Is The Right Relationship EASY?

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If your relationship isn’t easy, that’s a really good indication that it’s not right”

This is straight from Evan Marc Katz – and a comment from Emerson said how unrealistic this is – and I wanted to write about it:

The ONLY thing that gets in the way of a relationship being easy is our own stuff.

Our own fears of intimacy that keep trying to derail love.

Where we actually don’t FEEL it for a great man who loves us, where we try to create obstacles, where we shut down, where we want more (or less, or different…)

Where a man has stuff going on (moods, sexual issues, etc..) and WE’RE making it about US and are afraid to talk about it with him.

The truth is – and every one of my relationship coach friends says the same thing from their own marriages and client’s experiences: With the right man – – it’s easy.

And – to help more – WHY is it easy?

Because the “right man” has a simple equation. His love for you and desire to make you happy and keep the relationship going strong is MORE important to him than his own comfort zone.

He’d rather be embarrassed about his mistakes and “issues” than lose you or have the relationship decline and you be unhappy.

He’d rather talk through stuff (and he’s able to do that) and work through stuff and make discoveries and changes than watch you be unhappy and frustrated and lose the relationship.

It’s really simple. To Mr. Right: YOU are GREATER THAN his concerns about him.

Your happiness = his happiness

On a day-to-day level, it might not look like this. On some days, his personal pain, fear and issues may block his love and he may run.

Same for you – you may not receive his love when he gives it because you’re feeling angry and resentful and stuffed feelings down – and you may block him in other ways (by focusing on men or other things “out there”).

But when push-comes-to-shove – with Mr. Right – you KNOW he’s going to come through. You KNOW he loves you. You KNOW – because of the collection of all his ACTIONS in your relationship over time – that he’s going to put the relationship ahead of his issues and you’re going to be able to work through ANYTHING.

Therefore – the “working through” may not be easy because it requires US looking inside and exposing ourselves and rising above our OWN defenses and comfort level!

But the RELATIONSHIP is EASY.

Love, Rori

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554 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on October 31, 2011 at 7:39 am

    I know it is easy.



  2.  #2R.N.AmazingMe on October 31, 2011 at 7:42 am

    Yay I made second :))



  3.  #3VW on October 31, 2011 at 7:45 am

    What a great timing Rori! yes, with the right man…it is easy…and i sure believe it!

    lately, i notice to have less stuff…and yet, the guys i date bring out their stuff…which does not make them right for me…

    i feel good for having practiced vulnerability…and yet, still standing by my boundaries…soft on the outside…strong on the inside…

    the overall feeling is good this morning…

    back to square one…but it is a good square one…i feel stronger…and i permit myself to feel good for not knowing everything…i have an exciting life because of it…yay…me 🙂

    warm hugs,



  4.  #4Emoticon on October 31, 2011 at 7:57 am

    Ahhhh will I ever be #1



  5.  #5Emoticon on October 31, 2011 at 8:10 am

    I’ve found someone who makes it easy for me. He def steps out of his comfort zone and it even makes me feel uncomfortable but then it actually makes me feel more secure.



  6.  #6Patricia on October 31, 2011 at 8:18 am

    Learning this is the hardest thing for some of us..I learned this completely the opposite and have now had to relearn it…wheeww. I still try to work too hard and figure things out..with the right man..there’s no figuring it out; it just IS =)



  7.  #7Camille on October 31, 2011 at 8:34 am

    Patricia,
    I concur! It has been quite a journey for me to quit “doing” but now I love it. And my days are easier on so many levels. I still catch myself, trying to work something out or “over-doing” but when Im the “Siren” it seems its easier for everyone involved and I feel like they are doing all the work. Love it.



  8.  #8Starla on October 31, 2011 at 8:48 am

    I believe this. I used to not. But thank all my angels, I experience it on a daily basis. When things get rough…it’s ME in the way of myself. I am growing and learning so much. My heart is just bursting with love for myself and spilling over on to him.



  9.  #9marina on October 31, 2011 at 8:51 am

    Hello dear Sirens!

    Wow, interesting.
    I think I can relate to it.
    The only guy I had that feeling with, was FestivalGuy.

    I had this enormous storm inside my head and my body for days, feeling nervous and looking for something.

    When I noticed him standing in front of me and recognized him at that festival, I felt so relaxed and coming home and safe.

    I could ‘see’ in the future that was easy and joyful and happy and filled with love, something I had never experienced before.

    Than I got scared and ran away.

    Now I am wondering whether I should look for the guy I had this short experience with or just for the experience?

    XXX
    Marina



  10.  #10Patricia on October 31, 2011 at 9:13 am

    Marina “Yes”. Both!



  11.  #11marina on October 31, 2011 at 9:14 am

    I realize ‘My stuff’ made me run to the hills. NV’s telling me I needed to work first, needed to earn it before I was worth it, or before I could give in to love…

    On a positive note, a friend of mine asked me today if I wanted to have his dating profile. He paid for 3 months but says he found a new GF, so would I like to have his profile?

    I have no money at all right now, but at least I can reply some of the cute guys that send me a message last week!

    Dunno if they will still be interested..

    Anyway, isn’t that sweet? 🙂



  12.  #12marina on October 31, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Thanks Patricia! 🙂

    I will remember what it felt like with the guy.

    And I just sent him a random LinkedIn invitation for a lunch seminar on time management that I am organising.

    Perhaps I will see him there…



  13.  #13Starla on October 31, 2011 at 9:19 am

    It is absolutely true that if you shower your man with praise, he comes back even more devoted and focused on making you happy, in my experience.

    I’ve never once criticized Crack Fix, though I’ve felt tempted to! However, I set the urgency aside of addressing the uncomfortable feelings and confusion I had, I felt my way through it myself, and came to him instead with feeling messages that didn’t make him wrong.

    I think that if they’re healthy guys, they will always respond positively to praise, and give you more of the good stuff since the pay off is feeling like your hero (the best feeling in the world to a man, I’m guessing). I used to think that if you praised a man too much, he’d become complacent in pleasing you, but this is just not true (unless he has some serious selfish issues).



  14.  #14Starla on October 31, 2011 at 9:40 am

    I went into this party last night where I was meeting all his friends with NO expectations… Crack Fix is a pretty quiet and shy person, so I expected nothing out of him in terms of introducing me around, being open, etc., but he actually impressed me more than any other man who ever brought into his world for the first time. He introduced me to everyone as they arrived and included me all night and didn’t pressure me to participate in any of the party games. He is really close with these people so I got to see an awesome side of him that made me fall for him even more. He is a great improv comedian, as it turns out, and not at all shy in the right setting.

    Sigh, swoon, birds are singing around my head this morning. Now I’m just focusing on leaning back. Almost texted/emailed him like 3 times today. But I stopped myself. 🙂



  15.  #15Femininewoman on October 31, 2011 at 9:51 am

    “Once we’re all involved with him, once we’re hormonally “hooked” on him, we feel like we need HIM.

    When actually, what all of us women need to feel is loved, touched, desired and cared for.

    The moment we make all that loving, touching, desiring and caring about HIM, we lose our “mystery.”

    We lose our Feminine power.

    We lose our Siren-ness – that alluring creature within all of us that a man can’t resist.

    We LOWER his feeling of ATTRACTION to us.

    To get all our power and desirability back – to ATTRACT our man more – we have to SHIFT our focus.

    We have to shift our focus AWAY from him, and onto OURSELVES, where it belongs.

    The way this works is that we WANT him, we ENJOY him, yes – and yet – we are MOST OF ALL devoted to our basic needs being met.

    And because we put our basic needs for feeling loved, touched, desired and cared for FIRST, the burden all of a sudden switches from US being “needy” to HIM having to provide those things for us if he wants to even be CONSIDERED for a relationship with us!

    In other words, we get a HIGH “Degree Of Difficulty” and he needs to step up his game if he wants to win us.”

    From a previous Rori Email



  16.  #16Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Wow EMK and my name in the same sentence…LOL



  17.  #17Emoticon on October 31, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Oh wow Starla! Awesome!!!



  18.  #18Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 10:11 am

    This pretty much clarifies this concept for me:

    Therefore – the “working through” may not be easy because it requires US looking inside and exposing ourselves and rising above our OWN defenses and comfort level!

    But the RELATIONSHIP is EASY.

    Love, Rori

    *************************
    I like the idea that the relationship can be easy…it’s a relief. And I like what this article has to say. Thanks Rori.

    I feel surprised and a lil bit defensive to see my name in the same sentence as EMK in this article and seeming as we have opposing views…but I guess that’s probably just my “stuff” I have to work thru…



  19.  #19Tiffany on October 31, 2011 at 10:34 am

    Wow, what a great Rori post – and so pertinent, as usual! lol



  20.  #20Tiffany on October 31, 2011 at 10:48 am

    BW – from the other thread – that sounds amazing! I missed how it came to be that you were shopping with TH, but to spend that kind of money on you – I love that. I love when guys want to spend on you, but not let you see how much. I think that’s how they get to be extra generous. 🙂 And I want that, too. I want a guy to let me pick out exactly what I want, and not hold back. I want to a guy to buy things for me that make me feel sexy and pretty. I don’t want to “expect” it. But i want to be able to “let it” happen, and enjoy it when it does.

    good for you! 🙂



  21.  #21Senior Lady Vibe on October 31, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Hello, world. I am thankful for all.

    Happy Halloween. Happy Birthday “Mirabelle…” 😀

    Groovie Goolies Monster Mash Music Video
    [The song was released in 1962]
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxcM3nCsglA

    xoxo



  22.  #22Ella on October 31, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Well, I just spent the afternoon with CD1. He was fixig my computer.

    He literally spent about 3 hours there fixing it right in front of me and I was sitting watching and reading books.

    Every now and again he would stop and cuddle and
    kiss me and pay me attention.

    It felt good to receive.

    Well I did express that I am still feeling unsure about the situation and I said I feel scared, and when he asked why I said bc I don’t wanto to fall for an unavailable man.

    He asked what I meant and did I mean bc he is always working…

    I said no… just that it feels weird that he is never available at evenings and weekends.

    He said he is available evenings and that he is free some weekends.

    Later he mentioned something about if he ever got to come inside my bedroom (where I live)… and at that point I asked ‘will I ever get to see your house?’.

    He said Yes.

    Errr, its a bit weird, I did feel a bit like I was angling for something… cus I was I suppose, and that felt bad, like having an agenda.

    I really wanted to stay present and appreciate the ways he is loving me and also it feels difficult when I am still feeling so fearful.

    I don’t want to end up ‘nagging’ or trying to control, which it does feel like a bit sometimes atm… although its probably fine…

    And on the other hand I need strong boundaries to keep me safe…

    He was a bit more sexual today, which was fine, however I have made it clear I do not want that until I feel safe.

    I said ‘I do not want to be seduced until I feel safe’.

    I also said I will feel safer when I know you better and also when I see your house.

    I said he can come over to mine one day soon…

    So there we are and I wonder what will happen next.

    Oh, there was a bit where he was working on my computer, and he clicked on the history, and I had been doing a search on him!!!!

    Eeeek.

    I felt so embarrssed.

    But he didn’t mention it and neither did I.

    He knows I feel uncertain of him.

    Despite all the ways he is helping me.

    What I am realising is it can’t be a bad thing at all…
    As long as I always feel happy about what I am doing I can just let him continue to give me what he wants to give me.

    And I can keep my boundaries to keep me safe.



  23.  #23Ella on October 31, 2011 at 11:09 am

    And I had an unexpected last minute date off POF last night.

    Lets call him CD3.

    Talk about step up man, I have never seen anything like it!! Honestly he contacted me and then moved it to phone and asked me on the off chance if I was free to meet him that evening for a drink.

    I felt sponateous and I said yes.

    So he drove over to me, no questions about who was coming to who. And we had a great evening.

    I don’t feel so attracted to him as CD1 and some others, however he was nice and very, very complimentary.

    He wanted to cuddle and kiss me however respected my boundaries and wanted me to feel safe first and foremost.

    Don’t know if I will be attracted to him however I am going to stay open and give him a chance.

    And when I got home I felt suprised that he didn’t text.

    And then he has just text me today and asked me to have dinner with him and said he feels really attracted to me.

    He also said some stuff about if he was dating a woman he would only date her and he would feel peeved if she was dating others.

    Hmmm, that would be interesting if he ends up dating me!!!!



  24.  #24Tiffany on October 31, 2011 at 11:14 am

    Ladies, I had such an interesting weekend!

    I don’t really like Halloween all that much. But it really came through for me, in terms of me getting in touch with, and “expressing” my feelings. As well as moving toward what I want.

    And I realized something – I am very good at going toward “what” I want (if that “what” is a thing.) But if the “what” is a person, or involves a person, then I find it that much harder…

    Well, on Saturday, a friend had invited me to another friend’s barbecue. I asked her for details of when and where, but she wasn’t specific. She kept leaving me hanging, and I kept having to wait for her texts, and meanwhile planning my own travels and costume, etc. Finally, by the time I got there, she wasn’t at the meeting place because she had gone ahead to the party herself, without telling me. It wasn’t far. But I was so flustered by the time I got there, that I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I didn’t want to be a party pooper. But I didn’t want to stew in my yucky feelings, either. So, what did I do? I told her how I felt. (btw, it annoyed me how she was being so sweet to me, when she’d basically just given me the runaround all day.) She had said that I “wasn’t on her schedule.” So when I got there, I explained how I couldn’t have been on “her schedule” since she had never clearly told me what her schedule was. I was basically forced to guess, and ended up just being on my schedule. If she had simply given me the address, I could have showed up on my own time, instead of being led to be dependent on her. I apologized for being flustered and bringing in “bad energy,” but it really wasn’t so bad. It felt good just getting it out, and better than being “walked on” by her lack of communication. I ended up schmoozing and mingling and having a great time at the party. And I spent more time with her later on. I even think that expressing myself was better for the friendship, because then she could respond to me as I was, not how I wanted to “project” myself (i.e. being cool when I was not). So that felt good.

    Later on in the evening, I ended up going to a dance party that I wanted to go to, even though none of my other friends wanted to go. Lots of people had invited me to other events, but this party was the one I wanted to attend. So my friend (from the bbq) dropped me off, and I went in – alone! 🙂 I guess I decided that I didn’t need “someone else” to make it okay for me to do what *I* wanted. I did know at least one other person there – my dance teacher. And I got to say hi to her. And just after I did, this man started dancing up to me. He made a “bee-line” it seemed. I hadn’t even seen him, and then, suddenly, he waltzed right into my field of vision.

    He told me later that when he saw me, I looked “sparkly” and “shiny” and he was just so intrigued that he wanted to dance with me. I also wanted to “handcuff” me. It was part of his costume. He had these plastic toy hand-cuffs and a SWAT team helmet. So I let him! tehee! And we danced for a couple of hours like that. It was really funny. i found him to be very cute. And I was definitely attracted to him and was enjoying his attention.

    Strangely, though, I did find myself “looking” around the room, at times. Being literally chained to this guy (okay, it was a plastic chain), I did start to wonder if there were more attractive guys that I could be dancing with. But then, I wasn’t dancing with them. And they weren’t “chaining themselves” to me. But I can definitely identify as one of my “blocks” rearing its ugly head. Because I have done that in the past, too. Once a guy seems really into me, I start to look around and wonder if I can “do better.” But then, once I lose the guy I have/had, who I didn’t think was “that good,” I get sad and suddenly begin to realize all his virtues and the things about him and the relationship I didn’t fully appreciate. Argh.

    Okay, I didn’t exactly “lose” him. I did get “unchained” after a while, but I still danced with him until the end of the party. Then we went out and got pizza.

    Strangely, the whole time, he never even tried to kiss me. I feel a little bit sad about that. I really wanted him to. Or I didn’t, but then I did. Hard to explain. I was concerned because I though he had some sort of large birthmark on his face, or a skin condition. So I asked about it, and it turned out it was just face paint that had melted in the heat. Then I was so embarrassed about making such a silly mistake – it was halloween after all – that I temporarily forgot about kissing him. Even when he dropped me off at the bus stop, he never kissed me. Just a hug, and then he disappeared.

    I did give him my number, but I don’t have his. (probably just as well, because I would be in danger of texting him something stupid.) The guy is from LA. But he didn’t seem to mind the 5-hour drive to the Bay Area. I would see him again if he came up here, but it would be hard to have a long-distance relationship. So it’s fine. I just have this fear that I can be sexy and sireny and attractive when I’m dancing, but that in “real life,” I am boring, unattractive, and not fun at all to talk to.

    Hm. Okay, I’m realizing that’s a pretty silly thing to say and not at all true. I’m just trying to “explain” why he never tried to kiss me. But, he probably had his reasons. Maybe he didn’t want to appear too “forward.” to be fair, I hate it when guys are *too* physically aggressive, so in a way, it’s actually a good thing, and I appreciate it. I was just noticing that I “wanted” more. that my body has, and had in that moment a physical desire, and THAT’S OKAY. I can give myself permission to feel that, even if my desires are NOT fulfilled in the moment.

    The next day, I also had a good time of going toward something I wanted, but my story is too long already, so I won’t detail it here.

    I just don’t know about this guy. I am in the unknown. Sinking into the not-knowing. I don’t know if I will hear from him. I don’t know what he will do. And I don’t have to know. But I can know what I feel, and I can decide what I do, right now, this minute, and in the moments to come. And I can ALWAYS go toward what I want. And if something (or someone) wants me….it can follow me to where I am.



  25.  #25Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Ella
    thanks for sharing about your dialogue with CD1…sounds like you expressed yourself well about the topic of going each other’s houses….etc….and you kept your boundaries. Yay Ella!

    also…you said about the other one CD3
    “He also said some stuff about if he was dating a woman he would only date her and he would feel peeved if she was dating others. ”

    Interesting this seems to be coming up for more than one siren right now…seems to be a hot topic.

    And I recall Rori’s article about “You can circular date, but he can’t”
    Perhaps I will revisit that and read it.



  26.  #26flower on October 31, 2011 at 11:16 am

    haunted halloween…



  27.  #27Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 11:20 am

    #24 Tiffany
    I really enjoyed reading about your weekend! Sounds like fun and how cute about the guy and the handcufss. What a gentleman he wasnt all over you trying to mack you! I think it’s kinda nice….



  28.  #28Tiffany on October 31, 2011 at 11:22 am

    Hi Ella!!

    Ooh, I forgot to mention. What was really cool about this guy (let’s call him LA) was how appreciative he seemed of me. He kept expressing it and saying “thank you” to me. And it felt so good to be thanked. I thanked him as well, when he did something for me, like buy me a drink. But it almost seemed superfluous. Like he was so grateful already, just that I was there. At one point, we were dancing and he said he felt like he had “the prettiest girl.” (I told him it was a good thing he hand-cuffed me early on 😉 ) While leaving the party, he thanked me for making his Halloween fun and special. That felt really nice to hear. He was giving to me by thanking me. And that felt good 🙂



  29.  #29Tiffany on October 31, 2011 at 11:23 am

    Hi Emerson!! xoxo 🙂



  30.  #30tinque on October 31, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed.

    SO there is a good chance that with the right man, some really awful inner stuff can rise up just begging to be healed, and it can feel really awful, and the working through this stuff can feel really difficult, but if the knowing is there, you will really want to do this, heal.

    Yet even with all of this going on within you, the relationship path IS easy. It just is.

    And in your healing, this man will heal and grow with you, through your heart though he may not know he’s doing so.

    xxoo



  31.  #31Femininewoman on October 31, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Love Note of the Week:

    BOO! What scares you most about being in relationship?

    “When it comes to love, nothing stands in our way more than fear. Fear keeps us stuck, continues our limiting beliefs, and stops us from going for our True Heart’s Desire. We experience fear and excitement in exactly the same way in our body – the only difference is the dialog we have about the sensation. Next time you catch yourself feeling fear, change your inner dialog to one that embraces excitement. For example “I’m afraid if I say that, he will leave me,” becomes “I’m so excited to share how I’m feeling right now for the opportunity to be emotionally connected to him.” When we step through the force field of fear and discover it was just a ‘Paper Tiger’ we are rewarded every single time. Run the experiment and see for yourself.”

    We are here to support you on your path to love.

    Love and Abundance (and Happy Halloween!),

    Orna and Matthew



  32.  #32Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 11:52 am

    Hi Tiffany! 🙂



  33.  #33Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 11:54 am

    #30 @ Tinque

    This helps me have peace about a relationship I had in the past that I felt may have worked if I would have hung in there….but I really didn’t feel passion for him, but perhaps since he was sucha step up guy, I got scared and blocked myself….
    But….if it wasn’t happening naturally and wasn’t easy for me to want to heal myself at that time…it means that indeed, he was not the “right” guy?



  34.  #34tinque on October 31, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    Emerson – Sweetheart, it’s not at all easy to face all the crap in there which probably only came up for you because of the man. Not that he caused it, but if you are wanting one of those special relationships which I think all here do, this stuff will come up.

    But this is what’s hard, not the relationship. There is nothing more painful and trying than work on self.

    If that knowing is there with the man, then you will want to do the work.

    I too had great fear around love and intimacy though I didn’t really know this until I started this more tough work when K and I came together.

    I knew K was the one, yet I had doubts at the same time. May sound contradictory, but I don’t know that I can explain it any better.

    A man in love, man in knowing will see what’s going on with you but will likely not say a word about it. He will feel grateful for your courage and for the rewards he will reap the deeper you go.

    You get the rewards of peace and an ever increasingly open heart, AND you get to watch him change and grow right along with you.

    When you get past a certain point in your healing though only you will recognize this, the angst, the anxiety, much of the disconnect and the fear will have faded to almost nothing. You will have felt bonded all along, but now it will just feel so different, so real, so right, comfortable yet exciting.
    xxoo



  35.  #35Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Thanks Tinque…always feels good to read your words.
    Hugs xoxo
    Emerson



  36.  #36Izzy on October 31, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    I am feeling so untouched that my voice won’t come out when he talks to me. I am shutting down. Not one feeling message will come out. It feels like a knot in my throat, words just won’t come out. Only tears… I feel stuck. How do I get out of here?



  37.  #37Senior Lady Vibe on October 31, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    from previous thread:

    @415: English Woman says:
    #327 SLV

    I understand your thoughts. I don’t believe my man would be emasculated. On the contrary, I imagine my Sweetie lying in bed weakened after cardiac surgery. If I disappeared, he might be wondering if he wasn’t manly enough to attract more than a “sugar baby granny!” That seems cold and unattractive.

    I’ll just be authentic and follow the beats of my heart…

    In addition, I expect my Sweetie/CD to know the difference between me and his mother, aunt, sister or office colleague. I’m also not looking for a man who has sex with his mother, aunt, sister or office
    colleague.
    😀

    I’ll ponder on this and perhaps write more later.

    xoxo



  38.  #38Laughing Goddess on October 31, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    I’ve had the same experience as Rori and Tinque. The relationship is effortless, in the sense that his attraction is unwavering, yet the inner work can feel quite challenging.

    I felt myself putting up a lot of resistance, trying to sabotage the relationship. It was as if I was unconsciously trying to show him the ugliest parts of myself to test and see if he would still love me.

    I also became very aware of my mind and how very negative I can be. That is probably what I find most challenging, is my natural tendency of my mind to really think some terrible things about myself and other people…to sometimes assume the worst rather than the best.



  39.  #39Senior Lady Vibe on October 31, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    @448: English Woman says:
    “Oh and I made myself 5 years younger :$ on Smooch…… ”

    I’m curious to know how this will work out so maybe experiment with it for a bit and see how it goes… It might be good…

    I “made myself younger” several months, as I had habit of rounding down to XX9s” — as in 49 and holding…
    😆

    But now I’m getting all these profiles of guys who are 7 to 11 years younger than I. They are just from the site as “matches” not from the guys; my profile is hidden. But I’m not too happy to see them.

    I’ll fix it up when I use that site,,, if I ever do use it. I’m currently using my “skip ahead tool” so I’m a bit older rather than younger: I’m imagining myself as seventy. Hmmm.

    xoxo



  40.  #40Senior Lady Vibe on October 31, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    @470: Ella says:
    “Doing my POF work and my Siren blog work. ”

    I responded a few days ago to your request to me re: monetizing your web site. I didn’t see that you received the post or the links. Did you see them?

    xoxo



  41.  #41Senior Lady Vibe on October 31, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    @449: English Woman says:
    “..:$ was supposed to be red faced……….where’s SLV to help out with these face things?..”

    : oops : without spaces = 😳
    😛

    xoxo



  42.  #42Laughing Goddess on October 31, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    And this is coming from someone who is generally considered to be a pretty positive person, yet when I really observe my thoughts, I notice that I easily go into worry, stress, fear, etc.

    Even though I still go there…I am getting better and better about questioning those thoughts and beliefs that generate lousy feeling emotions within myself.

    It feels great to realize that I have control of my thoughts and the way I choose to perceive a situation and what I choose to focus on.



  43.  #43Senior Lady Vibe on October 31, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    @474: Emerson says:
    “…What happens if I really like one and things progress, and they think I’m five years younger? Doesn’t it start the relationship out in a lie?…”

    I don’t believe it does if we tell them on the second date (well, there’s really no point in telling them on the first… 😆 ) but I’m still exploring and pondering this. I hope we get some more siren input on this.

    xoxo



  44.  #44Senior Lady Vibe on October 31, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    @582: Emerson says:
    “Gawsh why do guys put silly silly pics up…where they just look like goofy children. It’s a huge turnoff…”

    Ohhh, I was thinking about using one as a Rori blog gravatar… 😳

    xoxo



  45.  #45Senior Lady Vibe on October 31, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    @587: English Woman says:
    “…Wow those were sure some gifts you got!!! Those Pandora bracelets are just lovely and EXPENSIVE. …”

    The “tres chic but cheap” Chinatown street vendor versions are also cute!

    xoxo



  46.  #46Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    LG I’ve had two men in my life like this…where they were unwavering in their attraction to me despite what I did / said to sabotage/shut down/run away.

    One was a decent guy and the other was super toxic.

    The decent guy was also toxic in some ways but maybe they were both growing too…and I should have been more patient/compassionate…but I was too full of anxiety and fear just tryign to deal with my own crap.

    I feel frustrated with myself and a lil bit hopeless that I will ever be able to heal this stuff…but trying to be gentle with myself.



  47.  #47Izzy on October 31, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Since I can



  48.  #48Laughing Goddess on October 31, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    When I am tuned in and aware of my inner thought processes and patterns, and using the tools I have to redirect, reframe, and refocus, I feel tuned in to the magical flow of life.

    I actually feel like a loving goddess who can see and appreciate the good in everyone, and all of the blessings I am surrounded by. I have feel happy when I wake up in the morning simply because the sun is shining and the world is still turning.



  49.  #49Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    44 SLV
    Please do!!!! LOL LOL



  50.  #50Izzy on October 31, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Since I can’t speak, I sent him a message saying that I feel so untouched, that the lack of hugs and kisses made me numb and that my voice won’t come out. Feeling a mix of relief and nausea right now. I shouldn’t be waiting for an answer right? What to do, go get a cup of coffee?



  51.  #51Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    45 SLV
    I love street vendors!
    Fun stuff 😀



  52.  #52Laughing Goddess on October 31, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    SLV:
    “In addition, I expect my Sweetie/CD to know the difference between me and his mother, aunt, sister or office colleague. I’m also not looking for a man who has sex with his mother, aunt, sister or office colleague.”

    I’m feeling kind of confused by what you mean here?



  53.  #53Senior Lady Vibe on October 31, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    I “made myself younger” several months ago… actually I made myself younger by several years…



  54.  #54Laughing Goddess on October 31, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Is sex the only thing that differencial factor between a lover/lover relationship vs. mother/son vs. or a coworker situation?

    Also, what if it’s with a CD that a person hasn’t had sex with yet?

    I’m trying to follow your train of thought and getting stuck. 🙂



  55.  #55Senior Lady Vibe on October 31, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    @52: Laughing Goddess

    xoxo



  56.  #56Senior Lady Vibe on October 31, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    @54: Laughing Goddess says:
    I”…Is sex the only thing that differencial factor between a lover/lover relationship vs. mother/son vs. or a coworker situation?…”

    No, I don’t think so but it is an obvious one. Even if there were no sex (yet…), I’d expect my man to know and experience our relationship as romantic rather than something else.

    And I don’t believe I could manipulate him into believing otherwise. I don’t think giving him a cookie would eliminate his romantic feelings for me.

    At least the “kind of man I’m looking for…” It’s possible some other kinds of men might be “cookie detoured.” I don’t want them.

    😀

    xoxo



  57.  #57Ella on October 31, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    SLV re 40

    No I didn’t see that reply. Pls tell me where so I can read.

    Thank you.

    🙂



  58.  #58Ella on October 31, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Sirens I feel like such a class A Pleb… that CD1 saw my internet history and saw that I had been searching on his name!!!

    🙁

    I feel SOOOO embarressed, and squirmy.

    I often google search new men if I want to check them out and I still feel like a complete idiot.

    I would have cleared the history except didn’t get a chance as computer had died.



  59.  #59Starla on October 31, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    oh crap. oh crap oh crap oh crap

    i am feeling so much love that i am feeling nauseated!



  60.  #60Senior Lady Vibe on October 31, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    @57: Ella says:
    “…SLV re 40
    No I didn’t see that reply. Pls tell me where so I can read.
    Thank you…”

    It was soon after your request, on a previous thread.

    😀
    xoxo



  61.  #61Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    58 @ Ella
    OMG I know what you mean about that squirmy feeling…Ugh hate when that stuff happens…but as you mentioned, he didn’t say anything about it, and he was still being affectionate and sweet, and still helped you fix it,,,,so,,,,he probably doesn’t care. 🙂

    In this day and age I google everyone too!!
    We have to be careful as women…
    And a lot of people do that….
    Don’t overthink it…

    Maybe he feels flattered like oh wow she kinda likes me so she googled me…hee hee…

    I don’t know if that helps, but I don’t think you should worry too much.

    Deep breath.



  62.  #62Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    59 @ Starla
    Aww I feel happy for you and envious too…
    I want to feel that way…
    It’s been a long time since I felt that way….

    🙂 🙂



  63.  #63marina on October 31, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    So, I just talked to Rdate, the guy that offered me to take over his dating profile.
    Seems I cannot change it into mine, can not change the nickname or the emailaddress.
    I can use it to see profiles of guys though. To see all the photo’s they have put up.

    I dunno, Rdate just keeps triggering me.
    I was feeling really kinda bored talking to him on the phone. I did not feel interested into talking to him.But I did not say so, because I thought it was kinda rude especially after him offering me to help me out with the dating profile.

    Then he started pushing me and telling me I should look up more profiles. Well, I felt pressured. So I told him I feel pressured and this whole dating thing freaks me out and I want to take it slowly. So I will email one guy who sent me his emailaddress (after I have made a new emailladdress for the whole dating thing).
    Then he said, yeah, I don’t have any problem chatting to people, but I didn’t find my new girlfriend there.

    So, I was like, OK, I am going to the loo now. Bye.
    And he said me too.
    After a couple of minutes he called me again and said I have a typical accent (the accent I don’t like and I feel bad about it and I want to change the way I speak).
    So I said, yeah, I should move South so I will start using the sweet soft accent they have there. And he said, yeah, I have music by this guy from the South.
    Well, I don’t like those Dutch songs I told him, I like Greek and African music.
    Oh, but you should listen to this music he told me.
    So, he started to play the music and I said, yeah, that sounds happy. But it is enough. I don’t want somebody else waiting my time, forcing me to listen to music I don’t like.

    So I hung up. He called me again and I didn’t pick up. Second time I did pick up and he said, no, don’t pick up I am filling your voicemail with this music.

    And I thought, Oh my gawd, how old is this guy? So I told him, please stop, I don’t like that music.

    Oh, and I know I must be healing stuff with this. It is easy to tell him I don’t want to talk anymore or I don’t like his music, bc I feel no interest in him whatsoever.

    And I really want to heal this, guys waisting my time…

    It is a bit silly though, bc my friend J. is also friends with Rdate and she tells me they have great deep conversations and he is such a caring, insightful sensitive person.

    Help, am I triggering this annoying boundary testing stuff in guys?



  64.  #64Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Gah a lot of these guys on my online dating website that are viewing me or messaging me are far far away!!
    Like out of state far…or even out of the country!
    🙁
    I don’t want a LDR….can I have some that are closer, please…thank you angels…
    I want to heal this…because maybe it’s cuz I attract them because it’s “safe” ….nothing will ever materialize with these guys far away…

    Hmm…

    I love me



  65.  #65Laughing Goddess on October 31, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Emerson:

    That sounds like a good idea to just be gentle with yourself. That was the past. Should-ing all over ourselves isn’t going to change it. 🙂

    Really, the present is the only thing we have control over. Are you being open-hearted right now? That’s really all that matters.

    Things can change on a dime. We are not bound by our past unless we choose to put our focus there.

    I just heard this saying and I love it!

    People who are depressed are living in the past.
    People who are anxious are living in the future.
    People who are at peace, are living in the now!



  66.  #66Starla on October 31, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    I don’t feel any fear, any neediness

    I don’t want anything trivial of him, because I know if I needed something I could just ask and he would try his best to provide it.

    I used to want arbitrary things from my men, because it would fill the emotional void that i wasn’t to ignore with them. Their material commitment to me (offering rides, buying me dinners and gifts, helping me with stuff in the house) was what i focused on as evidence of our success as a couple, as I didn’t know any better.

    Because I didn’t know THIS feeling. Of peace and fearlessness and trust. And health. And….i’m gonna puke



  67.  #67Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    thanks LG I love it!

    People who are depressed are living in the past.
    People who are anxious are living in the future.
    People who are at peace, are living in the now!



  68.  #68Starla on October 31, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    *that I wanted to ignore with them



  69.  #69Laughing Goddess on October 31, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Emerson:

    Speaking of, I just noticed that you do something that I do too. I’ll talk about something I want or feel happy about and then talk about how I didn’t have it in the past.

    62: Emerson says:

    59 @ Starla
    Aww I feel happy for you and envious too…
    I want to feel that way…
    It’s been a long time since I felt that way….

    I’m wanting to let my stories about the past go and start saying things like….

    “Aww I feel happy for you and envious too…
    I want to feel that way…”

    and then STOP! No more focusing on how it didn’t work out in the past.

    And I believe letting go of the past creates space for something new and better. 🙂



  70.  #70ive no idea on October 31, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    emerson #25

    when youve had a chance to re read rori’s ‘you can circular date but he cant’ id be interested to know what she says about that

    i dont seem to be able to find any reference to this



  71.  #71Starla on October 31, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    And anyway when I need help, he notices and offers.

    I used to mention stuff that I might need help on, as a test for my men.

    I don’t test this guy, ever…and yet he offers always.

    I love this. I’ve let go of control, attachment to outcomes, trying to “get” things out of him, and he just steps up and offers it anyway



  72.  #72Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    69 @ LG
    Aww thanks LG for taking the time to reply to me…with such thoughtfulness and insight…and for showing up to help me heal…
    I find what you said very profound and helpful…
    🙂

    I DO do that.

    But I DO want to make room for something NEW…

    🙂 healing and growing…



  73.  #73Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    71 @ Starla
    Amazing. Love it. He sounds really great! I love receiving help from men. Even if I don’t need it.
    I am getting better at accepting! Yay!



  74.  #74Starla on October 31, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    eeep NV’s
    “shut up starla”
    “stop gloating starla, no one wants to hear your posi-bullsh*t”
    “you’re making others feel bad and not good enough”



  75.  #75Laughing Goddess on October 31, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    I feel so fascinated by words and their power and how they influence our reality so much. We seem to have this pattern of communication that we learned growing up and I feel intrigued by how being conscious of what we are speaking can completely shift our energy.

    I feel awed, and intrigued and I want to know more about this!



  76.  #76faith on October 31, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    hello everyone.. hope you are all doing well.
    I’ve been away for a couple of weeks trying to work on myself and feel better about my break-up.

    I still don’t feel so good.

    Can someone please give me some advice…. TINQUE??

    my boyfriend and I broke up over 5 months ago…. and he has not called me??!!!! Will he ever call me after this long?? ( we were together for 2 years.. It was a serious relationship) I just don’t understand why he hasn’t even called me……..does he not care?? (I also haven’t contacted him either in any way.. he was basically the one wanting to end the relationship).

    PLEASE HELP!! people tell me all ex-bfs callback…. but why hasn’t mine after 5months??!! I still love him and miss him like crazy…. I don’t know what to do..

    🙁



  77.  #77Tiffany on October 31, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Ha! He friend-requested me on facebook.

    Who has two thumbs and is totally surprised?

    yeah, that’d be me! lol



  78.  #78Tiffany on October 31, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    @FW #31 – I was totally going to post that! You beat me to it! lol I love their “love notes” and that one was particularly great. Thanks for sharing!



  79.  #79Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    74 Starla I find you sharing about your feelings as inspiring…and please keep sharing…



  80.  #80tinque on October 31, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    Faith – I don’t now if this is true that all exes come back. Maybe all good ones do though I still don’t know about this. Everyone is different.

    If he initiated the break up, there’s a good chance he really is done.

    Sitting around waiting, wishing, and hoping will not bring him back.

    You must let him go and get on with your life. You must take gentle and patient care of yourself, fill your life with people and things/activities you love. You must regain a full life without him.

    If he does indeed come back after you released thoughts of him and created for yourself a beautiful life, you will have gained clarity, and you may discover you don’t want him after all.

    If he never returns, it won’t matter because your life will be great and other maybe far better men will be wanting to be with you.

    xxoo



  81.  #81Ella on October 31, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Emerson re 61,

    Yeah that is what I figure too.

    I always google people and I am hoping he will take it as a compliment.

    🙂

    I like him.



  82.  #82Laughing Goddess on October 31, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Emerson: #72

    I feel relieved that it was helpful. Sometumes I feel self-conscious bringing things like that up because I don’t want to come across as nitpicking anyone’s words. 🙂



  83.  #83Tiffany on October 31, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    hm…Faith. I know I am not Tinque, but maybe I can say something that will help. Or it might not.

    It just sounds to me like you have an expectation that he will call you. “people tell me all ex-bfs callback.” Where is this coming from? Who told you, and why should that be true? Why would an ex-boyfriend call you back? He is an EX – as in, NOT your boyfriend. He has absolutely NOOOOOOO obligation to call you. None. Nada. Zilch. It is NOT in the ex-boyfriend handbook. In fact, it is my experience that when a man is no longer dating you, he DOESN’T call, because he is trying to move on with his life. This may sound really tough, but I’m trying to be realistic here, and I am speaking from experience.

    This is a sucky thing for us women. Because we feel so bonded to the man that we still want to maintain a connection – even if he is an “ex.” Meanwhile, guys are much, MUCH better at “turning the page,” cutting their losses and just moving on. They DON’T want to re-visit the situation if they can avoid it. The only thing it would do is bring up pain and discomfort for them. Women are much better at tolerating and dealing with discomfort than men are. This is part of what makes us strong and beautiful. But it makes it hard to understand why he would avoid us.

    The only reason an ex-bf would call you back, is if he suddenly started thinking of you, and realizing that he wanted to see you again. (I’m guessing that’s what you’re hoping for.) But he is NOT going to do that if you are sitting around, moping and pining for him and not living your life. Why? Because you are not being your fabulous self, and you are not LETTING him come to the conclusion on his own. You’ve already made your mind up for him – he’s going to call you, and that’s going to be it. Well, what if he doesn’t? We all get to be surprised, here. What if you decide to live your life, regardless of this man. If he calls, he calls, if he doesn’t, he doesn’t. And meanwhile, who knows? maybe in the process you are going to meet someone who sweeps you off your feet and makes you forget about him completely. “Ex-bf? What ex-bf?”

    In fact, you can get a head start on that and start “forgetting” about him right now. it’s possible that if you do that – and I mean sincerely stop thinking about him and “expecting” him to call – he’d pick up the ball and starting thinking about you…not guaranteeing. Just saying that’s the only way it *would* happen. And then, when he contacts you, you might just decide you’re not all that interested anyway, because your life is so fabulous without him.

    I’m no expert, but those are my thoughts. try on the ideas and see what you think. Hope you feel better soon!



  84.  #84Ella on October 31, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Starla,

    I LOVE hearing about your dating stuff and esp the stuff with Crack Fix man and the successes and lovey stuff…

    Helps keep me motivated.

    🙂 xx



  85.  #85Tiffany on October 31, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Tinque said much better and more succinctly than I did 🙂



  86.  #86Laughing Goddess on October 31, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    SLV #56

    🙂
    xoxo



  87.  #87faith on October 31, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    Thank You TINQUE!! i feel like i am truly trying to get over him.. i push myself to do things all the time.. just to get out of the house. I just can’t seem to get over him. I feel like sometimes i should just contact him and get it over with.. because it just ended so quickly and we didn’t have a last conversation about the relationship/how we felt or nothing. It was just so fast!! i feel so lost because i thought what we had was more than just breaking up and never speaking again!!



  88.  #88Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    I feel a little twinge of jealousy when I hear that people are pregnant….
    I never felt that way before until about 2 years ago…
    I always felt like, oh thank god I’m not prego!!
    Now I’m like awww…wish it was me….



  89.  #89faith on October 31, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    Thank YOu so much Tiffany!!….to answer your questions.. most of my female friends have told me that eventually ex-bfs come back. Than eventually they will call you…. I don’t know why i can’t get over this person. Maybe because i thought he was the one.. because we did so much together.. because i truly love him. I don’t know but IT HURTS to think that a person you spent sooooo much time with and you loved so much and you had so many plans with will just leave like that…. and like you said turn the page so easily.
    i mean we didn’t even have a final conversation.. it just ended so quickly!!



  90.  #90Starla on October 31, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    I am going to buy a small chest of drawers from the department store that’s about half a mile from my house today, and I know I could call Crack Fix to give me a ride home with my new furniture, but I think I could actually manage to carry it on my own back to my house. Yes, little old me. So if it turns out to be too heavy for me to carry, yeah, I will call him. But I think I can muscle it the half mile on my own!

    And I feel so excited about this! This is an opportunity to assert my independence to myself…and so something on my own just to prove to myself I can do it.

    Gosh, I feel so taken care of by this man that I’m actually seeking out ways to take care of myself on purpose. This is so brand new to me. Ladies! I’m freaking out here!!

    I feel mega embarrassed about how excited I feel today. I don’t want anyone to judge me:( Ohhh NV’s



  91.  #91tinque on October 31, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    The thing is Faith, contacting won’t make you feel better. If anything it will make you feel worse. It’s unlikely you will hear what you want to hear.

    Closure is overrated. There really isn’t such a thing.

    It ended quickly. So it is what it is, and the sooner you can teach yourself to be okay with this, the better you will feel and the more quickly you will heal.

    This takes time. It really does.

    xxoo



  92.  #92Starla on October 31, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    Emerson, Ella
    THANK YOU

    It means a lot to me that you’re happy for me and supportive.

    This is an old trigger for me with friends and family who just don’t like being happy for me lol. Thank you for letting me know that you’re cool with my posts about the happy stuff.



  93.  #93Senior Lady Vibe on October 31, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Happy Birthday, Sweetie.

    xoxo



  94.  #94faith on October 31, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    thank you TINQUE…. i will definitely not contact him.. i mean i haven’t since we broke up 5 months ago so i am sure i can fight to stay away longer. i also didn’t contact him on his birthday which was in september and i know holidays are coming up…. it will be hard for me to Not contact him during this time…. but i guess i will do it.. i will find the strength from somewhere….



  95.  #95Starla on October 31, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    faith, if it makes you feel any better, i was dumped on an instant message after a year+ of relationship with someone i really loved…or thought i did… and he never contacted me again. I was shocked! The best thing I did for myself was date as many random dudes as possible:)



  96.  #96Ella on October 31, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    Hmmm Sirens,

    Just had CD3 (new CD) show up on the phone asking if he could ask me a question…

    Something he ‘needs’ to know.

    I got him to come off text and call me and then he asked me ‘Do I fancy him?’

    I had already agreed to dinner with him…

    Hmm, it felt weird being asked and a bit icky!

    I expressed and we had a discussion about attraction, which was quite interesting. However the whole thing just came across like mega insecurity and I’m like ‘woah! am I gonna have to be constantly re-assuring him?’

    Reminded me of Lucy’s recent dilema where her man suddenly went all fem energy…

    Hmmm.

    Then he said he wished he hadn’t called and he would go have a bath and beat himself up!

    Eeeek.

    I said no. No beating up.

    And then I said this felt weird cus I want to be the girl and get to be the one who feels unsure etc…

    He said ah ok.

    Then he changed the subject and we talked about something else.

    I am still going to see him cus I have a feeling he is a genuinly nice guy.

    Mirror for how it looks when someone is being overpowered by thier NVs though… or when someone needs constant re-assurance.

    So shows how it is better for everyone to assume that the other is attracted



  97.  #97Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    96 @ Ella….
    Aww wow he sounds super sensitive! Not in a bad way, but oh my…I imagine it would feel so foreign to me! Can tell he’s been thinking about you…
    🙂



  98.  #98Corin on October 31, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    This post struck a chord with me. I’ve felt reluctant to post since agreeing to be exclusive with someone as I know it doesn’t ‘conform’ to the CDing ‘rules’. However it feels so good and so easy that I simply don’t want to date anyone else. I feel secure, loved, wanted and appreciated by him and he tells me so. He seems to quite naturally want the same things as me in terms of contact, affection, time together, time spcialising with others etc and when I’m down he makes it a periority to always support me.

    I know some of my ‘stuff’ is to stop taking care of myself once I get into a relationship and starting to make him responsible for my feelings. I am working on that stuff and am making a concerted effort to still keep the focus on me.

    My long term goal is to get married and have childen and if that doesn’t materialise here I will move on. That would be taking care of me.

    Ways that I stop taking care if myself in a relationship include spending less time with friends and family, agreeing to do things that benefit him and disadvantage me, neglecting my diet and fitness, sitting around at home alone when not with my him, putting less focus onto my career because I see him as having the ‘main’ career (such a pattern learnt from my mother). Hmmm, I want to explore what the opposite of all those things would be.



  99.  #99Corin on October 31, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    38- LG “I also became very aware of my mind and how very negative I can be. That is probably what I find most challenging, is my natural tendency of my mind to really think some terrible things about myself and other people…to sometimes assume the worst rather than the best.”

    This completely applies to me! In the prescence of so much love, openness and apreciation from him, my harsh, negative and doubting thoughts about him and others feel such a stark contrast.

    Sometimes really negative thoughts about people who I care about and love will flash into my head for no apparent reason. I will find myself stewing over an imagined slight, a flaw of theirs or telling some made up story about them in comparison to me in my head. I probably always did this but in comparison to his love, these thoughts present such a stark contrast and I really notice them. I’m trying to be aware that when I’m judging them, I’m always actually judging myself (through my projection on them) and instead start focussing on finding where I’m judging myself and then allowing some love and compassion and forgiveness to flow there. This part isn’t easy!



  100.  #100Corin on October 31, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    I’m also not finding it easy to work on the ways I neglect myself and stuff my feelings with food.

    Hmm, a loving goal would be whenever I feel the urge to eat when I’m not hungry I could look for a way to flow love onto myself in a more healthy way.



  101.  #101Mel on October 31, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    I feel surprised. Wow! Very surprised. Huh. 😉



  102.  #102Mel on October 31, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    Kyla!

    Nice to see you back! I’m glad to hear that you’re all moved and settled-in. And it seems as though you are being a great little siren! 🙂



  103.  #103Ella on October 31, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    I feel unsure that CD1 would be able to fulfill my core needs…

    Not sure he can ‘catch’ or be sensitive to my emotions.

    And that is fine cus he is just a CD.

    🙂

    And he will still get a chance to meet them.

    He gives good cuddles 🙂

    CD3 seems to be able to talk about intimate stuff quite easily.

    And there is another new CD (CD4? lol) and I don’t know much about him yet except that I feel quite an upbeat, positive energy coming from him atm.

    And he is calling, asking me out etc…

    Hmmm, all feels nice.



  104.  #104Izzy on October 31, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Right now I don’t need much from a bf. I am extremely busy with my stuff, I don’t have a lot of time for him either. And I was very reluctant about starting a relationship before this fase was over. But we talked and talked and he agreed on my terms. But it is not working. We spend so little time together that when he is with me I want him to be with me. Not thinking about work, or things he has to do, or whatever. I want 30 min a week with me. Holding me. Kissing me. Touching me. The rest of the time ok he can think about whatever. It is so little that I feel humiliated and embarrassed to ask. It is embarrassing to need so little and not getting even that. And sad.



  105.  #105Ella on October 31, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    Looking back I realise that I did not want CD1 to go into my computer…

    I wanted him to fix the power cable… which he did… and that is all I wanted.

    I did NOT want him on my internet or in my programmes and files, however he had heard my concerns about my computer and he wanted to fix it for me…

    And he just started doing it.

    And I was aware that I didn’t want him to and on the other hand I wanted to just trust him and recieve his help… so I said I felt uncomfortable… and I let him continue.

    And then he did go on the internet to download an anti-virus programme for me, that is when he saw my history.

    I feel disappointed in myself as I don’t think I stood up for myself.

    I was afraid to say my boundary. So I kept quiet. And I just kept thinking ‘ah just relax, its all fine’ and now I am realising that I didn’t/don’t feel comfortable with it.

    I felt afraid to say my boundary because I felt frightened of being labelled as weird or not easy going, or not trusting, and of causing a problem or something like that.

    Now I am realising that what I wanted to say is actually ‘Thanks for the power cable and actually I don’t feel comfortable with anyone accessing my computer’ and I just couldn’t do it…

    And I felt conflicted bc I wanted to trust and let him help me too. And also I wanted to find out if computer guy had been remotely accessing my computer… and it looks like he probably was…

    I feel so powerless around my privacy with my computer atm as I seem to need to rely on men to help me with this.

    I really don’t know enough about computers and when I try and read and learn it is all goobly-de-goop to me.

    First there was computer guy, and CD1 said today that it looks as though he was remotly accessing my computer… but the thing that scares me is how do I know CD1 is not doing exactly the same now?

    Finding it so hard to trust right now.

    CD1 did everything in front of me and yet I have no clue what he was doing.

    I just feel so afraid of CDs reading here cus this is where I put all my inner workings, thoughts and feelings.

    MY stuff… My private stuff (well except Sirens are allowed to read). And it is stuff that is not meant for my CDs… it is not meant for the men in my life.

    Including all the crazy stuff that is just processing/riffing and not at all something I would bring to the real dating relationship.

    This inner process is not something that the other person needs to know.

    BUT I WANT to continue posting here, and using it like a journal because it feels so healing for me.

    I guess it all comes back to I can’t control everything and I can’t control CDs and their desire to find out about me or not…

    And it just feels so scary right now like being totally exposed.



  106.  #106Ella on October 31, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    Hmmm I was totally in girl and he was totally in masculine, and yet I was not strong in my boundary with him.

    I find it difficult to have boundaries with him.

    Its weird cus I thought I had this down (boundaries), I find it so easy in general with men to say no, and have boundaries, and it doesn’t bother me.

    And with him it is harder.

    And I am just noticing this.

    Feels a little bit 🙁

    And yet it is all practice.

    Cool, I can practice saying No some more and having stronger boundaries.

    Why do some men throw us off balance more? And does it mean anything good or bad?



  107.  #107Ella on October 31, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    This anxiety feeling reminds me a little of what I fel with J, except slightly less intense…

    I wonder if this is like what Daria talks about with do-over and how we get the same issue again and again with different men and as we heal it, it becomes less intense…

    I struggled with my boundaries with J too.

    And when I did do them I felt so good and strong.

    I am just going to go straight to strong here… as much as I can.

    I remember how free-ing it felt when I did my boundaries and let go of the outcome of what ‘he’ did.

    I stated my boundary anyway and then didn’t worry about if he went away or not (when I was getting it) and that feels so much better.

    Ok Thank You.



  108.  #108Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    when I feel lonely I go shopping.
    I havent been doing that lately tho….
    trying to save some money….
    and it’s forcing me to heal and face some things
    Which is good.



  109.  #109Ella on October 31, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    This is just another form of anxiety…

    Its just another form of NVs and wanting to control.

    I have no control over CD1 and whether he reads here… or any other CD.

    So I can just let it go.

    And so what if they read here… (just playing with this now to see how it feels)… I suppose it doesn’t matter.

    I mean dang if they are that interested… let them read!

    Blech.

    And so what if I am dating… I am not comitted to anyone!!

    Just realised I am feeling guilty about my CD-ing right now.

    Hmmm.

    Hurumph.



  110.  #110Ella on October 31, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    CD1 gave me 2 books today.

    One is very old… 1925. It is a cute little book about dancing.

    Awww.

    You know what I WISH that the darned man in the garage had not said that stuff about him.

    That voice has just lodged itself in my head ‘he is a ladies man and not to be trusted…’ and it results that everything he does for me, my head immediately jumps to ‘oh he does this for all the women cus he knows how to seduce us…’

    Ick. Blurgh.

    It is not fair really.

    Cus if it wasn’t for that his attention feels so good.

    I do manage to shut up tha NV mostly. And I just feel pissed it is there at all!

    Grrrrrumpphhhh.



  111.  #111Ella on October 31, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    Spamming…

    Lol.

    Feels lonely on here tonight.



  112.  #112Katt on October 31, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    Im so far from being ready for this breakup or focusing on myself. I took “a” baby step and took myself on a mini date. Went down to the waterfront and wrote down all these feelings i have weighing me down. I felt a bit better.
    To recap for those who dont know my story, my guy of 2 1/2 yrs put himself on a dating site…then lied about it. I saw the profile and ignored it when he said it wasnt his.. i knew he was lying.. denial denial denial. Nothing changed between us, he wasnt distant, nothing changed, i saw him every week, talked to him everyday, emailed, text’d, their was constant contact. Told me he missed me when he was away from me, didnt want to leave on the night’s he’d come over. So instead of being jealous and hateful, i ignored it and kept it in the back of my mind.
    He has a 14 yr old daughter at home who lives with him full time. She’s had an emotional relationship with her mom and didnt want her dad to “date”, so for 2 yrs we just kept out lives separate. It’s been a huge challenge for me. I did tell him a few times how i felt about this. He listened and assured me he had room in his life for both of us and that when she was ready to give up her hold on her dad, everything would be ok. I think she was afraid she was going to lose him to me, because her mom left her, got remarried and had 2 more kids.
    When i wrote my first post, i didnt explain all the details, i gave the abbreviated version. So i’ve been reading and studying the programs, waiting for my CD’s to arrive for my reconnection program.
    He really is a good man. He lied yes, and thats unexcusable. I dont deserve to be lied to, I know that and so does he. His answer to my finding out about his profile was deflected anger for being found out. I dont want to analyze him. Thats not my job.
    Sad part is im so in love with him and i miss him very much. I sent him one sentence a few days ago, that i didnt want to leave things like this. No response, nothing more from me. We never had an argument about this. He just read what i sent.
    I dont want to give up on this relationship. I am trying to keep busy and work on ME..thinking about joining a gym to get rid of all these thoughts and channel the energy in a positive way. Im just not motivated. Its been 8 days since we’ve spoken or he’s made any kind of contact. I seriously think he’s waiting until enough time has passed.
    All i can say is..im moving forward, but im NOT happy about it. I want my man back, he made me laugh, i loved the way he smelled..gawd..lol but i want a whole relationship, not one sided and not one where im the only one committed. Thanks for making tese last 8 days bearable…I enjoy all the comments and knowledge. IM going to make the programs my bible for the next few weeks whether he calls or not! Thanks everyone!!!
    K~



  113.  #113Ella on October 31, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    What if I just chose the thought that he has my best interest at heart and that he would not access my personal stuff. That he just wants to look after me.

    That I am safe and I don’t have to worry.

    And also that my CDs would not read here cus this is just woman stuff.

    Hmmm.

    Yep, feels a bit better.



  114.  #114Ella on October 31, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    Ok I was feeling weak.

    Yep.

    I am feeling weak.

    And a little vulnerable.

    Yep I am feeling vulnerable.

    And I felt awkward, when he saw that.

    Like OMG, panicky and exposed.

    And that feels like tight across chest and tummy and throat.

    Wow.

    Ok, I love that.

    And that feels like expanding vagina.

    Ow, and you know what after that it felt lusty. So maybe its not so bad.

    Who cares if I was doodling his name, looking him up.

    Right now I feel vulnerable.

    And its ok.

    This will just come and go like all the other feelings.

    And for now it just feels tingly belly.

    And tighty eyes now I am feeling tired.

    And sigh.

    Clicking back and twisted angels.

    Getting feel sleepy. now.

    Tired and loving.

    And soft to self.

    So what, so what, so what!!!

    Its me!!!!

    ITS ME! Deal with it!

    Or don’t.

    Blah.

    Bia7tch doesn’t care anyway.

    And I love the stuff you have given me.

    And I feel sinsecure.

    Scared because you have seen me you will not love me anymore.

    And you and all the others.

    No one will love me if they see me.

    And I love me.

    And I see me.

    And thst feels like tight in throat.

    And I love my book, and my creaky bed.

    And who cares, who cares, who cares.

    My man won’t. Not if he’s for me.

    And I don’t care.

    But iiieccck. What an experience.

    yes.

    And a funny one.

    Lol. Ha ha ha… bless me little cottony ones.

    F8ck it I am gonna love on me. Cus I am lovey and just trying to do right and finding it hard to trust.

    Awww, thanks for looking after me.

    🙂

    Its cool.

    And CD3, he says that it is very important that I feel safe… he wants me to feel safe and I mus do whatever I need to do to feel safe.

    Awww, gotta love these men.

    Feeling tired.

    Heavy legs.

    Tummy releasing, big breath.

    Almost time for bed.

    Let em read, let em read. Stranger Woman says HAHAHAHA cus she laughes at them and waves her crazy hair cus they won’t get us women anwya.

    And thats what we love.

    WAAAAWHAHAH.

    Heavy arm.

    Feeling calmer.

    Slight anxious with work tomorrow and will all be ok.

    I LOVE ME, and ALL my feelings, even awkward.

    BLESS.

    learning so much.

    Owww, get to practice boundaries and taking care of me.

    Re-dos.

    With lovely men.

    Yay.

    And feelings insecure, like I could push them away… but I don’t.

    Cus I am open.

    Still feel embarressed.

    And its ok. I don’t mind.

    I felt embarressed. when.

    Not sure we can talk about things.

    Its ok.

    Lets just see.

    Might bring it up.

    Hmmm,

    I felt embarressed when.

    Maybe.

    NIght sleepy Ella.

    Love you.

    xoxox



  115.  #115Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    113 Ella
    I think this is probably true…this is indeed “girl” stuff and perhaps we, as women, are more inclined to be snoopy and want to read about feelings etc…men not so much.
    I imagine if a “typical” man read on this blog he’d have a brief chuckle at all our rants and move on (bored)



  116.  #116LILI 41 on October 31, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    D changed my tires today. He put on my snow tires. There’s been snow in the upper states and snow up north, snow in the east of us…it’s at our doorstep.
    He was really proud and happy to do that for me. He invited me in for supper.
    He always follows me to my car when I leave, all the way down the driveway to the street. I always found that so sweet, like he doesn’t want me to leave. Well I left really early, like 7:30pm.
    Wanted to make it short and sweet, like he does w me. Never give more than a man gives you like Rori says.

    I came home in time to catch my long lost friend’s phone call…The 1 I reached out to on FB.
    She talked to me as if we never lost touch, no hard feelings whatsoever about letting her go when I couldn’t handle her life at that time. But she got herself back on track.

    She has a new man in her life for 4 months now.
    She still wants a girls night out.
    We also talked about cross country skying in the snow! Yeyyy!!!

    I talked about these snow paths I heard of, where we can walk up the mountain in snow shoes at night, it’s lit up. When we get on top, we have a view of the city night lights. Cooool!!!

    I’m so glad I reached out to her! 🙂

    We had gone sliding down a hill on crazy carpets one winter a few years ago, where we had a crazy great time and made people laugh.
    Two 36 year old crazy ladies sliding down a snowhill on a Sunday night in the dark under the spot light.
    We hit a jump the kids had built and went flying in the air and landed on our backs.
    We could have hurt ourselves badly, but luckily only a few minor bruises.
    When people saw that we were OK, they started laughing their heads off, and so did we. 😀

    Yey Lili for taking care of you, forgiving yourself and getting your fun friend back !!!



  117.  #117LILI 41 on October 31, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    And I have a funny snow hat with long tales that fly in the wind when I slide down the hill. 😀

    I love to make people laugh. 😀



  118.  #118LILI 41 on October 31, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    At that insiring wedding I went to, I was around a couple that enjoy clowning around together. They made each other laugh.

    I want that for me. I love clowning around. I will be blessed by their presence again at my job’s Xmas party. It’s so much fun to watch them together.
    They always tease each other and giggle together. They look so connected.
    It’s inspiring to be around them. 🙂



  119.  #119Susan on October 31, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    Ella:

    Please don’t beat yourself up about not having a strong boundary about CD1 accessing your programs and browsing history. If the other guy had put spyware on your PC, he could be not only reading what you write, but also getting your bank passwords. May I suggest that when you have the money, take the PC down to a computer shop and have them specifically search for spyware and key logger programs? Give yourself some peace of mind.

    My ex husband put spyware and a key logger on our daughter’s PC. It was very hard to get off. I had to back everything up and then wipe the disk and re-install everything. The PC worked with the key logger, but it was very slow and my girl’s privacy was compromised.



  120.  #120Lucy on October 31, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    I don’t understand what Rori means when she says the relationship is easy although the working through may not be easy. Seems to me that the working through is part of the relationship. So I don’t see it as two separate things… which means a relationship with the right man may not be easy. And honestly, I know a coach who Rori also knows whose relationship has not been easy but they believe they are right for each other. So I feel confused. Help?



  121.  #121T-Girl on October 31, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    Lucy – for me this last part of the article says it all:

    “Therefore – the “working through” may not be easy because it requires US looking inside and exposing ourselves and rising above our OWN defenses and comfort level!

    But the RELATIONSHIP is EASY”

    My take is when it seems like it is not easy it is because it is my garbage that I have to work through – not the relationship’s. That part has been easy – but it has been bringing up some garbage for me but thank goodness my guy is still there even with the garbage.



  122.  #122Lucy on October 31, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    Thanks T-girl. So you think that when Rori says the relationship is easy she just means that the guy keeps loving you and being with you?



  123.  #123T-Girl on October 31, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    Yes, it may be difficult to talk about with each other, but it isn’t drawn out drama, fights, etc. It is more about communication and growing together in the relationship.



  124.  #124T-Girl on October 31, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    When I think about my relationship with my ex-husband, to me that was like “work”. It took way too much work. Not easy at all.



  125.  #125Lucy on October 31, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    Hmm. Well, the relationship coach I’m thinking of, and all the people I know in loving, successful relationships, would say that good intimate relationships DO take work and are not always easy. So I’m not sure if people are just using words and phrases differently or what… Am I the only one who is confused about the word choices here?



  126.  #126T-Girl on October 31, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    I think perhaps it is word choice. No, it isn’t always easy because of the “stuff” that comes up. And that is when your comfort level gets tested which is not easy at all. I guess how you deal with that stuff together, how often it comes up, etc. are all factors in determining if the work is worth it overall and in general is the relationship easy or is it too much work?



  127.  #127Mel on October 31, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    Wow… ok… a LOT has happened this past week with architect.

    Firstly, he’s been trying to see me at every opportunity. In the past week, he took me out to a fancy restaurant (where his nephew happened to work) and had no trouble introducing me. He was also mentioning that he was telling his sister about how I do ballet and that now she wants to take a class too (so he’s talking about me to his sister…).

    Then, later in the week, we had coffee together.

    On Friday I was out of town, visiting friends and having a blast at a Halloween party. I came back Saturday afternoon, and he asked if I would like to have a low-key evening and he could pick up takeout and we could watch movies at his place. When I arrived, he had a beautiful bouquet of flowers for me too! 🙂 We cuddled during the movie and he was a perfect gentleman.

    It was late and he asked if I would like to spend the night. I said… how part of me felt like “yes” and part of me felt like “no.” and we had a great conversation about intimacy. I was a true siren and spoke in feeling messages, but I was also very clear in my boundaries. The best part is that in my heart I felt like it didn’t matter what the outcome was… that I could and would walk if his interests did not match my own. I felt powerful.

    I expressed how I was simply not interested in casual sex, that I don’t sleep with just anyone and that sex, for me requires (at minimum) trust and respect to be fulfilling. That I wasn’t interested in being intimate with someone who was dating other women. That I only date, not have sex with, men who date others.

    I was also completely honest and said that I was still feeling a tiny bit hesitant with him because of the “photo” incident early on. I told him how I don’t want to feel insecure and like I can’t be myself. That sometimes I like not wearing makeup or just wearing grubby clothes, and I want to be with a partner that doesn’t care. That accepts me for who I am. I said that I am happy with my appearance and that I don’t want to be in the business of convincing someone to find me attractive. Because I don’t have to convince. I am attractive.

    Anyway, he was sooooo open to my honesty and we talked a lot. He said he was happy to hear that I don’t take sex lightly. He told me that since we started dating, he has had absolutely no desire to see anyone else (and hasn’t). He told me that I should take all the time I need, that he’s willing to wait for me to feel ready.

    He also told me that he was going to take his Match profile down because that was something he wanted to do, but that he didn’t expect any commitment from me to do likewise.

    Then he apologized profusely for the photo incident. Said he felt so stupid for judging. That he should have at least met me once in person before coming to any decision. That he deeply regretted it. That once I put up photos on my profile, he looked at them often and wished he hadn’t been such an idiot… but thought he’d have absolutely no chance with me. That he was so shocked and surprised and elated to receive an email from me (on an unrelated matter) and did not want to let me get away again. That when he met me he thought I was so incredibly adorable and furthermore an amazing person.

    This morning I got a forwarded email from him showing his cancellation confirmation from Match. He had written: “Like I said yesterday, I chose to do this. It is a sign of my serious interest in you Mel…”

    All I can say is wow. I am very, very surprised. This is what a step-up man looks like.

    And I’m liking how I feel around him. Relaxed and easy and like nothing matters. This is good.



  128.  #128Emerson on October 31, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    I feel like I’m never going to “get it”…I feel blah and discouraged about my online dating prospects..
    Ok so it’s only been a couple days…but I can’t seem to get excited about any of these guys. They’re not my type AT ALL. Maybe I just like jerks and hot guys that are players and I’m doomed.

    Maybe I’m like that girl Rachel Uchitel when she was on Dr. Drew for love addiction…and she cannot be in a relationship unless it has some intensity and chemistry….well that’s me. Actually when I watched that show I related to her alot. I felt a lot of compassion for her.

    I feel scared that I’ll always need that excitement and chemistry…. and I don’t know it seems like that’s wrong….I feel confused….and it DOES feel hard.



  129.  #129Lucy on October 31, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    Emerson – chemistry, excitement, and intensity can be wonderful aspects of a healthy relationship… especially if you are a smart, passionate person who lives life to the fullest. My relationship now is not as exciting as the one with a previous guy I was into, but it is still exciting. And it is secure and loving (as well as having chemistry and intensity). It’s not always easy… but the love and dedication is always there.



  130.  #130Starla on October 31, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    Sooo I couldn’t carry that dresser thing home after all. I called Crack Fix and he came right over, yay thank goodness. We managed to pull ourselves apart after 20 or 30 minutes together, mostly because I had plans to meet with someone. I think that’s our new world record for shortest amount of time spent together.

    He said if I had just called him to ask bim to walk me from the apartment building door to my apartment door, he would drop everything and be right over. He was exaggerating, of course, but it felt so sweet to hear. This may very well be the first man I actually BELIEVE I can count on. Imagine that.



  131.  #131Starla on October 31, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    Urgh I wish I had carried it home anyway, but I know it just wan’t a realistic endeavor once I was faced with it. I want to be little miss independent. Maybe I can carry a whole big bunch of groceries home on my own on Wednesday night. Then I will feel all balanced again:)

    I am learning that I don’t want to always fall back on my man to take care of things even though he happily would. Even though it “makes life easier” for me. I feel good taking care of myself, even doing the harder things that could be avoided like hauling groceries. something doesn’t sit right in me about always letting someone else lessen your challenges. I can do *most* of the time, but it’s not in my personality to be a helpless princess ALL of the time.

    I didn’t even know this about myself until I started dating a man who would legitimately help me with anything at all just to make my life easier. Men helped me before but there was also some sort of string attached, even if it was just their eventual resentment. This is just sincere lending a hand to someone he cares about, because it makes him happy to be there for her. I actually have the space this way to decide how much of that I need and like for once, and figure out just how independent I desire to be in a relationship.



  132.  #132Starla on October 31, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    Wow Mel, cool!

    UR a rockin siren. I love reading your posts and seeing what’s happening with you.



  133.  #133English Woman on November 1, 2011 at 12:27 am

    SLV

    Thanks for the post re the cards for a sick person and the 😳

    😀



  134.  #134English Woman on November 1, 2011 at 12:29 am

    SLV/Emerson

    I have gone back to my real age on Smooch as I didn’t feel too good lying, though I would prefer not to be categorised as in the over 55’s category :), I don’t want to start out on the wrong foot, but who knows I can change it anytime, I like that. 🙂



  135.  #135English Woman on November 1, 2011 at 12:34 am

    People who are depressed are living in the past.
    People who are anxious are living in the future.
    People who are at peace, are living in the now.

    Laughing Goddess I love this!! x



  136.  #136English Woman on November 1, 2011 at 12:52 am

    #127 MEL!!!

    WOWSER!!!! You are a Siren in action, it has been so inspirational to see you emerge from the cocoon you were in with your ex husband and emerge into this beautiful butterfly. 🙂



  137.  #137English Woman on November 1, 2011 at 12:57 am

    #131 Starla

    I would so appreciate a man to help me fix up the flatpack wardrobe sitting on my living room floor that I haven’t a hope in hell of putting together once I saw the instructions and the zillion parts. 🙁

    Next time around I am going to be more appreciative of somebody doing something for me as apparently it makes a man feel good to be the hero, wish I had known all this stuff many years ago.



  138.  #138Ella on November 1, 2011 at 2:08 am

    Susan re 119

    Yes I will. Thank you.

    xoxox



  139.  #139Daria on November 1, 2011 at 3:31 am

    Well I we t out for holloween . On the bus accompanied by my guy neighbor. I walked so much and eventually got to broadway where I changed into my costume and hot some compliments. It was a hood holloween on broadway like I never seen it.

    Also got a call from Dman while on the bus.

    Feeling sleepy!

    I was feelin like I mite be gettin sick again and I don’t want to.



  140.  #140Daria on November 1, 2011 at 3:37 am

    One guy was like r u a model for holloween? Aww

    Another one said he liked my legs

    I was actually feelin kinda scared that they would try to pick on my guy friend. Who was with me.

    I felt kinda scared a bit self conscious to fully flirt



  141.  #141Butterfly Wings on November 1, 2011 at 3:51 am

    20: Tiffany – I spent the last almost 20 years bailing my ex husbands out financially, and to finally have someone in my life who wants to shower me with beautiful gifts feels sooooo amazing!

    Like you, I’ve wanted that too, and I’m still walking on a cloud and I’m not sure I’ll come off it for a while. I’m still not allowed to wear my bracelet because my birthday is still 7 sleeps away… but TH did indicate that I could maybe wear it out on Friday night!

    I’m thinking he’s going to like the fact that I’m going to be showing everybody and that they’ll obviously be highly impressed! 🙂 Love it!



  142.  #142Esteemed on November 1, 2011 at 3:52 am

    My first chance to read another insightful article by Rori, my hero! 🙂



  143.  #143Esteemed on November 1, 2011 at 4:00 am

    After a month of preparation, today is the first day I’ll officially be living at my new house! And this Saturday I’ll bring my 100 feet of fence, king size bed, and the remainder of my belongings!

    Let it go down in the history of Rori’s epic blog that Esteemed started her new life on 11-1-11! Or for you European beauties, 1-11-11, :LOL:



  144.  #144Femininewoman on November 1, 2011 at 6:29 am

    Mel I felt my arms and just melting just reading what you wrote about Architect. If only we could all believe that it is this easy and that there are more of those men out there. Just last night I had a girlfriend saying so many men out there are bad.
    Thanks for giving the rest of us hope.



  145.  #145Femininewoman on November 1, 2011 at 7:04 am

    ive no idea I believe this might be what you are looking for.

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/you-can-date-other-men-but-he-cant-date-other-women-is-that-fair/

    It seems that Mel’s Architect is also showing that men are comfortable doing this.



  146.  #146Mel on November 1, 2011 at 7:12 am

    Thanks FW, EW, and Starla!

    I feel happy and not crack addicted. With him, I feel like when he’s not around I can be happy taking care of myself. It feels really comfortable.

    On Sunday, he asked if I would come with him on a drive to the country to pick up a cool antique bedroom suite that he was buying. He has exquisite taste and a very cool collection of retro designer furniture. He’s also designed his entire house, which is a work in progress, and it is filled with his own art pieces. I love his style and creativity, as I am a very artistic person myself.

    When I was helping him move the stuff out of the lady’s farm house, she commented: “You two make such a good team. I’ve never seen two people work so well together.” It was a challenge because the furniture pieces were quite large and her stairwell/hallways were narrow, but we managed.

    Later, he wrote to me that he couldn’t have done it without me and I made his day. He also said he feels so good spending time with me. He’s looking forward to having lots and lots of adventures, silly fun and quiet drives in the future.

    I feel content.



  147.  #147Mel on November 1, 2011 at 7:18 am

    145:

    Yeah, I found that interesting. That he specifically said he doesn’t require a similar commitment from me.

    It appears his strategy to step-up and pre-book my time as often as possible makes it difficult for other men to make up any ground though! LOL Smart man! 🙂 I think he senses I am “difficult.”

    I don’t know that I will actively look for “dates” at this point. I have a lot of guy friends who really enjoy my company and a few “less step-up” men that take me out from time to time, so it will be easy to CD. I also have a million things going on in my life that make me happy to do on my own. I certainly will never be waiting around at home waiting for him to call.



  148.  #148Femininewoman on November 1, 2011 at 7:24 am

    “Stop thinking of him as the Fountain Of Love that you have to “go to” to get your bowl filled.
    Switch to the thought that you Don’t Want him to be your Fountain Of Love and you Don’t Want to go over to him to get your bowl filled.
    Fountains don’t water other things and people – fountains water THEMSELVES.
    So, instead, picture YOURSELF as YOUR OWN Fountain Of Love, flowing water all over yourself, loving yourself, caring for yourself.
    This will help you with that aching feeling of not getting what you want from your man.
    And – it will do something else.
    Your man will notice that you’re no longer looking to him for love.
    He’ll notice you being YOUR OWN Fountain Of Love.
    And he’ll come over to GET love from YOU.
    He’ll start hanging around to get love from YOUR Fountain.
    And here’s the last step in this “Thought Switch.”
    Switch to the thought that you DON’T WANT a man who JUST wants to drink out of YOUR Fountain of Love.
    So, to even get near you, he’ll have to turn himself into the Watering Can Of Love, and KEEP YOUR FOUNTAIN FILLED TO OVERFLOWING!
    How’s that for a picture?
    I know it’s a leap.
    To go from HIM doing absolutely nothing to doing absolutely EVERYTHING – but that’s how it works.
    The Fountain image gives your self-esteem a boost.
    And as your self-esteem goes up, your confidence goes up.
    And YOUR CONFIDENCE will get his ATTENTION – without your having to DO anything!”
    Love, Rori



  149.  #149Senior Lady Vibe on November 1, 2011 at 7:45 am

    @134: English Woman says:
    “…SLV/Emerson
    I have gone back to my real age on Smooch as I didn’t feel too good lying, though I would prefer not to be categorised as in the over 55′s category…”

    I think exploring and experimenting is a good thing. Hmmm, I might take a cruise over to Smooch… does it operate in the U.S. too?

    What are the age categories on Smooch?

    I’ve read somewhere a discussion (does anyone remember the source?) about presenting TWO ages: registering one age used to place our profiles in a particular search category and then the “real” age in the personal profile. This is to keep our profile within desired the search parameters. Is this possible on Smooch?

    😀
    xoxo



  150.  #150Senior Lady Vibe on November 1, 2011 at 7:51 am

    @146: Mel says:
    “…When I was helping him move the stuff out of the lady’s farm house, she commented: “You two make such a good team. I’ve never seen two people work so well together.” It was a challenge because the furniture pieces were quite large and her stairwell/hallways were narrow, but we managed….”

    I love this kind of fun. And they are great bonding experiences. Yay!

    😀

    xoxo



  151.  #151marina on November 1, 2011 at 7:55 am

    Hmm, I might put up a picture of a fountain in my house somewhere to remind me!

    Yeah, exactly the way Rori describes it: a fountain that is pooring water as little golden and red hearts over a woman. And then a man standing close to her and pooring water in to the fountain, like an image of Aquarius

    Hmm, perhaps I can make it myself somehow…Drawing it or with clay or photoshop.

    Haha, and just another creative thing on my todolist..

    Love it!
    😀



  152.  #152marina on November 1, 2011 at 8:01 am

    @Mel, that sounds wonderful!
    Feeling happy for you!

    @ Esteemed! Yes, I think that today is a wonderful day to start something new! Good for you!

    I want to start something new too, just don’t want to be open about it yet. Somehow I am so open about a lot of things, they slip right through me before I can let them come to life.

    Feeling happy and excited though 🙂



  153.  #153marina on November 1, 2011 at 8:19 am

    I have moved my bed 180 degrees and sleep much better now.

    Not really good according to Feng Shui, since the bed is standing right in the middle of the door and the window, but I have no more headaches.

    There is a lot of cold coming from the wall (North West) where the top of my bed used to be.

    I am thinking about putting up some pretty tapestry or cloth up there, something with a big heart as a blanket against the cold.

    Went on a dowsing tour this Saturday and they told us about leylines (power lines and powercentres within the earth, lots of churches, palaces and governmental buidings are build on ley centres, for example Glastonbury Tower but also governmental buildings in The Hague. Probably this knowledge has been around for ages, same as Feng Shui, but in the West people tend not to be open about it).

    Funny thing is at different leycentres I would feel different chakra’s being triggered.

    At one of the leycentres, close to the altar of a big church, my 2nd chakra was triggered immensely and I felt a bit annoyed bc I felt so much sexual energy and felt aroused and didn’t want to show that to the group!

    At another one my 3rd chakra was triggered and I felt nervous and my stomach was cramped.

    I felt best at another church where my 7th chakra was triggered. I felt very grounded with my feet and could feel the energy flow through my entire body to the top of my head.

    There is also something called waterveins. These are places that feel cold and make you feel miserable and sometimes even sick.

    I am not really sure if I should believe all of this, even though I could feel it in my body.

    I do think there might be a watervein on that side of my bedroom.

    Let’s see if I continue to sleep better now! 🙂



  154.  #154marina on November 1, 2011 at 8:23 am

    More information on Leylines (in English) can be found here:

    http://www.leylijnen.com/leylines.htm



  155.  #155Camille on November 1, 2011 at 8:36 am

    Oh dear Sirens,
    last night in the middle of a good open talk. I felt hurt by something T said and started to cry then “attacked” …defended myself and then walked out the door…………it wasnt good. I didnt use my tools. I feel bad. I havent had that happen to me for so long and I “fell off the wagon.”

    I feel like I’m back to square one. Wondering if I will be able to deal with things differently when I get hurt.



  156.  #156Camille on November 1, 2011 at 8:38 am

    I took what he said so personally and I know it triggered me because of past hurt. I feel like I have to go to work to “repair” the damage. But Im not going to……….I have to forgive myself first.



  157.  #157Camille on November 1, 2011 at 8:43 am

    Any suggestion from all of you wonderfully gifted Sirens???

    Im feely panicky



  158.  #158tinque on November 1, 2011 at 8:58 am

    Camille – A good man, one who is good for you, will know you were just being a girl, and women can be emotional creatures outwardly sometimes. Most men would see this outburst as simply that, and move on, incident forgotten.

    Many coaches, myself included, subscribe to the notion that you can’t say the wrong thing to the right man. I have found this to be true.

    So please try not to fret over this. If he harbors a grudge, then he’s not the one for you.

    And it’s okay to apologize if you think it’s warranted.

    “I feel so badly about what came out of my mouth last night. I wish I hadn’t.”

    When this happened to me in the past, I often would ask for a do over too.

    xxoo



  159.  #159GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 9:01 am

    Absolutely brilliant, Rori. Brilliance and truth are always so simple… and usually hard to notice, till you hear them, then you can’t any longer *not* see them. Like feeling energy, as subtle as the breeze that stirs only the tiny hairs on your face… hardly ever noticed, but once felt, never unnoticeable again.



  160.  #160GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 9:03 am

    Wow, I wrote that before I even read Marina’s comments about feeling energy in her chakras and about leylines. Must be what’s up right now. Good comments, Marina, thank you for sharing all that!



  161.  #161Camille on November 1, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Thanks Tinque, I know that is all true, I dont think hes harboring a grudge I just feel angry at myself for allowing it to happen. Makes me feel weak. And I do need to apologize…….I said mean things.



  162.  #162GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 9:06 am

    #153 Marina And btw, I TOTALLY relate to all this! Many many thanks for sharing. I’m moving into my winter bedroom in this cold house bc it’s tiny/cozy & easier to heat, and am figuriing out exactly where to put my bed, etc.



  163.  #163GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 9:09 am

    #161Camille If this hasn’t already been said here, I would tell him how I feel about saying mean things… like, “I feel yukky/tense/floppy/weak/etc that I said mean things to you, and it would feel good to promise myself I’ll ever do that again. But I’m human, and it feels good to know that’s okay. Thank you for being okay with me being human, that feels really wonderful!” Or whatever is true for you…?



  164.  #164GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 9:16 am

    #155 Camille I been falling off that wagon too sometimes… a lifelong issue. We all do, or most of us.

    I have stories, turning points, symbolic objects collected via dream images relating to this same issue… and datng all the way back to my very early years (grew up in an angry home).

    Your humanity is welcome in this world, and maybe consider how you can spread out and comfortable be yourself with all your warts, anger, wagon-falling etc, and know it’s okay. When you really get okay with you, you just automatically stay on the wagon well. Does anybody resonate with this? Can anyone add to this or “correct” it… I know it’s not totally that simple, I still have blind spots. But I love exporing/processing/sharing and growing into all this. Bless you, Camille.



  165.  #165GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 9:17 am

    #158 Tinque You too, Tinque, such good good words 🙂



  166.  #166GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 9:30 am

    #105 Ella I have experienced this also… don’t know *why* everytime some man get around my computer they automatically wanna do stuff to it, change it, check into it, download stuff to it, and get irritated/pushy if I say I don’t want that. Like they start just rolling forward with their own plan for my computer! Lol

    I have sometimes said, “I don;t want to be weird here, but to me, my people doing stuff to my computer is like sex. I need to knnow you well, have a huge amount of longterm built up trust and history with you before I just turn you loose inside my computer! Call me goofy, but I insist you stop doing that and please just ONLY do what I asked you to do, or what I hired you for. And like a car shop, please ASK and clear it with me before you do ANYTHING else. Or it will feel very upsetting for me an in all honesty, I will be angry with you and alientated from you.”



  167.  #167marina on November 1, 2011 at 9:32 am

    Hi GingerSky! 🙂

    Love #159, beautiful and very poetic!

    Glad to hear you can relate!
    I hope you will sleep well in your winter bedroom!

    I have been told it helps to put a rose quartz in your room if there is a watervein.
    I am saving money to buy one 🙂

    XXX



  168.  #168marina on November 1, 2011 at 9:50 am

    I told exBF4 about the leylines and he actually didn’t think I was crazy 🙂
    He told me he knows there are certain places that feel better than others, he thinks it has to do with the magnetic field of the earth.
    Which means it might be scientifically proven!

    My youngest brother (studying fysics and astronomy) on the other hand told me I should create a BS radar bc I tend to believe everything that sounds new.

    Instead of saying, I feel offended, I said, OK, will you teach me?

    He told me to look up James Randi, Penn and Teller or Michael Shermer.

    It feels great not to argue, discuss, explain or defend myself but be open to new knowledge 🙂



  169.  #169Ella on November 1, 2011 at 9:59 am

    Gingersky re 166,

    Yes that is it exactly!!

    Men always want to do that on my computer.

    I just kinda sat there and didn’t know what to say… (was also quite distracted by the kissing and cuddling 🙂 )

    I like what you say and may use that in future…

    I still feel like a total goof that he saw I was searching his name.

    Have been feeling icky every time I think about that.



  170.  #170Camille on November 1, 2011 at 10:08 am

    Thank you Ginger Sky ……. Im really trying to figure out the “core” of why that triggered me so much. When I put myself outside as a observer. It was quite an overreaction to the situation which tells me it has to do with something else. My first instinct is old baggage, NV’s. I was hurt so I wanted to hurt him back before he really got me good. I havent reacted like that in such a long time.

    This isnt about him……He called me earlier and didnt even mention it. Im just startled by my reaction. I need to heal something…..I do know that.



  171.  #171GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 10:33 am

    #169 Camille I would so not feel icky about him knowing I was searching his name… it is you taking care of yourself, finding out what you need in order to be safe etc… and imo if he’s any kind of a good and decent man, he will be more then fine with it, understand it, and even applaud and prehaps be complimented by it!

    If he has any problem with it, then it’s a bad sign about who he is inside. I know it’s embarassing for you, but I’d be proud I did it, and proud though not glad he saw it, and stand IN MY POWER. Be okay with you, and avoid approval-seeking and “pleasing behaviors” bc those are big ways that we give up our power and step out of our power.

    (As for men reading this blog, that seems really undesirable and kinda scary to me too… I for one *need* this *private* woman’s place to say anything I want to… need the community and learning of this greatly… it has been quantum-ly healing and revolutionizing for me! BUT I stand in my power and as long as I’m not seeking any man’s approval for being my real gritty confused, honest, emotional growthy woman self, I do not care, and will defend verbally and energetically my right to say what I want and need to. Wherever I need to, up to a point. I will not be cornered, controlled, dominated any longer in order to please, avoid loneliness, gain acceptance etc… at least not when I notice Im doing it, and not unless I’ve consciously chosen it for a healthy and calculated reason/risk that serves me.

    I know men could get on here and not tell us they did it… but barring that, which is out of our control, I wouldn’t worry about it. (You could use that as a way of describing to the next computer-enterer-man that you are in a woman’s group in which we talk on and on about our feelings all the time, and you’d prefer it to be private… that oughta turn them off, lol. Then they’d just likely be liking the fact that you;re taking care of you… that’s kind of the result I’ve gotten around here w guys when I mention I’m in a woman’s group online.)

    To the men who get into our computers, I wanna say: Thank you for caring about me and my computer. That feels really good. And thank you for your expertise you’ve spent time in learning, and for your intelligence and your manly helping and rescuing of me… BUT STAY OUT OF MY INNER SANCTUM!!! Unless and only when I invite you in, on a case by case basis. That is all. (Makes me think of the Vagina Monologues… my computer is kind of a vagina & sacral chakra for me! Leave it alone unless I offer it to you, sir! Lol)



  172.  #172GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Camille, so good you’re seeing that, emotions needing to heal. Encourages me toward same.

    I wanna talk more w you about why our dynamics w some men make us step out of our power so automatically and fully… I may be able to offer insights and see if you can add to what I see… but I have v limited time right now. Maybe later… please remind me if you want.

    Rori, your blog entry today made me think of maybe what you described is what all the fairy tales of men slaying a dragon on a long uncolfortable journey are really all about. Hmmm… feels good to think of this…



  173.  #173GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 10:45 am

    Btw everyone, I got close to NSM again, got burned some again, and am now actively on OKCupid, and have my first CD coffee date this week. I finally did it!

    It’s with a witty, eclectic, humorous, dry, lovely fun man… we’ve acknowledged it will only be a friendship, but we’ll both enjoy practicing on each other and spending some fun time in some hopefully good company.

    I hope you are all proud of me and thanks for your encouragement… kisses to whoever it was here who said they talked about OKCupid before. It pretty much rocks beyond all the others for me. There’s not a cartolad of men I like on there, but I’ve seen a couple of great ones in far away places, so I have hope, and I held myself accountable to practice etc, bc if you ladies can do it and it works, I can and should do it too… letting my boy energy support my girl energy.. scared, like sliding down a big long sliding board, but here goes. Worst that can happen is an embarassing moment or two, right?



  174.  #174Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 10:53 am

    I feel icky seeing EMK mention in his newsletter that “the s*x was hot” with his former gf. I would feel bad as a wife if my husband wrote that abt a former relationship.



  175.  #175Senior Lady Vibe on November 1, 2011 at 11:16 am

    @155: Camille says:
    ” …defended myself and then walked out the door…………it wasnt good. I didnt use my tools…”

    If you walked away, you did use a tool; walking away is a tool you used. You also “defended” yourself: expressed yourself, even if it wasn’t your favorite way to do it.

    Give yourself some hugs.

    xoxo



  176.  #176Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 11:29 am

    Daria, I have been confused abt something. I’ve noticed you writing a good bit abt asking men for things… but I thought Rori had said (Modern Siren or ebook??) that we should not ask… instead we should express our feelings (she used trash example: “oh this trash feels heavy. i don’t want to take it out myself.” rather than asking him “will you pls take out the trash?”) So I feel confused and am wondering what i am missing here…. bc I know you know Rori’s stuff so well. What do you think?



  177.  #177Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 11:41 am

    FW… the quote abt male/female connection which you described as shocking… was that from the “Intimacy” book that Rori likes? What do u think this means then? i feel puzzled and intrigued. i wonder what Rori would say abt that quote. Rori, would love to hear your take on the “shocking” quote. 🙂



  178.  #178Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 11:51 am

    When it happened to me I interpreted it as him wanting me to take care of his feelings (ick) but maybe the quote suggests a different interpretation: him wanting to take the lead in the relationship. In that case, Starla’s suggestion not only “works” but also *fits* with his intent in sharing… so her idea is not “damage control” but simply responding to what he is trying to do. (We say: “Thanks for sharing your feelings. What do you think we should do?”) 🙂 Yay!



  179.  #179Evan Marc Katz on November 1, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Hey, Lucy… It’s my 3rd anniversary today an thankfully, my wife isn’t as sensitive as you are about this stuff. The past is the past. Talking about pros and cons of past relationships doesn’t change our blissful present.

    This should be a really good learning opportunity for Sirens who get “triggered” by me to learn to accept men as we are. We have pasts. We’ve been with lots of women – some of whom are more attractive or smarter or funnier than you. But we chose YOU to marry. So what difference does it make, acknowledging that truth? I don’t mention this every day to her. In fact, I only bring it up to illustrate a point in a newsletter that will help empower women to not put up with crumbs from men. Surely, my wife understands my motivations for doing this.

    Ultimately, you make a big deal about things like this, they become a big deal. But if you choose not to police him for verbalizing his thoughts, you’ll have a very happy man on your hands, who will feel like he can be himself at all times.

    Isn’t that what you are looking for? A man who accepts ALL of you? Try giving him the same courtesy in return and judge him for his love and devotion to you – not the fact that he can still acknowledge that other women are beautiful.

    Thanks, as always, for listening and being part of the conversation.

    The much-maligned but always caring, EMK. 🙂



  180.  #180Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 11:57 am

    So… 1. He shares feelings. 2. I recognize that he is doing so as a way of taking the lead. 3. I honor and cooperate with his desire and efforts to take the lead by saying “Thank you. What do you think we should do?” 4. He comes up with a plan and I appreciate him for it. 🙂



  181.  #181Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Hey Evan. Thanks for your response. Yep, I am sensitive (as opposed to insensitive) and so is my man. Not a bad thing. It just means that a man like you wouldn’t be the right man for me and a woman like your wife wouldn’t be the right woman for him. I am totally cool with accepting men the way they are. 🙂 Happy anniversary.



  182.  #182Evan Marc Katz on November 1, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    Glad we can agree on something, Lucy, but I have one last point to make:

    My wife can be the right woman for ANY guy. That’s the versatility that comes with being THAT patient and accepting. I’m not saying YOU should be that way, but the reason I use her as a paradigm for my advice is because I’ve yet to meet a man who is looking for a woman who is MORE sensitive about, say, ex-girlfriends.

    There’s tremendous power in letting men be fully themselves…and walking away if you’re not happy with what you see.

    That’s pretty much my entire message, right there. 🙂



  183.  #183Femininewoman on November 1, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Lucy the quote is from the book.



  184.  #184Femininewoman on November 1, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    RE 179 EMK I have to say that I have experienced what you say here.



  185.  #185Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Hmm. Interesting response, Evan. I am sure I am just as accepting and patient as your wife is – we just want different things in a man/relationship, that’s all. Yes, acceptance and patience do make women such as your wife and me desirable to a lot of men. But other values and desires and needs and qualities determine whether we are actually a good match with someone. A lot of men would prefer me to your wife and a lot of men would prefer your wife to me… which is great! Everyone is different. 🙂



  186.  #186Susan on November 1, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    EMK,

    I have a comment to make… not an argument. I just want to share an experience I had with my man last week. In a moment of him feeling quite happy with himself and his.. um, performance (which was stellar!) he said that if he was younger, he would cheat on me. Not because I didn’t fulfill his needs, but because he had a lot of that kind of energy when he was younger.

    What I heard was: “I’d cheat on you now, if I wasn’t so old” (63).

    I’d have to admit that wasn’t the most cherished thing I’ve heard come out of his mouth.

    Yes, I accept him for the way he is. But sometimes the way he is… is hurtful. Whether he means it or not. In his mind, he was probably feeling good about his abundant sexual energy and only expressing that. But that isn’t really what he said. What he said was something that I really wish he had NOT said. This isn’t a make-or-break issue for us. It was an unkind thing for him to say, though.

    Just because a woman is patient and accepting doesn’t mean she is deaf. Or didn’t notice…



  187.  #187English Woman on November 1, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Need some help Sirens with ways to answer men on the dating sites………..

    1) On Smooch men can send you the equivalent of winks…you know a couple of virtual flowers, am I supposed to ignore them because as a Siren I need a decent thought out message?

    2) One guy on Smooch with no photo said he is sad I have filtered him out and would I like to see his youtube video and do I feel intrigued?? 😳 will this be a dick pic/flick LOL!!?

    3) One ättractive guy wayyy back on POF said just WOW, and I said back to him WOW to you too, never heard another word now it is about 6 weeks later and he has asked me do I ever go to xxxxx local pub, should I say something like “Not yet, are you asking?” Nooo that is too lean forwardy what about “Not yet” or……….”No, but there is always a first time”………….God this RR way of doing things is SO DIFFICULT LOL!!

    Looking for help here ladies, I really do need to line some CD’s up. I see that for sure after reading about Mel the Siren this morning who has come from out of her cocooness into full shining butterfly loveliness. 🙂



  188.  #188English Woman on November 1, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    BTW none of these men live in my actual town so they would have to travel to meet this Siren in my home town, also this other guy has messaged me 3 times……….

    4) ur very sexy dare u txt me on xxxxxxxxxxx kev

    Do I even bother? Sigh…………….



  189.  #189Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Susan, that’s interesting. I think if my man had said that to me I would think he meant “If I was younger I would cheat on you bc I was a selfish jerk back then. So glad I’m not that way anymore!”



  190.  #190Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    People often don’t mean things the way they “sound” to us… which is why Rori’s communication tools are so helpful in expressing how we feel and our boundaries. <3



  191.  #191Femininewoman on November 1, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Susan the way I see it is in the context of what I read in the intimacy book. He was feeling pleased with himself so he wanted to show it off to the world in a look at me kind of way. The writer says that women don’t understand that about men because we don’t experience that type of feeling. He said what he said in the best way he knew how. I am sure it was not his intention to hurt you and as Rori says we can choose to frame things the way we want to – be it positive or negative. I am sure he could not replicate that with every woman out there so I would encourage you to take it as a complement that you bring out the best in him.



  192.  #192Mel on November 1, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Thanks EW, you’re a sweetheart!

    When I was on Match, if a guy winked, I would reciprocate in kind. Then often I would get a lengthy email back. I think some guys use this as a way to test the waters to see if they even have a chance.

    As for the pub comment, I might say something like “No, actually. Do you recommend it?” Or “No, I’ve not tried that place, but ________ is one of my favorites.”

    As for the youtube guy, it’s sort of view at your own risk. I’ve had guys send me external links before, just because i think they weren’t comfortable putting their pics up on the site but wanted a way to show interested ladies what they looked like. But his “do you feel intrigued” comment makes me feel a little suspicious… but who knows! I guess I sort of feel intrigued. Maybe I might say, “I feel curious, but also a little hesitant to click on your link. Can you tell me more about the video?”

    But really, I don’t know what the f*ck I’m doing, and often just wing-it… I just do what feels best and most authentic to me. After all, I’m the one that’s gotta be happy! 🙂



  193.  #193ive no idea on November 1, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    feminine women

    thank you for that much appreciated



  194.  #194T-Girl on November 1, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Fw, what is the name of the intimacy book you are referring to?



  195.  #195Vicky on November 1, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Rory, can we say things like ” I feel lonely and sad I haven’t heard from you all week.” ?? is that still the right way to express our feeling? Or what about “I want to see you, I want to be with you.” Are we still communicating correctly if we say it like this? or “I dont want a man who is so distant.” ?? Can I say this and still be using your rules?



  196.  #196Patricia on November 1, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    Lucy I totally agree. I had this situation many times with men and usually reacted out of my first thought. This time with this new man last night I used the tools. He and I do a lot of txting and I said to him “Guess what I’m going to be for Halloween?” and he replied back “A broke a$$ mom.” I felt a bit defensive and all my walls went up as he is the one that has been paying for everything and invited me and the kids to this fun event on Wed where he would be the one paying. My first instinct was to start the whole “well if you dont like paying for everything…” but I stopped and then the second instinct was to explain and apologize. “im sorry you’ve been paying for everything and I understand….” ugggg bad habits and NV’s. Then I just spit it out. “Okay; had to take a sec and compose myslef but when you said broke a$$ mom I felt a bit defensive. You have been really sweet and generous.” (end no explaining; no sorry for feeeling that way, no I understand. just simple) His response blew me out of the water. “Nooo I am soo sorry and that was so insensitive of me, Me and the guys have a running joke at work that we were going to dress up as “broke a$$ bankers”. Now I feel guilty and I wasnt even thinking that.” He continued with “You have no reason to feel self concious about that, your a single mom and you work hard, you love your kids, you are special.” It is so key to try to understand and not assume that you always know what they are thinking. My guy was just kidding but because of my own insecurity I may have blown that so out of the water and reacted..instead i “felt”, satyed “soft” and opened a door. Its great to see these tools work =)



  197.  #197Patricia on November 1, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    English Woman; I have been on match and very successful i think. I have made a few mistakes but dont forget to be willing to do that. Respond whatever way is natural to you. However when he asks if you have been to that pub (bar) then I might say “no I’ve never been before sounds interseting.” this leaves the door open for the invite. when someone winks or sends roses..send them one back and wait…for this guy this may be his o awkward way of saying he’s interested. if you wink back (send roses back) you once again are doing his equivilent and then opening the door for him to email or invite…nothing wrong with a lil wink for a Siren =)) Remember to do what Rori says…stay open and soft, dont expect but enjoy…bring out the siren and flirt away…



  198.  #198Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    Patricia, GREAT story! Thanks for sharing! <3



  199.  #199Patricia on November 1, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Evan: I will be sure to get your book. I have always only had the problem with walking away but have always valued men in general. i love them and their boyish character sometimes and the way they do things and their abilities. The fascinate me at the same time frustrate me to understand. I know this is how they feel about us as well. However if we wanted to date men that were more like women we would love women. We love men and therefore should attempt to understand how they work and not think of the “male” gender in a negative light. Many of them are great, some have some growing up to do and some just dont know what they want. Wow sound more like us every day.
    Now that I know how to walk away and why I should if he is not right for me, I am happier and dating men and only those that are right for me. Wow what work getting there. Still I have a lot to learn for me its now not about attracting or even keeping but how not to run when it gets too close because of my own committment issues “is there better out there”, “does he really care.”, “is he just using me” NV’s everywhere…but Im getting past that too =)
    YAY me Siren



  200.  #200Senior Lady Vibe on November 1, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Chrisette Michele – “I’m A Star”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=my_lMpDCrI0&ob=av2n

    😀
    xoxo



  201.  #201Starla on November 1, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    i’m about to get caught up with everyone’s comments, but first I just wanted to say that I just bought myself EIGHT 70% off vouchers to a great local spa. I am going to be awfully relaxed and purdy this winter. Massage on Sunday, Facial on Tuesday, for starters. I love my life <3



  202.  #202Ella on November 1, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    Gingersky re 173,

    Yay – well done!

    Gor for it.

    xoxox



  203.  #203Ella on November 1, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    Gingersky re 171,

    Thank you so much that is exactly what I was needing to hear right now…

    The stuff about staying in my power and owning it, not trying to explain, justify or people please is exactly where I need to be with this.

    It is sooo easy for me to give my power away like this. I can see where I have done this with men in the past and the negative effect it has always had on the relationship dynamnic and my own self esteem.

    I did what I did to look after me.

    No need to explain to anyone.

    Thanks.

    🙂 xoxox



  204.  #204Ella on November 1, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    Lucy re 178,

    (We say: “Thanks for sharing your feelings. What do you think we should do?”) 🙂 Yay!

    Owww. Yay. Love it!!



  205.  #205Lyka on November 1, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    I haven’t been posting here in a while and I’ve been debating whether I should post or not anymore.

    I wish I could feel as safe as some of you sirens and keep posting as much as I can but I feel blocked at the moment. I feel tense in my shoulder when I think about the way SLV (sorry for speaking about you in the third person, SLV) reacted to what I meant to be an encouraging comment. I felt rejected and unworthy again.

    I would like to be able to post without feeling like my words are being distorted.



  206.  #206Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    Don’t Put Off Procrastinating, Procrastinate Right Now!
    Chapter 11 is only one paragraph, but books could be written about the phenomenon it describes. Look in the self-help section of the book store, you’ll find hundreds of them.
    Dan’s now on a diet, and strangely, he’s gaining weight. We’re told, “The moment he read his nutrition plan, even though he had just eaten, he felt hungry and deprived.”
    This is the polarity response at work. Before I explain that term, here’s another example.
    I just attended a meeting where a noted nutritionist gave a two hour lecture about diet, health, and the evils of eating sugar. Our group had been staying at a resort for three days, and at dinner each evening a platter of cookies and other sweets was served. In each of the first two nights, we consumed about half a platter. The night of the “evils of sugar” lecture, we ate two and half platters of sweets. Why?
    The Polarity Response
    The polarity response describes a familiar phenomenon. When (and because) we are told to do something, we do just the opposite. It’s as though we have a little oppositional voice inside us that takes over. When we hear a command or even a suggestion it says, “no, I won’t.”
    Years ago I had a client who procrastinated. If he had a ten item To Do List, he’d only complete the first eight. Even if he had the whole afternoon to accomplish the last two items, at the end of the day they still weren’t done.
    As an example, the ninth item on his to do list was to call Mr. Smith. He called and Mr. Smith’s secretary said he was away from his desk. My client said he’d call back in 15 minutes. But he never did call Mr. Smith.
    As he told me the story I observed that he cocked his head to the left as though he were listening to something. I asked him to tell me what his experience was at the moment he put the phone down after talking to the secretary. He said, I say to myself, “At least I tried.” I asked, when you say that, who are you talking to?
    Upon some reflection, he discovered he had two voices in his head. One, which sounded a lot like his mother, nagged, “You better call Mr. Smith!” And the other voice, the voice of the polarity response, refused to make the call.
    My client had a perfect system for procrastination. The voice in his head that told him what to do next elicited an unconscious oppositional response, resulting in a stalemate. The trouble was the voice that told him what to do had good ideas, but because it sounded like his mother he refused to listen to it.
    There are lots of ways to fix this. I gave this client the suggestion that the voice inside his head could change its tone to that of a friend and ally whose advice he could take or not at his pleasure. The result was that his procrastination dissolved and he became gleefully productive. I say gleefully because when that kind of inner conflict resolves, it frees up a lot of bound energy.
    It’s amazing how clever we are at getting in our own way. We can be quite stubborn in our opposition to goals that we ourselves set. Doc Childre of HeartMath aptly refers to this phenomenon as the cellular pout.
    At some point, we have to get clear of this and declare that the war with our parents (or whomever) is over.
    So the tip for this week is to simply observe yourself and see where you persist in sabotaging your goals.
    A great exercise:
    Sit at your desk as your “oppositional self” and write your memoirs. Simply write nonstop for 20 minutes. Write in the present tense, and write continuously without editing yourself. If you do this for five days in a row you’ll be amazed at what your mind produces.
    As journaling brings unconscious processes into the light, some people may uncover things that they want to explore in psychotherapy. That path can be quite valuable. For many people, journaling, simply as a way of getting clarity, lessens the automatic reflex of the polarity response.
    Readers: Please let me know how it goes when you write your memoir. I’d love to hear from you.
    As we progress further in the story, I will offer other techniques that even more thoroughly dissolve internal opposition to success and fulfillment.

    http://www.dragonsatwork.com/tag/polarity-response/



  207.  #207Ella on November 1, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    I have been thinking that it might be about time to give something back with CD1… maybe.

    And I am not sure how that would look yet.

    I will wait and see if he comes back again and if so what he comes back with…

    And take it from there.

    I may also be straight with him that I feel suscpicious that he has a secret wife and kids (although I am not so sure anymore) if it comes up.

    Might just let it all go.

    Hmmm (relaxing sigh).



  208.  #208Ella on November 1, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Been feeling a bit antsy today.

    And a bit tired.

    And then feeling good and grateful.



  209.  #209Ella on November 1, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    EMK I often feel triggered with you however this feels great and spot on for me:

    “There’s tremendous power in letting men be fully themselves…and walking away if you’re not happy with what you see.

    That’s pretty much my entire message, right there. :)”

    Yep, I like it.

    And it is exactly what Rori says too.

    Let a man be himself, try not to judge and then either accept or reject…

    🙂



  210.  #210Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    I’m feeling intrigued by the concept of polarity response in the article above.

    Right now I can really see it in the behavior of someone I know. I see that this person often takes an oppositional stance to advice that she is seeking out. I see her asking the “innocent question” and that finding fault in the response she gets, even if it’s simply a nitpicking over words choice.

    I feel very irritated by this and was trying to understand it more and I came across this article.

    I feel excited because I am becoming aware of how I do this in my own life. How I have one internal voice that really wants something and another internal voice that opposes it. I’d like to bring these internal voices together. Imagining that feels soothing….like internal alignment.

    I love my projections and judgments of others. I always learn so much about myself from them because everything I notice outside of me is within me as well.

    Ahhhhhhhhhh



  211.  #211GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    #186 Susan Ideally if I as you in that moment, I’d ask him in as non-judmental and accepting a way as possible, “What do you mean?” or “How do you mean that?” and smile if I could. And say that feels weird, laugh if I could. And then if my past relationships are any indication, I’d expect a reply like, “I just mean I’m glad I’m not who I was then bc I’d mess up a totally gaaet relationship with a wonderful woman, you. I was a jerk back then. Glad I grew up some!”

    Hearing things like that makes it worth the momentary initial upset… men usually, as Rori says, and as I’ve often experienced, start “confessing” and processing out a lot of things like this when they/re starting to get really serious about being with one woman… it’s as if they are marveling at the changes they’re going through in this, and sort of getting used to it to see if it’s real for them. Used to upset me too… but have often been able to talk about this stuff w the men I’ve been seriously involved with. Learned it’s more than okay.

    I have to agree with Evan on this one. And I like the responses of both Lucy and Even in that conversation. Both good imo.



  212.  #212GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    It feels to me like we get triggered with Evan bc, Even you are very directive and pretty black & white… we on here are coming from a place where that’s not exactly what we need right now, so it triggeres us. Like foods or other things, the right thing at the right time is delicious and edifying, but the right thing at the wrong time (or for the wrong person ?) feels triggering…?



  213.  #213GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    #205 Lyka Have you ever read and tried out The Four Agreements? I highly recommend them… even though that philosophy doesn’t encompass everything that agrees with my philosophy, I don;t know what I’d do without them.

    Might give you much freedom I believe.



  214.  #214Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    EMK: I really get and appreciate what you are saying here.



  215.  #215Ella on November 1, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    EW re 187

    1) Ok for me I would aknowledge the flower… its an arrow and ahhh how sweet that they sent that to you!

    I would send a message back saying ‘Awww, thanks for the flower’ I might add ‘it felt good to receive’ if I felt like it.

    2) I’ve no idea I’ve never been asked to view someone’s video on youtube, is he some kind of musician or something. I don’t see the harm in taking a look… if its dodgy you can just drop him.

    3) I would not have said ‘Wow’ back to him… remember he worships YOU, NOT the other way around, keep the water wheeel turning towards YOU.
    Ok I would answer something like ‘oh no I have never been although it could feel exciting to check it out’ or something like that.
    I definitely wouldn’t say ‘why are you asking’ as it is very lean forward, masc… I would only prob say this if I was feeling really Rockstar with a CD I am already dating… or if I was messing about and really didn’t give a flick… And then I would lean a million miles back.
    I might not say it at all…

    Hope that helps and YAY for you getting some CD action happening!

    xoxox



  216.  #216GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Let a man be himself, try not to judge and then either accept or reject…

    This is deep and wide.

    Yes! Don’t try to control, and don’t sign up for that. Be willing to be disappointed and lose a partially good relationship (what’s happening for me here, a partially *AWESOME* relationship which for both me and him has the other conflicted, opposite-ways-of-doing-things part which we can’t deal with. Let him be him, and be so full in your own life that it doesn’t matter… men come and men go…



  217.  #217GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    #202 & 203 Ella You are welcome, and thank you!



  218.  #218GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    Hey, what happened to my Gravatar???! Where did my lion face go?



  219.  #219GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    We are all beautiful pink flowers today, lol! 😀



  220.  #220Starla on November 1, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Lucy, I am so glad you are getting use out of my little script. <3 ya



  221.  #221Ella on November 1, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    EW re 188

    I don’t know… how do you feel about it.

    I always feel suspicious of those kind of things and actually I expect some Sirens would just give him their number, although you have to feel safe.

    You could send a FM back, something like ‘Oh I feel uncomfortable texting men I don’t know and it feels weird to be ‘dared’ or whatever your truth is…

    What do you think?

    xoxox



  222.  #222Susan on November 1, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    RE: 191: Femininewoman says:

    “Susan the way I see it is in the context of what I read in the intimacy book. He was feeling pleased with himself so he wanted to show it off to the world in a look at me kind of way. ”

    That is exactly what was happening. He was grinning when he said it. And proud. Although he does have of much to be proud, he expressed it badly.

    He has been stepping up well in other ways. I certainly never feel ignored. 🙂 The only reason I brought it up here is to illustrate to EMK that although accepting and understanding women may not freak out when a man says something hurtful, it still hurts.



  223.  #223Starla on November 1, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    Ella, I am thinking about giving back to Crack Fix, but I offer sincere spoken gratitude without holding back, and I know that floats his boat a lot. For now, maybe you could just give back with sincere praise. Don’t be shy about it. Use feeling messages too.

    I told him last night, “you are a wonderful man,” and he beamed with pride. He also returns the compliment, awww. I randomly told him in the car the other day, “you are so sweet,” and he about died.

    I randomly give out neck and shoulder rubs from time to time. I guess this is me giving back…but it’s really random and unpredictable…

    I was thinking about cooking him dinner…but I’m saving that for later on down the road. Like maybe I’ll cook dinner when he helps me assemble my new furniture. I haven’t even bought the furniture yet.



  224.  #224Ella on November 1, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    Lyka re 205

    Please be brave and keep posting if you can find a way to feel ok to do so.

    I have been the centre of a few conflicts and received some very cutting comments and have sometimes felt misunderstood here too.

    I know how intimidating and icky it can feel.

    Very triggering.

    And I also know that other Sirens can just get triggered by something I say, and it can be completely their own stuff.

    As long as I can check in with myself and see that I meant no malice… then its ok for me.

    If something gets too bad we can always ask Rori to intervene, although this is rarely necessary.

    This blog is a great place to practice using FMs in conflict situations… amongst other things.

    I value your voice here.

    xoxox



  225.  #225Ella on November 1, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    I feel all open and ready to receive.

    I feel soft and goey.

    I wanto to kiss and cuddle and melt and accept without expecting.

    I feel so excited about being able to do this!



  226.  #226Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    LG, I am wondering whether you are talking abt me, since I expressed difficulty in apprehending Rori’s meaning in this article and mentioned the possibility that it might be a word usage confusion for me. If not, I empathize with the person you described, and have learned some things which might help you understand what may be going on for her (if she is like me) if you are interested. <3



  227.  #227Ella on November 1, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    Starla re 223,

    That all feels pretty good.

    I gave back to CD1 with sincere praise and appreciation. He was helping me and what he was doing was very clever and masculine and made me feel all yummy.

    I said I felt impressed and at one point I said a very heartfelt ‘Thank you’ and gave him a big kiss on the cheek and I think he liked it.

    He looked pretty happy anyway.

    🙂

    Maybe this is enough for now.

    Its just he does such a lot for me and gives me loads of stuff too.

    Awwww.



  228.  #228Starla on November 1, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    227 Ella
    Sounds like more than enough:)



  229.  #229GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    #224 Ella I agree with all this. I agree with staying at this table, and not running and learning to do honest communication and share and teach and feel and learn…

    We all have varying levels of how much dissent we are comfortable with and can deal with without shutting down. Good chance for practice here. I am fine w people disagreeing with me… we’re all just processing OUR stuff, and we’re not really in each other’s presence, so this is a necessarily somewhat healthily narcissistic activity here, imo, in a very good way.

    If something you say brings up stuff for another, then it’s a blessing. Even if it feels bad…?

    What do Sirens think on this?



  230.  #230Lyka on November 1, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    I guess it’s between SLV and me. I’m not sure what she meant when she said “me too” to my saying “I’m sorry I posted that”.

    SLV, did you mean you were sorry I posted what I did or were you sorry you kind of acted weird about what I wrote?



  231.  #231GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    I say let the triggers come up!

    Because there’s GOLD under them thar’ triggers!



  232.  #232Lyka on November 1, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    To be honest, that’s the part I didn’t understand. And you also said that you were going to write more about it, which you never did.

    I’m feeling confused. 🙁



  233.  #233Tiffany on November 1, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Good morning, Ladies! (well, it’s morning somewhere ;))

    I’ve been busy today and not a lot of time to catch up. But just wanted to share this really interesting article I just found!

    http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/08/17/bitter.resentful.ep/index.html?&hpt=hp_c2

    xoxo



  234.  #234Ella on November 1, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Hmmm just reading 206 and it makes me think it is like when we are demanding something of a man… or we have an agenda and we want something from him…

    And we become that voice, that then often gets an opposition reaction.

    I have experienced this so many times in relationships where I have become unhappy about something and expressed that and he has agreed that he wants to fix that and then he just doesn’t. Like spending more time together for example (from my last LTR).

    And its almost like he actually wants to and there is a block. And maybe it is him reacting to the percieved nagging voice.

    It does make me wonder about whether to just literally drop agendas with men where possible and literally just accept or reject depending entirely on how it feels.

    With CD1 if I was being radical I could drop all hopes and agenda’s to get evening/weekend dates and time and just literally say yes or no to his invitations one by one, depending purely on how I feel.

    I wonder how this fits in with boundaries.

    And the beauty is as long as I am CD-ing it makes no difference.

    I mean say that I accept his daytime date offers, and that is all he ever offers me… AND I develop powerful feelings for him… AND it just so happens that he does have a wife and children at home…

    Well I am still CD-ing.

    There for I am not his and I am not exclusive with him until he offers me more (a ring for example).

    And I know that if he doesn’t some other man will.

    And if I feel good to accept it I will.

    So ultimately I end up happy with the relationship I want…

    AND I can let go of trying to get something out of him, or any other man, beyond what is being offered.

    I don’t have to struggle to get wine if it is actually coffee being offered.

    I can just see whether I feel like having coffee for now and then say yes or no… knowing I’ve got wine to look forward to later, even if not with him.

    Lol… I am rambling.

    And just feeling inspired today on here.

    🙂



  235.  #235GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    #195 Vicky I see the key as being partly to say whatever we say *with no judgment* over him… not in our body langage, words, stance, energy, under our surface (of denial), tone of voice, etc… like how do you feel when he feels distant to you. Daria would be good at ansering this and so would other Sirens.

    Like maybe, “I feel kinda lost-feeling right now.” Not “bc you are so distant (that’s a judgment) or “i feel empty and tense that we didn’t talk lately… I wonder why that is. What do you think we could do about it?”

    (How am I doin’, Siren sisters? Am I getting this?)



  236.  #236GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Vicky, it’s about what do you feel IN YOUR BODY for starters…. it’s a good place to start and it’s about YOU not him or anything he did. He’s just being him, no wrong, no right… and you’re just having the feelings and sensations you’re having.



  237.  #237Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    Ella 234. I like what you wrote. That is how I relate to my man – no agenda and I accept or reject what he is offering, using fm’s and/or don’t wants. If I “reject” then he has the opportunity to offer something else – which he almost always does! It works really really well… Rori’s tools are awesome!



  238.  #238Ella on November 1, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    The way Rori encourages us to deal with conflict here is to stay as much in a fem energy role as we can…

    So you express how YOU feel, and keep the other person out of it as much as possible.

    Very tricky and VERY good practice.

    She suggests avoiding using ‘you’ and instead ‘I feel/I felt’

    xoxox



  239.  #239GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    #167 Marina Thank you! I haven’t had any rose quartz in a long time… use to sleep with big piece of fuchsite (green mica) under my pillow, and it had garnets or rubies in it… and lacy agate helped me sleep too… I’ll look for some rose quartz, yeah.



  240.  #240Ella on November 1, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    POF guy ‘blah did blah blah…. What do you do?’

    My internal reaction.

    BORED BORED BORED!

    Oh FFS do I really have to type this out again??!!

    What a lame ass question.

    My trained response to shut down or to ignore my feelings and make nice and then feel resentful.

    So my truth – I feel bored of this question and resentful of being constantly asked.

    Mt reply to him ‘Owww, I feel kinda nervous to say and actually I feel sooooo bored of that question!’

    My NVs ‘you are a biatch… he will not reply. No man will reply when you come across like such an ungrateful cow’.

    Me – Shut up dear NVs – have a cookie. Its how I feel and that is best for everyone.



  241.  #241Ella on November 1, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Vicky and 235

    I would go with ‘I felt lonely this week’ if I was in full Siren.

    That’s it. Nothing to do with him at all.

    I may also say (separately) I missed you (all warm and cuddly and goey…)

    I should mention I do not always achieve that level of Sirenyness.

    🙂



  242.  #242Ella on November 1, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Lucy re 237

    Yay.



  243.  #243Tiffany on November 1, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    Hm, just had an interesting moment….I was searching for friends on fb (as in people that I already know), and the page for the guy I was talking about last week came up. That is, the guy who always contacts me and then wants me to come to his house.

    Well, I just happened to see his profile pic, in which he is dressed up as a Vampire for Halloween. Okay, it is a bit confusing because, yes, on the one hand, I did have a moment of “well, he is very attractive.” But then I remembered what he’s really LIKE – as in, he is nothing like the cool, relaxed, caring person that he presents himself to the outside world to be. The person he shows to me is cold, indifferent, uncaring and utterly disrespectful of other people’s time, boundaries, preferences. In essence, he is, to me, a Monster. He even scares me a little.

    Then I remembered something a friend of mine said recently, which is that she is convinced that people really just dress up as themselves for Halloween. And there he was, dressed as a Vampire. (sexy, g-dammit!) But a Vampire, none the less. And that seems like the truth of it to me.



  244.  #244Tiffany on November 1, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    I also really liked #206! What an interesting idea…and I also really like the title: “procrastinate right now!” lol

    I think I will, thank you 😉



  245.  #245GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    #243 Tiffany Wow. Caring and cool but actually disrespectful of other people… I think you must’ve just met my NSM. Ak.



  246.  #246Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    Lucy: That’s funny, I was referring to a situation that happened last night with a band member of mine, although now that you mention it, I can see why you might think I was referring to you.

    I actually feel pretty understanding of why a person responds that way after delving into the topic. I feel very intrigued by the research I’m coming across….this one web page in particular is amazing and I’m definitely interested in hearing your take.

    One of the things I just read is that one can expect a “polarity responder” to respond to the suggestion that they are a polarity responder with a polarity response…either flat out denying that they do it or coming with a justification as to why they do it. Whereas a person who doesn’t have a habitual polarity response is more likely to respond with something like, “oh isn’t that interesting? I wonder if I do this? I wonder what I could learn from this?”.



  247.  #247GingerSky on November 1, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    You just described NSM perfectly.



  248.  #248Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    Sigh. Feeling kinda bad abt some things on here tonight. Glad I have a man who understands me… and when he doesn’t understand me he makes an effort to instead of judging and making assumptions. 🙂 He has super-high emotional intelligence! So grateful for that!



  249.  #249Daria on November 1, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    Lucy – wow feels cool being asked this…

    well I am actually asking them for ‘help’ expressly

    kinda like being the fern not the cactus

    i also get really open about it… like asking the universe. i know it’s going to happen. it might not happen with this particular way/man. i really soothe myself to not hold on to a particular way for it happening

    so im all set to ask all around

    for help

    can you help me get a charger for my phone?

    no, oh ok

    yes, oh thank you

    i look at it as Giving him an opportunity to help me

    this may work with taking out the trash too…

    however if i’ve asked for help and he Didn’t do it, that would be an answer of no… so i would just expect it to happen some other way, and maybe just express my ickyness at the trash occasionally or do it myself when i felt like it…

    To sum it up,

    i only ask with the energy that i feel like im giving the man an opportunity to help me…

    it feels pretty different from being invested in the outcome



  250.  #250Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Tiffany: I like your friend’s Halloween theory. I dressed up as a Galactic Superhero last night. 🙂



  251.  #251Daria on November 1, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    re: men not looking for women who are MORE sensitive … about ex gf’s for example

    Men are attracted to a woman with stronger boundaries.

    it may not be conscious, as in ‘wow i like her bec she doesn’t want to hear about ex gf’s.’ or maybe that is the one thing that he does notice that stands for “she has boundaries”

    Boundaries are more attractive than doormat though, hands down

    if a woman is truly not bothered, then there’s no reason to have a boundary. if she is bothered, then boundaries will definitely make her more attractive. it can be around anything, not just ex gf’s. depends on the particulars.

    and the man doesn’t have to like it to be attracted.



  252.  #252Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    Lucy, Ella, Tiffany:

    Since you all expressed interested in that article, I feel inspired to share what I am reading now.

    http://microdot.net/nlp/

    One the left there are a bunch of articles on language patterning, communication, the way we program info in our minds, and how we make our model of the world.

    I started at the intro and am reading through it. I feel fascinated and excited! This topic really lights my fire!



  253.  #253Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    That’s funny, LG. Their research is presented as a classic double-bind, aka “crazy-making behavior.” What I learned about some behaviors that may *appear* to be oppositional is more about differences in communication styles than about polarity responding. So I don’t know if you would be interested in it while you are exploring this. It’s a completely different path. <3



  254.  #254Daria on November 1, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    Lyka – i get where you’re coming from… the truth is we have no control over what someone else does or how they interpret our words…

    and the cool thing about this is it’s just an internet blog… so it’s relatively safe…

    which makes it great to practice feeling those scary awful feelings of when we’re triggered… so we have better experiences in our actual real lives when those situations come up for real

    its been wonderful for me for that



  255.  #255Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    Daria, thank you for responding to my question abt asking. I think I mostly get what you are saying – but am still a little unclear with reconciling it with what I remember Rori saying abt it… although I am going from memory abt what she said, so the discrepancy may only be inside my brain and imperfect memory. 🙂 Are you saying that the important part is the vibe/lack of agenda….? <3



  256.  #256Starla on November 1, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    205 lyka
    I hope you use those feelings as an opportunity to work through them and really feel it. I have learned so much about myself and how to handle conflict best for me by feeling weird on here.

    anyway, i support you being here:)



  257.  #257Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    So… it’s a simple no-expectation asking for help as opposed to a demanding expectation of him giving you what you want? Like asking if he wants to help with the trash rather than asking him with the expectation that he’d better say yes?



  258.  #258Daria on November 1, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    Lucy – “Like asking if he wants to help with the trash rather than asking him with the expectation that he’d better say yes?”

    yes! it’s totally about asking him if he Wants to help me with this

    it’s like giving him an opportunity to help me… bestowing an honor upon him…

    rather than trying to get him to do something

    kinda like giving him a chance to take me on a date

    i give him a chance to help me with something…



  259.  #259Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    Daria, thank you for 251 abt boundaries! I am finding what you wrote to be so true in my relationship.



  260.  #260LILI 41 on November 1, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    233:

    Tiffany:

    Thanks for that one. I’ve had a cold for 1 and a half months now…hmmm…I do feel resentful. Something for me to see and heal here.



  261.  #261Daria on November 1, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    abt the resentment article –

    i actually did the data entry for the Forgiveness Project at Stanford, the one by the Luskin guy 🙂



  262.  #262LILI 41 on November 1, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    234:

    Ella!

    Ding ding ding ding ding! You got my bell ringing.

    I sincerely appreciated you rambling.

    So many inspiring thoughts here tonight.



  263.  #263Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Lucy:

    “That’s funny, LG. Their research is presented as a classic double-bind, aka “crazy-making behavior.” What I learned about some behaviors that may *appear* to be oppositional is more about differences in communication styles than about polarity responding. So I don’t know if you would be interested in it while you are exploring this. It’s a completely different path. <3"

    Ya, to be honest I don't feel very interested in discussing the validity of their research. It's obviously anecdotal. I feel a resonance with it in my own inner being and that is all that matters to me.

    While I am not interested in discussing whether or not it is a double-bind, I am still interested in your original offer to offer more insight into why a person might respond that way based on your own personal experience 🙂



  264.  #264Starla on November 1, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Am feeling really…um…i dunno the word right now. I’ll call it “bad” for now. I am feeling really bad because my schedule feels over-booked. I am really feeling like I need to do a lot less during the work week. I feel guilty because I am overbooked and I’m going to have to blow something off..and i feel guilty towards myself for even doing this to myself. I meant well but I overbooked.

    Being busy used to be very important to me. It made me feel more worthy of being alive.

    I think that for a bit i am going to actively do less. And make THAT my purpose for a bit instead of trying to cram all the life I can into my 24 hours. I am so tired of saying “I can’t…I have to do _____” to people and myself.

    I want free time!!



  265.  #265R.N.AmazingMe on November 1, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    This beginning with Rhianna speaking the truth of how we have all felt in one time in our life makes me get chills it is really touching…take a minute and listen to her words in the beginning
    http://youtu.be/tg00YEETFzg



  266.  #266Starla on November 1, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    I don’t HAVE to blow something off but I am choosing to. And then rather than doing what i usually do when this happens, which is continue to strive and commit to other productive but non-essential (i’m not blowing off my job, don’t worry!) things to make up for all my guilt and sense of failure, I’m going to notice that I couldn’t handle this much responsibility and obligation in one week, and STOP taking on commitments for a while.

    What a lightbulb that just went on over my head!

    Gonna feel really bad and guilty and awful for a bit for not doing as much as they’re expecting of me as a volunteer. And ashamed and scared of being judged for not ‘measuring up’.



  267.  #267Daria on November 1, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    im feeling sad

    i love my sad feeling

    that feels like breath

    i love my breath

    that feels like closing eyes

    i love my closing eyes

    that feels like tingling on my nose and forehead

    i love my tingling on my nose and forhead

    taht feels like giggle

    i love my giggle

    that feels like tingling in my shoulder and pressure on my neck

    i love the tingling in my shoulders and pressure on my neck

    that feels like yawn

    i love my yawn

    that feels like giggle

    i love my giggle

    that feels like pinching on my nose

    i love my pinching on my nose

    that feels like big yawn

    i love my big yawn

    that feels like smile

    ***

    call from man… i still felt kinda sad

    talked to my girl about hanging out after…

    that felt good

    – got stood up today by this guy who seemed nice… 🙁



  268.  #268Starla on November 1, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    I just want to come home at night from work and have time to cook myself meals and take care of myself and my body. I want to be able to hang out with friends at the last minute if i feel like it. and go to sleep at a decent freaking hour for once in my life!

    Is that wrong? Am I lazy for wanting this?

    I have a very deep belief that unless I am accomplishing something that i am useless.

    Like going home from work to eat, clean,pack lunch for the next day, relax somehow and then go to bed? That’s a waste of life.

    But I find myself needing to rest a lot on the weekends, which is when the best of life can happen.

    Ugh I feel disgusted with myself



  269.  #269Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    I’m feeling satisfied and sleepy. I was out until 6 am this morning. We performed at a party and my car got blocked in so I ended up staying and I had a lot of fun. Luckily I had the day off today and I felt good relaxing and reading.

    The band has been really growing in popularity. I feel excited about this and also a little overwhelmed. We have an offer to go on tour and do some larger shows than we have done. I feel excited and overwhelmed by this.

    I trust that we will grow at a pace I can handle. We started this band just to have fun and uplift and I want to always remember that and not get discouraged by “growing pains”.



  270.  #270R.N.AmazingMe on November 1, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    I am sending out a prayer tonight for the little boy who collided with my car at an intersection. He was only 6 and I am feeling so devastated. You know the cops and even the mother said they know it wasn’t my fault and I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I stayed with the boy and told him I was a nurse. Told him he would be ok until help arrived an they said because of his age they felt it was best to airlift him. My heart feels very heavy and I just hope he is ok. No matter how much my parents and cops and everyone else there,witnesses saying he came out and hit my car, it didn’t make me feel better. I would be devastated if that were my kid and his mother was very nice. SO i am just going to catch up on the blog and go to sleep. XOXOXO



  271.  #271Starla on November 1, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    I feel an awful lump in my chest.

    I also feel really hungry which intensifies needy and unworthy feelings.

    i want to scream and cry

    maybe i will in the shower??

    I feel like running and hiding from life.

    I feel like a coward

    I don’t want anyone to see me be a coward

    I feel so afraid and small

    And I want to reach out to someone to make me feel better about myself

    I don’t want this responsibility of determining my own worth:(

    I feel so emotional and alone and teary eyed



  272.  #272Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    LG – hmm, I’m confused. Did you think I wanted to discuss the validity of the research? I feel uncomfortable as there appears to be some sort of misunderstanding.



  273.  #273Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    Lucy: I feel uncomfortable with my response above. It wasn’t as clear as I’d like.

    What I meant to say is that I feel resistant when I hear the double-bind claim. I judge it as being thrown around too loosely. I’m willing to drop my judgements and hear what you have to say about it if you want to share.

    But to be honest, I feel much more interested in how you felt reading the article.

    Did you feel triggered, defensive, bored?

    I’m actually starting to feel a little defense, like I have to defend something I felt inspired by.

    I don’t really want to do that. I want to be open at the same time, I feel protective of my mental energy. I enjoyed the article and I resonated with it. It’s “truth” in my heart for the moment.

    This has me wondering about boundaries. How to stay open while not getting drawn down a path that I don’t feel interested in?



  274.  #274Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Oh, Amazing Me – so sorry! Praying for the child and family and for you. Hugs and compassion for you. <3



  275.  #275Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Also, that felt unclear when I said it was anecdotal.
    What I meant was, that article is a quick, inspirational blog post but doesn’t fully explain the concept of polarity response in depth. I feel uncomfortable having a discussion of the topic and whether or not it is a double-bind based on that one short article.



  276.  #276R.N.AmazingMe on November 1, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    @274 hugs Lucy thanks for the compassion.



  277.  #277Starla on November 1, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Amazing me, I’m so sorry to hear about all this. Sending all the love I have.



  278.  #278Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Starla: I’ll bet life will look a lot more rosy once you get some food in your belly 🙂



  279.  #279elle on November 1, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    I finally got up the nerve to express myself with feeling statements. I have had so much on my shoulders the last few weeks and I have felt him pulling away from me. I realize after reading a lot here that I was pushing him away by leaning forward, being too demanding, and running after him. So I haven’t been calling or texting or contacting him in any way. He does call, but those hours during the day waiting for that call are excruciating. So we finally had the conversation today that I was waiting for. I sat down, leaned back (a lot easier said than done. I never realized how much I do this), relaxed my body, took a deep breath and out came the “I feel upset when you did …..” (long story). I guess I was expecting too much when I shouldn’t have expected anything really, but what I got was OMG so not expected. He leaned into me and took the wind right out of me.

    Now I feel confused and lost. I feel angry at myself because I realized that maybe it has all been one sided. I know that he loves me, but I am not sure there is anything more to it. I feel doubt that we will ever move forward.

    I gave him the I feel we are at a crossroad and that I need to feel that he is committed and that he has to come to that decision but I wouldn’t wait forever for it.

    Why did I walk away feeling like I just destroyed our relationship?

    UGG



  280.  #280Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    Amazingme: Awww, I feel hopeful that you won’t beat yourself up. It sounds like a blessing that you were there to comfort him.

    This is kinda weird but I just got the urge to riff about how I would feel in that situation.

    I feel soooo guilty
    oh I love my guilt
    I love that I care
    and that feels like
    deep inner pain
    i love my inner pain
    and that feels like a tightening in my heart
    I love the tightness in my heart
    and that feels like tears streaming down my face
    I love the tears
    I love that the boy is going to be okay
    I love that there were witnesses reassuring me that it wasn’t my fault
    I love that I was able to comfort him
    I love that the accident wasn’t worse
    I love that he is still alive
    I love that I am alive!



  281.  #281Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    LG, I don’t know what article you mean. I didn’t read an article – my comment was abt what you wrote abt the research in 246. Sorry you feel resistant and defensive. My last two sentences you quoted were my attempt to communicate that I was respecting the fact that you might not be interested in exploring a different idea right now while you are exploring your present interest. I was just excited to share something enlightening and very helpful… didn’t intend to diminish what you shared.



  282.  #282Lucy on November 1, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    I will add though that I do feel sad and frustrated and concerned when I see people being judged and assumed about and labeled like that (“polarity responders”) and I feel skeptical abt the value of doing so.



  283.  #283LILI 41 on November 1, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    270:

    ((((((((((((RN Amazing Me))))))))))))

    He was in good hands with a mom nurse. Could have been someone else who would have panicked and not know what to do. Very unfortunate accident, but he was lucky it was You and not just anyone.

    I’m sending you lots of love xox
    I



  284.  #284T-Girl on November 1, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    (((((((((((Amazing Me))))))))))) – sending you lots of hugs



  285.  #285Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    Lucy: Yes, it seems our wires are crossed.

    The concept of polarity response is part of the larger framework of nlp. I think that part of the miscommunication is that it’s out of context and that’s why it might seem like labeling to you.

    Even within the context of the article I posted above (#206 I believe) it makes much more sense as a learning tool vs. a label.

    And it could possibly make much more sense if the concepts and presuppositions it is built upon were part of the discussion as well.



  286.  #286Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Perhaps that’s where the confusion came from. My comment was in response to the article and without the context of the article, I can see why it might appear as a double-bind to you.

    Oh, I feel giggly. Mercury in retrograde, communication challenges. Life is always keeping us on our toes!



  287.  #287R.N.AmazingMe on November 1, 2011 at 8:59 pm

    I feel the love and warmth from your comments sirens Thank you! That makes my heart feel soothed like an open wound being nourished and cared for. Thank You XOXOXOXO



  288.  #288Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    Polarity

    The mind compares sensory information to stored models or ideas of how reality has been previously experienced and organised. Upon receiving a sensory impression the mind matches the impression to the stored images. If the individual initially notices the aspects that match the image, this is called a positive responder. If the person notices the mismatch initially, this is called a negative or polarity response. (There is also the possibility of a neutral response if the stimulus has no kinaesthetic value to the person.) Polarity responders tend to be called reactive, argumentative, or negative personalities if the predominant pattern is to initially notice what is wrong in comparison to their ideal images. These three patterns are learned and can be changed from any one of the three to another mode according to the desired effect.

    http://www.free-nlp.co.uk/resources.html#O



  289.  #289Starla on November 1, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    sending more love.

    goodnight.



  290.  #290Laughing Goddess on November 1, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    I feel good knowing that I can change my pattern of response to one that brings more joy into my life. I feel free and empowered knowing that.

    I like writing the words free and empowered.

    Some other words I like
    awe
    bliss
    calm
    desire
    ecstasy
    fun
    growth
    hilarity
    imagination
    joy
    kismet
    lanquid
    melt

    I’ve decided that I want to start incorporating my words like this into my everyday communications.

    Ladies, what are some of your favorite yummy words?

    depth



  291.  #291Tiffany on November 1, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Amazing Me – that sounds awful, but you also handled it quite well. I’m sure both the kid and his mom were lucky you were an RN. How lucky indeed. G-d herself made you and RN so that you could take care of him….



  292.  #292Daria on November 1, 2011 at 10:00 pm

    relaxed

    inspired

    fun

    flow

    creative

    heaven

    bliss

    alive

    exhilarated

    hyphy

    juiced

    chill

    cool

    open

    soft

    lovely



  293.  #293Daria on November 1, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    mmm

    i feel so much better after my guy friend lover rubbed my neck on the way home



  294.  #294Tiffany on November 1, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    LG – Rock on, Galactic Superhero siren!

    I, too, dressed as myself. I went as a beekeeper – cheapest costume on the planet, since I already had all the equipment. And I also “tarted it up” a bit. I’ve actually never done that before for Halloween (i.e. gone as a “sexy” fill-in-the-blank). It felt good. I might as well liberate and love my inner slut. Because, well, she’s me, too, isn’t she? 😉



  295.  #295Daria on November 1, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    this is a great clue that my desire was physical… my body wanted more soft stretching to allow my emotions to release

    yum body

    love you



  296.  #296Tiffany on November 1, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    Gingersky – who is NSM? I think I’ve missed some posts from you…



  297.  #297Daria on November 1, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    Hugs AmazingMe



  298.  #298Daria on November 1, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    lover

    husband

    family

    birth

    natural

    divine

    goddess

    worship

    caress

    comfort

    soothe

    silk



  299.  #299Daria on November 1, 2011 at 10:16 pm

    smooth

    warm

    papi thang

    nani

    sexual

    slow



  300.  #300Senior Lady Vibe on November 1, 2011 at 10:18 pm

    I haven’t been posting here in a while and I’ve been debating whether I should post or not anymore.

    I wish I could feel as safe as some of you sirens and keep posting as much as I can but I feel blocked at the moment. I feel tense in my shoulder when I think about the way Lyka (sorry for speaking about you in the third person, Lyka) reacted to what I meant to be an encouraging comment.

    I would like to post without comments thrown at me. I would like to post without snide remarks being made about what I post. I would like to post without seeing “feeling messages” that aren’t even “feeling messages”!!! posted ABOUT me in the third person to everyone else with a “I’m sorry” added in.

    If one is really sorry, then one doesn’t do it, does one? This is a lot for me to tolerate.

    It seems there are double standards for posting on the Rori blog. If Lyka has returned to suggest again that I don’t have a “chance” to “participate” on the Rori blog and that I am “unheard” here, I don’t accept that.

    I will post for myself! I will post for anyone else who cares to read what I share. Or use the resources links I post, or watch the vids or listen to the music. Yay me!

    Lyka claims feeling unsafe but apparently Lyka “feels safe” posting her self-styled analysis and opinion of me. Don’t I get “safety” here too? Do I have to suck up and agree with what she thinks of me? I don’t think so. In fact, Hell no!

    Don’t I have an opportunity to post about… myself??? I’ve not posted about HER chances or opportunities or claimed to be a spokesperson for the Rori blog on how much SHE is “heard.” Or suggested that she is “unheard” here. Gee whiz!!!

    Lyka is now tense in her shoulder and has judged and proclaimed it due to me. Too bad.

    I don’t like these double standards. I don’t much like weasel passive aggressive b. s. either.

    I suppose it would be more acceptable here to go on a long riff thing but I can’t think of one at the moment.



  301.  #301Tiffany on November 1, 2011 at 10:18 pm

    Well, I had a lovely CDate tonight. I’m calling it a CDate, even though I’m not sure of the complete nature of it. OK, fine, it was a date. But he wasn’t trying to be super romantic or anything. Just a guy I know through a group of friends. He contacted me on FB a while ago, and last week, he suggested we go out for coffee. So I said yes. And he paid for the coffee, so – I guess I can officially call it a date. 😉 But what was nice about it was that I felt so relaxed, since I already know the guy, and I wasn’t putting any pressure on myself to “be cool” or impress him, or anything like that. I mean, of course, I put makeup on and whatnot – but I put makeup on to go to the gym.

    I did watch myself during the conversation. I checked when I was leaning forward or backward. I listened to my voice to see if it was starting to sound harsh or aggressive or argumentative – and caught it at least once. We did talk some “shop” – he was going on about his job and that morphed into other jobs. And I kind of zoned out for a bit. But a couple of times when that happened, I managed to gently bring the conversation back to more personal stuff. That felt good and sireny to me. 🙂

    And I can’t say I ever found this guy particularly attractive. But he is not UN-attractive. And I was pleasantly surprised to find that we have some things in common that I had not anticipated. It was refreshing to have an intellectual conversation, too, instead of just witty banter with sexual overtones. That’s titillating for a moment, but the effects wear off pretty quickly…

    Anyway. I was just considering this practice. not putting pressure on myself or him or anything. In fact, tomorrow, I have another CDate with someone I’m not particularly attracted to. More practice! lol



  302.  #302Mia on November 1, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    Ladies, can you give me some Siren advice?
    I read Rori’s book and I can’t believe how much difference a little change can make, but my relationship is not easy.

    My boyfriend is very reserved. At the first sign of an awkward silence, I would immediately try to leave his house, or if on the phone, I’d always say ‘ok, well I gotta go’. I refused to let myself feel vulnerable.

    Now I have gracefully pulled through the awkwardness and I was surprised at the payoff. He’s told me more about himself than he ever has before. I feel like he trusts me more.

    He is truly a great guy, but he has some qualities that I really dislike, and I’m not sure how to deal with them.. Maybe you ladies can tell me which part of the book I should look at more closely.

    He tells me I’m beautiful, never insults me or says anything mean, but he often notices negative things and comments on them. I feel bad because I feel like if you love someone, you would only see their beauty. Like the other day he said, ‘You have very wide hips. When you have a baby they’re going to get really wide.’ I was honestly hurt. I love my curvy hips, but I felt like his comment was hurtful even though he is not trying to be mean. Or later he noticed that my skin was really dry.

    Not particularly bad things, but I found it annoying that he could only notice the bad things. Any advice on this? I confronted him before, but that didn’t go over well, especially because he is so oblivious that these things are negative. Saying nothing is not good either. Thank so much!



  303.  #303Daria on November 1, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    mellow

    papi

    woman

    man

    close



  304.  #304Tiffany on November 1, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    Thinking today about one of EMK’s recent letters, in which he points out that often the guys who “look good” are actually the worst matches for long term.

    And that so describes some of the men I’ve hooked up with recently – searingly handsome (and full of themselves because they know it), well-off (if not incredibly wealthy), with an impressive resume and lots to offer. And you know what just hit me about that? those guys think *they* are the prize. They are used to women chasing after them, and they can basically count on it. So they don’t ever have to do the work to find an awesome woman. They can just go from one to the next. And they don’t even *want* to settle down. (Unless they decide to, I guess, for their own reasons). Those kind of guys have all the resources in the world. They just don’t really want to share it with *you.* They want to have you for a moment and then move on to something they don’t have. They don’t value you, no matter what you do, because they see themselves as the valuable commodity. And they are sadly mistaken. But it’s their loss.

    Like my Vampire guy. And my Sexy Millionaire. Attractive, but…what can they really offer me? Nothing, really.

    A guy who values me and wants me to be with him – THAT is worth gold



  305.  #305Daria on November 1, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    wow this feels sad and scary…and i feel angry

    i don’t want to feel like this



  306.  #306Daria on November 1, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    im feeling freaked out – kinda ‘in transit’ as rori would say

    the past couple days, until right about an hour ago… my open pelvis no longer seemed to be ‘working’

    to keep me in a blissful state and not anxious

    now it seems i have mellowed out again… sigh… yum

    and … i’ve been kinda worried… i’ve ‘blown off’ probably like 30 guys already in the past week

    because of not answering texts, and not really answering my phone, and not returning calls without a voicemail

    and i feel kinda worried that im creating a non-helpful cutoff

    to not respond to men who don’t leave voicemails

    just like, not repsonding to men who don’t spell well

    maybe theres lots of great guys who don’t leave voicemails

    the first week, i was getting so many calls i actually for the first time in my life felt overwhelmed. i couldn’t remember or keep track at all

    i even skipped returning some calls WITH voicemails i think

    and i want to make it ok. i want to make it so that i’m so focused on me, that it IS challenging to get a hold of me, and i feel comfortable with that, naturally

    so now i feel like im ‘losing out’ maybe

    that maybe some of the ‘cool guys’ are not the persistent ones

    or the ones who get lucky that they happen to call right when im available to pick up

    and im in transition

    its not about this batch of men, its about creating a lifestlye flow for myself

    hmmm

    i am doing a great job even though im feeling insecure now



  307.  #307Daria on November 1, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    they are still texting and im still not answering



  308.  #308Senior Lady Vibe on November 1, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    @230: Lyka says:
    “…SLV, did you mean you were sorry I posted what I did or were you sorry you kind of acted weird about what I wrote?…”

    Lyka, did you mean you were sorry, when due to your stated personal insecurities, you kind of acted weird and mean by posting what you wrote to me?



  309.  #309English Woman on November 1, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    #192 Mel

    Thank you and for somebody just winging it you are doing FABULOUS. 😀



  310.  #310Senior Lady Vibe on November 1, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    @231: GingerSky says:
    “…I say let the triggers come up!
    Because there’s GOLD under them thar’ triggers!…”

    ROFL 😆

    “A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her…”
    – David Brinkley

    xoxo



  311.  #311Lucy on November 2, 2011 at 12:07 am

    SLV, I like the “bricks” quote. 🙂



  312.  #312Butterfly wings on November 2, 2011 at 12:22 am

    This article set light bulbs off everywhere for me today! Can’t talk now because I’m on my way to meet a gf for dinner so will post my thoughts when I get home tonight.

    I feel happy happy happy after reading this!!! 😉



  313.  #313English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 12:23 am

    #149 SLV

    Well Smooch has a drop down box when you join of all countries, so I would say yes and I think at least half of these sites are affiliated too???

    You can change your DOB anytime on there so I will play with it as and when it suits me, because it’s all about ME ME ME right? 😀



  314.  #314Lucy on November 2, 2011 at 12:25 am

    LG, I just feel concerned about people’s external behavior being analyzed by others according to an internal paradigm, because one cannot actually know what is going on inside another person. And especially when the theory includes an assertion that a person’s internal workings are the opposite of what the person says they are… this concerns me. And to see it applied to a person whose behavior can actually be explained according to good and healthy mechanisms is sad to me bc it misses an opportunity for



  315.  #315Lucy on November 2, 2011 at 12:26 am

    genuine connection and understanding.



  316.  #316Daria on November 2, 2011 at 12:36 am

    well i got all mellow

    and then my parents started complaining about me throwing compost over the fence in this area i want to mulch the ground for an her garden

    and then my dad attacked me

    and then i decided to not say anything and did not answer the questions my mom was asking me

    and then my dad was going to do some more violent stuff by like throwing out the tea i had just made

    i was planning on throwing a bowl thru the window if that happened, but it didn’t

    anyway

    it feel sad now

    i felt angry when i got upstairs

    i ahd just been listening to an audio about anger being transformative and aiming it at someone else more like a dysfunction thing

    and actually its really useful

    well i felt it and i vampire screamed

    and i still feel some pinches here and there

    i would like to transform this and heal this ‘situation’ where i feel powerless and not treated as an equal and marginalized

    i love my feelings



  317.  #317Senior Lady Vibe on November 2, 2011 at 12:38 am

    The problem with using a “you-you” communication is it can result in judgmental name-calling.

    Many are aware of the classic “you-you question” ==> Did you stop beating your wife? The judgment of course being that the person being asked “beats his wife.” So the answer presumably would be…
    yes. (I used to beat her but now I don’t)
    no. (I still beat my wife)
    …leaving the judgment untouched and hanging in the air. Perhaps a worse form of that “you-you” question is “When did you stop beating your wife?”

    Some other examples…

    “Are you going to stop being a whore?”
    “Did you cheat on the exam again?”

    A feeling message can avoid this problem but only if the speaker actually is describing a true feeling.

    I don’t believe these are true feelings:

    I feel like you beat your wife too much.
    I feel like you cheated on the exam again.
    I feel like the bubble gum will hit the sidewalk before the cat finds it.

    There are other examples. I’ve read a few tonight. Reading a “you-you” can be a discouraging experience.



  318.  #318Lucy on November 2, 2011 at 12:38 am

    But I don’t want to argue with you about it. Like I said, I just got excited when you described your band member bc I’m pretty sure I know where the misunderstanding is coming from btwn the two of you, and honestly, I felt excited abt the chance to help. I’m sorry if it felt bad to you.



  319.  #319Daria on November 2, 2011 at 12:40 am

    blah

    i can’t control him

    and my deciding not to speak was doing something ‘different’

    though i’ve had that response before this time it was more conscious

    so i’m noticing and healing!

    i also showed my feelings on my face

    i am healing

    cuz i took it less personal this time

    i love me



  320.  #320Daria on November 2, 2011 at 12:40 am

    im feeling sad right now



  321.  #321English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 12:40 am

    #197 Patricia

    Thank you, some great suggestions there. 🙂



  322.  #322English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 12:42 am

    #186 Susan

    Ouch. 🙁



  323.  #323Lucy on November 2, 2011 at 12:43 am

    I still wish I understood Rori’s article. I feel sad that I don’t understand it.



  324.  #324English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 12:49 am

    #215 Ella

    Thanks for more great suggestions.

    Well have only written to old youtube and asked what will happen when I press the button 🙂 though he hasn’t sent me the link yet.

    And all this older woman/younger man stuff, my son is 36 and wrote me the other day he had met a “lady” and I was like ……a lady?……….not a chick or a girl………he wrote to me again last night, turns out she is 42, so he’s got himself an older woman. 😉



  325.  #325English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 12:51 am

    #221 Ella

    Yes I will say this about not texting first.

    I am of course a Goddess/Siren and it is up to the man to text/call me first. 🙂



  326.  #326Daria on November 2, 2011 at 12:55 am

    well it’s good that i stayed present in a way and just paid attention to myself

    i do not HAVE TO engage

    i can notice, wow this is happening, and it’s triggering me

    and observe how im being triggered

    then i can also speak like

    wow i feel all like blown away right now

    everything feels slow motion and i feel overwhelmed

    my mind feels wordless

    i don’t like this feeling

    i feel like im being swept away

    i don’t want to feel this way

    mmm

    lovey lovey

    i feel good about how im loving my anger

    and how im being gentle with myself

    thank you daria

    thank you for your beautiful babysteps and the way you’re taking care of me



  327.  #327Daria on November 2, 2011 at 12:59 am

    lots of yawns for me right now

    this feels good to me

    i’m processing anger without directing the heat rising energy toward attacking someone

    and it feels gentle and deep

    this is wassup

    i feel good with this understanding of anger rather than just a fight/attack thing

    mmmm 🙂

    transformative, freeing power

    oya



  328.  #328Daria on November 2, 2011 at 12:59 am

    thank you wonderful Daria



  329.  #329Daria on November 2, 2011 at 1:00 am

    thank you for the red clover and comfrey tea

    drinking the comfrey made me feel a bit nauseaus last time but it’s been 4 days and my face still feels moisturized

    yum

    i like that

    and it made my throat and lungs feel good



  330.  #330Lucy on November 2, 2011 at 1:21 am

    Maybe what Rori means is analogous to “Mountaineering isn’t always easy, but the Mountain is easy.” The mountain just exists…. and the relationship just exists… The hard part is climbing the mountain and working through stuff in the relationship. But that seems too obvious…. Still perplexed…



  331.  #331Daria on November 2, 2011 at 1:43 am

    thank you Daria for brushing my teeth with the new brush

    thank you for flossing my teeth

    thank you for putting my tea up in the fridge

    thank you for getting me water

    thank you for noticing i felt tired

    thank you for lighting a candle for me

    thank you for noticing my arm feels achy

    thank you for popping my neck

    🙂

    i love you Daria

    thank you for choosing not to anxiously hold on to outcomes earlier

    thank you for noticing the whites of my eyes and the smoothness of the skin above my lips

    thank you for appreciating my hair

    thank you for appreciating my toenails

    thank you for noticing the curve of my big toe

    thank you for thinking about strengthening and healing my toes

    thank you for putting on my humidifier

    thank you for feeling the energy of the object placements in the room

    thank you for mailing the letter to my man friend

    thank you for noticing energy on blog and paying attention to my feelings

    thank you for stopping before jumping into old behaviors

    thank you for loving me so much

    thank you for downloading the chakra EFT work and thank you for listening to teh first recording

    thank you for interacting with men on tagged and pof today



  332.  #332Daria on November 2, 2011 at 2:09 am

    guy who stood me up called me and was tryna talk about some other shit about somebody’s feelings and i said i felt pist off

    and i didn’t want to hear that

    and then he apologized

    haha

    and then i got off the phone after …i know he wanted to talk more probably cuz last time we talked 4 hours

    but i don’t want to right now

    weee me

    and im feeling good

    i said i feel mistrustful but i feel down to try to plan something agian

    woo hoo go me



  333.  #333Daria on November 2, 2011 at 2:15 am

    im just so much more at ease around men

    this feels wonderful

    tonite when my dad went off

    i felt powerful in not speaking

    i was thinking, wow i Do have power… i can choose to speak or not, and there’s nothing they can do really to change that

    i have power over myself

    it felt kinda surprising

    thank you daria for noticing

    thank you for allowing my anger to be directed to transformative thoughts

    mm



  334.  #334Lyka on November 2, 2011 at 2:56 am

    SLV, are you serious? I can’t believe you’re doing that. Go read the comment you posted in the other thread and judge for yourself.

    I asked a perfectly legitimate question, asking you what you were sorry for. I’m still waiting for an answer.



  335.  #335marina on November 2, 2011 at 3:12 am

    #206 The Polarity Response
    Thank you Laughing Goddess for posting!
    It explains a lot!

    Yay, I have read about that before, it was a large part of the therapy that Viktor Frankl developed! He called it Logotherapy!

    His book: Man’s search for meaning (which he wrote during his stay at concentration camps in WW2) is a mustread too!

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viktor_Frankl

    It also reminds me of the Flip here on Rori’s blog. Even though I suppose that is not exactly the same..

    XXX
    Marina



  336.  #336marina on November 2, 2011 at 3:51 am

    ‘There are lots of ways to fix this. I gave this client the suggestion that the voice inside his head could change its tone to that of a friend and ally whose advice he could take or not at his pleasure.’

    from #206 LG Polarity Response

    Wow, love it!
    Isn’t that exactly what Rori teaches?
    And my other idol, the FLYlady!

    🙂



  337.  #337English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 4:20 am

    #206 LG

    I call her my inner rebel.

    ESPECIALLY the bit about rebelling against the mother voice. 🙂

    I have been doing Ella’s thing the past few mornings, trying to be nice to myself when I wake up and giving myself a hug and saying Come On Lovely, let’s get up and make you a nice cuppa. 😀



  338.  #338marina on November 2, 2011 at 4:31 am

    Ugh, I am procrastinating something important….

    I promised my friends to go after this, my own little supporting army, that’s what they are.

    Got a phonecall last week, somebody asking me if I wanted to work at their organisation (worked there before as interim consultant).

    They fired someone and I was the first one they thought of…

    I thanked them politely and told them ‘Thanks, but no thanks…’ I am so passed that kind of work. I want to do something different.

    I so not want to go back to dredging!

    And especially this job is very repetitive and administrative. I know, bc I did it for 2 years a couple of years ago.

    I have done much more fulfilling and challenging projects after working there.

    But I need to start earning my own money again.
    I need to find a way to get out of this.

    Can I flip this somehow, so I will see this as a chance of getting out of it?

    I promised myself to never go back to the dredging world.
    But what I really want to do is still a bit vague.
    So, shouldn’t I just take this offer?

    Also, I want to be more ambitious.

    If I am the first they think of for this kind of work, what image is it that I project to the world then?

    Somebody who likes to do repetitive work? Somebody who has no ambitions?
    Who has no voice?
    No ideas?
    No bigger view?
    Who is happy just doing what she is told to do?

    I feel angry and offended!

    Grrrr, can’t you see I have to offer much more?



  339.  #339marina on November 2, 2011 at 4:34 am

    Yay, my inner rebel (love that EW) is roaring her voice!

    😀

    She is kinda cool!



  340.  #340marina on November 2, 2011 at 4:42 am

    Hi there Inner Rebel,

    (Pam Young talks about this too http://www.innerkiddies.com .
    But I could never really get in touch with my inner child. As much as I tried to find her. I imagined a 8 year old kid.
    Oh well, perhaps mine is a rebellious teenager 🙂

    So glad you are here!

    So, what is it you want?

    I want adventure!

    I want to explore!

    I want to spread my wings!

    I want to share my skills and talents with the world!

    I want to have fun!

    I want to meet new people!

    I want to go outside and walk the earth!

    I want everyday to be a new adventure!

    I want to be silly!

    I want to tell jokes!

    I want to share my stories!

    I want my dreams to come true!

    I want to work on my creative ideas!

    I want to speak!

    I want to use my voice!

    I want yummy warm feelings!

    I want sparkly eyes!

    I want big smiles!

    I want a beautiful sustainable home!

    I want to have fun with my friends!

    😀

    XXX



  341.  #341marina on November 2, 2011 at 4:52 am

    I want to travel!

    I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin!

    I want to feel the water of seas and oceans on my skin while I am swimming in them!

    I want to feel free!

    I want to get big hugs from the people I love!

    I want to climb on every continent of the earth!

    I want to spread love, happiness and wisdom!

    I want to see happy faces!

    I want to see people, kids and grownups who are glowing with excitement and gained confidence, because they learned something new!

    I want to feel satisfied and happy and sleepy at the end of the day!

    This is fun!!! 😀 😀 😀



  342.  #342English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 4:54 am

    #337 Marina

    Oh yeah mine is a teenager for SURE not a little kiddy!!!

    She is kinda mouthy and stroppy and answers back and has on unsuitable clothes ha ha and has piercings lol and says what she wants to her “mother” voice and does just what she wants even if she knows she should do better.

    Just like I never did……….in fact I still don’t answer back much and I am a 58 year old teenager and my mother is 83, how bizarre this has come up…….. 😉



  343.  #343marina on November 2, 2011 at 4:55 am

    I am expanding!

    I am reaching out to all the yummyness that I want!
    I can feel it in my arms.
    I feel it in my stomach, deep breaths, inhaling everything.

    I feel teary now.
    Heavy feeling in my stomach.
    Back with two feet on the ground.

    But in the back of my head, it is sparkly.
    A little light is shining!

    Wow!



  344.  #344English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 4:58 am

    Thanks Marina

    That looks like a really interesting website, I will explore at leisure later, thank you I have never heard of this, maybe I am getting there…………

    😀



  345.  #345marina on November 2, 2011 at 5:02 am

    Hi EW!

    Haha, I can so ‘see’ your Inner Rebel!
    She is cool!!!

    I was never a rebellious teenager like that. Completely skipped it.

    I just always ‘rebelled’ at school and work by trying to do things my own way as much as possible (but in a ‘truancy’ kind of way, if you can use that word?).

    I think it will be better to let her out in a different way now…something that we both enjoy 😀

    XXX



  346.  #346English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 5:07 am

    Just thinking about the words here being heard differently.

    When that guy on POF said to me “Wow” (nothing else) I said “Wow back to you” meaning “Is that all you have to say?” now Ella has pointed out that he could think I was saying “You are Wow too”………….(as did Ella).

    Misunderstandings and mis-interpretations happen very easily by email and text and on blogs….no facial expressions or body language……

    Sometimes others get offended/triggered by what somebody has said to them on here or other sites and I think huh? what? That’s now how *I* saw it……….



  347.  #347LB on November 2, 2011 at 5:21 am

    Hi Rori,
    Im new to this community and I really dont know where to leave the posts but i posted in the your story and questions section on 10/30, # 2823 and i was wondering if there was a reply and or where i should look for the reply. thanks
    LB



  348.  #348marina on November 2, 2011 at 5:25 am

    Hi LB,

    Welcome!

    You have come to the newest post, this is where you most likely will get a response.

    Could you repost your story here?

    XXX
    Marina



  349.  #349Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 5:52 am

    RE 299 This reminds me of the situation with Loneplum who as a result no longer participates here. I wonder what would happen if we just accept that our words could likely be not understood the way we mean them because everyone of us live in a different world and interpret things differently.



  350.  #350Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 5:52 am

    Wow moderation? I wonder why?



  351.  #351Lyka on November 2, 2011 at 5:56 am

    EW, I concur. That’s exactly how I feel about the situation I’m going thru here. I never claimed to be a siren and like any human being, I make mistakes.

    Thank you for that.



  352.  #352Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 6:01 am

    T-Girl it is a book Rori recommended in one of the Interviews: Intimacy – The Essence of Male and Female by Shirley Gehrke Luthman. Very interesting stuff. She is a leader in conjoint family thereapy education and practice. She has had extensive experience in family agencies, psychiatric clinics and private practice, and has been a consultant to school districts, probation facilities, hospitals and family service agencies.



  353.  #353Starla on November 2, 2011 at 6:02 am

    ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaweiwopeiowpiea;slwapeopwqo[ewpqoe

    that is all.



  354.  #354Starla on November 2, 2011 at 6:03 am

    oops i broke the blog screaming. i’m sorry!

    just needed to let it out. haha i feel amused. powerful scream!!

    i’m still sorry for breaking the page margins.



  355.  #355Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 6:13 am

    Vicky it is always best just to talk about how you feel. Leave him totatlly out of it especialy when in doubt. I think you can say “I feel untouched, unloved, uncared for and I don’t want to feel like that”.



  356.  #356sammie sighs on November 2, 2011 at 6:16 am

    # amazing me (((hugs))) can’t imagine how your feeling but we are all here to support you !!! #299 Owww SLV I love all your posts you and FW you help me when I’m at my lowest and have helped me in so many ways please don’t stop posting… I NEED YOU lol !! seriously I would have done some stupid a$$ leaning forward if it wasn’t for you guys!!



  357.  #357Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 6:17 am

    Lyka hope this comes through I said this but it went into moderation.

    RE 299 This reminds me of the situation with another Siren, who as a result no longer participates here. I wonder what would happen if we just accept that our words could likely be not understood the way we mean them because everyone of us live in a different world and interpret things differently.



  358.  #358Patricia on November 2, 2011 at 6:18 am

    Starla your funny, Now Lyka…Its not always easy for me to comment from home as my internet is slow and I saw your post last night and it made me sad and reminded me of frustration I felt when I first got on the sight. I felt a bit judged and maybe a bit intimidated by some of the comments that seemed more like judgements and more about someone elses ego rather than a true desire to care about my situation and help me with with that. however I felt it was so important for me to explore my feelings of being judged as this was a trigger for me and still is. I am a people pleaser and I like to be the star (and I am of my own show) but so is every woman on here. I feel like this sight and women on it with thier varied outlooks and insights as well as the unwelcomed comments all assist in the growth process and help us to see the ways I defeat myself in realtionships with men and women. I hope you see that there is no competition here and there is no need to be…I feel like your feelings are genuine and I am honored that you are here and felt brave enough to express your concern…In short I am saying post away whatever you feel and however you feel; whether it is about you or HIM or someone else as this is the essence of (at least I know for me) my growth as a feeling woman not a pleasing woman and a doing woman…the woman that desires a great relationship with a great man and desires to have great relationships with women as well as we are all incredibly beautiful…my feelings are beautiful and I love them and I encourage you to love yours too. Post them and then explore whatever comes up. You are here to learn to be what rori describes as a Siren and to explore your ultimate power in your femininity (your right to your feelings) then to have exactly what you want in love and life..thank you for being here



  359.  #359English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 6:19 am

    #270 RN Amazing Me

    Ohhhh so sorry to hear this, you must feel awful even though you know it wasn’t your fault, poor little boy I hope he will be OK and you too of course.

    Take care
    xxx



  360.  #360sammie sighs on November 2, 2011 at 6:27 am

    ….Which Sirens leads me to my recent busy week….Well Mr P text me two weekends ago when I was out with girlies and said so I’m guessing your having a busy weekend because I haven’t heard from you well I was bit miffed to say the least as he had sparodically text me all week..anyways this text came at 6am and I had a lay in scheduled and when I text back checking the text was for me nothing so I rang him to give him a Sireny ticking off and “please do not send me random texts at silly hours in the morning then not answer” kinda speech. Turns out he was fed up because he had not heard from me…yes my usuall pattern before Rori was to lean wayyyyy forward and this took him off balance lol I said ” well I do not contact guys not even friends it feels good to hear from them first”. He was quiet and then conversation flowed. We have been chatting and emailing ALL iniciated by him lol (He works in away but lives few streets from me) Any way today he said “do you not get it? god I love the hell out of you woman” and then said “I don’t want to go through life without you by my side”…..wowsers indeed lol. I am not getting carried away I am being in the moment all open and seeing what will happen but it feels nice better than nice and guess what???? I am so relaxed, no anxiety, not expectations. I am so at peace with me I know no matter what happens I will grow from this experience and life will still be amazing whereever it goes!!! Oh and EMK you rock!! You do I LOVE your male percpective and how your so blunt and honest and to your wife wow tons of respect for being such an open authentic woman just how we all should be respecting each other getting to know each other and if its not what we want or need than no judging but just moving on!!!



  361.  #361Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 6:27 am

    In any event Lyka I myself have been misunderstood in the past and have debated about the same thing. Writing is therapeutic and will help you to heal yourself. The way we choose to think about the things people write and say affects our emotion. We can choose another frame. I have learned from Tinque to always bring back things to myself, because the way we are in any relationship is the way we will be in “the” relationship. With that said and without meaning to blame you in any way, I am wondering if this experience can help you to really investigate your level of confidence in yourself, the way you express yourself and allow people to affect you. Is it possible that you tend to take things too seriously or unconsciously allow people to decide your worth? Have you ever explored how authority figures and what they say affect how you think? Can you truly say you know you can choose to accept what you want from what you hear and leave the rest because it does not resonate with you or value who you are?



  362.  #362English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 6:28 am

    #289 LG

    Bliss……..I love that word.

    Follow your bliss……….



  363.  #363Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 6:32 am

    sammie sighs I don’t know if that is exactly what you said to him but it feels a bit blamey to me and a more confident man might feel pushed back reading something like that. What came to mind was “I love receiving texts during the day so I can experience what it feels like knowing that you are thinking about me” or “I feel happy and loved when I receive random texts during the day”. If he responds to this I would make sure to let him know that it is appreciated.



  364.  #364sammie sighs on November 2, 2011 at 6:33 am

    #196 I think your experience sums so much up we can take men and anyone so wrong afterall we can’t see inside their head or heart how much better to say how it makes me feel and see their response and then accept that is what they meant to say how nice that would be! When I read your comment my jaw dropped because I would have felt the same way wth!! and probably ruined something amazing! so easy to miscommunicate! Thank you for sharing that with us has helped me!!!



  365.  #365Patricia on November 2, 2011 at 6:34 am

    #357 Well put =)



  366.  #366Starla on November 2, 2011 at 6:34 am

    Hehe I’ve “left” the blog before too.
    Some really triggering interactions happen here (and everywhere in life!)

    I love this blog and everyone here. Thank you thank you thank you.



  367.  #367sammie sighs on November 2, 2011 at 6:35 am

    #359 your so right thank you FW I have been doing that and not letting my NVs speak wow I like your slant on things….will I ever get this!!! …yes with all you lovely Sirens help 🙂



  368.  #368English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 6:38 am

    #356 sammi sighs

    Wow progress indeed for you and Mr P. Go Siren!!

    😀



  369.  #369English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 6:41 am

    #362 Starla

    I have left the blog before too, sometimes even flouncing out and slamming the door behind me. 😀

    Hee hee that’s what I used to do as a kid/teenager. 😀



  370.  #370sammie sighs on November 2, 2011 at 6:42 am

    #364 EW thank you yes I’m still in Wow mode lol Trying so hard to be soft and open then I read a comment from FW and see how wrong I have it….sigh! Wish I had all the wisdom now to say the right things ! But no! I will be patient keep practising and keep learning 🙂



  371.  #371Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 6:43 am

    “I’m here to share with you 7 signs or clues, your guy might be looking around

    He’s out of touch, there are periods of time when you can’t reach him for no good reason (“my cell needs charging”)
    He has a lot of female friends who call him all the time and he insists “they are just friends”
    He is a bit of a flirt with attractive women, he says “I’m just friendly”
    He gets late night phone calls, and he says “oh it’s nothing” or he doesn’t answer
    His online dating profile hasn’t come down after you become intimate
    When a beautiful woman walks into the room, do his eyes wonder?
    You have caught him in a few lies and now you are wondering if he is trustworthy

    One of these on there own might not mean a thing, even two

    But if you have noticed several of these signs, chances are he is not fully committed to YOU

    So answer me this important question, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest) how important is it to you to meet a commitment ready man?

    How does it feel when you are in the arms of a man you can trust?

    Let me repeat that, how does it feel when you are in the arms of a man you can trust?

    It feel AMAZING, right!”

    Jonathan Aslay



  372.  #372sammie sighs on November 2, 2011 at 6:43 am

    And FW that was in no way a critisism I or talking in third party!!! I was just so amazed at your insight and feel I want to be that insightful !!! NOW!! lol x



  373.  #373sammie sighs on November 2, 2011 at 6:47 am

    #367 ….mmmmm…sigh…we will see…be in the moment and see!! As my nan used to say it all comes out in the wash!!



  374.  #374Patricia on November 2, 2011 at 7:00 am

    Okay Sirens I have leaning a bit forward with my new found “thinks Im special” man. He has invited me and the kids for an outting tonight and all of my NV’s have been alive and well. Could he possibly feel this way? He’s only going to walk away! I had a well meaning friend tell me the other day that when I felt like he should want to come see me on my lunch and he didnt (he has the week off but has 4 kids) that I should let him know I want him to. This feels way too much like leaning forward to me and I refuse to do it. He does live about an hour away from my job and it may be difficult for him to do this. He has 4 kids and this week is about them and I feel honored that he would include me and my children in that. So what about me in this. I feel happy that he desires a relationship with me. His words make me feel happy but I feel him pulling back and feel like I should txt him this morning and give back just a little as he has stepped up and has been doing everything and has invited me. I feel genuin in acknowledging him and validating him as well. He said “Good night beautiful lady” last night and I said “Good night sweet Angel.” Awww that makes me feel so beautiful ;). I am still excited and apprehensive as these are all normal reactions to finding someone. I still am talking to some other men and flirting but am not making any substantial plans for dates. Mine has expressed that he is moving toward marraige and that he thinks I am special. i dont feel like I need him to tell me that, I know how hard I work and that I am externally and internally beautiful. I know there are many other men that would love to spendd time with me. Right now I am choosing to give my time to him. If he asks me out this weekend then I will have to decline or make it very short as I do have many things to take care of. I know that he respects and honors my time and my time with my kids and I respect his time. I am feeling secure and ambivilant..at the same time; what a culmination of emotions. I think I will share them later today when we can have some time around eachother. Time to get my head into my work; love my job and know that i deserve to focus on where I am right now…what a great job I have..have a great day Sirens



  375.  #375Patricia on November 2, 2011 at 7:10 am

    #367 just caught that before I logged out; now I’m wondering and know to watch and keep my options open. I also know I have to keep it all in perspective..hmmmm? I will check my feelings he does number 2 and 3. They were all there before me and it is still early in the relationship. However, it does make me wonder now about his actions meeting his words?? Oh well…no expectaions I will explore this and decide for myself.



  376.  #376LB on November 2, 2011 at 7:18 am

    Thanks marina, here is my repost…
    Hi Rori, I am very new to the community, i just joined a few moments ago. I haven’t started the ebook yet but i will as soon as i finish sharing my story. i am 30 years old and i have a 12 year old son. i dated my current “boyfriend” Gabe for about a year, a year ago. we were not exclusive at that time and he was honest that he was not ready for an exclusive relationship or committment. we continued to date and then very shortly after that he entered into a”relationship” with another woman. it was very short lived. we stopped talking for those couple months and when we reconnected via my contacting him, we talked for a few days and fell back into a familiar place with one another before he made a commitmment to a different woman. he stayed with her for a little over a year and we spoke and even got together occasionally during that time. not my proudest moments. we would talk for a while then not talk for months. they broke up this summer and he and i reconnected again in September and in October we decided that we wanted to become exclusive. Where he was staying he could no longer live and he moved in with me. it lasted about a month. inside the home and to me things seemed to be fine. inside of him they were not. he was still communicating with his most recent ex which i told him i was not comfortable with and he said he woud refrain. that was fine until two days later i found out he was still talking to her and she said she didnt care if he had someone new she was still going to talk to him and hopefully if they got some time alone she would go for what she wanted. because he lied to me about talking to her, there was some hesitation and a little change in the trust. he felt i didnt trust him at all and i told him that it wasnt completely gone. i am a writer and he looked into one of my journals and read my thoughts. he interpreted what i wrote as i didnt trust him and while i was at work, he moved all of his belongings out of my condo and left. he said that he believed moving in wasnt the right move, it was too fast. im not totally in disagreement with that although problems hadnt arose yet. he said that he wasnt done with me but wanted us to go back to dating. dating to him includes others although when told him if that was the case i wasnt up for that his response was “well, i guess i dont have to date other people then.” im not up for dating him again because i feel that dating is to get to know someone and if you want to be in a realatonship with that person and we have already done that. he should know if he wants to be with me by now. he says he doesnt want to lose me, he still wants to be in my life and us be able to talk and see one another. he doesnt seem to be acting the same though. he seems short with me on the phone or annoyed and we havent really talked or laughed as we usually do. we havent seen each other or spent time together since he left. he has been too busy. he cited other issues as well. he said that he felt that the situation with him living here was making him lazy and he needed to be able to provide and be the man, that he wasnt used to me catering to him or anyone caring for him so much and i couldnt understand why he was running away from that becuase he said it is the best that he has been treated. i just dont know if i just leave it alone all together or try to get my man back. i met Gabe when we were in high school, i had a crush on him then, he was cute; i was a sophmore, he was a senior. we ran track together and we were friends and we even kissed and made out one time. his sister and i were friends as well; we cheered together. two years ago was a coincidental reconnect. we found that we really had a lot in common and we loved being with each other, we had fun together and it was very “easy” with one another. we very seldome argue or have drama. we can usually talk about anything. we have intimate conversations and are usually very expressive to one another. our kids get along with each other. i love him and i miss him. we are very similar, i still get excited and anxious when i know im going to see him or when we talk. i feel like when we r together its all about us and there is nothing to worry about. we both love football and he loved that i love football and we have “football Sunday” together but not this week since he moved out, he was too busy. he says he loves me and its not that he doesnt want to be with me. i just dont know what i should do about him. should i just move on to dating other men. i feel him pulling away and feel me grasping frantically. what i really want to know from him is where we stand, like are we dating, exclusively or otherwise, are we still in a relationship, am i single or what and he hasnt clarified that or what he wants, he knows what i want. please offer some advice. and thank you for listening.



  377.  #377Mel on November 2, 2011 at 7:25 am

    Yesterday I got to practice the “listening at level 2” exercise. Architect asked if I would meet him for lunch. He just started a new job and will be working really close by to my office.

    It turns out he was having a really sh*tty day. His son is quite sick, and the doctors told them it’s worse than they originally thought. He’s really concerned and worried. I just let him talk and listened and didn’t say anything except “hmmmm” and nodded and squeezed his hand. He said he just didn’t know what to do. I offered zero advice (which I would normally try to do). The only thing I said was that I have confidence that you’ll figure out how best to handle things and it seems to me that you’re being an great support to your son when he most needs it.

    When I got back to the office after lunch he had emailed me saying that he really appreciated me being a good listener and that it feels better to talk about it. He finished with: “You saved me today at lunch!! Seeing you made my day!”

    I love Rori’s tools!



  378.  #378Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 7:35 am

    Hi LB,

    That sounds like a friends with benefits situation and seems to be a classic that Rori talks about. A man being exclusive with you while he looks for his “one”. He also told you very early on that he does not want a commitment with you. I would encourage you to date others so you can move your focus off him. What you describe suggests you have nothing else going on in your life so he can come and go as he chooses. Wanting to know from him where you stand is suggesting you have no power over your own life. I would encourage you to walk away from him, especially emotionally and decide what you want in a relationship. If he chooses to come back I would let him know what I am looking for but only after I am clear what he wants. Even if he wants a real relationship I would still take it slow so his actions could line up with his words. Sorry if I sound harsh but it seems you have made him easy for him to have his cake and eat it too. If he wants more I believe he will make it clear in both words and actions.



  379.  #379Mel on November 2, 2011 at 7:47 am

    LB,

    I agree with FW. You need to get your focus off him. I know it seems incredibly difficult to do because you love him and want things to be different. But honestly, you just need to get yourself out there. Experience life again. Do all the things you have always wanted to do, but haven’t had the chance. Treat yourself like a princess. Meet lots of people (women and men). Smile at everyone you come into contact with. Smile at yourself! Consider, perhaps, setting up an online dating profile and accept some coffee dates with nice men.

    I think you may just find that you feel better off without him. That’s what happened for me. Getting out and experiencing life again… just being myself… made me realize just how UNHAPPY my life used to be. I really LOVE my single life now. I have lots of interesting friends, dates and even some special people in my life. I’m doing things I love… just for me, and I feel happy. The biggest life lesson I have had this year (although there have been many) is that life is short. The only moment that is “sure” is the one you are living right now. Make the best of it.

    If you need support or ideas, this is a great place! The sirens here have been invaluable to me and my progress! 🙂



  380.  #380Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 8:03 am

    Yayy Mel



  381.  #381Susan on November 2, 2011 at 8:32 am

    Mel,

    I am very impressed at how far you have come! I delight in hearing about how things are going for you now!



  382.  #382Mel on November 2, 2011 at 8:36 am

    Thanks Susan and FW! It has not been without excellent support. 😉



  383.  #383Tiffany on November 2, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Wow, Starla, that was awesome! Good scream 🙂



  384.  #384Tiffany on November 2, 2011 at 9:04 am

    Lucy – #327 – I like your “mountaineering” analogy. I think that’s very similar to what Rori means. The “mountain” is just there, and sometimes climbing up it is hard. But the “mountain” could also be US – it is hard to climb up our OWN mountain. But once we are on the top, we have a good vantage point to see all around us…

    What I think she means, practically, is that, in a relationship, the “relationship” stuff should be “easy.” As in, you are never worrying if he is going to be on time or not. You don’t feel anxious when he doesn’t call. You are certain that he loves you/likes you because he shows it to you in many different ways. And he communicates exactly where he is, and never leaves you hanging. So the fact that you are in a relationship is never a concern.

    Where it gets “difficult” is that sometimes, in a relationship like this, we are forced to confront OURSELVES in ways that we never have to when we are single, with friends, or with a guy who’s not that serious about this. Often this can feel like the “relationship” is difficult. But what’s really going on is that we are finding it difficult to deal with OURSELVES, because we’ve never had to do it in this way before.

    A case in point would be Tinque’s story. (And it’s public, so I can try and paraphrase here, but if you don’t know it, then definitely check out her website – she tells the whole thing). But basically, she was really upset about her man watching porn online. But then she realized that the triggers had to do with HER – so instead of trying to get HIM to change, she worked on HERSELF – and the relationship changed.

    So, does that make sense? I don’t know if I’ve clarified anything, or just made it worse. But if you don’t understand, don’t worry about trying to.

    There is a very – VERY – commonly told “story” in our culture that “relationships are hard.” I’ve heard this all my life, and it’s really hard (haha) for me to let go of it, too. But relationships are only hard if you think they are hard. A lot of the time, I think we make them more difficult than they need to be because we think “that’s how it’s supposed to be.” But I think just letting go of that idea, and letting in the possibility that a relationship COULD be easy (and looking to see examples of this among people in your own life), that could do wonders.

    I’m trying it out myself 🙂



  385.  #385Tiffany on November 2, 2011 at 9:22 am

    I think I actually had a “polarity response” this morning.

    As I mentioned, I had a CD scheduled for today. I woke up wondering if this was a good idea – I usually don’t think it’s a good idea to go on dates in the middle of the day on a weekday (even if I, technically, “can” because of my schedule). And also, it was just going to be a friend date, so I was probably going to pay for myself.

    But I do really like going to breakfast…

    Anyway, I had asked him to pick the spot, but he didn’t get back to me. So last night I checked in, and he said he didn’t know where to go. I agreed to find the place, and said I’d get back to him in the morning. Well, I got up, and I was just sitting down to check on places, when he texts me “Hey, where are we meeting?” I didn’t respond right away. I am a CRANKYPANTS in the morning, and I know it. I HATE it when people wake me up, or even just talk to me in the morning. In fact, I sometimes think I am thinking clearly, but it is very unreliable.

    Plus, I was annoyed, because I had asked him to tell me a place – so I could plan MY day – and here he is, putting the bee under my bonnet 2 minutes after I wake up, because HE wants to plan HIS day. Oy!! What am I, your mother?!?!

    So I said I’d get back to him (and I also told him to hold his horses and that I hate it when people bug me in the morning. Grr. I still feel annoyed.)

    Alright, so I gave it a few minutes, and finally found a place that I liked. But then I suggested that we talk, because he said he had somewhere to be. So we chatted for a bit. I told him my concerns, and that I wasn’t sure if it was going to work, time-wise. And he said, “Well, maybe today is not the day.”

    And then I had my polarity response. Because I had woken up thinking that EXACT SAME THOUGHT – that it wasn’t a good idea, and yada yada. Only the minute that he said that, I REALLY wanted to go out and meet him for breakfast. But it wasn’t like “me” – the rational me agreed and knew it was not a good idea. But this rebellious part of me was suddenly grasping onto the idea, coming up with reasons why I *should* go out and meet him. Suddenly, nothing else mattered – not my time, not my budget, not my sanity. Guilt came in, too. I felt like a colossal flake, and that it was my fault. If I hadn’t said anything and just gone ahead with the plans, then we’d be meeting for breakfast, I’d be getting out of the house and doing something different.

    But he also sounds like my uncle on the phone, and this really creeps me out. So really, I have no idea what was going on, there, entirely.

    After I took my shower, I texted him that I still wanted to meet up, and gave him the location. But he didn’t text back.

    A few minutes later, I realized that I’d double-booked myself with an appointment at the gym. Not life-and-death. But just – I need to concentrate on me.

    So I texted him again that it won’t work after all.

    The guy must be going insane right now. He must be thinking “who is this crazy woman????”

    I did tell him on the phone that i should come with a warning label that says: “CAUTION: do not disturb before 8:30 a.m. or you will be sorry.” Okay, I didn’t say that exactly, but I did say a warning label about being cranky in the morning. I’m just afraid that I let my crankiness take over, and that he was like “Oh, dear, I do not even want to deal with her.” The thing is, it goes away. I’m cranky, but by 10:30 I’d be totally fine and laughing about it. I was already laughing about it, but I was having so many conflicting thoughts and emotions.

    I ended up just saying, “you were right” and that we could try for next time. Oh well. If he thinks I’m insane, then I guess I am as insane as he thinks I am. I’m a little crazy and I’m crankypants in the morning (even though I like being awake in the morning). And guess what? I LIKE that about me. I think it’s endearing. And I WANT to be just like me. And anyone who doesn’t like me just the way I am *doesn’t* need to be with me or see me, or anything. So there. 😛

    I feel better.



  386.  #386Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Tiffany my humble opinion is that you are CRANKYPANTS in the morning because someone might have suggested that to you in the past and you have made an unconscious commitment to be just that. You might even go to bed late to ensure that you are cranky in the morning. Or maybe unconsciously do something before you go to bed to ensure that effect. Have you ever really looked at that?

    I have learned to wake up in the morning with something that I can feel grateful for or just do some deep breathing and doing some introspection that is focussed on having an exciting day. Even if it is only finding things that I appreciate about my body or life. It usually lifts my vibe and sometimes my self esteem, depending on what I focus on. Another coach CCarter suggests developing practices in our lives that fill us up and this is one. Sometimes I use Rori’s “Out the Window Tool or Paint Myself with Love” to do this.



  387.  #387Mel on November 2, 2011 at 9:41 am

    Tiffany:

    “And guess what? I LIKE that about me. I think it’s endearing. And I WANT to be just like me. And anyone who doesn’t like me just the way I am *doesn’t* need to be with me or see me, or anything. So there.”

    Touche!

    I’m super grumpy when I’m hungry. As soon as my blood sugar drops below a certain level I am incredibly irritable. It can sometimes be like an instantaneous “switch” that flips and I go from myself to b*tch in 0.3 seconds. I make a point of telling the important people in my life to watch out for this. If they’re finding me unruly, there could be a reason. The person I want in my life will not be annoyed by this…

    Last Sunday, after helping Architect move some stuff, I was starting to feel like I was fading. I didn’t say anything (often I don’t even realize it) but he said “Come here, I think you need some chocolate.” He gets bonus points for that one! 😀



  388.  #388Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Mel says “The biggest life lesson I have had this year (although there have been many) is that life is short. The only moment that is “sure” is the one you are living right now. Make the best of it.”

    Amen to that. I have heard of two people in my past life who died this week, one Monday and one Tuesday. I was at another wake on Friday. These events have really had me looking at the life is short concept and trying to relish every moment I have. Even last night when I had to share with a CD that I felt ridiculed when he was laughing, it felt like he was laughing at me because he was laughing so hard. His response “you are so sweet”.



  389.  #389FlowerChild77 on November 2, 2011 at 9:47 am

    Hello…I haven’t been able to keep up with the blog lately. I’ve been very busy and also working with some of Rori’s programs. I’m feeling desperate and need to come up with a/some feeling message/s before I explode and create drama and arguments. (That would also put my self esteem in the toilet, which I don’t want, either :-p )

    I understand that FMs are supposed to ONLY be about us and what we are feeling. But what I’m upset about is a pattern of behavior (his) which is making me wonder if I’m over-reacting or whether I am being a fool and being used to some degree.

    I’m at a loss to come up with a feeling message for how I feel. I’ve been having horrid, horrid dreams. I’ve had these same dreams since childhood and they are always trying to tell me something, so I’m sure I should be taking this into account now, as well.

    The dream is always the same—something is wrong, I’m in trouble (details don’t matter, as they always change) and I’m screaming for help—screaming as loud as I can, but no sound is coming out and, of course, no one can hear me. I wake up sweating and shaking and usually cry myself back to sleep–it’s that awful.

    I feel like my ‘gut’ and these dreams are telling me that I need to say what I feel and deal with it, but I don’t know how to put it into a feeling message. The “pattern” is that whenever he gets what he wants/needs and feels secure about things—he doesn’t call, puts off meetings or dates, and/or just generally blows me off.

    How do I communicate this without bringing his behavior into the feeling message? It IS about him and what he does/doesn’t do after his needs are met.

    He’s asked me to marry him, I have a beautiful diamond ring, and I never thought that would happen….but ever since I accepted the ring and he’s knows I’m “coming back home” it’s like I’m not important anymore and I feel ‘icky’ inside about this ‘pattern’ and don’t want to continue on until I “use my words” and deal with this…

    Can anyone help me…?



  390.  #390Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 9:56 am

    FlowerChild do you feel unsafe? Or do you feel cherished? Do you know what it takes for you to feel cherished and adored?



  391.  #391Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 9:57 am

    Also FW have you ever been abandoned in your past?



  392.  #392Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 9:58 am

    RE 391 That was meant for FlowerChild.



  393.  #393Tiffany on November 2, 2011 at 10:10 am

    My polarity response is less like a teenager, actually, and more like a whiney 2-year-old. She needs a cookie.



  394.  #394Susan on November 2, 2011 at 10:21 am

    RE: 389: FlowerChild77 says:

    “The dream is always the same—something is wrong, I’m in trouble (details don’t matter, as they always change) and I’m screaming for help—screaming as loud as I can, but no sound is coming out and, of course, no one can hear me. I wake up sweating and shaking and usually cry myself back to sleep–it’s that awful.”

    This is a serious dream message. It is partially a frustration dream but it is also a warning dream (because the emotions are so strong and consistent.)

    Could this guy be toxic for you?



  395.  #395tinque on November 2, 2011 at 10:23 am

    Flowerchild77 – I would suggest not dismissing your dreams as just dreams which you don’t seem to be doing.

    Now ask your yourself, if nothing ever changed around this pattern, would you still want to be with him, marry him?

    You can’t expect someone to change, but you can express how you feel about it.

    eg. “I have missed your voice.” “I’ve been feeling lonely. I miss you.” “It feels SO good when I get to hear your voice during the day.”

    When he does call and connect with you, TELL HIM how amazing this feels, how connected to him and cared for by him. This will encourage more of what you want.

    But as I said, a person will change if they want to, not because you want them to.

    xxoo



  396.  #396GingerSky on November 2, 2011 at 10:23 am

    #206 LG Love this… love Doc Childre & Heartmath… I will use this a lot, this is a big key issue for me. Change the submodality (how the inner voice *sounds*) and change everything downline. Sustainable, clean, clear, human, compassionate, non-invasive yet incisive and effective. LOVE THAT.



  397.  #397tinque on November 2, 2011 at 10:25 am

    RN Amazing Me – My heart goes out to you. What happened to you is one of my worst nightmares. I can’t imagine how awful this must feel even though you were not at fault.

    Sending love.

    xxoo



  398.  #398Starla on November 2, 2011 at 10:39 am

    My blood sugar – if it drops even the slightest bit too low, I become unintelligent and irrational.

    My best friend was just joking about how self-centered I am about eating when I’m hungry. I make everyone stop what they’re doing if I have to in order to eat something when I’m hungry.



  399.  #399Patricia on November 2, 2011 at 10:40 am

    FW I am once again with you. Flowerchild:I feel sad to hear that you now are in a committed relationship and headed where you want and now something is happening inside you but it is good that you are here, thank you…Flowerchild: your starting in the right place…and I only have a couple of secs left on my lunchbreak now that you have the “story” the “facts” and “situation”…use Rori’s tools and sit and sink within yourself and explore those feelings without making HIM responsible for them (remember he doesnt cause them they come form you) …what are they? He may also be in a place where he’s scared too and in contemplation so FC it may be up to you to open the door for you to talk about your feelings after you have sorted thrugh them and can communicate them…you can do that here or within yourself but get it out..scream if you need to =) good luck; what you are feeling is soo normal…Also remember he loved you enough to give you a ring; do you think he doesnt love you enough to accept your feelings? This hits at a great moment for me because I am expreriencing simelar feelings and its not what he’s doing at all but what I am feeling about it and I dont want to feel some of the things I do. I only want my feelings to be positive right now as I should be very happy but as this article points out.. it is our own responses that make it difficult to “have” the relationship. I went for a run and got a txt form my 48th CD…hes nervous he says…As he sould be =) Let him be! I like it and I think its sweet. I am a force of pure femininity and he is intrigued by that…YAY



  400.  #400Starla on November 2, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Speaking of being hungry, I told Alaska thru text how hungry I was cuz I didn’t get breakfast, and he just now walked through the blizzard to deliver me a hot breakfast from his office building’s cafe. He works about 3 blocks away.



  401.  #401Lucy on November 2, 2011 at 10:47 am

    Tiffany, thank you SO MUCH! Your post abt what Rori means is so helpful and completely makes sense to me. I feel so grateful for your caring efforts and ability to express it in a way I understand. I think part of my confusion was that I was thinking in terms of “us” rather than “me.” Our relationship is not easy for us as a couple bc we have a lot of challenges to face together. But it is easy for me to feel secure in the relationship bc he is as committed, dedicated, and loving as a man can possibly be.



  402.  #402Lucy on November 2, 2011 at 10:52 am

    (cont’d) I don’t need to push/pull/prod to keep the relationship going… it is a solid, sure mountain. And we are climbing it together as a team. It’s not easy but it is rewarding and joyful.



  403.  #403Lucy on November 2, 2011 at 10:54 am

    Thanks again Tiffany, and thank you to the others who discussed this confusion with me earlier. <3



  404.  #404Senior Lady Vibe on November 2, 2011 at 11:08 am

    @334: Lyka says:
    “…SLV, are you serious? I can’t believe you’re doing that. Go read the comment you posted in the other thread and judge for yourself.
    I asked a perfectly legitimate question, asking you what you were sorry for. I’m still waiting for an answer…”

    Lyka, are you serious? I can’t believe you’re doing that. Go read the comments you posted all over the place.

    I asked you several legitimate questions and you replied to none. You posted you were insecure and and then you commenced making remarks about me behind my back.

    You are incapable of dealing with your own thoughts. I am not responsible for any physical sensations or other ailments you might have. Please don’t waste my time with your made up stories about me.



  405.  #405Senior Lady Vibe on November 2, 2011 at 11:10 am

    “Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises.”
    – Demosthenes

    😀

    xoxo



  406.  #406Senior Lady Vibe on November 2, 2011 at 11:15 am

    @336: marina says:
    “…Wow, love it!
    Isn’t that exactly what Rori teaches?
    And my other idol, the FLYlady!…”

    Ohhh, the FLYlady! Is she still around? I’ve been keeping a polished sink for years and years and years. It does lift the spirit to see that!

    😀
    xoxo



  407.  #407Starla on November 2, 2011 at 11:40 am

    SLV! Sometimes you seem so mean! I bet you don’t even realize it. Though I respect and admire a good sense of sarcasm and throwing words right back at people…it could explain why you have some difficulties in your communication here from time to time.

    Pardon my hypocrisy, too, because I KNOW I’m the queen of this, though I am really trying to mellow out. Which is probably why I feel so compelled to address it. But seriously, for a while, I’ve felt like “oooh don’t get on HER bad side” about you because you’re so skilled at handing someone’s ass to them. And now I’m probably putting myself on your bad side. Or maybe not. BRING IT! 😀

    I mean it all with a lot of respect. I am practicing speaking up over various issues and in different ways so thank you!



  408.  #408Starla on November 2, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Fly lady rocks my world. She inspires me to not be a total slob. She’s not only still around, but she has a regular broadcast thing where she has guests on a radio show and stuff



  409.  #409Senior Lady Vibe on November 2, 2011 at 11:51 am

    @341: marina

    Me too. I’ve ordered a “vagabonding” book (which Tim Ferriss recommends) from the library I’m excited waiting for it to arrive!

    😀

    xoxo



  410.  #410Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    RE 407 Wow Starla. You can be direct.



  411.  #411Starla on November 2, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    410
    I struggle to put stuff like that into feeling messages. Seems really inefficient. Just as inefficient as sarcastically reframing others’ words to make a point.

    Direct feels good. But I haven’t much experience with it so I feel thankful for the opportunity to try it out.



  412.  #412Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    “Feeling bitter interferes with the body’s hormonal and immune systems, according to Carsten Wrosch, an associate professor of psychology at Concordia University in Montreal….”

    “The data that negative mental states cause heart problems is just stupendous. The data is just as established as smoking, and the size of the effect is the same.”
    –Dr. Charles Raison

    Blame ignites the body’s fight or flight stress mechanism. If we actually fight, then the stress hormones will dissipate, but “When our bodies are constantly primed to fight someone, the increase in blood pressure and in chemicals such as C-reactive protein eventually take a toll on the heart and other parts of the body” states Raison.

    It is now well known that 90% of illness has its source in stress – and blame, resentment and bitterness certainly cause much stress.

    Our ego wounded self is the part of us that wants to control everything, and blaming others for our feelings is a very common way of trying to control. However, like anything we do that avoids taking responsibility for ourselves, the consequences can be disastrous for our wellbeing.

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2933/blaming-others-can-ruin-your-health.html



  413.  #413Femmystique on November 2, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    Ladies – in regard to the blood sugar drop or “afternoon shakes” that is simply hypoglycemia, where basically your body runs out of glycogen stored in your liver (instant energy) – you need to eat to give your body fuel to recharge on.
    I have a more severe case and I have to eat something every 3 hours, so I break my meals up into 6 small ones.
    This can be a serious situation so it may be a good idea to always carry a granola bar, etc. with you JIC, and to make certain you plan an afternoon snack.

    SVL – seriously? I have difficulty following your posts at the best of time – they don’t feel supportive to me. I hate to label/judge but I feel resentment is continually streaming from your remarks, is this sarcastic humour masquerading as something else? I feel weird vibes from your words.



  414.  #414Starla on November 2, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    412 FW that is an awesome snippet you posted, thanks!

    I have been dealing with a chronic though not life-threatening health issue for a few years that I am certain is rooted in emotions. I’m trying to figga this one out.



  415.  #415Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    “Start with tuning in to the anger and resentment that gets expressed as blame. Breathe into these feelings and embrace them, as a loving parent would embrace an upset child.
    Now go a little deeper. Tune in to the difficult feelings of helplessness, loneliness and heartache that might be underneath the anger and resentment. Breathe into these feelings with kindness and caring toward yourself. These are hard feelings to feel. It takes courage to feel them, so congratulate yourself if you have the courage.
    See if you can accept that you cannot have control over getting the person you are angry with to change. Paradoxically, accepting your powerlessness over others is what opens the door to personal power – to taking loving care of yourself.”

    From Innerbonding



  416.  #416Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Femmystique

    Thanks for that. My friends mom died of that a week ago.



  417.  #417Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    I love this from Rori

    “Instead of focusing on the difficult and painful moments of life, past and present, do this: Acknowledge your feelings, whatever they are, and then turn your attention to something that feels better.

    If you find yourself thinking about how he’s hurt you, acknowledge the sad and angry feelings, and then change your thoughts to something else — playing with your child, drawing or writing, cooking, whatever you enjoy and that gives you good feelings.

    I call this “Channeling” – and to start, you might want to make a Channeling list. This way you don’t have to think something up – you can just go to your list and find something that makes you feel good — and DO it!”



  418.  #418Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Understand Men Tip #3

    Men like things simple because simple things are
    easier to organize.

    Think about what you want to tell him beforehand
    and put it in simple terms instead of brain-dumping
    and hoping he comes to the same conclusion you do.

    I like this one…

    Jonathan Aslay



  419.  #419English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    The best you can do for anyone is to thrive fully and be willing to explain to anyone who asks how it is that you are thriving, and what it is that you’ve discovered—and then, just relax and trust that all truly is well.

    — Abraham



  420.  #420Tiffany on November 2, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    @ Mel – Yes, me too! I can definitely “fade” when my blood sugar starts to fall, and it can happen in an instant.

    Major props to Architect for offering you the chocolate. It’s even better when the guy can pick up on things before we even have to say it…

    In fact, it sounds like Architect man is just a good one all around. Good for you! 🙂



  421.  #421Senior Lady Vibe on November 2, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    @407: Starla says:
    “…SLV! Sometimes you seem so mean! I bet you don’t even realize it. Though I respect and admire a good sense of sarcasm and throwing words right back at people…it could explain why you have some difficulties in your communication here from time to time…”

    Perhaps, Starla. I’m listening to what you say. I am hoping here that you don’t mean you expect me to accept sarcasm and words thrown at me. Maybe you don’t realize sirens do not accept or even excuse posts from me when the same or similar posts are accepted, even cheered and revered in others who post.

    The recent post to me from Lyka just fell from the sky without me saying anything to her. Then the complaining behind my back and sarcastic remarks began. I don’t find that nice. And I don’t go along with an attitude that it’s OK if it’s said to SLV, anything goes.

    Apparently she is mad that I don’t agree with her accessment of my lifestyle nor accept her suggestions for me. Although I’m not sure exactly what they were…she didn’t explain when I asked… they seemed limiting to me. Do you think they were appropriate or wonderful? Just asking.

    Starla, I’m open to input but if you are only saying I’m “mean” and “bring it on” that doesn’t help much.

    I really, really do not like double standards. There seems to be an unfairness about it and a lack of authenticity.



  422.  #422Ella on November 2, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Owww Sirens CD3, who I had date 2 with tonight… and I don’t really feel attracted to, just texted me ‘I really want to kiss you’.

    Thing is I do NOT want to kiss him…

    Because he has HORRIBLE teeth and the thought of kissing him makes me want to throw up on the floor.

    Apart from that I like him.

    We get on well.

    But seriously ICK! I can’t/won’t do it.

    He has caries/plague all over what is left of his teeth (he’s not that old).

    How do I say this is a FM?



  423.  #423Senior Lady Vibe on November 2, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    @413: Femmystique says:
    “…SVL – seriously? I have difficulty following your posts at the best of time…”

    OK. 😛



  424.  #424Starla on November 2, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    SLV,
    Bring it on is a joke, of course! 🙂 Thanks for taking the time to really consider what I’m saying. It feels so nice and easy, without the weird Clairol dye smell. Thank you!

    “I am hoping here that you don’t mean you expect me to accept sarcasm and words thrown at me”

    Absolutely not. I’m so glad you brought this up because this gets straight to the heart of the matter and the intention behind my comment to you – which is if you don’t appreciate the sarcastic comments and word-twisting, how can you expect them to stop or de-escalate when you respond in-kind? And it’s an unfair fight in my opinion, because you’re REALLY good at it. Again, a respectable skill.

    Hope this helps to clarify what I’m gettin at



  425.  #425Starla on November 2, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Ella “Because he has HORRIBLE teeth and the thought of kissing him makes me want to throw up on the floor.

    Apart from that I like him. ”

    LOL. It’s like, “Apart from the many rugs I’ll ruin with my vomit upon thinking about his mouth, he’s awesome.”

    I love how sweet you are in looking for the good in this man that you’re not attracted to.



  426.  #426English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Just watched youtube of guy who posted to me on Smooch, well it is of him singing with a band in Sinatra style at a charity auction, well he seems like a decent type but don’t give up your day job to be a singer LOL!!



  427.  #427Daria on November 2, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    thank you Daria for feeling my feelings and hugging me

    thank you for drinking my raw milk drink

    thank you for feeding me breakfast

    thank you for brushing my teeth

    thank you for opening my balcony door for air



  428.  #428Daria on November 2, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    thank you for taking me to sleep early last nite instead of pushing through for more wonderful info and other fun



  429.  #429Ella on November 2, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Re 404,

    I feel sad and discouraged when I read this post.

    I feel uncomfortable and squirmy and wanting to crawl under my bed and hide.

    I feel judgemental and afraid.



  430.  #430Daria on November 2, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Ella – ohhh the teeth! i’ve had this come up before…

    it feels uncomfortable to talk about!

    i wonder what you’re gonna try to say…

    hmmm

    maybe…

    hey, you seem cool but i feel a bit put off by the state of your teeth… have you thought about doing something to fix em?



  431.  #431Ella on November 2, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    Starla re 425,

    Yeah, lol.

    All in the spirit of CD-ing…

    And we are supposed to CD guys even if not attracted.

    But how do I say I don’t want to kiss him cus of his horrible teeth w/o being really mean?



  432.  #432Ella on November 2, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Daria re 430

    Owww, don’t think I can!

    Do you think I need to mention the teeth?

    Or could I just say I don’t feel attracted?



  433.  #433Susan on November 2, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    RE: 422: Ella says:

    “Owww Sirens CD3, who I had date 2 with tonight… and I don’t really feel attracted to, just texted me ‘I really want to kiss you’.

    Thing is I do NOT want to kiss him…

    Because he has HORRIBLE teeth and the thought of kissing him makes me want to throw up on the floor.”

    I sincerely doubt anyone could convey the message about his dental health without it destroying all hope for any possible relationship. That being said, I couldn’t abide poorly cared for teeth either.

    I have no advice. Just a shudder at the very thought of kissing a mouth like that…



  434.  #434Ella on November 2, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    Owww, just to share when I mailed POF guy yesterday that I felt bored with the question ‘what do you do?’

    And at first I felt worried about being mean and that he would not respond (which actually didn’t really matter).

    And here is his reponse:

    “:-) don’t be nervous speaking your mind. Honesty is an attractive trait!!
    I am laughing to myself now. Some people might think “how rude” not me. I do the same.
    But that said, I do want to find stuff out abot you. I really do want to talk to you 🙂
    So, you may have to field some more boooorrring questions. ;-)”

    How cool is that!!!!!



  435.  #435Ella on November 2, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    Susan,

    So is the healing/best thing to do to be honest and say why I don’t feel attracted?

    Or not and he will go on in blissful ingorance??

    Urghm I feel confused.



  436.  #436Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    RE 434 Ella put that in the same context with the teeth. It depends on how you say it. I remember B-Esteemed sharing how she handled a similar situation. I say go for it. It is practice. It will help you to speak with compassion because you don’t want to shame him in a way that would affect his masculinity. I am also sure he has lost other possibilities because they were afraid of speaking up so they just disappeared. You would be doing him a favor.



  437.  #437Senior Lady Vibe on November 2, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    From the “It couldn’t come at a better time” department of the Universe:

    1) Library system finally came back up and my vagabonding book is “in transit.” Yippee!!

    2) A second set of “thank yous” from young woman in library. First thank you was an hour ago for my helping and encouraging her when she was unemployed to look for more interesting jobs paying more. She told me she got job! (pay is $20 not a fortune but twice what she was looking for when she first asked me question)

    I’d talked with her a few times over last few months. I was really excited when she told me and got a little teary. I was happy for her and being appreciated was feeling good too.

    Then, unexpectedly she just came back and says her pay is being increased to $25 an hour!!! and she’ll be taking court interpreter test soon for the $45 hour jobs.

    I am giving thanks and expressing gratitude. .. and teary again but I can’t sit here crying in the public library….!!!!

    Feeling very good.
    😀

    xoxo



  438.  #438Femininewoman on November 2, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    How about I know myself and I feel attracted to men with …….. teeth.

    I for one tend to look at the teeth first and I know I am attracted to guys with good teeth. Remember attraction just is.



  439.  #439Camille on November 2, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    Ella,
    Are the problems with his teeth purely hygenic or is it something that he cant really help? Thats where I would start if I were going to metion it.



  440.  #440Daria on November 2, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    Ella – i would mention his teeth… at least that gives him a chance to address and change it…

    i mean the worst that can happen is… he’ll feel triggered and respond to you in a way that feels bad…

    so what i can handle it

    otherwise, he’ll just be pushed away and maybe he could actually fix this with a few trips to the dentist!

    it does feel uncomfortable, i mean either way it’s going to be fine



  441.  #441Ella on November 2, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    Ok how about ‘Oh I have fun hanging with you and this feels really difficult to say, and actually I feel put off kissing you when I see your teeth.’

    ????



  442.  #442Ella on November 2, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Well his teeth are just covered in plague and caries, there a few black ones, and one of them is a stub… maybe where it has rotted away? mak

    He is only 30….

    I get the impression he does not take good care of himself.

    I feel turned off.



  443.  #443Camille on November 2, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    Ella, could you mention some of his wonderful attributes first and then ” I feel put off when imagine kissing you because of my attraction to beautiful, clean teeth” ?????????????



  444.  #444Ella on November 2, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Oh I have fun with you, and I feel really uncomfortable to say this, and actually I feel turned off from kissing when I see your teeth.



  445.  #445Camille on November 2, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    I feel personal hygene if very important and the state of your teeth makes me feel like we do not have that in common?



  446.  #446Camille on November 2, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    I like how you stated “I feel really uncomfortable telling you this” first…..I think thats great



  447.  #447Ella on November 2, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Oh f8ck edy f8ck f8ck f8ck f8ck

    I have sent it.

    Arghhh.

    Gosh I really hope I do not ruin his self esteem.

    I feel like a total bia7tch!!!!



  448.  #448Starla on November 2, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    ugh..overwhelming urge to buy me and Crack Fix some concert tickets for a show he really wants to see but has no one to go with and can’t afford to buy 2 tix. It’s Judas Priest’s last show ever. A big deal!!!



  449.  #449Daria on November 2, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Go ELLA!!! 🙂



  450.  #450Daria on November 2, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    my brothers are calling me more and i love it 🙂



  451.  #451Ella on November 2, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    Camille thanks for the help with this

    🙂

    Re 445,

    I do not think they are feeling messages.

    Because they are not feelings…

    xoxox



  452.  #452Starla on November 2, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    I remember I bought an old boyfriend half court tix for us to an NBA game, and he was grateful:) But he dumped me a week later.

    There were other factors involved, but I probably shouldn’t buy Crack Fix and me tickets to this show.



  453.  #453Ella on November 2, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    Might go and make some tea and then chill a bit.

    Oh feck… reply just came.

    I feel afraid to look.

    🙁



  454.  #454Camille on November 2, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    Agreed, I was just going to say after re-reading it, it wasnt feeling messages and seemed a bit judgemental…LOL that was a toughy Ella, keep us posted….Im learning much from this experience you are having with him.



  455.  #455Ella on November 2, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    He said ‘Oh well, lets leave it then. Bye’



  456.  #456Camille on November 2, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    Oh thats not so bad, How do you feel?



  457.  #457Senior Lady Vibe on November 2, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    @424: Starla says:
    “SLV,
    Bring it on is a joke, of course!”

    😀

    “…Thanks for taking the time to really consider what I’m saying. It feels so nice and easy, without the weird Clairol dye smell. Thank you!…”

    You’re welcome and thank you! I’m doing my best here. I guess I can’t please everyone. I suspect most remarks have more to do with the poster than me but being on the receiving end isn’t always pleasant; it’s a negative energy minefield. However, I could consider it as practice for events to come.

    “…if you don’t appreciate the sarcastic comments and word-twisting, how can you expect them to stop or de-escalate when you respond in-kind?…”

    They won’t stop either way. Watch and see. I could play sitting duck though and stuff and pretend and kind of be “puppy doormat.” And just smile and absorb every name calling. That’s an option. Is anyone else here expected to do that?

    Or I could go… “quack, quack..” kidding, kidding…

    xoxo



  458.  #458Senior Lady Vibe on November 2, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    OH, typo



  459.  #459Ella on November 2, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    Me: ‘Ok, I feel sad. And it feels important to me to be honest.’



  460.  #460Ella on November 2, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    SLV re 457

    Or, you could express how you actually feel, using FMs and about you…

    What do you think?



  461.  #461Ella on November 2, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Him: ok, its a shame. Why did you spend time with me if its such a big deal?

    Me: Cus I like spending time with you and I was not sure. Thought maybe it was not a big deal and then when it came to it I felt turned off when I thought about kissing. I am feeling kinda mean right now.



  462.  #462Ella on November 2, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Him: well I am sure you are not perfect but nevermind I enjoyed spending time with you.

    Me: no of course I am not.



  463.  #463Ella on November 2, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    Thank you Ella for taking me to get my hair done.

    Thanks for going to that health appointment.

    Thanks for taking me to that practice date and bringing me home safe (do-over and so different from last time! Yay me).

    Thanks for buying me food and blogging here.

    Thanks for standing up for me when I did not want to kiss this guy.



  464.  #464Starla on November 2, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    ugh, i really really almost did buy tix. I found SUITE tickets online for half price…cheaper than he’d have paid for General seats for us.

    But something feels off balance.

    I’m not doing it.



  465.  #465English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Awww feeling sooooo sad for poor teeth lad 🙁

    But maybe it will motivate him to do something about it?

    Remember that guy who told me about a month ago the same thing and how he liked to drink every night and I have never heard back from him…….like he wasn’t even ready to put his best foot forward to be in a relationship…….



  466.  #466Ella on November 2, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    He says he is going to delete my number…

    Well ok.



  467.  #467Ella on November 2, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    EW re 465,

    I don’t remember.

    What you told a guy he has bad teeth too?

    This guy I think drinks every night too…

    Oh I am just realising that is probably actually what you meant… that you told a guy about how you felt with his drinking…

    Did you use FMs?

    What did he say?

    xoxox



  468.  #468Starla on November 2, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    I feel so torn about these stupid tickets.

    I want to do something nice for him! But I just don’t want the balance/relationship/male/female problems associated with doing this nice thing.



  469.  #469Ella on November 2, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    Starla,

    I reckon probably don’t… although if YOU really want to, do it, and then lean right back again… really far!

    It can work.

    If you feel Rockstar.

    I have experienced this.

    And as he is used to you as a nice, feminine, leany back Siren, it will probably feel like a nice suprise.

    Switch it up a bit…

    Just be sure to switch it back real quick.

    Ie; he drives and gets all the drinks and takes you out next time etc…

    You know the score…

    xoxox



  470.  #470Camille on November 2, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Ella, your comments back to him are fabulous! I admire how you are handling this and thank you for a wonderful example of “tool” usage and FM’s really thank you for sharing



  471.  #471Senior Lady Vibe on November 2, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    @460: Ella says:
    “…SLV re 457
    Or, you could express how you actually feel, using FMs and about you…
    What do you think?…”

    I think when I have thoughts and opinions I express them as my thoughts and opinions. When I want to share my feelings here I do that too. I don’t masquerade my thoughts and opinions as feelings.

    I don’t believe I need to express all of my thoughts or opinions on everything that goes on here and I don’t. I don’t post on every comment here on the blog.

    My feelings have value to me and only to those others who care about my feelings; some here do not. Maybe most here don’t care about my feelings. Maybe no one here cares about my feelings.

    The last possibility is most likely the accurate one. Yes, I think that is the one. However, I care about me so that is most important to me.

    I won’t decide whether or not to post based on a woman telling me and everyone else that I can’t “participate” or “be heard” on Rori’s blog. Or being name-called “weird” or whatever else names are used often under the guise of “feelings” or “innocent questions.”

    xoxo



  472.  #472Ella on November 2, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    CD1 not been in contact.

    🙁

    Maybe he has gone for real this time.

    I’ve been ok and just noticing.

    🙁

    Don’t want him to be gone.

    And not up to me.



  473.  #473English Woman on November 2, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    #465 Ella

    Can’t remember but I know I felt totally turned off even before we met with him saying (Steve) I have stained teeth and I drink every single night………

    Well not exactly a pretty picture and I felt totally uninspired to meet even a cup of coffee date to be honest…..he poofed many weeks ago……..



  474.  #474Starla on November 2, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    Ella, thank you for your response!

    I’m supposed to be spending my money on ME glorious ME.

    This would be about 100 bucks…money I should be spending one taking care of myself.

    I just love him and want to give him something he likes. This is their last concert ever and he’ll never get to see them again. I would almost feel more comfortable buying 2 tix and letting him take a friend with him.



  475.  #475Ella on November 2, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    Ok how do *I* feel?

    A lil bit lonely.

    And headachy.

    And I want some tea and then going to carry on talking to cute POF man on chat.

    And I feel a bit burned out on text chat that goes nowhere too.

    I feel impatient.

    I don’t want occascional, pretend stuff.

    I want a real relationship.

    Blah di blah di blah.

    Me me me.