Is Your Man Just A “Snack”?

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Some men are relationship “lite.”

He’s charming, he’s lovely, he’s exactly what you want — only he’s really just a snack.

He doesn’t really “get” what it is you want.

He doesn’t really understand the difference between himself — a freedom loving, fun, focused-on-work-and-his-own-stuff kind of guy — and you, a girl.

So, if you’re head over heels for a man who’s frustrating you beyond all reason — even though you’ve let him know so many times what it is you need — perhaps he’s really just a snack.

So… how does this work?

And why are you so angry with him?

Let’s say you’re at a fine restaurant with some friends and you order the most perfect steak — not pasta — but the most perfect, huge, wonderful steak or beautiful fish or grand meal complete with appetizers, champagne, baked potato, beautifully cut vegetables.

Now…imagine the waiter brings you a hamburger patty, french fries and some potato salad.

Let’s take this a step further –  you eat it!

You talk with your friends, and you eat your hamburger and potato salad and french fries. And while you’re eating this snack — you’re also complaining the whole time to your girlfriends about how the waiter made a mistake, how the patty isn’t even cooked decently, how the french fries are so oily, and how nobody ever gets your order right.

You stand up and wave at the waiter, and when he comes over you yell at him for bringing you this horrible meal.

And he says to you — “Well that’s the best I can do. “

And so you go —  “Okay…” — and you keep eating it.

Only — you keep eating it and you keep complaining about it, too.

You keep being upset about how this happened to you, how nobody ever gets it right for you, how – even though you explained your dinner so perfectly to the waiter, even though you waited for them to cook it so wonderfully, even though you saved up your money for this wonderful restaurant – they still bring you this kind of crap.

Is this you with your man?

You thought he was going to be the full meal but he turned out to be this sort of fairly basic, well… snacky food?

At this point – the only question you want to ask is one to yourself:  What am I doing still eating it?

Why aren’t I asking the waiter for a new dinner, or leaving the restaurant and finding another?

Is it because you’re afraid it’ll take too much time? Are you afraid that because he screwed up once it’s not going to work out well –  ever?

Are you just too hungry to care?

Well here are your options:

1. You can sit there and eat the meal as it’s handed to you but you don’t get to complain about it.

2. You can send it back and get the meal you ordered or

3. You can get up, have them put the snack in a doggie bag,  go to a different restaurant and get the meal you want (let’s say a full steak, not a chopped meat patty), and then you can still save your snack, still in its doggie bag, for later. Or for when there isn’t another meal easily around you. You can always snack on your french fries and potato salad and chopped meat patty.

How about that?

So – can you put the man that you have now who’s sort of… snack like…in your doggie bag – and then go to another restaurant? You know… keep the doggie bag in your purse?

I love this image. Yeah, it’s not completely thought out, but I just used it with a client and thought it was a really fabulous.

I know that thinking about a man you’ve invested so much time and heart and energy in for anywhere from a month to many years doesn’t feel good thought of as a snack in a doggie bag – but that’s the only way you can make it to where you want to go.

Maybe the man you’re with just needs a little time. Maybe he needs a year to grow up. Maybe he needs to see the world a little bit and realize what he would lose if he lost you. Maybe a chopped hamburger patty can grow into a steak.

But what are you supposed to do while he’s figuring that out?

Are you supposed to sit around and wait for him? Because I tell you this — if you sit around and wait for him to grow up you will go nuts. Your hormones will make you a crazy woman.

Yes, I can help you meditate. I can help you Circular Date by just dating yourself and flirting but not actually dating other men. Yes, I can help you develop your peacefulness and “work on yourself.” But it’s only a “stop-gap” maneuver.

I don’t want you to break up with your guy and leave him and feel awful and take up all that time feeling bad!

I want you to live fully with whatever’s happening. If he’s a snack, put him on the “back of your horse” and take him with you.

You don’t have to complain about him, you don’t have to try and fix him, you don’t have to try to explain to him why he needs to grow up and really really quickly. You don’t have to tell him one more time what it is you need and what it is you want. You don’t have to dump him.

Just put him in a doggie bag and take it with you. You could always use a snack.

And who knows – maybe one day through the magic of transformation you’ll look in that doggie bag one day and it’ll be an amazing gourmet meal!

Love Rori

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984 Comments

  1.  #1Diane on November 11, 2010 at 7:32 am

    Very nice analogy…I like it a lot. Rori does a great job of focusing women’s energies on the things they can control vs. those they can’t control. Since we can NEVER control another person, the focus is on building our boundaries to make smart decisions for ourself. This is in contrast to beating our heads against the wall, trying to get someone to treat us differently, meet our relationship expectations, say the right things to us, etc. Personal growth is about recognizing we are all responsible for ourselves and sometimes that means doing things that don’t make us feel good at the moment for the greater good of our overall happiness.



  2.  #2AmberS on November 11, 2010 at 8:13 am

    Rori,

    Thanks for this. It is exactly what I needed to read today. I have two first dates coming up this weekend. Both guys are stepping up. Both moving it along from email to phone to plans a week in advance. And yet I keep wishing ‘he’ would change my mind.

    I obviously haven’t left him behind. Not in my mind or heart. So yes. A doggie bag.

    And keep being open to the perfect vegan meal.

    I am acting on my own behalf for my highest good…



  3.  #3Turtle Girl on November 11, 2010 at 8:15 am

    This post reminds me of that book “Men Are Just Desserts” that came out years ago. Basically it’s message was get a full life and quit worrying about what the men are doing.

    Yeah, snack food. That’s all I am getting these days.
    On lots of dating sites and a big fat zero of quality men. Lots of men who I would never have as a partner/lover. Men who are dumb as two rocks.
    Men who weigh 300 lbs. Men with zero social skills.

    What is up with the ones who email you and say “Hi”.
    That’s it-one word-Hi. This drives me batty. So I send one back that says “Hi”. lol….I am NOT doing your work for you buddy…….

    Oh I am so not feeling very much friendly to the mens these days. I love my pissy unfriendly feelings.

    The thing about cold french fires and old snack food is that after a while you HAVE to throw it out. It’s rubber and dead and not worth eating………



  4.  #4Senior Lady Vibe on November 11, 2010 at 8:29 am

    Oops, not on top. I slipped off. hahaha. 😆



  5.  #5Turtle Girl on November 11, 2010 at 8:31 am

    And snack food? it makes you sick and fat and feel awful. It’s toxic for your health too. Hmmmmmm good analogy for men who are not what you need……..



  6.  #6Turtle Girl on November 11, 2010 at 8:32 am

    SLV!!!! Oh well #3 ain’t so bad………lol



  7.  #7Senior Lady Vibe on November 11, 2010 at 8:34 am

    😳 I didn’t know there was a new thread so reposting here. I hope these “smoking slow down” tips will be as helpful to other sirens as they were for me.

    @ BarbinOz says:

    “…PLEASE don’t ask about the cigs
    I failed miserably 🙁

    OK, I won’t “ask.” I was not mentioning it in order to “grill you.” I want to lend support. I “stopped smoking” MANY times!!!

    You have not failed. I would bet money that you smoked fewer cigarettes over some period of time lately, even if it was just a day or two…right?

    Barb, keep going until you find the things that work for you. I don’t even have a “day I quit” because I “re-started” so many times. And if I really wanted a cigarette now I’d have one! No biggie. I’ve just delayed smoking for years.

    I probably mentioned it earlier but if you knit, start a simple scarf or baby carriage cover and carry it around with you. When you want a cigarette, put a candy or mint or cinnamon gum in your mouth and allow yourself a cigarette only after you complete a few knitting rows. Knitting is VERY soothing and good for all kinds of thing (mind control… )

    When you finish your rows, and you don’t want a cigarette “all that much” see if you can skip it until your next “cigarette break.” You will smoke fewer that way.

    If you don’t knit, why not give it a try? It’s super!!! Don’t use those straight needles; much easier to use a circular one.

    SLV



  8.  #8Turtle Girl on November 11, 2010 at 8:37 am

    Oh yes, I quit smoking for years. Then picked it up again and had to quit again. My gf went to a hypno-therapist to quit and she has been quit for more than a year now. Worked great for her. Best hundred bucks she ever spent.



  9.  #9Honey on November 11, 2010 at 8:41 am

    BarbinOZ –

    “http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPYqR1cj2Vg

    LOVE IT, music to help us all connect………..we are all as one……..young and old, man and woman, black and white, race, religion, colour …….hey let’s not forget we are just all human beings…………

    I was never the hippy type, but LOVE, PEACE and HAPPINESS to everybody…………”

    OMG! You are the coolest person ever! I wish I could meet you in person.

    Music is my language and this is such a moving song. I’m not into rap usually, but I loved the updated version with what the rappers were saying. So moving. I feel tears in my eyes. This song touches my core. Guess it’s cuz I grew up in a hippie town. lol.

    My secret fantasy is to marry a wealthy philanthropist so I could put my energies toward working for so many causes that I believe in. Money would buy me freedom to do the things I believe in so strongly. Thank you for your beautiful post.



  10.  #10Honey on November 11, 2010 at 8:45 am

    SLV –

    Hugs about the smoking. I had a friend that used to be a smoker and drug user. He said quitting the cigs was waaaaaaay harder than any of the drugs.

    My dad took years to quit after many attempts. He watched brothers, sisters and a nephew die of cancer, and still he could not stop. My mom has severe asthma anHe used nicotein gum and patches for a long time and finally quit.

    Don’t give up.



  11.  #11Honey on November 11, 2010 at 8:47 am

    SLV –

    The first thing I did when I saw the new post was see if you were at the top! I wanted to scream, “NEW POST! SLV…GO, GO, GO…”

    LOL. Maybe I need to get a life!



  12.  #12Honey on November 11, 2010 at 8:51 am

    Hmmm. If I am feeding myself well, I won’t ever be so hungry that I settle for the “snack”…I will wait for the gourmet meal, Baby.



  13.  #13Mercedes on November 11, 2010 at 8:55 am

    LOL…I personally love this image (man who isn’t good enough in a doggie bag), but I just saw every man reading here cringe. If J reads it you’re going to lose a lot of credibility in his eyes… 🙂

    Just kidding…I think he’ll get the point, but we both hate when men create these images about women who aren’t good enough for them so I feel a bit off balance about liking this… oops…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  14.  #14AmberS on November 11, 2010 at 8:59 am

    SLV-

    I use these strategies to help me be less impulse controlled. For instance- wanting to email the old guy. I tell myself, OK, if you still want to, you can email him when you’ve done with your grocery shopping. And so if I’m still feeling compelled after shopping I’ll write the email and then tell myself, you can send this, if you still want to, when you’ve done your walk, etc.

    Now I’m learning to use my Rori sanctioned list to fill in the spaces and sometimes I don’t send the email, and sometimes I do. But by the time I get around to actually hitting that button I’ve looked closely enough at it to be okay either way.

    BTW- it’s so nice to ‘meet’ another siren that swims in the bit/byte ocean 🙂

    Amber



  15.  #15Meemee on November 11, 2010 at 9:01 am

    Honey
    I came home, cooked dinner and had my dinner with a friend. I am feeling less miserable now.
    I got time to check the blog only now. I am gonna sit and read your posts.
    Will reply shortly- in 20 min.
    Hope you will be around.
    Thanks for the posts.
    I cant wait to read them 🙂
    Much love
    Meemee



  16.  #16Honey on November 11, 2010 at 9:02 am

    Have a CD with a great guy tonight

    I feel a little uncomfortable with all his giving because he gives so MUCH. I think I’m uncomfortable because I have used giving and overfunctioning in the past to control my man. AND I am still learning to receive, but getting better at it.

    What I like about this CD is that I do not have to work at all. That feels great.

    He is taking me to a very nice restaurant tonight. Mmmm…



  17.  #17Honey on November 11, 2010 at 9:04 am

    Meemee –

    I have to leave shortly for awhile. Will try to wait, but if I have to go, I will respond when I get back.

    Glad you are feeling better and cannot wait to read your posts!



  18.  #18Senior Lady Vibe on November 11, 2010 at 9:10 am

    Rori Raye:

    “…So – can you put the man that you have now who’s sort of… snack like…in your doggie bag – and then go to another restaurant? You know… keep the doggie bag in your purse?…

    …Maybe the man you’re with just needs a little time. Maybe he needs a year to grow up.

    This is IT! So perfect. The perfect image!

    In my very first post on Rori blog, I put the guy on my horse, and left him sitting there while I went off to play. Yup, when I returned, he was still there, looking all silly–still on the horse. It’s MY HORSE, so the horse only goes where I want to go…
    but I really couldn’t see taking the horse down into the subway… 😯

    The “doggie bag” is wonderful for quick trips around town. I have a “bag of tricks” for coffee shop stops; now I can put him in there too! 😀

    Also, in a year, I’ll know better what I’m really hungry for… 😉

    Teehee 😆 I’m going to put a few reminders into an actual little zip lock bag and tuck the zip lock bag into my “run around town tote bag” …! This is going to be fun.

    Thanks, Rori.

    SLV



  19.  #19Honey on November 11, 2010 at 9:18 am

    Meemee –

    Change of plans. I will be around



  20.  #20Senior Lady Vibe on November 11, 2010 at 9:20 am

    @2: Turtle Girl says:

    “…Men who are dumb as two rocks…”

    Hahaha

    The thing about cold french fires and old snack food is that after a while you HAVE to throw it out. It’s rubber and dead and not worth eating………

    I’ll freeze dry the little sucker, should be good for a year… perhaps he could be reconstituted later… 😆

    SLV



  21.  #21Hadassah on November 11, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Holy CRAP this post fits my situation SO perfectly! This is a much better way of looking at this whole thing with my bf. He is a snack! I wont be all that into him. I wont take him into consideration when making life decisions. I will not worry about whether or not he will like my hair when I cut it and dye it. I will put ME first (well, me and my baby girl!) I enjoy his company, but I will only have it when I want it and when it makes me feel good and not like I am getting taken for granted.

    The whole reason he used to come over and and I would cook all the time was because I had no one to watch my baby girl. Now I do.

    He had all this talk about how he couldn’t WAIT to date me properly and take me out. Um yeah. We have gone out ONCE.

    And before, I would cook but he would buy the groceries. He hasn’t given me any money in weeks. I don’t like feeling like he comes over for dinner and to hook up when it is convenient for him, so I’m just not doing it anymore. Oh wow, you come let me cook for you. We snuggle. We fool around (yes it is a lot of fun and we are great together in bed so I like it to!) But I go to bed alone at night 6 nights a week most of the time.

    If we never spoke again, I wouldn’t even care at this point. I wouldn’t feel like I wasted my time, because I learned a lot – a great house, smile, fancy car, money, handsome man with fab abs, etc. and seems like the Mr. Perfect that any woman would be oh-so-lucky to have just seems like he feels like any woman would be lucky to have him! Um, no man, sorry. YOU are the one that is blessed enough to have ME. I am 10 years younger than you. I look great for my age (can pass for 20-21) I take awesome care of myself, am down to my college weight (post the freshman 15 which should be gone soon too!) and look and feel better than I have in YEARS! I am financially stable (finally!) I want a man that wants to take care of me, but knows I can take care of myself. He just seems interested in having a part time gf. Well, some women would be ok with that, but I am not.

    And I am ok with my not being ok with only being an afterthought. I’m GREAT with it! I LIKE looking at him as being a snack. I feel so… sassy. Like, what’s in this for me? If I don’t see what I am getting out of it, I wont see him. Sounds mean, but he isn’t doing the work to have me.

    I feel so much more empowered today. Like I am woman – hear me ROAR!



  22.  #22Senior Lady Vibe on November 11, 2010 at 9:31 am

    @10: Honey says:

    “…The first thing I did when I saw the new post was see if you were at the top! I wanted to scream, “NEW POST! SLV…GO, GO, GO…”
    LOL. Maybe I need to get a life!…”

    LOL It’s the small everyday pleasures that keep smiles on our faces.

    Re: the smoking, my post was for BarbinOz. I’ve been “non-smoking” for over 20 years. But I still remember my cigarettes, sometimes fondly…

    SLV



  23.  #23Meemee on November 11, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Honey
    Thanks for your long and wonderful posts. I am reading them one by one and will try to answer your questions with all possible honesty
    You asked
    “Did he stay in your office longer this time than last time?
    Has he ever done anything like that with the biscuits before?”

    Yes to both. He did stay in my room longer than he did yesterday.
    He always used to come to my room when he feels hungry because he knows I keep food in my room. Earlier I used to give him the biscuits without much fuss. He knew I would give them even if I initially say know. In fact I remember he coming to my room for biscuits after my major fights with him.Those time I thought it was his way of approaching me and he is making an excuse to come to my room so that things will cool down between us. Before this also I denied him biscuits when I was feeling angry and upset with him. But he will either take them or will act like a kid. I give up and give him the biscuits. But then I was happy as long as he was coming to me, even it was for biscuits.
    Let me tell you what I feel is a major issue in this scenario: He used to come to my room. He used to come for biscuits. He used to come to say hi and how are you. He rarely took me out for coffees or dinners and did so only if I make a fuss saying I need time with him and do all the pleading and begging. I got so little from him in terms of time together. So I associated his act of coming to my room and hanging around looking my the stuff in my room and coming for biscuits and other things as an act of giving me time, as an act of love. I know I sound very stupid. But given that I was sleeping with him and was so emotionally invested in him, I found out excuses like this: he is coming to my room because he loves me, he is doing it because he wants to spend some time with me, he cant do this when his friends are around and I should be welcoming. I associated all this as his acts of love and care and wanting to spend time.
    THAT IS THE PROBLEM ALSO- even today when he came to my room I could hear one part of me saying “Look Mee, he is doing this because he wants to spend time with you”. I immediately associated it with those feelings and I was speechless.
    I may sound totally stupid. But I hope this make some sense to you Honey
    I am reading the other posts and will reply you one by one
    Hugs
    Meemee



  24.  #24Senior Lady Vibe on November 11, 2010 at 9:38 am

    Hug your inner child:

    Henry Hall & His Orchestra- The Teddy Bear’s Picnic (1932)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZANKFxrcKU

    SLV



  25.  #25Senior Lady Vibe on November 11, 2010 at 9:46 am

    @13: AmberS says:

    “…Now I’m learning to use my Rori sanctioned list to fill in the spaces…”

    Hi, AmberS, please tell me more about your list.

    “BTW- it’s so nice to ‘meet’ another siren that swims in the bit/byte ocean …”

    I’m please to meet you too, Amber. Sometimes I swim, sometimes I float, sometimes I sink… 😀

    SLV



  26.  #26Hadassah on November 11, 2010 at 9:48 am

    @22 Meemee – You aren’t stupid! You do the same thing that most women do (myself included) make EXCUSES for the actions of others in an attempt to protect yourself from getting hurt. You try to justify their behaviors, their words, etc. I do the very same thing! We are all here to learn and grow together.

    It’s hard not to be true to ourselves because of how we are raised. We always want peace. We don’t want to tick anyone off or hurt someone else’s feelings with utter disregard for our own. If our hormones are involved in regards to a man, I think we all can tend to justify this and that, close our eyes to this and that, put our fingers in our ears and scream LA LA LA and not hear what he is telling us because of how we feel about him. And it sounds like he KNOWS you have feelings for him and that he is USING that to his advantage to get what he wants – you with no work on his part, when it is convenient for him. (Sorry, this totally triggered me because of what I am going through with my bf right now!)

    But now you can see it for what it is. You learned something from it. I doubt you will allow yourself to get into the same situation again based on what you are saying here! Try to look at it from a “I learned something about myself. I learned what I will tolerate and what I can’t stand, and what needs I have that must be met, etc.” Beating yourself up about this will not make you feel better! YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS!



  27.  #27Honey on November 11, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Hadassah –

    ROAR, Baby, ROAR!

    Just playing Devil’s Advocate here…have you tried feelings messages with you man, yet? People are creatures of habit. It is possible that he is going down the same path out of habit and because what you have been doing has felt good to him.

    Have you had a serious talk with him yet and told him how you have been feeling? Not a “drive by” feelings message, but a serious talk. You could tell him how you feel and what you are and are not willing to do at this point. He may surprise you and step up.

    If you say something like, “I have always cooked for you because I had no one to take care of the baby. That felt good at the time when you were buying the groceries. But when you stopped buying the groceries, I felt taken advantage of and I dont’ want to feel resentful of you anymore. Now that I have my folks to watch the baby, it would feel great if we could go out from now on. What do you think?”

    Now, he may step up or he may not. He may agree then not do it. If he asks you to cook you could say, “No, I’m not comfortable doing that anymore, but it would feel great to see you. What do you think?” If he can’t come up with something from there, he’s either too clueless or doesn’t care enough about you. BUT, with some boundaries and feelings messages, he MIGHT step up. What do you think/feel?



  28.  #28Honey on November 11, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Hadassah #24 – YES, YES, YES. Most of us have made the same mistake at some point…KEEP ON ROARING!



  29.  #29Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 9:57 am

    This is great! 🙂 🙂 🙂 And I love the cute little graphic. 🙂

    Turtle Girl, if we make the snack an apple, it IS good for us, and will last a pretty long time in our purse.

    That’s how I see TN man — a tasty, nutritious snack — not right for me for a LTR.

    But, like Mercedes was writing about on the other thread — he obviously IS right for his gf for a LTR. She doesn’t have the same boundaries/deal-breakers that I have.

    Having said that, I have mixed feelings about the response I got from him about the long message I sent him. He started it, “Hi Sweety…” and also said, “I do love J, but I love you too, actually.”

    And that feels kinda good, kinda weird.

    He is now saying they can come here to visit as friends with no expectations of anything happening or not happening. And that he will give me a good massage. Haha. Sneaky.

    So, I don’t know….

    If anyone wants to say anything about this — especially anything that might be helpful to me — that would feel good to me. But I am asking that people please refrain from judging both him and me. (e.g., “player,” “low self-esteem,” etc.).

    I appreciated the comments many of you posted last night about how to deal with my son. I actually felt surprised that I was being helped in that way, especially by some who had expressed disapproval of the visit. It felt very good. I felt accepted and respected and cared for. Thank you!



  30.  #30Apple Jacks on November 11, 2010 at 10:04 am

    *Giggle* This post makes me hungry. :)~



  31.  #31Honey on November 11, 2010 at 10:04 am

    Meemee #22 –

    What you said does not sound stupid at all. I could see myself saying those same things to myself. Those are plausible explanations, however, you have more information now, and I’m hoping you can see things differently. He was not giving when he came to your office, he was there to GET something. He took the cookies anyway this time because you have always given in.

    It’s like the kid in the grocery store screaming at the check out for candy cuz he knows mom always gives in if he screams enough. He will only learn that screaming doesn’t work if she STOPS giving in and is willing to tough out the screaming for awhile. The child WILL go through the extinction burst. It WILL get worse, but after it peaks, if mom is consistent, it will get better and better until it stops. There is no point in expending all that energy and getting nothing back. Living organisms don’t work that way.

    OK, that makes sense that he stayed in your office for a longer duration. I told you that would likely happen. You actually WANT this to happen…it is part of the process. As long as you don’t give in, that is. It is easier to prevent a biscuit incident than to deal with it as it is happening. Keep food hidden.

    Waiting to see what else you write.



  32.  #32AmberS on November 11, 2010 at 10:05 am

    Sirens-

    Does anyone here use NLP? Because it seems like a really useful tool, but I’m just beginning to learn about it.

    If anybody does use it effectively – could you please help with a brief example or corrections to what I’m about to write to Meemee?

    The gist is to take an experience you’ve had that was negative and replay it for yourself – only THIS time, you replay it for yourself with a soundtrack. So you pick something (I’ve seen the laughing baby youtube vid recommended) that evokes a feeling of strength in you and change the way you experience the situation. This is really valuable to me in instances where the circumstance is likely to repeat. This isn’t behavioral advice. Honey is awesome at that. This is to change the feeling inside of you to help you be stronger and better able to carry out the plan.

    In my case- I might think of the silliest thing I’ve seen- like a movie or cartoon where the character tries to speak but gibberish comes out instead, or something where bubbles or fish escape when they open their mouth. Then replay that funny scene a few times so that my whole body is really FEELING the silly.

    Then I would take that silly FEELING and that scene and play it as an accompaniment to the memory of the bad experience.

    The best result (for me, in this instance) would be to have the experience and the silly mix together, so that my body associates the FEELING of silly laughing at a bumbler with the experience of him visiting and being a pest.

    Then – when he comes in to try it again, my body doesn’t only have the feelings it always associated with him visiting.

    IDK if this is making sense. If anyone can help make this clear, please post.

    And Honey- I want to say thank you for the time and energy you put into helping us (even the lurkers) with your behavioral expertise. I really benefit from reading your posts to Meemee.



  33.  #33Meemee on November 11, 2010 at 10:08 am

    Honey
    About control: X is a person who likes to control others. I know it in other aspects of his life. I remember one my supervisor (she was a friend of X but they had some major disagreements and they split) once told me this about him as a general observation. I remember her words exactly
    “I hate the way X controls the women in his life. He would never let two women in his life talk to each other lest his world fall apart”.
    I did not take her words seriously. 🙁 🙁

    And you next question
    “Here’s another question: If push comes to shove, would you be willing to go public about your relationship? If so, you have ALL the power. The thing is you should never threaten what you are not willing to follow through on. Do not say anything to him about this yet. I am just asking you the question so that I can understand all the contingencies here.”

    Honey, honestly I do not know if I have the courage to do that.
    1. My friends don’t like him. They think he is obsessed with power. He holds a very high position in my office. We are working in the same institute where we do our PhDs. But he is on par with faculty. He is the lead researcher of one of the research projects and he is more than a student to most of them. My friends do not like the way he pleases others (and they say he backmouth them) and they think he does not have basic genuinity. But also they think he is good if he is not with his friends. So if I ever let them know about this relationship, they might get really angry with me for keeping it a secret. I do not know how to deal with the situation.
    2. He is in a very powerful position. I have one male friend who knows about my relationship with X. But X stays with him when X goes to my friend’s city and they go for a reading group together. And my friend apologises everytime saying that “Mee, I know I might be hurting you by keeping him as a friend. But I cant offend him in any way. He is strategic with me. I am also being strategic with him.”. Nothing will change even if I make it public. He will continue to get all the atention and power. I might feel like a fool.
    These are my worries. He has got something in him by which he manipulates people into believing him. Here I want to give you two examples
    One day I sent him a message with some emotional content. He did not reply. When he did not reply I texted him asking him why he is not replying me. He did not call me back. He did not text me back. The next day called him again. He sent a text saying “yesterday your messages were seen by A (his female friend) and my sister. You have ruined my life. Please do not message me or call me. If you do that you will be pushing me against the wall to take unpleasant decisions”. I tried to talk to him. He did not reply. He did not text me back. Two days I burned and burned and burned. Then he came to me saying sorry and I asked him what happened with A and his sister after they have seen my messages. He said he managed them into beliving that those texts were nothing.

    One day he hugged me at his office. A came and saw us. He panicked. He literally drove me away from his room. Then he asked me to go and speak to A that there is nothing between us. I foolishly did that. I was tensed. I was worried. He did not keep me updated about anything. A couple of days later when I called him from office he said it is better if Is stay away from him till things get cool. Later I asked him how did he manage the situation and he told me he made A believe that it was an impersonal hug.

    Till today I do not know how he managed to make people who has seen things with their eyes belive otherwise. Among my friends he is not popular. But generally he is the apple of all the authority’s eye. I really do not know if things will work in my favor if I make things public.
    Meemee



  34.  #34Honey on November 11, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Lucy –

    “I appreciated the comments many of you posted last night about how to deal with my son. I actually felt surprised that I was being helped in that way, especially by some who had expressed disapproval of the visit. It felt very good. I felt accepted and respected and cared for. Thank you!”

    While it is not the choice I would make, I respect your process in coming to a decision for your OWN life for your OWN reasons. No one else really knows what you need but you. We can only toss things out there…ideas and feeling to try on to see if they fit or not. So you have a threesome…you are not committing freakin’ murder here. We are not being accomplices in some kind of crime. You are looking at trying something new for your life. You have shared that you have an issue with anxiety. When I look at this from your perspective I think, “Hmmm. Lucy has anxiety with everything new. If the ONLY thing stopping her is anxiety, and it is generalized anxiety that is not attached to anything specific, this might be a good thing for her to do.” But really, I don’t know. Again, only you know. I just don’t want the guilt over your son…it is entirely appropriate to keep our sex lives away from our children.

    Regardless of what you choose, I applaud you for how you are handling this.

    I like how this guy is approaching you…it feel respectful to me. Don’t know what to think about his I love you. I feel confused. There are different types of love. Maybe it doesn’t matter…better to think about how you feel.

    Oh I am rambling this morning and hogging too much blog space!



  35.  #35Honey on November 11, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Lucy –

    “While it is not the choice I would make”…let me rephrase…

    “While it is not the choice that I would make FOR MYSELF”…I was talking about for MY life, not yours.



  36.  #36Senior Lady Vibe on November 11, 2010 at 10:16 am

    @20: Hadassah says:

    “I feel so much more empowered today. Like I am woman – hear me ROAR!”

    Helen Reddy: “I Am Woman”, from “The Midnight Special”, 1975. 3:11
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmifO2sKT7g

    SLV



  37.  #37Hadassah on November 11, 2010 at 10:16 am

    @#26 Honey – Oh the feeling messages. Thanks for your input, by the way. Oh yes, I have. I continue to. We have had numerous conversations of me going, “I feel like we don’t make plans to see each other. I feel like we aren’t talking about the future like we used to do, what do you think?” And also, “I don’t like feeling like I am a part time gf. I don’t want to have a relationship where it seems like it is only certain days of the week, what do you think about that?” I also say things like, “it doesn’t feel good when we talked about how excited we were to do things together as soon as my mom got here to watch the baby, and now we aren’t really doing anything. What do you think?”

    And I hear the usual oh yeah, I’ve just been busy, or fill in whatever excuse you can think of here etc. We did break up (my choice) for a while back in August, but he called me and I laid it out on the line. I don’t want it half assed, I don’t want to feel like I am nothing more than a friends with benefits thing that we only spend time together when it is convenient for him (maybe not the best thing to say but I was MAD), that I hated it that he could go days without texting or calling me and then out of the blue just show up wanting to have dinner at my place. He was better. For a bit.

    We did start off as friends with benefits. I was way overweight, just out of a HORRIBLE relationshit (yes, I did say relationshit on purpose) with my daughter’s sperm donor, and here is this hot guy that liked talking to me. And liked coming over. And then we started having sex. And then he told me he wasn’t having sex with anyone else, but was just dating others. And then he told me he only wanted to be with me. Throw in his talking about marriage on a regular basis where he then always mentions, “I just don’t know if I want to be a dad forever” and yeah. Oh, and he would only ever kiss me during sex before he started calling me his gf. He has only been calling me his gf since July. We have been dating for a year now!

    He is just SO used to getting his own way with women and relationships. It’s like he can’t be anything more than part time. There is probably women out there that that would be fine with, heck, if I was younger I would probably be ok with it too, but I’m looking 30 in the face.

    His ex wife (he told me this) said he “didn’t do enough to make her feel special” and that all he “kept her around for was cooking and sex”. And then his ex gf (she told me this) ended their 2 plus year relationship because he “didn’t make her feel special”. I am thinking there is a pattern!

    He is going home for all of Thanksgiving weekend, he is going home to be with his family for Christmas, and he is going out of town over New Year’s to a wedding. Hasn’t asked me to come along for any of it. And frankly, I don’t even want to go now. Why bother? It’s just going to make me feel uncomfortable. And why have a bf where this is holiday season and I am going to be alone so why bother? I might as well be single!

    I am just so angry. But amused at the same time. It’s like he is catching on that I am not taking this relationship as seriously as I was because he texted me today to ask how my day was going and tell me he got wine. I was open and inviting and then asked why he got wine – his response – it was cheap. End of convo. No him asking to take me out or come over tomorrow or over the weekend.

    I feel so much lighter after realizing he is just a snack. I don’t think this relationship is going to go anywhere. In fact, I don’t even know if I want to be in a relationship anymore right now period! Maybe I just need to focus on me!



  38.  #38Meemee on November 11, 2010 at 10:28 am

    Honey
    To continue
    you asked “Are you ready to step up the process by asking X to leave your office? Things will probably move faster if you can, but if you really can’t yet, I need to know”.
    I feel I am not ready yet. I can disengage him, not respond to him, keep myself at a distance, keep the embarrassing silence- but asking him to leave my room is something I can not do right now. I can not do that with anyone. I generally try and be disgustingly nice to people. I have NEVER (belive me) asked anyone to leave my office. My friends and colleagues come to my room, they sit and talk, do their work, or just sit there if they want to be alone and etc. I can say that to a stanger. But I have never tried it on an aquaintance. The newness of it is horryfying. If I can try it on some people I might be able to do that 🙂
    Also as I said, I illogically associated his act of coming to my room as a way of he expressing his “love”. haha. If I have to ask him to leave the room, it should start from there- disassociating his act and my interpretation of it.

    Emotional question: How does it feel right now knowing that you did not let X manipulate you into engaging with him?
    I feel good that I did not let him manipulate me into doing things that he wants. But I feel bad that he did not do anything other than trying to manipulate me- like being genuine and trying to see the situation. It feels bad to see that he will not do anything other than what he has already done, he will not offer me anything good other than what he has already offered. But those are the little voices in my head.

    Probably I should stop thinking that he is coming to me to give me something- he comes and goes at his will and wish and he only takes, rarely gives!
    Meemee



  39.  #39Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Meemee,

    Girl please please stop calling yourself stupid !
    let me tell you what happened to me the other day !
    after reading steve harvey’s book in which he says a man is acting up just say it up straight if he cares for you he’ll put his act together.
    So i send my guy a text sayin that ” i’ve already stated what i’m looking for in a relationship if this is what he wants too he’ll no where to find me, but i’m not gonna sit around and wait for u…i need a man who can walk to talk and treat me like i deserve to be ” and i finish with a ” heads up to ya soldier”
    it was like i’ve drop a bomb on him ! cause he didn’t sleep AT ALL, texted me at1am sayin “omg babe ! i’m so sorry blblaa ” i didn’t answer…he called next day, text etc..til this day he completely changed ! he was acting up because i didn’t put my foot down and was scared to loose him !
    But when u do something like that you have to be ready and prepared to walk or like Rori say put him in a cheap doggie bag lol, if HE doesn’t walk the talk.

    Hope that helps !
    Hugs Pepe



  40.  #40Honey on November 11, 2010 at 10:37 am

    Meemee –

    Oh, I am really disliking X more and more. I wish you could get away from him. The political situation makes things very difficult. I could see the control issue with the biscuit interchange. I would be absolutely shocked if he isn’t now, or hasn’t in the past done the same thing to another young woman.

    You might want to start thinking about your options if it comes down to that. He DOES hold power over you because of his position. Are there sexual harrassment laws in India? Are they generally enforced? Is there someone in a position of power that you could go to if need be that is over him?

    Oh, I feel like slapping this guy and I am the most nonviolent person you will ever meet.

    “Please do not message me or call me. If you do that you will be pushing me against the wall to take unpleasant decisions” He is threatening you. If he sends you anything like this again, save it. Start documenting things in case you need them. You could keep a journal of what happens in case he retaliates in some way.

    Meemee, I feel for you more and more. This guy is really abusive. When are you done with your PhD?



  41.  #41Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 10:42 am

    Meemee,

    i totally agree with Honey on this !
    “Please do not message me or call me. If you do that you will be pushing me against the wall to take unpleasant decisions”
    UNPLEASANT DECISIONS ?????? it sound like a treath to me too ! what the f dude ? how dare he !!!!
    i feel pissed right now



  42.  #42Meemee on November 11, 2010 at 10:43 am

    Honey
    He is not my supervisor at work. But he is everywhere. Nothing in the office moves without him knowing. Beacuse of that, people usually do not offend him.
    He is good to people who are good to him. Here I want to share one piece of information about him- not very sure if that is useful.
    He says he hates his work. He says he hates his boss. He says he hates his friends who are breathing down his neck. He says he does not like to “manage” people in his life. He says he hates his friends who are nagging him. But he is super comfortable with those female friends who he says are breathing down his neck. He bitches about his boss like anything- but for every party at her place, he is present. He says he hates it when people do not give him mental space- but he is always with those people who he accuses are taking his menta space away. I even felt he likes it when his “girlfiends” control him and ask him to do things for them. I even felt he is doing the same thing to me which he blames others are doing to him- controling him.
    Meemee



  43.  #43Honey on November 11, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Meemee –

    Wow, I’m so impressed with what you said that I don’t know where to start. The first thing that jumps out at me is HONESTY.

    I like how you were honest with yourself and with me about what you are and are not prepared to do at this time.

    And I LOVE how you are being honest about your feelings about X. You are starting to see him for who he really is…that means letting go of some dreams that you held dear, and that is so incredibly painful but also very wise and brave. Brava, Miss Meemee!

    You can do what you are doing for now…empowerment is a process. You will gain strength from overcoming this situation, and you will be forever changed.

    Do you have a trusted woman friend that you can talk to? Are you CDing? What makes you feel strong and confident in yourself?



  44.  #44Turtle Girl on November 11, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Pepe-

    I have seen Steve Harvey on tv and have read his book.

    He has a lot of good points. Men do what they do because we women have simply put up with it.

    Period.

    We have given away our power, tolerated crappy behavior, and basically acted with no self respect or boundaries.

    I do not “blame” us. I am stating facts. There are a thousand reasons for this and it’s not our fault.

    However, we see the awful results. We are treated badly, taken advantage of, used, abused and worse.
    We have allowed ourselves to be viewed as “lower status” in men’s eyes. This does not work at all.



  45.  #45Honey on November 11, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Meemee –

    He sure “hates” a lot.

    He is not a “snack”, he is a snack with rat poison hidden inside. Dangerous, toxic.



  46.  #46Honey on November 11, 2010 at 10:52 am

    Meemee –

    A vision came to my mind that reminds me of you.

    Did you ever see the movie, “Forest Gump”? I just thought of the seen where forest was a boy getting teased by some bullies. He is wearing leg braces, but he starts running anyway. His little friend is yelling, “Run, Forest, Run!”, and as he starts running his leg braces start flying off, and he is running and running. He is running to freedom! Forest becomes a runner after that, but more importantly, he becomes free.

    None of us can run for you, but we will all be here shouting, “Run, Meemee, Run!” I so want you to be free.



  47.  #47Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Meemee,

    I think that in your case, you are so emmotionally attach to this guy that brutally cutting him loose is not only gonna be a shock to your system and who knows what this guy might say or do since you both work in the same office and he has a good position in there….
    I would suggest that you start slow so that he feels like somethings up but can’t put his finger on it !
    Get your power back. Get some requirements and stick to them…for ex when he say things like go tell X or A that we are just friends you can calmly answer that you are not in high school anymore and you don’t owe anybody explainations, he can go and explain himself and rock it at if wants too but that it doesn’t feel good to you ! or stop buying cookies ! lol
    or when he treaths you don’t budge, that way he’ll see thathe can’t scare you…
    He’ll feel that there is something different and stronger in you and you will feel stronger too ! (smile)

    Hope that helps !
    And whatever you do please stop calling urself or even think that you are stupid cause we’ve all been there, even Rori.
    Pepe



  48.  #48Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Turtle girl,

    right on !!!!!
    yesssss lol
    something he said just shifted it for me
    men respect standards get some !
    plain and simple, lol

    Pepe



  49.  #49Turtle Girl on November 11, 2010 at 11:07 am

    Pepe-
    You are so right.

    Not only will good men respect standards, the ones who are just looking for booty call or a fling or abusers will drop off right away because they will know immediately that we will not be the good time gal, the fall back girl, or the woman they can abuse.

    I have had coffee recently with a couple of “bad boys” who in the past I would have gone out with again. But when one tried to lay a big ole kiss on me after one meeting I said no.

    I said “look I am old fashioned. I don’t kiss at the first meeting. I hardly know you.”

    He said “Well I guess there is something to be said for the chase……” It had a very snide tone to it. Then he walked away and left.

    Needless to say I never heard from him again. His pof profile says he has high libido. Well so do I but I ain’t looking to “f” someone after one or two dates. Sorry. Not gonna happen. So he went elsewhere. And good. I got the vibe that he is very controlling and would be abusive. NEXT!!!!

    The universe can’t say Yes to me until I say No to all those that ain’t working.



  50.  #50Meemee on November 11, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Honey
    I do not have words to thank you.
    I have a question- is getting rid of this guy a way of empowering myself? this question is not as simple as it would have sounded to me before I actually started trying to get rid of X. I thought it would empower me! Its true I feel powerful at times. I feel good that I am doing this. But it is taking h*ll lot of energy. I am totally drained of all my mental and physical energy once I am back from office. This act weakens me a lot physically.
    On the other hand when I spend a whole day writing and reading for my PhD, when I make a good presentation, when I get selected for a conference I feel good and empowered.
    It does not mean I want to step back from my plan. I very rarely take decisions-when I take one I would like to get on with it. So we are very much on our plan.
    But I am so perplexed at times that how can the act of getting rid of a TOXIC TOXIC man, which is seemingly the most empowering thing on the universe, be a weakening excercise!
    Is it just because of the emotions and the hormones involved?
    Meemee



  51.  #51Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 11:13 am

    “I got the vibe that he is very controlling and would be abusive.”

    Turtle Girl, I get that vibe surprisingly often from men I meet online! It’s weird, I can pick it up pretty quickly — sounds like you can too.



  52.  #52Honey on November 11, 2010 at 11:14 am

    TG –

    Rock on…you put your boundary in place and he left. Good. Saves time on being with a guy who’s not right for you anyway.



  53.  #53Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Turtle girl,

    God job lady ! clap clap
    this week i realised how easy this “game ” is lol
    i don’t always remember to use feeling messages and dont’ worry about it too much but i make sure to stated what i like and don’t without saying you, but i do all the othet stuff rori teachs us lean back, initiate less, etc…
    The other day my gut was like u should invite me to drink a beer ! i said i should be invited to drink a beer, me laughed but i continued ” i don’t have a problem inviting a guy once in a while to go out and have a beer but that i’m old fashioned and that if a guy wants to enjoy my company i expect him to invite me to drink a beer with him, pick me up and drop me home ” he answered but a “oooo ok Sorry my bad ! ” i resisted the urge to explain myself or ask what he meant by that and replied with a simple ” yeah lol ” after 10-20mins he said what u doing ? i said i’m gonna get undressed to somethin that feels more relaxing, he said ” how about something that feels fun to you to please come take a beer with me ? ” i felt so shocked !!!!! and for once he was there on time !
    now evetytime something comes up i step a requirement (baby steps ) and wait to see if he’ll step up !

    And it feel good and empowering !
    Pepe



  54.  #54Honey on November 11, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Meemee –

    Great question. But first I want to agree with Pepe. I’m not so concerned about the shock to your system as I am about retaliation on X’s part.

    It is my belief that getting rid of X will help you feel empowered…in time. But not right now. Right now you are “training” him and it is exhausting. You are learning something new and dealing with a temporary increase in his behavior. Anyone would feel exhausted. Plus you are emotionally invested and trying to deal with that…also draining. If you told me you felt totally fine, I would be worried or wonder what you were smoking. lol

    Imagine Forest running from the bullies with the leg braces on. They have beat him up before. He is scared. The braces are slowing him down. But he has had enough so he runs anyway. He doesn’t know for sure what will happen. They might catch him. They might hurt him. He is terrified, he is exhausted, but he keeps on running anyway. The empowerment came later, once he was free, once he was safe, once he realized that he would hereafter be able to take care of himself.



  55.  #55Honey on November 11, 2010 at 11:25 am

    Meemee –

    I’m hoping some other Sirens will share with you what their experiences were getting free of a toxic relationship and how they felt after.



  56.  #56Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 11:29 am

    I don’t even read my messages on pof or match anymore.



  57.  #57Meemee on November 11, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Honey
    RE:45
    Oh my dear. It brought tears into my eyes. I have watched that movie several times- and evertime I watched that scene I cried.
    I could feel him being liberated. Liberation- it is not even freedom.
    Yes. I know I will have to do the running. I am happy that you guys are there to cheer for me.
    Thanks.
    I want to share something that happened to me a couple of months back. It was before I joined this blog- I was travelling in a train. I was so upset with X and all the issues between us. I was on the verge of a break down. I was restless. I hated going to office because of him. I hated doing a PhD because of him. I was stuck. I felt I was going nowhere in my life. I got up from my seat and went to the door. I stayed there watching the scenes outside tightly holding the handle of the door for fear of falling off the train. The train was crossing a river. The river was so beautiful. It was blazing under the sun like a pot of silver.For a moment I thought what if I just let my hands go off the door. (Believe me I never thought of any such things ever before in my life- it was the river, the mood and my emotions). Then I saw the most enlightening scene in my life- a bird was flying across the river. The river was long, the bird was flying and flying and flying.
    Then I realized it- THE BIRD HAS TO FLY TILL IT CROSSES THE RIVER. I went back to my seat.
    The next day I found this blog. I found you sirens.
    I know it Honey, the bird has to fly till it reaches the shore. I am happy I have you people with me giving me strength when my wings go weak.
    Love you
    Meemee



  58.  #58Turtle Girl on November 11, 2010 at 11:33 am

    #50 Lucy-

    Regrettably this has been my experience as well. The men I meet online are usually of two types.

    They are either abusive in some way-bad vibe-controlling, bad boy, alpha male, etc.

    OR

    They are very insecure and gun shy with “issues”.

    So far, the quality of men that I feel are “normal” with decent jobs, not a lot of baggage i.e. don’t have attitudes about women, etc. are few and far between.

    But I only need one.

    And better men are showing up and the ones that suck I am dumping them right away instead of hanging out with them. As I get stronger, softer and clear about what I want and who I am, then it gets better.

    I actually dated one cd guy for about 4 months who was a total sweetheart. I liked him in every way. He was in love with me. Two things. He is still legally married. Ugh. And the sex was just mediocre. Had he been single the sex would still be just mediocre.
    I tried but could not get past it.

    Hey universe-I want a man who is sweet like that cd man, can rock my world and wants to be with me forever. Thanks. xxoo



  59.  #59Daria on November 11, 2010 at 11:37 am

    Meemee – I feel empowered every time I use a truthful feeling message and a don’t want. At first it was slight because I was thinking about the reaction from the other person,

    But there’s an energy, an inner joy when Yes I have spoken my true feelings through the fear. I deserve to be spoken outloud.

    Babysteps with this have healed me and made me much more powerful.

    Also, alliwing myself to cry strongly when I needed to and to hug myself and reassure myself was important.



  60.  #60Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 11:38 am

    That’s interesting, TG!! I had the same exact CD guy as you did, for about the same amount of time! Everything exactly the same! Weird!



  61.  #61Meemee on November 11, 2010 at 11:41 am

    Pepe
    Re:46
    Thanks. That was soothing and helpful.
    I am tempted to think I am stupid when I do seemingly stupid things.
    But I am happy to know that it is universal 🙂
    Hugs
    Meemee



  62.  #62Senior Lady Vibe on November 11, 2010 at 11:47 am

    @37: Meemee says:

    …But I feel bad that he did not do anything other than trying to manipulate me- like being genuine and trying to see the situation.”

    From standing outside your situation and reading your descriptions, I believe he IS being genuine, this is who he is…

    SLV



  63.  #63Honey on November 11, 2010 at 11:47 am

    Meemee #56 –

    Flying over the river…wow…



  64.  #64Honey on November 11, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Meemee –

    If the Forest scene is meaningful, and your vision of the bird flying over the river, what do you thing about bringing one of those scenes to your mind the next time X is standing in your office and you are waiting for him to leave? Sometimes visual images can be so powerful. I like your word…liberation! Can you envision your waiting him out as yourself running for liberation?



  65.  #65Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Meemee,

    Ah girl, you have nooooo idea how i use to call to call myself before ! lol
    it went to dumb to easy girl to bitch and jumped to not being understanding enough and so so so on
    After reading rori’s story and other sirens testimonies on this blog, now i laugh and smile at myself and i’m like” ok lol i’ll do better next time” or “when i say or do this i get this/that reaction so next time i’ll try this or that” and try not to be hard on myself !

    Pepe
    Huges



  66.  #66Meemee on November 11, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Honey
    RE:42
    I do have a couple of friends I can talk to. But most of mt friends are people who knows him too. Talking about it will be a tremendous task.
    Sadly I am not CDing
    Meemee



  67.  #67Honey on November 11, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Meemee –

    When are you done with the PhD?



  68.  #68Meemee on November 11, 2010 at 11:57 am

    Honey
    2 and a half years to go 🙁
    Meemee



  69.  #69Honey on November 11, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Meemee –
    Any chance of CDing? I know you are busy. Could you maybe do it a little?



  70.  #70Meemee on November 11, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    RE 67
    SLV
    Your comment made me smile at myself.
    You are right. There is a difference between what he is and what I want him to be.
    You are right. He IS BEING genuine. There is nothing more, nothing less, nothinh else.
    Meemee



  71.  #71Hadassah on November 11, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Decided that I am not initiating with my bf anymore period. If he wants to see me, he needs to call in advance and ask to take me out. If he asks why, I will be truthful and use feeling messages to the best of my ability. How do you say, “I feel like I am just a convenience to you and I deserve better”, or “I feel like you are taking me for granted” or “I don’t want to feel like you are with me just for my cooking and the sex.” Do I just leave off the “you”?

    What I want to do if he asks me is be like, “I am sick of feeling taken for granted and taken advantage of. I don’t feel like your girlfriend, I feel like a friends with benefits and I don’t want that. I want a real relationship that is heading towards a future that includes marriage and a life partnership together. I want to feel valued and loved and cherished and important and special and not like a convenience to be penciled in for making you a home cooked meal and having sex when it fits into your schedule. I want to have an every day relationship, not an every other day, every third day kind of thing. I feel like you are getting all of the benefits of a committed relationship and have none of the responsibilities and that I am just giving and you are taking.”

    Maybe I will just say we are just dating and each get to lead our own lives.

    Maybe I should say that I can do what I want until I am married.

    Maybe I should tell him to call me when he figures out what it is he wants from me.

    Maybe I will just say nothing. I don’t feel like I need to explain myself to him at all. Either he will call me and text me and initiate dates or he wont. But I am NOT going to let him text me and come over that day for dinner that I cook ever again. I don’t feel comfortable even accepting a dinner date where he texts me two hours before he wants to go out!

    Boundaries and limits… I guess I am learning mine!



  72.  #72Daria on November 11, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    I feel sad and heavy hearted. I felt so sad and dismissed and angry by the pieces of Barns comments that I read yesterday. I feel helpless, like watching someone erase my history with a big eraser. It wasn’t there they say. None of this ever happened. You are This way.

    This has happened before. Feeling misunderstood. I know how I felt was not unique. My cousin felt the same way. The pain is nearly unbearable.

    I don’t want to allow my history to be erased with a smile and a there there, it wasn’t so bad. I feel furious and powerless is much stronger.., I feel helpless like a child, like in a book where they drug you up against your will every nite. There there, it’s all better. You didn’t really feel all that pain.

    I feel frustrated and sad. I feel a tiny distant part of me outraged… And mostly I feel numb. A big lots of open mouthed limp numb. A heavy heart numb.

    I feel so sad ” there is nothing I can do they’ll never believe me ” numb. I hate that. I feel so angry. I feel humiliated . I feel helpless.

    I love my feelings… I feel so angry. Angels, I don’t want to be treated this way. I don’t want to feel this way. I intend to heal… Will you help me? Thank you.

    So sad to not be seen and acknowledged forcmy triumph over the worlds greatest pain. I wonder what this is about? I love my ferlings. I see you child that was the bravest I ever wished for. I feel rage and protection for you.

    You are safe, I promise I can keep itthat way. Thank you for all you have done for me. I can and will protect you. And I give you permission now, to go and play. I embrace you, and I’m going to go on with feeling better and doing what makesme feel good, and what makes me bigger, and happier, so I have more love and compassion to share with you, and with the world. And I won’t abandon you, I promise.

    Now I was feeling fear. Fear of feeling stabbed in the heart again. I feel tears somewhere inside the numbness. Tears of disappointment and sadness at not being seen. I live my inner tears, I love my heavy heart sadness, I love my tingly feet fear. And that feels like, a teeny smile an IMF. I love my teeny smile and hmf. And that feels like, another teeny smile. I love my teeny smile and that feels like, the tears coming closer and the beginning of crying. I love my tears coming closer and the beginning of crying, and that feels like., hhhh hff, I love my hhh hf, and that feels like, numbness and pouty face and a little warmer… I live my numbness and pouty face and littltlt warmness, and that feels like… Taking a bigger breath, I love my taking a bugger breath and that feels like, takin two biggerbreaths and that feels like, oh I love my two bigger breaths and That feels like, Numbness in my facial expression but coming more into thus room and out from that psychiatric hospital, and I love my coming into this room and my numb facial expression, and that feels like, heavy heartless and huh, I love my heavy heartbeat and huh, and that feels lime smiling giggling and feeling relieved! I lovely smiling giggling and feeling relieved and that reels like more giggling, I live my more fighting and that feels like smiling and mire giggling and sighing and relaxing and olive those and that feels like, feeling relaxed blissed out and pleased, and I love my feeling relaxed blessed out and pleased and that feels like, smiling:)



  73.  #73Meemee on November 11, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Honey
    I had posted my worries on CDing earlier in this blog- that dating not being a very popular cultural practice in India and not finding good men to CD.
    And I remember Daria telling me its a universal worry 🙂
    Honestly, I have not thought of CDing seriously. Was not I so seriously preoccupied with Mr.100% Toxic?? 🙂 🙂
    Meemee



  74.  #74Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Meemee,

    Do you do out ? please say you do ! lol
    If everyone thinks your single than act like one
    Go out to social places like restaurant, bar etc.. with 2 or 3 girls who are down with it and practice rori’s tools make eye contact, smile softly, lean back, be an invitation ! to make things hotter try mixing those rori’s tools with the tools of patty contenta on the sensualitysecrets site rori’s wrote a post on that i think last week.
    That’s the way to do it when there’s no cding guy ahead ! lol

    Pepe



  75.  #75Meemee on November 11, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Pepe
    LOL.
    Yeah. I do. Rarely though.
    I am doing a full time job and PhD. I am so hardpressed for time 🙁 🙁
    Meemee



  76.  #76Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Meemee,

    I understand but when your free go out with some girls and have fun ! even if it’s once a week, i really think you should that for yourself (smile)
    And you could try ACTING like your single and i mean really that even he thinks you guys are not “together” and you will naturally after some time feel like one ! that way you won’t expect or hope anything form him, he will have less power on you, you will feel more relax and free around him ! and yoube afraid to say what you don’t want for yourself without worrying about what he thinks etc..

    Hugs
    Pepe



  77.  #77Brenda on November 11, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    Rori,

    You have amazed me with your brilliance once again! LOL! Excellent article!

    This part: “Are you supposed to sit around and wait for him? Because I tell you this — if you sit around and wait for him to grow up you will go nuts. Your hormones will make you a crazy woman.”

    Hehe! That was me the other day with Bill! A crazy woman going nuts with unused hormones!

    Love it!



  78.  #78jacqueline on November 11, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Ameberina!!!! Dahling….so good to see you!!! hugs air kisses and a yellow rose of Texas yelling and jumping and waving!

    Glad you came here to work it out! and good to you for moving on and doing the hard sh*t!! Made me wanna call my new boss and work it out too….heee….which I kind of did. We’ll see….

    Hi Bren…so snacks….oh nooooooooooooo…..you snacked on Bill? rofl….that’s so cool!

    I’m glad he’s there for you. Mr. Bill OOOOOOO – well I’m seeing a visual!

    And hope you’re feeling good with old friend stuff – that was interesting, and yet, it would’ve hurt my feelings. You are great with take the meat, etc!!!

    I love the little girl pix @ top….so cute!!! I love what Rori says! I love it that since I’ve been doing this feeling stuff – grin…

    OMGOSH!!! I couldn’t find an entire bottle of medicine and yet I threw away all the nasty 3 a.m. notes I was leaving accusing my boyfriend of taking it!!! and just allowed for the possibility that I used them all….and gave him space….and didn’t start WWIIII in my house!!! WOW, yall….my boyfriend is so very glad I know Rori!!! even tho he doesn’t know it! lalala….

    Meemee….I wrote cha on the last thread – Brenda’s right about standing!

    and Apple Jacks!!! Hi! My darling fruityness – I hope you’ve got a fab weekend coming up?!!!!

    See you all soon; ack! until Monday, when self discipline will have to take ahold….heee…unless I sneak my laptop along???? well, maybe after a week or two?

    Yall rock your selves,’kay???

    xo
    J



  79.  #79Brenda on November 11, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Meemee,

    I thought of something else that may help you. I went thru a phase where I was learning HOW to stand up to people. I had been walked on in childhood and never learned how to set boundaries.

    I made a study of watching films! I would study the expressions, words, and gestures of actors as they expressed any number of emotions. In this case, we are talking about anger. Or boundary-setting, whatever you want to call it.

    You could find a scene where you think the actor handled him or herself well, and maybe even memorize the words they said. For me, it was about learning HOW to be a bitch! Because sometimes, it is what protects you in a bad situation.

    What do you think?



  80.  #80BarbinOz on November 11, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    Rori what a GREAT post, laughing here about the snacky men LOL!!! 😀

    Oh I want me a “perfect, huge, wonderful steak or beautiful fish or grand meal complete with appetizers, champagne, baked potato, beautifully cut vegetables.”



  81.  #81Brenda on November 11, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Jacqueline,

    LOL! Yeah, I snacked on Bill! That’s not really what I meant when I said that, but it’s true! I meant my hormones were cutting loose and I needed to be a little goofy and off the hook for a minute!

    I snack on Kenny, too. Oh, I’m lovin this “snack” visualization! And I bet Rori knows where we’re gonna take it! LOL! Hot dog snacks! Yeh!



  82.  #82Apple Jacks on November 11, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    “and Apple Jacks!!! Hi! My darling fruityness – I hope you’ve got a fab weekend coming up?!!!!”

    Lol, hi Jacqueline! 🙂



  83.  #83Brenda on November 11, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Speaking of excellent meals, one of my favorites is “Chicken Bella” at Ruby Tuesday! It has a superbly-seasoned mushroom sauce on top of chicken breast. Their garlic mashed potatoes and broccoli are good, too. The broccoli is always done to perfection, and just the crowns, not all stems. I like their salad bar, too. I didn’t really mean for this to be an ad for Ruby Tuesday, altho they are one of my favorite restaurants. I’ve gotten some really good coupons in their email club. I’m just hungry!



  84.  #84BarbinOz on November 11, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    #8 Honey

    Thank you 🙂

    I found this on youtube quite some years ago, and quite often listen to it. Of course I love the original Marvin Gaye version but this version is beautiful too. Such wise words.



  85.  #85Apple Jacks on November 11, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    (((HUGS))) Daria.



  86.  #86jacqueline on November 11, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Brenda!! You bad phallic obsessed grrrllll!!! I was totally thinking of bill as a gingerbread cookie!!!

    hahahaha…

    Ooooh and I”m excited – I was talking to my new boss and he said he’d called his mother!!!!OMG to ask how to talk to leasing agent about how she dressed. I picked up on he likes her, and so changed my attitude and just said don’t worry about it I’ll fix it.

    Good thing! since he was going to say no open toed shoes…oh nooooooo….I pedicure every two weeks. I LOVE MY FEET!!!!

    But not if anyone tries to eat em! ewwwwww!!!!!

    kay, well hot dogs with ummmmmmm……blushing……

    mayo?

    Bren?



  87.  #87Luzy on November 11, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Went on a short meeting today It felt awkward, I did my leaning back and all, but I wasn’t into him much so just talked whatever and then came back home. I had no expectations so I don’t feel bad at all, just someone I met I guess.

    Still talking to others and learning…



  88.  #88Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    “I see you child that was the bravest I ever wished for.”

    Daria, I love this. It’s making me cry. I feel it for you, and for me, and for my children. <3



  89.  #89jacqueline on November 11, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    also – any HR types got a dress code?

    I was gonna go with black pant, button shirt….but that limits ME, too….

    And how do you get someone to put their stringy hair in a ponytail?

    Sigh….this is gonna take some politically correct expertness for sure!!

    off for now…

    waving,
    J



  90.  #90Brenda on November 11, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    Jacqueline,

    Mmm, hot dogs with mayonaise!



  91.  #91Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    What’s with all the Ruby Tuesday publicity lately??? All of my fb friends have been “Liking” it lately, showing in my newsfeed, and now Brenda on here… weird…



  92.  #92Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Bangers and mash. Yum.



  93.  #93BarbinOz on November 11, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    #48 Turtle Girl

    Great post I love it. Step up or ship out. 😀



  94.  #94Luzy on November 11, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    I get a lot of snacks then I want them to turn into a whole meal, but it doesn’t work. Now I will have to take the snacks enjoy them and keep trying new restaurants until one of them offer me a whole meal (with dessert).



  95.  #95Daria on November 11, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    Thanks Apple Jacks…

    Yay Lucy…

    I’m feeling frustrated cuz myspace upgraded and now has my profile mixed up with someone else’s

    I don’t want to cut off my admirers…. it’s been 48 hours with it not fixed!



  96.  #96BarbinOz on November 11, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    #56 Meemee

    Now I am crying reading your post about the bird flying across the water, YES Meemee, YOU are the bird, and one day you will have no feelings for X, absolutely none, not love or hate just indifference and you will look back and go WOW WTH was I doing!!

    Been there, done that with toxic ex husband……



  97.  #97Daria on November 11, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    I do all my online dating through myspace.

    This is affecting my mood. =(



  98.  #98Brenda on November 11, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    Lucy,

    You said, “What’s with all the Ruby Tuesday publicity lately??? All of my fb friends have been “Liking” it lately, showing in my newsfeed, and now Brenda on here… weird…”

    They have a dealio right now if you click “Like” on their facebook, you get a coupon for a free appetizer. I went to do it, but the only way is if you give them access to all your facebook contacts, basically, let them friend you. So I said “Don’t Allow”, and I didn’t get the coupon. That’s ok, I get enough good coupons on their email club, like right now I have one for 22% off my check.



  99.  #99Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    Ah, that explains it. Social media marketing genius tactics. 🙂



  100.  #100BarbinOz on November 11, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    #71 Daria

    I am sorry for making you feel unheard and dismissed. I didn’t realise you were an emigrant yourself, I thought you were born in the USA.

    And I was thinking of your mum yesterday when A told me at work how he and his wife were not happy here, and I wondered if that was why she gets depressed (i.e. homesick). And I know it is just as bad for people who emigrate to another country when they are children and have no say in the matter.

    I am on an ex pats blog where a lady was taken to Canada with her family at the age of 13, she is now back living in Scotland after 45 years!!! She never felt at home in Canada….never. And had never visited Scotland in all those years not even for a holiday and has now gone back to her origins.

    Sometimes when we are young adults with families we move to other countries to give ourselves and our children “a better life.” But it doesn’t always work out that way.

    So once again I apologise Daria for skimming over your post and not reading it properly, I am in a bit of a dark place at the moment and was very thoughtless.



  101.  #101Brenda on November 11, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Barb and Daria,

    I moved to Phoenix, Arizona from Pennsylvania from 1996 – 1999. I missed my Mom so bad! I loved the warm climate, and even now, I wish I could live near the ocean in a warm climate. But after all the crying I did in AZ, I realized I would rather live near loved ones than in a nice climate.

    I feel sad for you. I can barely imagine the pain of leaving all you know and love so very far away. 2000 miles was too far for me!

    People give us our feeling of connectedness in the world. I really enjoy connecting on this blog!

    Love,
    Brenda



  102.  #102Renee on November 11, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    Well, sirens, I’ve made it through day 11 of my AD drug washout and I only have to wait a few more days before I can give my new drug a try…it’s been a loooon week and a half, but I’m still hanging in there. Sooooo hoping this new drug works for me! And really hoping it doesn’t have any sexual side effects — it’s not known for having them, but some do experience them and end up going off the drug due to them…it would so suck to get that “good old me” feeling back only to find out I couldn’t enjoy sex anymore! One of the benefits of the med I just came off of was that it almost never dulls anyone’s sexual desire/ability to have an orgasm. So even though its antidepressant effects waned significantly for me over time, at least I could still enjoy sex.

    Oh well…can’t avoid trying it just cause it MIGHT have a side effect or it MIGHT not work…I just have to keep praying and thinking positively.

    I so enjoy seeing the love and support the women offer each other on this blog — you’re a real source of inspiration for me!



  103.  #103Daria on November 11, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Barb hugs. Thank you. I feel like sobbing and shaking. This is good.



  104.  #104Daria on November 11, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    And ! I’ve learned recently – like this year – how to draw energy everywhere I am. I don’t have to rely on romania to feed my soul… This is a huge and wonderful change and blessing.

    I started with Rori’s tools 4 years ago, and have healed this heartbreak that I never would have imagined I could Ever be free of. I am so blessed.

    I want to share this with all the people in the world, happiness.

    Fir me , my lived ones, and every human.

    It’s true that All hurts can be healed, even yours. It’s true that all dreams can come true then.., that’s what I’m exploring now.



  105.  #105BarbinOz on November 11, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    #102 Daria

    A big hometruth for me coming up.

    You kind of remind me of my daughter in some ways and I am old enough to be your mother, but of course you are a young woman not a child, and last night I did to you what I do to her sometimes, I don’t listen at level 2 and try to dismiss things.

    I need to pay more attention to that in myself, it is a bad habit I have gotten into.

    (((HUGS)))



  106.  #106Daria on November 11, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    The more aware of energy I am, the way clearer this becomes… Without realizing it, so many spirit things are in the colors, the smell, the sounds and words, and we learn to feed our spirit from these things, now, since many of u’s aren’t used to worshipping nature, it is subconscious.

    When moving somewhere else, especially without a big group of our people, we don’t know how to draw from the spirit of the land, and because mostly we are unconscious to these processes, we don’t see, hear. The spirit.

    I started with slowly talking to the trees. Smoking ganja helped so much to do this. The trees mountains talked to me long ago and told me about the land and native people here. When I learned about Orishas, and how to feed with song and dance And blessing daily activities, I opened up and now feel the joy in everything here, smell the air and it feels good, feels happy instead of heartbreak I would feel when something touched on happy.

    That from Imanja from brazil, and opening with Babysteps that I can have happiness.

    :).

    And when I had my brothers – that i found here – around me was another blessing to hold me through. Until I got here to happiness.

    I am happy!

    And I will become more and more so. Thus is certain like sunrise.

    I used to die a bit when someone asked me if I was happy… Happy? Who me? I was so far from happy that it hurt that someone would think to ask.

    Thank you Rori, and Imanja, and Daria and all my happiness guides.



  107.  #107Daria on November 11, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    Barb – hugs ! Babysteps work the fastest.



  108.  #108Daria on November 11, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    I am having great progress relating to my parents, at first it felt so discouraging and like no progress at all, just getting crushed over and over, being truthful with feelings – alliwing myself to cry when they could hear – was my steps..,

    I then just healed so much and Fast.

    Now I can see improvements they have better boundaries With Each Other. It’s an energy thing when one person has healthy happy energy the others naturally pick it up, for themselves without realizing it…

    It’s awesome just think it’s just the beginning this is going to be amazing!



  109.  #109Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Judo man just sent me a link to a video about a zombie couple in thereapy….turns out the woman is a zombie lesbian.
    EWWWW.
    He’s doing this cause of the joke in class about how I like zombie movies and he likes lesbian porn and wouldn’t it be gross if they were the same thing.
    But this feels like not sexy to me.
    It kills my horny.
    Why are dudes so wierd?



  110.  #110Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Jennifer,

    who knows ?
    they all do stuff that makes me think do you really think that line or joke is gonna make me fall all over you ????? lol
    Just write ewww i feel disgusted ! lol



  111.  #111Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    Pepe
    I told him it felt gross and killed my horny.
    But I also felt amused cause he remembered the joke.
    This is all true…so there ya goes.



  112.  #112Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    “Why are dudes so wierd?”

    Zombie movies seem weirder than lesbian porn to me. lol.



  113.  #113Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    lucy,

    looooooooooooooolll



  114.  #114Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    no, no.
    I dont’ think he’s wierd cause he likes lesbian porn (although according to my lesbian room mate there are fewer things less lesbian that “lesbian” porn.)
    I think he’s wierd cause he surfed the net and found a clip with lesbain zombies in it.
    EWWW
    how many times can I say lesbian in one post.
    Lesbian
    lesbian
    lesbian.



  115.  #115Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    Did you ever see the movie “I Love You Man”? Two of my guy friends said it was hilarious, non-stop laughing… so, wanting a few good laughs, I rented it, and was completely underwhelmed by the “humor.” I got two very small chuckles out of it, but was mostly just grossed out.

    Lol. Zombie lesbian video — yeah, that’s pretty weird.



  116.  #116Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    killed my horny.



  117.  #117Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    TN man just texted me, “Did you read my reply on fb?”

    I’m not ready to answer his reply on fb, so does that mean I’m not ready to answer this text either?

    Any ideas?



  118.  #118Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    um…tell him FB kills your horny?



  119.  #119Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    “killed my horny”

    Jennifer, are you repeating that about the zombie-lesby clip or “I Love You Man”?



  120.  #120Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    117 LOL!!!!!!



  121.  #121Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    the zombie lesby clip.
    FOR REAL.
    I’m gonna call J and get some tea and oral.
    Cause so what? I’m still a rock star!



  122.  #122Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    I’m actually VERY surprised that he texted me that. He is usually very deliberately patient with me when waiting for a response, especially if it is something kinda heavy-duty. He usually waits DAYS to hear back from me… giving me time to mull things over.



  123.  #123Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    a guy who doesn’t call when he says he would KILLS MY HORNYYYYYY ! lol



  124.  #124Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Awesome. Is that the married dude? Does he save enough for his wife? (just curious if that ever becomes an issue)



  125.  #125Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    yup, pepe….
    it ALL kills my horny.



  126.  #126Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    Well, gee Lucy.
    I never thought about it.
    I guess cause I feel like thier relationship is none of my business.
    I know she knows what’s going on and I feel like that’s where my responsibility ends.
    Hmmmm……interesting question



  127.  #127Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    Yeah, the reason I’m curious about it is bc in my marriage, my ex-h’s strip club and hooker habits did NOT leave enough for me. (I didn’t know he was doing these things at the time, but I DID know I wasn’t gettin enough!)



  128.  #128Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    Hmmm…….
    I empathise with that.



  129.  #129Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    Now I’m avoiding going on fb cuz I don’t want TN man to see me on there and wonder why I’m not responding….

    I’m hiding on SIren Island.

    And he can’t find me nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah



  130.  #130Brenda on November 11, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    Lucy,

    Why are you avoiding him?



  131.  #131Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    I feel curious about worrying about TN man’s feelings.
    I feel good if Lucy worries about Lucy’s feelings.



  132.  #132Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    Maybe J’s wife is more like my lil sister — she says she’d be happy for her hubby to get an extra wife to service him and help with housework lol



  133.  #133Brenda on November 11, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    Tell TN Man he’s a snack!



  134.  #134Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    I think that J’s wife could use the break!
    ROFLMAO!



  135.  #135Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    I’m not worried about his feelings — I’m protecting my own feelings… I don’t want him to pester me, for my own sake.



  136.  #136Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    Brenda, I think he already knows that. lol. 🙂



  137.  #137Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    ahhh…..
    I seee.



  138.  #138Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Jennifer, what are you still doing here? If you’re not gonna call J, I will!!! lol



  139.  #139Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    ROFLMAO!
    I’m debating
    I had bowen therapy yesterday for my ovarian cysts.
    I’m not in judo tonight cause bowen lady advised against it.
    So I’m wondering if getting thrown around a bedroom would have an equally detrimental effect.
    Plus my belly is a little sore.



  140.  #140Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    Okay. Sorry about your belly. What’s his number?



  141.  #141Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    1 800 eat pussy



  142.  #142Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    LOLOLOLOL!!!!!



  143.  #143Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    loooooooool
    eat pussy ! looool
    jennifer ur funny !



  144.  #144Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    jennifer,

    u text him it killed ur horny ? or ur just telling us the zombie videa killed ur horny ? lol



  145.  #145Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    WH hasn’t been doing anything on fb lately. I miss seeing his adorable sexy face in my newsfeed.



  146.  #146Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    oh no pepe…
    I messaged him back on FB and told him it killed my horny.



  147.  #147Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    lol okay



  148.  #148Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    Well, I made my own tea. I don’t think I can eat my own pussy though.



  149.  #149Jennifer on November 11, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    SHEEEET!!!
    If I could do that I’d never leave the damned house!!!



  150.  #150Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    lucy,

    lol why are you running for tn man again ?



  151.  #151Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    What do you mean, Pepe?



  152.  #152Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    Isn’t it great how we’re on comment 150 but still on topic on this thread (snacks)?



  153.  #153Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    lucy,

    why r u avoiding TN man ?



  154.  #154Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Pepe, I am avoiding him bc I am not ready to answer his fb msg. He texted me and asked me if I read the fb msg. I read it, yes, but not ready to talk about it further with him.



  155.  #155Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Ack, I feel so sad about the tone of the comments that are still going on with that other thread. 🙁



  156.  #156Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    lol, gotcha but he’ll see that u r avoiding him if you don’t respond the text



  157.  #157tinque on November 11, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    okay you all just killed my horny lol. eating one’s own pussy?
    xxoo



  158.  #158Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    He won’t know I am avoiding him. Maybe I am on a date and not checking my phone. Maybe I dropped my phone in the toilet. Maybe I’m in jail and they took my phone. Maybe I am shopping at Kohl’s and have zero bars.



  159.  #159Pepe on November 11, 2010 at 4:15 pm

    true that lol



  160.  #160Turtle Girl on November 11, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    Just looking at some of the pictures on the dating sites kills my horny………eeeeewwwwww………some of these guys really need picture makeovers…..I mean seriously……wow….and they post them actually thinking we will respond? blows my mind.
    But I guess to each his own…….



  161.  #161Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    TG, I totally agree. Over the past few months, my CDing/Siren goal has been to be able to look at whatever picture comes up with a wink or msg and not react with “ewww.” It has been really hard to train myself that way! But I felt like I wanted to change that kneejerk response and be more open like Rori says to be. I don’t have to date them or even respond to them — I just want to be able to look at them with acceptance. lol. I’ve gotten pretty good at it too. I usually have to brace myself before opening msgs, then I’m okay and feel a bit of a warm fuzzy for the guy, regardless of his pics.

    I wonder if guys have the same kind of experience???



  162.  #162Brenda on November 11, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    I am having a snack attack! I’m going to run to the EatPussy Restaurant!



  163.  #163Senior Lady Vibe on November 11, 2010 at 5:23 pm

    @159: Turtle Girl says:

    “Just looking at some of the pictures on the dating sites kills my horny………eeeeewwwwww………some of these guys really need picture makeovers…”

    Which ones? I scouted a couple sites for research purposes only. I noticed that the OKCupid site photos were good. Then, when I checked out POF, the photos were terrible! Pixelated, shadowy and some guys so far in the distance they looked like specks. 😆

    SLV



  164.  #164Luzy on November 11, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    Hehe…

    Got another date set up for sat. afternoon; Just another coffee date. I don’t even feel butterflies for these guys I am accepting dates with, they are just by standers who have asked me out. I need to raise my self esteem and start to feel good again after being burned. Not looking for anything just going with the flow and learning. Baby steps…



  165.  #165Daria on November 11, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    Ive seen the lesbian zombie clip! it was funny ! to me

    and i like lesbian porn!

    and im not a lesbian… nto even bi!

    haha



  166.  #166life_is_too_short_to... on November 11, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    151 Lucy

    “Isn’t it great how we’re on comment 150 but still on topic on this thread (snacks)?”

    LOL LOL that tickled my funny bone!

    OK, still on topic….speaking of snacks

    I spoke to Rose Cole once (wellness coach who Rori likes) talking about snack food men and she referred to “chocolate cake”

    Real sweet and heavenly exciting delectable hormonal bad boy fix, but more than a little would not be good for your health

    Her Wise Women Powwows sound pretty cool, cost about $15,000 USD though…yikes!!



  167.  #167Daria on November 11, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    tinque – stop frontin! you KNOW you wish you could (eat it). youre the queen of self pleasure right?

    it is fun touching it so why not eat it lol



  168.  #168life_is_too_short_to... on November 11, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    Do you know why a dog licks its balls?

    cuz it can 😉



  169.  #169Daria on November 11, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    Luzy – you’re doing great… and you have the right attitude… also… I would start to look for “the message” from each man



  170.  #170Daria on November 11, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    these guys that I felt great with, I got triggered by one today… when i felt great with them.. I was really sinking into my guitar shaped pelvis and feeling my heart, and slowing down and NOT answering questions… just hmm. letting my energy feel and then responding from my feelings

    right now i was on the phone and fiorgot to do that and wound up feeling angry and tense (he was asking me why i didnt call him)

    i rememberd to sink in and i felt better



  171.  #171Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    Got a new kind of pretzel to eat with my hummus. They’re called Old-fashioned Dipping Sticks. 😀



  172.  #172Kati Jo on November 11, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    He’s either clueless or doen’t care about you? Hmmmm… How to know the difference, and what do you do if you think your hubby of 30 years doesn’t care “enough” about you?



  173.  #173Daria on November 11, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    feeling sad cuz felt kinda bad with this guy on the phone… like ok. but also kinda judgemental and tense

    hmm

    i feel a bit sad now and my mouth feels tight

    i love my sadness and my tight mouth

    and that feels like

    sigh

    i love my sigh

    and that feels like

    hot chest anger

    i love my hot chest anger

    and that feels like

    melting and leanig sidewarys

    i love my melting and learning sideways

    and that feels like

    yawning

    i love my ywan

    and that feels like

    more yawning

    i love my yawn

    and that feels like

    feeling sleepy

    i love my sleepyness

    and that feesl like

    itchy cheeks

    i loce my itchy cheeks

    and that feels like

    lite tension in forehead lifting

    and i love my light tension in forehead lifting
    a
    nd that feels like

    mmm

    i love my mmm

    and that feels like

    ywaning

    i love my ywan

    and that feels like tightness in mouth

    i love my tightness in mouth

    and that feels like huhuh

    i love my huhuh

    and that feels like hafl ywaning

    i loce my half ywan

    and that feels like

    tension in left cheek

    i love my tension in left cheek

    andt hat feels like

    big ass yawn and huh

    i love my big ass yawn and huh

    and that feels like

    smiling and excitiement cuz my mom i hear the garage



  174.  #174tracy on November 11, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    I need your help! i was involved with a man for about 6 months.let me say im 44 and hes 42 were not babies! ive been married twice and him three times.we met and really hit it off .we were totally into each other.i live 4 minutes from him,so we really spent alot of time together,getting to know each other.we would do things together,he called me every day to see how i was everything was good.I was happy for awhile.Then things started to change alittle bit,he started to get distant.so i had a talk with him,because we were not going out anymore and not doing things together,we were staying at his house,eating together and watching tv and i would sleep over.I would go to his house because after my 2nd divorce i moved back with my parents.Well i wasnt happy with him.After we talked he said everything was fine,so i let it go.cause i thought he understood what i was saying.I did notice he is selfish,he has been alone with his daughter for 8 years.and he had some walls built up from his 3 failed marriages.i understand all that.i feel he wasnt there for me emotionally when i need him,but im there to listen to him when he needs me.at the end of august he did something so inconsiderate.i needed him emotionally and he wasnt there for me he totally shut down and acted like it was no big deal!i totally ignored him for 3 weeks and didnt return his phone calls.after i cooled off i called him and asked if we could talk ans he said yes.i went over to his house and told him i was sorry for acting that way but i was really hurt! he was so angry at me and basically blamed me for everything.he said i dont think i want to be with you any more.You play games he said.After that i told him all my feelings for him.i told him i want you in my life,and that i want to be with him.and at the end i told him i was in love with him.I said that the ball was in his court and he can decide what he wants,and i will except whatever decision he makes.I said he will never hear from me again.He said i have to think, i need to process this.I said ok ,i kissed him goodbye,he said he would call me.I got in my car and drove away.I let him go that night.that was sept.20.I thought that was it i would never hear from him again.i went on with my life.i was at peace with myself because i told him how i felt.about 3 and a half weeks later i was out with my girlfriends,dancing and laughing and having a great time.we always have a great time!It was getting late so we decided to leave i picked up my phone and i looked and saw i had a text message.guess who?it was him asking if i was awake.i didnt respond to the next day.then he responded back saying he was ready to talk now,that he thinks he has his thoughts straight finally!so i answered ok you let me know when.he said he would call me to meet that night to talk.Well that was 3 weeks ago.What happened? What do you think.He never called me.Hes a scared little boy! I love him and want to be with him but i want a real relationship and if he cant give it to me ,we wont have nothing.I will not settle for crumbs.So i have been living my life,having fun.Im not bragging but everyone tells me im a very attractive woman,I get asked out alot.I have met another man that im dating and he is very good looking,financally well off,we have been going to dinner and dancing and having a great time.So im really ok.ill be fine.What i want to know is did i do the right thing by totally dissapearing from his life and totally leaving him alone.I would never call or chase him.I feel if him and i ever have a 2nd chance this is what i have to do.dissapear from his life.I miss him but iam really ok.so tell me what you think.why did he run away? thanks!!



  175.  #175Jacqueline on November 11, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    I so want to get some feedback about what you all think about my new MALE boss!! who calls his mother, with a background in education…..about HR issues. So, how’s this gonna work for me?

    Feels exciting and weird, too…..

    J



  176.  #176Senior Lady Vibe on November 11, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    @173: Jacqueline says:

    “…So, how’s this gonna work for me? …

    Well…..she’ll be running you…or trying to…

    SLV



  177.  #177Hadassah on November 11, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    Just made an online dating profile on POF. Pretty much forced myself to do it. I hate bars, and the only places I really go to are the post office and Wal-Mart (mind you, I look adorable when I go, but still).

    Not holding my breath about anything, trying to not have expectations about it one way or another – as in, I don’t want to go into it thinking MAN this is a waste of time all these guys are losers, nor do I want to think I am going to definitely meet my husband. Maybe these are men that, like me, work a lot and don’t get out much.

    I really hope I don’t have too many older than my dad, weighs 300 plus pounds, don’t have a job, etc. men trying to contact me.

    I feel… saucy. Still no word from the bf from his random text about buying cheap wine earlier. How much do you want to bet he either a) texts me tomorrow asking to come by for dinner or b) just shows up at my house? I wont be here if he does show up. I do care about him, but I don’t think it is going to go anywhere. So I will just date him if he asks me out and if I want to go!



  178.  #178Jacqueline on November 11, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    Hi, SLV – the mom? She couldn’t tell him how to fix it – I could feel him tensing up, etc. and said – don’t worry, I’ll handle it. So now I’ve got to get a leasing agent to change her whole appearance – without! getting into that HR political incorrect place.

    Or, I can just hang in there until she makes ANOTHER mistake like not showing someone the model?!!

    Ah, well….Rori says feeling messages are good with work too. I felt good when I acknowledged his feelings that he wanted to give the girl a chance and he jumped at it. and then I said I need a team…and he was all over that. So, I guess I’m saying I think this will be interesting from a feeling message/communication style – as opposed to other male bosses which were more results oriented and/or make the coffee stuff??

    Thanks for commenting! Hope the online searching is going ….well, however you want it to go??

    Best,
    J



  179.  #179Hadassah on November 11, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Daria – did some of the TTapp free moves. Not even 10 minutes worth. Got up to get a drink and was like WHAT? How do my abs hurt? Already??? AWESOME!



  180.  #180Jacqueline on November 11, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    Here’s what I need:

    No visible tatoo above boob
    No tongue metal stud
    Toes painted or feet with heavy calluses NOT in clunky sandals – this is the hardest cuz I want to wear sandals, too….
    Hair cut, or pulled back
    Last night’s makeup washed off, and hopefully a bit reapplied
    Not to wear the same rayon mid calf with slit up to knee skirt with man’s wifebeater under and button shirt in weird fabric rumpled every day over it.

    Not to have someone show up two different times and not walk her upstairs to the model apt, to hand me the key and not even know the unit #….that I can fix – it’s the first part I’m not sure of – at my old job, I’d of just brought her a pair of my old black slacks, gave her a pedicure certificate and asked her to get a jacket. But this is new game?? and my back’s not covered like it was!

    Thanks…

    J



  181.  #181FeelDespair on November 11, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    Rori! I have been working through your reconnect your relationship program, and its great…
    I know you say not to beat myself up..However I feel I completely lost control, over a chat session with my guy, and I told him “I feel weird to ask, but is there someone else in your life?”
    (I have been wanting to speak to him face to face on this and feel reassured because I Have felt there is someone else… but on chat i just blurted it out)

    He didnt answer this question, instead he went quiet, and signed off, and then he didnt pick my calls.

    I need advice on how to fix this.. i know he is the kind of guy who can go very silent when he is upset…

    Advice will be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you for the wonderful work you do.



  182.  #182Brenda on November 11, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    I’m having a snack attack! I want a Ryan-dog with extra mayo! LOL!



  183.  #183Nikita on November 11, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    snack ATTACK !!!



  184.  #184Jacqueline on November 11, 2010 at 8:57 pm

    Hey Brenda….hot diggity dog!!! so how’s the kittens??? omgosh….I feel a totally inappropriate wordplay on that. but I sincerely hope the kittens are not traumatized and all is good….

    and sweet dreams!

    Jbad



  185.  #185Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    so if my mind is making a judgment, e.g. “you are not very intelligent based on the sh*t coming out of your mouth” then that means i am judging a part of myself as not intelligent? even if i believe i am very intelligent? how does that work?



  186.  #186Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    i feel disappointed that i can’t write on the other thread on my phone. LG and Daria, I am feeling grateful for you tonight, reading your posts on there.



  187.  #187Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    daria daria daria i would like help with 182 if the genie so desires



  188.  #188Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    oh! genie daria, that does not mean that the judgment in 182 is directed at you! no no no!



  189.  #189Nikita on November 11, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    182# I have wondered about this as well. When I see big legal words but a poorly structured sentence, I do feel irked by it….. But I’m a wordsmith so maybe it’s my hidden perfectionism? Or a need to do quality control?? I respect that English may be someone’s second language but when they are trying to be logical when their sentences aren’t and they are getting snippy-that’s annoying, like a paper cut.



  190.  #190Nikita on November 11, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    Or a run-on sentence 😉 which I have mastered btw



  191.  #191Apple Jacks on November 11, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    I feel excited and tired. Tomorrow I meet understanding guy. It’s so late. My allergies are kicking in. My eyes are looking slightly puffy because of that. I even did an ocular massage and everything. I hope they don’t look puffy tomorrow. I feel a new breakout on my chin. What? What’s with all the breakouts, lately? I know it’s my time of the month’s end but even yet I have not broken out like this in years. I feel frustrated! Wanna do some yoga and skin brushing before I sleep.



  192.  #192Daria on November 11, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    Lucy – genie here! Yes that is correct.

    As you may know judgements are formed because of things someone else taught u’s or even directly said to u’s. That’s why they often sound like a parents voice.



  193.  #193Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    ty genie! so what do i do with that judgment then? it is my version of fck u at this precise moment.



  194.  #194Daria on November 11, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    ““you are not very intelligent based on the sh*t coming out of your mouth”. Perhaps someone once said this to you once. A part of you trembles in fear: oh no, if I don’t say stuff just right, I will not be considered intelligent.., and that limits you from full expression …

    You will continually be holding back to analyze if what you said is just right in an effort to please the judger…

    So it cuts on creativity and feeling comfortable with self..,



  195.  #195Daria on November 11, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    U do a stranger exercise to talk and give rose and hug that part of you that You secretly think is not intelligent



  196.  #196Daria on November 11, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    And u notice the judgement and instead express the feeling. Reminding yourself that you love yourself



  197.  #197Daria on November 11, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    Haddassah – t tapp rocks!



  198.  #198Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 9:57 pm

    hmm wow. i do have a memory now of maybe my mom expressing that sentiment when i was too upset to be logical and accurate. and she would probably have been correct. so… i judge ppl who are not being logical and accurate when the problem is actually that they r upset. but they THink they are speaking intelligently and “debating” when actually they r upset and would fare better speaking their feelings instead.



  199.  #199Daria on November 11, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    Lucy – doesn’t mean you weren’t intelligent. Yes. If you find that you can also do inner child hugging and get in there and tell her mom is w the bullshit ( mom is under influence of own beliefs) and that she’s very intelligent no matter what she says, and that you are here to protect her and always will.



  200.  #200Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    so when i see ppl “debating” when they r upset and they r saying inaccurate things, i judge them as not intelligent but what i am Feeling is Helpless sad angry bc it triggers how i felt as a child trying to express thoughts when i was too upset to be logical and accurate.?



  201.  #201Daria on November 11, 2010 at 10:18 pm

    hmm… i feel unsure about that last part Lucy…

    when I make that Judgement, I am gonna trigger that stuff… so maybe yeah…

    and also,

    I might be getting triggered in other ways by the debate than just that judgemente…

    like… feeling helpless watching two people fight,

    feeling angry when I have felt attacked similarly, etc etc



  202.  #202Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    and i want them to stop bc it reminds me of that bad feeling as a child!! so i can have compassion on that child and Then i can have compassion on the other ppl instead of judging them!! yay! ty genie goddess daria!



  203.  #203Daria on November 11, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    Rori teaches that’s its not necesary to find out exactly when the pattern started etc, but just to do the tools (stranger and self-embracing speech are examples) and babystep to no judgement

    so you may be like, hm.. i notice im judging, ok.. i dont want to do that, how am i FEELING

    and then of course love feelings and self with the feelings…



  204.  #204Daria on November 11, 2010 at 10:21 pm

    Lucy – yes. Of all of these, I like stranger because it’s very powerful and afterwards the shift in myself is dramatically noticeable



  205.  #205Daria on November 11, 2010 at 10:21 pm

    but i Do the others more lol (hehe)



  206.  #206Nikita on November 11, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    Precisely 🙂



  207.  #207Lucy on November 11, 2010 at 10:31 pm

    yeah it’s weird, i notice that what bothers me the most in these fights is the inaccurate statements bc they make me feel hopeless and helpless about a resolution. that’s why expressing feelings instead is so much more effective in resolving conflict and building connection.



  208.  #208Daria on November 11, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    im feeling insecure

    i went really open with that Cd i met yesterday

    cuz he was texting me almost all day and i said i felt amazing etc

    and at nite that i felt so good in his arms (he picked me up as a hug! it felt aweseome… swoon.. he was handsome)

    then i went to bed

    i had texts from him ok can i have you in my arms agin tomorrow

    but i was sleep
    and didnt answer in the morning

    cuz >??

    ok

    BECAUSE he had come to meet me quickly before work

    and hes suposed to take me out friday nite (no set time tho)

    but anyway… i feel like, i dont really want to see him for a few min before his work… i dono

    in a way i feel glad he wants to see m

    but i also would feel better to go out with him on a real date next

    i felt afraid that if i saw him again it would feel too casual

    so anyway

    later he texts me

    so did you get daddys text last nite

    and i said

    lol yes. id feel better to go on a real date… what do you think?

    and he hasnt answered

    and i was feeling anxious and insecure

    and now im again feeling worried

    oih yeah

    he doesnt exist

    UGH sexy men

    throwing me off balance

    I WAS FINE!!! before engaging in Romantic texting with him

    UFFFFFF

    FREAKIN ROMANTIC TEXTING

    i wasn’t “too busy” for it and now i feel like

    vulnerable

    “what if i turned him off? what if i sounded like a bitch? what if the vibe was all off compared to really comfortable in my body when he met me?”

    i love my feelings

    they are

    tightness

    tightness around my knee and inner hip

    tightness in my mouth

    tightness in my heart

    i love my feelings!

    im Not trippin about not hearing from the other CD that i met the day before

    but its just that this one was texting me all day and then

    nothing now

    im all good

    i feel insecure and i Love my insecurity!



  209.  #209Daria on November 11, 2010 at 11:00 pm

    I have a CD meeting scheduled for tomorrow at 2 30

    and now i realilze i want to go to my Goddess meeting (I thought it was last week but its not!)

    at 7 pm.

    So i wouldnt be available to see him till 10

    hehe~!

    FU9ck HIM

    he can show up if he wants to or not

    i have a million men that want me and i find all of them intriguing and i like spending time with all of them

    what was so special about him?

    well he was handsome (but so what)

    and i liked the way he talked (but so what)

    and i created a fantasy of him being a gangsta and really feelin me and callin me a high status woman and him a regular {dude} and me feeling flattered

    THATS Y

    and… he texted me all that wonderful feeling ish after

    extra y

    mmm

    so what if he never talks to me again

    i am the ISH

    of course he WILL TALK TO ME AGAIN

    im feeling afraid ill lose him,

    cuz i was supa feelin him…

    y

    cuz of the texts, mostly

    i liked how he said

    i love how youre so soft… MMMM

    MMMM

    and the way he picked me up im like

    omg

    and i was feeling so comfortable with myself

    AND I GOT ALL ANXIOUS this morning when i got the text about him wanting to see me agian TODAY, and I Actually wanted to wait and see him on our real date Tomorrow,

    but im not sure WHY, i didnt want to see him today,

    i guess cuz i diddnt want to be taken for granted to just chill in his car, BEFORE a date

    i guess maybe Because i was so excited that a “cool dude” like him was gonna take me out

    umph

    well…

    this is a sign that cool dudes are coming my way and wanting to take me out

    this was one of th efirsts
    MOre universe more!

    i feel tingly and excited!



  210.  #210Nikita on November 11, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    I feel sleepy, meow 😉

    Nite$



  211.  #211Rosa on November 11, 2010 at 11:17 pm

    Hadassah ,

    What a wonderful turn around !
    It sounds like your self esteem is soaring and the higher you go the better the view and the fitter you get the less you need empty carbs and greasy cals..

    What is it about these situations? The more free you are to actually HAVE a REAL relationship, with dating pre-planning, variety, consideration and respect- the scarcer he becomes!!!

    I believe the Snack Food Guys spot that self esteem and value rising and RUN . Who cares why ! There are snack outlets on every second corner 🙂

    Keep him for a nibble when it suits you and go check out the organic wholefood restaurants :0



  212.  #212Daria on November 11, 2010 at 11:26 pm

    What if he thinks I was Dissing his time w me, getting triggered about “real date”

    Thank you voices . Love you,

    What about if he is morphing into superman right now so he can take ne in an amazing date Friday?

    What if he’s inspired and read my mind that I don’t want to text so much – and now he’s regrouping to really winme over

    Waaaaah I feel scared he’s decided I’m not so cool after all and I’m rejecting him and acting like a BIT’CH.

    I love my notch nessy rejecting and rejected self and my unworthy feelings yay.

    No matter what I love me!

    So the attractive men are still throwin me off balance huh. But I love my offbalabnceself. Teeter tottering towards my happy forever after yeah!

    I thought I could handle it, i choose to handle it easy And feel good yeah.

    Maybe he’s subconsciously testing me.,, ha.

    I td him I feel live for him rite now hehe I did my heart was singing joy, I love my joy singing heart. I love my non abandoning self heart.

    I love my mind I choose to allow my mind to help me by envisioning wonderful scenarios of this and him a messenger that I’m really pulling in the ones I like now, the ones I think are cool, yup yup yup

    And it’s all about how I’m treated, and this half a day no texting is Not something I worry abou, I’m fact I can’t Lise here, it’s not about hi
    He’s just a grey blob it’s that heart open joy love felling I felt and that is Mine!

    Yeah. I’m getting thrills and heart openings and that feels great! More universe more, the man doesn’t matter it’s My ferlings there is no man just energy yeah I felt great thrilled and open yesterday and hey I felt that way the day before too on the phone! Yahhooo. I had forgotten . More open more more! Yay!



  213.  #213Daria on November 11, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    Love Rosa!



  214.  #214Rosa on November 11, 2010 at 11:31 pm

    SLV

    I am interested in your mention of waiting a year or so , and correct me if I am remembering wrong , but is this something you have mentioned here a couple of times? Doing “research” and learning for later on? Before starting to date?

    I was wondering if you are holding a belief that you will be ready to eat in a year! And if so , when were you deciding that? And what about a snack while you are waiting soooo looong without a decent meal?

    It just occured to me to ask as I was reading your wonderful , funny, insightful contibutions and thinking , “what a woman! “A snack treat might be yummy !



  215.  #215Rosa on November 11, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    Hiya Daria

    My house is full of coral pink huge roses from my female boss, as she wants me to come back next year after my surgery!!

    I is feeling perky and positive and loved +++++++



  216.  #216Rosa on November 11, 2010 at 11:33 pm

    Daria do you know any NLP?



  217.  #217Daria on November 11, 2010 at 11:34 pm

    I turned it around for me yay!!! I now think he got scared like I did (i felt it in my vibe) after the mega opening up and he’s questioning whether he has enuf to offer me and he”ll be back when he gets his confidence up! yay



  218.  #218Daria on November 11, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    Rosa – not too much, just a little off hand, Amber was actually talking about NLP earlier on this thread to help Meemee

    heya Amber…

    why do you ask?



  219.  #219Rosa on November 11, 2010 at 11:37 pm

    I am just reading a simple summary by Richard Bandler NLP inventor who used to write long and difficult texts, but this book is a terrific summary of actual real easy thinking stuff to do to change thought patterns and the feelings that attach.

    Get The Life You Want

    I just did his get over Bad Relationship while lying by a pool in wonderful sunshine …sooooo goooooood !@!!!



  220.  #220Rosa on November 11, 2010 at 11:39 pm

    I have a Master NLP but this book simplifies everything down to the simple stuff most people need.
    Like deal wioth procrastination., anxiety, phobias etc



  221.  #221Rosa on November 11, 2010 at 11:41 pm

    Amber S #31 Yes I do use NLP – see above comment.
    Brenda, this tool would work 100% re Ryan

    Note ONLY IF you want to move on and get over it and start afresh. We are all a bit resistant to that. Richard Bandler said it took 4 years after his wifes death till he was ready to modify the memories and put someone else in his future.



  222.  #222Daria on November 11, 2010 at 11:45 pm

    Rosa – i see a lot of NLP in Rori’s work, a la putting him on the back of our horse, making him a cheerleader,

    the tool i just did (i Think this was Rori’s or i made it up myself)

    where I make the guy a grey blob so then i can just notice the Energy i felt/ feel, not Him etc

    and many of her visualizations likethe hundred men exercise

    through the tunnel

    etc etc

    i feel so excited that i JUST HAD SUCCESS WITH THIS NOW

    I am TRULY feeling at ease about this guy when earlier i was feeling anxious and insecure!



  223.  #223Daria on November 11, 2010 at 11:45 pm

    Rosa – what’s a cool exercise we can use from the book?



  224.  #224Rosa on November 11, 2010 at 11:50 pm

    OK DSirens , any of you who are awake and want to remove old negative relationship from your life…
    this plays with brain codes, I do it all the time!!!!

    A la Richard Bandler…. “Falling Out of Love Pattern”
    1. Think of the person
    2. Remember all the good memories with them . SEE yourself IN the memory . Then run them backwards, fast in Black and white and real small.

    3. Remember all thge BAD times and bad things they dis and bad FEELINGS and be there inside the memory remembering it and feeling bad.
    4. Take every bad thing they did and bad memory and run them continuously like a movie as if back to back one after another and keep running it till you get sick of it – may help to write down 5-10 bad memories to practice.
    5. Take something that is disgusting to you (eg bowl of raw liver, or dog poop ) and move their smiling face image into the middle of it/

    ^ . Imagine a wonderful future FREE of them and imagine yourself and step into the image (which incidentally becomes a new memory!)



  225.  #225Daria on November 11, 2010 at 11:56 pm

    Rosa – hehe thanks…

    I’ve done the backwards black and white movie technique before and it works

    Im would tweak it for myself though

    this guy is a man and… that makes a difference in how he deals with feelings …



  226.  #226Daria on November 11, 2010 at 11:58 pm

    i feel better feeling loving of that person yet free of them rather than be reminded of the bad times when i think of them OR of grossness…

    cuz eventually someone else will come back similiarly to this guy even if i make him icky…

    to heal my patterns



  227.  #227Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 12:00 am

    He says to move bad memories we have to feel tired of it , and cross the threshold into boredom.

    NEXT

    He does a beauty on anxiety. Think of a feared experience (being in the anaesthetic room next Wed before an 8 hr surgery)

    1. Feel it in your body, where do you feel it first?
    2. If its a knot in your gut NOTICE which way the energy spins, trace the direction by rotating your index finger. Then go faster and faster and SEE red arrows rotating in that direction .
    3. Take the rotating energy outside your body
    4. NOW reverse the direction and make the arrows BLUE , and notice the entirely different feeling you get. The feeling now is pulled back in the body spinning in opposite direction.
    5.keep spinning it in opposite direction while going faster and faster and noticing the changed feeling

    6. Now notice and imagine something that makes you entirely COMFORTABLE . (I imagine cuddling my big soppy blonde labrador retriever)

    7, Notice which direction this comfortable feeling spins as you imagine the feared experience going really well and working out great.
    8. as you do this look at all the real world in front of you , things you can touch and feel and hear.

    WORKED on me like a charm !!!



  228.  #228Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:03 am

    Rosa – nice! this one Rocks… i just did it hehe



  229.  #229Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 12:04 am

    I see your point Daria, but this one is to get rid of man -crack addiction, abuse , repeated patterns of picking the wrong kind of man.

    Its not to make you hate them.In fact it creates a neutral feeling . I feel like my crack man was only a greasy bowl of fries now.Take it or leave. Smells good when you’re hungry but leaves you bloated andlooking for the anti oxidants :).



  230.  #230Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:05 am

    Wow,… i got inspired and i just did a visualization of one guy i date that i see a lil boy in and just had the lil boy break out of a cage and start growing until he became a real man!

    awesome!



  231.  #231Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 12:06 am

    Mee mee , maybe you would like to consider doing the above exercise to get rid of the pattern with X?
    Remember we have to be ready to actually let go of them or we wont do it!!

    It takes 10-20 minutes.



  232.  #232Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:07 am

    Rosa – yes, BUT

    the last part of what i said is also something to consider…

    we may get “rid” of this man,

    but the energy he was bringing, will come back in the form of another man, until we Heal our past pattern



  233.  #233Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 12:07 am

    Love that ,

    Now Daria, if you want a future with him , put you in the picture with him in glowing colour, up big and bold and focused.



  234.  #234Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 12:11 am

    NLP doesnt speak to energy as such.
    Nor spiritual concerns of any kind
    But I believe that if you use tools like this to RESOLVE and LEARN , then maybe the energy really changes and something new comes instead.

    I believe that when we learn and use tools and share them we are accelerating our growth and then we get new challenges.



  235.  #235Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:14 am

    Rosa – definitely, these are awesome magic tools and its up to us how we use them

    I’m gonna let him step up… on his own

    I’d rather do a Glowing Hundred Men exercise hehe



  236.  #236Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 12:14 am

    Anyway the Book is Brilliant if you want to modify dysfunctional patterns in your life. I have lots of the texts and detailed stuff , but this is a wonderful easy practical manual to do to yourself.

    Richard Bandler “Get the Life you want”



  237.  #237Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 12:16 am

    Well I think the hundred men tool is a wonderful self esteem booster..Its a Glow Stick for me when i think of it!

    And what do we do when the doggy bag is full Sirens????



  238.  #238Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:19 am

    IM doing a hundred men exercise and its pretty damn awesome!

    theyre offering me cell phones, to call banks and settle my debts, offers to collaborate with famous rappers, parts in shows, teaching me how to write books, offering me rides, groceries, taking me shopping

    it feels Overhwleming

    Thank you GUYS!!!



  239.  #239Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 12:20 am

    Just thinking..I dont see this NLP stuff as in competition to Roris tools. The emphasis is more about clearing before you can even start to work on finding an amazing meal !



  240.  #240Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 12:24 am

    parts in shows? Wow send me a few spares with opera lessons and round the world first class tickets..



  241.  #241Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:29 am

    no, i don’t think it’s in competition… Rori uses it in some of her work… i noticed…

    what i mean is, each person can use NLP differently,

    I like the way Rori uses it, and certain other people

    and I don’t like others



  242.  #242Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 12:35 am

    Funny thing is I am multi skilled in NLP and I only “think” to use it when i really am ready to let go .
    The unconscious mind is a mindfield sometimes:)

    I am unconsciously now free after 5 years of negative pattern, because it no longer serves me to be ” unloved” or “misunderstood” or “used” or “victim”.
    The more I efforted at “MOVING ON” the less ready I was in fact.

    Cancer is like a fire accellerant in my life..I am burning out all the crap..next step is -stand aside world “I ” am stepping up!!!!! Look out for my book . Its simmering big time.



  243.  #243Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:36 am

    Rosa –
    are you here?

    this guy i havent met yet just said he’s gonna pay my phone bill for me

    Rosa?

    Im gonan like.. get tears in my eyes



  244.  #244Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 12:39 am

    I feel fresh and excited. I feel curious about the fascinating man who is on his way to be now.

    I feel so thrilled and happy and FREE (after doing my NLP exercises).

    I feel nervous that I wont know how to mention my fake breast , my cancer etc when i do meet him. i feel anxious about unclothing.

    I actually feel STRONG on the inside and vulnerable on the outsdie..sigh



  245.  #245Laughing Goddess on November 12, 2010 at 12:39 am

    I’m feelin Fruck That.



  246.  #246Laughing Goddess on November 12, 2010 at 12:43 am

    Not fruck that about the posts but fruck that about things that don’t feel good. Fruck not feeling good. Fruck that! I’m dedicated to feeling happy.

    Fruck that feels good to me. It feels like empowerment.

    Fruck my habits that I feel bound too. Fruck limiting beliefs. Fruck relationships that feel lousy. Fruck that.



  247.  #247Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 12:45 am

    Daria,

    You are experiencing the power of YOU.
    Magnet woman…anything steel that aint nailed down is sucked onto your breast plate..and that means MEN…and so you can now MELT…

    wow Im off to do the exercise..100 men with flowers and tickets and sunscreen lotion to rub on me and air tickets and cuddles……



  248.  #248Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 12:47 am

    Try FROCK That ..works for me LG

    Frock all that (clothe it in your sensual feminine energy…woohhhooooo)

    Lets all get FROCKED!!!!



  249.  #249Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 12:49 am

    I just love how the universe co-operates when we are in the flow , Daria ..the 100 men exercise , it took 5 minutes and hes paying your phone???? COOL



  250.  #250Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:50 am

    I am melting

    i feel stunned



  251.  #251Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 12:53 am

    I can feel the melting , so must he..yummm..
    I feel empathetic and calm



  252.  #252Daria on November 12, 2010 at 1:00 am

    Rosa – as soon as I heard you say that you always wanted more tits, i realized this is a blessing for you

    my DUI has been a blessing for me as have many things that looked scary from the outside

    the more tits thing may just be the tip of the blessing iceberg



  253.  #253Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 1:00 am

    I am feeling strange, Weekend before my surgery , lots of family and friends messaging me , blog friends chatting with me, people are there for me, gorgeous roses smiling at me..I am feeling lost.

    I am feeling very unlovable in my femininity. Seems every one wants to know who is caring for me, (ie , where does the buck end) Power of Attorney , Next of kin, showering me post op etc etc… when i say 19 yr old son , I feel their breath intake , i feel inadequate and not good enough to have a partner. I feel a failure as a woman. I feel very alone . Seems all the world with cancer has a “partner” to love them and hold them dear. I feel sad and i am crying.



  254.  #254Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 1:04 am

    Blessing Iceberg…I am feeling lettuce coming on Daria 🙂

    I am sure you are right. I am going to meet my man through this too. dont know how yet.

    A “feeling wobble ” is ok here and thats why I love the Sirens.



  255.  #255Daria on November 12, 2010 at 1:04 am

    Rosa – awww… give that part of you that feels that way HUGS and tell her this:

    I hear you! Thank you for being there for me. I embrace you!

    And I’m going to go on feeling better now, and doing what makes me feel good, and what makes me bigger and happier, so I can have more love and compassion to share with you and with the world.

    And I won’t abandon you, I promise.

    **

    This works for me big time.



  256.  #256Rosa on November 12, 2010 at 1:08 am

    It does feel munchable and smoothe to read those words. Will do.

    I am off now for the evening. Good luck with your phone-man Daria!!!

    Good Night



  257.  #257Laughing Goddess on November 12, 2010 at 2:23 am

    Daria: I’m having fun with your Fruck you tool. 🙂

    except for right now mine is fruck that.

    I’m really loving it 🙂



  258.  #258Daria on November 12, 2010 at 2:42 am

    LG – Fu9ck you! =D

    I feel happy!

    I feel so amazing.

    I credit a lot of it to the Fu8ck you tool and the Bitch Goddess voice I’ve been using here.

    I’m like a magnet for men and men’s attentions.

    hehe

    tonite i talked to a long time friend of mine and was still in goddess mode.. .lol…

    im like crap he’s not gonna be able to resist me right now lol

    I am like melting gold



  259.  #259Daria on November 12, 2010 at 2:44 am

    I can actually drop the energy in my pelvis now… and not think

    and observe my firelight

    over my sandbox

    my pelvis feels like a laid flat guitar with sand

    and my heartlight is like a flame

    everything else is ephemeral

    i can do this all the time now, everywhere

    its awesome



  260.  #260Daria on November 12, 2010 at 2:45 am

    sometimes i still feel tension in other places, like neck, tummy etc

    but i can focus on my pelvis and heart.

    i feel moved with gratefulness



  261.  #261Daria on November 12, 2010 at 2:49 am

    the other tool i’ve been using… which i didn’t mention right now, in conjunction with those,

    is the Skipping hte feel bad post.

    Read along, if something feels like an attack

    SKIP!

    or just skip alltogether

    this is in sharp contrast to before, when i conscienciously and curiously and (addictively) read every post.

    somehow, it wasn’t hard.

    if i Did see something, and moved on, and it still bugged me

    i told it Fu9ck you

    my guess is there was resistance to my fu9ck you bitch goddess voice

    and now i feel peach and calm

    im sure that was very important too

    focus on me

    my therapy

    my healing



  262.  #262Daria on November 12, 2010 at 2:50 am

    fuc9k everybody else

    and with a men, ive felt good about myself. express, not impress.

    they are awed. A w e d.

    and i feel good



  263.  #263Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 3:03 am

    @211: Rosa says:

    SLV I am interested in your mention of …Doing “research” and learning for later on? Before starting to date?… I was wondering if you are holding a belief that you will be ready to eat in a year! And if so , when were you deciding that? And what about a snack while you are waiting soooo looong without a decent meal?
    … “A snack treat might be yummy !…”

    Hi Rosa! Thanks for your complimentary post. I’m “developing a belief” rather than “holding a belief.” I’ll tell you right away, I’m not “waiting.” I’m “snacking” as I go…gazing and grazing… 😆 … but I’m the main course.

    Originally I thought I might explore some personal interests, learn more about myself and what I want these days, learn about the contemporary dating scene, gain some relationship tips, commune with some like-minded women, develop strategies and campaigns for beginning of year January 2011, basic research and marketing…

    I noticed that some of the ladies who post here on the blog have been dating for a number of years, so in the last few weeks I’ve reasoned there’s no need to rush (inspite of my being ancient) and I’ll pursue some personal goals. My first concern was dissolving an unfortunate attachment; I’m moving right along on that front.

    Now, I’m setting aside my online dating target date of Jan 2011 and concentrating on things that I want to do for myself and thinking I could easily spend a year on that. Perhaps men will be “desserts.” 😆 Isn’t there already a book by that name? I haven’t read it.

    Since the focus is now on me rather that “getting ready” for online dating, I’m presently in a “go with the flow” state of mind regarding meeting men. Maybe I’ll meet someone while I’m out there “doing my thing.” However, I probably will do a few campaigns (I haven’t defined these yet) if I see a need to build momentum because online dating would increase traffic in a way not possible or probable “in real life.”

    Yeah, it’s kind of a marketing project… 😯 😀 but I’ve already started…

    SLV



  264.  #264Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 3:18 am

    @216 Rosa

    I reserved, at library, that NLP book. Thanks for the reference. There’s only one copy and 14 ahead of me, so I’ll have to wait a while.

    How are you feeling these days?

    SLV



  265.  #265Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 3:44 am

    @Rosa

    I caught up on the posts and I see how you are feeling. I think YOU first, then PARTNER second, all in good time. I think everything is going to work out fine.

    Is the “100 man” exercise in the Bandler book? I’d like to try that.

    The movie exercise seems fun; I’m not sure how I’d like to use it or maybe I’m not ready for it. I’ve got to think about that one. I’m already moving toward a state of boredom with my “unfortunate attachment.” Maybe deleting to the “recycle bin” is better than “delete spam forever” button. 😆

    SLV



  266.  #266Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 4:41 am

    @ Rosa #208 – Thank you so much. I don’t know what opened my eyes to the whole situation lately – maybe my family being here, but I seem to see it for what it is. And of course he didn’t call or text me last night. So again – how much does anyone want to bet I get a 3pm text asking about me cooking him dinner, or he will just head over here to my place after he gets off work and be shocked when I am not here? So over it.

    And Rosa – Just focus on your healing, and let the doctors worry about the rest of it. And think about those amazing fake boobs that will defy gravity forever.

    @#243 LG – YES. Just yes. I am so right there with you it is amazing.

    Now onto the funny-started a POF account last night. A cute guy emails me with more than “hi.” So I check out his profile and it says he is looking to “hang out” which I am sure really translates to “I am looking for a piece of a&&”. Then my daughter starts fussing, so I log off and take care of her.

    Wake up this morning, check my email, and he writes me back an hour after the first email saying, “what, I don’t even get a thank you?” HOLY CRAP. This guy is a total jerk off, so glad I didn’t even bother.

    So feeling all B.I.T.C.H today as I have all week, I reply with, “Wow, I was going to send a nice reply to you well, right now since I had to log off fairly unexpectedly last night when my child started fussing. But now you just get a thank you. So thank you!” The meaning behind that for me being, “thanks for not even wasting my time on that one!”

    It’s like he wanted to either bully me into apologizing and emailing him back, or was trying to give me a sob story. Neither one of which was appropriate for his 3 sentence, “I liked your profile. You are real pretty. I think we have somethings in common, what do you think” email.

    And the thing is, before I might have responded with “Oh I am so sorry I just had to blah blah blah” and explained myself to someone who SO doesn’t deserve it.

    Now onto my “dilemma” – I don’t want to have the “this relationship is over” talk with the bf. I juts don’t want to. I get sick of being the one to talk about the problems in this relationship. I would still like to date him – literally. Go out with him, maybe have him come over once in a while, etc.

    I just KNOW that if I start talking about how I feel so distant, and we don’t communicate unless we are physically in the same room, and how I don’t like how that makes me feel he is going to start up with the, “but I love you and I’m sorry and I’ll call you more” and this will all only come up because he is going to say something like “want to fool around?” and when I say “no actually I don’t” he will go “well, why not? what’s wrong?” To be followed with my “I don’t feel close to you so I can’t have sex with you” because this has happened more than once and then we would have that whole conversation about how he loves me and of course he will try harder to communicate and BLAH BLAH BLAH I have heard it all before. And now I think he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear to placate me so I wouldn’t dump his ass.

    Any advice?? I would love some.



  267.  #267Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 5:41 am

    Good morning! I’m huuuungry! Maybe I can snack on Bill today!



  268.  #268Luzy on November 12, 2010 at 5:55 am

    It amaze me how Lazy some men can be these days. I got a txt from my yesterday date saying…

    Date: “so, What do you think?”

    Me: Hey, that is not fair you are putting all the pressure on me now…

    Him: yup

    Me: well I did not appreciate that you were texting your friend when I was talking, It made me feel neglected.

    Him: my bad.

    Him: So am I cute, Ok ,Ugly or what?

    Me: LOl you are funny…

    Him: well that tells me your answer and I am ok with it.

    Me: I will not ask you the same question, I will know with your actions or the lack of them.

    No more txts… lol this is funny 🙂



  269.  #269Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 6:13 am

    @265 Luzy – Seriously, men are SO lazy. But I think women as a whole need to accept SOME responsibility for it. It’s just like this post – we have one thing in mind, get something else, then accept and complain about it. The first step should be not accepting it, or accepting it on a superficial level only maybe, and just focus on our own lives.

    I really feel like the more we focus on our own stuff and making ourselves into these awesome goddess women that the less garbage we will take from anyone else, men included.

    And that is a good thing.

    I love how that texting convo went… that is a total turn off to me!



  270.  #270Luzy on November 12, 2010 at 6:21 am

    Hadassah: I agree, that is why I love this blog and Rory’s material. it has been helping me a big deal.

    In a different time before “Siren School” I would have acted different. Due to my obsession of being in a relationship I would allow a man do all wrong things and I will just try to fix it.

    Now I am understanding that it is not about being just in a relationship, but being in a relationship with the right man. The one I do not want to fix…



  271.  #271Mercedes on November 12, 2010 at 6:25 am

    J is not just a snack. I know that, but sometimes…he just…wow!

    I got home from work a little late last night because I had some errands to run and when I got there, I realized once again I have the most amazing lover a woman could ever ask for. There was dinner, brazilian jazz music playing, an open bottle of red wine and probably 50 candles lit…all around the hot tub outside. I cried. It was so beautiful.

    We talked until really, really late so I’m a bit sleepy today but it was worth it. Just holding each other in the warm water…laughing…talking…planning…dreaming. YAY! YAY! YAY!

    Just wanted to share. He’s not my snack. I’m not even hungry for snacks…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  272.  #272life_is_too_short_to... on November 12, 2010 at 6:48 am

    In my new CD situation, I don’t know if he’s lazy or is after equality. I think it’s equality. I strongly get that feeling. Even though he opened doors and payed and stuff. Definitely wanted me to lean in for the kiss. Said he’d like for the woman to initiate sometimes.

    I say it all depends what you’re working with. I’d like to get to fully trust myself to do what I feel like doing just as long as it’s coming from that place of no agenda expressing and playful childlike innocence.



  273.  #273Dorothea on November 12, 2010 at 6:56 am

    Rori, thank you for this amazing post. Just what I needed. You rock!!



  274.  #274Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 6:57 am

    #268 – Mercedes – I am happy for you, trying not to be jealous, and hoping one day I have a man that does that for me!

    #269-Life is too short – I don’t think there is anything at all wrong with going with your gut. In fact, had I listened to mine all those months ago, I would have ended my situation then. And I wouldn’t have taken him back after we broke up and he said all the right things and did all the right things for a bit!

    I just feel like he is selfish and lazy with relationships. And some women, not a RR Siren, would be ok with that. I am not. And I am ok with the fact that I am not ok with how he is with relationships. I deserve to feel special and cherished. If he doesn’t want to treat me that way, NEXT!



  275.  #275Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 6:59 am

    @268: Mercedes says:

    J is not just a snack. I know that, but sometimes…he just…wow!…”

    …I’ll have what you ordered, please… 😀

    SLV



  276.  #276Mercedes on November 12, 2010 at 7:03 am

    Hadassah: Thank you…I felt a little concern after I posted that I maybe shouldn’t have done that. I wasn’t thinking about making anyone jealous…just about sharing my happiness. Thank you for being happy for me and I believe you will have the right man for you. I believe everyone will. I don’t know if that man is in your life right now and he’s changing to be that right man or if it is someone new, but I do believe, with all my heart, that each and every one of us will have the right person for us and we’ll spend our lives with that person. Thank you…

    SLV: You made me smile…You can have something very similar…it’ll just come with your very own special spice instead of using mine… 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  277.  #277Dorothea on November 12, 2010 at 7:03 am

    So, I talked to LI last night…we got everything out on the table. We set new ‘ground rules’ for what getting back on track looks like. He understands that I am going to be spending a lot more time alone or with other men, and if he wants to see me, I am only a phone call and a plan away.

    I am not sure how I am going to not throw myself at him all the time. I am addicted. WHen it comes down to choosing between doing something to take care of myself in my free time or seeing him, I will choose him. Even if it involves me leaning forward. This doesn’t turn him off of me but it makes me CRAZY.

    I am so done with feeling crazy over men. I’m crazy enough on my own. Seriously! I plan to be spamming here a lot more. Thanks in advance, and you’re welcome for the warning:)



  278.  #278Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 7:06 am

    Can someone pretty please read my #263 comment and offer advice? I need it. I know at some point he is going to ask what’s up, and I need help with what to say without turning into full on bitch.

    I feel like I could have recorded the conversation we had last time I felt this way and just replay it for him!!!

    At least this time I know the game and I wont cry. I don’t feel sad anymore, just mad that I ever got involved in this and mad that I let it go on for so long.

    If he doesn’t bring it up, I wont bring it up. Because I don’t think I need to explain why I’m not cooking for him anymore or why I don’t feel like having sex – um, I can only do that with him when I feel close to him and like we are more than FWB. I don’t want that with him. And if that is all it is to him even though he tells me he loves me (actions speak louder than words and his are SCREAMING at me!) then I can’t be his gf.



  279.  #279Mercedes on November 12, 2010 at 7:11 am

    Dorothea: “WHen it comes down to choosing between doing something to take care of myself in my free time or seeing him, I will choose him.”

    yeah…that’s me…pretty much always has been and sometimes, that’s the piece I work on. Most of the time we’re all good spending all our time together, but sometimes, that the part of me I work on because in my opinion, that’s the one thing that could eventually be a problem for us (or at least I have a voice inside of me that alludes to it…).

    It’s funny though…the only time I really, really focused on working on me and leaving everything else behind was when J and I were apart. When we got back together, we did so as best friends and I still spend most of my time with my best friend. I don’t know if that’s a problem…but it is interesting to think about.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  280.  #280Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 7:14 am

    @274 Dorthea – Good for you for laying out the ground rules. I feel like that was very brave of you! Now you just have to stick to your guns so he knows you mean business!



  281.  #281AmberS on November 12, 2010 at 7:16 am

    SLV,

    I’ve been trying to find the post where Rori talks about the list and so far- zip! It’s just a list of things you like to do that you keep handy. When you catch yourself in a bad loop you stop and go do something on your list.

    I did find this post:
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/targeting-mr-right/power-self-esteem/from-problem-solving-to-more-love-step-3/

    Which is somewhat like the NLP idea I was posting about yesterday. I know many ‘professionals’ discount NLP as pop science, but hey- if it works…



  282.  #282life_is_too_short_to... on November 12, 2010 at 7:21 am

    271 I agree completely Hadassah. I should have listened to my gut and intuition a year ago as well.
    But now my EUM situation has crossed a threshold, where I do not feel controlled any longer and the boundaries are in place. It’s fading away. I’m sure there will be a few more extinction bursts, but that’s OK. No one is holding a gun to my head to do anything, at least I hope not (jk). Normally it wouldnt have taken this long but I had a significant emotional setback so it took longer. Now, I’m back, Baby, stronger than ever!!



  283.  #283Mercedes on November 12, 2010 at 7:24 am

    Hadassah: “then we would have that whole conversation about how he loves me and of course he will try harder to communicate and BLAH BLAH BLAH I have heard it all before.”

    I actually said to J once (and I’m not really recommending this but just telling my story)…”Everything you say right now is translating in my head to blah blah blah blah blah”.

    There are women here who are really good at knowing what to say in situations like yours (Daria really comes to mind…she good and makes it sound very, very natural)…I tend to speak without thinking (or feeling) and just say things like the above.

    I wish I could help, but what I hope I can do is make you smile a little today knowing you and I had the same thought…I just used my outside voice when I said it. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  284.  #284Dorothea on November 12, 2010 at 7:36 am

    I just want it to go back to how it used to be for the longest time. When I never felt the need for yelling or hysterics. When I could tell him feeling messages and don’t wants with confidence and care for myself. I wasn’t attached to the outcome then. But he was so drawn to my confidence and coolness that he started talking one day very often about wanting to marry me and have a future with me. And all that goodness of mine went out the door.

    I literally used to tell him I have so much respect for him, and I wouldn’t fathom yelling or criticizing him. It was true. And now that’s the furthest thing from the truth.

    Ok snack, in the doggy bag you go…

    I’m not going to yell at my snack for not being a meal. That won’t make it a meal. I can say “this is cold and gristley and I don’t want to eat it.” But yelling at it and criticizing it for being that way isn’t going to make it warm and fork tender.

    I feel silly! I feel grateful that he likes me so much anyway that I have the opportunity to try something different now.



  285.  #285AmberS on November 12, 2010 at 7:36 am


  286.  #286tracy on November 12, 2010 at 7:41 am

    hi! i need your advice.i was involved with a man for 6 months.Im 44 and hes 42.Ive been married twice and him three times.we met and hit it off great,spent alot of time together.he called me every day i was happy!I met his family.mother, brother,daughter.and he met mine.as time went on he started to become distant,there were some changes.he stopped calling me everyday we stopped going out,we basically were at his house all the time.i live with my parents after my 2nd divorce.He lives 4 minutes from me.I had a talk with him cause i wasnt happy.he said everything was fine so i left it alone.I noticed he is on the selfish side,he has been alone with his daughter for 8 years.and i also saw hes not there for me emotionally,but im always there for him.i feel he has alot of emotional issues due to his 3 failed marriages.He wont let me in.at the end of august he did something so inconsiderate ,i was so furious i tottally ignored him for 3 weeks.I needed him and he was not there for me.after i cooled off i went over to talk to him,i apoligized for the way i acted but i was hurt.he was so angry at me,blamed me for everything.and said he didnt think he wanted to be with me anymore.i told him right there my true feelings for him and everything i felt.i said i want you in my life,and i want to be with you.and i was in love with him.he sat there and listened.i said think about everything i said the ball was in his court,whatever his decision was i would except.he said he needed to think,hes confused.i kissed him goodbye and drove away.i let him go and never bothered him,i vanished.3 weeks later i was out with my girlfriends having a great time.when we left i picked up my phone and saw i had a text message.i was him asking if i was awake.i answered him the next day.he replied im ready to talk now,i think i have my thoughts in order finally!I said ok you let me know when.he said he would call me that night so we could meet and talk.that was 3 weeks ago!what happened?he ran away like a scared little boy.I want to be with him,but i want a real relationship.and i will not settle for anything less.and he knows that.tell me what you think.im dating someone else know,im having lots of fun!I think hes a scared rabbit!!



  287.  #287Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 7:47 am

    #280 Mercedes – that’s what I am afraid of. I get mad and just start running off at the mouth because I KNOW he is full of crap. I can SEE myself saying:

    “Know what the problem is? I took you back in August when I shouldn’t have listened to your BS once again. But you just HAD to go and tell me that you loved me, and I bought it, because I LOVED YOU. I don’t want to feel like I am a convenience to you. I don’t want to feel like I am an embarrassment to you if we get seen together in public so that’s why you don’t take me out. You should be proud to have an amazing woman like me with you. I don’t want to feel like you come over so I make you dinner and then we can snuggle or fool around and then you go home and it’s a thump and run and we don’t talk for days until you want me to make you dinner again! I feel like you replaced B (the FWB he had before we started “dating”) with me and I am not ok with that. I can’t just have sex with you anymore. It means something to me now. I don’t want a “going nowhere” relationship. I want my bf to WANT to call me and see how my day is going. I want my bf to WANT to take me out. I want my bf to WANT to take care of me and make my life easier in better in whatever way he can. I want to have a life together. I want us to make plans together, and we don’t. I want to spend the holidays together, and you aren’t planning on seeing me for Thanksgiving, (but he did ask if I would bake something for him to take home to his family, isn’t that nice of him?) or Christmas, or New Year’s. I want to make plans for the future together, and you don’t seem to be interested in any of those things with me, so I why should I bother? Feel free to call me if you want to take me out and date me, but that’s all it is going to be – dating. Give me my key. Here is your crap from my dresser. Have a great night. Bye.”

    But I am only going to talk to him if he brings it up. I’m not anymore. I am not invested in this. I am not having sex with him. I am not cooking for him. I am just not willing to do anything but date him.



  288.  #288Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 7:51 am

    @275: Hadassah says:

    “…Can someone pretty please read my #263 comment and offer advice?…”

    It’s your post #36 post which is the telling one. You’ve been dating him for a year; is there anything else you need to know about him?

    He doesn’t want to be a father to your daughter and has told you so, for the first six months of your relationship (the falling in love part?) he never kissed you except during sex, he has already made extensive holiday plans which do not include you, you are aware that his previous relationships have ended because of his lack of attention. These are things you’ve told us.

    My own opinion, based upon what I’ve read is: he’s stingy with his money, his time, and his affection. Get the Hell out of there, girl!

    You are young and cute, don’t waste your time settling for being his “girlfriend.” Don’t bruise your heart or wound your soul with a long drawn out complaints session. Put him on a “need to know basis.” Deal with one set of “feelings” messages ouat a time not a whole laundry list of “complaints.

    CD like crazy! If you start now you might have some sweet holiday dates of your own while he is enjoying himself elsewhere.

    You don’t have to “get rid of him” or “dump him” you can keep him in your rotation if he’s all that sweet, fun and the sex is good. But keep dating other guys too. IMHO, I think in the long run, you can do better.

    Focus on yourself and I believe things will take care of themselves. He will probably fade away…

    Rori Raye:

    “Don’t Let Go, Don’t Resolve, Forget Closure and Stay On Your Horse”

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/marriage/dont-let-go-dont-resolve-forget-closure-and-stay-on-your-horse/#comments

    xoxoxo,
    SLV



  289.  #289Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 7:56 am

    @Hadassah

    I did not mean to offend you by giving you opinions; I had written you a response after your #36 but decided not to post it. Since you asked, I offered the one above.

    SLV



  290.  #290Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 8:00 am

    @#284-This is what I am planning on doing – I just don’t feel I need to tell him about it. I do want my apartment key back and I can’t come up with a graceful way to say “gimme”. It’s nice to hear someone else say that I guess I have my game plan on the right path.

    I just have this feeling that he is going to ask me what’s up and then I feel like I have to explain SOMETHING to him. And I don’t like feeling like explaining myself because I don’t think his position in my life (which he created by his own choosing) necessitates explaining myself. Maybe THAT is where my discomfort is coming from.



  291.  #291Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 8:03 am

    @278: AmberS says:

    “…I know many ‘professionals’ discount NLP as pop science, but hey- if it works…”

    Thanks, Amber. I’m going to catch up on posts (they’re getting away from me, they’re getting away from me 😀 ) and then I will read the post. “The List” sounds like what I’m doing right now! Maybe more tips there!

    Re: NLP, “do what works” works for me…

    SLV



  292.  #292Mercedes on November 12, 2010 at 8:06 am

    Hadassah: I think everything you said in #283 is a graceful way of saying “gimmie”. 🙂

    but that’s just me…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  293.  #293Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 8:13 am

    @#285-SLV-You SO did not offend me at all! I wasn’t being obnoxious or anything – it really is nice to hear someone else think that I have my head set right on this whole situation for the first time.

    I can see why I got involved with him-I was way overweight, low self esteem, etc. a year ago. I am not the same person today, and I love who I am now. I don’t feel stupid about it, just that WOW people really do see what they want to see when they want to see it. But when you look back with the blinders off, it is a totally different thing!

    So thanks. I value your input. And I don’t think there is much that offends me, let alone the truth!



  294.  #294Orna Walters on November 12, 2010 at 8:14 am

    Rori this takes your concept of accepting “crumbs” to a whole new level! 🙂

    This is my favorite part:
    “And he says to you — “Well that’s the best I can do. “

    And so you go – “Okay…” – and you keep eating it.

    Only — you keep eating it and you keep complaining about it, too.”

    One thing that I know to be true is that even when we stop complaining and go to a different restaurant and place the order for what we want, that we are – for lack of a better word – TESTED.

    We end up seeing that hamburger and fires EVERYWHERE.

    I know that when we choose differently and take a new action, that we will be tested. . . its like the Universe is saying “You sure you don’t want this hamburger and fries? Wasn’t it kinda tasty?”

    A hamburger and fries is not going to satisfy us if we truly want that juicy steak – we would not even EXPECT it to!

    Being clear on what I wanted and accepting NOTHING LESS is exactly what brought me to my Beloved, Matthew.

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna



  295.  #295Luzy on November 12, 2010 at 8:22 am

    I am reading a book titled “Date Like a Man” by Myreah Moore…

    It is a simple read, however it does state some things Rory states here. One is that Men put themselves First.
    She also states about stating boundaries and dating more than one person so you don’t get hung up in one guy who is not totally committed to you…I am enjoying it and waiting for my modern siren CD’s.



  296.  #296Mercedes on November 12, 2010 at 8:26 am

    Orna: “Being clear on what I wanted and accepting NOTHING LESS is exactly what brought me to my Beloved, Matthew.”

    That’s what happened to me. Unfortunately I had to walk away from him first before he understood I actually MEANT it when I said “I will accept NOTHING LESS”..but it did bring us together and allowed me to have exactly what I needed in a partner.

    Thanks for sharing…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  297.  #297Darling Ella on November 12, 2010 at 8:26 am

    Rori, I just finally purchased the Commitment Blueprint…I already had purchased the ebook and The Modern Siren DVD set. Well, maybe next month, I will purchase the Toxic Men…which I apparently attract for some reason.

    I am very thankful for finding about you (by accident) because you are on something so “revolutionary”…worth sharing with every woman I know….

    It finally all makes sense to me…I am a healer…greatly in touch with my feelings and very expressive…yet, I have lacked the skills and “permission” of how to deal with it…

    Anyway, I have lots to say…

    This thread is amazing…Hadassah, gosh it feels like we are dating the same guy…same situation…I love Mercedes’s to the point advices and Senior Lady Vibe amazing insights…I am reading, learning…for the past two weeks, I have “ladies” night out on RR blog …I feel good, I feel empowered…I feel like a RR Siren 🙂 Big hug to u all 🙂



  298.  #298Darling Ella on November 12, 2010 at 8:34 am

    @Hadassah #289 – Hadassah, I was in the exact situation about the “key”…I feel your confusion…to keep it short, change the lock 🙂 it is sooo worth the money…and no explanation 🙂

    I dated mine for over a year…he is a narcissist…it is about them at all times…i wonder if u leave in pdx…we might be dating the same one…:)



  299.  #299Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 8:36 am

    @286: Hadassah says:
    @#284-This is what I am planning on doing – I just don’t feel I need to tell him about it.

    Wondering, did he explain why he’s not making holiday plans with you? Maybe not worry so much about him… and think more about yourself and your daughter. In my opinion you don’t need to explain yourself to him, tell him how you feel and what you want in one short sentence. Perhaps the other women can expand or give alternate views…

    I do want my apartment key back and I can’t come up with a graceful way to say “gimme”.</i?

    Do you have a key to his house too? You could return it if you aren't using it much, see what happens. I bet some of the other experienced sirens have good ways to handle this and I'll be eagerly reading their posts too!

    Something just came to mind,,,that Gloria Gaynor sound says something about doors, locks, etc.

    "I Will Survive" – Gloria Gaynor 3:14
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I

    Did you try OkCupid? The guys (at least in my zip code) were far superior in description than the POF guys, in real life, I don't know…

    RR blog link below contains comprehensive guide and tips for using the OKCupid dating site!

    How to Use and Be Successful on OkCupid!
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/how-to-use-and-be-successful-on-okcupid/

    Also:

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/what-does-circular-dating-do-for-you/

    I hope this helps.

    SLV



  300.  #300Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 8:37 am

    Hadassah,

    RE: #283 – BEAUTIFULLY SAID!!! Brava!! Siren perfection! Copy and paste for future use!



  301.  #301Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 8:39 am

    @Hadassah

    I’m in moderation…can’t figure out why…. what was in post to you that caused this…

    I’m hesitant to try it again.

    SLV



  302.  #302Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 8:40 am

    Mercedes,

    RE: #268 – That is beautiful! I feel so happy for you!! That is the stuff dreams are made of!



  303.  #303Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 8:40 am

    SLV – Is there a website? The name Je*sus?



  304.  #304Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 8:43 am

    Mercedes,

    RE: #273 – Post away with beautiful, romantic stuff! I think it gives us all hope AND sets a role model as to the type of relationship we want as our goal. Or maybe I should just say that is true for myself. If anyone feels jealous, that is their issue, NOT yours! It’s wonderful to spread your happiness!! More power to ya!



  305.  #305Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 8:44 am

    @Brenda

    Three links, is there a limit? Maybe? Two of the links were Rori Raye blog post links and the third was YouTube Gloria Gaynore “I will survive
    which I’ve posted before. Hey, it’s an anthem for women all over the world and has over 11 million views. I don’t get it…

    Gee, and not a word, unlike last night, about pussy eating…

    Crazy.

    SLV



  306.  #306Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 8:45 am

    @SVL-I don’t know. I haven’t had anything thrown into moderation since I first joined!



  307.  #307Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 8:48 am

    @Hadassah

    3) RR blog post below contains comprehensive guide and tips for using dating site!

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/how-to-use-and-be-successful-on-okcupid/

    Also:

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/what-does-circular-dating-do-for-you/

    I hope this helps

    SLV



  308.  #308Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 8:50 am

    301: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    Your comment is awaiting moderation.
    @Hadassah

    4)Also:

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/what-does-circular-dating-do-for-you/

    I hope this helps

    SLV



  309.  #309Orna Walters on November 12, 2010 at 8:53 am

    Mercedes,

    All the guys previous to Matthew were HOW I learned to accept NOTHING LESS!

    My thing was always wanting what I can’t have – so I went from being the “other woman,” to being in relationships with unavailable men. As I began to value myself more, my relationships changed and I attracted a new level of man – I had a long way to go so I had to grow past those men, leveling up and up – each time getting closer and had to say “NO” to settling for less.

    The vision for my ideal relationship formed and each time a relationship did not work out, I searched for the “Golden Nugget” of what I really learned so I could grow further.

    My husband is not just EVERYTHING I wanted – he is MORE! More than I ever imagined I could have.

    Is he perfect? Nope. Neither am I. However, he is perfect for me in every way.

    Its because of this journey that I am blessed to do the work I do in the world.

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna



  310.  #310Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 8:53 am

    @Hadassah:

    I’ve tried three times, with shorter versions, it seems even RORI’S post link throws me into moderation!!! Huh???

    Gee… that’s odd.

    SLV but I’m tenacious



  311.  #311Mercedes on November 12, 2010 at 8:56 am

    Thank you Brenda…that’s very sweet of you. We do lots of romantic stuff and between now and February we have lots planned (some of the stuff is spontaneous – like our trip to Corpus Christi…that was supposed to be lunch in a different town. We end up driving for hours and buying toothbrushes at Walgreens and not coming home all weekend…lol).

    We are going on several trips together beginning next weekend (or possibly tomorrow..we might camp out at a Renaissance Festival tomorrow…the jury is still out on that one..) some to see family and some to get away together and a couple for work when we won’t be physically together but will be missing each other and thinking of each other.

    Keeping romance alive is a priority for us and we do tend to (WE?? maybe just me…) lose it a little when we let that slide. We dated long distance for so long that we kind of got used to romantic weekends away (we would pick a city, fly there and spend 4 or 5 glorious days/nights together). When we reached a place where we could see each other every day (and then when we actually even moved in together) we knew that travel and getting away together for romantic weekends had to remain a priority. For the most part, we’ve kept to that…and it makes me happy. And today I’m even extra happy…and pretty sure nobody on this earth could change that. 🙂

    Anyway…thank you for encouraging me to share…means a lot.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  312.  #312Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 8:57 am

    Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    1)
    @ Hadassah says:

    “This is what I am planning on doing – I just don’t feel I need to tell him about it.”

    Wondering, did he explain why he’s not making holiday plans with you? Maybe not worry so much about him… and think more about yourself and your daughter. In my opinion you don’t need to explain yourself to him, tell him how you feel and what you want in one short sentence. Perhaps the other women can expand or give alternate views…

    I do want my apartment key back and I can’t come up with a graceful way to say “gimme”.

    Do you have a key to his house too? You could return it if you aren’t using it much, see what happens. I bet some of the other experienced sirens have good ways to handle this and I’ll be eagerly reading their posts too!

    Something just came to mind,,,that Gloria Gaynor sound says something about doors, locks, etc.

    “I Will Survive” – Gloria Gaynor 3:14
    youtube dot com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I

    SLV



  313.  #313Mercedes on November 12, 2010 at 9:00 am

    Orna: That’s almost the opposite of what happened to me. J was the one struggling with what he really wanted and with reaching into his heart so he could grow into a man who could find and draw in the woman for him. I was right there in his arms, but when I reached in my heart and found my anger and strength, I walked away. That put a jump start on the whole heart thing and that man worked in every way possible to show me he loved and deseved me and that he could be and would be nothing less than what I needed.

    Like your Matthew…he’s not everything I dreamed of…he’s more. 🙂 We are lucky ladies…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  314.  #314Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 9:01 am

    Hadassah,

    RE: #286 – You could always just change the locks, then no need to ask for the key back.

    I think what you said in #283 is a frameable Siren Declaration! You answered your own question in “what should I do?” I think this speech is absolutely perfect and if I were you, I would say it at the very first opportunity.

    I don’t know if your goal is to lose him completely or just relegate him to snack level. But either way, that speech is glistening! If I were a man hearing that, I’d say, “Whew, I better shape up or I’m going to lose this precious creature!”



  315.  #315Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 9:01 am

    @SLV-Maybe it’s this crazy Friday juju going around. Stuff has been pretty kooky at work today, too! Thanks for trying. That is really strange…

    @Orna – I love the way you write. I know EXACTLY what you are referring to in post #301 – I feel like I have outgrown this relationship-like it has gone as far as it can, or as far as he would allow, or as far as I would allow, so I just feel like dating for us is all it can be. Honestly, if he proposed to me today with a 5 carat diamond, I would say no. That is saying a lot!



  316.  #316Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 9:01 am

    SLV,

    Sometimes links put it in moderation and sometimes they don’t. Not sure why.



  317.  #317Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 9:03 am

    @Hadassah

    Trying it without Rori’s links as hyperlinks, hmmm that seems kind of strange doesn’t it? They are great posts and on her blog and helpful and all. I wonder why we can’t mention them?

    ———————–

    Did you try OkCupid? The guys (at least in my zip code) were far superior in description than the POF guys, in real life, I don’t know…

    RR blog link below contains comprehensive guide and tips for using the OKCupid dating site!

    How to Use and Be Successful on OkCupid!
    http:/ /blog.havetherelationshipyouwant dot com/dating/how-to-use-and-be-successful-on-okcupid/

    Also:

    http:/ /blog.havetherelationshipyouwant dot com/dating/what-does-circular-dating-do-for-you/

    I hope this helps.

    SLV



  318.  #318Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 9:06 am

    @310: Brenda says:

    “…SLV, Sometimes links put it in moderation and sometimes they don’t. Not sure why….”

    Yeah, Brenda that was weird…

    How are you doing? You seemed very frisky last night… 😀

    SLV



  319.  #319Orna Walters on November 12, 2010 at 9:06 am

    Mercedes,

    It shows that there are MANY paths to love! I believe that ALL paths lead to the same summit.

    Thank you for sharing your story, I know that it will help many who desire to reach that summit.

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna



  320.  #320Simply Shannon on November 12, 2010 at 9:06 am

    Yeah Dorothea! I knew you would like this post. I feel good and impressed really hearing what you said to LI. I do the relationship vacuum thing too. Get sucked right in! And I’m saying the same thing you are. I have to take my life back. It’s simply unfair to expect a man to be all things to me. I know for myself I really need my girlfriends, my life, my own passions. Otherwise I start to freak out because it’s always “us”, and I lose myself. And that just means I “need” him more. I don’t exist without him.

    I don’t want to do that anymore. Seems like every time I broke up with a boy I felt so alone and lost because HE was the only person I spent time with.

    Hooray for new beginnings! Excited to see your spam. I like mine fried with ketchup. Okay not really with ketchup but fried yes. LOL!



  321.  #321Tina on November 12, 2010 at 9:07 am

    I have to either eat the snack or throw it out, at some point because it will start to smell bad if I just leave it in my purse. I like snacks when its hot and fresh, not sitting in my bag for a day or two yuck.



  322.  #322Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 9:08 am

    Mercedes,

    Re: #303 – You’re welcome! BTW, I know when Hadassah said it made her jealous, she was just saying that with tongue-in-cheek!

    I LOVE the spontaneous romantic events or trips!! My best one ever was sitting in a diner with Ryan with 2 pieces of paper and taking turns writing the lines of each other’s poems. Him one line, me one line, then switch papers. It was so beautiful! It built my love for him far more than a roll in the hay!

    The other spontaneous things we did that I cherish were driving half the night to the beach and watching the sun rise over the ocean! Walking on the beach with a man remains one of the most romantic things to do with a man in my mind!

    I love creating romantic scenarios… candlelight/scent, drinks, fancy dinner, love notes, all that stuff!



  323.  #323Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 9:08 am

    @Brenda

    What I meant was “I thought you were frisky.” Anyhow, it was fun last night with all that “snacking” going on… 😆

    SLV



  324.  #324Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 9:11 am

    #304 – SLV – No explanation whatsoever. Just that he is going home to be with his family for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And he has a wedding that is 5 hours away for New Year’s. I don’t have a key to his place, but I have his code to get into the garage which is attached to his house and he leaves the connecting door unlocked. He lives completely out of the way, so it isn’t like I am going to ever drive 15 minutes out of my way to get into his house, whereas my apartment is on his way to and from work. I don’t think he would just come by whenever, but I still want my damn key back! It’s nice to hear that other people don’t think I need to explain myself, either. So thanks!!

    @306 Brenda – I know I don’t want him to call me his gf because I sure as crap don’t feel like his gf. And I know I want my key back. I don’t care if he doesn’t want to see me anymore, I just want my key! If he wants to literally date me, I would go if I felt good but that’s it. Thanks for liking what I wrote earlier – I just read it and I wonder if it’s almost too much… because that really is what I feel like saying to him should he mention what’s up. And I don’t know how much my apartment would charge me for changing the lock or I would do that. It is probably around $100. I would rather just be like gimme my key and save myself the $!

    Oh he just texted me. “How’s Friday? May I visit tonight?” Wow. I guess I was only wrong in the fact that instead of waiting until 3, he texted me at 11. No mention of taking me out, nothing. He probably just thinks everything is fine and that I will cook him dinner and then we can fool around and he will go home. I bet that is what is going through his mind right now.

    I have plans for dinner with my family. I am wondering if I feel like having him over… I guess I could say he could come by later so I can work on getting my damn key back! But no sex and he isn’t staying over even if he wants to.



  325.  #325Orna Walters on November 12, 2010 at 9:13 am

    Haddssah,

    “Honestly, if he proposed to me today with a 5 carat diamond, I would say no.” – LOL! That is certainly being clear on what you DON’T want. 😉

    I used to be Director of Development at a production company and have studied story structure for years.

    I see each person’s journey in a similar fashion – as we are each the Hero in our own journey. Along the journey there are all kinds of other characters and one that I find shows up regularly on the journey to love is the Threshold Guardian – this is the guy we must get past to have what we REALLY want!

    It shows up for men too. My Beloved dated a woman before me that was clearly his Threshold Guardian. I love that woman, she prepared him for me. 😉

    I support you in being clear on what you Truly desire – from limitless possibility! Often times we decide on what we want, based on what we don’t want. i.e. I want someone sober because the last guy was an alcoholic. Our energy is still tied up in that story.

    Miracles happen when we remove the energetic ties to the past, and get clear on what we want from True desire – our heart’s desire!

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna



  326.  #326Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 9:15 am

    Shannon,

    That was cute about the spam! LOL!

    This post is really giving me clarity, too. I processed the analogy. I used to go for burgers and fries, cuz they’re cheap. But as I became more concerned about my weight and health, I wanted to eat more salads. Appetizing salads, not just lettuce with one piece of tomato and one piece of cucumber. I started finding out about stuff like restaurant dot com and email clubs for restaurants. Now I can afford to go for healthy food more often because of the really good coupons. The coupons aren’t part of the analogy…just an explanation.

    What I really mean to say is now that I am into lavish salads and salad bars and nice steak or chicken dinners with vegetables, burgers and fries seem boring.

    Just like I want to choose a healthy meal, over a cheap, fast meal, I want to choose a healthy man, over a cheap, fast man.

    Inotherwords, I’d rather wait two years for a quality man, to let the relationship roast to perfection, than to jump in bed with a man just because he happens to be sitting across the table from me right now.



  327.  #327Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 9:16 am

    @309 SLV-I haven’t tried Ok Cupid, but maybe I will get that going this weekend! Thanks for the links!!



  328.  #328Honey on November 12, 2010 at 9:16 am

    Question to all –

    If the question of how you date as in one person at a time vs. circular dating comes up with a CD, how do you explain it?

    This discussion came up with my CD last…I stumbled through but would like to be more prepared next time.

    Also, we kissed in the parking lot for like 2 hours after a very nice dinner. Had 2 magical nuclear Os just kissing and fully clothed. WTF! I’m so glad I can do this…it’s the ultimate safe sex.

    I find myself feeling sorry for a guy when he is all worked up and gets to “release”. Hmmm…I have a high degree of empathy. I think I’ve slept with guys when I really wasn’t ready to b/c of this. Not good. This guy is a gentleman…I use feelings messages and he doesn’t push. He is honest with where his is at. He wines and dines, alright, and he has always paid the vallet for me. If a guy does not pay and tip the vallet, he is gone. He gave me all these choices on what to do for my birthday. I don’t want to do something too big cuz it feels weird to me after only 3 dates. I told him to choose. He is renting a limo and taking me wine tasting.

    I do feel attracted to him (hence the 2 Os), but he does have a lot of feminine energy going on. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. He is definitely a nurturer (like I am), but in a gentle way. He has an autistic child, too, so we connect there. Not sure where this will go…just going with the flow and remaining open.

    Debbie asked somewhere how I deal with overfunctioning. I can’t answer that yet cuz I usually only do it when I’m into someone. I like that when I’m CDing that I DON’T get too invested too quickly. And I don’t get upset if some guy doesn’t call. I just let these guys flow in and flow out as they wish and do what feels good to me.

    This guy is a step-up type guy. But he’s newly divorced. I told him that I though he was ripe for a rebound. I don’t think he thinks so. I wish I had said that in a feelings message instead. Still learning…



  329.  #329Tina on November 12, 2010 at 9:17 am

    If my whole meal was botched , I would complain and not eat it and re order but if it where say a drink or maybe the wrong salad dressing maybe not but you know, I just might eat it anyway, if it were presented right 🙂 and this is the problem … life is good!



  330.  #330Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 9:18 am

    @ 318 Brenda – “In other words, I’d rather wait two years for a quality man, to let the relationship roast to perfection, than to jump in bed with a man just because he happens to be sitting across the table from me right now.” LOVE IT. I am so right there with you!! I want Mr. Right, I am so over Mr. Right Now!!



  331.  #331Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 9:20 am

    Hadassah,

    I feel disappointed reading 316. Sounds like you’re ready to “fold” after just giving your power speech to us. How about responding, “I have plans already tonight.” How about no apology? How about letting him plan 2 days in advance and not going unless you are wined and dined?

    Do you have some special kind of lock? If not, most locks are $5-$15 at Home Depot.



  332.  #332Orna Walters on November 12, 2010 at 9:23 am

    Brenda – “In other words, I’d rather wait two years for a quality man, to let the relationship roast to perfection, than to jump in bed with a man just because he happens to be sitting across the table from me right now.”

    What a delicious place to be! Woot!

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna



  333.  #333AmberS on November 12, 2010 at 9:24 am

    Orna,

    Thank you for your posts. I have seen this in myself and followed the same pattern as you, except I haven’t arrived at my soul mate yet. I spent the last four years with the same guy. We’d break up, grow like mad and get back together. This time we were so close to being everything I’ve ever wanted. Everything.

    Except

    We were only functioning at that level when I was my divine best. And I finally realized that I want a man who is committed to being his best self. So I let go.

    Even though everyone who looked at us from the outside thought I was crazy, because he’s wonderful and treated me like a queen. I know that I am 100% committed to myself, and from the inside I could see that unless we loved ourselves first there would always be something broken.

    So all I can do now is keep moving forward. Keep working on me, and healing me, and trusting the Universe.

    I was doing my very best when I arrived here, so I believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. As long as I keep doing my best now, I know that I am on the path to my highest good.

    Breathe.



  334.  #334Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 9:26 am

    Hadassah,

    “I want Mr. Right, I am so over Mr. Right Now!!”

    Beautifully said!!!



  335.  #335Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 9:31 am

    @305: Mercedes says:

    “…We do lots of romantic stuff and between now and February we have lots planned…”

    If I do anything romantic, it will be with my “visualized” sweetie. About a week ago, with the assistance of LG, laughing goddess, I added a visualized “sweetie” in addition to whoever was riding on the back of my horse.

    That was fine for the first day but then I began wondering what he might look like and maybe his overall personality. I became aware that the man that materialized in my imagination was someone I had know years before. I hadn’t thought much about him but I had a “it dawned upon me moment” …several of them.

    It was so eerie, he was so suited to me in everyway, when I think about it now, but when I knew him then we were barely friends. I had an unfortunate attachment to his close relative. Too bad because otherwise I think we could have become good friends.

    I had even had a couple of dates with him but I was ultra emotionally unavailable, couldn’t even have sex with him. And he was sexy and handsome. Very!!! He committed suicide a few weeks after I relocated, never to return.

    When I think of this I have a great feeling of sadness that he has missed so much: children, grandchildren, friends and lovers, a brilliant career, world events–and this seems small but… he never even knew the Internet–all the little everyday events that make up the true happiness in our lives.

    SLV



  336.  #336Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 9:34 am

    @#323 Brenda – It’s a deadbolt, so I think it would have to be re-deadbolted, if that even makes sense. I would like to talk to him, maybe say what I literally said here and get my key back. But I don’t think I feel like it today. Maybe I will just tell him it isn’t going to happen tonight and just have fun with the family and worry about his drama later. He could have called me last night and asked. But instead he waits until today to text. Boo on that I say.



  337.  #337Mercedes on November 12, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Oh SLV…I’m so sorry for your loss.

    I will always believe you’ll have the one for you though…that’s something so embeded in my heart that it’ll never go away. Vizualized sweeties are fine for meditation but my heart tells me you’ll have the one and he’ll be real.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  338.  #338Orna Walters on November 12, 2010 at 9:35 am

    AmberS,

    Thank you for sharing because this is super important – in the land of Don’t Settle – it means just that. I’m happy to hear you are not settling because it would be so EASY to do that.

    “And I finally realized that I want a man who is committed to being his best self. So I let go.” – This is the BEST thing that you could do. Its so clear that you have no desire to try and change him (because we can’t, we can only change ourselves).

    You are in a BEAUTIFUL place! One so full of possibility.

    Knowing that you want a man who is working toward being his best self means that is your task – simply work on being your best self. The right man will arrive. Trust that it is true. I know that it is. I’ve been there, and at one point I had this conversation with G-d:

    “Hi G-d, Orna here. Listen, I’ve done everything I can think of doing as far as working on me. I’m fresh out of ideas and my guy is not here. . . so I think that means there is more for me to do. . . please flash a neon sign, or land it in my lap because I truly don’t know what else to do.”

    I was in the home stretch. Shortly after this conversation Matthew showed up. Well, he was actually around me for some time, but we actually connected.

    Feel free to connect with me about Bringing In Your Beloved if you’d like some more guidance.

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna



  339.  #339Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 9:44 am

    Ugh. I just texted him back that my day is going awesome and that I have other plans tonight because I figured he was busy since we didn’t have any. It was really hard for me not to say, “maybe we could get together tomorrow?” If he wants to see me, he can go right ahead and ask me out for tomorrow today. I’m not doing the work. He hasn’t responded, so I feel fairly certain he’s mad. Oh well. Guess if he wants to talk about it he can call me. Ball is in his court.



  340.  #340Tina on November 12, 2010 at 9:45 am

    Im cooking a steak right now, with a little bit of black pepper.



  341.  #341Rori Raye on November 12, 2010 at 9:48 am

    tracy, Welcome – and read everything you can here on Circular Dating.. Love, Rori



  342.  #342Rori Raye on November 12, 2010 at 9:49 am

    FeelDespair – hey – why are you beating yourself up over a totally GREAT question? Circular Dating will do the trick for you…and perhaps Chat Rooms are not going to get you what you want. Try to stay live and in person with men…everything will go much faster…Love, Rori



  343.  #343Meemee on November 12, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Hi sirens,
    I had a terrible day at office today. I had a very bad allergy and was feeling sad and low. Allergy, periods pain and hectic day, underslept. In the evening I got yelled at by my boss and I sat in my room with tears in my eyes. I assume there is something really wrong with my stars, X barged in just then. I got so totally embarrassed. I did not know what to do. It was the last thing I wanted to happen.
    He asked me what happened. I said “Oh nothing” and tried to get back to work. He came near to me and asked me again “What happened”
    Silence.
    “Are you feeling really bad?”
    I said “Yeah”
    X: I did not see you at lunch. Didnt you have lunch today.
    I want to run away. And I want to cover the embarrassment too.
    I said “Yeah”.
    X: “I have got some food with me. Shall I give you that?”
    I had no idea what to do. I said “No. Thanks . I would like to be left alone for some time.”
    X:Are you saying “no’ for the right reasons?
    Me:Silence
    X:Do not cry
    I looked at him with an angry expression. I was really getting angry
    X: Okay. You are getting angry.
    I will call you tonight
    Me: Silence
    X:I will definitely call you tonight. I want to talk to you.

    I stared at my computer and he left.

    I totally messed it up. It was so unexpected. I was so vulnerable and unprepared.

    PS: He did not call, obviously. He got what he wanted. Attention, his sense of superiority and I was speechless.
    Why do I mess up things continuously?
    I managed the situation very bad.
    I emotionally exposed myself.
    He did his preaching and left.
    I feel ashamed.
    To top it all, when I got out of my room I bumped into this other guy (the one who brings me chocolates). He saw me upset and asked me what happened. I said I have a bad headache and saved myself from the double embarrassment. He is sending me texts for the nth time “Are you okay?” “why were you crying?”. OMG
    MORAL OF THE STORY;one should not cry at one’s office

    But yes, i went for dinner with my friends. Had a very very good dinner. So I could forget that to some degree.
    I enjoyed myself, thoroughly

    Love
    Meemee



  344.  #344Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 9:53 am

    @Hadassah
    “Oh he just texted me. “How’s Friday? May I visit tonight?”

    I feel triggered just reading this. This IS FRIDAY, not Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday. It’s noon on Friday. When you are a parent all the MORE reason to plan ahead, you have to arrange child care1

    Does he expect you might be waiting around to see him on the beginning of your weekend and if he hadn’t called you would have NO PLANS! Visit you? No offer to take you out to even a movie and pizza, no offer to bring dinner???

    And he KNOWS you want to GO OUT. He just slides over when nothing else to do… with empty handsl

    I’m pissed, my dear. I feel outraged on your behalf. Do you not feel outraged too?

    I was a single mother too; I divorced when my son was very young. Sometimes men will attempt to take advantage.

    grrrrrr, aarrrgghhhh!

    SLV



  345.  #345Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 9:59 am

    @341: Rori Raye says:
    “tracy, Welcome – and read everything you can here on Circular Dating.. Love, Rori”

    I posted your circular dating and OKCupid blog posts links for Hadassah and…I got thrown into moderation… 😥

    SLV



  346.  #346Tina on November 12, 2010 at 10:20 am

    Moose steak 🙂



  347.  #347Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 10:24 am

    @328: Honey says:

    “Question to all –
    If the question of how you date as in one person at a time vs. circular dating comes up with a CD, how do you explain it?”

    I suppose each woman is different. There are many variables. I’m still learning and I might change my mind but…I can see myself telling a man that I do not have multiple sex partners now, I’m not interested in having multiple sex partners nor having a sexual relationship with a man who has multiple sex partners. I would go on to say I have many interests and I socialize with other men and women. Period.

    I don’t believe it’s a man’s business who else I go to dinner with or see socially. I’m open to saying what I would be looking for in a life partner but no way am I going to lay out my dating schedule or strategy. I don’t plan to use the words “CD” or any term like that or start explaining myself.

    SLV



  348.  #348Honey on November 12, 2010 at 10:28 am

    Meemee –

    You may have messed up on something, but I don’t see that you really messed up with X so much.

    All you did was say “yeah” twice, “No. Thanks . I would like to be left alone for some time.”
    And give him an angry look.

    Ok, so he got a little attention, BUT you did not accept his nurturance.

    He did not call. Hmmm…maybe for the reason you said or maybe b/c he knew you wouldn’t answer the phone.

    I think you did great under the circumstances. It’s ok to show emotion…just don’t let X engage you.

    I liked, “No. Thanks . I would like to be left alone for some time.”
    This is an assertive statement…it wasn’t attacking, just assertive. And he left, right?

    Who is Chocolate Guy? A potential CD? I like that he brings you chocolate.

    Do you work tomorrow? Can you get some rest? You’ve had a tough week.



  349.  #349Honey on November 12, 2010 at 10:33 am

    SLV to Hadassah –

    “I’m pissed, my dear. I feel outraged on your behalf. ”

    Me, too. No more enabling this sh*t. If he calls at last minute with nothing good to offer, he can go F himself…literally. hee hee



  350.  #350Honey on November 12, 2010 at 10:33 am

    SLV to Hadassah –

    “I’m pissed, my dear. I feel outraged on your behalf. ”

    Me, too. No more enabling this sh*t. If he calls at last minute with nothing good to offer, he can go F himself…literally. hee hee



  351.  #351Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 10:33 am

    I feel so torn. I really really want to do this (TN man visit) but I feel unable to. I feel sad and disappointed. I don’t want to not do it.

    Another worry that surfaced: I feel afraid of him being disappointed in my body and/or sexual performance. I don’t care about it for HIS sake at all — only for how *I* will feel if that happens.



  352.  #352Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 10:33 am

    @337: Mercedes says:

    Thanks, Mercedes. I had very little loss because at the time there was no relationship but the thought of him made me think, what if kinds of things. But the what if could also have been very bad…that’s the way life is, we never know, all we can do is make the best of what there is.

    I think I’ll have a real “sweetie” too… He’s probably out there, not knowing I exist, not ready for me either… We’ll find each other. 😀

    SLV



  353.  #353Honey on November 12, 2010 at 10:36 am

    I get sick of these men who have this sense of entitlement.

    My CDs treat me great.

    I just told my 19 year old son.

    “My CD has rented a limo and is taking me wine tasting for my birthday next week. I am a Princess. I deserve it.”

    My son replied, “You DO.” He is learning from me how to treat a woman. I am so glad I found this site, not only for myself, but for him, too. I want him to be a step up kind of guy…when he finds the right girl and is ready.

    Oh, yeah, I raised my sons right



  354.  #354Luzy on November 12, 2010 at 10:36 am

    328: Honey

    I usually tell men that I am open to meet many people until I meet someone who I feel I can commit to and he feels the same. These men usually are going on dates with other women also; it is not their business if I go on a different date every weekend.

    Men are territorial and even when they have no interest in pursuing you, they want to feel that the are the only one around. It is their nature to “mark” their territories, that is why they will never introduce you to one of his friends if they don’t feel it for you. Subconsciously you are sort of a spare tire in case of emergency or when they feel horny you can be their ‘booty call’.

    CD is a way to show them that they are not the last drop of water in the dessert and that if they don’t step up someone else can.



  355.  #355Amy F. on November 12, 2010 at 10:36 am

    THANK YOU everyone.
    The man who broke my heart FINALLY emailed me today after two months of no contact.

    The reason he dropped off the planet is because of ex-wife drama. He wants to tend to his life and contact me again when it is over. It’s nice to know the particulars, but strangely enough after going through the searing pain, upon reading this email I felt a surge of fear and excitement, but in the end I feel at peace.

    I feel soooo proud of myself. Here’s why:
    1. I NEVER contacted him to ask WTF?? I wanted to sceam at him -“we are in love you a**!!”, but I did not. I went to yoga, beat up my floor and howled at the moon. I also leaned back to the wall. Some days it was really hard, but you all helped me. I feel so happy.

    2. I cleaned up some of the other areas in my life, so I feel so much better from the inside out. I feel this has really been the key to being free. I feel clean and excited about what I want to do with my life. I’m taking baby steps to get there and making progress. I feel back in the center of the ring, instead of being pinned and backed into the corner of the ring.

    3. I bought myself 2 pairs of really hot boots. One pair of motorcycle boots and a pair of boots that go past the knee. I have discovered that boots will take you a long way to happiness.

    4. I have CD’d – flirted with the delivery man, had a few dates etc. I’ve met nobody who has lit my fire yet, but I am confident he will come. In the meantime, I’m dating men and most importantly, myself.

    5. I am truly OK with whatever the outcome is. Maybe he will come back, maybe he won’t. It’s OK though. I cannot even believe I think this way. I can think of him and laugh now because he is so much fun. I used to think of him and cry my eyes out.

    6. I wrote a response full of feeling messages and humor that was very brief. No long explainations, not trying to communicate “I don’t care”, because I really do care, nor false happiness. I wrote I felt confused and lots of pain. Now I feel happy when I think of you and hope the situation is resolved in the best way for everyone. Wow.

    Thank you so much for the support and love. Your responses to my posts and reading about your lives helped me to get back to the middle. This is where I want to stay.



  356.  #356Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 10:36 am

    Add to that: afraid he will be disappointed in my appearance in general and my personality in person. Basically, me.



  357.  #357Simply Shannon on November 12, 2010 at 10:37 am

    Lucy, I was just going to ask you what you were feeling about this weekend. It appears lots of feelings are surfacing. I’m sending hugs to those NVs!!! Personally I would not go into it with a set plan. I’d wing it and see how I feel each moment. If I feel turned on, then I’d roll with it. And if I don’t, well… I don’t.

    (((HUGS))) my friend! Strong and open to receive but saying no when I don’t want.



  358.  #358Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 10:39 am

    This rang a bell and I think it’s worth repeating:

    “Try to stay live and in person with men…everything will go much faster…”
    Love, Rori

    Hmmm, I’m thinking about that.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  359.  #359Honey on November 12, 2010 at 10:43 am

    LUCY –

    I am shaking you by the shoulders and want you to hear this…

    MOST men aren’t that picky about how you look…they only care that you are smiling afterwards!

    And not to be gross or anything, but I get a feeling that you are pretty hot in bed. And if you are, you know it. I know I’m good in bed…I was good with my H even though he was the only man I’d been with until I was 43. And I think it comes from who I am, not experience with different guys.

    OK, Girl, you have shared that anxiety is part of you MO, right? Take some slow deep breaths when that comes up. These are automatic negative thoughts (ANTS). I like that you are posting them cause you can learn to talk back to them on here.

    Where to you stand with TN? Can you get some one on one without an audience if that’s what you want?



  360.  #360Simply Shannon on November 12, 2010 at 10:43 am

    Thank you NVs for trying to protect Lucy. She doesn’t need that kind of protection anymore. She’s beautiful and strong and completely capable of doing anything she wants. Aunt Shannon is sending you lots of hugs and kisses and cookies. Now go sit in the corner. We don’t want Lucy to miss any more experiences because of fear. Yes fear I’m talking to you. We do love you. I know we try to shut you out but we really do appreciate your protection. We need you. Really we do. But maybe this weekend you could try sitting out for a little bit. Of course pop right up if we really need protection. But if you’re just trying to tell me/Lucy bad things, then I’d feel better if you kept your mouth shut. Deal?



  361.  #361Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 10:44 am

    @343: Meemee says:

    “I totally messed it up. It was so unexpected. I was so vulnerable and unprepared.”

    No, you didn’t, Meemee. Just keep going. And even if you did “mess up” (you didn’t) you just pick up where you left off.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  362.  #362Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Meemee,

    RE: #343 – Please be very gentle with your weak parts inside…give them tight, tight hugs. You are vulnerable. You are in pain. You are in need of genuine love after 3 years of selfish lust from a man. Tight, tight hugs to you!

    I have been caught in crying vulnerability by people to whom I didn’t want to share my heart like that. It makes you feel all the more vulnerable, I know.

    Sometimes it’s safer for our tender hearts to just turn our backs on the man and/or just go to the bathroom, where he cannot follow.

    I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

    Love,
    Brenda



  363.  #363Honey on November 12, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Luzy and SLV –

    Thanks for your input on CD speech.



  364.  #364Daria on November 12, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Slv – anything more than one link per post usually goes in moderation.



  365.  #365Honey on November 12, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Lucy –

    Maybe YOU wont like HIM in person. You are the Queen!



  366.  #366Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Lucy,

    Re: #351 – I think you have already decided to do it. If you don’t do it, you will wonder what could have happened or what could have been the rest of your life. You only live once. Get it on, girl! Drink at least 4 glasses of wine before he cums, I mean comes, and just let your hair down. Throw caution to the wind. You are entirely in your head about this! Let it go! You know you want to do it…curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction brought her back. Let your kitty run wild for one evening! LOL! 😆



  367.  #367Meemee on November 12, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Honey
    He sent messages online
    Generally asking about health.
    X:Should you not be consulting good doctors for your allergy.
    Me: Silence
    X: Babe, Why are you still angry and unhappy with me. Are you?
    Me:Yes I am
    X:I understand babe
    Me:Silence
    X: The past two months havve been really bad. Lots of work and no mindspace. I know I was bad to you. I know I made you pay for it. I know it is unfair.
    Me: I think I told this before, but I do not want to be treated second class. I can not sit around and wait.
    X:I know babe. You are a nice girl. I feel you are a really nice girl more often.
    Me: I might have feelings for you, but I will not let myself treated in anyway other than what is right. period.
    X:I know babe. Hug you. Tight hugs

    I did not reply.
    I do not want to reply either

    Meemee



  368.  #368Tina on November 12, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Daria, I “get” the imagination thing now lol duh, I think ugh!



  369.  #369Daria on November 12, 2010 at 10:54 am

    How I explain cd…

    Well, actually I don’t want to be a girlfriend. Looking to be married and have a family. So I feel better to date and meet people until something serious like a proposal comes up.

    Usually guys are like wow. You’re smart.

    I used to get tense about saying thus stuff and got in a few arguments. Now that I’m clear and relaxed like spring water… I get Wow! That’s awesome.

    Possible q: but don’t you have to be somebodys gf first before you get married? Or u just want to go wham bam.

    Me: giggle.., lol no, of course I Wang to get to know someone really well first, but I don’t want to be in a relationship unless it’s something serious like engagement .

    Him: so how would you get to know him?

    Me: well, I feel pretty good getting to know a man through dating and seeing how I feel around him.

    “”””.

    The earlier the convo cones up, the easier I feel and the
    MORE STATUS the guys give me.

    They look at me as a mature woman who really knows what she wants.



  370.  #370Daria on November 12, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Tina – what imagination thing



  371.  #371Daria on November 12, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Meemee – sounds like he’s starting to treat you better! Great!

    Keep being honest, using feeling messages, and of course, don’t sleep w him until you are truly dating and you feel like you’ve 100% forgiven him.



  372.  #372Meemee on November 12, 2010 at 10:57 am

    You guys are right.
    He is capable of engaging me in a conversation without addressing any of my issues and concerns.
    I can see that.
    That is what he has been doing
    I am getting bored of such conversations that do not go anywhere
    I am getting bored of everything that does not take me anywhere, including him
    Meemee



  373.  #373Tina on November 12, 2010 at 10:58 am

    My karaoke buddy “big C” I put him in my bag 🙂 .



  374.  #374Honey on November 12, 2010 at 10:59 am

    Meemee –

    How I hear that conversation with X is…

    You are leaving things open if he can treat you well.

    So I am asking you, are you open to continuing your relationship if he steps up?



  375.  #375Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 10:59 am

    @356: Lucy says:

    “Add to that: afraid he will be disappointed in my appearance in general and my personality in person. Basically, me.”

    Lucy, you’re just fine. Would it be helpful if you had a couple of CD before he arrives? Also, only IMHO, if you two could arrange to meet for first time just the two of you, I mean without bringing anyone else, I think it would be easier…only IMHO.

    Everything doesn’t have happen on only one certain date, time or place. You don’t have to force youself to do anything. People hop on planes and trains all the time…

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  376.  #376Daria on November 12, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Amy f – yahooooo ! Beautiful!



  377.  #377Honey on November 12, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Meemee –

    I’m thinking from X’s perspective

    You are angry with me.
    You have been angry before, but you have always gotten over it.
    You will get over it again just like before.
    I will treat you better until I win you over.
    I know how to keep getting what I want from this girl – I am winning her over bit by bit.



  378.  #378Nikita on November 12, 2010 at 11:03 am

    #369! Daria,

    when I read this I think how well and grounded you have translated the feeling of CD into sound 🙂 I feel like screaming go Moon in cap 😉 that is FOCUS- shorty is Focused!!! LOL!



  379.  #379Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Thanks, Shannon.

    “Personally I would not go into it with a set plan. I’d wing it and see how I feel each moment.”

    That’s basically what he is saying at this point, too. He thinks it’s a fun adventure of “knowing anything could happen, but nothing might.”

    “(((HUGS))) my friend! Strong and open to receive but saying no when I don’t want.”

    Thanks, I need the hugs!!! He doesn’t realize that whatever happens here, he and J have each other for emotional support – but I am basically alone in the situation. Even though I know and believe he cares about me and loves me, it’s not the same as having a long-standing in person relationship to fall back on.

    “open to receive” …. It feels interesting to read that in this context.

    Btw, it’s next weekend, not this one.

    Thanks so much for your love!



  380.  #380Honey on November 12, 2010 at 11:06 am

    Meemee –

    You need to make up your mind if you want him gone. If you do, you must stick to the plan, because by engaging in this way, you have extended the time that it will take to get rid of him. I am not criticizing you as a person…I know this is hard…I am just giving you factual information.

    When we teach a new behavior, we reinforce it every time. The way to maintain a behavior is to reinforce it INTERMITTENTLY. He just received intermittent reinforcement. You gave the kid in the grocery store the candy…he will scream for it again…if he doesn’t get it the next time, he will still scream for it the next time because now he has learned to scream every time cuz sometimes he gets it and sometimes he doesn’t. Make sense?



  381.  #381Simply Shannon on November 12, 2010 at 11:10 am

    Oh my goodness! Elated. I’m feeling elated. I just had a conversation with my girlfriends yesterday about being sick of working so dang hard and how I wanted a sugar daddy. (kidding. Well sort of.) Lo and behold, Match sends me a profile today from a guy that says “I would like someone that puts God 1st. She can have an occupation or if she likes she can stay home and let me provide. someone who puts their family first.”

    I winked at him and he just emailed me back. And he’s tall and handsome and has all of his hair! Woot woot! I am manifesting my ideal man. Holy shit! 😀



  382.  #382Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 11:10 am

    “Lucy, you’re just fine.”

    Thanks, SLV. I believe that, too. But it would still feel bad if he doesn’t share that belief, kwim?

    “Also, only IMHO, if you two could arrange to meet for first time just the two of you, I mean without bringing anyone else, I think it would be easier…only IMHO.”

    Yes!! I completely agree. I told him that, too, but also said I wouldn’t want him to come alone if he would be missing her and wishing she was here, bc that would feel yucky.



  383.  #383Daria on November 12, 2010 at 11:10 am

    Haddassah – ok… Your operating a little from a defensive stance with the new guys.

    Give them a chance:

    Notice how he said he wants to hang out.., and you Assumed he wants s piece of ass.

    Notice that this Is coming from You… Your judgements.

    Take a step back : is it ” hang out” that triggered you? Sonetimes that triggers me too.,, but it can mean a million thing… Most important Here Is A Man Who Wants To Meet You!

    Give men a chance. They dint know what you like at first. Tell them the truth, kindly. “ohh I feel a little turned off hearing about hanging out. I don’t really know what to answer… The truth is, I feel better with more formal dates. What do you think?”

    Let him get a chance to prove himself! He may step up.

    And in his next line, yea it felt a bit annoying, but it sounds like he’s just tryna tease you and make sure Ge connects with you.

    Work on noticing your anger and judgements when they come up… And love yourself. Do some Rori tools. Then speak to a man from an open place. That will help you get what you want with all men faster.



  384.  #384Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 11:11 am

    281 Shannon, how exciting!!!!!!



  385.  #385Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 11:11 am

    Oops, meant 381.



  386.  #386Nikita on November 12, 2010 at 11:14 am

    NOOOOOOOOOO !!!!

    MeeMee!

    I believe he his getting off EASY…. You have still “been a good sport” about ‘things’, (you keeping HIS secret) because you are still concuring with him by keeping yourself and that relationship(SEXUAL a secret. THE WAY for him to step up is to CLAIM you as his desire to EVERYONE. NO MORE SECRET. Let him be invested enough in “this friendship” to ANNOUNCE and TESTIFY his “love” for you in the face of ALL. Including his parents!!!!!!!!!!!

    Until then it is “low quality” because it is under the radar AGAINST your wishes…. Your wish is to feel the sunshine of love- to be standing in the rays of a man’s love in front of the WORLD because you are a Goddessy being that a man desires to live in fullness with….to share this life….the WHOLE of life…NOT life’s pieces…not the little crumbly Fractured pieces of life….Oh NO THOSE WOULD BE CRUMBS!!!!

    and I still feel very proud of you 🙂 you are doing wonderfully!!!! you feel so real and authentic and soft to me….. very vulnerable and honest with your feelings:) YAYYY!!!!

    hugs,
    nikita



  387.  #387Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Lucy,

    It feels like you are wanting someone to step up and make the decision for you, to tell you to go. I feel frustrated with your decision-making process. What do you think?



  388.  #388Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Brenda!! 😀

    “I think you have already decided to do it.”

    I keep going back and forth, really. A definite Yes one minute, a definite No the next!

    You’re right, I am in my head about it. They shoulda just planned to show up without telling me they were coming, and call me when they got here.

    Did you say four glasses of wine?? That would be hilarious. They’d definitely have fun with me then!



  389.  #389Daria on November 12, 2010 at 11:17 am

    Meemee – I feel pressured reading hobey’s posts. My guess is she’s trying to help you and has shared very valuable expert info with us .

    I want you to feel free to do the Rori third way, which is to date this man along with others.

    If I thought you were unable to hold boundaries, I would advise No contact. But you are doing Very well and this man is pursuing you and seeing you often. No contact would be very difficult to enforce. And you’d have to get to that place.

    Since he is always able to see you, I’d say date him, by going out to dinner if he asks. But you must be daring multiple men by then as well.



  390.  #390Nikita on November 12, 2010 at 11:18 am

    SS 🙂

    ((((CUE THE MUSIC)))))

    Int. shot : Ballroom.

    Simply Shannon is smiling coyly across the room as SD drinks in her radiance and beholds her pulsing feminine energy…. He catches his heart in his throat, places it on his sleeve and begins to cross the room to ask this lady for the next dance.

    YAY!!!!!



  391.  #391Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 11:18 am

    @Hadassah

    “Does he expect you might be waiting around to see him on the beginning of your weekend and if he hadn’t called you would have NO PLANS! Visit you? No offer to take you out to even a movie and pizza, no offer to bring dinner???”
    -Yep, he does pretty much think I am sitting around doing nothing. Because that is what I did before my family got here cuz I had no one I wanted to trust my precious baby girl to. He hasn’t seemed to catch on to the fact that times have changed. I have a life now because I can. No offer to take me out. Nothing.

    “And he KNOWS you want to GO OUT. He just slides over when nothing else to do… with empty handsl”
    -Yep, that is how I see it. I was still open and inviting in my response, and it was hard not to suggest we do something tomorrow, but then I would get sucked into cooking and I am not going there. If he wants to see me, he needs to MAKE A PLAN with me. He can plan for everything else in his life – he clearly doesn’t want me to be intricately involved in his life, he just wants to pencil me in when it is convenient for him, and he wants dinner and sex and then to go home.

    “I’m pissed, my dear. I feel outraged on your behalf. Do you not feel outraged too?”
    -Yes. I do. I feel angry at myself for being so blind to it for so long, and I feel angry at him for jerking me around because I was here and apparently he views me as being easy because it took no effort. I think that I gave him a second chance after I broke it off because he was talking a good game about how he couldn’t wait to take me out when my family was here and we could really date. He has proved that he has no real intentions of doing that. That’s my fault, too. But I couldn’t really go out before!

    “I was a single mother too; I divorced when my son was very young. Sometimes men will attempt to take advantage.”
    -That sums it up in a nutshell. What man in their right mind would walk away from dinners and sex? The more I think on this, the more angry I am getting.



  392.  #392Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Brenda, sorry you feel frustrated with my decision-making process. That feels weird to hear.

    No, I am absolutely not wanting someone else to make the decision for me.

    I want ME to make the decision for me. I am expressing my feelings on here, that’s all, and I do appreciate the insights and support that are offered.



  393.  #393Nikita on November 12, 2010 at 11:20 am

    She waits. She Smiles. She begins swaying to the music and holds his gaze as he moves closer….to her…striding gallantly…

    😉



  394.  #394Honey on November 12, 2010 at 11:20 am

    Meemee –

    Daria said…

    “Meemee – sounds like he’s starting to treat you better! Great!

    Keep being honest, using feeling messages, and of course, don’t sleep w him until you are truly dating and you feel like you’ve 100% forgiven him.”

    I respectfully disagree…this is an abusive relationship. He has manipulated you in this way in the past. This is not about anger or forgiveness. This is about a man who by your own account and the account of your trusted friends who is manipulative. He has already threatened you. He is keeping you a secret and has threatened you if you expose your relationship. He is holding his position at work over you to control you. He has told you flat out that you do not have a future for a “normal” relationship with him. Has he not won you back by acting all concerned before? He knows how to play people by your own account. He knows how to get what he wants and will continue to keep you a secret. I you are willing to accept this arrangement, forgive him and go back to him. I am sorry if what I am saying hurts you…I am only writing what you have told me, but I know it still hurts.

    Meemee, I am ok if you don’t want to let him go. This is not about me, it is about you. But what I won’t do is remain silent when I seen someone in a clearly abusive relationship. I don’t enable. I can let it go and say nothing more if you wish, but I cannot agree with Daria. Some men are toxic and this one is downright dangerous to your future and you job and school. Perhaps even physically if he feels threatened enough.

    I have to go to work…I will only speak the truth as I see it. I do not wish to cause you more pain and want to respect your boundaries, so let me know if you want me to discontinue commenting and advising on your situation.



  395.  #395Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 11:20 am

    Meemee,

    I am on Team Honey and Nikita. I think this man has a lot of nerve coming into your office trying to unnerve you. He’s playing your weakness, trying to gain leverage over you again.

    He needs a good dose of bitch, in my angry opinion!!

    How about every time he comes around, pretend you are a movie star. Be the BITCH. I don’t hear him apologizing. He is saying he did wrong…that’s a start. But if I were you, I’d push him far away. He would have to surf over fire to get close to me again. I’d say something like this:

    “You know what??? I don’t want you in my life. What are you doing in here again?? I feel like squashing you like a gnat! Get the hell out of my office and don’t come back!”

    If you swing the door open and say that while pointing out the door, he will see a new side of Meemee he didn’t think exists.

    I feel concerned that you are so vulnerable. I have been there. You need to be protected. He is trying to take advantage of your vulnerability.

    He is an ass for trying to manipulate you by coming in your office every day like that. I feel angrier at him by the day.

    What do you think/feel?



  396.  #396Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Honey, yes, that’s possible. But I kinda doubt it.



  397.  #397Simply Shannon on November 12, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Daria, I really needed to read that CD post you just wrote. I’ve already had a brush of that convo with my CD but it feels good to see it again. It definitely feels better to have this convo up front, like setting up expectations/parameters right away. No confusion later. Thank you!



  398.  #398Daria on November 12, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Haddassah – what to say to the man you were dating for a year ( who is no longer called a boyfriend because you only accept titles like wife)

    Can I cone over for dinner?

    Hey… Actually I’m feeling very angry being asked that. I’m no longer looking to just have casual time with a man. I feel open to romantic dates and plans … And I don’t want to be asked by a man to come over.

    Keep it short . Do not! Give him long angry speech. Saying I feel angry is enough.



  399.  #399Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 11:25 am

    “We don’t want Lucy to miss any more experiences because of fear.”

    Yes. Thank you, Shannon.



  400.  #400Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 11:28 am

    Lucy,

    RE: #392 – I hope I didn’t offend you, because that was not my intention. I do support you, whatever you decide. I was expressing my honest feelings.

    My NVs are saying, “Make a decision already!” I want to be patient with your process, but I am feeling impatient.

    I also feel angry at TN Man for putting you in such a complex, difficult situation. You know what? I just had an insight as to what’s happening in me.

    About 14 years ago, I was deeply in love with a different man in prison, Arnold. On the one hand, he was pushing me away and keeping a very distant friendship, much as Ryan is now. On the other hand, he was asking me to bring in a pound of pot a little at at time, into the prison. Yes, this is very much comparable to your situation, except more extreme, because what he was asking me to do was illegal and putting me at tremendous risk.

    He forced me to choose between him or my morals. And it wasn’t right. I could see him every week for months to come, but only if I did this “favor” for him. Otherwise, I was history. I loved him deeply, and it broke my heart to say no to him. But I said no.

    And then about a month later, I let that clinch my decision to move to Arizona, so I wouldn’t be tempted to go for his crumbs. 🙁

    I guess your dilemma is troubling me at a deeper level than I realized. What do you think/feel?



  401.  #401Daria on November 12, 2010 at 11:28 am

    Meemee – I agree that in the past this relationship was toxic for you. And… In the past you did not have self awareness or boundaries as you do now.

    Men transform. They don’t remain toxic forever.

    As long as you hold your boundaries, he will transform or leave on his own if he cannot.

    Him visiting you is not manipulative – he is pursuing you. It’s up to you to be clear now on how you want to be treated and pursued.

    I am stii feeling very angry at you… And yet I still have feelings for you. I’d be open to dating, formally… Maybe. I still feel very very angry and am unsure. I am no longer interested in sex until I feel 100% secure with a man.



  402.  #402Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Honey,

    Hehe. “I get a feeling that you are pretty hot in bed.” I wonder where you got that feeling??? Yes, I think it is true. But will I be hot in bed with HIM — especially if I have an audience!!?!! And, she is 31. I am 48. get the picture? (he’s 45)

    I would be fine if he were coming alone. 🙁 Nervous, but good to go.

    Thanks for supporting my processing on here.



  403.  #403Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 11:31 am

    @#383 Daria – Sorry, I wasn’t very clear. His profile said he was on POF to “hang out”, whereas mine says that I am looking for a “long term relationship”. He didn’t actually ask me to hang out. I figured I would give him a chance to explain later if anything came of it about what his intentions were.

    What really was a turn off was the email later about how I “couldn’t even say thanks”. Jeez. I was just floored by how rude that came across. It seemed very controlling and demanding from someone who doesn’t even know me and said a total of 3 sentences to me. It was the equivalent to me of him sending something then me not responding because I wasn’t interested and him sending me something going, “you could at least say you aren’t interested.”

    You are totally right that I have to make an effort to stay neutral based on this mess I am currently in. I don’t think all men are jerks. I totally don’t hate men. I don’t even blame the bf for all that has gone on between us. He took advantage of a situation and I was willing to do that for a while but I am not anymore. I even responded to a few emails this morning. But that guy totally rubbed me the wrong way!



  404.  #404Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Brenda,

    “I also feel angry at TN Man for putting you in such a complex, difficult situation.”

    I do feel a bit of anger around that, too.



  405.  #405AmberS on November 12, 2010 at 11:34 am

    Hadassah,

    I hear you so angry in your posts now, and that is healthy in the way that you are now CERTAIN of what you want and don’t want. Now you know your boundaries and you are willing to stand your ground on them.

    But I also hear the anger like blame and I feel myself wince, like ouch. When you had no one to watch the baby, when you were sad and overweight, then he was a gift to the person you were. And a blessing – at that time, and in those circumstances.

    Things have changed. So I like that you are making your boundary. I would feel happy knowing that on the other side of the anger is appreciation for what was and for the fact that you have learned what it is you are worthy of and what you want.

    He is just doing what worked before, and that was thoughtless and selfish, yes. But it was okay then. Things have changed and he needs to understand that. I feel bad when I think that maybe that was his best, and you outgrew him and you’re angry that he hasn’t changed with your circumstances… Given the opportunity to change, he might do so, but he wont want to even try to get closer if what he feels from you is anger.

    You do NOT have to accept behavior that isn’t what you want.

    But if you want different behavior from him, you’ll need to outline what you want and INVITE him to step up and make you happy. Anger will only push him away…



  406.  #406Simply Shannon on November 12, 2010 at 11:36 am

    Nikita, Purrrr. Love it. How’d you figure out my number? Cuz you’re talking my language. Shan-ese. Hehe.

    Lucy, For me personally I’d want him to come meet me first for a date. Alone. And I wouldn’t immediately want to jump into sex, let alone a threesome. Cart before the horse? 😉 It ramps up the pressure too much. And making it a threesome… that’s like putting the pressure on a rocket! So I’d treat this is like a guy testing the water about us having sex before we actually meet. He mentioned it in passing but it’s not a definite thing. Having never met him in person (seen his mannerisms and his physical presence) I have no way of knowing how I might feel. It’s just a date. Just a latte, not a proposal. (Stealing Mercedes’ blog post title.) Thank you for sharing your feelings about it here! Holding space for you!! 😉



  407.  #407Daria on November 12, 2010 at 11:37 am

    Meemee – next time he asks you why you are mad ( he is trying to connect).

    Tell him what you Don’t Want!

    This is key! This is your chance to let him know what made you feel angry about the last relationship.

    I feel angry thinking about being hidden, nit formally dating, being made fun of. I feel like I woke up from a bad dream and feel humiliated and furious. I don’t Evef want up accept that in my life again.

    I’m only open to men who Wang to pursue me and date me romantically, full out. Who want to show me off. Ugh I feel so angry just thinking about the past. I feel line puking.



  408.  #408Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 11:37 am

    @391 Hadassah

    “..That’s my fault, too. But I couldn’t really go out before! …. What man in their right mind would walk away from dinners and sex? The more I think on this, the more angry I am getting…”

    Hadassah, don’t get stuck on “angry” by itself; you enjoyed the dinners and sex too! But now you are ready for something more…and see if he steps up. But don’t worry if he doesn’t because you are using Rori tools and CD.

    I don’t know what Rori says about “anger” but you can use that “angry/energy” to make an energetic plan. You will feel invigorated and happy.

    I’m learning this too: concentrate on the “relationship” I want and not on any one particular man. This is a glorious concept; I’m working with it in my mind now.

    SLV



  409.  #409Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 11:40 am

    I haven’t been following Meemee’s situation closely (and am so glad many are helping her!), but the bits that I am reading are making me think of that movie, “Reviving Ophelia.” It was very sad. The girl kept thinking the guy would change, kept giving him another chance, but the abuse kept getting worse and worse. He was an abuser. Period. Not that he couldn’t change, but there was deep, extreme psychological sh*t there that he would’ve needed to heal. The ending of the movie was beautiful and powerful, made me sob, where she finally found the courage to say No More.



  410.  #410Honey on November 12, 2010 at 11:41 am

    Lucy –

    Just a suggestion…IF you don’t like the arrangement, what about just saying that you would only feel good about it one on one and ask what he thinks. You can always change your mind…it’s a woman’s perogative. (sp?) Anxiety is one thing, anger is another. Anxiety is your usual MO. Anger is NOT. Any feelings about what’s behind that anger? The anger concerns me.

    I like that you are taking your time getting in touch with what you want in this situation. If nothing else comes out of it, you are learning a lot about yourself. There is not rush to decide because there are no negative consequences for staying with the process…only positive ones.

    I believe that when the time comes, you will know what you want and will do exactly that.

    And besides that, REPEAT AFTER ME…

    “THE OLDER I GET, THE HOTTER I AM!”

    Thank you.

    Now I HAVE to go…because of this blog I am behind on the rest of my entire life…yikes!



  411.  #411Daria on November 12, 2010 at 11:41 am

    Haddassah – couldn’t even say thanks ! Lol! Yes I’d be pist.

    No answer or… Wow this feels weird to read… I actually feel angry.

    From me. So yeah, ok gotcha he didn’t ask to see you. Blah. Thanks fir bearing with me I got a diff impression when I first read.



  412.  #412Meemee on November 12, 2010 at 11:43 am

    Honey Nikita Brenda and Daria,
    My laptop crashed. I am using my apartmentmate’s laptop to write this. I have to go now.
    My roommate said I can use it after 4 hours once she is dne with work.
    I will respond to you then.
    Thanks for the comments.
    Honey and Nikita and Brenda, I am with you.
    Daria, he is poisoning me each time he comes and talks. If I CD or not, as long as he is there in my life and I have feeings I fear damage. If I engage him I will end up doing a self defeating excercise.
    I will write in detail to all your posts in 4 hours
    I feel bad that I can not be here on this blog now though I badly want to talk-RIGHT NOW
    I will catch some sleep and come back
    Love you all
    Meemee



  413.  #413Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 11:45 am

    Meemee,

    What I hear in the soft words of X is the bait of a predator.

    I see the conniving, falsely kind face of my friend’s abusive exhusband, who is now in prison for threatening to injure or kill her. I met him one time, and I felt creepy when he tried to make eye contact with me, which I wouldn’t allow. He asked softly, “Do you have a place to stay tonight? You can stay here.” I remained cold and detached towards him, knowing what he had done to my friend, knowing he was faking niceness in hopes of pumping me for information about her and her plans.

    Daria, even if X does transform, I think it would be a long time coming. I think he should have a long, uphill climb to ever be next to Meemee again. He already stated he is messed up inside. He already tossed her crumbs for three years by keeping her his dirty little secret. He has done nothing to prove his intentions are otherwise.

    I feel surprised that the “Bitch Goddess” is advising feeling messages. 🙂 I think Meemee needs some space to heal. I think Meemee needs to be courted by some men who know how to treat a lady. To be proud to show off his goddess.



  414.  #414Honey on November 12, 2010 at 11:47 am

    Regarding X:

    Sometimes people don’t want to know how you feel because they want to connect.

    Abusers want to know because it helps them know how to manipulate you better.

    Example:

    Wife sharing feelings with good husband: “Honey, I feel so ugly since I’ve gained weight after the baby.”

    H: “Sweetie, lot’s of women gain weight after they have a baby. You don’t look ugly to me. You look beautiful and I want you now more than ever.”

    Abusive H: “Yeah you’ve really gotten fat. You are so lucky you have men cause no one else would want you.”

    Only this guy is more sophisticated. He looks for the vulnerable spot and sticks the knife in. He waits for a vulnerable moment, when he knows Meemee needs support and nuturance, and he makes his move. Oh this guy is good…ya gotta hand it to him.

    Oh my, I HAVE to go to work!



  415.  #415Honey on November 12, 2010 at 11:48 am

    Oops, I meant,

    “You are so lucky to have ME, cuz no one else would want you.”



  416.  #416Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 11:49 am

    So the bf just texted me asking if he could “come over tonight after supper or come over tomorrow.”

    This is what I have ready to send as a response – “I feel tired of the me making dinner and us hanging out at my place thing. I’m open to dates and plans with you but I don’t feel like a gf I feel like it’s fwb.”

    That’s all that fits (160 characters) is that clear enough for now does anyone think? And thanks Daria, that open to dates thing is totally from your advice!



  417.  #417Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Shannon, thanks. It’s NOT a date, though. That’s part of the problem, right? He’s got a GIRLFRIEND and he wants to bring her along. Lol. Can you say “fcked up”?

    I agree, the whole threesome thing is way too much pressure when I haven’t even met him yet.

    But…is it too much pressure when it wouldn’t NEED to be? If I was completely free and open?



  418.  #418Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Honey,

    RE: #414 – Yes, xactly. I have seen that kind of manipulation. They use your feelings as weapons with which to attack you. He writes “tight hugs” just as he thinks he has wiggled his way back into her heart. Yuck. Been there, done that, survived.



  419.  #419Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Hadassah,

    Yuck. If a man said that to me after a feeling message like that, I would give him no response.

    What do you think?



  420.  #420Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 11:56 am

    @405-I feel like I have outgrown it too-like it has gotten to the point where it is what it is, this is it, and that’s that. And I could still just hang out with him. I could still just talk, and be ok. I just don’t want to be his gf. It feels fake because I don’t feel like a gf! If this is all he can give, someone else can take it because I don’t want it, it isn’t enough for me. Doesn’t necessarily make him a bad guy – I don’t think he set out to hurt me or use me, but it is what it is. I can take it or leave it. And I guess I want to leave it.

    @411 – No problem! I didn’t realize how else what I said could be taken so I totally wasn’t clear enough!



  421.  #421Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 11:58 am

    @419 Brenda – I haven’t sent that yet. I kind of want input before I do. I’m not trying to sound whiny or angry, I just want to be as clear as possible about how I feel. As much as I can, via text!



  422.  #422Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Honey, there’s just a lil bit of anger — just bc, like Brenda said, he’s putting me (or I’m allowing myself to be) in a difficult, complex situation. I guess maybe part of me feels like if he really loved me like he says he does, he would either come by himself or not ask me to do this. However, he’s not asking me to do anything he doesn’t think I WANT to do. In fact, he’s not really asking me to do anything — he’s just wanting for all of us to have fun. In fact, he is wanting to Give to me (as well as getting something for himself) — and is planning to give me a massage “at the least.”

    I feel a lil scared to mention this (bc some on here don’t like psych labels), but I don’t know if you were around when I had mentioned that TN man has very mild asperger’s. So I think that comes into play here a bit too.



  423.  #423Simply Shannon on November 12, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Lucy, this has nothing to do with what you should be feeling or what this does or doesn’t need to be. This is all about how you really feel about it. For me it feels awkward and bizarre to be suggesting a threesome without having met me, while knowing he cares for me and is supposedly a good friend. I don’t know. It feels really weird and offbase. Should I feel open? Who knows. All I know is how I feel about it. It doesn’t matter what my brain thinks I should feel. Does that make sense? Meeting a good friend/romantic interest for the first time “should” feel free and easy. This does not feel that way to me. But then again, I don’t feel open to having sex on a first date (anymore – har har), no matter how long I’ve known the guy.



  424.  #424Senior Lady Vibe on November 12, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    @355: Amy F. says:

    “…I bought myself 2 pairs of really hot boots. One pair of motorcycle boots and a pair of boots that go past the knee. I have discovered that boots will take you a long way to happiness. …”

    I think so too. I think I want some.

    @364: Daria says:

    “Slv – anything more than one link per post usually goes in moderation…”

    Oops, 😳 I had three… thanks for the heads up!

    Daria,
    I am “stealing” more of your “wise words” and making them mine, with a little twist here and a little twist there. I think this below is a perfect response and better than one I mentioned to Honey for early dates.

    Actually the words I used are my truth too but perhaps better spoken in later dates if there is a spark and “exclusivity”/girlfriend talk starts rearing its ugly head. LOL

    Daria, I’m going to give your words some thought, I’m not really sure how I stand on marriage. I haven’t totally worked that out. I just very recently arrived at a startling revelation that I would consider marriage after all these years. Still developing this… a work in progress…

    Daria says:

    “Well, actually I don’t want to be a girlfriend. Looking to be married and have a family. So I feel better to date and meet people until something serious like a proposal comes up….”

    This part really resonates: “So I feel better to date and meet people until something serious like a proposal comes up….”

    The “date and meet people” sounds really good, really what I feel.

    Thanks, Daria for the boost.

    I like this too:

    @383 Daria says:

    “ohh I feel a little turned off hearing about hanging out. I don’t really know what to answer… The truth is, I feel better with more formal dates. What do you think?”

    😀

    SLV



  425.  #425AmberS on November 12, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    Lucy,

    If I was completely free and open?

    What if how you are RIGHT NOW is completely free and open. What if you don’t need to be anything other exactly what you are?

    Just curious. I feel weird reading all of these posts, because I could see myself wondering all of this in your shoes. And I can see how I could (and sometimes do) get all caught up in something because I’m not sure if I need to change and it’s a lesson, or if it’s just outside of my boundary and the lesson is being true to me.

    I’ve got no opinion on which answer is right. Just glad you have this space to process with non-judging people.

    Whatever you do, it will be the right thing for you. That feels really good to know.



  426.  #426Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Hadassah,

    My texts are limited in characters, too. If I find it is not enough space, I just write one, save to drafts, and write as many as I need and save to drafts. Then I send them off like missiles. LOL!

    I really like Daria’s feeling message:

    Hey… Actually I’m feeling very angry being asked that. I’m no longer looking to just have casual time with a man. I feel open to romantic dates and plans … And I don’t want to be asked by a man to come over.



  427.  #427Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Well I sent the text. Wondering how he is going to reply. Taking bets on how shocked he is by what I said.



  428.  #428Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Good points, Shannon.

    I have always felt that if I ever met him, I would definitely have sex with him right away — because I would want to, and I know I would. I don’t feel that way with other guys, but of course this is an unusual “relationship/friendship” to begin with.

    But that’s in respect to a twosome.

    This is a whole other ballgame.



  429.  #429Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Lucy,

    Almost all of what Shannon has been saying to you resonates with me. What she said here could easily be sent to TN Man as a feeling message/speech:

    “For me it feels awkward and bizarre to be suggesting a threesome without having met me, while knowing he cares for me and is supposedly a good friend. I don’t know. It feels really weird and offbase. Should I feel open? Who knows. All I know is how I feel about it. It doesn’t matter what my brain thinks I should feel. Does that make sense? Meeting a good friend/romantic interest for the first time “should” feel free and easy. This does not feel that way to me. What do you think?”

    I have concluded that if it were my situation, I would just bombard him with my mixture of feelings, a soup of emotions. Then “What do you think?” and he can come up with a solution. Maybe he himself will spontaneously come up with a new game plan, such as coming by himself for the first time.

    As a completely different type of solution, I will tell you what Kenny would say… 🙂

    He always tells me that men don’t like to get wrapped up and trapped up in ethical dilemmas and my guilt trips. He is always encouraging me to just let loose and have fun, to treasure pleasure, since there seems to be a shortage of it in life.

    What do you think/feel?



  430.  #430Honey on November 12, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Lucy –

    What I hear in your last post is about what HE thinks you want. What I’m hearing from you is that you really don’t want a threesome…you just want him. If I am hearing you right, I’m confused about why you are settling for less that you want.

    The aspie thing makes no difference. I love aspies. The only place it makes a difference is that he may have difficulty reading subtle social cues…in that case, you might have to be a little more direct about what you want and not expect him to sort it out for you.

    This feels bad to me. You sound angry because he is offering you a threesome instead of a twosome, and you don’t feel like you have a choice…like you have to have the threesome or nothing. If you really want a threesome, do it. If you really don’t want it, don’t do it – it is a betrayal of your own heart. Has a twosome without an audience been discussed?



  431.  #431Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    “Just glad you have this space to process with non-judging people.”

    Me too, Amber!

    I don’t feel like I AM completely free and open. If I was, this would be no big deal. I would just do whatever I feel like doing and not give it another thought.

    Maybe that’s what I should do: not give it another thought.

    But then how do I answer his note?

    I just kinda feel like I am on the verge of a spiritual breakthrough here.



  432.  #432Honey on November 12, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Lucy –

    It is possible that you won’t want anything once you meet. And that’s ok, too



  433.  #433Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Haddassah –

    already sent but… tweaks… important ones

    I feel tired of the me making dinner and us hanging out at my place thing. I’m open to dates and plans with you but I don’t feel like a gf I feel like it’s fwb

    I feel tired… no… this is not true. Tired is like, I want to go to bed.

    you feel drained. you feel angry at the thought of… etc.

    Tired sounds blaming (somehow) – gotta get more Authentic in the feelings here… this is important

    ” but I don’t feel like a gf I feel like it’s fwb”

    totally unecessary. This is pushing him away, not specifiying how come you feel that way.

    could be tweaked to

    ” but I don’t feel like a gf I feel like it’s fwb without formal dating.. and i dont want that.”

    ***

    the message sent original form feels blaming and angry without expressing anger to me

    htat’s ok though, theres always next time



  434.  #434Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Brenda, that’s exactly what I did, remember? i sent him a long note with all my feelings and thoughts. Then he came back with the whole play-it-by-ear, no expectations, no pressure plan. Just friends meeting, good food, movie, fun, and whatever happens happens.

    Your last paragraph is part of what I mean by “free and open.” Like, what’s the big deal??? Just do whatever I feel like doing and let the chips fall where they may.



  435.  #435Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Hadassah,

    I’ll bet you a nickel! 😆



  436.  #436Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Meemee – he is not poisoning you. He is trying in his way to connect.

    You are feeling poisoned. You have every right to feel how you feel.

    If you feel bad when he is trying to connect with you…. then let him know.

    I still feel so angry and awful. I feel terrible everytime I interact with you… and… I don’t want to anymore. I’m no longer available to chat on anything more than a professional level.



  437.  #437Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Hassadah – rereading again! my how i jump the gun lol. ok the message you sent doesnt sound so bad.

    the end part is NOT really great though, first of all because you Don’t want to be a girlfriend. You are CDing and looking for serious commitment – marriage.

    Second, because it makes it unclear why you feel like fwb… is it because of the dates, of would you still feel that way, etc

    I’m now feeling a lil more open to the “tired” although what it sounds like, is, you’re actually tired.

    not that it’s not good enough for you



  438.  #438AmberS on November 12, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Lucy,

    What I meant was, you are completely free and open EXACTLY AS YOU ARE?

    Because him asking for something outside your boundary doesn’t mean you need to change. Perhaps HIS boundaries are right for him, but not right for you?

    I guess what I’m feeling is – why do you need to change? If this wasn’t coming up, would you want to change?

    For me- FOR ME- this would feel wrong and disrespectful to myself to consider. He wasn’t willing to give me exactly what I want, but was trying to give me something else. And because I have these feelings for him, I am considering something I wouldn’t be comfortable with.

    I don’t think he’s disrespecting you. I don’t doubt the strength of your connection or feelings or even his motivation, because it’s not about him.

    Do you want to be different?

    If this is a lesson for you, it wont go away until you’ve learned it. So put it off, or say no, or say yes and then change your mind.

    YOU are the only thing you need to consider.



  439.  #439Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Lucy,

    Good, you already did that.

    Yeah, 4 glasses of wine and a hotel would make for Rockstar Lucy.

    If he won’t come by himself, then I guess you have no choice but to see how it goes and decide from there. Because I know you don’t want to not meet him.



  440.  #440Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Honey,

    “in that case, you might have to be a little more direct about what you want and not expect him to sort it out for you” That’s precisely what I was referring to regarding the asperger’s.

    What I would really like, yes, is just him first (no audience). Then, if that goes well, I would be open to a threesome and think it could be fun. However, I understand that he doesn’t want to come without her — she is his Girlfriend!! I have no romantic intentions with him, and he knows that — it’s really just my comfort level that is the issue. But he has HER comfort level to consider as well — and she probably doesn’t want him coming alone.



  441.  #441Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Meemee- notice how Brenda for example is associating this guy with a past abuser she knows…

    now she will be seeing the past abuser IN this guy, although they are different people…

    that’s what happens when we hold preconceived notions…. for example… if a man treated us badllly in the past, HE is toxic, etc…

    actually, behaviors change depending on our boundaries…

    it’s not for us to judge people, etc…

    yeah, he’s trying to get back with you… of course… AND he’s trying to connect…

    I’m not saying he’s great… im not even defending him

    all im saying is, he doesnt matter… his behavior does…

    all you must do is always speak your feelings and boundaries

    including that you dont want to talk to him when you dont,

    and that you feel weak and icky around him

    all that



  442.  #442Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #436 – You said, “I still feel so angry and awful. I feel terrible everytime I interact with you… and… I don’t want to anymore. I’m no longer available to chat on anything more than a professional level.”

    How I wish I had you when I was going thru the fake proposal with Ryan. I find myself copying and saving almost every feeling message you write. You really have a gift with putting things in perspective, and your feeling messages are on par with Rori’s! Thank you so much for sharing with us all! You are in the thick of your P.O.P., methinks!



  443.  #443Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    “Yeah, 4 glasses of wine and a hotel would make for Rockstar Lucy.”

    Maybe that’s the answer. 🙂



  444.  #444Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Lucy – this is not a date. I don’t accept to see men unless it’s a date.

    Thats a requirement.

    If a man wants to see me, its automatically assumed this is a date and i treat is as such.



  445.  #445Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    @433 – Thank you for your input, Daria! The thing is, I didn’t even want to do this via text. I am kind of mad it came to this. I feel like he pushed me into starting this convo via text when I didn’t want to by his not making plans with me and then wondering why I wont see him last minute.

    He seems so blind to the fact that I am hurt and upset. If he would call me, like he said he was going to every day when we got back together, then I would have spoken with him about it on the phone.

    If he asked me out, I could have talked with him about it after we went out. And frankly, I don’t care if he knows I am angry because honestly, I am. He said he would do certain things, and he isn’t, and those are deal breakers to me. (Drained wouldn’t fit but tired did, or else I would have said that! lol stupid limited text to non Verizon customers!!!)

    And I would totally clarify why I feel the way I do if he wanted to man up and call me or invite me out. If he doesn’t want to, then he gets texts with no explanations and that is also his choice.

    I guess if I really wanted to be open and inviting, I would have worded it differently. But I am angry and I am hurt and if he doesn’t want to date me now because I told him the truth – that I feel like a fwb, that’s his choice and I can accept it.



  446.  #446Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    that should be “this is not a date” in quotes…

    the guy wants to see you… its a date…

    he’s bringing another woman…

    i personally dont like other women on my dates.

    However, this guy today is coming to see me with his kids. i dont mind kids.

    other women, yeah. i dont feel as special with another woman

    to say the least lol

    i dont accept less than the best



  447.  #447Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Hassadah – he did not push you into anything…

    you are not required to answer his texts…

    you are not even required to be open and inviting…

    however, you have NOT communicated that you feel angry



  448.  #448Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #441 – I agree that past relationships can color today’s relationships in a negative way. Yet in this case, I see it as a serious abuser relationship, psychological abuse.

    We have not interacted with him at the level Meemee has, to really know. But I feel creepy almost every time she quotes him. I mean, what I’m saying is there are some past relationships that taught me very expensive lessons, like the alcoholic, drug addict, lying, manipulative bum I wasted 1.5 years on.

    I would be a pathetic fool if I ever let another man like him back in my life! I see the signs of abuse, and I want to protect and warn their victims. That is how I feel in Meemee’s case.

    To try to balance this out, even tho I see abuse from Ryan to me, I also see redeeming value. I see the picture at a deeper level than surface. I won’t take any more abuse from him, but yet I am hopeful that this man WILL transform and become my prince.

    I don’t know…does that make sense?



  449.  #449Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    you have communicated… that you WANT to be a girlfriend (though you’ve been saying you don’t)

    and that you don’t feel like one

    and that you are tired… of cooking….

    ***

    of course he doesnt get you’re upset –

    you haven’t told him yet!

    of course he doesn’t get you don’t want texts…

    youre ANSWERING them



  450.  #450Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Amber, it’s not necessarily outside my boundary. That’s what I’m trying to say. I don’t feel it is disrespectful to myself at all.

    Do I want to be different? Yes! Always, I want to always be growing and changing. Absolutely.

    He and I had talked about some of this stuff a long time ago, before he had a gf. So he has known for a long time that my boundaries in this area are somewhat flexible (by my choice).



  451.  #451Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Brenda – Ryan is not abusing you.

    Signs of the past are something we don’t want to use or carry with us.

    Every moment and interaction is fresh…

    that is how we are able to heal ourselves and receive Better behavior from the same man

    if we CANNOT shake the past… we must communicate that as well… and maybe that’s just how it is…

    but we are always trying to forget the past and go into the present moment feelings and energy

    At this moment, this guy is pursuing Meemee, asking about her wellbeing

    this is GOOD behavior.

    She is triggered because of feeling afraid and upset from teh past – GOOD!!

    of course! she is good to feel her feelings… and express them

    but that does not make his Current good behavior bad

    “thank you for the [good behavior,] and i still feel afraid because i’m still remembering past behavior. i don’t feel safe” is a general way to express this

    we always appreciate Good behavior from a man. even when we feel scared of him from the past.



  452.  #452Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Hadassah,

    Sometimes a good option is to say something like this: “I don’t feel good texting. I don’t feel treated like a lady.”



  453.  #453Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    “i dont accept less than the best”

    I understand what you’re saying there, Daria. But that would have to apply to everything else about a man/date as well. E.g., he’s not the best-looking man, and i don’t accept less than the best…. he’s not the best financially, and i don’t accept less than the best . . . etc.

    This is one place I agree with Katarina — NO man is going to be/give/do everything exactly the way we would choose if we got to choose everything.



  454.  #454AmberS on November 12, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Lucy,

    I am growing and learning and changing every day.

    When something comes up for me and I feel unsure then I have to look deeply at the stories I tell myself around ‘it’. If the stories are outdated and limiting then I let them go and revise my boundary.

    If I can’t decide if something feels good or not I have to keep digging until I get to the root of the conflict.

    I get that you love him and feel comfortable with him. I get that you want to be more open.

    So what’s the issue then?



  455.  #455Brenda on November 12, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Daria,

    I totally agree that Ryan is not currently abusing me. I feel really good about the way he is cautiously coming back around after I fu*cked up the relationship really bad by overfunctioning.

    He psychologically abused me to an extreme in the past. When I read your feeling message:

    “I still feel so angry and awful. I feel terrible every time I interact with you… and… I don’t want to anymore. I’m no longer available to chat on anything more than a friend level.” (I changed professional to friend), I thot how perfect that would have been for Ryan after the fake proposal. Then HE could have come back and helped heal the relationship.

    I was kind of talking in terms of last year, when I was hurt more deeply than I was by any other human being.

    You wanna know how extremely overfunctioning I was? The next morning, I was on the phone, trying to “fix” it! That was totally his job! I should have been three counties away, emotionally speaking.

    I’ve said my piece on Meemee’s relationship. Her choices are her choices.

    I just know you generate superb feeling messages.



  456.  #456Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Daria, 444. I don’t consider it a “date” when I am getting together with guy friends. That’s not a requirement for ME with my friends.



  457.  #457AmberS on November 12, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    To me- all of this mental distress feels very emotionally draining to experience.

    Maybe it’s keeping you safely mired in the question of this potential threesome. What are you avoiding by being stuck on this?

    Because, really- who cares? You do. You don’t.

    Either way you’ll still be you.

    If you regret it after, so what?

    If you don’t regret it- cool.

    You’ll be fine either way.



  458.  #458Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Lucy – it feels icky to read about him not wanting to come without her, she’s his girlfriend, and that he has to consider her

    that is so COMPLETELY his business!!!

    wow

    first of all, I direct you to a recent Rori posts about “girfriend” this term does NOT exist

    they are NOT married

    she’s just a woman he’s dating

    “I would feel more comfortable meeting you alone, first… and then see how i feel about a threesome” would be my Final Answer

    Locking it In. ding ding ding



  459.  #459Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Lucy – you are not being real with yourself by considering this man a “friend”

    friends don’t have sex



  460.  #460Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Thanks Brenda



  461.  #461Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Amber, that’s the thing — ultimately, ALL stories are outdated and limiting. The issue is, I obviously am still holding on to some of those limiting stories, and THAT is what holds me back from just receiving what is being offered, living in the moment, having fun, and sharing unconditional love with two people who are not really separate from me anyway when all the stories are gone.

    What do you think?



  462.  #462jacqueline on November 12, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Hi everyone!

    @ Meemee – I love what Daria’s saying!! It’s very valid, and more – the ball is in your court. You can control the situation, but you just aint feeling it. That doesn’t mean you don’t have the control, it just means you aren’t feeling it. Maybe – like how you made the lists? _ you can make a list of how you’d act if you felt like you had the control? And I’m sorry about the allergies, too – it’s so hard to feel in control of anything when we’re not physically 100%.

    @ Shannon – thanks for reading my comment on other thread and complimenting!! That was really cool.

    @ Haddassah – I don’t know what to tell you, but just saying I’m here and pulling for you!

    And Rosa, hope you are feeling as good as you can be!!! Hugs!!!

    To the whole wide world….

    you know in our perfect man list (the short one?)…well, I know a lot of times I’m on her very ambiguous about my guy! BUT…romance to me – haha….is he went and bought PERGO flooring for the kitchen (now after he’s done the sunroom, which he built with all windows!!!)…and he’s tearing up the gawd awful yellowed vinyl and my kitchen’s going to be amazing looking with almost real wood floors. I’ll take that over 50 candles any day.

    Not that candles aren’t amazing. What I’ve realized is that what is romantic can vary so much. Many times I was on those fancy dinners and just wishing the floor was not yellowing. So it is very cool that I found a guy who gets that I love wood flooring – and is on his knees sawing and hammering, etc. When he’s worked til after 8 – 10 p.m. every nite this week, has today off and works again tomorrow.

    Romance comes in many flavors…and so….the next time I’m dissing him, I want to say for the record – he does a LOT of stuff to make me happy. If I then choose to not be happy, or to have a deal breaker and kick his rear to the curb – well it’s my choice.

    But it reminds me that men very often want really badly to make us happy! Yeah, men!!

    Gotta go soak up some sunshine before I voluntarilly imprison myself for $$$….sigh!!

    Sunny,
    J



  463.  #463Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    I don’t accept less than the best in terms of how I’m TREATED and how SAFE AND GOOD ABOUT MYSELF I FEEL with a man



  464.  #464Lucy on November 12, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    “friends don’t have sex”

    I don’t share that belief, Daria.



  465.  #465Mercedes on November 12, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    “NO man is going to be/give/do everything exactly the way we would choose if we got to choose everything.”

    Mine is everything and more. Orna mentions this about Matthew too. And Tinque will say the same about K. They’re not perfect for everyone, but they’re perfect for us. I wouldn’t change one single thing about J if I could…not one single wish of something being different. He is exactly what I would choose if I got to choose everything…only I would have left out some of the parts that I hadn’t even dreamed of.

    He’s amazing. Seriously. Maybe that’s rare, but honestly, I wouldn’t and couldn’t ask for anything to be different or better. And the cool part? He feels the same way about me. And the even cooler part? We still offer each other room to grow and add to those things we never thought possible.

    It’s absolute BLISS when you choose not to settle for less than…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  466.  #466Hadassah on November 12, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    @449 Daria – I guess the problem is I haven’t shared enough back story. When we broke up (my choice) and got back together, I told him I need lots of attention like daily phone calls, and planned time together, and to feel like we are a part of each other’s lives and like I am important to him and not just a convenience he pencils in. I told him how hurt, angry, etc. I was. I used feeling messages galore. I told him I am old fashioned and don’t feel comfortable calling men and that I want to feel perused because he wants me and wants to be with me.

    Fast forward to a few months later (today) and we are right back to where we were when I broke it off at first. He didn’t even make it a month without slacking. I figured he was talking such a big game about taking me out and doing all these romantic things that I would wait until my fam got here to give him a chance to show me.

    He hasn’t done crap.

    He hasn’t kept up his end of the bargain at all.

    To me, if I was mad about it a few months ago, and we broke up, and I told you two weeks ago I am sick of not making plans and just being an afterthought, and him just texting me to come over two hours before he wants me to cook for him, me being angry about the same stuff AGAIN should not be a huge surprise when he is once again failing to follow through on what he said he wanted to do to show how much he cares for me. It isn’t like we haven’t had this conversation numerous times.

    And PLEASE don’t take this as me b*itching you out. I haven’t mentioned these details before, so I was just trying to clarify where I am coming from frustration wise. I have explained to him that his lack of attention, his lack of plan making with me but making plans with everyone else in his life and making plans with all of his hobbies and whatnot makes me feel like I have done nothing but replace B (his ex fwb) and that is not something I want.

    And I don’t mind being a girlfriend as long as I think he is being serious about it. I would still date myself and I personally, if I am in a LTR that I think has a future, I am not comfortable with hanging out with other men unless they are just friends. But that is me. I am sure not everyone agrees.



  467.  #467AmberS on November 12, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Jacqueline!!!!!

    Hello Darling!

    I’ve missed you and your writing. I understand, but I miss your blog.

    Sending happy, joyous love and light!

    Amber



  468.  #468Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Man: to Daria… (a Daria who is bi curious)

    hey, you are awesome, and I’d like to come see you and bring another woman who is bi so that maybe we can have a threesome

    bi curious Daria: hmmm.. that might feel interesting… i don’t feel comfortable jumping into anything… but I would feel curious to see how i feel… ok

    ***

    the end

    lol

    ***

    the only reason i wouldn’t feel comfortable in this situation is because I KNOW you have romantic feelings for TN man

    Ex guy in Daria’s life that she has feelings for:

    Hey babe, I want to come see you and bring another woman to see if we could have a threesome

    Daria: WOW!! I feel furious!!! I HATE ?YOU!!!! I feel absolutely livid.



  469.  #469Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    I mean, he DIDNT COME SEE YOU FOR THIS LONG!!!

    and now he wants to come with antoher woman

    BARF NOW and slap him with the barf bucket

    How humiliating



  470.  #470Daria on November 12, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Hassaddah – it sounds like you have to start CDing for real and that will help you get clear on what you want

    ‘explaining’