29, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    Suddenly I feel better and delusion has set in again
    ‘everything will be fine’
    Oh Tam, stop it already and keep riding.



  454.  #454Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    Rori has a gibberish tool?

    I don’t know how that works, but I do know that at one point, I was really messed up about a particular guy/situation (this was like 7 years ago), and I remember I would type out pages of gibberish to myself. I even sent a big long email of just random letters and numbers to my mom. And she basically wrote back, “I know how you feel.”

    I guess it worked!

    Although, I had so much going on in my mind/body at the time. Externally, I’m sure it looked like I was using no tools at all to take care of myself. But it’s kind of cool to see that I was! (even though it was hard to tell…)



  455.  #455Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    Here is a re-post from the last thread (written yesterday):

    I remembered the other part of my dialogue with SYG that I was going to share.

    It’s not a huge, major deal. But at some point during the conversation, he said, “I’ll get in touch with you soon.”

    I looked him straight in the eye, and said, “No, you won’t.”

    It wasn’t an accusation. It wasn’t a command. It was simply matter-of-fact, an observation.

    His saying it had absolutely nothing to do with what he was actually going to do.

    The saddest part of all this is that I was NEVER special to him. He liked me on the first night that we met. I felt sort of almost special then. Our next “date” was a day-trip that we planned together, though he did most of the work. Actually, it was more like a weekend. Probably it should have been a shorter, in order to keep it simple.

    But what I remember was that we had a really easy time in the car together. I never remember any time in my life when I have had such a good “road trip” with someone. family car rides were always excruciating. And later in life. I’ve found that I tend to get so stressed that I repeat the experience. But not with SYG. We had fun (I thought). Or at least I did.

    A few days later, he blew me off because a friend cooked him dinner, and I knew that something was wrong. He asked if that was “ok” and I said, of course not. We had plans. And then it became about me making him feel bad. Maybe I could have let it go. But even if I did, it still signified the same thing – he was easily distracted from me. I was the last thing on his plate. And of course that’s not how I want to feel with a man.

    I want to feel not just “special,” I want to feel like the most important, valuable, and worthwhile thing in his life. I want to be his Top Priority – always. And even if something else is important to him, he’ll consult with me first, because he values my happiness, and he pays attention to my feelings, knowing that what he does affects me.

    That time, way back then, was when I “knew” that SYG was not right for me. But then he tried to “make it up” to me, and I allowed him into my house. And immediately after that is when he gave me the “I’m not ready” speech, and that just made me angry.

    Ugh. I do not want to back into that. It’s okay. I’m safe. I’m alive. I’m here. It’s over. What’s done is done.

    Today, I sent back one small item that he had left at my house, and I removed him from facebook – blocked him, actually. And while I was at it, I blocked the other guy from saturday also. They are equal in my mind: two young, attractive, likeable (Indian) guys, who also aren’t the right guys for me…

    done and done.

    ~~~

    Caveat/follow-up: I actually do feel quite differently today. Things are moving and shifting around. And I got a fabulous new haircut! That makes everything better 🙂



  456.  #456Annie on November 29, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    Tam. Is a girlfriend really what you want to be?



  457.  #457Tam on November 29, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    Annie, yes. To start with.



  458.  #458Tam on November 29, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    for my own protection I would also need to see how that would work out before I would even be ready to think about anything else..



  459.  #459Tam on November 29, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    But no point even thinking about it as it isn’t on the cards with this man anyway. And now I pushed him away before we could really start things off again and that’s probably a blessing.



  460.  #460Siren Angel on November 29, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    (((Tereana)))



  461.  #461Scarlet on November 29, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    Tam
    362……I hear you girl!



  462.  #462LoveAlways on November 29, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    Hi Sirens:

    Today marks a 40 day 40 night step back and away from HScd. Complete no contact from me or with me. I’ve ramped up my degree of difficulty and it strikes me that he does not act like a man who wants to be with me. I have men crawling at my feet for pete’s sake! It’s time I started deserving what I want from the inside out. No more settling for what does not feel good to me. No more settling for less than total admiration. If I don’t hear from him anymore, then so be it. I know there will be ups and downs, but I’m worth it and I need to take control of this situation. He needs to understand I am not at his beck and call. He cannot force me into a kind of relationship I really don’t want. Holding me hostage with my own heart. The full moon has me emotional, but it’s okay, I’m riding the wave tonight. I’m sure I’ll be on another roller coaster swing in a few hours, but so be it.



  463.  #463LoveAlways on November 29, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    All of my CDs have dropped off the face of the earth this week.

    It feels good not to lean forward. I feel in control. I don’t feel helpless



  464.  #464Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    Thank you, Siren Angel!

    Janie Baby – from the last thread: I do Indian dancing in the Mission on Tuesday nights. Thursdays in Berkeley : )



  465.  #465Tam on November 29, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    My life is just about to get bizarre.

    My ex bf, the one who wanted to marry me, the one I dumped because MrP arrived back on the scene and fought for me, just called me out of the blue.
    OMG. He asked me to go boating because he knows it is my favourite thing and one of the kinds of things that pulled me away from him as he spent so much time at home.
    He just told me that he drives by my place every other day…and all sorts of stuff.
    Now, I am totally shocked that he re-appeared.
    He is a good man and he is able to do relationship, but we had some serious problems…that, had we spoken authentically most probably could have been attacked if not resolved.
    He was the only man who stood a chance and stood up to MrP, even literally.
    BUT the big BUT is that we had a chemical short lived thing going on and apart from attraction there wasn’t much else…and now I am wondering if this is going to put me straight between 2 men again and what I will do this time. Providing that MrP even comes back, because he has done a runner and upset me…hm

    I feel totally confused. But I am going to see exbf.



  466.  #466MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    Wow!

    Blog EXPLOSION!

    FW said some stuff I really liked and Mercedes too. lol (on break too little time to quote;) )

    Iamabutterfly, thank you thank you! I will look into that when I get home!!

    (((Tam)))

    (((Janie baby)))

    (((all sirens)))

    Awww now I can’t wait to get home. I want to read and absorb rather than just skim.



  467.  #467Tam on November 29, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    It’s no longer a one horse race and the champion stallion has gone awol….and if he finds out exbf is back on my case…he’ll either never appear again, or he will try to put a spanner in the works again.

    Exbf said he had found someone like me and when MrP said ‘there aren’t many like you’…it kind of sums the whole thing up. They are like night and day and the one time they met there were instant sparks of subliminal aggression and territory marking going on…and MrP practically ran from the place, dragging two unsuspecting friends along.

    Exbf always flirty and positive and outgoing and MrP brooding and serious and suspicious.
    Exbf always touchy and feely with women, also other women, MrP doesn’t touch anyone with a bargepole unless forced…and Exbf saying I love you in the first few weeks and MrP never even said that he liked me…it is like the biggest extremes ever.

    This is going to be interesting. And no, there aren’t many like me, it seems.



  468.  #468Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    Okay, I guess I’m still processing some if this, so I’m going to write more…

    I think I felt some peace in my heart when I finally realized where it “ended,” and I could take responsibility for my part in it. And in truth, when I’m really honest, I knew IN THE MOMENT that what I was about to do was non-productive. And yet I allowed myself to be seduced by the juicy emotions I was having into a knee-jerk response, rather than a calm, measured, sireny way.

    Honestly, when he “blew me off” that night, it didn’t have to be a big deal. Sure, I was a little bit pissed in the moment. I was disappointed. But it probably didn’t mean what I made it out to mean. I “decided” that it meant that I wasn’t important to him. But that’s not what he told me. I could have “showed” him my disappointed feelings much better by simply going home and staying silent, rather than texting back and making him feel bad. And that’s really the crux of it. Where I thought of it as “expressing myself,” really it was a firm of guilt-tripping. And if course, that is no good.

    I also “decided” that he was a “bad guy” and “no good for me,” based on that action. And yet, that might not have been true. There was another alternative.

    I could have “held on” to myself. I could have waited to react until a time when I was not feeling charged and diminished and upset. That would have been a more measured response. And that probably would have gotten his attention. By not “reacting” and getting upset and making him feel bad, he would have felt instead like I was a woman he could feel comfortable spending time with.

    So now, what the “knife in my heart” is not anything in particular that he did. It is the knowledge that I could have behaved differently. And maybe it wouldn’t have changed things. But what if it did?

    And what I know, too, is that he is NOT a bad person. And only was he ready and looking for a girlfriend. But he was just the type of nice guy that could have been a really good, easy person to be with.

    Now, I want you all to understand that the way that I am experiencing these thoughts is not that I am being hard in myself or “blaming” myself for everything. I am not omnipotent. Me had his part, it happened the way it did. That’s just true.

    But it’s helpful for me to look at this with a clear eye, and say “there” – that’s what I could have done differently. And that feels true in my heart.

    I feel friendliness toward myself, because a.) at least I observed myself at the time, and b.) at the time, I was doing the best I could with the (emotional) resources I had. I’ve already proved, to myself at least, that I have grown since then, and might have a more centered reaction in the same situation. And I did that exactly by my response to him telling me that he had a girlfriend.

    Does that make sense? I am not blaming myself. But I do like to see and know what I could have done better, so that I don’t make the same mistake next time when a good guy comes along. He was a really good guy. And the fact is that I did not treat him well or honor him for who he is/was. I was speaking and reacting selfishly, based on my own desires. And that was bad for relationship, even if I was “right” about “what he did.”



  469.  #469Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    *please excuse lots of typos in my last post. I am typing on my phone!*



  470.  #470Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    @411 Dominique – First of all, thank you so much for taking an interest in me. It feels very comforting.

    i feel really shaky and I’m crying right now. I’ve been feeling like this all day and I’m not sure why it’s coming out now.

    My best friend called me in the middle of my breakdown, and she just let me scream and cry and she just stayed with me on phone and told me she understood once I got it all out. I thank God for her. That’s a rare kind of friend.

    I feel really guilty saying this, but it is my perception.

    I feel like the majority of attention i got growing up was anger.

    I associate anger with love. It’s kind of the only way I understand it…

    that feels really wrong somehow.

    but it’s my truth.

    and I know how twisted and messed up it sounds.

    my parents aren’t bad people. they are wonderful people who are self-sacrificing, who stretch themselves out trying to help people.

    My mom had a lot of rage that i felt guilty and responsible for.

    i have a lot of rage too. I see her in me, and now that I understand, I feel a lot of forgiveness towards her.

    My Dad was just always so busy being Superman, you know. and he had a lot of anger too, and wasn’t given respect because my mom didn’t feel loved.

    so yeah…

    for me, anger = love.

    but most people don’t understand that…

    so i feel misunderstood, crazy, and lonely a lot of the time…

    This feels good though.

    i’ve kind of been grieving all day, in a way.

    I need to get it out so I can work on my big school project this weekend…

    thankful for the triggers.

    had a good long angry cry

    and feel such relief.

    it’s still coming out….but I’m home alone, so it’s safe to surrender to it…

    really thankful for that…



  471.  #471Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    it’s like I want love and security, but I don’t want love and security, because I associate love and security with anger and having those closest to me try to control me…or abandoning me.

    Over-control with Mom.
    Not enough attention from Dad.

    they tried their best.
    this is not their fault.
    I had it better than so many others.

    this is just my little wound that I’m slowly, slowly healing, and it’s going to be okay.

    It’s going to be okay.

    I will be happy.
    i will feel safe.
    Love can feel good.
    and it will, someday…



  472.  #472Goddess Lily on November 29, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    I feel grateful for my dog’s snoring. It makes me feel giggly and happy that she is here with me.



  473.  #473Goddess Lily on November 29, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    I went to a match mixer tonight. I invited two friends not on match. Three guys decided to dominate our table the whole time but it was still fun. I had asked one of my match CDs if he was going earlier. I was just feeling curious about meeting him. It seems it may have prompted him to ask for a real date. We are doing dinner and a movie tomorrow.



  474.  #474Iamabutterfly on November 29, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    @380 Feminine Woman – that felt really helpful and also made me smile really big. Thank you! 🙂



  475.  #475Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    The saddest part, to me, is that he could have loved me, and it might have been really pleasant and easy. If I had let him. If I had let it happen….

    *that* is really why my heart hurts



  476.  #476Indigo on November 29, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    Tam

    I haven’t had the time to catch up on every comment on the blog, because I’ve been so run off my feet with work, but I just wanted to encourage you, because I have loved a very similar man for the last 2 years.

    I can’t speak for MrP because I don’t know him, but my ex did an endless up and down pattern coming close and being warm and gentle and making a big effort for 2 weeks to a month, then turning on me and running for the hills and barricading himself for 3 or 4 months. And yes, during a significant portion of that time, we were committed to each other. I would think I was losing it, because there’d be times when he’d come to me and hold me close and just melt into me, burying his nose in my neck, and there’d be times when he’d slam the door in my face.

    There’d be times he’d say he loved me more than anyone he’d ever been with then there were times he’d say he didn’t love me.

    He could be staggeringly cold and harsh with his words, much like you have described MrP. He would claim to be a person of his word and integrity (and I knew him that way) but he would drop me at a moment’s notice with the most staggering coldness and self-absorption you’ve ever seen.

    I’d think I was going insane because I would simultaneously hold the deep heart conviction that he loved me, and the rational, logical thought that I had imagined the whole thing and made it up.

    I came to see this as a chronic fear of feeling. His reactions to small things were so acute and over-the-top, that I am sure that’s what it was. He couldn’t hide with me. He couldn’t turn off his feelings. His behaviour was desperate and angry attempts to shut off the feelings that wanted to come up.

    Like you, I feel compassion. He is most comfortable when everyone, family, friends, girlfriends, are kept at a distance.

    I want to write more about this but I have to go into work!

    ((((Tam)))) ((((me))))



  477.  #477Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    Tam!

    Finally I got my head out of my “stuff” and I read your post about Mr. P. Awful. Just awful.

    It sounded like you had a “feeling” about him on the last thread – when you compared him to my story and how you would feel. And this one sounds as bad or worse (not like it’s a comparison. It was *your* experience.)

    But that comment – that you should have sex with more guys because it will “relax you.” I hate that.

    Maybe guys think that, because it relaxes *them.* and maybe that works for some women. Clearly, he wasn’t thinking of anything else besides sex, and I’m so sorry…

    At least you get to move on now. You can sleep with whomever you want, and doesn’t have to be *him*.

    ((((Tam))))



  478.  #478Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    I keep having a vague urge to compose an email to SYG. But even as I write this, lots of voices in the back of my head (and in my gut) are chitter chattering like little birds. They’re all flustered, because they know it’s a terrible idea. OKay! okay! LOL. I’ll listen to you ; )

    But it’s fine, I’m just posting it here for further accountability. I’m not going to do it.

    The feeling or the idea of being “too much” is stopping me as well. I imagined myself doing it, and I was like – yeah, that would be “too much.” I put myself in his shoes, and it felt like – he’s in a different place. He doesn’t need to hear this. All this amazing information I’m getting? It’s for me. And the real kicker is that it all has a sense of “control.” I am trying to control something, though I don’t know what. I am trying to be “in control.” To be smart, to be cool. To have all the information and be “on top” of it.

    But during my dance class tonight, I had kind of an inspiration. Rather than keep trying to do things that will give me more ‘control,’ I can make an effort to do LESS things to get control. I can go the other way, and attempt to have LESS CONTROL over it all. That’s one way to “reverse the flow,” and it actually feels brilliant.

    Instead of trying to “get” something, or “do” something, or “have my say.” I am choosing not to. Even though I could.

    Again I wished that I had not responded to his text. It would have been an elegant enough response not to say anything at all. To simply stay silent and mail his thing back. And remove him from facebook. Disappear from his life. That would have said it all.

    Oh well. I did all those things. The text I sent back was minimal (though it felt like “control” as well.) And now I am choosing not to do anything else. I am choosing silence. So that I can listen. And what I hear in that silent space is Love.



  479.  #479MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 10:49 pm

    ohhhhhhhh ma gawd. Flopping down into my puffy fluffy big giant bed felt soooooooo goooooood. Ahhhhhh 🙂 It always feels refreshing to stay at my home now.Maybe we can have separate homes forever hehe meh. Won’t work for having kids.



  480.  #480Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    G-Lily – That is so cute about your dog! 🙂

    I love it when my kitty snores….

    I actually cancelled a date for this weekend. My friend had invited me to her place for a party, and it came before the date invitation, so I want to do that. I thought about changing the time of the meeting, but instead, I told the man that I just didn’t feel ready for a real date. I don’t. If I go out with him, then it will be “real.” And I’m not ready for that. I can’t pretend to do casual anymore when it’s not.

    It feels good to speak my truth…



  481.  #481MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 11:08 pm

    (((Tereana)))

    I did weeks worth of processing through letting go of control just recently. SO WORTH IT! 🙂



  482.  #482Tereana on November 29, 2012 at 11:45 pm

    Indigo – wow! Your description of your ex sounds like a classic emotional abuser. I’m so glad you are not with him now! There is no way that “feeling messages” would ever get you anywhere with a guy like that – just give him more information about how to manipulate those feelings. Ugh.

    And Tam, I keep thinking about your scene with Mr. P. also ugh. And whether he is an a-hole or not, the way that he treated you was just incredibly selfish. He probably never give you the relationship you want and deserve. And that’s too bad for him.

    I’ve been thinking of the “rejection is protection” line a lot today. Maybe it applies to your situation.

    But anyway, I just hope you are feeling better….



  483.  #483MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 11:51 pm

    I could have brought my journal home…Spacey brain.

    Calm and consistent love to me. Yum. Glorious!

    I think feelings are powerful indeed. I feel an urge to rein them all in. Can I get caught up in too much attention. I wonder…



  484.  #484MissStix on November 29, 2012 at 11:52 pm

    I have this feeling, like…I could draw whatever I desired. Freaky.



  485.  #485Janie Baby on November 29, 2012 at 11:58 pm

    Thank you Mercedes. Really appreciate your feedback. You seem very strong.

    I am like you Iamabutterfly. When I do lean back and he comes around, I feel angry because inside I’m thinking “YOU THINK YOU CAN IGNNORE ME FOR A DAY AND THEN COME AROUND 2 DAYS LATER!? AND EXPECtz mE TO COMMIT TO YOU” … I just don’t have patience. I want to have patience the way I used to….

    I feel anxious when he tells me “oh i’ll call you later at this time” and then “falls sleep” I get anxious because I worry about whether he’ll do something and I test him in my head. and I feel annoyed that I do this. Today we never said “oh i’ll call you” or etc.. so I feel more relaxed. Like I don’t have to worry. I just feel disrespected when he says he’ll call and doesn’t but then I feel like I’m caring too much cause with my friends I don’t care as much..

    I’m trying to find that place where I can lean back and not feel anger… but at hte same time, doesn’t Rori say we have to be authentic and share our feelings of anger??

    How does this work? I’m confused. Like how to express anger warmly? You know…



  486.  #486Smile on November 30, 2012 at 12:02 am

    This morning I am thankful for cream face wash, moisturiser and tooth paste. I feel fresh.



  487.  #487MissStix on November 30, 2012 at 12:05 am

    I feel giggly because that’s the secret…

    Just feel and believe you can draw anything you desire.

    Meh. Getting there is tricksy. Like capturing a mischievous little fairy in a glass jar and then enticing her to sit on your shoulder and forever romancing her to stay.



  488.  #488MissStix on November 30, 2012 at 12:08 am

    Janie baby

    You are staying because you expect you to stay.



  489.  #489MissStix on November 30, 2012 at 12:13 am

    Ohhh I never felt so much inner anger as when I was staying because I expected myself to. I couldn’t release it. Which may have served me in the long haul because I never barfed all my own stuff all over him until I was actually leaving. But I was bitter and deeply depressed that whole time.



  490.  #490MissStix on November 30, 2012 at 12:15 am

    I think men wonder why we stay and commit to them when we don’t appear to like them very much.



  491.  #491Daria on November 30, 2012 at 12:24 am

    Wow I just had a super fun date w an old cd that reappeared ill call him PimpCD.

    I feel so got by him and I did Not talk to him in feeling messages the whole time which was great practice cuz now I get what Rori says its all about my vibe. My vibe feels relaxed sensual because I’m in the Habit of speaking that way and because I’m in touch w by feelings now more.

    It fels so awesome and fun and he’s gona come get me tomorrow and he’s gonna Role play a fantasy of mine w me next week! Yay !

    And after this awesome time I get texted by Scorpio CD who I had been pining for but forgot all about now



  492.  #492Janie Baby on November 30, 2012 at 12:25 am

    Miss Stix : I’m confused by “You are staying because you expect you to stay.”

    Could you clarify?

    Thanks for the feedback!



  493.  #493MissStix on November 30, 2012 at 12:25 am

    Sorry I kinda led into that, but it wasn’t directed at anyone. Thinking out loud.



  494.  #494Daria on November 30, 2012 at 12:27 am

    I was still feelin rely sick and went out to meet him so I wouldn’t feel lonely, he took care of me abd got be everything I wanted, organic chicken soup, coconut water and opened the car door when i told him to.

    It feels fun to be direct in what I want a man to do and have the same vibe as a Feeling Mesaage ! Yay !



  495.  #495Janie Baby on November 30, 2012 at 12:28 am

    And yes it’s interesting. Whenever I’m ready to leave, I say everything I’m feeling and he comes back full force and I feel so connected and I feel so in love but I don’t want to break up with someone in order to connect each time. lol



  496.  #496Daria on November 30, 2012 at 12:28 am

    My voice is gone but we still talked hella much abd I felt helka attractive blowing my nose all over the place



  497.  #497Janie Baby on November 30, 2012 at 12:29 am

    Miss Stix: Oh it’s ok. I just feel curious!



  498.  #498MissStix on November 30, 2012 at 12:32 am

    Janie

    People can expect anything of us. We do everything we do, even for others, only because of our own expectations of ourselves. It is a good thing to internalize the knowledge that you don’t have to do anything at all. For anyone at all, other than yourself. Nor are you actually doing anything because anyone expects you to. You do everything you do because you expect yourself to do it. You may even be harboring deep resentment towards yourself for things you do. It is easy to project that onto others. Blame.