Is He Amazing – But Can’t Love You Right?

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Here’s a letter from Anne – who’s hung up on a man who’s not only acting like a “friend with benefits” – he’s got more POWER in the “relationship” than Anne because of their “doctor/patient” relationship:

*If you’re experiencing one Mr. Wrong after another, and finding yourself attracted to and attracting men who “seem great on paper”, or “look good” – but still don’t have the ability to truly love you and build a great relationship with you…come to the “Inner Boy” Masterclass this Saturday the 18th, and learn 5 Steps (plus great new Tools and Scripting) to “grow up” your Inner Boy so he can HELP you have the relationship you want instead of blocking you from love – here->

“Rori, I need help right away!

I’ve been dating the man of my dreams who I am totally in love with for almost a year. I did give John an “I love you,” about 2 weeks ago, then he told me he’s not a good guy to love, etc…

He won’t quit dating other girls till, “there’s no doubt in my mind that I’m in love…” He hasn’t been dating other girls much, except for a couple first dates… a glass of wine with 2 different girls who contacted him on Match.com. No big deal.

He’s also been my chiropractor for 7 years. I went into his office for a late visit Wednesday, and I was dressed up nice for a date with another guy.

He asked me if I had date, and I told him I do… I could tell he felt uncomfortable, and he told me that if the date doesn’t go well, I should come over after. He texted me a few times while I was out at dinner.

Well I had a nice dinner and wine, but all I could think of was Matt! So I did go to his house after, and we always have the most amazing sex! I was telling him the next day that I’m looking for a boyfriend, and he told me that it’ll be a sad day for him when that happens.

Well, he hasn’t called me in over 2 days. I was on facebook very late last night and saw a comment on his page from a girl, saying “I believe I had a wonderful time with you tonight…” OMG!! I am totally freaking out…

I texted him at 3:30 in the morning cuz I couldn’t sleep and hadn’t heard from him in so long! All I said was, “I’m having a hard time.” He texted back a couple hours later to say, “OK. Talk to me.”

All I said was that I have had insomnia for 2 nights, and “it would feel good to talk to you whenever I see you again. I’m feeling burnt out on texting.” So he told me to take more calcium/magnesium, and we’d talk about it later.

He usually called every day, and we went out 2-3 nights a week, but lately it’s been down to maybe once a week. I really want to see him! But this girl seems amazing! His type of girl who has the same interests, and is highly educated and beautiful… She’s a teacher.

I didn’t mention that I’m a single mom of 3, an exotic dancer and a massage therapy student. So I am a little insecure about my job because of the judgments often made by others…

I do enjoy my work as a dancer, and am thankful that I spend so much time with my children because of it but I can not be proud and tell most people what I do.

I often get stuck saying that I sell jewelry because I did sell it for a while in the past.

I am freaking out and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him already so quickly!

Everything was so wonderful and he’s truly an amazing person!

Here’s my answer:

So what if a man is “great”? (I don’t happen to think this man is so great…but, okay, what if you’re right, he’s “great”?)

There are a lot of great men out there.  Celebrities we think of as “great”…fantastic men, some of them, no question about it.

And…so what?

And what if the man you’re crazy for, this great man, this “amazing man”, is your doctor?

If you’re a doctor too…maybe that would feel different – (and I hear that you’re on your way to doing that, as a massage therapist…) but mostly – male doctors wield an image of power.

He’s been handling your body and in charge of your physical health for 7 years, and you see him as “great” and “amazing”.

So, what you have here is a power problem.

He has power, you don’t.

Chemistry based on power is an electrified fence. You touch it, you burn.

And – let’s talk about this man – and his ABUSE of POWER.

His “take calcium” response to your cry for emotional help was about as cold a clue as you can get.

It’s sort of like saying “I love you” and having the man say back “I know.” Ouch. Pain. Hurt.

I have a very long story about my own hung-upness on a doctor of mine…and so I know how this goes.

I was a power junkie.

If I thought a man was great – for whatever made-up reason I made up – I was putty in his hands. I was a doormat – and a worshipping one at that.

But – you’d never know that.

You wouldn’t have guessed I was a doormat, because I was also secretive.

I didn’t talk about my crushes and my emotional attachments to a man.

I would be involved with a man, totally be “in love” with him, SEE the evidence that he considered himself a “friend with benefits” – or at most, a “for now sort of boyfriend…”

I could SEE that I was “temporary” for him – but I didn’t let on. I played cool.

I played along. I just played as though that was okay with me, that I could handle it.

It was me taking crumbs and not even complaining!!

It was me pretty much creating a new job description for love – the “willing crumb taker” job – that required pretending, play-acting, and what I thought looked like incredible inner strength but was really incredible tolerance for bad behavior – along with a huge dose of “fooling yourself.”

Basically – I had a good “story.” I sounded and looked confident – as though I had chosen this situation.

I was a hard nut to crack – and when I did crack, I really had to scramble to put myself back together.

Anne – this is going to be easier for you in some ways than it was for me, and in some ways harder.

First…just because you think he’s great doesn’t make that true.

Just because he helps you as a doctor doesn’t mean he knows what to do with your heart.

t doesn’t even mean he’s a good person.

In fact, anyone who is a doctor of something as holistic as chiropractic and doesn’t know that he’s damaging your health because he’s affecting your emotional self is not a very good doctor at all.

I see no scenario in which you can not be enraged at him!

And – like me – you’re selling yourself on the lie that he’s somehow better than you.

You are worshipping his “intellect.” You think he has something you don’t – and even want to “give” him this other woman, who you think is more suited to him and better than you.

You see him as “professional” and with “status.” You see him as having qualities you wish you had.

And you’re completely belittling and ignoring the amazing, fabulous qualities YOU have – AND…you’re ignoring the fact that you’re working to GET some of those qualities for YOURSELF – so you don’t even NEED to get them through a man.

I know it feels like a shortcut, to get those qualities from a man – but it just doesn’t work that way.

It’s really the total opposite. YOU sound like an AMAZING woman – taking care of your children, taking care of your health, having a good, well paying job that enables you to spend time with your kids and support them – PLUS – studying to do other work that you like.

I can’t imagine a better person than you.

And yet – you put yourself down, and raise him up.

In your eyes – he’s better, and you deserve crumbs.

I’m here to tell you to reconsider this judgment. To really, really look at the reality of this situation.

To really look at yourself and the amazing things you’re doing and see how you’re letting the judgments of people who don’t half deserve to even KNOW you run the way you think of yourself.

I want to reach in there and pull you from harm’s way – and this letter is the only way I can do that.

Please stop seeing this man totally.

Find another chiropractor (there are hundreds). If you have difficulty working with men health practitioners because you get crushes on them – find a WOMAN!

Every man living wants to date an exotic dancer. And an exotic dancer who is studying massage would have to be even more attractive than that! You rock.

So – get yourself out there, with the time you have apart from all the other things you’re doing in your life – and let a REAL MAN date you, treat you the brilliant way you deserve, love you up, and make you feel good.

When you cut this man off (unless he shows up with a solid plan to be the man you want with the commitment level you want) – everything will get better for you.

Your anxiety will disappear. Your health will improve. Your self-esteem will go up.

You’ll learn to love yourself…which is always step one in allowing a man to really love you. And a great man (I define a great man as one who loves YOU) will find you and make you happy.

We are all easily swayed by power and our own estimation of “greatness” and the “dream man” qualities we hold dear.

The best thing we can do for ourselves is to switch our sense of judgment around a man.

Forget about who he is, what he does, how much power, looks, money or status he has.

Instead – look at how he treats you. Look at how he makes you feel. A great man is one who can love. Who knows how to love like a MAN.

When you can look for that in a man, and SEE that when it shows up…then power will flow to you, through you, through both of you…everything expands, everything gets better…

I look forward to seeing you, working with you, and teaching you – along with the brilliant Naomie Thompson – how to literally change your experience with men, love and relationship at the Inner Boy Masterclass this Saturday, for only $97->

Love, Rori

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