Is Marriage Really All That?

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I’ve always said that if you’re in your 50’s or older – are you sure “marriage” is your goal?

Many women who are financially successful (or at least stable and can take care of themselves for the rest of their lives), have a great social life, great personal interests, friends, and enjoy their lives on a spiritual and fun level have simply chosen NOT to marry.

They actually prefer the idea of having “lovers” – live-in and not, male travelling companions, a man who shares a house and travel – all kinds of other circumstances that don’t include marriage. The reason being – they don’t want the RESPONSIBILITY of “taking care” of a man late in life.

And they’re not worried about being “taken care of” – and so the trade off seems like a bad deal.

What about you? Does it matter what “age” you’re “over”? Is marriage really the be-all-and-end-all of relationship and love?

What exactly do you expect it to do for you, in particular?

Are you really, internally, in your heart and mind, fighting relationship because you really, deep inside, don’t want the “responsibility”?

At some point in any relationship – the physical fire recedes, and sex becomes about partnership – making time for it to happen, giving attention to it, making it happen, processing through it.

Sex no longer has a “life of its own” and takes off by itself. It needs to be considered, thought about, scheduled. Physical health gets factored in. Time and energy get factored in.

It’s your emotional and historical bonds with a man that keep the energy, love and sex flowing.

Even simple “fun” takes on a new meaning.

So – is it possible that there are other lifestyles beside marriage that would not only work for you – but work BETTER for you – and also give a man such a feeling of space and freedom and – yes – instability! –  that would actually enhance the dynamic of the relationship?

If you could get past your own insecurities, and know that you’d actually be happy to trade responsibility for a bit of not-knowing the future – you might be open to something other than marriage.

For most of us though – marriage is so traditionally meaningful – it carries us through our own rough patches.  We want what we’re supposed to have.

The thing is – if you could get past your fear of your future, and you could choose ANY kind of relationship – committed, lifelong, married, a series of fabulous lovers – how would you like that to look?  Really?

Could you see a string of great lovers until a certain age – and then want a lifelong companion?  Or can you see a long-term relationship and then freedom to be on your own – even in a retirement community when you’re in your 90’s?

Does the word “boyfriend” tickle you more than the word “husband”?

Does it really make a difference?

Different men feel differently about all of this – just like you do.

So, depending on how you really feel deep down (or what your deep inner beliefs you may not even be aware of are telling you what you feel) – that’s likely the way a man you’ll attract and be attracted to will feel deep down.

Even if it seems like you pick men who are the OPPOSITE of what you want – perhaps there’s actually a MATCH there that’s hidden from you. A match that’s way deeper than what you think you want.

We push away men out of fear and the need to control that comes from fear.

We insist on “official bonds and labels” in order to feel safe.

We ignore our own needs for adventure and variety and carefree-ness because we insist we need safety and security in order to have the lives we want.

Life is a balancing act.

There’s no way NOT to “teeter.”

So – do we get up on the “high wire” or stay off it?

AND – is marriage a high wire, or staying grounded?!!

Tricked you there!

Marriage can be a high wire act, or a retreat to a cave on land.

It can be whatever it most means to you.

The question is – if a man is perfectly good and wonderful, and your desire for marriage alone scares him – do you craft a different attitude and see what happens? Or do you leave him and focus only on men who are marriage-minded?

What are the trade-offs here?

In my opinion – if you treat a man in a truly loving way with absolutely NO agenda about what YOU’LL get out of it, if you love him and accept him unconditionally, if you have fun together and good sex together and laugh and can cry together – he’ll feel so unpressured that he’ll instinctively move closer and closer to you and eventually want to seal the deal officially, for his own reasons.

But the journey to being with a man and having NO agenda is the tricky part.

And that’s what Circular Dating is for. For making you feel like you can abandon your agenda and just feel your way from man to man, experience to experience, until one scenario, one man, one situation appeals to you enough to go in whatever direction it takes you.

Marriage is a great goal – because often the best men want to be married.

And then there’s George Clooney. He doesn’t want to be married, he doesn’t want to have children. Yet.

You get to decide where you want to be in this – and how much instability you can tolerate as a trade off to how a relationship feels to you.

Love, Rori



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  1.  #1Shar lean way back on October 29, 2012 at 7:33 am

    I am 55 and just married for the 2nd time. I was divorced for 27 years. I have to say the minute we were married I felt more bonded.

  2.  #2Olympia on October 29, 2012 at 7:55 am

    I am 32, never been married, enjoyed an adventure of boyfriends, vacation flings, lovers…. Where I am in life now, I believe in marriage, I want the responsibilities that come with it. I want to have kids too, within a marriage.

    I have been using Rori’s tools, and it amazes me how freely my boyfriend talks about a future together now, and we’ve only been exclusive for 2 months! I had a relationship for 3 and a half years where we never talked that way.

    I feel excited about this topic!

    Hope all the East coast sirens are staying safe and dry today!

  3.  #3April Rose on October 29, 2012 at 8:09 am

    “So – is it possible that there are other lifestyles beside marriage that would not only work for you – but work BETTER for you – and also give a man such a feeling of space and freedom and – yes – instability! – that would actually enhance the dynamic of the relationship?”

    Hmmmm. I like the idea of a creative relationship. Especially a kind of ‘marriage’ where we don’t live together day in day out. I believe the humdrum feeling creeps in. I want my relationship to stay alive and sparky.

  4.  #4Agni on October 29, 2012 at 8:22 am

    I feel confused by this: “if you treat a man in a truly loving way with absolutely NO agenda about what YOU’LL get out of it…” I understand the importance of no pressure/agenda, but isn’t part of being a siren being more concerned with how YOU feel rather than what he feels?

  5.  #5April Rose on October 29, 2012 at 8:22 am

    “We push away men out of fear and the need to control that comes from fear.”

    Oh yes.
    This is how I lost WM.
    I did not ‘let him in’.

    Until now.

    Yesterday I was carrying some glasses and I tripped and fell on them and they smashed. WM ran over to me and insisted on checking my hand for cuts. One finger had a deep cut and blood coming from it.

    He took charge and led me into the kitchen and I ran water on the wound whilst he went to fetch the first aid kit.

    Then he sat me at the table and cleaned my finger with antiseptic and then put a plaster on it.

    The whole time this was happening I felt soft and grateful and cared for. I hardly spoke. The feeling of his warm fingers on my skin melted me and I surrendered to his care.

    He put the plaster on just right – not too tight or too loose.

    I feel amazed at these moments we shared. I felt happy and safe in his care.

  6.  #6Calypso on October 29, 2012 at 8:31 am

    I honestly don’t know if I will ever want to be married again. I was married for 23 years and now I have to pay him alimony – marriage did not equal stability for me and I don’t see what I would get out of it. The thought of it right now makes me feel “trapped” – I like the freedom to chose and the fact that I have my own home and my own space.

    I’m open to the idea of this changing in the future – after more time goes by and maybe if i meet the right man or if one of the men in my life already convinces me that it is worth it.

    No rush – that’s for sure! I’m 48 and I like being single.

  7.  #7Goddess Lily on October 29, 2012 at 8:35 am

    Posting to get this to come to my email.

  8.  #8Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 8:37 am

    I choose lifelong companion!

    “In my opinion – if you treat a man in a truly loving way with absolutely NO agenda about what YOU’LL get out of it, if you love him and accept him unconditionally, if you have fun together and good sex together and laugh and can cry together – he’ll feel so unpressured that he’ll instinctively move closer and closer to you and eventually want to seal the deal officially, for his own reasons.”

    I don’t know if J and I will ever “seal the deal officially” but he/we certainly “sealed the deal” emotionally. To me, that is way more loving than doing it “officially”. I love where we’re at. It (to us) feels more like what marriage is supposed to be. We look around and see ourselves in a much better “marriage” than any of our married friends. Someone is shining a light on us and we’re incredibly grateful for that.

    Much Love,

  9.  #9Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 8:39 am

    I said this: ” than any of our married friends” but meant this “than most of our married friends”.

    Much Love,

  10.  #10April Rose on October 29, 2012 at 8:41 am


    For me, having an agenda is the same as having expectations.
    I have felt so frustrated with my expectations not being met.
    Dropping them allows him to come towards me in HIS way.

  11.  #11Agni on October 29, 2012 at 8:52 am

    @April Rose. Yes, I agree. How does one distinguish then between expectations/agenda and standards/boundaries? I get confused and have been hurt.

  12.  #12Heart on October 29, 2012 at 8:56 am

    Gosh, I had a bit of an ah-ha moment tonight…I was chatting with a guy and practicing sharing my feelings and the conversation was going great…and he said I should trust him and he would offer me a sweet friendship…

    So I thanked him but then said : I want to have fun and I want romance …

    Here’s the interesting part, I cringed when I wrote “I want romance” ….Wow…I believe I might have also felt embarassed by writing that…

    The guy said he wanted romance too and that he was just too shy to write that….hmmm..

    Why did I cringe – is it because I’m stuck in masculine energy r am I just turned off by convential notions of romance?
    I feel so intrigued by this cringing…

  13.  #13MissStix on October 29, 2012 at 9:06 am


    Thank you. Thank you thank you!

    My marriage fell apart so quickly and heart-breakingly after our wedding. I find it feels impossible to equate a wedding with stability, safety, connection, a bond. I no longer feel any emotion around weddings. No more triggers. But the feelings are so non-existant…I might go so far as to say a ring and a wedding means nothing to me now. So, if it means nothing to me…I can see no valid reason to want to do it.

    I also look at my current relationship and feel so floored by it sometimes. I feel a little bit amazed at how fully, openly, and un-conditionally a man can commit to me without any kind of desire for “official” on my part. One thing I know for sure…I would have to PUSH him away for this man to ever leave my side. Since the “pushing” has changed roles with the “being”…The pushing, now, looks and feels like an incredible amount of spent effort and energy, and the being looks and feels so effortless…I simply can not see that happening.

    What I want is a solid, strong, lifelong bond with a good man who has strong values. I have it. I need nothing more.

  14.  #14Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 9:07 am

  15.  #15Starla on October 29, 2012 at 9:07 am

    my uncle and his family live on long beach NY, 1000 ft from the bay and 3000 ft from the beach, and their island is flooding big time, and they decided to just stay put…. and this bothers me big time.
    trigger of the week.

  16.  #16Tam on October 29, 2012 at 9:08 am

    revealing oneself is always a bit cringey…I feel very scared about speaking my mind and my truth..especially in feeling messages..I cringe often.

  17.  #17Heart on October 29, 2012 at 9:10 am

    So …I’m not attracting Overtly romantic situation because I closed to it…I feel afraid & shut-down-ish and numb and umomfy and embarassed when men try to get overly romantic… Eek
    And yet I say I want romance…
    I like it…but in moderate doses…
    Wow…such an interesting realization.

  18.  #18Tam on October 29, 2012 at 9:11 am

    oh Starla….we had a big storm surge here and it was not even close, streets are still getting flooded at high tide. I hope they will be ok.

  19.  #19Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 9:11 am

    MissStix: “What I want is a solid, strong, lifelong bond with a good man who has strong values. I have it. I need nothing more.”


    Much Love,

  20.  #20T-Girl on October 29, 2012 at 9:15 am

    Its not marriage that scares me but the ability to sustain a life long love. Does it even exist anymore? I hope so.

  21.  #21Heart on October 29, 2012 at 9:15 am

    16 – Tam – that is so true…but this time it felt like I was being fake…like I was pretending to want something I didn’t want…Like I was Speaking My Lie rather than speaking my truth.

    Hmm how do you know the difference between speaking your truth and Speaking your lie.

    I feel confused by my own motivations.

  22.  #22Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 9:20 am

    T-Girl – Yes I think so, maybe more especially so if you come together later in life, for by then you really know what you want and don’t want. But this could be true just as well for a younger couple.

    I have this. Miss M has this. Rori has this, and I know of others, not many, but this is not meant to discourage, actually quite the opposite.

    Too many head into marriage or “marriage” with blinders on. Since you are here, you no longer have these blinders. So yay all of you. Brava.


  23.  #23MissStix on October 29, 2012 at 9:26 am


    For me, it looks like this (and this feels very important to me so I will try to explain it right):

    My journey with Rori, and being a siren started out with this in mind “how can I get a man to stand by me? How can I positively make changes so I become the desirable woman. So I can feel secure?”

    Along the way I have made so many discoveries about myself, my feelings, my needs. I have spent so much time and thought and felt so much with this process. Now, it has become 100% entirely about taking care of my own feelings and needs. I can feel, and my own feelings are about nobody but me. Regardless of what or who triggered those feelings.

    So…What has happened is that my expectations, my needs, my desires have naturally become severed from anyone other than myself. It isn’t about any man, or what he wants, needs, desires or how that relates to me. Having a man desire me fully and commit to me has become a separate entity. A wonderful thing that has happened in my life.

    What i’m about to say next isn’t “advice” it is just what happened…

    When a strong and committed relationship became separate, and no longer the “goal” of feeling and healing…It is just what happened. Poof. Magic.

  24.  #24Heart on October 29, 2012 at 9:29 am

    ♬and I was like baby baby baby ooh
    like baby baby baby noo

  25.  #25ruth on October 29, 2012 at 9:34 am

    What a refreshing take on the subject of marriage

  26.  #26CurvySiren10 on October 29, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Wow I love this post Rori. I have SO many thoughts about this…. I have very strong, personal feelings about the concept of “LAT” (Living Apart Together) where couples make a conscious, mutal decision to be committed (and often legally married) but do NOT care to combine living space and/or finances and/or personal property. It’s often a living arrangement of choice for older couples with their own commitments and lives and children that they do NOT wish to “blend”. But young couples do it too. It’s become common enough to become a census category. Over a million in the US, three times that amount in Europe.

    I am personally living this right now and LOVING it for oh-so-many reasons. But I am over 50 and starting over (like Calypso) after a 23 year marriage. I just wasn’t ready for that collision type of relationship and this is a very real option to be committed without that happening.

    April Rose, I have those same fears about keeping the relationship “alive and sparky”. I think there is built-in resentment and complacency with live-in relationships. At least for me. I’ve learned that about myself and am respecting it.

    I feel curious to hear other’s thoughts and feelings on this blog topic.

  27.  #27Goddess Lily on October 29, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Awww sh!!!!!t

    My man crack from ages ago just friended me on fb. mother effing f. Yeah I said it. He stopped talking to me because his cousin lied to him about us. And although I was hurt, that was probably the only way I was gonna let that one go…..and now he’s back?

    I choose to believe he is reappearing to test me. My ultimate test.

  28.  #28MissStix on October 29, 2012 at 9:45 am


    So, what is my goal?

    My goal is…To walk through anything in life with feeling, grace, and power. To feel strength even in the deepest possible despair. To see myself as beautiful, radiant, and lovable. To really feel each moment in life. Even the tough moments, the scary moments, the sad ones. To live my life, and gain my wisdom and knowlege through feeling and experiencing. To share these feelings and experiences with people I love. Openly. To me, the meaning of life has always been experience. This goal feels solid and relevant to what life means to me. I thank Rori from the depths of my soul for leading me down a path of feeling. I see no other way, now, to fully experience life without fully feeling it.

  29.  #29Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 9:46 am

    “I have those same fears about keeping the relationship “alive and sparky”. I think there is built-in resentment and complacency with live-in relationships.” – Awwww…I think that’s sad…and I hope it isn’t true. I refuse to believe it is true for me, but I hope it isn’t true for anyone else either. I don’t think there’s a “built in” anything in a live-in relationship. I think relationships are what we allow them to be. I allow mine to be alive and sparky. 🙂

    Much Love,

  30.  #30Starla on October 29, 2012 at 9:50 am

    all my romantic desires are coming for me
    i feel open and deserving

  31.  #31MissStix on October 29, 2012 at 9:50 am

    That moment of soul wrenching despair 4 years ago is equally as important and meaningful to that moment of insane blissfull ecstasy in the waves in St. Maarten last spring.

  32.  #32Smile on October 29, 2012 at 9:51 am

    Hi Megan, 1088 from previous thread.

    Oo actually I was in a rush on my way out to work. I meant to post this. The one below it.

    I find it useful to find bits. It’s where I found the article I posted that related to your situation.

  33.  #33Smile on October 29, 2012 at 9:51 am

    I’m off to buy a pretty dress!!!

  34.  #34MissStix on October 29, 2012 at 9:52 am

    Both moments taught me something.

    I love that I could feel so intensly good with no man by my side. I also love that I could feel so intensely bad with a man by my side. I love it all. I learn from it all.

  35.  #35CurvySiren10 on October 29, 2012 at 9:52 am

    Mercedes, I agree that relationships are what we allow them to be, but so many people don’t have the insight, skills or awareness that fosters a healthy “alive and sparky” relationship. I know that it is all about what works for you, just adding in my two cents about what works for ME…and why. I LOVE this arrangement, while respecting that it wouldn’t be right or enough for someone else.

    What I meant about the “built in” statement is that without awareness and ability to communicate, keep the relationship resentment free etc. that couples often quickly fade into a “built in” state of conflict over things that are inherent to sharing space and “things”.

    I know that you don’t have the financial meld in your relationship (something very important to me too) so you “get” some of what I’m trying to say I think.

    I just loved Rori’s take on how “happily ever after” can mean very different things to different people.

  36.  #36ruth on October 29, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Curvy Siren.Yes quite so.
    we are all different

  37.  #37Goddess Lily on October 29, 2012 at 9:59 am

    And apparently he’s engaged! Wtf! D@mn you fb!

  38.  #38Starla on October 29, 2012 at 10:06 am

    I stopped taking my daily supplements, as amazing as they were, because the b vitamins in them are making me breakout pretty bad.

    These supplements have amazing antioxidants in them, and made me feel amazing, but vanity won.

    So I went to the grocery store and bought loads of fresh veggies and fruits, and I intend to eat like a goddess every day.

    I am learning that the human body doesn’t need to eat nearly as much as we’ve been told by society, but this is a major thing to shift mentally and physically, and I’m not sure how to explain how I got to this point. But in cutting out meat and being very mindful about what I’m putting in my body, I seem to have achieved a certain kind of enlightenment and mastery about food and my health.

  39.  #39Starla on October 29, 2012 at 10:07 am

    oh yeah, and i successfully dyed my hair very dark all by myself without creating a huge mess or looking awful. i like being a dark brunette:)

  40.  #40BAB on October 29, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Humm I’m struggling with the feeling this brings up. When my parents split after 8 kids and 35 some yrs together I made a vary rash angry statement to myself that I never wanted to get married and have kids so as not to put them through what I was going through. Now I believe I only sad that out of grief and sadness because everything I had know and believed was suddenly turned upside down. But a very small part of me wonders if it was true on a deeper level and that Iam now just scared of what that’s means…

  41.  #41Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Calypso, CurvySiren, and any others feeling concerned about the spark dying. It doesn’t have to. It hasn’t for us at all, and we don’t have to schedule any of it in. It just is. Even after ten years, even after finally marrying this part June, we still have an abundant attraction for each other with an equally abundant sex life. And the care and affection is also still VERY present.


  42.  #42Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Oh and certainly not a trace of resentment or complacency. I can’t even imagine this.


  43.  #43Shar lean way back on October 29, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Starla, did you write down what you were eating to become more aware? Or make a mental note? I know you said you weren’t sure how you arrived to the “enlightment” but any tips you can think of?

  44.  #44Femininewoman on October 29, 2012 at 10:17 am

    RE 41 Dominique I know of a couple in their 70s that this seem to be the case also. At least around the attraction. I feel deeply touched when I see them together and how he seems to be tender towards her. Some dementia has obviously started for her but he seems to be unperturbed by it.

  45.  #45Nadia on October 29, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Agni, I’m with you. I have a hard time walking this fine line of not having expectations and yet not being a doormat. I think a part of self worth is actually being able to have expectations by raising the bar and realizing you won’t settle for crumbs. To me, this feels healthy.

  46.  #46Calypso on October 29, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Dominique – I’m actually not worried about the spark dying – I know it can be kept quite healthy and alive – I’m just not interested in being legally bound to man at this point in my life. My ex husband was not a good provider for me and our sons and now I am legally required to pay him alimony every month. I want the love and affection and sex and travel and friendship and all the rest, but i also want the freedom (for both of us) to know it is not a legal committment. Not right now, anyway.

  47.  #47Tam on October 29, 2012 at 10:35 am

    I totally understand CurvySirens point also, having been in living together and not living together relationships. It is different. Complacency does sneak in, can also call it ‘feeling comfortable with each other’…not necessarily bad? For someone like me who is essentially shy, it helps me open up to a partner. However, I have not been in, or seen one relationship where this doesn’t manifest in some way, a little tiny way, or a big way – can be in a good way and in a bad way.
    Otherwise we would not have saying like ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ – I know this reads harsh and I will get a lot of stick for this, but it is what it is.
    Still, if I had the choice I would choose to be in a live together relationship or marriage as I like the closeness, it feels good to me.
    But also, there are people who do not.
    I guess everybody is different.

  48.  #48Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Nadia – There is a difference between having boundaries an having expectations. The latter will disappoint you most every time.


  49.  #49Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Calypso – And this is awesome. This is about you having the relationship YOU want.

    I didn’t want the legal thing either. But more recently, it became more difficult not having it, so we did finally marry. I don’t feel any different at all.

    You may or may not change your mind, and it really doesn’t matte as long as you have what YOU want.

    love to you.


  50.  #50Tam on October 29, 2012 at 10:44 am

    I never wanted/believed in marriage.
    However, recent events have shown me that for a man who thinks of a woman of his forever woman, marriage is on the table even if she might not want it.
    I had the biggest self confessed commitment phobe in Florida offering to marry me – so I am absolutely sticking by that. I feel even extremely amused just to know this fact.
    I also had a man fresh out of a divorce, well couple of years, who had previously announced that he would ‘never get married ever again’ ask me to marry him.
    So although I do not need marriage – I definitely want ‘my man’ to want to marry me – does that make sense? Because it helps putting me at ease that he would actually see me as marriage material, i e his woman.
    I never believed in that but now I do.

  51.  #51Agni on October 29, 2012 at 10:47 am


    Thank you for sharing. I too want a journey like the one you’ve been on, where I am at the center of my healing, and everything else is icing on the cake. I still feel at a loss of how to take care of my own needs, what that looks like and feels like for me. Sometimes–actually often–my feelings feel SO BAD–sad and painful, that I drown in them. I’d love to know more about your process, if you are willing to share. I also have the belief that the right relationship can enhance healing. How did the strong and committed relationship become separate?

  52.  #52FlowerChild77 on October 29, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Dominique…could you explain, somewhat, the difference between having boundaries and expectations? I find myself wondering about this along with the others who’ve expressed confusion about it.

    I’m thinking that having expectations would bring ‘attachment to the outcome’ and probably has something to do with it, but I’m still not clear in my mind as to the real difference.

    How can we tell if we’re being a Siren (high degree of difficulty, etc.) or if we’re going into a situation with ‘expectations.’ Is it attitude? As in, the man doesn’t treat us the way we want/need and we just say, “Next” instead of making him wrong?

  53.  #53Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Tam – 47 – “familiarity breeds contempt” – oh no hon, it doesn’t have to. how about instead, familiarity breeds contentment. this is what I have, and I am not alone in this.


  54.  #54Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Flowerchild – It sounds as though you do understand. Boundaries are those things which would be deal breakers when crossed. As long as your boundaries are more or less clear (and it’s okay to have them be flexible; I actually encourage this as a part of being surprised and in awe in most ever moment), the rest just try to remain as open as possible, more of being surprised.

    Allow him to show you love in HIS way, and learn to love it if not prefer it. Instead of having a specific outcome in mind, allow for whatever happens. it might very well be better than anything you could have come up with on your own. But had you had expectations, you wouldn’t have been able to appreciate whatever it is fully if at all. You may have even missed it.

    Did you read the old article of mine I posted on the last thread? it may help clarify more.


  55.  #55BAB on October 29, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Flowerchild- thank you for asking that question and for putting down what you thought about it! So helpful to her your take and then have Dominique answer and give her thoughts. I love keeping everything fresh in my mind.

  56.  #56Tam on October 29, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Dominique, I am not saying it has to, hence I referred to ‘contentment’ in that comment also…but you know, that is the reality for a lot of couples and to say it isn’t would be to close eyes and ears to it.
    I see it all the time.
    Am I the only one?

  57.  #57Goddess Lily on October 29, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Maybe the contempt part comes with couples who didn’t really know each other in the first place.

  58.  #58Tam on October 29, 2012 at 11:32 am

    Goddess Lily, it is possible…but if I really counted all the ‘put downs’ and sniping that people in long term relationships do to each other and I keep catching all around me, then I could have a blog all of myself…it really is sad. The ‘good ones’ seem few and far between.
    Sometimes it seems the ‘glue’ of some relationships is a co-dependency that looks very unhealthy to I am not a cynic just an observer.

  59.  #59Tam on October 29, 2012 at 11:35 am

    even the good – great – relationships I see have more ‘friction’ down the road (not that this is a bad thing), than they had right in the beginning (the in-love chemical stage), or when they were not yet living together – to deny that this is almost ‘natural’ seems a little, ermmmm…false to me?

  60.  #60BAB on October 29, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Tam- Some people learn as children that sniping and put downs are normal and just something that couples do. I know personally I have done it to my SO and it hurt me just about as much as it hurt him, and he has done it to me. We always apologize if we catch ourselfs, but we are not perfect.
    His parents always put each other down and his mother continues to do it to him.. My parents put each other down as well, I’m not saying it is right or an excuse to continue just that maybe these couple you refer to may not even realize it is not health or right?!

  61.  #61Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 11:42 am

    Tam – 56 – I understand, really I do. I guess what I’m suggesting is choose not to see this. Choose to see the good relationships, the ones you would want for you. Law of attraction. The more you look and see these ones, the more of them will appear, one for you even.


  62.  #62Tam on October 29, 2012 at 11:42 am

    Bab, yes, I saw this in my family too – so I do know what I don’t want in my life 😉

  63.  #63Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Dominique – Every single time I thought of a response to something someone else said…well…you already said it. 🙂

    I don’t know what the “norm” is, but I am feeling very, very fortunate to have my love and to know people like you and Rori who also exist with your loves in the same way. So many negative images placed on people in long term relationships…so many hurtful words…so sad really. It doesn’t have to be that way.

    Thank you for being you. 🙂

    Much Love,

  64.  #64Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Tam – Again I don’t see put downs or friction as being natural. This is learned behavior, and without awareness, it will continue. You have the awareness, so why even worry about this happening to you. You can look at these people with compassion, feel sad they haven’t “gotten” it yet.

    I can tell you honestly that any friction experienced in our relationship has been fleeting and every time due to hormones on my part or work related stresses on his, and when I say fleeting, I do mean fleeting.

    We NEVER pit each other down, not ever.

    I choose to believe anyone can have this if this is what’s wanted.


  65.  #65Tam on October 29, 2012 at 11:48 am

    61 Dominique, I had one amazing 5 year relationship already, so I do know…I am just commenting on what I have been observing…and unless I put my hands over my ears and close my eyes like those three monkeys that we all know, I can’t help BUT observe – the good and the bad… 🙂

  66.  #66Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Mercedes – <3

    I don't know how much longer I'll have internet, phone is out, cells to. A tree came down just outside our window. Fun times.


  67.  #67Tam on October 29, 2012 at 11:50 am

    I do believe in the law of attraction to a certain extent, but it has never explained to me why small children die of cancer, starvation, get abused etc etc – they didn’t ‘ask for this by thinking negative thoughts…sooooo you know, of course good feeling thoughts make us all feel good – but there is also reality…feels weird to pretend it isn’t there….but now I feel like I am arguing over a moot point and I have work to so….so no more 😉

  68.  #68BAB on October 29, 2012 at 11:50 am

    Mercedes- Iv noticed a lot of my relationship problems and personal expectations were perpetuated by people around me telling me what I should and shouldn’t do, accept and not accept etc. it really did a number on how I looked at my man. Making me think less of him and our love and I generally making me unhappy. I can not believe I let other people’s negative ideas and there personal expectations that they were projecting onto me and my relationship( style) drag me down 🙁 I feel very sad realizing this and wish I could go back.
    then again I’m feeling a confidence in myself right now that’s, not so bad.. Lol

  69.  #69Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 11:51 am

    Yes Tam, yes, yet I still suggest taking in only what you want for you. The rest doesn’t matter, to YOU. It’s there. You can observe, but try not to invest any more energy into it than that.


  70.  #70FlowerChild77 on October 29, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Thank you Dominique, I guess I do understand. After realizing (and accepting!) D’s “love language” and how HE showed his love—I was so touched and blown away, many times, at how thoughtful and loving he was. It just didn’t LOOK like what I thought it should look like. Didn’t mean it wasn’t real <3

  71.  #71Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Dominique – Be careful dear! J has family in that area too. So worried about everyone.

    Much Love,

  72.  #72MissStix on October 29, 2012 at 11:53 am

    One thing I have noticed in my parents marriage is…When the bicker or argue, and they do, there is almost always an air of good humour, and rarely ever “sniping” or blame.

    And something my mom confided in me (she was 19 when she got married) is that she thought she was in love when she got married, but learned that she had not really been in love with my dad. She said “When I actually fell in love with him, around five years into our marriage, is when I realized I hadn’t been in love with him at all. I just thought I was.” She told me when got married and moved in were the toughest years of their life. They weren’t prepared or ready. I won’t share more than that, as a lot of things she tells me feel so private…

    I think there is so much to learn from my mom, and dad. 40 years together…I only see their bond growing stronger.

  73.  #73Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 11:57 am

    MissStix: Your parents sound amazing! I know so many people who just thought they were in love (been there myself). I’m so happy for your mother (and father) that she did fall in love. That is beautiful!!

    Much Love,

  74.  #74Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 11:59 am

    There you go Flowerchild. When I finally saw how K told me he loved me every day, many times a day, just without words, my whole world changed as did our relationship.


  75.  #75Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    MissStix – Just goes to show that love can grow without having an initial WOW.


  76.  #76FlowerChild77 on October 29, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Dominique (and all who are in the storm’s path) you are in my prayer/meditations that you may be kept safe and that your homes/property are not damaged causing financial hardship, etc.

  77.  #77MissStix on October 29, 2012 at 12:10 pm


    I don’t really know how it became separate…It just kind of happened somewhere along the way. It feels difficult to pinpoint it in my mind to explain it. The process has been such a ride! I guess…I just realized that my worth, my value, my lovable-ness, my beauty do not rest on what men, or the man I am with, think or feel or want or don’t want. They rest solely within me.

    I have felt myself drowning in feelings…I went through a whole process of teaching myself to “shift” feelings before I realized it was more beneficial to love them. I welcome them now. I learn from them. The way I did this, and the only way I know how to do it, is writing those feelings out. Removing all blame. Showing those feelings compassion and love. I know that if no one else in the world has compassion or acceptance for my feelings, I do. I have accepted that there is nothing to fear in any feeling, even big “bad” ones.

    I’ve been on this journey actively learning and growing for over 2 years now…I think if I explained it all beginning to end i’d have a novel on my hands. lol So i’ll just say…Hold it in your heart that this is what you want and dive in head first. You’ll get there.

  78.  #78Heart on October 29, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    i want pancakes with syrup …mmmm
    and coffee ♥

  79.  #79kdr on October 29, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    I’ve lately been thinking quite a bit about one aspect of this.

    I am not religious and I don’t think the government has any place in my personal life which is part of the reason that I have never felt a strong desire to be married. That is not to say that I wouldn’t be thrilled to meet someone with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life. I don’t believe those two are mutually exclusive.

    However, I’ve now come to the decision that, if my man (with whom I would love to spend the rest of my life) believes in marriage, always thought he would marry someday, thinks of marriage as the most commited state for two people in love, then I would insist on marriage for us. Even if he (and this is often the case) cannot articulate why he believes in it or communicate well on the subject.

    The reason is because, without marriage, he will never feel completely commited. Subconsciously or not, without marriage our relationship will never carry the same weight for him, will not have the same gravitas (not to take all the fun out of it with a word like *gravitas* 🙂 ) as it would if we were married.

    Does this make sense to anyone else? I’ve come to this realization over the past year.

  80.  #80kdr on October 29, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    I forgot to add: I believe that a lot of men who believe in marriage will be happy to live with a woman they love without getting married. I don’t think they are the ones to, usually, insist on it.

    Also, I think I can articulate pretty well why marriage is not necessary for me and if he cannot verbalize his position equally as well, he may feel *unmasculine* (or something?) in his mind being the one to insist on it without a good reason

  81.  #81MissStix on October 29, 2012 at 12:33 pm


    Makes absolute sense!

    Although I do believe a man who thinks highly of marriage would do the insisting if he believed he had met a woman he wants to spend his life with. Then it would be up to her to accept his proposal or decline. All she would have to “do” is exist and be open and receptive. It would come.

  82.  #82MissStix on October 29, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    It is highly masculine to do the chasing and insisting. Receiving and accepting is of the feminine.

  83.  #83BAB on October 29, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Kdr-Love love love your post!!!!

  84.  #84Smile on October 29, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    In my opinion – if you treat a man in a truly loving way with absolutely NO agenda about what YOU’LL get out of it, if you love him and accept him unconditionally, if you have fun together and good sex together and laugh and can cry together – he’ll feel so unpressured that he’ll instinctively move closer and closer to you and eventually want to seal the deal officially, for his own reasons.

    But the journey to being with a man and having NO agenda is the tricky part.

  85.  #85RiverGirl on October 29, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Everyone in the path of the storm please stay safe.

  86.  #86Smile on October 29, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    The above was roris opinion as I’m sure you’ll recognise.

  87.  #87kdr on October 29, 2012 at 12:51 pm


    Yes, *insist* was a poor choice of words. It is very masculine.

    I guess I’m not really thinking of men for whom marriage is *really important* to them. I’m thinking of men who just assume that marriage is the ultimate in society for couples in a relationship. A lot of men don’t care whether they get married or not but will certainly think differently about a marriage vs. girlfriend situation. Again, without giving it much conscious thought.

  88.  #88Smile on October 29, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    I want to read more about at what point the boundary about not having sex disappears.

    I feel confused.

  89.  #89kdr on October 29, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    @#83 BAB,

    Thank thank thank you! 🙂 Very sweet.

  90.  #90Smile on October 29, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    If I don’t want to have sex until I’m ‘in a relationship’ this feels like pressure to me.

  91.  #91Daria on October 29, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    Ugh this feels so confusing

    I do t know what I want

    And I feel sad

  92.  #92Janie Baby on October 29, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    I feel sad. I don’t know how to fix my relationship. He used to be my best friend, now we are strangers , and i feel obsessed. i want to be with him all the time but he’s not as into me. I break upwith him and he comes back and then I’m hooked and then we don’t see each other as much. We got in a fight on saturday and we were supposed to meet to talk last night but he went out with a friend instead and i got upset and kept calling him. then today he texted me saying “I am so sick. I wish I had my girl to just love me and not try to punish me” so I called and asked what was going on? and he said he was really sick ut didnt know if he should go to class and hed call me back. He didn’t… 3 hrs later I called. No answer. Then I texted “baby i feel sad. can we cuddle right now? i just wish i had my best friend back too.” and he didnt respond and i just feel so helpless and i cant stop crying. and i wonder when i will stop feeling this way. this is really hard, i feel like i lost my soul mate. i dont know how to fix things, and i want to call him over and over but i know that wont help. so i dont know what to do anymore. what do i do? we used to be so in love…now we barely have sex like once every 10 days or 2 weeks, and we’re always having tension and i feel like i have to pressure him to see me. 🙁 🙁 i don’t know, and hten when I let him go he begs me not to…

  93.  #93ruth on October 29, 2012 at 1:06 pm


    As i understand it you set your own boundaries as regards sex
    I think the issues stem from it potentially causing attachment to a man for some women

  94.  #94ruth on October 29, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Janie, can you take the focus off him and just be good to you right now?

  95.  #95Daria on October 29, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Oh I rember whenever I fall in love w a man I want marriage

    So I’ll go w that

  96.  #96Daria on October 29, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    ‘ A lot of men don’t care whether they get married or not but will certainly think differently about a marriage vs. girlfriend situation’

    Indeed. And I want to be thought of in the marriage context. Feels so much more serious involved intense and seems to spark off deep lifetime romance worship queen thoughts.

  97.  #97Daria on October 29, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Isn’t George Clooney gay ?

  98.  #98BAB on October 29, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Kdr- lol you’re very welcome,

  99.  #99Starla on October 29, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    43 shar

    i did write it down for my trainer months ago. he told me i was consuming maybe 1100 calories a day on average. it made me see that i was not needing as much food as i thought i did.

    of course, he urged me to eat more. sometimes i do. sometimes i don’t.

    mostly i just listen to my body. if my body doesn’t need any more, i stop eating.

    sometimes i want to eat things just for pleasure, and i do.

    But i think about the consequences when I do that. For example, it usually involves dairy. And dairy messes with my hormones. So I don’t bring myself to eat dairy more than once or twice a week.

    I’m not sure exactly why I am transforming so much on the issue of food. I don’t want to question a good thing. If I could be content for the rest of my life eating plain ol’ veggies and fruit and whatnot, I’ll take it!

    For lunch today I’m eating miso soup and brown rice. yum!

  100.  #100Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    J and I have talked about how we would never lose each other over something like marriage. Neither of us has it in our hearts to need that but if something changed and one of us needed to be married to feel complete, we would do it. There are lots of reasons why couples don’t make it. We don’t want our lack of desire to marry to be what causes a rift for us. If either feels a pull in that direction, we will communicate and we will get there…together. No pressure…just will allow it to happen for us.

    Right now though…we just feel perfect and have no desire for anything different than this.

    It’s funny because we have lots of people tell us we should get married or ask us “when are you two getting married?” or “why don’t you want to get married”. We generally tell them “because nobody has given us a good enough reason why we SHOULD get married.” I like that. We can’t think of a reason to change this but if we ever do, we’re open to it. Nice. 🙂

    Much Love,

    Much Love,

  101.  #101Daria on October 29, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Oops I just got attacked w disempowering questions by my mom, and I feel a lil scared

    I felt tightened up and was a bit anxious/defensive/resistant answering.



  102.  #102Starla on October 29, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    I have to admit this blog has been triggering me VERY badly lately. I read all this stuff and comments, and I feel afraid that I am never going to meet anyone/have romantic happiness.

  103.  #103Daria on October 29, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    I feel a little sad

  104.  #104Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    You’ll have it Starla. As long as you want it, you will have it. I believe that with all my heart.

    Much Love,

  105.  #105Janie Baby on October 29, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    I feel sad. I can’t stop crying, and I feel stupid cause noone died, why can’t I just be happy?

  106.  #106Daria on October 29, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    I locked my door as per my intuition

    It feels very scary to lock my door as it triggers me to remember that it’s been an issue where they did not want the door locked and it turned into drama.

    I feel vulnerable and scared and a little numb and sad.

    I still feel tired a bit and sleepy now

    I don’t want to ‘deal’ with drama and attack

    I want to feel safe and comfy

    Love to me

  107.  #107Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Janie Baby…it’s going to be okay. Focus on YOU right now. You can’t control him…you can only control YOU. What is one thing you absolutely LOVE that has only to do with YOU? Do that today…right now…take care of yourself without regard for anyone or anything else in this world.

    It’ll get better. Lean back, give him some space, allow him the opportunity to move toward you and be in a good place when he does.

    If you take care of you, it’ll get better….with or without him. I promise.

    Much Love,

  108.  #108Femininewoman on October 29, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Dominique just put up a great article

  109.  #109Smile on October 29, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Hi Ruth,

    Yes making my own boundaries around it would make sense.

    Last week I shared my boundaries around no sex. He was really respectful. Even though it was difficult lol. He’s calling me more and arranging to meet me again. If it reaches ‘that’ point, I want to say ‘I don’t feel ready’

    Last night he was talking about past ‘times’ so I know it’s on his mind lol.

    Last night he called whilst I was drafting my dating profile!!!! Nearly ready to launch onto the dating scene!

  110.  #110Starla on October 29, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Thank you Mercedes. Your conviction feels inspiring hehehe

  111.  #111Daria on October 29, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Oohhh I’m missing that feeling of fresh and new I had coming here when my mind had nothing to cling on and obsess.

    I picked up 2 things Friday and Saturday and now I’m preoccupied w that and not enjoying the present moment, w my beautiful walls and decorations like before.


    ‘i can never stop obsessing about sonething once I start’

    That’s not true

    I already used some processes but, here I am thinking of it again

    I feel bummed and defeated.

    Ohhh my mind is on ‘tracks’

    I wonder what good nutritional food I can give my mind to help her get flexible and nourished and choose to heal and fill in these tracks.

  112.  #112Daria on October 29, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    My mind is sharp I kno that

    And mily mind is soft fluid healing and flexible.

    My mind is nourishing

    My mind is nurturing


    That feels good.

    I live my panic

    I love my panic

    I love my body tension

    Ohhhh I feel pleased imagining stretches and movements

  113.  #113Daria on October 29, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    I love you iPod goddess. Thank you for being here w me , helping me express muselfhelping me be seen

    ((((iPod goddess)))))

  114.  #114Daria on October 29, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    I love my overwhelmed feeling

  115.  #115Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Starla…I’m a believer! I’m a true believer that ANYONE can have the relationship they want…no matter what the looks like.

    I’m also a believer in the power of attraction only my belief isn’t in the “universe”, it is more spiritual than that (from a traditional perspective). Hope that makes sense, I don’t want to type the actual words that will get me into moderation but think it’s important for you to understand why I truly, truly believe. And I really, really do!!! 🙂

    Much Love,

  116.  #116Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    “no matter what the looks like” meant to say “no matter what that looks like” – as in agreeing with this article and the point it is making.

  117.  #117kdr on October 29, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    Susan Sarandon has been making the talk show rounds promoting a couple of movies she’s in. She says one of the reasons she didn’t marry Tim Robbins was because she didn’t want them to take each other, or the relationship, for granted. Katie Couric mentioned something about they still had a serious commitment to each other and Susan Sarandon said something like “Well, we had kids and property together; you can’t get much more committed than that”.

    They split after 23 years together.

  118.  #118Janie Baby on October 29, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    your responses always make me feel really good. I need to start saving them to a word document for when I feel this way. 🙂

  119.  #119Daria on October 29, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Ohh I’m feeling way better sinking into my feelings

    No urgency no obsessing

    I feel pleased w the care I take of me

    I feel held and embraced and nurtured

  120.  #120Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Awwww…Janie Baby….thank you! That felt really super good to read! 🙂 Someone asked me the other day why I’m here. I think your comment about sums it up. You made my day and totally made me smile just now.

    Thank you thank you thank you thank you I needed that!

    Much Love,

  121.  #121Shar lean way back on October 29, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    Thanks Starla. I am going to try to write it down for awhile and see what happens. If only my “problem” were consuming 1100 calories 🙂

  122.  #122Starla on October 29, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    i used to eat a lot more, shar, but working out very hard killed my appetite. Lots of martial arts training and whatnot.

  123.  #123ruth on October 29, 2012 at 2:17 pm


    It is what is right for* you*
    This is one of the things I love about Rori

    Non judgmental
    Feeling rather invisible tonight but I am still in post marathon low and utterly exhausted so it may just be that

  124.  #124ruth on October 29, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    1100 cals


    I would be gnawing off my own arm!

    Mind you thats whay I am not thin LOL

  125.  #125Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    You’re not invisible Ruth! 🙂

    Much Love,

  126.  #126ruth on October 29, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    125 TY Mercedes

    Its probably my perception

  127.  #127Starla on October 29, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    hi ruth!
    you ran a marathon??? wow!!

  128.  #128Daria on October 29, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Mmm I feel so much more melted and see I still feel sleepy

  129.  #129ruth on October 29, 2012 at 2:26 pm


    this one was mostly walked
    mad hills, mad wind

    Got lovely pics though

  130.  #130ruth on October 29, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Im a bit wrecked to be fair
    My 215th mara and it does not get any easier

    feeling utterly exhausted, but then this one does that to me every year!

    I do like the idea of committed but living apart

    I Love my own space
    I am in this situ at the moment-not by choice but it will do for now

  131.  #131kdr on October 29, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    Warren Beatty was like George Clooney. Warren was aging playboy and a confirmed bachelor . . . until he married Annette Bening, 21 years his junior. Except George was married before and soured on it and I don’t think Warren was married before Annette.

    I can see George (like Warren maybe?) not wanting to become the old, *confirmed* bachelor who is know for once being the hottest thing in town; not having built a life with anyone who will stand by them through all the tough times that often come with aging.

    Just musing aloud today, pretending I know the first thing about what goes through either of these men’s minds 🙂

  132.  #132ruth on October 29, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Didnt George get together with Calista Flockhart?

  133.  #133kdr on October 29, 2012 at 2:41 pm


    Are you thinking of Harrison Ford?

  134.  #134ruth on October 29, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    I think George did

    Not sure if he is still with her

  135.  #135LoveAlways on October 29, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    OMG Rori . . . I sooooooooo needed this article right now. I feel so warmed having read this and felt it in my heart. This feels right to me. LET GO OF THE AGENDA!!! LET GO OF THE AGENDA!!! I have to go meditate on this. I feel so found and understood. Thank you

  136.  #136Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    No it is Harrison Ford, and they finally got married. They have an adopted child.


  137.  #137Starla on October 29, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    I’m not actually all that thin. I’m actually curvy and bootylicious lol

  138.  #138LoveAlways on October 29, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    It is now time to start doing everything that feels good to me, no hold bar.

  139.  #139CurvySiren10 on October 29, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    Love your post Ruth. I agree…and I love that Rori does too. About doing what works for YOU and your relationship- not someone else’s idea of what “happily ever after” means.

    And Rori’s words here: “If you treat a man in a truly loving way with absolutely NO agenda about what YOU’LL get out of it, if you love him and accept him unconditionally, if you have fun together and good sex together and laugh and can cry together – he’ll feel so unpressured that he’ll instinctively move closer and closer to you and eventually want to seal the deal officially, for his own reasons.”

    Powerful and true for me. It happened….

  140.  #140Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    “The reason being – they don’t want the RESPONSIBILITY of “taking care” of a man late in life.” – This feels sad to me. I’m glad I’m in a relationship where we DO want to take care of each other late in life. It seems really sad to push away a commitment because it’s too much “responsibility”. Not saying there’s anything wrong with it if that’s what people want, but it feels sad to me and I’m glad I’m not there.

    “Marriage is a great goal – because often the best men want to be married.” – and this feels a little limiting too. Often the best men don’t want to be married is also true. It all depends on the man (good or bad) and I think the absolute BEST men are open to where life takes them and are sensitive to the needs of their partner.

    Other than those two things causing a little stir in my heart, I really love this article…a lot!

    Much Love,

  141.  #141LoveAlways on October 29, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Hi Sirens:

    Switching my vibe today. I have been clinging to my heart being hurt about HScd and I. When in reality he is the one that needs to be clinging to my heart because he will lose me forever. I’ve been leaning forward without realizing it by grieving over my pain!!! I have to let the pain go now and change my vibe, switch the perspective . . . he will lose me forever, and if that is where things go, then that is my boundary and that is the end of it, and it’s his loss. That’s the difference here – I’m the prize and he’s going to lose it if he does not step up.

    I remember Lizka doing a lean back marathon. Does anyone remember when that was? I want to read back in the posts and remind myself how that experience was for her. Thanks.

  142.  #142Mercedes on October 29, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    Heading home and not sure where the night will take me but if I’m not back here later: Dominique, FW and everyone else on the coast…please take care tonight. I’ll be thinking of you.

    Be safe and stay warm.

    Much Love,

  143.  #143ruth on October 29, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    TY Dominique!

    Curvy Siren

    yes , yes and yes

    but, I cant have the s@x
    And i cant deal with that, not any more

    Said too much

  144.  #144ruth on October 29, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    Feeling so sad

    will run soon

    that might help

  145.  #145LoveAlways on October 29, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Not having expectations is leaving my heart open and being surprised by what the universe brings to me and experiencing it. I’ve increased my ability to love with HScd and it does not mean that he is able to step up and stay at that level. Like Rori described, he is a rubber banding and I must cd. I must cd, I must cd.

  146.  #146LoveAlways on October 29, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    Going to script some feeling messages so I can respond to hscd without leaning forward. I’ve been leaning forward without realizing it. Time to change my vibe and take the best care of myself again. I must come first and just let what and who comes to me surprise me. No more on-line dating. I officially closed my account today. I am spreading my wings and letting the love winds of the universe lift me up and carrying me to my heart’s destiny.

  147.  #147LoveAlways on October 29, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    Not having an agenda is stepping back from what I believe I want. Dumb it down honey, get basic with the feeling, what do I really want, and who can provide that, one man, myself, many men? I need to think this out. Going to do the workbook for targeting mr. right again, and listen to commitment blueprint for a frame of reference tonight. I don’t feel like doing anywork, I’m going to focus on me personally. I need movement, not just healing – I’ve spoken my truth and my honest feelings now it’s time to settle into my new siren self – from the ashes I rise like a Phoenix Siren

  148.  #148ruth on October 29, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    I dont want to get married
    ( I am, but thats irrelevant in lots ofways)

    I just want to feel better about me

  149.  #149Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    Internet is back, yay.

    Aw ruth, hugs to you. I feel sad for you. I can only imagine.


  150.  #150ruth on October 29, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Good to hear you have internet back Dominique
    Yeah i feels sad too
    shed a few tears
    but this is my life and I guess I just get on with it

  151.  #151Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    more hugs sweetheart, ruth.


  152.  #152Dominique on October 29, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    How about trying on a little openness and vulnerability today.

  153.  #153ruth on October 29, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    awwwwwwwwwww, nice Dominique

    wont help with me but lovely

  154.  #154Daria on October 29, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    Feeling triggered sad and angry and now sleepy

  155.  #155Daria on October 29, 2012 at 3:35 pm




  156.  #156Daria on October 29, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    I feel like slapping somebody

  157.  #157Daria on October 29, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    So much rage

    Feeling patronized


    Pushed to the side

    Not taken seriously

    Melting brains in back of head

    I love my feelings

    Ouch shoulder

    Tight around mouth

    Ouch around chest, pinching

    Feeling sleepy


    Ouch back liver

    Ouch behind nose eyes

  158.  #158Daria on October 29, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    So angry

    So helpless

    Feel like attacking

    So much dussapointment

    Heart sadness

    That feeling

    I love that feeling

  159.  #159Daria on October 29, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    Want to attack

    To speak abruptly to

    To yell at

    I live my urges and patterns



  160.  #160Daria on October 29, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Falling asleep w iPod in my hand

    Thank you for feeding me yummy

  161.  #161Francesca on October 29, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    Ruth I wish you would stop saying you’re fat.


  162.  #162Starla on October 29, 2012 at 3:51 pm


    seriously. you’re not

  163.  #163MissStix on October 29, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    161 162

    I know right!?

    Ruth…You are not fat.

  164.  #164Francesca on October 29, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    Dominique, so glad you’re safe and sound and that the power is back! Yay! 🙂

  165.  #165Goddess Lily on October 29, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    Wait, the same Ruth from the marathon pictures?!?! That’s a fit lady!

  166.  #166Daria on October 29, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    Fuchk man, that shit really fuchked me off



    Not safe


    Easy feel mu feelings

    Not act on urges


  167.  #167Francesca on October 29, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    Starla, I was reading about your eating only fruits and veggies and I can only encourage you to keep doing it.

    I have been eating mostly f&v myself lately and my skin has cleared up a lot too.

    Also, I was afraid that I was never going to be able to find my Coconut Dream beverage here but I found it at my supermarket yesterday!

    I have tried sunflower milk too and it is quite good – could be a substitute to coconut milk if they ever decide not to stock it anymore.

  168.  #168Daria on October 29, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    I love my feelings

  169.  #169Daria on October 29, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    I love my internal stress

  170.  #170Daria on October 29, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    I love my loneliness and bummed ness

  171.  #171Daria on October 29, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    I feel unsafe

    I love my fear

    I love my unworthiness

    I love my fear

    I love my desperation

    I love my hopelessness

  172.  #172Francesca on October 29, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    Actually, today I made vegetable soup with carrots, celery, onions, garlic, red pepper, white cabbage, unsalted chicken bouillon cubes and a can of diced tomatoes.

    It was yummy!

  173.  #173Daria on October 29, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    “:: The One-Body Principle ::

    Suppose your right leg began twitching for no apparent
    reason. If it persisted, you’d do something about it.
    You might massage your leg or take some vitamins
    that support nerve functions.

    But you wouldn’t yell at your leg or threaten to hurt
    it! Nor would you ignore it and think, “It’s the leg’s
    problem, not mine.” Such responses wouldn’t make
    sense because your leg is a part of YOU.

    Likewise, when your child’s behavior seems
    unreasonable, you can overcome the temptation to
    react negatively by responding to your child as if s/he
    were a part of your body.

    Like the parts of your body, your child functions well
    when you pay attention to his or her signals and,
    instead of resisting those signals, you do your best
    to honor and respond to them. There’s no blame; you
    just deal with it.

    Today, imagine you and your child are like one body
    and notice how that perspective affects your

  174.  #174Daria on October 29, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    i love you Daria

  175.  #175Daria on October 29, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    i love my rage

  176.  #176Daria on October 29, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    i love my muffledness

  177.  #177FlowerChild77 on October 29, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    LoveAlways—Your three posts above sound a lot like what goes through my mind. There’s a sense of ‘not-readiness’ but when I do think of how I want my future to feel, I ask myself these same things.

    I thought I, for sure, wanted to be married (future)–but I wonder if it’s because that’s what I’ve lost and I’m still grieving or if I just “know” I that’s what I want. Or maybe I won’t even know until it happens!

    Thanks for making me think, here, and guiding me out of what might be ‘tunnel-vision.’

  178.  #178sunshine on October 29, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    main reason for me is because i dont want STDs. when i think of marriage I feel like its a way to have a safe sexual relationship…i know that’s not always the case (affairs, cheating, etc.) but I feel like it helps reduce the risk compared to non-marriage relationships atleast in my head. I also want to feel like I have a trusting partner that I wake up with in the morning. when I think of how a steady boyfriend can be the trick, I dont like it. I think of how someone who lives with me shares intimacy with me, knows all about me, however he and I know that theres a high chance of this being a relationship that will eventually end is not a good feeling. Again I know there is divorce but the intention was to marry for life which again reduces those chances.

  179.  #179FlowerChild77 on October 29, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    Franceska, Your soup sounds delicious 🙂

  180.  #180LoveAlways on October 29, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    Thanks Flowerchild77

    I’m a true work in progress.

    I am going to embark on a lean back mission. But I’m not doing anything contrary to my feelings. I’m honoring my feelings, all of them

  181.  #181Popsicletoes53 on October 29, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    I am a woman who has been divorced since 1986.. that is a long time… and I am happy with my life. I enjoyed marriage when I was married to my exhusband.. he had issues (drugs/alcohol) and just was not a good partner.. not a bad person.. just emotionally immature..

    I decided after living with alover for 3 years after my divorce that I wanted to get married again because “I did not want to be 45 and not married”… I am now 59 and not married… hahaha roflmbo.

    But I have not regretted breaking up with the lover because we were on different pages.. and I am happy with the fact I have not gotten married because I believe God wanted me to undergo some character development before allowing my husband to come my way… and I have had a lot of character development.. has been a fascinating journey.

    Now I believe more than ever before I am ready for him to find me and I might have found him. Currently just began seeing a man… not exclusive yet.. so till open to others and circular dating..but the tools I am learning about since buying the ebook are really helping me stay focused on my feminine power, vulnerability… breaking the old habits..

  182.  #182Popsicletoes53 on October 29, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    Something I just read that “sunshine” said.. that spurred something in me.. and it was the stability that marriage can bring. While I know people who are not married can have stable relationships…there is something about having a mate who can sign on the dotted line if I need medical care.. or can speak on my behalf if I am incapacitated.. there is something about being in a life long covenant that appeals to me… I do believe in the death do us part.. I do believe in taking care of your mate..and I want that.. Right now I am watching a couple that I have known over 40 years go through a health crisis.. as hard as it is.. I think their love for one another has grown exponentially as they faced these life threatening crises together.. I want that..

  183.  #183Tam on October 29, 2012 at 6:14 pm


  184.  #184Sassy on October 29, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    ((((All east coast sirens)))

    ((((Ruth)))) love you my friend

  185.  #185Sassy on October 29, 2012 at 6:35 pm


    Soooo good to hear you again! You are amazing

  186.  #186Daria on October 29, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    Thank you Daria for being open to easy masculine energy ways of doing ‘effort in an agreement of exchange for money’

    Thank you Money for creating fun and open ways for me to feel prosperous

    Thank you Daria for feeding me healthy food

    thank you for muscle testing me for the food to eat so that i can eat what feels nourishing and healing for me



    thank you for thinking about brushing my hair

  187.  #187Linda on October 29, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    This post makes me root around in my feelings, wants, desires, believes, experiences. I married young at age 20. I married for lots of good reasons but none of them was because I was in love. I have been single now almost 6 yrs now. I have learned so much, mostly thru pain and loss. It has caused me to come to face with me. 100% raw me. There was no place for the true me in my marriage. So far, the men that have been in my life have fit in part but not in total. I dont want to go down the path of do overs.. but there are some things that I would do differently. Mainly being a more authentic me. I have learned the value of speaking my truth, not doing anything that does not feel right.

    At this point in my life… I have to leave room for the sense of adventure, discovery and also need to live lined up true to my core. I do hope to marry again someday.

  188.  #188BAB on October 29, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    Im feeling very scared and not enough right now.
    I feel afraid to ask for help, lest people get annoyed or see my problems as trivial or unimportant.
    I feel sad and unsure.
    I want to love my feelings but right now iam mad at them, I want them to make me feel good…

  189.  #189BAB on October 29, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    lots of self pity in my heart tonight..

  190.  #190Daria on October 29, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    i feel so mad

    i feel so frustrated

    i feel so sad

  191.  #191Daria on October 29, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    who can rescue me right now

    i would like to feel rescued

  192.  #192Daria on October 29, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    im havign a hard time focusign on the video im watchin cuz im feeling so much… something

    like anger

  193.  #193Daria on October 29, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    i hate you!

    i love my hate

  194.  #194Daria on October 29, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    i want to speak with yelly attacky complainy threatening boice

  195.  #195Daria on October 29, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    Vampire scream

  196.  #196Daria on October 29, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    starting to feel better

    wondering if it wasn’t from having sugar plus alcohol last nite,

    and now the yeast in my body being hungry


    i love me

    i love my yeast!

  197.  #197kdr on October 29, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    @ # BAB 189,

    Sometimes I wonder if what we call “self-pity” is really just our taking care of ourselves. Our being tender and understanding and accepting and acknowledging of our sensitive and fragile moments.

    We are so hard ourselves. At least I am 🙂

  198.  #198BAB on October 29, 2012 at 8:39 pm

    Kdr- that is a very good point! Thank you for that perspective! I am very very hard on myself always internalizing even the slightest offense or harsh word.. I want so badly to understand everything that it is over whelming at times. Beside that who wants to know everything lol it’s ok to miss out on a few things gezzz

  199.  #199BAB on October 29, 2012 at 8:41 pm

    I’m getting the itch for ink therapy lol I wonder if that is healthy.. Humm idk the permanantness is soothing to me. Hello control, nice to see you again. :/ lol

  200.  #200LoveAlways on October 29, 2012 at 9:17 pm


  201.  #201kdr on October 29, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    Hey BAB,

    I haven’t read your past posts so I’m sorry if I’m behind the curve on this but is “ink therapy” tattoo therapy or writing therapy?

    I think it’s probably tattoo, but I love the idea of someone writing and calling it “ink therapy” 🙂

  202.  #202Emerson on October 29, 2012 at 10:52 pm

    95 me too Daria

  203.  #203Tereana on October 29, 2012 at 11:11 pm

    Hm…this article. Very interesting. I can certainly entertain the idea of being open to a something that is definitely relationship but is not marriage. But ultimately, in my heart (if I’m honest), I do really see myself as getting married. That might be a trivial distinction to some people, but to me, it changes everything.

    I think I *am* scared of the responsibility, and at the same time, I want it, very much. I want the responsibility, and I want to have children in the context of a marriage, too. It would feel too stable and shaky to do it otherwise (even though I was thinking about those options just recently. But they just don’t appeal to me as much. I would feel as if i were “settling” or “making do,” and that doesn’t seem as much fun.)

    I am also afraid of repeating the bad example that my parents set for me, which has nevertheless been burned into my psyche as the “definition” of marriage (i.e. Man puts up with lot of “crap” from wife – for the sake of the marriage. Man is allowed to insult wife as much as he wants, and she won’t complain, because it’s a marriage. Boundaries do not exist, and the definition of a “conversation” is a lot of loud, intense yelling.)

    So, I’ve had to distance myself a lot, and do all this work to get myself somewhere different. And I know I’m on the way.

    Tonight, I got hit on by a man at the bus. His opening like, as he walked by, was that I was “gorgeous.” I must have looked at him and smiled, because he turned around, and came to talk to me. His next line, “How long have you been married?” Lol. He was *so* excited that I was single. Heck, I forget sometimes – my being single isn’t all bad. It’s actually an opportunity for a guy who might want to be with me.

    I gave the guy my phone number.

    on the way back to my house, I was thinking, “Take that, Vman. Ha! This guy sees me and is excited to be with me. (even though he’s not yet.) And you’re still an idiot.” Lol. But I still haven’t written to him yet…

  204.  #204Tereana on October 29, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    Oops – “unstable” and shaky…

  205.  #205Daria on October 29, 2012 at 11:15 pm

    thank you for brushing my hair

    thank you for cooking yummy food

    thank you for putting out bones and preparing to make bone broth!

  206.  #206Tereana on October 29, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    I had a very interesting insight today. I realized that for a long time, I’ve believed I was practicing “letting go” in relationship. But in fact, all I have been practicing is letting go OF relationships. I mean, it’s letting go. But it’s not really the kind of letting go that I want to do. I’ve been mixing it all up : (

    I wonder if Dominique can speak to that distinction at all. I really liked her article recently on openness and vulnerability. And I want to see if I can figure out this “letting go” part inside of a relationship without it having to mean that I let go OF the relationship. Because that’s actually not what I want. And yet, that seems to be what I keep doing.

    And yet, just realizing that there is a difference is pretty eye-opening….

  207.  #207Tereana on October 29, 2012 at 11:29 pm

    Oh yeah, and by the way, the word “boyfriend” does not tickle me. Okay, maybe a little. But only as a temporary stay or title. I don’t want a permanent “boyfriend.” I want something that is more mature than “boy” and more serious than “friend.”

    But on the other hand…Lately, I’ve been attracting so many guys who are interested in FWB, and I wonder if I’m selling myself short if I accept something like that. But then I wonder if there is a part of *me* that really just wants FWB.

    Except, here’s the kicker. There’s a twist. Lately, in the last two occasions, I had guys express interest in FWB or casual sex. And yet, in the end, when such a thing was imminent, they changed their tune. They made it sound like they really *didn’t* want casual sex after all. Their bodies were all excited. But mentally, they were not “there” yet. This was Vman’s phrase, and SYG said something similar. In both cases, I was not upset that we did not have sex, because I thought it was cool that they honored this sense in themselves, and maybe by doing that they honored something deeper about me as well.

    Hey, that’s really cool. I just realized, as I was typing this I feel honored by that. They honored me. And I didn’t have to force anyone to do anything.

    That’s really cool. 🙂

    And I feel tired. I’m going to sleep now : )

  208.  #208Smile on October 29, 2012 at 11:38 pm

    206 terena,

    I too have had a ha ha moment around letting go.
    What I really want to let go of is expectations, not relationships!! Only made this realisation yesterday after reading some of dominiques articles.

    Also I read something by rori That you don’t need to stress about how to let him go. Just let your energy carry you forward. This helped lots too.

  209.  #209Tereana on October 30, 2012 at 12:00 am

    Sunshine – I liked what you wrote about marriage. That all makes a lot of sense to me.

  210.  #210Francesca on October 30, 2012 at 2:42 am

    These days, I’m not interested in marriage.

    But then I never was, really.

    I’m just interested in seeing if my relationship will survive or not.

    I’m feeling a mixture of sadness and disappointment.

    I sort of put him on the back of my horse and I keep riding.

    I’m not ready to CD yet but I might later on.

    I’m not sure…maybe I’ll just take a long break from men if things don’t work out.

    Still haven’t made up my mind about that.

  211.  #211Scarlet on October 30, 2012 at 2:59 am

    My Mum and Dad took care of each other and were still deeply in love up until my Dad died at 80 years old. I really want that. I want to be in a lifelong committed partnership and I’d be happy to take care of my man in old age.

    I initially got married too young and probably didn’t appreciate it at the time. We were married for 16 years and I didn’t think I would ever want it again. But I do now. Marriage itself isn’t that important, but I want the relationship my parents had.

  212.  #212Butterfly Wings on October 30, 2012 at 3:50 am


  213.  #213Francesca on October 30, 2012 at 4:01 am

    Thanks, BW, a hug feels really good right now. xx 🙂

  214.  #214Daria on October 30, 2012 at 4:01 am

    freakin 4 hour phone call

    ugh i wish it had been just 10 min

    i feel all great and smily tho 🙂

  215.  #215Daria on October 30, 2012 at 4:04 am

    mmmmmm i didn’t even think much about meeting tomorrow like he wanted

    so easy to stick to 2 days ahead


    i have 3 cds in a row wed thurs fri


  216.  #216Daria on October 30, 2012 at 4:15 am

    I love meeting men, being complimented, softening up, all the romance and attention

  217.  #217BAB on October 30, 2012 at 4:23 am

    I was feeling jealous about my boyfriend txtibg an female co-worker yesterday when picked me up after work. I’m not sure why other then a twinge I got of suspicion when I got in and he changed screens on his phone.. I tried putting the negative thoughts out of my head but I think he could tell something was up. When he asked what was wrong I reassured him I was fine and that nothing was wrong. Should I have told him I was feeling uncomfortable? Or did that instance fall under the do not share and focus on why I was feeling that way catigory? I felt like I should have said something and so much time has passed now I feel silly for still thinking on it.

  218.  #218Tam on October 30, 2012 at 4:25 am

    Daria, yay!! You go girl!!

    I have gone into hibernation. Totally uninterested in CDing and even thinking about it. I don’t know if I have given up a little, really. I feel resigned.
    I feel happier working on other areas of my life.
    I have been single for almost 5 years and during all this time only come across one or two men that actually had what it takes to be mentally on my wavelength (and otherwise). That I felt comfortable with and happy to be around.

    Sorry for the French but I can’t be arsed with all those stupid conversations, one syllable text messages and other stuff anymore. Being open and smiley smiley and vulnerable with men that turn out to be married, players or haven’t got the ability to talk about anything other than football or baseball. It feels like a colossal waste of my time, especially since I have no idea what I am practising for…I never get ‘rejected’ on a first date, they always call back/want more etc – to the point of me having to turn my phone off. It feels irritating and time consuming and I could be doing something fun instead.
    So I will.
    If someone turns up who doesn’t bore me to death then I would be open to that….
    I realise even just being on this blog wastes a lot of my time I could be spending on other things, more important things. I feel unwilling topdevote so much time to men in my life while there aren’t actually any in my life! It feels whacky.
    I feel wanting to stop. Stare. Think. Readjust. Refocus.

  219.  #219Francesca on October 30, 2012 at 4:36 am

    Tam, I reckon you mean “excuse my French”? 😉

  220.  #220Francesca on October 30, 2012 at 4:43 am

    Well, I am ready for CDing if it ever comes to this.

    I’ve drafted a profile but I still have to tweak and improve it.

    It’s not quite perfect, not to my taste anyway.

    Still, I’m really struggling with the FMs in French. I hate to repeat myself, but you English-speaking Sirens really have it easy compared to me!

  221.  #221Francesca on October 30, 2012 at 4:44 am

    Ooops, it’s actually “Pardon my French”. Yes.

  222.  #222BAB on October 30, 2012 at 4:45 am

    Kdr- Yes I was refuting to tattoos, but I agree with the writing part, that is kind of a sweet idea:)

  223.  #223Tam on October 30, 2012 at 4:49 am

    219, yep Francesca…too early here, I typed that before 7… 😉

  224.  #224Tam on October 30, 2012 at 4:53 am

    excuse my English and pardon my French..ha!!

  225.  #225Francesca on October 30, 2012 at 4:57 am

    I never really got that expression, Tam, seeing as there is no French in these words at all! haha! 😉

  226.  #226Vi on October 30, 2012 at 5:06 am

    I woke up feeling hate towards myself , it felt like burning cheeks and frowny face and heavy head and face muscles and I felt also resentment and there were thoughts ‘this is ‘wrong’ to feel that way’. I also felt scared to feel that and I feel afraid to share this now and I feel embarrassement too. Then I checked with my Yang part and he was curious and kinda observing me and had no intention to blame me (!) or search my mind for reasons/explanations why I should or should not feel that way towards myself and he was just enjoying ‘watching’ me feeling the feelings.. hehe .. Yay! I feel safe feeling bad!! It feels awesome! I feel Delicious. hehe I feel free to express my “darkest” feelings to myself! I feel so connected to me! it feels good 🙂

  227.  #227Annie on October 30, 2012 at 5:14 am

    Daria 173.

    “Likewise, when your child’s behavior seems
    unreasonable, you can overcome the temptation to
    react negatively by responding to your child as if s/he
    were a part of your body.”

    I feel wound up.
    Of course it seems unreasonable if they are young children. They do not have adult reasoning.
    And they have not yet learned the social rules of the world.
    Like it or not reality is their are social rules of the world.

    I’ve done the home schooling with my eldest and it had man benefits and I felt was my best option at the time, until he was 14. Also has many challenges and disadvantages. And even did it when I had another baby to look after. Wouldn’t recommend that one. But again was still best option at time.
    Seriously if anyone wants to give this a go and believes it is their best option then give it a go, see how the reality lives up to the fantasy.

    I admire Scotts idealism and if it works for him and some of the people who chose to follow his ‘teachings’ then great,How that fits in with the realism of every day life for most people with children and most of society and it’s challenges is another matter and society would not be able to function if everyone chose to do this. Completely unworkable for most of society.

  228.  #228Annie on October 30, 2012 at 5:58 am

    Although I admire Scots idealism, here is one of the real problems that occurs in society when children are treated like adults with adult brains and adult reasoning.
    They fail to develop normal social identity not recognizing adult authority. I would just say, give it a go if you want to and see how the reality works out for you.

  229.  #229MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 6:16 am


    (definitely no arguement in this, just my truth)

    I will home-school my kids until highschool. Not because it looks like a fantasy to me…But because Elementary school was traumatic for me. Not just because I was bullied by peers, but because I was also judged, picked on, and even bullied by parents of friends, and teachers. I plan to spend those tender, and fragile years prepping them for the world, and they can attend school after they’re teenagers. Even this is a stretch to me because I do not believe the format of the public school system is advantageous. I may end up putting them in a private school where they can have more input into their own educational path. So their minds are stimulated instead of wasted.

    I appreciate that you have done it and know how hard it must be. I feel fully prepared for that.

  230.  #230MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 6:28 am

    I feel giggly, and also annoyed. I just barely graduated highschool. I nearly got kicked out for missing 144 classes but when my math teacher went to bat for me, and told them to look at my test scores, and near begged them to let me graduate they allowed me to stay. I continued to skip classes but scored higher than the 90th percentile on each of my provincial exams and squeaked by with I think a C in most classes but I know I got an A in earth sciences.

    Ha. What a load. I really have zero faith in the school system. I was bored to tears.

  231.  #231BAB on October 30, 2012 at 6:30 am

    Lovealways- Thank you!

  232.  #232BAB on October 30, 2012 at 6:30 am

    Lovealways- Thank you!

  233.  #233MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 6:40 am

    hmmm…My bro, on the other hand, thrived. He graduated top of class with full entry scholarships to an advanced sciences program at UBC. I was always a little bitter. I didn’t get it and I just wanted to rebel. I still remember his tests on the fridge…like the 100% chem 12 midterm. I think a part of me also believed I could never fully live up to that. I could have tried at least. Meh. I really didn’t want to.(((teenstix)))

  234.  #234BAB on October 30, 2012 at 6:42 am

    MissStix- Can I ask your age?

  235.  #235MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 6:56 am

    I’m 29 🙂

  236.  #236Annie on October 30, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Miss Stix.

    I hear you. And your reality that school felt traumatic for you. For me I felt out of place most the time and bored. Some of the social aspects felt fun, but the lessons omg bored out of my brain most of the time.
    And believe home schooling is best option for some children as it was for my eldest at least until he was older. Not an easy choice though and many things to consider, Not the best option for my youngest at the moment though.
    Home schooling by definition is a fantasy and a dream until you are really living it out and doing it 😉

    Wasn’t too bad until child two came along, then reality of juggling shopping housework sleep deprivation meeting babies needs, my own needs and homeschooling an older child who was used to my individual attention. Oh yes and then when you get ill or baby gets ill.
    Reality was it became a case of just getting through the day.

  237.  #237BAB on October 30, 2012 at 7:00 am

    Aww ok thanks:) was just wondering!

  238.  #238MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 7:03 am

    I feel ready to stop blaming school and teachers for my lack of excelling. I felt bored with school…That was my own thing. I could have shown up. I could have done more than just what I needed to “get by”. It’s all good anyway. I find it kind of awesome that after all the education and science degrees my bro is a kick ass realtor. None of it really mattered in the end. I will be successful at my own business. None of it really matters.

  239.  #239Annie on October 30, 2012 at 7:05 am

    And my eldest has gaps in his education as with the best will in the world we really can not do it all only our best, just like schools can’t.
    In reality there is no perfect school, perfect schooling, perfect parenting, perfect teachers we just go with the best on offer that we are able to afford for our individual child and our individual lifestyle.

    Wish I was able to have magicked up a better option but I do not have that ability.

  240.  #240Annie on October 30, 2012 at 7:07 am

    None of it really matters.

    🙂 Yes what really matters is being happy.

  241.  #241MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 7:08 am

    I still feel intensely curious as to the differences between him and I. Both of us are “smart”. I would say equally intelligent in different ways. Everyone’s got their own “thing” that they are good or talented at. I just wonder…What was it in him that drove him to excell? What was it in me that said “I don’t have time for this.”?

  242.  #242Annie on October 30, 2012 at 7:10 am

    “When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
    ― John Lennon

  243.  #243MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 7:11 am


    Yeah…I did feel bullied. It got so bad that my parents sold the house they built themselves and moved us away. ohhh ish I still have guilt feelings around that.

  244.  #244MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 7:12 am



  245.  #245Annie on October 30, 2012 at 7:14 am

    241: MissStix says:

    “I still feel intensely curious as to the differences between him and I. Both of us are “smart”. I would say equally intelligent in different ways. Everyone’s got their own “thing” that they are good or talented at. I just wonder…What was it in him that drove him to excell? What was it in me that said “I don’t have time for this.”?”

    Testosterone perhaps? 🙂
    As school used to be exam orientated and boys thrived better when this was in place.
    Then it changed to continuous less completive assessment and girls thrived in that environment.
    Or should that be male brains and female brains. mmm ponders.

  246.  #246MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 7:17 am

    Oh interesting annie! I never thought of it that way!

    I always saw projects and exams as my best friends lol I manipulated that to pass classes while still skipping haha lord. I was a difficult teenager :p

  247.  #247BAB on October 30, 2012 at 7:23 am

    Cant practicing and planning out feeling messages to use with your SO, so that he will hear you, be considered an agenda? I’m struggling really bad with the idea of letting go of agendas.. Not sure where to draw the line, I feel like I’m getting something crossed.??

  248.  #248Heart on October 30, 2012 at 7:28 am

    Hello Ladies – I feel good today. I’m over the CudG thing….he uploaded pics today of him having fun…the pics were harmless but still i got the impression that he is living his life and does not care about me.
    I don’t want to email him anymore…I feel Embarassed by missing him.
    I want to unfriend him so bad. I hate him sorta…I know it’s unsireny but my little girl feels abandoned and sulky.
    I am so ready to have something good and real in my life. I am so tired of these kind of men.
    I no longer feel attracted to CudG…just feel turned off …and
    bored by the state of my love life…
    I feel relieved, sparks of happy and kind of free…

  249.  #249MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 7:28 am

    I read an inspirational article last night and it said to wake up every morning and say “today is going to be a great day.” every afternoon say “today is a great day” every night say “today was a great day”. I will do my best to make this happen. Short of some kind of tragedy…I can easily uphold this.

    Today is going to be a great day!

  250.  #250MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 7:31 am

    I’m hoping it doesn’t rain so I can finally get some fall colour pictures. I need to practice metering and colour temp. I won’t have these fall colours for long!

  251.  #251Radlove on October 30, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Brandylion, FlowerChild, and GentleSmilesBelieve, and anyone else whose message I may not have found yet, and to all my beloved Sirens who I miss,

    Thank you for asking how I’m doing in the hurricane and the move. I am fine, just very sore after working 10 to 13 hours a day packing, sorting, moving, and unpacking the past two weeks or so. My ankles hurt the most, and I feel concerned, because they are genetically weak, and weak ankles is the reason my Mom is in a wheelchair — she is literally walking on them after they broke down to the floor. I way overdid it moving on Sat and Sun after about 7 people either cancelled or just didn’t show up in the week leading up to the move.

    Not everything fit on the moving truck, because my 100 feet of chain link fence takes up a lot of space. I took up two carloads by myself on Sunday, and I was too exhausted to continue. So my pets and I have been staying at my new house share since Sunday.

    Thankfully, the power is still on there, and millions have lost power in PA, MD, DE, NY, and who knows where else. I know the house I just left is without power, but no flooding in the house.

    There are downed trees and power lines everywhere, and lots of flooding everywhere, but none of it has affected me. The worst of the storm is over, and there may be one or two inches of rain today.

    I don’t get internet or phone access at my new house because it’s way out in the country. it is cramping my style bigtime! I’m in town now to be using my computer. I love you all!

  252.  #252Annie on October 30, 2012 at 7:35 am

    haha Miss Stix.

    Interesting, for me, I felt motivated and competitive to be first and put in the time and effort. Even this worked and was first or second in most subjects.
    sadly this didn’t get me what I wanted, which was to move up to higher level group I then switched off and couldn’t be bothered and felt demoralized and apathetic as it then felt pointless.
    Then decided if I was able to not put any work in and just scrape by that is what I would do. I gave up.

    The only time I get that competitive spirit back now is when I feel enraged about something.

  253.  #253MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 7:42 am


    Hmm…I don’t think so. I believe communicating in a way in which you feel heard and it feels easy to hear for the other party is constructive.

    To me, an agenda looks murky. Like there is something under the surface.

    If you say “I want to communicate with him in a way in which I feel heard and he finds it easy to hear me” this doesn’t look like an “agenda”. It just looks like taking positive action.

    If you say “I want to communicate in a certain way so he will always agree with me” This looks more like agenda.

    I also like to remember that I can be heard, and still disagreed with. So, if someone doesn’t agree or see it my way…It doesn’t mean they don’t hear me.

  254.  #254Emerson on October 30, 2012 at 7:44 am

    226 ((vi))
    I hve a way of waking up in the morning and scolding myself. It’s a terrible feeling but I’m getting better at stopping it.

    I remind myself of all the good things I’ve done and am still doing. I quit a job last year that I had for a long time and I’ve been having a delayed identity crisis because of it. I quit for what I thought was a better opportunity and it did not turn out the way I thought. I scold myself for quitting the old job, but at the time it was the right decision and I have to stick to that.

  255.  #255BAB on October 30, 2012 at 7:46 am

    MissStix- Humm ok.. I see the difference there. Still feels to me like I have an agenda, I don’t know if in my head in the moment what one I’m saying, I feel like in the beginning I had an agenda when I first tried feeling messages because I was curious if they worked.. I’m feeling a twinge of fear now that I haven’t switched modes from that. :/

  256.  #256BAB on October 30, 2012 at 7:49 am

    Haha round and round and round I go yay!!! So much fun lol I CAN do this… Apparently my defeatist attitude has followed me here today as well. Lol I feel silly for some reason like I know a secret lol humm

  257.  #257Annie on October 30, 2012 at 7:50 am

    I woke up this morning feeling really calm and rested felt great.

    I really want to get my head around this attachment and bonding thing.

    With my children and when I sleep and have emotional, mental spiritual connection with a man I feel bonded and psychically attached to them.
    This feel like an invisible umbilical cord to me.
    Has anyone else experienced this?
    I feel a bit embarrassed writing this.
    I really want to get my head around this. Is this the sort of attachment that Virginia was referring to on the last thread re crushes etc?
    Would feel great to get some feed back in this, Virginia, Rori, Dominique, Mercedes anyone?

    Or is my perception of attachment of what I have written above not the same as the attachment Virginia referred to in the last thread. I don’t feel like I need any one these people to make me a whole person. It felt like two whole people attached by an invisible cord and connected.
    Is that really a a bad thing and not in our best interest

    I really feel confused about this issue of attachment

  258.  #258Emerson on October 30, 2012 at 7:54 am

    I have read this article before from Virginia and although yes she has some valid points as I said last time , she really does not clarify HOW to “be” the way that she describes…..I.e. she does not suggest tools so I end up reading it and not quite knowing what to do next.

  259.  #259Emerson on October 30, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Well sirens I hope you all have a great day I am off to start mine!

  260.  #260MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 7:55 am


    I have never felt very competitive myself…I think I may have felt afraid of trying too hard and “failing”. Never wanted to put myself out in order to succeed. My brother is a good example because I definitely measured myself up to him, but couldn’t be bothered to try and compete with him. As an adult I have acknowleged a lot of things and no longer want to measure myself up to anyone but my own best self. I do recognize that a lack of competitive nature doesn’t meash well with using others as a yard stick.

  261.  #261Annie on October 30, 2012 at 7:55 am

    I really do not want to become bonded and attached ever again to a man who does not care about mine or my children’s hearts and have out best interest as his number one priority.
    But I do want to feel bonded and attached.
    I feel scared that I may get drawn in again by believing and falling for a mans words and him winning my heart before he has proved he will take care of it with his actions, EEK.

    I want to stop feeling scared and trust myself more.

  262.  #262Annie on October 30, 2012 at 7:55 am

    I feel anxious again now.

  263.  #263MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 8:02 am

    lol BAB

    Your desire to not have an agenda kind of removes agenda all on it’s own. 😉

    A simple way to ensure “no agenda” is to separate the “result” from the plan of action. Keep it very simple. I speak only to be heard. I listen only to hear. I can walk through any result. Try your best to not even envision any kind of result, positive or negative, when taking some kind of action involving another person. I do this by seeing the taking of the action itself as the “result” I am looking for when planning action.

  264.  #264Heart on October 30, 2012 at 8:07 am

    keep safe Sirens….feeling shocked by all the Sandy pics online.

  265.  #265BAB on October 30, 2012 at 8:12 am

    MssStix-I know you are correct but in my head it doesn’t seem right lol I’m playing the devils advocate I guess.. Lol when I read what you wrote it makes perfect sense to me lol but for some reason there’s a seance of da faqu haha…but thank you for laying out so I can just read and re-read when I’m jumbled!

    Emerson- I agree totally! Wish there was some tools!

  266.  #266Heart on October 30, 2012 at 8:15 am

    I feel restless & energetic and my mind is thinking about new hobbies…
    Going to the hair salon and doing a little bit lf shopping.
    Can anyone recommend any fun web commuities or forums?
    I would really like to waste less time on FB.

  267.  #267Starla on October 30, 2012 at 8:16 am

    My uncle and his family’s house is destroyed and they’re trapped on the second floor and i guess awaiting evacuation now or something, i dunno, really hard to get a hold of them. i hope they get out safe


    weepy at work

    and i’m not sure what to say to any of my friends or if i’m supposed to turn anywhere for comfort. my one close friend is busy talking about his financial problems… i guess it’s not registering to him that this is grave. i feel like chewing him out to stop asking me dumb questions about filing for bankruptcy.

  268.  #268Heart on October 30, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Going to the hair salon and shopping tomorrow/later in the day mean…

  269.  #269Heart on October 30, 2012 at 8:19 am


  270.  #270BAB on October 30, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Lol Humm weirded response to go to moderation.. Why does this happen?

  271.  #271BAB on October 30, 2012 at 8:41 am

    I feel so disappointed and sad at myself for being so weak last night.. I feel good that I was able to not wallow all night but I still feel resentment for being so weak..
    But I will love that girls weakness.

    Not weakness,courage! I’m brave to feel it.

  272.  #272Dominique on October 30, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Tereana – 206 – Did you see my article from last week?
    I talked about just this. If you have more questions or need more detail, let me know.

  273.  #273Dominique on October 30, 2012 at 8:47 am

    All is well enough here. The winds were fierce, and we lost two trees but no damage. The rain was not as severe as last year’s Irene, so no flooding for us, and we only lost power and internet for twelve hours as compared to last year’s three days. No trains are running, and many road closures, flooding in surrounding areas, but most people heeded the warnings. We are staying put today. No ballet classes though 🙁 And the trees which are still standing are mostly denuded. But at least it’s not cold. lol


  274.  #274Sassy on October 30, 2012 at 8:52 am


    You’ve been in my thoughts. Glad to hear you’re ok.

  275.  #275Sassy on October 30, 2012 at 8:55 am


    ((((Starla’s uncle and family))))

    I truly hope and will pray for their safety and well-being.

  276.  #276Starla on October 30, 2012 at 8:56 am

    thank you

  277.  #277Calypso on October 30, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Sirens – The last couple of times I have been with JC I left feeling sort of empty. Sex was hot last night and we cuddled and napped a little afterward, but when I got up to leave, he retreated like he usually does and it is such a turn off for me. I find myself walking out of his house feeling annoyed and just glad to be free – even if we have a nice time, which we did last night – he took me to dinner at my favorite mexican place. I don’t know how to tell him that the way he acts when I leave makes me feel like not coming back. i don’t even want to tell him – we have only been together 2 months – I don’t want it to feel like a chore.

    I never know if this is real or is I am just making it up in my head to keep us from getting too close. I have seen some real signs of me not wanting to move forward with this relationship in the last week or two. It could just be panic because he used the “L” word.

    Ugh . . . I don’t want this. I sort of liked my pain better . . . when I was on my own and just missing GM.

    I’m going to just feel glad that I am able to admit that to myself and try to lean back and relax. I have to keep reminding myself that no one can force me to do anything I don’t want to do. I can walk away tomorrow or next month if I want to. i don’t have to panic and act right now.

    I could use some real therapy, I think . . .

  278.  #278Dominique on October 30, 2012 at 9:00 am

    BAB – 217 – You could have shared something like, “I had a silly insecure thought pass through. I’m feeling okay now. ” Or “I’m still feeling a bit weird because of it.”


  279.  #279Dominique on October 30, 2012 at 9:05 am

    Francesca – 220 – Actually I find it easier in French. You are just not accustomed, just as anyone who is learning to speak in this way finds it weird, difficult at first no matter the language. We are just not raised to speak in this way.


  280.  #280Dominique on October 30, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Vi – 226 – YAY!!! you. Awesome observations and processing.


  281.  #281Dominique on October 30, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Annie – 257 – What an fabulous question. Yes there is a difference, a huge difference. One would be an unhealthy attachment, and the other would be not so much a healthy one as a profoundly intimate one which is called love. And this could be with anyone you would call beloved, a man, a child.

    I SO feel this with K, all the time, and this has nothing to do with co-dependency though I hate that word and don’t really know what it means aside from the dictionary definition.

    It’s an energy cord, a deep bonding cord, an indescribable attachment. Of spirit? Maybe. Of hearts? Surely.


  282.  #282MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 9:17 am

    (((everyone))) stay safe!

  283.  #283surferchica on October 30, 2012 at 9:21 am

    I LOVE this post! It’s exactly where I am. I turn 51 next week, I’ve been separated and divorced for almost 4 years. I’m dating a wonderful guy—met on Match, have been together for over a year.

    But I DON’T want to get married. At all. I love the space my house gives me—I get to return to my own space, no one tells me how to spend money, I create and maintain my own standards of cleanliness, I go out with girlfriends and never have to “check” to see if it’s “okay,” I travel easily and often – with and without him, I feel easy and free with other men—to enjoy them, to flirt, to have coffee or dinner, to be open and fully myself.

    None of these were a part of my marriage so I am jealous to guard them now. My boyfriend (a word I love) is attentive, available, and utterly devoted. But part of the spark we enjoy (that I need) is that he *isn’t* around all the time. I like texting with him during sports, I like phone calls, I like making plans and having dates, I like that we can’t take our time together for granted.

    I like sex in the evening, at his place, where I then return to my house after wards.

    There’s a kind of freedom and excitement in not being together all the time that feels right to me at this stage of life. It could change as we age, but for now, I LOVE my not-married life and if he asked me to marry him, I’d say no.

  284.  #284Dominique on October 30, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Starla – big hugs to you and your stranded family.


  285.  #285surferchica on October 30, 2012 at 9:41 am

    Reading more comments. This “bonded” idea may be an illusion. I was married 25 years. We were “bonded” but in many ways it was a bond of history and trauma and children.

    What I feel with my bf is a different kind of bond. It’s open, free, gentle, chosen every day. He doesn’t take me for granted and we both demonstrate to each other that the other is valuable. That feels like such a bond, a connected valuable expression of love.

    One of the dangers of marriage (it’s a comfort too, I know, but it can also be dangerous to the relationship) is that the bond is assumed. That assumption can lead to neglect or unspoken expectations or tedium.

    In this BF relationship, where I’m done having children and have already lived the whole “traditional family” experience, I am finding that my soul responds better to the uncertainty.

    My 16 year old daughter said the other day (and she is close both to me and her dad): “I think you’d say dating in the 50s is the best!”

    I said to her, “Really? Why do you think that?”

    She said, “Well first, you’ve got J. He’s awesome. Who wouldn’t want to date him? And you get to go to great places and you are both so happy together, and you have fun and he’s good to you.”

    Ha! And I thought: She’s right.

  286.  #286BAB on October 30, 2012 at 9:41 am

    Dominique- thank you! I’m going to do some thinking and decide if its worth bringing up, I feel I may be past.

  287.  #287Emerson on October 30, 2012 at 9:48 am

    266 ((Starla))
    Hope your family will be ok that sounds terrible!!!

    I’ve noticed that a lot of people are preoccupied with their own problems right now … The economy and jobs and gas prices have been terrible. Some friends i used to lean on are in survival mode themselves…. I have had to broaden my horizon for support and it’s been akward/hard.

    Also on another note I am thinking about taking gold lessons but not sure how I’m going to pay for it but I feel curious!

  288.  #288Emerson on October 30, 2012 at 9:51 am

    286 golf lessons not gold lessons lol!!!

  289.  #289CurvySiren10 on October 30, 2012 at 10:01 am

    282 Wow Surferchica! We are soulmates, lol.

    Seriously, I am your age and we are living parallel lives. Very interesting (and kind of spooky) reading your thoughts and comments. I could have written them…

    Just one big difference for me. (and I posted about this yesterday)

    Hope to hear more from you.

  290.  #290LoveAlways on October 30, 2012 at 10:03 am

    My leaning back is not going very well 🙁

  291.  #291CurvySiren10 on October 30, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Sending good thoughts for your NY family Starla!

  292.  #292MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Oh I almost forgot to share my story from this morning. I got caught up in thinking of school…

    I woke up when G got up this morning. Rolled outta bed. Went into a dark bathroom to pee. He came in and flipped the light on and looked at me, and started smiling. Gleam in his eyes. So i’m like “what?” and he says “nothing…” and kissed me (still on the potty lol). He turned on the shower and continued to look at me smiling huge. So, I c0cked my eyebrow at him and he says earnestly “You just look so dam cutesies and girlie!”. So I laughed and said “oh, ok” and thought to myself…I must be having a miracle morning! You know…Where by some freak of nature you roll out of bed looking like a rockstar. I could tell he really meant it. So I stood up, and turned around to face the mirror and dam near gave myself whiplash! I looked like the bride of Frankenstein or something haha Hair all over the place and traces of mascara under my eyes. Good lord.

    So either my boyfriend is totally insane, or the mind of a man in love will turn even the most horrendous of morning looks into beauty in some way. I will believe the latter 🙂 lol <3 to ((((him))))

  293.  #293BAB on October 30, 2012 at 10:12 am

    MissStix- Love it! I had butterfly’s in my stomach for you as I was reading! I love genuine compliments when I look my worst ( at least in my head) lol love men!!!

  294.  #294Mel on October 30, 2012 at 10:23 am

    ((((MissStix)))) Sooooooo cute!

    Men are funny, aren’t they?! 🙂

    A similar thing happened to me…

    After months of him saying everything but the “L” word he finally says it… THE moment…

    Here I am… PJ bottoms, coffee-stained sweatshirt… headed out the door on a Saturday morning… un-showered, greasy messy hair, no make-up, minor breakout happening on my chin…

    “I Love you baby! I’ll email you later… can’t help myself… I’ll probably already be emailing you 5 minutes after you leave…”


  295.  #295MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 10:28 am


    It felt really really nice and amusing and sweet : )

    But yeah, “cutesies” and “girly” definitely didn’t come to my mind lol

    Although I guess us girls do have a bit of a monopoly on the bed-head-raccoon-eyed look. Who am I to argue with the way men see it 😀

  296.  #296MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Aw mel 🙂

    I love stuff like this.

  297.  #297BAB on October 30, 2012 at 10:39 am

    MissStix- That’s too funny! I will say I do raccoon pretty darn well 😉

  298.  #298FlowerChild77 on October 30, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Calypso…what does he do that bothers you (when you leave)? That you said makes you feel you may not want to go back?

  299.  #299BAB on October 30, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Mel- Too cute!!

  300.  #300Annie on October 30, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Ty Dominique.

    Wish we could choose who we fell in love with.
    I feel scared to fall in love with the wrong man for me again and feel this psychic link it scared the shiiiiiittt out of me.
    It was very strong, it sounds nuts some of the things that happened.
    He had it too.

  301.  #301LoveAlways on October 30, 2012 at 10:55 am

    He keeps communicating with me and I communicate back, and then there it goes I Leeeeeeaaaannnn forward!!! I don’t want to lean forward anymore. This is so hard. I did not respond to his last message so that was a tiny little baby step towards my goal. OMG I feel like an addict trying to go cold turkey. I love my anxiety and confusion, I love me, I’m going to be okay, I’m going to get through this. I feel better writing out draft messages and not sending them, this way I get the thought out of my system without hitting “send”

    I don’t feel very strong on the inside right now

  302.  #302Tereana on October 30, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Wow. 10 a.m. and I JUST got up and made breakfast. I was having all kinds of dreams last night. in my defense, I’ve been sick, and I just got my period. Today is a day off for me (though I still have to work, from home, on admin stuff. So I have things to do. But I really needed the sleep). don’t know why I’m being defensive. I took care of myself.

    Anyway, I woke up in the early morning and was having trouble sleeping, because of my cough. I felt like something was “missing.” I felt lonely in my bed. I missed SYG. And I still don’t know what to do. How do I “let go” without letting *him* go? I wondered if I should get his contact out of my phone. Maybe drop him on facebook? But I don’t want to be mean. I still like him, basically. How do I be open to this? What is happening when nothing is happening, but the memories are so nice and sweet?

    We had a really nice time together. I’ve never gone on a driving trip with someone that was so pleasant. In most of my life, any trip involving a drive somewhere was a minefield of disaster. This was just one lovely thing after another. And after that, I felt closer to him, and he felt closer to me, I guess. And that’s why he pulled away – because, as he said, he doesn’t want a relationship right now.

    Which is fine. I don’t want to force anything. I want to just let it be. So I haven’t contacted him in a while, and I haven’t seen him in several weeks. And if he contacts me, okay. I guess I’ll be open to that. I won’t be mad and him or say, “Where have you been?” lol (though it would be tempting)

    I’m going to be open to the new guy who’s calling me. Although I’m not really sure if I want to go out with him. But hey, we’ll see. How do I know what kind of guy I’m going to go out with next? how about a good one? ; )


  303.  #303BAB on October 30, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Lovealways- 🙁 I’m sorry you are feeling down! I’m not gonna give advice because Iam struggling with a few of the same things. But I feel for you!

  304.  #304April Rose on October 30, 2012 at 11:24 am


    I feel you. I feel the same.
    I am leaning into myself, more and more.

    Today I had no ‘urges’ to connect with him.
    That felt really good. Relief at last.

  305.  #305Calypso on October 30, 2012 at 11:24 am

    FW – at first he acts shocked that I’m leaving and then he tells me I should stay, which he sort of acts like he is kidding, but not really. Then, when I actually start to get my stuff together and try to tell him goodbye, he practically ignores me. I hug and kiss him and he is so withdrawn it is tangible. I say something nice and he mutters . . . and he does not walk me to the door, much less to my car.

    He’s pouting and I hate that.

  306.  #306April Rose on October 30, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Ooops, I was not honest then.

    I did have an urge. After he drove me to the station (I got the train to London) he said he was going to press on. He had no wish to stay with me and wave me off on the train like before.

    I felt triggered to mild panic, despair, disgust, and sorrow.

    I said something in my urgency.
    And I forgive myself for it.

  307.  #307Tereana on October 30, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Mel – awww. super cute! (they clearly do not see things the way we do ; )

    Thank you, Dominique! That was a good article. It touched on what I was talking about a little bit.

    But I’m still happy with myself for noticing the distinction – that letting go of a relationship or of a man is one thing. But letting go (of expectation, for example) and staying present IN a relationship is similar, but different.

    Sometimes I think I have to let go of the man or the person or the relationship. But really it’s only the expectations or the assumptions I’m holding onto that I need to let go of…does that make sense?

    Cheers, t.

    Surferchica – that sounds awesome! How great that your 16-year-old daughter noticed that for you : )

    Thing is, I think that’s how I’d like my MARRIAGE to be. Not that we’d live in separate houses. Just that, even as our lives are together, we both have freedom. We might even thrive on a bit of instability or tension, not always knowing what comes next, so that we don’t take it for granted. Even if we *can* take it for granted that the marriage is “there” (once it gets there), we can never really take anything for granted, ever.

    I was thinking last night about losing people, in the extreme. And that’s the risk you take, in loving someone. It’s not a question mark, “will you lose them?” It’s a statement – you will. Even if you stay together, “forever,” one of you will lose the other. And that’s what you have to be prepared for. That’s life. That’s reality. Maybe that’s why being able to “let go” in small ways every day is so important. I don’t know, but I feel like pondering this for a while….

    Maybe I’ll go for a run today.

  308.  #308FlowerChild77 on October 30, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Calypso…oh, pouting….that’s the worst. My guy (late fiance) used to “pout” and I hated it.

    Looking back, I realize that he was rather shy in many ways and that he didn’t always know how to SAY what he was feeling.

    Is it possible that your guy really wants you to stay, but either can’t or doesn’t know how to ask you to? (In my case, he didn’t want to have to “ask”—he wanted me to WANT to stay—so asking me didn’t feel right to him, I’d imagine.)

    I understand how you feel…and just thought I’d share how things were when I experienced “pouting.”

  309.  #309LoveAlways on October 30, 2012 at 11:46 am

    Leaning back feels like leaning too far over a cliff
    I feel like I could slip and drop over to great harm, but I can’t help from leaning over that edge, I’m drawn to it. So I am drawn to leaning back. I’m sitting her trying to do so many things not to communicate with him. I know if I wait he will reach out to me BUT I CAN’T WAIT, but I must wait. This visions in my head of him and us together. I keep re-focusing on me, things that make me happy and calm, and then BAM, there goes the loneliness sucking the air out of my chest and I’m gasping to breathe him in, like a dying breath. I don’t know if I can do this, I feel like crying, and now I can’t stop crying. Damm, I haven’t cried in friggin days. Okay, moment by moment, moment by moment, baby steps honey, take each minute in baby steps towards leaning back.

    OH why am I so fixed on leaning back???

    I want to lean back to stop overfunctioning with this man. I’m in love with him and losing myself. No, I’ve lost myself, and I’m deep deep in and far from my siren shore. Sometimes it feels better to be out here in the unknown, but I realize that there is problem because we should both be on the shore, and it is not safe for me so far out in the waters of relationship. The feeling of neediness is keeping me from reaching the shore, like self imposed anchors tied to my ankle

  310.  #310FlowerChild77 on October 30, 2012 at 11:50 am

    Calypso, I just re-read your post. It sounds to me as though he really does want you to stay and when he sees that you are still leaving, he retreats. Is there some way you can talk to him about this?

    I think it’s kind of a reverse situation from what we’re used to. It’s usually the guy we hear about getting up and leaving after sex. Is this something you two have agreed on, etc.? Just curious because it reminds me so much of my previous situation.

  311.  #311Mel on October 30, 2012 at 11:58 am

    I’ve been thinking a little about this article and the discussion about marriage vs partnership.

    And I shared last week how I don’t really want to get married.

    And the only disadvantage to my choice is that we have no legal rights. Without wills, we are both considered “single” in the event of death. That feels bad. If either was in hospital, what would that mean? neither would have any decision-making ability. It feels uncomfortable to think about those things.

    I guess it is my responsibility to make sure that I can always take care of myself. I suppose that’s not such a bad thing.

    Just thinking about legal matters makes me feel a tightness radiating though…. 🙁

  312.  #312FlowerChild77 on October 30, 2012 at 11:58 am

    LoveAlways…I’m sorry I haven’t kept up with your posts and I’m not sure exactly what the situation is. Your posts last night rang so true for me, so I want to understand.

    Are you trying to leave a relationship or end something that is not good for you now that you’re a Siren? I’m sorry to be so out-of-the-loop, I don’t mean any disrespect by not being able to keep track, but I do care.

  313.  #313LoveAlways on October 30, 2012 at 11:59 am

    Thanks BAB and April Rose

    It’s getting rougher as the hours go by. But I’m not going to give up. If for some reason I give in, I will start over again where I failed. But I’m planning on not failing.

    Posting her really helps

    ((((((SIRENS))))))) Thank you for being here!!!!

  314.  #314Calypso on October 30, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    FW and Flowerchild – I think he really does want me to stay. i think he would be happy if I moved in with him. He got me a tooth brush and put it in his bathroom. When I get there, he says welcome home, etc.

    However . . . I am not at all interested in moving in with him and i don’t want to stay over on a work night. I have stayed over with him on weekends before, but i have a home of my own and I like it.

    I may not be the girl for him? I think he may need more than I am willing to give right now. I really don’t want to try to talk to him about it, because I feel cold inside when I think about it. I would likely just tell him he was better off without me and walk away forever. I’m trying to give us time to bond more. I mean, we honestly spend a lot of time together in my opinion and things have moved fast for me.

    We don’t have sex at my house because I don’t invite him to my house very often and when he does come over, my sons are there. We go to his house a lot because he invitres me and he lives alone. I have 3 grown sons, 5 dogs and 4 cats . . . there is no such things as being alone at my house – lol.

  315.  #315LoveAlways on October 30, 2012 at 12:11 pm


    Thank you for the support and for caring. I need it!
    HScd and I dated when we were just out of our teens. We hooked up this summer and fell fast in love and were inseparable. His ex (two decades together until this year) suddenly reappeared and manipulated him back to her and away from me. I broke things off, and then changed my mind. We are trying to find ourselves now as we are still in love with each other, and I’m just in complete utter turmoil. I believe he is too, over us. I can’t say we are getting back together or what, but I’m just going on my feelings now. I love him deeply and need to find myself more now than ever. But not the old me – a new me, kind of like a phoenix siren rising from the ashes, but right now I’m covered in sut and still buried in ashes up to my ears, and it turns to mud every time I cry. Apologies for the drama effect, that’s just where my head it today.

  316.  #316April Rose on October 30, 2012 at 12:12 pm


    ” No, I’ve lost myself, and I’m deep deep in and far from my siren shore. ”

    This is judgement, honey.

    From what you post, you feel so sweet and lost. Totally sireny.

  317.  #317LoveAlways on October 30, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    (((((April Rose))))))
    I’m glad you have no urges today, that give me real hope that I too can reach that point. Feel so relieved reading your post.

  318.  #318LoveAlways on October 30, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    I am chain drinking coffee. Doing various things to keep busy, as well as those things I must do. I keep going back to look for messages. I feel crazy, I feel obsessive… HUGGGGSSS to me. I feel safe in my house where I’m not hitting the send button, keep it home, keep it close, keep it personal, keep it together girl.


  319.  #319April Rose on October 30, 2012 at 12:17 pm


    When I say ‘lost’, I mean lost in the soup of your feelings. This is utterly feminine and appealing.

    You don’t seem to be putting up any masculine defences or attempting to be ‘strong’.

    Have you tried the fall to your knees tool, until you get bored? Then find something fun to do (from a preprepared list) or that makes you giggle?

  320.  #320LoveAlways on October 30, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    April Rose

    I guess I am judging myself, and him, but I honestly don’t feel anything solid underneath me. I feel no stability, nothing solid sometimes. This feeling scares me because it’s total vulnerability and I’ve been hurt and feel pain. I want to say it’s the bad side of vulnerability, but I don’t even believe those words, I’m just in a bad place emotionally right now ((((((LoveAlways)))))

  321.  #321April Rose on October 30, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Fall to your knees and collapse into the feelings, the despair, the scream.

    Go deeper and deeper into it. Express it all.

    At some point you’re gonna get bored. Then a shift happens!


  322.  #322FlowerChild77 on October 30, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    Mel…I understand your concern about marriage/partnership and the legal aspect. This hits home for me so very deeply because of what I just went through.

    I wish SO much that we had been married instead of just engaged. I had no legal rights when he died. It was an awful feeling to love someone that much and be “no one” to him in the legal sense. Thirteen years of love, life and bonding and I was just “no one.”

    I like how Dominique speaks of her situation. They had nothing ‘against’ being married, but saw no reason to do it because they were perfectly happy the way things were. As she said, recently, there came a time when it just became easier/less problems to BE married (health insurance, etc.)

    I never, ever want to be that close to someone, share that much of myself with them and spend that many years loving them and still be in that ‘limbo’ space of not really having a place in their lives. I’m not sure I ever want to love a man that much again, period.

    It’s not so much about being able to take care of yourself (married vs. single) I think it’s about being able to make decisions and about being recognized as “THE” person in his life. At least that’s the way it feels to me. In this state, the legal order is: spouse; adult children; parent; siblings.

    So, the thirteen years meant nothing. What he wanted (for me to have/live in the house that WE made a home, etc.) meant nothing. According to the “list” his estranged sisters (who made fun of him and disrespected him for the last 40 years) were his ‘family.’

    Of course, a will or a trust would have been helpful, but still would not have made me his ‘family'(and also wouldn’t mean anything until after he died.) All that would have meant was that his property, etc. would have gone to me. The only way to be ‘family’ would have been to be married.

    I’m sorry to go on and on….just really stirred up. Triggered, I guess. I had a very vivid dream this morning about him and I woke up crying and I still feel weepy. Brings it all back like it was new.

  323.  #323LoveAlways on October 30, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    April Rose

    No, not yet, but I’ve thought about it. I start crying when I fall to my knees and I’m so weary of crying, but I’m going to do it.

    It felt soothing to read your post, because I could see nothing that I’m doing right, lol. Thanks so much for point that out to me, I feel more siren-y, even if just a tinsy-winsy bit 🙂

    I’m also going to listen to parts of commitment blueprint and modern siren later on to get grounded again. Back to day one of how to be a siren. Need to jump-start myself but it is soooo hard in this lonliness.

  324.  #324April Rose on October 30, 2012 at 12:23 pm


  325.  #325LoveAlways on October 30, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Yes, will fall to my knees, probably in the shower so the whole house does not hear me weeping yet again

  326.  #326LoveAlways on October 30, 2012 at 12:27 pm


  327.  #327Mel on October 30, 2012 at 12:27 pm


    Thanks for sharing. Big hugs.

  328.  #328Dominique on October 30, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Tereana – 306 – Yes this makes perfect sense. Here’s another article which deals with this subject more directly.


  329.  #329MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 12:34 pm


  330.  #330Dominique on October 30, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Flowerchild – Love to you, so much love.


  331.  #331MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    Hmm..It was always my understanding that a common law spouse (here) has nearly the same rights as a husband or wife. I desire to look this up. If not, at some point, when I decide i’m ready to move in, we will have to give each other POA and HP.

  332.  #332Mel on October 30, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    MissStix… that is the case in most provinces.

  333.  #333BAB on October 30, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    My nucle and aunt were common law partners, my mother always spoke negatively regarding them and there relationship. Humm wonder if that’s my hang up on why I feel the need to be married so badly this past year.

  334.  #334surferchica on October 30, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Thanks CurvySiren. I’m going to look up your post to see what’s different about our situations. I appreciate the encouragement to post more. I have in the past, but I don’t very often. Felt nice to read a response. I’ve gotten a lot out of Rori Raye’s work and materials.

  335.  #335MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    So in BC common law (1 year living together) spousal rights include: access to pension plans, employment insurance benefits, medical and dental benefits, ICBC auto insurance coverage (2 years living together), assets acquired but only what you both own together(individual property remains individual in separations), spousal support.

    Having a will is important. I would say a living will as well. But in my province you are “treated as married” after living together 1 or 2 years.

  336.  #336MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    I feel happy, content to know this. To know what we will need to have in order after we move in.

  337.  #337FlowerChild77 on October 30, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    There have been no “common-law” provisions where I live since 1917. Only ten states have it here in the US. It sounds like in Canada it’s different? Better?

  338.  #338Daria on October 30, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Wow I fuchkin stood up and said no I don’t feel comfortable to my dad when he asked me to do something.

    Wow I feel … Kinda blank.

    I feel worried in Gina get yelled at or verbal attack.

    He’s on a trip so it’s thru text.

    This is great, we are healing, I’m getting respect and taking care of myself And being honest.

    I love me.

    I feel terrified.

  339.  #339Daria on October 30, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    Wow 1 year haha guess that short circuits those slow committers lol

  340.  #340Dominique on October 30, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    MissStix – Common law is not in most states, and the ones who do recognize it have varying laws around it.


  341.  #341Dominique on October 30, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Sorry forgot you are in Canada. The laws in the US are of course different.


  342.  #342BAB on October 30, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Ok seriously there needs to be a ” find good girlfriends ” site or something.. Lol like the movie! I’m sick of not being able to meet good girlfriends since I work as a nanny I’m not really meeting woman I can go have coffee or catch lunch with ugh lol I sorta feel pathetic but I don’t care!

  343.  #343Goddess Lily on October 30, 2012 at 1:18 pm


    I agree. I have very few girlfriends and I feel sad about that sometimes. Most people my age already have their best friends.

  344.  #344BAB on October 30, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Goddess- Yes it’s so heart breaking my best friend lives a few states way and my other ill friends are either way younger or so absorbed in there life’s and problems that have no time for anyone new, and I know that could be me projecting but it’s how it feels! 🙁 where do you live? Lets be friends lol 😉

  345.  #345FlowerChild77 on October 30, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    I appreciate being able to come here. I know no one judges, but when I re-read some of my posts I see how ‘past’ oriented I still am. I feel very good some days. I really wish I could ‘not’ have these dreams; they “interrupt” and set me back.

    Today is gloomy and this morning I could hear the strong winds and the churning lake and in the dream I was taking mail out of the mail box (at the house) but it was snowing out and I was hurrying so “the sisters” wouldn’t catch me. I went into the house but it had a fireplace (there isn’t a fireplace in that house) and D had just come home from work and was motioning toward the outside (sisters) and said that he and I would go out for supper. It felt so real.

    I always felt so safe in that house. It kept me warm and cozy for all those years. So many whopper snowstorms and below-zero nights. Maybe that’s why it was snowing in the dream (and the fireplace?)

    Part of it, I know, is that I feel so sad. That little house is just sitting there, empty. It’s old and it needs to be ‘loved’ or it’s going to fall apart. It needs a roof and gutters—so there are leaks from time to time. And that’s ok when there’s someone there to take care of it. If they don’t put a little heater in the opened cabinet near the sink when it gets real cold the pipes will freeze. (We both had SO much invested in that house.)

    The basement is probably full of water (manual sump-pump) and with no gutters the rain falls off the house in sheets straight into the basement. (We were going to roof it this coming spring/summer.) One more winter, it had to last us. Last time this year we were picking out carpet and looking at steel shingles, lumber and carpet.

    I miss him, of course….but I miss the relationship, our life together…I had a ‘relationship’ with that house and the land…the whole thing—all of it. My soul aches to be out there. Taking care of the property was like meditation or prayer for me. I feel connected to it in a way I can’t describe. I loved caring for all the beds and shrubs; the garden, we did together. I miss hearing the birds every morning and evening. We were very compatible–we did different things, together.

    I feel like I can’t stop this sadness, now. It’s always an all-day thing when I have these dreams. I dream about my son, too. Those are always baby dreams.

  346.  #346CurvySiren10 on October 30, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Surferchica, I really would love to hear more from you! The difference for me is that we decided marriage (and the benefits-legal, emotional, etc.) IS what we want, but without the “collision” of living together. I feel identical to you about that. I just want/need/crave my own space after what that experience was like for me in my marriage. And like you, I really do feel that for us- it keeps things fresh and exciting. I’m NOT saying that other couples can’t maintain that freshness while living together. It’s just not what I want right now. It may or may not change down the road, but that is where we both are right now. Yet, our relationship is amazing and exactly what I always wanted/hoped for.

  347.  #347Smile on October 30, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    I’m attracted to a guy at work. The only guy who appears once every 2 weeks lol. But, he’s so cute. Hmm think I’ll wash my hair and choose myself a nice outfit to wear tomorrow. I’ll put on my favourite smile too 

  348.  #348CurvySiren10 on October 30, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Oh Flowerchild…

    I wish you would be more patient and kind and compassionate with your grieving self. This is all still new…and I think you are doing just AMAZINGLY well, considering everything.

    I feel heartbroken to think of the house you love so much sitting empty. Is it for sale? Could you possible take ownership of it? Is that something you’d like or that would bring you comfort?

    Just want to say I think you are doing SO well and are so incredibly strong. I hope the dreams stop soon- to facilitate more healing for you. {{{{HUGS}}}}

  349.  #349FlowerChild77 on October 30, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    I just cried and sobbed and shook—actually physically wore myself out. Maybe I’ll feel better this evening. It wasn’t so easy to go into gratitude this time.

    Tyler Perry posted something great on FB—about having to look forward in order to get anywhere. I’m trying not to ‘hang on’ to the past but it’s still so deeply IN ME. (It was a good thing to find in my news feed today though.)

    Time for something to eat….

  350.  #350surferchica on October 30, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    CurvySiren10, I can picture marriage for the benefits you describe. Not ready to give up my own living space, either. My mother knows a couple who have been married 25 years in an arrangement like yours and feel perfectly content.

    Good for you! I’m only a year into this relationship, but feel no hurry to change it. I made a commitment to my two youngest kids (16 and 18) that I would not remarry or live with someone while they were still at home. That commitment made it easy not to fall into the “rush to remarry” trap that some of my friends have. As a result, I’ve been in two semi-serious relationships (the first one took a dive when he developed clinical depression for over a year!). I know better than to think you really know who you are with after only a year.

    I say now that boredom, letting down your guard, and irritation must surface before you can know if the one you’re with is the one for you. And even then, I don’t see the benefits of being under the same roof every day. 🙂 Nice to e-meet you!

  351.  #351MissStix on October 30, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    Yes I guess Canada is different. Maybe “better” for those of us not interested in marriage. A couple also becomes common-law immediately if you are living together and expecting a child. The time frame is dropped.

  352.  #352Smile on October 30, 2012 at 2:04 pm


    You may have read this from dominique already. I found it to be heart warming.

    Grieving over the loss of a loved one? It hurts so badly, doesn’t it? The ache in your heart can feel all encompassing, overwhelming? A piece of you wants to disappear altogether.

    This person may have passed on, and this of course can be so very painful. And you would want to go through the stages of grief however this looks to you and heals you in a way that feels best to you.

    This is crucial to allow, for to stuff down your feelings or ignore them will only end up hurting you and maybe others along with you all the more. This pain will emerge eventually whether to lash out at those close to you or to be turned inward where it will eat at you and fester. Either way it’s destructive.

    But this kind of loss and the feelings it brings doesn’t have to be centered exclusively around death.

    This can also come from someone who passes through your life and your heart for seemingly brief periods of time. This person can touch you deeply and then move on. It may be for just a few moments or even a few years, but for whatever reason, he or she is no longer a physical presence.

    People come in and out of your life all your life long. But there will be certain special individuals who have a more significant impact in some way and create a lasting impression.

    Someone such as this creates something within you, arouses something inside that you’ve never felt before or maybe you have but in a new way. Someone like this encourages you, coaxes you to grow to places you never thought possible or maybe never realized existed. Someone like this takes you to realms you may have never even imagined in your wildest dreams.

    Helping your heart open like it has never before, making you feel bigger, expanded, more beautiful, wiser, more loving, more aware, a richer version of you, a more something that doesn’t have words, yet it’s something within you which blossoms in such a way that you will never ever forget.

    This someone stays within you as an integral part of your being, even if the visit in your life seems too short, leaving behind a definite and lasting imprint on your heart and in your soul, changing your life in significant ways. Staying inside you always as a very real entity.

    Yes it feels sad when they depart. You may very well go through a sort of grieving process, very much like when someones passes which is a good thing to allow and recommended.

    Yet they are never truly “gone”, and the gifts they have given you are priceless. What they have enriched you with is a true blessing. Something to be embraced. Something to be cherished. Something to be celebrated.

    So yes feel the pain of what feels like a loss, but take comfort in the treasures you have been gifted with. There’s another piece at work here, the piece that wants to carry on while carrying this person deep in your heart forever making you feel even more complete, a better YOU. And maybe someday you can be this person in someone else’s life. What an honor this is.


  353.  #353Dominique on October 30, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    Flowerchild – 345 – Thinking about all of this, dreaming as you are is all part of processing and healing. I do not feel at all surprised by it and certainly do not feel weary of hearing about it. Please keep writing it until you no longer feel the need. And still it may come up now and then.


  354.  #354Daria on October 30, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    :: Say Goodbye to Guilt ::

    Have you ever had a not-so-good “friendship” with
    someone who was negative, cynical, critical, or even

    Letting go of such relationships can be hard, but when
    you have the courage to stop investing your energy in
    a life-draining relationship, you reconnect with your
    Authentic Power and start feeling your natural
    vitality and joy again.

    Parental *guilt* is like one of those energy-sucking
    “friends” you could do without.

    So today, notice whenever guilt comes along and starts
    another one of its negative rampages about your
    parenting. Gently release guilt by focusing on your
    true friends: Unconditional Love and Self-Acceptance.

    “Thank you, guilt, for trying to be my friend. I know
    you meant well, but it’s not working for me anymore.
    I’m done. You can try calling, but I won’t return your
    calls. Goodbye, guilt…”

    “Hello, Love!” 🙂

  355.  #355Smile on October 30, 2012 at 2:09 pm
    Sorry dominique forgot to post your link 

  356.  #356forest siren on October 30, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    I haven’t posted for a while but I read all the time of course and love all you sirens.

    Flower child my heart is breaking reading about your little house. YOu are amazing to be where you are at with the pain you are going through. I feel so sad for the little house it must miss you and D so much and your energy and love and attention. The way you were describing it felt so poetic to me I can almost see it and hear the birds. You have a real talent for evoking emotion through your words – do you write?

    I am feeling more in love each day. Lionman is blowing me away. I’ve been really thinking about what I’ve been reading here about letting go of expectations and seeing the love that is offered. It has been a really scary few days with Sandy and this morning Lionman drove through impassable dangerous roads to get to me .. I don’t know how he did it it was so brave and manly! He’s my hero (((Lionman))) it felt so good to receive that love from him.

    I hope all you other sirens are safe wherever you are but particularly those on the east coast.

  357.  #357FlowerChild77 on October 30, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    Thank you CurvySiren.

    No, that’s what makes me angry. It’s not on the market…not even FSBO. I don’t understand what they’re doing. I looked forward to the time it would sell and someone would care for it, at least. (This fits in with the whole ‘power and control’ agenda they had/have.)

    The nuclear plant is closing (employs close to 700 people in this county and pays over $83,000.00 a year to the township). That means the property taxes in that township will increase dramatically over the next year. It will be harder than ever to sell the house now.

    There was/is nothing I can do about it except to try and put it behind me as best I can. It hurts too much to think of it. That’s what I mean, these dreams are unwelcome and I feel ‘invaded’ by thoughts and feelings I don’t want. Thoughts, I can refocus and find a better feeling one. The emotion that the dreams stir up just sticks with me–harder to focus on something else.

    Thanks for listening…it helps a lot. I feel disappointed that I was feeling so good over the weekend, and even yesterday and here I am again.

  358.  #358Daria on October 30, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Annie – i don’t feel good with the way i imagine society is existing. I am feeling happy thinking of it ‘breaking down’ and humans living in a happy, natural, conscious-peaceful relations.

    Society like i think of it now, structured on control, better than, violence and labor – feels so sad to me 🙁

    i want to feel less fear of authority ! i want to feel more comfortable expressing my truth, who i am, and sharing my gifts. im healing towards this. babysteps for me

    i feel sad reading comments about ‘have to’ ‘way it is’ etc. i have some of those beliefs too. im choosign to heal. ‘reality’ is not set in stone, it’s what i ‘see’ based on my beliefs… soemthing that i get from Rori work too, as ‘reality’ with men seems to magically shift as i shift my beliefs

  359.  #359Daria on October 30, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    and i feel good about the belief in that last sentence

  360.  #360Queen Bee on October 30, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    God I really blue today. It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. Iam very much into my feelings right now. I’ve got to stop talking to MH he runs so hot then cold. I feel like a train is running around in my heart. Stop then start, stop then start. Sometimes I feel like iam in control of what’s going on then ” ban” iam not he is. I know he’s not going to get it togather so why iam I still holding on?

  361.  #361Daria on October 30, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    I feel really inspired applying Scott Noelle’s concepts to relating with men, with my lil girl, and with my family

  362.  #362Daria on October 30, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    and friends! and ooooohhhhhh other people i commune with… wow i feel inspired i haven’t thought of that yet!

  363.  #363Daria on October 30, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    (((((Queen Bee)))))) – why are you still holding on? are those beliefs true?

  364.  #364CurvySiren10 on October 30, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    FC, you’ve gotta accept and embrace that you’ll be up & down for a while. It’s all okay. It’s all expected. It’s all YOUR process. And your strength is just AMAZING and awesome to me. And I’m sure many others here…

    Just the fact that you can move forward every day boggles my mind. Give yourself credit. Give yourself a ton of love. Eventually those invasive dreams WILL start to abate and free you up from the pain it causes.

    I know the house situation is just another irritant/painful thing to deal with …on top of everything else. But you really are an incredibly strong and beautiful woman. You’re gonna be just fine…


  365.  #365Smile on October 30, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Each time I do something I’ve not done for a while, it feels familiar. It feels like I’ve turned anotherightbulb on. This keeps happening.
    I didn’t realise how lost I was. I feel like I’ve come out of hibernation.

  366.  #366maxine on October 30, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Sirens..I’d love to hear anyone’s thoughts on this..
    I am co-habiting with my ex and our 3 children..neither of us financially in a position to move out..we were together for 17 years and he basically checked out blaming me for everything..I was in such a state I moved in with my mum until he met up with me after 2 weeks and said come back and lets sort it but sleep became clear very quickly his version of this was putting me on was so hard so I held back for a couple of weeks but after he got mad with me after I had a night out I leaned forward and asked him what he wants for us..he said he wasn’t sure and felt we were work in progress..I then told him he could therefore consider us separated as I felt unable to ‘do’ this on those terms and felt I was made wrong about everything. I felt he wanted things to turn out well eventually yet wasn’t willing to acknowledge his wrongdoings or see how much pain this was putting me through…well I just went into downward spiral trying to live alongside him and take care of our girls while work full time in a management job..I almost lost because I was getting really poor results at was hell and as he only works PT this house relies on my income…I was in purgatory and still am..he had hinted that I should be the one to move out but I am their Mum and a great one at that..I will not be that Mum that moved out I won’t do that to my girls and I KNOW they want to live with me..he’s not emotionally available to care FT for 3 girls and they are so close to I am terrified he will just up and leave with them and there will be nothing I can do financially…he now speaks to me like he dispises me and wont make eye contact and ignores wasn’t THAT bad until a couple of weeks ago I literally stopped being in the same room as him as it was the only way I could find to cope and get on with my work so I didn’t get was since then he now openly is hateful im his manner with me and worse yet..he refuses to discuss ANYTHING with me..where on earth is the man I knew and loved? he used to be wonderful and I genuinely have done nothing to deliberately hurt him..I made mistakes in our relarionship just like he did..except that he became very secretive in last 2 months before we spilt and I found a FB profile of his basically with women on it for him to flirt with online and I called him on it and told him i felt hurt..
    please..what does everyone think…I feel so desperate…

  367.  #367Smile on October 30, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    I found myself walking with my head down today.

    Note to self, head up, eyes open.

    I love my awareness.

  368.  #368Starla on October 30, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    hey i heard about my family. they lost everything, and i mean everything, but they’re physically okay. thanks for the support, ladies.

  369.  #369Miss Bells on October 30, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    Marriage the end all and be all??
    Not for me it’s not. And it isn’t just because I don’t want to “take care” of an old man. That part doesn’t bother me so much.

    I have had THREE marriages that weren’t so great.

    But being around HS is great, most of the time. The other day I told him–“if all I wanted was to get married I would be–to someone else. Someone who wanted marriage.” And it’s true– I am choosing to stay with him because that it what i want to do.

    Now–he has a real health problem. I leaned forward quite a bit to get him to a naturopathic doctor. But I am glad I did.

    I can feel him getting more attached to me.

  370.  #370Starla on October 30, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    ohhhhhhhh perma-anxiety from the last 24 hours

    hopefully belly dance class tonight will shake it off

    we’re learning zills! i am going to take a pair home. I can’t wait!

  371.  #371Smile on October 30, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    ((starlas family))

  372.  #372Daria on October 30, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    oh wow ! my mom got me some black with silver sparkle leggings that show off my monkey bein fat without showing my pussy lips yay wow

    they have vertical lines on them that curve on my thighs making my nani look really prominent in a beautiful curve

    i feel teary!

    i feel happy1

  373.  #374FlowerChild77 on October 30, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    Thank you CurvySiren and forest siren…I feel exhausted. These kind of days always do that to me. I’ll be in bed early and try to start over tomorrow.

    It helped to get it out…talk about my dream and all the feelings it stirred up in me. I know I will be OK.

    I am so very lonely and I’m starting to miss the physical part of the relationship. (That’s bothering me more than I’d like to admit.) I’m not really available for a relationship, so I feel kind of ‘stuck.’

    The answer always seems to be—one day at a time.

  374.  #375April Rose on October 30, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    I feel lost.

    I intend to create a framework for my life.

    I intend to awaken my inner man. I am all girl, all feelings.

    I wonder how to make the most of this and still make a good living….


  375.  #376Tam on October 30, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    one day at a time, that’s right.
    that wasn’t a good one, tomorrow is another one.

  376.  #377Tereana on October 30, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    Dominique – 328: thanks for that article!

    That was perfect, and I think exactly what I was looking for.

    I guess the key, though, is that, even though you made a “mistake” with K, and didn’t appreciate what you had, and instead got upset about what you didn’t have – you are still with him. You must have already had a strong relationship up to that point, in order to be able to manage that, where he wouldn’t be so miffed that he would “leave you” over not appreciating him, and that you wouldn’t be so upset that you’d decide he was simply a bad partner.

    That’s been sort of the story with most of my more recent relationships.

    I think (I KNOW) I’ve been avoiding intimacy A LOT ever since I was engaged. That was a very powerful bond that I had. That was a relationship that had its own “life.” I could feel it. I definitely have NOT felt that with anyone since. And part of the trouble has been that I am comparing every new relationship with every new person to the bar that was set by that one guy. He came in, and he did everything “right,” according to plans I had never made, but which made total sense at the time. It flowed along perfectly, I did nothing to “make” it happen. I was even CD-ing at the time. I got my perfect proposal, my perfect ring. And then it all fell apart.

    And so, I do the typical thing that most people do, after a situation like that – I try to avoid it. If someone were to propose to me again, I don’t think I would trust it (or maybe I wouldn’t trust myself). Which is why, a lot of the time, I wish I could just skip the “engagement” part. I want to go straight from “dating” to “getting married.” People call it a “trial period,” but I see it more as a tease. A “way out” if you don’t really want to commit. I want to see the decision as a commitment. Not like, “maybe we’ll get married in six months.” But, “I want to marry you Now. Let’s do it.” Or at least, as soon as possible. But it’s a “we are GOING to get married,” not “we are ‘planning’ to get married.” Do you get it?

    There’s a lot of fear around that. Fear and desire at the same time. It was a traumatic event.

    I’ve let go of the desire for that person and that relationship completely. But since my ideas about marriage and “what’s supposed to happen” were so wrapped up in that experience, I now find that I have mixed feelings on the idea of marriage. On the one hand, I want it, and on the other hand, I feel very afraid. Even though I know I don’t have to be.

    I know that, when the time comes, what is actually right for me will be totally different. When I’m ready, I’ll be able to accept the right relationship. And I can still get my ring. And I can still get my wedding (if I want one). And I can still have the partner I desire. I just don’t want to get so focused on “the ring” and “the wedding.” Those are just things. They are nouns. It’s the verb I am interested in….

  377.  #378Goddess Lily on October 30, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    (((Starla’s family)))

    Horrible that they lost everything, but at least they are ok.

  378.  #379Francesca on October 30, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    (((Starla))), ditto what Goddess Lily said @378.

  379.  #380Luzydel on October 30, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    I am feeling indifferent towards men lately; I guess it is a stage I am going though so I am not going to fight it; I am just not liking men so much lately… I don’t know what I want right now…

    Something triggered this feeling and it is inside me for the past three weeks. I Just don’t feel excited about men…I hardly am dressing up to impress them. however, I am also so confident when they are surrounding me… Like they are not important for me to do something…

    Maybe a man out there will be ‘sexy’ back and I will like men again lol

  380.  #381ruth on October 30, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    drops in
    leaves hugs and flowers
    allI can do right now

    amazing to see the support on here

  381.  #382LoveAlways on October 30, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    Good night sirens:

    I switched my vibe, and it happened in just a few hours.

    HScd called after many heartwrenching hours of leaning back after a “flash and bang” of messages I decided to get out of my system. I leaned back after that. He called and I was an invitation, open, followed the 4 rules, and spoke in deep honest feeling messages. We discussed everything, we discussed us, we discussed boundaries and we don’t know what the future holds, but we are moving forward with honesty and connection and will see where we are in time. Love survived. WE CONNECTED. WE CONNECTED. WE CONNECTED. Leaning back and feeling messages worked for me yet again. Thank you for all of your support sirens!

    I’m exhausted and spent, but my vibe has changed. Going to finish listening to commitment blueprint (it helped today), meditate for a moment and then drift off to sleep.

  382.  #383Ulii on October 30, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    I hope all the Sirens & their families in US who were close to the stormy areas are safe & sound!

  383.  #384Annie on October 30, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    366: maxine.


    I honestly do not know how it is possible to be civil under these circumstances.

    Where are you?


  384.  #385Ulii on October 30, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    This article has been triggering to me.

    I find myself thinking I did a big mistake freaking out on the non-committedness of y ex. I beat myself up about thinking that not being married was the problem…and the symbol of him not committing…and not seeing the other many ways he was actually really committed to me. I would have needed just to be more patient & more secure in myself and in his love for me. And he would have gotten there on his own for his own reasons. I truly believe it now. I feel a deep regret.

    These days I miss my ex M so much. I feel the longing to have him back. I feel like having a “talk” with him. Telling him I still love him. And that it’s ok even if we don’t get married.

    Other people encourage me to do so. To “fight” for it if it’s important. They tell me that as I have hurt him a lot, he´s afraid now. That he is making little efforts to show me he´s still interested (which he does, like leaving me flowers & little notes and being very gentle with me and wanting that I´d continue to stay at his parents house in spite of the new gf getting angry with him about that & he would not want me to leave the country), but that I have to respond by giving him the full information. And that the new girl he´s seeing is nothing serious yet. It feels all really awkward and o confusing.

    Most of the time I feel I should accept him as he is right now. A bit shy and really hurt by me and my actions last summer. And also afraid of me needing “too much” of him…things he feels incapable of. And maybe not expect him to step up in a really big way like getting on his knees & offering marriage and ring to me.

    I feel I should tell him I still feel open to be with him again. But I feel so afraid of rejection and to find out he has moved on emotionally. Although my intuition tells me he hasn´t.

    I´d feel so grateful of some other Siren´s comment.

  385.  #386Ulii on October 30, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    Oh…I feel so sad to hear about Starla’s family. Still glad though that the loss is only material.

    ((((Starla’s family))))

  386.  #387Annie on October 30, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    What is that all about when a man refuses to look at you and avoids eye contact?
    That feels awful to me.

  387.  #388Annie on October 30, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Rori says
    “In my opinion – if you treat a man in a truly loving way with absolutely NO agenda about what YOU’LL get out of it, if you love him and accept him unconditionally, if you have fun together and good sex together and laugh and can cry together – he’ll feel so unpressured that he’ll instinctively move closer and closer to you and eventually want to seal the deal officially, for his own reasons.”

    I feel confused about this as if he is getting all this anyway without marriage the message I was hearing from you is why would he then want it? As he already has you without it.

  388.  #389Miss Bells on October 30, 2012 at 7:26 pm


    I am loving and accepting of HS without an agenda. I also live elsewhere. He doesn’t have me around all the time. So–if he wants me around ALL the time, he has to convince me to live with him, which would involve another level of commitment on his part.

    Also–I am not sure if I WANT to marry. But I am sure I want a deeply loving committed relationship. So, I really don’t have that agenda. If my agenda was just to be married I would have more assurance of achieving my aims if I looked elsewhere.

  389.  #390Ulii on October 30, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    @ 387, Annie

    I don’t really know about men, but, above shyness (which is the case for not having too long eye contact) I’m avoiding eye contact if I feel ashamed of my feelings, or afraid that something that I’ll say will hurt the other person or make her/him angry.

  390.  #391Turquoise on October 30, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    Hi Sirens… Hope all is well! I just had to share this. 🙂 many months ago, inspired by Mel’s simple universe box made from a paper clip box, I made one too and left it on my desk at work. Today I found the box behind the monitor and opened it to read my wishes. I had written to be happy, have a new car and financial security. Mr. C. Isn’t the full blown relationship I want, but he has brought a lot of happiness to my life. Saturday I bought a 2013 Hyundai Sonata that I LOVE! And in doing my budget, really found I have enough money for what I want and need. It’s just prioritizing a car payment over eating out. 🙂 none of this appeared out of thin air, I made it all happen…. But the point is that it’s real… I created it, and it actually came to be, I’m not just talking about what I want, I’m making it happen! 🙂

  391.  #392Daria on October 30, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    wow im doing really well with feeling through trauma, shaking and trembling crying



  392.  #393Daria on October 30, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    Annie – he could still want it if the woman doesn’t agree to exclusivity

  393.  #394Daria on October 30, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    yes!! 10 min phonecall … wooo hoo!

  394.  #395Daria on October 30, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    haha actually it was 30 min but it felt like 10 🙂

  395.  #396Tereana on October 30, 2012 at 10:48 pm

    Turquoise – that sounds really cool! Thank you for sharing!

    Can you describe more about the “Universe box”? I must have missed it the first time when Mel posted it.

    Sounds like you are doing awesome. I feel inspired! : )

  396.  #397maxine on October 30, 2012 at 10:49 pm

    thanks Smile and Annie for listening to my story
    I felt so awful when I posted and to be heard felt lovely
    I have good friends and other family who can’t believe how he’s being
    Annie I’m in England..
    I just don’t feel able to find any way to be happy or work on me right now with all this hate coming at me from him..I haven’t experienced anything like this since being bullied as a child so it majorly triggers me to withdraw…and I was doing so well shifting my vibe and moving forward, getting a new hair do and slowly giving up control..such as when he goes out and chooses not to tell me where he’s going I don’t ask him..I just practise letting go..I want to CD but so much of my time is invested in my girls and work
    I wish some guy would just sweep me off my feet lol!
    what do I do in the face of this recent step up in anger and hatred from I still keep calm and civil..I mean if I don’t then what am I teaching my girls?

  397.  #398Tereana on October 30, 2012 at 10:52 pm

    Starla, I missed that about your family. I’m guessing it was the storm? Glad to hear they are ok (physically)..

  398.  #399Daria on October 30, 2012 at 10:52 pm

    i feel glad Starla’s family is safe

  399.  #400Daria on October 30, 2012 at 10:54 pm

    im making bone broth out of my grass fed cow bones…

    and it got to the part where the meat is coming off the bone and MMM

    i just ate it with salt and i gave soem to my cat

    and he liked it so much he jumped on the table to make sure i KNOW he wants more



    yum and now i feel all warm and nourished

  400.  #401maxine on October 30, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    I also feel like he thinks by making my life here so uncomfortable then I will just move out and then he gets everything..our girls..home etc and not to mention my money as he will get child support from me if I am the one to leave…it would basically solve all his problems if I simply dissappeared
    BUT as I say..I am not going to do that to my girls..they need me..
    I am very tempted today to give my notice in at work and then there are no obstacles in the way of being with my girls
    I love my job and it gives me independance but he’s always hated me going out to work and him being PT…he used to accuse me of all one day he started a row with me and told me that I only care about myself simply because after work on a hot day I came straight home and showered!!!

  401.  #402Smile on October 30, 2012 at 11:46 pm


    It took me a while and a lot of reading but circular dating is not just about ‘dating’ you can try it with everyone you meet, including yourself.

    If your in England, can you go to the citizens advice to ask about living arrangment? My brother got lots of free support from them.

  402.  #403Smile on October 30, 2012 at 11:55 pm


    Also just quick before I go to work. There are feeling messages you can say when you hear his anger. Lots was shared around this for simply goddess on the last thread.

    I dint feel good hearing your anger…

    Then you leave and take care if yourself.

    Hope other sirens can help you with this.

  403.  #404Francesca on October 31, 2012 at 2:26 am

    Tereana @396

    A Universe Box is like a wish list but in a box.

    You get a box you like, it doesn’t have to be anything expensive, since it’s the intention that counts, you write down what you want, whatever you can think of (money, car, house, love, etc.) on pieces of paper, you put them in your box and you let it go and let the Universe do its thing!

    Quite simple but it seems to be working!

  404.  #405Daria on October 31, 2012 at 2:54 am

    i just discovered a belief to be rough and vigorous with my body :/

    not aware and pleasurable

    i want to “work out” and feel PLEASURE the whole time

    THAT is how it would feel good

    thats how i want it done

    not this rough man shove it down stuff

  405.  #406Daria on October 31, 2012 at 2:55 am

    if i can have sex however i want it

    i can touch and move myself however i want to

    and thats pleasurable

  406.  #407Daria on October 31, 2012 at 2:59 am

    i cant believe i was casting myself as the wannabe friend losery girl

    now im casting myself as a star

    wanted by all admired and loved by all

    liveing a faery life

    im living safe, amazing, exalted, admired, seen, faery, natural,




    magical and magical and magical

    and always magical and

    feels great amazing faericita

    its ok to be like this all the time

    its ok even if they said it wasnt

    ha d concerns taht it would distract you and then you go back and die


    i want to finish that story in a way to feel good

    im giving my divinity permission to finish that story for me

  407.  #408Daria on October 31, 2012 at 3:00 am

    stories are medicine

    songs are medicine

    movies are medicine

    food is medicine

    “mind goes blue black”

  408.  #409Daria on October 31, 2012 at 3:10 am

    wow Daria youre so good

    and capable

    and smart

    and aware

    you really just did that for me

    wow i feel blown away

    i admire you

  409.  #410Daria on October 31, 2012 at 3:12 am

    thank you for doing that wonderful and pleasurable and so aware stretch for me

  410.  #411Goddess Lily on October 31, 2012 at 3:51 am


    I’m in the US.

  411.  #412Butterfly Wings on October 31, 2012 at 4:05 am

    Hi sirens! I have drinks planned with NWG on Friday. It’s not a date – just after work drinks, and I’m planning on getting my flirt on! I’m still not convinced anything should or will happen with him but I am planning on having a fun night!

    This will be the first night out since I emotionally let TH go… 🙂

  412.  #413Turquoise on October 31, 2012 at 4:05 am

    Thanks Tereana! I do feel great most of the time 🙂 the universe box was an idea silver moonbeam first shared, I think back in February. Several of us had fancy ones… Mine was an Italian jewelry music box beside my bed. The idea was to write down what you want and give it over to the universe. At that time, a lot for me was about reconciling with my ex. Which actually we have…. But not in the romantic, get back together way I wanted. Instead, we talked it through, wasn’t what he wanted and I let it go. It felt so freeing to really let it go and be open to something new. My ex and I are friendly, he went car shopping with me, helped me with the financing. I decided taking the best from him is receiving and I deserve it. I’ve always been a giver, but more so an over functioner. That’s probably the hugest change I see in myself since coming here.
    Mr. C. Fills me up in a lot if ways, but I know I want more…. So now working through my feelings for him, to kind of see how I can have it all. It’s amazing to be so aware now. I see things so clearly. I’m working on me right now. Loving myself enough to make good choices, to be responsible for myself. A lot of why I’ve wanted to remarry was for the financial aspect. To not have to take care of myself completely. I see now that’s putting myself down. Not loving myself enough to strive and dream and work hard to giveysekfvwhat I want. I’m capable! I’ve had a lot of aha moments lately….. And most have been about being my best self. I’m taking my weight loss goals 5 pounds at a time. Saving a few dollars at a time…. Dreaming small ideas that I can achieve and feel that success. I know I still have a long way to go, but now I’m definitely on the right road. No doubts holding me back. It feels so freeing to let go of old ideas and beliefs that didn’t serve me. Basically, my main belief now is that I am enough.

  413.  #414Goddess Lily on October 31, 2012 at 4:06 am

    I have never felt more confused. My work ex that I love called out of the blue yesterday and offered to do this that and the other to me….really weird. I felt so speechless that I let him dome over. Next thing I know, he starts talking about our relationship and why he acted the way he has over the years. He was revealing a lot of his worries, almost all of which have to do with him. He may get a job out of the state so he doesn’t want to start anything. But then he says he’s afraid if we try again, we’ll break up. He did not take our first breakup well. Then he said something about not minding if we had an oops baby, my wording, not his. I think he would be trying to trap himself in a commitment. I feel so thrown off right now.

  414.  #415Turquoise on October 31, 2012 at 4:09 am

    Oh, and with Mel’s box, it was simple, a paperclip box, she just wrote house, and shortly afterwards, her boyfriend asked her to live with him 🙂

  415.  #416Turquoise on October 31, 2012 at 4:12 am

    Butterfly Wings, way to go 🙂 hope you have a blast !

    Starla, I’m sorry to hear your family lost everything, but glad they are ok! It’s barely stopped raining here since Saturday, but we are ok.

  416.  #417Francesca on October 31, 2012 at 4:20 am

    Turquoise and Butterfly Wings, you both rock! 🙂

  417.  #418Turquoise on October 31, 2012 at 4:21 am

    One thing I’m going to note, is that being clear about what you want really helps achieve it, a lot faster. When I took reconciling with C out of my box, I met Mr. C. I just took the new car dream out of my box and I’m not adding anything new. I want to focus on the 3 I have left in there: weight loss, a raise and true love. I believe the true love, is actually about myself, not so much about a man…. Because when I truly love myself, anything will be possible. 2012 has been a good year for me. I’m amazed at how much I’ve changed my outlook.

  418.  #419Turquoise on October 31, 2012 at 4:23 am

    Thanks Francesca 🙂 what’s happening with you?

  419.  #420Turquoise on October 31, 2012 at 4:24 am

    Goddess Lily, that is a lot to think about. How do you feel about him? Would you want a long distance relationship?

  420.  #421Tam on October 31, 2012 at 4:37 am

    I had a triggerfest yesterday, and today has started similarly.
    I realised that I feel so much resentment now, and still hold anger and thought it was already done.
    It’s not even just the man, also a particular friend. I got stepped on, simply because my boundaries were crappy – and I blame them? And feel resentment?
    How silly, since it was me who didn’t set and defend my boundaries, they were just doing what is human nature to do. Particularly those individuals for whom empathy and thinking abou others does not come natural and they usually only think about having their needs met by whatever way possible.

    It’s all about me though. The resentment I feel is not towards them, but when I look at it – it’s all towards myself for not looking after myself properly.
    I have been sabotaging myself.

    I feel sad about this, because who will be left rootin for me, when I didn’t seem to be rooting for myself even? No wonder everyone has fallen by the wayside because they don’t see me as ‘useful’ right now to satisfy their needs. Maybe, if I had set my boundaries earlier, those kinds of people wouldn’t even be in my life anymore now.
    I am wondering why I ever thought so little of myself to give people the power to shatter my dream by talking me in and out of things, or give them the power to walk all over me and request favours rather than ask for them….
    or allowed them to run hot and cold on me depending on their needs and me like a puppy dog responding to that in whichever way suited them and not me.

    What a triggerfest it was.
    And I have nobody to blame – I wish I could blame someone, that would make it so much easier.

  421.  #422Vi on October 31, 2012 at 4:39 am

    Emerson, Dominique I felt glad to see your feedback, thank you!

  422.  #423Tam on October 31, 2012 at 4:42 am

    ….and why feel resentment for them carrying on on their merry little way without looking back? I feel the resentment because that is what I should be doing now.
    Not looking back, and looking forward. Why can’t I just do that and wish them luck rather than almost feel jealous that they seem to ‘have it all’ and I was dropped because I outlived my usefulness.
    Shouldn’t I be the one smiling and running and feeling happy that I am rid of the nonsense.

    I feel confused and tearful. Maybe its hormonal also. Who knows 🙁

  423.  #424surferchica on October 31, 2012 at 4:46 am

    Tam, have you ever read this blog:

    It was really helpful for me as I got over my last two break ups. It’s normal, proper, really, to feel the loss deeply. When a man doesn’t, it can make you feel like you’re irrational. But the truth is, the men who are not good for us *don’t* feel deeply. They don’t have the capacity, which is why they wind up hurting us too easily. They move on to keep from feeling anything but what they permit—a kind of “above the fray” attitude toward deep emotion and connection.

    Don’t be deceived. He only appears happy. He isn’t any different than he was with you. But let’s pretend he is. IT DOESN’T MATTER. Your life, your grief—these are yours to care about.

  424.  #425Francesca on October 31, 2012 at 4:55 am

    Turquoise, you should drop by on the FB group, you would learn all about it!

    I really don’t feel like writing about it here…sorry.

  425.  #426Annie on October 31, 2012 at 4:55 am

    397: maxine says:

    “thanks Smile and Annie for listening to my story
    I felt so awful when I posted and to be heard felt lovely
    I have good friends and other family who can’t believe how he’s being
    Annie I’m in England..
    I just don’t feel able to find any way to be happy or work on me right now with all this hate coming at me from him..I haven’t experienced anything like this since being bullied as a child so it majorly triggers me to withdraw…and I was doing so well shifting my vibe and moving forward, getting a new hair do and slowly giving up control..such as when he goes out and chooses not to tell me where he’s going I don’t ask him..I just practise letting go..I want to CD but so much of my time is invested in my girls and work
    I wish some guy would just sweep me off my feet lol!
    what do I do in the face of this recent step up in anger and hatred from I still keep calm and civil..I mean if I don’t then what am I teaching my girls?”

    I would love to be able to give you the best advice Maxine, but feel Rori and Dominique are best for that.
    I don’t know what is best for you short term or long term What do you want long term? When you know this you can slowly work towards that.
    It does sound like if you are able to get dressed up and date yourself as much as pos odd evening weekend day and CD get yourself out of there and practice roris tools that you would get a clearer picture of what you want and feel better.

    From what I can gather working 30 hrs a week and getting top ups if you kick him out is financially best option.
    Only problem is then you need babysitter if you want to cd.
    So it is what you think is your best option for now to work towards tour best long term option.
    For me getting out there and doing something fun is and cding made me feel better and get a clearer picture.

  426.  #427Annie on October 31, 2012 at 4:59 am


    401: maxine says:

    “I also feel like he thinks by making my life here so uncomfortable then I will just move out and then he gets everything..our girls..home etc and not to mention my money as he will get child support from me if I am the one to leave…it would basically solve all his problems if I simply dissappeared
    BUT as I say..I am not going to do that to my girls..they need me..
    I am very tempted today to give my notice in at work and then there are no obstacles in the way of being with my girls
    I love my job and it gives me independance but he’s always hated me going out to work and him being PT…he used to accuse me of all one day he started a row with me and told me that I only care about myself simply because after work on a hot day I came straight home and showered!!!”

    You don’t have to go anywhere Maxine.
    You are entitled and will get help to stay in the family home with your girls until the youngest in 18.
    Are you able to get holiday and get appointment with citizens advice?

  427.  #428Tam on October 31, 2012 at 5:06 am

    Thanks surferchica, nice words.
    The worst of it is that there wasn’t even a breakup as not even a relationship. Something like, I guess.

    And it’s not even about one person. I just get dropped and feel used as and when it suits, two people in particular, two strong personalities…and I realise it’s not them at all, they just do what they do and they don’t owe me anything.
    I owe myself though.
    I just had a big revelation.
    I have been concentrating what they do, whilst I should have been concentrating on me.
    Urgh. Weird feelings.
    Perhaps I feel bad concentrating on me. Brings up too much stuff. No idea.

  428.  #429Vi on October 31, 2012 at 5:08 am

    Oh wow I feel in my head reading about school / homeschooling… mmm.. I feel triggered to imagine that one day I’ll have children … hmm I feel my teeth clenched and I feel tightness in my chest and neck… my fists feel stiff .. my Yang energy says that he loves my tightnes.. hehe and it feels genuine and I feel warm and giggly and I feel trust.. omg and it feels so good! hmmm… when I have children, I .. I … I will immediately turn “old”! Omg I feel shocked and kinda panicy and embarrased… to dig out such a belief of mine. Awww.. I love my beliefs and my panic and shock and embarrassement! mmmm… I feel an urge to “resolve” that and I don’t know how and I feel sad…. hmmm.. I love my sadness 🙂 mmmm….. expanding and experiencing would feel good… it would feel fun to experience motherhood… okay no need to rush my dear … and “resolve” … I don’t want me to feel stressed.. Vi you just felt shocked and I want you to be gentle to yourself 🙂 – says my Yang energy… hehe ….. mmm it feels good to be aware … I feel curious what wotherhood would feel like to me… I love you Vi

  429.  #430Goddess Lily on October 31, 2012 at 5:21 am


    A long distance relationship wouldn’t even be half the problem. We don’t even hang out now, he’s always busy working….but I think much of that is him avoiding a relationship because he is afraid to fail. He sticks with what he is good at… I don’t know whether he would ever get past that fear. And then as much as I love and respect him and we know each other sooooo well, if I really think back, do I really want him? I feel conflicted about not knowing whether much of our issues were related to his fear of relationship failure.

  430.  #431Tam on October 31, 2012 at 5:29 am

    Surferchica, that is quite a profound sentence and so true…:
    ‘But the truth is, the men who are not good for us *don’t* feel deeply. They don’t have the capacity, which is why they wind up hurting us too easily. They move on to keep from feeling anything but what they permit—a kind of “above the fray” attitude toward deep emotion and connection.’

    Especially when they are emotionally unavailable and even say themselves that they are cold as ice.
    Well, I was a bit like that too….it’s like I am feeling the aftershocks of a huge earthquake that hit me a few months ago, the realisation that I had a lot of my own wmotional unavailability to heal.
    I guess I still haven’t come out of intensive care yet, all the while I want to rip off my hospital gown and run out, pretending I am healed.
    Urgh, urgh, urgh..sometimes I feel hopeless.

  431.  #432Tam on October 31, 2012 at 5:30 am

    Right now I just feel abandoned and alone. And hormonal. 😉

  432.  #433Dominique on October 31, 2012 at 5:40 am

    Tereana – 377 – I feel delighted the article helped.

    As for my former situation, K is not like this. He felt my appreciation for him in other areas and in other ways, the ways I was still learning for myself with him appreciating me, the not in words ways. He is also a very wise and patient man. I don’t know this for sure, but I can guess that he recognized on some level (not necessarily consciously) that I was his woman, and I was working really hard to heal my stuff.

    I think if you can let go of most any preconceived ideas and just BE in each and every moment, you will feel better. No anticipation, no expectation.

    You said it though I will tweak the ending.

    “I know that, when the time comes, what is actually right for me ‘will show up'”


  433.  #434Vi on October 31, 2012 at 5:49 am

    I feel scared of my belief and feel amused by the feeling and kinda aww.. thank you Vi it fe
    els so good to feel connected with you!

  434.  #435Dominique on October 31, 2012 at 5:50 am

    Ulii – 385 – You have nothing to lose at this point. If you want to reach out, try it. “I feel badly about how things ended (played out, unraveled, or some other word or expression which fits). I miss you ad would love to see you (talk to you).”

    Do your best to not hold onto any expectations.


  435.  #436Vi on October 31, 2012 at 5:59 am

    And now I feel even unsure that I belive this belief.. hehe I feel bored to think about it 🙂 Yay!

  436.  #437Tam on October 31, 2012 at 6:19 am

    Feeling a little better, I wrote in my journal.
    Can’t stop thinking, work is slow as somehow a lot of stuff is tied in with phone lines etc going over new york where things are flooded sooooooo…nothing happening, dead lines etc.
    I wish I was super busy and didn’t have to think so much….well, I am moving later on so I will be busy.
    What a strange few weeks it’s been.
    I guess I looked forward to coming out here so much that I completely forgot the reality of life.
    I was in cloud cuckoo land, well at least I am no longer there.
    Reality does have something comforting about it, even if it is never as good as the illusion.

  437.  #438Mel on October 31, 2012 at 6:21 am


    I feel deep sympathy and a bit of kinetic energy building in my muscles… remembering the “stop—go” sensation I felt when my marriage ended.

    I felt a bit paralyzed by the grief of it. And I know it’s not really comparable to losing the one you love when their time comes too soon, but it was grief nonetheless.

    I just remember feeling as though my life had been paused. Everyone around me was moving at regular speed, but I was frozen in time… unable to move forward… stuck.

    One of the biggest losses for me was the perceived death of some of my dreams. Dreams I had of starting my own business in the country, wildflowers and dew and water running nearby. Dreams of children, of being a mother.

    It was only when I acknowledged these feelings of loss and honored them, that I realized that I could do all of these things on my own if I wanted. How I went about achieving them, minor details… a bit different, altered, but the true essence of the dreams were still all mine. Mine alone.

    I bought myself a little necklace, a symbol of my dreams as a reminder that I can still have all I have ever wanted. It might take me a bit longer, but I’ll get there someday.

    I am working toward my career dream slowly but surely. I now am blessed to have two wonderful children in my life, even if they never came from my physical body.

    I wonder if your grief around the house is telling you something. Something that you truly want for yourself. You can still have that dream, perhaps it just might look a little different.

    One day, you will be walking in the country and come across a beautiful little property. A chattery flock of birds will flutter across your path and roost in the nearby blossoming trees. You will smell the soft decay of fall leaves exposed by the melting snow of spring, and feel the warmth of the golden sun on your face. There is a beautiful little house with big windows overlooking the land and it’s vacant… for sale….all yours!

    I fan feel it almost… can you feel it? Can you envision it for yourself? You deserve it!

    Love to you! 🙂

  438.  #439MissStix on October 31, 2012 at 6:46 am


    Ahhh your words really resonated with me. Yes…My world was on pause after everything went down with my ex. Envisioning it now like one of those scenes in a movie, where I am standing still in the middle of a crowd and everything seems to be moving at fast forward around me. There I am in the shot standing totally still. Tears running down my face and no one noticed or knew. Just bustling about with their lives.

  439.  #440MissStix on October 31, 2012 at 6:48 am

    I still think of and feel you every day flowerchild. You occupy a little space in the upper right area of my chest and in the right side of the front of my mind. And when I think of you it is actually that picture of your son that materializes there in my brain. Love to you.

  440.  #441BAB on October 31, 2012 at 6:49 am

    I’m always making a conscious effort to set time oh mine away for my SO, but failing many times to do the same for myself, pushing it out to another day or another time.
    Im making a promise to myself to keep my dates with myself firm and enjoy me, he will be there when I get home and if he’s not, I had 5 years of time with just him. it will be ok!

  441.  #442Mel on October 31, 2012 at 6:51 am

    (((Miss Stix)))

    I have memories of sitting on a city bench outside a bookstore, waiting for my car-pool ride. Sunglasses on to hide the tears running down my face. People busily scurrying past, going about their business. Tightness in my chest, tears welling, sobbing now. Alone in a crowd of fast-moving people. Invisible in my sadness, but feeling powerless to get up and walk somewhere else.

  442.  #443MissStix on October 31, 2012 at 6:54 am

    I found a poem I wrote for my ex husband in my email. It was written about 8 years ago. I would have been 21. He was suffering from very severe panic disorder. Having several violent panic attacks every day. He refused medication and proceeded to spend a year overcoming the disorder on his own. It was a very tough year.

    I feel a little nervous. But I also feel desire to post it, and release it then delete it from my email. ((((that girl)))) ((((that boy))))

    I will sit with this feeling a minute before I post it.

  443.  #444BAB on October 31, 2012 at 6:54 am

    Ha having said thati feel like I’m not entirely ok with the statement ” and if he’s not, I had 5 years off time with him ” just reading that back makes my stomach feel tight and irritated.. 🙁 I feel afraid of being alone, and of loosing this love, even if this love is not all that. Think it should be I still feel in love. I hope Iam not fooling myself.

  444.  #445RiverGirl on October 31, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Thank you Mel for this post. You wrote it for Flowerchild but I feel so comforted reading it. I lost my Dad yesterday morning and I’m awake in the middle of the night with thoughts swirling in my head. I just logged on to read for a while…this was first thing I read.

  445.  #446Mel on October 31, 2012 at 7:03 am

    I recently learned that during this incredibly motionless dark period of my like, a certain someone, in an equally dark time in his life, spent his late afternoons inside the aforementioned bookstore as he waited for the bus. I wonder how many times we may have crossed paths, being too absorbed in our grief to notice one another?

  446.  #447BAB on October 31, 2012 at 7:04 am

    So am I Godess, the cold state! Lol yay winter…

  447.  #448BAB on October 31, 2012 at 7:07 am

    Mel- even tho it was a sad time for you and the other person, I love the idea of your last post. I’m not sure why I feel such a connection to it.

  448.  #449Mel on October 31, 2012 at 7:10 am

    He was also working on a project in the small town I lived in during the period of isolation I experienced before the marriage completely broke down. Again, I don’t remember ever seeing him, even though I went on daily walks and the town was tiny.

  449.  #450MissStix on October 31, 2012 at 7:11 am

    I changed my mind and just deleted it. It felt so private and so “long ago”…I feel cleansed.

  450.  #451Mel on October 31, 2012 at 7:11 am

    Everything happens in its time when we are ready for it.

  451.  #452Goddess Lily on October 31, 2012 at 7:11 am


    Are you on the siren fb?

  452.  #453MissStix on October 31, 2012 at 7:12 am

    I also feel a little sad. First love is so deep. I feel sad to know I will never feel that deeply for anyone again. I also feel relieved.

  453.  #454MissStix on October 31, 2012 at 7:18 am

    I am realizing how poignant that poem was. The title “A silent tear”. I tried so hard to be so strong with him. And 6 years later when it was all falling apart no one knew. My tears were so loud I swore they could be heard across the universe. Yet they were silent.

  454.  #455BAB on October 31, 2012 at 7:23 am

    Goddess- I didn’t know there was one? I’ll search it.

  455.  #456BAB on October 31, 2012 at 7:24 am

    Aww maybe that was pointless there’s a ton of siren pages:/ lol

  456.  #457Goddess Lily on October 31, 2012 at 7:29 am

    One of the sirens that created it has to add you. Since this blog is public and anyone including our men can read it, I prefer to attempt to remain anonymous here.

  457.  #458BAB on October 31, 2012 at 7:38 am

    Oh, oh well! No big deal:)

  458.  #459T-Girl on October 31, 2012 at 7:42 am

    ((((Rivergirl))), so sorry to hear about your dad.

  459.  #460MissStix on October 31, 2012 at 8:25 am

    The fb page is “secret” so it can’t be searched…

  460.  #461MissStix on October 31, 2012 at 8:29 am


    If you would like to be added I believe Butterfly Wings can do it 🙂

  461.  #462Goddess Lily on October 31, 2012 at 8:30 am

    I just used my first “what do you think?” with my ex and now Ifeel exposed. Not sure I’m ready for the answer.

  462.  #463Goddess Lily on October 31, 2012 at 8:37 am

    He said he thinks his brain and mouth were crossing lines and he doesn’t know what he was trying to say ….and he wishes had a better explanation. What am I supposed to do with that? Drop it?

  463.  #464Starla on October 31, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Well, my car wouldn’t start this morning. I’ve had it for 2 weeks! Eeek.

    I feel grateful that my family is okay, even though they lost everything

    I feel grateful that I even have the resources to get my car fixed.

    gratitude gratitude gratitude

  464.  #465Calypso on October 31, 2012 at 8:49 am

    Happy Halloween, Sirens!

    We dress up at work – I am a vampire today, with a long black wig, face mareup and fangs. I wore tight jeans, high heeled black boots and a long sexy sweater – First comment I got was that i look like Cher . . . Lol – I’m not sure she would be pleased, but i was!

  465.  #466LiliBee on October 31, 2012 at 9:09 am


  466.  #467BAB on October 31, 2012 at 9:12 am


  467.  #468Femininewoman on October 31, 2012 at 9:15 am

    I wish I could celebrate halloween with you. I just got power back last nite but no cable, Internet or phone. I am seeing a lot of uprooted trees on houses in the neighborhood. No school or work all week yet.

  468.  #469CurvySiren10 on October 31, 2012 at 9:16 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss Rivergirl. Hugs.

  469.  #470Femininewoman on October 31, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Have not heard from family in the Rockaways or Long Beach yet.

  470.  #471CurvySiren10 on October 31, 2012 at 9:20 am

    Wow FW…glad you are okay. But the devastation up there is really awful.

  471.  #472Femininewoman on October 31, 2012 at 9:20 am

    (((((((((((RiverGirl)))))))) hope you have loads of great memories of the good life he lived

  472.  #473Goddess Lily on October 31, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Do I say anything else to him? I feel perturbed.

  473.  #474April Rose on October 31, 2012 at 9:21 am


  474.  #475Calypso on October 31, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Love & Hugs to all the Sirens with Hurricane issues… So much loss and sadness for everyone involved up there. My area was not impoacted at all, but we are still recovering from massive destruction from tornados 2 years in a row. My family has been lucky.

  475.  #476Goddess Lily on October 31, 2012 at 9:22 am


  476.  #477Starla on October 31, 2012 at 9:23 am

    fw, my family is in long beach… it’s not good there. no electric, sewer, water, or cell service. where in long beach are they?

  477.  #478Heart on October 31, 2012 at 9:23 am

    Went to the hairdresser…feeling great about that….
    had a financial glitch….feeling worried about that…hoping to resolve it soon…
    Romanced myself tonight…I’ve decide to not just date myself but romance myself seeing that I cringed when I wrote I want romance to a guy. I ran my typical hot bath with oils and I lit some candles and sandlewood incense and I was like I had a mini vacation…and looked at the smoke & steam relaxed me….I felt so soothed & supple….for 15 mins…until I felt overheated and stiffled from the smoke…
    Going to pick wildflowers for myself at some point & play myself some music…

  478.  #479Femininewoman on October 31, 2012 at 9:31 am

    LoveAlways my heart feel swelled up with hope and faith after reading your comments

  479.  #480BAB on October 31, 2012 at 9:35 am

    Gonna take the baby into the foyer and sing like I don’t care who hears! Haven’t felt ok going this in forever!!

  480.  #481Femininewoman on October 31, 2012 at 9:50 am

    They are close to the beach

  481.  #482April Rose on October 31, 2012 at 9:51 am

    surfachica 424,

    Thank you for the link. Reading the blog there, about break-ups was really helpful.

    It says it is normal to feel lost and confused and to be searching for what is lost.

    (((((LoveAlways))))) I recommend it to you, too.

  482.  #483Luzydel on October 31, 2012 at 9:53 am

    There was no work today; Im from the east coast and lucky my area was not affected as much as the shore; besides a few trees down, but I am feeling low; need to get back to the routine. Got a flat and some neighbors help out to put the spare. I feel yucky, and bored.

    I am wonder if I am depressed, but I am very focused on other things such a s work, house etc. I just feel uninterested in socializing or people in general.
    I do not like people lately, and I want to be alone…

  483.  #484Starla on October 31, 2012 at 10:03 am

    481 fw, west or east end?

    I know long beach like the back of my hand. I spent my childhood there.

  484.  #485Tam on October 31, 2012 at 10:06 am

    FW!!! I had been wondering how you were!!!

    Oh crikey, I am back in my condo after a really mad morning….couldn’t be happier although the memories come back from lovely times….the past sneaks in again.

    And the girl that was in here was a young one, and clearly didn’t have any cleaning skills…she ruined the carpet and the toilet and bathtubs need a hammer really – but when I think of all the poor people up north I feel eternally grateful, especially as we had the brush here and I see some of my neigbours are still flooded too…I feel very lucky really!!
    Love to all those affected.

    Non more MrNap.

  485.  #486Starla on October 31, 2012 at 10:08 am

    fw, you may know this already, but all residents are evacuating/should have evacuated by now, until utilities are restored.

  486.  #487BAB on October 31, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Yay me i did much better today not needing to hear from my man to feel good, happy and like my day can start! I made my own day and mood today:)

  487.  #488Starla on October 31, 2012 at 10:13 am


    i know you don’t have fb but maybe u can see these posts

  488.  #489Calypso on October 31, 2012 at 10:26 am

    Drill Sgt CD is emailing me again. he is soooooo dang HOT! Have mercy!

    I just told him I like the way the sound of his voice makes me feel . . .

    I’m being such a COUGAR!!!

  489.  #490Starla on October 31, 2012 at 10:39 am

    fw, here is a google spreadsheet being managed by residents of missing folks

    locals are using that spreadsheet and searching for those people. you might want to get on that fb page.

    i think that’s all i got for now

  490.  #491Femininewoman on October 31, 2012 at 10:39 am

    I only have Internet while on the road. Gas lines are ludicrous. Just pulled out of one station with no gas signs. Yesterday the lines here were long all day n nite.

  491.  #492Dominique on October 31, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Oh my what a terrible mess it is out there. Apparently my car got flooded, but i feel thankful it still works.

    My dear friend in Seaside lost everything, the existence of her house still unknown. Please send her love.


  492.  #493Miss Bells on October 31, 2012 at 10:47 am

    ((((Rivergirl)))) so sorry for your loss…

  493.  #494BAB on October 31, 2012 at 10:48 am

    I feel very a noted right ow, had a moment where a welling or thought flooded me almost like a revelation about my situation and now it’s completely gone can’t remember what it was or even about grrrrr:/

  494.  #495BAB on October 31, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Dang ipad*

  495.  #496FlowerChild77 on October 31, 2012 at 11:18 am

    (((((Rivergirl))))) I’m so sorry. I lost my mother last year, as well. You will be in my thoughts and prayers <3

  496.  #497Daria on October 31, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Dang I feel numb about this hurricane shit. It really does sound awful, not like last time. If I’m in the East coast, I will make sure to fly / ride back west when I hear one is coming.

  497.  #498FlowerChild77 on October 31, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Mel…Thank you so much. I know there is a future, but it’s cloudy and hard to see right now.

    It’s very hard to imagine ever being able to have a little farmhouse and some land…something that took us, TOGETHER, all these years to nearly pay off. (And this was with him working at a union job for many of those years.)

    I know it will take time for me to have a more reasonable and positive view of my life. You’re right. It is the loss of our dreams that I grieve and miss. Very, very much.

    I am physically tired from going through this. I feel good for awhile and then I have one of those dreams and it seems like all my progress disappears. Some days I feel like I just can’t go on anymore.

    I still do not want to take anti-depressants, although the thought is very tempting sometimes.

    Again, thank you. I wouldn’t be able to survive without you all <3 I do feel better today than I did yesterday…

  498.  #499Iamabutterfly on October 31, 2012 at 11:42 am

    Does anyone else have to deal with a sea of Married Friends? Does anyone feel pressure to pair up because of these married friends?

    Last night I was at an event and the one other single person in our “married friend group” was there, and I felt so lopsided and awkward because I was carrying things and I felt hot in some places and cold in others.

    I felt pressure from him? me? the married people there? that I need to get with this guy. but he hasn’t asked me out.

    we’ve always been “just friends.” It’s been my choice. He’s done a lot of sweet things for me, and asked me to do things with him, and introduced me to his friends, but I just don’t feel a dang thing. I think if I was going to feel something I would after like seven years or something. Please don’t judge me. I feel scared I’m going to be judged and told that “why don’t you like a man who treats you well?”

    I feel like I’m waiting for that “in love” feeling. I’ve only felt it once, for a long time with one person and then again, briefly.

    I feel like Emily Maynard.

    Who is chasing a feeling, rather than a relationship with a real, flawed person.

    No one is ever going to be a good enough father for Ricki and no one is ever going to make her feel like Ricky Hendrix did, because she’s never going to be that young again, have all those new experiences with someone again.

    It’s like, exactly how I feel.

    I’ll never be that young, needy, hopeful, or dependent again and for some reason, it breaks my heart.

    Like I’ll never feel that deep awe, respect, and attraction for a man again.

    Because no one measures up to him or that feeling he gave me or the way it all slowly unfolded until I messed it all up with my fear and freezing up.

    I feel angry and sad!

    Why, when I finally find someone who makes me feel all that awe and respect and joy and fear, why does he always have to get a girlfriend and then look at me like he feels guilty or something?

    this is a pattern. I HATE this pattern.

    I don’t know how to get out of this pattern.

  499.  #500Mercedes on October 31, 2012 at 11:47 am

    I’m so sorry for everyone affected by the hurricane. 🙁 Relief that many are okay but heartbreaking all the same. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

    Much Love,

  500.  #501FlowerChild77 on October 31, 2012 at 11:47 am

    iamabutterfly…I can relate to how you feel…that you’ll never find anyone you feel the same about and who loves you the same. ((Hugs))

    I know it’s not “true” but it feels real. I try to ask myself ‘the work’ (BK) questions…Is it true? How can I know that it’s true? The answers depend on what day it is and how I feel. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time.

  501.  #502FlowerChild77 on October 31, 2012 at 11:49 am

    And yes…it is hard because nearly all of our friends are ‘couples’ and I can’t be around them right now. It hurts too much. I understand.

  502.  #503BAB on October 31, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    I wanna send my man a txt so bad right now, but I don’t want to perpetchuate the neediness I feel attached to him texting me back. If I txt him and he doesn’t answer I check my phone a million times to see if I missed him. If he does txt me I feel the need to txt back immodestly so i can speak with him and then when he doesn’t txt back I feel hurt or forgotten. Even tho I know every well how busy he gets at work.. I wish I had something I could do at work to fill me up and take the focus off him??

  503.  #504BAB on October 31, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Sending my thoughts to everyone affected by the storm, I can’t imagine:(

  504.  #505Iamabutterfly on October 31, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    (((((FlowerChild77))))) – thanks so much!!! I feel heard and supported and empathized with and NOT crazy and it feels sooooo great, you have no idea!!!

  505.  #506Starla on October 31, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    BAB, what if you sent a text, and then challenged yourself not to check it for 20 minutes longer than it usually takes him to respond?

    i’ve been in your shoes, and i found that resisting the urge to text was almost as bad as pining for a response when i did text, vibe wise. I think maybe the better baby step could be to send the text, and then work on the needy expectation part.

    just some thoughts:)

  506.  #507BAB on October 31, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    Starla-Thank you for the idea, I may try it! It is very hard, I remember doing this even when we first started dating 5 yrs ago, I wonder if I should not txt at all because of how deep this runs. And I feel in my heart the only reason I want to send him a sweet nothing is to show him I’m thinking about him and loving him ( because Iam feeling uncomfortable with all the female friends he’s showing his halloween costume to today) silly me I know, but that’s the truth..

  507.  #508BAB on October 31, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    Focus BAB focus! I’m buying myself some flowers on my way home from work:) that will feel great!

  508.  #509Tereana on October 31, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    Heart – I just read your #17. I know exactly how you feel!

  509.  #510maxine on October 31, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Smile and Annie..
    Thank u both 🙂 I feel really comforted reading both your wisdom..
    “you don’t have to go anywhere” resonated through my body and heart all day at work..I feel like you gave me a gift thank you sooo much
    I know they are simple words but when someone sees your life clearly..maybe more clearly than you can in that moment it just feels releasing
    I feel released for tonight and in the face of all this awfulness I gave my girls the same lovely Halloween they get each year
    I feel gratitude for me for being so ‘grown up’ and caring
    I feel grateful for this blog and Sirens on it..its my lifeline right now
    I feel grateful and a little shameful that my issues are small in comparison with the devastation some of you Sirens in the States are in the middle of or touched by right now..mother nature finds a way to put things into perspective..

    oh and like magic..I wished in my post this morning for a ‘man to sweep me off my feet’ well..enter into my life Dubai CD…
    thats right…HE LIVES IN DUBAI..but comes to England often.. near yet so far..he’s shown up around me at work a few times and last time we sat in this seminar together he kept leaning into me and touching my arm when he spoke to my work friend told me he’d been asking about me..yay!
    weird thing is he’s NOT my type AT ALL..but my recent ex and soulmate was all I wanted in a guy and I decided today that maybe it’s time to just be open to all varieties lol!
    But seriously..I am feeling attracted to guys who look opposite to ex..and I think its making the idea and transition of CDing feel more…I don’t baby steps

  510.  #511BAB on October 31, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    Txted him a normal happy txt, about my excitement for a movie that’s oming out. Got a woot!!!! In response. Feeling disappointed and blah.. Haha at the same time joyful like seeee you didn’t really need to hear from him, even tho my heart skipped a beat when the phone went off. Humm

  511.  #512Daria on October 31, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    I had a cool insight w my neighbor guy friend cd that he’s like I don’t really dig sunsets , I like the after part

    And I’m like me too! I always felt guilty and a bit left out and icky sad for not getting into subsets and forgetting all about them

    I Love the sun at high noon times and I love dusk and night

    And morning once the sun is firmly up

    I feel happy when I see the outside at those times

  512.  #513Daria on October 31, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    I feel a ‘quickening’ at dusk

  513.  #514Iamabutterfly on October 31, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    IamaLlama. I spit.

  514.  #515FlowerChild77 on October 31, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    You’re welcome, iamabutterfly <3

  515.  #516Goddess Lily on October 31, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    I feel short of breath. Anxious. Uncertain. My sister has offered to help me get another job. There’s nothing wrong with my current job except that it is stagnant and at what I consider to be a red headed step child sinking ship of an organization. I feel this way because I would have to relocate, rent my house, make new friends although I don’t really have that many here anyway and learn a job and prove myself based on my sister’s recommendation. She would be staking her reputation on my performance. And I feel terrified. I feel scared of the location even. It would be in the DC/VA area. I’m ultra suburban and not like DC is a city city but it’s a different culture and mindset that I’m used to. And then what if I hate the job? This is a one time deal, I won’t be able to turn back and I will be in an extremely high cost of living area. And all this worry could be for nothing. My sister may not be able to come through. And then I will really feel stuck but also relieved. However when my sister wants something to happen, it always does. Even if she makes a “stupid” decision, things turn out fantastic. She is extremely blessed. I’ve had more my mother’s luck in life, not my sister’s. Maybe her blessings can rub off on me. Still terrified though.

  516.  #517Goddess Lily on October 31, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Worrying is my mother’s way. Thinking the worst will happen is her way. I want to be different. I want to choose the best possible outcome. What are the positive things if I can get this phantom job (because I really don’t even know what I