Is It So Bad To Want To Feel Good?

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10-6 love yourselfI’ve been reading all about Gwyneth – and all I can think is: How sad that thinking about this is how I’m spending my time and energy here on this beautiful planet.

And then I think – wow – whatever she’s thinking or feeling or saying, Gwyneth is determined to say that she’s focused on the beauty and not on the pain.  And this is “bad”?

For me, attitude is all.

Yes, everything needs to be seen and accepted.

And that’s where, for me, it ends.

It’s all about where we put our attention.

If we put it on attack and fear – that’s what we’ll see, that’s what we’ll feel, that’s what we give to others.

If we focus on fun, pleasure, happy, enjoy, appreciate, accept – that’s what will be around us more of the time.

The strength to accept unquestioningly what’s happening right now that might look and feel awful, and to see past it, to other things around that are beautiful – that’s the best part of our brains.

I was taught to fear first, enjoy last, and that didn’t work so well.

It’s my mission on this planet to love first, fear last.

This is how, for me, the fear is slowly, gently replaced with utter acceptance and peace.

Love, Rori

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132 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on March 31, 2014 at 8:14 am

    No it is not.



  2.  #2Veronica on March 31, 2014 at 8:26 am

    And attitude can be so alluring: )

    “For me, attitude is all.

    Yes, everything needs to be seen and accepted.

    And that’s where, for me, it ends.

    It’s all about where we put our attention.”

    YES! I’m willing to try this out.



  3.  #3Linda on March 31, 2014 at 8:59 am

    I Love this Rori.

    Just the phrase of uncoupling has been so interesting for me. It has caused a really good shift in my mindset.

    It is NOT a bad thing to want to feel good.

    I gave myself permission to feel good. There has been some unpleasant, unhappy things that has come my way but they are all a part of my journey to a place different than I was not a feel good place.

    I let go of a relationship that had lots of good elements in it… but it felt bad most of the time. I was beating myself up for it.. but its okay! I am not going to put up with bad to get a bit of good.

    I am making peace with where I am now. Its all going to be okay. I am looking for okay and I am finding it!



  4.  #4Shannon P. on March 31, 2014 at 9:03 am

    So, I have a question, not related to today’s post. :p

    I will say this, though. I’ve been feeling inexplicably really HAPPY the last couple days. Like deliriously happy! It’s fabulous!

    Anyway, something happened this weekend that makes me wonder something I’ve wondered before, but now obviously it’s for future relationship(s)…

    If a man does something for me that I think is fantastic, like over-the-moon wonderful… is it “leaning forward” to give him a big hug and lip lock him for it? Or is any physical contact me initiating?

    Thoughts?



  5.  #5Femininewoman on March 31, 2014 at 9:23 am

    Shannon how would feel “telling” him?

    “oooo I feel all happy and gushy so much that I feel like giving you a big hug and a huge juicy kiss, right on your lips”.



  6.  #6Helena Hart on March 31, 2014 at 9:59 am

    Shannon – 4 – Great question! I like to think of everything as an experiment.

    If you feel like giving a man a hug or a kiss in RESPONSE to something wonderful he did, you could try it and see how it feels. You could also try using feeling messages as Femininewoman suggested. You could try both and see how each one feels to you!

    The great thing is – if you’re feeling super confident, like a total goddess who could have any man she wanted, and you’re not at all attached to the outcome – you can do anything! It’s your VIBE that a man is picking up on.

    However, most of us are not always at that place. That’s why I suggest bringing it all back to “zero” and leaning back 100% of the time, until you “get it down” and really have the experience of a man’s energy coming towards you.

    You want to get really comfortable leaning back and RECEIVING from a man before you even think about leaning forward.

    Once you’re at place where you’re feeling super confident and secure, you can try experimenting with the Energy Exchange a little bit and see how it feels.

    Love, Helena



  7.  #7Daria on March 31, 2014 at 11:42 am

    yay!



  8.  #8Kyla on March 31, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    Mmm this post feels good, I like it 🙂

    Linda, I am having the same experience with the phrase uncoupling. I really like the word. It has shifted my perspective. I am also uncoupling from some of my old beliefs and routines that no longer serve me and it feels liberating to see it in the same way, a choice to let the old go and take the good with me as I move forward with a world of new options available to try on for size.



  9.  #9Rori Raye on March 31, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    Shannon – everyone’s on the money here – hugging and kissing a man for what he does is a RESPONSE – and that is totally “Siren-y”! And – it’s super, super cool to SPEAK the words, too – as FW so beautifully put…Love, Rori



  10.  #10Shannon P. on March 31, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    Thanks! I feel so much better with that cleared up. I’ve been feeling really good lately and some of that has sort of leaked into exuberance towards dates. And I was worried I was leaning forward even though I felt good and it just felt like fun to me.

    I try to keep pretty leaned back, but when I’m “bubbly”, it can be hard not to pounce when something a guy does is extra nice, lol.



  11.  #11Belle on March 31, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    I have a question too that’s unrelated to the post (and I love the post!). What do you do when there is mutual attraction between you and a close relative? This guy is my cousin (my mother’s nephew) and I was immediately attracted to him the first moment I met him (he came to the States 2 months ago). And I can feel his attraction for me too. He doesn’t live at my family’s house but he comes by every Sunday to use our computer since he doesn’t have one where he stays. If I’m downstairs when he comes by, he always calls my phone to ask me where I am. I really enjoy talking to him and he has a very masculine presence. He makes me laugh and I really like being around him; I feel open when I’m around him. I’ve already taken a stand that nothing is going to happen. He’s my cousin and that can’t happen. But I want to stay always open and warm to every man, family or not. What do I do in this circumstance when I can feel my attraction growing stronger? Do I stay open and warm and wait to see what happens? I can’t (and don’t want to) shut down. Also, I am 21 and he is 29.



  12.  #12Linda on March 31, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    It’s all about where we put our attention! YES!!

    Kyla… ditto here! It is so freeing isnt it?.

    Trading beauty for ashes!



  13.  #13Linda on March 31, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    ooops hit send too soon HA!

    as I was saying… trading beauty for ashes! It feels awful. How many times I have done this…. Settled for less than what I want.. stayed too long when my gut said go. Stuffed down something I should have said.

    Today my focus is…seeing beauty arise out of ashes!



  14.  #14Kyla on March 31, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    Ooh that feels beautiful, Linda!



  15.  #15Senior Lady Vibe on March 31, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    “I’ve been reading all about Gwyneth – and all I can think is: How sad that thinking about this is how I’m spending my time and energy here on this beautiful planet.
    And then I think – wow –…”

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/is-it-so-bad-to-want-to-feel-good/#comments

    Gwyneth who?



  16.  #16Kyla on March 31, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    The last 3 men that asked for first dates offered to pick me up and pay for the babysitter! I feel so cherished and in awe of the generosity being offered to me.



  17.  #17Violette on March 31, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    I feel stressed that M called me today. We had our second date last night and we have plans on Fri, and now he wants to start calling me every day? I feel a bit panicked as to how to respond.



  18.  #18Zia on March 31, 2014 at 8:40 pm

    Ello lovely ladies! Things are still ticking along well with “M”. He tells me all he wants is for me to be happy. He was fixing things around my house this weekend. He cares about me and calls me a beautiful princess. How does it get any better than this? 🙂



  19.  #19Veronica on March 31, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    Oooo healing is happening. Every time I want to respond to BM, something in me says ‘wait, not yet’ and then a new perspective, sometimes bad-feeling, sometimes good, emerges. It’s like I hit the healing super-current: I had so stop work so many times yesterday to write, to be present, to face the anguish – there were times where as painful as it felt, I still wanted to feel, explore, get out whatever this big heavy quiet thing was that was sitting in my body. It was so difficult, I was completely alone with this experience, I felt overwhelmed at times, wondering if I’d be able to handle this even. By evening, what had felt like heaviness and loss-pain in my chest had changed into a big aching glowing hole in my chest. I felt so scared, asking for God to please be with me. Yesterday felt like I could have lost my sanity with all the intense feelings and the rapidly changing healing going on.

    And now it’s not about contact/non-contact. That changed into a feeling of being shoved into a kind of interaction that was grating on who I was and what I wanted for myself. I realised that this was not a new experience regarding me and BM. I simply did not fit in – I remember how unfair I thought his frustration with me was, how I didn’t quite feel free and a welcoming celebration of ME. It was as though I was trying to get into this exclusive club and failing. And sometimes being me felt forced.

    When I read BM’s reply, I felt a shock of ‘wow, he really doesn’t know what I need, really doesn’t know me’. And it was quite a shock because now I have this realisation that what was love doesn’t exist there with him anymore, that I haven’t ‘lost’ my opportunity for love, my love place is no longer with him. How liberating!



  20.  #20Rori Raye on March 31, 2014 at 10:14 pm

    Belle – First off – I looked this up: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin_marriage_law_in_the_United_States_by_state. First cousin marriages are allowed in many, many states, and there is no criminal issue in most. I’d sit down with him and ask him what he thinks. Also – you’re very, very young – and you should be out there Circular Dating! Love, Rori



  21.  #21Syreena on April 1, 2014 at 12:35 am

    I don’t understand the post it feels too ambiguous and vague for me to understand.

    For to fully understand I would need specific direct examples of what was mean’t and how this worked.



  22.  #22Megan on April 1, 2014 at 1:07 am

    OK ladies,

    with a man I am currently seeing (and CDing),
    I use feeling messages but most often I get
    “it’s normal”
    in response to whatever the trigger was for me.
    I, of course, take this as I am “not normal”, the problem is me, every argument is for me.

    I am really getting into The Power of Now recently,
    and his chapter on relationships has really got my wheels turning.

    I try to avoid being “right”, accusation or blame at all costs. But I’m finding it hard to explain why I feel hurt when everything he does or doesn’t do is “normal” to him.
    He is Italian by the way, and I, American, so our cultures are different.

    To me it feels like he has stopped almost effort for me. We argue a lot. I hate it and am now questioning,
    are we just too different for it to work?
    How do seemingly opposite couples work out?

    confused, frustrated, sad



  23.  #23Femininewoman on April 1, 2014 at 4:29 am

    Megan this is what jumped out at me:_

    “I feel hurt when everything he does or doesn’t do is”

    If “everything” makes you feel hurt it tells me you are either not a match or you are focussed on trying to change him by making him wrong. It suggests he can’t get anything right by you. Also can you elaborate on “feel hurt”?

    If he has stopped his efforts it tells me his attraction level has dropped. If you are arguing all the time he can’t feel attraction. If you don’t want to argue why not then ask yourself “why am I arguing”? How about saying “I don’t want to fight with you” one of the times and just walking away?



  24.  #24Syreena on April 1, 2014 at 6:26 am

    What specific things does he do that make you feel hurt Megan?



  25.  #25Syreena on April 1, 2014 at 6:27 am

    What is ‘normal’ for him that you don’t like?



  26.  #26Dominique on April 1, 2014 at 7:07 am

    Megan – 22 – If things feel so awful with him, why are you still there? There’s no need to explain anything. You feel what you feel. And this would be normal for you. You could try repeating how you feel without the explanation.

    Your best chance for feeling better though whether with him or without is to redirect, shift your focus back to you, fill your life with activities that inspire your passions or at least make you feel good, people who make you smile, warm you up. Try awakening your senses even more, i.e your sensuality, and by this I mean paying attention to how things feel under your fingertips, aromas, tastes, smells. visuals. Take it all in. Allow them to fill you up.

    He will come around, or he won’t.

    Here are a couple of articles which may help you.

    http://sexandheart.com/starting-over/

    xxoo



  27.  #27Dominique on April 1, 2014 at 7:07 am


  28.  #28Kyla on April 1, 2014 at 7:36 am

    Ooh Dominique I love playing with expanding my senses. I feel alive and tingly all over when I indulge in experiencing them fully. I am able to shift my thoughts and mood so fast between that and simply breathing slowly and consciously. Great reminder!



  29.  #29Megan on April 1, 2014 at 8:26 am

    FW-

    while I’ve been thinking of this, the “everything” jumped out at me too.

    All of our arguments do start with me feeling hurt, to elaborate on hurt,
    I feel neglected, ignored, taken for granted, just plain not thought of, not a priority.

    what’s confusing me now is- are these all stories I’m making up because his actions don’t match my expectations
    when maybe the way he’s acting is acceptable & indeed “normal” to him
    he’s been in 2 long term relationships so he is capable of relationship…
    when we finally are able to discuss exactly what made me feel neglected, he says “what’s the problem?”
    e.g. after work (we work together) he goes outside to smoke and talk with his friends in Italian. he doesn’t come to sit beside me until 20-25 mins later and even then isn’t striking up a convo but sitting near me.
    I have told him before, I like to see him for at least 2-3 mins at the end of our shift, to see how his day went, just to say something, hello…
    this is the type of thing that makes me feel unimportant.
    he doesn’t see the issue with this at all. he says “we have the whole night to talk”
    I trust him so I don’t think he’s making excuses, he honestly doesn’t get it?



  30.  #30Megan on April 1, 2014 at 8:37 am

    the bad thing is,
    he is the one trying to stop arguing and walking away and I feel so painful and confused, I’m just yearning for reassurance from him, just say something, anything, to make what I’m thinking wrong, to make me feel better.

    after reading The Power of Now this screams to me of an addiction to try and cover up some pre-existing pain. when we argue this pain has been triggered and I am using him to cover it up, to make it better.

    he is still attracted to me though, I tell him, I’m afraid you’ve lost interest, you’re bored, etc and he reassures me and tells me not to worry.

    Dominique thank you for the advice and for the articles. He is not going anywhere, he really likes me. we both agree that we want to stop the arguing and he has made effort to stop previous arguments from recurring, e.g. jealousy issues on my part.

    the thing is I *don’t* want to change him. He’s become more relaxed with me, I just want some more personal attention and he is very group and friend-oriented it seems.
    I don’t know the limits of compromise…
    I feel very confused around all of this, esp after The Power of Now. it speaks all about acceptance with non-judgement. but is it ok to communicate what makes you feel loved and expect your partner to try to meet at least some of those behaviors?

    when does compromise become trying to change them from who they are?

    what makes a good match and what doesn’t?
    my uncle was completely in love with my aunt and she was a strong Christian & he an atheist.

    thank you for al the feedback. I really like this guy and my head is spinning with all the theories I’ve encountered trying to stop the arguing



  31.  #31Femininewoman on April 1, 2014 at 8:41 am

    “striking up a convo but sitting near me.” Megan silence is normal sometimes and Rori does encourage us to sit with the discomfort that silence can bring.

    Did you consider that the fact that you work “together” might be the reason that sometimes he need a break to connect with someone else’s energy? In the workspace he gets a lot of yours already.

    I dunno Megan some of your words are coming across to me with a bit of a demanding energy.



  32.  #32Femininewoman on April 1, 2014 at 8:46 am

    It seems to me Megan that maybe it would help to get other things going on in your life aside from the relationship and your work. Think of yourself as an individual with an individual life. What else can you build in your life to fill this void that it seems you want him to fill?

    It will help him to crave the together time when you are out living. It seems to me that quality time is important for you to feel really loved and I am thinking you have to find a way to share this with him without the arguing. Have you got any of Rori’s programs?



  33.  #33Femininewoman on April 1, 2014 at 8:48 am

    If he really does spend the whole night talking with you, if I were you I would try to focus my attention on appreciating this.



  34.  #34Dominique on April 1, 2014 at 8:58 am

    Megan – Instead of having your focus on what you don’t like in this relationships, how about putting all of your energy into what you do like. And TELL HIM when he does things which feel good. When he does come sit with you, or when he does take some time to catch up with you, let him know how much you love this, how good it makes you feel.

    Here’s something on expectations which might shift your thinking and help enrich your feelings around him.

    http://sexandheart.com/what-can-you-expect-from-your-man/

    xxoo



  35.  #35Veronica on April 1, 2014 at 9:53 am

    Megan,

    Does he talk with his friends after work as a way of finishing up all social stuff before he completely focuses on being with you? Is this a way for him to change ‘being at work with Megan mode’ into ‘being as adoring as I can be with Megan mode’? If it were me I would spend that 20-25 minutes he spends talking, doing my freshening up, daydreaming, reading, getting all goddessy in myself, etc. I would love for a man I’m with to want to spend all evening talking to me – I’ve never had that (2 phone calls a week and weekends together).



  36.  #36Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2014 at 10:44 am

    Re: my comment @#15

    Is there any news on who “Gwyneth” is? I don’t read the blog everyday but I’d like to understand what Rori’s blog post is about.

    I don’t know what this means==> “I’ve been reading all about Gwyneth.”

    SLV
    xoxo



  37.  #37CurvySiren10 on April 1, 2014 at 10:57 am

    SLV re: 36 Gwyneth Paltrow. An actress who recently separated from her rock star (Chris Martin) husband and announced they were “conscious uncoupling” in the media.



  38.  #38Amazed on April 1, 2014 at 11:00 am

    SLV: Gwyneth is the actress Gwyneth Paltrow. She is getting a divorce.



  39.  #39Amazed on April 1, 2014 at 11:02 am

    Yes conscious uncoupling was the term that was used instead of divorce. Apparently they are still going to be living under the same roof though and co-parenting.



  40.  #40Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    @CurvySiren10 @Amazed

    Thanks for filling me in. I thought the Gwyneth mentioned might be someone on Rori blog with a story on an earlier thread.

    So… I guess what Rori posted applies to me: “How sad that thinking about this is how I’m spending my time and energy here on this beautiful planet.”

    I think Rori meant this in joking way (I like celeb stories too!) but I truly hadn’t spent ANY energy on that particular story… LOL 😆

    SLV
    xoxo



  41.  #41T. Bradley on April 1, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    Rori,
    What do you do when you give a guy a second chance. He walks out because of his ex, dont say anything to you for about 3 months and finally calls, you let him back in your life and things are fine until the ex calls him again and then it goes downhill. Gave him a second chance and this time its much better because she leaves and goes back to a different state and now she’s at him again because he was trying to move on. He begged me back and now he’s acting crazy again, changed his number!



  42.  #42Kyla on April 1, 2014 at 1:22 pm

    T.Bradley – I’d drop any man that changed his number on me like a hot coal. I’d drop kick any man allowing his ex to run his life out my door. He has shown you he doesn’t deserve your time or energy. Unless you crave this kind of drama in relationship (not me but I know some people do) you need to ask yourself why are you there and what are you getting out of it? I think its awesome you gave it a second chance but now I think you have enough information to know what kind of relationship he’s offering you. If that’s not what you want then you have the opportunity to flip it to get really clear on what you do want and start cding.



  43.  #43T. Bradley on April 1, 2014 at 1:44 pm

    Kyla-42,
    I know what i need to do , but im not ready to start cding. I dont think of him as much as I use to, but of course the feelings are still there!!! She is much older but she tells him when to jump and how high to jump!



  44.  #44Femininewoman on April 1, 2014 at 1:45 pm

    It is a reason why he changed his number and I would respect that reason by not even trying to find out what the reason is or getting the new number.



  45.  #45Liquid Light on April 1, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    I just got back from a lunch date. OMG so awkward. Lots of silences, it just didn’t flow, little in common. I’m burned out, exhausted. Really bad insomnia and felt like a zombie. Nice guy but seems pointless to get together again. Had another date last night. I felt like I was out with a girlfriend. Just got no sexual vibe from him at all, very fem energy. So two really weird uncomfortable dates in a row. I need a break.



  46.  #46Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    @41: T. Bradley says:
    “Rori,
    What do you do,…”

    You might like to read one of my favorite blog posts by Rori:

    DON’T LET GO, DON’T RESOLVE, FORGET CLOSURE AND STAY ON YOUR HORSE.
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/marriage/dont-let-go-dont-resolve-forget-closure-and-stay-on-your-horse/

    SLV
    xoxo



  47.  #47Cris on April 1, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    Thank you Rori! I love your last sentence!



  48.  #48Belle on April 1, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    Thank you Rori. Yea that feels like something I can do. And I haven’t forgotten about Circular Dating. I am definitely still doing that 😀 Thank you!



  49.  #49Amazed on April 1, 2014 at 5:11 pm

    @ T . Bradley: I had someone do that to me..not with an ex but just stop communicating because his depressed brother was visiting from overseas. He texted me a month later and said hi..my brother is gone now. So I gave him a second chance..we decided to be more friends with benefits but we were in touch numerous times a day everyday and he initiated the conversations. Anyway a few months later…radio silence once again. It drove me crazy so I had to find out why..apparently busy studying?? Lame and unbelievable. NO MORE CHANCES. Back on my horse I went (should have never gotten off) and am now in a relationship with someone who thinks I’m awesome…lol so maybe it was the universe making space for the right man.



  50.  #50Amazed on April 1, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    But I do admit..I felt hurt and abandoned. I still don’t understand but it’s not my business to find out what’s going on. That is one of the biggest and best things that Rori has taught me..and I feel so much more in control of myself. 🙂



  51.  #51prplpsn28 on April 1, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    I like this: It’s all about where we put our attention.

    If we put it on attack and fear – that’s what we’ll see, that’s what we’ll feel, that’s what we give to others.

    If we focus on fun, pleasure, happy, enjoy, appreciate, accept – that’s what will be around us more of the time.

    like this:



  52.  #52Violette on April 1, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    Ugh, it feels so suffocating when men want to move quickly with me. I have very little experience with this, and not much success in handling yet. What I really want to do is wait until I feel like responding, let him wait. He called the day after the second date, then texted again today to see if we are still on for Fri. Why wouldn’t we be? It feels like he needs me to reassure him and it turns me off. Plus I don’t find him very attractive, he’s nice though and it was a pleasure to go out with him, so I’ll go out again.

    Maybe I’ll text that to him tomorrow. Yes for Fri and I’d prefer not to communicate between dates yet…take it slower. I don’t like to text but I feel too nervous to call him and say it.



  53.  #53Violette on April 1, 2014 at 7:13 pm

    Maybe it’s ok to do things exactly at my comfort level, and not worry too much about consistency.



  54.  #54Violette on April 1, 2014 at 7:21 pm

    Oh heck, I’ll call him back tomorrow and let him know what I feel. What’s the big deal, maybe that’s what he’s for, to help me just say stuff to people. I mean, the stakes are low anyway! Now I am looking forward to it in a way.



  55.  #55Turquoise on April 1, 2014 at 8:18 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    Sweethearts funeral was yesterday. I feel very sad, and somewhat blue… but I know it’s situational, and time will help. I’m using a lot of boy energy to keep busy, because otherwise, I would feel just fine staying in bed for hours or sitting in front of the TV watching sad movies. I went back to work today. It was sad on the way, while there, and on the way home… because we often talked in the car and texted during the day. I realized I need a new normal, so I blasted the radio and sang… thinking you can’t cry and sing, but the emotions in the songs… came through in my voice and I got choked up a few times. I didn’t know I had so many tears. On the outside, I’m grieving more than some people who were very very close to him, but I don’t pretend to know how they feel on the inside. My outside usually matches my inside pretty closely.

    I’m really throwing myself into my Gold Canyon Candle/Fragrance business. I took a few days off work, need the money… and want this to feel successful. I was really happy to connect with a highly ranked and recognized consultant from Canada on Facebook. She called tonight and gave me a wealth of knowledge. It feels good to do something, to get my mind off of what happened… and move forward.

    If anyone would like to check out my website, please click on my name. I had a party Sunday…. was feeling sad, but got through it pretty well. I sold $600 worth of candles in 2 hours. And I wasn’t at my best. I feel pretty confident that I can be great at this. It feels good to feel sure of something again.



  56.  #56Kyla on April 1, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    Just back from an awesome first date. I felt comfortable and fun and easy tonight and he was so entertaining I laughed all evening. I wasn’t sure what to think when I left but was okay with that, I was feeling happy and thinking I’m ok with the dating thing again. Then he text 10 minutes after we said goodnight to ask me out again and tell me I’m stunning and he felt so nervous and he’s sorry for rambling but I made him feel excited! Lol

    The whole date I was feeling good and noticing all the things about him that I liked and how I felt sitting there with him smiling at me but I wasn’t thinking OMG maybe he’s the one.. I was thinking how cool it is that I’m attracting men that fit my particular brand of awesome, my personal turn-ons, my idea of perfect.



  57.  #57Millie on April 1, 2014 at 9:24 pm

    Violette, he’s probably just excited he met an amazing woman like you!!! If it’s feels smothering maybe let him know that your busy at work during the day and the best time to contact you is in the evening. At least then he won’t be blowing up your phone 😉



  58.  #58Millie on April 1, 2014 at 9:30 pm

    I feel amazing! I feel like life has turned a corner. All of a sudden I feel desired and included by others. I feel like my company is wanted. It’s all I really wanted to feel actually. I’m going to Vegas with this new friend I made and the crowd who I felt insecure with is suddenly including me! I don’t know what shifted but I’m loving it. Mechanic reached out to me today to tell me something that reminded him of me! The conversation was a bit awkward. Afterwards I thought of things I wish I said, but instead of beating myself up I thought, well now I have a better response next time it happens. And I let it go! It feels good to know what is do different and grow from that! Instead of dwelling. After all… There will be others !



  59.  #59Millie on April 1, 2014 at 9:31 pm

    Shannon–I say kiss away!! Its definitely a response!



  60.  #60Megan on April 1, 2014 at 9:41 pm

    thank you for all the feedback ladies!!
    I’m feeling loved 🙂 ((((hugs))))

    FW – I can agree with you with the needing more of an individual life and with the demanding energy…
    that is how I have felt about me…
    am I being too demanding?
    some of the things have seemed so obvious to me though that I don’t feel demanding….maybe the talking after work is not the best example

    we do work together, although I work upstairs a lot and he hardly sees me. we work at a restaurant and I am a waitress and he the bar man so still interaction is minimal…

    all of your suggestions, Dominique I like that idea, I was sure to shower him with praise after 1 particular argument and I could see his effort to step up…
    the prob is, he seems to “forget” soon afterwards

    for ex, we were texting one AM before we both went into work, i explained, I miss my alone time with you, I get irritated when I don’t have my Sabi, when we finish tonight would you want to sit outside with me so we can talk?
    his response: yesssssss

    that same night he’s outside talking to his friends.

    my ex was very big into personal attn, looking back, I was showered with attention.
    now I know this is important to me.

    Veronica those are def good points to keep in mind…a sort of de-compressing from the day. he goes into his phone & plays this game quite a bit recently. he’s working 6 days a week, mostly double shifts. Today is his day off and he has asked to see me 🙂 I am stepping back, monitoring my reactions, & trying not to take everything so personally…

    thank you ladies



  61.  #61Indigo on April 1, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    I feel this pressing need on my heart to resign my job.

    I feel as if things are coming to a head in my life, and I can’t move forward whilst I’m carrying this stuck, “wishing” energy.

    Things feel harsh, noisy and “too much” of late. I feel like I need softness, kindness, beauty, calmness, otherwise I won’t survive.

    My job is totally wrong for me, and it’s making me tense and sick, and I have these great ideas for what I’d like to do and a business I’d like to run.

    I’m in a new relationship and feeling my way through that… he’s cute and kind and completely there for me. My feelings for D are as messy as ever, and I really, really wish they were easy and felt at least a little bit peaceful… but they don’t, they feel harsh and messy and guilty and like a huge burden and inconvenience because of the conflicted way he feels about me. It’s so draining. I keep trying to force a sense of what feels normal to me onto our friendship and he is having none of it. He is trying to force his own sense of normality onto it and for me that has always felt weird and incongruous. I need to respect that and his space and his rights.

    But it feels so confusing. He says he likes me and cares very much about me and wants me in his life – yet we are neither friends nor partners. His version of me in his life is skyping me once a week and getting together for lunch once in a while. I know I need to accept that, but I can confide in you beautiful sirens that the thought of it has been driving me somewhat crazy.

    There’s a truthful, authentic part of me that is just going, “what the hell IS that? and why are so many people lying to each other about what is really going on?” It’s like they look at you like you are the crazy one, and you feel like you are the only one who knows the truth.

    Anyway.

    I need to somehow find it within me to focus on this new relationship and on making plans to change my line of work and start my business.

    I wish the things in my heart – which I deeply love and which I think are so beautiful – didn’t feel so difficult out here in the world.

    🙁



  62.  #62Megan on April 1, 2014 at 10:04 pm

    Oohh Dominique!

    I just read your article on expectations. Wow.
    I bookmarked it square in the middle of my bookmark bar.

    You are lovely indeed. Many thanks
    ((( hugs)))



  63.  #63Megan on April 1, 2014 at 10:08 pm

    ” As long as I have the idea in my head “I have a relationship” or “I am in a relationship,” no matter with whom, I suffer. This I have learnt.

    With the concept of “relationship” come expectations, memories of past relationships, and further personally and culturally conditioned mental concepts of what a “relationship” should be like. Then I would try to make reality conform to these concepts. And it never does. And again I suffer.

    The fact of the matter is: there are no relationships. There is only the present moment, and in the moment there is only relating.

    How we relate, or rather how well we love, depends on how empty we are of ideas, concepts, expectations. “



  64.  #64Veronica on April 1, 2014 at 11:59 pm

    Indigo : ) I’m so glad to hear/see you here. I was thinking about you the other day. I wanted to tell you that if you do take a trip to Joburg that there’s a place called the Design Quarter in Fourways – lots of design companies and stores all in one place PLUS they have a bar/club there to hang out at after hours. I was thinking that it would be so good for your spirit to be amongst so many like-minded creative people and to explore this passion of yours. I know for me that when I’m around creative people, my energy starts buzzing.

    I can so relate to the weirdness with D – I’ve been so stuck in that with BM. It’s almost like a frenzied state fuelled by vagueness for me. Hugs to you!



  65.  #65Syreena on April 2, 2014 at 2:06 am

    I believe you are right Rori and Gwyneth is best to now focus on being smart and working on the future and what is going to feel good and best for the future.

    I don’t want to just speak in feeling messages on this issue. It’s just not me. I’m not just a feeling being. I am a mixture a whole person. And yes I start with the feelings but my end decisions are going to based on my brain. What is in my highest good and my families highest good.

    If I was Gywnths position and Chris had walked out which apparently he did and now ‘they’ have decided on a ‘conscious’ uncoupling. For me personally I don’t buy that media speak. I would most likely also give the same media speak in public.

    In private I would be saying however, there is the door if you don’t want to stick around and do what is best for all the family and not just yourself. We are better of without you if that’s what you want by then. I would also knowing what I know now do everything in my power to help my kids not end up with Mummy and Daddy abandonment and engulfment issues and be thinking right how the fffffcckkkkk I am going to do this then. Also would be letting him know that his daughter is now going to be at high risk of being one of those girls with Daddy abandonment issues as reality is if he walks out the door, he isn’t really staying around for here his other child or me and he has decided to jump ship and abandon. Flower and dress it up all anyone likes. It is what it is though. Better of without him anyway if that is now what he want to do.

    I



  66.  #66Linda on April 2, 2014 at 4:24 am

    Indigo. Recently I have given myself wholehearted permission to disallow things in my life that do not “fit”. For example my last relationship had lots of great elements in it. Things I have always wanted I might add. It also brought with it many many things that felt bad and did not serve me well in any way shape or form. No matter what adjustments, allowances, personal inner work I did… it still did not fit. The good things I enjoyed started to not feel so good and I it all just wore me out. I was so drained!… I simply had to walk away period.

    It does not matter how feels.. what his version of relationship is. What really matters is… what is right for you and what feeds and brings life to you.

    (hugs)



  67.  #67Dominique on April 2, 2014 at 5:39 am

    Megan – 🙂

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  68.  #68Megan on April 2, 2014 at 5:39 am

    OK….here’s a fresh example of a potential argument which has got me spinning as we speak…

    I was just at the library focusing on something I really need to get done when I received a text from him –
    “what are you doing?”

    it took me 10 mins to see the text and I responded.

    he responds back 25 mins later with a smile and then nothing.

    I respond 20 mins later…is that the end of the conversation?

    this could go on for a couple hrs or more until it’s a semi-meaningful convo with a beginning and end.

    this drives me nuts. it just doesn’t make sense. why start a convo if you don’t want/dont have the time to finish it? is it rude?? it keeps me hanging and I had a hard time focusing on my work.

    I fought my urge to react and wrote back:
    “I feel anxious when you don’t respond. i don’t want to wait all night to have a conversation. i feel confused when I don’t know whats going on or what you mean.”

    his English is beginner. he doesn’t have a great vocab and I know he google translates (with the app on his phone) every message I send just about.

    Now I am judging my judgement of this texting “issue”. I’m trying to figure out why it infuriates me…
    it’s not just occassionally with him, it’s too often.

    I guess it’s infuriating because it feels like there is no thought to me – to respond to me, to know what I have to say, to finish the conversation or let them know why you started it in the 1st place.

    it keeps me hanging and I don’t like that.

    Am I being too demanding??



  69.  #69Emerson on April 2, 2014 at 6:04 am

    I like how rori says to circular date everyone even myself!
    I feel inspired to be more mindful of my schedule and allow for exercise and cooking. I feel excited about this!



  70.  #70Emerson on April 2, 2014 at 6:09 am

    I deleted my online profile yesterday and I need a break from online dating. So many of the guys on there don’t seem real….they are just browsing?.?.? No real action or asking me out and if they do they sometimes don’t follow thru and I don’t want to spend time thinking about it.
    I prefer to cd in coffee shops and maybe happy hour!
    Even the grocery store. I need to practice five second smile.



  71.  #71Emerson on April 2, 2014 at 6:10 am

    Hi slv! 🙂



  72.  #72Femininewoman on April 2, 2014 at 6:31 am

    Megan did you read the article SLV reposted about Forget Closure? It seems you are expecting things to be tied up a certain way in a pretty little box with a bow on it. He knows you have a life. Do you know he has one? How about just focusing on responding when he reaches out as opposed to expecting a response when you answer. Just answer and let it go. Or maybe try to keep your interactions as phone conversations rather that texting. Sometimes even turn off your phone so you can focus on your life. You are not tied to him at the hip so you don’t have to respond immediately. There is no urgency. Look at yourself first for ways to change the dynamic is what I am thinking.



  73.  #73Megan on April 2, 2014 at 7:16 am

    thanks FW.

    Is it really only me that finds this annoying or even rude?

    I create stories in my head to explain it….
    he’s obviously not interested in what I have to say…

    you wouldn’t ask someone a question face-to-face and then walk off once they’ve responded.
    is it not normal to expect some sort of closure in conversation? or at least a purpose to it besides just what are you doing?
    why do you want to know?

    I feel all sort of tension over this.
    perhaps it’s because last night he made mention of seeing me tomorrow which prob made me anxious to hear from him and for him to ask to see me.

    now I feel let-down that he asked if he would see me and made no real action for it aside from this text at 6:30pm, when he was already with his friend.

    I feel like bringing this up to him as well but am terrified of starting to nag.
    It feels like I can’t get excited or take anything seriously and basically expect nothing.



  74.  #74Shannon P. on April 2, 2014 at 7:24 am

    So, Megan, this is kind of a normal thing for texting. If it feels so awful to you, the best choice might be to tell him that texting feels bad to you. That you really, really love to hear his voice, that you love it when he calls you… And that texting in general is a turn off for you. It doesn’t feel like conversation to you.

    See, remember that we’re trying to make this about us. Trying to pinpoint how *I* feel about texting, versus tell him what I think of HIS texting behavior. We don’t want to make them wrong. They’re not technically wrong, they’re just being themselves and doing what they’ve always done…

    The way to change the behavior WITH YOU is to tell him how you feel about texting. Not to tell him that he’s doing it wrong. He’s doing it how he does it… that’s rather the long and short of it. So how do you FEEL about it? You feel disconnected, you feel like it’s not a real conversation, you feel turned off. That’s how you feel–and that’s not wrong, either!!

    Whether anyone else feels the same way isn’t the point. This is your relationship, not ours.

    Now, when he says that he wants to see you, here’s an option for the future:

    “Oh, I feel so wonderful that you asked! That would feel fabulous. I always feel best when I know what time and where ahead of time. I feel very secure when I have a concrete time set up. What do you think?”

    He CAN wiggle his way out of giving you a time frame, but if he does, then you know what he thinks of how you really feel… and maybe it’s time to “friend list” him if he doesn’t step up and be manly.

    Don’t make him wrong, just acknowledge that it certainly looks like he’s wrong FOR YOU. That’s okay… there are billions of men out there. There are many that want to make a woman happy, so… you know.

    He can step up or not step up. He can offer a concrete time and help you feel secure and certain… or he can keep leaving things up in the air and go on your friend-only list. He gets to choose what he does–you get to choose what you do with what he does.



  75.  #75Megan on April 2, 2014 at 7:26 am

    FW I feel a bit confused about the mention of the article…
    I thought the blog was about closure after a break-up.

    I’m just wanting a conversation, rather than snip-its

    I don’t mean to sound harsh or sarcastic at all towards you, I just feel the scale and scope of the 2 are completely different ((hugs))



  76.  #76Megan on April 2, 2014 at 7:33 am

    thank you Shannon….

    I needed those reminders. I have overwhelmed myself lately.
    I feel that he is manly in many ways but in some ways just doesn’t act it. For ex, one night we were out and co-worker of ours came up to me and asked if I’d like a beer. He was being flirty and I could have backed down but he did buy me a beer, something which my guy didn’t do, and I wanted to trigger his competitive nature to step up and claim me.
    He didn’t. and I felt upset about that.

    Later we talked about it and he asked why i didn’t approach him. he’s mentioned me not approaching him before. and sometimes he says he won’t text to see if I will.
    I explained to him I’m the woman and you’re the man, I believe it’s the man’s job to approach.
    He doesn’t get this 🙁
    but saying that, he is not a feminine energy, rather just seems to need prodding to step up and play the part.



  77.  #77Kyla on April 2, 2014 at 7:33 am

    Megan, it feels really good to me when a man checks in just because he’s thinking of me. It doesn’t have to be a conversation. His smiley response to my answer would be enough for me, especially if I was focused on other things. I would feel really good knowing he was thinking of me and happy that I’d shared with him and then put my phone away to get back to whatever I was doing.

    You asked twice if you are demanding. I get the feeling that when you get these triggers there are feelings of insecurity coming up for you that you look to him for reassurance. When his actions don’t match your expectations that is where the frustration comes in. If it were me I would not argue with him but try to work back from the frustration and drop the focus from him, sink into my deepest feeling and breathe and explore that feeling. It might break the cycle and shift things for you.

    You could also share with him that you are feeling needy or insecure and ask him if he can help you with that. That would be authentic, non-blaming and give him an opportunity to be your hero rather than your antagonist.



  78.  #78Shannon P. on April 2, 2014 at 7:46 am

    Megan,

    I wonder how positive your responses are when he does things? It sounds like he texts you, and you just feel irritated, not happy.

    With men, we want to be super responsive. We want super positive responses when they TRY. Remember this… sometimes they’re going to try to please us in ways that feel inadequate to us.

    For example, your guy TRIED to please you. He reached out to you with a text. And you were just irritated…

    Can you start to see when he does reach out to you, and be SUPER responsive, even gushy? Even if it isn’t necessarily what you EXPECTED, can you start to see how he TRIED?

    That’s one of the things that’s most important about Rori’s teachings and so easy to miss… we have to let them be manly… we have to appreciate their efforts.

    If I come home and the man has cleaned the floor and it’s streaky and it’s still wet… can I be grateful that he tried SO hard to please me? Can I even live with a wet floor for a couple hours, a dirty floor for a day… just to show gratitude? Can I do that, really?

    He IS reaching out to you… and it sounds to me like he wants more responsiveness from you. More gushing, more bubbling. He texts you, which is manspeak for “Hey, I was thinking about YOU!”

    Okay, so it’s not what you wanted. You wanted his undivided attention for a bit while the two of you texted back and forth… but he doesn’t KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. He’s doing his best. Can you see that?

    And his complaint that you don’t initiate could be alleviated if you’d go a little overboard with gushing when he pleases you. And even be sweet when he TRIES to please you… but also honest about the other feelings, too…

    “Oh gosh, I feel so wonderful that you’re thinking about me! I am so grateful that you reached out to me! I also feel a little annoyed.” “Well, why are you annoyed? What’s going on?” “I absolutely love it when you reach out to me, but I find texting to be so impersonal. I just love hearing your beautiful, rich voice, it feels so much more personal and intimate to me. What do you think?”

    We have to be willing to let our man lead. If we want him to be manly, we have to reward him for it with some over-the-top kudos of whatever form or sort. There has to be a reward in it for him besides, “Seriously? You texted me only to ignore me for the next 20 minutes? WTF?” Now he feels like, “you’re right–why did I bother at all?!”

    So it’s good to let your true feelings be known. But it’s also super important to be very appreciative and admiring of the fact that AT LEAST HE IS TRYING.

    Let us remember that we’re not just out to feel loved… we must give love IN RESPONSE, as well. Because while we must be selective, we must also practice appreciation, because it is our appreciation that bathes him in joy. It is our response to him that lets him take pleasure in our pleasure…

    But our response to him can also bruise and wound if we forget to let our pleasure come together with our moments of “that wasn’t what I wanted”.

    It’s okay to not want to be texted. It’s important to remember that, when you say you don’t want to be texted–or have it be less, you also don’t want him to feel discouraged from trying to please you. That will ruin his attraction very quickly.



  79.  #79Shannon P. on April 2, 2014 at 7:58 am

    Anyway, Millie…

    I just want to bring something up with you, if it’s okay with you.

    I really wonder if maybe you wouldn’t do yourself a WORLD of good to open up to Mechanic.

    I’m just going to be blunt. I wonder if he doesn’t find women “easy” but “shallow”. Maybe he called you up because you finally had the courage to be a little bit real with him.

    Ever think that maybe he’s so used to typical women and to women falling over him and never being authentic with him… that what you sense as arrogance is just exhaustion with the ease at which women fall over him… and an inexplicable longing he can’t explain even to himself…

    A longing for a woman who will have the intestinal fortitude to be herself. A woman who’ll hold him to standards for a change. A woman who can say she’s sorry to him and not be afraid that he’ll run away…

    Maybe he’s very used to women throwing themselves at him, but not very used to women who are real with him.

    Perhaps his “k” wasn’t dismissive at all. Maybe it was, “Wait, what? What do I say here?? She… she just apologized to me. Women don’t apologize!”

    I’m just saying that perhaps… maybe… could be… you’re misjudging him.

    Perhaps he’s hungry for what you have to offer–authenticity and vulnerability and the chance for him to be the MAN he is, instead of the pretty body that he is.

    You know? I’m just saying… perhaps he’s yearning for exactly what you could offer if you went into hardcore, full-out girlie siren mode with him. Stop being afraid of him, make yourself vulnerable…

    Be something he obviously hasn’t found yet in this world… a woman that sees his heart and lets him make mistakes (because she lets herself make mistakes and apologizes for them).

    Anyway. Take that for what it’s worth. Maybe you need to give him a chance to step up and be manly. You haven’t given him that chance. You’ve played it cool. You’ve been aloof, not open and authentic.

    But it does sound like your apology touched him. Your moment of vulnerability made you real to him. He reached out to touch that softness. He called to bask in the youness of you… the sireny soft velvet that you let him feel for a moment and that threw him for a complete and total loop and left him speechless.

    Perhaps you haven’t been fair to him, by withholding yourself from him. He can never love you for who you really are, if you are never willing to let him see it.

    Love to you. <3



  80.  #80Kyla on April 2, 2014 at 8:06 am

    My date from last night I’m going to call Ninja 🙂 We are going out again Friday for fun and adventure. In our communications he is so very respectful but takes charge once I’ve shared my preference. I like that.

    I have a first date with another man on Saturday too. I feel floaty today. Work is feeling so much more pleasant and home is feeling happier and peaceful.

    R and some old CDs are still in constant contact and I don’t feel annoyed now, more feeling loved by many. I don’t want what they are offering me but it feels wonderful to allow that loving attention to come to me anyway.



  81.  #81Femininewoman on April 2, 2014 at 9:11 am

    Megan I pointed out the article to you because for me I embraced it as a concept to use for everything. Mainly because I get hung up on things and used to cling on forever. Now I remind myself about letting go of closure relating to everything so it is easier for me to stop myself when I find myself focusing so much on anything anyone does.

    Okay so he didn’t text back when I expected him to respond to me. So what? Then I have found it is easier to shift my focus. That let’s both the other person and myself off the hook.

    I totally get what you are saying though about how it feels.



  82.  #82Femininewoman on April 2, 2014 at 9:16 am

    “Tip #1 Widen your view

    Particularly when you are angry or feel defensive, your way of communicating and seeking resolution is almost all you can usually see. This happens to just about everyone, including us.

    Intense emotions can essentially shrink your view of a situation. And in the midst of the intensity, the last thing you probably want to do is listen to your partner’s point of view!

    Even so, we encourage you to do just that. Practice this when it comes to something not triggering you.

    Practice noticing and appreciating something that your partner does that’s different from you.

    Perhaps your partner makes pancakes differently than you do. It can be something as simple as that.

    Just as you wouldn’t choose the same foods as people from a maggot-eating tribe in Sardinia, recognize that everyone in this world (and in your family) is different.

    You might not initially see it their way, but you can widen your view to see the situation from your loved one’s perspective. As you practice widening your view, you create more space and possibilities. And with that sense of spaciousness and appreciation, there’s more room for resolution to occur.”

    Susie and Otto Collins

    “We don’t see things as they are, we see
    them as we are.” -Anais Nin.



  83.  #83Femininewoman on April 2, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Megan – “sometimes he says he won’t text to see if I will.” So many men say this regardless of their age. It seems he knows your buttons though and does push them.

    “I explained to him I’m the woman and you’re the man, I believe it’s the man’s job to approach.”

    Ooops was what heard in my brain and felt a bit cringey reading this. I am visualizing a woman left hand on hip right fingerpointing in a telling off kinda way. Almost like his mom scolding him.

    Megan again I ask do you have any of Rori’s materials?

    “just seems to need prodding to step up and play the part.” Again this gives me the sense that you are trying to change him into the version of the man you want.



  84.  #84Daria on April 2, 2014 at 9:31 am

    Iwanna yell at him so bad

    i already called hehe earlier hopein for a chance to either talk or yell



  85.  #85Daria on April 2, 2014 at 9:46 am

    so clearly somehow whatshis name again? that one M Man TRIGGERS ME TO CHASE!!

    wowiwe@@

    this time he said something like

    i want a love that doesnt go away just cuz someones mad

    wow so iim so chasy now and all over my barain and that particular line comes up

    along with the i dont want to fix whats not broken about the situation im not happy with

    i feel furious!

    so yah now i feel like spilling fury

    and am also so curious about how im geting triggered like this wit this particular man, when others are starting to trigger me so much less like yawn

    hmmm

    🙂



  86.  #86T. Bradley on April 2, 2014 at 9:54 am

    Femininewoman-44,

    I think its to mend things with his ex! But my mind is made up!



  87.  #87Daria on April 2, 2014 at 10:00 am

    felt better now feeling bummed again

    cuz have NO extra fun plan for today

    again

    what I want to be done for me is: laundry

    room clean up

    photos of clothes going in art box

    signing up for market research stuff

    dropping in at covered california help

    dmv forms

    gasoline in old car

    clean up of new car

    .

    i don’t want to do any of these things

    i want to do something else



  88.  #88T. Bradley on April 2, 2014 at 10:07 am

    Amazed-49,
    Thanks for the kind words!!!! He’s done that time after time. I love him but I gotta let him go! His ex has to much control over him. If I see him and he offers his number Im not excepting it!



  89.  #89Femininewoman on April 2, 2014 at 10:11 am

    RE 87 T-Bradley it would be great if you could hold that boundary. Let him see you respecting yourself without you having to say anything.



  90.  #90Dominique on April 2, 2014 at 10:16 am

    Megan – 67 – It doesn’t seem as though he was starting a conversation with you. It seems he was reaching out to you, to connect, to “feel” you in a sense. Just to say hi, I’m thinking of you.

    This isn’t something to feel annoyance about; it’s more something to feel good about, to put a smile of your face. Can you see it in this way instead? Doesn’t that feel better?

    xxoo



  91.  #91Daria on April 2, 2014 at 10:19 am

    how now he’s texting with me.

    im leaning forward and keepin it real at the same time and also having boundaries of no sexual stuff

    smh at myself i feel confused and i feel better right now



  92.  #92T. Bradley on April 2, 2014 at 10:22 am

    Femininewoman-88,

    I am! The only thing is Im gonna probably see him Friday and Saturday because we are invited to a party by the same people and im sure he’s gonna be there



  93.  #93Kyla on April 2, 2014 at 10:53 am

    Ninja just changed all his plans so he could see me tonight and gave me a list of options and suggestions. Haha apparantly he couldn’t wait til Friday and wants to make it easier for me to say yes than no to his short notice offer! He also wanted to update me about his interview and meeting this morning. I like that. I agreed to see a late movie after my kickboxing class and I get the kids settled for the night. I feel valued and happy and very grounded 🙂



  94.  #94Indigo on April 2, 2014 at 11:13 am

    Veronica 63,

    It feels so good to hear you were thinking of me 🙂 and for the very thoughtful comment.

    You are so right about being around creative, like-minded types, it does absolute wonders for my spirit. Thank you so much for understanding 🙂

    When I am in Joburg again I will be absolutely sure to check out Design Quarters… how great would it be to have a cocktail there together!

    xxx



  95.  #95Indigo on April 2, 2014 at 11:19 am

    Linda 65,

    This resonated with me sooo deeply.

    How right you are that it is all about what is a fit for you, what nourishes you, and not about trying to make yourself fit a particular situation.

    I resonate with your experience of having so much which was what you wanted, so much that was good… and yet so much that hurt, so much that took away from who you were essentially trying to be.

    Gentleness with myself comes in waves, it is not a constant as I wish it would be. Sometimes I am hard on myself, sometimes I try too hard. But with the years it is slowly getting better. I am learning to enjoy my life. Recently the lesson has been not to push. What a hard lesson that is for me.

    Thank you for the hugs. ((Love)) to you



  96.  #96Indigo on April 2, 2014 at 11:34 am

    Woah Megan 67 & 72,

    I think your feeling message response to him is the kind of thing you need to be very careful of.

    You need to be careful that you are not heading into the territory where he feels he can do nothing right, because he will then most likely pull away and you will feel even more anxious.

    I have learnt that often a guy will send a text like this “hi there”, “what are you up to?” etc., just because he is thinking of you and wanting to reach out to you. The guy I’m in a relationship with does this all the time and I love it. And just because he may not respond in detail to your reply, does not mean he has not listened to and considered what you’ve said. I find for many guys it is not their way to comment on what you’ve said much. They’ve asked, and for them, that is showing interest.

    It is not that I can’t understand how you feel, I do… I just think you might want to try and consciously relax around this issue and re-focus your attention onto the good stuff. I even go so far as assuming that yes, of course he adores me. If you do have a conversation with him, I would be careful to set it up so he can win this one.

    x



  97.  #97Veronica on April 2, 2014 at 11:34 am

    A man that I had met on the dating site but never met in person scoured his OkC messages to find my e-mail address because his e-mail account shut down and he lost addresses. Wow I’ve never had that before, a man putting in effort to contact me, this is different and so needed now. Especially since I didn’t do anything, I didn’t even think about it. Now I know.

    Another man who I’ll call BearCD is quite happy to meet me, he provided a list of all the days he’s available to meet for the next 3 weeks. I told him when I was available and he chose the earliest date to meet. What I like is that I feel calm and mellow, unlike before when I was feeling antsy at the prospect of CDing any men. Also, he was quite happy to just carry on e-mailing if I didn’t want to meet because he liked our conversations.

    It’s like I’m on my time.

    Finally am feeling calmer about things with BM. All I have is moments with anybody – that’s far less pressure on me. I’ve also reached a point where I don’t have any more pain to feel. What do I want to practice with someone who triggers me so much?



  98.  #98Indigo on April 2, 2014 at 11:41 am

    Megan 72 & 75,

    Oh I get how you feel about the not stepping up, and not making plans.

    Perhaps this is what has really got you feeling anxious, not the texting.

    If it were me, and I have done this with the guy I’m dating and it did work wonders, though I had to reinforce it 2 or 3 times… I said something along the lines of “I’d like to feel treasured and adored… when you make plans with me it makes me feel like you want to see me and I love that. I don’t like how I feel when I’m waiting for plans.”



  99.  #99Veronica on April 2, 2014 at 11:47 am

    Indigo : )

    It is such a pleasure. I too am trying to make real my desire to work creatively. When I go to galleries or talk to artists and art lovers, I can feel it in my being that this is possible, that I trust my instincts. I am giddy with excitement, I have to calm myself down because I spent the whole of today being about images and art. I also believe that the same will happen for you once you get a taste of the possibilities and also because I want that for you.

    Oh my I would be so happy to meet you!

    Much love to you



  100.  #100Violette on April 2, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    I told M I feel more comfortable not communication between dates in the beginning so I can digest things. It felt fun to just tell the truth. Because I don’t feel invested. Freedom.



  101.  #101Millie on April 2, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    Shannon,
    What a great post…I feel tingly from head to toe after reading your words. You paint him so beautifully, I would love to believe your take on what’s happening. Maybe I will. I just will 🙂

    In reading some Christian carter, he says that women who are naturals with men have not had so many bad experiences to jade them as women who aren’t naturals. This made me realize how much of my reactions and habits stem from my last relationship. I tried hard with that man and once trying stopped working I just stopped. Deer in the headlights, not knowing what to do anymore. Not knowing what to say, expecting to be hurt if I expressed myself. My patterns aren’t the men I choose, they are how I react. My behavior is the pattern. I see this with Mechanic and others, how they are nothing like my ex, but i react in the moment as if they are. I protect myself. Because I’m used to being hurt and let down by him. I see that.

    That said, if mechanic was reaching out for softness, i kind of botched it . Him calling was an opportunity I didn’t use to its full advantage. I felt thrown off and left speechless. Anyway, it’s ok. There will be a next time and other men to practice in.

    Thank you Shannon, you’ve shown me another way to look at things. And in such a poetic way. 🙂



  102.  #102Turquoise on April 2, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    Thank you Tereana… I just saw this. I just want to cry and scream…. and feel normal again, all within seconds of each other. Last Wednesday was the last time I talked to him. I’m finding lots of reminders in my days.. his mom reaches out a lot, common friends on facebook… I’m just struggling a little. Then I think, why am I so upset at losing him…. he was gay, we weren’t even a couple anymore… but we loved each other, we were very present in each others lives, and I FEEL the loss. I feel like someone is standing on my chest, I feel like I could cry at just about any time…. and I feel overly emotional. I just feel a lot of things, all at the same time. I know it gets easier, time helps. Keeping busy helps. My girls help. I just miss him. He was one of my very best friends. And this just sucks.

    Turquoise – Wow, I posted to you on the last thread, but here, somehow it became more powerful on a much deeper level when I saw his real name. And of course picturing you two as kids. Everyone has their story, and our names our powerful. Seeing it, I just felt the weight, the essence of all he was…And somehow, Lisa’s observation of “it is all ok” is resonating with me right now for you. It sounds strange. Because everything must not feel ok for you right now. But in a bigger, more expansive sense…it is ok. He is complete. You will always feel this loss. I know. Because I have lost friends and family members, too. But keeping them in your heart allows the hole in your life not to grow too big. And remembering them, you can find the sweetness in the pain, because it is just another dimension to this beautiful and fabulous life.

    I am dealing with my own pain, right now, this moment. And so, even though it is a different sort of pain, less raw and present than surely yours is, there is still, somehow, when I allow myself to forget anger and resentment, and just feel the pain itself…there is a sweetness. Hard to explain. So fitting that Sweet was part of the name you chose for him on this blog..

    Write about it as much as you need. We are here for you

    Sunday, 30 March 2014 @ 7:50pm



  103.  #103Femininewoman on April 2, 2014 at 2:04 pm

    (((((((((((((Turquoise)))))))))))))))))))))



  104.  #104Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    @Emerson @Femininewoman

    Hi. 😀

    BTW, not connected to anything especially but have you seen the HBO doc on Internet dating?==>
    “When Strangers Click:
    Five Stories From the Internet”

    I saw it on DVD from library. One of the stories is about a “long distance dating” couple who don’t speak the same language… very interesting… what happens to them.

    SLV
    xoxo



  105.  #105Femininewoman on April 2, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    Thanks SLV. No I haven’t.



  106.  #106Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    @104: Femininewomansays:
    “Thanks SLV. No I haven’t.”

    Check it out. I think you’ll like it. 😀

    SLV
    xoxo



  107.  #107Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    Some wise words from Terry Hernon (some good suggestions for keeping yourself happy even if nobody’s cheating on you):

    WHAT TO DO IF HE’S CHEATING ON YOU
    http://69.195.124.160/~datingc7/2014/03/19/what-to-do-if-hes-cheating-on-you/

    SLV
    xoxo



  108.  #108lesley on April 2, 2014 at 6:06 pm

    i did the circular dating rory to try to get my man to commit, then i get a phone call where he calls things off with us. he has another woman. and he added before he left, he will txt me now and then to see how im going,,, what the f…



  109.  #109Turquoise on April 2, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    Thanks FW 🙁



  110.  #110Tereana on April 2, 2014 at 7:38 pm

    (((Turquoise)))



  111.  #111Tereana on April 2, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    Ladies, I feel sooo much better this week.

    I was just reading about major “energy shifts” due to planetary combinations this past weekend, plus a solar flare, and I totally think I felt that!

    But I also just felt a lot of stress from my life. So I decided to book myself a massage. Soooo good. I feel so much more NORMAL now. Lol. I wish I could do this event week. In an ideal world I would. But maybe just every month. It is worth it because it balances my system so well…

    And today, I feel calm even though M hasn’t texted me at all tonight. Normally, he does, but for some reason, I’m not worried about it. Maybe I feel secure and like there is nothing to worry about? Yeah, that’s probably it ; )

    And that’s because, every time I’ve felt worried so far, he’s come through for me and surprised me with how much he wants to be with me. So I think there is more way to go. But so far, it still feels good.

    And I do still think of S occasionally. But, truthfully, even when I was there and we were dating, I had the sense that he was a guy meant to be with me in the moment, and maybe to heal something for me. But not for the long haul…good night, sirens zzzz



  112.  #112Rori Raye on April 2, 2014 at 11:23 pm

    lesley, Welcome, (I’ve deleted your last name for your privacy) – and – the thing is – you can’t “use” the Tools to “get something from a man. They don’t work that way. This is not “strategy” or “games.” Circular Dating is a learning process – it let’s you discover how you’re being, what your patterns are with men that aren’t working. It helps you shift your own perspectives and habits by trying new things, working the Tools. It builds your confidence and trust in yourself.

    You can’t “win” a man who isn’t interested in you…and to help a man become interested in you – that’s what the Tools are for…only, it’s an “inside job.” I encourage you to get the ebook so you don’t try things without learning the full scope of how they work. Circular Dating is a big concept – Targeting Mr. Right is an entire program devoted to that. Please use Circular Dating to get over this man. I’m not saying it can never be – and if you work to shift things inside yourself and find new, Feeling Message ways to speak and move – you’ll have more options than you can now imagine! Love, Rori



  113.  #113Mandy on April 3, 2014 at 1:10 am

    Ah boy. I missed the teleclass. I’ve been swamped.

    J’s grandma is dying, and his whole family is with her and he is a bit beside himself as he can’t be there to help.

    That and he is sick so I’m taking care of both those things.

    I’ve barely been able to slow down this week taking care of everything, getting in a workout, getting sleep and being sure I eat.

    I’m going to run myself ragged if I don’t take a break!



  114.  #114Veronica on April 3, 2014 at 6:55 am

    I’m feeling so much love from family and friends today and especially this year when I still feel broken sometimes, when I can’t offer much emotionally and that’s okay with them while I heal.



  115.  #115Lynne on April 3, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    Loved your post. I too try not to focus on the negative but think happy thoughts and try to see the beatuy of each situation I’m in. I don’t want to be stuck in a negative place and harbor these ill feelings with myself.



  116.  #116Tereana on April 3, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    Turquoise, how are you feeling? Sending good thoughts…



  117.  #117Tereana on April 3, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    Mandy, yes, breaks are good! I missed the teleclass too. But I think she sent a link to the replay. I hope to listen to it soon! (Like maybe tomorrow)…

    I can’t believe I’ve been checking in on this blog for years…years! But I keep coming back, because it feels like a safe space to share whatever I’m feeling or whatever is going on. That’s pretty cool : )

    And I think I did pretty well today. I got triggered when I had tentative plans with M for tonight, but then I decided, on my own, I shouldn’t go. I was going to call him after work and tell him. But then he texted I should not come. I only felt triggered bc I wanted to be the one to say it. Lol. But also just wanted to communicate about it.

    So I got up, walked around, took some deep breaths and focused on something else. Then I called him and asked that call me back. Then I went to work. And he did call me back. And we talked, and it was all ok.

    Then, tonight, with my mom, she came home and was talking to me while I did the dishes. Usually when she talks to me, I get majorly stressed out. But tonight, I just focused in what I was doing, breathed deeply, and was able to be more or less polite. Or at least calm.

    I absolutely hate being in this house with my mother. Tonight, in the kitchen, I found a random piece of dried pizza, just lying on the floor, among the mess. It’s funny, in a really unsanitary, disturbing kind of way. And also because she triggers me so much. But I’m wondering if this circumstance has come about in order for me to heal this issue. Like “exposure therapy.” I haven’t been able to do it in regular therapy. I haven’t solved it by running away and getting distance. Maybe it will never be quite perfect. I don’t even really know what the issue is that’s causing the problem. But I know that I have a very deep issue with her. And that problem has rippled out into almost every aspect of my life. I can’t keep feeling this way. So I wonder afar has to shift, in order for me to move forward….



  118.  #118Millie on April 3, 2014 at 9:36 pm

    I feel down today.
    I feel like I’m doing well at work, but I can do better. That is actually a relief though…because I know what I’m capable of and when I bring it…I BRING IT!

    I probably feel down because I haven’t eaten much today, because I was late for work, because “feeling like a prize” is an uphill battle for me.

    I mentioned that Mechanic had called me the other day. At first I felt butterflies about it, but now I’m just wishing I had been more sireny. That maybe he would continue reaching out if I had been….I wonder if I’ll ever get the hang of this….there is just no men pursuing me, so I feel like I’m focusing on him. Partially because of my feelings for him and partially because I’m looking for some validation that I’m on the right track.

    I wonder if I will always feel like I failed in someway with every new encounter.

    I may be successful at work, but I feel like a failure at my love life. And I’m tired of it. I’m so sick and tired and feeling like that. Ugh. venting.



  119.  #119Babs on April 18, 2014 at 8:49 am

    I think it is very sad that the beauty industry has women running out to buy the latest and greatest for facials to nails to hair. The products are hitting us in the face everywhere. Young girls are encouraged into believing that “looks are all.” Everything is so pricey. If you really want good skin, nails, hair…it is available in your kitchen!

    Back to main point: many, if not most men are turned off by the obsession with beauty. I was told by a male friend that I wear makeup so lightly that it is hard to decipher if I am wearing it at all. They love this.
    But women are so insecure and competitive that they pursue these makeup items…and it never fails that other women will be quite envious at the results.
    Can we get back to basics? (and men absolutely hate it when women compete in this way. They like authenticity)



  120.  #120Nicole on April 18, 2014 at 8:52 am

    Reading these articles by Rori are very mind blowing. How easy it is to have a man want us so badly. The only thing…I know many women who actually do not want relationships. They are very independent and would prefer to have men as friends. They tell me men make the best of friends…meanwhile no one wants to tie you down.



  121.  #121Lynne on April 18, 2014 at 9:25 am

    I agree only partly with what Rori teaches.
    There is a book entitled, “Why Men Love Bitches”. Apparently being feminine and and emotional does not appeal to all men.



  122.  #122Rori Raye on April 19, 2014 at 9:51 am

    Lynne – did you read the book? For me – it’s all about the confidence to be honest and not needy and desperate….Which is what we’re all about, here. It takes great confidence to know who you are and and how you feel and express yourself clearly and directly. That’s what “being a girl” IS, for me. Love, Rori



  123.  #123Rori Raye on April 19, 2014 at 9:54 am

    Babs – and what if you LIKE makeup? If you’re an artist and like putting clothes together, love fashion as wearable art, and love putting makeup on your face? Are you still “authentic” then? — I say YES!!! Just questioning you because, for me, any kind of “judgment” of ANYTHING is what destroys love, compassion, genuineness, generosity, understanding, and true authenticity. Love, Rori



  124.  #124Mary Ann on May 4, 2014 at 9:11 pm

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1 year and seven months. On our first year anniversary I was going through his emails and I found out that he had a porn page. We were having problems at the time and when I confronted him he said I pushed him to it because of my nagging but he said he would stop. He deleted his accounts but a few months later opened another one. When I confronted him he said he opened it to see if I was still going through his email. I deleted this account myself. Later he had another page but he actually deleted it without me saying something. Everything seem to go fine after that. I started doing searches in the past few weeks and I came across his porn profiles from years ago that he doesn’t use. Now I’m expecting his child and just a few days ago he opened a page on a dating site. I opened a fake page and I started to lead him on and he went along. Part of me wants to leave him but part of me doesn’t. We are in two different countries now and he will move to where I am soon. I wonder if he is doing this because he is not having sex or to see if I’m still going through his emails. Yet again, he is sharing pics of his private parts with other girls but when I ask him to share them with me the other day he said he was busy, even though he was just writing me under my fake profile. What should I do? Should I confront him again and marry him? Or just stay alone and take care of our daughter?



  125.  #125Mindy on May 5, 2014 at 9:48 am

    It is tough settling for something less than what and who you are. Add in the in-law situation and your life can be totally miserable.

    Not even knowing what is best for you is a real kicker. You then are prey to other people’s ‘well-meaning’ comments about what, where, how, and who you should be pursuing.

    I am far less than happy and feel guilty about wishing my situation would end. Maybe an ultimatum is in order.



  126.  #126Bard on May 5, 2014 at 9:58 am

    Why give men all that power? And why the ‘ploys’ and games? Just be yourself. You are either feminine or you are not. If a hunk of a guy (and I have been chased by this kind of male) wants you, being yourself in your most confident state is the most appealing you can get…and it is honest, what all relationships should have…honesty.

    This is not the age of the Southern Belle…batting eyelashes, using a seductive voice, using your emotions in a sly way to ‘draw a man in’.

    And why spend money on what you can get for free? Ok…I do agree that using your intuitive side, especially when faced with a stubborn and recalcitrant male, is a wise thing to use. Rather than screaming, panicking, or crying…use your intellect and present a problem to a man…using “I” rather than “you” is a cool way to approach this type of situation. He will hear your emotions and it will draw out his too. That is think is very nice.



  127.  #127Barb on May 5, 2014 at 10:00 am

    Last sentence of my last post: obviously I meant “That I think is very nice.”

    And men actually do love it when you apply feminine wiles. It seems to work every time.



  128.  #128Dominique on May 5, 2014 at 10:05 am

    Wow Mary Ann, this doesn’t sound good. It’s one thing for a man to look at porn now and then as most of them do whether it be for a quick escape or as a masturbatory tool or out of habit. It’s quite another to share pictures of himself with others. In my book this would be cheating.

    Is it for you?

    I think you already know what you want to do and are seeking validation. I will support you and help you no matter what you choose.

    It really has to be about you, you and your healing, you taking the best care of you, and in this you gain clarity; with this clarity you can choose without doubts or regrets.

    xxoo



  129.  #129Rori Raye on May 5, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    Bard = Welcome – and here’s the thing – what you say is absolutely true, exactly what we’re talking about here – and you are SO lucky if you are ABLE to “be yourself.” Because, for most of us – that is the most mysterious, most difficult thing anyone could ever ask of us. And feeling confident often feels impossible. The work here is NOT about ploys and games, it’s about doing and saying things that build confidence and authenticity in US. It’s all about learning who we actually ARE – and then BEING that. Love, Rori



  130.  #130Barb on May 5, 2014 at 9:42 pm

    Sometimes I think this/that and a bit of another ‘thing’. You seem to have grasped what I was trying to say, Rori.

    Thank you



  131.  #131Shannon P. on May 6, 2014 at 5:56 am

    Mary Ann,

    I am going through a really rough breakup. I kept thinking he would change. I put up with things that were not up to my most basic standards for my relationship.

    So you must ask yourself this question… IF HE NEVER CHANGES THIS, can I live with it??

    Can you live with the porn and him on dating sites? If yes, then go for it. Stay with him. If no… then stop thinking he will change. He won’t. It cannot be said more clearly than that.

    You’ll find it a lot easier to leave now than later. When that child is here and involved, that’s pain on a whole other level… you’ll at some point have to break up the family, because he’s made it abundantly clear (and then some) that not only won’t he stop this, he’ll continue to escalate it.

    I wouldn’t stay… but then again, I did stay with a gaming addict, so I might stay, lol. But if I had my head about me, I’d have left my (now-ex) boyfriend earlier–a lot earlier.

    Just my thoughts. Decide if you can live with this or can’t. It’s who he is.



  132.  #132Azure Blu on May 6, 2014 at 6:36 am

    Hi Mary Ann,
    I try and remember this quote from the famous author Maya Angelou

    “When someone shows you who they are….
    believe them the first time!”

    It would have saved me a years of heartache if I had listened… :-\