Is My Partner Cheating on Me? 7 Red Flags

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Here’s a great guest post from Dr. Sheri Meyers, my Monthly Interview for September – She’s all about how to prevent and deal with “cheating” – and she’s so hip to social media and how that makes things hard – you’re going to love this and want to read more from her:
by Dr. Sheri Meyers

There’s something a little “off” in the way your partner has been acting lately. You’re starting to wonder if they’re cheating on you.

There are some clues, but you’re not sure if they mean what you suspect they mean.

They’re spending less time at home, have become a sudden workaholic, are taking their phone calls in private or aren’t sharing as much about their day with you as they used to.

When you question them about why they’re being so secretive and distant, they snap back at you, usually with a logical explanation. “I’ve got a special project at work.

Or they accuse you of snooping, being paranoid or not trusting enough. They make you feel guilty for even bringing it up.

When your partner is having a cyber, emotional or sexual affair, sometimes the most subtle clues can be big red flags that signal a destructive secret is hiding underneath the surface.

While it may be obvious from some of their behavior that they’re hiding something, some changes aren’t so obvious. Perhaps they give you an odd glance or there’s something cold in their eyes that doesn’t quite feel right to you. When you ask what’s wrong, you may get a shrug or a defensive, “Nothing! Get off my back already.”

You may start to wonder if you’re going crazy or just being paranoid for no reason.

Here’s what I know from my professional experience as a relationship therapist: If you’re suspecting that your partner may be hiding something, if a sinking feeling in your gut is telling you “something’s off,” then it’s absolutely time to pay attention. Your intuition is sounding an alarm.

Here’s a quick checklist of cheating red flags from my book, Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship that can help you determine if the subtle (or not-so-subtle) shifts in your partner’s behavior may be signs that they’re cheating:

Red Flag #1 They’re suddenly more aloof, withdrawn or want more “space.”
Overall, you’re noticing less intimacy, sharing, talking and self-disclosures going on. Your partner may seem zoned out, lost in thought or less available to you.

They talk in terms of “me” or “I” instead of “we” or “us,” as in “The next time I go on vacation, I want to go to Hawaii.” And when you lay your concerns on the table, your partner calls you jealous or says you’re imagining things. They might even say you’re “smothering them.”

Red Flag #2 They’ve lost interest in you, your problems and sex. When you bring up a problem, your partner tells you it’s no big deal or tells you that their problems are worse.

They’re not as emotionally supportive.

Even when they’re home, you feel a lonely void between you, like there’s no one with whom to share your thoughts or feelings.

There’s less affection and passion. When you suggest making time to connect you get back “Not now babe” or “Maybe later.

Even if you are still having regular sex, it may seem like they’re performing a chore rather than making love.

Red Flag #3 They get easily annoyed, defensive or argumentative. When an affair (be it cyber, emotional or physical) has begun, the cheater may want to sugar-coat their guilt and justify the affair. Making you the bad guy helps them feel better.

That’s why a cheating partner may try to find ways to blame you for their indiscretions. They start fights, pick on you, push every button you’ve got and may even accuse you of cheating. Cheaters are good at transferring the guilt onto you — don’t buy into it.

Red Flag #4 They’re not immediately available when you call, text or email them. Your partner is spending more and more time away from you, and they’re more difficult to reach. When you try calling on their cell phone, you get voicemail.

When you ask why they didn’t call or text you back, the answer is, “The battery died and I couldn’t use my phone.” There are endless excuses about work or other things that limit their availability for making plans with you.

Red Flag #5 They’re spending more time online or on their cell phone than with you.

If the amount of time they’re spending talking to, texting, emailing or messaging someone else is strongly impacting your time together, there is a problem brewing.

Red Flag #6 They’re acting secretive all of a sudden, especially around the computer or cell phone. Your partner has Facebook, email and social media accounts that you don’t have access to.

When you ask about their online friendships, you get short, sharp, evasive or defensive responses back. Your partner receives regular texts, emails or sexy photos from a “friend” you weren’t aware of.

Suddenly, they’re conducting mysterious calls in the other room and when you ask who called, the answer is… “No one.” “Wrong number.” “It’s business.” or “Why do you ask?”

Red Flag #7 They look, smell, and dress better, but not necessarily around you. They’ve suddenly started working out. They might have a change of clothes in the car or in a sports bag that aren’t gym clothes.

Your partner may leave the house smelling like soap and come back smelling like perfume or cologne. They may be buying new clothes or lingerie, but not wearing them for you. Someone else may be reaping the benefits of your partner’s newfound interest in looking spiffy.

Let’s face it, any of these red flags are indicators of behaviors that are suspicious and should arouse your doubts. Even if your partner is not cheating, but is keeping secrets, withdrawing, lying, being hurtful or withholding important communication of any kind, it’s clearly time to heed the red flags, take your blinders off and press on to know the truth.

Ignoring the clues won’t help the situation because denial just harbors more deceit, mistrust and greater distance between you.

Cheating happens for a variety of reasons and it usually means there’s something missing in the relationship. When you both honestly address the underlying problems and relationship vulnerabilities that may have lead to cheating, healing can begin.

With truth comes the chance to improve the current condition of your relationship. I’ve counseled numerous couples who have transformed the discovery of an affair into an opportunity to wake up, clear up the wounds of the past and learn new lessons for the future. Love and connection can be resurrected and a healthier relationship rebuilt.

There is hope.
Sheri Meyers, Psy.D is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Los Angeles, CA, and author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship.

Connect with Dr. Sheri Online:

Twitter

Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/Dr.SheriAnnMeyers

Website
www.chattingorcheating.com

1 Comments

  1.  #1CurvySiren10 on September 6, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Hmm…



  2.  #2Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 7:37 am

    Eep



  3.  #3Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 7:39 am

    I have seen a similar article about red flags



  4.  #4forest siren on September 6, 2012 at 7:45 am

    I feel scared! My short term memory is screwed! After I posted that I had searched for the music posts and asked for them to be reposted i went and saw thati had already copied and pasted them to my notes folder. Ugh I have no recollection of doing this. Oh dear!



  5.  #5Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 7:56 am

    (((((((((Forest siren)))))))



  6.  #6forest siren on September 6, 2012 at 8:11 am

    Thank you FW!



  7.  #7Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 8:23 am

    FW,

    How did Lilibee’s story plan out? with D? You mean what? I feel confused, I only remember about β€˜neighbor lady’…



  8.  #8Daria on September 6, 2012 at 8:27 am

    feeling triggered… everything feels stormy and moving fast around me and i feel overwhelmed and sad

    mmm



  9.  #9Daria on September 6, 2012 at 8:30 am

    but EARLIER i felt so powerful and affirmed

    and i was able to walk receiving freom whats coming twoards me with my palms open forwards … at first it didnt feel natural but then as i imagined rori saying palms open to receive whats coming towards you it just happend

    and men were looking at me!

    and i quickly glanced away and then felt disappointed at me and then SWITCHED to teelling myself how GOOD im getting at receiving eye contact

    and then men started really looking at me and i felt so open and HAPPY

    and this guy was way smiling and looking at me as i was coming up i felt full of oxytocin and so happy



  10.  #10Daria on September 6, 2012 at 8:31 am

    im starting to feel that way again! πŸ™‚



  11.  #11MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 8:36 am

    Oh yes…

    All but one of these red flags occured with my ex. He never put it on me…But everything else. Yes. I was very in tune and I knew almost immediately.

    At first he did not admit to cheating…He just flat out told me he was no longer in love with me. But I caught him a week later, passed out in bed with his d1ck out of his pants and his phone on his chest…So I read the texts.

    And we won’t get into that right now :p



  12.  #12MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Actually…It was really bad! I laugh about it now…I woke him up by throwing the phone at his head! omg :S

    Then I said “I’m calling my brother” (it was my bros gf) and I swear he looked like he was facing the electric chair!



  13.  #13Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Miss Stix I feel sorry to admit it but I find that story hilariously funny. Passed out with his di!ck out.



  14.  #14April Rose on September 6, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Wow, Miss Stix!

    High drama!

    Not very nice tho’. ((((((((Miss Stix))))))))



  15.  #15Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 8:43 am

    He has been spending a lot of time on his phone… I HATE HIM.



  16.  #16April Rose on September 6, 2012 at 8:45 am

    Did you call your brother?

    What happened?



  17.  #17Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 8:46 am

    Miss Stix maybe I would’ve thrown something that would’ve scarred him for life.



  18.  #18April Rose on September 6, 2012 at 8:47 am

    I have bought a gorgeous linen summer dress in the sale. I notice my desire to put it away ‘for best’.

    Aw, come on, April Rose. Why not wear it tomorrow and go somewhere where you can be seen?



  19.  #19MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 8:48 am

    AR-No doubt!! I actually didn’t call my brother. I locked myself in the bathroom to do it but ended up just collapsing on the floor and crying.

    FW- No worries! I laugh now too even though it was pretty raw. The universe pretty much slapped me in the face with whatever lesson it had for me!



  20.  #20MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 8:52 am

    April Rose

    In the end…My bro already knew about it. Ex told girly he told me and she webt on damage control by admitting it to him. He already knew ex told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore. Bro has since told me he wanted me to work it all out on my own. He was also fairly hurt by it. Although that girl had already moved back home about 2 weeks prior. So…He had pretty much already let her go.



  21.  #21Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 8:54 am

    It tells me if there is a person willing to cheat, there is someone willing to participate. I think twice now about going down that path. Don’t want it to come back and bite me in the butt!



  22.  #22Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 8:55 am

    I feel really triggered by this post. I feel sick to my stomach.



  23.  #23April Rose on September 6, 2012 at 8:56 am

    Going into the sunshine now….

    See you lovely ladies soon.



  24.  #24Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 8:58 am

    I apologize Sirens… I just feel so angry and upset right now. Of course, it could be nothing, but I hate this feeling. I am so not ready to see him again and i don’t know if I would even answer the phone.



  25.  #25Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 8:59 am

    I barely recognize myself right now.



  26.  #26Rebecca on September 6, 2012 at 9:07 am

    MissStix

    Regarding what you said about Aspergersin the last thread. You may be right….



  27.  #27MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 9:07 am

    FW 21

    You got that right! There will always be somebody willing. The willing party in my situation was even at my wedding. They probably fooled around before. The “high drama” (as april called it) Took place just 2 months after the wedding.

    Hmmm it actually feels good that I can re-hash this without any pain at all. I do not know how I survived it sirens, to be totally honest. I thought of taking my life just once. But something spoke to me and said “No. There is so much more for you.” so I didn’t.

    I tried to kick him out many times but he would not leave. So I spent 2 very dark years with him. Pretending to the outside world I was a happy new wife.

    Holy sh1t. Rough. How did I do that?



  28.  #28MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 9:15 am

    Rebecca

    One of my cousins has it and the way you describe him as a bit “baffoonish” really rang a bell.



  29.  #29Daria on September 6, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Im really feeling receptive today… m,mmmm, mm… mmm

    yeah ay ahay

    i am imagining making songs that are fly and that the lyrics are energy healing

    like

    a part of my being already knows

    i no longer need to believe the world doesnt love me

    ohh oohh oohhh

    and that part of my beeeingggg

    is informing all of me now

    wooo hooo hooo

    πŸ™‚

    yay

    ((((((((((((Daria)))))))))))))



  30.  #30MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 9:20 am

    πŸ˜€ Daria πŸ˜€



  31.  #31Starla on September 6, 2012 at 9:26 am

    ummm nope sorry
    cheating doesn’t exist lol

    i dunno, i still just can’t “accept” that cheating exists. feels like unicorns and easter bunnies to me.



  32.  #32MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 9:27 am

    I hear crickets…

    Thoughts:My story is too much. I scared everyone away. No, you didn’t stix! Don’t be so full of yourself *nervous giggle* people are just busy living life.

    I want to get busy! Be in the fresh air. It’s 0930. Time to boogy! Gonna go water the flowers. I love helping things grow πŸ™‚



  33.  #33MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Starla

    It exists.



  34.  #34Starla on September 6, 2012 at 9:36 am

    33 – meh



  35.  #35Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Miss Stix have you ever checked back to see if you had any gut feeling about it before the wedding?



  36.  #36Emerson on September 6, 2012 at 9:48 am

    31 Starla I was exactly like this well into my 20s I just didn’t imagine it as a reality for me but then it smacked me upside the head.
    People (men) in my family that I NEVER imagined would cheat…omg…. πŸ™
    I like your attitude though. I miss feeling that way. I don’t want to believe it either.



  37.  #37Emerson on September 6, 2012 at 9:49 am

    35 hi fw
    Interesting question….



  38.  #38Emerson on September 6, 2012 at 9:51 am

    This man in my family that cheated was the biggest goody goody perfect religious person ever…..
    I always felt a bit self conscious around his sanctity ans I felt I could never live up to his expectations or level of purity and then BAM he’s actually Tiger Woods part two



  39.  #39Emerson on September 6, 2012 at 9:54 am

    I mean this guy had so many women …. The other women found out ….and they were mad they weren’t the only other woman…

    Before all the $#it hot the fan…one even went to his house and had dinner with him and his wife and kids and the wife had no idea (she’s very sheltered)



  40.  #40Emerson on September 6, 2012 at 9:56 am

    I mean the poor wife cooked dinner and the whole bit for this other woman entertaining her as a guest and coworker of her husband…totally in the dark that there was an affair going on.
    Jeeeez



  41.  #41Emerson on September 6, 2012 at 9:57 am

    I hate this topic. I don’t want to “affair proof” my marriage.
    I feel hopeless even tho at the end she says there is hope..



  42.  #42Emerson on September 6, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Maybe I’ll come back to the blog when the next article comes out. I’m feeling triggered and dark and I don’t want to feel sad



  43.  #43Emerson on September 6, 2012 at 10:00 am

    There is one easy way to know if he’s cheating and thanks spying on him with a private investigator and skip all these other steps



  44.  #44bloom-ing on September 6, 2012 at 10:01 am

    ((((((((((Emerson)))))))))))



  45.  #45Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 10:08 am

    (((((((Emerson)))))))))



  46.  #46Starla on September 6, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Note to self (i’ve made this note before): don’t marry a guy who consciously and willingly represses himself into extreme conservatism.



  47.  #47ALA on September 6, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Hello Sirens~

    Been feeling emotional and sad for my daughter. Her husband of four years cheated on her this summer while she was away in a different city going to school. Its so difficult to see my baby being so hurt, in the most cruelest of ways.

    Interesting to see how this is bringing up unresolved issues between us. I feel she’s pushing me away when I want the most to be there for her. When I mentioned Rori she got so angry at me, saying “I dont have crazy relationships like you, mom.” Ouch, that hurts. Funny how we sometimes can see so clearly someone elses’s part but not our own. I’m still trying to figure out mine… sigh.



  48.  #48Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 10:15 am

    (((((((((((ALA))))))))))))))))



  49.  #49bloom-ing on September 6, 2012 at 10:16 am

    (((((((((ALA))))))))))



  50.  #50Smile on September 6, 2012 at 10:24 am

    So I thought what can I do for myself to continue to feel great… I know I’ll take I lovely walk in the sun after work and get of the DVD happy thank you more please.
    Got all the way there to see it shut at 1pm on a thursday. Felt disappointed. Enjoyed the sun but I’m just going to find another film for tonight and try get it at the weekend.

    I love the sun so much when it shines! It makes me feel lit up! Now to have some nice food and feel relaxed.

    Happy with myself that my no expectations has continued after the kiss yesterday. Feels great to let go of control.
    This has not been an easy journey!



  51.  #51ALA on September 6, 2012 at 10:24 am

    awww… Thank you, hugs feel nice. πŸ™‚

    This is a sad topic. I want it to change too ((( Emerson )))



  52.  #52Smile on September 6, 2012 at 10:25 am

    So I won’t be able to buy a house if I’m buying alone but that’s okay, I’ll just get an apartment with a balcony! That feels like a good switch in my head!



  53.  #53Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 10:26 am

    Ok… Maybe I am overthinking and imagining things that are not there. I really need to refocus and recenter on me.



  54.  #54Rebecca on September 6, 2012 at 10:28 am

    MissSticks

    Yes. He is so nice really. And generally I find his way endearing and cute. But lately I am just feeling trapped.

    He is a very sweet man. Funny, interesting. Just a bit too much and v difficult to say no too.



  55.  #55Smile on September 6, 2012 at 10:29 am

    Siren angel he may just be playing tetrus on his phone… πŸ™‚



  56.  #56Emerson on September 6, 2012 at 10:30 am

    46 or extreme anything not just conservative



  57.  #57Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Smile, thank you.



  58.  #58ruth on September 6, 2012 at 10:34 am

    evening

    I am not so enamoured of this topic either

    SA, what can you do thats nice for you tonight
    xxxxxxxx



  59.  #59Daria on September 6, 2012 at 10:36 am

    it feels better to think of it as a growing apart… an emotional disconnect



  60.  #60Starla on September 6, 2012 at 10:36 am

    I dyed my hair a dark red.

    i wanted it more dark brown with a bit of red

    but oh well:D



  61.  #61Senara on September 6, 2012 at 10:37 am

    Well, so much for my day off. I am at work now, had to replace my boss whose father-in-law just passed away.

    This screws up my whole routine but I guess I’m going to roll with it since there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.

    Adapt and overcome.



  62.  #62Smile on September 6, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Hi senara, how do you feel about this? 



  63.  #63Smile on September 6, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Oo Starla, that feels a lovely warm colour! 



  64.  #64Daria on September 6, 2012 at 10:44 am

    im feeling excited abt moving T-tapp style after chatting with these men on Skype πŸ™‚ yeaahh yeahhyeay



  65.  #65MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 10:46 am

    FW

    I had some definite gut feelings before the wedding. There was so much going on, and a lot going on with me. I gave up a lot of what I wanted to please others. It is just all so swirled together that I don’t think I could detangle the whole mess of pre-wedding feelings to clarify. It would be nice if I could. I think that’s why I struggle so much with coming to terms with not wanting to get married again. I think sometimes if I could detangle it all and separate specific feelings to gain my own clarity…I would have all my answers.



  66.  #66MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 10:48 am

    But for now…I am content. I have released it all. If clarity comes to me I welcome it with an open heart. If it does not I will continue to live moment by moment.



  67.  #67Senara on September 6, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Smile,

    A bit p*ssed because I had some cooking to do for the weekend but since I have no control over this, I’ll just be the good employee that I am and mind the fort! πŸ™‚



  68.  #68Senara on September 6, 2012 at 10:52 am

    I was cheated on once a long ago but I don’t think I have to worry about that now.

    I hope.



  69.  #69MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 10:55 am

    Senara

    I chose trust and faith. I believe as long as we live for ourselves and love ourselves we don’t have to worry about it because we will always be ok, even if the worst does happen.



  70.  #70bloom-ing on September 6, 2012 at 10:57 am

    i feel so confused about the “cheating”…. i like what Daria is saying, that it feels better to look at it as “growing” & in “separate” directions…. i feel so sad to think a man or woman would Rely on outward-looking to achieve “satisfaction” in Relationship… i feel puzzled about it & scared….. & very curious



  71.  #71ruth on September 6, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Love your vibe Miss Stix



  72.  #72Senara on September 6, 2012 at 11:00 am

    MissStix,

    Yes, I’ve pretty much changed my whole vibe and what you just wrote is what I’m going for now.

    I don’t wish for the worse to happen (since there is no guarantee in life) but if it does, I am sure I would be sad but ready to tackle whatever challenge that would arise.



  73.  #73Rebecca on September 6, 2012 at 11:03 am

    Ohhhh group hug everone (((((sirens))))



  74.  #74MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 11:04 am

    I believe where it becomes “cheating” is when the “growing” is concealed from a person. It becomes the one person growing, in a separate direction, but holding the other person under their thumb, and stunting their growth. They are cheating someone out of the opportunity to extend themself and walk their own path.



  75.  #75bloom-ing on September 6, 2012 at 11:10 am

    aww ick. i feel so curious “why” & also “how” & i’m trying to just sit with myself. why does this bring me all apart.



  76.  #76Emerson on September 6, 2012 at 11:11 am

    I’ve been cheated on and my boyfriend was fu&@ing one of my best friends (in my 20s)
    Then he felt guilty and told me all about it. I could care less about either of them now, but these things were not processed well by me back then and I started drinking a LOT and wrote people off and found a new guy to f$(k but remained detached from him like who cares?? Very immature but that’s how I coped. I was on my own with no family nearby so I didnt have guidance…



  77.  #77Daria on September 6, 2012 at 11:14 am

    hmm



  78.  #78MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 11:18 am

    My story is overwhelming me today. It feels like a giant bubble ballooning in my chest and I must exhaaaaaaaale to de-pressurize it. Surrounding it are smaller floaty bubbles filled with everyone elses stories and tethered to my own.

    Like we are all connected. Floating stories linking us all in pain and joy.



  79.  #79Senara on September 6, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Someone can also cheat on their partner because they (the partner) takes them for granted. I’ve seen that happen once.



  80.  #80Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 11:21 am

    One way of looking at this that’s very understanding of men is to see him as one in PAIN. And you relieve his pain (so long as we know that we know that he isn’t just using you as someone on the side while totally committed to and in love with his wife too.) This approach would be reminiscent (if we flip the genders on their end) of the film, The Bridges of Madison County – where a woman (instead of a man) is able to take a slice of life in the arms of another man, something she desperately needed in her “dead” marriage. When Clint Eastwood goes, so does her affair. But she has the memories, and for whatever reason, she never does leave her less-than-right for her husband.

    Maybe your guy is in this situation in reverse – playing the part of Meryl Streep. And maybe it’s all just meant to be a nice memory.

    A second way to look at it, and more stern, no less correct, is to say that he, or both of you, or he, you and his wife are all “using” the son as an EXCUSE to have it all and not have to make any hard choices. Adults can get out of marriages and still be good parents to their children. And no, they CAN leave their situations rapidly if the opportunity will be missed should they delay.

    But as time lingers on and they don’t act, both lovers can fall into habit, and realize that because the married lover does NOT leave his wife, it says something about how bought into you he is. Not a full 100%. The son then is an excuse to “keep the peace” or to stay in “homeostasis” – balance in life, even if tricky to get right.

    http://www.womenshappiness.com/questions-and-answers/the-married-man-wont-quit-yet?utm_source=getresponse&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=womenshappiness&utm_content=Q+and+A+%7C+%22The+Married+Man+Won%27t+Quit…Yet.%22



  81.  #81Tam on September 6, 2012 at 11:22 am

    I have a problem thinking I am not enough for very attractive men. I once had a very attractive (model type) boyfriend in my early 20’s, he worked on me for 6 months before I would go out with him, because I just could not see myself next to him…girls were always running after him.
    I had such low self esteem, and finally agreed to go out with him..because he had a lovely character and we had lots of shared passions, like our profession, nature etc. The relationship was great..until my insecurities took over when we were not ‘joint at the hip’ aanymore as he went to another city to study for his PhD. I was imagining all these girls throwing themselves at him…and I was getting clingy with my communication…every night I did not hear from him I suspected he was cheating on me.
    In the end it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, and yes, he cheated on me (I gathered). I found out.
    We split up and I was badly hurt.
    He went on to marry this girl within a year and quickly had a family with her.
    I never spoke to him again.
    He was not for me, but he just re-affirmed my beliefs about very attractive men.
    I find it hard to trust them because they have a lot of options. It is the biggest reason why I never trusted MrP.
    I know it is my self esteem talking, but I would rather have a guy who was less attractive and who worshipped me than a guy who was really attractive and knows he has plenty of other options.



  82.  #82MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 11:26 am

    This is it…

    This is my clarity. I don’t believe in signing a contract to say “we will spend the rest of our life together. We have to now.” Because we don’t. We don’t have to. We can grow apart or collide and fly apart and that’s ok. What is this contract anyway? Is it an expression of love? Not always. Sometimes it is just the right thing at the time. Sometimes it’s just a thing that someone wants. An event. A big grand opportunity to show off. Maybe it’s a need. To feel “cemented”. Or maybe it really is an expression of sharing love. What it comes down to, for me, is I don’t need any of that anymore.

    These moments with G, or the guys I dated, or my ex



  83.  #83MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 11:27 am

    …or my ex. The happy moments of love are all I need now to feel cemented, or express my love.



  84.  #84Starla on September 6, 2012 at 11:27 am

    i like the contract:)
    I will choose very wisely

    I won’t try to persuade a man to sign it, either. He will have to persuade me, and that’s that.



  85.  #85MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 11:30 am

    But if G asked me to marry him today I would say “Yes!”. Because I could spend my life with him. I could do that. If it did not last, that’s ok too. I would do it all over again because it’s worth it to say “I am here, and I believe in us.”

    Oh wow. Tears πŸ™‚



  86.  #86Senara on September 6, 2012 at 11:35 am

    I have no intention of cheating on my man, that I’m sure of.



  87.  #87Senara on September 6, 2012 at 11:36 am

    MissStix,

    Me too. We have agreed that marriage was not on the table but if he came to me with a wedding proposal, I would say yes.



  88.  #88Dominique on September 6, 2012 at 11:36 am

    From last thread –

    Perplexed – 487 – Keep on with your full life. Keep on CDing even if this means simply dating yourself. Keep your heart open to any and all, warm and inviting.

    He will come around and step up, or he won’t.

    That he lied to you is a reddish flag, something to keep in mind if you continue to see him. If this turns out to be a pattern, then I would question if this is someone you really want as a partner.

    xxoo



  89.  #89Dominique on September 6, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Another –

    Babysteps – 468 – Senara – 530 – Expectations set you up for disappointment nearly every time PLUS when you have your mind set on something, you will more than likely miss whatever is there, and it could be something really wonderful. maybe better than your expectation.

    You need to be open to it all; practice surprise and awe in all moments.

    It actually gets easier within a relationship because you first of all become closer and come to know each SO well, you know what would make the other feel good.

    Plus when you can live your life in this way, you fall into a flow. Whatever flows through is fabulous, for it either feels great or it doesn’t, but if it’s the latter, you get to learn something, so it’s still wonderful.

    xxoo



  90.  #90Dominique on September 6, 2012 at 11:37 am

    And a third –

    Senara – There is no there to get to. We are all on our paths going in the directions which seem to work best for us. We all falter, make mistakes. So we get up, dust ourselves off, clean up the booboos if necessary, and carry on. Healing is a lifelong process.

    You are as much a part of this group as anyone. You are welcomed, and you are loved.

    Can you keep yourself open to it?



  91.  #91Senara on September 6, 2012 at 11:43 am

    Dominique,

    Yes, I think I can do that. I just want to be accepted by anyone so much. I want people to like me and enjoy interacting with me.

    For so long, I stood outside of the spotlight, letting everybody take the space I was supposed to have. Now I want to step into the spotlight and let everybody see me as I am.



  92.  #92Dominique on September 6, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Emerson – 41 – You don’t have to affair proof your relationship. Cheating on K’s part (or mine for that matter) just doesn’t compute in my consciousness.

    Basically, a happy man WON’T cheat.

    It’s not up to you to make him happy. It’s up to you to make YOU happy. And if he’s for you, he will happily get on board.

    He feels happy seeing you feeling happy, content. And if has had a hand in this, SO much the better, Makes for a happier him. i.e. cheating will not be a consideration, not an inkling.

    xxoo



  93.  #93Iamabutterfly on September 6, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Who doesn’t feel triggered by a post about cheating?

    I feel angry and sad that cheating is an “option.”

    You might feel tempted to cheat, but you would never want someone else to cheat on you.

    Unless you wanted a way out or something, but that’s a unique circumstance, and even then, I feel sick about it…



  94.  #94Iamabutterfly on September 6, 2012 at 11:48 am

    In other news, I did something that makes me feel really happy. There’s this guy who always stares at me. I’ve smiled, opened my heart, and he has even approached to be in closer proximity with me, but he NEVER would start a conversation. Not very step-up-esque, which feels kinda icky to me, but he seems nice enough, so not totally icky.

    He was just sitting down, and I saw him, and I marched right up to him and plopped down and started to talking to him.

    we talked for a while, and he seemed so happy that I approached him.

    I feel silly that I said this as I was leaving, but I said “sorry if I bothered you…”

    and his face lit up and he was like “No! You didn’t bother me.” and he looked like he was so happy he could die.

    It was cute.

    It still doesn’t feel awesome to lean forward, though.



  95.  #95Starla on September 6, 2012 at 11:51 am

    i often feel not good enough for WarriorCD. He is super good looking and I think he could do muuuch better than me, lookswise. I can tell that energetically this is a big deal for me, because when i was going to the hairdresser yesterday, he started suggesting colors that would look “hot” on me, and when i picked one he didn’t choose, he wasn’t very supportive lol.

    i don’t think he’s a controlling b*stard or anything. i sincerely believe he’s a mirror.

    he is a very energetcally on a higher level than most, as he studies martial arts and meditation, and i think he just feeds off my energy.

    soooooo

    i’m not sure what to do with all this. i’d like to grow with it. it’s a brilliant opportunity. but i’m not sure where to start.

    Dominique? Anyone?



  96.  #96Dominique on September 6, 2012 at 11:53 am

    I see you Senara. πŸ™‚

    Sending love.

    xxoo



  97.  #97Smile on September 6, 2012 at 11:54 am

    I feel loving and happiness towards my livingroom this evening. I feel stretched, my muscles are starting to feel relaxed. I can feel my mouth watering. A treat of red wine and a few chocolates I got as a pressi. It feels so cosy. I can feel the glow from my new candles. It feels so much brighter with my new throw. I felt sadness that I will be moving. But then I told myself I can create this feeling anywhere.



  98.  #98Smile on September 6, 2012 at 11:55 am

    It feels really difficult to drink wine whilst stretching on the sofa. Hmm a straw maybe would make it feel easier?



  99.  #99Smile on September 6, 2012 at 11:56 am

    Senara, I would feel bummed about that too!



  100.  #100Senara on September 6, 2012 at 11:59 am

    Thank you, Dominique! πŸ™‚



  101.  #101Goddess Lily on September 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    91 Senara—I agree with you completely. I feel like I try so hard to get people to like me and want to be around me. So afraid to fail that I haven’t been letting my true self shine.

    That’s why I’m on this blog. To learn from the other sirens and get back to the being the attractive goddess I’m meant to be. Although I’m new to this site and also feel like an outsider….like I don’t know the language.

    Thank you for sharing that Senara!



  102.  #102Smile on September 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    I loving a snuggly atmosphere in my home. Feels like it could be winter on this lovely summer day. I love my mixed up feelings over this.



  103.  #103Senara on September 6, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Smile,

    I was a bit bummed when she called me because I was at the library and my phone was supposed to be turned off but I just put it on vibrate, thinking no one would call me while I was there. I only had one book in my hand and I had intended to choose at least four and take my time choosing them because I love spending time amongst books. The library is very peaceful when there are no children crying! πŸ™‚

    So I had to hurry up and get another book quick, get back home, get ready and come here to replace her. I feel like my little adventure was cut short.

    I wanted to cook today and that’s what I feel most peeved at since I love cooking and it relaxes me so much.



  104.  #104Senara on September 6, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    Goddess Lily,

    Then that makes two of us, we will learn together! πŸ™‚

    Thank you!



  105.  #105Daria on September 6, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    ohhh Smile that word pressi feels so fun thank u for sharing!



  106.  #106Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    Iamabutterfly I have been cheated on but honestly don’t feel triggered. He ended up marrying the woman she kicked him out and he came crawling back. Last time we spoke months ago he was clear he is ready to marry me he feels certain he will not be happy in life until he gets me. His own words.



  107.  #107Daria on September 6, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    i don’t feel triggered about the post about cheating!



  108.  #108Daria on September 6, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    now i feel slightly triggered that i didnt feel triggered

    im slightly triggering myself

    hmmm

    sigh

    this feels good and i feel excited to streeetch movement yum for my yummy Daria



  109.  #109Iamabutterfly on September 6, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    @106 Feminine Woman – that feels so encouraging that you don’t feel triggered. It must make you feel good that he wanted you back that bad.

    It feels empowering. Like, you are the prize, and even if a fool did cheat on you, he’ll regret it for life.

    It would feel good to see myself like that, like if someone cheated on me, he’d regret it forever.

    It feels empowering when I see guys who gave up on me looking at me longingly after I’ve given up on them.

    But then part of me feels curious that if they ever got close enough to me (I used to never let them,) would they still want to look back?

    I want to believe that they would always look back. That i am the epitamy of amazing, and you’d be a fool to pass me up.

    I feel juicy just thinking about it.

    Thanks for your insight!

    It feels extremely hopeful.
    It feels fresh and sassy and vengeful…but in the good way.
    Vindicated.



  110.  #110Smile on September 6, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    Goddess lily and senara,

    I feel like that too sometimes. Mostly the language used is around the words ‘I feel’. Rori suggests getting in touch with your feelings through things like weather… Everyday stuff really. This has helped me the most. it took a while for me to feel comfortable doing this but now it feels easier. No one here is going to judge you, that’s the opposite of what goes on here. It’s also a great place to work through your triggers. 



  111.  #111Senara on September 6, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    FW,

    Did you feel triggered at the time it happened? How did you react?



  112.  #112Smile on September 6, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    He he, Daria if you were here I’d share the ‘pressi’ with you, not just the word. These chocolates feel so yummy to be treating myself to. Not had choc in a while. 



  113.  #113Goddess Lily on September 6, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    I feel anxious while reading this topic. :-/



  114.  #114Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Now that I think about it Iamabutterfly I have gotten that longing look from more a than on exes. Kinda wondering what it wouldv’e been like. I am not sure though that I like the feel of that kind of attentions.



  115.  #115Smile on September 6, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    I feel bad for sharing I don’t feel triggered about cheating either. Though I know what it’s like to feel insecure in a relationship that it consumes all your energy. My ex of ten years had so many friends who were girls. I snipped, followed him, read his phone towards the end of our relationship. He actually didn’t cheat on me… ((My insecurities))



  116.  #116Smile on September 6, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    *snooped



  117.  #117Senara on September 6, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    I felt very triggered when it happened, especially since I wanted to break up with him the month before but he has succeeded in convincing me that he was “persistent” and would make it worthy.

    And when someone called my house asking for his new “flame”, that was the last drop. I stayed cool outside, but inside I was raging. I remember talking and talking and trying to make him tell me why this was happening after what took place the month before.

    I remember crying for a whole month. I was a mess.

    That is something I never want to experience anymore.

    I am stronger now, and I trust it won’t be that hard to let the other one go.



  118.  #118Starla on September 6, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    WarriorCD actually just triggered me again.

    i don’t like when he says things like “you don’t know about [thing he is interested in] :(” all sad cuz I am not what he wants me to be or something.

    i told him how i feel. but now i feel turned off.



  119.  #119Senara on September 6, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    I don’t feel triggered reading about cheating today either.

    The memories of that happening are what’s triggering me.



  120.  #120ALA on September 6, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    CDing still feels a little like cheating to me. D would be angry with me if he knew about my dating profile. Even before that “crazy relationship” comment I felt like deactivating it. I’m not meeting anyone I’m interested in at all. The last two CDs have commissioned me to do work for them at my business. I’ve been self-employed for over 20 years.I see how easy it is for me to be in masculine energy with men. Trying to go back and forth between the two energies is a challenge for me most of the time.

    I was a single mother by choice, being in a financial position to do so. And not recognizing my intimacy issues with men. It has had some incredible rewards, but also I wonder the impact it left on my daughter. If the story she is telling herself is that a man wont ever be there for her. She’s very masculine energy too. I see her mirroring so many of my behaviors and mannerisms.



  121.  #121Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    First I was numb in disbelief, shock and denial As we were planning to get married I thought all my friends were talking about me. I was in my 20s and had started buying furniture and very in masculine energy driving things forward. Then I melted and started bawling my life out. Then a few weeks later he went into depression begging me to forgive him.



  122.  #122Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    I feel jittery now… can’t focus today. Was a mess during a phone conference… not good.

    I realize I have been imagining every possibility that he is now pursuing this fb contact.

    This post is really not helping πŸ™



  123.  #123Senara on September 6, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    Starla,

    Have you thought about taking a break from him for a while? Maybe concentrate on other CDs if you have them?

    It doesn’t feel to me that this is the right time for you to have WarriorCD in your life now.

    I feel triggered by the name WarriorCD too. Eeekkk!Sorry Starla!



  124.  #124Senara on September 6, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    But you didn’t, right FW?

    Or did you?



  125.  #125Senara on September 6, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Smile, thank you! I see you! πŸ™‚



  126.  #126MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Senara and goddess lily

    I see and feel you. I am shy and nervous in real life around people I don’t know well. I am chipping away at my shell! I am so glad you are joining us! You can do it too, and we can help!



  127.  #127Senara on September 6, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    (((Siren Angel))) I’m so sorry

    I wish I had a way to make it all better.



  128.  #128Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Ultimately I was going to take him back. But my family was adamantly against it especially my brother. In a few months I was able to pack and leave for college. Today no regrets. He is in the same place in life he was back then while I done so much, traveled so much and acheived so.



  129.  #129Rebecca on September 6, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    … I do think I am attracted to Aspergers men. I’ve been triggered by this before. My last boyfriend I’m pretty sure was Aspergers. They tend to be very charming and can make you feel very, very special. But on the downsound they havr minimal social skills amd get very possessive. No good if you like to be out and about and social. I think they are very loyal though. But Ihave found them ridiculously clingy..



  130.  #130Senara on September 6, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Hey MissStix! πŸ™‚

    I am shy too but working in a boutique really helped me open up and feel more comfortable around customers and folks in general, even the annoying ones! lol!



  131.  #131Senara on September 6, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    That’s resilience and it even reaches far beyond that, FW. Good for you.



  132.  #132Starla on September 6, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Senara, i have other CDs. Warrior is the one who asks me out the most though. he also talks to me all day every day lol.

    hmmm

    yes maybe less of him.



  133.  #133Smile on September 6, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Smile… Put the chocolates away before you feel sick and guilty! No your limit!



  134.  #134Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    I was willing to forgive him but he was angry with the world and I felt unsafe around him. Though at the time I was willing tooverlook that.



  135.  #135Iamabutterfly on September 6, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    @123 Senara – I feel fascinated by this. I don’t know if Feminine Woman “forgave” her man or not.

    but I have felt “wronged” by men before.

    Forgiving this one guy was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

    and he wasn’t even in my life anymore.

    I think you go crazy if you don’t forgive, in the “let it go” sense of the word.

    Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you forget, or even that you trust in exactly the same way.

    To me, it means choosing to think the best of them, realizing that they are human and make mistakes just like you do, and choosing to let go of the pain that they caused you.



  136.  #136Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Thanks Senara



  137.  #137Smile on September 6, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    FW, thank you for sharing your story tonight

    No regrets feels strong x



  138.  #138MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Senara

    lol @ annoying customers.

    For me I took a pole dancing class…It was a lot of women I didn’t know. All different shapes and sizes, and I could tell they were nervous like me. By the end of those few weeks we were all just having a blast! I’d say that was the first crack in my shell.



  139.  #139Smile on September 6, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    *know



  140.  #140Starla on September 6, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    he reeaaally triggers me



  141.  #141Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to change environments and chase my dreams. Even fantasies that I did not dream I could.



  142.  #142Daria on September 6, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    im feeeling yummmayyyy

    and i feel excited about my vision of putting t-tapp stretches, sensual dance, and chi gong all together inclued while i do my movements

    fascia softening too. and breathing.

    woooo

    i noticed if i did one of the others before my t-tapp i was able to notice how the movements were included

    and i want to blend them together

    yum

    then i want to show people and have it look all sexy while we heal thru movement



  143.  #143Smile on September 6, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    My phone is triggering me tonight. Feeling bugged that I don’t have my laptop back yet 



  144.  #144Smile on September 6, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    I love my pouting!



  145.  #145MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    I was picked on and bullied by females growing up…As a result I have drifted towards male friends. I have 2 close female friends and they are my cousins. I love how this blog has shown me I can trust female peers. It feels warm and lovely.



  146.  #146Smile on September 6, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    Yey Ruth! My friend just texed to say she’d do the park runs with me! Shorter distances are gonna feel great to start with  thanks again for the recommendation!



  147.  #147Starla on September 6, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    i just logged off my chat with Warrior.

    Thanks for the suggestion.

    A little less of him would be good.



  148.  #148Senara on September 6, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Iamabutterfly,

    There are a couple of people I forgave in my life but I never forgot what they did and how they did it at the time.

    My memory is very sharp for that.



  149.  #149Senara on September 6, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    Yes MissStix,

    I hear pole dancing is good for opening up – plus, you get to be in splendid sexy shape, which is cool!



  150.  #150Daria on September 6, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    :: PREsponsive Parenting ::

    Raising a child in harmony with human nature is
    like driving to a distant city. The road isn’t
    straight, but it’ll get you there.

    For example, the road to independence as an adult
    is via dependence as a baby. Going straight to
    independence is a disaster.

    You know you’ve veered off course when the ride
    becomes suddenly rough, so you steer back to the
    smooth road. Responsive parenting is like that:
    answering a baby’s cries or a child’s aggression
    with unconditional love and nurturing.

    But when driving, you *rarely* veer off the road.
    You stay *centered* in your lane for a smooth ride!
    You stay *attuned* to the road, so you can adjust
    course BEFORE you veer off.

    In other words, you can PREspond!

    Today, if you hit a rough spot with your child,
    be REsponsive, but also consider how you might
    have PREsponded, and refine your attunement
    accordingly.

    Pleasure-oriented PREsponsiveness can turn your
    parenting journey into a JOYride! πŸ™‚

    http://dailygroove.net/presponsive



  151.  #151Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Time and distance has helped me to heal. We even had a do over about 4 years ago but whe he started rubberbanding, going into his cave and shutting me out when he had problems I got bored. When I totaaly gave up, leaned back and just turned my whole energy and being away he showed up totally totally opening up and dropping his ego and maschismo. He shared his behavior was all based on his socialisation that had misled him.



  152.  #152Smile on September 6, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    I don’t want to tell my best friend about the kiss with strummingman last night.

    I know she will say… So are you getting back together then or careful, you’ll get hurt. I’m expecting her to have expectations, hm..,

    Everything feels black or White for her.

    Thanks to Rori, I feel comfortably with grey or what ever colour it turns out to be…Feels kind of golden/orange at the moment.



  153.  #153Daria on September 6, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    I want to learn baby signing

    this is when babies learn sign language before they talk and they can communicate what they want!

    heres a youtube

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gSZfW4gVhI

    i feel excited learning about this!!!

    and smily!



  154.  #154ALA on September 6, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    I’m typing between clients and miss a lot of the goings on this way.

    FW, thanks for sharing that. It helped me get perspective on so much that I’ve been questioning inside my noggin. πŸ™‚



  155.  #155turquoise on September 6, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    Hmmmm… well, good thing Rori says to be surprised.

    Mr. C. texted me a few texts to sort of check in I guess… just normal stuff. Then he said that H was supposed to work last night, but she fell asleep on the couch and wouldn’t wake up. He has commented a lot to me lately that she’s lazy, all she does is sleep.

    This time though, rather than agreeing with him or be negative in any way… I said, “I wonder if she has iron deficiency. Having a baby can change your body chemistry. She seems awfully tired.”

    He said she did have iron issues and was anemic in the past and asked if I could tell by looking at her.

    I replied. “No, she looks healthy. Just based on what you say about how tired she is.”

    His reply. “I think it’s more likely she’s lazy and depressed.”

    Redirect by me, not going to the negative….

    “I live on caffiene, so I typically get 5-6 hours of sleep a night.

    A little bit later he asked me what size shirt I wear, and then sent this..

    “for you, a little present, but can’t pick it up until tomorrow πŸ˜‰ ”

    My reply… “You got me a present? Wow, thank you! That feels nice to know you were thinking about me. :)”

    Then he sent the picture, very cute. (It’s the school colors, with a logo on it) and said, “they are making yours:) ”
    I wrote back, “I love it! It’s perfect! I love V necks! Thank you sooo much!”

    Him: “I thought it was all you… not a boring old t shirt, but more for a woman.”

    “It’s perfect for me”
    “You’re Welcome”

    I said, ” that was very sweet”

    he said, “don’t tell anyone :)” Which is sort of a game, he doesn’t want anyone to know he has a sweet side kind of thing, not that I really can’t tell anyone like it’s a secret.

    Then he said that he got some cool new gear for himself too and I said, “great! I want to go see what they have.”

    He said, “I got you the coolest thing for a girl πŸ˜‰ ”

    I replied, “You have awesome taste, so I believe it! I’m so excited!”

    So, I got to practice holding back my opinion, or saying anything negative. Using my feeling messages and being appreciative. What do you think? How’d I do? He’s never gotten me a present before, in fact….I can’t really remember the last time someone got me a present. He mentioned getting me something at this place last week, but they were closed, so I know it’s something he’s been thinking about, not just a peace offering for yesterday.

    So, enjoying the moment. Not reading into anything…. what do you sirens think?



  156.  #156turquoise on September 6, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Oh, and just to clarify…. his ex wife doesn’t live there, she moved to an apartment in June, but he said she tells him how tired she is, baby won’t let her sleep, she’ll text him often and say she was sleeping. He doesn’t get it, because baby sleeps A LOT, and only gets up once at night when he has her.

    I don’t usually comment on that… what is there even to say. I did tell him once that I had a friend who was depressed, and when she had a bad day, she’d go to bed, even if it was 8:00.



  157.  #157Linda on September 6, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    Hello Sirens

    I am with some of you this post makes me feel ick.
    The love of my life and the last man did some of these things. I dont want to ponder or think on them anymore. The first red flag I get with any man from now on is walking papers. Enough of that crap around me for the rest of my life!

    THe date I had with OlderBusyMan was so nice last week. He has not been in contact at all this week. OK no biggie.

    I have another man who has been texting and or calling me all week. His texts are “thinking of you” have a beautiful day…. etc etc. The feel Halmark Greeting Cardish. He said he is all about how a woman feels and if she feels good then he feels happy. Yikes…..I just feel uninterested and turned off really. I have not even met him and really dont feel motivated to. I dont know what to think about him…my feelings are just ick.



  158.  #158turquoise on September 6, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    I was afraid C would cheat on me when we were married, he even threatened it once. But aside from looking at porn, there were never any phone calls or emails, nothing like that. I remember feeling relieved that he hadn’t cheated on me, and that’s sad. To have to even feel that way. I haven’t had that kind of trigger yet with anyone else…. but I bet it’s still in me, deep down.



  159.  #159Linda on September 6, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    I feel… “gag me with a spoon” really. hahah that makes me giggle. I am smiling about that now!



  160.  #160Radlove on September 6, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    Feminine Woman,

    I just want to let you know that if attention-seeking was my goal, I would come on here and make up stories about some amazing romance so everyone would be impressed.

    The nature of a lot of the stuff I post is straight embarrassment. Quite the opposite of attention-seeking.

    I felt hurt by the things you said. That doesn’t mean I don’t like you as a person.



  161.  #161Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    Turq I feel so proud of you. Woohoo



  162.  #162turquoise on September 6, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Linda…lol. Gag me with a spoon, haven’t heard that in a long time! i feel that way too when I’m not interested or attracted. I told, sheesh… can’t remember what I was calling him, the guy I went out with Saturday night who had bad breath, that I didn’t feel a big connection, and I was looking for that. I KNOW, should give people more of a chance, but he isn’t for me. He’s quirky, and kinda goofy. But nice. I felt bad though because he replied that it was a pleasure meeting me, wishing me nothing but the best and good luck. πŸ™ He was texting me all the time, I wasn’t even replying, and he kept texting.



  163.  #163Radlove on September 6, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    I dedicate this song to R:

    http://www.godvine.com/The-Amazing-Story-of-Chris-Medina-Through-his-Song-296.html

    It is by a man whose fiance got a serious brain injury just before their wedding, about his devotion to her regardless. I feel touched.



  164.  #164Laughing Goddess on September 6, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    I had a cheating experience with my man that actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

    I think I was unconsciously testing him to see how far I could push him, to see just how much he really loved me. Not relating to him in feminine energy, not letting him lead.

    He ended up kissing another girl when he was away for the weekend. He came home and was totally honest with me. He said that he felt drawn to her due to her being in feminine energy.

    I was really upset at first but after I heard the whole story and we talked for a bit, I felt okay.

    He said it made him realize that he wants to make sure we keep our attraction up and really tend to our relationship.

    I never thought I could forgive someone who cheated on me, but I actually felt okay with it.

    I really appreciated the fact that he was honest and told me right away.
    I appreciated that he didn’t take it further than a kiss. He said he could have. She was definitely ready and willing but he didn’t and I believe him about that.
    She had befriended him on Facebook, which I didn’t even realize because I wasn’t stalking him there (thank god) and he defriended her and actually seemed really angry with her.
    I guess they had met and he told her about me and she was really flirtatious with him and kept pushing and the kiss happened…and he seemed really kind of mad at her. I actually felt kind of bad because of the drastic way he just defriended her and blew her off.
    So ya, it was pretty crazy but given the way I had been treating him prior and how he handled the situation once it had happened, I felt okay with forgiving him.

    And now I know his limit. He won’t stay with me forever if I take the masculine role in the relationship. I can respect that.

    And I actually do really trust him now. It’s been a process and we had a lot to work through but I actually feel like our relationship is closer now as a result of it.

    Gosh, I feel scared of being judged for this story. πŸ™
    Love to me, love to me, love to me.
    I guess in some ways I am judging myself.



  165.  #165turquoise on September 6, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Really FW? I did well then? lol. Thanks!

    I really do feel that happy and excited he got me a present.

    But also, he told me his ex never liked anything he bought her, went as far as to take off her engagement ring many times and say she hated it, complained that the $300 charm bracelet he got her wasn’t the right brand, and ripped up a book he made her of all her dreams that he was going to make come true, like from the disney movie Up. It broke my heart to see that he tried so hard to make her happy, and she just tore him down.

    He even did that 30 day challenge, I forget what the book is, she was doing it too, and quit the first day. Plus, was terrible to him the whole month. Guess what day 30 was? Their wedding. Then she told him she hated their whole wedding, their honeymoon and ripped up her vows.

    I don’t understand how people can be sooo terrible to someone they are supposed to love. Which is why, I’ve been so understanding and open to being a friend. But, 3 months of it was too much, I leaned forward too far, and stopped treating him like a stong, capable man.

    I love how much I’m learning from him/about myself, through all of this!



  166.  #166turquoise on September 6, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    And Tux just texted to ask how my day is…. nice!

    Leaving work now, off to get a haircut. πŸ™‚



  167.  #167Radlove on September 6, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    ”Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing is a field…I will meet you there” Rumi



  168.  #168Laughing Goddess on September 6, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    I think the reason he was so mad at her is because he felt like she seduced him even though he told her he was in a relationship. And I think he was mad at himself for falling for it.

    He said he just felt so unsure of it I was really into him that when she started giving him all this attention, he got drawn in.

    Once he stepped away from the situation and realized that it would mean we were over, he felt horrible.

    He was really surprised that I was so upset as he didn’t think I really cared and I understand that. I really was being very aloof and not respecting masculine decisions he was making.

    I think we both learned a huge lesson and even though it was hard, it was actually not really that bad.



  169.  #169Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Turquoise awareness is the greatest gift. At least one of the wonders of life. We mostly operate on autopilot as if we are unconscious. I feel so much compassion for her. Maybe when she wakes it could be that she waste so many years being misrable and unhappy. So much we can lern from other people’s life.



  170.  #170Daria on September 6, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    Linda – wow your gravatar picture feels so warm and lovely!



  171.  #171Laughing Goddess on September 6, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    Another thing that feels good is that I knew something had happened before he even told me. I feel relieved because I know I can trust my intuition.

    That feels awesome to know that my intuition guides me so well.

    Starla is one of the few people that I told. Thanks Starla! I just felt embarrassed and worried that people wouldn’t understand how I could forgive something like that.



  172.  #172Starla on September 6, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    Love you, LG.



  173.  #173Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    LG what jumped at me was how attune he was about her readiness. They are sensitive to our vibe even though we might be strangers.



  174.  #174Starla on September 6, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    i feel really glad that i have been able to be there for sirens off-blog when they didn’t want to post here.

    because you ladies have all been here for me, on and off blog.

    loooooooooove <3 <3 <3
    love you all a lot



  175.  #175Turquoise on September 6, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    Very true FW. I do feel bad for her too…. Such a waste.



  176.  #176Laughing Goddess on September 6, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    Hugs hugs hugs and love to me.

    Feeling sensitive and vulnerable.



  177.  #177Laughing Goddess on September 6, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    FW: Ya, and that is one of the things that confused me is he said he felt a strong polarity with her and at the same time it seemed like she was really coming on to him.

    I feel confused by how she could be in feminine energy yet still coming on so strong.



  178.  #178Turquoise on September 6, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    Thank you LG, hugs to you too!



  179.  #179Starla on September 6, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    177 LG – rockstar energy maybe?



  180.  #180ruth on September 6, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    A lover from about 20yrs ago has just contacted me on the evilFB

    Yuck



  181.  #181Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    LG we have to learn to forgive and build trust together withpartners we choose to live with. Otherwise what is the point. Did you share with him your intuition had already told you?



  182.  #182Laughing Goddess on September 6, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    I think more than anything she just really appealed to his ego and I think he was really disappointed in himself for falling for that.



  183.  #183Laughing Goddess on September 6, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    And this happened at a time when I was taking a break from the blog and I was really not doing what I know I need to do to have a healthy relationship.



  184.  #184Senara on September 6, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    LG I don’t judge you, I applaud you! πŸ™‚



  185.  #185Goddess Lily on September 6, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    LG I’m proud of your courage to trust again. Quite an example!



  186.  #186Radlove on September 6, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Without enough money to live on, my life is out of control.



  187.  #187Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    LG. Gay Hendricks tell a similar story about himself in one of his books. Maybe Conscious Loving. He said his wife bawled her eyes out telling him that she could not stay feeling open to him should he cheat sexually.



  188.  #188Daria on September 6, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    wow i just did some extra t-tapp yay thanks Daria!



  189.  #189Daria on September 6, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    it feels great that im getting way more able to use my masculine energy now, when i think of something such as a movement to do it instead of brushing it offf

    yay listening to me and trusting me that im not thinking overhwhelming things

    AND!!! babysteps



  190.  #190Laughing Goddess on September 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    I have to start driving but I just wanted to pop in and thank all of you for your support.

    Thank you so much. Will respond more later.



  191.  #191Dancing Siren on September 6, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Ok I wasn’t going to post tonight because I have been MIA recently and haven’t contributed to the blog much and I am making a judgement about myself that whenever I am here I am being negative when it would feel better to bring some positive energy to Sirens sometimes.

    Anyways this blog is a great support to me and I feel bothered and uptight so I am going to post.

    Just feeling a bit antsy really.

    This post triggers fear in me.

    S has been a bit secretive about his phone and messages he receieves recently, where he never was before.

    I felt a bit insecure and shared that and asked whether he was with anyone when we were apart.

    He said no but then he asked me about my dating as I had said I wouldn’ be exclusive at that time.

    I didn’t want to talk about it and then he said he felt insecure and things got very uncomfortable and he got angry (which I know they are supposed to about CD-ing) and it wasn’t great, bu we talked openly and I said I am always honest and I just did what I said I would which was be open to dating until things felt ok with us.

    He asked me for details but I said I felt uncomfortable to discuss. He kept trying to draw me in and was filling in the blanks with made up stuff.

    Anyway we got past that.

    We have been spending a LOT of time together recently, and I have been a lot in my masc energy as we have been cleaning up his place for me to feel comfortable to stay (live if I want) there with him. And he has been letting me re-organise stuff the way I want.

    So I have been in my boy energy doing this.

    It has had an effect on the relationship… nothing major, just slightly dampened from normal.

    And I want to get back into my Girl now.

    For tonight I decided to stay at my Mum’s so we can have some ‘miss me’ time.

    Don’t get me wrong he is still loving, affectionate and wants sex, but just maybe a tad less attentive and available than before.

    It’s hard to know where to give men a break, and where to stand up for myself, I mean I feel SO hypersensitive.

    But the phone thing has been getting to me.

    I didn’t realise till reading this article but I am going to bring it up with him.

    And tonight he said we would talk on text but he didn’t text me back when I repiled to him after my class.

    I feel a bit annoyed about this too. I know he read it I got a read report ages ago.

    But anyway, I haven’t been very good at trusting him.

    I FIND this SOOO hard. Esp about the drinking, which I don’t think he has been, and he has been attending his group…

    But still I find it hard.

    So this is where *My* work is regardless of what he is doing.

    I know he loves me.

    So I will feel better just to train my brain to think the best and be trusting where possible.

    I know I am feeling tired too. So I am going to go to bed in a minute.

    But I am just feeling kinda grumpy and judgemental and blamey!

    GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!



  192.  #192Dancing Siren on September 6, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    Have gone off track and forgotten how to be a true Siren a bit recently.

    But nothing major!

    And so now I am on it again.

    It feels good to make it about ME!

    I am going to be totally ‘selfish’ and b8itch like and a TOTAL SIREN full on for a bit now… like serious Siren business!

    πŸ™‚

    He he… feels fun already.



  193.  #193Dancing Siren on September 6, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    Ok he just text me.

    Right so I am just going to tell it like it is… here on the blog I mean.

    I am feeling very needy. Empty, clawing and grasping, trying to fill this cavernous space inside!

    I feel terribly afraid and triggered every time I perceive that my man is not paying me enough attention, and my first instinct is to overfunction to try to get that love to feel better.

    I feel terribly triggered and afraid and triggered that it could go the way of my last relationship, pre Rori, and that was bad because it almost broke me.

    The feeling of powerlessness was awful, he went from me being the centre of his world to being distant and cold and being totally aloof with no sexual contact or affection.

    I fell apart, became depressed, struggled and was totally powerless. Then I broke things off because it was too painful but I still loved him.

    Then I spent the next month trying to get him back, which didn’t work, then he met and married someone else!

    I felt heartbroken and it took me quite a while to get over that.

    That is what brought me to Rori.

    Aamen!

    And now, everytime S’s atention lapses from me, even for a moment, I feel MASSIVE pangs of fear, and ‘here we go again’ and powerless little girl and I don’t want to go there again.

    But it’s ok.

    I love even those parts of me too.

    And I know stuff now, that I didn’t know before.

    I mean I *feel* differently.

    It can be hard sometimes when I feel those pangs of fear, not to paste a smile on, and overfunction and give.

    And then feel angry, resentful and even more empty.

    So I am catching myself.

    The truth is I feel stronger inside.

    I feel that no matter what, things are different. *I* am different.

    I know it’s about me.

    I can be gentle with myself.

    But it is helpful to remember that I am the one! He is incredibly lucky to have me, and my company is the greatest gift.

    Really.

    I don’t have to ‘do’ anything.

    It is a gift just to be me and for people to get to spend time with me.

    The best thing I can do for everyone is let me light shine.

    And I have been feeling bad/guilty/unworthy because of my debts.

    This is a big one for me.

    To allow people to help me and to feel worthy of receiving the help.

    This is a lesson I have resisted.

    I haven’t felt good enough.

    But I am.

    And I am selling everyone short if I cannot gently accept that! Cus it won’t help anyone!

    I wanted things to be so different by now in my life in terms of my financial wealth, and I HA8TE still being dependent on my Mum, however this is stopping, I am seeing to that!

    I have learnt my lessons here, about self sufficiency, not spending beyond my means and being open to receiving help (well still on this one really) .

    Well I am going to stop rambling now and head to bed but thanks for letting me talk!

    Night night… I’ll come see you all again soon.



  194.  #194luzydel on September 6, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    I never had a man cheat on me until I met “S” who said he didn’t think he could be faithful to me, even though he didn’t cheat. Most men I pushed away, I broke up the relationship, I made things on my mind to NOT make it work. They did not want to leave, I asked them to leave.

    I feel so regretful for not know how to handle those relationships, for keeping my emotions stuffed inside me until I got so resentful that ended up hating them…

    I would like to have a second chance with a man who doesn’t want to leave…



  195.  #195Daria on September 6, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    hooooooh

    im feeling excited!

    all that parenting myself and being there for me and not abandoning myself and offering myself hugs and respecting my no’s….

    has brought huge shifts…

    i noticed

    i went to do the Margaret Lynch chakra videos

    and when i went to the second one…

    i GOT that i shut down my desire for harmony by vowiung to NEVER speak up or “get in their business” when my parents (or others) were fighting

    and ignored my own (and since ive been parenting myself i would NOT do that now) desire for harmony and love around me!

    and i was able to tap on this… 2nd chakra tappings is one of the first things that brought behavior changes in me

    in that i asked for my needs to get met

    so im feeling sigh pleased knowing im gonna watch myself ask for harmony and love and kindness around me and share how i feel… with a lot less pressure anxiety and blame

    ive been wanting to speak up on this for so long – i was able to take a step saying ow w my aunt and uncle, but i didnt with my parents

    now i know i will

    and with others too

    i will be able to not ‘stand up’ for others … that paradigm is out

    but instead share feelings of upset at what i see and hear around me

    and even ask for what i want

    — i plan to ask for it in feeling messages and dont wants —

    wow /! so huge

    and thats just the first part!

    theres more

    theres that ive been working on having Money be like a man in my life

    and trusting him that he’s not ‘bad’ etc

    and that he’s innocent and we connect innocently healingly and beautifully

    and he takes care of me (and he has!)

    so NOW i was actually like huh? when she talked about ‘earning’ money. but i got that she meant receiving money in an prearranged contract way

    πŸ™‚

    mmmmm

    AND

    i got that my kinda left out desperate feeling of wanting to go out, not be left out, be invited and picked up and go out at nite to flashy places and parties in a group

    is also second chakra that i VOWED TO NOT ASK my parents to take me with them out when they went to have ‘fun’ at night, or when i was alone in my room in the dark and they had their friends over at parties having fun and laughing.

    when i asked i got disappointed so i leanred not to ask!

    thats how i also dont ask now for friends to see me and take me out – at least not with all the friends i would like

    instead i put it on me that im not ‘fun’ enough for them to want to!

    but im prbably preempting it energetically. this is why i want to be part of a group so much!

    and this was a revelation i havent even tapped on yet!

    i can do that tomorrow

    taht feels SO exciting adn amazing

    ive been wanting this ‘glamourous, being included’ thing for SO LONG

    i want it BAD

    oh my do i want it

    lol

    im laughing cuz i know how much i wanted it and how frustrated and unworthy and hopeless ive felt about it throughout my life

    and now it will be healed

    shaking my head

    at how amazing ‘stuff’ is

    sigh

    i love me

    πŸ™‚



  196.  #196Daria on September 6, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    imagine being able to ask for harmony around me!

    who could deny me!

    that feels amazing

    mmm im feeling love towards myself from my lil girl who wants to lay her head on my arm and love on me



  197.  #197Daria on September 6, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    money is my man and i dont NEED him

    i can take him or leave him

    i appreciate him and he makes me feel good!



  198.  #198Daria on September 6, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    i am feeling well pleased with myself

    i plan on uploading these videos and audios on my google docs and sharing with interested beings on a personal level



  199.  #199Dominique on September 6, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Dancing Siren – You may have gone to sleep already, but I hope you get to read this tomorrow.

    Even after all of this time and as solid and secure as I feel in my relationship with K and even as rare as this happens, when his attention and affection withdraw, even if just a bit, I too can find the panic and fear feelings rise up in me.

    Since we do have a long history and I know without a shadow of a doubt that we have an awesome relationship, I can usually go back to this place within minutes if not seconds, as I remember my truth here and draw on recent lovely feeling memories if need be.

    And then I go be my cheerful, silly self in his presence or nor until he returns which is always more quickly if I don’t succumb to my gremlins or fall into his down energy.

    I can only surmise that since I’ve not known this kind of love before, it’s still difficult for me to believe within my deepest self. My intellectual self knows though.

    You can do this too. Until and unless he proves otherwise, trust him.

    xxoo



  200.  #200LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    ((( Siren Angel ))),

    I posted about D’s cheating adventure at the very end of January and all of February (if you want to search the archives).

    I had broken up with him over him giving too much space in his life to nlady.
    He litterally begged me to take him back.
    I pushed him off for 3 or 4 weeks.
    Then I finally said “OK, at your own risk and peril.”
    I spent my whole time verbally jabbing at him about her.
    I would cd and tell him about how well some men know how to treat women.
    I was abusive, but I had warned him “at your own risk and peril.”

    One evening at my place, slouching on the sofa cuddling together, I fell asleep.
    I was dead tired after half a bottle of wine, but he took it as lack of interest.

    So he left telling me he was going home.
    Instead he went to a bar, got drunk and brought home a woman he met there for the 1st time.

    I was 1st shocked.
    That’s how I was able to remain calm while talking to him and her.
    I ran into by fluke when I went out dancing with girlfriends.
    We told each other everything.
    He asked me out on a date, I went.
    When we got back to his place, I told him about getting together with her and everything we told each other about what happened with him on both sides.

    I broke all contact for 1.5 months.
    I took 2 weeks to wallow in my emotions and let them all out here on the blog.
    I was so angry. I wanted to hit him over and over again.
    When that emotional storm passed, I went out all the time with my girlfriends, met a couple of men, cd’d at work and chatted on Match with 2 men.

    I was able to completely detach from him by 1st letting all of my emotions out to the surface.
    I really allowed them to be and really felt them.
    They flowed out and passed alot faster that way.
    Relief came alot faster when I just let the emotional storm be.

    He went to a confidant’s house and cried like a baby.
    He told them that I was the woman of his life, and he felt so sorry for throwing it all away.
    They told me about it over this summer.
    He called my very close friend and asked her if he still had a chance with me.
    He said he was sure I had someone else.
    She told him I still had feelings for him, but he would have to work very very very hard to get me back.
    And he did. He cried a river, he started seeing a therapist.

    I went back exclusively too fast.
    He quit the therapy after only 2 sessions.
    Now he’s back to being withdrawn and distant.



  201.  #201LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    194:

    That’s exactly what I do Luzydel.



  202.  #202Emerson on September 6, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    Thanks Dominique for your feedback it feels nice to read.

    Havent we seen this article before ? I’m surprised Rori picked this actually because it feels “unoriginal” and something I’d see on yahoo news…. Which is so un-Rori because I find her ideas fresh and helpful.

    I find this article hollow and fear provoking. Feels like a pointless discussion.



  203.  #203Emerson on September 6, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    I feel guilty for being negative



  204.  #204LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    Siren Angel,

    The best thing I ever did for myself was to prove to myself that I could have a life without him.

    Through that experience, I have become more open, warmer to people in general, less judgemental.
    I have made new friends while I was alone.
    These friends are warmer and more supportive than the ones I had before.

    Use this to learn the most you can about yourself, you will bloom.



  205.  #205BAB on September 6, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    Help!

    My man just asked me to “surprise him with dinner, or let him know of some ideas of something he could cook for me if i dont wanna cook.” Im lost as what to do.
    My initial thought is to cook for him because he is working late, but on the other hand i am trying to take a step back and not overfunction like i have been doing.
    I feel bad making him cook for me, because he has to work a little late (I am assuming he didn’t say)
    But i suggested his yummy, such and such would be wonderful, or whatever he chooses!
    Was this right of me? Im trying to let him take the initiative and to not be putting out those little, “i want you to do this” “i want this” or “this is what you should do” directions. lol am i paranoid? does that apply to this area of everyday living?! ANy help would be awesome!



  206.  #206luzydel on September 6, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    And If a man ever cheated o me, I would feel so turned off, I don’t think I could look a him the same way.

    Loyalty is so important to me…



  207.  #207MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    BAB

    It’s ok to let him cook for you! It’s also ok to cook for him if you like cooking and you want to cook there is nothing wrong with that. Although for me personally I don’t create romantic meals for my man…Something about it does’t feel right tome. Wining and dining a man.

    Anyway…All is ok πŸ™‚ If he said “give me some suggestions” then do it! He can at least own up to what he himself offers!



  208.  #208MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    No need for guilt or worry BAB relax and enjoy and tell him how wonderful you feel to be treated!



  209.  #209BAB on September 6, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    Once again thank you Stix for the fast response! πŸ™‚ lol
    *Sigh* It always resonates with me, if i hear it from someone else.



  210.  #210MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    πŸ™‚ glad to be of help!

    Hmmm…as far as i’m concerned we lovely sirens can let go of this guilt. A grien a$$ man can work and cook a meal for his lady once in a while. We can handle it. They can too. Not gonna kill him πŸ˜›



  211.  #211MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    Grown a$$ man…Not quite sure what a grien a$$ man is.



  212.  #212BAB on September 6, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    Lol too hilarious! I agree, i just get nervous if im taking too much advantage of this pampering because it has been awhile since i have received it!
    HE cooked dinner last night, hence my nerve’s..



  213.  #213MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    ohhh well then it’s extra nice he offered lol πŸ˜€

    Cooking together is fun too! ((((Teamwork))))



  214.  #214LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    I feel sorta hanging in thin air right now.

    D is withdrawing, keeping me hanging.
    No plans whatsoever to see each other.

    After spending the entire week on vacation together, he said “my 1st week was with my son, the last 1 was with you, now this 1 is for me. I’ll go on a motorcycle ride with my buddy, I’ll visit my parents and check-in with my son.”

    I just responded “it will feel weird not going to sleep by your side tonight.”
    He said “it will feel weird all week, coz we won’t see each other all week.”

    I felt triggered of course.
    He’s wonderful at leaving me hanging with no plans.
    I have absolutely no idea when we will see each other next.
    My NVs are telling me there’s someone else peaking his interest in the background if he’s not wanting me around.
    He could be just stepping back to think.
    He went to his parents’ where his sister was (he confides in her).
    He called at 10pm and we had a long talk, but it was just small talk.

    I leaned forward Tuesday night and called.
    His cell was turned off.
    Imagine the NVs at that moment.
    He called at 10pm, he had spent the afternoon at the hospital with his son, and spent the evening with him at his ex’s house (with her man).
    I have a good relationship with her, so he can’t lie about being there.

    I told him I had what he ordered from my friend.
    He came to pick it up.
    He stayed until my bedtime, I didn’t invite him to stay, he just did.

    I practiced Rori’s tool from the newsletter:
    I just slouched on the sofa next to him without touching him, kept my hands on my sides with palms facing up, and focused on the tv show and relaxed.

    As he walked to the door to leave, I followed him from far.
    When he got to the door and turned around to face me, I was standing a good 4 feet away and I leaned my body back.
    He had to step forward, lean forward to reach over and give me a warm long hug and kissed me on the lips.
    I melted and just put my arms around him softly without squeezing, then told him “that feels really good.”
    He said he would call me later tonight.



  215.  #215BAB on September 6, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    That what i thought! πŸ™‚ yay i feel special. Im gonna see how his mood is when he gets home, and then decide if i should offer to help.



  216.  #216MissStix on September 6, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    Good plan BAB! Have a great dinner πŸ˜€



  217.  #217Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    My ex husband cheated on me, and I now forgive him totally and wish him all the happiness in the world. But I would NEVER be able to trust him in a relationship again.

    But that’s fine – as friends I don’t have to worry about that trust factor. He cheated on his gf too, in exactly the same way. And looking at her, I sense a bit of masculine energy, so that could be why.

    The biggest thing I learned from this experience was that it was most likely my masculine energy that “pushed” him to cheat. I suppose it was his way of finally getting to be the man. I was the man in our relationship, not him. And as a result, he felt unfulfilled so had to go and be a man with someone else.

    When I finally came to this realisation, it was like I had suddenly woken from a very long slumber!

    In my first marriage, nobody cheated, but my ex (who was very masculine energy) and I were continually butting heads and he responded through verbal abuse. That’s how he got to be the “bigger” man – by pushing me down. And for 9 years I let him do it. Ick.

    And now with TH, I have to be very careful not to slip into masculine energy, because again I’m with a very masculine man, and we have definitely butted heads more than once! No abuse from him though. πŸ˜‰

    Men (and women) don’t cheat for no reason. They’re cheating to fulfill a need that’s not being met in their relationship, otherwise there’d be no reason for them to do it.

    I hope I’ve not offended anybody by posting this. I know how hurtful and devastating it is to be cheated on, and I don’t believe it’s the “right” thing to do if you’re in an unhappy relationship.

    A close friend of mine cheated on her verbally abusive husband, and I totally get why she felt compelled to do it, but I don’t understand how cheating could have solved anything.

    In the end, she regretted the affair and ended it then set about working on her marriage (finally – if only she’d tried this part first!), and they’re now due to have their first child together. The guy she had the affair with, was devastated. He thought they had a future together.

    My philosophy is that if you’re not happy in your relationship, either work together fix the problem or get out. Don’t inflict immense pain on the person you used to once love, because that’s what cheating can do.



  218.  #218LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    I don’t know why he’s so distant and withdrawn.
    He’s been that way for 3 or 4 weeks now.

    2 weeks into his withdrawal, I had a meltdown telling him “I feel cold and disconnected, I need warmth and interraction. I feel alone and lifeless like a decoration sitting on the shelf.”

    All he can say is “I know how I am, I don’t know why.”

    He was still cold and withdrawn during our vacation.
    I didn’t say a thing about it, and just went moment by moment, observing myself and my feelings…without saying anything about them.

    Maybe there is no one else, maybe he’s just stepping back to think.
    He’s focusing all his attention on his son.
    His son is usually off with his friends, but with a foot in a cast, he can’t join them in their activities.
    D is taking full advantage of his son’s availability.



  219.  #219Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    (((LiliBee))) I sometimes I wish we could read the minds of these men, and maybe D really doesn’t know what’s going on, like he said.

    Are you able to get out and CD some girlfriends while he’s like this? It will help you to take your mind off him and it will also help your vibe a little too. What do you think?

    TH sometimes withdraws when he has a lot on his mind, and if I ask if there’s something I should know about he says it’s nothing to do with me and to relax.

    If I believe him and let it go, he snaps out of it pretty quickly. And if I let it eat at me then get all paranoid, then we all know what happens! lol



  220.  #220Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    (((Lilibee)))

    I know so much how you feel. The distance during vacation and the son…

    How old is his son?

    You have been so strong and brave. I don’t know if I could have done the same.



  221.  #221Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    Lilibee,

    Thank you immensely for writing your story today for me. It warms my heart and I really feel for you.

    Maybe we can finally have that drink sometime we had talked about.



  222.  #222Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    Lilibee,

    Maybe he just needs his man cave right now. You did really well by leaning back. Focus on you (I know easier said than done).



  223.  #223Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    LiliBee, I’ve learned so much from your experience and your self awareness. Wow!

    I hope he comes out of his man cave soon – you deserve the very best.

    xxx



  224.  #224Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    And Siren Angel, for some reason I’ve been thinking a lot about you and your situation and really hoping with all my heart that you will get through this and end up much happier than ever before.

    I know this won’t help to make you feel any better right now, but I just wanted you to know that somebody far away is sending you love.

    xxx



  225.  #225LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    217:

    BW,

    I totally agree.
    I was veeerrrry masculine energy in the 2 relationships which I got cheated on.

    My ex fell in love with a very feminine woman.

    D just picked up a strange woman in a bar.
    By then, I had become a bit more feminine.
    It turned out that she was way more masculine and agressive than me.
    His ex was and still is very masculine energy.



  226.  #226Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    I met this guy some years ago through a mutual friend who taught us a lot about marketing online etc (we did this other guy’s course). We never met in person but connected online via our mutual friend

    Not long after we met, we would chat a bit on Skype because his son was really sick in hospital, so he’d sit up there at night with his son and while he was sleeping we would chat.

    We were both “happily” married at the time.

    Since both of our marriages ended, we’ve stayed in touch with each other, and he’s expressed his attraction to me on several occasions.

    He keeps saying that if he lived near, “something” would happen for sure. Lol He lives in the UK so he’s a bit far!

    It’s nice to know that there’s a guy on the other side of the world who thinks I’m hot though…. πŸ™‚



  227.  #227Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    Awww.. Butterfly Wings! So kind… thank you.

    I feel a little spent right now so not talking much, but I really appreciate your good thoughts.

    For some reason, I feel totally convinced he will come back fiercely, but I worry about the ‘in the mean time’ (literally)



  228.  #228Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    Lilibee,

    What scares me is that D and M seem to have some traits in common. He didn’t sleep with anyone the last 2 times we broke up (as far as I know and he’s said). But he does go online when we break up almost immediately (once the same day!). What worries me this time is that he might already have someone in mind, which makes me feel very anxious.

    It must have been so hard on you during that time. I remember a little from the blog then. You are soooo strong, I feel so impressed.



  229.  #229Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    M’s ex-wife is the utmost of masculine energy. I often wonder about that. She looks nothing like me, tall, dark. And her vibe is actually quite agressive although I have seen her smooth it up (at kid’s soccer games).



  230.  #230LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    219:

    BW,

    You’re doing exactly what Rori says to do and say.
    At least you get some kind of reassurance from him.

    I haven’t brought myself to ask that way yet.
    I already gave him my FM about it, so I felt it was best to just lean back and let it go not to hound him.

    But when I feel the time is right, and he’s still withdrawn, I will ask him that way.

    I did get a hint of what’s bothering him though:
    He has a hockey project that will be coming to fruition over the winter. (I’m not aloud to describe it as it will go public).
    In order to be with the team he was involved with in the developping stages, he has to change his work schedule to weeknights.
    He has his son every 2 weekends.
    Which leaves us with only 1 weekend out of 2 to be alone together.

    Hockey season is starting, so I asked him when the project was winding up and what he planned to do to be with the team.
    He said he would not change his work schedule (to please me by being available for me).

    I told him “I would love to come home to you every day after work, have dinner together and spend every evening together.
    But I know how passionate you are about the sport, and what a tremendous opportunity this project is.
    If I were in your shoes, I would not feel happy to feel left out of the team.
    I want to be with you, but I don’t want you miserable.
    You’ll figure something out.”

    He spoke to the team captain, spoke to work…he’s thinking about that now.
    He came up with “maybe I’ll just work weeknights for a month while the project unfolds after holidays, or maybe just 1 month now, and again after holidays, I haven’t decided.”

    I just replied “Well, I enrolled in zumba for 2 nights a week.”

    He sounds more upbeat and happy.

    Maybe that’s the only thing that was eating him up.
    He wants to make me happy, but he doesn’t want to give up this amazing opportunity which is about his life passion.



  231.  #231Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    Also, she might be that way out of frustration with M. It is palpable. He left her.

    Once this summer, I lent a big backpack to 11 yr old to go camping and M got him all that camping gear and new clothes. Something happened around the scheduling to pick up 11 yr old at camp and she did instead of M. M was furious because he wanted the things back. He used the excuse of the backpack belonging to my son. He decided to go ring at her door. The kids answered but they already knew why we were there, though I was in the car (there had been an exchange of angry emails about the camping stuff and pick-up). The kids refused to get the stuff and she wouldn’t come to the door.

    We went for supper and after we went back and I felt so not at ease. He asked me to ring the doorbell but she didnt answer. So he came up to the door to and it opened by one of her older kids (she had 2 older kids from previous marriage) and the ex finally came to the door and slammed it in our faces.

    I felt little shocked but at the same time I could sense the frustration she has for M. And it makes me wonder.



  232.  #232Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    Lilibee,

    I think you nailed it. Yes, it’s very probably what is on his mind.



  233.  #233Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    LiliBee, that may very well be exactly what’s going on with D, and I like what you said to him.

    You expressed what you would like, but at the same time you took the pressure off by expressing how you would feel in the same situation.

    Go YOU!!!!



  234.  #234Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    231 SA – Oops I think I was judging M’s ex as being a b*tch!

    But of course put yourself in her shoes, and maybe the situation would look entirely differently, especially if in her eyes, he’s done the wrong thing by her and she’s still hurting from it…

    I really need to watch that….



  235.  #235Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    BW, That’s actually exactly what he calls her πŸ˜‰



  236.  #236Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    Memulo, I had a thought earlier while I was taking a shower, about your situation.

    Since TH has taken a step back from me, I’ve embraced it and moved forward as though he’s completely out of my life (although he’s not), and that includes taking care of me.

    Yesterday is a good example. I felt sick, so I decided to look after me and just go home and rest. I wasn’t wanting or expecting TH to look after me, because I’m a single, independent woman who can look after herself. I did tell him I was going though, because we’d made plans for that night, so I felt I should at least let him know.

    Next he’s “escorting” me home. He even insisted that I give him the car keys so he could drive.

    It felt so wonderful to be looked after, but it wasn’t something I was “imposing” on him with my expectations, so he felt no pressure coming from me at all.

    I suppose when we show a man that we’ll be perfectly fine without them, that’s when they start to think “Uh oh, I’d better show her that she DOES need me!” and are compelled to step up.

    I hope that makes sense?

    xxx



  237.  #237Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    235 SA – Haha! I can see why he says so! But then again, who knows what her word for him is??? πŸ˜‰



  238.  #238Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    I have been peeking at M’s FB page all day.. and of course there’s nothing there. I know this is not good to peek.



  239.  #239Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    Awww, UK guy is going to do what he can to warm up the UK for me, so I can come visit! lol πŸ˜€



  240.  #240Siren Angel on September 6, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    BW, LOL!



  241.  #241LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Siren Angel,

    D used to flirt shamelessly right in front of me, with nlady and another sister-in-law in the family at 2 parties.

    Nlady’s husband put her back in her place by taking car of her.
    She never crosses over to D’s yard anymore, she never comes to talk to him at the fence anymore, she doesn’t even look at him anymore.
    She was always very in love with her husband, she just needed her husband’s attention…and it worked!
    He took care of her and she only has eyes for him now.

    When D confided to his cousin about me while crying his eyes out, the story came out through the family grapevine (absolutely not from me!)
    When I saw that sister-in-law at a family party, she said to me “Oh Hi! You’re D’s special lady…”
    She stayed completely away and ignored him totally.
    She would really go at him before.

    He never cheated on me with those women, it was just flirting I believe.
    But the 1 I did catch him with, creepily looked exactly like me.
    I mean same glasses, same hair colour and texture, same height, same face shape, same lips, same eye colour, same type of car.
    I even asked him “it feels so eery that she looks so much like me. You were so drunk, did ya mistake her for me?”

    I look back and it all feels ridiculous.

    The other woman was 16 years younger than him.
    He doesn’t want anymore children, and he doesn’t want a gf with young children: She has a 5 year old and a 7 year old.
    She told me that she told him that she only wanted a friend to spend time with but would never sleep with him again, it was a big mistake.
    When she found out he was still after me, she called me to say “You can do what you want, but I’m never speaking to that man again. He’s clearly not ever letting you go.”

    They were just distractions, he knew he didn’t have a future with any of them.
    He really beat himself up for it, and he cried a river both in front of me and with his confidant while I was completely over him and moved on.



  242.  #242LoveAlways on September 6, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Sinking into my feelings tonight. Don’t feel like hearing the news or watching politics or sports or even talking really. I feel secluded, and that feels safe right now.



  243.  #243LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Thanks BW and SA! πŸ™‚
    Your comments make me feel good.

    SA,

    I unfriended D on FB after finding him with that other woman.
    I was always tempted to go spy there.
    I hated how I felt when I did.
    So I just unfriended him.

    That was at the very end of January, and I have still NOT friended him back on FB.
    I can’t stand how bad I feel when I go spy on FB.

    Eventhough we’re not FB friends, I still went to spy on his profile a few weeks ago.
    I felt such a jealous angry turmoil when I saw he had friended a woman.
    I asked him “who is that lady you friended on FB Wednesday night?”
    He responded very spontaneously that she’s his sister’s bf from highschool.
    I definitely clearly feel it when he’s lying, so that was true.
    I felt ashamed and ridiculous like an immature schoolgirl.

    I don’t want to close my eyes, I just don’t want to feel bad, obsessed, tormented, angry, like I do when I spy on FB.



  244.  #244LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Siren Angel,

    D’s son is 13.
    I get along great with him when I’m alone with him.
    I give him a ride to the videostore, I bring him back to his mom’s.
    Sometimes I’ll be alone with him in the house when D’s doing something in the garage.
    He opens up and tells me what he thinks and feels.
    But very quickly, and clams up when D shows up.

    He is very cold when D and/or his mom are there.
    He won’t even answer my ‘hi’ or ‘how are you’.
    His parents tell him to answer and he doesn’t.
    He completely ignores me.

    I don’t know what that is all about.

    The other day while D was in the garage, we were alone in the kitchen and he said “It made me angry that you told dad that I only talk to you when he’s not around.”
    I didn’t get the chance to respond, D popped in and his son went outside and refused to talk about it again coz D was with us.
    I haven’t had a moment alone with him since, so I haven’t had a chance to say anything.
    I want him to know that I appreciate him telling me how he feels.

    Maybe I should have spoken directly to him 1st alone, to make him more comfortable speaking to me in front of his parents, before I said anything to D about it.

    I get along with his mom real well, and she’s totally happy living with her new man (for 5 years now).
    Though she’s still verbally abusive to D in front of their son.

    What do you moms think?



  245.  #245luzydel on September 6, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Oh Lilibee! I feel so triggered by reading about your D; I feel judgmental towards him, and the need to say something to rescue you!

    I am an warrior woman and I tend to feel like that; I do not like your D; he seems immature for his age, but I believe you are a smart woman who would know how to save yourself if you need to…



  246.  #246Femininewoman on September 6, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    β€œI would love to come home to you”

    “I want to be with you, but I don’t want you miserable.”
    LiliBee these statements sound heavy with responsibility to me. I don’t know if Rori would encourage these kinds of statements but I know she suggests saying I want a _______ relationship, not any specific man. I wonder what he hears when he hears those words. I am wondering if his withdrawal is significant of him being deep in himself working out how he will fit you in his life without much disruption?



  247.  #247Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    Hmmm LiliBee, that’s tough… maybe he’s like that in front of them as loyalty to each of his parents?

    I suppose you won’t know more until you have the opportunity to speak to him again, but that’s the feeling I get. Kids can be so traumatised when their parents split up, it’s difficult to know what exactly is prompting him to act that way.

    In saying that, the fact that he does open up to you when you’re alone is a VERY good thing. Many kids his age won’t talk to ANY adult ever (especially not their parents), so I feel positive about the fact that he does talk to you.



  248.  #248luzydel on September 6, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    my biggest practice this year is opening my heart… expressing how I feel without drama…

    Last year I cdated a lot, but was so uptight emotionally, now I am not cdating a lot, but every opportunity I get to show my vulnerability, I open up…

    I am discovering That I am a feminine woman, and that my issue with men is mostly expressing my feelings instead of staying quite…

    If I knew how to do this a while back; I would have saved (maybe) a few relationships…



  249.  #249Radlove on September 6, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    Practicing my “feeling messages” for my interview tomorrow:

    I am very interested in your company. I am confident I can do an excellent job for you. What is the next step in your hiring process?



  250.  #250Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    Ooooo! Crossing fingers for you Radlove! I really hope you get it!



  251.  #251LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    245:

    Luzydel,

    You feel like a big warm hug πŸ™‚
    Thank you for your feminine solidarity.

    I do know how to take care of myself…now.

    It only took me 3 weeks to get back on my feet.

    What I am learning is priceless, regardless of how this turns out.

    I do judge him as being immature too for his age.
    He didn’t accept his getting older before.
    But he is starting to admit that he can’t do that kind of life anymore.
    He has majorly slowed down on the drinking since we got back together.
    He admits to getting more tired sooner and more often.
    We were surrounded by 25 to 30 year olds over the weekend.
    In fact, we spent the whole weekend with these 5 young people.
    His age really hit him.
    He wasn’t fighting his tiredness, he would be the 1st one to go to bed saying “I’m getting older, I can’t follow.”
    He kept repeating that all weekend.

    He told me he appreciates how quiet and relaxing our time alone together is.

    I feel immature alot of times. I feel like I am in my parents’ role bringing myself up.
    I am growing up so much by all he triggers in me.
    That is what is so good for me.

    Maybe when I feel I’ve reached the most growth possible with him, that’s when I will want to leave.
    Or maybe we will grow together, and our relationship will grow…who knows.

    We will either grow apart or grow together.



  252.  #252Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    LiliBee, you sound to me like you know you’ll be ok no matter what happens with him. Yay!

    I’m the same now with TH. I have no idea of we will get back together or not. I know he doesn’t want me to meet anyone else, but at the same time he’s not yet ready to “claim” me either.

    I’m not sitting on my hands waiting though, and even though I’m sick, I do really want to go to the concert I have tickets for tonight.

    He’s not happy about me going and is saying how bad it looks to take a day off work then go out that night. I just reminded him that I’m working from home and have not actually taken a day off.

    I’m sure he just doesn’t want me to go in case I meet someone new.

    Oh and I’m as immature as they come most of the time, but mature when it’s important to be that way.

    xxx



  253.  #253Kim on September 6, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    I have been trying to keep up with eveyones post for the past few nights. I have been working 13 hour days but it’s kept me from calling him for a few nights while reading. Except I gave in tonight. I am very upset with myself because he didn’t answer. I shouldn’t have called him because he called me at 1 am. Apparently he didn’t have two minutes during normal times???



  254.  #254LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    246:

    Well FW,

    He is definitely in a better mood since I said that to him.
    He is alot less spaced out and more present in the way he speaks.

    He must have felt resentful of having to give up his presence in his passion project, hence his coldness.

    He found out at work and at hockey that he can temporarily change his schedule and change back as long as he gives 2 weeks notice.
    So he gets the opportunity to alternate and have both me and his project.

    Meanwhile, I got zumba 2x a week and friends to hang out with πŸ™‚



  255.  #255Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    Gooooo LiliBee!!! πŸ™‚



  256.  #256LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    247:

    BW,

    D asked him 2x why he was so cold with me and he didn’t want to say.
    He just said “I don’t know, no reason.”

    He’s super friendly when we’re alone together.
    He’s fine with his mom’s bf (they live together).

    So far, I haven’t done anything about it, I let D handle it.
    I don’t want to step on D’s toes.
    I’ll talk to D about it and ask him what he thinks I should do.



  257.  #257LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    Siren Angel,

    You must be off to bed already.

    So when do we go for that drink?



  258.  #258Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    Does he live mostly with his mother?

    Could it be that he feels loyalty towards her and doesn’t want the “world” to know that he actually likes you? Or it could be that he’s now sure how long you will be around for, based on your history with D?

    He seems confused to me, but the fact that he even expressed he was unhappy with you telling D tells me that he’s quite a mature and good kid.

    I’m sure it’ll be sorted soon enough.



  259.  #259BAB on September 6, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    Thank you Stix. Hope you have a great night! πŸ™‚



  260.  #260LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    Hang in there Kim!

    I feel sad to see you beat yourself up.
    I do that too sometimes.
    It makes me feel worse.
    Please give yourself compassion.
    We all stumble, it’s part of the growing pains.
    Get back up and dust yourself off.



  261.  #261Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    I’ve made a decision…

    I want to be with a guy who is totally crazy about me.

    Yeah!

    Ok, now where is he…? πŸ˜‰



  262.  #262LiliBee on September 6, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    Good night sirens.

    I’m feeling really sleepy. I hope I feel perky at work tomorrow.



  263.  #263Turquoise on September 6, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    FW, I’m so glad Mr. Conversation has his dreams! If you are going to dream, dream big right? He was very successful in his past, lost it due to some unexpected circumstances and his marriage really took a tole on it as well. So I feel really glad he has these big dreams to focus on and move him forward. I really believe the worst thing that happens in an unhappy or fulfilling relationship, is getting stuck. Moving on us hard. He’s extremely motivated, I told him he should be a life coach. So, hopefully this will stick, he’ll get unstuck, feel accomplished, boost his ego, and start to feel good about himself consistently again. We shall see what happens!



  264.  #264Turquoise on September 6, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    Butterfly Wings, I want that too! Look up Wanted by Hunter Hayes. That’s what I want! Someone who feels that way about me. Mr. C. Might want to be the best at something, but I want to be the best thing that’s happened to someone, or at least for him to make me feel that way! πŸ™‚



  265.  #265Turquoise on September 6, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    “Wanted” (Official Video) (http://www.hunterhayes.com/content/wanted-official-video)

    This is what I want! πŸ˜‰



  266.  #266Emerson on September 6, 2012 at 9:17 pm

    (((Kim))) be gentle with yourself many of us have been there….and probably will be again.

    I for one have for sure called and later regretted it. But tomorrow is a new day…

    ((hugs))



  267.  #267Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    Yeah I’m with your Turquoise – beautiful song!



  268.  #268baby steps on September 6, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    89 Dominic, thank you. Will try to put your advice into action.

    In long term relationships, it is easy to take certain things for granted/expected instead of appreciating them,

    At the beginning of the r/s, I was happy and excited whenever He texted or called πŸ™‚ these days, I take it for granted that he texts me daily and calls on the nights we don’t meet. It is only now that he isn’t communicating that I realize I miss him πŸ™

    I wish I knew what’s wrong… As I shared before, he stopped contacting me when I left my country for a short work stint ( 3 weeks ). He was still sending texts the day I left. I hated having to unitiate contact and getting relies only when I ask pointed questions.

    It’s day 4 of my leaning back, ie not initiating contact and it’s driving me crazy with fear,



  269.  #269baby steps on September 6, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    What I wish I can say to him…

    I love you dearly and wish I know why you arent initiating contact anymore. I’ve analyzed our last week together before I had to leave for work and can’t think of any reason why you are suddenly cold.

    We have been together for over 5 years and I can’t imagine life without you.

    I am now afraid to go home next month. Is this the end of us? If I don’t contact you, will you just walk out it my life like that?



  270.  #270Daria on September 6, 2012 at 11:11 pm

    I wish to see sirens CD ! Yayyaayy

    I feel sad sleepy kinda not clean in my mouth and my throat a lil sore and my lower bottom a lil cold.

    And I want to go poo.

    And my eyes are closing back.

    Two hours of bed wakin up me time now. Yay I have 2 hours to wake up I can take my time

    Yawn

    Jerk

    Yay

    I feel bored

    Orr. I miss man holds and attention in person

    I feel sleepy

    Last nite I felt excited about tapping today to heal that urgency and pain – and judgment – behind wanting to go out and be flashy

    I never did learn to tie a bow in my apron behind my back like the other girls in kindergarten. I don’t know if I’d know how to do it Now.

    More stiff to heal and tap on

    Easier to approach and deal cuz my lil girl trusts me. Yes I trust me. I can be there for me while I feel my feelings.

    Even ones w thoughts of suicide.

    I feel so glad yay I’m not healing young stuff and

    I even realized that all that about being a boy was from the womb. My dad wanted it and he’s a powerful magician.

    πŸ™‚

    Note to self make sure man magic supports me and is on board w me yeahah



  271.  #271Butterfly Wings on September 6, 2012 at 11:57 pm

    I feel soooo disappointed in both my sister and one of my “closest” friends.

    Both were supposed to be coming tonight to a concert we had tickets for, and they’ve both cancelled on me.

    I feel both disappointed and very, very angry right now…
    πŸ™



  272.  #272Emerson on September 7, 2012 at 12:09 am

    (((Bw)))

    Daria I like your two hour wakeup time idea πŸ™‚

    Dancing siren it’s nice to see you and I enjoy reading your updates and always feel enlightened and / or warm hearted



  273.  #273Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 12:17 am

    Thanks Emerson.

    I have another friend who I “think” may be wanting to go with me, but she has babysitting issues to sort out.

    If not, I’ll treat myself to Thai food tonight – my fave place is just down the road. πŸ™‚



  274.  #274Daria on September 7, 2012 at 12:18 am

    Emerson πŸ™‚



  275.  #275ruth on September 7, 2012 at 12:22 am

    146 Smile
    feels good to to hear that you will be doing the park runs



  276.  #276ruth on September 7, 2012 at 12:27 am

    soooooooo Much to read back on yet again and so much to learn

    laters
    x



  277.  #277Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 12:44 am

    I feel tempted to push TH off my horse instead of just putting him on the back of it…

    Somebody PLEASE stop me!!! πŸ™



  278.  #278Daria on September 7, 2012 at 12:54 am

    I’m feeling smily and happy . I feel more open to my sexuality. I feel sleepy.

    I feel excited to wash my clothes in the Goddess machine.



  279.  #279Tam on September 7, 2012 at 1:04 am

    277 BW – I will stop you. Don’t push him off, let’s see what he brings to the table first πŸ˜‰
    It’s your sense of urgency speaking maybe?

    The reason why I am writing this is that I can so so identify. I keep thinking about dropping (for good) MrP all the time and then I breathe and remember to let things unfold and that I don’t need to drop anyone…let the best man step forward, whoever that is. Right now it is nobody..haha!



  280.  #280Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 1:36 am

    I think it’s my need for control Tam… If I end it, then I know EXACTLY where things stand. I’m sure you understand how that feels! πŸ™‚

    Argh! I nearly texted before, but took a deep breath and stopped.

    Anyway, I’m in a slightly better mood now, thanks to a girlfriend who has stepped up and wants to join me tonight.

    I was so worried I’d be sitting at home wondering what TH is doing (he’s out – I was invited too, but declined because I had concert tickets – no thanks to my sister who stood me up!)… Sigh…



  281.  #281Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 1:51 am

    Ok, I can’t help myself. Instead of pushing him off my horse, I’ve decided to take a break from him and have decided I won’t see him next week at all.

    So I won’t be going to the gym with him either.

    I need time to think and be with just me and my daughter…



  282.  #282Tam on September 7, 2012 at 2:01 am

    281. BW, that sounds like a great idea.
    Yes, need for control, exactly. I struggle with that so much. I still can’t get my head around not controlling stuff, people and the outcome. letting go of all of it seems easy when you don’t care about the guy, but when you do it all goes hay wire.
    That’s where the work is. Pffff.
    I tend to push things away when I feel like I have no control and it’s really not good. So I try not to and not let this sense of urgency mess with my head…
    Ommmmmmmm!!
    πŸ˜‰



  283.  #283Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 2:04 am

    I just want to be with somebody who is absolutely crazy about me. TH isn’t . It’s obvious. So I am asking myself why I should bother keeping him there on my horse in the first place? Is it serving me??

    Yes, I get looked after physically, but it’s my heart that needs attention right now… sigh…

    Oh well hopefully tonight will be a great night and will take my mind off him.

    I’ve also put my gmail chat on “invisible” so he doesn’t try to message me…



  284.  #284Tam on September 7, 2012 at 2:15 am

    283 BW, I feel the same as you, also want someone to be crazy about me…but then I do wonder.
    I did have a guy who seemed crazy about me and I fell for it, in the end it was just an infatuation and never led anywhere.
    Men also have different ways of expressing their love, some are crazily in love and all over you with ‘I love you’s’ and others fix your house, car or whatever to show their love, and stay with you throughout time and space…but they don’t ever ‘go crazy’ for you…
    I don’t know anymore.



  285.  #285Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 2:19 am

    After over 20 years of dating, I wouldn’t have a clue either Tam.

    My most recent ex wore his heart on his sleeve. I knew EXACTLY where I stood with him from day 1. I never ever felt insecure in our relationship until the day I found out he’d cheated.

    So now, while I’m feeling down like this, I wonder if there are ANY good men out there.

    I should stop that actually. I KNOW there are. I just haven’t found one yet…

    Blah…



  286.  #286Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 2:22 am

    I’m kind of kicking myself now too, because some time ago a friend introduced me to a guy who I was REALLY attracted to. He’s a bit of a player so I was very wary, but he did make some moves on me.

    In the end (probably because I was wary) I told him that I had feelings for TH so nothing could happen with us.

    He has just had his gf and her kids move in with him. So yeah he may have been a player once, but it seems he was almost ready to settle down when I told him to go away. Dammit… he was a great guy too….



  287.  #287Tam on September 7, 2012 at 2:24 am

    well, a lot of the good men in my age group are in good marriages and good relationships….but hey. i haven’t given up hope yet πŸ˜‰



  288.  #288baby steps on September 7, 2012 at 2:25 am

    BW, I feel sad to read that you feel TH isn’t the man for you.

    Yesterday you shared that he gave you tender kisses and went over to your office to drive you home. These gestures were unexpected and they made you feel cared for.

    Was there something he did or didn’t do today to make you feel differently ? ( this question comes across as masculine… I apologize as I can’t think of a feminine way to express this )



  289.  #289Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 2:30 am

    It’s ok baby steps and you’re right. Sometimes he IS the sweetest guy. But the rest of the time I really don’t feel “loved”. At all.

    I think that’s why I need to take at least a step back from him and work out what I want.

    I know I’m hormonal too, I’m upset with my sister, plus I’m still getting over the depression, so it’s possible I’m blowing things out of proportion.

    Oh and “upset” with my sister is an understatement. She told me her daughter (my niece) couldn’t make it because she had a “really bad headache”. Well it seems she’s healed thanks to some pics she just posted on FB.

    I could have been out with TH tonight helping a mutual friend celebrate his birthday, but I turned down the invitation because I didn’t want to let my sister/niece down. And what do I get in return?? RAWR! So mad… πŸ™



  290.  #290baby steps on September 7, 2012 at 2:43 am

    Butterfly Wings *super big hug*

    I hear you and feel you…. Feeling loved is so v v important…
    A guy can say I love you but when we don’t feel the love, it means nothing.

    Another hug to you. It must be frustrating when you prioritize someone over spending time with TH AND then get stood up.



  291.  #291Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 2:50 am

    TH has NEVER said the L word. Ever.

    He shows he cares through the things he does sometimes, but I’m not sure it’s as intense as love.

    After 2.5 years, if he’s not feeling it now, surely it’ll never happen?? I am wondering why I bother….

    And yeah I feel pretty crappy about my sister standing me up, but thankfully two friends have now stepped up to take the tickets, so there’ll be three of us, which is good. πŸ™‚



  292.  #292baby steps on September 7, 2012 at 2:52 am

    I wish we will all have a happy loving relationship like Rori



  293.  #293Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 2:53 am

    Hmm… it’s been 2.5 years. If he doesn’t love me now, how can he surely start loving me in the future???

    I’m really doubting it’ll ever happen. Has it ever happened with someone before?

    Thankfully I’m not sitting around at home alone every night, otherwise things would be feeling very depressing right now… lol



  294.  #294Tam on September 7, 2012 at 2:57 am

    293 – BW, how do you know that he doesn’t love you?

    I felt very unloved by a man who constantly told me that he loved me and he wanted me ‘forever’, well the first small hurdle came and I never saw him again.

    I feel very loved by someone who never said ‘I love you’, and perhaps he doesn’t but some things he does for me certainly feel like love…

    I know, it is all very confusing, but words are just words at the end of the day and words are cheap. look at the actions..



  295.  #295baby steps on September 7, 2012 at 3:01 am

    Tam, you expressed it so beautifully



  296.  #296Annie on September 7, 2012 at 3:06 am

    Ty Siren Angel and feminewoman from previous thread.

    Hugs about your facebook issue SA.
    I really believe that if you stick to Roris tools leanback, CD and process and sink into your feelings you will be at a different place before you know it.
    You have to stick to it and not contact or lean forward though if you want to break this pattern transform and be in a better feeling place.

    I would see pics and comments that a man who I was emotionally involved with on his FB.
    The pain I felt was excruciating like a knife through my heart.
    I really now believe that we think this is love and get this confused because of that crossroads in our lives where we labeled pain as love and got them mixed up.

    To go there and process this pain felt like my heart breaking shattering.
    I opened myself up to it and surrendered to a higher source and you know what instead of wanting him more I started to feel repelled and no didn’t want a man like that..
    I would read flirty comments he wrote to other girls and my gut instinct new beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wanted me to see them and want him more.
    At one time I would have wanted even more if I saw other women enjoying and engaging in flirty comments with him and being charmed.
    But Doing Roris tools commitment blueprint seven steps and processing and sinking into my feelings surrendering to a higher power inner bonding I started to transform.

    I began to feel repelled by this behavior and have nothing to do with a man who behaved like that and naturally wanted to go in the opposite direction.
    At one time just like you I would have wanted to contact and voice my anger verbally move into his space and attack.
    Not any more. That behavior now feels YUCK to me.
    This wasn’t me pretending I really did transform and feel like that.

    He turned up again not long after I had let go started to move on and the conversation naturally came up with him leading and me following. I spoke my truth and said i felt repelled and turned off I had got past the feeling hurt stage was in a different place.
    He was shocked expecting me to want him and begging me to see him, saying how sorry he was that he had repelled me and turned me off and wanted me to break my plans to see him.

    I would have dropped my plans at one time and run back to his arms. Not this time no chance. He begged for ages for me to go and see him or to come to me said he felt compelled to turn up at my door but was scared I would shut the door in his face and tell him to go away.
    I would have. I do not want him as he is. He would have to prove to me that he had changed for good transformed grown up for me to ever really want him and give him another chance.
    As he is at the moment he is not good for me.

    I know you are able to get to a better place if you do the tools and work through the anxiety that will show up especially when you wake up in the morning.

    X



  297.  #297Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 3:08 am

    Well he tells me (and others) he “cares” for me a lot. He told me last night that he “likes me”.

    My sister was once trying to get it out of him if he “loved” me but he refused to say it.

    I just don’t “feel” it from him. Yes he does sweet things for me, but he has done sweet things for his other female friends in the past who he was not even in a “relationship” with, so I don’t know.

    I just want to “feel” wanted, like that song Turquoise posted earlier. And right this second I really don’t.

    In fact, when I go out and end up with men all over me, I feel MORE coming from them than I do with TH. Maybe it’s because they just want me in bed, but I still feel more wanted than I often do with TH…

    One thing for sure though, I definitely do not love him as much as I did a month ago. I suppose this break has showed me that I’m much more capable and accepting of being alone than I thought I would be. πŸ™‚



  298.  #298Siren Angel on September 7, 2012 at 3:33 am

    BW,

    I believe I have a CC newsletter somewhere that’s called ‘Do you want him to say I love you’ or something alone those lines.

    I have to rush out this morning but I will check in my email when I come back later today.



  299.  #299RiverGirl on September 7, 2012 at 3:38 am

    Has anyone else listened to Rori’s interview with Dr Ali Binazir? (Tao of Dating)
    http://taoofdating.com/women/

    I listened to it today and something that really jumped out at me was when he said that the on again, off again hot/cold behaviour of men that we find so frustrating in our relationships is not just something that makes us anxious, it is actually a big part of what CREATES the attraction in the first place!

    Eegads!!! What’s a girl to do?! I guess awareness helps us to realise what’s happening and that will keeps us from getting so worked up about it. Hmmm, but if we’re not so worried, that probably means we’re not as attracted.
    Enter stage left: Mr Consistency who just wants to tell us he loves us and do good things for us.
    “Huh? Mr who?”



  300.  #300Siren Angel on September 7, 2012 at 3:38 am

    Annie,

    ((((Annie))))

    I have to rush this morning, but your comment resonates with me and I want to thank you for your words and story. That must have been so hurtful and disapointing. I know the pain you are talking about. Last time we broke up in January, M posted a sexy video of ‘Brunettes are hotter’ whereas I was very blond at the time. I felt very hurt and also turned off and very upset.

    I am in a little better place this morning. I am feeling confident and trustful that somehow he will do right by me. I know I really need to focus on me and it’s taking me a little longer this time to get there. Thank you for the reminder to do the tools.

    xx



  301.  #301Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 3:39 am

    A good friend gave me this book, which I’m about to start reading:

    Are you the one for me? Knowing who’s right and avoiding who’s wrong…

    By Barbara de Angelis

    And from the back:

    You’ll learn:
    – Why you’ve chosen the partners you have – and how to make better choices.

    – How much sexual chemistry you and your partner really have.

    – The ten types of relationships that don’t work.

    – How your childhood memories may be affecting your love life.

    – The six essential qualities to look for in a mate.

    – How to avoid making the biggest mistakes in love.

    – How to spot fatal flaws in a partner.

    – Why you may be falling in love for the wrong reasons.

    – How to avoid compatibility time bombs.

    If you’re single or divorced: read this book to understand why your past choices weren’t right for you and learn how to make a healthy, successful choice next time.

    If you’re in love: read this book to make 100% sure whether or not this relationship is the one for you.

    If you’re married: read this book to understand and balance your differences so you can live more peacefully and passionately together.

    Well… it sounds interesting! I will post my reviews as I go along! I might even learn something new!

    My friend wrote inside the cover (she’s read this and lives by it):

    BW, this book will tell you. Be wise.

    Love forever, B.

    She is such a sweetheart and has told me that now that she has met “the one”, she says that this book was totally spot on.

    I wonder if she’s right – I will soon find out I’m sure! πŸ˜‰



  302.  #302Siren Angel on September 7, 2012 at 3:42 am

    Lilibee,

    Yay! i am picking my son today for 1 whole week, so let me see if I can get a babysitter for next week as we both need to change our vibes fast. Otherwise, it will have to go to the following week. I will message you on FB.



  303.  #303Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 3:42 am

    298 Siren Angel – oh that would be great! Thank you! πŸ™‚



  304.  #304Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 3:44 am

    302 – Oooh I am so happy that you two are making plans to catch up! And now I feel envious… lol πŸ˜‰



  305.  #305Radlove on September 7, 2012 at 3:46 am

    I was talking to someone recently about psychological abuse, and I remembered the name of the former nun who is a psychiatrist:

    Michele Toomey

    Her website is http://www.mtoomey.com/ about liberation psychology. I wish I could remember who I meant to direct this too.



  306.  #306Siren Angel on September 7, 2012 at 3:48 am

    oh… Lilibee!

    M’s kids do the same with me. When they are warm and cuddly with me and confide with me, it’s when he’s not around… And they act aloof with me when he is there, but not always. Although i can totally see their game. They are telling their dad they are not happy with the situation of the divorce and they somehow use me to get the message across. Also i see clearly that they want to be close to their dad so much, that they push me away, and this gets heightened on vacation in their behavior with me.



  307.  #307Daria on September 7, 2012 at 4:14 am

    I’m feeling so excited! People’s criticisms… That is my MOMs criticism are starting to not bother me very long!

    I felt bothered for a short while, was there for my girl to feel her feelings… And wow! I’m feeling better And open!

    This feels amazing Ohhhh parenting myself like this feels amazingly awesome !



  308.  #308Daria on September 7, 2012 at 4:16 am

    My lil girl is in my arms now as I type πŸ™‚ I’m hugging her w my other hand and she’s giggling at what were typing πŸ™‚ :). Hehe



  309.  #309Daria on September 7, 2012 at 4:18 am

    Am feeling just Fantastic!!!!!



  310.  #310Senara on September 7, 2012 at 4:25 am

    Good morning Sirens!

    I am so productive! Since I couldn’t cook yesterday, I just cooked a nice Garlic Roasted Chicken this morning, it smells heavenly here now and I can’t wait to taste it. πŸ™‚



  311.  #311Autumn on September 7, 2012 at 4:39 am

    Hi Ladies

    I have not posted for a while but i need advice πŸ™

    I was supposed to have dinner with Him tonight but he did not show or contact me to let me know he will be late or won’t make it. I know he had a pretty big meeting which appears to have run late into the night. But still that is no excuse.

    I am angry and i want to snap at him when i see him next. or punish him by ignoring him. I know i should lean back and be cool and use feeling msgs to tell him how upset i was he did not make an effort to contact me but right now i am just too mad.

    Help πŸ™



  312.  #312Memulo on September 7, 2012 at 4:50 am

    Thank you BW!

    We had a date last night and it happened so that he traveled very far and with a lot of traffic to see me and was apologizing that he arrived a bit late. i was feeling very tired and hungry and he took me to a best place to eat, though he wasn’t hungry himself and he wanted me to order half of the menu;) He kept on saying good things about me and was affectionate. He took me home and left when I said I feel really tired and want to sleep.

    Go figure



  313.  #313Memulo on September 7, 2012 at 4:52 am

    Autumn,

    he can still contact you? Is it dinner time yet?



  314.  #314Tam on September 7, 2012 at 4:54 am

    312 – wow Memulo!!! Sounds good, no??



  315.  #315Memulo on September 7, 2012 at 5:00 am

    He asked why I am not organizing a trip to a store to get my bday gift.



  316.  #316Autumn on September 7, 2012 at 5:02 am

    Memulo

    Its 10pm now so i already ate and did my own thing. i did not msg or contact him since we spoke earlier in the day regarding dinner. I feel hurt that he could not be bothered to contact me, though i understand that things my have gotten away from him πŸ™

    I am trying not to be paranoid. At least i dont feel as angry now….



  317.  #317Tam on September 7, 2012 at 5:07 am

    Memulo, did this change come about because you leaned back? Good news.



  318.  #318Memulo on September 7, 2012 at 5:16 am

    Autumn, you did thr tight thing. Can be a misunderstanding just lean back and wait



  319.  #319Autumn on September 7, 2012 at 5:37 am

    Memulo

    Thanks. He just said he ‘forgot’ πŸ™ says he is sorry. I used feeling msgs but the whole evening has been a mess πŸ™



  320.  #320Memulo on September 7, 2012 at 5:46 am

    Tam, no reason really. I rarely lean fwd at the end anyway. Thank you;)



  321.  #321Goddess Lily on September 7, 2012 at 5:48 am

    Sirens,

    I need guidance. Bear with me this might be a long explanation.

    I am feeling anxious and fearful for two reasons. First, I feel fear about my recent breakup. I worry about his state of mind and what he may do (I changed my locks but he has my garage door opener) and what he may say to others as we have a few mutual friends. He has never been dangerous but I learned from a previous relationship that you don’t really know a man until he reaches a point where he feels like he isn’t in control. And that can be scary. I’m scared of what friends will think of me if they hear his side, truth or not.



  322.  #322Goddess Lily on September 7, 2012 at 5:59 am

    Sirens,

    I need guidance. Bear with me this might be a long explanation.

    I am feeling anxious and fearful for two reasons. First, I feel fear about my recent breakup. I worry about his state of mind and what he may do (I changed my locks but he has my garage door opener) and what he may say to others as we have a few mutual friends. He has never been dangerous but I learned from a previous relationship that you don’t really know a man until he reaches a point where he feels like he isn’t in control. And that can be scary. I’m scared of what friends will think of me if they hear his side, truth or not. He is upset because I chose to not go on a very expensive two week cruise with him that we had been looking forward to for the last year. He wanted me to still go even though we won’t be together anymore. Plus a lot of his family will be there. The cruise is still months away so he thinks we will be friends by then. I think it will still feel uncomfortable.

    Second, I worry about the girl friends I have met through him. They weren’t his friends, just part of a larger circle. I feel fear that I can’t trust them. How well do I know them? Do they discuss me and my relationship when I’m not around? I felt like my friend was covering her phone when she was texting last night. Is this feeling intuition or paranoia?

    I have very few girl friends so the thought of not being able to trust or possibly lose them terrifies me.



  323.  #323Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 6:03 am

    Goddess Lily when my cousin and her husband separated he reached out to everyone in the family telling us that she is a lesbian. She was worried and wanted to explain. When she asked me what to do I told her its her life to live anyway she wants to. Explain nothing to no one let him burn himself out. The truth will be known. She took the advice. Eventually his true colors showed.



  324.  #324Goddess Lily on September 7, 2012 at 6:03 am

    Oops, posting on a phone, sorry for double posting



  325.  #325LiliBee on September 7, 2012 at 6:08 am

    306:

    Goodmorning SA,

    D’s sister told D that his son has no reason to not like me, that he would be that way with any woman in D’s life.

    His son is extremely demanding on D.
    The mom encourages that behaviour coz she felt he neglected both of them while they were together.
    She’s very controlling masculine energy.

    I don’t know what else to do except lean back.

    D did say he would talk to his son about it again.
    I didn’t ask, but noticed his son was responsive to me in front of D when we went to see him before we left for vacation alone together.

    He’s starting this teen attitude of being very standoffish to both his parents, so nevermind me.
    That’s why I don’t take it too personal.

    I remember it took my brother 10 years before he spoke to my mom’s new partner, and also to my dad’s new partner.



  326.  #326LiliBee on September 7, 2012 at 6:11 am

    302:

    Yey SA! πŸ™‚

    See ya on FB.
    Can’t go on FB today, we’re blocked at work, but maybe tonight.



  327.  #327BAB on September 7, 2012 at 6:13 am

    Thoughts on sex with out intestacy/being a booty call for your man.
    Why do i feel the need to get snuggled or some sort of affection, after being waken up by him, for him.
    Can anyone else out there relate?



  328.  #328Calypso on September 7, 2012 at 6:15 am

    Goddess Lily – You can reprogram your garage door opener to a different frequency, so the one he has will no longer work. Or, you could try a feeling message with him and ask for the opener back – if he is hoping the two of you will be friends in the future, he may respond well to the request.

    I’m wondering what you are worried about your girlfriends saying about you – why would it even matter? I mean, gossip is not healthy, but as soon as you stop adding fuel to it, it will burn out. Maybe the friend texting was saying something personal to a man she was texting . . . I often text with a CD when out with girlfriends – I sure would not want them to read everything i say…

    My advice would be to try to relax and just be yourself. Don’t let your ex get inside your head. I’ve been there – you will make yourself crazy if you give him that power.



  329.  #329LiliBee on September 7, 2012 at 6:40 am

    304:

    But BW, you have Peaches.



  330.  #330Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Goddess Lily my concern would be if you are in physical danger. One friend of Rori who is also a coach had a similar experience. Virgina Feingold Clark. I suspect she might be able to help



  331.  #331Mel on September 7, 2012 at 6:45 am

    Welcome baby steps!

    You had asked about the use of FMs in the last post… using positive ones vs negative ones.

    I thought I would share a little… πŸ™‚

    When I was a new baby siren, I found FMs very difficult. ESPECIALLY when things were feeling bad. My life at the time felt stuck and unhappy and difficult. I found that in these moments, expressing FMs in a non-blamey way felt nearly impossible. So I told myself the bad feeling messages. I found it helped me to just feel my feelings. It didn’t hatter if they were uttered outloud…heard.

    I’m feeling very angry right now… what can I do about that?

    I’m feeling really alone and unloved… how can I love myself better?

    So I practiced these negative FMs on myself… and eventually I got better at expressing myself to others.

    Likewise, at first I found it difficult to express positive FMs too. It didn’t feel authentic. I wasn’t feeling positive about my relationship at all. So I started with telling myself positive things… I feel so pretty today. The breeze feels so warm and tickle-y on my skin! It helped me to feel more positive in general- despite the bad stuff going on in my life.

    Eventually FMs just started pouring out of me naturally, without even thinking about it too much. And I feel much better not keeping all of my emotions inside.



  332.  #332Goddess Lily on September 7, 2012 at 6:47 am

    FW and Calypso,

    Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate it and I’m feeling calmer already. I have no real reason to believe I am in physical danger. I just know you really don’t know a man until he feels real loss, even though it was definitely mutual.



  333.  #333LoveAlways on September 7, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Good morning sirens

    Gave my power speech to hscd and he stepped up large!!
    I was truly surprised at how fast this happened. It feels unreal. I feel scared a little, but more like anticipation. He wants to be with me forever and I dont have to guess or wonder what he feels. OMG, Rori’s tools worked. I had never given that speech before. I need to go gather my feelings. I’m a nervous wreck.

    Namaste

    LoveAlways



  334.  #334Daria on September 7, 2012 at 6:57 am

    Wow yay Love Always!



  335.  #335Tam on September 7, 2012 at 6:57 am

    333 Love Always. That sounds amazing. Do you feel to elaborate, I’d love to hear more on the power speech and what happened..



  336.  #336Daria on September 7, 2012 at 6:59 am

    ‘Likewise, at first I found it difficult to express positive FMs too. It didn’t feel authentic. I wasn’t feeling positive about my relationship at all. So I started with telling myself positive things… I feel so pretty today. The breeze feels so warm and tickle-y on my skin! It helped me to feel more positive in general- despite the bad stuff going on in my life.’

    Wow thanks Mel! This feels inspiring

    I feel happy and excited yay I have a new tool to practice



  337.  #337Mel on September 7, 2012 at 7:01 am

    I am feeling silly today!

    And also a little homesick… Not sure how the two can go together…



  338.  #338Mel on September 7, 2012 at 7:02 am

    I want to play…

    Thanks Daria!



  339.  #339LiliBee on September 7, 2012 at 7:16 am

    333:

    Wow Love Always!

    I feel so happy and inspired to read that πŸ™‚

    Care to share what you said?



  340.  #340Calypso on September 7, 2012 at 7:23 am

    I’m seeing JC tonight – we have both been very busy all week, so have not ben together since Monday. Tonight I am participating in a Zombie Flas Mob to advertise for a charity event. JC is going to come watch me and then be my date at the after-party. I’m going to be wearing zombie clothes and makeup- including nasty teeth – yuck! I feel very nervous that JC will be repulsed by me . . . It should be a lot of fun, tho . . . hopefully he will enjoy watch me dance to Thriller in the street downtown – see my playful side.



  341.  #341Mel on September 7, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Last night I was feeling all cuddle-needy and I surprised myself by just getting out of bed and going upstairs to snuggle with my dogs. I then realized that I was feeling quite prickly, so it was really no surprise that I was not receiving the cuddles I “needed”. Funny.



  342.  #342Mel on September 7, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Ooooh! Flash-mob! That sounds super fun!



  343.  #343CurvySiren10 on September 7, 2012 at 7:33 am

    I am not caught up on reading yet (so I may have missed stuff) but I really wanted to say a few things here.

    First, yesterday there was some talk from Turquoise and others about how hard it is to “do” a relationship, very pessimistic kind of stuff…and believe me, I get that. I had a very difficult marriage. My ex was controlling and I was a doormat. That is the Reader’s Digest version. But I am telling you ladies that there ARE guys who want healthy relationships. There ARE guys who know how to do it. And I say this NOT to discourage our boundaries in any way, but I think we need to be VERY cautious about what it is what are really looking for.

    And I really want to talk more about the amazing relationship I’m in right now and WHY it is so amazing, but I don’t want to step on any toes either. I will say this… it’s not about the perfect man or someone meeting all of my “requirements”. It’s about communication, and the ability to resolve conflict together and keeping the attraction strong and active at all times. Doing that requires making sure there are no “pieces of paper” (resentments) between us that dull the attraction (think magnet and steel. the only way to dull that attraction is by having things “between” it)

    There is SO much more I could say here. And I will as time marches on. But in the meantime, I want to encourage all of you to stay open and curious. And really consider the RELATIONSHIP you want as Rori always says…vs. any specific man.

    Oh, and BW… the man I’m engaged to didn’t say the L word for 2.5 years. I know that Dominique’s K didn’t say it for 3 years and still rarely does. But he said it all the time in the way he treated me. He DOES say it now. Not sure what changed with him, but I am glad I didn’t let it be a deciding factor for our relationship during the time I was so frustrated about it.

    Arggh, so much more I want to say but I must get some work done now. Back soon I hope…



  344.  #344MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 7:34 am

    Hi again BAB!

    I want to get this one right…

    Are you saying he is doing midnight wake-ups with no snuggling afterwards??

    Not kosher! But not a huge problem. If this IS what you’re talking about, can you describe to us his demeanor/actions afterwards IE: is he rolling over and falling back asleep?

    And also your demeanor IE: are you into this sex or are you begrudgingly accepting it, and then fuming when the intimacy lacks?



  345.  #345Calypso on September 7, 2012 at 7:34 am

    Mel – I think it will be a lot of fun, but I am not very good at organized dancing . . . I have to memorize the steps and I just know I will be zombie staggering right when everyone else is zombie staggering left – lol.

    It is advertising for a Zombie 5K run taking place next month for a charity event. I will be a zombie then too – chasing the runners in the 5K. Should be a blast.

    This is one of the things I decided to do to help keep my mind off of GM and to meet new people. It will be interesting to see JC in this environment – how he responds to me in Zombie mode and all of the folks who will be at the after-party – most of them are new to me too – I really only “know” a couple of them.



  346.  #346MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 7:40 am

    In my experience midnight sex was not something I got in my marriage. So when I got it with G it was confusing and upsetting when he did not cuddle me after.

    I don’t believe it is second nature to them to snuggle ESPECIALLY after a quick midnight wake up. But, a change in attitude towards the sex and a few words and he curls up around me afterwards now every time.

    Giving sex when we aren’t into it is a no no. That doesn’t mean to withold it! I never say no unless i’m on my period. Never. BUT I had to learn to always be fully present and into it or else I would have to start saying no. Which is actually not what I want. I want lots of sexI And I want to be woken up.



  347.  #347Tam on September 7, 2012 at 7:50 am

    Curvysiren….yay..what a great post!!!
    So much hope there for all of us.
    I like the ‘paper between steel’ thing very much.
    But, it does take two to tango to remove the resentments, and it is finding a man who has the willingness to engage in the communication that will ensure a healthy relationship.
    Sadly many are unable or unwilling to do it and prefer to stay behind walls….and to be honest, I was the same and am trying hard to change that. Not easy.
    Also very interesting about the ‘L’ word….that is my eperience also. After I had somebody say it to me all the time, with very little meanting attached to it – and even pressured me to say it back to him….I now find it unnecessary as an affirmation of (anybody’s) love. Which doesn’t mean I don’t like hearing it.
    I love hearing it, sure.
    But not hearing it wouldn’t make or break a relationship. There are a few people in my life whom I have not told outright: I love you.
    But they know I do, and I know that they know I do!
    Same thing.



  348.  #348Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 7:52 am

    Autumn you are ASSUMING he did not make an effort to contact you. As phones misfire sometimes I would wait to see what he says. He could have lost track of the time then got scared of your possible reaction. If this happened in the past I would change my reaction.

    It feels so confusing when I hear nothing. I feel kinda crummy waiting for people. It would feel better to be kept in the loop.



  349.  #349MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 7:59 am

    Morning Sirens!!

    I had such a sireny moment last night and I felt so cute, girly, and cared for…

    I was laying on the couch with my head in G’s lap. We had been teasing each other and he was tickling me. Lots of fun! I was laying on my back and he had his hand in mine just kind of fidgeting. So when the commercial came on I squeezed his hand, shook it all around and said: “Ohhhmygawd I want a DQ cake for my birthday! mmmm and I want it to taste like strawberry cheesecake!” πŸ˜€ He said: “ohhh yeah? And I suppose it’s up to me to make that happen?”… I laughed and said: “Well…I suppose I could get someone else to get me one…” He lol’d and said “Uhhuh, DQ cake it is.” and messed up my hair. πŸ˜€

    In all honesty this stuff surprises me every day!!! 3 years ago I would have said “ooooooo I gotta get me a DQ cake for my birthday!” I would have gone out and bought it and then I would have given him a bigger piece :p Feel me?

    What was I thinking??? Sigh. Love to younger Stix. (((clueless stix)))



  350.  #350bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 8:01 am

    i’m really feeling sparkly about the italics…. yum !



  351.  #351Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 8:04 am

    It is reported that the sleep hormone in men increases after sex.



  352.  #352Calypso on September 7, 2012 at 8:07 am

    I have been drinking Shakeology for breakfast for 2 weeks now and it is really starting to make a difference in my energy level and I am losing weight – sweet! It is super good for digestion and hair/skin/nails. It makes me feel happy to be nurturing my body in this way.



  353.  #353bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 8:07 am

    Mel,

    “I am feeling silly today!

    And also a little homesick… Not sure how the two can go together…”

    this makes me feel like a soft-eyed baby

    wanna go out in the garden & make up stories & wander & have tea & find treasure & nap

    : )



  354.  #354Calypso on September 7, 2012 at 8:09 am

    FW – It has the same affect on me! I get my best sleep after sex or even after finding my own release if i am alone.



  355.  #355Mel on September 7, 2012 at 8:09 am

    Hey Curvy Siren!

    I was feeling the same way yesterday. Things were feeling a bit negative and the article triggered me immensely, because I think every one of those flags existed in my marriage before we split…

    BUT I do believe in relationships. And I really liked what someone said yesterday (maybe Miss Stix) about the problem with cheating really being about holding the other partner back. I know that for me, as soon as it all came into the light, I felt sooooo much better. I felt like I actually had a CHOICE and I chose to leave. When I was feeling things weren’t “right” but I was still trying to make it work… I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I feel so much more free and happy now. Knowledge is power. Actually we’re BOTH much happier now. I wish he would have come to me earlier, so that we could have began our separate journeys forward… but all things happen in their time.

    I also made the choice to believe that I could love again, risk again, be vulnerable again. I believe in love, though I wasn’t looking for it. Mostly I believed in ME and that I would be happy no matter what. That is the best choice I ever made. To be happy. To love ME.

    And funnily enough… that’s when I started to attract “good” men to me… I felt like I was covered in honey and the bees were happily buzzing all around.



  356.  #356CurvySiren10 on September 7, 2012 at 8:10 am

    Tam, you’re right. But what I’m saying is that we can inspire/encourage our man to do this if he feels what the effect is on his relationship and his woman. It’s not a simple concept. There are a lot of variables to consider, but I know it’s possible and I know that there ARE men who want healthy, strong relationships as much as we do.

    And you are SO right about the L word thing. It’s never about what they say, but always about what they DO. Some guys fling that word around, others can/do not. It’s just about understanding HIM and mostly, understanding where he is with YOU. A word is nothing without the actions backing it up.

    BW, not trying to minimize what that may or may not mean to you. I know your situation with TH is complex. Just saying -in my opinion- it shouldn’t be a deciding factor. How you feel with him SHOULD though. That’s the part that concerns me. I know he’s not been able to give you that “I can’t stand being without you” feeling consistently and I don’t blame you for questioning what that means to you.

    You are doing amazingly well though. I feel so happy to witness your personal growth and progress. πŸ™‚



  357.  #357MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 8:11 am

    Calypso

    I have a few friends who do the Body by Vi, and one who does shakeology. They all rave about shakes lol Maybe I should think about it for myself…



  358.  #358Goddess Lily on September 7, 2012 at 8:11 am

    Calypso, what does shakeology taste like?

    I’m doing insanity and I’ve been curious about it.



  359.  #359MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 8:13 am

    mmm after sex sleep…zzzZzzZzzz



  360.  #360CurvySiren10 on September 7, 2012 at 8:13 am

    Mel- thank you so much for sharing. You are such an amazing & inspiring Siren. Very wise and a shining example for the blog! πŸ™‚



  361.  #361MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 8:15 am

    Bloom-ing

    I saw the song you posted for ne last night! I didn’t have time to listen and I didn’t want to comment until I heard it. But πŸ˜€ It felt all warm and tingly in my chest, and smiley and I felt loved to know you were thinking about me πŸ™‚

    I have time so I am going to go listen now!



  362.  #362BAB on September 7, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Hey stix!

    Yes that’s exactly it! Don’t get me wrong, i almost always enjoy it, and by that i mean when i am fully awake lol sounds funny i know, but i am a deep sleeper and get up at 545am and he normally comes to bed around 230am-ish because he doesn’t have to get up as early..
    When i am awake, im not as lively as if i had initiated or it was after all day of hanging out together, but i definitely ENJOY lol and i don’t try and hide it.
    His demeanor more recently he has been rolling over and passing out, that is (if he wasn’t sleeping the whole time, this has happened) Before a few months ago. he would pull me on him and make me snuggle.
    I still get that every once and a while now but more often then not he passes out on his back or rolls to his side.
    That’s when the sad feelings roll in and confusion.



  363.  #363Mel on September 7, 2012 at 8:18 am

    ((((Curvy Siren))))



  364.  #364Calypso on September 7, 2012 at 8:19 am

    Shakeology is yummy! I am drinking the Chocolate Vegan and I use Almond Milk as the mixer. They sent me a list of yummy ideas of what to try with it, but I LOVe the way it tstates with the almond milk. I have also tried it with coconut milk, but it was too thick for me like that.

    My youngest son, who leaves for the marine Corp boot camp in 10 days did a lot of research online and decided that Shakeology was the best thing I could drink. He is so sweet – he is worried about leaving his mommy when he goes to boot camp -= he wants me to take good care of myself. I ordered the shakes to make him happy, but now I’m hooked. The probiotics are amazing! I sound like a commercial, but I don’t know anyone who sells this stuff – I ordered it online – it is really working for me!



  365.  #365bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 8:22 am

    miss stix, i think i already posted some of the lyrics before but i just really really get smile-y about that song & i feel happy that you are around that area…. i’ve never been but my college boyfriend went & he said he thought it was the city for me lol…. i think it’s too modern, though. maybe i’ll aim for a bit lower down & i’ll come up your way for an urban experience lol : )



  366.  #366CurvySiren10 on September 7, 2012 at 8:23 am

    Calypso, I am just about to try Shakeology myself so I appreciate the tips. I met a lady at my fiance’s high school reunion last month who sells it and I am really curious about the impact it could have for me. I have lost a lot of weight recently but have been stalled and struggling for a while, so I really want to try something healthy to shake things up a bit. Any other tips/ideas/thoughts would be appreciated!



  367.  #367Tam on September 7, 2012 at 8:23 am

    356 – agreed Curvysiren…the biggest challenge is perhaps to stay open when things do not come at us in the way we expected or wanted them to. It’s all about not being able to control another human being, basically…



  368.  #368Mel on September 7, 2012 at 8:24 am

    I also wanted to comment on the dating men who are separated/newly divorced comments…

    Mr A has been separated for over 2 years. The custody is all sorted out. The kids are used to the arrangements. He has already moved passed the sewing wild oats phase. The actual divorce papers are in the works (ex claims she doesn’t have the money to file right now).

    And I think, had I taken the stance that he was “unavailable” I would have missed out on a good thing. And had he taken a similar stance (my divorce is only JUST finalized) he would also have missed out on a VERY good thing. πŸ˜‰

    So, I think these things really come down to the circumstances. Availability is not a black and white thing.

    Just my two cents.



  369.  #369bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 8:24 am

    mel, i could just be trxpping, but i think you wrote open italics above ? i don’t know how to do that lol

    i feel so curious about it. i like to see the italics ! they look pretty to me, like fairy whispers : ))

    & also i feel curious if you can “close” them or if i can or if only “rori” can…….. i feel kind of blush-y robust happy girl excited to learn about this lol : ) feels heart-y lol : )))



  370.  #370Rori Raye on September 7, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Fixed the italics. Mel had put i/ instead of /i to close the italicised text. Oops πŸ™‚



  371.  #371Mel on September 7, 2012 at 8:33 am

    bloom-ing

    I did “open them” but I forgot to “close them” and then I broke the blog… LOL

    Must be my playful energy…

    And I tried to “fix” it, but it didn’t work. But someone fixed it… maybe the universe LOL



  372.  #372Calypso on September 7, 2012 at 8:33 am

    CurvySiren ~ I’m excited to know you will be trying Shakeology too! We can compare notes! Drinking it for breakfast helps set the tone for the rest of my day. I’m more likely to chose healthy lunch and dinner ideas and more likely to go to the gym or at least do stretches at home when I start my day with somethign so healthy.

    I don’t own a scale, so I can’t speak to pounds lost, but I can tell from the way my clothes fit and the way my body feels to my own hands when I am in the shower, that I am getting thinner. I want to lose about 15 pounds and i want to give my body the nutrition it needs to stay young and healthy feeling.



  373.  #373Starla on September 7, 2012 at 8:34 am

    V wants to have a ‘serious’ talk with me. I think it’s one of those “where is this going/can we spend more time together” talks after 3 dates. Granted, they’ve been really spread out dates (i was busy with a class and then i left the country), but it would feel so much better to just have him try to spend time with me and win me over instead of request that i have more feelings for him.

    cuz last night, when he texted me about if i wanna hang out this weekend, and i already have plans this weekend, he said he wanted to get me on the phone and have a serious talk with me. And he said he didn’t want to assume i’m just not into him. and i said it would feel nice to see you, i’m just all booked up. And he said that makes him feel better but he still wants to talk to me.

    and i just feel so turned off.

    i don’t want to be “in trouble” for already having plans. it would feel much better if the man just kept trying, AND TRUSTING THAT I’M NOT BLOWING HIM OFF ESPECIALLY WHEN I SAY I AM NOT BLOWING HIM OFF, instead of telling me how bad i’m making him feel.



  374.  #374bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 8:35 am

    ooh rori like magic lol : )) thank you



  375.  #375bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 8:41 am

    i had an interesting experience last night. broke down & cried over nothing at all & got so much love for it. went soft instead of hard. went vulnerable instead of defensive. stopped trying to fix it & just sat with the overwhelm. just got soft “babyyyyyyy” cuddles & extra & slow slow & very gentle



  376.  #376bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 8:43 am

    lol, mel, aww i feel glad i saw them while they were here……. they really feel special to me to see….. : ))))



  377.  #377Calypso on September 7, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Ok – I’ve been gushing about eating healthy and now . . . I’m suddenly craving bacon . . . wth? Lol ~



  378.  #378Mel on September 7, 2012 at 8:46 am

    Funny story…

    Mr A said he was raving about me to his barber LOL

    And I smiled and said “Oh?”

    And he said yup… I was saying how pretty and sweet and kind and NOT crazy you are!”

    And I felt a little triggered and said “I feel a little curious about the NOT crazy… I feel triggered and defensive even, because I HAVE been called crazy in the past… and I don’t feel terribly crazy… but I do have a mousy-brain… and that could be perceived as crazy.”

    And he said… what makes you NOT crazy is that when you feel angry or sad or “mousy” you TELL me. You don’t just randomly spew anger and I don’t know where it’s coming from. You can tell me about your feelings anytime! I WANT to hear them. I want to hear you and help you. I don’t want to feel tension and weirdness and then a sudden unleashing of anger and blame. MOST women don’t know how to share how they’re feeling in a way that men get… You do.”

    Yay Rori!!!! You rock!! πŸ™‚



  379.  #379MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 8:46 am

    bloom-ing!

    Never forget Vancouver’s suburbs are tight with the city, very close. A lot of the cities are very old. New west is gorgeous with 100+ year old houses and lots of trees. They put laws in place a few years back that prevent the building of ‘modern style’ homes. They have to adhere to design and material restrictions. North van is another area that’s breathtaking and much less urban.

    Anyways…I’ll stop p!mping my city hehe πŸ˜€ But you’d have a friend if you ever came to visit!



  380.  #380Calypso on September 7, 2012 at 8:48 am

    Starla – i HEAR YOU! I hate to be told what to do and that goes double for someone telling me what to feel . . . Just be the man and I’ll be the girl and we will see what happens – whew!

    I have tried very hard to help JC understand that I am a very busy woman and when we are together, it will be 100% about us, but when we don’t have plans, I’m likely to be very busy. If he wants to see me, he has to make plans to do so – keep trying.

    Last week he asked me, “So, when will I see you again?” I said, “I guess when you ask me out again . . . ” He looked shocked – “You mean I have to keep asking you out?” Duh . . . we are not married – I’m not going to just move in with him and be waiting at the door when he gets home every day :/ Men . . .

    I’ve known him for 2 weeks!!! “Yes . . . If you want to see me, you have to ask me out!”



  381.  #381bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 8:49 am

    OMG miss stix, are there northern lights ? lol….



  382.  #382Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 8:49 am

    Yayyy Mel
    Yayy Mr. A



  383.  #383bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 8:50 am

    aww mel, i feel inspired to keep trying & doing better. thanks for sharing that : )



  384.  #384Starla on September 7, 2012 at 8:50 am

    thank you calypso i feel understood and heard, much love to you:)



  385.  #385ruth on September 7, 2012 at 8:51 am

    Nice one Calypso
    πŸ™‚



  386.  #386Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 8:51 am

    343 Calypso – I feel kind of hopeful reading that. Thank you.
    xxx



  387.  #387Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 8:52 am

    Oops that was Curvy Siren! Sorry! πŸ™‚



  388.  #388Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 8:56 am

    356 CurvySiren – Aww thank you! It feels good to read that, and yes it IS complex. Will post again once I’ve caught up. He’s mad at me – again! lol



  389.  #389Tam on September 7, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Men! FeelingMan just contacted me on POF (I have unhidden my profile starting yesterday). He was kind of aggressively asking me how my search was going and he noticed I added new pics. He then said he doesn’t like the website, only shallow people.

    It was a massive dig. I feel amused, so how come he noticed straight away that my profile was visible again? So he’s on there straight away but gives me a hard time for being on the website. Red flag. He sounded angry! We
    haven’t even met!
    Don’t like!



  390.  #390Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 8:57 am

    β€œSo, when will I see you again?”
    I said, β€œI guess when you ask me out again . . . ”

    tweak “ooo It would feel so romantic to be asked out”. Reason I prefer this is because depending on the energy behind the other words, it could come across as defensive. Especially if you feel shocked at the question.



  391.  #391Tam on September 7, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Oh yes, he also said ‘so you will have a boyfriend when you get to the US’ bla bla. A bit over the top considering he’s on there 24/7…funny!



  392.  #392Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 9:01 am

    378 Mel – Awwww you and A are just the sweetest, most perfect couple ever! I love reading your stories because they give me so much hope! πŸ™‚



  393.  #393Starla on September 7, 2012 at 9:05 am

    What’s great is this stuff with V *was* triggering me a bit, but I was able to let it go for the most part. Like *shrug* what is meant to be will be.

    I live my truth knowing it is righteous and what is best for me. And I don’t want to impose it upon anyone else. But I’m not going to twist and bend away from my truth just to keep someone around.



  394.  #394Mel on September 7, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Awwwww! Thanks Butterfly Wings!

    Mr A’s daughter is a natural siren. A few days ago, we all went out for dinner… and there was some weird tension between Mr A and his son and both were super grumpy.

    And it felt awkward and weird. And she came over to me and sat in my lap and we started “dancing” to the music and giggling and making our own fun. Yup… cause that’s what true sirens do… move AWAY from negative energy and create positive energy for themselves. πŸ™‚

    Needless to say the grumpy-bums soon broke out of it. πŸ˜‰



  395.  #395Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Haha my concert was FUN and thank goodness for my dancing buddy! We had the drummer of the band laughing at us (she was impersonating him), and we sang along to all of their old songs (they’ve been around since the 80’s!!).

    So near the end TH texted me, asking me to go to his house after for “cuddles”. I didn’t say I would go, but I also didn’t say I wouldn’t.

    After an hour or so of having several 20 year old guys hitting on me and telling me I looked 25-30 (I’m 40!), I was more than ready to go home. I just wasn’t in the mood for it. I’m old enough to be their MOTHER!! lol

    So I dropped my friend home and felt really tired so texted TH to tell him I was going to go home instead.

    He then replied, saying, “Ok have fun with him”.

    I told him I felt insulted, then reminded him that we are not in a relationship, so it’s up to me to put myself first, and tonight I was going to take myself home and go to bed.

    He was still grumbling about me not going over there three times now this week etc, but must have since gone to bed.

    Hmmm… I think the poor man is feeling a little rejected! πŸ˜‰



  396.  #396MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 9:07 am

    BAB

    I feel you. I’m glad to hear it’s not bred from “begrudging” sex….

    I believe you can turn that around again! If he was, at one point, snuggly and cuddly then you just gotta draw that out of him again. Easier said than done, I know! lol

    Since I know my way won’t work for everyone…First ask yourself what it is that may be causing him to just roll over. Ask without blame for you or him. Maybe it’s the sleep hormone like femininewoman said. Maybe he just isn’t feeling a pull to have the intimate contact afterwards anymore. When you have it firm in your mind that it’s just a simple problem, that has nothing to do with you, and that it can turn around, but it will take time. Release the negative feelings and keep walking through this with a firm and positive vision.

    Now ask yourself not what you can do, but how you can feel your feelings and what can you radiate out to inspire the pull in him for intimacy. What can you say to him to let him know the intimacy is a need for you.

    Maybe it’s heavy enough that you need to present a feeling message: “I love the midnight sex. But sometimes I feel a little sad afterward if i’m not in a mans arms. It feels a bit lonely.”

    Maybe it’s more simple: After you’re done, “Baby, can you spoon me?” and then “mmmm that’s nice” when he does.

    The latter, more simple option is how I did it.



  397.  #397Starla on September 7, 2012 at 9:15 am

    BW, good giiiirl:) sounds like you’re doing what i would do, which is quit going over there for cuddles at his request until he gives you the commitment you want.

    how funny, he’s like… bootycalling u for hugs.

    rori says in modern siren (i think) that men will often try to get you to just sleep in the same bed cuddling with them, because that’s as good to them as sex.

    screw that!

    i feel proud of you!



  398.  #398MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 9:15 am

    BAB

    Once you figure out things you want to practice, keep practicing at least 2 things a day. Eventually they will become intuitive. Then add 2 more things. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

    Right now my conscious practices are:

    Letting go of guilt over his anger-I will not be his outlet.
    and

    Taking my own space when I need it- I will not only leave when he wants alone time.
    and

    speaking in my true voice- I only speak after I have taken a breath and i’m sure my words won’t sound uptight. I will also speak when I have something to say. I will not hold my tongue out of shyness or nerves.



  399.  #399Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 9:18 am

    397 Starla – it would’ve been s*x too, not just hugs. He just looks at me and he gets excited! lol

    But no I really wasn’t in the mood for it, so I turned him down and he did exactly what Rori said guys would do when we decide to put ourselves first – he grumbled! Haha!



  400.  #400Butterfly Wings on September 7, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Ok it’s after 2am so I’d probably better sleep. Night beautiful sirens! xxx



  401.  #401bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 9:22 am

    oh yummy miss stix i’m loving hearing your personal “rules” for your Relationship : )) that’s so yummy & i feel inspired…….



  402.  #402Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 9:25 am

    BW One thought……..

    Him: β€œOk have fun with him”.
    BW: hehe or smily face

    I believe that is what I would do to keep the mystery. Though feeling insulted, I kinda get the impression that that would confirm to him that his words/opinion of you matters and maybe that you were offended that he would think you would do something he does not approve of. I dunno, telling him you are not in a relationship could also be a defense and kinda rubbing it in his face. I say that because it reminds me of someone I know who kept telling her husband he had to go outside the r/ship to get s!ex. When he did she was furious because he admitted it when confronted. Though I know you have said you don’t care which way things go, until you a definitively sure you don’t want him, I encourage you to at least think about dropping those reminders. Hope I didn’t step on your toes but I have seen so many men eventually act on women’s words and the women end up acting as if they are stunned.

    Overall though I believe you are doing very well.



  403.  #403Daria on September 7, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Yay Mel it feels awesome hearing your scripts… So inspiring and helpful for when I feel triggered and defensive



  404.  #404bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 9:28 am

    i feel “oh, oh my gosh” giggly so excited thrilled lol



  405.  #405MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Bloom-ing

    πŸ™‚

    I envision you with a crown of flowers today. You are so beautiful, and I feel you as a pixie. Cute and happy but also mischievous and sometimes arms crossed and a little grumpy scrunch face πŸ™‚

    I felt really special to receive that song from you.



  406.  #406MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 9:35 am

    BW

    Go you!

    And good night πŸ™‚ <3



  407.  #407bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 9:40 am

    aww thanks, miss stix : ) i’m going to picture myself that way too lol : )

    those pictures you took give me the same misty-sky goddess world feelings as what daria posted…. i feel very moved to see them : )



  408.  #408Smile on September 7, 2012 at 9:42 am

    my heart feels lit up. Strummingman has emailed me already asking when would be good to meet again.



  409.  #409Mel on September 7, 2012 at 9:47 am

    I love, love love being a “feelingy-type beast”

    I honestly think it mystifies him. He asked me the other day… “What does it feel like for a girl to be… um… amorous?”

    Lately he has been asking for descriptions. He eats them all up. πŸ˜‰



  410.  #410Starla on September 7, 2012 at 9:47 am

    “BW: hehe or smily face

    I believe that is what I would do to keep the mystery.”

    This is dangerously flirting with game-playing territory. i think saying you’re gonna take care of yourself is much sexier and more mysterious than hinting that perhaps youre going out with another man at that time (because it’s not true).

    On the other hand, if she actually were going out with anothe rguy at the moment, then that would have been the perfect response:)



  411.  #411Laughing Goddess on September 7, 2012 at 9:51 am

    Wow! I feel so excited to see how happening the blog is today.

    Good luck on your interview today, Radlove!

    Last night felt really intense and full of emotion. I was already feeling triggered by what I had posted yesterday and then we were supposed to go out because we have a lot of friends in town right now, but I was feeling tired and not really up to it. He was still feeling motivated to go because he had already made plans to connect with some people he hadn’t seen in a while. I felt kinda sad, unimportant, and left out. When he left it felt tense and I was feeling really down.

    Then later he tried to call but I didn’t answer because I was feeling…um, bitter, I guess.

    So he texted this…

    Baby, I really love u! Β I’m sorry you are sad. Β I’m sorry I had something to contribute to that. Β I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed with ur emotions. Β I am really trying. Β In sorry if I seemed insensitive earlier. Β U are the most important thing in the world to me. Β I hope u know and feel that. Β 

    And then he came home and was so sweet and I dunno, I’ve just been feeling so emotional, I don’t quite know what to think anymore. Telling you all that story just brought up a lot of emotions. Feeling really sensitive and vulnerable in general lately.

    Hugs to me and my emotions.



  412.  #412Laughing Goddess on September 7, 2012 at 9:53 am

    Hugs to my vulnerable heart.



  413.  #413Starla on September 7, 2012 at 9:53 am

    wow, lg, all the times i felt overwhelmed and sensitive and hair-trigger-y, that would have been the PERFECT thing to say to me.

    yay for him



  414.  #414Mel on September 7, 2012 at 9:55 am

    Hey Starla,

    I am feeling a super electric energy emanating from you…

    (((LG’s emotions)))



  415.  #415bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 9:56 am

    yeah, lg, me too – what starla said



  416.  #416Mel on September 7, 2012 at 10:01 am

    403 @ Daria You have to be like the BEST in-the-moment FM-er ever! When we did that coaching call a while back and we role-played and I was the “guy”, I felt all amazed about how good it felt to be on the receiving end of “Oh baby that feels bad…” I really learned a lot from you! πŸ™‚



  417.  #417Laughing Goddess on September 7, 2012 at 10:02 am

    Thanks ladies. It felt really sweet to me too. I just feel kind of confused. I feel afraid of being stupid and blind but I do really trust him and my intuition is telling me that he is being sincere. I just don’t want to make a mistake.



  418.  #418Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 10:04 am

    You can’t be stupid LG



  419.  #419Laughing Goddess on September 7, 2012 at 10:05 am

    I really feel so much appreciation for all of you!



  420.  #420Daria on September 7, 2012 at 10:06 am

    Aww Mel I’m smiling and giggling right now :). That feels so goooood πŸ™‚ Thank you!



  421.  #421Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Starla maybe I am dangerous and flirtatious. I love that part of me. Now that I think about it guys tend to call me a teaser.



  422.  #422Daria on September 7, 2012 at 10:07 am

    (((((((LG)))))))



  423.  #423Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 10:09 am

    hhmm I feel good thinking of myself as dangerously flirtatious. I never noticed that before.



  424.  #424Starla on September 7, 2012 at 10:09 am

    hah mel i hope super electric is a good thing?



  425.  #425bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 10:10 am

    femininewoman, i feel all warm & thick hearing that you are dangerous : )) that sounds wonderful…. & interesting to me…. i feel more open to embracing my dark goddess energy….



  426.  #426Mel on September 7, 2012 at 10:11 am

    Oh yes! Like an electromagnet!



  427.  #427bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 10:12 am

    now i’m picturing a dancer moving her body with a strong trunk & strong roots — & her body makes a moving, dark peace with the light of the open space that allows her dance

    hehe yum : )



  428.  #428Tam on September 7, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Smile, I feel curious how the strummingman story pans out… πŸ™‚



  429.  #429Starla on September 7, 2012 at 10:14 am

    421 fw i like thinking of you this way too hehe
    i meant flirting WITH game playing. like, toying with it.



  430.  #430Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 10:15 am

    RE 427 sounds so sensual bloom-ing

    slow moving dance



  431.  #431Starla on September 7, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Bloom-ing, have you ever read Another Roadside Attraction by Tom Robbins?

    I’m into it 100 pages. It’s a book about you. Or at least, about one of your personas



  432.  #432bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 10:18 am

    & actually, miss stix, i feel inspired to dress like a pixie wherever i end up tonight : )) feel excited

    & april rose ? i think you bought the linen dress……. feel excited to read about it : ) i have been combating my “save it” instinct & wearing all my fancy dress & all my “silly” clothes or jewelry or makeup whenever i’m in the mood. even if i just come home from work & put on an old prom dress : ) lol



  433.  #433Tam on September 7, 2012 at 10:19 am

    I don’t know what is happening, today all the men I am NOT interested in are stepping forward in somewhat aggressive fashion.
    I feel amused and also a little disappointed. Another one (an Australian only here for a few more days) wants to meet me for a 2nd date, and because I did not email him back within 3 hours, he started saying ‘oh, well, if you don’t want to meet then I need to know now as I am changing my plans to meet you bla bla’ – it was aggressive really as the proposed meeting is in 2 1/2 weeks and anyway, he is on his way back to Australia so not sure what, apart from practice, this is going to achieve.
    Then one other guy, a German living in Florida, is always commenting on my fb posts, and we had a couple of dates here and he is a nice guy but I am soooo NOT attracted to him and he still has baby mama drama going on and a young child and it’s a double whammy…I am not attracted/interested AND he has drama/children etc.
    But he is super keen.
    Bald CD also wants to meet even though he knows I am leaving soon and it’s a no-hope for anything to develop.
    I feel sad that the men that are keen on me are either from the other side of the world or just not a good match. Exasperated.



  434.  #434Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 10:20 am

    I know Starla. I guess I have no problem toying with he who toys with me. Especially when I am sure that I don’t want him.

    Though I feel open to toying with game playing ____
    ______flirting_____ in the bedroom. But that is me. Sometimes I break the mold. hehe



  435.  #435bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 10:21 am

    ooooh starla : ) i’ve only read jitterbug perfume by tom robbins & that was perfectly magical. i think of those stories……. very often…… oh i do think i will look to see if i can’t find it today ! was just planning a little mini-excursion that will take me by a nice used books store : )



  436.  #436CurvySiren10 on September 7, 2012 at 10:23 am

    395 BW- you did perfect and I’m so proud of you for putting yourself first and yes, creating mystery with TH. You said just the right things in my opinion. He has to learn that without commitment, you are free to do whatever you’d like with no explanation needed. He will either step up…or not. Either way, you are SO on the right track here. I feel the shift in your vibe big time.

    (((LG))). Just sending hugs.



  437.  #437Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 10:24 am

    CurvySiren – Well said, “without commitment, you are free to do whatever you’d like “.



  438.  #438Heart on September 7, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Tam – just enjoy the attention. And try to be open. I was into Manboy but now I’ve forgotten all about him…At some point you’re going to have to make some real strides to Get Over Mr.P . I left FB and it helped. This Mr.P can’t row the boat right now…:(



  439.  #439Starla on September 7, 2012 at 10:28 am

    okay or if you can’t find it, you can read my copy when i’m done with it



  440.  #440bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 10:33 am

    : ))



  441.  #441Heart on September 7, 2012 at 10:36 am

    # 397 – Starla – cuddling is as good to a guy as sex? Rori said that? Sorry but that sounds absurd.
    I’m pretty sure most men will disagree with you.



  442.  #442Tam on September 7, 2012 at 10:36 am

    438..Heart, yep that’s it in a nutshell..I m happy for the attention, I guess although I feel it is ‘not real’ as 3/4 of the guys are not even available because of the distance. Oh well.
    But yes, MrP is not rowing right now, and even if he starts rowing when I am back there, I feel wary…very wary. He will do the bare minimum and I feel it’s just not enough for me anymore.



  443.  #443Tam on September 7, 2012 at 10:38 am

    441, I agree with Heart..they will take what they can get but I never had a man lying next to me saying ‘oh love, I’d rather just cuddle’….hmm. Even when they said ‘just cuddling and sleeping next to each other is fine’, they still tried for more..haha!! πŸ˜‰



  444.  #444Starla on September 7, 2012 at 10:40 am

    rori said it in a they’ll take what they can get sort of way

    not even just to push the issue once you’re there.

    she says something like “the warm female body next to them at night is gratifying as sex IN ITS OWN WAY”

    like f*ck buddies, some guys will try to make you into a cuddle buddy. Warrior has been trying to make me into a cuddle buddy. lol



  445.  #445bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 10:43 am

    i know the most Bro-y dude at work… he told me he took a girl home & felt SO upset because she didn’t want to cuddle. he said he cried after she left & the next day he adopted a kitten.

    i’m just saying, men need cuddles too lol



  446.  #446Smile on September 7, 2012 at 10:44 am

    Tam 433-

    Have you been working the magnet tool lol!



  447.  #447Tam on September 7, 2012 at 10:44 am

    ooh, I’d love to be a cuddle buddy πŸ™‚



  448.  #448Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 10:47 am

    I agree with Rori. I have had guys say it is not about the sex. They are so fascinated by femininity and our beautiful bodies. I get the sense from some that just looking at it they get a sort of high.



  449.  #449MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 10:48 am

    About the cuddling thing…

    I’d say for some men it is better than nothing. They’d rather have a body next to them than no one at all. But as for it being “just as good”…Not buying.

    Men are all different anyways. Some men do not have a high sex drive. Some do.



  450.  #450Smile on September 7, 2012 at 10:49 am

    Thanks dominique, I picked this up of a recent post you wrote to someone else.

    It’s helping me keep my sanity.

    You get a man to want to be with you by continuing your own healing process, by loving on yourself, by having a full, fun life apart from him friends, hobbies, anything which arouses your passions.

    Let him lead for now, i.e. limit initiating contact, and when he does, you melt all over the place, especially when he initiates any physical contact, hugs, kisses. Even over the phone, this energy is felt.



  451.  #451Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 10:49 am

    I have a bro at work who told me he wanted company so he allowed a woman to sleep in his bed even though he felt turned off after hearing the number the men she had had se!x with.



  452.  #452Tam on September 7, 2012 at 10:50 am

    FW, I have had guys say that too, and afterwards admit it was just something to say to get a woman into their bed, i e to put less pressure on her.
    They did not push for sex, but would have preferred it to cuddling or just looking. Men are men after all πŸ˜‰
    Nothing wrong with that…
    Like Starla says, they will take what they can get..because we are just so delicious.. πŸ™‚



  453.  #453Smile on September 7, 2012 at 10:50 am

    But for now…

    My hair is curled, I feel like a magnet. Now off out to see what I can attract 



  454.  #454Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Mike Fiore has a secret survey out. I wonder if they addressed it there and I wonder what the guys said? hhhmm



  455.  #455bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 10:51 am

    i just don’t want to feel “frumpy”

    but maybe i can just be my own kind of “frumpy” & when i feel that way, think of it as sexy too : ) lol i’m thinking “hot mess” but kind of the opposite. “hobo chic” i think that’s an actual thing. what is it people say ???? um… oh “shabby-chic” is a thing lol….. yeah, i’m not frumpy, i’m shabby-chic lol lemme go find a picture that looks like what i want… oh i feel good & better thanks



  456.  #456Smile on September 7, 2012 at 10:52 am

    I feel flirty and have been practising my smile.

    Gonna try the 5 second eye contact tool.



  457.  #457Smile on September 7, 2012 at 10:53 am

    Actually I feel nervous with 5 so gonna try 2-3 and work my way up. 5 feels a but like starring when it’s new.



  458.  #458Starla on September 7, 2012 at 10:56 am

    What I’m trying to say about “just as good” isn’t about comparison for comparison’s sake, and I feel a little amused that the conversation turned into that.

    The point is that it needs to be part of our boundaries. It’s about them getting something from us without giving us what we really want in return. We think that because we’re not having sex with them, that it’s okay, but the fact is that even cuddling/sleeping next to each other is enough gratification for a man to 1. stall them in the commitment area and 2. leave us feeling insecure/shaky



  459.  #459Starla on September 7, 2012 at 10:57 am

    455 bloom-ing, you have such a naturally pretty face and nice skin, maybe you could just put on some bold-ish lipstick, like a red maybe? when you’re doing the “frumpy” thing, and it would trick people into thinking you’re actually all ‘dressed up’ in a look:)



  460.  #460bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 10:58 am

    starla, i hear you. plus, i think for women “just cuddling” can be a Bigger “emotional trap” because if a guy offers that, then the assumption is “oh, it’s More Than Sxx for him” & then it could become “proof” that there is “something there”….



  461.  #461Starla on September 7, 2012 at 11:04 am

    actually i think it would make you look like a supermodel. red lipstick and ‘frumpy’ everything else. eat your heart out, Versace!



  462.  #462Heart on September 7, 2012 at 11:06 am

    #448 – FW – those men were probably Lying or Lesbians. Men love love love love actually Just having sex. That high you mentioned is called Being Aroused. Men like Sex more than Cuddling. Ask any guy. I’m questioning your sanity..lol!

    #444 – Starla – I think Rori said – Men like having someone in the bed to sleep with….She didn’t say they liked that more than sex though…



  463.  #463bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 11:06 am

    thanks, starla : ) i get so scared…. lol i even just tried to explain it or think about it & i freaked myself out lol…. oh well



  464.  #464Mel on September 7, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Re: cuddling

    Agreed! Most guys will do what it takes to get close to a woman in a sleeping-y way…. Hoping it will “go there”

    Mr A even tried this…. I told him I felt uncomfortable about any bedroom activities unless I knew a man was not dating others.



  465.  #465MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Starla

    I hear you fully.

    I think the difference is in the relationship itself as well.

    Where i’m at with myself, and where my relationship is at with G, it’s a lot different. I don’t worry at all anymore if something is gratifying him or what it means, or what effect it will have on the relationship or his level of comittment. I am already receiving the highest level of comittment I require at this time in my life. Cuddling has become just another level of our intimacy.

    However, when he grumbles about me sleeping at home and how he would rather have me there I don’t give into that. I sleep at home when I feel like it. I give him an “awww baby you’ll live” and a smile and go about my business.



  466.  #466baby steps on September 7, 2012 at 11:12 am

    331 Mel – thank you, thank you, thank you. Your advice is something that i will start practicing today πŸ™‚

    Thank you so much. As I shared earlier, I am worried about phrasing of FM and how it comes across to him. It’s also difficult to be authentic when things are generally negative.

    I always worry that I’m making things worse πŸ™‚ practicing on myself is the best.



  467.  #467Starla on September 7, 2012 at 11:12 am

    ok now my words are getting twisted and to be honest it really frustrates me.

    i did NOT say men like it more than sex.

    i don’t want words put in my mouth. it doesn’t feel fun for me to have a conversation when that happens!



  468.  #468Starla on September 7, 2012 at 11:13 am

    blah, i quit. new topic. and if someone tries to argue with me about something i didn’t actually say, i’ll quit that topic too, lol



  469.  #469Goddess Lily on September 7, 2012 at 11:16 am

    I have a concern about feeling messages. What if you’ve already been called emotionally draining? How do feeling messages then play out?



  470.  #470baby steps on September 7, 2012 at 11:16 am

    dear sirens, has anyone ever had a guy snap back at them saying that it’s always about how you feel, that he is sick of all the ” I feel ” messages, that you only love yourself as its always about you?

    I had this happening to me in a previous relationship.



  471.  #471Mel on September 7, 2012 at 11:17 am

    And I also agree with Starla (Rori) that men do get something out of cuddling too.

    I mean… who wouldn’t want to just BE around a siren… and what better way to do that…lay beside her warm beautiful inviting body and just breathe in her essence….



  472.  #472Starla on September 7, 2012 at 11:19 am

    470 baby steps

    yes this has happened to me and i wish i had handled it differently when they said it! If i could have a do-over I would have said

    “ohhh i’m sorry to hear the way i’ve been communicating is not making you feel good. to be honest, i try to just focus on how i feel because i really really don’t want to fall into a trap of ‘blaming’ where i say “you did this and you did that.” It feels important to me to be able to express how I’m feeling, and your feelings are also really important to me… what do you think would be a better way to communicate so that i can still feel open with you?”

    something like that



  473.  #473Siren Angel on September 7, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Mel,

    Hi! I am wondering how long you have been with mr A and how long you have known the kids and if you had challenges with the kids and if so how it was handled? I feel curious because of my own situation.



  474.  #474Starla on September 7, 2012 at 11:20 am

    also goddess lily, i stopped having this problem when my positive feeling messages far outweighed my negative ones. I mean, like 20 to 1 or better.



  475.  #475Siren Angel on September 7, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Mmmm… I feel curious about the cuddling only. It seems weird to me.



  476.  #476Starla on September 7, 2012 at 11:22 am

    miss stix,
    btw your ‘arguments’ are totally sound and i get what you’re saying

    my being frustrated about my words being misinterpreted can’t take anything away from that!

    and hearing your perspective itself feels pretty interesting. thanks for sharing!



  477.  #477MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Goddess Lily

    If you have been called “emotionally draining” it probably means your FM’s are coming from a place of worry, anxiety, frustration and/or fear. They may be overwhelming and bombarding at that point. They have possibly become a “means to an end” rather than a sharing experience.

    “See me see me see me”

    instead of

    “this is me.”



  478.  #478Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Ooo Mel I just read your post about bees and honey and I felt my heart jumping up and down fluttering with excitement



  479.  #479Heart on September 7, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Starla – ok you said not more than sex but as much as sex (as good as #397) …
    I feel irritated.
    I feel disgusted.
    I feel attacked.
    Ick



  480.  #480Starla on September 7, 2012 at 11:26 am

    i think my last comment was supposed to be for heart, not miss stix



  481.  #481Starla on September 7, 2012 at 11:27 am

    sorry u feel bad, heart. i really don’t do well when anyone stretches my words to prove their point. it robs me of my intellectual integrity and i take it pretty seriously and generally just shut down and stop participating in the conversation.



  482.  #482MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Starla πŸ™‚

    Thanks, and not even really arguing . Which I think you see(hence your quotation marks I suppose).

    I do get what your saying. Especially if the guy is a CD and new etc. Giving into requests to “come and cuddle” even without sex can seem “safe” but may not be. Because it IS their own physical and emotional gratification. Cuddling is great! Not necessarily as a response to a request though…

    Understanding that is important!



  483.  #483Starla on September 7, 2012 at 11:30 am

    miss stix, i totally mixed your comments up with heart’s.

    i’m all over the place, i think i’m huuuungry



  484.  #484MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 11:30 am

    oh lol πŸ™‚

    Stand by my words even if your post was meant for heart.



  485.  #485Mel on September 7, 2012 at 11:31 am

    baby steps, Goddess Lily,

    When I do express negative FMs aloud, I always try to do it without expectation of something he should DO about it. I take hand that responsibility over to myself.

    I usually try to say something like:

    I feel angry and it would feel better to move right now…I am going to go for a walk to clear my head.

    I feel needy and attention-starved and I don’t want to feel that way… I feel like visiting with my best friend might help me feel better.

    I will sometimes say “I feel sad.” It’s harder though, because there’s often some silent expectation there… hoping for him to ask “Why?” So if I feel expectant, I choose to just say it to myself and ask myself “why?” and “what can we do about this?”



  486.  #486Mel on September 7, 2012 at 11:34 am

    having trouble typing today… lol



  487.  #487MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Mel, Starla

    Great words on FM’s!



  488.  #488MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 11:43 am

    <3 this mel!

    "…if I feel expectant, I choose to just say it to myself and ask myself β€œwhy?” and β€œwhat can we do about this?”".

    Something to file away for future referrence.



  489.  #489Heart on September 7, 2012 at 11:43 am

    #481 – Starla …It’s clear you have Zero Integrity. You just feel Bad about what you wrote and want to Blame me for it. Hence your total Over-reaction.
    Talk about Overkill!
    Your post is there for everyone to see! #397 ! I did not stretch your words. I just responded to it.
    You make those kinds of statements and People will respond! This is a Comment Section.
    I didn’t feel bad – I felt attacked…but now I just feel nauseated by this whole thing.



  490.  #490Emerson on September 7, 2012 at 11:56 am

    Everyone needs to take a chill pill.



  491.  #491MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Emerson

    lol

    I didn’t want to be the first to post!

    *peeks around the corner*



  492.  #492Rebecca on September 7, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    I have to chip in to the ‘cuddling v sex’ debate.

    Lol, I think everyman I’ve ever known has secretly loved cuddling as much as sex… cuddling is hot..



  493.  #493Starla on September 7, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    yummy chill pills



  494.  #494Emerson on September 7, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Miss stix πŸ™‚



  495.  #495Mel on September 7, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    Siren Angel,

    Mr A’s kids had been “adjusted” to the separation (as well as is possible to really “adjust” from such a traumatic experience) for almost two years before I even met their father.

    We dated for almost 4 months before I met the kids.

    They seemed to accept me from the start, though of course there have been learning experiences for all.

    I let him do ALL of the discipline (though sometimes it’s hard because I have a professional background that gives me some “knowledge” on the subject…) And I never offer any parenting advice unless asked for.

    I prefer to be just a positive influence, a fun person, a good example, a supportive adult to these children. Perhaps because I have not tried to “parent” them, I haven’t encountered much resistance.

    It’s likely easier to take that stance because I do not have my own children.

    I feel a little hesitant to post this, because I am not suggesting you did anything wrong, or “caused” his children to dislike you in any way. Just that perhaps they weren’t ready to accept someone new in their lives. And it would have been the same for any woman.



  496.  #496Starla on September 7, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    heart,
    daaaang, girl. you’re like REALLY good at the [zip zap wham bam thank you maam cut you down with a single blow] come-backs. Like, “don’t f*ck with me, cuz i can invalidate you in a single comment.” That’s an awesome skill. Where did you develop it? I’m actually pretty notorious for this (but Rori has intervened with me a few times to kinda tell me to knock it off and suggest it indicates some deeper issue, and then i usually feel pretty deeply misunderstood and shamed, ack!). I got picked on hardcore growing up so I think that’s where I developed it. But I was a brainiac child so most of my comments went over kids’ heads. Worked great for me in politics, though. But the ‘struggle’ of politics felt super unhealthy and now I work in a different field entirely.



  497.  #497Emerson on September 7, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    Chill pill chocolate chip cookies



  498.  #498Mel on September 7, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    Mmmm! Emerson, I could use one of those!

    So deliciously chill!



  499.  #499Emerson on September 7, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    I’m detoxing from bread



  500.  #500Emerson on September 7, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    I’ve had huge urges to reach out to recycled. I don’t know what to say or how to resolve it but I feel curious about my tendency to “write people off”
    Maybe I should not write him off or maybe I’m just feeling piney I don’t know
    I actually feel ashamed and guilty



  501.  #501Starla on September 7, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Emerson, he can always reach out to YOU first (and he should). That’s when you can worry about whether or not to write him off.



  502.  #502Siren Angel on September 7, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Mel,
    I believe it makes a big difference that they had already adjusted… And how long have you known the kids? M’s were fine the 1st year! So I am curious.



  503.  #503Emerson on September 7, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    501 thanks Starla .
    The thing is I told him via text i feel uncomfortable continuing with the friendship and I have not heard back since.

    I guess i got what inasked for he honored it and left me alone. Maybe i was not being authentic and waanted him to fight for me.I was disappointed with his lack of “being there” for me to help me and I was also wanting more from him so why do I feel such a need for “closure”??
    I feel weird



  504.  #504Dancing Siren on September 7, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Hello,

    I am still feeling grumpy!

    Dominique.

    Thanks for your reply, it was exactly what I needed to hear.

    xoxox



  505.  #505Annie on September 7, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Lilibee, “The mom encourages that behaviour coz she felt he neglected both of them while they were together.”

    “The mum encourages that behavior is a judgment and projection by whoever is saying those words.”

    ” she felt neglected” did she say this?
    If she did I personally would be paying attention to those words.
    If he hasn’t moved forward I would put money on that the next women he gets involved with with will also feel like this eventually.
    As he will be attracted to and attract the same story to repeat over again, just like we do if we don’t do the work.

    Rinse and repeat.



  506.  #506Starla on September 7, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    Emerson,
    You were pretty ‘hooked’ on him and it’s just gonna take time to feel better again.
    love to you



  507.  #507Laughing Goddess on September 7, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Gluten-free chill pill pie



  508.  #508bloom-ing on September 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    lol you girls are making me giggle : )



  509.  #509Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    Emerson that reminds me. I have been detoxing from wheat, sugar and corn for months now. Yesterday I wore a skirt that was slightly big. When I went out to lunch right in front of the building the next thing I knew was that my skirt was falling down to my knees. I barely caught it before it fell to my ankles. A guy walkong by said “well yeah”. It was a good thing I have a habit of wearing shorts. Totally unexpected. You should have seen me talking to myself about the surprise and walking as if nothing happened.



  510.  #510Starla on September 7, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    i noticed my tongue isn’t scalloped or at all white when i avoid dairy and gluten

    and meat

    and it makes me wonder if i should go vegan.

    but it would feel scary to alienate myself so much from everyone i know



  511.  #511Mel on September 7, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Siren Angel,

    I have known the kids now for 9 months. Their mother is also with someone else, and has been for quite some time. That might make a difference too.



  512.  #512Starla on September 7, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    wow fw i feel captivated reading that story about your skirt… ((((((((wardrobe malfunctions))))))))

    all summer long my clothes have been malfunctioning. but ONLY while on dates. son of a….

    they’ve all gotten a glimpse of my bum and my boobs. lucky them i guess.



  513.  #513MissStix on September 7, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Chill pillsicle

    mmm ice creamy chilling-filling.



  514.  #514Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    James Bauer of Melt His Heart (his wisdom)

    Avoid tart words respond instead with honey. You catch more bees with honey.



  515.  #515Starla on September 7, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    *soy/rice/or coconut milk based ice-creamy chilling filling with stevia sweetener?



  516.  #516Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    More James Bauer wisdom. Stop yourself from reacting defensively and trying to come up with a zinger to one-up him if you want to melt his heart. With every action there is a reaction. Stop the contempt and personal attacks.



  517.  #517Femininewoman on September 7, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    Re 512. Hehe



  518.  #518Starla on September 7, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    “Stop yourself from reacting defensively and trying to come up with a zinger to one-up him if you want to melt his heart. With every action there is a reaction. Stop the contempt and personal attacks.”

    save it for politics πŸ˜€



  519.  #519Daria on September 7, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Ok so now I’m gonna learn to be a wolf



  520.  #520Siren Angel on September 7, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Mel! Oh yes, that would make a world of difference for M’s kids because they feel sorry for her that she is alone. Thank you for sharing Mel πŸ™‚