It Doesn’t Matter Who’s Stuff It Is — It Only Matters How You Feel “Here”

Untitled design (14)

plantinhandOh my, so much uproar, so many fabulous ideas, so much sharing, thank you so much and I’m going to start a new subject here…

This is all about taking responsibility for yourself. When to take charge and when to let go. When to fight on and when to give up and give in. When to stand in full brain power like a boy, and when to sink down into your feelings like a girl.

How to solve problems by figuring them out and how to dissolve problems by rising above them.

Basic starting point for this:

1. Where you are now is where you are now. You actually are “here.”

This means, if a man is not doing the job, if something is going wrong, if no man has shown up, do you want to take responsibility for this happening? Or, do you simply want to take responsibility for being here now?

Sometimes, I have to take responsibility for why things happen. Like right now I’m going through some stuff you all may have dealt with — physical stuff like aches and pains and a bad back… and yeah, some of it is my genetics, some of it is the environment, some of it is just time, and yet — some of it is how much I knew and know and what I did about all that. Some of it is about — was I pro-active enough about taking good care of myself, and some of it is — was I so busy trying to do stuff that instead of really being in my body I allowed tension and stress to build up and it harmed myself?

And all of it is about what can I accept now, what can I do now, how much can I allow myself to feel now, and how can I just be without blaming myself in any way shape or form.

It’s about how do I take responsibility without placing blame.

Same with my man. Same with your man. Same with any man.

A lot’s been said here about being in a situation with a man that doesn’t feel good and trying to figure that out.

Trying to figure out what his stuff, and what’s your stuff.

And trying to figure out, bottom line, why you are here now.

But I like this better today: Instead of asking “Why” – I say to myself — “I am here now.”

So let’s say you have a conversation with a man — maybe a really good conversation, about things you’re concerned about, you negotiate, and you work something out. And then — he drops the ball.

He just sort of — forgets.

And during this period where he is forgetting what he already said he would do, you’re building up resentment.

Not only are you building up resentment, you’re building up an insecure feeling of rejection. Because the truth is — what it looks like is that he doesn’t feel MOTIVATED to do what you clearly shared with him would make you happy.

So here you are. You’ve expressed yourself to him. You have a good, perhaps intimate, conversation. You’ve reached some agreement. And now — nothing.

In the old days, this is where we start nagging.

This is where we start trying to solve the problem. This is where we start trying to open the conversation again, and revisit the situation, and make some new agreements, and fix the darn thing!

Well, as we all know, that usually doesn’t go so well. People don’t do stuff for lots of reasons. We don’t do stuff because we don’t want to. Because we’re busy. Because, even though we know we’re supposed to, or we said we would, or we know it would make someone else we really care about happy, it sits somewhere lower on our priority scale than survival. And sometimes a lot of us are in survival mode. That’s what stress is — being in survival mode. And sometimes we’ve triggered ourselves — or he’s feeling triggered — with guilt and shame, and feel paralyzed. We’re pretending, on some deep level, that this isn’t happening. Not really.

So let’s try to put this into some steps:

1. Say to yourself, out loud if you can, “I am here now.”

2. Now say “I have stuff and he has stuff.” And then…

3. Say, “Instead of trying to figure him out, I’m going to find my stuff.” Now…

4. Say, “I know that my stuff affects his stuff and his stuff affects my stuff.” Now…

5. Say, “…and it’s not important for me to figure this out.”

6. Say, “It’s only important for me to find and express my stuff. Because his stuff is none of my business.” And…

7. “Without trying to understand why I feel something, I just feel this…” Simply feel around your body to find what you’re feeling and to put the simplest words possible to those feelings so that you can say them out loud.

I can pretty much guarantee you that once you do this, and only this, and stay away from trying to analyze your situation or make a judgment about it — he will finally feel safe enough to say exactly what it is that’s been bothering him, too.

And here’s where we can fall into the trap again. We can fall into trying to have a “discussion” about all this. And nothing could be worse.

What you want to do is to keep it going like this. You say, “I feel scared, or rejected, or bad, or uncomfortable, and I need to feel… (fill in the blank here)…”

And keep this in mind — frustration and anger are genuine feelings real feelings that — even though you want to express them and share them — are not the bottom line feelings you have.

You feel angry because you are not getting what you want. It’s the old kid in a candy store being told to get-your-hands-off-the-glass.

You feel angry because here you are putting in effort and not getting back what you’ve put in. You’re feeling angry and hurt because you think you’ve made some kind of “deal” here, and it’s not going your way.

You feel angry because YOU ARE HERE NOW.

So let’s move on from trying to figure out who is right and who is wrong and what is right and what is wrong and what is appropriate. Let’s just start from the place on your life marked “Here.”

Let’s take another step. I look forward to hearing your steps as I take my own.

Let’s move UPWARD from the “problem.”

Let’s get a bigger view. Let’s find our stuff, discover how our stuff feels, get into our stuff, own our stuff, take responsibility for our stuff, making no judgments about our stuff, rise above blame for our stuff, and stay away from his stuff. If he’s dropped the ball, and you let that go on for a very long time, just start with #1 in these steps.

Say “I am here now.”

You have options. You can say Yes, and you can say No, and you can even say Maybe…and then you will be at #1 again. You will be “there” – only it will still be “Here.”

Let’s go on from here to the next here…which might just feel different…

Love, Rori

252 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on July 10, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    I jsut feel this: failure



  2.  #2Daria on July 10, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    I feel like I’m failing at a very important job of saving the world. I feel failure and the consequences of failure are : you die.

    Its like this:

    Move this mountain by tomorrow or else everyone you love will die.

    And then I just sit there feeling poweless to move the mountain.



  3.  #3Daria on July 10, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    Can someone help me with this?



  4.  #4ann on July 10, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    hope to be on computer later so i can post.



  5.  #5Maria on July 10, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    Daria: l think to save the world and move the mountain you have to start with little things first to step toward the mountain.



  6.  #6Ann on July 10, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    tHIS POST REASONATES WITH ME i WISH i’D HAD IT A FEW YEARS AGO sorry for the caps. I probably wasn’t ready for it a few years ago tho. I feel part of the post is saying pick your battles to be in your man energy.

    I’ve grown enough here(this community) that I have been exactly where Rori described. I’ve been in the moment(the now) feeling my feelings and expressing them in a way that could be heard. And have men feel safe enough to tell me what was going on with them. Then to go where Rori described here:

    “I can pretty much guarantee you that once you do this, and only this, and stay away from trying to analyze your situation or make a judgment about it — he will finally feel safe enough to say exactly what it is that’s been bothering him, too.

    And here’s where we can fall into the trap again. We can fall into trying to have a discussion” about all this. And nothing could be worse.”

    Going back in that overfuntucing, trying to make it alright for him mode. So I want to stay in the now-here. It felt good to read just because someone didn’t do somehing they said they would that didn’t mean it was a reflection on me.

    Daria I wish I had a answer for you. All I know is I tried for years to carry my world on my shoulders. I learn I can’t do it. It hurts me and doesn’t help anyone I want to help. I can advise others if it appears they want my advice but I can’t make them take it. I can only take and am responsible for my own actions. I’m in a “live and learn” mode at the moment.

    Hope your shoulders get some rest.



  7.  #7Daria on July 10, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    Thanks Ann and Maria. I asked for free EFT help on another forum and a lady just did a free EFT session with me for about an hour on this, where I cried my eyes out and gave myself a big blister on my karate chop point. I feel better.



  8.  #8Ann on July 10, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    Daria I’m happy you’re feeling better. Is that a private eft forum or could you send me the link by myspace or facebook?



  9.  #9allie on July 10, 2009 at 6:07 pm

    Thank you for this post Rori, this is all exactly how I am feeling and how things are going, and how things have been … and wha I have to do as well!
    By now, I have been trying not to talk about the subject we had the argument about, but it feels quite difficult really, as I don’t know where we are standing at the moment … I am trying not to analize though, and taking this as some of my ‘stuff’ to be done, with no priority over other stuff.
    Thank you again, this is really healthy 🙂



  10.  #10Tina on July 10, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    I am here, I feel I have nothing to give you, I feel afraid that I have nothing to give you. I want to feel something to give to you, I I feel afraid to tell you I have nothing to give you. I am giving you my honesty, I want to feel loved, I want to feel accepted for my nothingness. My back feels pain, I feel bloated, I feel selfish, I feel it is unfair to ask you to give me stuff ibuprofen, potato chips and ben-jay to cover up my feelings of having nothing left to give to you. I want to feel accepted for not being able to give to you.



  11.  #11Ann on July 10, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    Help ladies(guys too if you have any ideas) first this comment is off topic, except it’s dealing with the here and now.

    I’m in a place in my life where I’m looking for some part time work. However, I have very little training(offical training have plenty of life experience training), my husband has always made the money and physcial limitations. I know for me I’ll need something to keep me motivated, not boring something with some excitement. I’m looking for part-time work. I want to make my own money but even more I want to feel like I’m doing something. I would like to be around other people for the social interaction.

    I’m looking for ideas. I don’t want to waitress or a fast food place. I can’t stand on my feet for 8+ hours a day. I don’t want to babysit unless it’s grandkids don’t get monetary pay for that lol. I check on a part-time secretarial job today at a church. Wasn’t really what I want but checked anyway however I don’t have all the needed skills. I don’t want to do home health care, I’m afraid I might let one of the elderly folks fall. I don’t want to do direct sales wayyyyy tooo much work for very little pay.

    I live in a town of between 6000-7000 people. I’m a night person. I wouldn’t mind working afternoons in a bookstore except we have no book stores here. The library is ran by snobs so no go. I like radios, wouldn’t mind being a police depatcher, however no openings here, and if there was I’m not sure I’d be able to sit in class for a whole week as well as don’t know how I’d get there. Our car is old and getting finicky.

    We have a couple of motels here, not sure if they’ll have any openings on night shift tho. I feel like I’m stuck. I have no clue what I might could do.

    Any ideas?



  12.  #12alias girl on July 10, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    hi ann. i’m not sure what area you are in but craigslist.org has job postings. or you could even just look at the postings in a big city just to get ideas of what you might like to do. perhaps working for a non profit or a shelter. some sort of counselor perhaps to put your bountiful compassion and experience to use. 😉

    i feel good you are even inquiring into the idea of expanding your life, not just financially but it seems this would be a big step. well it’s a big step for most people to seek employment in an area they haven’t before.

    for me i know figuring out what i don’t want is very valuable as it helps guide me to what i might want.

    i feel very supportive. and appreciative as well that someone called upon my busybody tendencies and gave them an opportunity to be expressed!

    i also am looking to change careeres. i have mad AMAZING progress at my current job despite the whole affair being and feeling god awful.

    but i am no longer the person who eats sh*t. if people read my book when it comes out they will understand. thanks to rori and her tools and the support, patience and sometimes just the mere tolerance of my ranting and raving i have officially become NON PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. AND from this vantage point, standing on the other side of that lifelong character trait, i can say my passive aggresiveness came from DISEMPOWERMENT.
    With rori’s tools and language i can speak clearly and direclty and not blame. it doesn’t mean things work out in my favor. i actually may lose my job over this whole drama the last two months that has been ongoing.
    but i feel MORE EMPOWERED than i HAVE EVER FELT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. i could die today and think yes it was worth it.
    fyi though i want to live to be 120 at least.
    if i am EMPOWERED and NON PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE then i am EMPLOYABLE.

    but like ann i know what i don’t want. what i might want is to be a famous writer or entertainer.



  13.  #13alias girl on July 10, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    oh i just reread my last comment.

    it didn’t come out as clear as i wanted.

    i was trying to also express appreciation for the other sirens on this blog. it has been here being able to post honeslty and freely while practicing roris tools that who i was BEING was always survering me or helping others to feel good. (that is an ineterting way to spell serving)

    but since i have been lacking in social situations much of my life i didn’t have much experience or feedback or chance to reflect on how i am actually being socially, amongst others.

    aw. i feel teary. thank you for tolerating my non shining moments. 🙂



  14.  #14Ann on July 10, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    Thank you Alias Girl. I’m working on the below intention, that Erin help me come up with awhile back:

    “I intend to create a list of job options that I know I would love and would be something I could be happy doing.”

    I’ve been mulling it over for a few weeks. I know the folks here are very creative, I’m having a bit of a mental block so I decided to ask for help here.

    I would like to write children’s or young adult stories. However, wouldn’t have the finances to hire any help I might need and not big on traveling. Also not sure my grammer would be good enough.

    I always feel good reading your comments AG. I like the way you express yourself.



  15.  #15Tina on July 10, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    Ann, here’s an idea, start a new/used book store or sell books at flea markets.



  16.  #16Tina on July 10, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    Ann, Editors will do that job lol. God knows I need one. ugh!



  17.  #17Ann on July 10, 2009 at 9:19 pm

    Tina,

    That’s a good idea except I’m a poor country girl. I’ve though of a few businesses I’d like to do, even part time but no finances. I’d like to have a concession stand to do business on the weekend. Again no finances. My husband has health issues so don’t see a bank taking the chance on us.

    We have no flea markets here. The ladies who runs the Chamber of Commerce did a flea market twice. It appeared to me it did good but I guess she didn’t like it.



  18.  #18Ann on July 10, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    Tina don’t have the money to pay a editor.



  19.  #19alias girl on July 10, 2009 at 9:25 pm

    well in my studying the law of attraction i hear that i needn’t worry about the HOW.

    maybe i would just start making a list regardless of how reasonable or unreasonable or far fetched things seemed.

    ie

    -have my own tv show avail on the internet
    -dancing gigs
    -singing on an awesome & popular music album (HAHAHAHA i believe i am slightly tone deaf and have a Very limited range. HA WHO CARES look at bob dylan!!)
    -have a couple of successful books published
    -being an advisor to someone really influential
    -running a homeless shelter
    -NOTHING just having oodles of leisure time!!!!!
    -owning a dance venue
    -creating t-shirts
    -putting up lots of blogs and websites that generate money
    -being a paris hiltonish person where my biggest concern is my hair and my outfit
    -making videos
    -taking photos
    -oooh being a painter (i have never made a painting in my life)
    -being a health nut guru type person and teaching people that physical immortality is a possibility

    wow. that was really FUN!! i keep thinking i am going to walk to the video store to rent a video but here i am. hooked into rori’s blog.

    which —on the topic— i really Loved today’s post.

    other people’s stuff is none of busi-ness. it’s only important to find and express MY stuff.



  20.  #20Ann on July 10, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    Thanks Alias Girl that’s a nice list. I like to take pictures my daughter always tells me I’m much better at that than her lol

    I’d also love to be able to draw people I’ve tried and tried but geez I can’t draw people. I saw a guy at a event do drawing(sketches) and get $10 a person doing it. I had one done of my granddaughter he captured her expression perfectly. People were lining up to get their sketch done.

    I loved today’s post also. Since I’m in the “here” with trying to figure out what I could do didn’t feel it was too off topic to ask here. I appreciate any and all help/suggestions.



  21.  #21Tina on July 10, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    Ann, take part time evening university courses. Just one will do. A half credit. I find once I start doing the foot work , things just happen. I make greeting cards on the side, I got a gig to make cards and sell them there. In the french language, so now I’m in the process of looking for a french language teacher. The cards have to be translated from english to french. I took night courses in photography, I learned how to develope black and white. I took a night course in guitar. I am now paying for a business course, I hope to start soon. I just got paid for my work at the rehab center , I’m almost there.



  22.  #22Tina on July 10, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    Im also in the process of writing a short story and have the application to apply for a literary grant providing I have mentors and I am now contacting people for that.



  23.  #23Ann on July 10, 2009 at 10:01 pm

    Thank you Tina I’m writing all the suggestions down, so I can reflect on them when I’m offline. You ladies are very creative and inspiring. I really appreciate the help.



  24.  #24Ann on July 10, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    Tina is a grant hard to write? recieve?



  25.  #25Tina on July 10, 2009 at 10:23 pm

    I met an elder russian lady, she makes lovely jewelry, she gets her stuff fairly cheap, she does mostly stringing beads, such as pearl, amythest, really nice stuff.



  26.  #26Tina on July 10, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    Ann, you could also try writing a short story and have it published in your local paper, I’ve done that with a photo I took last winter, I think in our paper it was called “photo of the day” . My sister likes to paint and asked her to paint it for her practice, she is almost finished looks great, I cant wait to see it on a card.



  27.  #27Tina on July 10, 2009 at 10:35 pm

    Ann, yes they are hard to get some times, depends on your competition. I dont know what its like in your area though.



  28.  #28Tina on July 10, 2009 at 10:52 pm

    My application comes with two letters of recommendation along with my application. My chances are better that way. I really just want one book that I have written , thats all lol. I’m going to continue doing my project with or without a grant. It’s only a 65 page book, so this can be done – editing/publishing- with eyes closed. I have a friend and she is reallly good at what she does. Anne, it is just a matter of searching for and keeping your eyes open for opprotunity. It could be an ad stuck on a bulletin board wall or something someone says, your intuition to take a left instead of a right.



  29.  #29Tina on July 10, 2009 at 11:01 pm

    Ann, I’m a poor country girl, dont let that stop you. My tomatos are almost a foot high now lol. We have an outdoor market , I have to sell most of them, I have 36 plants , I cannot possilby eat all of them in one season. I’d like to make a sign that says “Tina’s Tomatoes” hehe



  30.  #30alias girl on July 10, 2009 at 11:07 pm

    tina i loved reading all your examples of creative ways to create a livelihood from something we already love to do. i feel yes! about the sign for Tina’s Tomatos. My dad used to stop at roadside stands sometimes and buy berries or fruit (he grew his own veggies). Or i know by me we have farmer’s markets for local growers.



  31.  #31alias girl on July 10, 2009 at 11:19 pm

    i feel scared. i feel scared. wha. i feel afraid i will attract the same thing wherever i go because i am taking me with me. i feel sad. i don’t know how to make this situation at my job feel good AND take care of myself.

    for so long i was trying to be nice and be LIKED and fit in and ADAPT to the insanity that my narcissistic boss, god bless his soul, unwittingly creates.

    and now i have stopped being NICE and trying to be LIKED (and believe me i am no longer either. at least superficially)

    And i am being straight up with my boss. and that feels good and really empowering but he says one thing and then it twists and he kind of just stabs people in the back to save his own ass. I mean i get it. he’s trying to be a good guy, and BE LIKED but reality changes with the wind and the earth shifts beneath me when i am dealig with him. although I am actually emailing everything now so it is in black and white and it is hard to refute and that feels empowering and really good but still in the end, i am feeling f*cked. and like i DON’T WANT to redo the family stuff anymore. i really don’t. i get it. my family was disturbed. i have narcissitic tendencies. i used to be very passive aggressive. i HATE to be dominated. I HATE TO BE DOMINATED. (except sexually whatever) and I will NOT STAND FOR IT. I WILL NOT STAND FOR BEING TREATED AS LESS EQUAL THAN THE OTHER EMPLOYEES. I WILL NOT STAND FOR BEING PURPOSEFULLY MOCKED AND RIDICULED AND ANTAGONIZED AND SET UP TO LOOK LIKE A PROBLEM.

    I feel worn out. i really really really really want refuge from insanity. i really want to be healed and whole so I stop attrtacting my own level of insanity. I feel afraid I am not there yet and i will find another job and it will be the same or worse.

    i feel really really sad and sobbing right now and like a really tight headache in my head and i don’t know what to do. I feel sooooooooo sad. I get it. MY childhood was f*cked no can we please MOVE ON and get to the really good stuff like a fun romantic relationship and a cool career and a nice house and FUN FUN FUN! angels? universe? THANK YOU!



  32.  #32Karen on July 10, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    Wow Rori! I really needed this post right now. I have been going thru exactly that with my husband- we negotiate, we agree, then he forgets to fulfill his side of things, leaving me feeling like killing him! I’m going to try your suggestions and see what happens.
    Daria, I’ve been reading your posts (along with everyone else’s) for a couple of months and I feel that you are a lot like me. We both want to control something, anything because we are so afraid that we can’t control ourselves. It hurts and it’s frustrating and it makes us mad. I’m hoping what we learn on this site can help us fix ourselves so that we don’t hurt like this anymore. For all the readers and posters on Rori’s site, much love and best wishes for your personal journey and the same for me.



  33.  #33gina on July 11, 2009 at 1:15 am

    A couple of weeks ago I was so upset after work cause I was not being goddessy and it was no bueno. Well! I am happy to report that I was pretty darn goddessy last night and tonight, and even though it was sort of a slow night and I had a small section (cocktail serving), I made lotsa money. About a hundred dollars more than usual. Cause I smiled and trusted myself and connected with people. I noticed that when things got a little busy, my blood pumped super fast, I got nervous and I dropped two bottles. Then, I got mad at myself and put myself down, I started to make more mistakes, but then I caught myself, and I stopped thinking about the mistake, I just kept going. Phew! I’ve been more open with my coworkers, especially the ones that trigger me the most. I realized that I totally have a mask that I usually put on. At my tables, I had a mask that said “sucks for you that I’ll be taking care of you tonight. I’ll try not to drop anything on you. You do your part by not being stupid or rude – I’m much less likely to be stupid and rude back.” to some of my coworkers, my mask said “I don’t want you to know me cause I’m afraid you’ll realize that you should fire me.” Really, I wanted to be invisible to everyone. I didn’t want them to see me cause I was sure that I was incapable of really “serving.” Tonight, I enjoyed being a person who could help and solve problems (rather than the person needing help). I enjoyed being the person to volunteer to do something unpleasant cause I see that is how to become “Great.” Aaaah… it is a relief to know that I am capable of growth.



  34.  #34heartbeat on July 11, 2009 at 1:47 am

    This post feels like a manifestation – just as some other stuff coming my way has felt totally in tune.

    I have so much STUFF going on! So much stuff of my own – stuff of life, childhood, circumstances, relationship stuff. My man has stuff going on too, and he feels ‘concerned’ (as he puts it) that his stuff is triggering my stuff. And some of it is, in that his stuff affects his behaviour, and his behaviour triggers my stuff. And he can’t always hear my stuff and sometimes I can’t hear his.

    So much stuff!! It’s way too labyrinthy-weavy to try and figure it all out.

    So I’ve opened up more with feelings – ‘I feel lonely’ ‘I feel tired’ ‘I feel afraid’ – feelings I’ve been taught NOT to express around a depressed man.

    And what Rori says is so so true – I hear more of his feelings as well now. There’s no sitting down, mapping out, planning etc. It feels exactly like going through a tunnel. I don’t know what’s going to be at the other end but I’m moving. I don’t know what he’ll do, or decide, or what I’ll do or decide. We may not stay together, or we may be together a long time, for life even.

    I’m absolutely clear how I want to FEEL. It’s not about what he does, or doesn’t do. I want to feel safe, alive, cherished. SAFE & ALIVE

    It’s not about him ‘sorting himself out’, though I can see how it could go that way, and at one time it would have, then I’d have got to feel right and strong and purposeful and blameless.



  35.  #35heartbeat on July 11, 2009 at 1:56 am

    I feel lonely a lot at the moment. Everyone I’m close to has STUFF going on – my mum is taking care of my sister, my sister has cancer, my close friend is caring for her son who has mental illness, my dad is 83 and caring for his 88 year-old girlfriend, my man is depressed, my son is 20 and in that ‘I don’t really live here’ mode. And all the emotions that go with all those circumstances.

    Even now I feel a little scared saying ‘I feel lonely’. There’s a voice saying ‘pity-party’, ‘you have your health, get on with taking care of everyone else’.

    And another voice going ‘no, I don’t have my health, I feel tired and ill, my stomach hurts, my joints ache, I feel scared I’m dying, I’m 50 next month for gawd’s sake’.

    For the past three weeks I’ve cried almost every time I have the opportunity. It feels like a release. I don’t know why, I just keep on doing it.



  36.  #36alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 1:56 am

    i feel crazy. i feel unsafe. it is in black and white. i wrote it down in consecutive emails. i lived through this experience with my five (six actually) senses.i know what happened. i know my part and i know other people’s part. i know where people are lying. i know where my boss is incredibiliy fantastical in the way he just twists and turns things and changes reality minute by minute. i know all this and still sitting on my couch i suddenly felt like it was all my fault. all started by me. all all all blame on me. i know that is not even possible. it always takes two or three or however many are involved and still right now i feel crazy and like everything is my fault and i am a big problem and a bad person with a huge personality problem.

    i feel unable to make friends or have relationships because i feel i will always be blamed for the demise of them.i feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me

    and sometimes i see things. i get a sense of what’s going on. and i’l speak the truth and i am told i am crazy. my boss said my pereceptions are 100% inaccurate. now i should know just by looking at that statement what i am dealing with. if my perceptions are 100% inaccurate then i am probably a danger to myself and society and how could i even drive a car or have a conversation or anything. i am feeling very triggered and old stuff is coming up but i feel scared. and unsafe. people feel unsafe.

    i feel embarrassed for sharing this. i feel afraid of being judged. i feel grateful it feels like this huge clock is being dismantled and piece by piece removed that has prevented me from loving life and people fully. but it feels awful and my soup feels very dense and murky.

    i feel very angry at my boss and co workers. i feel rageful at my family.



  37.  #37heartbeat on July 11, 2009 at 2:04 am

    My man tries to figure out why I feel like this, he asks ‘why?’.

    I’ve stopped trying to answer, ‘because’ takes me up in my head and I really need to FEEL right now.

    I was feeling very alone in the relationship, disconnected. At least now I’m facing him, letting him see me.

    I went on a narrowboat last week, I’m using the image of a narrowboat going through a tunnel as a totem.

    Narrowboats are made of iron and strong wood, but they move gracefully and are painted beautiful colours. And they are always moving, even when moored they rock gently in the water.



  38.  #38alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 2:05 am

    if i did not have those emails i would feel very ashamed right now. i have been set up and it feels awful. maybe this is coming up now because i am strong enough and the situation is just right to see clearly just how crazy things are. i don’t know what else to do. i just want to heal so i stop attracting this. it doesn’t suit me anymore. i have outgrown it.

    it feels so weird. i feel so weird. he looks me right in the eye telling me to trust him and he is doing this in my best interests as i am being set up to be fcked. he does not even know he’s doing it. he truly wants and needs to believe he is being the good guy. but he is fcking me. it is right there. the evolution. it is right there in the emails.

    i feel so confused. i feel so confused. no wonder i checked out as a kid and went blank in my mind about things. who could deal with this kind of weirdness? i can barely deal now and i am a fairly intelligent strong woman in therapy. my goodness. wow. i feel a little better and am not sobbing now. i feel weird for posting all that. i feel like i shouldn’t have for some reason. weirdness. i feel really weird.

    maybe my weird feelings. i don’t know. i feel like stopping writing.



  39.  #39heartbeat on July 11, 2009 at 2:08 am

    AG your soup is murky, my tunnel is dark – feels like we are on parallel journeys.

    I’m reading everyone’s comments and aware I’m not responding right now, I’m exploring my tunnel and I’m glad you are all there.



  40.  #40gina on July 11, 2009 at 2:12 am

    wow Alias Girl. In your post, I feel tense about a lot of lies tormenting you, keeping your spirit chained. Ego lies – yours, your bosses, whoever’s – but all the fundamentally same source. I’ve been tormented in similar ways – I feel a lot of compassion for what sounds like misery and frustration.
    I know the lies can be persuasive, but the truth is that you are healthy and whole and complete in your incompleteness, gifted, beautiful, brilliant, wise.



  41.  #41alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 2:15 am

    i feel soothed by heartbeats posts interweaved with mine like a mosaic as she talks of going through a tunnelas i feel i am going through a tunnel. i want to get anotther rori program. but i’m not sure which one. which one has the tunnel refeerence?

    i feel so wiped out by today and this whole drama at work. it has taken so much of my energy. i feel grateful though. i really met it head on and gave it all i could with all i’ve got right now and really feel like i am being rewarded with the possibility of attracting healthier people and situations. if nothing else i really became clear on the damgae of passive aggressiveness and also on how to speak up. i mean that is miles and miles and lifetimes of progress for me. regardless of what happens at my job i am so very grateful and proud of my self for speaking up and EMPOWERING MYSELF.



  42.  #42alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 2:22 am

    thanks gina and heartbeat. i feel soothed by your words.i feel so freaking vulnerable right now. just really weird.

    gina i feel smiley you had a goddessey vibe going on and that you growing and learning to turn things around for yourself by changing your self talk.

    heartbeat wow i feel compassion. it does sound like alot of stuff going on. i feel so good to hear how things are opening up between you and your man though and how you are being daring with expressing the feelings that feel like shouldn’t to you.

    phew. wow. really. i signed up for THIS? Really??



  43.  #43heartbeat on July 11, 2009 at 2:22 am

    I feel comforted by our interweaving posts too, AG. The tunnel is in Reconnect.



  44.  #44alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 2:24 am

    i feel wiped out. i’m just gonna chill with my teddy bear and finish watching my movie.



  45.  #45heartbeat on July 11, 2009 at 2:25 am

    I signed up for some amazing learning! I’m glad I found this blog and everyone on it.



  46.  #46heartbeat on July 11, 2009 at 2:26 am

    My Ted says hi to yours, AG. Hope you have a nice chill-out.



  47.  #47alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 2:26 am

    thnx heartbeat. im gonna make a note of that. get rori’s reconnect program. :). awesome that must mean a relationship is on the way for me. 🙂
    ‘nite.



  48.  #48heartbeat on July 11, 2009 at 2:35 am

    Yes yes AG! It worked for me 🙂 Rori’s magic charm lol



  49.  #49heartbeat on July 11, 2009 at 2:44 am

    Narrowboats are steady, too, they don’t bob about. Strong and steady, staying the course. They don’t flip round and go backwards, they keep going, mindful there are turning points ahead of needed.

    Very different from my windsurfer. My arms are aching after my first sail in two months yesterday. On my windsurfer I flow best by feeling the wind power and direction, I pick my destination but can get thrown off by a flurry or backwind, I choose my sail according to the wind. Every part of my body is moving to remain in accord, I respond to all my senses. It requires a lot of agility and focus, and trust in the sail to hold me out of the water. If I don’t lean back I get pulled over.

    Narrowboat feels right for me now, in my tunnel, windsurfer another time. Metaphorically speaking.



  50.  #50heartbeat on July 11, 2009 at 2:47 am

    Hmmmm.. actually no – both feel right. “If I don’t lean back I get pulled over”.

    Narrowboat as totem, windsurfer as reminder.

    Lol I’m laughing now 😀



  51.  #51heartbeat on July 11, 2009 at 2:56 am

    So I can ask myself – which am I on right now? Or, which do I choose right now?



  52.  #52gina on July 11, 2009 at 3:02 am

    alias girl, I haven’t pieced together what is happening at work/with your family, but it reminds me of a weird situation i was in. I feel compelled to reconsider this experience, although I’m uncertain of whether it relates to your situation.

    Actually, now that I think of it, Rori’s post fits perfectly – there was my stuff, and there was the stuff of the people around me. At the time it was super hard for me to identify what was within my control and really DO something about it. somehow I felt impotent. My bosses tried to make it that way – I was told that I had “demons” that were inhibiting me. There were supposedly literal demons that were attacking my boss resulting in serious sickness, for which he received regular exorcisms. There were multiple hour+ long “meetings” where I was encouraged to identify “who hurt me in my life” – and I was told a million different ways that if I did things THEIR WAY, I would be healed/a superstar. This was at a ballroom dance studio. I had been dancing for 2 weeks and I had a major fear of dancing, yet it cost students $135 for a 40 minute lesson with me!! The whole thing was kind of a scam, and I had signed a contract for 1 year, or I had to pay 6000$ for all the dance training!! Which, of course, I couldn’t afford cause i was making lousy pay, but i had to spend 50+ hours a week at the studio. And on and on, but the point is that I was in a super murky soup mode – almost debilitatingly so. People thought I was on drugs cause i was just at a standstill. I felt super uncomfortable with all the lies i was supposed to tell as a “Professional Ballroom Dance Instructor” (I even had a fake last name!), but I also wanted to come through for my students. I also wanted to be successful at it, and I felt so confused cause I knew I was being manipulated, but us teachers weren’t allowed to even discuss amongst ourselves (it was considered dumping). It literally was like a cult. But I did get over my dancing fear – dancing is something I now have for the rest of my life. And I realized how twisted people can be when they want to have power – I’m much more resilient and resistant to abuse of power now. I also learned that i ought to trust myself – sometimes I felt crazy cause I didn’t want to conform. Now i can see the virtue in my resistance. In the future, i hope to engage and respond to what I am feeling super triggerred by, rather than shut down.



  53.  #53gina on July 11, 2009 at 3:06 am

    Daria – I thought of your desire to be a professional goddess – being a ballroom dance teacher would’ve been pretty goddessy and cool if it wasn’t for the cult factor – if you have an Arthur Murray’s or something in your area, it could be up your alley. An opportunity to help people, be physically active, look beautiful, perform, be creative/artistic. For the people who LOVED dancing, even the cult factor wasn’t enough for them to leave the studio I was at. If it was a real business and not a cult, I think it would be way cool.



  54.  #54alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 4:43 am

    it’s 4;30 in the morning. i can’t sleep. i can’t do it. i can’t do what my boss is requesting me to do. i refuse. it feels AWFUL. i feel set up. i am going to refuse to do it which is insubordination. i feel so scared. what am i going to do? i feel so scared. i feel sad. i can’t do it. i can’t. my body my mind my soul is not allowing me to do what he is asking me to. it will be terrible for me. it will be bad leads to worse and i will be the one to suffer and lose my self respect my self esteem my drive.

    i feel so unsure. i feel like this metal band no a metal screw is drilling in my right side of my head. i feel so much tension in my head. i feel tears. i feel naseous. i feel like i have been unplugged and elctricuted at the same time. i feel tears and pressure in my head. i feel weird breaths. i feel sick. i feel like i’m on a ride at the fair that makes me sick. i feel crying. i feel agitated. i feel crying. this pressure in my freaking head. i feel sobbing sounds. i feel weird breathing. i feel numb. sick. crying. pressure.sick. i feel betrayed.i feel weird tensing in my neck and jaw. very strange. i feel the urge to run like forrest gump. or crash my car into a tree like that troubled girl in rachel’s wedding.

    will my derisive boss fire me, he will. because its easier. what else is he going to do if he’s backed himself into a corner, hung himself with rope and then i refuse his completely disrespectful and humiliating orders. ? i feel sick to my stomach. it is so weird how he plays like cares about my with such deep compassion and conveiniently forgets all the weird sh*t he’s done. however i get it because i think both is true. i think he does care about me (how can one not????)

    i feel gross and like someone has poured gasoline all over me and is holding a lit match over me and telling me can’t you see i care about your well being?

    omg. i feel like my head is going to EXPLODE. AND I FEEL ALL THIS FREAKING HEAT. I FEEL LIKE I’m standing on the freaking equator. wtf.



  55.  #55heartbeat on July 11, 2009 at 5:01 am

    AG that feels like fear, fear of the consequences, like you know what feels awful and wrong and standing by what you feel brings unknown results. It feels like a powerful combination – being asked to do something that feels wrong by a person who says they care about you. And that would feel awful to me, I feel anger just thinking about it.

    I’ll be away for the weekend now and send hugs xxxx



  56.  #56alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 5:21 am

    thank you heartbeat for your compassion. thank you gina for sharing your story about the dance cult you got locked into. i feel so weird. i feel like things are clicking into place. like i am not allowed to think he’s a bad guy because of the way he is pretending to act out of care for me when really his actions are completely contrary to caring for me. yet his DEMEANOR and WORDS are telling me i am important. i ask well why doesn’t he just fire me. maybe he hates his job too and feels good that he knows the majority of the room feels TRAPPED there. ew ew ew. and even i feel in my gut that some of these realizations clicking in feel true. on the true side. i feel guilty because his DEAMNOR AND HIS WORDS say he cares about me. ew ew. i feel gross and slimey. ew.

    like a child can’t face up to his parents flaws or abuse because the parent has convinced the child about ALL HE HAS DONE FOR HER. (me) EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. i feel ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. i want to shake it off. 18 years with my parents. 8 and a half years at this job. all those years of no jobs or toxic jobs. being fired. quitting. over and over again attracting toxicity.

    no wonder i keep recreating this. there is no other foundation. no other template. i just keep feeling people are unsafe and pushing them away. i can’t accept people. i zone in on their flaws and make a case why they are unsafe. if i had a so called safe person i would turn them into an unsaf ee person because of my own behavior and fears and inability to tolerate closeness or attachment.

    i feel doomed. i feel really weird and GUILTY about saying all this about my boss. but it’s true. i am not telling you the other side about how he can be decent and generous sometimes. and stingy and vindictive and punishing at other times. wow. it is the —ew. it truly feels like the parental brainwashing. he has been so withholding and unfair many many many times that have cost me money and peace of mind as well etc etc. i feel confused. everybody IS TOXIC and i am just supposed to go along with it because the world is just that way?i feel sick to my stomach



  57.  #57alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 5:29 am

    my boss would feel so BETRAYED right now. so offended if he read this. he would call me crazy. tell me my perceptions are 100% inaccurate.

    not realizing he has betrayed me a thousand times over. he literally in his mind can not retain such information. at least i feel i know i am turning my back on someone or am a freaking narcissist. argh. argh.

    i feel sick. i feel like i am betraying someone. i feel weird. i feel hateful.

    i feel confused. i feel CRAZY. my boss had tears in his eyes for a second and so did i while we were rehasing for the whatever time the same drama in his office. and i looked staright at him. and i knew he cared . and i also knew he was fucking me over. and i said to him “you can’t have it both ways” and there was apuase. and he said “you’re right” and still requested i do this thing that i feel absolutely disgusted at his freaking request/solution.

    you can’t have it both ways. okkkeee.

    i feel scared and i wish i would go to sleep and my head pressure would go away.



  58.  #58alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 5:44 am

    my desire is to learn how to LOVE. CAN I JUST GET THE TEMPLATE FOR THAT , universe? thank you.

    my desire is to have this pressure relieved and to fall asleep. thank you.

    my desire is to not get into power struggles anymore. I HATE TO BE DOMINATED. I HATE IT! i’m fine until someone tries to control me in some underhanded(or over handed way) how do i stop getting in power struggles. why do i bother? i know i am powerful? becuase i was not using my voice before is part of the reaosn so alot of passive aggressive power struggle stuff came up. still though i hate to be dominated. i think that’s healthy. stupid people back off. nobody likes to be freaking dominated. rrrrr.

    i thank the universe for this perfect healing situation it has brought me because the universe loves me so and wants for me all good things.

    thank you universe also for a beautiful resolution. even though it has felt horrible it has been terrific. thank you. thank you for protecting me and for financial freedom, security and prosperity.

    thankk you for relieving this pressure in my head and helping me fall into a wonderful restful sleep.



  59.  #59Rori Raye on July 11, 2009 at 8:31 am

    Oh, wow – Thank you all – this is a gorgeous, gorgeous stream of comments…so uplifting, emotional, personal, inspiring…very powerful and girl. Love, Rori



  60.  #60Winks on July 11, 2009 at 9:24 am

    Rori, you’ve done it again! Always there with exactly what I am dealing with and what I need to hear.
    I’m feeling so much stronger on the inside. I’ve made such strides and the tools are working. Then he pulls out some action that completely stumps me. I try to figure it out and FIX the darn thing…
    Thank you for this post. I’m going to go figure out my stuff and how I really feel and not analyze him or his actions or the situation.
    I’m not going to have a conversation about it and I’m not going to dump him (right now) or take any sort of boy action. I need to feel my feelings, now. bye.



  61.  #61Erika on July 11, 2009 at 11:54 am

    I feel sad. I feel too tired to riff right now. I don’t really feel like doing anything. I feel sad.



  62.  #62alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    so i barely slept. i am moving forward with what FEELS right and self loving but it feels scary and propelling me into the unknown. I literally feel like I can Not do what my boss is requesting. To do so feels like self betrayal and allowing myself to be set up and abused and mistreated.

    perhaps part of my problem in life is i do not align myself with anyone. which makes me a really easy target to be aligned against, ala lord of the flies style, when in social dynamics where animal instincts are prevailing or instigated.

    because my priorities are to things like honoring my feelings, protecting myself and telling my truth, i am not always the most well liked person in the bunch. i know i can be caustic. I KNOW. but from my perspective my behavior feels natural and correct. I know i make mistakes. i overstep boundaries. i do my best. i apologize when i know i have made a mistake or infringed upon other people’s rights.

    However because i do have such a strong personality and a strong diversion to being dominated I seem to invite or my personality somehow instigates other people’s animal instincts to “win” over me. Even if I my choice was to just keep my distance from a person.. Somehow the person seems to take affront and want laser in on me trying to make my life miserable, trying to force me to pay attention to what seems like an overblown narcssistic need to control everyone. it has happened at work, it happened when I was in college.

    and i truly do not know what to do. i feel damned if i engage because i am just overrun by this narcissistic personality and damned if i don’t engage because of the reasons just described. I mean, with the person at work it was gradual, i just tried to keep my distance but be friendly and polite but not ENGAGE. but she needed me to ENGAGE. WHich was impossible because anytime we had a converation she did none of the listening, all of the talking and wasn’t even really that nice to me. there were constant jabs and whatever.

    so i am asking the universe, since this keeps coming up. my BIG BATTLE with narcissism—what do i do when people are trying to dominate me? Do i draw a boundary every five seconds, oh i felt bad when i heard those words. oh i felt bad when it seemed like you went and tried to align people against me. oh i felt bad when you didn’t listen to a word i said and just raised your voice as i was speaking and talked over me.

    i mean, with certain personalities, narcissistic to be exact, people get very affronted when boundaries are drawn or statements like that are made. so i feel damned if i do and damned if i don’t.

    maybe people feel this way with me? i believe i have just attracted what i was being before, passive aggressive and narcissistic. please please let this be over.

    because i truly do not know how to relate to or survive with this kind of behavior and since that was what i was being that was pretty much all that showed up on my radar so i AVOIDED people (also kind a of a sub-narcissistic trait)

    thankyou universe for showing me a different way. for showing me waht safe loving relationships look like. no wonder i felt so unsafe and was constantly on the mental defensive, thinking ALL people were going to react to me the same. becasue i was attracting the same personality disorder over and over again. 🙂

    i feel smiley right now for some reason. maybe i feel a ray of light of hope shining through? a possibility for things to be different? to have loving relationships and companions??

    i feel weird about posting all this drama and non-romantic-relationship stuff and also my obsession withh narcissism. i feel it is related because these are what are Preventing me from having the relationship(s) i want. but i understand if it might be overkill for some other people to read. I get that. also though since i feel so much healing i feel the desire to keep oversharing on this right now since it seems like its an allowable thing to do.

    plus maybe someone else is healing by reading it also. or not.



  63.  #63alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    so what is my stuff in this situation?

    -i did not speak up when i felt my rights were infringed upon
    -in the past when i did speak up sometimes it was in a reactive, caustic way (before rori tools) and my needs were still not taken into consideration
    -i continued to stay in an environment that did not serve me
    -i confuse people’s alignment with me in a co-worker capacity as Friendship. it was not. they were just aligning with me by proximity of sitting nearby in a dysfunctional working environment. I was someone to chat with and commiserate with but it was not Friendship and i got confused.
    -thinking it was a Friendship, i had a faulty view of friendship. to me it was always trying to be nice and not drawing true boundaries or sharing true feelings for fear of rejection or abandonment
    -if i had just taken it as a co-worker to co-worker relationship and been straight up and had tools for communicating things might have developed into a more pleasing and situation. or not. perhaps i would have been fired MUCH sooner as my healthier way of relating no longer matches up with that vibration.
    -i have a tendency to be reactive in a caustic way to perceptions of being dominated or disrespected
    -my personality itself can sometimes be dominating and disrespectful
    -i had a paranoia that all relationships would end the same as all the previous ones did so i was constantly looking for “signs” and lo and behold, surprise, i found them
    – i focussed on the negative aspects of people and situations and wanted to control (dominate) and change them into something more of my liking
    -i was coming from a place of feeling helpless and disempowered and unloveable and unworthy
    -i get jealous of people sometimes
    – i feel bad when people exclude me or dislike me
    -i feel guilty about my glee when someone who tried to fck with me takes a fall. 🙁 i love my judgements of myself and others. i love my progress.
    -once i feel threatened by someone i revert to Strategy to avoid being Dominated when really feeling messages may not change the other person but they may be more effective and more empowering and offer me more clarity to make desicions. if i am empowered i can create new situations that better please me. if i am coming from a place of disempowerment my desparate resort is to CHANGE the people or situation

    WHICH IS WHY CIRCULAR DATING WORKS SO WELL. it empowers me and gets my needs met and i don’t have to laser focus on one guy and change him to in order to make our experience into something that feels good.

    ah yes, see it does have something to do with finding the romantic relationship i want.



  64.  #64Erika on July 11, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    wow, that feels very honest. I feel inspired to look at my darkest parts.

    I feel scared sometimes when men pursue me. sometimes it feels good but often I’m scared their energy is going to come at me in a way that doesn’t feel good. I’m scared they won’t listen when I talk in feeling messages. I tend to become strident when I try to talk softly in feeling messages and don’t feel like I’m being heard. I feel angry and want to put up walls to protect myself. This Jason situation was an example of that. no matter what I said in feeling messages, I didn’t feel heard, so I wanted to put up a huge wall and lock it with a thousand locks and tell him to GTFO.



  65.  #65Erika on July 11, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    I feel sad when it feels like saying GTFO is the only option for restoring my calm and well-being.



  66.  #66alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    i am in many many many ways just like my boss. i accept this.

    i am in the first step- AWARENESS.

    great. can we move forward. can i be healed now becuase my head feels likke i am going to explode and i had something fun i have been looking forward to for months that i wanted to go to but i feel physcially flattened. thank you for restoring my health in the next hr.

    thank you for my new awareness which feels very icky and grimy and shameful. thank you. i love my shame. i love my shame. i love my shame. i love my shame. thank you.



  67.  #67alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    i am off to my event. miracles happen. i will not stop living my life and stay under the covers or in my cage due to my own shame or fears. i can forgive myself. others can forgive me if they choose. or not. i can choose to forgive others because just as i only has a certain amount of awareness on my own behavior, so is true for most people. they know not what they do. i can forgive. i am still contacting corporate human resources. i am still probably most likely going to be let go. but i di not remian silent. i will not remain silent. so if forgiveness means silence well forgive me again because i am not there. i will not remian silent. i do not need people involved to cop to their own part of this or poor behavior, i do not need my boss to be my fake friend, i do not need to feel guilty for continuing to speak out even though he is pretending to be my fake friend and ehhem allie.

    alliances are dangerous in my opinion. i usually try to stay away from them. but i made the mistake of long ago trying to ally against my boss because i felt so disempowered and would not directly coomunicate things to him. or even i did it was all twisted and turned around like this has been. it is a personality disorder developed in order for the person to SURVIVE AND STAY ALIVE.

    certainly it won’t be dismantled by a simple letter to corporate HR. i feel compassion and also a need to speak out and try to dismantle my own wounded core self and personality disorders.

    i hope this event this evening is fun. i feel very proud of myself for going. i feel nervous!



  68.  #68Aldonza on July 11, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    I’m feeling sad and frustrated. The very nice man I was circular dating has broken it off with me. When I say “very nice” I mean he was safe, kind, trustworthy. I chose him because he was so different from the bad boys. And now he’s decided he doesn’t want me.

    My on-again/off-again is sniffing around again. I gave him my “I’ll be dating others, but if you are also dating others, I will not be one of the women you date” speech. I figured he’d walk, but he came sniffing around again. We’ve been talking, but then he triggered me by feeding me a story about being too tired to see me tonight. A Saturday night when both of us are free…a very rare occurrence. I believe he is out with someone and lying about it. Trust is a major trigger with me. With good reason.

    I have been meeting a few men, either disappointing dates, or great dates that don’t go any further. I’m losing my energy for circular dating and ready to throw in the towel for a time. I feel like I’ve lost my mojo.

    I feel very alone.

    I haven’t had enough time or energy to date many others.



  69.  #69Tina on July 11, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    I dont understand what this means in Rori’s book – “what you are and where you are will be reflected back at you. ” Could someone please enlighten me?. thank you.



  70.  #70Ann on July 11, 2009 at 6:44 pm

    I am not sure Tina. But it reminds me of a quote I’ve recently came in contact with that really speaks to me:

    “What I think and feel and what I get are always a match. So if I want something different than what I’ve been getting, I have to somehow generate different feelings.”



  71.  #71Tina on July 11, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    I feel like giving the speech to “him”

    I feel if he calls me then I wont do it, I;ll take that as a sign he really does “care” for me.

    I feel empty and have nothing to give him right now.

    Do I call him and tell him (speech)

    I dont want to embarrass myself by calling him.

    I feel he dropped the ball, he most likely never caught it.

    What i find so terrifying is that , I could be cutting of the Mr, right. I feel terrified that I will be alone and insecure for a little while – i guess.

    Then again, I *think I will feel liberated and free with everything out in the open, about dating others and keeping an open heart to love and affection – which I am not getting presently.

    I feel in my deepest darkest hour, that he abandoned me. ugh!. All I said was “I need love and affection right now” he said that it was my insecurity showing up. hm I dont know



  72.  #72Tina on July 11, 2009 at 7:30 pm

    Do I just “do it” throw caution to the wind and just say it. If so , then how?. do I call him? do I wait for him to call?.



  73.  #73Tina on July 11, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    I tried before to give him the speech , for what ever reason , I felt not heard. I feel he will just dump me and move on. I feel this isnt so bad a feeling. especially if he didnt feel anything for me in the first place, then I would feel really embarressed for even bothering.



  74.  #74Tina on July 11, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    How do I know it is the right time?. is anytime the right time?. Am I using this as a form of control?. or at least *think I’ve gained some form of control?. fck I hate this shit !. ugh!



  75.  #75Tina on July 11, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    “Every minute you are with your man – or the man you are about to meet – who you are and where you are will be reflected back at you. ” This is the section I am talking about.



  76.  #76Tina on July 11, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    Does this mean that his non affection , non comforting , is just a reflection of me, if this is so god am i messed up. I thought I was giving love and affection by hugging him (attempting to, he cringes) I have nothing to give right now. I’m confused again.



  77.  #77Tina on July 11, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    Im feel furious, not knowing whether I am making the right decision by giving the speech. If and when he does call I could simply say ” i feel empty, I feel I have nothing to give” and say bye, I feel unable to talk right now.



  78.  #78alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    i feel supportive tina. i went to my event but didn’t go in yet because i don’t feel in the mood an there seems to some sort of street fair going on that feels more nejoyable and relaxed.

    i feel really sad and shameful. i love my sadness. i love my shame. i love my shame. i was doing the best i could. everyone is doing the best they can.

    i feel good though because it feels like some weird invisble force field has been removed from me. peope look like people to me. some lool like i’d like to know and some not. used to be everyone looked kinda of threatening to me.

    i feel like i just survived a really painful 20 year war. or i just survived chemo or something. i just survived something really terrible and draining that was taking alot of my energy away from being peaceful or happy.

    hah i am watching belly dancers right now as i wait for my falafel sandwich. they look very sexy and appealing to me. it looks like fun. i feel teary.



  79.  #79Tina on July 11, 2009 at 8:21 pm

    Alias girl
    That street fair is where I feel to be right now ,rather than waiting for or trying to figure out what to do about this man situation I have. When I do “dump” I dump for good, not this, “lets see what happens, Maybe he will come back” this is a for sure as sure as I can be ultimate capital letters D-U-M-P I hate this part of me, that says enough is enough fuck you and fuck off forever, no collecting 200 dollars, no get out of jail free card, notta, just be on your way. I dont feel he deserves a speech, I really dont , I just know I have to do it when I make up my mind to do it , it will be done. I bet there’s lots of great looking men there lol. damn it i want to go to the street fest!.



  80.  #80Tina on July 11, 2009 at 8:25 pm

    I gave it my best shot, I feel what else can I do/say. ugh! this feels exhausting, I dont want him to call, I want to call him and tell him. I believe its best to do this in person, so I hear. I really really really feel to call himand give him the speech. just call no in person thing. I feel its better for me to do it this way.



  81.  #81alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    hugs tina.

    a man just asked for my number and i gave it to him he wanted to call me tonight. i told him not tonight. he said tomorrow. he said maybe we’ll be boyfriend and girlfriend. hah. maybe. i mean who knows. 🙂

    i feel boyfriend worthy. i feel teary again.



  82.  #82Tina on July 11, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    Alias girl
    Hey, go for the gusto, say “maybe we’ll be husband and wife” with a smirky smile lol



  83.  #83Robin on July 11, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    I have to write a speech…

    I had to sing a special service with my ex this morning, we got into it about something, and in the process, I spoke from a very powerful place my truth and that some things he had said I didnt want to tolerate hearing…

    And I noticed that after I spoke from my goddessy tree trunk I let it go, but he wouldnt, he kept coming up to me telling me things I should have done, sorta to excuse himself, and it was like he just HAD to have the last word., I said one more time how I felt and what I didnt want to tolerate, and I finally walked away…

    And now I can feel myself zooming out and up and it feels like hes just doing these things, I kinda get the feeling its to see how much I will put up with…

    B/c later he gave me the check for singing and it was $15 less than it was supposed to be, and now I feel like Im being punished..

    So now I am working on what to say tomorrow, I still feel zoomed out, and it feels like Im viewing this from the outside looking in, I dont feel all caught up in this drama, although I can feel how easy it would be to go down that path…

    One thing feels certain and that is that I will not tolerate being ‘docked’, if he does that again, I wont be singing…

    What do you goddesses think?



  84.  #84Tina on July 11, 2009 at 9:40 pm

    Robin,
    I feel as if I am being punished for saying how I feel about having nothing to give and needing love and affection right now. The last time we had sex was not a good feeling for me. My head was flailing about, my brain felt sore. I said, “my brain hurts” he stopped for a minute and said, “you have a headache?” I said no, my brain just feels like its being banged around”. I didnt feel passion, sexy or any of my good feelings, just my brain being banged around. I said “stop , I cant do this right now” lol I could feel my legs flopping around, I was saying to myself ” I have nothing to give to you” ugh what the hell happened to me, usually I’m not so, oh I dont know what the word is for that feeling I feel when my brain is being banged around and my legs are flopping in the air. lol. turned off?.

    What a cheapo for not giving you your moneys worth. Fck him tell him he shorted you out of 15 bucks maybe it was an accident an oversite on his part. Dont cash the check, just give it back and say it was a mistake, he short changed you no matter what his intention.



  85.  #85Tracy on July 11, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    Alias,
    wow i feel so connected to your post about your work situation…..I felt that someone was putting in words the confusion that going through my head in a really articulate manner.Exactly as it is.
    It really triggered my thoughts on how i relate with my colleagues and the effect it has on my feelings and my thoughts.I Work in the accounts department and for myself i find that people try to align with me because they cannot connect with my boss who is very strict when it comes to financial matters and i feel compelled to listen to them and try and bridge a gap that exists yet for most part the measures that my boss has put across in the end benefit my work because the less lenient he is towards others the easier it is to reconcile the accounts.However like yesterday,i felt that he was too harsh to one of my colleagues who happens to be a close friend of mine.Maybe its because were close,i don’t know but it didn’t feel good at all…..I felt that he was inconsiderate and rude but that he did the right thing…..
    I felt angry and i wanted to smack him but i know that he was right all the same…but the funny thing is…it reminded me of the many times i have told other people off just because i felt i could…..the many times i have been rude and inconsiderate and i promised myself that inspite of the fact i have rules and regulations to follow i will be more polite more understanding and less judgmental.For my part my judgement stems from the fact that my dad was a poor manager of finances and so when i perceive another person to have the same faults i take out my anger on them…..I feel more peaceful coming to this understanding…..



  86.  #86Tracy on July 11, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    I feel that for the 8 months i have been on this blog,this has been the most inspiring post of them all…..
    I guess its because I AM ALWAYS IN OTHER PEOPLES STUFF…..ALWAYS….
    My head spins with what will he think,what should i do to make it okay for him/her…..how can i get out of this situation……
    I feel that for a long time i have lived other people’s lives,tried to control them,tried to make them happy,tried to please them…..and all for what!
    It feels tiring just thinking about it……….
    Living in the NOW is something I’d love to align myself with…….and from now on….just concentrate on my stuff…just concentrate on me.I have realized that i have so much growing up to do that i cannot possibly have time to analyze someone else….It feels much better doing this and so effortless…it takes effort of course and my mind is still spinning back to the past,or the future…or a should ville…..but i feel more inspired just to relax and live in the now and feel what i feel…



  87.  #87Tracy on July 11, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    Aldonza,
    I feel sad that the guy broke up with you….not surprised that he came back as they always do.I too feel tired and worn out with circular dating especially when i keep meeting guyz that i am not so attracted to and it feels more frustrating when i meet a guy i really like and he doesn’t reciprocate….I remind myself that dating is fun and i am dating to learn more about myself and become a diva that will attract a successful and loving,faithful man when i feel ready to do so…..
    This has helped me get rid of my agendas of settling down with just anyone,or having expectations before the man has really made up his mind…..and when he doesn’t come thrrough…..another one pop’s up and i move forward….



  88.  #88alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    robin i feel compassion. i liked what tina said about just stating you believe there’s been an oversight as the agreed upon amount was such and such.

    i know for me i can draw boundaries and for me i am learning to remind myself to let go of the results. he might say the agreed upon was less. he might take the check back and never follow through and give you another one. or he might say oh i’m so sorry you are correct. let me fix that for you right away. just because i remember what was promised doesn’t mean other people are willing to remember or follow through on what they promised. funnily enough which is this post of rori’s. i feel good you spoke from your goddess self.

    tina hahahaha i loved your little husband and wife joke. that felt good. i feel good i am in this place of being able to circular date the rori way. i’d have blown that guy off before. i almost did tonight. then i turned it around and backpedalled or whatever is the right phrase.

    and i emailed two guys back tonight. three guys i wouldn’t have givne a chance before.



  89.  #89alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    aldonza i feel compassion and supportive. sometimes i have to take a break from circular dating and just date myself. which i am getting much much better at. flowers, dates, meals. bubble baths, gifts, a teddy bear etc. i feel understanding of what it feels like to feel alone.



  90.  #90alias girl on July 11, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    tracey i feel very appreciative of your honesty. i feel good to read about remembering to stay out of ther people’s stuff and staying in the now and in my feelings too.

    i feel grateful. and very very soft even though my tough boy side is still alive an well. i like having both. i like feeling that my tough side is no longer running the show. and i made friends with my shamey swamp monster yesterday and she actually wept while i held her. she wept because i gave her a rose and she couldn’t believe i could still love her. i assured her i did and that i understood and i was not going to judge her only love her and hold her and be there for her.



  91.  #91Tina on July 11, 2009 at 11:54 pm

    I am reading “Have the Relationship You Want” I’m reading and doing the exercise “how does if feel to clench your fists and push and pull your man. ” I wrote about this before, about how I feel I can maintain the clenched fists when I am feeling particularly insecure and fearful. I feel soothed at feeling the strength my fists being able to hold that postion for a very long time, it hurts eventually and have to release my fists. I am reading and have pen and paper ready to do the exercise “what does a perfect relationshp look like to me” or something like that. I had hoped to invision a fairly attractive man, but no, I envisioned a slightly older man with a not so gorgous body lol NO NO NO. I have to start this over again. Why am I invisiioning a larger man , over six feet sheesh. My brain just wants to go there. ok, so I cant do this exercise without first having a clear physical discription of my “dream man” . ok, maybe Im missing the point, its more about sensual,
    smells, colors, yup ok. My ideal relationshp and what is looks like. Ok back to the drawing board.



  92.  #92Tina on July 12, 2009 at 12:17 am

    I was at the check-out line, I noticed I was standing behind a man , he stood about or at least 6’5ish. I had noticed him checking me out as I was shopping. I kept meeting up with him in the aisles. He was with his girlfriend/wife. I stood behind them at the checkout line. He starts to say something to her, I got the impression he was not happy with what she did or didnt do. I didnt feel she was paying much attention to what he was saying. His face lit up and he seemed to soften when he was checking me out , a smile even. I want that, the ability to turn my man to mush, just by him seeing me , even at my worse, my empty feelings, my nothing to give. I was wearing my purple sundress, so this could be it, but I just liked the feeling of being adored for a minute- not from him, just want that reaction in my ideal relationship, ALL THE TIME!. ok maybe not all the time, I dont feel that there is much that any man can do for me now, I need to be alone for awhile, with my shitty , stinky nasty feelings. ok so I want him to be waiting for me and feeling very concerned and showing concern and giving me love and affection later ok or something like that. I have to work this out.



  93.  #93alias girl on July 12, 2009 at 12:19 am

    tina i feel amused often at your sense of humor.

    so i feel good to be in my bed and my body and mind are not all revved up from the work drama. i feel peaceful i have come to a resolution. i sent the email to corporate hr earlier. i feel ok to stay at the job. i feel ok to leave. i do not feel ok with doing what my boss is asking me to do so my guess is i will be pushed out of the boat. but i feel at peace with that. i will just take it one day at a time and do my best. hopefully i will get unemployment while i look for a new job but if not ok. hopefully i will get an equal or greater paycheck than i was recving but if not ok. i feel employable. if i had not stood up for myself and followed this through just to keep the old job i would have felt unemployable. weird how that is. just like when i ried to hold on to men out of fear or desparation . i would feel afraid that was my last true chance at happiness witth a man. but once i started paying attention to my feelings and drawing boundaries i feel boyfriend worthy.

    i feel at peace. i feel loved. i feel grateful. i feel very very strong. i do NOT need to prove how strong i am when someone tries to dominate me. i have already proven this to myself. i do not need to engage in power struggles. i can state things clearly using rori’s tools. if someone slaps me with antagonism i can express my feelings and turn away. i can express as many feelings as i want as often as i want. i get to choose who i let close to me. i get to activley make real friendships with people who are in a frienship back with me. i get to stop my mind from creating imaginary relationships and make real ones now

    oh and i though of another thing for my list of stuff
    -i said i do not align with people. this is very true. i did not really consider people to be my allies. or if some one had a beef with someone i did not i would not align against that person out of peer pressure.however i would align against people i did not likke. so i was mistaken. yae (sarcasm)



  94.  #94Tina on July 12, 2009 at 12:31 am

    I dont feel attracted to “pretty boys”. My boyfriend is a pretty boy, I WANT TO BE THE PRETTY ONE OK DAMNIT. this could explain why I was not attracted to him in the first place. I saw and felt pressure in my head and my feeling of feeling sucked in, drained. ugh!. I feel stronger than him , way stronger mentally and emotionally stronger than him. When I am in his arms I feel his weekness. When he is in my arms I feel my strength can carry us away god! This feels ok for me, I feel confident, but ALL THE TIME no no no no no. This is so wrong,



  95.  #95Tina on July 12, 2009 at 12:49 am

    Alias girl,
    I feel happy to hear that you have a belief system. At times for me , I feel my belief system and the lies I have been tellling myself have to be sorted out, clearing the way to better bounderies for myself.



  96.  #96Maria on July 12, 2009 at 4:44 am

    AG your personal growth is visible through your posts. Keep going!



  97.  #97Erika on July 12, 2009 at 9:36 am

    My mom was a terrible manager of finances too. This is why a guy who’s not good with money is such a huge trigger for me. When I was growing up, it was a constant feeling of disempowerment cuz there were so many things we couldn’t do. “Mom, I really want to learn how to play piano.” “No, we can’t afford a piano.” I didn’t understand why my dad couldn’t just get a job that paid more. I felt angry and sad and helpless. Then I saw her spend money on frivolous silly things that didn’t help anyone (compulsively, like an addiction), and I felt worse.

    So when a man who is not good with money tries to force a commitment on me, it triggers MASSIVE upsetting feelings for me. It’s probably one of my greatest fears with relationships, that I’ll lose control of my living and financial space, because I have created a lot of ease and flow and peace in those areas, and it’s hard for me to trust that other people will create the same ease and flow and peace. I feel skeptical and scared.

    This feels like a really deep issue for me.



  98.  #98Erika on July 12, 2009 at 9:40 am

    There was also a feeling of shame around it. I couldn’t wear the same clothes like other kids because “we couldn’t afford it.” At one point I got free lunch tickets and had to go to a special room to get them. I remember not wanting anyone to know because I felt ashamed my family couldn’t handle money better. I didn’t have a sense of belonging. I guess I’m not surprised I felt so angry in the situation with Jason. I felt defiant, like “there is no way in hell that anyone is ever putting me back in that horrible space ever again.”

    I love ease and flow around money. I love knowing my bills are going to get paid every month. I really want to be with a man who is going to enhance those already-good feelings.



  99.  #99alias girl on July 12, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    i feel sooo excited to get back on track with my exercising and hobbies and new business venture. i was very sidetracked by this neccessary but draining period of growth that came out of all the drama.

    i feel so good to relax today and just take it easy. i feel very excited that my tummy which has always been a little more than i like is finally kind of nice. a few more months of situps and i might be bangin’. heh.

    i feel good about my decisions. i feel good and proud about myself. my current mantra is I Forgive Myself.

    that’s what feels most important on my quest to give and receive and Be love. to keep the focus on myself as rori’s post suggests and to forgive myself when the honest look at myself reflects something i feel ashamed about.

    baby steps. 🙂



  100.  #100Erika on July 12, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    I’m feeling like taking a break from blogging and men for a while … kinda feel like going to Bali by myself and never coming back.



  101.  #101alias girl on July 12, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    although you know, i am probably still a ways to go. i have an urge to wear my hair in adult pigtails tomorrow for my big day of refusing to eat sh*t and so will be interpretted most likely as insubordination and grounds for termination.

    ponytails (totally cute) and then this really cute half sweater i have that has sequins all over it and a wife beater white tank that says OUTLAW.

    what do you think?

    am i just having fun with it? being provocative? or continuing my antagonism?



  102.  #102searchingwithin on July 12, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    I have such a hard time with expressing and being vulnerable to say what I am feeling, so many times. And one of the things I am working the hardest on right now.

    There is also something I need to express to someone, that I have been wrestling with. So, this article has come at the perfect time for me. Thanks.



  103.  #103Winks on July 12, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Erika, Bali sounds about right. I’m with ya!



  104.  #104cookie on July 12, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    Just reading through all of the entries. I feel in agreement with many of the things u ladies described particularly the stuff around how u interact with others. I feel less alone n off in our likenesses. I feel compelled to respond more but am not able to. Right now



  105.  #105Robin on July 12, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    Wow thank you Tina and Alias,

    Well I mentioned it today I said I feel confused, my check was a little short, and he said well we didn’t discuss the rate, and I said its $75 (thats what it always is), and he goes sometimes, so I just looked at him and said, ‘and when is that?’ not mean, just curiously , and he goes well actually you came unprepared, you didn’t learn the first song, so thats why your check was less, and I just told him ‘no I don’t do pro-rated fees’,

    Well he started spewing, I mean just going on and on, to the point that I couldn’t even get a word in, He was really angry, so I just backed up and listened, he said all kinds of things that I ‘should’ have done, how unprofessional it was for me to come without the song learned, that he could have gotten someone else, and that he shouldn’t have given me any pay…

    And I said ‘wow I can feel how angry you are, but I dont take pro-rated fees, my fee is my fee….and I walked away…

    And I was getting in touch with my goddess trying to figure out what to say next, certain that the conversation wasn’t over, I was singing, so I couldn’t talk to him at that moment,

    And he said to me out of the blue ‘if you think you deserve the full amount I will bring you the rest next week’, to which I said yes…and he was HAPPY

    I feel completely surprised, I don’t know what I said, I was in the midst of preparing to say something from my power, and apparently I had already said something that changed everything, I dunno…

    I just felt so surprised, it was completely not what I expected,

    And the best part is that I never felt angry, I just always felt calm and confident, and Woah! I feel so connected to my goddess…



  106.  #106Ann on July 12, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    Wahoo Robin, I’m glad you’re getting the rest of your money.

    I feel he felt your vibe, he felt the goddess and he liked it. You said it all right here:

    “And the best part is that I never felt angry, I just always felt calm and confident, and Woah! I feel so connected to my goddess…”



  107.  #107Ann on July 12, 2009 at 6:07 pm

    Some of you might of read and participated in my request for help the other night. I was trying to figure out a part time job I might enjoy doing. In my search I figure out finally, what I’m passionate out.

    I’m passionate about learning about new things, researching new things, experimenting to see if ideas work and trying to figure out how to help myself and others with the things I learn. I guess it’s my personality because I need to be excited about whatever I’m researching or I lose interest and get bored easily. I need a motivator to learn, research and experiment.

    Now to figure out how to take something I love to do and help myself and others and get paid for it.



  108.  #108alias girl on July 12, 2009 at 7:23 pm

    OMG ROBIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT”S AWESOME! I FEEL SO GOOD FOR YOU!!! THANK YOU FOR SHARING. I FEEL VERY UPLIFTED AND CALMED BY READING THAT.



  109.  #109Tina on July 12, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    I had no choice but to say to him in a phone message my “speech”. It was driving me insane to wait for his call. I did , I left a phone message, my voice cracked here and there but I did it. The time ran out and got cut off as I was closing. I called back, he answered, I asked him if he heard my message, he said no, I said listen to my message then said bye. I waited awhile, ran an errand to the store then called back , he didnt answer, so I left another message, I just wanted to clear things up, I dont feel the need to sleep with other men, just I will be accepting and dating other men. I will not be calling you back, I feel embarressed and humiliated leaving messages like this on your phone, if you want to talk the door is open, just not now.

    I feel much better now, I am not anticipating his phone call to “make up” or drop what I’m doing to fullfill his needs, I said to him “I feel empty and have nothing to give you at this time” I wont be calling you again. bye.

    I felt really good and in control of my emotions, I dont feel like he has me hanging on a tight rope anymore. This was the only way I could do it, he would have left me hanging for a week until I eventually break down and do anything to accept me again. blah, I hated that feeling.I did feel this feeeling today, I allowed to feel what that felt like, I wanted to smash something to stop feeling this but I kept myself feeling this feeling. I am tired , i was tired and felt powerless. I AM NOW FREE TO CIRCULAR DATE ANYONE , ANYTIME, ANYWHERE ANY PLACE. I feel free, I put myself in this trap, I know how to get out. I know it is recommended to do this in person, I just felt like he wasnt going to call until I reached my breaking point and PUT UP with whatever treatment he doled out to me. So what is my first item on my agenda when it comes to circular dating?. I need men first of all , I suppose.

    I dont know whether or not he is angry, I just know I feeling ignored and it feels awful but now I can say I wont be calling him because he knows for sure that I wont be doing anymore calling after what I said. I lied I just left an sent an email telling him I appreciated all the litttle things he has done for me and I know his style is to “ignore” me and I feel that I wanted to say that. anyway thats it , its done. I am HERE.



  110.  #110Tina on July 12, 2009 at 8:17 pm

    Robin, I feel happy , you stuck to your ‘guns” and he is giving you what you are owed, however I dont feel “good” about him making you just through hoops to get what was left of the money he owed for your singing services, to listen to his rants, I feel you handled that situation in an elegent manner 🙂



  111.  #111alias girl on July 12, 2009 at 10:20 pm

    maria thank you for your support. i had written thank you in a previous comment and then decided not to post the comment. but i feel appreciative and thank you for recognizing my progress.

    tina i feel supportive of you on your goddess journey.

    so i considerd a lawsuit for wrongful termination. i called four or five attorneys today and left messages. and woosh all my focus started figuring how to prove my case. and it’s called a legal BATTLE because it’s a semi civilized FIGHT. but i don’t want to fight. i really don’t. i want to be treated respectfully and equally with blatant cruel antagonsim and harrassment.

    also there is an actual latin term for what my boss is trying to do to twist things around it called ad hominem or something like that. it’s basically when someone attempts to start assisinating your (my) character as a mean of deflecting from the orignal proveable issues that i brought up. or by assisinating my character he somehow invalidates the issues. also he illicits an emotional reaction by doing so. either way my original issues get pushed aside for this new created issue about my so called character problems. ew. all that and he can be my fake friend tooo.

    i also looked for new jobs on the web.

    and the we could be boyfriend/girlfriend guy never called. i actually feel relieved as i really did not see it going very far.

    but one of the online guys called while i was hiking and left a very sweet and normal message. and he said he was sorry he missed me and would try me back. 🙂 i felt good. i feel good to be pursued.



  112.  #112Daria on July 12, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    I was creating something in my mind, something that can become reality if i imagine it…

    so it was a job where people get paid to wokr on themselves… it could be a non -profit that hires people, esp men with past issues and pays them somewhat more than they would be paid at a job they could get… to work on themselves, including tools, eft, healing, addiction healing, teaching how to build a business etc…

    also for women they would get paid to do stuff that makes them feel good..

    i think this could be a great foundation that does this, all you have to do to work here would be to have had trouble in the past or just want to participate…

    and everyone would be healing so the foundation would be successful and teach communication skills and all typse of fun stuff



  113.  #113alias girl on July 13, 2009 at 12:18 am

    oh daria i want to get paid for that! since i already do it passionately for FREE!!!! i feel rejoyceful to go to work for daria’s foundation!

    i kind feel i will be rewarded somehow for following my instincts and my passions. people -some- think i am crazy.

    i talked with my EX tonight. and he told me i think too much. he told me people can learn love. i get what he was saying but maybe he didn’t understand my passion for learning how to love. like jesus i said. and then we talked about that.

    i feel like he is my husband i have been married to for fifty years. my philandering but loving husband that i understand and am understood by even when we are misunderstanding each other.

    anyway i feel excited about working for this fabulous foundation but i feel a little confused how it generates income. hmmmm….let my consider this. what do you think?



  114.  #114alias girl on July 13, 2009 at 12:31 am

    i feel annoyed when so many of my sentences come out the exact opposite of what i was trying to say. i think it has to do with typing from this tiny cellphone keyboard.

    my EX said people can’t learn love. not can. that was our discussion. he said it’s already in you. i said yes but if i put up blocks preventing me from giving or receveing love i can learn to unblock. he said no. hehe

    anyway thinking is important at this stage of evolution. as humans. that’s what makes us human! thinking plus feeling energy = creation. yes? for now anyway that is what i believe.

    i feel excited to be on the edge of new thinking/creating. that’s what the book, Ask and it is Given says. i am on the edge. like a pioneer. i mean that feels exciting to me. if you can think it you can create it. how is that not orgasmically exciting????



  115.  #115Tina on July 13, 2009 at 1:05 am

    I never told my now oh I dont know what to call him now, he’s not my boyfriend so now what do I call him?. anyway, I never told him I loved him. I’ve only ever asked him, if he loved me, he said ya I love ya. hm didnt feel like it to me. He said “one day at a time” I take this as stalling for time, anyway, I told said those words to him. I’;ve used the words ‘ I really like you” now Im not so sure. I;’m not sure if it was fear and insecurity or love, most likely fear and insecurity. I botched up my “speech” but I got my point across. I was feeling unsure but leaning towards the “just do it now” feelings. I feel my timing was good, i dont feel there is a ever a “good feeling time” to tell the guy you’ve been dating for a year and half, that you really like him however dating other men is an option, you’d like to exercise sheeesh.



  116.  #116Tina on July 13, 2009 at 1:12 am

    I want a job where I get paid to work on myself! sounds exciting. I do work in an enviroment where I am able to do that but with co-workers. I would be breaching confidentiality if I discuss my work, so I have to be careful and focus on my relationship stuff here. I feel as I am learning a lot from these forums.



  117.  #117Aggy on July 13, 2009 at 3:44 am

    His stuff is none of my business!!!
    That is a good one
    So what happens if he involves you in his stuff??
    like asking for help in something, you help yeah!
    so are you not involved here?



  118.  #118Daria on July 13, 2009 at 10:56 am

    The foundation would generate money because there are also people who want to donate, or want to purchases the services, art, etc. of the people running it and participating. It could ideally also get government grants… and of course there are people there who naturally manifest money and etc…

    The more fun and good and healthy and close to their hearts passion the activities the people engage in the more they get paid. the idea is yes to get paid for doing the things you already do passionately for free

    For example i am just now getting paid 15 dollars to write on this blog…

    one of the results could be to reverse peoples concept of money flow and how some ppl think it only comes when you do “work” in a boring, not feel good way and that you sacrifice yourself to get money… instead we reverse it and you get money when you don’t sacrifice your wants…

    this may even reprogram everyone to magically manifest money when we start to associate it with feeling good and doing things that feel good

    because like AG said the stuff we are doing good for us now I DO believe will help us make money



  119.  #119Daria on July 13, 2009 at 11:02 am

    Last nite i had a fun conversation with a man that I have been talking with for awhile. He wanted to tell me about his “life” dating life because he said that well since I didn’t take some steps toward him when he was taking steps toward me he thought i didn’t like him enough. I know this is not really true although he may think it is.

    Anyway I started crying that it felt bad. I said i didn’t know we were just friends and I like you and I don’t know if I can be your friend.

    We talked. A lot about me not wanting to “move” towards him. I told him if he had his own apartment I would move in for free and cook.

    At the end of the conversation he was making plans to see me today…. and basically said that even though he’s living with a woman (that let him move in) right now, he wants his own spot. Well duh… that’s why I don’t take steps towards you because it would be taking steps From you basically. And it kind of came around to where he said that if he had his own apartment now me moving in would sound nice. LOL!

    I went from a discussion where basically he was telling me I Just Want to Be Friends, I’m Dating Someone…
    to me feeling bad and holding my boundaries regardless of his awesome logic…
    to him wanting to date Me again. Lol.

    I feel amused and surprised at this! I was so close to caving and saying we could just be friends, but since I felt bad about it I didn’t… and things just turned around in one convo. Amazing.



  120.  #120Daria on July 13, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    people will get paid to participate in EFT sessions with skilled healers, and learn to do it themselves…

    people will get paid to learn new languages and also dialects like “professional dialect”…

    also get paid to learn about different cultures and different dialects and ways of thinking



  121.  #121Linda on July 13, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    My stuff and his stuff. Great food for thought. I have often spent way too much time trying to figure out the wrong things in the past.

    The idea of “you are here” is so practical. Today is not yesterday and while I hope for tomorrow I dont have an agenda, just a goal. Staying on course is often a challange and a full time job for me.

    Someone commented on the last thread about my inner confidence. I appreciated that very much. We often dont know how the things we say will be connected with or related to. I think confidence is an element of our beauty. Knowing your stuff and not letting something of his knock your confidence down by theirs is key for me. I am responsible for me and he for him.

    I just came back from a awesome week end trip with the man who said I wasn’t “it all” for him. Well out of his mouth spilled the words…”you truly are the whole package” !…”you are the perfect fit”. “when I am with you everything feels right…or you feel so good to me… feel….he told me he needed me…. now when he started using feeling messages I knew this was real this time. Yes feeling change.. but this man has never said anything like that to me ever!

    We started out Friday… with him asking me to his place an absolute first. (He made us dinner!)… then followed with our trip leaving Saturday afternoon.. I asked him On Sunday afternoon as we were headed to a work party of his (he invited me to join him another first)!…I simply asked… have you had a good weekend?… he said “yes I cant remember when I have had such a wonderful time.”…. He told me out of his own volition in the midst of the activity that would not lend itself as a tender, meaningful moment…he spoke softly…”I love you”…. he told me this morning as I left for work…”your not gone and I miss you already”!…. more feeling messages! wow !

    After months of him declaring I was not the one for him… he has now done a 180 !…There are things that still need to take place for me to put my full weight in this relationship… like I said I have no agenda, no script, only a goal and destination. Being true to yourself, knowing and creating boundries, letting go of things that are not ours to control…, understanding our triggers and dealing with them so we dont infect another relationship is so vital. I feel I have done this and those things have build a foundational confidence. I carry myself differently, see myself differently too.

    Tonight I wish I were going to see him, but in a way it is good I am not. I only want him here if he wants to be. He text me and said he was going home tonight and that he would call me late and please be careful working in the yard…Being apart tonight helps me get centered in a way again. I could choose the old thought path… we had such a good time.. what is wrong now why doesn’t he want to see me tonight?.. that is my trying to figure out his stuff.

    This is where I am now. Here today in this moment. I will not let his stuff (sometimes it is all imagined incorrect reasoning on my part anyway).affect my confidence or who I have finally given myself permission to be and become. I have my goal set and I am not diverting. He has stepped way up but has more ground to claim too. The thing is I am not going to let any insecurity in myself be the reason he doesnt continue in his present course. That is my way of being responsible for my stuff. I love myself this way, it feels right and peaceful. Something I have been long lacking.

    Linda



  122.  #122alias girl on July 13, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    linda i felt teary reading your comment. i feel all choked uo. i feel appreciative you share your journey. i feel so lovely watching us all baby step by baby step become goddessey. i feel quite moved.



  123.  #123Simply Shannon on July 13, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    Linda: Thank you for sharing…especially this line:
    “I could choose the old thought path… we had such a good time.. what is wrong now why doesn’t he want to see me tonight?.. that is me trying to figure out his stuff.” Gulp. Lightbulb moment. I wasn’t really understanding this post but your post made it clear for me. Wow. Thank you!



  124.  #124Tina on July 13, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    My right side of my brain feels strain, when I allow myself to let my insecurity and fears dictate my actions in a relationship. This is when I feel drained. I met him for the first time and my right side of my brain was feeling drained. Just above my right eye- towards the back , just below my skull towards teh back, a small area feels strained. My eyes are shut and I feel now a slight ache in that area, coming and going, its gone now, my brain feels strained, on my right side towards teh back. my right temple?. yeah did it move?my shoulders are hunching, down my arms. This is where my insecurity and fear and need to control come from that place in my brain behind my right eye, more toward my right temple now. it moves around, top right of my eye to templethis is where my feelings of control, fear and insecurity is. I want to stop it, its damaging my mind and body, spirit. I feel pressure, my finger is feeling that this is where my feelings of anxiety come from,in this area. My jaw feels unaligned, I clench my jaw and I feel that area in my brain, anxiety fear my body hurts, it hurts my body, it releases chemicals,or something, I feel it with my finger, my other side is not the same, just this side. between my upper jaw and my skull , a soft spot, not so soft , feels pain, tension, three inches from my right eye, up, in there between the bones, that is were it is. could it be a nerve?. I feel good to relax and say I have nothing to give you right now. I am nothing, I am no one, I am here, right now. My jaw feels released, my brain feels calm. That was cool, I want to be and feel like this all the time. no defenses, no acting, no thing. no giving, just being, just a being, I dont want to act anymore. I love my coffee pot , my mismatched cups in the dish rack. there clean and I dont care . funny all these cups have meaning to me. my mismatched dishes i can tell you when and where i got each and every one of them. lol. crazy crazy but no one knows this about me. fck them!. i feel sad about that, im alone really really alone but I have mismatched cups ahaha



  125.  #125Bethany on July 13, 2009 at 9:00 pm

    Linda, I feel inspired by your boundary-setting. I feel so weird about sex. I feel like untangling this has been a big one for me–his stuff and my stuff. The other week he was visiting me and in bed he rolled over on me and started rubbing on me and then, let’s just say, it ended abruptly. When he was doing that I felt frozen–I wanted to say no, and I could feel it in my mouth but it wouldn’t come out. I just went inside myself and froze. I felt sooooo weird…and I figured out that even if we’re not having intercourse, the gray area sex stuff is oxytocin-triggering and I don’t feel like being hormonally bonded to him even more is a good thing until I get the circular dating thing really going…so he called tonight and asked me if something was wrong and I said “I’m not mad at you, but I’ve been feeling confused about our physical relationship…I love being with you in that way and it feels good, but I don’t know how sex and the gray area sex acts we have going fit into the big plan I have for my future…what do you think?” He agreed with me…and I could feel a clearing-out of tension…sigh, baby steps.



  126.  #126Tina on July 13, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    The matching set of four,pastel yellow, mauve, two shades of green – a christmas gift from my friend.

    A cup with blue flowers I stole from a house I rented, was my favorite cup but now its yours (boyfriends).

    crystal glass tumblers – a gift from your ex, but you have me half of them

    red polka dotted cups 2 – a gift from my daughter, a breakfast tray set but i threw out the set lol. who eats or am I going to serve breakfast in bed oh hell no.

    an old plastic coffee traveling mug – yours but it made its way to my dish rack somehow.

    1 popular coffee shop coffee mug – there were two but I dropped one. a gift from you (boyfriend) yeah him

    Two coffee cups from an event with the event date and name on it. my sisters boyfriend had lots of cups and give me these.



  127.  #127Tina on July 13, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    Betheny, I hear you, I did the same thing, he gives me this bullshit line ‘One day at a time” lol. yeah right, ok well im going to start accepting dates from other men, I dont have the time for that crap anymore, I feel liberated and oh I cant wait to see what unfolds, he may leave me forever but you know?. fck it , I dont care anymore. I have nothing to give him right now, and he didnt stick around for me to tell him in person. I was used to feeling just annoyed I couldnt figure out why, now I know, I just simply have nothing to give him right now. that feels good to me.



  128.  #128alias girl on July 13, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    yeah tina i don’t get the breakfast in bed thing either. 😉

    i felt excited that you were riffing!



  129.  #129alias girl on July 13, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    tina i feel so confused when you keep saying you have nothing to give him. i feel completely clueless everytime i read it. i don’t want to be mean and i don’t want to be needling. i just feel like a poof of cartoon smoke in my brain whenever i read it. and yet it feels soooo significant to everything. and i feel bad because i am missing this really significant part of tina of why she can not be with her boyfriend. i feel baffled.



  130.  #130Tina on July 13, 2009 at 10:50 pm

    It doesn’t make any sense to me either, its just where I am at right now. I am going through my period time , that time of the month, why do people call it that?, I have better things to do at what I call “my time of the time” my time to what? to feel afraid, alone and crazy?. My time of the month is where I am happy and doing the things I enjoy doing, nothing comes to mind right now of what I enjoy doing. I’m bleeding bright red and dont enjoy it nor do I feel like giving. I feel ok with that. I feel men are punishing me when I am having my “time of the month” sounds like time of my life lol. I stand up for myself, I know how I feel, I hear bullshit, I say fck your bullshit. He splits. so I feel I have nothing to give big deal.



  131.  #131Tina on July 13, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    I am aware of my weakness, I feel needy and insecure. I need a safe place to land. I need love, comfort, affection during this time. I need understanding. I need compassion. He has compassion for a bum on the street, bums need compassion too. He’s not getting his “stuff” from a bum though. My ex put hot towels on my back, god why did i leave him, ok right his scary violence.



  132.  #132Tina on July 13, 2009 at 11:09 pm

    anyway, I need rest.I need sleep, fck the bum and fck him.



  133.  #133Daria on July 14, 2009 at 3:04 am

    I am here now.

    And without thinking about Why I am here… I feel

    kind of lost… inert in one place… STUMPED… i feel stumped about this getting money thing

    i feel… worried

    worried and stumped



  134.  #134Daria on July 14, 2009 at 3:06 am

    Ann… I just asked for EFT help when the subject came up in a chat room… i was in a chat room watching Wendi Friesen’s Hypnosis show online…



  135.  #135Dorothea on July 14, 2009 at 9:19 am

    I wish I had the time to read all of these comments…

    I just wanted to drop in and say that this blog is still extremely helpful and last night a man I have been seeing took it upon himself to tell me what he likes so much about me – and it was all the stuff Rori and you gals have been working on and talking about!!!!!!!

    He couldn’t quite put it into words – he kept saying he likes how I have expectations for what I want a relationship to be and how I want to be treated and I thanked Rori under my breath for giving me the tools I needed to set BOUNDARIES. He was talking about my boundaries and didn’t realize it. Boundaries are sexy, ladies! Don’t ever feel ashamed or like you’re asking for too much by sticking to your boundaries! He said he knows I won’t stick with something if I don’t like it and that I am so confident and sexy to him for that. The Old Me would have felt afraid that I am not “giving” him enough to keep him around, or like I need to “give him a break” when I’m feeling bad about how he is acting toward me.

    There is another man in my circle…I told him I am pretty “old fashioned” when it comes to dating, which took him by great surprise because I am a very active lady in a “man’s” professional world. However, by the end of the night he left me a gift as a token of his interest and appreciation. I used to feel afraid that this is not what men want. But I feel like men appreciate the simple clarity that is me Jane, he Tarzan when it comes to dating.

    Gotta go!



  136.  #136Rori Raye on July 14, 2009 at 9:52 am

    Wow – Bethany – what a brilliant “speech” – I want to use this in letters and programs — it’s just a perfect way to put this…Love, Rori



  137.  #137alias girl on July 14, 2009 at 11:41 am

    i feel curious if everytime EFT gets mentioned someone gets paid. i do not want to be judgmental. i just feel more understanding now why EFT is being trumped a lot.

    everytime i see EFT i feel myself shutdown and i feel confused why. certainly i feel understanding about how the internet works and people trying to get traffic to their own sites so they go to other people’s blogs and stuff and post about their own agenda. i understand and will probably be doing the same thing when i start my own blog.

    i feel unclear why i am triggered. maybe because it seemed like once a couple of people made reference to the excessiveness of the eft references and feeling they were being pushed then it almost seemed like the references increased. and since i am dealing with antagonism in myself right now maybe that’s just all i see.

    i forgive myself.

    i had been introduced to eft a long while ago and hadn’t really made a strong decision about it one way or the other. but then once it started getting pushed on this blog so heavily i just developed a biased unfair opinion of it (that i still hold ) i feel angry.

    but for me if i encounter a too pushy sales man i shut down and leave the store.

    i feel bad if i didn’t coomunicate in the perfect way.

    i forgive myself.



  138.  #138Daria on July 14, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    I feel confused and triggered about the EFT issue. EFT is a tool like riffing… I feel angry…

    I feel defensive… I feel attacked



  139.  #139Daria on July 14, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    I feel like attacking…

    I feel furious and like crying about something else ..

    I FEEL LIKE DECLARING OH BY THE WAY I WAS JUST ANSWERING ANN’s QUESTION…. which was directed to ME and about EFT

    I’m not trying to push EFT on anyone… any more than I’m trying to push other helpful tools on them…

    I feel rebellious

    EFT EFT EFT EFT EFT EFT

    i feel guilty

    I feel amused

    i feel pouty lips

    so I want to share a new EFT thing…

    theres a thing called Tappy Bear which is a teddy bear you can tap EFT on…

    it seems that if you put the question to a kid like… Tappy Bear is worried about going to school today… can you tap on him for that?

    then since they’re tapping about “tappy bear’s” problem then the subconcious doesn’t put as much resistance and the issue clears up easier

    so i’ve been doing (in my head) tappy bear tapping… imagining myself tapping on the bear… and it doesn seem to take the edge of some issues… when i think about Tappy Bear having them, they don’t seem so intense… and it’s been working nicely

    I feel irritated, judged, annoyed, angry



  140.  #140Daria on July 14, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    It would feel good if I got paid everytime EFT gets mentioned. That is ok by me… if anyone would like to donate to ME I can provide you with a way to do that using paypal



  141.  #141Daria on July 14, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    I feel guilty… I feel scared of having pushed people away with my trait since I was a kid of doing the exact thing people said NOT to do in order to tease them…



  142.  #142alias girl on July 14, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    i feel compassion.

    i made a list of all the negative traits i was focussing on with my co-workers. all their so called Evil-ness that i was so huffy about.

    i have the same traits.

    i made a list of their positive glowing attributes. i have a lot of the same. i was only focussing on my good and their bad. i was disowning my yuck and projecting it onto other people and demoniizing them.

    how dare you. i would never. etc etc.

    i forgive myself. i love myself. which allows me to love others a little bit more.

    i don’t know if my teddy bear would benefit from eft . maybe but he is very well adjusted and loving and non reactive. i don’t feel like he retains trauma in his stuffing or fur. i can sit on him and he just doesn’t seem to care.



  143.  #143alias girl on July 14, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    i have decided my desired outcome for my work drama

    forgiveness.

    but i can’t force other people to forgive me or warm up to me.

    i want to be treated as equal. to be considered and not made a joke and antagonized against and aligned against.

    but it feels no win. if i speak up the situation becomes intensified. if i don’t speak up, which i did for months, the situattion becomes intensified. ok. actually the way i feel now (empowered, worthy, persecuted, forgiving, self reflective on my own flaws) feels way better than what i had been feeling before.

    ok. so that’s good.

    i want to be in my colorful environment with fun and prosperity and mutual appreciation.

    but i feel very afraid to leave my job. i just want magical new situations to appear!!!! if that happened i’d be like later gators.

    or would i?

    do i still want some sort of Justice? rrrrrgh. i feel guilty for wanting justice. what is justice anyway?

    -fair resolution in regards to the original issue
    -being treated professionally
    -no bizarro character assassinations as a means to not deal with the not being treated equally

    what is justice?

    i feel guilty for wanting to be treated equal.

    oh no no no i just realized what it is.OMG. THANK YOU!

    i am being / or they are trying to make it seem like it was all me. like everybody else was blameless.

    well hello family issues nice to see you again.

    that seems to be my desired outcome. i want shared responsibility for this situation but i feel i have been caring the burden for all the dysfunction. why yes family, i recognize you quite clearly now. i feel hurt and confused in my family to always be the CRAZY one when i said anything about something that felt not good. omg. thank you.



  144.  #144alias girl on July 14, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    yes nothing could ever be questioned in my family.

    just eat more and more sh*t til i literally wanted to kill myself because i felt so bad about myself. and then to be made scapegoat for all the sickness.

    ew.
    ew.

    i would not trade this experience / this redo at my job. i do not like it. it does not feel good. but every new awareness, every shift in my consciousness and ways of being are bring me closer to more love. more compassion.

    and it may not look that way to anyone else i truly do want my love to flow in and out boundlessly.

    i feel a weird lump in my throat that i just swallowed.i feel grateful.

    i want shared responsibilty for this co created situation. that is my desired outcome for the universe to handle. thank you. and i aslo want love and fun and colors and playfulness and prosperity and adventure and daringness and yumminess.thank you.



  145.  #145Erika on July 14, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    LOL !!!

    I would tap on Harvey, my cat, but he runs away.

    I can guarantee everyone that I don’t get paid when I mention EFT. I mention it because it works.

    I mention it because I used to have all those same problems at work, and now they’ve cleared up completely from using it.

    Last night I tapped and bawled my eyes out and screamed, and now I feel much better and there has been a major shift in my situation, thank you very much 🙂

    EFT, EFT, EFT, haha, I feel happy and mischievous and free.



  146.  #146Erika on July 14, 2009 at 7:04 pm

    Thank you, angels, for EFT.

    I need technical help from a man or men to get my website up and running. Thank you, angels.



  147.  #147Daria on July 14, 2009 at 9:52 pm

    Erika… I was thinking since both of us are trying to do webstuff … maybe we could get together and “work” on it!

    It might feel fun … it would to me… and maybe that way we can lean back on the issue and actually attract some manly help…



  148.  #148Erika on July 14, 2009 at 10:07 pm

    Let’s do that, Daria. I’m around this weekend and would love to see you. The weekend after I’ll be immersed in men at the 21 convention. And soon my “tech expert” returns from London, so perhaps he can help us both …

    Tonight felt amazing. Very sensual, like the big party in the Matrix movies.

    And I was given a message for Alias Girl: “Are you listening? Remember in Matrix I when they tell Neo to follow the white rabbit, and then he sees the girl with the white rabbit tattoo …”

    Follow the white rabbit.



  149.  #149alias girl on July 14, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    i feel like a life for myself is possible. i feel plugged in. I ask for answers and guidance when I am confused and i feel cared for and guided. i feel grateful.

    tonight i spent a very lovely evening with a woman acquaintance and we went into the gucci and the louis vitton (sp?). and i saw a very nice $2,500 purse. 🙂 I feel tickled.

    then we had dinner.

    and i got a text in the morning from a man i really like so that felt very good.

    and i am taking my work situation moment by moment and i feel very empowered (i did Not do what my boss asked. and for Now i still have my job. and i feel ok no matter what happens i will be ok.)

    i feel possibility. i feel energy. i feel so very different than the person who first started blogging here.

    i feel willing to be of service. thank you.



  150.  #150alias girl on July 15, 2009 at 12:04 am

    so for a long time i was scared to have my picture rated on my dating website and then once i did put it in to be rated i was like humph. i got some twos from some women (and some tens) so i guess people either love me or hate me.

    but now i’m kind of a little less than six.

    humph. i guess that’s not bad. but anyway, i rate guy’s pictures and i’m always Shocked when i rate a certain guy a ten and then find out he’s like a 4.5 on average. I’m like whaaaaaa? no way. that guy is a TEN.

    so i guess if a guy looks at my score he won’t say oh, hmmm, maybe the others are right— he’ll probably think whhhhaaaa no way. that woman is a ten in my book.

    it’s all perspective i guess.

    and my other thing is i am taking things at a slow pace but still remaining “In” with men. Meaning before i would just blow men off because i was scared to go too quick, or i wasn’t sure i was even interested. i am just feeling it out moment by moment and letting him know i am interested in pursuing it further but it may be at a very slow and unsteady pace but i am interested.

    before i’d write men off too quickly. or i’d jump in too quickly and then jump out too quickly and then i’d create this sort of hot and cold vibe that actually feels very unsafe for me. so i am trying to be more safe for myself and the other person and just going by how i feel and staying “in” until i would know i am definitely “out.”

    baby step by baby step i am learning how to circular date like rori laid out in the program. slow babysteps but still progress more towards higher goddessness for myself.



  151.  #151Simply Shannon on July 15, 2009 at 6:02 am

    Alias girl: I am right there with you about being hot and cold about men and really working on that about myself. When I feel scared or uncertain, my natural instinct is to push away. And 9 times out of 10, it’s not something the man is doing, it’s me feeling insecure and thinking about what HE is doing (or not doing) rather than just going with the flow (with no expectations). I’ve been reading Pat Allen’s Getting To I Do (highly recommend and it’s not just about getting married). She says if you have a man you like 51% then you should keep him. No one is perfect (except for us sirens of course – lol!). And expecting someone to be your “100%” man is not even realistic. Interesting concept.



  152.  #152Tracy on July 15, 2009 at 7:19 am

    Linda,
    I feel so inspired by your story and it feels great to have read and noticed so much progress within ur speech….sending you the warmest hug.
    I am really working with my boundaries and learning to focus on my stuff.
    I have realized that this is a process and i have to work on feeling good with myself and focusing on what makes me happy…
    I am feeling much better and i am learning to feel good about the little things around me and it feels so liberating……I feel that my thoughts are clearing out and i can really make good and better choices without so much pressure…..
    I feel lighter when i leave tomorrow to worry about itself and just focus on the moment and stay on my course which i am starting to build up….
    Circular dating feels more fun now and i am meeting such interesting guyz……and i feel my vibe has really changed and so has the kind of men i am attracting…
    For now its just regular dating but it feels so much better and my fears are fading away…thanks everyone!Hugs…



  153.  #153Simply Shannon on July 15, 2009 at 9:57 am

    I’ve got a situation that I need help figuring out. My boyfriend is an amazing man. Truly the only man I’ve been in a relationship with that I respect and actually admire. He is a hard worker, loyal, trustworthy, great with his kids, loves to do stuff with me and my kids, LOVES me and all my quirks and cherishes my feelings.

    So you ask – what’s my problem? Well, I like feeling desired by my man. I want to feel like he wants me, and I want him to initiate. I have this insane sex drive (mid-30’s really is the time that women hit their peak). 🙂 Thing is, I know he does too. He’s just more low key about the whole thing. And I end up feeling like I’m always initiating. I know his ex used to reject him a lot, but I don’t know how to be even more laid back than he is. We end up staying up all hours of the night because I’m trying to lean back and not initiate but he’s leaning back too (I guess). As soon as I make a move to indicate I want him, then it’s game on. Like that’s all I had to do all along. So what do I do? Do I say something like “I feel tired and want to go to bed”? But that’s not really being authentic or truthful either because no matter how tired I am, I’m always up for making love with him! LOL! We both complain about not getting enough sleep on the weekends. We stay up having fun with each (wherever we are) until well after midnight and then once we get to bed, we’re having sex for at least an hour or two.

    He’s also big about not wanting to tell me what to do. Even yesterday, I took his daughter with me to get a mani/pedi. When I brought her back, we hung out for a little bit and then I said “okay, I’ll see you guys later”. It wasn’t like he was inviting me to stay so to make me happy, I went shopping! 🙂 Then later he texted me and said “I wish you could have stayed longer”…which made me mad because all he had to do was ask! So I’m frustrated by the whole initiation thing. He’d give me the moon if I asked for it…I just don’t want to have to ask all the time! Got any advice? Feeling messages? How to’s on leaning back? How to end an evening but leave it open ended so he can initiate? I’m at a loss here.



  154.  #154tinque on July 15, 2009 at 11:01 am

    Shannon – It sounds like you’re doing just fine. Consider this maybe. In my experience, my man doesn’t respond so well in the leaning back department when it comes to sex. Or even if things become heated between us which has been rare, and I don’t mean sexually. He has the patience of I don’t know what, and it’s not stubbornness, just this part of him that wants to leave me be to sort things out for myself. The two or three times that we have had tension between us and I’ve gone off to sulk or pout or just be hurt, he has come around eventually, but it has never been on my time table. I would want him to come to me within a half hour or sooner. He holds out for hours. Sometimes I can’t stand it anymore, so I’ve gone to him and asked if we can’t start over. This always breaks the ice and he will reach for me, and the prickliness dissolves. I can still retain some residue, for that is what most of us women do.l For him it’s over and forgotten, that quick.
    As for sex, my drive is also higher a little maybe than his, but my heightened interest keeps his up there. I realize I’m not really answering your question. I don’t lean back much in the sexual department. I don’t attack him either aside from playfully. In some cases this can be okay.I don’t know how new your relationship is, for in the early stages I would recommend resisting the urge to initiate, but if you’ve been together for awhile, go for it. It sounds as though your man is a little gun shy having been rejected so much before. It sounds like he needs reassurance in this regard. In time he will heal from this if he wants to.
    What I do is tilt my head towards the bedroom like saying, “let’s go play”. I often am waiting for him in bed when he comes home from work, and sometimes I am rejected. It used to hurt, but now I know he needs time sometimes to unwind. Usually we have sex later. Sometimes not, but I know now that it’s never a lack of desire for me. Sometimes things just get to him too much.
    As for him wanting you to stay longer and not saying so…Hmmmm. Yes I can feel your frustration and hurt. I would be devastated, but I’m way sensitive. If YOU YOURSELF wanted to stay longer, you could try saying, “It would feel so good hanging out for awhile. What do you think?” But only if that is what YOU REALLY want.
    I understand how frustrating it can be to be with a more reticent man. I have one too. I have had to learn to hear what’s being said without words. This may be your situation too. Next time you are with him, pay really close attention to him, his nuances, subtle cues, the little things, what he may be screaming but has difficulty expressing it any other way. I have found that the more my reticent man has felt safe with me, the more open he has become with more overt verbal cues. I suppose I too have become more attuned to his language.
    I hope this helps.
    Hugs, tinque



  155.  #155Dan_Brodribb on July 15, 2009 at 11:25 am

    Hi Simply Shannon,

    I can relate to your boyfriend’s predicament. I’ve found myself in many of the situations you describe. I’ve always liked to do things my own way in my own time, and I always believed in extending the same courtesy to others. Telling others what I want always felt uncomfortable, like I was violating one of my values which is people having the freedom to do what they want. I don’t know if that’s what goes on with your boyfriend, but it’s a possibility.

    I am worlds better at asserting myself than I was, but it was a lot of work, and it still doesn’t always come naturally to me. If you’re boyfriend is anything like me, if he wants to change, he’s going to have to find his own motivation for doing it because it doesn’t happen overnight.

    There have been a few women in my life who have tried to “help” me over the years–sometimes whether I wanted their help or not 🙂 (I’m looking at you, lovely sister-in-law) . What I found most helpful was when a woman would reinforce something I was doing right as opposed to being upset when I didn’t pull through.

    She might say things to me like “I love it when you take charge” when I initiated sex or “I like it when you tell me you want to spend time with me” when I said I didn’t want her to go, etc. When she said those things, it reassured me that it was okay for me to assert myself with her more strongly. Certainly it was more effecitve than to giving me the silent treatment and expecting me to guess what I was supposed to do.

    Good luck. Keep us posted 🙂

    db



  156.  #156Simply Shannon on July 15, 2009 at 11:31 am

    Tinque: THANK YOU! We are fairly new at our relationship (2 months) so I’m trying not to initiate, but my gosh – I could eat him up some times! 🙂 Yes, he has very subtle ways about him. I think maybe if I just “play seductive” with him throughout the night that maybe he will press harder for more action (aka initiate taking it further). I definitely do NOT want to be the boy in our relationship. I’ve BTDT and don’t want that again. And I know myself well enough that when I initiate there is always this thought in the back of my mind saying “maybe he didn’t really want to but he’s doing it because I initiated so why not?” KWIM? It’s like asking “do you think I’m pretty?” Of course that answer is going to be yes (or it better be – lol!). But if I’m asking it means a) I feel pretty and want him to notice and b) why haven’t you said anything already…I guess you don’t think I look pretty. Does that make sense?

    I am really trying to lean back and give him the space to initiate. I only see him about once or twice a week so it’s hard not to jump him immediately when I see him. 🙂 But beyond the initiation of sex thing, I’d like to have him initiate in general and tell me what he wants. We’ll just see how it goes.

    I really appreciate the feedback! Shannon



  157.  #157Simply Shannon on July 15, 2009 at 11:57 am

    Dan: Thank you! Yes, I’m definitely going to do more of the positive reinforcement thing. I don’t do the silent treatment thing anymore but it’s hard for me to describe to him what I need. And to tell him in feeling messages just seems impossible or like I’m blaming him for not initiating. I know it’s just not his way. I just prefer not to initiate.

    At least at a surface level, I want to feel wanted and desirable. I walk around most of the time with confidence and feeling hot as hell. We joke a lot because I always wear a dress/skirt and heels. (He is definitely t-shirt and shorts boy.) I don’t do it for him. I do it because I feel sexy dressed that way. And I notice people noticing me. I feel very empowered when that happens and confident and…it’s such an amazing feeling. So to not have that one thing with him is kind of hard. Or maybe I just haven’t picked up on all of his subtle ways of showing me that he wants me up until the point that we are already in bed…where I have no question. And really even out of bed he’s always saying to me he loves me and that he’s “mine until you let me go”. I feel tears just thinking about him saying that too me because I know he’s sincere.

    Can anyone help me figure out what I’m feeling when I say I don’t want to be initiating? I feel baffled about this really. What is it I’m feeling? Rejected? Undesirable? Uncertain? Do I need to keep peeling the onion? Am I missing some big Ah-ha moment? Is this something inside of me that I need to address? Maybe I’ve always thought my desirablity and sexiness is what kept a man but now I know different. I think the lightbulb is coming on…



  158.  #158alias girl on July 15, 2009 at 11:59 am

    simply shannone i read somewhere about this couple that had these subtle signs, like if the wife was in the mood she would hang the lingerie on the door or something like that. that way the man knows he will get a positive response if he initiates and yet you don’t have to be the one initiating you’re just saying-“greenlight if you’re uo for it” hehe accidental pun.

    in the article the man had a code too so the woman would feel bad initiating if she wanted to.

    it’s a sensitive are for probably a lot of people until they kind of figure out something that works for them.

    as far as you other issue maybe when he send a text give him he feel messages like _Oh i feel so surprised to hear that. i would have felt so good to spend more time with you. i feel unsure sometimes etcetc

    that way he gets feedbak and information and can maybe adjust. (or not) two people contiually adjusting with new information. like you now the have the new information that he actually did want to be with you longer.

    i felt sweetness when i read your words. like two people fumbling towards intimacy as sarah mcglaughlin would say.



  159.  #159alias girl on July 15, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    dan bodribb i feel good to read your honesty. i have been guilty of the silent treatment before finding rori. and i truly thought he Knew what i was angry about since i had said soemthing before and then he did it again. or whatever. i just thought he knew and i was going to Punish. i feel embarrassed about a lot of my old behaviors but i feel forgiving of myself. i was doing the best i could. as he was alos probably.

    i like the 51% idea shannon. i feel like yes that feels doable. plus if i focus on that i don’t have to be worried and stressing about everylittle thing that comes up. i can be more ‘go with the flow’ whcih is by far not one of my strongest character traits i have developed. no not quite.



  160.  #160Simply Shannon on July 15, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    Alias girl: What perfect words:
    “Oh i feel so surprised to hear that. i would have felt so good to spend more time with you. i feel unsure sometimes.”

    That is EXACTLY how I was feeling at the time. Thank you for expressing that for me!! And it would have been geniune and true! Huge Sarah fan here too! I won’t fear love! 🙂

    I wish I had this blog on speed dial sometimes!! Examples really help me so ya’ll can expect to see many more questions from me in the future.



  161.  #161alias girl on July 15, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    ok hopefully that first comment to simplay shannon still has the right meaning i was trying to convey since there always seem to be very key typos that change the entire meaning of what i was writing

    the man had a code too so the woman WOULDN’t Feel bad initiating if she wanted to. because the man’s subtle code was a greenlight for the woman.

    also people can over time learn people preferences about how often someone would ideally want sex. and two people sort of adjusting on that. he wants five time a week she wants. or she wants two times a day. he wants every other day. etc and then they just sort of adjust



  162.  #162alias girl on July 15, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    i feel sad my face looks like someone ran over it with a truck 🙁

    i have been so much time recently in warrior boy thinking mode that all the beauty soft regenerating mother earth energy has been depleted.

    i feel scared to go into girl mode because i feel under attack. there is actually a term to describe what happened in my workplace. it’s called “mobbing in the workplace.” it explains how in group dynamics people can shift or change or do things or act in a way that they never would on their own.

    people wer covertly told to stop interacting with me by an instigating manager who has done this to other people in the past (one of whom got fired). the mobbing happened to a different girl when she first got hired and i actually refused to participate. i actually would talk to the girl and try and help her out. but i had witnessed my fake friend coworkers assassinating and contributing to harrassment of a owman they did not even know. and she was completely alienated by everybody, really partially organized by my boss’s assistant who is not really even a manager.

    i felt weird talking to or helping this woman at times because i was going against the crowd/mob by doing so. funnily enough, years later she is the one know helping me as i find myself in a similar what feels like about to be lynched situation.

    where do i let this go now? how far do i pursue it? a part of my wants people to face the cruel behavior they participated in. but that is part of my family stuff.wanting my family to become healthy and accountable. ok 40 yrs later it never happened. i don’t see it happening here.

    so what do i want now? thank you universe for guiding me to the most blissful actions that will cause me to feel good about myself and also create a wonderful livelihood and life for myself.



  163.  #163Simply Shannon on July 15, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Alias Girl: I feel the sadness in your posts lately. I don’t know the details surrounding your work but for me as long as I’m doing my job, I feel good when I leave the office. No matter what I continue to behave professionally and do what I’m paid to do. No one can argue with that! Sounds to me like the folks in your office are being unprofessional and clearly have too much time on their hands! I feel bad that you are having to deal with it. It’s interesting to me because it took me back to the original post – “It’s only important for me to find and express my stuff. Because [their] stuff is none of my business.” Is there something you can do today to feel goddessy and get your girl power back? Maybe not in the office, but just going home and taking a long luscious bubble bath? I know when I feel depleted that everything else is magnified. (((HUGS)))



  164.  #164Dan_Brodribb on July 15, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    tinque said:

    “it’s not stubbornness, just this part of him that wants to leave me be to sort things out for myself. The two or three times that we have had tension between us and I’ve gone off to sulk or pout or just be hurt, he has come around eventually, but it has never been on my time table. I would want him to come to me within a half hour or sooner. He holds out for hours.”

    These are the sort of situations that confuse me too, tinque. Because I don’t always know what to do–whether I should give someone space or come to them. When I’m supposed to fix problems and when I’m supposed to listen and hold her.

    To me it feels like there are three people’s stuff in the relationship. There’s my stuff. There’s her stuff, and there’s our stuff, which is the way we relate to one another.

    I try and deal with my stuff. I try and provide support for her to deal with hers. But then there’s the stuff I’m not sure whose it is or that almost feels like ‘shared stuff’–the way our personalities mix creates this cocktail that’s belongs to both and neither of us at the same time.

    That’s where I find myself uncertain, at that boundary where things become “our stuff.” Because at that point it feels to me like it doesn’t matter whose it originally belonged to–if it has an impact on our relationship it belongs to both of us. But that doesn’t mean I always know how to deal with it.

    I’d love to hear others takes on this.

    db



  165.  #165alias girl on July 15, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    thank you simply shannon. it has felt unbearable. i feel sobbing to be shown compassion. so thanky ou for bringing me back into girl! i took the day off today. i told corp HR i feel better now to go back in til they sort it out.

    what i might want. to be let go. a very nice severance. as well as the ability to collect unemployment if i need to.the whole issue has just become so clear to me and i have most certainly outgrown that place. i do not really want to be back there. it FEELS HORRIBLE. it FEELS draining. toxic.

    i was a toxic person. i am no longer. i do not need to b there anymore trying to pretzel myself to fit into toxicity.

    i do NOt want to shame people. when they are ready to see their part they will or not.

    thank you shannon. sometimes a few words can mean a lot to someone. i feel healing. i feel hopeful and optimistic.

    thank you universe.



  166.  #166Daria on July 15, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    Simply Shannon

    I wanted to write before but I was at my man’s house and felt uncomfortable with him seeing what I was writing.

    I had the same thing come up with my man.

    I said at one point… sometimes I feel like having sex, VERY MUCH and I will start it, but otherwise if you want sex It would feel better if you were more agressive, because I do not want to initiate…

    he said oh… thats not my way… he doesnt want me to do something i don’t wnat to do

    i said… i don’t mean my doing something i don’t want to do, it would feel good to know you want me

    then we let the conversation just hang in the air and he has been much more likely to initiate…

    =)



  167.  #167Ann on July 15, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    I didn’t expect to be on the computer today but it’s been a hot day here and seems like everyone is moody. And tempers are flairing. I hate that because it just feels like noone is considering anyone else, just in that mode to see who can be the biggest smartass. And I just want to get away from it all. I’m working so hard to be more positive and have more positive energy that I HATE being around all the negativity here today so far.

    I applied for a job that I feel I’d like. A night(graveyard shift)desk clerk at a small hotel. We stopped by today to see if the manager was in. But the snotty girl at the front desk wouldn’t let me talk to her. So I don’t know if I’ll get it or not but I did my part.

    Alias Girl I feel you’ve come so far and been such a inspiration to me. I’d like to tell your co-workers off for being PITA’S to you. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.

    Shannon thank you so much for asking your question about your boyfriend. Which brings me to THJANK YOU Dan I love to hear a man tell us how men think. I know you don’t speak for all men but I feel men think alike in alot of ways.



  168.  #168Ann on July 15, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    I forget I came on here to zshare this. I get a weekly email called “A messages from your heart. Here’s the one for this week:

    Rejection…ugh! Let down…yuck. Just the words alone create awful feelings. How would it be, if you were to look at these words and what comes with them from a different perspective? How about giving this a whirl…

    What may seem like a let down or rejection is really just the Universe’s way of preventing you from being in a situation or with a person that really doesn’t fit you…a means to create the space for situations and people that do fit you.

    Whatcha think?

    I thought that was something to ponder.



  169.  #169tinque on July 15, 2009 at 7:28 pm

    Dan – I have found that most women if they are feminine energy women prefer even crave to have you come to her right away or shortly thereafter for comfort, soothing when things go awry whether just with her or between you. Some will even create a little “drama”, tears whatever so you will come to her, yet most men in my experience will if not run from the “drama” at least be intimidated by it.
    You can only try going to her and see what happens. Sometimes words are not even necessary, just holding her is enough.
    “Because I don’t always know what to do–whether I should give someone space or come to them. When I’m supposed to fix problems and when I’m supposed to listen and hold her.

    “To me it feels like there are three people’s stuff in the relationship. There’s my stuff. There’s her stuff, and there’s our stuff, which is the way we relate to one another.”

    I haven’t thought about this in this way before. I don’ t know. It seems to me though you are blended especially the more intimate you are with each other and I don’t mean sexually necessarily, the more attuned to each other you will become and the more you will know what to do or say in any given situation, in some ways the more as one you will become, but really you are two separate identities with your own unique way of being.



  170.  #170Simply Shannon on July 15, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    AG: You’re welcome. I really hope you got some goddess time tonight!

    Daria: I love your example too! Everyone is really helping me to figure out the best way to express what I’m feeling. Thank you!

    Dan: When I’m mad or upset, I generally need a minute to get myself together before I want to talk again. I’m like Tinque though – I don’t need HOURS to do that. Just enough to get me in the right headspace to have a useful discussion. Sometimes I just need a minute to breath, ya know? Rori talks about “the relationship” as its own “entity”, similar to “the family” (you have to say that like The Godfather – LOL! 🙂 ). I feel confused by that as well. I like the idea of sticking to what is mine but maybe also looking at the relationship itself as something to protect even if I’m feeling ticked off at “him”. Maybe thinking big picture like “our stuff” instead of just what HE did right that minute. Does that make sense?

    Ann: I completely agree with that message you shared. I felt exactly like this once I got over the hurt/anger of my divorce. I’m so much happier now. I never imagined my life would be this way but I wouldn’t trade my “HERE” for that past life just to save myself from the pain of rejection.

    Night all! I feel truly blessed to have found all of you. I believe I’m on the right path. And not just with my love life. I’m learning to be ME for the first time in my life. Not just the sweet, everything-is-fine Shannon but the one that is real and messy and silly and emotional and sassy and sexy all at the same time.



  171.  #171Daria on July 15, 2009 at 8:04 pm

    I’ve been making major progress with allowing myself to imagine what i want… before I would shut down because i would think oh no that cant happen.. and then id shut down instantly and automatically…

    now i tell myself even if it cant happen lets just think of the most fun right now… that includes magic carpet rides, etc… its been making my life feel much more flowy and magical…
    i also seem to have manifested more money… wow i mut be getting better!



  172.  #172alias girl on July 15, 2009 at 8:19 pm

    congratulations ann on applying for that job. i feel very proud of you and your baby steps towards your new employment/livelihood adventure and quest.

    thank you for your support and encouragement as well. and simply shannon also.

    this has to be the hardest thing i have gone through …ever? except for maybe some trauma i have blocked out of my mind from childhood.

    i do not know what to do. i was told today that my boss’s assistant has told people to “stay away from alias girl because she’s crazy. she’s been institutionalized.”

    I have been institutionalized.

    and so now i have a situation in which when i spoke out against being mistreated, that I am being made into a CRAZY person. And of course for me to claim people are “aligned against me” sounds CRAZY. it is a very fascinating yet real situation and i feel unsure how to heal this.

    Being the person with no allies as well as the person who as been institutionalized makes me a Seemingly very easy target. Especially if I can be irreverent, truth seeking, have now begun to start speaking up, can be abrasive etc etc. Now every character flaw I have can be seens as a sign of CRAZY. Maybe the character flaws are a symptom of insanity. Maybe I am crazy.

    on some level i already knew my being institutionalized was a stigma in our society and that was part of the reason i wrote my book as it goes into my breakdown i had fifteen years ago.

    None of this began to shift or escalate until I started getting healthier, more accountable, less passive aggressive, less co dependent and stating boundaries in an adult manner.

    my question is. i have called my boss CRAZY many times. he feels crazy and sick to me. I have told other people he is crazy and sick (and they would agree) and so basically, i was doing what is now being done to me.

    Is this why this is happening now? Am I to blame for this? Maybe everything starts with me?

    If so, how do i repair it? How do I heal it?

    Do I just say I’m sorry for my part and let the chips fall where they may? Do I detail a list of my offenses I have made against other people and share them with each person and say I am sorry? And then whatever happens, happens?

    The cycle has to end.

    I honestly feel it had to get this bad for me to have the awareness i have now. I was unwilling to see my own part in things. I was far too busy playing victim.

    What do I do?

    Thank you Universe for your continued and loving support which i feel very strongly. I feel grateful.

    I want the best possible outcome. I wanted to be healed. I want to be loving. I want to be able to give and receive the boundless love that exists.

    I also want my fun colorful dreamy safe prosperous life I imagine for myself. And a nice home, a loving boyfriend, wonderful companions and all the things on my wish list.

    Thank you for your help. I feel appreciative to be guided moment by moment.

    Every single step I take recently feels like I am jumping into the unknown. I feel like I should NOT be taking any of the steps I have been taking. I feel I will be PUNISHED FURTHER for continuing to take the steps I have taken. yet with each step i have been shown new faith, greater freedom, greater self love, empowerment, compassion, strength.

    But every little step feels like jumping off the cliff. I feel scared. I feel very very scared.



  173.  #173alias girl on July 15, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    i feel interested in what simply shannon wrote about the relationship being something to protect even if I am angry at someone.

    I have never done this in my life.

    I feel very happy to imagine this is the new path I am on. That this is resonating with me.

    Instead of just focussing on something HE did (or WHOEVER did) in the moment, but instead reminding myself that energies are coming together and creating this new Thing (called relationship) made up my stuff and the other person’s stuff. and all i can do is focus on my stuff.

    i forgive myself.

    hah hah i wonder if i will be able to shape shift soon!! WHO WILL RECOGNIZE ME AS MY NEW SELF after all this fabulous (painful) growing?????



  174.  #174Erika on July 15, 2009 at 11:00 pm

    I wonder if Alias Girl realizes how it feels to have any and all comments I make about her posts ignored.

    Sometimes I feel angry, sometimes indifferent, sometimes curious, sometimes delighted by something she says. Right now I feel annoyed.

    I definitely feel singled out because of my observation that she addresses everyone else by name.

    And I imagine what I’d feel like if I were one of her co-workers. I certainly wouldn’t feel valued or appreciated. I wouldn’t feel as connected as I would like. On an angry day, I imagine I might engage in behaviors that she didn’t like just to get under her skin in order to get from the situation the empathy that I wasn’t receiving from her.

    I refuse to be silent about this because it feels important. I want her to know how this feels being the other person in the situation.



  175.  #175Erika on July 15, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    It feels crappy. It feels like being shut out. It feels like being excluded. It feels like being silently judged.

    I feel angry. And under that I feel hurt and sad and loss.



  176.  #176Erika on July 15, 2009 at 11:26 pm

    I feel burning hot coals in my gut. I feel like doing and saying very angry things. I feel invisible. I feel frustrated. I feel self-righteous.

    I feel like I am not being seen, like evil ghosts are being projected onto me.

    And that hurts. Because what I see, and what I want you to see, is my innocence, my vulnerability, my humanity.

    And I feel confident that I am not alone in feeling this way. Perhaps not here on this blog, but I’m imagining myself right now as a co-worker. I sure would not feel inspired to help. I would feel like, wow, I have done nothing but try to be helpful and respectful, and this person hates me. Why should I even bother to be helpful and respectful?

    I’m struggling to put this in feeling messages because I feel so angry.



  177.  #177gina on July 15, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    Erika,
    I feel compassion for your position. I also feel compelled to say that the whole point of the post is to take responsibility for “my stuff” – I definitely don’t mean that in a judgmental way, but I know that when i focus on trying to control other people’s behavior, I get myself wound up all tight and it feels very frustrating.



  178.  #178Erika on July 15, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    Lol, now I feel angry and amused at the same time.

    It’s like I come on the blog each day with some hope for healing. I think, huh, maybe today is the day she realizes I’m not some horrific alien demon and she actually acknowledges my existence here.

    Oh, I guess not today. Wow, how does that feel? Crappy. Frustrated. Angry. Invisible. Misunderstood.

    Sometimes I read your beautiful words and want so much to connect with something you said. So I make an effort, and … no response. Wow … OUCH.

    Then later, compassion comes, and I start to feel empathy for your sadness, a feeling of connection to some of the things you say, and then indifferent again.

    And the wondering, wow, does that person really think that silence and ignoring someone solves anything? A feeling of curiosity. And wondering, wow, does that person really not see the connection between how she’s interacting with me and the work situation? More feelings of curiosity.

    I’m struggling, struggling to put this in feeling messages. I feel so judged that it’s a challenge not to judge you right back. I feel angry.



  179.  #179Erika on July 15, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    Gina,

    Thank you for that. Yeah, I get that this is “my stuff.” But it’s being triggered in this situation. I really am struggling to put it into feeling messages without judging, and I apologize for where I fall short in that. I feel like unwinding this energy for me at least involves talking about it directly instead of pretending it’s not there.

    Yeah, it’s my stuff. It gets very triggered here in this situation.



  180.  #180gina on July 15, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    I am moving into a new apartment this weekend, and I am SO GLAD! I feel enthusiastic! I have been working like crazy to make unique flea market finds into beautiful furniture for the new place. I’ve been painting and stenciling and building. i have a blister on my finger from all the spraypainting I’ve done. Lots of things I had to do several times before I got it right. Sometimes I thought i was being ‘crazy’ and that i shouldn’t redo the color a 3rd or fourth time – but I’m so glad that i did, because i did finally find a perfect solution.
    For instance, I had an idea of what I wanted for curtains, and I spent 8+ hours painting a single panel (still imagining what to do with the other one) and it turned out BEAUTIFULLY. Doing all this work has been an opportunity to experience how creative I am, and it’s AWESOME!! I realized that if I can imagine what i want to fill my home with, and then i go out and search for it, and get my hands dirty to make it happen, then lo and behold, I end up with what I imagined. If this works with my home, it works in life – I feel so faithful and fearless right now. I know what I want, and I will not settle for less. I will keep going until I co create my desire.



  181.  #181heartbeat on July 16, 2009 at 12:30 am

    Thank you Shannon, Tinque and those who responded on the topic of men who lean back a little – I have one of those too (!) and weirdly enough I was going to ask a question about this. He’s not demonstrative in romantic ways (reaching for my hand in public, saying ‘I’ve missed you’ etc) but on the other hand he is passionate, he will kiss me for hours (!), go to the doctor with me, put my bins out, leave chocolate in the fridge, whisper ‘I love you’ when he thinks I’m asleep…

    And sometimes i still feel anxious, a permeating anxiety all through me, insecure thoughts, like I want that reassurance etc especially if I’m tired/stressed. But he’ll look after me if I’m tired, he’ll make me food and make sure I’m comfortable. I’m used to men who are very vocal with their feelings, who can’t keep their hands off me.

    My question was going to be about healing those scared, doubting thoughts and feelings of anxiety. I feel reassured now. I feel relieved others have a similar situation and feel loved. I feel very damaged at a deep level regarding trust, I’m almost ashamed of it.

    Ah there it is – OK – I love my humanness, I love that I am able to feel frightened and wary. I love that my frightened and wary is trying to protect me, I feel protective of my frightened and wary little girl inside. I feel tears, I cherish my tears.



  182.  #182Daria on July 16, 2009 at 12:31 am

    I feel interested in Erika’s feeling messages. I feel interested in her progress in the challenge of expressing herself in this triggering situation in a soft feeling message way.

    I remember one tool to do this is to write everything about the situation and then turn it all into feeling messages and don’t wants. That has been big for me in changing not only how I communicate but how I frame triggers.

    I feel glad for AG triggering Erika. I feel guilty . I do not want Erika to hurt, I feel worried and I feel confident in her growing from this situation. This is not necessarily about who is triggering but is ALL about EMBRACING the icky feelings that come up from being triggered this way.

    I feel intrigued and attracted by AG’s following her boundaries of not answering anyone when she doesn’t want to or doesn’t feel good.

    I feel interested in reading AG’s response and feelings about this if she were to start feeling curious about answering.

    I feel comfortable for not feeling Directly involved and I feel major peacemaker tendencies, which feel safe and good.

    I feel good about the focus on my business and myself I have been doing. I feel good about my communication. I feel great about making myself feel good by doing mental eft…especially using it for asking for AMAZING outcomes that I now feel more and more safe imagining, or… imagining my heart energy getting really big and TOUCHING the feel hard spot or person or situation, or allowing myself to sink into my body and feelings and sensations. i feel like im living pretty magically.



  183.  #183Daria on July 16, 2009 at 12:39 am

    I feel concerned and interested. I think men express their love in different ways, and different modes of expression are important to each of us. I think Rori mentions this. For example some will do stuff like take the garbage out while some will take you out for a romantic date, or some will kiss you passionately etc…

    Since each one of us sirens has different ways that we Want love to be expressed to us to fulfill us, then to me it seems very important to ASK for what we want, so taht we don’t feel deprived. I think it may be easier than we THINK for a man to change his way of expressing so that we get the love in the way that makes us feel fulfilled…. but we won’t know if he’s able unless we express our desire ….

    just like he can learn that i prefer he call in order for me to feel wanted and secure, he can also learn that i prefer to be grabbed agressively rather than lightly touched… etc… the responsibility is to me to express… and the joy is that it is OK to express even if he hasnt been doing it… i think a lot of our ‘I don’t want to always tell him” is just a trigger of fear on our part that we will ruin it, or he cant do it, etc… that we can embrace and express ourselves anyway

    sometimes it helps to take a big breath and think of… if he wasnt right here and i was writing in this blog how would i say i feel right now… then take that feeling… state it… and say a truth in the moment about it… no matter how awkward… it feels good and soft



  184.  #184alias girl on July 16, 2009 at 12:39 am

    gina. that’s awesome. some woman made a whole career off shabby chic. just saying.

    i spoke with my trauma therapist. I am moving forward moment by moment. i feel supported. i feel hopeful.

    i am still going at a turtle pace with men online. Now that i am actually present I realize how slow I need to go. AND HOW INTERESTED THEY SEEM by that. which actually triggers me a little. but i am staying with them and not just writing them off and assuring them i am interested. i feel very challenged by this.

    human dynamics are tricky as in many ways we are still animals with our fight, flight, freeze responses. plus being triggered by our unresolved past issues, etc. i really feel the best i can do is look at my own stuff and leave my accountability there. focus on my own stuff. this has been a great eye opener for me. i feel spooked sometimes how rori’s posts correlate so on the dime with what i am going through.



  185.  #185heartbeat on July 16, 2009 at 12:41 am

    Erika I admire and respect you being open about your feelings. I feel disappointed Alias Girl has not responded so far. I feel all sorts of stories coming up for me as to why, I want to stay out of my own stories that I attach to other people.

    Alias Girl you express yourself so vividly, I’ve said before how I love reading your posts, so honest and transparent. Who pulled the pin on the EFT grenade?

    Ok none of my business.

    On the other hand, I feel connected to others on this blog. So there are relationship dynamics here as well as in ‘real’ life.

    There is my stuff, and your stuff, and there is the relationship stuff of us all here. (I agree with Dan on that)



  186.  #186heartbeat on July 16, 2009 at 12:44 am

    Daria you said it all so beautifully, I love the way you expressed all that, I have something to learn. Thank you!



  187.  #187heartbeat on July 16, 2009 at 12:50 am

    Gina I feel utterly captivated by your description of getting things beautiful for your home!! Hell, I want to bring my things over and spray-paint together lol!

    I love fixing up my flat (that’s UK for apartment) with thrift-shop finds, I love antique fabrics and rescued chairs & tables etc. It’s what I do to feel good – make something creatively.



  188.  #188Karen on July 16, 2009 at 1:43 am

    erika, daria, gina, heartbeat, alias girl, simply Shannon, tinque, ann, tracy, dorothea, bethany, tina, linda, aggy, robin, cookie, wink, searchingwithin, maria, aldonza, you are the reasons for this whole website. When I read about the progress you all are making and the problems you are overcoming, I feel inspired to actually start loving myself for possibly the first time in my life. I feel like a huge weight lifts off my shoulders when I remind myself that I don’t need to worry about “his” stuff- that I only have to stick to my boundaries, follow my feelings, etc., and let him work out his own solutions. We Sirens rule!



  189.  #189alias girl on July 16, 2009 at 1:44 am

    I do not feel good to feel pressured to do something I do not wish to do. I do not feel good, after just coming off this work situation where people ganged up on me for no humane reason and could NOT TAKE THEIR FOCUS OFF ME. I feel angry and threatened.

    The posts regarding my Decision is in previous pages on this blog delineating my decisions and responses. If people are curious they can go back and read them.

    i feel very very very angry and like people are INSTIGATING me to respond.

    I feel better for people to stay out of my decision about my comfort level with interacting with any particular person. IT IS MY RIGHT THAT I MADE IN THE MOST RESPECTFUL MANNER I COULD. I MADE A DECISION BECAUSE I FELT UNSAFE. I AM CONTINUING TO FEEL UNSAFE AND THE SITUATION FEELS EXACERBATED BY OTHER PEOPLE. Would people be willing to stop getting into that decision I made in regards to my own emotional safety?

    Are people willing to respect my boundaries? I feel needled. I do not feel good. I do not feel good. I feel unsafe.



  190.  #190Karen on July 16, 2009 at 1:51 am

    aggy, I noticed no one else answered your question, so I’ll try to give you my feelings on this. If a man asks me to help him with something physical, like repairing a car or something, I will help, but I let him know how I feel. IE- “I feel happy that you want me to help you, but I feel unsure of what we have to do to this car, what do you think?” and that seems to lower his expectations at the same time it raises his appreciation of me for attempting something that “difficult”. If he tries to drag me into some emotional problem that he is going through, I bite my tongue (to keep from giving advice) and tilt my head to the left, then tell him something like “Wow! I feel like you must be going through hell right now. I feel confident that you will come up with a solution because I feel like you are extremely competent. What do you think?” It seems to work to turn whatever he is trying to push onto me back on him and he usually solves it himself. This is a huge difference from the old controlling bitchy me of about 3 months ago- before Rori. Back then, I would have pushed the man to one side and fixed the car myself or called a shrink and set up an appointment for him- and might have even paid for it LOL! The trick is, stick to your boundaries and don’t let anyone, male or female, push anything on you that you don’t want.



  191.  #191Karen on July 16, 2009 at 1:52 am

    Dan, thank you for giving us the opportunity to view a man’s side of the first move dilemma. My man has some difficulty in that area as well, so I have learned (slowly and painfully) how to get myself into a sexy (approachable) frame of mind, dress for the occasion and simply say something like “I feel so turned on by the way you look. I feel so hot, I’m about to catch fire.” That usually has him tripping over his tongue in his haste to get to the bedroom. And this is after 8 years with the same man and after getting to the point where we almost broke up because of what I took as rejection! What a difference!



  192.  #192Karen on July 16, 2009 at 2:01 am

    alias girl, I feel so much righteous anger for you. Being in this situation a couple of times myself, I can understand your pain and fear. I feel hope that whatever decision you make will create a safe place for you where you can be happy.



  193.  #193alias girl on July 16, 2009 at 3:23 am

    thank you karen. i feel understood and supported.

    heartbeat i feel taunted and subtly blamed (i feel confused exactly for what though) i feel furious. i feel FURIOUS. well not after writing it in all caps liek that. i feel like someone took a pin to my fury balloon. i feel sad that i can not make a decision based on my experience and my well being and my needs and my pereceptions (whether accurate or not) and be provked for my decision . as if my decison is FAULTY somehow. IT IS MY CHOICE THAT I TRIED TO CARRY OUT IN A DELICATE WAY AND HAVE BEEN CONTINUALLY HARANGUED AND TAUNTED. i feel dishonored. i have a right to draw boundaries.

    i feel very curious that my whole surrounding universe is in a tizzy for me DRAWING BOUNDARIES.

    i feel angry at people’s actions. i do not want to condemn people’s character.
    from what i have experienced all the sirens on the island are lovely and unique and wo rthy in their own way.

    i feel triggered. well i did. now i feel unsure if i should post this. i feel good to do so because i do.



  194.  #194Daria on July 16, 2009 at 4:00 am

    I just finished up making my amazing (to me) business cards and just when i thought i was done I whipped up some rack cards too. So I have the materials for right now all designed. I told myself I would have them done by tonite and I did, not because I forced myself but because I just found myself doing them … even though I got home at 1 and just logged on “really quick”…. just the way I foudn myself doing dishes…

    I think EFT is really helping me get some stuff done and I’m doing it in my head… im doing EFT that I will find myself effortlessly doing what I want to do…

    also I notice that I can feel the points now without touching them, and moving from point to point as I speak my concern feels like “flowing” the energy around through the points … kind of like Emotrance… very nice… I feel very in tune with my body and we are happy together…

    I feel sad and kinda angry and judgemental about the Erika and AG thing on both sides… I feel guilty saying that and I’m trying to work on my speaking up…



  195.  #195Daria on July 16, 2009 at 4:03 am

    also EFT has kinda helped me “get into myself” and lean back in the moment as I have to kind of be quiet and focus for about 15 seconds to do a round in my head… my man thinks im sleepy or just spaced out but somehow it feels magical and interesting, that I can move my energy and shift my thoughts and emotions… all connected… of course!



  196.  #196Daria on July 16, 2009 at 4:20 am

    Shush girl! Shut your lips! Do the Helen Keller… and talk with your hips!

    Why do songs that are rude to girls amuse me so? Is it cuz I hate girls, I secretly am hiding that it hurts? Or is it that I realize they are all joking as no man can resist the power of the Goddess?



  197.  #197heartbeat on July 16, 2009 at 5:45 am

    I feel squeezed as if easing out from beneath a large, heavy object. I feel slightly suffocated. I also feel angry and powerful but I do not want to be emphatic.

    I feel fearful and wary when I witness one person choosing not to engage with another in a group. I feel confused. I feel annoyed at my provocative question, but it goes round in my head.



  198.  #198heartbeat on July 16, 2009 at 5:47 am

    Karen – thank you, that feels lovely and warm!



  199.  #199Simply Shannon on July 16, 2009 at 7:05 am

    Erika: I feel your anger like hot water scalding my eyes when I read your posts towards Alias Girl. If those words were directed at me, even in feeling messages, I’d feel blasted (is that a word) and I’d feel a “flight” response and choose to ignore them. I almost chose not to post my comments but that didn’t feel authentic to me either. And like Daria, I’m a peacemaker and have difficulty seeing other people hurting. I’m still overfunctioning I suppose. So I’d like to ask: what outcome do you want? What response would you like to see that would make you feel better? What happens if you are never acknowledged? I feel bad, like I’m stirring the pot. I also “think” I’m playing at being a boy and trying to solve this problem for you.

    I do feel very curious about your posts on a different level because your wording is exactly how I would get myself in trouble when I’m in an argument with my man. So I’d like your help. If I’m pissed off and angry, how do I say the words that I’m feeling without sounding…hmmmm, well…angry? At the bottom of it all, am I just hurt and reaching out to be cherished? How can I take the tone out of my feeling messages that might actually get me what I want rather than sounding accusatory? This is a challenge for me so I’m really interested to know how you might say the messages differently. And I don’t mean the messages to Alias Girl. I’m talking about anger messages in any given situation.

    Heartbeat: “And sometimes i still feel anxious, a permeating anxiety all through me, insecure thoughts, like I want that reassurance etc especially if I’m tired/stressed.” I understand exactly how this feels because I feel this way a lot. And just like you, I’m trying to feel okay with my humanness and my frightened feelings. I do cherish the little girl in me, but I also feel ready and willing to let go of my fear. I know from experience (unfortunately) that I can be hurt by love but I also know that I can move past it. So why am I still so fearful of that hurt? Every man I meet is even more amazing than the one before so why be afraid “this one” is the last man I’ll ever have. I’d like to get to that point where I can just let go and ride the wave without being afraid of the crash.

    Daria: I completely agree with you about expressing our heart’s desire. I have trouble figuring out a) what I REALLY want and b) how to say it without sounding like I’m feeling irritated that he hasn’t figured it out on his own. Maybe “I feel amazing when you touch me like that…like you can’t wait to get me home”? That sounds soft right? I’m surprised by how difficult it feels to express how I feel. My feelings vocabulary seems limited to good, bad, sad, mad, happy. 🙂 And am I laughing outloud at your Helen Keller reference. What a surprise to see that reference here. I love that song! I like it because it reminds me that sometimes I just need to “Shush girl” (either my mouth or my brain) and just feel what I’m feeling and go with it. LOL!

    Gina: I wish you could post pics of your curtains! They sound amazing! I’m a shabby chic girl at heart as well. Yard sales, consignment shops, flea markets – I love them all. You never know what you’ll find. And I feel so proud of myself when I’ve taken someone else’s stuff and made it into something even more beautiful for me.

    Alias Girl: Totally off topic but do you mind if I type your name as AG? Sounds like a funny thing to ask but I know some folks don’t like nicknames. Your name isn’t incredibly long or anything but I do find myself typing AG and then going back and re-writing. Silly but trying to be respectful. It is your name. And you have every right to your boundaries. I like the image of taking a pin to your fury balloon. I don’t have to “snap” right out of my anger but I can let the pressure off so that I can react in a rational way that feels good to me. I can choose to engage (or not) and I feel proud of myself for my boundaries.

    Karen: I’ll just say ditto to this one: “old controlling bitchy me”. I think I have a t-shirt that says just that. LOL! And thank you for the examples of how to turn something back to the man. Very helpful! I feel grateful when I read them!



  200.  #200Simply Shannon on July 16, 2009 at 7:54 am

    I feel compassion for you Erika. I feel worried that my words sounded too harsh in my post. I understand feeling ignored and alienated and hurt. I know I can’t control anyone else but that does not mean it doesn’t bother me or frustrate the hell out of me. I can choose to step back. I can choose to interact with whomever I want. These are good lessons for me. I’m getting better at saying “ok I’m done with that now” and moving on. Choosing to simply feel what I’m feeling, decide what I want to do (or don’t want to do) and taking action based on how I feel. Your post has triggered me. It’s intrigued me really because I can empathize with your anger and frustration. What might I say now if I was faced with being ignored? “I used to feel so energized when we talked, and I miss it. I want to feel that way again but I don’t know how to get that back. What do you think?”

    All: I feel awkward because part of me is problem solving but part of me is trying to learn how to react differently. I don’t know if there are “rules” on this blog so I’m learning as I go. Is the goal to help one another and offer suggestions, or is that being a boy and problem solving? I feel worried that I’m crossing the line. Am I crossing the line? Please give honest feedback. I know when I’m asking for help, I want advice. I don’t want you to tell me how you feel about what I feel. LOL! I hope that makes sense. 🙂 But maybe that’s my answer right there. If anyone is just stating how they feel, then I should simply let them say it instead of butting in. Hmmm. Interesting.



  201.  #201gina on July 16, 2009 at 8:40 am

    Simply Shannon,
    I’m not sure what the rules are, but I definitely relate to the urge to “fix” the situation – I felt the same urge when i read Erika’s posts.
    In a more personal way, what came up for me as I read Erika’s posts was frustration and resentment towards people who wouldn’t let me be in the past. I don’t like feeling like someone is trying to control me – whether they are doing it with feeling messages or guilt trips etc. I sensed more than feminine expression in Erika’s words – I sensed an attempt to control. I also know that in the past I have chosen to exclude people who I didn’t ‘like’ for whatever reason. I appreciated them for the unique human they are, but I didn’t ‘like’ them, and I wasn’t interested in getting involved with them. some people had a problem with it – called me elitist, and it was frustrating, cause I didn’t get why they couldn’t just say “screw you” to me and stay away from me. I’m noticing that I don’t really have that dynamic in my life right now. I had it at work, and I am dissolving it – cause I realized that it was doing me harm: I need as many friends as i can have (or I’ll lose my job!). That does feel like a better place to be – open and receptive and willing to connect with all kinds of people – willing to have a Good relationship, whether intimate or casual. I’m not as prejudiced against people as I am against particular behavior, and that’s making all the difference. It feels good to notice this – I hadn’t until now. Another thing I notice, is that people who I recently was ‘not liking,’ but couldn’t get away from without doing myself a lot of harm, are transforming before my eyes as I am accepting the person but rejecting behavior that I don’t like – it’s like we’re growing through each other. They would have failed if they tried to force this, but I do see that I am growing with them because i became willing to connect (in my case, the universe left me no other choice – I would have had to lose things I was loving for the sake of my dislike. Now the dislike is dissolving and the love is growing.)



  202.  #202Dorothea on July 16, 2009 at 8:40 am

    Daria,
    the reason you like that song is because it’s by 3 oh 3, a band from COLORADO (best state ever) 😛

    that song doesn’t feel disrespectful to me, just silly. almost like a parody of all the other songs tell women to shake their something something.



  203.  #203Dan_Brodribb on July 16, 2009 at 9:41 am

    Simply Shannon Wrote:

    “All: I feel awkward because part of me is problem solving but part of me is trying to learn how to react differently. I don’t know if there are “rules” on this blog so I’m learning as I go. Is the goal to help one another and offer suggestions, or is that being a boy and problem solving? I feel worried that I’m crossing the line. Am I crossing the line? Please give honest feedback. I know when I’m asking for help, I want advice. I don’t want you to tell me how you feel about what I feel. LOL! I hope that makes sense. But maybe that’s my answer right there. If anyone is just stating how they feel, then I should simply let them say it instead of butting in. Hmmm. Interesting.”

    I’m glad you posted this. I am also often confused about the etiquette here. On one hand, I want to respect the femininity of this space, and on the other….well, I AM a boy, and I’ve found when I try to act like someone I’m not, disaster follows.

    That being said, I’d like to a…app…well, a word that rhymes with shmapologize (Boys don’t do shmapologies very well) if I end up stepping on anyone’s feelings or ignoring people. I don’t always know how to some things (even nice things people say about me). In real life, I can just quietly listen, nod, and make eye contact, but there’s no button for that on the internet.

    Just because I’m not saying anything doesn’t mean I’m not hearing you. Thank you to all of you for your support.

    db



  204.  #204alias girl on July 16, 2009 at 10:01 am

    i feel bad that now a discussion is being created about me.

    it feels not good. if people have previous grievance against me that they never spoke out please i feel not good to have this used as a time to jab me.

    i feel bad that i am being made out as causing someone harm just because i chose not to engage. i spoke a boundary. it was agreed upon and then completely dishonored. some people did not read that when it happened whenver ago. i felt unsafe. i feel more unsafe now. i have a right to not engage with someone.

    if a man asked for time or space or even to breeak up i do not think it would be good to contiunally call and provoke andtry and get him to engage. i don’t mind if people don’t like me don’t want to read me. i don’t mind if people don’t wantt to engage with me and set a boundary. or if they later change their mind and say no i was wrong let’s engage. or not. or i got over my feelings of feeling unsafe. or whatever.

    but i feel the situation is being exacerbated and it feels bad.i don’t want to be forced to engage. i don’t want to. i feel at peace not engaging. so all those who are looking for peace maybe they could just respcet my decision even if they don’t undderstand it. or must it be discussed on this blog? in front of me?

    what is my solution? i made a boundary. it has benn continually dishonroed. i feel even further pushed away by provocation.

    why can’t i just refuse to directly enagage with someone? why can’t that be a quiet respectful decision that is honored by all parties involved. would other people like it if i were trying to get them to be forced to engage with someone they did not feel



  205.  #205alias girl on July 16, 2009 at 10:08 am

    comfortable engaging with. do you think everybody on this blog would be happy to be forced to directly engage back and forth in dialogue with me???

    NO I DON’t think so. not everybody is going to match up with everybody.

    i would like my decision to not engage with someone be respected. that feels peaceful to me. it feels like i am threatened when i feel forced to engage or when people start jabbing me or calling the decisionnames such as unfair or not peaceful. PEACE IS ABOUT RESPECTING OTHER PEOLE’s boundaries. i don’t feel convinced is peace is about everybody being best friend with everybody. maybe in utopia.

    are peole willing to respect my decision to not engage with whomever i chooose?



  206.  #206Jennifer on July 16, 2009 at 10:57 am

    I’m totally confused. I feel stupid. Don’t know what to do. I feel angry, like he dropped the ball. So according to the blog, I’m supposed to figure out my stuff. Ok, I can do that easily. I felt we had discussed his lack of transparency and how it makes me feel distrustful. Then he goes and repeats that behaviour.
    I get that I’m supposed to find out why I’ve been triggered. My mother is very dishonest. Drives me nuts. Ok, So now what do I do?
    I’ve told him this in the past, it seems to make no difference. I haven’t even spoken to him this week because I don’t feel like it. But when I do…what am I supposed to do? Have another discussion? IF not…how does anything get resolved?
    I would appreciate some advice fellow godessess….



  207.  #207gina on July 16, 2009 at 11:08 am

    I feel grateful for what the conflict is revealing to me from my point of view. I feel compassion for both Erika and Alias Girl.



  208.  #208alias girl on July 16, 2009 at 12:24 pm

    heartbeat you say you feel fearful and wary when you witness one person choosing not to engage with another in a group.

    do you feel unsafe with that person you are wary of? do you want to distance yourself from that person? but you are in a group so what do you do? is a person in a group does not feel safe to you, if you feel wary, what do you do?

    really if anyone has any solutions i would LOVE to hear them. I would FEEL SO GOOD to find a good solution to this as it seems to come up for me.



  209.  #209alias girl on July 16, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    simply shannon – ag or alias girl. i feel good with both.

    jennifer for me i try and stay out of results.i had a guy i kept drawing the exact same boundary with Countless times. i finally just stopped seeing him because i didn’t feel good about it. i felt bad.

    i liked him but i felt bad about the energy between us and my not feeing safe by him continually continually not respecting the same boundary. it may not even have really been a boundary. i just wanted him to call if he said he was going to. and he purposefully would annunciate I’LL CALL YOU. I PROMISE. and then not do it. ok. no thanks.

    and then we’d have a discussion, he’d pretend to understand and then do it again.

    finally i just felt Turned Off. Literally. i didn’t want to see him. it was an easy decision to make.

    but it took over a year of the Same thing happening over and over again. i feel happy that it probably would take far less time to be turned off by such a behavior now.

    for me relationship takes two people who both want to be there and both want to contribute to make it work.



  210.  #210Daria on July 16, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    I think someone can set a boundary not to engage with someone,

    but that doesn’t mean the other person can’t/won’t contact them or try to engage. And trying to stop the other person from doing so is trying to control them.

    I’ve heard what felt NOT GOOD judgements from both people in this exchange. I feel sad about that. I feel angry at the judgements.

    Just because a boundary is set doesn’t mean everyone HAS TO RESPECT IT. NO ONE HAS TO RESPECT IT. Sometimes to be authentic to themselves other people have to NOT respect it, maybe boundaries conflict…

    the person who respects the boundary is the person who sets it.

    If other people are triggered and feel bad by this boundary then the person cannot control that.

    I feel ANGRY AT THIS FEEL BAD (STUFF)! My boundary says I get to say I feel angry.

    Simply Shannon – on this blog we are to be in feminine voice. Advice is to be given as in: If i were in this situaton I would feel X and perhaps do y because it feels like Z.

    Dan – you are a man, don’t worry about it, say whatever, do your man thing. So we can practice. I would feel excited to see you dish out some interesting man controversy.



  211.  #211Jennifer on July 16, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    I feel attacked.
    My confusion and hurt comes in because in a previous exchange he and I had discussed how his behaviour triggers my feelings. I felt he had agreed to change that behaviour. To have him do the same things again feels like being lied to.
    My question is…if having the first discussion didn’t get me what I want…why have another? But to not bring it up feels like giving permission to continue that behaviour. So then what to do?



  212.  #212Simply Shannon on July 16, 2009 at 1:21 pm

    Alias Girl: I do understand that frustration when you’re in a group. BTDT. You can’t exactly ignore the other people in the group. When I feel attacked or wary, my natural inclination is to run away from it (ignore) or push back but I’m trying to change that because I feel tired of stuffing down my feelings. Maybe I’d say a simple “I hear what you’re saying and I appreciate you took the time to respond to my post. I feel attacked and misunderstood and I don’t like feeling that way. I don’t want to argue with you so I will agree to disagree with your comments.” Acknowledges the effort that was made, let’s the other person know I heard them and how I feel about it. Does that help?

    Jennifer: I’ve been in that situation myself. I felt horrible having my boundaries walked all over but I never inforced anything until I inforced the ultimate consequence to leave my marriage. From my Codependent No More book, a boundary goes something like “when you do XYZ, I feel ABC. If you continue to do XYZ, I will…”. Maybe you have expressed how you feel and the boundary (being truthful and transparent) but not set the consequence or just not inforced it. ???

    Daria: I must admit when I read your comment to me about the rules, I felt belittled but if I look inside I know it’s because I don’t feel confident using my feminine voice. Obviously I need to work on that. Thank you for honestly answering my question! It gives me a chance to work through what I’m really feeling and to feel confident enough to actually say what I’m feeling. Baby steps.



  213.  #213Simply Shannon on July 16, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    I feel very interested by all that I’m learning here. I also feel drained like my brain just can’t take anymore. The original post is a difficult one for me to grasp. His stuff, my stuff, their stuff, our stuff. I feel spent when I put myself in other people’s soup but I have a hard time not doing it. And I can see myself in so many of the situations expressed here that it’s almost like role-playing which is really helping me to learn different approaches and responses.

    I feel worried that I come across too strong and opinionated when the truth is that I feel ignorant about a lot of things. I feel grateful for the opportunity to discuss these situations with all of you.



  214.  #214Terrance Thames on July 16, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Hey guys. I finally got to get through almost all of the comments

    Dan-I loved your last post man. I felt like when I first started reading and eventually posting on her it was like learning a foreign language. For me I sometimes feel it extremely difficult to post comments trying to help someone or address a question and try to post it in a way that is respectable for everybody to read. Thats kinda why I love posting here. Its great practice for me to learn to be increasingly present to my surrounding environments and feeings. That being said, I second Dan’s motion of “Shmapologizing” if I have in the past, present, or in the future stepping on anyone’s feelings



  215.  #215Terrance Thames on July 16, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Hey Ladies (I meant) 🙂



  216.  #216Dan_Brodribb on July 16, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    I’ll do my best to provide some man-troversy, Daria. How do y’all feel about armpit-fart noises and spitting tobacco indoors? I don’t do either very well, but for you I could practice. 🙂

    alias girl, it sounds like you’re angry because you don’t feel the boundaries you set out are being respected.

    Especially on the internet, I think there’s something to be said for not responding to posts you don’t like. I’ve occasionally allowed myself to be drawn into a giant posting war with someone I don’t even know and I never feel good about myself after. But I’ve found it really depends on how much you care about the relationship. In ongoing relationships, I’ve found keeping silent often lets things fester because you make up things in your mind about the other person that you would find out were untrue if you just talked to them and laid things out.

    The other problem with ignoring people is some people–like me–don’t take to it well. We start poking and prodding and provoking just to draw a reaction out of someone, even if it’s a negative one. When I feel not listened to, it’s a bad habit of mine to start arguing or talking more to make my point.

    Lately, I’ve been noticing that the best thing to do when I feel misheard is to listen.



  217.  #217alias girl on July 16, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    daria. i feel bad to have to have someone continually try to engage me in all sorts of ways, sometimes in ways that do not feel good at all. To do this after I have drawn a boundary feels disrespectful and dishonoring. to then wonder why i would to continue to Not want to engage with a person who i first felt unsafe with and now feel dishonored and disrespected and antagonized by feels baffling to me.

    Everybody has a right to do whatever they want. After I drew my boundary I LEFT IT ALONE and let people do whatever they want. But i feel weird that people are then surprised by the discord in a group after one of them has been continually disrespected in an antagonistic way and then to have people start to “take sides” on an issue feels not good.

    i feel compassion and understanding. Nobody is a bad person. it is not a matter of liking or disliking someone.

    it is a matter of RESPECT and respecting boundaries. If people are disrespectful of other people’s boundaries there is bound to be disharmony. but yes everybody is FREE to do as they choose.

    I do not want to control anyone. I do not feel my requests are trying to control anyone. If someone does not want to engage with someone how is that trying to control that person? I am trying to control MY LEVEL OF SAFETY. I get to choose who i engage with. i feel that is a reasonable choice. a birthright.

    i am not 100% evolved. I can’t handle being triggered by EVERYBODY. I feel good to draw boundaries.

    I feel bad to be blamed and feel shame about my right to draw reasonable and decent boundaries.



  218.  #218alias girl on July 16, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    i did not try and stop anyone from engaging with me. I stated my boundary. i felt immediately dishonored about it. I stated by boundary again and LEFT IT ALONE AND TOOK MY FOCUS AWAY FROM It.

    I do not feel good. rrrrrrrr. i feel angry.

    i do not feel bad towards the person of any goddesses. i feel bad at the misunderstandings and being triggered and sometimes feeling blamed or accused.



  219.  #219alias girl on July 16, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    simply shannon i feel directed when i hear ‘I am not allowed to ignore someone in a group. ‘

    If there was a wedding party and someone came up to you and you felt unsafe and so you excused yourself from that person’s presence but the person kept getting in your face demanding to engage with you. So you drew another boundary and explained the effect it was having on you and that it did not feel good. Yet the person continued to call your name and try and provoke you…

    What would you do?

    What is the solution? I would LOVE to know. It will help me to AVOID THIS in the future because it feels bad and disharmonious.



  220.  #220gina on July 16, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    I am feeling super weird about the married guy who was in town. First I ignored a text, then he showed up at my house to say ‘hi’ and i was all weird and deflected my negative feelings by saying that “I got fat” and other weird things that aren’t really true, but make myself less attractive cause I didn’t want to connect with him even though I really actually did want to connect with him. i felt totally bipolar with him. I saw him out at a salsa bar and was weird some more. I talked about how “I’m waiting to die” (I’ve felt depressed before, but I didn’t feel that way when I said it. I don’t know why I wanted to say dark bad things to him), I don’t think I’m up for love, I don’t know about kids. He said that he hadn’t found love yet (which is weird to say since we have some emotional history) and then he seemed to feel weird when I said that I hadnt either (like he wanted to think that i had loved him). He left without saying bye. A week passed without contact. Saw him again at the salsa bar, and this time I felt the old feelings of attraction, but when he was near, I backed up a little. But then i felt really dissappointed when he left without saying bye and no dance.
    A couple of days later, i tried to initiate a conversation about it via text, but he had a defensive polite shell. I offered to hang out as friends, but he said no cause he has no time, and it would be weird for him not to think about sex. He had promised that he would come see me before he left, and then he said that he couldn’t at the last minute. At first I was like “OK” but then I was like “Grrr.” and he said “??????” and i said “Grrr” and that was it. He left and that was the last thing I wrote him. I don’t like my bipolarness.



  221.  #221heartbeat on July 16, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Alias Girl –

    “heartbeat you say you feel fearful and wary when you witness one person choosing not to engage with another in a group.

    do you feel unsafe with that person you are wary of? do you want to distance yourself from that person? but you are in a group so what do you do? is a person in a group does not feel safe to you, if you feel wary, what do you do?”

    My feelings of fear and wariness are about the situation not the people, so I can’t answer a hypothetical question but I do feel open to engaging with both you and Erika. I don’t want to fix it, it’s not my business.

    When I think of a situation where I feel wary of a particular person I notice my feelings and thoughts, I try and explore what I may be projecting.

    It depends how important the relationship is, and also – I want to grow and not have mean thoughts (this is about ME, I’m not saying you have mean thoughts) that hold me back from feeling happy and connected with people.



  222.  #222Linda on July 16, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    This is hard… Thank you for all your comments and encouragement. I have tried to make progress forward and this blog has helped.

    Often three steps forward and maybe one back happens but I am not standing in the same place.

    I dont feel confident and beautiful at the moment. But I am still the same woman… I just feel sick and nausiated right now. The man whom stepped is now begining to pull back again. I dont get it… I half expected it but hoped that it wouldn’t happen again.

    I told him that was done with the yo-yo thing. He said he knew and he wanted it to be real… thing is, he has a issue and his stuff creates stuff in me. I cant fix him but I can me. He just cant seem to close down his profile on the website we met on. He told me he would but hasnt. I found evidence today on my computer that he got on here at my house. I could find the names of whom he has responded to. I could see their pictures… after all the things he said and did… he even admitted to me that he did it again last week and asked for forgiveness… but Wed morning he has been on here. I feel pity for him. Trust is so vital between two people, I clearly am in a place where I dont trust him and just when I think things are going well and I begin to relax…he does this. He told me Monday that he wanted to have a serious talk about our future… I never bring those things up! He does it. I let him talk…and I respond…I saw him Tuesday… he acted the same… but Wednesday he was different again. I knew he had been online. The man just cant let it go.

    This is not what I want. It does not get me to my destination. I told him weeks ago that if he wanted to talk, see, etc etc others he could… but it would be without me in his life. Not after everything he said to me… promised etc…\

    Boundries are hard to draw and even harder to enforce at times. I am just shaking my head here and have disapointment in my heart.

    Linda



  223.  #223heartbeat on July 16, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    Yesterday I counted 22 mean thoughts in the space of four hours. I felt amused and proud of myself for spotting them. I keep catching myself having them and saying ‘ah there goes another one’ – and that’s in my everyday, social/family life. I feel delighted not to feel the emotions I used to get with these thoughts (unsafe, angry, defensive, excluded) though today I had more of a challenge when a couple of people in my writing group cancelled. That was more of a powerful trigger because they are more established than me and it was my turn to host.



  224.  #224heartbeat on July 16, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    Linda I feel so sad and angry reading your news. I feel like crying, my heart sinks. I want to put my arms around you. I admire your clear speech to him, I feel amazed at your willingness to state your needs unequivocally.



  225.  #225Jennifer on July 16, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    Linda:
    My friend…do I *EVER* hear your vibe! My significant other (SO) cruises the internet as well….at least he used to. Lately he’s been locking his laptop which triggers me to feel distrust.
    I can totally tell when he’s been on there. His demeanor changes. I wonder why men would think we wouldn’t notice this?
    So my issue is trust. I completely recognize that it *is* my issue. However, it just feels bad.
    I have expressed myself over this several times. He also likes to play the “we must have had a misunderstanding” game if he does something not nice. For instance. Promising to take me to a concert then not doing it and blaming a misunderstanding.
    It is sooo hard to draw boundaries and then stick to them. I am working on this both here (online) and in the world through Rori’s work and with a councillor.
    It’s a funny thing…but I never have a hard time drawing lines at work or with my friends or family. It seems to only be in relationships that I cant’ stick to my guns.



  226.  #226heartbeat on July 16, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    Shannon – “I’d like to get to that point where I can just let go and ride the wave without being afraid of the crash.” YES me too! Thank you, I feel so much less alone and less weird.



  227.  #227Ann on July 16, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    I feel pissed off right now. Not at anyone on the blog tho. I wanted to respond to something I read on here from my mobile. But I sincerely hope my PO vibe doesn’t come across like it’s directed at anyone on here because it is NOT.

    Alias Girl you said:
    What is the solution? I would LOVE to know. It will help me to AVOID THIS in the future because it feels bad and disharmonious.

    I hate to say this but I’m beginning to understand we can’t avoid the bad feelings, vibes, energy whatever we call it. We can’t avoid the misunderstandings or even when people are out and out mean to us or even provoke us.

    But I feel I’m to learn from it and then refocus on how to get my energy more positive, more feel good to ME again. We can’t please everyone. Which reminds me of the quote “What someone thinks of me is none of my business.”

    Alias Girl I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again now. You are one of the inspirations on this blog to me. I feel we’re alike in alot of ways. To me it feels like we both are trying to mesh our strong masculine energy with our feminine energy. I feel at times I’m often misunderstood. Around here(my town) I’m the outspoken one and I don’t have to be mad to be honest/outspoken. But sometimes people think I’m being rude, mean, stuck up, whatever. I’m coming to learn I can’t help what other people think and I’ll only try to explain myself for so long then they can deal with whatever is triggering them their ownself.

    I’ve been reading your post for along time I feel I can see your growth. You are so much better at setting boundaries and sticking to them than I am at the moment.

    I look forward to seeing your continue growth as you set and keep your boundaries, as you speak your feeling messages, as you take care of you. I hope I continue to see and learn from the examples you and other ladies here share. And to the guys I hope you’ll stick around and help us understand how men think.



  228.  #228alias girl on July 16, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    thank you ann. yes what people think of me is none of my business. esp if people are trying to manipulate me by putting my so called reputation at risk or by attempting to assassinate my character as a way of trying make me act unprofessional by eliciting purposefully a negative emotional reaction. YES i am talk ing about this continuing drama possible lawsuit with my job. i feel shaking with fury. but let me say this shaking fury feels a hundred times better than that self loathing depression i had before exacerbated my inability to set boundaries.

    i am setting boundaries. period. i don’t care who assassinates my character.

    a lie can not live. a lie can not survive. the truth always prevail. say what you want. i am furious. and i am contacting lawyers.

    i feel furious.

    and no i do not want to be an angry person. i saw rachels wedding and it was so beautiful all these very different kinds of people were able to come together in spite of the extreme differneces or glaring character defects. and no it wasn’t perfect. and people had conflict and misunderstanding. but in the end there was love.

    in the end there is only love.
    l



  229.  #229alias girl on July 16, 2009 at 6:37 pm

    i would still be very stuck and clueless how to make change without this blog. i feel teary and crying. i feel gratitude.



  230.  #230alias girl on July 16, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    boundaries create a feeling of safety in the world. for me. and the more boundaries i speak the more fearLESS i become.



  231.  #231Linda on July 16, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    You are so right about the vibe and demeanor. There is another element here that is hard to explain but is strongly felt. When you are aligned with someone and things are right it feels good. I could feel things shift. It does not feel right or good. You can feel the presence of something between you that blocks your relationship with someone.

    Back to his stuff and my stuff and “you are here”… reality bites.

    I need a hug a big long real hug

    Linda



  232.  #232alias girl on July 16, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    the more fearless and safe i feel , the kinder i am able to be. because i know longer feel threatened. i was a dog who had no bark. i just bit. no warning. i can change this. ah more tears.



  233.  #233alias girl on July 16, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    linda big long -as long as you need- hug. you are here. hug.



  234.  #234Simply Shannon on July 16, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    Terrance: It’s fair for you to speak like a man (you are one, right? 🙂 ) I like hearing your perspective. It’s real. Personally I don’t want you to speak “feminine” here. It’s good practice for me to hear words from a man and hear how you really think. JMO.

    Dan: Armpit farts – yes. Spitting tobacco – not so much. Mainly because I can’t do it. Not chew tobacco (ok gross – I wouldn’t do that either), but spitting – I can’t do it. Is that a guy thing? Do they teach that to you in school? I feel jealous. Ha!

    Alias Girl: If I have a boundary and it’s been crossed and my consequence is to no longer participate in the discussion, then I don’t. I admit it’s hard not to defend yourself but if someone is antagonizing me, they aren’t really interested in what I have to say anyway, so why bother. I’m much better off moving on and doing something that makes me happy. And as others have stated, it depends on what that relationship means to you. If it means nothing, I feel any discussion is futile. Again why bother? If I was at a wedding party and someone was antagonizing me by being in my face, I would certainly feel threatened, and I would definitely walk away. Period. No explaining. No defending. Eck. I feel really angry and disturbed thinking about a situation where I might feel physically threatened. As for a situation where someone is just pestering me, I feel annoyed, like a gnat that will not go away. In that case, I would probably (depending on the details) acknowledge the person and tell them how I feel. “I appreciate that you feel that way, but I don’t feel the need to have that discussion with you here. Can we talk about it later?” As I’m writing this, a part of me wonders if I’m just deflecting my feelings and then paying for it later by not sticking up for myself in the moment.

    Linda: I feel compassion about your situation. I also have trouble enforcing the consequences of my boundaries. I’ve had them stretched to the limit and allowed bad behavior over and over again until I just couldn’t handle it any longer. I’m getting better about them and moving away from situations where I feel bad and towards those where I feel good. The more I love myself and all my quirks and begin forgiving myself for past mistakes, the stronger I feel. The stronger I feel, the easier it gets to say “no” or “no more”. Three steps forward and one step back is still two steps forward. I feel proud of myself that I will no longer be back “there”. (((HUGS)))

    Jennifer: Ditto on your comment about how easy it is to inforce consequences to everyone else but your significant other. I feel forgiveness towards myself for feeling weak in that moment but it was the best I could do at the time. Now that I feel stronger, it’s gotten a lot easier. But it’s always harder when my heart is on the line.

    Ann: I feel so excited reading your words. “We can’t avoid the bad feelings, vibes, energy whatever we call it. We can’t avoid the misunderstandings or even when people are out and out mean to us or even provoke us.” I finally understand that this has nothing to do with anyone else but me and my stuff. It’s MY trigger. Someone else just happens to be delivering it.

    I feel amazing tonight. I went out with my girlfriends and had a blast hanging out, drinking some beers, and just being a sexy woman. I reconnected with some old friends. I just feel really GOOD. And the picture I sent to my guy before I left to go out got the following response: “Damn you look HOT and I’m pissed.” LOL! And I was thinking of you Daria tonight when I heard “our” song on the radio! Sweet dreams my lovely Sirens and the brave men on the island!



  235.  #235Robin on July 16, 2009 at 9:31 pm

    I feel relieved reading how we cant control when others are sometimes outright mean or rude to us. I have been feeling so sad lately, and I feel triggered and frustrated,

    And I have a feeling that some of this is coming from my new job. I lease apartments, but residents come in yelling at me about all kinds of things that I honestly have no control over

    But my job is to be the person they love and to smile and be sweet…

    So when someone is talking down to me, my boundaries are like OH HELL F@*&$# NO, I dont tolerate that kind of language…

    But I cant just get into a pissing-match with people and I dont want to , but I also dont want to roll over and play dead and pretend that Im ok with people venting at me…Im not a whipping post, and thats not part of my job description…

    So now Im working on some good authentic, & respectful ways to express that I will not tolerate being yelled at, disrespected, or talked down to….Any ideas???

    I also feel icky about the men in my rotation, esp. the one that I happen to like the most, live outa town, and it just doesnt feel like he can step up, it just feels like something’s holding himself back, and whatever that is, its his stuff, not my business..

    But I felt really triggered by him b/c I dont hear from him for 5 days and then I get a txt with a ‘?’ thats it…

    So I told him it felt good to hear from him..and then he says “you forgot my bday, no call, card, wish or song, and I drove all the way to see you? Twice!”

    So I tell him I apologize I didnt know, and wished him happy bday..now its back to no contact, and yet he keeps complaining that I wont initiate anything with him…and Im pretty sure I mentioned already to him that I dont feel comfortable initiating or chasing…

    was that not clear enough, gentlemen on this blog??

    Oh I forgot, he did send an email, I replied, feeling mgs, and 6 days later he replies, I see you’re finally chking email…

    Well I had the same feeling about him..this feels like way too much effort, dude Im not a man, so I dont want to BE the man, I feel frustrated and irritated that he wants me to be more proactive..he keeps saying I need to meet him in the middle….

    What do you gentlemen on this blog think?



  236.  #236Robin on July 16, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    I’m not trying to be a bitch about it, I would love some feedback…

    Also, I was listening to Targeting and on cd6, track 1 or 2 , Rori talks about telling the difference between a man who wants to give TO you and a man who wants something FROM you, and It appears that she did a visual to demonstrate this…

    Can anybody explain what she does at this particular point of the program, maybe someone who has the dvd, as I feel confused about this part….???

    I would love to know!!



  237.  #237Tracy on July 17, 2009 at 12:39 am

    Lately, I’ve been noticing that the best thing to do when I feel misheard is to listen……..
    Dan,I love this comment……I also tend to feel misheard and left out when people are discussing something….and i often shut down…it feels so much better to just listen in the conversation without passing judgment…..and i often realize that i end up being part of the conversation……I guess for me…it really is more about the insecurities i have inside of me that make me feel this way….
    This thread has been the most educative for me and i feel myself letting lose slowly by slowly and it feels great….
    I feel that i am getting more in touch with my feelings.
    I can feel my happiness and sadness and my uncertainty….i feel that i am getting in touch with myself….It feels scary but exciting all at the same time…



  238.  #238Jennifer on July 17, 2009 at 4:10 am

    I sent SO an email, is it leaning forward if it’s full of feeling messages?
    Maybe but I feel pretty good about it. I told him I felt left out when he went to his buddies for the weekend instead of coming home. I felt hurt and pissed off that the only way I found out about his plans was through buddy’s facebook. I felt hurt that SO hadn’t added me to his friend’s list.
    I feel I can’t get trasparency and the whole story. I don’t feel good about this relationship. I feel unsupported.
    (I’m having some medical issues as is my father)
    I feel like I need to take some time to really look after myself and unplug and heal from my hurts.
    I sent it last night. I feel pretty good about it. It feels like being my own best friend. I have a little bit of nervousness about it…what if he emails and says he’s breaking up with me? Well, logically…if the man I’ve been with for 6 years cant call me the week my father and I both have medical issues…would it be so bad if he was gone from my life? Emotionally I feel a litttle scared about that. We’ve been together for 6 years. I was never good at dating before…but maybe I would be this time.
    On a positive note…I’ve been waiting to be taken to a museum exhibit nearby, but decided in the middle of the week I didn’t need to wait anymore and my sister an I are going today.
    I feel excited about that…now I don’t have to feel nervous about any of the drama that I would have if I was with him. Like wether or not we were actually going.
    Yeah for taking care of myself!



  239.  #239gina on July 17, 2009 at 12:14 pm

    I feel angry at men right now. I think it has to do with the way that I meet them – salsa bars or at the comedy club where I cocktail waitress. I’m grossed out by the promiscuity. I feel jaded and defensive and combative. I feel like I want to clamp my legs shut and be a beautiful unattainable goddess that men suffer over. But then i worry that at some point i’ll lose my beauty and power, and I’ll be a cat lady. I want to feel secure and good with a guy who was raised to be a Man – who feels compelled to take care of one woman, who decides that I am His woman. I also know that I will be fine on my own. That feels hard (not difficult, but like a rock) and not feminine, but strong. I want to be vulnerable, but not susceptible to BS. Boundaries boundaries boundaries. I wonder if I can maintain boundaries without a defensive wall. I feel resistance. I love my resistance. I love my strength and independence. I love my unwillingness to get close to people. I love my fear of falling. I feel tears burning. I feel softening and opening. I feel urgent – go pack and get ready to move!!! Tomorrow is the big day – I’m so proud of all my cool stuff!!



  240.  #240Linda on July 17, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    I have had a day to think and feel. I feel icky and sad. I want the things he said to be real and experience for more than 10 stinking days!… sheesh.

    The warm forward energy is gone from him. It only really lasted 10 days though. It was glorious. I dont even know if I understand what is real anymore. I dont know what to think anymore. I just feel today.

    My male friend at work whom knows all the story… said to me today that everything that has happened and was said was real. Then went on and said…”Look… you let go of him and a month later he calls you and wants back into your life. If he has an addiction to the cyber crap then let it play out. He already told you that it tears his spirit down and he hates himself. He told you he needs you and he does. It is gonna take more time is all. Men go to their caves, to work problems out and come back to where the feel secure and safe and accepted when their storm has passed whether it is self impossed or not.

    Okay I get all that but…what about me? How I feel and what I want and need. When do you load someone with your feeling messages. I am waiting to talk to him about the internet thing. I know the opportunity will present itself. I know what I need to say, just want to say it when the time is right.

    I did not hear from him today. But I remembered being convicted to never approach anything out of a place of fear… so I text after work and ask if was ok? I got a quick responce. “yes just busy with sales calls”…. and how are you?…. WHAT SHOULD I HAVE SAID? Is he clueless? I told him I had a mixed bag day…it was all I could muster to text. I wanted to say I am miserable!

    I want to talk to him and see him. Work this all out, get back on track sigh I just want to feel aligned and right again… my friend says it will… the question is am I willing to wait and put up with this blip again? sigh

    I feel intollerant and needy at the same time. sigh

    Linda



  241.  #241alias girl on July 17, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    It can also be referred to as “bullying in the workplace.”

    I feel beat up.

    I feel bad. I feel depleted and unable to be an actively supportive siren in this moment.

    I feel grateful. Thank you for a blissful outcome and providing all the support and resources that I need.



  242.  #242Linda G on July 24, 2009 at 2:50 am

    I haven’t posted in weeks, but I hope I can get a reaction to this scenario, please girls:

    Months ago there was an entry that was directed to me and a guy who said “no” . You girls were so kind to confer with me about how to respond, etc.
    Here is the update:
    He did get in tough several weeks later. I felt bored with all these romantic emails that never went anywhere so i sent him my number; “it would feel so good to hear your voice” He never called, writing he was depressed over the memory of his father’s death, it was his birthday,,,
    so I let it, and him, go.
    Just a week ago he gets in touch saying this time he is definitely going to come for real. He offers me two dates to pick from (he is driving to NY from DC)
    I choose one (tomorrow). He tells me how wonderful blah blah blah. After an exchange or two of the same flirtatious emails we have been doing for months, I respond with an email ; “reality check; I feel uneasy closing off my other options and blocking out time for the weekend until you are certain about the specifics of what you want to do.”
    I never heard from him, it’s been three days and he was supposed to come tomorrow.
    In my heart, I felt I did not want to fall into being disappointed again. even though I had my hair done and got a pedicure (which I do every month anyway). Did I make it not happen or is this just his M.O.?

    PS But in reality I am mad at myself because I did turn down a couple of dates with good guys because of his promise to come up and see me, one who I like who was supposed to call this past Monday to see when we could go out and he didn’t. I answered him kind of wishy washy when he asked me out because I didn’t know what to say for some reason.
    It was the lure of possible romance that got me again, one of my core needs, but I am seeing, is not enough and is sometimes faked.

    I also feel like this guy is just too much effort, not that he asks for it, but somehow I feel compelled to diet and get my hair done and all sorts of stressful superficial things just to try to impress him, which I never get a chance to do.

    I feel like I responded coldly to him and it turned him off. I tend to shut down around men.



  243.  #243Sunshine on July 27, 2009 at 3:37 am

    “It Doesn’t Matter Who’s Stuff It Is — It Only Matters How You Feel “Here” this is a good title. This title is correct. It really does not matter who’s stuff it is. What matter is that you create the space in your life that allows your life to be enriched and allows you the ability to take care of yourself. When you focus on your self and truly take care of you it seems; at least for me, my life goes pretty well… and it is pretty full… and the right people someway or somehow find me. And those who are suppose to join me in this life find there way back. However, in no way do I expect anyone to come back. I just do my best to focus on myself and hope they are taking care of their needs.



  244.  #244Sunshine on July 27, 2009 at 3:50 am

    It really does not matter who’s stuff it is. What matter is that you create the space in your life that allows your life to be enriched and allows you the ability to take care of yourself.

    When you focus on your self and truly taking care of you, it seems, those that are suppose to join you in this life will find you or make their way back to you.

    To learn how to take care of yourself is powerful!!! And learning how to take care of yourself does not happen overnight. If you are taking care of yourself, your life will be enriched beyond anythng you could imagin, and to have what is real me must learn to do this. However, while on this journey do not expect the past to return. Focus on self and hope he also is focusing on taking care of himself.



  245.  #245Cassandra on August 3, 2009 at 7:47 am

    I feel sad and I feel broken and I feel so angry that I feel like I am about to explode. I feel sad that I am so so far behind in all of the posts here and that there is no way that I can catch up with 244 posts just in this one message. I feel sad because I feel that I missed some really awesome and important things and that I have not been able to be here and be a support to so many of those here that I love and want to be an encouragement to. I feel left out but only because my schedule has not allowed me to be here for a while.

    I feel scared and afraid and so so deeply sad. Things with Charles have deterioated to the point that we are no longer even friends. I feel confused as to how we got to this point and I feel so sad that things will never be the way that they were. I feel sad because I am losing what I came here to have even though I have not had it since I got here. He has been a tyrant and nastier than I can imagine any person being to another person let alone someone that they claim to care about. He tells me that he never loved me and that it was all a game to him and then follows that with ‘babe call me if you need me and call me before bed tonight for sure ok?” BASTARD! I am convinced that he is seeing someone else and that feels a hurt that is debilitating. I feel like a loser that I have been stuck here for so long with no other place to go and that I have had to endure the kind of verbal abuse and emotional abuse that has taken my spirit and broken it completely. I feel angry at myself for being here and not getting my needs met for a year and a half. I feel sad that even though I was doing things that made me feel good about me I no longer have the energy to do anything at all. I feel angry that men think that it is ok to treat us this way and not think twice. I feel angry that I trusted him. I feel angry that I loved him. I feel angry that I want to be married with a family of my own and I now feel afraid that I will never have that and I will end up alone. I feel so angry that it is bringing up feelings of being afraid that I am going to explode on someone that is not even in my life. I feel like a failure. I gave up my entire life for this man who never cared about me at all.

    Charles told me yesterday that he never loved me, that he moved me here under false pretenses and he knew it, that he does not want to be bothered with me, that I have been dragging my feet about leaving here (even though he knows how hard I have been looking for work and finally just decided to create my own business instead of waiting around for a job), he told me thatI am nothing and don’t matter and that my feelings and needs mean nothing to him and that we are nothing more than roommates. My head has known for so long that there is no future with him but I feel angry that my heart had continued to love the SOB. I feel humiliated beyond belief. I am trying so hard to sink into that soup and I know that once I can get totally immersed in it, that I won’t feel so dark. I feel afraid of it as there are so many many pent up angry, awful feelings in there that have never been touched or loved in any way shape or form. I feel afraid that I will fall completely apart even on the treadmill at my gym. I feel fragile and as though all of my pieces are scattered all over the floor of this entire house. When I try to get deep down into my body and become aware of what it is feeling….I feel nothing. I feel totally numb in my body. I feel emotiaonlly beat up to the point of feeling nothing and part of me doesn’t even care. I feel angry at ME for not protecting ME but what was I to do when I told him what I needed in feeling messages and he refused to acknowledge me? Where was I to go? I feel angry that this SOB got 2 years of my life and gave me nothing in return…NO love….NO affection…nothing and he even admits that it was all lies…all based on lies. I feel so angry that I want to scream but I can’t. I feel immobilized and like I can’t even move. OMG this hurts to bad. I feel like I could throw up and my whole entire body is shaking. Iwant ME back…like I was before he came into my life. I know that this is ALL my stuff….he is who he is and always has been…a con artist full of hate for women and he chose me as his next victim…but that is all who he is and that is no longer my worry. This is all my stuff. I want new stuff. I don’t know how to deal with my current stuff. I feel literally starved for love and affection. I have not even had a sincere hug in over a year. I feel so angry that my hands are shaking so had that I can barely type. I feel rejected, unwanted, ugly, undesirable, uneverything good even though everyone else in my life tells me all of these wonderful things that they see. YEAH RIGHT! I don’t want to hear that! I don’t want to hear how beautiful or sweet I am. I am so damn sick of hearing that it makes me cringe whenever I hear that from anyone. I feel embarassed because I feel that everyone here is thinking/ feeling what the hell is wrong with that woman?! Why can’t she get it together for pete sake? No ONE has ever said that though…ever. I feel so far away from everyone and everything good. I feel so far away from being whole and happy again and certainly far away from the things that I want for my life. I feel afraid of my stuff. There is alot of stuff and it scares me. I feel afraid I am going to repeat this same thing again in the future I feel afriad of love now even though I feel starved for it. I feel desperate to be held and loved.

    His brother and nephew moved in with us last week and all hell has broken loose withthem here. I know that his brother is talking to him about me and reminding him that he can do better. Remember when he tried to talk Charles into kicking me out? Being here…..I feel like white trash and not the elegant, poised, well spoken lady that I was. I feel scared that she is gone for good. I can’t say I blame her though.

    I am moving soon. Going to look at a place today with a girlfriend of mine. It would be ALL MINE without him and his meanness. He says all of these horrific things to me and then before walking out the door he says ‘babe call me if you need me and don’t forget to call me before you go to bed ok?” WHY? WHY? WHY? why even say something like that to me when he does not care about me at all and never has. My body is now reacting because I can’t breathe nor can I stop crying. I feel so afraid to be out there by myself again..coming home to no one and doing it all alone again. I DON”T WANT THAT FOR MY LIFE! I feel duped and lied to and betrayed beyond anything I have ever experienced. I know that on the other side of this pain good things are supposed to be waiting or so they all say but I do not believe that.

    I have to get myself ready to go out and get things done for my business. We are about ready to launch and that makes me feel great but I feel so sad that I will be back out there in this cold, lonely world alone. I have been alone since he came into my life so what’s the difference? I feel angry that horrible men can do this to wonderful beautiful loving giving caring ladies and not one bad things ever happens to any of them…they go about their lives all happy go lucky and their bad behavior never comes back to them at all.

    Daria….AG…heartbeat….Gina….Tina…Linmayu..I have missed you all so so much and I promise you all that I will get caught up and know what is going on with you. I feel safe here and it does feel good to be back. I love you all.



  246.  #246DocK on August 4, 2009 at 6:58 am

    Cassandra

    I feel so much hurt inside myself reading your words. I am SO happy you are looking for another place. You deserve to be treated like a Goddess because that is what you are! I feel angry that you would be spoken to that way.

    I feel sympathy and compassion as well. I had a former BF that was toxic. It hurt so much because at one time I had felt that if someone was ever going to adore me to the end of time – it would be him. I felt tricked. I didn’t live with him as you do – but I worked with him – on projects (we were considered to be a team) so I understand easier said than done to get away.

    BUT I did!! Once I did – I felt SO much lighter. Things started going right. I made new friends – got in touch with my passion (dance).

    That was a few years ago and he has tried to come back to me. I have ignored his attempts at contact – I don’t want or need him in my life.

    I feel supportive of you. I believe there is a power for good that exists and that it supports you. You don’t need this man – all you need is within you.

    Love, DocK



  247.  #247Cassandra on August 6, 2009 at 12:27 pm

    DocK..thank you for your post. It felt good to read your post and I felt cared for and understood. Thank you. I feel overwhelmed…completely overwhelmed. I have so much STUFF right now that when I went to take care of business today, I literally was driving in circles and when I would get to a specific destination I could not remember why I was there. I realized that I feel completely and utterly overloaded and came back home. I went to read all of the posts above and felt such a sense of excitement reading some and deep sadness reading others and again, realized that I can’t do that right now. I feel frustrated because I want to be there for everyone and be in the know but I feel numb and empty and invisible. I feel so tired and my body hurts in an ‘overworked out’ sort of way but all I have done is cardio…taking today off….feel that I need to pamper me and care for me right now. Writing this tears just started flowiong down my cheeks. I feel like I failed. I gave up everything….my whole life…everything….for nothing. I went yesterday to look at 2 different apartments and could barely keep from crying in front of the leasing agents because I did not want to be there. I feel angry…this was supposed to be my home. I feel angry that Charles has this much power over me and I don’t even know when I gave it to him or how I handed it to him. I feel as though I failed again. I feel fear of trusting my own decision making skills with regard to men, relationships and romance. I feel desperate for love and affection and I feel fear that because of that I will meet some beefcake and do something stupid just to get some affection and then later find out he was a serial killer or something along those lines….hello…like Charles isn’t? Well maybe not the serial killer but phsychopath? for sure. He has no feelings and no conscience and that makes me feel afraid. Part of me feels like ‘wow..I can finally focus on me again and do the things that I want to do when I want to do them and with whom I want to do them….etc.’ but the other part can’t get him out of my heart. He sends such conflicting messages that I don’t know if I am coming or going and I feel like my head is spinning. He called last night to say goodnight as always and we were on the phone for quite a while..that has not happened in a very long time. I want to know why he even called if he does not want me around or why he does this or that but that is HIS stuff and I don’t want to even THINK about his stuff anymore!

    DocK, your words made me cry…feeling loved and almost of a sense of ‘how dare him’. That felt good to me. I feel afraid that when I move that he won’t contact me and that he will not even care that I am gone and that he will NOT try to get me back. I still want him to want me and I feel scared about that. I don’t want to want him to want me. Could anyone follow that? I want him to hurt that I am gone but he won’t even notice. I feel insignificant. I feel unwanted, undesirable, undatable, unmarry-able, unattractive. He has not touched me in over a year and that has totally messed with my esteem and sense of desirability. I feel rage and anger beyond anything that I have ever felt. I feel fear that I won’t ever be able to allow someone else into my life becasue of my anger and bitterness now. I want it to go away but I don’t know how to make it go away and I am too afraid to really feel it all. I want to get to ther other side so badly but I feel scared to take a step. I feel afraid that he is coming home tomorrow and I don’t know what to expect. I feel nuts that I read my posts about things that he has said or done and think to myself…are you crazy?! Why are you even sad about him breaking up with you?! I feel so so tired right now. I am going to go take a nap.



  248.  #248Simply Shannon on August 6, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    Cassandra: I feel empathy for your suffering right now. I too am in that dark place. Just like you, I want A to miss me. I want him to call me. I want him to hurt. I want him to fight for me. My heart aches when I think about it.

    But I have chosen to go forward. I do not want to feel bad and if thinking about him makes me feel bad, then I am doing everything in my power NOT to think about him. I still feel triggered…if I am out in my car, and I see a jeep, I wonder if it’s him. When I was texting him over the weekend, it was so much worse. Now that I’m not talking to him, it is so much easier. (Let me be clear that he is not contacting me. It was not my choice, but it was welcome relief.) My heart is still broken, and I still have strong feelings for him but the devastation that I felt every second of the day is not there.

    Is it possible for you to get just a few days of no contact? I know in your head that is the last thing you want but it has truly helped me. Even if it’s just to say “Charles, I need some time to think. Please don’t contact me. I will contact you when I’m ready to talk.” One – it gives you space away from him, and two – YOU are in control of the timing instead of waiting around for him to contact you.

    And if you can, talk to other men. As much as I fought against the whole Circular Dating thing, I am a firm believer now. Just knowing I have a date on Friday night has done WONDERS for me. Last Friday night I was devastated because I found out A had cheated on me and this Friday, I have a date. Magic. It just reminds me that A is not the last man alive on the planet. Now I have power and control again. If he comes back, the whole vibe is different for me. Where just a few days ago, I felt so weak and powerless, today I feel so much stronger. I’m keeping busy: hanging out with my girlfriends tonight, going on a date Friday, going out with girlfriends again on Monday, and another date on Tuesday (diff guy). I needed space from him. Time to not think about him all day long. I’m not ignoring my feelings. I am working through them, but I’m not in the pit all day long every day, ya know?

    I guess what I’m saying is that I was just where you are literally 2-3 days ago. And yet here I sit 48 hours later with a completely different attitude. It is possible to turn things around just that quickly.

    Keep writing here. We’re here Cassandra. (((Gentle Hugs))) Shannon



  249.  #249Cassandra on August 7, 2009 at 7:25 am

    HI Shannon….thanks for sharing your experience with me! I really appreciated that and I feel so sad that you are hurting like I am ….I hate that for you BUT I feel great that you are doing so well and have such clarity with things. That feels so encouraging to me!

    I can’t really go without a few days of contact because I live in his house at least for the time being. I have been looking for a place of my own and that feels so scary to me and ominous. He is however on the road sometimes..not nearly as much now as he used to be but he is gone sometimes and when he is gone, I do ffel myself relax a little bit so I know what you mean. As a matter of fact, just yesterday I was noticing how I was feeling overall – he left on Wed and will be home later on today. Knowing that he is coming home today makes me feel nervous and shaky and uneasy and tense and like my tummy is all lumped up into a ball. I feel uneasy because I don’t know what to expect…peace or a rampage and that feels horrible!

    I have been trying to focus on doing the things that I need and or want to do for ME. Today I willbe working in the business all day but then I am going shopping later on and of course my workout so I feel good about that. I am not sure about this evening yet but I am not worried about it. As far as dating other people, with me still being in his house I feel uncomfortable doing that although I did step out and go for dinner these last few months with other people. While some of that may have felt ok I never really felt ok with that. now however things are different…..I don’t feel at all like putting myself out there though…not at all. I feel like I have nothing give anyone even for a onetime dinner and a movie kind of night.

    While he is the one that broke up with me, I feel nervous that he is going to come back home and tell me that he never did that. he has done that before so I am not sure what to think. I am just doing what I need to do for my business and getting my workout in and doing what I want to do today. Right this moment, I feel ok. it is kind of moment by moment but I feel so encouraged by the new ‘place’ that you are in!! I feel excited for you and for all of the wonderful things that are coming your way! Thanks again Shannon for sharing that with me…it did make me feel better and I feel heard and understood.

    Hugs back you to too!!
    Cass



  250.  #250Simply Shannon on August 7, 2009 at 10:13 am

    Yeah Cass! I feel glad that my story helped! I know that pain all too well and being able to encourage you is actually encouraging me at the same time. It’s almost like talking to myself but without the whole schizophrenia issue. LOL!

    I’m spending a lot of time figuring out what I really want in a relationship. I’m not basing it on what I had with A. I’m purely saying what my ideal relationship would be. Once I know that in my head, then I can look at my relationship with A alot more objectively. Did I have everything? No. Was I still in love with him? Yes. Do I want everything? YES.

    I can still love him and want something more. And knowing I’ve gotten past the hurt before is actually making me feel more confident that I’ll get past it this time. I believe he was the messenger for two things:
    1. Trust your gut
    2. People flow in and out of our lives. Nothing is constant.

    When I kicked out my exhusband, it took me a year to get over him. When I broke up with my last boyfriend (distance too great), it took me a month. Now with A, it’s been a week, and I’m going on a date tonight. I’m not so flippant that I just don’t care anymore but I’m staying on my horse. We had the experience of each other and it ended. I’m learning and moving on. As I told my mother, I’m ripping off the bandaid!

    I hope that today goes well for you. I’m sure you are nervous. Maybe plan something fun to do for you so that regardless of his mood, you are not stuck there in it with him. (((HUGS))) Thinking of you!! Shannon



  251.  #251kimberly on November 22, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    Hi Everyone! My boyfriend and I have been together for it will be 2 years in Feb. Anyway I need help. He is pushing away from me and wants to spend more time with his friends then with me. He says that I think he needs to be with me all the time and I don’t. I was in a very verbal, emotional and physical relationship before him and I have talk to him and told him how i feel about the way he treats me at times and its like he doesn’t care. He tells me to talk to him and then when I try to he doesn;t want to hear it or he gets made about it.

    My family loves him and Includes him in everything but he doesn’t always want to come be a part of it thats his choice and I understand that, But he does stuff with his ( to him brother but he isn’t really the brother its just a friend) all the time and I don’t get included in anything. He compains if I call or text him when he is with them but he lives with them so he is with them all the time. But its okay for them to call and text him when is spending time with me and I am not supose to care. Then when I says something I have he says I have a attitude about it. That my voice changes how do i fix that? I am at my wits end and don’t know what to do. He says he love me but but he wont say it all the time. He says if I don’t know by now that he loves me I need my head checked. Please help



  252.  #252Rori Raye on November 23, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    Kimberly – saying you “love someone” is worth nothing. If you don’t feel loved, then this is not working. Please Circular Date by dating yourself and flirting and interacting with new men, and learn to speak in a new way, with Feeling Messages. You’ve made this man the center of your world – and not only is it not attractive to any man – it isn’t GOOD for YOU. I hope soon you’ll end the “exclusivity” of this and actually start dating new men. Do you really feel like this is how you want to live your life? With this low level of attention? Not me, for sure…Love, Rori