Is Your Ego Keeping Love At Bay?

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love advice Here’s a great guest post from Orna and Matthew Walters, who’re doing a fantastic tele-summit starting July 11th with great relationship experts (especially them – I really think Orna and Matthew are amazing together, as coaches, as people, as a business team, as a romantic couple – in every way)…

The one thing we all desire is love.  And not just any love, what we truly desire is to be loved for who we really are; to share our life with someone and to feel acceptance from a man who is committed to you.   And yet so many of us struggle to fulfill this desire.

What keeps us from having something that is so important to our happiness?  Usually it’s our behavior that is in conflict with our desire for love.  In order to understand why our true desire is so often sabotaged by our behavior, we have to understand where our behavior comes from.

Upwards of 90% of our behavior is generated from our subconscious mind and our subconscious is responding to our present through the lens of our PAST experiences.  This is why it is so easy to recreate the same experiences over and over and over again.  We learn a strategy for dealing with a situation early on in life and our subconscious applies that strategy to similar situations in the present.

If our past is filled with heartache because we were betrayed, it’s very easy to attract betrayal yet again.

We hear you, this doesn’t sound like good news. . .

However, once we understand a few things about our hard wiring, we can then focus to create the outcome of our desire – which in this case is LOVE (it will work with anything else that you desire too).

Our ego is committed to Homeostasis – now for those you who either slept through, or ditched science class – homeostasis is the state of keeping things the SAME!

Homeostasis is what keeps your body at a certain temperature, your blood pressure and body temperature within a narrow range, and your behavior consistent from one day to the next.

That’s right, our ego, and every other part of us is committed to keeping things exactly as they are.


Because right now you are ALIVE.

Now you may be alive, but you may not be happy, or feeling cared for, or loved. . . and quite frankly your ego doesn’t care.

Like Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind, should you be able to have a conversation about all this love that you desire would tell you “Frankly, I don’t give a damn!”

Being alive is the priority of our ego and our entire body.

In order to have LOVE – true soul partnership love – we must be committed to THRIVE!

One way that your ego may sabotage your heart is by convincing you that love must come from ONE person.   No one else can make you feel the way he did.  No one else will treat you the way he did.  These are all lies of the ego.

The Truth is that love is limitless with limitless expressions.  You can choose to create love with any person.  You can choose to feel loved at any moment.  Only our ego stands in the way of love when we continue to look for love in limited ways.

The ego tells you HOW love is supposed to show up in your life.  Your man may show he loves you rather then tell you – and if you are upset that you’re not hearing it, that simply keeps you from experiencing the love he is SHOWING you.

Our ego also has the need to be right.  Being right and feeling loved are not connected in any way.  When we get stuck in needing to be right in relationship, we fail to see the love that is available to us in the moment.

Love comes from connection and intimacy and does not require agreement.

Your ego may also be blocking love because it is holding onto anger and resentment from the past.  Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  Resentment only harms you and your well-being.

The way out of resentment is to practice forgiveness.  Forgiveness for self and others is a loving act that will attract more love in your life.

Become aware of how your ego is getting in the way of you creating love in your life.  By letting spirit be your guide, you can release old patterns and move into limitless love.

Join us this summer and learn from 21+ Top Experts in love, dating, relationship, sex and intimacy how to create love on your terms.  The Love On Purpose Revolution starts July 11th and can make this Your Summer of Love!


From Me:  This tele-summit is FREE – I’m going to call in, and my 5 Heart Connection Tools are a bonus with it (in case you lost your copy)…

Love, Rori




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  1.  #1Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 7:09 am

    Gosh, I wish I would have found Rori before everything fell apart!

  2.  #2Ella on July 8, 2011 at 7:18 am

    Ice Princess,

    I often think that… but then, everything happens for a reason! 😉 xx

  3.  #3Ella on July 8, 2011 at 7:23 am

    Hey Lucy,

    Thanks for your reply on the previous thread.

    I am so glad Lillybelle was there too! (Thanks Lillybelle).

    Yes I do believe that an emotionally ready and mature man would not need so much reassuring, or be put off so easily.

    The reason I have not posted Rori’s reply is because she said she is going to make a separate post out of our e-mail exchanges, but she basically said I didn’t mess up and I would text in a fee days something flirty if I want to AND that it would be a fling NOT a relationship… so if I can go with that do it… and if not don’t go there.

    Funny just having her reply did help me feel calmer.

    Although I would still love to know why he didn’t call.

    Guess its just one of those things in life I may never know.

    So happy to hear about how things are going with you and your guy Lucy!

    😉 xxx

  4.  #4Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 8:01 am

    Yeah I guess you’re right. If we end up back together we both are growing on our own and if not I learned what not to do but its just so painful and raw right now!

  5.  #5Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 8:26 am

    Hello, world. I am thankful for July 2007.


  6.  #6Ella on July 8, 2011 at 8:43 am

    Hello SLV

    I feel curious

    What happened in July 2007?


  7.  #7Ella on July 8, 2011 at 8:45 am


    I feel ya… I have been here (that is what brought me to Rori). It does get better. I don’t even want to be back with my ex anymore and I NEVER thought that I would be saying that!

    You have started a new journey. You will probably learn things here and grow in ways you can’t imagine.

    Its ok to be raw…

    Sending you some hugs!


  8.  #8Lilybelle on July 8, 2011 at 8:49 am


    You are so welcome, Ella. I’m glad that Rori was able to bring you the peace and confidence you desired.

    How are you feeling today?

  9.  #9Lilybelle on July 8, 2011 at 8:51 am


    I feel like jumping up and down for you in excitement!

    And you are right, things will work out in their own way/time.

    Sure wish you could “dish” a bit about this. But, I totally respect your decision not to. I think I remember you saying he *could* be reading us. 😉

  10.  #10DE on July 8, 2011 at 8:55 am

    Gosh, what do i have to say about my ego, my alter-ego????

    We know each other well…maybe too well…:(

    Last nite, at the salsa place I go to every other week, I felt ignored…unseen…small…by both of my trainers (ballroom and salsa trainer). I felt surprised…curious as to why…and then…i felt mad…”how darn they?” “i pay lots of money (for me) to get the training…and they would ignore me?” and then…I felt sad…”Gosh, why is it that I can’t find someone to teach me for free…and treat me well?”…what did I do to deserve it?

    I know both of them had/have a small crush…I smell their arrousal (sexual scent) when they would dance with me…the last time we were all in public, they were awesome to me…and they teased me for being quite “popular” at the club that nite…:(

    I went home early last nite…Just as I got home, one of them txt me…”why did u leave so early????” i didn’t respond…at the time, i was thinking of cancelling my lessons with him…not sure yet, what i am going to do…i don’t feel good being treated like this…:( and i feel confused if my desire/expectation to be treated well and acknowledged by male friends is my ego talking? me and my ego???? or is me???

    I love my ego…I love my feelings…I love me…

  11.  #11Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 9:33 am

    @6: Ella says:
    “…I feel curious
    What happened in July 2007?…’

    I started exploring after reading “4-hour workweek” and seeing the guy who used one red paper clip to trade up for a house. I found those very interesting and that led to exploration of other things and those led to other things… kind of things… 😀

    I was thinking yesterday that this month is rather an anniversary. It’s amazing how one little change in step causes ripples onto other life pathways. However, I tend to take small things and perhaps explore more than many people. I love it!

    If you moved to another city or went back to school and met different people, or changed jobs or apartments etc there could be far reaching changes in life.

    Do you have any little changes scheduled?


  12.  #12T-Girl on July 8, 2011 at 9:59 am

    Is there a way to search for a keyword in old posts? I really want to see what Rori says about saying “I love you” – when to say it, who should say it first.

    I don’t know why, but right now I can’t stop thinking about wanting to tell poker player that I love him. I just feel it so stongly that I want to say it. Would that be so bad?

    I think he feels it too but hasn’t said anything. The other night while we were making love I am almost positive he said “tell me you love me”. I said “what?” but he didn’t say anything after that.

  13.  #13T-Girl on July 8, 2011 at 10:02 am

    I am excited for the Love on Purpose teleconferences but I hope the recordings will be available for download afterwards since I’m not home from work until after 6 🙁

  14.  #14Shar lean way back on July 8, 2011 at 10:20 am

    FW you said “It would make me feel so cherished if I had a man who chose to work to take care of me as well as change priorities if necessary to spend quality time with me.”

    Would he have to “work” to take care of you? could he just take care of you financially and always make time to spend with you? This is something I am working on drop my limiting beliefs around how money and financial freedom appears.

  15.  #15Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 10:39 am

    Thanks Ella! It’s raining here today, so I went to the mall and bought some new clothes that make me feel great. Maybe they will help bring on new changes. 🙂

  16.  #16Femininewoman on July 8, 2011 at 10:57 am

    RE 14 I include work because I know many men see their purpose and their career as inextricably intertwined and could see themselves as losers if they are not successfully earning. When they are focussed on their purpose (careers) they can really be ready to do relationship well.

  17.  #17Femininewoman on July 8, 2011 at 10:59 am

    RE 12 T-Girl I think I saw it here somewhere but the way to go is to allow the guy to lead. Many men hear “tell me you love me too” when we say it first. I believe Rori’s point was to see where you are coming from when you say it. What is it you want from him in saying the L word.

  18.  #18T-Girl on July 8, 2011 at 11:02 am

    FW – Its not that I want to hear him say it perse, it is that I want to tell him how I feel but I think I remember reading it also to let the guy lead so I feel like I am bottling my feelings. So I am waiting for him to say it so I can tell him. I feel like I am bursting because I want to tell him so bad.

  19.  #19Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 11:06 am

    Lillybelly, thanks! I wish too that I could talk about this more on here!

  20.  #20Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 11:07 am

    Orna and Matthew, thanks for a great article – I love it! <3

  21.  #21Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Ella, can you share why Rori said it would be a fling, not a relationship? I feel curious. Is it bc he is not pursuing strongly or what? Thanks for sharing in my happiness about “my” guy. <3

  22.  #22Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 11:13 am

    I haven’t looked at his FB in 24 hours. I am looking at Ella’s instead.

    Creeeepy stalker!

  23.  #23Shar lean way back on July 8, 2011 at 11:22 am

    FW 16- Good point. I will have to set with that.

  24.  #24Daisy on July 8, 2011 at 11:25 am

    This article is so timely. I spent about an hour last night tapping away some limiting beliefs and doing some EMDR about some old relationships so that I can go into my date tonight in a much healthier place than I was walking into my last set of CDs – I’ve taken a break from CDing men for a while and am starting up again tonight.

    My old way of being was “alive, but ‘less than'”. Tonight, I choose to be free of the self-defeating lies and choose, instead, to believe that I am beautiful, confident and deserve to receive love from an exceptional man (as I define exceptional) who sees me for who I really am and that I am open and willing to give love to him as well.

    I haven’t posted here in a long time, but am thankful to have some free time in order to catch up on posts and am blessed by you Sirens and your openness to share your process and wisdom.


  25.  #25Femininewoman on July 8, 2011 at 11:35 am

    RE 24 Daisy I feel a bit triggered and resistant to giving love. It somehow feels a bit draining to me at this moment. I feel like sharing love. Right now I feel like I only want to give love to myself unconditionally.

  26.  #26ZD on July 8, 2011 at 11:38 am


    im not sure if yu read my very long story on the last post, but in case u did (or if any of you did) is it bad that I still txt this guy?

    I had a txt from him this 4am telling me about something we had previously spoken about. It was something like really casual though.

    I noticed it this afternoon however so responded about 10 hours later lol. What i noticed is that I do not feel anxious about our conversations anymore, I wouldnt even say excited. I just feel…. at ease. I do know that I still have strong feelings for him. Not sure what is happening here.

  27.  #27Femininewoman on July 8, 2011 at 11:39 am

    RE 18 I just looked at his facebook and felt terror.

    I want to tell him that also T-Girl but I am telling myself. I feel like my heart bursting and like running away from everything and life but I riffed about it. It is intense just sitting with my feelings and looking at the candy I was going to stuff them with. I just want to feel safe to express my feelings openly.

  28.  #28Mel on July 8, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Went to look at an apartment today. Yuck. For what I can afford, I will most certainly be living in a musty cave-like hole in this city.

    It made me feel really, really hopeless. Firstly the realization of having to live on my own hit me. Secondly I thought wow… this is really going to be my life now. This sucks! Then I felt like a failure all over again. This was supposed to be my time to finally be settled in my life. To finally have enough income between the two of us to maybe buy a small house. To make a real home. Now I will probably have to live in a place no bigger (or nicer) than a college dorm. Ugh. My energy level is very low at the moment. I feel like I’m heavy and boneless and sinking into the earth. Blegh.

  29.  #29Daisy on July 8, 2011 at 11:43 am

    #25 FW – oh, I agree with you! I like your word so much better…share love. I was typing in stream of consciousness, so wasn’t very careful choosing my words. Sharing seems softer and more mutual.

  30.  #30Laughing Goddess on July 8, 2011 at 11:50 am

    I feel enlivened reading this article. Thank you Oma and Matthew!

    This quote really resonates with me…

    “The ego tells you HOW love is supposed to show up in your life.  Your man may show he loves you rather then tell you – and if you are upset that you’re not hearing it, that simply keeps you from experiencing the love he is SHOWING you.”

  31.  #31T-Girl on July 8, 2011 at 11:52 am

    28 Mel,

    Please just remember these feelings are temporary. I remember feeling like my new identity was going to be “divorced, single mom”. I thought that is how everyone was going to look at me and feel sorry for me. But that didn’t happen.

    I can assure you it gets better. Right now you are ony seeing the negative sides but there are positive sides as well. Yes, you may be living in a small, musty cave but it will be YOUR small, musty cave. What a great accomplishment for you that you can provide for yourself. You will be able to make the place yours and enjoy it how you see fit. There are great things for you ahead. I am sure of it!

  32.  #32AmazingMe on July 8, 2011 at 11:52 am

    If you’re not attached to an outcome and you feel strong enough to tell someone you love them than do it. I told a man I am still in love with him and though he might not feel the same I was true to myself and I love me for it. I wasn’t expecting any answers if I never spoke to him again I would feel happy I told him. I have nothing to lose at this point, we are on seperate paths and live an hour or so away from eachother. I wouldn’t want to leave my family and his daughter is there with him. He wants to be back up north and I wouldn’t want to live there. It just shows you that you can love and respect someone and still realize maybe he is not “The One” or maybe he is. Regardless it is in God’s hands and being true to yourself feels good and sireny. I have the upper hand still because I choose to and will not stop living in happiness because he didn’t say it back or doesn’t love me. I don’t know his answer but it’s ok, one day at a time when things are meant to be they will be whether with him or someone else.

  33.  #33ZD on July 8, 2011 at 11:52 am

    i feel really confused about him now. He keeps texting me, but i start feeling like he doesnt want to talk. When i tell im how that feels he just says thats not what it is, im just the one feeling that way. This time i took rusty’s advice and took his word for it.

    Feels much more…. peaceful.

  34.  #34T-Girl on July 8, 2011 at 11:54 am

    30 Laughting Goddess

    Thank you for pointing out that quote. That is what I needed to read but must have glossed right over it when I read the article.

    Even though I am bursting with love and want to say it, I am going to show it instead. I feel love from him so I am not going to focus on the words.

  35.  #35Mochaberri on July 8, 2011 at 11:59 am

    I have a question – my man is promoting a party this weekend and I’m debating about going. As of late, we have been arguing over issues from the past that I told him about years ago. These issues have resufaced because he read my journal and I have lied to him about a few things – I know that wasn’t right and I regret doing them – and right after he came home I ended a fling that I was having during his time of incarceration – which by the way during his time away we agreed that I could see other people on a physical basis since he was gone for a long time. He found out about it and feels that I cheated and the fling should have been over before he came home. It was but I guess I felt like I needed to really end it for closure. We got over this or so I thought until he asked me if I had seen another one of my ex’s one night while I was out and I got nervous and lied that I did not see him – nothing happened with my ex we just said hello and kept it moving. This was my boyfriend’s braking point so we broke up but have been working to get back together but time spent together is on a once a week basis and I try to call once a day – somedays he doesn’t answer, other days he will answer chat for a few then say he’ll call back and doesn’t. We argue once a week about the same stuff I thought we moved past. I’m at my wit’s end and not sure if I should go to this party this weekend.

  36.  #36T-Girl on July 8, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Since my heart is bursting I am going to write it here:

    I am the luckiest girl in the world…

    Last year at this time I was just existing in life, not living in it. My self esteem was at 0 and I felt like a frumpy, fat, middle-aged woman. Who would have known that I would have met someone who takes such good care of me, makes me feel beautiful and special and is the best lover I have ever had.

    And I can honestly say that Rori and all of you sirens have helped me to get there and to grow. Yes, I still have work to do but wow, what a difference. I feel so thankful for finding this site. Thank you Rori.

  37.  #37Mel on July 8, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    Re: 36

    That sounds hopeful to me T-Girl! Thanks for sharing!

  38.  #38gina on July 8, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    my thoughts about your feelings about the dance instructors:

    I don’t know what studio you take from, but when I taught at a franchise – there were specific policies about how to behave with students outside the studio. We were extensively trained on how to manage a student’s experience. We were taught how to identify what student’s needs are and how to conform to their personality. What you are paying for is the service. If you just want to dance, make sure you understand how to follow and just make a point to connect with good dancers,

  39.  #39Plum on July 8, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    28 Mel


    Would you consider staying in your house and have him leave the place?
    Have you asked a lawyer about this?
    He is the one who wants to stop the marriage, you have no reason at all to be the one leaving and suffering a bad housing. Even if you leave for Europe a few months later, it does not matter, you still can make him leave so you can keep in a clean safe place as long as you need to.

    ***This was supposed to be my time to finally be settled in my life. To finally have enough income between the two of us to maybe buy a small house. To make a real home ***
    this is taken in account in a divorce in some countries.
    He made you leave your home town and you job for him to get a better job, so a better life, and now that he got it; he dumps you in a town where there is nothing for you.
    The laws could check into this state of things for you. He might even have to pay your plane ticket back home if you want to go back home.
    You followed your husband because your marriage made you believe his new job would be benefiting your life too, not only his. That’s what marriage is about. If you had not been married you would have kept your life and your job back home, you would not be risking a bad housing today. He put you in this situation for him to get his job.
    And you have worked while he was studying.
    The law will see that you get compensated for what you gave into your marriage. It won’t let you suffer bad housing while he keeps decent housing and car. He might have to give you money until you get back on your feet

    Check on Internet, I am sure sure you will find Canadian organizations that give free legal advice according to your incomes.


  40.  #40Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    Today is a little easier in trying to reclaim my vibe and take care of myself. Though, I am TERRIFIED that this is going to result in me losing him forever.

    But if that’s the case, I HAVE to be okay with it. I have to. Because I don’t want to be with a man who punishes me or gives me grief for taking care of myself or for having standards.

    If you don’t like it, then yes man, please, please leave.

  41.  #41Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    Something that is really weighing heavy on my mind is how do I undo damage I caused? Is there any way at all? Is it even possible?

    For all the f*cked up things I said to him, the f*cked up way I acted…I’ve apologized, but in my mind the best I can do is just change the way I do things. But in order for me to manage my emotions in a healthier, safer way, I have to start asserting my boundaries, which means holding him accountable for them (or rather holding myself accountable).

    I wasn’t doing it before because I knew I had been a bad girl in the relationship. I let things slide with him because I was being bad too. But at some point something’s gotta give.

    I don’t want to be locked in this pattern of “it’s okay if you act sh*tty cuz I do too”

    I like “It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes, because we are both usually so amazing to each other” much better.

  42.  #42mali on July 8, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    I am not happy.

    Feeling all RAA RAA RAA and angry, and drama queen-sh
    Feeling sad and overwhelmed and almost at that point of letting go.

    I left the place I used to work at about two weeks ago, they haven’t paid me for the last shift I worked. I’ve spoken to the manager twice, who said she’d call back, and didn’t. I feel sad, disappointed that she didn’t.
    I rang in today to talk to her three times, Twice, I was told she was busy, the third time, someone told me they’d make sure she called me back. She didn’t.

    I feel BAD, sad, MAD, that she didn’t call.
    And I feel bleurgh, too much pressure in my throat when I think of not being paid that money.

    That is my right, MY right. I earned that money. MINE.
    Throat feels tight, and I can feel myself tearing up. Body feels heavy. I feel small. Like nothing.

  43.  #43gina on July 8, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    I’m right there with you, Babe. I feel like doing something again. (at least I got past the urge to freakin go up to Boston). But I feel tempted to call him in a few days. Is this a horrible idea? Does it do any harm?
    In general, I feel good. I am looking good and I’m getting tons of attention from men, and it feels great. I miss him a lot and sense that he’s angry and that’sy why I’m not hearing from him. Is it impossible that he’s walking around suffering and mad that I never made him important, and thtat I never loved him enough? If he is, then isn’t it a shame that I’m also walking around, brokenhearted that we aren’t together. I sometimes didn’t make him important enough because I was following some rules. I wish I had been able to communicate with him effectively about the behaviours that I didn’t like. I intend to communicate honestly and openly with men. It feels like BS to be “not communicating”. Is there harm in reaching out to a man who is apparently shutting us out because of resentment? Oooh – my question is… How do we deal with THEIR ego??

  44.  #44Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Gina, I took the rori lean back thing way too far and got very uncomfortable and furious when it was time for ME to give.

  45.  #45Brenda on July 8, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Hi! The internet is down where I am staying. Been real busy, too.

  46.  #46Daria on July 8, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Yesterday Hawkman came to see me at my sisters house.

    When it got later he was all tense and undecided about what he was going to do, leave or stay. Snd then I wanted to leave.

    He might get kicked out his program…

    But I didn’t want to tell him what to do.

    I ft bad and disconnected while he was mumbling to himself and thinking to himself .

    Snd then on the Bart train home… He didn’t speak to me even when he got off! No goodbye!

    He was so ‘somewhere else’ with his mind.

    This felt bad!

    I’m not used to this…. But *I* do it!

    And then he started texting me nice stuff about sex. And I brought up Bart and feeling ignored. I had to say it twice. I said I fr invisible.

    Then he said I’m sorry.

    I feel icky, like I feel afraid I’m being too hard to please and unappreciative and NON nurturing. I think that will make men suffer with me… And eventually leave.

    And… I feel worried and unloved too… Felt turned off by the emotional distance…

    It all feels hot amd icky xnd confused in my chest.

  47.  #47Daria on July 8, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Dorothea – something about this feels disturbing and off to me:

    ’44: Dorothea says:

    Gina, I took the rori lean back thing way too far and got very uncomfortable and furious when it was time for ME to give.

    Friday, 8 July 2011 @ 1:14pm’

    It sounds more like self attack voices, unworthy voices at work.

  48.  #48Daria on July 8, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Maybe my message is to drop right put of my ‘out there’ mind trips when someone engages me.

  49.  #49Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Daria, it boils down to there being a difference between holding back and leaning back, in my opinion

    I like leaning back though. It is a vibe thing and good for the soul.

    i am sooooo scared though. ahhhh. not looking at his facebook though, which would probably provide some sort of insight into what he is doing and/or thinking. Not. Looking. Just doing me.

    My coworker gave me some great wisdom today. He said that unlatching yourself from another person is like quitting cigarettes or candy or booze. When you feel anxious, you have to tell yourself it’s just a craving, and it will pass.

    It’s not some message from the universe that I should be fussing over him, or doing anything but taking care of myself. It’s a physiological and psychological craving for something i’ve grown accustomed to.

  50.  #50Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    i just said the word “though” like a bazillion times.


  51.  #51Shar lean way back on July 8, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Mali 42- Go over her head to the next person up the chain.

    Mel-Please look into the legal issue Loneplum has suggested. I’m not sure about Canada, but my sister, who basically did the same as you, (support her husband until he had a degree and making good money, ) now receives $900 usd a month alimony and has for about 15 years now. Believe me it helps her tremendously. While I on the other hand just wanted out, didnt want anything etc..Now wish I had gone the route my sister took.

  52.  #52Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Dorothea thanks for the analogy about giving up cigarettes. I once heard that creating a habit only takes a few times of replacing the behavior. Hope this is true because there is only so much cleaning I can do! 🙂

  53.  #53Daria on July 8, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Ooooh! So excited to notice something.

    Hawkman does not do the ‘angry rages’ like what my father does…

    But does do the emotional ‘checking out’ where I feel lonely … Like with my mother.

    I bet tapping on this stiff will clear it out.

    Yay me! Woo hoo this is a step up from angry men.

  54.  #54Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    I have also quit smoking for the hundredth time…day 4 today. I can usually go a couple of weeks. Honestly, spending time with my guy triggers me to smoke again, because he smokes. He is actually very sweet and considerate and won’t smoke around me while I’ve quit, but regardless I will nag him to give me a cigarette until he does.

    I might have to just avoid spending more than an hour or two with him at a time for the next few months, eep!

  55.  #55Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Feeling so afraid and anxious. Scared he is saying things about me on his facebook page. Scared his friends are saying something about me.

    Afraid of being judged.

    What does it matter if I witness the judgment or not?

    If there is something he wants me to react to, then he should come to me directly. If he is using facebook to send me messages, I feel turned off anyway.

    Good thing I am NOT looking.

    Poor Ella, I am wearing her fb page out. You should post something more interesting for me, kthx! 🙂

  56.  #56Daria on July 8, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Dorothea – there’s a whole powerless beat me up vibe about this

    You can stop nagging him… Really u can … It feels out of control but is not. U can set the intention and forgive urself for any mistakes

  57.  #57Plum on July 8, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    49: Dorothea

    *** He said that unlatching yourself from another person is like quitting cigarettes or candy or booze. When you feel anxious, you have to tell yourself it’s just a craving, and it will pass. ***

    Yes it is the man crack

    I have pasted this link often but I love it, so here goes again 🙂


  58.  #58Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    LOL Dorothea @ wearing out Ella’s page! Has he made posts about you before on FB?

  59.  #59Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Daria, I feel super resistant and uncomfortable reading outside assessments about whether or not I’m powerless (or my vibe seems that way, or whatever) here. I don’t really want to, in fact.

    Hope you understand! I know you’re just itchin to help me here! I’m just letting out my anxieties here as an alternative to leaning forward in practice, until I can get my vibe aligned with the practice.

  60.  #60Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    ice princess, yes but most of the time they’re vague. but we both know it’s about me.

    i used to do that too. blech. haha

  61.  #61Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    I am guilty of it too. That’s why I haven’t been posting much there lately.

  62.  #62Laughing Goddess on July 8, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    “I like “It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes, because we are both usually so amazing to each other” much better.

    This is where I am coming from too Dorothea. My guy isn’t perfect yet neither am I.

    And I feel so good about the way we treat each other most of the time.

    And I feel safe with him. I feel trusting of him.

    I feel inspired to continue being the best person I can be and as I evolve and grow, I see him doing the same.

    I’m becoming aware of a belief I have that if I really thrive and live up to who I know I can be, I will outgrow him. I can see how in some ways I have been holding back for that reason.

    I’m ready to let that belief go.

  63.  #63Laughing Goddess on July 8, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Also Dorothea, congrats on quitting smoking! That is huge!!!

    From what I understand, the physical cravings are gone after three days. Have you noticed that to be true?

  64.  #64Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    LG, thank you for sharing that belief!

    I think part of me has acted so “poorly” with him because I didn’t want to be out of his league.

    I am leveling up in who i am and how i express that in my life, however, so he is invited to join me.

    I feel so sad and grief stricken thinking that I may have to leave him behind.

  65.  #65Laughing Goddess on July 8, 2011 at 2:17 pm


    I’m feel happy that the quote was helpful. I’ll bet that once you start focusing on how he is showing his love and stop worrying about him not saying the three magic words, they will come soon enough.

    Letting go can be very powerful.

  66.  #66Daria on July 8, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Dorothea oh wow… okay… wow i feel angry!

  67.  #67Laughing Goddess on July 8, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Dorothea: “I feel so sad and grief stricken thinking that I may have to leave him behind.”

    I feel ya. I have similar worries.

    I think think are unfounded though. Deep down I know life doesn’t really work that way. Either he will grow also or we will naturally be magnetized to a man who is even better for us.

  68.  #68Daria on July 8, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    i love myself

    i am feeling unloved

    i love me

    i feel sooo bummed

    i just had a convo with a guy where i felt unimportant and unloved

    and i feel bad that i spoke at a point in a way that seems to have triggered his defensiveness

    i love my feelings

    i love my bummy feelings

    wow leanign back in my body feels good

    i love my sadness

    i love my disappointment

    im feeling better

    im starting to feel bright

    i love my brightness

  69.  #69Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    LG, I KNOW he is capable and even anxious and eager to “level up”

    However, I feel this great burden in that. Like it is on me to maintain my own high level of existence if he is also going to do that.

    I don’t want to be the leader here.

    But I will lead myself, and not worry about what that means for his behavior.

  70.  #70Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    My closest guy friend is completely in love with me, and this leveling up thing I’m doing is NOT helping that hahahahahahaha, well sh*t.

    I already tried dating him for a long time and it just didn’t work. He is NOT the man for me. And he swore to me when we started being friends that he wasn’t interested.

    Yet, he treats me like his queen.
    No expectation to return the favor or the care, yet I feel guilty as hell. I will never want to be with him.

    He knows this, and I wonder if he is just this nice of a friend, or if he has secret hopes he will win me over.

  71.  #71Laughing Goddess on July 8, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    I’ve been thinking alot about the idea of giving back to men and what that looks like.

    Like I said beofre, I heard someone say recently that to keep the energetic balance in a relationship the man should always be giving a little bit more. They said something like 51% man giving to 49% woman giving.

    I wish I could remember where I hear that. It might have been on one of Rori’s monthly interviews.

    FW: have you heard this before? I feel admiration for your ability to remember specific things from specific coaches.

    So I’m reviewing Rori’s waterwheel tool to get a better idea about the balance of giving.

    Here it is…

    The Waterwheel is about imagining – no matter WHAT is really going on in your relationship – that all his love, heart and energy are coming TOWARD you.

    So do this:

    1. Picture one of those huge, gorgeous waterwheels on the side of a barn that you may have seen in pictures, or perhaps you know one near where you live.

    2. Really imagine it in detail – the huge wooden wheels, the water it sits in.

    Imagine it turning. How it turns slowly, gently picking up water from the pond it sits in, carrying the water as it turns, and then how the water gets carried all the way to the top and then over… until it drops back into the water on the other side.

    Imagine how it KEEPS turning.

    3. Now imagine the same waterwheel (a smaller version) right at your chest, right up against your body, turning in the direction AWAY from you.

    4. Imagine it picking up your love, heart and energy (just like it picks up water), as it turns away from you.

    It gets all your energy from your heart and your body, then it brings it up and over…and…

    5. Now imagine your man (or any man) standing a few feet in front of you, on the other end of the wheel, and feel the wheel turning away from you – carrying your love, heart and energy, and then SPILLING it onto your man.

    Imagine him getting ALL you have to give, it just drops all over him, filling him with your love and energy, and then the wheel keeps turning…

    6. Now, imagine, as the Waterwheel keeps turning and the bottom part is returning to you – imagine what YOU’RE getting.

    What you’re getting is the DRIPS left over after all your love and energy give all their “water” to your man.

    The wheel is EMPTY by the time it gets back to you.

    7. Now imagine this for a minute or so.

    Wheel turns, picks up your love, heart and energy like water, turns more, spills all your precious love on him, and then keeps turning, returning back to you empty and dripping.

    How does that feel?

    Pretty icky, doesn’t it?

    Does it feel like the way your relationship feels?

    So – let’s use the WATERWHEEL to CHANGE all this.

    1. Now, imagine the wheel turning in the OTHER direction – toward YOU.

    2. Imagine it picking up all the love, heart and energy from your MAN, and then turning to drop it and deliver it, and spill it beautifully all over YOU.

    3. Let your arms drop by your sides, turn your palms over, and imagine that the wheel is turning – returning now to HIM, all dripping and empty.

    4. Now, to make sure that you’re not only TAKING, but GIVING BACK, too, imagine his love, heart and energy coming toward you, spilling all over you, filling you up, making you feel fantastic, and juicing up your own personal fountain of love, heart and energy.

    5. Imagine all this juicy, lovely energy of your own heart drifting down your arms and out to him through the palms of your hands.

    Imagine you’re just naturally flowing with the waterwheel, and your energy is giving BACK to him, along with the dripping and nearly empty waterwheel.

    Lean your body back while you’re doing this, so you don’t feel like you’re GIVING – but that you’re clearly GIVING BACK – a response to his love and heart and energy coming to you on the Waterwheel.

    The trick here is to imagine this ALL THE TIME – even if you can’t feel his love coming toward you.

    Even when he hasn’t called in days.

    Even while you’re flirting with other men and imagining THEIR Waterwheels turning toward you.

    Imagine the whole WORLD of Waterwheels turning toward you.

    And that your ONLY JOB is to open your heart and let the water, love, heart and energy come in.

    Your only job is to RECEIVE.

  72.  #72Laughing Goddess on July 8, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Dorothea: Why don’t you want to be with him?

  73.  #73Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Because he acts gay a lot of the time.

    He’s like my sister=/

    Me and another girl have thought about informing him of this, since he has sooo many girl friends and crushes, but doesn’t understand why he keeps getting friend-zoned. But telling someone they act like a gay queen sometimes is a very sensitive thing to do.

    It’s almost like he tries like hell to get close to a woman by relating to her a little too well. Acting like my sassy girlfriend turns me OFF.

    In other ways, he is all man, and it is yummy.

    But I can never see past the gayness thing.

    I’ve even thought about “could I see past this?” but i can’t…and it’s so pronounced it makes my friends uncomfortable the first time they meet him. Or they ask me if he’s gay, or if he’s extremely uncomfortable…

  74.  #74tinque on July 8, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    T-Girl – You already answered you own question, yet I wanted to let you know this is a good way to go. There is so much more meaning and depth to feeling love when you really pay attention to how it is being said without words. Words are lovely; about this there’s no doubt. I found for me since I wasn’t getting them either for a long time and even now not that often, I get to hear it every day, many, many times a day because I learned to hear it in so many other ways.

    And one day if you really want to say without having any expectations about the words being returned, go for it.


  75.  #75Laughing Goddess on July 8, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    I feel confused though because she says this…

    “4. Now, to make sure that you’re not only TAKING, but GIVING BACK, too, imagine his love, heart and energy coming toward you, spilling all over you, filling you up, making you feel fantastic, and juicing up your own personal fountain of love, heart and energy.

    5. Imagine all this juicy, lovely energy of your own heart drifting down your arms and out to him through the palms of your hands.

    Imagine you’re just naturally flowing with the waterwheel, and your energy is giving BACK to him, along with the dripping and nearly empty waterwheel.

    Lean your body back while you’re doing this, so you don’t feel like you’re GIVING – but that you’re clearly GIVING BACK – a response to his love and heart and energy coming to you on the Waterwheel.”

    which seems to contradict how she ends it


    “your only job is to receive”

    I feel interested to hear how other people interpret this.

  76.  #76Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    75, LG
    Yes, this has been my number one challenge – reconciling the two

    And then, in the end, it feels like work. So my only job isn’t to receive, but to figure out how the heck to receive and give back.


  77.  #77FlowerChild77 on July 8, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    I might be wrong, but when I first heard Rori talk about this what I pictured in my mind was first his waterwheel coming back empty and our waterwheel coming back empty–and then—-

    The next part it’s that we have our own love and joy, etc. AND all of his love and joy is coming at us and falling all around us, in through us–so much so that it’s dripping out of the tips of our fingers–overflowing.

    That way, we have more than just ‘our’ love, we’ve received his, as well, and so we are not just ‘giving’ we are ‘giving back’ (because we are SO overflowingly drenched in love.

    ???? Does this make sense?

  78.  #78Plum on July 8, 2011 at 3:05 pm

  79.  #79Laughing Goddess on July 8, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Leaning Back can feel cold to a man – or it can feel WARM! And warm is what you want.

    Leaning Back can feel to a man like you’re closing down and shutting down and blocking him out – or it can feel like you’re taking the pressure off him you’ve been putting on him, and simply opening up your heart, soul and body to him.

    Leaning Back without Opening Up can become a great “strategy” for managing the Energy Exchange between you and a man…and yet it’s only one PART of the Rori Raye Dance Position. (The entire Dance Position is in my Commitment Blueprint program) – so that instead of being cold – you’re leaning back AND being amazingly OPEN and receptive…

    It’s a very different feeling…for him and for you.

    This is the Modern Siren combo – making a man feel safe and yet thrilled. Opening him up and opening up the emotional depth of the relationship by opening YOURSELF up in his presence.

    It doesn’t necessarily mean deliberately sharing personal and private thoughts, feelings and your history.

    What opening up means is that you allow yourself to be open and vulnerable just standing or sitting around with him. You allow yourself to just Be, instead of being in your head about the past or the future. Without thinking about ANYTHING.

    It’s a complete absence of an agenda.

    What does it feel like to have  no agenda?

    It’s different for each of us…so, to do the exercise I want you to do – write it down like I did here…

    Here’s what comes in as feelings and pictures to me when I imagine having no “plan”…

    I feel like a baby looking around and seeing things for the first time.

    I feel completely lost…at sea…no rudder, no sense of direction.

    I feel a huge wave of weird in my stomach.

    I feel peaceful.

    I want to go to sleep.

    I want to do something “useless” and “unproductive”…like stare at a wall. Or stare at my fingernail, or an object.

    I want to “fuzz out” with my eyes and brain.

    I see things on my desk I didn’t know were there.

    I feel physically uncomfortable where I didn’t notice it before.

    I feel anxious – like I don’t know what’s coming at me.

    I feel released.

    I feel “permission” to be useless and unproductive.

    I feel pretty.

    And on and on…

    See what’s going on for you, by imagining having no agenda at this moment – no “plan” for what the next moment’s going to be – and writing it all down.

    First – imagine a fabulous man is standing right in front of you, smiling at you.

    Imagine having no agenda, no plan, no action in mind. Imagine just being there.

    As a starter: Here’s what it feels like for me:

    I feel his blue eyes …like they’re jumping out of his face and coming to me…

    I can feel my shoulders relaxing and my stomach giving way.

    All of a sudden I can feel tingling in my vagina, moving energy, wetness.

    I don’t want to give up my plan.

    I feel fear to just stop my train of thought and let my plan for the next moment go limp…

    Now let’s explore what that feels like for YOU…Go on and write your feelings, impressions, sensations and experience down.

    I’d love to have a great collection of all your writing and experience doing this…

    Love, Rori

  80.  #80Plum on July 8, 2011 at 3:10 pm


    From Rori:

    “Never Say I Love You First

    My husband’s away for a bit, with his family on the east coast, and I opted to stay home and create a lovely “retreat” for myself.

    This morning he called, it was a nice talk, I said I miss you and he said nothing back, just kept talking about something else, then I said I love you, and he said nothing back, just went ahead talking about stuff, finishing up the call, I said “…if you don’t tell me you love me I’m going to be mad….”

    He backtracked and of course said it….whewwweee….

    How weird are emotions?

    Lesson – never say I love you unless you’re positive you’re not expecting anything in return – which is NEVER going to happen…because it’s IMPOSSIBLE not to notice that a man doesn’t say it back….so even after all these years, I still have to be cool and lean back…

    I walk my talk, and I shared with him on the next call (he started calling even more often and saying I love you for sure…) how weird all that felt, and that I didn’t want him to feel obligated to say he loves me, but that it feels really bad when he doesn’t – so how is this landing for him?

    So he told me he didn’t feel any obligation – (guess what – men DON’T feel obligated!!! That’s a “woman” thing we’ve been taught and fed and made to feel guilty about…) and I realized at that moment that I was making something out of nothing.

    Exactly like I talk about here.

    I really, really wanted him to say I love you.

    It was so important to me, apparently, that I was waiting for it. I was noticing the absense of it. I cared whether he said it or not.

    I was feeling all kinds of things, with him not there with me.

    I had all kinds of expectations and conflicting feelings. I felt angry – even though I had no “cause” to be angry. I felt frustrated. I felt sad. I felt happy. I felt all kinds of things and was only aware of some of them.

    But it all comes down to ONE THING.

    I could easily have processed my feelings. There on the call with him, or after…I could have written here about it, or journalled, or cried, or danced and sang or drawn and painted or gone somewhere or channeled in so many ways.

    But, instead – I said I love you first.

    I tried to get him to say it by saying it first.

    This wasn’t walking my talk. This was an old thing coming up.

    I wasn’t truly sharing my feelings, expressing myself.

    It wasn’t love I was talking – it was – “I’ll say it and then YOU’LL say it!”

    I was trying to GET him to say it.

    I didn’t know it at the time.

    I thought I was just being loving.

    I thought I didn’t really have an agenda.

    I thought I didn’t really care if he said it or not after all these 20 plus years together.

    I knew he loves me, and so I thought I didn’t feel insecure or WANT anything from him. And so I said it.

    And guess what. I was wrong.

    I felt like every other woman on the planet who says I love you first. I felt BAD. I felt stupid.

    I felt those things because he didn’t respond quickly enough. He didn’t get the message. He didn’t pick up on the clue.

    And so – I started feeling MORE things.

    Now – imagine if we do this all day long. With our man, our children, our friends. What if there’s ALWAYs a hidden agenda?

    What if we’re not all as “together” as we seem to be or think we are?

    What if simple things like affection and attention and words are NOT so very simple?

    What if everything’s some kind of signal to our more primitive, old-habit brain?

    I re-discovered that, for me at least – that’s the truth.

    I didn’t just cancel out my entire programming and habits. I may have replaced them with much better skills and more awareness and knowledge and love of myself – but – those Nasty Voices and inner pressures are still THERE.

    They don’t go away.

    So – the trick here is to catch it when it happens.

    I caught it. I spoke what I caught.

    I wish I could have laughed, but I didn’t feel that – I felt silly, but not in a fun sort of way. Later I laughed, and now I’m telling you so I can feel the bitterweetness of how even the smallest thing can trigger us.

    So here’s the deal: Have faith that the Tools work. Maybe not instantly, at every moment, exactly the way you want them to – at your fingertips ready to go into action – but once you catch something, and get an awareness you didn’t have before – everything shifts.

    The old habits get fuzzier, and the new skills and powers and depth of real feeling come forward and fill your energy with more light and clarity.

    And this can happen especially when you make a “mistake.”

    Saying and doing something that ends up making you feel bad because it actually started as an old habit thought – still – that can open up a NEW door for you. Like this little thing did for me.

    No matter what – you still cannot say I love you first.

    Yes – You must open your heart first. Always. You must be like an open book with the pages that are you – flying free for everyone to see. The colorful ones and the black and white ones, and the empty ones, too.

    But the words. The words come from places we don’t always see.

    If I had said: ” I’m noticing that I’m sort of waiting for you to say I love you. This feels really weird after being with you so long…” – that would have been different. That would have been my book open.

    But, instead – I tried for a higher spiritual plane where it didn’t “matter” that I said it first. And I discovered that I said it as a “trick.”

    So – look for YOUR tricks – start to notice them when you want to do them.

    I’ll be working right alongside you, doing my Tools, waving my arms in the water and the air like the Siren I am, floating in the sweet, flosing waters of myself, and picturing you doing the same.

    Love, Rori ”

    written by Rori Raye •
    Sunday, 4 July 2010 @ 5:02pm


  81.  #81Nini on July 8, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    Dear All
    The presentation went well.
    Having a good time.
    Going out with people and having dinners out.
    I am liking it.

  82.  #82Daria on July 8, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    wow i was watching love scripts and… one of the women started speaking abou ther sadness

    and i felt moved and was now crying! a lot!

  83.  #83alias girl on July 8, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    last night i fell into “polite” mode.

    and my FM went out the window. with three different men.

    i don’t know what i could have said

    “thank you for inviting me to play tennis with you. i feel very appreciative and had fun and learned a lot! i feel bad somehow i am leaving with none of my brand new tennis balls i came with.”


    “I feel guilty saying this because you were so generous with your time and i don’t want to be a stingy or petty person and i don’t know tennis ettiquette. i just feel bad i am leaving with no balls.”


    this trigger comes from me not wanting to appear “cheap” (and i kind of am right now but don’t want to be with others)

    so i am overcompensating me feeling cheap by being unfair to myself. why do they get to leave with all the balls??? and then they looked at me funny when i say i am going to go look for the ones that went over the fence.

    i felt cheap. and i want to be appreciative. and i felt conflicted.

    🙁 i still feel a lil bad about it because i feel i dishonored my true self.

    they mirrored my “i’m cheap” vibe back to me. wah.

  84.  #84alias girl on July 8, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    and the other guy i should have walked away from.

    i tried to “help” him. (lol.) and give him “advice.” (roar.)

    he went ON AND ON about his “crazy” ex. and the divorce battle they are in.

    and didn’t seem all that interested that he had the presence of a goddess he could be enjoying.

    i felt ick.

    but i had gotten myself in a situation and wanted to be polite and not abruptly leave since i knew i would be seeing him again in the neighborhood.

    i don’t know what i could have said.

    “i feel anxious to hear this. you had warned me it was a “long story” and i encourage you to tell it and now i am feeling maybe i changed my mind.””

    but definitely if anyone ever says to me again “it’s a long story.” — i don’t think i want to hear it.

    i DEFINITELY won’t encourage it!!!

    i don’t want to hear people’s long sob stories they keep active in their vibration by telling anyone who is sorry enough to listen.

    and hopefully if i ever try to share one of my “long stories” with someone else they will decline the offer and i will SNAP OUT OF IT and return to the present moment. which is bliss potential.

  85.  #85Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    alias girl,
    ohhh please don’t be hard on yourself.

    For me, I am not always polite. Who says you have to be? Sometimes I just laugh and ask “sooooo, are you going to steal all my tennis balls?” in a joking way.

    First and foremost, I want my property back. If they act in a way that shows me it just slipped their mind, or that they care about what I want, then sure I’ll worry about whether or not to see them again. But really, give me my sh*t back, lol!

  86.  #86alias girl on July 8, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    “i feel good to talk about other things” ?

    “I am starting to feel talked at”

    “i don’t feel connected.”

    “YOU FEEL TOXIC!” oh, no, my bad. i mean…

    “i am starting to feel bad hearing of the lack of love in this situation. i don’t know what to do. what do you think?”

  87.  #87Daria on July 8, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    I’m feeling so drained and tired

    i feel ICK when i think of yesterday and my sister saying not to use the upstairs bathroom to have sex and that her mom was in the house and the kids were around

    eeeek! i feel cringy heart i feel embarassed i love my embarassment!


    that feels good

  88.  #88Daria on July 8, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    im feeling so drained… like a puddle of hotness

    i love my puddle of hotness

    i love my tired ness


  89.  #89Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    ERRRRRR! I feel bad for letting him do this to me TWICE this week. I look so cute right now and it’s a waste. He asked me on Monday if we could do fireworks with the kids on Tuesday. So I let my kids pick some out and they got all excited about it and he backed out with a good excuse and rescheduled for tonight. He didn’t have any contact with me yesterday, but I felt like I had to call him to see what was happening so I call him tonight and he backs out AGAIN! I am so frustrated right now! I wish he would just say I don’t want to spend time with you but he keeps coming up with plans and breaking them.I want to completely cut him out of my life but my love for him is so great and my kids love him and his kids so much that they hurt when I do that. I just don’t know what to do! I feel so bad for letting him into my kids life….I feel crappy for kicking him out….I feel so mad!!!! I have been so open, I have changed my responses, I want to give up! I hate crying, I hate this hurt, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!

  90.  #90Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    Hugs, Ice princess. Can you go with your kids, with you lookin all cute right now, to do the fireworks without them? Or go exercise your milf-iness with them at the ice cream shoppe?

  91.  #91alias girl on July 8, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    thanks dorothea. yes, that is a brilliant suggestion.

    my humor always seems to leave me when i am triggered by my shame.

    but i could have just made a little joke. that’s a good idea.

    i wonder though. even thinking about it i feel shame. i feel “cheap” saying anything. and also because he was so generous with teaching me how to play and inviting me into the game.

    i felt like i “owed” them something.

    still why do they get to leave with All of them? isn’t that cheap of them? (ah i am now projecting my cheap-shame-trigger onto THEM. lol. why does anyone need to be labelled “cheap.?)

    they both acted like the balls were theirs to begin with. uh, did you come into the park with that cannister? no.

    what i actually said was, “those were mine, but that’s ok.”


    i could have said, ” i feel weird leaving with no balls.”

    and i can’t get past my “i’m cheap” shame trigger.

    maybe if i wasn’t so cheap i wouldn’t have this. lol. i wouldn’t think twice about it.


    i feel embarassed.

  92.  #92LobbyStar on July 8, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    A week ago tonight I got naked and slippery with a guy; it was our first time together, and it was good. I didn’t hear from him until Monday, a quick text wishing me a happy 4th of July. Nothing since.

    I don’t feel bad about this at all. I feel unattached and pretty laid back about it. Talking to other men, 4-5 other CDs swirling around me.

    But I do kind of miss this guy. I typed out a text to him today, but didn’t send it. I feel good that I’m showing some sort of self-control.

  93.  #93Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    I would seriously just say “give me my balls back” *smile*

    this is good that you are noticing and processing. The trigger is GOOD, right? it helps you become a more grounded and authentic lady:)

  94.  #94alias girl on July 8, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    “wow! playing tennis with you guys felt great. do you mind if I take a couple of the balls too?”

    ??? it’s not all FMy but whatever. sometimes FMs feel submissive and i am like 50-50 sub/dom. i am half man, world. deal with it.

    (hi NIKITA- possible future dom!!)

  95.  #95Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    Dorothea, I am a crying mess now! I promised them we would do fireworks so as soon as I pick up all these little pieces I will take them out and do a couple with them. I just wish I knew how to deal with LP. I somehow expected him to cancel on me so I dont know why I am so darn upset really. I guess it is because I have been looking forward to seeing him and feel like he could care less about me.

  96.  #96alias girl on July 8, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    dorothea. lol.

    yes, this is actually a big social trigger for me. i often will try to overcompensate to cover for my secret cheapness. so is good to process through it and leave it behind forever.

  97.  #97alias girl on July 8, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    ice princess… sometimes i will have a back up plan in case something falls through. i know daria is good with this.

    ie i will tell myself, ok, if this date doesn’t come through i am going to drive to the pier and go on the rollerocoaster or something. or i am going to go to the plaza and have a tea and a ride on the trolley. or i am going to….

    this way my vibe doesn’t get all screwed up and i can still have a good time. (sometimes maybe even a BETTER time than originally planned AND i meet someone else!)

  98.  #98T-Girl on July 8, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    80 Plum

    Thank you! That is exactly what I needed to read! I am not going to say it, I’m just going to feel my feelings instead and show it.

  99.  #99T-Girl on July 8, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    74 Tinque – its funny because I feel in his actions that he loves me and I notice each and every one. I’m not going to focus on the words anymore, just the actions.

  100.  #100Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    I want to call him so bad right now and tell him to just leave me alone and to stop playing with my heart if he has no intention of trying with me honestly. I know I shouldn’t but I want to. His dr told me to keep trying with him, his dad told me not to give up, but I feel like the only one here fighting.

  101.  #101Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    More Hugs, Ice Princess. When you’re done letting it all out, I hope you get yourself un-mussified, and go look cute in the world.

    Do you know the drop to your knees tool?

    It could help you out the other side of this one!

  102.  #102Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    No, I don’t know that.

  103.  #103tinque on July 8, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Look into his eyes T-Girl. It’s all there.


  104.  #104Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    The tears are slowing…
    I am breathing…
    I want this attachment gone…
    I am a catch…
    I am worthy of being loved…
    He can’t have me in his back pocket for when he wants to interact!

  105.  #105Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Well, shoot, I have to run…but if Daria is around I bet she knows it! Or someone else might be able to share it. If not, I’ll be back in 1 hour!

  106.  #106Lilybelle on July 8, 2011 at 4:29 pm


    “I am worthy of being loved”.

    Yes you are.

  107.  #107alias girl on July 8, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    sometimes i drop to my knees and just breathe.

    almost like i am in “child’s pose” in yoga. and i just let myself feel whatever i am feeling. (despair, crying, shaking, numb, or whatever it is)

    and then i start to feel the carpet fibers with my fingers and say “thank you”

    or put my palm on the wall and touch it and feel it and say “thank you”

    and slowly, gently, easy with myself,

    i allow balance to return to me in whatever time it takes.

  108.  #108Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    Thanks Alias Girl for sharing.

  109.  #109Lilybelle on July 8, 2011 at 4:39 pm


    I have done that too, it’s usually when I am looking for something I dropped. LOL!

    JUST kidding.

    I actually have done that. It was really strange when it happened, almost like it was a reflex..there was no thought surrounding it. Sobbing my eyes out and the next thing you know, I was on my knees…

  110.  #110Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    When he does contact me again I want to say something like,”I feel like I value whatever we have more than you do. I know that you are busy and stressed at work, but I feel unimportant, uncared for. I don’t want to be more work in your life and I understand if you need to walk away, but please have the decency to be honest with me and yourself.” Is this wrong?

  111.  #111Laughing Goddess on July 8, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    I feeling super triggered right now.

    My landlord is coming up for the yearly inspection and I feel so stressed. I feel scared of being kicked out. I feel scared they will think I am not good enough and I will be out on the streets.

    The thing is, this is totally irrational.

    Even if the worse thing happened and they weren’t happy with me, I could find another place. I have plenty of people I could stay with if I had to. I have enough money to take care of myself. I have my beloved, family, friends, who would all be willing to help me. It’s really going to be okay.

    Yet, I have a huge trauma reaction coming up. I imagine this is from childhood when we were homeless for a bit.

    But you know what? We made it through that. And this is a totally different situation.

    I don’t have to be that scared little girl.

    Maybe she just needs consoling.

    This could be a great opportunity actually. They are going to fix some things and maybe my place with be nicer.

    I’ve lived here for over two years, the neighbors love me, I haven’t damaged the house beyond normal wear and tear.

    I know everything is going to be fine.

    Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe something great will come from this.

    Maybe it’s an opportunity to get over these deep fears.

  112.  #112Laughing Goddess on July 8, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    I feel a lot better after talking to my dad. I feel so happy that our relationship has improved. I feel really supported by him. I’m pretty independent and don’t ask much from him, physically or emotionally, but I feel so grateful knowing that he is there when I need it.

    I feel intense emotions right now and also deep healing.

  113.  #113Lilybelle on July 8, 2011 at 4:53 pm


    I’m sorry you are feeling so triggered by a visit from your landlady person dude..

    Big, ginormous hugs.

  114.  #114Daria on July 8, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    thank you Daria for taking an AMAZING feeling apple vinegar bath

    thank you Daria for scrubbing my feet

    thank you Daria for wearing house clothes

    thank you for using green soap on my back


    thank you for massaging my head and brushing my hair

    thank you for feeding me fun and delicious chocolates

    Thank you Dad for getting me and my mom chocolates for the third time in a row/!!! it feels really good!

    thank you Daria for taking such careful and loving care of my burn

    thank you leg for healing!

    thank you Daria for honoring self during sex

    Tahnk you daria for having sex!

  115.  #115Lilybelle on July 8, 2011 at 4:57 pm



    When I read it, I felt a bit blamed…if I were in his shoes.
    I am not good at these kinds of FM’s but the thing about them is to really sink into how you are feeling about you at the moment.

    So, how about re-phrasing it to tell him how YOU feel without “you’s” in it.

    Daria?? LG??

  116.  #116Daria on July 8, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    oh hey, i want my balls! 🙂

  117.  #117Daria on July 8, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    i feel so embarassed bringing this up eek… umm… it would feel great to have my balls back… i feel really attached to them.. lol

  118.  #118Lilybelle on July 8, 2011 at 5:03 pm



    It would be fun to say… I seem to have lost my balls. Could you give me your balls please?

    hee hee

  119.  #119Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Thanks Lilybelle for your feedback. I wonder how I could say what I want to say without blaming?? Anyone??

  120.  #120Daria on July 8, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    i feeling so much more confident about my beign a coach

    i talked to my sister and told her the main philosophy – cdating

    and i felt powerful and clear… and heard

    it all seemed to make sense

    and then i encouraged her friend who was feeling embarassed in a situation with a guy

    i felt awed at myself!


    and then we talked about that past situation with guywho and his sister (who punched me) some of you friends of mine here may remember that

    and they didnt even know what all had happened!

    and i felt powerful and clear and non blamy talking about it

    it felt so different

    i feel so much more self loving and safe and powerful than before!

  121.  #121Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    @28: Mel says:
    “…Went to look at an apartment today. Yuck. For what I can afford, I will most certainly be living in a musty cave-like hole in this city….”

    Hi Mel, I probably missed something. Why are you moving? Did you not like your present location or are you going to another city?

    How is it that your husband doesn’t want to be married to you but you are the one leaving? Are you both leaving? Is this what is happening? Can you work out something more convenient? Didn’t he offer to go?

    Whatever is most comfortable to you is the right thing to do but I encourage a second look at your plans if you are leaving your home in order to make things convenient for your husband.

    If any one asked, and I know you didn’t, I would advise against it.



    BTW, I’m sure my housing budget is smaller than yours and I don’t live in a musty cave-hole. And if I did, it would be the yummiest cave you ever saw.

  122.  #122Lilybelle on July 8, 2011 at 5:10 pm


    I agree with SLV. IF you want to stay in that city, I would stay in my house and he would be leaving. I would then find a roommate to share the expenses if I had to.

  123.  #123Daria on July 8, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    i am different!

    in herbal news:

    i am LOVING how castor oil gets absorbed into the skin… and i am attributing a major part of the rapid healing of my burn to using castor oil over the top of the other oils (scar preventative, tea tree, sometime comfrey oil) on my burn

    im wondering about infusing some herbs into Castor oil as a skin treatment..

    i notice a lot of herbalists nowadays infuse in olive oil, and … i don’t like it so much…

    it feels… weak…

    my comfrey oil, for example, does not do the magnificent skin healing things i expect from comfrey…. compared to the rich st joans wort salve i had from romania

    im wondering aobut infusing Comfrey, in Castor oil for amazing absorbancy and rapid healing

    any inspirations, experiences, wisdom about infusing in Castor oil? does it absorb herbs well

  124.  #124Mel on July 8, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    No… we’re both leaving. I’m staying where I am until the lease expires at the end of the summer. He probably will too but will be staying on the couch.

    I can’t afford to keep this place on my own and the city where we live has really high rental prices.

    I’d like to move back home, but I have no job there. I’m hesitant to leave this job unless i have something else to go to.

  125.  #125tinque on July 8, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    grapeseed oil Daria, try grapeseed…or rosehip


  126.  #126Mel on July 8, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Also, i need a car where we currently live. there is no public transport. I can’t afford to live here (even with a roommate) and pay for a car payment, gas, insurance etc.

    I need a NICE tiny place in the city within walking distance of the essentials and a short bus ride away from other stuff.

  127.  #127alias girl on July 8, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    re 110 ice princess

    rori teaches to remove Blame and remove YOU from the statements

    how about:

    “I feel unimportant and uncared for. I don’t want to add more stress to somebody’s life and that’s a little how i am feeling. what do you think?”

  128.  #128Lilybelle on July 8, 2011 at 5:19 pm


    I think what you are looking for is what I imagine SLV’s place to be like.

    So the city you live in is smallish?

  129.  #129Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    I love it Alias Girl!

  130.  #130Lilybelle on July 8, 2011 at 5:21 pm


    I am going to have a scar on the top of my foot from an oven cleaner burn. Nasty stuff.

  131.  #131Mel on July 8, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    I currently am in a beautiful small town about 30 min drive from the city.

    The city I (might) move to has about a million people. So not tiny, but not a huge city either.

  132.  #132Mel on July 8, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    “Home” is about 4000 km away (~2500 miles)

  133.  #133DE on July 8, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    Judgements of others…are mirrors and triggers of unhealed parts of our subconscious…they come out covered and embellished as caring, concerns…upsets…sadness…yet, they are run by vicious crawlers in the background (subconscious)…

    I recently judged Kaitlyn as contradicting herself; For example, I noticed on one hand she uses language to put herself down like “whore” or “stupid”…and on the other she takes pride in the money she makes from her profession; access to high end life style, for how she easy to get men, etc.. ;
    I also judged her for giving the vibe of “a poor me”; for acting like a diva; for pretending she doesn’t know …she can’t help nobody etc…

    I felt soo worked up about it… cause deep down I care for her success in life, I desire connection, and feeling like I make a contribution to her life…:( so, after a bit of venting, Daria reminded me of the mirror…and let me tell u, I could not see it behind my “good deeds”…for a while anyway…till I decided to give it a try to work through it alone…so,

    In what way she mirrors me…what am I hiding in my subconscious? Here they are:

    Acceptance for hiding behind my own inner contradictions…I act strong…yet, I don’t feel strong…I act as if I am accomplished…yet, I haven’t accomplished any of the things my heart desires…

    Acceptance for often hiding feeling like a “poor me” because they told me it is a weakness and it would stand in my path of success; also that I would not inspire trust in leadership roles…

    Acceptance for hiding my own inner diva–they told me humility is better than being a diva; my nvs tell me it would keep me from opening/attracting a good man…

    Acceptance for hiding feeling overwhelmed and powerless in desiring to have the answers and help others…they told me if you have the answer you have to share it with the rest…my inner Diva doesn’t want to do that often…she wants to hold on to what she knows …she does not want to be involved…she does not want nobody else’s problems…she does not want to be the sponge of energy of others who don’t take responsibility for themselves…she does not want to save nobody…and yes, she is selfish…

    I love my inner contradictions…they served their purpose to get me as far…

    I love my “poor me” feelings…they allow me to rest…

    I love my “inner diva”…she reminds me I am worthy…

    I love my selfish thoughts…they allow me to stay centered…

    I love me…all of me…

    Sigh…clarity feels good…it is indeed so empowering…

  134.  #134Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    lg 111,
    i remember you posting this same exact thing last year about your land lord, lol.

  135.  #135Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 5:29 pm


    @39: Plum says:
    “…28 Mel
    Would you consider staying in your house and have him leave the place?
    Have you asked a lawyer about this?
    He is the one who wants to stop the marriage, you have no reason at all to be the one leaving and suffering a bad housing…”

    I can only say:

    I remembered posting similar to some time ago.
    1) Get a GOOD lawyer
    2) If husband doesn’t want the relationship, I’d expect him to leave and very, very soon.

    What is your GOOD lawyer saying about this? I’m American and here you are not automatically forced to immediately reduce your standard of living because a man doesn’t want you anymore. Are you sure Canada is so far different?

    If Rusty has advised going to a musty cave-hole, I suggest ignoring that bit of advice and considering something else. Please!



  136.  #136Daria on July 8, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    SLV – me too! about the cave! yum…

    and… i want my room to be yummy. is IS yummy…

    somehow ALTARS have popped up around my room… i have 3 or more…

    and the only thing is it feels a bit chaotic… which i love… but lately i’ve been wanting more stream flow less chaos

    i was feeling overwhelmed

    and i did clear some of my chaos

    i love myself!

  137.  #137Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    Ice Princess,
    When you can’t move past a feeling…like when you’re stuck feeling a certain way…in your case upset over dude cancelling again..

    you drop to your knees and FEEL it. like really feel it. indulge in that feeling to the max.

    you’ll eventually get bored with it and get up, and do something more interesting with your time.

    hope i explained this well. anyone else feel free to elaborate:)

  138.  #138Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    @45: Brenda


  139.  #139Daria on July 8, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    i am finding info about how to infuse cator oil online, including videos from a woman doing it for her hair… i feel inspired and happy to see women are doing this…

    im on my path to doing it too

    i think mullein sprung up in my yard!

    so now i will just start dumping old teas in my “mulch” part of the yard where ive been tossing my compost the past year to make it rich

  140.  #140Lilybelle on July 8, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    I am pleasantly surprised at how inexpensive adding pretty, feminine, decorative touches to my little cave is.

  141.  #141Daria on July 8, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    WOW DE – you are so brave, committed, and inspiring!

    thank you for sharing!!!

    your presence feels like a strong wind lifting and empowering me to keep on healing myself too

  142.  #142Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    I can’t thank you enough and all the other Sirens too for your help tonight!!!! I am feeling so much better and can’t wait to say my feeling messages when he does contact again. 🙂 🙂 🙂

  143.  #143Daria on July 8, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Tinque – what about the castor oil… what are your experiences with castor oil?

    im loving the thick rich stickyness of it

    i have grapessed oil to cook with… feels a lil too light on my skin

  144.  #144alias girl on July 8, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    re 129. aw.


    i LOVE to feel appreciated. <3

  145.  #145Daria on July 8, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Lilybelle – “i am going to get a scar” yes you are if you choose to believe it !

    here’s what i use for scars… this whole company line is STRONG MEDICINE

  146.  #146Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Mel, I am the queen of cheap decorating. When you get your place, we’ll help you with ideas, if you want!

  147.  #147Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    @81: Nini

    Yay, Nini!


  148.  #148Lilybelle on July 8, 2011 at 5:48 pm


    Oh boy, Daria! Thanks for the link.
    I’ve saved this to my fav’s! I’ll go snooping around there now…

  149.  #149rusty on July 8, 2011 at 5:52 pm


    Have you considered looking for a roommate situation? Often there are women in the same situation as you, needing a nice place to live, but can’t afford it on their own. So they advertise for roommates.

    You might even make a lifelong friend that way. You just have to go through an interview process, to be determined by the woman wanting a roommate. I don’t see you having a problem making friends with one of them.

    Might be something to look into. What do you think?

  150.  #150Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    @94: alias girl says:
    “…??? it’s not all FMy but whatever. sometimes FMs feel submissive and i am like 50-50 sub/dom. i am half man, world. deal with it.
    (hi NIKITA- possible future dom!!)…”

    You too? I took some little, probably bogus, Internet test last year. It said my brain was half female/half male. And… surprise, surprise… that’s within average range for females.

    Maybe Mistress Nikita leans a little more to one side.

    Hey, Nikita, dahhhhlinggg. 😀


  151.  #151Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    I almost looked at his fb page but i stopped myself

    I considered it would make me feel bad, basically one way or another. If he was saying good things, I would feel bad he’s not calling me to say them…and if he was saying bad things, I’d feel bad about that, period.

    So glad I put the man crack pipe down before taking a hit. Jeeez

  152.  #152Laughing Goddess on July 8, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    Re 134

    Ya, I forgot about that but I guess I did. Them comin is such a huge trigger for me.

    Huge! One of the hugest!!!

  153.  #153Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    Had an awful conflict with my ex-h and now I feel worried that it is an unhealed trigger that will eventually surface again in a new relationship. 🙁 I felt very angry and heartbroken abt something he did. Judgments came up in my thoughts (tho I didn’t voice most of them… was trying so hard to avoid blaming): he doesn’t care about my feelings, he subconsciously Wanted to hurt me, he wanted to provoke me to anger for some reason, he doesn’t “get” me,

  154.  #154Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    I wrote a poem to distract myself. Love it! It’s in Spanish. When I write in other languages, it forces me to be more mindful about what I am trying to express, instead of creating “poems” that are really just feeling messages on literary steroids.

  155.  #155Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    (jdgments cont’d)… he rarely paid attention to my needs in our marriage and that’s why he ends up doing hurtful things like this….

  156.  #156DE on July 8, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Daria # 141

    Thank you Daria…It felt reassuring to have your feedback 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  157.  #157Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    @104: Ice Princess says:
    “The tears are slowing…
    I am breathing…
    I want this attachment gone…
    I am a catch…
    I am worthy of being loved…
    He can’t have me in his back pocket for when he wants to interact!…”

    Hello, IP.

    Maybe you can put *him* in your back pocket… 😀

    Here’s what Rori says:

    “Is Your Man Just A “Snack”?
    Some men are relationship ‘lite.’
    He’s charming, he’s lovely, he’s exactly what you want — only he’s really
    just a snack.
    He doesn’t really “get” what it is you want…”


  158.  #158Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Yesss I love the doggy bag, snack concept!!

    Thanks for sharing, SLV

  159.  #159Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    So… how do we know when it is “me” (is it Always me?) and when it is a “toxic man”?

  160.  #160Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 6:13 pm


    That sounds fun! If only I could reduce my feelings and not his occupancy in my mind then that might just work. I need a distraction, I need to CD, but I feel like I have limited time as a single mom and I tried the online dating site thing but it is scary to me because I don’t want to become a victim again.

  161.  #161tinque on July 8, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    Lilybelly – Helychrysum for scarring, even old ones.


  162.  #162Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    @111: Laughing Goddess says:
    “…I feeling super triggered right now.
    My landlord is coming up for the yearly inspection and I feel so stressed…”

    The story I tell myself is I’d better make a note before the inspection of all the little things that need taking care by the landlord, just in case I forget to point them out during the inspection.

    You could start jotting down things now… if any of your hardware in toilets needs replacing, faucets, flooring tiles, etc Get everything you want. It’s better too for landlord to fix little things before they become big things!

    Remember you are paying them not the other way around.

    And don’t even stress yourself about having things shipshape. Darling, call a cleaning service. Two people come and zip zap all is in order.

    the princess 😆

  163.  #163Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    OOps! “Not”should not be in there

  164.  #164tinque on July 8, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    Daria – I don’t have much hands on experience with castor oil. For me I find it too thick and non-penetrable, but if your skin loves it, hey go for it.It’s rich in good oils.


  165.  #165Daria on July 8, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    im using forces of nature for scars but dont have too much experience with their scar stuff (though it does seem to have my skin heal without a scab)

    some of their other products have been very very helpful to me and i feel glad this company exists

  166.  #166DE on July 8, 2011 at 6:22 pm


    I was married with a highly tempered man…mental issues (bi-polar i suspect) and use of drugs…for nine years…it’s been 8 years since divorce…and i have to say …only till recently …he triggered me in awful ways always…:(

    I purchased Rori’s Toxic Men program…soooo reveleaing…not about him as much as about me…

    So, I think there is no way to tell how much is u or him…In my case, I had to learn about my patterns and underlining belifs…and placed me each time in loosing my personal power while interacting with him…

    The more you learn about yourself…your subconscious beliefs/what triggers you…the more you will be able to understand yourself…

    One thing though…the fact u react with anger…it is a immediate clue it is U, my dear…when it’s not U…u will feel sad, turned off, disappointed…but no longer anger or rage…:)

    Warm hugs,

  167.  #167Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    On the positive side- I had been feeling a bit reluctant to completely let go of my marriage (since we’ve been getting along so well) … and therefore a bit “unavailable” to fully enter into my new relationship… but after this awful incident I see that my emotional needs are really truly not met in relationship with ex-h and I can/should completely move on…. BUt is that true? Is he toxic for me, or am *I* the problem and will just create this again with new man???

  168.  #168Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    @126: Mel says:
    “..Also, i need a car where we currently live. there is no public transport. I can’t afford to live here (even with a roommate) and pay for a car payment, gas, insurance etc. …”

    A GOOD lawyer will help you get your needs taken care of during your period of separation.

    “…I need a NICE tiny place in the city within walking distance of the essentials and a short bus ride away from other stuff…”

    That sounds good, Mel. I was starting to worry about you. I have come to adore teeny tiny. Everything I need is within walking distance, bus at corner and train three blocks away. I wish the same convenience for you.


  169.  #169Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    Another thing is that long ago I realized that I “married my mother” – ya know, trying to fix my childhood trauma (which centered around her not understanding me, and that is also true of ex)… and New Guy does really “get” me – amazingly so… he is more like my dad (and also very much like me)… so maybe this incident was confirmation that I am Done letting ppl who don’t understand me trample my boundaries just bc they don’t understand what’s important to me…???

  170.  #170Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    @128: Lilybelle says:
    “…I think what you are looking for is what I imagine SLV’s place to be like…”

    I imagine she wants something a little bigger and more luxe. I have a TEENY space in an old Art Deco building. I love it but many people would not. But the convenience is very good.


  171.  #171Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    So i ended up cyber stalking my exes. WTF…this is something bigger than just obsession with worrying about one guy…

    i should be doing something to take care of ME. but i have resistance to that. so i distract myself with men.

    silly Dorothea!

  172.  #172Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    @136: Daria says:
    “…SLV – me too! about the cave! yum…
    and… i want my room to be yummy. is IS yummy…”

    Yummy. I decided some time ago that I had the space around me to do with as I please and its outer boundaries might change from time to time depending upon where I was… cave, teeny space, little rectangle studio, attic in building, wherever I go…I take my space with me. 😆


  173.  #173DE on July 8, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Dorothea #171:

    I do that as well 🙂 when I seek attention…I take care of my “need”…I embrace it…and work with my “protective” voices coming up as Negative voices (oh, he doesn’t care, he doesn’t like u…he won’t respond…he wont’ give u what u need…etc…)…I remind them I have no expectations from these men…I seek attention …that’s all…:)

    Warm hugs,

  174.  #174Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    @140: Lilybelle says:
    “…I am pleasantly surprised at how inexpensive adding pretty, feminine, decorative touches to my little cave is….”

    I like that mental picture of little cave.


  175.  #175Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    DE, I am not contacting these men, though. Actually, I really wouldn’t do it ever. Are you contacting them?

    I do want attention…that is really what I want. Funny how you nailed that without me actually seeking it directly from the men.


  176.  #176DE on July 8, 2011 at 6:47 pm


    Yes, I do 🙂 usually is texting…sometimes Fb too 🙂 but, i always check that i have no expectations…i usually send txts to a few…and see which one responds 🙂


    Warm hugs,

  177.  #177DE on July 8, 2011 at 6:48 pm


    I say something light…trivial…often times is about me…or just a smiley face…:) it’s never a question…or following up on something i read, thought, etc…

    Warm hugs,

  178.  #178Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    @149: rusty says:
    Have you considered looking for a roommate situation? Often there are women in the same situation as you, needing a nice place to live, but can’t afford it on their own. So they advertise for roommates…”

    Excellent Rusty! I thought you might have encouraged Mel to move out. I’m happy that I was wrong about that. I live in similar space you described, sublet shared space in old apartment.

    I moved here temporarily while waiting for co-op studio but due to medical difficulties opted to stay here longer. Guess what, the space I have is exactly the same as the co-op apt I looked at and was wanting to buy. I measured it! Both are teeny spaces. The situation I have is a lot easier.


  179.  #179Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    DE, so are you saying that even if the other person did something like … for instance, throwing away my favorite old guitar… a response of anger would be about *me* rather than about what he did?

  180.  #180Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    @153: Lucy

    Hugs, Lucy.

    How is your daughter?

    Did anything special happen on April 23rd? I was looking in calendar agenda today.


  181.  #181Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    crack crack crack crack put down the crack pipe

  182.  #182DE on July 8, 2011 at 6:57 pm


    Yes…:) Anger is a reaction to a deeper feeling(s)…u felt uncared about…u mentioned he did it “unconsciously” which means it was not intended…yet, your feelings were not taken into consideration by him…which “for some reason(s)” you expected him to…maybe it has to do because you’ve been intimate with him…thus, u feel like u have lost your personal power by entrusting he has changed?????

    So, u are now projecting u feelings of betrayal…wasting u time…disappointment…etc…

    I don’t know the real situation…but I tried for a moment to place myself in your place…and ask myself…how did I loose my personal power again with this man????? sex is one of them…:)

    Warm hugs,

  183.  #183Mel on July 8, 2011 at 6:57 pm


    I like teeny! I’m small and don’t take up much space! 🙂

    … and the less space, the less to clean. and the less room to accumulate “stuff.” I like teeny tiny.

    I DON’T like smelly, dark, moldy, and cold. It just didn’t feel like a place anyone could feel at home in.

    Mostly, I’m just looking for clean, not run-down (but can be old) and has some natural light. If it has that I can make it pretty and homey. 🙂

  184.  #184Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    mel, i had awesome luck with the sublease section of craigslist. i’m sure you’re already on craigslist looking in the apt section.

  185.  #185Lilybelle on July 8, 2011 at 6:59 pm


    I like my mental picture of yours too.


    Here’s the thing…I am loving mine more and more with each added little touch, I don’t want to leave it and that isn’t good. What is going to happen when I have it painted.. My guy isn’t going to arrive at my door. 😉

  186.  #186Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    My initial response actually was Not anger at first, but grief. I immediately sat on the ground and sobbed (so hard I could barely breathe) and said nothing to him. Then he started dismissing and criticizing my feelings and justifying his actions… and That’s when I started feeling angry. I felt angry that he didn’t seem to care about my sorrow. What do u think?

  187.  #187Lilybelle on July 8, 2011 at 7:04 pm


    Luce~ You play? Can you point me in the direction of a really good, easy to understand online teaching dealio?

    My acoustic and I have been fighting for a couple of months for sure. It is leaning on a wall in my living room, staring at me, Every.Single.Day.

    I have to pick it up.. but the truth is, I suck!! For now.

  188.  #188Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    @160: Ice Princess says:
    That sounds fun! If only I could reduce my feelings and not his occupancy in my mind…”

    The way I see it is the snack bag is a variation of putting the guy on the back of my horse as I continue on my way. I don’t have to spend energy trying not to feel or forgetting or any like that. I can feel what I feel, savor my thoughts if I want to or be angry but TAKE CARE of myself.


  189.  #189DE on July 8, 2011 at 7:07 pm


    Well, maybe he needs to see u ANGER…just as u need to see HIS…

    You expressed ANGER on FB…yet, with him..u played it differently…authenticity and consistency are very important…

    I am not saying he was right to dismiss u feelings…for what its’ worth he was possibly afraid to admit being an “idiot for making such a decision”…this also comes about when we, women, are not consistent with them….we say/act what we don’t mean often…just because u played “cool” and felt only “hurt” initially…doesn’t mean he didn’t’ feel the hit of your energy…:( which was outrage and anger…

    Warm hugs

  190.  #190Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    ok going out for the night. leaving phoen at home. it’s for the best:)

  191.  #191Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    DE, I haven’t had sex with him in a long time, but I suppose I was starting to believe that he cared about my feelings bc he has been “nice” to me since I have been using the tools… so maybe I am angry at Myself for believing he cared more than he did? Thank u so much for helping me with this….

  192.  #192Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    @183: Mel says:
    I like teeny! I’m small and don’t take up much space! ..”

    You’ll find someplace fun if that’s what you want. But it’s easier not to move unless necessary.


  193.  #193Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    @185: Lilybelle says:
    “…What is going to happen when I have it painted…”

    I love fresh paint! It will be a signal that you’re getting ready for new things!


  194.  #194DE on July 8, 2011 at 7:15 pm


    U are welcome 🙂 U are the only One who can judge what it feels ultimately for U!!! I only placed myself in u place…and that’s what came up for me…:)

    Warm hugs,

  195.  #195Senior Lady Vibe on July 8, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    @186: Lucy says:
    “…What do u think?…”

    I think it’s the final sign that you have done the right thing with the divorce. Now you can continue forward without looking back with a sigh and a question mark. AND I would get another guitar (not as a replacement) but as a new beginning with the assurance that you will create NEW SPECIAL moments with it!

    If not a guitar, get another of whatever it was.

    Hugs, Lucy.


  196.  #196Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    DE, oh I expressed my anger to him for sure! I was completely authentic with him. I never try to play it cool… heartbreak and sobbing was my genuine initial emotion. In the past i would’ve tried to avoid feeling the deep sorrow by going straight to anger and blame. This time I was more real. The anger came after, when he dismissed me… and I told him how angry I felt then. I was yelling a bit too, which wasn’t the best but I was So mad at that point.

  197.  #197DE on July 8, 2011 at 7:27 pm


    That’s great!!! Embrace u Anger!!! I would also likely follow up (with a scheduled meeting) on expressing ab my real feelings…which is disappointed…untrustful that things would work out between the two of u…afraid…scared…:(

    Warm hugs,

  198.  #198DE on July 8, 2011 at 7:33 pm


    Before I forget…intimacy…to me…means also cuddling…sharing intimate moments… not only sex…

    Warm hugs,

  199.  #199DE on July 8, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    On my way to watch “Bad teacher”…i feel excited ab it…has any one of u seen it???? I need me some laughter 😉

  200.  #200Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    Hmm… maybe the anger came bc the sorrow felt too strong for me to keep feeling it, so I “had” to switch to anger. Maybe this is progress: I was able to feel sorrow for longer than in the past… staying with it longer before “medicating” it w anger. Also, a sorrowful thought comes up now: “Why did he marry me when he cares so little abt my feelings?”… and then, ohhh: Why did *I* marry Him when he cared so little for my feelings? Oh my. That’s it. I did know this abt him before I married him but I

  201.  #201Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    pushed it down so I could marry him. I know this. So maybe now the full anger at myself is surfacing… How could I have married and had a family with a man who didn’t cherish my feelings? Why did I do that to myself? Why couldn’t i have chosen one who truly loved me so I didn’t have to have a “broken home”? That’s it…. 🙁 Now what? Forgive myself?

  202.  #202Lilybelle on July 8, 2011 at 7:44 pm


  203.  #203Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    DE, 198… hmm, yes… he had just taken me on vacation with the kids and we all shared a motel room… my two boys in one dble bed, daughter and me in another, and ex on the pullout sofa bed… BUT he texted me flirty/sexy texts from his bed to mine And I responded in kind bc it felt good… And in the morning while all others were asleep, he pushed me over so he could lie down beside me and cuddle with me…. 🙁

    Enjoy your movie and thanks again so much!! <3

  204.  #204Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    SLV, thank you. Yes, your words resonate with me too…. <3

  205.  #205Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    Lilybelly… thank you…. Not sure about an online resource for guitar… I learned a long time ago and just stuck with the basics…. <3

  206.  #206Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    Alias Girl–
    The feeling message you helped me with worked! He opened up to me more than he has in a very long time!! I leaned back and listened too. Funny how just hours ago I was crying my eyes out with very little hope and a few little words changed his whole attitude toward me (though I am not sure how long it will last so I will take it one step at a time).

  207.  #207Ice Princess on July 8, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    I like the way you think about it (@188)! 🙂

  208.  #208alias girl on July 8, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    #150 SLV that’s interesting. and maybe most men are half female?

    #206 IP yae! babysteps, siren princess.

  209.  #209Daisy on July 8, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    After a first date, especially one where he showed up early to ensure that we had a table with beautiful views of the mountains and shelled out a good amount of cash for some amazing food:

    to send a thank you e-mail the next day or no?

    He walked me to my car, asked if it was OK to hug, and said that he would “be in touch.”

    So, should I wait for him to follow through or send a thank you?

    Thanks for your help, I feel like a noob.

  210.  #210alias girl on July 8, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    i talked to Busy Man Pimp tonight. he told me he didn’t like to be called pimp. (no, i didn’t use 100% FM, i used about 20% blame. and about 65% FM and then 10% regular speak and about 5% mantalk.) so i promised him i wouldn’t refer to him as a pimp anymore so i need to change his name.

    for now i will call him, persistent nice guy. we might have coffee tomorrow. he wanted me to drive to his neighborhood. i said i didn’t want to do that. he said it was more convenient for Both of us. lol. i said no it, wasn’t. it was more convenient for him.

    it feels like we are both learning with each other and we are both trying. and we are both not great at this kind of stuff. so well matched for now, i guess. i feel less attracted to hom now than when i met him though. because of all the poor communication we’ve had since meeting.

    he said “should i stop calling?”
    i said “i feel indifferent.”
    he said “then i should stop calling.”
    i said, “that is your decision. if i wanted someone to stop calling, i would tell them to stop calling. i’m saying i feel kind of both ways about it. or no way.”

    the rest of the conversation felt a little like work. but i am practicing. maybe we’ll have sex at some point. i feel indifferent.

  211.  #211LobbyStar on July 8, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    I feel extremely anxious tonight. I feel ignored tonight.

    Tomorrow will be better. No men will ignore me tomorrow.

  212.  #212Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    “Did anything special happen on April 23rd? I was looking in calendar agenda today.” (SLV)

    That was right around the time things started happening with this special guy I’ve been writing about. 🙂

  213.  #213gina on July 8, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    Alias Girl @210

    Oh my goodness I feel so sick of guys acting like that – why’d he have to sabotage it. You were down to connect, and he had to go and ask you for permission. blech…

  214.  #214Daria on July 8, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    Daisy – no. The man may reach out to thank the woman for spending time with him

    You are being courted

  215.  #215alias girl on July 8, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    gina. you sound angry!

    and i feel a little wanting to back away from you. but i didn’t want to ignore your response to me.

    but i don’t usually feel that good reading negativity. especially when it’s directed right at me. i don’t usually desire to engage.

    what do you think is a solution?

  216.  #216alias girl on July 8, 2011 at 11:47 pm


    daria i have texted a man right after a date sometimes to tell him i had a nice time or thank him.

    but doing it the next day never felt right for me, personally.

    i felt happy to see your response to that because i felt curious about what others thought or other sirens’ experiences.

  217.  #217Dorothea on July 8, 2011 at 11:47 pm

    I don’t see negativity directed at alias girl by gina. am i missing something?

    anyway i went out with my platonic guy friend whom i used to date.

    he treats me really good.

    we have fun.

    buuuut he acts gay as hell most of the time. too bad.

  218.  #218alias girl on July 8, 2011 at 11:56 pm

    dorothea i feel angry.

    i feel like someone just STOMPED ON THE TRUTH OF MY FEELINGS AND LIFE EXPERIENCE in the moment.

    i was expressing my feelings. i feel FURIOUS to have my feelings, my perspective, my experience invalidated in what feels like a careless manner.

    i actually feel a little bullied to have someone invalidate my feelings/perspective/experience PUBLICALLY in what feels like such a callous manner.


  219.  #219Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 12:00 am

    i am going to look at his facebook page!

    aaahahhhahhhhahh no i’m not


  220.  #220alias girl on July 9, 2011 at 12:03 am

    i feel triggered.

    and bullied.

    and i don’t want to be bullied in this world.

    i am not bullying others so in the future I am not going to be miss polite pants. those days are so over.

    if people are doing things that feels like bullying to me i wil either say something or completely move on by it and put my energy elsewhere.

    so i feel bad if people feel triggered by me not responding to them but HOW I FEEL IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME.

    SO if i am ignoring a siren’s direct response to me it is either because i didn’t see it


    i wish i didn’t see it.

    or i have simply started scrolling by that person because they i do not feel i am getting good energy from them and i am a gorgeous beautiful goddess who likes fun and gentle times so if someone is not offering me that energy

    i am probably not interested.

    i am probably not even going to see it.

    because my awareness is on what feels good to me.

    so yae! for being triggered.

    and yae for me finding new ways of interacting on this blog.

    and i wish everyone the best but i need to do what is best for me.

  221.  #221Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 12:11 am

    ok so maybe i am missing something. that is what i am gathering by your expressions of anger.

    can’t a girl just be genuinely confused? damn. does everything have to come down to people’s feelings getting disregarded? it was a question. nothing more than a basic question: am i missing something here? i am learning here too.

    this sh*t is tiring. feeling messages tire me out. i used them for like a solid 3 years and now i’m thinking they exhaust men, cuz i certainly feel exhausted when i am just trying to understand better.

    maybe this is why men don’t always respond well to the feeling message charade.

    ah-ha moment.

    thank you:)

  222.  #222alias girl on July 9, 2011 at 12:12 am


    i will learn this.

    i feel empowered.

    in the past, i used to try really hard to get everyone to like me.

    what a waste of my time.

    now i focus on accepting myself and loving myself as much as i can. and speaking my truth as much as i can in the best way i know how.

    and some things still trigger me because i feel shame around them

    i feel shame around stating my boundaries because maybe they are stricter or DIFFERENT than others. BUT THEY ARE MINE. MY PREFERENCES AND NEEDS in relationship.

    and i get to choose. and i get to express myself.

    and i get to be messy about it and forgive myself.

    and i have a shame trigger about expressing anger that i am starting to really let go of. because i used to take on others shame or uncomfortableness and contort myself and eat it so they wouldn’t have to be confronted with themselves. but i have started to get over that and it feels SO FREEING. if i feel angry i feel angry and i honor that and express it if i choose to do so.

    i love me and i will fervently love me more than anything or anyone always. which then ALLOWS me to love others.

  223.  #223Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 12:14 am

    just kidding..i won’t abandon feeling messages. they’re…part of me now. haha. but i am interested in finding a more moderate way of incorporating them into my communication.

    Geez, I went from never using them, to using them all the time, and now i have to figure out how to scale back!

    What a journey!

    Feeling glad to be still young and learning. Maybe by the time I’m 30 i’ll have this sh*t on lock.

  224.  #224Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 12:17 am

    honestly i think the way you started saying you were so angry because i asked if i missed something, makes you look like a psycho.

    BUT please don’t take this personally.

    BECAUSE I started seeing a therapist because I overreact constantly…cuz I actually AM a psycho=/. So maybe I am mirroring. Or projecting. Or maybe you’re overreacting and I am seeing it from an outsiders perspective and it’s helping me regulate my own emotional reactions.


    I think you’re the sh*t, Alias Girl, for the record, in case that ever got lost in the files anywhere, I think you’re a rad lady! 😀

  225.  #225alias girl on July 9, 2011 at 12:19 am

    dorothea. #217
    “I don’t see negativity directed at alias girl by gina. am i missing something?”

    the question you posed put me in the third person so it didn’t feel like ‘confusion’ that you wanted me to clear up -as you were not even addressing me, personally. i felt like i was being publically invalidated and it was an invitation for others to jump in and agree with you and thus be further invalidated by a group. which would then feel like bullying to me.

    i do not know how to put the above into feeling messages. but maybe it is better since you don’t seem to want to hear them anyway according to your last post.

    i felt like my experience and feelings were being invalidated by some third party bystander NOT living in my body. i felt disrespected.

  226.  #226alias girl on July 9, 2011 at 12:22 am

    dorothea i feel confused when someone calls me a psycho and then a few sentences later is complimenting me.

    i feel unsafe.

  227.  #227Daria on July 9, 2011 at 12:23 am

    DE – i found that reaching out to men for attention felt … eventually… bad…

    at first i used the reaching out as a crutch when waves of feeling very lonely hit me

    each wave i did it a bit less. a bit less lean forward

    now i havent done this and i feel mucho less inclined to.

    The way i’ve been taking care of my desire for male attention is

    1. putting myself out where there are men

    my nv’s say this won’t work or won’t be what i want, but everytime i did this… took myself to a public place and did the “i am the target, i am the magnet, waterwheel from all men” tools… i felt paid attention to and better

    when i opened up a pof profile, and then another site i did not realize how far that would go in meeting that need for me

    2. I use my Boy to give my Girl the male attention she wants… touching, caressing myself caringly and romantically the way a man would… is like a version of the “paint myself with love tool”

    also, and this takes some effort for me… i say words to my girl the way a man would… “how are you feeling>?” “you are beautiful” etc

  228.  #228Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 12:24 am

    alias girl, i’m not here to tend to your feelings or out girl you with my own. i’m not a man and neither are you… what is it that you want from me exactly?

  229.  #229Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 12:25 am

    hmm well i am feeling kinda bullied in this situation too. what’s that about?

    i really do think you’re rad, but if i have to repeat it again i am going to feel pissed lol. wishing people would take my word for sh(t. knowing that if this were in person I would be so much better understood through tone of my voice and expression on my face

  230.  #230Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 12:27 am

    holy crap i am triggered.


    what do i do now?

    i forget.

    i’ve been living life in a trigger fest for many months now, and i don’t remember my way out of this.

    my adrenals are sapped and i often end up thinking devastated suicidal thoughts, or just generally hurt myself either emotionally or physically one way or another.

    i don’t remember what i’m supposed to do with triggers.



  231.  #231Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 12:29 am

    227 daria
    i like the practical advice about when attention is needed. thanks! i’ll use it starting tomorrow!

  232.  #232alias girl on July 9, 2011 at 12:33 am

    #228 dorothea

    “alias girl, i’m not here to tend to your feelings or out girl you with my own. i’m not a man and neither are you… what is it that you want from me exactly?”

    I feel confused. why are you telling me i am not a man? or outgirl? huh?

    to answer your question. i want to be respected. i want my feelings to be respected. and i don’t want to be bullied.

    people don’t need to do any of this with me. unless they want to be in relationship with me on any level.

  233.  #233Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 12:38 am

    i am even more confused now….

  234.  #234Daria on July 9, 2011 at 12:40 am

    Dorothea – eating protein first thing in the morning has helped so much with my adrenal health,

    and keeping my blood sugar balanced by eating protein whenever i felt hungry throughout the day… and at least 3 times / meals

  235.  #235Daria on July 9, 2011 at 12:42 am

    sooo i love my triggers

    i feel excited to watch watchamacalit… Love Scripts… woo hooo

    i am transforming to an AMAZING woman who is healing all the relationships in her life!

    not to mention is IRRESISTIBLY ATTRACTIVE to men like a sorceress

    AND will be living her dreams!

  236.  #236Daria on July 9, 2011 at 12:44 am

    oh yah the apple cider vinegar also has been helping me mucho

    i am sleeping so much better and deeper now ! weeee

    i also set an intention for that

    cho luv apple vinegar mucho!!!

  237.  #237Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 12:44 am

    Gosh daria…i know in my heart and from articles i’ve readthat i should eat regularly.

    and yet i never do.

    thank you for the reminder!! i am going to spend some time this weekend making it possible for me to do that this week. buying quick food i can eat on the go since i am always on the go and figuring out a meal plan that works well for me.

    change is very possible! i love that!

  238.  #238Daria on July 9, 2011 at 12:48 am

    i do see the interaction and i feel awkward and curious

    i <3 alias girl, dorothea, gina

  239.  #239Daria on July 9, 2011 at 12:49 am

    and i feel uncomfortable

  240.  #240Daria on July 9, 2011 at 12:54 am

    Dorothea – let me tell you, its so been worth it!

    ive ‘thought’ about eating ‘healthy’ most of my life…

    but somehow a man… just really got to me one day and was like… make sure u eat a protein and a carb within 30 min of waking up

    and i did it!… and i felt all warm and safe … and felt not woozy or dizzy or flimsy all day

    and then.. i listened to Rose Cole seminars… about balancing blood sugar

    when blood sugar is low, we suddenly feel cranky, it happesn all the time to all of us

    like we suddenly disconnect and feel annoyed iwth the person in front of us… and think its about teh interaction… but really thats blood sugar dropping

    and insulin resistance issues come from not having it blaanced and that also happens…

    and i started FEELING it in my body, the sugar, and paying attention to the hotness in my guts insulin… and actually hearing it Squirt

    anyway… i set the intent and everything started rolling along

    ive made it simple for myself… eat protein

    the end.

    for fast stuff, i have this amazing fish I LOVE! it tastes like salmon but its called steelhead… theres this smoked steelhead and i eat it quickly straight out the package

    fish and avocado are omega 3s which are healthy for my brain and body, unlike other “heavier” proteins like beef etc

    so i have the fish plain…i could eat that for my 3 meals if am super focused on other stuff than eating that day

    and just grab a random vegetable along with it if available

  241.  #241Daria on July 9, 2011 at 12:56 am

    i just make sure to have a day starting meal (ie a protein)

    i won’t begin activities without it… thats how the ‘weak ikcy feelings’ start

    its now part of my thinking… must have a protein to start day

    sometimes i will still procrastinate in bed for hours

    but i wont leave house without SOME protein having been ingested

    thats all ive needed so far

  242.  #242Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 12:58 am

    I see someone wanting to control me (at least i see it in my own head through triggers at the very least) and that makes me desire control too.

    almost urgently! and i go about achieving this in different ways. some of them pure some of them manipulative.

    i wonder what it would be like to experience this sort of thing differently.

    but i think the biggest part of the problem might be that i don’t easily see grey areas or middle ground. so when i start to feel that ‘you against me’ vibe, i almost always go into the all or nothing perspective..meaning if i let you ‘get away’ with having your feelings that i apparently triggered, then i am letting you get away with making me wrong and also acting bad, then i am agreeing that i am bad and awful…

    i feel f*ckin overwhelmed just thinking about it.

  243.  #243Daria on July 9, 2011 at 12:58 am

    found a picture of how my smoked steelhead looks like…

    ready sliced

    from Costco

    this is my main food

  244.  #244alias girl on July 9, 2011 at 1:01 am

    dorothea i don’t feel respected. and i don’t feel respecting.

    i would rather end my participation on this topic at this time. what do you think?

  245.  #245Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 1:08 am

    alias girl, i didn’t mean anything at all by what i was asking. i feel curious about perceptions, especially my own. and now i feel freaked out by our interaction, like super duper bad freaked out (well, relative to the fact that it’s just words on a screen, but super duper bad for what it’s worth). i feel attacked and bullied. i don’t know how to walk away from this the right way. it seems one of my beliefs is that if i attempt to explain anything, particularly when it seems like it shouldn’t even be necessary to begin with, it will drain me and then i will be depleted and i will have “lost” in this way.

    i am processing here and apologize if the above paragraph is confusing.

    i feel really glad for this trigger. and tearful. this sort of dynamic has left me in tears on a daily sometimes hourly basis for months now, except for the last week or so.

    alias girl, and everyone else, what i really wanted to say was “hey i didn’t mean it like that!” so that would avoid any need for confrontation, but there’s the other side of me that says if i say that, then i am backing down, accepting being talked to in a crappy way (as i see it), doing far more work than the other person in remedying something that never needed to exist in the first place, catering to their feelings and putting mine second….

    i think like this all the time. i don’t know any balance between the two positions.

  246.  #246Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 1:12 am

    ugh but i feel furious! omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    when i get like this with a man i trust or wish i could trust and feel safe with…argh! it is like me vs. him.

    i don’t want to be taken from! blargh!!!!

    i doubt any of this post means much of anything to you since it’s kinda vague and i know i won’t be able to articulate it very well beyond how i already did, but this is a MAJOR trigger for me that has been running my life, so i am glad to see it and even feel it happening in a slightly less serious context (ie the internet with ‘strangers’)

    Now that i recognize it, i am going to copy and paste our interraction and save it to remind me of what this feels like, and then i can see if i can work my way through this type of trigger to something that feels better to me.

  247.  #247Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 1:18 am

    Daria i like fish so thanks for the tip

    i eat a lot of the diet i want, but it is then harder to eat regularly without good planning. i am excited to figure out ways to keep friendly foods on hand in a way that works for me and my body.

    i totally feel you on the not eating = crankyface thing. that is the story of my life. and most everyone. i also find that when i am eating well regularly, not eating when i normally do doesn’t feel so bad if it happens every once in a while.

  248.  #248Daria on July 9, 2011 at 1:20 am

    oooh! now professional rappers (one of the wolfpack) is contacing me on pof

    but! i know this group they are from my city so im like feeling disappointed cuz i can meet them lots of other ways if i want to

    but i will see what this guy is tlaking about

  249.  #249alias girl on July 9, 2011 at 1:21 am

    dorothea. i honestly don’t know how to take this further with you. truly. maybe reread the interaction. look for your part. take accountability for what you feel was your part and then screw the world on the rest of it.

    i am accountable to me for me. and that’s it. if i hurt someone’s feelings and i feel bad then i want to make it better. if i want to be in good relations with people then i will make efforts to do so.

    but if i am doing my best and it is good enough for me and even if the entire world disagrees and forms a public debate about and public opinon comes up negative screw it.

    i please me. i take care of me. i do the best i know how in any given moment and that has to be enough.

    i was opening up a discussion with gina and i. i was sharing my experience and feelings and giving her feedback on how i experienced her. she can do whatever she wants with that depending on what type of relationship she desires with me.

    and the i shared with you how i was experiencing you and i did it while i was majorly triggered so certainly it was messy.

    i get to decide. i get to be empowered. i get to express myself. i get to use a walk away tool (ONE OF MY FAVORITES THAT I HAVE ERRONEOUSLY MISSUSING MY ENTIRE LIFE!)

    but i don’t know what else to say.

    i felt some pretty harsh energy coming at me and i returned it just as harsh.

    what do you think?

  250.  #250Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 1:23 am

    there wasn’t any harsh energy but now i am feeling really harsh reading your reactions, you know? i was misunderstood. and explaining feels like i am losing. 🙁 i want to freak out and cry.

    do you guys know of way to not freak out and cry that isn’t just stuffing my feelings? i feel this way a lot.

  251.  #251Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 1:26 am

    riffing or whatever
    i feel my vision narrow or kind of…snap to a different signal
    i feel a lump/hardness from my larynx to my heart.

    the negative fearful feelings i have feel like poison. literally like poison.

    i am dying then.
    wow is this what i feel like every time?
    no wonder i get so intense. i really protect me! dang i look out hard core for me.

    too bad it’s resulting in hurting me all the same lol

  252.  #252Daria on July 9, 2011 at 1:27 am

    Dorothea – i feel excited1 yes now that u say that ive noticed too… when im eating well regularly, not eating once in awhile doesnt make as much of a diff in my energy level overall

  253.  #253Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 1:29 am

    if this conversation were in ‘real life’ it wouldn’t be huge chunks of soliloquy.. it would be line for line response… that would be much easier to manage emotionally. which leads me to this ah-ha! part of the reason feeling messages stopped working for me with men and becoming a great source of frustration for me and my guys is because they’ve turned into feeling soliloquies most of the time, not one or two at a time, pause, wait… one or two more, pause, wait, rinse and repeat.

  254.  #254Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 1:31 am

    I just got paid which means tomorrow I can go to the all natural grocery store and go nuts planning feeding myself:)

  255.  #255Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 1:36 am

    ok new communication rule for me moving forward: no feeling soliloquys. save the speeches for the really important stuff.

    i need help figuring out what is actually the important stuff, though.

    i feel excited! it will feel good to have all this pressure off of me!

  256.  #256alias girl on July 9, 2011 at 1:37 am

    dorothea. i don’t want to participate anymore at this time.

    if you want to take it up again at another time maybe we can revisit it if we both feel it will be beneficial.

    i feel a little awkward just leaving it but i just feel lost about how to participate in a way that is beneficial.

  257.  #257alias girl on July 9, 2011 at 1:40 am

    dorothea. oh. actually oh i feel dumb. the conversation had already been ended with me. oh. wow. i feel dumb.

    i hadn’t realized you had already moved on without me. ok. i feel amused.

    ok. well. take care. nite.

  258.  #258Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 1:43 am

    Goodnight, Alias Girl

  259.  #259Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 1:51 am

    I feel tearfully joyful and sad for the past because these few comments with alias girl brought one of my major holding patterns into light for me. I just read over it again and i felt all the triggers as i usually do (with a man) and can see what i think and feel and am able to notice all of it inside of me. Holy crap. I feel turned inside out, and I want to hug all my guts.

    i am finally getting how my perceptions are formed, and see blame patterns, and judgment, and how i react to various things i’m perceiving.

    wow. saving this forever.

    sending this blog huge celebratory hugs!

  260.  #260Daria on July 9, 2011 at 1:59 am

    whoa sexy CD called… it felt fun talking to him but at the end i felt bad…

    now i feel angry

    and upset with myself … it feels so good when i talk to him … and then bad



    his voice feels fun and familiar… reminds me of guywho

  261.  #261Daria on July 9, 2011 at 2:03 am

    i feel so jealous of SexyCD because i imagine his life feels very fun

    he had one of his friends in the background and they were crackin jokes and…

    it sounded really fun

    i wish i were there and laughing with them right now and feeling included and safe

    i feel abandoned and angry and foolish

  262.  #262Daria on July 9, 2011 at 2:04 am

    okay how did sexy CD steal my muchness?

    no he didnt

    i have my muchness… i just feel turned off and sinking hearty feeling

    i love my sinky hearted feeling

  263.  #263Daria on July 9, 2011 at 2:11 am

    i partly want to text him back! ouch! that felt bad!

    partly “dont call me ever again” (off with his head)

    partly begging … please include me in your fun and treat me with respect and kindness

    i feel judgemental of that part


    i love myself

    i love my sigh

    i love whatever attracts me so much to sexy cd man

    i intend to bring that in my life in a powerful healthy way

  264.  #264Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 2:13 am

    daria, i think this is when we take “no” or in this case the proverbial no from men and do something with our boy energy to make ourselves feel good that doesn’t involve leaning forward to the man?

  265.  #265Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 2:15 am

    blah eff my desire to control. i am going to control me and go to sleep lol

  266.  #266Daria on July 9, 2011 at 2:18 am

    🙁 🙁 🙁 i miss that fun vibe

    i feel “got” on a certain level by sexyCD that i LOVE feeling “got” on

    some of my brothers “get” me on this level

    the level that loves to show off

    it gets me into a competitive, playful, kinda masculine voice guy buddy vibe

    and i feel just super giddy and happy in that

    i love myself

    i will heal and learn about this

  267.  #267Daria on July 9, 2011 at 2:20 am

    Dorothea thanks… i am going to continue feeling my bummed feelings

    i love my bummed ness

  268.  #268Daria on July 9, 2011 at 2:22 am

    i felt confused and unimportant right now

    and feeling “GOT” and fun and flattered and paid attention to flet SOO good just a lil bit before that

    that i feel like totally overlooking that i feel bummed now and throw myself right in the middle of that “got” feeling … again… and again… and again…

    id want that “got” feeling for my boyfriend… or … i want that feeling to call me to hang out and spend time with me… everday or damn near


    feeling sad

    love my feelings

  269.  #269Daria on July 9, 2011 at 2:24 am

    that “got” feeling had me feeling all happy and lit up

    i felt energized… i felt like “playing” i felt excited and entertained

  270.  #270Daria on July 9, 2011 at 2:26 am

    fuchk you bitch! i am practicing and soon i will have so much self esteem that i will be having all the fun i want in my own life and will be able to tell you… well will be able to not pick up your call yes yes

    how about i dont pick up your call

    i will feel powerful then

    i KNOW i can have that wonderful “got” feeling with me

    it’s part of ME

    and i WANT to feel got


  271.  #271Daria on July 9, 2011 at 2:32 am

    im feeling confused… foolish… like i got dust in my eyes

    it felt bad

    i want to Do something to protect myself

    i feel defensive

    i feel scared?

    i love my feelings

  272.  #272Daria on July 9, 2011 at 3:08 am

    yay i got it! i got my message!

    its that… if i can say NO to what i dont want… icky feelings at end…

    and say No to SexyCD…

    then… a BETTER, AMAZING man will show up that has all the qualities i LIKE in sexy CD … minus the stuff i DON’T like!!



    cuz HandsomeMan was kinda like that, and ive been NOT contacting him… and now SexyCD wants to show up…


    if i say No to him…

    i’ll get an amazing man!

    just like… when i jumped out the car… even though i felt awkard… with Handsomeman2…

    after that i was pretty much done with the angry men!


  273.  #273Plum on July 9, 2011 at 3:19 am

    More about brain and feelings

    “… and I thought that was an idea worth spreading.”
    Dr Jill Bolte Taylor


  274.  #274Daria on July 9, 2011 at 3:41 am

    yay love scripts is helping me

    this is a ‘missed’ opportunity to share how i feel

    ‘i feel bad being approached for sex instead of a proper date… i dont like feeling this way… feel second class… ‘

  275.  #275Daria on July 9, 2011 at 3:56 am

    im feeling restless… i gotta go.. it felt good to talk to u

  276.  #276Daria on July 9, 2011 at 4:00 am

    interpreting everything as a positive: wow he likes me so much he’s tryna play ‘cool’ ! by hanging up quick


    this feels good!!!

  277.  #277Daria on July 9, 2011 at 4:13 am

    unless were engaged it feels like dating

  278.  #278Ella on July 9, 2011 at 5:32 am

    Hey Gang,

    So I have been invited to go clubbing in a nearby town in a few weeks by a friend of J’s… the girl who I met that same night who is having a thing with his brother…

    And she and I got on really well and became friends on FB and now she has invited me to this night out.

    J will be going and it will be quite intimate cus we would be sharing a mini bus down there…

    I feel really unsure about whether to accept the invitation because J is going, and obviously he hasn’t contacted me…

    It might feel a bit ‘off’ or weird if I just show up in his group of friends…

    On the other hand it could feel really fun to go.

    I like the girl and obviously I would like to see him again, and not sure if it would be right to go…

    What do you all think?

  279.  #279Plum on July 9, 2011 at 6:31 am

    Lilybelle and Daria

    I have a tube of green clay paste. I take it with me around the world. I don’t go anywhere without it.
    Its composition on the tube says:
    Raw Illite green clay (sun dried, not cooked nor baked)
    Illite green clay 53%. Water 47%

    It is a ready to use paste, in a tube.
    I have used clay ever since I was a child. Nowadays it is even easier to buy the ready to use paste.

    I have had got burnt on ovens, very bad burnt. As soon as I put some of this clay paste over the wound, the pain vanishes. It takes may be a few seconds for the terrible sensation of burnt to stop. After a couple of hours, the clay looks dried on the wound, the hurt comes back , so I add over the dried clay more fresh clay and peace comes back instantly.

    When the clay gets dry, I don’t take it off, because the crust of clay has become part of the wound and it would tear off my flesh and start the wound all over.
    I keep it the way it is, because while it is helping healing faster and without a scar, it also protects 100% from infection.
    I can take a shower with no bandage, the clay won’t fall off until the skin underneath is completely grown back, without a scar. It protects from infection in the water of the shower or anything that could happen.

    I regularly add over the dried clay new fresh clay. I want the crust of clay over my wound to always look a bit humid. It means that on top of protecting from exterior contact, thus from infection, it is also keeping my burnt wound hydrated which is part of the healing. The more often I add fresh clay, the better I fight against swelling and I help the renewal of cells.

    When your wound is totally healed, you’ll know it, because the crust of clay will fall off like dust by itself.

    I have used it for a hundred oven burnts lol. I have no marks today.
    I have used it for that stupid motorcycle burnt on the ankle. The guy had clay in his bag, so he covered my wound the very minute I got burnt. It was a bad wound on the muffler. I have no mark today.

    It is useful when you get a sun burnt too of course, it stops the aching instantly and keep your skin hydrated and save you from blisters. It seems that as soon as you cover the burnt with clay, the inside cooking stops instantly, unlike any other product I know of.

    I use it for blisters on my feet.
    I use it when I cut myself
    I use it when I hit a part of my body, it stops the bruise from swelling and from becoming colored.
    Well I use it for everything.

    It is magical with screaming children. They feel relieved instantly.

    Some women use it as a mask against acne, I don’t have the patience for mask but it does regenerate the skin and kills the bacteria.

    People drink it too, but I have not tried that yet because I have not had the health troubles it treats.

    On my friends’ and family’s body and on my body, I have observed that:
    It stops the aching instantly
    It stops the swelling
    It stops the coloration
    It protects against infection
    It causes cells regeneration and avoids marks
    It heals mush faster
    It saves me from making a bandage or putting anything over the wound
    It allows to take a normal bath or shower with no protection.
    It does not need to be cleaned up. It stays stuck on the wound until the wound is vanished.
    It is very handy

    Here, this is the exact product I am using.


  280.  #280Plum on July 9, 2011 at 6:38 am

    lol typo
    ***It heals mush faster***
    should read
    “it heals muCh faster”


  281.  #281Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 6:45 am

    RE 77 That is how I understand it too FC. In addition with all the men and other people in the world and their waterwheel coming towards me, I have more than enough overflowing for the give back. My challenge is to imagine it “ALL THE TIME”. Seems like there is so much to focus on I am trying to print it on my unconscious.

  282.  #282Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 7:05 am

    @208: alias girl says:
    “…#150 SLV that’s interesting. and maybe most men are half female? …”

    I don’t know but I’m inclined to think many are not, only the better ones. Although, genetically, males being half female and half male makes more sense.

    It’s a mystery… probably there’s testosterone poisoning going on… *sigh* just my idea…


  283.  #283Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 7:23 am

    From CCarter’s ebook The Science of Emotions

    As an interesting note, people’s behavior is generally more predictable as situations become more intense or important to them because their attention is focussed on interpreting every little detail and nuance. Their bodies and mids are tuned in and ready for something big to happen, and being more tuned in actually causes them to experience things even more intensely. It’s a snowball effect that heightens the emotional experience.

    Emotions are Contagious

    Several studies have been done on how emotions and moods can transfer from person to person. What’s amazing is that emotions or moods will most often transfer from the person who is somehow more intense of forceful with their feelings to the person who’s more passive. And the close the two people are to each other, then the quicker the transfer process is and the more similar their moods will become.

  284.  #284Plum on July 9, 2011 at 7:52 am

    35: Mochaberri

    If he invited you to the party , it would be feminine and soft to accept to go to the party.

    If you are not invited, it would be leaning forward to go to his party.

    This is independent of whether you are still lovers or not. It is simple basic good manners and can help to take drama and tension off your interaction with him..

    Don’t see any meaning in an invitation to a party.

    If he invited you, go to enjoy yourself and lean back.
    During the party, don’t go towards him, let him come to speak to you.
    When he comes to you, be lovely, don’t refer to past problems and start afresh.
    If you don’t feel happy to see him, why would you even want to party with him?

    If he does not come to speak to you during the party, then be it; enjoy the party on your side and don’t try to contact him.

    You think there is a relationship because your mind is busy thinking of calling him and busy waiting for him to call back etc… then your mind is busy thinking of your weekly fight. That’s all in your mind.

    You are chasing him, he is running away. Plus the only time you meet, you fight. Men don’t fall in love through weekly fights.

    Stop calling him, lean totally back.
    He will probably not phone you during a good while.
    Don’t panic, keep silent and mind your life, make yourself busy with real things that benefit your life. And date other men

    With time, and thanks to silence, he might forget about the bad feelings, and he might feel pulled towards your new energy. If he felt a real attraction when he first met you, he will remember it, but he needs to be left alone and respected to start afresh.


  285.  #285Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 8:22 am



    SLV’s magical date book. 😉

  286.  #286Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 8:28 am


    I am not a very good eater either, Dorothea. I forget to eat most days and I’m lucky if I fill the tank once a day. NOT a good habit.

    I need to work on this for sure.

  287.  #287Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 8:50 am


    Thank you for the info about the Green Clay. My chemical burn (WARNING ABOUT OVEN CLEANERS!!!) is about a week and a half old and is healing well now BUT it will leave a scar if I don’t try to reverse the damage. It literally burned a hole on the top of my foot, several layers down about the size of a nickel.
    Totally my fault because while I knew it was burning, I was in such a hurry that I ignored it.

    Will this stuff or the stuff Daria talks about reverse the damage already caused. I can see the scar forming..

  288.  #288Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 8:53 am

    @221: Dorothea says:
    “…maybe this is why men don’t always respond well to the feeling message charade.
    ah-ha moment.
    thank you:)….”

    I don’t respond well to it either… tee hee 😆
    I’m emphasizing the “charade” parade of it when there is one. I do want a man who cares how I feel.

    Lately when I see a post by a siren that she has told a guy “I feel like you….” Uh-oh, in my mind I start hearing… “I feel laka, I feel laka, boom shaka laka laka, boom shaka laka laka…”

    ‘Boom Shack-A-Lak’ by Apache Indian on QTV

  289.  #289Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 8:55 am

    Micro-riff… 😀

    I’ve been doing battle for over two hours so will take a break now. I haven’t given up but patience has worn to a thin thread.

    Love, love.


  290.  #290Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 9:02 am

    So rather than feeling fearful about the landlords, I am now feeling a bit angry because I don’t think they treated my very respectfully the way they set up this appt.

    According to AH, it’s natural to move from fear to anger as we start to feel better about something.

    I don’t intend to stay in anger for very long. I’m going to do some eft on it soon.

    Yet I am sort of appreciating it for now.

    I feel more confident, like who are they to bully me.

    Truly I don’t want to stay stuck in this anger. I know gratitude and positive expectation is where I want to be. Anger will eventually hold me back and attract what I don’t want…but right now it feels good.

    F them! I have rights. I don’t want want to feel scared and powerless. F them!

    I dunno, the anger feels a little better but still not all that good.

    A memory came up last night of when I was little and our landlord came over and had a fight with my stepdad and then brought some of his friend’s over and kicked my stepdad’s a$$.

    I don’t know the details of what was going on. My stepdad was a lightening bolt for drama.

    This could explain where my irrational fear of landlords comes from though.

  291.  #291Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 9:04 am

    @240: Daria says:
    … but really thats blood sugar dropping

    and insulin resistance issues come from not having it blaanced and that also happens…”

    Changes in the insulin hormone also have much to do with changes in other hormones too. You might see this happen in some people who at certain times of the month crave that chocolate brownie!!!


  292.  #292Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 9:08 am

    Lighting rod…not bolt.

    Anyway, I’m going to do some eft on that memory and see where it takes me.

  293.  #293Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 9:15 am

    @290: Laughing Goddess says:
    “…A memory came up last night of when I was little and our landlord came over and had a fight with my stepdad and then brought some of his friend’s over and kicked my stepdad’s a$$.
    …This could explain where my irrational fear of landlords comes from though…”

    That is incredibly outrageous. Yes, LG! That memory would do it for me too!

    You need another story. Pronto!!! You are paying these people to manage your space for you. Your space is everything around you and your belongings in it. You take your space with you wherever you go. It expands and contracts according to the containers you choose.

    Your property managers are taking care of the physical parts that your space is inside. That’s their job. Remember you are paying THEM. You are mistress of your castle, your space, wherever you take it.

    You have many choices and no real estate investor wants to lose a good paying tenant, ever!



  294.  #294Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 9:19 am

    @285: Lilybelle


    More on the calendar book later…


  295.  #295Ella on July 9, 2011 at 9:20 am

    Rori did say I could text him… and I am feeling scared to…

    Lemme try some stuff out here and see how it feels.

    “Hey J. Was thinking about how good it felt cuddling with you and how fun it felt when we hung out together before.
    S has invited me clubbing to … on … with you guys. I’d like to go and I think it could be fun. What do you think?”

    How would it feel to send that?

    Hmmm, ok I guess.

    Am I expecting an outcome?

    Well, yes I would like a reply… could I survive if I didn’t get one?

    Of course I could… and I imagine I might still feel a bit awful.

    I sure wouldn’t go clubbing with them if there was no reply.

    The other option would be just to say yes to her and show up on the night. He could see from FB that I would be going.

    But that just feels super mega scary and I don’t feel Rockstar enough to do that atm…

    Lots of ‘what if’ NVs like what if he was with someone else… didn’t turn up when he found out I was going etc etc…

    Blah blah.

    Trying to turn this round.

    I mean he seemed really into me right so there is no reason why he wouldn’t want me along BUT they are HIS friends (I am only newly friends with the girl who invited me) that might well be seen as a lame attempt to get close to him and that feels SUPER ICKY!

    No no… that is why it feels so triggering.

    Ok so NO to just showing up I think.

    But maybe to sending the message and seeing if he replies.

    I can always meet the girl another time separately.

  296.  #296Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 9:21 am

    Thanks SLV

    I’m crying now. I just feel so scared.

    I remember being a little girl an my mom wasn’t home and these strange men came over and pulled my stepdad out of the house and beat him up. I felt so cared and I didn’t understand what was happening.

    And there was another situation at a different house.

    My stepdad was really not a good guy and had controversy everywhere he went.

    But this isn’t my reality now.

  297.  #297Daisy on July 9, 2011 at 9:27 am

    @Daria, Thanks for the response last night…just letting him do his thing and see if he follows through.


    How would it feel to send the first part of that message:

    “Hey J. Was thinking about how good it felt cuddling with you and how fun it felt when we hung out together before.”

    Then, wait for a response. If there isn’t one, that can help inform your decision about going clubbing. But, if he does respond, then you can bring up the clubbing invite.


  298.  #298Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 9:38 am

    LG, I can relate to feeling unsafe about landlords. Wow now that I think about it…this has been my history with landlords:

    My first landlord was an apt complex, and one of the employees was young and my age with a baby and a wife. He constantly called me and tried to grab my boob (yeah..he had a lot of game lol)

    My second landlord was an apt complex that evicted me for “not paying rent” but i had paid the rent, they just applied that money towards another bill of mine they didnt bother to tell me about.

    My third landlord was the building manager, was a crack head who took everyone’s cash for rent and disappeared.

    My fourth landlord, his replacement, ignored and avoided me after my door was kicked in and i needed it fixed so it would shut and lock

    My fifth landlord was cool.

    My sixth landlord was a building manager who lived next door and was an alcoholic to the max. Came into my house without telling me sometimes. One night I went over there to use the phone to call my boyfriend because i left mine in my boyfriend’s car, and he started talking about how sexy i am and giving me that “i watch you while you sleep” look. yikes. I moved out and the owner gave me my money back.

    My seventh landlord went into my house without telling me a few times.

    My eighth landlord confronted me like i was a crack head because of my job working for a pro-legalization non profit. i felt so dehumanized.


    wow lg, thanks for bringing this up. this could be part of the reason i have nightmares all the time… i don’t have a basic feeling of safety in my bed.

  299.  #299Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 9:42 am

    That fourth landlord was nasty to me when i finally left a letter saying i was moving out because my door wouldn’t shut and he wouldn’t respond to my requests, and my refrigerator was leaking something really caustic. He cornered me and told me he was going to sue me for leaving. He never did. He was actually my former boss, and he threatened to get me fired too. But by then he was such a tweaked out meth head that he didn’t stay too focused on any agenda for more than a few minutes lol

  300.  #300Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 10:20 am



    How about just this:

    S has invited me clubbing to … on … with you guys. I’d like to go and I think it could be fun. What do you think?”

  301.  #301Plum on July 9, 2011 at 10:27 am

    Antiangiogenesis + cancer + obesity

    By Dr.William Li


  302.  #302Plum on July 9, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Dr. William Li’s list of antiangiogenic foods


  303.  #303Plum on July 9, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Inhibition of angiogenesis and cancer

    By the US National Cancer Institute


  304.  #304Plum on July 9, 2011 at 10:28 am

    The angiogenesis foundation


  305.  #305Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 10:36 am


    Red Wine is good for us in so many ways.

    Me Likey!

  306.  #306Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 10:44 am

    “Life is too short to drink bad wine”.

  307.  #307Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 10:47 am

    @296: Laughing Goddess

    I hope you are feeling better. That story about the goons is not yours and is not what will happen. Go sit in a quiet place with a soothing beverage and use your mind to help you out.

    You can do this! Unless everything is perfect at your house, I’d make a maintenance list of things for them to see. If things are perfect, I’d make a list of things I’d like,,, just for hell of it. “I’d prefer yellow tulips next year instead of the red” or “the tree in the corner needs pruning.”

    Girl, get your princess on…. 😀



  308.  #308Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Just checked. I’ve got a yuck $40 library fine!
    Videos add up fast!

  309.  #309Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 10:54 am

    @298: Dorothea says:
    “…this could be part of the reason i have nightmares all the time… i don’t have a basic feeling of safety in my bed….”

    Those guys would give me nightmares too. Perhaps it’s time for you to buy yourself a nice little house and find a decent handyman or two you can keep on call in case you need something fixed. Or you could do things yourself which can be fun.


  310.  #310Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 10:54 am

    Wow! I feel so much better. I feel relieved Eft is finally starting to really work for me.

    I recently read a book on it and it helped me understand how to do it.

    I tapped on the trauma emotions that were stuck in my body from those experiences. I debt even do a very thorough session. I just focused on releasing.

    The emotions quickly melted away and I felt freed up and able to take the dogs for a walk and then make myself some breakfast.

    I felt painfully hungry and I decided to try Daria’s protein in the morning suggestion. I feel so much better now!

    I’m going to take some vitamins too while my stomach is full. I notice that I have a lot more energy throughout my day when I take my B vitamin/ stress formula.

    Now I feel very weird saying this next part because I’m pretty sure some people might find this odd but I had raw beef for breakfast. When I am feeling weak, I find it is the most energizing protein I can eat.

    It’s actually not as odd as it sounds. Many high end restaurants serve raw beef dishes like carpachio (sp?). Many Asian restaurants have raw meat dishes as well.

    For me, it’s the same as eating sushi.

    It’s totally safe as long as it’s high quality beef that has been stored properly…same as sushi.

    And I find it extremely easy to digest. I feel instant energy.

    I’m not a fan of well done meat. I find that it just sits in my belly and takes forever to digest.

    Mmmmm, I’m feeling so much better.

    I feel inspired to focus on eating more regularly and keeping my blood sugar balanced.

  311.  #311Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Yay! I feel so much better!!!

  312.  #312Ella on July 9, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Daisy/Pam & Lillybelle,

    Rori suggested I could text him something like a cliffhanger question eg ‘I was thinking about…’ and then if/when he replied say something like ‘it felt good to be looking in your eyes…’

    So I was sorta trying to combine that with finding out how it would be for me if I went clubbing.

    Hmmm, I feel confused.

    Rori did say she would make a post out of our corespondance and put it up here for us all…

    Not sure when she is planning to do this (soon I really hope).


  313.  #313Ella on July 9, 2011 at 11:06 am

    Lucy you were asking about why Rori said it would just be a fling not a relationship.

    Think it is mainly because he is so young and also broke… therefore possibly not in a position/capable of having/offering me a relationship?


  314.  #314Ella on July 9, 2011 at 11:09 am

    Triggering myself now!! Lol.

    Feel weird about my last post… it sorta sounds like assuming that I do want a relationship with him… and the truth is I don’t know if I would bc it is far to early to say…

    Ow, interesting how I get triggered when I say something that makes me feel needy.

    This is why I shut down often, cus I hate feeling the weakness and anxiety of admitting I like someone, which I percieve makes me vulnerable.


    Gonna heal that one cus my ego is def keeping love at bay with that!!

  315.  #315Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 11:15 am

    Yikes! on the landlords Dorothea. I feel hopeful that from here on out you will have safe and comfortable living situations.

    SLV: Thanks for your support. I agree, it’s time to get my princess on. Not in a bratty way, but in an “I’m worthy” way.
    Thanks for all your support.

    And you too Lillybelle. Thanks for your well wishes on this.

  316.  #316Ella on July 9, 2011 at 11:31 am

    Feeling a lil negative right now… like teetering on the edge of spiralling down into negative soup.

    Want to feel my feelings but would also like not to spiral down today.

    Just feels like I am doing really badly.

    I mean if anything it feels like I am further than EVER from having my man and my happy, commited relationship.

    I guess thats ok… just feel disappointed and de-motivated.

    They just keep POOFING. Repeatedly and I jus feel sick to death of it.

    And everyone else seems to keep getting the happy relationship and I just get cast aside.
    Is what I am thinking of my situation atm.

    Eg: housemate and his g,friend are so IN LOVE and HAPPY.

    And I am happy for them and I feel jealous.

    I like her though and she does deserve to be happy, but so do I!!

    Not saying that I would want to be with him… I was not sure… and she was, and that I guess is the vital difference.

    But I didn’t think we had to be sure… thought that our guy will be the one to be sure?

    Well he sure hasn’t found me yet.

    So the guy before J poofed, after an akward thing where I expressed my discomfort over a missed phonecall cus he was too drunk to call me.

    Barman is with someone new and never came to try and get back with me after I finished things… and again he is prob not right for me… but even so it just seems like it was oh so easy for him to drop me and move on… after saying he would have married me.

    Married guy has disappeared after I said I want to hear from your wife that she is REALLY ok with you dating otherwise no cigar.

    Pubman poofed and chose to stay with his g,friend, not be with me as he told me he was gonna (he said he wanted to break up with her to be with me… but when crunchtime came he chose to stay with her).

    J’s brother, who I met before J and was flirting with me… then his ex showed up and he decided to re-kindle that instead.

    Then I met J.

    Then J poofed (and this one REALLY hurt!).

    Now it seems sexy, better quality CD from earlier in the week has poofed. The date seemed to go so well, and he text me after to say he would really like to meet again would I? I replied that would feel good. That was on Wednesday, now it is Saturday and I have heard nothing.

    The guy who I slept with has not called (not that I expected it to be anything but sex but he hasn’t even called for more sex and he is a guy!!!).

    I am unsure I am strong enough to take much more…

    Is this a pattern I am creating? Am I that awful that these guys don’t want to be near me (these are my NVs talking… just letting them air for a minute).

    I feel so confused.

    My self esteem feels like it is on the floor.

    I thought a Siren drew people in… if anything I seem to be repeling people away atm…

    Well that is what it looks like to me anyway.

    Am I wrong Sirens?

    I am going to work on flipping this tonight.

    I am having a night in for myself and I am going to do some cleaning and make my space LOVELY! And I am ging to write out a plan for my life and the changes I want to make now, in my book.

    And I am going to blog and see if I can shift my vibe again for me…

    I really want to let go now.

    Don’t want to be hoping that these guys will come through for me anymore. Feel SICK and TIRED of it.

    Want to look after me.

    Need all my energy for me right now.

  317.  #317Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Ella: I’m just gonna brainstorm on what I would possibly say.

    Me: Hi J! Were you abducted by aliens?

    Him: haha, no

    Me: Oh good. I feel surprised that I haven’t heard from you. I thought we were gonna go for a walk or something.

    Him: oh ya well, I …..(whatever he says)

    Me: Okay, well no worries. My week was quite busy anyway.
    (which is true. I am a siren and I don’t sweat it if a guy doesn’t call, especially a man that I’ve only know for a short time and am not invested in. I go on with my life)

    Me cont: So and so invited me to the pub crawl (or whatever). I feel interested in going yet I’d rather not if there’s some awkward feelings between us.


    This is how I would approach it if I was feeling rockstarish.

  318.  #318Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Ella I don’t know I am reviewing Rori’s ebook and what I am getting is that we should be clear that we don’t want a man, any particular man. What we want is a relationship.

  319.  #319Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 11:44 am


    Me cont: So and so invited me to the pub crawl (or whatever). I feel interested in going but it feels a little awkward. What do you think?

  320.  #320Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 11:46 am

    I don’t feel satisfied with the last line yet. I kinda don’t care what he thinks. If I wanted to go, I would just go. The girl invited me, it has nothing to do with him.

  321.  #321Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 11:48 am

    FW: do you have any additional insights regarding what we spoke of the other day, men’s egos and feeling like a failure?Was this covered in CC’s ebook?

  322.  #322Ella on July 9, 2011 at 11:50 am

    K I had another idea whilst I was cleaning the kitchen units…

    Maybe, in most of the cases it is actually me doing the choosing, although it does not always look like that.

    For example I wonder if actually I could be with most of these guys IF I was willing to accept what they were offering.

    Eg: If I was willing to accept being cheated on by Pubman… or putting up with a ketamine habit with Barman… or housemate dude who doesn’t want to marry or have children… and who was all over the place mentally about his ex at the time…

    So actually I am saying NO to these… and that is why I am not with them or it appears like they are not choosing me…

    Still get sooo stuc on J though cus I so wanted to see him again and I am not saying no (although some do think my IM convo might have portrayed that… Rori didn’t seem to think so though which feels comforting. I still feel confused on this).

    Was thinking earlier, what is it that J holds that I want and how can I create that for myself in my life?

    Think it is fun and just a general feeling of happiness.

    I want that.

    Sitting back, opening palms and saying ‘I give this happiness a shot’

    And I do…

    And earlier today I noticed it is not easy… but if I can take babysteps to this I will get there.

    I guess the feeling underneath ALL of this is…

    I feel lonely.

  323.  #323Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 11:52 am

    I had a dream I remember from last night. I dreamt I came upon a bag with some money lying near it. I acknowledged that I was ready to take it as no one was really anywhere close by. However as I reached over to pick it up it occured to me that something did not feel right about it. I questioned myself because normally I would not go ahead and take it but this time I actually noticed that I was not feeling good about that so I ended up acknowledging my feelings and deciding to leave it. I woke up feeling like I had honored myself by acknowledging my feelings and allowing them to influence my choice rather than just instinctively reacting.

  324.  #324Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 11:52 am

    Me cont: So and so invited me to the pub crawl (or whatever). I feel interested in going. I feel more comfortable though knowing that things are cool between us.


    I feel best with this.

    Then I would go and have a lot of fun and not give him any special attention but be warm when he approaches me. I’d make him work for my interest and affection.

    I can be a princess with men. Maybe I just need to reframe my perspective and treat my landlords that way 🙂

  325.  #325Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 11:53 am

    RE 321 LG I had actually forgotten. It might have been from an email. What was it about their ego again?

  326.  #326Ella on July 9, 2011 at 11:56 am


    Thank you.

    Basically I am trying to be a Siren and I am getting on with my life and CD-ing etc…

    And the truth is I did get suck on him… I have got stuck… somehow (and I don’t know how cus there was not sex)n I got hormonally bonded and am creating an imaginary relationship here.

    I can see it and I still don’t know how to not do it yet.


    Re 320 – Urghh, yes I know that is how I feel too, that the girl invited me and if I want to go (which I do) then I should just go…

    And I don’t know if that would be good for me.

    I don’t feel strong enough to be Rockstar and handle any outcome.

    Somehow here in this situation I have come off balance and fallen spectacularly off my horse!!

    Rah!! 🙁

  327.  #327Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 12:02 pm


    “My self esteem feels like it is on the floor.”

    IMHO it’s because you are giving these guys waaaaay too much power over you. I think you are blessed that these dorks poofed. Honestly none of them sound like they can provide the relationship you want.

    It means nothing about you.

    The only thing I would tweak is having a little more control over your nv’s and not letting your fears and worries dominate things.

    I know it was controversial yet I agree with some of what Rusty said about dumping that stuff on a guy. Yes, we want a man who cherishes us and respects our emotions. But it’s not a guy’s job to constantly soothe our insecurities.

    There is even a difference between saying

    “I feel scared” …with the subcontext “and I know this is my own stuff and I’m dealing with it”.


    “I feel scared” ….with the subcontext because you are scary or I can’t handle my own emotions so I need you to make everything okay.

    Know what I mean?

    You are doing great and the right guy will come along. And when he does, you will see clearly that none of these guys were really right for you.

    Or you could see it now and save yorself plenty of suffering.

  328.  #328Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    Ella, how about: “It felt fun being with you the other day… :)” You could also add “xx” if you want. That would be authentic, don’t you think?

  329.  #329Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    Ella: does eft work for you?

    It really helped me out this morning.

  330.  #330Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    CCarter: The best challenge to throw to a man in the beginning are about issues having to do with dating. Asking him “Why can’t lots of men figure out they don’t want a woman for a girlfriend before they get intimate or sleep with her?”

    This is putting big issues out there in front of a man that most women can’t discuss, so it has a lot of “high drama potential”. It is the good kind of drama that instantly raises a guy’s heart rate and makes him sit up and pay ten times more attention to you than before. Why? Because it is the kind of question most women will never ask a man in a playful context that allows him to answer in a pressure free way.

  331.  #331Ella on July 9, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    FW re 318,

    So basically don’t worry about all the ones who have poofed… because it is not the men we want (or any particular man) it is the relationship…

    So each percieved failure is acually a ‘no’ we have said that takes closer to the relationship?

  332.  #332Corin on July 9, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    288- SLV you made me giggle there! FMs to manipulate are never going to produce a healthy relationship, as do any attempts to manipulate or play the wronged, powerless one.

    For me FMs are so important because they help me to understand and accept myself and also allow my man to understand me more too. There’s no getting him to do anything different about it. Whenever I’ve tried to use FMs in that way it always backfires on me. It’s more about being a step towards Radical Honesty as Rori calls it so that we have greater depth of emotional intimacy rather than blame games etc.

    If I’m trying to get him to do something different from what he’s already doing then there’s generally a fear of something coming from me behind this desire to use control as a distraction tool. I try to tap into, express and heal that fear. Often it just involves getting a life, otherwise known as Staying On My Bridge.

    If he sees me grow in a more loving way as a result of my process and then chooses to learn from this himself then great! Telling people to act differently generally just gets me more of what i don’t want. However I can always walk away.

    Whatever we focus upon grows.

    I’m focussing upon trusting that he’s a good man and doesn’t want to hurt me. Always making that assumption in every situation where I have difficult feelings seems to be really helpful.

  333.  #333Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Ella: are you sure you want to go?

    I know yousaid you want to get away from the drinking vibe and this sounds like it would be centered around that.

    Are there any other gatherings you could go to that day where you might meet men who are more in alignment with what you are wanting?

    Is there something that you have been wanting to do just because you feel passionate about it?

    I met my guy when I treated myself to a hot springs trip. I wasn’t expecting to meet a guy, I just love hot springs. And it was cool becaus I met someone who has similar interests as me when I was least expecting it.

  334.  #334Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    So basically don’t worry about all the ones who have poofed… because it is not the men we want (or any particular man) it is the relationship…

    So each percieved failure is acually a ‘no’ we have said that takes closer to the relationship?



  335.  #335Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    What about going to places where althetic men hang out. An outdoor place where people ride bikes, and get physical, and take care of their bodies?

  336.  #336Corin on July 9, 2011 at 12:16 pm


    I’ve been reading your posts on meeting different men and I think you’re in the UK like me. I found that once is started dating on Match, a paying dating site, all the men I met were of a calibre I actually wanted to date. This was in terms of education, career focus, emotional development, commitment to actually find a relationship rather than date etc.

    The free sites seemed to just attract stoners and those on benefits who were sat at home all day or players looking to get laid with minimum fuss. The same with bars and clubs. In there a guy is always going to be focussed on how you look, dress etc and the ones who come up to you are likely to be the ones who chat people up a lot looking for ego strokes/ sex. I have predjudices about men out chatting up women a lot when they are out with their friends i.e why don’t they want to focus on catching up with their mates?

    Just some thoughts to consider. x

  337.  #337Ella on July 9, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    LG re 327,

    Thank you and yes def need to get some power back over my NVs.

    I don’t know, I am struggling.

    Trying not to be judgemental is really grea for me and yet it means I tend not to see the guys as dorks.

    Trying to be open is great and yet it means I am letting these ‘dorks’ CD me… cus they are who is showing up right now.

    Feeling triggered about the stuff about being scared cus actually when I said it it was with the sub context of ‘I feel scared and I know it is my stuff and I can handle it’ but there is also still some ‘I feel scared by you and I can’t handle it so I need you to fix it’ generally about me when I meet guys who I feel it for!

    This is where I am at.

    Can’t help but think the key lies in getting my life really sorted, and only doing things that are really good for me… raising my self esteem so tha the men I draw in start to be of a better quality.

    And then being secure enough in my self esteem that I can handle it when they show up.

    Wow, who would have thought I would need to do so much work in this area!

    Think that the drugs might have to go completely.

    And the alcohol is sill being cut down, still not at the level I want, and still being worked on

    I got a lot more up my sleeve for improving my life and that is what I am working on later tonight in my book.

    And I feel a lil scared of change still.

  338.  #338Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    FW: You told me the other day how CC says that men hear there lady’s criticism as meaning that they are a failure. And how it has to do with their ego.

    I wish I could find it but I’m on my phone right now which makes it challenging.

    It was really helpful and I was just wondering if you had an other insights about that.

    I had asked Rusty for a male perspective and you told me what CC says about it. Does that ring a bell?

  339.  #339Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    Ella: 327

    I hear what you’re saying about calling them dorks. I felt uncomfortable that I said it. I really just meant it in the sense that they haven’t yet proven that they are worthy of your romantic love and devotion.

    Sort of like how another coach suggests that we should see men as scooby doo.

    It’s just about not putting them up on a pedestal, especially when they haven’t really done anything to deserve it.

    I feel uncomfortable being judgmental and I do try to stay open to everyone…but I don’t want to put them on a pedastal.

  340.  #340Ella on July 9, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    Also ‘I feel scared’ with the sub context ‘I am scared and it is my stuff I am handling it’ may not have come over in an IM conversation.

  341.  #341Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    Wow! I feel empowered seeing that I do have a strong and confident attitude with men (for the most part). There’s always room for improvement.

    And how I can shift that attitude to situations where I feel unempowered…like the landlord. This feel awesome!

  342.  #342Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    RE 338 Yes that is basically it. I have to look for the email it came in. It is connected to their competitive nature and they reason many are so into sports. They work to win us over. The ego tells them they are invincible. That is the reason many will leave women who they experience as easy. When we criticise them we focus on the things that are wrong in the relationship. They then think they are failures. Their ego is big so they cannot stand their woman communicating any sense of failure to them. They want to feel like they are heros.

  343.  #343Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Ella 340

    Ya, it can be challenging to communicate that type of thing in IM and text.

  344.  #344Ella on July 9, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    LG re 339

    Yes that feels so much better!

    I know … don’t want to put them on a pedastal either!

    “And esp when they have not done anything to deserve it” … this feels helpful.

    As a default they don’t get status unless they earn it.

    Great – my brain has got it… now just need to get the message to sink down to my heart!


  345.  #345Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    Although I do believe it comes across energetically.

    For instance…

    “Where you abducted by aliens?”…because I can’t imagine any other reason why you wouldn’t call a goodess like me back.

    “It’s cool” (when he explains why he didn’t call)…because I don’t sweat new men not calling me. I know is has nothing to do with my desirability. I don’t take things personally because I know my value…This attitude has to be followed up with action as well, meaning he has to step up before he gets to spend time with me. It doesn’t mean “I let you off the hook for not calling”. It means you still gotta step up before you get to spend time with me.

    Now if this was a man I had a commitment with, I would expect him to call.

  346.  #346Ella on July 9, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    LG yeah I do want to go clubbing. I still enjoy doing that amongst other things.

    I have been thinking a lot recently abou other things I could do, instead of going to the pub… Its a little tricky in some ways cus when I have any free time I tend to work as I am quite focused on getting my businesses going…

    But there is something.

    I love food.

    We have a TV programme here in the UK called ‘Come Dine with Me’ and its about strangers who throw dinner parties for each other and then score each others efforts.

    Since it started non televised versions have cropped up all over the UK. I thought that could feel fun to get involved in… if there is one local to me.


  347.  #347Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    CCarter’s suggestion on Non-Situational Honesty
    “You know I have known for a long time that I want a relationship that”(explain your ideals for a great relationship).

    Do not start talking about how what you have now isn’t what you want or that you NEED to have this ideal relationship with him right now. If you do this it will change the context and nature of the conversation and odds are the guy will change the mood,it will close his desire to listen and share with you in half a second flat.

  348.  #348Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    RE 336 Corin I feel happy about your comments because I have wanted to say something about meeting men in pubs but felt concerned about coming across as judgemental. Some guys do find their “one” in pubs but what is the percentage? The mindset of many men who go to pubs to interact with women is to de-stress and get laid. This is what a friend who owns one told me. Some drink to build up the courage just to approach a girl, and if that is what they do some tend to assume you do the same thing because of fear.

  349.  #349Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    From CCarter email:

    I know, the LAST thing you want to do is “ASK”
    for more love and affection or romance. Besides, asking for more affection or romance makes a man think he’s doing something wrong, or that you’re criticizing him.

    This doesn’t set a very good stage for getting
    that GENUINE affection, does it?

    You want your man to be more affectionate
    because he really FEELS good about you, not
    because you lodged a complaint and now he’s
    “stepping up.”

    I’m talking about being the kind of strong and
    capable man he knows he has to be in order to take
    on the responsibility of a long-term COMMITMENT to
    a woman. At this point, once he starts thinking “I want to get serious with her” a man will start to get
    VERY focused, very fast. He’ll begin to look at his career more seriously. He’ll begin to question the purpose of his life and where he’s headed.

    A man will unconsciously detach and become MORE
    focused on work and his responsibilities and LESS
    focused on you when he’s feeling more serious
    about you. He will be more “inside his head”
    thinking about how you will fit into his life. When this happens, he can often seem to be less affectionate and loving, and it can be a little
    confusing for a woman, to say the least.
    Your worries and fears will make him feel like
    he’s FAILING in trying to be a good partner to you.

    He’ll start to doubt if in fact he can make you
    happy in the long-term. He’ll wonder if you can
    “handle” the small challenges in your relationship
    down the road.

    I mean, if you think the “relationship is over”
    because he didn’t call or pay closer attention to
    you, he’s going to wonder how you’re going to
    handle it when bigger, more challenging things
    happen in the future.

  350.  #350Ella on July 9, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Possible message to J:

    “Were you abducted by aliens? … has invited me to come clubbing in … on … Could be fun.

    I’d like to go and I feel more comfortable knowing things are cool between us. What do you think?”


    “Were you abducted by aliens? … has invited me to come clubbing with yo guy in … on … Could be fun. What do you think?”

  351.  #351Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    More cut and paste from the email

    A woman’s feminine energy can counter all that
    masculine energy with things that are about “being” and sensuality. Soft touches, and appealing to his senses with things like music and candles can INSPIRE a man to become more affectionate with you. Just don’t make the mistake of falling back
    into talking about the relationship, why you’re
    worried, and what he’s doing “wrong.” All that’s going to do is just push him deeper down into himself where he’ll start to doubt your future together.

    By being more of a feminine presence around him
    with more sensual and soothing words and touches,
    you’ll make him feel MORE masculine, and more of a
    “man.” This in turn also inspires him to be more
    nurturing and loving toward you.

    Talking, complaining, criticizing or nagging
    does NOT inspire a man to give genuine affection.
    It only makes him feel INEFFECTIVE and
    unappreciated for the things he believes he needs
    to do in order to be a good “provider” for you.

  352.  #352Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    Ella for some reason I don’t like the what do you think at the end of these question. For me it suggests seeking approval for having my own life and enjoying it. As if you lack the ability to make choices for yourself. What does you going out clubbing have to do with someone who was abducted by aliens and thus off the planet?

  353.  #353Kyla on July 9, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    I feel sad today. Talking with R lots and although I understand his reasons and he understands mine I have to accept that he is doing what is best for him. It will all end in the same result anyway and that is what matters. I cannot control him, only me. It would feel so much better if we did this another way but for now I need to accept his ‘no’.

  354.  #354Ella on July 9, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    FW yeah I know what you mean and I agree.

    So how about:

    “Hey J. Were you abducted by aliens? … has invited me to come clubbing with you guys in … on … Sounds fun and I’d like to and I feel more comfortable to accept knowing that things are cool between us”.

    FW – In some ways I am asking for his go ahead to go… I know that feels a bit icky and the truth is I would/will go if I want to, with or without his approval. And yet I want to feel comfortable. And I don’t feel comfortable showing up in his social group until I know the lie of the land between me and him. So I am looking after me.

    Hope that makes some sense. It feels right to me.


  355.  #355Ella on July 9, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    I wonder should I just ditch the abducted by aliens bit?

  356.  #356Mel on July 9, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Feeling kinda down today. Does anyone have a funny movie suggestion (Netflix streaming) for me?

    I really don’t feel like going out and being social. I feel like being understanding of my body when it tells me that it just wants to cry (and not in public).

    Maybe if I can laugh a little I will gain a little bit of momentum and positivity and be able to write a few cover letters to some jobs I would like to apply to.

    I think I have definitively ruled out staying in this city though. The more I think of it the more icky I feel about that choice. I think I’ll stay till the end of the summer and then move away when our lease expires here.

    So now I think my choices are go home or teach overseas. Both of those still feel good. Now I just need to find a job!

  357.  #357Ella on July 9, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    ((((Kyla)))) Wow you are showing amazing strength and feminine grace.

    Well done you. xx

  358.  #358Mel on July 9, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    Hey Kyla,

    When is your move?

  359.  #359Ella on July 9, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Mel, try – ‘Its complicated’… or ‘Marley and Me’.

    You are thinking and planning ahead and thinking of you and that is GREAT. You are so strong.

    I’m glad the options of moving home or teaching abroad feel good to you.

    Good to be productive and also important to be gentle with yourself atm.


  360.  #360Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    More cut and paste

    “You show a man where you want to go, then you relax and CREATE THE SPACE for him to take you there, but you don’t fill the space for him. This way, a man can feel like he’s the one who pursued you, and you can feel more relaxed knowing that the date was “his” idea. Because the LAST thing you want to be doing or feeling is that you’re somehow “chasing” the guy.

    So anyhow.

    Here’s an example of how you might do this. You might say something like, “You seem like a great guy. I’d love to get to know you better. Here’s my number. If you were to ask me out for tea sometime, I’d say yes.”

    Here’s the caveat for this technique:

    It’s NOT backleading when you’re calling him all the time, texting him to meet you somewhere, complaining that he doesn’t call you enough, or pushing him to “make good” on a suggestion that you two do something together.

    That’s not backleading.

    That’s CONVINCING, and it’s a total turnoff for a man if he’s not yet sure where the relationship is headed.

  361.  #361Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    RE 354 I guess we are different in that aspect. I had something similar recently where he actually invited me and I chose not to go. Don’t want to be hanging around someone I am romantically attracted to unless it is a date.

  362.  #362Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    “I mean, if you think the “relationship is over”
    because he didn’t call or pay closer attention to
    you, he’s going to wonder how you’re going to
    handle it when bigger, more challenging things
    happen in the future.” (CCarter via FW)

    This kinda fits in with the fears I’ve been having. When is “not paying closer attention to you” a legitimate problem (where your needs are not being met in the relationship) as opposed to something you just need to accept?

    I have been thinking about what happened with my ex-h and I realize I feel afraid of getting into a new relationship where I will again feel that my feelings aren’t being cared for and respected.

    I feel afraid that ex-h is “as good as it gets” and that All relationships eventually get to the point ours got to… and that I am in error to think that a different man will give me a different kind of relationship.

  363.  #363Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Kyla what struck me was “talking with R lots”. I know it is your life but it seem to me like the sadness might be connected with the subject of the talks. If you consciously shifted to subject to something that feels good to you it might help as well as create some inspiration for him. Is there anything you are looking forward to in Canada? for instance.

  364.  #364Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Ella, I’d say drop the alien thing if you don’t feel comfortable or natural saying it.

  365.  #365Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    RE 362 Lucy this reminds me of what tinque always says about bringing it back to me. What are you not giving yourself?

  366.  #366Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    RE 364 LG I love the alien thing. As a matter of fact I plan to use it with someone who has disappeared for months the next time he reappears.

  367.  #367Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    I feel afraid that my hopes for relationship are “unrealistic.”

    I feel myself holding back a little from New Guy bc of this.

    I am thinking: Maybe he will eventually not cherish my feelings too. Then what?

    I don’t want to have a “broken home”… step-father for my kids, etc., if it’s just gonna end up with the same kind of pain as it would’ve staying with their father.

  368.  #368Femininewoman on July 9, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    RE 367 Reminds me of another coach saying expectations are the mother of disaster. How about just living in the moment and enjoying it?

  369.  #369Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    365 FW. I’m not sure what you mean. I don’t feel at all dependent on a man emotionally – my concern is having a man disregard my feelings when in a relationship… doing things that are upsetting to me and not caring, etc. Or neglecting me to the point where I feel like I need another man.

  370.  #370Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    In other words, being in a relationship that feels worse than being alone.

  371.  #371Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    FW: I like the alien thing too as long as it comes out as light-hearted and natural.

    I’m finding your posts very helpful.

    Sitting with it and letting these concepts sink in.

    This one blows my mind…

    “A man will unconsciously detach and become MORE
    focused on work and his responsibilities and LESS
    focused on you when he’s feeling more serious
    about you. He will be more “inside his head”
    thinking about how you will fit into his life. When this happens, he can often seem to be less affectionate and loving, and it can be a little
    confusing for a woman, to say the least.
    Your worries and fears will make him feel like
    he’s FAILING in trying to be a good partner to you.”

  372.  #372Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    368. FW. Hmm, I am feeling… frustrated, I guess, because I am thinking that I am not being understood. (Sorry if that is a lame FM… suggestions for a better one, anyone?)

    Expectations that undermine relationships, I think, are different from wanting a relationship where you are cared for and not neglected.

  373.  #373Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    I am enjoying and living in the moment with him to a large extent… but he is doing a lot of “future talk” and that’s why these fears are coming up. He is quite serious about me. I don’t want to end up in another marriage like my first one… If it’s gonna end up the same, I’d rather it suck in a marriage to my kids’ father than suck in a marriage to someone new.

  374.  #374tinque on July 9, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Mel – Have you seen the first season of Glee? It’s on streaming, and not only is it mostly funny, the talent is phenomenal.

    The Swimsuit Issue about a male synchronized swim team is good.

    Dirty Sexy Money, another TV series with Donald Sutherland is really good with lots of humor.

    Leverage is another series but very funny.

    Lie To Me, another series is awesome.

    You might like Sunshine Cleaning.

    Farce of the Penguins is cute and funny.

    I hope one of these will help you feel better.


    Ladies In Lanvender is not a comedy but such a great movie, heartwarming.

  375.  #375how to get over a guy on July 9, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    this is a great article

  376.  #376tinque on July 9, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Feeling fear and maybe some mistrust Lucy is not uncommon and almost to be expected. Can you try to stay in the moment, moment by moment, and just see what unfolds?


  377.  #377Lily T. on July 9, 2011 at 2:39 pm


    I like the musical Mama Mia as a “feel good” movie.

  378.  #378gina on July 9, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Wow, I read some of the AG n Dolores convo up there, and that felt really weird.

    Umm..I guess I was angry when I commented about how I feel sick of certain behavior from guys. I feel super upset about D, sorry I aimed my negativity your way. I feel triggered and am having a hard time communicating. I guess all I want to say is thanks for helping me see how my own inner violence is received by innocent bystanders.

    I do feel angry and upset. I see that I disrespected him, and so now I can’t tell if this is really a relationship I don’t want to be in or if I just screwed up a good thing….

  379.  #379gina on July 9, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    a good thing being a relationship in progress, where both people have some healing and growing to do. I wonder if we could have done it together. I cut out of the relationship while we were still together cause I was silently judging him, and sometimes complaining about him here. But I wasn’t able to effectively communicate with him to create a better relationship. I feel like I’m milking the situation for all it’s worth, in terms of learning, and that’s good. But now I feel good to refocus on living in the moment.

  380.  #380Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 2:45 pm


    I feel like with each dude that poofs, it allows us to refine our boundaries and don’t wants just a tad bit tighter…allowing even BETTER men to show up.

    I like this about him, but I didn’t like that. I desire this in a man with whom I am in relationship, but not that…

  381.  #381Luzydel on July 9, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    I came to the blog because I was thinking and asking myself…why do you want a man?

    I have my own place
    I already have a child
    I support myself
    I Love myself.

    I want a man because I want to feel his skin near mine; I want a man because I want him to admire me, to kiss my shoulders.
    I want him to enjoy being with me, to cherish my nonsense.
    I want a man who can see the details of my face, and enjoy them!

    I want to love a man who can love me…

    For that reason I am not going to have sex without love anymore, this is not a self righteous decision, but I have had meaningless sex before and that is something I can get anytime without effort. But these men will not and have not LOVED me.

    It has been over six months without sex and I can have my own orgasms. I want to feel what it is to have sex with a man who really loves me.

    This is not about manipulation or morals, people are free to make their own choices and sex is wonderful; I am just tired of having just sex, I want more.

  382.  #382Daria on July 9, 2011 at 2:51 pm


    i had a dream where i was spending mucho time with Sexy CD . and it felt fun and exciting just like the phone call…

    he had to hide from the police and make it to the eastbay

    and i kept trying to figure out buses for him to take

    he wound up and i did too going to the house where Hawkman lives

    Hawkman was around and there was tension

    Hawkman brought me some pot…

    but i felt guilty around Hawkman

    and i felt very horny and i wanted to do it with SexyCD

    but when sexy cd went outside hawkman was around’
    and we were eating fried fish from the stove

    that a girl was cooking

    and i just felt a sad drainy vibe from Hawkman that i obviously felt interested in this other man

    i felt like Hawkman was my boyfriend

    i was also having to keep reminding myself to lean back and not get in boy mode

    the dream felt VERY real

    i now VERY MUCH miss Sexy CD


    i feel kinda turned off to Hawkman

    he sent me a sexy text this morning but it was more about asking what i think of him sexually

    it just feels like effort to say yes i did love it

    i enjoyed the sex, not sure if i Loved it… i did love it … i guess

    i just know i feel annoyed

    and im like ….

    youre not making any plans to see me… were just dating

    so why do ihave to act like a gf and give you approval and contact with texts and phone calls


    i know i was just talking about how i dont contact men any more

    but i REALLY want to call up Sexy CD right now

    and i kinda want to call up Handsome Man too



    whats the point, they are both pressuring me for sex without dates’
    and without me feeling like they totally honor me

    on the other hand ?Hawkman does honor me however i feel annoyed that he is not making plans to see me and is just calling me and texting me…

    wait he idndt even call yesterday

    just text all day

    its keeping me attached

    i dont usualy text/ call with men between dates

    i just want dates

    not lots of text calling

    im feeling sad

    pouty face

    i love my pouty face

    i feel urgency

    i love my urgency

    im feeling so RUSHED!

    im going to Romania in 5 days

    well to NY and then Romania

    i wish i had worry free travel abilities and was just able to be like

    oh im flying first class tomorrow

    and coming back whenever i want

    without having it be a big deal

    i love my sad ,dissapointed feeligs

    i keep on thinking of Hawkman as my boyfriend

    i feel so disappointed and confused and weird and bad that Pleaser hasnt contacted me

    i thought we had an awesome connection and he was even gonna help me with my credit

    shoot i was going to have sex with him!

    but he totally hasnt contacted and did not follow up that day he said he was gonna take me out

    i wonder if he wants me to contact?

    i know he’s not dead or anything bec last night i checked his page just for that purpose and he had last logged in 10 hours before


    i now got a call from my guy friend that lives around here

    and we will meet up soon ! yay!

    i find myself in boy mode with him mucho “lets hangout”

    and i can practice on that

    and also i have a CD set up for an hour ago, and i think he called me

    but i dont really feel up to it right this second

    i will call him back later i think

  383.  #383Ella on July 9, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Actually I like the alien thing too…

    “Hey J. Were you abducted by aliens? … has invited me to come clubbing with you guys on … in … Sounds fun and I feel interested to come and I feel more comfortable t accept knowing everything is cool between us”.

  384.  #384Daria on July 9, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    Loneplum – thank you for sharing your experience with the argile clay! awesome i now believe in it and will try it out soon

    as an update, my ankle burn is now already showing fresh, healed, unscarred regular skin… yay!

  385.  #385Mel on July 9, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    I bought myself some vine ripened strawberries, a healthy takeout dinner (because I really don’t feel like cooking today) and a single beautiful cupcake for a treat.

    I am losing too much weight because of stress and wanted to have some healthy (but hearty) things that will stick to my hips 😉

    Now I will find a nice movie to watch and put my feet up. I will be gentle with myself and see how I feel. If I want to I will do some resumes/cover letters later with a more positive energy.

    I love me. I deserve good food. My body and mind deserve a break. Baby steps.

  386.  #386Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 3:07 pm


    Looking forward to it!

  387.  #387Mel on July 9, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    How’s the ear Lillybelly?

  388.  #388Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 3:10 pm


    ****Applause, Cheers and Roaring from this peanut gallery****

    I’m searching Netflix for a good movie too. I’m currently watching the third season of “Weeds” but am feeling a bit melancholy so searching for a good heart tugger. Weeds may be a better choice, it cracks me up but has some seriously foul language. Not that it bothers me since my second language is “Truckers Mouth”. 😉

  389.  #389Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 3:14 pm


    Awww Mel~ Thanks for asking! I grounded myself to my home this weekend to take care of me and it. I got some natural ear drops…Wally’s Ear Oil, that was recommended to me by LD and it seems to be helping to open the canal. I can’t quite get it to start draining but it isn’t quite so red and swollen on the outside. When I stick the antibiotic drops in, I am able to feel them a bit more and it isn’t plugging up so much. I think it’s improving.

    I did make the appointment to see the ENT but it isn’t until Wednesday. I am so chicken about this and it’s so dumb. I had a effing bone marrow biopsy last I figure if I can get through that, I sure as he)) should be able to get through a little bit of ear roto rootering…

    I’m taking care of me too. 🙂

  390.  #390Mel on July 9, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Not that it bothers me since my second language is “Truckers Mouth”.


    I love weeds! Haven’t seen the latest season though!

  391.  #391Ice Princess on July 9, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    OMG! Today has been unreal. LP, the kids, and I all went to lunch and shopping for several hours today! I joked at the end of our outing about maybe not hearing from him for a while and how that would make me feel. Well he called already “just to say hi”. Feeling so great today!!

  392.  #392Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    I just got asked out by a female-hating UFC prize fighter.

    I said yes, lol…only cuz we been friends for a long time, and i bet i would be triggered as hell on a date with him, and would have fun to a certain extent.

    and anyway i need to get my CD’s up! and i want to date big built guys! thank you universe!

    although, he is the most built up human being i’ve ever seen with my own eyes.

  393.  #393Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 3:20 pm


    Seriously, it makes me laugh out loud.

    Did you ever watch Nip/Tuck?

  394.  #394Ice Princess on July 9, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    I love Nip/Tuck!

  395.  #395Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 3:25 pm


    I did too!!

  396.  #396Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    It feels so good to be asked out!

    Though I wish it were “my guy”

    It seems as though he actually is taking space this time. for once. it feels awkward as hell. uncomfortable…

    but this is what i wanted. time and space for things to develop normally. not just a lusty whirlwind, but a real life, with a game plan, values established, consistency…security. mmm security feels so yummy!

    i could never hear from him again, and that has to be okay!

  397.  #397Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    this site has a lot free streaming! it links to mostly chinese streaming sites. I’ve used this site for years and am very happy with it.

    i watch weeds and nip tuck on there, among many other shows.

  398.  #398Dorothea on July 9, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    time to go out for the night…have a great night everyone!

  399.  #399marina on July 9, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Oh my dear Sirens!

    I can’t keep up with all the convo’s… Let alone start getting off my chest what I want to get off my chest by writing here.
    Oh well, tomorrow is a new day 🙂
    I want to sleep, it is 0035 here now.

    Anyway, I think this TEDtalk by Nicole Daedone on female orgasm is awesome!
    Enjoy 🙂;Most-popular

    XXX Marina

  400.  #400Wildflower on July 9, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    I can totally relate to what you’ve been going through. It feels VERY frustrating when men poof. I’ve had a few men recently that have poofed after I spoke the truth (in feeling messages but still). For example one man I had been out with a few times (and had a great time with) suddenly showed up for the date and seemed distant, angry and just being kind of inconsiderate (cursing a lot and just not using basic table manners). These things really trigger me so I said “I feel uncomfortable” and just left it at that. He responded with (totally shocked me) how he struggles with severe depression and alcoholism and has been suicidal and on disability in the past– and that he’s been feeling some of those tendencies creep back lately. It was a nice discussion actually. I’ve struggled with depression in the past so we could relate. I never heard from him after that date which deep down didn’t surprise me. It still felt confusing because to me it felt like a victory because #1 I spoke the truth about feeling uncomfortable rather than sit there and be polite and later think he was a jerk which I would have done in the past and #2 I actually had an intimate conversation with another human being (one that in the grand scheme I barely knew making it all the more amazing). Yet despite all this it still felt bad when he didn’t call me (wondered if maybe I should have kept my mouth shut). This despite the fact that I sensed he and I were probably not in the same place. I agree with what LG was saying about pursuing relationships rather than particular men. I (and maybe you too???) see these intimate moments as positive and successful because I want a “relationship” and I know that discussing anything difficult or expressing anger has been difficult for me in the past. I know what you mean though about it sometimes feeling like one step forward two steps back. I’m going to stick with it though because I believe that eventually I will meet a man who can handle my truth. Also I remember once hearing Rori say we grieve our old lives even if we know deep down we want to move on to something bigger and better. I’ve been working on not drinking and trying to eat more healthy too, and plus I’m older than you so I am really wanting to move out of the singles “bar” scene and in to the “family happily married” scene but sometimes it feels terrifying and sad because I’ve had so much fun being single, it’s all I’ve known, and it means change and that feels terrifying. Hope all this rambling makes sense. I think you’re doing wonderfully.

  401.  #401LobbyStar on July 9, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    A guy came to visit me at my job, a first in person meeting, after emailing back and forth for a couple weeks. (Met him on a dating site, where I rockstarred and made the first contact.) We spent about 15 minutes or so talking and laughing.

    When I got home, I found an email from him asking me for a date! He said “you have awesomeness and positivity emanating from you in so many ways.”

    Yay me!! I feel so smiley!!

  402.  #402alias girl on July 9, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    so in my ongoing experiment that i call my life..

    my new “tricks” i am trying

    I wish to NEVER EVER give advice again to anyone. seriously. why would anyone need my advice? wtf. i feel very excited about this new plan of action.

    AND i no longer wish to complain incessantly inside my head. yada yada yada ALL DAMN DAY. look i am doing it right now. i am complaining about how i complain. STOP. NO MORE.

    and finally. appreciation. this, i believe, is my KEY to my happiness. I am sure of it.

    YAE! I feel excited. but it feels super advanced for me. esp that complaining thing. ikes. i will REALLY need to be IN THE MOMENT and being authentic and expressing and appreciating so there will be no need to complain later and mull it over for four days in my head. lol.


    dorothea i feel appreciative of our interaction last night. i felt very scared and anxious because i was expressing things i usually run away from. but i actually feel more compassion and connection to you now and i feel hopeful it is not a permanent rift between us. i understand now how you could have felt misinterpretted and misunderstood.

    gina – thank you. i felt unsure and awkward to share my feelings on that.

    i feel kind of awkward right in this present moment also and i feel a DEEP URGE TO ERASE THIS before posting. to say nothing. to not commuicate. to be alone rather than make mistakes with people. argh.

    well, i am opting for messy communication rather than no communication. ew. i feel ew. i am contradicting my pattern of isolating in order to not form bonds with people and it’s feeling a little “ew”.

  403.  #403Ice Princess on July 9, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    Alias Girl, You helped me so much yesterday. Your advice is great!!

  404.  #404Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    “Feeling fear and maybe some mistrust Lucy is not uncommon and almost to be expected. Can you try to stay in the moment, moment by moment, and just see what unfolds?” (Tinque)

    Thanks Tinque. Feels good to think this is “normal.” If you have other insights about what I shared I would love to hear them.

    I would appreciate hearing thoughts from other Sirens about this too. FW, I do appreciate what you wrote, and I’m sorry if I was abrupt in the way I responded to you. <3

  405.  #405Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    Alias Girl, I love your post.

    Luzydel, I love yours too.

    I feel grateful for everyone here. <3

  406.  #406tinque on July 9, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    Lucy – I gave this some thought – how to tell if it’s you or it’s a toxic man. It’s inevitably about you and what triggers, meaning it’s time to go inside and see what’s up, what needs to be addressed, what needs healing.

    I have come to this though though. When you feel complete indifference to the person and still prefer to not be in his company, then you’ve likely healed and he’s the toxic one.


  407.  #407DE on July 9, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    Okay, Sirens…I felt in love with this song and video…

    here is some Motivation for u to go out there and CD…:)

  408.  #408Daria on July 9, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Marina – thank you for that TED talk post on orgasm

    i love how she describes her exeperience… and i plan to tell Hawkman about it cuz he can be a little rough

    i am going to have him concentrate on me for 15 min, and describe my pussy to me hehe

    and then i will have him put his thumb on the opening part

    and touch my clit in the 1 o clock position

    and i will tell him to touch his eyelid and touch my clit in the same way he did his eyelid

    ohhhh that so ooo helps! yay!!!

    the eyelid thing is great!

  409.  #409Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 5:05 pm


    Can’t the fear about GREAT NEW GUY be a couple of things here?

    He’s really, REALLY stepping up. Not used to this happening so it can feel scary.


    Could it be also that you are simply afraid of chosing wrong?

    I have to agree with Tinque. I would feel concerned if there wasn’t just a bit of hesitation..I know I would be if it were me. Nervous and a bit scared. I don’t know that I would think I haven’t completely healed yet although that certainly could be true.

    I would feel even more concerned if these feelings you are experiencing right now caused you to stop seeing him. I wish I knew more about him but I have a feeling, a strong one, that he can help you through this.

    What say you, Luce?

  410.  #410Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    “I wish I knew more about him but I have a feeling, a strong one, that he can help you through this.” (Lilybelle)

    My eyes popped open wide when I read this. Wow. See, he’s very wise, perceptive, intuitive, spiritual, etc etc and he realy Wants to help me through all my fears and concerns. I am allowing him to, up to a point. I don’t want to dump everything on him, don’t want to place pressure on him, don’t want to become emotionally dependent on him. But Yes… you must be picking up on something intuitively there, Lilybelly. I can’t say specifics, but he is amazingly tuned in to me… and seems to care deeply.

  411.  #411Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    Pondering outloud about what AG said about not giving advice in order to figure out what works for me…

    I feel energized when I share what I would do in a situation or share my experiences or something I’ve heard that might be helpful.

    I feel depleted and sometimes angry when I have expectations around how the other person is going to receive my sharing.

    Sharing feels good to me because it helps me to get clear on situations without have the emotional charge of being directly involved with it.

    That feels good.

    I usually feel bad when I give my romantic partner advice.

    When I give advice to man friends, I notice that I feel an energy shift in our dynamic.

    I guess for me it boils down to my expectations and the situation.

    Whew! I feel more relaxed. I was feeling tense imagining myself commiting to never ever ever giving advice. Although I don’t really see myself as giving advice, rather sharing my experiences and perceptions without expecting anything to come of it.

    When I do offer something that feels uplifting to someone else, I feel really really happy and satisfied and like I am contributing to joy in the world.

  412.  #412Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    About the stepping up thing… Yes, he’s the first guy I’ve liked post-marriage who has really stepped up…. BUT – my ex-h stepped up strong and fast when we were dating too! So that scares me. 🙁

    The only thing is, there was an incident during the time we were sending out wedding invitations that raised a red flag for me about him not really caring about my feelings. I called off the wedding but within days he and our friend had convinced me to go through with it. 🙁

  413.  #413Wildflower on July 9, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    I met a really handsome man yesterday who I felt comfortable around–and I wanted to kiss him. He told me he wants to go out again and that he would call me. Even texted me later to say he had a fun time. I texted him back but was on my way out the door to another date so had to keep it short (didn’t respond with any of my own questions to keep the conversation going-just answered his). NOw I feel worried he wanted to start a conversation and I was short. This was just last evening so I want to tell myself this is just my insecurity speaking–I love my insecurity. Surely he would understand I may have plans on a Friday night and also texting is hard to communicate well. I went on another date that evening. Nice man. I felt happy because we both discussed we want the same things (family) but I didn’t feel a romantic connection. I told him I would go out with him again. Trying not to laser focus on the first guy though. Going out with my friend in the city tonight. My goal is to lean back and flirt…feeling nervous and frankly a bit “why the heck am i doing this i feel exhausted of all this crap.” I’m wondering if this is a signal i need to be nice to myself and know that it’s ok for my boy energy to chill on occasion. i tend to feel like i have to keep my schedule constantly booked…I intend to make time to just feel my feelings and be. I’m so glad I have so many good role models on this forum. Thank you 🙂

  414.  #414Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    Also I’ve noticed that I’ve stopped giving advice to people who I think NEED it. The fact that I think they need it is a big clue to me.

    I feel much better when I realize that they don’t nned it. The answers will come to them in one way or another.

    But when I am sharing just for the fun of sharing, that feels like communion and connection and juicy sisterliness which I love.


  415.  #415Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    Tinque, I think what this revealed that needs healing is mostly the pain of my feelings and needs not being understood and valued by my mom when I was growing up, and then my ex-h who is very much like mom. I don’t blame them, in a way, bc my feelings and needs are kind of atypical, quirky… and they can’t help it that they don’t understand. So I can forgive them… and I’ve worked through a lot of this from childhood, so I don’t know what else to do to heal it further. How can I heal it so that it won’t disrupt relationships? And what does it mean – if I was completely healed, ex-h would have cared about my feelings???? Or he still wouldn’t have, but it wouldn’t faze me bc we’re no longer married?

    But what about the hurt of what he actually did? The loss I experienced because of his actions? How could my healing have prevented that loss?

  416.  #416Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    Would I have just grieved the loss without having any anger toward him?

  417.  #417Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    I’m at a trunk show right now and there are beautiful clothes. I had to step outside and relax because I was feeling overwhelmed. I felt unable to make a clear decision.

    I feel relaxed now and I have a plan for what I’m going to buy…a beautiful fitted corset-like leather vest, a simple red cotton sundress, a cabaret style red and black vest for performing in, and if I have enough cash left over I will buy the yummy smelling essential oil.

    I feel a little extravagant because I don’t really need any new clothes but I will treat myself. Other than the sundress, these are all unique pieces that I will be able to wear for years to come.

    I feel excited! Okay, headed back in!

  418.  #418Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    “When you feel complete indifference to the person and still prefer to not be in his company, then you’ve likely healed and he’s the toxic one. ” (Tinque)

    Tinque, can you explain this part a little more?

    Why would we feel indifference to a person who is Toxic? Wouldn’t we feel yucky around a toxic person?

    If we do feel indifferent, why would we mind being in his company?

  419.  #419Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    @410: Laughing Goddess says:
    “…When I do offer something that feels uplifting to someone else, I feel really really happy and satisfied and like I am contributing to joy in the world….”

    You are contributing to joy in the world… 😀

  420.  #420Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    Okay, I do feel a little uncomfortable spending this much money. I feel better though committing to myself that I will go home and get some work done and bring more income in.

    And I feel happy that I look super hot in all the items I’m going to buy.

  421.  #421tinque on July 9, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    Yes on #415 Lucy. No one can meet your needs but you. A man can share with you, enrich your life, take you deeper than you can alone, yet you would be whole and complete onto yourself. It just feels so damn good being able to have someone else there along for the ride.

    I don’t think we are ever completely healed, but when you can heal alongside someone who gets this and get it too, the “missteps” can pass by almost unnoticed, even laughed about in a “aren’t humans funny creatures” kind of way.


  422.  #422Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 5:45 pm


    This feels scary to admit, Luce…BUT I have really strong feelings about him…in my gut kinda feelings about him and it’s kinda scary. I have NO idea who he is or what he is about but I feel him.

    I believe that you are completely safe to open up all that you fear with him. And he will continue to SHOW you that you are safe with him.

    I want you to feel confident in that. Based on what?My gut? It feels so bizarre to me and I just can’t explain it.

    As far as your ex-h. Can you be okay with “everyone did the best they could at the time”? That really seems to help me with healing some of the past crap, mostly in forgiving myself but it really does help.

  423.  #423Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    Most of the time now I Do feel indifferent around him. We had been getting along well and I could take him or leave him….

    Until he did this thing that brought such sorrow and dismay… and bewilderment as to Why he did it.

    I was kinda in shock and very very confused.

    And then got angry … bc he didn’t seem to care about my loss.

    What do you think, Tinque/others?

    And afterwards I felt so sad that our “getting along” days were now gone.

  424.  #424Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 5:47 pm


    YAY LG~ This is so fun, you hot Siren you!

  425.  #425alias girl on July 9, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    #398 thank you, marina!

    after watching the video:

    1) i have a desire to have sex. right now. with another person. and feel connected. and orgasm.

    2) i felt like WHOA –that women just felt brave to me.

    i feel a litle inhibited in the sex department & about orgasms… and she is just up there, nonchalant, like she’s talking about kitchen cupboards.

    yae! i loved it! thanks for sharing!

  426.  #426tinque on July 9, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    You would feel indifference because this person just can’t affect you either way, positively or negatively. You can look at this person’s toxicity with compassion and know that you can’t help, and this is okay. This person will get it or not, and it’s not up to you. It’s up to them.

    You wouldn’t mind being in their company, you would just prefer to be around people who add to you life, make it feel better or encourage you to grow even more.


  427.  #427Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    @413: Laughing Goddess says:
    “…I feel much better when I realize that they don’t nned it. The answers will come to them in one way or another. …”

    I realize “need” is relative but one of the ways answers come to people is sometimes ten years later during the divorce. IMHO I’d rather have an answer now than after ten years of bungling along and being less happy.


  428.  #428Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    420 Tinque. So… if I hadn’t gotten angry, and had just stayed with the sorrow and crying… and he continued to ignore me like he was doing…

    what would that mean?

    Would it mean he doesn’t care about my feelings but we could still have a good marriage…. or…

    Would it mean he is toxic and I deserve someone else who will care… and it’s possible to have someone who will care?

  429.  #429Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 5:59 pm


    I’ve been through little Google Hell today. I deleted my riff here on Rori blog… I think I did, did I? … stuff was getting crazy. So many e-mails back and forth.

    I am so darn stubborn…


  430.  #430Ella on July 9, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Wildflower re 399,

    Is feels great to know that you can relate to me!

    Yes I feel like I am ‘grieving’ for parts of my old life as I gradually make changes… and other bits happen naturally.

    It really helps to pay attention to what feels good and use that to hone up will I do and don’t want – v interesting.

    What I hve noticed for me is that sometimes when I start getting attachement feelings over a guy, esp if it looks like I might be developing an imaginary relationship, it is actually not about the guy at all.

    Its me hashing out my issues through the medium of a pretend relationship…

    Woohoo I love my creativity in finding ways to heal… and I don’ want to ‘dump’ my stuff on another person…

    So I can work on my stuff about my pretend relationship all by myself… and here on the blog.

    And actually that feels pretty good.

  431.  #431Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    I don’t know why I’m questioning this so much – even before this incident, he was pretty clear that he doesn’t want an actual relationship with me or anyone else.

    I guess bc I was the one who asked for the divorce I still feel responsible for the marriage ending… so I’m second-guessing myself, wondering if it doesn’t get any better anyway.

    But does that even matter if he’s not trying to pursue relationship with me?

    He even said last week that he will be happy for me if I find someone else bc I deserve to have the relationship I want. So He’s fine with me moving on….

  432.  #432Wildflower on July 9, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Oh I totally understand you’re just working stuff out on the blog. I admire that about you and the other ladies and want to work up the courage to do that myself. I hope I didn’t come across like I thought you were totally distraught or needing my advice or anything…I guess I was kind of thinking out loud about my own stuff and then kind of relating it to your stuff. Whether it came across that way or not I don’t know… 🙂

  433.  #433Mel on July 9, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    So I watched a movie, ate my delicious cupcake and strawberries, and am feeling a little better.

    I still don’t feel like working on those job applications. Why? Is this just too overwhelming for me right now? Why am I resisting?

  434.  #434Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    “You would feel indifference because this person just can’t affect you either way” (Tinque)

    But what about their actions that can affect us – such as if they steal money, or beat us, or trash the house? Wouldn’t these things affect us no matter how indifferent we are to the actual person when they are not doing destructive things to us or our belongings?

    I know I’m asking a lot of questions…. I just want to get this… thank you for your patience with me!

  435.  #435alias girl on July 9, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    i feel a desire to reach out to a certain man

    so i can GET something from him (connection…ideally SEX!)

    i don’t want to reach out to people to GET things.

    or maybe connection is ok?

    no i feel a wanting to GET something not just a casual wanting to connect.

    i feel confused. but still, i am choosing not to reach out because i don’t feel clear. nonrockstar non goddess feeling.

    ah yes, i feel lonely and bored. ah. yes. thank you.
    not the best time to reach out.

    or is it?

    seriously. i feel like a kindergartner when it comes to socializing and human interactions.

  436.  #436Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    @432: Mel says:
    “…So I watched a movie,…”

    Anything you’d recommend?


  437.  #437Mel on July 9, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    Re: 435

    It appears Netflix in Canada doesn’t have the same selection as in the US.

    I ended up watching “The Jane Austen Book Club” It was only okay. Not great. But it did allow me to kick back for a while. 🙂

  438.  #438Mel on July 9, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Maybe tonight is a 2-movie kinda night! Maybe if I just get this blah-ness out of my system I’ll be more productive tomorrow!

  439.  #439Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    421 Lilybelle, Wow. wow. It would feel so good to be able to trust all that. I believe there is something to your gut feeling… maybe it is coming through your gut instead of mine bc mine is too muddied by fear. He really wants me to be able to trust him, but he is so accepting of the fact that I’m not there yet. I think he feels a little sad but okay about it.

    Thank you so much. I will tuck your words away in my heart and keep opening up… babysteps….

    Re: my divorce. I think it would be so much easier if he had initiated the divorce and was adamant about there being no chance in h*ll for reconciliation… or had found a new woman, etc. But he is very passive, so it always looks like he would go along with whatever…. (until of course he goes rogue like he did this week).

    Thanks. <3

  440.  #440Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 6:25 pm


    I saw TJABC a couple years ago. It was cozy and sweet…made me want to start a reading club like that. Somebody mentioned the film on Twitter and there were a few book reading clubs that met on Twitter at the time.

  441.  #441Mel on July 9, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    Hey SLV,

    I’ve always wanted to be in a book club actually. It’s incredibly hard to find one that’s accepting new members. Maybe I’ll just have to start my own! 😉

  442.  #442Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 6:30 pm


    After I returned stack of DVDs to library this afternoon and racking up the $45 in fines 😳 I was left with these three:

    I Am Love
    The Kids Are All Right
    A Good Year

    Which one should I watch tonight?


  443.  #443Mel on July 9, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    According to IMDB:

    I am Love : 7/10
    The kids Are All Right 7.3/10
    A Good Year: 6.8/10

    Tough choice… I DO find Russell Crowe quite yummy though 😉

  444.  #444Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    @440: Mel

    Maybe something online, Twitter, FB, or forums but… those meetings looks so fun and cozy, didn’t they?

    Maybe you could start a group. That could be fun. I think there are also reading groups in Meetup dot com or perhaps if no Meet up dot com in your country there could be an equivalent group.


  445.  #445Senior Lady Vibe on July 9, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    @442: Mel says:
    “…According to IMDB:…”

    I forgot about that. Maybe I’ll go watch the trailers and see which resonates with me. It’s been a rough day.


  446.  #446tinque on July 9, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    I would think Lucy that if you have reached this place of indifference or peace inside around this person, you would also have set boundaries. This person wouldn’t be around to trash your house or steal your money because he would no longer be a part of your life.

    You are asking a lot of “what if” questions which do not serve you. Again I’m back to the moment by moment thing.

    Yet I will do my best to answer this.

    I’m thinking of a recent episode for me where my ex popped up out of seemingly nowhere to cyber stalk me and harass me on my blog. Yes I felt angry. But I have to say I felt more anger at myself for him still having any kind of hold on me at all.

    When it comes down to it, it only matters how I feel about me and my relationship with K. It doesn’t matter at all what the ex thinks or has taken away from those recent encounters. I couldn’t change his thinking anyway.

    I made the mistake of answering just once and only because I thought he needs to know that one of my cats of whom he was very fond had passed several months prior.

    How I handled from there was to ignore him, quietly delete his comments until I realized I could mark his correspondence as well as his blog comments as spam. He quickly tired of this and has not been heard from since.

    I suppose what I’m saying is that it would be unrealistic to be zen about bad behavior each and every time, yet you can still do your best to express your feelings, feel compassion for the pain this person must be so heavily burdened with, and move on.


  447.  #447Lucy on July 9, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    Thanks, Tinque, your example with your ex helps me understand what you’re saying. Very much so.

    The problem with boundaries in my situation is that we have kids that live with me in a house that he and I co-own. :/ If not for that, I would just not interact with him. But they’re his kids and his house just as much as they are mine. Ihh. Tough one.

    I appreciate your help. I feel clearer now… not 100% but much better than I did. 🙂 <3

  448.  #448Emerson on July 9, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    443 SLV I just discovered Meetup…haven’t attended anything yet but I’m excited to in the future! I never knew about this concept until recently! Such a cool thing…I am excited to find some new friends hopefully… 🙂

  449.  #449Emerson on July 9, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    ugh…i’ve been having a rough day.
    feel sad and alone
    Why do I have bad dreams every morning when I’m waking up! ?

    I hate it.

  450.  #450cedeepra on July 9, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    Emerson bad dreams are not necessarily prophetic, usually it just means you feel apphrehensive about the future based on the past and feeling alone. But not to worry, your past is “passed” and your future is not here yet, so pick at least one thing today that will make tomorrow a little better. Use the “gift” or present to create a better future. The “little betters” will build up gradually.

    You won’t be alone forever, it is just temporary.

  451.  #451alias girl on July 9, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    aha moment. the reason i am constantly adjusting what men are offering to me and making it “not enough” is because i want to CONTROL things so i can feel more comfortable.

    if he offers a last minute date, i want a formal one. if he offers formal, i wonder why he can’t just relax. if he wants to go here i want to go there. (this is all in my mind, not expressed to the poor man)

    tha sh*t is not real though. it is me trying to CONTROL the situation because i feel terrified.

    if he wants to come near me, i want him to go away. if he goes away i want him to come back.

    🙁 omfg.

  452.  #452Emerson on July 9, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    449 Thank you cedeepra.

  453.  #453alias girl on July 9, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    i feel SO much more compassion for men (and myself) than ever before.

    esp any man that has ever attempted to date me.


  454.  #454Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 8:36 pm


    I feel inspired to share this with you in light of our conversation yesterday.

    My beloved said to me today “the thing I love most about you that those girls* don’t offer is that you inspire me to expand and be a better person.

    *talking about his ex and this friend of hers that always flirts with him


  455.  #455Laughing Goddess on July 9, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    There is so much that I feel inspired to respond to here yet my body and soul are begging for sleep.

    I’m going to lay down and watch an episode of The Office on netflix and then take a nap.

    I’m feeling very loving towards all of you right now.

  456.  #456Lilybelle on July 9, 2011 at 9:08 pm


    I was told not too terrible long ago that I made *him* want to be a better person.

    It was one of the greatest compliments I have ever been given. I desire that again.

    Is that how you felt, LG??

    Hugs. OH and I always feel mad love for you. 🙂

  457.  #457Emerson on July 9, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    450 @ alias girl

    I laughed after reading this post, not because it’s supposed to be funny, but you expressed how I feel almost to a tee…and it just made me chuckle.

    I think I’m overly critical and controlling at times.
    I feel curious about this part of myself.

  458.  #458T-Girl on July 9, 2011 at 11:34 pm

    447 Emerson

    I love Meetup. It is how I met poker player. 🙂

  459.  #459Dorothea on July 10, 2011 at 12:07 am

    Alias girl, everything is all good

  460.  #460Dorothea on July 10, 2011 at 12:09 am

    I miss my guy:(

    I ran into one of his friends at the bar tonight. he was acting a little funny. I felt like there was some secret about me that I didn’t know. Oh well. I was on my way out though so I kept it short and left.

    I miss my guy though:( wish he was here to hold me as I drift off to sleep.

    But really, he would fall asleep in 20 seconds and I would just feel pissed, lol.

    sigh. i hate this.

    i will feel better in the morning.

  461.  #461Ella on July 10, 2011 at 3:40 am


    No I didn’t take it that you were giving any advice, and I LOVE Siren input anyway.

    When I said I can hash out my issues myself I meant that I don’t need to do them in a relatinship with a mna…

    🙂 xxx

  462.  #462Ella on July 10, 2011 at 3:42 am

    Alias Girl re 450,

    Me too, lol. xx

  463.  #463Plum on July 10, 2011 at 3:59 am

    From Rori

    “Here’s a letter from Jane:

    *Rori, My marriage is dead.
    I am sad to say I don’t even know if I want to try and revive it.
    It seems impossible.
    I have changed so much after 19 years and I am a completely different woman and I feel I have outgrown him.
    We have 3 kids and that’s what keeps me here.
    I don’t have a job or a degree either and so I feel trapped. Jane*

    And here’s my answer:
    Basically – you’ve answered your own question.”

  464.  #464Plum on July 10, 2011 at 4:00 am


    “First – Getting a part time job, or working towards a degree or some training for a job or business you would like (you can do it online or in the evenings) is the steps that will make you feel the best.
    Once you are no longer so dependent on your husband and have something outside the home you’re interested in – things will change for you.

    This is basic “Purpose on the Planet” (from my friend Phyllis Chase, on my Commitment Blueprint program) exploration for you to do. 
    This is my *Out The Window* Tool.

    It’s absolutely essential to have your own life, your own happiness, before you can connect or reconnect with another person.”

  465.  #465Plum on July 10, 2011 at 4:00 am


    “It builds your confidence. 
    It makes you feel grounded. 
    It changes your *vibe* hugely and quickly.

    Being focused on your children isn’t enough
    (I know – I fell into that one myself – which is why I found myself up all night nearly every night writing my novels. 
    I had a *calling* – and so do YOU). 
    This is about you’re exploring what it is you love to do, what makes you feel good inside, and then DOING that thing and discovering how to do it, and the pure sheer enjoyment of it.

    And as you enjoy what you’re doing (and yes – this is in a Masculine *doing* sense) you’ll start to feel successful in your life – and – something happens then. 
    You start to become successful out in the world!

    This is where you find WORK that has to do with what you feel GOOD at, and what you enjoy.”

  466.  #466Plum on July 10, 2011 at 4:00 am


    “My husband is a business coach for entrepreneurs, and I know from watching him and following his work and teleclasses that ALL of us so easily pigeon-hole ourselves. 
    We are almost WIRED to be STUCK.  Stuck in all kinds of ways.

    We find it hard to MOVE.  We find it hard to get out of our comfort zones, even though those comfort zones are all about PAIN.

    My Tools are baby-steps to get you moving out of that comfort zone slowly, and then as quickly as you can – so you’re leaping out of it and discovering some real joy in that.

    My husband’s clients instinctively don’t want to *do the work* required to become successful – and that’s why he coaches – his job is to light a fire under a business *wanna-be* and hold their hand and take them through the process of getting a good job that pleases them or starting a business that actually makes money.”

  467.  #467Plum on July 10, 2011 at 4:01 am


    “if you feel unsuccessful at that – if you have no means of supporting yourself, it so totally damages your self-esteem, that all we feel towards a man who’s supporting us financially but not giving us what we need emotionally is RESENTMENT – right along with feeling grateful.
    And that’s just a majorly horrific combo: resentment/gratefulness.

    In an atmosphere of resentment (that we desperately try to balance by tuning into our gratefulness) – we completely BLOCK all emotional connection. 
    We just can’t break through the wall of fear we put up for ourselves – that even an honest CONVERSATION with a man could lead to disaster.”

  468.  #468Plum on July 10, 2011 at 4:01 am


    “People would rather cheat on their spouses than truthfully talk about what’s going on in the marriage.

    That really shows you where the fear is. 
    Even the most brave of us – where love and security is concerned – would often rather lie than take a chance with the truth.

    And the lie destroys our sense of well-being.

    Jane – you’re living a lie, and that’s making you feel horrible.

    Whether you’ve actually *outgrown* your husband is not even the point, here.
    Sometimes, I think I’m more *evolved* than my husband. 
    And then we sit down and have a deep conversation about a difficult issue – and I’m just so amazed at the depth of his insight and willingness to participate  that I fall in love all over again.
    It’s sort of – I have my specialties. 
    But I have my weaknesses, too – the comfort zones where I’d rather hang out and be *judgmental* of everyone else because I’m afraid to feel what I feel or to express what i feel.

    And I can tell you honestly, that if I use the right, truthful words, and I really speak what I FEEL instead of what I *think* – amazing things happen.”

  469.  #469Plum on July 10, 2011 at 4:01 am


    “Often, we have a wall up with a person without even knowing we have a wall up with that person (I know this is true for me) – and when we sink into our own feelings and then speak from there – that wall comes down, and we discover we actually DO have a connection with that person.

    You are still there, in that marriage – for some reason.
    You are being kept there by not having found work that pleases you and pays you, or going to school, or taking some kind of classes to get a degree or real information that would HELP you find work that pleases you.
    Perhaps you are there until you can find that work that pleases you.”

  470.  #470Plum on July 10, 2011 at 4:02 am


    “Perhaps you are there until you can break through that wall of judgment and disconnection and FEEL again.
    Perhaps you are there until you can FEEL, and then SPEAK your feelings.
    Perhaps you are there until the energy shifts enough for you to be able to physically touch him in a connected way, and for him to feel invited to touch you.

    Once you’ve worked with these ideas, you’ll have a whole NEW set of options. 
    You won’t feel so trapped and stuck.

    You can CHOOSE this marriage or choose another option.

    Often, we stop feeling.
    We stop feeling, and we stop talking.
    And we stop touching.
    And we just don’t know how to start again.
    We fall off our horse and don’t have the energy or the will to climb back on. 
    So we just stand there.
    We walk in circles, day in and day out.
    We feel paralyzed, and then we feel comfortable feeling paralyzed.
    Everything comes to a standstill.

    The Tools and ideas here are a start for you to put some grease in the moving parts of your life, and some juice in the engine.”

  471.  #471Plum on July 10, 2011 at 4:02 am

    09 and last

    “Your horse is there.  Waiting patiently, stirrups ready.

    The landscape is new and uncharted before you. Go.

    Let me know how this works for you, Love, Rori”

    written by Rori Raye 
    Monday, 13 April 2009 @ 12:26pm

  472.  #472Ella on July 10, 2011 at 4:02 am

    Hey Ladies,

    I am feeling a bit more Siren-esq today.

    I am considering just accepting the clubbing invitin without even contacting J at all.

    So that would look like just accepting the invite form the girl ad showing up on the night to have a fun night.

    I might ask her if I can go and meet up with her first so that I don’t hve to show up to the group on my own.

    Think I am going to do it.

  473.  #473Daria on July 10, 2011 at 6:16 am

    Spent time w hawkman – am noticing patterns and behaviors and fears on my part, all familiar

    Am noticing how it feeling good triggers me to worry that it’s Gina go bad

    Told him I wanted to see him everyday

    Goodnite Feelin sleepy

  474.  #474Lily T. on July 10, 2011 at 6:21 am

    Sounds good to me Ella.

  475.  #475Lilybelle on July 10, 2011 at 7:49 am


    Remember that CD about a month ago who told me that I was unattractive but he was trying to be “open”.

    I JUST received a message from him asking my how I’m doing.

    Really???? Thoughts for a response, Sirens?

  476.  #476Plum on July 10, 2011 at 7:58 am


    “”I am doing great, thank you, enjoying dating, basking in the gentlemen’s compliments.
    I love the world, full of young generous self assured handsome men.. “”


  477.  #477Brenda on July 10, 2011 at 7:58 am

    Hi Lilybelle,

    I think I would say, “I feel turned off after being told I was unattractive.”

  478.  #478Lilybelle on July 10, 2011 at 8:07 am


    LOVE it!

    I’ll try it.

    Brenda, I’d like to tell him what I REALLY think. 🙂

    I continue to be surprised…

  479.  #479Brenda on July 10, 2011 at 8:17 am

    It feels good to be back here…the internet is finally fixed. I have been CDing my little heart out, sorta. Or let me say that there is a man at my church with whom I’ve been getting acquainted for months, and Friday I think I became aware that he is attracted to me!

    It’s hard to know even still…I don’t make assumptions, because most of the single men in my church are young enough to be my sons! But this one just found out Friday night, at a dinner at someone’s house, that I’m 47. He seemed really surprised, saying he thought I was MUCH younger. 🙂 He talked with me for about 45 min, then came back and chatted with me another half hour or so, after he knew my age…so I asked him his age. He’s 32, the same age as Ryan.

    And I think a 15 year difference is very doable, and now I feel flattered. And I would date him in a heartbeat! He’s very sweet, kind, spiritual, all that. Not real good looking, but that is no longer an issue to me. What’s in the heart, mind, and spirit matter to me most.

    After our two long conversations, I saw him looking at me from across the circle of people in the living room several times. Even if he is only interested in friendship, that’s all right, too. But I think he’s interested in me romantically. I’ll call him Change, because I need a change from the men I’ve been dwelling on too much…

    New Jersey wrote me a long email late last night in response to me giving him feeling messages yesterday about not wanting a phone-only relationship. When I said it to him on the phone, adding, “I wonder if you just want to let it go,” he said, “No, no, no, no, that’s not where I’m at at all! It’s not about you – you’re the most decent person I’ve met in a long time. I just don’t have any money. I don’t have the gas to travel (he lives 2 hours away).”

    His email was very lengthy, saying part of his recovery from alcoholism (he’s been clean about 4 years) is making new friends. He was trying to find male friends, but they were mostly gay, so he posted to find a woman friend. He doesn’t think either of us is ready for a relationship because we need to get our lives in order (we are both unemployed).

    Two weeks ago, he said sometime in the next two weeks we will take a trip to the shore. Then he dropped it, and I felt disappointed. In this email, he said he is cashing in another one of his savings bonds just so he can go to the shore, and he invited me to go with him.

    So I guess he’s stepping up! He said right now he just wants to be friends, and I feel good about that, because that’s really all I want, too. I want to circular date, but I already know this man isn’t marriage material – our beliefs are too different (he is Catholic).

    Last night I was at a party with some friends I’ve known for 3 years, and my friend’s fiance was blatantly flirting with me! And my friend was oblivious to it. It was unmistakeable when he came around the corner, where I was getting ice, and he put out his arms to give me a big hug.

    I feel a little bad admitting this, but I just walked right into his hug, because I’m so starved for affection. He squeezed me close and then said, “Aah, I needed that!” I said, “Me, too.” I looked at the situation objectively when I left and realized I can’t let anything like that happen again. I can’t let my chronic loneliness allow me to be disloyal to my friend. My loneliness has always gotten me in trouble.

  480.  #480Dorothea on July 10, 2011 at 8:42 am

    I had bad dreams all night about my guy and my last guy.

    i guess i don’t feel better in the morning. oh well.

  481.  #481Lilybelle on July 10, 2011 at 8:44 am


    15 years is so doable. This is something I have been working on opening up to. I guess, I was concerned with what “other people” might think if I was to enter a relationship with a younger man. I finally got it.

    Doesn’t matter to me what “other people” (family mostly) think. It matters to me about how I FEEL with *him*. So, now, I am totally open to it! I have always dated younger, just not by so much.

    It feels good to be open to all sorts of yummy men.

  482.  #482Dorothea on July 10, 2011 at 8:49 am

    I should re-do my POF profile and make my headline “desperate for attention”


  483.  #483Luzydel on July 10, 2011 at 9:27 am

    I cannot help feeling something today…Nostalgic, sad, disappointed?

    I cannot believe how many men are toxic, Well people are toxic…I went on a date last wednesday ( a first on since february) and the guy seem to be well… complicated. I enjoyed his inteligence and that we had a decent conversation, we agreed on meeting again and he said he will call me…he has not yet. But some times over txt or IM he starts picking on me…
    Like he makes assumptions about me because I am a woman and woman usually behave in certain way.

    I feel turned off, but then again when I was using the drug of drama, I was like that. Now I understand why it was so easy to get involved with someone before…I was also toxic, and now that I am in relationship Rehab and recovery i do not feel like getting involved with people who strive for drama and complications.

    I cannot help feeling alone, I want to meet him. That man that is on the same page as me. I do not want to be saved or save anyone. I feel nostalgic, because I do not know if I will find that ‘healthy’ relationship.

  484.  #484Dorothea on July 10, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Okay so I am doing this POF thing and I have no problems with leaning forward. You lean forward one time and then they take it from there.
    What’s the big deal?

  485.  #485Dorothea on July 10, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Hugs Luzydel
    I feel u there!

  486.  #486Dorothea on July 10, 2011 at 9:40 am

    I love my little online support system, between this blog and facebook.

    I wonder what life would be like 30 years ago, without it?

  487.  #487Emerson on July 10, 2011 at 9:50 am

    474 Lillybelle
    No, I didn’t know someone told you that you were unattractive. Wha??? That is so RUDE
    What a jerk.

    My evil, vengeful side wants you to tell him that you’re not interested because you don’t want to force yourself to date ugly men….ugly on the inside ESPECIALLY.


    Sorry I know that’s a toxic reply, but he deserves it. Who tells a woman, ANY woman, that she’s not attractive? I mean, really??