Is He Worthwhile If He’s An Alcoholic?

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bad boyYour Question:

“Rori, my friend declared love whilst drunk, and then sober promised relationship. Intense and over-emotional on day one. Went cold 2 days later for 2 days. Then back to warm. Then to detox hardcore and silence. Then messaged ‘not really looking for a relationship thing’ and being cold and being nasty, hurtful, saying opposite what he first said and asking why I’m emotionally connected bonding to him and to stop it.

Even though he initiated and reciprocated the first night.

Need to know was it real is it worth saving and waiting him detoxing?

He’s got 2 kids so have I. We are neighbors since childhood and have a solid brother sister friendship respect loyalty love. We both have our own places in different neighborhoods in same town but back in childhood/ grandma home for summer to enjoy grandchildren they play out front everyday.

At the beginning, he was guiding it asking me to be his woman and homemaker. He told me he loved adored me and would take care of me.

I need a protector provider omg I need a father figure he’s not even a father figure he’s dangerous – he feels guilty as he knows, well, knew, my ex briefly and only via drinks between the fence.

Our first night reawakened me to me my whole being. I had a lot of fear and repression and he helped me. He said things …..he’s got a strong divine feminine intuition and 3rd eye.

I’m happy to wait at sidelines for him to recover and comeback sober he was honest his week of sobering there couldn’t be a relationship thing…

Then his girl told me I’ve got the same name as his ex wife.

I need to know whether he loved me. He told me I took advantage of him he’s the drunk vulnerable one and I’m sober head.

Now this week he’s cold he’s telling me opposite of what he said and promised. And to stop messaging him long stories about us.

I don’t recognize him… I saw his bare soul, we both connected deeply verbally emotionally and heart centered. He told me things he never told anyone…. tears.

To be honest, when I kissed him I thought I could save, fix, heal him…. and help him see his worth and stop his hurt because I’ve overcome the same level and intensity of hurt.

When he came back he worried I wouldn’t go and started messaging he wants to talk and explain himself, and when I went to talk, he was nasty and took back everything and blamed me. He told me weird stuff like he hated my red lipstick, and said I dressed like an aunty and my clothes don’t suit me. Susan…”

My Answer:

Dear Susan, I read your deep, heartfelt letter completely, and your man, who has been your deep friend for so long, is an addict.

To alcohol, and perhaps to drugs you’re not aware of.

His behavior is erratic.

Under detox protocols, and especially if he is in AA, as he should be, he is advised repeatedly not to get involved in a relationship.

This is eating at him, and confusing for him, and he is the deep throes of attempting sobriety.

My advice is plain and simple:  go to Al-Anon.  Find the chapter nearest you and GO to meetings!  Everyone there is an expert and can help you with this.

In a general answer to your question: Love alone is not a solution, an answer, a happy-ending maker.

Love is what is – everywhere. It’s inside you, runs through you, connects us all.

To love any man as if he is the only path to love is something we women have embedded in our psyches, in our intellect, our hearts, our entire belief system.

We look for our twin flames and soulmates, consider ourselves on a “search.”

That is not what love is. Not for me.

I totally adhere to the philosophy of “attraction.” Not “The Law Of Attraction” – because that philosophy, for me, just puts everything back in our own hands and brains.

But just plain, simple “attraction.”

What this looks like is that people, men, partners come and go in our lives, are drawn to us or repelled by us (just like magnetism).

When we discover we are repelling people, we can either subconsciously rejoice because we’re truly so afraid deep down of connecting with anyone on an intimate level (we women are trained to do that all the time), or we can fall in love with our terror and shift our thinking to allow our true selves to emerge.

Our true self is not bound up in anger, resentment and the natural fear which just comes along with the adventure of being alive.

It’s forever entwined with the love that naturally resides in and through us, at the bottom of everything.

Love attracts love.

It also attracts the desire for love – which means you’re going to attract men who are nowhere near ready for a partnership with you, and likely nowhere near even a love affair.  You’re going to attract men who do not attract you – YET – you’ve attracted them for some reason that’s helpful to know and understand.

It’s totally within your power to attract the whole world!

And then – the next step is simple: choose!

If you can open up to attract the world, and yet choose only one to partner with – that’s the loveliest way to see this.  And, choose with all your burners on – not just with the chemically attracted parts.

Action is driven by lots of things. Action that isn’t fueled by love and desire is a masculine energy that repels masculine men.

Action that’s fueled by love and deep desire is feminine energy that can only be attractive.

The fact that you love this man has nothing to do with whether or not he’s “the one.”

For me – there isn’t “the one.”

Instead, there’s “the one” you meet, attract, feel attraction to, and naturally and instinctively mesh together with on so many levels it feels like “it was meant to be.”

This man has a lot of work to do, and I encourage you to Circular Date and discover many more men where attraction on many levels can develop.

Love, Rori

 

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