Is He Tied Up?

Untitled design (14)

Here are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, “Home At Last,” by Steely Dan:

I know this super highway
This bright familiar sun
I guess that I’m the lucky one
Who wrote that tired sea song
Set on this peaceful shore
You think you’ve heard this one before

Well the danger on the rocks is surely past
Still I remain tied to the mast
Could it be that I have found my home at last
Home at last

She serves the smooth retsina
She keeps me safe and warm
It’s just the calm before the storm
Call in my reservation
So long hey thanks my friend
I guess I’ll try my luck again

Well the danger on the rocks is surely past
Still I remain tied to the mast
Could it be that I have found my home at last
Home at last

So – though there can be many interpretations of this song – everyone agrees it’s about the story of Odysseus, sailing past Siren Island deliberately, his ears unplugged so he can hear the Sirens sing, and yet stay safe from their “deadly” allure because he’s “tied to the mast.”

Some men stayed tied to the mast their whole lives. They want to get close to us, but can’t.

I interpret this song as “wanting” home – and yet discovering that “home” is actually the open road.

It’s the moving. Home is not a “place” or any one woman. Home is the space between places, between women.

If this is what you’re dealing with in the men you meet, are attracted to, and attract – men who have wanderlust so deeply embedded into their minds and hearts that, no matter how much they want what you have, they can’t stay put to have it – here’s how to be a Siren:

If he’s not crashing his boat on your rocks, if he’s not climbing over stones and broken glass to get to you, if he’s not acting the actions of a man who wants nothing better in  his life than to be with you – then let him sail by.

The pull on a Siren’s heart of a man she loves can be immeasurably deep – and she can feel it all.

And yet, she gets to choose whether or not to take what it is he has to offer.

If he’s “between” – and you’re a safe, warm “stopover” – sometimes that can feel good, for the moment. It can also hurt like anything.

For me – being a “safe, warm stopover” is not what I want in a man or my love life. Melancholy has lost it’s appeal for me. I’d rather play on Siren Island until the real thing shows up.

That’s what I did. I overruled my old ways of looking at men, chemistry, and what counted as a “relationship.”I chose to see my husband, long ago, as “the real thing,” and he’s never let me down in the big picture.

Waking up every morning to man who puts me first is now my feel-good-real-life. The old days of desiring “the man out of reach” are now boring and…old.

Desire is a funny thing. I believe desire is awakened in us when desire comes AT us. When we experience that desire as connected to our real inner selves, and not anything we “said” we were.

Love doesn’t make me “want more.” Love makes me more of me.

Love, Rori

Posted in

228 Comments

  1.  #1Lilybelly on November 16, 2015 at 2:36 pm

    Lovely..



  2.  #2Millie on November 16, 2015 at 8:37 pm

    I want “the real thing” so badly….
    I feel like the worst siren in the world. I hate seeing myself become needy, sad, lonely… Longing for love and attention. I hate when that part of me rules. I see myself push people away…. And then try to pull them back… Why do I do that?!!! Ughhh I’ve been so off kilter these past few days I don’t even know what to do but cry.



  3.  #3Femininewoman on November 17, 2015 at 6:03 am

    Again I say Millie “let yourself off the hook”.



  4.  #4Emerson on November 17, 2015 at 6:14 am

    This is beautiful Rori…
    I have taken a few steps away from the old “stopover” routine….by blocking men out of my life that have proven to be unreliable and just toying with me. It’s not worth it.



  5.  #5Turquoise on November 17, 2015 at 8:54 am

    Thank you for the reminder about crashing his boat on my rocks…. that’s what I want and need… the action that backs it all up. I want that urgency from someone, that nothing will keep them away.

    That’s the difference that needs to happen for me to commit to someone. Not just the this feels nice for now feeling…. the assurance that they want me and only me and won’t let me go. That I’m worth the drive, the scheduling, the time. Yay! Thank you Rori…. I needed to read that.

    Someday is stepping up more than I expected. I’m pleasantly surprised. He’s my favorite right now. 🙂

    Happy is new to my rotation, not divorced yet, but local as everyone else lives almost an hour away, fun to talk to, and very positive, optimistic, great smile.

    Guy friend…. eh…. doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere, but things are ok.

    Another guy I went out with before knight, that gave me presents on our date…. I’m not sure I named him, but we still text here and there. He would be the most likely to crash his boat on my island, as he’s very intense. I’m not sure I feel anything romantic for him, but open to seeing if feelings grow.

    I want a singing man. Love that. Piano man sang to me…. miss that.

    Now if I could just find a man who brings me flowers… my CD rotation would be in pretty good shape!



  6.  #6Lucy on November 17, 2015 at 8:57 am

    I’ve always loved this song, Rori.

    The legend of Odysseus is a beautiful one. The wife, Penelope, stays at home waiting for her husband to return from war. She just KNOWS he will.

    She waits.

    My man has been flakey and unreliable, and I finally told him that I didn’t know if I could have sex with him again. He could certainly try to ask me out, but it depended on my mood.

    Surprisingly, he said “I only want to make love to you when you want it.”

    He hasn’t been any less loving in his emails, and he says “I love you” over and over again.

    Just goes to show….men are not just after sex. They want the real thing.

    I’m enjoying his verbal compliments and letting him row. And I am talking to other men.

    Lucy



  7.  #7Femininewoman on November 17, 2015 at 9:08 am

    Hi Lucy.

    I wonder whatever happened with Miss Bells and Ruth?



  8.  #8Millie on November 17, 2015 at 11:44 am

    Hahahha oh Feminewoman, why am I always so hard on myself?!

    Ladies, quick question… What do you think/feel when a man you are dating (very early on) asks if you are on birth control and expresses their desire not to use condoms?
    Personally I feel a bit icky about that suggestion, especially before the exclusivity talk. I feel a huge desire to protect myself sexually and wonder why men don’t seem to want that for themselves. They choose pleasure over safety. What are your thoughts?



  9.  #9Tee on November 17, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    #8 Millie, ew just ew! If he’s not exclusive with you & he’s asking that question, I would wonder how many other women he has asked. How many have actually agreed to his terms? It is icky.



  10.  #10Starla on November 17, 2015 at 3:42 pm

    Pretty much every guy I’ve dated has expressed contempt for condoms. But We were always in our 20s…. I kinda assumed that that’s something immature people focus on. If this guy is older, I guess they don’t grow out of it. Anyway, in your situation, I’d abstain entirely from sex until commitment and a clean std test. This has been my approach with many of my partners and it works great. I feel so grateful for my clean sexual health.



  11.  #11Femininewoman on November 17, 2015 at 4:42 pm

    Millie guys I know want the feeling and the condom get in the way of that.



  12.  #12Dixie on November 17, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    Sirens,

    My dad had a heart attack. I’m still processing this….it looks like it happened last week, a mild one, but apparently he’s been having chest pains this week so now he’s wearing a heart monitor just to see if things have calmed down.

    Anyhow, I feel so out of it. Im heading there tonight, and if possible, may take a couple of days off just for moral support.

    I’m feeling such a mess of emotions – the need to be strong, the need to be a comfort, and the need to be comforted.

    I don’t want to cry because I’m so close to my parents that this really scares me, and suddenly it’s so clear to me that I need presence in a man. Just presence and consistency.

    Anyhow, I’m heading out now to see them. Thanks Sirens just for being here. I really wanted to reach out to D but this right now feels better.



  13.  #13Millie on November 17, 2015 at 5:15 pm

    Femininewoman– yeah I understand why men ask but I think after two dates is a little premature.

    ((Dixie))



  14.  #14Lilybelly on November 17, 2015 at 7:32 pm

    Millie~

    Eww. Your desire to protect yourself is right on.



  15.  #15Lilybelly on November 17, 2015 at 7:33 pm

    Hugs, Dixie. Big ginormous hugs.



  16.  #16Indigo on November 17, 2015 at 8:57 pm

    ((((Dixie)))) I know how helpless and scared you feel when one of your parents gets seriously ill. Sending you lots of support and warm hugs.

    Feminine Woman, I loved the quote about self-soothing on the previous thread. I would add that a good cry every now and again does wonders. Tears cleanse the soul.



  17.  #17Lovergirl on November 17, 2015 at 9:04 pm

    (((Dixie)))



  18.  #18Lovergirl on November 17, 2015 at 9:05 pm

    Millie- that seems pretty typical to me. Most guys will go without a condom if a woman will allow it.



  19.  #19Indigo on November 17, 2015 at 9:06 pm

    Azure Blu (from the previous thread),

    Things are going fine with Bush Boy. We text or email once every couple of days. He sent me a picture of him in his room on Sunday and that was really nice, just to see his face, something nice and normal.

    Things are very hectic there for him. He is working long hours and weekends. I know this work is a goal for him and I feel very happy for him. It’s work I’m so supportive of. It feels in some ways like dating someone who’s in the military.

    I’m not dating anyone else. I have no desire to. I don’t feel right about it. So I am circular dating with my friends, my family, my interests… I have started a weekly dance class, and I have just become a trustee of my complex where I live. All of that keeps me very busy.



  20.  #20Emerson on November 17, 2015 at 9:58 pm

    (((Dixie)))
    (((Dixie’s Dad)))



  21.  #21Emerson on November 17, 2015 at 10:19 pm

    Ah yes…is he tied up…or crashing his boat on the rocks…
    This has me thinking about what I perceive as “weak” men….
    Men who just gravitate to what is “easiest” and the path of least resistance….

    Men who are emotionally unavailable and choose relationships they are not “happy” in and still try to have their cake on the side (me) and eat it to…
    I feel furious about this…

    And unsure how to process it with myself aside from just ignoring this man altogether…

    A man I know has feelings for me, but chose someone else to live with and ‘be’ with…yet still wants me in his life and wants my affections too…which i will NOT give to him, in fact I’ve been ignoring him completely but I feel enraged!!!!!



  22.  #22Femininewoman on November 18, 2015 at 2:26 am

    (((((((((((Dixie))))))))))))



  23.  #23ruth on November 18, 2015 at 2:41 am

    Hi FW
    Im still here, but I lurk more than post

    Hugs for Dixie xx



  24.  #24Femininewoman on November 18, 2015 at 7:34 am

    Wish you’d pop in more often Ruth and it’s great to see you.



  25.  #25Azure Blu on November 18, 2015 at 8:45 am

    (((Dixie)))
    hugss, love and comfort for you right now!!!



  26.  #26Azure Blu on November 18, 2015 at 8:48 am

    Indigo #19
    thank you for sharing… :-))
    These interactions feel warm and connected to me!
    Your CDing sound lovely!!
    YOUR life is very full and sunshiny!!
    Dance classes… I love dance classes… I need to start again!
    ooxoxo



  27.  #27Lovergirl on November 18, 2015 at 2:56 pm

    So I finally caved in and leaned forward and sent the millionaire man a text. I hadn’t heard from him in a week.

    Me: Just checking to see if you’re still alive 😉
    Him: Hey Sexy! I’m sorry! I’m in Italy right now and it’s tough to communicate.
    Me: Wow! Sounds wonderful! I’m surprised you were even able to send a text!
    Him: I’m sure it’s expensive. I get some international texts. It is hit or miss…

    According to Tinder, he’s still 11 miles away….



  28.  #28April Rose on November 18, 2015 at 4:42 pm

    ((((((Dixie))))))

    Sending healing love to your Dad.



  29.  #29April Rose on November 18, 2015 at 4:42 pm

    Ruth!

    Hello Sweetie!!!

    Are you still in Wales?



  30.  #30Emerson on November 18, 2015 at 6:45 pm

    Hi Sirens, hoping Dixie’s Dad is doing better.
    You just never know what is going on in other people’s lives…people could be going through anything.

    It’s hard getting old…I’m working with an elderly population at this time in public health, and it’s so rewarding and difficult at the same time.

    it really drains a lot of emotional inventory out of me, because I really care. I wouldn’t want to be any other way. It’s sometimes too much though. I have another assignment coming up, so I feel grateful for the variety.

    I had to set some boundaries at work to make my job work for me, and I did it in a calm and assertive way. It all worked out the way I wanted! I have to remember to advocate for myself. I am my own CEO. And I’m still a siren.



  31.  #31Millie on November 18, 2015 at 8:17 pm

    Femininewoman– I read the article you posted on the last thread about vulnerability vs neediness! I found it really helpful and cleared up some confusion I had!! I think one think I need to work on is being able to soothe myself… Definitely! Thank you!!



  32.  #32Indigo on November 18, 2015 at 9:05 pm

    Sirens,

    So here’s a thought: You know how our masculine men crave appreciation for the things they do/problems they solve etc.?

    Do you find that when you are in your masculine energy at work, that you crave appreciation too? And find yourself pulling away and getting very demotivated if you don’t get it? I do. My masculine energy inside me which I use at work is very enthusiastic and loves to solve problems and make things better and easier, but feels so resentful and closed up when it’s not appreciated. It makes me not want to try. I’m thinking of switching to my feminine energy even if it means things not getting done, because doing it the other way is draining me.



  33.  #33Indigo on November 19, 2015 at 12:08 am

    Sirens,

    I am having a hard time today :/ I am missing Bush Boy, and I’m feeling very demotivated at work. And I can’t wait for my December break. I’m not sure if it’s just hormones, or stress. I suspect it is just things taking a toll on my sensitivity. The two children I look after have been tantrumming a lot and I feel chronically under-appreciated.

    I just want to crawl under the covers and eat cupcakes :/



  34.  #34Victoria on November 19, 2015 at 1:11 am

    Indigo,
    Running/active walking/any form of cardio/dancing/chatting up with new men :-)/dark chocolate (Never cupcakes!)



  35.  #35Indigo on November 19, 2015 at 1:52 am

    Hey Victoria,

    I am lucky in that I have the kind of metabolism where I can eat cupcakes without any negative consequences to my figure 🙂 I do wish I wasn’t at work today though :/

    Don’t think chatting up new men will make me feel any better because I do have strong feelings for Bush Boy in my heart, but I do have a girl catch up dinner with a friend scheduled tonight, so yay for that 🙂 Maybe I can fit in some cardio over the next couple of days.



  36.  #36Victoria on November 19, 2015 at 1:59 am

    Indigo,
    Cupcakes are dealy for my mood, irrespective of my figure. I have read extensively about the effect of simple sugar on your body, and I swear by this.
    Also, I know we should not give advice.
    So let me put it this way.
    You have noticed that I am giving voluntarily exclusivity to a man who 1) is far away, and 2) has not asked me for exclusivity.
    So what would you say to me?



  37.  #37ruth on November 19, 2015 at 2:23 am

    Peeks in
    Hi April Rose
    Yes I am still in sunny Wales(hehehe..its peeing down)

    Indigo, thats an interesting thing about work and appreciation
    It resonates with me



  38.  #38ruth on November 19, 2015 at 2:24 am

    aw, FW
    Just read your post
    I feel all warm and giggly



  39.  #39Indigo on November 19, 2015 at 2:43 am

    Victoria,

    Thanks for your concern, and I feel like I am doing what’s best for me.



  40.  #40Femininewoman on November 19, 2015 at 3:30 am

    I am my own CEO. Love it Emerson.



  41.  #41Emerson on November 19, 2015 at 5:29 am

    Thanks fw:)

    Indigo, sounds to me like you’re burned out….I can relate. When I need a break/vacation ….I feel unappreciated, unmotivated etc….
    It’s also the season for me, dark and cold and I just want to go ho rand sleep after work!



  42.  #42blue rose on November 19, 2015 at 7:26 am

    From like 5 threads ago:

    Dear Femininewoman – thank you! You’ve always been sweet and supportive when I’ve posted on here. I appreciate that.

    Dear Azure Blu – that’s a good question: which tools were most helpful. At the beginning it was so helpful to use the waterwheel tool, and to imagine love coming back to me. I needed to fight the urge to do more – I didn’t feel like I deserved love, I felt I needed to earn it. Rori gave very practical advice on dating in America – the man is supposed to pay. You are allowed/expected to date more than one person (it doesn’t mean have sex with all of them if you don’t want that) – these were things that really shook me up and changed my vibe. Circular dating was crucial. The man I’m engaged to jokes around about how I was dating other people before he “locked” me down. Rori’s videos are helpful, the reminders that men will treat you how you let them, that you need to remember that you are the prize. I literally say to him every few days “you are lucky to have me”. I swear to god I do. And he agrees. He is younger than me, very educated, has a great career, treats me so well. Without Rori and my therapist, I would have run away from this opportunity – because of nutty thoughts like I don’t deserve it. We all deserve love, its what being human is about. xoxo



  43.  #43Colleen on November 19, 2015 at 8:07 am

    Hi there-
    I am currently going through a devastating breakup with my boyfriend of 3+ years. He recently told me that he wasn’t sure he wants to get married or have kids. But around this time last year we were looking at rings and have always talked about taking the next step. He even told my friends that he was going to marry me. We lived together for about 2 years so my whole life has turned upside down by not seeing him or talking to him everyday. In the beginning of the breakup we had to communicate for logistics but now there has been no communication. I know he loves me but I’m not sure what he wants. I just don’t understand why he would pull away and let go of the one thing that was going well for him in his life. I do wish I hadn’t contacted him as much in the beginning because I think I just annoyed him and pushed him further away. I am trying my best not to text or call him and wait for him to be the one that initiates communication. Does anyone have any advice for me?



  44.  #44Colleen on November 19, 2015 at 8:40 am

    Hi-
    I am going through a devastating breakup with my boyfriend of 3+ years. He recently told me that he is not sure if he wants to get married or have children. This comes after years of talking about taking the next step, looking at rings, etc. He even told my best friend that he was going to marry me. My world has turned upside down since we lived together and no longer see or talk to each other. I know I made a mistake in the beginning by trying to talk to him and I think I only pushed him further away. He said he needs space and I’m finally learning now how to give it to him. It’s heartbreaking to not hear from the person who you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. I know I need to give him his space and time and focus on myself for once. I was always concerned about taking care of him and making him happy and by doing that, I put myself on the back burner. Does anyone have any advice for me? Do you think he will ever come back?



  45.  #45Starla on November 19, 2015 at 9:47 am

    Hi ladies, I took the day off 🙂 I have been feeling GREAT but I always save my sick days for when I’m at a mental or physical breaking point. I have a bunch of sick time banked so I decided to enjoy a day of nothing before I’m at the point of desperately needing it. Imagine that! What a nice way I showed love to myself.

    I don’t feel particularly connected to my job. It is very masculine in nature, as has been most of my career. There are feminine, creative aspects of the field, but my career has moved beyond those levels and I just feel like I’m going to battle every day. I don’t want to slay dragons for my paycheck. I wouldn’t mind taming them though;). I am actually a very skilled dragon slayer, but I want to use that side of me for something else – social justice, keeping a nice home, self improvement, etc. Not generating money for a big company.

    I am starting school in January to change careers to something softer and more healing and loving. I feel so relieved that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I’m finally coming to terms with admitting that I am a woman who hopes to do feminine things with her time and who doesn’t do well with masculine expectations. But when I say it out loud, I feel like I need to couch it with “but I’ve proven for years and years that I can out-man any man in hard work, business, success, etc.” Like I’m just a lazy b**** if I haven’t spent a lot of time already being super ambitious. Like I should apologize for my nature and for wanting to be happy.

    I do sooo very much just want to be happy and feel like my true self. My true self is loving and full of healing and caring energy. My true self can feel what another person needs. My true self is intuitive and compassionate. My true self loves supporting others and does not want to be the leader unless there is no one else to do the job. My true self also knows very well how to effectively lead, and I look forward to leading MYSELF.



  46.  #46Starla on November 19, 2015 at 9:48 am

    “Is He Tied Up?”

    Yes, in the closet. How often do you think I should change his water bowl?



  47.  #47Shealie on November 19, 2015 at 9:56 am

    Hello. I submitted my first comment last night a couple of threads back and am still in moderation, but that’s ok. Hopefully it’ll show up eventually. Just want to say I’ve been lurking for the month since I discovered Rori and her life-changing philosophy on how to expect to be treated in a relationship, and I want to say thank you to the Sirens here for all of the excellent insight into what makes a man tick (I’ve been married, and more than once, you’d think I’d know by now but I don’t!). I won’t get to comment much, but I’m reading everything I can here on the site, going back to older posts, etc. I’ve bought Rori’s complete collection and am in the process of learning the real way, the diva way, to enjoy a relationship to its fullest. Hope I’m not too late to save the one I’m in, but if I am, at least I’ll have the proper tools to carry me through to the next one.

    “I didn’t feel like I deserved love, I felt I needed to earn it. Rori gave very practical advice on dating in America – the man is supposed to pay. You are allowed/expected to date more than one person (it doesn’t mean have sex with all of them if you don’t want that) – these were things that really shook me up and changed my vibe. Circular dating was crucial.”

    Thank you for that entire post, blue rose @ #42. WOW did it resonate. I will save it to the archives. My guy told me early on, before he suddenly started withdrawing, that many men would LOVE to be in my company, but I doubted every word. Just flat didn’t see how that could be, so I pooh poohed him and he hasn’t said it since. I’ll share more on him later, for now I’m reading and absorbing and enjoying you all. Hello Sirens! Hope there’s room for one more at the table!



  48.  #48Turquoise on November 19, 2015 at 1:25 pm

    Have you all noticed how much time we spend feeling like we have to explain ourselves or defend our choices? It’s exhausting. I don’t want to do that. I just want to feel safe and comfortable in my own skin… without the need for approval and acceptance from others.

    So I had an AHA moment yesterday….. Someday called me on his way home from work (he has an hour commute) and we had a lovely conversation that after an hour and a half and me saying twice that I should get going. On the one side, since he lives so far away, those conversations can feel almost like a date… we laughed and he shared all sorts of things, I feel closer and more connected. But on the other hand…. I wonder if that lessens the urgency to see me. Like the imaginary girlfriend who listens and flirts and says sweet things… and how great that makes him feel…. but then is that enough to tide him over so he’s not crashing his boat on my rocks? I have a busy weekend… he has a busy weekend, so probably not going to see each other… and that’s ok, I have a lunch date with a guy I met online a couple months ago, on Saturday (not interested in him romantically, but he’s sweet), my ex is in town until Saturday and I’ll see him tomorrow.. and I’ll see guy friend all weekend with our kids’ activities… so I have some guy energy going on…. but I want a guy who misses me and says how much they want to see me even when we can’t. Someday doesn’t say stuff like that to me. He’s kinda reserved in person. Very smiley though, awesome kisser… I enjoyed our date very much. So, what do you all think…. are long conversations a substitution for them to actually spending time with us? We don’t regularly talk on the phone. This was only the second time we talked for a long time.



  49.  #49Azure Blu on November 19, 2015 at 5:14 pm

    starla…
    Hope you are enjoying your day off!!!

    What is your new career that starts with a brand new Year!! ??



  50.  #50Azure Blu on November 19, 2015 at 5:39 pm

    Blue Rose…
    Thank you so much for sharing your list of tools that have helped you on your Happy-ever-after journey!
    It is VERY interesting and Helpful to hear how you incorporated them into your life!
    Ahhh… acknowledgment of being the PRIZE!!
    I hadn’t thought of that!
    oxoxo



  51.  #51Femininewoman on November 19, 2015 at 7:01 pm

    its what being human is about – love it blue rose.



  52.  #52Indigo on November 19, 2015 at 8:57 pm

    Turquoise,

    My 2 cents is this: I don’t think long phone conversations make him want to see you less. How available is he overall? Have you guys had a few dates? Does he still make an effort to want to see in person, or is there something preventing him from doing that? If it’s more of a long distancey type thing, then the phone conversations could be a way to feel closer to you while he can’t be with you in person. If he’s not far away is there another reason why he can’t see you? If there’s no real reason, then yes, be patient and watch for when he sets another date.

    The other thing is, do these long phone conversations feel good to you? For me personally, being introverted and not having a lot of free time in my day to speak on the phone, I find lengthy conversations quite draining. But you’ve spoken about them before so perhaps you enjoy them. Go with what feels good…



  53.  #53Turquoise on November 19, 2015 at 9:37 pm

    Hi Indigo,
    Someday and I started talking at the end of May, and met in July. We had a really nice date… Talked for 4 hours over dinner. We kept in touch for awhile, but once my girls’ schedule got busy, and his mom had a surgery… We stopped texting and didn’t see each other again in person. When Knight started flaking, I sent Someday a text just to say hi and he responded so warmly, we texted back and forth for a bit and kept in touch a little. When everything was ending with Knight, I was determined not to just sit around and feel sad… So I reached out again and since then, he’s been keeping in touch with daily contact. We went out to dinner last weekend and he came over to watch a movie. All those trust issues, feeling like knight was being dishonest… None of them are here with Someday. Everything he’s told me, checks out. He recently told me all these things he remembered about our first date, including exactly what I was wearing. His situation is that he lives an hour away from me, and he’s an hour from work, in the other direction. He works full time and takes care of his ailing mother. This weekend he has a lot planned… Going to a college football game with his cousin over night, he’s a hunter… So something with getting his gun ready, and he has family coming to visit for Thanksgiving do getting ready for that. My daughter is in a play all weekend and I have some other things planned as well. We do intend to spend time together next weekend and I’m looking forward to it. 🙂
    Ok so the conversations… I actually really enjoy them. He called today and at first sounded really blah, rough week at work… But he opened up and shared a lot, and has commented that I know more about him than anyone so it feels good that we are getting closer and testing the trust waters. With the distance we will be limited on seeing each other. So you know what… I’m not going to worry about the long conversations right now. We are connecting, and I’d rather talk than text endlessly. Esecially when he’s driving.
    My guy friend texted me today and said it had been a rough few days, he found his tenant unresponsive and he later died. He was really sad. I saw him at play pickup and gave him a big hug. We texted some more tonight… Have a favorite tv show in common and he talked about how much he missed taking dance lessons. One of the things I really like about him is that he surprises me. He’s this kinda rough looking, pierced, tattooed guy… Yet went to college for drama and was a dance minor. He said ballroom was his favorite. 🙂
    Indigo… One thing I want to share… CDing is a nice distraction. It’s nice hearing from other men and knowing someone is thinking about you, even if it’s just a friend. Because you know what… My girl friends don’t hug the way my guy friend does. Xoxo



  54.  #54Indigo on November 19, 2015 at 11:13 pm

    Turquoise,

    Thanks, I have plenty of friends, including guy friends, and they are there for me a lot. And I have family too. I lean on all of them plenty. I am not lonely or unfulfilled in any way. The situation I am in now is what I am choosing for myself.

    I don’t want to be pressured about CDing other men. I have my own reasons for not wanting to so I don’t see why I should. If that is a prerequisite for being on this blog, maybe I should not be on this blog any more.

    I am really happy to hear about Someday, it sounds promising. And all the stuff you have going on sounds very cool. Sounds like you have a very full life.



  55.  #55Victoria on November 20, 2015 at 12:34 am

    Turquoise,
    I have been in a relationship when we had endless (but lovely) conversations and little physical time together, so I can relate.
    It gets old with time. I also discovered that my main “love language” is physical touch, and when I don’t get that, nothing really compensates for it.
    The other thing I leart is that you can’t really change his behavior. I have tried to “coax” him to see me more in various ways (hinting it is better to see each other, saying directly that I prefer to see each other, trying to have less long conversations). The last was the most difficult thing to do because I absolutely LOVED our conversations. Looking back to it, I probably was not ready for more physicall contact and so he was mirroring me… who knows.



  56.  #56Mandy on November 20, 2015 at 7:58 am

    There’s this man, M, who’s trying to take me from my Valentine, lol.

    Thing is I’m all about Valentine, but M is like…seriously barking up my tree. This man admired me from afar and my friend benefited from it. He told her he liked me and she snatched him up and she told me he was like, the one and everything. But he was too indecisive.

    He told me all this yesterday. He originally wanted to get to me but she caught him before I did. No matter…

    Point is, he’s been admiring me for like a year. Just went out on first date and this man is a brilliant business man, and if I felt that connection with him, he could move us out to San Diego.

    I see clearly what’s happening here. I have felt this way before about wealthy men. Very very intimidated and weird and WEIRD. Like I go pick, when someone wants to spoil me.

    I can feel it! ICK!

    ICK ICK ICK!

    okay…so…what is my issue with this? Is it because I am an Air Force brat and we were told by our dad that what we got was good enough and be thankful for it, so everything was subsidized?

    We had some money but always thought like we didn’t, so that was how we kept what we had and maintained an air of middle class.

    Wow I am feeling incredibly confused and weird. I really wish this stuff didn’t happen when I wasn’t ready.

    I see another issue. I totally have my heart set on Valentine. But I can never see him. he’s all the way across town and we can’t get tog each other. I don’t know what to do about that. He says he wants to meet up with me but I am never given a time. What should I do there? This man has debilitating ADHD, and I know from dealing with my own twin brother, it can be very hard to deal with. You can’t organize anything to save your life and i know because I’m the same way. However I made an effort to come see him and he hasn’t made too much of one to see me, you see, I took a cab to come see him and he put an end to that right quick. He said he didn’t want me spending my money on him, so I was thinking, okay, that’s kind of sweet but there goes my way of seeing him. Very confusing. Help?



  57.  #57Femininewoman on November 20, 2015 at 8:04 am

    I don’t think one hour away is long distance for a relationship. When a man really wants to see a woman he will go miles and hours driving. That I have experienced. The long conversations can create the illusion of a relationship. I know first hand what that kind of experience is. Then the guy just drops off the radar. Turquoise I’d check how similar this is to the interactions with Knight,



  58.  #58Azure Blu on November 20, 2015 at 8:24 am

    (((Indigo#51))))
    I’m feeling confused…
    You have been on Siren Island for a long time…
    when was it ever a prerequisite to CD??

    We all simply give suggestions that work for us…
    just as you do…

    We all are honored by your warm, lovely presence here… and cherish All the time and authentic, loving energy you share with us!!
    Kisses and huggs darling one!!!

    All us Sirens quit CDing off and on throughout our
    dating life.

    You sound calm and happy with your choices…
    I remember reading a few days ago that you seemed a little agitated
    maybe that is why several of us have
    thought is was because you were missing Bush Boy.

    I know CDing helps me keep feeling more Sireny…

    I didn’t know you had decided on exclusivity!!!
    that is why i asked…
    I respect your decision!

    I have decided on exclusivity quite a few times for ME!!
    and I was always happy I did!!
    oxoxo



  59.  #59Azure Blu on November 20, 2015 at 8:28 am

    Mandy…
    You are doing sooooo GREAT!!!
    How long has it been since J moved out?

    Ahhhh… the wonderful peace that comes with having your own space after a tumultuous relationship!!!

    i’m reminded of what Victoria #52 just posted for Turq.
    “Looking back to it, I probably was not ready for more physicall contact and so he was mirroring me… who knows.”



  60.  #60Mandy on November 20, 2015 at 8:36 am

    I am probably a safe warm stopover, but I actually need to stopover right now and breathe for a second. I picked him in order to be what I needed right now, and i don’t feel negative about it at all. I’m just feeling frustrated because while I’m stopping to breathe and snuggle in, this incredible guy comes my way who could set us up for the rest of our lives right now.

    Here’s this man who’s basically looking for a wife and a man who i feel incredibly good with just snuggling and having no expectations, just melting together and not caring if the world collapses around us. It is what I need right now but this other man is about to battle for his place with me. This other man who I don’t know as well is definitely stepping up more probably because he can because he has no kids and is very wealthy. He is better equipped to care for a woman and a child…and as we all know, when the conditions are favorable, an organism will seek to reproduce and I think that’s what is going on..LOL. Nature…is driving him to seek me, one of the juiciest peaches on the tree, as far as he’s concerned, and he’s told me to my face he IS going to steal me from Valentine. I feel VERY weird letting it happen but I am letting it happen anyway..and just looking to the Sirens to guide me…I feel so weird..lol…my DAD even told me go for it, go to dinner with him, see what happens. He was actually very happy to hear I have a date with a happy, well taken-care of man.



  61.  #61Shealie on November 20, 2015 at 8:53 am

    I’m a new kid on the block and am trying to leave comments but they’re still in moderation, one from two nights ago. Perhaps they were too long…



  62.  #62Turquoise on November 20, 2015 at 11:22 am

    I’m sorry Indigo… don’t want to make you feel pressured at all. I have given exclusivity many times. My comment was because someone else commented that BB hadn’t asked you for exclusivity. That’s where my concern was. But we only get a small glimpse of what you are thinking and feeling… and you sounded upset a few days ago, I assumed it was related to not getting to see him enough. I’m glad you are feeling good about everything and hope this all works out for you, exactly how you want it to. 🙂

    FW, I actually think this says a lot more about me than it does about the men. Because I do love to talk, and I don’t have a lot of free time… so talking on the phone, in privacy, laughing and joking… about serious things and family… all feels very connected to me.

    What’s similar about Someday and Knight… they both live about an hour away from me and work hard. That is about it. Knight was very over the top about us, making me feel off kilter. I liked what he said… but I didn’t trust him, and while I was attracted to him and he had a lot of characteristics I admire… I felt uneasy. He was very affectionate, and complimentary and just…. came on really strong. He sort of intrigued me though…. because I just wasn’t sure about him so I was thinking about him a lot.

    Someday is a dad of a teenage daughter. He takes care of his mom. He works full time and volunteers at a horse farm. He loves football and hunting. I feel a lot of similarities with him as I also have teen daughters, work hard, volunteer and help my family. I have hobbies and interests outside of dating. I completely agree that a man will drive and jump through hoops for a woman he really wants to be with. But there are also only so many hours in a day, and that is where I believe distance can be an issue. If he wanted to come see me after work it would take him about an hour and a half to get to my house, and then he would also have an hour drive home. Getting up at 6, that makes for a long day. Another difference this time, while he has repeatedly commented that he doesn’t date much, took his profile down a long time ago, and isn’t talking to anyone else right now.. he hasn’t asked me for a commitment. We aren’t there yet. What I’m learning from my past experiences, is that until someone can step up and really give me what I want, I’m going to CD. If we happen to fall in love and still only get to see each other on weekends for the most part, I would be ok with that. I just want the man crashing his boat on my island, to be a man whom I don’t doubt. It’s been a long time since I had someone I felt sure of.

    So, while we see where things go with Someday…. I’m keeping my options open and keeping my profiles up. I’m actually going to try CDing more seriously than I have in the past.



  63.  #63Turquoise on November 20, 2015 at 11:28 am

    FW, he also drives an hour to work in the morning… it’s just a lot of driving, so actually it’s been nice taking advantage of his ride home time to talk. If he can’t make time for me, then I will be spending more time with other CD’s or with friends, etc. I feel good about that. I’m not waiting to see his availability either. I did that with Knight.



  64.  #64Femininewoman on November 20, 2015 at 11:44 am

    Turquoise – the only thing that is ringing in my head is excuse, excuse, excuse. Don’t make them for guys.



  65.  #65Zara on November 20, 2015 at 11:58 am

    Mandy

    *****But I can never see him*****
    That says it all. He is not in your reality. It is all in your imagination, in your wishes.
    Remember, he is not in front of you => he does not exist.

    ***** I don’t know what to do about that. He says he wants to meet up with me but I am never given a time. What should I do there?*****
    NOTHING.
    Or rather accept what is and relax into it. What is, is that he does not set up a date with you. It says it all. Wether he could and does not want to or he really can’t, is irrelevant. The result is the same in your life: he does not set up a date with you, he is not part of your reality, he is never in front of you.
    It is not about judging this poor man, it is about keeping you grounded in your own life, open to the men who do exist in front of you.
    Remember? Keep on your bridge, let men come to you and keep your lovely energy for the humans that do exist in your reality.

    *****However I made an effort to come see him and he hasn’t made too much of one to see me, you see, I took a cab to come see him and he put an end to that right quick.*****
    Yes, very often when a siren has NO OTHER CHOICE than to make an effort to see a man, it means the man was not meaning to see her for real, and he will put an end to it, sooner or later.
    When a man CAN and WANT to see a woman, he does. HE makes it happen, she does NOTHING.
    Anything else is irrelevant to your happiness.

    *****so I was thinking, okay, that’s kind of sweet but there goes my way of seeing him. Very confusing. Help*****
    From here your words read very clear to me. I don’t feel confused reading you. He does not set a date. He is no meeting you. He is not in front of you.
    You got into your male energy and rode a taxi to him. He said : “NO”

    In short, in your female energy, no meeting happens with him.
    In you male energy, he says :”NO” to the meeting.
    Either way, the real him says “no” to the real you.
    He does not belong to your energetic space.
    He does not belong to your reality.

    xxx



  66.  #66Millie on November 20, 2015 at 12:43 pm

    Ladies, I want to share about my new CD and how amazing I feel after our date last night. Since the topic of distance is coming up, this man lives about 50 miles from me, over an hour away with traffic. We have gone on three dates so far and for all three he has driven to me no questions asked! It feels amazing to be around a very masculine man who seems to be a quality man to me. He is in daily contact with me as well! I have had a lot of moments of insecurity where I wasn’t sure… Moments where I wanted to hit the sabotage button… And last night a moment where I found myself feeling discouraged and disconnected. I saw in myself that I used how I felt to push him away. At one point I even expected him to walk out the door as I was throwing a little but of an emotional withdrawal tantrum. (Shutting down) I even voiced that I thought he was going to leave. I saw in myself that I was kind of testing him, to see if he actually would bail. He didn’t. Instead he talked to me.. He said he didn’t want to leave and reassured me he is interested. After the tension passed, we laughed about it and I felt at ease… Like I can now stop clamming up and pushing people away to avoid intimacy, I can stop being afraid and just sink into it… It’s a nice feeling to trust someone, to feel like you can let your guard down. So I feel really happy with how he handled the situation and I ended up feeling a lot more connected to him.



  67.  #67Turquoise on November 20, 2015 at 1:15 pm

    I’m not making excuses, just think it’s often the reality of dating someone who doesn’t live close by. I dated a guy who lived 3 miles away and didn’t see him much. Doesn’t always make a difference… But like I said. I’m not rushing things, I’m CDing, and staying in the moment.
    Tonight I get to go to my daughters play with my ex… Funny how when I joined the blog a big part of me wanted him back. Now I feel nothing like that. His getting remarried was the closure I needed, and I just don’t think about him that way anymore. No more what if’s…. I’m so glad! Now he’s retired from the army and living 4 hours away… So he will probably be around more. I guess we could be friends, but I feel more like let’s keep this at a professional distance… Lol. Not sure why.
    My guy friend will be there too, so I’ll get to visit with him. Tomorrow I have lunch plans with another guy friend, then play again tomorrow night. May see if any friends are headed out late for drinks, would feel fun to hear a band. Sunday we have the play again, lots of family coming and my girls have friends coming over after for dinner. I do have a little room Sunday that I could do a breakfast or late evening drinks date.. So maybe some extra plans too. Hope you all have wonderful weekends!! 🙂



  68.  #68Turquoise on November 20, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    Thank you Victoria for responding to me. In past situations I know I wasn’t ready for more… But now I feel like screaming I want a serious relationship with lots of sex!!! Lol. My love languages change, but right now I am really craving a physical connection. I haven’t had sex since February. I’m not ok with that. I agree how great it is when they drive to us and I’ve had that consistently since joining the blog. One lesson that did sink in 🙂



  69.  #69Indigo on November 20, 2015 at 1:41 pm

    Azure Blu & Turquoise,

    I love both of you ladies so much. Both of you are so sweet and warm and well-meaning.

    It’s not about promising exclusivity – it’s got nothing to do with promising exclusivity. Do you ever notice how we get so caught up in these terms that we forget to just be in the moment? Well that’s what I’m doing. Just being and enjoying the here and now. It’s really not even about Bush Boy. Yes I feel wonderful about him but this is about me. I do not want to date other guys. This is for my own reasons. Which I don’t want to defend, or even explain.

    I think all the sirens on here are lovely, well-meaning women, but I’m going to be honest that it pisses me off that sometimes I feel we are not allowed to just be on here in our feeling state without it presenting as a problem that someone needs to solve. Sometimes we just are. Feelings just are. I miss him. I’m allowed to. I don’t need anyone to solve this for me. And whilst I understand we give suggestions, which is great and all very well, when a woman says a particular course which she feels is right for her, I really feel we need to respect that and not keep plugging away at the same idea when this idea has been rejected already. It’s not for us to hammer away at each other, however well-meaning we are.

    I love all of you and hope you are all having a peaceful Friday, and have a wonderful weekend. <3



  70.  #70Zara on November 20, 2015 at 1:52 pm

    Copy-pasted from How Circular Dating Works!
    By Rory Raye

    Here’s a great comment from Marilyn in response to a comment by Liquid Light about specific men as Circular Dates and Circular Dating generally (referred to by “Sirens” here as “CDs” and “CDing”) – and it’s so universal, and so a How-To and proof of how it all works – I wanted to make it a post. Thank you, Marilyn!

    “””LL, In the last thread you had mentioned not being “thrilled” about any of your CDs and wondering how to navigate around this.

    My personal experience is that the CDs I felt “thrilled” about did not last. They kind of represented something I needed at the time (fun, novelty) but they never really stepped up for me.

    Rori has written lots about attraction; the men you feel instantly attracted to are often the ones that are all wrong for you. They are often unavailable (physically or emotionally), “bad” boys that live their lives in a way opposite to yours, not ready to commit, or otherwise just not a good fit.

    This is often because the girl herself is not sure what she wants, scared of getting hurt (again), or is subconsciously trying to correct some past “mistake” through this man. These things make her unavailable to real love, and so she attracts men that are equally unavailable. Attracted to men with whom it could never really “work”.

    And so I think this is why Rori advocates that women try to date at least 3 men. Likely one of them will be the “all wrong for you” sort that you feel quite attracted to, and the others will likely feel boring or dull, or brotherly… but you continue to date them all and see what happens.

    In my experience, the thrilling man in my rotation would start out with a bang. Fireworks, lots of initial time together, fun… then would quickly fizzle out; much like a real pyrotechnics display lasts only a short time.

    Then he would sort of poof into smoke and I would feel confused and annoyed. But the other few were still around, asking me out, treating me well…. if they were only not so BORING! lol

    And then a new fixation would enter my rotation, who would then fizzle out, and lo and behold… there were still those couple guys sticking it out. Surely I don’t want to lead them on… but they are being so patient… they know I am dating others but they’re still asking me out, treating me well…. hmmmmm….

    Then strangely enough, I stopped attracting those fire-works-y, bad-for-me, addictive men and started to really appreciate the men around me. One in particular, who once seemed to be unexciting suddenly became more interesting. He was actually quite witty… and very intelligent and super creative. I noticed his sparkly green eyes and his cute bum and handsome smile. I noticed how he treated me with such respect and kindness and manly protectiveness.

    He was there this whole time but I hadn’t noticed. He was patiently waiting… offering me more and more as he sensed me opening up little by little. And soon, before I realized it, he was taking up all of my free evenings. He booked me in advance and often. He basically made it impossible to date anyone else. Naturally, the others fell away because I had no more time for them.

    And this man is now my partner that still treats me like a queen. I’m glad I didn’t dismiss him because of a lack of instant chemistry. Because right now, I don’t think I could feel more attracted to him.

    Marilyn”””



  71.  #71Zara on November 20, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    Copy-pasted from Why Aren’t You Circular Dating
    By Rory Raye

    Okay…just got this from a member of my Customer Service team, Jolene, who helps us all by sorting through all my emails before forwarding them to me…and it was like getting hit with a light bulb…

    “”“Rori, Have you ever posed a question to your bloggers about why they don’t do Circular Dating and continue to try to analyze and wait around for a man? It just seems to me that the letters we get (like the ones you addressed in recent eletters) are from women who still don’t get it. Or maybe they know, but they just don’t want to do it. Why don’t they want to do it? Jolene”””

    And here’s the thing:

    When we’re “into” a man…it’s SO HARD to do anything that feels the slightest bit different. We think we’re being disloyal. We feel guilty.

    Because we’re AFRAID!!

    We’re truly terrified of rocking the boat.

    We’re afraid of making him mad.

    We’re afraid that if WE flirt with other men to keep ourselves strong and diva-like, HE’LL start flirting with other women just to keep EVEN with us!

    AND…I HAVE heard of things like this happening…but NOT for the reason you think!

    Are we so afraid of displeasing a man who has not committed to us that we FREEZE ourselves?

    Are we so afraid of facing, head-on and truthfully, what IS ACTUALLY going on in a relationship that is making US unhappy – that we just tolerate “whatever”?

    That we just…WAIT?

    Now..how does THAT image feel?

    The problem happens when we start Circular Dating to “get back” at a man. or to play “games,” or to “play hard to get.”

    Anything you do on the outside that’s FAKE, that’s meant to cause some sort of reaction in a man is playing with fire, and is working AGAINST YOU.

    What you want to do is BECOME “hard to get.” For REAL.

    That means, you have options, and YOU are in a position to CHOOSE him or….NOT!!

    In other words…where does a man “get off” sewing up your time, energy and love…without life-long commitment? I mean…”Really!”

    Yes, Circular Dating might make your man ANGRY.

    The thing is…so WHAT??!! So WHAT if he gets angry?

    Those of us who’ve lived our lives trying to get what we want and need with sugar and honey, and working to win people over and be liked, and those of us who’ve been actually abused, and so tried to “get along” in order to simply SURVIVE…are afraid of doing ANYTHING that might anger someone else.

    We are always in a position of “explaining” ourselves. We are always concerned about “hurting” him (actually we’re concerned with angering him).

    We always think it’s up to US to “make the peace.”

    And Circular Dating is sort of radical. It’s subversive to all that. It’s putting your OPTIONS ahead of someone else’s feelings. It’s not trying to get what you want by giving someone else what he wants.

    It’s simply being forthright, open, vulnerable, truthful, and pro-active about what YOU want, and allowing everyone (and believe me there are TONS of great men who are despairing of ever finding a woman who actually has HER OWN RUDDER and follows her OWN DREAM) to want to connect to YOU.

    It is becoming the object of desire rather than remaining the “chaser” of desire.

    It’s a completely different way to live your life, in which loyalty and fidelity and exclusivity are EARNED by a man, rather than somehow “expected.” It’s flying in the face of convention and convenience and what we all did in high school. It’s being willing to live without a “boyfriend” because what you want is a ‘husband” and “family.”

    So…no WONDER you’re not Circular Dating? Well – I’m here (we’re ALL here, in this wonderful community) to CHANGE that convention. To CHANGE that “expectation.” To END the “rules” of the “game” as they stand now. And to actually END the GAME.

    There IS no game. Not anymore. There’s only you, what you want and need and deserve, and the men who “get that” and want to be with you.

    There is no more time, energy and love left for any man who does not want you.

    The days of settling for less love are over.

    The days of calling being loved by a good man “settling” just because he doesn’t fit your “mental picture” of what you want in a man…are OVER.

    Circular Dating is not a game. It’s not a strategy. It’s a therapeutic, pro-active Tool to get your Masculine energy engaged in the SERVICE of your Feminine self. It’s a Tool to get you out in the world so you can PRACTICE the Inner work of the Siren you truly are.

    I’m your head cheerleader…so let’s get on with this. Get your toes wet in the ideas of Circular Dating, learn how to do it for REAL. (Not how you imagine I mean you to do it, or how you guess or piece together how I mean for you to do it…there are very subtle and important things about doing this right that make all the difference in how your “vibe” will shift for the good of your life, and doing it half-way or with the wrong mind-set will just keep you where you are and allow you to say “it didn’t work”…when it DOES WORK!!!)

    Let me know how my Targeting Mr. Right program helps you. If you don’t have it yet, take a look at the letter I’ve written around it on my catalog page over on the “sidebar’ here – just that letter alone will help you understand how Circular Dating actually works.

    Let me know how I can best help you to move from focusing on one man to Circular Dating…and to get what you want!

    Love, Rori



  72.  #72Tee on November 20, 2015 at 3:26 pm

    Dearest Sirens,

    My heart still sinks when my man leaves. I’ve stopped asking him where he’s going, for how long and why. Usually I get the scoop after he returns but it’s his leaving that still bothers me.

    It’s the thoughts I tell myself. It’s like he’s saying, F this family…I’m never coming back. Y’all don’t mean anything to me, you’re not important, etc

    I always wonder if it’s another woman but E is moreso of a bar fly than anything else. I can’t say that he’d never cheat (he is a man. Sorry. Lol) but I don’t get that vibe from him.

    I guess my introverted heart doesn’t get his extroverted ways. I’m fine in the house with the family mostly. Seems like E has a threshold of some sort. He needs activity, socialization, movement, air especially if he was off that day and stayed in for a good part of it.

    Sometimes I feel like I’m lying to myself, but other days I see it in our son. Too many hours inside the house, he becomes cranky & will motion for me to take him outside. At least with the baby I’m a participant. With my fiance, he just starts to get dressed.

    My heart sinks as I wonder what he’ll get himself into, what time he’ll be back, etc. I have misjudged him & he was only going to the store or he was only gone for an hour, then I feel like an idiot.

    I’m gonna try to keep my chin up & take it easy.



  73.  #73Zara on November 20, 2015 at 4:03 pm

    Effortlessly Land The Man Of Your Dreams With A Tool That’s A Virtual “Cure All” To End The Struggles Of Dating Or “Go-Nowhere” Relationships

    What if you could eliminate all the uncertainty, struggle and hopelessness from finding yourself in go-nowhere relationships, dating men who suddenly withdraw, or wondering why that one special guy isn’t calling you back?

    What if the process of finding a fulfilling relationship could be not only effortless, but amazingly FUN?

    What would it be like if you felt completely and utterly IRRESISTIBLE because you had your pick of several men who were all bending over backwards to please you?

    Imagine a life where the man you were attracted to called exactly when he said he would – because he didn’t want to lose out on spending time with you.

    Imagine feeling so desired and beautiful because the man you’re attracted to or in a relationship with thinks you’re a valuable and rare “catch.”

    I know there’s nothing more confidence-bashing than a man who doesn’t call back or doesn’t tell you how he feels about you or doesn’t care about making you feel special and precious. It can make you feel downright AWFUL and UNWANTED.

    You’re about to learn how to have a man CHASING YOU and begging you for your time and attention.

    You’re about to learn how to have a man CHASING YOU and begging you for your time and attention. The key is knowing how to use the one powerful Tool that I call “the best-kept secret in the Universe” when it comes to dating and relationships. It’s so powerful and effective, it’s virtually a cure for whatever ails you in love.

    The 3 Big Mistakes Most Women Make That Prevent Them From Getting Their Dream Man…

    So many of us become “lost” the moment we fall for a man. Immediately he becomes the center of our world. But the moment we even THINK about a man as the “center of our world,” his feelings of attraction for us go away. It may feel good to his ego… but it does nothing inside his heart. What makes a man go crazy for a woman is the fact that he might lose her.

    Mistake #1 – Chasing HIM

    You chase him by calling him first, texting him all the time, asking where he was and why he didn’t call, offering to make him dinner when he hasn’t asked you first, talking about your future together or the fact that you’re a couple when he hasn’t expressed that himself… etc. It’s about GIVING without getting much back.

    When you “chase” a man, he’ll back away even further. Even if you’re only thinking about chasing him. It doesn’t matter. The vibe is out there, and he feels it.

    Mistake #2 – Becoming Exclusive Too Soon

    We’ve been taught that the way to go in love is to get a man to commit to us exclusively as quickly as possible.

    The TRUTH is that demanding, expecting, and yes, even wanting “exclusivity” with a man too soon is a demonstration of weakness to him.

    “How could that be?” you ask… It’s like this:

    When a man senses that you’re willing to fully invest yourself in a relationship with him BEFORE he’s ready to commit, it lowers your “Degree of Difficulty” (how hard you are to “get” and his perception of your worth) practically down to zero.

    Mistake #3 – Not Dating At All Or “Dating And Hating It”It’s easy to start feeling that no men measure up to your standards. Or to be afraid of losing the one man you want by dating other men. So you don’t date. Instead, you focus on getting that one man BACK.

    When you narrow down your options like this, you’re giving up your freedom for no reason and missing out on meeting Mr. Right.

    Introducing The Secret Weapon That Ends Go-Nowhere Relationships Forever

    There’s a magic Tool that works practically every time to get a man’s attention, elevate your worth, and get a commitment-phobic man to “snap to” and decide quickly what he wants from a relationship with you. It’s something I call Circular Dating. Circular Dating means dating more than one man at the same time, or dating “yourself” and flirting with other men.

    That’s right… it’s not just about officially “dating” men. It can also be about simply and easily INTERACTING with men in your everyday life, WITHOUT any fear or guilt, without giving out your number or email, and without an actual “date.”

    How Circular Dating Can Help You Target Mr. Right And Get Him To Commit

    1) Circular Dating Stops Neediness, Anxiety And DesperationYou actually start FEELING more interesting and attractive because men see you this way. Your Degree of Difficulty automatically and effortlessly goes up – right along with your self-esteem. You have choices, you’re not sitting around waiting for one man to call, and you’re having a blast meeting different people and doing different, interesting things every weekend.

    2) Circular Dating Makes Him Want You MoreHe’ll suddenly want you MORE, but won’t understand why. He’ll realize there’s a good chance you’ll leave him, and that he has to step up or risk losing you forever. And, if you do it right, he’ll feel pulled toward you by your warmth, openness and inner strength. There is absolutely NOTHING more attractive to a man than a woman who really, truly, is focused on her own needs and does not let her love for a man come before her love for herself.

    3) Circular Dating Lets Him Know What You Want Without “Drama”

    We’re often afraid to tell a man how we feel and what we want because we don’t want to rock the boat.mAt the same time, we’re afraid to let another man pay attention to us, for fear the man we’re with will become upset. But here’s the thing: (and I want you to really HEAR this) him getting upset and angry is the point! BUT… you want him to feel this on his OWN.

    You don’t want to tell him what he’s doing wrong, you don’t want “drama” or neediness and desperation, because that just knocks you backwards with him. Circular Dating will do it FOR YOU. He’ll get that you’re the best woman in his life and that if he doesn’t move quickly and change his behavior he’s going to LOSE you.

    4) Circular Dating Is Free Therapy

    Circular Dating is about using every interaction with a man as your coaching session – where you learn to be the most attractive, desirable and sought-after woman you ever thought possible. You can use Circular Dating when you’re running errands, when you’re at a class, when you’re just walking through a parking lot… anywhere and everywhere! The world of men is your classroom. With every “hello”, every conversation, every interaction, you’ll be one step closer to understanding men better and feeling more confident as a result.

    How A Woman Just Like You Landed Her Perfect Man… Simply By Using The Most Powerful Tool In Her Love Arsenal

    Circular Dating has been a transformational relationship and dating Tool for hundreds of my personal clients. The first time I discovered it was more than 20 years ago, when my live-in boyfriend (now husband) told me that he wasn’t ready to make a life-long commitment to me.

    There I was – living with a man who wasn’t sure he wanted to commit to me or have me in his life. I couldn’t afford to move out, and I really didn’t want to lose him because I loved him. I wasn’t sure what to do at first.

    After feeling completely in despair for a few days, I had a revelation. He could take all the time he wanted to come to a decision about us, but he couldn’t have me all to himself while he was mulling it over! I focused on making myself happy instead of trying to make him happy, and I started the process of Circular Dating. Two weeks later, he proposed to me.



  74.  #74Lilybelly on November 20, 2015 at 4:04 pm

    Tee,

    This feels bad to me; your fiance goes out, doesn’t tell you where he is or when he will return…. in a committed relationship with child, no less. Mmmm, no. It smacks of disrespect and selfishness to me and I feel angry.

    Take care of you and baby but don’t deny yourself the right to feel what you feel in an effort to do RR “right”. Remember, you can and do have wants and don’t wants too. Boundaries etc. Learning to express them in solid, feeling messages, without blame is also being a Siren, honey.

    Xxxooo



  75.  #75Lilybelly on November 20, 2015 at 4:15 pm

    Tee,

    I apologize. I may have projected one of my triggers on your situation but, the second paragraph still feels right for your situation.

    The first, was my trigger and how I would feel and have felt so again, I apologize for projecting my feelings about it on you.

    Xoxo



  76.  #76Tee on November 20, 2015 at 4:17 pm

    #70 LB, thanks. I haven’t truly made peace with this. Some days are better than others. Usually I know where he is, but I know that that’s not the point.

    I haven’t done feeling messages with him at all.



  77.  #77Tee on November 20, 2015 at 4:21 pm

    It’s ok LB its not an easy feeling to navigate. I don’t know what middle ground would be. Him telling me his whereabouts wouldn’t make me feel any less abandoned. Him staying home, in one place at all times just so I can feel safe & cozy won’t help either. This is why I haven’t made peace yet. Actually the truth is, I wouldn’t be ok unless I knew his every action, thought, interaction, mood and move lol but that’s not how life works.



  78.  #78Starla on November 20, 2015 at 4:37 pm

    I’m here to give my opinion as always, lol 😀

    “It’s like he’s saying, F this family…I’m never coming back. Y’all don’t mean anything to me, you’re not important, etc”

    First of all, where did you get that idea from? Surely not from E or you wouldn’t be engaged? Something is forming a core belief that predates this guy that would make you jump to those conclusions.

    Second of all, I would offer to our discussion here that if home becomes a more soft place to land, he will want to stay there more. He should be coming home to get a break from the outside world and not vice versa, extrovert or not. And, whether he’s disrespectful for leaving without telling you where he’s going or not, only you have the power to change the fact that he WANTS to leave without telling you. This means being way less controlling and critical, giving him peace and sovereignty when he is at home, and even some domestic comforts like cooking and cleaning.

    The fact that he leaves without telling you where he’s going and when he’ll be back tells me that he feels he has to answer to you. He’s rebelling against that. But not like a teenager. He’s rebelling like a grown man should. From what you tell me, I can tell he is hungry for more respect at home. He is probably feeling a lot more respected out in the world than he is at home. YOU have the power to change that.



  79.  #79Starla on November 20, 2015 at 4:40 pm

    Please allow me to correcct my words a little bit – what I meant was “Whether he’s disrespectful for leaving without telling you where he’s going or not, only you have the power to change the fact that he WANTS to leave in the first place.”

    I will add that unless he’s leaving without a cell phone and is unreachable in case of emergency, he’s not realllllly doing anything “wrong.”



  80.  #80Tee on November 20, 2015 at 4:42 pm

    I just emailed you Starla lol



  81.  #81Tee on November 20, 2015 at 5:24 pm

    You’re killing me Starla lol but I’m taking everything into consideration. I don’t think I’m that bad :/



  82.  #82Starla on November 20, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    You’re not bad!! This is common and trying to convince the man that he should act differently by shaming him is just not going to work. You have a stubborn masculine guy – and as I keep saying – this is GOOD. And you are not bad. 🙂



  83.  #83Mandy on November 20, 2015 at 6:50 pm

    Zara,

    I feel the need to correct and express myself here….There was a miscommunication…he told me he should be taking care of me, I shouldn’t be paying for a cab, he should, he just didn’t have a job at the time. Now he does.

    Recently, he asked me to come over but I didn’t have enough notice so I declined.

    He is making an effort to meet me at the club I always go to tomorrow night too, which is a very recent development. So I don’t get the idea that he’s saying “no’ to me.

    If he was saying no to both, obviously that would be an issue, but he has asked me to come over, and I couldn’t make it because I was tired.

    So he’s trying. I prefer to stay open to him and keep talking to him. I trust my instincts here, I just need to keep seeing my other CDs.

    I was confused in my earlier post because I wanted to see him, but I see now he is making an effort to meet me tomorrow night.



  84.  #84Mandy on November 20, 2015 at 6:55 pm

    Azure…

    it’s only been a week since J has been out! It’s weird but i like it! 🙂



  85.  #85Sweetpea on November 20, 2015 at 10:31 pm

    Starla #44,

    Rotfl! Hee hee –
    Thanks, Siren!

    Seems your enjoying your day of loving self-care. I felt happy to read that you’re taking a break. You so deserve it!



  86.  #86Zara on November 21, 2015 at 1:32 am

    Mandy

    *****I trust my instincts here, I just need to keep seeing my other CDs.*****
    Yes yes yes
    🙂 This feels soothing to read.

    ***** my DAD even told me go for it, go to dinner with him, see what happens. He was actually very happy to hear I have a date with a happy, well taken-care of man.*****
    I share your Dad’s enthusiasm. Reading about your heart opening to the generosity of Universe, I feel my world opening. It feels hopeful for me, for the world, for the babies to come, for Peace.
    This feels good!

    xxx



  87.  #87Femininewoman on November 21, 2015 at 6:20 am

    Lilybelly and Tee I know it feels bad. And I also know it is a choice. Tee I don’t know your circumstance but I do believe if you had more of a “life” the sting would not be so deep. He goes out. He has to go out. You can too. Think about going out and flirting with other guys. See if you can feel the juiciness and sexual energy rise within you as you flirt. Now imagine carrying that energy back to your guy.

    I believe we feel bad when we don’t engage with life at the degree that our heart desires.



  88.  #88Turquoise on November 21, 2015 at 7:03 am

    Sirens, I had a dream I met this awesome man. Kind, generous, sharp dresser, dark hair and he said he made signs, but I don’t remember his name. My dreams tend to come true…. So I’m feeling excited. One thing though… He had a huge penis, I mean huge. We didn’t have sex in my dream, but were naked in bed together. i took the signs as to look for the signs… But I’m wondering what that big penis means lol.



  89.  #89Lovergirl on November 21, 2015 at 7:17 am

    Well, I heard from the millionaire again last night. He texted me while I was working and said he’s in Boston and can’t wait to get back here, that hopefully he will be able to see me. Tinder still shows him as 11 miles away. Maybe he has it set stuck on there for some reason? Idk.



  90.  #90Emerson on November 21, 2015 at 9:36 am

    Hello Sirens
    Wow Turquoise that is very interesting about the dream…I have dreams that are similar to events that end up happening too…sometimes not exact but there is definitely a connection…
    Maybe the large penis is a sign that the man you meet will be very powerful and masculine…masculine energy so you can be in your feminine energy..?

    I feel curious to hear updates and what happens to you in this next week! I feel optimistic for you!



  91.  #91Azure Blu on November 21, 2015 at 10:17 am

    Lovergirl#85
    GREAT job leaning back with MM!!
    I still believe that it isn’t any of your business where he is this early!
    But to keep your heart open and your boundaries in tack! and you continue to CD!! Wow!! you are a Super Siren!

    It’s early… your giving YOU
    and him space to proceed
    at a comfortable speed!



  92.  #92Azure Blu on November 21, 2015 at 10:23 am

    Tee…
    to me…
    it feels exciting to see how you are observing yourself
    and see when you are triggered… and seems you are sitting with it… loving and respecting YOU for your Feelings…
    My CD Spirit LOVES to be out at the bars…
    he will ask me most of the time to join him…
    and I do try as often as I can…
    But I also want to let him enjoy his man time
    as I have my grilz nights at least once or twice a week!
    I’m curious… does he ever ask you to join him at the bar?
    Maybe you could call in a baby sitter (or friend) and you go to a bar/restaurant and text him to join you…
    Sounds supper romantic and sexy to me…
    I bet he would feel the same!
    And you’d be giving him the idea of how fun it would be to do that with you!
    What do you think?



  93.  #93Azure Blu on November 21, 2015 at 10:31 am

    Indigo…
    Lovely Siren…
    I’m still confused as to why you are feeling so triggered? ;-))

    You have CD off and on just like the rest of us…
    according to what is going on in our lives…
    How burned out we feel… what we need to concentrate on…



  94.  #94Azure Blu on November 21, 2015 at 10:36 am

    Turq & Emerson…
    I’ve had that exact dream (VERY large p*nis)
    last month… and Spirit was in bed with me and we’d just had yummie hot s*x

    I should look up what that dream means…
    :-)))
    I’ve havn’t had much s*x since Spirit started his new job… I noticed he is Extremely stressed out and anxious…
    I’m so impressed by what an incredible job he is doing!!! at the top of the leader board since he started!!



  95.  #95Lilybelly on November 21, 2015 at 10:42 am

    Sirens, please share with me how you CD in a martiage, commited relationship.

    I would feel appreciative of steps/ examples/scenarios.

    Xoxo



  96.  #96Azure Blu on November 21, 2015 at 10:46 am

    I am still Cding RM (dating for 3 months now) we have been seeing each other at least once a week…

    I fussed at him 2 weeks ago about his whining!!!
    It was such a turn off…
    he has this way of making me wrong for us not seeing each other…
    of course I like it that he misses me…
    BUT it’s both of us who are EXTREMELY busy!!

    He turns himself into a victim…

    I was NOT at all a Siren about this!

    I asked him why he liked putting himself
    into a victim roll…
    I told him “I dont’ like whining and I don’t like victims do YOU?”

    I told him I was exhausted and I apologized for raising my voice…
    He has since quit blaming ME for not being able to see each other and he’s stopped whining!!!
    YAYAY!!!

    I had stopped adding to my rotation from POF
    one CD (Tennis Tom) had just poofed?
    no problem…
    another wouldn’t drive to see me…
    I poofed…
    and I am sooo busy with my clients (A wonderful thing)
    I didn’t really have time to go online and add anyone.

    This weekend I have started talking to 2 more…
    really being more picky about the distance…
    and politics and religion and level of activity they like..



  97.  #97Lovergirl on November 21, 2015 at 11:35 am

    Lillybelly 91-

    I’m just throwing out ideas because I didn’t CD while I was married, but I think the general idea is to get yourself out there doing things that focus on you and where men may be, but you aren’t actually “dating” them.

    Maybe take a dance class? Not usually a lot of men there, but sometimes, depending on what type of dance you choose (I know some guys that have taken Salsa). Or a fitness class- crossfit has men and women. Or try a girls night or other activity that has you out in public, even if its with other women.



  98.  #98Sapphire on November 21, 2015 at 12:31 pm

    Lilybelly
    I took myself off to a local coffee shop today and then out clothes shopping while my husband was at home in a low mood. Was inspired by Zara’s copy and paste of CD articles.
    Tomorrow night I am off out for a meal with two of my girlfriends and their partners. My husband was meant to be coming also but as he is in a low mood he not want to come. Normally I would probably cancel and not go myself but this time I am still going. Its scary but I need to do this.
    What feels good to you to do. What activities do you enjoy.
    Sapphire xx



  99.  #99Zara on November 21, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    1
    Woman: I would like to know how …

    Pat: WOULD LIKE??? 2 people want to buy a car. One would like, the other wants to. Who’s got the money?

    Woman: I WANT to know how…

    Pat: You know what? When you say “I would like”, it better be “I would like to live on Pluto”. “Would like” is delusional, prejudicial and you signal your listener you don’t expect to get it…
    “I WANT!” …
    But is “I want” impolite? No! It’s potent!
    Men want “SPECIFIC”… (Pat stops herself and says in a manly voice 🙂
    => “I want YOU

    (Pat goes back to her natural voice and says:)
    Pat: We women say=> “I want to be married and living in California”
    We want “GENERAL”.
    “SPECIFIC” is what come in our view and we go “ohhhhhh! That one fits the “I want to live in California”

    So men want …. (Pat stops herself and asks around:)
    Pat: How many guys are left handed men here? (She counts around)
    Ambidextrous? (She counts around)
    Left handed men and ambidextrous men and biological gay men whose brain is still female, they want “GENERAL”.
    When you are a woman, you think AND feel.
    Right handed men think OR feel.

    So he is watching a ball game, ladies, and you ask him a question, he is not going to record, because you got to “youhuuuuu honey?” You got to use one of my tools….

    (Pat looks back at the woman and says:)
    Pat: So, ask your question!

    Woman: I want to know how to break the crazy cycle.

    Pat: What crazy cycle?

    Woman: So, I am not feeling…. mmm…. I am in a relationship…

    Pat: With a man?

    Woman: Yes!

    Pat: For how long?

    Woman: 4 and a half years.

    Pat: 4 and a half years?! What’s the goal? Mating or marriage?

    Woman: Marriage

    Pat: Marriage… You are 3 years late!

    Woman: ….. You’d have to ask him!

    Pat: Is he here?

    Woman: Yes.

    (Pat to the man in the audience)
    Pat: Youhoooo! Come on up!

    Applauses and laughs from the audience.

    (Pat to the man)
    Pat: Thank you! Now, you want to mate or you want to marry?

    Man: Both!

    Pat: You can’t! It’s either mating or marriage.
    Mating is monogamy, continuity and longevity without a legal document. I have no problem with mating. You can have a ceremony, you just don’t sign a government contract.
    Marriage is mating with a contract.
    They are both the same spiritually: monogamous, continuous and long term.
    Ok…

    Man: I guess I misunderstood. I want to marry her and then mate…

    Pat: No, no! First, you got to know if you want to marry.

    Man: Yes!

    Pat: OK. Is she a candidate?

    Man: Yeah!

    Pat: So, what has she got to do?

    Man: Say yes!

    (Audience show their surprise)

    Pat: Oh! My G*d!

    (Pat turns towards woman and asks:)
    Pat: What are we talking about here?

    Woman: So…. I often times don’t feel cherished…

    (Pat to the woman)
    Pat: You mean he does not obey you, Sir?

    (Audience laughs)

    Pat: What culture are you from?

    Woman: mmmmmm vietnamese.

    Pat: Vietnamese, OK. Japanese people… women, have a really strong strike, they see themselves really powerful.

    Woman: Yes

    Pat: I got news for you… Are you j*wish?

    Woman: No.

    Pat: Is the m*ssiah coming?

    (Audience laughs)

    Woman: (laughing) He is here!

    (Man is laughing too.)



  100.  #100Zara on November 21, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    2

    Pat: OK! Therefore, has he ever done anything IMMORAL, UNETHICAL or ILLEGAL?

    Woman: … Hurtful, but none of these.

    Pat: No! … IMMORAL – YOU HAVE TO CALL THE COPS – A DOCTOR – OR A LAWYER?
    Who’s at the head of your house? Mom or Dad?

    Woman: Mom!

    Pat: Did you want to be Mom?

    Woman: No!

    Pat: You are making it!

    (Audience laughs)

    Woman: How do I respect unconditionally when I felt hurt or uncherished…

    Pat: I’ll tell you why. Because he is 51% valuable!
    51%!

    (Pat to the audience:)
    Pat: How many people are here for relationships?

    (Audience signal themselves to Pat)
    (Pat to the audience:)
    Pat: put your hand up! (The audience put their hand up)

    Pat: I promess

    Audience: I promess

    Pat: On my honour

    Audience: On my honour

    Pat: NEVER

    Audience: NEVER

    Pat: Will I commit

    Audience: Will I commit

    Pat: to a venal fallible human being.

    Audience: to a venal fallible human being.

    Pat: Instead,

    Audience: Instead,

    Pat: I will commit

    Audience: I will commit

    Pat: To the relationship

    Audience: To the relationship

    Pat: with a (venal) fallible human being.

    Audience: with a (venal) fallible human being.

    Pat: I will do my half

    Audience: I will do my half

    Pat: And I hope to G*d they do theirs.

    Audience: And I hope to G*d they do theirs.

    Pat: What word do I hate, loath, detest?

    Audience: TRUST!

    Pat: TRUST! You can not trust a human being. They are the only animals that can commit a crime and a sin. You must take a risk with them. The only way you know you love yourself is the ability to make and keep agreements. Do you hear that?

    (Pat turns to woman)
    Pat: OK. So, do you want to be respectedcherished or cherishedrespected or both?

    Woman: Cherished!

    (Pat turns to the man)
    Pat: Do you want to be respectedcherished or cherishedrespected or both?

    Man: Respected

    Pat: OK.

    (Pat to the man)
    Pat: Now => “I want to marry you”

    Man: I want to marry you

    Pat: => ” How do you feel about that?”

    Man: How do you feel about that?

    Woman: Just dandy…

    Pat: => “What can I do to help you and I feel good about getting married?”

    (Pat to woman)
    Pat: What can he do?

    Woman: Do things to make me feel more cherished or loved.

    Pat: Like what? Name them!

    Woman: One night -> No TV! Spend quality time. Quality time is my love language.

    Pat: Love language? I’ve got news for you… Then go visit a girlfriend.

    (Audience laughs)

    Pat: Do you realise that what you’re saying is “I’m gonna give up a man I’ve already shared 4 years with, because he doesn’t do TV right?”

    Woman: Just one night…

    Pat: I’ve got news for you: The fact that you are asking him to OBEY you for an issue that is not immoral or unethical or illegal…. (Pat stops speaking)



  101.  #101Zara on November 21, 2015 at 3:27 pm

    3

    Pat: How about for one week, from now to next week, you do it HIS way, unless you have to call the police, the doctor or the lawyer?

    Woman: That’s a tough line…. Like, there’s a lot of stuff in between…

    Pat: There’s nothing in between! You either have to call the cops, a doctor or a lawyer!
    Do it EVERYTHING his way!

    (Pat to man)
    And when you ask for what you want =>”Honey, I’m gonna ask you to do something (or go somewhere or whatever), how do you feel about hearing what I have to say?” .
    Make an appointment! Don’t just say: “I want to go here!”
    Make an appointment.

    (Pat to woman)
    Then, say=> “Yes. What is it?
    And he’ll say => “I want to do this or that.”
    And he will say => “How do you FEEL about that?”
    And you will say => ” I don’t particularly feel good about it, but I respect your request because I respect you 51%.

    (Audience laughs)

    Woman: He …. I mean, he’s perfect, but I mean, he’s made mistakes.

    Pat: I know that, but you are not his mother. Mother is man. MOM is spelt M.A.N.

    Woman: OK.

    Pat: Would you be his woman for one week?

    Woman: Yes, Mam!

    Pat: “Sir!”

    Woman: “Sir?”

    Pat: I’m in my male.

    Woman: Yes! Sir!

    (Audience laughs)

    Pat: OK. Now, would you be … (Pat stops speaking)



  102.  #102Zara on November 21, 2015 at 3:28 pm

    4

    (Pat to man)
    Pat: I’m gonna give you tools.
    Never ask her what she thinks, wants, opinions, suggestions, ideas, NEVER! Unless you are doing a business and you are both getting a pay check.
    Do you work together? No. So that’s it.
    Always tell her what you think and what you want, and then always ask her how she FEELS.
    And she’ll say => “I feel good, I feel bad”
    And then you’ll say => “What can I do to help you and I feel better?”
    And she may say =>”Do it my way”
    And you’ll say =>”You have a right to ask for that and the answer is NO. Me, man. You, not man.”

    (Audience laughs)

    Pat: See? Now, when you want to b*tch, moan, preach, teach, question, you have got to make an appointment. =>”Honey, I have something to say to you that may be painful. When would you be COMFORTABLE listening to my statement?”
    Do you see? So get an appointment and then tell her and then ask her how she feels about it. Always ask her what she FEELS.

    Man: OK.

    Pat: And then, when she is giving you the body language. You know the body language?

    (Audience laughs)

    Pat:
    You say=> “I sense, (I think) (I believe) by the tone of your voice, (the look on your face) (your body language) (your gesturing) that you are upset about something. Am I right? ”
    She says=>”Yes.”
    You say=>”When would it be COMFORTABLE for you to tell me what it is?”
    She says=>”Now! I am uncomfortable because you won’t do this or that”
    You say=>”What I’ve asked you to do is moral, ethical and legal and you made a promess to do it my way for one week. How do you feel about doing what you promess?”

    Pat: You see?



  103.  #103Zara on November 21, 2015 at 3:29 pm

    5

    […]

    (Pat to woman)
    Pat: And the last tool is “time out”.
    This means he is upset. He wants you to say => “What can I do to help us DO better?”
    Never ask him what he feels unless he is puking or bleeding.
    Have you got it?

    Woman: Yes!

    Pat: Don’t say: “Are you happy, are you sad?” “I have an idea about what to do (where to go) (how to do it) (and who to do it with). When would it be CONVENIENT, hopefully today, for you to listen to me?”

    Woman: So, a request… =>”Oh! When would it be a good night for the TV not to be on?”

    (Audience laughs)

    Pat: No! No!
    What you’ll say when you fight with him is =>”You have the right to watch TV every single night of the week. But the night you watch, I am going to my girl friend’s”

    (Audience says:” Ooooooh! Ouch!)

    Pat: =>”And my girl friend and I may go dancing!”

    (Audience says: “Ouch!)

    Woman: Oh! He does not like that!

    Pat: You know what? You don’t like TV = He does not like you dancing.

    Woman and audience: ahhhhhhh! Yes, yes, yes!

    (Applauses from the audience)

    Pat: OK. And then there is the => “I sense (I think) (I believe) by the tone of your voice (the look on your face) (your body language) (your gesturing) that you are upset. Am I right? ”
    He says =>”Yes”
    You say=>”When would it be CONVENIENT today for you to tell me about it?

    Woman: OK.

    Pat: And the last thing is when you are in pain and you don’t want to talk because you are afraid you’ll say it wrong, do this and he will say =>”What can I do to help us feel better right now?”

    Pat: Those are the tools you are asking for. OK?

    Man: OK.

    (Pat to both man and woman)
    Pat: How about one week where you ( the man) get to be the boy and you (the woman) get to be the girl? Got it?

    Woman and man: Yes.



  104.  #104Zara on November 21, 2015 at 3:31 pm

    6

    Pat: Anybody has a question about them?

    Woman 2: The difference here is: NOT telling him to cherish her feelings, but if he does not cherish your feelings, you do, you cherish your feelings with plan B to manipulate him…

    Pat: You don’t manipulate him! He might not go for it! You simply present ….

    Woman 2 (interrupting Pat): But no! When you say I’ll go out there with my girl friend, he is not gonna want her out there dancing with her girl friend!

    Pat: I’ve got news for you! May be he will and may be he won’t. That’s his business. If you do anything for vengeance, that’s not what I am teaching. I am teaching equity… EQUITY.

    Woman 3: So you’re saying if he does not take care of your feelings…..

    Pat: Plan B!

    Woman 3: OK

    Woman 4: What’s wrong with both of them or either of them following the love language the other speaks? I assume she was referring to the “5 love languages” book?

    Pat: Honey, did I write “the 5 love languages”?

    (Audience laughs)
    Audience: No!

    Pat: I got news for you. Do you realise what I am doing is manipulating symbolism, words. […] If you don’t know the meaning of symbols, you can’t negotiate. There is only 3 ways to deal with people: intimidate them with fear, seduce them with guilt or negotiate with equity. I teach equity.

    Woman 4: And that’s not negotiating? If she needs to hear “I love you” or more quality time?

    Pat: I got news for you: Am I here for you or for me?
    I am here for me! I like doing this. You get something? Fine! You don’t get something? Go home! You see?
    So, the truth of the matter is that the “5 languages” is a beautiful statement about what pleases each one of us. I happen to be very pleased with the proper use of language, which is very cognitive, you see.
    “Oh! It’s only words” you’d say. Well these words are the quantum physic element that makes up the quantum energy feelings that we all exist in. So I do MY work.
    The “5 languages” is the description of 5 stroke systems.

    Woman 4: Thank you.



  105.  #105Zara on November 21, 2015 at 3:39 pm

    Sorry, number 5 should read as follow:

    5

    […]

    (Pat to woman)
    Pat: And the last tool is “time out”.
    This means he is upset. He wants you to say => “What can I do to help us DO better?”
    Never ask him what he feels unless he is puking or bleeding.
    Have you got it?

    Woman: Yes!

    Pat: Don’t say: “Are you happy, are you sad?” Don’t do that! Always ask him what he thinks, what he wants, his opinion, his suggestions, and what you can do to help you and he DO it.

    Woman: Yes, Sir!

    (Audience laughs)

    Pat: OK. Now, when YOU have a request (because you are a smart lady, you have a right to want things, to think things), you have to make an appointment: =>”I have an idea about what to do (where to go) (how to do it) (and who to do it with). When would it be CONVENIENT, hopefully today, for you to listen to me?”

    Woman: So, a request… =>”Oh! When would it be a good night for the TV not to be on?”

    (Audience laughs)

    Pat: No! No!
    What you’ll say when you fight with him is =>”You have the right to watch TV every single night of the week. But the night you watch, I am going to my girl friend’s”

    (Audience says:” Ooooooh! Ouch!)

    Pat: =>”And my girl friend and I may go dancing!”

    (Audience says: “Ouch!)

    Woman: Oh! He does not like that!

    Pat: You know what? You don’t like TV = He does not like you dancing.

    Woman and audience: ahhhhhhh! Yes, yes, yes!

    (Applauses from the audience)

    Pat: OK. And then there is the => “I sense (I think) (I believe) by the tone of your voice (the look on your face) (your body language) (your gesturing) that you are upset. Am I right? ”
    He says =>”Yes”
    You say=>”When would it be CONVENIENT today for you to tell me about it?

    Woman: OK.

    Pat: And the last thing is when you are in pain and you don’t want to talk because you are afraid you’ll say it wrong, do this and he will say =>”What can I do to help us feel better right now?”

    Pat: Those are the tools you are asking for. OK?

    Man: OK.

    (Pat to both man and woman)
    Pat: How about one week where you ( the man) get to be the boy and you (the woman) get to be the girl? Got it?

    Woman and man: Yes.



  106.  #106Tee on November 21, 2015 at 5:37 pm

    #83 FW you’re right! I keep saying that I’ll do things differently, go out more, etc but I get so overly concerned with what E is doing. It’s like I sit around worrying as though the worrying will prevent anything bad from happening.

    #86 Azure Blue, I use to hang out with E at the bar but I still never had his full attention there. He’s like Norm from the show Cheers, 90% of the people there know him, grew up with him and maybe even babysat him at one point lol

    He’d constantly be in & out of the bar, talking to this person or that person. We’d have to go someplace where no one knows him. E seems to just require lots of motion & activity.

    He’s like a shark, he’ll sink if he’s not engaged somehow. When he is actually sitting still, it’s because he’s focused on a video game or he’s into the music he has on his phone. I try not to take it personal, like it somehow means that I’m not interesting enough but it can sting.

    I like when things are quiet & intimate sometimes…he seems to as well…then it’s like he’ll still run off with a friend. I always ask him if he has fun when he’s out. He always says No and I believe him. I just don’t get how he’s wired to be always in motion. It’s genetic so it’s not just him, and I still have trouble wrapping my mind & heart around it.

    I’ll have to figure out something that works for us both. He enjoys eating out & there’s a few spots in our neighborhood that we can go to.

    I think the trick for me would be enjoying him & our time but not getting offended if he still has energy to burn afterwards.

    Is this against the “rules” planning a date, when we’re supposed to be accepting & leaning back?

    Also thanks Sirens for allowing me to express myself. It doesn’t feel as tragic when I get it out of my system



  107.  #107Femininewoman on November 21, 2015 at 8:26 pm

    Tee I’d say go ahead and plan the date and see how things go. But pay close attention to really feel how he responds. An active date like bowling, tennis, skating or pool where you get to do something fun together. Even if it is not something you like but he does. I believe it will help him to feel special.



  108.  #108Susan on November 22, 2015 at 3:25 am

    Nov 17 – 10:22 pm
    Hi hello hi

    Please help.
    Background info:
    age: late 20s
    Time together : 3 years 1 month
    Recent graduate and I am retuning to school.

    Hello
    So all of this started becuase my mother. Who is very opionitated and very involved in my life. I missed a wedding of a first line cousin. Me and my bf spend this weekend together he took me out to dinner and we stayed home due to me being a bit sick. My mothers family gave my mother comments:” how could your daughter miss your niece wedding, how disrespectful.”.
    Mother has a talk with me after. She mentioned that is very embrassing for her that me and my bf don’t participate in social events. Yes it’s true, bf does not like social parties. He WILL NOT attend to his families closed cousin weddings or parties. To return back. My mom said that a man who is not invested in Being part of their girlfriends family lives just simply doesn’t care to be part of the family. To which my feelings got hurt. My mom believes that men who want to be with you ultimately want to please the parents and family. Yet my bf does not please HIS family in that way either. My bf is a nice person but he is socially awkward. I love him and he loves me. Yet my mom gives me a hard time with this is she somewhat right ? She mentions how my bf is never around.

    I wished we could move out which is our near goal. He’s not yet stable and he is only at his job for one year so buying a house is not in our reach at this time.

    I talk to him but he mentions that my family is just trying to make themselves happy. And that he notices that appearences matter a lot to my family which its true. I was raised under the thought ” you have to do things right or what will the family think ” .

    Mom feels likes he’s never around. Yet for a while we stop doing things like going on 2 day trips ( staying in a hotel). Why ? My parents and yes even my brothers commented on ” how could u be sleeping in a hotel with a man who is not ur husband , people will think ur having sex with him “. After that time we didn’t want to go anywhere far if we do we come back the same day.
    Help we need ur advice.
    My bd texts me a lot. My mom says that’s not a real relationship. My mom feels I am Wasting my time on him. She mentions how if a man who is not willing to participate in a family wedding is not receptive to attenting is more than likely not the man to wed you or your family.

    Help I am considering the relationship ? Please help.



  109.  #109T-Girl on November 22, 2015 at 6:48 am

    Lillybelly, I don’t know if this is necessarily CDing in a marriage, but when I feel we are out of sorts, then I just tell myself to bring the focus back on me rather than us. So I may go get a pedicure or massage, watch a movie I like or read a book. Something that is taking care of me and me only.



  110.  #110Starla on November 22, 2015 at 7:30 am

    Cding can look like finding men to practice feeling messages and tools with. Rori suggested the butcher, and that’s exactly what i do:-)



  111.  #111Zara on November 22, 2015 at 8:14 am

    Tee , Lillybelly

    Copy-pasted from Turn Your Marriage Around Now No Matter What’s Happening
    By Rory Raye

    ______________________________________

    I’ve turned a marriage just like this one around – let’s do it for “Lost His Love”!

    *****Hi Rori.
    My situation is my Husband had an affair with his ex girlfriend. they use to date before I met him. We’ve been Married for 16 years and we lived together for 13 years, before we got married. So we’ve been together total 29 years. I love him very much and don’t know how to win his Heart back. He said he does not know how he feels about me and thinks he is in love with this other women. He told me he care’s about me and does not want to hurt me.

    I’ve told him to move out to think about what he wants, but he is still at the house with me, and still sleeping with me in the same bed. We have sex once in a great while, but yet he says he does not feel anything with me. I am so confused and hurt, and don’t know what to do any more. I keep telling him that I love him and want to fix what is wrong in our relationship, and he has not said much about it. What am I to do? ‘Lost his Love’.*****

    Lost His Love, Welcome – and I’m going to have to tell you the short version – which is – invest NOW, in my ebook and Modern Siren. If you can, get Reconnect, too, it will give you a real foundation for what you’re about to do. I hardly EVER talk about my programs – the link to my catalog page is in the right-hand corner of the blog (“to programs”), you can get them that way right now – and there’s just no other way we can move this as fast without you actually having, listening to, watching the Tools in action. They will save this marriage this WEEK – I’ve seen it happen.

    So – download the ebook now, and then get Modern Siren as fast as you can.

    You can do this – I’ve seen it happen over and over. You must STOP doing everything you’re doing and change EVERYTHING about you this very minute.

    Go change your hair (go as long as possible, do not cut it – but change the color – put blond in it – have the hairdresser layer it and either curl it or straighten it – just so YOU feel different)

    Go to Target or Ross or your nearest thrift store, even, and get tops in solid colors that are DIFFERENT. – I suggest RED – you’ll have to find the RIGHT color of red – don’t go orangy-red, go cranberry and berry red. Get tight jeans and sexy, lacy tops. Try skirts if you never wear them – show some SKIN. Everything needs to look good on you to YOU, so bring a friend for feedback and reassurance, or ask the men in the store what they think. Look through magazines to help you get a feel for a new, sexy look for yourself. Get new shoes – get a pair of high heels and wear them when your man is around – just as you are about to…

    GO OUT THE DOOR!! You need a class, an event, a whole schedule of fun, sexy things – try an acting class or improvisation class, or stand up comedy class- somewhere where there will be Men – and where he KNOWS there will be men. Go out for coffee with these new friends you’ll make. Come home late.

    Okay – I’m totally serious about this – do this today!!!

    Remember – this is not about being sexy for HIM – this is about being sexy for YOURSELF – and for OTHER MEN. Yes – other men. You’re going to have to flirt, you’re going to have to get validation and feel attractive to other men out there, you’re going to have to up your self-esteem and your Degree of Difficulty. You have to learn Strong Surrender.

    You’re going to have to throw yourself out in the world and be HAPPY – and feel completely unconcerned about him – in other words you’re HAPPY to feel free and experience all these new men out there (do NOT let your gremlins and whatever anyone else says throw you off this – you have to be on a “high” around this. Being a “sad sack” is just going to KILL whatever’s left of his attraction for you.)

    There’s just too much to say to do it here – but I’m feeling excited for you – because I KNOW you can do this. Go take a Pole Dancing class while you’re at it. Here’s to you! Let me know what happens after you have the book, you’ve digested it and are using ALL the Tools, and you have Siren and are effectively Circular Dating.

    Now – to finish – STOP calling yourself “Lost His Love” – stop TELLING him you love him and want him back. I don’t want you to PRETEND to feel differently – I just don’t want you to TALK ABOUT IT.

    I want you to talk about all the COOL things you’re doing. I want you to get excited about things that have nothing to do with him. I want you to become interesting to yourself again. I want you to pull your energy away from him and the marriage and put it on YOU.

    I promise you – if you do this, for real, from the ground up, from the inside out and the outside in, you’ll see results with him within a week. But you have to do the Tools – no amount of wishing is going to do this. Get shopping and get out there right now!
    _______________________________________



  112.  #112Tee on November 22, 2015 at 8:18 am

    #103 FW, awesome idea! E loves to bowl, he’s pretty good. His Mom has trophies and everything. It’s been years since we’ve gone. This could be cool, I’ll ask him out on a date. I think he’ll be flattered. He’s pretty busy with work these days but I’m ok with that since I now have a plan of action.

    Here’s another question, could this possibly backfire? I mean in the sense that he may come to expect this & not ask me out? Or could this inspire him?



  113.  #113Tee on November 22, 2015 at 8:18 am

    Lol thanks Zara ♡



  114.  #114Zara on November 22, 2015 at 8:29 am

    Tee

    I feel curious what the “lol” is about.

    xxx



  115.  #115Tee on November 22, 2015 at 8:37 am

    Oh nothing really, I just do alot of copying and pasting so I LOL’d because I have more material to add to my RR notes thanks to you Sirens

    Fear not, I feel happy. I feel like things are coming into place and I’m glad



  116.  #116Zara on November 22, 2015 at 9:04 am

    Tee

    **** I’ll ask him out on a date. I think he’ll be flattered. *****
    I think he will be flattered.

    *****could this possibly backfire?*****
    Yes, it could backfire. The probability is huge.

    *****I mean in the sense that he may come to expect this & not ask me out?*****
    He might not expect it to happen again if you have not been on dates or to this place for ages. He might just enjoy it as a one off and forget it. It won’t make him think he owes you to ask you back on another date.
    He might interpret your planning as you helping yourself when you want a night out, hence he might interpret that as long as you don’t plan another night out, it means you don’t want another night out.

    Are you asking him on a date with the expectation he will owe you to ask you out after that? He might feel baited and switched. Tricked into giving something. Or tricked into feeling grateful for something he did not ask for, something he thought was a gift from your heart.

    Would you be OK, if your expectation is not met?

    *****Or could this inspire him?*****
    Are you dying to go bowling and really want to share your joy with him, for the heck of it, with no agenda? Is bowling something that makes you happy? Is the focus on YOU and he can come along?

    Or are you making up an activity to seduce him into taking you to an activity?
    Are you giving to get?

    xxx



  117.  #117Tee on November 22, 2015 at 9:20 am

    #111, Yikes Zara! Thought provoking questions, glad you asked because it forced me to put the brakes on & THINK.

    Judging from past actions, yes….I do give to get. Almost everything I’ve ever done for him & maybe even with him was because I just assumed I’d get the same back in return.

    Ugh, I hate to actually say that but it’s true. Now I feel icky. I mean there have been things I’ve done for him just for the sake of doing them but most things are standing out, as I think back, because I thought I’d get whatever in return.

    I can’t even be entirely sure that if I took him out, that I wouldn’t still on some unconscious level…expect something.

    Receiving from him makes me happy.
    Outside of that, everything else is secondary.

    Ok now I have to think on this some more. It feels bad. Neccesary but bad.



  118.  #118Emerson on November 22, 2015 at 9:31 am

    I’ve been watching old episodes of Sex and the City. I noticed how often the 4 friends “ask men out” on dates or to events….
    I see the episodes differently now that I know Rori’s tools…as much as I love these 4 characters, I cringe as I see their “liberated” male energy initiating dates etc….
    I also feel that Mr. Big is insensitive and I know Carrie ultimately ends up with him, but I feel confused by him. He’s soo non-committal for so long, even marries someone else…..
    So how can this man be the “one”….I know it’s just a show, just gets me wondering!!!



  119.  #119Azure Blu on November 22, 2015 at 9:32 am

    Zara…
    very interesting posts from Pat Allen…

    I feel inspired by the dialogue for engaging a partner into a difficult discussion
    with respect and mutual agreement!
    Thank you!



  120.  #120Azure Blu on November 22, 2015 at 9:32 am

    certainly not the way I have been talking with my CDs
    Practice Practice!!



  121.  #121Azure Blu on November 22, 2015 at 9:45 am

    Emerson,,,
    I too watch reruns of S*x in the City with different heart and eyes…
    to me it feels like Too much male energy…
    Some of the episodes with Eeon are more like the Rori way…
    He is THE masculine and she is inspired to become much more feminine…

    I watched a recent movie with Diane Keaton and Morgan Freeman “5 Flights Up”
    Many times she plays a very masculine character…

    It was interesting to watch her much more feminine character…

    They were an aging married couple as they navigated a VERY volatile and anxiety filled decision of moving from their home…
    the lovely, delicate dance of masculine/feminine navigating a relationship so beautifully!
    She still maintained her personality but Always asked him what he thought and when he set his foot down she listened and supported him in his decision…

    I love how my eyes and heart have a new way of looking at life!!!



  122.  #122Tee on November 22, 2015 at 9:54 am

    Lol jumping on the SITC bandwagon. I thought it was too much complaining, half of these situations were their fault but they couldn’t see it! I thought Carrie was very confused as to what she claimed she wanted, they all seemed to have a talent for sabotage. I saw alot of Carrie in myself, minus the tons of men, awesome clothes and actual girlfriends lol



  123.  #123Emerson on November 22, 2015 at 9:54 am

    Azure Blue
    Who is Eeon? I know I haven’t seen every episode I’m sure so I’m curious…

    I have recently had some interruptions to my routine, and gearing up for family visits and travel for the holidays. My work schedule rolls on despite the holidays, but I have carved out some time to spend. It’s been very unconventional every year for the past five years for me, nothing is “like it used to be” for the holidays….
    And this year will be even more different because of some shifts in my family dynamics. My sisters are visiting and although we are getting along now, there have been some events in the last two years that upset me as they’ve left me out of plans, etc.
    Both of them are wealthy and married with kids. I am middle class and single. Anyways, I’m happy with who I am but I do feel the division at times.
    Feeling a bit of dread for the holidays, and feeling tempted to make plans for a solo tropical vaca instead….lol…



  124.  #124Emerson on November 22, 2015 at 9:59 am

    117 Tee….hahah lol you’re funny! I feel that I could relate to Carrie also…hopeless romantic and believing in love, quick to forgive…but yes minus the fab NY apt and Manolos!!!!

    I feel envious of the strong friendship between these 4…I wish I had friends like that to have breakfast with every day!

    I feel that that Samantha is a little overdone with all the “sex like a man” attitude and sleeping around in every episode… it becomes tiresome very quickly. I see the point they’re trying to make…liberated woman with a career yada yada…..

    ….. but I cringe watching Samantha who reinforces the (incorrect) stereotype of 40+year old women being promiscuous and just hungry for cheap sex and no commitment.



  125.  #125Starla on November 22, 2015 at 10:23 am

    Tee, one date doesn’t mean he will stop planning dates. Go for it, you’re in a committed relationship and it’s totally fine to do once in a while as long as you don’t have expectation or potential resentment tied to the outcome. For me this is like 3 dates I plan just for him every year.



  126.  #126Tee on November 22, 2015 at 10:31 am

    Thanks Starla. I’m glad that Zara brought it up though, am I doing this for me or for him? Lots of interesting things came up for me. Seems like I’m this bottomless pit of a woman lol I’m always looking for something in return from E.

    I’m looking for affection, validation, reciprocation, etc sheesh.
    Then I started thinking, Well what do I DO now? I don’t know what to DO.
    Yet the things that I end up doing usually come with fine print lol

    I feel like a deer caught in headlights.
    Maybe this is where I need to just feel my way around & not think so much?

    A tad confused yet amused lol



  127.  #127Starla on November 22, 2015 at 10:56 am

    If you’re feeling empty in your relationship, it is not recommended to lean forward to kick start things again. Planning a date would fall into this category for you at this time. Instead, kick start the fulfillment in your relationship by putting the focus back on yourself. Do fun things without him first. Make finding girlfriends a priority.



  128.  #128Starla on November 22, 2015 at 11:16 am

    When I am feeling unfulfilled or afraid, I always want to take action in ways that involve HIM to fix it. I want to go straight to that and shortcut right past the things I could be doing for myself. I don’t actually like having to face myself and be responsible for my own happiness, especially when he seems to be the main trigger for me to be unhappy in the first place. It still feels incredibly unnatural to focus on myself when afraid or dissatisfied about the relationship. I am changing this as much as I can. I also try to focus on my religious/spiritual stuff and remind myself that I am denying that my higher power is a loving one when I get anxious about my guy. This is newer in my approach so I still forget to show faith instead of idolize my man’s contribution to my happiness. I don’t expect to have this one mastered for many months.



  129.  #129Starla on November 22, 2015 at 11:18 am

    If not spiritual, you could reframe the faith in a higher power thing to trust in yourself instead.



  130.  #130Azure Blu on November 22, 2015 at 11:32 am

    Tee 121 & Starla #122
    My thoughts are…
    I agree with Starla… If it is feeling like too much leaning forward to YOU… it just might be…

    Tee (you are sooo good at bringing the focus back to you!!! BRAVA)
    “I’m looking for affection, validation, reciprocation, etc sheesh.
    Then I started thinking, Well what do I DO now?”

    What I have learned is the MORE I do the
    self love tools
    the stronger I get on the inside
    and this leads to
    SOFTER on the Outside…
    here are a few tools of self love I have used
    Tool #1- slathering myself with LOVE from a jar (like body lotion)
    #2 – imagining a waterfall of love gently falling on me with the water of LOVE
    #3 – looking at myself in the mirror and choosing 2 things I REALLy like about myself – telling myself
    as I gaze in the mirror…how much I LOVE my beautiful blue eyes etc.

    about 6 months ago I started realizing I was expecting my man to entertain my… so I went about looking for things I could do
    and I don’t look for my man to entertain me (cause I can now entertain myself)
    with dance lessons – lots of free available in my town
    volunteering
    going to movies (by myself if i can’t find a girlfriend to go)
    going to the library for lectures etc. (all free)
    art gallery openings
    anything I”M interested in!!
    And I’m a MUCH more interesting person to ME!!!
    just suggestions that are working for me…
    oxoxo



  131.  #131Mandy on November 22, 2015 at 2:37 pm

    A woman posted this blog on a social site I belong to…Sirens, I’d like for you to read and give your thoughts…

    “Why do women get beyond upset, relentlessly complain because “He has been really quiet lately. I haven’t heard from him in a few days”? However, as soon as he says, “Hey sexy! Sorry I haven’t been around much” they completely forget all else and turn into brainless giggling school girls saying “Oh never mind! He just messaged me. -Giggle Giggle Swoon- He’s just been really busy lately. He says he misses me. We are going to get together next week probably.” I feel this should be common sense/standards for all women.
    If he hasn’t texted you in days…I am sorry; you aren’t the one. You are a bootie call. Sure he is keeping you on the roster, but trust me when I say you aren’t the star player! I don’t care how busy he says he was, or how much he “misses you.”
    Men are never too busy to go after what they want….EVER!
    Think about it, what are you really asking for? A text message, a phone call? “Oh I am sorry I was too busy. I didn’t have my phone on me. I never got a minute to myself all day!”
    Bullshit.
    How long does it take to say “Good Morning Princess. I am thinking about you!”? I think that took me 2 seconds to type. I hate that excuse. If you aren’t the first person he thinks about when he reaches for his phone…..someone else is!
    If he is really into you he will text or call or make any effort he has to, not only because he knows it makes you happy, but talking to you should also be the highlight of his day. NEWS FLASH: He wouldn’t have to “miss you” if he didn’t disappear for days on end…….”

    This post of hers TRIGGERS me. Because Rori taught me that if a guy doesn’t text you LEAN BACK. Remember his humanness and he will come around. I don’t think I’m just a booty call if a man hasn’t texted or called in three days. Am I wrong about this? It felt PAINFUL to read this. This has been every dating situation I’ve been in. So does that mean since I don’t know one guy who doesn’t have a few days when he’s busy that all guys suck?

    Sirens, can I PLEASE get your opinions?



  132.  #132Tee on November 22, 2015 at 2:59 pm

    #123 Starla & #125 Azure Blue,

    Ugh I keep doing it, focusing on him! That’s my default setting & I’m not sure why. Ok I do know why but I’m tired of that story already. Ok fun things without him first.

    I’m definitely looking to get back into the gym, so there’s that. That will be a good starting off point where E can watch the baby as well. I have a few more things in mind but I don’t know if I should jump into all of them at once so fast.



  133.  #133Dominique on November 22, 2015 at 3:02 pm

    Mandy – Life isn’t that simple, or cut and dried, or black and white, and neither is love and attraction.

    Three days, even a week in boy time might feel like an eternity to a woman, but to a man, it’s nothing. And each man is different. It could be he’s not that interested, BUT not necessarily. He could be shy; he could feel hesitant to overwhelm you, seem desperate, or something else.

    And if something is going on in his life, especially if it has to do with his mission, i.e. career, then this will take precedence over most anything. It’s just not necessarily true that if he doesn’t call you before anyone or anything that he’s thinking of someone else. If you’re together, if you’re exclusive, it’s not that you’re not important to him. You are, but again it’s not good for YOU to simplify love in this way.

    There are just too many other factors which could be in play. Each man is an individual, an he will functions/operate, deal with things in his unique way, and each circumstance will be different as well.

    And of course there’s you in all of this. What feels okay and what doesn’t. What’s deal breaker behavior and what isn’t.

    Is this helpful?

    xxoo



  134.  #134blue rose on November 22, 2015 at 3:18 pm

    Thank you femininewoman 🙂

    Azure Blu I forgot the most important thing. The thing my fiance brings up often and has bragged to his friends about: I gave him Rori’s speech about not wanting a boyfriend but wanting a husband. It blew him away. He told me later how amazing it was (I had practiced it on at least 3 other guys before I had to give him the speech). He is the one; he came back to me like 2 weeks later and said basically ‘I thought about what you said and I want all the same things. I want to get married and have a family. will you be my girlfriend?’. Don’t be afraid to give the speech. I gave it to each of the guys I was CD. <3



  135.  #135Dixie on November 22, 2015 at 3:46 pm

    Sirens,

    Thanks so, so much for the hugs and concern about my dad. He’s stable now and I feel hugely relieved!

    D. and I basically, well… It feels like it’s done now. I let him know about my dad, because in the past, when I didn’t share personal things like this, (didn’t feel like leaning forward) he would feel hurt and angry. So I let him know that Dad had a heart attack, but was stable.

    On Saturday, he answered with a text that we should take a break, and that he would be in contact soon.

    Sirens, my heart felt like a wrung out tea towel on Saturday. Just…. Exhausted, tired, sad, confused, embarrassed. And then I allowed myself to feel mad as well, because I felt so triggered by getting that message in a text message. No other explanation was shared, but this time, I don’t need one.

    Thank goodness, I had a family wedding to go to last night, and we danced till 2 am! My dad as well! It felt so freeing and wild and just pure, pure fun.

    So, now everything feels less scary. Yesterday I had almost let the negative voices convince me that D. didn’t love me at all, but I trust my intuition that he was genuine. But I also know this time around that I can’t change him, or the circumstances, nor do I want to. BIG SHIFT.

    Eight weeks detox, right? 🙂



  136.  #136Zia on November 22, 2015 at 4:01 pm

    Hi Sirens! Please remind me what feeling words I can use in place of “hurt” or “upset”. This morning my husband (still feels weird to say!!) said something that made me feel upset, I’m SUPER emotional at the moment (thanks hormones) and so I was just quiet as I didn’t want to argue or get angry, but then when he asked me about it and I told him how I felt, he then made fun of me feeling that way. He’s not normally like that so I get the awareness that it was a defensive mechanism because he knew what he said upset me. But of course I don’t want this to linger as I feel very closed off because of it. I get the feeling he knows exactly how I feel and why, and is refusing to apologise out of stubbornness.

    Or should I just let it go this time – and if it happens again THEN find a way to talk to him about it? Generally he knows when I’m upset and will apologise if he’s done something to upset me.



  137.  #137Dixie on November 22, 2015 at 4:03 pm

    Blue Rose 1289,

    Your story feels so encouraging!

    Azure Blu, I loved everything about 125….. Yes, leaning forward leaves me feeling exhausted. When things felt “right” with D, it wss when I was pursuing whatever interests made ME happy..

    Mandy 126, I agree with you 100% and I love Dominques wording around the issue as well. Men are just human as well…. The only difference is that before, I would try to create excuses for their absence, OR getting myself stewed up creating my own stories that preyed upon my insecurities.

    Now, if a man doesn’t call, he doesn’t call and I don’t need to explain “why” to my heart. My heart is jumping over itself seeking answers, and my head tries to soothe it with thoughts of things that feel better. I don’t like the blame game, or the “guess the reason” gave. Both are speculative at best and leave me not feeling very good.



  138.  #138Zia on November 22, 2015 at 5:00 pm

    The other thing I can do is just drop everything, stop thinking about it or worrying about it, go back to flirting with the world and focusing on me – have been so much in plan/do mode for the past… gee… 3 months?? With moving house and the engagement/wedding that the past week is the first chance I’ve had to just *be*. So maybe I just need to stop trying to figure anything out and dig back into my RR toolbox and dust off some some of those tools 🙂



  139.  #139Starla on November 22, 2015 at 7:16 pm

    Zia, my guy hurt my feelings yesterday too and at first he was defensive in his own way about my not liking it but then I finally was like “ohh i am a sensitive thing,” and that was the magic ticket. I did still feel weird for like 24 hours following but I figured that would pass so I just let it be. All is well now:-)



  140.  #140Starla on November 22, 2015 at 7:19 pm

    Dixie, I don’t get it….why would he want to take a break? Does he do this sometimes and it’s something you agreed on? It’s a little different from how I would expect a man to respond to crisis in a woman’s life, so i may be missing something.



  141.  #141Emerson on November 22, 2015 at 7:22 pm

    Starla:
    “It still feels incredibly unnatural to focus on myself when afraid or dissatisfied about the relationship”

    Oh yes, me too!! Thank you for sharing this.

    Sirens, I met a new guy while out with friends…it was funny as it just happened naturally when I met him and at the end of the night I noticed he kept finding me, it was sweet.
    Anyway I didn’t have instant chemistry but as the night went on we danced and talked and I felt more attracted to him…plus a few drinks I suppose. Anyway it was fun and I enjoyed it, he asked for my number and asked me out.
    However he asked me out to dinner at the last minute…and so I declined.I said I already had plans. I didn’t make a point to say “oh I don’t do last minute plans” it felt to controlley…what do any of you say in this moment?
    Please share….
    thank you sirens…

    xoxo,
    Emerson



  142.  #142Emerson on November 22, 2015 at 7:24 pm

    p.s. he asked me out via text yesterday at the last minute to meet for dinner…



  143.  #143Starla on November 22, 2015 at 7:29 pm

    It feels so much easier to accept invitations with some notice, and that is what i say.



  144.  #144Emerson on November 22, 2015 at 7:48 pm

    Thank you Starla!



  145.  #145Zia on November 22, 2015 at 8:01 pm

    Starla – Thank you 🙂 He apologised of his own accord, when we spoke on the phone and he asked if I was still mad, I said that I was never mad just upset and that what he said was mean (didn’t want to go into it as I was at work), and he said “you’re right, it was mean, I’m sorry”. I do like the idea of leaving things for a while to see if they settle of their own accord rather than having to have it out straight away as was my old M-O… so I said “thank you, that was what I needed to hear, I feel much happier now”. All sorted!



  146.  #146Zia on November 22, 2015 at 8:36 pm

    I would not have normally said ‘that was mean’ but I didn’t want to get into feeling messages and whatnot in my office with coworkers able to hear the call 😛



  147.  #147Indigo on November 22, 2015 at 8:52 pm

    Mandy 126,

    I completely agree with Dominique.

    What this woman has said reminds me of some “venting” sessions that I have been part of with different girlfriends, ie. this is very much how women think, especially when triggered or upset. I don’t think it’s necessarily at all how men think.

    It’s so easy to rationalise another’s behaviour in the way this woman has done, but we all know that life and human beings are more complicated than that, that there is more to it, we are not so one-dimensional. I have not known a single human being, man or woman – not one – who has not withdrawn in his or her own way at some stage for some reason. We all have stuff that we deal with and sometimes we prefer to deal with it alone.

    I’m sorry to say it but I think what this woman has written is complete bs. This opinion is a function of our modern society where we now have access to cellphones, email, texting, etc. In the past, men used to go off to war or travel or whatever with no way of regular communicating. In essence, people had to exercise patience. Human beings have not changed – I believe we still have this innate need for time and space, and to process things. All that has changed is the expectations and pressure because of the ease of communication.

    I agree with Dominique, I think the important thing is how you feel in the relationship in general. Don’t get too caught up in your expectations. Try to assess the relationship honestly and from a common sense point of view. This has helped me to know how to respond to a man’s behaviour.



  148.  #148Starla on November 22, 2015 at 9:25 pm

    I really am a sensitive thing. I get caught between not wanting to control what potentially critical things someone may say to me and not wanting to be made to feel not good enough by what they have to say. I didn’t want to make him wrong but i also wanted the right to be upset by it.



  149.  #149Azure Blu on November 23, 2015 at 7:11 am

    Zia and all…
    Wow… leaning back and thinking about things before reacting!!! this is sooo great to see how it worked for you and your husband!

    I have been trying to do that also…

    Sure does work MUCH better than when I used to
    badger my ex relentlessly to fix whatever the issue was, right then!!! UGHHHH!! – my children also-
    I was vomiting *MY* anxiety all over everyone and me.
    I feel it was VERY abusive! I have apologized for it since…
    BUT the best part is that I have STOPPED this behavior – thanks to the RORI tools!!!
    which is soooo much more respectful!



  150.  #150Ann on November 23, 2015 at 10:07 am

    I feel I am losing my love and am feeling really sad. I found this love about a year after I started Rori’s program and I must have not been following the rules well over time. I now can see myself super needy, and my actions are described by him as “codependency.” I have been listening “Reconnect relationship” over and over. I am watching “Toxic man” again. I feel super desperate. Sad, sad, sad…



  151.  #151Azure Blu on November 23, 2015 at 11:00 am

    Sooo…
    The holidays and my CDing…
    RM cd asked me to go to the city football game and tailgate on Thanksgiving, 2 months ago…
    I agreed!!! I have never attended a live Football game (except high school)
    I really like that RM has included me into his life so quickly (unlike Spirit)

    a couple of weeks ago Spirit mentioned thanksgiving and christmas… He’d like to spend them with me…
    I said “ohhh… that feels so good to hear you say that… but I have not been to YOUR house or met your family…” This all feels VERY off balance to me…
    I can’t do the holidays until that changes”

    Today, Spirit – after planning our Sunday ahead of time… cooking a steak dinner together…going for a winter wonderland walk at the park (it has snowed 8 in.) spending the night… all at my house…
    he called from work and asked what i was doing for Thanksgiving…. he would like to go with me…
    Me “I have plans…”
    Him “i don’t have anywhere to go I was hoping to go with you…”
    Me: “I thought part of your family got together the day before thanksgivng…”
    Him:”wellll… yes… but I don’t have anywhere to go on thanksgiving.”
    Me;”Spirit… it feels good that you are having this conversation with me… but I still haven’t been to your house or met anyone in your family.” this all feels VERY off balance to me. that is why I can’t invite you over.”
    Spirit continued try and get me to invite him… and simply said… “i know you haven’t been over but that’s why I want us to do thanksgiving together.”
    Wow!!! he was turning the whole thing around… making it sound like he was inviting me to his families house!!! HE WAS NOT!!!
    UGHHHHH!!!
    Me: “thank you for talking about the holiday plans with me… but this is how it is.”

    VERY proud of myself for not getting entangled in something that I don’t want to happen…
    Sirens,
    I need to start pulling away now… i’m bored with the whole discussion about not being involved in his family AT ALL!!!
    I need for him to back off…
    and I need to take care of *ME* and start untangling myself from Spirit!!!

    I can’t believe THIS!!! a month ago I would have laughed I anyone would have said I would be saying this!

    He’s been stopping by my house lately… today he left clothes over…
    NO this MUST STOP!!
    Any ideas Sirens?



  152.  #152Azure Blu on November 23, 2015 at 2:39 pm

    I reread what Zara posted last thread in reference to Lovergirl and MM cd…

    this seems to fit my situation with Spirit also:
    (i want to be invited to his house and to meet his family)
    “Either way, what he is saying is “NO” to your requirements.
    And this IS the deal he is offering you. You take it or leave it.
    But don’t tolerate it.

    If you take it, it is in the understanding he will continue to NOT invite you to his house
    and continue to NOT introduce you to his family
    and you feel good about it.

    If you tolerate it, it means you go with it, yet don’t like it. It will keep you in a bad feeling state which eats your self-esteem down.

    If you leave it,
    it leaves space for new men who WILL want to offer you a good deal more!!!”
    Thank you Zara!!!



  153.  #153Femininewoman on November 23, 2015 at 6:55 pm

    Azure I wonder if his house is messy or something so he feels embarrassed to invite you over?



  154.  #154IamHis on November 23, 2015 at 8:15 pm

    I feel curious about NOT resisting fear, of allowing it to morph into something else. I usually end up crying. Is there some kind of process?



  155.  #155Indigo on November 23, 2015 at 9:14 pm

    Azure Blu,

    I totally agree about not tolerating an offer from a man. You either say “yes” to it, or you say “no” to it. Saying “maybe, but…” will simply drive a wedge between you and make you and him uneasy. Any time a man has offered me something which has not been everything that I wanted, I really try to be honest with myself whether I can enjoy what he is offering in the moment, with a pure and open heart. Knowing what I know now, that you cannot pressure a man into changing, it is always best simply to say yes or no. D excluded me from his family and friends for a long time whilst we were casual, and I always went along with what he was offering thinking I would coax him into changing. And you get to a point where you are just done with doing that.



  156.  #156Azure Blu on November 24, 2015 at 4:02 am

    Indigo #149
    Thank you! :-))
    Yes, I totally see what you are saying!

    I go through fazes with this…
    I’ll accept it with an open heart (knowing full well that I can’t make him invite me)
    -of course this is one reason we are NOT exclusive-

    and then when he wants MORE from ME (spending more time at my house and wanting me to invite him for thanksgiving and xmas)…
    the imbalance of him being at my house whenever he wants and most of my family having met him,,,
    just shows me how off balance this is and makes me question what is he hiding???…



  157.  #157Azure Blu on November 24, 2015 at 4:31 am

    Feminine Woman #147
    Thank you for your thoughtful question!

    Mmmmm… the messiness… I have thought that also…
    but he has seen my house in huge messiness!!!
    He knows I’m not a neat freak!
    We’ve face timed with at his apt and it is always very neat and tidy!!

    It’s getting to be ridiculous at this point…
    i’ve dated sooo many men… all of whom were always VERY eager for me to see their home! no matter what the messiness factor was! :-))



  158.  #158Starla on November 24, 2015 at 5:04 am

    QZ had a very messy bedroom and I only saw it once in the two places he lived. I also am messy but it was a big deal to him. Looking back, it was a red flag.



  159.  #159Femininewoman on November 24, 2015 at 5:09 am

    I ask because I wonder if the going to his home the big deal/red flag or not meeting his family is? The home thing kinda seem like a score keeping tit for tat thing that ……..em really isn’t that important. I know I’d be curious and I’d want to ask myself why is it so important to me to go there?



  160.  #160Starla on November 24, 2015 at 5:53 am

    Both are red flags in my experience. Im not sure how the two things are one or the other.

    Anyway, in this case the red flag was his disconnection from himself and the truth of a situation and lack of drive to implement a simple solution, ie pick up the garbage in your room so you don’t have to feel embarrassed. He applied this thinking to everything. Always embarrassed of himself, never admitting it, avoiding altogether, and no drive to actually solve the problem. Happened with his room, happened with when he didn’t have gas money to make it to our plans or buy tickets for a date he offered, etc.

    I realize I’m just venting now….



  161.  #161Azure Blu on November 24, 2015 at 6:59 am

    FW & Starla…
    It just seems after (known him 2 years- dating for over 1 year) this time…
    If it was ONLY ONE of these… then add the polar opposites of the religion and politics…

    It doesnt’ feel tit for tat for ME…

    As Starla mentions… it is part of a problem…
    of being closed off … not genuine
    closed off about HIS life..

    Thanks soooo much Sirens!!
    Wow… writting this out is HELPING me see more clearly what I want to share with Spirit
    in feeling messages.
    and HE wants to be ALL in MY life…
    It would be fine if he stayed out of mine! (at this point it still wouldnt be fine)

    It is NOT good for me to get much closer to him
    if I cant see who he is IN HIS environment…
    How important is HIS religion (overwhelming I imagine) I can pretend it’s not that big of a deal… (cause he has stopped talking about it)
    but when I interact with him in his home… then
    I’ll really see who he is…

    And his family is also VERY religious…
    at this point it looks to me like Spirit and my relationship is all imaginary!!
    He is trying to take our relationship to the next level
    BUT- there is a BIG gap – and I’m getting closer and closer…

    Rori says “Have the relationship **I** WANT”
    NOT a fake one Spirit is trying to push me into



  162.  #162Femininewoman on November 24, 2015 at 7:36 am

    Ok Azure.

    Is he pushing you?
    Why were you still engaging with him?
    What lesson is there yet to learn?



  163.  #163Femininewoman on November 24, 2015 at 7:42 am

    Starla interesting. I am here wondering that is the “shadow” in his relationships that he is blind to.



  164.  #164Indigo on November 24, 2015 at 7:45 am

    Gosh, Azure Blu,

    I’ve never dated a man who was reluctant to invite me to his home. Most men seem to feel very comfortable in their “castles” and are happy to spend time with you there. The only thing I’ve had was where we inevitably spent more time at my place because I had more privacy and it was something we both preferred. But I like to use my intuition here. If something feels off I usually really want to get to the bottom of why.



  165.  #165Femininewoman on November 24, 2015 at 7:52 am

    I do find it odd that a guy would not want to invite the woman he is dating to his castle so for me it triggers curiosity more than anything else. Especially due to the fact that I have never experienced that. I believe it is part of the mating ritual and the guy wanting to impress and show off what he can build for you.



  166.  #166Azure Blu on November 24, 2015 at 8:18 am

    FeminineW & Indigo,,,
    Thank you lovely goddesses!

    I know…
    I’ve never dated a man who didn’t want to show off his “castle”!!
    No matter how humble!

    Yeah… my intuition IS saying there is something off here…

    Does anyone have ideas about what a warm loving script might look like?
    Thanks



  167.  #167Emerson on November 24, 2015 at 8:21 am

    158 FW
    This resonates with me. In the past when I was getting over toxicEX and I met recycledCD, I ignored the fact that he didn’t invite me to his house. Turns out he was divorcing but still living with her which of course I had a problem with once I finally found out
    I was very naive and also emotionally void temporarily from my ordeal with a toxic man, so I allowed myself to get sucked into recycledCDs world of deceit.



  168.  #168Femininewoman on November 24, 2015 at 8:29 am

    Azure for me it would be “I just can’t see to shake this intense feeling of curiosity and wondering why I have never been invited to your home. It just feels like it has me stuck in mud spinning around the words in my head. My intuition/gut feeling is that something is off. Can you help me with this? Is there something I need to know?”



  169.  #169Starla on November 24, 2015 at 8:32 am

    I would have a hard time thinking off a warm loving script on something like this. I think I would just be direct. “Listen, I want to start coming to your house sometimes, when can we do this?” And have him give you a date. I personally would keep it very direct and leave out feelings or dancing around it. Unless he says he doesn’t know about it. Then I would ask if there’s something I should know. If his response continues to shut me out, I would tell him I feel really uncomfortable not seeing where a man lives after a certain point, and again ask him if there’s something I should know.

    I do not think it’s unreasonable to refuse to get to know someone better if after plenty of time they’re hiding their home from you.



  170.  #170Femininewoman on November 24, 2015 at 8:43 am

    I agree Starla. And also I think when a man is living his life the way he wants to live it who am to expect him to do otherwise. Why continue to engage with him over such an extended period when he is clearly showing who he is?



  171.  #171Sami Wunder on November 24, 2015 at 8:44 am

    Azure, Hi ! I’ve been watching your growth over the last few months. Let me congratulate you on how amazingly well you are doing with CDing, feeling sireny and building your awareness around how you want to feel around a quality man. So very well done!! Yay 🙂

    Now in your case, I wouldn’t assume he is hiding anything but yes it does feel odd if everything is so one-sided ( i.e. concentrated to your place) and so it’s time to communicate.

    If I were in your situation, I would share my heart in a non-blamy but also FINAL kind of way. A possible script could look like –

    “I don’t want to pressure you to show me your house or meet your family but I want to share with you that it’s starting to feel really uncomfortable /odd for me (choose the feeling that comes up for you authentically) that I’ve never been invited to yours. Is there something I should know here?”

    After which Azure, you have to see what he says and take a decision on the situation which is not wishy-washy. You either say your script and let it go ( I don’t know how long you’ve known him) and see what he says and does as a result of it OR – you request that future visits be outside your place if that’s what you want.

    It might feel harsh or hard to implement at first but being consequential with men shows a very attractive / strong side to you as a woman.

    In the end, however, it has to be your call / your decision because you can’t fake a decision you ain’t ready to take.

    Hope that helps!! Love to you, Sami



  172.  #172Femininewoman on November 24, 2015 at 8:50 am

    Hey Sami. I find it interesting that you use the word “pressure” here. I was cautioned by Tatia Dee to not use it because it can be like a loaded gun is how I interpreted what she said. As such I have pretty much stopped using it.



  173.  #173Sami Wunder on November 24, 2015 at 9:00 am

    Hi FW! I wouldn’t get too caught up in the semantics because different coaches teach different things that work for them. You should use whatever works for you 🙂

    I love using the words ” don’t want to pressure” because it has a calming affect on the man when he listens to your open intention about not forcing your request or bad feelings on him. It also prevents him from shutting down. My husband responds very positively to it.
    Love, Sami



  174.  #174Starla on November 24, 2015 at 9:07 am

    To me, “I don’t want to pressure you,” means “I don’t want to pressure you, but I have to, because you’re not meeting my needs” in most cases, so I try to avoid using it.



  175.  #175Azure Blu on November 24, 2015 at 9:13 am

    Sami W…
    Ahhh… thank you for the compliment!

    I’ve known Spirit for 2 years and we’ve dated for a little over one year…

    several times I have pulled back from him visiting my house over the past year… and then I get tired of meeting at bars and restaurants – so i take down my boundaries-

    He has actually invited me over 2 times – once last year and once this year – but it was last minute and I couldn’t make it…

    He has an adult daughter (she suffers from scyzophrenia) who lives with him… she works, so there is plenty of time when she is not there…

    and then I notice I start to feel off balance again (like now) and ask to visit his apt. and then stop letting him come over…
    I don’t think i’ve ever asked him “Is there something I should know?”
    that would be a good question…

    I agree with you Sami, I want to make sure I am ready before i discuss any final descision.



  176.  #176Azure Blu on November 24, 2015 at 9:16 am

    FW #162
    I like this script… thank you…
    pasting and copying
    oxoxo



  177.  #177Starla on November 24, 2015 at 9:22 am

    Taking a minute to share what’s happening for me this week.

    I am focusing on my relationship goal of not making a big deal out of things that I could just let go of. This is usually an awkward moment or a misunderstanding or something. Typically, I’ll get hung up on these moments and want to pick at them, and I’ll worry what it means for our relationship and want to talk through it, and I’ll feel soooo distraught and sad. I am finding, however, that none of these things are deal breakers and that my indulging in hypersensitivity is weakening the relationship more than the triggering moments themselves ever could.

    I had an opportunity this morning to just let something go, and I did. Interestingly, he knew it would trigger my sensitivity so he attempted to address it, and I just nodded in response. Mouth. Shut. Then he offered me some coffee and that was that.

    It feels weird keeping these things inside. I know with great certainty at this point that externalizing my sensitivities is often the worst thing I can do. I mean, what was I going to do? Accuse him of having bad intentions and tell him why I am convinced that I should be sensitive and threatened by something? It’s ironically rather insensitive of ME to do that to him.

    I wonder how I can deal with these feelings that I keep to myself, instead of burning their energy out through making it his problem and a conflict between us. I am thinking that over time it will not feel so hard, but it saps my energy to keep them to myself. It’s like instant depression for me.



  178.  #178Azure Blu on November 24, 2015 at 9:22 am

    starla #163
    Yes!! I agree… I’ve shared my feelings about this MANY times… and most have been…
    “I dont’ understand why you don’t have me over to your apt yet… OF COURSE this is your choice…
    But i’m not feeling comfortable with it at all…”
    This is usually said when he is pressuring me to be exclusive…

    I like this alot!!!
    “I would tell him I feel really uncomfortable not seeing where a man lives after a certain point, and again ask him if there’s something I should know.

    I do not think it’s unreasonable to refuse to get to know someone better
    if after plenty of time
    they’re hiding their home from you.”



  179.  #179Sami Wunder on November 24, 2015 at 9:22 am

    Aww Azure. I didn’t have all that information. I thought you were dating a new guy / cd and not siren CD.

    If this is not the first time you are having this conversation, it will be much harder to establish a new boundary because he sub-consciously knows you will back out on it, sooner or later.

    In which case, back to my original question – How important is this to you that you be invited to his house? If not that important and it’s only a sudden urge that is coming up, I would let it go. If it’s important, i would make sure it gets known to him but more importantly i would stick to it.

    If you go back and forth, men take your words less and less serious which overtime shows in their actions. I will have to get off the blog now for a call. Sami



  180.  #180Azure Blu on November 24, 2015 at 9:28 am

    Starla #171
    BRAVA lovely Siren on keeping quite
    when you know you should!!
    WOW…
    I love what you said here.. ” It’s ironically rather insensitive of ME to do that to him. ”

    As far as what to do with your feelings when you keep them inside…
    -Work out!!! always breaks the stress for me!
    -journal about what the feeling is … why is it a trigger for me…
    – visualize ALL the great things my man does do
    some of the fun times… some of the tender times…
    that always melts my heart!
    (:-}



  181.  #181Azure Blu on November 24, 2015 at 9:39 am

    Sami Wonder,
    Thank you! Thank you!!
    Yes… waffling back and forth on my boundaries probably gets pretty confusing also…

    I’m soooo enjoying spending sooo much time, calling on the phone, texting everyday
    with him in the past 3 months… something I have asked for and he is giving me…
    geeee… he has changed sooo much! It such a BIG turnaround I don’t know that I am trusting it?

    I don’t know… I don’t know…
    I am feeling confused now…

    No! I’m NOT confused
    I am ready to go to the next level with him…
    IF I can start spending more time at his house and meeting HIS family!

    I continue to CD… IF he is wanting more he already knows what I want…
    I am spending Thanksgiving with RM… it will be fun!
    at a football game!



  182.  #182Azure Blu on November 24, 2015 at 9:43 am

    I’m sure the level of emotional intimacy for me is getting VERY high…
    and about all either one of us can handle…
    him keeping those boundaries up
    might be ok for now…



  183.  #183Starla on November 24, 2015 at 10:02 am

    Thank you for the suggestions and encouragement, Azure!

    Something that crossed my mind was getting somewhere private and just letting myself cry or feel it all the way through. The important thing is that it’s private. I don’t want to make this his problem, because as soon as he knows I’m in crying mode, he either ends up walking on eggshells or getting very defensive, depending on how his day is going;). Neither is healthy. Besides, I know it won’t be forever that I have the urge to cry my sweet little eyes out, so I really don’t want us paying any special attention to it as a couple.

    I also really want to stop abusing the sensitive/crying card… I’ve been crying wolf for months at this point. None of the triggering stuff is a deal breaker so at this point, I’m sacrificing my credibility.



  184.  #184Azure Blu on November 24, 2015 at 10:13 am

    Starla #177
    Awww… yes… a good private cry ALWAYS makes me feel better… ;-}



  185.  #185Shealie on November 24, 2015 at 11:20 am

    Starla,

    I am so profoundly amazed at the words you’re writing because they are EXACTLY what I’ve been doing, this hypersensitive business, and it’s weakening my relationship with J as well. I am far too sensitive, he’s a guy and doesn’t mean to hurt me the way he sometimes does, and I know it’s just me overreacting to certain triggers. THANK YOU for sharing your feelings and letting me know in the process that I’m not alone. And that I CAN do something about it other than just “suck it up” and let it blow up later. Now to figure out what to do to blow off the steam in private without him knowing…



  186.  #186Dominique on November 24, 2015 at 11:39 am

    Azure – Of course it’s a normal and natural thing to want to be invited to your man’s house, and as it’s been said already, most men don’t tend to feel guarded around this, even the most messy and disorganized ones (case in point, my K who had me over quickly and not feeling the least bit embarrassed at his lack of an orderly house though he did make the bed for me, lol).

    So as has also been said, it is unusual Spirit is being this way. Could it be his daughter? Maybe. Or it could be something else. Having had this talk before might make it feel more difficult to have it again. Yet I feel sure you have the courage to do so. You’ve been so amazing at this before.

    Ultimatums never work, as you know. And the word “pressure” can be interpreted in varying ways depending on the individual. For me it’s a soft word, but for others it’s not. When in doubt, avoid it.

    As for a script, how about something like – I love spending time with you. I love spending time with you here (meaning your place), yet I would also love to spend some time at your house. It would feel so good to see where my man lives, to feel his environment. I feel confused why this hasn’t happened yet. Is there anything you would like to say to me or tell me around this? –

    And hear him out, no discussion, justifying anything to him, simply listening.

    And when he’s finished, no matter what he says, thank him for sharing with you or letting you know what’s going on.

    And then the ball is in your court. Can you continue to love and accept him even if nothing around this changes or doesn’t change for another two years?

    I hope this helps.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  187.  #187Indigo on November 24, 2015 at 11:44 am

    Starla 177,

    This may sound weird, but I favour public bathrooms – you know the ones which are quite private and have a basin and mirror and also have a door you can lock? I have such a one at work and it’s also soundproof. So sometimes I will go in there, put my head between my knees, even switch the light off if I want to, just get really intensely into the tears… it helps.

    Curling up in the foetal position on a cold tiled floor and having a good cry, as weird as it sounds, really really helps for me.



  188.  #188Indigo on November 24, 2015 at 11:54 am

    Starla,

    Also, I read an article some time back by one of the coaches on here, Stephanie Turner, about having a “vault”, ie. a person or friend you can turn to and confide in. I have a couple of people like that in my life, and when I’m hypersensitive, I find it really, really helps to bounce whatever it is off one of them. For me, I’d add this would be someone I really trust, who knows me really well and has known me for a long time, and someone I know will ground me and give me perspective, even if it may not validate me. I generally turn to the person I instinctively feel may be able to help or has the most insight with the particular issue. This also should be a person who loves you enough that they will let you have your vent without ever holding it against you, or letting it change their opinion of you. A safe place. Everyone should have at least one or two. I feel blessed 🙂



  189.  #189Frustrated on November 24, 2015 at 11:57 am

    Hi guys i need help with a feeling message speech. The backstory: my boyfriend who plans to propose is a very sweet and loving guy. However he has some boundary issues. He is one of those big football body teddy bear type, very tall big guy. He also loves kids and likes to play around a lot. He loves to swing around my nieces, toss them, put them on his shoulder, etc. I know he does it for fun bs they get a kick out of it but it makes me feel really anxious! My sister is usually somewhere else hosting, tending to family guests in get together a but I can also tell it makes myself and other family members squirm yet no one boldly tells him to not play so rough ( we are kind of an introverted non confrontational family). I’m worried. I’ve told him before yet he says I should learn to trust him and to not worry so much, and that I’m a nervous person. It’s like he doesn’t understand. If something happens to my nieces (1 and 3 yrs old) I would feel terrible seeing he is with me and is my boyfriend. One day we will have children and it will be an issue again. I just don’t like this carelessness and I hate that he reverts to it being about me. Any advice on this ladies?



  190.  #190Starla on November 24, 2015 at 1:31 pm

    When I don’t externalize my triggered reactions (aka tolerate my discomfort), I just end up feeling this deep, but lying, intuition that our relationship is in trouble, that he’s not attracted to me anymore, etc. At this point, though, it’s easier for me to ignore that voice that says something wrong and rejection and abandonment are surely on their way. We’ve been together for a year and this has never happened, so maybe I can start CELEBRATING instead that I know the voices are wrong because I am with a devoted, loving man who can’t see his life without me.



  191.  #191Cutie on November 24, 2015 at 2:53 pm

    Ohh Starla I am the EXACT same way. My man adores me and has recently purchased an engagement ring to propose in the next few weeks! BUT this continues to be an issue for me, the picking of fights … I think because I have abandonment trauma and severe loss in my history. So, when things start to get too intimate, there goes my brain stirring up BS to get mad about in order to create distance between us(through the fighting).

    Me personally, there is no way I can keep this stuff to myself, go cry in a bathroom or simply vent to a friend. Not at this point in my evolution, at least. I have tried it all and nothing has “worked” to get this “need-to-create-distance-ASAP” energy out of me, other than big fights that drain us both.

    However, that said, we have begun to find a solution. See, my man is so awesome, he volunteered to do couple’s therapy with me so we could get to the bottom of my fear-of-intimacy / need to create fights and distance pattern together. We are in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, and wow oh wow is it similar to Rori.

    Basically, my therapist is teaching me that it’s all about how I choose to share and working to share my primary (more vulnerable) emotion. For example, I say stuff like, “I know I have a tendency to want to create distance between us, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I know I’m showing you anger and criticism right now, but what I’m really feeling is that I don’t matter very much. And I know that’s so not true! I know you adore me! But my brain is trying to convince me that you’re going to hurt me somehow, and this dang brain of mine is pretty convincing. Ugh.” (I actually call it the evil monkey in my brain hehe.)

    I’m only a few months into this, building on top of about a year of Rori practice, and the times I’ve been able to get THAT honest, with both MYSELF and my partner (because dang I can end up BELIEVING the lies my brain tells me to keep me “safe” all too often) have been magical. It’s just like Rori says, and what EFT preaches, that this kind of vulnerable sharing, in a non-blaming way, brings people so much CLOSER together and actually BOOSTS intimacy. In my humble opinion, for me at least, this is healthier than suppressing what’s going on with me in an attempt not to bother my PARTNER with my troubles.

    But then again my partner may be different from the typical manly man in that he does always want to know what’s going on with me. We’re really best friends and lovers, too. He’s still masc energy in terms of finances, looks, hobbies and all that. It’s just that he really digs knowing what’s going on inside me, too. I feel so cherished by that!!!

    I dunno, just my perspective. Hope something in there helps.



  192.  #192Femininewoman on November 24, 2015 at 3:51 pm

    Hi Frustrated. I have to admit I am a bit like your guy. I even turn the kids upside down and threaten to drop them on their heads. Most times kids enjoy it. “Carelessness?”” Have the kids ever been hurt? Or complain about it that they don’t like it? If not then why do you view it as careless? I do believe it is okay to let him know it makes you feel so nervous you feel your blood pressure shoot up or like your heart is going to pound out of your chest



  193.  #193Zia on November 24, 2015 at 4:14 pm

    I have a question and would love some insight – what to do when the male partner has a very low sex drive? Initiating all the time feels very masculine to me, but if I don’t, it doesn’t happen. And I’m not happy to go days without. If I stop and lean back, it doesn’t happen and then I start to feel upset about it. He shows me he cares about me and loves me in many other ways, but I don’t feel desired when he doesn’t initiate. I don’t want to argue about it, I don’t want to tell him what to do, but I also don’t want to initiate all the time. It is something he is aware of, we’ve discussed it before, I am fairly sure its due to medication he’s taking (and that’s something I’m working on). I have some ideas around feeling messages to use, but I’d love a bit of insight with this.



  194.  #194Millie on November 24, 2015 at 4:40 pm

    I was just thinking about something… Earlier someone posted about how in the past, pre cell phones, men used to disappear to go to war, to travel for work, and to just plain be men. In today’s world with phones, we expect daily communication and if a man disappears we should lose interest as he is not interested in us. Right? Well I was wondering, would the woman of the pre cell phone era lose interest when her man disappeared? I guess during dating possibly, but if there was a committment, then would she be loyal by continuing to honor that without hearing from him? In a way an imaginary relationship would have had to form… Just thinking out loud. I wonder if both men and women today, are too quick to throw loyalty out the door in exchange for what’s in front of us since that’s what is present..



  195.  #195Tatia Dee on November 24, 2015 at 4:53 pm

    “Love doesn’t make me “want more.” Love makes me more of me.”

    Yes! Love it!

    This is a tweetable! 😀



  196.  #196Zia on November 24, 2015 at 5:06 pm

    FW #184 – I’m with you.



  197.  #197BeLoved on November 24, 2015 at 6:24 pm

    It feels so good to practice more and more, not taking things personally and not believing everything is all about me.

    Today in all of the chit chat at work, I made a snarky comment and at that exact moment (because we were having a fun, snarky free-for-all), the guy next to me dropped his head in his hands and shook his head, looking agitated and exasperated.

    For a moment, I thought…oh, he’s shaking his head at me, he’s expressing disapproval of my comment.
    Then I felt this …dissolution feeling. I saw that he had been looking at this computer screen, and I asked him, “Did you see something on that screen that made you unhappy?”
    He then told me what he had seen that explained the gesture, and not only that, he was at that moment working on straightening out a situation that would benefit me and had just realized the reason there was confusion.

    I felt a little thrill of delight, that I had felt bold, confident and detached enough to ask. He would have outright told me if he really was irritated with me, so I trust that it was what he said it was. I felt tickled and so pleased with myself for hours after. 😀



  198.  #198KRod on November 24, 2015 at 8:08 pm

    Hi everyone,
    This is my first time reading your blog and I found it very helpful and interesting. I have found myself in a lot of the situations many of you are going through. I’m hoping you can help. My situation is the following I known G for three years now due to our work we met overseas and when I moved back to the states. We just kept in touch via email only. when I met him I was going through separation, idk if it’s because after being married for so long and not feeling appreciated, valued, loved ,special our “relationship ” impacted me hard. He moved after a few months to another country. I always hoped that we would see each other again and maybe he feels the same way I did. A year pass after he moved and told me he was going to be in my town due to work he wanted to see me. I was so excited, we talked about everything and where we were in life. He mentioned he didn’t want a girlfriend no relationship, etc. I had just finished getting out of my marriage so I didn’t either,but I wanted to keep seeing him,I didn’t tell him though. We had an amazing time.
    He moved to his next assignment in another country kept in contact, he finally look me up in fb and friended me. I was nervous bc even though he knew about my previous relationship and that I had kids he hadn’t really met them. He’s single w/o kids and he is 10 years younger than me, however because of his work lifestyle he has gone through a lot and he is very mature for his age.
    I decided to accept him and to my surprise I found that while he was in his last assignment he had a girlfriend. Now At this point I wasn’t sure if he was still with her, but I felt that I was in no position to ask since we were never official, but I was disappointed and sad. Another year pass and he told me he’s next assignment was here in my town. I couldn’t believe it I was too excited I figure I finally had the chance to have some kind of relationship with him. He told me his girlfriend broke up with him a few months back, but he had moved on. Even though we both know that this won’t be serious because he will move again next year. Every time we meet, we go out, he’s a perfect gentleman we get intimate and then pulls back but then he Looks for me again and we start again just don’t know how to deal with it. In between one of our encounters I decided to tell him how I felt about him, he had no idea, he was surprised, I left him alone. Two months passed and he started to look for me again. I wish he could be more consistent, even if it’s for the short time that he’s here. We tried just to be Friends but we keep drawing and attracting to each other. I noticed with your blog that I’ve been making the mistake to initiate contact and sometimes he just reads my messages stays silent. I got upset with this whole situation and decided to disconnect from all my social media for a while, see if he misses me and takes iniative to contact me. It’s very hard but I’m up to the point that if I cannot get that small amount of commitment while he is here leaving so close to me. I definitely won’t get it when he moves again and I just can’t keep chasing a dream. Idk if he is holding back in his feelings or if he is just comfortable how things are. Your thoughts…
    Hopelessly in love.



  199.  #199Starla on November 24, 2015 at 8:16 pm

    Zia when you lean back, how long passes until he initiates? Days? Weeks? I know it’s personal but I think the answer changes how to handle that.



  200.  #200Emerson on November 24, 2015 at 9:09 pm

    189 Beloved
    this is lovely! I like when things like that happen…and when I feel good about handling a situation! Good for you!!! 🙂



  201.  #201Lovergirl on November 24, 2015 at 9:11 pm

    I tried not initiating sex w my ex husband and we went 9 months without sex. True story. Ugh. Maybe he was different than other men though.



  202.  #202Mandy on November 24, 2015 at 9:20 pm

    Dominique Dixie and Indigo,

    On what the woman wrote about calling/texting – What all three of you said, is EXACTLY what I wrote in a personal blog I have, what each of you has described. I said, he’s human, remember this, leave him be…I don’t own his time or thoughts…

    This is what I wrote :

    “Okay, here’s my take on women who gripe about not hearing from their date, and how it should be a deal breaker. This whole opinion of hers makes me feel angry, lol.

    Why should it be a deal breaker if you haven’t heard from a guy for a little while? Maybe he’s busy, maybe he’s tired, maybe he’s stressed, maybe he’s going through something. You never know and it’s almost NEVER about you.
    Men and women do not think alike. Men don’t flip out usually if they haven’t heard from a woman, at least I’ve never heard of it happening.
    A woman needs to focus on herself, stay busy doing what she loves, and take care of herself, so that the waiting to hear from him isn’t an issue. To throw the baby out with the bathwater on this seems absolutely ridiculous, because there will always be a time when a guy can’t text you back.
    If you ditch every person who accidentally forgets to text you…you’ll have a heck of a time finding someone who’s meticulous about it. Especially if they are a hard working man. You want a guy with a good job who makes money…well, you’re going to have to put up with a busy man!
    I’m sorry, I just think a woman isn’t taking care of herself if that’s their gripe…not hearing from their guy for three days…I feel very strongly about having just a little understanding on that issue, for the guy. He’s not evil, he’s not plotting against you.
    If he takes more than he gives, that’s bad. But if you haven’t heard from him for a minute or two? Try to remember he is human, he will come around!”
    THANK you Sirens for your opinions on this. I KNOW we came to Rori and Dominique to learn to BE this way. Just going “Oh well, me time”. And taking a luscious bubble bath instead of sitting there stewing about a guy not getting ahold of you.
    Oh guess what, guess who happened to “love” the blog I wrote? Valentine, lol! I feel curious as to why, but I can imagine it probably sounded like a strong statement that showed my stability and passion. It feels great to know he actually saw it, was interested in what I had to say, and read the entire thing and showed some love on the blog page. The curious cat inside me wonders if he felt like a woman was sticking up for men like him. It was almost as though he said “See? She gets it”.
    I feel my heart opening and being really warm right now about a man who might forget to call, I mean, I actually feel a little in love with that, because it’s something that happens to me on a constant basis and I’d like some understanding on it, too. If I asked Valentine why he hadn’t called lately and he said he forgot because he was swamped with work and his child, it would kinda make me melt in a weird way.



  203.  #203Indigo on November 24, 2015 at 10:44 pm

    Life is much easier when you are with a man who has a higher sex drive. I’ve never coped particularly well when there was no sex. That said, there could be a reason for it. When a man is unwell or under a great deal of stress his sex drive is often the first thing to go. You could try leaning back for a few weeks and see if things right themselves.



  204.  #204Indigo on November 24, 2015 at 11:06 pm

    Millie 186,

    I posted about this, and my point in doing so was in response to Mandy’s post about a woman who said that a man who is not in daily contact doesn’t care about you, which I think is so short-sighted. We’ve become so much about instant gratification, but are we happier? I don’t think so. In the past there it just wasn’t possible to communicate daily if you weren’t physically together. People exercised patience because they had to.

    I remember clearly my romance with my ex-husband pre-cellphones. Emails were only just starting to be used and even then we had to use someone else’s email and could only check it every few days. We spent several periods of time apart, and the anticipation of the communication made it all the sweeter. He’d try to post a letter or get to a callbox when he could, later on he’d try to get to his dad’s computer to send an email. We adored each other. We lived for these moments of communication from each other, the concept of losing interest because the person wasn’t in front of us was inconceivable. By the time we got to actually see each other it was the best feeling ever. What I do know is that daily texts and affirmation from just any man cannot compare to heartfelt communication from the man you love. If he is a real, good man, he will have a career, a family, goals… life will get in the way sometimes.



  205.  #205Zia on November 24, 2015 at 11:35 pm

    Starla – I would not have left it long enough to find out if its weeks – after about 3 days I have had to say something because I get too upset about it.



  206.  #206Zia on November 24, 2015 at 11:36 pm

    I think right now I am more emotional than normal – literally crying at nothing. So I think right now, its bothering more than it would when I’m feeling “normal”. It feels personal even though I know its not, and I feel like I need that affection and attention more than usual. So I guess its a case of me communicating how sensitive and emotional I am feeling while I am feeling this way and when whatever this is passes I might be able to be more rational/less needy about it.



  207.  #207Mandy on November 25, 2015 at 1:20 am

    I feel funny, as though my buttons might be being pushed by a man. His post popped up in my friend feed on a social site, and it was this gorgeous, romantic poem he’d written four years ago to someone, and tagged a woman in it. This poem described the situation he and I are in. Yet it wasn’t me who was tagged.

    Can someone remind me again of how his business isn’t mine?

    Sometimes I forget exactly what to remember in these seemingly tiny situations and i feel silly even bringing it up.



  208.  #208Indigo on November 25, 2015 at 1:58 am

    Mandy,

    Is this Facebook? Because I’ve noticed FB doing these “timehop” things where it posts things you had posted a year ago or a few years ago on that day. Several of my friends have this. I really wouldn’t read too much into anything that’s on Facebook, especially if it’s public. I have made that mistake before. When in doubt, I stay away from Facebook or unfollow someone.

    On the other hand, uneasiness about FB often means there’s something else going on that needs to be looked at.



  209.  #209Azure Blu on November 25, 2015 at 5:39 am

    Dominique #179
    THANK YOU so much lovely Siren…
    this is a wonderful script!
    I have pasted and copied into my archives to use when I am feeling calm, happy and relaxed…
    I will visualize ME sharing these feelings with him without pressure or expectations in my tone…
    I’ll let you know what happens!



  210.  #210Starla on November 25, 2015 at 6:05 am

    ((((((((zia))))))))



  211.  #211Tee on November 25, 2015 at 8:05 am

    Does anyone else start to feel a bit anxious when things start going a little too well? lol



  212.  #212Starla on November 25, 2015 at 8:47 am

    Tee, yes, it’s a huge anxiety trigger for me.



  213.  #213Millie on November 25, 2015 at 9:42 am

    Indigo– thank you for sharing, that whole experience sounds amazing… The anticipation and specialness of it. A little absence creates desire. I feel like texting makes people too accessible and actually makes me feel bored if a man is just ho hum texting me with no sense of purpose.



  214.  #214Tee on November 25, 2015 at 9:54 am

    #202, Starla

    I wonder why that is? I can feel my mind searching for something to go wrong so it can signal to my heart to shut down

    Maybe this is why I’m such a “control freak” because my heart interprets such things as him not loving me

    He pays a bill late or not at all = he doesn’t love us
    Son’s hair hasn’t been cut in 2 weeks = he doesn’t love us

    I feel such an occurrence could send me backwards yet I’m curious to see if I’ll still respond like I usually would



  215.  #215Dominique on November 25, 2015 at 10:00 am

    Zia – 196 – YES!!! Absolutely tell him you’re feeling more emotional and sensitive than usual (of course you are, for your hormones are running high. And please ask for a hug or reassurance or both. 🙂

    Much love to you

    xxoo



  216.  #216Dominique on November 25, 2015 at 10:08 am

    Tee – 201 – Yes this is normal and common to many, women especially, women who have had their hearts broken more especially. When things feel great, the fear arises that something is bound to go wrong, the other shoe will certainly drop, for this has happened before.

    And it’s not necessarily an easy one to manage. So do your best to soothe yourself in any way which feels good, eg. self care rituals, self love gestures, and you might try talking to yourself, telling yourself that all is well, that you know your gremlins are trying to take over, so you’re going to try to love them instead, embrace them, for though they feel awful, they truly mean no harm. Hug and kiss on them maybe; put them to bed maybe.

    And try to trust, in yourself and also in your man. Try to be as present as possible in each and every moment. Try to enjoy those moments. Try to flow with the ebbs and flows of life and love.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  217.  #217Indigo on November 25, 2015 at 11:07 am

    Dominique 206,

    Another thing I noticed, when I was doing my most intense healing – of my anxiety, of my abandonment fears, of a number of more intense triggers – I would close myself off from people, at least to an extent. While I was going through intense healing I wasn’t ready to receive love, it was almost as if I knew it would be premature because I still had some “stuff” to work through, and so I kept the happy times at bay. I didn’t want the relationship to progress only to come up against a massive trigger again.

    Now that I feel like I’ve worked through the worst of it, I’ve noticed my openness to love increase a great deal, and I can enjoy the happy times more fully and for longer….



  218.  #218Lilybelly on November 25, 2015 at 11:19 am

    207:

    This is exactly where I am right now although, I do not know if I am healing, per say. But, I do wish to be left alone by most all folks right now. It feels safe to me, not at all risky to expose myself or my heart.
    It feels like a cabin in the middle of the woods, alone for days on end would be the very best feeling for me.



  219.  #219Tee on November 25, 2015 at 11:36 am

    #206 Dominique, thank you for your kind words!

    I don’t think my gremlins allow much room for the ebb & flow of life and love

    Everything feels like a test that my fiancé will or won’t pass
    A test that I will or won’t pass

    So I try to stay in my head where it’s safe but that’s also where the gremlins are lol

    I’m anxious when my fiancé isn’t around

    I’m trying to come up with better distractions so that I won’t start the gremlins up again

    I keep telling myself that he’ll be back, and he always is but I guess there’s that fear that one day….he won’t be back



  220.  #220Mandy on November 25, 2015 at 12:13 pm

    Indigo…..D’OH!!!!!!!!

    It was one of those timehop things.

    I am so used to being screwed with maniuplated and made jealous I sometimes wonder if it’s happening again!



  221.  #221IamHis on November 25, 2015 at 1:35 pm

    Said no! To driving, to grocery shopping, to cooking this fabulous dish that always does and would give me all kinds of compliments…because I needed to rest! I needed a break from my two jobs! I needed to be alone! and it feels so good! I don’t need the compliments to feel good…doing what I’m doing right now feels so much better.

    and this was really interesting, since I struggle with PMS so much…

    “Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience PMS. There is a strong correlation between PMS and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. In some cases women who have learned successfully to deal with their feelings have felt their PMS symptoms disappear…”

    Wow, wow, wow. I want this!



  222.  #222Turquoise on November 25, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    Hi Sirens…. I’m so happy to be leaving work and not returning until Tuesday! I haven’t had a break like this since June, when I went on vacation for the first time in years. But this is different, I get to be home… see friends and family and hopefully date. My girls left last night to visit their dad until Sunday. Still working some things out… but plan to be out and about.

    Someday is at the dentist right now with an issue that’s making him miserable and has family in town, plus his daughter this weekend. I’m disappointed, but understand the holidays don’t always allow for free time from family. We shall see if he can work things out to make some time for us.

    My CD’s are in and out of communication… feeling kinda eh about all of them. But I did hear from a new guy today that sounds great… he’s just bald, and that’s really not my type. I’ll still meet him… but I can’t shake that feeling that while I know appearance isn’t everything obviously… really, do I have to sacrifice what I really want? Why can’t the universe send me the total package? I’m not even that picky… I just like a man with hair, lol.

    Two old CD’s popped back up this week. Anyone remember Mr. Conversation? We had a HUGE falling out last winter and I haven’t really talked to him since. The other is the first guy I dated when I was single years and years ago. He’s married now… feels gross to hear from him. I don’t respond anymore.



  223.  #223T-Girl on November 25, 2015 at 3:20 pm

    Turq, is Mr. Conversation the guy that helped you set up your website for your candies?

    I wouldn’t get so hung up on the physical. My husband was not my type AT ALL. In fact, prior to us meeting he told me he emailed me through a dating site and I never responded lol. But when we met at a party, he was so funny and charming that I was so attracted to him. He asked me out while we were at a different event the week after and I was so excited and it has been wonderful ever since. None of the guys that were “my type” have ever treated me the way he does.



  224.  #224Starla on November 25, 2015 at 3:58 pm

    Ugh, I just had a great opportunity to respond to something my man said in a vulnerable way, but instead I got defensive. Ugh… missed opportunity. He said I wasn’t opening myself up to our relationship being good and safe, and I sorta criticized him for not listening to what I was just saying about why I feel that way. I wish I had just said “Ohhh it’s so true, it’s feeling really challenging right now…”

    Blah. Mad at myself.



  225.  #225Starla on November 25, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    Well, it turns out I was able to say the vulnerable thing after all, so that’s good.

    I wish this didn’t feel so hard. There are so many temptations to slide back into old approaches and patterns. And when you stop feeding the dysfunction, your partner may try to keep it going, even if they swear up and down they’re not interested in that.



  226.  #226Susan on November 27, 2015 at 7:49 pm

    How do u get someone to give me a hand with a comment ?



  227.  #227Caleb Prevento on January 1, 2016 at 2:34 am

    Good morning :), congrats on the awesome,good site that you made. I kinda reminds me of my workout to increase vertical vid https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OFUXZmxYPo that I uploaded a couple of days ago. May you please check it out and let me know if you would consider posting it? I’d very much appreciate it a bunch, mate. Anyway, I only write about increase vertical jump although if you’ve got any more ideas about what else you wanna to look at, all ideas are welcome at https://www.youtube.com/user/MikeMillerReviews Merry (late) Christmas!



  228.  #228Ashley on January 6, 2016 at 9:07 am

    I appreciate these articles and the inspiration they give me. Right now, I’m experiencing a difficult situation. I’ve been trying to solve my problem like it is a science experience. I’ve been trying to gather information and facts that correlate with my situation. It hasn’t been easy. But I’ve learned a lot about myself and the emotions, which drive me. My struggles are similar to the ones I’ve read about here. Except the man I love has an addiction problem. It’s complicated and shameful to talk about. I hear “He won’t change,” and “he played you.” No matter what people say, I do believe this man cares for me. We’ve both hurt each other and it has been hard for me to move on. I ignored him yesterday when he called. Which I’ve never done before. He’s always tied up. Now it is mine turn. But I sent him a text this morning. Now, I feel guilty and I’m not sure why.