Is He Really Scared Of Commitment – Or Is It Just Not Working Out The Way You Want?

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Here’s a letter from Mandy – who’s not exactly sure what she wants – but she wants something different from what she has:

“Rori, I’m in an interesting situation. I have deep feelings for someone in my “dating circle,” have become the closest person to him, and yet I know I am not ready for anything serious. He isn’t either.

We just like to watch movies, cuddle, hold hands, kiss, talk…(we’ve been seeing each other for four months and have only had sex three times, so I know he’s not in it for just the sex, but then, men do like to cuddle with women…). I am the only woman he treats this way even though he circular dates, too.

He tells me he highly values what we have. I really do too. I am just so used to being a “serial monogamist” that I’m used to falling into crazy stupid infatuation (this is the first time I’ve seen someone this long and haven’t said the l-word). I’m really fighting the urge to call or email him right now and it’s really, really hard.

Boy do I miss him.

Just want to be around him and have him hold me. I talked to my therapist about it, and he said it sounds like he has feelings for me but he’s afraid of commitment because he’s been badly hurt. I am in the exact same situation, so it’s almost like we’re being super careful with each other because of it, and yet holding to each other very tight in a way as well…

Any feedback would be much appreciated. And thanks Rori for your help, you have insight to living life in a very fulfilling way.


My Answer:

Mandy –  If he’s dating other women – I don’t know what he feels for you.

The fact that he doesn’t want to have sex with you all the time is not a good sign (though I would expect him to rubberband back and forth as you approach the 4-month mark…).

Circular Dating goes only ONE way – YOU get to Circular Date, he doesn’t.

If he’s seeing other women at this point – there’s a chance he sees you as a “friend with benefits.”

Now – there’s nothing WRONG with any of this!!

The thing is – I don’t want you to be LYING to yourself about what you want.

If you want more, and he isn’t into it – then being “cool” is not much of an option.

The relationship coach who talks firmly and with no nonsense about this is Evan Marc Katz – you might go to his blog, and ask this of him, also.

I believe he would say exactly what I’m saying. If this man doesn’t want to be your boyfriend at 4 months – either you’re both way too young, here, or he just isn’t your Mr. Right.

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 7:22 am

    I am contemplating to text him and say to send my bday gift to me.

    I read a book about men who can’t love and realized that I was taken thru all the steps of commitmentphobic relationship and didn’t even think I was.

  2.  #2Radlove on July 28, 2012 at 7:41 am

    Me second!

  3.  #3Starla on July 28, 2012 at 7:42 am

    Memulo, what about your birthday gift? I’m lost

  4.  #4ruth on July 28, 2012 at 7:43 am

    Afternoon ladies

    Put yourselves first and treat yourselves like queens
    Much love to you both

    (wow, this leaning back thin is difficult at times)

  5.  #5Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 7:49 am

    Starla, on my birthday we went to a store to get my gift, but I didn’t like anything and felt overwhelmed by how much they cost, so we didn’t buy anything and I said I will go another day and pick something I like. I did do that and told him. He mentioned once that it would be easier on him if I go and get it and he returns the cost since this way he doesn’t have to go to a store which he hates. I said no, it’s not romantic and what if you don’t want to buy it when you see it? Then on another occasion he said we will go and get my gift one day. It never happened. A month passed. I know, he had a major problem in his life 10 day ago. I did get him his gift and it was pricey for me. I have not seen him after I had a chance to give him the gift and he stopped responding to me.

  6.  #6P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 7:50 am

    When I read that you want to text and demand your birthday present, my stomach felt sick/tight and my chest felt like a vacuum…empty. I feel a deep concern for your heart and would feel interested in hearing how you plan to take care of yourself and not focus on him today. On a more masculine energy note, I think texting him is the last thing you need to do unless your desire is to push him away.


  7.  #7Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 7:54 am


    He IS away, doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do. For myself ‘the normal’ me would be too proud to demand anything. I always say that the biggest loss they can suffer is me. But today I feel that I want my shiny gift. To look pretty for my next date 😉 or not.

  8.  #8Starla on July 28, 2012 at 7:57 am

    don’t do that

  9.  #9Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 7:57 am

    I was so generous with him lately, so understanding that now I want something for me. I don’t know.. hate sometimes to be that ‘nice’ girl who won’t cause any harm even pushed beyond her edge.

  10.  #10Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 7:59 am

    Serious Starla? I feel invisible

  11.  #11Tam on July 28, 2012 at 8:00 am

    Memulo, he does not owe you anything.
    I suspect after texting him to demand a present, you will feel 100 times worse.
    Try to exit this with your head held high and focus on yourself…the rest will fall together.

  12.  #12Starla on July 28, 2012 at 8:00 am

    yeah, like a thousand percent serious

  13.  #13Miss Bells on July 28, 2012 at 8:00 am

    Weird. I would like to ask Rori about commitmentphobia. I know a lot of people want to put a psychological label on people who just aren’t doing what they want. But–I believe that some men (and a smaller group of women) are truly incapable of making a commitment to ANYONE.
    That may be what I have been struggling against with my rubber-band man.
    He is 63-an only child-never married-no kids.
    He is capable of having a gf for a few years at a time, but never stops going hot and cold, and I mean SEVERELY, not just a little mood bump.
    He also has problems making decisions about everything else, from buying a new piece of furniture to what to have for lunch. He lives in a state of constant regrets.
    One quality of a real commitment phobe is the “curtain call”. These are the ones who breal up with you for no reason and brutally, and then when you are gone they find a reason to contact you and pull you back in. This is because they can’t commit to NO any more than they can to YES.
    HS has done this 3 times, and I wanted it to work so badly I came back each time.
    I am beginning to see the light. This time–I will have to be the one to say no when he shows up.
    And by that-considering we live together-I mean shows up emotionally, as a man.
    Until then I am going through hurt and sadness to anger, and then–INDIFFERENCE!

  14.  #14Starla on July 28, 2012 at 8:05 am

    i have two dates today. i feel nervous about them. i’m meeting them from online dating sites, and i feel weird like i’m going to be given the once-over like cattle for sale.

  15.  #15Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 8:06 am

    Ok, so I lost and need to start all over.

  16.  #16ruth on July 28, 2012 at 8:06 am

    I feel sad reading the commetns from memulo and Miss Bells today

    You both deserve so much better

    Dont give these men anymore head space, if you can do that

  17.  #17Tam on July 28, 2012 at 8:07 am

    Starla, turn it are giving them the ‘once over’ as you are the prize and you choose!

  18.  #18Starla on July 28, 2012 at 8:07 am

    no need to start all over. just start CDing other available single men who want to take you out on bonafide dates:)

  19.  #19ruth on July 28, 2012 at 8:07 am


    You will be giving THEM the once over, no?

  20.  #20Starla on July 28, 2012 at 8:08 am

    17 tam, thank you

    i have low self esteem in this area

    it would feel great to turn it around! yesss

  21.  #21ruth on July 28, 2012 at 8:09 am

    *hi fives tam*

  22.  #22Tam on July 28, 2012 at 8:10 am

    Memulo: he lost and you get to start all over. Do you really want a man with those issues, who is on dating websites, does not contact you and can’t even walk into a shop to buy you a b’day gift????
    I would not want you to settle for someone like that, so why do you? He may be back but by making him appear with a birthday gift it will just get worse.
    Buy it yourself as a treat to get over this man and move on????
    ‘be good to yourself’

  23.  #23Tam on July 28, 2012 at 8:11 am

    Oh, hi Ruth!!!

    Starla, me too, me too – fake it till you make it 😉

  24.  #24P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 8:12 am


    Two years ago, I was dating a very kind, strong man. Christmas was approaching and we had been dating for six months…the relationship was getting stale and, as I look back now, I realize he was losing interest and was caught up with some struggles and drama with his ex and teenage son.

    I, also a ‘nice’ girl, decided to use Christmas as an occassion to overfunction and show him and his children how much I cared (secretly hoping that those feelings would be returned…I needed them to care about me…I was needy). Though I was struggling financially, I purchased expensive and thoughtful gifts for P and each of his boys.

    When Christmas rolled around and we exchanged gifts, I gave P his high tech, kevlar lined, leather motorcycle jacket…in which he looked super sexy! And he, in return, gave me a card signed by the three of them with a $25 gift certificate to Hobby Lobby.

    I felt so unseen. As an artist, sure, I could use the gift certificate, but was put off by how ‘easy’ that gift was. It was not lavish or super thoughtful as I thought I deserved. P could tell the disappointment in my eyes even though I thanked him and said I was excited to use the gift.

    Two days later, he showed up at my door with a brand new microwave (mine had blown up the week prior). He said he had been planning to purchase it for me for Christmas, but the timing was inconvenient and he eventually forgot about it until he realized it was under the tree on Christmas.

    Ugh…OK, so I tell you this story to let you know that every time I use the microwave, I think of P and how he was guilted into giving me this gift and how devalued I felt by him and how difficult and lonely the relationship had become at the time I received the gift (we broke up less than 2 months later).

    All this to say, I don’t think it’s about the gift. I don’t think it’s about sticking it to him so you can wear the gift on your next date. I don’t think receiving the gift will accomplish the goal that you say you have and I wonder how deeply you have sunk into your own heart. I experience you as living on the surface of your desires, overfunctioning and then scrambling to minimize the damage of overfunctioning, and spending a lot of time in his head and analyzing your actions.

    Please, for your own sanity, get into your feelings, sink into the core of your longings and recognize that you deserve better from both him and yourself. The way to move forward and treat yourself better is to lean back, let him live his life, and you get on with living yours.

    You are clearly a smart, beautiful, caring woman…let the man who is meant to love you find you in a state of mind and heart that is open to him, rather than stuck overanalyzing things with your ex and obsessing about him.

    You deserve to be free from all that terrible self-talk. I just want to give you a hug. My heart hurts for you.

  25.  #25Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 8:13 am

    He kept a contact with me till the last second he needed my support and I didn’t even realize it. I feel like a doormat;) And he lost interest completely. He likes girls with an edge, the ones who tell them what they did wrong, the challenging ones – everyone does!

  26.  #26ruth on July 28, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Fantastic post P lala

    i have so often been guilty of overfunctioning with gifts

  27.  #27P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Memulo – it sounds like you’re learning the lesson! That is the good thing…no more will you make yourself a doormat in a relationship. You are a siren!

  28.  #28Radlove on July 28, 2012 at 8:21 am


    It’s not about the circumstances, finances, or situations. It is about the relatioship. What serves the relationship?

    Just to give you an idea, in 2009, I paid $500 for R to go to a professional to treat his schizophrenia. $500 for one hour.

    I knew before I did it that I couldn’t attach ANYTHING to that. Even if R drifted away from me and never contacted me again. It was a choice I made. He didn’t owe me anything.

  29.  #29Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 8:22 am

    I don’t think I overfunctioned with the gift. When I give a gift to anyone I make it thoughtful and the best I can give under the circumstances.

    Just to him it reminded that I expect a relationship that he promised and he doesn’t want to give.

  30.  #30P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 8:26 am

    Ruth – Overfunctioning is so painful, isn’t it! I think I’ve probably cut by by 50% at this point and I’m trying to remain self-aware and catch myself when I’m tempted to lean forward. I’m healing and hope to continue to flip the belief that by DOING, I will accomplish anything. I can’t wait for K to get home tomorrow so I can BE and RECEIVE with him…that feels so yummy.

  31.  #31Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 8:26 am


    I would never pay $500 lol. I owe my money to my family and myself. I paid a lot a lot less. It was very thoughtful though, funny and s-xy. I got the gift last minute because something was off and I wasn’t sure what was going on. But then I talked to him and he sounded so sweet and invited me to come, so I went out and got it.

    I just really didn’t realize the situation was already this bad and he was on the last drop before the full withdrawal.

  32.  #32Radlove on July 28, 2012 at 8:28 am

    I’m watching the women swim the butterfly on the Olympics. Wow, I feel amazed. They look so good. I used to be on a swim team, and I called it my “drowning stroke”. That’s what I felt like and that’s what I looked like, LOL!

    The Butterfly takes a lot of energy!

  33.  #33Tam on July 28, 2012 at 8:31 am

    P-lala, inspiring.
    I also overfunctioned on gifts. Not anymore. If I can even be bothered to buy anything nowadays…then it is something small and thoughtful and of low monetary value.

    I gave my bf a scrapbook of our first 4 months last Valentine’s day..guess what he did? He said he loved it and we should fill it with all our future trips, photos etc. And then he left it at my Condo because (now I know) he was worried his ex and kids would see it. They all knew me (kids) and knew about me (exwife), but as she still walked in and out of his house and checked through his drawers (a reason why we split up, he had no boundaries with her – and said he will try to make her happy whatever it takes), he was worried she would see it. So he never even took it…I spent ages making it.

    Now I get nervous about giving presents to men, and it feels wrong not to, but I find men don’t really want presents, they are more happy to give.
    I used to send MrU little things from my travels..which he used to hang in his house (pride of place lol) and everytime when I used to come he pointed them out, a little calendar here, a picture there – that was lovely. But I even stopped that…he lately used to be the giver and he is happy with that. One time (just one time out of many many) lately, I bought some food for a trip (he didn’t have time and wanted to give me the money, but I declined because he had paid for EVERYTHING before, and it was just lunch), and he chided me for buying steaks as they are ‘expensive’. It was super cute, because for him it’s ok to buy us steaks, but if I’d have just brought popcorn he’d have been happier.
    After that, when he said ‘let’s go on a trip’, he’d do stuff to the car and say ‘meanwhile you can pop into the shop to get some snacks for us’ and he would hand me a $20 bill – I would just smile like a kid and get us our candies..hehe…I am getting used to it. In fact, now I almost like it but it really meant changing my Europeanised brain…
    I have learnt 🙂

  34.  #34P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 8:35 am

    I think overfunctioning is overfunctioning…the amount of money doesn’t matter, but the fact that it was more than you SHOULD have spent is important. It’s the message, “I put the things I want for you before my own best interest.”

    I often minimize my own behavior and deflect when I am called out on it in order to deal with the pain of the situation. I need to heal this and know that by owning my motivations and feeling the pain, I can move on and live the beautiful life I believe I am meant to live with K.

    *sigh* K 🙂

  35.  #35Tam on July 28, 2012 at 8:36 am

    I am getting used to a man wanting to take care of me, and it not feeling strange. Guess I have been overfunctioning for way too long, so it feels natural to slip back into it.
    But I am not going to.
    Hence even with the dating here, it’s not happening because they all expect me to come to the city – when they could just come here also.
    So I sit tight and if anyone comes here, fine, if not, fine also. I just date myself instead. 🙂

  36.  #36ruth on July 28, 2012 at 8:37 am

    So so true Tam

    men often dont want presents

    In fact, thinking back, at the very start of my relationship, my man asked me NOT to buy him presents

    Did i listen??


    This *is *interesting, and not just with then man angle

    I have always put a LOT of thought (and sometimes a lot of money too) into presents

    But now, well, P lala, you have me wonderign about my motivation for doing so

    was it to be loved and appreciated?

    my sister is an extreme example of this

    She is very rich and will buy lavish gifts(often totally not what i might want)
    Woe betide me if i do not grovel in thanks

    I didnt at Christmas-and she has barely spoken to me since

    ooh, big trigger

    but this is good

    thank you p lala

  37.  #37Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 8:39 am


    I know what you are saying. I learned my lesson with a hotel I paid for when I was away for a month and he came to visit. Before and after that I did not offer to pay for anything. Once he said that next time dinner is on me but I just looked at him and he stopped and apologized later, and next time I came over for dinner and brought his fav ice-cream he asked if he can give me money for it.

    Omg how did I let it slip so bad?? I really really felt us to be very close. And now this is it?

  38.  #38ruth on July 28, 2012 at 8:39 am

    I am feeling a bit overwhelmed now
    This Blog really does make one look at oneself

  39.  #39P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 8:41 am


    It’s so difficult to receive a gift when you know it is meant to replace intimacy or to extract gratitude.

    I feel happy that my embarassing story of neediness can help you get into touch with your own heart. <3

  40.  #40ruth on July 28, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Memulo darling

    Just take a step way way back and concentrate on YOU

    Do nice things for you
    And just lean back for a while
    I dont know if its over or not, but right now you need to be with yourself, regardless of what is happening with him
    Take care of YOU

    thas all that matters right now

  41.  #41Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 8:45 am

    It is really very strange. One day he initiates the contact – texts, calls me, texts again and the next day stops answering.

  42.  #42ruth on July 28, 2012 at 8:45 am

    I feel grateful and happy that you shared p lala
    I am learning all the time

    Thank you

  43.  #43Tam on July 28, 2012 at 8:46 am

    funny about your sister, Ruth, well it’s not funny really because I guess she ‘gives to get’, rather than getting pleasure out of the giving.
    That is the problem in a nutshell, I think.

    Never to give to get, but to give for the pleasure of giving.

  44.  #44P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 8:49 am


    It sounds like he’s getting a ‘fix.’ That’s totally a guess, but it looks like the pattern. He’s dealing with stuff and needs to know that someone is there. He text,calls, whatever and you respond with love and support. He gets his fix and goes away. And you are left on the hook, analyzing what you did to make him go away, and hurting…but it was never about you in the first place. This feels like it’s about him.

    I hope you listen to the sirens here and take care of you so that you cells begin to know what that feels like so that when Mr. Right comes along, your very core will recognize that he knows how to care for you.

  45.  #45ruth on July 28, 2012 at 8:50 am

    Yes Tam, she does
    And realsing that makes me really take a long hard look at myself

    She paid for 12 of us to go away for her 40th a few years ago

    Weekend in Morocco

    Would have been fantastic, except we had to keep telling her how fabulous she was all the time

    WOW, I will think of her when i think of over functioning

    it will stop me dead
    in my tracks

    Oh dear:)

  46.  #46ruth on July 28, 2012 at 8:51 am

    I swim “old lady breast stroke” with my head out of the water!

    i cant imagine doing Fly

  47.  #47ruth on July 28, 2012 at 8:53 am

    P lala

    I am feeling warm and supported by your posts right now
    Helping me too
    (its a bit like a light switching on)

  48.  #48Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 8:53 am

    P-lala #44,

    it used not to be this way. He used to really miss me. It feels so hurtful that I missed my chance to get it right.

  49.  #49ruth on July 28, 2012 at 8:57 am

    I dont know if you have missed it memulo

    But you must take care of you now

    thats all that maters

  50.  #50P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 9:02 am

    Ruth – 🙂

    Memulo – You’re still making this about something you did or didn’t do. I do not, in any way, believe that this is about you. He missed his chance to offer you what you need.

  51.  #51Daria on July 28, 2012 at 9:06 am

    I feel thrilled to hear about shifts in relationships that didn’t feel good to me and also tight tight pinched and prodded to hear about pain, put Downs, judgements ….

    Sigh I feel twisted a d twerked

    I feel joyful to be staying with myself

    I feel guilty for talking. About how someone else’s energy affects me

    I feel better

    I feel excited

    I feel onto something

    I feel focused

    I love feeling focused

    I feel panicked

    I feel hrumph smile
    Focus to openeas

    I feel lonely

    No man around here or any of the men im meeting ate likely to fall in love w me so much that their be willing to follow me around the world, built me nests and feed and supper and protect and worship me

    The men around here are powerless

    Shifting beliefs 🙂

    Feeling joyful

  52.  #52Tam on July 28, 2012 at 9:08 am

    P-Lala, great post about being on the hook and the man dancing back and forth and that being about him not us.
    I can identify with that too. A man will take our support and love when we give it freely, and don’t have our boundaries in place…and it doesn’t mean he thinks of wanting anything more with us. It’s an important reminder to me too.

    Ruth lol ‘old lady breaststroke’ – I swim it too – and used to get a stiff neck..haha!!

  53.  #53Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 9:16 am

    The problem is – I thought I did have boundaries in place. And I thought we were waay passed the point where we needed to discuss them. I did communicate them at first and he always, always listened. So I got used to it and felt safe.

  54.  #54Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Anyway, I need to stop this. Only makes me feel much worse. Nothing I can do now, really nothing.

  55.  #55ruth on July 28, 2012 at 9:26 am

    But look after you memulo



  56.  #56Jasmine on July 28, 2012 at 9:38 am

    This feels badddd I can’t undo it but I don’t know what to do now. Stupid texts. I feel ridiculous!!

  57.  #57P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 9:42 am

    (((Jasmine))) Not sure what’s going on, but the answer is almost always ‘lean back.’

  58.  #58Daria on July 28, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Time to feel good in the mornings feel so essential. I feel afraid of being traumatized when I start respecting my boundary on this.

  59.  #59Daria on July 28, 2012 at 9:59 am

    I feel shaky im being asked to stay overnight at fave CD house. Tonite.

    I feel nervous!


    I feel triggered unsure

    I feel angry excited confused

  60.  #60P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 10:01 am

    (((Daria))) you teach me so much about feelings

  61.  #61Daria on July 28, 2012 at 10:09 am

    It feels icky. . Tight heart sad disempowred imagining being directed verbally to do things I want to and am in charge of doing myself

    Such as
    Take care of you
    Do your homework

    The love is felt in the intention along w the diaenpowrtment
    Feeling mixed confused guilty ashamed

    Social programming, this directive talk… a way to stunt personal authority

    My self talk is becoming directive free

  62.  #62Tam on July 28, 2012 at 10:10 am

    I miss MrU, which kind of annoys me, oh well.
    I keep having fantasies of falling asleep on his big chest, haha, all wrapped up in his arms…
    ah nevermind, I’ll hug myself tonight..

  63.  #63Jasmine on July 28, 2012 at 10:23 am


    I had a few drinks last night and texted a few stupid things to my ex so he replied asking me what was happening.

  64.  #64Jasmine on July 28, 2012 at 10:42 am

    I am a princess. A beautiful princess. Much love to me.

  65.  #65Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Maybe to say that real men find the way to say good bye?

  66.  #66Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 10:55 am

    Jasmine, do you have to answer?

  67.  #67P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Are you asking if you should send a text to say that real men find a way to say goodbye?

    No…what would be the purpose of that?

    Ohhhh, shoot…the ol’ drunk text. Hugs to you.

    Again, it all comes down to texting. The availability of instant but distanced communication makes things so complicated. Whatever happened with everyone and the texting fast? I’m still text free with K and it’s working out well. We talk 3-4 times a day. K calls to say good morning and good night and once a day to check in and see how things are going. I call occassionally once a day to say, “hey, guess what fun thing happened!” It’s working for us.
    I’m so thankful that he doesn’t text or I could get wrapped up in looking for his attention. This way, I have to just trust that he’s still there…no matter what is going on in my head.

  68.  #68ruth on July 28, 2012 at 11:35 am

    ah P lala
    but you are geting three calls a day

    that would do me just fine

  69.  #69Tam on July 28, 2012 at 11:52 am

    I know! Wow P-lala!!
    I never had a bf call me three times a day ever! Then again I am not a big phone person anyway, I was happy with one call a day when apart, and a few txts inbetween
    K sounds great!

  70.  #70Annie on July 28, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Dominique says:

    “Annie – But the freedom also includes choosing YOU without pressure, nagging, criticism, etc. A good man who loves you AND is left alone to be himself WILL choose you every time.


    The first bit feels good “But the freedom also includes choosing YOU.” By stating our boundaries in a non judgmental way.

    “without pressure, nagging, criticism,” triggers me as aren’t they judgments that someone else usually a man is making? If any man accused me of nagging I would feel gaslighted and emotionally abused. covertly controlled in an attempt to get me to shut up and shut the conversation down.

    Surely a great grown up mature man would not use the judgmental word nagging.
    He would be communicating on a higher conscious level.

    If I state my boundary and the boundary you are free do do what you like but is If you choose to carry on doing something or not doing something that is a deal breaker for me then you will have to leave he is going to feel pressure.
    How on earth would someone not feel pressured with this choice?

    Or does freedom mean the choice to choose?

  71.  #71P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 12:17 pm


    re: 3-4 calls a day
    Yes, that’s true, but I don’t think it would be so if we were texting. In that case, I’d get a good morning and good night text…that wouldn’t feel so good. I love going to sleep to his voice. 🙂

    Now, in all fairness, I think I’ve been found by my Mr. Right. So, of course he does these things. If he didn’t, he would not be my Mr. Right and I’d be super stressed out wondering about the state of our relationship. I’ve been there too often…but have done lots of work to be able to recognize my man when I see him. 🙂

    Sometimes I feel guilty about sharing my love-sickness here when I know others are hurting, but I hope that, instead of pain, it brings hope that the tools (not games or strategies, but tools) work…they really do.

  72.  #72P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 12:19 pm


    I think, yes, freedom means the choice to choose…and the choice to show you who he is and your choice to say yes or no to that.

    Thanks for sharing your process here, I’m learning lots by questioning my own thoughts/feelings on this topic.

  73.  #73Tam on July 28, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    I have to say that based on my personal experience, men interpret freedom as being able to do what they want and when…. Unfortunately these days it often means the freedon of dating several women without having the choice of committing to one.
    I don’t see that as necessarily a reflection on the women’s ability to ‘stop nagging’ , rather it is often a man’s choice to remain free. Especially attractive and successful men.
    It’s just what I see.
    I see great men dating great women, without making commitments because it is ‘easier’.
    Not too many, but there are quite a few like that amongst my acquaintances….hm
    Of course, some are not worried to take the ‘plunge’, when they found their woman. But on balance what I see is men often not wanting to be ‘tied down’.
    It’s society as a whole – I saw the other day stag and hen parties (bachelor parties for soon to be marrieds). The men wore T-Shirts stating the ‘sad affair’ of getting married, like with a prisoner and chain, saying ‘the last few days of freedom’. The women’s bachelorette parties T-Shirts said: ‘at last the fish is in the net’ or ‘she’s finally there’.
    What does that say of how our society portrays gender roles, and quite a stereotype.
    Like we are begging men to ‘take us’ off the streets and then we must behave because if we ‘nag’ too much he’ll go and have an affair – I don’t know. That kind of view triggers me too.
    I like my freedom too – not just men!

  74.  #74Radlove on July 28, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Ruth, me too! 🙂 Or sidestroke

  75.  #75Tam on July 28, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Isn’t it always free choice when a man is chosing us? I never had a guy come up to me saying ‘I feel like I should date you, but not out of free will’. So the statement regarding ‘freedom to choose you’ is kind of an obvious thing, no???

  76.  #76P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    I love my freedom, too. In fact, I’m so used to doing my own thing and living my own life, that I’ve always said that when I get married, he’s going to have to live in the house next door. I just couldn’t forsee sharing so much of my space with someone…no matter how much I loved him.

    My stance has softened on that as my view of men’s perceived need for constant nurture and attention has healed (((men))).

  77.  #77Starla on July 28, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    I went on my POF date! He said he really really really liked me and wants to take me to dinner next. Awww he likes me!

    I get so scared! Me and my self esteem, eesh.

    I have another 1st date tonight with another guy. He’s taking me to dinner when usually i just want to do ‘coffee’ but I agreed to that because he is highly trained in martial arts and i want to hear more about that.

    and anyway my date this morning bought me a meal too, haha.

    2 dates in one day!

    There is another guy I kinda put off and said I wasn’t sure if I’d be available tomorrow, and I’m super duper nervous about him. I feel so scared I won’t measure up in the looks department. But if I went with him to lunch tomorrow, that’d be 3 dates in 1 weekend.

  78.  #78Tam on July 28, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Wuhoo Starla!! Start making notes about them or you’ll get them all confused lol….it happened to my friend when she was on a ‘dating rampage’ and had a couple with same names, she had to give them nicknames 😉

  79.  #79Jasmine on July 28, 2012 at 12:53 pm


    66 – I did.

    But I don’t want to think about it. It’s a beautiful day.

  80.  #80Femininewoman on July 28, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Memulo I see a lot has already been said about the gift but my indication for myself about whether overfunctioned or not related to a gift is partly in my wanting one too. Unconditional love never goes to the place of demanding something in retun no matter what haopens. What comes to mind is the song a mother sang to her child about the 9 months she carried him growing inside her plus all the other things she did for him up to that point. Give because it makes your heart sing and make you feel good. Otherwise don’t because men will feel your intention. What you are wanting to do there is call in the relationship debt. I remember trying to encourage you not to get any but you still chose to. I encourage you to really pay attention to yourself.

  81.  #81Starla on July 28, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Thanks, Tam. I should make a spreadsheet.

  82.  #82Tam on July 28, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    81..hehe..and you can give them marks too Starla, while you’re at it….

  83.  #83Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Maybe the song that I sent was really stupid and inappropriate and he got angry and annoyed and Hirt even more????

  84.  #84R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    @83 you should not sabatoge yourself anymore about it. I agree lean back, realize you sent it because at the time that is what you wanted to do. Big deal that song stupid, lame or hurtful, whatever it was or maybe he liked it but no matter what if this man cared for you the way you care for him that song would not be near enough to scare him off!! Girl I am speaking to you from my heart don’t punish yourself anymore.

  85.  #85Tam on July 28, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    83, memulo, you’ve got to stop!!! thinking the sending of a song that was meant as a sweet gesture, could scare the right man away is just nonsense, sorry.
    You are still analysing and trying to get into his head whilst he is probably on a date with someone else, or dealing with his problems. I am sorry to be so blunt, but that’s what men do. They sort out their stuff and switch off…he has switched channels, whether for the time being or forever and there is nothing you can do. Except focus on yourself.

    Now it’s your turn to go and have some fun and stop thinking – there are so many men out there that would love to have you!!! Memuloooooo!!!!

  86.  #86R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Let it ride I know at first it may be hard but trust me it gets easier and he may not be the one. maybe he is but you will only hurt yourself to figure it out. So take time for you, be with your feelings and be ok with you and your choices. If he is the right man he won’t go far, and if not as much as it hurts there must be something better for you as you deserve the best!

  87.  #87P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Memulo – as soon as you walked away from the computer earlier, I feared that you were getting caught up in skewed thoughts. #83 is evidence of that. This is a continuing pattern for you…you come here to hear truth and get support…then you walk away and forget it all. That’s what I’m seeing anyway.

    It’s time to stop it…maybe you can connect with WHY you need to not believe the facts and take care of yourself and instead need to take responsibility for something that isn’t about you? What do you get from that?

    It is, seriously, time to make a change…I hope you are willing to do that.

  88.  #88Starla on July 28, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    ladies, this date tonight wants me to meet him at the train station, but i don’t know him and i feel a little unsafe doing that, especially since he’s super trained in martial arts and the train station is kinda below ground/hidden.

    how do i tell him i’d feel better just meeting him at the restaurant without making it sound like i think he might be a dangerous psycho? I don’t, but I want to practice basic safety.

  89.  #89R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    @85 well said Tam!! Right on! Don’t wait for someone to figure out if they want you in thier life…your life, your book, your story, the only story that noone else can write. I like that yes, this is my book, I wrote it…

  90.  #90R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    You know it feels good to connect with the sirens today, sometimes in the world away from reality. Though it make way more sense here then in real life..haha

  91.  #91Tam on July 28, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    Thanks I just have to put it into practice myself, ha.

    Starla, just tell him you’d feel happier meeting at the restaurant. A good guy will sooooooo understand, trust me.

  92.  #92R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    I love how it is easy to give advice but hard to take it. It’s seems we learn the best though when someone has actually been through an experience and can help a blind siren find her way in that same experience. I hate always being told to listen but yes sometimes I don’t “LISTEN.” I learned the hard way so many times that if you lean back and accept the thoughts and quick tips you actually can avoid painful situations. Then there are those other times like owww….ok better..owww…ok, now owwww…that really hurts, ok better, owwww. WTFFFFF AmazingMe stop doing that it hurts….GOSH negative voices. Yes I am talking to myself and feels good 🙂

  93.  #93R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    whhooossssaaaaa it is raining and I have to go to the store again, yes again, and I am just not feeling it. I told my youngest she is 7 to shower she said but mommy I showered yesterday and I don’t stink. I said yes babygirl young ladies wash everyday. She is too much

  94.  #94Femininewoman on July 28, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Mindset for dating – Will I like him, will he measure up

  95.  #95P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    AmazingMe…owww, WTFFFF…oh, I’ve been there!

    Starla, I agree with Tam. If he doesn’t understand, then you get a glimpse into how he operates and you can use that to make a decision as to whether you want him in your life or not. I love being a data gatherer. 🙂

  96.  #96Femininewoman on July 28, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    RN that is too cute

  97.  #97R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    LOL yes FW I was lol serious when I wrote it because it was so funny yet honest.

  98.  #98Starla on July 28, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    94, fw, thank you:)

  99.  #99Starla on July 28, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    nice, this morning’s date just contacted me to ask when he can take me for dinner:)

    I shall call him V.

  100.  #100P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Nice going, V.

  101.  #101Lakshmi on July 28, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Starla, yay you! You’re inspiring me. I just logged on to OKCupid and got off right away. I’ve been online dating on and off for 7 years and I feel … tired … Can’t get up any enthusiasm for it right now. But then I hear about your three dates and think, that’s great!!! I wish I had 3 dates this weekend. So thank you.

    Also, I agree with Tam, a good guy won’t mind if you say you feel better meeting at the restaurant. I’ve had similar situations, and always had a positive reaction. Have fun!

  102.  #102Lakshmi on July 28, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    I wanted to thank those of you who responded to my post about my dog with cancer the other day. Thank you. He is taking some medication and is getting his appetite back.

    I’m feeling “blah.” I’m tired and it’s beautiful outside and I have a lot of housework and “work work — for my job” to do and I don’t want to do any of it. I had coffee with a friend this morning, and I’m going for a hike with another friend tomorrow, but I feel at loose ends. I want to have fun. I am having financial probs (like so many of us) and feel limited in what I can do. I’d love to get a massage and take myself out to dinner, but I can’t afford to right now. Any ideas to feel more sireny? I want to CDate, but it doesn’t seem fun right now. Hmmm…

  103.  #103Starla on July 28, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    yay lashmi! and thank u!!

  104.  #104Starla on July 28, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    i meant yay about you feeling inspired to date more.

  105.  #105Dominique on July 28, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Annie – # 70 – This would be making an assumption, a negative one, that a man would accuse you of nagging, etc. if you felt the need to establish a boundary.

    Also that you would need to make a boundary in the first place.

    It seems to me that you are assuming any man you would might be with would do something “bad” and would need to have a boundary set for him around whatever it is.

    It seems to me you are thinking that “rules” would have to be made from the get go.

    How about assuming that your man would do the “right thing” or rather would do things/say things that would feel good to you, behave in ways that you prefer?

    A good man, a man who is right for you, would not so much know better but not even go there in the first place.

    Sure people make mistakes, men and women alike, and if it’s an isolated thing (barring something totally heinous), then it’s okay to let things go.

    If it’s a pattern, then yes it’s okay to say that whatever it is feels bad, and it’s also okay to break things off if nothing changes around this, if whatever it is is truly a deal breaker.

    No man, no woman wants to tethered to a short leash. No man, no woman want to be told what to do. Most every man and woman wants to feel trusted, wants to feel loved, accepted for who he or she is in this moment, as he/she walks his/her path.


  106.  #106Dominique on July 28, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    Tam – #73 – Those sayings about marriage have been around forever, well before my time, well into my parent’s time. And maybe for some, they believe this somewhere inside, but the vast majority of men who do decide to marry do it because they really want to. No ball and chain mentality whatsoever.

    I will also say though that there are many women of all ages who can get all caught up in the romantic notion of marriage and can lose sight of what’s really there, who the man is and so on.

    My point is to try focusing on the men who are NOT like you describe. Live your life AS IF every man who comes across your path is a GREAT guy. Just believing this, believing in him, certainly shifts the energy in you, and this is energy ALL can feel.

  107.  #107Butterfly Wings on July 28, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    311 LiliBee (prev thread) – Yes you’re right and that’s what I’ve done. It’s been over 24 hours since I last talked to him and he will be on a plane late tonight, and he won’t be here till lunch time tomorrow.

    It will be the longest time we’ve ever gone without communicating. It’s killing me but I’m trying to keep my focus on other things.

    A friend reminded me yesterday that I just needed to remember that whatever happens is what the Universe had planned, so it’s meant to be, whatever it is…

    I feel some comfort over that.

    I’ve missed you! xxx

    And Radlove, thank you. xx

  108.  #108Dominique on July 28, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    Something to consider when dating in the search for your “the one”. You will tend to attract the kind of man you want the more you heal and get clear within yourself, the more you release and let go of stuff from the past which no longer serves you, when you “get” that you may have once been attracted to what’s familiar even if it felt bad, but now you are gaining clarity on this too.

    The relationship I have with K is amazing, wonderful, so loving, affectionate, intimate, profound, perfect for ME, yet what I have with him may not be at all what someone else would want. We spend ALL our spare time together even if it’s just doing our own thing sitting next to each other.

    We each have the freedom to do whatever, be wherever, yet we both choose to hang with each other whenever we can.

    I got exactly the kind of man I needed to heal myself on an even deeper level, and he got the same in me. And through this we grew into each others perfect mate. We became exactly what we wanted but may not have realized immediately. Sensed, likely, but knew, not so much.

    This is what learning to be open to it all can do. This is what keeping a wide eyed wonder about any and all can do.


  109.  #109Butterfly Wings on July 28, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    I woke this morning feeling sad but not panicky, so that’s a huge improvement from yesterday. Hopefully that means that the drug is getting out of my system… Yuk.

    I had a conversation with one of TH’s closest friends the other day. He was checking up on me after seeing some dodgy posts of mine on FB. So I told him what had happened.

    I felt comforted by what he said. He said that he could see how happy TH had been and how motivated he was to look after his health since he’s been with me, after so many years of neglect, so he felt that I was a good influence on TH and was sure it would work out.

    But is what I’ve put him through over the last year or so too much? Is he over it all? 🙁

    I know my only option now is to just lean back and wait till he’s ready to talk. He will be home when I finish work tomorrow, so I’ll pop my head in (he’ll be in the man cave), say hi, then head upstairs until he asks me to go and talk I suppose… waiting feels really, really, really, really bad…

    Oh and thank you to everyone else from the previous thread for your support too. I think I’ll have to stop disappearing from here for so long – it’s a great place to get support, especially while I’m healing.


  110.  #110P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    Butterfly Wings,

    Wow…it sounds like you are handling the tension of waiting really well. It’s such a tough thing. I’m sending you positive thoughts, prayers and hugs.

    (((((Butterfly Wings)))))

  111.  #111Butterfly Wings on July 28, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    I wasn’t so good with it earlier in the week P-lala. And all I was doing was pushing him away.

    And thank you for the hugs 🙂

    What is meant to be will be… and once this depression is gone, I’ll be able to easily handle either outcome… :-\

  112.  #112P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    Dominique, You and K inspire me to be patient with the process, to be open to surprises and to love so much better than I have ever been able to before. <3

  113.  #113Dominique on July 28, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    P-lala – Patience is an amazing virtue to cultivate, and I credit K in part with helping and inspiring me to do so. We can possibly miss out on SO many gems in life and in people by not allowing yourself and them their process, in yours and their time. It’s a wonderful, peaceful place to hang out in.


  114.  #114Erika Awakening on July 28, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Thanks for commenting on my blog post. Your support really meant a lot to me.

    Reading this article, am I the only one who thinks we women need to get a life? I admit I used to spend my days worrying about stuff like this, whether he calls, what is he thinking, and so forth. I don’t anymore. That’s because I found my life purpose, and what a man may be thinking about me simply pales in comparison to the passion and purpose in my life. I don’t even date anymore because it’s so clear to me there isn’t any point to it. I just keep clearing my own issues, and as I do, the Universe is sending me everything I need. I guarantee the Universe is also sending my man, and that it’s going to be a far more amazing relationship than I ever could have dreamed up …

    Anyway, I just feel a little frustrated seeing women not finding a larger purpose in their lives. The big picture is what gives us the strength to be powerful in our relationships. Perhaps I’m missing something, if so let me know.

    Erika Awakening

  115.  #115Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    Omg he just texted me: I am so lost.

    What do I do????

  116.  #116P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 5:02 pm


    Really, no one here knows the nuances of your circumstance. The best we can do is to say to follow the rules…lean back, speak in FMs, have no expectations, say what you want/don’t want, ask what he thinks if you’re willing to enter into a negotiation. If he hasn’t asked you a question, you don’t need to respond.

    Above all, breathe and don’t act hastily. Look at the FACTS and not the things that you make up in your head. If you are experiencing anxiety, it’s probably not the best time to respond. There’s no hurry.

    What do you WANT to do?

  117.  #117Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    I want to go to his place and ease his pain. But I’m far away at friends house and will only be back late at night

  118.  #118P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    So, given what you know about what your overfunctioning will do, you still WANT to do it and WOULD do it were you apart from your friends?

  119.  #119Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    I want to at least call. He is in a very bad situation. Maybe he did not respond

  120.  #120P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    Also, given what you know about his coming to you for support and then disappearing, you still think your support will draw him near?

    Is your ultimate goal to ease his circumstantial pain or to develop a long-term, loving relationship with the man who will love and cherish you? The best response to, “what do I do?” is dependent on the answer to this question.

  121.  #121Starla on July 28, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    Okay have another date in half an hour:) and he has no problem with me meeting him at the restaurant, lol

  122.  #122Butterfly wings on July 28, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    Yay Starla!!!

  123.  #123Femininewoman on July 28, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    Memulo maybe focussing on his issues help you to feel powerful and important?

  124.  #124Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    I called he didn’t pick up , I didn’t leave a message. He lost his child , his while life is different now. I feel worried about him. When I got his text I felt scared. Like he can do something to himself and I will be ‘leaning back’???

  125.  #125P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 6:36 pm


    What I see is, given a host of options, you disregard all but the one you don’t want to do, explain why you don’t want to do that one thing and then do what you wanted to do in the first place…regardless of the inherent consequences.

    I believe you are on a great journey of healing and will be sending positive energy, thoughts and prayers your way as I continue to watch this unfold from the sidelines. I hope you come to embrace your true value, can let go of the NVs and find peace.

  126.  #126R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    Well I am also really working on trying to heal this issue about fixing things and men and all thier problems. I have come a long way and it is hard when you are a fixer to sit back when you just want to help. Memulo, He lost his child that is very sad but if he needs you he is reaching out?? Right?? Then will go silent?? Give him time but don’t make it your problem to worry and fix him. He has to go through this and how he chooses you have no control. You also have to lookout for yourself and your feelings. Leaning back is right for you in this.. like it almost sounds like you would make the responsibility fall on you if he did hurt himself or something bad happened. You cannot make that fall on you. That is awful I am sorry to hear of this situation. I really think this is a “TIME” thing.

  127.  #127R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    When someone tells you , “Time heals all wounds”, and you sit there with a fresh cut and it hurts like helllllll it is hard to say yes your right and feel better. You have to cope and get through the pain, then before you know some time has past and the bleeding stops and in time you know it will be ok. They should really explain it like that right!!

  128.  #128ReceivingGirl on July 28, 2012 at 7:16 pm


    Starla – have fun on your date!

    I also agree with the overfunctioning talk. I’ve done it a lot in the past too. I’m trying my hardest not to do it this time. It’s hard because I’m so used to it.

  129.  #129ReceivingGirl on July 28, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    Don’t mothers usually want daddy’s gf to stay away from her kids? She is talking to the kids about daddy’s gf and told him the kids want to meet me. He said no. Then, she put one on the phone to say something about it. He said it is not to be worried about and shouldn’t even be having this conversation.

  130.  #130P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    RG – Sounds like she’s using the kids to get info. I’m glad he’s setting boundaries and protecting you/acting as a buffer.

  131.  #131Radlove on July 28, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    R is coming home overnight again!.I feel happy!!!

  132.  #132CurvySiren10 on July 28, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    Memulo, the part here that is so difficult to witness is your apparent lack of desire to actually LISTEN to what the ladies here are saying. And I think the major point that people are not really emphasizing is that this guy is having a MAJOR LIFE CRISIS with these accusations he’s dealing with, losing visitation with his much-loved child, etc. He is in NO position to offer you (or anyone) “the relationship they want” right now.

    If I were you I would very carefully read and consider the words you’re seeing here. Especially those written so eloquently by P-lala. They are wise and supportive and loving. (and she is a professional therapist)

    Otherwise, I fear you will continue to go ’round and ’round in this hell you’ve been in.

    Sending you much love and understanding.

  133.  #133R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    Memulo, I hate to ask for a repeat but have you told your history about this guy somewhere and I missed it? I feel like I came in the middle and realized I should not give advice I do not know your situation just what I read today. If you care to give a short version or tell me where to read it…Only if you want just here to listen if you need someone too 🙂

  134.  #134R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 8:39 pm

    @131 ..yay sending happy thoughts, so what does that mean for you:)

  135.  #135Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    Thank you everyone. I appreciate it very much. The guy is a bit absent- minded in everyday life, though brilliant at what he does. Since I don’t really know what’s going on with him now and he does see what happened as a major crisis, very unexpected, when he says he is so lost I feel the obligation at least try talking to him. I would do it with anyone, excluding worst enemies I guess;) I don’t know about ant future with him, but to stop talking to him when the disaster happened feels not human to me. I’d feel terrible playing games in this situation. I’d rather confront him, but before I have this conversation with him I won’t refuse talking when he feels so bad.

  136.  #136Radlove on July 28, 2012 at 8:53 pm

    R and I just watched this best proposal ever:

    …and he started crying, I mean CRYING. I have seen him cry one other time in 3.5 years. I felt touched.
    I myself was carefully guarding my emotions and NOT showing them because it is a VERY delicate topic…a proposal.

    I know, I am sposta unzip my heart.

  137.  #137P-lala on July 28, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    Radlove, I’m sitting here watching proposals on youtube, too! K told me to start looking at engagement rings and now I’m all caught up thinking about it…though I know it won’t happen for quite some time. He did say that he sees us married by this time next year! Though I’ve been married twice, I’ve never had an engagement ring or a proposal (I know…long story)…I feel young again just thinking about it – though holding on to reality at the same time, knowing that it’s about the quality of the relationship and the way I feel when I am with him, not some single moment or object, that is important.

  138.  #138Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 9:09 pm


    Thank you for your request. I met the guy 6 months ago, it was very romantic and he treated me well. I overlooked the fact that he was separated for a bit over a year, not divorced. He is a very devoted dad, spent 35% time with his boy. His ex is crazy and was fighting this arrangement, using all the means she had. A week ago she took him to court and accused of illness he does not have. She did not have to prove anything. She got sole custody this way and he supervised visitations. It crushed him . He is running around trying to prove otherwise, bur it takes time and effort and the court already made the decision once. Since it happened he sees a lot less if me and he is in touch pretty much to share his struggles. I don’t know if it’d because he doesn’t care about me or just very hurt. He doesn’t always answer my texts ( with no questions) gets back to me a couple of days sometimes. Every time I think it means he left me. I don’t know if it’s true or not. But when in thus situation he asks for help I feel worried about him and can’t refuse to talk.

  139.  #139Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    Radlove, yay!!!!!

  140.  #140R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    @138 that is awful what a hateful thing to do…wow I cannot imagine. So how are things between you guys? I mean where do you stand? Does he want you there for him? There is a lot to this situation and it is delicate I understand now more of your frustration.

  141.  #141Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 9:42 pm

    That’s the thing, I have no idea where we stand. Guess need to ask him next time?…

  142.  #142R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    Next time he texts you I guess? I mean that is a tough call rather to reach out or lean back….I understand so much more now, Thanks for letting me be apart of your experience it’s helping me….really. How do you feel about just leaning back and letting him come to you?

  143.  #143Starla on July 28, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    ooookay, that guy looks MUCH better than his profile pictures.

    he was FINE
    i feel turned on by this man
    he didn’t want the night to end and asked for another date. he also insisted on escorting me back to my train station on the train (to which i agreed — he is a total gentleman)
    he brought me a flower and that was cute

    so f*cking hot

    hahahaha i feel like a hormonal teenager

  144.  #144R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 9:59 pm

    @143 Awesome!!! Good for you that is the best feeling!!Enjoy it!!!

  145.  #145Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 10:25 pm


    Thank you, yes, a tough call. Part of me wants to run there to make sure he is functioning alright, not stuck in his apartment being miserable. Part wants to lean back. Should I wait for another communication? I really don’t know.

  146.  #146Memulo on July 28, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    Yay Starla!

    So your email/text writer guy got some competition hah

  147.  #147R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 10:30 pm

    do not go there uninvited that would be not good…but what did he say in his last text? I mean if he wants to reach out to you do you know him well enough to know he would call? your best thing to do right now is let him be he will come to you when he is ready. no fixing just listen 🙂

  148.  #148Scarlet on July 28, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    I am feeling confused by something. Why is it that it is ok for women to circular date but not men. I feel scared to circular date in case that says it is ok for him to do the same, which would upset me and then make me feel like it was because of what I was doing, even when my heart is not in it anyway.

  149.  #149R.N.AmazingMe on July 28, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    The thing is if he cannot give you what you want and need right now it is all kind of pointless. I know it sounds selfish but sometimes when you cannot do anything but be there and he is back and forth or not really reaching out, you need to move on takecare of u and see what life offers and maybe one day but he would not want you to wait and you should never put your wellbeing on hold. Everyday is a blessing , tomorrow is never promised!

  150.  #150Emerson on July 28, 2012 at 10:58 pm

    I feel weird and guilty for not being true to myself in so many situations

  151.  #151Daria on July 28, 2012 at 11:52 pm

    wow SO MUCH practice and amazing steps tonite!

    my FAVE CD asked me to sleep over and i texted him that i feel tired !


    i felt SO scared to do that

    i didn’t think he liked me that much ( 3 dates )

    and that he would poof

    well he says i
    wanted to make love to you tonite!


    and i didn’t tease and say lol

    i really kept doing STOP and chekc my feelings

    and i wound up says

    i feel scared bae i dont feel ready to mmm it would feel cool to get closer gradually like I want a guy to go down on me what do you think

    wow what a script!

    he says he never did that but w me he wanst to and more


    i didn’t believe me when he was telling me how much hc likes me before

  152.  #152Daria on July 29, 2012 at 12:10 am

    omg i feel so thrilled 🙂


    he says he always wanted to have someone close that he would want to do that to!


    and i said i feel so special and he says

    you should, you’ve really been makin me feel something special

    omg im makin this FLY GUY feel something special wow thrills wow oh weeeee

  153.  #153Daria on July 29, 2012 at 12:14 am

  154.  #154Daria on July 29, 2012 at 12:16 am

    i feel so SOFT

    i feel so powerful and ADULT and in charge

    and so mindful

    so deep

    and so get it done

    im changing stuff in rooms all the time now, and it feels easy and fun

  155.  #155Daria on July 29, 2012 at 12:36 am

    he just texted me to call him lets talk 🙂 awww

    and we did

    and now hes saying goodnite beautiful i think i could fall in love w u


    i was jus sayin how i was feeling worried no guy is gonna fal in love w me enough to want to be w me wherever i want to go on earth and build me nests and nurture me

    and now its starting wooooo blessings i feel so juicy

  156.  #156Tam on July 29, 2012 at 12:41 am

    106 – Dominique, I agree with that and only recently have put it into practice, to at first see every man that I meet as a ‘good man’…and see how things unfold. Without being totally naive, that is 😉

  157.  #157Tam on July 29, 2012 at 12:57 am

    Good morning!!
    Sunday. I did nothing much all weekend except sit home and feel sorry for myself. As you know I am not having the greatest time but trying to see it as a gift because it has made me realise my own issues and the healing I have to do. So that’s all good.

    I was listening to Abraham on ubtube all weekend, normally they really build me up and it kinda helped.
    Just that it is difficult to conjure happy in the now when the external circumstances make you stumble again and again. Trying to have the inner happiness is not as easy as it sounds…

    So I also have been missing MrU, he has dropped off the face of the earth (internet, dating site, no contact with me for over a week), and of course I assume it is because he has found someone. That is extremely likely, I know he has been socialising a lot (which is unusual for him) and dating I presume also.
    And then I was wondering whether perhaps I can be happy for him, since he has been such a good friend to me and done many lovely things for me. He’s just not that into me, presumably, does that mean that I now want the guy to be alone and miserable for the rest of his life just because I can’t have him?
    No way.
    Actually, I want him to be super happy. He absolutely deserves being super happy, just like I deserve that. He has had so many bad things happen to him in his life and as a youngster, so of course I wish him a lovely relationship with someone who will understand and cherish him and let him be himself…and someone whom he feels to commit to – because he is not a commitment phobe, like I used to think. We make these drawers for people to fit in and a lot of it is nonsense.

    So today I will feel happy for myself that I am single rather than being in a relationship that doesn’t make me happy, or in a relationship where the man does not think I am his woman….
    and I will feel happy for MrU also, if he is dating someone.

    It’s the path of least resistance and I do not need any more resistance in my life right now, I just accept. I surrender.

  158.  #158Daria on July 29, 2012 at 12:59 am

    Ask for it in feeling messages (instead of could you , lets, i want)

    is working wonders in my life

    wow it felt so uncomfortable to translate in feeling messages

    and i feel afraid sometimes the guy will trip

    and instead it seems they relax! wow

    feels so easy to get waht i want

    “it would feel so good to have someone bring me tacos”

    ok i can do that – !


  159.  #159Daria on July 29, 2012 at 1:57 am

    Aww Plala 🙂 I feel honored And smily


  160.  #160Daria on July 29, 2012 at 2:01 am


    Thank u so much! I feel smily for tomorrow 🙂

    Ive been feeling sooo lovely

  161.  #161Shirley on July 29, 2012 at 3:00 am

    Hello Rori & the ladies:
    I need some advice here on how to speak from my feelings and figure out a script for this conversation. I have been working on circular dating, and for better or worse, one of the guys really caught my attention. He looks and acts different from all other guys up until this point. We have seen each other 4 times, 3 of the 4 times we spent the night together, and finally we were intimate the last time. We live about 45 minutes apart from each other. It’s been fun. Each time we got together, we had an even better time than the previous time. We go to places, talk and share. He texts me almost daily to stay in touch since the end of April. We met online, and met in person finally at the end of May for the first time. There had been schedule conflicts, and we had seen each other when we were able. I know he has been back online, and possibly gone on a couple dates with others. But this afternoon, he texted me out of blue, and asked me for a blow job. I didn’t answer him, he actually pressed me and texted me more. Needless to say, I felt totally yuky. Then he told me, he didn’t get the answer he wanted. I told him, I felt overwhelmed and didn’t know what to say and asked what response he was hoping for. I was surprised we were able to continue a playful interaction afterwards. He expressed he was hoping I would’ve said “come on over”. I figured at that point even if I offered he would not (his family is visiting from out of the country, he’s with them at the time.) Sure enough, he said, you’re too far, haha. We were playful, and he expressed he would just have to wait until he sees me again. But a few hours later, I just feel yuky. I don’t do friends with benefits, and that’s what this felt like. He’s not entitled to ask me for sexual favors unless we’re in a relationship. And right now, I don’t thinkwe are. We never had the conversation, and he’s still logging in online and even uploaded new pictures last couple days to his dating profile. I think I need to end this….what do you think? and what is the best way to approach this?

  162.  #162Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 3:50 am

    I am struggling today.

    S has been texting me.

    He keeps saying he needs me in his life. He says he is going to change everything and he wants me there. He keeps saying he loves me.

    I am NOT going to be in an exclusive relationship with him, I KNOW that… that is a boundary right there AND I am living it.

    I know he is not happy about it, that is inconsequential.

    I don’t know whether or not I can be in his life in any way.

    I thought that we would take the space, and that he would need that to focus on his healing, and me on mine.

    And YES, it feels HARD 🙁

    But he seems to have other plans. Although I have not actually seen him for nearly a week, except briefly at work, he has been in contact via text every day.

    I’m feeling very confused.

    I have feelings for this guy, and I care about me too. I need to take care of me too.

    It feels shocking, painful and AWFUL to think of just ‘making a clean break’ and having no contact, and I have heard Rori say this is not necessary.

    And I don’t know if it is necessary for his addiction healing, or whether that is even my concern?

    Today I suggested that we need to discuss changing our facebook status’s to say ‘no in a relationship’ and he got upset and said ‘would that mean it was over for good then?’



    I feel so unheard.

    We have just spent the however many last texts discussing how I need this relationship to end but that I am open to maybe dating him in the future, if I feel comfortable. and then he asks me that.


    I feel so angry. I feel like screaming names at him and hitting things.

    Of course I won’t actually do that.

    I feel completely at a loss as to how to take care of me today.

    After a good few days in terms of me feeling quite upbeat about myself and my future I now feel depleted of energy and can’t think about doing anything.

    I feel upset.

    Like crying.

  163.  #163Femininewoman on July 29, 2012 at 3:55 am

    Dancing Siren this is a time when you try Rori’s Nonsense Tool and the Stop Sign tool to try and interrupt the loops your brain is going through.

  164.  #164Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 4:08 am


    Yes, I am probably right in my head.

    I don’t even realise I am thinking about stuff!

    Right now I am just sitting here with my feelings.

    Rage keeps coming up and the subsiding to heaviness. lonliness and sadness.

    Then anger again.

    Ok, I just identified a thought pattern.

    Anger comes up everytime I think about a specific incidence that happened in the pub just the other day, where he was talking about drugs with some of the other staff.

    And I felt humiliated, like a total mug, and an idiot.

    But I feel so angry I don’t want to stop thinking about it.

    I want him to pay!!!!


    I am horrible today.

    And I know logically ME thinking about it will not make him pay.

    It will ultimately just make me feel twisted and angry. And affect ME.

    And it just feels harder to let it go.

    I mean seriously what a total dick (him) … he’s such a total pr8ck head.

    G8d I feel rageful.

    Yes, maybe the nonesense and STOP signs,

    I feel more open to nonsense right now…

    Lalalala, pwaaarrlllalalla, booombastic plastic lalaliilailal.


    I had a dream last night, it was really sexual. It was all about me pleasuring other people and them loving it. And I felt really turned on by it.

    Like they just HAD to have me!

    Lol, oh there we go. I made myself feel a little bit better,

    He he.

    Except it is not real.

    I woke up feeling horny!

    I wish I had a lover that I could just sleep with, with no emotional ties or complications.

    Wow, I didn’t think I would ever want that!

    I am also going to look at flats in the area to rent.

    Just for fun because I like that.

  165.  #165Radlove on July 29, 2012 at 4:24 am


    137 – That’s wonderful! I was married once with no proposal or anything fancy, either, to K in prison. I really want it all this time around…

    And it all came to a head last night for me.

    When R cried over the proposal video, I just couldn’t blubber along with him, because there is so much pain from 3 years ago mixed with longing for my future…for “our” future. So I had to go somewhere else outside my heart, because I blubbered enough last week when he merely cuddled with me.

    After he had something to eat, he stretched out on the sofa. As in, didn’t invite me to sit with him. I had hoped that we made some coming-together-again progress after last week. I had hoped we were starting over.

    I decided it was time for a power speech, like a no-friends speech.

    I actually sat at my computer for a few minutes to review some of the stuff from here that I saved because i felt very nervous.

    I sat back in the recliner near the sofa, and he said, “What?” He can always tell when I have something to say.

    I said, “Well, I just wondered what you think about it if I date other men?”

    “It’s fine.”

    “Ok, well if I date other men, that wouldn’t bother you?”

    “No. Why would that bother me?”

    “Cool. Well, if I get in a serious relationship with someone, do you want to know about it?”

    “I don’t know. You can tell me if you want to, you don’t have to.”

    “Ok. Cuz I’ve been experimenting with just being your friend, and I have realized this isn’t working for me. I just have feelings for you way above and beyond friendship. I LOVE to be around you and text you, but I’ve realized for me it’s like a slow torture. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stay away, but I need to be apart from you for a while.”

    “Ok, that’s understandable.”

    “I just want to be clear that it’s not because I DON’T like you…it’s because I DO. I know I have put way too much pressure on you in the past, and I don’t want to do that anymore.”

    “I appreciate that.”

    “So I want you to take all the time you need, and if you decide you want something more than friendship, I will be delighted beyond belief. I just don’t want to be one of those women who sits home alone year after year waiting for the phone to ring, and end up alone 5 years from now. I mean, I HIGHLY respect you for taking your time to get to know someone.”

    “Thank you.”

    “I intend to take my time getting to know other men. I’m not just going to jump into a relationship. But I just can’t go on like this alone anymore. I intend to date my little heart out and really make an effort to become a wife.”


    I feel heavy hearted about it, but I have reasoned thru Rori’s teaching enough to know that it’s not serving me and it’s not serving our relationship for me to continue puppy-dogging along by his side when he’s not making a move.

    One big reason I flowed with the friendship in the last month or so, as he was warming up to me more and more, was to give him time to see up close that I have changed a lot, that a lot of the toxic behavior that I had in the past is healed.

    Walking away from him feels like the opposite of what I want to do, like ripping my own heart out. But to continue spending time with him and texting him is like sitting at a banquet with my mouth taped shut.

  166.  #166Radlove on July 29, 2012 at 4:34 am

    I guess I’m calling his bluff, if it is a bluff. I want to shake him and say you idiot, we are perfect for each other! Be my man! Can’t you see I’ve changed? I thought you wanted to give us another chance.

    I’m banking on him missing me. And maybe this is strategizing, which technically I’m not supposed to do. But throughout our relationship, too often I leaned forward, and i reason that it is to be expected if he doesn’t feel romantically attracted. I did all the work for him.

    So I’ve laid it all out and he knows me inside and out and I am banking on this being as hard for him as it will surely be for me.

    I don’t trust myself to not contact him. But when I feel tempted, I am going to remind myself how desolate I felt sitting on the recliner after watching him show emotion over the beautiful proposal.

    I feel like I’m in uncharted territory. Call it negotiation. Negotiation is a new tool for me. Power speeches are not second nature for me. It’s understandable that I feel a little odd and uncomfortable.

    I am outside of my comfort level. Right now he is still laying on the sofa half asleep. The old me is tempted to go over there and caress his shoulder and hair and beg him to not leave here without talking to me and telling me his true feelings.

    But that’s pressure and it’s not going to serve the relationship.

  167.  #167Radlove on July 29, 2012 at 4:40 am

    I told him also it is crazy making to be just friends with him when I have such strong feelings for him. I told him I can’t handle it.

    I don’t feel like I can handle not texting him or seeing him. Am I going the right path?

    Before he leaves today, is there anything I should say to him? As part of the power speech, that I might have missed?

    What feels frustrating is exchanging all this talk about sex and romance, and he never acts on it. It’s just talk. A few times I smiled at him from the heart last night and he just gave me a fake smile back, showing teeth, that didn’t reach his eyes. It felt bad.

    So if he needs to miss me, in order to feel attracted, then somehow I need to stay away from him. Is my reasoning right? Am I working the tools right?

    Last night when I went to bed, I texted him, “Good night, Sir Loin. Over and OUT.” (Sir Loin is a silly nickname for him).

  168.  #168Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 4:45 am

    Radlove what percentage chance do you think there is of him ever becoming your man?

  169.  #169Tam on July 29, 2012 at 4:45 am

    (((((Radlove))))) wow, be strong, it sounds like you are doing the right thing.
    If he is not making a move it means he is in the ‘friend’s’ zone, right? So you could go on like that forever and longing for more. Don’t close your heart to other men.
    I heard something the other day that said our real soulmate can’t find us if we are out of touch with our soul….as he is supposed to be our ‘soul’ mate. So when we are out of alignment with our soul, we attract men that are also out of alignment with our soul and presumably their own soul also.
    It helped me a little to keep focusing on myself.
    I think it is from Abraham Hicks.

  170.  #170Tam on July 29, 2012 at 4:47 am

    Radlove, I think you did the right thing. If he wanted more than friendship he would make a move, a physical move also. That’s true with any man.

  171.  #171Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 4:50 am

    Right, ok.

    What can I do for me today?

    Doing ANYTHING just feels like the hugest effort right now!

    I do want to do something about food.

    I would like to make myself something nice.

    I also need to go in the loft to get something.

    But don’t feel like doing it.

    I will build up to it.

    Its my last week of full on work this week before my summer break. But right now I don’t even feel like I could face it!

    Maybe I will open the window!

  172.  #172Tam on July 29, 2012 at 4:54 am

    Radlove, the other thing is that you are now in a strong position. Win-win.
    You are moving on, you have been authentic. You are going to date other men. By that you might find your soul mate. Or, R will miss you sooooo much and hate the fact that you are dating other men, that it will compel him to step up and claim you.
    Either way, what have you got to lose?
    You can’t lose him as you don’t have him. And it’s another strong argument for not staying friends with someone when you love them. Because it stops you to find your happiness, and it stops them from showing their real colour because once they lose the friendship, that is the real test. Does he miss it enough to want more?
    You can only win.

  173.  #173Radlove on July 29, 2012 at 4:57 am

    Dancing Siren

    167 – I believe R is my Soul Mate and that he will become my husband. But I can’t say for sure, because I am not R and I am not God.

  174.  #174Radlove on July 29, 2012 at 5:02 am


    171 – Thank you! This post and your others are very encouraging. I saved this one to read when I feel weak. It is SO HARD for me to do this, after all the times I’ve longed for him to contact me.

    But I see clearly that pressure is not the way to win him. NON pressure, leaning back, and walking away are the way to win him, if it is meant to be.

    I have no doubt he is emotionally dependent on me too.

    What especially stands out to me is that you said this will show his true colors where his feelings for me are concerned. Because that is exactly what I want. I have felt murky about his true feelings for a long time, with him hiding behind text.

    I was just racking my brain last night how I could get him to show his true colors. So it confirms I am on the right path.

  175.  #175P-lala on July 29, 2012 at 5:04 am


    Oh my gosh, Radlove…you did it! You valued your heart enough to not accept crumbs, and torture, and friendship with a man from whom you long for so much more.

    I can’t tell you how surprised and happy I am for you…I was feeling so fearful that you were going to get hurt again. I know that, in this moment, it does hurt, but ultimately this is the open door to your future.

    This is your turning point and that start of something new. You will no longer sacrifice a piece of your heart for crumbs and I believe that G-d will honor your choice to live in the truth of your own value.

    May the knowledge that you’ve done the hard, but right, thing give you strength to continue to care for yourself when temptation comes and when you are feeling lonely.

    Yay for you! Be blessed, Radlove.

  176.  #176Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 5:09 am

    Just relating it to my situation…

    I am wondering if sometimes we have to completely let go of the things we think are meant for us.

    Like totally let it go.

    Like stop talking about it, and release that thing, move away and just completely surrender.

    Like let go of the belief even.

    And for me to just say ‘I don’t know!’

    That is the only way it MIGHT have a chance to come back to us…

    Or not.

    But all the time we are holding onto the belief in our heads that they are meant for us we are not letting them go energetically.

    And I am going to stop talking about it now too ( well unless more stuff comes up that *I* need to process.

    Anyway, I am going to do the ironing.
    And have some coffee.

    I have decided that is EXACTLY what I feel like doing right now.

  177.  #177P-lala on July 29, 2012 at 5:09 am

    ((((Dancing Siren))))

    I feel in awe of your self-awareness and determination to take care of yourself and shift things when they need to be shifted.

    I hope you find something beautiful and delicious to eat and nurture your body today.

  178.  #178Radlove on July 29, 2012 at 5:11 am


    174 – Thank you so much! I added that to Tam’s post in my Rori Raye Archives for future encouragement.

  179.  #179Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 5:16 am

    I will leave a message if he doesnt pick up: called again. I feel worried about you, it would feel good to hear back.

    Is it too much feeling in one message?

  180.  #180Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 5:17 am

    I can instead say: please can you call me back

  181.  #181Tam on July 29, 2012 at 5:28 am

    Memulo, you’re still stuck on this man?

  182.  #182Tam on July 29, 2012 at 5:30 am

    Radlove, I am happy my post gave you encouragement… your post gave me encouragement too!!
    It showed me that what you did is absolutely the right way, because with ‘friendship’ we just get stuck if we are actually in love with the man. It holds us back from everything, I believe, even a relationship with that particular man should it happen.
    Your post has made that clear to me, so thank you 🙂

  183.  #183P-lala on July 29, 2012 at 5:34 am

    I feel so triggered when I see people self-destruct…perhaps it’s because I’ve done it so many times before…putting the best interest of others above my own and thinking that I will be loved in return.

    Below is the prayer we say to close out my groups (adding the last line because it’s important)…I think I need to pray it for myself. I’m feeling a bit codependent with this board…lol…I’m so silly and predictable.

    G-d grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, the WISDOM to know the difference and the WILLINGNESS to take action.

    Actually, in this case, it would be the willingness to not take action as I cannot change others or force them to heal their hearts. That’s so difficult to recognize for my empathic core self.

    ((((little P-lala)))) ((((Sirens))))

    This prayer might be more appropriate:

    G-d grand me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to connect with my own heart, the wisdom to recognize and own my triggers and the willingness to heal and honor my core self.

  184.  #184Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 5:40 am

    Maybe a simple how are you will do instead.

    Tam there is a chance he is feeling very bad. You think it’s the right time to poof because he can’t cater to me, a shiny siren?

  185.  #185Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 5:43 am


    When something really bad happens to you, you are deeply hurt do you want your friends and close ones to say your prayer stop talking to you?

  186.  #186Butterfly Wings on July 29, 2012 at 5:45 am

    TH is coming home tomorrow. I’m feeling strong, like I can handle any outcome.

    I’ve been thinking so much over the last few days, and today is the most sane I think I’ve been feeling about all of this! He was withdrawing from me for some time, and it’s purely because I was becoming someone he didn’t want to be around.

    How can you expect to be loved if you’re not lovable?

    So I kept pushing him and pushing him away, and of course he did what was expected – he withdrew.

    So tomorrow I will hear him out, then I will tell him about how I can now understand why he was withdrawing, and now that the hormones are wearing off, I’ll be slowly becoming the old me again – the old me he was attracted to in the first place.

    I soooo cannot wait for her to come back! 🙂

    I was just reading through some old FB messages tonight – taking my mind off TH – and I realised that I had several guys pursuing me at the same time last year. My little ego just got a nice boost! 🙂 🙂 🙂 There IS hope for me, whether TH and I stay together or not!

  187.  #187P-lala on July 29, 2012 at 5:46 am

    I only slept for 5 hours last night…not sure if I should go back to bed and finish getting my beauty sleep.
    K gets home today. I’m so excited to see him that I couldn’t sleep. I woke up at 5:00 AM and gave myself a manicure. Now, it’s pedicure time. Then, I’m going to give myself a salt and coconut butter scrub and get all soft and smooth. I am a soft, smooth and touchable Siren!

  188.  #188Tam on July 29, 2012 at 5:53 am

    Memulo, he is not a baby, do you want him to feel like one?
    I would stay open but not in a ‘helper’ way. Do you want to be his psychologist or his woman? It never worked for me, trying to help a man in a ‘situation’, it got me ‘friendzoned’ whilst they were looking for someone else.
    Do you want that?! Then go right ahead.

  189.  #189Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 5:58 am


    Can you read your posts back as though they were another Siren?

    What would you say to her?

  190.  #190P-lala on July 29, 2012 at 5:59 am

    I have not suggested that you abandon your man. I have suggested that you cannot rescue him and that you are not, actually, in touch with your own motivations.

    In my life and work, I advocate for allowing adults to be adults and ask for what they need and when my friends ask for what they need, I can say yes or no to that based on our mutual benefit or I can make another suggestion if the answer is no.

    When I am hurting, I tend to isolate and figure out how to deal with it myself and call my dearest and wisest friend if I need direction. That is the way I operate. When a friend pursues and tries to fix me or indicates that they are triggered by my pain, I interpret that as their need to have ME take care of THE in my hour of need.

    When a friend texts me that he/she is hurting and I call them and they don’t answer, I assume it is because the don’t want to talk to me. I assume that they’ve seen my number on their phone and know that I have called. I assume that they will call if they need anything. If I have some indication that they do not know that I love them and am here for them, I will call and leave a message, “I know you’re hurting. Please know that I am hear for you; to listen and give you a squeeze if you need it. Call me at any time.”

    This is all about them…not about my need to fix them or to make them stop hurting or to ease my own anxiety about their ability to care for themselves. Most of the people that I welcome into my life are healthy enough to care for themselves or ask (not text and run away) for help if they need it.

    It has taken me a long time to recognize that it is not my job to rescue anyone…healthy people feel disrespected when others indicate a belief that they need rescue…men feel immasculated.

    I do not feel that this is about him for you. It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that it is about your need for him to know that you are worried and your need to make him feel better. I believe that the only way to make him feel better is to get his child back or to allow him to grieve. Easing his pain with simply prolong it…this is a basic tenant of healing.

  191.  #191Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:00 am

    Well at least I can call in response to his text say I feel worried about him and ask how he is doing

  192.  #192Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 6:02 am

    Ok, I had some breakfast/lunch / brunch.

    I had some scrambled eggs, grilled bacon and sundried tomatoes.

    Now I am sitting getting ready to do the ironing.

    I am watching a funny film.

    And tonight I am having pasta, pesto and asparagus for dinner.

    I still feel a bit angry and a stab of sadness when I think of S, but I wonder if this is more a choice than necessary.

    Wondering if I can switch this too.

    Like stick to my boundary and realise that he will/allow him to make his own choices.

  193.  #193P-lala on July 29, 2012 at 6:03 am

    I believe that saying, “I feel worried…” is asking for reassurance, telling him that you don’t think he has what it takes to make it through this and making the issue about you.

    I think I need to stop trying to help at this point because I am not practicing what I preach. I’m going to practice leaning back.

  194.  #194Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 6:04 am

    Memulo, ]

    When did he text and what did he say?

  195.  #195Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 6:05 am

    “I believe that saying, “I feel worried…” is asking for reassurance, telling him that you don’t think he has what it takes to make it through this and making the issue about you.”

    Owww, yes.

    I used to do this with S.

  196.  #196Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:05 am

    Thank you P-lala

  197.  #197P-lala on July 29, 2012 at 6:07 am

    Butterfly Wings, You sound like you’re doing so much better today. I feel excited about your courage to own your stuff and share with TH rather than running away or minimizing the impact of your behavior. I hope your conversation goes well!!

  198.  #198Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:12 am

    Dancing Siren, last night he texted ‘I am so lost’

  199.  #199Rebecca on July 29, 2012 at 6:13 am


    I am still pining over a man I had a stupid one night stand with… It was 3 months ago for heavens sake! Yikes, what is wrong with me?

    Maybe it is signposting an empty void in my life? Hmmm… How will I fill that?

    Also, 2 days ago I was sitting outside the pub with a friend and I got talking to the 2 men sat next to us. When I clocked that the man next to me was quite dishy I had a complete change of personality!!?? Yikes… I found myself totally ‘distracted’ by him, and I was gushing away at 100 miles an hour… I was acting really intense and in his face, and nervous and giggly, like he was out of my league…. ((((((my nervous giggly self))))))

  200.  #200Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:26 am

    Ok maybe to text: how are you? Since I didn’t leave a message last night and it’s unlike me

  201.  #201Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:30 am

    Or ‘called last night. How are you?’

  202.  #202Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:37 am

    It’s really hard. To day how are you is stupid because he is bad, to ask how I can help him is counterproductive. To say Hi?

  203.  #203Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Maybe ‘Hi’ is my best option this morning. It shows I am here if he needs me

  204.  #204P-lala on July 29, 2012 at 6:44 am

    Memulo…breaking my own rules, I can’t seem to butt out.

    “Hi” got you nowhere last time, but hurt. “Hi,” to me, says, “Pay attention to me.”

    Might I suggest, “I’m sorry you’re hurting.”
    It’s kind of a feeling message, but doesn’t make it about your need for him to make you feel better.

  205.  #205Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 6:46 am


    Ow, that is exactly what S texted me a few days ago.



    I think I texted back ‘I feel sad to hear you are hurting. Hugs’.

  206.  #206P-lala on July 29, 2012 at 6:47 am

    “I feel hopeful that you’re on the right road to finding resolution.”

    “I feel such admiration for your courage and strength in facing such heartbreak.”

    “I feel such compassion for you and am here if you need to talk.”

  207.  #207Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:48 am

    I feel sorry you are hurting?

  208.  #208P-lala on July 29, 2012 at 6:48 am


  209.  #209Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:51 am

    Ohh I did tell him several times that he is so strong to fight back. What if he decided not to? So scared to say a stupid thing again

  210.  #210Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:52 am

    ‘I feel sad you are hurting’ is making him take care of you so that you feel better? Now I feel so lost!!!

  211.  #211Rebecca on July 29, 2012 at 6:59 am


    Please feel free to ignore this but the more ‘advice’ you ask for, I feel you will be less authentic with him. You need to write from the heart. Pretend there is not a right or wrong, it might be liberating for you. I you will tie yourself in less knots..

    And, boy, I wish I could practise what I preached!! Hehe 🙂

  212.  #212Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:59 am

    I’m so sorry you are hurting. Kiss you


  213.  #213ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 7:11 am

    @130 P-lala

    Hmm…I’m not sure. The kids don’t know anything. He doesn’t bring me around the kids or talk to the kids about me. He feels that is not the right thing to do right now and I agree with him.

    I think she (I’m going to call her Jabber) just wants to do anything and everything to bother him. It seems like it’s her life goal, the only thing she thinks about. What can I do next to annoy him and make his life difficult?

    Jabber is talking about many things inappropriately around the kids. It’s all about her and she’s not even considering the well-being of her kids.

    The youngest is having a really hard time with this. He’s constantly hearing mommy talk bad and yell at daddy and now he’s scared to talk to daddy because mommy will be mad.

    I feel so sad for him & I’m really worried about him. I feel so angry she can’t see through her own greediness & vindictiveness to see how much her little one is hurting. All she cares about is money and creating lies.

    I don’t know how he does it. I’m tired of her and I don’t even have to deal with her. Oh, and we are both being investigated. For what? I don’t know.

    Jabber complains about needing more money, yet she’s wasting it on racking up lawyer fees just to make his life difficult. I guess she doesn’t realize they have to pay those fees.

    I could keep chanting on my soap box because I feel there are plenty of things that should be done differently, and I wish someone would sit her down and talk some sense into her, but I digress.

    (((Mr. Observant)))
    (((Mr. Observant’s kids)))

    Even after all her shenanigans, Mr. Observant told the older kids that mommy is going through a rough time and asked them to do whatever they can to help her out.

  214.  #214Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 7:14 am

    ok I think I did say something stupid. I said I feel so sorry you are hurting. I feel your strength even if you say it’s not

    Why did I say ‘if not’????????

  215.  #215Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 7:15 am

    Does it sound really bad?

  216.  #216Femininewoman on July 29, 2012 at 7:17 am

    Yayy Radlove Brava to you. Walking away is counterintuitive. Letting go, giving up I have learned is a way to have what I want. The tighter we hold on is the easier it is for the men to slip away.

  217.  #217Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 7:21 am

    Rebecca, you were right. I did get a very good advice today that helped a lot and I feel very grateful. There should be a line though where I feel inspired to write from my heart. Though I am not a very good communicator and as you see can say stupid things

  218.  #218Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 7:22 am

    Please someone tell me if it sounds not good

  219.  #219Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 7:30 am

    What a silence on the blog 😉

  220.  #220Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 7:34 am


    It is fine


  221.  #221Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 7:35 am

    Dancing Siren, i am going to play a baby game with you: are you saying it to just calm me down?

  222.  #222Butterfly Wings on July 29, 2012 at 7:37 am

    Thanks P-lala!

    It’s past midnight here and I can’t sleep. ARGH!!!

    The withdrawals from this drug are really driving me crazy – literally!!! 🙁

    I feel shaky and lightheaded and tense – like I’m preparing for a “fight”? Weird….

    Seeing as I can’t sleep I might go and practise my scripts for tomorrow… I really struggle verbalising what I want to say. Maybe I’ll write it down….

  223.  #223Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 7:50 am

    Well last time when I said he is strong he said no.

  224.  #224Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 7:51 am

    Maybe I should be doomed to be alone because I can’t say the right thing when my loved ones are in trouble

  225.  #225Starla on July 29, 2012 at 7:53 am

    Memulo, you’re fine. What you sent is fine. You’ve been dating for 6 months and a little message or two like that isn’t going to make or break things. It breaks my heart to see you picking yourself apart and second guessing your every move like this. I do not like it one bit. I want my Memulo to feel good and secure with the man (MEN!!!!) she’s dating.

    I think more than anything — more than choosing the right words to say — what could help you the most with this guy right now is doing things to shift your vibe. When men are in emotional frames of mind, they are very very sensitive to the vibes of other people, especially their women. Taking care of you as much as possible, and your feelings, will do wonders for your vibe. Listening to Modern Siren has always been a great kickstart for me to get my vibe shifted.

    I really like Rori’s “drop to your knees” tool, so that you can feel your feelings and then move past them to do something for you.


  226.  #226Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 7:59 am

    Starla, thank you.

    The funny part is that I spoke straight from my heart. Now even you are saying that it’s not such a big mistake lol. Which means you think it IS a mistake.

    It’s not about anyone in particular. I just know I am a bad communicator. If every single time I say something stupid then 6 months will turn into 6 months of bad messages. Or even 1 month.

  227.  #227Starla on July 29, 2012 at 7:59 am


    When I was on that drug, I was a mess. A seeeeeeeeerious mess. When I went off of it, I was only SLIGHTLY better, as I was still a total mess.

    I am actually just barely getting better. It’s been years. But I did very little to help myself along until now.

    It might do you some good to go see natural/eastern healers about your situation. Acupuncture in particular might speed up your recovery.

    A detox diet/life style could do wonders for your situation.

    Some really fabulous vitamins could help.
    Exercise for an hour a day, 5-6 times a week could also speed up this cr*p.

  228.  #228Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 8:03 am

    Yes, I am doing things to shift my vibe. Last night at my friends dinner all the men were after me. They were all married, but I saw their interest and when I was leaving every one of them came up to kiss me on the cheek, in front of their wives. one even had to run after me because I already left.

    It’s not about me feeling insecure with men. I just really can’t say the right thing at the right time it sounds like. Plus its hard when its all texts and we’re not on the phone.

  229.  #229Starla on July 29, 2012 at 8:04 am

    Memulo, I don’t think it’s a mistake.

    I think all your worrying about what to say and whether he will react well is the “mistake” because it’s informing your vibe big time.

    Can I ask you — what can you do to take care of yourself today and for the next few days? How can you shift your vibe?

    I feel worried about you. It’s like you’re hurting yourself with all your worrying and second-guessing and that is not how I want any of us feeling about our men.

  230.  #230ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 8:05 am

    @189 Memulo, I agree with P-lala. I understand you want to be there for him and support him in a bad time. I would too. I would respond to his text by saying, “I am here for you if you need to talk.” and then lean back. Let him come to you. Let go of your worry about where you two are at. Right now, that is not his top priority. He’s feeling lost. He needs to find himself. Then, he can come to you. I know it is hard, I know you are worried, I know you are feeling pretty lousy about things, etc. Nothing you will do or say can fix this. Hugs to you, please take care of you and try to focus on you, rather than him. I so understand where you are coming from. Be strong for you, not for him.

    I feel curious about what you wrote. I’m also in this place of not wanting to be his psychologist. I find myself getting wrapped up in what is going on. I want to be able to fix things because it isn’t good for anyone. I find myself having opinions I wish to express, but I often hold my tongue. Once in a while I slip, but for the most part I think I’ve been doing good. He does ask me what I think sometimes and I do answer him. I’m just curious, if I should be answering him or if I should be trying to completely stay out of it. Yesterday, he gave me some court papers to read. He hadn’t even read them yet. I made a few comments, but not many. It’s so hard to know what to do.

  231.  #231Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 8:09 am

    No Memulo,

    I am saying it to you because I don’t see any big mistakes, except, as Starla says, with all the stressing about it.

  232.  #232Starla on July 29, 2012 at 8:12 am

    memulo 227
    second guessing yourself and constantly being on here worrying about this guy seems like insecurity to me. you do deserve to feel more secure. you can start this with yourself, since we can’t control him.

    i am glad you’re going out with friends:)

    have you ever finished listening to modern siren?

    and can you maybe start using your dating profile again?

  233.  #233LiliBee on July 29, 2012 at 8:15 am

    You sirens really helped me put things in perspective last night.

    I went with my own car and my friend, and D followed me in his car with his son.
    He had some good quality alone time with his son in his car.

    His son didn’t want to go swimming.
    He just sat there with his ipod listening to music with his long jeans and running shoes on in the sweltering heat.
    I felt responsible for entertaining him, and bad that he was bored out of his mind.

    D urged me to go dancing with my friends.
    When I went for a swim with them, he said “go ahead and enjoy yourself” with a warm smile.
    It feels so good that he really wants me to enjoy myself 🙂
    He left early and told me (didn’t ask, it was an order) to call him when I would be on my way so he would know to expect me in an hour, for security purposes.
    He told me to stay there to sleep if I had too much to drink.
    He was so warm and caring.
    I felt cherished 🙂
    Then he called at midnight to check up on me.

    I felt so safe to have someone watching over me and looking out for me.
    I felt touched.

  234.  #234ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 8:15 am

    Starla – I feel happy to read about your date. He sounds great!

    Radlove – I feel so happy you took that step for you. I think it’s great. You can focus on you, CD, be happy about it and now the ball is in R’s court. He will have to decide how he feels and what he wants. Brava to you!!

  235.  #235ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 8:19 am

    Memulo – maybe the first step in focusing on you would be to work on your communication skills so you feel confident in yourself. I feel bad when you are judging yourself as saying something stupid. I don’t feel what you say is stupid. I would feel very happy if you didn’t either. What do you think?

  236.  #236Starla on July 29, 2012 at 8:22 am

    thanks Receiving Girl,
    I feel a little “on the hook” wondering if this guy is really going to contact me again.

    i don’t like that feeling.

    i like it when guys follow up quickly and make me feel wanted, like the date from the morning did.

    i will just lean back:)

    i made it clear i would like to see him again.

    although i did basically blow him off when he told me to stop replying to guys on the dating site and just date him for a while, lol.

  237.  #237Dominique on July 29, 2012 at 8:23 am

    Memulo, P-lala, Receiving Girl and to all who ponder what to do when it comes to offering help/advice –


  238.  #238Dominique on July 29, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Here’s another relevant piece about allowing him to lead.


  239.  #239Dominique on July 29, 2012 at 8:26 am

    Starla – YAY!!!


  240.  #240Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 8:30 am

    Thank you sirens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    He texted back that it will take him one to two years to get back to the situation that he had with the boy.

    To me this sounds like an improvement because before he was saying he lost the boy for good. So maybe in a little while he figures out something else that will help to expedite things. And also before he was kind of talking to his ex about the child, listening to her as she is the mother. The next day after this happened he went and filed for divorce. Don’t think he has any trust left for her.

    I won’t respond to his text I think.

  241.  #241LiliBee on July 29, 2012 at 8:31 am

    It still bugs me that he works so long and hard to pay for a flashy car.
    I still judge him for working to pay for those material things being a priority before spending time with me.
    I don’t want to compete with a flashy car and a motorcycle.
    I understand men’s need to flaunt their ‘success’, but when I feel not important and last on the priority list…

    I want to live and share my life with a man some day soon.
    I don’t want to live with someone who will toss me aside and neglect me so he can put all his money on things that make him look good.

    He had told me he would sell one of his 3 vehicles to have less debt and be more available to me.
    He hasn’t delivered coz he sorta ‘has’ me and no longer felt he had to.
    So I’ve been going on my own and having fun without him, and he feels he’s missing out.

    I won’t complain, I will tell him how disconnected I feel about us not spending quality time together.
    It’s up to him to find a way to fit in my life.
    When I’m ready to stop being afraid of intimacy, I’m sure he’ll make himself available, or an available man will show up.

  242.  #242Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 8:38 am


    SmartCD doesn’t give me much details about his fight. Well, didn’t in the past. The only time I saw the papers, i.e. the accusation that she went with to court is when I visited the day after the hearing happened and he was saying – how is it possible, I didn’t DO anything, there was never any complaint, they misrepresented my text messages that were just sarcastic in response to her extreme rudeness, put a few together out of context and accused me of being sick and POTENTIALLY dangerous.

    At the very beginning I expressed that I feel like building our story and don’t want to hear about the ex. If you feel like it you may perhaps express something similar?

  243.  #243P-lala on July 29, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Great articles and insight, Dominique! Thanks so much for sharing.

  244.  #244P-lala on July 29, 2012 at 8:41 am

    RG – With regard to how to ‘help’ your guy when he asks, I’d suggest reading Dominiques articles (above). They are spot on and I think they’ll be a big help.

  245.  #245Dominique on July 29, 2012 at 8:42 am

    P-lala – 🙂


  246.  #246Starla on July 29, 2012 at 8:46 am

    It feels really good to be sitting in my comfy bed, working on this project I got through my side business, making money, listening to good music:)

    and it’s also lovely that the internet company hasn’t shut off my internet just yet, cuz that means I can work in bed and not at the local cafe:)

  247.  #247Daria on July 29, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Lilibee – I felt a tummy lurch reading ‘ I won’t complain…’

    I would for sure practice telling my CD how disconnected I feel with us not spending quality time together.

    I feel so excited about that wording , I may have a Cd tO use it w

  248.  #248Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 8:56 am

    Ironing feels soothing.

  249.  #249Starla on July 29, 2012 at 9:03 am

    My heart is swelling with love for everyone I know and for my life.

    It feels amazing to have this heart-swelly feeling — no CF needed 🙂

  250.  #250Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 9:07 am

    I need to change this vibe.

    I feel like I’m walking backwards. I myself am the only one responsible for feeling like this. I’m allowing things to happen again.

    I need myself back. I was feeling terrific a few days ago. I want to go back to that.

  251.  #251Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 9:10 am

    Why is it so easy to go back to old patterns. Why did I do it if I knew I would feel like this again.

    I have too many things on my chest I need to let out. Don’t know how. Crying doesn’t help. Not anymore.

  252.  #252Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 9:14 am

    I’m feeling so unloved.

  253.  #253Daria on July 29, 2012 at 9:14 am

    I wana my CDs to give me a salt and coconut butter scrub… Yum

  254.  #254Daria on July 29, 2012 at 9:17 am


  255.  #255Starla on July 29, 2012 at 9:20 am


    do you ever listen to abraham hicks on raising your vibe/frequency?

    it’s a little ‘out there’ (because it’s a woman supposedly channeling a collective cosmic being by the name of Abraham), but the content is actually pretty good and might have you feeling good.

  256.  #256Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 9:22 am


    I’ve never heard of that. I might just search it

  257.  #257Femininewoman on July 29, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Memulo do you judge yourself as stupid?

  258.  #258Daria on July 29, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Ugh I feel so Triggered at the ‘serenity’ prayer

    Because so may people seem to feel good with it and I feel very wary and turned off by it even pre Rori

    People feeling good about it has me questioning my own self and beliefs

    I don’t believe in can’t , as in cant change

    That’s my wisdom, to tell that there’s no difference

    I feel all shaky and jumpy from one foot to the other


    I don’t want to be the one to feel stifled by something that so may people promote

    I feel angry at that prayer and how powerless and sad and hopeless it makes me feel


    I feel excited by my insights and my secret knowledge that there’s no cant . Yay that feels thrilling

    The words of that imply that I’m not wise, as I seem to not be willing to accept the difference

    To that I say ha

    Wise is def one of my gifts

  259.  #259Femininewoman on July 29, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Jasmine your awareness is heightened. Your shift is on the way. It only gets better.

  260.  #260LiliBee on July 29, 2012 at 9:37 am

    I’m feel so impatient and p’d right now.

    I can’t find a skirt.
    I feel wary of running around to pack an overnight bag to go somewhere.
    I’m sick and tired of always going somewhere, looking for things, scattering them and not finding them.
    I feel impatient and p’d at being disorganized.
    I want my things when I want them where I can find them!
    I feel ‘dizzy’ from going around in circles.
    I feel disconnected and not grounded.

    But at the same time, I want to go to D’s house and lie in the sun reading a book, and dip in the pool, then go to dinner.

    I feel stuck here in my appartment, going around trying to get things done and not finding my darn skirt!!!

  261.  #261Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 9:46 am


    258 – Thanks. That felt really comforting.

  262.  #262Femininewoman on July 29, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Lilibee I see you noticing the good things about D

  263.  #263Daria on July 29, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Wow I feel teary eyed and excited 🙂




    WIZ KHALIFA the rapper just left a WINKY FACE on my status on my social site!!!

  264.  #264Femininewoman on July 29, 2012 at 9:51 am

    LiliBee sit still for a while and put your hand on your heart and send yourself some love and compassion

  265.  #265LiliBee on July 29, 2012 at 10:02 am


    Thanks FW, doing that right now.

  266.  #266LiliBee on July 29, 2012 at 10:07 am

    OK, sitting here with my hand on my heart.

    The heck with the dirty dishes, the heck with the dirty floors and dirty bathroom.


    What will be perfect is how relaxed I will feel in D’s company lying by the pool soaking in the sun reading my Christine Arylo book.

    When it gets cold and rainy in the fall, I will have plenty of time to tidy up my place.
    I will look back, and feel smiley and happy that I enjoyed my summer 🙂

    Off I go!

  267.  #267Rori Raye on July 29, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Shirley – Please follow your feelings here. If he doesn’t feel good, just say exactly what you said to us next time he texts…”I’ve enjoying dating you, and yet don’t feel we’re on the same page about interest in a relationship. Wishing you luck…Shirley.” And then cut off contact with him….Love, Rori

  268.  #268Daria on July 29, 2012 at 10:19 am

    it wasnt realy wiz khalifa

    im taking it as a sign !

    i really believed it

    my vibe feels so great and i feel like im realy important and poweful

  269.  #269Daria on July 29, 2012 at 10:26 am

    that one guy who flew me to florida then freeked out and turned into weirdo and texting my dad is still harassing me online

    i blocked him on facebook and now hes writing rude stuff on my messenger

    i feel sad a lil scared, uncomfortable, angry

    ive felt this way many times

    i give myself permission to Love feeling this way

    yay 🙂

  270.  #270QUEEN BEE on July 29, 2012 at 10:30 am

    I am a first time blogger. I just want to thank you ladies for being here for me.

  271.  #271Tam on July 29, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Daria, as much as I hate that the guy who flew you to Florida turned out nasty (((Daria)))
    I do feel slightly envious and want to be flown out to Florida too 😉

  272.  #272Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 11:01 am


    Well I have sent an e-mail to S. Telling him that I am sticking to my decision to detach and break up at this time.

    And also being honest completely that I do care, and even the way I see things and that it feels hard to me and I need to detach, and really have this space.

    He wasn’t leaving me alonhe before.

    Of course things could TOTALLY be different IF he ever goes into recovery for real.

    I feel relieved to have sent it.

    And my heart feels at peace.

    I was unsure whether to send it, so I made myself wait a whole day… but I still felt like I wanted to.

    who knows if it was the right thing but as I said I feel peaceful with it now.

    Next steps will be changing my FB status, and at some point collecting my stuff from his.

    But I am just giving things time.

    There is no rush.

    Now we need space, and time.

    I don’t know if he will respond to what I said in the e-mail. But I feel happy I shared.

    Like I have done everything and said everything I wanted to.

    I really do love him and wish him all the best, and feel like this part of our journey is separate.

    Now I intend to focus on ME and make MY life the absolute best it can be.

  273.  #273Daria on July 29, 2012 at 11:12 am

    My fave CD is makin it happen cuz I asked to get picked up early and now he’s getting me and getting a hotel for me for 4 hours while he’s in class (I told him I wasn’t sure of I’d be available after his class cuz I want to get out the house early and might get busy)

    I feel a lil afraid now that this is not as romantic as I want

    Cuz u said of course I’ll chill 4 hours at the hotel

    But hearing myself saying it I feel silly like whoa that’s a long time

    And also he said hey bae do u wana get a hotel

    And I said

    I feel confused u want to get me a hotel

    And he said something like that

    I felt afraid he was asking me to get it

    Also the last two guys I slept with are best friends and now I got a message that they want to come see me together (I haven’t seen either of them in months)


    I said sure I’d feel happy to see them

  274.  #274Daria on July 29, 2012 at 11:13 am

    I know I’d actually feel great relaxing at the hotel and even having a walk around and also I’ll get to shave and wax my legs 🙂

  275.  #275Daria on July 29, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Tam – yes it felt good to have that… i feel way more comfortable with receiving like that in general now

  276.  #276Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 11:15 am

    FW, I jusge myself as not being a smart communicator and say things that only hurt me in the end.

  277.  #277Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 11:17 am

    I have a girlfriend visiting today. look forward to have a day of fun, walking in the park, having ice-cream and chatting! 😉

  278.  #278Daria on July 29, 2012 at 11:17 am

    the best friend guys i feel a bit bad about… well i still feel attached to the last one … might be cuz he was the last man i had sex with

    and i feel a bit sad he didn’t pursue me more

    and that he’d be willing to bring his friend with him to see me

    i also feel amused!

  279.  #279Tam on July 29, 2012 at 11:22 am

    I also feel sad MrU isn’t pursuing me anymore…grrr…well, what to do.
    I have decided to make a profile on okcupid. I want to date myself silly when back in Florida.
    Just because I can!

  280.  #280MissStix on July 29, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Hello to all!

    I’m new to commenting here on Rori’s blog, and felt like jumping in to say hi! 🙂

    A little about me…I’m 28, divorced (due to infidelity on his part), and currently in a relationship with a man for 1.5 years. Marriage is not a priority for me as of now. I’ve only been out of my first marriage for just over 2 years.

    I have found an incredible man in my current boyfriend. However I feel a little taken for granted as I spend a lot of time at his place, and very little time by myself at my place. His mindset is that I am there when he wants me there, and I go home when he needs alone time. I am hoping to correct this small problem. It makes me feel a little out of control.

    I’m not new to Rori, but i’m hoping maybe I can gain some new insights from her blog and followers. I need all the help I can get! So thanks in advance!! 🙂

  281.  #281Raven on July 29, 2012 at 11:26 am


    In the next day or so I think my boyfriend is gonna ask me to marry him. I’m hoping to ask some questions and be able to get through moderation so I can talk this through. It’s not really something I can talk through with my friends or family.

    We’re soooooo compatible in soooooo many ways! I could tell you those things, but they’re not the things that are causing the worry.

    The negatives:

    * I have a small bit of money from a divorce and he’s been living on the edge for a long time, so I think the money would go if we got married, because he needs so much. And his kids need a lot, and his mom needs a computer, etc. etc., etc. It’d be difficult to keep a my own separate account and see all those needs and say no, no, no, no, no… What I’d really like, if I got married again, would be to share everything, but I see a never-ending pool of need.

    * He’s very flirty when we’re out and about, and he’s very handsome, and there is body language going on between him and the pretty girls we see, and I feel threatened, even though I’ve been working on my self-esteem. We have talks about it and he says I’m insecure and jealous. (I think he’s lacking in manners in that area.) Just recently we were out and I went away for 3 minutes and came back and he was dancing with the prettiest girl in the room. At a party at a seminar I was attending! He was a guest there. He said she asked him, and if it’d been a slow dance, he’d have said no, but he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. This eyeing other women and finding ways to attract them is a recurring event in our relationship and I don’t like it, and I worry that it wouldn’t stop if we got married. It could possibly even happen more, if he’s the kind of guy who would feel trapped.

    * He has a s*xually transmitted disease (two varieties of the same) and I don’t want to get it and then break up! You know?

    * I’m far away from my family and I’m wondering if I want to commit to being this far away forever. He can’t move for various reasons. His kids are here and we get with them at least once a week.

    We’re not having s*x now. I told him I would put myself at risk if we got married, but not this side of marriage. (Is that reasonable?) I know there are things we could do that would carry less risk, and we’ve tried doing those things, but I’ve come to a point where I just don’t want to any more because I worry too much.

    So I think he’s gonna ask me to marry him. He has a ring, he’s been talking about September, and he just hasn’t asked me yet.

    He’s not one to talk things out! He thinks we get into arguments and not-fun conversations that way.


    If we can’t talk it all out, maybe I should just say no? Even if I could picture myself with this guy? Are there just too many huge negatives?

    I’d love to see what this looks like to someone else!

    Thank you so much!


  282.  #282Rori Raye on July 29, 2012 at 11:41 am

    Hi MissStix, Welcome, and I think you know what to do! Start by creating a great life at your OWN place – with your own things, and start inviting HIM to come to YOU! Love, Rori

  283.  #283Rori Raye on July 29, 2012 at 11:42 am

    Welcome, Queen Bee…I edited your comment so it wouldn’t be in all caps…I know that’s hard for some women with vision difficulties – so hope continuing in not all caps works for you. So looking forward to your next comments and your story! Love, Rori

  284.  #284Miss Bells on July 29, 2012 at 11:46 am

    I am sitting here crying.
    The party was a huge success.
    HS was knocked out-and also by my mix I made for when the band stopped playing.
    But–he couldn’t even mention that I looked good. Others did but not him.
    And he made a few impatient remarks including this morning while cleaning up. I needed to run to the bank in his car but I wanted to finish my coffee and he said “we need to move this along.” in a harsh tone. He couldn’t WAIT to rush out and see what’s her name.
    He is still pretending to our friends that every thing is normal. He may be ashamed.
    I was all set to go to my writer’s thing in Seattle, but my dear friend has had a death in the family-her elderly MIL. I was planning on dog-sitting for them when G died.
    So–I have to cancel my trip.
    I didn’t tell him, it’s none of his business.
    When I come back–from 3 miles away, not Seattle, I will have a car.
    I know I need to get out before the holidays unless my emotional state changes a lot.

  285.  #285Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    I have just text my boss at the pub to ask whether anyone else can cover my shifts where I would be scheduled with S in the next 2 weeks…

    I am leaving the pub then…

    I told her we have broken up.

    It all feels really final now!


  286.  #286Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    ((((((Miss Bells)))))))

    I still feel weird reading your posts.

    I feel triggered.


    Like why are you keeping up this pretence with him? Why are you helping him pretend to all your friends.

    Why are you letting him treat you like this?

    I just can’t believe there are really NO other living options for you.

    Maybe that you don’t really want to leave or you are afraid. That you still think you can save this relationship.


    Sorry to be harsh and this is exactly what I would want to be told if it was me.

    And the way I see it, there is NO chance for the relationship all the time you continue allowing him to treat you this way and just taking it…

    Well maybe being grumpy and upset but accepting the treatment none the less.

    I know you have said you are going to get out.

    Please do it… right away.

    Sending you strong vibes.

    You are worth so much more.

    Other Sirens – am I out of turn to give such strong advice here?

  287.  #287Layla on July 29, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Hi Rory and Sirens:
    What does this mean?:

    “Circular dating only works one way – you get to CD- he doesn’t”

    Does that mean that if I know he is seeing other women, I shouldn’t bother with him? Even if I’m seeing other men Isn’t that what CDin is all about?

    I just purchased Targeting Mr. Right and I don’t recall this advice.

  288.  #288Starla on July 29, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Aw, V texted me and said “I meant to tell you yesterday when we met that your pictures on POF don’t do you justice. You’re much cuter in person”

    awwwwww that feels WONDERFUL to read.

  289.  #289Miss Bells on July 29, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    I AM looking on Craigslist.
    This feels so….dead.

  290.  #290Starla on July 29, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    I took myself to brunch to do my japanese homework and the waitress sat me next to CF’s dad’s painting. It felt triggering but it’s getting better.

    I had a vision of living outside of the country and it felt really strong.

  291.  #291Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Sitting here.

    Gonna have dinner soon.

    Feeling – blank!

  292.  #292Starla on July 29, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Dancing Siren,
    I am getting such powerful vibes off you.

  293.  #293Miss Bells on July 29, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    This is the thing–If I wanted him back–moving out and letting him have WHF without any static would be the BEST way to do it. But I am not sure at all I do want him back. He is disloyal and I don’t trust him anymore. I know even in his good phase he can be very cruel.
    Yesterday before the party began I got the check I have been waiting for from Texas.
    He asked me how much it was.
    Me- “about the usual”
    Him–“so-how much”
    Him–“that’s not a real answer” Pouty face…
    “You know EVERYTHING about my business and won’t let me know anything about yours” I just LOOK at him.
    Him-“5 thousand”
    So I just said yeah.
    Now–he is not interested in the $$. He knows all he will ever see is the $400 for rent. Period. He was trying for a sense of intimacy that he is unwilling to support.
    I would like to say–“Look, as things stand we don’t have the kind of relationship where this kind of openness is appropriate.
    So-I don’t want to share my business with you anymore”
    But–it may be a moot point.

  294.  #294Starla on July 29, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    Ladies, CL texted me to ask me out, and I felt all cringey and tightened up, so I told him that I felt a little scared saying this to him, but that I still actually feel pretty freaked out and turned off after what happened, so i don’t know when I will feel comfortable going out with him again.

    and he acted really confused and started begging me for another chance to hang out with him so he could show me it’s a fluke. That if I could be in his company I would see that he’s not needy or clingy. and just sent me sooo many text messages, after me trying to tell him that i just felt freaked out, and he kept trying to side step the issue and ignore what i said, even though i kept saying “hmmm i feel really unheard.” And he kept saying “well let’s just meet up and if we can’t resolve this then I will say goodbye to you for good.”

    and i kept trying to tell him i don’t want to burn any bridges, i don’t feel good having a man forcing me to decide permanently about him after only 2 dates, and that it all feels really controlling, that it would feel better to let things naturally happen instead of being told to pick after 2 dates how I felt about him. and he kept saying he didn’t understand.

    And I finally told him “it’s not that i need to be in your company to feel comfortable. that felt great. It’s that you seem to self destruct and give me needy grief when I don’t give you what you want or talk to you for ONE day. It feels really freaky and I don’t want to keep explaining myself about it.”

    and then he texted some more things and then bid me good bye.

    and then a few minutes later he texted me that he just signed the contract on his new house. like the conversation we had didn’t just happen, and like he didn’t just say good bye to me.

    it was VERY challenging for me not to just be like “dude you are a freak, you know that? you are really needy and need to look at yourself or you’ll never have success with women.”

  295.  #295Linda on July 29, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    You are clearly a smart, beautiful, caring woman…let the man who is meant to love you find you in a state of mind and heart that is open to him….
    Not sure who posted this in this thread. But it is beautiful!!!

    This is what I feel and believe about myself and what state of mind today……

    THe relationships I have been in, the CD’s the conversations have all had a hand in contributing to who I am am at this very moment. The good and the bad of them. THey simply are what they are, I can not fix anything in them. All I have is today and if granted to me tomorrow… so…. embracing all of me I am going to walk forward.

    I went out with girlfriends last night. Concert at a winery, drank, ate, danced and had a blast. After that we went to one of the gals homes and had a midnight swim! I enjoyed myself, with no thought of or wish that I was doing all of this with a man present in my life and sharing it with him instead. It was a new experience for me. I felt whole!

    I was so glad I was not “with” anyone last night. Maybe it was the wine but I looked that the crowd and saw men and women all sitting together and I did not feel sad or lacking. I saw something else. I saw men and women sitting together, disconnected and lonely. I saw women that wanted to get up and dance but did not because they were “with” men who did not want to. There was one woman who came who left the man she was with and came up to dance by me. We made eye contact and smiled… she said I just had to join you !….. haha I infected her with my free happy self. I enjoyed watching her be happy in that moment. I caught myself deep in thought about the last relationship I was in for a moment, remembering how bad I felt when we would go out and how alone I always felt in his company… A friend said … hey this is supposed to be fun not serious torture. I snapped out of my thoughts and realized just then how much my vibe had changed. YIKES…. I told her I was remembering something unpleasant and she said… leave it !! back to the present girlfriend!

    Today hmmmm It feel like I have crossed some invisible barrier and I am really good place and am. I want to feel in the moment, every moment of day and remember how it feels to be like a little girl again, spinning around in a whimsical slow motion moment.

    I still feel calm and peaceful today. I feel free from investing energy into anything or anyone that does not want me, love me, join me, inspire me, deposit something good in me, respect me, appreciate me or help me. It sound selfish when I type it all out but this is a part of my journey to having the life that I want.

    Today I am open, more than ever before. I feel expectant…. I dont know who my man is… but I can feel him on my horizon. I feel energized and tinglie. Now I am off to get my nails done… pink I think!

  296.  #296Starla on July 29, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    or just go into teacher mode, like “you’re a great guy, but you really hurt your chances with women when you act like this.”

  297.  #297Starla on July 29, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    yay linda!!

  298.  #298Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Feeling Panicky Sirens


  299.  #299Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Miss Bells,

    I was thinking more that moving out would be the best thing for YOU…

    Not him.

    And then you wouldn’t have to sit there and cry and feel like this and deal with this.


  300.  #300Smile on July 29, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    237- dominique

    Thank you for this. I’m letting strumming man deal with his own stuff. He did come to me on Friday and ask for advice. I replied “may I suggest…” after reading your post I feel reassured I did the right thing. This makes me feel smiley like I’m on the right track. Thank you for helping me feel positive about my journey.

  301.  #301Smile on July 29, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Starla- re
    it was VERY challenging for me not to just be like “dude you are a freak, you know that? you are really needy and need to look at yourself or you’ll never have success with women.”

    This made me chuckle!

    V sounds nice!

  302.  #302Smile on July 29, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    ((dancing siren))

  303.  #303Linda on July 29, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    It is my sincere hope that all of sirens can speak our truths to the people that need to hear them instead of here.

  304.  #304Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    I just removed my relationship status on facebook, so now it doesn’t show anything about my relationship status.

    I feel really triggered right now.


    Maybe I should have left it a bit longer.

    I know we are not supposed to worry about the man… or be in their business, but I feel worried.

    Well, what I mean is I hope he is ok.

    Ok, I need to reframe this and think of him as a strong, independant man, with choices.

    He knows that he CAN have this relationship, IF that is what he chooses.

  305.  #305Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Linda re 303

    I feel curious about this comment?

    Was it for anyone in particular?

  306.  #306Smile on July 29, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Dancing siren re 248 and ironing!

    I wish ironing felt soothing for me! It feels stressful. Up until a week ago I never had an iron. I found the hair dryer worked fine to get out the creases. However I realised I should prob get one. So the first bit of ironing I did I put it on full heat instead of low heat… Burnt a hole in my new dress an hour before I was due to go for my weekend away 🙁
    Fortunately it only burnt the hole through the under skirt and so I could still wear it, although a but scratchy where the material has burnt. Oops!

  307.  #307Linda on July 29, 2012 at 1:25 pm


    Nope not for anyone in particular just a hope for all of us, me included !

  308.  #308Smile on July 29, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Radlove- I felt proud reading about you delivering your no friends speech. This gave off a good vibe! Your so shifting girl!

  309.  #309Smile on July 29, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    Tam- any offers from your housing request you put out? I was thinking about you.

  310.  #310Smile on July 29, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Linda- 303
    This is kind, thank you. Here’s to not stuffing feelings and being true to ourselves.

  311.  #311Smile on July 29, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Oops I’m hogging the blog. I’ve been away for 4 days so had a lot to catch up on!

  312.  #312Linda on July 29, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    Yeah!! what does stuffed feelings and unsaid things do really? I have not said many a thing I needed to say. It has not served me well.

    Thank you Smile!

  313.  #313Smile on July 29, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Finances- from sirens on last post, trying to get their finances back on track.

    Here’s something which has helped me which I would like to share…

    I have several ing accounts with different names for different things I’m saving for. Each month I put a little away into my holiday account, even if I don’t have one booked. I have a shoe account that I put a couple of pound in so when I have enough I don’t feel guilty to buy a pair. I have a car account so that it doesn’t sink me when my car tax etc is due to be paid.

    Saving a little each month sounds obvious but I have found splitting my accounts to allocate the money feels manageable to me. I think you can have up to 10 different sub accounts which you can give a name to.

    Hope this gives help to anyone interesting in feeling more financially secure.

  314.  #314Smile on July 29, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    Linda312- this was the problem with me with ex of 2 years. I knew I ‘should’ be sharing my feelings but felt silenced by the inability to know how to communicate in the best way so ended up saying nothing. Now thanks to Rori I have the tools!

  315.  #315Starla on July 29, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Smile, thank you for sharing your savings approach:)

  316.  #316Starla on July 29, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    I want male attention. I feel needy right now.
    I can feel that part of me wants to run away from me, and drug myself with something — sugar (I’m eating pie, lol), male attention, etc.

  317.  #317Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 2:11 pm


    303 – That is exactly what’s happening with me and I can’t feel any better. I feel like I have too many things on my chest that I would really like to say. Like now. I feel really heavyhearted.

    But sometimes people don’t want to listen to what we want to say.

  318.  #318Dancing Siren on July 29, 2012 at 2:12 pm


    I am going to be a total biatch!

    And approach this with that mindset.

    Like seriously, he is an adult, not a friggin child, he makes his choices and then he gets the consequences, JUST like the rest of us.

    I am not going to mother him, or worry about him. I am a woman, NOT his mother.

    I want a strong man, I intend to treat men as such.

    I don’t know why I was even worrying about it… like seriously, it is his choice… his life.

    Just like mine is mine.

    And since when did worrying help anyway?

    Its just another form of overfunctioning right?

    Yeah my Inner Biatch is coming out, and it feels a little bit better.

    I do SO have to remember this though.

    That I am not responsible for another human beings life.

    It lightens my load.

  319.  #319Smile on July 29, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    I felt good dancing this weekend. I felt good giving to my friend, I organised her hen weekend as her bridesmaid. I feel boastful that I made it feel really special for her.

  320.  #320Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    I am so crying like a little baby. My heart feels so hurt.

  321.  #321Smile on July 29, 2012 at 2:23 pm


  322.  #322Tam on July 29, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    Hi Smile!!!!
    Makes me feel so nice that you thought of me!!!
    Yes, I had some offers on the housing, one really good one of a spare room at a sports club, so I was thinking: socialising with fit people included also. Yippie. Not sure it will still be there in Sept, but there is hope!!! And also, it means I don’t need MrU’s Condo anymore, so I don’t even need to get into contact anymore and can lean right back!!
    I miss him tho.
    But I made a new dating profile at ok cupid..phew, just finished now, took me HOURS.

    I have decided that it is foolish to want a man who thinks it is ok to not make contact for over a week.
    I mena, I knew what he was like anyway, but it’s shown me that even with experimenting and all the tools in the world – it is what it is.
    I would do myself a disservice and I want to do myself a service instead – hence new dating profile.
    I do miss him but it will go away…yes it will.

  323.  #323FlowerChild77 on July 29, 2012 at 2:25 pm


  324.  #324Tam on July 29, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    And smile, I am glad you had a great weekend…yay to you! 🙂

  325.  #325MissStix on July 29, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Thank you for the welcoming advice Rori! It is wonderful to have confirmation of what I need to do for myself.

    I have decided I won’t bring up my feelings regarding this issue to him again. He knows how I feel about it and it comes down to me 100%. Since our only problem is a passive one I am truely in control of it. Even if it doesn’t always feel that way. It’s up to me to be at home more than 50% of the time. It’s up to me to remain firm when I plan to be at home and he asks me to change the day for him. It’s up to me to say “I’m sorry but i’m staying at home _____ and I don’t want to change it, but I am free ____ and you are welcome to come over.”.

    I think I will start by being at home at least 3 days this week and 4 next week.

    I just need the strength to let go of my “second home”, and stand firm in my decision. I know I have the strength. I had it when I said no to moving into his place.

  326.  #326Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    I told him yesterday “I feel like this situation didn’t affect you in any way like it did affect me”

    He said “Well honestly it probably didn’t but there’s nothing you can do about that”

    I feel so embarrassed. I can’t get this through my head. I don’t care whether you feel or don’t feel but please just don’t talk to me like that. Please don’t. It hurts.

    I have too many stuffed feelings. This is too much.

  327.  #327kdr on July 29, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    Here is where I’m confused about the “You can circular date but he cannot” thing: In the beginning, I date him and others and I assume he is dating around as well. After 3-6 months, if he does not bring up the exclusivity talk, am I supposed to ask about it (assuming I want commitment from him)? And, if I am, and he says he isn’t ready yet, then what? He is (I am assuming) still dating around, so I cannot exactly ask him to stop while I continue to to circular date, can I?

    I may be ready for a commitment, but willing to give him some more time to get on the same page, but how does this equate to him not being able to continue to date others?

    Oy dear . . . confused

  328.  #328Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    I want to keep crying but I have puffy eyes and they do get really bad.

  329.  #329Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Where is my self esteem. I lost it at the moment.

  330.  #330Starla on July 29, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    ohhh jasmine. i am SO in your fan club. i think you’re an amazing lady. and i am sending you virtual hugs.

  331.  #331Francesca on July 29, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    From Inner Bonding’s Dr. Margaret Paul

  332.  #332Miss Bells on July 29, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    The crying thing is really strange.
    I am not a cryer AT ALL.
    I made a no crying pact with myself at age 12 and have mostly kept it…
    It feels like all the grief of the last years is pouring out.

  333.  #333FlowerChild77 on July 29, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    (((Jasmine))) Try putting some cold cloths over your eyes for a little bit, it will help the swelling.

  334.  #334Starla on July 29, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    ((((((((((((((((miss bells))))))))))))))))))

  335.  #335Starla on July 29, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    i did not go to my lunch date today because i have this job to finish. I haven’t met him yet. We’ll call him J. So he texts me right now asking if he can take me to the jazz club tonight and I say blah blah i’d feel better meeting somewhere simple first. So he says he just wants to see me. Awww, my heart melted reading that. So then he asked if I wanted to meet tonight for something simple. I said yes, somewhere in my neighborhood, and asked him what he thinks.

    He said just tell him when and where.

    Is this him leading? If he tells me to tell him when and where? I can tell he’s just eager to meet me so he can get this courtship show on the road already haha. Can I just tell him to meet me at the diner or the park?

  336.  #336Starla on July 29, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    lol, nevermind, of course it’s okay for Starla to tell him okay boss meet me at the park at 7

    second guessing myself LOL

    i so got this. i know in my heart where my vibe feels best, and I choose to honor it.

  337.  #337Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Do we kill love or does it die by itself?

  338.  #338Starla on July 29, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    yay, super hot guy that i went out with last night just texted me to invite me to go out again tonight:):)
    i already have plans though.

    weee i feel so desirable.

  339.  #339Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Starla that’s good!! It’s raining men lol

  340.  #340Starla on July 29, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    yeah, hooray for online dating, lol.

    i intend to manifest a non-online date this week, just for good balance:)

  341.  #341Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    Keep it up woman

  342.  #342FlowerChild77 on July 29, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    ((((Miss Bells))))

  343.  #343FlowerChild77 on July 29, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    Where is SilverMoonbeam? Did she change her name?

  344.  #344Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    I feel unsexed and untouched. I need a man.

  345.  #345Annie on July 29, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Dominique says:

    “Something to consider when dating in the search for your “the one”. You will tend to attract the kind of man you want the more you heal and get clear within yourself, the more you release and let go of stuff from the past which no longer serves you, when you “get” that you may have once been attracted to what’s familiar even if it felt bad, but now you are gaining clarity on this too. ”

    How true this feels.

    I am feeling less attracted and attracting less of what felt familiar, like family, like love, bad and awful and dysfunctional controlling and was not love at all.
    Pain and torture hell!
    And have found some boundaries, am transforming.
    My outsides and insides are changing places, switch back now and again, so not a complete transformation yet!

    I don’t ever want to go back to that girl I was and tolerate such bad treatment and emotional pain again.

    I want a relationship that feels like heaven not hell.

  346.  #346Annie on July 29, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    Memulo, Receiving girl,

    Rori says,

    “Ditch the bad boys. Ditch the hard-to-get. Ditch the distant, the unavailable, the porn-addicted, the confused.

    Ditch any man who isn’t “into you” the way you want.

    Ditch your romantic fantasies and make up new ones.”

    And married men and separated men are unavailable unless they are divorced.

    My question is what do you want an unavailable or available man?

  347.  #347Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Feeling better all of a sudden. Strength is coming back.

  348.  #348Queen Bee on July 29, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    I’ve been dating a emotional unavailable man for over a year. Each time I let go he comes back drawing me in because I feel lonely. Iam trying hard to stop feeling this way.

  349.  #349Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    I forgive myself. And I forgive you even when you didn’t ask.

    Peace in my heart. Peace in my life.

  350.  #350Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    I am beautiful and the harder the times, the more I learn. Life is beautiful if you make it beautiful.

    I’m making myself happy. Only I can do that.

  351.  #351Healing Waterfall on July 29, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    Hi Memulo,

    Hugs….I know how you feel and I hope by the time this posts, that it has resolved for you, but I know just how you feel.
    What all the other sirens said made so much sense and I hope that cleared some up for you and that you got yourself something for your bday instead….
    hugs to you…..

  352.  #352Dominique on July 29, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    Brava Smile!!! – #300


  353.  #353Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    Making myself a really good sandwich for dinner, showering to get fresh, and watching an awesome movie, my favorite comedy!!

    All about Steve


  354.  #354Miss Bells on July 29, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    Why does part of me feel sorry for him–like I don’t want to be mean to him or hurt his feelings?
    He is doing the WORST thing he could do, doing it with out finesse, but still LYING to me.
    Why do I care how he feels…?

  355.  #355ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    @236 Starla

    I feel you are handling it perfect. Lean back and see what he does. 🙂

  356.  #356ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    @237 Dominique

    Thanks for the link. You are right and it is very hard to bite my tongue and even though I know I have, I haven’t been doing it enough! 😉

  357.  #357Annie on July 29, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    Miss bells, hugs.

    Do you want a man who lies?

    I don’t lies destroy love.

  358.  #358ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    @242 Memulo

    Thank you. I’m often around when he’s talking to her on the phone. I’m not exaggerating when I say she is constantly bothering him. He doesn’t answer many of her calls. Then, she will call from a child’s phone and he will answer that for sure. You know how cell phones are and how you can hear both sides of the conversation, so I hear much of what is said, but he will usually tell me what was said anyways.

    It doesn’t really bother me knowing what is going on. He wants to share it, so I listen.

    It worries me that Mr. Observant could be in the same place as SmartCD with texts. Plus, she’s already using his illness against him. Jabber has already recorded a phone call or two. The thing is that she is pretty nasty all the time, so I don’t think it will accomplish much. He stays pretty level headed, but once in a while he lets his emotions get the best of him. I know it’s hard, but I wish he’d be able to be cool as a cucumber all the time. It would look a lot better.

  359.  #359ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    @244 P-lala

    thanks 🙂

  360.  #360Miss Bells on July 29, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    @357 It’s not that I want him as he is now.
    I am grieving love (mine).

  361.  #361Starla on July 29, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    Thanks Receiving Girl — you’re probably catching up on the blog and seeing now that he did contact me:)

  362.  #362Starla on July 29, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    It’s raining so me and J cant meet at the park. We’re going to the sushi restaurant in my neighborhood instead, my choice.

    I feel a little nervous but since my first 3 online dates reallllly liked me, i am starting to get more confidence:)

  363.  #363ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    @346 Annie

    I often feel judged when you refer your posts to Memulo and myself. I would rather not feel that way. I feel curious as to what happened in your life to promote laser eyes regarding divorce, unavailable men, custody, etc. I often feel your opinion of men in general is they are bad to the core. I would be interested to know where this all stems from, if you are willing to share.

    To answer your question, Mr. Observant treats me like gold. He’s separated from his wife. Yes, he is legally unavailable, but will be available in time. Neither one of them wants to reconcile. However, he is not emotionally unavailable, which has been every other man I have EVER dated.

    He is sweet as pie, he is a gentleman, he wants to make me happy, he wants to take care of me, he wants to provide for his children, he wants to be a good father, he appreciates me, he talks to me about anything and everything, he listens to me, he helps me, he makes me feel like I’m the most important person in the world. He is a really good man.

    The other day, he was helping an older woman and talking to her. When we were leaving her, she looked at me and said, “You are very lucky to have him!” I smiled and said, “yes, I know.” After she left, he turned to me and said, “that is nice to hear. But, I am lucky to have you!” After that he was practically skipping like a child to the car and said, “Let me get the door for my lady.”

    I feel taken care of, secure, safe, authentic, free, happy, trusted, appreciated, honored, etc. when I’m in his presence. I don’t even have to call him out on things. When he does something not that great, he realizes it and he will say, “I’m sorry, that was rude of me (or I was being rude).” To me, I would be punishing myself to walk away from that knowing he will be legally available soon enough.

    I know you feel differently about it. That’s ok if it’s just not something you would do for yourself. You don’t have to agree with it.

  364.  #364Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    RG #358,

    Careful with texts. But SmartCD did not send any unusual or mean texts. his texts were very plain and not at all about their relationship or emotions. You would never think they could be misinterpreted in any way. But they were.

    It feels to me that perhaps you need to feel deeper and decide where your line is that you wouldn’t want to cross in terms of the information . It is not clear to me what you would agree or disagree to know.

  365.  #365ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    @361 Starla

    Yes 🙂

    I’m caught up now. Good for you…you are on a roll with the men!

  366.  #366Starla on July 29, 2012 at 6:04 pm

    I know I’m not Annie, but I think she was copying and pasting Rori’s words. I’ve seen Rori address this a number of times. Which “dates” me as a follower of this blog (since 2008 wow)

  367.  #367Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    I agree with #363 RG. I should add that I used to have a rule of not even start talking to men that are not single or divorced. It was a good rule and then got an email from SmartCD and decided to make an exception for just one email. Then it was an online chat. Then more emails.. phone conversation.. another one.. first date. He has a habit of sending cryptic texts and making plans last minute. and when we just met it drove me nuts. Before I realized that he actually means every cryptic word he says and he never knows when he will see the child again because the ex is super mean and changes plans all the time, so he has no choice but not plan in advance, And for some women that would be a deal breaker but I decided to stick longer and it turned out that once he does make plans they’re the best I could imagine. I may not say it very well. but with him all the ‘red flags’ that I heard/read about turned into green just because sometimes things are NOT the way they appear. I met 40-50 year old bachelors who are not capable of saying one sincere word except for ‘I’ maybe. And then I met him who makes me feel that things are the way they should be just like I read in that children’s book years ago.

  368.  #368Linda on July 29, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    Jasmine… sending you a hug. I have had weeks and days and moments that I felt overwhelmed and all I did was cry, and cry and cry. Feeling unloved, unwanted, discarded, unappreciated, ignored. hmmmm ugly long list there is such a downer. I have cried so much that I simply have gotten tired of having puffy sore eyes and the headace that comes the with it for me. I have been in a place just like you described longer than I really want to admit. I dont believe that love dies. It is a powerful force, it morphs and changes and rests and moves. We cant kill it.

    Smile: Yeah for gaining knowledge and tools to help us be better and happier. I am a fledgling in this stuff. I am great at sharing in black and white, male driven energy… the softer feminine feeling speak is tuff for m still. This is my focus now and often feel like a fish out of water. I had sooo much I needed to share with my last guy. Thing is, when I did he did not hear me. He filtered everything thru a self focused ear. He responded negative put downs and I shut down. I felt like I was casting my pearls before swine. I turned self protective. Yep zipped up my heart and stopped putting effort into sharing and did “out the window” all the time. It sucked. I kept feeling like a failure at sharing my feeling messages. But now I am feeling like I did okay with them, he just did not give a sh#t about me or anything but himself. He Definately is not “my man”, even though I told myself he was. Love doesnt ache like that!

    Miss Bells …..I agree with DansingSiren…. this man you are co-habitating with is occupying the space of your true…real man. Your man will not treat you like he does. You should have better, the choice is yours. (hugs)

  369.  #369Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:24 pm


    Annie used both Rori’s and her own words in this recent post and more of her own words in her prior posts on the subject. And this is ok, everyone is entitled to an opinion and I understand that Annie cares about us and wants us to be happy. I feel that both RG and myself tried to say that there are exceptions in any rule and sometimes you just go with what you feel is right.

  370.  #370Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:27 pm


    It’s great you are not agreeing to the same-day date with the ‘it’ guy lol. He will appreciate you so much more.

  371.  #371Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:31 pm


    I think I would try to step away from the guy and give myself some space. I know the types that can easily make a sarcastic remark out of your hurt feelings, I don’t have much respect for them. I actually think they are the worst, apologies since I don’t really know the person.

  372.  #372Jasmine on July 29, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    368 – Thank you Linda.

    371 – Memulo,

    I know exactly what you’re saying. The hard thing about this situation is not the situation itself but his behavior towards me. I do not deserve it.

    I don’t want to hate him. Or resent him. That’s done nothing for me in the past. Right now all I want is peace in my life.

  373.  #373ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    @364 Memulo

    I haven’t felt uncomfortable with any information shared so far. However, I do feel the need to “help” when he shares information. I feel I am not in the middle of it (per se), can see things clearer and I have numerous thoughts. I don’t want him to get screwed because he didn’t think of something, but I did and chose not to mention it. I’m trying to hold back, let him be the man and handle things (his own things, his own way), but I haven’t done that 100%. Sometimes he asks my opinion, but sometimes I have just offered it, usually referenced with maybe you should discuss this with your lawyer & see what he thinks. I need to work on biting my tongue better. It’s really not my business.

    The only time I felt uncomfortable was when Jabber was harassing me and now she stopped that, but keeps bringing me into their conversations. Making accusations towards me, claiming I’m doing things and to her, that I am not doing.

    I told him about my feelings and he is very respectful and understanding of them. He tells her he won’t be discussing me. But, that doesn’t stop her from bringing me up ALL the time.

    She doesn’t want him, but she also doesn’t want him to be happy with someone else. That really gets under her skin. It will be a long, uphill road where she is concerned. I pray she will get to a better place.

  374.  #374ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    @366 Starla

    Yes, Annie was quoting Rori, I know that.

    @367 Memulo

    I also was always against dating a man who had a gf or a wife. I dated one previously whose “ex-wife” was actually his wife. I never would have dated him if I knew. I’m not interested in breaking up any relationships or dating men who have no intention of ending things with her.

    I agreed to date Mr. Observant, with hesitation and a lot of pre-thought, only because they were separated and there was no chance of reconciliation. If there was any chance, I would not have gone there. He was very upfront and honest with me from the beginning.

  375.  #375Memulo on July 29, 2012 at 6:53 pm


    you may really consider a restraint order.

  376.  #376ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    I feel icky regarding all this negativity I have for my parents. I was there for 45 min. today and all I want to do is clam up and not talk. Again, I said one thing about something I plan on doing in my garden and I got met with negativity, a look of “that’s stupid” and told how I shouldn’t do that. I felt judged again and then I don’t want to share anything.

    I also was told by my mom how she saw a hairstyle on tv that would look soo cute on me. On the surface, yay, that sounds nice. But, under the surface, it’s not nice because all she ever wants me to do is change my hair because she never likes it the way that I wear it. It’s a put down, but with a smile.

    I was hesitant about going today and almost coming up with reasons to put it off and not go. Mr. Observant looked at me and said, “you make it sound like a chore”. I felt bad hearing that, but he is right.

    I spoke to him on the phone tonight and I told him what happened and how I felt, which I don’t want to be negative about them with him, and he said he was sorry. Then, I said, you know what you said today about me making it sound like a chore? He said, yes. I said, well, yes, sometimes that’s how I feel.

    I want to heal this. I’m just not sure how to get there.

  377.  #377ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    @375 Memulo

    If it’s necessary, yes. However, I don’t think it will get there. She has stopped contacting me.

  378.  #378siren song on July 29, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    i feel so much better than i did 4 months ago. i feel happy, peaceful and content.

  379.  #379ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    Siren song

    Yay, I feel glad to read that! 🙂

  380.  #380siren song on July 29, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    yeah, RG, i need to start heeding my own intuition!!

  381.  #381ReceivingGirl on July 29, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    Yes, siren song, I’ve learned that lesson plenty of times in the past.

  382.  #382Starla on July 29, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    I just got back from my first date with J from POF.

    I was the most nervous about meeting him. More than any of the other dudes. But again, I had nothing to be nervous about. He thought I was killer hot and sweet and funny and smart.

    And I thought I would like him the best, but actually, I liked him the least. How funny!

    So every single date so far has liked me very very much.

    This is doing wonders for my confidence.

  383.  #383Starla on July 29, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    i seem to just have my pick of men. this is great.

  384.  #384Starla on July 29, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    LOL, the really fine guy from last night is ON IT trying to get another date.
    i accepted:)

  385.  #385Shirley on July 29, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    Dear Rori & the Ladies:
    Thank you Rori for your comment. I really appreciate it. I also appreciate the mantra “Trust My Boundaries, Follow My Feelings, Choose My Words, and Be Surprised”. It took me a while to figure out where my boundaries are and how I am feeling….and circular dating has helped me to figure out a lot of it. After the interaction via the inapproriate text messages yesterday, I decided I need to understand my boundaries and my feelings and put them first. I don’t want to feel like a possible friend-with-benefit. And I didn’t know if that meant things come to a screeching halt with this guy or not…but I did know, I didn’t want to continue feeling this way. And there are a few other things that were bothering me…but most importantly, I needed to know what I wanted, and how to express them.
    I remembered the interview(s) with Christian Carter re: communication, when, how and make it about me (not about him). No blames, just sharing my feelings on things. And also the interview from Bobby Palmer: Talking in Headlines. So he and I ended up having an hour long conversation. We touched on a lot of serious topics but the whole conversation stayed fun, fair and safe for both of us…I was so surprised!

    I let him talk for a while about his day, and his time with his family, etc., then I brought up the text message, and how it made me feel uncomfortable. He responded, “I didn’t mean for it to feel bad.” I replied “I get that, you didn’t do it to make me feel bad. I just felt uncomfortable.” I was surprised at how well he took it! No arguing about it, no defending either of our positions beyond that point. He said he thought I would come back with one of my smart and funny remarks, but it got complicated. And I said it didn’t get complicated, I just don’t feel the comfort level with him yet. And poof, it was addressed! Then I proceeded to tell him I noticed he uploaded new photos to his dating profiles. He gave me whatever answer he was giving me, and I told him about my profile on which he didn’t know about. Then I told him what I am looking for. Mind you, while he contacts me almost daily, we’ve only been out 4 times. So I said “I am looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. A true companion. I thought that’s what you were looking for as well, that’s what I read on your profile. I would not have corresponded with someone only looking for short term dating or hooking up, hanging out.” I did not meet any resistence. Surprised again! Then I asked him, how come he only referred to the women he dated as his “friends”, not ex-girlfriends. He actually gave me an explanation. No anger, and not evasive. Then I asked him when was the last time he had someone he called his girlfriend…he said it’s been quite a while. Then I asked, what is the difference between the friends and the “girlfriends” he’s had. I was again surprised that he chose to articulate it, and then he told me, it takes him a while to get there. He’s always heard people say, they fell in love with their best friend. He would really like to have that. I asked him if he’s ever had it…he said not, maybe all the way back to when he was in high school, but it’s different when you’re a teenager. I agreed with him. I noticed he felt safe in this conversation, so did I. We were still warm and kind with each other, there was humor and exchanges about each other’s lives. I also noticed he didn’t say anything to push me away, or evade the possibility of things going somewhere. While I am not looking to be a girlfriend….I was really surprised by the outcome, and I feel I have learned so much! I didn’t try to control him or the outcome of the conversation….all I did was to focus on how I felt, and where my boundaries are. Sure, I was really worried AFTER I hung up the phone…thinking I pushed him away. And unfortunately, I leaned forward by texting him later in the afternoon. But I decided, anytime I find myself leaning forward and overfunctioning….I just need to regrid myself, and lean back. Remembering, it is totally fine if things don’t work out with this guy….the least I would get is to not get uncomfortable text messages 🙂 But surprisingly, he is still around, texting me and sharing with me. I am not sure if he is my Mr. Right, but I am learning so much, it is constantly shocking to me! Thank you Rori for your tools. Thought I would share this with you to thank you and with the ladies…. I am still circular dating, seeing other men. And hopefully what I’ve learned here will lead me to something that will bring me happiness and fulfillment in one form or another. Happy Dating everyone!

  386.  #386Starla on July 29, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    oh snap, i’m going to need to buy some clothes. i wore my first date dress with all these guys, and nothing else fits ut ohhhh

  387.  #387siren song on July 29, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    yay starla!!

  388.  #388Turquoise on July 29, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    Reading all about the stress with dating a separated or divorcing man hit home for me a lot the last few days. I’ve said all along and kept in mind that Mr. Conversation isn’t really available. In the beginning, we spent a ton of time together, some by ourselves, a lot with our kids, and it was really fun. We’d stay up talking super late… he always asked to see me or what my plans were. After we slept together, he still did a few times, but then went out of town for a few days, and since he’s been back, seeing him has been limited. He’s been so awesome about my website, and I know he’s spending a lot of time on it… but he’s told me he isn’t sure what he wants from me, not a good time for him, he isn’t ready for a serious relationship… very open and honest. And while I say I understand and shake my head yes, it doesn’t change the fact that I want a serious relationship. And I like him. What makes this even harder, is that he has a baby. They still see each other a lot and spend time together with her. So, while from everything he’s told me, I can’t imagine they’ll get back together…. she’s going to be a big part of his life for a long time, and I don’t know if I can deal with that. I can tell from his facebook posts too, that he’s not in a good place about women. He’s in a negative place, and it takes time to get out of that. He really opened up to me on his way home from a wedding Friday night, telling me how happy he was for his friend, but that he felt he’d used up all his chances and wouldn’t get his dream happy ending. I took that as he didn’t see me that way, but he said that I wasn’t understanding him, that when I say things like that (felt he wanted to just be friends) that it was pressure. I feel like I’m trying to let him off the hook, telling him it’s ok if we are just friends, and he won’t take it. He says things about how discussing his feelings for me would be a long discussion. I’m so used to men bolting on me, I don’t know what to do with him. He’s not leaving. he’s not stepping up to be my man either, but he won’t take the out. Instead he says we have a good thing going, wants me in his life… I feel so puzzled. He said he doesn’t want to see other people, and that he needs me to be patient, but while I understand that, I still feel alone. So, after much thought, I sent him this. I know I don’t need to explain, but I needed to do it to feel good about me.

    So, tonight I texted him to say,

    I feel like it’s time for me to start dating again. Not telling you feels bad, like cheating, but we aren’t even dating each other, and I don’t know what you are expecting. But I don’t want to keep secrets.

    Him: Cool who’s your date? 😉

    Me: (not happy with his response) Not a topic I want to discuss with you.

    Him: I was teasing… I do appreciate you being direct with me and saying something.

    Me: It’s what I would want.

    Him: What is what you want exactly? Are you upset with me about something?

    Me: ? I meant I would want someone to be direct with me. Treat others as you want to be treated type thing.

    Him: That’s because you’re not evil like most 🙂

    Me: Nope, and I’m not mad at you.

    Him: Good. I’m glad I don’t have to slam you.

    Me: What?

    Him: 😉

    And that was it. It’s hard because we have done so much of our conversing through text message lately. We’ve finally started talking on the phone, which he hates, but mostly about the website.

    So while I know I don’t want to get attached to an unavailable man, and I understand how horrendous divorce is, and that you can barely take care of yourself let alone someone else… I don’t have guy friends, and I’d hate to not have him in my life. I’m not in love with him, but I’m enjoying him. I want more than he has to give. Which sucks.

    I turned my POF profile back on tonight and emailed with a few guys. Tues. night I have a movie date with the chemist… and hopefully this one will go better than the first. Some guy wrote to me and knew my name. I didn’t recognize him, but he said we’d talked 3 years ago…. and he remembered me.

    Mr. Conversation is my vision board guy. Hard to not want to cling to him and that possibility. But I want more. I still want him though too. Guess I’ll see what happens. I’m not over functioning with him though, no more helping and saving. He is more than paying me back with the website, and he is a taking care of his woman kind of guy. It will be good for him to not feel we’re unbalanced.

    My girls leave tomorrow… looking forward to the freedom. Wednesday night I have a girls night planned with my psychic. Can’t wait! Girls will be with their dad this weekend too… I need some fun dates planned to keep me on my bridge.

    I did get a candy order today for 50 Minnie Mouse favors for a friend’s daughters first birthday in October. 🙂 That made me feel great! I have a craft show that weekend also.

  389.  #389Emerson on July 29, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    Hi sirens
    I want to believe there are still good men out there above the age of 35. I feeling a lil discouraged with online dating in my area as well as online job searching. So it’s all about networking for me now baby!! In both areas. Kinda experimenting a lil bit.

    I had a random thought today..I want to drive to Vegas and go shopping and then drive back the next day. I need an adventure and I need a copilot!

  390.  #390Turquoise on July 29, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    Why am I in moderation?

  391.  #391Emerson on July 29, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    Raven thank you for sharing about your situation.
    You seem to have some really mature boundaries and looking out for yourself. I feel that these issues you bring up don’t have to be deal breakers but talking about things and being open is huge.
    If he can’t do that I’d see if he would be willing to do counseling??
    Also being awa from family is a big decision. How does your family feel about it.?
    I’m thinking you are so young and you can choose from a whole pool of men that don’t have kids and lots of $ money problems….maybe that sounds shallow but it’s true.

  392.  #392Starla on July 29, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    you’re really good at taking care of you

  393.  #393Starla on July 29, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    Actually, I’m not sure if I liked this guy tonight at all. I feel disappointed — I thought I would like him the best.

    I have been feeling really weird since I left the date. Like something’s not right.

  394.  #394kdr on July 29, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    @layla #287,

    My questions (#327) are similar to yours. I don’t see that anyone has yet addressed either your question or mine. It is confusing to me: if I am only to become exclusive after I have the commitment I want, who brings up the conversation about commitment? And if he says he isn’t quite ready, do I then ask that he not date others (while I do) until he decides? That wold be obviously bizarre since he’s never been exclusive with me to begin with.

    Daria, you seem to be very well versed in Rori’s teachings. I only have the e-book and this isn’t addressed in-depth. I would love it if you would read my question (#327) and Layla’s (#287) and give us your take.

    I think there is something I’m missing, but I can’t put my finger (or anything else) on it.


  395.  #395Rebecca on July 30, 2012 at 12:06 am


    Hi, I don’t understand this bit…

    Him: That’s because you’re not evil like most

    Me: Nope, and I’m not mad at you.

    Him: Good. I’m glad I don’t have to slam you.

    Me: What?

    Him: 🙂

    To me I thinking it feels like a dig, an emotional stab?! I would feel really upset if someone spoke to me like this. I have actually had men speak to me like this.

    This to me doesn’t sound like a conversation, it sounds like something else? What do you think?

    Feel free to ignore this if you don’t find in relevant.

  396.  #396Ella on July 30, 2012 at 12:36 am

    Queenbee re 348

    Don’t try to ‘stop’ feeling anything hon.

    Maybe something new and easier, embrace that feeling, even if its icky, and then choose to ride on on your horse instead of repeating the old behaviour that you don’t like (calling him) despite the lonely feeling.

    Youi’ve already taken the first steps!


    What do you think?


  397.  #397Ella on July 30, 2012 at 12:46 am


    Hello honni,

    Don’t worry, just keep reading Rori stuff and it will fall into place.

    Regarding your question, if it has been a few months it is fine to bring up what you want from a relationship… communicating in the Siren way… you would talk about this in a general sense, rather than what you want from HIM. You would be sharing your aspirations, and then being open to really hear where he is at.

    Ideally we are inspiring the man to want to sew us up, but not every man will. If it turns out for some reason he is not ready for a relationship we let it go.

    We can continue dating him IF he is not dating anyone else.

    However IF we find out that a man is dating other women, if it was me I would drop him out of my rotation, I would stop dating him.

    Its not to be mean or unfair, its to do with how it makes me feel, my self esteem, and also masculine and feminine roles.

    The umber 1 criteria for men I date now is that they have to be totally into me.

    That leaves no room for other women.

    This is how I see it.

    However I believe anything is ok IF you truly feel totally good and Rockstar about it… but check in with your feelings.

    No pretending.


  398.  #398Tam on July 30, 2012 at 12:49 am

    I feel frustrated. The same guys who contacted me on POF now contact me on OKCupid….is there no variety? 😉
    I also read your posts, Memulo, RG, Turquoise and it just makes me fearful…because, you see, I had a brief relationship with a man who had been divorced for nearly 2 years and there were still so many ex-issues, like him doing anything for her, including her walking into his house as if it was hers, when she felt like it, going through his stuff etc. Her and the kids (more understandably) had a licence to do anything they wanted whatever time they wanted to do it…I came even after the cat (no joke). When I said that I don’t feel comfortable sleeping in a bed with a cat + hair in my face, he (the most caring and sweet man) said: ‘you’ll get used to it’.
    It was like this: either I fit into everything just as it was, or I had to leave. So I left. Because they were still a family and I was the mistress and she lived next door (he was even checking on when she was at home, and what new dates she had etc)
    So now I am super fearful of even dating a dicorced man with school-age children, let alone a separated one. After reading your posts, I told all the separated men who had contacted me that I am not interested in meeting with them, and I will most likely do the same with the recently divorces/small children. I just can’t deal with the drama, and I understand this will cut my options down considerably…
    I feel pretty frustrated, because I keep thinking back on MrU and how I felt like being his priority….and it felt pretty good..and now he’s gone. I know he’ll be back in touch but the long periods of no contact and the non-committing are not what I want.
    I want him to be happy yet feel sa sad to think he might be dating others…I feel stuck.

  399.  #399Smile on July 30, 2012 at 1:18 am

    Good morning tam- @322

    I feel glad you are wanting only the best for yourself! I’m certain it will all work out. The room sounds ace! If by any chance its not available in September it’s because your right place is still out there to find.

    I wonder if miss bells has thought about doing this to help with her living situation?

  400.  #400Tam on July 30, 2012 at 1:55 am

    Hi Smile – thank you 🙂
    I think Miss Bells said she was looking in craigslist…

  401.  #401Smile on July 30, 2012 at 3:03 am

    I’ve never heard of craigslist till now. What a great place, just checked it out. I’m feeling positive for miss bells.

  402.  #402Annie on July 30, 2012 at 3:09 am

    Receiving Girl

    “346 Annie

    I often feel judged when you refer your posts to Memulo and myself. I would rather not feel that way. I feel curious as to what happened in your life to promote laser eyes regarding divorce, unavailable men, custody, etc.

    If you feel judged you feel judged.
    I would have no problem dating a divorced or widowed man.
    And what other people chose do is up to them.

    “I often feel your opinion of men in general is they are bad to the core. I would be interested to know where this all stems from, if you are willing to share.”

    That is a judgmental thought not a feeling.
    If that is what you think that is what you think, it feels pointless to defend myself against other peoples judgmental thoughts

    To answer your question, Mr. Observant treats me like gold. He’s separated from his wife. Yes, he is legally unavailable, but will be available in time. Neither one of them wants to reconcile. However, he is not emotionally unavailable, which has been every other man I have EVER dated.

    He is sweet as pie, he is a gentleman, he wants to make me happy, he wants to take care of me, he wants to provide for his children, he wants to be a good father, he appreciates me, he talks to me about anything and everything, he listens to me, he helps me, he makes me feel like I’m the most important person in the world. He is a really good man.

    The other day, he was helping an older woman and talking to her. When we were leaving her, she looked at me and said, “You are very lucky to have him!” I smiled and said, “yes, I know.” After she left, he turned to me and said, “that is nice to hear. But, I am lucky to have you!” After that he was practically skipping like a child to the car and said, “Let me get the door for my lady.”

    I feel taken care of, secure, safe, authentic, free, happy, trusted, appreciated, honored, etc. when I’m in his presence. I don’t even have to call him out on things. When he does something not that great, he realizes it and he will say, “I’m sorry, that was rude of me (or I was being rude).” To me, I would be punishing myself to walk away from that knowing he will be legally available soon enough.

    I know you feel differently about it. That’s ok if it’s just not something you would do for yourself. You don’t have to agree with it.

    If you want a man who is at this moment in time unavailable.
    And you feel happy.
    That is what you want and what you feel.

  403.  #403Queen Bee on July 30, 2012 at 3:52 am

    Thanks,Ella I don’t even think it’s him. I can give him up pretty easy. It’s just that I get so lonely. It’s like my soul is crying out. What’s crazy for me is for the most part I have a happy and health life…This enpty feeling is driving me crazy….

  404.  #404ReceivingGirl on July 30, 2012 at 3:57 am


    I completely understand why you would feel that way given your experience. You need to do what feels good to you. If that means no divorcees, then so be it.

    Mr. Observant feels good to me. I don’t believe he would allow her to be that involved. He doesn’t right now. Only time will tell. I would agree with you that I wouldn’t want that. Yes, she will always be around, but there are also boundaries to be set.

  405.  #405Turquoise on July 30, 2012 at 4:13 am

    Thanks Starla for reminding me that’s what I’m doing, taking care of me. 🙂 and I should. I learned all this for a reason right?

    I’m so happy you are dating and enjoying yourself! Can’t wait to hear more about it!

    Hi healing waterfall! Haven’t seen you in awhile 🙂

    About dating a divorced man, it depends on the situation. It’s not always a bad idea, even if they do have kids. Some couples have it all worked out, so there is not much stress. Don’t count them out entirely! 🙂

  406.  #406Butterfly Wings on July 30, 2012 at 4:19 am

    404 Turq: I’m with you re the divorced man thing. My ex and I only got divorced in June, but we were well and truly over two years before that. When our marriage ended, it was over.

    He’s now living with a lovely girl and they’re talking marriage.

    And from my perspective, TH and I were together really early on, and I still love him to bits, although due to my “illness”, I’m not sure he’ll be sticking around.

    He’s just returned from overseas, he’s sick, he’s tired and his grandfather just passed away, then he came home to have to deal with my emotional drama, which is lessening, but until the hormones wear off, it’ll continue for a while.

    Poor guy… :-\

  407.  #407Annie on July 30, 2012 at 4:39 am

    On reflection.
    We are all on a journey going inside. re connection to true core.
    Until we do this we are not able to truly connect on this deep level to another. So until we find out and truly ask ourselves and say no to what we don’t want
    we are unable to say yes to what we do want.

    So when I ask what do you want. I don’t really feel the need for an answer.
    As I am asking that person to ask themselves that question and answer it for themselves.

    Just as once I have made that discovery for myself of what I don’t and do want, that’s it.
    Doesn’t matter what anyone else says I don’t want to ever betray my soul and settle for anything else to what I do want again. 🙂

  408.  #408Femininewoman on July 30, 2012 at 4:42 am

    My belief is that a divorced man has already demonstrated that he is not scared of commitment. The marriage RELATIONSHIP failing doesn’t mean he is a failure or that he could not successfully lead another relationship. It takes two to tango and many women unconsciously sabotage their relationships. Given a choice I would choose at divorced man at 50 yrs old rather one at that age who never married because marriage is important to me.

  409.  #409Femininewoman on July 30, 2012 at 4:59 am

    Turq. Could I suggest you see him as looking and being LIKE your vision board guy. Not your vision board guy. At least not yet? Your vision board guy will be ready for you and wanting you in his life. I would check internally to see where I am not ready for my own vision.

  410.  #410Rebecca on July 30, 2012 at 5:17 am


    Hello, you know I feel like I am learning so much, but I have this real fear of saying anything positive incase it all gors wrong…

    Why am I so scared to have feel confident? It’s almost as soon as I start to feel myself being confident I then imediately start to go ‘wobberly’… Ahhhh…. This annoys me about myself… Yada, yada, yada…


  411.  #411Smile on July 30, 2012 at 5:28 am

    Rebecca, one of the tools is visualising! You should check this out, the law of attraction is all about positive thinking too! I’ve made a vow to myself if I’m positive I will attract it into my life, so please don’t feel bad about being positive 🙂

    I would love to hear something positive about you!

  412.  #412Smile on July 30, 2012 at 6:40 am

    I feel so sad seeing group pictures of my family on Facebook. We weren’t invited 🙁 It was my granddads party. We were the only ones not there.

    I feel sad for my mum, she is the eldest and her step mum has taken her dad away, she treats us like outcasts 

  413.  #413Ella on July 30, 2012 at 6:41 am

    Re 409


    I felt like that too at first and still do sometimes.

    Although most times I just do feel confident now… Or if not I decide to ‘act as if’ aka fake it till you make it.

    Its something about not wanting to tempt fate, and of course it is based in fear.

    What helps now is to let go of my own agendas, and the outcomes I ‘think’ I want, and to develop a trust that instead the Universe will give me what I *need*.

    This helps me to relax and feel more confident… less worried about screwing up.


  414.  #414Smile on July 30, 2012 at 6:57 am

    New thread up 

  415.  #415Raven on July 30, 2012 at 8:27 am

    Hello Emerson!

    Thanks so much for your opinion. After I posted my comment, I was reading some of the other comments yesterday and realizing that this is kind of a tight-knit group, so I didn’t really expect anyone to answer.

    I did actually get a proposal yesterday! And a ring and a date. And we had a lovely drive into the country. It was a bit casual and it’s like we’re just talking about the idea of him proposing, but he showed me the ring and said with a smile, “wanna marry me?” so that was pretty special.

    I still have the complications! But maybe we could live part time here / part time there, and maybe our businesses will become really profitable and maybe I can weather through the outbreaks – soooooo many other people do! I do really love this man and he’s good to me!

    But you’re right! There’re probably more qualified men out there who would be just as loveable, and closer to my kids and there might be less stress in other areas!

    So I’m thinking about those things. You’re so right! It’d be so great to live closer to my family!

  416.  #416Tam on July 30, 2012 at 8:31 am

    407 FW, I totally agree with you, in fact that was my motto also. Until I was involved with a divorced man who wanted his family life back the way it was and hadn’t completely moved on. The drama that all that created just made it impossible to have a normal relationship (and instead of being able to speak to him properly, I clammed up – that much was my fault). He was not prepared to compromise on anything, i e if the ex-wife had asked to sleep in the same bed as us, he’d have said ‘sure, anything to make her happy’. In fact, he said that many times.

    He literally said he is committed to making his ex happy until the end of their lives…so where did that leave me? He also said he was happy she was dating as it would take some pressure off him to make her happy (they had been divorced for 2 years, by the way). As he was ‘sharing’ responsibility with another man, as it were. I wish he’d have told me all that before we got serious, I’d have RUN A MILE.

    So I am very hesitant to get involved with that kind of thing again, and very hesitant to get involved with a man who has small children and ‘drama’ with the ex-wife, rather than a mature ‘mother of his children’ type of thing..and you won’t believe how much of that is out there, I have met quite a few since. And always the men make the women out to be a little mad – every single time. And I am just not buying that anymore, a man who says it’s all the ex’s fault has not worked through his own stuff, it was at least 50% of his fault too….

  417.  #417Tam on July 30, 2012 at 8:34 am

    By the way, I have no problem with divorcee men..but when small kids are involved I am very hesitant nowadays, maybe it would be different if I had kids of my own and was divorced…not sure.
    I am not counting out divorcees at all, because sure enough they are man that were able to make a commitment once…and that’s what we are looking for.

  418.  #418Starla on July 30, 2012 at 8:45 am

    I thought we were talking about separated, not yet divorced men.

    Divorced men are of course available. They’re not married, lol.

  419.  #419Femininewoman on July 30, 2012 at 8:49 am

    Tam I believe in listening to the man. Also when it is the woman who wanted the divorce the possbility is he would still be attracted to her. A man who talks about an ex that much is a man saying he does not want a relationship. Regardless of what stage a relationship is in I tell myself I always have a choice to walk away if it does not feel good and that is what I want.

  420.  #420Radlove on July 30, 2012 at 9:04 am


  421.  #421Tam on July 30, 2012 at 9:16 am

    418-FW, that’s right. And even a divorced man can still be ‘unavailable’’s funny because at first I saw it so perfect, he was divorced (so he could commit), he is a great father (and I would never say otherwise) and a very caring person. And he was speaking of the ex-wife in such a way that I would never have guessed what was to come.
    In fact, I thought that here I had found an emotionally available ‘good guy’ (I am not saying he isn’t a good guy), but he was more unavailable than me. He said he is ‘always happy’ (which was a lie, he just stuffed everything, in the end all his anger broke out of him)….and I realise why he seemed such a good idea, because he was a caring yet unavailable man and me and my unavailability chose him….
    So yes, I feel sorry for him now because she did indeed want the divorce, and he later told me they were not in love anymore but he would have wanted to stay together for the kids, another 6 years till the youngest is off to college. In hindsight, I see that he still was emotionally attached to her…and I just could not stand that. He was a lovely man in so many ways, I feel sad for him and me also.
    But there were other issues with us also, he equated sex with intimacy because his marriage had been semi-sex-less…it was tough because he would get into a huff if one time we did not have sex and I did not like that, it felt like pressure. I once fell asleep, and he ran out of my condo at 5am because he was upset. And on the other side there was MrU, who was just doing all this lovely stuff with me and saying ‘I want to show you that this is not about sex’ clearly that was the beginning of the end. It’s not nice when you feel pressured into sex to keep your man happy – so it was all for the best.

  422.  #422Radlove on July 30, 2012 at 9:44 am

    I’m having a text conversation with a new CD. I have felt turned off time and time again in our conversation, and I think I’m just going to end it.

    I have only continued it for practice, as Rori suggests. But I think he has reached the end of the line with me:

    CD: What are your fav places to eat?

    B: I responded

    CD: He responded to his question

    B: Yum!

    CD: Maybe you can treat me to one of them sexy. LOLOL

    B: I’m old fashioned, and I don’t care what we do, it just feels good when I’m on a date and the man pays for me. It makes me feel desirable. I don’t want to go on dates where I have to pay. What do you think?

    CD: Only joking

    B: I see.

    CD: You want a man also pay for you every time you go out

    B: I feel uncomfortable and very masculine paying for things. I want to feel like a girl. I feel happy just walking and eating from taco stands and making food together. How do you like to handle money while we’re dating?

    CD: Either I pay or I pay one time girl. Pay one time or make food together.

    How would you respond?

  423.  #423Queen Bee on July 30, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    He text me”Hi honey how is your day going” that’s all I’ll get from him all day…But with having

  424.  #424Queen Bee on July 30, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    He text me”Hi honey how is your day going” that’s all I’ll get from him all day…But with having you lady to tell make it much easier not to to get in my emotions and lean back..This leaning back and loving me feels good.

  425.  #425Turquoise on July 30, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    Rebecca, he has kind of a weird sense of humor sometimes, he’s not violent or even very physical, I think he meant the slam comment in a stupid joke kind of way. He played football, is very into some kind of fighting (to watch)… didn’t take that too deeply.

    The comment about me not being evil, he’s pretty much hating women right now. He has a terrible relationship with his mother (he was abused and deglected, she let him witness terrible things, stayed with a man who regularly abused him, and won’t apologize or admit guilt to any of it. She said he was fed and had a roof over his head, that’s enough) and he’s getting a divorce. So, he pretty regularly tells me how different I am than other women, but also, I can tell he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    He texted me at work today:

    him: are we cool?
    Him 20 min. later: We have some work to do together
    Him 15 min. later: Even if you’re pissed at me we should still finish the website together so you have it in place just how you like it.

    me: We are ok. (my boss was in the room or I would have replied sooner, I didn’t tell him that)

    Him: You are upset with me though… let’s talk about it.

    me: my boss just got back from vacation, busy day.

    Him: Ok, I’ll be around today at at your high school watching a scrimmage tonight.

    I said I was child free and had some time. He just made a comment asking if I was doing something wild and crazy… I said maybe, see who’s joining me.

    We texted a little more about the website, but that’s it.

    I don’t know what to say to him now. When we saw each other all the time, that was too much for him, and for me too. I didn’t want to be an instant family. We agreed to do less, but less is almost nothing. I’ve seen him at least once a week, but briefly.

    I keep thinking back to that he’s just not that into you book. If they aren’t sleeping with you or asking you out, they aren’t that interested. I know he has a lot going on, but I don’t want to have romantic expectations or hopes on someone who just wants to be friends, which he denys, but that is how he’s acting. So actions speak louder than words right? What do I say to him now.

    That no, we aren’t cool… but I want to talk in person and not text about it?

  426.  #426Turquoise on July 30, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Radlove, maybe you could say something about just seeing how the first date feels and then discuss who pays or how that works.

    I let guys pay most of the time, but if it’s someone who really doesn’t have much or is going through a rough patch, I’ll chip in or take turns paying if it’s something I want to do.

  427.  #427turquoise on July 30, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    Does pissed get you in moderation?

  428.  #428Turquoise on July 30, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Crap, I need help and my long message is in moderation and I don’t know why

  429.  #429Turquoise on July 30, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    FW, you are right… he LOOKS LIKE my vision board guy. What got me about it, it’s not just how he looks. I cut out a caption and put it over his head that says, “come sail away with me” because he’s looking out at the ocean. I was thinking how I wanted someone who loved to travel.

    Mr. Conversation was in the navy for 8 years and he wants to retire on a yacht. One of the first things he said to me after telling me that, was asking if I’d want to go with him.

    I’m really big into signs, meant to be, kismet, so when something like that shows up, I want to believe it’s true, meant for me, etc.

    I don’t think there is part of me not ready for my vision. Maybe more the opposite… finding someone who fits it, who I’m really attracted to and really like, moving on past him, feels like giving up on that vision.


  430.  #430Layla on July 30, 2012 at 9:44 pm

    kdr – #394
    Circular dating – I had to really think about this but I think what Rori means by “You get to Circular Date, he doesn’t” – Is that circular dating is about leaning back and letting the men come to you, do for you, to be in total receiving mode and it feels good. It’s ok if a guy is seeing other women – but he has to be leaning forward to you. You don’t worry about the other women, as long as he is making you feel good. If he starts leaning back and expecting you to do the work, then he gets dropped. Yet you don’t see him exclusively until he gives you a ring(or some other sign of commitment) even if he isn’t seeing other women, you still don’t get exclusive with him until he commits. I like what Ella said about if a guy is seeing other women and it doesn’t feel good, then you drop him. I just don’t know how you ask him to be exclusive while you’re still dating other men but I think that if it bothers you that he is seeing other women, then that means you want more from him and he’s not stepping up. If he’s not stepping up then you drop him. Easier said then done, of course!

  431.  #431Paulina on July 30, 2012 at 11:36 pm

    Hi, everyone. At the end of this post, Rori says: “either you’re both way too young, here, or he just isn’t your Mr. Right”. I have a question: What is Rori’s take on guy. Things are going well. But I still ask myself from time to time: Am I insane? Is this realistic at all? Thank you for your answers!

  432.  #432sunflower on July 31, 2012 at 6:41 am

    A new CD knocking on my door.. I feel a big grin..:)
    I feel curious, and hope he is full of delightful suprises… And I feel happy, and delighted with myself..:)

  433.  #433Emoticon on July 31, 2012 at 9:33 am

    “Circular Dating goes only ONE way – YOU get to Circular Date, he doesn’t.

    If he’s seeing other women at this point – there’s a chance he sees you as a “friend with benefits.””

    WHOA really???

  434.  #434Novice on July 31, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Only just found out about Rori and already in love with her work. Then again, I’m the kind of person who falls in love very easily and then spoils it all with being too needy. Recently I met someone I thought we had a good conection with. He kept telling me everything I wanted to hear and I got carried away, imagining our future together. Only by self-analysing, I realise how desperate I must have sounded texting him three times before he replyed to my first text. The last few days he has kept his distance and hardly texted at all. Like some of you ladies on here, all I want to do is try and contact him but know I’ll feel worse for it when he doesn’t reply. This ‘lean back’ is not easy at all. I understand that he probably wasn’t ‘Mr Right’ but how do I ever find him if I scare them away at the very beginning with my neediness?!

  435.  #435Rori Raye on July 31, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    Novice – when you experiment with leaning back and Listening at Level 2 (in the ebook) – everything will shift for you. Love, Rori

  436.  #436Queen Bee on July 31, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    Novice,I like you am new her. You don’t need a man you want one.Lean back and take a breath. It’s not easy just one min,one hour one day at a time.

  437.  #437Radlove on July 31, 2012 at 8:21 pm


    Welcome! FYI, most of us post on the newest thread, found here:

    I have a tuff time leaning back, too.

  438.  #438Rozanne on August 3, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Dear Rori, Please help….

    I just don’t know what to do at this point as I am absolutely frazzled… I had a fabulous relationship with a man starting in mid-December of last year. It was loving and genuine and we were both soooo crazy about each other for several months. The love making was unbelievable!! He asked me if I would consider moving out of the country with him… or to another place…. and to start looking for places to live…. and I sent him photos and ideas, etc. etc. He was accepting of all of this at the time…. about 3-4 months into the relationship. It even put pressure on me to make decisions…. which I did….

    Then, I made all the mistakes that I am now reading about…. I got needy and more dependent and wanted to know if he was in love with me and started putting pressure on him for future commitments. He said he was in love but started to immediately back off. He just stopped getting together or making plans for us. I wasn’t seeing him hardly at all but emails and texts were still daily as we were supporting each other through some very difficult times. Over 1700 to date…

    It started tapering off around April…. and we weren’t making love anymore but he was there for me and supportive in all that I was doing in life but we weren’t seeing each other on a regular basis. When we did see each other it was a lot of hugging and caring about each other, kisses, tenderness etc. …. but no sex…

    I was a highly successful businesswoman and know that giving him direction in his business life when he needed it was an eventual turn-off for him…. Around March of this year he changed after I helped him to secure a new job position…. it just wasn’t the same after that.

    I recently backed off in June completely and even stopped all contact with him but after 2 weeks he contacted me…. so I don’t know what to think? Does he want to consider re-starting our relationship or what? What do I do? Maybe he is just grateful and wants to make sure I’m okay?? We are now at the 7 month mark and still staying in touch via emails but still not seeing each other as I have moved back to my home around 100 miles away.

    I sincerely love this man deeply… deeply….only the 2nd time in my life…. and I don’t know what to do to save this relationship or whether I am in LaLa land thinking that I can?? We are not kids as we are in our 60’s…. so we have both have had many relationship challenges in our lives…. Is there any way to salvage/save this relationship or to build it back up again? I would do absolutely ANYTHING to make this happen as we are at an age that makes finding someone so right a real challenge!! I do know that we deeply care about each other very much… both of us…. but how do I get the spark, respect and admiration back from him??? Those are my questions??

    Thank you so much for anything you can offer regarding this situation…. I would be most grateful for your help!! Please help… I do not date much and do not care to circular date at all!! Not my thing!!

    ~ Rozanne

  439.  #439Rori Raye on August 3, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Rozanne – Welcome – and the cure for you is Circular Dating. Get my Targeting Mr. Right program, get Modern Siren – start with the ebook, though (over in the sidebar here) – and read everything you can here about Circular Dating and how it works – ask questions, we’ll all help you. If this can be salvageable – you have to change your “vibe.” This is not a “bandaid.” You have to get not-clingy, not-dependent. You have to get cool, and easy-going and open. You have to learn to speak the absolute truth in the most attractive and appealing and feminine way possible. Lots to learn – so get to it, and we’ll help you. Love, Rori

  440.  #440Bonita on August 8, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    I want to receive your advice every day on

    Thank you

  441.  #441Rori Raye on August 8, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Welcome, Bonita (I deleted your last name for your privacy) – Love, Rori

  442.  #442stilllearning on September 1, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    I’m new to all this and would really appreciate some advice on how to communicate feeling messages.

    I’ve been on a few dates with a man I am starting to like. It is very early days, but I think there might be something there and want to see if anything develops. He lives in a different city but I travel there reasonably often for work and we’re in the same industry. I realise I was starting to lean forward too much and he started to pull back, so after discovering Rori’s advice I’ve made an effort to lean back.
    The thing is, we will be texting and then he’ll stop replying when we’re in the middle of a conversation. The first time he did this I caved after a couple weeks and texted him. The last time I didn’t and didn’t hear from him for a week until he texted me asking how I was and telling me what he’d been doing. I’d been on vacation, getting on with my life and my anger at being ignored had subsided. Plus, I have to admit I was happy to hear from him so I didn’t mention it. This time we were texting and trying to arrange to meet up next week. I told him my plans had changed, I’d be in town a day later than planned and asked if he was working. He took 3 days to reply. So, he may have been checking his shifts, but he should have said that.

    My question is, how do I communiate to him that this is not acceptable to me and I will not be made to feel ignored, without coming across as too heavy, needy and over-reacting? He is not my boyfriend and we have only been on a few dinner dates so far, as well as texting and emailing.

    Thanks for any advice!

    p.s. He’s British, has a military background and is not at all open with his feelings! I only know he likes me because he keeps asking me out!

  443.  #443Mandy on November 6, 2012 at 12:40 am

    Thank you so much Rori.

    I just realized what the culprit may be. J has alluded to being molested as a child. I have also been, and I have been in a relationship with a different man with this issue before (“G”). G didn’t feel very open with sex, and it seemed he felt he was doing something wrong during intimacy. Eventually the relationship ended because I kept trying to make sex happen.

    I really don’t want to hurt J. So I feel afraid to initiate anything without him first saying he wants it. I would love to know how to be open with him about this issue without hurting him. I feel incredibly empathetic towards him, and just want to hug him and tell him I understand. But I’m pretty sure I’d be leaning forward doing that…I also have the urge to tell him that even though I love him and wish to continue what we have, that I feel I need to keep my options open.

    I also feel empathetic with other women because I think this is an issue many women may have to deal with and may be totally confused as to how to go about opening up enough to allow him to open up, it is a scary subject for me as I’ve been hurt too.

    I hope there is a way to work it out. I feel anxious about it among others things and am having trouble meditating or working or today or really focusing on myself, sometimes I get stuck. I have been diagnosed with OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and take medication for them as well as insomnia. But am keeping up the square breathing and visualization techniques…

    Hoping for positive decisions among us all. 🙂