Is Fear About The Economy Affecting Your Relationship?

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Fear is the enemy of love. No doubt about it.

Our fear of losing ourselves, and his fear of losing himself. Our fear of being hurt, and his fear of being hurt. Our fear of being disrespected, his fear of being disrespected. Our fear of being alone, his fear of being committed forever and trapped.

And money has always had a part in this. For many, many years now, most women have not been able to consider themselves financially “taken care of” by a man.

While the traditional role of man as breadwinner has lived on in our emotions, in our romantic view of the world, in our hearts and minds and the way we see and feel about love, relationship and marriage – it hasn’t really been true in the REAL WORLD for a very long time.

Most of us have had to learn how to work, make a living, contribute to the family’s ability to function – sometimes even in just a survival way.

So, all my Rori Raye Tools can help us to use our Masculine Energy to take care of ourselves financially – and sometimes even get our entire families over financial “rough spots” – while still being able to BE in our Feminine Energy inside the RELATIONSHIP.

It’s all about “switching hats.” Going from “girl” to “boy” and back to “girl” again.

And – in order to DO that – we have to know that it’s not a game, not a strategy, not a return to the “50’s woman,” “Stepford Wife,” demure and deferring model that used to represent femininity.

Being in our Feminine Energy is for US.

It’s so that we can experience the FULL, amazing depth and breadth of both our accomplishment (Masculine) and our pleasure (Feminine). So we can play the entire “scale” of what it is to be a woman – from being able to think our way through organizing our lives and having meaningful and profitable work, to the exquisiteness of Feeling our way through our lives.

But – when things go off-kilter, everyone gets scared. You may have the perfect balance and the perfect relationship, and all of a sudden your man loses his job. Or his company is getting downsized and he’s afraid he’ll lose his job. Or his business is losing customers and clients. He’s worried. He’s depressed.

If you’re doing well financially – your company or your business is still doing fine, and you feel secure, then you’re in a difficult situation. All of a sudden, you’re the security blanket in the relationship. All of a sudden he’s looking to YOU for financial stability. And he doesn’t like it. It makes him feel worse. It makes him feel like less of a man.

And YOU don’t like it either. You feel like you didn’t “sign-on” for this. You didn’t sign on with a man and then end up having to take care of him in the financial area – the one place it’s most easy for us women to respect a man – because that’s where he respects himself most – his ability to provide. He’d like to provide for EVERYONE – but barely being able to provide for HIMSELF is just awful for him, and awful for us if we love him and want to stay in the relationship.

And if your job or your business is in danger, too, panic can set in. Everyone freezes.

So – what to do?

First – don’t make the mistake we women instinctively make. We try to HELP. And that will only make things worse. (The hard part is – we women are pretty smart, and it can make us crazy to know that if he’s just LISTEN to us, and do what we tell him to do – he’d be able to get a job or more clients and get back on his feet again).

Okay – so – if we don’t HELP – what do we do?

I’m going to jump off of your comments here and create a series on this – because there’s a lot of Tools to put in motion – most of all TALKING Tools.

We have to be able To TALK to our men, even in the worst of situations. We have to be able to get and stay emotionally intimate no matter WHAT’S going on, no matter what the problems are.

We have to find a way to find solutions WITH our man, not FOR him.

Let me know your situation, and then I’ll lay out ways to Talk “Business” like a “boy” and still be the “girl” in your relationship. It’s pretty advanced work – and it’s what we all need right now.

We have to work through fear TOGETHER with our men, instead of stuffing, pretending, trying to make things happen indirectly, and “helping.”

Love, Rori

8 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on October 8, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    hi…
    personally I have been dealing with this a lot as a I have lots of male friends (not dating just friends) that I grew up with… some of them were not very mature financially and I would try to help them by editing resumes, giving them rides to interviews, etc. They really seemed to appreciate this but I was worried it would be taking away from their “drive.” Also if I look back it didn’t seem to help that much.

    This particularly happened with my Godbrother when my Godsister “kicked him out” of the (government assisted) house they lived in with her and her mom since he did not have a job and wasn’t bringing in income. At the time I thought she was mean and wrong for not giving him more of a chance because he was obviously crazy about her and a loving father to their son. This is around the time I started reading your materials and realized that maybe this was the correct thing to do since he was not stepping up. He seems somewhat feminine energy although I may be projecting on him and really I guess not always so feminine energy… well I tried to help him find a job… he did get one on his own but that was temporary… now I really want to be able to motivate him and get him some skills and tips I know that I got from my own experiences finding work… after helping him with some things however I have been holding back and hoping he will do it on his own…now I feel kind of happy because in our last conversation he told me he might be getting one through an acquaintance, and I told him I want him to finish his education and that I can help him (I’m a tutor) or he can do it on his own… he said he will let me know if he wants my help (which is much better than before when he used to beg me for help on everything). So it seems his attitude at least has shifted but I feel worried that that is not enough. I want results LOL. I want him to be a good providing father to my Godson. He is still mad at my Godsister for kicking him out and dating other men… I believe some of this will change also if he becomes financially stronger.

    Well besides this long story I can think of several men I would like to motivate to complete their education and find work that makes them feel good. A lot of men seem to want my support for this… and I feel worried that that will not bring them anywhere since I want them also to be independent. But part of me does want to support them and also the recognition for it, especially since I am a tutor and also I would like to work in this domain of helping people finish their education and find work they enjoy.

    I also feel kind of desperate sometimes because I worry that if they do not find work quickly something bad will happen because they live in dangerous situations. So I feel like I may be the one to save them which feels kind of wrong as I don’t really want to do this I want them to do it on their own. But I guess I was raised that way, that is not to let ppl make their own mistakes but make sure they do the right thing regardless of what they want to do because the world is not very forgiving of mistakes. Altough honestly this has not been my experience and I have definitely made my share of mistakes. However I have also known people lose their life to violence due to poverty.



  2.  #2Linda on October 9, 2008 at 8:27 am

    Rori,
    Yes I can relate to this subject.. 4 years ago when I met my man, I made 3 times more money than he did. I was secure, and I contributed to the relationship finanicilly also.
    In the last 2 years, the picture is much different. I helped him become financilly more
    secure… long story…. and now its his turn .. and I cant help feel it makes me less attractive to him.. and certainly to my self.
    I have been leaning back… and he has been leaning back longer.. its like he completely
    became the female energy… !! I am amazed,
    and unhappy about it. When I give him a call
    he is great… and seems like he is waiting for
    me to do it all… and ask him if he wants to get together.. I wont. and he does nothing either.
    He says we never broke up.. and yet I dont see him hardly at all. Its time for a speech.. and I do have it all ready.. for when I see him.
    I just hope I do it correctly.. and the sooner the
    better. I do hope he steps up to the plate.
    I love this man.. so much… and just hate what happened to us.
    Thank you, Rori,
    for all your concern and tools
    Linda



  3.  #3Reshi on October 9, 2008 at 11:34 am

    When my husband and I got engaged (right around September 11, 2001), he lost his job, and didn’t find a full-time job again until we’d been married for over a year. During that time I worked full time, even overtime, to keep us afloat. And he cooked and cleaned and did my laundry and generally acted like a wife. And sure, he did finally step up and become the provider that he wanted to be–but by then the pattern of my being the Masculine energy partner–feeling like I HAD to be the masculine energy partner to survive–was already so deeply entrenched (and of course we had no idea that was going on) that it just kept going that way for years. When I finally had to quit my job because it was destroying my body, I felt like I was completely worthless because I wasn’t contributing financially. And then along came depression and a whole host of toxic issues to F things up and bring me to where I am now…btw I just received your Toxic Men program and it blew me away–I think the tools you’ve provided in that program are EXACTLY what I need to turn things around for myself. Thanks so much.



  4.  #4Rori Raye on October 9, 2008 at 1:25 pm

    Thank you, Reshi, for taking this topic further. And you’re a total inspiration! Love, Rori



  5.  #5Rori Raye on October 9, 2008 at 1:36 pm

    Thank you, Linda, for sharing your story – and the thing is – if he can’t, he can’t. There’s no way we can push a man to be more or better than he is. We can INSPIRE him (that’s what my Modern Siren program is all about), but we can’t talk him into it, convince him to do it, or anything else.

    If you shift your focus to YOU – though, and stay warm and open and welcoming and soft to EVERY man (including this one) – you’ll see – a better man (or this one becoming a better man) will show up.

    Love, Rori



  6.  #6alias girl on October 9, 2008 at 2:48 pm

    you guys r da bomb! i heart u all very much. rori, i feel like you are an angel come into my life and thank you. it seems no one else is offering what you are in such a clear concise hands- on way. it’s not just theoretical it’s in the beingness that you are teaching us to experience and delve into and explore and BE with.



  7.  #7Essential on November 18, 2008 at 1:23 pm

    Great subject, my issue is I’ve been dating this cool guy for about 16 months. He has his place I have my own. He’s divorced and has a 17 year old and a 14 year old his ex-wife takes care of in another state. His older 2 kids are graduated and grown.

    We do the joint thing on weekends, he’ll cook at his place one day, the next day I’ll grovery shop and cook at his place and the third day we generally eat out (he pays).

    If I’m over to his place and notice he needs things in his pantry or bathroom, I purchase them and bring them over on the next visit.

    Some weekends we hang out its my treat but mostly its his treat. Remember 75% is spent at his place or if I can’t afford a sitter he spends the weekend time at my place going up early in the a.m.

    Problem is he’s always gotten on my case about working extra hours, OT and stuff. He always said I have resources come to me if you need something. I always say if I’m talking to you about the $$ issue why don’t you voluneteer to help.

    Which brings us to our current page, now that the job has cut all my OT down to zero I’m without the supplement income that my daughter and I lived off of.

    When I brought this up, he gives me the long speech about his child support, his bills, his responsibility, yadda yadda yadda! I now all this already but we’ve been dating for a year 1/2 and you always said come to you. (side note) *which I’ve only done once my truck needed brakes and front end alignment* he knew this but I still had to ask him anyway.

    So now that he’s in school again, 3 degrees, and he currently works as a assistant surgeorn, he wants to get his gradaute to work in the hopsital out of surgery but in management. I work on his papers, help him with research all that good stuff.

    Ok now that I really need help and he can’t or is it he just won’t? Do I cut my losses now???



  8.  #8Rori Raye on November 18, 2008 at 2:35 pm

    Essential – I now open the floor to this community – and I know everyone will say what I’m saying here: What are you doing going to his house, helping him with ANYTHING, and letting this go on for 1 1/2 years just to see him on weekends? And he’s a SURGEON? And you’re hard-pressed for money? And…has the topic of living together and marrying EVER come up?

    Do NOT go over to his house, do NOT bring him anything, and get my book and Commitment Blueprint program – it will lay it out in steps. AND start dating other men. NOW – At least flirt. This is not a time to be angry and upset with him. This is a time to take care of YOURSELF, and be an open INVITATION to him.

    Let me know how the book and the Blueprint work for you. Love, Rori