Is It Your “Nasty Voice” Or Is It A “Real” Warning?

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10-6 love yourselfHere’s a letter from Angela, that feels totally “universal” to me.

Every day of my own life I ask the same questions about “what voice do I listen to” – and I tell myself the same answer I’m giving you here…

“Rori, I stumbled upon your website. and so much of your work and philosophy makes sense. I struggle with low self esteem and getting involved( in my head) with unavailable men. Anyway I recently bought your book and I am practicing the tools. I love how simple they are and what is working for me is accepting the nasty voice living with it but not letting it dictate my life. That said I wanted to ask you what is the best way to move on from an imaginary relationship? Besides of course knowing its imaginary. And by imaginary you mean when the man is not coming to you right?

I have a hard time allowing men to come to me. What is the balance? Of allowing a man to come to me and just completely being unavailable to men? And also -i know its a lot of questions – going back to the nasty voice- when it tells me I am broken and need fixing and to not get involved with men just yet (because I am needy obsessive and wont know how to deal with a relationship)- is it right, is it the nasty voice or is it based on reality? Or might it be just a form of protecting myself from relationships? Blessings – Angela”

My Answer:

Angela, Welcome, and I’m so glad you have the new ebook and are starting with loving the Nasty Voice.

Here’s the simple “rule”:

There are lots of parts of ourselves with lots of different voices, and some of them sound hateful and scream at us and tell us we’re horrible – and the way to integrate them all into the one “you” in a most efficient, big-hearted and successful way is just to LOVE them all.

Unconditionally.

Don’t try to figure out if you’re getting a good warning or a fake one – because to these parts – ALL warnings are real and good!

All these parts of ourselves are trying to HELP – even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time.

If you can practice “dating” enough (Targeting Mr. Right is the program…), you’ll start to get “hip” to your inner “programming” and habits…and start to find joy in sorting through them, and instead of trying to figure things out – just see how you FEEL with different scenarios.

Trying to know what to do and what to say and how to behave is exhausting.

Much better is to practice trusting yourself by practicing Tools and seeing how things feel – instead of being glued to outcomes…

Love, Rori

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404 Comments

  1.  #1Indigo on February 20, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Starla 678 (from previous thread)

    Your words are so wise and yet why are they so hard for me to do.

    I am going to be really, really vulnerable here:

    I am longing for the day when I can do any of these things without it causing me pain. I don’t mean a bit of heartsore, or discomfort, I mean pain. It hurts if I go this way, it hurts if I go that way. It hurts if I move, it hurts if I don’t.

    I am writing this because I am believing for that day. I am having faith.

    I spent a day where I really felt, and I wept in my car and while I was going for my walk, because the sensitivity that is me, that I love so much, that allows me to feel such amazing and profound beauty and love, which I wouldn’t trade for all the world; is the same thing which makes it even possible for me to feel pain in this way.

    Wow, I am being so vulnerable here and it feels so hard!

    I am believing for the day when this will be MUCH easier and won’t be painful as well as beautiful.



  2.  #2sha-sha on February 20, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Good afternoon ladies………love this last email and blog rori put out hits home hard for me……….love rori tools they really work its unbelieve at times 🙂



  3.  #3sha-sha on February 20, 2013 at 10:40 am

    🙂



  4.  #4Dominique on February 20, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Indigo – This will get easier. It will. If I was able to move through this kind of thing, these kinds of feelings, anyone can.

    And I know you can do this too because you are aware, and awareness is key. With awareness and desire, you CAN do anything.

    And you ARE shifting and changing, big time. It may not seem this way to you sometimes, yet I see it and feel it.

    Sending love.

    xxoo



  5.  #5Femininewoman on February 20, 2013 at 10:53 am

    Great article



  6.  #6Indigo on February 20, 2013 at 10:53 am

    Thank you, thank you Dominique!

    Thank you for believing with me!

    And thank you for saying that, it was wonderful to hear. 🙂



  7.  #7Elsie on February 20, 2013 at 11:40 am

    @Indigo – I firmly believe I am the same as you. I am *so* emotional. So, it allows me to be so sensitive to experience complete and utter joy from such small things but the flip side of that is that I feel such intense pain.

    I truly understand exactly what you are talking about. But I wouldnt want to be any other way either….



  8.  #8Daria on February 20, 2013 at 11:46 am

    i love you all



  9.  #9Mercedes on February 20, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    Rori…I love this so much: “Don’t try to figure out if you’re getting a good warning or a fake one – because to these parts – ALL warnings are real and good!

    All these parts of ourselves are trying to HELP – even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time.”

    Indigo: This sounds so much like how I feel too…thank you for posting it: “because the sensitivity that is me, that I love so much, that allows me to feel such amazing and profound beauty and love, which I wouldn’t trade for all the world; is the same thing which makes it even possible for me to feel pain in this way.”

    And for me, not just pain but sadness and anger and joy and peace too…lots of emotions…sometimes all at the same time. Nothing to change there, just hard to handle sometimes…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  10.  #10Elsie on February 20, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    @Mercedes and Indigo –

    Exactly. I wouldnt change it – but it is hard to handle sometimes.

    Rori is helping me do that wth her tools. I have been told before that I am always at a level 10 – which is obviously emotionally exhausting not only to me but those around me.

    Earlier today – he was helping me with something and I couldn’t “get” it. And he got frustrated and said “Are you being difficult on purpose?” I was so upset that he would say that. And so I just put my hand on my heart again and said slowly – no….I love how it feels when you help me. I would never sabotage that or make it more difficult. I truly dont understand, and it feels good that you are helping me.

    Like MAGIC I tell you. He reached out and calmed down and held me. Easy. Done and done.

    Rori Raye is awesome.



  11.  #11Mercedes on February 20, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    Elsie: That is so awesome! I probably would have had a sarcastic reaction like “yes. I am. Do you like it?” which probably would not have gone over so well. lol I too have learned a lot from Rori but don’t always put it into place. I love to read about you doing it. Sounds amazing. As you said…MAGIC.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  12.  #12Elsie on February 20, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    @Mercedes – It is so hard to follow Rori Raye sometimes. So hard.

    But wow – the results are there.

    And frankly, I like myself better when I react in a calm and heartfelt manner, still having emotions, but not letting my emotions CONTROL me…..instead I am controlling my EMOTIONS.

    Much better that way. 🙂



  13.  #13Mercedes on February 20, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Yup Elsie…I totally agree. And it’s absolutely beautiful to see it happening for you that way. Absolutely Beautiful.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  14.  #14Starla on February 20, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    i used to always be at the mercy of my nasty voice in terms of if something was a real warning/red flag or just my issues and blocks coming up to sabotage me.

    there are two things you can do —

    1. date tons of men at once so you can practice more with hearing your voice and seeing what the outcome is. You’re not invested so there’s nothing to lose if it turns out your ‘warning’ feelings were actually true. and if it turns out they weren’t, well, now you know:)

    or

    2. date no one at all, deliberately and for some time. give it all a rest and reset. you’ll come much closer to yourself than you ever have been before, and when you start dating again, you’ll be better equipped to listen to your gut and voices.



  15.  #15Starla on February 20, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    in other words, i don’t think you can get an objective handle on it if you’re tied up in one man without the commitment you truly want. there’s too much anxiety, uncertainty, investment, etc., to get a clear baseline read on yourself for these purposes.



  16.  #16Starla on February 20, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Okay, ladies. I am leaving. This is not the right place for me anymore. Stay in touch.



  17.  #17Starla on February 20, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    16 has nothing to do with 14 and 15, sorry for the confusion.



  18.  #18FlowerChild77 on February 20, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    Thank you Starla…I love your explanation. It cleared up a lot of confusion I was feeling about this.

    I hope you’re not leaving for good… <3



  19.  #19Elsie on February 20, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    @Mercedes – Well, thanks but just wait until you have to talk me off of the ledge because I’m somehow freaking out – you can guarantee I’ll be there soon too haha!!!!

    I am still having a hard time with just being everything for myself and not looking to someone else for that. It just feels so good to have someone be there for me and I really crave that to the point of codependence. I know logically what I should do – but I cant seem to make my emotions follow….



  20.  #20Mercedes on February 20, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    Elsie: “Well, thanks but just wait until you have to talk me off of the ledge because I’m somehow freaking out – you can guarantee I’ll be there soon too haha!!!!”

    LOL!! I think that happens to EVERYONE in some way shape or form. Some of us with romantic relationships, some with family, some with work, friends…you name it. 🙂 Your emotions will follow the more you practice…of that I am SURE!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  21.  #21Dominique on February 20, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    Indigo and Elsie – Have you read my two part article on being sensitive?

    Part 1 – http://sexandheart.com/dealing-with-your-man-as-an-ultra-sensitive

    xxoo



  22.  #22Dominique on February 20, 2013 at 2:29 pm


  23.  #23Olivia on February 20, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    @elsie, indigo, mercedes….Yep. I am super emotional too –highs and lows. I get so angry and so abandoned feeling and then so elated *rinse-cycle-repeat* And I never would have known that the FM was the key to starting to get more control over myself on the inside. And not just men but with friends, family, co-workers. So thankful to have found this.



  24.  #24Olivia on February 20, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    @Elsie, also mini lol to your anecdote up there about putting your hand on your heart and then the words and the reaction…it’s like an awesome power using the FM! Almost a little scary ’cause it’s so powerful?! But the more I do it the more benevolent I feel to myself first and others, instead of when you are just playing hard to get and feeling worse and worse about yourself and being manipulative..like you would *trade up* the current guy for a new one if you could.

    I missed some opportunities to use FM last night and it’s just funny thinking about how it would have gone differently had I.

    Every day is a practice opportunity! Loving the mistake making…



  25.  #25MovingMagic on February 20, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    Yummm. I love men who are persistent. It feels good to not be pining over a man. Going on dates with many men provides so much opportunity for growth & understanding within myself. I’m going to places in Manhattan, & Brooklyn that I may have not experienced otherwise. I feel so laid back, gentle, & calm. *sigh



  26.  #26Vi on February 20, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    FeminineWoman, thank you for your comment to me in the previous thread. My Goddess Siren feels pleased and sends a big thank you and a Valentine to your Goddess Siren 🙂



  27.  #27Elsie on February 20, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    @ Mercedes and all – remember how a few hours ago I said you would have to talk me from the ledge – LOL – here I am.

    For no reason at all I feel so anxious. I feel like in the end I wont be with him. I feel like he will constantly allow his ex-wife to dictate the parameters of our relationship even when all custody and financial matters are settled. I feel like it will never be over. I feel like there will always be an excuse that I am not now the focus and the most important. I am very anxious over his words last week and that he will never get married to me. I feel very panic stricken right now.

    Nothing happened. I havent talked to him at all but I have just started feeling these panic feelings of anxiety that in the end of all the work and effort and frankly all the emotion and deep connection that we have that somehow it wont work out.

    I am just panicked. I know you will all tell me to circular date. But frankly, I never intended to even date HIM….I’m finishing up my divorce and all of this came out of the blue. So I just CANT circular date right now.

    I just am so afraid of the future.

    I dont even know why its so important. I feel like I need the reassurance that everything is going to work out and we are going to be together in the end. I dont know why I feel like I need that – but WOW that feeling is very very very strong. To the point of anxiety right now.

    Why???? What triggered me? I think him being so emotionally open with me this week triggered me, and I want to keep that and I dont want to lose it.

    OK – thoughts?



  28.  #28MovingMagic on February 20, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    Elsie, I’ve found setting intentions for myself to be a super helpful tool in these kinds of situations. It sounds like you’ve had a good week with communication/heart opening. What feelings/thoughts/(in)actions Will inspire more of that?



  29.  #29Memulo on February 20, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    Did Starla leave? I was about to say that I feel that by not calling I am standing up for myself. I feel so torn. There is a Jewish holiday this weekend, maybe we will run into each other. If not – I don’t know, I will think about it. There was so much uncertainty.. I don’t want to be treated like s-t. Plus I think he is seriously with someone else. I don’t know. then it will be very old for me to call.



  30.  #30MovingMagic on February 20, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    Memulo, what’s the worst that could happen if you did call him?



  31.  #31Memulo on February 20, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    I will hear that he completely moved on, with someone else and couldn’t care less. At most he will say I’m sorry. OLD. He will tell his friend though who was talking him out of me that he was right – at the end I did call.



  32.  #32Memulo on February 20, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    Maybe the only reason that he ever thinks of me with respect is that I do not call.



  33.  #33MovingMagic on February 20, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    How did the call go?



  34.  #34Memulo on February 20, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    Oh sorry that is a misunderstanding – I did not;)



  35.  #35Memulo on February 20, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    In my past if I tried to go back to ex-loves it never worked out. starla’s story is a miracle. Never happened to me.



  36.  #36MovingMagic on February 20, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    Memulo, I don’t think it serves us to try & get into a man (or anyones) head. 🙂 That feels way too exhausting to me.



  37.  #37Memulo on February 20, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    The thing is that I deserve better. I deserve not to be lied to, not to be manipulated. I should be loved and treated with care. It’s not so hard to love me, I am very lovable.



  38.  #38Memulo on February 20, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    #36 – yes you are right.



  39.  #39MovingMagic on February 20, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    If I wanted to call I would call..yet I would do it when I felt really good about myself, & had no real attachment to outcome. I would also make sure I could get busy focusing on myself right after I made the call. It keeps communication from feeling heavy.



  40.  #40Memulo on February 20, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    I am lying to my cd. He thinks I like him. I never told him so and he noticed it too. He says I show with my actions that I like him. But I only allow him to like me, and even that is hard for me. I have to be strong not to resist too much.



  41.  #41MovingMagic on February 20, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    ((Memulo)) you so deserve all of the things you mentioned. What can you do right now to love on yourself? I’m a huge fan of candles, incense, & some silence. 🙂



  42.  #42MovingMagic on February 20, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    Why resist anything?



  43.  #43Memulo on February 20, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    Yes MM, perhaps you are right. I will see what happens over the weekend and then decide. Not to scream at him if we talk? I never scream. Not to say how angry I was? I am always so calm and look so together. Don’t allow myself to lose it. Not always a good thing.



  44.  #44Memulo on February 20, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    #41 – yes that sounds good 😉 I am lucky don’t have to work crazy hours today, yay!

    Waiting a few days won’t change much, right? After so much time.

    One thing that scares me is that I believe that people in love have this time window when miracles happen and everything they want come true. But if you are a coward and miss your window it closes.



  45.  #45MovingMagic on February 20, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    Vulnerability can be a scary place. Ohhh…but how I’ve grown to love my tears. 🙂



  46.  #46MovingMagic on February 20, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Memulo, I feel like things work out in their own time & in their own way. No amount of pushing or pulling will change that. If you’re gonna push, feel good about it, & don’t question it girl. 😉



  47.  #47Indigo on February 20, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    Elsie 7

    Yes. I can tell by your comments that you are very sensitive too.

    I certainly wouldn’t have it any other way. To me it’s like a precious gift that I love very much, and I love the way it gets me to experience life. So yeah, I agree with you, I certainly wouldn’t have it a different way.



  48.  #48Indigo on February 20, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    Mercedes 9

    Yes, all of those emotions in their beautiful depth. And thoughts too.

    It’s like a tide that takes you over and over again, until you learn how to kind of be like a ship that can navigate it all and finally be strong and steady and calm and wise, but for a long time at first it just sweeps you up.

    That’s how I feel anyway.



  49.  #49Indigo on February 20, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    Olivia 23

    Yeah. It is like that with me too, yet it is slowly getting better. And really life is so beautiful as a sensitive person.

    I have found that my sensitivity comes to highlight one area of my life at a time in a BIG way: friends, work, family… until I master it.

    Love is the final frontier for me at the moment.

    For me what’s so frustrating is just the fact that I have that capacity to feel that pain at all: I’ll be walking along, thinking I’m doing fine and then bam! And I’m like, seriously?



  50.  #50Indigo on February 20, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    Dominique,

    Yes, I have read your wonderful articles on ultra sensitivity 🙂 I really like your understanding of your man as an ultra sensitive too. It actually is so comforting to have you as a role model in this.

    I have read a lot about high sensitivity actually… a lot. And I have a fairly good understanding of the trait. And I appreciate it and honour it in my life as much as I can.

    I am just waiting for the day that I feel more solid in my romantic life. That the pain doesn’t run me at times and get to me the way it does now.



  51.  #51Indigo on February 20, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    Memulo,

    I really don’t like to see you so down on yourself, describing yourself as a coward, or as having a window to do something right, that then closes.

    This is just simply not the way it is. Call him or don’t call him, it won’t change who you are and it won’t change who he is, it likely won’t change very much in the general scheme of things. Do it if it will make you feel better, and don’t if it won’t.

    But please don’t believe that this one thing, or any one thing, changes how deserving of happiness you are. You CAN’T mess it up that easily. 🙂



  52.  #52Daria on February 20, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    i feel so lonely!

    i feel panicked and wavy not seeing man energy that feels good the way im used to coming at me



  53.  #53Daria on February 20, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    life loves me!



  54.  #54Heart on February 20, 2013 at 11:16 pm

    Daria – what’s the life loves me tool?



  55.  #55Daria on February 20, 2013 at 11:52 pm

    Baubo and Elegba – the marriage

    http://www.baubosgarden.com/content/who-baubo



  56.  #56Tereana on February 20, 2013 at 11:53 pm

    Hey, Everyone – Thank you for the hugs on the last thread!

    Just so you know, (k) and I had not been “dating” for any length of time. We’ve been “friends” for a long time. And we tried dating once. Actually, it was last year, around my birthday. But I’m the one who told him that we would be better off keeping it in the “friend zone,” since I wasn’t feeling much of a spark.

    Lately, as you may or may not know, my living situation has been totally upended, and I found myself without a real place to live. No wait, scratch that – I first got into a dangerous house with a threatening and not-safe man, and had to be “rescued.” He didn’t do the rescuing. Be he was one of (if not the first) person to call me after I’d posted online what was happening, and he’d offered his couch as a place to stay. I didn’t take him up on it right away, because I had another place to go. But at one point, I needed a place for one night, and he was available.

    I stayed over, and I had a great time. It was totally platonic, although with a good dose of healthy sexual banter and flirting. I must say I flirted right back. I enjoyed it. But I really didn’t feel like DOING anything about it. Not right away, anyway….

    Meanwhile, I went back to stay with him a couple of more times. And I was enjoying myself so much, that I was starting to reconsider the idea of “friend zoning” the whole thing and was feeling some attraction for him. And I wanted to talk to him about this, but I wasn’t sure how or when to start the conversation.

    I’m still toying in my mind with the idea of writing him a follow-up email. I might still do that. But I also want to take my time and not rush. Because if I rush, I might end up saying either more or less than I really want to. I don’t want to speak/write from my head, I want it to come from my heart, and the places I feel powerful. I want to speak about what I want and need in no uncertain terms, with no attachment to outcome.

    And I guess I can relax. Because, as Matthew and Orna love to say (and many others, too) – you can’t say or do the wrong thing with the right guy.

    I honestly don’t believe I’ve done or said anything wrong. And I don’t think that I am about to. But I want to be as authentic and true to myself as I can. If he “gets it,” fine. If not, then the encounter served its purpose, and I can move on. I don’t need to force anything, or “do” anything to make something happen…that’s not the way it will feel good.



  57.  #57Daria on February 20, 2013 at 11:56 pm

    Heart – oh i feel so excited about that! it’s something that’s changed my life for the so much better forever

    its Rori’s choice of seeing life as:

    Neutral – so you’re always afraid on guard for what might happen or go wrong or in my case jump from around the corner, behind my back, or smack from in front of me when i move fast

    Against you – so now rather than afraid, you’re actually defending and fighting your way thru life – yeah ive done this too

    or Life LOVES YOU – and supports you and is always wanting to give you what you want !!!

    (without tricking you or hurting you or not giving you enough or requiring something of you – which are some of my fears)

    I just started CHOOSING to believe that, and gently returning to that everytime i got aware of thinking in one of the other 2 ways…

    and im feeling happier and happier ! and more loved… and powerful !



  58.  #58Tereana on February 20, 2013 at 11:59 pm

    Hm….about Rori’s article, I really like the question that Angela brings up. It’s a good one that resonates with me, because I often feel the same way, too. Like right now, even. Telling myself, I can’t be in a relationship because I’m “not ready.” I have too many money problems. My housing situation is a mess. I’m not this, I’m not that. Whatever. Blah blah blah. And for some people, those might be real reasons not to do it. Maybe even for me. Maybe those aren’t “nasty voices.” But at the same time – does the Universe care? In the “grand scheme” of the Universe, etc., are all of those things that I think are really important – really important? Or are those just the things I use as “excuses” to put off doing what it is that I really want to do with myself, my life. ARgh.

    Carpe diem!!!!



  59.  #59Daria on February 21, 2013 at 12:00 am

    ‘Eshu Amania [4:49] lyrics
    Eshu is one of the main deities of the Yoruba tradition from Nigeria. He is a trickster who often pairs perspectives that are opposed but are also right from each party’s vantage point. Although sometimes a difficult process, the hope is to lead his pupils to emotional maturity and compassion. The image Eshu appeared to me in a dream dancing and playing reggae guitar in my backyard with a haunting female vocal in the background. He came as an african man dressed in all white with a confident jovial attitude. The rock section came to me in subsequent dream where I was in a studio looking at the monitor with some friends while working on the song. The jungle percussion beat with the rock riff emerged there and I was told that’s what the song needed to get people moving. After scrambling for my guitar and scribbling in my journal when I woke up, I was able to recreate what I heard in these dreams as best I could with “Eshu Amania”. ‘

    ~ John Zay



  60.  #60Daria on February 21, 2013 at 12:01 am

    “Sweet Belly

    O Baubo,

    Greek belly goddess

    who laughed away Demeter’s despair,

    headless

    you live without regret

    your hips, your limbs, your belly

    lead you —

    look at me through nipple eyes

    psychic eyes

    that sense fear, anger, cold, noise

    arousal —

    speak to me

    from the deep mine between your legs

    that tells truth unadorned

    unencumbered, sacred, sensual

    that breathes full and long

    and feels, feels, feels

    sensations unknown —

    tell your stories of the fertile earth

    the muck of the psyche,

    dirty jokes and belly laughs

    that loose all control.

    O Baubo

    dirty, belly goddess

    come laugh with me and be my love

    and we shall

    life’s pleasures know.

    – a poem by Al DeGenova, 1997”



  61.  #61Daria on February 21, 2013 at 12:01 am

    this is helping me “get” marriage!

    i get it i get it!



  62.  #62Heart on February 21, 2013 at 12:02 am

    Daria – thank you….I’m going to try it…

    I feel giggly!

    Life LOVES me!



  63.  #63Emerson on February 21, 2013 at 12:04 am

    Hi all I posted in the last thread oopsies

    I corresponded with a new cd I met online yay!
    I also talked to exoticCD and I feel less pressure now that I have another man on the horizon.

    My new cd is cute and patient and mellow… I will call him jayzCD … He is hot!



  64.  #64Emerson on February 21, 2013 at 12:05 am

    I feel brave and able to be authentic …
    I feel calm and open and unafraid to say who I am..



  65.  #65Emerson on February 21, 2013 at 12:07 am

    Umm I do feel a bit scared of my sexual needs right now… ExoticCD is sexy and I could easily have sex with him but I’m not going to.



  66.  #66Heart on February 21, 2013 at 12:22 am

    oh Nasty voice…

    you’re something else you know that…
    I love the way your aways there to remind me not to get my hopes up…
    I like how Certain you seem to be about everything…
    Everyday is DOOMsday with you nasty voice…
    Cheers



  67.  #67Heart on February 21, 2013 at 12:24 am

    I look at spot at work today…
    and remembered I used to drop to the floor on that spot whike thinking about Manboy…
    now Manboy is like a speck in my memory…

    Wow…reality check…



  68.  #68Heart on February 21, 2013 at 12:25 am

    I feel scared….
    I feel scared Rori might be wrong…



  69.  #69Heart on February 21, 2013 at 12:26 am

    Romancecd is so sweet…why can’t I just give him a chance?



  70.  #70Daria on February 21, 2013 at 12:32 am

    she shared her heart and he shared his head

    hmmm

    her womb and his ‘head’ they made a heart / hearts

    now he can laugh/love and she can choose

    hmmm

    babysteps to getting



  71.  #71Heart on February 21, 2013 at 12:41 am

    Im aware now that this is just a dynamic…feelings change they morph

    I’m healing…CudG was a much better match for me than manboy
    I wonder who the next guy would be..



  72.  #72Daria on February 21, 2013 at 2:36 am

    i feel sad n i feel happy



  73.  #73Heart on February 21, 2013 at 3:21 am

    I feel bored…i feel snack-ish



  74.  #74Heart on February 21, 2013 at 3:22 am

    I feel excited…
    I feel empowered



  75.  #75Heart on February 21, 2013 at 3:25 am

    I feel a sense of hysteria risin from my throat…ftom my chest.

    I want to laugh like a hyena..

    I feel this stab of pain in my heart ..I feel sad to leave here….
    I feel sleepy….
    *cat yawn*

    I feel like a juicy feeling creature…



  76.  #76Daria on February 21, 2013 at 4:15 am

    I miss Rori’s words… I feel a desire to feel comforted…

    I miss feeling comforted w my mom

    i’m feeling more and more close to her

    i’m feeling more and more aware and brave to feel feelings i’ve blocked when i notice i jump into talking to myself in my head again



  77.  #77Heart on February 21, 2013 at 4:21 am

    I feel comforted by Rori’s words too…
    when I’m reading Rori I feel good…



  78.  #78Femininewoman on February 21, 2013 at 4:44 am

    This chakra threading exercise is really energizing.

    http://mindvalleyacademy.com/library/mindvalley-meditation-pack/audio-1



  79.  #79Daria on February 21, 2013 at 4:49 am

    thanks for sharing FeminineWoman… and.. i feel a bit lost … is it one of the links/programs that show up when i click the link ?



  80.  #80Ernest Dempsey on February 21, 2013 at 4:53 am

    In regards to the main letter of this article, Rori is spot on with her thoughts on dating practice. The only way for you to get to know your true self and how you will interact with other people is to get out there and do it.
    For many years, I’ve said that people who home school their children have problems interacting once they are thrust into the workforce or into a career field. They have trouble understanding what other people find acceptable and melding it with who they are and want to be.
    Rather than being “hard to get,” dating some different people will give you a feel for what you want and what you want to be. Obviously, every person you go out with isn’t going to work out. And that is okay! Look at the dating world like it’s an ice cream shop. Instead of 31 flavors, there are literally billions. And just like I can’t force your favorite flavor to be chocolate, you can’t force an attraction or a chemistry. It just has to be there. Does that mean that your “flavor” is not good? Of course not! It simply means that person prefers something else and that is perfectly okay because there will be someone out there who prefers your flavor. Hope this helps from a guy’s point of view. 🙂



  81.  #81Turquoise on February 21, 2013 at 5:07 am

    Good morning sirens. I had a very detailed dream that C and I got back together and got engaged. It was one of those dreams where you remember all these details…. I feel a little off, wondering why I dreamt that. He was funny and gave me this frog ring that made noise as a joke, and then a ring with an angel on it. Both were really big, more like a statue or piece of art. He didn’t tell me he loved me in the dream, but that he definitely wanted us to be together. The girls were very happy, but we didn’t want to tell his mom. He couldn’t wait to tell friends. I wonder what my subconscious is trying to tell me.



  82.  #82Heart on February 21, 2013 at 5:34 am

    I had a weird dream too…I dream CudG called out to me …and we were near a train station or park but he called me by the nickname my family calls me so I felt really shocked…

    (Also in the same dream a guy I had a date with was there by the stairs or something…I was really surprised to see him too…)



  83.  #83Heart on February 21, 2013 at 5:37 am

    What do you think it means…..

    Also…when we’re together in real life…CudG doesn’t call me by my name…not even the nickname he uses for me in emails…
    He doesn’t address me by anything…

    I was like that tooo in the beginning…I felt-I dunno …Shy? to use his name….but that has changed..I know it’s a little bizzare…

    Any input on this?



  84.  #84Rosa on February 21, 2013 at 5:41 am

    I have always been scared of being alone, and feeling like i get abandoned all the time , this is was hard for me for awhile, then i decided ” i can do this, i will be okay by myself. and it does”nt bother me as much to be alone like it used to , but i am still hurting deep in side over this x bf. he plays his game, get me close to him then drops me .. stays away for awhile, comes back around and the cycle repeats its self , i just wanna scream ,. how do i tell him this is hurting me inside to get him to understand how i feel and want i want and desire .?



  85.  #85Heart on February 21, 2013 at 5:46 am


  86.  #86Mercedes on February 21, 2013 at 5:54 am

    Elsie: I wasn’t online last night but are you okay today? I don’t think we can always know what it is that triggers those feelings but it’s okay. We panic sometimes and get scared and that’s okay.

    I understand that you can’t circular date right now (and you are correct, that would be my advice) but can you cd yourself? Can you do things for YOU that make you feel good and has nothing to do with him? Even if you can’t go out, can you spend some time just completely taking care of yourself?

    Also, do you meditate? Try maybe spending some time in peace and solitude with your own prayers and visualizations of your wonderful life (again, I recommend these visualizations have nothing to do with him right now). Maybe you could consider imagining the perfect life for you outside of a man.

    One other thing…do you use a gratitude journal? If not, I highly recommend it! I started using one many, many years ago when I saw it on Oprah and it was incredibly hard at first (she recommends finding 10 things each day that you are grateful for and sometimes ten seemed impossible). I also recommend your journal have nothing to do with him.

    Now…I’m not saying your perfect life doesn’t include him. What I’m saying is I don’t think you know what your perfect life is when it is only about you. I think right now you feel like you NEED him to have an amazing life of your own. I don’t believe that. I do believe that he could be the icing on the cake of your perfect life but I don’t believe your perfect life must include him. I would like to see you believe that too. I would love to hear of you being happy….just happy…with or without someone else. Because if you can accomplish that, you will take the pressure off of him for making you happy (which is too much pressure for any man) and you will relax and will be in a much better place to receive him without any drama or fear or anxiety. If you can find your happiness and your dream life and invite him to join you in that if he wants to, then you will have discovered a most amazing way to be and to live.

    Blessings to you…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  87.  #87Heart on February 21, 2013 at 6:01 am

    From a dream dictionary:

    Someone saying your name can mean that you’re perceiving the focus to be on you, or you are thinking about someone communicating with you or trying to get your attention.

    so true…



  88.  #88Heart on February 21, 2013 at 6:03 am

    But…why doesn’t he call me by my name in real life?



  89.  #89Heart on February 21, 2013 at 6:08 am

    where is everyone…



  90.  #90Mercedes on February 21, 2013 at 6:13 am

    Heart: My ex-husband was like that too. He never really called me anything at all. I don’t know why that was. It seems kind of strange to me but interesting. I have no answers for that. J refers to me by my first initial. Always has. And I call him J in real life too. It actually feels kind of weird when we say each other’s full name. He actually does it so often that most of our friends call me by my first initial only. I actually wonder if many of them even know what my real name is. lol

    That was just rambling and I have no idea what I was trying to say. Just that I’m here today and I also know about being with a man who doesn’t use my name. But that I don’t know why that would be. If I still liked him at all I would ask him but I really don’t feel like talking to him unless I have to…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  91.  #91Heart on February 21, 2013 at 6:18 am

    ♬ con los teroristas

    *shakes* la la la

    la la la la *shakes*

    *drops* (and do that harlem shake)

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Eeeeeeeeek Yayayayayyaaaaaaaa Oooooh Laaaaaaa
    Ciiiiiiiiiircular Daaaaaaaaaate Feeeeelings
    Paaaaaaint YOURSELF In LOVE ^_^☆



  92.  #92Heart on February 21, 2013 at 6:23 am

    lol Mercerdes …well it’s good to know it’s not so uncommon…I feel curious about it though



  93.  #93Mercedes on February 21, 2013 at 6:46 am

    Heart – I do too…now that you have me thinking about it, I wonder…why would my ex not refer to me by any name? What did he call me at work or with his guy friends? “Her”? lol I wonder if he calls his lady now by her name…

    I do like how J and I do it. It feels kind of intimate or something.

    🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  94.  #94Mercedes on February 21, 2013 at 6:52 am

    It is 8:52am here and I’ve used the word “actually” at least a hundred times today. I need to watch that. It appears to be turning into a habit. Or maybe I just need to proofread… :-/

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  95.  #95Shar Lean Way Back on February 21, 2013 at 6:57 am

    K2012 , Not sure if anyone answered from previous thread, one way I’ve heard Rori mention to downgrade the man (so to speak) is to imagine your on a podium, think Olympics, you are the gold and look down a little to the silver. That is the way I interpeted it.



  96.  #96Heart on February 21, 2013 at 7:18 am

    lol Shar…Rori is so funny sometimes…



  97.  #97Mercedes on February 21, 2013 at 7:24 am

    I Googled: “why doesn’t he call me by my name” and found a TON of women in the same boat. Not much advice out there for it but surprisingly a lot of women experience this. Wow…who knew…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  98.  #98Mercedes on February 21, 2013 at 7:25 am

    The advice is mostly to ask him about it or tell him it bothers you, etc. Doesn’t look like many women have gone ahead and asked him. Or maybe they’ve asked and even the men don’t know why they do it. lol



  99.  #99Heart on February 21, 2013 at 7:28 am

    yes Mercerdes I googled it too but no real reason was given.



  100.  #100Heart on February 21, 2013 at 7:29 am

    I didnt find that many though…just a few on yahoo questions & answers…



  101.  #101Heart on February 21, 2013 at 7:30 am

    it doesn’t really bother me….

    Weirdly…I find it to be like some strange form of intimacy…



  102.  #102Heart on February 21, 2013 at 7:36 am

    Actually I didnt use google…I used yahoo…



  103.  #103Mercedes on February 21, 2013 at 7:37 am

    Ahhh….I tried to post what I thought would work (not actual links but the names of the sites) and it still didn’t go through. probably because of how many times I used the word “com”. There were eight different websites in my top 10.

    It didn’t bother me when my ex did it either but just seemed a little odd. Makes me curious what would be difficult about that. Is your man introverted and shy? My ex was. I wonder if it has something to do with being uncomfortable with intimacy or something like that? I don’t know…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  104.  #104Heart on February 21, 2013 at 7:45 am

    No CudG isn’t shy or introverted.



  105.  #105Heart on February 21, 2013 at 7:48 am

    but…he used to be as a teenager…



  106.  #106Mercedes on February 21, 2013 at 7:53 am

    ok…well it’s not that then. lol Humans are funny…so many differences and similarities and things that make us go “hmmmm….”



  107.  #107MovingMagic on February 21, 2013 at 7:55 am

    Wow, so much abundance is flowing my way. Abundance in love, creative opportunities, dance, yogic teachings, money, & men. Staying open/receptive is a beautiful, beautiful thing.



  108.  #108MovingMagic on February 21, 2013 at 7:58 am

    I like having nicknames for the men I’m involved with. It helps me to feel connected, & smiley. Almost like our own little, inside joke. 🙂



  109.  #109MovingMagic on February 21, 2013 at 8:09 am

    Yes!! An Arsenio Hall reference. 🙂



  110.  #110Heart on February 21, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Arsenio hall reference? where?



  111.  #111MovingMagic on February 21, 2013 at 8:19 am

    Mercedes just said “Things that make you go hmmmmm.” Totally made me think of Arsenio Hall. 😉



  112.  #112Dominique on February 21, 2013 at 8:28 am

    To add my experiences, I have never called any man I’ve been in a relationship with by name, or rarely, only when needing to get his attention from afar.

    K doesn’t call me by name either except when introducing me or when talking about me with others.

    We don’t even have an special pet names for each other either. I have at times thought it might be strange, yet it has not bothered me.

    He calls me without words, by the look in his eyes, with his energy, and that’s more than good enough for me. I love this.

    xxoo



  113.  #113Emerson on February 21, 2013 at 8:30 am

    I love Arsenio!

    Today I feel brave. I feel I can express myself and also go out there and get what I want. I can express myself to my CDs and I can go ou there and change my job to what I want. I don’t have to be stuck in a rut!



  114.  #114Tam on February 21, 2013 at 8:38 am

    haha. I had an awful evening yesterday.
    But eventually, I let out my frustration with being authentic and kind of cheeky also.
    I was frustrated about something with my friend: told her. She exploded as usual. After the second email going: ‘but but but you should, you should, you should, I have such a stressful life and you should fit in with me, I have a dog, I have a husband BLA BLA BLA’ ….I didn’t read it anymore….couldn’t be bothered.
    She needs to calm down. All I asked for was more notice than a few hours and not going out for drinks at 3-4pm…as that doesn’t work for me.
    Interesting when you spend your life people pleasing and suddenly you stop, you stop walking on eggshells and tending to their flamboyant demanding personalities, and ask for compromises and to be treated as an adult, some freak. Just totally freak.
    Well.

    Then I went out by myself. A guy I know sits down next to me and tells me how beautiful he is and that the women flock to him…and that I should get a hair cut. I was fuming inside, and just started ignoring him. Lo and behold, a woman turns up and gives him her card…too funny!!!

    Then I missed MrP for a bit. And I thought, ha, I am going to do something that I haven’t done. I shall tell him!! So I sent a message as an answer to the one he sent me on fb (so I can see whether he has seen it)….saying ‘I miss you a little’. Nothing came back. I knew that also, that in itself didn’t bother me. In fact, it was funny because if I had written ‘the Heat lost their game tonight’, he’d have answered in a millisecond. I knew it though. Whatever, it felt good to let it out and go on my merry way.

    And then I did something else….very bad…but it felt so mischievous…hahaha. I texted the guy who went through great lengths planning our date and how he would take me to the opera and bla bla..and then he never called…and I saw his name in my contacts…and before deleting him, wrote to him something like ‘I am growing grey hairs waiting to be taken to the opera…ha ha ha’
    It felt so good to acknowledge that he was full of bs and that I find it funny now, and I do.

    So I let it all hang out as it were…and today all is ok really. Kind of. Could be worse.
    I feel amused.
    🙂
    Feeling headachy and tired though…..I wore myself out yesterday..hehe.



  115.  #115Tam on February 21, 2013 at 8:43 am

    The name thing is very interesting actually.
    Hardly any of my guys ever called me by my full first name.
    Curly calls me ‘the big T’ …which is funny because I am pretty tiny.
    MrP used to call me a pet name which is made with my last name…and when he started it all our common friends now call me that too, which is funny. He doesn’t know how to pronounce my full name properly, he does it in the American way when he introduces me and I need to correct him all the time…even after 2 years.
    Usually people call me by my full first name that don’t know me very well…in the UK they used to call me ‘Tam’ and in the States, often just ‘T’…
    can it be any shorter? lol

    Honestly, I don’t think any of my boyfriends ever called me by my name. Ha. I never thought of that!



  116.  #116Annie on February 21, 2013 at 8:52 am

    For me meditation has nothing to do with visualization.

    It is where I go into myself, stop thinking, follow my feelings to the point of getting to a state of higher consciousness and awareness where thought disappear and I am at the state of true being rather than thinking and experience the feeling of Bliss.

    If I am visualizing I am thinking so am not able to be in this place.

    It feels incredible when I am in the place of being and experience the feeling of Bliss.



  117.  #117Annie on February 21, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Some people do this through vedic meditation and Mantra.

    I bypass the mantra stage and just get there, feels difficult to explain how.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wImaO6mTXNk



  118.  #118Heart on February 21, 2013 at 8:57 am

    Tam….but a least they called you something right?



  119.  #119Annie on February 21, 2013 at 8:58 am

    And if shared with another person it is the ultimate.

    Have had said to me afterwards when this has happened, It just doesn’t get any better than that.
    And it really doesn’t that connected shared joy and bliss.



  120.  #120Annie on February 21, 2013 at 9:06 am

    haha, my name/s change moment by moment. lol Depending on who I am with and what they call me in the moment 🙂 Some feel good and some not so good.



  121.  #121Tam on February 21, 2013 at 9:10 am

    117 yes Heart…he has to call you ‘something’..right?
    There will be a situation when it happens..



  122.  #122Annie on February 21, 2013 at 9:14 am

    It’s the tone of voice and the way they say whatever the name and how it makes me feel.

    For instance even the word b55555tch in delivered in a playful tone from the right person can feel fun and good. It’s the intent and energy behind how it is delivered and how it feels to the receiver.



  123.  #123Femininewoman on February 21, 2013 at 9:16 am

    Mercedes I tried out Future Visioning. It is a method that includes visualizing your dreams in 3D using all your emotions. To me it is similar to Arielle Ford’s Feelization. Very powerful method.



  124.  #124Turquoise on February 21, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Hi Sirens, I just recently heard how important it is to use names. I don’t remember exactly why, but that its important to identity and for a person to feel seen and valued. When I leave a message I usually say “hi joe. It’s turquoise. ” and then proceed with my message. In texts I sometimes type it, and sweetheart, who may have been feeling someone invisible, commented that he loved it. He uses mine too, but we also do the dear, honey, etc. too.



  125.  #125Femininewoman on February 21, 2013 at 9:32 am

    I see the Silva Method also uses a Active Meditation



  126.  #126Femininewoman on February 21, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Turquoise I saw that while reading conversational hypnosis. They say one way to get people to do what you want is to use powerful words and their names are the most attractive to people. They suggest using it at the beginning and ending of your communication, especially when writing.



  127.  #127Emerson on February 21, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Tam 113 it’s all good…sometimes you have to let it out. I’ve messaged recycledCD something similar to the I miss you message in the past and got no reply or a very delayed one and its ok.
    I also know what you mean about settin the boundary with your friend. One of my friends is really casual about time and won’t commit so I’ve been left waiting a few times. Now I only see her if she meets me where I am and I don’t count on it.
    Sorry your friend freaked out.

    I really need to change my job situation and I feel it’s time to get serious about it. I need to decide where I want to be as I’m town between two local regions. I need to decide! I’m so indecisive about it.



  128.  #128Jilly on February 21, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Hi Sirens!! 🙂

    I came over to check out the new post…and it felt really good and soft to read. I have to admit I have gotten a little out of practice of staying soft. 🙁 I honestly think it’s all my “new” hormones and all the changes in my life right now. So coming here is a good reminder and practice to stay soft and feminine. 🙂

    Here is the update: We are currently on Oahu visiting my sister and Rugby Man checked out the job opportunities here and he was actually offered a good job with full benefits in his profession!!!!! What!!??!!

    We are planning on moving to Oahu in the next month (after the wedding!!)) This is absolutely a dream come true…this is what I’ve always wanted!! ALL of my big dreams are coming true…

    If someone had told me 2 years ago where I would be now I would have said, “NO WAY!!”



  129.  #129Emerson on February 21, 2013 at 9:43 am

    I feel it’s important to use names and yes I’ve noticed some men don’t address me by name that I’ve dated. RecycledCD called me by a pet name that we both actually used for each other lol… I do miss that.

    My toxicEx called me by name but also had a pet name for me.

    My new CDs call me by name so far…

    I want one more cd right now I have two 🙂



  130.  #130LoveAlways on February 21, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Hi Sirens
    just had an epiphany. I realized today that I am very much in love with this man and that the next step is for me to fall more in love with myself now. Leaning back enough not to over function but what is more important is that I stay open, in touch with my feelings and soft on the outside. I don’t have to DO anything! I feel this now. And my boy energy has to stay employed “doing” for my girl energy, and thus, taking the steps to show and being more in love with myself!



  131.  #131LoveAlways on February 21, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Jilly that is fabulous!!



  132.  #132Femininewoman on February 21, 2013 at 9:46 am

    I just heard the results of a study. Women us 20,000 words per day while men use 7,000



  133.  #133Rori Raye on February 21, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Rosa – Welcome, and I’ve turned your question and my answer into a long post – so look for it with the keyword “abandoned”….basically – I want you to know that this has nothing to do with HIM. It’s all to do with YOU and your life-long patterns of LOOKING for situations in love where you will most seriously not be wanted and for sure feel ‘abandoned.” You can fix this! Coaching and my programs are the key…for a coach, I’d recommend Dominique at http://www.sexandheart.com. She knows all about this abandonment experience, and can help you get yourself on track. – and please start with my ebook and practice all the Tools, it’ll make you feel more confident and skilled. Love, Rori



  134.  #134Annie on February 21, 2013 at 9:52 am

    lol. And some men still just grunt 🙂



  135.  #135MovingMagic on February 21, 2013 at 9:56 am

    My dad calls me “Tiny Dancer”. I love that. It’s even my ringtone when I call him. 🙂



  136.  #136Femininewoman on February 21, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Awesome Jilly. I feel happy for you that you found a great man.



  137.  #137Tam on February 21, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Thank you Emerson!!
    Yes, he won’t answer my missing you a little – message. He is logical to extremes, it needs no answer and wasn’t looking for one. He is not a man who would say ‘miss you too’ ever, to anyone lol. But I know he misses me too..else he wouldn’t search for ways of contact all the time. We just can’t do relationship, and that has to be the bottom line here.
    I feel similarly about jobs…i need to make some major decisions in the next few weeks…not easy.
    And yes, my friend also often let me wait….and she always decided where we were going. I never have a say. I used to put up with it as she has the car. But honestly, I am fed up. And of the negativity generally around her. I do have a better time going alone often, so that should tell me something.

    Sigh.
    All good, eh?!



  138.  #138Jilly on February 21, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Thank you! I feel so full excitement I want to shout from the rooftops 🙂

    Thanks for letting me share with you guys! Until papers are signed I hesitate a little to tell everyone I know we are moving…but it’s so super exciting!

    I feel happy about living in a place that has warm temperatures, a lot of sun and being by the ocean. There is something the feels so refreshing and renewing about the ocean…



  139.  #139Tam on February 21, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Jilly you’re quite the inspiration!



  140.  #140Shar Lean Way Back on February 21, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Jilly, this is fantastic ! Maybe you could tell us how LOA worked in all this. 🙂



  141.  #141k2012 on February 21, 2013 at 10:12 am

    If a man doesn’t call, if he doesn’t step up, if he doesn’t do what he’s supposed to do (and this man told Diana he KNEW what to do for a woman, so there was no denying he understood what he was supposed to do) then raise YOUR degree of difficulty, raise YOUR status in YOUR OWN eyes, and downgrade HIM. (Omg, high five for this).

    When you Circular Date, you INSTANTLY raise your degree of difficulty. When you refuse to be “exclusive” or be a girlfriend to a man who hasn’t committed himself to you fully, you are raising your degree of difficulty. Let me show you how to Circular Date, step by step, here:

    Targeting Mr. Right. We are women. We are amazing creatures – and almost all men feel that way.

    WE are the highest degree of difficulty triple-flip off the diving platform.

    WE are the prize, the light at the end of a man’s dark tunnel. (Pram Pram, indeed, indeed)

    WE are what he wants. (That’s right)

    And if he doesn’t CONTINUE – after the 3 months have passed – to look at you as the prize, the light and the gold medal, then he doesn’t deserve your thoughts, your feelings, your energy – or your loyalty.” (Hallejuah, Omg, I am cracking up, I just love this. Honestly, this is one of my favourite newsletters ladies, trust me. I am serious. It makes me feel POWERFUL. Trust me. Its that simple. We are not going to tolerate bad treatment from men. The first three months don’t count-saw this in another part of the letter. This is what Steve Harvey will call a 90 day probationery period and he says during this time, u are not to give away the “cookie.” Haaaaaaaaa!!!!! U know what that is right? Woi! I am weak (manner of speaking). But guess what now, listen to this, some men want the cookie on the first date. Lol. Bright dem bright! (My dialect). Omg. My belly. Can u imagine? Ur first day on the “job” and want the cookie on the first date? Lol and u don’t even know if u are gonna be “confirmed” or “appointed” in the position and u want the benefits on the first day? Wow. I am cracking up. No sah. I am never tired of reading this particular newsletter. No serious, it deep. In fact, I delete these newsletters, my inbox is filled with them. It makes me feel powerful. Indeed.



  142.  #142Emerson on February 21, 2013 at 10:14 am

    137 yes all good tam…
    I feel a bit lost but also know that it’s because of me and my lack of decision making. I really don’t know where to go from here. I’ve accomplished a lot of goals educationally and with some work stuff, but I’m still not where I need to be financially. Not sure how to shift that. Maybe right now I’m supposed to stay with my status quo…I hate my work schedule though….



  143.  #143Emerson on February 21, 2013 at 10:15 am

    128 Jilly that is amazing!!!!!



  144.  #144Tam on February 21, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Emerson, sometimes the decisions make themselves after a while…I found that when I don’t try so hard, things sometimes just happen. Mind you, right now I am facing a conundrum that does indeed demand solid decision making and I am dithering, as it would mean a total life change yet again….but one that could result in a more stable life, albeit not my first place of choice.
    If I leave here, it also puts an end to a lot of half finished business, for example the MrP situation. That would be all over with a bang.
    And not a bad thing. Hmmm.
    I suspect this will happen as due to job/visa situation I am probably forced to leave next month. And then once again the situation made the decision for me.



  145.  #145k2012 on February 21, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Correction: I don’t delete these newsletters. I have a question. When u “downgrade” a man, quoting from the newsletter in my post above, exactly what do u do? Anyone know? I would appreciate a response. Thanks. Dominique and Lori, (335 and 334) I saw your response from previous thread. Thanks



  146.  #146MovingMagic on February 21, 2013 at 10:30 am

    That’s so awesome Jilly! I feel so excited for you & where you’re at. 🙂



  147.  #147Mercedes on February 21, 2013 at 10:34 am

    FW: 123 – I love that idea! I want to try it!! For me, I’m either meditating or visualizing or a cross between the two or writing out my meditations (prayers??) as they come to me. Although the meditation where I completely clear my mind and just sit (Za Zen meditation) is very, very difficult for me. I’m practicing that one a lot and hope to continue to develop the practice and get better and better at it as it does bring me the most peace and relaxation when I actually get there. Sometimes I really do like to just plain visualize though…like directed daydreaming. 🙂 It feels good and fun!

    I’m going to look up Future Visioning though…that sounds sooooo cool! Thank you!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  148.  #148Mercedes on February 21, 2013 at 10:35 am

    Jilly: I lived in Hilo for about a year after I graduated from high school. It is sooooo awesome there. Everything about it….burned into my heart and soul. Enjoy every single moment.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  149.  #149MovingMagic on February 21, 2013 at 10:37 am

    K2, your postings always bring a smile to my face. 🙂



  150.  #150MovingMagic on February 21, 2013 at 10:46 am

    To me downgrading is about whether I’m feeling good with the level of contact/how much energy I’m feeling coming my way. If I don’t feel much coming my way I’m not knocking them off my horse…yet I’m certainly not clinging to them either. 😉



  151.  #151Turquoise on February 21, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Omg Jilly!!!!!! Wow, I’m so happy you are creating and receiving the life you want. You sooooo are an inspiration.

    By the way, I checked out your pics on FB when I saw you were in Hawaii…. Rugby man is yummy! 🙂



  152.  #152Rosa on February 21, 2013 at 11:42 am

    rori, ihave allowed him to comtinue to play head games with me and when i have called him out on it , he denies it like really quickly and gets defensive. , he does not like it when i hang out with his best friend by my self, but has no problem saying, well i know you both have needs, so you have mmy permission to have sex.. i am like ohh heck no,, ycause i am still in love with him and its driving me crazy.. he himself is driving me crazy in a bad way, not a good way, itsl like i wont date or meet other men till i can heal and get over him first , even though i am just a booty call for him when ever he wants it ,.. GOD,, i hate this, it soo confusing to me , i just thinkj i need some serious mental hep lol …



  153.  #153Senior Lady Vibe on February 21, 2013 at 11:56 am

    @Rori Raye says:
    Trying to know what to do and what to say and how to behave is exhausting.
    Much better is to practice trusting yourself by practicing Tools and seeing how things feel – instead of being glued to outcomes…”

    Hi Rori, wise words. I’ve also read and like your thought that “you are enough.” I say go with that and learn anything else, if you want to, as you go along.

    SLV
    xoxo



  154.  #154Tam on February 21, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    So MrP did reply. He asked me if I would like to go to a certain sports event when he returns from his skiing trip.
    It’s kind of cute, and in some way…a strange way, I feel heard. Since in my email a week back I cited the lack of activities as the reason for the demise of friendship (and I even mentioned the things he’s been homing in on now,
    like that sports stuff and the boating)

    Well, it will be all change when he gets back, and I might be almost gone anyway…but it does feel nice to feel heard.



  155.  #155k2012 on February 21, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    149-thanks movingmagic. 96-Shar, thinking about what “downgrading a man” means. When I thought about it, to me it means that if u were looking at a man as a prospective boyfriend or maybe he is even your boyfriend already, u reduce the importance u place on him. So u could have started calling him ur boyfriend, if things are not working and u downgrade him, u basically demote him from boyfriend to friend. In other words, put him in the friend zone which is where I placed overseas cd after 3 or 4 attempts at speaking to him about not calling, failed, I decided to say nothing more on the matter and just downgrade him or demote him to friend. His position was of course a cd. So in my opinion, u can downgrade a boyfriend or a cd. Just like how disappearing ex downgraded me (without my knowledge, I overheard him talking as I previously told u) to “one of his girlfriends”. I was downgraded from “girlfriend” to “one of my girlfriends.”



  156.  #156k2012 on February 21, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    155- I hope I got the interpretation right. If that is not what it means, will someone please tell me. I just want to make sure I am following the advice the correct way. Thanks.



  157.  #157Tam on February 21, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Aw. I thought my authentic ‘miss you a little’ would make him run. And I was ok with it. But he came towards me. I expressed (despite reservations but it might not happen anyway), that it woulf feel lovely to go, especially as I most likely will be on my way out of the country later in March. He wrote back straight away saying ‘good deal – I’ll be back before then’. Aw. It’s of course too little waaaaay too late. But it still makes me feel happy in some way.



  158.  #158Senior Lady Vibe on February 21, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    @152: Rosa

    This tool from “Rosa” might be helpful to you:
    (from Rosa to Rosa… maybe it’s a sign…)

    A Great Tool From Rosa – The Stop Sign
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/a-great-tool-from-rosa-the-stop-sign/

    SLV
    xoxo



  159.  #159Tam on February 21, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    I feel happy about our little communication moment just then, he was sending me smiley faces to round it off…but there is also huge sadness mixed in. Because I know it will never ‘go anywhere’. Well, maybe it is just not meant to go anywhere.
    Someone else will show up eventually, and in the meantime there is Curly to keep me entertained 😉



  160.  #160Turquoise on February 21, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    Tam, are you going home?



  161.  #161Turquoise on February 21, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    Sirens,

    Don’t forget about your universe boxes! I found mine on my desk at work today, and added some more specific requests. I did get love, but maybe I needed to be clear about a little more info. of what I want? We shall see if the law of attraction keeps working for me!



  162.  #162Tam on February 21, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    Looks like it Turquoise, unless there is a last minute drastic change. I will accept what happens rather than keep fighting a losing battle. I might have a few bad days till the acceptance but it will be fine.
    I would plan to go back to the UK. Which I do love. So all will work out somehow.



  163.  #163Turquoise on February 21, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    would you like to stay in Florida? What needs to work out for that to happen? A job?



  164.  #164Senior Lady Vibe on February 21, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Rori Raye says:
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/guidelines-for-posting/

    “TECHNICAL COPYRIGHT RULE:

    I get into serious copyright trouble if anyone prints articles by someone else on this blog as a comment. (When I print guest posts – I get absolute permission from the writer.) So…

    I’d appreciate it if you’d do it this way:

    *If you receive a letter from a relationship expert, or read a great blog post of theirs – PLEASE don’t copy and paste it whole into a comment – instead:

    1. Choose a few lines to quote, put it in quote marks, and then…

    2. Link to the page on the site where you found the article or post or letter.

    3. If it’s a newsletter, and it’s not to be found on a site you can link to, then use your favorite quotes (just a few lines, please) and add a link to the writer’s website if you like, or just no link.

    Thank you so much, I appreciate your sticking to this rule…

    (If you ever want to print one of MY articles or letters on some other site – feel free, just please put in a link back to the blog or the site – that would be great for all of us!)

    Love, Rori”
    ——————-

    SLV
    xoxo



  165.  #165Senior Lady Vibe on February 21, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    Guidelines Reframe:

    @152: Rosa
    I found this tool from “Rosa” to be helpful:
    (from Rosa to Rosa… maybe it’s a sign…)

    A Great Tool From Rosa – The Stop Sign
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/a-great-tool-from-rosa-the-stop-sign/

    SLV
    xoxo



  166.  #166Shar Lean Way Back on February 21, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    Good reminder SLV. Sometimes you have some many tools in the shed you forget some.



  167.  #167April Rose on February 21, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    Hello Ernest,

    Thank you for your posting. It feels good to be reminded of all the flavours of people and of life.



  168.  #168Senior Lady Vibe on February 21, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    @166: Shar Lean Way Back

    😀

    I like to explore the “oldies but goodies” on the Rori blog. And there are also bunches I’ve never read. There are lots of things to ponder and compare.

    SLV
    xoxo



  169.  #169Femininewoman on February 21, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    RE 79 – Yes



  170.  #170Tam on February 21, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    Hi Turquoise..all sorts of hurdles, I don’t want to go into on the blog…make it pretty impossible for me to stay longer term 🙁



  171.  #171Shar Lean Way Back on February 21, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    SLV , it’s like a bottomless pool 🙂 I only wish I could remember it all.



  172.  #172Femininewoman on February 21, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    For those interested in meditation

    http://www.omvana.com/your-free-gift



  173.  #173Jilly on February 21, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    Thank you all!! Moving Magic and Emerson… I can’t quite believe it myself…yet it feels like the next step… 🙂

    Turquoise…lol…I agree! He is very manly. I love the black and white picture of us together with the blanket. That’s my favorite one.

    Shar 🙂 …the thing that works best for me with manifesting is I always keep in mind of how I want to feel and I don’t get hung up on if I feel that way now or not. Just knowing how I ultimately want to feel. I don’t worry about what I’m attracting or not attracting. That feels really heavy. 🙂 I know Rori doesn’t believe in manifesting but looking at my life I wouldn’t know what else to call it. That being said I don’t have explanations or try to figure out why some things happen to some people. I would never say someone “attracted” it. All I know is that my recipe works really for me. 🙂 I also believe that every thing is always working out for me. Even if it doesn’t appear to be in the moment.

    Mercedes…that’s so awesome!!! I love hearing that!! Thank you…I will enjoy every moment. I don’t want to take it for granted. 🙂



  174.  #174Annie on February 21, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    When u “downgrade” a man, quoting from the newsletter in my post above, exactly what do u do? Anyone know?

    Not care if he steps up or not, not pretend you do not care, but to get to a place where you really do not care as you you are cding and Know the right man for you will want to give you and offer you what you want. So having the vibe of whatever suit yourself. It isn’t something that can be faked though. Your inside feelings of whatever has to match your outside words of whatever.
    He has to win your heart your heart is the prize not you win his heart with him being the prize.
    You do the choosing, so don’t get I the girlfriend trap or be exclusive until he is offering you everything you want.

    Any man who is treating you in a way you do not want and is not stepping up is not all that.
    He is a waste of your precious time energy and love as plenty out there who will want to offer you and give you more of what you want and you get to choose the one who has proven consistently with his actions that he wants to and is able treat you and to give you the kind of love you require want and need as the unique individual woman that you are.

    If he drops the ball, move the other way in the direction of your happiness don’t pick it up for him and be his mummy.
    If what you want is the best grown up man for you who wants to and is able to do a real lifelong loving relationship.

    And may the best man for the job win.



  175.  #175Annie on February 21, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    above for k1012



  176.  #176Annie on February 21, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    If he is a friend he isn’t a cd.

    It only works as a friend if that is truly what you want and have no romantic feelings towards him hoping he will step up.



  177.  #177Annie on February 21, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    161: Turquoise says:

    “Sirens,

    Don’t forget about your universe boxes! I found mine on my desk at work today, and added some more specific requests. I did get love, but maybe I needed to be clear about a little more info. of what I want? We shall see if the law of attraction keeps working for me!”

    I feel curious about what you mean by this.



  178.  #178Annie on February 21, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    And K2012 cding gets you to this place.



  179.  #179GlowStix on February 21, 2013 at 5:54 pm

    …..

    I feel hot cheeks and jittery and turmoil in my belly.

    I say this.

    Been saying it.

    For a long time.

    Twice now, this has happened.

    Time to own all the words that belong to me.

    I make no sense.

    I feel changed in a moment.



  180.  #180GlowStix on February 21, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    It is NOT something I learned it is my theory! Now my heart is pounding so hard my b00bies are bouncing.

    I need to get lost in reality.



  181.  #181Ulii on February 21, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    @ Heart, Mercedes, Dominique

    I am a woman who has serious trouble calling people by name, well, not all people, but mostly all the men in my life, and specially the man I like. And it´s also difficult for me to refer to him as “Handsome” or with a pet name or with any special word.. Sometimes I find myself feeling like I´m making an effort when talking about the man of my life with other people by mentioning his name. I know, a bit odd…

    It has bothered me, as I myself enjoy highly when I’m called by my name or by petnames or any nice references (and the men in my life have usually done it)…and from there conclude a man must like it and then maybe he notices a lack of something if I´m not doing it at all.

    I don´t really know why that is. I guess I was/am still quite shy and introverted. Could be something to do with that. Although I like Dominique’s point of view.



  182.  #182Ulii on February 21, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    @ 63 Emerson

    Yay! your vibe sounds great! 🙂



  183.  #183Tam on February 21, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    Ulii..this is not as strange as you think. I can relate to that. It often took me a while to call, especially men I was dating, by their names. I often found using made up/nicknames easier.
    I have no idea why.
    Hmmm.
    Some of my guys already had nicknames, to do with their surnames. MrP nobody dares to call him a nickname, but I have various ones for him depending on the mood – but the one that stuck was ‘Grumpy’. Because he has few words which makes him seem grumpy. He started using it himself, so I guessed he liked that one the most.
    I even called Curly ‘Curly’ a few times and he likes it for some reason, but I really like his real name and it is easy to pronounce…which perhaps could also be a stumbling block for you? Because there are some names that are a bit difficult for me to pronounce with English not being my first language..only VERY few, but that sometimes stopped me also. Fear of slight mispronounciation.
    Especially in Wales.
    Hm.
    I sometimes wonder whether it does have something to do with intimacy…and I wonder whether having pet names for each other actually is an attempt at bonding – which of course it is..but who starts it and so on? Very interesting.



  184.  #184Ulii on February 21, 2013 at 6:24 pm

    @ 128 Jilly!

    This feels awesome to read! So good to see things turning out so wonderfully. 🙂



  185.  #185Ulii on February 21, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    @ Tam

    Hiii! I was just checking up your posts on this thread…! 🙂
    Your bad evening sounded actually great.. in a way. …in that state of mind, sometimes we leave our guard down and do thing we wouldn´t otherwise…and that gets us being more authentic & acting from that place. Like the message to MrP… or stop the people pleasing…like telling the truth to your friend… and…I wouldn´t be surprised if that Opera guy will be answering soon too. 🙂
    I feel glad MrP answered. 🙂



  186.  #186Ulii on February 21, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    About the calling by name…yes…it is interesting subject for me.

    And what you say about pronounciation — could be partly that, yes. Although… not with most of Spanish names which I do find quite easy. But mostly I do think it´s connected with intimacy issues.

    I do see that using people’s name is a powerful tool which they know very well in marketing business. All people who want to sell somehting to me use my namequite a lot. But I see through that & it feels like startegies to me. Now speaking of unwanted publicity, not the men using my name…which I do like. 🙂

    My own name is quite complicated because it has the double vowel (long vowel in my language)..and my (mostly foreign) cd-s rarely get it. As the rest of the people. They autocorrect my name in documents without asking from me & take away one vowel & later it has happened I am in legal trouble because of it.



  187.  #187Tam on February 21, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    Aw Ulii..thank you. I am glad he answered too.
    But it still is just a guy in my life who isn’t stepping up. So no change. But nice that we can at least communicate in a more positive light maybe.
    I would take him over any man any day, but at the end of the day he is not in front of me – and he had 5 months and is leaving it for the last minute. He can still see me before his skiing holiday but chose not to.
    Compare this with someone like Curly, who was today bitterly complaining to me that he hasn’t seen me since Sunday and he is not a happy bunny.
    I know which side my bread is buttered on nowadays, and I don’t want to be starved for attention and affection anymore.
    For whatever reason, and I suspect the reason is that I am not his ‘ideal woman’, MrP won’t ever step up fully. And I am finally coming to terms with it and accepting it.
    And that has been the hardest journey because he never lets go fully. So I will just learn to live with him prodding me from a distance until, I guess, one of us bites the dust. I suspect we will be friends eventually much much later.
    Whatever happens, I gave up…



  188.  #188Ulii on February 21, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    @ Tam

    Hm…I reread my post and see that ” your bad evening sounded actually great” sounds really bad to me right now. I’m really sorry.I meant that I liked to read about it as the actions you took were cool & the results were good. I must be sleeping already as I lose all the sensitivity in language use at this hours. 🙁



  189.  #189Tam on February 21, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    aw Ulii…I understood actually 🙂



  190.  #190Tam on February 21, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    the funniest thing is I saw a comment by MrP on a friend’s pages, who announced that he is now single. And MrP’s advice was to ‘find another one as soon as possible as there are many, and then get her in the boat before the sharks get her’.
    It made me laugh a lot.
    So he knows what to do.
    Well, too bad, a shark has me already 😉



  191.  #191Ulii on February 21, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    And yes…even if not stepping up, this message exchange was sweet to read about. Just as it is. I don´t think it´s about you not being his ideal woman. I recall him speaking-thinking very highly of you (from what you have been writing before)..I think it´s more about him realising his limitations and doubting if he could make you happy…? I think all this attention to Florida blondes etc…it’s something easy to do for him. And you are not easy for him. It´s not to convince you to give him more chances or something..just that I believe you really are that ideal woman. 🙂 And I don´t want to see you thinking you’re not something enough here.



  192.  #192Ulii on February 21, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Shark being Curly?… 😀

    And…what happened to that Mr P was going to move to Europe? That’s not his plan anymore?



  193.  #193Elsie on February 21, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    @Mercedes #86 – Thank you so much for worrying about me and thinking about me. I just was feeling really anxious and nervous. I decided to re-read Rori’s Book from the very beginning and go slowly and really read each page and let words sink in. It helped.

    Thank you……



  194.  #194Tam on February 21, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    Aw Ulii..that was really sweet to read, thank you 🙂
    Who knows what the real story is.
    But you are right. We are enough.
    Whatever his story is, I am enough for ‘my man’, whoever he turns out to be…



  195.  #195Tam on February 21, 2013 at 7:03 pm

    Ulii..I haven’t spoken to him properly in 2 months, so I have no idea but yes, the plan was to move later this year, to Europe.
    I can’t see him lasting there for long, but he is pretty tenacious, so I guess he will go.



  196.  #196Elsie on February 21, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    QUESTION TO ALL – NEED ADVICE 🙂

    OK – so I’m snowed in. I have a driveway of snow that is about 16 inches. The roads are slowly getting cleared but no school tomorrow for kiddos again. Anyway – the point is that, there is no way I can shovel this driveway. I checked and to have someone do it is *gasp* 200 dollars – what?!?!! No neighborhood kids to help.

    So, I am reminded that every time my guy – wow, I need a name for him on here – how about CB – has been able to help me he always always always has. He usually suggests things and goes out of his way. Now sometimes he has his children and cant come, and thats fine, but here is my problem.

    I want to ask him to come over and shovel my driveway and help me. I truly need help. I dont know if he will be able to because of his schedule, but I am wondering how to ask this. I want to have no expectations. But I will tell you I am bitter about being in this position and just hate having to even ask because then I’m vulnerable because he can say no and then I will be crushed. I will think that I’m not worthy to have my driveway shoveled. Now, I know thats not the case, but that is how it will feel. I dont want to take any anger out on him if he cant do it.

    But my driveway is average size, and the snow is DEEP. It will take him a LONG time if he comes and does it – I can try to help him.

    HOW do I ask him? It will likely be over text if that helps anyone answer…..

    Looking forward to insightful replys from you sirens. 🙂

    Elsie



  197.  #197Tam on February 21, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    Curly just texted me that he got home and is missing me.
    These are the sort of things that mean something to me, a guy being in contact throughout the day, wanting to see me…wanting to talk to me.
    This is not my Mr Right, but he has given me a really clear picture of what I need in a man.
    And I am very grateful for that.
    Even when MrP and I were very close, I did not hear from him every day. Most days, yes, sometimes multiple times during the day….but generally nowhere near that. The need to see me never was that strong, he is often happy just by himself – as am I. But even then, it did leave me starved a little.

    And that starved feeling is not something I really want in my life anymore.



  198.  #198Tam on February 21, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    Elsie, just ask him and say that you need help.
    It is ok to ask for help.
    Almost all good men will only be too happy to help with manly stuff, it will make them feel better about themselves.
    He will soooo do it.
    I had a moment in my life where I needed help here very urgently and the closest and only person I trusted here was MrP..and I sent him a message at a total ungodly hour during a time when we were not even speaking. It didn’t take him 2 minutes to call back and be there for me.

    And I believe even Rori encourages us to ask for help. It’s a feminine thing.
    Do it.



  199.  #199Femininewoman on February 21, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    Elsie if I may be honest I am feeling shocked that you have not mentioned considering at least starting to shovel to see how much you could manage. I am wondering if the streets are buried how would he get over to your house in the first place? Does he live on your street?



  200.  #200Tam on February 21, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    FW well that is true..hehe.



  201.  #201Tam on February 21, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    Interestingly enough, I probably wouldn’t ask for help if I could do something myself even breaking my back. I am so bad at asking for help.
    I never do unless it is a total emergency situation, like a major drama.
    I want to get better at asking for help when I need it.



  202.  #202Elsie on February 21, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    @FW – The roads are bad today – they will be better by tomorrow and probably fine by Sat.

    He will shovel his driveway I’m sure. And the roads will be fine by Sat. So……he could come out (his schedule notwithstanding) by Sat. for sure.



  203.  #203Elsie on February 21, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    @FW I have to say that I felt very triggered by you saying you were “shocked” that I hadnt tried to do it myself.

    You have no idea that absolutely everything is on my shoulders. Financially, the household chores, shopping, child rearing, name it and it all falls to me. I have NO HELP. NONE. LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN – NO HELP.

    So, I’m sorry that I’m exhausted and would just like someone to please help me shovel my driveway.



  204.  #204k2012 on February 21, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    174- excellent advice Annie. I am going to email those words to myself. This part stands out the most to me- ……”and you get to choose the one who has proven consistently with his actions that he wants to and is able treat you and to give you the kind of love you require want and need as the unique individual woman that you are.

    If he drops the ball, move the other way in the direction of your happiness don’t pick it up for him and be his mummy. That’s so true. “Proven consistently with his actions”. Trust me this part is extremely important. There must be some consistency. Disappearing ex was not consistent. ” If he is a friend he isn’t a cd. U serious Annie?

    “It only works as a friend if that is truly what you want and have no romantic feelings towards him hoping he will step up”. But if u have romantic feelings towards him, it won’t matter if he steps up. In fact, u are not looking for him to step up. U downgrade him to a friend because say to yourself that “he doesn’t seem to be interested, based on his actions so I won’t consider him an option. What do u think Annie? I love this discussion.



  205.  #205Femininewoman on February 21, 2013 at 7:45 pm

    Looking at men I know, in cases like that I don’t even have to ask. Once the main roads are cleared, there is a particular one who will just come over without saying a word and just shovel and leave. The last snowstorm was about 12 inches. My neighbors were out shovelling at the same time I was. They called to me to give them a few minutes so I focussed on cleaning off the car. They came over and did the driveway and the walkway. This is something these guys have done before. Men know what to do. If not we can share how distressing and overwhelming it feels thinking about doing it or how our hearts are pounding like it wants to jump out our chests while we are doing it. And how it would feel to have some big strong muscles to help take care of it.



  206.  #206Femininewoman on February 21, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    I know Elsie I am wearing the same shoes. As a matter of fact my 14 year old son stubbornly sat on the unsnowed part of the driveway while I was shoveling after the last storm. He was there for at least an hour refusing to help.



  207.  #207k2012 on February 21, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    Correction: But if u dont have romantic feelings towards him, it won’t matter if he steps up.



  208.  #208Elsie on February 21, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    @FW – again thats GREAT for you that you have loads of men to help you.

    What Im asking is how to ask a man to help me, for those of us who dont have apparently an entire neighborhood of men rushing to do our driveways. Thanks.



  209.  #209Heart on February 21, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    Elsie – I find that men are easy when we have no agenda…
    I mean if you ask because u needed help u would most likely get it…

    but it’s coming across like you’re testing to see whether he cares for you…
    I find when I come from that place…it can backfire…and then you end up kind of hurt and confused.



  210.  #210Femininewoman on February 21, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    RE 203 – I guess I am the type who gets concerned about others possibly getting hurt in such situations having skidded on the ice myself and crashed in the past. I wouldn’t want that to happen to anyone who I might ask for help me.



  211.  #211Femininewoman on February 21, 2013 at 7:59 pm

    “I dont want to take any anger out on him if he cant do it.”

    This is tough to read.



  212.  #212Memulo on February 21, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    FW I use maybe 2k words per day:) On a good day!



  213.  #213Memulo on February 21, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    Tam are you dating online?



  214.  #214Memulo on February 21, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    Heart #209 – if he likes you it doesn’t matter much whether you have an agenda or not. Not having an agenda doesn’t help really



  215.  #215Daria on February 21, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    Elsie – I feel good treading your words to me on the last thread 🙂 I’m glad to be seen that way, vulnerable n in a good place emotionally

    I feel so tempestuous n I feel surprised to be seen as ‘in a good place’ which to me – well I guess I feel judgemental of my intensity n storminess

    I love my judgement n my feelings



  216.  #216Indigo on February 22, 2013 at 3:22 am

    Regarding the being called by my name thing,

    It feels a little cold to me when someone close to me calls me by my name. Everyone I am close to has an affectionate name for me, or else does not use my name. When they do, it’s usually when they want to be serious, or communicate some level of annoyance.

    But I find it immensely flattering when people in business, or whom I don’t know well, use my name.

    D and I used to call each other “love”. He is SO not this kind of person, and so I remember the first time I used it with him, really gently, my heart was pounding a little but I decided to go for it. It wasn’t long before he was calling me that as well. It was REALLY really cool to experience him opening up in this way. When he was being playful or funny he would call me “dear”.

    But he only used my name when he was a little annoyed. Same with my ex-husband. We very, very rarely called each other by our names.



  217.  #217Indigo on February 22, 2013 at 3:29 am

    Elsie,

    When asking for help, I have found that it usually goes over extremely well if you acknowledge that it’s an inconvenience for the other person and how grateful you would be.

    Not in a self-deprecating way, but in a soft, genuinely appreciative way.

    So something like “I’m so sorry to ask this, and I know how terrible the roads are at the moment, and so I’m concerned for your safety too, but I just cannot cope with the snow which is piled up in my driveway. It is such tough work and so heavy for me to lift the shovel, I would be so grateful if you would come and help me.”

    Basically then, you’re also not putting any guilt on him if he’s not able to come and help you, which is key. Simple, direct, communicating your difficult situation and your appreciation.

    Showing concern for the other person also shows them that you value their time and convenience, which makes people feel SO much better about helping you.

    That is what I would do.



  218.  #218Tam on February 22, 2013 at 4:28 am

    Memulo, I am not anymore online dating.
    I was doing it for almost 3 years, MrP was one of the first 2 or 3 that contacted me. I had a 6 month relationship from it and a couple of really nice flings that didn’t turn into anything.
    And I dated, and dated and dated. All types of men. I should have kept count, but I had some funny and some very nice experiences.
    I decided a few months back that I am done with it for now and never really had the urge to go back.
    This is Florida, I have been asked out at the beach, the 7/11, every other time I go out by myself I either meet men or women to chat to, sometimes the men will ask for my number etc.
    I can’t be bothered with all the messaging and stuff online.
    Interestingly, the only guy that ‘stuck’ through the years from all the internet dating is mrP. And this is itselt if hilarious because the first time we met and also through our message exchange prior, I was convinced he was a ‘lightweight’, a ‘player’.
    He is anything but and he literally is the only one who always comes back, even just friendly, he never forgets me.
    There were 2 guys, including my exbf, with whom I was very very friendly, we did a lot of stuff together..and suddenly they just dropped off.
    Even my ex ‘I love you forever and can’t think of another woman’…he met me twice since I got back, declared his everlasting love and that ‘things have changed’, we had a major make-out session…and then he disappeared because I could not make it to his Xmas dinner. Wow.
    Really goes to show:
    Actions not Words, Ladies.



  219.  #219Heart on February 22, 2013 at 4:37 am

    I feel lonely…

    I feel ashamed of feeling lonely…



  220.  #220Tam on February 22, 2013 at 4:44 am

    ((((Heart)))
    Whoa, I can relate to that. Thanks for posting!
    I feel like that often and then don’t want to admit it to me or others.
    I feel lonely often.



  221.  #221Heart on February 22, 2013 at 4:49 am

    Tam….awwr…I feel a little less lonely now (:



  222.  #222Tam on February 22, 2013 at 4:50 am

    Heart 🙂



  223.  #223Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 5:19 am

    For example, instead of asking, “How many siblings do you have?,” dive deeper into his family dynamic by asking “What is that you liked most about your childhood?” If he has fond memories of his childhood, he will automatically inform you about the size of his family, etc.

    Bottom Line: The key to making a lasting impression on a man is to steer the conversation and make it a memorable one. Don’t settle for questions that will result in a one-word answer.

    http://www.loveromancerelationship.com/are-you-interrogating-him/



  224.  #224Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 5:24 am


  225.  #225Heart on February 22, 2013 at 5:30 am

    Ice ice baby
    too cool
    vanilla….ice ice baby
    too cool ♬



  226.  #226k2012 on February 22, 2013 at 5:31 am

    “Really goes to show:
    Actions not Words, Ladies.” 218-Tam. Exactly sso. U notice how that is a recurrent theme on most of the stories on here. Trust me that is my motto.”Actions not words” or Actions speak louder than words. I was thinking up to this morning that “mouth make to say anything.” In other words, words are easy to say but actions don’t lie. Up to this morning,I was saying that. With actions, men are NOT going to do what they DON’T want to do. So if a man is not interested in a woman, he is going to show it, his true feelings while still saying (without being asked by the woman) that “I am interested in u.” Words can lie. Feelings don’t.



  227.  #227k2012 on February 22, 2013 at 5:37 am

    Corrections:Words can lie. Actions don’t.



  228.  #228Heart on February 22, 2013 at 5:39 am

    Actions can lie…too…
    We can draw wrong conclusions from actions..



  229.  #229Heart on February 22, 2013 at 5:48 am

    Memulo – I disagree. I would even say that a lot of Rori’s work is actually about letting go of our agendas need to “throw a man into the cage”. I feel these things are fueled by our fears. I feel surprised that you think otherwise…but maybe you could be right. I’m not here to debate with you.



  230.  #230Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 5:50 am

    RE 228 – Because we draw wrong conclusions does not make actions a liar. It might mean our intuition is off. It might mean that we should ask questions rather than jumping to conclusions. Words don’t mean as much to men as they do to women because our brains are wired differently. Men are doers. They will speak based on the way they feel in the moment but ultimately will act based on their internal workings and masculine instincts.



  231.  #231Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 5:51 am

    I keep wondering about Calypso.



  232.  #232Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 5:52 am

    Butterfly Wings and LiliBee seemed to also have dropped off.



  233.  #233CurvySiren10 on February 22, 2013 at 5:59 am

    FW, all 3 of those ladies are on Siren Island on fb and doing fine. Calypso has been quiet so I’m not sure how she’s doing, but they are all well 🙂



  234.  #234Heart on February 22, 2013 at 6:06 am

    FW – A man can make all the moves…lean forward, ask you out, be caring..make time for you…etc etc…& then poof…

    so action don’t mean anything either sometimes…
    and though they may speak louder than words
    hearing loving words feel nice…



  235.  #235Tam on February 22, 2013 at 6:11 am

    234 Heart, that’s true.



  236.  #236Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 6:38 am

    I would like to see actions and how they evolve over a longer period of time; that is what shows me the most. Although I also like hearing the nice words with it. Makes me feel good in the moment. As far as I remember that men are saying what is truth to them that moment (which I do also…)



  237.  #237Annie on February 22, 2013 at 6:38 am

    They both need to match heart. X

    It is when the actions do not match the words.
    Is he a man of his word?

    I listen very carefully as many use whooly words so are not really offering anything, no accountability then like charming politicians. No real committiment to anything. Lots of could do can do’s perhaps, maybes. Catch you later.
    No definite plans with definite times dates just all up in the air meaningless crap with no real depth.
    And then would need to be prodded and nagged.
    No thank you. I don’t want any of that wishy washy stuff in my life.



  238.  #238Annie on February 22, 2013 at 6:39 am

    Once you say no to that. better things show up. 🙂



  239.  #239Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 6:39 am

    @ Tam

    Thanks for responding to me yesterday, I already drifted off to sleep as it was really late here.

    I find it curious what you tell about your online-dating experience. 🙂 I didn´t remember MrP was someone who stuck around from online dating experience.



  240.  #240Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 6:45 am

    I don´t know about poofing. I mean, I have never ever had anyone I cared deeply about poofed without any explanation. If a man is going to leave… I found there is always an explanation and usually it has been logical and I have known it from before. I don´t mean the ones who talk few lines with you on a dating site or in a pub, maybe ask my number and then don´t follow through. These I forget almost immediatyely about. But in a case there has been some kind of relationship or dating situation, no-one has just disappeared on me. I think if that is the case, it´s because I don´t want to see reality myself and I have ignored it deliberately. Hm…



  241.  #241Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 6:47 am

    Mybe I just have protected myself from that by being really alert (and that´s usually not consciously, just feeling the energy flow from him)..to any mismatch and never get too invested if there is some sign of a man not being interested enough. I find the signs are there in the beginning too.



  242.  #242Shar Lean Way Back on February 22, 2013 at 6:55 am

    Jilly, maybe you and Rori are closer in alignment than it appears. She indicates what you focus on grows and that seems to be in the same realm of what you are saying. I like the way you have presented it and will definantely save and try to practice.



  243.  #243Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 6:58 am

    It’s like Rori says “If he’s not in front of you he doesn’t exist.” Which I find for me to signify mostly that if he’s not here giving me the relationship I want, then I just don´t waste my energy on thinking & analysing, but will do other stuff. And that has been really good for me to not get attached with the potential poofers. Some of my girlfriends have suggested I am quite an egoist and not care enough about the man, but I let them think that if they want. I just believe it wasn´t the right man or the right time. I just can´t be bothered anymore spending hours & hours going over the “what he meant by that” “do you think he likes me or not” “what might have happened as he is not calling” “he said he loved me, but he doesn´t want to spend time with me…” etc, etc.. I just feel bored with it. And I feel bored having these discussions with my girlfriends…

    Ok… I agree in a committed exclusive relationship it might be a different story altogether.



  244.  #244Tam on February 22, 2013 at 7:06 am

    Hi Ulii, yes he initially came over the dating website. I was a little embarrassed about that but he would tell everybody…and one time he introduced me to a couple who met on POF and got married. And he shouted amongst a group ‘see Tam, they met on POF like we did, and they got married…and we…well..hrmpf’ (he ran out of words and people started laughing – and I was really embarrassed) and I finished the sentence: ‘we didn’t!!’
    Oh the comical moments that were had from internet dating..hehehe.



  245.  #245ruth on February 22, 2013 at 7:08 am

    I think you have the Rori tools down to a fine art Ulii

    Make yourself happy first

    Its not egotistical at all



  246.  #246Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 7:25 am

    @ Ruth

    Awww…so nice to hear that Ruth! 🙂 I don´t know if it´s find art,..at least…it has come quite naturally to me. Like by wanting to feel good, not bad. And worrying over a man and his intentions has always felt bad. So little by little I have drifted towards not doing it anymore. I guess finding Rori and seeing what she has to say is a part of that process I had already started…but it definitely speeded it up & made me more aware of whats going on inside & around me. 🙂 I still have a long way to go though…



  247.  #247ruth on February 22, 2013 at 7:26 am

    Ulii
    If I could stop doing that analysing, I am sure I would feel much better too



  248.  #248Tam on February 22, 2013 at 7:27 am

    Yes Ulii…actually, I think a good man wants you to put yourself first and is attracted by it.
    That is my fairly recent experience.
    The less I ‘do’ and think about him, the more he comes towards me…interesting.



  249.  #249Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 7:29 am

    @ Tam 244

    Comical moments indeed! 🙂 I have had some yes…

    I actually find it really sweet he’s boasted about the POF thing.. 🙂 A bit like a little boy in the “Emperor’s new clothes” story.. Someone who is not afraid of social judgements. …Like big part of people we feel still a bit embarrassed about using online dating..although i guess that´s changing quickly. I myself still feel a bit uncomfortable admitting it in my real life friends circle, although I now do it, as I really think it´s one way among many others to get to know someone. But I do receive still quite some “rolling of the eyes” about it.



  250.  #250Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 7:30 am

    Heart I could continue but I won’t try to convince you to change your stance. Ulii I believe many times if we pay attention to the words early on we would be able to figure out who is likely to poof. Many times it is just that we believe we can change their minds even though the guys clearly state they are just dating.



  251.  #251Tam on February 22, 2013 at 7:38 am

    249, Ulii, he just blurted it out. More strangely it was on the first day we re-connected after 3 months of being upset with each other. I will never forget the day. I was still angry with him…it turned out the best day of my life, he planned everything (also meeting this couple)..boating..lunch..everything.
    And I had just explained to the lady that we were ‘just friends’ and not romantic…and I wasn’t going to go into how we met and then I hear him blurting it out in front of everybody…like on a loudspeaker..(he had not heard me talking to her). It was SUPER comical, but typical. No, he is not ashamed, he is socially a little bit ‘different’, he doesn’t see the subtleties.
    I still have to laugh about it now.
    Anyway.
    So much for internet dating, I might pick it up again but I am laying low for now 😉



  252.  #252Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 7:40 am

    @ Ruth

    I understand that. I mean, I am not perfect in that… I still tend to do it in my brain, but it has become easier to stop myself. Like… for example, going for a run instead of waiting somebody to contact me. It doesn´t mean I don´t feel lonely or even abandoned at times, but I allow it a short moment & then do things to take care of myself. And while I´m single & cd-ing…it has been quite easy to say “next” and not worry about one certain guy too much.

    I could imagine it being different if I am in an exclusive relationship and not getting the attention I want from my man… Than I’d feel more vulnerable. I was in that situation with my ex and now I see how much I could have done differently. But I´m not also concentrating on how it went badin the past, because I do believe I have learned a lot since then. And I feel confident I will have some Rori’s tools to help me and that I have become much different & more secure in myself and believing I´m worthy of love and a nice relationship. And that my next committed relationship will be much better because of that. 🙂



  253.  #253MovingMagic on February 22, 2013 at 7:41 am

    Ulii, I agree with you wholeheartedly. I’ve come to feel like spending time pondering/analyzing men & their actions/words is wasting alot of precious energy that I could be channeling somewhere else. I choose to live a passionate, creative, & feeling life. I also choose to date several men. Those men may or may not stay on my glittery unicorn, & that’s okay. I’m happy with me. 🙂



  254.  #254Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 7:43 am

    @ 248 Tam
    🙂
    Yes, I have that recent experience too. And I have almost been capable of not feeling guilty of receiving all that… Almost…there’s still a little-little drop of that in me.



  255.  #255ruth on February 22, 2013 at 7:43 am

    absolutely correct girls
    Worrying about a man is a monumental waste of energy

    *nails this to her brain*



  256.  #256MovingMagic on February 22, 2013 at 7:47 am

    Boy, it’s taken me some to get to this place. Some very shaky moments. Weeks where I made “no contact” intentions. Lots of writing in my journal, constant dance as therapy…whooo. It’s still a practice in wanting to change very old patterns. Awareness is a key.



  257.  #257Heart on February 22, 2013 at 7:47 am

    I find it takes too much energy to stop yourself from obsessing….I find it’s better to jusy Over analyse and obsess and after a while…You just get tired or fed up or bored



  258.  #258MovingMagic on February 22, 2013 at 7:52 am

    I can agree with that to a certain agree. Change has involved a certain amount of doing energy for me. For instance, when I’ve found myself caught up in analyzing, I choose to do something else. Simply writing in my journal has helped to end that cycle for me. Perhaps going on a walk, or listening to some feel good music.



  259.  #259Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 7:52 am

    RE 255 maybe that is why guys just choose to compartmentalize, move on and not worry about us.



  260.  #260ruth on February 22, 2013 at 7:52 am

    257
    Heart-not always
    I am incredibly persistent and dont get bored and can waste oodles of time obsessing



  261.  #261Tam on February 22, 2013 at 7:53 am

    259 FW, some do..and some don’t. Some find it just as hard as us to ‘move on’ 😉



  262.  #262ruth on February 22, 2013 at 7:54 am

    259 FW

    I am sure that is true in many cases



  263.  #263ruth on February 22, 2013 at 7:56 am

    261
    I also agree with Tam
    That raised a little smile as i recalled my student days
    I had a few obsessive type men around who would not take no for an answer

    hm, wonder what was different about me then



  264.  #264MovingMagic on February 22, 2013 at 7:56 am

    Hehe. While walking in the city yesterday a man approached me & asked if I’m dating anyone. I replied with “I’m dating a couple of people.”He asked me if I would like to add another person to my list. I just laughed & kept walking. A sense of humor is a must in the dating world. 😉



  265.  #265Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 7:57 am

    I would love to meet that man Tam. Especially if he is smart, succesful and have a lot of options.



  266.  #266Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 8:00 am

    Ruth I also believe it is about how needy they are and what they want in their lives.



  267.  #267Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 8:02 am

    MovingMagic you must be radiating confidence and sensuality



  268.  #268Tam on February 22, 2013 at 8:02 am

    261, FW, I didn’t say that he was able to commit…I just said that he has trouble to move on…ha! 😉
    Very smart, mildly successful and plenty of options..but that doesn’t mean a thing, when he isn’t banging in my door, you know?
    He’s just quietly knocking every now and then.

    Oh and by the way, those nice words you wrote to me a while back, which i copied and pasted…I read them again yesterday and they made a lot of sense and left me all feeling warm and tingly and happy. Thank you 🙂



  269.  #269ruth on February 22, 2013 at 8:02 am

    266
    too needy for me at the time FW, which is why I was saying no LOL



  270.  #270Heart on February 22, 2013 at 8:07 am

    #260 – Haha Ruth



  271.  #271MovingMagic on February 22, 2013 at 8:15 am

    FW, thank you. I feel like I am. 🙂 Why shouldn’t we all be? I know from my own life experience that confidence can be a hard thing to come by. Once I started taking inventory of who I am, my dreams, passions, teachings, & life experiences I wowed myself. We’ve all lived colorfully. Most of us could write books. Why not learn, embrace, & share ourselves authentically with the world?



  272.  #272ruth on February 22, 2013 at 8:19 am

    *checks cell phone once again*

    STOP IT! Slapp
    🙂



  273.  #273MovingMagic on February 22, 2013 at 8:21 am

    Haha Ruth, I’ve sooooo been there. 😉



  274.  #274Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 8:21 am

    @ Femininewoman 250

    “Ulii I believe many times if we pay attention to the words early on we would be able to figure out who is likely to poof. Many times it is just that we believe we can change their minds even though the guys clearly state they are just dating.”

    Yes, I do agree completely. I have been doing that now for some time…and paying attention not only to the words, all the dynamics & exchanges… And I really find the signs are there already. I won’t want to change anybody’s mind anymore. 🙂



  275.  #275ruth on February 22, 2013 at 8:23 am

    oh
    I just got a text

    hahahahahaha
    🙂



  276.  #276GlowStix on February 22, 2013 at 8:24 am

    Trying not to be too nice feels just as bad to think about as trying to be nice…

    Trying trying trying. Everyone is always trying. Doing their best. I want to just be. Just speak when I feel unpleasant and speak when I feel pleasant. Feel unpleasant only when I feel it and not try to come up with stuff to feel unpleasant about or self talk myself into feeling unpleasant by making up stories that make a situation feel bad and worse. Don’t want to self talk myself into feeling pleasant, either. I want to take each occurrence in each moment and honour the honesty of my immediate emotion, sans “thinking time”. Processing feelings honestly and in these moments and honouring them and not escalating them or de-escalating them with assumptions or presumptions feels free.



  277.  #277Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 8:28 am

    @ 253, 258 MovingMagic
    You sound great! 🙂 Radiating confidence & sensuality, as FW puts it. 🙂
    And I see a lot of similarity in how you do it to how I do it… it has taken some doing energy yes. But it´s so worth it. The obsessing & worrying is much worse.



  278.  #278GlowStix on February 22, 2013 at 8:30 am

    Whoda thunk it? Stripping away all the extras…Just existing in your own skin honestly moment to moment is actually a skill. It is an extra!!! oh how amusing.



  279.  #279GlowStix on February 22, 2013 at 8:35 am

    I can exist through anything and that knowledge feels comforting like a warm blanket.

    I wonder if I can exist through the body sensations of a hangover without it bothering me psychologically?

    I could not today :-p



  280.  #280Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 8:40 am

    ((((((((GlowStix))))))))) 🙂



  281.  #281Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 8:41 am

    @ 275 Ruth

    🙂 A nice text?!



  282.  #282Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 8:50 am

    @ GlowStix
    “I can exist through anything and that knowledge feels comforting like a warm blanket.”

    That feels good to read and I feel the same way.



  283.  #283GlowStix on February 22, 2013 at 8:57 am

    (((ulii)))

    <3



  284.  #284GlowStix on February 22, 2013 at 9:03 am

    I am writing of NVs (negative voices to me) and PVs (positive voices to me) on my FB.

    To share:

    I have NVs all day every day and I believe them. I also have PVs all day every day, and believe them.

    My NVs are generally telling me people don’t like me. I’m too positive. I’m too wrapped up in my own reality. I’m too intense, excitable, dreamy. I believe that.

    My PVs are usually telling me I am loved. I am precious, I am adored, I am beautifully intense, and excitable, dreamy. I believe that.

    I don’t believe I should need to change any of this. It is a part of me.

    It doesn’t need healing. Just a little lovin’. I like that.



  285.  #285GlowStix on February 22, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Rori is preaching the word. !!

    Trust yourself. I like that. I feel inspired to write. I like letting go of “trying” to “be”. I’ve been saying it all along. Stop doing to get results and JUST do. Stop being to be a specific way and just be.



  286.  #286Heart on February 22, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Glowystix – it take practice, tools & a real desire to change in order to do that…

    It’s all well & good to come on the blog and make passionate statements…
    but it but before you know it…
    we’re pushing that ball up that hill again



  287.  #287GlowStix on February 22, 2013 at 9:25 am

    Mmm if ever I am internally focussed on *being* a certain way to *make* someone treat me a certain way it’s going to get all stuck in my energy. Sticky like goo and tainting. My energy is not centered and swirling if I am attempting to alter it for the purpose of being liked, respected, loved. My energy is tainted if I am doing to get. Even if i’m doing it right…I’m still doing to get. Taint.

    ok…So, what the eff am I doing? Because there seems no way around it? I am doing to be. Yes! That’s it. I do to be. or maybe even, I do to feel.

    That was rather simpler than I even thought. I do to be…

    I process to be centered.

    I speak to feel present and powerful.

    I work to be productive.

    I smile to be expressive.

    I laugh to feel joy released.

    I cry to feel release.

    I have sex to be intimate. And to feel orgasmic and connected.

    Gosh this works on EVERYTHING and removes ALL ELSE from my focus. Luscious!



  288.  #288Emerson on February 22, 2013 at 9:27 am

    I think I found my third cd 🙂 he’s a prior classmate from college and such a sweetheart. We’ve been in touch on FB he asked me what I’m doing this weekend! I’m busy already but I hope to see him soon…



  289.  #289GlowStix on February 22, 2013 at 9:30 am

    Heart

    my process is my life…not just passionate statements and words. this IS the practice.



  290.  #290GlowStix on February 22, 2013 at 9:34 am

    This process is not getting me to some joyful destination. This process is my joyful journey and the only place i’m tripping towards is the death of this body. There is no destination.



  291.  #291Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 9:43 am

    GlowStix your words feel so resonant in my brain and in my heart



  292.  #292Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 9:43 am

    GlowStix your words feel so resonant in my brain and in my heart



  293.  #293Emerson on February 22, 2013 at 9:48 am

    287 I like this very much glowstix!
    I needed to hear that and it’s nice to rework things… Reframe… Like!!



  294.  #294Emerson on February 22, 2013 at 9:49 am

    I am feeling thankful and fearful at the same time and it is ok.



  295.  #295GlowStix on February 22, 2013 at 9:54 am

    femininewoman

    🙂 (((you)))



  296.  #296GlowStix on February 22, 2013 at 9:55 am

    Emerson

    😀 thanks! I feel glad if my words are offering perspective!

    Yay



  297.  #297Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 9:58 am

    @ 287, 290 GlowStix

    I love what you wrote here.
    For me…I still have that aim there I believe, to “be happy” or something similar, or “to feel good”… So there is some direction in that and some action to move towards that I suppose..But also…it´s not a point I have to get, it´s not like it´s the end of everything… It´s also a state of being and the process.
    But I see you as very advanced in all of this. Your process is inspiring, really…



  298.  #298Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 10:00 am

    @ 288 Emerson

    Your vibe sounds so good these days. I feel glad you have all these cd-s around turning into real experiences… 🙂

    (((((Emerson)))))



  299.  #299Indigo on February 22, 2013 at 10:01 am

    GlowStix

    I’ve really loved reading these last few posts about your process 🙂 I feel how authentic you are, and it’s really refreshing to hear how you notice both your nasty voice and your positive voice and how they are both telling you slightly different variations on the same thing 🙂 Reminds me of myself.



  300.  #300GlowStix on February 22, 2013 at 10:06 am

    Ulii

    I feel afraid when I think people see me as advanced. It feels safe, coming from you because I do feel a connection with you. Maybe I mostly really desire to feel vulnerable. I guess there is vulnerability in this.

    There is still a part of me that desires to defend my not greatness. “I’m not that great.” Not a servicable urge, and I still want to share it.

    Thank you for your always kind words, I feel so much love for you!



  301.  #301GlowStix on February 22, 2013 at 10:15 am

    (((indigo)))

    Wow, I feel inspirational and I feel unsure of what to do with that! lol



  302.  #302Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 10:16 am

    Sorry Glowstix… I wouldn´t want you to feel afraid because of my words. As being a foreigner user of English, I use the words sometimes in a bit different way. I mean, maybe I don’t always get the level of the intensity that some words have and use them too much. Now thinking of it “advanced” sounds a bit heavy… But.. it means to me that I see you as really authentic always, and perfect in you imperfection… and yes “not that great”.. in a sense that you are really human and have all the different parts in you as we all do…but expressing everything… and yes, very open & vulnerable…and all that I call advanced in a sense that it’s a really great & inspiring way to be & experience. And I feel a bit envious of that level of awareness although same time admire that a lot.. while I see myself still too much dominated by my old patterns often.
    But… I understand.



  303.  #303GlowStix on February 22, 2013 at 10:25 am

    (((ulii)))

    It’s mostly old fears of my own. Fears of standing out and fears that humans won’t desire to connect with me…I gotta send that part of me mucho love!

    I actually see you as so very authentic and so earthy and beautiful. You have an energy that calms my spirit and your story inspires me! I have caught myself wishing I could start all over and do CDing the way you have and are…I so desire to experience that. I have to remind myself sometimes that I have my own story to experience lol



  304.  #304Ulii on February 22, 2013 at 10:45 am

    🙂 Glowstix…awww…I feel touched to read that! 🙂 I love you see me that way! 🙂
    Now I´m on my way to hop on the bus to another city, so no more blog nor fb for tonight, but I sure do feel connected & desire to connect with you! 🙂



  305.  #305Tam on February 22, 2013 at 10:52 am

    If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with…lalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…..
    shobidooooo
    …love the one you’re with
    dobidooo…de de deee.



  306.  #306Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 11:11 am

    Hi all…..

    Ok – so this morning CB texted me. He asked me what I was doing today – since its a huge snow day. I said, well, I am in my garage. I found out yesterday that they wanted 200 dollars to clear my driveway of snow. He texted back – OMG – and then that he hadnt cleared his yet and that it was cold outside.

    I grabbed the shovel and did it myself.

    It took three hours. And there were moments that I found myself crying because I was already tired, and cold, and sweating and exhausted.

    I did it. And I guess I’m glad to know I can do it – but I’m upset and angry. I wanted to hear from him something like “I wish I could help you” or “Dont touch a shovel – I’ll be over tomorrow” or “Are you ok to do it?” or….”do you need me?”

    I didnt hear anything. I didnt ask, but he knew I needed help because why else would I have called to find out how much it cost to clear my driveway. He knows I’m alone and need help.

    Maybe he couldnt get to me because of the roads and his driveway isnt done yet – but he could have said – hey dont touch that shovel – I’ll be over tomorrow…..or at least said he WISHED he could be over tomorrow.

    So….now I’m SO SORE, and exhausted, and tired, and trying to decide how mad I should be….LOL.

    I do know that if he were here he would do it. He has never said no to anything I asked, but I have never ever really NEEDED him to do anything before, etc.

    I was so scared to ask for something I needed because that really puts me in a vulnerable place where I could be rejected – and then I would feel (even though its not true) that I”m not worth it for someone to come over and help….

    Anyway – I’m sore.



  307.  #307Tam on February 22, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Elsie, he didn’t do anything wrong.
    You had expectations, and moreover expectations that he can read your mind and present you with the perfect answer (the one YOU want to hear).
    In my experience, men can’t mind read. And everytime I expected them to say something I wanted to hear, even the most perfect man can’t be a psychic.
    What are you mad about?
    Be proud of yourself that you did it, pat yourself on the back and chillax? 😉



  308.  #308Indigo on February 22, 2013 at 11:18 am

    ((((Elsie))))

    I must say, I probably still would have asked, just so that I wouldn’t feel that resentment of wishing he had offered. Sometimes people are just a little preoccupied or thoughtless.

    Sorry you’re sore. That is brave.



  309.  #309Indigo on February 22, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Elsie,

    Tam has a point though… instead of dwelling on him and how he disappointed you, how about saying YAY YOU! You shovelled your own driveway!

    How totally strong and awesome you are for doing that!



  310.  #310Tam on February 22, 2013 at 11:24 am

    Indigo, your words are much more graceful than mins, I have to say 😉



  311.  #311Tam on February 22, 2013 at 11:24 am

    mine, even



  312.  #312Indigo on February 22, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Feminine Woman

    Re: your posts about how men speak with their actions, not so much with their words. There was a time when I would get terribly hung up, even downright hurt, by a man’s words.

    It is SO easy to get hung up on them, both the good and the bad. Until the accumulation of experience showed me that a man’s words are virtually meaningless. I don’t mean that he’s trying to deceive, or that they don’t have meaning in the moment, but I just don’t think words are ultimately the indicator of how they feel, or that they have any long term meaning.

    I think men are heart creatures. And I think they express their heart in their actions, and yet I even think the way their heart speaks is more subtle and nuanced than that.

    I am trying to get to the point where I flow with a man, rather than analyse him. To me, this seems like a very contented, healthy, calm way to be 🙂



  313.  #313Indigo on February 22, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Aaww thanks, Tam.

    I like the way you express yourself too though!



  314.  #314Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 11:31 am

    @Tam and Indigo

    I did have expectations. I do have resentment that he didnt offer.

    I know I didnt ask. Maybe I should have. But I was too scared that what I really wanted wouldnt show up for me. I was so scared. Scared enough that I did back breaking labor for 3 hours instead of ask a question.

    I know men arent mind readers, but it doesnt take rocket science to know that I’m in the garage looking for a shovel to shovel the driveway….and I said that it was too much for me to hire someone…..so….come on….what guy couldnt figure that out?

    Plus, I shouldnt even HAVE to ask. He should have just offered anyway.

    Sorry, I”m bitter and frustrated…..and did I mention sore? LOL

    I know I shouldnt be – but I am resentful of an answer I didnt get to a question I didnt ask. LOL



  315.  #315Shar Lean Way Back on February 22, 2013 at 11:33 am

    Yes, Elsie I agree with the others 🙂 You could even tell him, oh my gosh I was out there crying my eyes out shoveling the driveway and I am so sore but I feel really strong 🙂



  316.  #316Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 11:36 am

    @Shar, Tam, and Indigo….

    I dont know how to tell him that I actually did the driveway. After he texted me and said how cold it was and that he was waiting until the afternoon today to do his…..I never texted back….

    I wonder if I should text him now, or wait, and if I do tell him that I did the driveway…..how should I say it?

    Should I say I cried?….that I”m sore?….that I wish he were here to help me? …. sigh



  317.  #317Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Elsie,

    I feel like I have had similar thoughts at different times and it makes me go to places about where have I felt not taken care of in the past. And, how can I best take care of me that has nothing to do with “the man?”

    We may want to feel like shoveling snow is a man’s job and yet whose to say that it is.

    No reason for resentment that a man owes us to offer or to shovel our driveway.

    If it is our house rather than his house, it is our responsibility to figure it out.

    That means, doing it ourselves, finding a helpful neighbor, paying someone…

    Sounded like he did have his own driveway to shovel and hadn’t felt like doing it yet. He hasn’t taken care of himself. He has to take care of himself in some ways before he can take care of you.

    Makes me think of what we hear about all the time in putting our own air masks on in an airplane before our children’s.

    And, as others have said, you took care of you and celebrate that and how you took care of you!!!



  318.  #318Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 11:43 am

    Elsie,

    Just wondering though…why is it his job to come over to shovel your driveway? He has his own driveway to shovel and his own responsibilities.

    Some guys really want to do stuff like that, but it doesn’t mean they all want to. Sounds like he is putting it off as long as possible to do his own driveway.



  319.  #319Indigo on February 22, 2013 at 11:44 am

    Elsie,

    I get it, I so totally and utterly do.

    If it were me, I would tell him that I did it all myself, and how sore and overwhelmed I feel, complete with sad emoticon faces 🙁

    I would even say that I wanted to ask for help but felt uncertain, and now I felt so sore.

    In my experience, a lot of men will then offer a word of comfort and that might make you feel better 🙂



  320.  #320Tam on February 22, 2013 at 11:44 am

    fabulous posts starbright.



  321.  #321Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 11:45 am

    If it was me I think I would say something like:

    Wow, it would really feel good to have a man in my life who helped me with stuff like shoveling the driveway. It feels so good and loving and makes me feel taken care of when a man helps me do stuff like that that feels so overwhelming to me.



  322.  #322Tam on February 22, 2013 at 11:47 am

    generally men I have been with will offer to help me with things…even when I don’t mention it.
    If I have an emergency and ask a guy for help, they normally jump. I only did it once or twice in many years.
    Shovelling snow is perhaps not an emergency, unless it means someone old/sick/frail can’t get somewhere they need to.
    Sometimes it’s good to also keep our needs in perspective…..a man wants to do things because he feels like it rather then out of duty.
    He didn’t feel inspired to shovel your snow for whichever reasons…that’s his right, really?



  323.  #323Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 11:48 am

    Aw, Tam thank you!!! It feels good to be seen!



  324.  #324Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 11:48 am

    @Starbright, Tam, and the rest

    Thank you all for chatting with me and being there for me. I know down to my toes that if he were here there is no way he would have let me go out and do it.

    And I Know he had his own to do…..and I am glad that I dont feel panic and that now I can get out of my house myself and be self sufficient, but I really really really wanted to feel taken care of – if that makes sense.

    And I know it isnt fair of me to be resentful for a man who has done so much for me. And it isnt fair to be resentful of an answer I didnt get….to a question I didnt ask….

    Its just that I really wanted to be taken care of….I’m so tired of doing everything myself.



  325.  #325Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 11:51 am

    Tam, that is really good: “a man wants to do things because he feels like it rather than out of duty.”

    Actually, I think that is huge!



  326.  #326Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 11:55 am

    Elsie,

    Share that part of you that wants to be taken care of that is tired of doing everything yourself without blaming the guy.

    Being vulnerable and sharing without expecting may just be what inspires a guy to step up and give you some of those things you really want.

    I think the vibe that you are in when expressing makes all the difference. Then also realize the guy has a choice to do or not. And, I bet you will begin seeing much more love and care coming your way! 🙂



  327.  #327Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 11:58 am

    So….do you think I could say….

    I shoveled my driveway. It took me three hours. I felt very overwhelmed and was even crying at one point because I was in so much pain. But its finally done.

    I thought about asking you to help, but I felt uncertain and anxious because it would be a huge imposition, and I know you have your own driveway to do, and wasnt sure if you could even get away….so I decided to try to do it myself instead of asking. I feel so sore now….

    What do you girls think of that? Do you think I could ask for a back rub because I’m so sore? LOL Thats the LEAST he could do LOL



  328.  #328Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    @Starbright – OK I like your wording about being vulnerable and being taken care of…..

    How do I say that to him over a text?



  329.  #329Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    @Starbright…..I want to use this that you said…

    Share that part of you that wants to be taken care of that is tired of doing everything yourself without blaming the guy.

    Being vulnerable and sharing without expecting may just be what inspires a guy to step up and give you some of those things you really want.

    But I dont know how to word that to him…..



  330.  #330CurvySiren10 on February 22, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Sorry Elsie, but I think a lot of guys would experience that as pressure. Like everyone else is saying, it’s not his JOB to take care of you. If it comes from him as a desire to things for you, it would be done- willingly. But I think wanting to be “take care of” as an obligation is something most men (especially one just getting out of a LTR) would experience as pressure. My experience has been that those feelings tend to push a man away, not bring him closer.



  331.  #331Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    @CurvySiren – you are probably right.

    This man has done so much for me. Without asking. That is maybe why I was surprised that he didnt step up and say something when I texted him about how much it would cost me.

    Anyway – at some point I will talk to him today through text and I want to know how to word how I feel…

    Can you all help me construct something to say? I’m not doing a great job over here conveying my feelings….haha



  332.  #332Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    Elsie,

    I think the best time to say those kinds of things would be beforehand and just in general about what feels good to you in relationship rather than in any way making him feel bad that you had to shovel your own driveway.

    Sorry…I don’t think he owes you a back rub (although if he’s offering I”d take him up on it!) He will most likely have his own aching back muscles.

    I still think part of this stems from old hurts. Places that you felt not taken care of. All that stuff about little Elsie. You are a grown up and you can do that now. Ask your little girl Elsie what she needs and really listen and provide it yourself.

    Luckily you didn’t have to drive anywhere today so you were able to shovel in preparation of getting out whenever that need is there.

    And, CurvySiren had some really good points about not making the guy feel he owes you when he is just coming out of a long term relationship. It may make him run.

    I think this is such a good place to look inside you and start doing a better job of giving to yourself and finding healthy ways to share.

    What are feel good ways you could give to yourself that wouldn’t feel like chores? What are small ways you could pay for others to service you. Whether that is a haircut, a massage, manicure, etc.

    The better you take care of you and share what you want while being open to receive…the more it will come to you with open arms and without resentment. Isn’t that the kind of way to get gifts? The ones people are so wanting to give rather than the ones they think they have to give?

    As far as what to say…I go back to what I posted above something like the following:

    “Wow, it would really feel good to have a man in my life who helped me with stuff like shoveling the driveway. It feels so good and loving and makes me feel taken care of when a man helps me do stuff like that that feels so overwhelming to me.”

    Good luck Elsie!!!



  333.  #333Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Elsie,

    So, just saying that if the snow stuff comes up, then maybe share my suggestion above. And, only if it could be said with an openness and not resentment.

    The true resentment is probably left over and about others in your life who have let you down way before this guy came along…



  334.  #334Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    If you do talk by text today would probably just keep it simple if at all…”I felt pretty overwhelmed shoveling all that snow. It feels so good though to have it done and prepared to go somewhere if I need to.”



  335.  #335Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    Ok – I feel very supported, and very nutured here. Thank you all for your help and just listening and taking time to write to me. There are other things you could be doing, and you are taking time to write to me – I appreciate it.

    You are all right. I”m resentful of almost a decade from a man who didnt take care of me at all.

    This man has ACTUALLY taken care of me so much, and I just think I’m transferring my resentment towards him.

    So, I think I’ll just say if it comes up….

    “I finished shoveling my driveway. It felt overwhelming and although I”m proud I got it done for me and the kids, I am sooo sore now.”

    I think when I actually see him we might talk about it – and that would be when I would say to him in person that I really wanted to ask him, but I felt vulnerable, and anxious and didnt want him to feel obligated to do it. I will do much better saying that in person. I know he will tell me that he wishes he could be there for me….

    So I think I’ll keep it light over text….until I see him.

    Does that sound good?



  336.  #336Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    @Starbright – LOVE IT. Perfect. Thats what I was trying to say.

    Man, I wish I could attach a pic of the driveway……I am pretty proud of myself. It felt great when my kids were like….mom, we are so proud of you! 🙂



  337.  #337Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    I might say something like this if he keeps talking about it:

    I thought about asking you, and it would feel good to have you be my hero and dig me out, but I felt it was sucha n imposition and I didnt want you to feel obligated. 🙂



  338.  #338Tam on February 22, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    I have all sorts of strange feelings today… a sense of urgency and weird expectations…
    I don’t even know how to describe it.
    I am feeling disappointed before I am disappointed.
    I guess I feel disappointed that MrP didn’t make an effort to see me before the skiing holiday and that is really quite a crazy thought since it was me who pushed him away…ugh.
    And I thought I was past all that already anyway.

    And Curly has done nothing wrong at all but for some reason I want to punish him for not being able to read my mind..and for having to repeat things to him all the time. He seems to just want to come around my place and now this is an unspoken rule already. And I have said time and time again that I don’t want to henag out in my Condo all the time.
    I don’t know. I understand the money thing, but I have also expressed that I don’t mind doing cheap/free stuff…the one thing I don’t want is me feeling resentment for being stuck at home all weekend and him feeling resentment because he doesn’t want to go out.

    Ugh.

    And my little girl just wants to sulk and be by herself because that is so much easier anyway..

    I feel really dissatisfied without a good reason to.
    Hm!



  339.  #339k2012 on February 22, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    236: Ulii, “I would like to see actions and how they evolve over a longer period of time; that is what shows me the most.” Consistency, Ulii. True True. I must about to make a similar comment to what u said after Heart’s post in 234 post. I accept Heart’s arguments too all the same. But actions have to be consistent. Indeed. So I suppose we all have to watch and observe if men are consistent before we give them our heart.



  340.  #340Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Elsie,

    If it were me I would not say I thought about asking him…If he says he wishes he could have been there then I would just say something like, Oh, that feels so good to hear you say that. Thank you!

    Not every feeling or thought needs to be expressed. Rori says something to the effect of: Choose your words. And I take that to mean to choose them carefully. The words and your vibe mix together and can give you the opposite of what you most want.

    And, also comes down to deciding what you want and then seeing if that is what a man wants.

    Is it to be a man’s job to always shovel the driveway if you are in a committed relationship? What are your female roles?

    Some women do all the outside work while some men do all the inside work.

    Others work as a team and share all jobs.

    That is part of what would need to be discussed. Who does which role? And how do both people feel about it?

    Yay for your kids being proud of you!!!



  341.  #341Shar Lean Way Back on February 22, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    Elsie, Can you go take a hot bath now and relax and enjoy that. And tell him in really explicit feeling words how that felt after being sore. Mmmm I took a hot bath and it was so soothing and peaceful, I was so relaxed I felt like a wet-noodle..



  342.  #342Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    Tam:

    Just wondering about you seeing Mr. P again. Seems like it could be a return to a new cycle returning once again. Makes me think of Rosa’s post.

    Also, reminds me of my own cycle I have done so many times. Ugh

    Onto my stuff:

    Past guy still has a bunch of stuff in my house. And at least two items would need two people to move them.

    I game him the month of february to remove everything. So far there is no plan that I am aware of for him to remove them.

    I am at times fighting myself from contacting him to ask or comment on the days going by in the month of february.

    However, I want to be calm, and not be running after him to find out his plan and control. I have given a deadline.

    I am sure he is hoping to restart a cycle of acting like he could be with me and then pulling away once again. Once his stuff is gone there will be no reason for him to come to my home. That seems like it will feel very freeing.

    I once again imagine myself standing on the beach with hands open allowing there to be absolutely no ties left. And, I am so free to totally live my life and magnetize men who will be so good for me.



  343.  #343Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    Tam,

    Also, gotta say that you sound like such a woman of the world…may stay in Florida or back to the UK….

    I hope that what you most want is what happens!



  344.  #344Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    Elsie I love what Shar says. I believe I would call instead of text to let him know how frustrated I was, to the point of crying and how sore my back and my arms are now. Even now I am lying down thinking about my dream man being here. With me next time the snow falls. Going with life as is is the best way to go. Yayy you for now seeing you can do it and noticing how you feel after



  345.  #345Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    Elsie I believe he WILL feel inspired by your bravery and strength. Maybe moreso if you tell him you wanted to ask but chose not to because you were feeling fearful of rejection and wanted him to be your hero.



  346.  #346Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    Starbright I would definitely move them out beginning March. Maybe donate them to charity.



  347.  #347Indigo on February 22, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    I am going to be honest with you ladies: I am very, very fearful of sharing this because I am afraid of you judging D, and I don’t want any judgmental thoughts about him at all.

    So I hope you don’t mind me saying that and I can just share!

    I am sitting here in D’s house, where I have been for three nights of this week. Last night actually, we had quite a lovely night together. Today he is feeling sore and sick from his medication, and although he was sweet with me, he was not really in the mood to be touched. He did hug and kiss me hello and goodnight, and put his hand on my leg for a bit. That is all fine.

    Tomorrow however I have major anxiety. And it is causing me to sit here, all tied up in knots. He is going to barbecue (here we call it a “braai” 🙂 ), a sort of house party get-together at a friend’s place. This friend is a girl, and I can tell you they’ve known each other for a long time and I can absolutely tell you NOTHING will happen there between him and her or anyone else. Yet, I’m not crazy about this girl. She’s one of *those* women you just get that uncomfortable feeling about.

    Yet. He knows how I feel about this girl. And he hasn’t invited me. In fact, because he knows how I feel about her, he wouldn’t even tell me he was going.

    I don’t want to feel this way. Totally tied up in knots about something like this. I felt FINE until I found out he was going, totally fine and going to enjoy my weekend, most likely seeing D on Sunday.

    Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. This feels like high school.

    Feel so anxious.

    🙁



  348.  #348Tam on February 22, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    342 Starbright, yes, I think this is why I feel discombobulated. I do not want to start the cycle again. But I also know that 50% of it is my fault…I have dumped him more times than he has dumped me. However, it’s just a little chance that we will meet in March, and I am so not goint to contact him. So whatever happens, happens.

    ((((Indigo))))



  349.  #349Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    OK – update.

    He texted me at 3:10 and said “How is your day going”

    I texted back about 45 min later – because I wanted to really think about what I wanted to say….

    I wrote:

    “The driveway is finally done….I felt very overwhlemed shoveling all that snow….I am proud 🙂 but in a lot of pain now 🙁 ”

    That was all I wrote. When we are together in person the next time, I am going to ask him “Do I have standing to ask you to come and help me? I wanted to ask for your help, but didnt want you to feel obligated, and honestly didnt want to inconvenience you, but next time it would feel good if you could help me because it was very overwhelming and physically exhausting for me”….something like that. And I will say it in the spirit of gentleness and not coercion or frustration…..I think thats the best to do it in person….and then nothing is lost in translation over the texting…..



  350.  #350Pe on February 22, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    Elsie,

    Man loves to help out and being ask for help it makes them fell like you need them. Remember that when you talk to him you mentioned how it would cost to clear the snow for your driveway, so to him it probably looked like you already had it all figured out, you were looking by yourself for ways to fix your problem and didn’t need his help…cause instead of asking him you went looking for professional help, see what i mean ? so i’m sure he tough that you didn’t need his help, like others have said he is not a mind reader. Next time just ask him for his help like you would ask a family member or friend for help , quite simple, i mean the worst he can do is say :sorry but no i can’t for whatever reason , that’s it 🙂



  351.  #351Indigo on February 22, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    Thank you Tam X



  352.  #352Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    @Indigo – are you and D in an exclusive relationship? I am sorry I dont know the answer to this?

    Do you have “standing” to ask for him not to go, and why would he not invite you to go with him?



  353.  #353Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    I”m interested to hear what you sirens think of what I texted him back…..



  354.  #354Tam on February 22, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    Indigo, such a tough one because we all know the answer to it – CDing and so on.
    Yet, that feeling is there.
    I know it well.
    In some ways, I have gone completely overboard in spending my time with a man who wants me to be with him 24/7..and always checks with me first before he goes anywhere. And I know this is because MrP always kept me an arm’s length away. He wouldn’t have gone to a party without me if I was with him for a weekend, but he could go without calling or wanting to meet for days on end…and who knows what he was doing then? Knowing him, sitting at home..but my mind was making up all sorts of stories which was one of the reasons that my insecurities got the better of me.
    It’s a downward spiral when the insecurities come into the mix.
    I don’t know what to say, I have been there. Urgh.
    And yes, you can do good things for you and date other men…all the stuff we know already. But in the end, it is really you who has to decide if this man is worth your time if he makes you feel ‘high-school’.
    I could probably never again date someone who showed even the slightest hint of ambiguity about me or wanting to be with me. In that sense, I have been quite ‘ruined’.
    But I see it as a good thing, as getting more valuable.
    Sigh.



  355.  #355Tam on February 22, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    ‘wants to be with me’ lol



  356.  #356Pe on February 22, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    mmm, when people and dating coaches say “all you have to do is love yourself and everything will improve in your love life”, don’t take crumbs from man, strong inside and soft outside blablabla and i tried to apply those tools, talk only in feeling messages, i bought Rori’s book and others also, i didn’t see any improvements, at all, i’m still not getting what i want from a man, even tough i know what to say when he does this how to act when he does that, the only thing that changed is that i don’t call when he doesn’t, don’t chase him around, don’t make him the center of my life but that’s it. I still get the same reactions from men because even though i’m using the correct tools, my vibe is still the same ! what those rules and tips have done is now make me tiptoeing around men, thinking about how i should use “i feel” when i talk to him, how i should lean back, how i should not have expectations, date other men so that i get hung up on him, it’s really exhausting !!! how can i be “myself” when i’m always watching how i’m talking,relating to men ?

    And then it hit me…if i don’t love myself no man will be able to love me, i REALLY get it now. It’s only when i love myself that i’ll know how to take care of myself every day no matter what he does or say, only when i love myself than even if i’m madly in love with a man, i will not take crumbs from him because i love me MORE and know what i want and don’t want, that i NATURALLY will be able to stand up for myself and say i love you but NO, that i won’t try to use those tools to “change” a relationship but to help me handle any situation while still being myself, and i won’t go out circular dating to avoid getting hung up on him, i just won’t cause i love myself to not do that, i will date cause i want too, i won’t be analyzing every word i say trying to fit in “i feel” so that he doesn’t feel blamed or whatever, or to make him “connect” to the me,when i love myself i will do me at all times and it will shine trough whatever i say or i do. loving myself is accepting me for who i am, not thinking for hours about how to answer to a certain text and just answer by speaking my truth, doing what feels good to me. I really understand what those dating gurus have been teaching now, it’s not just about using “i feelz” when i talk and he will just connect to me and want a committed relationship with me and just say “no, i don’t want this ” and he will magically respect me, i was sooo not getting it ! Loving myself is naturally putting my wants, my needs, my feels above his while still loving him at all day, at all times.



  357.  #357Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    OK – he texted me back. I’m upset.

    so just to recap I wrote:
    “The driveway is finally done….I felt very overwhlemed shoveling all that snow….I am proud 🙂 but in a lot of pain now 🙁 ”

    He wrote:
    “LOL….thats too bad….I had to do mine but just did 3/4 of it”

    Ok I was so angry. I’m better now that I’ve calmed down…..but I felt sooo……ANGRY.

    I felt it was so insensitive.

    I felt angry that he didnt offer to come over and help.

    I felt like he was laughing at my pain and the fact I was overwhelmed.

    I felt that he was like…..no, thats too bad….so whatever, he doesnt care.

    I felt so angry.

    I felt unworthy. I look to him for validation, which I know I shouldnt, but I am working on it – and I do look to him, and I felt unworthy that he didnt feel I was worthy enough to come over and help – and now that he is just LAUGHING at me….at the fact I was overwhelmed – at the fact that I was in pain.

    I’m sure that he loves me, and I’m sure he didnt mean it – but wow, I am hurt and angry.

    And now I dont know what to say.

    What in the world?

    No sympathy for me? NO offer to help? No indicated that he wished he could have been there for me?

    I feel rejected.

    I feel angry.

    I feel unworthy. I feel he doesnt feel I”m worthy to help me.

    I feel really rejected. Really really rejected.

    I feel like I’m not important enough that he would help me.

    I feel mad.

    I feel sad.

    I feel like c



  358.  #358Pe on February 22, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    I was watching sex in the city today, the episodes before Big went to Paris where he meet the girl he would marry and cheat on with Carrie…yeah, i’ve seen these episodes a thousand times but today it was different, i was watching those episodes with a new “light” whatever that means, i watch how Big didn’t want to meet Carrie friends and how she didn’t say anything when it was obviously upsetting her and she just said “ok”, she then felt embarrassed and didn’t want to tell the girls that Big wasn’t coming and felt ridiculously relieved when he unexpectedly show up ;how they would always meet at his place and rarely go out together;how she set up Miranda when they planned to go out so she could stay at Big’s because he wanted to cook for her;she told him “i love you” he didn’t answer back but when he bought her a clutch that was not even in her taste, she tough that it was maybe some sign that he loves her; how he didn’t even want her to leave her blow dryer and toothbrush at his place when she went to sleep over so she always had to walk around with a huge tote carrying panties, hair brush etc and when she found a picture of them together HIDDEN in his drawers she tough that she was in his “heart” and at “home” with him; she couldn’t even tell him the scent of his cigars bothered her; he told her the day he was leaving to Paris for a business trip that he might have to go live there for a year (he was probably planning to move there for a few weeks or months and told her at the last minute) and even after realizing she didn’t have any special place in his life, she was at his house an hour after he got back to Paris all giggly, making jokes in french, wearing a beret, brought him food and APOLOGIZED for acting like a crazy “le witch” (replace the “w” with “b” and u’ll get it), telling him how she could move to Paris and write her columns from there (…i mean he didn’t even tell u that he was planning to go live there) got all worked up and upset when his response was lukewarm (helloo !) and left screaming “you told me you loved meeeee”; how that same night she just couldn’t sleep all hurt about the situation ,she let him come inside her apartment at 2am when he just showed up like nothing happened and slept with him without him having to say nada, like not a single word…it was only in the morning she reached her limit and watch him walk out of her life from her window while giving him a deep look and sadly smiling. o-m-g ! that hit me hard like for realz, that’s how blind women can be with a man, like iiii was blind with the men in his life, i was in all king of wrongs…i really need to snap out of it BIG time.



  359.  #359Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    @Pe – I wish I could get there. You said it just “hit you” I would love to know more about that. How did it finally SINK in???? How?



  360.  #360Pe on February 22, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    Elsie,

    I did what a closed friend who is divorced, was unhappy in her love life and is now in a year long healthy, mature, growing, loving relationship with a rich business man who worships her, that man tried to get her into his bed 2 years ago by the way lol, she said one day while she was in a “friend with benefits” with a man who was taking her granted, after a steamy night with him,she took a hot bath and stood naked in front of her mirror. She looked at herself, really looked at herself for hours, resisting the urge to answer the phone and to get dressed, she looked at all the flaws of her body, the parts that she liked in her body, she looked at he face, she stared at herself in the eyes, tough about how her family and friends loves her and why…because of who she was and was she ? she tough about all the good qualities she had and her “flaws”, and she begin to SEE what the people around her love her for, and she begin to love that also, and she begin to LOVE HERSELF also just they do with all her flaws and qualities…and everything just shifted inside. When the man called her the day after she didn’t answer but tough “what the hell am i doing ? what am i doing with this man ? what am i doing to myself ?” all her fears, insecurities just vanished she felt calm and at peace, call him back and give it to him ” i must have been out of my mind to put myself in a “friends with benefits” situation with you, without commitment while you are living the life and i’m tied down waiting around for u” he started saying she’s crazy, what is going on, is there another man, she said “yes there while a man in my life and it won’t be you, don’t ever call me again”. when she meet the man she’s dating now everything just came naturally to her, the man CRIED when she told him she’s going to walk out of his life because that wasn’t enough for her when he tough he could start acting like he did with the gazillions of women that passed thought his life, today she’s happy with herself and with a man that loves her to death and won’t do anything to risk loosing her, when she doesn’t answer her phone he panics and calls a hundred times until she answers. She’s on no dating sites and never read self help books and she became the woman the dating coaches are trying to help us become.

    I did that a couple of times until i finally felt that “shift” it’s pretty deep stuff…



  361.  #361Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    Pe – thanks so much for sharing that.

    I can see it from here. I just cant seem to get there from here.

    Its like I need to get to California but I don’t have the road map. I know its there, I just don’t know HOW to really get there. I have the car. I have the gas. I just don’t know how to get there…..

    Thanks for sharing. I want to be there so bad.



  362.  #362Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    Elsie, I also liked the idea of taking a hot bath and taking care of yourself. Then that can be shared. The vibe can change…Something like:

    “Aw, it doesn’t feel good to read lol about the shoveling. However, I have taken a nice hot bath and now my body is feeling so relaxed…”

    You may get some other ideas from other sirens. My read earlier was that he felt shoveling his own driveway was more than he really wanted to do. Not all guys want to do all the manly things to show they care.

    That’s part of figuring out what you want and which guy wants to give it to you. Perhaps this day can give you more ideas of what is really important to you. What are your needs and what are your wants. Getting really clear about these things can help you find the man that fits best with you. And, what are the deal breakers for you?



  363.  #363Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    @Starbright – Thanks for your advice.

    I havent written anything back.

    He JUST WROTE BACK AGAIN……

    And said….”My back is totally sore, tomorrow I’m really going to feel it.”

    Ok – wow. So, I did my WHOLE driveway, AND I’m a GIRL….and YOU are complaining to ME???

    Wow. So not only did I get an LOL, now he is complaining about HIS back. Wow.

    Frankly, I guess I never stood a shot at him coming out to help me right? I mean if he only did 3/4 of his driveway and now he is all hurting then there is no way he would have helped me do mine, right? Is that a pretty good assumption you think? I dont know – what you do you guys think?

    Now I dont know how to respond.

    I havent responded at all to either text.

    Starbright – you have been really awesome today (as have other girls on here) and Ijust want to say I appreciate your input and time….

    Whats WEIRD about this….is that he is totally a manly guy – and loves doing stuff around the house, etc.

    This has really really thrown me for a loop. I dont get it at all – out of character for him completely.



  364.  #364Jilly on February 22, 2013 at 5:45 pm

    Thanks Shar 🙂 I would love to hear how things go for you. 🙂



  365.  #365Pe on February 22, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    Elsie,

    Hold on to that feeling and you will get there. The only person who has the power to help you get “there” is U. I know how safe it feels to holding on to what feels familiar to us, we are familiar with thinking the same way and relating to men, to the world the same way. It scares us to think a man can love us just for being us, cause we don’t even love ourselves, so we drive ourself crazy, act needy, pushy and become a pushover because it would be too scary to act, feel and think otherwise. That’s why even tough we have the exact step by step script or tools about how to act or talk around man we just can’t do it, when we do have the courage to do something as simple as to just say how we feel, we are scared, we doubt ourselves think and rethink about how we are just going to SAY how we feel…

    A man/woman is successful at whatever he/she put his/her mind to. We think we will never find a man that can love us for us, so we successfully are attracted and attract men that won’t love us over and over and again…now what would happen if you loved yourself enough to where you would only be attracted and stay attracted only to men who will love u for u ?



  366.  #366Jilly on February 22, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    Elsie…no need to say anything back to him…

    Maybe just put this experience in the back of your mind, like a mental note. You don’t want to try and figure out why he did or didn’t offer to help. It feels bad and that’s ok.



  367.  #367Pe on February 22, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    I’ve read the other day that : ” Your relationships are merely a reflection of how you feel about yourself”………THAT hit me hard….



  368.  #368Femininewoman on February 22, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    Interesting. My brother just came by, first time out of his bed all week. He shovelled his driveway from the same storm I wrote about above, Nemo. His back been messed up since and he’s been in bed my sister-in-law and neice said, could hardly move.



  369.  #369Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    Elsie,

    I agree with Jilly!

    And just take great care of you!



  370.  #370Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    Jilly – love hearing about how you are doing! Wow! So inspiring. What wonderful news about Hawaii! Love it!



  371.  #371Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    Pe, You sound great!!!



  372.  #372Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    Thank you everyone.

    This journey is harder than I wish it were. I wish I just had that lightbulb moment.

    That really struck a chord with me too – your relationships are a reflection of how you feel about yourself….

    Elsie



  373.  #373Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    FW,

    Sorry to hear about your brother! Shoveling can be really tough on people’s bodies! Heart attacks can come from them too as most people aren’t use to shoveling.



  374.  #374Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    FW,

    Sorry to hear about your brother! Shoveling can be really tough on people’s bodies! Heart attacks can come from them too as most people aren’t use to shoveling.



  375.  #375Pe on February 22, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    Starbright !

    well thank you girl, cyber hugs 🙂



  376.  #376Pe on February 22, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    Elsie,

    You feel upset about something he did well didn’t do and he doesn’t even know about it, and because of that you didn’t answer his text : that is a passive aggressive reaction, he’s not aware that you were hoping that he would offer you his help, that you were hoping that he would comfort you when you complained about your back that was hurting you, and that you didn’t answer his texts because of what i just said. Let it go, it’s done. But next time you need his help just ask for it, you were worried that it would “inconvenient ” or “bother” him which you have no idea of because you didn’t ask and see for yourself how he would have reacted, the worst that could have happened was that he would have said that he can’t…so what ? lol.



  377.  #377Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    Radlove,

    Are you still around reading on the blog???

    Just wondering..How are you?

    All the best,

    Starbright



  378.  #378Elsie on February 22, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    @Pe – I agree. I’m being passive aggressive right now. I just want to say certain things to him, and it may not come out right over text, and they are important to me, so I’m going to wait to say them in person.

    Frankly, not answering him is also giving him space and me space.

    I am just too hung up on him making me happy. I have no idea how that happened or when, but it is definitely what is happening.

    So I need to take a step back and I am doing that.

    I dont want to text back because frankly, I dont feel like comforting HIM right now, or really talking about how bad HE feels…..

    I’m exhausted and tired too and I got an “LOL….thats too bad” out of it.

    So I guess its passive agressive, but now that he wants to talk and then tell me about how he feels bad…..

    I feel like writing “LOL….thats too bad.”

    haha.



  379.  #379Pe on February 22, 2013 at 8:06 pm

    Elsie,

    lol

    Let it go really lol .To avoid all of that, next time just wait when you need his help and just ask for it : “i need your help, if that’s ok with u can you please help me with this or that ? i would really appreciate it :)”. Men understand short and to the point request and questions, they like it simple – so keep it simple. Men are used to physical pain, they relate to it, it’s nothing to them, they get hurt lifting weight, riding their bike, become police officer to have bullets screaming while they pass near their ears…that why he probably “loled” you.
    If he says no and you really feel upset about it say it also : “ok i understand, i feel a little bumped i was hoping to get help…don’t know how i’m gonna do this or that now, any suggestions ?”, if a few hours and days go by you still feel upset when he contacts you, and ASK you are you ok cause he picked up on your vibe (they always do… and quickly) do NOT say “i’m ok/fine” keep it real and just simply say ;”i’m still upset with u”.
    Those “tips” comes a from a man actually…so, yeah 😉



  380.  #380Sirenity on February 22, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    Hi Elsie,

    I dont know the history of your relationship with this man, but I am wondering if this comes under the “unmet expectations” umbrella and what belief is it that you had that he did not meet?

    I remember my ex husband used to wash my car regularly along with his own (and I did plenty of stuff in return like all his ironing , grocery shopping, cooking etc). Suddenly he stopped ..just like that ..said it was up to me from now on as he was too busy. I felt very angry that he withdrew his “act of service “and I felt he OWED it to me .I had a belief that he was the man and he “should “do masculine things for me.

    I had an expectation that was no longer being met. Instead of discussing this in feeling messages at the time, for example .. ” I feel sad that you are too busy now , as it feels so special to me when you do those little things for me and take care of me that way” ..well it just added to the other disappointments and frustrations and that deep and well hidden anger ..eventually we divorced. I wish i knew all these tools at that time.

    I would definitely have expressed my feelings (which were about sadness and loss of affection) if I had known how to do so without expectation, blaming or making him wrong.

    This is a great opportunity for you to practice that scenario..mind if i have a crack at it?

    ” I was feeling so sore and achy too. Now I feel quite comforted and warm after a long bath . Today I was feeling so exhausted shovelling that I started wishing and hoping you would come and do my shovelling for me ! I so wanted someone bigger and stronger to come help me. I dont want to overload you but next time I would love to ask for your help . What do you think ?”



  381.  #381Starbright on February 22, 2013 at 8:56 pm

    Asking as Sirenity suggests here is one way to find out already where he stands with this type of act of service.

    And, you then get to decide if his answer feels good or not and gives more information about the relationship and your expectations.



  382.  #382Rori Raye on February 22, 2013 at 10:34 pm

    Pe – thank you so much for this – it’s a great illustration. Love, Rori



  383.  #383Jilly on February 22, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    Starbright…thank you!! 🙂 YOU sound great!! 🙂



  384.  #384Emerson on February 22, 2013 at 11:40 pm

    There’s a new thread up



  385.  #385Rebecca on February 23, 2013 at 5:45 am

    I feel useless. I feel cr@p. I feel like I get everything wrong – and I can’t do my job properly. I feel sad. I feel low and disappointed in myself. Why do I always feel like this? Why can’t things change for me?

    What AM I doing wrong??

    I feel scared….

    I’m going to sink into my feelings….



  386.  #386Rebecca on February 23, 2013 at 5:48 am

    I feel that there are things that I “should” know but I don’t. I feel so ashamed and naive… I feel so angry with myself…



  387.  #387Goddess Lily on February 24, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    Elsie, I know I’m late on the snow situation but I get you. I sooooooo get you. Shoveling snow is no easy task, certainly not that much of it. Right or wrong, I feel the exact same way you did every time it snows.



  388.  #388kristin on February 26, 2013 at 8:01 am

    will your program work or be relatable if i am long distance from the man i love and want? trying to build trust and friendship, but he’s reluctant because of the distance? what about the old fashioned days, when all there were, were letters? waiting always on the mail or pony express? haha
    but really, is that a lazy excuse on his part to not go deeper over the phone, text because of not being in person all the time?
    please let me know if i am wasting my time. because i care and am growing so fond of him!



  389.  #389Daria on February 26, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    Wow I just had a scary date ! And I want to see what triggered me



  390.  #390Daria on February 26, 2013 at 11:26 pm

    Wow I just had a scary date ! And I want to see what triggered me

    ::

    Me: I want to take it slow

    Him: we are taking it slow

    Me: yes. We are.

    Ok so… ‘most men’ i know would not be triggered. This man was.

    He was completely hurt turned off in his heart.

    Maybe he hadn’t gotten this close to a woman ever.

    Awwww

    Pattern: saying that.

    What is that.

    I’m taking control: ‘we are doing this’

    Yes I’m ‘justified’ cuz I’ve always done this about my body . And pushed guys away…

    When it gets ‘persobal’

    I don’t want to give up control over my body.

    And yet it is in their control ong.

    Violating their masculinity because of my fear.

    Of feeling unloved not treated gently and kind.

    Yes I love my fear.

    Abd j don’t want ti violate my men no matter how personal n scared n vulnerable I feel.

    I love me.

    Thank you for the honor to write this.



  391.  #391Ardath on February 27, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    I’ve been following your newsletters for a while now, thanks to a friend who put me on to your service. I am looking for some advice, and thought maybe you could help.

    I am 23 years old, from London, UK and living with my American boyfriend in a house my parents bought for me. It started out with him renting a room from me, because we were really good friends at school, and there were two other girls living here too. He is a really gifted musician, and was down on his luck when he moved in, and we had been close. I have always been a little nuts about him, and he came on really strong for a while, then backed away when he moved in because he was really depressed about how his career was going.

    To cheer him up, we put a movie theatre in his room, which is in the basement, and I started hanging out there more and more until one thing led to another, and now I’m just madly in love. Long story short, my mum helped him buy a very expensive musical instrument, (which my dad refused to do; my father sits on the board of a few groups he plays in and the school where he teaches) and he hasn’t paid any rent since he moved in and we started sleeping together. He has pretty much moved up stairs into my room, and kind of “owns” the place. The other roommates are very irritated by this, and the fact that I have helped him financially and with his visa. One of them has moved out and the other is threatening to, since they think he is using me, she even called me his “slave” to another friend. He is really sweet and affectionate and we have a great time together, and he has helped me a lot with my goals, but people think I am being used and I am starting to wonder, because we’ve been together for about 18 months now and he doesn’t seem interested in getting married anytime soon. He is still poor and there had been a girl in the US he was interested in until we got together… I don’t expect he will be making gobs of money, and to be frank, that doesn’t matter to me because my family has considerable means, but it seems to be important to everyone else.

    I’d like to find out how serious his intentions toward me are, and wonder if you have any advice.
    Thanks,
    Ardath



  392.  #392Rori Raye on February 28, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Ardath, Welcome, and thank you for sharing your unique and interesting – and challenging story. You seem way too young to worry about marriage right now – and if you’re enjoying what’s actually happening – I see no reason to question it! If he, in the long run, is not the one for you – would you still rather end it, knowing that, than enjoy it? I’d rather enjoy a wonderful lover, friend and companion – all in the comfort of my own home! Love, Rori



  393.  #393Ardath on February 28, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    Thank you so much! That is what my heart tells me, too, and I’m not going to worry too much, especially about what other people think.



  394.  #394Rosa on February 28, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    Rori, i have to agree with you , i have been through alot this past year and some what still learning how to handle some things,.. i have not became no expert, by no means, , Ardath, dont rush marriage, cause if you do.. then once your married and you two love together, you may decide down the road, let say 3 months, maybe longer, that he is not the one for you , plus you would be kicking your self in the booty saying, well i should have waited to learn what this guys is like before i went and done some thing crazy, like getting married to him . there is kinda a old saying, you always wanna make sure you read the whole book( meaning you wanna make sure you know what this guy is all about , ) before you go just reading the contents of the book or even reading a couple chapters , i promise ya this, he may seem like the person you want to be with the rest of your life, but the minute you get married, it all changes, for some reason i dont know why , but men do . some women change to . even though its just a ceremony and a piece of paper we sign .. stating it was legal. but if your okay with how things are going like Rori, was talking about, why change it ???? give it some time and thought before you go jumping in the fire and wind up getting burned ,,, you always wanna test the heat first before you go all in . i wish you the best and good luck to you. iam not professional but i do know what iam talking about , l have learned some things the hard way , and now i would like to be able to give some one advice or my opinion weather it helps out or not or weather others take my advice , often i have taken my own advice,.. best wishes ardath. hope we can become friends.



  395.  #395Redtornado on March 1, 2013 at 7:09 am

    Hi All! I have been reading and enjoying this blog for some time and want to say thank you to all who open up and write. This is my first time writing. I am presently in a relationship with the first person who I can honestly say I love. I say this because I have been married 2x but didn’t love either. It took me 24 years to love myself enough to leave the first one and the second didnt take me as long only one year to be exact. I am a very confident woman and carry myself that way. I spent time really learning to accept and love myself as is so i don’t believe it’s an accident that Tom came into my life at the right time. I’ve known him for years. We went out for the first time 10 months ago. He has done all the pursuing. He moved in 8 months ago. I believe that the man should make all the moves and we should respond to the point that I wait for him to text me in the morning first, always. I make sure I thank him for everything. We have a relationship better than I thought possible. I have one issue I’m having a hard time with and am hoping some one can give me the tools to change the way I react to it. Tom will check out other women when we go out. Not the way some men do and I think he doesn’t even realize hes doing it half the time but I get offended non the less.hes awesome to me in everyway, honestly! I just don’t know how to address it without sounding insecure and petty. Please help!,



  396.  #396Rori Raye on March 1, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Red – Welcome, Brava to you – and about the other women – in this case, please, you’ve gotta get a sense of humor, enjoy the fact that he’s virile enough to be interested, and LET IT GO!! Every single man looks at the breasts or other body parts of women who pass by. If they tell you they don’t, they’re lying to you. If a man does something rude, like ignoring you to look at another woman for 5 minutes – then you can say something like – “wow, what a great body she has…” and rub your own hips against him in approval. If you need extra help with this, go to Dominique at http://www.sexandheart.com – she’ll set you straight. Please, please don’t let this shut you down! Love, Rori



  397.  #397Redtornado on March 1, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Thank you!! He’s so amazing in every other way, almost a dream! He greeted me by throwing open the door when I got home last night and saying “hi Baby, I couldn’t wait to see you!” He just bought a house for us to move into. I know this issue comes from childhood and my dad leaving me behind when he’d come to get my brothers. I ll work on letting it go!!



  398.  #398true love on March 2, 2013 at 7:56 am

    I have just began to read your news articles because I have been a girlfriend for 7 years an a mother for 3 years. My relationship is at the end of the rope, everything you have talked about is happening to me. He is distant, don’t care and talks mean to me, I wont to turn it all around. I have read your articles an watched the sample videos but I’m still not very confident in what to do. Being a stay at home mom with no job I haven’t got the money to buy the program’s and I’m desperate to find a way to be happy with my life.



  399.  #399Rori Raye on March 4, 2013 at 1:08 am

    truelove – Welcome, and the way to turn this around is with money. Because you’re completely dependent on your man financially, you don’t have the option to simply leave. I want to encourage you to find some kind of part time work you can do from home, or during the time when your child is in preschool. Nearly anything would do, that brings you enough money to feel better about yourself. Then spend the $2-0 on my ebook and really, really practice everything – including Circular Dating (read more here and you’ll get what it’s about)…Love, Rori



  400.  #400Redtornado on March 4, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Hi Rori- I wanted to thank you again for sending me to sex and heart. The information was just what I needed!! I used to dread going anywhere but after reading the blog on what men are really thinking/doing when looking at other women I felt calm at the idea of us going to a motorcycle rally. I made sure I looked amazing and I held myself and head high. I felt totally safe and secure as we walked around. I was approached by women and men being complimented on my hair and outfit which made me feel better and kept my guy on his toes! LOL
    I’m also happy to say that I saw some very attractive models walking around so I made it a point to walk up and tell them how amazing they looked as I don’t think as women we do that enough to each other. My guy was enjoying it so much that he asked me to have my picture taken with them, so I did! When I showed him the pictures later he was laughing and said they don’t really look that great but I have you anyway! He then told my son about our day and said, “your moms so cool she was really nice to all these girls”.

    Thank you because this was a real help in adjusting my thinking to reflect reality instead of gremlins :)!!

    Love to All!



  401.  #401Dominique on March 4, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Redtornado – I feel SO proud of you!!! You did amazingly….I love that you went up to a few women and told them how beautiful they looked. YAY you!!!

    And look at the response you got. Awesome. 🙂

    xxoo



  402.  #402Linda G on March 17, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    I feel I can relate to this original post as I find I am always putting up obstacles I need to cross before I can go out and connect with men again; lose weight, take a workshop, get through a program, etc.

    I finally convinced myself to go online, got very few responses to a great profile and picture, feeling it’s my age, I am 58, I have kids, etc. But still I look at each encounter as practice.

    The few calls I had finally gotten always break the coffee date, or decide not to make one after speaking with me.

    Today this happened. When I told my father, he remarked how rude that was. I said I didn’t care, in fact when I saw the guy emailed me just 2 hours before the date, I was expecting him to cancel.
    The fact is, I did care and this realization put me in a foul mood. My father further remarked I am “poison”; to every attempt at anyone’s trying to make me happy.

    I am listening to all the programs, for the second time; several years I got brilliant results but then shut down one good man after another. I took a long break; my life is complicated, very high maintenance child etc.

    There is a song “She Was Born with a Broken Heart”. I feel sometimes it’s me they are singing about.

    I am compassionate, gentle, socially and politically aware, but always like the puppy or child jumping up and down trying to look through the window at the lives occurring on the other side of the glass.

    I am not even sure I belong on this blog…

    Ironically, I have counseled more than one girlfriend to meet and marry the man of her dreams.



  403.  #403Linda on March 18, 2013 at 3:06 am

    In other words, sometimes the inner nasty voice gets a leg up from the outside



  404.  #404Ludmila on March 24, 2013 at 8:25 am

    Dear Rori,I feel so happy to find you and feel that there is no word to describe my gratification.
    I feel my story might show how desperate i felt few years ago and how things turned around. We emigrated to a new country as a young couple with a small son. Life felt good, openning up full of opportunyties and expectations. By this time it was five of us. I felt so happy, I loved my children,I loved my husband. I new at that time that my family was always first. I worked, cooked, cleaned, entertained, and cared of our children. I would read my children bedtime story in two languages. Time went fast…in the meantime my husband tried to be more supportive by openning his own small business. So when he needed a bookkeeper I went to a college and offered help with it. I helped even though he was not asking for it…Than he started travelling…a few times a year. I began to to feel left out, that everything is about his business and nothing else…He stopped working on the house, our vacations had to be short, there was no person to replace him…so I tried to make myself busy , hoping things would imrove with time. Then I lost my job..I felt devastated and started to feel useless..so my husband asked me, if I could help him with some pickups/deliveries. I gladly agreed. I felt so proud to be helping him more, so he can dedicate more time to planning and groing his business, it could only benefit us ,I thought. I was wrong…half a year later i come home and see an open screen with a love letter on it. I felt, that this was a bad dream, that it was not me standing there. My head went spinning, how after 27 ears of maridge this can happen ? Why me ? Why ? Rori that day was the second most horrible day in my life ( I felt ). Tears are pouring down my cheeks now….Series of many dramatic confrontations and arguments began between us..ooh”it was a fling, it would fade away….” I was told…So I went and searched e-mails, text messages, phone bills, and found it
    all…I felt sooo drained no energy no desire and eventually numb. I wish I had your tools then Rori…I felt lost I felt drowning…We both agreed to stay together. He loved me but was not in love and I loved him still. How could this relationship work after what happenned between us ? I told myself ” you are not going to give up” and tried to talk to him, make some sense out of things…I had always hit a wall. He would close up for a couple of days than he would tell me, that I did something unkind …. Our relatinship continued like a rollercoaster, when many times I felt like leaving him for good. Then feeling at the end of my rope I found you Rori..and after reading your posts I felt like a kindergaten kid in school. I feel my tears comming down now. I started reading your book, using your tools, leening back…feeling messages… I practised….stumbled.. Than I bought your Toxic Man Program…. At that point I felt frustrated that I don’t see much of a result. I read your blog ( thank you sirens), I felt more hope, so I read your new book Rori and bought all your programs. I felt that things can be only better, if I grow… And now I have the fruit falling into my lap…. Again tears are comming down my cheeks… Happinness…maybe…. Yesterday, when I came home from work, he came towards me and gave me a hug..i felt like butter…melting… Last night he gave me a massage I had not asked for…( “lean back and be surprised “). This morning I got breakfast in bed…. This we had promised each other thirty years ago ( yes we are together thirty years), and it became thrue. Thank you Rori from the bottom of my heart. Ludmila