Is Ignoring A Person Abuse?

Untitled design (14)

bad boyHere’s a comment from Sarah on my post about “ignoring a man“:

I have never heard such a strong argument for justifying abuse as a functional response to abuse.

My first response was “Wow – is that what I said? ”

So here’s the basic question (and I hope you’ll all weigh in on this…) – (and I realize, too – that this is an OLD post, and much of my work has matured over the years…):

Are “coldness” and “moodiness” and “ignoring,” as I describe them in this post – “abuse?”

And here’s my answer:

I do believe that “neglect” is abusive (I once experienced that in a long-term relationship and never put two and two together – though it’s hard to pin neglect down because it’s not doing anything assertively or aggressively TO you – it’s moving AWAY from you).

Yet, I don’t see this discussion in the post as in any way abusive.

People hide and shut down.

That’s the way we protect ourselves, habitually.

For me, “trying” to, or “working towards” opening up a person who’s shut down is non-productive.

To me, a wife is not a therapist.

Her job is not to sit down and try to open up her husband.

Her job is to be there in case he wants to open up, to offer a safe space for him to open up, to set an example and “go first” by opening herself up, and to live her own life without regard to his shutting down.

Ignoring, in this case, is simply not giving energy to something that doesn’t serve you.

It’s not reacting, it’s learning how this particular behavior of someone else’s is triggering you.

That said – the goal is always TALKING…and expressing yourself in Feeling Messages, and doing all the “going first.”

Encouraging and inspiring a man to open up is what we’re all about here, it’s what being a Modern Siren is all about – and yet, directly asking a man to “open up” and be “warmer” or “more attentive” is often useless when it’s a specific part of his nature to retreat and withhold.

The problem is in the dynamic, and in the dynamic I describe – a man’s withholding causes us to chase him down.

It makes us try to “engage” him, and DO things to “warm him up” and get him to give us what we want.

That kind of directed energy, focused on him – gets us the exact opposite of what we want.

He feels even MORE crowded, more pressured, more incompetent at fulfilling our needs.

And then that becomes even more true, as he withholds and withdraws even more to protect himself from what he instinctively feels “not good” with, we feel even more and more neglected, and he feels more and more incompetent.

Ignoring a man is a great first step in the healing process.

It’s a turning back of our “chasing” and “engaging” mechanism.

It stops our instinct to go get what we want.

It stops our instinct to make up for what’s missing.

It keeps us sane, and stops us from intensifying our anger and resentment.

It gives US a moment to breathe and reflect – and it does double duty by taking the pressure off of him.

In this way – “ignoring” becomes a healing mechanism rather than a neglectful one.

Ignoring is not judging. It’s not getting caught up in something. It’s stopping our habitual response to triggers.

Perhaps the word has a connotation that doesn’t work for this – but I like it.

It’s sort of not putting our attention on an ache or pain for a change – instead of staying engaged with the never-ending process of trying to “fix” it.

Neglect would be not feeding ourselves or bathing or smiling at our men for no reason at all.

Ignoring might be not getting caught up in things that are often “none of our business” – in THIS moment.

Let me know what you think, and I’ll keep working this out in my head and on paper.

Thank you, Sarah, for this huge and powerful comment.

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 6:29 am

    Very relevant question

  2.  #2Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 6:33 am

    Ignoring is not judging. It’s not getting caught up in something. It’s stopping our habitual response to triggers.

  3.  #3Tam on July 19, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Her job is to be there in case he wants to open up, to offer a safe space for him to open up, to set an example and “go first” by opening herself up, and to live her own life without regard to his shutting down.

    Amen to that

  4.  #4Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 7:01 am

    86: coco kisses says:
    Hello Sirens…it feels sooo good to read all the posts and Rori’s advice to you all. I’m in a positive place. My Brow Threading Salon will be opening next month, and I am woo focused on that and friends, and of course my daughter that I honestly don’t think about him much, except when he sends texts or tries to call me for retarded things….

    Thursday, 12 July 2012 @ 6:59pm

    CocoKisses wish you would join us on the new thread.

  5.  #5Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 7:05 am

    wendy – more – and this is SO important. We overfunction because we WANT to. You’re going to have to stop, even though it feels wrong, and it’s not really what you want to do. If you need to for now, go volunteer – WITHOUT long-term commitment – at a shelter for women or children, or a soup kitchen, or a political campaign!. That will use your caretaking energy without wrecking your love life. Love, Rori

    Monday, 14 May 2012 @ 10:00am

  6.  #6Emoticon on July 19, 2012 at 7:39 am

    Am i abusing my CDs?

  7.  #7Emoticon on July 19, 2012 at 8:13 am

    “Ignoring a man is a great first step in the healing process.” – <3

  8.  #8Tam on July 19, 2012 at 8:29 am

    and in any case, we stay open when he comes back – if we want to. It’s not that we ignore him to get a reaction or to be manipulative. We ignore or step away to get us focused on our happiness and not make him an external source for self esteem…

    I just don’t like the work ignore much, it’s kind of stubborn sounding. I want to think of a different word. To just let him be, let him be so that we can ‘be’ and receive.

    I don’t feel so triggered anymore as I write this. Today I was at my work seminar and the men were falling over their feet to sit next to me, make compliments, there was even one guy, the Teacher type getting a little jealous…he said to the guy sitting next to me that he seems somewhat distracted. Ha ha. And one of them doesn’t need to come tomorrow as he had the session already..and he said to me ‘I’ll be back tomorrow, to chat more with you’.
    So that perked me up a bit, had a little dose of man-crack…hehe…actually a big dose, and most of these guys are 10 years younger than me.

    I don’t feel so triggered by MrU’s ‘would like to get married’ POF stuff either, whatever, he is entitled to do and say what he wants… I shall try and not perceive it as game playing but just perceive it as a man who is clearly changing his priorities because he has been exposed to such a good woman…hehehe….no WONDER he wants to get married (even if it isn’t to me). And my ‘wants to get married’ inspired him, I went first and he was inspired clearly…
    Absolutely no wonder, because now he has seen that there are good women out and about…
    ok, ok, I stop this nonsense but I like making up positive stories nowadays.

  9.  #9Pamelala on July 19, 2012 at 8:37 am

    In my work as a psychotherapist, I’ve learned that anything other than the openhearted gifts of safety, security and significance can be experienced by the “other” as abuse, abandonment and neglect. So, in theory, ignoring could be experienced by our men as abuse.

    However, I don’t think it has to necessarily BE so. As we know, we are never responsible for feelings of another and if he choosed to feel abused, he has a responsiblity to DO something about it…which lead to a great conversation and relational intimacy.

    I do think, also, that when we know how our behavior affects another, we do have a responsibility to try not to purposely hurt them. For example, if I know that the smell of whiskey triggers flashbacks of abuse for you and I care about you then I will not purposely subject you to the smell of whiskey.

    If my man, based on his life’s journey, is triggered by being ignored, then I think it is definitely abusive to then ignore him and be surprised when he reacts in a way other than on that brings relational intimacy.

    I wish I could hang out and chat more about this topic, but I’ve got to work for an hour and then K is treating me to a day of playing house…where I sit on the back deck reading in the sun and being catered to and he does everything he needs to do to get ready for his trip tomorrow. <3

    Have a beautiful day, Sirens!!

  10.  #10CurvySiren10 on July 19, 2012 at 8:45 am

    Tam, how old are you? You are really impressing me with how well you are working through this MrU stuff. You’ve really good a good handle on it. I don’t really get this latest POF stuff but it sounds to me like he’s mirroring what you wrote in hopes of getting some sort of reaction from you. Who knows. I just wanted to say I think you are doing GREAT and very siren-y! 🙂

  11.  #11Tam on July 19, 2012 at 8:46 am

    Oooh Pamelala, have fun 🙂
    And yes, too right. If I knew a guy has problems from the past around being ignored, I would tread lightly also…but people’s perceptions, and what is really going on are also sometimes two different things.
    I wouldn’t purposefully ignore someone to harm them, but it might be interpreted as such, in fact I had a guy poof on me a few months back, just because I wasn’t very fast on texting or calling him back and he felt ignored.

  12.  #12ReceivingGirl on July 19, 2012 at 8:48 am

    I feel it depends on the intent. If someone is ignoring a person to intentionally make them feel bad or to get back at them, then yes, it’s abuse. If someone is ignoring a person as a fight or flight reaction, then no, it is not abuse.

  13.  #13Tam on July 19, 2012 at 8:49 am

    Curvysiren, spot on. I am 36.
    I looked at his profile and saw he basically has all the same things as me as in whhat he wants ‘open to having kids’ etc. He kind of changed it all and it looks like mine, except it’s his. You could just exchange names and photos (and of course the longer text ‘about yourself’ is totally different). I don’t want to think that it is deliberate but it struck me as mightily strange when I saw it!!
    It’s just a weird coincidence, I mean on paper we are the same now, so both of us are going to get each others profile come up as matches from here till eternal…Crikey.

  14.  #14Tam on July 19, 2012 at 8:50 am

    12 RG, totally agree.

  15.  #15Jasmine on July 19, 2012 at 8:53 am

    I personally define abuse as something that is systematically destructive.

    I do not think your advice on ignoring a man who has withdrawn from you is abusive, in fact, I think your advice is accurate 99% of the time! As in, the right thing to do, and having the affect you describe.

    In taking your advice, and taking care of ourselves, we can avoid the resentment and anger that can build up when we don’t give someone the space they need and take their need for space personally.

    As you say, then we can be open and warm and loving when a man comes back and opens up to us again.

    It’s a balancing act between our own needs and the needs of others. If we’re doing it right, taking care of our own needs well enough, we’ll be able to be there for others.

    I say this because I can see someone using these concepts in an abusive manner, ignoring a man when he DOES come to us to open up as punishment for withdrawing or something like that. That’d be pretty passive aggressive, I suppose.

    The only situation I can see being the 1% time your advice may not be appropriate is if someone is severally depressed. There was a commercial a few years ago, for a suicide hotline I think, and one person stood on a dock, watching another person drown. The catch line was something like, “You wouldn’t just watch a friend drown, would you? Don’t ignore a cry for help.”

    I think your advice on a romantic partner not being the other person’s therapist is important, but the concept of ignoring can be tricky when it comes to something like major depression. It’s important for the withdrawn person to know they are loved and supported.

  16.  #16Tam on July 19, 2012 at 9:00 am

    Curvysiren, I wanted to say thank you so much for your compliment, I have a way to go to feel Sireny, I am at the stage of faking it to make it, well to be fair I am just getting tired of the nonsense a bit…you know what I mean.
    I am trying my best to be authentic and really, I do not care much about what happens next because at least I am not game playing or wanting to manipulate anymore..and I don’t wnt to suspect him of doing it either (that’s hard 😉 )

  17.  #17ReceivingGirl on July 19, 2012 at 9:04 am

    So, last night was bad. I think I may respond, “Please do not contact me anymore. Thank you.” Isn’t that what I have to do to cover myself if I ever want to file harassment charges? If she still contacts me, then she’s in the wrong because I requested her not to?

  18.  #18Tam on July 19, 2012 at 9:08 am

    ((((((RG)))) you shouldn’t be subjected to this. How is she contacting you now? Can you ‘ignore’?

  19.  #19Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 9:10 am

    Carried over from last thread:
    Femininewoman–He owns it free and clear. I came here after the miserable death from liver failure of my late husband, who lost his sobriety after many productive years. I was left destitute, had to quit law school half way through (no money). I was left with just my personal effects, most of which I sold. This was the year of the economic crash actually started. 2007. It has taken me all this time to start to get back on my feet.
    He has plenty– and the idea that he would take this third party to the Caribbean just slays me.
    I wasn’t going to leave a note–but now I think I should.
    I COULD actually say something. But what? and what good would it do? It’s an argument I can’t win.
    I need a script. But I am too destroyed to think clearly.

  20.  #20Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 9:11 am

    I feel powerless…

  21.  #21CurvySiren10 on July 19, 2012 at 9:13 am

    Tam, you ARE Siren-y. Your thoughts and behaviors are right where they need to be.

    In terms of the POF thing- maybe the Universe is trying to tell you (both) something…??!!

    Time will tell on this one…I just have strong vibes about it, but truly only time will tell. You’re doing all the right things…

  22.  #22Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 9:14 am

    My friend says that by pretending I don’t know–I am now lying as well.
    But-I don’t know what to say…

  23.  #23Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 9:16 am

    I agree about intentions. That sets the tone of our actions and how open we are to reconnecting when the man turns to us.

    RG I feel very concerned for your health in all this. I know people keep pushing until they feel heard if they are invested. I am wondering if you know of anyone who could give you some legal advice. Maybe even the cops if she is in your local area. At least just to find out information. Cyberbulling of any kind is a crime in my opinion.

  24.  #24Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 9:19 am

    Miss Bells what argument were you looking to win? I got the impression that you just wanted to communicate about your decision to leave.

  25.  #25Turquoise on July 19, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Hi sirens! Perfect timing for this post for me. Mr. Conversation is still awesome, but dealing with a lot with his divorce, and while I want to help and be there…. Not my job. In his words, he’s not ready fora big, complex new relationship right now, which even if he said he was, I’d know that wasn’t true. My natural instinct keeps coming to me fleeing, to run the other way, end things, have closure…. But I know I’d regret it and miss him terribly. It’s such bad timing, but here we are. Caring about each other, really communicating, being there. So I am focusing on breaking my triggers. Practicing and using my feeling messages. This isn’t easy, I want to do my same habits, but trying to change that.

  26.  #26Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 9:22 am

    I am so grateful to this community-it is one of the only places I can turn. All my friends want to judge–him or me–or make it about them somehow. The women are worse in this case. A relationship blow out can be threatening. I am seeking clarity.

  27.  #27Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Tam I believe you are helping yourself by changing your perspective. It will feed into your thoughts that affect your emotions and I feel confident your actions as well. You might as well make up the best story.

  28.  #28Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Turquiose sounds like a smart man tethered to reality.

  29.  #29ReceivingGirl on July 19, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Tam & FW

    It’s complicated. She did it pretending she was someone else. I believe she hacked their account. I don’t believe this person had knowledge of it. All nasty again. I blocked this person and deleted everything that was posted.

    FW, thank you for your concern. Yes, it is a bit difficult for me.

  30.  #30Starla on July 19, 2012 at 9:31 am

    I like Rori’s definition of ignoring

    Unfortunately, most humans use ignoring as the silent treatment, which is a form of punishing and judging.

  31.  #31Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 9:32 am

    Miss Bells I can’t help but wonder if back then he thought he was being a knight in shining armor rescuing a damsel in distress. Who felt grateful for the assistance and obligated to offer something in return. Which might have been your friendship and companionship and over the years you became invested while he just kept taking what was offered to him. Have you been totally honest with yourself about the arrangements, the expectations and maybe where they might have been misunderstandings?

  32.  #32Annie on July 19, 2012 at 9:32 am

    A man I was getting to know opened up to me and admitted that he consciously did this when he thinks others have treated him badly and he is doing it to send a strong message that they don’t deserve his attention.
    He states he does this for the minimum of three months to see if they come and say sorry.
    He describes it on who will break first.

    I did my best not to get involved and dragged into this listened and then stepped back to observe.

    The people who had conflict with were all attacking him verbally in a forum.
    That did feel bad to me.
    But his ignoring as an observer felt like punishment to me.
    And he said as much.
    His intent was not to go away and work on his own feelings around this it was to punish.

    Another man from my past ignored me for weeks after declaring he was in love with me and chasing connecting emotionally spiritually being there for me for hours and hours day and night for a couple weeks at a time.
    I felt distraught, abandoned, confused and my anxiety of the scale.

    When he came back and I had shifted consciously to a higher place I expressed my truth and he apologized said it was his pattern what he always did and destroyed everything he loved, regretted it deeply but did it out of habit and did not know how to stop doing it.
    He said he was shocked that I didn’t lash out or ignore him and he felt like he deserved the latter.
    This felt like torture to me to be ignored like this.

    The first man was choosing to do it on a conscious level.
    The second was aware that he did it but felt unable to break his pattern.

    Both men are attracted to and attract women who do the opposite.

  33.  #33Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 9:33 am

    No–I still want to stay– and have it be as it was moving towards something better. I want the switch to come back on–as it has for the last 5 years on and off.
    I know all the drawbacks–my friends are probably right about his defects–he is 63 and never made a real commitment–drinks too much–is now LYING to me, but still how I feel is just what it is.
    I know that in some cases it is possible to outlast a third party. But that doesn’t mean I can actually keep living here–or even that taking him back–should he ask would be good for me.
    That is what I need clarity about. If I REALLY didn’t give a s**t I would just stay here and ignore him. This is a great home. I can do what I want here. If he were inconsequential to me. I would just start openly dating out of this house. And not blink.

  34.  #34Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 9:35 am

    I just don’t have an on/off switch.
    He does. But–when I REALLY leave his switches on again.

  35.  #35Turquoise on July 19, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Yes FW, he’s such a great guy. If I’d met him a year from now, things would probably be so different…. But I still have so much to learn, that this is great practice for me. I just don’t want to fall in love with an unavailable man.

  36.  #36Tam on July 19, 2012 at 9:41 am

    26 FW thank you, I feel the kind words lift me up to keep going .. 🙂

  37.  #37Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 9:42 am

    @30: We have both been as honest as we could be. I was the partner, the girlfriend, the lover. He never would go all the way with it, but it was real. And when I left–he CAME AFTER me. 3 times now. The chasing thing just started last summer for a few weeks, then nothing till now.
    When I moved back in I had been the weekend girlfriend for several months. I had an illness that got serious, and was only treated starting in March.
    I told him them (his switch had gone to the off position) That I could live there as fiancee or as house-mate. Not friend with bennies. But–if he went out with anyone else I couldn’t live here. I would leave. He was clear on that. So, now he is breaking the agreement and sneaking.

  38.  #38Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 9:44 am

    RG has he indicated that he had any discussion with her about doing this?

  39.  #39Starla on July 19, 2012 at 9:48 am

    i was 150% kind and respectful to CF about his decision to stop dating me, I deserved a 2-way conversation. I didn’t deserve being ignored as punishment. There was nothing to punish me for. If it as simply what he wanted, he could have just said so.

    He sucks:(

    And I don’t really believe he sucks and I’m still waiting on him.

    But he sucks:(

  40.  #40Tam on July 19, 2012 at 9:50 am


  41.  #41Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 9:52 am

    RE 36 Miss Bells you told him you would leave but your pattern with him thus far has been leaving and later returning. It seems he has figured out to break down your boundaries so I suspect he might not be moved if you leave. I also want to share something I got from another coach.


    Norma, you agreed with him that you should keep your relationship secret until you were sure you wanted to get married.

    But later on, you changed your mind and demanded him to go public. Wow.

    Men are simple creatures, and they like to live simple, ordered lives. But when you flip-flop on your agreements like that, it agitates them.

    And instead of spending their time loving you, they end up spending their time trying to figure you out — and re-evaluating their feelings for you.

  42.  #42ReceivingGirl on July 19, 2012 at 9:53 am

    FW, she did it to him too. He spoke to her thinking he was speaking to this other person. He’s going to talk with his lawyer today.

  43.  #43Turquoise on July 19, 2012 at 9:54 am

    One thing that has changed, I finally believe that I am the prize, the yummy pie and a catch! It’s an amazing feeling to actually like myself this much.

  44.  #44Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 10:02 am

    Each time I left it was because he went cold and tools didn’t work. And each time he would start small and I would respond because my feelings hadn’t changed, and I hadn’t gotten away far enough or long enough. He admits that he is the instigator and that it is crazy.
    This time– I have kept my end. We have been getting along very well. Making a better nest. We have a good and peaceful home life.
    I have kept my options open, kept the online dating sites, but haven’t rubbed his face in it. He knows he hasn’t offered me anything that would indicate I should close off my options. But– I haven’t actually been going out with anyone but him. My heart is not in it.
    What I am getting here is that even though we are honoring our feelings we sometimes have to do things we don’t “feel like”.
    This time–the agreement that was broken was his not to date others as long as I am here. Since he is lying about it, it is hard to call him on it. How do I say it without a YOU statement?

  45.  #45Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 10:04 am

    So– he is the flip-flopper and I am the Co.

  46.  #46Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 10:05 am

    He is extremely indecisive, and his main emotions are regret and resentment.

  47.  #47Tam on July 19, 2012 at 10:06 am

    Ok, so he wrote back. Jeepers, he is getting so fast. I almost hoped he would give it a few days.
    I mean, I have just rolled out pretty much everything that used to bug me – in as nice as possible a way (totally non blamey). Things from the past also…
    So I was sure that he would retreat, but no.
    I am not ready to have an email just half a day later!!!
    Hehehe…Mrs Unavailable here….I admit it.

    So now I am back again at the little kid stage. putting the hands over my eyes and thinking nobody can see me. And I want to ignore the email, the usual pattern, because I worry what he will have written there that might trigger me or make me feel bad or whether he is referring to all the stuff I laid out, including the fact that I said I felt unsure as to whether I would like to have a friendship….so now I am scared of my own courage, which is soooooo typical for me.

    I am going to give myself permission to ignore the email for a bit and bathe in the last throngs of my fear of intimacy. 🙂

  48.  #48ReceivingGirl on July 19, 2012 at 10:09 am


  49.  #49Starla on July 19, 2012 at 10:09 am

    yay turquoise, you definitely are!

  50.  #50Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Once, a couple of years ago, before I left the second time, he was complaining to a friend about me–how he wanted to be free.
    The friend told him “you should say all that to her, not to me.” So he cut the friend off and never talked to him again, and I am still here.
    We joke about his regret problem…

  51.  #51Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 10:11 am

    Miss Bells there is some “evidence” that you have collected that essentially makes you dishonest if it is not brought up. I would ask myself if I see him as sneaking around where am I sneaking around? and at least be honest with myself.

    Whatever you bring up is focussed on his behavior. However maybe “I feel a distance between us and I feel confused about it. Is there something I need to know? I feel lonely and disconnected and I don’t want to feel this way with you?”

    Though I believe if you already have evidence you might not be able to handle any discussion with him unless that is addressed. That unfortunately could cause him to question himself if he can trust you.

  52.  #52Starla on July 19, 2012 at 10:13 am

    thank you for the hugs, tam

    i need mucho hugs today

    ((((((((my grief))))))))

  53.  #53Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Miss Bells can you see how not taking care of yourself have facilitated his behavior? In any way?

  54.  #54Tam on July 19, 2012 at 10:15 am

    oh, I read it and it said that he is ‘glad I am doing so much better and to keep it up’….ermmm…I just told him everything that bugged me and he thinks now that he is my psychologist?
    I guess that is the risk one takes when admitting feelings….I made it all about me and now he is telling me: ‘well done, little girl, you’re doing well’.

    And the other thing he wrote was that he is going to try now to sell all his stuff, so he is packing up basically.

    I do not feel inspired by that, as per usual. I don’t know. He hasn’t said anything about the Condo renting and is telling me he is moving away…and that I am doing well.
    I take that at face value: no interest.
    Ok then.

  55.  #55New Siren on July 19, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Hi ladies,

    Just wanted to share that I have gone 24 hours without contacting my ex’s…baby steps:)

    I am proud of me.


  56.  #56Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Tam I can’t help but wonder if he is packing up to come chase you?

  57.  #57Ella on July 19, 2012 at 10:18 am

    Hello FW

    Reading 40 I feel a lil insecure.

    Did Rori write that?

    Sometimes I am all over the shot with my emotions, and I frequently change my mind about stuff.

    But I am authentic. And honest. He knows I would tell him if I am not feeling right.

    I don’t know something about that sentence triggers me to feel shut down and small.

    Like I am not allowed to change my mind based on what I feel, even if that meant asking a man to go public about something that had previously been agreed as secret.

  58.  #58Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 10:18 am

    The evidence came to me as an honest mistake. Both our phones are the same red model. I had mine on the charger and he switched them.
    The only way I have been dishonest is by not letting him know I know.
    I tried, right after he went on a sailing trip that we talked about going on. He took her.
    So I said I felt a bad vibe and was leaving to Australia to see our friend Jay, and that I wanted him to protect the space here until I could leave (October) He agreed to this, but never admitted anything. This is when he DID admit that his behavior in reeling me back in was crazy.
    I will have to come out and say it if I want him to get the message.

  59.  #59Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Ella no. Alexandra Fox – and the context is that the girlfriend went public as in really public. I thought the whole thing was too long to post. I believe your situatuon is different.

  60.  #60Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 10:23 am

    Miss Bells I would mention about the switching of the phones, what I saw and how crushed I have felt since then.

  61.  #61Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 10:24 am

    Yes– I can see that it was too easy to get me back without making any real changes.
    In 09 I said we wouldn’t be friends and I didn’t cave, till he came to me.
    It seems that I am going to have to be the one–and not let him in if/when he shows up.
    That is why I wanted to go to Australia. Taking care of me involves healing, and if the scab keeps getting picked that can’t happen.
    I wish I didn’t care, and I could just stay here and date others.
    Otherwise, I take great care of myself–good food, a garden, enough leisure time.
    And we had an outwardly healthy and well ordered life.
    I am grieving. Like a death.

  62.  #62Emoticon on July 19, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Brava New Siren

  63.  #63Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Miss Bells when he chase you, he needs to experience you as new – with strong boundaries.

  64.  #64Starla on July 19, 2012 at 10:35 am

    88% say they have creeped an ex’s facebook page, study finds

  65.  #65Tam on July 19, 2012 at 10:37 am

    55 FW, oh no, he is wanting to move to Europe but a different country. I don’t want to put more imagination into this imaginary thing.
    It’s all his thing, nothing to do with me. In fact, I invited him here a few months back, but I knew he would not come, he would not like to stay with me, or anyone for more than a day or two, he is very private. He did look for flights though, which surprised me, and they were very expensive which also was a factor.
    He has this fantasy that everything will be better in Europe, he finds Florida too superficial – but he does not realise that he has lived there for 50 years and has become part of it. I am pretty sure he will not stay in Europe, but the boy’s gotta do what he’s gotta do – and he will. He always achieved all his goals like that.
    I feel sad that he might not even be in Fl when I get back, and maybe that is why he did not say about the Condo…he might have sold it all by then.
    That’s really sad.
    It also makes me realise that there is no planning for a future…I am kind of certain he will stay till I get back, but he will also run with his dream…we are very similar and I used to do the same.
    I always left broken hearts behind because I had dreams of moving away here and there, taking different jobs etc.
    We are so similar, but you see I don’t want to do that anymore, I want to settle now and not live out of a suitcase. I want maybe a family (maybe)….I am ready to heal my constant running away, and he is still in the middle of it. ((((MrU)))))
    It’s ok. I felt sad when I heard he considers selling up and sent him a message saying so, it was an impulse which is something I rarely have.
    I feel sad.

  66.  #66Tam on July 19, 2012 at 10:38 am

    63, Starla I am surprised it’s not 99.9% 😉

  67.  #67Tam on July 19, 2012 at 10:40 am

    If he just tried to get a reaction out of me by telling me he is selling up, well it worked, haha 😉
    nah, he’s been planning for a while..

  68.  #68Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 10:42 am

    Ella I would ask myself what am I telling/saying to myself – why that sentence triggers me.

    Remember Rori says “what you don’t love about yourelf triggers you.

    In my personal experience – what I’m fighting within myself, and not owning and LOVING and forgiving and making peace with and embracing inside myself – are the things that most trigger me.

    For instance, if someone were to call me “selfish” I would be hugely triggered.

    When someone mentions my age as though I don’t look “20 years younger” (the way I prefer to see myself…) I find myself hating them and feeling offended.

    I get triggered just as much as anyone.

    The trick is to be able to “catch” all of this, realize quickly that there’s some more love that has to be slathered on myself – these triggered areas especially – and move toward a more peaceful attitude and perspective.

    I change the “meaning” I’ve given it all.

    Love, Rori

  69.  #69Daria on July 19, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Miss Bells – it seems the situation can be turned around by you starting to date others right now!

    or else by leaving…

    either way, it will take some baby steps and some effort to get used to this new behavior (CDating)

    it feels very ‘not like us’ to most of us who didn’t grow up surrounded by multiple adoring men all the time

  70.  #70Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 10:43 am

    This time I am afraid he won’t even try–what if he marries this person?
    And another part of me doesn’t want him back. Really!
    He does drink too much–he is a proven cheater. (not just me–his girlfriend when I met him 25 years ago.

  71.  #71Starla on July 19, 2012 at 10:44 am

    Tam, I am a professional pollster, and my professional opinion is that the number probably leans more into the mid-90s when you take into account level of confidence. Respondents lie, even to anonymous surveys, lol.

  72.  #72Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 10:45 am

    Tam part of Rori’s mantra is Be Surprised.

  73.  #73Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 10:46 am

    RE 69 Miss Bells so “why am I here” is a good question to ask yourself. What is the tradeoff?

  74.  #74Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 10:52 am

    I started a 50+ singles meetup group last summer when I left the last time. It has 260 members and is the second biggest meetup around my area. So– I have been posting and attending all kinds of events with my new activity partners. Not quite CDing, but it gets me out of the house with other available men and companionable women.
    I invited the whole meetup to the party.Got 65 yes rsvp. It is a big do, and there is room for all of them plus the regular people we always invite.
    So-my new pals will make for a very good party.
    I am throwing a big party with this man in a week!!! I just have to carry this off, then I can deal with the crap.

  75.  #75Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 10:52 am

    I started a 50+ singles meetup group last summer when I left the last time. It has 260 members and is the second biggest meetup around my area. So– I have been posting and attending all kinds of events with my new activity partners. Not quite CDing, but it gets me out of the house with other available men and companionable women.
    I invited the whole meetup to the party.Got 65 yes rsvp. It is a big do, and there is room for all of them plus the regular people we always invite.
    So-my new pals will make for a very good party.
    I am throwing a big party with this man in a week!!! I just have to carry this off, then I can deal with the crap.

  76.  #76Zara on July 19, 2012 at 10:56 am

  77.  #77Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Yeah–good Q
    I was here because I love him, and I believed (he said) he loved me.
    As long as there was the appearance of a good relationship I continued to hang with it–to give it a chance and see what would happen.
    Now–I am NOT really here in a certain sense.

  78.  #78CurvySiren10 on July 19, 2012 at 10:57 am

    ((((Starla)))) adding more hugs. keep on processing this…your CF is stuff is far from over but you are doing amazingly well with it! You are amazing!

    Turqoise, I feel like I was Mr. Conversation a while ago. I met the man I’m engaged to when I was going through my divorce. He stepped away at one point which was SO hurtful and difficult for me, but looking back- it was the smartest thing he ever did for us. Once I was free and healing, we started to rebuild things. Would be happy to share more…if you’re interested.

  79.  #79Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Miss Bells it seems to me you know what to do

  80.  #80Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Miss Bells it seems to me you know what to do. Also I saw Dominique write to you a couple of times

  81.  #81Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Miss Bells it seems to me you know what to do. Also I saw Dominique write to you a couple of times

  82.  #82Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 11:06 am

    re:68–Daria–So you don’t think it is crazy to put “stay here and openly date others” as one choice of action?
    Right now I am on fire.
    But–I really don’t want to move again.
    There are a couple of dateable men in my greater world.
    There is a VERY old ( i was 21) boyfriend who lives not far away. He is invited to the party. He loves to salsa.

  83.  #83Starla on July 19, 2012 at 11:11 am

    eeeeeee thank you curvysiren you always make me feel better:)

  84.  #84ReceivingGirl on July 19, 2012 at 11:16 am

    @77 CurvySiren

    I would be interested. I think that is what I’m about to do too.

  85.  #85Daria on July 19, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Miss Bells – well… I would talk about moving out with him.

    Cuz the whole ‘running away’ thing seems a lil too adventurous and fun… so if that’s not something that feels solid and you want a lil more communication…

    i’d talk clearly about the other woman, about my dating… and take that as a baby step

    the other option is the running away which from my experience also feels quite empowering 🙂 i’ve done it to other countries before and was like “Yay”

    but I know it seems so… well i judged myself as immature but that’s not the truth about it is it… i’m just brave and exciting and spontaneous and fun… and i Will take care of myself no matter what when it comes down to it 🙂

    So either way, i mean with the dating thing it might make you even MORE sure you’ll be moving out… you just don’t know, some guy could sweep you off to an even better arrangement… it just gets better thats what i say… i mean, i wont let it get worse… i just require better… and i know my power… i can keep what i have or babystep open to better, whether its by leaving now or dating now, ‘shrug’ its whatever… im staying with my parents for now even tho they go ‘drama crazy’ sometimes just cuz this is a BEAUTIFUL house that feels like im living MTV cribs life… so ”” its my life ! “”” 🙂

  86.  #86Tam on July 19, 2012 at 11:22 am

    71 very soothing FW thank you 🙂

    well I am surprised already, just not positively. I must have made it all up,the imaginary relationship. He did not even understand the message. I said I felt sad that he is selling up and moving, he just right now answered this:

    ‘not a sad thing at all.. actually a pretty cool thing.. I’ve not “rooted” here and am ok with going on to the next challenge.. ‘

    Not rooted in 50 years, well that’s beside the point. I wasn’t saying ‘you must be sad’, which is what that would have been the reply to. I said that I was sad.

    I feel now that he was concerned about me here, and worried, really as a friend and nothing else.

    I don’t see much point in carrying my experiment on for another 1 1/2 weeks because I just don’t feel it anymore, he is too cold for me now.
    It’s NC from today again, I will just slip away, no need to tell him.

  87.  #87Daria on July 19, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Wow Miss Bells you are so social! go you! why do you have to throw the party with him :/

    ew … kick him out… bring a new date

  88.  #88Tam on July 19, 2012 at 11:24 am

    I do feel very sad, but didn’t really expect any different. Maybe it is for the best, and maybe it will be for the best if he is already gone when I get back.
    I do not want to find myself there and doing stuff with him and then he just disappears….better like this.

  89.  #89Daria on July 19, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Tam – he’s still writing you…

    that means he’s ‘In there” with you

    did you write clearly “I FEEL SAD 🙁 ”

    if so, thats still a man thing to do you know explain it away


    so this guy seems like he LIKES YOU

    hes ‘GIVING’ to you in that interaction, saying something that in his man way would avoid the pain of sadness


    it feels funny actually to me …

    anyway this guy likes you

    so i would be direct with him


    and then he might go overseas and come back like a sad guy and then you're all

    🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 smily

    and then he's like

    "thats weird"

    and then your'e all like 🙁 ohhh booo

    and then hes like

    🙁 oh its not sad at all, actually i was just moving

    and then you're like

    :)) :)))

    and hes like :)) ::)))) ***

    drool and you guys get married and he takes care of you forever yay!!!

    🙂 🙂 🙂

    and hes like 🙂 🙂 🙂

    yay i got saved by WOMAN!!

    wowoo hoooooo


    and its in taking care of my WOMAN

    and youre like … YEAH D:)

    im TAM im so awesome and i/ LOVE doing TAM stuff

    and i got this man thing down yeah 🙂 and

    im feeling great 🙂

  90.  #90Daria on July 19, 2012 at 11:35 am

    IM just feeling adoringly fantastic 🙂

    yay 🙂

    men don’t know how to get at me 🙂

    i do magical LK like things 🙂 hi LK 🙂

    and i feel sooo excited too about my lifre

    last nite i was talking to a man and i found out where im gonna go to in brazil

    im going to salvador de bahia

    yay 🙂

    i kept hearing about it and last nite this man started talking about spirits and i knew he was about to tell me something important and he told me

    about it and im like yeah ok I HEAR YOU NOW SPIRITS lol



    im going!!!


    he will even help me he said

    ive met like at least 10 men who said they will help me



    always meet more in the direction im going

    life on earth for lil girl from where im from

    surviving to thriving to evolving

  91.  #91CurvySiren10 on July 19, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Tam, I sorta agree with Daria here. I think you’re interpreting everything he says from a position of defensiveness. Just my read on it. Best to let it flow…see what happens. Stay open. Stay warm. Be surprised. I feel you closing yourself off from him to protect yourself rather than just letting this happen. What do you think?

    RG, I will write more when I can (after work) about my experience. I should have mentioned you (and Memulo) in my post to Turquoise as well. Sorry bout that. Something she said really spoke to me but it’s really relevant to all of you.

  92.  #92Daria on July 19, 2012 at 11:36 am

    my parents didnt grow up poor like me

    its a bit of a crazy reality

    to think that i was one of my generation

    the no blue jeans no sneakers no chocolate no orangers generation

  93.  #93siren song on July 19, 2012 at 11:38 am

    how long is too long to return a message from a cd? i didn’t see one that a guy sent 8 days ago. i feel werdly concerned about replying after over a week.

  94.  #94siren song on July 19, 2012 at 11:38 am

    i feel scared i’ll look like i was avoiding him.

  95.  #95ReceivingGirl on July 19, 2012 at 11:39 am

    Thanks CurvySiren, I look forward to reading it 🙂

  96.  #96Tam on July 19, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Daria and curvy siren. So nice of you.
    I loved your take on it Daria.
    I caught a different vibe and now just feel like I made it all up…yes, I did say ‘I feel sad’. And I do because he was the second person I ever met there and a super friend. So I feel sad for losing that and more sad for losing the romantic possibility.
    Daria that is so cute, imagining him coming back, pretty sure he will eventually, still be same though. He knows of my feelings, so I don’t need to state again.
    Curvy Siren also thank you – I always stay open, you know, but it has made me vulnerable to be available when I should have had my boundaries in place….
    I just feel sad also, that he is selling ‘our toys’, the boats.
    So many happy memories and I looooved them, only small old things… 🙁

  97.  #97Tam on July 19, 2012 at 11:48 am

    Daria your piece about the situation made me feel smiley now 🙂
    Just for a second, ha!!

  98.  #98Daria on July 19, 2012 at 11:49 am

    gray blocs

    broken glass

    polysterene – packing bubbles

    and tube bergman – to shoot paper arrows from

    and broken pieces of plastic

    going in the sewer

    that day georgiana almost got raped by the crazy man on top of the building

    real life stuff

    bad ass 80s baby stuff

    that our parents didnt know about

    i dont think they lived like us

    not exactly like us

    things were sweeter in their time


    they still had the crazy rapists aroudn probably

    and alcoholism

    and violence

    they had….

    more violence

    wellllll they had more hope too their generation

    hippie babies

    country food


    cream of the crop


    us we were badass

    it meant nothing

    that we had lines for food

    or that i used to car milk home to where it felt like i could barely walk

    or that i was home by myself at 5 years old and everyday since from school

    DDDAAAMN that means i came home by myself at 6!!!!!

    I was badass!!!

    and i bought milk… down the street… and carted it home…

    like 4 liters of milk sometimes

    and then 6 stories up

    ikn the building

    and our building got broken in like 6 times in 9 months


    and my parents were always scared of the outside


    and i vowed im gonna get to kno these outside ppl so i dont ever have to worry about being scared of them

    so i did

    and i was outside playing till nite damn that ish felt fun

    waht a crazy crazy life 🙂

    i wonder if anybody would understand exept the ppl who were there

    we know the taste of it in our mouth hehe 🙂

    i dont think i can make others understand

    it was like —— knowing nothign about the world ————————

    like living in the middle ages… in a BUBBLE

    and when we got one time – BALOONS with helium from outside— it seemed the outside world was … lke magic carpet ride

    and here i am… just a couple years later….

    WT DA FUCHKK!!!!!

    who knew the world was gonna blow apart like that ?

    ugh i feel sick

    with the poison and they said ‘excess’

    and its not the ‘exces” i ssee now its the poison

    its poisoned energy grrr

    i feel sick

    all the bright colors spinning and noit feeding my heart aghh

    i feel nausesous sick


    the vaccinee

    immigrant vaccine who knows wat is doen to my mind and sadness to sadness


    tears of shame

    the beliefs squirted into my blood the traumas of a icky


    i ama apowerful being

    i am healed kn healing myself i am safe

    i feel crying

  99.  #99Daria on July 19, 2012 at 11:52 am

    i have discovered that behind my mind i have a soul and she is a she of all things


    she always has been

    and my first love the prophet told me

    your boy is beating up your girl

    and he was


  100.  #100Tam on July 19, 2012 at 11:54 am

    I did tell him just now:
    ‘I still feel very sad that you are leaving, I just can’t imagine a Florida without you.
    but I admire that you’re about to do something so gutsy’.

    So there Ladies, I stay open! Despite wanting to throw the big baby out with the bathwater 😉

  101.  #101Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    Miss Bells I feel a little concerned that “some guy could sweep you off to an even better arrangement” might be end up being a similar situation like this one. I would want to be able to take care of myself and my life first before attracting someone to take care of me again. But that is me.

    I also want to share that Virginia Feingold Clark, another coach, shared something similar about kinda running away from her situation in a sneaky way by throwing him out and changing the locks. I got the sense that is not the best thing to do. Something like sending out the wrong message to the Universe.

  102.  #102ReceivingGirl on July 19, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Oh boy…I feel all sad and crying. Mr. Observant phoned and he asked me if I was hesitant. I wanted to wait to talk until after his doctor appointment, so I wasn’t excited when he said that. We talked a little and he understands how I feel and will respect the decision I make, but he, of course, has a preference as to which decision I make. He also told me, no matter what I decide, he wants me to know how much good I’ve done for him and how much he appreciates me just letting him talk and listening to him.

  103.  #103Emoticon on July 19, 2012 at 12:21 pm


  104.  #104Tam on July 19, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    ((((RG)))) wait and see…

  105.  #105Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    What to do is get an HS ectomy from my heart.
    Then where I live will not be the big thing–it will work out.

  106.  #106ReceivingGirl on July 19, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Thanks Emoticon.

    Thanks Tam. Wait and see, I don’t understand what you mean.

  107.  #107Belle on July 19, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    I feel back to Rock Star status now…posting here is motivating!
    I felt slumpy and droopy and remembered
    I am not a little girl!
    I am a grown woman!
    I have options and choices!
    He and I have been through this before, for 3 months, and I was the one who started it up again for 2 weeks.
    It was only 2 weeks. For 3 months before that everything was pretty much like it is now between us. I survived, I thrived, I felt alive!
    So I grabbed a co-worker and hooped outside, shook it off, made crazy animal noises.

    I feel bouncy and like my nerves are super-sensitive, my chest feels achey, and I feel powerful again!!

    Tim Minchin’s song, “If I Didn’t Have You (Someone Else Would Do)” is playing in my head.
    How does it get any better than *this*??

  108.  #108Starla on July 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    so it looks like the vast majority of men who view my online dating profile follow up with a message.

    that’s cool

    i just made a little list that said “things that make me happy” and like 10 or so things

    and for the first date info i said i’d feel most comfortable meeting strangers in highly public places for the first meeting, lol.

  109.  #109Tam on July 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    I feel icky at continuing to stay open though.
    Defences, yes, but also realisation that I believe men act differently when they have feelings for a woman.
    It is what it is, I don’t feel the love. I just don’t feel it anymore. I was sure of it and now I just feel silly. I kind of knew, because I know him well. I feel vulnerable that I have spilled my guts out in front of him….and opened up. It was an experiment and I am proud I managed to stay true to myself, but it also feels cringey. It feels cringey that I would have liked to have heard just a ‘will miss you too’ or ‘am sad we won’t be able to do our stuff anymore’, so I must have had expectations I guess?!
    It doesn’t feel good to see he is so excited to be leaving….
    But perhaps it didn’t feel good to him that I was not sure we could stay friends. We are both good at seeing rejection everywhere.
    I need to get back on my little horse..

  110.  #110Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    I’m not the one who suggested getting “swept away”. In fact I am so shut down right now it isn’t likely anyhow.
    He has said in the last six months-“why don’t you marry a Jewish doctor” (I am a Jew). He means he thinks I am “too good” for him, that I outclass him.
    This woman up the road does not outclass him. In fact, he outclasses her in his mind.
    I don’t think this way.
    I also don’t feel the need to address my dating others with him. I feel that it has already been discussed, just not acted on.
    It is hard. i have no car and we live miles from any transportation. Sometimes I drive his car.
    If I got a car, which I can now afford, it would make things easier.
    But–I don’t want to get the car if I am just going to move somewhere I don’t need one.
    There is no one in this area I feel really close to anymore–a little bit but not really.
    And in the 35 years I have been here I have had more sorrow than joy. Maybe it just isn’t my spot. Maybe my friends have their own motives for wanting me to leave him but stay nearby.
    Maybe it should be “stand my ground with the house” or leave all the way to Australia. And a true fresh start.
    It may not be possible to be completely authentic with him– but with me I can.
    I know what is behind doors 1, 2, and 3. I want a door number 4. Just don’t know what that looks like…

  111.  #111Smile on July 19, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    75@ Zara

    Thanks this helped a lot!

  112.  #112Tam on July 19, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    RG, sorry, I meant time will tell. Sorry, very general but I do believe that when something is meant to be it will happen and I often feel impatient and a sense of urgency but time will tell, also with your situation I really feel that. Staying open..

  113.  #113Daria on July 19, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    i was scared i was meant to be a boy and i didn’t want to believe i had a boy even though i did and wanted to hehe

    and through all this journey i am learning to unveil a woman in me that is sooo fuchkin fantastic like a baby and ana ocean and a BEING magnificently large

  114.  #114Daria on July 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    would want to be able to take care of myself and my life first before attracting someone to take care of me again

    ACKKKKK WALL SLAM feeling shock

    actually i no i dont

    i am constantly attracting someone and the universe to take care of me

    i dont need to shut down and close off until im good enough at taking care of me

    im ok to open up when i feel broken and overwhelmed

    im ok i will learn to take care of me better by not shutting down

    this feels spasmodic in my body

    im controting and tightening

    my butt is tightening


    i want to heal this

    i feel quite calm with my butt very tight

    what a interesting feeling

    im squeezing the tension out of my buttocks

    ive noticed myself doing this before

    at acupuncture


    it feels


    i feel supported and strong


    this feels


    i feel clear headed

    i can even do other activities like type and smoke yet im tight tigh squeezing the muscles of my butt

    i wonder wht this is about

    it feels good

    i dont want to tsop

    till im all squeezed out or soemthing


    i dont know

    it fels embarassing ecxciting wonderous pleasant powerful loving safe

    im safe if i squeeze the sides of my booty reallllly tight

    no one can hurt my heart then



    feeeling confused

    squeezing even more

    my tummy tooo

    my body sponteaneously heals me

    i feel exposed

    my back is moving like a dragon

    i am



    a dragon




    my butt is the most powerful part of me 🙂

    ya butt

    i love you!!!!

    omg that feels scary

    to love my butt

    my butt is powerful and loving

    that feels SOOO unvomfortable to declare

    it sounds “ridiculous!



    how humiliating

    to have to declare i love my butt



    i love me

    i humiliate me to help me heal humiliatinon

    thank you daria

    im sorry

    ew icky gross

    i feel icky and now i feel scape


    still squeezing

    everything out

    of the blood and tissues and the strength that is me

    i feel a bit panicked

    myh body is wiggling in the chari al; by tself


    im dancing

    y booty s dancing on its onw


    yhehe i might as well alet it be


  115.  #115siren song on July 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    daria 112: i love this! i feel similar, like i had to be a tomboy to stand up to the bullies in my family.

    i want to feel like a girl and be happy being one, not feel guilty for wanting to be treated like a woman.


  116.  #116Daria on July 19, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    thank you water

    water i LOVE and HONOR you and always see you and acknowledge you and am open to help you heal 🙂

  117.  #117Daria on July 19, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Siren Song – yay ! it feels so fun to unveil amazing femininity now!

    you know, our families were just doing their best to protect our girls from trauma and stuff… just shut down reactions… its not their fault…


    and now we can heal all that cuz were the FIRST ONES! to have these healing tools after those traumas in our families! 🙂

  118.  #118Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    He has said in the last six months-”why don’t you marry a Jewish doctor” (I am a Jew).


  119.  #119Turquoise on July 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    Curvy siren, I would like to hear more. I know I need to CD, but I’m also really focused on myself right now. I started exercising again, am busy making plans for my candy business, and catching up with friends and family. With work, and both my girls going cheer now (CV made her competitive squad on Saturday!!!) I can’t get to wrapped up in him. He wants to talk in person about us… Make sure we are on the same page, so curious to see what he offers/suggests. Did I mention he looks like my vision board guy? Yum….. Lol.

  120.  #120Daria on July 19, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    UGHH i am healing cultural violence and violence around earth

    yummy earth thanks for helping me

    we are healing and im healing and im here with u

    big hug grandmother

    i lvoe you thanks for having *my back

    im going to see about getting some of those EARTHING BLANKETS (google: earthing blanket )

    receiving some earthing blankets would fele wonderful and i love

    this bamboo house you made me

    umgh i just lvoe being alive you guys mmm ffff h ggmmh gmgg

    🙂 L 🙂 🙂 😉 🙂 🙂 🙂

  121.  #121Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    re: 117 Yeah I know…
    I need to get aligned with my own best interest, and leave when I can really go someplace better. But only if I can be completely detached internally.

  122.  #122Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    re: 117 Yeah I know…
    I need to get aligned with my own best interest, and leave when I can really go someplace better. But only if I can be completely detached internally.

  123.  #123Daria on July 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    I am so ready . for a man who can join me in my dance around the world

    in my home that is like an octopus in the world mmmmm

    sliding downt he spirit of daria touches everyplace

    and my tribe will be big with lots of yummy peopel whose bodies will taste so good

    🙂 hehehehehehehehheheheheehe

    i love peopel ike apples and rainforest and

    the colors that permeate right through me

    ack i just jumped hehe

    im gonna get FUCHKED by nature weeeeeeeeeeeerrrhhhffree

    im gonna make myself a wooden dildo loll and learn how to squirt and teach other women lol


    yes but i will 🙂





    they love my ideas and they want to support me SOOO MUCH

    they offer me EVERYTHING


    they know im going to “save the world heheheheherr

    make your path through me right here in my heart and womb in my body is the way to heaven on earth






    i feel tery eyead i feel so happy 🙂

    tjs tjeu ca;; BIPOLAR is realy GENIUS!

  124.  #124Starla on July 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    FW, a jew from the caribbean islands, right?

    you’re the most mysterious, wondrous woman ever.

  125.  #125Dominique on July 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    siren song – #92 & 93 – It doesn’t matter what he thinks. You can’t control this anyway. If you want to talk to him, see him, then tell him the truth exactly as you did here. You didn’t see his message until today.


  126.  #126Daria on July 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    Miss Bells – you cannot be detached internally 🙁

    aww that woudl suck anyway

    you want to be whatever you are and STAND for that

    like FOOT STOMP flamenco – you are GROUNDED! and you ARE!

    and you DO NOT want to tolerate anything that feels bad… and you are very pist and are asking him to move out for 3 days while you bang pots and pans and decide wht to do about feeilng so pist over this woman situation and whether youw ill leave

    and if he doesnt leave, good let him make you feel better… and still bang pots and pans while ‘ignoring’ him too …

  127.  #127Daria on July 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Daria you are one of the most amazing women on here you are not only beautiful but also so intelligent and wow you are just wow

    thas what they say

    thanks men

    sigh 🙂

  128.  #128Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Miss Bells it being his house and property and you being there I am wondering if he would see you as part of his property. To do whatever he wants with it.

    If I were you I would look at things in context. You went there seeking shelter because of your husband’s death and having nothing. Essentially he was playing the role of the rescurer. Maybe he sees now that you no longer need to be rescued. As such he might seeing the true you and now “he thinks I am “too good” for him”, and “that I outclass him.”

    Maybe he sees your power better than you do? I believe your best attitude now would be “I don’t need you, but I want you”. So you can live you life from a place of power regardless of what you decide to do.

    I believe now you are in a place where you want a man to cherish you not a man to rescue you. You are no longer a victim of circumstances that you need a man to make special arrangements for. If it comes with romance then fine but I would get clear on what I want if I were you.

  129.  #129Daria on July 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    i rock

    a natural bushy pussy

    and i send

    pictures of it to men

    who are scared


    and theyre like

    omg yes actualy i like it very much

    im like

    i knew you would


  130.  #130Linda on July 19, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    There is a great lesson in this post. Ignoring, I have used it as a weapon before in the past. It totally was a way of protecting myself and trying to manipulate the response I wanted from another. It is all baaadddd . It feels so bad to be ignored I am really going to have to read this again and again to get it.

    Ms Bells I have lived in this situation with simularities. Only It was my house, my cars, my dime. I understand the chasing thing. Using tools and because of what I had held deep in heart under all the pain and the hurt of his actions I stayed in the relationship. It allll feeels soooo bad and familiar when I read what you are living thru and with right now.

    I left, walked.. he would come back… repeat and repeat. hmmmm it makes no sense to me today, why would a person come after you that doesn’t really want you??? I had it happen to me and it gave me hope but really I was trapped. (I see it now but then I did not) It was NOT the way I wanted to live. I literally would lay in bed at night and prayed to God to “get me out of this, I felt like I was on the titanic or was trapped in quicksand and my nose was barely sticking out to get air and survive.

    I see many similarities in what you write. I have great empathy for you. Disfunctional dynamics , smudgie lines, lies, secretiveness, disappointment, disrespect ,confused mis defined priorities and relationship definition and boundries all added up to a thing that just one big ugly thing to me.

    What do I want? What do I need? What do I need to feel? Does this relationship afford these thing for you? I asked myself those very questions and made myself busy adjusting my life so I could have those things. I am worth it and you are too.

    ((Hugs to you))


  131.  #131Daria on July 19, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    OOOH i really feel energized by what FeminineWoman said in 127

    omg that feels so empowering and right on

    i have the power

    what am i here for, romance or… omg yes

  132.  #132Daria on July 19, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    Do you ladies realize that now our children will be affected and healed by OUR HEALING our relationships with men? omg forevermore how awesome

    forevermore a healing influence

    🙂 yay thank you Rori

    that feelslike salvation

  133.  #133Linda on July 19, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    125 Daria… you are a jewel. I love it. I have a part of me banging pots inside. It feels awesome!

    Linda 🙂

  134.  #134Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    127–That does make sense. He has HAMMERED me about $$ for five years.
    Now my inheritance is kicking in and he has lost one of the buttons.
    I am on a razor’s edge here.
    But–I AM at choice. I AM!

  135.  #135Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Yes–why would a man who doesn’t want me come after me?

  136.  #136Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Linda–Thanks for sharing your story–it does feel a bit like prison, and I do pray for relief…
    But–you got out. So it is theoretically possible for me as well.

  137.  #137Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Linda–Thanks for sharing your story–it does feel a bit like prison, and I do pray for relief…
    But–you got out. So it is theoretically possible for me as well.

  138.  #138Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    Because he knows you are a good woman

  139.  #139FlowerChild77 on July 19, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    Hello, Sirens…

    I’ve been doing all right—as all right as I can do under the circumstances. I go to the pool every day and swim my little heart out. It feels good and it’s refreshing.

    And again with the dreams. It had been a few weeks since I’d had a dream about him. Last night I had another one. They are always VERY vivid and feel SO real when I wake up, so that I feel like I’ve just seen him, talked to him, touched him. And then it’s like I’m back to square one all over again 🙁

    It’s hard to feel like I’m making any progress when I have to keep starting all over. It’s been raining all day and very cool and overcast. These kind of days always remind me of him, our life and how it felt to be there with him in our cozy little house. I know I am still mourning the loss of him and the loss of our dreams for the future. I’ve thought and believed, for so long, that we would get old in that house together.

    In a few days it will be 3 months to the day since he died. It feels like just yesterday. I keep living over and over walking into the house and finding him. I can’t ever remember a pain like this in my heart. I try to block it out, but I know that isn’t the right thing to do. I use the ‘falling to my knees’ tool quite often these days.

    I’m doing the Deepak Chopra 21 Day Meditation Challenge. It’s focus is freedom from the past. (It started 4 days ago, but the meditations are available for 7 days after they are posted, so if anyone wants to start, it’s not too late.

    He was the only person in my life—ever—who loved me totally and unconditionally. He knew everything about me and loved and accepted me anyway. He even loved and accepted things about me that I don’t accept, myself.

    We would have been married by now. I still wear the engagement ring. It’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever given me. I know I probably shouldn’t wear it anymore, but I can’t help it. (In time I will wear it on a different finger.)

    All your stories and lives are very inspiring to me and I’d be so much more lost without you all. Knowing I have Rori’s tools give me a sense of security underneath all the fear and sadness. I feel like if they they could turn around the relationship I had with this man that they can help me do ANYthing…and therefore all is not hopeless.

    I expect that I’m a little more sensitive right now, as I am in ‘peri-menopause hell.’ I get the symptoms at random times but only have a period about once every six months (and then it’s so heavy for about 2 days that I can’t go anywhere–but tapers off….doctor says it’s normal.)

    I practiced natural family planning for many years (I couldn’t take the pill) and I am very in tune with my body. I’ll probably ‘start’ in the next few days (unless it’s another peri-menopause “ooops! just kidding!” :-p) It feels like some relief that my hormones are playing havoc with my already fragile emotions.

    I know I probably sound like a broken record, but I’m really trying to move forward and heal from this. I know it’s going to take time and I appreciate being able to come here and let it all out…

  140.  #140Linda on July 19, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    I am still paying attention to how I feel about everything. It is quite enlightening. It feels quite different to be concentrating on what my body is feeling instead of what my head is thinking.

    The CD I met the other night and wrote about…in the last thread, thanks ladies for your encouraging comments….

    He feels like a raging bull coming toward me. I feel a bit excited. Maybe I will red… I am meeting him again tonight.


  141.  #141Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    So sorry for your loss…

  142.  #142FlowerChild77 on July 19, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Thank you Miss Bells. I’ve been reading your posts and see that you went through this when your husband died. I am sorry for your loss, as well.

    If I were in your shoes…I would have the Sirens help you with a script so you can say how you feel (with feeling messages) and leave him space to process and respond before you leave. This would be the time to bring up your feelings about this other woman, etc.

    If that gets you nowhere, then I’d not say any more and I’d just go.

    At least that way, you know you’ve tried to communicate and won’t be left wondering what “might have happened.”

    If you really love him, then you owe yourself this opportunity to use the tools. As far as I can see, it can’t hurt to try <3

    Trust your boundaries
    Follow your feelings
    Choose your words
    Be surprised

  143.  #143Smile on July 19, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Ive been reading a lot of past posts to try and identify my feelings about my situation.

    Since strumming man withdrew and my ex got in touch I’ve been exploring around my need for closure. Closure from strumming man who I know will be back in touch, but mostly starting something with someone else while he is still on the scene.

    This really helped me to not focus on needing closure

  144.  #144Smile on July 19, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Most of the time, a man who is not good for us came into our lives for one reason:  We invited him in as a “do-over.”

    It could be a do-over of our childhoods, when the only way we could get love and attention was by working our butts off.

    It could be a do-over of a trauma where we felt helpless to take care of ourselves.

    It could be a do-over of a mistake that feels desperately like it needs “closure” and “mastery.”

    Forget about all that.

    Instead – focus on being kind to yourself.  Focus on what you like.  On what makes you feel good.  Do that.  Think that. Take yourself there.

  145.  #145Lily Medusa on July 19, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    I love your post about your butt. According to Louise Hay, butt = power! Haha I want to love my butt that much toooooo! I want to feel my power concentrated in my butt. Yay, I thank you for inspiring me!

  146.  #146Tam on July 19, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Mr U was my do-over..he inadvertently me see that it was me who had the issues. And then he made me see that I mistook a lot of things for love… and now it’s time to continue healing some of that.

  147.  #147Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Miss Bells I love the vision of you asking him for some space to take care of your emotions. I love visioning you banging pots

  148.  #148Starla on July 19, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Well, I hit the 100 men messaged me in under 24 hours mark on POF. Is this typical? Do you ladies have this experience? I made the profile last night before bed… It feels totally overwhelming. It will take me a couple weeks to write all these men back.

  149.  #149FlowerChild77 on July 19, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    Wow Starla! 🙂 When I’m ready to start circular dating I’ll have to get some advice from you about how to write a good profile. You obviously wrote a great one!

    I’m so happy for you! <3

  150.  #150siren song on July 19, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    starla, do you have a photo up?

  151.  #151Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    Yes Starla–what is IN your profile? It may be an age thing–I am 56 as of two days ago.
    I have several good pix and a good story–but perhaps I am missing something.
    Age group does make a difference though.

  152.  #152siren song on July 19, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    i don’t have my photo up

  153.  #153Miss Bells on July 19, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Also location. In my semi-rural county the dating pool is a bit small.
    I put my zip as the nearest big city and a place I used to live. Not sure what to do about being asked about my town, sense I am not really there. We are talking about 45 miles difference.
    I would MOVE back there if I had a reason.
    Is that wrong?

  154.  #154Lily Medusa on July 19, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    I had an unexpected talk/experience with J last night and I don’t know what to make of it.

    Before I describe the actual talk, here’s something that’s influencing both our vibes and probably has something to do with it:
    Two days ago, my landlady/roommate terminated my rental agreement and asked me to move out. I don’t know yet where I’m going to go but I may end up moving out very quickly. Despite the fact that my entire life savings amounts to $64 at this moment, I feel oddly calm about the whole situation. I wasn’t happy with my roommate and I’m glad to be getting out of there. So I’m not panicking (at least not yet, ha ha). I’ve been doing spiritual work like crazy for the past 7 months, working on manifesting the home of my dreams with the love of my life in it… and now I’m wondering what Life will bring me and I’m expecting that it’s wonderful and it’s right here…

    In the meantime, J loathes the tiny apartment where he lives and has been talking about ways to get himself moved out of there. He was super stressed out and anxious earlier today and I’m guessing it’s about his living situation and mine. Knowing him, he’s probably thinking about ways he would like to help me and himself. I don’t know if he’s ready to live together or if he’s considering asking me, but I guess a part of me is kinda hoping he will. I’m taking care of myself and looking for places on my own though, so I’m not “expecting” him to… and I refuse to move in with him by default (although I’m sure he’d let me if I was desperate). None of this was discussed during the following conversation, but I’m certain it’s relevant.

    The scene: His driveway, my car, around 10:30 pm.

    ***long silence during which I wonder if he’s going to invite me to stay overnight or not. I’m feeling open to sleeping over, but because of some old stuff, I’m not wanting to invite myself or assume I’m invited. I’m prepared to stay or go. So I just sit there in the passenger seat, leaning back and feeling mostly relaxed and positive in the moment…***

    J: So… Gilly (that’s his special name for me)… What do you say?

    LM: I don’t know. What do you want to do?

    J (in a grumpy grumpy voice): I want to go to bed! (He grumpily gets out, stomps up his front steps, and WHUMPS his door closed behind him all fast and hard.)

    LM: (I get out of my car, stand there in shock. I momentarily consider following him inside. I decide against it. I start to slowly walk around toward the driver’s side.)

    J: (Comes back out, walks up close to me, leans against his truck.) I’m TIRED, Gilly. I’m tired of it being “all on me.” I’m tired of having to always be the one to call you, always be the one to plan everything, always be the one to do EVERYTHING for you. I don’t want to pick up after you, I don’t want to do all the work. I hate my job and I hate my apartment and I don’t want drama between you and me!!!!

    LM: (I lean back, put my hand on my stomach, open my body position to him, and say “Okay” whenever he pauses.) I feel weird… I’m not sure how I feel. I’m sorry that I’ve been leaving it all up to you lately.

    J: I don’t want to sit out here! I’m cold! Why don’t you come in and hang out for a minute!

    LM: Okay (smiles softly)

    J: (hugs me)

    So we went in and he immediately brushed his teeth and got in bed. So I climbed in bed with him and a minute later he reminded me that my fiddle and purse were still outside sitting in my unlocked car. So I brought them in. I pretty much got that he wanted me there… so I asked if I could sleep over, which was mainly just a formality at that point. In the middle of the night he woke me up and gave me mega oral pleasure and made love to me slowly and passionately (and then again in the morning)… ahhh… so lovely.

    This morning when we first woke up I gave him a massage. I haven’t done that in months since I stopped overfunctioning so much. In fact I haven’t done hardly anything for him at all lately (and by lately I mean three to seven months), just been letting him take care of me, but after listening to him last night I wanted to do this for him and it felt good. He called me on his lunch break, and I sent him a few sweet and loving texts. (Initiating contact by texting him is another thing I haven’t done in months either – it’s NOT a habit of mine – and I also felt good doing it today.)

    I’m not sure what to make of this. Have I been leaning back too far? Yarrrgh I want to be a rock star and not worry about whether I’m pushing him away or not… and yes, I probably am trying to stave off panic about my living situation… and I can feel him loving me and wanting to take good care of me…

  155.  #155Starla on July 19, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    I put three photos up… one really pretty one, one average one, and one with no makeup/my hair a big mess hehe.

    My headline is “I heart nerds, and you should too!”

    My profile says:
    Things that make me happy:
    -Prime numbers
    -Death metal, black metal, thrash metal, doom metal, yummy:)
    -Noticing the magic all around me in the world:)
    -Foreign languages
    -Dreaming really, really big
    -Critical and independent thinking
    -Setting a goal and seeing it through
    -Not being singularly defined by any of the above

    Please do not message me if:
    -For any reason, you do not intend to vote “yes” on Amendment 64 in November, which will legalize/regulate marijuana like alcohol.

    My first date blurb says:
    As much as I’d like to put something inspired and creative here, I’d honestly feel most comfortable meeting a total stranger from the internet in a highly public place like a coffee shop in my neighborhood for a simple and easy 1st face to face meeting;)

    And that’s it, ladies. And these responses are all specific to my profile… though there have been a couple of lame ones like “hey you look intriguing” lol

  156.  #156Starla on July 19, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Lily M, you play the fiddle? Meeee too!

  157.  #157siren song on July 19, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    i’m chatting with 5 guys at once. thanks for inspiring me, starla!

  158.  #158Lily Medusa on July 19, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    Here’s something else that happened last week (so the following actually happened BEFORE the novel that I posted above): He got jealous and said a few things to me that were not so nicely intended. My feelings were hurt and I said so. Then he apologized a few times but I stayed upset. Then he got mad because I was staying butthurt. He kept saying that he didn’t want drama and it wasn’t worth it and he didn’t have the energy to fight with me right now. He was kinda hinting that I could either cheer up or leave. It took me a minute to find my script and here’s what I said: “I can feel a lot of emotions coming up in me right now, and I know this is my stuff. But if I can’t be open around you and let myself feel whatever I’m feeling, then I don’t really want to be here.” Then he came toward me and hugged me and held me. He said, “I love your emotions and how soft you are on the inside… just like me. I want you here. I WANT you here.” I’m getting teary eyed just thinking about how good that felt. Then after that we were fine and had a wonderful evening. Yay… thank you so much Rori for helping me find so much love in my relationship.

  159.  #159Lily Medusa on July 19, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    Omg Starla, you do???!! I feel so excited to hear about this! How long have you been playing? What kind of fiddle music do you like? Who do you listen to? Who are your influences?

  160.  #160Lily Medusa on July 19, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    I have an obsession with an artist named Tim O’Brien if you’ve ever heard of him. I want to sound like his music sounds… 🙂

  161.  #161siren song on July 19, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    i just got invited to go to the lake for the weekend! wow

  162.  #162Starla on July 19, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    🙂 yay siren song
    yah my profile is nothing special at all. i just threw it together last night when i felt motivated to get on there. i decided to keep it really simple. it would take pages and pages to describe myself.

  163.  #163siren song on July 19, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    that feels overwhelming.

  164.  #164siren song on July 19, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    that feels overwhelming.

  165.  #165siren song on July 19, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    mine is really simple too.

  166.  #166Starla on July 19, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    Lily M,
    I’ve played the viola for 16 years and I took up the fiddle a few years ago. I feel especially inspired by gypsy fiddling, particular brazilian gypsy jazz like django reinhardt. I will check out Tim O’Brien, thank yoU:):):)

  167.  #167Lily Medusa on July 19, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    I really love Celtic music (that’s my heritage). I have a mysterious feeling like I have loved Celtic music in other lives before this one.

  168.  #168Lily Medusa on July 19, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    Gypsy fiddling! I looooove it! I will totally check out Django. Thank YOU!

  169.  #169Starla on July 19, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    woohoo:) hehe lily m, so fun to have a fiddling siren on the board

    okay, time for japanese class. hooray! everyone have a lovely night:)

  170.  #170April Rose on July 19, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    No way ladies!!!

    Fiddle-playing sirens!!!

    I have been fiddlin’ for over twenty years. I learned from two old Irishmen and flew from there….

  171.  #171Lily Medusa on July 19, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    April Rose! You too?! Oh I feel sooo excited… I want two old Irishmen to teach me more about fiddling!!!

  172.  #172Lily Medusa on July 19, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    April Rose, do you ever play shows? Like in a band or anything like that? If so, are you on YouTube?

  173.  #173April Rose on July 19, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    For me, ‘ignoring’, as described in this posting, is about re-setting the focus (back onto me).

    If I feel triggered, my first response has been to go at him/ go towards him/ let him know how I feel, to try to get myself feeling better, etc….

    All these things are actions. Actions = boy energy.

    And it seems somehow controlling.

    Today I ‘received’ a remark which felt painful. I perceived I was being rejected and scolded by WM.
    We were at his grandma’s funeral and most people were leaving the cemetery. I noticed WM hanging back. I walked over to him to where he was looking at the bouquets of flowers and the written cards. He remarked that no-one else had taken time to read them. So I started to read them, and out of curiosity I asked him about some of his family.
    Next thing he noticed that everyone else had left and we were the last two. He started to walk quickly back to the car and called back to me (I was still stooping down on the grass smelling the bouquets of flowers) He called me impatiently and said crossly “I want to be with my family”.

    I felt a pain in my chest, and a swooping sorrow through my whole body. And an indignant fire in my forehead. It lasted a good five minutes, during which time I ‘ignored’ him.
    It felt intense, but after five minutes it passed completely.

  174.  #174Lily Medusa on July 19, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    Just looking up Django Rheinhardt on YouTube, and one of the first songs that comes up repeatedly is Minor Swing… I know that song cuz I have David Grisman’s version, I never knew it came from Django. Thanks Starla for introducing me to more culture. :))))

  175.  #175April Rose on July 19, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    Hi Lily,

    I’m not on youtube to my knowledge, but if I find out I’ll let you know.
    I play in all sorts of settings. Recently I played hornpipes and sea shanties in a magical stage/puppet production of The Rime of The Ancient Mariner.
    Oh, and made great creaking ship-mast sound effects too!

  176.  #176Lily Medusa on July 19, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    Haha April Rose, that is too cool. That poem seems like kind of a grim topic for puppets though 🙂 hehe

  177.  #177Lily Medusa on July 19, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    April Rose – So did he get nice again after that?

  178.  #178ulii on July 19, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    @ Femininewoman

    Thank you soooo much!!!!
    I just saw your FM recommendations to me on the other thread and I just love it. Resumes quite well what I’d like to communicate to my “Skype guy” (actually that would be a much better name for the NZ cd).
    I was on a long car trip this afternoon & evening and had time to ponder what I’d say and if I’d say something…and with what I came up with was all really bubbly and intense. I like better your calmer version, as it feels right for me too, and communicates better what I want to say. So I will use it. Only have to translate it into Spanish now. Good luck to me in that! 🙂

    And again: Thank you for your help!!! I really feel happy having you here!


  179.  #179DeShonn on July 19, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    Whether or not this type of behavior is abusive depends on the situation. If this behavior is something that is not part of the husband’s personality, or his normal behavior, I think that it is a wife’s job to find out what is bothering him and try to help him through it. However, if this is a pattern of behavior, then it is in my opinion, abuse.

  180.  #180Jasmine on July 19, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    Hello Ladies!!

    So he and I kept taking since two days ago and today was the emotional talk…

    So the last thing I said was :

    I wish I could change a thousand things in the past. I hate how this all happened.

    He said: Yeah me too

    I’m leaning back now.. but still, I’m a little confused.

  181.  #181Tania on July 19, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    Ignoring is not nice for anyone. i don’t believe what Rori teaches is ignoring at all.
    If your man was to ask you a question and you just kept watching tv or reading etc and did not respond this to me is ignoring and very rude.
    Being always open and approachable but not speaking or breaking the silence first is just Rori`s main teaching for women to just “be”.
    This is my take on it anyway.

  182.  #182Zara on July 19, 2012 at 5:51 pm

  183.  #183bloom-ing on July 19, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    daria… 113, i feel that way too but i feel afraid to read all your post or the posts after that bc it feels private to me for some reason – my mental space, or your writing, i can’t tell. i feel supported seeing it all : )

  184.  #184Zara on July 19, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    110: Smile

    I feel glad it did 🙂

  185.  #185bloom-ing on July 19, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    (((((((femininewoman))))))) i love you to high heaven. yesterday afternoon & a few times last night found myself remembering your wisdoms, like finding money in your pocket : ))

  186.  #186bloom-ing on July 19, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    mmm starla that sounds so fantastical & fun & welcoming…. OMG i love it…. also, 2 is my favorite number : )

  187.  #187Jessie1000 on July 19, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    Starla….I have the same….on pof…at least 800 if I dont log on for a few days…so exhausting to pick through them so I just read the hottest looking…omg so shallow eh?

    I weed out the 20 year olds, they are just looking for good a** and have some kind of milf fantasy lol

    I weed out the form letters….guys who send the same long paragraph that someone wrote for them and its a generic one where they obviously didnt read my profile.

    I weed out the OMG why do you think you have a chance with me…like wow, ur 82 years old and I am offended that you wrote to me and asked me to give you a **!

    I weed out the ones who just say HI how are you unless they are really hot lol

    ANd Im left with alot of nice guys and when they say what are you looking for …I say I dont want a FWB and I dont want you to come and hang in my bedroom lol and from there we will see lol

  188.  #188bloom-ing on July 19, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    miss bells, wow …… maybe you don’t feel it, but you sound really strong & “together” to me….. I hear your woman crying & i hear your man saying, “ok ok we’re going to get you out of here”…..

    i hear what daria is saying too when she tells tam to cry to her man……. you can do that… it feels good to me to lay everything bare. it’s ok. it’s amazing to say it out loud. we’re all human. & we’re all human ! you know ? so… accept also that – with all he’s given you – honestly, this man is not a bad man. at least from what i’m hearing (& ok ok i don’t Believe in Bad-ness)

    (((((miss bells)))))

  189.  #189bloom-ing on July 19, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    hi, jessie!!

    i read your posts. hope you & your children are well & your oldest is “behaving” : )

    i laugh at how great your men have been…. how sweet & how…. you see that & appreciate them : ) makes me feel super excited imagining your next suitors, as surely those men who’ve come before are just the courtiers to the Prince, right ??

  190.  #190Jasmine on July 19, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    I feel ignored on the blog lately. I don’t even like commenting anymore.

  191.  #191Jessie1000 on July 19, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    HI BLooming!
    My oldest son is away at his daddys right now in nova scotia….almost 15 hours drive from me….Im enjoying the break and getting a chance to miss him….one thing that single mothers never get the luxury of having is the free time away from their kids to just miss them.

    He still worked me for volcom pants and new skateboard wheels and plans to come back august first although his daddy wants him the whole summer (My son was born in my house a few months after his dad and i seperated so they both have never really lived together ever….so i hope that its nice for his dad to just have him and get sick of him lol and his dad took tons of time off work to be with him and take him out!)

    He says that going to the beach with his dad is “gay” an expression that i despise lol but hes certainly not being harmed, hit or starved lol he just likes to be with his old friends …teenagers ….rather than adults…but his dad not exactly an adult so…lol i dont feeel too sorry for him…

    August 1st girls, i will have no kids…omg how will this big city handle me!! I plan to spend at least 2 straight days intoxicated and hungover…just because I CAN! Lol

    Kisses everyone

  192.  #192FlowerChild77 on July 19, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    (((((Jasmine))))) I don’t post here often, but I catch up every few days on the reading. I’m sorry you’re feeling ignored, here. I’m sure that no one intends to ignore you.

    What is going on with you? I’m not a very ‘advanced’ Siren, I’m a good listener <3

  193.  #193Jasmine on July 19, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Hi Flowerchild,

    There’s not really much going on, I haven’t been talking lately. I’m now getting ready to go out with some friends!

  194.  #194Jessie1000 on July 19, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    Im going to try a daria rift

    lol im sure this will sound wierd

    i love my wierdness

    I love my 3 divorces and my crazy considerations of a fourth!

    I will marry the fourth.

    and maybe a fifth and a sixth

    i love my divorces

    i love my exes

    i love my babydadddys

    i love my sexual consequences

    i love my stupid choices in men

    i love my ability to get divorced! wow im soo good at it

    i love signing the marriage certificates and having a wedding its sooo fun!

    I love being judged

    i love finding people who dont think its that bad to be divorced

    i love how im not afraid to get divorced

    i love how im not afraid to love again

    i love to date and find sexy new men to kiss me

    i love myself for how i left my exes once they needed to be left

    i love my disappointments and my mistakes

    i love all the men who have loved me and i love how i dont think anyone is a mistake for me….just someone who passed the time with me

    i love institutions and how it wasnt for me

    i love sex before marriage

    i love how i love sex before marriage

    i love how i love sex within marriage

    i love how honestly i love sex before marriage more than after the marriage

    i love how i went and didnt go back…even though it hurt alot

    i love how im not good at rifting but im still trying

    kisses to myself!

  195.  #195bloom-ing on July 19, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    you’re awesome, jessie : ) that sounds like fun

  196.  #196bloom-ing on July 19, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    jasmine, hi : ) did you end up texting someone the other day to let out your friendly energy ?

  197.  #197bloom-ing on July 19, 2012 at 6:57 pm


  198.  #198Jasmine on July 19, 2012 at 7:04 pm


    I actually did and it went fine until the emotional talks. It was my ex

  199.  #199Radlove on July 19, 2012 at 7:11 pm


    189 – Awww, I love you sweetheart! I love it when you post here. My heart feels warm when I read your posts.

  200.  #200Radlove on July 19, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    I’ve been out all day running errands with Cris. I tried to get my car inspected, but it needs repairs that I can’t afford right now (brakes and tie rods). We went shopping at a discount grocery store and got some smokin deals. I still need to carry the groceries in, but just taking a breather.

    I feel breath-catching excited about R, and the amazing conversation we had last night! I feel loved!

  201.  #201FlowerChild77 on July 19, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    Thank you for the hugs bloom-ing. I feel loved, here.

  202.  #202bloom-ing on July 19, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    jasmine, i read that, & now i notice i feel curious if you “knew” that a conversation with him would “turn” “emotional” & actually i notice if i’m totally honest it makes me feel a bit tense in my stomach… & i don’t want to feel that way talking to you…. but i heard you say the other day that you were just feeling friendly, so when i read, “until it turned emotional…. it was my ex” …. i’m paraphrasing…. i feel nervous & like, oh wait, she said it was just her friend, i thought, because like i thought i heard her say that it was just friendly hello ! over the fence, no sweat…. so i feel confused how it got so “emotional…it was an ex” or that’s how i read it & maybe i’m hearing something different than you’re saying…. but i just notice myself feeling “tight” about how i don’t really understand the story that you’re telling.. thank you for listening : )

  203.  #203bloom-ing on July 19, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    & sorry jasmine for projecting my own past of contacting humans & thinking “no big deal” when really i know that i believed it was a big deal…. (((self))) ((((Jasmine))))

  204.  #204Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    Thanks bloom-ing. I feel loved.

  205.  #205Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Hi Tania

  206.  #206Radlove on July 19, 2012 at 7:45 pm


    97 – I feel sad and desolate reading that. I can’t imagine being 5 and 6 and living like that. 🙁 I want to hug you.

  207.  #207Memulo on July 19, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    He is in pain and keeps on texting me.. I decided earlier that I’d say I prefer to talk over the phone. Now got several texts, very sad.. do I just say I prefer the phone??

  208.  #208Femininewoman on July 19, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    He will call if he wants to talk.

  209.  #209Memulo on July 19, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    Thank you FW. I said he is very strong to handle all this and that I feel tired of typing, phone is better.

    Now feel like I am pushing it 🙁

  210.  #210Memulo on July 19, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    He was texting a lot last night and this morning and then he lost the hearing.

    Is it bad that I said that?

  211.  #211Radlove on July 19, 2012 at 8:08 pm


    206 – Daria told me simply stop texting. I have yet to do that with R, because I don’t feel strong enough. I admit, I thoroughly enjoy texting him…even tho I feel like I am taking crumbs to do it.

    Oh well, tomorrow is my date with him! I can’t wait!

  212.  #212Radlove on July 19, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    One of my cats just got spayed and another neutered. I feel so MEAN making them wear the victorian collars! Yet I know it is for THEIR good, to keep them from biting open their incisions before they heal.

    (((My cats)))

  213.  #213Memulo on July 19, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    On the other hand, I don’t have to be perfect.

    He was texting very late last night and I woke up and responded for a while. And then this morning and in the afternoon.

    Ohh should I say I am sorry for this comment?

  214.  #214Turquoise on July 19, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    Hi sirens! I’m taking SUCH good care of me today! I colored my hair an awesome shade called French roast, I needed a little pick me up and it looks hot! I straightened my hair, put in sexy eye makeup, took a few pictures and put one on fb where several friends have commented. I feel pretty. Then I took the dog for a power walk through my whole hilly plan, and my abs are already complaining, but I feel jazzed up on endorphins. I did some cleaning, caught up on fb and now I’m taking a little break and will head to bed soon.

    I love catching up on the posts and see there are some new posters! Hi!!! I’m turquoise from Pittsburgh!
    I made a batch of fudge and posted a pic on fb to show a new item for my candy business, and a guy friend of mine wrote that he wanted to just put his whole face in there! Lol…. He’s cute, I couldn’t help but have some sexy thoughts go through my mind. Whew!
    Mr. Conversation is a friend on Fb and he usually likes or comments on my posts. Nothing tonight, but I imagine he’ll have something to say tomorrow.

    I just read why men love bi!ches and it’s very similar to what Rori teaches. Love yourself, don’t overdo and cook, clean, etc. but the main point I got from it was that men respond to distance, not words. With dreamy when he pulled back I practically tripped over myself leaning forward. Even though I’ve had it drilled into me here for over a year, I texted to tell him how I felt being ignored, had my own closure…. And was really upset about the whole thing. It hasn’t even been a month, and I barely think about him. So, if I would have just held off, wouldnt have hurt forever and I would have left a little mystery, not looked do needy…. I learned my lesson.

  215.  #215Memulo on July 19, 2012 at 8:16 pm


    I missed the date news!!!

    my guy got a restraint order from the child on his bday and today he lost the hearing and got supervised visits! It could be worse but not by much

  216.  #216Memulo on July 19, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    Too bad I didn’t see FW’s response earlier ;(

  217.  #217Turquoise on July 19, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    Oh Memulo, that’s really sad. I think when someone we care about is suffering so deeply, we just be there for them. Its not about all the rules and being a siren. It’s about showing compassion for another soul. Now that doesn’t mean you do that forever or stop taking care of yourself, but if he feels more comfortable texting, let it go. Most men hate talking on the phone and maybe he doesn’t trust his voice or want you to hear him cry. ((((Memulo&her man))))

  218.  #218Radlove on July 19, 2012 at 8:28 pm


    You sound fantastic!


    Texting last night with R was better than ever! I would love to post it but, wow, it was so personal I just don’t know if I want to. It was so precious that I would feel really bad if it got ripped apart.

    Anyway, for the first time ever, he planned ahead for a date, setting the time and place (10:15 pm at a karaoke bar). His words were the delicious words we long for a man to say…

    “I think you are a beautiful lady”

    I was talking about how I’ve died a thousand deaths going to bed alone every night for decades, rather than have sex with the wrong man and have it be empty. He texted back, “Tear!” as in crying. His words were so tender and warm!

    Another thing he said, “I try my best to be sweet. It’s one of the most important qualities I want in myself.”

    That is the REAL R speaking, not the schizophrenia.

    He said, “I would like a purely harmonious friendship with you.”

    Those were the highlights. I just felt so, so connected with him as we texted! We kept it going until 4:30 am!

  219.  #219Radlove on July 19, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    Good night. Just because it feels good to have someone to say good night to. Leaning back tonight as I anticipate a nice time with R tomorrow night.

  220.  #220Turquoise on July 19, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    Hi esteemed!!! Thanks! You too! 🙂

    For the first time, probably ever, I feel sl clear about what I want, what I’m doing and where I want to be. I know its because I’ve been able to put C behind me. I barely think about him either now! I mostly think about me. Mr. Conversation is filing the void, so I know that helps, but it’s not about the relationship I have or hope to have with him, it’s fun, I hear from him regularly, we’ve had a few miscommunications and have talked through them… It’s just so good to see what a relationship could be like, and how it would add to my life, but not be my life. I love me! I’m the yummy cheesecake! 🙂

  221.  #221Memulo on July 19, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    Yay Radlove!

  222.  #222Memulo on July 19, 2012 at 8:39 pm

    Blue cheese cake 😛

  223.  #223Memulo on July 19, 2012 at 8:44 pm


    I was thinking that to have you hesitate is exactly what she wants to do. You may want to consult with a lawyer but I don’t think you need to tell her to stop the harassment before you can go to police. You should be good to go after the very first occurrence

  224.  #224Memulo on July 19, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    I didn’t contact him again, didn’t apologize. Ohhh should i?

  225.  #225Turquoise on July 19, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    Haha…. Maybe a blue daquari cheesecake!

  226.  #226Rori Raye on July 19, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    Jasmine, Thank you – and the depression issue is huge, and I’ll write my thoughts on that soon….There are ways to love someone, and there are ways to be supportive, and there are ways that SEEM supportive that are actually not helpful to anyone – and we’ve all learned the ones that aren’t helpful.

  227.  #227Starla on July 19, 2012 at 10:11 pm

    memulo, i have only kind of skimmed, but maybe you could just text him that you feel so sad for him and that you’re there if he needs you and he didn’t deserve any of this.

    i’m not sure what u want to apologize for but it might be kind of focusing on the negative and being kind of needy. like how CL’s apologizing yesterday was NOT doing me any favors.

  228.  #228Emoticon on July 19, 2012 at 10:11 pm

    Tania said : Ignoring is not nice for anyone. i don’t believe what Rori teaches is ignoring at all.
    If your man was to ask you a question and you just kept watching tv or reading etc and did not respond this to me is ignoring and very rude.
    Being always open and approachable but not speaking or breaking the silence first is just Rori`s main teaching for women to just “be”.
    This is my take on it anyway.

    Am i abusing my CD by ignoring his text messages?
    He still has not tried to call. Or Skype. Tomorrow would be a week since we made love and he has not gona completely AWOL but a text every other day is a HUGE difference from what we had before.

  229.  #229Starla on July 19, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    Jessie, thank you for the POF wisdom:)
    I’m up to like 120 messages in 24 hours. Just nuts.

  230.  #230Smile on July 19, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    Lily medusa- loved your script in 158

  231.  #231Vi on July 19, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    Today I feel more than!
    more than comfort of looking down and avoiding eye contact; more than pretending i do not exist and “i-am-sorry – if – i – have – disturbed-you-and-my- presence-made-you feel-offended..” ggrrrr …; more than my habit to put up with ouchy treatment; more than beating myself up for wanting smth better and working on it.
    today I feel more than my toxic habits . i don’t want to cry from humiliation, i want to cry from feeling overwhelmed with happiness.. i don’t want to feel cheerful because i didn’t get blamed today – i want to feel cheerful because i feel loved , and i will because today i feel more love toward myself than to anyone else. finally. I feel very thankful to Rory and you girls.

    and i guess that the article is not about ignoring a man but ignoring the urge to fix him ..

  232.  #232siren song on July 19, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    Hey starla, i’m having a bit of a windfall too! I feel excited. I haven’t thought about guy who loves me much tonight. It feels nice.

  233.  #233Starla on July 19, 2012 at 10:30 pm

    hey siren song:)
    i have been thinking about cf quite a bit myself. i was thinking about how he must not have been that into me (this is untrue), and if it’s untrue, then he has a weird way of showing it/handling it.

    and he’s just not the man for me

    and i was thinking about how i can have it all, i can have the man of my dreams… a man who really will do absolutely anything to make me happy.

    okay time to sleep

  234.  #234Smile on July 19, 2012 at 10:51 pm

    Lily medusa, hi, i love your story and I feel curious to ask you something. When he said he was feeling tired of doing all the work because you are leaning back, this is what tools were working here BUT how do we get the balance? Do we lean forward just a little every now and then or do we use feeling messages to communicate how we enjoy him leaning forward, to share how good it makes us feel so he will want to do it more!? What do you think?

  235.  #235Smile on July 19, 2012 at 11:36 pm

    Not being tied to a man for the first time in my adult life feels liberating! Mostly I am celebrating my freedom by turning the music up and singing at the top of my voice!

  236.  #236Tam on July 20, 2012 at 12:05 am

    Morning Ladies!

    Beautiful day here.

    Not sure what to think about last night’s email exchange with MrU. It didn’t make me feel good which is the main point.
    I leant forward a little, and now I feel flat again. You see, I did experiment with opening up and it got a nice response from him also, but I did not feel it made me more attractive to him. On the contrary, I now believe it made him more determined to see this as a friendship….and yes, we have deepened our friendship. That was the result of the experiment, basically.

    Now that’s ok but I am wondering if, when we had NC before, I should have just left it there and ‘got on with it’. I don’t want to be friends, well I do but..I feel confused about it.
    I feel he is either not ready for more with anyone right now, or he doesn’t feel it for me…yet, I was so sure he did, based on his actions when I was there. I could practically feel it ooze out of him. But back to the present – I don’t feel anything coming from him right now!

    I was wondering how a real long term relationship would look with him, since he is a very private man, has problems in all his relationships (friends and family), and says of himself that he is ‘cold’.
    A challenge. So I need to ask myself why I need more challenge in my life. I have plenty. Do I want them? I guess!!

    A guy who says he is not rooted in the place he has lived for 50 years, falls out with people often, can’t work with people so he says (always alone, own business, no staff)…it would have fit with me years ago. Now and with the work I am still doing, I actually realise that I want to arrive somewhere (I also never felt rooted and I did what he is about to do, upped and left places when I wanted to run).
    I finally want to settle and build on my relationships with friends etc., maybe have a relationship, maybe even get married and maybe even have a family..the sky is wide open.

    He is at a completely different point in his life, running from everything and the problems he has at home, thinking it would be different elsewhere….
    meanwhile I realised that the problem is inside of me and can’t be resolved by running away. We are developing into completely opposite ways. I feel like I am healing and he is soul searching still.
    I feel sad for him and I feel worried for him also, that he is giving up his whole life and security for a dream of moving somewhere he doesn’t even know – at the age of 50, selling all his toys, houses, business and breaking with everything at home. But he is a big boy, a clever man, and he will be ok.

    So to draw a conclusion, my experiment was hard and it brought some interesting results but did not change anything, I am back at the point I was 3 months ago, one year ago, even two years ago with this man. It has helped me to open up and as such was valuable for my future relationships. I feel a little pang that now he knows so much about me and my feelings while I am none the wiser, but that was the risk and I do trust him not to ‘abuse’ the knowledge as he is a good man underneath the hard shell. I worry that he is judging me by some of the stuff I revealed but that would make him entirely the wrong man, so go ahead and judge MrU, that would be ok too.

    Now I need to make the decision…staying friends means being the confidante and watch him date others, being supportive of his dreams to go abroad while I just want to say ‘stay, stay, stay’…. it feels bad. Saying ‘I don’t want to be friends’ feels even worse, like I am playing a game, opening up and then saying ‘bye’.
    The best option is maybe to do nothing, lean back and move on (I am dating all the while anyway)…and I am not sure how open I can stay with this man seeing that he has a habit of going hot and cold and I just don’t know if it is really worth staying open to be subjected to it and keep ‘hoping’ – I don’t want to….yet I do not want to be defensive.

    Conclusion is that Rori’s tools do work, seemingly with any man – but if he is not the man for you, it is only a temporary fix because he is drawn to you but only for so long. If a man doesn’t feel you are his one, then nothing, not even letting him see inside your heart, will change it. That is my view.
    However, it is also my view that the guy who really wants you, will want you even if you are somewhat clueless about the tools….but knowing them will make things easier between the two of you.

    You can’t lose what you never had. In that sense: onwards and upwards!!

  237.  #237Tam on July 20, 2012 at 12:18 am

    Another unwated side effect of opening up and being vulnerable and making it all ‘about me’, that I would like to share with you:

    He started acting like he was my psychologist and saying ‘oh I see you are doing so much better, well done, keep up the good work’.
    I felt kind of angry about that, as if he was talking from above and not with me in the same space. I felt misunderstood, like he did not realise that I opened up to him, and wasn’t looking for someone to listen – anyone. I shared my feelings about some of our situations, so it was a strange response.

    I basically told him about of my feel bad moments when we were together, and how I am working on healing things that come up from the past…and he completely zoomed out of our experience and into the ‘healing things from the past’. He only sees what he wants to see. I do feel sometimes he has no clue how I feel about him, and me having told him a few weeks back that I have ‘romantic feelings’ hasn’t sunk in, or he overlooked it, or he just completely zooms it out because he feels uncomfy with it.

    I will stop wondering eventually, and I know he plays psychologist ‘well done’ because he cares and wants to help and give…it just made me feel weird.
    Perhaps I didn’t use enough feeling messages but I don’t want to worry anymore, what’s done is done and I don’t want to watch my every word for fear it will push someone away.
    I stop now.

  238.  #238Tam on July 20, 2012 at 12:20 am

    hehe…you know…he probably saw all my opening up and stating what I wanted in my life (ie a man who wants me 100%, not accepting less etc) as some kind of rejection. Well, I can’t heal him, that is not my job!!
    I will stop now!!

  239.  #239Tam on July 20, 2012 at 12:31 am

    …perhaps despite my best intentions I tried to ‘convince’ and join me in my healing….perhaps that came across…I did not intend to but perhaps I was too much in convincing mode rather than sharing/feeling mode and that pushed him away. Oh well, no worried, I lost a suitor and gained a psychologist lol.
    Maybe that was the result that was meant to happen….oh dear, I will really stop, I am hogging the blog!!!! Sorry…

  240.  #240Tam on July 20, 2012 at 1:13 am

    One more…sorry 🙁
    But I noticed I am beating myself up, this time not for ‘not being pretty enough, being clever enough, not having the perfect this and that..’
    Now I have zoomed in on ‘I am not in my feelings enough, I am in thinking mode too much, I did not say the right things because I am not….enough’.
    Stop, stop, stop.
    I am back in little girl, no self-esteem mode.
    So what if I think too much. I read philosophy, psychology, I am a thinking woman!!!
    So what if I don’t express my feelings enough, well enough, so that I still get misunderstood. So what?
    There is a new day and a new opportunity.
    And those men that fall by the wayside because they think I am ‘not enough’…they are just making space for the right one!! 🙂

  241.  #241Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 2:03 am

    Tam I feel like wrapping my arms around you and hugging yo.u. You are learning to be a feeling woman. I am learning too

  242.  #242Tam on July 20, 2012 at 2:57 am

    FW, I feel the hug. Thank you so much!!!
    I find it all very hard, but that’s no reason to stop learning and moving forward, I guess.

  243.  #243Memulo on July 20, 2012 at 3:28 am

    I wonder if it’s ok if I don’t respond. He sent me one more text in the middle of the night. It was short. Like before he was opening up, then after my text that I feel tired of typing there was silence and then this text. he said he is thinking of giving up. It never ends and he is always in the wrong. Do I respond to this?

  244.  #244Tam on July 20, 2012 at 3:37 am

    Memulo, it’s ok to say nothing.

  245.  #245ulii on July 20, 2012 at 3:37 am

    @ Tam 236

    I feel so identified by what you have said here, although I might be a bit further from settling… I still feel restless about it too.

    “Now and with the work I am still doing, I actually realise that I want to arrive somewhere (I also never felt rooted and I did what he is about to do, upped and left places when I wanted to run).
    I finally want to settle and build on my relationships with friends etc., maybe have a relationship, maybe even get married and maybe even have a family..the sky is wide open.”

  246.  #246ulii on July 20, 2012 at 3:40 am

    @ Memulo
    Have you responded many messages already..? I wouldn’t respond now…as you said…you felt tired and maybe even would be sleeping…he doesn’t know that.

  247.  #247Memulo on July 20, 2012 at 3:41 am

    Thank you Tam. I hope he won’t think I don’t care or disapprove?

  248.  #248Memulo on July 20, 2012 at 3:44 am

    Ulii yes he sent it in the middle of the night, but now it’s morning where I am.

    I responded to a lot of texts in the past couple of days, but last night to his several texts I said that he is a good person and very strong to handle all this. And that i feel tired of typing, phone is better. He didn’t call but stopped writing and then this message in the middle of the night

  249.  #249Tam on July 20, 2012 at 3:50 am

    I think, Memulo, he would not think you don’t care and I believe he will be in touch when he is ready.
    Your call. I don’t find texting is a good way of communicating and can create a lot of misunderstandings.

  250.  #250ulii on July 20, 2012 at 3:56 am

    @ 249 Memulo, I agree with what Tam says here.

  251.  #251Tam on July 20, 2012 at 3:57 am

    Ulii thank you…yes, the sky is wide open but we sometimes have a narrow view especially when it comes to men. Time to stay open, I have a difficulty staying open and keeping my mouth shut at the same time….

  252.  #252Tam on July 20, 2012 at 4:00 am

    Ulii – we are at a similar point in our lives…trying to stay positive is the major challenge for me

  253.  #253Tam on July 20, 2012 at 4:02 am

    Ulii – I am away from settling down but want to so much.

  254.  #254Memulo on July 20, 2012 at 4:05 am

    Thank you girls

  255.  #255Memulo on July 20, 2012 at 4:07 am

    It’s not hard to stay positive once you forget your fear. At least this is how it works for me. So many fears. And most of them never come true. Not even close.

  256.  #256Tam on July 20, 2012 at 4:16 am

    ermm. I posted three cmments saying the same because on my phone and it showed up as not posted…pfff technology!!

  257.  #257Tam on July 20, 2012 at 4:17 am

    Staying positive…I am just so impatient. I want things here and now…and it just isn’t happening. Need to chill..

  258.  #258Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 4:26 am

    RE 257. As human we tend to want instant gratifiication but when we look aroiund us we realice most things come to fruition through a process.

  259.  #259Turquoise on July 20, 2012 at 5:00 am

    Good morning sirens 🙂 I got up early and walked the plan again! I’m not a morning person and often tell myself that. Well maybe I haven’t been one before, doesn’t mean I can’t be one now! I want to lose 15 pounds in the next 6 weeks and am literally going to walk it off! I just had some oatmeal and water. Off to shower and get ready for work. It’s so humid here, flat ironing may be useless, but I’ll do my best to tame my crazy hair!!! Or, maybe I’ll embrace my wildness today and encourage my curls…… Hmmmm, to be continued 🙂

  260.  #260April Rose on July 20, 2012 at 5:15 am

    Vi said “..and i guess that the article is not about ignoring a man but ignoring the urge to fix him..”

    Yes, I agree. It’s about ignoring urges and urgency.

    Instead, we can drop deeply into our feminine self.
    Re-balance the relationship bubble.

  261.  #261April Rose on July 20, 2012 at 5:16 am

    Hi Turquoise,

    I feel curious. What is the ‘plan’ that you walk?

  262.  #262Memulo on July 20, 2012 at 5:16 am

    It’s like I said he is strong and he responded No, I want to quit. So now it’s my fault I said something wrong? Hate texts. Should I say it’s not how I meant it? If I keep quiet does it sound that I disapprove?

  263.  #263April Rose on July 20, 2012 at 5:21 am

    “Ignoring a man is a great first step in the healing process.

    It’s a turning back of our “chasing” and “engaging” mechanism.

    It stops our instinct to go get what we want.”

    This feels deeper to me and requires some contemplation.
    The ‘instinct to go get what we want’. Hmmmmm. Boy energy?

    What I am working on is ***knowing what I want***
    then I can express it with feminine energy.

  264.  #264Annie on July 20, 2012 at 5:22 am

    FlowerChild77 says:

    “(((((Jasmine))))) I don’t post here often, but I catch up every few days on the reading. I’m sorry you’re feeling ignored, here. I’m sure that no one intends to ignore you.

    What is going on with you? I’m not a very ‘advanced’ Siren, I’m a good listener <3"

    I feel triggered. I feels anger and then underneath that anger on a deeper level heartache when someone says I'm sorry to someone and then follows with I'm sure that's not their intention/ my intention etc.
    It feels controlling to me.
    It just feels plain awful.

    Just because someone did not intend to do it does not mean the other person didn't feel it.

    It felt good to read when flower girl wrote I am a good listener.

  265.  #265Memulo on July 20, 2012 at 5:23 am

    Turquoise you sound yummy this morning;)

  266.  #266Tam on July 20, 2012 at 5:38 am

    Oh Jeepers Creepers, he sent another mail. What is going on with the man of few words?!
    I feel overwhelmed.
    I don’t want to spark off another bout of feeling uncomfortable….like our conversation yesterday.
    I don’t feel like reading it, I don’t have to do what I don’t want to do

  267.  #267Annie on July 20, 2012 at 5:46 am

    Hi Jasmine, what do you think would be the best way to help someone who was depressed?

    My eldest has had existential depression due to his giftedness.
    This has felt heartbreaking to me to observe and know how to handle.
    I felt scared of getting it wrong and him harming himself
    I felt scared to trust the doctors and betraying him. he did not want doctors help.
    So I trusted myself.
    I made some mistakes.
    I sat with him felt dragged down too felt helpless in being able to help him.
    Was understanding, gave him time coaxed him to rest eat etc, got engaged in reason.
    For me none of this helped.
    He spiraled further down and so did I.
    I made a huge mistake and went the other way which I feel ashamed and mortified about and tried to pull him out of it by saying ” oh just get on with it then when he felt suicidal.
    As I Mother I feel so ashamed that I said such a thing whatever my reasoning at the time.
    Finally the only thing that worked for me was to say to him that sometimes I feel that despair and awful ness and the only thing that helps me is to go and do something that feels good and makes me happy so that was what I was going to do.
    I went of and did it, and with that he got up and went and did the same and finally came out of it.
    I know he will go back to that dark place on and off as the type of depression he gets it is very common with gifted people.
    Why am i here? what’s the point etc? I am just an insignificant micro organism in the universe.

    What has your experience been?
    And what do you think the best way to help is?

  268.  #268Francesca on July 20, 2012 at 5:52 am


  269.  #269Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 5:53 am

    We are all easily swayed by power and our own estimation of “greatness” and the “dream man” qualities we hold dear. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to switch our sense of judgment around a man. Forget about who he is, what he does, how much power, looks, money or status he has.

    Instead – look at how he treats you. Look at how he makes you feel. A great man is one who can love. Who knows how to love like a MAN. When you can look for that in a man, and SEE that when it shows up…then power will flow to you, through you, through both of you…everything expands, everything gets better…

    Love, Rori

  270.  #270Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 5:56 am

    “First…just because you think he’s great doesn’t make that true.

    You are worshipping his “intellect.” You think he has something you don’t – and even want to “give” him this other woman, who you think is more suited to him and better than you. You see him as “professional” and with “status.” You see him as having qualities you wish you had.

    And you’re completely belittling and ignoring the amazing, fabulous qualities YOU have – AND…you’re ignoring the fact that you’re working to GET some of those qualities for YOURSELF – so you don’t even NEED to get them through a man. I know it feels like a shortcut, to get those qualities from a man – but it just doesn’t work that way.

    And yet – you put yourself down, and raise him up.

    In your eyes – he’s better, and you deserve crumbs.’

  271.  #271Starla on July 20, 2012 at 5:57 am

    Memulo, the man just got some REALLY bad news. Just say you wish you could give him a really big hug. maybe even ask him if he wants you to come do that.

    i think maybe your tendency to over analyze is minimizing his humanity here.

    and i also appreciate that you want to avoid overfunctioning, which is really important too.

    this isn’t like “oh poor baby, your boss yelled at you today, let me come fix it for you.”

    also, a lot of men will argue when you say they’re strong, so you can just say it and drop it:). They’ll remember later that you said it and will appreciate it:)

  272.  #272Annie on July 20, 2012 at 6:01 am

    I felt so angry and hurt last night at my Mother.

    Or perhaps it is myself I am angry and hurt at.

    She told me to send my husband her love.
    I replied “really”
    She said yes really he is family.
    This is a man who has physically and psychologically abused me.
    When I pointed this out she replied well
    he hasn’t done those things to me.

    It felt like a punch to my stomach hearing those words.
    I felt so angry and hurt and uncared for and unloved.
    So she thinks it’s ok for her son inlaw to do this to her daughter.

    On reflection why on earth why on earth would I really expect anything else.
    This is a woman who still shares a life and a bed with a man who molested her daughter.

    It felt best to me to say I am going it feels awful to hear that and disengage from her. Emotionally walk away from her.
    Not someone I feel able to trust and go to.

  273.  #273Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 6:03 am

    Are there two Jasmines?

  274.  #274Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 6:04 am


  275.  #275Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 6:07 am

    Memulo I also think Rori’s words to Jasmine also apply.

    “There are ways to love someone, and there are ways to be supportive, and there are ways that SEEM supportive that are actually not helpful to anyone – and we’ve all learned the ones that aren’t helpful.”

    If I were in your shoes I would be reading the articles about a Depressed man.

  276.  #276Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 6:10 am

    Rori Raye says:
    J Rock…you can say you’re working with a coach and writer you found…but please, DON’T fill him in on the stuff or give him the book. Reason – you don’t want to tell nuts-and-bolts about ANYTHING!! We’re trying to get ourselves out of our heads and into our bodies and hearts….and the moment we “explain” anything to a man…it’s working the wrong way…AND – a man will only use it AGAINST you…so…say the book is for women, and you feel right now like it’s sort of private coaching and you don’t want to share your process just yet…just say it’s “girl stuff” and it feels kind of “girly…” If he asks you…say “I’m learning a girly kind of ‘Non-Violent Communication’…we can look that up if you’d like..” then let him find that himself, or with you – and that’s something you can try together if he wants…let him LEAD….Love, Rori

  277.  #277Ella on July 20, 2012 at 6:12 am

    Hi Sirens,

    I am shutting my Zumba classes for Summer as I always do.

    I am so looking forward to having some spare time and space over the summer to do the things I want to do!

    And this year I have decided that I will use some of the time for improving my diet and nutrition, cooking more, stretching daily and also doing some toning exercises.

    I decided to invite my clients to join in with me and I will be creating a Facebook group for those wishing to join in. I will charge £30 to join and each week I will post videos with toning and stretch exercises to do and also nutrition ideas recipes etc.

    I think I am going to call it ‘Lets get fit together!’

    If anyone from here would like to join in you are also very welcome to.

    Here is a link to my Facebook Page that I currently use for my Pole Fitness and you can contact me if you are interested in joining in.

    Julie. x

  278.  #278Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 6:13 am

    Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is woman.
    A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
    Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

    Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past’s influence on the present.
    A woman who has walked through her past.
    Who has healed into the present.

    Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
    A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
    Who celebrates her body’s rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

    Imagine a woman who embraces her sexuality as her own.
    A woman who delights in pleasuring herself.
    Who experiences her erotic sensations without shame or guilt.

    Imagine a woman who honors the body of Goddess in her changing body.
    A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
    Who refuses to use her precious life-energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

    Imagine a woman who has access to the full range of human emotion.
    A woman who expresses her feelings clearly and directly.
    Who allows them to pass through her as gracefully as a breath.

    Imagine a woman who tells the truth.
    A woman who trusts her experience of the world and expresses it.
    Who refuses to defer to the thoughts, perceptions, and responses of others.

    Imagine a woman who follows her creative impulses.
    A woman who produces original creations.
    Who refuses to color inside someone else’s lines.

    Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
    A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
    Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.

    Imagine a woman who refuses to surrender to gods, gurus, and higher powers.
    A woman who has descended into her own inner life.
    Who asserts her will in harmony with its impulses and instincts.

    Imagine a woman who is interested in her own life.
    A woman who embraces her life as teacher, healer, and challenger.
    Who is grateful for the ordinary moments of beauty and grace.

    Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
    A woman who trusts her inner sense of what is right for her.
    Who refuses to twist her life out of shape to meet the expectations of others.

    Imagine a woman who participates in her own life.
    A woman who meets each challenge with creativity.
    Who takes action on her own behalf with clarity and strength.

    Imagine a woman who has crafted a fully formed solitude.
    A woman who is available to herself.
    Who chooses friends and lovers with the capacity to respect her solitude.

    Imagine a woman who refuses to diminish her life so others will feel better.
    A woman who brings the fullness of her years, experience, and wisdom into each relationship.
    Who expects others to be challenged and blessed by her presence in their lives.

    Imagine a woman who assumes equality in her relationships.
    A woman who no longer believes she is inferior to men and in need of their salvation.
    Who has taken her rightful place beside them in the human community.

    Imagine a woman who refuses to use her precious life-energy managing crisis and conflict.
    A woman whose relationships deepen in satisfaction and contentment without depleting her.
    Who chooses friends and lovers with the necessary skills to navigate through the challenges of life.

    Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
    A woman who sits in circles of women.
    Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

    Imagine a woman who has relinquished the desire for intellectual safety and approval.
    A woman who makes a powerful statement with every word she speaks, every action she takes.
    Who asserts to herself the right to reorder the world.

    Imagine a woman who has grown in knowledge and love of herself.
    A woman who has vowed faithfulness to her own life and capacities.
    Who remains loyal to herself. Regardless.

    Imagine yourself as this woman.”

    Patricia Lynn Reilly

  279.  #279Starla on July 20, 2012 at 6:18 am

    ladies, i had a really busy day yesterday, going from the gym in the early morning to a jam packed day and work, straight to japanese class, and then straight to my best friend’s house for dinner and time with her family. I got home at 11 and went straight to bed.

    CL left a voice message while I was in the gym to see what my plans were for the weekend, and then emailed me a couple of times… nothing serious, just something early in the day with some music to listen to, and then again at the end of the day saying I must have had a busy day and that he would talk to me soon enough. And now he’s texting me, first thing the next day
    “Good morning starla. I’m starting to wonder what’s going on? Since I haven’t heard from you I guess the only assumption I can make is that you don’t want to talk any more? I don’t like the idea and I’m not trying to jump to conclusions or anything. I know you very well could be extremely busy or something to that tune. But if that’s the case, I would really appreciate just being told so. I hope your morning is going well and that everything between us is OK. I genuinely missed you yesterday and would very much like to hear from you.”

    WTF? It was ONE DAY I was busy and didn’t answer. WTF?

    I feel tempted to tell him, “you need to take a confidence pill and quit being so needy and clingy. it’s f*cking freaky, dude. if i can’t have one extremely busy where I don’t have time to get back to you, without waking up to something like this, then we should DEFINITELY stop talking. this is seriously NOT okay behavior.”

  280.  #280Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 6:23 am

    No matter WHAT your age – what you describe is absolutely NOTHING!!! Unless I”m missing something here, you don’t see each other in person, you’re only texting? All he is is a friend – and a long-distance one as it is, and he’s got another woman he’s actually seeing? Or he’s just corresponding with both of you? If so – he’s a pen pal – and you can’t drive him away because you don’t have him close, and if you need someone to talk to about your health issues, as a friend – he’s as good as any. The thing is – he likes leaning on YOUR shoulder – but I don’t know what kind of ear he has for YOUR troubles. Love, Rori

  281.  #281Tam on July 20, 2012 at 6:24 am

    I feel surprised that he is still communicating but now it’s me who doesn’t want to anymore….even more surprised about that.
    I used to feel pleasure when I saw an email from him pop up, now I feel pain. Aw, man.

  282.  #282Starla on July 20, 2012 at 6:26 am

    FW, I don’t think a man who is losing the right to be a father in his kid’s life is the same as dealing with a depressed man. a depressed man has an ongoing, self-driven, chronic condition. a court hearing gone wrong is a one time deal.

    we’re all humans. i think being comforting and supportive is kind of important here. this can be done without overfunctioning or “fixing” anything (and seriously, she couldn’t fix it anyway. nothing will fix her guy’s disappointment right now.)

  283.  #283Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 6:27 am

    : Rori Raye says:
    Jan…If I talked with a man and then met him once and then he showed up at my workplace without calling or anything – I would feel like I was being stalked. So – apologizing is not the issue here – he thinks you’re crazy. Because you’re here and you sound lovely, I’m going to assume that you’re not crazy – but your actions are completely misguided, overfunctioning to the extreme, and…yes…bizarre. Do you see this? I know we can help you here, and first, you have to get how completely inappropriate it is to show up at a man’s workplace when you hardly know him (just started dating) – and how your instinct led you to completely chase a man. I hope you read everything here and ask questions, and we’ll help you understand how to reverse this…Love, Rori

  284.  #284April Rose on July 20, 2012 at 6:29 am

    Hey Starla,

    I can feel you freaking out from overwhelming attention from this man.

    I experienced this too.
    I practiced feeling messages about feeling scared and under pressure, and how it would feel good to get to know each other more slowly.
    That was the only way to find out if the man respected my wishes and respected who I am. He did.

  285.  #285turquoise on July 20, 2012 at 6:29 am

    Thanks Memulo, I feel yummy!

    Annie, I’m sorry your mom said that to you. It would feel like a punch to me also. 🙁 I don’t know your story.

  286.  #286Starla on July 20, 2012 at 6:30 am

    i feel completely stumped about how to handle CL. My instinct is honestly to “correct” him and tell him he is being a clingy, creepy motherf*cker. You know, to “help” him in the future with other women.

    It’s just too bad… Our 2 dates were feeling really fun and then he self destructed like this.

  287.  #287Starla on July 20, 2012 at 6:31 am

    april rose, it’s not the attention, it’s the “omg you didn’t talk to me for a day, so i am going to assume you don’t want to talk to me at all.”

    this is like the third or fourth time in 3 days he’s acting like this. he needs to freaking chill out. it’s insane.

  288.  #288turquoise on July 20, 2012 at 6:35 am

    So, added my new pic to POF, definitely more emails. Unfortunately one from a guy looking for no strings attached who sent me a pic of him in his underwear… nice package though, lol. Another guy who will be in town on business…. p-lease… let’s see what else pops up today. My boss is away on vacation, and office manager is out running errands… may be a nice and easy day at work. 🙂

    On a side note, soooo horribly tragic about what happened in Colorado. So scary that something like that can happen, anywhere, and I really don’t know what the solution is. 🙁

  289.  #289Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 6:36 am

    Turquoise those kinds I ignore.

  290.  #290Pamelala on July 20, 2012 at 6:37 am


    Could you share exactly that with CL? “Our dates together felt so fun, but now I feel kind of scared and pressured and like this man I was enjoying is self-destructing.”

    IDK, I feel sad for him…I have been this guy – so full of anxiety and longing and not being able to stop himself. I get a sense that he knows he’s freaking out, but can’t refrain from asking for clarity and reassurance.

    Perhaps some “I want” and “I don’t want” messages would be helpful.

    Sending love to all the sirens today!

  291.  #291turquoise on July 20, 2012 at 6:38 am

    Starla….. I’d cut him a little slack. He obviously really likes you… and maybe he is feeling insecure. Dating sucks most of the time, we hurt each other over and over… it gets old. No one wants to waste time. Obviously you were on his mind a lot, and he is hoping you feel the same. I’d tell him that you had a busy day, you do have a busy life… and that his email felt overwhelming to read after just a few dates. He felt ignored, we’ve all been there… maybe it triggered a past relationship for him.

  292.  #292April Rose on July 20, 2012 at 6:39 am

    A man will act how he acts. In the way he has learned.


    WE LET HIM KNOW how we want things to be. He is waiting to find out what we expect of him.
    If he is a good man he will follow your wishes to make you feel happy.

    You don’t seem to realise how much power you have to craft a man’s behaviour into something that feels good to you.
    Waiting for the perfectly-formed man to show up is … well…… a very long shot, I’d say.

  293.  #293ruth on July 20, 2012 at 6:39 am

    Oh how ironic
    I was feeling very ignored on the other blog, but here you all are

    Loads to read back on
    Tam, I am feeling confused about what you want with Mr U.So I expect he must be too

    I think ignoring is abuse if it is done with malicious intent, or as part of a game.
    Ifit is to step back to give someone sp[ace, then thats another thing altogether

    Radlove, I hope tonight goes beautifully

  294.  #294Starla on July 20, 2012 at 6:41 am

    oh i am crying i feel so upset, i just got the news about the massacre at the movie theater here last night.

  295.  #295Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 6:42 am

    If you have the experience of always meeting needy or controlling people, it is likely because you are also needy and controlling and don’t realize it.

  296.  #296Pamelala on July 20, 2012 at 6:43 am

    Starla, When I heard the news this morning, I thought of you. I’m glad you are safe. It’s so sad…it feels like all the crazies live in Colorado and I’m feeling less and less safe here.

  297.  #297April Rose on July 20, 2012 at 6:45 am

    I like what you said Pamelala and Turquoise.

  298.  #298Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 6:45 am

    SuziQ says:
    As water seeks the lowest level point, and penetrates at the most invisible points, so do we seek and discover companions that are emotionally at our level.

  299.  #299Starla on July 20, 2012 at 6:45 am

    thank you, ladies, you have been EXTREMELY helpful about CL.

    I feel no interest in responding to him right now. I just feel full of grief.

  300.  #300Shar lean way back on July 20, 2012 at 6:49 am

    Last night Sweetie asked what was wrong. I said nothing. He said liar. This morning I told him I was feeling overwhelmed. He wanted to fix it 🙂 Sometimes it takes me a while to say what I”m feeling. Last night laying in bed, I thought of my Mother and how hard it was for her to express. Sometimes she wanted to “talk” to me, she would be struggling. My response was to go introvert and I would shut down.
    (( Mom ))

  301.  #301Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 6:50 am

    RE 292 Such wise words April Rose.

  302.  #302Francesca on July 20, 2012 at 6:52 am

    FW @278


    I want to be that woman.

    Thank you for sharing.

  303.  #303ruth on July 20, 2012 at 6:53 am

    willl read back more a bit later

  304.  #304Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 6:56 am

    Shar it is always enlightening and we learn about ourselves when we bring things back to “me”.

  305.  #305ruth on July 20, 2012 at 6:57 am


  306.  #306Starla on July 20, 2012 at 6:58 am

    I am okay. I hope my Japanese classmate’s okay. he was there last night, and who knows who else. Just waiting to find out. This is the second time me and my people have been through this, waiting to find out if everyone we know is okay from a massacre.

    I guess the most I can do right now is get on the train and go to work and not be afraid that it’s going to happen again. Not be afraid that some crazy person is going to freak out and start shooting on the train or something. Even if I’m crying today behind my dark glasses, I don’t want to feel afraid.

  307.  #307Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Welcome Francesca

    Shar lean I felt triggered and angry at him calling you “liar”. But your emotional fitness and maturity shined through as you looked at yourself rather than lashing out at what could easily be perceived as criticism or making you wrong. Brava to you. I really honor you for taking that big step.

  308.  #308Francesca on July 20, 2012 at 7:01 am


    I’m confident you will handle this as the true Siren that you are.

    I’m also deeply sorry for what happened in CO.

    There was also a dramatic shooting in the Toronto area this past week.

    A friendly gathering turned into total chaos.


  309.  #309Shar lean way back on July 20, 2012 at 7:02 am

    Love you FW 🙂

  310.  #310ruth on July 20, 2012 at 7:03 am

    Remember Rori says “what you don’t love about yourelf triggers you.

    FW–wow that is food for thought

  311.  #311Francesca on July 20, 2012 at 7:06 am


  312.  #312Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 7:09 am


  313.  #313Pamelala on July 20, 2012 at 7:10 am

    Yesterday, with K, I triggered about the way I’ve abused my own sexuality and some beliefs and fears I have about engaging fully with him.

    On Wednesday, I shared my entire abuse and resulting sexual addiction history with K and he was really great about it. Yesterday, as we were engaging in some play and petting, I found myself shutting down and getting upset with him for enjoying so much the way my body responds to his touch…and angry at my body for responding even though I was triggered and didn’t want to be sexual any more.


    K asked if I was OK…I betrayed myself and him and said yes. He came close and hugged me and asked what was going on…but I didn’t have to answer because he interpretted my thoughts correctly and assured me that the connection he feels with me is about the heart…and that sexuality is just a part of that.

    He asked if I was afraid that if we went “all the way” that things would just be downhill from there…or if I was thinking that consumating our relationship would make him care for me more…or both. I said, “both.”

    He assured me of what we’ve already talked about…that the goal of our relationship is intimacy and a deep heart connection and, eventually, marriage. He said that anyone can have sex, but it takes something special to connect at the level that we want to connect at (before having intercourse) and things will move forward as we grow more and more connected and won’t happen too soon and won’t sabotage our hearts.

    I feel like I’m rambling…but K’s words were really soothing and supportive. I’m thankful that he can find words when I can’t…I just tend to shut down when I’m triggered and have such difficulty finding words – that is the exact pattern of my behavior after the abuse of my childhood and early adulthood.

    I deserve to have a voice and will open my heart and find words to share my feelings better…even when I am triggered.

    Thanks for listening ladies…I’m so grateful to have a place to share these things so I don’t stuff it.

  314.  #314Radlove on July 20, 2012 at 7:18 am



  315.  #315Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 7:23 am

    Pamelala your comments remind me about some things I read

    “It takes a real man and real love to show actions to back up the words”

    “I feel accepted. I feel so happy just being me”.

  316.  #316April Rose on July 20, 2012 at 7:25 am


    Could you share your grief with him?

    I may be wrong but I get this sense of judgement from you (I own it as mine also) that ‘no man deserves the precious gift of my vulnerability’.

  317.  #317Miss Bells on July 20, 2012 at 7:29 am

    If I CD when my heart isn’t really in it because I am still in pain from last relationship, won’t my vibe be off?
    Sadness is not sexy, is it?

  318.  #318April Rose on July 20, 2012 at 7:34 am

    Miss Bells,
    You being in your authentic feeling self is very attractive.
    I remember Jessie telling her story of a similar thing. The new man she met couldn’t wait to get close to her to ease the sorrow of her recent heartbreak.

  319.  #319Pamelala on July 20, 2012 at 7:34 am

    Thanks, FW.

    So far, K has been the kind of man whose actions consistently back up (or preceed) his words. I feel love and accepted by him…my struggle is to love and accept myself.

    I’ll be doing some EFT around that this weekend while he is away for work…the weekend is mine to heal and love on my friends and play.


  320.  #320Annie on July 20, 2012 at 7:35 am

    Radlove says:



    I feel confused, what am I being asked Radlove?

  321.  #321Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 7:36 am

    No sadness is not sexy. But you would get to experience your sad heart if you do. “when my heart breaks it breaks open to hold more love”.

    CDating could shift your focus to happier experiences that little by little lifts your vibe.

  322.  #322Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 7:37 am

    “The more faith you have in yourself and your destiny, the more you’ll enjoy the process of your life, whatever it brings.

    And the more you enjoy your life, the more attractive you are to others – and the more positive your experiences become.

    And pretty soon, you’ll be having such a good time that your faith will naturally grow and grow, and your fear and confusion will become less intense, and less a part of it all… “

  323.  #323Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 7:42 am

    ” You need to TRUST – trust the woman you were that left him, trust that if it was meant to “get him to realize” the error of his ways it would have, trust that if he wanted what you wanted he would have done WHATEVER it took to work things out – and not have made him just want to be your “friend with benefits” while he’s a kid in a candy store.

    As for that new girlfriend of his – sounds like a classic rebound – it’s what weak men do when they’re hurting.

    They DIVE into the next woman that comes along, so they don’t have to feel their pain.

    Everything you’ve told me about him tells me he’s a weak man…

    There’s some very important things you need to know:

    First of all, studies show that if a man is going to marry you, the longer you’re with him the LESS likely he is to marry you.

    The average couple becomes engaged in 18 months.

    So, unless you started living together at the age of 12 or something, you were right to think he probably wasn’t going to ever commit if he hadn’t in seven years.

    Please stop talking to yourself as though you’re a heroine in a tragic love opera or something.

    All this talk about there being “no one else” for you and that “your life will never be the same” is just how you feel now because you’re grieving… but not the truth.

    It’s healthy to grieve. But it’s NOT healthy to tell yourself such scary lies.

    Because here’s the truth: life is long, and the world is full of wonderful men to love.

    You can’t ruin what’s meant to be, and you can’t fix what’s not”.

    Carol Allen

  324.  #324April Rose on July 20, 2012 at 7:43 am

    I love the poem you posted.

    The verse
    “Imagine a woman who has crafted a fully formed solitude.
    A woman who is available to herself.
    Who chooses friends and lovers with the capacity to respect her solitude.”

    I am working on expressing this part of who I am, to EM.

  325.  #325Tam on July 20, 2012 at 7:43 am

    Ruth, I would have liked to have a relationship with him, but when he knows that he runs. When I say ‘ok, let’s forget it’ he is on my case. Always been the pattern.
    He doesn’t want to call it a relationship presumably due to the pressure he feels from that word. When we had a heart to heart he said ‘I don’t know if I can do relatiinship, I am a bit of a hermit’.
    Then he said ‘let’s have a relationship ( when I was with someone else), then ‘let’s be
    friends with benefits’ and when I said that’s not for me he’ll say ‘let’s be platonic friends’ and ‘we want different things’, which is clear to me!
    Yet when we are together, I feel loved and he is totally into me, there has never been anyone else either….he has treated me as his gf in all but words, he calls it a ‘quasi- relationship’ (trigger). So last time I asked for it not to be sexual as Iwant a real relationshipor nothing. So he still did everything for/with me except sex and says ‘ I want to show you that this (us) is not just about sex’.
    So, what IS it about?????
    I have no idea.

  326.  #326Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Tam – emotional connection of the heart. Sex is just the icing on the top. I have had guys say to me “it is not about the sex” too.

  327.  #327ruth on July 20, 2012 at 7:53 am


    so, does it matter what he calls it then, as long as you feel like you are loved and his GF??

  328.  #328Miss Bells on July 20, 2012 at 7:53 am

    To me–When a guy that is obviously “into” you sexually says it’s not “just” about sex, they are trying to tell you that they have feelings for you.
    If a man is not into you as anything but a platonic friend the word “sex” is unlikely to come out of his mouth.

  329.  #329ruth on July 20, 2012 at 7:55 am


    what a lovely man K seems to be

  330.  #330Jasmine on July 20, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Awwww Radlove,

    199 – That felt really good to read. Why did you change your name?


  331.  #331Emoticon on July 20, 2012 at 7:57 am

    Miss Bells, I have had a guy say this to me, but it didn’t feel true to me. I know at some point he did have feelings for me, i felt disrespected, i didnt feel cared for, i didnt feel loved, i pretty much felt like it was all about the sex. He kept saying that it wasnt just about the sex but I didnt believe that.

  332.  #332Jasmine on July 20, 2012 at 8:01 am

    Hey Bloom-ing,

    202 – I was actually talking about him that day. I leaned forward to say hi, but conversations got longer and longer until we got to that.

    Don’t feel tense!!

  333.  #333Radlove on July 20, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Jack and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year,

    And every year Jack would say,

    ” Norma, I’d like to ride in that helicopter ”

    Norma always replied,

    ” I know Jack , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

    And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! ”

    One year Jack and Norma went to the fair, and Jack said,

    ” Norma, I’m 70 years old.

    If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance”

    To this, Norma replied,

    ” Jack, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks”

    The pilot overheard the couple and said,

    ” Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny!

    But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”

    Jack and Norma agreed and up they went.

    The pilot did all kinds of scary maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

    He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

    But still not a word…

    When they landed, the pilot turned to Jack and said,

    ” By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed! ”

    Jack replied, ” Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Norma fell out,

    But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! “

  334.  #334Radlove on July 20, 2012 at 8:20 am


    330 – I don’t know, a couple of people seemed resistant to my other name, so I changed it. To me it was just about finding inner healing after a lifetime of being treated like pond scum.

  335.  #335Radlove on July 20, 2012 at 8:22 am


    I was simply giving you a hug.

  336.  #336Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 8:23 am

    When you are depressed, you are NOT FEELING. Depression means you are close to NUMB. Sadness may come through, but the emotion that is most important to understanding and dealing with depression is ANGER.

    When you HELP a person who feels so angry and ashamed, you make them ANGRIER. You make them MORE depressed.

    You’re going to need to be able to Trust Your Boundaries in the face of a man letting go of years and years of anger that has NOTHING to do with YOU.

  337.  #337Radlove on July 20, 2012 at 8:24 am


    293 – Thank you!

  338.  #338Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Rori Raye says:
    Katie – stop pushing. Let him do what he wants. Trying to talk a man into anything is a losing proposition. It’s damaging all the way around. And – sorry – but I don’t think this is just about kindness. You FEEL compassionate and sad – but this is about YOU. You want to introduce him to your family, you want him to be DIFFERENT…you want to make change…this is controlling, manipulating – and, please stop it. You and he, if this works, will create NEW traditions for the two of you, and your family will slowly become a part of that. Just drop it. Love, Rori

  339.  #339Tam on July 20, 2012 at 8:25 am

    Hello Ladies and Ruth,
    I know he has feelings for me….I can feel it when we are together. The crux is that he does not seem to want to move forward and I just feel more and more insecure as time goes by. If I run, he will run after me as if his life depended on it…but now what have I got? I have a guy who says it’s not about sex, I like your company, then of course he is attracted to me and we can’t help but feel attracted..then he gets terribly frustrated if he makes a move sexually and I say ‘please don’t because I don’t feel emotionally safe outside a relationship’ – and I cen see he is hurting because he wants to be with me with all it entails but he can’t get himself to ‘seal the deal’….
    Sooooooooooo why? Before me he was together with what he calls his dream woman, a stunning beautiful tall blonde – a long distance relationship, they spoke every day and she was not divorced yet. Totally safe for him, he loved it – and he told everybody proudly: this is my girlfriend, everyone knew. AND when they split up he lost loads of weight, announced his pain on his fb etc etc (I could still see that but we met about 8 months after it happened). So it’s not like he can’t admit to having a relationship, it’s that there is something stopping him of going the full way with ME.
    I do not inspire him to commit fully, for whatever reason…and I am so tired of it.
    He knows I like him, perhaps he doesn’t know I love him but I believe that we both know how we feel about each other, it’s kind of obvious and even our friends pick up on it….as much as he is not a PDA man, he makes sure he always pushes everybody out of the way who stands or sits next to me (his place) and will grab my hand occasionally in front of friends (which surprises me also).
    I don’t know what’s stopping him, but something is.

    And now all I get is emails like: the weather is nice, have a great time bla bla bla, and how happy he is to be selling up and leaving. It just doesn’t even inspire me to read them anymore let alone reply.

    It is so sad. he is such a difficult and angry man but he is so sweet to me, and so caring and it feels so amazing when we are together…being with him would make for a pretty unconventional relationship, as he is quite a loner in some ways (but also clingy in others, he loves my company)….but I was quite willing to try it with him, you know, but it does take two to tango and I am not hoping anymore.
    Everytime we get together, he will ask me about whether I had any serious dates etc (basically we all know what he wants to hear), and then he will tell me that he has not dated anyone seriously, and is almost miffed that I have…but it still does not inspire him to ‘claim’ me.
    And, to be honest, sometimes I think one of the reasons why he is not getting intimate with anyone else is that most women wouldn’t put up with the nonsense (he is difficult)….especially when you don’t know that he is a very good guy underneath all that. I believe given opportunities, he’d go for it just like I did/do.
    So, no idea what the deal is. Right now it’s just pleasantries via email and it’s not enough for me.

  340.  #340Starla on July 20, 2012 at 8:27 am

    april rose 316
    i mean my grief over the massacre, not him being a putz

  341.  #341Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 8:27 am

    There is only one way to handle this – and that’s the Siren way – to leave him be. That doesn’t mean cut him off necessarily, or be mean – it just means drop the conversation and get out there and Circular Date to improve your own sense of yourself, to see that there ARE other men out there, and to grow your opinion of yourself and shift your vibe. Love, Rori

  342.  #342Emoticon on July 20, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Tam…. i feel what u feel. I have been there, and still am to a certain extent. But after three years we are in the same position and so I have decided to put him and our relationship in my past.

  343.  #343Starla on July 20, 2012 at 8:31 am

    d*mn I feel really sad, and what’s interesting is my sadness has this default position of going back to “being about” CF.

  344.  #344turquoise on July 20, 2012 at 8:31 am

    FW, thanks for the link to the depressed man article. I was going to ask where to find it. Mr. Conversation has told me a few times he feels depressed, but then other times he seems good. I’m interested in reading the article.

  345.  #345Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 8:34 am

    Welcome turquoise. Knowledge is power and even if he is not clinically depressed it will not hurt to know how to “create safety for a depressed man”.

  346.  #346Tam on July 20, 2012 at 8:37 am

    FW and Miss Bells, actually he said something about his dream ex girlfriend that surprised me also last time (because everytime a stunning blonde walks past us he will go blurry eyed and say: ‘awww, she looks just like my ex’)…..when I questioned him about the relationship, he used to always say how lovely she was and how they talked everyday etc.
    And last time he said: ‘actually, to be honest, it was mainly about sex’ (she was in the middle of a divorce etc). I don’t know if he meant for her or him or both – but she finished it so I think for her it was just a bit of fun to travel to Fl once a month…he never met any of her friends/family.
    And yeah, to me he said ‘I want to show you this is not just about sex’.
    So what is missing for him? If it’s about the whole thing, why is it not enough to inspire him?
    That’s the reason why I just feel like screaming nowadays when he gets into contact because he is playing ‘friends only’. ARGH!!!
    I feel angry and impatient and I just want to hear out of his mouth that he has no feelings for me and he will never want me. Because I want to stop even thinking about him.

  347.  #347Tam on July 20, 2012 at 8:40 am

    Emoticon, that is exactly what I fear also. It just goes on and on.

    And yes, like I said, I have dated and dated and even had a relationship in the middle of it all…and yet we always get drawn to each other. I suspect that if I was there all the time we would be together, BUT he would still keep it loose and not call it a relationship and go on dating sites etc etc. He is still searching and so I let him be. I do not see much more use in making contact.

  348.  #348April Rose on July 20, 2012 at 8:41 am

    Starla honey

    I know you meant your grief over the massacre.

    It feels like such a present, authentic part of you right now.
    I often hear your judgements but I don’t feel your vulnerability.

    Would you be willing to share that part of you with a man? any man? To practice being vulnerable with a man…?

  349.  #349Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 8:42 am

    Tam I am not sure you will hear that. Just yesterday a 59 year old widow was telling me she told one man who wants her “you are a piece of sh!*t” last year because he keeps texting her how much he wants her. She says that was her last text to him BUT he keeps contacting her. She wants marriage, he doesn’t so she walked.

  350.  #350Starla on July 20, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Yes, april rose:)
    just not this guy right now, lol

  351.  #351April Rose on July 20, 2012 at 8:44 am

    I meant ‘I don’t often feel your vulnerability’

  352.  #352ReceivingGirl on July 20, 2012 at 8:44 am

    @148 Starla

    Yes, I had I think about 146 in 24 hours. Also, sometimes when they just add you as a favorite, it’s because they don’t meet the criteria you allowed to be able to contact you. When you get the message they want to meet you, that isn’t automatic, it is because they used that one meet me screen and clicked yes to your photo.

    I was completely overwhelmed too.

  353.  #353New Siren on July 20, 2012 at 8:45 am

    Hi Sirens,

    I was wondering if anyone has ever experienced sharing feeling messages with men and finding that they become very patronizing after. Sort of like, I am sorry you feel hurt ect ect. Almost like it makes them feel powerful that they have hurt you? Maybe it is just me…

    (((((sirens)))))) (((((me)))))) (((((((men)))))))

  354.  #354Starla on July 20, 2012 at 8:46 am

    i think i could make a choice not to be depressed. i can feel sadness but not let it “hurt” me.

    I could put back on that slight smile that I always have on, and raise my vibe.

    there is such a pull into the sadness and depression, though.

    and i don’t want to stuff my feelings either, but i think i actually CAN have them coexist inside of me in a way that doesn’t hurt my health or vibe.

  355.  #355turquoise on July 20, 2012 at 8:48 am

    No, he’s not clinically depressed, but situationally. He has a lot of crap going on…. I do feel bad for him because I’ve been there. I feel so relieved to be beyond all that in my life.

    I liked reading about creating a safe space for him… and it was a good reminder that he will be angry at times, and may lash out or over-react to me at times. He had a horrible childhood, and has recently really started to open up to me. On our first date he told me so many crazy things, and what he liked most about me is that he said he never opens up like this to anyone, but we talked for 3 hours that night…. now, to keep it in perspective, we had emailed a few years ago for several months. So, I’m not a totally NEW person to him. But it’s still like that. We talk and talk and talk… so I guess that means he feels safe with me.

  356.  #356Tam on July 20, 2012 at 8:54 am

    Pamelala, K sounds great, and I can really relate to what you wrote above about when you got triggered. I am happy for you that things are working out well

  357.  #357Emoticon on July 20, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Tam. So have I. Its been three years and I have been in relationships in between and dated many people. What feels bad to me is that HE has also been in relationships but when it comes to me he seems scared to go there.

  358.  #358Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 9:00 am

    New Siren yes. But I am learning to ask myself “why do I feel________________”. Most of the times I come up with a past experience (school, parents or with people in power) that I can like the feeling to.

  359.  #359New Siren on July 20, 2012 at 9:03 am


    Yes, youare right. It does trigger me from past experiences so I guess it is a chance to look at that and grow…but part of me wants to lash out and rebalance the power scale. Such as saying well I am totally fine without you, and then act really cold. I will have to work on this…

    Thanks for responding:)

  360.  #360Ella on July 20, 2012 at 9:06 am

    So today a client cancelled last minute and it gave me some time to get some much needed practice on the pole.

    I was able to use my new I phone to take videos of myself practicing and I feel SO excited.

    It feels great to be able to watch them back and see what looks good, what needs amending etc.

    One thing I realised is that I need to go MUCH slower than I thought, and really make the most of each move.

    My dancing looks SO much more sensous when I can get into my feminine energy and just slow down and be and touch.

    It helped to imagine being in love with EVERYTHING around me, especially the pole and the floor as I danced with them.

    To touch them gently and concentrate on them, and my own body, to really be in my own body and feel it as it moved dancing.

    When I did this the whole thing just looked and felt a million times better.

    I felt truly suprised about just how slow I need to go to make it look really sensual! And to really enjoy each move.

    The whole experience also showed me how it feels to really be in my feminine energy, and I think I can carry that with me, and pull it out whenever I need it, including when in the company of men.

    How exciting!


  361.  #361turquoise on July 20, 2012 at 9:06 am

    In a recent conversation with Mr. Conversation…. he sent me this…
    I don’t want you to feel like I don’t care because I do. You’ve been a better friend to me than anyone I’ve known in a long time and I appreciate that so much more than I can express. I feel guilty about how good you are to me. But more than that I really like you and see so much good in you.

    My response: Wow…. I feel surprised to hear that. Thank you.

    Him: I’m sorry I didn’t make it clear all along. 🙁

    I’ve really tried to lean back, not add any pressure to him… just enjoy the time we have together and since he’s not available, I have no expectations. It does feel like he puts up a wall between us sometimes, so it’s one opportunity after another to practice, to lean back… focus on myself and how I feel, and not assume anything about him.

    I do feel for him though, because I remember how hard it was when I was newly separated. Just such a back and forth tug of emotions.

  362.  #362April Rose on July 20, 2012 at 9:07 am


    If not now, when? And with whom?

    You have a ‘practice person’ right in front of you.

    When are you going to open yourself up?

  363.  #363Tam on July 20, 2012 at 9:10 am

    356 Emoticon…hm…yeah, well at least I can say that MrU never had anyone else, but I don’t know if that is through lack of trying or because he couldn’t find anyone. The latter is unlikely, he is extremely attractive in a rough kind of way, and also very intelligent….so if he wanted to, he could have a shave, put on a nice shirt and it would take him 5 minutes to find someone to sleep with or date.
    Hm….I think he is just not that bothered with relationships and having his freedom curbed…but he has a longing too.
    I probably wouldn’t talk to him anymore, if he’d have had gf’s and just wouldn’t want to make ‘me’ official…wow. No way Jose.

  364.  #364Starla on July 20, 2012 at 9:10 am

    April Rose, this dude seems kind of unstable and I have other guys who have texted me to check on me this morning and i am speaking with them about how i feel today.
    i get what you’re trying to say

  365.  #365ruth on July 20, 2012 at 9:14 am

    having been clinically depressed in the past(and having treated loads of depressed patients over the years), it isnt something you can “just snap out of” or “choose not to feel”

    Im not talking about just feeling a bit down, but about true clinical depression

    This helped me a lot at the time

  366.  #366ruth on July 20, 2012 at 9:15 am

    @ tam
    Maybe the NC would be the best thing, but I think you might need to tell him that

  367.  #367Tam on July 20, 2012 at 9:15 am

    352 New Siren, yes, recently. I shared a whole lot of things through mostly feeling messages and my beau said:
    ‘I am happy you are doing so well, keep up the good work’
    which I found terribly patronising, much like I am on his couch and he is my shrink.

  368.  #368Emoticon on July 20, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Tam, we had been exclusive for a very short while, but he acts like going back there is the absolute last thing he’s interested in doing.

  369.  #369Emoticon on July 20, 2012 at 9:19 am

    A guy sends me and email and a picture of his D8ck and the first thought that goes through my head is “ewwww” so i said that. Honestly if i dont know you and feel like we are close friends or lovers and i feel disgusted by unwarranted pictures of ur genitals.

  370.  #370Tam on July 20, 2012 at 9:19 am

    365 Ruth, I don’t know if I should tell him. Fact is that is I stop replying to his latest email (which needs no reply in any case), then it will just stop. It will stop until in 3-4 weeks time he is inquiring if I am still alive.
    I find it weird to say ‘I will stop contact with you now”
    It doesn’t make so much sense, seems a bit flippant. I did already tell him that I am not sure we can be friends and that I know he will understand if at some point I slip away.
    So he can work it out, I think that will be ok.

  371.  #371Tam on July 20, 2012 at 9:20 am

    367 Emoticon, can you let go of him or is he still trying to contact/see you?

  372.  #372siren song on July 20, 2012 at 9:22 am

    oh my gosh just read about the shooting. ((colorado)) so scary.

  373.  #373Jessie1000 on July 20, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Hey girls, I went to see Karl Wolf with my little fellow at the Festival and had a blast….there wasnt too many people there so we were very close.

    It was my little fellows first concert and he was so excited to see someone sing live for him that is famous!

    I put him on my shoulders and he waved his arms and yelled when the other people yelled.

    I cleared my mind and just enjoyed the moment.

    It was a lot of self love along with baby momma love.

    We went on the fair and rides and ate awesome food.

    My little fellow translated everything cause he speaks really good arabic…he called me yamma…which is momma in arabic all night without realizing it and sometimes said stuff in arabic without realizing he had flipped over out of english…hes only 5 so thats common.

    A childs mind is unbelievable for its capacity to grow, learn, remember and experience.

    I remember being young and innocent like that

    My anxiety of pleasing my Beau took me out of my head and away from the beauty of the presents moments that we have each and every day.

    Love and Kisses to alll

  374.  #374ruth on July 20, 2012 at 9:25 am


    And then what will you do in 3-4 weeks?

  375.  #375ReceivingGirl on July 20, 2012 at 9:25 am

    @223 Memulo

    Yes, I know that is what she wants and is trying to accomplish. I don’t want to get into details, but she’s gone really overboard and is pretending to be someone else and now this person’s character doesn’t look good to other people.

  376.  #376Emoticon on July 20, 2012 at 9:27 am

    He still tries to see me. I have told him that I dont want to see him/ sleep with him or anything anymore and he tried to convince me otherwise. He said I confuse him etc. I made it very simple and (not a FM but….) said that if i had a checklist of what I need from my man on his sheet I would be checking off sex. He said that I want to be his whole world etc.
    I ended it by simply telling him I do not want to sell myself short.After that I blocked his messages from coming to my phone so he decided to send me a FB messgage telling em that he came out to the Caribbean Carnival and saw me in it and that I looked nice. I sent a smiley face and that was that.

  377.  #377Tam on July 20, 2012 at 9:28 am

    368 Emoticon, OMG, too funny…nobody here will believe me that people do that – is it a US thing?
    One guy once asked me if I would send him naked pics of me, and I said that he should go first (not expecting anything) – and he did it…with a card over his piece saying ‘happy birthday’ because it was my birthday. I was impressed…but later that got my line and I had already two guys send me pictures of their ‘John Thomas’s’ and I must say, it was really ewwwwwwww..but I showed it to my friends here in Europe and we had a big giggle – they didn’t believe me!! Hahaha. But it’s really ewwww. 😉

  378.  #378Emoticon on July 20, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Tam 3-4 weeks is normally how long it lasts when we are not in contact. I forgot to mention that when he did have a gf he ended up cheating on her with me and their relationship ended because of that.

  379.  #379Francesca on July 20, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Ella @359

    Sounds good! 🙂

    I wish I could see that, will you post it on your FB page or is it just for your own experience?

  380.  #380Emoticon on July 20, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Tam ikr, I have enjoyed getting pics of that just ONE TIME, when me and that CD were exclusive and We were away from each other for a couple months. So i guess i did want to see it.

  381.  #381ReceivingGirl on July 20, 2012 at 9:31 am

    @234 Smile, Lily M

    I feel we need to lean forward periodically to show him that it’s not all him. I know if I was the man and it was always me, I would feel that way too.

  382.  #382ruth on July 20, 2012 at 9:31 am

    English men also like to send photos of their “bits”

    No thank you!

  383.  #383Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Ella- Yummy

  384.  #384Tam on July 20, 2012 at 9:32 am

    373 Ruth, traditionally I would just reply to him. After 3/4 weeks. But it never felt great, much like him checking in to see if I was still ‘open’ – which is why I have an issue with staying open…
    The man has a different timeline to mine, he is not in a rush. The only time I ever saw him in a rush was when once be believed I had gotten married (my phone was broke and he thought I’d cut him off). When he found out that I was single instead of married, he was outside me door within the hour lol.

  385.  #385April Rose on July 20, 2012 at 9:32 am


    I don’t think it’s fair to judge him as unstable at this stage.
    Especially as you haven’t taken the trouble to tell him how you feel and how you wish to be approached.

    Sorry for pushing you. I’m also talking to myself here, and I’m learning to fine-tune the craft of letting a man know who I am and what I want.

  386.  #386Tam on July 20, 2012 at 9:33 am

    381..they doooooo???? Not the ones I have known!! Then again, they were all a bit ‘stiff upper lip’ rather than stiff anything else, academics etc.
    That’s too funny Ruth! Hehehehehe

  387.  #387Jessie1000 on July 20, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Emoticon….I agree with you….COc# pics are disgusting….and not attractive at all.

    To me it shows me someone who is very interested in collecting ur naked pics too….this may not even be his actual privates and you have sent ur pic with ur parts hung out and hopefully not ur face in such a gross way.

    It also shows someone who is agressive about sexuality and I find probably someone who thinks that sex is all about the parts and not feelings…

    I cant have sex with strangers…and I dont want to change or learn how to be those people who can….I told lots of men that…my heart and body is a package and I have no plans to seperate it….or I say do you think I am ur free hooker???

    They usually write back wow thats a big no…lol

    Hopefully they find the kind of girl that they are looking for but Im certainly not it…lol

  388.  #388Tam on July 20, 2012 at 9:35 am

    377 – Emoticon, spooky, do men get withdrawal symptoms of us after 3 weeks?
    Hm. So he is a cheater, your guy? Could you ever trust him?????

  389.  #389Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 9:35 am

    Tam “much like I am on his couch and he is my shrink”. Flip that and think how a man likely feels when we think we are showing care and giving help.

  390.  #390Francesca on July 20, 2012 at 9:36 am

    Emoticon @368

    Ewww, for sure.

    Double ewww.

  391.  #391Emoticon on July 20, 2012 at 9:39 am

    “.my heart and body is a package and I have no plans to seperate it”


  392.  #392ruth on July 20, 2012 at 9:39 am

    English men can be absolutely filthy!

    Its quite funny

  393.  #393April Rose on July 20, 2012 at 9:42 am


    Even if it’s just to say
    “I feel turned off”.

  394.  #394Tam on July 20, 2012 at 9:42 am

    388 FW, good point!!

  395.  #395Starla on July 20, 2012 at 9:42 am

    it would feel great to be able to vent about what i’m going through and not be told to see things differently.

  396.  #396Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 9:42 am

    I believe men are men. They love their body parts and some will show them off. I believe us women could use a lesson from them in that regard.

  397.  #397Radlove on July 20, 2012 at 9:42 am


    365 – Thanks! This book looks superb. I hope to get it soon.

  398.  #398ruth on July 20, 2012 at 9:43 am

    Great post jessie

  399.  #399Emoticon on July 20, 2012 at 9:43 am

    France (ewwwwww)^3

    I have NO interest in men who do that.

    I DO NOT want a husband with D*CK pics in every girls phone and email. WTF. No thanx. Moving on……

  400.  #400Starla on July 20, 2012 at 9:44 am

    i’m at work and i don’t feel good AT ALL using my work time for anything with men that doesn’t feel totally good. if i’m busy, and interacting with them feels bad, then i will stop, and use my busy time how i choose.

    on the other hand, if they’re distracting me with stuff that makes me feel good, then that feels totally okay with me:)

  401.  #401New Siren on July 20, 2012 at 9:45 am

    Tam 366

    Ya, I was reading that post you made and I really identified with it, my ex said something very similar over email. I said It hurts me to talk to you, and he said I am sorry you are hurting. I can’t help you. Which is fair enough but it just felt like wow, I open up and he doesn’t and it’s like he is on higher ground then me…arghhhh

    Oh well. I am trying not to email him anymore because it feels like he wants to constantly hear how I am hurting over him but not share or open up himself. Plus I work with him! lol


  402.  #402bloom-ing on July 20, 2012 at 9:45 am

    this is all going very well & i feel like a magician….. however, i also feel like “pretend” like “fake it till you make it” but i’m going to keep faking it because i feel sure i’m really making it : ))

    lovely days to all the ladies…. it is very sunny & scary here.

  403.  #403Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Depression isn’t a feeling. It’s a COVER for feelings.

    If you’re prone to depression, it’s like a heavy lid over the soup of your feelings, making you numb, listless, sad-seeming. The “soup” keeps steaming out, and it’s usually icky feelings that come up – grief, pain…actually comforting feelings we’re used to.

    if you’re prone to anxiety (my lid looks like this) – then you feel jumpy and fearful when the soup of your feelings is in tumult and strong feelings are trying to come up to the surface.

  404.  #404ruth on July 20, 2012 at 9:47 am

    My pleasure radlove

    What are you wearing tonight then?

  405.  #405Tam on July 20, 2012 at 9:47 am

    391- Ruth, I must have been sheltered, I lived in Guernsey for 11 years and Wales before that…

  406.  #406ruth on July 20, 2012 at 9:48 am

    FW re depression
    I agree with you and Rori up to a point
    In that the depersonalisation is *part * of it

    but not the whole kit and caboodle

  407.  #407Tam on July 20, 2012 at 9:50 am

    yeah, Radlove, it’s date night with R!!!!!

  408.  #408ruth on July 20, 2012 at 9:51 am

    Tam, Welsh men are no better LOL

    I am in wales right now

    Reading about your issues with your CD is interesting Starla.
    I guess men might feel the same when we get too keen.
    If i ever saw a good case for leaning back, that is it

  409.  #409Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 9:51 am

    “That’s the thing. When he’s stuffing it – you feel it more. Then you stuff it, and he feels it more.

    When you both slowly stop stuffing and start expressing (for him it will look more like a scary vent – for you – well – you know how to “Fall To Your Knees” – to “Sink Into Feelings” and use “Feeling Messages” so it will look and feel like a glorious, charismatic reclaiming of yourself and a vast feeling of personal power and self-esteem) – everything will change for the better.

    And – if he’s not capable of change – you’ll know, and you’ll also know what to do.”

  410.  #410ReceivingGirl on July 20, 2012 at 9:53 am

    I haven’t made any decisions yet.

    I have this issue. I feel myself wanting to be bossy and controlling with Mr. Observant. I’ve been trying to stay out of his business, but now that I’ve been dragged in, it’s been hard to stay out. I find myself having a ton of opinions and making statements about what he should or shouldn’t do.

    Yesterday, I told him I was going to lecture him for a second. I told him, not to do something he was doing because if he got caught, she could use it against him as being unsafe for the kids. It was nothing that everyone doesn’t do, but he really needs to think about these things because she is looking for anything and everything to get him. He agreed with me and gave me a smile. About 5 minutes later, he did it again and I said, what did we just talk about? He giggled and said, yes, I have to remember that.

    I feel worried she is going to get him on something so stupid because he isn’t thinking like her. It’s kind of scary to think that even though I’m not a devious, vindictive B(tch, I would be VERY good at it if I chose to be. I know I can outsmart anyone when I really want to. People so underestimate me. I could create big probs for her as well, if I chose to. However, I really don’t want to have to do that because it would only hurt the kids more.

    I’ve been holding back from saying a ton more because I don’t want to be that opinionated, controlling girl, but I also feel compelled to do what I can to help him protect himself. I mean, I’m feeling very masculine right now. Although, I was feminine energy yesterday too. I did let him treat me to dinner, he went all out and even served up my plate of food. He’s really sweet!

  411.  #411Jessie1000 on July 20, 2012 at 9:54 am

    Emoticon! Of course you can use it…I got it from this blog lol

    And wow, it really diffuses the situation and one guy that heard me say that told me wow….That is something that I can respect….

    Honestly girls, from the people I know…sex is better when you wait for it…its hotter, its warmer, its funner and its passionate….doing stuff cause ur horny is OK and I have done that but….a guy can tell by ur shyness if you have been around the block and if you havent been….

    If you are seriously looking for long term with someone, look at that mystery man as someone that you want to save yourself for…cause he deserves you and he will enjoy you and your beauty and he is waiting for you out there and you are waiting for him too….when guys see that….they understand you are committed to your own body, your own feelings and your own passion ….the doesnt come from one night stands….it comes from connection and talking….

    I made my little fellows daddy wait for like 6 months…omg it was so hard…I couldnt cuddle on the couch with him cause I knew that it would be ON!!!!

    So we went out alot…we didnt make out alot cause it was difficult….I told him Im waiting for the right guy and i want to have kids and Im not settling for you yet cause I dont know you….

    When we had sex the first time…OMG it was so loving and wonderfull and no SKILLS stuff ….there was no need to worry about who could do what or how well or who was the best….we just couldnt keep our hands off each other because we loved each other through and through….

    BTW the other guys that didnt get me, used to see us together and say to me…so he CAUGHT You and we couldnt eh? LOL

    I had to find my boundaries and I had to commit to my beliefs that I really wanted something GREAT and not something quick, or a flash in the pan like the booty call

    PLUS, I avoided diseases….MY Girlfriend who thinks IM a prude (and I am actually until I find the right guy) whos barely had a relationship last longer than 6 to 9 months….has way more sex than i do…and she has skills…she told me in bed…she swings from the chandelier…but she has never been married….she is talked bad about in her town, the guys look for her in bars and pass her around….shes slept with the whole tragically hip and bragged to me about it and WOW I was sad for her….to me that wasnt a conquest at all….

    Anyway, there are bad boys and good boys out there that will love your stance on sex if you love yourself for it and ur not just trying to manipulate anything….

    Remember u are a prize….Including ur heat and energy and passion in the bedroom…Prizes are sought after and not given away….!

    Make them work for your kisses!

    Make them show themselves first in order to get to love you!!!

    Make them know that you dont take shit!

    LOve to all of you


  412.  #412April Rose on July 20, 2012 at 9:57 am

    The righteous ‘telling’ the righteous….

    I intend to let go of controlling the outcome.

    I will focus on me.

    I am a feisty lady too. But I have other shades and colours that I wish to explore.
    Come with me?
    It’s an invitation.

  413.  #413Radlove on July 20, 2012 at 9:58 am


    I haven’t decided. I am playing with the idea of wearing a shocking pink, low cut swim suit under a button down black shirt, worn open, with black jeans. I will try that on and if I don’t like it, then I am thinking of wearing a brown tank top with diamond sequins around the neckline under a sheer blouse that has a neck beneath the neckline of the tank top. It has a paisly design with maroon, pink, brown, black, and white. And also black jeans.

    Or I could wear a leopard print dress. Is that too much for a bar when he is used to seeing me in jeans?

  414.  #414bloom-ing on July 20, 2012 at 9:58 am

    regarding pictures… i found it funny listening to my man & his friend last night… his friend is dating girls & he was saying how he kept feeling like he had to reassure this one girl that he wouldn’t text her all the time or text her sexy messages or text her pictures….& he suddenly realized that she actually was ASKING him to do that…. sharing her experiences with it… inviting him to do it & he felt super freaked out lol……… he said he had to start ignoring her texts more than half the time… man did not even have that kind of behavior on his radar… he was like, people do that ?

  415.  #415Tam on July 20, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Ruth, oh I looooove Wales. I just didn’t stay cause there were no jobs late 90’s….

    New Siren….hmmm….yes, condescending. At least I knew my guy wouldn’t open up even if I went first, second and third, him telling me he was shy was the biggest thing he probably ever told me. He is a tough case. But remember we open up for ourselves, to be authentic and speak our truth. If they don’t follow, we have done our ‘job’. I feel sad for them because it sure feels good to open up, it must be terrible to bottle up everything and then act condescending and patronising, don’t you think? let’s practice compassion for those hardened hearts….

  416.  #416Jennifer on July 20, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Rori, this is such a great post!! I don’t always comment, but alllwaaays reading what you have to say!!
    When my man gets upset, I generally let him have his space…I don’t chase him- haha, I’ve actually learned a lot from you here!

    I don’t know if this is off subject, but somehow I feel it connects. I read this article ***From the Perpective of a Man!!*** He talks about what it’s like to be criticized and what he loves about how his girfriend is sooo different…I wonder if this could contribute to us women here? I LOVED reading it!!!

  417.  #417Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 10:01 am

    So – take your time before you make judgments about what is or isn’t possible.

    The only thing you need to know, from the first moment to the present moment, is if a man’s energy is coming TOWARD you.

  418.  #418Starla on July 20, 2012 at 10:05 am

    woah sadness
    i need validation
    and i also don’t think i’m ready to date
    i have more work to do on me
    so scared to be alone!
    i’m getting old!
    help! time is my enemy!

  419.  #419Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 10:07 am

    How about this for a Mantra: Confidence is the fall-back position. (I just made that up.)

    I SAY IT IS. Go ahead, say it: “I’m beautiful. I’m beauty. I love my body because it’s mine, and I get to love it, and so I’m loving it…”

    Touch your body – softly, slowly, and every time you touch it where it feels good and soft and smooth and YOURS – say it out loud.

    I’m going to the mirror right now…let me know how it feels to FEEL GOOD in your own skin.

    Love, Rori

  420.  #420Tam on July 20, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Starla, my friend found the man of her dreams at 50, and she had been through some long term relationships…life is not about a ‘goal’ it’s about riding the waves and dealing with constant change. She tells me at 36 I have plenty of time and have learnt a lot more than what she knew that age.

    So you are even further down the line. You know more than most women twice your age.

    Please re-joice in the amazingness that is you. You know I am right.

  421.  #421Starla on July 20, 2012 at 10:07 am

    i think i’m going to puke
    the world is scary

  422.  #422ruth on July 20, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Tam.I love wales too
    Cardiff has changed so much since the 90s though

    The only trouble is the weather! Wehave a 10% incidence of sever vitamin D deficiency here cos there is not much sun!

    Radlove-whooooooooo! Nice! Hope you have a great time

    Anyway, ladies, must love you and leave you as i now have to drive back to England
    its ben interesting and informative, as always

  423.  #423Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 10:09 am

    However – a man who’s “in love” in the first place does NOT turn his feelings into “friendship.” If he says he wants to be “friends” – then that’s very possibly the way he ALWAYS felt.

    However – a man who’s “in love” in the first place does NOT turn his feelings into “friendship.” If he says he wants to be “friends” – then that’s very possibly the way he ALWAYS felt.

    You can save yourself so much pain by NOT ASSUMING ANYTHING. Just because it looks like love to you, and feels like love to you – it doesn’t mean it’s love to HIM

  424.  #424Tam on July 20, 2012 at 10:10 am

    FW, you are keeping us going here….

  425.  #425ruth on July 20, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Starla, breathe


  426.  #426Daria on July 20, 2012 at 10:11 am

    Aww Linda that felt so wonderful to be called a jewel 🙂

  427.  #427New Siren on July 20, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Yes, you are so right, compassion and understanding forthem and ourselves:)


    I know I am new to the blog but I have been reading the posts for a long time…I am so excited that it is finally “date night” for you and R! I hope it goes ubber great! The brown sequin outfit sounds like the best bet, not too much not too little.
    Hope you have a blast.


  428.  #428Emoticon on July 20, 2012 at 10:15 am


    “Starla, my friend found the man of her dreams at 50, and she had been through some long term relationships…life is not about a ‘goal’ it’s about riding the waves and dealing with constant change. She tells me at 36 I have plenty of time and have learnt a lot more than what she knew that age.

    So you are even further down the line. You know more than most women twice your age.

    Please re-joice in the amazingness that is you. You know I am right.”

    I wonder how it would feel drop the belief that there is only one person out there for me and other than that one person everybody is just going to last a couple months in my life.

    I wonder how it would feel to be in a long term relationship and have kids in my thirties but then meet someone else in my fifties who i fall for and thats who i stay with to the end of my days.

    I dont even feel unhappy at all thinking about that possibility. I actually feel relieved. Liek a load just dropped off my shoulders. I don’t need to find my forever person now. i just need to find Mr. FeelGoodRightNow!!!

  429.  #429New Siren on July 20, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Yes, you are so right, compassion and understanding forthem and ourselves:)


    I know I am new to the blog but I have been reading the posts for a long time…I am so excited that it is finally “date night” for you and R! I hope it goes ubber great! The brown sequin outfit sounds like the best bet, not too much not too little.
    Hope you have a blast.


  430.  #430Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 10:21 am

    “So if he utters the words “I want to be your friend” – beware. Any energy you spend trying to turn that into passion will look needy, clingy, desperate – and like you aren’t HEARING HIM.

    He will feel unheard and unsafe – and he will also automatically assume that YOU are telling the truth.”

  431.  #431ReceivingGirl on July 20, 2012 at 10:22 am

    @236-240 Tam

    1st post didn’t go through. I feel you are doing beautifully. We are all going through some kind of process. Hugs to you!!

  432.  #432Tam on July 20, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Ruth, I used to live in Cathays, middle of Cardiff, saw some funny things, including a girl and boy engaged in a bj in my garden. Crikey.
    My best relationship was with a Welsh boy, he adored me, 5 years it was and just because we were so young our lives kind of diverged, he is still one of my best friends.
    No rickets..haha..we need the sun, that’s why I am aiming for Florida, 18 years UK I was sun deprived 😉
    Have a safe drive!!

  433.  #433Tam on July 20, 2012 at 10:24 am

    Emoticon, I believe in that too, very much so. Just that my friend was in toxic relationships, so for her it is now a new start with an amazing man.
    I agree that there are many amazing men. I found one in my early 20’s – and for sure there is one out there for right now too.

  434.  #435Tam on July 20, 2012 at 10:25 am

    RG, thank you!! I feel like I am not moving forward at all sometimes, so glad you feel differently 😉

  435.  #436ReceivingGirl on July 20, 2012 at 10:26 am

    Does anyone know, when a person’s name changes to Facebook User, does that mean they blocked me or that they disabled their account?

  436.  #437Emoticon on July 20, 2012 at 10:27 am

    FW no guy eevr wants to be friends with me. So guess they all really do have feelings for me but for some reason don’t want the whole cow.

    Bloom-ing’s synopsis of ME must be right. They love me but cant handle being with a goddess. Some guys out there can though I feel SURE of that because I have ex boyfriends.

  437.  #438Daria on July 20, 2012 at 10:29 am

    Liliy Medusa hehe I feel glad you liked it it felt healing for md 🙂

  438.  #439Daria on July 20, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Esteemed – it felt fun sometimes but a lot of lonely

  439.  #440Tam on July 20, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Ok, Ladies – off for a night of fun with my bestest girlfriend from school days. I feel lucky..

  440.  #441Emoticon on July 20, 2012 at 10:36 am

    The two guys that I just recently cut contact with have told me in the past that they have no interest in being friends with me, when i had become exclusive with one guy for a short while. But i FEEL like their friend, well one more than the other.

  441.  #442Belle on July 20, 2012 at 10:36 am


    My entire life has changed. I’m not kidding.
    I’ll start a blog soon to write about all of this because it is amazing how much is shifting and shifting and shifting and shifting and OMG OMG OMG!!!! Goodness!

    I was very aware that being attracted to a toxic man reflected that I was toxic, I just didn’t know what to do with it. Last night dreamed a very vivid dream of a woman who had massive varicose veins and huge tubes of oozing goo and I asked her, “So, what’s causing this?”
    “Thoughts.” She responded. “They have nowhere to go.” So one of the tubes broke open and started draining and I woke up and have been romping through my imagination making peace with every frigging memory getting exactly what I want and need from them all day.

    My imagination is on my side now!

  442.  #443ReceivingGirl on July 20, 2012 at 10:38 am

    @272 (((Annie)))

  443.  #444Emoticon on July 20, 2012 at 10:39 am

    YAY Belle. I fele very interested in seeing your blog when it comes about.

  444.  #445Emoticon on July 20, 2012 at 10:43 am

    When i feel disinterested in a guy on POF i feel so sorry for him. awwwww man but thats how i feel i cant help it. And they always try to convince me that I should get to know them. I probably should but when i have 10 guys to pick from, i dont feel like I should use my time getting to know guys i feel turned off by.

  445.  #446Daria on July 20, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Oh damn no I want mr forever now

    I want it forever

    Or else I suppose I can have kids by myself w the assistance of my army of men ?

  446.  #447Daria on July 20, 2012 at 11:05 am

    I feel pain and panic that I ‘can’t’ answer every man 🙁

    And I quickly lose cute men not answering.

    That’s what I think!!! Aahh I don’t return their calls. I have like 10 voicemails

    So much stress wat if it could be ok ?

  447.  #448Daria on July 20, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Men being silly and violent is a tribute to their women being silly and violent

  448.  #449Daria on July 20, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Men always follow our spiritual lead

  449.  #450Starla on July 20, 2012 at 11:10 am

    I want to be bigger than all this
    my visions go unfulfilled still
    i want my house clean:P. It’s not
    I want my body clean and happy. It’s still kind of not.
    i want to be totally debt free.
    i want to go to amazing places

    i’m scared i will always be romantically alone.

  450.  #451Daria on July 20, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Omg this overwhelm and icky walled off layer of protection does Bot feel good!

    So wat if I forget who u are I don’t know I and if u were insistent enough you would knoe me sp there


    I wrote it

    Now to believe it in a non violent way

    Translate to feel messages

    I feel nauseous thinking that I’m losing men

    I feel panicked and like im letting strangers in my house where I am not used to that

    I want to feel comfortable w that hospitality

    I want to feel nourished not drained

    That would feel like my alone safety


    How can I let a man in to my alone safety

  451.  #452Starla on July 20, 2012 at 11:16 am

    I feel like I let me and CF down by not being better emotionally
    I feel so confused because he let us down too
    I feel so abandoned
    I feel scared to let go and trust the universe
    I feel like I’ll never connect with anyone

    I want to go home and cry and snuggle under my covers and watch movies and just hide from the world

    and i miss smoking pot because that would cheer me right up, lol

  452.  #453Francesca on July 20, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Starla, I feel like puking too but not for the same reasons.

  453.  #454Starla on July 20, 2012 at 11:21 am

    I still feel like he’ll be back
    I don’t see much settling for less happening
    I dont’ know what’s going on with me
    I feel like really incapable of having a relationship with any of these other men who are interested in me
    And I also think it just might be because I’m not at all ready and not over the last one
    And I have so much to learn still on my own
    And I feel so alone

  454.  #455Daria on July 20, 2012 at 11:27 am

    This is the third man I’m talking to in the hour

    Oops after the convo I don’t feel good
    I feel dissapointed and unworthy and unskilled and

    Not getting what I want

    Not receiving cuz its coming but I don’t like it

    Hold on to his collar

    Beat myself up for it

    I love my thought pattern

    Mmmm. Love and healing I feel and share w my thought pattern

  455.  #456Daria on July 20, 2012 at 11:32 am

    I feel do left out Nd ‘hurt’

    How can people ignore me this way

    They are closed off to me

    Ouch that feels sad

    And also fun icy slippery

    I don’t have to try to get inside them

    I can Letem slip around me and we play that way


    Ice love

    Way Abt volcano love.

    I feel scared of volcano

    I feel drained by check check check

    I feel batty eyelid anxious

    I can tap for this I do t wana tap for this

    I feel so torqued


    Cat wants love

    I got up for cat

    I wana fuchk cat

    Well more like stuck my hands in it and eat it


    I have such an attraction to it

    And cuddlies

    That’s how I feel Abt myself too

  456.  #457Daria on July 20, 2012 at 11:34 am

    I love my squeeze it pull it feeling

  457.  #458Starla on July 20, 2012 at 11:39 am

    Maybe I should make my profile a bit more specific, so that it actually REDUCES the number of people who contact me.

  458.  #459siren song on July 20, 2012 at 11:39 am


    i feel similarly sometimes.

  459.  #460Daria on July 20, 2012 at 11:54 am

    actually Radlove – i want to be honest and say i felt very shocked and then ashamed and defensive when i read the wordsa bout not wanting to have lived like that or that it woulda felt awful or something

    i notice im feeling angry too

    i appreciate your care and also it feels … confusing and weird

    i feel good about my childhood it felt exciting and i believe humans are wise when born and my experience felt awesome and i want to feel seen and honored and i


    and i feel guilty and i feel judgemental and theres a lot of stuf fin here that i feel stifled by this culture thought pattern mentality that says

    that about me like my childhood wasnt bomb or like im not smart enough at 5 or like everyone else isnt eitehr and

    also yes i felt lonely and parents being out the house is stupid they fell for that okie doke

    im cutting off all ties iwth this crazy mind manipulation ‘society’ wtf is that

    Trees, valleys tell me

  460.  #461ReceivingGirl on July 20, 2012 at 11:54 am

    I don’t want to come across as a protective mother.

  461.  #462Starla on July 20, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    i want to cuss and kick and yell and curse CF

  462.  #463ReceivingGirl on July 20, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Yay…Mr. Observant is finally starting to stand up in this situation. I think he’s getting back to feeling more like himself.

  463.  #464Starla on July 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    eep, the shooter is my friend who is taking japanese with me’s coworker and they evacuated his job.

    today is not a good day

  464.  #465Pamelala on July 20, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    Wow, Starla, how scary that your friend worked with Holmes. I’m trying to be productive and get away from television coverage, but I keep getting pulled back in…just like I did with the fires…for some reason watching helps me feel more in control and less panicky and helpelss.

  465.  #466ReceivingGirl on July 20, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    (((Starla’s friend))) that is so hard. My friends had a friend who murdered his stepmom with a hammer to her head (he was schizophrenic and wasn’t being treated). It was a really difficult thing for them to come to terms with.

  466.  #467Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    OMG schizophrenic’s are capable of that?

  467.  #468Starla on July 20, 2012 at 12:21 pm


  468.  #469Daria on July 20, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    Defense is like saying

    Kill misanthropists!

  469.  #470ReceivingGirl on July 20, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    FW – Yes, when they are not being treated and think people are following them and are hearing voices telling them to do bad things. I feel bad for him too because he wouldn’t have done that if not for his illness. Now, he has to live with it. Her family does not blame him for it. It’s really sad.

  470.  #471Daria on July 20, 2012 at 12:31 pm


  471.  #472ReceivingGirl on July 20, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    I don’t think it’s a common occurrence though, but it can happen.

  472.  #473Daria on July 20, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    i feel soooo frustrated overwhelemed

    over hyper sensitivitized charge

  473.  #474ReceivingGirl on July 20, 2012 at 12:38 pm


  474.  #475Daria on July 20, 2012 at 12:41 pm


    i deserve to ignore men

    and focus on me

    and break dates at the last minute

    and even not show up sometime – gasp!

    and just do soooo much for me

    all the stuff i want


    and cooking

    and yUM

    ill be my dutiful assistant

    my get it done man

    that feels so sad

    to think of doing that

    i HATE doing thosethings

    i dont want to


    i want to do them for me

    buti HATE doing them

    a part of my being already knows how to resolve this conflict

    i spend a lot of energy getting back to people &&

  475.  #476Daria on July 20, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    thanks (((Receiving Girl)))

  476.  #477Ella on July 20, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Hi Francesca re 379

    Well I have posted one of me doing some tricks.

    But the one with the dancing I don’t feel ready to post yet. I will when I feel really good and polished with it…

    If you feel happy to share your Facebook name I can add you to my Twizted Angels Pole Fitness group which will allow you to watch the videos I post there.


  477.  #478ReceivingGirl on July 20, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    I read today that there are indications from some studies that show Vitamin D levels are low during a lupus flare. Mine are low and I am flaring. That’s interesting.

  478.  #479Starla on July 20, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    i just scheduled an appointment with a local healer for some tarot/cleansing work.

  479.  #480Daria on July 20, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    continuous low level of discontent

  480.  #481Starla on July 20, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    blah, POF sucks. lol

  481.  #482Miss Bells on July 20, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    Well–I had the convo I didn’t want to have. I told him I know everything. Used feeling messages. He said he felt like he was cheating on his wife. I said–Yes, even though you were never willing to marry me–that is what the energy is.
    I told him I feel disrespected and un-valued, and that we are not friends–That he has lost a 25 year friendship.
    But–we still have to get through the party next Saturday. 8 days—I don’t know how I can stand sitting here.

  482.  #483Miss Bells on July 20, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    I just could’t stand pretending anymore:(

  483.  #484Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Miss Bells if it were me I would now totally turn my attention, thinking and energy away from his behavior. Trust he already knew before you spoke up that he was being a _________ and is now feeling bad. Let his own internal guidance system now lead him while you turn your focus and attention on your current purpose which is being a graceful social butterfly with the huge world floating around you. I know it is hard but it will help change your vibe and energy and with leaning back. He must feel you ignoring him but enjoying your life. At least that is what I would do.

  484.  #485Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Perhaps the most popular nutritional supplement EVER is whey protein. Heck, you can even buy some of the worst, cheapest whey protein around conveniently at your local Wal-Mart. Now that’s when you KNOW it’s popular.

    But here’s the truth: Whey protein, even the “high quality” stuff that you’d pay an arm and a leg to obtain from your local Vitamin Shoppe or GNC, could very likely be stalling your fat loss progress and, even WORSE, causing you to GAIN weight.

    And if that wasn’t enough, here are the absolute WORST times to consume whey protein:

    1. During the day
    2. In the evening

    Scratching your head? Don’t: you understood it perfectly. Whey protein simply isn’t a great protein to consume at any time of day, and for specific reasons.

    1. Whey Protein Absorption – A review on the rate of protein absorption published in 2006 in the International Journal of Sport Nutrition and Exercise Metabolism reported that whey protein isolate absorbs at a rate of about 8g/hour. This is in large part due to the fact that whey is not broken down into small enough peptides by our body’s natural enzymes in time to be absorbed.

    Couple that with the fact that the window of opportunity for whey protein to be absorbed is 1.5 hours, your body at maximum will be able to absorb 12 grams of whey protein from a single serving.

    Kind of makes those 40g whey protein shakes seem foolish, doesn’t it? Well, that’s because they are.

    Simply put, whey protein passes through the system far too rapidly to be adequately absorbed, leaving the majority of your protein shake wasted…literally.

    2. Insulin Release Associated With Whey – Which of the two items below cause a greater spike in insulin?

    a) White Bread

    b) Whey Protein

    Well, as you can probably guess, if you chose the horrendous, high glycemic, void-of-all-nutrition white bread, you’d be 100%…WRONG.

    That’s right, a 2012 study published in Nutrition & Metabolism identified that the specific amino acids in whey protein stimulate beta cells to secrete more insulin than a similar amount of carbohydrate from white bread.

    In the presence of insulin, fat burning essentially stops.

    This makes a whey-protein-only supplement a big-time no-no for evening use, especially pre-bedtime when avoiding spikes in insulin are paramount as metabolism is already slowing down in preparation for its normal, much slower sleep rhythm.

    The truth is, whey protein simply isn’t an ideal protein to use at any other time other than immediately following exercise, and even then the amount you’re able to absorb on a per serving basis is extremely limited.

    To your health,

    Coach Josh

  485.  #486Femininewoman on July 20, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    It doesn’t really matter WHY you broke up . . . the fact is the relationship you had WASN’T WORKING and WASN’T MAKING YOU HAPPY.

    And trying to get that relationship “back” is kind of dumb.

    If you just go rushing back at a guy promising to “change” (or demanding that he change) you’re just going to fall back into the same toxic patterns that have you where you are now.

    So what do you do instead of trying to get your ex BACK?

    Well, you follow some very simple steps to start a
    NEW relationship with the same guy . . .

    The relationship you SHOULD have had in the first place . . .

    How do you do THAT?

    Well, we’ll talk about that tomorrow.

    But for now just take a deep breathe and admit he’s never coming “back.”


    Mike Fiore

    P.S. I’ve only cried 5 times in my adult life that I can think of.
    3 of them were at funerals. 2 of them were when I got dumped.
    So I totally feel where you’re coming from.

    More tomorrow

  486.  #487Starla on July 20, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    stupid cf
    i deserve better

  487.  #488bloom-ing on July 20, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    ((((((miss bells))))))

  488.  #489Miss Bells on July 20, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    yeah… he is IN BED at 1:30 in the afternoon.
    I was gonna ask what next, but maybe I know…
    I still don’t know whether to take the little cottage with the lack of proper cooking facilities, or just stay here for the time being, get a CAR, and start dating.
    I know he will come and talk to me about this some more–
    I am thinking of saying “look–you are right, we are not together anymore–why don’t you just enjoy the low hanging fruit you have associated yourself with and leave me be!
    too harsh? I already let him know that the only reason he is chasing what’s her name is that she conveniently was on his property to see her boyfriend the in the trailer in back.

  489.  #490Starla on July 20, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    FW, did michael fiore post the rest of that article?

  490.  #491Radlove on July 20, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    New Siren,

    426 – Thank you so much! I really appreciate your support and your feedback on which outfit! 🙂 Ok, that brown sequin outfit it shall be! 🙂

  491.  #492Miss Bells on July 20, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    If he wants to talk–do I allow it?

  492.  #493Radlove on July 20, 2012 at 2:02 pm


    459 – I feel at a loss to connect with you, and I don’t want to feel that way with you.

    You survived a tuff situation in a beautiful way.

    When I see a little girl, I would like to surround her with beauty and nurture and give her the joys and delights of a princess. Is that such a horrible thought? Because that is all I meant.

  493.  #494dd on July 20, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    Me personally I think if it gets bad enough it could be considered abuse.

  494.  #495Starla on July 20, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    what am i DOING? I just looked to see if CF was still on POF. He is. I didn’t click on his profile though. At least I had the good sense to stop there.


  495.  #496Miss Bells on July 20, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    The problem is–I still have the same feeling for him that I always did…
    But–no trust.
    I no Rori says that if there is basically something there almost ANYTHING can be turned around. How about this, and if so, how?
    I am focusing on myself, and the party prep.
    I am a butterfly.
    BUT–Things have gotten soooo bad here, and I can’t just go POOF! at least not immediately.
    It feels like dangerous terrain to me.
    He asked what he could do for me–and I said–just HEAR my feelings!!!

  496.  #497New Siren on July 20, 2012 at 2:27 pm


    No problem:)

    ((((Miss Bells)))))

  497.  #498Miss Bells on July 20, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    There are all these experts like Michael Fiori and T Dub that calim you can “get your ex back–even if he is dating someone else and you aren’t speaking.
    But i can’t do the no contact because I am in his house!!
    And I want him to get ME back anyhow–but at least now he knows if he DOES want me back there has to be ring…
    He says it will never happen. He has said the same thing 3 times before–and he ALWAYS came back. I don’t believe he has any control, any more than I do, really.

  498.  #499FlowerChild77 on July 20, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    Annie…I did not mean to make you angry with my comment. (It makes me feel better, sometimes, to know that whatever it was that made me feel bad wasn’t intentional. I shouldn’t assume others feel this way.)

  499.  #500Radlove on July 20, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    Miss Bells,

    If I were in your situation, I would feel like a crumb taker, like I was allowing myself to be treated second class. I would not want to stay in that situation. I have been in many circumstances in my life, and I have concluded that my emotional wellbeing is far more valuable than my financial wellbeing. Because my very life springs from my heart.

  500.  #501Starla on July 20, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Miss Bells,
    I don’t know about Michael Fiore’s program, but I bought T-dub’s, and it’s basically, send a letter agreeing with the breakup, go no contact for a month or two, then call them and be like “oh hey i saw this thing i thought would interest you” and then ask them for coffee a couple contacts after that.

    there ya go. that’ll be 30 bucks, thanks. lol

  501.  #502Jasmine on July 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    I feel deteriorated.

    I went out to eat with a friend of mine and I couldn’t help breaking down talking about A until she told me I’ve been emotionally abused. I feel so lost. I feel depressed.

  502.  #503Tam on July 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Ladieees!! I am back and I have a lot of wisdom!!!

    My friend who is married with a 2 year old toddler has the same issues as ALL OF US!!!!! YES!!!

    So she told me her husband has disconnected and they have a hard time communicating and being close.

    So I guess men and women are just wired differently!! I told her some of our wisdoms and she said she will try some Rori Raye tools!! 😉

    And just so you know, this is a really good guy, emotionally open and very sweet and caring, yet they have the same issues.

    I feel better knowing we are all having the same challenges and I feel less ‘weird’.

    ((((men)))) ((((women)))

  503.  #504Tam on July 20, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    Starla, forgive yourself, it is normal to be curious, I check up on MrU all the time, it is almost comforting for me now…
    cut yourself some slack gurl!

  504.  #505Jasmine on July 20, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    I need so much help.

  505.  #506Starla on July 20, 2012 at 3:23 pm


  506.  #507Miss Bells on July 20, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    498:At times, crumbs.
    BUT-we aren’t talking about trading a slightly higher financial level for putting up with BS here. I am still poor enough to get very sick living in actually scary situations because all I can afford is $400 a month and that is stretching it.
    It is this–or bone-crushing poverty, right now.
    In fact, I did leave last August and got extremely sick. I couldn’t find a place I could afford that had proper cooking facilities, nor can I go out–so I lived on Ramen for 6 months except when I was with him.
    If he were just some guy and I had an offer to live here for $400 it would be an extremely attractive place.

  507.  #508Miss Bells on July 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    I will say to him–I don’t want your crumbs…

  508.  #509siren song on July 20, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    Starla, yeah, i feel drawn to find guy who loves me on pof. I have to stop myself a lot.

  509.  #510Jasmine <