It Gets Better!

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rori pretty cropped1Here’s a great letter from Sis:

Thank you Rori, you have been a wonderful influence in my life! Your emails have been a life saver!

Sometimes, when I have been really down about ever getting healthy in a relationship, your emails will pop up, I’ll read them, and they will be exactly what I need to hear at that time.

I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years now and it seems to continue to get healthier and more loving.

One of the key things I learned from you was to take care of myself and my inner desires put in me by my creator God.

One of my desires was to get my pilots license. …I’m at 55 hours now. It’s awesome and my self confidence in relationships and life is growing everyday from this and other things.

It’s so crazy, how a unhealthy environment growing up, can make you an emotional cripple in relationships.

Parents we always need to try and do better with our children! It takes sooo long to overcome and heal from a dysfunctional upbringing! But you are proof it can be done!

Anywhooo, Thank you Again, Sis…

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  1.  #1Lucinda on December 4, 2016 at 6:10 am

    Hi Rori,
    First, I love your blog and your ideas, particularly the ideas about circular dating. Your advice helped me tremendously in the past, before I got married.

    Here is my situation: I have been married for 1-2 years. My husband and I currently have 2 kids, including an infant. My husband is overall a good father and spouse except for one major issue: I worry about the possibility that he physically cheated not long after our infant was born. While I was pregnant, I caught him flirting on social media with a few girls, mostly one who lives many states away that he’s never met, but another who he later admitted he knew through mutual friends in our town, and was thinking about going on a date with but never actually did. Months after our baby’s birth, I found condoms. Immediately I feared cheating, and after taking a day to overcome my fear of confrontation, I confronted him. After his initial denial followed by downplaying what happened, with much goading and questioning from me, he finally admitted what had happened: he’d gone to a strip club a few weeks after our baby’s birth and had spent money on lapdances with a stripper, then arranged to meet up with her for sex after her shift ended, but she ended up never showing up so it didn’t happen. He swears he didn’t do anything but get a few topless/G-string lapdances, and fondle her breasts and butt during those dances (which unfortunately, is the norm at strip clubs in my area).

    Ever since the day I found the condoms, I’ve felt fearful, anxious, frantic, and depressed. Between this and my stressful job situation, I think I might have some depression. I’m in a funk. I excessively worry that maybe he actually did hook up with the stripper but is afraid to tell me because he doesn’t want to face consequences for what he did: namely divorce and/or me cheating back. (he knows I’ve advised friends in similar situations to “revenge cheat” and leave) Also, he has a history of being dishonest when he’s trying to avoid hurting people or doesn’t want people mad at him.

    We’ve been in counseling for months now, starting with the initial online flirting when I was pregnant, and then starting up again months ago not long after I found the condoms. Some of the therapy has been unsuccessful, and some has had moderate albeit very slow success. Therapy hasn’t helped him to spill what I suspect are hidden truths about what he’s done. Even if he’s telling the truth about the stripper, I still feel irritated and ripped off that he had body-to-body contact with an almost-naked girl and felt her up. Not to mention the frustration I feel about him spending money on her, when we’ve been hard pressed financially, with me paying the larger share of the household bills! I feel angry, and I feel like wanting to go out and do the same thing, and I feel like wanting to validate my own attractiveness by getting guys to spend money on me or want my body. Yes I admit I’m a vindictive person.

    This whole situation has me considering Circular Dating as a married woman. Would you recommend this in my situation? If so, what limits should I set for myself? For example, should I allow myself to get physical in any way with these men, or just meet up with them but keep my hands and body totally to myself? I’ve already started talking to a few men and went out for brief drinks with one man last month, but I didn’t kiss or anything that would constitute physical cheating. I never told my husband about this. If I go on more dates or decide to hook up with anyone (light kissing or more), I’m probably not going to tell my husband, at least not right away, especially since he did not afford me immediate confessions of his own indiscretions.

    But how much consideration should I put into my husband’s feelings about this? In recent past he’s been explosively hypocritical about me meeting guys and doing the equivalent that he did with that stripper, going into a rage. Each time he’ll always calm down later and apologize, admit he’s wrong to be a hypocrite. One time right therapy he meekly requested that if I do anything with a guy, if I could just please tell him afterwards. I wasn’t sure if that was an implied form of consent to let me do what I need to do to get closure on his indiscretions, or if he just wants more transparency from me than he’s willing to give. What do you think of this situation and my idea to circular date? How should I approach circular dating as a married woman who wants to find her confidence, feel wanted, and indirectly show husband she’s a wanted hot commodity? Thank you so so so much for your invaluable advice and feedback.