Is Your Fear of Being Weak Pushing Love Away

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Letting your fear of being “weak” run you is the fastest way to become “weak.”

We’re talking about vulnerability here.

We’re talking about letting ’em see you shake.

We’re talking about not feeling up to the task, to feeling overwhelmed, to wanting to throw in the towel.  We’re talking about feeling lost.

When we can’t go there – when we can’t fall apart in front of a man – then we start to fall apart in other ways.

We start to stuff feelings, we get “dramatic” – and instead of allowing the lost feeling, and the overwhelm feeling, and the shaking to just move through us, we actually become more lost, more overwhelmed, and shakier.

It’s really important that we know the difference between experiencing our feelings, even the “bad” ones, and actually dwelling on them.

There is a big difference between sinking into our feelings, and focusing on them.

Think of it this way: feelings, like thoughts, come and go. We’re constantly being triggered in every way imaginable. Colors, sounds, music, the weather, objects we see, energy we pick up from other people — all impact us one way or another. And this is happening constantly. All day long. Every day. The expression on someone’s face can trigger us, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with us.

So try this:

1. If you’re feeling confused or lost or “weak,” sit down.

Just sit down on the floor. Put your hands on your heart, and say “I’m feeling… (confused, overwhelmed, lost…).”

Just for this exercise, don’t try to Riff this out. Just sit.

2. Now imagine your heart in your body opening up opening up opening up as big as the sky.

Turning into blue sky with fluffy white clouds. Turning into endless blue sky.

Imagine yourself breathing into this infinite space. Breathe into this infinite space. Allow yourself to expand into this infinite blue sky.

3.Now imagine a beautiful flower floating in this infinite, blue sky.

Choose the first flower that comes to mind — a sunflower, a daisy, a rose with no thorns, a wildflower.

Wrap your hand around the stem of this flower. The flower is your rudder. The flower is your steering wheel. The flower is your connection to the earth. Now, let yourself float in this infinite blue sky holding on to your flower knowing that you were solid, and that you can fly anywhere without getting lost.

4. Now get up off the floor, and let yourself wobble on your feet.

5. As you straighten yourself out, laugh.

Just make it a silly ha ha Haw Hee hee hee… . It doesn’t have to be real. Just how ha ha, as you stand up.

6. Now move right on to something fun. If you can’t quickly come up with something from your channeling list, just move somewhere — anywhere. Go investigate something. Check out a book, get a drink of water, walk down the hallway, walk outside for a minute… anything.

The idea here is for you to experience just how quickly thoughts and feelings can morph — how they can change. And how easily this can happen.

When you get how quickly and easily things can shift, it will be easier for you to go into and move through a feeling instead of getting stuck inside it. And this will make it so much easier for you to experience that feeling in the presence of a man.

And as you learn to experience these temporary moments of feeling weak and moving through them in the presence of a man, you will start to feel stronger.

And what’s really, really cool is that HE will notice. He will pick up that you are stronger. On the inside. and he’ll want to stay closer to you.

Try this, and let me know how it works for you.

Love, Rori

Posted in

190 Comments

  1.  #1Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Answer to the title of the post….YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

    I HATE feeling weak!



  2.  #2Simply Shannon on May 7, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    This for me is learning to say no. I feel so afraid of coming off mean or making someone angry that I turn into this shrinking violet. My voice even gets quiet and shaky.

    Experiment for this week is just saying no a little more often.



  3.  #3Terry on May 7, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    I feel so behind on these threads. Between my work schedule and my mom being sick, I don’t get to come here often. I feel bad and disconnected.

    I just happened to check in and read this article. I really like it and the timing of it is impeccable. But Rori, I still feel confused about something. I don’t understand the difference between shifting feelings and ignoring them altogether.

    Whenever I try to shift them, they seem to resurface again later. Maybe I’m not “sinking” into them enough? Thanks!



  4.  #4Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    Rori, this post is EXACTLY what I needed today. Thank you so much. I think I’ve been feeling overwhelmed at learning how to “feel” and riff and all the new tools and try to balance them with all the boy energy work I need to do lately too. Finding feelings and feeling feelings should not be work, but lately I guess I’ve just been over loading myself.



  5.  #5Apple Jacks on May 7, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    Terry, I feel you on your statement when you said you feel so behind on these threads. Join the club, lol.



  6.  #6Lucy on May 7, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    “I don’t understand the difference between shifting feelings and ignoring them altogether. Whenever I try to shift them, they seem to resurface again later”

    Terry, I let the feelings shift by themselves, rather than me shifting the feelings. Otherwise I am just sedating or controlling the feelings by doing something else, and then, yes, they resurface when I am not distracted any more.



  7.  #7kismet on May 7, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    I feel so weak and insecure and bad.

    I grabbed my boyfriend’s phone accidentally and read his text. I saw he asked a girl he was inviting for my birthday about a nightclub and saying he’ll call her for more info about it.

    The past few days he has been so crabby and mean to me when we go somewhere, that I felt something might be wrong, although he said he was crabby because he’s hungry. When we were at the club, he said I can dance with anyone, any guy I want. He said he needs to go to the bar to drink away his problems so when I saw his text that night asking her about the club, I was so scared for myself and my future because of the baby in my stomach.

    I’m tired of asking him about his texts to girls and him saying sorry and making me in the wrong. I was tired of feeling insecure and seeming insecure. I felt I would not get the truth from him. It drove me to do something I would never do but only once in this situation of mine. I texted her about it with no animosity. She clarified it and put in good words of how he always talk about me to her. I thanked her for being honest and apologized for intruding. She said she knows where I’m coming from.

    I asked him later about the text and it was the same. She wanted to know about other clubs other than the one we work at. And she confused him so he called her. I felt I needed to be honest so I told him about what I did, even though I knew he’d be mad. I don’t know where we will go from here. I don’t know how much explaining I have to do. I apologized and admitted being wrong, and confessed my fear and safety.

    How do I handle this situation? Let him be mad, lean back until he talks to me again?



  8.  #8kismet on May 7, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    Is saying things like, “If you’re mad, I understand and if you don’t want to talk to me for awhile it’s ok” too doormat-ish?



  9.  #9kismet on May 7, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    I felt something was wrong today when he told me my personality is kind of dull and that “plus you have something, I forgot what it’s called” (he was referring to my health condition I had in the past which I believe is gone now with the work I’ve done on myself. Then he said, “I’m tired of dating pyscho [input my ethnicity] girls.” It offended me. I couldn’t tell if he was going to bring up breaking up or not. =(

    I said, “Do you have a problem with it?” Knowing that I am not bound by my past health condition and I don’t care. If he’s not comfortable with it, so be it. He said no. And said he also has something else, which he told me when we first met.



  10.  #10Daria on May 7, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    Kismet – I would re-read the post Rori wrote above, about a woman checking a man’s phone.

    Now, I realize you feel a HUGE amount of pressure. But texting random people from him phone (although I’ve seen it happen a lot and been the receiving end of such texts/calls more than 10 times im sure)

    is DISRESPECTFUL TO HIM. It’s not something you want in your relationship. Neither is the (OUCH! I FEEL FURIOUS) comment about “the psycho..your ethnicity… girls”

    So. I would want to CLEARLY APOLOGIZE TO HIM.

    And COMMIT TO MYSELF that I would do THE VERY BEST for ME and the RELATIONSHIP. That means

    1. Respecting the 4 rules about him

    2. Strongly and in the spot REJECTING anything that feels bad (like a comment about the psycho). I would say. “OH. I FEEL AWFUL. That feels horrible and I DO NOT want to be talked to this way.” and even LEAVE the room in that moment.
    (Here again its VERY VERY important NOT to attack him)

    3. Do tools for my pleasure and growth.

    As to what to do now… If you’ve already apologized, check with yourself to see if you OPENED YOUR HEART and sincerely did so (this tool has been INVALUABLE for me lately – i feel DIFFERENT when I open my heart than my initial recation).

    If you did so, then sink into your feelings, of fear, guilt, even feeling glad, and relieved.

    And TRUST IN YOURSELF and your commitment to you and the relationship.



  11.  #11kismet on May 7, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    Thanks Daria.
    Now that I think about it, I know how disrespectful it is in the first place, and then accepting someone else’s version of truth and explanation before his. How clear is clear? I said I’m sorry and I mean it and admitted my mistake. But I don’t want to go so far as to be a doormat or defensive with my explanations. Does explaining mean I’m not fully apologizing?

    As to the dull personality, I’m giddy and fun with certain people. But lately, its just been me and him and spending too much time together that I start to lose a sense of how I was. So yea, I do need to start doing things for me again.

    This relationship stuff is still new to me. My ex was a flirty cheating type of guy and I didn’t listen to close people to me that he was not worth it when he did not respect my boundaries. All the guys that have pursued me have shown that they really like me, until I decide to give it a chance and they leave.

    I think I may have a fear of trusting guys, and believing that a guy would be committed and faithful because I’ve been used to the other kinds. Because of that fear, I check his cell sometimes, I realized. And I don’t know, but when I did that, I reasoned to myself that because in his past relationship, he has drove his ex’s guy friends away from her, then its fine for me to do this. That because other guys have told a girl’s ex or whoever to lay off, that I am not doing something so wrong bc I’m only asking what happened for my safety and boundary.

    I’m just sitting here listening to “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz and thinking/knowing I have to allow him in and trust him, and not hold parts of myself back even though I’m scared and not used to this (I guess I’m holding back being comfortable enough to be loud and hyper and giddy around him).



  12.  #12kismet on May 7, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    So I went to an old post on Power and Self Esteem.

    “The mirror shows you where you are, the mistake shows you where you’ve been, and the message invites you to go where you want to be.” -Rori

    The mirror: I’m scared to trust, don’t believe love is possible for me

    The mistake: having been hurt by guys in the past, having had my self-esteem torn down by media and people (my sister) when it comes to relationships

    The message: I would like to let love in and not
    doubt myself or others

    I am not jealous, just scared inside, scared to open up. I see that pattern even in making friends and that’s why it’s hard for me to be close to people. But now I know the root of my problem =)



  13.  #13Daria on May 7, 2010 at 11:06 pm

    Here is an article in the “news” on MEN and them using THEIR OWN DATING TIPS that DOES NOT feel weird.

    I Feel very happy reading this article:

    http://www.asylum.com/2010/05/07/real-social-dynamics-pickup-boot-camp-natural-game/?icid=main|aim|dl4|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.asylum.com%2F2010%2F05%2F07%2Freal-social-dynamics-pickup-boot-camp-natural-game%2F



  14.  #14Siena on May 7, 2010 at 11:17 pm

    So I just got bank from my date with a new CD. He’s definitely higher quality than the others I’ve been out with in the past few months. He reminds me a lot if my older brother, which might end up feeling creepy. I heard no message or saw no mirror, and I’ll probably go out with him again. He’s nice enough, but I feel kinda numb!

    Oh wait, no! I feel angry! I shouldn’t have to to this. I’m feeling really tired of this CDing. I don’t want to stop until my guy shows up with a plan for happily ever after, but he’s just so slow!

    And those damn trains that are reminders of The Man that I hear all through the night!! I hear them now, and my thoughts inevitably return to him! Like Pavlov’s dog. Maybe I should move.

    Okay, I’m gonna say something taboo. I desire to meet The Man again and have him take me out as a Siren. I can’t help thinking if things would be different if he could see me now. I desire to date him like I’ve been dating these other men and discover if I feel differently with my new Siren tools and viewpoint.



  15.  #15Daria on May 7, 2010 at 11:33 pm

    Siena – woo hoo CD.

    I got a call today from a man i gave my number to online.

    The MAGNET tool in the e-letter WORKED. men suddenly started showing up and i felt great.

    then i had phone sex!!! phone sex in the middle of the day with my mom in the other room!!! with this BRAND NEW phone man

    lol!

    i feel amused.

    also i lied to him about having an orgasm

    i feel amused

    it would feel nice to actually have had one,

    i’ve never really had an orgasm during phone sex

    i plan on telling him i didn’t have one really lol

    i’ve talked to guys about orgasms and they’re all like

    ohh i could so help you… yes i can help u have a squirting orgasm, ive actually been squirted ON before, and you have to have a few orgasms first,.,etc

    i feel jealous of these women they’re having sex with that are having all these multiple orgasms

    i want that

    thank you

    i also want a man that ifeel comfortable experimenting and sharing what i want that will be down and patient with me



  16.  #16Daria on May 7, 2010 at 11:34 pm

    Yay SIENA for higher quality! perhaps that is the message! the quality is going up!

    Siena, Rori says that a man feels your vibe “magically” and he will show up when you are sirening, so you don’t have to seek him out and “show him”

    that is quite a lean forward thingy

    however, it might be a great learning experiment



  17.  #17mary on May 8, 2010 at 12:44 am

    hmmmm…

    i know i saw it somewhere… but what were those 4 rules again?



  18.  #18mary on May 8, 2010 at 12:47 am

    so man with the HOME IN THE WOODS was fun tonight. it went very well! he didn’t get into my space and didn’t ask too many questions. just cooked out. ate. talked. listened to the crickets. very nice.

    AND…

    ISLAND MAN finally called at 7 o’clock (unacceptable) about tomorrow, and said he’d call tomorrow. he thinks he’s still coming!



  19.  #19mary on May 8, 2010 at 12:54 am

    i’m finding a huge difference in the dating patterns of men in the pacific northwest of canada, and dallas, texas.

    although i never really dated much in dallas.

    men here in canada will actually ask me on a date and then ask ME what time i want to meet and where i’d like to go.

    i find that so disconcerting.

    i don’t like it at all.

    i don’t even know what to say half the time!

    most of the time i say “i’d love it if you figured out the place and time.” then they respond with, “well, how about this place? how about that time?” like they’re never sure.

    i don’t know if it’s the culture these days, or if it’s the culture here, or if it’s the way i’m interpreting it, or what.

    R used to just tell me when he’d pick me up and what to wear. then he’d pick me up and everything was always a surprise.

    wow. i really loved that.

    i just want a man with a plan.

    too much to ask?

    i don’t know.

    this is ALL new to me.



  20.  #20mary on May 8, 2010 at 1:04 am

    i wish R had been able to carry off a marriage with me. we talked so much about getting married. he just got so freaked out and scared.

    i read a book called “Men Who Can’t Love” about commitment phobic men, and there were lots of stories. they were all my story with R. every one. apparently the commitment phobes get so weirded out when things get close that they pull away. all of their instincts tell them to run. they become almost afraid for their lives and many actually experience things like shortness of breath, pounding hearts, sweating, etc.

    i must alter the things i tell myself. i keep saying “i miss R! i miss R!”

    but do i really? do i miss the withdrawal from me? the rejection of my affection? the little jibs and jibes and distancing maneuvers?

    no.

    i don’t miss those!

    i don’t miss seeing him turn his back to me.

    i don’t miss feeling him slipping away.

    i don’t miss the longing for him.

    so…

    i don’t miss him.

    because all those things came with him!

    i’d just like a man with a plan, and i get all sidetracked thinking about R! when what i need is someone altogether different.

    a different man with a different plan!

    that’s what i WANT! (because i don’t NEED a man at all!)

    and i’m really starting to feel that way.

    so hooraaaaaaaay!

    this is progress.



  21.  #21tallgirl10 on May 8, 2010 at 8:32 am

    so last night I had a date with a person who was in my life several months ago, which ended not very. I ran into him at a party and he was more attentive than usual and followed up and asked me out.

    I am feeling frustrated, anxious and confused.

    We stopped dating because he was clearly ambivalent about me and I want a relationship with someone who is not of two minds.

    This time I resolved my rules about not obsessing about what he does and how that has nothing to do with me, and to not beat myself up about the things I have done or said (I am an overanalyzer).

    So last night I tried more leaning back, and to the side (we had dinner and then drinks where we were sitting next to each other). We had a nice time, and I intermingled the leaning back with my normal introverted selves.

    I learned that when I lean back, he definitely would at some times lean in. We had good banter, which is why I enjoy my time with him. On his I-phone we shared photos and stories, which was fun.

    I looked amazing, and while I was appreciative, at the end I did not get a chance to say my normal thanks again. So he drove me home, and as soon as we pulled into the driveway, he turned his body language in to be able to get a smootch. I said thanks and then we kissed for about two minutes. It was kind of a blur. Then when I got out of the car he said a casual “See Ya” as I said goodnight. I hate the end of dates, they are always so darn awkward!

    What the heck – “See ya?????” When we dated last time he never once told me at the end of the date that he wanted to see me again, but this seemed like a total blow off! Am I reading way too much into it????

    I don’t plan on overfunctioning, as in calling or contacting him, and when we dated before I never knew when I would hear from him again, but this made me feel really shocked, angry and hurt.

    I can’t tell if he just feels comfortable with me. I guess if he was really never going to call again he could have also just said goodnight as well.

    Thoughts??? Help!!!!



  22.  #22Turtle Girl on May 8, 2010 at 8:37 am

    Mary-

    I can so relate to your last two posts. #19 and 20.
    I am also from the South and wow-the men up here in the Pacific NW are sooooooo passive in comparison.

    The think women should also call them too. They are you what you want to do. When you say you would love it if they got the plan, they are like deer in headlights. It’s weird. I wonder if it is the times, the ramifications of the feminist movement from the sixties, the estrogens, all of that. Or do men in Texas still act like men? I don’t know. Have not been down south for many years. But it is maddening. I have had to learn that they think that they are being considerate of the woman’s wishes by being this way. That’s what my guy friends tell me.

    As far as your man “R” -aw honey you really don’t want to be married to a man like that. It would be hell. In marraige those guys just get worse-treatment of you gets really bad and you would never be happy. I had one of those and he is gone and now that I am dating other men who want relationships-it’s a whole other ballgame. I had to look at my own commitment issues. It wasn’t the men-it was me. Not saying they weren’t CP-they were-but so was I and lying to myself. Wake up call.
    Do I want to grow old all by myself? No.



  23.  #23Terry on May 8, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Thank, Lucy! That makes a lot of sense. I really have been trying to stay in the moment with what I’m feeling at all times. I still make mistakes, but I am doing so much better now. I know it takes time for these tools to feel natural, so I’m trying to be kinder and easier on myself. : ) Thanks for responding!



  24.  #24Apple Jacks on May 8, 2010 at 8:41 am

    Hey Mary, I live in Dallas, Tx right now. Have not really been heavily into the dating scene here yet either. Kinda nervous about it, actually….that’s silly I know but that’s how I feel.



  25.  #25Siena on May 8, 2010 at 9:02 am

    Hi Tallgirl,

    He was just probably happy to get a kiss, and probably punched himself later for not asking you out again. I wouldn’t worry about it at all, just be grateful for the good night, and CD!

    Thanks Daria! I don’t feel good leaning forward with The Man at all, so I’m just gonna keep doing what I’m doing until he shows up. I also want to meet someone offline too – like in the grocery or something. Online feels too easy, I’m feeling ready for a Siren challenge!



  26.  #26mary on May 8, 2010 at 9:04 am

    mmmmmmmm… turtle girl.

    the follow-up book is He’s Scared She’s Scared, and it goes into the kind of person who would choose a commitment phobic for a relationship.

    a commitment phobic.

    so i must have issues.

    i’m a middle child, and i think i just like space. not to be completely suffocated and not to be overpowered.

    i’m finally feeling the negatively charged ions of my own space! and learning what i need, what i like, what i want and how to plan! it’s amazing that i’ve gotten this far in life and not learned these things! i’ve basically been very dependent.

    so in a way, these passive men are allowing me to be more Mary than ever before. it’s just frustrating to lean back when they’re leaning back because nothing happens.

    there’s a guy who seriously wants to go out with me (he says he’s counting the days) and he’s insisting that i call him! i’m not going to. i find that it makes me not want to.

    it’s like stalemate.

    oh! for the scenery and weather here, and the people in texas!



  27.  #27mary on May 8, 2010 at 9:09 am

    hello tall girl,

    wow. how frustrating to not know the mind of this guy! when that happens, it seems to me that the only thing to do is take him at face value.

    “see ya” might really mean he’s gonna see ya because he had a fun time with you, you looked amazing, you were attentive but not demanding, and he wanted to kiss you!

    sounds good to me!

    and if you kept going out with others and got focused on your own life, he might fall down in your estimation to just one of the many. wouldn’t that be great! then you’d have your power back.

    this sounds to me like the start of something really wonderful! which is YOU being you and letting him be him, giving up on the results and just having fun with everyone!



  28.  #28mary on May 8, 2010 at 9:10 am

    ISLAND MAN today!



  29.  #29mary on May 8, 2010 at 9:14 am

    idea for today:

    contact 10 men on plenty of fish in austin, texas, where my daughter lives. maybe someone will want to live in both places.

    does anyone know what rori says about making the first contact on the Internet?

    it won’t work to move my profile there because i’d have to delete the guys who’ve chosen me for a favorite, and i wouldn’t want to do that without an explanation. the only way to get in touch with the austin, leaning-forward guys, is to contact them first!

    what do you think about that?



  30.  #30Siena on May 8, 2010 at 9:58 am

    Hi Mary,

    You could always try that as an experiment, and see how it goes. But you run the risk of shifting into pursuer mode if you do that.

    My date was telling me last night how online dating felt from a man’s perspective. He says he has all types of women contacting him first all the time. And he just kinda gave a shrug like he didn’t think anything of them. He said, “I guess it just works better when I pick for myself who I want to go out with.”



  31.  #31Lucy on May 8, 2010 at 10:02 am

    Interesting, Siena, I have been feeling that way too! (“I also want to meet someone offline too – like in the grocery or something. Online feels too easy, I’m feeling ready for a Siren challenge!”)

    And I noticed several attractive men outside while driving to and from my dance class this morning — which has never happened before.

    My big thing with CD is that I haven’t been finding any guys who I find physically attractive. Maybe in this area they are all out walking their dogs and walking to the cafe instead of cruising the online dating sites — imagine that!!!



  32.  #32Daria on May 8, 2010 at 10:10 am

    This dude is really acting like a jerk.

    I think.

    I feel so mad.

    Anway… theres also a thing…

    he wanted to come give me a kiss while i was working… I said i feel uncomfortable

    I Feel guilty about this because I’m wondering if it’s because I feel embarassed about him and the way he looks, while I’m being professional.

    So anyway he seems to have gotten mad

    I was ALREADY feeling bad imagining this scenario before…

    ugh I feel guilty for even having this concern

    and i do have it

    and it might not be 100% him, but also its a lot to do with my fear of being myself in a professional setting.

    gosh

    anyway hes acting like a jerk. fuck him.

    i dont need this bullshit, wake up in the morning to text drama

    fuck u

    I feel stuck here with this anger

    and i dont know if i want to text yell at him or what

    or do i just want to not answer

    i said i dont want to text anyway i dont like it

    UGH. WTF. I feel pist!!

    BUT THE GOOD THING IS I AM DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT.

    I took another test yesterday first thing in the morning and that has definitely been enough time now for me to get an accurate result

    so fuck him

    and

    the truth is i feel like having sex haha

    i want to replace this loser

    i feel so mad

    at him

    wow

    wow grrrrrrrrrf

    i love my anger



  33.  #33Lucy on May 8, 2010 at 10:10 am

    Mary, I was going to say too that it could be a fun experiment.

    Siena — ‘He said, “I guess it just works better when I pick for myself who I want to go out with.”’

    Hmmm, that’s how *I* feel, though! That it works better if I pick for myself who I want to go out with! It feels good to be the chooser. I haven’t done that in a long time though.

    I found in the past (college days) that making the first move didn’t necessarily shift me into pursuer mode. With three of my boyfriends, I made the first move and then they took over completely. I guess it depends.



  34.  #34mary on May 8, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Hmmm. Lucy and Sienna, thank you so much for this feedback.

    Oh!

    I know!

    I can just make a new profile!

    I didn’t even think of that… that’s the perfect answer. I’ll make an Austin profile and see what happens.

    Yes! I like it.

    A friend just told me that the guys I’m talking about are called SNAGs!

    sensitive new age guys

    Uuughhhhhh.

    I pass.

    Oh, Lucy. You know how I’ve been going out with just anyone? And even when I went out with all those Craigslist guys, sight unseen?

    I had a blast. I’m finding that the first five minutes is all that matters in the attractiveness category (and middle-aged guys are not extremely attractive), because after that, I’m just talking and getting to know them, and I find things that are attractive about them, and usually we’re deep into conversation.

    My coffee dates are running over in length. I need to shorten them, but the guys are talking, and getting animated, and it’s so fascinating that I can hardly tear myself away.

    Fun for me!

    It seems to me like everyone could have fun like this! It has nothing to do with looks at all, in my opinion.



  35.  #35Daria on May 8, 2010 at 10:34 am

    yay i did the exercise on this post and now i feel better!

    wooo hoo!

    apparently a LOT better!

    double woo hooo



  36.  #36Lucy on May 8, 2010 at 10:52 am

    An Austin profile — I love it!!!

    Maybe I will make a profile for a random city somewhere where I might want to live. Any suggestions??? Is this on pof, Mary? (cuz you’d have to pay for two accounts on match.com!)

    I feel absolutely fascinated about SNAGs! I never heard of that before! “Sensitive new age guys” sounds really good to me! I would consider TN man to be a sensitive new-age Christian guy. Haha, he’s a SNAC! Yum yum!

    I want more SNACS. Lots of yummy snacs. I open my arms to receive lots and lots of snacs, like those skittles commercials where skittles are falling out of the sky like rain and rivers of skittles are rushing by.

    🙂



  37.  #37Lucy on May 8, 2010 at 10:53 am

    Haha, what do you think would happen if I made my profile heading “Looking for a SNAC”? Lol.



  38.  #38Lucy on May 8, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Anyway, Mary, I appreciate what you’re saying there about the walks and whatnot. The reasons why it’s not so much fun for me are:

    1) every guy I go out with goes crazy for me, like mushy head-over-heels crazy, and it just feels weird, uncomfortable and smothering. Plus they want to kiss me and I don’t want to kiss them. Tattoo man is the only exception, and we have become friends, and it’s nice.

    2) I am an introvert, which means that I “recharge” and feel energized by solitude. Being with people a lot kinda drains me. (This is just something I have noticed about myself, not something I am causing to happen by believing it. Kinda like noticing that when I drink caffeine I can’t sleep.)

    I was just thinking this morning that that is part of why I feel so picky about men — I really do like to be alone, so if I’m gonna share my life with a man he’s gonna have to be pretty darn special.



  39.  #39Apple Jacks on May 8, 2010 at 11:04 am

    SNAG, I like that.

    I was just talking to my kid brother and I KNOW he’s also a sensitive new age guy. It’s the way kids are raised now, where the energy levels have totally swapped. His wife right now is the sole bread winner and he has a new job he started today and he was feeling extremely overwhelmed and scared and was doubting he could do it.

    He and his wife had an argument yesterday because she is so masculine energy who wants to be in feminine energy (I didn’t tell them this, lol. I could just recognize it) and she wants for him to take the lead and sees this job as the perfect opportunity to be able to go down that road. She asked me to speak with him and encourage him and he was doing relaly well today. But everthing she told me about their argument yesterday adn the things he was saying and how he was reacting screamed SNAG to me lol.



  40.  #40Apple Jacks on May 8, 2010 at 11:07 am

    I’m glad you’re feeling better, Daria. I was able to do a little bit of this exercise also and I notice a difference. Thank God for Rori and her tools, it’s just there’s so many that makes me feel overwhelmed and don’t know where to start sometimes.



  41.  #41Apple Jacks on May 8, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Hey Lucy, I like SNAGS too haha. A masculine energy SNAG would be the ultimate dream relationship for me.



  42.  #42Lucy on May 8, 2010 at 11:09 am

    Daria, I feel happy that you are feeling better!

    In my dance class this morning, we learned choreography for a rap song that really had attitude — it was something about telling a guy to leave cuz she’s had enough — and it made me think of you.
    I was like, yeah, I’m channeling Daria to do this dance! 🙂



  43.  #43mary on May 8, 2010 at 11:17 am

    Well, speaking of sensitive new age guys, Mr. Island Man has yet to call.

    I don’t get it.

    He called last night and wanted to know when to come. I’m gonna call him back…



  44.  #44mary on May 8, 2010 at 11:23 am

    or maybe no…



  45.  #45Lucy on May 8, 2010 at 11:25 am

    From askmen.com:

    ‘Think about this for a moment and flip the scenario around. Take a cliché about females, such as their propensity to nag, and turn it into an acronym. BANG for example: “Bright Attractive Non-Nagging Girl.” Okay, okay, you think of a better one.

    ‘Point is that it would elicit dissent and cause an uproar (or at least mild tumult). And no woman that I know would proudly proclaim that she was a “BANG.” Plenty of men, though, have told me that they are SNAGs.’

    I prefer SNACs to SNAGs.

    Soooo, here’s my new dating profile heading:

    “BANG looking for a SNAC”

    hahhahaa!



  46.  #46Lucy on May 8, 2010 at 11:26 am

    Mary, didn’t you earlier say something like, “He thinks he’s still coming” with an attitude of, “oh no he’s not!”

    Just sayin.



  47.  #47mary on May 8, 2010 at 11:28 am

    no, i WANT him to come! i’m dying for him to come! should i call him?

    it’ll be our experiment…



  48.  #48mary on May 8, 2010 at 11:29 am

    Lucy, what does the “c” stand for in SNAC?



  49.  #49Apple Jacks on May 8, 2010 at 11:31 am

    I love the acronym BANG Lucy. Makes me feel in touch with the confidence of being a woman. We women truly are BANGS.



  50.  #50mary on May 8, 2010 at 11:32 am

    okay, i called.

    he wasn’t home.

    i left a message. maybe he’s on the ferry!

    wow.

    i’m at a loss here.

    he wouldn’t keep calling if he didn’t want to get together. i think this might just be a logistics problem.

    a logistics problem he’ll have to solve if he wants to go out with Mary, eh?



  51.  #51Apple Jacks on May 8, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Awww Mary, I know that feeling of wanting and dying to see that someone. Please don’t call him, though. I’ll cyber hold your hand.



  52.  #52Apple Jacks on May 8, 2010 at 11:33 am

    I guess I posted the above post too late, I’ll cyber hold your hand anyway, Mary.



  53.  #53mary on May 8, 2010 at 11:46 am

    Huh.

    I’m so new to all this.

    If I lose this guy, okay. Then I gain some knowledge.

    I’m going to eat now. I’ve been staying home waiting, waiting, waiting…

    My first husband always had me waiting like this.

    I’m mad now. Hungry and mad.



  54.  #54Lucy on May 8, 2010 at 11:47 am

    Mary, SNAC= sensitive new age Christian. I just made it up a few posts ago after reading your post about SNAGs. 🙂



  55.  #55Lucy on May 8, 2010 at 11:49 am

    🙁 Aw, Mary, I feel mad and sad about Island Man.

    Hang in there!



  56.  #56mary on May 8, 2010 at 11:55 am

    Yeah.

    I think I want a different kind of guy. A guy who wouldn’t let a Saturday go to chance like this.

    oh.

    he just called.

    he’s here.

    gotta go.

    wow.

    can you beLIEVE this?



  57.  #57Siena on May 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    So I’m listening to Commitment Blueprint as I work. And I’m listening to CC. The first time I listened to this, I was just broken up, and feeling hurt, and I couldn’t listen to CC without feeling really triggered and feeling angry at him.

    Today listening to it, I feel totally differently! I understand what he’s saying, and I feel empowered that I can understand and ‘do’ what he says creates good relationships. And I like him!

    The difference is my own perspective, and it’s a great lesson for me.

    I really feel so much better and healed than I did months ago. I walked around for a long time with an anxious dialogue going on in my head all the time.

    Now that anxiety is mostly gone. It still rears its ugly head every now and then, but now I have tools to be able to deal with it and work through it.

    Gosh, I know I keep saying this, but I feel so grateful that I found Siren Island!

    The main thing that has relieved my anxiety is knowing that I can communicate my truth without it becoming a huge issue. Before, I often held my feelings and beliefs inside me because I believed that men didn’t want to hear about it, and that it would drive them further away from me.

    And it built up so much anxiety in me – and PRESSURE – on him (I’m sure) to never screw up that I was a mess!

    Yay Rori! Yay CC! Yay Sirens! Yay me!



  58.  #58Maria on May 8, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    Shannon, saying no is an excellent experiment – l created a secret blog, where l took myself weekly tasks and saying NO was the main excercise. I didnt realize, but after 2 weeks of practice l soon saw a little transformation, its like a car driving – once you learn it, you then soon drive without thinking how to drive.
    Keeping your self excercise blog is fantastic, l recommend that, it works. I remember l turned down a big job offer, that did not feel good, and later the feeling l had was fantastic.
    l need to work on my fears now, and this post inspires to take the next excercise challenge:)



  59.  #59Apple Jacks on May 8, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    Siena, CC is Christian Carter right?



  60.  #60Siena on May 8, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    AJ, yes 🙂



  61.  #61Apple Jacks on May 8, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    Siena – Cool! Like I said he used to trigger me too. He was the first one I started learning from and about this topic and I am so glad I did. I honestly feel if I came to Rori first I wouldn’t have gotten the most of her teachings because I still would have been hostile towards men. Now, I’m not thanks to his and Marie Forleo’s toughness. I needed that tough talk because I had a women’s superiority complex where I thought that I, and my way was just too right and there was no room for compromise. It really helped me to connect better with men I feel.

    I’m not as judgemental of them and have a much better sense of humor. It cleared my head, lol and made way for me to go deeper and do the inner work that Rori guides. It’s amazing. I’m so glad you feel better by him too! *claps hands*



  62.  #62kismet on May 8, 2010 at 7:37 pm

    That post Daria linked up there is great!

    1. detachment from outcome
    -I realized I am with my bf because when I met him, I didn’t care what happened, talking with him like anyone else even if I thought he was hot, I didn’t really care



  63.  #63Daria on May 8, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    Feeling so sad… and guilty.

    So i basically told this man I don’t feel comfortable with him coming to give me a kiss while I’m working.

    And i was feeling guilty about this even before he asked, because I was imagining this scenario. And I feel guilty that I’m judging him as not good enough for me. and I’m judging my self and my choices as not good enough to show in front of my clietns

    and i feel guilty and guilty

    and then i told him i feel uncomfortable and then i felt rejected by what he said

    which sux

    i felt guilty before tho

    i feel guilty now

    I feel frustrated

    =(

    i feel sad that I feel judged for my choice in men and i feel uncomfortable being with people i care about in front of other people

    i feel embarassed to be judged ghetto, or weird

    i feel guilty that people would judge me cuz of racism classism whatever and i feel guilty that i would cover that up

    omgosh

    i feel judgemental of my embarassement

    i feel like such a bad person to feel this way

    i feel embarassed that my parents make these kinds of judgements sometimes

    i feel sad

    i feel defensive

    i feel sad

    i love my feelings

    even though they feel terribly uncomfortable in my liver and spleen and behind my cheeks and under my eyes

    i feel a sigh

    i love my feelings

    i feel angry!

    i love my feelings



  64.  #64Daria on May 8, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    like here i am being miss proper and in would come a “kid/man” of 21 years old which is only 4 years older than my client, and like 6 or 7 years younger than me, dressed in a big oversize hoodie, and want to give me a kiss

    and i feel so guilty that i would feel REALLY awkward

    or now taking farther ANOTHER one of my dates who is missing teeth because he got in a car accident… omgosh… i feel bad cuz he looks “really ghetto” maybe to other people even tho hes got a good job… he’s just saving money to get his teeth fixed

    or… other men in my past or present i might not feel embarassed if they saw me, but i would feel awkward if they kissed me

    but then i think ok if a man in a suit who was potentially the same ethnicity as me came in and gave me a kiss then i could introduce him as my boyfriend and remain looking prim and proper

    and that feels sad and i feel all guilty about that

    maybe a man of any ethnicity in a suit, with fixed teeth and a “preppy” look

    im am so not preppy but i am preppy when im at work

    i feel so uncomfortable writing about this

    i just know that people are going to think im racist

    i feel so guilty

    i dont want to feel this way

    i am not even racist i am just really triggered by this

    ugh

    i dont even get triggered when other people’s moms are racist to me – ok sometimes i am,

    sigh

    i feel like punishing myself

    and not loving my feelings

    for being such a coward about other people’s opinions

    what if i had a really goth boyfirend with black makeup and lipstick lollll

    i fel amused



  65.  #65Daria on May 8, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    ok i feel embarassed by “shortcomings” in the people close to me, i read somewhere that meant something, i forgot what

    probably something about being controlling, it was some kinda personality thing

    i feel ASHAMED

    i love my shame

    I deserve to be punished and feel icky shame that makes me feel ill and stops me from healing my uti

    and i dont want that

    i feel sad

    =(

    i dont want to be me!

    i want to be someone who feels no shame about who she is or about who she is

    i eel no move

    i love my gfeelings even tho i feel terirbly ahsmead



  66.  #66Apple Jacks on May 8, 2010 at 9:52 pm

    Hey Daria,

    your posts just reminded me of a dream I had. As you know I come from an Indian background so I feel waht you say about sometimes race being triggered in other people. The last guy I fell for (the married one) was African American. Honestly, I never thought I could ever feel so strongly for someone from that part of the world. While growing up and stuff, I never felt I had anything in common. Now most of my friends here in Dallas are African American, and I grew up in a pre-dominantly white community.

    I know that I am not perfect and had underlying misunderstandings about race. I always wondered, if this man was fully available and because I liked him so much, how would I have been able to make it the full course with him because of the racism that exists in my culture agains the African American community.

    I forgot about my dream last night till I read your post, but I dreamt that I was out having dinner with my family, namely my aunts and uncles (who I feel are very controlling) and that I had invited him to dinner. I was not expecting him to come and felt maybe it would be better that he didn’t so I was relaxed. But then he showed up! I felt tense for a short time when he came in, but happy and openly said hi and gave him my seat. He sat right next to me, said he had a long day and out of nowhere put his arms aroudn my shoulders and gave me a big kiss on the cheek. I smiled really wide, and I saw my aunt and she kept eating but grimaced. That’s when I woke up!

    For what it’s worth, I don’t feel judgemental of you at all. I feel really connected to what you’re saying right now. My innermost thoughts and feelings tend to be really abstract and am not able to fish for them very well (not yet anyway). So when I read yours or other sirens’ posts the feeling of connectedness, like lego pieces connected, are very strong and also life saving I feel.

    I feel a loss for words now, but that’s my post to you. Wow. Feelings are totally awesome.



  67.  #67Daria on May 8, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    Thanks Appple Jacks – I feel supported and encouraged.

    I feel guilty and judgemental toward me and you.

    I feel afraid other people namely black women are reading this and being judgemental to us.

    For some reason that feels terrifying!

    Like they might think “these racist wanna be ass bitches.”

    THEN I feel guilty for having that fear.

    wtf

    I feel soooo uncomfortable right now I feel like all braced and ready to fight anyone saying something to me.



  68.  #68Apple Jacks on May 8, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    I feel, pretty liberated and ready for anything. I also feel afraid of being looked at as racist and angering or hurting others. I feel like I want to go in my head and explain myself, and use all the logical reasonings I have to show how I am NOT racist….then I feel angry at myself for going into my head and closing off my heart and bodily sensations.

    I feel like hugging myself

    I also feel like slapping myself for wnating to hug myself.

    I feel defeated and exhuasted at the thought of confrontation or judgemental attitudes toward me.

    I feel like I want to defend myself, but should NOT defend myself.

    I feel like fixing this.

    I feel like saying if there’s going to be a fight that you (Daria) are bracing for, I’ll be right there beside you.

    Then I feel guilty for even feeling like fighting anyone who may feel triggered on account of me!

    I feel my shoulders heavied with everyone else’s thoughts, feelings, and worries.

    I feel like taking care of myself and others as well to make it “right.”

    Still very unfamiliar with these feelings….



  69.  #69Apple Jacks on May 8, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    I feel guilty for wanting to protect myself.

    I also feel like a fraud for wanting to reach out.

    I have a stinging, hard lump in my throat

    The upper traps in my shoulders are frozen and tense, and my entire head feels pressured.

    I want these feeligns to go away…

    Now I feel sad

    My heart feels like saying, I don’t mean any harm. I just felt so free to love him, I lost my footing and my compass.

    I feel strong to take any blows necessary

    I feel silly exposing myself this much

    I feel naked, bare and embarrassed



  70.  #70Daria on May 8, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    well I think you’ve most certainly caught it…



  71.  #71mary on May 9, 2010 at 3:15 am

    Hmmmmmm… Daria and Apple Jacks,

    My ex-husband was older than me, and he had two daughters who both preferred African American men and had mixed race children. Their men were amazing and their children delightful… I loved them as my own. Sometimes there is an acceptance that goes beyond understanding.

    May you both find it.



  72.  #72mary on May 9, 2010 at 3:30 am

    Hello!

    I had such a nice day with Island Man. I had a good feeling about him!

    Apparently he woke up and thought it too early to call me on a Saturday morning, and he drove straight over to the ferry and got in line. Then there was a traffic jam because of a demonstration downtown… he called me late morning from the mall and I rushed over because I thought he had ridden the bus.

    Instead, and to my great surprise, he brought his truck over and drove me around. (He’s the one who told me he thought there was a disparity in income, so I wasn’t sure how he would handle it.) He offered lunch, but I had already eaten. We went for a long, long walk around a lake! I loved his company. And then he took me to dinner… and we played pool and he left for the ferry again.

    He lives only a 30 minute drive to the ferry, and a 20 minute ferry ride home, so day trips are doable. Not quite the long distance relationship, but our time will probably be limited to weekends.

    Which gives me more space! I love it.

    I think I could love this guy. But I was watching myself carefully today and holding back a bit. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling, though! I believe that RIGHT NOW IS THE MOST CRITICAL TIME in the relationship. It’s the choosing time… I must keep my head on my shoulders.

    And what to do about soon-to-be divorced man? The one that I JUST KNOW about?

    I don’t want to break this Island Man’s heart. I must keep it very, very casual. But who knows? Maybe he would be the better choice…

    There’s also man with the home in the woods. What a nice evening when we cooked out.

    God help me.

    And thank God for the choices.

    I don’t know how to not worry about other people’s feelings. It’s ingrained in who I am.



  73.  #73Apple Jacks on May 9, 2010 at 10:08 am

    Mary – when you said “sometimes there’s an acceptance that goes beyond unerstanding” resonated with me because that is exactly what I found with him. In fact, there are lots of acceptances that I found that all went beyond my conventional wisdom and I feel very grateful for that.

    When you said, “May you both find it” that made me feel defensive and confused. But I DID find it. Especially with hom on that particular factor. I feel a chaotic, hot volcanic turmoil happening between my ribs and stomach. I feel like I have to explain myself and I feel frustrated because I do not know how to not go in my head for this one:

    I never wanted to convey that I did not accept this man whom I adore due to his race. I wanted to convey that I was all too aware of what we BOTH were up against because of race not just from my side but his own as well. He and I talked about this extensively, and he made it clear that with his family and friends, it’s considered very taboo (for the men especially) to date outside of his race.

    If he were available, I would not have hesitated to ride off into a world of our own.

    *Sigh* I feel relieved and light to have gotten that off my chest. I sincerely feel grateful to you for the opportunity.



  74.  #74Soignée on May 9, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Dear Mary,

    about the dating online. I put a profile on a website – to increase my goddess desirability :):)-
    So I described myself in the way the men fall nearly in love with my description and so many men want to know me, I did not contact any single man, they all contact me. I do not even see their profile. I chat and see from their communication what kind of people they are, the education and good manners speak a lot.



  75.  #75Daria on May 9, 2010 at 11:33 am

    I felt triggered from the acceptance that goes beyond understanding bit too, and i felt weird .



  76.  #76Daria on May 9, 2010 at 11:37 am

    I dont’ know what the hell that phrase means!?

    =)

    lol. I feel like amused (probably my defense) and i felt like I kinda glossed over it.



  77.  #77Daria on May 9, 2010 at 11:39 am

    Yeah I felt tightened up like… brace and protect self against more attacks… and then relaxing like ok its over.

    I felt JUDGED.



  78.  #78mary on May 9, 2010 at 11:44 am

    Morning,

    and Happy Mother’s Day, everyone!



  79.  #79mary on May 9, 2010 at 11:46 am

    soignee,

    about online dating: that’s my policy, too! the only time i spend online is answering those who have written to me.

    i went ahead and put a new profile up in austin. we’ll see what happens! the pictures were taken in victoria, with the ocean in the background, and they describe the things i like to do here, AND say that i’m looking for someone who can live in both places, because my family is there.

    i’m always so glad to hear from you!



  80.  #80Jennifer on May 9, 2010 at 11:50 am

    I don’t understand SNAG’s…they come off as passive agressive to me. B used to do this all the time.I guess it would be different if they asked what you wanted and then DIDNT bitch about it. I want a DAMM….Determined, Assertive Manly Man. ROFLAMO!
    My money friend texted me last night at 1130….she just set me up with her friend J….first thing in the text “you’re going out with J on Friday..he has money and he’s cute!”
    LOL!
    That’s why she’s my money friend.
    I feel nervous about a blind date. I have compete faith in her ability to choose good looking men. For sure, she picked C out for me…but I dont’ know if she’d care if we had that much in common or if she thinks he should just take me out someplace nice and spend money on me. Hmmmmm……
    Blind date…kinda fun? Could be.



  81.  #81mary on May 9, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Daria and Apple Jacks!

    I meant no offense.

    I read your comments in the light that you have been bothered by other people’s reactions to your dating choices. Is it not so?

    Not everyone goes across racial boundaries to date. I personally would have no problem doing it but have never been asked out by anyone who was not my race.

    My husband had a lot of problems with his daughters only being attracted to African American men. I didn’t have a problem with it, but since they weren’t attracted to any other race, it was a curiosity to me. Because, as I said, I would not let a racial barrier stop me from dating anyone. I didn’t ask questions of them; i figured they knew what they wanted and knew what they were doing, and I was not there when they first started making choices… had I been there, I would probably have had a better understanding.



  82.  #82mary on May 9, 2010 at 11:56 am

    Well, okay. The guy last week was German. Is that another race? I have gone out with Jewish men. Is that another race? And Island Man is Irish / Scottish / English… I guess that’s where my roots are. I just call myself American. And he is Canadian.

    Hard to know, really… where racial lines begin and end.



  83.  #83mary on May 9, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    Earlier this week I called my friend who wanted me to list her condo. She wasn’t home, so I left a long message, giving her and her husband an easy out because their property would be my very first, and because I’m still not hooked up with a firm, and that will take at least a week. They want to get their place on the market ASAP.

    So I just called to check their temperature and restate the facts to them. They said, “We got your message, talked about it and we both feel that your exuberance and enthusiasm will make up for your lack of experience. We want you to be our Realtor.”

    I write this here so you can share in my feelings of overwhelm, thankfulness and joy.

    There has been something very profound missing from my life, and the only way I can describe it is “having the ability to make a trade, and having a presence in the marketplace.” My musical and artistic stints have been temporary and short-lived and they haven’t given me a solid sense of being a business woman.

    I look forward to every aspect of this experience! Can’t wait to get started! And here are these people, jump-starting me with their vote of confidence!

    I am rejoicing. I am thankful. I am humbled.



  84.  #84Lucy on May 9, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Aw, Mary, I feel very happy for you! It must feel wonderful to feel that piece of the puzzle fitting into place in such a positive way. <3



  85.  #85Daria on May 9, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Yay Mary! That’s awesome!

    I got a call from a prospective client too, and although she said she thinks that my rates aren’t affordable for her right now, I’ve scheduled a free consultation for her, and am considering sliding my scale because I really desire the extra income as well.



  86.  #86mary on May 9, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    thank you.

    Wow, Daria!



  87.  #87Maria on May 9, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Dear Rori, l have a serious question and l need answer, cos it is tearing me apart.
    Im currently involved with a man, and not to mention, l love him dearly. But there are problems l feel quite lost about.
    He is coming from a big family (Indian), and they have very close community. However he seems to have endless problems running is his family – mum is ill, dad is ill, brothers and sisters have many issues and all that. (From what he has told me, her mum has been in hospital many times and dad is retired and down, and he is the son, who lives closest to them)
    This is what he wrote today:….”you also said you want man that puts you number one, and I can do that, problem is with my responsibilities its getting harder and harder for me to even find time for me.”
    l have told him, what l belive – l belive, that when a man really wants a woman, he does action and does not bring up million excuses NOT to. l have told him, that its alright, just tell me we dont have a future and l will be gone.
    But here is a thing, maybe l have no idea of the kind of family issues and importances and lm just being selfish here, wheres he really is dealing with multimillion problems in his family. Maybe lm missing something. (I havent met his family, though, and l cant tell). Maybe this is the case that l cross some “lines” and l am not aware of it. Maybe the cultural differences are HUGE. But maybe he is just giving some excuse….Either way l feel very bad, and when l bring the subject up, he gets angry and plays the stress card. I dont want to be fully judgemental, until l know for sure, but l dont think indians are always that much trouble people.
    (Well, American President obviously has stress, too, but see, he is married.)
    I hope Rori, you can answer that l thank you in advance.



  88.  #88Maria on May 9, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Hoo, l feel like lm one of those unpopular so-serious miserable character here in the middle of merry sirens….



  89.  #89mary on May 9, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    hi maria!

    check out some of this “merry” siren’s comments a few months ago!

    the thing that strikes me about your situation is that you’re very much in love with this man but have yet to meet his family.

    i’m trying to learn new things here on siren island, to help with my decisions. and i’m hoping to get a whole feel for a guy (including meeting his family) before letting my heart jump in.

    i don’t know if i’ll be able to do that!

    i’m just wondering about it for you…



  90.  #90Lucy on May 9, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Maria — I would want to circular date, see what other kinds of men show up, have fun with them, — that would take the pressure off this one relationship, it would give him time to take care of his family while you are happily enjoying your life and the company of other men who might turn out to be more able to give you what you want in a relationship. He would then have a motivation to step up and claim you (which would mean being more available to you) before some other man snatches you up — IF he is both able and wanting to do so.

    <3
    Lucy



  91.  #91Apple Jacks on May 9, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Wow Maria, I’m a bit triggered (AGAIN) because I’m Indian too and I can really totally understand your man’s position. I don’t know…to me it never feels like just because you have family responsibility you can’t have romance as well. In the long tradition of Indian culture and my experience I have never seen these two things really collide so much, until the mergence of the western culture with the east. There’s mother, father, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, spouses, children and it’s just this flowing daily dance. You’re right, the American President also has a huge job with stress and is still married. Maybe he is thinking that if he does commit to you, that romance would take a beating because his culture and yours might collide.

    He may be anticipating some major culture clashes and is afraid you might feel hurt, or that his family will feel hurt. In the Indian culture, particularly for the male, he is ALONG with his wife, to take on the responsibility of his aging parents and family responsibility. It sounds to me as if this is the mindset where he is coming from. He may feel apprehensive that this might be too much to ask of you, and now he feels like he has to trade the responsibility of his family to be responsible for your happiness and there can be no middle ground. He doesn’t know know how to come out and say it in those words. I’ll bet you anything he’s feeling very torn. There’s a fear for example, a scenario where he has promised to take you out to see a play, what if something suddenly happens in his household where he’s needed? It presents a situation where he’d end up disappointing one party (most likely you) and he’d never be able to please you in the way you want and need, or that he’s abandoning his family. I know that he’s feeling a LOT of pressure.

    Have you ever seen the movie Mother India? For me there’s a real poignant scene where the young couple recently married are trying to have a stolen moment together. She’s really shy and he keeps pursuing her, in their own home! She’s trying to get away saying she needs to get the chores done, his mother needs her but he’s like it’s okay…she’s like trembling and nervous and he’s reaching over to give her a kiss then his mother starts calling her. They both disperse and accidentally she spills pepper, and her mother in law is playfully scolding her and they’re all sneezing. I love that scene because I always felt that this showed the whole richness of my culture. Sure there’s a large sense of responsibility but there’s also this wonderful romantic sense of playfulness and a togerthness that makes even the hardest life fun. I always found it difficult to explain it to people fromt he western culture, even though I was raised here.

    Oh but good luck with this. Please realize that this man does not not love you. I think he’s just feeling torn, you know. I hope this post provided SOME insight.



  92.  #92Lucy on May 9, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Wow, Apple Jacks! I feel so impressed and appreciative of the insight you offered Maria!

    You expressed this so eloquently!

    I agree that it is so important to understand where a man is coming from — we can so easily interpret actions (or lack of action) incorrectly, can’t we?



  93.  #93Daria on May 9, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    To me in the end its the action that counts. This man is dating a woman of a different culture, and she has her own needs as well, some maybe driven by her own culture.

    He’s not pursuing as much as she would like.

    If she were the one with many responsibilities, then if he wanted her he would have to pursue…

    as in the case in the movie AJ described.

    No matter what he has to pursue for the relationship to work.

    He may feel “torn” (don’t all men? of all cultures?)

    This is not the first time culture has come up in this context of the man feeling torn.

    He either steps up or he doesn’t. Is what matters to the relationship.

    So perhaps him having a family deal is something that holds him back from purusuing fully

    Perhaps he has 7 children

    Perhaps he’s busy with work

    In the end he can or can’t he will or he won’t.

    And it’s always in the woman’s best interest to focus on her, and say no to what she doesn’t want, and Circular Date.



  94.  #94Daria on May 9, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    Apple Jacks I feel so drawn in and captivated reading your post! I feel fascinated, I love it!

    I want to see Mother India now!



  95.  #95Lucy on May 9, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    “say no to what she doesn’t want”

    For me, what I “don’t want” is affected by the circumstances.

    E.g., If a man isn’t spending as much time with me as I would like and it is because he is playing world of warcraft 100 hours a week, that would be something I DON’T WANT.

    However, if a man isn’t spending as much time with me as I would like and it is because he is taking care of a chronically ill child, that would be something I MIGHT WANT. I would want to give it time and explore with him what it would mean for our relationship. Just like with the cultural thing Apple Jacks described. Maybe the man with the ill child would love my companionship and comfort and goddess presence at the hospital, etc. — but is hesitant to say that for fear of imposing on me — and maybe I would love being that wonderful presence in his life with his sick child — and it would lead to us spending more time together once he saw that I accepted that part of his life — and it could be a really satisfying and fulfilling relationship.

    Not so with the video game addict.



  96.  #96Daria on May 9, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    I would like a man that spends as much time with me as I would like.

    I trust myself to “like” the amount of time that honors me and is loving to me, and therefore to my man.



  97.  #97Daria on May 9, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    I’m not interested in “being understanding.”

    “Being understanding” is a Rori NoNo and an awesome way to kill authenticity and relationship.

    Maybe a man with a child would love my companionship, but since we’re not spending enought time together it might be that he would not.

    What ELSE can he do that would make me feel good?

    Like the man who wouldn’t marry the woman because it would cancel his insurance – Rori said what else WOULD he be able to do to show his commitment?

    And sometimes we simply want more than what a man can phyiscally offer us at that time.

    Sometimes we want a man without a car to drive to us.

    Or a man without money to set up a foundation for a family.

    And the answer is to Circular Date. And practice Rori’s tools.



  98.  #98Daria on May 9, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    I feel really mad!!



  99.  #99Lucy on May 9, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    I feel accepting of different sirens having different feelings about and different experiences with “being understanding.”

    For ME, being understanding greatly enhances authenticity and relationship.

    I have seen it play out that way in the successful relationships around me as well.



  100.  #100Apple Jacks on May 9, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    Wow thank you so much for the support Lucy and Daria. I was feeling worried how my post would come across.

    It’s very difficult to explain the Indian familial culture dynamics for me because it’s so collective and the western culture is very individual. Individual, personal happiness always takes a back seat to to the good of the collective whole (in this case family). I feel like I’m coming more from the new school of though where i’m able to merge the best of the two.

    Romance is such an interesting concept in India, it’s still unfamiliar but I wouldn’t say new either because after all, the kama sutra came from there and it is the second most populated country in the world. But I would say it’s always a blended part of a whole garden of relationships that also need tending.

    One of the biggest reasons why the male children take over the family and the care for their aging parents besides the ones that are obvious that has to do with aging itself, is really to make sure the aging woman supported. We all know that women outlive men and in the year 2000 I remember reading a report that the highest rate of poverty is in elderly women in the western countries. There’s a bill board here from the North Texas Food Bank that shows a woman and it reads, “House wife at 33, widow at 55, hungry today.”

    It’s understandable in the eastern countries that if you just limit relationships to husband wife and kids, it lead to a pretty isolating existence in old age. That’s just how the eastern culture views it. With a full spectrum of relationships, there’s support in all avenues. The aging parents are in the comfort with their loved ones, they get to watch their grandchildren grow, the children have relations with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. If the young daughter-in-law is pregnant or has a baby she has a full team in her corner to take care of her. Traditionally we don’t allow a woman who’s given birth out of bed for forty days. Everyone cares for the baby, and the mother also people feed her with their hand and pamper her and help in her recovery. It’s the concept where you don’t have to rely soley on one relationship to get all your needs met, or else that puts a strain on that relationship.

    Of course with anything there are pros and cons, but I really always loved this part about my culture, even through my rebellion as a teenager. I always found it exciting that when I married I’d enjoy living and caring for his family despite potential personality conflicts (which exist a lot too btw). My personality was such to never let that intimidate me.

    Shows like “Everybody Loves Raymond” and all the manipulative evil mother-in-laws type stuff trigger me a lot. You know, we’re all women and many times we are our own best support system. Some women may not be as evolved as we may be, but I feel that like Rori says, if the relationship is honored it is possilbe to get passed all the personality conflicts and offer one another that support that helps us grow in the best way possible, even if your mother-in-law may be “evil.” I always used to say, with me as a daughter-in-law she wouldn’t be evil for very long. 😉 Again, this post was just to provide some insight of my culture and presented my thoughts and feelings. I’m loving that I can feel so wonderfully safe enough to do so here.



  101.  #101Apple Jacks on May 9, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    I feel acceptance and love for different sirens’ needs as well with Lucy. Daria, I feel welcoming and understanding of your anger. As for my post above, I feel like i need to state that that was all me and explanation of the mindset of my culture. It’s not right or wrong. As Rori teaches, there’s only right and wrong for you and I love your honesty and brilliance. It makes me feel inspired and courageous on the inside and I love and feel safe with Lucy’s compassion and understanding too. It’s cool cause I’m not feeling triggered at all. Only confident and serene.



  102.  #102Apple Jacks on May 9, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    Oh and Daria, I do feel where you’re coming from. I feel as if you’re saying that if a man cannot do something exactly in that time or place that was expected do extenuating circumstances, then you feel that he can find another way to fullfill that something to care for your needs as well. If that’s the case, I totally feel understanding of your side.



  103.  #103Lucy on May 9, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Right, and circular dating keeps it all in perspective while you are learning more about the man and what he can and can’t provide for you.



  104.  #104Apple Jacks on May 9, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    I agree Lucy. I can’t wait to start circular dating, hehehe.



  105.  #105Daria on May 9, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    Apple Jacks – I felt triggered reading Lucy’s post, Apple Jacks (I feel unsure if you thought I felt triggered by yours).

    Lucy – I am just finding myself feeling so triggered by your posts more and more.

    Am practicing using it as a mirror…



  106.  #106Apple Jacks on May 9, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    Hi Daria, yes I was feeling that maybe you felt triggered by my post as I saw it after I posted my long winded one. Now I realize that wasn’t the case.



  107.  #107Lucy on May 9, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Daria, I was just agreeing with what Apple Jacks said in #91, that’s all.



  108.  #108Lucy on May 9, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    Daria, I feel happy that you are practicing using your triggers as a mirror!



  109.  #109Lucy on May 9, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    There was actually an old post where Rori said that “trying to understand” is “crucial” sometimes in relationships — but you have to have all the other things in place too (boundaries, feeling your feelings and expressing them in feeling messages, knowing what you don’t want, circular dating, etc.)



  110.  #110Maria on May 9, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    Apple J, thank you for your post a lot, it helped me to get more insight, hence l wanted to know more about the backround. He keeps telling me about his family problems all the time, and it s not like we sit and have a coffe and he says: “here is a thing, in Indian culture there are this and this …..” As they say, always go for another opinion. From what l have learned so far is that indeed, the cultural traditions and commitments are huge. He have said he wants to marry me, however, nothing is certain, and precise, no dates. And then comes the glorious sentence, that he does not want to hurt his family. (by marrying me he obviously does).
    Being a reader of Roris blog l obviously do not wear much of a pink glasses on, although before letting him go fully, l just wanted to make sure if l really got every piece in caleidoscope. Maybe l do not realise the magnitude of Indian family traditions, and indeed, l dont. But l belive, if you love someone, you find a way, and this man certainly does not love me.



  111.  #111Daria on May 9, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    Maria – yay for you.

    We don’t know if he loves you, but we do know what his actions feel like to us.

    As Rori has said, we can be in love, even with more than one person,

    but that IS A DIFFERENT THING than RELATIONSHIP.

    A man has to BE ABLE and WANT to DO RELATIONSHIP. Not just feel love, in love, or loving.

    He also has to DO on his feelings. (he’s not a girl hehe)



  112.  #112Maria on May 9, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    I also wanted to say something. With the respect of Indian culture and all that, l just feel like I do not want to use those modern tactics to win hi over (giving him speeches, circular dating to make him step up on a plate, do all sorts of other things). If he was someone, lets say, regular in drinking, out of responsibility, typical male – difrent thing. But this time, directing my own (selfish) wishes just isnt right place to do. Im dealing with a respectful community, for god sake:)
    Maybe lm thinking wrong here.
    But l cant get out of the feeling, that maybe, if l was some hot young sexy (indian), we would not have this problem.



  113.  #113Maria on May 9, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    Thanks Daria, l need a hug



  114.  #114mary on May 9, 2010 at 11:06 pm

    Hi Maria,

    I was reading the Comment #91, and I was totally into all the description (wow! Apple Jacks, thank you!), and I got to the very last paragrah, “Please realize that this man does not not love you,”

    and – to tell you the truth – that jarred me. I was wondering, “How does Apple Jacks know that? Because he’s putting up road blocks? Because he’s not talking marriage?”

    I’m wondering if this guy might possibly love you and just feel too conflicted to be able to make it work.

    I know that that’s the case with R. He loves me! But we’re completely different, and the differences are too much for him. I can expand and grow and adjust to them, but he can’t or won’t. It’s okay! I realize that it isn’t workable because he’s not willing to do the work, but I also know that he loves me and wishes it had been easier. Love does not always mean stepping up. Love is sometimes accepting limitations and moving on.

    Could that be the case with your man, too? Maybe he loves you but just feels too torn to be able to handle the conflict that Apple Jacks was explaining.



  115.  #115Apple Jacks on May 9, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    Hi Maria,

    it wouldn’t matter if you were a hot sexy Indian either. The truth is he is in that position of the family head (or whatever you wanna call it) and I guess to put it bluntly, he would need a woman that would be able to blend into that. You are right, circular dating and the like, really would not work on a guy coming from that culture (no offens to Rori) because with him the future life vision is very specific.

    I think of it this way, he’s being groomed to take over a kingdom and that comes with a large sense of responsibility and if he feels that he someone can blend in and fit in with him in his role, she could be the least sexiest non-Indian. I must say though Indian people do tend to rigidly marry within their own ethnicity. But marrying outside of it happens quite frequently too.

    I agree if he was serious about this, he would find a way and talk with you more in depth about his cultural traditions and expectations and see for himself where you are comfortable or not before he makes a concrete decision. Sometimes Indian/Americans live in a dichotomy and feel that if they state the truth of their culture to someone who might be American, then they would have to explain themselves or they’ll look bad…a whole slew of things. But that does not mean he should be indecisive either. To me that just says he’s not ready and does not know how to broach the topic with you and getting too distracted to want to. Of course everyone is different and I am not an expert on him, either but this is my general theory. I know this all too well lol.



  116.  #116Apple Jacks on May 9, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    Hey Mary, yes that’s exactly what I meant! Thank you! Sometimes love to an individual, hey I am not the best one for this person and I have to let her go. That was exactly what i was trying to say, that he just may not feel like he could love Maria the way she feels good because he just has way too much to juggle and deal with. I see it a lot in my culture. My brother had a simliar experience many years ago, and this girl was Indian!



  117.  #117Maria on May 9, 2010 at 11:29 pm

    Well, see Mary, in crisis, we somehow tend to belive negative, have you noticed? I just thought about it the other day – how come that there are wonderful sirens here, and the message “he does not love you” somehow, unconciously, keeps coming around from all the corners.
    Hey, of course says he loves me, lm his “prem kahani” (Apple Jacks, you know what that means:) and he is now 41, l dont think he just says it, however, as l said, what l have learned is that each relationship is also individual.
    Its like – we see something that does not feel right according to some criteria and we automatically label it as wrong. (for example – couple, who lives together but is not married for some couple of years). Hence l told earlier, that l somehow feel, that those wonderful tips wont work on this cenario – l just cant make him to marry me with simple tactics. Thats just so silly and disrespectful, isnt it.
    However, the bottom line we all want to know is that:”Where is it going? Is my heart safe? Is he going to marry me?” Am I THE ONE?



  118.  #118Apple Jacks on May 9, 2010 at 11:34 pm

    Maria, of he’s 41, I’ll be blunt and say it’s probably not going to happen. Yes I know what Prem Kahani is (it’s love story). That tells me right there he considering you that, does say he loves you but it’s separate. He is fullfilling his familial duties and obligations so you are that taste of honey for him that is completely different from all his obligatory life. In his mind he does love you, but he knows it can’t be for the long haul Knowing these details that he’s 41 and him calling you his love story sheds a differnt light for me on this. Again I am not an expert on him, but this is the general conclusion I am drawing.



  119.  #119Maria on May 9, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    Well, Apple J, he is divorced once (from non indian) has no children, and his mother wishes he could have them. Probably there will be arranged marriage soon.



  120.  #120Apple Jacks on May 9, 2010 at 11:45 pm

    Oh wow, so he’s already been divorced from a non-Indian. Yeah I’m getting the vibe that you should move on, Maria. He’s not in it for the long haul.



  121.  #121Maria on May 9, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    Apple J, thanks, l was kind of hoping, someone from Indian culture could step up and explain me more. See, my western friends are straigt – he is an *** drop him like hot potatoe, look what he is putting you through. And in most of the standards and cases they would probably be right. (How many of my friends, mainly male friends, have doubted about my mind being straight on this )
    But not this time. This is not the case at all. This time it is, indeed, about understanding, thats why l posed the question in a first place. I have asked him to tell me, if it would be better, if l leave out of the picture, considering of another big crisis he has in family, and my orn little crisis about our relationship obviously adds the fuel.
    He has not replied yet.



  122.  #122Maria on May 9, 2010 at 11:54 pm

    OK, can you explain me more, Apple J, about the divorce backround what you mentioned? (l known him for 4 years, but was dating someone else in meantime)
    We all have done mistakes, havent we?



  123.  #123Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 12:03 am

    There’s nothing wrong with him being divorced on the greater scheme of things but that certainly does complicate the situation especially if she was a non-Indian to begin with. In the Indian culture divorce alone is frowned upon and one of the familial objections to marrying outside the ethnicity is that “divorce is more likely.” He most likely went through great pains to convince his family about the first marriage (I’m just painting a scenario here, I don’t know for sure) and when that did not work out, he’s stuck in a box not just from his family but himself. He may have a pre-concieved idea, but this did not work the first time I should be arranged. His family may be echoing those sentiments. Again this is all my guess from my experience and know the psychology and dynamics of the culture.



  124.  #124Tina on May 10, 2010 at 12:29 am

    Maria, he doenst want to hurt your feelings, it doesnt mean he wants to marry , well as far as I can tell, he is saying no, find another man. The guy I was with for 1 1/2 years said, Let’s take it one day at a time. That was his way of saying , I cant do relationship with you or forever after with you. I can but just not with you Tina. What a wake up call that was. I still feel sad on occasion , but with these tools, I dont feel so bad for so long. Circular dating as far as I know doesnt mean you have to date a bunch of men either. You start by dating yourself 🙂 and that is a lot of fun.



  125.  #125Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:29 am

    Mary – actually Apple Jacks said.. he does not NOT love you.. as in he loves u. which i felt triggered by. as in how does she know.

    just because we can understand his responsibilities means he loves her?



  126.  #126Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:30 am

    i feel guilty now of saying that… grrr

    i feel like judging myself for pointing things out



  127.  #127Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:33 am

    I feel triggered. Rori’s tools are not “simple tactics.”

    grrrr.

    They are a way to take care of ourselves and grow in our feminine power.

    They are not a way to MAKE a man do anything.

    They are a way to take care of ourselves… and doing so makes us more attractive to all men.



  128.  #128Tina on May 10, 2010 at 12:35 am

    Understanding blah



  129.  #129Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:40 am

    Thinking all about him and being all in his business, even if we have great experience, is NOT something that Rori teaches…

    that is even if i know a man and his family intimately, and all the psychological dynamics etc, maybe i grew up with them, they’re the same ethnicity as me, etc etc,

    well as much as we can think this person thinks that and this person thinks this

    WE SIMPLY DON’T KNOW AND ARE JUST GUESSING

    analyzing him and potentialities doesn’t work!

    Rori’s tools WORK!

    If I were very interested in my man’s culture, jsut to be interested, I would ask him. That would be respectful.

    Analyzing from the outside is just NOT OUR BUSINESS, especially if its because we WANT something, and not out of curiosity.

    but yes, I know many of us are in the habit of doing this, consciously and unconsciously

    when we start moving away from that and turn the focus on ourselves, thats when we start feeling our feelings, start healing… and amazingly start getting the results we want in our love lives

    Please stay on your bridge.

    Read Rori’s materials.

    I would talk to my man (speech) – this is not a tactic but NECESSARY COMMUNICATION IN A RELATIONSHIP.

    I’m feeling so frustrated!



  130.  #130Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:41 am

    Tina Tina how I’ve missed you.



  131.  #131Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:44 am

    I’m great at analyzing. I could have told you most of what Apple Jacks said (probably minus the beautiful touches – just by educated guessing from limited experience). I can tell you what all my guy friends think, what my former lovers think, what etc etc

    thinks

    and I will most likely be spot on

    except taht I WILL JUST BE GUESSING

    and I WILL GET NOWHERE

    because its all IN MY BRAIN

    and attracting men does not happen from USING MY HEAD

    (not to mention that my thoughts influence my reality so my guesses are bound to come true, yet they and reality would shift as i shifted my thoughts)



  132.  #132Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:46 am

    I feel so judgemental of myself!!! omgosh. I love my feelings of judgement on myself and others. I feel scared and sad. And i love my feeling of feeling scared and sad.

    And i feel ANGRY. and i love my feeling of anger.

    that feels like a sigh.



  133.  #133Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:48 am

    Do you think that being in feminine energy will attract men from all corners of the planet ??

    Yes.

    Being feminine attracts Masculine.

    Tadah.



  134.  #134Tina on May 10, 2010 at 12:51 am

    Daria, I feel like I “went away” sniff, I missed you too. I feel so glad to be back and relieved. My world sucks right now well kinda, I feel pissed and I want to kick some ass 🙂 I’ve been using this great tool I read it hear, an affirmation, Something beautiful will happen today 🙂 even though I’m in the middle of my shitty ness , I feel great 🙂 anyway, I have to go lay down and do some riffing or whatever. I feel so angry I want to beat up a tree, I just feel afraid , I’ll look like a psycho doing it. Crazy pyscho native american woman beating up a tree lol



  135.  #135Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:53 am

    AHA!

    I too do the understanding thing. When it comes to why men of certain cultures go to jail and or aren’t financially stable.

    UMM BUT BUT… but … its cause of the culture barriers.. I SEE THEM.

    Ok.

    Thanks mirror.

    I love my feeling of culture barriers and I now choose whats most healing for me.

    bUT BUT… i don’t want to close my eyes ot cultures and culture barriers and injustice…

    I want to passion on melting them!

    yes…

    and that is

    my purpose

    and when it comes to a MAN

    I want what i want. right?

    oh noooo… that doesn’t feel safe!!!! That feels scary…
    I feel guilty I feel guilty I feel guilty

    I think I’m being insensitive, I think I’m being uncaring, I think I’m being not understanding…

    well I love u

    and that’s ok…

    i mean… if someone was deciding to be a celibate monk, I would have to well… move on

    because he’s deciding to be a celibate monk, even if I of course respect his religion and etc…

    it’s not what i want in relationship

    in relationship i want a man that can support me and a family

    BUT BUT

    I’m only gonna get wimpy guys I can’t feel proud of and I’m not attracted to that way

    Thank you for showing me this.

    And I choose to let that one fall to pieces… melt them down… and make a pretty glass necklace that says

    I will instead get brave men I feel proud of that I feel unimaginably attracted to

    yay!!!



  136.  #136Tina on May 10, 2010 at 12:53 am

    I love my feelings of rage, I love my feelings of wanting to set the world on fire again. up in smoke poof gone. fck you woman beater man!



  137.  #137Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:55 am

    lol! Tina!!! haha!!! i love trees they talk to me and calm me down

    Crazy wannabe native american girl thinking she talks to trees hehe

    I love my judgement of myself!!!



  138.  #138Tina on May 10, 2010 at 1:06 am

    My neighbor said to me , well Tina , they come to the table with their big balls and he made gestures of putting reallly big balls on the table lol, i said well I am at a disadvantage, I dont have balls, he said well you have to grow some ugh! i don want to grow balls. Balls are great, just rather have them well ya know 🙂 whatever. good night!



  139.  #139Maria on May 10, 2010 at 4:43 am

    Right, of course, as you sirens predicted, he left me. Im devastated, l need a hug and obviously l wasnt worth enough for him.
    Time for get my bones together and get some more life.



  140.  #140mary on May 10, 2010 at 4:53 am

    It seems to me that it takes a lot of masculine energy to not be understanding, to take things at face value, to be able to just look at actions and move on quickly. Men do that all the time. They make quick decisions and move on. They call a deal breaker a deal breaker. They don’t over analyze. They just do it and stuff their feelings. They don’t need to understand.

    So the man says “let’s just take it one day at a time,” and we say, “oh. okay! sure.” and we go home and call it a day. we hardly think about him at all. we’re full of ourselves. we get involved with whatever we’re doing at the moment. life is good. we immediately post our profiles online and call all of our friends to tell them we’re available. then we hit the sack. tomorrow is a new day.

    And we’re supposed to be able to do those things in our feminine energy?

    Just wonderin’.



  141.  #141mary on May 10, 2010 at 4:54 am

    mary contrary.



  142.  #142Maria on May 10, 2010 at 4:59 am

    Mary, answer to your question – no.



  143.  #143Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 9:27 am

    No you guys are right, because I can;t know weather he loves her or not. From what I gathered and experiencing this many many times within my culture, people sacrifice who they are “in love” with allt he time for family responsibility. I felt that in his case this might be true, but again like I said over and over that I’m not an expert on him either. Then the details came that he was married before and all of that other stuff….the truth is that there is way too much going on with this man and it would be best if Maria moves on, in my opinion.



  144.  #144Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 9:35 am

    I also want to clarify I was not nanyalyzing him for the sake of understanding his side, I was just presenting some insight to the culture because Maria seemed in the dark and she’d be able to do what she wants to do. It really wasn’t about him per say. It was just that when she said Indian culture and all of that, I related to it really well and wanted to present it. Just that if she knows what it is, then it would be easier for her to know what she wants out of the situation. Like I siad, I was also triggered when I read he was of the Indian culture, so that’s why I went on explaining it and myself. That wasn’t about him, that was about me.



  145.  #145Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 9:44 am

    Feeling pretty misunderstood and stupid for even bothering.

    I love this opportunity to get familiar with my triggers, even if the feeling isn’t good.



  146.  #146Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 9:53 am

    I feel like beating myself up for discussing the culture

    I feel ashamed for not being in my feminine energy enough.

    I feel like I should have just buttoned up and kept quiet.

    I feel a tightness in my chest and like screaming

    Feel my heart beat fast and hard as if it is going to burst through

    Now I feel calm….

    Feeling a little more familiar with these feelings…



  147.  #147Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 9:59 am

    I feel a lot better now, calm and peaceful. Still a bit triggered, but more serene.



  148.  #148Daria on May 10, 2010 at 10:08 am

    Mary – yes. With a huge difference: we feel and sink into our feelings. ThAt’S what the energy we used to spend analyzing him is used for…practicing undoing our old habits (yes it does take energy until they’re undone) , finding ways to mother ourselves, and doing our out the windoW passions.

    Yes we do get to a place where heartbreak heals in a few days a few cries and a message. Even when we felt close to a man and considered him for forever.

    This is how I felt the past few days I felt love and considered 4ever w a man. And now I feel happy again.

    I am on the bridge to my happiness. ThAt is what I want with a wonderful man and so I feel reassured I will have it not by diving after him but because he will come to me on my bridge. Even the diving men usually come back. When they know they can offer me way I want ( another reason I feel ressured).



  149.  #149Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 10:10 am

    I feel defiant now…yikes these feelings…

    I LOVE my boy energy.

    I LOVE my analytical skills

    I LOVE my empathy and understanding bred by my culture.

    I LOVE my triggers

    I LOVE my feelings of nuturing and caring

    I LOVE BEING nurturing and caring

    And I LOVE ME. HA!

    I LOVE BOTH my masculine and feminine enrgies and I love learning these tools.



  150.  #150Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Gosh I feel exhausted. Triggers are draining.



  151.  #151Daria on May 10, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Apple Jacks – i’ve found that the exhaustion while riffing is a feeling (perhaps froma past trauma experience etc doesnt matter) that i can riff like any other… the best is to riff and stop on a good feeling

    I feel gulity and a bit defensive reading that you felt stupid and misunderstood.

    I felt touched by beauty and fascinated by the posts about your culture.

    What you shared was beautiful in and of itself.

    Not necessarily just in relation to a man.



  152.  #152Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 11:00 am

    The posts of the culture were not supposed to be in any way in “relation” to defending the man in any way. It was just a presentation of the dynamics of the culture and how they are still really in tact today and how heavy the “man’s” role tends to be.

    I feel an urge to seize any opportunity to explain my culture and the dynamics whenever presented because I feel fearful that maybe it will die and the protections and care that it offers women and our mothers will dissipate. Maybe that is why I feel the urge to present the man’s side of his role even more fervently, because I have seen them really get misunderstood and that makes me feel sad.

    I feel guilty that I did not say in the post above, “please realize that he does not ‘necessarily’ not love you.” Instead I typed “please realize he does not NOT love you.” Truth is I don’t know for sure. He may be in HIS OWN IDEA of what love is, but that does not mean it is right for Maria.

    I feel bad that you feel guilty, Daria.

    I feel very grateful for the opportunity presented on this post to feel triggered and freely feel whatever I was feeling in the moment because I always gloss over my feelings to keep the peace. Today I was able to use this to allow myself that chance and feel excited about getting more in touch with it as time goes on. I’ve been feeling numb and observant for a long time, I feel like stepping and yelling all the I feels I can handle and I feel very sincerely grateful to you for helping me in this journey.

    I truly feel good and relaxed right now and part of a “team.” I know we shouldn’t tell each other how to feel, but I hope your guilty feeling does not last long. As you said, this is a place to learn new habits and undo our old ones. I feel very open to this and touched by your words and feelings. 🙂 I feel good and grateful for this thread and the realization that I may be on the verge of a breakthrough that I can’t help but smile really wide.



  153.  #153Daria on May 10, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Apple Jacks –

    hehe! yeah im working with a trigger where i feel like im a jail enforcer walking around throwing heavy gates and bars on people

    like NO YOURE wRONG

    woopish with my whip

    i feel powerful and cold and unsympathetic and it feels weird



  154.  #154Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 11:22 am

    OMG I just had an A-HA moment. I knew that I was feeling triggered when I was posting about my culture but I wasn’t clear why.

    I was feeling triggered because I am very protective of my culture and the male roles of it because I feel very strongly that if this dies and sons stop caring for their mothers, we’d have a lot of uncared for elderly mothers out there and that makes me so sad. Because I fear judgements from women of the western cultures who might be in love with an Indian man who may feel this sense of responsibility.

    I was triggered by MY NEED to CONTROL the OUTCOME! The outcome as in, I felt I needed to quickly jumpt into explanation about the culture before Maria and others could have the chance to make what I feared, “potential judgements” about it. YIKES! I am taken aback that I realized this. I feel very ashamed.

    I would not have come to this if I had not been triggered by all your posts and given myself the opportunity to get in my feelings.

    I feel judgemental and aghast at myself and my need to control, but I also love my shame, judgement and controlling self.

    I feel so light and liberated

    And I feel so grateful to you all!

    I feel like crying tears of joy. I don’t know why everytime I want to cry the tears don’t come, but I feel confident little by little. YAY Rori’s tools. YAY all of you, YAY my culture and YAY me. Lo., I feel like a second grader.



  155.  #155Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 11:24 am

    That was supposed to read LOL above *rollz eyez at myself*



  156.  #156Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 11:25 am

    YIPPPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!!! I FEEL SO HAPPY I WANNA HUG AND KISS EVERY SINGLE SIREN ON HERE!!!! LOL!!!

    I feel Open

    I feel vulnerable

    I feel feminine

    I FEEL LIKE A GIRL



  157.  #157Daria on May 10, 2010 at 11:31 am

    yay Apple JAcks!! It feels bad to read bout you rolling eyez at yourself!! no no…

    and yes yes about feeling great!!



  158.  #158Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 11:34 am

    Thanks Daria! Now about you feeling like a jail enforcer…Eh, pat yourself on the back a little bit. If it weren’t for your “jail enforcing” I wouldn’t be breaking free right now. Gosh, I’m in shock…but in a good way! Being a woman is awesomely deep!



  159.  #159Daria on May 10, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Thanks Apple Jacks –

    now only for me to feel GOOD about it instead of feeling guilty



  160.  #160Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    Daria – ((((Hugs)))) Not to make you not feel what you’re feeling, but because I feel moved at your openness and feelings.

    This is going to sound random and I guess I feel like being random…but I will never watch reality T.V. again! I already don’t, but stupid Celebrity Apprentice triggered me all night last night! Stupid fucking show.



  161.  #161Maria on May 10, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    As said before, l wont feel trigered by AJ post at all. All indians get a bit defensive ( he did, too)
    Truth is now l dont know how to go on, the pain is so huge, that lm thinking rather it woudl be better if l wont be alive.



  162.  #162Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Apple Jacks – I love Project Runway and seeing them make those awesome clothes. I feel awed and inspired.!!

    And i love For the Love of Ray J and watching relationship dynamics, and more recently cuz of Rori The Bachelor.

    What triggered you in Celebrity Apprentice?



  163.  #163Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    WHOA — well i feel triggered big time by the All indians get a bit defensive bit… wtf?

    I feel flabbergasted

    even if it were true ( i don’t know) that potentially in a culture people were likely to have certain habitual reactions… it really feels weird to read it written out that way

    besides, Apple Jacks did not even get a bit defensive . She didn’t get defensive at all actually,

    and much less than one can expect from someone of any culture.

    I feel … I think i should feel pist… but what i feel is shock.



  164.  #164Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    The murky waters of noticing , or stereotyping, labeling, expecting, understanding…

    dum dum dum…

    i want to make Maria wrong, and then I notice that i sometimes make generalizations about culture too…

    jsut liek Apple Jacks was making generalizations based on her experience… but those felt compassionate and interesting

    while what Maria wrote feels removed and triggering



  165.  #165Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Yeah, I’m a bit triggered too. There are some who do feel triggered but quite a many that I know that don’t at all. His feeling defensive is about him, and depends on what he is feeling defensive about.

    Maria, you’re not thinking of hurting yourself are you? Your last sentence is making me feel panicky.

    Daria, I feel encouraged and supported by you.

    I have never seen project runway but it sounds interesting. What triggerd me on the apprentice was Cyndi Lauper’s firing and how she has been treated by Holly Robinson Peete. Because she is a more creative and free thinking, people have this idea that she is like a seven year old child who needs to be baby sat, and she always delivers good work. They were supposed to decorate apartments and Holly was the PM. All her rooms were not liked at all by the executives. She put Cyndi in charge of hte celebrity room and they loved her room, yet she gets fired because she does not speak in a way that is considered “tactical.” WTF??? Even on the last few challenges it was HER work that would stand out to executives. Is this what it means to be in the business world, back biting, manipulating, being passive/aggressive and taking credit for other peoples work adn someone who does not do that is “tactically wrong” and shoudl be fired??? I’m so in my head right now lol, this is a great opportunity to get into my feelings. Will try to right now and post them….



  166.  #166Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    Maria, please check back I’m feeling worried especially after reading your last sentence.



  167.  #167EarthDancer on May 10, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    #139 & 161 Maria:
    “Right, of course, as you sirens predicted, he left me. Im devastated, l need a hug and obviously l wasnt worth enough for him”

    Mary, sending many, many hugs to you … I feel sad to hear you say you weren’t worth enough for him 🙁 HE was not worthy of your Goddess-y beautiful Self!!!!! He is NOT your Mr. Right!!! I’m feel SO sorry for your pain 🙁 I feel teary along side of you …

    Please read Rori’s posts on circular dating (CD); all of us have made the mistake of investing our hearts & souls in a relationship before a man is committed to us … but we are LEARNING to be Sirens baby step by baby step …

    Use Rori’s tool of sinking to the floor and really FEELING YOUR PAIN, and it will start to feel better. Then, start by taking care of (dating) yourself first, then start CD’ing with EVERY person you meet (practice, practice, practice) and your pain will begin to slowly ebb away … xoxo



  168.  #168Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    Checking in for Maria….please say something.



  169.  #169Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    Mary, RE: #19 – Man with a Plan

    I think when a man says, “Would you like to go to Such-and-Such?” it’s their way of respecting YOUR likes and desires. I mean, as long as he’s suggesting a place, isn’t that cool? When my man used to say, “Where do you want to go?” I’d answer, “Wherever YOU want to go!” One time we were in New York City, and we going to walk around. The hotel desk clerk offered him a small map. When they offered me one, I smiled, “No thanks!” Then I intentionally let him lead, even when we got lost and he had us going this way and that. I could tell that he enjoyed that.



  170.  #170mary on May 11, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    thanks brenda.



  171.  #171Maria on May 12, 2010 at 1:18 am

    Hi, Apple Jacks. Im slowly getting back to life. Appeared, that a man l was opening my heart to had already been arranged since september 2009. And he told me about our future together. After he broke up with me in 2008, l should have been wiser.
    l am trying to do everything l can now to get better.



  172.  #172Maria on May 12, 2010 at 6:38 am

    I have my biggest fear coming up…what if NO MAN wants to commit to ME? How to cure your deepest fear…



  173.  #173Apple Jacks on May 12, 2010 at 9:36 am

    Maria, I’m so glad you’re alive and breathing. I’m so sorry about what this man did to you. I feel a fire rage of anger towards him.

    We are all here for you. feel you about you’re fear of “what if no man wants to commit to me.” I also feel confident that you WILL overcome that and find exactly what you’re looking for.

    I am so relieved you came back.



  174.  #174Maria on May 12, 2010 at 10:03 am

    I just do not see actually what was he doing, why was he doing. lm so blind, l cudnt see, and l am messed up, wether its an indian thing mixed with big stupidity, how did l ever ended up with this again….lm trying to slowly now to come back to life. its hard and l dont know what to do with my pain, but lm taking a deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep beath again…



  175.  #175Apple Jacks on May 12, 2010 at 10:10 am

    Hi Maria,

    I wished he could take some accountability for his own choices and decisions here instead of pinning it on his family obligations and parents. If this were the case in the first place he should not have engaged your heart. He married a woman his parents wanted him to and had that taste of honey he craved with you, and really that’s not fair to either one of you women and it’s really annoying to hear him act like he’s doing it for his parents but that’s my anger and opinion talking. I was triggered by his note to you, obviously.

    But alas, at least now it’s done now. Once you start Cicular Dating and practicing Rori’s tools, a whole world will open up to you again and really help you heal from this excruciating pain. I feel really sad and hurt for you and my heart goes out to you.



  176.  #176Maria on May 12, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Well, lm glad you pointed that out. I was not sure if our of the respect of indian families, a man still can do that? I cannot distinquish, is it a community duty or just a male character trying to hide behind the elderly situation, but the guy has 3 sisters and 1 brother, parents seem to be in hospital dying every time it happens.
    I cant see, if its an “indian thing” or a “male thing.” the only thing l know is that l felt not safe.



  177.  #177Apple Jacks on May 12, 2010 at 10:21 am

    Maria, don’t worry about his “Indian” thing. In the end we are all acountable for the choices WE make. What you experienced with this man, from what I THINK, isn’t totally unique you know? Women everyday get their hearts broken for one reason or another from men. It’s just this man’s reasoning was his family, another’s might be his “demanding career” or their “fear of commitment” and a whole slew of things.

    I have no doubt Rori’s tools be of so much help to you. They’ll help you find you and help you harness your true energy and how its aligned with the world surrounding you (boy energy). We’re all here for you.



  178.  #178Apple Jacks on May 12, 2010 at 10:27 am

    I wanted to say whatever and however what he did was all about HIM. It does not matter what his culture may be, so I’d just go ahead and put the whole weather it his “Indian thing” or not, or “male thing” or not aside. The truth is you’re broken hearted and in pain, go with that.

    I feel guilty because I feel like I’m way too in my boy energy here and that’ Rori’s place…

    I don’t feel good discussing the culture anymore especially in terms of this situation because really, any situation without the culture factor can also match this particular case. Wanna step back and let Rori take over if she can.



  179.  #179Maria on May 12, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Yes, again, not wanted to say anything bad about the culture. Thats why he also got nervous and upset, when l put it all down to HIS actions, and that was the time, he put THE CULTURE on the table. Thats why l first posted the question here in a first place, because l thought lm really missing some links about the culture.

    I apologize.



  180.  #180Maria on May 12, 2010 at 10:50 am

    If Rori decides to create a post out of it l can give my agree, Maybe it helps someone out there. Im so devastated that l dont wish that pain to anyone.



  181.  #181Apple Jacks on May 12, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Maria, NO DON’T APOLOGIZE! I just felt myself really heavily getting into my head, it was nothing you said. Your question didn’t trigger me at all.



  182.  #182Simply Shannon on May 12, 2010 at 11:50 am


  183.  #183Teri on June 29, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    I have been listening to both Targeting Mr Right and Modern Siren, and really wanted to get a lot of my old garbabe out, I realized that I had been stuffing my fears down and just everything, thinking I was being strong, and doing what I needed to do for my family and my job, ect. Well I was in a relationship that I new I couldn’t have, such as it’s underline appeal. but then my feelings started to change, It felt wonderful and I found myself wanting more of it. Then just like my old self I started to think I could make him fall in love with me, ha ha ha, after listening to your tapes I now “SEE” my paterns and things I do to make myself my own victim, thinking I was doing the right thing and growing from the experiance, I wrote him a letter, Since I hadn’t seen him in almost two months. told him how I was getting in touch with myself and how I realized the things I do, and used all kinds of feeling messages. about how hurt I was, how angry I was, and actually thanked him for coming into my life and opening up a whole new path for me. I felt released, I felt open and valurible, I felt free from a lot of feelings I had stuffed down for at least the past year I had been with him, maybe even longer, since it really wasn’t about him persay. this was sat, 26th. tonight I got a letter back….. I could feel the anger, I was told that he was sorry for hurting me, then I was told in blk in wht, that he told me a couple of times that he didn’t want a relastionship with me and that it was because our personalities didn’t match and if I had a problem with the friends with benifits then I should have said something about it.. Now I feel hurt, angry sad, and abandoned. I was at dinner with a friend, and realized I need to run.. hide so that I didn’t cry in front of her. She knows what I am doing. So I just told her that I needed to go cry and told her good bye for the evening, and went to my car and cryed.. not really being able to feel it I cryed again when I got home and was able to kneel by the bed, and let my shoulders drop.. cryed hard for a few mins, then still felt like running so I went to take a bath, cried some more.. and even sitting here at my computer, wanting to run, and knowing I can’t hide or it will be just the same old stuffing it down I was doing before.. I feel scared. I don’t know what to do. I want to be happy, I want a man to love me, but i feel scared and alone, I feel afraid I am gonna try to be tough and hook up with one of the men or all of them for that matter, and have sex to take the pain away. my question is what do I do now.. I feel I am in a state of panic.. looking to run and hide, wanting to face my fears but I feel unarmed. am I doing the right things or just making them worse?
    Thank you
    Teri



  184.  #184Rori Raye on June 30, 2010 at 9:20 am

    Teri – welcome, and if you can just look at each piece of this as an experiment – an opportunity for you to learn about yourself and what works and doesn’t work. Clearly – the letter didn’t work the way you wanted because he didn’t respond the way you wanted – so – next time – you won’t actually SEND the letter! You’re done with this man. Circular Dating and Targeting Mr. Right is the cure here – let us know how you’re doing! Love, Rori



  185.  #185Andrea on September 1, 2010 at 4:22 am

    I am having a dilemma. I have met a man. And when I met him, I had no feelings of attraction to him. Then one day, (we take a bootcamp class at the gym) I wanted him to notice me. So I talked to him on occasion and I guess you could say I leaned forward (sorry!). I ended up telling him we should get together at this concert near my home. That was it, he initiated the rest. For a moment in time, I wasn’t sure if he was into me, but then I quickly realized that I was wrong.

    The dilemma is I was attracted to him when I wasn’t sure that he liked me, but now he is really headed toward relationship territory. It feels like it came out of nowhere (this chain of events has happened within a month or less). One day we knew each from class, then we hung out once or twice and then boom, he’s holding my hand, kissing me, calling me babe, texting me daily, calling when he says he will call, cuddling on the couch, spending an entire weekend with me, bringing me dinner when I’m sick, being extremely thoughtful and nice, but he is not over bearing about it. Everything a woman wants from a man right? So why do I not feel attracted to him now? Is it because I always seem to be in toxic relationships or am I just not that into him? I almost feel like I’m the man in the relationship, I could take it or leave it. We hooked up one night and I didn’t feel anything, I could have gotten up and left and never called or he never call me and I would be fine. I don’t know that I want to be this way. I mean it’s wonderful not to feel desperate, but it’s horrible that I don’t feel anything.

    Should I give up on this? I don’t want to string him along. My ex did that to me, he strung me a long for 4 years even promises of marriage, but it was all lies. I am wondering if I now feel for this man the way my ex felt about me? I can’t be as cold or heartless as my ex which is why I’m seeking advice and feedback and any answers if you have them! Thank you!



  186.  #186Tamara on January 22, 2011 at 11:57 am

    it feels so good to be able to share this here. I am traveling and have been in one area for some time now, meeting fellow travelers, practicing leaning back,and feeling messages, which feels very good. Unexpectatly I ‘fell’ for a 10 year old younger guy and without being aware of it I have been investing in him emotionally after spending 2 days together with him and another friend.

    I observed myself becoming possessive, and projecting phantastic visions of us into the future – completely ignoring that he is not able to full fill my needs. Instead this part of me who loves adventure and thinks that the lifestyle he’s leading (he’s a musician and traveling without a plan) might be actually good for me to come into my full expression.

    At the moment I feel in such a weird place as we had as far as I perceived it beautiful moments of connection and I feel feelings for him that I have not felt for a very long time.
    As I am leaving soon and as it is much easier to go to the place were he stays – a beach – I went to see him full of expectations. As he did not ask me when we would see each other the next time – ‘just see you soon’ (which should have been a sign for me already, however he was very affectionate) – I ventured out to the area were I knew I would find him.

    Some of his travel friends had arrived on the same day. I did regret initiation the meeting several times as he did not give me the attention I was longing for even so he did take time to connect with me. I tried to lean as much back as possible but literally found my self completely leaning forward once we embraced each other.

    Shortly before I left and took the bus back he told me that he feels overwhelmed. He feels all the love I give him and he feels very good (grounded with me/in the moment) and very grateful for it but he also wants to be with his friends and free. I felt so stupid and I just couldn’t say anything other than I understand and a very short good by. Again he did not ask me when we would see each other again or even ask me for my e-mail but instead he said ‘see you soon’ again, I guess expecting me to see him again when I would be in the area/beach. Inside my child was crying when I waited alone for the bus at the bus stop and I very much regretting that I had come to visit him.

    I also feel a bit weird posting this here – somehow I feel like a teenage girl – dreaming about a meaningless holiday beach romance – but this man really touched me and I felt we had a very deep connection. At least I practiced a lot of feeling messages with him and I had the feeling he was able to open up with me.

    I decided now to not go and see him for at least two days, but I want to see him again before I leave as this connection is somehow very special for me.

    I have planned in other things to do for today and tomorrow, but I feel a bit childish, like one part of me is punishing him now by not coming to the beach soon and I feel a bit confused about all the feelings which have been coming up – really strong ones, which I feel quiet overwhelmed by.

    I started circular dating before I went traveling and I have two man I am communicating via email and seeing again soon – but somehow this one is the one I have not been treating like the other ones and I can feel how its throwing me off balance.
    I feel weak and I do not like that feeling at all. I feel my neediness for his love and affection, for his caring and I feel confused as I don’t really know how he feels. May be all the deep feelings were just mine and for him it was nothing special at all.

    So I wonder how I should be and feel – yes that’s How my pattern is – or that is how I am operating in those situations. I project myself into the future and wonder how I Should feel, and how I should behave. I feel so insecure and at the moment I feel really overwhelmed and weak. I don’t know if I should share my feelings of feeling overwhelmed and weak with him or keep it light. However I can feel myself closing down after this experience and just thinking about meeting him and pretending that I don’t care makes me feel sad.

    I would feel grateful for any comments and feedback.
    Thank you



  187.  #187Rick on October 10, 2011 at 9:42 am

    I am a man, I saw your site and thought a woman would probably be my best help. So here it goes. I am married
    for 27 years. For the past 10 years my wife and I grew apart. We talked about it, went for counseling and realized we are not in love any more. We live like best friends and roommates. Not like a husband and wife. My wife also over these 10 years has lost interest in sex, she blames it on early menopausal issues. So we decided to divorce. We are both fine in all this. Here is the problem, I met a woman 4 years ago and started a friendship with her that grew into a love relationship between us. Even though it was against both our principles we made love and fell in love. My girlfriend knew all up front,except shethought our divorce would have been faster, which is my fault because I wanted my wife to initiate the process. Before I met this woman four years ago my wife said she wanted a divorce.
    So I waited for her to initiate the process, not knowing I would fall for another woman. The reason for the delay in our divorce was financial, too many things hit all at once.
    You name it it happened, my daughter was going to college, the economy got bad, my investments tanked on me, and job loss. So now I am in the process of my divorce but my girlfriend feels she fell out of love with me. She feels I should have moved it faster for us to be together. Now she tells me that she does not want sex which we have been holding off of any way and says get the divorce and we will see how she feels after this. Now in between all this she has been true to me and I true to her. She mentioned that somebody was interested in courting her and asked me how I felt? I said I am in love with her and her only and asked her not to let anybody in between.
    I want to marry her and have a family with her. So far she has not let anybody in. As per her request, she just wants to see eachother as friends which is what we are doing. We get together play tennis, go to a movie, have dinner etc. Her rule is no intamacy till I am divorced, I agreed. I am in love with her no doubt, I know she loves me no doubt.
    I just wonder can she fall back in love with me? How do I handle this? I don’t want to lose her. How do I keep her without pressuring her? I don’t want to smother her yet I want her to know I am there for her. How do I reassure her of this as I go through the process of divorce. I am finding my relationship with her tougher than the divorce because as a man I don’t know if I am reading her right. I lover so much and she knows it, yet I feel I could lose her if I don’t play my cards right. I hope you can help me. Signed, Rick, A man lost in love as he goes through a divorce.



  188.  #188Daria on October 10, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Rick – hi. It sounds like you’re doing great actually. She was probably feeling insecure that you took so long. That is a long time for a woman to wait for a man. Keep reassuring that you love her, thinking up ways to please her, and once your divorce is final see how it goes, perhaps even propose if you are in love and ready to commit your life to her.

    If you want to contact Rori directly so she can answer you can reach her assistant at melanie@coachrori.com

    If you would like to keep communicating with us commenters on the blog, go to blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com, and post under the LATEST article. It’s not likely that many people will see your post here, everyone usually writes under the latest article as soon as it’s posted.



  189.  #189Rick on October 11, 2011 at 11:53 am

    Dear Daria:

    Thank you very much, I will do that. I hope like you say doing great, sometimes it does not feel that way.
    Like the other day, I wanted to surprise her and just take a ride down the beach with her. So, she was supposed to be out with her friends at a party. When I called, she asnwered and thought I was checking up on her. I said no, I thought you were out with your firends like you told me and figured the next day was going to be nice would you like to take a ride down the shore. So she explained that she was not feeling well (PMS) and thought I was checking up on her. How the heck is a guy supposed to know that, when all I wanted to do was surprise her for the next day. I did not know when she would be home, so I thought the best thing was leave a message so she could make up her own mind if she wanted to go with me. Because she has to plan and schedule everything, I was just being mindful of her time and schedule. So, hence we did not go for she did not feel well. The I asked if I could take her to Halloween party at a nice club/restaurant and she said yes. Like why do women put us through hell, when all we want to do is love all over them. It is very confusing.



  190.  #190maxine on June 13, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    its just so hard to have my actions guided by fear but its even harder not to…it takes work