It Doesn’t MATTER What You Said – You Did FINE!

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Here’s a letter from Karen, she’s beating herself up thinking about “mistakes” she might have made with a man…

Dear Rori,

When he told me he didn’t think he was ever interested in a relationship. He also said…I think it’s good if we get together once in a while and make each other happy…I was in shock I did sit back…I kept my cool…and simply said “I was looking for the whole enchilada I wanted to find my one and only and wanted to be married”…

He said he didn’t think he ever wanted to be married again…

In recent weeks leading up to this…he started telling me he loved me and missed me when we were apart…He made statements that really sounded like he was moving to something serious…Believe me…

I didn’t tell him I loved him I have never leaned forward…till I asked him straight up…Where he wanted things to go…

I asked him these questions on Saturday then on Sunday I got an email from him.
I then responded in a way that makes me sick to my stomach…

I told him I enjoyed my time with him…So…OK…If he wanted to get together for some fun now and again let me know…

I guess it was my insecurity. I normally pride myself in not being insecure…I just completely lost my head and agreed to something I have no interest in…I TOTALLY CAVED !!! I don’t want to be a once in a while sex buddy…I want it all…

Now it’s Tuesday…I haven’t heard from him…I don’t really expect to…till he decides he wants to hook up…

I am wondering if I should wait till I hear from him to tell him… or if I should simply send him and email that says I have thought twice about accepting his proposal to keep things casual…and I don’t have any interest in that…If he changes his mind and decides he wants a real relationship I would love to talk about that…

You have said there are ways to turn things around…

HELP!!!

Regards, Karen

My Answer:

Karen – First – please STOP beating yourself up! You did fine! It doesn’t matter WHAT you said! You sounded cool to me, and just fine.

Now – absolutely forget about him, and promise me you will never, ever become exclusive with a man short of a marriage proposal again! Not EVER!

When he calls – either don’t answer at all, or say “It feels good to hear from you, and I don’t feel we’re a match. Good luck, and I’ve got to go now….” and hang up. Do NOT discuss things.

He knows what he has to do to be with you…either he does it or he doesn’t. It’s “boy gets girl, boy loses girl…” and now he’s lost you.

Stay lost to him, and let yourself be found by other men who want what you want.

If you need help – resolve and Tools around this – get my Targeting Mr. Right program. And read about Circular Dating all over my blog and DO it!!!

And listen to the entire Love Forever sessions – there’s a LOT about this in the program…(Circular Dating is not about dating – it’s about interacting with human beings all throughout the day, every day – especially with men, using the Tools, practicing your skills, and being in public. It’s “in the field” experimenting – a sort of laboratory for your skills.

Love, Rori

 

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1 Comments

  1.  #1Sha-sha on January 5, 2013 at 11:32 am

    I’m so happy my man got us a new puppy as a new years gift! Neither one of us want childern were more animal ppl! I felt so excited and so happy to meet are new baby girl Mia. He suprised me pretty good with the puppy. Are relationship is going so good I love him so much he is that man that gives u butterflies in ur belly all the time…I see a really amazing future with this man. Then yesterday I played the lottery and won hahaa so crazy everything is so good in life right now!!! I have n complaints in life or my love life… Rori I love ur emails and program its amazing. U help lots of women and I think that’s awesome



  2.  #2Mercedes on January 5, 2013 at 11:38 am

    This advice is spot on perfect from my view! LOVE it!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  3.  #3Indigo on January 5, 2013 at 11:48 am

    FW (from previous thread)

    Thank you. My practice for now is forgetting about him and becoming the kind of gentle, strong, feminine woman that I want to be. Not obsessing about him is a moment-to-moment practice for me at the moment, yet I feel I can get there. And I want to *fill* my life with other things that I love.

    Curvy Siren

    Yes, you have hit the nail on the head once again. I feel I can very much tell the difference from a friends vibe. I say watching a movie, and hanging out, which I know conveys a casual vibe, but in truth I would rather do that than *any* date because he turns it into something special, and the vibe is anything but “casual” and “friends”, and he does take me out on actual dates as well. It’s hard to explain.

    However, I know what my lesson is here. It’s to stay contained within myself, to stay on my horse, to not make any man the source of my happiness. And most importantly, to *lean back*, not chase, and have confidence in the woman I want to be.



  4.  #4MovingMagic on January 5, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    Mercedes, Brazil is on my list of places to go too. 🙂 I study Samba-Afro/Brazilian. It’s sexy & exciting! I’m going to a capoeira class this coming Thursday. I studied it years ago. I love the dancing acrobatics involved. Yummm



  5.  #5Estrela on January 5, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    I like that Rori tells her to lose this guy’s info. It’s so easy to feel capable of changing a man or somehow saying the right thing to make him the man we want, but if he is truly looking for other things, anything we say or do won’t change him. I have definitely been in the friends with benefits situation, and it never feels good. It also wastes precious energy that could better be used getting a graduate degree, learning to cook Thai, perfecting my Spanish.

    I thought I was going about this dating thing a-ok with Beto, my current bf. We didn’t get involved physically until we’d talked exclusivity, we didn’t get involved physically. He pursued me, although I do remember on the 3rd date instead of asking me out, he said, “Want to get together again sometime?” We’ve talked marriage (and we’ve only been dating 3 1/2 months. But lately there have been some huge hang ups that I’ve talked about on other posts: he makes six figures but still rents an apartment, owes big bucks on a new car, and has credit card debt; he asks me to buy groceries, bring over dinner, provide all wine and beer for his friends at his parties (they also earn way more than me. I am a grad student and on a pretty tight budget.) Also, he was condescending to my family and his main love in life? His body. He spends hours a day bulking up and chisling down. For me, I’ll take a guy who is kind and centered with a bit of a paunch any day over someone who is so self-centered. Anyway, I know it’s over. I think he knows too because he asked me if I wanted to get together this weekend but then never responded to my response. I need to end this and feel a little torn over it. I keep jumping into these commitments, get physical, and then have to end it. At the same time, I look forward to getting out to date again and finding the right guy. How long should I wait though before dating? And where can I look for guidance on how to end this?



  6.  #6Estrela on January 5, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    PS Mercedes, are you from Brazil? This Brazil talk perked my ears up 🙂 I love the Brazilian culture and speak Portuguese. Adorava visitar o Brasil um dia!



  7.  #7Tam on January 5, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    Curly is not fighting for me, he dropped off the face of the earth. I take that as a hint….words not matching up actions. That’s fine, better to know now than ever..no need to discuss the dealbreakers or even break a sweat. Found myself feeling a little lonely today as we did a lot of things even in such a short space of time, he always wanted to see me over anything else. nevermind.
    CDing myself now.
    Got a text message from one of his friends (WTF…passing me around now? might be disconnected though, this one was chasing me before). Pfff



  8.  #8Emoticon on January 5, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    LOVE this



  9.  #9Femininewoman on January 5, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    Indigo I am wondering if you read the article above?



  10.  #10BeLoved on January 5, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    Today I have felt SO MUCH ANGER and so much resolve to be done with feeling so attached to C.
    I went out and bought a black candle, set up an altar in my kitchen (one of the few spaces not covered in feathers and candles and crystal, haha my whole home is an altar), said a prayer to la Santa Muerte to give my feelings and this pattern and this b*stard child of an entanglement a peaceful death, as well as anything in me that is attracted to and desires anything or anyone harmful to my being and my soul.

    I feel so much better.

    I’ve never done a ritual or prayer like this before, I never wanted to let go of those feelings and have pined and pined and PINED for ex’s for ages.
    Ugh.

    I feel irritated, in a good way, in a way that feels like some pent-up stuff is shaking loose.



  11.  #11ladyinwating on January 5, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    Once again, perfect timing on this piece.
    Thanks for the shot in the arm Ms. Raye.
    Right now feeling hoodwinked, fooled, mislead.
    or Am I?
    Was feeling frustrated from new cd for 3 months. Could not figure out why for a while.
    Just knew in my gut -sumthin wasn’t all right.
    I am happy, I could recognize my triggers.
    of being manipulated
    of being somehow used.
    I am angry and embarrassed that I found this in my life again. I was depressed that I was experiencing this instead of the “warm puppy” type relationship experience I crave.
    He was deliberately manipulating any and all communication to create a response of me falling for him.
    It was not the real deal. I used my feeling messages as best as I could-this post empowers me to KNOW I am as perfect as I have to be at any given time.
    He timed emails, he wrote certain things, he timed the length and amount of phone calls. Things he said, remarks and behaviors to my responses or lack thereof. Oh my. Recently, on Christmas Day no less, he said he would call-I didn’t ask-just said that would be nice! He texted, then did not call. Yeah, you guessed it- I caved and called him. He did not answer. Next day, practiced back in girly mode-”
    It didn’t feel good that I did not speak to you yesterday.”
    He comes back with “glad to hear you feel that way, missed you too.”
    He was glad I was Hurt? What? Huh?
    That was a eyeopener that helped me fill in the blanks.
    But, somewhere inside I knew.
    And, I told him so.
    One part of me wants to throw up,
    another part wants to wash the sweat off my face and say “You go gurl, ya ran the gauntlet and you won!.”
    He has this week even controlled how he left. Or, did I leave first by being my true self?
    AAArrrgghh.
    Fighting the urge to call him, yes I just did. He left this week when supposedly he is having medical issues, job issues, last child leaving the house for the military.
    So, he left me hanging too. I feel left out in the cold. Medical issues came up saturday-right before we were supposed to see each other-yes-for the first time.
    I know, chill out right?
    No, he opted not to call or tell me until after. So weird, he was trying to manipulate/control all that too.
    I am feeling weird. 2 weeks straight of I can’t wait to see you from him. And then totally shut out.
    And then he apologised and made it sound like it was my fault for being sad and disappointed and worried.
    My reaction was normal. His shutting me out and then blaming me for having a set of feelings towards it scared me.
    So yeah,
    plenty of times when you grasp at-did I say the right thing?
    Plenty of times you will NOT get answers as to what, why or huh?
    then,
    you sink to your knees, and
    feel your feelings, and
    hug yourself, and
    cry if you have to,
    scream if you have to,
    and sink in as well to the fear that this icky type not the warm puppy relationship thing could happen many more times,
    and
    know that you have the power to love yourself anyway.
    And, it’s just one day. And maybe you learned something, (I did)
    I KNOW what’s like to live free with my heart. I have learned that by peeling away the layers the last couple of years.
    So,
    I knew my heart knew the difference between being free and being bound.
    I want to be free in someone’s heart and they in mine.



  12.  #12Sassy on January 5, 2013 at 4:19 pm

    Where is everyone???!!!



  13.  #13Scarlet on January 5, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    Well, we’ve hit a big bump in the road. I spoke to the man yesterday afternoon and he said he was going to a family function (and I had to go to a friend’s son’s birthday). So he said he would call later in the night, but I didn’t hear from him. This morning, his mother informed me that he went to a friend’s house and she hasn’t seen him since either.

    It’s been intense and consistent and great for 4 weeks. Now this – lies. What do I do now?



  14.  #14Emoticon on January 5, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    On facebook lol



  15.  #15Rori Raye on January 5, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    Sha-Sha – you rock! Love, Rori



  16.  #16Sassy on January 5, 2013 at 4:58 pm

    Ohhhh, I’m not and it feels cold and lonely here…..
    Tell em to come back emoticon!
    Good to see you



  17.  #17Emoticon on January 5, 2013 at 5:06 pm

    Thank you, i will pass on the message!



  18.  #18Emoticon on January 5, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    Sassy they want u to come on Facebook!!



  19.  #19Sassy on January 5, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    Hah! No I’m too shy…lol



  20.  #20Emoticon on January 5, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    awww everybody is friendly there



  21.  #21Emoticon on January 5, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    Sassy

    Iamabutterfly wants u to email her at mishy0811@hotmail.com and she will add u to the FB group (if you want)



  22.  #22Tam on January 5, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    Sassy, I am here…hellooooo!!



  23.  #23Emoticon on January 5, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    Miss Stix is coming lol



  24.  #24Melinda on January 5, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    Rori. What happened to the 3rd way? C him and date others? Like the way u did?



  25.  #25Sassy on January 5, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    Emoticon,

    Thanks for the info.



  26.  #26Sassy on January 5, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    Hi Tam Tam!!!
    Glad to see you



  27.  #27GlowStix on January 5, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    Hi!

    Wow…There is no way in all the universe for me to catch up here!!

    I will just jump back in…*Splash*



  28.  #28GlowStix on January 5, 2013 at 6:36 pm

    I did catch that Curly poofed, and my ears perked 😉



  29.  #29GlowStix on January 5, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    Sassy

    The FB group is so welcoming and full of support…We also laugh, a LOT. It feels like I have access to a girls night 24/7, and we would love for you to join us!
    🙂



  30.  #30Lori on January 5, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    I would like to join you on FB. Would you provide the link?

    I joined Match.com and Okcupid but I deactivated or hid my profile. I’m just not ready. I really don’t want to date. I feel like i need some space and time to just be me.



  31.  #31Emoticon on January 5, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    Lori read my comment number 21 email Iamabutterfly and tell her to add you



  32.  #32MovingMagic on January 5, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    3 hours of dance today, & then a birthday drink with one of my sambaistas. I love all of the amazing sisterhood I’m feeling these days. I’m rocking some sparkly high heeled ankle boots, & getting compliments everywhere I go. Thank you universe for showing me *my* way.



  33.  #33Tam on January 5, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    Aw thank you Sassy 🙂
    I feel all glowy now!



  34.  #34Tam on January 5, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    27 Hello GlowStix, yep, his loss 🙂



  35.  #35Vi on January 5, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    I am practicing focusing on things I am not used to focusing on. So today I made up my mind to focus on food while I am eating – instead of a book or a computer or TV screen – which is something I always do… and it feels super challenging for my mind!! I could hardly wait until I finish my meal and get back to my laptop. I feel giggly now. No wonder that changing relationship patterns feels so difficult and next to impossible!
    What is here for me to learn? Practicing not beating myself up for not being where I would like to be right here, right now (I have all the time in the world – just like that cool girl who I admire). And Loving myself in the moment, despite of how the moment feels… Sigh. I love me 🙂



  36.  #36Luzydel on January 5, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    I feel something…

    All I know is that perhaps the universe has something better for me. better doesn’t have to be with a man. Maybe my happy ever after is traveling, finishing grad school; going back to painting. I do not like the feeling men provoke in me. I feel like crying and get depressed even thinking about men. I want to be free, and do what I like. Cding myself again! I can’t deal with men, they do not fit my life…



  37.  #37Emerson on January 5, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    ((Luzydel))
    Wow I feel admiration that you are a painter!
    Travel and grad school are pretty awesome too…definitely on my list as well….
    I feel so many doubts about men/ relarionship if success is possible for me….what is my true belief about this?!? Am I brave enough to let myself discover it?



  38.  #38Emerson on January 5, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    Ohh my… I feels scared of my negative feelings…I don’t know why blueCD poofed…so hot and cold… I feel angry and annoyed and “not chosen” ….



  39.  #39GlowStix on January 5, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    I am so fully cut right now.

    The man is mixing records and I feel soooo goooood! Rawr! 😀 yum!

    I’m rockin it today. Good times!



  40.  #40GlowStix on January 5, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    Having a personal DJ is fun. I may just get up and dance around the room in my pj’s!



  41.  #41GlowStix on January 5, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    Tam

    I’m gonna have to read back! Jeez. The life of a siren 😉



  42.  #42Tam on January 5, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    I give you the short version Glowy (before heading into my sheets yawn). We have different lifestyles and I could not see it matching long term, some dealbreakers for me….soooooo I gave him the option of dating casually (rather than the committed relationship he was asking me to enter with him a million times), in order to find out if we could get a middle of the road or even just to see how we really felt about each other.
    Since I gave him that option he never came back to me, it was Thursday.
    I felt a little surprised as he came on very strongly and seemed really into me…and previously he had told me that I could have as much time as I wanted.
    Trouble is that he was already calling me his gf, and guess he was offended at my backtracking…well, whatever. It does not suit me to enter into any exclusivity agreement whilst I can’t see myself ever living with him…I see that as a waste of time for something not viable.
    Another one bites the dust.
    Sigh.



  43.  #43Tam on January 5, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    …and the fact that he gave up so easily is also very interesting. A man of words, not so much actions….was more used to men of action and few words. Well ,learnt something again 😉



  44.  #44GlowStix on January 5, 2013 at 9:33 pm

    Wow..

    Well hey, they all teach us something, right? You don’t need to compromise on anything at all anyways.

    NEXT! 😉



  45.  #45JoAnne on January 5, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    Rori, I need help!!! I am 74. I have buried 2 husbands. I lost #2 8/2011. I saw a man from the first of Oct until the week of thanksgiving. He lost his wife of 53 years 5/2010. They went to FL every year for the winter. He is 79. From the day I met him, I am head over heals. He was calling me or I him until a few weeks ago. He keeps telling me he is no good. He doesn’t know what he is going to do with me. He won’t let me come to visit him in FL. as his younger daughter lives there and wanted to know if he was trying to replace “Mom”. He is one of the kindest, big hearted men I have ever known. He will come back in March, but I want to fly down to ride back with him in his M/H so he has some new memories of the M/H and the drive back. I know he cares about me, but when I call now, he won’t answer his phone. I don’t want to lose contact with him. Before he went, he asked if I would go down with him, but I had commited to work at Macy’s for the Christmas Season. He said he had to go befor the Holidays so Wendy wouldn’t be alone. In her 50s and unmarried and never been married. He has another daughter, Sue in NY that I have met and she don’t have a problem with his seeing me. How can I make this situation better? Do I not call him and let him call me next? Do I get in my car and drive down there? He knows I love him and I know he cares for me, but still has his wife on his mind. I know he must make new memories, I just don’t know how to do that and help US. Please help me!!! JoAnne



  46.  #46Emerson on January 5, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    Tam that feels surprising that he never came back or contacted you… But….you sound soo authentic and true to yourself yay tam!!!



  47.  #47k2012 on January 5, 2013 at 10:52 pm

    “Stay lost to him, and let yourself be found by other men who want what you want”. Yess!!! Indeed. Excellent advice. I have a question about circular dating. Rori and other ladies can help me out too-u said circular dating is not about dating. I thought it was. I know interaction with persons but I thought it involved dating other people as well. Talking with a guy from school days on instant message right now and I feel quite excited. Since as that is interaction, is it circular dating? I am a bit confused.



  48.  #48k2012 on January 5, 2013 at 11:08 pm

    Everyone’s gone to bed? Lol. I must turn in soon myself.



  49.  #49Indigo on January 5, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    Feminine Woman

    Yes, I read it. It was very eye-opening for me.

    I have also been reading Mercedes’ blog – girl, you rock! Such wise advice.



  50.  #50Scarlet on January 5, 2013 at 11:38 pm

    Anxiety

    I’m feeling scared that I have been abandoned.

    I’m feeling scared that if I haven’t, I may not be able to express and practise my boundaries so i don’t get lied to again.



  51.  #51Starbright on January 6, 2013 at 12:06 am

    ((((Scarlet)))
    If it were me, I would try to give the guy the benefit of the doubt until I heard different. From what I’ve followed of your story seems that things were going well lately. In the meantime, how can you get the focus onto you and off of him. What else would feel really good to you? Some amazing music. A hot shower or bubble bath. Treat you in the most loving way possible.



  52.  #52Starbright on January 6, 2013 at 12:10 am

    Scarlet,

    Also, another thought based on what you wrote is that you could write down feelings and practice with it now on your own. If you have been telling him your feelings and boundaries, you can do it!!!



  53.  #53Starbright on January 6, 2013 at 12:16 am

    If you sometimes feel like your man has all the Power in your relationship, and you feel almost desperate to get your strong sense of yourself back, I learned something very valuable (the hard way) this weekend that I know will help you, too.

    If you’re at all like me, you value being “nice,” being “liked,” and being “well thought of.”

    So, if you’re like me – being a “Drama Queen” is just out of the question.

    Well, that’s all nice and good, wanting to be “mature” and “well spoken” and “thoughtful,” but for most of us, all that “carefulness” and “political correctness” gets us to the same place – pushing our men away!

    How can that be?

    How can we push a man away by being “nice” and “mature”?

    Well, as I’ve known since the moment I turned my marriage around years ago, and as I teach my clients and write and create programs about for you, valuing “nice” and “mature” over AUTHENTIC can just kill a man’s love for you.

    And it’s not because there’s something so wrong with “nice.”.

    It’s because sometimes our “nice” is just not REAL.

    Because we value being liked more than being Authentic, we can stuff down our feelings.

    I still struggle with this – and as aware as I am about it, it still always surprises me when I choose the “high road” – choose to let something that’s bothering me go rather than speaking up about it.

    These are the moments when my inner Drama Queen can actually HELP!

    So – what does YOUR inner Drama Queen look like?

    Is she so not welcome inside you that you’d do almost anything to not let her out?

    Are you so afraid she’ll turn you into a raging Drama Queen out there in the world that you push her down and try to keep her covered up?

    Well, the one thing I know is that if you don’t love your inner Drama Queen, and instead resist her as much as you can – that’s when you actually DO turn INTO a Drama Queen.

    It’s as though the fight to keep her from taking over makes her squeak by you so you end up acting like a Drama Queen anyway.

    Only – instead of YOU GUIDING her, so that her words come out THROUGH YOU, in Feeling Messages instead of attacks, and so her feelings inspire a man to HELP you instead of run from you – she comes out without your consent and without your control.

    Your inner Drama Queen just jumps out and splatters all over everything. It’s those moments when we do or say something we wish we hadn’t.

    And then you remember the moment when you first felt angry or upset and didn’t say anything about it when it happened – and you KNOW that if you’d just spoken out – authentically and truthfully in that moment, you wouldn’t have turned into a Drama Queen just now.

    So – love your inner Drama Queen.

    Loving her and embracing her will make it possible for you to avoid ACTING like a drama queen.

    Let her speak to you.

    Let her say what’s on her mind.

    Let her into your heart, feel her feelings and use YOUR WORDS to say what’s going on inside you.

    You can do this.

    Your Drama Queen on the inside can make you calmer and easier on the outside.

    Your Drama Queen on the inside can help you stand up for yourself and be stronger.

    So – talk to her.

    Ask her what her name is.

    Ask her if she’ll help you be stronger, more direct, authentic, and VULNERABLE.

    Try this Tool and see if you feel a little lighter, a little more in step with yourself – I know that I did.

    In my Toxic Men program, I have a whole section on getting to know and embracing your inner “Stranger” – this will help you so much to stop attracting and being attracted to toxic and difficult men. You can take a look at it (and all my programs) on the “Rori’s Catalog” page here…For now, just listen to your inner Drama Queen instead of shutting her up, and see what she has to offer you – and let me know how she helps you.

    Love, Rori



  54.  #54MovingMagic on January 6, 2013 at 12:29 am

    Tam, don’t be surprised if he shows back up. They usually do. 😉



  55.  #55Scarlet on January 6, 2013 at 1:19 am

    Hi Starbright
    Thank you for your response.
    I can express my boundaries but I think I’m scared that I won’t follow up with actions.
    I’ll give you an example:

    We have discussed quite a bit about how my man tries to please everyone instead of saying no and setting his own boundaries. He still likes (or can’t say no to) hang out with his mates and he will try to come to my place afterwards and have another date with me. At the moment we’re all on holidays and it’s hot, and I live near the beach so late nights are very common. He said to me that he doesn’t want to say no to them and he doesn’t want to tell me he’s doing something else. Very immature, I know. Anyway, I have been telling him that I need communication that he is doing something else as long as I know. (We have been seeing each other every day). But he has said that he does not want to tell me he’s doing something else because it will upset me. But last night he just lied and then has avoided me ever since.

    So, that is why my fears are coming up. If he does ever call me, I can re-express my feelings and boundaries, but I guess I have to be strong enough to follow that up with a clear action of not allowing him to come to me after he’s already done something with his mates so he can please everyone.

    Oh, I don’t know – I’m just scared.

    I will go for a walk.

    Thanks again



  56.  #56Starbright on January 6, 2013 at 1:38 am

    I feel confused. Is it that he is trying to pick up other women when he is with friends? Or that he is coming over late to see you at times afterwards without taking you ion a proper date first? Is it that you are not invited with him and his friends?

    Just trying to understand the general issue. Now it seems that it is most recently about lying about a family function and that he did not call.



  57.  #57Butterfly Wings on January 6, 2013 at 1:42 am

    21 – It’s actually butterfly wings, but all good! 😉



  58.  #58Butterfly Wings on January 6, 2013 at 1:49 am

    Quick update from me…

    TH and I shared an awkward lift moment where he mentioned that I had let myself go, and that my skin was terrible. My response: “I really don’t give a shit what you think!”. Honestly, he’s one very sad man… lol

    Meanwhile, J, the guy NWG introduced me to, is honestly the most beautiful man I have EVER met. But… he’s now in the exact same situation I was with TH. So while I’m open to receiving contact from him, I’m not expecting anything else. I had lunch with him and NWG on Friday and it was sooooo good to see him… sigh…

    S, who I dated almost two years ago and who I met up again with on NYE is in regular contact and we caught up briefly today. He’s so cute. It’s like he thinks he’s in a dream after NYE (we had a VERY good night!) because apparently I’m such a catch! hehe!

    I have another J, who is from my hometown. I’m going out with him tomorrow night. He’s had a crush on me for 23 years. I’m definitely not interested, but looking forward to hanging out all the same.

    Then there’s Mr Italian who keeps trying but failing to book me in for a night of passion.

    So life’s interesting to say the least!

    I have my operation on Thursday (most of you know what that’s about), and NWG’s friend J has insisted on coming over that night to “look after” me. Awww!

    I’ve never had a guy offer to do that for me, so I really felt overwhelmed by his offer.

    Since ditching TH from my life, I have to say I’ve never felt happier! A little sexually frustrated, but definitely happy! 🙂



  59.  #59Scarlet on January 6, 2013 at 2:20 am

    I really don’t believe he is wanting to pick up other women. It is about how he cannot say no to people, including me so he either tries to be everywhere and please everyone or he lies and/or avoids if he can’t.

    i have seen how he avoids phone calls from someone who wants him to be somewhere else when he is with me.



  60.  #60Rebecca on January 6, 2013 at 6:09 am

    Hmm

    I really want to work at not being affected if someone ignores me.

    Recently at a NYE party I went to a guy friend I knew was there and he just isn’t as friendly as he used to be. Like I sense him leaning totally back. My instinct is to lean forward – yet I know that this is not the answer. This person is a friend, not really a CD. I feel a bit confused when these situations happen.

    Does anyone know what I mean? Or am I just being too sensitive?? Hmm, maybe I am…



  61.  #61Tam on January 6, 2013 at 6:13 am

    Moving Magic…uhm….not sure that he will. No idea. he is quite a confident and proud man and he said that he will walk away if I reject him and he won’t look back and that he’d rather do than now than once he has fallen in love and turned into a basket case…
    well, one of his friends has now showed up with texts and emails and I feel pretty livid about this knowing how men are…I have either been passed around or Curly has been seen with someone else, so suddenly this guy feels safe to make a move on me.
    I am not amused.
    I feel angry.
    I don’t move from guy to guy.
    Although, admittedly, this one is more in my age range, with a good job etc. But the most boring and womanising guy ever….NO THANKS!!!
    Grumble.



  62.  #62Tam on January 6, 2013 at 6:15 am

    44, thanks Emerson, yea, I feel totally surprised since he came on very strong…but hey. Maybe it was a good test of what he’s made of. Rather now than never. Apart from all the issues that make it pretty impossible for me to imagine anything long-term with him, I wouldn’t want a man who doesn’t fight a little for me 🙂



  63.  #63Rebecca on January 6, 2013 at 6:34 am

    I need to get back into dating somehow. I tried Match.com recently but I didn’t get anywhere and I felt kinda grumpy about that. I’ve tried POV and Oasis but I just find the type of men on there less articulate and none of them really have much to say. It almost feels like “pulling” in your local club or something. I have lots of male friends but no “real” CDs. Not sure what to do. If I flirt with my male friends then they will get the wtong idea. What shall I do??

    Hmmm… Maybe I shouldn’t sit around “thinking” about it, and stratergising all day…



  64.  #64Indigo on January 6, 2013 at 6:39 am

    Rebecca 58

    I think this is a mark of being ultra sensitive. I know I certainly used to feel that way, and still do just occasionally.

    I used to believe that other people’s behaviours really were a reaction to me, and I would see imagined slights, when really there could be a hundred different things going on with them and almost always, it has nothing to DO with me.

    I choose to shift my perspective now, when the reality is that I am LOVED 🙂



  65.  #65Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 6:46 am

    RE 59 Tam is there any way you can see a game in this with the friend? Maybe play along with him for a while? You never know. You might get a lesson from him about how men in this “group” or men in groups in general, think and behave with women. I believe if in your shoes I would want to know what this guy wants.



  66.  #66Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 6:49 am

    RE 58 Rebecca I would check myself to see where I am coming from “internally”. I would also taking his actions to mean that I must be leaning forward in some way, even if it is only in my thinking and just find a way to test it. Even if it is to do the Rori letting go tool every time I catch myself thinking about it. I also believe developing some habit to physically lean back to kinda remind myself to lean back internally is what I would do.

    Also he might be leaning back because there is another girl on his radar.



  67.  #67Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 6:54 am

    BW – “I really don’t give a shit what you think!”

    Though I wasn’t there, this suggests defensiveness. Also that he can still push your buttons. I wonder what your intensity and intonation was?

    You know it would be great if you could find a way to be so confident and loving of yourself that you find a way to just tell him in a kinda throw-a-kiss-internal-smile-way “and I just love just like that”. Then walk off and say outloud to yourself “damn I’m good” strutting like a high class diva.



  68.  #68Ulii on January 6, 2013 at 6:58 am

    @ Rebecca 61

    Sorry, just popping in after long time without being on a blog, your comment catch my eye…!

    Why you think your male friends would get a wrong idea? And what would that idea be? Maybe it could be good to flirt with them a bit to get the practicing started? 🙂



  69.  #69Tam on January 6, 2013 at 7:02 am

    63 FW, as always I stay open. I replied once or twice, we will see. Wouldn’t want to CD this guy though, too close for comfort.



  70.  #70Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 7:08 am

    There are always things that can be practiced, such as negotiating. I feel, I don’t want, what do you think?
    Then there is speaking up, particularly about boundaries. Then there is noticing oneself, to see where you are coming from internally. To see where your mind automatically goes. To see if when the anger comes up, if you can just catch yourself and stop. To see if you can remember to pause and check if you are coming from your heart or your head. To see if you can read his text, then check in with yourself to see how you are feeling and then put words to them. Heyy, you never know……what these men show up for you to learn…..or heal.



  71.  #71Ulii on January 6, 2013 at 7:15 am

    @ Tam 41

    I have been missing on your stuff lately a lot, as have not been on the blog… so good to see you resuming here. 🙂

    But, Thursday is still so few time ago… Why do you think he has poofed? And, so, now you do really like Curly? From the las time I remember you were not attracted to him.



  72.  #72Ulii on January 6, 2013 at 7:20 am

    Myself lately,

    I have learned by experience that the attraction can grow. Although I want a potential level of basic attraction to be there from the beginning – applying something I recall was EMK saying about if you ever imagine yourself sleeping with a man and if you had fun on the first date, then it´s worth to go on more dates ((don’t remember the exact words, but along these lines) . But from there on it´s getting all about how I feel in a presence of a man and how he is treating me.



  73.  #73Lori on January 6, 2013 at 7:46 am

    I just read k2012’s post about CDing. I think I was confused about it too. I thought I had to actually date which doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m so glad as I am not ready. I just don’t want to. It has nothing to do with him, it’s me.

    I’ve been practicing feeling messages and am amazed at the reactions. I’m feeling more ready for us to talk on Tuesday. I’ve been learning about leaning back and mirroring so will also practice that.



  74.  #74Ulii on January 6, 2013 at 7:52 am

    And

    wishing happy new year to all the sirens!!! I see a lot of new names here! That´s nice. Although it´s nice to see the familiar ones too, of course. 🙂



  75.  #75GlowStix on January 6, 2013 at 8:00 am

    Scarlet

    I am a bit behind on the blog here, yet that sounds, to me, like something for him to address only if *he* wants to. If you are not attracted to men with a lack of personal boundaries, that is your boundary. Trying to get him to have boundaries so you can feel more attracted is not a personal boundary. It is a control issue.

    If you don’t want him to come over late, after buddies, and you don’t want to hear his hedging about how he wanted to “say no” or not go…You say no to him. That is your boundary and that’s how you uphold it. Allowing him over, and then talking about things about him that you don’t like, is not upholding a boundary. It is an attempt to assert control.



  76.  #76Indigo on January 6, 2013 at 8:10 am

    GlowStix 73

    You are speaking some serious truth there 🙂 !

    This is a difficult one, but what you said is absolutely true.



  77.  #77Ulii on January 6, 2013 at 8:10 am

    My update about MotoCD:

    About 6 weeks into dating, he, who was my favourite, who I get too entusiastic about, and also too attached… he met me for lunch & told me he thinks we shouldn’s see eachother anymore as there is something missing from his part & also from mine (in his opinion). I could feel it was hard for him to have this talk with me, as he obviously cared and didn´t want to see me cry (which I did a bit).

    After my initial hurt & disappointment & blaming myself for being too cold and maybe holding back on expressing my positive feelings… I got to a place, where I really can appreciate this as a learning experience. If I did something wrong, I can do better next time (which would be related to try to be more authentic & express myself more & appreciate more).

    But already having this CD, I see that the quality of men around me is upgrading.

    I really admire him for not “poofing”, but having this conversation with me, even if it was not easy for him.

    At the end he is a nice & decent man, more rough & masculine I had been used to, but sensitive at the same time. He treated me with respect always & never pushed for sex nor tried to minimize my feelings.

    It just was not meant to be with him. But I´m feeling hopeful I will have the relationship I want soon. 🙂



  78.  #78Tam on January 6, 2013 at 8:28 am

    69, hi Ulii!!!!!
    Ah, no, I still did not ‘really’ like him in the sense that I was in love…but we spent some great days together and then I discovered some things that turn out to be dealbreakers for me….and I asked him if we could back-track and date, rather than be in a committed relationship (which he had been asking me for day in and day out, but I never ‘confirmed’…).
    After that, he disappeared. And he really disappeared, because he religiously contacted me early in the day and again throughout the days every day since late November and since thursday I heard nothing…plus one of his friends trying to make a move on me, kind of adds up to a disappearing act.
    That’s ok, just very surprising.



  79.  #79Rebecca on January 6, 2013 at 8:30 am

    FW

    Yes, I think it is about how I am feeling internally.

    Usually around this particular guy I feel fairly relaxed and confident. I generally NEVER really worry about what he thinks about me. We seemed to be having more of a friendship than romance, and he was always one of these people who I felt very comfortable chatting with, but just lately things have changed between us.

    I have also noticed that he has lost a bit of weight and seems to be having a healthier lifestyle. In fact he almost looks gaunt he has lost so much weight – not that he was fat before! I think maybe that it is me and I feelself concious around him now, and ulitmately “not good enough” for him.

    Could that be the message to me? Is that my internal voice talking to me?

    It would be interesting to know your thoughts because I have been torturing myself with this soet of thing for years.



  80.  #80Rebecca on January 6, 2013 at 8:34 am

    Indigo

    I agree – maybe I am being too sensitive. If I’m gonna make up a story – make up a good one right! Hehe 🙂



  81.  #81Rebecca on January 6, 2013 at 8:37 am

    Ulii

    The problem with a lot of the men in my life who I class as “friends” rather than CDs are quite unattractive to me. A couple are slightly older than me and have really let themselves go. The others I’m just not attracted to. Bad self care – that sort of thing.



  82.  #82Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 8:53 am

    RE 77 Rebecca I believe you have hit the nail on the head right there. I would encourage you to ask yourself those questions and see what answers your higher self comes up with.



  83.  #83Tam on January 6, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Curly’s friend is now asking me for date.
    I feel weird about this.
    Very, very weird.



  84.  #84Rebecca on January 6, 2013 at 8:55 am

    … Also I feel some men “hang around” with me because I amvery good at getting male friends girlfriends. ie this particular friend I sense is “using” me to meet my female friends. I feel really uncomfortable about this. Yuck. No thanks. This particular friend is the queen of leaning back as well.

    Ahhh…. Its so difficult. I want to CD but I don’t want to be used… I usually end up doing all the work.

    Sorry I am feeling resentful today!



  85.  #85Memulo on January 6, 2013 at 9:05 am

    I tried to spend the night with my CD. I mean after like 20 dates in 2 months. Didn’t work. I miss the other guy and I know it’s crazy of me. My CD is good looking and he adores me and treats me really well. and I am nowhere to be found to be there with him



  86.  #86Tam on January 6, 2013 at 9:13 am

    I feel like used/damaged goods..for sure they talked about me on the weekend, or at least assuming I was ‘free again’. I hate this.



  87.  #87Rebecca on January 6, 2013 at 9:23 am

    ((((tam))))



  88.  #88Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Tam tell him you feel weird. I might even ask him if that feels respectful of his friend for him to do that?



  89.  #89Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 9:27 am

    Tam YOU are making it about you.
    YOU are not applying what you have learned.



  90.  #90Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 9:29 am

    For all you know he gave him rave reviews about you. So now the friend might want to prove that he is a better man than Curly. Or he understands that you are the type of woman that a man wants so he does not want to let you get away like his friend did.

    If you are going to make up a story you might as well make it good.



  91.  #91Tam on January 6, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Yep, it is about me and now I feel angry and also on top of that weird. Rah!!



  92.  #92Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 9:31 am

    You hate for them to think you are free??????

    Duh (sorry) that is where your power is. You get to choose. They get to compete. You are the target. You get to reject or say yes. You are the prize.



  93.  #93Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Tam for crying out loud, every relationship coach says don’t make it about you. Especially the negative story. Come on. The men have issues. Curly did not have his shit together. He and his friends know it.



  94.  #94Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 9:34 am

    You were one who rejected him.



  95.  #95Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 9:36 am

    Tam I would tell him I am too hot for him. He might get burnt and bit the dust. Like his friend did.



  96.  #96Tereana on January 6, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Tam – I agree. It’s weird to go out with a friend of someone you’ve dated. I’ve tried it. And I’m not a fan. If you don’t feel good about it, you don’t have to! 🙂

    And don’t listen to FW. I mean, she has her point. But it doesn’t matter. However you feel is fine.

    You’re a rockstar!



  97.  #97Tereana on January 6, 2013 at 9:40 am

    *edit*: And don’t listen to FW. However you feel is fine.

    You’re a rockstar!



  98.  #98Tam on January 6, 2013 at 9:43 am

    FW, wow, I feel the passion behind your words and love it!!! Wow, lady!!
    YES!!! he didn’t have his shit together!! Exactly.
    And now I told the other guy that I feel weird (and why) but would be open to meeting at some point.
    Go me!!!!
    Thank you!



  99.  #99Tam on January 6, 2013 at 9:44 am

    93…hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…too hot for him? Actually, I probably am. But this one is a good salsa dancer, so before he starts biting the dust I might get a few dances out of him… 😉



  100.  #100Tam on January 6, 2013 at 9:45 am

    90..nono, misunderstanding, I don’t hate for them to think I am free, I more hate the thought that they are talkijng about me etc. But in reality, it is probably just that the other guy ‘observed’ Curly by himself on the weekend and drew his conclusions, as they are not really great friends. In fact, this guy was hitting on me at Curly’s surprise party.
    Which was a little humorous….



  101.  #101MovingMagic on January 6, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Yes Femininewoman, I love the reminder to make the story a good one, if you’re making up one at all! It’s so easy to do the opposite. It’s so easy to get worked up, when really we’re not in their heads, & have no place being there anyway.



  102.  #102Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 9:47 am

    would be open to meeting at some point – Yayy to you.

    That point could be some time in infinity. Maybe never.

    Maybe find a way to ask him why would he think you would consider him. Mainly because friends have similar values and you would likely believe that birds of a feather flock together. If he was smart he might have figured that you might not like the color of their feathers.

    Girl I would find a way to have fun with this. hehe 🙂
    I have in the past and the guy kept trying without success for years.

    I have also experienced it vice versa where a guy tried with my friend then tried with me. Another tried with my sister, then tried with me.



  103.  #103Lori on January 6, 2013 at 9:47 am

    hey girls, I’m feeling mentally and emotionally ready for our talk in a couple of days. We are meeting with friends of mine prior, one of which is now an acquaintance because of me. Business. This is kind of a superficial level but I’m trying to figure out what to wear. It’s not a business meeting, even though I know it will be discussed. There will be him, and two other men, both friends of mine. I’m trying to decide between jeans, boots and a nice blouse or putting on a skirt. I’m thinking a skirt as I would like the difference between our genders to be pronounced. Any thoughts?



  104.  #104Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 9:49 am

    this guy was hitting on me at Curly’s surprise party –

    hehe 🙂 you are magnetic and he is enthralled by the magnetism and attraction. Poor chap



  105.  #105Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Lori go with how you feel on that day.



  106.  #106Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 9:51 am

    RE 97 find a way to put yourself on a pedestal

    With them two or three steps below you



  107.  #107Lori on January 6, 2013 at 9:52 am

    I’m feeling pretty positive about our talk. My thought is that if he was done, there would be no need to talk. He also said he would call me tomorrow and so far, if he says he will call, he does. I’m practicing working keeping my tone light. I’m a professional and I tend to get that tone when I’m on the phone.



  108.  #108Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 9:54 am

    I love to think people only talk about me because I am important.

    Yeah I know. I am conceited. 🙂 And I just love me 🙂

    Let them eat their heart out



  109.  #109Tam on January 6, 2013 at 9:54 am

    Ok FW, loving your posts…and besides, I have a tendency to make everything dramatic when there is no need. The guy poofed and I can do what the heck I want, whether he sees me or not – why should I care? If he wanted me he could have made contact and communicated.
    I feel much better now.
    Thank you!



  110.  #110Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Lori – I would let relax relax relax be my mantra for that meeting. Don’t overthink. Try to enjoy. Let go of expectations.



  111.  #111MovingMagic on January 6, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Tam, he’s a salsa dancer?!?! Ohhh girl, get some dancing in, if nothing else. Yummm. Maybe the universe is telling you to have some fun with all this. 😉



  112.  #112Tereana on January 6, 2013 at 10:02 am

    Okay, so a couple of things that were just on my mind:

    1.) FMs definitely do not work on everyone! I mean, they are “magic” in that they can and do work on the right people. But only *some* people are set up in a way to really hear them. Some people can’t. And with those people who can’t hear or respond to feeling messages, you can FM them ’till you’re blue in the face, and you’re just not going to get anywhere. Better to test it out – see if feeling messages can “land” on the person. And if they can’t, then save them for someone who can hear them. Kind of like “pearls before swine.” If you know someone can’t deal with your feelings – don’t keep exposing them to that other person. You’ll only feel trampled. I of course know this from lots of experience…

    AND from the experience the other way around. The other day, I was talking to a man in feeling messages. And I didn’t even realize I was doing it – I mean, I guess I did. But it just felt more natural to speak that way. But I didn’t know what was going to happen when I said it. And in the end, it felt so good, because he really responded positively. He could really HEAR my FMs and he UNDERSTOOD them. And that was a new experience. He even praised me for the way that I was speaking. And that felt good. I feel like praising him, too, because I know so well how some people just don’t have an emotional vocabulary. So it was good to have that experience.

    2.) I just had a crazy “AHA” moment about money – and specifically about saving money.

    I was looking at a jar, on which I’d taped a label about saving for a specific goal – with the idea that it would motivate me to put money in the jar. And it worked, a little bit.

    But just today, I looked at the jar, and realized that I felt Incredibly stressed out, just seeing the word “save” related to money. In fact, thinking about it, I can feel my whole body tensing up and resisting. And I realized that I have a fear about saving money. And the fear is that if I save it, I will lose it. And also, I have a belief, that saving money is “hard.” That it is somehow difficult to keep money in my (or anyone’s) possession, and that this will always be a struggle – that as often as I “save” money, I will spend it. And of course, this has been my reality.

    I see how this (a lot of it) stems from my father, and his beliefs and behaviors about money. I think he transferred them to me by talking about money incessantly in this way – that it was stressful, that it was a struggle. The “feast or famine” reality that happened in our family. If there was money one time, we acted as if we had a lot, and we would celebrate. And the next thing we knew, it was gone, and we couldn’t even afford to buy basic things, or our cable or electric were being shut off, or my parents would worry and stress about paying the mortgage – or all of those things.

    So when I try to “save” it feels impossible. I feel defeated before I even start. I try. And I give myself props for saving even a little. But before I know it, it’s gone. Or I save it for a while. But eventually I need it for a basic necessity – which means I don’t have it for the thing I was saving it for. And then I’m down to my last dollars and it’s famine again, instead of feast.

    I’m committed to changing this pattern. I’m committed to changing this belief around money that “saving is hard.” I want to throw out that belief entirely – and in fact, not make it about saving at all, since that is the trigger for me. I want to make it about COMMITMENT. I am COMMITTED to abundance. I am COMMITTED to acceptance. I am committed to having a better relationship with money, and a better relationship to myself. I am committed to RELAXING about money, and not always worrying that there will never be enough. I am committed to knowing that there is Abundance, and there is ALWAYS enough. And I am committed to believing that I am a creative, resourceful person, who will always find a way, and that abundance and wealth and vitality are my birthright. It’s not something that my parents can give to me or take away. It is simply something that I can CHOOSE for myself, and I can choose to believe that I am worthy of it, and I deserve it. Simply because I am.



  113.  #113Lori on January 6, 2013 at 10:11 am

    Hi FW, I really don’t have any expectations. I wanted an opportunity to express how I felt and feel since I didn’t the other day. He’s a good man. I truly don’t believe it’s me as he said. He’s in a really bad place and feels awful. I understand to an extent as I’ve been there.



  114.  #114Luzydel on January 6, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Ever wonder about what he’s doing
    How it all turned to lies
    Sometimes I think that it’s better
    to never ask why

    Where there is desire
    There is gonna be a flame
    Where there is a flame
    Someone’s bound to get burned
    But just because it burns
    Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
    You’ve gotta get up and try try try
    Gotta get up and try try try
    You gotta get up and try try try

    Eh, eh, eh

    Funny how the heart can be deceiving
    More than just a couple times
    Why do we fall in love so easy
    Even when it’s not right

    Where there is desire
    There is gonna be a flame
    Where there is a flame
    Someone’s bound to get burned
    But just because it burns
    Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
    You’ve gotta get up and try try try
    Gotta get up and try try try
    You gotta get up and try try try

    Ever worried that it might be ruined
    And does it make you wanna cry?
    When you’re out there doing what you’re doing
    Are you just getting by?
    Tell me are you just getting by by by

    Where there is desire
    There is gonna be a flame
    Where there is a flame
    Someone’s bound to get burned
    But just because it burns
    Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
    You’ve gotta get up and try try try
    Gotta get up and try try try
    You gotta get up and try try try
    Gotta get up and try try try
    Gotta get up and try try try
    You gotta get up and try try try
    Gotta get up and try try try

    You gotta get up and try try try
    Gotta get up and try try try

    PINK – TRY LYRICS



  115.  #115Mercedes on January 6, 2013 at 10:45 am

    I’m not from Brazil but I really, really want to go. I used to do a lot of charity work for an organization there but it no longer exists. J has been there many, many times and used to own a couple of houses there. He’s dying to go back and I’m dying to go so…we will make that happen! I don’t speak Portuguese but have the Rosetta Stone for it (present from J for Christmas). I really need to start using it again…especially since we’re going to visit! I cook a lot of Brazilian meals for us (YUMMY!) and also absolutely LOVE the culture. A large part of J’s heart wants to retire there so maybe someday it will be my home. 🙂

    Indigo! Thank you so much for spending time on my blog! I love hearting that! Sometimes when blogging it feels like typing into a black hole so I absolutely shine when I know others are getting value from it! YAY!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  116.  #116Tereslyn on January 6, 2013 at 10:51 am

    Hey, boy am I down today. I haven’t heard a word from long distant guy in a week and I finally called n left message today …. Wrong move. So now I’m beating myself up about it. I feel sad and unloved and like I’ll never get over him … Ever. I’m dating other men, but cannot get him outta my head. I’m lonely and I miss his calls. He will call back eventually and now I don’t know what to say. I wanna tell him how I feel but not look needy … Help!!! Or perhaps I should not talk to him at all like not answer the phone, idk I’m so confused and sad n emotional right now and I don’t wanna screw up, that is if there is anything to screw up.



  117.  #117Tereana on January 6, 2013 at 10:57 am

    Lol – Tam, I’m glad you liked what FW had to say. To me, it sounded spunky, but a bit critical. I just wanted to affirm how you were feeling! No need to beat yourself up about any of it. But taking responsibility – heck yeah! ; )



  118.  #118Mercedes on January 6, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Tereana! OMGosh! Something really cool just happened. This morning, I was reading Andy Dooley’s book “iManifest” and it was talking about just focusing on the positive outcome of what you want and letting the universe lead you to the right people at the right time, etc. I happen to have extra time on my hands today and I read your comment about money above (what I desire is going to take money) and it soooooo hit home with me. It is exactly my story about how I grew up and my belief that saving money is hard. I love the way you flipped that around and I’m going to post it somewhere (in my home, office, meditation journal…all of the above) so I can focus on re-framing my beliefs about money. I will have this dream of mine and I won’t worry about where the money will come from. I will focus on how the end result will feel and I will let the universe do the hard part (ie worrying about the money). From there, it will come.

    Anyway, thank you for being here. I believe this is a PERFECT example of the universe leading me to the right person at the right time. 🙂 I appreciate you so much!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  119.  #119Daria on January 6, 2013 at 11:46 am

    ive been feeling a bit worried about soemthing, is this a good time to talk?

    lately ive noticed myself feeling uncomfortable and even noticed myself going passive agressive a bit and i want to apologize for that. i dont want to ignore you or stone face your enthusiasm which i noticed myself doing

    and the truth is, im a really prissy and sometimes insecure girl and im very into *roles* in the relationship

    i feel good being the feminine expressive ooh aahhh feeling role, and my guy to be the in charge, decision making thinking role

    and i feel so good with you with that because you’re so there for me and consistent with seeing me and doing what you say, being on time and treating me well… it really feels good and solid

    and what i feel concerned about is i don’t feel good in our actual in person conversations sometimes

    i dont feel good on a date when a guy interrupts our conversation to get into himself and pay attention to a body feeling

    or goes into a reverie, how good his body feels, or complaining about how he feels, or talks about a lot of his feelings that are not about ME

    i actually feel icky when that happens, i feel it…and i notice myself shut down … i feel guilty for feeling that way!

    and the truth is i feel kinda not paid attention to at those moments

    and mad and competitive like, “Hey I’m the girl here”

    it feels so uncomfortable to talk about this , and i noticed myself growing resentful … it feels so much better to get it out in the open…

    what do you think we can do to fix this?



  120.  #120Ulii on January 6, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    @ Daria 117

    “i dont feel good on a date when a guy interrupts our conversation to get into himself and pay attention to a body feeling

    or goes into a reverie, how good his body feels, or complaining about how he feels, or talks about a lot of his feelings that are not about ME

    i actually feel icky when that happens, i feel it…and i notice myself shut down … i feel guilty for feeling that way!

    and the truth is i feel kinda not paid attention to at those moments

    and mad and competitive like, “Hey I’m the girl here” ”

    Hey…I really find myself in similar situations sometimes and this is exactly how I feel and what I´d like to say. And how you are saying sounds perfect for dealing with this. But I have been too afraid to state that I guess.
    Then there´s such a difference where you have a man you don´t have to compete with who´s got to be the girl in the relationship (or dating scenario), and he takes the masculine role just like that, easily, without me having to make any effort.



  121.  #121Memulo on January 6, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    It feels quite pathetic, given that the guy is happily living his life, never tried to contact me in 3 or so months and probably is glad about his so easy escape. what am I thinking not letting others into my heart????



  122.  #122Daria on January 6, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    I rember before I thought ….

    Men wdnt want to kiss my feet and me theirs

    Before I thought a period meant no sex or that guys wd find it icky or that they went go down on me

    Before I thought a guy going down on me was an obligation for me to do sonething

    I feel trepidation

    I remember before I

    Before I believed those

    Before I thought men cd see me as a prostitute

    I want to heal all the wounds around these beliefs I picked up



  123.  #123Daria on January 6, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Ulii – I feel terrified to talk with him !

    I’m Practicibg here…

    I feel guilty asking someone to change the way they express themselves

    — noticing I’m not asking him to

    I’m only sharing how I feel and asking him what he thinks we can do

    I feel guilty for feeling judgemental in those moments

    Under that I feel abandoned unimportant and not paid attention to

    I feel guilty for wanting ‘all the attention’

    I feel worried its not healthy or possible and I will be told to ‘learn to love it’

    And I don’t and this is

    My fear of ‘stable’ men in general

    When they have daughters for example they’re stable as far as punctuality but can be feminine acting in convo

    Actually not all w daughters but maybe the ones who care take?

    Actually not then either

    Well I don’t feel good during those times and I feel guilty about that

    I feel guilty about judging and not feeling good and feeling less than around another being expressing themselves and feeling pleasure

    He’s likely just unwinding from his day –
    He comes from work

    I feel guilty!

    And… It feels like a huge turn off!

    I love my guilt

    I live my turn off

    I don’t feel open and cared for and comfy at those times

    (((((((Daria)))))))

    I’m still feeling scared triggered n confused

    U should just ‘give him a chance’ !

    But I did and now look! All those land characteristics I didn’t like – the girl talk etc

    Are blocking me!

    And yes he’s stable, adores me, is there for me….

    But when we’re together I feel icky turned off when these conversations happen.

    Over 50% of the time.

    80% this,

    20% really complimenting me and saying wonderful things
    about me, feelings for me, future, and romance

    That’s what It feels like to me

    And I feel guilty for being ‘ungreatful’

    Since the things he does say are so wonderful



  124.  #124Daria on January 6, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    I’m gona trust that expressing my feelings on how I feel is diff than saying

    ‘don’t do that’ and controlling

    It seems like nitpicking… Seems the same as the control…

    Because its a deal breaker for me

    I can’t handle this And let it pile up And feel guilt

    And this is sonething I often feel guilt for, comes up often for me, and is one if my fears

    Thank you Daria

    I’m healing and learning



  125.  #125kdr on January 6, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    #121 Daria,

    This would feel horrible to me, too. Do you think he’s “mirroring” you in an attempt to draw you to him? Ugh. I would probably try to start a conversation about how I love the differences between men and women and how a man’s “manliness” makes me feel more womanly. Might not be the best way to talk to him about that, though.



  126.  #126Memulo on January 6, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    Daria did you say you feel terrified to talk go a guy? Sorry didn’t read your whole post on my phone. Who is he exactly so you feel this way?? Is he worth more than other ppl;)



  127.  #127Rebecca on January 6, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Daria

    I so relate to your dilema.

    My male friend is pretty similar.

    I feel in some way he (mine that is) is looking for attention that he doesn’t feel he’s getting.

    It’s weird – if I go cool on him, and don’t sound/act as enthusiastic as normal – then he always seens to go “cool” on me. This always seemsto tie in with him being ill or being down. It’s weird – I feel it is looking for attention and I feel bad feeling thay way.

    Yesterday on the phone he said be was going to call me and come over. I said “yeah, cool” but not much else. Surprise, surprise I have not heard from him all day.

    I’m sure the next time I speak to him he’ll tell me he was ill, or that he thought I didn’t want him to come over. I feel really angry that he’s messed me around – said he wasn’t going to come over and hasn’t becauae I wasn’t perky enough. Talk about being controlling!!

    I feel like he is waiting for me to call him. I’m not gonna.



  128.  #128Daria on January 6, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    I wonder if I feel more triggered that he’s really good at the feminine energy stuff…

    Really gets into it no fm’s poetically and moans and takes time to feel it

    It kinda draws in ones attention.

    Perhaps …….. This is a mirror of me and masculine energy

    I Love getting in masculine energy w men, or I feel compelled to and very comfortable to

    ESP if he’s a very masculine man I Do Want him to see n recognize also my masculine prowess

    Maybe they’re Equally turned off but don’t know how to tell me !!!!!!!

    Especially when I’m particularly good at the masc energy …

    Ie those moments web I feel I’m particularly good at it, wen they look surprised at me recognizing my – wat I was thinking ‘coolness’

    Those moments web I say sonething particularly hardcore masculine , and everyone Has to acknowledge it…

    They actually feel competitive and turned off ! while they do grudgingly acknowledge my awesome

    Meanwhile I’m here and wen Nanny Cd is particularly hitting the fem energy and feeling himself… I’m feeling competitive and turned off

    And grudgingly acknowledge he’s good at fem energy

    wow!

    Maybe I can step it up and ‘steal’ the role. Moan twice as long and loud wen he starts

    Outgirl him without judgement

    And…… Communicate that’s part of being a girl

    My feelings I’ve been stuffing/ hiding

    Of Ew ick… Wen my guy makes those kinda sounds and… Ouch heart

    Web my guy goes into fem energy. (that’s wat it is)

    I feel turned off wen my guy goes into fem energy.

    So u expect a man to be in masculine energy all the time?

    W me yes, I feel good web a man is in masculine energy w me to feel romantic (in a romantic connection)

    ……

    Hmmmmmm

    W Scorpio CD, I think His fem energy triggered me to lean in interrestrd and feel urges too aww so cute baby him, not compete

    I wonder what this is about.

    ******

    Just like nanny cd probably does that to feel close to me, build rapport, etc

    I get at Least once in masc energy w men I like n respect

    Or w all men but

    I want them to Know I’m tight.

    I want them to trust me cuz I’m like them!

    I think they will like me more if they know I’m a little soldier too.

    I think they will like me more if they see how awesome I can be at being masculine –

    Or at Least ‘hood’

    Or ‘hard

    I even imagine them will find it powerfully attractive , cux they’re used to Nd comforted by it?

    Aren’t they

    Don’t they ?

    Web girls say commanding stuff like :

    Gimme dat dick

    Fuchk me

    Come here

    Naw nigga

    I thought guys like these?

    It gives me a thrill to say em

    Do they ?

    Or don’t they?

    Maybe it’s for me… I feel electrified in place pusdy wet and alert… Ie very aroused

    Hmmmm

    Maybe the women say it to get themselves aroused…

    Good point

    I still feel lost

    I feel despairing

    I feel rushed

    Head snap back

    Sooooooooooooooooo

    Maybe they don’t experience then the same

    They might experience it well if it doesn’t trigger them and thru get to experience Yhe Womans turn on

    Or if it triggers them as masc energy and gets them competing (ie ESP if their masc energy is less than that )

    Then it turns them off/. Pushes them away

    ******

    Makes sense why neighbor cd who’s not very masc gets triggered wen I bark orders at him

    Men w more masc, they just think I’m ‘cute’ wen I do that

    Probably how I think Scorpio CDs ‘cute’ wen he does his Fem energy thing…. I feel like a powerful graceful wise mother woman looking at a cute lil boy

    But w Nanny CD he’s so good at the fem energy he’s eclipsing mine and I no longer feel like the overall fem energy in those moments…

    I feel unsexy and resentful

    My ear tight w anger

    I think angry

    I think if people were to see this they wd think he’s gay and judge me for being w a dork

    And I feel pist

    I love my anger

    It’s like Steve Urkel

    Seriously

    I can deal w that but I feel soooooooooo

    Annoyed

    One on one

    Web hd goes into fem energy

    I feel icky

    I feel …

    Ok so it’s like he’s better tha Me at it…

    And I’m like dude I’m the girl

    Obviously people don’t feel the same abf it cuz he’s doing it… So he doesn’t get my feeling

    Same w men

    I feel so cool web I show a cool man my masc steer knowledge/ spirit wisdom /

    And he may be impressed at the same time turned off privately emotionally romantically

    Icky!!!!!!

    I do not want that !

    So how come I just don’t feel Real wen I do t show off mu masculine side to a man at least occasionally.

    ??????

    I feel like he misses an important part of me..,

    Hmmm

    I want to heal this

    Or maybe it’s just those subjects I admire men in and want him to be awesome?

    No I want him to acknowledge how awesome I am

    What if I do this by showing my masculine energy… But not towards Him

    Hmmmmmm

    That might feel cool 🙂

    And the same w Banny Cd he cd do it thru song, and I Like that!

    I don’t like it if it interrupts our convo….

    But I like it!

    I Dobt like if on a date directed towards me … On our together time a guy taking 20 min to moan and relax and get into himself n his feelings .



  129.  #129Sassy on January 6, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    Something to tell yourself in the money manifest belief:

    “I have all of the money I will ever need”.



  130.  #130Daria on January 6, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    Memulo – yes he’s been seeing me practically everyday since before thanksgiving

    He’s rely stable, forever talks, wants to Marry me and says it often , wants me to move in wen he gets his new apt next month, asked me to be his gf (got the no gf speech)

    I’m starting to like him a bit for being so there for me and gentlemanly

    And coming to see me everynite

    ——- there’s plenty of triggers and growth, even red flags… Babysteps



  131.  #131Daria on January 6, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    Thank you kdr – actually yeah thank you I feel solid reading your post. I do want to approach it as a ‘I love the diff btwn masc men n fem woman’ thing

    I crunched my speech to:

    ‘I feel turned off when a man goes into feminine energy’



  132.  #132Daria on January 6, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Oops I notice I created a paradigm that

    We make efforts to be in Masc/ fem w each other,

    But we need to ‘rest’… Men in fem , women in masc, too.

    So who I am to deny it?

    But I don’t hand to be there.

    Better yet, I don’t have to have it towards me in a romantic time.

    My boy time is also not towards him.

    I Do use my masc energy… Just not towards my man

    His fem energy can be inspired by me to sing love songs.

    Ok I can handle this.

    I can handle this convo.

    This is a big one for me.

    This is the reason I always kept male best friends best friends.

    I didn’t feel comfortable or understand when and what triggered my turn off.



  133.  #133Daria on January 6, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    I Did after all talk about us not kissing… And now both of us are getting more confortabld it seems a the peks 🙂



  134.  #134Daria on January 6, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    Rebecca – I totally get that. Many guys are like that w their friends it feels annoying and then well they’re like that to me too.

    It’s actually biding for guys to stand each other up. They than call each other to talk shot about it and bond some more.

    ‘you bitcx y u not comin’

    ‘fuchk u jerkoff I’m w yo mama

    ‘whatever u bitcx we had hella bitcxes’

    ‘aww hell naw y u didn’t tell me’

    ‘ I called u u mark’

    ‘yah but u sounded hella dry’

    They don’t trip off stuff like that. Web we get friends w guys, we women kinda get used to feeling bad and overlooking it… And that doesn’t work if we do it in romance



  135.  #135Daria on January 6, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    Remember if I’m judging him I’m judging me… So this is not about judging



  136.  #136Memulo on January 6, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Daria so what is it that’s nit working for you?



  137.  #137Memulo on January 6, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    I mean the guy sounds really good but I’m not sensing you as being in love?



  138.  #138Daria on January 6, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    I feel good in a big soldier lil soldier dynamic, where I get praised for my soldierly pursuits 🙂 … While also receiving love and attention and giggles and girlyness.

    And I’m also a behind the scenes beautiful goddess queen of sheba who is worshipped by her grimy big soldier. (that’s the part he likes . At least that’s what I think in my patterns)

    (I wana be a better G an I think you’re good and want to learn from you. And not feel worried that I’m gona threaten you in some way. )

    And I’m also a star accompanied by her date/bodyguard/male consort/nobleman/gentleman/care taker/co star/ man in charge

    🙂

    Wow this IS what I want . I feel so stirred. I want to explore this more and it feels so vague and out of reach and delicious yet fading



  139.  #139Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I haven’t been on the blog for a while, although I check in to Siren Island sometimes.

    Things have been going great…. relationship great, my life great, getting myself out of debt – going well and work in progress…

    And when my boyfriend asked me to be exclusive with him last year in the summer, I put it off, and put it off and put it off. I was still CD-ing.

    But he did EVERYTHING right and it felt really good.

    He stopped drinking alcohol (as he had some alcohol issues when I met him) and we were building a happy, connected, healthy relationship together.

    He knew from the beginning that I didn’t want ‘longterm boyfriend’, I want the whole thing. Marriage etc.

    At the end of the summer he made it clear that he wanted to marry me, and we both felt it was too early to agree to that, as he only just overcame the alcohol issues, plus he didn’t have the spare money for a ring. And he made it very clear that was his intention. He didn’t want me to see other men and he asked me to move in.

    I agreed, on the understanding that if all went well there would be a ring by Xmas.

    He said yes and we agreed that was a plan. As the man he was going to take care of the details.

    I felt some anxiety, having to let go, not knowing if, or when or how it would happen, and that was hard, and I trust him, he has proved himself and always followed through on his promises this last year (how long we have been seeing each other).

    I moved in to his place, as I had been staying with my parents due to debts, however I left the door open at my parents, just in case I needed to go back.

    He has basically kept me for the past several month, taking care of all the bills whilst I got myself on my feet and tackled my debts. He has been a sweetheart and very understanding of my financial difficulties, ad we have been very happy. Money has been tight, and that has been because I have not been able to contribute.

    Anyway Christmas came and went and no proposal.

    I thought I would give him till NYE as that was our 1 year Anniversary, but when NYE came it became clear it wasn’t going to happen. To celebrate our Anniversary he arranged to take me away this weekend just gone, so I thought ‘It’s going to be then’ but still nothing.

    So yesterday night I brought it up with him.

    I used my feeling messages and don’t wants.

    It was awkward/uncomfortable and he said he DOES want to marry me and he just wants it to be right. He said where money has been tight he hasn’t been able to afford the ring he wanted to get. He said he has wanted to ask me on many occasions and just felt that the situation was too plain and average and he wants it to be special as it is something he will only ask once in his life.

    I said I understood and I still felt bad.

    We came back home and on the way home he bought me a new laptop, which made it feel all the worse when I told him I was going to my Mum’s.

    I feel very conflicted.

    I am just at my Mum’s now taking some space.



  140.  #140Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    More –

    I feel so conflicted because on the one hand I KNOW he loves me and I think he wants to marry me.

    And on the other hand I feel annoyed that we had an agreement and it didn’t happen.

    I feel tricked.

    I DON’T think the time has been wasted, it doesn’t feel like that at all to me, however I do feel annoyed that I agreed to exclusivity, and then he wasn’t able to keep his end of the bargain.

    I feel really mad that he didn’t see the need to tell me that the agreed timings were changed.

    I feel worried about being with a man who might have this procrastinating approach.



  141.  #141Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Wow!!! Dancing Siren



  142.  #142Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Even more –

    I mainly feel confused.

    I think I am being rigid, but, I want to respect my own deadline, and my own promise to myself.

    I want to be flexible and in the flow, however a year feels like a long time to me, and until there is a ring it just doesn’t feel real to me.

    I just kinda thing that if a guy REALLY wants to marry a gal, he will FIND a way.

    No excuses.



  143.  #143Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    When we were talking I told him I appreciate that he wants to make it right, and I don’t really care about grand gestures and expensive rings, I care more about just being happy and committed together. That it didn’t matter to me too much how he asks me.

    I DO feel a sense of urgency, IF I stay in exactly that situation, living together and feeling as though I am ‘waiting’ even though I have a lot else going on.

    When I left this evening he asked why I was going.

    And I said cus it felt bad for me to stay in that situation.

    He asked me what it meant and I said I don’t know.

    He was incredulous that I was going to stay at my Mum’s even though he had explained the logical reasons that he has not asked me.

    He said he loves me and I said I love you too.



  144.  #144Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    he wants it to be special – This is so typically masculine.



  145.  #145Sassy on January 6, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Dancing Siren,

    Is it possible he got too “comfortable” with you living with him
    and that he doesn’t need to make the extra effort?
    This isn’t a judgement about living together, just a question.



  146.  #146Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    And he has been so generous, paying for pretty much everything, and I know he doesn’t mind.

    And I do feel a bit bad.

    However paying for stuff doesn’t take away from that fact that we had agreed a ring by Xmas.

    And I don’t know if I am getting too hung on having a ring… he is a good man.

    And he was in his last relationship for 7 years!!!!! With no marriage or engagement, so I feel really afraid of time just drifting on…



  147.  #147Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    Sassy,

    Yes, that is what I think/feel too.



  148.  #148Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    Sassy that kinda struck me as blocking abundance from flowing in, for some reason. What I use as part of my meditation is “success and prosperity flows toward me in a river of abundance”. Abundance is all around me. I am a money magnet. I am blessed and rich beyond my wildest dreams.

    To name a few. I play around with words to see what resonates with me.



  149.  #149Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    Dancing Siren did you ever get Reconnect Your Relationship? I am pretty sure in there Rori discourages women from moving in with men.



  150.  #150Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    Hello Feminine Woman,

    It has been a long time!



  151.  #151Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    FW yes I have got it.

    I said no several times over time before I agreed.

    And I thought that the marriage was agreed (as in marriage on the table) so I decided to say yes.

    I knew it was a risk, and I thought that the odds were high he would follow through.



  152.  #152Smile on January 6, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    Hi dancing siren!

    I just read this in my email before I came on the blog and thought it might be helpful to you. The email was’tirwd of waiting for him to commit, you have a lot more options than being patient and giving him time’

    A. Dear Jennie,

    You don’t say whether you are living together, or if marriage has ever come up. So I’ll answer this in general terms.

    Relationships move forward. They move along down the road – from dating to exclusivity, to engagement, to marriage. If they don’t move forward, they stall.

    At seven years, you are stalled. My guess is, he doesn’t want to lose you. But the question I have for you is – if he can’t or won’t commit, will you leave?

    Before you can speak from your heart at all, before you can even talk about commitment with him, you have to at least be able to talk to yourself about it.

    You don’t have to leave, but you have to BE ABLE TO. And then, you have not just one choice, or two – but you have many, many choices. All of a sudden, you can MAKE choices. You’ll stop feeling helpless and desperate and angry, and start feeling powerful. Which you are. Very powerful.

    The Vibe That Brings Him Closer – Forever

    This is what my friend who stayed with her man 5 years before he proposed was able to do. She was able to be with him, and still stay open to other men and the things that were important to her. Things that had nothing to do with men.

    She felt so comfortable with herself and her life that, even though she loved him and he KNEW she loved him, she never gave off that feeling of desperation.

    He just, finally, realized he wanted to love a woman and be loved by a woman, and he finally realized that it was her. He always knew it was her – he just needed to take his time.

    She never got angry. She never got suspicious or distrustful. Because she knew she was making the choice to be with him.

    And when she felt too intensely, or sad, or upset, she stepped back enough to get her bearings and see if she wanted to choose to be with him even one more day.

    You can do it, too. Even if you’ve felt, or you’re feeling now, helpless because you love him, you can do this. We’re talking here about the Rori Raye Third Way – and how you can stay in a relationship as long as you’re able to leave!

    How Do You Know When To Leave Or Stay?

    The answer to that is in your feelings.

    It’s about what you want and how what he’s offering fits into what you want. It’s about making a choice to be at the mercy of one man, or to have your choice of men.

    It’s about making a choice to put your life on hold and “wait” for him as long as he wants you to, or to take your life in your own hands and “date” him for as long as YOU want.

    Because, one thing’s for sure: When you’re “waiting,” the choice you’re making is to NOT make a choice. Your choice is to give up your choices.

    When you “wait,” you’re letting HIM choose how YOUR life goes. You’re putting your life in HIS hands. You’re saying you have no options but to wait.

    And it’s not his fault:

    He’s not doing anything wrong, he’s just doing what he feels like doing
    He isn’t thinking about your future, or what’s good for you
    He figures that you, just like him, are where you are because that’s where you want to be
    He figures that if you’re waiting around for him, you’re doing it because that’s all you have going
    I used to blame my “boyfriend” for “leading me on.” But it wasn’t his fault.

    He might have been taking advantage of my “waiting,” but, he didn’t even see it as taking advantage. He just saw me doing what I wanted to do, just like he was. He wasn’t about to take responsibility for my feelings.

    “After all,” he thought, “she’s a grown-up.”

    And after all, he wasn’t out-and-out lying to me. He thought I was waiting because I wanted to wait. But that wasn’t what it felt like to me. To me, I never saw that I had a choice.

    Have You Ever Felt That?

    Like you’re at the mercy of your feelings for him, and then at the mercy of your feelings of helplessness and anger?

    And it just doesn’t have to be that way. Just looking at a man’s point of view – doesn’t it make you want to scream at him – “Can’t you see I’m sick of waiting for you?”

    Even though we know he’d just stare at us, puzzled. “What?” he’d say. “I told you I wasn’t ready – this was YOUR decision,” he’d say.

    And all we can do is stare back. We know he’s right. And we hate him for it. And we still don’t know what to do.

    “Give him time,” is what everybody says to us. Friends, family.

    And some say “Dump him right now.” And it sounds like good advice, but how do we just… leave? After all the time we’ve invested?

    What Happens When We Get All Wrapped Up In Him

    The weird thing is, sometimes we get totally invested right off. Even after just a date or two.

    Ever happen to you? Where you know instantly that “he’s” the one? And then we just hang on, convinced that we can convince him to know it, too?

    The thing is, men often DO know when they’ve met their “one.” (Even though it’s often hard for us to tell by the way they act and talk, and sometimes it scares us off just to think it might be true.)

    And that’s just one more reason why “waiting” is such a bad idea. If we just hang around, waiting when a man is stalled – he just loses interest in us, bit by bit, day by day.

    How can that be?

    It’s so unfair, because we’re TAUGHT to be patient. We’re taught to be understanding. We’re taught to know that men need “time” and “space.”

    When, really, giving a man “time” and “space” while we “wait patiently” for him is like shoving him out the door. It’s like putting a sign around our neck that says: “I’m waiting for YOU.”

    We close down our hearts to all other men. We spend our time thinking about HIM. We WAIT.

    The Problem With Waiting

    The problem with waiting is not what it does to him – though it affects him about as negatively as anything we can possibly do.

    The problem is what it does to US. Waiting says to the world: My life is on hold for this man. It says to the world: I don’t think much of myself, I have nothing worthwhile to do, there are no men who are interested in me besides this one, so I’m waiting for HIM.

    And what that looks like to the world, and to HIM, is a lack of self-esteem. It looks like insecurity and neediness.

    So – how do you wait a reasonable length of time for a man to make up his mind about you without looking like you’re waiting?

    The simple answer is: You don’t wait. Not ever. If you’d like to hear my voice helping you round-the-clock to turn your love life around, helping you lift your self-esteem so that you can give a man whatever time he needs without “waiting” for him, listen to my Heart Connection Toolkit:

    Get The Tools
    Okay – is it shocking to you, this idea of never waiting for a man? Does it seem impossible? Does it seem hard to figure out?

    When you’re first trying anything, it feels a bit strange. Changing anything about the way you think or speak will feel strange at first. But, it’s not hard.

    And once you try it, you’ll feel so much stronger and you’ll get such stunning results with the man you want, it’ll feel easier than anything you’ve ever done before.

    So, if you aren’t waiting…

    How do you stay with the relationship in case it actually does go somewhere?

    There’s a way to do it. There’s a way to let a man know you’re looking for a commitment and still give him time to commit, without waiting.

    Sounds impossible, doesn’t it? But it’s not. Because waiting isn’t about time, it’s about what you DO with that time.

    “Waiting” is putting your life on hold. But, letting a man take as much time as he wants to make a decision about what he wants in the relationship doesn’t have to be about putting your life on hold!

    So, How Do You Wait Without Waiting?

    How do you handle it when a man really does need more “time”? First – here are some things to NOT do:

    Don’t PRETEND you’re busy, unavailable or that you don’t care. Pretending will work completely the OPPOSITE of how you want it to work.

    Instead, you have to BE busy and unavailable. And you have to CARE. And the person you have to care about most is YOU. This means, you care how you live your life. You care if you have fun or not.

    You care if dates get broken, if he doesn’t get to you in time for a weekend date, or takes you for granted.

    And you care that if you open your heart to him, he treats it very, very well.

    To do this, use my Tools:

    Date other men, or at least Date Yourself
    Touch objects and really sense what you’re feeling – this helps you connect with your feminine energy, which is very attractive to a man
    Make up some rules and boundaries for yourself, and learn to speak to him from your heart
    Practice saying to yourself what it is you want and don’t want: For instance, that you don’t want to be a “girlfriend” much longer, that because you desire to be married, you’d appreciate knowing what he sees ahead for you, and that you don’t want to close down all your options while he’s taking all the time he needs
    Basically, that you will never put your life on hold for any man, and that you are not a woman who “waits.”

    You are a woman who “lives.”



  153.  #153Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    Thank You Smile.



  154.  #154Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    I pretty much know what I have to do.

    I need to stay at my Mum’s for a bit, keep working on my own stuff, getting my financial situation straightened out takes priority right now, and just take super good care of myself.

    I need to have fun and at least date myself.

    I will remain open to him, and it might be better for me not to live with him anymore, unless he proposes with a ring.

    I was thinking maybe take it back to more of a ‘courting’ scenario.

    I just read another old Rori post to Nancy, who was in a similar position a few years ago, and she used this in her speech “I will be sexually exclusive with you but that is all”. I like that, and I can see myself using that.



  155.  #155Sassy on January 6, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    FW,

    I like those, and I’ve no doubt they will work for you.
    I look at the saying I gave as (what the Secret and LOA say to do) believing I’ve already received and knowing and feeling the feeling of never being in “need” of money.



  156.  #156Sassy on January 6, 2013 at 3:21 pm

    Dancing Siren,

    Is it just the requirement/desire to have the ring, or do you want a specific date set?
    Just feeling curious here, I’ve missed you!



  157.  #157Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    Dancing Siren that’s great to read. You know best and if I were you I would follow my intuition.



  158.  #158Dominique on January 6, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    Dancing Siren – I feel so happy for you how beautifully things have turned around with this man, and I feel dismay at the inflexibility, the not going with the flow and what is. One year is not a long time. It’s a very, very short time. And he’s only very newly sober.

    I understand your feelings of disappointment, and this is what happens when you hold onto expectations and an agenda.

    Can you try to relax around this? Can you try to be more in the moment, give this man and the relationship a chance?

    xxoo



  159.  #159Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    Sassy,

    I felt tearful when I read your post.

    It feels good to be missed 🙂

    Good question.

    I would like both.

    I do want a date, however I understand that the practicalities of that are a little more tricky, weddings take money.

    So I would feel fine with a ring for now.

    To me that symbolises an intention. It shows me and everyone he means it. It feels like a ‘real’ commitment.

    It sounds weird and that could tide me over for several months, until things are more settled, and then I would want a date.



  160.  #160Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    Dominique.

    I totally get what you mean. And I have feelings of dismay around my inflexibility too!

    And on the other hand I feel too disappointed and too ‘intense’ in the current situation as it is.

    I think I could relax, if we were not living together and I was out living my life a bit more.

    I know about not having expectations, however I don’t know how this is possible when I negotiated exclusivity on the agreement that marriage was on the table.

    I feel unsure what to do.

    I thought 1 year was a long time in Rori terms?



  161.  #161Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    I feel confused.

    I feel willing to be open to re-defining the relationship again, and to relax and go with the flow, but ultimately marriage IS what I want.

    And it makes it all feel too urgent with the living together and total exclusivity as though we were married.

    He said recently if there was ever any hint of ‘cheating’ that was it for him, and that includes texts and phone calls with other people! (We were talking about the subject of cheating at the time). I am not sure where that would leave things if I started to CD!

    Also, I HATE that his ex is still around, and I think wants to get back with him, and as I am living at his I have to see her every time she picks up and drops off the dog.

    I don’t want to be with anyone else, and I definitely don’t want to sleep with anyone else, but I need to find a way to take the pressure off and feel, as much for myself as anyone, that I am open to other options, that I am not tied in until I am married.



  162.  #162Dominique on January 6, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    I don’t know Dancing Siren how Rori truly thinks about this, for as you know she was with her husband longer than this before they married and so was I. Though she wanted marriage, and I felt ambivalence.

    One year is not a long time, especially with the extenuating circumstances.

    I understand you wanting to not be there right now, and this is not a negative, but I don’t want you to push a potentially wonderful thing away.

    I think you know all of this and have or are considering it.

    You’re feeling thrown a bit, yes? So you can reassess and renegotiate, first with yourself.

    xxoo



  163.  #163Francesca on January 6, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    Dancing Siren, one year is not a long time for a man.

    I totally agree with what Dominique said.

    And you’ve been struggling financially.

    A man’s pride can be crushed because of lack of money.

    Your man might feel like he can’t fill the shoes you’re asking him to wear now, but that doesn’t mean you can’t at least be more opened to his timeline.

    I keep thinking of Flowerchild and how she missed out on something special because she waited…



  164.  #164Dominique on January 6, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    And what’s wrong with being tied in and committed without the marriage…yet?

    I think the older you are, the longer it takes to REALLY get to know each other, who you really are under there, and you need the time to begin healing in each other’s presence.

    I see nothing wrong with living together, and in fact I encourage it. You will know soon enough if the man is becoming complacent. You will feel it

    xxoo



  165.  #165Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    Dominique,

    Thank You because those words feel soothing.

    No I don’t want to push away a potentially wonderful thing. And the circumstances ARE extreme and not standard.

    And I feel worried that he will take it as me pushing it/him away, which is actually NOT my intention.

    I see very well why it would be great to relax and go with the flow a bit more in this particular situation AND I STILL feel loads of fear around it never coming to fruition. The fact that he was with his ex for so long with no marriage actually puts the frighteners on me. AND also the fact that she is still very much around and will be for the foreseeable future. I just think that if we are not married, then there it is really no different from the imaginary relationship they had.

    These are the underlying issues for me. That I am negotiating.

    Yes gently negotiating with myself first feels good.

    And slowing myself down.

    And there is anxiety too around leaving it ‘bad’ with me having walked away.



  166.  #166Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    Hmmm,

    I did think that Rori discourages living together unless you have the commitment that you want.

    Also, I do think that he has become a little complacent. I could feel that.

    Not in a big way, and I have big fear around this so it is kind of hard to separate the normal everyday living together kind of ok-ish complacency with the ‘relationship on the rocks’ alarm bells type of complacency.



  167.  #167Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    Dominique re 162,

    Isn’t that the Girlfriend Trap?



  168.  #168Vi on January 6, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    Dancing Siren, my inner goddess thinks that You rock!



  169.  #169Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    Everything just feels so pressured and so tense right now.

    And actually it’s not even about the ring, or the wedding, although I do want those, it’s about the happily ever after.



  170.  #170Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    Vi,

    Thank You.

    xx



  171.  #171Dominique on January 6, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    Not necessarily Dancing Siren in re: 165. As you just said, every situation is different. I was with K for ten years before getting married, and was in anything but a girlfriend trap.

    I feel a release in you in these words – “These are the underlying issues for me. That I am negotiating.

    Yes gently negotiating with myself first feels good.

    And slowing myself down.”

    The rest is fear and being in your head too much.

    We can all become complacent at times, yet from all you say about how this man has been stepping up, this sounds so far from it.

    xxoo



  172.  #172Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    Thank You.

    Yes, I feel a lot of fear right now.

    And a lot of pressure.

    Feeling tearful now.

    I am going to go to bed in a minute.

    But just sitting here for now.

    I want to talk to him and it’s not the time yet. I need to step back and take care of myself for now.



  173.  #173Dancing Siren on January 6, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    Well I am typing on my new laptop and that feels super exciting!

    I set it up all on my own!

    And tomorrow I will install word so that I can do lots of writing.

    Bedtime for some sleep first though.

    It would be nice to see him tomorrow but I will see (we may be working together).



  174.  #174Tam on January 6, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    Tereana – thank you!!



  175.  #175Tam on January 6, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    Urgh. I have an urge to reach out to Curly and why?
    My friends are sabotaging me because they like him. Hallelujah. At last a guy they like. And I pushed him away. My friend’s husband said ‘well, for sure now he feels rejected and remember, the guy has never been married and had to deal with a lot of rejection because I gather he tried. Now you back-tracked, he thought you were an item and you put him back in his place, well I am not saying that you didn’t do what’s right for you, but if I was him I would also move on now most probably’.
    Eeek. The man’s perspective.
    Well, whatever.
    There were too many red flags and reaching out would probably just prolong the misery. Mind you, he did treat me very well and I felt like a queen when I was with him.
    I dunno.



  176.  #176Daria on January 6, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    If I was more fem, id be like, how cute, he’s stretching

    I’m like babe, mm I don’t feel paid attention to

    Well if I felt like big mama earth id be like how cute he’s stretching

    This is good . What it is abt dating guys to build attraction, it puts me in the position to speak abt the things that are blocking attraction for me.

    Then That feels so scary !

    Then wen that goes well it Builds connection n attraction !

    Wow!

    And I can then be practiced in FM for things I thought I had to be direct with too… Like

    Like if a guy I like is touching me wrong,

    I’d be like ‘touch me here’

    And feel ‘cool’ that in playing the script from a movie or wherever I heard that said

    Well

    ‘gimme that’
    Mite be a turn on,

    But wat about
    Instead of commands make my scripts poetic like

    ‘Mmm ur dick wd feel so good inside my juicy watermelon pussy’

    Ok why at the first time I thought of a script it sounded better…

    Ooh it wd feel so good to have your hand inside my panties

    I’m back in the zone!

    I’m getting it!

    Yes!

    Practicing w the ‘frogs’ gets me to own up to my own judgements of what makes them frogs…. In front of them !

    And share in feelings and them bam the big fear and un changeable now tranforms

    And I feel so safe and bonded to have gone thru that w someone

    Next time a guy I Do like… Maybe even this one, now… Is kissing me..,

    Or touching me just not in the right spot

    I’ll be like less ‘touch me to the left’

    And more ‘Mmm baby you’re so close to this spot I like it wd feel so good to have you touch there’

    Yay !

    Chz now I feel safe and like I deserve it to express myself

    And it’s not making guys wrong or ‘crushing their egos’

    Those things DO happen exactly when I Dont talk abg it and wind up doing so under pressure… then it comes out in frustrated side remarks that are either crushing or blaming, since that’s what I’m thinking they’ll come across as



  177.  #177Daria on January 6, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    Thank u blog



  178.  #178Daria on January 6, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    I just realized this feels like a redo of Highschool Boyfriend !!!!

    Where I dumped him and felt do guilty for dumping my best friend

    Wow thus feels just like that, this time instead of dumping I’m going to speak about it!!!!!!

    Wow I feel like I’m healing it!

    Yay I’m getting to redo it in a better way with this !



  179.  #179Femininewoman on January 6, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    Dancing Siren I just remembered Virginia Feingold-Clark. It’s Never Too Late to Marry. She wanted marriage and it seemed after several years she made it clear to him that she was ready to walk away.

    I took some of what he said about other men as a threat to you. It didn’t feel good to read to me.



  180.  #180Daria on January 6, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    Memulo – honestly for me and for many women (to me this wd include you) I don’t think a

    ‘I fell in love he fell in love’ scenario would workout

    This is because I know from my past patterns I’m attracted to toxic men. Men who are not able or willing to be the life partner I want.

    So when men are showing up for me , pursuing me consistently and demonstrating many relationship qualities…

    I work on building My attraction and ability to receive love.

    by opening up to him I learn to open up to other men like him who can do relationship.

    I’m likely not attracted to him/them now because of my fear of intimacy… So learning not to run away and instead speak things I’ve been in the past afraid to – about why I don’t feel turned on… For example

    Feels so exciting for me!

    I feel like I’m mining my own tunnel and I hear hollow on the other side… I’m bout to break thru into choosing men I can marry !



  181.  #181Tam on January 6, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    Wow Daria, that makes sense.



  182.  #182Daria on January 6, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    Dancing Siren I love the way you’re handling this. At first I was like whoa why’d she go to her moms house. (my masculine thinking)

    But then the more I read the more I just wanted to worship you and chase after you . (attraction)

    I feel email excited reading how umyoure handling this. You feel like a princess who inspires everyone to treat themselves with a higher level of integrity.



  183.  #183Daria on January 6, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    I am so glad how u staying at your moms now

    Interesting was how my first thought was – stuff your feelings, you said ok and said you understood n he explained it, so why are you still acting w Drama

    But what’s actually happening is totally rockin the boat and turning and transforming the entire situation on your favor in a way that honors everyone

    Omg it feels amazing



  184.  #184Daria on January 6, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    Men get complacent! Ong I’m seeing it!

    I constantly got to find ways to ‘use’ them bec they want to be Used!

    Yay!

    🙂

    This feels great

    Abd I can relax too and they’ll think their own ways.
    But complacent behavior means he’s bored I’m asking too little hehe



  185.  #185Miss Bells on January 6, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    Wow! Interesting weekend.
    I went to the music event all dressed up and hung out with a bunch of old friends and the musicians that were in the day’s line-up.
    HS said he was coming, but I hadn’t talked with him for a day or two. I was coming down the stairs in the middle of the afternoon, back to the covered outdoor beer garden, and he was at the bottom of the stairs.
    I was surrounded by guys who were chatting me up, but I made a space for him near me. We had fish and chips and a bit of wine.
    Around 5 he wanted to go. I said just couch-surfing didn’t feel good to me, but if he were inviting me to dinner that would be great.
    I didn’t want to drive so we left my car.
    We went to his house, which still feels like home to me, and ate ravioli and listened to music by the fire, than watched Madmen.
    After a while I went and lay down on the comfy couch.
    He came over and hugged me and kissed me for a bit. He said I could sleep with him, that he would’t jump my bones, but I stayed on the couch.
    In the morning we had breakfast and I got a ride back to the car.
    He is talking about taking me somewhere. That was always a sticking point with me–the travel thing. I don’t pursue that line of conversation. I don’t want him to just think about it–I want him to bring me the whole package as a done deal.
    He has become truly affectionate. We may go out on Tuesday.
    I have lunch with a POF guy on Tuesday.



  186.  #186MovingMagic on January 6, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    I have a male friend who has his share of feminine energy. He uses feeling messages so easily, & says things like “yumm” when he’s feeling turned on. At the same time he’s also very masculine, & treats me like a lady. It’s a bit of a balance.



  187.  #187Emerson on January 6, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    183 miss bells
    Very interesting indeed! And I LOVE how you have a pod date on Tuesday. I felt empowered reading your chain of events…



  188.  #188Memulo on January 6, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    Daria,
    I hear you and not sure I agree. The ability to have a relationship is important but it’s only one of the necessary traits in a partner. I learned from my past that when I have to force myself into liking someone, something is fundamentally wrong, otherwise it would have happened already. This is me. But I actually trust myself on this. I think you have to know yourself well to make the decision of why feelings do or do not grow. It can be like you said the lack of excitement swings or it can be a real significant reason.



  189.  #189Daria on January 6, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    Memulo – sorry abt that coming out patronizing

    I don’t want to communicate that way

    Itd feel good to connect…



  190.  #190Daria on January 6, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    Memulo – I agree with you, when I feel like I force myself to like someone it does not turn out to be a match.

    Unfortunately it doesn’t turn out to be a match I force myself either 🙁

    Here for me it’s learning how to go from forcing myself to expressing.

    To heal the habit of stuffing.

    There’s no need to force myself to anything… Or be with this guy

    There IS a pressing need to be authentic and express myself so I can feel intimacy w this ofher being……..Or else force myself to endure stuffing feelings yet another date…….. Or never pick up the phone and feel what I feel after that

    I think the fear you soeak abt is It’s not that it will not work out with this guy. It’s the fear that it might.

    Because if it doesn’t work out, how could it ?

    I won’t say yes to a marriage I don’t want.

    But why would I run away from a guy before sharing the truth – why is it such a big deal to talk about it ? —/ that’s my stuff and that’s gona keep me from getting close to any guy

    So I want to just stay here receive and communicate.

    There’s nothing he can do to hurt me, so why would I tell him to go away instead of tell him how I’m feeling ?

    No one says I Have to feel turned on … If I feel turned off… I cAn share that with him also

    Maybe he will really be able to fix it.

    ********

    Or maybe he won’t. Abd then what. This is what the women are afraid of.

    What did their dad do?

    Blame them?

    Get angry?

    Leave them? Abandon them and tell them it was their fault?

    **£*

    I feel afraid hell leave me and blame and say I’m cold and a user and mean abd why didn’t I tell him before abd I’m selfish and not nice.

    ……

    And if he goes so what?

    He really wouldn’t be a good match indeed….

    What of he does something else?

    Something j don’t know

    Sobering I never experienced

    And thus ‘issue’ fades away like nothing ? And I feel good ?



  191.  #191Daria on January 6, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    It’s not that it will work out with him.

    It’s that it doesn’t workout with the ones I like.

    So I will learn to like him/any man. Really like him, not just sorta like him.

    This is what Rorys stuff is about: women can grow their own attraction

    I’m training myself to be attracted to men who candi relationships.

    The way I trained myself to be attracted to men w long hair.



  192.  #192Tam on January 6, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    Interesting Daria. Instead of expressing, I chose to run. Maybe this is why I feel weird now.
    Hm
    Old pattern.
    My record seems stuck. Bummed.



  193.  #193Miss Bells on January 6, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    I am going about it the opposite way–Find a man who can do relationships that I also am organically attracted to. There are LOTS of good men that are able to commit. Some of them MUST also smell right, have the right inflections, be just a LITTLE bit bad, and the other things I am naturally attracted to. The odds are in my favor.



  194.  #194k2012 on January 6, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    I have a question. If circular dating includes interaction with men, does this mean that talking to guys online count? Last night I was talking to a guy from my high school days on facebook. I am going to link up with other guys from my high school days online too. When u flirt with them, is that considered circular dating? I would really appreciate your answer tonight, ladies. Thanks.



  195.  #195Miss Bells on January 6, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    I personally count any interaction where I am in the game and flirting and watering down the influence that any ONE man (who has not committed to me) holds over me.
    I can go ahead and LOVE HS. I can spend time with him. I can know that he loves me.
    But until he makes a solid commitment, I will interact with other men in such a way that they know I could be available, and I could possibly be interested in them. The door to other men is left open.



  196.  #196Rori Raye on January 6, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    JoAnne – so sorry – and there’s really nothing you can do from this distance. Try my ebook and see if you can learn some new tools from there to help you when he comes back (or, perhaps he’ll call you!) Love, Rori



  197.  #197Memulo on January 6, 2013 at 7:04 pm

    Yes K2012, even if you make an eye contact with a stranger it’s CD;)



  198.  #198Emerson on January 6, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    192 miss bells
    I like what you had to say here



  199.  #199Memulo on January 6, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    Daria, it makes sense. I want it all and now, like K2012;) someone interesting and capable of relationships!



  200.  #200Emerson on January 6, 2013 at 7:17 pm

    BlueCD has poofed …no word since New Year’s Day. I’m leaning back of course. Feeling a bit pouty about it like hmmmphhh!!!! Cuz I don’t have any REAL CDs to fall back on.

    I sent a friendly email to textcd and he texted me back a pic of him with his new girlfriend. Omg wtf… The. Asked me to come over and hang out with them. No thanks and wtf!?!?



  201.  #201Memulo on January 6, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    I wonder how this silence ruins what was left of the connection.. I don’t believe it helps, somehow not in my case. Maybe it’s because I was so silent in that relationship. And also -did he really find the girl of his dreams.. she can’t be that different from me. More assertive for sure and not self-supressed ‘following the right rules’, probably younger. But he actually was attracted to who I am, he had a lot of respect for me. That’s before I panicked and complained about my problems of course.



  202.  #202Memulo on January 6, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    I have this feeling now of being very confident with men. They can’t shake me. If they/do things I don’t like I respond calmly with sesnse of humor and a feeling of my power. I have a lot of power, so much that I don’t even want to excercise it all



  203.  #203k2012 on January 6, 2013 at 7:28 pm

    Hey miss Bells -195, u got that one right 199- memulo I want someone who is capable of relationships. I feel lonely. I am talking to the guy online now. But I feel a bit fearful.



  204.  #204Memulo on January 6, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    Emerson we all fall in these wholes of no CD’s once in a while, just be sure it will pass;)



  205.  #205Emerson on January 6, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    I feel desperate and frowny faced. I feel like the one who was “not picked”…. In work situations I’ve been “picked” bit in relationships I am picked momentarily but not permanently… I want to flip this and I want to be the one doing the picking bit reality is that may not be true….
    I also read that men prefer to marry brunettes and just “have fun” with blondes and maybe I should dye my hair brown. I’m a natural blonde, I’ve been told i look like Rebecca demornay…



  206.  #206Memulo on January 6, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    Emerson they can dye their hair if they want;) natural once is so pretty!



  207.  #207Emerson on January 6, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    Thanks memulo!



  208.  #208Memulo on January 6, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    K2012 you never saw or heard from the guy who disappeared in you after a year?



  209.  #209Emerson on January 6, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    I want.a man who is safe and strong …. Who I feel safe and confident with! I miss that feeling so much. I’ve had it twice in my life but it didn’t last.
    Oh I miss being full of confidence and hope!!



  210.  #210Vi on January 6, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    I feel triggered by a compliment to how I look. I feel tense and almost like crying and want to escape. I feel stiff in my face. I feel ashamed. I feel embarrassed. It feels like a taboo. It feels like a burden – stiff shoulders, bent forward upper back. It feels like I want to hide something – bury it under a carpet, anywhere; or tell a lie that I don’t have it or at least it’s not mine… aww my natural beauty feels unheard. Noticing that feels like a relaxed forehead. And the thought feels like mouth corners turned down… It also feels like warmth in the eyes. It feels like a dark spot on my heart. I love my heart. I love the dark spot on it. I love my sensations… The thought feels like heavy eyelids. which feels pleasant. Warmth and heaviness feel moving down the jawline leaving the jaw and tongue and lips relaxed and then down the throat and it feels soothing and the throat feels warm and smooth. Warmth covers my collar bones and shoulders and reaches my heart and wraps it and this dark spot and it feels soothing too… My chest feels relaxed. It feels safe. It feels good to slow down and attend to a dark spot on my heart. Sigh. It feels so good to breathe…And it feels like a smile on my face. I love me.



  211.  #211Emerson on January 6, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    I want to meet someone new….
    I want fun and adventure…



  212.  #212Emerson on January 6, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    210 ((Vi))



  213.  #213Vi on January 6, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    Hey Emeron 🙂 Hugs feel good, thank you!



  214.  #214Indigo on January 6, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    I feel so proud of myself.

    I will write more about this later, but for the first time in a long time I have felt completely GOOD about the D situation for a week now, no matter what happens.

    *Sigh* this work is so hard, but so worth it 🙂



  215.  #215Vi on January 6, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    I intend to focus more on the relationship with my body. I want it to feel heard and good about herself and loved and attended by me. I could hug myself not only when I notice I feel down.. I could give myself foot massage or apply cremes more often .. like hey I am here for you, how does it feel?.. It feels good even just thinking of it.. and a little ashamed too. I love my shame! I love my body too. I could apply some creme on my hand right now and see how my hand feels.. I love my body tightness. Maybe I could love my body softness too..



  216.  #216k2012 on January 6, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    208-Memulo. No my dear I didn’t hear from him at all. He wished me happy birthday on my profile (that’s not contacting me directly. I didn’t respond to him. He called from a calling card two times but hang up before I could answer the phone so we haven’t spoken from he disappeared.



  217.  #217Luzydel on January 6, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    Already told Newcd that I don’t want to date anymore; i really don’t. I want to focus 100 percent in me. I am a natural loner, so being alone and not dating won’t bother me at all. I am open to be his friend and be any mans friend, but no date… Dating is expectations, friend isn’t.



  218.  #218Vi on January 6, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    I intend to literally be constantly in touch with myself 🙂 I intend to do it 2 or 3 days from now and see how I feel…



  219.  #219LoveAlways on January 6, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    Hi Sirens:

    Sometimes, being “surprised” can feel like ouch! But it’s still within leaning back, feeling your feelings and letting the waves roll over you. Yeah, I needed a full blown mixture of tools tonight! I was still, felt my feelings and did not react based on my feelings. I felt them and kept it to myself and they I let my feelings, my true feelings guide my words. I felt anxious then disappointed and then sad. But after a few minutes I felt POWERFUL, solid and feminine. I was strong on the inside for real!! And I let that wave rock me back and forth and I flowed with it and I surprised both myself and him. I FELT him feel safe because I held that space for both of us at that hard hard oh so hard moment. It was amazing. Rori, you are dead on with your stuff and I love it that I get it now!! Love to you all.

    LoveAlways



  220.  #220MovingMagic on January 6, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    Thank you universe for the compliments on my dancing last night, & today. Thank you universe for reminding me to tap back into Abraham Hicks, & the power of thought. Thank you for support from friends & family. Yes, thank you, more please.



  221.  #221CurvySiren10 on January 6, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    (((Emerson))) love your honesty…

    Indigo- SO happy to hear this from you! Can’t wait to read what you’re going to write.

    Memulo- I personally don’t believe your ex guy is with the girl of his dreams right now because I don’t believe he was ready AT ALL or emotionally available for a relationship. He had way too much marriage & kid drama going on and I honestly don’t believe it had anything to do with you, or your financial issues. The “right” guy in the “right” situation wouldn’t flinch about any of that. He just wasn’t ready….



  222.  #222Tereana on January 6, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    Emerson – lol. You wrote to Miss Bells that she had a “pod date” coming up. Teehee! I was wondering – what’s a pod date????
    And then I realized – it was a POF date. Lol 😀

    Miss Bells, you sounds relaxed, and clear about your boundaries. It’s going to work out well one way or another!

    K2012 – definitely, flirting & communicating with guys anywhere is CDing. To me, even talking with women can be CDing sometimes. Like when I’m thinking about a guy, but then I call a girlfriend instead and have a nice long girly chat. It’s not “flirting,” but it’s dating myself, in that it’s taking care of me, and taking the focus off him.

    But if you’re looking for an excuse to lean forward and reach out to lots of guys, maybe you can resist that urge. In order to CD properly and practice leaning back, you’d have to let them find you..,otherwise, you are just practicing leaning forward…

    does that make sense?



  223.  #223Emerson on January 6, 2013 at 11:43 pm

    Lol pod date 🙂



  224.  #224Scarlet on January 7, 2013 at 12:05 am

    Hi Glowstix (75)

    Thanks for that. I think you are so right. It is up to me to set the boundary for what sort of arrangement I like to have. He has been coming over when he wants to, after spending afternoons/evenings with mates. And I have allowed it. As I said it’s summer and hot here and we’ve all been on holidays so it’s common to be at the beach until early hours of the morning. That all has to stop this week because I am back at work, but I fear I have set up (or at least allowed) a pattern that I am going to have to break.

    Today he text me and asked if he could come over. I asked him what time and the next text was about him having a migraine and he was going to have a little sleep. I interpreted that as an “out” if he doesn’t want to come; also a bit of discomfort perhaps because I was asking him to be accountable with a time – something that I have not asked for in the last 3 weeks.

    Well, at least I hope that’s all it is. I am scared that he has pulled away from me. My anxieties are high as I have such a dreadful fear of abandonment.



  225.  #225Dancing Siren on January 7, 2013 at 2:12 am

    Hi Daria,

    I am glad you feel inspired by what I chose to do.

    Yes at first I kept questioning myself too regarding my decision to go to my Mum’s. However what clinched it for me was that even though I understood logically his reasons, it still FELT bad. So I decided to go with that. Not to be mean or dramatic. But just to give myself some space and honour my own feelings. Get my bearings.

    Often these days I will stay and work things out in his presence because I trust him to be careful with my feelings, however this time I wanted some distance from a situation that through no one’s fault felt bad.

    We have spoken on the phone this morning.

    He told me his friend came over, the one he always used to get wasted with. But he said he chose NOT to do anything.

    I feel relieved and proud.

    I told him I do not want to break up, but we couldn’t talk much as his friend was still there.

    I will see him later.



  226.  #226Dancing Siren on January 7, 2013 at 2:17 am

    Emerson,

    It’s so good to hear you still working the tools and riffing.

    I feel a change in your vibe, like you have turned a corner since I was on here before.

    Happy 2013 Lady. xx



  227.  #227Sirenity on January 7, 2013 at 2:25 am

    Support for you Dancing Siren.. No I dont believe you are being “inflexible’ – you are the total opposite of that! You have a firm commitment to marriage and family and you are honouring your needs . That is NOT being inflexible.(Its over a year now).

    When I got engaged many years ago , my fiance asked me in order to snatch me up , he couldnt bear to let me go (i was CDing as he hadnt spoken for me and i was NOT his GF at the time) I had known him 8 months at the time , during much of which we were separated. I became his live in after the ring was produced (he sold a motor bike to buy it) and married a year after the proposal, at my request to get to know each other better.

    You are not having any “expectation” that wasnt in fact already promised to you. You were offered an engagement by Christmas and you dont feel good because he disappointed you without discussion and you now feel uncomfortable living with him??

    I think that is very fair and in fact you already showed great flexibility in accepting a man with alcohol issues and not giving up on him and really I feel so very thrilled that you are focussing on YOU and what feels right and what feels wrong for you!

    Yes there may be deeper issues and the failure to go forward in the relationship as had been discussed isnt the only issue here i am sure. That is yours to explore.

    Even if there isnt a ring , the right thing may have been if he had initiated a discussion at Christmas about the desire to have a beautiful proposal and ring and surprise you, and not left you thinking it was going to happen..over the holidays, and leave you in the cold.

    UUGGHH that feels bad to me to think you were waiting with happiness and joy and hope of a beautiful Christmas engagement (as had been already been discussed and as some other Sirens have enjoyed ) and there was no warning that things had changed.

    I also think that you KNOW inside what feels right and if you feel you need some space then there is probably good reason for that.



  228.  #228Indigo on January 7, 2013 at 3:00 am

    Scarlet,

    I can relate SO much to what you are saying here, because I struggled with the same things in the same way as you when I was in a relationship.

    All I can say is that I learned the HARD way to breathe and lean back, and give him the benefit of the doubt, and failing that, enforce a boundary which I could stick to. Doing it this way takes the anxiety away.

    Hugs to you xx



  229.  #229Indigo on January 7, 2013 at 3:26 am

    CurvySiren

    Thank you! Your encouragement means so much to me! xx

    Well, after turning D down to go and watch a movie on Friday night, I caved and said I would last night (Sunday) because I wanted to see him, and those extra 2 days had given me the space and the time to re-group and develop my inner power to the point that I felt I could handle it.

    Anyway, in the interim I was involved in a car accident on Saturday. I was not really hurt but my car may be a write-off. Anway, a CD (yay for CDing!) I was on the way to have lunch with came and rescued me.

    I phoned D, and texted him, but it later turned out his phone was dead. He was gutted when I told him about the accident last night that he couldn’t be there for me, which I know is true, and he has been a real star and very protective sorting out the insurance for me today.

    Anyway, I could tell he was evidently delighted to see me last night, but after some kissing and cuddling and getting some food, he was playing a game on his cellphone whilst he asked me to choose a movie I wanted to watch. I could tell he was slipping back into our old routine where I over-functioned and allowed too much, and was taking me for granted.

    I remembered what Mercedes had said when she had the problem with J when he was absorbed in playing computer games, and I thought she handled it in SUCH a rockstar way. So, I said sweetly, “I’m going to go home now.” I didn’t argue, I didn’t ask him to stop, I just gave him a kiss and headed for the door. He was totally bewildered and completely surprised, I could tell it was not what he was expecting from me at all. He said didn’t I want to stay and watch something? And I said sweetly, no, it seemed as if he was playing and that was fine and I was going to go.

    As I drove home I felt SO powerful in a wonderful, soft, feminine way. I thought, I can DO this no matter what the situation. I don’t need him, I can make myself happy. It felt so good. And I felt so proud of myself that I didn’t argue, just stood up for my boundary and went and took care of myself.

    🙂

    As I said, he contacted me first thing this morning about the insurance and was quite sweet and protective. 🙂

    *Good sigh*

    I love this.



  230.  #230Daria on January 7, 2013 at 3:31 am

    He said / Ima treat u lik a lady slash porn star slash prom queen slash my baby



  231.  #231Tam on January 7, 2013 at 5:01 am

    Indigo!! I like your post! You sound fantastic, considering car accident etc. You go girl!!



  232.  #232Indigo on January 7, 2013 at 5:05 am

    The best thing about this was not even anything he did or anything to do with him, it was how quickly I got to the I-love-myself place.



  233.  #233Femininewoman on January 7, 2013 at 5:06 am

    ((((((IIndigo)))))))



  234.  #234Indigo on January 7, 2013 at 5:06 am

    Thank you so much Tam!!

    I have been following your posts with admiration too! Yay for how you stood up for your boundaries!



  235.  #235Tam on January 7, 2013 at 5:07 am

    So no news from Curly and the urge to reach out has passed. Actually, no point. Go me!

    The friend of his who was chasing me has gone all silent after I told him the truth, which was that it feels a little weird as I had been dating Curly and although it seems we are not anymore, I would feel strange hanging out at the same places. (It seems he did not know. Lol.)

    Oh, and one of MrP and my common friends is in town for a couple of days. I have to navigate this as it is a possibility that we have a get-together. And to make this even more funny, we usually get together at a bar where Curly hangs out also. Too funny. I don’t think it is going to happen, this get-together, and in some ways I hope not, because I know when I see MrP it will be the ultimate test of how far I am. I also know when we meet, it will be ‘on’ again, absolutely no doubt about that, as that has always been the case. I can’t allow that to happen, the guy nearly drove me crazy, correction: I nearly drove myself crazy over the guy.
    I don’t want to see him.



  236.  #236Indigo on January 7, 2013 at 5:07 am

    Thank you for the hug FeminineWoman xx



  237.  #237Tam on January 7, 2013 at 5:09 am

    234 Aw, thank you Indigo..I am not all that good at standing up for my boundaries, it makes me feel cringey…maybe deep down I still believe I am ‘not worth it’? I don’t know.
    It’s a struggle, but I am winning 🙂



  238.  #238Tam on January 7, 2013 at 5:14 am

    Oh, very funny. I was walking in town/by the beach yesterday in teeny shorts and a lacy camisole, and yes, I did look like a little hottie and had lots of men eyeing me up and chatting me up (the power of dress…crazy).
    And then the shady guy from Curly’s house cycles by. Looks at me (he did not recognise me, as last time he saw me I was a bit frumpy and hair up). So I do a really sleep move, take my sunglasses off and wink at him and blow a ‘hiiiiiii’ his way. And as he just realised who I was, opened his eyes wide and was about to stop, I continue walking singing to my Ipod music. lalalalala. Muahahahahahahaaaaaa.
    Too funny.
    And then a ca 20 year old chatted me up.
    Dear Universe, are there men between 20 and 61?
    Going a bit crazy on the ages there. Come on, you can do better!!
    in short, I was romancing myself yesterday and it felt great!!



  239.  #239Tam on January 7, 2013 at 5:14 am

    sleep move= sleek move (hehe)



  240.  #240Femininewoman on January 7, 2013 at 5:46 am

    haha Tam!!! I love your vibe



  241.  #241Femininewoman on January 7, 2013 at 5:49 am

    Principles

    Don’t care too much and men will climb walls for me

    A woman is perceived to be offering a mental challenge to the degree that a man doesn’t feel he has 100% hold on her

    It is my attitude about myself that a man will adopt

    Act like a prize and I will turn him into a believer



  242.  #242Tam on January 7, 2013 at 5:52 am

    Well, FW, it took me most of this year to get there and I am not having it sabotaged by any man. I get temporarily thrown off course but at the same time I still feel centered and it’s easy to get back to my equilibrium.
    Making myself happy and it’s pretty easy once I got the hang of it.
    Shame it took me so long … but that’s ok too!
    Life is good.



  243.  #243Femininewoman on January 7, 2013 at 6:01 am

    Sirenity/Dancing Siren – I love your words to Dancing Siren. Just that I feel a little conflicted about “the right thing” to do. Thinking about being right or being happy. He made a promise that kinda built some expectations yes. Yet as an autonomous grown up human being he is entitled to change his mind without having to explain. I believe it would be great to focus on why the ring is so important, or even marriage is so important to you.

    I believe I would have gone back home also because the lead up to Christmas and beyond must have been internal intense with lean forward suspense and expectations. I also do believe that at these make or break moments it is good to step back and review our commitments to see if that is really what we want. If so the couple can move forward again with renewed purpose and devotion to each other. Knowing that they chose each other again. This to me is a deeper level of commitment.

    I respect what Dominique says but I do believe when we want marriage it is different just that we have to be aware of what we are putting importance on (marriage vs relationship). Sometimes we want to get married and have the big party but ultimately don’t want to BE married. Sometimes it is just peer/societal pressure and us living up to our parents expectations.



  244.  #244Femininewoman on January 7, 2013 at 6:02 am

    No shame Tam. Nobody taught you or I how to do this. Also for the most part there were no role models.



  245.  #245Tam on January 7, 2013 at 6:10 am

    Nope, no role models..I didn’t know how important that is. I once had a friend, a very close male friend say to me: ‘well, you had no good role models for life or relationships’. I got very angry, but he was quite right. The only role models I had was a deeply unhappy mother with mental issues (who expected everyone, including me, to make her happy but ultimately she never was), and a father who ran off with another woman….that was it.
    So no wonder it took me so long to recognise what’s going on inside me. No blame, just realisation.
    I feel happy though, happy to have more insight now. Most of all happy to be free from expectations that other people can ‘fix’ me or make me happy.
    I can make myself happy….this is such a relief.
    And other people can contribute and join me – or not. It really is all good and feels relaxing.



  246.  #246Mercedes on January 7, 2013 at 6:54 am

    Indigo: “I didn’t argue, I didn’t ask him to stop, I just gave him a kiss and headed for the door. He was totally bewildered and completely surprised, I could tell it was not what he was expecting from me at all.”

    This is exactly the way it went for me! And I felt the same way you did. I felt so strong and so at peace with what I had done (in the past I would have probably felt guilty or something similar) and so so proud of myself for putting ME first! There was no blaming or arguing or complaining, I just put ME first and walked away.

    I’m so happy for you! Deciding to say “I want to be happy and I’m not happy in this moment so I’m taking charge of that and leaving.” is a beautiful, beautiful thing!

    (and I’m really happy you were not hurt in your accident! I hope everything works out okay with your car…)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  247.  #247k2012 on January 7, 2013 at 6:57 am

    Tereana, I hear u. I have taken notice of what u said re the circular dating. Suppose the guy who I am communicating with is married. I am not going to date him now. We are just chit chatting but I don’t want it him to get any impression that I am interested. He joked and said that I should send him some bikini pics so I joked and said “lol, I won’t send them. He said ok then, I will have to take them when I come in_________ . He is overseas and is a past schoolmate. Naturally I don’t want it to reach the stage where it is an affair. NO WAY. Of course circular dating is the journey I am embarking on into finding the right man. But because my schoolmate is married, I don’t want an emotional affair to start so if we start getting closer, it is strictly friendship, and it wouldn’t be a friends with benefits either. How do I ensure that it remains at friendship and don’t escalate into an emotional affair? That’s why I wanted to reach out to other guys which of course I thought was circular dating but u are saying to let them find me as that would be leaning forward. I need your advice Tereana and other ladies. Thanks a lot in advance. What a day when I find the right man who will propose to me and marry me. That will be a glorious day and I am looking forward to it. I am back at work now and just taking a break.



  248.  #248CurvySiren10 on January 7, 2013 at 7:02 am

    Indigo- just have a moment but wow- I am so impressed with how you handled that situation. It was picture perfect. You held your boundary, didn’t blame or fuss… beautiful! That combined with your leaning back shows how you “get this” and are taking care of yourself…and carrying on, as you should be. I feel very happy to hear this and love how you share/express yourself here. xoxo hugs!



  249.  #249Mercedes on January 7, 2013 at 7:05 am

    K2012: “How do I ensure that it remains at friendship and don’t escalate into an emotional affair?”

    It works pretty well to ask how his wife is and to ask if you’re going to get to meet her when he comes, ask if he has pictures of her on fb, etc. I would probably remind him that you know he is married and you haven’t decided to pretend his isn’t and show him that you care about how she is. A woman who shows concern for his wife will probably not feel like dating material to him. If he tries to go further after that, I would straight up say “I’m not interested in anything other than being friends. You are married.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  250.  #250Annie on January 7, 2013 at 7:18 am

    Tam says.

    “It does not suit me to enter into any exclusivity agreement whilst I can’t see myself ever living with him…I see that as a waste of time for something not viable.
    Another one bites the dust.
    Sigh.”

    As an observer it feels Bizarre to me that someone would waste any of their precious time thinking, talking about and doing their best to work out why a man who they couldn’t see themselves living with due to deal breakers between them and not a viable option has now stopped moving forward. Isn’t that what we want to weed the wrong ones out so the right one can turn up?



  251.  #251Goodheart on January 7, 2013 at 7:23 am

    Mel (from the previous post),

    I abolutely am drawn to your posts.

    I love when I see your name on here and I would miss you terribly if you went.

    You are an inspiring siren 🙂



  252.  #252CurvySiren10 on January 7, 2013 at 7:29 am

    Oh and so sorry about the car accident Indigo… believe it or not, that happened to me during the time I was not with my ex (who’s no longer my ex, lol) Very strange similarities between us, eh? Glad you are okay…



  253.  #253k2012 on January 7, 2013 at 7:37 am

    Mercedes, thanks so much for your advice. “High five” to u. I will make a note of your comments. I have a good male friend who is married who I went to university with. He liked me and we used to talk on the phone. He assisted me with moving house and did things that my own boyfriend at the time (not disappearing ex, but someone else) should have been doing. He hinted sometime before that, that he was interested. When I picked up, this is what I did-when he called sometime I didn’t answer. Sometime after he helped me move, he came right out and expressed interest. I told him no as I can’t deal with the issue of dating married men. That was before I became a christian. As a matter of fact, whether I am a christian or not, I will NOT date married men. So now we are good friends who talk on the phone, do instant message now and then. He carried somewhere to deliver a letter as I don’t drive. By his actions, it is clear that he has accepted the fact that we can only be just friends so he hasn’t said anything more. I even confided in him about disappearing ex. One has to be careful that when u have a married male friend, it remains that way-friendship and not escalate into an affair.



  254.  #254Tam on January 7, 2013 at 7:43 am

    250 Annie, well, bizarre or not, in my case I am all for giving people a chance to explain themselves or communicate and working things out.
    If they fail to want the same as me then letting go.
    I don’t believe that having a rigid structure of dealbreakers and or unacceptable behaviours is going to help us when dealing with humans. I have yet to come across the perfect human being and I am not one myself.
    He had some pretty good qualities and tipping the baby out with the bathwater before having full facts and info and communication was one of the (sick) strategies I used to employ when I was unaware that I had fear of intimacy issues.
    I also see this whole thing as a communication failure on my part, as he had expressed that he would try to change behaviour alluding to one of my dealbreakers and instead of discussing it with him, I clammed up and didn’t speak.
    I am not the best one for giving advice but I do suggest that when we speak with harsh words about or with someone, that we are harsh to ourselves.
    Your words feel very harsh and critical to me.
    Maybe something to look at?



  255.  #255Mercedes on January 7, 2013 at 7:47 am

    K2012: You are very wise. “High five” right back at you! I believe it is easier for men and women to become attracted when they are “just friends” than we think it is. For J and I, we do not have friends of the opposite sex (other than people we know from work who we never see outside of the office) that the other one doesn’t know personally. We don’t communicate with friends of the opposite sex over the phone or internet, etc.

    I don’t think it’s impossible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex (married or not) but for J and I, it feels better (safer and more secure) to share our friendships.

    I think people enter the danger zone when they are communicating with a member of the opposite sex and they’re not telling their significant other about it. If a person is friends with someone but they don’t tell their spouse/gf/bf about it, that’s treading into dangerous waters. If they are meeting this friend for food or drinks or coffee but they can’t be open about it with their love, that’s a dangerous situation. That’s why I suggest you bring up his wife and asking how she is, etc. It sort of brings her into your time with him…whether he wants her there or not. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  256.  #256Tam on January 7, 2013 at 7:53 am

    I still have a lot of practising to do and a lot of trying to speak authentically, right man or wrong man – makes no difference.
    I get the theory, but the practice is actually difficult and feels very very hard to do.
    That is my lesson.
    Curly is not for me probably but that is beside the point.
    I once briefly dated a man with similar if not identical deal breakers. We were great friends also. At the time, I chucked him out because of those dealbreakers. Turns out that the next girl that came along tried harder. She was much like me except without fear…and she told him what she needed. Lo and behold, he stopped his habits, good a great job and within 3 years they were married and had a baby (‘eternal bachelor’ also). At the time I was totally amazed and thought ‘wow, I chucked the guy out and never even gave him the chance to change/prove himself’. He never knew about my dealbreakers. He was totally unaware.
    I feel sad when I think back on it…and I have just done the same thing again basically.
    This means that I have some way to go yet, nevermind about the man/men that may/may not have been the ‘right men’ for me. Who knows.
    The potential was there but I decided to let it go and not speak my truth. So I will never know.



  257.  #257Tam on January 7, 2013 at 7:54 am

    I don’t mean she ‘tried harder’ as in trying. She just stood her ground and didn’t abandon the relationship prematurely.



  258.  #258Lori on January 7, 2013 at 8:13 am

    Good morning, well, he called as he told me he would last Thursday. He wanted to know what the plan is for tomorrow night. He’s not feeling that great, run down and tired. I kept my voice soft, my attitude positive. He asked me to call him tomorrow to finalize the plans. Since he asked me to call, I will.



  259.  #259Tam on January 7, 2013 at 8:21 am

    At the root of all this is that I am fundamentally happy by myself, and that whoever comes into my life has to be a pretty amazing person. I am not sure if this means that I am setting myself up for failure, expecting too much and most importantly expecting a man to already provide the perfect partner to me before I even give him the chance to show me what he is made of.
    Perhaps it is time to take a long hard look at what it is I really want. Do I want a relationship with all its perfect imperfectness and working at it? Or do I want to stay by myself and just have a lover/casual dates?
    I thought it was relationship that I wanted and now it seems that maybe, just maybe I ought to find out whether this is really true.



  260.  #260BeLoved on January 7, 2013 at 8:33 am

    250

    Annie

    “As an observer it feels Bizarre to me that someone would waste any of their precious time thinking, talking about and doing their best to work out why a man who they couldn’t see themselves living with due to deal breakers between them and not a viable option has now stopped moving forward.”

    Relating this to my situation…it IS bizarre.
    This comment makes me wonder, what AM I thinking??
    I come to this job and feel so aggravated I literally feel like I want to stab somebody (not kill, just stab!)…and C is here, ready to dangle bait any time it seems my attention flags
    WHAT AM I THINKING?
    Do I not value my time more highly? Do I think I have forever? Do I not believe I can an do deserve better?
    I feel irritated.
    It feels so cumb, to be wasting time at this job.
    I tell myself, I’ll work out the outline for the workshop I’m creating during my free time at work, but the time I’m here, I feel so irritated and aggressive I just check out.
    The steady stream of thoughts come to a halt and become a disjointed mess when I put pen to paper
    then I decide, it’s better if I can hear myself talk out loud only…I don’t have an iPod to record myself anymore
    and
    round and round
    Do I think I have forever?
    I feel annoyed with myself.



  261.  #261Starla on January 7, 2013 at 8:37 am

    So much more to update still about QZ

    He offered me everything I want — put it all on the table and we talked timelines and expectations…

    So! I’m now in an exclusive relationship with a man who believes I am the love of his life and just wants to impress me and take care of me and also be by my side through adventures and goals. With a man who doesn’t let jealousy poison things and can be very cool while I pursue belly dance and have guy friends and spend time with bands and stuff in our music scene, or time with ‘powerful’ people in politics.

    I spent many months thinking about our respective energies while we were broken up. Like, maybe he’s just more fem energy, and if I want him bad enough, I should come to terms with doing things like driving to his city, initiating contact more, making sure we see each other, be patient about him consistently and openly showing me he’s into me, etc. But now that he’s back and I’m actually willing to do those things, it turns out he’s not fem energy at all. He absolutely won’t LET me drive to see him, and he leaves absolutely no question in my mind about how crazy he is about me and only me, and how lucky he feels to be with me. He never misses an opportunity to show me support, give me love, or give me a thoughtful gift. He is SO INTO ME.

    And I know it’s the real deal because I now have everything I want, and I am actually QUESTIONING now if this is really what I want. It’s so real and tangible, that I can actually consider for a second, “wait! do i even want this?”

    It’s a trip. I actually feel like he’s coming on maybe just a tad too strong with the forever love stuff, hahahaha, can you believe that? What a shift!



  262.  #262Tam on January 7, 2013 at 8:40 am

    Starla, that just sounds so amazing. I feel really surprised and very very happy for you!!



  263.  #263Starla on January 7, 2013 at 8:41 am

    Since we’re in a stable, safe-feeling committed relationship, I have no problem now just saying things like ‘i want to go to the museum!’ to him with intentions of ‘making it happen’ myself, no big deal… it’s all in the vibe and i know my vibe is good around ‘leading’ stuff, but HE WON’T LET ME! If I say something like ‘I want to go to the museum,’ he just says “oohh that’s a great idea; I’d love to take you.”

    go figure! this man is 150% masculine energy. He really thrives in it and does a great job.

    I think it helps that in my vibe there is no expectation of him to be this way, because I did decide that I was okay with letting more of my masculine energy out if necessary.



  264.  #264Lori on January 7, 2013 at 8:42 am

    Hi Starla, I’m very happy for you. I would like to know what you did, or didn’t do, to bring about this change in him. I’m not sure if you have read any of my posts.



  265.  #265Tam on January 7, 2013 at 8:43 am

    260 Beloved…you know what?
    You are great, and the reason why I did not like that ‘bizarre’ comment is because it sounds like we should be beating ourselves up for being human, feeling people.
    I don’t want to see us beating ourselves up.
    Catalysts for change maybe, but I want to be good to myself and kind. Hence I don’t consider anything I di as bizarre. And if other people do, that’s their problem and not mine as something triggered them.



  266.  #266Annie on January 7, 2013 at 8:44 am

    254: Tam.

    Ah Ty Tam I now hear and understand your perspective.
    Feel sure he will be back and rectify the dealbreaker/s if he is the right man for you. He knows what he has to do to step up and win you.

    “Your words feel very harsh and critical to me.
    Maybe something to look at?”

    Feel sure you are right if I triggered this for you some healing there.



  267.  #267Tam on January 7, 2013 at 8:47 am

    266..Annie, I believe that too, hence I am not tempted anymore to reach out at all. Let it all unfold.



  268.  #268Starla on January 7, 2013 at 8:48 am

    gosh it feels so surreal and amazing to finally be in a committed relationship where i feel like i can be totally myself… plus i can initiate or lead and not feel weird or afraid or like i’m hurting his attraction levels

    it feels so overwhelming and real and reliable that i am for the first time really questioning, “wait, is this what i want?” yes, of course it’s what i want. but i feel uncomfortable without the drama, and i feel uncomfortable without there being a ‘void’ that i yearn to fill. drama and yearning have been my close friends for a long time. i can’t imagine life without them.



  269.  #269Memulo on January 7, 2013 at 8:51 am

    FW 241 -I agree. Worked for me



  270.  #270Annie on January 7, 2013 at 8:52 am

    It feels good to me to have expressed my feeling that sometimes what humans do feels bizarre to me and it also feels ironic. It opened the door to me for more understanding of others perspectives. So many things feel ironic to me. It feels good to be on a journey of learning.



  271.  #271Annie on January 7, 2013 at 8:54 am

    and healing



  272.  #272k2012 on January 7, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Starla,”timelines and expectations”. Good. That is exactly what needs to be discussed in a committed relationship. Congratulations to u.



  273.  #273Memulo on January 7, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Starla!!!! Now you can have a ‘normal’ healthy relationship with him having your back among other people. Isn’t it wonderful



  274.  #274Starla on January 7, 2013 at 8:57 am

    lori 264, he broke up with me in a long email 9 months ago and wouldn’t return my calls afterwards. i hadn’t tried to contact him for 6 months and last month randomly just felt the urge to call him. He led the reunion from there. I knew in my heart and gut that our relationship deserved a second chance, despite the truly lame behavior of not talking to me after we broke up. I was sure not to let my anger about all that run the show, and showed up with an open heart full of love and let him explain himself. i know he is a good man, so i chose to treat him as such, instead of focusing on how bad he is for how he broke up with me and wouldn’t talk to me. having that faith in his goodness has probably been the most useful thing i could have done; he is indeed a good man so of course he feels terrible for how he handled things before and never wants to act that way again and makes sure I know that. I didn’t need to scold him or berate him for him to do that. We talked about how to handle things differently in the future and let it go.

    I can see he is struggling personally with how easy it was for me to forgive him. he has spent a lot of time beating himself up and thinking he burnt that bridge and was an idiot who lost the love of his life, and he’s still getting used to this idea that he might still even ‘deserve’ me… guilt is such a powerful force.



  275.  #275Memulo on January 7, 2013 at 9:01 am

    K2012 – saying happy birthday is attention. Phone calls are attention and cards can work poorly.
    In my case the guy just didn’t return my call and I never heard from him again. Easy



  276.  #276Starla on January 7, 2013 at 9:06 am

    yes memulo it is so wonderful:) it’s what i wanted all this time and now i have it and am freaking out! like woooaahhh buddy back off a little, hahaha.



  277.  #277Starla on January 7, 2013 at 9:07 am

    i’m not even updating my fb about my relationship status… i feel overwhelmed



  278.  #278Annie on January 7, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.
    Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat over and over until we learn and are able to move forward instead of round and round.

    I love all of my feelings.
    I love that some things feel bizarre.
    My feeling of bizarreness was perfect for me at that moment in time.
    My feelings belong to me and are my business alone. Other peoples judgments of my feelings are none of my business.
    My feelings are unique and real, perfect and beautiful to me.
    If others think my feelings are wrong, their thoughts and judgments on my feelings have nothing to do with me.They are my reality not theirs.
    To argue with my feelings and say they are wrong or make out I should or should not feel that way or am wrong for feeling that way is arguing with reality.
    They are here to help me.
    I love and trust all of my feelings.



  279.  #279Annie on January 7, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Ty for sharing BeLoved.



  280.  #280Memulo on January 7, 2013 at 9:24 am

    I always believed it should be easy to break up with me



  281.  #281Lori on January 7, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Hi Starla,
    What a great success story! I’m happy for you. 🙂 I’m meeting with my guy tomorrow night to talk. What I find interesting is that he still calls me like he said he would since he told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship. It’s been over a week. He is so extremely busy with work that I can’t see him taking time to talk if he didn’t care. He’s not the type. I’m going to tell him how I’ve been feeling and what I want out of a relationship. I can tell he’s really struggling and torn between the need to have time for him to straighten himself out and have me. I do get it and I agree that he needs time. I’ve had more time than he has.



  282.  #282Starla on January 7, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Lori I hope it all works out how you hope it does!



  283.  #283Lori on January 7, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Thanks Starla. I’ve been practicing being open, soft, my feeling messages. I’m not going to ask him about our relationship. I plan on letting him go without giving him grief. I will have told him how I feel beforehand.



  284.  #284Starla on January 7, 2013 at 9:41 am

    I still feel so funny and surreal. like our relationship can survive anything because we’re both on the same open page now about being each others soulmates and sharing something together that should never be taken for granted.

    and then on top of everything, we still haven’t slept together since dating again. we’re exclusive and committed as of a few days ago, and i felt this twinge of anxiety in my chest like ‘oh god now i HAVE to sleep with him tonight and this is all so sudden and fast and confusing and unexpected and and and *freaks out*’ and the obligated feeling made me feel awful… but it doesn’t matter because i can see that QZ is taking his time and doing what he needs to do to properly seduce me little by little:) and make me feel comfortable and safe again. i love his patience… i love that he values the dance of seduction…

    haha i picked a good one.



  285.  #285Dominique on January 7, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Yes Femininewoman in re 243, yes.

    xxoo



  286.  #286BeLoved on January 7, 2013 at 9:54 am

    279
    😀
    Your observation was helpful to me…
    my actions have been the very definition of bizarre:
    “Involving sensational contrasts or incongruities”

    It’s pretty incongruent to say I want a forever man and a be hung up on a married man with a gf who I don’t even see outside of work.

    Seeing it so clearly is making me grin at myself. This jives with the email I just received from Rori about getting back on the bike or the horse – I got scared to get back on the bike.

    It’s feeling silly to me now.
    Why NOT play around with some online dating and redirect my attention?
    That could at least help me feel more relaxed, which would equal a much happier BeLoved
    Silly silly silly woman!
    Get back on that horse…don’t think, just DO!

    Tam –
    It’s no fun to beat up on myself but I do want to see if I’m doing it, I want it to be in my awareness and not festering below the surface. Exposing the wounds to air helps them heal. Seeing other people do it provokes my compassion, and I feel that if I hold a space of deep compassion, it provides a healing space for the person doing it, even if it’s online or someone I just heard about…but I am a devotee of Red Tara so embodying compassion is my chosen path and a quality I value.

    I feel curious and I wonder if you noticed how you went from only wanting friendship to wanting a relationship with Curly? Do you know what shifted or changed? Was it the attention? I imagine it felt good and you really didn’t want it to go away. My earnest wish for you is that you have many many many more experiences of being treated like a queen!



  287.  #287ruth on January 7, 2013 at 9:55 am

    Starla, that feels so good to read 🙂



  288.  #288Tam on January 7, 2013 at 10:06 am

    BeLoved, thank you…actually, I don’t know that I wanted a committed relationship with him, which is why when it was offered to me I back-tracked after finding out more about him. I just wanted to keep dating a bit longer and see if it was viable, basically, because I did feel mainly spectatularly good in his presence and also when not, as he was contacting me always (without me having to prompt anything), and when we were together always made me the priority over anything and anyone else and it was very noticeable and a really cool feeling.
    I was prepared to give it a little more time to see if dealbreakers could be resolved and if this could develop.
    Alas he ran when I asked for more time. I can see why also, he explained to me before that he is afraid to fall in love and get disappointed. So he pulled the plug before falling for me, which is fair enough. It probably saved us both some disappointment.
    So all good really.
    I miss the attention though lol.
    Ah, it was nice.



  289.  #289Starla on January 7, 2013 at 10:08 am

    (((((((((Tam))))))))))



  290.  #290Starla on January 7, 2013 at 10:13 am

    light bulb moment!

    what feels so ‘off’ is that he’s not my CF (crack fix) anymore. i don’t need to pine or wonder when/where my next ‘fix’ is coming from with him. And that takes some of the sexy, desirable edge off of everything.

    i.e., MY problem, hehe.

    i don’t feel worried about this. it will take me some time to get used to having a reliable, stable lover that i also adore.



  291.  #291Tam on January 7, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Thanks Starla, ah it’s ok.
    After MrP nothing shakes me anymore. It’s sad but true.
    I am a sucker for a manly man though, especially one who gets all soft with me. Aw.
    Nevermind.
    I did manifest another ueber-alpha, perhaps that’s just more alpha than I can take…maybe I could feel good with someone who only has half the testosterone…it’s something to be explored. Haha!!



  292.  #292Femininewoman on January 7, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Yeah Starla. I too feel happy about the change from CF to QZ.



  293.  #293Shar Lean Way Back on January 7, 2013 at 10:27 am

    Tereana, I loved you commitment on money. I copied to save. Regarding feeling messages, they are not to “work” on someone else, they are strickly for you to learn to express and to get into the habit of going inside to determine what you “are” feeling and not either stuffing it or blaming them on someone else.



  294.  #294Starla on January 7, 2013 at 10:27 am

    Lori, did you see a while ago Mercedes’ visualization and how some of us started doing it? I will let Mercedes re-explain as she can probably describe it best, but that also helped tremendously. i really do credit mercedes inspiring me to meditate and visualize with my recent romantic landslide success.



  295.  #295Starla on January 7, 2013 at 10:29 am

    and dominique, and rori, and also the lovely miss arden leigh who is a more ‘girl go gets the guy’ coach.



  296.  #296Lori on January 7, 2013 at 10:46 am

    Mercedes, would you please explain what Starla means by the visualization? Thank you



  297.  #297candy on January 7, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Try to sharing. Great!



  298.  #298Dominique on January 7, 2013 at 11:04 am

    Starla – I don’t have the words aside from YAY!!!!!!

    xxoo



  299.  #299Smile on January 7, 2013 at 11:14 am

    Yey Starla!!! I feel so over the moon excited for you!!



  300.  #300Starla on January 7, 2013 at 11:19 am

    aw thanks, ladies:)



  301.  #301Smile on January 7, 2013 at 11:20 am

    285 FW and dominique

    I came to the blog tonight to talk about my recent realisation that Im not sure if I want to be married…
    I posted bits about this on the blog in the previous Thera which triggered a whole host of emotions for me.
    I’m trying to get clear on my non negotiables! I knowfor sure that I want children, 100% so a guy would have to be open to that and want it someday.
    Marriage feels like stress to me. Fw you wrote about girls wanting to be married only for the party… That’s the bit I definitely don’t want! I’m thinking how can I get married without that bit lol. Hmm but I love parties! I suppose I don’t want the pressure of feeling ‘when will he ask me to marry
    me!’ the reason I do want to be married is because I would want to have the same name as my children and there father. Mostly I care about creating a deep and loving relationship.



  302.  #302Starla on January 7, 2013 at 11:24 am

    Smile, thank you very much for sharing your thoughts on marriage. It feels so interesting to read other perspectives and helps me get clearer on my own desires 🙂



  303.  #303Dominique on January 7, 2013 at 11:31 am

    Smile – then this is where you need to put your focus and energy, into having the relationship you want, and this could change, many times even. the details will sort themselves out without you having to worry about any of it.

    xxoo



  304.  #304Lori on January 7, 2013 at 11:33 am

    Hi ladies,
    Would someone help me with the “visualization” process that Mercedes does? I’m really curious.



  305.  #305Starla on January 7, 2013 at 11:42 am

    Neither QZ nor I are certain we want children of our own. I could see us as foster parents or inviting a niece or nephew to live with us for the summer.

    what would feel really good is being in the kind of stable, loving marriage where if i did get pregnant, we could be happy about it. i don’t want to worry all the time about getting pregnant.

    i also keep having a vision of a friend/relative going to jail or dying, and adopting their child.



  306.  #306Starla on January 7, 2013 at 11:44 am

    Lori: I searched up her comment for ya:)

    “Back to the meditations. I really think you need to visualize yourself as totally and completely confident, happy, proud, all those good things you want more of.

    Picture: Genuinely smiling at her and at him without expectations or concerns when they don’t return it. You should see yourself genuinely smiling at EVERYONE so when they see you and you don’t see them, they’re stilling seeing this smiling, confident happy person.

    You’re so scared (projecting here so please correct me if I’m wrong) about how the next time you see him might go and that’s where you begin to feel powerless or embarrassed. You keep thinking and thinking and thinking about the different ways it could all play out and your focus is most likely on the worst possible outcome.

    Visualize you seeing him again and nothing happens. You smile, he smiles, she smiles and you all pass through the day happy.

    He talks to you again, he doesn’t she does, she doesn’t, you and she become friends, you dont, you and he grow your friendship, you don’t…none of it matters. What you should visualize is YOU being happy and cared for and loved by EVERYONE around you and whatever THEY do/say/feel/think really makes no difference to that happiness.

    Technical details: (haha!)

    I recommend visualizations like this twice a day starting with 5 minutes per session and then moving up to 10, ect until you can really focus on it for 30 minutes twice per day.

    While visualizing, sit straight up (excellent posture is critical) but make sure you also feel confortable (I have my yoga mat down with a zabuton on it and a zafu pillow on top of that – check my blog…several posts back…to see pictures of my meditation room. My legs are crossed and my butt is on the zafu with my knees on the zabuton. It doesn’t have to be like this though…roll up a towel and put it under your butt if you want). Keep your eyes open but fixed on a focal point of your choice. (I use the design on my yoga mat so my eyes are slighly lowered but I am careful to keep my head straight and facing forward…my head and neck are a straight line – imagine a string connecting the top of my head to the ceiling).

    Now…Breathe in through your nose, hold the breath for 3 seconds then out through your mouth…breathe out just a little bit longer than what feels comfortable then hold for three seconds and back in through your nose. When you feel comfortable and natural with the breathing, start with the visualization and allow the breathing to do what comes naturally while you focus on seeing yourself happy and confident. Sometimes you will continue to breathe the way I described above, sometimes you will not breathe “correctly” and visualize at the same time. That’s okay. It will come more and more natural to you over time.

    After a few days, you should start to see some results. After 30 days, you will be amazed. (My experience)

    “how can I shift my feelings from embarassment to acceptance and maybe even pride” – Follow the above steps and I think it will happen. It won’t happen right away so please don’t get discouraged but I believe it WILL happen.

    Oh…and set a timer. The last thing you want to do is check the clock in the middle of a meditation to see if your time is up. lol

    Also, it helps to picture yourself happy and confident even when you’re not actually meditating. I catch myself at random times throughout the day (sometimes even when I’m just hanging out on the couch watching a movie with J) and I’ll picutre myself as the most amazing woman EVER! 🙂

    Anyway…wow…had NO intention of writing a long and pretty complete meditation lesson here today. LOL!

    Enjoy it…I do!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes”



  307.  #307k2012 on January 7, 2013 at 11:52 am

    Starla -“instead of focusing on how bad he is for how he broke up with me and wouldn’t talk to me.” U know Starla, this sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. I am really learning a lot from u girls. So basically when u spoke to him, u didn’t attack him then for the way he broke up with u. That’s a good lesson for me re my disappearing ex. While trying REAL HARD not to focus on the fact-IF he calls, I keep thinking how I would deal with it if he does. And anan “attack” although I am no longer angry was the method I planned to employ, although I would do it assertive and not aggressive. But your method is a good method and I could learn a thing or two from u.



  308.  #308Starla on January 7, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    K2012 that’s awesome:)

    an attack would have been fine if i wasn’t interested in reconciliation or even just what he has to say.

    he addressed the issue on his own and brought a lot of remorse to the table. If he hadn’t done that eventually (I was thinking 2 or 3 weeks), I would have brought it up. I had to be patient. It was hard for me but it paid off really well.



  309.  #309Mercedes on January 7, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Starla: I’m so happy for you!!! I can take zero credit but I am very excited that meditation feels good to you and brought this into your life. It feels good to me too and I can’t even begin to count the blessings I’ve received because of my practice. I’m pretty sure I’ll be doing it all my life. I had a very amazing experience with it a few days ago. It was WONDERFUL! I’m expecting more and more of those as time goes on.

    And thank you for looking up that post for me! I read Lori’s comment and planned on doing the copy/paste but as I read down, you had already cared for it. 🙂 Much appreciated!

    Lori: I hope you do try meditation/visualization. I’ve been doing it for many years and it has truly changed my life. I’m in the process of taking it one step further and I’m working toward my instructor certification. That will be so cool!!

    I meditate twice a day (sometimes I skip a day here and there but mainly I stay pretty dedicated to it) and have started journaling with it (or right after it). That’s helping a lot too as I can then track patterns and notice the days it went really well vs the days my mind wandered or the dog wouldn’t quit barking or J accidentally interrupted me and I couldn’t get the focus back, etc. I can also then track how the rest of my day went because I use the same journal for meditation and for other stuff. That way, if I have a particularly good or bad day, I can see if that matches to a good or bad meditation (currently I’m at about a 75% match).

    I am soooo excited that so many women started a meditation practice recently and I hope, Starla, that you don’t quit. For me, this is like prayer…you don’t just do it when you need something, you do it all the time. 🙂

    FW: How is your practice going? I know you were loving it…does it still feel just as good to you?

    Other ladies…how are you doing with it? Are most of you still going along? Someday when I open my studio, you’re all invited for free group meditation with me. That would be so cool!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  310.  #310Lori on January 7, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Mercedes, I’m most definitely going to try it. I watch The Secret quite a bit too so am working on keeping my thoughts positive about what I want. 🙂 I know I need to work on being more in the moment. I think I know how he feels about me. His desiring space and not be in a relationship is so that he can heal, not because of me. I’m going to live my life and do what I want to do. 🙂



  311.  #311Smile on January 7, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    Starla, 301, I felt the pressure lift off me with the consideration this might not be for me after all… Who knows…?



  312.  #312Mercedes on January 7, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    Lori: This is the most we can ever ask of ourselves:

    “I’m going to live my life and do what I want to do.”

    YAY You!!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  313.  #313Starla on January 7, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Lori, just one little sneaky tip: while you’re ‘not together’ and he takes his space, you take a salsa class. it’s a little trick to keep you feeling good and to keep his possessiveness activated, as when he learns you’re going to salsa lessons he will have to imagine that men are dancing with you, asking you to dance, and that you’re getting even sexier than before with your new salsa dancing…

    😀



  314.  #314Smile on January 7, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    302, thank you dominique

    You helped me in some of your posts awhile ago to see that commitment can come in many forms.

    Also the guy I am dating with is separated. I really enjoy being with him and without having had the conversation yet and FW mentioned it to me also, I’m pretty much guessing he isn’t looking to be married again anytime soon, although who knows in the future.

    I know he is open to having children and wants a companion and to share property together.

    I’m working on getting clear what I want.

    He is going away for a month now. He’s going to email me while he is travelling. This man has a lot of hurt around his ex wife being unable to conceive.

    Wow I love the fear of the unknown!!



  315.  #315Lori on January 7, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    lol! You ladies are so funny! I had already started thinking about things I want to do. Salsa dancing and line dancing are at the top of my list. He loves my spirit and says that I am something else. I went skydiving a few months ago. ; p

    He says he’s not the jealous type but he noticed that one of my guy friends has a thing for me. He said he didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to appear as the jealous boyfriend. Hmmmm.

    When we talk I’m going to tell him how I’m feeling, let him know that I understand what he wants (his freedom to get his act together) and that in the meantime, I will be living my life and doing what I want to do.

    He is so, so busy, it’s his busy season. He’s in the sports industry. I really don’t think he would be taking time out to talk, if he really wanted us to be over. He’s not the type nor does he have the time.



  316.  #316Tam on January 7, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    Guess what, Curly is back. After everything. Quite the trooper, didn’t expect it anymore.



  317.  #317Starla on January 7, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Lori, my guy is sooo not the jealous type. it used to drive me crazy, as my usual tricks for generating jealousy (and a desire for exclusivity) only pushed him away. i like the salsa class idea for all women (i think all women should have a physical, sensual hobby that puts them in a light to be seen as desirable by lots of other men, even long into marriage). because it just makes competition a reality for them without it being a real jealousy ploy.

    me, i do belly dance, which doesn’t involve other men, but rather involves them LOOKING at me when i perform. Yesterday QZ actually offered to take me for salsa lessons so he could learn and take me dancing… i think he’s sensing that i will always want to feel desirable and sexy in my body and will do it with or without him. that or he just feels inspired to have some fun way outside of his comfort zone! either way, it’s awesome!



  318.  #318Tam on January 7, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    Complete with feeling messages, oh how interesting.
    So much for me opening up first. I mean, in theory it sounds easy and good and I totally get it…but when it comes down to it, I am not at all good with this ‘opening up’ business.



  319.  #319Lori on January 7, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    lol. Starla, I don’t think he normally is jealous. I wasn’t sure if he was or not. He has made comments about my friend crushing on me though. Not sure if it’s just an observation or if he doesn’t like it.



  320.  #320Tam on January 7, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    Instead of practicing to open up, I practiced ‘clamming up’.
    Yikes.
    I did.
    I feel amused about it though, mainly.
    At least I recognised it eventually.



  321.  #321ruth on January 7, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    ooooh, Tam
    Intriguing

    I love to dance but hardly ever do these days



  322.  #322Starla on January 7, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    tam, if he opens up first, even better! i love a proactive guy. they’re hard to come by!!



  323.  #323Lori on January 7, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    I’m looking forward to our talk. He has no problem with communication. Maybe it’s because I normally don’t. He told me he’s never been able to talk to a woman like he does me. Does that mean he feels safe? When he does talk, I pay attention and really listen.



  324.  #324Tam on January 7, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    321…ummh, Starla, yeah, he opens up first and second. I don’t know how many times he asked me for a relationship or whatever else…and I just said nothing.
    I was actually a little biatch if I look back.
    I could have at least communicated, saying nothing is kind of mean. And then friend-zoning. And then, when he thought at last he had me, wham!!
    I say ‘let’s start at the beginning and go back to dating casually’.
    He is a bit of a trooper, really.
    It’s endearing although the issues won’t go away, I suspect eventually I will have to open my mouth. or run again….lol



  325.  #325Starla on January 7, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    Lori, that’s great. You sound like a great woman:). Listening and paying attention to when a man speaks are not my strengths. I am always interrupting all excitedly. QZ notices this about me and figures i’m working on it (I am) so he’s very patient. He’s not much of a talker so I am really only screwing myself out of getting to know where he’s coming from better when I interrupt. I wish I were more like you!



  326.  #326Smile on January 7, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Hi tam!!
    I see mr curly is back…

    Clamming up… I noticed I did this tonight too. He shared some stuff and I didn’t know how to respond or what to say! I Just kind of lay there…
    🙁



  327.  #327Lori on January 7, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Thanks Starla, I think it’s important. He told me that he likes to talk to me. We may not have a lot of time but he does reach out to me. After we talk, I’m going to distance myself. If space is what he really wants, than I have to respect his wishes. It will be difficult as I want more with him but he has to initiate it. He knows this.



  328.  #328Starla on January 7, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    (((((((((Tam))))))))))))

    aw girl i really do believe in you though



  329.  #329Lori on January 7, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    Smile and Tam, that’s what I did a week ago when he told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship. I didn’t know what to say so didn’t say much at all. I’m being given a second opportunity to express how I feel. I’m getting it that I can’t be “wrong”. If he’s meant to be, he will be.



  330.  #330Starla on January 7, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    QZ is just so infatuated with me right now. Everything I say to him, he’s just like “OH MY GOD YOU’RE TOO CUTE!” He is in that “I love everything about you phase,” and I’m loving it and also feeling a little freaked out, as I always do with any guy that I can actually have. The chase and unavailability are very very attractive to me.

    I love that he’s in this phase, though, because he’s seen my ugly side from the 9 months we were together last year. So it feels sincere and not like blind lust.

    i know i’m basically spamming… sorry ladies. i’m excited and overwhelmed!



  331.  #331Lori on January 7, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    btw, last time I saw him I showed him the blanket I was crocheting him. He totally flipped out. Seriously, I never saw a man get so excited. He was totally amazed that I had this skill. He loved it and couldn’t wait for me to get it done to give it to him. He even called me to tell me how much he liked it and that’s when he said “you’re wife material”. Two days later, he didn’t want to be in a relationship and said he needs time to get his head on straight.

    I’m going to still give him the blanket as I believe in keeping my word.



  332.  #332Mercedes on January 7, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    Starla: I do this too… “I am always interrupting all excitedly.” And I am also working on it. 🙂 I think I’m getting better…a little better…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  333.  #333Tam on January 7, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    328, ha, thanks Starla!! Someone has to 😉



  334.  #334Starla on January 7, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    aw, lori, it sounds like from the blanket story that his feelings for you just got ‘real’ when he realized you really are wife material and it was a bit much for him, as he wasn’t expecting it and isn’t sure if he’s ready. this happens with certain men when you bake them a cake, or deliver homemade food to their workplace, etc., it can make them feel pressured and rushed even though that’s totally silly and we’re just doing nice things for them. and i’m so glad you’re not waiting on him… i have a feeling this man will be back when he realizes he left such a sweet woman on the market for someone else to swoop up!



  335.  #335Tam on January 7, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    Hi Smile!
    Nothing wrong, maybe he just wanted to share and did not expect you to respond?
    Sometimes when I feel like sharing something, when the other party just listens and doesn’t comment or respond, it feels soooo good, like I am totally heard. Maybe he experienced that? Who knows!
    Make up a good story 🙂



  336.  #336Turquoise on January 7, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    FW, your comment about me feeling powerful with the last two, maybe being a void I’m trying to fill, rather than a romantic relationship…. I don’t think so. I’m not a powerful needing kind of person. I’m pretty much an easy going, everyone do what makes them happy, keep life as stress free as possible type of person. I’ve always liked to listen and be supportive, so I do feel drawn to people who might want my support. Maybe that makes me feel powerful or important? I hadn’t really thought of it that way. But everything comes back to us and we do what feels good to us right? hmmm… something to ponder. 🙂

    One thing both Mr. C and Sweetheart have in common is that they are very very attentive. They text, call, etc. and are (or were with Mr. C. ) extrememly present in my life, and I really like that.

    I don’t have much time, but will get on later tonight to fill you in on my wonderful and full weekend. 🙂

    I did hear from Tom and Chemist, within an hour of each other Saturday, to see if I had plans. WHich, I did, a party with my sister. They keep popping back in, but neither of them is stepping up. So, not feeling anything for either of them. It was a good feeling to know I was thought of though.

    C texted me yesterday to talk about a few things and mentioned us getting a satellite radio program together. Nothing much else, except to text me later that night and say I’m a good mom and glad the girls were happy (in response to me saying I’d color tipped their hair)

    OHHHH…… While coloring my girls’ hair Saturday night, I gave myself a turquoise streak! I LOVE it!!!! 🙂



  337.  #337Lori on January 7, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Thanks Starla, I felt a little embarrassed by how excited he was. He said no one has ever done something like this for him before. He told me I was wife material twice and that if a guy wanted to settle down, he would choose a woman like me. Then he said that he needed to get his eating disorder under control first because I’m such a good cook, he’d weigh 300lbs. He’s a stress eater and is eating everything! The next day he said he was crazy about me. Then it was, I don’t want to be in a relationship

    I think he needs time to get his head on straight. He’s so stressed out. He said he hadn’t had much time from the bad breakup with his ex until me and then she was giving him a really hard time even up until a few weeks ago. He can’t move forward he said until he fixes himself and didn’t want to be selfish. He didn’t want me to miss out on an opportunity if I was waiting for him.

    I appreciate the sentiment but felt like I should have been given a choice. I do think he is a mess, stressed and unsure what he wants. I’ve done what I can, will talk and then back way off.



  338.  #338ruth on January 7, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Lori
    It does sound like he just needs time in the man cave for a bit

    Turq-can we see a pic



  339.  #339Lori on January 7, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    I think so too. He needs time to be himself and do what he needs to do. I care enough to give it to him. If he really feels the way he does, he will be back once he has it figured out.

    He even told me his greatest fear and it’s obvious to me that it is.



  340.  #340Smile on January 7, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    Tam, now that’s a good story to tell myself! Thank you!

    Has your post man been yet?????



  341.  #341ruth on January 7, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    You are right there Lori

    it will all be fine
    🙂

    (love the stuff about the blanket too)

    Really, you Sirens are inspirational
    Gives me hope



  342.  #342Smile on January 7, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Lori, 329- I like what tam wrote. Sometimes saying nothing is what’s needed! Rori says this too actually, just allowing yourself to feel.



  343.  #343Smile on January 7, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Hi Ruth 🙂



  344.  #344Memulo on January 7, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    But sometimes I think – how could he cross me out like this. Did I not have any meaning in his life at all

    Even a one -liner with ‘I’m sorry, I wish you all the best’ would have felt a lot more human



  345.  #345Iamabutterfly on January 7, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    *Llama butterfly making a random appearance*

    Ladies, some advice would feel great. I can tell SMC misses me and wants to “be friends,” but it makes me feel angry.

    He never speaks to me first when his gf is there, but when she’s not there, he always sits near me, stares at me, and lingers around to talk to me.

    I don’t want to be friends with him!

    I feel too much to be friends with him!

    and you know what?

    I don’t even want to date him, because his behavior is so shady!

    I just wish I could turn my hormones off when I’m around him.

    I lean back, and he like chases me! and I want to be like, “Dude, stay away from me! You have a girlfriend, who, according to you, you’re ‘getting really serious with.'”

    ug, I just feel annoyed and wish I could turn off my hormones.

    I wish he weren’t so big and masculine and chase-y.

    It’s hot.
    but he’s taken, and I want NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!



  346.  #346Iamabutterfly on January 7, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    I was with another guy, and he kept turning around to look at us.

    GRRRRRRRR.



  347.  #347Tam on January 7, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    Smile, I think your card got lost 🙁



  348.  #348Turquoise on January 7, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    Ruth are you on the facebook page? I’ll have to take a picture and log on 🙂 I haven’t been on there in forever, and my hair is extremely long right now. Not sure what to do with it!!! 😉

    I decided to focus on one concept/rule at a time. Receiving rather than over functioning and giving is a big one for me. I’ve cut wayyyyy back on the over functioning, but I’m really enjoying being on the receiving end now. I still feel kind of guilty, but trying to remember that making me happy makes them happy…. here is a text from last night from sweetheart, who spent the day at my house with me, my girls and I invited a friend, her husband and kids over. He stayed awhile after they left and I was feeling quite exhausted so he just massaged my feet and legs, played with my hair, snuggled me, got me drinks, while I happily received. Plus, he salted and cracked up the ice on my steps, which was actually quite awful and could have been dangerous. I really appreciated all of it. 🙂

    We were texting back and forth and I wrote this…

    Thank you so much for taking care of my steps. I really appreciate that, and it felt really good that it wasn’t something I had to worry about. 🙂

    SH – No problem about the steps. As long as I am there you will NEVER have to worry about stuff like that. No need to thank me either!
    As long as I’m around, I will take care of you and the girls to the best of my ability. I don’t want to jump the gun, but I like taking care of you… I like to rub you when you are stiff or have had a long day… I like to run my fingers through your hair just to help you relax. Taking care of you just feels natural to me…

    ME: You make me feel sooooo good when weare together. You rub away the stress and strain and makee me feel relaxed and safe. I love the way I feel when we are together. I do feel guilty though, I get so relaxed and don’t reciprocate enough. I want you to feel good too.

    SH: YOu make me feel just fine, don’t you worry about that. I’ll never pass up a shoulder rub though…lol. Seriously though, I’m glad I make you feel safe because you make me feel strong…. I told you this before I know. I also told you before, but I’ll say it again… you have made me feel like a man again… wasn’t really sure if that was possible again. Turquoise, you make me feel whole, you make me feel complete. I love… and truly cherish the time we get to be together.

    Me: That is so sweet and it makes me feel really wonderful to hear. No matter what happens with us, I’m happy to have made you feel good about yourself again. I think you are an amazing man with so much to offer. I hope no one ever knocks you down again.

    SH: Thank you for that. THose words mean more to me than you know. I will always, always hold them near to my heart. I see only positive things for us and a strong future. I hope you see the same!

    We went on awhile longer… but gets more personal. What do you sirens think? Are my feeling messages getting better? lol.



  349.  #349Smile on January 7, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    Lori, 337
    “I think he needs time to get his head on straight. He’s so stressed out. He said he hadn’t had much time from the bad breakup with his ex until me and then she was giving him a really hard time even up until a few weeks ago. He can’t move forward he said until he fixes himself and didn’t want to be selfish. He didn’t want me to miss out on an opportunity if I was waiting for him.”

    Have you read stuff from dominique around a mans healing heart…
    http://sexandheart.com/your-mans-healing-heart



  350.  #350Smile on January 7, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Tam, It was more the something else than the card :(I’ll take a photo of the one I received myself and send it to you when I’m home tomorrow



  351.  #351Lori on January 7, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    Hi Smile, no, I hadn’t read that but I’m going to read it right now. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!



  352.  #352Smile on January 7, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Turquoise, how wonderful, felt lovely to read.



  353.  #353Starla on January 7, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    turquoise, you’re doing great with the words you shared
    and you must be doing a great job of receiving cuz, woman, you made him feel like a MAN again. woohoo! you go girl!

    the world needs more women who make men feel like men again. our world won’t heal until our war against masculinity heals.



  354.  #354ruth on January 7, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    Turq, yes i am on Siren Island and Ruth is my real name
    I ddnt get a Siren name(my running/internet one is plodding hippo and has been for 10 years LOL)

    hello Smile
    🙂



  355.  #355Daria on January 7, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    Wow Turquise ! Feeling inspired by the words of appreciation … Yay I can appreciate more ! 🙂



  356.  #356Femininewoman on January 7, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    Mercedes it feels just as good. I have been focused on money and, success and surprisingly it has been coming in. I recently went back to some Mind Movies videos that have attracting a man included in it so I have just started really zoning in on it. Yesterday I really felt the image of the wedding deeply emblazoned in my cells. I feel my body vibrating at a higher level when I do guided visualizations with brainwave samples.



  357.  #357ruth on January 7, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    Turq
    I am tearing up reading about sweetheart and what he said
    How lovely

    feeling quite choked

    a good man



  358.  #358Tam on January 7, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Smile, aw how saaad 🙁



  359.  #359Mercedes on January 7, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    FW: YAY! I don’t do the guided ones much anymore but I used to a lot. Now I’m more focused on my studies so I do whatever the lesson plans call for at the time and if we’re not doing a lesson than I work on completely being still with sitting meditation and letting my mind go “blank”. I’m not good at that one yet but I did have a great experience with it the other day (I was able to “hear” what I should do – or not do to be precise). It was amazing. The clarity actually really showed up for me. 🙂 I don’t get to experience that very often and I was soooo at peace when I finished.

    This is super cool: “Yesterday I really felt the image of the wedding deeply emblazoned in my cells.” I love that feeling of such a deep knowing. WOW!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  360.  #360Lori on January 7, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    So I read the article about healing a man’s heart. He’s told me that I am different from any woman he has known, more mature. Life experiences I guess. I believe in living life to the fullest and enjoying it. I love life and he knows it. I make him laugh, listen to him and help if he wants it. (I’ve helped him with some business). I am a total overfunctioner! After I give him the blanket, I will be done. If he wants me, he knows where to find me.



  361.  #361Memulo on January 7, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    Starla even you have nothing to say to me. it’s just baaaaaaad;)



  362.  #362ruth on January 7, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    “war against masculinity”
    wow

    Not sure how I feel about that one
    Day to day as a woman in my career I am struggling with misogyny
    In the UK, we get paid les just because of our sex and you would not believe the stuff i have had to endure at work
    I know i have had to be in masc energy to get through it and progress
    but
    hm
    need to think



  363.  #363ruth on January 7, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    Memulo
    I so wish you could get over that man and move on
    xxx



  364.  #364ruth on January 7, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    And memulo
    no closure is hard, but sometines this is the way it is
    Hugs xx



  365.  #365Lori on January 7, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    This may sound weird. It feels weird to say it but I feel him. I feel like we are still connected and I feel strongly that he will be back after he has had some time. This in no way prevents me from living my life and doing what I want to do.



  366.  #366Starla on January 7, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    ruth i just felt inspired to write out my thoughts on my fb wall, you can read more about what i mean there!



  367.  #367Starla on January 7, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    memulo i dunno what to sayyyy
    hmmmm

    LOOK, A UNICORN!!!!!!!! *points*



  368.  #368Turquoise on January 7, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    Eek! Thanks sirens! I wasn’t sure what you’d think of all this. I know his life is kinda upside down, but he makes me feel really loved and taken care of. I’ve never had that before. So, I’m loving being loved 🙂 things will work out or they won’t, but this is amazing practice and it feels wonderful to be wanted exactly as I am. He compliments me often, in person, in text, tells me he misses me…. And, he’s quitting smoking because I hate it and he said he had wanted to for a long time, now he is motivated. He is on day 2 of the patch and I get up be supportive and encouraging which I love, and he appreciates. 🙂



  369.  #369ruth on January 7, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    Starla

    thank you
    I hear you
    and agree
    but it is hard to reconcile with my day to day Sh*te



  370.  #370Daria on January 7, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Cocking my head to the left opens up my heart and makes it tingle



  371.  #371Femininewoman on January 7, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    Oh gosh Turq that was a tear jerker for me. Almost have snot running down my nose. I loved the part where he says you make him feel like a man. Oh my heart 🙂 so beautiful



  372.  #372Starla on January 7, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    i understand, ruth. it’s an especially emotional issue for a lot of women. i first presented the idea of the war against men in college for my senior thesis to a room full of strong mexican women immigrants varying in age who have suffered a lot of sexism and have worked their butts off to be independent and successful.

    they made a stinkface throughout my whole presentation. when i was done, the floor opened up for comments. several of them raised their hand to comment that they didn’t agree.

    I asked them WHY. They couldn’t actually put it into words. They were just having an emotional reaction to millenia of abuse and victimization.

    i got an A+ on that thesis:)



  373.  #373Daria on January 7, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    I’m too humble to ask God for what I want which is that I want to be a streetwide boss hehe 🙂



  374.  #374Femininewoman on January 7, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    Not weird at all Lori. Keep focussing your attention to your heart space to get yourself clear



  375.  #375ruth on January 7, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    Yes Starla

    exactly so

    they were feeling years and years of abuse and that was coming out

    we do need to re equilibrate



  376.  #376Starla on January 7, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    aw turq, qz/cf is quitting smoking now too. Even if he doesn’t succeed, i think it’s so sweet that he’s trying to do this to better fit into my life. i quit over a year ago, and he was so supportive and never ever smoked around me or before seeing me so i wouldn’t smell it and be triggered into cravings.



  377.  #377Femininewoman on January 7, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    Memulo – Anything a person chases in life runs away.

    Sometimes a man deliberately won’t call to see how you’ll respond.

    I know you are spinning/spiralling right now so I believe your best option is to practice catching yourself. When your mind spirals with thoughts about him, catch yourself, shake yourself, then at least try to stop and choose another thought.



  378.  #378Starla on January 7, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    Memulo you can do much better than smartcd, honeY!



  379.  #379Femininewoman on January 7, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    Memulo I might be projecting here and please pardon me if I am. What is it that this man has that you don’t and want? What is the payoff or tradeoff of being with him?



  380.  #380Daria on January 7, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    Death n birth is separation.

    The process that severs life/time in flesh (flesh one of the elements) at the ceetain time separates mother n child creating life



  381.  #381Daria on January 7, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    To create is to sever . Creating completion. To live is to sever. Separate. Expand.life



  382.  #382Daria on January 7, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    My body is so sexy in every way. How is that possible?

    Bec even the parts that have smthn I want to change… Also have extremely awesome sexy parts about them

    Thank you God

    Body u are amazing

    I’m sorry you feel sad

    I know u like to be stroked and fuchked

    Lol 🙂

    I am working on it I promise

    I feel soooo guilty

    I love my guilt

    I feel sooo rushed/behind / not good enough

    What a familiar feeling.

    Body you deserve to feel happy awake and lived and confortable and mmmm just a moment after moment of delight for u



  383.  #383Turquoise on January 7, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    Thank you FW. Means a lot 🙂 he really is a sweetheart and expresses himself quite poetically. 🙂 his ex has been harsh, critical, and unemotional for years and years. He’s quite romantic, so my juicy sweet, feeling side is just extra oomph for him. The more I respond, the more he offers. He just texted that he can’t wait to cook for me and the girls. I finally am starting to get what it means to just let them care for you and receive it! 🙂



  384.  #384Daria on January 7, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    Something’s changed about my face now that I’m older. I look strikingly beautiful.

    What if I am, literally, overall in general the prettiest girl in the world.



  385.  #385Daria on January 7, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    I want to promote myself as that. I’m Marylin MonDaria



  386.  #386Daria on January 7, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    My mom wants me to have surgery to straighten my nose septum but I’m like no I’m rockin it like this.

    I wish I hadn’t got my gap tooth in braces too bad my pops told me at the end and I felt my chest cave now feeling sad I am not rockin the family gap

    Ima rock the family nose tho shd don’t like my uncle that have it



  387.  #387Daria on January 7, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    Having strong masculine energy is great for a finite woman like me, I can envision and create marvelous things and take excellent care of me to have a wonderful life. Thanks dad.



  388.  #388Daria on January 7, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    Smthn ima practice is to think/say ‘boy hat’ everytime I “check” somebody

    Right now me writing this is boyhat.

    I live my boyhat too.

    My man lives my boyhat but not challenging him. Hehe.

    Such a cute smart girl I am now that was girl hat says boyhat says girl hat 🙂



  389.  #389Tam on January 7, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Urgh. So I am going to re-set this Curly thing going on. He’s a clever man and understood…he is asking me out rather than assuming to come here to my place or inviting me to his. I feel heard.
    Now, it’s up to me to actually be a bit brave and speak my truth, or at least start with a little baby step part of it and see how far I get.
    When I read all your guys comments on what’s happening with your men etc I must say that I feel embarrassed for having discounted him so quickly because really, he is a very nice man.
    So some of your guys are smoking and you don’ t like it and so on, well I am so gung ho, I just run at the slightest thing rather than talking it through.
    When I read Turquoises account there, well Curly has been soing/saying all those things more or less word for word to me too…so part of it all was perhaps the fact that I see dealbreakers (but I don’t even know the full story yet), and part perhaps my commitment phobia.
    I have to ask myself some painful questions…how come I have been single for so long, despite having had one or two very good men in my path? I had marriage proposals that I turned down (for good reasons…or were they? could things have been talked through/resolved?). I wasted 2 years on and off with a commitment phobe because we were like twins in that department as well as many others. We kept each other nicely off balance.
    I ask myself: why do I find running so easy and talking so hard?
    Old old patterns, formed in childhood, memories of running into my room and locking the door and holding my ears shut when people were arguing. Hiding away. Keeping quiet. Never expressing my feelings, as it was not safe as everybode else was already usually unhappy and upset.
    So there we are.
    I know all this.
    I know what I have to do.
    I have to open my mouth.
    Why is that so bloody hard then????



  390.  #390Daria on January 7, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    Because the 6 second eye gaze is so hard for me… Mostly cuz my heart opens up and I actually engage/connect am real and it feels so whoa like we’re both 5 and uncomfortable/curious/wowed/embarassed

    I’m gonna practice it w trees. I love tress enuf to kiss them and I don’t feel intimidated by them or connecting w them.

    Yay D!

    This will help me get used to connecting w beings.



  391.  #391Tam on January 7, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    I feel like screaming, really.
    I feel like screaming all those screams I should have screamed when I was 8 and hiding and silent and creeping around everybody.
    Now I am an adult and I can speak my mind and nobody is going to chastise me for it. They may not like it but I can do it, I am safe.
    I don’t need to bottle it all up and release it like an erupting volcano…and I don’t need to silence my feelings and thoughts and worries and run from a man.
    NO.
    So my conclusion is that it is so much easier just being alone. So where so I go from here, when my comfortable state is hiding alone in my 16th floor fortress where I am safe.
    Jeez, I have a lot of work to do.
    Feels exhausting before I even start.



  392.  #392Daria on January 7, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    (((((((((Tam))))))))

    Go Tam! *tears



  393.  #393Daria on January 7, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    I’ve been crying more than usual and just realized!

    crying cleanses/cycles/excretes/circulates/moves/flows/pumps my Hormones !

    Wow no wonder



  394.  #394Daria on January 7, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    Thanks body.

    You Are a miracle! *awe

    You DO know how to live life without my help.

    Ong.

    Will u live it for me ?

    Ong.

    Thanks body.

    Crying.



  395.  #395Tam on January 7, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    Thank you Daria, I shed some tears earlier too. I guess it needed to come out. I am still numbing a lot but getting better…phew.
    Good luck to me…I have a lot of growing to do…la te daaa 😉



  396.  #396k2012 on January 7, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    Memulo my dear, I can totally identify what u are going through. I feel the same way too. There is another post that u wrote rersponding to me . I will soon answer that one but u are going through the EXACT thing I am going through namely closure. “I’m sorry, I wish you all the best’ would have felt a lot more human.” If its even to say “I am sorry,” trust me Memulo it would give us closure, trust me. Hairdresser/relationship counsellor with the spiritual gift says he is not going to apologize. Feminine Woman told me that I shouldn’t expect him to apologize so I suppose that advice might go for both of us. Because of the fact that we are focused on an apology,maybe if we are not careful it will prevent us from moving on. FW also said I couldn’t make him apologize. Of course I am quite aware of that. An apology has to come from the heart. A male friend said to me that it doesn’t seem like I have gotten over him. I told him I have gotten over him but he said that it seemed like I wanted closure. I told him I gave myself closure by deleting him (disappearing ex) from my facebook page. So I am giving u this advice. Give yourself closure. Did u delete his contact information already? Are all photos deleted from your camera? Printed pictures torn up? Looking forward to hear from u.



  397.  #397Daria on January 7, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    My body knows how to live life and all I know how to do is think.

    Whoa.

    I feel not good enough. I feel judgemental of myself.

    I love myself. I love all of myself. All of myself. Even this part. That’s writing. I love all of myself. There’s a part of me thats scared to be loved. I ca. See you running around all
    the other parts hiding. I love you. I’m so sorry for your pain. I am here to love you. I want to be friends with u. I want to be intimate with you. I feel scared. Here’s a rose for you. Thank you for Snelling my rose. I feel so odd. I want a hug. That would feel so good.

    Wow. I just did the coolest stranger exercise ever. I felt so many feelings in my chest in my body. Some of the familiar Peak feelings of my life!

    Wow it felt so amazing when my stranger reached out to hug me.

    I mean I did f know if that would happen. And then the arms were there… It felt like being embraced by a lover for the first time . Omg u guys I felt so much.

    Wow.

    I feel so awed and excited and I told the stranger all my feelings.

    Nmmmm and it felt huge like huuuuuuuge.

    I am now always in contact w my No Name stranger that might run from love and lives between the other me’s.

    This feels so deep. I feel excited to write stories to share the experiences.



  398.  #398Daria on January 7, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Copying other kids or tv (voices in my head)
    That boy hat.

    Girl hat doesn’t do that

    Boy hat is doing it to help girl hat feel better and get her feeling more connected to people and more laughs and smiles and attention from adults

    Thanks boy hat

    I feel sad

    Aww. Yes I felt sad at that time.

    I love my sadness.

    Thank you for feeling it.

    Thank you sadness.

    For showing me how much I loved what I loved and that I loved what I lived and now I desk curious to look to see what I loved 🙂

    And feel inspired to give myself what would feel good if something would that comes to mind and something should ciz something will



  399.  #399Lori on January 7, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    K2012, ladies, I would be interested in knowing your thoughts on my guy, if he will be back once he gets his head cleared and on straight, comes out of his man cave, so to speak.



  400.  #400Violette on January 7, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    Yuck, I slept with C last weekend. I didn’t like it. I was hoping I would, and we’ve been dating almost 2 months, and I liked kissing him, and he’s been attentive and romantic, and then the day after I felt sick to my stomache!!
    He said things like, looking at my body, “I’m so lucky,” and “I was beginning to think I’d forgotten how to do this,” and he said I had nice feet, then assured me that he had seen some ugly feet basically. Those things all made me feel like a piece of meat or something.

    I feel sad around it, because we have plans to go to the theater on Wed and then we’re going out of town next weekend, and he’s nothing but sweet to me, and I care about him but I don’t want to sleep with him again.
    I thought of saying next time I see him that I got ahead of myself and need more time physically, but I feel ridiculous because there is another guy that I do want to sleep with, and it’s a flat out lie!

    Do I have to break up with him? I’m feeling panicked. Any thoughts?



  401.  #401Dominique on January 7, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    Lori – 399 – No one can predict this. He will, or he won’t, so you continue to work on yourself, expanding and healing yourself, filling your life up with people and activities you love, and if he’s the man for you, he will come back. If not a better one will step up to claim you.

    xxoo



  402.  #402Dominique on January 7, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    Violette – Seems to me he was trying to express appreciation for you. It may have been awkwardly done, and it may not have been exactly what you wanted, yet men are very visual, more so than most women. I think he was being rather lovely.

    xxoo



  403.  #403Tam on January 7, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    Violette, kind of agree with Dominique, but only you know what feels right to you. Personally, I experienced something pretty similar just now and felt turned off also. That and the dealbreakers. I decided to re-set it and start again to see if it was my own fear of intimacy killing this, or whether it just isn’t right. You expressed going back to dating without sex. If he is otherwise pleasant I’d do that…but if you feel uncomfortable then maybe he is just not right, who knows.
    I’d go with my feelings….



  404.  #404MovingMagic on January 7, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    I’ve decided to set an intention for this week, making it a point to focus on feeling supported by all people/the universe. I fell asleep last night meditating on it, & woke up feeling much lighter. I’ve done more of the same today. I’ve recieved messages from friends all day, & ran into another friend while food shopping. I’ve started the ball rolling with a dance performance. One of my little 4 year old,students told me I look beautiful…awww kids!! I do feel so supported!



  405.  #405Ulii on January 7, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    @261 Starla

    Over last weeks I have had possibilities to have only glimpses of your reuniting-story with QZ, but all I see seems wonderful. I feel really happy for you! 🙂



  406.  #406Ulii on January 7, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    @ Tam 389, 391

    Wishing you all the luck!
    Glad Curly is back.
    I see so much of myself in your childhood pictures and also about the difficulties to do the talking when it´s really needed.
    But I believe you are really on the right path already!
    (((Tam)))



  407.  #407Ulii on January 7, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    @ 348 Turquoise

    I was melting reading this. This is so beautiful, both what he is saying and how you´re responding. Really inspirational. 🙂



  408.  #408Tam on January 7, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    Thank you Ulii 🙂



  409.  #409Annie on January 7, 2013 at 5:16 pm

    Violette 400 doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or feels about what he did and said did etc. They are not you. All that matters is how you felt in his presence and what you want. You clearly stated how you felt by those comments and what you now want. It is your unique journey to find out how you feel and what you want. “Yuck, I slept with C last weekend. I didn’t like it. I felt sick to my stomache!!
    He said things like, looking at my body, “I’m so lucky,” and “I was beginning to think I’d forgotten how to do this,” and he said I had nice feet, then assured me that he had seen some ugly feet basically. Those things all made me feel like a piece of meat or something.

    “I feel sad around it, because we have plans to go to the theater on Wed and then we’re going out of town next weekend, and he’s nothing but sweet to me, and I care about him but I don’t want to sleep with him again.”

    Hugs. Trust your instincts and your feelings. Above all else be true to thine SELF! Not how other people believe they would feel if they had this said to them, they are not you. X



  410.  #410Ulii on January 7, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    And I feel glad to notice Memulo is back on the blog!



  411.  #411Annie on January 7, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    Just because someone is sweet and we care about them on some level it doesn’t mean we have to sleep with them if it feels yuck and sicky to us and we don’t want to.

    If we don’t want to sleep with someone because it didn’t feel good to us, that’s it, plain and simple. we don’t want to and it doesn’t feel good! And we want to feel good. X



  412.  #412Ulii on January 7, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    @Memulo
    About closure. I would prefer a guy who is capable of giving the closure to me. Although I have to accept some men aren´t or weren´t that moment when I needed. But I must distach that from myself and not feel bad about myself because of their stuff.
    I believe nobody else can take our dignity away from us if we don´t give it away.

    I have been left hanging without any warning and later been ignored. And it was painful… For a long time. Until one day it was ok again. I realized he was just one man who had issues that moment. It wasn´t anything about me.

    I believe it had been quicker to get over him if there would have been closure from his part. But it also showed me a kind of man he was then. Somebody not able to handle it (me & the relationship) well. So he wasn´t good for me anyway.

    After that I have had experiences where I get the closure. And the lesson for me is to appreciate that and see the quality of men rising in my life.



  413.  #413Dominique on January 7, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    And sometimes we can totally misjudge someone and miss out on someone very sweet, maybe even your “the one” because we are caught up in our fears and expectations.

    xxoo



  414.  #414Ulii on January 7, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    @411 Annie

    I really agree.



  415.  #415Ulii on January 7, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    Although attraction can grow, and what doesn´t feel good one moment could feel good another moment.



  416.  #416Tam on January 7, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    Dominique…yep. Perceptions and making up stories and assuming the worst are all blocking what could be something good. Might not be but could be. If we don’t take a little risk then we end up alone as nobody is perfect either….and I am someone who feels quite happy alone but all this blocking and assuming and not letting things unfold and not giving the benefit of the doubt won’t get anybody anywhere – not just with men btw.



  417.  #417Ulii on January 7, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    But I really believe in that if that special moment I don’t feel like sleeping with someone, then I won’t push myself to do it just to overcome my fear… And if it’s the one who would be “my guy” at the end, then I hope this wouldn´t push him away.



  418.  #418Ulii on January 7, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    Although.. I have pushed men away in my younger days because I was terrified of even only kissing. One day I just decided have to start kissing the guys eventually, so after some awkward testing, I got comfortable about it. Now I love kissing and feel even excited about any new man to kiss. A bit like anadventure. Then there are few I really enjoy doing it with. MotoCD was one of them. 🙁 (Sigh!)..



  419.  #419Ulii on January 7, 2013 at 5:44 pm

    @Violette

    I would maybe try to look into why I felt so bad? Was it only about the comments or the sex itself didn´t feel good.



  420.  #420Annie on January 7, 2013 at 5:44 pm

    415: UliiNo says:

    Although attraction can grow, and what doesn´t feel good one moment could feel good another moment.

    Feel in total agreement. If it doesn’t feel good in that moment though it feels best to me to honor my authentic feelings and not ignore or abandon them. T



  421.  #421Annie on January 7, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    It is my belief that If we settle for what we do don’t want we block out what we do want showing up.

    And if something does not feel good and I don’t want it feels best to me to speak my truth and take 100 % responsibility for my own feelings and STOP doing what doesn’t make me feel good, rather than trying to pretend and arguing with reality not trusting myself and ‘trying’ to make it feel good because other people think and believe they would feel good if it were them.



  422.  #422Ulii on January 7, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    @Annie 420

    Yep, I agree again. 🙂

    “If it doesn’t feel good in that moment though it feels best to me to honor my authentic feelings and not ignore or abandon them. ”

    @Violette

    But as this was done. So now..hm.. I would try to talk with this guy and be honest about my feelings. So if there is anything that made you feel bad, I’d comment about it. And wouldn´t sleep with him again until I feel like it, but not closing myself totally to that option.
    But, If the problem is that there is really no attraction & you don´t feel there´s possibility of it growing, then I would consider breaking up.



  423.  #423Violette on January 7, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    Annie, Ulii, Dominique, Tam thank you for your input.

    I feel sad around this, just a lot of sadness. Glad I’m not seeing him til Wed.

    I think some of the panic around it is also because another Cd, D called last night to tell me that the reason he hadn’t been calling more and attempting to see me more was that he wondered why I wasn’t stepping up more, calling him and such. I told him I was old fashioned and felt more comfortable being called, and he said he was more into relationships that just start up and go quickly. I said I like to be courted and he said it felt artificial. It was a really uncomfortable conversation, but it also made me think, because C also asked why I never call him (I’ve been dating them both 1.5 months or so.). So now I feel like men just don’t know I don’t like them because I lean back to much?

    And I wonder if that’s why J disappeared after coming on so strong the last time I saw him, and if I should call him?

    Also all this trying to sleep with only one man at a time, and I really want to sleep with D!! Although he said he was put off that I’d wanted to go slowly physically, which concerns me.

    I feel freaked! I’m glad to be cding, but it would be so much easier to be seeing only one guy at a time on some levels.

    I think this comes down to learning what my needs are and putting them first, but it feels absolutely terrifying.



  424.  #424Annie on January 7, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    413: Dominique says:

    “And sometimes we can totally misjudge someone and miss out on someone very sweet, maybe even your “the one” because we are caught up in our fears and expectations.

    xxoo”

    At the end of the day, it matters not how they meant it. It is how we felt about ourselves in that persons presence and if we are being loved the way we want to be.

    Our feelings are not a misjudgment. If we feel Yuck and sick we feel yuck and sick!
    No judgment. Just our own unique feelings which belong to us and us alone.



  425.  #425Annie on January 7, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    “I think this comes down to learning what my needs are and putting them first, but it feels absolutely terrifying.”

    Hugs. X Hope you feel better about it soon.



  426.  #426Ulii on January 7, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    (..continues…)

    So, actually it is about the WHY you felt bad sleeping with him… Is there anything he can do that you´d feel good after all, or there just isn´t enough “there”…

    I myself just few time back had a CD I was not really attracted to, but as he treated me nicely & at that moment there was nobody else seriously around, I let myself to get quite intimate with him. It didn´t feel bad, but it definitely didn´t feel “there” at all. It was all half-wired and I knew I want to feel something more than that. So I didn´t keep practicing opening up physically with him anymore. It felt wrong for both of us.

    I friend-zoned him.



  427.  #427Ulii on January 7, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    ((((Violette))))

    Yep, leaning back is puzzling. I guess I have lost some guys because of it. But also maybe because I have not appreciated enough or being verbal about my positive feelings. Still, I feel hopeful the right guy sticks around.



  428.  #428Annie on January 7, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    416: Tam

    “Dominique…yep. Perceptions and making up stories and assuming the worst are all blocking what could be something good. Might not be but could be. If we don’t take a little risk then we end up alone as nobody is perfect either….and I am someone who feels quite happy alone but all this blocking and assuming and not letting things unfold and not giving the benefit of the doubt won’t get anybody anywhere – not just with men btw.”

    I feel suprised by this statement I didn’t observe anyone making up stories and assuming. What I observed was someone expressing authentic feelings and some people questioning another persons authentic feelings stating that because they believed they wouldn’t have felt that way in those circumstances and making up reasons and guessing why a particular man would say things completely negating the real womans feelings who this really happened to, This was her experience and her feelings. And to read that happening on here to another woman felt absolutely awful.



  429.  #429Luzydel on January 7, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    thinking of taking some enrichment classes… just wondering what would be good for me. Writing, photography?

    All this time I have been focusing on men, relationships, dating, being hurt etc. I am not closing myself to love; I am just not doing what others tell me is the best way to get it. I am following my gut feelings and I feel turned off by dating and the hypocrisy it involves.

    There is no magic on how you meet someone; you just do. I d not need to have lots of men around me to feel valuable. I know I am even if no one notice me.



  430.  #430Tam on January 7, 2013 at 6:15 pm

    All I say is that if I had been so rigid and closed and expecting the perfect man to show up who does and says all the right things 100% of the time and makes me feel good 100% of the time, where nothing whatsoever irritated me – then I would stil be a virgin and have missed out on 2 beautiful relationships. Instead of being alone and bitter I choose to stay open and curious and not always expect the negative just because a guy doesn’t come in the perfect package with a pretty bow and a card that says ‘yours only forever’.
    Unrealistic expectations are just as bliss-blocking as being attracted by someone purely on chemicals/looks. My view.
    We don’t live in lala land. We live in reality.
    Living in lala land is being emotionally unavailable, like MrP who is still waiting for his perfect model woman with perfect intelligence and everythibg else. Meanwhile he is anything BUT perfect himself – and still alone. No surprise there.
    In other news, Chubby Austrian is on the case.



  431.  #431Annie on January 7, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    I don’t want to guess what a man meant by his words.
    I want to trust and respect my gut and my own feelings.
    And believe other womens authentic feelings when they express them not question and negate them or make them wrong.



  432.  #432Tam on January 7, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    And I am talking from my own experience…not anyone elses. I am not negating anybody’s feelings, and have no intention of doing so.
    I am just processing and trying to learn from my mistakes.
    I believe everyone to act in their own best interests in any given situation.
    Merely saying that men also sometimes deserve the benefit of the doubt…and sometimes someone whom we grow to like might be a better option than the one who looks and feels perfect – there is no such thing.
    I couldn’t sleep with someone unless it all felt right either, and wouldn’t want to. Hence my back-tracking with Curly.



  433.  #433Annie on January 7, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    Wow Tam I feel curious are those judgmental words aimed at me?
    Rigid? Closed? Alone? Bitter?
    Or at Violette?
    Or Mr P?
    As if they are aimed at me I really do not want to be attacked so
    I feel best to leave you alone with your projected judgmental thoughts as they have nothing to do with me. Although I may have triggered them in some way.



  434.  #434Femininewoman on January 7, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    Dominique I know about misjudging someone and missing out. Our thoughts can create feelings that hold us back.



  435.  #435Tam on January 7, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    Men have different ways of expressing and are wired differently. Should we expect them to be psychics and being able to read our minds? Sometimes talking/clarifying and listening, rather than feeling offended or whatever, clears up communication misunderstandings. Annie, do you expect a man to read your mind and guess how you perceive his words? Is this realistic?



  436.  #436Femininewoman on January 7, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    Tam I like your process. I say go for it. Other people’s opinions of you don’t matter.



  437.  #437Tam on January 7, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    Annie, those words were about my recent experience, actually, and how your words sound like the opposite direction into what I want to grow in. My perception of them. Harsh, unaccepting and pushing everything away. They feel bad and really like coming from my fearful and emotionally unavailable closed self. Thank you for the trigger, was timely. Whoa.



  438.  #438Tam on January 7, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    Hey FW, thanks! Yep!! Time to bite the bullet, doing the uncomfortable and speak authentically. There are 3 different things that bother me about Curly and me if we were together. If I only manage to bring up one tomorrow, without running or friend-zoning him straight away, I’ll have achieved something. Authentic babysteps…phew. Test run for a relationship with whomever…being able to solve conflict without clamming up: vital!!



  439.  #439Annie on January 7, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    I am perfect in all my imperfections.
    And I don’t want Mr perfect as he does not exist.
    I want Mr perfect for me who has his imperfections that are tolerable and not deal breakers for me.
    The best soul match for me.
    I would rather be alone than settle and be with the wrong person for me.



  440.  #440Annie on January 7, 2013 at 6:36 pm

    Tam.
    “My perception of them. Harsh, unaccepting and pushing everything away.”

    Your projected thoughts are your mirror and nothing to do with me.



  441.  #441Annie on January 7, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    435: Tam says:

    “Men have different ways of expressing and are wired differently. Should we expect them to be psychics and being able to read our minds? Sometimes talking/clarifying and listening, rather than feeling offended or whatever, clears up communication misunderstandings. Annie, do you expect a man to read your mind and guess how you perceive his words? Is this realistic?”

    Nope I speak my truth.
    So if I felt sick and Yuck and like a piece of meat, that is what I would express. I would be clear direct and authentic.



  442.  #442Annie on January 7, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    And if I didn’t want to continue sleeping with a man because I felt sick or Yuck I would STOP sleeping with him but that’s me.

    Someone else may feel it best to do something differently. Their choice and their journey.



  443.  #443Annie on January 7, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    We are not able to say Yes to what we do want until we first are able to say no to what we don’t want.
    So in vilottes case she has clearly stated she does not want to sleep with this man again as she felt Yuck and like a piece of meat in his presence.

    Way to go Violette, the first baby step towards getting what you do want.



  444.  #444Tam on January 7, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Annie, I don’t get it. Where and when did anyone say, on this blog, that we should/might want to sleep with a man when it doesn’t feel good to us? Please enlighten me. I missed it.



  445.  #445BeLoved on January 7, 2013 at 7:03 pm

    421

    “It is my belief that If we settle for what we do don’t want we block out what we do want showing up.”

    Annie please just keep saying that a hundred million times until it sinks in all the way through for me, please! 😀

    C and I were hugging today and after, when he walked off all hot and bothered, I was thinking, “I don’t want to be used to torture you anymore. I feel bored with this.”

    I wrote out a spell and added to the la Santasima Muerte altar, it feels better and better to me. I acted out some dream stuff featuring C with friends and WOW they did a great job, it’s so wild how you can not know somebody whatsoever but once one of us decides to step in as a proxy, we can totally BE that person. She pushed every frickin’ button he does but she did it using a giant teddy bear (so I could slap at it, not her, haha) but something happened and next thing I know I’m hugging and comforting the teddy bear and bawling….it’s like manchild got my maternal feelings all stirred up…oh, I see, how brilliant!
    My maternal feelings would get all stirred up but when I would reach for C (or T, or B…) they would avoid, dance away. Having my friend stand in using the teddy bear allowed for a completion of the movement.
    Cool.

    Too funny, she apologized because she felt like she had gone too far, and I was like…”You couldn’t be this character if you weren’t busting boundaries!”

    Thank you, BeLoved, for getting up so early and doing yoga.
    Our legs feel so good, so light, our back feels lighter, it feels so much easier to bend and to move!!!
    Thank you!
    Thank you for going to Nia even when we didn’t feel like it, we feel so much stronger and more alive now!
    Thank you for not getting fast food on the way home!!
    Thank you for not trying to get in the last word with the internet guy who we didn’t connect with very well and wasn’t very kind with our vulnerability!
    Thank you for feeling your feelings and letting it go and trusting what we need will come!
    Thank you for getting off the blog and going to bed now!!!

    Muah!
    I love you, BeLoved!
    Sweet Dreams!



  446.  #446Louise on January 7, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    I miss my husband.



  447.  #447Indigo on January 7, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    Mercedes 246

    It is a beautiful thing – this really beautiful feeling washes over you when you assert your power in this way, and it’s totally unexpected. It’s a beautiful thing when you take responsibility for your own happiness. Like you, I would have felt guilty for doing it in the past, but spending time really loving on myself made it quite easy. But thank you to you, as I say I learned from how you handled the situation with J!

    And thank you, re: the car accident. I just had a couple of minor cuts and bruises, quite miraculous really. Feel very fortunate, and it was a lesson to me!

    xxx



  448.  #448Indigo on January 7, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    CurvySiren 248

    Thank you so much 🙂 I feel very touched and warmed by your words. I truly feel as if I am “feeling” the power of leaning back, and have been doing it unceasingly since the beginning of the new year. And thank you, yes, it felt so good not to argue or fuss, but just to hold my boundary. It felt beautiful.

    Thank you about the car accident, as I said to Mercedes, I feel so very fortunate I was not hurt. I am amazed you had a car accident during your time apart with your ex… the synchronicities do seem to be incredible? But I believe the universe works like that.

    xxx



  449.  #449Violette on January 7, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    Again thank you Annie and Ulii for your input, and Tam, although, I’m not sure if those posts were meant for me, but the point is it feels so nice that there are women on this blog who get it…who are out there going for it.

    I really don’t want to sleep with C again. I’ve never regretted not sleeping with someone who didn’t do it for me…and at the same time, I don’t want him to go away. He cares for me in a way I haven’t experience in so long…I don’t want to dissect why I don’t like him sexually now…I just want to trust it.

    I guess it’s time to grow up! Ahh!!! I have to trust that if he is worth it he will continue to wait. And that if I want to sleep with D that’s ok too. I think I’ll avoid any sexual exclusivity conversations with them though…

    And if it turns out I’m sleeping with two guys at the same time, it’s not the end of the world. This isn’t life or death here. It’s a fearless exploration of myself.



  450.  #450Memulo on January 7, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    Thank you everyone so much for answering me. I just got home from work and see so many responses!

    FW, to answer your question – on one hand he was like a sincere innocent child sharing every detail of his thinking process and his perception of life was just like mine when I was a young girl.. at the same time he was super smart and seemed to have exactly the same values as me, the way things should be, like I learned them at age 6. Everything he said or almost all of it was spot on for me.

    I don’t know how to explain it and you’re right that I spiral and should be stopping myself. Just when I think of a ‘never’ word it feels unreal.

    My CD is very nice to me and says and does all the right things and it makes me feel calm and content and relaxed, but does it make me happy



  451.  #451Memulo on January 7, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    Starla I don’t know if I can do better



  452.  #452k2012 on January 7, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    “an attack would have been fine if i wasn’t interested in reconciliation or even just what he has to say”. Starla -308. Well, well Starla. 98 percent of me is not interested in reconciliation. I am not saying I don’t forgive. As a christian, I NEED to forgive. I have ALREADY forgiven him. But forgiving a man, don’t necessarily mean that u want him back. U could forgive him and still move on (of course not necessarily meaning that there is a new man, but move on as u know can mean u are focusing on your own life and meeting new men. So 98 percent of me don’t want him back so that is why if he was to call, I was planning to launch an attack in assertive way. As a matter of fact, before I forgave him, I was planning not to answer the phone if I see him calloing. Then afterwards, I realized that because he is overseas, he would most likely be calling from a calling card if he was to call. Since I forgive him now, I said that if he calls I would talk to him. He ATTEMPTED to call 2 times using a calling cards as a friend residing in the same country as him told me that the numbers were calling card numbers. He hang up before I could get to answer. 2 percent of me now wants a reconnection. I was shocked when FW told me that cause its true. Even though I want to ‘attack’ a little piece of me was hoping to reconnect. FW hit the nail on the head. But as I told Feminine Woman, I am not following my mind cause although I have forgiven him for what he did to me, hairdresser/relationship counsellor with the spiritual gift says that he is a player and the number of women he use……………. She said he was searching and is a player using women from left right and centre. Hairdresser is accurate till its frightening. Everything she said about my sister’s boyfriend turns out to be true. So I am listening to her. No reconciliation there. Based on what she has told me, it wouldn’t make any sense. FW said an attack would basically run him away so if u had done that bearing in mind that u wanted him back,that would not be a wise move.



  453.  #453Indigo on January 7, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    CurvySiren

    Correction: he’s not your ex any more 🙂



  454.  #454Indigo on January 7, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    Lori

    I feel so intrigued by your story! I just wanted to wish you all the best for your talk today!



  455.  #455Indigo on January 7, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    I feel that giving a man space and going and taking care of ourselves is a really good idea.

    Leaning back is where it’s at 🙂

    I could feel how D loves me in the way he kissed me on Sunday night, this is my favourite way to feel that he loves me. And wouldn’t let me go.



  456.  #456Emerson on January 7, 2013 at 10:35 pm

    429 luzydel that sounds good.. Photography is awesome! So much fun and creative…



  457.  #457Emerson on January 7, 2013 at 10:38 pm

    Hi dancing Siren thank you for your kind words



  458.  #458Tereana on January 7, 2013 at 10:43 pm

    Mercedes – I just read what you wrote in #118. That’s so cool!! I’m honored that something I wrote hit home for you 🙂 Wow.

    Yes, the Universe does lead us to the right people at the right time. That feels awesome : )



  459.  #459Tereana on January 7, 2013 at 10:57 pm

    Shar Lean Way Back – thanks for your comment in 293. And that’s a good point. FMs are not supposed to “work” in that they are not intended to get any particular result from the other person. So maybe I should clarify.

    What I meant was that they would “work” in the sense that they would communicate to the other person what it is you are feeling inside. Communication is a 2-way street. Some people are better able to “receive” feeling messages, and some are not. The same way some of us are better at “receiving” love, and some are not as good. So we can work on ourselves to become better receivers and better communicators. But we can never control what goes on at the other end, for the other person. – which was exactly my point. We cannot control whether someone else is capable or willing to receive a feeling message. But we can control whether we give the feeling message or not. To me, sending a FM to another person is not just a perfunctory maneuver. It is gold. It is “pearls.” Imagine throwing your pearls before swine, and ask yourself if you want to do that.

    My personal philosophy is that feeling messages are very useful, and I will use them and practice them as often as I can, with everyone – not just men that I’m dating or interested in. But I will refrain from using them in situations or with people who I know are not able to appreciate their value, or recognize or honor my feelings. You, Shar LWB, and everyone else, are free to make your own decisions about how you want to use feeling messages. But this philosophy, and this way of doing it feels good to me.

    Thanks! 🙂
    Tereana



  460.  #460Tereana on January 7, 2013 at 11:04 pm

    Indigo – Yeah! (454)

    ~~~

    So, I’m still talking to Vman. Whatever. I know that he is just a “snack” now. He’s just candy. Sweetness that tastes good in small amounts, but too much makes my stomach hurt. Lol. Can’t make a meal out of that!

    And in other news, I was thinking this evening that there must be issues that I’ve struggled with in the past that I’m not struggling with right now. And darnit, but I tried to think of what they were, and I can’t. I literally can’t think of them, which means that they are probably so done with and conquered that I don’t NEED to think of them. I’ve got other issues that I’m dealing with on the forefront now. But you know what that means? Probably the things that seem so terrible and in-my-face at the moment will one day be resolved, and I will barely (if at all!) remember what they were!! hooray! 🙂



  461.  #461Daria on January 7, 2013 at 11:56 pm

    Have u ever had a crush where

    U first walk in the room and the man instantly likes you and you like him.

    He asks about you and you think he’s the flyest finest guy u ever seen. Way out your comfort league but he likes You!

    He says ur ex boyfriend sucks out loud ti the group and no one argues. He shows off. He’s the dominant male.

    You’re in awe

    He Always says a compliment first out of all the men. And it gets u wet. U pick him to give ur weed to …



  462.  #462Daria on January 7, 2013 at 11:58 pm

    Have u ever had a crush where

    U first walk in the room and the man instantly likes you and you like him.

    He asks about you and you think he’s the flyest finest guy u ever seen. Way out your comfort league but he likes You!

    He says ur ex boyfriend sucks out loud ti the group and no one argues. He shows off. He’s the dominant male.

    You’re in awe

    He Always says a compliment first out of all the men. And it gets u wet. U pick him to give ur weed to …

    Ur guy friend even whisper/comments with respect that he’s never seen the guy si forthcoming abd open even w all the group.

    Your too dazed to get its really all about you…



  463.  #463Daria on January 8, 2013 at 12:05 am

    Wat made him like me ?

    I dono I never did.

    Seemed he liked me faster n even more than I liked him.

    Abd I thought he was a god. I perposefully took my friends pic of him so I could stare at his perfection



  464.  #464Daria on January 8, 2013 at 12:21 am

    Violette – I feel surprised, I agree with Dominique that it sounded like he was complimenting you… Maybe receivibg compomnets and noticibg what comes up (NVs, resistanxe, body feelings) that’s something to work on for you if he’s a nice guy?

    I work on that w my guy cuz he’s over the top appreciative and it feels uncomfortable ti receive.

    It sounds too like you Did get ahead of totaled physically – with this guy!

    Just cuz u are ready to sleep w the other CD doesn’t mean you didn’t get ahead of yourself physically or are ready to be having sex w this one. It’s at your confort pace w each one.

    And I wouldn’t say anything unless I already had an exclusivity agreement… My sex life is sacred and personal (maybe even married I will want private sex time/fantasies/past memories….)



  465.  #465Daria on January 8, 2013 at 12:33 am

    Turquoise – Uhoh… Why was his ex harsh critical abd especially ‘unemotional’ ?

    What was his part in that?

    It feels scary to see a woman so engaged in describing another woman / an ex….

    I have a belief that commiserating w a man about an ex is a big shot in the foot

    I feel turned off when a guy says something like that about an ex and take it as a big red flag…

    I would Never repeat it on blog or take it at face value like he ‘has suffered and is innocemt’

    Isn’t that like overfunctioning/babying him and basically blindfolding yourself into the trap of it happening to you or whatever issue there is that has him Blame someone / an ex instead of take responsibility by not blaming… Talking about his part…

    Him talkin about her part rather than his part is a huge red flag for me

    Should it be?

    Does everyone bad mouth / blame exes?

    No…

    Blame -> emotional immaturity

    I wonder if Turquoise you blame your ex so attracted a guy who does bec u think it’s natural in an ‘everyone might do that’ way and don’t see it as a red flag…



  466.  #466Daria on January 8, 2013 at 1:37 am

    Mmm Daria told boy it wd feel so good to be stretched and then he didn’t have to question whether stretching wd hurt her right now.

    And he did it for her and it felt so good. He was there the whole time do she wasn’t pushing in ways that hurt. And she discovered misalignments that way and tweaked them



  467.  #467Daria on January 8, 2013 at 2:09 am

    I feel gexgausted and also awake and ready

    Hmmm this feels good like ‘I went hard’ tired



  468.  #468Annie on January 8, 2013 at 2:19 am

    Indigosays:

    “Mercedes 246

    It is a beautiful thing – this really beautiful feeling washes over you when you assert your power in this way, and it’s totally unexpected. It’s a beautiful thing when you take responsibility for your own happiness.”

    Yayyy. You Rock.



  469.  #469Annie on January 8, 2013 at 2:23 am

    Violette.

    “I really don’t want to sleep with C again. I’ve never regretted not sleeping with someone who didn’t do it for me…and at the same time, I don’t want him to go away. He cares for me in a way I haven’t experience in so long…I don’t want to dissect why I don’t like him sexually now…I just want to trust it.”

    Awesome.



  470.  #470Annie on January 8, 2013 at 2:36 am

    464: Daria says:

    Turquoise I feel in agreement with Daria.

    A huge red flag.
    What he says about his ex is where he is stuck frozen in time and at and attracted to still. And it appears you are attracted to him. What’s the message, lesson and take away here?



  471.  #471Tam on January 8, 2013 at 4:11 am

    Daria, yes! I feel similarly, talking bad about the ex is a red flag. But most men seem to indulge in this and some don’t stop, and even what I perceive as good men. For some strange reason they don’t focus on their part but on the woman’s part.
    I would like to find out why and want to ask the ‘what was your part in it?’.
    Because I feel curious, do they really believe it is all the ex’s fault?
    Actually, MrP for all his issues and grudges would be the first to admit his fault in the demise of his relationships..always..but he is not emotionally healthy either, so that is not always an indicator..
    I feel confused about this.
    Also, Curly talks about his ex all the time and I had wondered about stopping him, but I find it quite interesting.By the sounds of it she never fully committed to the relationship and was CDing (yay her..haha), and she did not want to get married to him either…although he asked.
    And now….tadaaaaaaa…he chose me and I am just as skittish about committing to him.
    He decribed her as cold and unaffectionate…and said I am totally different. This is interesting because many men have said I seem cold and aloof (previously). So is he still attracted to the same thing or what???
    I also always felt bad when my ex bf was talking bad about his ex wife. All was always her fault, which made me feel very cringey – how can all be her fault when he was there in the marriage also??? Where was he? And he was after 2 years still dwelling on all that. All I can say was that this woman held a lot of anger, but where did it come from? Not from thin air, he played his part in it.
    And lo and behold, after 4 months of relationship, I was getting angry also. For various reasons. I felt like siding with her!!!
    So I tread very very softly with men who bear a grudge against the ex. Because I might be in her shoes one day – and I never ever commiserate. I listen and I don’t feel comfortable.
    I listen not because I want to hear the story. I listen because it gives me a lot of clues about the man.



  472.  #472Tam on January 8, 2013 at 4:14 am

    448 Violette – that sounds great.
    You make your own story! 😉



  473.  #473Tam on January 8, 2013 at 4:22 am

    Rigid belief:

    ‘It is my belief that If we settle for what we do don’t want we block out what we do want showing up.”

    My friend is a psychologist and she said that if we do happen to be in the wrong relationship and the right man comes along, all that is left is probably a dust cloud…she was in a relationship for 12 years that wasn’t going anywhere, she was kind of happy but had always longed for marriage and kids, her boyfriend was ambiguous – a good man but ‘not ready’. Her man came along and she just walked away from her 12 year relationship and was married with a baby 2 years later and could not be happier.

    I was snatched out of a relationship also, to enter the best one I ever had.

    Not taking a risk because it doesn’t seem perfect doesn’t guarantee meeting the right guy or the perfect man, because when one is generally closed to experiences, one is perhaps closed to the right guy also? Just a thought.

    Those limiting beliefs, like ‘everything needs to be perfect’ or ‘if I don’t block what’s not perfect, the right guy won’t show up’…do we really believe this is true? The right guy showed up for me and many of my friends while in a relationship. So it’s not always true.
    The right guy can change into the wrong guy – this happened to me also. Or the wrong guy can change into the right guy.
    If we are not open, we are not open to anything. And this does not mean settling for second best. It means staying open and curious, not getting cynic, not judging etc.
    My opinion.



  474.  #474Femininewoman on January 8, 2013 at 5:21 am

    Tam your words are reminding of Rori telling her story about some time in her marriage when her husband ‘changed’ on her or was just that ‘things’ changed. When she was desperate about what was happening. Then she decided to try something new and stumbled on her success. She ended up saying he was always a good guy. She brought it back to herself and opened up to a new way of being so see could see her husband again. The perfect guy for her.

    I would love to invite you out of your logical brain now. It has proven itself. Powerful and effective. I am resonating so much with what you are saying. I would love to invite you back into your feeling body and emotional mind.



  475.  #475Femininewoman on January 8, 2013 at 5:29 am

    I also saw the blaming of the ex but it seemed like the little speck. I felt jerked around a bit thinking that Daria had to zone into the one negative that was in the comments. Again nobody is perfect and as Dominique keep saying a man heals through the heart of a woman. Is this man on his path to healing now in Turquoise’s presence? Was what I asked myself. Does Turquoise need to go into panicking and spiraling by going to the automatic negative emotional override. Or can she use this to build her awareness around what work she has to do in herself? Does the relationship always have to be on trial by looking for every fault in the man to shake him around about? As we are all human I am looking for a man who I am conscious will have issues. I know I can handle all issues so I am comfortable to remaining open to one with issues I believe he can handle.

    It might be a red flag yes. Yet, is it a dealbreaker for Turq? Is this the kind of thing John Gottman’s theory relates to where we can choose to use 5 positives/complements for each criticism or negativity that comes up?

    How does this relate to what you focus on growing?



  476.  #476Femininewoman on January 8, 2013 at 5:31 am

    Correction ‘I know I can’t handle all issues’



  477.  #477Femininewoman on January 8, 2013 at 5:34 am

    This is interesting because many men have said I seem cold and aloof (previously). So is he still attracted to the same thing or what???

    Maybe.

    But in your shoes, I would take it as a vote of confidence. You are changing.

    You might be going back and forth but you are changing. It is a process. Not an overnight success.



  478.  #478Femininewoman on January 8, 2013 at 5:35 am

    Actually Turquoise thinking about some time ago when you were struggling with FMs, I feel good about what I read in your writing. You have made great progress.



  479.  #479Tam on January 8, 2013 at 5:36 am

    One of MrP and my friends just got into contact offering me a tour on his plane with ‘us’..so I only dread to think who the other person is, well I know already. Thank goodness I have to work…really…going on a plane tour/trip with MrP is really not what I need right now. Lol.
    Jeez, it was tempting to go. So tempting.



  480.  #480Tam on January 8, 2013 at 5:39 am

    OMG, I can’t believe I turned down a plane trip over the city. I am crazy. I feel mad with myself.
    Who cares that I have to work and who cares about MrP? It would have been amazing.
    Urgh.



  481.  #481Femininewoman on January 8, 2013 at 5:41 am

    Indigo I am sending you good vibes for your meeting later on. Just keep in mind he might not initiate any talk about the ‘relationship’. He might just be focussed on building some magical moments. Lean back internally and physically. Keep your heart open. Breathe through your vagina. Keep your shoulders low, drop your lower jaw a little so your mouth is half open at times. Loosen all your muscles, especially around your stomach and drop your throughts to your vagina. When he talks be ‘over there’ with him in a state of curiosity and learning. If you have to put your hand over your mouth to shut up. If he asks laugh at yourself and let him know you want to really listen to him.

    I know it is a lot but if you focus on a little of it to relax your body and stay relaxed it might make it easier to let go of everything outcome/expectation conscious or unconscious. Let him feel you as his oasis where he can go to relax.



  482.  #482Femininewoman on January 8, 2013 at 5:42 am

    You can always tell him you changed your mind.



  483.  #483Femininewoman on January 8, 2013 at 5:43 am

    Violette have you explored if your sexual feeling is connected to a past experience?



  484.  #484Tam on January 8, 2013 at 5:43 am

    481, too late, I think they are at the airport now. Maybe I dodged a bullet, who knows 😉



  485.  #485Tam on January 8, 2013 at 5:45 am

    473, yep FW….just sometimes my logical brain