Is “Pulling Flak” Your Way Of Getting Attention?

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attentionHow are you trained to get attention?

A woman I know complains, sees problems and fault everywhere, and cannot seem to appreciate people when they do caring things for her.

The amazing thing is – this attitude actually gets her the attention she craves!

BUT…what kind of attention IS it that shows up?

I call this “Pulling Flak” and seeing it as “love.”

What looks like love to you?

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Aurora Girl on January 16, 2012 at 6:27 am

    So very timely thank you Rori….I like this perspective


  2.  #2River Girl on January 16, 2012 at 6:28 am

    No, I’m the opposite and I don’t get the attention I crave.

  3.  #3Aurora Girl on January 16, 2012 at 6:30 am

    I have also heard it called `negative attention`…and when we get a lot of it…we get use to it……especially if it gets us what we want…..

    I like a love where we steer clear of this…and if it comes up… soften it and show that there is another way……I sure appreciate it when someone offers this to me, especially if I am doing it unconsciously…..

    I so appreciate having a new experience where negative energy and negative attention….does not have to be the way….


  4.  #4Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 6:44 am

    Me too Aurora. It reminds me of the Tony Robbins videos LG shared where the lady used depression to get the love and attention she wanted. We can be invested because that is the only way we know how to get love. At the end her turnaround was so dramatic it was almost unbelievable. Negative energy and negative attention is something I want to totally pull away from. If someone is spiralling in their negative energy I rather take myself out of there because it is too draining. I want to be the light house where people come to recharge their batteries after they have stopped their spiralling and is looking for a place to rest. I try to put myself in their shoes and pay attention to taking care of my inner child. Pulling flak is no longer a go to place for me.

  5.  #5Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 6:48 am

    I look at myself in the past and see how I have told the same story over and over again and cringe at the thought of how I must have been draining to people. I want to be authentic but I also want to be able to acknowledge and use the choices I have. I can deal with my inner demons, I can radiate love and positive energy at all times regardless of what life throws me. I want to live my possibilities regardless of what is going on around me. I feel inspired to be a change agent.

  6.  #6Aurora Girl on January 16, 2012 at 6:56 am


    your words:
    “I can radiate love and positive energy at all times regardless of what life throws me. I want to live my possibilities regardless of what is going on around me. I feel inspired to be a change agent`

    my dear siren…..I see you do this already here…….how lovely to know it will expand for you……

    lucky those of us who get to experience it with you!!!


  7.  #7Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 7:16 am

    The guy from Friday night texted me yesterday. We exchanged a few texts and then I excused myself because had to go visit another CD who actually called in the morning and invited me over. He lives kind of far, but I accepted graciously and it was the right choice. He took a very good care of me, cooked dinner, played his favorite movie for me and then drove me home, which was unexpected, I didn’t even know he had a car.

    While I was there, another CD called and left a VM, so will return his call today. I would like to talk/see the Friday night guy, but he has to arrange for it lol.. not just text.

  8.  #8Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 7:22 am

    Regarding today’s topic – my history has been to hide the unpleasant in my life and never ever to discuss it. This approach has its pros and cons too.

  9.  #9Lili 41 on January 16, 2012 at 7:34 am

    I would get attention by keeping my feelings to myself, blaming myself and sweeping it under the rug until it came up again.
    Then I would burst out in anger blaming the other person. Like an angry child who’s not getting what she wants.

    I’m working on shifting this now.

  10.  #10Liz on January 16, 2012 at 7:41 am

    Good morning….
    I definitely feel loved when I am heard, whether I am sharing feelings that are happy or sad….

    Love feels like a neutral hello, yes you are part of this planet too.

  11.  #11Camille on January 16, 2012 at 7:46 am

    I love this question. I feel so proud knowing my answer to this question is so different now that it would have been 5 years ago. Thanks for asking Rori, thinking about it makes me feel proud of my growth and positive changes.

    But just for sake of answering I used to over-do and do grandios things for people for attention. And yes I recieved attention and pats-on-the back. But I absolutely drained myself to physical illness and exhaustion.

  12.  #12Camille on January 16, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Oh yes and by the way……
    Good Morning Beautiful Sirens…so lovely on the island today.

  13.  #13T-Girl on January 16, 2012 at 8:08 am

    Makes me wonder what types of people are doing these caring things for her if she is “pulling flak”.

  14.  #14Lili 41 on January 16, 2012 at 8:19 am

    I felt sad last night.
    I cried myself to sleep while D was sleeping like a log.
    I felt sad bc I remembered a time when I had D’s housekeys.
    When he would be at work during weekends, I would go and prepare supper for when he got home from work.

    I know someone here is going to call out “overfunctioning!”, but it wasn’t, he did way more for me.

    I would feel appreciated. I would feel like I belonged in his home bc he wanted me there.

    I expressed controlling and attacking behaviour to sabotage that.
    He took his key back last spring.
    Allthough, he’s expressed wanting to startover from scratch and practically begged me to take him back at the end of the summer, he never gave me back the keys.

    I asked him once if he really meant it “starting over from scratch”. He simply said “think about it”.

    I haven’t been able to start over from scratch and put the past behind me.
    The dominant feelings I have is of feeling lost and disconnected.

    When we woke up this morning, I told him that I had trouble sleeping bc I kept thinking of us.
    I don’t want these things to keep festering all bottled up, I want to be able to get them off my chest and sleep.
    Him: “that’s the trouble, you think too much”.
    Me: “I feel disconnected. Our relationship feels vague. I would like for us to be able to talk to clear the space between us. I don’t want to leave it vague like we used to do.
    I used to always assume things, then get disappointed bc my assumptions were wrong.”
    Him: “I’m too tired to talk now.”
    Me: “When is a good time?”
    He told me tonight if his son isn’t coming over.
    Me: “I want to feel like I can talk to you about anything and I want you to feel that you can talk to me about anything.”

    Basically, I want to know “what starting over from scratch” looks like to him and what it looks like to me.
    We’ve always left things unclear and vague and that has never worked well for us.
    I want to do something different that would work for us.

    Or should I just leave it be? Is this being controlling? I have a difficult time discerning the difference between expressing myself and being controlling.
    If I standup for myself and assert myself, is that being controlling?

    I need to have a look at FM speaches in Love Scripts to make my speech.

  15.  #15Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 8:21 am


    RE: #1795 from

    I feel sad for both of us. You had the strength to walk away, and I admire you for that. I am feeling like mine is finally blossoming after three years. I am not ready to call it quits.

    But I do know I need to get a strategy in my head to stop being a crumb taker. He is always just out of reach.

    Yet I feel confused, because I see my own issues and think, “Well, he has a right to not want to crash his boat on my shore. He sees jagged rocks, and he feels quicksand under his feet.”

    So I am making a supreme effort to bring in tons of soft, loose sand for firm, comfortable footing. I have a bull dozer in here removing the jagged rocks just as fast as I can.

    I have acknowledged…as much as he has issues, SO DO I.

    I love my issues. I embrace my issues. I give compassion to my issues, even if some other people don’t.

  16.  #16Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 8:25 am

    (((Lili 41))),

    I think Rori would say, “Brava to you for negotiating and discussing your relationship!”

    She is totally for working thru issues and NOT letting things fester inside. And it is right that you asked him when would be a good time. That way you are sure to have him at a time when he is cooperating.

  17.  #17Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 8:26 am


    RE: #1796 from the last thread – I know sometimes that feels bad when someone projects their situation onto yours. In this case I don’t mind it, tho. It just feels so good to be understood.

    Because it’s NOT all roses.

  18.  #18Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 8:36 am


    I just watched “By Your Side” again, and it struck me that Sade was standing by the road at the end in the city to give the rose to a passer-by.

    She was holding it out, turning with the traffic, in a motion of offering it. But no one stopped.

    It was like she was offering the magic and beauty of what she had just experienced in her lovely fantasy. But everyone was so busy and mistrustful that no one took her up on her offer.

    I want to take time and effort to stop and see a beautiful place…and create my own special moments.

  19.  #19Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 8:45 am


    #1739 – 1793: Brenda says:
    “If I was smart, I’d probably stop talking about him altogether.”

    Ohh I soo know that feeling – you somehow know that talking/writting about him make the focus on him, wich I dont want to.

    But sometimes I think its good to write things, its a way of get them out of the system, acknowledge for the brain what it is thinking and it feels easier to stop thinking about it after,

    Baby steps :)”

    Jenny, yes, it does help me to write, to get it out of my system, to acknowledge what the brain is thinking.

    Since I mostly talk about Ryan on the blog, it probably looks even moreso like I am overly fixated on him, and I know I am. But my writing about him helps that, to get him OFF my mind.

    But right, baby steps. And the baby steps I took of lighting a few dating fires a few nights ago paid off last night when he was playing cat and mouse.

    Even tho I was stressing, as all of you saw, when I was actually on the phone with him, I was able to keep an air of nonchalance, like the warm, sandy beach where he was free to come or go.

    I know he was feeling really comfortable with me, because when he called back around 2 am, he said, “I wish you lived close by still. My parents aren’t home, and it would be easy to invite you over to hang out for a while.”

    He hasn’t even come close to inviting me over for close to three years. So if I hadn’t been an hour away, I would have been invited over. 🙂

  20.  #20lilybelly on January 16, 2012 at 8:57 am

    “Pulling flak” Hmmmm, I don’t like to participate in this. I prefer using my words and how I feel so that I can avoid attention seeking behaviors and it has resulted in a whole new level of me. Yay!

    I decided several months ago that the story that brought me here was something that “happened to me” and is not “who I am”. How refreshing and freeing that was to me.

    I choose not to “pull flak”.

  21.  #21Gingersky on January 16, 2012 at 9:02 am

    Hey all. Trying out my new kindle fire here 🙂 Lots of changes in my life… lots of happy, sad, scary stuff, and old patterns & emotions coming up from under surface to be cleared. Seems too much sometimes, but I’m blessed. More later, love to all!

  22.  #22Gingersky on January 16, 2012 at 9:10 am

    #14 Lili 41 It sounds to me like he’s not wired up for instantly longing to do honest & depthful communication & connection, and you are. Makes me wonder if/how he could feel safe & more interested in that, and how/if you could feel so loved you’d just be all comfortable regardless… ?

  23.  #23R.N.AmazingMe on January 16, 2012 at 9:12 am

    Brenda that is great, I hope your strength and your self healing lifts you where you need to be. You are an amazing young woman and I think your doing great using all your tools 🙂 Just keep in mind I know how you feel if you ever want to chat I am here for you and any sirens of course 😉 XOXO

  24.  #24Gingersky on January 16, 2012 at 9:13 am

    #5 FW Thank you, i needed to read that today on a v sad-feeling day… this feels v v good to read.

  25.  #25GingerSky on January 16, 2012 at 9:15 am

    Testing to see how to get my comments out of moderation… must be happeningbc I’m using a new device… and/or am on a diff IP/connection? No biggie, just wondering 🙂

  26.  #26GingerSky on January 16, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Also, does anybody know if Rori has an android app or widget?

    And BIG hugs, kisses, love & appreciation to you, Rori!

  27.  #27Starla on January 16, 2012 at 9:25 am

    I pull flak sometimes. I used to do it ALL THE TIME. Now I catch myself doing it and usually knock it off before it even starts.

    I was raised to pull flak to get attention. I use depression and illness to get loving treatment from men. This is actually somewhat typical Borderline Personality Disorder behavior. My therapist won’t diagnose me with this disorder because he says I don’t have it, lol, but my mother likely had it and this is where I learned such behavior.

    Woman who engage in this behavior are not comfortable unless the attention is always on them. Things must always be about their happiness (or more accurately, about the misery they’re feeling, and fixing it), their feelings, their everything.

    On one hand, this is very sireny! But on the other hand, a siren takes responsibility for her own well being when her needs and feelings are not being honored. In contrast, A flak-puller/Borderline Personality type can only look to others as responsible for her happiness, and it is so rarely ever good enough. It’ll never be good enough because she is looking to others to care for her deep sense of unworthiness and mistrust in others and herself.

  28.  #28Lolita on January 16, 2012 at 9:26 am

    I get attention, but I admit I get nervous as soon as it is not kept constant, and that is when I do stupid things like lean in too close.

  29.  #29Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 9:27 am


    Thank you!

  30.  #30Lolita on January 16, 2012 at 9:32 am

    In the context of Rori’s post, I see that as a very negative way of getting attention (Complaining, seeing faults)… What an ugly thing to bring into a relationship… it’s certainly not very loving.

    I personnally allways thank and look for the good or at least the silver lining.

  31.  #31Lolita on January 16, 2012 at 9:34 am

    BRENDA /#15:

    (((BRENDA))) Lovely! I love the imagery. Thank you

  32.  #32Lolita on January 16, 2012 at 9:36 am

    I feel very sad today; It would have been 1 year today.

  33.  #33light heart on January 16, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Good morning sirens!

    what is known to me right now is that pulling flak is a direct consequence of staying invested in all the stuff that happened before, and i’d like to share what i’ve been getting from the abraham material that relates to this….

    all that is important is that it brought me to where I am now. I can thank it for that, for providing the contrast to see what I don’t want, and therefore to know more clearly what I do want

    To focus on all that stuff, it interferes with my Well-Being and that of the planet and beyond, because I am a very integral part of the expansion and evolving of the ever changing Universe and all that is

    It’s a derailment from the vibrational match of where I want to stay, which is where Source knows me and I know Source, ever increasing the joy from being in the flow of life

    That is part of what Robbins was showing with the woman in the video, to choose to tap into that feeling of joy, from remembering just the joyful feeling from an experience, but not all of her judgments and thoughts around it, just the feeling,

    which sets the momentum for being able to surf the wave in the best possible way, allowing, allowing….

    and choosing to stay with that vibration to break out of the crazy eight craziness pattern of spinning wheels in the same place,

    like when you get stuck in snow in your car and the wheels just keep spinning and you are going nowhere and you just get more and more frustrated and the frustration makes you do more of the same stuff that is not working,

    instead you get out of that and into the abundant flow where all the ease and flow and good stuff is…

    so, contrast is good in that it shows us what we don’t want so that we can know what we do want, and that’s a really good thing!

    i feel filled with the possibilities of life!


    light heart

  34.  #34Starla on January 16, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Hugs, Lolita. I feel your sadness (that’s okay, I can handle it). Wish I could take you out for lunch or something.

    That’s me, always wanting to make it better, lol.

  35.  #35Lolita on January 16, 2012 at 9:39 am

    ”What looks like love to you?”;

    – Bringing in a sunny disposition
    – Forgiveness
    – A soft touch
    – Being able to differentiate the little things from the big issues and just leaving the leaving things
    – Talking about the big issues in a loving conflict resolution way
    – Receiving
    – And yes GIVING! (I know it is not Sireny, but I LOVE to cook and this is a problem because it means I give every time I cook)

  36.  #36Silver Moonbeam on January 16, 2012 at 9:39 am

    I don’t really understand what “pulling flak” means. 🙁
    I can find the meaning for flak, but not the pulling of it, can anybody explain please as this may be an Americanism or hey it could be a new word that hasn’t made it to my generation yet. 😀

    Yesterday I did learn what the crazy 8 meant, wow that was so interesting and so true.

  37.  #37Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 9:49 am


    RE: #1829 from the last thread – I would say what you said, ask him to forward the emails, and then do nothing. I agree with the other women that it is better to take his word for it. My additional thought is that if he really emailed you, he would naturally forward them at your request.

    If he doesn’t forward them, I would quietly wonder if he was telling the truth about emailing you. But either way, the ball is in his court. Let him pick it up and toss it again.

  38.  #38Starla on January 16, 2012 at 9:51 am

    Silver Moonbeam, it means nagging, complaining, being harsh, never being satisfied. Could probably expand that definition, but it’s a good start.

  39.  #39Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 9:53 am

    Silver Moonbeam,

    RE: #31 – “Pulling” probably is an Americanism, like your “Spot on!” is a Britishism. 🙂

    Let me use it in context for you:

    “He pulled a fast one on me…”

    It means to deceive and gain an unfair advantage.

  40.  #40Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 9:59 am


    Any suggestions for me how to interact with my Mom to inspire her to quit pulling flak?

    My Mom pulls flak. I feel like rolling my eyes and when she does it, as she did Saturday, I say to myself, “Oh, here we go again!” It really doesn’t make the attention-giver feel good.

    Yeah, I’ll give her attention, because she is my mother and I love her and she is in a nursing home. It’s understandable that when you’re 79, you want to be with your children. But it feels a lot better when she is calling me to tell me something positive.

    I feel sad that she doesn’t have much positive happening in her life. And I feel like I am one of the few people who has the power to give her positive experiences.

  41.  #41lilybelly on January 16, 2012 at 10:01 am


    I love your heart, Starla.

  42.  #42Starla on January 16, 2012 at 10:02 am

    I don’t know, Brenda. I don’t have a relationship with my mother because I could never figure out how to stop her abusive, damaging flak-pulling.

    It all had to end when she lied to me about having deadly cancer (she does not have any form of cancer). I was in college and she called me in the middle of the school day to inform me she was sick with cancer. A cancer I, myself, am genetically at risk for. Really effed up. Then she tried to cover up her lie by saying it was a fluke CAT scan result, and that she actually has a rare liver disease. I research the disease and it is a dominant genetic disease, meaning that since neither of my grandparents have it, she absolutely cannot.

    Wish I could help you!

  43.  #43Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 10:03 am


    RE: #26 – Thank you and you’re welcome! It is all stuff I put together from Rori’s tools. But I like that way of putting it all together. It gives me an image, like a fantasy I can keep forefront in my mind when I feel him pulling away from me.

    Erasing quicksand and blame and all that has really made a huge difference in turning my relationship around!!

  44.  #44Starla on January 16, 2012 at 10:05 am

    Well, that’s not true, I CAN give you advice. Smile and nod and go to your happy place. She’s an old lady and is likely past any major personality reform.

    My mom, on the other hand, is still in her 40’s. She has plenty of time to get a freaking clue. I told her what my issue was, and she said she understood, and then never spoke to me again. She’s trying to talk to me now, but I stand my ground: no more lies, no more lies, no more lies. I told her I would love her without the lies. That it would be EASIER to love her, actually.

  45.  #45Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 10:07 am


    RE: #37 – That is rotten! Ouch, from your own mother!

    My Mom doesn’t do anything that extreme. But about 2 years ago, after repeated confrontations, she came clean on a Christmas Day!

    She confessed that sometimes she made up illnesses and whatnot to get my attention. More and more, she is trying to be mature and often tells me she wants me to spend time with my friends, etc.

    But I know she still feels like a lost child, and she really would prefer if she were my one and only friend. I feel sad for her, because she really has had a sad life.

    But she is not doing herself any favors to have a 20 year track record of “being on the verge of death.” It is to the point where even the staff don’t listen to her at the nursing home.

  46.  #46Camille on January 16, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Wow! I feel sad to know that someone is so desperate for attention they would go to that extreme to get it, when it seems so much easier to get it in a more positive way. Im sorry your mother has put you in that position. It must be frustrating to watch someone you love and would like to recieve love from hurt themselves so much

    Hugs to you

  47.  #47Dominique on January 16, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Flowrchild – I checked every source I have and trust, and not one mentioned evening primrose interfering with bc.

    As for the other, would you mind e-mailing me. This is a project I’m working on to make into a video in a series of videos about mind/body connection and healing.


  48.  #48Starla on January 16, 2012 at 10:13 am

    aw thank you lillybelly <3

  49.  #49Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 10:13 am


    RE: #39 – My Mom is surprisingly open to hearing stuff, now that I am equipped with feeling messages. I think she is really trying. But she also falls back into established patterns.

    Like in the last month, she had double cataract surgery, leaving her with near 20/20 vision (new and improved method!! :-)). Suddenly her vision was clear, and she saw some discoloration on her legs and ankles that she never noticed before.

    She told me frantically one day that she has gangrene going up her leg and no one will take her seriously. I didn’t even get upset. I just secretly rolled my eyes.

    Later, we saw her favorite nurse and asked him if he knew what it was. He had a medical name for it and everything! He totally explained it, and it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.

    Saturday, she told me her circulation in her legs and feet was gone, and her feet are all white and just on their way out, and it was probably just a matter of weeks before she was gone. She asked if I could please make some time to see her, and she was on the verge of tears. Again, I wasn’t concerned. I just catered to her because I was due to visit her anyway.

    I spent Saturday evening with her, and she didn’t so much as mention her feet or circulation. She just wanted my company. I wasn’t surprised.

    I guess I’ll just discuss it with her (again) in feeling messages.

  50.  #50Dominique on January 16, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Narcissist mothers can be difficult cross to bear, and the marks they leave on us can be even harder to heal from.


  51.  #51lilybelly on January 16, 2012 at 10:17 am


    AMEN, Sister, Amen.

  52.  #52Starla on January 16, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Camille, thank you for the nice hugs:)

    You know, CF grew up with a crazy mom, who has actually reformed and apologized, and tries to be the best mom she can now that she knows much better. He understands some of my hang-ups and shares his mom with me, hehe. I know this is looking into imaginary land, but she would make a good mother in law to me. All hope for a positive relationship with an older female is not lost.

  53.  #53Camille on January 16, 2012 at 10:28 am

    When we know better, we do better! ~Maya Angelou

    Makes self awareness even more important to me!

  54.  #54Starla on January 16, 2012 at 10:29 am

    Brenda, I am definitely not qualified to really help, but here are some ideas i have —

    maybe you could tell your mom that she can tell you any time she wants to see you, and you’ll do whatever you can to make the time to see her. No illness or worry needed.

    Don’t approach it like she is using illness to see you, either. Just tell her matter of factly, “mom, you know, i love you, and i want you to tell me whenever you want to see me, so i can make time.”


    just start seeing her every weekend or something, without her ever needing to ask. Bring her flowers or something.

    she needs your attention and this is how she’s been getting it. Since it works to get your attention, then maybe you could focus on just giving it to her anyway, without the negative patterns of hypochondria playing into it. So you could pay attention to her before she starts into her bad patterns and habits to get attention, preemptively:)

    I’m sorry about your mom. It sounds like she wants to be the child sometimes. I bet you’ve taken care of her emotionally for a lot of your life. This can be SO HARD. <3 love to you

  55.  #55Rose on January 16, 2012 at 10:30 am

    #42 Dominique I first learned from you the benefits of evening primrose and feel so appreciative, it has been extremely helpful in relieving pms symptoms physical and even mental I find..I take the supplements though maybe the tincture form is preferable?

  56.  #56light heart on January 16, 2012 at 10:34 am

    love you, girl, you are great, it feels bad
    to hear what you have been through with your
    mother, and how you are triumphing in your
    life despite that…

    and from what you say in #47,
    and what I am working with for myself,

    I think it is OK to focus on the good vibrational
    energy from the feeling of how you imagine
    it might feel to have a relationship with a
    woman like CFs mother, because it will
    align you with that, much better than focusing
    on the stuff that causes the bad feelings,
    because there is nothing you can do about
    what happened.

    staying with what brings joy, and thanking the other stuff for showing you what doesn’t bring joy


    light heart

  57.  #57Lolita on January 16, 2012 at 10:42 am

    I think all the men can see my sadness today; they all look away.

  58.  #58Starla on January 16, 2012 at 10:43 am

    thank you, light heart, that actually really resonates with me.

    I do really really like her, too! She feels the same about me. A first with any guy I’ve dated! The parents always just “tolerate” me lol

  59.  #59Camille on January 16, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Anniversary’s have done that to me in the past…but may I make a suggestion to shift your thoughts?

    It would have a been a year…..but it is also a year anniversary of something else. And instead of seeing it as something that could have been…..focus on what it is….

    Its a new beginning……..cherish how much you have grown in a year! And look forward to what will be next year.

    Choose to see whats great about today…….be sad about it being a year for a moment…..let that go and look at all you have to be grateful for!

    remember even when your feeling a little sad your beautiful!

  60.  #60Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 10:47 am

    This Magnetic Monday’s tip is on the subject of receiving feedback from your environment. Whatever you are experiencing in your reality is feedback from the Universe of what you are sending out with your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and ultimately, your vibration.

    Feedback is an important part of our reality as deliberate creators. Because of the Law of Attraction, our actions create reactions from the Universe. It is important to be able to observe what reactions your actions cause, and ultimately, create.

    If you want to magnetize more love in your life, you need to give out love. If you have someone in your life that pushed your buttons, instead of judging and criticizing them, send them thoughts of love.

    The negativity that others have within them is not about you. It is their own pain and confusion, and they project it from that set point. Instead of reacting to them, if you look beyond the pain and view them with compassion (which is a form of love – one of the highest vibrations in the Universe), you will be in a space of allowing. You will also magnetize to you their great and higher qualities, because that is what you are focused on.

    If you look for the negative and criticize, all they can do is show you where you are focused. If you look for their positive qualities and allow their negative qualities, you will soon see more of their positive ones on a more consistent basis.

    This makes you more attractive to what you desire.

    Have a great week, you amazing and powerful creator.

    Much love

    Christy Whitman

  61.  #61Lolita on January 16, 2012 at 10:47 am


    M took his keys away last spring too, and I never really spoke about it again. It was always bothering me though. I would say it is definetely worth bringing it up but you need a speach that is non-critical or complaining, but on how you feel, without focusing too much on the keys…

  62.  #62Lolita on January 16, 2012 at 10:48 am

    thank you Camille! 🙂

  63.  #63Camille on January 16, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Your welcome…
    Sorry about unsolicited advice (boy hat)

    but I dont want you to be sad!

  64.  #64Camille on January 16, 2012 at 10:55 am

    I was able to find a place this weekend that I am completely unauthentic.

    I make excuses to go get something from the store alot, when in all honesty im just wanting a little time to myself……Why do I think it sounds better to have a silly reason to get into my car, listen to uplifting music and drive around…..It was benefit everyone if I just simply stated…….I feel like I need just a few short minutes with myself???????? No wonder my family thinks they dont rank with a Diet Coke?

  65.  #65Camille on January 16, 2012 at 10:57 am

    I would be upset if I thought someone would rather go get a silly soda than spend some time with me

    But it would not upset me at all if they needed some time to themselves.

    Oh dear, I am important enought to crave and have a few minutes of eccentric Camille time LOL

    Making excuses for it LOL

  66.  #66Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 10:58 am

    Hmmm… What a good question.

    I really have no answer. Since I was a fairly young child, I’ve withdrawn when I wasn’t getting attention. I think now I get attention by giving attention.

    There’s that “giving” word – this is really opening some stuff up for me actually. I can see, in past relationships where I would give attention with the expectation of getting some back and if it didn’t work, it felt really bad. I think maybe this has healed along with the other healing I’ve been experiencing because I seem to just get attention now. From everywhere (except here sometimes, lol – thinking of when I was just speaking of feeling invisible on the last thread).

    It really does feel like I just draw people to me now though. Attention used to feel really important to me as a kid. My mom always seemed to have a lot on her mind and wasn’t always fully present with me. I would sense that lack of presence and just go hang out in my room by myself. It seems like I did that lots as a kid but I’m sure that memory just made a bigger impression on me, so it seems more prominent.

    Now that I’m coming out of hiding, and more present with myself (and more content with myself) -in real life at least, I’m realizing that people come to me for attention. It’s usually in a kind of shy way then once I respond warmly to them and open up they get all shiny and happy. I’m beginning to draw lots of people, women and men to me. That feels like confirmation of lots of healing in me.

    This feels really interesting. I’m going to process this some more and maybe get back to it. Right now it feels like I could chase this rabbit round and round the bush and end up with a really long comment before I came to any real answer.

  67.  #67Starla on January 16, 2012 at 11:10 am

    I swear it’s mostly pure accident that people want to be around me and that I get asked out and that I have a long lasting friendship (just 1 real 1, hehe).

    cuz i’m a weirdo and i haven’t the slightest clue what i’m doing. well, now i have a clue…but up till now, i was floating through life, feeling threatened and lonely and well i guess i still feel that way a lot, but you know;)

    it’s nice, though, to receive positive attention all the time anyway:)

  68.  #68Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Regarding the issue with the key, I would say bring it back to yourself Lili41 and check if there is some insecurity or see what you are saying to yourself. Everyone is entitled as a human being to do what they want in their life. Focussing on the key seem like such a small issue that I am wondering if there really is something underlying there that is not being addressed. It seems like focussing on his behavior. Remember you cannot change a man and you seem to have been doing so well lately that I can’t help wondering about the whole notion of thermostat setting for love or as Rose Cole puts it, bliss blocking. I would say try to assume that love is coming to you regardless of what the man in front of you is or is not doing. Love is coming to you and you are open to receiving it. So when he does show up with the key or someone else does you are automatically in receiving mode and will be able to recognize it when it finally shows up. When we are looking for things to find fault we will. It might just be time to pause and start looking for the good stuff.

  69.  #69Starla on January 16, 2012 at 11:14 am

    wow, i actually just felt compelled to text CF some work-related complaint.

    Really, I just want attention from him.

    I didn’t send the text.

  70.  #70Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Thanks for sharing that Sweetpea it kind of feels like where I am at in my life.

  71.  #71Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Starla – Alexandra Fox, another coach, says send that kind of thing to your girlfriend.

  72.  #72Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Girls, do you think that wishing a nice evening and finishing a text convo because I needed to visit someone could feel like a brush off to a guy?

  73.  #73lilybelly on January 16, 2012 at 11:26 am

    You can text me, Starla.


  74.  #74Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 11:29 am


    RE: #49 – I give her all the time I can already. I give her far more time than most adult women give their mothers. In the past, it was a codependent relationship.

    I talk with her on the phone every day, sometimes more than once. I visit her once or twice a week. Many times when I come back a week later, she says, “It’s been weeks since I saw you!”

    In her mind, I hardly ever visit her or call her, no matter how often. So, like I say, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

    The kicker is that I’ve offered for her to live with me many times over. So she could be with me every day if she wants. I don’t think it would be emotionally healthy for me to live with her, yet I feel sad seeing her living in the nursing home.

  75.  #75Starla on January 16, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Memulo, just tell him “ohh i feel excited to go see my friend, I better get running, it felt nice texting with you, bye!” and then let it go

  76.  #76Starla on January 16, 2012 at 11:33 am

    ohh brenda, how frustrating! you are a good woman for not giving up on her, and trying to field your way through it all, methinks:D

  77.  #77Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 11:33 am


    RE: #49 – I like this a lot:

    “maybe you could tell your mom that she can tell you any time she wants to see you, and you’ll do whatever you can to make the time to see her. No illness or worry needed.

    Don’t approach it like she is using illness to see you, either. Just tell her matter of factly, “mom, you know, i love you, and i want you to tell me whenever you want to see me, so i can make time.””

  78.  #78Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Thanks Starla, it already happened last night-) Have to admit, I felt a bit annoyed that he kept on texting instead of calling and asking me out

  79.  #79Starla on January 16, 2012 at 11:38 am

    hehehe lillybelly, i already do, by spamming this blog like crazy!! 😀

  80.  #80Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 11:39 am

    I didn’t want to say – let’s talk another time, so I said – enjoy your evening!

  81.  #81Mel on January 16, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Hrmmm, just wondering….

    So something was bothering me this morning. And I used really good feeling messages and left it open-ended and asked what he thought. And he wrote back and changed his plans because of what I said, but now feel bad. As if I manipulated him into changing his plans. But that’s truly not what my intention was. I had absolutely no expectation of him. And the last thing I want is for someone to feel obligated because of my feelings. So with the assumption that my FMs were all non-blamey and good (which I think they were) should I just assume that he’s doing this because he WANTS to?

  82.  #82Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 11:44 am


    RE: #71 – Thank you! All that aside, she really is one of my best friends. I love her dearly.

    But in 2008, the best therapist I ever had focused on that relationship above all else in my life as something unhealthy to work on. And this therapist was a woman in her 60s with a daughter.

    She was shocked when I told her how often we call and visit. She encouraged me to get my own life. We agreed that I would visit her once a week and have two phone calls a week…and she said even that is a lot!

    It was during that year that I repeatedly bowed out lovingly when my Mom got negative, at my therapist’s advice. I would give her a hug and say I will talk to you another time. I would tell her I love her but I am her daughter and can’t be her therapist.

    It was at the end of that year, if I remember correctly, that she came clean and we got a fresh start in our relationship on a healthier level.

    Little by little, I let phone calls be more frequent. I feel her slipping now back into unhealthy, codependent relational patterns.

    Thanks for your support!

  83.  #83Starla on January 16, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Memulo – for irritation with too much texting:
    “I’m feeling burnt out on texting; it would feel good to hear your voice. What do you think?”


    “i don’t want to text too much…it would feel good to hear your voice. what do you think?”

    I’m sure you’re doing great:)

  84.  #84Starla on January 16, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Mel, I sooo understand that feeling!! I have been through that a couple times with CF. Might I ask what the specific situation was?

  85.  #85Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 11:50 am

    “Pulled” – “to deceive and gain an unfair advantage.”

    “Flak” (or flack) – “a great deal of adverse criticism”

    Pulling flak – to manipulate by creating an uproar?

  86.  #86Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 11:56 am


    Re: #67 – That’s a good thing! It ups your level of difficulty.

    I need to get better at doing that with Ryan. He is almost always the one who ends a conversation. Not good.

  87.  #87FlowerChild77 on January 16, 2012 at 11:59 am

    Lili41/#14 I can relate to your situation. I am also in a ‘starting from scratch’ relationship. Although I have a lovely diamond ring and he’s asked me to marry him, I don’t feel much further along, as he does not want to spend time with me and the more time that passes, the the worse I feel about things.

    You said he didn’t seem open to wanting to talk about the relationship—perhaps it was just a bad time for him…? I also have a hard time talking to him about ”us.” I understand how you must feel.

    I also would be ‘bothered’ about the key thing. I think it’s because it feels like being welcome in his house/home makes me feel closer to him…and that he trusts me and it’s ok to come that close.

    I understand that others can “pick that apart” and say otherwise. I think I get how you feel about it because I am always welcome in bf’s house. I lived there for many years with him and it still feels like home in a way. But also, when we first started seeing each other I used to go over to his apartment (he lived across the street from me before buying the house) and make dinner or leave silly little notes. He liked it and I had fun with it.

    Now that I look back on it, I realize that I ‘needed’ that because I didn’t get to spend the kind of time with him that I needed, and so being in his space and around his favorite things helped me feel closer to him. That should have been a huge red flag, but there were so many other good things/qualities about him I tried to put that on the back burner and focus on the good.

    I clearly see that my capacity for intimacy has grown and increased over the years, and so him not wanting to spend a lot of time with me seemed a lot more “ok” with me, then.

    I’m not saying this is the case with you…just sharing a few of my thoughts….

  88.  #88Aurora Girl on January 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    76 Mel


    …….I believe this is what a good man does …..he adjusts….he listens…he adapts…..he wants to………

    and it`s all new to us when we haven`t had that happen before and we were the ones to accommodate and over function….

    so lol then the question is….can we sirens receive it…..


  89.  #89Mel on January 16, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Hey Starla,

    So things have been a little “off” with us intimately. Three times in a row, he has invited me over (truly just wanting/enjoying the companionship) but each time he’s been too tired for s*x. he’s been pretty stressed lately. This is unusual for us because we normally can’t keep our hands off each other.

    So it’s been a while without, and he invited me over tonight, then later asked about a rain-check when I mentioned wanting to go running tonight first, saying he had some stuff he could do anyways. So I said:

    “Sure. we can do a rain-check, but it will have to be later in the week because I have ballet for the next two days. But that makes me feel kinda crummy to wait. I feel impatient. I’m just a girl… and a really snuggly girl at that. And I feel really ‘off’ without a frequent supply of kisses and cuddles and touches. But I feel really content and confident and thrive as my best girly self when I get them. Hmm… but then I feel greedy and needy, which makes me feel bad. So… I don’t know. LOL, I do believe you just got another glimpse into the complicated workings of my feeling-y type brain! 🙂 Poor boy! What do you think?”

    Then he just replied that tonight will be just fine.

  90.  #90sunshine on January 16, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    when im feeling listened to and cared for thats when I feel love. when Im not given up on no matter what mistakes thats when I feel loved

  91.  #91Starla on January 16, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    I’m going to type up something really honest here…and maybe you all will think i’m a little psycho for it…and actually I would feel interested in hearing about it, if you do think I’m being crazy.

    What Starla wants:

    CF takes me to dinner. He seems nervous. I wonder if I’m in trouble but I lean back. Eeep, it’s hard to lean back!

    He has something on his mind. The food comes and we eat. We awkwardly stare at each other a lot. What the eff is on his mind? I wonder. He has something to say. He chickens out.

    We’re in the car and he asks if I want some coffee. Of course I do…I always want to spend more time with him. We get the coffee to go and sit on the hood of his car.

    He turns to me, finally ready to go for it, and he says, “I’ve been thinking I want to get serious with you…”

    And I tell him about how it feels wonderful to be with him, and how I feel supported and cherished in the context of our not-serious relationship, and ask him about what his plan is so I could feel that way in a serious relationship, because I don’t want to commit to one unless it means I’m getting married to a man who wants to build a future with me and for our future children.

    He tells me he is saving money for a ring and a wedding. That he is going to be making more money at work or that he is going to find a better paying job (actually, sirens, he has a very good jobskill that is in high demand…I don’t know why he doesn’t go and make 3x what he makes now, but I guess he really likes teaching and that’s okay with me too).
    Then my fairy godmother appears at midnight and turns my imaginary relationship ass into a pumpkin. Well, f*ck…


  92.  #92Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Thank you Starla and Brenda-)

    Brenda, I feel that if you keep on texting when you really want to be talking, it’s like a conversation is more important to you compared to the way you want to be treated. Even if I don’t feel this way at the moment it’s happening, looking back I do. So to get out of this loop it helps to politely finish a convo. In my case I sometimes do it on the border of giving an impression that I may not be that interested (not intentionally) – I think. Or maybe not. I somehow did not want to suggest a phone conversation because guys know they can just call lol.

  93.  #93Starla on January 16, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Ohh I have definitely DEFINITELY been there!

    Try your best to let him lead then. What’s done is done. Act like it was his idea, you know? Otherwise you will just be focused on how much he doesn’t want to be there, and you will actually manifest it with your attitude. I’ve sooo been there.

    Feel good that making you happy is very important to him:)

  94.  #94Aurora Girl on January 16, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    lol…..tell your fairy godmother she`s got the wrong address so she doesn`t sabotage your dream….and stick with it….

    sweety….you can have what you want.


  95.  #95Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    That’s great Starla, keep on dreaming BIG! Positive energy attracts good things. Melt into it- 🙂

  96.  #96Daria on January 16, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Pulling flack – means as I understand Roris use from before – to attract attacks and criticism from others.

  97.  #97Starla on January 16, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    I feel anxious at this 6 month mark. I’m not sure where this relationship is going. He’s said he’s made up his mind about me (in a positive way), but that’s where he’s left it. Nothing specific. I asked him in a moment of insecurity after I showed some emotion if he hated me. He told me he “opposite of hates” me. LOL. I fear if I don’t tell him to marry me, he’ll never be brave enough to ask.

    And of course, that fear is a self-sabotaging, manifesting force. So I lean back from it as much as possible. I have lots of faith in him and his bravery. I’ve seen it time and time again. So I have a choice here to lean back, and I take it.

    But fffffffffuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkk it is hard!!! I have all these other CDs now, and I’m scared, thinking, oh god, what if they’re all proposing to me at once??? Hearts will be broken. I do not like this one bit:(

  98.  #98mali on January 16, 2012 at 12:24 pm


    I dream of this happening… DREAM, carry on dreaming! Just realise that it may not happen with CF (let’s hope it does), but it WILL happen eventually!

    Actually, I wanted to rant a little… remember MedCD? I stalked him again on FB… feeling scared of being judged here…
    But yah, I fb-searched him again (we’re not friends), and he’s changed his picture. He has sunglasses on, in a white shirt, leaning baaaaaack…. looking cool.

    And it really turned me off.

    Worrying about these judgements I’m making, but at the same time, I think it’ll mean I’ll stop wondering/obsessing about him now.

    Because for me, smiling, WHATEVER, apart from consciously doing the “I’m-so-cool” pose is something I always love in pics. But the bad boy/looking cool thing is something I really hate…

    Hmm… I feel kinda disconnected, and all judgy… bleurgh. HATE the new pic!

  99.  #99Starla on January 16, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Also, his best friend, who is a girl he used to date, got married by telling her boyfriend at the time that it was d*mn time already.

    And his sister got married by getting pregnant…

    So I wonder if he has the good sense to get down on one knee and ask.

    Ohhh MY GOODNESS, Ladies!!! I am so up in his business and up in my head.

    I am ceasing this nonsense of what he’s thinking immediately and going to focus on something that feels better, lol, like how nice it would feel to have a lifelong relationship with a man who has CF’s good qualities.

  100.  #100Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Starla @ 86,

    Lol, girl! I just love your voice. You are such a joy and a beauty to behold – I see you’re not convinced of that still, so I wanted to tell you – from the bottom of my heart – how much I love it. Fear of social enthusiasm, be damned! (Oh! I mean – here’s a cookie. Get to your corner, NV).

    It’s taken me awhile to not feel completely idiotic when I engage in positive imagery. I’m wondering what it would feel like for you to imagine him not being shy and just saying what’s on his mind. Heck, if we’re gonna imagine the good stuff – let’s imagine it BIG! Imagine whatever you want. I believe that imagery sends the message out to the Universe telling it what we’re really looking for and it will give it to us.

    Dream big, Siren! There’s no harm in it – in fact I believe only good can come from it! We’re creating and manifesting our lives here – let’s create them the way we REALLY want them to look.

    You, crazy? Like me, only in the best possible way. I’m coming to terms with my “craziness”. It’s part of what makes me unique and fun. I can’t say I’m in love with the term still, but I do feel less judgment around it. I’m free to act as crazy as I want – and if I am a little crazy, well I’m a functioning crazy (like a functioning alcoholic?), so it’s all good! Heehee

  101.  #101Mel on January 16, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Thanks Starla and Aurora Girl!

    You’re right… he does just want to make me happy.

    I just don’t want to make him make me happy! LOL

  102.  #102Starla on January 16, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Mali, I hated my ex’s new pics on fb after we were no longer fb friends. It made me angry. I felt turned off, but angry for it, like “how dare you be such an idiot in this picture, that i wasted my time on you, because i really wanted you to treat me right and step up all the way, and you let me down and it broke my heart and now i feel ashamed ever liking your stupid ass in your stupid picture.”

  103.  #103sunshine on January 16, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    mali I can sooo relate saw a fb pic of a guy Im trying to get over and it helped its so annoying he has his shirt off and its like hes trying too hard to be sexy lmao. Hes trying to get the likes this, and the comments lol no one has commented poor little guy haaha

  104.  #104FlowerChild77 on January 16, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    I can very much relate to having a negative mother who’s “sick” all the time. It was awful. She passed away last year of COPD (she smoked and refused to listen to anyone about stopping.) I did not realize, until I talked to the doctor and saw her death certificate that one could actually die from COPD.

    Toward the end (last few years) I was going back and forth taking care of her and because I was the only one, she had to give permission for me to speak with her doctors. It just confirmed what I’d known for years. She liked being sick and telling lies about me so people would feel sorry for her. Sounds so terrible, but it’s true. Even her psychiatrist/s said there was nothing they could do to help her, as her attitude was so bad and she refused to see past blaming everyone and everything—never taking responsibility for anything in her life.

    She INSISTED there was always something wrong with her. Even after getting a clean bill of health, instead of being happy, she would always say, “But I KNOW something is not right with_______(fill-in-the-blank-of-the-day.”

    It was so bad that the nursing home she was at for rehab after a knee replacement sent her to the ER last Christmas day because she was threatening to sue them. There was NOTHING wrong with her stomach (which was the disease-du-jour) and they released her from the nursing home against medical advice because she was talking law-suits and all kinds of nasty stuff.

    She was SO VERY angry when she realized that other family members had told me about all the horrible LIES she’d telling them about me.

    She left me a rather lenthly “I hate you” letter. I read the first few paragraphs and refused to read on any further. It was the only way I could protect myself from such a cowardly act.

    I did love my mother, but she was a very sick woman. I was relieved to have been able to talk with her doctors and finally know that it wasn’t “all in my head.” (Which is what she always told me—she said it was ME who was wrong, inappropriate, selfish, uncaring, ungrateful and on and on and on…..)

    Ok…enough about that negative stuff. Actually, I think I’ve turned out quite well, considering the crap that was drummed into my head most of my life. (Lots of verbal abuse/neglect from a very young age.) I left home at 14..I could see no other way out of the drama-hell of that house.

    I’m a lucky girl! 🙂 And finding Rori and her tools has been SUCH a blessing.

  105.  #105Radiance on January 16, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    I am feeling residual crumminess from attention-seeking behavior Saturday night at a dinner party at some friends’ house.

    I was unaccompanied and I was dressed to kill wearing black knee-high lace up boots and tight pants that flatter one of my more notable assets. The boots never fail to get everyone’s attention–men and women.

    I had brought some home-made bread (I was asked to… and I ate some even though I’m trying to avoid gluten) and I helped my friend serve the meal in courses paired with wine. I was getting comments from the men while serving… all in good fun. Cocktails had been flowing, now the wine was.

    During one of the later courses one of the men said, “Can we have some more of that bread?” (which was on a sideboard next to the dining table). I said, “Sure,” and I jumped up to go slice it and serve. As I was slicing it, one of my female friends said, “I don’t know if he wanted more bread or just to see you bent over with those boots on.” We all laughed. And what did I do, I intentionally angled my a*s to be more in your face and I started wiggling it exaggeratedly while I was cutting the bread. That got a laugh. After serving everyone I returned to my seat and the male friend seated next to me said, “You know, you’re wild when (your partner) is with you, but when he’s not, you’re a little more wild.”

    Later after the meal was finished up, there were some tunes playing loudly and I got a few folks up and dancing to a few of the songs. It was fun, but the next day I felt kind of uncomfortable about attention-seeking by putting on the “wild woman”.

    I have been doing a bit more of this in the past few years as I have increased my self loving. Usually it feels fine and my friends egg me on and are accepting, but this time it felt a little off to me afterwards.

  106.  #106Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    Starla @ 62,

    It’s no accident. Even at your prickly Dorothea stage, there was an authenticity and genuiness about you that draws people in.

    Even though it might have felt a little scary, and they might have kept distance to keep from getting “poked”, they still wanted to get closer to that. Now it’s just easier for people to come close – way less stickers to worry about.

  107.  #107Daria on January 16, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    I get attention by helping… Pointing something out for improvement

    Saying something funny

    Or something smart w new information

  108.  #108Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Starla you had me transfixed there for a moment believing that it actually happened. Then you had to go burst my bubble when I realized it was all a dream. Dammmm girl

  109.  #109Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    FW @ 65,

    I feel curious… did you also withdraw when you weren’t getting attention? Or is it the experiencing healing and drawing people to you now that feels familiar to you?

    You don’t have to answer if it doesn’t feel safe for you. I just feel very curious about this for some reason.


  110.  #110Daria on January 16, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Radiance – I feel sad that you felt bad. I don’t want to feel bad enjoying and showing off my beautiful assets… It feels fun free and powerfully feminine

  111.  #111Starla on January 16, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Flower Child, that all sounds eerily familiar to me. Sorry you’ve been through such a painful mess. I feel terrible for your mother, too, who harbored irrational contempt until the day she died. Thank you for sharing.

    Rori has been the biggest help to me, too. More than yoga or psychotherapy or any of that, lol.

  112.  #112Daria on January 16, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Sometimes I get quiet and go alone to a empty area of the room to get attention I think

  113.  #113Radiance on January 16, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Daria 105

    I feel sad about feeling bad too. There was something different about this time.

  114.  #114Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Radiance I am here wondering if that is not just your nvs shouting at you. That was a fun read and seems you had a good time. I see nothing wrong there. Girl live your dream, you were there for fun and you had some. Embrace your inner wild girl, obviously she is there and wants your love and attention. I loved the story.

  115.  #115Radiance on January 16, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    I know I have a life long vow to be invisible that I am overcoming. And the pendulum has been swinging and it has felt good for the most part.

  116.  #116Daria on January 16, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    I love my mother. She was depressed most of my life so I took a bow to not feel my feeling or burden my family anymore with any needs or with any of my problems. I felt guilty for not wanting to be around her more when she was staring out vaguely in space. It feels heartbreaking and terrifying and I just grab and hold my heart everytime I see it still.

    I got attention by always being cheerful silly and funny and childlike playful sweet and baby voicing.

  117.  #117Radiance on January 16, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    109 FW

    Thank you for your support. Yes, I think it is my nvs.

  118.  #118Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    Sweetpea I remember myself as being quiet and I tend to go into a shell/cave now when I feel some kind of rejection. So I believe it was my way of getting attention. But after what I have heard from Rori’s teaching I am not so convinced that is bad because of the leanback tool in the energy bubble. I believe it work in all relationships. Just that I would stonewall when they moved toward me. Just didn’t know how to get out of the funk.

    In real life now I am drawing more people towards me because of the change. I used to be the rejected one at work but now I am the star. I believe, now looking back, that a lot of what happened was because of what was going on inside me and I was looking to prove myself right.

  119.  #119Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Radiance it might have felt off because you went a little further than you normally do. I sounds to me like you expanded your comfort zone. You were loving yourself and having zone even in their presence. I don’t see much in life that is more inspiring than that kind of thing.

  120.  #120Starla on January 16, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Radiance, I want to add to the other great comments that it might also help to remember that just because you were extra wild one night doesn’t mean you are now required to always rise to that level of wildness. You can be however you want, at any given time.

  121.  #121Starla on January 16, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Ohhh sweetpea, you have picked the perfect name for yourself, thank you for the SWEET words, they mean so much to me… 🙂 <3

  122.  #122Daria on January 16, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    You know I feel really mad at the blog and life in general.

    I did my 3rd chackra and 5th chakra work to be more ME out in the world and the result instead of feeling glorious completely …. I pulled flack and got attacked, accused of everything NOT what I was doing, TOTALLY AND PROFOUNDLY not seen

    Attacked – 3rd person debated about with lots of digs judgements and assumptions about me

    Just the worst as I would expect in my family

    I feel really pist about that.

    I want to acknowledge I was seen by some…. And that I had the same feeling of mountain in the face of the storm – i still feel admiring of this though i judge worry about it – that I’ve had w previous times of new boundaries for me – which later turned out to settle in a great feeling place and heal my family dynamic and even get adopted in.

    Yeah so I wanted to tell you universe I feel mad.

    And blog I feel mad.

    I don’t want to walk on eggshells in you.

    I feel so furious imagining that I’m being asked to do that – that’s my interpretation of what I was asked .

    I wasn’t gona say specifically by whom. Foes it matter or am I covering now out of fear.

    I did stop outta fear

    Fear of more repercussions

    People don’t want the real me

    I love me

    I always want you Daria.

    Yeah I felt reay mad I still feel really mad and it feels exciting to say that out loud.

  123.  #123Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Mel I like your feeling messages. What came to mind is that he is not a mind reader and it is one thing guys complain about. They want to know what they can do to make you happy. It is best to get it out there than have him guessing at what you want or go off and does what he want and then have you blow up later because of built up resentment. The Love Languages book and CCarter encourages us to know what we want and share it in a mature way to have our needs met. I believe CCarter talks about it in terms of radical honesty and how guys experience it as confidence. It is also our psychology that he should know what I want if he loves me and I should not have to tell him. For me the thing is to notice what works and do that instead of talking to myself in my head.

    There is a book that I believe either Rori or CCarter spoke about. I think it is He’s Just not Up For It Anymore by Bob Berkowitz. I don’t know how old your guy is but the book is about men over 40 who tend to withdraw from sex and what women can do about it. I borrowed the book from the Library so you might be able to find it. If nothing else it might be a good read for you and open your eyes a bit for things that might help you in the future.

  124.  #124Daria on January 16, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Waysi get attention I say something deep and surprisingly different/opposite from the main stream belief – to invite wonder and curiosity.

    And to make me seem smart or funny.

    Love to me!

    Yesterday I was with a cd who in the first 15 min shared w me basically all the cultural stereotypes he had for people – including women from my area

    I found myself not saying that I felt shocked but instead stayed kinda curious

    Well though I didn’t I noticed I did share my feelings about done stuff with noises … Awww when he said something about the couple in the car next to us

    And I talked about my own beliefs just naturally as part of other convos and I think they are even heard more that way!

    Like he will hear them as interesting and if they feel better than his I bet hell subconsciously pick then up

    Cuz he was actually a nice guy

  125.  #125FlowerChild77 on January 16, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Starla…yes…she was bitter and resentful and hateful…and refused to see that she was only poisoning herself with all of it.

    I, also, have had therapy and lots of other self-help and nothing compares to what I’ve learned from Rori.

    I am forever grateful that I was able to detach from her negative energy. When I find it hard to look in the mirror and tell me that I love myself unconditionally, I remind myself how important it is to do so in order to stay “in the light.” 🙂

  126.  #126Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    Memulo I feel curious, at what time was that text conversation going on?

    I have also heard advice to let the guy get the last word. It signals that you will allow him to lead. It is something I have started to practice. Think of it in terms of having an argument. Do you want to give the impression that you will always fight or you have to have the last word? Doesn’t that feel competitive?

  127.  #127Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    FW @ 113,

    Oh my! I feel so much agreement with this. I too… well I wouldn’t really say stonewalling in my case, but I felt shy and hesitant to open up to the attention when it WAS offered. I felt afraid to open up and show my exuberance and feelings of thankfulness for the attention. I always had an inner belief that they were giving me the attention not because I was worthy of it, but just because I wanted it. Feelings of guilt maybe, feeling manipulative. It wasn’t good enough because I felt like I “forced them” somehow and they didn’t come to me on their own.

    I had much the same experiences at work, too. I’ve always been a star, but I was so shut down to any kind of acknowledgement (the last 10 years, anyway). Now, I feel like I’ve unblocked that and I could shine like the star I am, (that feels cocky and kinda bad, but I’m leaving it), but I want to shine on my own stage now. I don’t want to play it small and only help the people who are brought to me to help and in the way assigned to me to help them.

    Oh boy – that feels really scary to write. I feel hesitant and still like a hiding a bit. But… it’s my truth, so I’m leaving it. Scary, scary, scary.

  128.  #128Starla on January 16, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    FlowerChild, I told CF, “I know there is this idea floating out there that I’m a grown woman now and what happened to me with my parents is no longer supposed to affect me, but actually I find that because of what I went through, I have to ask myself in every single human interaction if I am reacting to that person or if I am reacting to my mother.”

    He told me that most people just pretend like they’re not affected by their negative experiences with their parents but go on reacting to them through other experiences with other people. And that is the difference between me and all the other assh*les in the world.
    LOL, thanks CF.

  129.  #129Mel on January 16, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    118: FW

    Can you elaborate on the “not a mind-reader” comment?

    I thought I was fairly specific on what I wanted (cuddles and kisses and touches).

    Yesterday, i was fairly proud of myself for being radically honest. He apologized for feeling “off” and tired and that it was absolutely not me at all, and then said “but you can come over here and snuggle me.” and i smiled and said “Nope! It would feel much better if you were to come over here and snuggle me!” Of course, he happily complied. 😉

    I know of the book you are referring to, and it is a good one. For My Mr. A, it is quite obvious that he’s just had a very crazy/stressful week. It’s really completely understandable.

  130.  #130Daria on January 16, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    I feel bad . Imaginary images of people from the blog are coming in to my consciousness and expressing their disapproval of me. I can hear them sucking their teeth or see their faces expressing disdain and gear them talking in third person about me judging me.

    I feel tingly and tight in my solar plexus.

    I fel surprised to find I feel glad and relieved to have talked about my imaginary voices.

    My heart feels like it catches when one comes up.

    And my lower back and inner thighs tighten

  131.  #131Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    I’m feeling really happy with myself and life lately. I’ve had some intense experiences and I’m learning a lot. That feels like relief and understanding and that feels good, peaceful.

    I’m learning to feel strong in the vibration that I want to create for myself.

    and not get so easily drawn in by what is happening around me.

    This feels really freeing, like I can fly on my own and I am not dependent on others.

    I control my vibration, me and only me.

  132.  #132Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Starla @ 116,

    Awww, thanks. I feel a little shy and blushing. Social exuberance – I’m so glad you brought that up (was it on the last post?). Because it’s something I realize I’ve been hiding from in myself for a long, long time.

    It feels good to be able to open up and be exuberant without hearing the “Oh jeez. Settle down little girl. You’re too loud and embarrassing me.” That’s an innate fear I’ve had for soooo long, it almost became invisible to me.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  133.  #133Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    What anybody else thinks of me is not my business


  134.  #134Starla on January 16, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Mel, I know you addressed FW, but it seems to me like he wasn’t a mind reader BEFORE you were specific, which is why when you got specific, he said nevermind on the raincheck and offered you what you want.

    Unless I missed a detail in there. If I did, sorry!!

  135.  #135Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    121 FW,

    The guy started texting me around 5:30 and by 7pm we exchanged a couple of rounds. I really did need to go, so my intention was to let him know politely. So I answered a question in his last text, said that i was on my way to visit friends and wished him a nice evening. Did not intend to have the last word really.. did not want to suggest to talk another time, he has my number and can contact me another time lol. Did not feel like not answering and only getting back this morning with ‘oh I was out’ message either.

  136.  #136Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    82 FlowerChild have you shared a speech with him that suggests “I am here with you and I feel lonely and don’t want to feel that way with you.” In relation to talking about “us” I see where several coaches suggest that men don’t bond through talking but through doing things together and through teasing. Some of them get flooded and tune us out when we talk a lot. Is there a way to just spend time in each others presence even if it is just watching tv together although some guys seem to need more space than others. The thing though is change in yourself is what is likely to inspire change in him. I don’t know, maybe finding a way to communicate your feelings aside from using words might help.

  137.  #137Starla on January 16, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Sweetpea, that was on the last post I think. Who knows…it all blurs together, 2000 comments at a time, hehe!

    I am an extremely socially exuberant person. Ever since I started dating CF, I let it hang out a lot more. I appreciate people so much. I want them to know. CF was so receptive to my compliments that I started telling others. My best friend of 18 years noticed. She said to me “I always told you I love you but only lately do you say it back or tell me on your own that you appreciate me.” I was shocked. I couldn’t remember her ever saying she loved me, actually. It must have been because I was so focused on my own fear of being too lean-forwardy with people and then getting rejected for it.

  138.  #138Daria on January 16, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    I’m seeing that I don’t want to go to a guys house for early dates. Like first or second.

    I feel under pressure and insecure

    No wonder Rori says not to

    And I feel more like not as special fancy romantic

  139.  #139Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Memulo from what I have learned here it seems to me that wishing him a nice evening might be considered as giving to him and Rori suggests that you don’t to be giving to him like that. She even used the words “I have to go now” as something we should try to avoid doing. Maybe writing a script for yourself about this kind of scenario might help for future reference?

  140.  #140Liz on January 16, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    I SO feel like pulling flak and getting some attention….
    I am really struggling today….
    I meditated, I walked by my power waterfall and I still am feeling completely and utterly unsupported, even though I know I am somewhere somehow.

    I feel like a dead weight on the world.
    AccountantCd is in his office across the street and he used to be the guy I could call on when I am feeling low on confidence, like I am now…
    this is not an isolated feeling, I am getting ready to have my first open house at the doctor’s office. It is an event to introduce me as a new member of the practice and I already feel like a total failure…
    So, I want to pull flak in a HUGE way to pull me away from the tension of preparing for this big day….

    I guess I just need to make up a schedule first of what I will do and then what type of promotional materials I will have. I think I will have brochures about me and then focus on rebuilding adrenals and have a couple of dishes that support the adrenals. And I will offer a short group meditation at noon to reduce stress…and maybe some 15 minute one-on-one

  141.  #141Starla on January 16, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    Sweetpea, I also meant to add, that your receptivity to my exuberance is really encouraging me in general to keep it up. I just like everybody, really. I want to spread the lurv.

  142.  #142Starla on January 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Liz your plan sounds great! I wish I could be there!

  143.  #143Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Mel your post kind of felt to me like you did not want to have to share that kind of message with him. I thought it was excellent just that in 76 above you said you felt you manipulated him into changing his plans. The later post with the fms was very clear about what you wanted so he did not have to read your mind. I thought it was beautiful.

  144.  #144Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm


    I feel kinda bad for contributing to the feelings of rejection and bad. For me, it was all my stuff – my triggers. I worked through them for the most part, yet – I want to be authentic here, but I don’t want to hurt you.

    I’m just going to say this and I hope that you won’t feel too mad. I see the opposition that you mention and I feel myself rebelling against it as opposition. Sometimes it feels like you go against the grain, just for the sake of doing it and then give everyone the middle finger when they bring it up. I don’t know how to say that without using the word “you”, so I’m just going to.

    We’re all here to help each other heal, I believe, even if it’s inadvertant. I feel a little judgment of you still because I “see” things that don’t feel good to me – taking things too far. Oh that feels bad to write. In the things posted from Rori about the squeaky voice and the drama queen, I saw how she was still asking that it not be directed toward others here, yet my perception was that it was still being directed toward others here.

    I like the idea about using a different name and coming on here anonymously to try out a different “voice” and I may employ that in the future, yet I still don’t want to come off as att*cking. I want to share what I see without being blaming.

    The biggest thing for me was that it looked just like what I saw my dad doing and then hurting over. I’ve seen him recreating this pattern of rejection for himself most of my life. It feels really bad to me. I felt like, “no, no, no. Don’t do that. It will end up feeling bad.” As if I was trying to warn someone not to drive off of a cliff, but they couldn’t see me. They were so caught up in themselves and doing what they saw as right, that they just couldn’t see what I saw.

    That’s my trigger though. It felt very frustrating and I felt angry at the time that I was being ignored when I only had the best intentions. I trust that you’ll get through this though, and that you won’t experience a lifetime of pain. You will find the “sweet spot”, what works and what doesn’t. I want that for you. I have to trust that you’ll find it.

  145.  #145Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 1:39 pm


    Thanks. But what if I do need to go? We both know that for him it would be very easy to just call me after the first text or two and make plans. Also, I feel that it would be easy for him to call me today and make plans. It’s not that complicated:)

  146.  #146lilybelly on January 16, 2012 at 1:41 pm


    I am practicing this too, FW.

  147.  #147Daria on January 16, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    I feel wayyy too scared of my social exuberance…

    And I love the sweetness of my exhuberance in general

    I feel so triggered!

    I can let it show by playing in the mirror now


    Feeels soooo scary

    Love to me

    On gosh I feel terrified

    And you know what feels bad and I’m noticing it happens – when I’m exhuberance and come in and say something to my parents and they’re don’t answer when they’re distracted or maybe angry

    It feels bad and I don’t want that anymore

    It feels like falling into a wet mattress sponge

    Scampering and yet shocking somewhat first

    And just dussapointment

    Heartbreak then dulled

    I love me

    I usually just acquiesce to bejbv ignored … Really do t know what else to do but it feels bad

    Also flip dude so angry when mom comes I and I’m on phone and she acts like that doesn’t matter and I should try in what shd wants or listen to her immediately – tho shd always prioritized phone all over me as a child

    I feel resentful


    And angry

    Wow it feels good to feel free to talk about these emotions

    It’s not making it worse

  148.  #148Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    Starla @ 132, 136,

    I feel much the same. The fear of rejection, of having my exuberance squashed down – very scary. It feels good to show a little exuberance and have it warmly accepted. I feel safer being more exuberant with more people and less scared of their embarrassment or rejection of it.

    I’m realizing that if people “reject” it – that’s really their issue – their embarrassment and wanting to not have attention drawn to them. I believe most people still secretly eat it up, so perhaps with those people who have their own reasons for not wanting attention drawn to them by my exuberance, I can just tone it down a bit, I wonder. Yet still let my exuberance out to run and play and be as exuberant as I wish with those who are accepting of it.

    No more complete lid on the exuberance though. I’m exuberant! It is lovely! I don’t want to keep a lid on it anymore! But I can tone it down a bit for those who feel embarrassed by it. Maybe.

  149.  #149Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm


    You are practicing letting a guy have the last word?

  150.  #150Starla on January 16, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    memulo 140 – i get going from texts by saying “ohh i feel motivated to go work out, talk later bye”

    use a feeling message and go already. live your life.

    fw’s advice to you is really awesome because it is so much about vibe, girl/boy energy, letting him lead, and you receiving and not worrying about what he thinks nor closing off to him. I think it merits serious consideration at all levels, not just texting.

    It can feel tricky, no? It’s a balance of what FW is saying and not getting so bogged down with saying the right thing that it becomes all about him and how he’ll react in a roundabout way.

    Hope this makes sense, feel free to ask for clarification– I can be confusing!

  151.  #151Daria on January 16, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Sweetpea – I do go against the grain,

    And I feel heartbroken about the ‘just for the sake of doing it’


    My beautiful honorable intentions not seen and honored universe!!!! I feel mad.

    I don’t want this assumed about me.

    I feel really upset. Pinch in my chin
    Tight in my thighs tremble in my chest

    Tremble on my liver

    I love me

    Tight at 1st chakra

  152.  #152Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    No it is not that complicated Memulo. There is a new cd who told me today that he was waiting to see if I would call him. I told him I don’t want to be calling men. He texted hi late last nite. I did not respond. Then when I was on the dating site he sent me an email how I was doing today so I respond I am relaxing. He waited a while then called and went into telling me I had said I would call since Friday nite and I didn’t. He feels totally safe to me and like he is really trying to get me to feel safe with him. I also believe that is his way of telling me that he needs encouragement to move forward. But I am not committed to calling him and he knows that.

    That being said my point is that you don’t always have to text back. I would check in with myself if there is a fear there that I might be feeling like I might lose him so I need to be polite. Texting back and forth for hours give the impression also that you have nothing else going on in your life so you are sealed to the phone waiting with baited breath for his every text and call. I would ask myself if this is the impression I want to create or if I also want him to realize that I have a life. Men do what they want and my experience is that the ones who believe that I am waiting at their beck and call tend to take me for granted by playing the cat and mouse game. I am not saying that is what is happening with you just that I am encouraging you to look at the message that you might be inadvertently conveying.

  153.  #153Silver-Tongued Siren on January 16, 2012 at 1:47 pm


    I need guidance on what to do with Man-I-Live-With’s phone calls, invites, etc.

    For the last wk and a half he hasn’t been home, he’s been taking “space”.
    When he has invited me anywhere I have reminded him that I don’t think it’s a good idea, although I would LOVE to be having dinner with him or be home together, but that I need to feel safe, loved, honored, cherished, and to know that we are only having sex with each other, and our relationship is the priority.

    He calls, texts, drops in “to get this or that”, and we also have contact regarding business as I work for him. I have to discuss business with him, so keep it as short as possible and only contact when necessary and even then try to only TEXT.

    Should I accept his phone calls and be quick and friendly? Should I not answer his calls at all?

    He drops in to get things, or deal with business. But he is really doing it to maintain his connection with me and baby. He wants to see me, but has not yet made any agreements about my boundaries.

    I haven’t said anything about him dropping in, nor have I moved any of his things. Instead I just try to be cheerful, focused and busy when he is here.

    Should I be attentive? Should I leave?
    Would it be bad if it seemed like I left purposely BECAUSE of his presence?

    It’s also a big ordeal to leave anyway, with baby, not to mention I don’t have money to be driving around.

    How do I handle his calls and drop ins?

    He called earlier, talked about business, I answered his questions. He wanted to know about my weekend, I answered his questions. He told me he didn’t go out this wknd (which I only feel bad about him not wanting to be home with his family, instead staying out all night or wknd and I miss our time together since I am home with baby. I am sure if he wanted me to go he would make it work though I know baby is not ready for more than a couple hours away.) I asked if he didn’t go out because he felt under the weather, he said yes, though he had a couple people come over (I am sure he wanted to make me curious, and also show he isn’t lame, but I didn’t fall into that trap, did NOT ask questions.) He said he made food, asked if I would like him to bring what was left over. I said no I was fine, I just ate. He said he thinks he might stop by later to pick something up. But that he would call first.

    The other night after asking me for dinner plans (which I did not accept), he came over in the morning and let me know I missed a great meal, told me all about it, and that he invited a guy friend of ours over (letting me know he wasn’t with any other woman) – (tho he still talks to/hangs out with the woman “friend” he slept with, as he did after the first time this happened – and also has been flirting with other women since taking “space” – and I do not feel good about that.) But anyway, so he KNOWS I have drawn the line, because I am not doing everything he wants me to do – where usually I am at his beck and call – no more – that is a privilege he gets when he decides to do the work of healing himself, ourselves, and putting our relationship first.

    Conflict is the greatest opportunity for growth. Your perceived “problems” are really nothing external but rather internal so can not be blamed on your partner. These things will follow you wherever you go, to any relationship you are in, so you may as well stay where you are and do the work!!!

    I love him so very much, it feels painful to me to see him go through struggle to face himself.

  154.  #154Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 1:47 pm


    I feel that a guy with a relationship potential will not ask you to his place on the first couple dates. He will want to take you out to impress you.

  155.  #155Starla on January 16, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Also see my post #78 for ways to get off texting and on the phone.

  156.  #156Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    Daria @ 146,

    Ok. I said what I said in hopes that it would develop some understanding between us and I just wanted to authentically let you know where I was at with it.

    I wasn’t wanting you to feel bad, even though I was feeling frustrated and angry at first. Once I started realizing what was being triggered for me, I put my attention to the trigger and that felt better.

    I feel pretty proud of myself for noticing so quickly. My rebellion against opposition is strictly my own as well.

  157.  #157lilybelly on January 16, 2012 at 1:55 pm


    Yep, I sure am. I am practicing letting T be the last to speak/text and also practicing leaning back in his presence..meaning NOT having to fill space with words and just being in his presence and he in mine and it feels odd sometimes, but the more I practice, the easier it gets.

  158.  #158Silver-Tongued Siren on January 16, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    134 FW
    “from what I have learned here it seems to me that wishing him a nice evening might be considered as giving to him and Rori suggests that you don’t to be giving to him like that. She even used the words “I have to go now” as something we should try to avoid doing.”

    I am confused about how to end conversations as well.
    I do try to not use “i have to go now” type phrases. I do though, still say things like that “I think I’m going to go eat now”, because they aren’t ending the conversation and I’m ready!!!

    I can’t ALWAYS be like “yaawwwn I’m so sleepy”
    what are other ways, Sirens, to end phone calls or text conversations?? Let’s come up with a list!

  159.  #159Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    SST I saw your earlier post on the other thread and can only say that for me I could not live with a man who regularly goes out to sleep over at other women’s homes or have relationships with other women. But that is me. It is my belief that mixing business and romance is just too complicated for me to handle.

  160.  #160Daria on January 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    Ouch pain 🙂

    No one ever understands us my precioussss….

  161.  #161Silver-Tongued Siren on January 16, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    147 FW

    That being said my point is that you don’t always have to text back. I would check in with myself if there is a fear there that I might be feeling like I might lose him so I need to be polite.”

    Good point. That is exactly what I am thinking when I am texting. With some I am already familiar with there is no need to “end” the conversation as really it’s just always OPEN. But I HAVE noticed when my men are not responding to me immediately it draws me in. I am sure there is a line where it IS rude as in they MUST just be ignoring you because you KNOW they have their phones..
    but I don’t think you need to respond immediately to everything or necessarily end a text conversation. I believe that leads a man to use text messages more as a mode of communication rather than a call.

    What do you all think about using texting as a primary mode of communication, anyway?
    Is that ok if you feel ok with it?

  162.  #162turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    The women in my family aren’t attention seakers, at least not over illness, depression type issues… but lord have mercy, my mother in law is. When I met her 18 years ago, she was only 42, and she’s been dying every day of her life since. She does have some health issues, not negating that…. but she is a lot of drama, will have “bad dreams” at 7:00 at night, and call out to her husband and son… and they go to her! About 5 years ago her children started have REAL issues, marital problems, financial, health issues of their own, and she toned it down a lot.

    I definitely liked attention when I was young. I was a cheerleader, involved in most school activities, in a sorority in college… always lots of friends, and I’m loud, talkative and outgoing. BUT, as I’ve gotten older, gained weight, not feeling all sireny, I definitely want less attention. Part of it is though, I’m very focused on my girls. They almost always are dressed nicely, hair done cute, big bows when they were little… so I shifted the energy and attention off myself and into them. So, maybe vicariously I was still getting it? Hmmm….. something to think about.

    To me, love is……

    Giving someone something they didn’t even know they wanted, like thinking to start my car in the morning because it’s cold out.

    Taking me to see a movie you could care less about, but know I will love.

    Being my mouse hunter when necessary….

    Kissing just the right tender spot, like inside my elbow….

    Being the man and getting out the power tools to put up a shelf or fix something, even though it’s not his best attribute (to be handy)

    AND, I had all that except the movie (That was a long time ago) from my ex last night! He brought the girls back late from skiing and spent the night. I really wanted to lean forward, but I didn’t. I made him a drink while he put up the shelf. I used my feeling messages to express my rediculous but very real fear of mice and he checked the draps and disposed of one, and even though I know it’s not a good idea to be sleeping with my ex husband, I just can’t resist. It was tender and felt very connected though, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

    This morning he went out to start my car for me, which was fabulous because I actually had a dead battery… so he gave me a jump and was on his way back to DC and I went to work.

    I don’t know that any of that means anything more than he wanted to make me happy.. doesn’t mean he wants a relationship, but it felt very nice to be treated that way. It feels nice to be taken care of from time to time.

    I so want to send a feeling message to express how much I enjoyed spending time with him, and to thank him again for everything, but I am resisting. I did thank him. I sent him home with homemade bean soup and jambalaya so he wouldn’t have to cook (he overextended his knee Fri. night of the ski trip, but stuck it out til Sunday night.) I know that cooking for a man is thought to be overfunctioning, but I was cooking for me, and shared.

    So now what….. just sit back, relax and focus on me right?

  163.  #163Starla on January 16, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    “I feel so hungry…gonna eat now:)”

    him: enjoy. bye!

  164.  #164Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    I feel so sleepy I feel like could just drift off.

    A hot shower would feel so relaxing right now.

    I feel so cozy lying in bed I feel like just drifting off.

    I feel so relaxed with the kitty curled up in my lap.

    I tend to use the first one a lot and always get the same response.

  165.  #165Daria on January 16, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    Memulo – I am open to some guys being clueless about dating… If not about this then about other conventions…

    This has come up frequently for me dating – I don’t want to expect a guy to read my mind – I feel worried I’ll freeze up and go blank communicating about it

    I know I will feel tense – I want to be prepared to speak about it

  166.  #166Daria on January 16, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    Deep sadness.

  167.  #167VW on January 16, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    148: Silver-Tongued Siren

    I read u previous post on the other thread…and knowing u story for a while now…i thought of it…and here is what i think…

    as long as you leave in this man’s home…he has leverage on you…he will never see u as a potential mate he would feel faithful to…:(

    i would take the risk and move out of his home and really move on with my life…begin dating..etc…from that place i can own and express boundaries of what feels good and what i don’t want…

    so far i only see toying with each other…:( and power plays…tit for tat…i feel sad reading and that feels like a heaviness in my chest…:(

    warm loving hugs,

  168.  #168mali on January 16, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    I just realised that I’m so scared of being in a relationship.that I may be unconsciously pushing it away… Oh, wow.

  169.  #169Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Turquoise this is just me…but I believe your situation is different. You are not expecting anything from him so being yourself, which he already knows after how many years, I am not sure I would always lean back. If he did so much, plus if the girls were gushing about their time with him, I dunno, I would send a text, maybe about the kind of dad that he has turned out to be. If he thrives on words of affirmation he might get hooked on that if you give it to him, especially if you are not giving to get back. You can use him to practice appreciating men. It is about you getting better about being a RockStar Goddess. If you will regret it after then no.

  170.  #170Silver-Tongued Siren on January 16, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    “150: Starla says:
    Also see my post #78 for ways to get off texting and on the phone.”

    ooh, checking that.

  171.  #171Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 2:06 pm


    Thank you. I rarely respond to ‘Hi!’ texts from half-strangers as well lol. You are right, this feels now like a game and I don’t like that.

    This guy and I had a very nice long conversation at the party, I felt treated very well. But since now I feel a bit disappointed.

  172.  #172Daria on January 16, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Sweetpea – I am wondering if this ‘just for The sake of doing it’ wording is a habit for you or a way of thinking – maybe even words – that you were thought

    I wonder if this is a way to disassociate and not ‘see’ the other person as a full human being with worthy, lovefilled , blessed reasons and intentions of their own for their choices

    Maybe this is a reasoning parents use to disassociate and punish children for doing something the parent doesn’t like

    ‘they’re just doing it for the sake of it, their reasons aren’t valid/important/worth investigating or acknowledging’

  173.  #173Starla on January 16, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    I like FW’s ideas in 159 very much! You could just as easily send one of those and then go about your business. No need to say bye. And anyway, I don’t like the idea that I need to respond to texts. If it’s important, call me!! 😀

  174.  #174Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Starla they are from Reconnect.

  175.  #175Daria on January 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    It’s not fair for me to bare attacks because people assume stuff about me and They decide my reasons and intentions are null not valid.

    They decide and then see me through the lens of what they are saying as true – if I don’t dispute it and defend says voice

    You didn’t say anything says dad – means you agreed.

    You don’t care about anyone else is one of the categorizations they use. It feels infuriatiing and like someone is applying a label of their choosing over my heart and soul, blocking them from being seen

    I want to change this pattern

    I want to shift my energy in this

    I Wang natural healthy self loving reactions

    Thanks self!

  176.  #176Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Oh my goodness, I feel really shaky right now. It’s part excitement and part fear.

    Oooo, that reminds me. Abraham says that fear and excitement feel very similar.

    So maybe I just feel excited and I am interpreting it as fear.

    I do feel very excited because I think I want to sign up for this big training session with Robbins-Madanes, the people who posted that video we’ve been talking about.

    And I feel excited but also hesitant to spend the money on it. I could make it happen but it would be outside of my comfort zone.

    Maybe I am giving money too much power over me, letting it stop me from doing something that I really want to do.

    Truth is I could make it happen. I’m always manifesting more and more abundance so why feel fear about this?

    Wow, that feels so good seeing that I am giving money a lot of power!

    Okay, I just felt the tightness in my chest release.

  177.  #177Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 2:19 pm


    Mentioning a bed or a shower in a conversation with someone I hardly know doesn’t feel appropriate to me. I don’t feel like letting them so close and share an intimate feeling too soon. Anyone feels similarly?

    What actually happened last night is that I responded to his texts for a little while doing things around the house/getting ready to leave and then responded to his very specific question and let him know that I wouldn’t be available for the rest of the evening. Perhaps I could pick better words.. but checking back with myself I don’t feel that the dynamics was wrong.

    Starla, I like your suggestions to switch to a phone, but felt uncomfortable using them with him just yet.. maybe a mistake.

  178.  #178Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm


    I wonder if you would like these videos?

  179.  #179Liz on January 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    I hear everyone saying that, letting the guy have the last word and I am not good at that, I always text or email accountantCD back and then I am sitting there waiting for him to text me back or email me back. Is this another manisfestation of leaning back behavior?
    Does it feel better to you to let them have the last word?
    I just feel like I want more interaction, so I keep it going.
    This thread has really made me feel lit up. I am seeing how much I really crave attention, in everything I do.
    I feel like crying.
    I want to hear back from accountantCD. My therapist thinks he has the maturity of a highschooler and can’t believe that he kissed me in the woods…..
    I have had to walk by his office twice today, I am low on groceries and so I got food for lunch and then later food for dinner and tomorrow’s lunch and I walked by without looking in his office and i am sure I looked like I was steaming mad, because i feel so mad that we kissed and nothing has changed, outwardly at least.

  180.  #180Daria on January 16, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    My perception was:

    I decided while Shaking in my boots to do something new. And speak out loud about some things that felt bad that I felt actually SCared to mention – bec of fear of upsetting others.

    Well I know this is walking on eggshells so to practice not building judgement and resentment I said my truth.

    I got the worst scenarios which was that people reacted by freaking out and attacking me and taking it personal .

    Lots of people attacked me.

    I defended myself a few times in an attacky way.

    And mostly processed in a not so attacky way.

    I kept getting attacked.


    All attacks were assigned to me (I don’t see anyone here harping about other sirens having said attacky things to me in that interaction). It seems to have disappeared and assigned to me as collective blame.

    As of I’m responsible for their attacks against me (they were just trigfered) as well as my defenses (you attacked!!!!) And still being blamed for speaking out in the first place (why are you speaking up for yourself when you know other people don’t like it?)

    That feels unfair

    I feel sad

    And tight hot trembly.

  181.  #181Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 2:24 pm


    I normally prefer not to have the last word, it feels better. I think my problem is that I stop talking too soon! But yesterday he asked me a question, so I responded. Btw, it could easily not be my last word lol. A polite guy could have said: enjoy your evening too, let’s talk tomorrow. 🙂

  182.  #182Liz on January 16, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    I wish you could be there too! I am going to lead a kick-*ss, fill up your adrenals with life-force energy, meditation at noon.

    Thanks, I hope you didn’t reply just because I was whining for attention.

    This post has got me feeling really insecure, like how am I supposed to just receive attention? My mother and your mother and Brenda’s mother, they did not give us good role models on how to just give and receive love. I am sorry to read about the feigning illness….my mom likes that too, just likes the attention that illness brings or catastrophes……I sure would like to just have attention for just being me…..I am feeling so much energy in my heart chakra from participating in this thread today and the energy feels so resentful and distrusting….it must be how i felt when my mother would cry at supper….
    sorry to vent, thanks for listening.

  183.  #183Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    I’m really hoping to receive some encouragement right now.

    mmmmm, maybe I can give some to myself.

    What if I just did it? What if I just called and signed up?

    Oh my goodness!!!!

  184.  #184Silver-Tongued Siren on January 16, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    VW, I wish I could present a more complete picture, as I have always let him lead and initiate in this relationship, it has all been of his leading. The only reason I am here is due to him adoring me so and filling up my time so much that it was natural for us to live together, etc. He would call me multiple times a day to check in with me, see what I’m doing, make me lunch every day for work, etc.

    Now I am not feeling good with the way he is dealing with himself right now, and you are right about him having leverage. I realize this. He does realize I could leave, and be far away, which helps but overall, I do not have a major amount of leverage I suppose, even though I have the option of not allowing him the pleasure of my presence at all.

    The problem is that I don’t have help with the baby. Even if bio-father-of-baby were providing typical child support, it would still not cover my bills, being a few hundred dollars short, yet I have found it difficult to make any guaranteed amount of money with keeping the baby. If bio-father gave me child support and I used it for child care instead, I still would not be able to make enough money to make ends meet with my profession in this city, unless working on my own (in which case, this house gives me space to do so, I just need more business).

    Additionally I have no where else to go, as I have no family to help, and so the only option is to go with bio-father. And that is not going to help things, it will just put me in an uncommitted romantic situation, and far out of my town to a place in the middle of no where. also he works full time (so would only be help watching baby on weekends) and there are no job opportunities for me there. (I HAVE looked at this as an idea). … I feel that would just be giving all the leverage to some *other* man. 😉 It’s an option, with a commitment of some kind, I really feel uncomfortable otherwise.

    And still love Man I Live With.

    I just can’t do this baby situation without someone’s help. I have a feeling a new option is going to appear soon.

  185.  #185Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 2:33 pm


    RE: #87 – The major reason Ryan texts is because he lives with his parents. He doesn’t want them to listen in. Also, we are often communicating late at night, and he doesn’t want to wake them up, either.

    Last night they were away, and he called me a few times, at three different times in the evening.

    After saying all that, yes, you are right. I have been taking crumbs from him when what I want is a nice date.

  186.  #186Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Wow SST I encourage you to reread what you just wrote and see the role you are playing in the story.

  187.  #187Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    LG I know you will figure it out

  188.  #188River Girl on January 16, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Oh my goodness! Why not?! 🙂

  189.  #189Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Rivergirl: Good to see you! I was thinking about you this morning.

    Umm, why not?

    Well, I am using money as an excuse and to be honest, it’s not really that big of a problem.

    So, I don’t know why not.

    I know I feel scared, but that might just be excitement.

    ooooh goodness, I feel trembly.

    Some fear of change

    Maybe I feel scared that my needs won’t get met. I mean, it could have the potential of changing my life and that feels scary.

    At least I know what to expect with what I am doing now, but I don’t feel completely fulfilled.

    I have a decent job, nice man, beautiful house, not a lot of problems.

    Yet I yearn for growth.

    This could provide growth

    but there is uncertainty too

  190.  #190Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    Ok, I see. This is all about my need for certainty.

    I need to know that I will be able to feel comfortable and safe.

  191.  #191Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    And that’s why money is partially an issue because I don’t want this to cause me to feel uncomfortable.

    If I stay on my path though, I will always be aware and conscious enough to make sure that my needs are provided for.

    Even if I don’t stay on my path, I will still care for myself. Always have, and I’m getting better and better at it.

    I guess I feel scared of abandoning myself.

    When in reality, doing this will most likely enhance my relationship with myself.

  192.  #192FlowerChild77 on January 16, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    FW/#123 I understand what you mean about men and talking/emotional overload. I do. And with this man it’s like times ten! I tread carefully….

    In LoveScripts for Relationships/Marriage, Rori has a section about if we’ve already invested/living together/own a house together/married, etc. And she says that if that’s the case, then we need to learn how/find a way to “make it ok for US.”

    If he was just a CD, I could easily just say, “Next!” and forget about it. But he’s not–I am invested–twelve years worth, in addition to financially and him asking me to marry him and wanting me to move back in. (I know he loves me with whatever capacity he has for love and I see that that may very well be the problem.) 🙁

    I know to many of you my baby steps are far too tiny and my progress too slow. It may even seem like I’m not even trying. But I know I’m trying and using the tools. I’m learning, however, that the tools don’t always work with this man. 🙁

    No matter how I try, when I say how I feel or like to feel, etc. he goes silent and/or gets angry and accuses me of “starting a fight.”

    I even keep my feelings to myself because I can’t stand on my head anymore—can’t rearrange the words anymore—can’t stand bringing up how I feel only to be scoffed at and told that I’m wanting to “fight” and “cause problems.”

    I know he has a lot of financial worries (house/bills/tax time coming up) but that can’t be the ONLY reason he wants me. And when this much time goes by without him ONCE asking to see me —it makes me feel like me living there with my extra paycheck is the only thing that counts.

    It’s been over a month since we have seen each other, aside from one day last week he came here with some items for me to put on e-bay. (I’ve been helping him with that, as he doesn’t have a computer or internet access.) So, that doesn’t count to me as spending time together. He was in a foul mood and sat there and pouted the whole while.

    He called this morning and said he had to go after 15 minutes of awkward conversation. After he said, ‘Good Morning and how are you?’

    Me: I feel very lonely and I don’t want to feel that way with you.

    Him: Silence

    Me: Are you there?

    Him: Yeah, I’m here. (in a disgusted tone and then more silence)

    Me: Do you understand what I’m trying to say?

    Him: Do you have any idea what stress I’m under? (this is always the cue for me to back down, shut up and realize that he has far too much on his mind for me to expect anything of him. It’s “old” and I’m tired of it. I DO know he’s under stress, but it’s always something!)

    Me: I’m just a girl, here. I need to feel loved and touched and missed…and I don’t feel that when so much time goes by

    Him: [tsk/scoffing noise–followed by] “I have to go. I’ll call you later.”

    Then he called back all hang-dog and after he said, “Hi” went back to silent.

    Me: What is it?

    Him: I don’t know. I just don’t know.

    Me: About what?

    Him: About anything. The house, you, all of it. I just don’t understand why all the fighting.

    Me: [good thing he couldn’t see me rolling my eyes!] What fighting? We haven’t been fighting.

    Him: Then what’s all this about? I was gonna come up and see you today.

    Me: Then where are ya? (happy sounding)

    Him: We were already fighting and now it’s too late. [It was 3pm—too late?]

    Me: I didn’t know we were fighting. Why don’t you come now?

    Him: No….not now….maybe tomorrow. You know I don’t feel good.

    Me: Yes, and you have the number to the free clinic and the place where you can get free medication. I AM concerned. [He asked me to find information, as he has no insurance and I have the computer, etc. So, I did. And that was two weeks ago.]

    Him: I’ll call you later. I love you…

    It’s true I know he doesn’t feel well, but this conversation and the circumstances (not wanting to see me for weeks at a time) is just a repeat of past conversations about this. Not feeling well is just a new “reason” in his arsenal of excuses for not wanting/needing to see me/be with me.

    I think he just doesn’t need what I need and that makes me feel really sad. And him not caring about his health scares me….and makes me more sad.

    What could I have said different or done differently? I couldn’t have been any more authentic or any more honest. I tried not to use “you” or make him wrong. (Rori says sometimes we have to refer to circumstances or behavior when our lives are entangled in an invested way.)

    He already said I’d “started a fight” before anything about the doctor was said, so that wasn’t it. ANYthing he doesn’t want to hear is “starting a fight.”

    I’m sad and scared and very discouraged….

  193.  #193VW on January 16, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    184: Silver-Tongued Siren

    Yes, I totally understand your situation…please believe me…i do…i was there too a few years back…

    I know there is state assistance with daycare for women like us…

    I feel curious why are you not taking advantage of these resources and allowing the complacent situation?

    I remember almost a year ago…u were describing u relationship with this man as an “open relationship”…

    it appears you have different feelings ab it now…i feel curious what has changed…:(

    i sure want to hug u…and if i feel afraid i might push u away by asking /saying all the above…

    warm hugs,

  194.  #194mali on January 16, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    I feel so raw. The tears are fallibg… I see people my age who are carefree… I don’t feel like I fit. Why I am I this perceptive and so understading if people’s emotions and the way their minds work? Why am I so good at playing the therapist?! I don’t want to be this way! I want to be a regular 21 year old!!

  195.  #195FlowerChild77 on January 16, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Also…I have changed myself. I am busy with my own life and happy about it. When I try and share any of that with him he says stuff like, “Well, you just worry about YOU—just take care of yourSELF.” [in a very sulky, sarcastic way.]

    I’ve tried, but I don’t think wanting to see him, spend time, have sex more than once every month-6 weeks is being needy or demanding or reeks of not having a life of my own. I’m sad….

  196.  #196Starla on January 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    Somewhat related to this post and comment thread, I texted CF this morning that I was feeling sick and pukey. He offered to come over later and take care of me. How sweet! But now I’m feeling better, so I told him so, and that I was going to go to my friend’s house for the evening but that I feel so peachy knowing he was going to be there for me.

    I said “it means a lot to me. A lot a lot.”

    He wrote back about being glad I feel better, and that “you mean a lot to me, [pet name]…a lot a lot : D …always there for ya”

    I texted back “aww, you mean a lot to me too!”


    lol. i crack myself up.

    but i’m always focused on how great he makes me feel, and i tell him that, but i’ve never “gone there” with telling him how much i care for him. So maybe I need to start opening up with that sometimes when the opportunity to reciprocate comes along.

    Eek, feels scary though. But the man is not a mind reader. And what man in his right mind would want to ask a woman to marry if he didn’t think she felt the same way. Only a seriously immature man would be up for THAT kind of a challenge, and would be likely to leave when he’s truly won you over.

  197.  #197femmystique on January 16, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    I feel at a loss with words, I don’t want to appear negative and unsupportive, however, this feels to be a toxic relationship, maybe even imaginary – I know you stated you have 12 years invested and that he at one time did ask you to marry him and move in – it seems that you are very far from that situation, and to me it could be that you need to start at the basics and begin CDing and taking care of yourself, instead of trying to engage him with Love scripts, etc.

    It feels too leaning forward and expectant, and attached to the outcome with him, and maybe he is picking up on that. His responses seem to be hostile. I feel bad for you, you seem so caring and insightful, you need to forget about him and the long-ago promises and focus on you, on what you want, and making yourself happy.
    I know there are some old blogs of Rori’s that show us how to start in baby-steps by CDing ourselves, does anyone have some links?

  198.  #198Starla on January 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    mali, you are smarter and wiser than the avg. 21 year old bear. a blessing and a curse. “The curse of lucidity.”

    When you are older it will serve you nicely. Probably so not what you wanted to hear.

    Big hugs to you.

  199.  #199VW on January 16, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    Hmm…read some posts…it reminded me when my own anxiety would keep men at arms length…:( very lonely life…

    when if i could just keep things simple…and simply ask for i wanted…like “i miss u…i wish i were in u arms right now…; i miss u tight hold …i need u damn it…”

    Instead, i would go on and on complaining…acting all weird and around the bush…:(


  200.  #200FlowerChild77 on January 16, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    LG…if you do sign up for this…will you be preoccupied, worrying about paying bills and how paying out the money will affect your life? For me, it could possibly bother me so much that I wouldn’t fully get what I wanted/expected from the program.

    Otherwise, if you really feel inspired to do it then I’d go ahead and sign up.

    These were things I had to consider when I ordered Rori’s programs…but it was SO worth it. 🙂

  201.  #201Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Starla: Maybe it’s time for the no girlfriend speech?

    Not in the sense of pressuring him but just letting him know how you feel.

    Maybe even something like…

    I feel so excited to get married and have a family.

    Sharing ‘passion’ stories about your desired future in kind of a neutral way. Making it all about you and not about him.

  202.  #202Starla on January 16, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    LG, do you have to sign up NOW? is it on going? could you save up the money on the side and purchase it later?

    I want these 400 dollar boots, and I have the cash/credit, but rather than go into my hard earned savings, i figure i can just save anew for them! So now I’m putting aside $x every 2 weeks, until I have all the money.

    I did the same with my sofa. actually, i had such a hard time finding the right sofa for me that i just kept saving and saving until I had doubled my budget…and then magically found a sofa within my original budget.

    I believe there is something of energetic value with my approach to saving for and then purchasing items outside of our regular budget.

  203.  #203FlowerChild77 on January 16, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    SST…making the baby’s bio-dad pay court ordered child support would not require you to live with him or give him any say-so in your life.

    There should be a child-support office/agency in your local courthouse. They can help you get child-support set up and enforce payment to you. If he has a steady job it would be taken out of his paycheck (his employer MUST comply.) Perhaps that would pay for day-care for the little one.

    Just my two-cents….

  204.  #204Starla on January 16, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    201 lg
    i gave him the no gf speech twice. Once very recently just conversationally, and once very seriously a week or two ago when we were discussing that he is moving an hour away in a couple of weeks.

    He told me both times that he isn’t going to be keeping his options open, and that he doesn’t ever feel pressured by me (cuz i said “i don’t want to pressure you…”)

    I was super clear too, yay me. it felt scary! and clumsy!

    i think it’s just time for me to LIVE the no gf speech, but these guys are SO GOOD that are asking me out, that i’m terrified i might not actually end up with CF…and that feels so sad

  205.  #205femmystique on January 16, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    I feel so sad with your words, Mali – you are such a young pretty girl, you should have the world at your feet, not struggling to know who you are and where you’re going.
    I am 50 and my journey to find myself started almost 4 years ago when a therapist put “Codependent No More” by Melodie Beattie in my hands. I had spent my entire life doing things for other people out of obligation, and to seek approval from my parents and partners. I never felt appreciated, or heard, or respected, because I didn’t respect or love myself.

    I did not know who I was and didn’t bother to try to find out what I liked and do what pleased me. You have so much ahead of you – I don’t know what to say to help you, but I support you in finding out what Mali needs and wants and making her a priority.

  206.  #206Starla on January 16, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    oooh LG, for some reason I glazed over the part about approaching it from a passion angle.

    Yes! I haven’t really ventured here in a direct way. I am going to keep this in mind, thank you for the great idea!!

  207.  #207Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    200 WF

    No, I’m getting a lot better at not worrying after I decide to spend money on something.

    I rarely impulse buy. And when I make a conscious decision to buy something, I don’t allow myself the suffering of worrying about it afterwards….for the most part. I just don’t allow my mind to go there.

    I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself around abundance and allowing things into my life and I wouldn’t say I’m rich monetarily but my life keeps getting better and better in that arena and I feel confident that it will continue to improve.

    Especially if I am focusing my energy on more personal growth.

    Thanks for asking 🙂

  208.  #208Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 3:44 pm


    I feel that you’ve been doing great leaning back and taking care of you. It’s a perfect chance for him to miss you if you are not that eager to reply to every text and he can’t call you as much as he wants to! A nice date is a nice target. I believe he will realize soon that he wants to see you.. not only text or call.

  209.  #209Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm


    Don’t know your situation well enough of course. But if you are saying that you gave him a no gfriend speech recently and other hints.. perhaps it’s time to take a break from it? Is he working on finding a place for you to be together? That sounds like a fun next step. Brings in so much love!

  210.  #210Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    Starla: That was the way I was thinking before, that I would just save for a bit. Give it some time to see if I still wanted to do it down the road.

    If I sign up soon though, I get some extra personal coaching as an incentive. I really want to do that part of it too.

    That is a sense of urgency created by their marketing tactics…on the one hand.

    On the other hand, this is something that I feel very passionate about. Something that I have been wanting to do for a long time and kind of denying to myself.

    It would give me the jumpstart that I need to be consciously studying something that I feel really passionate about.

    So I figure, why wait?

  211.  #211Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Daria @ 172,

    Hmmm. I don’t know. I don’t remember anyone using that term with me as a child or anywhere else in my life, but I’m taking that all in. It feels interesting that your perception is that it’s invalidating of feelings.

    I’ll get back to you on that. In the meantime, I’m feeling giggly because when I read # 160, my immediate feeling was, “hmmm. Is that a self-limiting belief? No one understands us?”

    Is there a reason there’s such a need to feel understood?

    I find my things looking at the needs hierarchy much as LG has been. What need is this fulfilling – or would be fulfilled by being understood? Certainty, Significance, Love/Connection? I feel very curious about this. Then there’s the need for Uncertainty/Variety.

    Sorry, I’m kind of processing “aloud” here.

    Sometimes I do things just for the sake of doing them. That doesn’t feel wrong, bad or invalidating of feelings to me. “Why do you do that, Sweetpea?” My answer: “Because I can.” That would also be… just for the sake of doing it. I don’t have to know the why of it.

    I feel a bit misunderstood, myself, I’m noticing. But that’s ok. I enjoy having these things brought up for healing and seeing how you perceive what (and how) I say things.

    Thank you Daria, for helping me along my journey of self-growth. I feel appreciation, compassion and deep love for you. Deep love? Hmmm. I feel deep love for the process. It feels kinda weird to say I feel deep love for you. But again, I’m experimenting with some things that feel uncomfortable for me, so I’m going to leave that and honor it.

  212.  #212Starla on January 16, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Cool, I think you are aware of the marketing tactics (i’m super sensitive to them – but I work as a researcher who uses these evil tactics against people, muahahaha. hehe jk, they’re not really evil, methinks. at least not in my domain of business software, lol).

    And so I think you should go for it! As long as you’ll be able to pay all them other bills you usually pay, even if a small emergency arises. If you have realistic reasons not to, then don’t, but if they’re more like “ohh this feels uncomfortable to splurge like this,” then go for it!

    question…how much is it? if you don’t mind me asking?

  213.  #213Liz on January 16, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    Hi STS
    It sounds to me like you feel trapped because of the baby….I understand….I wish there was some way i could wave a magic wand and bring you more business, so something could shift for you.

    Hi Mali,
    In my morning meditation my meditation teacher said that people who are perceptive and sensitive are meant to be that way, although the majority of the people we are sharing the earth with are not, and that means we get to be the leaders and raise their understanding… if it seems like we are the only sensitive ones in our group, it might just really be the case…..if you are on this blog, you are not really like a normal 21 year old because you are already questioning and learning about your role in the cosmos…..this is excellent and it will really pay off hugely for you… might even be really lucky and consciously create an incredible first marriage…..

  214.  #214Starla on January 16, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    Memulo, 209, I don’t think he’s looking for a place for us. He’s just moving away. It’s cheaper there and there’s no lease. He keeps saying “there’s no lease.”

    So maybe he sees us moving in together after he saves up enough money, and he’ll have the freedom to do that.

    We’ll see.

    When he moves, I told him I’ll be feeling like taking a step back, because he won’t be physically available to me as my man. And that I’ll need lots of planned dates to be able to see him.

  215.  #215Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    Ya, it’s pretty much more that it feels uncomfortable than that it would be putting myself in a dangerous situation.

    For some reason, I don’t feel comfortable saying the price on here. But I will say, it’s an in depth, professional training that is in the thousands.

    It’s a great price for what you get but definitely a professional thing vs. a personal growth thing, although I’m sure plenty of personal growth will come with it. Part of which is the coaching sessions which are producing the sense of urgency.

  216.  #216Liz on January 16, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    I feel a little out of the loop, what is the program that you are thinking of signing up for? Is it the program that I just graduated from?

  217.  #217Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 3:58 pm


    And what did he say to that? Is there an option to do go away weekends at some affordable places? If that feels right to you.

  218.  #218Starla on January 16, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    He already goes away every saturday and I have chinese class on Saturdays.

    He is going to have to figure it out. I’m not overfunctioning this one to keep the boat afloat.

    Time to go, be back later, ladies!

  219.  #219Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    Liz, It’s the Robbins-Madanes training. There’s a lot of crossover with what Rori teaches but this is a professional coaching certification.

    I’m not totally sure that I want to be a coach, maybe. But it would definitely be very useful in any kind of professional or relationship situation.

    What program did you graduate from?

  220.  #220Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    Thanks for asking me these questions Flowerchild, Starla, and Liz. Talking about it is really helping me to feel more clear.

    Thank you!

  221.  #221Liz on January 16, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    Hi LG
    I graduated from Institute of Integrative Nutrition as a certified holistic health counselor in Oct 2011. It took a bite out of my budget for sure! I feel like it has opened up new doors for me though, i.e. the spot I have now in the integrative medical practice. So I should get clients through there and I hope this will balance out my part time teaching gigs and I start to feel like I am bringing in more abundance….

  222.  #222Lizka on January 16, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Good evening Sirens!!

    This was a long day for me, but a good one anyway.

    Did you know that according to some very serious studies, today is the most depressing day of the year!!

    Well in my country at least…

    They do a scale with the New Year’s resolutions broken, date when the bills from holidays arrived, the cold, and it’s a Monday also… everything to feel down!!

    I feel curious to know if you felt it…

  223.  #223Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 4:09 pm


    RE: #192 – I love this…this is the cry of my heart:

    I’m just a girl, here. I need to feel loved and touched and missed…and I don’t feel that when so much time goes by

    I’m just a girl, here. I need to feel loved and touched and missed…and I don’t feel that when so much time goes by

    I’m just a girl, here. I need to feel loved and touched and missed…and I don’t feel that when so much time goes by

    I’m just a girl, here. I need to feel loved and touched and missed…and I don’t feel that when so much time goes by

    I’m just a girl, here. I need to feel loved and touched and missed…and I don’t feel that when so much time goes by

    I’m just a girl, here. I need to feel loved and touched and missed…and I don’t feel that when so much time goes by

    I’m just a girl, here. I need to feel loved and touched and missed…and I don’t feel that when so much time goes by

  224.  #224Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    I “see” things in people that they don’t see. That’s something also that reminds me of my dad.

    I’m coming more to peace with the things about me that remind me of my dad, all while looking at them through a microscope to see how they serve me. That feels amusing to me that I feel the need to analyze everything about me that reminds me of my dad.

    I also find that I’m noticing things about MM that remind me of my dad and feeling oddly comfortable with them. There are things about my dad that I deeply admire. I just don’t feel as supported by him as I wish I did. I don’t feel as loved by him – is that true? No. It’s not. I feel loved by him – unconditionally. It just feels effed up to me, the way he shows it.

    On that note, I just got done listening to a webinar with Lisa Nichols. It feels ironic to me that she mentioned that she has had to let go of relationships with people where she feels small when she talks about her dreams. She described it feeling as if someone poked her balloon of dreams with a pin and left her feeling deflated. This feels the same as where I’m at with my dad. He leaves my feelings of self-worth and value feeling deflated, not so much my dreams.

    Yet, that self-worth and value is indispensible with letting my light shine on the world. I do feel as if I have to play it small with him. I feel as if he expects me to shine HIS light on the world and settle for less, rather than shine my own light. Hmmm. That feels interesting and really, really bad.

  225.  #225Camille on January 16, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    Have you checked the responses from people who have attended previously? That sometimes helps me decide if the cost is something I want to risk….just a thought?

  226.  #226Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    My feet have been cold all day.

  227.  #227LILI 41 on January 16, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    GingerSky!!! Yippie you’re back!!! 😀

    Hope all is well throughout the roller coaster ride.

    So glad to see you back! 🙂

  228.  #228Camille on January 16, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    I have grown so much……I just ran into an ex boyfriend that has been very cruel to me with his words in front of and behind my back and in my small town in a very public place…….He came up like usual to hug me and pretend hes authentic…..I just put up my hand to let him no not to proceed into my space and I softly and kindly said…..when he asked for a hug……..Thats not something I want to do, I dont like you very much. And walked away…….The old Camille would have hugged him not to make a scene or wondering what people would say! I have boundaries and I let them be know without being a b***tch or just avoiding him….

    Sounds silly but IM so proud of me

  229.  #229Liz on January 16, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    The reason i took this training is that I knew i could help people one on one, but i needed training on marketing and training on how to talk/listen to clients. The deal breaker for me was that I got a personal health coach and that really shifted me and my approach to my diet. I cut out gluten for over a year and now I can have it again and not experience bloating, etc. I realized that dairy is not good for me and I started eating so much better, because it raised my consciousness about my eating space. So I really have been feeling incredibly more vibrant and have lost weight and people tell me how great I look. So that feels good. Thanks for asking. The personal coach would have cost $600 on her own, but taking the course along with the coaching really intensified the learning process for me. And the universe wanted me to do it….so I always obey the universe….haha….me and my muscle-testing…’s almost never wrong, but i don’t always understand why I get the go ahead sometimes… it was okay to kiss accountantCD….what a mess, i feel like our friendship is toast… i will need to find a new accountant, I feel that way, but my muscle testing says I don’t. Sorry, all roads always lead back to accountantCD….so if you are really called to do it, the next question to ask yourself is this:
    Is this the right time for me to do this? Or should I wait until I have saved up the money?

  230.  #230Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    Sweetpea: It makes me so sad to hear that you don’t get that encouragement to follow your dreams from your dad. In the past few years, my dad has become one of my biggest cheerleaders and it brings me so much joy in life. I told him about the program and he strongly encouraged me to take it regardless of any concerns I had, just because he knows its a dream of mine.

    I so want that for you too.

    In the meantime, as your relationship with him is being sorted out, I encourage you to surround yourself with people who will cheerlead for you!

    You so deserve it. We all do!

  231.  #231FlowerChild77 on January 16, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    femmystique/#197…thank you for your response.

    >>>”I know you stated you have 12 years invested and that he at one time did ask you to marry him and move in”<<<

    These are not long ago things. He gave me the ring and asked me to marry him the week of Thanksgiving-2011…that's just around 6 weeks ago. He has been waiting/expecting me to move back ever since.

    Since November, he's done a lot of work on the house, painted, done some new construction (in order to restore the house to it's original floor plan) made some new closets….all my suggestion (as was all the work on the house.) He keeps saying how great it looks and what great ideas I have. (He is nice sometimes.) I have a lot of money and sweat-equity in that house/property. (He has made most of the house payments over the years–I don't want to give the impression that I've paid for it all. But I have made many contributions.)

    Anyway…yes, he is hostile any time I say something he doesn't like. It's gotten worse the longer I stick to my boundaries.

    And, yes, it does feel imaginary since calling me many times every day and the diamond (beautiful as it is) does not keep me warm at night or make me feel like he needs ME. I want to be needed/missed just for ME.

    I have been CDing the heck out of myself! And enjoying it. And yes, I am 'expecting' some things if he wants me to marry him— and me giving up my life here does depend on him honoring my boundaries. Am I wrong, here? Should I just be SO happy he proposed and bought me an expensive ring that I don't honor myself any longer? That doesn't feel right to me.

    I'm feeling like he is depending on ME—and that does not feel good, either.

    I feel invisible sometimes and like WHO I am does not matter. But then I try to remember that he is not a talker (at all!) he is a DO-ER. When I think of all he has done with the house for me and that that is his way of showing love it makes me wonder if I am asking too much.

    Companionship and sex aren't too much–are they? I feel SO SAD that *I* am the only one wanting these things. I can't even remember what it feels like to have a man feel attracted to me and want me in that way. He says it would be different if I was THERE.

    Hmmmmmmm…….I feel sad and confused. I used to hate myself for not expecting anything (and getting just that!) and now I'm standing my ground and using FMs (in addition to filling my life with my own interests, people, etc.) and the feedback is that I'm expecting too much from a man who wants me to give up my independent life to move back in with him (I've been gone for 18 months) and get married.

    Processing time…..

    I respect Siren advice and I appreciate it.

  232.  #232Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Liz: Thanks for sharing your experiences. To answer your questions, yes I do feel like this is the perfect time to do it. I feel like I am ready for this. I finally have good internet and have tied up some loose ends in my life so that I have more free time.

    Yes yes, perfect timing.

    I encourage you to lean back energetically with AccountantCD, in your mind, and who knows, you just might be surprised!

  233.  #233LILI 41 on January 16, 2012 at 4:26 pm


    FW, Awesome!

    Starla, Brenda :

    That’s how my nasty oger mother turned into the most loving caring sweetheart. I used to get really badly emotionally turmoiled triggered by her.
    At age 30, I clicked, and then showered her w love from then on. She turned into the mother I’ve always fantasized about overnight and she’s been constantly that way for the last 12 years!

    Now, turn to do the same for my love life.

  234.  #234Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    225 Camille

    No, I haven’t done that yet. Great idea! Thanks!

  235.  #235Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    Aww! Thanks, LG! It feels amazing to feel that kind of support. And yes! Cheerleaders!!!

    That’s part of why things feel so difficult with my dad right now, because I have been blessed with people in my life who have the utmost confidence in my skills and who really are great cheerleaders for me. They support me unconditionally, they tell me, “you can do this!!!!” when I feel uncertain.

    One of them is MM. It feels so amazing to have that from a man in my life right now, yet it feels so sad that someone I haven’t even know for a year yet sees so much more in me than my dad does.

    I have a very good friend I made here too, who is the epitome of encouraging of encouraging and supportive.

    I really do feel blessed to have so many people in my life who love and support me unconditionally. I feel shy to share lots of stuff with MM though I’m noticing. I wonder what that’s all about. Anytime I do, he’s all about encouraging me, yet lots of times when he asks what I’m working on I feel hesitant to tell him.

    Hmmmm….I feel suspect that it’s because I’m not really used to having a man in my life who’s not looking for a vulnerable spot in my balloon. My brother has always supported and encourage me though. Hmmm…what is this coming up for healing? And what would be the best way to heal it? To shine my light and share my excitement with him, even if it feels scary?

    OMG! I can’t believe the level of anxiety I feel even just typing that. I almost feel teary.

    Ok. Enough of that. I feel so happy for you, LG that your dad is so awesome to you. That feels like light at the end of a dark tunnel to me. It feels like, “Yes! Men can be supportive and not breaking of dreams.” Yahoo! Thank you for sharing that.

  236.  #236Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    Gingersky I literally felt it today that you would be back. Earlier I meant to ask Dominique if she had heard from but I said to myself you already felt her wait and see. Man I can hardly believe you are here already even though I just felt that you would be.

  237.  #237LILI 41 on January 16, 2012 at 4:31 pm


    FW, switching my focus following your post #60, I remembered:
    After I had the convo w D posted early on this thread, he left before me this morning and…scraped all the icy frost off of all my car windows.

    Cleaning off the light snow the other day was 1 thing, but scraping off the icy frost is harder.

    Awwwww, I’m all googoo melty at the thought 🙂

  238.  #238Laughing Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Flowerchild: I was reading your story and I’m not quite sure of the answer.

    It sounds like maybe you two are in a standstill. I get the sense that he might have some hurt feelings and be resistant to giving you what you want until you move back in to the house.

    And it sounds like you don’t feel comfortable moving back in until he gives you what you need to feel safe doing it.

    Am I understanding this correctly?

  239.  #239Liz on January 16, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    That is incredible and it felt so validating like that experience really showed you how strong you are now and that it felt the best to take care of yourself instead of his feelings.

  240.  #240Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 4:38 pm


    Wahoo! I was wondering how I missed your comments earlier. So good to see you!

  241.  #241Femininewoman on January 16, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    FlowerChild I agree with LG. I was just about to say the same thing and was looking for an eletter from Rori to someone else about how she was focussing on what he was doing rather than focussing on taking care of herself. I will wait to see your response to LG because I believe she is right on the money.

  242.  #242Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 4:46 pm


    RE: #26 – Welcome back! I missed you!! Did you get my email?

  243.  #243Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 4:54 pm


    Good job!!! It’s not easy to stand up for yourself and NOT act like everything is ok! I’m proud of you too!!!

    You go girl!!!! 🙂

  244.  #244Liz on January 16, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    Hi Sweetpea,
    I know how you feel about your dad…my dad is not supportive and actually gets jealous when we his progeny excel at something…..he just never was good enough….he struck out when he was trying out for big-league baseball, etc. etc….which is sad, but he never really cheered us on….
    so tonight I felt really upset because i had to plan this open house for my new business and i thought i was mad at accountantCD, since he really cheerleaded me when I had my superfood smoothie stand at the farmer’s market last summer, and i realized I was feeling the pain of no support from my father…..this hurts more than being disconnected from accountantCD….i want to heal this and i would love to heal it with you, what works for you? I am feeling supported here and I am just getting more organized about the whole thing and blogging on my nutrition school website about ideas for the first day….

  245.  #245Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 5:01 pm


    I think the difference is that you get triggered by comments sirens make about themselves, or their own lives, commenting (sometimes quite hurtfully about their posts) and then don’t seem to understand why you get a backlash. I don’t see it as the same thing as if someone came here and posted about an issue in their lives and then got backlash. Do you see the missing component there?

    I also wonder about your desire to be “heard”. Any idea why that is so strong for you? I could see desiring to be heard in your real life (as you put it), but why such a stong need to be heard here, in an online, public forum?

    I am not criticizing or judging, just sharing what it looks like from over here.

    I do understand that it must be quite frustrating to not be understood. But we are responding to what you are showing us. Is there another way to show us what you want, and maybe get a different result?

  246.  #246Liz on January 16, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    thanks turquoise!!!!!!

  247.  #247Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    FW – My ex called so I didn’t have to send him a text. I did thank him again, even said I appreciated him doing the “guy stuff” and that it felt so nice to have those things taken care of. Words of affirmation would not be his primary love language, as he often says people can say anything, doesn’t mean anything if it’s just words. I do think we all like being appreciated though, and I agree…. I can practice on him. He’s probably an excellent candidate because I have insider information 🙂 He sounded quite happy though that I appreciated his help…. so I’m glad I said it again. He’ll be up in a few weeks, going to put up some shelves in the girls room, some blinds, and I’m sure I’ll have another project for him.

    We talked about tax returns a little, and I told him I heard from a friend who also bought a house this year that she expects to get all her closing costs back. He said that would be huge, as he wants to get the driveway paved, put on a deck and expand the yard. (We have a big hill that needs excavated). Felt so nice to hear when he said he could do all that, or get a motorcycle, but he wanted to put it into the house. I don’t remember him being so selfless when we were married. It’s amazing the change I’m seeing in him now.

  248.  #248Sun Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    I’m back from looking at a couple of boats and I had the talk with LP about how the purchase would go regarding the owner and he basically said that this is a commitment we are making to each other. I said that it would feel bad to me if he were to take others on the boat without me especially other women and he agreed that would be horrible. Any way, I think *we* found one. I feel really good about this. The boat is not too much and I could afford it on my own but it means something to him too so I am going to include him.

  249.  #249Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    It was also interesting that he wanted to talk so much. He gave me pretty much play by play of their whole weekend, we also talked about some of his family issues, him starting back to work after being off for several weeks, a few friends… it was nice, easy conversation. I listened a lot more than I spoke, but I didn’t feel worried, or like I had to preplan everything I was going to say. It just….. flowed.

  250.  #250Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    My CD #3 just called and too bad I’m not playing either pool or ping-pong. He said in my case we will have just to go for drinks lol.

    Tomorrow if I have time I may go to a gathering where Friday night guy will be too. Will be warm and receptive of course, but would feel so much better if he handled it differently as of now.

  251.  #251Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    Wow Turquoise what you are describing is wonderful!! And he didn’t really have to call, did he lol

  252.  #252Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    I’d like to get attention by being my best self. I had a therapist ask me once why you would want someone to love you not at your best? That is a hard question because well for one, I want someone to love me no matter what, in sickness and in health, better or worse…

    But thinking about it more specifically… My Best Self. Would I want someone to love me not at my best? What does my best self look like? What steps do I need to do to get there? This is what I’m wondering about this evening…. what steps do I need to take to get to my BEST SELF.

    One thing I really don’t like about me is that I PROCRASTINATE…. teribly, which makes me irritable and impatient because I’m rushing, don’t have what I need…. really need to heal that about me. I’m going to start with that. Being motivated, following through, planning and organizing… using my boy energy productivly.

  253.  #253Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    Thanks Memulo…. no he didn’t have to call 🙂 Congrats on the Cding… sounds great! I haven’t had much success dating more than one man at a time. I’m a terrible pool player too… maybe he could teach you!

  254.  #254Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 5:23 pm

    I am afraid I’m accepting a deviation from my best self by allowing myself not to work towards loosing weight. It’s soo not right, but I am still doing it 🙁

  255.  #255Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    Hi Liz!!

    I feel bad to hear you have the same unsupportive experience with your dad. What works for me? I keep poking at and getting the infection out?

    I’m not really sure what’s working – oh! The Robbins-Madanes stuff that LG’s been sharing has helped a bunch.

    Lots of it is just doing everything I can to heal feelings around self-worth. I’ll share with you more later – wanted to let you know that I see you. I’m feeling super swamped with teleconferences right now – and I’m in the middle of one. I feel grateful to the Universe for sending me all this stuff, yet overwhelmed with all of it. There just don’t seem to be enough hours in the day.

    If I don’t get back to you in the next couple of hours, please send me a friendly reminder. It would feel great to explore this with you.

  256.  #256Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    Thanks Turquoise. One of my CD’s is very nice and caring, and I appreciate him a great deal, but I am not in love. With neither guy I am talking to now.

  257.  #257Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    Memulo, that is something I struggle with also. Babysteps work best for me…

    Add more water
    take a vitamin
    make better food choices
    cut back to eating out no more than once a week
    smaller portions
    start with stretching exercises
    then add walking
    then add some more intense cardio
    next add weights

    My goal is to lose 45 pounds in 9 months. That is only 5 pounds a month. It’s a lot, but it is my goal and I know if I really work hard, I can get there. Have you ever tried spark people? It’s a weight loss website where you can track your water, food, weight loss, exercises, measurements, etc. plus plan menu’s, there are chat boards, articles, you can join groups…. and it’s ALL FREE! You can even make a page, sort of like a myspace page, add photos,…. It helps me to stay motivated when I’m checking in somewhere. I’ve had 4 glasses of water today. That is a lot for me~!

    I also had special K for breakfast, bean soup for lunch, and just had one serving of jumbalaya for dinner. I also had a cookie and some popcorn, so not perfect, but better than my usual. 🙂 Babysteps Memulo… add one good thing for tonight/tomorrow and let me know how it goes! 🙂

  258.  #258Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    Oh, and those are my steps… you don’t have to do it my way 🙂

  259.  #259Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    Sun Goddess!

    Re: 248- weeeeee! Congratulations! Tell us about the boat!

  260.  #260Mary on January 16, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    Is this pulling flak? Whenever i say a feeling message, his response is silence then complaining about something to do with himself (health,pains,work,hungry,etc.) And the general conversations all end up being about him and his problems and “can you do this for me”, “what should i do?” – to which i would always respond in the past with ideas to solve things, to which he would argue with and then later say that I’m controlling him (denying that he specifically asked me for advice). Controlling comment comes after he complains about the same thing the next days/weeks and i ask if he tried my idea or any of his ideas, to which he says no, to which i say im tired of hearing it everyday for the past 3 weeks. – but now i just say ‘what do you think?’ and that ‘i don’t want to be responsible for making your decisions’. I notice he did this alot in past with friends/family and still does. Im so tired of not mattering and always focusing on him. If the focus is on me ever its about how im not tidy enough or that i should be working the same hours as him not any less, or how it must be so nice that i have time to go to the gym when he doesnt. Im frustrated and despite the toxic men advice, im still afraid to end it finally and be totally alone dealing with a big mess of splitting house/business, etc. im just trying to figure out what energy he has and i have and what energy he wants to keep. Thanks for reading..

  261.  #261Liz on January 16, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    Turquoise….I really like what you said about being loved no matter what and then you said you wanted to be loved for being your best self and I would just want to add that you are being loved for being your authentic self, being true to yourself. So you don’t have to work at it, you are just being loved just for being you.

    Also, my meditation teacher says that when we are inspired, we are motivated naturally. So when we get to that place of inner motivation, there is not any procrastination….so i always seek to find my inner peace….then my inspiration follows….like finding being heard on the blog really nourished me and i felt happier inside and found some great ideas for my workshop next monday….that came from a flowing place not a masculine energy, got to get it done place….
    i think of when i procrastinate the most is when i have to write bills and then i realized i was needing healing, i felt insecure and scared as a child when my father would write bills out naked and fuming and so i spent some time healing my little girl and then i actually appreciated writing my bills and thanked the recipients for the services they provided to me and played my favorite music and healed and felt much more in control….masculine energy is way too controlling for me, it always feels better when it flow from a more feeling, creative space for me…

  262.  #262Jilly on January 16, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    ok Sirens…here it is…

    I went out with the sexiest man today…I haven’t had a date like that in a long time lol….and now I’m having a hard time controlling my feelings!!!!!!!!! AAAHHHHH!!!

    Like before the date we were texting…and he said

    Are you ready to be with the last man you’ll ever date? and I thought that was quite gutsy…

    but he is super yummy and I haven’t had super yummy in a long time lol

    help me…I’m all at sea!!!!!!!

  263.  #263LILI 41 on January 16, 2012 at 5:43 pm


    Thanks FW, your comment is received.

    Now, he wants to do things differently and take his time.
    I would had loved to have been at his house cooking for him when he got home, coz I’ve been feeling loved lately.

    In the past when I hadn’t felt loved for a long while, I said I didn’t want to be the woman who is taken for granted and left home cooking and cleaning waiting for her man.
    Maybe he’s still hanging on to that one.

    Whatever he’s thinking and feeling about that, my job is to communicate what I’m feeling authentically.
    The reason I really want to talk to him is to clear things up, regardless.
    Bc the last time we talked about our relationship is him asking me for another chance.
    Me asking 1 week later “Did you really mean that?”.
    Him “Think about it”.
    Our communication had always been closed and vague or me holding it in until I explode.
    That didn’t work for us, so I want things to be different now.

    I’ve been listening to CC’s interview with Gay Hendricks. Gay believes in making our intentions clear from the start.
    That would feel good to me.
    I want our communication to be open and clear to keep from exploding in angry blame all the time.

    Babystepping with FMs and he’s following my lead.
    I said I feel you far far away.
    Him: “I’m so exhausted, my head feels sleepy but my body is still on adrenaline wanting to move. I’m having trouble relaxing after the physical strain.”
    So I gave him an allover body massage.
    He used to say “nothing I’m just tired”.

    He got up this morning and prepared my lunch for work.
    I had that “I wanta talk” speech, and even after that he still scraped the icy frost from my car windows. So I guess I did OK.

    But I see what you mean about not focusing on the key…negative things.

  264.  #264Sun Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 5:44 pm


    Its an 18′ boat that seats seven which is great for the six of us. It is 4 years old and looks like new. I really hope we can get it before someone else finds it. LP has called me four times tonight about it trying to come up with a cute name. He is being so puny!

  265.  #265Jilly on January 16, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    then after the date..he knew I had a client so a little while later he texted..

    scare you away?? lol

    no:) I felt good meeting you 🙂

    then that was it for awhile…

    then he texted asking what I was doing….but the texting feels off 🙁

    seriously ….grrr…uggg…ummph….I don’t want to like him…I hate this feeling of out of control….and we just met…I feel psycho lol

  266.  #266Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    Thank you Turquoise! Would you want me to use your name as a referral on SparkPeople site?

    I only lose weight when I starve myself seriously. But we will see..

  267.  #267Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 5:48 pm


    Why does it feel off? Did he make further plans?

  268.  #268Jilly on January 16, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    Jilly…calm down…breathe…he is just another man….in the rotation…breathe…

    leeeeeaaaannnnn back in your beautiful boat….breathe..I don’t have to DO anything…I AM beautiful and alluring and mysterious just the way I AM….phew….it’s coming back to me…I AM coming back to me….I see lots of beautiful things along the river bank…the water is getting smooth again…there are lots of men…yummy men 🙂

    I have all these sparkles around me…the water wheel is washing all over me, filling me up…I’m receiving ALL the time…ahhhh…relief…there it is…I’m leaning back and receiving from ALL men…

  269.  #269Jilly on January 16, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    No we don’t have further plans…my schedule is busy this week and I leave for Hawaii on Friday…but I could have done something tomorrow night…

    Memulo…I don’t know why it feels “off”

    maybe because he’s not coming on as strong as he was earlier..yep that’s why

  270.  #270LILI 41 on January 16, 2012 at 5:53 pm


    I’m so glad you’re sharing this SG.

    You’ll have great times on that boat together. 🙂

  271.  #271Sun Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    Jilly, do you see that cool tree over there on the riverbank with the pretty bird sitting in it?

  272.  #272Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    Mary, that sounds like a difficult situation, but a familiar one.

    I would say that sometimes people don’t really want anyone to give them advice. They do just want to vent it out, and if you can just really listen, try to see it from his perspective, through his eyes…. maybe you’ll get a different feeling about what he’s saying. It sounds like he’s angry, frustrated, hurt…. is there more to the story that you can share?

    Did you see the Movie Fireproof? It’s based on that book “Fireproof my Marriage” I haven’t read it, but wsh I had heard of it when I was still married. He was MISERABLE for the last year. I couldn’t say anything right, everything was my fault…. but that wasn’t who he was, who I was…. it was where we ended up. I felt hopeless and just wished/prayed things would get better. We needed more help that that. We ended up getting divorced and have both regretted it. A lot of time and distance from our problems made us both realize the mistakes we made, instead of just blaming it all on each other. I don’t know if I’m even saying anything helpful here or not…. I’m rambling…
    But in that fireproof book, it’s a 40 day plan. Maybe you could work through it together.

  273.  #273LILI 41 on January 16, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    The blog is on fire, I can’t keep up.

  274.  #274Sun Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 5:58 pm


    Thanks! I’m getting so excited too. LP is so cute when he is excited about something.

    And, I had been feeling like he wasn’t sexually attracted to me anymore because it’s been a couple of weeks, but today he mentioned it and said pretty soon those antibiotics won’t be in your system anymore and we can be together again. Ah, so he was being thoughtful and careful…that felt kinda good…now I don’t feel like a troll to him. lol

  275.  #275Jilly on January 16, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    Sun Goddess…thank you lol why yes, yes I do 🙂

  276.  #276Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    Jilly, there are just guys like this.. they like to make an impression, seeking the unknown.. not sure how to explain it. Maybe he doesn’t know how to handle it. give him some time. He can be busy tomorrow too.

  277.  #277FlowerChild77 on January 16, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    LG and FW—-it’s the strangest thing…I was going to come here and post that very thing. I feel like he’s withholding affection and just ‘keeping tabs on me’ with frequent phone calls—and me—I’m scared to death to go back to the same situation I left when I moved out.

    I’m scared that if he can’t understand/respond to my feelings and needs now–when he’s wanting me to move back there–how is it going to be when I do? I do NOT want to go back to the ‘two-ships-passing-in-the-night’ life we had before. 🙁

    It is his M.O. to withhold affection and love when he’s angry with me (yeah…red flag, I know) and he insists that he is not angry. He actually got shrill about it when I asked because I sense that he’s mad.

    I’ve never really taken care of myself the way I’m doing now. EVER. I’ve never lived all alone. I’ve never had the zest for life I have now. I’m afraid to lose that. I guess I’m wanting him to show me things can be different and that he can ‘hear’ me. (I don’t “talk about” stuff a lot. I know how he is and I try to work around the fact that he’s not a talker—but the few times I do bring up my feelings I wish he could hear me and not get angry or ignore me.)

    I tried to show him how serious I am about my commitment by helping him make his mortgage payments these last months and by using the rest of my savings to fix things at the house that needed fixing before winter. (new energy efficient, full view door, insulation, new carpet and I’m trying to save up to buy a new stove.) I’m having a hard time paying my own bills now, as I thought I was going to be living there by now and used all my savings. That just makes me feel foolish…very foolish. (Especially since no progress has been made on the beneficiary/will situation.)

    Yup…I’m downright scared, ladies. And I suppose he is too, but me giving up my independence (and my savings) and him giving me some love and affection/sex doesn’t seem like they’re even in the same category….

    I feel silly saying this, but I want to feel like I’m sexy/Sireny enough that he couldn’t go for weeks/months on end without touching me. It’s been awfully hard all these years, as I have a much stronger need for sex than he does. And it appears that he’s using that against me. How do I trust someone like that? Ouch…that brings tears.

    I guess I’ll just meditate and keep putting one foot in front of the other. He said he’s coming over tomorrow…we’ll see, I guess.

    Thank you Sirens…I really appreciate your help.

  278.  #278Starla on January 16, 2012 at 6:02 pm


    OOooh yummy.

    I hear you saying you feel afraid.

    Could you sink into and even ENJOY the intense feeling of attraction and feeling turned on, and leave it at that?

    No attachment to outcome, just feeling filled up with attraction…. Attraction can be a delicious feeling. Can you hold on to that feeling without associating it with him specifically?

    I feel afraid too when I’m in your shoes, so I am trying to focus on just the feeling and not the man or the outcome or any of that. Just the “yesssssss” feeling. It makes me feel alive and sexy and attractive myself.

  279.  #279FlowerChild77 on January 16, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    Brenda…wasn’t “femmystique” one of your other names on the blog? Maybe I’m wrong—just curious.

    And yeah…I did think that was a pretty good FM! 🙂 Thanks for the compliment!

  280.  #280Liz on January 16, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    what was so yummy about him? did he find you yummy?

  281.  #281Starla on January 16, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    268 Jilly
    you beat me too it!! hehe very nice

  282.  #282Starla on January 16, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    Jilly, my men always stop coming on as strong during the first few dates. They realize they really really like me and don’t want to scare a siren off.

    Don’t you worry too much:)

  283.  #283LILI 41 on January 16, 2012 at 6:11 pm


    Gay did speak about the love thermostat in that CC interview.
    Boy do I see mine and how I sabotage to keep it low.

    I would like to have my intentions known.
    I want to keep working on my anger and keep learning how to communicate.
    I want him to feel safe to talk to me about anything.

    Communicating my intentions feels like I’m engaging in a commitment to actually accomplish these these things.

  284.  #284T-Girl on January 16, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    265 Jilly, it is so hard to convey emotions through texting so I think that maybe his texting feeling off could be just NV’s?

    I love what he said to you though. On my first date with J, he had a balloon for me that said “Congratulations on your last first date”. I know…gutsy and corny but I loved it.

  285.  #285Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    No Liz that isn’t quite what I said, I said I’d like to get attention by being my best self, as in this article asks how we get attention. Then I asked if I would want someone to love me not at my best? I didn’t answer that…. because I’d say that is already true, I’m flawed, but loved already… I’m not striving for perfection, lol. I don’t feel I need to change to get love, but to love myself more… I want to be the best version of myself. Make sense?

  286.  #286Jilly on January 16, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    ALL the feedback is helping me 🙂

    yes..I want to feel excited but I’m afraid…I have this “knowing” sinking feeling…this feeling that rarely happens but it does…cause it doesn’t feel good right now…

    he was yummy because he looked amazing and he’s an ex marine with all this confidence and scruff on his face…and he was fun and funny

    I think he found me yummy…he kept saying how beautiful I looked in my pictures and I think I look better in person (sorry I hope that’s not too conceited)

    uggg….I just got an email from another match and I went on and saw that he is on…

    If it were any other date I could CARE less!!!

    ooohhhh…Starla…I do not want to make these feelings about him!!!

  287.  #287Jilly on January 16, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    k talking to new cd now 🙂

  288.  #288T-Girl on January 16, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    I haven’t been around much over the weekend and the blog seems to have been very busy! I don’t think I will be able to catch up on all the posts though I have been trying.

    Just to update, my date with J to celebrate our 8 month anniversay was wonderful. I hadn’t seen him for a few days before so I was so excited to see him anyway. We went for a nice dinner and then to a play downtown afterwards and then out for drinks after that. While we were walking to the venue he would tell me how lucky he was and how great life was. During the play he held my hand and massaged my fingers. He even leaned over to me and whispered “you are so precious” in my ear. I had many chances to melt.

  289.  #289LILI 41 on January 16, 2012 at 6:22 pm


    Thank you for sharing FlowerChild.

    It always feels good to know that we’re not alone w these situations. 🙂

  290.  #290Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    Sun Goddess,

    RE: #264 – Wow, sounds wonderful! I want to get a boat and trailer by the spring, since I live two blocks from the bay!!

    And then I want to ride in my tube with the boat pulling it, and go parasailing, and, and, and! I think water is such a romantic place!

    I wish you many happy times with your man on your new boat!

  291.  #291Sun Goddess on January 16, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    Thanks Brenda! I hope both of our dreams of owning a boat come true!

  292.  #292T-Girl on January 16, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    290 Brenda (and Sun Goddess), I agree about water being a romantic place. For me being around any kind of water – a stream, lake, ocean, or just a fountain is sooo romantic.

  293.  #293Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    Oh and Liz, I definitely have boy energy, and I like it…. for me to try and switch to mostly my feminine energy would require me to change quite a bit about myself. I’m a sagitarrius… it’s a strong astrological sign, that I identify with greatly. I’m a full time single mom, and before that was an Army wife, so I’ve been very responsible for myself for most of my adult life.

    To be honest, sometimes when I come here and read all the feeling messages, paragraphs of feeling messages to explain what could be stated in a few sentences… I think it’s too much. If I were that guy receiving them, it would be WAY too much for me. I’m not criticizing others, I am trying to use more feeling messages, but it’s not the only way to converse. I don’t have to say I feel happy to see you in this long thoughtout poetic way… I can just say I am so happy to see you, and to me, it’s the same! I don’t want a feminine energy man, I like a strong, manly man… but I recognize some of those strong, independent, serious traits in myself, so maybe why I’m more comfortable with that type of man.

    I don’t have any harsh memories in my past that I can link to my procrastinating… it’s more that I’d rather be reading a book or watching a movie, or scanning the blog :).

    I do remember really resenting that I had to cut the grass when my parents got divorced. That it wasn’t fair that I had to do it, wasn’t my fault so why was I being punished. The crazy thing was, it was hardly any grass…lol. We moved to a small house with a tiny front yard, and a big deck over a gravel driveway in the back. Maybe it took me 20 minutes…. and instead of thinking that I could be helping my mom, and supportive to her… I was a 12 year old with an attitude. Makes me sad to think I was so focused on ME!

  294.  #294Starla on January 16, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    I am on my facebook defending marriage

    Yes, this progressive anarchist chick wants to get married! forever!

    I don’t care what anyone says:) I feel so clear on what I want.

  295.  #295Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    I’m probably in the midst of blowing it with Ryan…again.

    Sometimes my feeling messages just say how I really, really feel…

    R: I’m doing pretty good. I had a pretty good day so far.

    B: Good!

    R: How are you doing?

    B: I’ve been feeling kind of lonely today.

    R: Do you know why?

    B: I’m just thinking about how I’ve had probably less than 10 real dates in my life. I’m just really missing you.

    R: Oh

    B: I know, that’s not cool to say. But that’s how I feel.

    R: It’s fine.

    B: I’m not made of steel. I’m not made of stone.

    R: Not too many of us are.

    B: 🙂 Yeah. I checked out the local bar tonight for the first time. There were hardly any people there, but it seem like a nice place.

    R: Cool

  296.  #296Starla on January 16, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    turquoise, if u wanna be Team Stop Procrastinating, we could support each other here, the way we do Team Lean Back and Team Eat Something Already

    if not, no worries:)

    I have a nasty procrastinating habit.

    I’m procrastinating right now 😛

  297.  #297Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    B: I feel bored with a mostly phone relationship.

  298.  #298Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    R: What do you want to do?

    B: Spend time with you.

  299.  #299Starla on January 16, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    Brenda, it’s good to notice your own patterns. I feel excited for you.

  300.  #300Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    R: How?

    B: It’s up to you. What do you think?

  301.  #301Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    Jilly… sounds like my kind of man…. 🙂 MMMM military! You are in a good place, you have the tools to get through these intense feelings… not necessarily a bad thing!!! Just keep breathing! 🙂

  302.  #302Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 6:49 pm


    What do you mean? What patterns? Am I handling this ok with Ryan? Any suggestions here?

    R: What do you mean?

  303.  #303Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    B: It would feel nice to see you tonight.

  304.  #304Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    R: What do you want to do?

    B: It’s up to you.

  305.  #305Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    B: I like it when a man makes plans and makes decisions.

  306.  #306Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    I don’t trust myself in handling these Sireny feeling messages. I always seem to flub it up. That is why I post. I am welcoming anyone to guide me. I feel scared of pushing him away for the millionth time.

  307.  #307Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    Starla….. I love that!!!! 🙂 I need to be on team don’t eat that though, lol. Ok, I’m going to switch over my laundry, load the dishwasher and I”ll be back!

  308.  #308FlowerChild77 on January 16, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    (((Brenda))) Do you feel like you’re headed toward wanting (or admitting to him) that you want more than friendship again?

  309.  #309Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 6:57 pm


    No, I’m just wanting a date! Just a simple date!!!

  310.  #310Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    He called me and I feel scared.

  311.  #311Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    Brenda, just one quick one and then I need to go and not procrastinate for a little while.

    You said you were ok with just being friends with Ryan and it might help if you could keep that in mind. Having a man make the plans is a dating thing, not a friendship thing. If you could stop treating him as a romantic possibility and rather just as a friend, I think you could shift the vibe of this relationship. Men feel good and fall in love when they are having a good time with someone. What is the most fun thing you could think to do with Ryan right now? Something where you can laugh, and relax and enjoy each other’s company, but also the surroundings? Maybe if you could think about creating new special memories together, having fun, as friends, and change the vibe (because now it’s pretty much that he’s not giving you what you want, so he’s failing) it might create a true new beginning for you both.

  312.  #312Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing.

    I told him that. He said, “Like what?”

    I said, “I’m thinking.”

  313.  #313Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 7:05 pm


    Thanks, that really helps shift my vibe and get me on the right path.

  314.  #314Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    I switched the topic. Going okay.

  315.  #315Starla on January 16, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    Brenda, I think you’re way leaning forward. He said he wants to be just friends. You’re telling him to take you out on a date. I would stop that RIGHT NOW.

    What I mean is you notice you’re doing it. That’s huge. You hve the power to change the topic/lean back any time. (you did this, good job!). I would actually get off the phone and stop thinking about him as much as possible because i recognize the addiction to him and how it controls my behavior…but that’s just me!

  316.  #316FlowerChild77 on January 16, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Brenda…do you think that maybe you are expecting too much of yourself in this situation?

    I know how deeply you feel about Ryan and I’m wondering if it’s really possible for you to be truly authentic and still insist that it’s fine with you to “just be friends.”


    Are you willing to do anything to keep him in some part of your life—even if it means being disingenuous to/with yourself?

  317.  #317Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Eww. Errr. That’s kinda like a grrr, but different. I’m noticing I feel protective of my resources.

    Like I share stuff with my friend who’s been kinda coasting along the last year while I’ve been workin my arse off and she wants me to share the link with her – share my expertise with her. And I feel like, “no. I’ve invested all this time into this and now you want me to make it easy for you? That’s what I get paid for, for making it easy. If you want the info for free, go work for it like I did.”

    I feel bad about my stinginess. I don’t know what this is coming up to heal. It feels yucky. I feel like a bad, bad person for not wanting to share.

    And no, this isn’t directed toward anyone I’ve here on the blog, or anyone I’m communicating with off of the blog. Just doing some processing here.

  318.  #318Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 7:20 pm


    Thanks. I’m getting it, little by little. We are talking on light topics now.

  319.  #319Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 7:22 pm


    RE: 316 – Thank you! Good acrostic! Will need to think about that.

  320.  #320Starla on January 16, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    Turquoise, I’m going to do my tax return. I’ve been procrastinating for almost 2 hours. Shouldn’t take long, my tax return is the simplest thing ever. Be back!

  321.  #321Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    We just got off the phone after I said, “Well, should I let you go?”

    I feel okay about our conversation. But not great, because of the way I started off so intense. I asked him what he thought my emotional age was at. He said it’s hard to gauge it in a number for age, but he could tell when he met me that I had emotional issues.

    I did my best to do light damage control, saying I didn’t mean to put pressure on him.

  322.  #322Jilly on January 16, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    k ladies…i’m back

    Turquoise..I totally thought of you when I met him too lol seriously …yep he is yummy!! did I mention that before?? 😉

    T-girl…I love that he said that to you!! 🙂 yes yesterday he said…”I’ve finally found you!!” awww…so sweet

    Starla…that brings me so much relief hearing that they back off a lot because they don’t want to scare you off…that really resonates with me…I’m going to go ahead and believe that story 🙂

    plus he just texted “good night beautiful” while I was on the phone…even though it’s only 730 PM??? oh well…I just respond…I don’t have to analyze 🙂

  323.  #323Starla on January 16, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    Oh gosh, I feel some major NVs about posting all that stuff about marriage on my facebook just now

    i feel exposed

    sometimes i can’t tell if an NV is just an NV, or if it is my intuition telling me I’ve overshared or acted weird without realizing it.

    though sometimes I just experience NVs and bad feelings when I am trying to get something productive done. it’s like my own little built in procrastination prolonging device.

    it would feel good to be able to trust my intuition all the time and never confuse my NVs for intuition. At least I take the time to ask myself if I am sure if something is really true or not before I let it destroy everything good. That’s a good start.

    ok now i am really going to do my tax return

  324.  #324Jilly on January 16, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    T-Girl..I love that story of your night out…bliss…. 🙂

  325.  #325Jilly on January 16, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    Starla..I hear that one!!!!

    This weekend I said something to a client then I felt exposed and vulnerable and my NV’s were out of control all weekend…but I felt good about what I said when I said it…NV’s or intuition????? but I felt icky afterwards…

  326.  #326Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 7:46 pm


    Maybe you need to do a Ryan detox. Distance from my relationship with my ex ended up being my BEST FRIEND EVER, and I dreaded it so much. I was so worried that with distance, we’d grow even further apart, that I would lose him, so I CLUNG to him. It didn’t help at all, it did a lot of damage. (My clingyness). It took us a long time to get where we are, and I don’t even really know where we are….. but I am removing the expectation that it will be “something more” and just enjoying WHAT IS. This is the best we’ve gotten along in a really long time. We are both single (these past 8 months) at the same time for the first time in 4 years. Is that a coincidence that we are getting along better? I don’t think so. I think after time, distance, new relationships, we’ve learned a lot about ourselves, we grew, and realized what we lost.

    He is not saying the words to me that he wants to give us another chance. The house, could be just about the girls…. but I feel it’s more. I was vert tempted to ask him if he ever thought about coming back, but I am not asking. Even if he said yes, it doesn’t mean he will, or that it would work out.

    So I am focusing on just living my life, being in the moment… and being open to the possibility of what may come. I love him, I do… and it used to be in an addicted to him/jealous/terrified of losing him kind of way. Now, it’s in a whole new light. I respect the changes and growth I see, what an amazing dad he’s been, how generous he’s been to me, how solid and supportive he’s been to his family, that he’s been to hell and back several times with deployments and he’s come back a kinder, gentler man. I want him to be happy, and I don’t know that it will be with me. He’s not perfect, I’m not perfect, we have a lot of history, good and bad… he truly hurt me, and I’d be afraid that could happen again….. so I’m not going into this with any expectations except that I want to move forward, be happy and enjoy my life, day by day.

    If you could subtract Ryan from your happily ever after equation, think about what that might look like in your life if he isn’t a romantic part of it…. and then go for it, go for what makes you happy…. and be open to the possibility that Ryan MAY be there… might be the switch you need?

  327.  #327Jilly on January 16, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    So…military man…just asked how the rest of my day went with my clients and I responded with…

    “I feel happy with….”

    but I wanted to be a smart ass and say

    “well…wouldn’t you like to know”

    but I refrained…but he’s a total smartass and sometimes I like to play along…

  328.  #328Mary on January 16, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    #272 Turquoise,
    Hi and thx for your reply. Just wondering do you still remain friends with your exhusband, get back together?
    Yeah there is lots going on. He’s feeling sorry for himself because he lost control again and with my encouragement, decided to move out. He has huge hatred and anger for me and is telling everyone i forced him out, etc.. Yet he has admitted he holds me responsible for his dad not liking me, and for all of his unhappiness, bc he ‘never gets what he wants out of the relationship’. i feel like im always giving and am empty and alone after, just drained from him. Then on regular days, its biz as usual, work, friends and nothing else, no time/attn put onto us, but a lot expected from me to make him happy. I’ve never been married, but with owning a house/business together the lives are so intertwined i fear the separating part and decisions made of anger. I have not seen that movie but i will def check it out – thx. We are talking on the phone now but i’m so conflicted as i don’t want to continue the violent cycle (verbal/emotional) that i have lived with for years, but i also am so afraid of being alone. With my decisions are not always logical more fear based its horrible. I wish i had my family back (died) and my friends back, i think that support would make me feel stronger but its been way too long and a long distance move.
    it feels scary to make new friends, especially with women, i never know what to say. ive tried at social gatherings, yoga, gym, etc, but with not much results, and dont want to come off desperate although i feel that way sometimes. So i wonder anyone have any ideas how to become friends with a woman (ages 25-40) bc i have no idea how to get past the acquaintance stage?

  329.  #329Radiance on January 16, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    119 FW & 120 Starla

    Thank you, Sirens, for offering me your insights. I feel supported and encouraged and my heart feels expanded. I feel happy to receive your wisdom.

  330.  #330Sweetpea on January 16, 2012 at 7:51 pm


    Also, I’m removing him from my inner circle. I’m choosing to surround myself only by those who support me and my vision fully.

    And, I already mentioned on here. I checked in with my inner little girl to see where I was wounded and to see what would make her feel better. Standing up to him was my answer – I’ve not done so yet, but it’s coming. Mentally I’m preparing myself, and letting some of the feelings of anger and betrayal fade. My goddess feels angry and strong. I don’t want to obliterate the poor man – just stand up to him.

  331.  #331Jilly on January 16, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    Wow!! I feel soooo grateful for this blog…I had some INTENSE feelings!! I haven’t felt those in sooo long lol

  332.  #332Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    I need a better name for my ex than my ex…lol.

    Reading the comments about NV’s…. I am so excited to say that I didn’t have 1 last night!!!! WOW. I was actually pleasantly surprised several times.

    The only thing he said that make me pause a second was when he said he was worried about the girls finding him in my bed in the morning. But I wouldn’t have wanted that either, like I said… I have no idea if this will go anywhere… certainly wouldn’t say anything to my girls about us unless we’d decided in a major way to get back together and felt quite sure that we’d reconcile… and that would be a family conversation.

    There really is something to say about the comfort level with someone you’ve known so long. I didn’t have any NV’s because I know him so well….. and am so comfortable with him.

    If we didn’t have such strong chemistry… I don’t know if we’d still be like this together, but talk about YUMMY Jilly…. he’s my yummy!

  333.  #333Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 7:59 pm


    Good luck with the taxes! I don’t have my w-2’s yet. I did my dishes, wiped down the counters, island and table. I also folded laundry, and my washer and dryer are going! Yeah me! I can wake up tomorrow and exercise before work!

    Happiness is motivating. I’m happy and motivated!

  334.  #334Jilly on January 16, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    Turquoise…you sound soooo good! 🙂 yes…I WANT yummy too lol

    Frankly I feel tired of dating men that I’m not excited about right off the bat! 🙂 I want to look at him and think…yessireeee!! That is my man!! 🙂

    k i’m just being a dork now 🙂

  335.  #335Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 8:07 pm


    RE: #326 – Thank you! I feel so happy for you with where you are at in YOUR relationship!

    Keep in mind, I’ve had 2.5 years to detox from Ryan! I mean, he’s loosely stayed in touch, but believe me, I’ve gone thru a lot of changes in all that time after he left my life.

    Now that he’s coming back into my life, I feel very excited as a whole. But at my strong moments, I do keep things in perspective.

    At the moment, we are texting about loneliness and long distance relationships in a healthy, healing way. He is being supportive to me. It feels comfortable.

  336.  #336Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 8:09 pm


    What I also mean is that I don’t think right now is a season for me to detox from him. He needs me and I need him. And we are getting along better than EVER! It is a time of getting reacquainted. And I believe our friendship is growing deep.

  337.  #337Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    OH!!!!! And I totally forgot to tell you about how my being taken care of vibe continued at work! I work for a contracting company, we have a mechanic on site, several of the other guys in the garage know enough to do most things like change your breaks, etc. Well, the one guy was going to put in a new alternator for me last Friday, but we got hit with a storm, roads were bad, work was backed up and I didn’t go get the part… so, this morning I was about 15 minutes late for work because of my dead battery. The head garage guy asked me about M doing the work on my car and I told him I hadn’t gotten to go pick up the parts. He told me who to call at which auto parts store, they deliver and they’d get my new battery installed today. So I did, plus ordered my alternator (which they sold me at the company discount and saved me $40!) M put in my new battery, but couldn’t get the alternator out. Our new mechanic checked it out, says he has the tool at home and will take care of it for me tomorrow. The great thing is though, he doesn’t think I even need a new alternator, just a new belt, which will save me about $140 dollars!!!! SO, the garage may have been trying to rip me off… but my work friends, stepped in to take care of it, and I might be saving some money! Even if I do need the new alternator, at least I’ll have gotten a second opinion I can trust. 🙂

  338.  #338Emmie on January 16, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    Hi everyone,
    I have been following Rori Raye for about a month or so now. I have just gone through a horrible breakup which looked like it was going to turn around to something positive, but then my pain starting acting and I have lost him again…I am realising that I was the TOXIC one the majority of the time and I dont know how to forgive myself, especially since all i want to do is write to him and tell him I can now see clearly and I am sorry. Of course he played poorly too, and his actions since the break up have been awful…but i dont believe he doesn’t love me or doesnt want to try again (he was telling me he did up until two weeks ago)….i have decided to remove myself from everything for the next month…I have given an ultimatum, awful I know but we are only 24 are rather immature, kept in a bit of a bubble world, and everything that we are doing is only making things worse.

    I have said he has until 12th feb for time,space,distance, to do what he likes and then if he still feels the love/possibility of something that we meet at a mutal place….this feels right by me, i feel that it is the only way we can both clear our heads…

    I just cant work out if im in denial – but MY GUT, my instincts, my everything tell me he still loves me and will be there on the 12th….am I only setting myself up for hurt?

    In the coming month I will be focusing on uni and on bettering myself, because I truly feel i was the toxic one, and I truly want to change.

    has anyone and advice please?? im so lost and feel so lonely and confused. Has anyone ever made all the mistakes in the relationship and been able to turn it all around??

    i love reading your comments too, about eveything, you are all so insightful and positive!!


  339.  #339Memulo on January 16, 2012 at 8:13 pm


    I remember you saying that you are open to meet other men.. have you talked to anyone yet?

  340.  #340Tiffany on January 16, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    Late on the blog, as usual. Feel like I need time to take care of myself in between posts…

    Loving the discussion about “pulling flak.”

    I guess if we can see how negative and damaging it is when our mothers do it, then maybe we can try that much harder not to repeat the process…(although it’s hard when that is/was your primary example.)

    Starla, that’s rotten to hear about your mom. Sounds like you are grounded enough to know that it has nothing to do with you. And I don’t know if this is her, but some people really have a compulsion to lie – likely related to this phenomenon of “pulling flak” – to get attention. Just in the extreme. And they can’t control it. Boo. 🙁 But at least the rest of us can…

    I think, too, on the opposite side of this is when we “give” flak. Like when we give someone “negative attention” (i.e. obsessing over what he’s done “wrong,” etc.) and we feel like we are giving “love.”

    Seems to me there must be a switch in the middle somewhere, where if we flip it to “positive” it would solve both problems at once…hm….If only I could find that switch in this pitch darkness…

    Guess I’ll have to feel for it!

  341.  #341Tiffany on January 16, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    And I disagree slightly with Rori – the negative attitude and “flak-pulling” get attention, for sure! But it’s a short-lived attention, and after a while, people won’t want to stick around (as we all know from flak-pulling moms, etc….)

    So yeah, it gets attention. But not the REAL attention she craves….

    Being sweet and having boundaries at the same time – THAT will get someone’s attention – in a good way, I’d say.

  342.  #342Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    Brenda, I didn’t mean long term detox 🙂 Even just a week can help you get perspective… but I respect what you are saying and that you know where you are. If you can keep the romantic expectations out of things ( i know it will be hard) your vibe will relax and he’ll feel more comfortable. 🙂 At least I think so…lol. Try and end the conversation if it starts getting more serious or you feel it’s a topic that will lead to an uncomfortable situation. Good luck! Keep us posted! Great sign that he called you!!! 🙂

  343.  #343Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 8:33 pm


    Yes, my ex and I have been divorced for almost 4 years, and separated for over 6. Off and on during that time we’ve had major battles and also been sexually involved. It’s been very hard for us to completely let go. THe advice I gave to Brenda above, about distance….. it really helped! But it takes awhile, it doesn’t get better over night.

    I also went to a therapist in the beginning and that was truly beneficial for me. I went for about 8 months and would recommend it to anyone struggling in a relationship. I did work on ME, not really my relationship, but on ME.

    As far as making friends, I have made most of mine through my children or reconnected with old friends from college/high school.

    I think we can make friends anywhere! My sister was having a yard sale years ago, and her best friend had just moved out of state. She struck up a conversation with one of the women at her sale, they hit it off and she asked her if she’d want to be her new best friend. ) They were in their early 40’s, not teenagers. 🙂 They did become best friends and introduced each other to other women, and they had this network of girlfriends that got together regularly for birthdays, girls nights, etc. My sister has since passed away from breast cancer, but those girlfriends, meant everything to her. We need good friends. Our romantic relationships can’t always give us what we need, and in those times especially it helps to have girlfriends to listen, offer advice and support. If you don’t have women in your life that can do that for you, then you ended up in the right place!!! There are amazing women here 🙂

  344.  #344Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    Wow interesting topic, this article. Perhaps I feel that sometimes I have to throw a fit so I am heard. I overdo it sometimes

  345.  #345Starla on January 16, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    Warning, really long post about finances and abundance and the law of attraction and money. Here is the summary: I OWE on my taxes and feel defeated because it’s only because I was bumped up a tax bracket. I’m dealing with feelings of wondering why i even bother taking a good job seriously if the end result is the same as working part time at subway (something i did before). The moral of the story is that I won’t ever give up. Yay me. You can now resume your evening. Or you can read my long post with lots of thoughts about how to be richer:

    I did my taxes…I OWE money it says. I feel defeated…I achieved the next income tax bracket but am left with a bill instead of a refund.

    Sometimes the way things work out, I’ve felt like I was better off staying poor. I feel penalized a lot for breaking into the middle class. And it’s the very bottom of the middle class for Spaghetti’s sake!

    I remember when I finally made enough money to get off of food stamps, with my own business, but had to pay soooo much in taxes that in the end I would have had the same to show for it if I had remained below the poverty line. When it came time to apply for my second year of college, they said I made too much to get grants. and so i saddled on all this debt. but if i hadn’t worked that hard to generate that income, i would have been rewarded with free school and no tax bill.

    I want those programs to stay in tact!!! But gosh I feel like I can’t get ahead sometimes!! I was born into extreme poverty and it takes so much to claw your way out of it! I don’t care what law of attraction/belief experts say about me saying you have to “claw your way out” of extreme poverty. It IS the truth. There is a reason there is a huge population of impoverished Americans. It is very hard to get up and over that hump with the way things are structured now. I’m still climbing over it, it seems.

    But I commit myself to getting over the hump. I am just embracing the holding on by my claws alone to my current position on this climb up. I won’t bother saying woe is me after this, because that might make me feel discouraged from finding the money elsewhere, and might make me feel disconnected from abundance and unmotivated. I can find that money elsewhere. This is not to say “I will sit back and it will appear in my lap so I won’t skip the manicures next month,” and I will put that money in my saving’s account.

    I hate it when people understand “abundance” as expecting it to fall into your lap no matter the choices you make. abundance is an attitude. if you HAVE to get your damn manicure because it gives you a sense of abundance, you actually are living a very scarce lifestyle. i skip the manicure because i choose to put the money towards a long term vision, knowing i can get a manicure the next month or any month after that if I choose. I build actual long term security with money and emotional security in abundance by knowing in my heart there will be more manicures, not the other way around where i secure material abundance in the short term form of a manicure and attempt to establish emotional security in abundance by knowing in my heart large sums of money will appear somehow.

    believe large sums of money are headed for you, but save a lil bit anyway to ensure it will eventually happen anyway

    you can’t lose this way:) How lucky is that:)

    Even if you’re putting .25 cents into your savings, you just voted for your financial well being with that quarter.

  346.  #346Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 8:45 pm


    RE: #339 – I posted an ad and got a few responses. Nothing has materialized into a date yet.


    Welcome! I dated Ryan for 10 months in 2009 and made every mistake Rori talks about and then about a million more huge ones that Rori never even imagined! 🙂

    And Ryan has come back in my direction as a friend, so far, 2.5 years later!

  347.  #347Starla on January 16, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    Ok Team Stop Procrastinating
    I’ve procrastinated my “mandatory” hour of beauty/relaxation rituals long enough. I remember that I’m happier and more confident and less stressed when I take time to do these things. Gonna go do that.

    Be back to report.

  348.  #348Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 8:49 pm


    RE: #342 – I see what you are saying, and I see how that worked successffullyy two night. LOL.

    And yet I get confuzzled over when to use gut-pouring feeling messages such as I commented on earlier today:

    I’m just a girl, here.
    I need to feel loved and touched and
    missed…and I don’t
    feel that when so much time goes by

    That’s what I was REALLY feeling. So I have a hard time knowing when it’s appropriate to say something like that and when it’s not.

    Cuz I’m still a little socially backward inside.

  349.  #349Starla on January 16, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    Em, I’ve been there. They’ll come back. You have to actually change, though, or they’ll leave again. If it’s a very toxic pattern of yours I recommend talking to a therapist who can work with you to knock it off. And lots of focusing on yourself more because when we lose sight of ourselves, that’s when we turn toxic to our men…looking to them as an extension of ourselves and our self worth (or vice versa) and that is so much pressure for both of you.

    You might need a break from him to really get a hold of toxic patterns and break them. Though sometimes you get the work done much faster if you can go to your therapist and say “okay, my guy and i had THIS situation, and this is how i reacted.”

    I’m not a therapist so I could be completely off base. This has just been my own personal experience

    Someone should say something about being exclusive with him, but I’ll leave it to someone else.

    Okay really leaving now!

  350.  #350Monica on January 16, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    Hello my new siren friends & dear Coach RORI!

    I feel that I am being a good siren by giving lots of space to my boyfriend who has had a major family crisis related to his mom…

    I feel good for sticking by him, but I have no time to waste and I am a bit fearful that it might not work out after all I waited… On the other hand, dating others right now does not seem right at all…

    What do U think? Your Rori Raye ideas?

    Thank you!



  351.  #351Starla on January 16, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    “So I have a hard time knowing when it’s appropriate to say something like that and when it’s not.”

    in my opinion, it’s appropriate when dating. not when the man says JUST FRIENDS.

    that is a job for your own boundaries. “we can’t be friends, ryan, i’m sorry. i have feelings for you and i find myself wanting more than friendship.”

    hopefully i’m making sense in illustrating the difference between when boundaries come into play because you want more than friendship and he doesn’t v. open feeling messages in dating about your romantic needs so he can meet them as your suitor.

    omg seriously. leaving now. worst procrastinator ever. love me.

  352.  #352Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    Aw Brenda….. I hate to say this, but I don’t think you can say that to him and have it go well. That seems to be the sort of thing that has him remind you that he isn’t interested in being romantic. 🙁

    You will need to let that go, and treat him just like you would a girlfriend. You wouldn’t say that to a girlfriend or a man you wern’t attracted to right?

    I see this as what brings you back into this spiral with him. You start talking, you have feelings, he doesn’t step up enough, you feel hurt, tell him what you want, he tells you that he doesn’t want that, asks if you should stop being friends, and you decide that you’d rather have him in your life, so you’ll be just friends. And then it all cycles through again.

    How about this time, you doing something different! How about instead of telling him those things and getting that same answer, you journal or blog about it. Keep putting yourself out there on the dating sites (I know a couple women who have married the men they met on Craigslist!) This time…. just be his friend. Spend time as friends, leave the door closed to those personal feeling conversations and see what happens? Maybe he’ll surprise you!

  353.  #353Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    Okay, I just put into words something I’ve been wanting to express to Ryan for a long time. I just texted him this:

    B: I like it that you have genius intelligence. I don’t want you to try to hide that from me. I I I want to feel all the way safe with you.

    R: I personally do not believe that I am a genius.

    B: You know how you said that you felt like you were being told you were stupid when I told you that you’re not stupid? I feel like I’m being told that I’m stupid, also, when I’m told that you are not unusually intelligent.

    B: My intellect and psyche are interacting with this wonderful human being. Then I am told that it is not really happening. I feel insulted, because I am not stupid, either. And I feel confused. And I don’t want to feel that way with you.

    R: No one else has ever called me a genius.

    B: It would feel good if we could connect not only heart to heart, but mind to mind, and psyche to psyche.

    R: What do you mean?

    B: It would feel good if my questions and comments were not evaded. I feel sidestepped when I hear about what other people do or don’t say about your intelligence. I didn’t ask you that. It would feel so good to connect with you right here, right now, between you and me. I don’t like to feel manipulated.

    R: Ur not being manipulated.

  354.  #354Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    B: I feel disconnected, and that makes me feel sad.

  355.  #355Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    R: I’m sorry

  356.  #356Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    B: I wonder if I am to believe that you are intentionally trying not to connect with me intellectually.

  357.  #357Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    B: LOL, you’re an intellectual challenge, I will hand you that!

    R: I don’t know what the heck you are talking about.

    R: I am not trying to be a challenge.

    B: I am laughing, because this is a case in point.

  358.  #358Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 9:19 pm

    B: It’s okay, Ryan! We can mentally spar some other time! 🙂 🙂 I would rather be cuddling with you, truth be known! I’m a loverrr, not a fighter! LOLOL!

  359.  #359Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 9:19 pm


    Why is it so important to keep forcing the issue that you think he’s a genius? I would let that one go. The conversation sounds tense on your part. You’ve told him, over and over again that you believe that. You can’t make him believe it because you do.

    My girls tell me all the time that they don’t think I’m fat, that I’m beautiful. The roll around my stomach and my size XL shirts (I was a 5 when I got married) are telling me otherwise. They can say it over and over again, and I love that they believe that about me…. but they can’t make me believe I don’t need to lose weight just because of their opinion.

  360.  #360Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    Brenda, this is WAY TOO in his head.

    B: I wonder if I am to believe that you are intentionally trying not to connect with me intellectually

    Him saying he doesn’t know what the heck you are talking about…. I’d believe him.

    I wonder if you have him built up in your mind to be a lot more than he is. In your happy ever after, what are you talking about? What are you doing? Is it having psyche to psyche conversations? Is he saying he’s looking for that in a relationship? I’m confused, must be missing something here.

  361.  #361Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 9:23 pm


    RE: #352 – Oops, I just saw this post. Yeah, I see what you’re saying. I know you’re right, and I pushed it too far and now he has withdrawn.

  362.  #362Brenda on January 16, 2012 at 9:29 pm


    Re: #360 – I just called him cuz I didn’t want to end it with him not responding at all. He was eating and said he’s not upset with me. I told him I didn’t mean any harm, and he said it’s okay. I said, “Are we good?” He said yeah and that he wants to go do such-and-such. I told him I didn’t want to end the conversation feeling yucky so that’s why I called him. He said okay.

    The psyche thing is that he is very intelligent and insightful, and he gets to the heart of everything as no one I’ve ever known. And then he acts like I imagined it all. Like he’s just this simple, naive boy-man and I made it all up.

    It’s frustrating and maddening, and it leaves me looking like a fool.

  363.  #363Luzydel on January 16, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    So “s” contacted me to wonder if I had anything to do with something that happened to him today…

    I Felt so disappointed to hear that he doesn’t really know that I am not vengeful person; that he thinks I would do something to hurt him because I am not getting my way with him (those were his words).

    All I said was I feel very hurt when someone makes judgments of me that are not true. What makes you think I will do something to hurt you?

    Him: “well you like me”

    Me: yes I do and that is one reason not to do any harm to you.

    Then he started to say that women form my nationality tend to be hot tempered etc.
    I never raised my voice to this man, or said things in an aggressive way…I feel he has issues with me, like he needs to take things on me…I leaned back and left him space, but he calls to make a false accusation.

    He did apologize after I used a lot of feeling messages, he said sorry I apologize etc.
    I feel like he is loosing points with me; I feel he has not really see the real me, and I feel turned off by that.

  364.  #364Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    Don’t beat yourself up about it…. he’ll come back, he always does…. but that man apologizes to you way too much and too regularly about how you feel or what you don’t feel from him. It’s going to be hard to sustain a friendship if you can’t get past this type of conversation.

    I’m off to bed… my little one had a bad dream so we are going to snuggle.

    Goodnight sirens!!!! 🙂

    Oh Starla, sorry to hear you owe on your taxes, but good job getting them done, and crossing that off your list! 🙂

  365.  #365Turquoise on January 16, 2012 at 9:37 pm

    Brenda, ok, then appreciate that fact about him, but what’s the harm in just keeping it to yourself from now on?

    I think you are embarrassing him with all the praise. Remember, don’t build him up too high! He’s just a man. (Maybe a very special one, but still, human)

  366.  #366Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    345 Starla I soooo hear you on the taxes. I feel that the tax burden on the middle class is still waayyyyyy too high. It totally sucks the life out of people.

    It’s very discouraging. Sorry to be negative, but it’s true.

    The income tax on the middle class is why people get creative and do business under the table TO SURVIVE.

    Well when I complained about that, everyone told me I need to buy a house or have a baby for a tax writeoff. Well having a baby sounded a bit extreme for me, considering I was single, so I bought a house. I did have a bit of a tax break, but omg I had to pay property taxes up the wazzu. So I think I just broke even by signing a bunch of papers on a Deed to a house…LOL.

  367.  #367Silver-Tongued Siren on January 16, 2012 at 9:40 pm


    “I know there is state assistance with daycare for women like us…” –

    I haven’t been able to acquire it. I don’t believe I’ve even been given accurate information by the people who have interviewed me. I have contacted several people including a person who is in charge of an entire office and can’t seem to get responses. …. Very confusing..but all of this state stuff can be at times. I’ve spent hours on the phone with these people getting information straight, hours at the office re-filling out applications when they lose them, etc. Other times everything goes smoothly. Anyway, I haven’t been approved.

    “I remember almost a year ago…u were describing u relationship with this man as an “open relationship”…

    HE had described it as an open relationship at times, when I had NOT agreed to any such thing. Perhaps to him that is what it was at that time just simply because he said so, but it felt more like a way of justifying any actions I did not agree with to our friends. And since my feelings were never considered, I did not really feel good about that.

    What we call our relationship is not as important as how we treat each other, that we are using our relationship as a means to heal one another, a sacred place where we hold space for one another, AND that I feel loved, wanted, honored, and respected, and my feelings are cared about, and our relationship gets priority.

    I have always intended to keep our committed relationship, ONLY between us. No matter how willing I am to do otherwise, I still believe not containing our physical relationship to only us would be limiting and harmful to our relationship and us as partners.

    I love him enough to get through this together and allow the strengthening of our relationship as a result, but currently, unless I see a reason to do things differently, that means that he needs to recommit to our relationship, focus on healing our relationship, healing himself, and making our relationship the priority, keeping me safe and loved.

    I question whether this is the approach I should take, however, since that means I am focusing a lot of energy on what I DON’T want by refusing to allow it.

    The funny thing is that with some exceptions of acting out, particularly during one very rough time in our relationship, he has only been with me, and the more I let go of the more he sticks to my side. He has certainly had an element of ego/power/control/pride working at times… And I believe that to truly love him would be to get through it.

    But the point here, in all of this, is how I FEEL. Feeling loved, wanted, appreciated, honored, cherished, respected. I know I may not feel this way ALL of the time in my relationship as every relationship goes through its ups and downs and sometimes you just have to stick with it, but..
    maybe the best thing to do is just Mirror him. Tho I can’t say I’ve mastered that either, it’s something I’ve been paying attention to more lately.

  368.  #368Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 9:40 pm

    BTW Starla, I think you are amazing and I admire you soo much for your determination in being successful…however that is defined for you!!!!

    I like how you switched it around to the positive. I will try to do the same. I have much to be thankful for.

    Much love and hugs…

  369.  #369Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    Hi Monica! 😀

  370.  #370Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 9:44 pm

    359 Turquoise I feel touched at how sweet your girls are telling you that you are not fat and you’re beautiful!!! Sooo sweet. I’m sure they are lovely girls and they surely think their Mom is amazing! I think that is soo precious!! Awww!!!! I feel all mommy soft for you.

    OK ladies sorry for spamming the blog…
    I need a lil guidance how do I respond when a man asks me “what is your schedule like this week?”

    Should I say “It’s a lil busy but not too bad. What did you have in mind?”

  371.  #371Starla on January 16, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    “The income tax on the middle class is why people get creative and do business under the table TO SURVIVE. ”

    bingo. ain’t no shame in it. suck the life out of me and i’ll find life elsewhere. i’m not going to lay down and die, lol.

  372.  #372Starla on January 16, 2012 at 9:59 pm

    Team Stop Procrastinating
    I took a nice hot shower and deep conditioned my hair and exfoliated all over:) now i am going to put on lotion, be back to report, lol.

    I feel better now that i did it, but it’s getting late, and i’ll need to blow dry my ginormous hair before i go to bed because my pink hair dye will stain the sheets when wet.

    i guess i’m procrastinating getting the lotion on the skin (or else it gets….) by posting here.

    okay knock it off starla


  373.  #373Silver Moonbeam on January 16, 2012 at 10:00 pm

    #38 Starla and #39 Brenda

    Thank you for your explanations, it makes sense now.

    I don’t know that I ever really pulled flak but I did used to be a nag when I was married, simply because I didn’t know any other way, and of course it never worked. I hope I have learnt a lot more in these last 8 or 9 years since my divorce.

    Spot on Brenda. 😀

  374.  #374Silver Moonbeam on January 16, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    #42 Starla

    That just feels awful to read, I am so sorry your mum did this to you. 🙁

  375.  #375Daria on January 16, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    i am committed to dissolving my image and belief of clawing out of poverty

    i feel surprised to hear that come up for someone else – Starla

    i didn’t know other people had this concept.. i thought it was me personally (tho now realizing it makes sense that it would have come from other people having it as well)

    well one can say im not poor now

    but i still have the obsession with clawing out of poverty

    for me i do think its all in my belief system … its still sticking with me now !

    babysteps to heal it

    it feels real scary to approach , even to beat around the bush with this for me

    love to me

  376.  #376Daria on January 16, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    lately ive been seeming to be in situations wehre i feel pressured for sex…

  377.  #377Nicole on January 16, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    Brenda have you tried writing any scripts and using primarily “feeling messages” to share what’s going on with you??

  378.  #378Daria on January 16, 2012 at 10:06 pm

    and situations where people’s stereotypes are expressed outwardly


    love to me

  379.  #379Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 10:06 pm

    371 Starla you rock

  380.  #380Silver Moonbeam on January 16, 2012 at 10:08 pm

    #60 FW

    I love this post, thanks for sharing.

  381.  #381Nicole on January 16, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    @lately I’ve felt small and I’ve felt closed down and quite lonely.

  382.  #382Nicole on January 16, 2012 at 10:10 pm

    @daria lately I’ve felt small and I’ve felt closed down and quite lonely.

  383.  #383mali on January 16, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    @ 198- Starla and 213- Liz

    Thankyou for this… you’re right, absolutely… I had a hand reading a few months back by Nadia Tumas, an dthe first thing she picked up on was my super sensitivity. She said that I’m extremely intuitive and clairvoyant, I have the gifted healer marker, intuitive stars, and line of clairvoyance… and that my life purpose is to become a Spiritual Teacher.
    So although it doesn’t surprise me that I am this way, I do feel alone and isolated at times… I love myself and my own company, but I’ve grown up being super understanding and wise for my age… and I get tired of it sometimes… 🙁

    @205- Femm

    Aww, this made me feel so cherished. Thankyou <3 I am committing to loving myself and trying to remain true to what Mali needs, too… I just wish Mali didn't feel so differently to the majority of people her age… Nadia Tumas, who read my hand, told me that the feelings that I have of being so different to other people, and the difficulties I face in relation to others and managing my intuition and sensitivity will definitely benefit me when I am much older… *sigh*… Loving me, and breathing through it…

  384.  #384Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    Hi Daria!

  385.  #385Daria on January 16, 2012 at 10:14 pm

    Flowerchild –

    it feels scary to offer this… i have some tweaks for you… i think you might get a much better result with some tweaks of Rori’s tools to lean back in conversation

    “‘Good Morning and how are you?’

    Me: I feel very lonely and I don’t want to feel that way with you.

    Him: Silence

    Me: Are you there?

    [here’s where the *Problem* happens and the energy shifts. you are taking on the masculine role by asking this]

    Him: Yeah, I’m here. (in a disgusted tone and then more silence)

    Me: Do you understand what I’m trying to say?

    {more masculine overfunctioning stuff}

    if you lean way back into that intial silence… you are where youre supposed to be.. .and the magic can happen.

    another thing –

    i didnt notice any appreciation to his greeting of good morning – “thank you” works well…

    rori really emphasizes to appreciate EVERYTHING he does for us, even small things like this – very important to intimacy

  386.  #386Daria on January 16, 2012 at 10:14 pm


  387.  #387Daria on January 16, 2012 at 10:15 pm

    Hi Emerson!

  388.  #388Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    Hello all sirens…wow lots of good stuff on the blog and it’s so swift…I feel like I have missed out on a few episodes of a series…I must try to catch up this week!!!!! Good stuff.

    I’ve been in transition…slowly..trying to invent the next chapter of my life with my work…it’s scary.

    I’m excited though..

    Also have a new CD that I’ve talked to on email and not met in person yet…and he sounds very interesting. I practiced using feeling messages alot and wow!!!! He has really really responded well. It’s so amazing ladies! It really is.

    I was being all gushy and poetic about the landscape in a photo we were talking about (he sent to me) and he replied all gushy at me back! But it was toward me not the photo! Hee hee! I loved it and it made my day today. I havent written back yet, just relishing the nice email.

  389.  #389Silver Moonbeam on January 16, 2012 at 10:17 pm

    #74 Brenda

    You are an outstanding daughter my dear. 🙂

  390.  #390Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 10:19 pm

    Sirens…Can you help me with some words re: my post 370 😯 I get writers block sometimes!!!

    This is regarding an email from another CD that I have met in person…hmm what shall I call him?? GreenCD.

    The other one I just mentioned I don’t have a name for yet. 🙄

  391.  #391Nicole on January 16, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    Yuck yuck yuckyyy, I feel VERY yucky. And feel guilty for sharing this, it feels like I should run and hide and keep my angry nasty feelings to myself. I feel triggered and alil scared, I feel like I’m peeling a layer of myself up and it feels yucky to feel open and it feels wrong and I feel guilty, I feel so negative

  392.  #392Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    Brenda, I have skimmed thru your posts and I know you are growing and inspiring others along the way. And you look great in your photo, it looks very youthful, I have a feeling you are one of those women who look young forever!! 😀

    I am sending hugs your way and much love and hoping you have a great week. I don’t have any advice, but I think it was Tinque who said to me that having great gift of intuition also allows to bring deep healing…something like that…
    I can be very intuitive as well and I tend to take on emotions very easily, like a sponge, so I have to be careful but at the same time I have to be true to myself and that is how God made me…And I don’t fight it as much anymore…I don’t know if that helps…but I can relate to you kinda, and I’ve been that way since a young age.

  393.  #393Silver Moonbeam on January 16, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    I found those Tony Robbins videos posted by LG very enlightening. I don’t suffer from depression myself but do have bad or sad days here and there and can now see it is not the sadness “itself” pulling me down into that crazy 8 but my own thoughts, of course I have read about this before but seeing it on the video was sooo powerful and the change in Taaneh (sp?) was amazing. Oh and I love the way TR talks about the masculine and feminine. 🙂

    So thank you once again Laughing Goddess.

  394.  #394Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    Mali also I like reading your posts and what you have to say…thank you for that.. hugs
    Emerson 😀

  395.  #395Nicole on January 16, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    Wow Emerson that feels good to hear and I feel alil jealous I’m sorry and I feel hopeful

  396.  #396Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    Thanks Nicole, sorry you are feeling yucky. 🙁
    It’s hard peeling away the layers, I’m still doing it…every day lil by lil…it’s ok you can love your yucky feelings and love yourself

  397.  #397Starla on January 16, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    Awwww hehe you all have made me feel really heard about my mother, thank you!!

  398.  #398Silver Moonbeam on January 16, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    #104 Flowerchild

    Awww you poor thing, that must have been just awful. {{{{ HUGS }}}}

  399.  #399Nicole on January 16, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    It feels hard to love them.. and I feel whinny and guilty and broken.. and I don’t understand how to love them and myself .. sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.. it feels scary and I feel so confused and so stuck and I feel so sad and I feel triggered to judge myself ugh such yucky thoughts of myself

  400.  #400Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    I’m scared to write this,

    I had a dream the other night that I came face to face with Recycled’s ex wife and I felt strange and guilty and very self-conscious…she is a power broker successful woman and I felt scared of her….we were at a bank and she was helping us (I was with a male friend).

    But in my dream, she was likeable and nice at the same time. I thought she was pretty and personable and I even thought “hey she could be my friend.”

    As I sat there, I felt akward and panicky and I felt bad about being with Recycled during their divorce drama. I was wondering in my dream about if she knows who I am???

    I don’t know if she did, but the man that was with me said in my draem when we left…WOW there is some kind of connection to the two of you ladies isnt there?? That was intense! What is it? I thought I had played it “cool” in there!!

    And it made me think of how men are so intuitive and their radare is subconsciously tuned into where we are emotionally, it was weird.

    Anyway, that was my dream. Susan, et al, analyze away if you wish.

  401.  #401Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    Nicole I have tried one of Femininewoman’s suggestions to repeat this sentence to myself
    “I profoundly and deeply love and accept myself”

    Say something along those lines…I tried it a few times and said it over and over, not sure if it would work, but it did help.

    Sometimes I have so much in my head I just need that simple line to say tomyself. And also I dont know if you are religious, but I also remind myself that God made me and he loves and accepts me too. So I can for sure.

  402.  #402Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 10:43 pm

    Nicole it’s ok to feel whiney and broken, I feel like that sometimes too. It will pass…sink into the feeling and really get in touch with how you are feeling on the inside…empty? sad? mad? lonely? and the feeling will pass eventually and not have power over you…

  403.  #403Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 10:45 pm

    re: 104 (((Flowerchild)))
    hugs hugs hugs

  404.  #404Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    OMG, I will call him emailCD…
    well emailCD signed his email with “hugs and kisses”!!
    how cute!! OMG and he was gushing how he likes my name and it’s unique, blah blah blah on and on! I love reading his note I’m such a dork. 🙂

  405.  #405Emerson on January 16, 2012 at 10:49 pm

    oh and I met emailCD online! ok done spamming the blog now ladies…good night from the West Coast!

  406.  #406Daria on January 16, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    im feeling dissapointed about 2 things with Lover CD

    i feel kinda turned off and bored and disappointed

    i dont want to feel sexually pressured

    i feel good that he wants to have sex with me and is moving it forward

    i dotn want to be touched kinda rushedly and

    i dont want to be asked for head or to please a man

    i want it to be all about pleasing me

    i feel turned off and kinda bored

    i feel sad

    i love me

  407.  #407Starla on January 16, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    Hi Nicole, it feels good to see you identifying all your feelings.
    I feel inspired to keep noticing mine. Thank you.

  408.  #408Starla on January 16, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    Thank you Starla for buying me chicken fingers (yum!) for dinner
    Thank you for not drinking a beer even though my friend wanted me to…I don’t really like drinking all that much and need to be in the mood for it, but people don’t understand it.
    Thank you for washing and conditioning and drying my hair
    thank you for exfoliating my skin
    thank you for moisturizing my skin
    thank you for brushing my teeth
    thank you for taking time for just me
    thank you for ending this posting madness and going to bed instead of posting into the wee hours

  409.  #409Silver-Tongued Siren on January 16, 2012 at 11:20 pm

    Daria :

    “rori really emphasizes to appreciate EVERYTHING he does for us, even small things like this – very important to intimacy”

    yay, love this reminder!

  410.  #410mali on January 16, 2012 at 11:22 pm

    @ Emerson- 392 and 394

    Thankyou, love 🙂 I feel like I’m not alone… it really helps for me to know that there are people who experience the same feeling and/or are similar to me in nature… I just feel isolated sometimes, you know? For me, in interacting with people, I crave to feel a connection with people… it always makes me wonder when people can hang out with others just to exchange small talk. I don’t like it myself…

    And I feel so touched to read that you like my post. Feeling all warm- thankyou!

    I just watched Gossip Girl, and was crying… feel better after the release!

  411.  #411Nicole on January 16, 2012 at 11:31 pm

    Thank you, emerson and starla. It feels good to feel open and to share my feelings

  412.  #412Nicole on January 16, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    I feel curious how to add a pic or icon up on here

  413.  #413mali on January 16, 2012 at 11:49 pm

    Nicole, if you go to, you can create an account and add a gravatar 🙂

  414.  #414Nicole on January 17, 2012 at 12:00 am

    Thanx And How do I add it here ??

  415.  #415Silver Moonbeam on January 17, 2012 at 12:00 am

    #410 Mali

    I am supersensitive myself (though not clairvoyant) and always have been even as a child. You are a lot more intuitive and self aware about it than I ever was which is great to have that self knowledge at your age. And I do know what you mean about the small talk, I find it very difficult to do, and have no interest in Big Brother, Celeb Get Me Out Of The Jungle, TOWIE etc. lol!!

    Sometimes when I hear the “small talk” I feel so outside of the conversation I feel like an observer almost, like I am on the outside looking into a fishbowl.

    I would sooner talk about more spiritual things which can be a lonely road to travel. I think Brenda has this talk time down pat with R which is probably why she finds it so hard to let him go. It feels sooo good when we connect with people on a deeper level.

    You are SOOO lucky to have found Rori and Siren Island at your age, just think how many years you have ahead of you to practise and to put into place all this wisdom and knowledge. 😀

    When I was 21 I was married with 2 children (!!! how mental is that!!) I wonder how differently my life would have turned out if I knew then what I know now?

    p.s. I miss your pretty picture. 🙂

  416.  #416Silver Moonbeam on January 17, 2012 at 12:47 am

    #414 Nicole

    If you create an account in Gravatar using the same email address as on here then add your pic it will show up on all your posts on here, (as well as any other blogs you are signed into with the same email address.)

    For myself I created a new g mail account before I logged onto Gravatar as it will “follow” you if you know what I mean.

  417.  #417Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 12:49 am


    Re: #365 – Thanks so much for all your help again tonight. My goal wasn’t so much to build him up this time as to get him to acknowledge the part of our relationship that he denies exists.

    But I’ll let it go. I just feel like it keeps us from connecting. Hard to explain.

  418.  #418Silver Moonbeam on January 17, 2012 at 12:51 am

    You have more harmony points with every person on the planet than you have disharmony points, because there is much more of you that is in harmony with your Core than you realize or that most of you allow.

    The closer you come to being in harmony with your Source Energy, the more in harmony you are with each other.

    When you think about other people and what they think of you, do you understand that what they think of you has very little to do with what you are?

    It has mostly to do with the habits of thought that they have developed.

    It has more to do with them as thinkers than it does with you as the subject of their thought.

    If nothing is more important to you than that you feel good, you can form a fantasy about someone who is in your life and they will begin to modify to meet your fantasy, because Law of Attraction is a very powerful thing.

    — Abraham —

  419.  #419Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 12:51 am

    Silver Moonbeam (and Mali),

    RE: #415 – “I would sooner talk about more spiritual things which can be a lonely road to travel. I think Brenda has this talk time down pat with R which is probably why she finds it so hard to let him go. It feels sooo good when we connect with people on a deeper level.”

    You are right!

  420.  #420Silver Moonbeam on January 17, 2012 at 12:53 am


    I loved your “story” reading it this morning of you and Yummy (ex) and your two lovely girls and your lovely house and I am oh so wishing you can all get into alignment and be a happy family once more, that would be the best story to read. 🙂

  421.  #421Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 12:53 am


    RE: #419 – Interesting! Makes sense!

  422.  #422Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 12:56 am


    RE: #392 – You said, “Brenda, I have skimmed thru your posts and I know you are growing and inspiring others along the way. And you look great in your photo, it looks very youthful, I have a feeling you are one of those women who look young forever!! :D”

    How sweet! Thank you! Yes, I feel blessed! Now if I could just get the weight off, then I could enjoy my youthful looks better. It seems each day I start off good. Then my emotional state leads me to overeating by the end of the day.

  423.  #423Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:01 am


    RE: #74 Brenda

    You are an outstanding daughter my dear. 🙂

    Thank you!

  424.  #424Silver Moonbeam on January 17, 2012 at 1:01 am

    I just googled Tony Robbins and found out he is coming to London in May for a weekend seminar, the cheapest ticket is £695, as much as I would love to go I really can’t afford that kind of money. 🙁

    Maybe I should manifest some £ £ £ £ £ coming into my life. 😀

  425.  #425Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:02 am


    RE: #377 – You asked, “Brenda have you tried writing any scripts and using primarily “feeling messages” to share what’s going on with you??”

    Yes, on the blog, almost every day. And then other times I just express what is inside me.

  426.  #426R.N.AmazingMe on January 17, 2012 at 1:02 am

    Brenda If you don’t mind I feel I want to share with you what it looks and sounds like on the outside looking in with this convo and with many other of Ryan’s responses…This is healing for me because like I said I am on the outside looking in and it is showing me what I am doing like you said it went like this…:

    R: I’m doing pretty good. I had a pretty good day so far.

    B: Good!

    R: How are you doing?

    B: I’ve been feeling kind of lonely today.

    R: Do you know why?

    B: I’m just thinking about how I’ve had probably less than 10 real dates in my life. I’m just really missing you.

    R: Oh

    B: I know, that’s not cool to say. But that’s how I feel.

    R: It’s fine.

    B: I’m not made of steel. I’m not made of stone.

    R: Not too many of us are.

    B: Yeah. I checked out the local bar tonight for the first time. There were hardly any people there, but it seem like a nice place.

    R: Cool

    It is his answers….I mean it seems like they are so basic and one word answers, like only because you reached out to text he is answering. You start and he ends convo or you apologize for taking his time!!! No….no….no….. Don’t be mad at me but this is triggering me because I do this!

  427.  #427Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:04 am


    RE: #426 – And I am a learner. And I notice this but don’t know how to alter it. What should I do differently?

  428.  #428Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:06 am

    Silver Moonbeam,

    RE: #424 – Tony Robbins is very inspiring. Could you make payments on one of his CD programs?

  429.  #429Daria on January 17, 2012 at 1:07 am

    “If nothing is more important to you than that you feel good, you can form a fantasy about someone who is in your life and they will begin to modify to meet your fantasy, because Law of Attraction is a very powerful thing. “

  430.  #430R.N.AmazingMe on January 17, 2012 at 1:07 am

    Gosh it makes me angry like he shows no desire, Make him miss you and work for your attention and if he doesnt you will know what to do. I mean it is just so obvious he knows and so does everyone else knows that you have Ryan on this throan feeding him grapes…GIRL!!! You are a queen knock him outta that throan take his crown and make him feel the need, desire, and want to take his throan back!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow…sorry that felt good….phewwww

  431.  #431R.N.AmazingMe on January 17, 2012 at 1:10 am

    A good place to start is make it known you come first not Ryan. So like wow cannot believe I am advising on this I am in no place but it is really fun and a learning experince…ok so….Hang on I am going to see if I can go in and alter this convo of yours from earlier…

  432.  #432Daria on January 17, 2012 at 1:11 am

    Brenda –

    R: I’m doing pretty good. I had a pretty good day so far.

    B: Good!

    R: How are you doing?

    B: I’ve been feeling kind of lonely today.

    R: Do you know why?

    B: I’m just thinking about how I’ve had probably less than 10 real dates in my life. I’m just really missing you.

    R: Oh

    B: I know, that’s not cool to say. But that’s how I feel.

    [id say the disconnect happens here. this is not a feeling message and it feels uncomfortable (to me) to read… its like not voting for self]

    instead, i would stop texting here. when a man says just “oh” i personally always stop until he picks up the convo again – toher wise i feel like im leaning forward to keep up the convo…

  433.  #433Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:12 am

    Silver Moonbeam,

    RE: #373 – “Spot on Brenda. :D”

    LOL! Didn’t you just divorce the last year or so?

  434.  #434Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:16 am


    RE: #432 – Thank you. That helps.

  435.  #435R.N.AmazingMe on January 17, 2012 at 1:16 am

    Ok first I would lean back and see how much he has to say….but here we go….

    : I’m doing pretty good. I had a pretty good day so far.

    B: Good!

    R: How are you doing?

    B: I’ve been feeling kind of lonely today.

    R: Do you know why?

    B: I’m just thinking about how I’ve had probably less than 10 real dates in my life. I’m just really missing you. (((((VULNERABLE IS OK BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH INFO FOR A MAN)))))))

    R: Oh(((((RED FLLLAAGGGGG)))..,OH and that is all he says about it drop it and let him say something next

    B: I know, that’s not cool to say. But that’s how I feel.

    R: It’s fine.

    B: I’m not made of steel. I’m not made of stone.

    R: Not too many of us are.

    B: Yeah. I checked out the local bar tonight for the first time. There were hardly any people there, but it seem like a nice place.

    R: Cool (((He seems he is not in this convo like he is just answering you.

    I am so proud of me to be able to break this down and now I can help myself too….i just really am looking in a mirror with you Brenda…wow

  436.  #436Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:17 am


    RE: #431 – I appreciate that. Tweaking really helps me.

  437.  #437R.N.AmazingMe on January 17, 2012 at 1:21 am

    I appreciate u letting me learn with you 🙂

  438.  #438R.N.AmazingMe on January 17, 2012 at 1:24 am

    I had C on a throan and lets just say overtime I realized the throan is not meant to seat two so I politely took my seat back, leaned back looking sexy as ever enjoying my life with the view of many men trying to impress me 🙂

  439.  #439Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:27 am


    RE: #435 – Sometimes I get in a mood where my loneliness is just about unbearable. I was there all day yesterday. I hate when I am like that, because I just can’t stay out of trouble with him. I just AM vulnerable. Like a very raw part of my heart opens and has to be expressed.

  440.  #440Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:28 am


    RE: #438 – What is a C and what is a throan?

  441.  #441Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:30 am


    RE: #430 – Ok, I just saw this one. You mean Throne.

    Yeah, I know. And yet he pulls me around by my heartstrings, as much as I try to take my heart back. He’s got me like that song “Killing me softly with his love.”

    I feel stuck. Ugh.

  442.  #442Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:31 am

    438 – Now I get it.

  443.  #443R.N.AmazingMe on January 17, 2012 at 1:34 am

    Sorry C is my mancrack….a throan is just a word I am using for like a pedastal. You belong up there we all owe it to ourselves to hold ourselves there. I so understand The lonliness and need for that affection and that attention…but when u feel that way think of how the conversation will turn out. Do you often feel better like did u feel ok with that convo from earlier between the two of u?

  444.  #444Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:36 am

    My fundamental problems are that I am so lonely I can’t stand it, and that I feel connected with Ryan like no one else. He is my Soul Mate.

    Isn’t it natural to long for your Soul Mate?

  445.  #445Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:37 am


    RE: #443 – Yeah, it ends bad. If I had kept my loneliness to myself, we might have had a long conversation. Ugh.

  446.  #446R.N.AmazingMe on January 17, 2012 at 1:38 am

    gosh why is it so much easier to do when it’s not you…..I want the strength to stick to this way of thinking

  447.  #447Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:39 am


    RE: #414 – If you add a photo to, it will automatically show up here.

  448.  #448R.N.AmazingMe on January 17, 2012 at 1:42 am

    Of course it’s natural when in my heart I believe in that. I believe wanting to hang on to that is normal which is why I still think about C everyday of my life. The problem is if its not reciprocated we have to establish a boundry in there

  449.  #449Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:44 am


    RE: #446 – I want the strength to stop it, too. Loneliness is a powerful, painful need.

    I was just texting with Ryan a little bit while we were posting back and forth. It fizzled out once again, for no particular reason, and I feel so tempted to just try to keep it going.

    Of course I am resisting in the face of all we are discussing. But I feel weak to think that if it were not for our current conversation, I’d probably be trying to keep it going.

    I just love talking with him, and I just can’t make it happen. Only he can.

    It seemed so beautiful and effortless when he came here overnight on New Year’s Day. When we connect so beautifully, I just want to have him here again and again and again!!

    Yet he hasn’t been back, and it’s been two weeks now. And everything in me wants to make it happen. It is so, so hard to know the only “remedy” is to simply not do anything. Ugh.

  450.  #450Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 1:45 am


    RE: #448 – Yeah.

  451.  #451R.N.AmazingMe on January 17, 2012 at 1:51 am

    @449 but see that is just it, like I believe Rori says let go of the need to control because u want it so bad. I thought I would never be able to leave C alone but I knew and or know I cannot control him just my actions…C and I have fizzled many times I went almost a year or so no contact…it is hard but the best thing I could do is focus onme and my actions

  452.  #452R.N.AmazingMe on January 17, 2012 at 1:56 am

    I am right there with you LONELY as heckkk!!!! All I want from him is a huge hug and some kissing and cuddling. The way I see it though when a man wants something he persues it

  453.  #453Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 2:02 am


    RE: #452 – I know. Me too.

    Yet when I get in these especially needy and lonely moods, it just feels right and natural to tell the man I love the most…Hey, I’m lonely! It feels frustrating that it only makes him withdraw.

    Going to cuddle with my kitties and puppies. Thanks for keeping me company! Ugh, it’s 5 am.

  454.  #454R.N.AmazingMe on January 17, 2012 at 2:12 am

    Lol yes it is and I am getting my kiddos up at 6 am for school so I am glad I am off today …I had a blast sharing with you I only talk about C here so it’s nices Thanks 🙂

  455.  #455Silver Moonbeam on January 17, 2012 at 2:15 am

    #433 Brenda

    Nooo I have been divorced 8 or 9 years now, my anniversary is coming up soon, February 14th – that’s Valentine’s Day when I get to see how much I really must have loved myself to get rid of my ex husband. 😀

  456.  #456mali on January 17, 2012 at 2:15 am

    Silver Moonbeam: Oh, I feel so connected to you, and I feel so warm!

    As for the Goldfish scenario- completely relate… but I’m realising that I’m contributing to feeling isolated, too… I don’t actively try to participate, for fear that they might think me strange. But that most likely shows up as resistance, and I appear less open, and that’s due to my fear of being rejected; of being labelled as weird and “different”… So I’m trying to work on this. Let’s see…

    And I miss the pic too hee hee! (Feel so touched reading that!)
    I changed it because I was worried CDs may find me on here, see the pic, and realise who I am. But ofcourse my riffing and insecurities are part of me, so surely it would attract my beloved further, for who I am at my core?
    But then, I’m a jewel. And only those who are privileged, do I allow to see me in all of my beauty. Hmm… I’ll see how I feel…

    Also, the Tony Robbins seminar!! I paid about £550 for this, and I’m well in my overdraft as a result, but it’s SO worth it… I just didn’t want to miss it, and I’m so excited!! (Now just to find cheap accommodation in London for its duration *gulp* fingers crossed…)
    If you do find you have the funds, do let me know, and maybe we could team up and go together =)

  457.  #457Silver Moonbeam on January 17, 2012 at 2:21 am

    #439 Brenda

    Did you watch the Tony Robbins intervention video’s yet? They MAY help you to get out of these lonely funks……….

  458.  #458Aurora Girl on January 17, 2012 at 2:43 am

    Good morning Chickies

    long night again….my children all have the flu…..sleepless night with number 2 and 3…..feeling resigned to riding this out….focusing on my intention for wellbeing…….

    I mentioned to my LD that all are not well here this week……

    he is coming anyway….

    what a gem.

    Thinking of you all today…..likely won`t post much….catching up on work and rest if I can….

    sending love and good vibes…


  459.  #459crystal eyes on January 17, 2012 at 3:53 am

    “Pulling Flack” is what my son decided at 7 years to call ” bad attention”.

    At the time he was referring to our large dog who was forever stealing shoes and cushions and running past us teasingly shaking them just out of reach …trying to get “attention” while all of us yelled, chastised, laughed and LOVED him for his naughty fool proof method of stealing the show..

    My son said “bad attention” meant doing something bad and trying to get love and pats…hmmmmmmm.

    I am teasing a man right now , dangling possibilities in front of him and making him jump a few hoops to get them …I dont know if thats looking for love exactly , but s few “pats” would be nice 🙂

  460.  #460Sweetpea on January 17, 2012 at 4:12 am

    I listened to something about recreating relationships that resemble the one we had with the parent we feel least loved by. I already knew this, but now I’m feeling this almost uncontrollable urge to run away from MM. I feel nauseous. And teary. And friggin’ petrified.

    It’s taking almost every ounce of strength I have right now to not text him or email him or do something and tell him I’m done. Holy crap this sucks!

  461.  #461Sweetpea on January 17, 2012 at 4:16 am

    Is there something funky going on with the planets right now or something? I thought this was all but healed and now I feel more scared of it than I think I ever have in my life before now.

    Omg! What the —- is going on with me?

  462.  #462Claire on January 17, 2012 at 4:26 am

    Hi Rori,

    I’m a 46 year old woman who’s been divorced a year with a 17 year old autistic boy. A year ago, I found my old high school crush and we are in contact with each other now. He gave me his phone number right away and frequently tells me to call him anytime I want. Back in school, I was naive, extremely shy and nervous around him and he knew I liked him but responded to me very sweetly with a little flirting and gentle, good natured teasing. He also would always stick up for me whenever someone would bully or pick on me. At times, he would put his arm around me or hold me for a moment. Through the years, I would bump into him once in a great while.

    I saw him for the first time in 28 years last January and he greeted me with a kiss and a hug while we were with a group of friends out for bowling and pizza. Since then I see him here and there as he plays in bands and he shows me a lot of affection and attention, pays me compliments and has told me he likes me. We talk on the phone occasionally and I force myself not to call him even though he sometimes reminds me to call him anytime I want. I have called him about once per month to stay in touch. He’s very good about returning calls too, I noticed. He does not pursue me as a girlfriend, although I see he is slightly nervous around me. A friend of mine says seeing me again is a major mind trip for him because she thinks he may have feelings for me and he is not used to seeing me as a woman and not the shy teenage girl I was back then. My friend also thinks he doesn’t know what to do with his feelings or the “new” me who is no longer shy and insecure anymore.

    Some of the time I’ve been with him, he keeps saying how “weird” this is that we are in touch but he likes it. From what I’ve read here on your website, I agree that a woman shouldn’t chase a man and I certainly don’t want to chase him. I think he should chase me. I really would like to get to know him better, the person he is inside as I was too shy to do it back in high school – I was too nervous to look at him or even talk to him! Even if all we ever will be to each other is friends, he is still very special to me and I genuinely like him for his caring and compassionate heart. He also works as a CNA.

    What are your thoughts on this and what is your advice on the phone call situation – to call or not to call. I appreciate any help you can give me. Thank you.


  463.  #463Sweetpea on January 17, 2012 at 4:45 am

    Whew! I’m glad that storm passed through quickly. This has to be the only hour of silence the blog’s experienced in at least a week.

    Finally – ready to get some sleep. I should be getting up now, but, since I’m still not completely over this cold, I’m gonna slack off and sleep as long as I can.

    Have a great day ladies!

  464.  #464Turquoise on January 17, 2012 at 4:56 am

    Thanks Emerson…. it would feel nice if it all fell into place and worked out. It’s what I want. But, if it’s not what he wants, I’m learning to love myself enough to not have him. I’ll keep you posted on what happens. He doesn’t really like talking on the phone, started back to work today (at the Pentagon) has a stressful/time consuming job….. so I may not hear much from him until it’s time for him to come back up and visit the girls. And, I’m ok with that too. If a man isn’t right in front of me, not going to think about him. 🙂 Although, must admit that is hard here on the blog because so many different posts remind me of times with him.

    Emerson, thank you, my girls are sweethearts and I love them to pieces. One of the best parts of having a child…. never lonely. I mean, sure… gets lonely for a man sometimes, but not something I ever focus on. They keep me busy, moving, laughing… I love being their mother. I think your post back about your weekly schedule sounded good!

    Starla, I didn’t know you had pink hair!! I love it, and wish I were that brave 🙂

    Emmie, take a deep breath and take it day by day. You’ll be ok, and as I’ve said before… a little distance can be your best friend! You’ll be ok.

    I’d love to stay and chat, but I have to get to work and my little one to school.

    Have a beautiful day sirens!!!! Make it great!

  465.  #465Turquoise on January 17, 2012 at 5:01 am

    Awww Sweetpea, I’m not sure what to say….. I’m glad the storm has passed and you didn’t reach out and break up with that man! Sometimes our minds just go into overdrive and our emotions surge ahead. I hope you can get some rest and feel better soon.

    One thing I’d say, all relationships can change and improve. My mother and I sure have come a long way…. is it possible to improve the parental relationship? If so, then can you improve the romantic relationship that follows that? I’m not saying yours does, but just asking if you think in that scenario… is it something that can be improved, or doomed to fail? I would like to think anything can be improved.

    Team Stop Procrastinating….. I was doing great this morning, more laundry, put away the dishes, and was going to do a quick 20 min. workout, but I sat down here to read the blog, and now I don’t have time. Hmm… well, I’ll have to fit it in later.

  466.  #466T-Girl on January 17, 2012 at 5:02 am

    Brenda – can you try and let go of the mind set that he is testing you or manipulating you? I don’t see any manipulation on his part, but in a way I do see it on yours.

  467.  #467Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 5:18 am

    Silver Moonbeam,

    RE: #457 – Some of it I have seen. I want to revisit it.

  468.  #468Brenda on January 17, 2012 at 5:20 am

    Silver Moonbeam,

    RE: #455 – Wow! I married Kenny on Feb 13th…which was also the day we met! I have been divorced since 2006.

  469.  #469Femininewoman on January 17, 2012 at 6:02 am

    Turquoise I have read from a coach that sometimes men say the opposite of what they want. Some others say that men don’t know what they want. Only when they see it in front of them then they know. I believe you doing the best you can by working on your emotional maturity and interacting as a mature adult with him as well as being feminine. You can only do your best and let the chips fall where they may. They have their own fears and issues that they have to choose to get over.

  470.  #470Femininewoman on January 17, 2012 at 6:13 am

    Hi Claire,

    I believe your words he does not pursue me as girlfriend is your own answer to yourself. It seems to me that you can ask him for help if you need some around house for instance or with your car. Has he ever asked you out on a romantic date or said anything about being together as a couple? Those things will give you an indication of what he wants. Until then I believe you could treat him as a friend. If you find yourself developing feelings for him, as this is a friend from school maybe you could say something about how you feel when around him. If the feelings are intense then maybe I would lean totally back if I am reaching out to him to get something in return. Or maybe just begin complimenting things you admire about him, like his dress taste, his tie, his watch and see how he responds or if he tries to move things along. He might be just waiting for a signal from you that he would not be rejected if he tried to take things to the next level. Sharing your feelings with him openly about your life in general could help him to start looking at you and responding to you differently. I have a childhood friend in my life who that has happened with us. I compliment him, but not his physical body.

  471.  #471Lolita on January 17, 2012 at 6:26 am

    I just want to say that I observed something really great about Level 2 listening the other day. There was a woman and man sitting at a table next to me. The man was partly back to me so I couldn’t see most of his face. He was talking and gesturing and leaning forward to the woman. The woman had her elbow on the table with her head resting in her hand sort of sideways. What I thought was incredible, is that just by watching the way her eyes danced on his face, and her eyes were sometimes shining and expressive, you could almost know all the conversation through her although I couldn’t hear a thing because of the noisy environment. It made her beautiful that she was so totally present and expressive and open. Just thought it would be nice to share this with you Sirens.

  472.  #472Lolita on January 17, 2012 at 6:48 am

    I feel like a Siren again today.

  473.  #473Jilly on January 17, 2012 at 6:49 am

    Lolita…I loved that story in 271…thanks for sharing that!! 🙂

  474.  #474Femininewoman on January 17, 2012 at 7:05 am

    I was just rereading Rori’s article above and am seeing a subtle innuendo. Is it that “attention” is equal to love? Do we seek attention because we want to feel loved and that is the reason why we lean forward? Or do we assume that just because someone is showing us some attention he is in love? Is that the reason we create imaginary relationships even when the men are not telling us that I am in love with you? Then again there are those men who don’t talk love but they give a lot of attention to doing the things that make us feel loved.

  475.  #475Jilly on January 17, 2012 at 7:13 am

    ooops….i meant 471 🙂

  476.  #476Silver Moonbeam on January 17, 2012 at 7:19 am

    Tony Robbins intervention with Beverley and her weight loss.

    I will re-visit this as I want to lose some weight and am trying to motivate myself to eat in a healthier way and join the local gym.

  477.  #477Silver Moonbeam on January 17, 2012 at 7:29 am

    #456 Mali

    Thank you I feel all warm and glowy too now. 🙂

    Have you tried finding a local group to meet with like minded people so you can satisfy the more spiritual part of yourself and talk with others?

    There is meetup where I think T-girl met her man

    Spice UK

    and City Socialising (just change the city name)

    There seem to be all kinds of groups and events and meets with all 3, I have only just moved about 4 weeks ago so when I am a bit more settled I plan on seeking a like minded group out. I did try in my previous home to find and join a meditation/sprititual group but it just turned out to be 8 people sitting in a church hall in the dark listening to Tibetan gong music when I was looking for more interaction. 🙁

  478.  #478Femininewoman on January 17, 2012 at 7:33 am

    5. Trying to heal yourself inside by “conquering” instead of loving.

    If you don’t like the way you feel, or the way you acted, or what you said, or what you thought…it will hold you back.

    If you rag on yourself – what’s out there will rag on you, too…because, really – that’s your choice!

    Mistakes are part of the process.

    You cannot discover anything new or get anywhere new without making mistakes. You have to feel your way through each step along the way

    You have no choice here but to love what you feel, the way you act, what you say, what you think…and then to make DIFFERENT choices in the next moment.

    Blame is so useless and worthless – and yet, along with shame and guilt, blame runs us from the inside.

    Make it your business to become aware of how blame, shame and guilt are operating inside you and making you do and say what you do and say on the outside.

    And instead of blaming, shaming and guilting yourself even more for what happened, what you did and said and everything else – including how you feel – instead of trying to conquer all that…just love it as it is.

    Accept how it happened. It happened. Don’t try to undo what’s been done – instead – focus on being AWARE of what happened, how you felt, what’s going on with you, and love the idea of undoing the pattern that makes things repeat themselves.

    Be a detective of you. Don’t judge yourself – you can’t learn if you judge.

    Free yourself up to take a new step in a different direction.

    To experiment.

    Try something new.

    Love it all just because it’s the best choice to make, the most freeing choice.

    If “forgiveness” needs to come first bef