Is He Talking With Other Women Online?

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other womenHere’s a letter from Grace, who’s with a man who’s “interacting” with other women through emails and Facebook. Grace is understandably distraught:

“Rori, Help! I’m freaking out…

My man Joe talks with other women on line. He says it’s about friendship, he just needs to do it, and he’s not having sex or anything like that with any of them, and I just need to accept it.

I couldn’t help myself – I wrote to one woman that Joe had sexual emails with. I wrote to her woman to woman. We had an awesome, compassionate exchange.

And then he texted me ‘Why are you writing to people? Who else of my FB friends are you writing to?’

I told him I don’t like being lied to.

He said he doesn’t like being spied on.

So now I”M the bad guy in all this.

I feel horrible and crappy and anxious and really dirty. Please help, Grace”

My Answer:

Grace –

The work here is in really going into all the part of you that are feeling so many things: Tthe little, scared part of you that you – big Grace – allowed to take Grace over (just like letting a two-year old run you).

The part of you that felt compelled to call and then followed through with that call…

The part of you that’s tolerating being with a man who’s making you feel so bad…

The part that feels furious and enraged.

The part of you that feels guilty…

The part of you that keeps blaming yourself and punishing yourself…

The part of you that’s so mad at you for tolerating this situation…

Get those parts of you involved here.

Find out what’s going on inside you – what war between all those parts and their voices is taking place – and see if you can dialogue with all of them – one at a time.

Talk to the parts of your body (I love the “Body Dialogues” in my Heart Connection Toolkit…they will help you so much…)

And then forgive everything – all the parts of you, all voices in your head, all the things you think, do, say…anything that isn’t the way you want it to be…

And then – let the part of you that could apologize for going there (to making that call to the “other woman”), let it go and just apologize to him – because getting into “his business” is a useless waste of your time, makes you feel awful, and dumps your self-esteem in the trash can.

Never mind what it does to him or the relationship, because there is absolutely no place in a relationship for this kind of secrets and lying! Period.

Saying what you said to him is perfect.

Now – on the other hand – fighting for a man – and for total honesty – is okay if that’s the experiment you want to try.

This is YOUR life.

If you want to confront other women (and this was a good learning experience, here) and confront him – and fight for him by telling him he can’t do that and have you, too – and that you want him and you’re going to fight for him….well – then try that. Then gauge the results for yourself.

Feelings are just feelings – allow yourself to feel them and talk to all those parts of you that feel all those things…and then see if you can let your bigger self that can HOLD ALL of those parts and voices inside you go ahead, get big and HOLD them all.

You can LIVE with all those parts and feelings.

Practice giving love to EVERYTHING inside you, and then go do something you LOVE!

Living with a man, on the other hand, who’s always triggering your worst-feeling feelings is not something I’d want for you.

Love, Rori

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626 Comments

  1.  #1turquoise3 on June 13, 2011 at 7:22 am

    Wow… great article. Just reading it made me feel those scary emotions of when you know a man isn’t as committed to the relationship as you need him to be. I think it all boils down to love and comittment, and if both are willing to fight for the relationship, not against it.



  2.  #2DE on June 13, 2011 at 7:26 am

    Yes, yes, yes Rori!!!! Awesome post …I was Grace in two of my relationships 🙁 Awful feelings…don’t wish it to anyone…
    You said:
    “The part of you that felt compelled to call and then followed through with that call…
    The part of you that’s tolerating being with a man who’s making you feel so bad…
    The part that feels furious and enraged.
    The part of you that feels guilty…
    The part of you that keeps blaming yourself and punishing yourself…
    The part of you that’s so mad at you for tolerating this situation…”

    So, true indeed –

    Warm hugs,



  3.  #3turquoise3 on June 13, 2011 at 7:36 am

    DE… so nice to know I’m not the only one who tolerated bad behavior…. why do we do that? Because we love them? Because we want it to get better?



  4.  #4DE on June 13, 2011 at 7:44 am

    Turquoise:

    Oh, sad to hear we shared some of these feelings…
    Well, in my case…there were some “daddy” issues…All these men had “mommy” issues themselves…

    I also recall feeling their adoration…like my dad’s adoration of me as a child…yet, they also had my daddy’s floundering eyes…:(

    I feel happy for another chance in life 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  5.  #5Femininewoman on June 13, 2011 at 7:45 am

    What I like to focus on is forgiving everything.



  6.  #6Senior Lady Vibe on June 13, 2011 at 8:10 am

    Hello world, I’m thankful for the day. I’m also thankful for friends like J. who nudge me to do the things I know I should and who also tell me today is my lucky day. Kind of a joke. We say everyday we are alive is our lucky day. It is.
    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  7.  #7tinque on June 13, 2011 at 8:15 am

    I posted this on the last thread, silly me.

    Turqouise – Sometimes we tolerate the bad behavior because we think we can change the man.

    Sometimes because we experienced something similar as a child, and familiar is comforting even if it’s uncomfortable.

    If this is how we experienced love as little ones, then this is love to us. And these same women when confronted with warm, loving, and adoring may find themselves feeling bored or nonplussed.

    Sometimes we’re just to scared to leave the known and try out the unknown.

    xxoo



  8.  #8Mel on June 13, 2011 at 8:25 am

    Timely post. Thanks for this Rori!

    I have been letting the frightened “two-year old” Mel run the show.

    “-The part of you that’s tolerating being with a man who’s making you feel so bad…
    -The part that feels furious and enraged.
    -The part of you that feels guilty…
    -The part of you that keeps blaming yourself and punishing yourself…
    -The part of you that’s so mad at you for tolerating this situation…”

    I really just need to forgive and accept myself. Forget about him in this whole equation, just let it go and see what happens.

    Did I mention that I really LOVED LonePlum’s post to me last week? I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that and Rori’s message is another reminder.



  9.  #9Lucy on June 13, 2011 at 8:46 am

    “…being with a man who’s making you feel so bad…” But can men *make* us feel bad? And how do we know when it is our triggers vs. actual bad treatment? Is it possible that one woman’s “bad boy” is another woman’s dream man – that behavior that “hurts” one woman does not hurt the other?



  10.  #10Ladybug on June 13, 2011 at 8:59 am

    Women need to learn men’s tomcat behavior has nothing to do with them. It’s the man’s character, not a woman’s deficiency. Why would she want to keep him if he is unwilling to change his behavior? I don’t get it. Life is too short!

    Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but I never called the girlfriends. They called me! I asked, knowing I was the wife at home with 2 kids if they were proud of themselves? Then I told them, since he was already shacked with a different woman in another state, they were definitely NOT his girlfriend, they were yesterday’s mashed potatoes. “OH, get your yeast infection treated!”

    That was 19 years ago. I still love the man dearly and consider him one of my closest friends. He’s wanted to get back together a couple of times and wants to now. He visits, we snuggle and talk, he leaves.



  11.  #11Laughing Goddess on June 13, 2011 at 8:59 am

    Lucy: I feel interested in your questions about what is just our own triggering and what it truly bad behavior.

    For me, it boils down to values and boundaries.

    I’m learning that we all have different values that are important to us. Some women may highly value honesty and fidelity, whereas another woman might value excitement or mystery.

    So for the woman who values honesty and fidelity, the definition of a “bad boy” for her would be someone who doesn’t have the same or complementary values. Her “bad boy” would be a man who has a wandering eye.

    For the woman who values excitement an mystery, her “bad boy” might be a man who is faithful because she will see him a boring possibly.

    There is no right or wrong in what values we choose to prioritize but being aware of our values can help us to have really clear boundaries.



  12.  #12FlowerChild77 on June 13, 2011 at 9:46 am

    Someone mentioned aging gracefully in the last thread. I read a great book called “Inventing the Rest of Our Lives–Women In Second Adulthood” by Suzanne Braun Levine.

    EXCELLENT book! It confirmed many things that I feel and experience and gave me a whole new outlook on my age (51) and so many things to consider and incorporate into my life.

    I would suggest reading this to any Sirens who are wondering about their future and want to find acceptance of who we are becoming in the second half of our lives. It’s a whole new life we have to look forward to! 🙂



  13.  #13Rusty on June 13, 2011 at 10:02 am

    8: Mel says:

    Timely post. Thanks for this Rori!

    I have been letting the frightened “two-year old” Mel run the show.

    “-The part of you that’s tolerating being with a man who’s making you feel so bad…
    -The part that feels furious and enraged.
    -The part of you that feels guilty…
    -The part of you that keeps blaming yourself and punishing yourself…
    -The part of you that’s so mad at you for tolerating this situation…”

    I really just need to forgive and accept myself. Forget about him in this whole equation, just let it go and see what happens.

    Did I mention that I really LOVED LonePlum’s post to me last week? I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that and Rori’s message is another reminder.

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    I was going to say that the story reminded me of Mel.

    However, maybe I need to reread the story because I didn’t see where it actually stated what the relationship is. Is it her husband, fiancee, boyfriend?

    The reason I think it is important is because this site advocates something called CDing and the main reason for doing so is to find the relationship you want, and or to get what you want out of a relationship. In other words, a man could be great, he could be faithful, but if he is not giving you the marriage commitment you want, then it is alright for you to CD, which means opening yourself up to possibilities elsewhere.

    So with that in mind, I do see it as important to know the nature of the relationship. If it is her husband, then he is in the wrong. Of course he may also be unhappily married and thus looking elsewhere. Both sexes do this. Nothing new here.

    Or it could be a sign that something is missing in their relationship. What? Who knows, could be many things. I would 100% say that if a man doesn’t feel respected in or out of bed, he is just as likely as a woman to seek that fulfillment elsewhere. Still doesn’t make it right to be unfaithful. But that is how most people operate. They look for a safe place to land when they are unhappy in a relationship.

    However, this may also be a case where this is a LTR but not a marriage. One where the guy isn’t sure he is getting what he wants from the relationship and so he is looking elsewhere to see what happens. IMHO not a lot different than CDing.



  14.  #14Ladybug on June 13, 2011 at 10:12 am

    Absolutely good point, Rusty!

    The couple couple certainly need to work on communication with each other. Their skills seem to work fine with the 3rd person.



  15.  #15Femininewoman on June 13, 2011 at 10:31 am


  16.  #16Rusty on June 13, 2011 at 10:37 am

    14: Ladybug says:

    Absolutely good point, Rusty!

    The couple couple certainly need to work on communication with each other. Their skills seem to work fine with the 3rd person.

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Probably a good reason for all couples to take advantage of the many forms of communication available to us.

    If you don’t feel things are as they should be, write a letter. But make sure you read it after several hours, or even a couple of days, to make sure that it is well written and says what needs to be said. Make sure that there is no sniping and no YOU messages, only I messages. No blaming, just explaining what you feel is going on. This way the person can digest it, then come back later, either in person or in a letter also.

    There is no law that says serious things must be discussed in person.

    In fact, phones work well to, if it will help take some of the emotion out to it and allow the couple to get to the points that need to be discussed.



  17.  #17April on June 13, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Reminds me of a time I walked in on my live in boyfriend viewing a message from a dating service where women had liked his photo. Hed had several services before we met.I was hurt a nd looked up the service and found his profile showing where he wrote. ” Looking for that special woman.”We had a big argument about it and he said. ” I didnt have time to delete every service I had”. And told me he wanted to end the relationship because I was a snoop and a stalker.In the argument I told him it made me feel hurt that he wanted to throw everything away over this one incident. And the next morning I woke up crying my eyes out.He came into the room and softly told me to stop crying that we could put this behind us that he realized he didnt want to be without me and loved me.Later I looked for his picture and discovered hed cancelled the service and asked him what made him want to do that and he said cause it hurt you.Halleluyah and thank you Rory cause I remembered what you said about feeling words!!



  18.  #18FlowerChild77 on June 13, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    April, That’s great! I’m happy for you. 🙂



  19.  #19Rusty on June 13, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    April, that is great to hear. He obviously really cares about you. Even if he was “looking” it appears that he realized that he card far more about you than any possibilities that were out there.

    I guess sometimes you have to face the reality of losing someone before you realize what you have. You realize that the reality of being without them is not a very happy picture and it wakes you up.



  20.  #20FlowerChild77 on June 13, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    I just wanted to say one more thing about that the book I spoke of in #12.

    It changed my thinking. Instead of ‘getting old’ (although I still joke about it)—I am IN the second part of my life. I love the idea of ‘second adulthood’ because it feels so exciting to think/know I have another whole lifetime ahead of me vs. “it’s-all -down-hill-from-here” type thinking 😉

    I had never, ever thought of it that way before 🙂



  21.  #21Senior Lady Vibe on June 13, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    @12: FlowerChild77 says:
    “…Someone mentioned aging gracefully in the last thread. I read a great book called “Inventing the Rest of Our Lives–Women In Second Adulthood” by Suzanne Braun Levine…”

    Thanks, I’ve now ordered it from my local public library.

    xoxo
    SLV



  22.  #22Lucy on June 13, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Wow. I can’t write on the other thread, but I just want to say I feel amazed at how ppl are triggered by Rosa’s comment about medicine and her concern for ppl’s health and well-being. I feel angry about the judgments and attacks on her. I feel angry when ppl pit two “types” of healing against each other instead of honoring and respecting both as parts of a unified and natural whole. I feel grateful that I have a brilliant and compassionate oncologist who treats with both for the best health of her patients.



  23.  #23Senior Lady Vibe on June 13, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    @20: FlowerChild77 says:
    “…I had never, ever thought of it that way before…”

    I do. Maybe it’s the “empty nest.” Do you have grown up children?

    xoxo
    SLV



  24.  #24Senior Lady Vibe on June 13, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    @22: Lucy says:
    “…I feel amazed at how ppl are triggered by Rosa’s comment about medicine and her concern for ppl’s health and well-being. I feel angry about the judgments and attacks on her…”

    I don’t know what’s going on over there now but there were some unpleasant things i read earlier. I’m all in favor of each person doing what works best for them but we really, really!!! have to research and learn about our bodies and treatments and so we can discuss things with our care providers and get a hint when something is amiss or being neglected.

    Health care is health care. IMHO, it’s all one continuum. Big Pharma is rampant and I’m bothered by what goes on but equally alarming is the idea that everything that is “natural” is somehow superior and more enlightened. Leprosy is natural, so is dysentery, childbirth death and poisoning from eating some mushrooms. We certainly don’t want those!

    I suppose this means I’ll be fending off blows from all sides!

    xoxo
    SLV



  25.  #25FlowerChild77 on June 13, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    Yes, I have four grown children. Two sons and two daughters–and two grand daughters, four and six years old. 🙂 My oldest son is 31.

    I actually like the ’empty nest’ part. (I need alone time and I enjoy it.)

    I’m watching a movie ‘Stanley and Iris’ with Robert DeNiro and Jane Fonda. His character is definitely a step-up guy!



  26.  #26Senior Lady Vibe on June 13, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    @FlowerChild77 says:
    “…Yes, I have four grown children…

    Fab! I only have one… and two grandchildren. They are a lot of fun but it’s also nice to be able to take them home… hahaha.

    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  27.  #27Senior Lady Vibe on June 13, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    I’ll check “Stanley and Iris.” Right now sitting next to me are:

    “I am love”
    “Winter’s bone”
    “The kids are all right”
    “Love & other drugs

    I’m catching up on Oscar nominated films that I missed.

    xoxo
    SLV



  28.  #28AmazingMe on June 13, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    Well it is nice to read about stories like April’s Happy Ending. I think opening and letting yourself be vulnerable. I for one definately believe in, “You do not know what u have until u have lost it.” When u lose someone you love it’s a wake up call a way for you to reflect on what u really want in life. Even if that love doesn’t ever come back with that person you will have the experience that made you closer and stronger to get what u want maybe even more 🙂 Yes this is true but what do you do when u feel like this hard shell. Closed off and distant to protect yourself and your family…..hmmmm



  29.  #29Senior Lady Vibe on June 13, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    I noticed right sidebar indicated comments on thread linked below. I haven’t read this older post: “When Your Boyfriend Wants Space.” It looks intriguing. (I thought I’d use that word… but it does look intriguing!)

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/your-story-questions-for-rori/when-your-boyfriend-wants-space-focus-on-you/

    xoxo
    SLV



  30.  #30Nita on June 13, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    I wonder though what if she would have confronted him and said she felt uncomfortable with him talking to other women and that she doesnt want to be with some one who is doing this. That would have avoided her doing the research however…I understand why she didnt confront the situation. Its hard to do that especially if he isnt compliant I know that if it was me I would also be afraid to come off jealous or insecure and i would’nt want to come off that way to him. Is it better to just be sincere even if it shows our worst sides? the insecurity, the jealousy, etc.? In this case it would have been better it would have avoided the secretive research…what’s everyones input



  31.  #31FlowerChild77 on June 13, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Yes….the grandkids’ going home…always the best part. I love them like crazy, but my patience and energy are not what they used to be 😉

    Those sound like good movies. I only happen to be watching this one cuz it’s on the Reelz channel. I have an old tv (2000) and get very bad reception since they switched to digital tv, so the kids got together and got me Dish network–just the basic package, but I love it!

    They’re very good to me <3



  32.  #32Nita on June 13, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    I guess im answering my own question. It is better to show our worst sides to express our feelings even our worst ones. Its hard with someone who is lying however. If she were to have said I feel jealous, I feel uncomfortable about your online chatting…he can humor her and just lie about it ughhh men can be such fu****g scum



  33.  #33Senior Lady Vibe on June 13, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    @30: Nita says:
    “…Is it better to just be sincere even if it shows our worst sides? the insecurity, the jealousy, etc…”

    I’m in favor of sincerity which doesn’t mean I must open my mouth every single time something pops into my head.

    xoxo
    SLV



  34.  #34Senior Lady Vibe on June 13, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    @31: FlowerChild77 says:
    “…Those sound like good movies. I only happen to be watching this one cuz it’s on the Reelz channel…”

    I got those movie DVDs from the library and I’ll watch on my laptop. I have more DVDs on reserve, including “Sex and the City” episodes.

    xoxo
    SLV



  35.  #35FlowerChild77 on June 13, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    I finally got enough energy (AND it’s warm out today 65 degrees!) to clean my front porch. I got out all the spider webs and wiped down the windows/sills and woodwork and swept and vacuumed and mopped the floor. It was very dusty and dirty. Now I can start putting plants out there. It looks good.

    My six year old grand daughter will be here tonight. My son went to TX for work. The front porch is both girls’ favorite place to play at Grandma’s house 😉



  36.  #36gina on June 13, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    I definitely intend to age gracefully. Can’t believe I’m officially in my 30’s. CRAZY. Not as traumatic as 25 felt.



  37.  #37gina on June 13, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Still bummed about D. He didn’t acknowledge my birthday. WHO IS HE????



  38.  #38Rusty on June 13, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    24: Senior Lady Vibe says:

    Health care is health care. IMHO, it’s all one continuum. Big Pharma is rampant and I’m bothered by what goes on but equally alarming is the idea that everything that is “natural” is somehow superior and more enlightened. Leprosy is natural, so is dysentery, childbirth death and poisoning from eating some mushrooms. We certainly don’t want those!

    I suppose this means I’ll be fending off blows from all sides!

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    LOL, I agree with you SLV.

    And as our knowledge of Enantiomers grows, so will the medical benefits. For those who don’t know what this is, it is a molecule that has a mirror image. Often, when creating a medication, the good Enantiomer is responsible for the healing benefit while the bad Enantiomer is responsible for the side effects. In some medications they have learned how to remove the mirror image molecules and thus remove the side effects.

    As with anything though, this is not the end all be all, but just one more step in progress.

    As this is refined, once banned drugs may be rendered safe. For instance, one drug may have been great at curing something but caused a lot of birth defects. If it was the Enantiomer that caused the birth defects, this drug may, in the future, hit the market again, but likely under a new name so that it will not be linked with it’s evil twin.

    My Professor in chemistry is published in a peer reviewed journal on this subject. In fact, it was the cover story, as seen here.

    http://pubs.acs.org/appl/literatum/publisher/achs/journals/covergifs/jceda8/1996/jceda8.1996.73.issue-6/cover_large.jpg

    Lunesta is one such drug that is a beneficiary of the process to remove the evil twin. That of course does not mean there are no side effects at all. The evil twin may not be responsible for all side effects.

    However, I have read up on this one and it seems that for the most part, it is the safest sleeping pill to date and the only one approved for long term use.

    Look at it like this. Not even 200 years ago, our presidents were “bled” to aid their healing. We’ve come a very long way and we will continue to forge ahead.

    There is no one way and no one thing that is best. You just have to do your homework.



  39.  #39Rusty on June 13, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    32: Nita says:

    I guess im answering my own question. It is better to show our worst sides to express our feelings even our worst ones. Its hard with someone who is lying however. If she were to have said I feel jealous, I feel uncomfortable about your online chatting…he can humor her and just lie about it ughhh men can be such fu****g scum

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Oh come on Nita. How about the women who carry on emotional affairs in the office with that cute intern that seems to have a thing for you? Or how about that hunk of a colleague that a woman has lunch dates with?

    Let’s face it, men aren’t the only ones that do this kind of thing. Far from it. Women do it just as much if not more.

    Here’s the worst part. See, if you notice that your wife/GF/fiancee and some hunk she works with share an above normal level of attraction for each other, you as the guy will be labeled a bad guy, a controller, a tyrant, etc.. if you try to make an issue out of it and or tell her to stay away from him. Yeah sure, their just friends. Famous last words before an office affair starts up.



  40.  #40Brenda on June 13, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Hi, I’m all over the place today emotionally. I’m trying to shift depressed feelings…with some success. I took a nap this afternoon, and the cooler weather and a fan left me waking up deliciously cool.

    I got a confession to make…Ryan and I re-established our friendship last night.

    I have continued to miss him and love him, and we have had light text contact for a few months. I question myself, so I won’t be surprised if others question me. But I think if I go into it in baby steps and be ultra aware of psychological abuse in the future, I will know soon if it was a wise move or not.

    He assured me that he doesn’t ever mean to hurt me. I let that statement stand, even tho it flies in the face of past things he has done and said that were so hurtful. I decided our friendship is worth fighting for, and so we agreed to treat it like it’s brand new, and just talk about positive, beautiful things.

    I feel much happier inside, while a small part of me wonders if I made a very foolish move.



  41.  #41gina on June 13, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Ugh I feel trigerred and like relationships are hopeless…



  42.  #42Brenda on June 13, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Lucy,

    You made a very good point that what bothers some women doesn’t bother others at all. If my man were talking sexually with another woman, that would be an issue. But if I trusted him and knew where i stood with him, I wouldn’t blink an eye at him having friendships with other women by email and on facebook.

    How was your birthday? How was your weekend? Been thinking about you!

    Love, Brenda



  43.  #43Brenda on June 13, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    Gina,

    I often feel that way, too. I feel so mistrustful around men these days, at least men online.



  44.  #44Flora on June 13, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    In my experience, nothing good every comes of staying in a situation like this. If you catch a man communicating online with other women either on FB or on a dating site, you only know the tip of the iceberg. It’s disrespectful and it shows that for whatever reason he doesn’t feel you’re ‘enough’ and that he could do better. Often we stay in this situation because we have issues, usually with our father abandoning us or not being there for us and we keep reliving it with a man hoping, this time, for a different outcome. It hurts like hell to leave a man like this, but it’s always the best thing to do.



  45.  #45Buttery on June 13, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    I’ve been wondering how the masculine / feminine dynamic should works in a long-term relationship with a man who seems to be rather balanced and in touch with his own feminine aspects.

    My fiancé isn’t stereotypically masculine –he’s left-handed (right brain dominant), sensitive and artistic. And he’s better at talking in “feeling” language than I am 🙂

    However, he can also step up and be a man: making plans, taking charge, being generous to me and nurturing my feelings. I am still practicing being in my feminine energy.

    I feel lucky to be with a sensitive man, but also worried that attraction can’t be maintained if neither of us tend to be on extreme sides of the masculine / feminine polarity.

    For instance, I feel so turned on when he‘s more sexually dominant, and would love it if he were like that more often. I haven’t told him this though.



  46.  #46Brenda on June 13, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    Buttery,

    I can relate…I had much the same dynamic with Ryan, who is very sensitive and artistic. One time Rori told me this type doesn’t usually make a very good partner. But for me, I’d rather have a sensitive man with whom I can talk at a deep level than a man’s man who brings home lots of money and gets things done.

    I’m just ultra-sensitive and feel best when my man is sensitive alongside me. Like last night, when Ryan said he feels so bad over all the pain I’ve been struggling with the last two years over him. He said little by little, we can work thru it. He sounded really sincere.

    Anyway, I found the best way for me to set some level of proper masculine/feminine dynamic was to quite literally lean back: If we were on the sofa, I tried to lean back and let him move toward me. If we were making a decision about what to do for the evening, I tried to just be silent, or say, “I don’t know, it’s up to you.” It took a lot of leaning back, but I think it was a good way to handle it calmly and tactfully.



  47.  #47Senior Lady Vibe on June 13, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    @46: Brenda says:
    “…Ryan, who is very sensitive and artistic. One time Rori told me this type doesn’t usually make a very good partner..”

    Oh, I want one just like that, one of those feminine-masculine balanced guys. I want one, I want one!

    xoxo
    SLV



  48.  #48FlowerChild77 on June 13, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    #45/Buttery

    >>>”For instance, I feel so turned on when he‘s more sexually dominant, and would love it if he were like that more often. I haven’t told him this though.”<<<

    You might have to tell him if you want more of that. You could just blurt it out while he's doing something you like. Ya know, like "Ohhhh…I just looooove it when you_______"

    He'll especially remember it if you're really 'responding' while you're telling him 😉



  49.  #49Dawn on June 13, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    I was born left handed but when I went to school I wasnt allowed to use my left hand. I was forced to use my right. Thinking about it most of my favorite people are left handed. Hmmm……



  50.  #50FlowerChild77 on June 13, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    Oh….that seems SO wrong…but I know it used to be done. Can you write left-handed still..or is it too late?



  51.  #51Dawn on June 13, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Flowerchild 77, I cant write with the left hand but I use it just as much as my right. I never really thought about it before. Oddly the lefties I know that smoke open thier packs on the left same as me.



  52.  #52Rusty on June 13, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    Ladies,

    Have you ever had a situation where you tried to “manipulate the situation? Did it work out for you?

    For instance, trying to manipulate things working one way or another, sort of like Ella was trying to do. Trying to make the guy prove he was into her without actually stating her position. Sort of like, “if you are the right guy, you will just know my issues and understand my subtle hints, etc…”

    Or, say you walk into a conversation and think you heard something…could be anything, but bottom line is, it has you thinking that you might not be able to trust your guy and you need to test him now. Let’s say you thought you overheard an ex-girlfriend of your BF saying that he date raped her.

    So do you just go to him, tell him what you think you heard and ask for an explanation? Or do you start trying to beat around the bush to see if he’ll just slip up some info that tells you he did it. In other words you don’t think you can just be straight up with him because he will just deny it. No you have to trap him to get to the truth.

    Well I have been on the receiving end of these kinds of things and I can tell you that they never work out. Never. Like with one GF, she was beating around the bush and for a very long time this was coming between us. Then something happened an she did finally come clean, so I had her call the person that she thought said something and it turned out that she had it totally wrong. Had she come to me right away and we did this right away, it would have save tons of heartache.

    It doesn’t really matter the situation. Like, for example:

    Think of it like this. You cheated on one BF and then later, you realize how stupid this was and you realize you never want to make that mistake again. but your new BF knows about this somehow.

    So he knows you did it, but you never told him. SO now, every time you go somewhere, or you come home a little late…his radar is up and he’s trying to come at you from different angles. Never coming clean with what he knows and just sitting down and talking with you about it. No, he’s trying to trap the truth out of you. Are you just somebody who cheats? How do you think that is going to work for you? probably not, right?

    I have to admit that I am really tired of this kind of thing. I have dealt with it for most of my life. Maybe part of the problem is that I can detect very quickly that something isn’t right, and I may ask questions. But you never get a clean answer. It’s like the other people think that they have to catch the truth. They just don’t expect anyone to be honest. Ever.

    Personally I think it is best to just be honest and straight forward about problems and then take the person at their word. Or take what they say and do some investigating on your own to verify the truth. Like asking that person if you heard what you thought you heard…if you think you can trust them to be honest.

    Until a person has proven to be a liar, why assume that they are just like every other guy who lied to you?

    I just don’t think trying to manipulate situations is healthy, nor does it typically produce good results. or, I should say, if the person turns out to be untrustworthy..yeah, you found out…but if they were trustworthy, you might be sabotaging a good relationship when they put it all together and get very torqued out of shape over the way you handled it. This even beyond the fact that it may take years to find out the truth by trying to manipulate the situation.



  53.  #53Dawn on June 13, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    Hey Rusty, I think people react in fear. Fear of jugdement , fear of rejection. They dont trust themselves,lack confidence and justify their actions. . Who are we to judge? It never works out and eventually they get it . Lets not judge a persons journey. Honesty is hard to feel when you are afraid.



  54.  #54Dawn on June 13, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    its quite possible they are reacting to your bad vibe of mistrust.



  55.  #55Rusty on June 13, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    True. And I understand that for women it can be really hard to trust, but the same holds true for men. Women can be very skilled liars. But I just don’t think it helps to not be honest yourself and just lay it out there for the other person to deal with.

    I personally feel like i am done with being judged. yeah, have made some boneheaded mistakes in my life but I have a good heart and I am a good person, so I just don’t want to deal with people who can’t just be honest with me. Completely honest.



  56.  #56Dawn on June 13, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    Rusty , people are manipulated because they want to be. The people who manipulate arent even aware they are doing it . IMO Try not to take it all so personally.



  57.  #57Daria on June 13, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    I feel a not good feeling radibg the blog. Thwrea tghtning and numvnss

    I feel tired. Of feelbg misundwrstood of fwlibg like in fghting and defwnsibg in edwr to be me. I want to feel safe and got and includeddd

    I feel angry at the world



  58.  #58DE on June 13, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Rusty #52:

    Gosh, hun – it’s been a long day… there are so many hypothesizes in u post…which one do u want me to address?

    warm hugs,



  59.  #59Ladybug on June 13, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    I agree with Rusty. Cut the BS and discuss the situations and concerns like adults.

    We are adults, right? We aren’t 12 year olds.



  60.  #60Turquoise3 on June 13, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Daria, I’ve been wanting to say this to you for awhile now, and at one point, it was in regard to a conversation we had, but you never replied to.

    You can dish it out, but can’t take it. You want to give your opinion and ideas to everyone else, tell them they are wrong, but won’t even read a response to you. How are you growing if you can’t look at both sides of a situation? You don’t want to read it because you feel “scared, blamed, tight, etc.” but how do you think your words make others feel? Do you ever filter what you want to say?



  61.  #61Turquoise3 on June 13, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    And Daria, you say you aren’t into money, won’t need money when you are a medicine woman living off the land and homeschooling your children… then a few weeks later it’s about wanting status and to be with a thug. That you like the badboys, several times you’ve mentioned they are on house arrest… That doesn’t match up to me at all. Are you being honest about what you want? You act like Rori’s words are the gospel truth, yet thugs sound pretty toxic to me. I don’t understand what you are doing with guys like that.



  62.  #62Marquin on June 13, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    I read Rori’s ebook and I’ve been reading the blog for a while. You ladies are fabulous! I’ve been going out and trying to lean back and use feeling messages (I have a very hard time feeling vulnerable with others). Over the past week, I’ve had two guys calling me to go out. I wasn’t available for the nights they asked, but I told them when I was available. One has stepped up and we have a date on Thursday. The other hasn’t called since last week. Two things… any advice for the date, I’m nervous I’ll like the guy and equally nervous that I won’t. When I feel uncomfortable, I tend to get quiet and awkward. Also, should I do anything about the guy who hasn’t called. My friends all say that I should send him a text so that he knows I’m interested in him. Thank you!



  63.  #63Turquoise3 on June 13, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    SLV, you asked about Alonka earlier, she’s been gone since you left the first time. I hope she comes back! I’ve written that several times here, hoping she was still skimming.



  64.  #64Turquoise3 on June 13, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    Sorry Daria, don’t want to sound harsh, just what’s been on my mind. I’m feeling very bitch* today…. I’m sure you are triggered by my words, but doesn’t seem right that you won’t consider others replies to your alternate view/negative posts, but want us to value your opinion.



  65.  #65Turquoise3 on June 13, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    Rusty, that was a lot of what if’s…. and I’m not sure what to say. I try to take every new relationship as a fresh start, blank slate. It’s hard not to consider things you know about a person though. I guess I don’t stay around long enough to play all those games, to be manipulated, or to manipulate. My ex accused me of being manipulative during our divorce, I didn’t see it… but maybe so. That never came up in our marriage though.



  66.  #66FlowerChild77 on June 13, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    Torquoise3, I agree with you about Daria. I am learning a lot from her about composing FMs and I’m sure there’s a lot more I can learn from her–but I do see the incongruence in what she posts/does, and it really makes me wonder sometimes.

    I understand that a lot of her posts where she’s angry about something or someone is just her ‘riffing’ and working through her stuff–but I get confused because it seems like there’s some ‘other stuff’ thrown in the mix and it’s all disguised as ‘riffing.’ I haven’t mastered the art of ‘riffing’ yet, so maybe I’m way wrong. These are just my gut feelings.

    I try to take into consideration that she is younger than I am and also has not had a lot of the same experiences most of us have had–being independent, married/divorced, having children to take care of, etc. All those things make us who we are and she is in a very different place, it seems. And, in that way, I cannot always relate to her.

    Forgive me for being so forgetful–I’m pretty sure it was you and we were talking a few threads back about body image and checking in with each other. My son was here last week and he posted some pics on FB of us—all I can see when I look at myself is—F-A-T! I don’t look that bad to myself in the mirror–but holy cow do I look awful in the pics. Sooooo…not feeling really good about my body image, etc. Even my FACE looks fat and bloated. How are you feeling? And I’m really sorry if it wasn’t you :-p



  67.  #67FlowerChild77 on June 13, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    Marquin, I think most of the Sirens and Rori would say don’t txt or call him. (The only exception to that is if he calls and leaves you a message to call him BACK.) I’m pretty sure this stuff falls into the category of ‘overfunctioning.’ You told them when you were available…and one of them stepped up and called you for a date! 🙂

    About feeling nervous…try to get out of your head when you feel this way, You know, try not to listen to the endless ‘chatter’ in your mind and concentrate on something like how the material of your dress feels between your fingers or how the wood on a piece of furniture feels as you gently rub over it with your hand…and focus on the sensations. That automatically puts your vibe in a better place (you’re enjoying instead of worrying!)

    Don’t worry about being too quiet. I think most of us tend to talk too much when we’re nervous and/or try to fill in the uncomfortable silences. Let him do most of the talking and try not to feel like you need to ‘rescue’ him or the situation if he isn’t stepping up and talking to you.

    I’m pretty new here, and FAR from an expert, but maybe this will help you a little bit until some of the other Sirens can answer you. This stuff is AMAZING–and so are the women on this blog! <3



  68.  #68FlowerChild77 on June 13, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    Rusty, I agree and I think this might be one of those things that gets clearer as we get older.

    But I have to ask you…(and maybe this has been discussed previously) How do you see the tools that Rori teaches? Does it feel like manipulation to you?
    I’m just curious is all.



  69.  #69Turquoise3 on June 13, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    Yes Flower, I think we did have that conversation. I was just looking at some pics, and in some, not so bad.. but others from the very same day… yikes! I blame it on the angle…lol, but know I need to work hard and lose some weight. I lost about 5 pounds a few weeks ago, but lately haven’t been eating well and feel very bloated. I don’t drink hardly any water, I live on diet pepsi, and it’s so bad for me. How easy it should be to drink water… but I rarely drink it. I have been really swamped with my kids, their activities and work, so I’ve been using that excuse to eat out, pick up drive thru, etc. Today I packed my lunch for work and ate dinner at home. The girls are at camp for the week, so I’m using this time to take care of me. Cleaning the house, getting rid of some clutter, using the treadmill… etc. I also have a girls night out planned for tomorrow night with some friends, and will get a date in by the end of the week.

    I agree, Rori’s work is amazing and I see the changes in my relationships already. I’ve been here since March. It’s sinking in. 🙂



  70.  #70gina on June 13, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    okeee,
    just resubsribed to Match for the first time in a LONG time. And it feels good. Proactive. Like I’m takin care o’ ME. Luckily had a few emails waiting for me. I responded to them all and look forward to some DATES. YEAH! No more mopey girl feeling bad about OLD stuff. Movin on UP!



  71.  #71Nita on June 13, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    SLV I see what your saying, basically its better to express your feelings however not always say everything that comes up. The way I am understanding all of this is that I must always be true and honest with my feelings and make desicions/actions based on that authentic self….do we always have to do feeling speeches and let a man in on whats going on inside? Im starting to think that there are tactful ways to do it but not every single time because of every single detail ( especially when first dating )
    Rusty…haha yeah I was being biased and thinking of my own personal situations with men. I woke up on the negative side of the bed today and felt like just saying “men are scum” hehe but I know that anyone can be selfish and in many cases women can be that person in the relationship too.
    …as far as manipulation goes I feel like its a way to get someone to do something based on the fear of what would happen if we just straight up asked. It could be the fear of him not doing what we asked after an honest request, or of him being defensive, or many things because why else not take the easy road and being honest..its gotta be for a reason. Im thinking about my mom right now. My dad does’nt like socializing and likes to stay at home and if I ask her “mom are you guys going to my sis house today?” shell wink at me while sitting next to him and say well we are going to church and then well see. its a small example but I think how stressful to live that way to have to sneakily make something happen, what if we were authentic and honest about what we want with men? could it be we are afraid to know that he is not the one to meet our needs could it be we are afraid to face reality? I know for me its the case Im afraid to confront the reality that this person is not willing to give me what I want and so I use tricks tactics and subtle sarcasm/humor in order to be heard and to get the actions that I want. Its a trick to ourselves we decieve just as much as we do him. I vote always be honest and see what happens..easier said than done I know that much



  72.  #72Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 12:02 am

    I have something on my mind that I am feeling concerned and bad about.

    It’s the whole natural vs. conventional medicine thing.

    Even though I prefer to take the natural route, I don’t want to be judgmental of people who take a different route. I feel concerned that I may have come across that way and I feel bad about it.

    I know that people here have had to make big decisions about that regarding their own or their children’s health.

    I want for people to feel confident and okay about whatever decisions they made. I wouldn’t want to ever add any pressure to the situation by seeming judgmental about someone’s choices.

    I apologize if I came across that way.

    I was driving home from the recording session tonight and that popped into my mind and I wanted to get it off my chest.



  73.  #73Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 12:04 am

    Yay for my first recording session.

    I feel satisfied and exhausted!



  74.  #74Lucy on June 14, 2011 at 12:46 am

    Rusty, I feel curious about what’s going on with you. I wonder why you keep experiencing apparent manipulation, “trapping,” etc. I have always been very straightforward with men, so I feel surprised by your repeated experience. Why do you think women treat you this way?



  75.  #75Lucy on June 14, 2011 at 12:51 am

    Hi Brenda. My birthday was very very very nice. 🙂 Thanks for asking!



  76.  #76Daria on June 14, 2011 at 2:44 am

    hey you guys, there seems to be some controversy about me, and my riffing and stuff

    i havent read too much of the posts … i was scrolling up and saw a ”sorry daria” from turqoise

    and something from Flowerchild about what is riffing

    one kind of riffing is like freeform writing down the voices in my head. so there will be nvs there and stuff that doesnt necessarily ”make sense” or is even appropriate to the situation

    the idea of this riff is to get all the actual real voices out on paper… because this makes me aware of them and once i am Aware of them i gain power

    because before they were subconscious

    then i can transform and actually NOT be driven by those voices without realizing it in the future…. because now i have become aware of hearing them so i can make choices from an observer place not a place being run by voices i was unaware i was even paying attention to

    hope that makes sense

    and sometimes i launch into riffing without warning

    feel free to do the same, thats what this place is for more really than anything

    its a place to look at the „ugly” parts or the hidden parts of you, safely, and at the same time be ”witnessed” by other people reading – this feels very safe and liberating… its really an amazing feeling and opportunity

    if you think about it, writing on a blog, you are safe.

    i could never hit you, or sue you, or dump you, or have sex with your man, or really hurt you

    and neither can you

    so we are safe to experiment with stuff we arent maybe safe with in the real world

    experimenting i find what feels good and what feels bad… and i grow in my awareness and ability to choose my reactions rather than be swept away by them helplessly in past patterns



  77.  #77Daria on June 14, 2011 at 3:01 am

    i really show up in every different way because i want to SEE myself

    so if i find something about myself that i want to hide, i will take the babysteps to actually show it instead

    for example the stuff about thug guys, or wanting status.

    that is something that i didnt really want to admit about myself, but then i noticed it. so i admit it. here.

    i might have gotten defensive if someone else pointed it out.

    but this space is for therapy, and for looking at things like that about myself

    like oh look, i say i want this, but then im actually doing this, which doesnt seem to line up… hmmm…

    see i would never even be able to Notice those things if i didnt write them down

    so i write them down here

    its therapeutic psychological work

    sometimes i go off and will have a reaction and get swept away in past patterns. thats when youll see me going masculine voice. those are actually me either ”slipping” and getting run by the voice… kinda like when i just call a guy i know its not idea to…

    or else its me experimenting, usually with a voice i dont normally show, and want to show on here

    also in my life i feel fascinated with contrasts, and dissolving dilemmas where its either or. i want to always prove that its possible to have both. and more.

    and i dont always believe this myself, so i practice wherever i can

    i read the post about me and it was not really anything triggering

    what does feel triggering is that it seems im getting judged about my age and experiences, and way i express myself… and am totally ok with that because well, i judge myself so that is probably why that is happening

    the process i am doing here on blog is about exploring myself as a being, its not age related, at any age we are infinite beings

    though some of my beliefs are different and may be affected by my age, many of them are just spiritual things ive felt inspired by and am trying them in my life

    id feel extremely curious to see you guys exploring yourself deeply like i do – uhoh i sound presumptuous says my nv

    but thats how the blog started and it felt AMAZING because there was so much to learn from the other divine beings on the blog showing their inner hidden selves

    and if you guys just want to chatter about what guys are cute, and maybe how a feeling message or so helped you, thats fine too

    i feel pain though because i feel uninspired by that

    im ready to have us all move to the next level of self exploration which was where we all went fast back in the day on the blog, when it was mostly riff fests and practice

    then it seemed like everyday there was something to feel Enormously inspired by, something that i never thought would be accepted about me, reflected in someone else, and stuff like that

    now instead i feel bored, i feel drained, i feel dissatisifed. it reminds me of real life, where i feel powerless to create a network of sustained support and fun

    i wind up feeling alone again,

    this ”change” in the blog is surely something i created with my energy – once i learn how to shift this, my whole life will shift hugely. if i can create somethign out of nothing, or inspire people to give me what i desire… support and inspiration in the things that give me pleasure… that would rock

    so i bet thats why the blog feels so boring and annoying to me now

    its „showing” me parts of me i havent learned yet to look at, and providing the practice of what to do when i feel totally bored and alone yet theres people around… but i dont feel touched by them, i dont feel opened up, i dont feel nourished and energized

    i love me

    i love you too, even though i feel angry and mistrustful, and dissapointed, and doubtful

    i love me



  78.  #78Rosa on June 14, 2011 at 3:12 am

    I have to say thanks Lucy and SLV, my points exactly.
    Be OPEN to the best thing for you and your health.

    The blog is not , in my opinion , the place to be giving medical advice to strangers who in fact , trust their own provider already.

    This only raises fears, destroys trust and possibly compromises treatment outcomes.



  79.  #79Daria on June 14, 2011 at 3:32 am

    btw to me, i dont feel comfortable reading stuff like,

    ”turqoise, i agree with you about daria”… i dont feel comfortable to see people having conversations about me that arent 100% about praise…

    i feel left out and very angry – and numb on the outside… in my pattern, i react with polite coldness.

    and of course, im now going to take some steps to change this, so i dont leave myself feeling left out and angry

    and say, hey ladies, apparently some of you feel angry, or judgemental, and uncomfortable or even scared reading my words… and i can dig it! sometimes i feel scared too!

    haha!

    but it feels GREAT

    to be really honest and open

    and i feel really icky seeing people write to each other about me!

    i wouldnt want my friends treating me like that, or my family – which does this all the time and it feels

    AWFUL

    omg so awful

    and i pretend it doesnt

    eeck!!

    well the truth is

    it feels so bad!

    i feel so left out and invisible and uncared about

    like it doesnt even matter that ill be reading about what you guys said about me!

    its such an uncomfortable feeling! omg i cant believe ive been tolerating this all my life!

    omg!

    it feels so cold and sooo bad!

    wow

    and its so COMMON in my experience, not just towards me, but i think i do it all the time, and see it towards other people

    liek gossiping, yes i agree about her, etc

    wow!

    i do this!

    this is a common part of conversation

    and am now realizing that it feels bad!

    wow!

    amazing stuff
    i feel liberated!

    i feel healed

    of something!

    wow

    THAT FEELS BAD!!!

    it feels bad!!

    i notice it feels bad, to talk critically about someone, even a lil bit

    but what about if you feel it, then what

    do you just keep it inside?

    or write it on blog?

    yes?

    and not convo with someone else about it?

    cuz that will feel bad due to the fact that it would feel bad about me?

    or…??

    hmmm

    WHO DO I SHARE MY JUDGEMENTS WITH???

    nobody?

    just let my judgements be and SPEAK about other things?

    hmm

    like my feelings

    ok

    i feel … worried about turqoise cuz i imagine her kinda surface level with her self exploration… and i feel afraid she may get stuck there for a long time… and not get deep enough to experience happiness

    and i feel kinda shut out and at a loss of how to inspire her

    then theres flowerchild

    i feel … worried about her because i see her blaming herself a lot. and that needs to stop for her to start moving up the emotional ladder and creating a relationship. also using maternal instincts on people who dont receive them well (like me) and that shows me that she-s abandoning herself in that moment and not addressing HER feelings, and that might keep her going slower than she has to at creating what she wants.

    and again i feel a bit uncomfortable after reading her post and dissapointed that i dont know how to inspire trust in her so that i can better encourage her to create changes to her self-talk and abandoning behavior

    lalala

    thats really whats going on for me

    very simply

    this feels good

    to write

    yey yay yay

    ok now i feel weird thinking that i wrote in 3rd person

    maybe thats part of the pattern that i see…

    how i didnt like people talking about me, in 3rd person, now i just did it

    wow

    hmm

    so i can change this?

    i will alter the paragraphs”

    i feel … worried about you Turqoise – that you may be spending a lot of time in a place where you„re stuck – how can i help you?

    do you want me not to help you?

    i feel bored with this exercise now. everything will unravel and heal.

    ok check me out! i may be spending a lot of time in a place where im stuck

    and aprt of it is that i feel soooo concerned that ”people” will judge thug guys, and a thug girl, like me

    when this is a part of my personality that i like!

    im judging myself so much

    but yes, i am a robin hood, i am a girl who doesnt believe in money, i am a thug girl, i am an outlaw

    i do believe in living in nature in no civilization, in sherwood forest, in equality of divine worth

    in blessings and magic

    and yes, i judge myself for it

    and then, out of ”the evil of society” i like stuff like attention…

    maybe im just a performer, an actress and a dancer… i love that energy of all eyes on me

    maybe its ok

    maybe its ok that i dont believe that thugs are bad, maybe i dont have to believe all thugs make bad lifepartners

    maybe it has nothing to do with that

    Maybe it doesnt matter that im a ”biker chic” maybe biker chicks get love too and maybe fat women get love too

    maybe skinny women get love

    maybe women that everyone looks at get love

    maybe pretty women get love too

    maybe i get love

    maybe im creating the right relationship for me

    maybe i dont have to defend my lifestyle or spirituality

    maybe when i hear something that feels bad i can say so

    maybe when i dont feel seen i can say that

    maybe i can talk to the spirits and and find how to speak to inspire

    to inspire

    speak about YOU

    speak about how you feel

    speak about what feels good

    what feels good is sharing my gifts out of pleasure

    what feels good is receiving jewels of life because life is full of jewels and abundance

    what feels good is equality in divine spirit

    what feels good is healing

    what feels good is unity

    what feels good is peace on earth, focus on women and children, eating, relaxing, healing, creating beauty



  80.  #80Kyla on June 14, 2011 at 3:45 am

    Daria,

    You mentioned yawning and vibe shifting yesterday and I feel curious about that.

    I’ve been working through a lot of feelings of anger and resentment and although they continue being triggered and I have to continue sinking, riffing, flipping.. I’ve noticed when I feel what feels like relief or lightness that I suddenly start to yawn. And then the feelings of tension in my body relax and the anger lessens and my attention moves on to better feeling things.

    I feel curious if the yawning is a sign that I’ve shifted or is yawning helping me shift? Also I wonder if the constant triggering mean I’m stuffing or does it mean I’m healing?

    I feel confused.



  81.  #81Daria on June 14, 2011 at 3:55 am

    i feel angry reading that opinion

    The blog IS in my opinion, a place to share medical knowledge with other Goddesses and medicine women.

    okay

    and what happens when i hear an opinion that feels bad… i feel hot, i feel tightened

    i feel AFRAID OH NO

    i will be SQUELCHED

    i will be unheard

    i will be coerced!

    i will be silenced

    i will be steamrolled

    i will feel bad!!!

    ȚThe blog is not , in my opinion , the place to be giving medical advice to strangers who in fact , trust their own provider already.

    This only raises fears, destroys trust and possibly compromises treatment outcomes.

    well this is is not True, in that it doesnt ONLY raise fears, etc

    it also, offers alternatives, provides hope and inpiration, informs, gives support

    also thinking of women here as ”strangers” feel suddenly cold and ”like the world is a scary and dangerous place” – scary

    ok so what to do, when someone gives their opinion, and logic, and it feels bad to me

    this happened today in DUI class, and happens often

    now if i dont say anything, i notice i dont feel good

    and im like, ok that doesnt feel good

    i feel like im being corralled

    i feel like im being denied a voice

    i feel like im being denied the opportunity to share my truth my information

    it feels scary that someone would want to deny me that

    no! youre nto allowed to SAY TAHT!

    DONT SAY THAT!

    youre gonna lead someone astray

    youre gonna hurt them

    you dont deserve to say it, you havent been authorized

    you are not authority

    you are not worthy

    aha! i often worry about other peopel saying stuff i dont agree iwth and ”leading others astray”

    hmm

    ok

    so what now

    what to do when you hear those opiniones

    say

    Thank you for sharing i hear that you feel uncomfortable, and,

    to me it feels important to share my truth and share my knowlege and offer my help and compassion

    and then let the ”problem” drop away? like a spider web i went through?

    hmm

    how about wow!

    i feel shocked to hear what you have to say about this

    thank you for telling me

    i dont want to upset you, and it feels important to me to share my concerns, feelings and offer my help in this situation

    wow, actually, i feel angry … i dont want to be told what i should do by another being

    i feel judged

    i feel disrespected

    i feel angry

    i feel disconnected

    i feel defensive

    ***

    i feel shocked and on defense!

    wow

    the truth is, this is my truth, and i dont want to stop speaking it

    i feel really angry

    ***

    mph ok i am still at i feel angry

    ist hat what i feel?

    i feel disconnected

    like im floating around this situation

    i feel its not safe to be in my body

    im imagining being attacked with like a tomahawk

    i feel disapoointed to be told my light is not appreciated… im taking it personally , i feel bad

    ok

    thank you tahnk you

    all this practice FEELING stuff

    i feel frustrated with how challenging it feels to share my truth without attacking or defending!!!

    pumffff!!!!!

    i totally understand that fear, and that concern, and if i held the same beliefs, i imagine i would feel similarly

    and, for me, it feels important to share my truth

    and then stick with that?

    mph it feels unsatisfying

    i still feel kinda distant and unsafe

    ok i hear that you have strong feelings about this, and i respect you, youre totally right, and it feels important to me to share my truth

    okay that one was interesting, i found myself resisting beliveing that

    cuz i dont believe theyre totally right

    i hear you and, for me, i felt it was important to share my truth and offer my help in that situation



  82.  #82Daria on June 14, 2011 at 3:58 am

    Kayla – in short”

    the yawning is a sign that the energy is shifting and therefore youre healing

    can you tell me more about how you are bieng constantly triggered?

    the constant triggering is most likely a sign that youre becoming more aware… thus healing as well, and will soon have a pond clearing… and feel really powerful and come to a new normal – –



  83.  #83Daria on June 14, 2011 at 4:08 am

    AHA! i notice when i feel triggered i can be VERY cold and aloof, and speak from that place

    my energy feels disconnected

    i just felt that way with turqoise, flowerchild, and rosa

    and then my self analysis becomes very analysy…

    and nonehteless that energy of slamo, slamming attack, dripping venom, judgement, punishment, aloofness… Separation… comes through in my words

    in my communication, it may not even be clear, its an energy

    so that i can tell people will be triggered by my words

    and feel upset

    hmm

    so what i really feel is

    whoa! i feel like i just got punched!! im feeling really unsafe here

    im feeling really defensivev

    whoa i feel like i jsut got punched in the stomach… that didnt feel good… i dont know what to do now… im feeling all afraid and distant from you…

    whoa i feel like i got punched! i feel like were on two competing teams

    and i dont like that!

    im feeling invisible scared

    888

    wow i feel angry… i dont want to be judged this way

    wow i feel suddenly disconnected from you

    this doesnt feel good! what can we do?

    hmm i liek that



  84.  #84Daria on June 14, 2011 at 4:11 am

    wow i suddenly feel very defensive and putting my walls up

    i feel unsafe

    i want to feel ok being myself and believing what i believe and sharing with other people

    and many times i dont feel ok

    and That is ok too

    i ove me



  85.  #85Daria on June 14, 2011 at 4:13 am

    wow i feel all stepped on!

    im feeling angry!



  86.  #86Kyla on June 14, 2011 at 4:24 am

    Oh thanks Daria that feels good to hear. I feel good that I’m making progress!

    I am being triggered by a woman I thought was a friend who’s behaviour towards me, in front of me feels cold, distant. When she’s pulling out of my man, attempting to hug him, touch him and gain his attention it feels competitive and aggressive. I work with her and as we are touring right now I am in her presence 24 hours a day for the last 2 weeks and will be until Sunday.
    When I’ve felt angry or tense around her I’ve moved away and put my attention on work. If R has followed me and asked me if I’m ok I’ve used feeling messages to express my anger and confusion.
    I had a day off yesterday and as we were going home Sunday night she pulled me and R aside crying and shouting and accused me of being the cause of all her problems relating with the rest of the cast and crew and also I MUST be the reason R is pulling away from her. I spent yesterday writing feeling messages to her which were responded to with more blind accusations and insults. I began to feel more and more turned off and bored and angry.
    I’m walking away from her now. I don’t want ‘friends’ like that. I don’t want to be around people who feel bad to me.
    I feel pain and confusion why this happened. I feel unappreciated, disrespected and bullied. I’ve remained in girl mode with her, worked hard to remain warm and open. I feel exasperated and fed up. I feel afraid that I push woman away and trigger their competitiveness.



  87.  #87The Lurker on June 14, 2011 at 4:37 am

    Well at least sometimes life is fair, and the hot woman he flirts with online turns out to be another man!
    Like in this example, which is in the news now:

    “Amina often flirted with Brooks, neither of the men realizing the other was pretending to be a lesbian.”
    http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/blogpost/post/paula-brooks-editor-of-lez-get-real-also-a-man/2011/06/13/AGld2ZTH_blog.html

    Hehe! But, seriously, that should be a warning to everybody that online relationships can turn out to be total fakes. And that it’s simply wrong to compare the very real partner who is sharing your life with the allegedly much hotter girl you flirt with in the intertubes. It isn’t even apples and oranges, it’s apples and a painting of an orange! As Rene Magritte would have said, “ceci n’est pas une orange”.



  88.  #88Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 5:07 am

    Kyla I would include in my communication that I want to be around people who appreciate me not people who tolerate me. I believe it is fine to say “excuse me I don’t want to feel bullied” and then walk away. I have done that with men even in my office.



  89.  #89Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 5:07 am

    Re 87 Lurk that is funny.



  90.  #90Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 5:20 am

    Turquoise3 I have to say you come across very direct and though Daria has responded about how she feels about what you wrote to her I have to share also that I tend to be asking myself about the valuing of coaching from someone who thinks in that type of voice. It’s a dilemma I find playing in my head over and over again. That is my judgemental side and I love me.



  91.  #91Mel on June 14, 2011 at 5:24 am

    My husband told me he’s going camping by himself on Friday night so that he can think. I guess this is a good thing. I don’t feel good in this ” in limbo” place. But I’m scared.



  92.  #92Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 5:27 am

    Mel I hope Tinque and others come on to help you but my sense is that this alone time could possibly help him to really sink into his feelings and help clarify if he will miss you when you are not together. I feel your fear and would encourage you to ask yourself what it is you are scared about.



  93.  #93Kyla on June 14, 2011 at 5:28 am

    Thanks FW I will add that to my list of FM’s 🙂

    The last communication I had with her I said ‘I feel awkward when I’m asked why R is behaving as he is. I don’t want to speak for anyone but myself. I feel blamed when I hear that it must be my fault. That feels bad to hear. I don’t want bad feelings between us. It would feel really good if we could talk about this. What do you think?’

    Her response was “Don’t make me out to be the bad guy. It’s not out of the realms of possibility that you are responsible. You are a couple. You can just forget all about this now. I’ll speak to R.”

    When I read that I felt furious and like I’d been slapped. Then I felt unheard and bored. I don’t want to try anymore. Ick.

    I will be driving down to meet everyone later. I’m feeling more peaceful about it now. I’ve been using the serenity prayer as a mantra.



  94.  #94Mel on June 14, 2011 at 5:30 am

    I don’t think he’ll miss me. He’s only going for a night or two. But he does need to figure some stuff out. So I know this is needed. I’m just afraid that he’ll decide he doesn’t want to be married any more. That it’s not even worth trying.



  95.  #95Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 5:32 am

    RE 94 Is there any way you could go somewhere also to get your mind off him. Maybe with your mother?



  96.  #96Kyla on June 14, 2011 at 5:35 am

    Mel,

    I wish I had something helpful to say.
    Big warm hugs.



  97.  #97Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 5:35 am

    Mel he will miss you. We miss even our enemies when they are not around. Things just feel different. Also absence makes the heart grow fonder. It might take us some time to recognize that but it does happen.

    I can only imagine how scary this is for you but I would encourage you to respect his decision and honor yourself. You know you want to be with someone who wants to be with you.



  98.  #98Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 5:37 am

    Kyla is there any way to just keep repeating that you don’t want to be discussing R? I would not engage in that with her at all. You can take care of your feelings outside of expressing it to her.



  99.  #99Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 6:01 am

    Kyla Gay Hendricks and I believe CCarter also, (other relationship coaches) suggests taking 100% responsibility in relationships. For me it created a psychological shift. When people take 100% responsibility there is no one to blame. It seems if you take such responsibility and stop engaging in these discussions when she brings it up she might realize you are not engaging in her drama and be forced to stop. Just a thought that just crossed my mind. I have also heard another coach on one of Rori’s interviews say when we as women stop hooking into men’s drama they eventually drop it because they have no one to engage in it with. Does this make sense?

    I know it could create the question in your mind then that would be stuffing my feelings. For me sharing my feelings in every situation is not necessary. If it is someone who I am seeking to get closer with or seeking an emotional connection with then yeah. Sharing it with everyone for me, is creating the opportunity for me to practice being vulnerable. I am wondering if you need to be vulnerable with her.



  100.  #100Lilybelle on June 14, 2011 at 6:01 am

    Happy, HAPPY Birthday, Laughing Goddess.

    🙂



  101.  #101Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 6:02 am

    Yes yes. Happy Birthday Laughing Goddess. I hope you enjoy your trip and create more opportunities for you and your man to get emotinally closer. Enjoy



  102.  #102Mel on June 14, 2011 at 6:11 am

    I am respecting his decision. I’m just afraid of what he will decide. But I know that I DO need to know one way or the other. And that if he doesn’t love me, it’s better for me to move on. It’s just a hard reality to have to face if that’s what he decides.



  103.  #103Kyla on June 14, 2011 at 6:12 am

    Hmmm I feel disconnected and bored with the drama. Drama feels tiring and boring to me.

    I haven’t shared my feelings with her at all until she pulled me aside and accused me of being to blame. I also don’t share my feelings with R unless he asks and then sometimes I will tell him how I feel without giving him context and if he pushes for a reason will tell him I don’t want to talk about it right now and he gives me a hug and lets it go. I’ve been using the walk away tool a lot lately and although I’m getting triggered constantly it’s not talking me as long to shift it into something better feeling.

    I don’t want to stuff but I think I know what you mean FW. I process by myself unless asked to share and even when I’m expressing I process most of it by myself.

    I wonder what taking full responsibility would like like in this situation? I feel curious as to how I could use that. I’m open to any tool 🙂



  104.  #104Kyla on June 14, 2011 at 6:13 am

    **look like



  105.  #105DE on June 14, 2011 at 6:43 am

    Happy B-day Laughing Goddess!!!! Hope u share what u did for fun 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  106.  #106Lilybelle on June 14, 2011 at 7:15 am

    DE~

    Feels good to “see” you this morning.

    🙂



  107.  #107tinque on June 14, 2011 at 7:38 am

    Mel – This is a good thing and not just for him. You as well. It doesn’t matter whether he misses you or not. It’s not your job to be in his head.

    Now this is an opportunity to take care of yourself on an even deeper level. Not pastimes (notice the word is to pass the time). I don’t want this for you. I want healing time for you. Meditation. Yoga. Anything which feel spiritual to you, being in nature, reading a great book. creating something.

    What’s going on in your body? Track the feelings. Track the places you hold. Imagine the all released and relaxed.

    xxoo



  108.  #108Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 7:41 am

    @66: FlowerChild77 says:
    “…Even my FACE looks fat and bloated. How are you feeling? …”

    I know that post was for Turquoise however… *I’m* feeling goooddd but… call me Ms Cub and Sag. 😳

    xoxo
    SLV



  109.  #109Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 7:48 am

    Mel I also believe Carol Allen who suggests that it is not necessarily that he does not love you. It might just be that your relating skills need an upgrade. Being able to know how you are feeling and clearly state that is a way of upgrading those skills. If you could use meditation and yoga as suggested by Tinque to help create internal peace I am confident you will be able to communicate from a different place and in a different way.



  110.  #110Nita on June 14, 2011 at 7:49 am

    I woke up today feeling romantic and hopeful: I feel sexy and strong, I feel driven and so excited i feel tight in my stomach but I like it hahahaha, Its sunny but a bit cool out and I love it. I feel like dancing salsa …I love salsa and I even have a salsa name. When I dance I feel like I can be that person I am at times afraid to be in day life..im confident and sexy, and feminine…I feel safe there I dont always feel safe in other places



  111.  #111Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 7:49 am

    @63: Turquoise3 says:
    “…SLV, you asked about Alonka earlier…”

    Hi! Thanks for responding. I admired Alonka’s spirit, determination and willingness to go forward even through disappointments. I always wanted to say “go, girl” to her. I learned also by her sharing on the blog.

    I hope she is well and returns here from her vacation (or her honeymoney 😉 )

    xoxo
    SLV



  112.  #112Mel on June 14, 2011 at 7:51 am

    Hi Tinque,

    I know it doesn’t matter whether he misses me or not. I also know that this is a good thing because we can’t go on forever like this. Eventually he has to decide what it is he really wants. I’m just feeling a lit of fear around this though.

    I really want to be married, but not at the expense of my happiness. Right now we’re sitting still in our canoe in the middle of the lake. No one is paddling. Hopefully this trip will help him decide if he wants to paddle at all. And if not, I can jump out and swim. I’m just no good at swimming.



  113.  #113Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Kyla I believe it is a quiet acknowledgement and commitement to yourself that you will not engage with her about R. That to me is taking responsibility for your end so you can end it. I would also use Rosa’s Stop Sign tool to take my focus off it so I can manage my feelings.



  114.  #114Mel on June 14, 2011 at 7:55 am

    FW

    I wish I could spend this time with my mom or my best friend. But they both live 2500 miles away.



  115.  #115Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Mel what came to mind about the swimming comment is the saying “necessity is the mother of invention”. In my home country we say when in trouble even a child’ clothes will fit an adult. You might be forced to swim but you know what Sasha Xarrian learned to swim the hard way being left with several children and no livelihood. I believe she is a millionaire today living her best life.



  116.  #116Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 8:16 am

    Mel one other thing that jumped at me, do you know why you want to be married. What does it mean to you? I would explore that to see if I have anything unconscious hidden away even from me. I would also look at my parents marriage and their history of relating with each other.



  117.  #117tinque on June 14, 2011 at 8:20 am

    Mel – Of course you feel fear. The unknown is scary. Yet you are seeing all of this with such clarity and a wonderful openness. You may very well surprise yourself at how well you can swim after all.

    xxoo



  118.  #118Mel on June 14, 2011 at 8:34 am

    Tinque,

    It’s funny that I used the swimming analogy because I am really quite afraid of deep water. I actually have recurring nightmares (not every night or anything, but sometimes) of huge waves washing over me and pulling me down.

    FW,

    Why do I want to be married?

    I want companionship and adventures together, loving intimacy with someone, a safe place to be “me”, someone I can depend on to be there for me and who can depend on me to be there for him. I’m grieving because I thought I had all of this, but it’s slipping through my fingers.

    My parents are divorced and really only got married because my mom was pregnant with my older sister. They had nothing in common and didn’t fight all the time, but were never really terribly happy. They stayed together until we both graduated from high school.



  119.  #119Kyla on June 14, 2011 at 8:39 am

    Ah ok thanks FW I feel good about trying that
    Thank you 🙂



  120.  #120tinque on June 14, 2011 at 8:43 am

    Yes your deep water analogy is very interesting. Water represents a cleansing. Deep water and water rushing over you is a healing, a very deep, profound healing.

    The fear around this could be the fear of change or a fear of the unknown.

    Know this. Whenever you take a step out off of the cliff of the known into the unknown, something will always be there for you to place your foot.

    In this case something will always be there to support you, lift you up so you can breathe.

    xxoo



  121.  #121Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 8:51 am

    Mel do you think you might be fearful of recreating your parents story?

    Also is having things in common important to a marriage in your opinion? And if so what do you have in common with your husband? These are the types of things I would explore as I go on this journey to how much this marriage really mean to me.

    One of my belief is that people sometimes enter marriage unconsciously, not being clear on why they get married.



  122.  #122Mel on June 14, 2011 at 9:00 am

    FW,

    Yes, I think having things in common is important to me. Since my husband started working, we don’t have very much time together to talk (so I don’t really feel connected to what’s going on in his life) and we don’t have as much time for the common activities and interests that we share. Adding to this the fact that I feel like I have to compete with all of his “new” friends for his time and attention, friends that are not “common” to us as a couple, it’s no wonder why I am really feeling out of sync with him.

    It might be interesting to see why he chose to get married and what he sees as a marriage now. Perhaps this has changed for him, but has remained the same for me and this is why we are at this impasse.



  123.  #123Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 9:12 am

    Mel to me processing these things and getting personal clarity is what I hope for you as well as healing. I am also hoping that he will initiate a conversation upon his return so that you can both communicate your needs and decide the next steps together. I believe you can make eternal peace with yourself if you know what you want and be proud of yourself.



  124.  #124Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 9:14 am

    Kyla I wish you the best. Having such drama in your life can only create turmoil. I would not want that either.



  125.  #125Rusty on June 14, 2011 at 9:26 am

    68: FlowerChild77 says:

    Rusty, I agree and I think this might be one of those things that gets clearer as we get older.

    But I have to ask you…(and maybe this has been discussed previously) How do you see the tools that Rori teaches? Does it feel like manipulation to you?
    I’m just curious is all.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    I can’t say for sure because I don’t know all of the tools, but most of what I see discussed on this blog seems not to really be manipulation.

    Like the leaning back thing. I suppose that can be used as a manipulation if used wrong but if used right, it seems to be more about just giving the other person space to decide what they want.

    That’s probably the problem with most things. if used right, they are great but many tools can be misused and thus they turn into manipulation. Maybe the way to know if you are using it as manipulation is to really know yourself and know why you are doing it.

    For instance, if you lean back because it appears the other person doesn’t seem to be leaning towards you…not seeking closeness and intimacy, and you simply lean back and give them space, then I don’t think that is manipulation. But if it seems to you that you have a more specific goal in mind when you lean back, then it is probably getting closer to being manipulation.

    Also, paying attention to how you are reacting to the other person might be a clue. Are you just leaning back or throwing a cold shoulder to make them lean way forward. I do understand that this can feel very good to do and likely every one of us have done it once or twice.

    But I don’t think it is healthy to do and even worse, it can become addicting. I don’t think people start off wanting to manipulate, nor do I think most of them even realize they are doing it. It just worked for them so they keep doing it for the payoffs.

    I don’t think Rori teaches to be manipulative and I have never seen Tinque advocate being manipulative. usually the advice is just the opposite.



  126.  #126Nita on June 14, 2011 at 9:29 am

    Hi Mel, its interesting that you bring up about your parents. Are you afraid that that’s whats happening with you? could feeling messages help? what if you also made new friends and activities..hmm lol i know i would do this to spite him which i know isn’t the reason why Rori suggests it. Its hard though because I know I am secretly doing it to spite him…however the reason for it is to branch out take a breathe of fresh air and explore of course appropriately. maybe something like a dance class or a meetup group with common interests? It might trigger something in him…
    today Im going to a tango class and I just saw a sexy dress in my closet. I feel embarrassed and ackward about it however I also feel excited about it. my thoughts “if I wear this dress I will look desperate and like Im trying to hard”…why is it that when I want to dress up I feel that way? like Im trying to hard and I feel weird, as if everyone can notice this. I feel vulnerable when I dress up because my intention is to attract and there is something embarrassing about that hmmm



  127.  #127Emerson on June 14, 2011 at 9:31 am

    Daria you mentioned in one of your comments that the blog feels boring to you now, and that people are writing about things that are not at a higher level of growth etc….
    I feel triggered/jugded by this because remember we are all at different stages of learning and I may not always say the most brilliant, insightful things, but I am here learning just like you.
    I value what you have to say and I value what I have to say as well.



  128.  #128Rusty on June 14, 2011 at 9:32 am

    74: Lucy says:

    Rusty, I feel curious about what’s going on with you. I wonder why you keep experiencing apparent manipulation, “trapping,” etc. I have always been very straightforward with men, so I feel surprised by your repeated experience. Why do you think women treat you this way?

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Well basically I did have a situation where someone was overheard saying something and it was assumed that I had done something bad. Instead of just coming to me and laying it all out, and asking me, this person…my wife…assumed that it was true and thus needed to come at me from every direction but the front.

    It caused a lot of problems. Still does. It’s like when your mind is made up, the only thing that your mind will accept is a positive indication. Negatives are ignored. In other words, your mind simply looks for confirmation. The worst thing is that she talked with everybody about this and of course because of the way she relayed it, they would of course confirm that they believed she was on the right track.

    Finally it did come out and everything fell into place. I could suddenly see all of the puzzle pieces fitting.

    She was directed to ask this other person directly and it was only then that she found out that she had been on the wrong track all along. That what she thought she heard was not what she heard.

    I am not a perfect person…who is. But I need to know that people are dealing with me up front and honestly.



  129.  #129Emerson on June 14, 2011 at 9:34 am

    I have a potential CD that I’ve been talking to on the phone but never met in person. He reaches out to me, I don’t call him, and we have nice conversations, but he does not ask me out. He only did once, and we couldn’t get the timing to work out, so we rainchecked it and now, nothing.

    I feel annoyed with him and I feel like I no longer want to take his calls.

    I feel irritated that he talks about female “friends” that he has or what not, almost every time we talk. I don’t understand this, but I just listen patiently and don’t offer my opinion, etc.

    Hmm. It seems to me he just wants a friend. I don’t know what he wants. I feel confused and annoyed that I wasted my phone minutes talking to him.
    Grr.



  130.  #130Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 9:34 am

    Thanks for the birthday wishes.

    I woke up in a really weird mood today. Feeling off-kilter and a little sad. How can I feel so sad? It’s my birthday and I am supposed to be happy.

    I don’t understand how sometimes I can be on a roll and feeling so good and then wham! I’m feeling bad for no reason.

    I feel emotionally sensitive and kind of like a little girl. I feel like curling up in a ball.

    I have felt weird since the recording session last night. Maybe it’s because it was a big thing that I was working towards and now I feel that kind of anti-climatic feeling that sometimes comes after something big.

    And I know what I can do to feel better. I know that journalling usually helps as does really sinking down into my feelings.

    And also I ate some sugary and wheaty foods last night that don’t really agree with me and I may be feeling the effects now.

    And also I let my nasty voices get to me last night. Someone took a picture of ne and I feel really critical of the way I looked. I feel worried that I looked too skinny. I had a low cut dress on and I don’t know if it was the angle or lighting but my chest looked really bony and skinny and that felt bad.

    And I am on my period and feeling emotionally sensitive.

    And I guess I feel a little uncomfortable with turning 39.

    And we are delaying our trip for a few days because we both have a few work things to finish up. Which is fine. I have to get this stuff done before I leave and we will for sure leave thursday instead.

    And I love myself. And I know I just need to shift my energy and focus on loving myself and nurturing myself.

    And ups and downs in life are okay…even though I feel discouraged that I can go from feeling good to feeling down.

    And I love myself and I will keep loving myself…even if I am getting older and my chest looks bony in that picture.

    I will keep loving me. I will journal and give my last little girl a chance to be heard. Something is bothering her and I will listen. And now I feel like crying which often happens when I touch on a truth.



  131.  #131Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 9:36 am

    @71: Nita says:

    …SLV I see what your saying, basically its better to express your feelings however not always say everything that comes up. …”

    I didn’t say what “comes up” as it comes up in life, if that’s what you mean. I said “pops into my head”… 😆

    If my sweetie shows up at picnic in purple shorts and the first thing that (comes up) pops into my head is “Barney” the purple dinosaur… I’ll probably not say that… 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  132.  #132Nita on June 14, 2011 at 9:38 am

    I feel embarrassed when I feel sexy. I feel that way because I was raised in a family where anything slightly revealing was “hoeish and slutty.” anything sexual is wrong and having boyfiends is for hoes only having an interest in men is for women who are weak and can’t standup for themselves or take care of themselves..sex is for hoes only unless marriage. ugh I feel angry! Im tired of hiding my sexuality Im freaking twenty eight years old and theres nothing wrong with wanting to feel sexy! and I feel sexy sometimes so what…if im not accepted that way so be it its not like im gonna spead my legs open to the first guy I meet ugh I know I was being prevented from pregnancy scares, etc when I was a teenager but Im an adult now.



  133.  #133Emerson on June 14, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Laughing Goddes…happy 39th. 🙂 I am about to turn 40. 🙂 Hugs



  134.  #134Letitshine on June 14, 2011 at 9:45 am

    HELP!! I have been away for a while- blissfully dating and using Rori’s tools. Now, I deseparately need some advice. I sent Rori an email couple days ago but I know she gets a zillion and I am now in the situation I asked her about. Her message was a bit more detailed but I will try to be brief.

    Dating guy 2.5 months, girlfriend as of 1 month- he asked me- I decided I wanted it and – all is great- chemistry, lifelong goals, etc etc, I think we both fell en love at same time- I got spooked and took me couple days (fuzzy blanket tool and others helped me get back on track) and out of blue- he says his feelings arent developing- total shocker since I was a life partner 2 days prior. anyway- I was doing great as he was picking me apart- trying to find things wrong in relationship and I said I want someone to accept me for who I am- and if he looks for things- eventually he will convince himself. Anyway, I unfortunately let him break up with me and yes was so caught off guard I really wanted to understand and learn for future and thought I could handle it but well- I expressed my feelings and thought we were done- but then he admitted our relationship has grown very strong , very fast- that flipped me and I over 2 days did some (in retrospect- convincing- UGGGHH!!), he admitted he got spooked and can’t pick me apart to justify it but 5 minutes later says he cant flip on me and made the right decision and says I am right- we cant be friends b/c too many things about me he likes. Well , 2 days of being down and yesterday, I finally realized- I don’t need this and he has some issues and inner work to do and honestly, I knew I would hear from him someday but didn’t think it would be soooo sooon. He just texted me stating I would like such and such movie we talked about the other day. So WHAT do I do??? There is no way he is getting me back now without some major convincing on his part or a willingness to work to work things out. However, do I respond at all??? I just ordered hearttoolkit but I need to know what would a modern siren do? If a man who is wishy washy texts you, do I answer at all or how do I answer? THANKS!@!!!!!



  135.  #135Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 9:46 am

    @72: Laughing Goddess says:
    “…It’s the whole natural vs. conventional medicine thing…”

    Just a note…from me… I don’t believe they are two opposite paths. We can choose from BOTH and use the best of both with all things working together to support our healthy well being and optimal body functions.

    It’s best to be as informed as possible so that we can make the best decisions for the options available to us.

    xoxo
    SLV



  136.  #136Lucy on June 14, 2011 at 9:46 am

    LG, happy birthday and hugs for (((you and your “little girl.”))) <3



  137.  #137Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 9:47 am

    I’m feel relieved.

    I will just love myself today. I can turn this day around. It’s early. Last night was a big night and I just need to decompress and refocus.

    It’s okay.

    This can be a fun day yet.

    I think I may have abandoned myself last night and that is why I am feeling bad.

    I abandoned myself by not really being present with my inner being. I got swept up in the excitement of the night. And now I feel off-kilter.

    That’s okay. I know how to get myself back.

    Okay, this all makes sense now.



  138.  #138Lucy on June 14, 2011 at 9:48 am

    135 Yes. Amen.



  139.  #139Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 9:51 am

    Got this in an email from Carol Allen

    Here’s how to recognize the real thing: SPIRITUAL ATTRACTION.

    1) It Feels Like You’ve Come Home

    When you’re with the right guy, you’ll know it because you feel calm about it. It will feel normal, like “of course this is happening.”

    If you’re feeling anxious around him or about him and you feel the need to analyze his every word with everyone you talk to, then you can be pretty sure he’s not your guy.

    If you’re thinking “huh” instead of “ahhh” most of the time, something’s wrong.

    2) You’re Being Your Best You

    When you get that spring in your step, you start getting kudos at work, and you’re inspired to stick to your workout routine, chances are you’ve landed on Mr. Right.

    If, however, you’re not functioning at your job, you’ve let your good habits slide, and friends are starting to worry about you, then stop over thinking it:

    This guy is not The One.

    3) You Can Let Things Unfold

    Are you doing, doing, doing to make the relationship happen? Do you feel like you have to constantly control things in order to make the relationship move forward?

    Then I can tell you that spiritual attraction is not at work here. The guy you were born to be with will be a breath of fresh air to you – you’ll feel like you can let go and let things happen naturally…

    Even if you’re a control freak (although you’ll need to work on this if you want a good, lasting relationship and to save your sanity!)

    4) You Feel Comfortable Saying “No”

    A sure sign you’re with the wrong guy is when you feel you have to go against your truth to be with him. If you’re making what he thinks the most important thing, and doing things to please him you normally wouldn’t do, then this is not a stellar match.

    Your true Mr. Right respects who you are and makes you feel comfortable to express what you don’t want.

    There’s nothing like the feeling of sharing your life with the guy you have a true spiritual connection with.



  140.  #140Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 9:54 am

    @76: Daria says:
    “…and sometimes i launch into riffing without warning..”

    I do some free form too, sometimes I write down bits of what I read here just to catch how I’d feel with those thoughts flowing through me. I almost always delete them and do not post.

    I haven’t seen “The Red Queen” in a while. Not since “Sweetie” the other part of me showed up. Sweetie is rather calm and direct and I’ve been listening to him lately… not that he knows everything…

    Maybe I’ll do a little riffing again. It’s kind of fun… Wheeeeeeeee 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  141.  #141Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Nita I have been there too. I can tell you though, when you start loving yourself that kind of shame and judging yourself will start to fall off.



  142.  #142Lucy on June 14, 2011 at 9:58 am

    Daria, I noticed that you think other women on the blog are not exploring deeply and are stuck and staying on the surface, particularly as compared with you. I feel intrigued by this perception, as it is so different from mine.



  143.  #143Emerson on June 14, 2011 at 10:04 am

    134 Letitshine,
    Hugs to you for going through this situation with a wishy washy guy.

    I don’t have the link handy, but I think Rori has an article about the girlfriend trap…and how a guy can have attraction then switch it around and feel turned off by us when our vibe changes in girlfriend mode….

    Not that I mean to presume your vibe changed…it’s just a thought.

    What do you think?

    I will see if I can locate the article I’m thinking of…sirens if you know which one…, chime in….



  144.  #144Emerson on June 14, 2011 at 10:05 am

    137 LG
    I feel inspired by your words and that you can have a good day….I am feeling in a funk today because I have so much on my mind and I feel lonely like I don’t have a support system.

    But I feel inspired to do as you did, and turn it around…..



  145.  #145Emerson on June 14, 2011 at 10:07 am

    139 FW
    Thank you for posting this…GREAT timing…
    The CD I mentioned in my earlier post (I should call him PhoneMan because all he does is talk to me on the phone)….he does not feel like a spiritual connection.

    I feel disconnected and annoyed with him. GRRR



  146.  #146Lucy on June 14, 2011 at 10:10 am

    FW. Thanks for the Carol Allen post. I read that before but it is timely now. I am wondering about #1 though… the calm and lack of anxiety… What about feelings of fear and intensity that may be coming up just around the very idea of being so close to someone who sees you in such a deep, intimate, exposed way? What about fears of not being able to succeed in such an intimate and undefended relationship? These are coming up for me now – does it mean he is not the one, according to Carol’s criterion?



  147.  #147Emerson on June 14, 2011 at 10:14 am

    I know what is bothering me, I feel rejected that I’m not needed at work for part of this week.

    I feel rejected that the CD PhoneMan does not ask me out, but talks to me on the phone. (BORING)

    Hmm. I am probably not supposed to take these things personally and feel rejected.

    But it’s how I feel anyway. 🙁



  148.  #148Emerson on June 14, 2011 at 10:17 am

    I like the Carol Allen post but maybe it’s a little idealistic? I take it with a grain of salt but I think it has some really good things to keep in mind….and take it from there…



  149.  #149Emerson on June 14, 2011 at 10:19 am

    Ugh…I leaned forward with another CD and now I kind of regret it.

    I love my regrets.

    I can begin to correct it by practicing feeling messages, and leaning back, and girl energy….oh I hope I can undo the damage….ugh.

    Frustrating.



  150.  #150Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Lucy I believe it needs some kind of context. As in when you have been with a guy for a while and he is not creating a sense of security, he is rubber banding so you feel insecure and maybe feel like walking on eggshells instead of feeling free to express yourself openly.



  151.  #151Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 10:26 am

    Emerson if you don’t want to be talking on the phone for long extended periods I encourage you to share that. Also if he tries I would encourage you to tell him you have to go. Some guys dislike the phone while others are comfortable being telephone romeos.



  152.  #152The_Diva on June 14, 2011 at 10:30 am

    This is a bit off topic from this article, but I would like some input on this situation.

    I met this man at an event & immediately wanted to
    work with him on a professional level ( we are both musicians). I approached him about this, he agreed, & we began working together.

    Immediately, I could see sparks flying. We seem to work well together & get along great. After a couple of weeks into working together, we went out a couple of times, kissed some, & this leads me to my question.

    This is still in the early phases, but I have noticed we are not seeing each other as frequently, and definitely not talking, texting, etc. as much as we were. We were talking & seeing wach other in between our work
    professionally. That is not happening anymore.

    He does initiate kissing though when I do see him, but that seems to be only when we are getting together for business.

    This is simply not going to work for me if that is all he is wanting from me. I make it a point not to get involved with guys who aren’t interested in me.

    Obviously though, when grabs me & goes to kiss me, I don’t want to say, ‘wait, hold on, don’t want to do this if you’re not serious about me..” & I DEFINITELY will not be asking “so are we in a relationship?” The time to address this would seem to be before he initiates anything.

    Again, at the same time, I don’t want to get into a habit of making out with him when we’re only seeing each other for business.

    Im am thinking that saying something is going to be very important at this point. I dont want to be in limbo, and if hes not interested in more, then Im not willing to get in any deeper. I will need to let him know that our relationship needs to be purely business.

    As a side note, I do want to say that I am ok if our relationship is just business, but the kissing will have to stop if thats all he wants. How to bring up the subject/go about discussing this is where Im having trouble. But this does need to be addressed.

    Any ideas on how to start this conversation?

    And if Im reding too much into this & I should just go with the flow, let me know that too.



  153.  #153Nita on June 14, 2011 at 10:34 am

    SLV hahaha yeah i see what you mean.
    Feminine woman, I feel so frustrated about that ugh but I feel ready to explore one step at a time being comfortable with who I am…im probably not wearing the sexy dress but Ill wear a cute dress lol
    Letitshine…well how about keeping him around but sharing your frustration about his wishy washyness…for me circular dating as in dating others feels strong to do in a situation like this but doing activities that you like, flirting, and hanging out with friends helps clear the mind.



  154.  #154Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Innerbonding – When pain comes up, go into it fully, feel it fully. Avoiding pain only serves to keep it stuck in your body, which can cause even more pain and illness. Embrace it with compassion, express it with your tears, and allow it to move through you. You will not die from it, and you will feel so much better after.

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2838/the-law-of-love.html

    “So it is your limited mind, your programmed ego wounded self who keeps shaming you, telling you that you are not good enough or lovable enough. Do you want to keep defining yourself by your wounded self, or are you ready to let your higher self define you?”



  155.  #155Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 10:38 am

    DAILY INSPIRATION

    When your devotion is truly to love, you are willing to lose everyone and everything, rather than compromise your truth in any way. It takes great courage to be devoted to love.

    By Dr. Margaret Paul



  156.  #156Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 10:40 am

    @78: Rosa says:
    “…I have to say thanks Lucy and SLV, my points exactly.
    The blog is not , in my opinion , the place to be giving medical advice to strangers who in fact , trust their own provider already…”

    Whether or not anyone already trusts his current health provider might be irrelevant to his quality of care. I have an interest in health but I do not have a goal to promote trust in health care providers. Many people ONLY place trust in health care providers. This is not enough! Some people, a preponderance of them women in my experience, believe they have no other choice but to “trust their own provider.” Not good enough.

    Your provider might be a very nice person, and knowledgeable in the medical arts, but a health care provider has many bodies under his or her care. You have one. ONE!!!, that’s all you get on this go-around.

    So learn all you can about it. If your body fails and terminates, your provider will still go on vacation, you will not. Learn all you can, including information about services and treatments that your current provider does not offer.

    I am definitely not anti-doctor, my brother, now deceased, had an M.D. degree and was a thoracic surgeon, operating on lungs and hearts. My father was especially proud of him. There are other physicians in my family as well.

    But, I urge everyone to learn about ALL health options.

    xoxo
    SLV



  157.  #157Dawn on June 14, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Daria, Riff away, sweet Daria, I appreciate you !



  158.  #158Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 10:45 am

    RE 152 Diva maybe this might help you
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/difficult-situations/page/4/

    I would check my intention about why I went into business with him. Was it with the hope that something more might develop?



  159.  #159Emerson on June 14, 2011 at 10:53 am

    151 FW….yes it really is that simple. Thank you my fellow siren…



  160.  #160The_Diva on June 14, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Thank you Femininewoman, I read the article.

    Actually, my only intention when I first met this man was to work with him on a professional level. It wasn’t until we got together to do business that I noticed something. On our first meeting, he opened up and we talked somewhat. By the 2nd meeting, I could I felt something, and on our 3rd meeting, he kissed me for the first time. This was after we had finished our work, & we were chit chatting.



  161.  #161Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 11:03 am

    I meant to post this from Bob Grant here

    The definition of vulnerable is “capable of being
    physically or emotionally wounded or hurt.”

    For a woman, this means that even though she has been hurt by past relationships, she doesn’t let those past hurts control her future relationships. To allow a man to see your insecurities takes courage but it also makes you adorable.

    Here’s an example: If Jennifer is upset at her husband for being 15 minutes late to a dinner party, she doesn’t want to say anything. She’d rather have him apologize to her. He’s late so he should feel horrible. But if he only says, “Sorry I’m late,” in a passing moment then she has a choice.

    She can share her feelings with him without attacking him, although she will feel vulnerable because he could laugh at her, dismiss her feelings, or even roll his eyes.

    On the other hand, she could take the easy route and tell him her feelings in a sarcastic or argumentative way. By arguing and being sarcastic she is protecting herself. I’m not saying she shouldn’t be upset, but it’s how she approaches this situation that determines how vulnerable she’s being.

    If she were my client I’d have her say this, “Jim, I was so embarrassed when you showed up late. I’m not saying you did it on purpose, but it feels like you don’t care about what’s important to me.”

    Then I’d have her stop talking and wait. Even though Jim deserves to be verbally blasted, if Jennifer does this she’ll miss the opportunity.

    If she waits it’s most likely that he will see her point of view and apologize. What’s even better is that Jim knows she could have really gotten upset with him and said hurtful things….and she didn’t.

    In Jim’s eyes, this powerful woman didn’t use her power against him. She didn’t argue or pick a fight when she could have. This makes her incredibly attractive.



  162.  #162Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Making my way down the page… I shoulda started bottom to top…

    @79: Daria says:
    “…just let my judgements be and SPEAK about other things?
    hmm
    like my feelings
    ok
    i feel … worried about turqoise…”

    Daria, those aren’t feelings but never fear I think people will be loving it all down the line. Bet?

    Reading third party stuff is not so pleasant, but things directed to me aren’t so good either sometimes. I’ve been called names, directly and indirectly… Remember the farm animal names…? Was it “moooooo” or “baahhhhh?”
    😆

    Probably both. “AAArrrrFFFFF!!!” That’s for girl dogs everywhere.

    LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL 😆

    Oooooo, I almost can’t wait to do the “feeling” thing. Somewhere. Sometime. I thought I was being a good example by not. On second thought, maybe it didn’t matter much. I’ve had posters make up intentions I never had and then call me names about them. I’ll have to do the “I’m feeling thoughts in my head and in yours” some time. Try it out! 😛

    I can’t do it IRL or people would think I’d gone bonkers and if they didn’t I’d for sure be in the wrong group if people were saying “I feel” “I feel” “I feel” “I feel” like Stepford wives. Is that the “manipulation” that Rusty is talking about.

    Uh-oh, Red Queen is knocking at the door. Sweetie is in his reading nook looking over the top of his reading glasses and shaking his head at me.

    I guess that’s just the Rori blog.

    Later,
    xoxo
    SLV



  163.  #163Dawn on June 14, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Daria is right this blog used to be about healing and practising now its just judgements . When we cant support one another what have we got? Nothing but bad vibes and hurt feelings. that is not healing , its evil. For the record Daria has NEVER given one single bit of bad advice or support. How and why she chooses to live her life is none of our concern. If you were half as enlightened as you think you are you would already know this.



  164.  #164Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 11:14 am

    RE 160 I would assume that was how he was feeling in that moment and you showed him that you were open and invited him in. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Maybe it is expectations that are getting in your way because now you expect him to move the relationship to the next level and he might be feeling your expectant vibe so he is stalled. I would encourage you to bring your energy and your attention back to yourself. If you feel overwhelmed I would share that and that I would feel more comfortable slowing things down. I would be concerned about creating the wrong impression so I am not sure I would bring anything up aside from being confused about all the attention if he is not ready for something more if I am and would want to slow things down.



  165.  #165Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 11:20 am

    #163

    It’s been my observation that plenty of people have used riffs and “feeling messages” to make judgements. Behind the shield of “being authentic” and “practicing” Rori’s concepts.

    I don’t find these “trigger fests” healing personally.



  166.  #166Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 11:22 am

    @91: Mel says:
    “…My husband told me he’s going camping by himself on Friday night so that he can think…”

    Make some good plans for yourself, not plan ‘B’ level but Wowwee! level… “Go to Vegas with a girlfriend” level! This your life we are talking about and it’s no time to skimp or sit around wondering what “he” is thinking.

    xoxo
    SLV



  167.  #167Dawn on June 14, 2011 at 11:25 am

    The Diva, Say nothing and have no expectations. Go with the flow for a bit and see if he is worth investing in. Have some fun. If you are concerned about ”creating a wrong impression ” he isnt for you and keep looking. Being authentic and speaking your truth never leaves a bad impression because it comes from your heart.



  168.  #168Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 11:28 am

    @165: Lily T. says:
    “…It’s been my observation that plenty of people have used riffs and “feeling messages” to make judgements. Behind the shield of “being authentic” and “practicing” Rori’s concepts….”

    Yes, every day and to their men too. Perhaps it will leave more for me, maybe some guy that’s sick of hearing a women talk about how she can “feel” his thoughts, intentions and plans for the future and that she “feels” those of his brother, mother and dog too. LOL 😆 And she “feels” his house being painted too.

    Do you think I’ve had too much sugar? 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  169.  #169Mel on June 14, 2011 at 11:28 am

    SLV,

    Finances aren’t in such a place that this is really a possibility right now. His 9 years of schooling has left us in a mountain of debt.

    He’s also taking our only vehicle to go camping… so driving anywhere is out, unfortunately.

    I am actually quite stuck, unfortunately. Which doesn’t make this any easier.

    I’m going to see what I can figure out though. There’s GOT to be something I can do, even in difficult circumstances…



  170.  #170The_Diva on June 14, 2011 at 11:30 am

    RE 164 Yes, that has crossed my mind.

    But nobody’s saying anything, so Im left wondering. Putting the energy back on me is fine, but when he kisses me, and then we don’t talk for a week, I cant help but think that if this man were TRULY interested, he would make that known. I wouldnt have to wonder.

    And I dont want it to be like that. Im open to being with this man, Im open to dating him, but making out with him once a week when we’re meeting for business ONLY feels bad. It would be different if we were dating & seeing each other outside of business.

    I am concerned about giving off the wrong impression, which is why I am pondering HOW to go about bringing this up.



  171.  #171Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 11:31 am

    RE 168 Lol

    SLV you are real funny.



  172.  #172Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 11:32 am

    RE 169 Mel I am loving your determination.



  173.  #173Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 11:34 am

    The Diva How about “I am a girl and am an emotional creature. Kissing once a week feels bad to me because I want more. I don’t like to feel this way. What do you think?” Or something along those lines.



  174.  #174Daria on June 14, 2011 at 11:36 am

    sometimes judgements are in the riff becuase the kind of riff is a writing out of nvs and they attack others… this is healing to the person doing the riffing

    it might not look healing from an outside perspective of someone who is not involved in the emotional process

    the idea that Rori uses is that Anything we do differently then before, ie… even rage out instead of stuff, is healing because it interrupts past patterns.

    going with compassion is really where we want to get to, and sometimes the triggers are so huge its still possible to get swept away into blaming patterns, etc

    this is healing of past traumas and the triggers can be very powerful – its not about the present interaction

    writing out the judgements and nvs makes them conscious and brings more power of choice on how to act and speak when they come up next



  175.  #175Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 11:39 am

    #168 SLV,

    Don’t know about the sugar, but I’ve suspected there are women who wouldn’t dare shoot the kind of arrows at their men that they feel free to shoot at other women on this blog.

    I see feeling messages as a way to communicate. Here they sometimes seem to be applied as a way to shut communication down. Someone doesn’t like a particular conversation between other sirens? Zing, zing, zing, come the feeling message arrows. Bleh. Why not just scroll through discussions you don’t like? That’s also being authentic.



  176.  #176Dawn on June 14, 2011 at 11:40 am

    The Diva, lean way back. Why risk losing a business partner ? He will come to you and when he does accept him, if you choose. He knows you are wondering so dont.



  177.  #177Daria on June 14, 2011 at 11:41 am

    SLV – worried is a feeling but my other perceptions about whats going on with the bloggers is not

    nevertheless those little blurbs were an experiment in being honest about what i feel about the person

    this is something i usually dont feel comfortable sharing because i dont know how to get it about my feelings and whats going on for me, AND not get blamy or assume what i perceive its true…

    it was a lil step forward for me because i dropped the blame, but nevertheless i didnt know how to make it feelingy exactly

    this is a skill i would love to have because ive spent 20 years with a depressed mother and have had friends who had problems with drugs and alcohol and did not have the skills to tell them how i feel when i see them feeling upset or etc

    my past pattern is to just hold that in which doesnt feel good so now i am practicing speaking on it



  178.  #178Letitshine on June 14, 2011 at 11:43 am

    @emerson- thanks- that article would be great!!

    @Nita- to be sure I’m tracking, you think going into CD is too strong and I should do my own thing today?

    I guess I feel rude not responding at all- like I am playing a game. Actually, I think I finally did forgive myself for convincing- and I think you r right- my vibe changed a bit- but I think I am now back on track. Actually, I feel angry towards him and feel disrespected that if he truly cares for me, why would he do this back and forth stuff- it’s not fair to me. I was thinking of responding “Great- I will check it out.. why are you contacting me? I thought we agreed we were not to be friends? I am feel disrespected when a guy is very back and forth. It seems you don’t know what you want with me. You know what I want and I feel it is okay to what what I want and I am going to wait until I find a man that wants what I want as it feels really confusing and hurtful when a guy can’t decide what he wants. and leave it at that????

    What do you all think?? enough feeling- suggestions welcome.

    oh- The_Diva- I would definitely say something- this is early so maybe just saying- you don’t take guys too seriously when they only kiss you at work- and just be quiet- this worked for me when a guy hadn’t text in 7 days- whew- that pushed his button. If he doesn’t know, then I would say you need to be prepared to walk. ha- here is me giving advice on that- funny??



  179.  #179Daria on June 14, 2011 at 11:45 am

    i feel frustrated about my words coming across as shutting communication down

    when i feel super outraged , i noticed that energy of wanting to shut someone down, etc

    i am babystepping to keeping my words expressing my feelings

    sometimes it feels like im being discounted and then a strong panic and surge of energy comes as if its life or death, like i will disappear or be subjugated if i dont speak up for mysefl to say no that doesnt feel good to me at least

    i have a pattern of going quiet so speaking up for me is a step to doing something different



  180.  #180Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 11:47 am

    RE 175 Lily T I love how you express. It is amazing how things can bring out other sides of us that are sometimes suppressed for whatever reason.



  181.  #181Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 11:47 am

    Lily T:
    “Bleh. Why not just scroll through discussions you don’t like? That’s also being authentic.”

    Why not just scroll through the feeling messages?



  182.  #182Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 11:48 am

    I see thoughts being used as arrows as well.



  183.  #183Daria on June 14, 2011 at 11:50 am

    happy birthday laughing goddess



  184.  #184Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 11:51 am

    @110: Nita says:
    “…I love salsa and I even have a salsa name…”

    I adore that idea! I already have a lot of names but I could add another… 😀

    I want a salsa name. I wonder what it would be… Should there be a “Salsa-Name-For-SLV” contest?

    xoxo
    SLV



  185.  #185Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 11:51 am

    #180 FW,

    Actually, I’ve stopped reading riffs and the like for the most part – I don’t like being drawn into the negative energy suck of them.



  186.  #186Daria on June 14, 2011 at 11:52 am

    i feel angry and shut down and upset reading thoughts and judgements about ”other women”

    i feel afraid to let down my armor

    i feel angry

    i feel disappointed

    i feel sad



  187.  #187Daria on June 14, 2011 at 11:53 am

    i wonder why riffs feel like negative energy suck to some and liberating healing to others?



  188.  #188Daria on June 14, 2011 at 11:58 am

    so now to come back to my own judgements and turnarounds

    how does Rori expect us to encourage these women to use her tools, especially deep ones like riffing, when they are launched in what feels like a full on battle and attack against this tool

    what if telling authentic truths or looking at ugly parts is really so far out of their comfort zone ? how are we supposed to inspire them?

    how are we supposed to inspire when it seems the majority of the blog is now not into practicing riffing and such but rather into debating and beliefs

    i dont want to feel afraid constantly of being attacked on theis fuchkin blog

    i dont want to have this be a masculine voice space where it doesnt feel safe to explore my feminine

    i feel angry

    i feel afraid really, constantly on defense, and hounded, and unsafe

    im feeling upset!



  189.  #189Dawn on June 14, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Because some of us arent afraid of the truth. If you cant stand your own truth how you gonna help someone find thiers.



  190.  #190Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 11:59 am

    RE 178 Let-it-Shine I would go back to me and let him be himself. Going back and forth might just be him being himself, that might be what is comfortable for him. You can however, in my opinion, jump off the seesaw if it feels uncomfortable.



  191.  #191Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    @122: Mel says:
    “…Perhaps this has changed for him, but has remained the same for me and this is why we are at this impasse…”

    Perhaps you could consider making a third way, a life and marriage appropriate for both of you. He’s no longer in the first, is he?

    xoxo
    SLV



  192.  #192Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    I’m feeling amused by the irony of conflict.

    I have observed how I can be inconsistent. One minute I am feeling wise and tapped in and the next I am feeling like a child throwing a tantrum.

    And I see it in others as well.

    And I love the inconsistency. And I accept that I am imperfect and sometimes wrong and petty.

    And I want to see the perfection in my inconsistency and I want to love my not so pretty sides and I want to love my not so pretty sides.

    And I believe in me and what I am experiencing here. And it’s okay if other people don’t seem to understand it right now.

    My outer world changes as I change inwardly. And as I love myself more and more, I am experiencing more and more understanding and acceptance in the outer world.

    And I still feel really sad when I encounter people who aren’t as excited as I feel about certain things like feeling messages.

    And I don’t want to lash out.

    Yet I do feel sad because I want to feel a sense of cooperation and acceptance. And I know that the change comes from within.

    And I feel angry.
    I love my anger.
    And that feels like smiles.
    I love my smiles.
    And I feel really excited about today and my life.
    I love today and I love my life.
    And that feels like deep breath.
    I love my deep breath.
    I feel so appreciative of all the well wishes I had received.
    And I will focus my attention towards thoughts that feel good.
    Because I get to choose what I think about.
    And I will focus on all the people whom I feel good interacting with.

    My focus is where my power lies.
    And I will focus on things that make me smile.
    As my gift to myself today…and every day.

    C’mon LG! Let’s step into the sun and have some fun.



  193.  #193Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Lily T One of Rori’s interviews spoke about how when we have changed to positive energy how the negative energy people don’t feel good to engage with anymore. It is amazing to notice how one gets rankled when that type of energy shows up.



  194.  #194Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    Some of us riff in our heads and work through it that way, rather than expelling it out towards a specific person on the blog in writing.



  195.  #195Daria on June 14, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    Rori ( i know you are on vacation ) but here is a dilemma for me

    so im practicing speaking my truth and baring out my voices which of course are not always pretty

    and then i get judgements from other people like this

    ”I tend to be asking myself about the valuing of coaching from someone who thinks in that type of voice.”

    and im like, are you sure everyone has nvs? or is it just me?

    am i really that different from anyone? is it really safe to show my inner workings?

    i mean, if i show my true self, maybe people will not think im capable, or worthy, or safe

    and so the dilemma of how we come to put on masks in the first place

    how come i feel so ”ungot” on the blog lately

    not only do i feel like the blog is dry, and draining,

    but when i try and flood it with rawness… i seem to be getting attacked…

    it feels so… hostile … and unsafe

    it feels icky, not happy

    thats why i really wish you were still greeting the first posters

    not necessarily posting along with us all the time, but just the blurbs to the first posters seemed enough to get your voice on here and make this place feel safe and healing, and get people inspired to practice tools on here

    the blog does not feel so safe now

    do you think I should leave it? maybe its time to have superficial discussion for new people now ? maybe the time of using the blog for healing is over, and it has been swallowed up by the masculine voice stuff that we find everywhere else

    AHA! this is a pattern of thinking, of ”losing” a wonderful feeling support system

    like i ”lost” my wonderful times and connections with my friends… and it slowly died down until there is only me, alone

    and that i think this is how my life will awlays work,

    periods of support and connection are fleeting

    and it takes great energy for me to sustain them

    after they are dying

    and only I sustain them, and nobody else seems to care

    as everyone drifts apart and i feel lonely again

    booo hoo!

    this sux!!

    can we create a safe space? how can i renew that feeling of support and safety?



  196.  #196Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    #193 FW,

    Agreed. I started feeling alot better about this blog when I chose to walkaway from conflict rather than engage.

    Another thing Rori has written many times is, “Feel your feelings, CHOOSE your words.”



  197.  #197Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    Lily T I hope that it is just a perception that it is directed at a specific person. As Tinque recommends when we come back to self as in bringing the attention back to ourselves sometimes the stories we make up change. As such sometimes though I have had the perception that things are directed at me I feel no threat. I always have the choice one way or another to take it on or not. My life does not depend on it. Just my humble opinion. Some people do riff here but delete it, choose not to post but my opinion is no one should suggest anything that is restrictive to others. Of course unless it is your blog. Maybe that’s the reason others disappeared. Freedom of choice is good.



  198.  #198Daria on June 14, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Lily T – about riffing in our heads…

    Rori encourages us to get it out on paper… to get it OUT of our heads… this has a catharthic effect

    also writing it out adds another element, as it feels scary to let that stuff WE judge as ugly, be seen

    it gives a strong message to our subconscious that we are accepting ourselves

    then other people can feel inspired that They are ok too, if they notice something in there they were afraid to share and they see someone else accepting themselves with

    that has been my experience reading riffs and i loved it

    these voices and patterns are not our fault, they are created as we grow up and can stay unconscious if not directly paid attention to – as through writing, or consciously speaking outloud

    for some people, skilled at attentive focus, thinking it mindfully in their mind may bring the thoughts into awareness

    although nto sharing them, i feel concerned it would send the message to self

    ”its not safe to share my truth”

    ”im not worthy to share my truth”

    ”my truth doesnt help others”

    ”i have to hide my truth”

    ”no one else is interested in my truth”

    ”my truth harms others”

    etc.

    i strongly encourage sharing the truth with others, but i know many people are afraid to



  199.  #199Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Thank you for the birthday wishes Lillybelle, FW, DE, Lucy, Emerson, and Daria.

    I feel uplifted and bathed in positive energy and that feels soooo good right now, like a breath of fresh air.

    I feel surrounded by friendship and love and goddess friends and beautiful flowers.

    I feel like swaying my body and dancing and the warmth of a big embrace.

    Thank you so much!



  200.  #200Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    RE 192 Thanks LG for riffing about the conflict of irony. You really have a way of putting things into context and saving the day. That feels happy to me.



  201.  #201Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Daria, I do understand what you are saying about riffing, getting it out. But when riffs, negative feeling messages, are specifically directed at another person, it is no longer just about YOU, your internal self exploration of your triggers. And I don’t mean you as in you personally Daria, I mean it in the general sense of people who do this.

    Calling out someone specifically has the effect of creating negative energy surrounding anyone who is reading. I’m not interested in absorbing negative energy off an internet forum.



  202.  #202FlowerChild77 on June 14, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    #79Daria…I owe you an apology. After I posted last nite (I was tired and didn’t stay online) I realized that the post should have been to Torquoise AND to you. I feel bad. My intention was not to talk ‘about you’ but to discuss posts and feelings, etc. I’m usually better at communicating than that; and I never say things about others that I won’t say to their face. (Makes me none too popular sometimes.) So, yes, I am sorry if it felt bad…I was wrong.

    Thank you for explaining ‘riffing’; I have a clearer idea of what it is and why it works. To face our dragons, we must first know what they are. That makes sense.

    Also…I was not judging you about your age. I was saying that I cannot always put myself in your shoes because we have had very different lives and life experiences. That is not a judgement, it is a fact about me.

    I’m way behind and gotta get reading, but I wanted to apologize and explain before I continue. <3



  203.  #203Daria on June 14, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    i feel like im on the edge of a huge breakthrough that i am scared to make

    a way to heal my problem of having hte support system i want Forever

    i have all the time in the world

    i can be stuck here for all time subconscious where it feels safe in the cage

    and i also give permission for me to come out of the cage and heal this

    **

    oh inoticed i am attracted to people who criticize me

    like my dad

    and mom too

    also to people who are somewhat distant, indifferent

    this is what im practicing to change

    makes sense that i would most SEE people who criticize me and feel their energy stronger than that of people who support me like Dawn and LG



  204.  #204Daria on June 14, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    FlowerChild – hey thanks! i feel surprised and happy and a bit unworthy to receive your apology

    aww

    i feel all warm towards you

    and i feel GREAT to hear you understand riffing better now

    for me, i dont know what it feels like to not be able to put mysefl in someones shoes i dont think…i always just assume i can .. on intuition…

    but sometimes i guess it and imagine it in a way that doesnt apply to the other person…

    thats where feeling messages from them would coem in handy to hear

    also seems tied in to the stuff about me hearing stuff about mysefl that doesnt apply, and now speaking up about it

    i have been doing much better about this with my mom and we had a truthful discussion yesterday



  205.  #205Daria on June 14, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    lily t- hmm… but there are no negative feeling messages that i know of

    do you mean if someone says

    i feel angry at you?

    or i feel upset reading your post?

    im not sure if that is really negative energy or is it that maybe it feels uncomfortable to see anger?

    for me, i feel very uncomfortable to see anger even though i am starting to feel a bit more able to aceept and process it



  206.  #206Daria on June 14, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    i think i can see how it can feel triggering

    i think my talking to myself or out loud about another person or another person’s post, when i feel upset, can feel bad

    kinda like the way it feels bad when people talk about me in 3rd person and i can witness it

    i think this may be an extension of that energy,

    a going numb and treating the other person as an object, as not present, by talking ABOUT them

    hmm

    wow yeah i was getting here last night

    this makes sense

    hmm

    i wonder what will change?



  207.  #207Lucy on June 14, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    192 LG. I feel excited reading what you wrote about inconsistency. Awhile ago a siren described me as “consistently inconsistent.” To her, it was a negative thing, but I embraced it as a positive thing and have felt delighted ever since to think of myself that way. To me it is an aspect of authenticity, vulnerability, openness, growth, and change.



  208.  #208Lucy on June 14, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    206 Yay Daria!



  209.  #209Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    Wikipedia definition of vulnerability:-

    Vulnerability refers to the susceptibility of a person, group, society or system to physical or emotional injury or attack. The term can also refer to a person who lets their guard down, leaving themselves open to censure or criticism. Vulnerability refers to a person’s state of being liable to succumb to manipulation, persuasion, temptation etc.



  210.  #210Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    “194: Lily T. says:

    Some of us riff in our heads and work through it that way, rather than expelling it out towards a specific person on the blog in writing.

    Tuesday, 14 June 2011 @ 12:06pm

    I get that it feels bad when some riffing seems like an attack on a specific person. In my experience, the benefit of riffing is that it eventually flushes out the judgments and we become aware of our role in the dynamic.

    What I feel frustrated about is Rori encourages us to practice using these tools here. I feel so discouraged when people criticize others for do it.

    A part of me does get it though. We are learning and sometimes the feeling messages can seem blaming. When used correctly, I don’t think they are supposed to, yet we are still learning.

    I hear that you are bothered by the perceived negativity. I wonder if you can see that your perspective may come across to some as negative as well?

    I’m not saying that to make you wrong but rather in hopes that you can see that we are not all that different. Or maybe so I can see it.



  211.  #211Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    #206
    Yes Daria, that’s what I was getting at. 🙂



  212.  #212Lucy on June 14, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    Daria, I admit I feel frustrated when I see you judging others and writing in masculine voice and then complaining that the blog is full of judging and masculine voices.



  213.  #213The_Diva on June 14, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    RE 173 Thank you Femininewoman. That is good.

    RE 176 Thank you Dawn. Im curious, you said he knows im wondering so dont…dont say anything? Is that what you meant?

    This has also crossed my mind. Then if I dont say anything, I would probably be open & friendly, but Iwould shut it down at the point where I could see him wanting to kiss me, much like I do with men who I just see as friends that Im not interested in.

    Here’s another thing: I WANT to work with him professionally. As a matter of fact, if it came down to losing him as a business partner, that would be a bigger blow to me.

    I WANT more with him, sure…Im finding myself completely me around him…so why all this concern over how to talk to him, go figure. I could probably say anything & he would at least listen. But the last thing I want him to say how he didn’t know I was feeling like that & that maybe its best if we didnt work together.

    I think thats why Im so concerned about this. There’s a lot at stake here.



  214.  #214Lilybelle on June 14, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    188:

    Yes!



  215.  #215Dawn on June 14, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    Im out because truthfully this isnt Roris blog anymore . It has another voice . Its not a good place. I think Ill start my own!



  216.  #216gina on June 14, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Daria,
    I feel very supportive of you and I wish you all good things. I love how willing you are to explore your inner life so deeply. I respect that you refuse to conform to society and that you are determined to live life on your terms. Although, I do see a paradox, which is maybe related to what TG was saying, and maybe it relates to the stuckness you see in women here, that you mentioned is actually yours, and maybe mine too. The stuckness I see is a free spirit “stuck” in a material world. I see you soaring free in your mind and here in your expression. It’s interesting to hear from a person who is unemcumbered by the pressure to achieve the status quo, someone who refuses to get “a job.” And I’m on board with you to a lesser degree – I’m financially independent, but I have rejected the idea of a “real job.” But the irony is that I feel sorta “stuck” being a waittress. I feel ashamed and a little like a slave. And I perceive you as “stuck” depending on your family, or resorting to thugishness, which sounds borderline criminal. Being a slave or a criminal doesn’t feel nearly as good as happilly and willfully providing for people in exchange for honest money. And, of course, there are people who are deemed acceptable or maybe even ideal by societies’ standards, that I would consider a criminal or a slave. so simply being a part of the mainstream isn’t the answer. But simply rejecting the mainstream, I’m finding is not the answer either. I feel excited to blast through stuckness and get swept up in more and more oppportunities to make money helping people in ways that I love. I am excited to attract abundance in all forms. I am excited to become who I want to be so I can attract who I want to be with. I hope that you can achieve complete independence in the physical realm, so that all your spiritual gifts will be put to use. I see you shining bright, performing miracles, and enlightening others. What do you think?



  217.  #217Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    #210 LG,

    “I hear that you are bothered by the perceived negativity. I wonder if you can see that your perspective may come across to some as negative as well?”

    Yes I do.

    It’s also why I didn’t start this discussion, just added my thoughts to some of those already posted. Are you going to address them as well?



  218.  #218gina on June 14, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    I’m noticing that what I wrote sounds like I just have a negative attitude about my “job” as a waittress. And I don’t think that’s entirely it. I do know that it feels great to take good care of people, and I feel good knowing I earn the money I make. The slave part comes from the fact that I believe I can do more for people, but I feel like there’s no good place for my gifts in our society, and THAT’s the attitude I need to change – that’s why I feel like a slave. Because of my repeated thought that I “can’t” make money and function in our society in a way that will feel good to me.



  219.  #219Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    One thing I have noticed which seems to be shouting loudly at me, is that Tinque never gets into these types of discussions/debates. I really honor the example that she sets around the blog and am actually wanting to get to the place where she is at.



  220.  #220Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    RE 218 Gina can I encourage you to look at what you feel might be your purpose on the planet. Where you might be connected to something bigger than yourself and want to fulfil that?



  221.  #221Lucy on June 14, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    210 LG. I don’t see ppl criticizing others for using Rori’s tools and for using the blog the way Rori intends. What I see is ppl objecting to others doing things that Rori has repeatedly asked us Not to do here – namely, judging and attacking. No one here objects to FM’s and riffs Done the Way Rori Teaches – Without Judgment, Blame, and Criticism. <3



  222.  #222Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    #221 Lucy,

    I see Ella’s riffs as a good example of this.



  223.  #223gina on June 14, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    I do fulfill a bigger purpose – teaching people to ballroom dance, and I am a program director for a teen program. And I feel great about those things. I just want to remove my financial dependence on the waitressing gig entirely.



  224.  #224gina on June 14, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    I look forward to wearing more and more professional clothes, looking better all the time. Smiling more. Taking on more responsibility. Making decisions that impact people’s lives – finding out that I’m capable of making good decisions. Being creative. expanding the scope of my reach.



  225.  #225turquoise3 on June 14, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    Ok, it took me all afternoon to get caught up, but last night I said……

    Daria, I’ve been wanting to say this to you for awhile now, and at one point, it was in regard to a conversation we had, but you never replied to.

    You can dish it out, but can’t take it. You want to give your opinion and ideas to everyone else, tell them they are wrong, but won’t even read a response to you. How are you growing if you can’t look at both sides of a situation? You don’t want to read it because you feel “scared, blamed, tight, etc.” but how do you think your words make others feel? Do you ever filter what you want to say?

    And Daria, you say you aren’t into money, won’t need money when you are a medicine woman living off the land and homeschooling your children… then a few weeks later it’s about wanting status and to be with a thug. That you like the badboys, several times you’ve mentioned they are on house arrest… That doesn’t match up to me at all. Are you being honest about what you want? You act like Rori’s words are the gospel truth, yet thugs sound pretty toxic to me. I don’t understand what you are doing with guys like that.

    Sorry Daria, don’t want to sound harsh, just what’s been on my mind. I’m feeling very bitch* today…. I’m sure you are triggered by my words, but doesn’t seem right that you won’t consider others replies to your alternate view/negative posts, but want us to value your opinion.

    And this turned into alllllllll this. You’ve said many many times that you feel unheard on the blog, and for me…. many time I don’t reply to what you write, because it only seems like you want to hear what you want to hear, not what others may really think. When you do get a response you don’t like, it turns into all this riffing, which often to me sounds like an excuse to say whatever you want, but not be held accountable to it, because Rori says it’s ok to riff. It’s a lot of drama, draining for me to read and I don’t see your riffing as a learning tool for me. I would much rather write a message directly to the person than about the person. But I am direct. That is who I am.

    I completely agree with FW that it’s hard to be coached by someone who I see in this frame of mind. I’ve never seen Tinque or Rori riff on the blog. It’s hard to take you seriously when I read your riffs. While I understand their value to you, I don’t feel that most of what you say is valuable to me in a public online forum. You will hate to hear this, but sometimes it actually makes me laugh because to me, I don’t get why you are so infuriated. So rageful. It’s like a child having a temper tantrum. How could I take that seriously as a professional coach or counselor?

    When you are calm, cool and collected, you often give very valauble advice, perspective, and things that do make me think.

    You said some things to me, about how could you help me, that I’m feeling my feelings on the surface I believe… to be honest, like I mentioned above, some of what you write I do take to heart….but a lot of times I have to skip over what you write. It makes me uncomfortable to read about your puss* and wanting strange men to go down on you. I really can’t see that we have anything in common. We are at very different places in our lives, and I view your world as more lala land than reality. Which is great for you, but not for me.

    You live at home and don’t work. Your parents still take care of you and provide for you. You are the child. You’ve never been married, but want a husband to take care of you.

    I raise my children by myself, work a full time job and have a side business to be able to provide for my family. I am the parent. I am responsible for their well being, I must think about money because we need it to survive. I cannot live by manifesting thoughts of what wish would show up for me. I also help my parents as much as possible. They are older, raised their children, are now retired.

    You smoke pot and are in a DUI class, that you speak openly about. You like men who you refer to as thugs, and want the status they can give you.

    I was married to a military officer with 4 degrees. I value educated men who also have status, but in a professional mannar. I was married and in a committed relationship for 11 years. I’ve never been high, I don’t drink and drive. I am always responsible for myself. Yes, I’m judging your life, and you are judging mine. I remember you don’t like the word reality. It’s limiting to you. To me, it’s being a grown up.

    I don’t know that I’m here looking to be enlightened. I’m here to learn how to do better in my relationships. Which, is already happening. I’m more aware of what I want, what I need, and what I want to give to others. I’m realizing my mistakes in the past, and learning how to not make them again. I’m not a depressed person which, when you mentioned your mother, I’m thinking you were referring to the posts to me. I’m not on any medication, I’ve gone through counseling with my divorce, and it was very beneficial to me. I’ve had sad things happen in my life, but I have way more to be thankful and grateful for. There are things I’d like to change; to be healthier, have a more challenging career, to be in a loving relationship. But I find a lot of my happiness outside myself. I have beautiful children, a great family and friends, live in a wonderful town, have had amazing travels and adventures…. if this is as good as it ever gets for me, I’d be ok with that. For you, the journey seems to be about what is inside you, and what you are looking for is about you, what will be given to you… etc. I think I know me pretty well. I’m not here trying to find myself. I’m always looking to grow though.



  226.  #226Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    Gina you don’t know where that program will take some of those teenagers. I see that program impacting peoples lives. I would look for someone to help create something with that dancing program. You just never know.



  227.  #227FlowerChild77 on June 14, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Since I am kind of new here, so I want to apologize to everyone for whatever part my posts had in this disagreement/bad feeling on the blog, etc. I didn’t intend to hurt anyone’s feelings or do anything Rori says not to do, or make anyone angry or disrespect anyone. I explained and apologized in a previous post.

    I do feel a little bit uncomfortable/bad/worried that the blog feels “boring” to anyone. I don’t have any exciting CD’s to talk about…or anything else “exciting” for that matter. I find reading about others and sharing and learning very exciting. We are all at different stages of our journey…and I feel really sad that a ‘blog for beginners’ was suggested to relieve the boredom. Ouch…



  228.  #228Lilybelle on June 14, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    223:

    gina~

    I know how hard it is, first hand, to get out of the business, the money is so good! So so GOOD!

    I often think about going BACK to it. It gets in your blood and it really doesn’t ever leave, IMO.

    ~Lilybelle.



  229.  #229Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Lily T: “It’s also why I didn’t start this discussion, just added my thoughts to some of those already posted. Are you going to address them as well?”

    I’m feeling a little confused by the question. Could you elaborate a little more?

    Are you asking because you’re feeling concerned that I am singling you out and not addressing all of the other posts on the topic?

    If so, I have been reading the blog for a while now and in my brain it’s one long discussion. I usually just respond to posts that spark my interest for whatever reason, usually because I can relate in some way, or if they trigger me and I can see that I have some healing to do around that subject, or if I feel curious about someone and want to know them better, or it’s someone that I have an ongoing friendship with…..

    Anyway, I’m rambling. What I’m trying to say is, I’m not sure exactly what you are asking there but I would like to understand.



  230.  #230turquoise3 on June 14, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Gina, I’ve waitressed… I understand 🙂 And you know what, it’s a job. I don’t think we have to get our identities from what we do to make a living. Your work with teenagers and teaching ballrroom sounds amazing! So creative, and giving… awesome. My sister is an office manager for a heating and AC company and she HATES it. Hates it sooo much. She loves animals and nature and would love a career in that. I’ve encouraged her to volunteer or start a second part time job that could lead to something more fulfilling. We don’t all have to be mainstream… and believe me, I wish I didn’t have to work for money, but I do. I was an elementary school teacher before I had my girls, which was very rewarding. Now, it’s hard to find a teaching job without a special ed. degree, so I work in an office. It’s not where I want to be forever, but it’s easy, close to home, people are great… and it pays the bills. To get my creative energy out, I started a small candy business. I do it when I want, I love it so much, take private orders, sell at a small local store, at craft shows in the fall/winter, and give a lot away. Maybe someday it would turn into something big and full time, but I worry I wouldn’t enjoy it as much then. I like it the way it is… extra money to pay for Christmas and vacations, or an activity for the girls, something sparkly for me… it’s my outlet. 🙂



  231.  #231Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    RE 227 FlowerChild I see it as sharing our experiences here and explaining what we are here for. Everyone is in a different place. I have seen really bad things in the past. I guess SLV could also attest to that. I was a bit of a lurker back then and this pales in comparison. I just want people who are reading but not posting to feel that they can post though they might not feel confident using feeling messages or riffing in a “perfect” way. We have different opinions, voices and experiences but for me it is a safe place to express as long as it does not come across as kind of telling off or hounding anyone.



  232.  #232turquoise3 on June 14, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    and Gina, I can appreciate the slave reference. Sometimes I feel like a slave to my life… get up, get ready, take the girls to school, go to work, come home, make dinner, run to activities, check my email and the blog, pay bills, balance my checkbook, check homework, go to sleep, wake up and repeat…

    lol. But, it’s not always this way, and I’m making personal sacrifices for some things I’d want now, because I wanted children more. They are worth every sacrifice I’ll ever make, and they’ll be gone before I know it. I’ll have a lot of years left for more travel and adventure, a more challenging career.. romantic rendavous (sp?) down the road. 🙂



  233.  #233Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    Jilly I am missing you and hope everything is okay with you if you are still reading.



  234.  #234Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    #229 LG,

    I do feel you are singling me out. You haven’t addressed posts made by Turquoise, SLV, or Lucy that have said similiar things, perhaps even more directly.

    I’ve also noticed you’ve done this before – singling me out to comment to – when I’ve been in a discussion (I didn’t start) with someone else.

    I’m curious as to why you do that.



  235.  #235turquoise3 on June 14, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Flowerchild… this happens here. Sometimes it gets really touchy, it’s actually been pretty mild here lately. I still feel like a newbie too… I’ve only been here a few months. FW is right in 231. I concur! Well said FW.

    This is one of those things where you can’t please everyone. People complain when the conversation is too casual-which guys we are flirting with, too intellectual because that isn’t the point, too enlightening because others aren’t at that place, etc. I think it would be great if each thread would at least start out talking about the article, but most of the time there are other conversations going on, and they carry from thread to thread.



  236.  #236Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    221: Lucy says:

    210 LG. I don’t see ppl criticizing others for using Rori’s tools and for using the blog the way Rori intends. What I see is ppl objecting to others doing things that Rori has repeatedly asked us Not to do here – namely, judging and attacking. No one here objects to FM’s and riffs Done the Way Rori Teaches – Without Judgment, Blame, and Criticism. <3

    Tuesday, 14 June 2011 @ 1:13pm

    Lucy, thank you for sharing a different perspective. I feel curious why you felt the desire to tell me that? Are you feeling concerned that I might be misunderstanding what you are saying?



  237.  #237turquoise3 on June 14, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    I’m off to CD some girlfriends… dinner and going to see Bridesmaids at the movies. I love that I get to have a girls night out on a Tuesday this week!!! I’ll be back later to read all the comments about my judgemental post to Daria. I wonder if I said that in masculine energy or feminine? It’s how I’ve been feeling for a LONG time, and refrained from saying to not get into a debate or drama. Hmm… something to think about on the way home? Why did I feel the need to write all that? I don’t really feel like I was defending myself… more like clearing the air. This is my view, how I feel… and I don’t want it confused. I don’t want someone thinking they can “help” me with all their enlightenment when I don’t necessarily want it. Lots of judgements on my part today… lots to think about.

    Hope everyone has a great evening!!!!

    JILLY… seriously missing your vibe here. Hope you come back. I’ll have to FB you and see where you are!



  238.  #238turquoise3 on June 14, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Happy Birthday LG!! Hope it’s fabulous!

    Lily T. ~ Thanks for writing what I wanted to say about riffing in a better way. I think we think a lot a like about some things. Sometimes I really hate reading all the negatives.

    Lucy!!! Hope things are going well with your Aussie. I want an update please!!!



  239.  #239Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    @130: Laughing Goddess says:
    “…And I guess I feel a little uncomfortable with turning 39…”

    This is day is only for you… Happy Birthday (age is just a number version)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J55nUIg2JN4

    This day is just for you but I had some fun with it too.

    Happy Birthday to you and…

    Steffi Graf (42 today)
    Donald Trump (65 today)
    Peter Mayle (writer “A Year in Provence” – 72 today )***
    Marla Gibbs (“The Jeffersons” – 80 today) ‘Go, Florence!’

    ***Oh, I loved that book. I even loved the BBC tv episodes of “A Year In Provence.” The BBC shows featured John Thaw and Lindsay Duncan as Peter and Annie Mayles and of course the wonderful Alfred Molina in his role as the visiting John Havers… Hilarious!!!

    BTW, after I saw Peter Mayles’s name as “birthday boy” I went book and film library trippin’. I revisited Peter Mayles’s book list and Alfred Molina’s film career. I’ll be reading Peter Mayles this summer… I’m so excited (I hope I’ll be “so exciting”… little joke, hey Brenda)

    Alfred Molina is truly a brilliant actor. He didn’t only shine in “A Year In Provence” and more recently as the father in the Oscar-winning “An Education.” Does anybody remember Alfred Molina as Satipo in Steven Spielberg’s Raiders of the Lost Ark? (1981)

    “Raiders” holds a dear place in my heart because I went with a couple of friends to see it on my birthday in 1981. The cinema was packed and there was an almost physical feeling of excitement. It was the first of the “Indiana Jones” films and one of the earliest of the summer blockbuster kind of films. It was fun, new and special.

    Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
    [Indiana needs his bullwhip to swing across a chasm]
    Indiana: Give me the whip.
    Satipo: Throw me the idol. No time to argue! Throw me idol, I’ll throw you the whip!
    Indiana: [throws the idol] Give me the whip!
    Satipo: Adiós, señor.

    Yes, then I ordered a bunch of stuff… LOL 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  240.  #240tinque on June 14, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    In defense of Daria, she comes here to heal, and a huge part her process involves riffing. She used to just let it all out, and she still does, BUT now she is very clear what she is doing, and if some of her triggers involve individuals who are named, she is VERY clear that this is NOT about them but about her and her triggers, and each time she asks to be healed from this.

    When it comes to coaching, I for example cannot come here to process. I am here to give support and help when I can. When I have things to process, I have to do it elsewhere, usually on my own though sometimes I will reach out to close friends or even some of the women here since I’ve become close to a few of them.

    I am also very, very sensitive so the rare times I feel attacked, I do not engage, mostly for the reasons already cited but also it wouldn’t serve me to do so. I would only feel more hurt.

    To those who have defended me, I feel deeply touched and grateful. Not that I really need defending, but it feels SO good to see someone care that much.

    So Turquoise and anyone else who sometimes feels offended or attacked by Daria or anyone else who states clearly that they are processing, please, please try not to take it personally.

    We are all triggered by various people at various times. I actually greatly admire and respect those who can say that this or that person triggered them, and they want very much to heal whatever it is inside them that caused the trigger.

    It’s not the person who triggers. This person is simply the vehicle. The pain/trigger is within, and this person just happened to reflect this deep inner pain back.

    Is this making sense?

    xxoo



  241.  #241Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    #235 Turq,

    The fact that there are usually a few different “conversations” going on at once is something I like about this blog. If one isn’t of interest to someone reading, another might be.

    I’m often perplexed why people get so upset about a discussion they choose not to be a part of. Why not just scroll through it? Or start up a new discussion? Or come back later when the objectionable discusssion is over?

    I don’t get this need to comment – negatively – about a discussion that isn’t of interest to oneself. It feels rude to me.



  242.  #242Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    234: Lily T. says:

    #229 LG,

    I do feel you are singling me out. You haven’t addressed posts made by Turquoise, SLV, or Lucy that have said similiar things, perhaps even more directly.

    I’ve also noticed you’ve done this before – singling me out to comment to – when I’ve been in a discussion (I didn’t start) with someone else.

    I’m curious as to why you do that.

    Tuesday, 14 June 2011 @ 1:52pm

    The reason I have commented on some of your posts is because of the indirectness. I experience it as being catty, for lack of a better word.

    I feel hesitant to say that because I’m not wanting to call anyone names, I just don’t know how else to say what I am experiencing.

    And I feel uncomfortable with what I see as resistance to accept and support some of the tools being used here. I feel uncomfortable because this is almost like therapy and I feel vulnerable exposing my heart and sometimes not so prettiness with someone watching and criticising and not participating.

    And I can see how this is great practice for the real world. And not everyone is going to get or support my process.

    And I would like to stay open to you anyway because I imagine you have a lot of beautiful things to share. I would like to feel safe around you.

    For me, indirect jabs hurt so much more than directness.



  243.  #243Rusty on June 14, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    59: Ladybug says:

    I agree with Rusty. Cut the BS and discuss the situations and concerns like adults.

    We are adults, right? We aren’t 12 year olds.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    I should note that I enjoy reading the posts here sometimes, but I have to admit that it can be at times, emotionally draining. But because of this paragraph, for my ENTJ personality type, which is very true:

    “The ENTJ does not usually have a problem with self-confidence and is not especially emotionally needy. Although they enjoy being told that they are loved and appreciated, they don’t need to hear these types of avowals as often as most other types. If they are partnered with a Feeling type, they are probably not likely to fulfill their partner’s needs for intimate words without conscious effort. Even with effort, the ENTJ may have problems being aware of other’s emotional needs, and they most likely won’t understand those needs even if they are aware of them.”

    I think it allows me to work on this a bit by reading and responding to some of the posts. So I am not asking for anyone here to change. Some of the poss here are so emotional and yes, at times illogical, that they are hard for me to read, but I know that this helps me grow and understand other people better.

    At the same time, hopefully my personality which is strongly driven by logic and severely lacking in emotion, can also help some of you understand “some” men better. 😉



  244.  #244Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Lily T and Turquoise:

    I so get what you two are saying about reading the negatives but what you saying it seems soooooo negative to me. It doesn’t seem any different than what you are complaining about.

    And I know the same goes for me.

    This is funny!!!! It’s actually really funny. We all agree! None of us feel good with negativity even though we are interpreting different things as negative.

    Thank you for the birthday wishes Turquoise <3



  245.  #245Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    #242 LG,

    Hmm, indirectness. My indirectness is not meant to be a catty jab at you. I choose to speak in generalities because I’m not writing specifically about anyone, but rather about what sometimes goes on here.

    I explained this in my post #241.



  246.  #246tinque on June 14, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Another thing I want to add that some of you, Turquoise included, seems to recognize her own processing and her own places she wants to heal all wrapped up in her objections to certain things.

    Maybe T this is your way to riff, not so dissimilar to D’s.

    xxoo



  247.  #247Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    This is interesting to me to notice that I get very triggered by indirectness and what I am learning is to

    ***ask more questions***

    Rather than reacting, I can just ask “is this how you are feeling?”

    and then it becomes a discussion vs an exchange of defensiveness. And I can feel empathy for what the person is experiencing rather than feel attacked.

    This feels very opening.

    My new motto is
    ****ask more questions***



  248.  #248Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    245: Lily T. says:

    #242 LG,

    Hmm, indirectness. My indirectness is not meant to be a catty jab at you. I choose to speak in generalities because I’m not writing specifically about anyone, but rather about what sometimes goes on here.

    I explained this in my post #241.

    Tuesday, 14 June 2011 @ 2:30pm

    I’m seeing that indirectness is a big trigger for me. My mind starts spinning and taking things personally. My NV’s come up with all kinds if stories.

    My new motto (see above) is going to help with this.

    Thanks for talking this out with me.

    How are you feeling now about things between us?



  249.  #249Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    I’m feeling better about things between us LG. 🙂

    I think you’re onto to something with this asking questions approach – perhaps I’ll try it too. (hug)



  250.  #250Lilybelle on June 14, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    230:

    I could use some candy. I’ve all but given up sugar in that manner and that includes my heavy diet of Mt. Dew. I have had less than a half can of Dew in the last 48 hours.

    LOTS of water instead..

    But, I could sure use some of your yummy candy, Turquoise. Yum!



  251.  #251Lilybelle on June 14, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    240:

    Yes Tinque, it certainly does make sense.

    <3 you!

    ~Lilybelly.



  252.  #252Lilybelle on June 14, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    247:

    LG~

    “Ask more questions”.

    LOVE this. You are onto something here. This feels really good to me!

    <3

    ~Lilybelly.



  253.  #253Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Lillybelle: feels good to me too!

    I’m laying off the sugar as well.

    Thinking of making a lemonade with stevia or some raw honey (that’s one sugar that works for me).

    Will you take hugs instead of candy?



  254.  #254Lilybelle on June 14, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    253:

    Absolutely will take hugs!!

    Funny thing is that I am not a candy person typically but it sure sounds good right now. I suppose its because I am getting off the Dew and now I want whatever sugar I can get my hands on! LOL!!

    Thank goodness I have good willpower for food type stuff.



  255.  #255Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    SLV: While I don’t really recongnize any of the names you mentioned, except for Donald Trump and Raider’s, I can completely relate to the thought process and joy you must have felt. Sounds life a fun gemini mental excursion and I can’t think of a better ending than walking away with some books and movies.

    Thanks for the birthday wishes and I’m glad you enjoyed the day too.



  256.  #256Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    I woke up in a super funky mood and I am feeling so much better after being present with my feelings and chatting with all of you.

    I’m judging myself for being on the blog when it is my birthday and it’s beautiful outside.

    But I am having fun and I feel better now. I feel motivated to get productive and have some fun.



  257.  #257Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    @134: Letitshine says:
    “…but I need to know what would a modern siren do?…”

    You’ve probably received lots of responses since I has last on Rori blog but… as a modern “me” here’s what I’d do:

    I’d give him a version of the “no girlfriend” speech. It would probably be a blessing to both to have less pressure. If I still “liked” him and he asked me, I’d continued dating him. But, big but, I’d start dating other guys as well.

    I don’t know exactly what you mean by “picking apart” but that doesn’t seem too good to me by the sound of it. If it meant he wasn’t treating me well, I’d stop seeing him

    xoxo
    SLV



  258.  #258Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    Meant to say I was having fun on the blog and now feel motivated to have some fun in the “real world” too.



  259.  #259Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    254 “getting off the Dew” LOL!

    Sorry, just struck me funny Lilybelle. 🙂



  260.  #260FlowerChild77 on June 14, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    Thank you FW and Torquoise…

    I need to make my ‘grocery list’ and get started eating better (and less!) Since November I’ve been to seven funerals—three family members and one a very, very dear friend exactly a month ago today.

    I started ‘soothing’ myself with food and sugar. I know what I need to do, it’s just hard getting started. Once I cut out the soda and the coffee creamer I’ll be half-way there 😉 It feels awful that it’s summer and I feel so ugly.

    I guess I was really upset to see how fat my face looks in a picture. I have very nice skin and usually don’t think I look that bad when I look in the mirror. I’m upset that it bothers me so much. Ick…

    Today was ‘cancelled’ by xbf. Someone called him about a side job and he wanted to go bid on it. He got the job and went for materials right away. I understand this. Work comes first. I do get it.

    I was very disappointed, of course. I was honest and told him I’d been looking forward to it, but that I understand. We discussed the weather for the rest of the week and will reschedule the gardening and tree planting.

    He’s already called me three times since he got back home to tell me what he’s doing in the yard and ask me about soil and compost mixtures. I ‘feel’ that he misses me. He’s just so very, very stubborn.

    I’m feeling antsy. How long do you think I should wait (or if I should wait) to either write the letter or tell him that this is too hard for me. I know *I* left. He has said a few times to me, “You’re the one that did this.” I can’t even argue with that—it’s the truth.

    I can’t tell if it’s a real “sense of urgency” I’m feeling…or if it’s just plain common sense. It would be so much easier if I just wanted to know, “…if there’s still a chance”–but what I want to know/discuss is pretty ‘heavy’ compared to that….especially coming from the one who moved out.

    I’m just thinking out loud, here. Can anyone point me in the right direction? I’m having a hard time enjoying my house and my life because I feel so torn. I know the correct answer is to stop thinking about him and love my own life right now. I can’t seem to “flip the switch” to make that happen.

    It seems that seeing him and talking to him every day isn’t good for me. It is confusing me and I can’t really seem to put my whole heart into anything.

    I know there’s a process (probably several) in the Abraham book for this and I’ll be going there shortly.

    I know I should be grateful that I’m ‘free’ and independent in case he’s happy the way things are and doesn’t want anything more. I know this in my head…but I feel I’m not appreciating it properly.

    Maybe I just need a slap upside the head!



  261.  #261Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Tinque:

    Thank you so much for the garden vision. My creative wheels are turning.

    Xoxo



  262.  #262Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Happy Birthday LG! By all means, go have some fun girl!



  263.  #263Laughing Goddess on June 14, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    Flowerchild77: maybe it would feel good to listen to some abe vids on YouTube. There are some good ones on this subject. I always find them so inspiring.



  264.  #264Lilybelle on June 14, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    259:

    LOL! It’s kinda funny, isn’t it. It’s like a freaking drug. “Hi, my name is Lilybelle and I am addicted to Dew, among other things…”

    Glad to have brought you a laugh! Let me tell you, this is HARD.

    Preparing for the next thing to get rid of…nasty habit/addiction.



  265.  #265tinque on June 14, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    Flowerchild – I feel concerned about your poor self image right now. I just put up a blog post on exactly this, what you think you see in the mirror and in photos. Maybe reading it will help a bit?

    xxoo



  266.  #266FlowerChild77 on June 14, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Happy Birthday LG…and thank you, That’s a good idea. I’m so “uninspired” that doing a book exercise feels dry and empty. But hearing and seeing—yes, that will help.

    Thank you! 🙂



  267.  #267Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    @163: Dawn says:
    “…For the record Daria has NEVER given one single bit of bad advice or support…. If you were half as enlightened as you think you are you would already know this….”

    If you’ve read all the posts, Daria’s and everyone else’s that’s a lot of posts. Have you read all the posts on this blog! Well, have you?

    If you haven’t read ALL the posts it would be dishonest to offer that anyone, whoever, NEVER gave even a BIT of bad advice or support because there would be no way for you to know.

    I consider my self enlightened. Enlightened enough that I seldom describe anyone as NEVER or even ALWAYS doing anything.

    Note: I’m writing this for the record.

    xoxo
    SLV



  268.  #268Lilybelle on June 14, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    265:

    FlowerChild~ Go read this blog of Tinque’s, please.

    SOOO much truth to it.

    I know that what Tinque sees in me isn’t what I see when I look at me, especially photographs.

    I do wonder if women look at other women differently than men look at women. Obviously we do, we’re wired differently but I always thought women were harder on one another but I am finding that to not be so. My GF’s think I am beautiful and want to kick some mean men behind for me. LOL!

    “With looks like that your good years are behind you.” Hmph!

    What say you, Sirens?



  269.  #269Letitshine on June 14, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    @ senior lady vibe and FW: well this is how it played out- first we were still officially broke up I felt as I left last Saturday because he said he got spooked but 5 minutes later said he cant flip on me and still feel he made the right decision-he won’t just date while I date other guys- he doesn’t think we are a good fit sometimes but honestly, I think he has some issues and keeps comparing me to any old GF or gal he dated, expecting one of my actions to turn into some looming issue- I don’t have any looming “issues” as he calls them (i.,e. past abusive relationship, going to flip out on him etc). Anyway, I am feeling i did the right thing in these 2 responses but I am feeling in my stomach a bit like -what if- what if I should just stay in touch as friends- but I know I cant handle that as I will always wonder- maybe and that is not fair to me.

    My response to his out of the blue text today: “Great. I’ll check it out someday. I don’t like to play games. It feels icky. I’d rather be honest with you. I feel confused. I thought we decided we couldn’t be friends. So why are you contacting me? I feel disrespected when a guy goes back and forth and can no longer put myself in that situation…

    His response: Im sorry. I was confused about what if any communication was appropriate. Certainly, I have the utmost respect for you. Have a nice evening.

    My last and final response: Accepted. You could have just asked. Maybe at some time way in the future. Thank you. U2.

    So- now I’m feeling sad- maybe because I have this nauseated feeling in my stomach knowing its over and maybe feeling like if I said something different he would maybe come back. Then I think –oh- wow- look at that- I got to stop thinking :).. then i feel I did the right thing for myself because It is too hard for me to keep in contact with him and I don’t feel it is fair for him to just be able to text me anytime he wants and “hold” on to me while he is recovering/healing himself. Wow is that harsh or what? Why do I feel like Im being mean? Why do I feel I need confirmation that Im doing the right thing? Whew– Let him feel how it feels to want to text me and not be able to next time- I feel he needs to feel how it feels to really miss me and at the same time this protects myself so I can move on.

    However, I am just dating again after 8 months ago divorce and still learninng so if anyone has any feedback on what my text’s said or my other semi RIFF – i welcome your feedback!!



  270.  #270Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    @171: Femininewoman says:
    “…RE 168 Lol
    SLV you are real funny.,,:

    Thanks, you too. I try to speak my truth, enjoy life and keep a sense of humour if possible…and remember a few things “Sweetie” has said to me.

    xoxo
    SLV



  271.  #271Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    @174: Daria says:
    “…sometimes judgements are in the riff because the kind of riff is a writing out of nvs and they attack others… this is healing to the person doing the riffing…”

    My reading of the blog is that the concept of “riffing” thus defined was brought to Rori by you or someone else and not Rori first teaching it to you or someone else. Is this so? Is it how you remember it? From years ago?

    Whatever, whichever it’s cool. I like a good “riff” myself as “riffs” go but I’m aware that I don’t own the blog, it’s for everyone and one person’s “riff” sweet spot might be another poster’s poison.

    I believe this is especially true when posters are here mainly to have a sense of rapport and sisterhood support. I remember I felt at a loss and upset when I first arrived.

    xoxo
    SLV



  272.  #272Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    @177: Daria

    We luvs you… but don’t make us tie you down… 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  273.  #273Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    @215: Dawn says:
    “…Im out because truthfully this isnt Roris blog anymore . It has another voice . Its not a good place. I think Ill start my own!…”

    Dawn, that’s wonderful. 😀

    I’d visit you unless you want to keep it entirely private. Let us know your URL.

    xoxo
    SLV



  274.  #274Ella on June 14, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Lily T

    Re 241

    For me its about learning to express myself, including he negative feelings when they get triggered by stuff others say, instead of stuffing my feelings.

    Which is a big part of Rori’s work that appeals to me.

    Sometimes I may choose to keep quiet and other times I love practicing speaking up here.

    And I feel triggered when I see posts which feel to me as though they are saying I should keep quiet if I feel negatively about something.

    And anyway feelings are just feelings. Not even really negative or positive, just a big soup.

    I don’t want to feel restricted or that I have to ‘make nice’ on here.

    I feel a bit angry and stifled and for me like ‘huh?’ when I percieve what looks to me like a Siren not practicing the tools in a way that makes sense to me.

    I feel catty and judgemental.

    And I feel a lil guilty and like a bad person for feeling like that.

    And more than anything I want to be authentic.



  275.  #275Rusty on June 14, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    247: Laughing GoddessNo Gravatar says:

    This is interesting to me to notice that I get very triggered by indirectness and what I am learning is to

    ***ask more questions***

    Rather than reacting, I can just ask “is this how you are feeling?”

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    LG

    What if the person doesn’t know how they feel about something? I know that I can get triggered by that question, but now I wonder if it is because I am an ENTJ? See, ENTJ’s are more in touch with their logical thinking side than their emotional feeling side.

    Our professor said that in most cases, you can tell a T from an F very quickly by asking certain questions that will typically get an “It think” or an “I feel.”

    He said that T’s will often say “I think” where “I feel” is appropriate while an F will say “I feel” where an “I think” is appropriate.

    In other words, you ask a question like, “What’s your opinion on the Steelers being favored to win in the Super Bowl?”

    An “F” might respond, “I feel like they have it about right. The Steelers have the best defense.”

    A “T” might answer, “I think the Steelers defense will dominate the game, so yeah, they should be favored.”

    So I wonder if somebody asking me, “What do you think about this?” instead of “How do you feel about this?” might not resonate more with me?

    At the same time, maybe when talking to somebody I am pretty sure is an “F,” I should ask, “How do you feel about this?”

    My wife is an F. I am pretty sure I always ask questions like, “What do you think about going to the beach this weekend?” Maybe I should change it to a “How do you feel” question and see if this makes a difference on how well we communicate?



  276.  #276Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    @225: turquoise3 says:
    “… I think I know me pretty well. I’m not here trying to find myself. I’m always looking to grow though…”

    Hello, there. That’s why I’m here too. I’m always growing and learning new things although I didn’t arrive here inexperienced and unformed. This isn’t the only blog or forum I visit and I have other personal projects as well, for information and other purposes.

    I believe people arrive here at different stages and those change too, over time. As a colleague (Richard Brandson)… of my colleague put it… our purpose is to inform, entertain and encourage. I hope to do that.

    xoxo
    SLV



  277.  #277Lilybelle on June 14, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    276:

    “…our purpose is to inform, entertain and encourage. I hope to do that.

    SLV~ You have that covered!

    ~Lilybelly.



  278.  #278Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    @232: turquoise3 says:
    “…I’m making personal sacrifices for some things I’d want now, because I wanted children more. They are worth every sacrifice I’ll ever make, and they’ll be gone before I know it. I’ll have a lot of years left for more travel and adventure, a more challenging career.. romantic rendavous (sp?) down the road…”

    Yes, those years fly so enjoy them. You’ll still be you when your nest is empty. And your children, though grown up, will still be coming around…

    xoxo
    SLV



  279.  #279Ella on June 14, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Lily T

    Re 222 (I think)

    I feel confused.

    Are you saying I am an example of riffing how it is supposed to be or riffing with hidden blame and attacks?



  280.  #280Lily T. on June 14, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Ella, I think you are a GREAT example of riffing because yours is about yourself, your feelings about what’s going on in your own life. Not something reactionary to what someone else wrote on the blog. In other words, it’s clear that it’s about you. 🙂



  281.  #281Ella on June 14, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    I felt SUPER OUTRAGED reading judgments about Daria and whether she is a good coach or not.

    For me Daria is an excellent coach and has helped me view things from a different perspective and shift and heal my energy many times.

    I feel judgemental of Sirens who I perceive as not understanding what Daria is doing when she is expressing, exploring and riffing.

    And I feel angry when I see what looks to me like people who only want to scratch the surface of things make comments and judgements about those who are willing to be open and fearless and search deeper.

    And express, even when that expressing is uncomfortable and may include ‘negative’ emotions.

    I feel drained by what feels like negative energy to me, hidden behind a facade of ‘positiveness’ and niceness and judgements about how facing these more difficult emotions is ‘negative’ or somehow draining or rude.

    I believe it is brave and corageous.

    I feel sick of pretend ‘niceness’ around men, and on here, when what I can feel is anger and resentment coming through.

    I feel confused when I see judgements and anger next to smily faces.

    I feel defensive or Daria.

    And I feel more trusting of Daria than most people on the blog because she shows herself, the good, the bad and the ugly. And any other labels you can think of. She just is.

    And for me she is a great coach because she is willing to be this way.

    For me this means a lot more than any qualifications.

    When I first came to the blog I felt confused and angry and very judgemental of Daria because I did not understand what she was doing at all.

    At times sometimes when I read some stuff posted by Daria I can feel confused, disconnected and/or judgemental.

    These days instead of jumping to conlusions I watch her process. And usually at some point I will begin to find myself relating to something she has said, or at least I can feel her truth in what she writes.

    This makes me feel respect for Daria.

    I feel ENRAGED when I see Sirens shot down in flames for being open, honest and practicing the tools.

    I feel low energy and cross when I percive that people are trying to make the blog into a place of debate and pleasantaries…

    That feels Urghhh to me.

    And I feel sad that I still get to triggered by others who are different to me, and I want to find a way that we can all co-exist together, whilst still being true to the RR tools and concepts.

    PS – Daria, I didn’t mean to write about you as though you are not here… I just feel really defensive of you atm…



  282.  #282DE on June 14, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    What shuts my off from wanting to hear someone is this:

    Statements made about someone else…such as what “he/she’s thinking or might be thinking (assumptions);
    what he/she’s doing to ME (poor me, victim attitude, blaming)…”
    perceptions of others…unless acknowledged as judgment/trigger…own judgment…thus taking responsibility for it…

    When I hear the above, everything translates in my mind as “Meow, meow, meow…” and I am thinking “send these b*tches to a boot camp…or a reality TV show in a 3rd world country…”

    However, I feel interested and curious to hear u…your thoughts and feelings about u (e.g., fear, anger, happiness, sadness…), u situation in relationship to someone else…u self-processing and growth…how u are affected by it…I want to hear what u want ( e.g., u dreams, aspirations)…I want to hear what you don’t want, etc…

    Peace…



  283.  #283Rusty on June 14, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    Ella, did you get to talk to Step Up Guy or anyone else about what we talked about?



  284.  #284Ella on June 14, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    Lily T re 280,

    Aww thanks for the compliment.

    🙂

    I feel pleased and proud of myself.

    And I feel some of my ‘triggereness’ from the suff happening higher up on the blog (not specicifically you Lily T… just generally) melting away.

    It feels nice when that happens.

    Feels interesting to notice how anger can melt away so easily, and this can happen with a man too.

    And sometimes I can melt a man 😉

    Still feel a bit triggered about percieved attacks on Daria though (not specifically any one Siren just in general).

    Sigh.

    This shaking up is just what it is I suppose.

    Just part and parcel of the process and life.

    Sometimes it feels tiring.

    And sometimes healing.

    And surely better than no shaking up?

    Well the waters of the pond of the blog are maybe kinda stirred up right now… and muddy.

    And I love muddiness.

    Ummm, bask like a pig in mud.

    Lol.

    Muddy, stormy waters.



  285.  #285Rusty on June 14, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    Everybody must have me on ignore today. LOL OK, I can take a hint. 😉



  286.  #286Ella on June 14, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    Rusty,

    No not yet as I have not had the opportunity.

    Although I intend to.

    I am in touch with how I feel about it all now and what my boundaries are and I plan to be open and honest and speak up about this.

    I am seeing step up guy later this week and no doubt this will come up then.

    Its been a funny week in terms of me getting to express myself to guys…

    Its like I have worked out where I am at finally and feel ready to share it and suddenly no one is around for me to express to!

    Lol, maybe the lesson from the Universe this week is patience and timing.

    Its all good. It is there ready for me to practice when the time comes.

    Thanks for working with me on this.

    xoxoxo



  287.  #287Ella on June 14, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    I still feel a lil afraid of what the men’s reactions might be, and I am going to express anyway.

    For me this is the way forward. it feels like my true path.

    I feel the fear getting less and less each time I express my truth.



  288.  #288Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Steffi Graf was ranked World No. 1 by the Women’s Tennis Association (WTA) for a record 377 total weeks—the longest period for which any player, male or female, has held the number one ranking since the WTA and the Association of Tennis Professionals began issuing rankings.

    Graf retired in 1999 while she was ranked World No. 3. She married former World No. 1 men’s tennis player Andre Agassi in October 2001 and they have two children, Jaden Gil and Jaz Elle.

    xoxo
    SLV



  289.  #289Ella on June 14, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    Dawn,

    Awww, don’t o

    🙁



  290.  #290Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Stefanie Maria Graf (born 14 June 1969, in Mannheim, Baden-Württemberg, West Germany) is a former World No. 1 German female tennis player.



  291.  #291DE on June 14, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Daria:

    I feel deeply saddened by the amount of judgements and attacks on you recently…

    I wanted to say something to defend you last nite…yet, I felt hesitant…because of some mixed emotions within me…

    I noticed ab myself that I really need to “own” what I say…or otherwise, I loose my own credibility…

    My emotions were mixed because of a couple recent dialogues between us…where I felt ignored…and shut off…

    Yet, I take responsibility for not following through and expressing to you how I felt at the time…

    The most recent one was about last week…where you shared once more u own story ab one of u dates…thus placing yourself in a very vulnerable state to be judged…

    The following day, I expressed to you I felt angry and scared hearing you placing yourself in these kind of situations…at which, u expressed being “invisible”…and stopped answering to my request for an explanation as to why you felt that way…

    I thought about the incident…and realized, there were self-projections onto u situation…

    Sometimes, when I read u riffs…I tell myself “Gosh, she seems like on a mission to heal the entire thug community…” and now, reflecting upon it…I did do something similar …it may not have been the “thug” community…but still a community of men who I took upon myself to heal…the ignorance and prejudice my “own” white/cultural community placed upon them…

    Thus, I allowed things in my life that were absolutely not in my favor…just to prove to myself and I was different and I can heal the gap between cultures…:(

    Big warm hugs and lots of hope we can heal together …



  292.  #292Ella on June 14, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    ‘Go’ I mean, don’t go!

    Unless it really feels right for you to do that atm…

    xoxox



  293.  #293Ella on June 14, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    LG,

    I am feeling connected and respectful of your voice on here often times recently.

    I love the gentle, loving feeling to your posts.

    I feel like that about Tinque’s posts too.

    xoxoxo



  294.  #294Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    @260: FlowerChild77

    In an earlier post I typed I was Ms. Cub and Sag. That was a typo; it should have read “Ms. Chub and Sag.” Perhaps I’m a “cub” too…

    xoxo
    SLV



  295.  #295Ladybug on June 14, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    The-Diva, I am currently trying to separate a 5 month business and pleasure relationship back to just business and it is turning into a very stressful nightmare. He is holding the product hostage and only allowing me to have more when I am down to the wire. He is the only one locally who can provide it and I am dependent on him until July.

    I’d been leaning back, stepping back and he was stepping forward, wrapping his arms around me and loving all over me. Of course I liked it! I didn’t want to get stuck on the guy. We only saw each other once a week and I an CDing. I liked getting pinned against the chip display in the grocery store too!

    I finished up a home project which would allow me to stockpile and have a little more independence from him. Boy! That set off the total power play and push/pull behaviors!

    I hope you fare much better with yours.



  296.  #296Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    RE 256 LG I am happy you were here today. I felt really good reading some of your comments. For the most part you helped me today.



  297.  #297Ella on June 14, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    I feel sad and judgmental when I read other Siren’s posts which seem to me to be about judging men, or the situation we get ourselves into.

    Sometimes I feel afraid to be open about situations I have got into, or some of the men I relate to in my life, and I feel a temptation to ‘edit’ what I write.

    And I don’t.

    Because I want to be real, and explore these situations, and become more open.

    And what I have come to realise is that judging is unecesarry.

    Some Sirens say it is to protect us from ‘bad’ or toxic men. And yet it is still unnecessary.

    ALL we need is to see how we feel around men. That is all. No judgement about him needed.

    If he is toxic for us he will make us feel bad in some way or on some level.

    And even then there may be healing to be had so who am I to say to a Siren that she should stay away from that situation or man?

    I might be better to ask her (or me) how she (or I) felt in that situation or with that man.

    Or whether she (and he) were respecting her boundaries.

    Every day I am thinking to myself more and more… that Rori Raye is one clever woman!

    And I feel like ‘wow’ in awe…

    Its all here, all that we need.

    I want to totally let go of judgements (so much trickier to actually do such a thing). Situations just are what they are.

    We are all learning.

    Who am I to know what is righ for another.

    And you know what, we can even protect ourselves against the most toxic of men if we use the tools and trust ourselves.

    Oh, it all makes so much sense!

    xoxoxox



  298.  #298Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    Tinque thanks for your comments. I don’t know I just like the way you “are” on here and I have great respect as a result. Maybe it is an unspoken desire to be as serene as you come across. It feels peaceful all the time.



  299.  #299DE on June 14, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    Ella #297:

    Are u referring to my recent post?

    warm hugs,



  300.  #300Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    @269: Letitshine:

    Hugs. You said what was in your heart. Continue thinking of yourself. Date. And it would not be unusual if he contacts you again in a few months.

    If he was “testing” you with some of his conversation and behaviour, IMHO I would not like that for myself; I’d like a more open way of communicating.

    xoxo
    SLV



  301.  #301Ella on June 14, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    I feel v sleepy.

    Almost time for snuggles and sleep.

    And my book, The Time Traveller’s wife.

    Yum.



  302.  #302Senior Lady Vibe on June 14, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    @LG

    i finally got down through all the posts through several visits. I lost a post to you and wished to say I hope you were not bored with names on birthday greeting. They are kind of interesting. If you get bored at home, check them out. I’m going to ‘revisit’ and explore a few.

    SLV



  303.  #303Ella on June 14, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    DE,

    No, not really.

    Just jumping off what you said…

    Its more to do with me really, and how I sometimes worry about posting on here about my scenarios, and how sometimes in the past Sirens have reacted.

    And I have noticed judgment in the reply posts I have got. About both the men and the situations.

    And I am not saying this is either good or bad.

    But often times what they are saying has really helped me.

    So I guess it is still an unresolved conflict in me… the judgemental part that is trying to protect me, and the other freer part that wishes to totally let go of judgements and conforming and become a free spirit.

    DE I love the authenticity I feel from your posts, and how you are so honest and willing to shine the spotlight into your dark areas.

    I feel strength and courage from your posts and I want to tell you (in my masc voice now) to keep doing what you are doing.

    Hugs.

    xoxox



  304.  #304luzydel on June 14, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    I feel so overwhelmed! I am going through some rough things right now and thinking about romance, dating and relationships is so difficult. I need to take care of me and my son first. Dating is like the cherry on the top right now.

    I need to breath, I need to feel better. Please God, universe or whatever is out there, give me a chance to make things better, give me the tools to fix those things that can be fix, and the strengh to live with those I cannot.



  305.  #305DE on June 14, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Thank u Ella 🙂

    It feels really good to hear that 🙂

    I noticed about myself that I really need to spell out the “devils” name…in order to heal from/of him…which in this case are judgements of others and myself…that is…

    very healing indeed 🙂

    I feel happy to support one another 🙂

    Big warm hugs,



  306.  #306Violet on June 14, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    Hello, Sirs and Sirens!

    Reading Rori’s blog, comments, and comments from others has proved to be quite educational given my major in college was Behavioral Science.

    I enjoy reading comments and gaining better understanding of individual behaviors, commonalities, complexities, conflicts, resolutions, etc…

    I read specific names being mentioned in a negative light. There’s an adage that goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all”.

    It can be disheartening to come into a blog meant for positivity and read comments that seem to go against the intention of these blogs.

    It is my understanding that these blogs are meant to provide enlightenment, healing, instruction, etc…

    With every privelege comes responsibility. I would feel a great loss should this privelege get removed.

    Now for the biq question. Are ‘you’ (meaning anyone) willing to accept the consequences of your actions? Such a simple question to ask. Such a difficult one to answer in heated debates.

    It is my sincere hope that anything I type would not be taken as a personal affront. That is not my intention, nor will it ever be.

    ~ Violet ~



  307.  #307LD on June 14, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    Ok, I haven’t been able to post in awhile due to computer issues and hopefully will be able to get this one through before it messes up again. I wanted to post an update on the positive experience I have had with letting go of the outcome of things lately.

    A few years ago, I wrote a lengthy list of all of the things I wanted relationship and career wise etc. Things started happening like I asked for, but something was always missing or just not quite right. I was meeting men who were everything I asked for on my list, but just not making me happy or stepping up or seemed perfect but ended up poofing.

    I got the job I wanted, but didn’t feel fulfilled with it. Finally I just set my intention about 4 months ago to have the highest and best happiness for me and my children-in whatever form that may come in. No specifics, just that. Then I just let it go.

    All of a sudden my life started turning upside down. D and I got together after he basically starting pursuing me hard even though he was on my back burner interest wise as a CD due to distance. He got transferred to my area unexpectedly and we became exclusive soon after.

    Then my job started taking a turn for the worst. Despite my happiness with D, I was miserable in other areas of my life. I was starting to regret asking for so much change because it didn’t seem to be working out in my favor. My job was getting so bad I dreaded going to work every day. I was having anxiety attacks and couldn’t sleep at night.

    One day my parents, children and I decided to go somewhere new for brunch after church and ran into the manager there, who coincidentally normally took Sundays off but was covering for someone who was on vacation. I told her where I worked and she said she was looking for someone in a similar capacity there and asked if I was interested. I called her the following week and told her that I didn’t feel like the hours she needed would work for me. She said she understood and wished me luck.

    Again I set my intention to have a job or “situation” that would enable me to provide well for my children, be able to spend more quality time with them and offer me personal fulfillment. I gave no specifics, just in whatever form that would come in. A few days later, she called me and said she had talked it over with the GM of a sister property and that they had a unique proposition for me. They wanted to offer me a position bridging the 2 properties as an assistant to both of them. The money was slightly better than what I was making at my old job, but the hours were so much better it made up for the marginal income increase! I accepted even though I wished the financial end could’ve been a little better since my kids are teens now and eat an unbelievable amount of food.

    I’m now going to be able to be home with them nearly every night and weekends too with only having to work 2 weekend nights a month!! In my old job it would’ve been the exact opposite-only 2 weekend nights a month to spend with them and all night and weekend work for the rest.

    I started the job a week ago after taking some much needed R&R time off with D, and I absolutely LOVE it!! Everyone is sooo amazing! The hours are incredible and the place is gorgeous!!

    But here is the kicker: Our food vendors are constantly bringing us extra food to take home to our families as a thank you for doing business with them and to get us to try new products out. In the past week I have been given so much food I haven’t even had to go to the grocery store! I find it so amazing that the one concern I had with taking a new job with only a slight pay increase was about being able to make enough to cover the extra expense of feeding my kids now that they are eating so much more, and when I let go of the outcome it came to me in a very different way than I expected, but it still came. I didn’t get as much more money as I wanted, but I got more than enough (really high quality and good) food to feed my kids very, very well! If I added up what it would cost to purchase those same items in the grocery store, then I’m basically earning a couple hundred dollars more a week than what actualy goes on my paycheck. What an unexpected and wonderful surprise!

    I hope everyone is doing well. I’m going to try to catch up on all of the posts soon, but I wanted to share some positive results from working the tools and believing in them…

    HUGS to everyone, I miss all of you beautiful sirens!!



  308.  #308LD on June 14, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Oh, yeah and the new job is so much closer to my house that my gas bill has been cut in half too, so another unexpected boost to my bank account!!



  309.  #309DE on June 14, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    Violet:

    Well, welcome to the blog and thank you for sharing your insights 🙂

    Someone once told me…don’t ask a question unless u are willing to answer it yourself…

    So, u asked “Are ‘you’ (meaning anyone) willing to accept the consequences of your actions? Such a simple question to ask. Such a difficult one to answer in heated debates. ” – Are you willing to accept the consequences of your actions in a heated debate? 🙂 and if so, how would you do it?

    Warm hugs,



  310.  #310tinque on June 14, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    What amazing news LD. YAY!!! Ask and you shall receive in living color.

    xxoo



  311.  #311DE on June 14, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    LD:

    Wow, that’s awesome manifestation 🙂 Sooo happy for you 🙂 Thank you for sharing good news!

    Warm hugs,



  312.  #312tinque on June 14, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    Thank you Femininewoman for your very kind words. I feel moved. Funny because I have spent much of my life imagining this for myself, wanting to be this way, and seeing your words has made me realize that I have manifested this. I really am calm and serene most of the time. Unless my computer is being boogery. Or I’m orgasming my heart out. lol

    xxoo



  313.  #313LD on June 14, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    I first had to accept that maybe, just maybe I didn’t know what was best for me and would make me happy. When I just asked for happiness and stopped trying to dictate what form it should come in, THAT’S when good things started happening…



  314.  #314Lucy on June 14, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Turquoise, my Aussie seems to be primarily for entertainment, practice, and diffusing the intensity I feel around a particular man who lives in the U.S. 🙂



  315.  #315LD on June 14, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    Tinque,

    I see you the same way. Calm, serene and so very goddesslike…



  316.  #316Lucy on June 14, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    LG, to answer your question: I expressed that to you bc I felt concerned and heartachey reading the judgments about other people. Thank you for asking.



  317.  #317Dawn on June 14, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    I came back here eager to share my experience .
    To learn among intelligent females
    Its not my fault I get a bad vibe
    I am not prejudice to compassion
    I do not believe alot of what I hear lately because
    I know where it comes from
    it comes from a dark place
    coated with sugar
    does it sound better ?
    Is it believable?
    Its pure manipulation
    It feels needy and wrong
    I feel my boundries being pushed
    I dont defend my truth
    I live it
    to be better
    to be me



  318.  #318Letitshine on June 14, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    @ 297- well said about judgemental- I notice it is hard sometimes for me not to be judgemental (not on this blog- but in certain life situations) and I usually catch myself and try to ask myself- what is behind this need and why? Well after today’s experience with recent break up with a guy I felt was very judgemental of me, I am even more curious- I feel like he is judgemental perhaps like you said- to protect himself- I thought- I know- okay- let me rephrase- I felt if I could just listen and if he could just forgive himself and his ex, then he could heal- but I can’t heal him- he has to do the work.

    @300 Senior Lady Vibe– thank you for the encouragement! I am still feeling a bit bad (seems harsh or accusatory??- ) about stating I felt disrespected but that is truly how I felt- I am sure he may not have intended to have me feel that way-I am not sure why I am having trouble letting that go-I mean when someone is wishy washy, then tells you they got spooked, sleeps with you (I know- I didn’t have to but long story- I felt he wouldn’t have tried based on earlier conversations) then to me that is disrespectful of my feelings, however, if he truly is confused, I guess how can that be disrespectul? maybe I should have put I know he didn’t intend to make me feel that way- or maybe he did. You are right about him “testing” me- he has done that before (again from past relationship baggage) oh well- that is not my fault- I am not those other girls and I feel it unfair and again disrespectul that I am compared to them and assuming that I will be like them- wow- give me a chance- he really has some more healing to do clearly and as I am realizing- I do too- however, i feel good that I am trying and making progress. Okay, now that it is out and I see it on paper, I feel better and more able to forgive myself-I am learning, right. I am taking a very small break from dating to focus on me and then I will definitely get back as I know my happy ever after is out there and until then, I will try to keep focusing on me.



  319.  #319DE on June 14, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    Letitshine:

    That right…there is a saying…”if u didn’t break it…u can’t fix it!!”….i feel happy u know that it’s not u job 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  320.  #320FlowerChild77 on June 14, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    luzydel, (((hugs))) I will be thinking of you and your son and hoping things will get better for you both.

    LD, that is fantastic. I’m trying to do the same (let go of the outcome–let go of what it will ‘look like’ when my desires show up) so this is really inspiring to read.

    LG thank you for your suggestion about youtube (when I wasn’t feeling much into doing a vibe increasing exercise from the book.) I watched several that were exactly what I needed. I’ve done three loads of laundry, a week’s worth of dishes, watered the outside containers and took care of all my recycling stuff. 🙂 It worked!

    I felt a little confusion when she was talking about “the bounce”—-referring to reaching for the better-feeling-thought because what we focus on becomes more—-I was thinking of how very much Rori’s ‘sinking into’ our feelings tool has been helping me with feelings I’ve always stuffed down and never examined, etc.

    I guess one is to help keep ourselves aligned with what we really want and the other is to heal the deep hurts that hold us back.

    #265&268 Thank you Tinque and Lilybelle. I’m going to read the article right now. This is such good timing, as feeling like this makes everything else feel so much worse.



  321.  #321Daria on June 14, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    OMG DE you are a genius!!!

    🙂 :L)

    healing the thug community! that is exactly what i want to do!

    haha it feels like my life purpose

    omg i feel so embarassed to write that

    but that is the truth about me

    I LOVE THAT!

    I THINK ITS MY LIFE PURPOSE!!

    YESY YES

    AND HEAL THE WORLD

    BY ME DOING THAT

    yes yes yes!

    thats why i was thinking about making a non-profit doing something like that – like giving people i know when theyre released from prison an apartment and a car and a license

    that would be tight for all my brothers

    yes this is my dream!

    i know you meant it in a judgemental of yourself (i was a reflection of that maybe) way… but

    i DO want to heal the world!

    really and yes, i care sooo much about this community

    this is one of my passions!

    But thats not what i was trying to do by having sex with my lover of 10 years

    i wasnt engaged in thug healing at the time, just my own

    but im sure he benefits from that

    ok

    Healing the thug community…

    the thug in all of us

    is my purpose in life,

    and ive been looking for it

    and now i see it!

    because of you!

    yay!

    and now i can declare it, and make it ok, and make it honorable

    and love me

    no matter what

    because i see it

    i claim me

    it is me! yay

    it is my choice

    this IS what i like, this is what im here for

    im here becuase i am a thug, i related to thugs

    i am like a princess jasmine and alladin and i believe in love for theives and i want the world where there is peace and freedom and celebration and no need for thieveing or turning against

    the world of abundance

    i am a winner

    i see the truth

    i am in excstacy right now

    i FEEL in exstacy
    1

    woo hooo

    oh DE i feel afraid im scaring you but its ok really
    this is my truth!

    and i dont care if its unconventional

    who cares!

    yay!

    why wouldnt i want to heal my life the life as i relate to

    omgosh i can DO THIS

    i can DO THIS

    omg

    thank you so much for pointing that out

    no one has to understand

    but it sure would feel nice to not feel so dang defensive

    grrrh

    grumble

    blaming them Daria

    mph

    creating htem myself

    good vibes

    peace on EARTH

    i live PEACE ON EARTH

    i LIVE PEACE ON EARTH MY MY MY

    I LIVE PEACE ON EARTH I LIVE PEACE ON EARTH

    I OWN NOTHING BUT TRUTH

    I OWN NOTHING BUT TRUTH

    I LIVE PEACE ON EARTH

    I LIVE PEACE ON EARTH

    I LIVE PEACE ON EARTH MY MY MY

    I AM HEAVEN

    I AM HEAVEN

    I AM PEACE ON EARTH

    BLESSED

    BLESS

    BLESSED BLESS BLESS

    I AM HEAVEN

    or doing ghetto people life coaching



  322.  #322DE on June 14, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    Daria:

    Dahling…i get u in more ways then u think 🙂

    Maybe that might feel scary to u? as in unfamilliar???

    Yes, I embrace u healing purpose!!! I got u back girl 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  323.  #323Daria on June 14, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    Dear Daria that is not a good life purpose.

    But it is my life purpose.

    I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY

    ~~pattern~~



  324.  #324Ella on June 14, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    I am feeling so tired and just couldn’t sleep cus I am in the house on my own and I felt afraid.

    I couldn’t settle down so I made a sandwich (which I didn’t really need) and than ate half a can of spam!

    Random.

    Feel slightly better now.

    But still not ready to sleep.

    And my sleeping time is ticking away.

    I feel glad that I do not have to be in the house on my own for much longer. I feel glad that housemate dude is coming home soon.

    And tomorrow night I might stay at my Mum’s.

    Overall I think I have done well overall staying at the house alone.

    And I feel generally proud/good about this.

    Although a lil annoyed that I still resort to late night sandwiches and spam sometimes.

    Sigh… but its a big improvement on when I was trying to do this in the city.



  325.  #325Dawn on June 14, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    Lifes too short
    to worry about the other guy
    energy is precious
    time waits for no one
    love lives in an open heart
    for those who love themselves
    and know they are enough
    I wont assume how anyone feels
    I wont deny thier right to feel it
    It feels sad to me
    It feels wrong
    I dont want you to agree
    I dont need you to agree
    I know from where I come
    It has made me who I am today



  326.  #326Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    LD thanks for sharing that it was an awesome read. It gives hope to others who are still believing for their change to come. I myself have gotten some manifestation this past week that was mind blowing. It was related to finances and I am looking forward to more. I believe it is the mindset change that I have been able to create since coming here and what I believe I am worthy of. I got a check in the mail totally unexpected from the insurance company and my daughter’s school increased her scholarship so that is now the two thirds that I used to pay and I have to now find one third, which was the original scholarship. It’s amazing what enlightenment can do.



  327.  #327Lucy on June 14, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    227 Flowerchild, I felt moved reading that. I missed the comment where “a blog for beginners” was mentioned, and don’t know who said that… but the interesting thing to me is that I think there might be varying opinions on which sirens are the “beginners.” I was just thinking about that earlier – that those who have been here the longest are not necessarily any more “advanced” than newer bloggers. And there is room for all. I personally do not feel bored by the beauty I see in each life here. <3



  328.  #328Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    Tinque I hope to get to that place in my own life.



  329.  #329Daria on June 14, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    DE ok but it felt bad to hear that because im kickin it with my man im tryin to heal him

    i didnt feel got. i felt judged.

    i feel all stonefaced

    me im so deep like a road crack in the black

    lava crava

    superlover

    i have sex and tatoo my eneryg all over your puberty bones

    hones all capones metrodomes

    feeling angry feeling judged

    dont you dare tell me im livng dangerous

    i feel mad

    i am wise as the clouds i live in

    superbird gaia te mananca

    mai sus de pe stanca eu sunt

    pasare de prada

    black gaia bird of suspension

    creation procreation

    crustaceans

    crystal

    cristobal

    carisma

    sulphuric rappers eat stalkers for breakfast

    &&&&&&&&&&&&7

    &&&&&&&&&&&&

    hehe that was fun

    lovw you too but i felt insulted

    and i dont know how to put that in feeling words

    i feel frustrated

    i dont want people to be ~worried~ about me

    wtf

    i am a highly intelligent sovereign wisdom being

    i am a queen

    i will nto be criticized

    i am marble

    mph

    anger

    stab in heart

    clearest part i havent shown
    to the world since world was born

    and i was a gnome



  330.  #330DE on June 14, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    Daria #329:

    Thank u 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  331.  #331Femininewoman on June 14, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    RE 306 Wise words Violet, really wise



  332.  #332DE on June 14, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    Daria #330:

    Foarte frumos 🙂 Ma inspiri 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  333.  #333Daria on June 14, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    ive actually been th inking that no one is more advanced than anyone else ever at all

    and so whats the pointo f doing work of transformation

    there isnt

    only if it feels good

    as for me, i can be very arrogant and sure of myself

    and brag too

    and be big about myself

    yah yah yah

    i can do that its great too

    i dont judge myself for it

    because i know im highly intelligent

    a genius and stuff

    ive always known that

    and i dont think im more advanced than anyone else

    in anything

    im not shy about my own capabilities either

    i know that i know what i know and i stand behind me

    and my resoning

    is absolute

    my iq paints the room and sky high to the bend of the plane of the planet

    ** i make people want to compete with me

    ?I am the challenger!!

    i challenge

    mmm

    lil’ competitive

    i will WIN

    yah!

    hmft

    i love GAMES!

    i love joy and play

    good bye

    store time!



  334.  #334Violet on June 14, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Hello, Sirs and Sirens

    ‘W.E.’ and I have been together for around two months. I’ll tell you straight up what bothers me.

    W.E. was working in a Temp. to hire position through an Employment Agency. He quit that position with reasons I felt were unsubtantiated and has been unemployed since then.

    I find it commendable that he is motivated to work the flea market with items he purchases, repairs, then re-sells.

    Okay… here’s the deal. W.E. is not in a financial position to pay my way at times. I did this for myself and sometimes for him as well. I didn’t like doing this. I have decided not to pay his way any longer.

    I mentioned an upcoming singles dance that I would like to attend. He said he wouldn’t be able to attend for financial reasons. Then, I asked him his thoughts about going on my own.

    He said that he would be uncomfortable with me going to a singles dance or any singles event on my own since we are ‘a couple’. He said I could go if I wanted, however, it would mean we were no longer a couple.

    I feel like I’m stuck in a Catch-22. I LOVE dancing. I want to go dancing and am financially capable of paying my way.

    I’m probably being selfish when I type this. At least I’m being honest about how I feel.

    My understanding is as long as he can’t afford to pay his way, we won’t be doing anything he can’t afford to do. I sure as heck won’t pay his way.

    I feel like I’m typing up reasons not to be in a relationship with him. Dancing is the ONE thing I absolutely LOVE to do.

    My understanding is that I won’t be able to do what I LOVE to do unless we can do it together.

    I feel like I’m being selfish, should step up to the plate in doing things only he can afford to pay for.

    He’s established a pattern of not having a permanent, long term job. He lives with his mother, pays rent, and makes payment on an additional vehicle. I had paid my own way at times, offered to pay his way, and now have stopped.

    I can’t stand feeling the way I do, yet I feel like I’m being childish.

    Please advise, comment, question, etc…

    ~ Violet ~



  335.  #335Daria on June 14, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    ok so if i were bungee jumping and someone said

    i feel worried about you! i feel scared

    i would be like, ok. i can dig it

    i want to feel trusted that i can take care of myself!!

    (obviously family triggers here)

    and its also like, i felt invisible about cuz i didnt feel like i was trying to heal him

    and hearing that i felt taken aback

    wow it feels like shaky to *look* at this

    ive never felt safe to do this kinda looking at this pattern before

    and then i didnt answer

    i freeze up when i feel angry and scared

    with soemone i love

    wow

    here i am

    i dont want to feel frozen

    i want to communicate whats going on for me



  336.  #336Daria on June 14, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    Violet – what i saw all over the page ~ selfish

    you are worried about being selfish – you are NOT!

    you are not and NEVER COULD BE selfish!

    and thats the truth

    and you are willing to sacrifice everything for it, even your own boundaries

    treat yourself a lil nicer

    change your self talk

    EMBRACE, verbally embrace the part of you that is worried abuot beign selfish

    THANK YOU! i hear you, and i embrace you. and im going to go on feeling good, and i am in charge, we are safe, and thank you so much, i wont abandon you. i embrace you!

    as you shift your self talk you will shift the outside experience of other people, including this man, being selfish with you



  337.  #337Daria on June 14, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    AS FAR AS DANCING … go by yourself! and FLIRT!

    practice all the tools!

    even married you can go to dance classes



  338.  #338Lucy on June 14, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    Ella, I love what you wrote about judgment being completely unnecessary. This is one of the key breakthroughs I have had in the past couple years too. I love and respect Rori’s desire for this blog to be judgment-free as well.



  339.  #339Violet on June 14, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    Re @309: DE says:

    Violet:

    Well, welcome to the blog and thank you for sharing your insights

    Someone once told me…don’t ask a question unless u are willing to answer it yourself…

    So, u asked “Are ‘you’ (meaning anyone) willing to accept the consequences of your actions? Such a simple question to ask. Such a difficult one to answer in heated debates. ” – Are you willing to accept the consequences of your actions in a heated debate? and if so, how would you do it?

    Warm hugs,

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    DE,

    I’d have to accept the consequences of my actions whatever the case would be.

    The consequences could be rewards or they could be disciplinary actions.

    It would all depend on the circumstances of the situation as to how I’d respond. That is not determined by ‘what if’ because of a multitude of variables. It is determined by ‘what is’ and would be determined at that time.

    I realize my answer is ambiguous. It is the best and most honest answer I will provide given the unlimited number of scenarios ‘what if’ can cover.

    ~ Violet ~



  340.  #340FlowerChild77 on June 14, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    Violet, I’m not seeing where you are selfish. I think the dance is just a symptom, what the real issue would be (for me) is knowing he is ok with living like this and that it’s probably not going to change. You’re not wanting to ‘sign up for’ paying for everything from now on. And you love yourself enough to say, “No more.” That’s all I get from your post–nothing selfish at all.



  341.  #341FlowerChild77 on June 14, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    Oh….and not childish, either. It would feel bad to have a man expect me to ‘downgrade’ my life/lifestyle because he cannot afford it.



  342.  #342LD on June 14, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    FW,

    That’s awesome about your daughter’s scholarship! I agree with you, it’s about changing your mindset and believing you deserve it and opening your mind to the possibility of getting what you want.

    And being open to the possibility of being surprised in a way you wouldn’t normally think could happen…



  343.  #343LD on June 14, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    Violet,

    I agree with Flowerchild77, he shouldn’t expect you to pay for him or give up the things you like to do because he can’t afford it. He should either find a way to provide for you or be OK with you doing things for yourself that he can’t afford to do for you…



  344.  #344FlowerChild77 on June 14, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    Does anyone have the link for the ‘Scripts for Love’ program Rori introduced recently?

    Is this a different program from the “You Get Love 6-Week TeleClass”?



  345.  #345LD on June 14, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    Daria,

    I feel excited for you that you are hearing your calling coming to you!!!



  346.  #346Violet on June 14, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    Thank you for the comments.

    I appreciate your willingness to share your honesty, your heart and your soul.

    With support such as this, I’m sure we will all find the true nature of our heart’s desire. We deserve the best that life has to offer.

    ~ Violet ~



  347.  #347Marquin on June 14, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    #67: FlowerChild77

    Thank you so much for the advice. I struggle often with staying out of my head.



  348.  #348Lucy on June 14, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Violet, if it were me, in a “couple relationship,” I would go to dances that were not specifically “singles dances.” I would be able to honor his boundary around this while still doing what I love. Win-win. What do you think of this solution? <3



  349.  #349RiverGirl on June 14, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    Hi everyone, I’ve not been following along very closely lately. Hope everyone is feeling safe and happy or working towards that at least 😉

    Very new CD seems sweet, we have spoken on the phone twice now. He is easy to talk with and is pushing to meet soon. We are planning to get together in a couple of weeks.

    He is saying and doing all the right things and I’m just going with the flow. Our first conversation was lovely. I felt very relaxed and totally in the moment with him. He sent a lovely text the next day about how much he enjoyed chatting.
    I didn’t think much more about things and felt delighted to get another text on the weekend, asking when would be a good time to talk (the pace feels just right to me, not too much too soon, but enough to let me know he is thinking of me).
    We talked again last night, and it might just my own doubts creeping in to say “don’t get your hopes up missy” but I felt so bored. He talked (a LOT) and it was interesting, but I felt I had to virtually talk over the top of him to get a chance to say anything at all. I consciously got my body into a really leaned back position and told myself to open my heart right up and just focus on his words and “hear” him. I started feeling a lot better and he did tell me a lot about himself and his relations with step children and other parts of his life. I feel disappointed though, he barely asked about me or my point of view at all.
    He wants to meet while his children are away with their mother and I want to too, to see if it feels better in person. There is a lot I like about him, a good man I think, just not feeling very inspired.
    He wanted to skype, but I said I didn’t want to do that and that I would rather meet in person first which he was totally ok with.

    Things I’m saying to myself today are; just go with it, this might be Mr Boring who turns out to be Mr Stepup Guy but I also feeling a bit scared that I would feel stifled and not be able to talk my mind as easily as I usually do. I don’t want a relationship where I feel shut down.

    Meanwhile, Farmer Guy is still texting a LOT (I never initiate anymore) He is going to be in the area in a couple of weeks and says he will come over for a cuppa. I feel excited about that, trying to stay calm and focus on other things. He says some really sweet things lately and I just light up. All that is just IMAGINARY though, will wait to see if he actually comes. Nice to think about though 🙂



  350.  #350Daria on June 14, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    I love G

    im kikin qirh my girls

    it feels fun and exciting!

    yay!

    i feel good

    this is what i wanted

    and im blogging at the same time

    haha

    today felt hella hot out

    io feel happy

    and exhilarated

    smokin weed

    sippin wine

    yadaimean

    summer dreams



  351.  #351Violet on June 14, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    Re @ 348: Lucy

    Lucy, I agree with you.

    I will state that a majority of places I’ve gone dancing require a cover charge.

    There are many activities people can do that are free or of little cost.

    I’m going to keep on keeping on and remember to appreciate every little thing on God’s green earth.

    It isn’t about what you got. It’s what you do with it that counts. Proverb by Violet (or someone else I don’t know about) hahaha

    ~ Violet ~



  352.  #352DE on June 14, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    Okay Dahlings…In almost two months, I will be celebrating my 39th B-day…I would love if as many of u can come to join me…even if is sharing my home (can find space, I swear)…I am thinking of at least a three days party…okay, okay…like a wedding in my home country 🙂 but since I am not married, I will celebrate a marriage to “Moi”…Let me know 🙂

    okay, i admit…i feel fearful that nowbody cares about me…and/or share my b-day with me 🙁

    I fear…loneliness 🙁 I love dancing..i want lots of gf/friends to join me out having fun 🙁

    Ohhhhhh 🙁 Tears…:(



  353.  #353Daria on June 14, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    so now i feel like i gotta MAKE something happen

    uhoh!

    fear!

    again!

    sigh!

    AGAIN!

    omg i punish myself so much

    poor me!

    my girls are you gonna be typing all nite

    she said dancin an typing

    you crazy n

    thats me

    addicted to typing

    on the internet

    woo hoo

    we got music!

    bring it back



  354.  #354Daria on June 14, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    i spent my birthday having sex and drinking patron, going to sleep, smoking weed by the lagoon by my house with my rasta patna reading an super exciting feeling book about aliens atlantis and genetic manipulation

    it felt kinda anticlimactic but was something i was gonna do anyway

    i want to feel like im having the coolest party all the time!



  355.  #355Daria on June 14, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    well the second part was anticlimactic

    the part that he came thru that night felt HELLA exciting



  356.  #356Daria on June 14, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    i feel like i scared everyone off

    look everyone im ok!

    im just like you!

    lol!

    i feel amused

    and weirded out

    this is a pattern

    yay pattern

    im feeling FUN and laughy



  357.  #357Daria on June 14, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    Daria loves herself Daria is an alien

    Daria is an earth inhabitant

    inhabitant hte deep mossy parts daria spreads parts like strawberry mush



  358.  #358Turquoise3 on June 14, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    I went to see Bridesmaids…. Lol. It was so funny I laughed so hard I cried!!!! Absolutely what I needed.

    Thanks for the perspective Tinque… I still disagree that’s it’s ok to riff on this forum about women here under the guise that it’s not really about them and then refuse to read the responses that come from it because you didn’t really mean it about them. That sounds like I could tell my friends how mad I am at them and how frustrated,… But that it’s really all about me and expect them to keep keying it go. Should personal growth and healing come at the expense of others?

    LG you are right we all do what we don’t like reading and do all agree that it’s not the best way. I know I was judgemental, I am being open and honest… Would just much rather be direct about a problem than to say I really don’t like it when some sirens do this. That’s still judgemental! The truth of it is… By not saying how we feel I think we are still stuffing. What I wrote today wasn’t in response to just the drug conversation… But a long time of not liking what I read, but staying out of a debate that wasn’t mine or skipping over whatfelt bad. Today I couldn’t stuff anymore.



  359.  #359Turquoise3 on June 14, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    LD and Fw, so happy to hear your good news! I like the idea of asking the inivrse for something broad and pen. I will try it!



  360.  #360Emerson on June 14, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    Argh…ladies I need your help with what I feel like a trivial baby step thing….if a guy I met online asks would I like to talk on the phone if I feel comfortable….should I email back with my number??? Or say yes, and then wait for him to write back and ask for it???

    I feel silly for asking such a dorky question, but I’m kinda paranoid about leaning forward or seeming too eager.

    BTW, on a different note, the guy I leaned forward with earlier….I was able to redeem myself. I saw him today and I LITERALLY leaned back, allowed for silence, used a ton of feeling messages, showed vulnerability, and at the end when he walked me to my car he said, is it ok if I hold your hand? It was so cute. I didnt initiate any physical contact and he hugged me goodbye with a kiss on the cheek and a sneaked small kiss on the lips. Cute…I loved it. He and I have a history…I’m kind of hoping to re-ignite a second chance….

    Yay for me leaning back! I was thinking about you ladies and Rori the whole time…LOL 🙂



  361.  #361Emerson on June 14, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    358 Turquoise, I’m glad you went out and had fun with your friends, that’s so healthy. I love doing that and it is a good reminder to make time for girlfriends….that’s our support network !!(aside from all the sirens here, of course!!)



  362.  #362Emerson on June 14, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    You know what, I think I asked almost that exact same question in 360 in a prior string….haha….

    Sigh…I’m not very good at the online thing like I’ve shared before…I have to think out each move. I think too hard.



  363.  #363Daria on June 14, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    m mKIN Em

    i fwel excxited im making ramin chicken noodles yum yum

    i am alive

    we out chea

    yahyahyah

    🙂



  364.  #364Emerson on June 14, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    352 DE
    Your party sounds amazing! Could you imagine a house full of sirens? We would tear it up!! LOL! 😉
    I love your energy DE, and I wish you a happy 39th birthday!!! I hope it’s awesome! Fellow Gemini!!

    I don’t know you, but I DO CARE that it’s your birthday!!

    Awww…I feel like that sometimes…when I feel lonely, like does anyone care I’m having a sad and lonely day??? 🙁 But they really do…I don’t know if you are spiritual… but I pray and I know God cares too.



  365.  #365RiverGirl on June 14, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    360,
    Emerson, what has worked for me in similar situations is to reply with a FM such as “it would feel great to talk with you sometime my number is…” or some other variation on that. It puts the ball in his court to call you if he wants to.

    My thought is that if you don’t include your number and just say that you would like to talk, then he MAY ask for your number OR quite likely, he will just send his number and that puts you in the position of either having to make the first call yourself or have to send your number anyway. It all gets a bit messy and to and fro.



  366.  #366Emerson on June 14, 2011 at 10:51 pm

    Thanks youuu….River Girl!!
    I was thinking the same thing…that it gets a little cumbersome and back-n-forthy…if I just say yes and he sends his #….etc etc blah blah …..haha thanks for your help.
    I’m sending him the email now.



  367.  #367DE on June 14, 2011 at 11:14 pm

    Emerson # 364:

    Gosh, I feel so touched 🙂 I wished u leaved closer 🙂 We would have so much fun 🙂

    It is still two months far out 🙂 Hope u can make it happen…:) U strong and sassy aussy girl 😉

    Warm hugs,



  368.  #368Confidence Coach on June 15, 2011 at 12:12 am

    Blimey, this is some thread of comments! Not much relating to the original topic either!!

    So, my take on this is that from a male perspective, it’s really dangerous to have this secret life that he’s creating for himself… it’s seductive and you find that in that space you are likely to take risks and do things that you wouldn’t do in an open and honest life.

    People find it really easy to express their inner darkness in this place and unfortunately, this is where most problems in relationships lie. I’d suggest, if it hasn’t already happened, that a long hard look in the mirror takes place and ask the question, “Is this really what I want for me?”



  369.  #369Daria on June 15, 2011 at 12:36 am

    woo hoo!

    i feel good im home and i feel good

    so crazy how the guy i am talking to on the phone regularly, i saw some flirts from him to some girls online and just brought it up

    at first he acted confused but eventually he said sorry

    i feel good about him as a possible future lover, maybe someone i wouldnt want for marriage, unless he proves to be that one

    i mostly feel good and comfortable around him, even bringing up what i saw online

    i LIKE that

    i feel secure with that

    aww

    boo boo



  370.  #370Marissa on June 15, 2011 at 12:49 am

    Hello Rori,

    Hello Sirens,

    I desperately need some advice and I would very much appreciate any advice that you could give me.

    Here is situation:

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me three years ago, but we have been seeing each other off and on until September of last year, when he told me that he have meet someone and that he could have a chance of having a family with. (I am over 40 and cannot have anymore children). I did not contact him after that conversation and I did not hear from him until Christmas. He said Merry Christmas and I responded, thank you. Same when New Year came. I heard from him again in April on my birthday. Last month he sent me a picture of a poppy flower, I did not respond. the following week he sent me a picture of a pink daisy at 12 a.m., I also did not respond.
    Three weeks ago, my daughter text him through my phone asking for her guitar back (she had asked me to do it a month before that but I did not want to contact him). He brought the guitar and I meet him at a grocery parking lot, We said hi to each other and He asked me if I’d like to get something to eat w/ him I said no, we hugged and we said goodbye.

    The following night I got a text from him that says”It was very nice to see you yesterday, it made my day” which I responded It made my day too. He then said “can I go see you again’ and I said yes. We spent the next Sunday afternoon together just talking and a few hugs. He text me every two days, just the usual how are you and i hope you sleep well.

    This is where I need advise, please…

    I would like to ask him why he came back, and that if he only came back to be friends with me that I don’t want it, because I still love him and I would get hurt again if he finds someone else and leaves. How do I say it. Should I ask him?.
    Should I wait ?

    Please help.

    Sincerely,
    Marissa



  371.  #371Daria on June 15, 2011 at 12:53 am

    im feeling so sleepy im laying with my head in my hand

    i like how much more tenderly and carefully i touch myself now that im loving myself



  372.  #372Dawn on June 15, 2011 at 3:35 am

    Im happy we are as one again
    It feels bad to be divided
    I believe we need to thank our triggers
    thank them for the experience
    running and ignoring is cold
    love is warm
    when we move the obstacles
    we find the love
    we appreciate others
    we appreciate ourselves
    we are human
    we were made from love
    I value people
    I value feelings
    good and bad
    I value the message they bring
    I invite diversity to learn
    we are forever changing
    no one is above anyone else
    some of us are willing
    to take the next step
    some of us struggle
    with ourselves
    Please dont deny yourself
    dont fool yourself
    I enjoy the journey
    the destination is secondary



  373.  #373Lilybelle on June 15, 2011 at 3:54 am

    352:

    DE~ Your upcoming birthday is SO important to me and I wish I could be there with you. But, you already know this. 🙂

    Mine is very early September…what a celebration we would have!!

    Much Love.



  374.  #374Lily T. on June 15, 2011 at 4:31 am

    #370 Marissa,

    “I would like to ask him why he came back, and that if he only came back to be friends with me that I don’t want it, because I still love him and I would get hurt again if he finds someone else and leaves. How do I say it. Should I ask him?.”

    Why not say it just as you wrote it here?

    It’s honest and heartfelt and hopefully he will give you an honest and heartfelt response in return.



  375.  #375Brenda on June 15, 2011 at 4:37 am

    Good morning! Miho, the lady where I’m staying, said that it’s not going to work out, because the dogs keep barking way too much. She is not kicking me out overnight, but she said just get a job and a place to live ASAP. Yet I know it is really bothering her, and she told me before I ever came that she values quiet, and that excessive barking would be a deal breaker. I realized after the fact that the reason they were so quiet at my last apartment is because they didn’t have much stimulation. Here there is Miho’s dog and dogs on both sides of the house with other neighbors.

    At every turn, the dogs are holding me back from having a place to stay. Yet when I have an apartment that accommodates them, it all works out fine. I also have 4 cats, and one of them is pregnant. Miho will only allow 2 cats here, and she won’t allow kittens here at all. So I am trying to figure out the best way to keep my family together while I save for an apartment.

    It all comes down to money, and I am just perplexed as to how to exist for cheap while I save money. It will feel good to have a home again…when, I don’t know. I just don’t want to stay here when I know it is bothering her. I am trying to come up with a Plan B.



  376.  #376Dawn on June 15, 2011 at 4:43 am

    Turquoise 3, if you only share your thoughts you may be misunderstood. You were right to express your concerns.Just like we all are. I find when I figure out how the thoughts make me feel I can see myself in the other persons place. Empathy for me is very important. I value the connection. The feelings soften our thoughts. I dont agree with everything I hear here. Yes , I get triggered! Most times I can see the pain or difficulty the other person is dealing with. It can be difficult . i dont agree with assuming how someone is feeling. I dont agree with applying my perspective. I guess Im proud of you for getting it out but thoughts are not feelings.Feelings are not judgements. Thoughts can be percieved as judgements. We dont have to defend our feelings. Its our thoughts that get challenged.



  377.  #377Lily T. on June 15, 2011 at 4:47 am

    #313 LD,

    “I first had to accept that maybe, just maybe I didn’t know what was best for me and would make me happy. When I just asked for happiness and stopped trying to dictate what form it should come in, THAT’S when good things started happening…”

    I loved reading this. Thank you for writing it. 🙂



  378.  #378Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 5:09 am

    Brenda It hurts my heart to read about your pain. You are in my prayers.



  379.  #379Dawn on June 15, 2011 at 5:10 am

    Hey Brenda, I have furry babies too. I love them . They make my house a home. I have a little boston terrier, Stella. I bought a small house 3 yrs ago . I figured Stella needed a buddy. So we got Louis, a rat terrier. Louis was and is the best little dog ever. Stella however is very dominant.( I work long hours and thought that was the cause but its her nature) . The little girl behind us started coming to walk them as her summer job. I got to know this family. They were drifting apart. I soon realised the bond that the girl and her parents had with Louis. He is a people dog. I offered him to them knowing they would love him . They have expressed thier gratitude that Louis unified them and they are feeling like a family again. Im not saying you should surrender your fuzzies but giving the love is sometimes better than the recieving.



  380.  #380Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 5:13 am

    RE 359 Turquoise I wish you the best.



  381.  #381Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 5:22 am


  382.  #382Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 5:27 am

    RE 370 Marissa I would not ask him why he came back. He is entitled to do whatever he wants. I would ask myself why I accepted him back. If I was going to share anything I would share how I feel confused and what I want in my life. I believe it is okay to share how you feel when you are with him and also the fear of being hurt and losing him. If that is what you feel.



  383.  #383Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 5:30 am

    RE 368 Confidence Coach do you mind elaborating on “People find it really easy to express their inner darkness in this place and unfortunately, this is where most problems in relationships lie”. I am not sure I follow you and what “place” are you refering to?



  384.  #384Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 5:33 am

    Turquoise3 Just in case you don’t know, your picture disappeared. I am now tempted to go see Bridesmaids. I think I will do so next week.



  385.  #385Lily T. on June 15, 2011 at 5:41 am

    Brenda,

    Would it be possible to board some of your animals until you can find a place where you could keep all of them? I know it is probably difficult to find a rental situation that would accept so many animals. Have you looked for a place perhaps out in the country? Would you consider finding good homes for some of them?



  386.  #386Dawn on June 15, 2011 at 5:44 am

    Hi there Confidence Coach ! Im thinking where did the guy in the blue shirt come from ? LOL I get the dark place comment.We all have one . No matter how much sugar you pile on it its still there. You are so right. I believe if you can accept your own darkness you can accept others, you can relate ergo a successful relationship.



  387.  #387Letitshine on June 15, 2011 at 5:46 am

    #352: Happy early Bday- I turn the big 40 in couple of months. I LOVE LOVE to dance as well- sounds like a blast:) Hope it’s a great one!!



  388.  #388Dawn on June 15, 2011 at 6:01 am

    Dear Rori, I really hope that you consider making your voice heard more here. I so appreciate it and miss it. Just wanted to let you know.



  389.  #389Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 6:09 am

    RE 342 LD I felt flabbergasted when I was asked “what do you want to pay”. This is the second time in recent times this has happened to me since I started to pay attention. I was on line in a store before and someone turned around to pay for them I was so shocked I told her but they are mine not understanding. It took me a while to get my mind wrapped around it and it was definitely not cheap stuff so it was the last thing I expected. When these things happen I look for ways to give back into the Universe because I believe things do come back. I got the sense the first time that it was not about me but all about the woman who was doing it because of her vibe in telling me she ways paying for it. I feel tingly and all excited just thinking about the experience. I feel so grateful for my mind and heart that store suchn happy memories of life.



  390.  #390Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 6:17 am

    Mel you have been on my mind. I am wondering if what LD wrote above resonates with you in any way and if you could apply anything in your current situation. I also saw Rori’s recent email about Out the Window and am wondering if it could help you.
    For now, let’s work with this Out The Window Tool to help you with obsession:

    As soon as you stop doing all the man-pleasing behaviors you’ve been doing, you’ll see two things happen:

    One, your man, or the man emailing you, or the man you’re meeting for a first date at a coffee shop, will sit up and notice that YOU’RE A VERY COOL GIRL.

    He’ll notice you’re cool, because you’ll probably be the first woman he’s met who doesn’t need to think about how HE’S doing before she thinks about how SHE’S doing!

    He’ll notice that there’s absolutely no pressure in being with you.

    He’ll notice that you trust yourself enough to be yourself instead of wondering and caring what he thinks about you.

    He’ll notice that you TRUST HIM enough to be yourself instead of wondering and caring what he thinks about you.

    And it’ll be such a relief, such a powerful, mysteriously sexy thing for him to be with a woman who puts herself first, he’ll be like a kid in a toy store, and you’re the best toy.

    You’ll see his energy come toward you in a different way than you’re used to.

    Instead of working hard to get his interest, instead of working at being smart, clever, charming and appealing, you’ll be shocked to notice he just thinks YOU ARE smart, clever, charming, appealing, and totally sexy.

    You lean back, and he leans forward.

    And that’s only step one.

    *** Step two, OUT THE WINDOW lets you come alive with the passion you feel for YOUR OWN interests.

    He gets to be around while you share your deepest feelings about small things – like the weather, the restaurant atmosphere, the trip you took last year – and almost immediately, he starts to feel that “Here’s a woman with EMOTIONAL DEPTH. She GETS me!”

    And he leans in toward you. And he listens to you.

    And he asks questions.

    And then when you gently toss the ball back to him with a “And how ’bout you?” He feels so comfortable with you, he tells you everything.

    Because you’re so not caring about impressing him with how you understand and hear everything he says (if it’s interesting, right?) you’re able to just lean back and listen, and

    BE THERE with him.

    He’s so unused to any woman JUST BEING, instead of always doing around him all the time, you completely capture his attention, his energy, his heart.

    And this is how it works.

    Even with just this bit of information, you can completely turn around a relationship you’re already in, or completely change your love life.



  391.  #391Rusty on June 15, 2011 at 6:26 am

    303: EllaNo Gravatar says:

    DE,

    No, not really.

    Just jumping off what you said…

    Its more to do with me really, and how I sometimes worry about posting on here about my scenarios, and how sometimes in the past Sirens have reacted.

    And I have noticed judgment in the reply posts I have got. About both the men and the situations.

    And I am not saying this is either good or bad.

    But often times what they are saying has really helped me.

    So I guess it is still an unresolved conflict in me… the judgemental part that is trying to protect me, and the other freer part that wishes to totally let go of judgements and conforming and become a free spirit.

    DE I love the authenticity I feel from your posts, and how you are so honest and willing to shine the spotlight into your dark areas.

    I feel strength and courage from your posts and I want to tell you (in my masc voice now) to keep doing what you are doing.

    Hugs.

    xoxox

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    I think that if you are honest about your situation, your friends, people who care about you will not judge you. They may recognize a mistake that was made, often because they made it themselves. Offering kind helpful advice is what everyone should be after…and trying to provide. This is much different than judgment. My hope for all of you is that you never feel like you have to edit what you say, if editing means not telling the truth about your situation. You can’t get help for the situation if people don’t know the real situation.

    I applaud you for not editing and putting yourself out there. I can respect that. I dislike when women only paint an edited version of their situation. One that makes them out to be blameless and the other person the bad guy.

    Believe it or not, when I went through my first divorce, my counselor said this was the #1 cause for divorce. You start off looking for some comfort, not judgment, from friends or family. So you tell the story in a way that makes you the innocent victim. At first they just offer some words of encouragement.

    But that feels good, so you do it more, and more, and pretty soon, they just adopt the view that you are with a toxic man and all you need to be happy is leave him. Pretty soon you believe it yourself. After all, you checked off all the blocks you were supposed to to be happy. School, job, house, kids, etc… Whatever it was that you thought that you needed to do to be happy. So if you aren’t happy, it must be his fault…right?

    That’s one of the great things about Rori’s tools and advice that I have seen mentioned here. That you, not your man, is responsible for making you happy.



  392.  #392Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 6:28 am

    Tinque it felt so comforting to read your article. I particularly liked this:

    “This huge heart of yours which is full of love and peace radiates out. This and this alone is where your true beauty lies. This is what the others who are really important see. This is what shines blindingly through no matter what your physical being looks like. Your true beauty is behind your eyes wherein resides your heart and soul”.

    Thank you Tinque



  393.  #393Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 6:37 am

    Some excerpts from CCarter. While reading it I thought of you Elizabeth. I am celebrating your success with you, congrats again.

    The thing that’s most important to a man in a relationship is that he knows that who he is makes his woman HAPPY.

    So, knowing all these important insights into how men think and feel, what can you DO with it to put it to use in your relationship?

    To stop this cycle of a man feeling CRITICIZED, or like he doesn’t please you, you first need to find a “safe space” before you talk and share your feelings with him.

    And I mean “safe” in that telling a man what you think, feel and need will not jeopardize your connection, but instead make it stronger.

    Here’s your ACTION STEP to create this “safe” space for you, and for him:

    Sit down with him today at some time when you’re both settled and relaxed.

    Then tell him that you respect his feelings, and that you appreciate the way he respects yours. (If you don’t believe this right now, simply the act of communicating these words will have a profoundly positive effect on him and actually help create more respect and appreciation- because you get what you give!)

    Then explain that communicating as early as possible and allowing that SAFE SPACE to tell each other how you really feel and that you need to be open and honest with each other in the moment is CRUCIAL to your happiness – yours AND his.

    What you’re doing here is essentially agreeing together to accept and allow for each others real feelings- REGARDLESS of whether they happen to please the other person in that moment.

    Of course, by agreeing to this, you’re not just agreeing to be able to state your true feelings.

    You’re also agreeing to really and truly hear HIS FEELINGS too, whether you like them or not.

    And that means not going off the deep end emotionally if he tells you something you don’t like hearing.

    This kind of real and authentic honesty is the first step, and the one and only path to a real, secure, and lasting relationship where both partners know that their feelings are HEARD and RESPECTED.

    Does it seem that people are more likely to “bend the rules” and listen and empathize when you approach them with a more positive emotional tone?

    In the same vein, when it comes to talking to your guy, remember:

    -Stay calm and controlled when talking about critical issues. If you’re relaxed and assertive, he’s more likely to be open to listening to what you have to say.

    -If he says something hurtful, don’t lash out. Instead, give yourself some space and let him know you won’t tolerate that from him. If you stay calm and positive, he’ll calm down and eventually realize what he said was either insensitive or wrong. The key is to give him the space to see your feelings, but not feel blamed or criticized by you for them- and he’ll respond in a caring and nurturing way as a result.

    In this way, YOU can affect how your conversation will go… whether it will spiral into fighting and negativity… or end up in a much closer connection and better understanding.

    I just revealed a couple of insights into how you can stop the vicious cycle of negativity and miscommunication with a man, along with a specific way to renew your relationship with listening and honesty.

    I hope you’ll put these to use in your relationship today… whether it’s with a man, or anyone in your life you want to reconnect with.

    When it comes to building a solid foundation for a great long-term, committed relationship, you have to be able to COMMUNICATE effectively and in a way that doesn’t compromise your needs and feelings.

    Otherwise, you’ll end up feeling unappreciated and “unheard” in your relationship.



  394.  #394Mel on June 15, 2011 at 6:42 am

    Good morning FW!

    Thanks for posting that, as I am still not receiving the e-newsletters for some reason.

    Is there more? What is the “out the window” tool? This described what will happen, but what is the tool? Just to throw man-pleasing behaviors out the window?

    I’m not sure why, or if something happened to cause this, but yesterday I was in the washroom washing my face and he came up behind me and gave me a big hug. He said “You’re too skinny.” I started to cry and said “I’ve been having a really hard time.” He wrapped his arms around me and let me sob on his chest. I said “I feel like my life is falling apart. I don’t know what to do. What are we going to do?” He just said “Shhhhh.” and continued to hug me.

    It was all very unexpected, and confusing as it has been the first display of affection and empathy from him in a long, long time. I don’t know what this means, or even if it means anything. I just said “Thank-you. I really needed that.”

    Universe… I told you yesterday that I don’t know what to do but that I just want to be happy. I guess for now the universe just wants me to do nothing.



  395.  #395Dawn on June 15, 2011 at 6:48 am

    Rusty, Right on !!!!!!!!!!!



  396.  #396Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Mel I feel so moved I feel teary eyed. Doing nothing might be your best option with such results.



  397.  #397Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 7:04 am

    Mel this is the first part:

    Here’s a Tool to help you get started:
    Even if you’ve never had a full-blown obsession with a man, where you can barely imagine living without him and always live in fear of him breaking up with you, have you ever run your schedule around him?
    Made your plans around him?
    Watched what you said and didn’t say around him?
    Wanted to make him happy and make him love you so much that you forgot how to just be yourself?
    Thought his moods were your fault?
    Thought when he withdrew that what you needed to do was be “nicer” and “more understanding?”
    Well, the first thing to do that will work the fastest to reduce the importance of a man in your life (even if he’s THE most important thing – I don’t want you to allow him to become the ONLY important thing) is to stop doing all of the above.
    That means – no scheduling around him, no making plans around him, no watching what you say and don’t say, no trying to make him happy or make him love you, no “nice” and no “understanding” when something he does or doesn’t do makes YOU unhappy.
    The second thing is to get something else IMPORTANT into your life.
    And that would be YOU.
    Here’s how it works:
    You look out a window and imagine what it is that you love (aside from him).
    Imagine the love in your heart, all that energy and sweetness and passion, going out the window to that thing you love – it might be painting, or the beach, or giving to those less fortunate, or helping people in your special, unique way.
    Of course, I call this Tool OUT THE WINDOW.
    These two steps sound easy, and they are.
    If you’re willing.
    Because before you can make any kind of change, you have to want to.
    And it’s hard to want something you’ve never seen or done before (except with men you don’t care about).
    It’s hard to believe, if you’ve never seen it work, that it WILL work.
    And yet, I’ve seen it work brilliantly in my own life, and in the lives of all my clients.
    It works.
    You won’t be the one woman it doesn’t work for.
    No matter how unusual you believe you are, no matter how low your self-esteem, no matter how scattered your thoughts or how negative you feel right at this moment, it will work.



  398.  #398Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 7:10 am

    Mel I remember hearing talk on an Interview about working with a woman to the point that her man could actually “feel” her. I would encourage you not to go in his head but to continue feeling your feelings and sharing that when you get the opportunity. Maybe that is what it is about. I would even try to give up the thought about “what to do”. I am wondering if Virginia Feingold Clark’s cat analogy could help you now.



  399.  #399Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 7:17 am

    RE 398 I meant I remember hearing “Rori” talk on an Interview



  400.  #400Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 7:20 am

    Boomer I wish wish wish you would come back. I am missing you.



  401.  #401Lilybelle on June 15, 2011 at 7:22 am

    394~

    Mel..I got very teary-eyed reading your interactions with you husband.

    Sometimes, when nothing is coming for me either way by, either by thought or by action, I chose to just sit still. Be still and do nothing. No action, no thought…just be.

    When we quiet ourselves, imo, it is a gift to ourselves and so much can come during those times.

    I hope this makes sense to you.

    ~Lilybelly.



  402.  #402Marissa on June 15, 2011 at 7:25 am

    Thank you, Femininewoman.

    Thank you, Lily T.

    I very much appreciate your comments.

    I welcome all comments, please keep it coming.

    Thanks.



  403.  #403Mel on June 15, 2011 at 7:25 am

    Thanks FW! That’s a really good tool! 🙂

    I’m joining a ladies soccer team… I suck at soccer, but I don’t care. I’m also going to yoga regularly now. I feel a lot more relaxed after my yoga class. She does this cool singing meditation “Sa Ta Na Ma” which sounds so beautiful with a room full of women in harmony.

    Then we crush our troubled thoughts in our hands and blow them away into the wind. I always sleep well after yoga class.

    When I look out the window, I see the beautiful honey farm that I hope to run one day. The bees are buzzing around my fields of flowers. My house is filled with all the beautiful nature photographs that I have taken, and the paintings I have created. My life feels effortless.



  404.  #404Lilybelle on June 15, 2011 at 7:25 am

    400:

    Boomer is doing great, FW.



  405.  #405Lilybelle on June 15, 2011 at 7:25 am

    I’ll tell her you are missing her…

    🙂



  406.  #406Mel on June 15, 2011 at 7:27 am

    cat analogy?



  407.  #407Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 7:35 am

    Thanks Lilybelle

    Mel now I want to do yoga. Your post felt so calm and inspiring. No wonder he is being magnitized, I believe he can’t help himself.



  408.  #408Mel on June 15, 2011 at 7:38 am

    ” The Sa Ta Na Ma Kriya Meditation is used to embrace and celebrate the cycle of Life, Death, Birth, and Rebirth. When we can accept and embrace that change is the only constant and that we are here to evolve and grow, each death we experience becomes a little less painful than the last and each birth comes a little bit easier than the one before.”



  409.  #409Brenda on June 15, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Thanks for your thoughts and sentiments on my pet and living situation. Yes, I am targeting to live in the country. I am just weighing different ideas. I will just take it a step at a time. Just feel like camping somewhere with my kids.

    As for boarding, it’s not an option. It is very expensive. It typically costs $25/day per dog and $10/day per cat. That adds into thousands a month. If I had that kind of money, I could afford an apartment.

    In another area of my state, housing is far cheaper. I could buy a house outright if I had the right setup. But then I’d be out of “my” area, where my Mom, friends, and church are. Not sure what to do.



  410.  #410Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 7:46 am

    RE 406 It was from VFeingold Clark. Will see if I can find it.



  411.  #411Rusty on June 15, 2011 at 8:05 am

    When I got divorced the first time, I used to go running a lot, then started working out with weights again. Physical exercise is one of the best stress relievers there is. So I am not surprised that Mel sleeps well after her Yoga classes. I think both stretching and exercises do a whole lot to relieve that tension. Probably better than any medication. Add in some meditation and i just don’t see how a medicine could do the same thing. I meditate while running. I learned to do that as a long distance runner in high school. It makes running become addicting.



  412.  #412Lilybelle on June 15, 2011 at 8:07 am

    409:

    Brenda, so sorry to hear that this situation isn’t resolved yet.

    Sending you warm thoughts and prayers.

    ~Lilybelle.



  413.  #413Rusty on June 15, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Mel

    Remember me talking about the “Chivalrous Knight?” Seems that he is starting to get to the point that either he feels he can be one, or coming to the decision that he wants to be one. Likely that motivation is coming from you. So whatever you are doing, just working on yourself, and being vulnerable instead of accusatory…keep doing it.

    FW offered great advice also. Just keep working on yourself, make yourself warm hearted and happy and he will be attracted to you like a moth to flame.



  414.  #414Kyla on June 15, 2011 at 8:12 am

    Everything is flowing effortlessly for me today. I feel a vibe shift and tremendous relief. I decided to accept my old friend as she is. I accept that she no longer feels good to me. I’ve put my attention elsewhere. She may come back or she may disappear and that’s ok. I feel good when I realise I’m noticing more and more things that feel good and more and more things that I don’t want in my life. I choose to focus and give energy to the better feeling things. I expand them and enjoy them and allow myself to receive more of them.

    I gravitate towards the people, things and places that match my vibe and I accept that these people, places and things may change as my vibe changes. This feels good to notice. I am growing and my life resembles nothing of what it was like 2 years ago. Everything is changing for the better.

    I feel warm and soft today.

    I don’t want to do anything.

    I just want to be.. and notice.. and smile..

    I feel sleepy and comfortable and relaxed.



  415.  #415Mel on June 15, 2011 at 8:12 am

    Brenda,

    is there a “foster family” that could take a few of your animals temporarily until you get settled again?

    My thoughts are going out to you. My dogs are really important to me so I can understand completely how hard it is for you to be apart from them. I hope this will all sort itself out soon!

    (hugs) ~Mel



  416.  #416Dawn on June 15, 2011 at 8:13 am

    Mel, your honey farm sounds like paradise. You are sounding better than ever. Keep your chin up dear siren. The world needs your devotion and dedication!



  417.  #417Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 8:16 am

    By the way Mel I joined a music class on Monday. I suck too so you have company in that department. I love you courage



  418.  #418Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 8:17 am

    Are you more dog-like or a cat-like in your relationships?

    People who like pets usually enjoy referring to themselves as either dog people or cat people, but your preference doesn’t really matter…except when it comes to your feminine allure which you can only learn from an expert, the cat.

    I used to be more dog-like in my relationships with men than cat-like. I was making so many dog-like mistakes that I eventually learned that I needed to bring out my inner cat, not my inner dog.

    So what were the qualities I was exhibiting when I was expressing my inner dog?

    · Dogs are always eager to please.

    · Dogs demand very little other than food and attention.

    · Dogs are fiercely loyal even to their owners who abuse them.

    · Dogs will follow their owner wherever they go, always watching for their reactions and approval.

    · Dogs will beg for love.

    These are all wonderful qualities in a pet, but these are not the qualities you want to embrace as a woman in a love relationship.

    But that was me, always trying so hard to please. I was single and I was feeling desperate and needy. I eventually realized that being dog-like was not working for me.

    As luck would have it, I was cast as “the cat” in a stage play of “Animal Farm” by George Orwell. As the cat, I was the only animal in the play with no lines. All I did on stage was saunter up to anyone who would pet me or lazily look for anything I could rub myself against. This was meant to be an exaggeration of the pleasure loving nature of a cat, but in truth, it is a large part of their essence.

    At the time I had a cat named Nova and I studied her intently for my role. I could see that she had many desirable qualities that seemed to keep me at her beck and call. As they say, “no one really owns a cat, a cat owns you.”

    She was giving me a glimpse into a more feminine way to be with a man, but it took me a long time to understand. Now, years later, I embrace my inner cat with gusto.

    So what are the qualities of a cat that you can use to increase your feminine allure?

    · Cats are independent.

    · Cats are unpredictable.

    · Cats are playful.

    · Cats are curious.

    · Cats embody a sense of mystery.

    · Cats won’t always come when you call.

    · Cats keep themselves well groomed.

    · Cats know what they want and don’t want.

    And just as importantly — cats know how to relax! They can relax so totally because they are at peace with who they are. There is nothing more feminine than a cat stretched out full length for a nap.

    This is my cat Luna who just passed her 21st birthday on March 10th. She is my inspiration.

    It’s a challenge to embody these qualities if you’re used to being more dog-like. One thing you can do to help you be more catlike is keep an image of a particular cat in your mind. Call on it whenever you feel you are going into that “man-pleasing dog territory.”

    I tell you, Luna has me under a love spell. Whatever she wants I’m happy to give her, but she doesn’t always seem grateful and keeps me guessing. But at night, when she curls up to sleep beside me, I know that I am loved and appreciated.

    That’s how a man wants to feel — that’s the feminine allure of relishing your inner cat.

    If you need help Email me and take advantage of my no charge phone consultation.

    In the meantime don’t forget things can change in an instant, so don’t lose hope!

    Sending you love,

    Virginia



  419.  #419Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 8:18 am

    RE 414 Yayyyy Kyla. High five



  420.  #420Kyla on June 15, 2011 at 8:18 am

    FW I focused on the 100% responsibility idea yesterday and although I noticed the same behaviour I did not feel triggered. I felt bored and found myself naturally distracted by other things. Today I haven’t really noticed anything from her at all. Thank you for that 🙂

    Daria – thank you for the reassurance on the yawning and shifting. I feel much more confident in my sinking and riffing. I feel good that I’m receiving physical signs that my efforts are paying off.



  421.  #421Mel on June 15, 2011 at 8:20 am

    Rusty,

    Thanks for your support!

    Afterwards, I wondered… did someone say something to him about me looking too skinny? What made him notice me all of a sudden? I didn’t think I was doing anything differently… but I don’t know. Maybe.

    I think I’m just going to keep doing nothing. I really like the “out the window” tool that FW gave to me today. When i have the urge to do or control the outcome, I’m going to look out the window and envision my peaceful “future” honey farm.



  422.  #422Dawn on June 15, 2011 at 8:22 am

    oddly enough when you put water on sugar it disolves. Drip drip……….



  423.  #423Mel on June 15, 2011 at 8:24 am

    Thanks Dawn! It’s a long way away… but a dream of mine.

    FW- LOL, I am so much like a little doggie!



  424.  #424Lily T. on June 15, 2011 at 8:25 am

    Brenda, I had the same thought as Mel 415: do you have different friends that might be willing to take in the animals for a short time? One who would take one of the dogs, others who might take individual cats?

    I understand you want all of them to stay with you, but dividing them up into temporary homes for a period of time might allow you the time to get into the ideal situation.



  425.  #425Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 8:33 am

    I’d like to talk to you about the allure of your inner cat and why you should give her more of your attention.

    Sigmund Freud said:

    “Time spent with cats is never wasted.”

    You may wonder why Freud, a man who dedicated his life to the study of human behavior was so enamored with cats. I imagine it was because he found them so difficult to “analyze.”

    When you get in touch with your inner cat she will give you a sense of mystery. This will be one of your most powerful and alluring traits that will help you get a man’s attention.

    The definition of mystery is “something that is difficult to understand, explain or identify.”

    Mystery implies an element of secretiveness, and when someone tells you they have a secret — don’t you just have to know what it is?

    What are some other “attracting” qualities of your inner cat?

    Cats are soft and graceful, they make it hard not to reach out and touch them.

    A cat’s eyes are strangely hypnotic, it makes it hard for you to look away.

    Cats survey the world as if they owned it. They seem relaxed and self-satisfied about whatever is going on around them.

    You don’t know what a cat is thinking, but it’s obvious that something is going on behind those eyes!

    Wouldn’t you love to and embody a cat’s sense of mystery? To have that kind of ease?

    It all comes down to being relaxed and comfortable within yourself; enjoying your thoughts — but always holding something back that is yours alone.

    As you express your inner cat’s allure and mystery you can’t help but draw a man’s interest.

    He will try to get you to reveal your secrets, and like any good cat, you will keep some of them to yourself.

    Sending you love,

    Virginia



  426.  #426Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 8:37 am

    Mel as long as we are alive we can learn. I just love how she describes cats. I so resonate with it I am learning to bring my inner cat out.



  427.  #427Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 8:38 am

    Brenda I totally understand where you are. I would have difficulty not living in the same space with my children.



  428.  #428Dawn on June 15, 2011 at 8:50 am

    i like little kitties . They hop around with thier little tails up. Too cute. I feel smiley at the thought of them. Too bad we cant help Brenda. With all of our resourses and smarts! Heck Id give em all a home . I live in Canada. I feel for her. On the other side of it she has the opportunity to live her authentic life . that in itself would be exciting! Go Brenda Go !!



  429.  #429Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 8:51 am

    By the way Mel, another coach, Bob Grant suggests that sometimes when you want him to talk, just go over and put your head on his shoulder without saying anything.



  430.  #430Mel on June 15, 2011 at 8:52 am

    I live in Canada too Dawn! Maybe we can be the home-away-from-home for Brenda’s babies!



  431.  #431Senior Lady Vibe on June 15, 2011 at 9:20 am

    @360: Emerson says:
    “….should I email back with my number??? ..”

    Yes, if you would be comfortable talking to him on the phone send the number with the “OK” or just the number. Not necessary to say “yes” and then wait for him to ask for number…

    xoxo
    SLV



  432.  #432Senior Lady Vibe on June 15, 2011 at 9:25 am

    @368: Confidence Coach says:
    “…Blimey,…”

    Aha, “Blind me!” Do you know if anyone has been struck blind recently?

    xoxo
    SLV



  433.  #433Senior Lady Vibe on June 15, 2011 at 9:41 am

    @403: Mel says:
    “…I’m joining a ladies soccer team… I suck at soccer, but I don’t care. I’m also going to yoga regularly now. I feel a lot more relaxed after my yoga class….”

    Wonderful. And he honey farm too. Life is good.

    xoxo
    SLV



  434.  #434Senior Lady Vibe on June 15, 2011 at 9:43 am

    433: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    @403: Mel says:
    “…I’m joining a ladies soccer team… I suck at soccer, but I don’t care. I’m also going to yoga regularly now. I feel a lot more relaxed after my yoga class….”

    Wonderful. And the honey farm too. Life is good.

    xoxo
    SLV

    Wednesday, 15 June 2011 @ 9:41am



  435.  #435Dawn on June 15, 2011 at 9:49 am

    Mel, Awesome! Wouldnt that be something!



  436.  #436Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 9:57 am

    RE 432 SLV you are so naughty. I am falling off my chair with laughter.



  437.  #437Mel on June 15, 2011 at 9:58 am

    SLV

    No honey farm yet. Right now just living in a pretty little condo, with my own property in mind for the future. There’s a farm close by that’s allowed us to set up two hives on their land this spring. I love to watch the gentle bees and listen to their melodic humming. It’s strangely relaxing.



  438.  #438Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 9:58 am

    RE 431 Boomer had shared some info in the past about yahoo phone that sets up an alternate number if there is some discomfort around giving out your number.



  439.  #439Senior Lady Vibe on June 15, 2011 at 10:10 am

    @409: Brenda says:
    “…In another area of my state, housing is far cheaper. I could buy a house outright if I had the right setup. But then I’d be out of “my” area, where my Mom, friends, and church are. Not sure what to do…”

    Hi Brenda, you are in my thoughts. How far away? Would it work if you rented a house in that area? Say for a year? You mentioned your mother coming to live with you this would help with housing cost if she would be contributing. You could settle and be more relaxed to find a house in area in which you’d like to live permanently.

    If not too far, you might have luck driving and looking around and then looking up the owners and speaking directly. Some would-be sellers will consider renting if house has been on market for a while and double debt service is “motivating” them.

    In another life long ago I relocated families and for a short while I was also a realtor.

    xoxo
    SLV



  440.  #440Senior Lady Vibe on June 15, 2011 at 10:13 am

    @414: Kyla

    Good for you! 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  441.  #441Senior Lady Vibe on June 15, 2011 at 10:19 am

    @418: Femininewoman says:
    “· Cats know what they want and don’t want. ”

    I like your lists, FW. This reminds me of something I read. A cat expert was joking about “cats that would rather starve than eat food they don’t like.” As you know, dogs are not that way.
    😀 meow…

    xoxo
    SLV



  442.  #442Femininewoman on June 15, 2011 at 10:21 am

    SLV It was from Virginia Feingold Clark, a friend of Rori’s who write guest articles here sometimes.



  443.  #443Senior Lady Vibe on June 15, 2011 at 10:21 am

    @441
    Sorry, FW, I didn’t mean to assume you thought of dogs in a particular way… just kidding around..

    Except… well…. I’ve seen dogs eat just about anything… 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  444.  #444Kyla on June 15, 2011 at 10:27 am

    Mel

    The honey farm sounds divine!

    FW

    I love the cat article. Funnily enough I’m a dog person but I admire cats and have been finding my inner cat too. One thing I love is that a cat when they are receiving attention they bask in the affection, totally relaxed and purring but when the affection is withdrawn or they get bored they will stretch and walk gracefully away to something else. They do what they want and stay wherever they are treated the best. I LOVE that quality 🙂

    Brenda

    You are so brave. You and your family are in my thoughts.



  445.  #445Senior Lady Vibe on June 15, 2011 at 10:28 am

    @437: Mel says:
    “…No honey farm yet. Right now just living in a pretty little condo, with my own property in mind for the future. There’s a farm close by that’s allowed us to set up two hives on their land this spring. I love to watch the gentle bees and listen to their melodic humming. It’s strangely relaxing…”

    You have two hives…! That’s fascinating. I know nothing about this beekeeping but I’ve been curious every now and then.

    Maybe I’ll go look up that beekeeping in title movie…

    xoxo
    SLV



  446.  #446Kyla on June 15, 2011 at 10:29 am

    Thanks Senior Lady Vibe 🙂



  447.  #447tinque on June 15, 2011 at 10:32 am

    I love, love that movie SLV, and the book is just as good.

    xxoo



  448.  #448Mel on June 15, 2011 at 10:33 am

    FW,

    What kind of music class are you taking?

    I am also musically challenged! 🙂



  449.  #449Emerson on June 15, 2011 at 10:33 am

    431 thanks SLV ! hugs 😉



  450.  #450Mel on June 15, 2011 at 10:34 am

    “The Secret Life of Bees”? I like that one too!



  451.  #451Senior Lady Vibe on June 15, 2011 at 10:43 am

    @447: tinque says:
    “I love, love that movie SLV, and the book is just as good. ”

    Hi tinque, what’s the exact title? Something with beekeeping or beekeepers… Should I read the book first?

    xoxo
    SLV



  452.  #452Senior Lady Vibe on June 15, 2011 at 10:45 am

    450: Mel says:
    “The Secret Life of Bees”? I like that one too!

    OK, got it! Thanks. I was looking in library but didn’t have right title.

    xoxo
    SLV



  453.  #453turquoise3 on June 15, 2011 at 11:19 am

    Thanks FW, I was posting from an Ipod touch… maybe that’s why?

    Dawn, appreciate your words. Maybe I think too much and don’t express my feelings enough….

    Today I feel hormonal.



  454.  #454Brenda on June 15, 2011 at 11:19 am

    Mel,

    RE: #415 – I’ve been trying to find foster families, and it’s far easier said than done.



  455.  #455Brenda on June 15, 2011 at 11:21 am

    SLV,

    RE: #439 – Good ideas about housing! Thanks! I’ll look into it!



  456.  #456Daria on June 15, 2011 at 11:31 am

    ohmogosh getting ready to type i got a lil wave of dread

    feeling afraid of being judged for what i typed tonight

    im so used to keeping my social life completely separate from home life or other lives etc etc

    i love me



  457.  #457Daria on June 15, 2011 at 11:45 am

    and… that did not happen

    how interesting to notice my own patterns and habits