It Isn’t Enough to Lean Back – You Have to Open Up

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Here’s a great question from Lisa that started me off on a visualization and a bunch of writing…and I wanted you to try it, too:

“Rori, I just wanted to let you know how much I love your work!

I have been interested in your programs for the past year and a half.
I’ve been in a topsy-turvy relationship, which has allowed me to go deeper into my own fear and protections (I had a rough childhood that I never quite was able to grow out of).  After some unpretty moments and short breakups, I’ve arrived at a season of peace between us and acceptance of myself. at times I resisted focusing on myself as you counsel (it felt so foreign) and I felt too in my head to use a lot of your visualizations, but once I learned HOW to have a real dialogue with myself, I was able to use your tools and concepts to start to heal myself and accept my perfect-but-imperfect life…

I do have one suggestion, though, my guy has taken my leaning back quite personally and has become very hurt and angry at times…I would bet that a post on how to handle a man who is angry and hurt by this would be quite helpful to a lot of women. Love, Lisa”

Here’s my answer:

Lisa, Thank you – and here’s the thing: Leaning back goes along with being an “Invitation.”

Stopping Overfunctioning and Leaning Forward is the first step to undoing the damage we do in relationships – and then the next step has to be opening your heart.

Leaning Back can feel cold to a man – or it can feel WARM! And warm is what you want.

Leaning Back can feel to a man like you’re closing down and shutting down and blocking him out – or it can feel like you’re taking the pressure off him you’ve been putting on him, and simply opening up your heart, soul and body to him.

Leaning Back without Opening Up can become a great “strategy” for managing the Energy Exchange between you and a man…and yet it’s only one PART of the Rori Raye Dance Position. (The entire Dance Position is in my Commitment Blueprint program) – so that instead of being cold – you’re leaning back AND being amazingly OPEN and receptive…

It’s a very different feeling…for him and for you.

This is the Modern Siren combo – making a man feel safe and yet thrilled. Opening him up and opening up the emotional depth of the relationship by opening YOURSELF up in his presence.

It doesn’t necessarily mean deliberately sharing personal and private thoughts, feelings and your history.

What opening up means is that you allow yourself to be open and vulnerable just standing or sitting around with him. You allow yourself to just Be, instead of being in your head about the past or the future. Without thinking about ANYTHING.

It’s a complete absence of an agenda.

What does it feel like to have  no agenda?

It’s different for each of us…so, to do the exercise I want you to do – write it down like I did here…

Here’s what comes in as feelings and pictures to me when I imagine having no “plan”…

I feel like a baby looking around and seeing things for the first time.

I feel completely lost…at sea…no rudder, no sense of direction.

I feel a huge wave of weird in my stomach.

I feel peaceful.

I want to go to sleep.

I want to do something “useless” and “unproductive”…like stare at a wall. Or stare at my fingernail, or an object.

I want to “fuzz out” with my eyes and brain.

I see things on my desk I didn’t know were there.

I feel physically uncomfortable where I didn’t notice it before.

I feel anxious – like I don’t know what’s coming at me.

I feel released.

I feel “permission” to be useless and unproductive.

I feel pretty.

And on and on…

See what’s going on for you, by imagining having no agenda at this moment – no “plan” for what the next moment’s going to be – and writing it all down.

First – imagine a fabulous man is standing right in front of you, smiling at you.

Imagine having no agenda, no plan, no action in mind. Imagine just being there.

As a starter: Here’s what it feels like for me:

I feel his blue eyes …like they’re jumping out of his face and coming to me…

I can feel my shoulders relaxing and my stomach giving way.

All of a sudden I can feel tingling in my vagina, moving energy, wetness.

I don’t want to give up my plan.

I feel fear to just stop my train of thought and let my plan for the next moment go limp…

Now let’s explore what that feels like for YOU…Go on and write your feelings, impressions, sensations and experience down.

I’d love to have a great collection of all your writing and experience doing this…

Love, Rori

Posted in

734 Comments

  1.  #1life_is_too_short_to... on November 9, 2010 at 10:48 am

    SLV, where are you! ?:-)



  2.  #2Meemee on November 9, 2010 at 10:53 am

    Life is too short,
    You topped this time. I am following 🙂
    Meemee



  3.  #3Mercedes on November 9, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Rori: Do you think you can lean forward without hurting anything too? I mean if you’re comfortable in your relationship?

    Sometimes I lean in and kiss J…no asking…no leaning back and “waiting” or being open to it when he decides but actually grabbing ahold of his cheeks and planting one on him when he’s just sitting there minding his own business. He likes it…and I’m comfortable with it. My question do you think over time this will have negative results for me or do you think that because I’m doing what I want without expectations (oh…except that he’s going to kiss me back…I expect that…or at least would be shocked if it didn’t happen…) that’s why it works for us? Because I’m not expecting him to say anything or stop what he’s doing and spend the next 30 minutes staring into my eyes or taking out the trash? I’m just kissing him because he’s sitting there and looks all hot and I think it’s the right thing to do in that moment?

    Hmmm…

    I wonder about this a lot because I have those moments when I have to lean back because I’ve found myself wishing or hoping for a result or something specific to happen…I love the lean back concept because of those times. But I also like to lean forward…and I think it’s sweet when we do it.

    I wonder if Lisa’s man is angry and hurt because she’s leaned so far back she’s no longer doing the things he fell in love with about her…like if she gave spontaneous kisses or pats on the butt or if she made his special breakfast every Sunday morning and he loved that about her or if she always handed him the sports section of the paper first, etc. Sometimes, when we stop overfunctioning (which is another concept I TOTALLY agree with) we also stop doing the things these men loved about us from the start. Maybe her man just misses some of those things and she’s leaned just a bit too far back? Do you think that’s possible?

    I’m struggling with this one a bit…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  4.  #4Rori Raye on November 9, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Mercedes – I’m back from my seminar and trying to catch up with all of you…and just put up a post in answer to Lisa…I’d like to put your question in a post, too…because – remember – my Tools are only Tools – they’re not a lifestyle or way of life. The goal here is for you to feel like a “rock star free spirit” and to be able to do ANYTHING you WANT! The thing is – most of us have such terrible habits, wanting things and trying to get them, having agendas for everything we do – that in order to get a grip and become AWARE of what we’re doing and where the impulses are coming from – we have to, as I say – “go back to the wall.” Love, Rori



  5.  #5life_is_too_short_to... on November 9, 2010 at 11:11 am

    MeeMee,
    You are amazing!

    I am so, so happy and proud of you at how you so beautifully handled yourself at the coffee meeting!

    I want you to know that I am also here cheering you on, and learning from you, too. As you know, I am dealing with a toxic man situation as well. I am so convinced that in doing what is right for me in standing firm in my boundaries is not only good for me but it is good for him, too, who has no boundaries, only knee-jerk defenses.

    To allow him too much space in my life to violate my boundaries when he is capable of nothing else at this time, would be like enabling the drug addict.

    This is why I have stopped using feeling messages, leaning back and being inviting with him.

    I do not want a painful stalking experience, so I am easing out of the relationship gradually.

    The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results!

    much love to you!

    LITS



  6.  #6Mercedes on November 9, 2010 at 11:13 am

    Rori: Did you panic when I offered to write a post for you on the other thread because it was taking too long to load? LOL I offer and a few hours later you have this up! 🙂

    I think that’s it though (as far as your answer goes). I kiss like a rockstar! 🙂

    I would love to hear you expand a little on my question though. Because I see what you mean about how some women have gone so far that they have to pull all the way back and repair the damage they’ve done. What I would like to see is maybe some tools to how we see when we (and our men) are ready for us to start bringing a little of that back (like some of the things I’ve mentioned above) and yet still keep moving forward with what we learn from leaning back. In other words…how do we go from leaning back all the way to then leaning forward rock star like so our men aren’t so angry when we appear to not want to initiate anything (including cooking dinner) anymore. LOL

    Does that make sense?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  7.  #7Senior Lady Vibe on November 9, 2010 at 11:20 am

    1: life_is_too_short_to… says:
    “…SLV, where are you! ?:-) ”

    I’m not always on top. 😉 It’s fun to take turns… 😆

    [I got stuck on my last post…it was going so slowly… ]

    SLV



  8.  #8Daria on November 9, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Mercedes – this kind of thing can be giving back.

    Or it can be overfunctioning… In small ways… I check my energy and my dialogue…

    With my dad. I often find myself wanting to makeca joke to him, or ask him something silly.., it’s a way we talk…
    But why me first? I frell good when I go feminine and feel like a girl…
    Not trying to impress him… I check myself… It’s a little Anxiety and the joke comes to cover that…

    That’d overfunctioning… I do this w Italian guy too… Feel anxious, so say something interesting..

    That’s the difference



  9.  #9tinque on November 9, 2010 at 11:23 am

    If I may Mercedes, when you’ve been in a relationship a long time as you and I have (this can apply sometimes to a new relationship depending on the dynamic between the two people) there has been a energy established between you. There’s a comfort, a familiarity, a knowing the other person maybe better than they know themselves.
    When you SPONTANEOUSLY initiate affection or sex or when you FEEL like cooking for him or doing something for him, and this comes form a purity of heart, NO AGENDA, then yes of course. Do what moves you and feels good TO YOU.
    You are not a smotherer. This is the kiss of death for many men. So please relax and continue to be YOU. You are NOT creating potential damage.
    You know I initiate a lot. You know I cook for K when I want to. You know I seduce him when I feel like. K likes this very much as long as I don’t do for him with any expectations lingering in my mind or fawn over him, smother him.
    xxoo



  10.  #10Senior Lady Vibe on November 9, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Gee, hardy time to say “hiya” on a new, fast-moving post and it’s time to go back to real life. But if I don’t stay IRL I can’t have my life and CD…

    Good dates to everyone…

    SLV



  11.  #11Senior Lady Vibe on November 9, 2010 at 11:24 am

    New post hasn’t improved my typo ratio any…

    Gee, hardly time to say “hiya” on a new, fast-moving post and it’s time to go back to real life. But if I don’t stay IRL I can’t have my life and CD…

    Good dates to everyone…

    SLV



  12.  #12tinque on November 9, 2010 at 11:30 am

    “how do we go from leaning back all the way to then leaning forward rock star like ”

    Mercedes – When one leans all the way back, the heart is still wide open and giving in that sense. It’s the action, the overfunctioning that has ceased.
    You will feel when the energy between you two has relaxed and opened back up. He will likely want to come to you because he misses you.
    At first it might feel awkward. You might be in your head a bit, wondering, “should I?, shouldn’t I”. And so you test the waters, a little here, a little there. Check in with yourself to see where your intention REALLY is. And you make little moves, a gentle kiss maybe, a reaching for his hand maybe. You get really, really tired of take out, so you cook again one night.
    Make sense?
    xxoo



  13.  #13Daria on November 9, 2010 at 11:40 am

    If it’s a small anxiety, and I reach Out… I’ve missed an opportunity to get present and love myself… I am not being intimate because I’m not sharing my true feelings, I’m trying to avoid them. It’s me who needs love from me then… And giving it to myself puts me back into intimacy



  14.  #14Mercedes on November 9, 2010 at 11:49 am

    I don’t think I have a problem with it too much…more like just a curiosity. Lisa isn’t the first person to make comments about how her man got angry when she started leaning back. I think that’s worth exploring (and I did have the question about potential dammage…not that it would stop me…when I say spontaneous I mean spontaneous so I doubt I would ever think long enough first to even catch myself before it happened).

    However…I see/hear from a lot of women on here about their men getting angry when they lean back and I’m wondering…if they can lean back a little less and keep functioning with their men (lose the overfunctioning but keep those loving gestures) maybe the guys wouldn’t have to resist so hard? I don’t know. J doesn’t resist my leaning back too much…he recognizes it and asks about it. He says he’s very tuned in to my body language and knows right away when I’m feeling “off” and I’m trying to fix it (also knows about leaning back and how/why it works…).

    But tinque: “You will feel when the energy between you two has relaxed and opened back up. He will likely want to come to you because he misses you.” What about those men who don’t relax and open with you and the energy around you…instead they get angry such as Lisa’s man? What do to with them? Lean forward a little? Lean back slowly instead of all at once? Hmmm…I can see where a guy would be shocked by an overfunctioning woman all of a sudden just “checking out” (so to speak) and then be lost without all those lovely gestures she was offering in the beginning. Maybe there’s a balance we should be exploring…that’s all I’m saying.

    Anyway…just curious…mostly from the perspective of these men who don’t like leaning back all that much. For me, I’ll continue to kiss like a rockstar…so I’ll be fine. LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  15.  #15Lucy on November 9, 2010 at 11:53 am

    LOVE this post!!!

    “….remember – my Tools are only Tools – they’re not a lifestyle or way of life. The goal here is for you to feel like a “rock star free spirit” and to be able to do ANYTHING you WANT!”

    Amen!

    Tinque, I love your responses to Mercedes.

    I also like that you wrote this: “(this can apply sometimes to a new relationship depending on the dynamic between the two people)”

    Freedom, with no agenda.

    I feel happy. 🙂

    (I’m also happy that I will be able to load this thread on my phone — at least for a little while, until it gets too looong again!)



  16.  #16Meemee on November 9, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Life is too short,
    Thanks for the suppot
    You said,
    “To allow him too much space in my life to violate my boundaries when he is capable of nothing else at this time, would be like enabling the drug addict”
    I know what you mean.
    I really do.
    Meemee



  17.  #17Meemee on November 9, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    I got my periods.
    I feel tired.
    I feel drained.
    I feel upset.
    I feel pain.
    I feel drowsy.
    But I feel confident.
    Tomorrow will be brighter.
    Meemee will feel better.



  18.  #18Carla on November 9, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Got a general question for the blog readers 🙂 I am dating a wonderful man. He is kind, caring, honest and soooo good to me! But, I have an issue with his teeth. 🙁 They are yellow and kinda icky.. how do I address this?

    Carla 🙂



  19.  #19Daria on November 9, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    Blah feeling annoyed and unheard . Feeling pist off at Mercedes. Feeling pist. Love my feelings.



  20.  #20tinque on November 9, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    Mercedes – My response to men who get angry when his women ceases over functioning is two fold. First I would suggest checking inside to see if your heart (not you personally, the hypothetical you) is closing off along with the shutting down of action.
    Men are for more sensitive to this than many women realize.
    If your heart is truly wide open, in receiving mode, in wafting love mode, then I would ask you why are you with such a man. Most good men would breathe a huge sigh of relief at the freed up energy. Most good men would wait and see if maybe there was a problem with you, but he wouldn’t feel this in your energy, so again he would feel relieved.
    Most good men would eventually ask about the change in behavior, WITHOUT anger. And you would say, “I just was feeling so much pressure from myself to “perform”, to cook, clean, whatever, and now I’m feeling exhausted. I don’t want to feel pressure. I don’t want to feel exhausted.” Or something like this.
    I would NOT want a man who would get angry period, let alone for something like this. Would you?
    xxoo



  21.  #21tinque on November 9, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    “It’s me who needs love from me then… And giving it to myself puts me back into intimacy” – Daria

    YES!!!
    xxoo



  22.  #22Honey on November 9, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Meemee –

    Reposting over on the new thread since everyone is here now…

    I will give you my opinion straight up. Others may have a different opinion. You will have to be the one that decides what feels true to you.

    First let me say that I have not done RR’s toxic man program. I have not dated toxic men (except for my husband). But I figure if I was dating one, I would want him out of my life.

    I’m going to be really honest here…this guy is really pissing me off. I don’t believe one word about why he is keeping you a secret. If that were the case, he could just not tell his parents but wouldn’t care who else knew. I would think he would feel proud to have you as a GF. But even if it is true, is this what you want for your life? Regarding your friends who have asked you if something is going on…Have you ever asked them WHY they are asking?

    I don’t know how old you are…you mentioned that you are a student so I’m thinking fairly young (although I’m in school again myself and I’m not young). Maybe cause I think you are young, I am being over protective. I think when young women start out their love life with guys that cause them pain, they sometimes start to associate pain with love. Then if they get in a healthy relationship, and don’t recognize love because it doesn’t feel the same. I don’t want this to happen to you.

    Personally I find the way he has treated you highly disrespectful and selfish. I think he’s good at playing your emotions and I feel angry at him for it. There are a million women out there who could have wanted to be just a sex buddy – I want him to choose one of them and leave a girl like you who gives heart and soul alone. Because of this, I feel like part of the thrill of this for him is control

    You seem so emotionally invested I’m wondering if you could resist falling into his trap if you were to continue any kind of relationship with X. I look at it like this…If you were diabetic and worked in a candy store and told me that you have been eating candy irresistably for 3 years, but now realize it’s poisoning you and it’s taking everything you have in you to resist it, I would not tell you to work on treating yourself better and on self-control. I would tell you to get the hell out and get a new job, THEN work on treating yourself better and develop more will power in an environment that wasn’t so charged. If you continue to engage with X, he will be around tempting you with his candy. If you want to resist and practice feelings messages, go ahead. But you cannot expect him to change. He already told you he doesn’t want to. I have held on forever even when i know I should let go because kept thinking, “What if…” Screw “What if…” – I’m now hanging onto “What IS”.

    Meemee, I don’t really know you, so chances are there is some element of projection in how I view your situation. That’s probably true for all of our posts to some degree. Please don’t be swayed by the emotion I express in this post…that is my own issue. Only YOU know your situation. You sound like a sharp girl and I have confidence that you will figure out what’s best for you.



  23.  #23Mercedes on November 9, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    tinque: No…I wouldn’t want a man who gets angry at all and I feel very, very fortunate to have one that doesn’t. I don’t know that as women though…for those who DO have this kind of man…there is nothing they can do. I think, again, a balance of being who we were when they fell in love and who we want to become is good…rather than just stopping all of the nice things we do for our men. I don’t know though…because someone who truly OVER functions needs to, as Rori says, stop all of that in order to heal. I don’t know…torn a little I think.

    Daria: I’m feeling “pist” off at you too. Why don’t you go first and tell me why and then I’ll go next? Is it because I kiss spontaneously? I initiate sex too. And I cook sometimes (I’m really good with seafood). I stop at the store on my way home from work if we need coffee. I also sit on his lap just because I want to (or I want the chair he’s sitting in). I do lots of things. Is that what makes you feel pist?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  24.  #24Brenda on November 9, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Color me aroused and flirtatious!

    Durnit! All this gauging and measuring my every word and 19 days of silence has me popping out of my skin! I just flirted with Bill outrageously (read: OUTRAGEOUSLY) to blow off some of my sexual energy!!!

    This leaning back stuff is SOOOO hard for me!

    I just leaned forward with Bill and all but kissed and made love to him! LOLOLOLOL! And I don’t care!



  25.  #25Honey on November 9, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Mercedes –

    I think it’s nice that you do all those things for your guy. I would like to have a guy to do those things for. Doing for a guy, or anyone, only becomes a problem for me when I block out my feelings and have an agenda. In the past, I have tried to make myself indispensible so he would see how much he NEEDS me in his life. No more, though.

    It seems like RR describes a relationship as a dance where the man must lead. I’ve been doing couples dancing so I can practice feeling led. And I have found that now I am able to follow beautifully, where I haven’t been able to do that earlier in my life. Here’s the intersting thing…as I’m getting more comfortable with my partner, I have found that I can make suggestions nonverbally that influences what we do. It’s like an “invitation”. Also, in swing, your partner will sometimes hold your hand up so you can sort of solo. I’m finding out that dancing couples style is much more of a give and take than I thought. Interesting.



  26.  #26Honey on November 9, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    Everything in life is about BALANCE!



  27.  #27Mercedes on November 9, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    I just got a text from J that said: “I wanna kiss u when i c u”…

    I said: “Totally go for it!”

    And I’ll let that happen. Looks like all my leaning forward doesn’t stifle his…it encourages it maybe…but doesn’t stop it.

    However, I don’t OVER function…never have…so it’s different.

    I do flirt though. And I start that flirting sometimes…

    And he likes it…

    And I hope that some of you ladies…some of you who have good strong men who you’ve overfunctioned for in the past and who are upset because you are leaning back can find a balance that feels good to you…one where you can lean forward a bit without expectations and without hopes for a certain outcome and you can encourage your men to understand and learn from the new way you are…and appreciate it…and love it…and give you space to come back a little to what you were and to do some of those things he loves so much.

    I hope that for anyone confused about what to do with men who don’t instantly open up to or understand leaning back…you find your answers here…

    And Honey…thank you. I see what you’re saying. I’m not opposed to leaning back or leaning forward a little. My question is more about what the guys are feeling and thinking and if there is anyway we, as women who are new to leaning back, can balance the two so that they don’t get hurt or angry or quite so confused. I’m just wondering if there is that balance. I think there must be.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  28.  #28Brenda on November 9, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Balance:

    Bill actually came over to my desk for some candy! He talked with me about relationships a little for the first time!

    I couldn’t believe it! I thot I would have scared him away for a week! I told him the recent basics about Ryan and showed him a pic.

    wow! Wow!



  29.  #29life_is_too_short_to... on November 9, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Over- functioning, over- leaning forward, and let’s not forget…. over-thinking 😉

    (i get to say that because i am many times guilty of it myself)

    I really like how Rori in 4 recommends her programs and tools to become a philosophy, lifestyle, way of life, cult or a prescription.

    Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans –John Lennon (rock star free spirit extraordinaire, along with his wife Yoko Ono)



  30.  #30life_is_too_short_to... on November 9, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    sorry, that is NOT to become a philosophy, cult, etc.



  31.  #31Brenda on November 9, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    Oh, I love being off-balance! My hormones are running me today! I loved it when Bill closed the door of my office when he came in! He was laughing about all my mischievousness!

    Ladies, I mean I more than leaned forward!! I threatened to cum over and give him a big smooch on the cheek! I told him I had sex with a gay man in my past! He said, “What!” LOLOLOLOL!

    One thing he said, which I think he meant about him, is some guys are too shy to initiate. He said, “I think as many women initiate as men do.”

    Whew, what a fun interaction with Bill! I don’t even know if I dare to post it! It was out of the park! I think I will, but it will be hard to understand, because a lot of what he “said” was with emoticons, like a running man, a “grrr” face, etc.



  32.  #32Brenda on November 9, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    WAAAAYYYY TOOOO OPEEEEEEN!

    3:25 PMBrenda
    Why is Mark so teasible?? It’s virtually impossible for me to resist! You’re teasible, too!
    3:26 PMBill
    I don’t know why
    3:28 PMBrenda
    I had just played with him by untying his shoe, as I usta do to my Dad all the time. He griped and somewhat perturbed went to the bathroom, telling me there is a Je*wish law that you hafta wash your hands after touching your shoe. I laughed and teased him, threatening to do it again. I just wrote to him, “You’re so teasible, so it makes it hard to resist. Would it horrify you if I told you I am bleeding like a crime scene? LOL!”
    It’s cuz he gets easily irked!
    3:29 PMBill
    yep
    3:29 PMBrenda
    Oh yer no fun. Now I’ll hafta tease you.
    3:29 PMBill
    sigh
    must be not so exciting over there today
    ohhhhh tooo much sugar
    3:30 PMBrenda
    Well it’s not, and you’re right. I need some fresh blood to tease. LOL.
    3:30 PMBill
    sale you said
    3:30 PMBrenda
    Yep, too much sugar.
    Yep $1.25 for 11 oz bags of reeses and paydays…you are welcome to have some
    3:30 PMBill
    sigh – sigh – i just had apple something bread over here
    3:31 PMBrenda
    Tempted to tease Bill.
    You scared of me?
    3:32 PMBill
    im scared…yep …trembling over here…
    3:32 PMBrenda
    LOL Watch out. You may think you could whup me, but you really don’t know…
    3:33 PMBill
    well – if you make me chase you far enough you might tire me out and i might drop of heat exhaustion….
    3:33 PMBrenda
    I have a bad habit of chasing boys.
    3:33 PMBill
    or if you jump out of a plane ahead of me my parachute might not open and I migh fall to the ground in a lump….
    or ….
    3:34 PMBrenda
    …instead of letting them initiate
    3:35 PMBill
    or i might be standing in front of mack truck going 90 mph when you put up your dukes and it might hit me and flatten me
    these are all ways you could wup me
    3:35 PMBrenda
    Now yer scared. I see you running away. Now it’s time to put up my dukes…will you be my pretend boyfriend?
    3:36 PMBill
    3:36 PMBrenda
    Scaredy cat!
    3:36 PMBill
    yep
    3:36 PMBrenda
    Not even pretend?
    3:36 PMBill
    ……… =>
    3:36 PMBrenda
    LOL
    Now Brenda won’t see Bill’s face for a week!
    I like you too much, scaredy cat!
    3:37 PMBill
    3:37 PMBrenda
    LOLOLOLOL
    3:37 PMBill
    i like the running man –
    3:37 PMBrenda
    Want me to pretend I don’t like boys?
    3:38 PMBill
    3:38 PMBrenda
    I could pretend I am gay and you and I could be best of friends!
    3:38 PMBill
    only if you have cats
    3:38 PMBrenda
    I now have 4
    3:38 PMBill
    ok then
    3:38 PMBrenda
    I kept two of my kittens. Counting you, that makes 5
    3:38 PMBill
    oh – sounds like the brenda farm is growing
    dogs eat kitties yet?
    3:39 PMBrenda
    I will end up getting evicted when my landlady discovers them! I hide them when I’m gone!
    It’s weird. The dogs like cats. They just don’t like other dogs.
    They cuddle and play together.
    I had sex with a gay man once
    3:40 PMBill
    what!
    3:40 PMBrenda
    Bill:
    3:40 PMBill
    better find a home for those cats then…no good to get evicted
    3:41 PMBrenda
    See how you are? Changing the subject. I know, I’m a piece of work.
    3:41 PMBill
    ok – eat more sugar sugar
    3:42 PMBrenda
    Why do I let you get away with this scaredy cat stuff?
    3:42 PMBill
    3:42 PMBrenda
    I’m being bad. Blame it on the crime scene
    Bill hates Brenda
    Bill’s 2/3 of the way home
    I don’t know when to shut up! Fools rush in…
    Fire brenda
    3:47 PMBill
    3:48 PMBrenda
    Watch out! Now I’m running over to give you a big smooch on the cheek!!
    LOLOLOL!

    I feel very embarrassed but too mischievous to care…a lil anxious too. Bad Bren
    3:59 PMBill
    very embarased? why – i just had to work on a capa that someone in GMP is bugging me about
    3:59 PMBrenda
    Because it’s too much fun to tease you…make you squirm
    And I shouldn’t
    4:00 PMBill
    4:00 PMBrenda
    Bill popping out of the gift box
    4:00 PMBill
    Bill paid for poping out of a gift box
    4:01 PMBrenda
    LOL!
    Bill
    i need sugar
    going to find some
    4:02 PMBrenda
    Some here, sugar!
    LOL



  33.  #33Brenda on November 9, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    And THAT, my friends, is Brenda after a day of walking on eggshells with Ryan!



  34.  #34Mercedes on November 9, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    Brenda: This man is gay right? And did this conversation happen over IM at work or was it on the phone? I’m only suggesting you might be making a friend uncomfortable by talking about his sex life on company property. I know it would make me uncomfortable. He seems like a really nice guy, but when a man changes the subject or makes a smiley face instead of responding or does anything else to indicate we are making them uncomfortable, it helps so much to evolve the relationship (be that a romantic one or a friendship such as the one you have with Bill) and make it better if we pay attention to those signs and those feelings of concern they are having and we adjust to meet their needs based on how they are feeling.

    I know it’s not a comfortable concept here, but men do have feelings and if you’re talking to one who’s giving you signs that he’s feeling uncomfortable, it is good to heed those feelings and adjust. Plus, as a gay man, he might be VERY uncomfortable flirting with a woman. I know I’m a straight woman and I would be very uncomfortable flirting with anyone other than a straight man.

    Does that make sense?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  35.  #35Mercedes on November 9, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Daria: If you come back to tell me why you’re feeling pist at me, don’t think I’m ignoring you. I only have about another hour online and then I’m going home to get that kiss. I probably won’t be back on the internet again until tomorrow but I’ll respond then.

    Much Love (and feeling less pist),
    Mercedes



  36.  #36Daria on November 9, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    Mercedes – no I felt pist because I felt unheard and unacknowledged about the posts I wrote clarifying the energy situation, and because I saw Tori not being heard as the whole post Is answering Lisa s question. However, my saying I feel pist is not so much about you as a person but rather me babystepping to noticing my ferlings of anger and frustration when I feel unheard. I’ve been practicing at this and it may be coming out ” rough” right now until I get more used to it. Not meaning to express my thoughts judgements but instead go to the feeling which was blah and pist.



  37.  #37Daria on November 9, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    Mercedes & Brenda – rori dies teach that when a man isn’t leading… Smily face is a indication … Then we don’t ” push”. Or lead. Thus we don’t gave to ” guess ” at his feelings… But the effect is similar … Just that were focused on u’s and how the energy feels. Same idea, slightly different focus frame. This also helps u’s notice when the energy feels uncomfortae when were leaning back… It’s just ‘noticing the energy’. Instead of noticing his feelings, because we Don’t know. He may not know, etc



  38.  #38Mercedes on November 9, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Daria: Thank you for the clarification. I think the “I feel pist at Mercedes” is why I took it as targeted to me. I was feeling pist AT YOU…but it was in direct response to that as well as the fact that almost everytime I come back to this blog I end up making you (or causing you to…or something like that) feel that way and it pist me off…a lot. Usually I just feel annoyed by it and brush it off…PMS allowed me to take that a touch further this time.

    I wasn’t addressing your comments because they were explaining to me the difference between leaning forward with an agenda and leaning forward without one. I already know that difference and was just curious if someone who knows the difference but who is leaning back because they tend to overfunction, can start adding back in a little of the leaning forward so the men don’t feel so hurt, angry, confused, whatever. At what point do we take into consideration that the man might just miss some of those things we did out of love because we, ourselves, have to lean so far back that we can figure out what was being done out of love and what was being done with an agenda.

    That doesn’t make sense but I don’t know how to say it better.

    As far as Rori answering Lisa’s question…I agree…she did that. But then she also said she wanted to turn MY question into a post so I thought I would clarify it a bit by explaining more and asking more questions. If she takes a question of mine and turns it into a post, I would like it best if she truly understands my question so I can get the most benefit from it.

    Does that make sense?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  39.  #39Simply Shannon on November 9, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    First – imagine a fabulous man is standing right in front of you, smiling at you.
    Imagine having no agenda, no plan, no action in mind. Imagine just being there.

    Here’s what it feels like for me:

    I feel his eyes watching me.
    I can feel my smile creeping onto my face and the butterflies in my stomach.
    I feel beautiful and wanted.
    Oh. I feel fear.
    What does he want?
    Is he going to come over here?
    What would I say?
    What should I do?
    Fear, fear, fear.
    Stop.
    Okay, I feel curious.
    He’s just a boy.
    A really cute boy looking at me.
    My face feels flushed.
    My smile is back.
    I feel excited.
    What’s next?
    How long do I stand here?
    I feel uncomfortable with the silence.
    I want to say hi. I’m begging him with my eyes to say hi first.
    I feel really uncomfortable with the silence but I will outgirl him.
    Ok, now I feel mad. Is he mute?
    Talk mister.
    Relax. Sigh.
    I feel open. What would you like to give me?

    Hehe. This is vaguely how I felt with my CD Friday, when he was trying to decide if he was going to kiss me. I felt charmed at his indecision and his obvious desire and conflict within himself. And then he kissed me and time stopped. Sweetness.



  40.  #40Mercedes on November 9, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    Daria: RE #37. I do notice J’s feelings though. He’s human…he has them and they, just like mine, range from happiness to joy to jealousy to anger to sadness to pain to contentment to love…and everything in between…and I notice…and he loves that I notice.

    I notice his feelings not just where I’m concerned either. He had a very, very sick daughter last year and he couldn’t be with her while she was going through it…I noticed his feelings and I cared for those feelings and it brought us even closer together than we already had been.

    There’s nothing wrong with noticing the energy…that’s important…but men have feelings too and if we have one we are connected to on a level that allows us to feel their feelings with them…then we should. Really, really important that we do…or we won’t be bringing them closer and closer in love…it’s very, very intimate and it takes a very, very intimate relationship to have that, but if it’s there…I believe with all my heart it should be nurtured.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  41.  #41Simply Shannon on November 9, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    Oh and I wanted to kiss him. It would have been so easy to just lean in and kiss him. But I waited. I just stood there smiling waiting for him to decide what he wanted to do. I wanted him to kiss me but I wasn’t about to push it. This is HUGE for me. I waited. I leaned back. No agenda. No plan. You show me the plan mister. Until then, I’m just standing here. More than willing to kiss you, very open to it, but not taking the reins.

    And even after the kiss, I wanted him to kiss me again, to kiss me harder, but I didn’t lean in again. And he didn’t kiss me again. I felt kind of bad for like two seconds but mostly I felt good and turned on (surprised). If I had gone in for the kisses, I would have wondered if he really wanted to kiss me. And that would have diminished the loveliness of the kiss. Purr. Instead I felt this desire and it’s still there. So glad I leaned back.



  42.  #42Rachel on November 9, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    SS … that feels beautiful to read. I am excited for the opportunity to practice a similar leaning back and let him show me the plan! Thank you for sharing 😉



  43.  #43Lucy on November 9, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    “I just leaned forward with Bill and all but kissed and made love to him! LOLOLOLOL! And I don’t care!”

    Brenda, LOL!!! 😀



  44.  #44Kathy on November 9, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    Here’s what comes in as feelings and pictures to me when I imagine having no “plan”…

    I feel like it’s all gonna fall apart if I don’t hold everything together
    I feel afraid
    I feel sad
    I feel wrong, like I made a bad mistake
    I’m feeling resentful toward myself
    I feel some of the weight lifting off
    I let off a big sigh
    What if it doesn’t matter what happens next, because I screwed things up beyond repair anyway?
    I feel silly taking all of this so seriously
    I’m afraid he won’t like me anymore
    I don’t like myself when I’m like this
    I wish I could just let it go and focus on something else, and not feel so concerned all the time
    I feel bad for screwing things up
    I’m afraid of dropping the ball
    I feel like we’ll never get anywhere if I don’t have a plan
    I feel sad and scared, like it’s never gonna get better
    I don’t like the way I am, I want to be different
    I want to feel like a siren
    Then I remember he loves me even though I screw up from time to time, and that screwing up doesn’t have to mean I’m permanently unlovable and unworthy
    I remember I love the people I love even if they make mistakes



  45.  #45Lucy on November 9, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    Ack, I feel so disappointed! Fb college guy was talking about how fun it would be to go to the Quidditch World Cup in NYC this weekend…and it sounded like he was getting ready to ask me to go…

    but then he said, “Well if i wasn’t broke till Monday id suggest we drive to NYC to watch the festivities, but unfortunately i can’t. These kids spend all my money. Are you still up for getting together one of these days? weekday or weekend? (I will play hooky if you’d prefer). Have a good night Luna green eyes.”

    I feel deflated. 🙁 It would have been such a fun adventure!!! (And it woulda helped take my mind off the other thing…)

    I feel happy and tickled and “gotten” that he calls me “Luna” (that’s the second time he did), because he sees that I have the same kind of spirit she does. That feels really good.

    Still disappointed though….



  46.  #46Honey on November 9, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    SS #41

    Woo Hoo! OH YES! SO hard to lean back for me in the kissing department, too. Had to lean back with my CD on the weekend and wait for him. Just a few gentle kisses…but I could feel my engine reving. Vrrrrrooooom! But I leaned back. Good, Honey, good!

    I’m experimenting with holding back on my Magical Nuclear Powered Kisses a bit. Oh I like kissing so much, but I want to see how I feel slowing things down a bit.

    The same CD asked me if I wanted to do a three day weekend in Vegas with spa treatments, shows, and the works. I got to practice my feelings statement. Yea!

    I wrote…

    “This would be a great idea if we were at the point where we were in a serious committed relationship. I feel kind of uncomfortable being invited for a weekend trip when we are just getting to know each other.

    What do you think?”

    His response…

    “Yes, I definately appreciate your feelings and I agree with you too.
    I liked the idea of what Las Vegas can offer, of all the activities, dinner, shows, and dancing.
    Ideas to plan the day for us to do.
    I’m excited to have the time to spend with you on your Birthday.
    Will talk soon, ”

    AND

    He tried to call me too but I missed the call. No message, so I did not call him back…of course. 🙂

    Oh I like the feelings messages. I like paying attention to what I’m feeling without judging the guy. I would have stated this so differently before.

    Thank you everyone for sharing your feelings messages. The more I see them, and practice, the easier they are. Plus, in order to make a feelings statement, I have to stop and attend to my feelings first and discover what they are. I usually push my feelings aside, so this is magic for me. 🙂

    Yea Me!



  47.  #47Daria on November 9, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    Mercedes – it sounds like your kiss is just a spontaneous expression … Which is a bot different from my joking with dad. I can tell because I’ve Bern practicing stopping myself when the urge to say something comes up… And noticing it’s anxiety I’m feeling… I would check the same in your situation ( stopping and seeing how I’m feeling). If I notice I’m feeling good and this is an expression of that, them it is feminine



  48.  #48Honey on November 9, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    Special thanks to DARIA, O Mighty Priestess of the Feelings Message! lol You could probably come up with them in your SLEEP! All your examples help so much.



  49.  #49Honey on November 9, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    Brenda –

    “…and I don’t care.” Yea for not caring once in awhile!



  50.  #50Daria on November 9, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    Mercedes – what you’re noticing is energy. Not his ferlings.

    Feelings are how each of u’s experience energy. So while I may notice an energy that feels a certain way to me, a manight say he’s feeling it differently ( if he says how he feels)

    Sometimes for example I’ll think a man is mad , but he says no not mad. This is cause he is experiencing the energy through his filters. He may be unaware of what it feels.

    Energy is sensed, but the exact experience of it is personal and we can’t ever know how someone else is experiencing it, only guess according to our own projections.

    Sensing the energy, however, is an important skill.



  51.  #51Daria on November 9, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    Yay honey for noticing feelings – and yes I do use them in my sleep. I live this way. It rocks!



  52.  #52Lucy on November 9, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    Being a good girl and doing Rori’s exercise…

    Here’s what comes in as feelings and pictures to me when I imagine having no “plan”…

    I feel free

    I feel like I can fly

    I feel like I might freefall and it would feel exhilarating and scary at the same time

    I notice the stars, the sound of the sea, the coolness of the air

    I feel overflowing with joy and peace

    I feel at rest in the silence

    I feel one with the world

    I feel excited about what might happen

    I feel scared that I might panic

    …………

    imagine a fabulous man is standing right in front of you, smiling at you.

    Imagine having no agenda, no plan, no action in mind. Imagine just being there.

    I feel thrilled

    I feel desire

    I feel content

    I feel joy looking at his face

    I feel wonder at the beauty of the moment

    I feel wanted

    I feel beautiful and free

    I feel like listening to him

    I feel radiant

    I feel shy



  53.  #53Simply Shannon on November 9, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    Honey, LOL on holding back your nuclear powered kisses! I did too! Normally I’m all in when it comes to kissing but this time I let him kiss me. I just kept my mouth open and he kissed me the way he wanted to. It was by sheer willpower alone that I did not put my tongue in his mouth. I let him set the pass for our kiss even. Delish!

    The really interesting part is that when he stopped all he could say was “mercy” (and kind of grunting – lol!) over and over again. And I wasn’t kissing him really! He will lose his mind once he gives me the go-ahead for more thorough kissing. LOL!



  54.  #54Simply Shannon on November 9, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    Carla, I have the same question about teeth. It’s come up for me with the last three guys I’ve dated. (So weird that someone else mentioned this when I literally just wrote about this a few days ago.)

    I feel slightly repulsed and turned off.
    And then I feel embarrassed and bad for feeling turned off. For goodness sake, it’s just teeth! But it does lessen the sex appeal for me.

    Not sure how to share that with a man. That’s completely putting the “blame” on him. Nothing I can do to fix that for myself other than not seeing him.

    Anyone know how to share this one?



  55.  #55Honey on November 9, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    Lucy –

    I like what you wrote. I can relate to your feelings.

    I have never been without a “plan” in my life! The unknown feels strange.



  56.  #56Honey on November 9, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    SS –

    Yeah, it’s funny. My CD gave me these sweet, tame little kisses, and said, “Wow. You really are a good kisser.” I just smiled and thought, “Baby, you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

    I have to admit, I was rather resistent to RR’s idea of letting every man kiss you unless you are repulsed. I’m finding I’m attracted to more guys than I ever thought I would be. Plus it spreads some of that sexual energy around so I don’t go crazy! lol



  57.  #57Kathy on November 9, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    …Maybe I do have the right to feel good even though I screw up from time to time?
    Maybe having a plan and having an agenda doesn’t make it better anyway
    I feel some relief, like maybe it isn’t so bad after all
    I feel curious, where will the current take me?
    I’m feeling mildly hopeful that maybe he will step up the plate
    I want to try something different
    I feel proud of myself for being willing to try something different for once
    I’m feeling tired of the whole thing and I want to move on and focus on something else
    I feel a clench in my heart
    I feel like I’ll never have what I want
    I feel sad, I feel afraid, I don’t want to feel sad and afraid forever
    I’m tired of being so dependent
    I need to stop always having the big picture in mind, and I need to focus on what’s happening moment to moment
    I’m feeling so sad, that I’m thinking maybe a good option would be to try new feelings on for size
    It feels good to imagine doing that and maybe having new interesting realizations
    I don’t want to dwell on the sad feelings forever
    I want to believe that I can have a happier life
    I want to do something that feels good, now, I’m tired of all the over-analyzing
    I’M SICK AND TIRED OF TRYING TO FIGURE THINGS OUT
    I do want to give up “trying to figure things out” for good, I do!
    I want to feel like a queen
    I want to take care of the lonely little girl inside
    I need to feel strong for her
    I need to feel good so that I caan help others
    So that I can do something meaningful with my life
    I’m so sick of being dependent on a man
    I’m so sick of all the old worry and pain
    I’ve been wallowing in it for so long, this is getting old!
    I feel angry at myself, and him
    I want to feel just like when you wake up and can’t remember anything yet about what’s happening at the moment in your life and how you’re supposed to feel…
    I want to feel free and like I have options
    I feel silly
    I feel bigger, like there’s more to life then this
    I’m looking forward to ballet class tomorrow
    I want to feel so good about myself that I’ll never have to doubt again if a man will want to be with me
    I want to be ok no matter what
    I feel ok letting go of the agenda
    I want to have fun, and feel good in the moment
    It’s ok to screw up
    I want to feel good
    I’m tired of being so hard on myself!
    I deserve to forgive myself
    I forgive him for not submitting to being/doing all I want him to be/do
    I want him to be free, too
    I don’t want it all to feel staged and unnatural
    I want things to flow naturally, and believe that it’ll be ok anyway
    I want to believe that I’ll be ok
    I’m breathing a biiig sigh and feeling more weight coming off
    Now I forget from time to time what I was so worried about, and I feel good about that, even if it’s just for a second
    I don’t want to have a plan, I want him to lead
    I want to do what feels good to me
    I want to live accordingly to my values
    I want to value myself
    I’m smiling again
    I feel like I have worth again
    I don’t need him to validate him
    I love him
    I love me
    We can be free to be ourselves
    I feel my shoulders going back and my head lifting
    I feel inspired
    I feel like I can handle myself and take care of myself
    I feel proud
    I feel ok
    I want to focus on what feels good
    I feel like I can handle the situation
    I feel like doing something else 🙂



  58.  #58Honey on November 9, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    Regarding teeth. I had the same question several weeks ago. I kept going out with the bad teeth guy ( a different CD), and now I hardly notice it because I’m focused on all the things I like about him. I actually think he’s really sexy now! Go figure!

    Oy Vay…I have 3 guys in regular rotation. Thank goodness 2 of them are super busy and travel for their businesses. Otherwise I’d never juggle it. Got about 3 others that I’m not sure if they will stay in rotation. Week before last I had 5 dates in 1 week…waaaaay too many. I need time for my kids and work and other things, too.



  59.  #59RTCathy on November 9, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    I feel so uncherished now, had a fabulous weekend with BMW man and I needed to lean back a bit as things are becoming a bit onesided. Feels like he is really angry about it. He wanted me with him all the time and gets annoyed if I dont fit in with his plans. He was so non commital on the phone tonight, when I wouldnt go to Rugby with him cos I am going shopping with the girls, he just started answering me with questions – like – is it? do you? So I tried to say goodnight cos the call didnt feel good. He says ohh this is a short call!
    Then he has started to comment on my leaning back by saying he needs me to make plans sometimes etc, he is getting bored doing all the work, so I said I might surprise him by turning up one day, he then seemed to expect me to do this immediately, I said it didnt seem like a surprise if I did it straight away! I replied to his text saying I had been invited out to a wine bar (new singles club I was curious about – didnt tell him that bit though) but it would feel good to talk later. He ignored me for a while and then text me that he would be out really late so i couldnt talk to him until tomorrow. It feels controlling so why do I feel like I want to asuage him????? Argggghhh! just to get things back on an even keel???
    He sent me an email saying he isnt sure how he feels about me now (after telling me a few days ago he was in love with me). he doesnt want me to see other guys but he has a few girls he is friends with.. This man is a roller coaster ride, sometimes fabulous sometimes a nightmare and I am feeling all of it and I dont want to feel the bad, unloved, unhappy manipulated bits!!!! I dont want him to have such a hold over me. It seems we will be through if I cd, but I feel like I want to stay with him… I also think he is losing interest in me and that feels very bad. I am doing nothing, leaning back but not prepared for all these feelings.



  60.  #60Renee on November 9, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    I’ve been reading some of Rori’s past blog posts on dating and ran across this comment in her post entitled “Strategies DO NOT WORK With Men”:

    “The moment a man “gets” (and they’re much swifter about this than we think) – that we’re “into him,” he loses attraction for us.”

    This seems very sad to me…the implication here is that even if a guy is professing his love to you and you merely reciprocate his feelings, he will automatically lose his sense of attraction towards you. Can that possibly be true? Are all relationships that move to the “I love you” stage doomed? I’m very confused…



  61.  #61Lucy on November 9, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    Renee, I feel kinda puzzled about that too. The only thing I can say is that I have seen many many situations where it did not happen that way — that the guy loved it when he realized she was as into him as he was her — and the attraction actually got stronger as a result.

    Maybe Rori is talking about when the girl is way more into him than he feels toward her — that it’s way off-balance — and that pushes him away…?



  62.  #62tinque on November 9, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Renee – I think what Rori is saying is that when a woman is “into” a man, she’s meaning when a woman gets all clingy and needy, her energy being all over him, smothering him.
    If a man is truly into you, loves you even, he will be delighted if you are into him too. He will be thrilled if you love him.
    But he won’t it if you start over functioning. He won’t like it if you stop your life for him. He won’t like it if you neglect yourself. He will hate it if you start fawning all over him.
    Make better sense?
    xxoo



  63.  #63Daria on November 9, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    Renee – i felt triggered about that when I was beginning practicing tools also

    it means that, in an energetic way… if we shift the focus OFF of OURSELVES… and to him… he will not feel attracted.

    We must keep the focus on ourselves, so that he feels safe to be attracted, to love us.

    Focusing on loving outside of ourselves is masculine

    So we CAN feel love for a man, but it’s a feminine love of appreciation, trust, and admiration… because we’re open and because he’s giving love to us

    if instead we’re focused on giving him love, thinking about him, etc… we’re shutting down the openess in us… and he can’t be attracted to us shut down



  64.  #64tinque on November 9, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    Another thing, love is NOT doomed. It can grow stronger, more intimate, better, more exciting, more passionate, mote intimate with time. I’m living proof.
    xxoo



  65.  #65Nikita on November 9, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    Renee,

    that’s what Cd’ing while married is for-I think; keeping US into OURselves…..

    maybe “into” is not clear enough- I think Rori is saying that when we are INTO as in LEADING and being ASSERTIVE, VEILED PUSHINESS, SO INTO HIM that we “strategize” and lose our integrity because we stop responding from a place of full authenticity….
    I remember that post….. and I felt my head nodding when I read it…..it clicked for me-
    to me this looks like—-driving to his job and barging into his office (because we were “in the neighborhood”) and sitting in his lap during a very important meeting—for HOURS…..or buying bridal magazines and “accidentally’ (read*purposely) leaving them at his house so he can “imagine” what a beautiful bride we’d make…..

    Men are dim sometimes…but they aren’t stupid-they have “hunches” and “gut instincts” too…..the same way we have womanly “intuition”…..

    I think that’s what Rori means…..

    being a siren is about being “into me” 🙂



  66.  #66lm on November 9, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    hey ladies!

    OMG. This post is a reply to an email i sent a while ago. i didn’t get it at the time…i was like ‘i am warm! i am open!’….however…i think i was harbouring a lot of resentment towards him and was SO ANGRY myself at some stuff he did. but i couldn’t communicate it to him in ‘wants’ and ‘feels’ at the time. i think i was actually scared of him leaving and didn’t want to rock the boat.

    we broke up, i started circular dating and then he decided he loved me, that i was THE ONE and that he would deal with his anger and other issues. anger is his way of dealing with hurt, and he found me cold when i leaned back. i didn’t realise i was at the time. i was trying very hard not seem angry and desperate and needy because of a bunch of bad stuff that had happened. i think i had an agenda…to punish him because i was mad.

    once i actually ended it, worked on my anger towards him with EFT (he was my mirror…yikes!), he fell hard hard hard again for me. he’s talking about babies, marriage, buying me a condo. he’s going to therapy and couples therapy with me because i told him i ‘didn’t want a relationship with him until he works on his issues, but that i love him and i know he can work things out.’ we are sort of dating now, but my options are wide open and it feels amazing.

    and to answer mercedes, he told me after the dust had settled that, yes, when i leaned back he missed hearing from me during the day. he wanted to know ‘what cute things i was up to’. he wanted to be the person who knew the most about me and to whom i was the most open. and because i was mad at him about various things…i wasn’t. i was withholding myself, not just leaning back.

    but i don’t know where we’re at now. all i know is that i feel much much much better. i can lean forward and text or something and i don’t feel awful like i did before because i’m not totally obsessed!

    xo



  67.  #67Daria on November 9, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    Carla and Simply Shannon – I had this teeth thing come up once. This guy had a bunch of missing teeth

    I held it in and one night on the phone i burst out “what happend to your teeth?”

    he told me it was a car accident, and when he gets the money together he’s planning to get them fixed…

    what a relief!

    I also had a similar issue one night first meeting when a guy had bad breath… i just said.. hmm.. i think you need a mint… hehe

    he said.. oh really.. sorry ill come prepared next time

    i felt so glad i was able to say something.

    Now i would try…

    i really like you… and i feel kinda weird but i feel kinda unattracted to your teeth… and i dont want that to be an issue to hold me back because I am really feeling you outside of this… what do you think?



  68.  #68Denise on November 9, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    I think the implication is what is confusing you, Renee! If a man professes his love, of course, you can reciprocate! Just don’t over do, over think, over function. Be open. Be ready. Be available.



  69.  #69Daria on November 9, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    “A lot of women send me e-mails telling me how much they appreciate my insights about men. What I’ve
    never told any of them, until now, is how I actually learned these secrets. While I did become educated,
    got my license, and worked in clinical settings to learn what makes relationships successful, the real
    secret about men was given to me by a few rare women who seemed to effortlessly know how to cast a spell
    over men. Most were clients, some were friends, but all of them possessed what so many of my clients
    wanted – the secret ingredient that men found captivating.

    Of all the traits I have observed, the characteristic that these women had in common was the belief
    that what men want and what men say they want are often 2 different things. These women actually knew
    what men liked better than the men did themselves! ”

    Bob Grant



  70.  #70lm on November 9, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    also, since i have been keeping my options open a guy i know randomly asked me to marry him and a bunch of guys at work are just drawn to me like crazy.



  71.  #71Denise on November 9, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    I think it is really rude to comment on someone’s looks or bad teeth, in a negative way at the beginning, and surely it would hurt their feelings. Put yourself in their shoes! I would not say I feel unattracted to their teeth. Ouch! I think you have to wait to see if there are feelings brewing before approaching the subject in a tactful way. I too, have felt this way, but once I knew someone more comfortably, I would open up, maybe talk about the bleaching I had done to my teeth first. If someone wants to share, they will at that point. An ex of mine got braces at age 48! Anything is possible, with treatments so readily available now. What do you think?



  72.  #72RTCathy on November 9, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    I so worry that I have a denture and i feel anxious that men will know when they kiss me and it will put them off me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have an immune dysfunction – nothing I can do but it worries the hell out of me.



  73.  #73Nikita on November 9, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    Im,

    omg- yay!!!!!!

    “…….once i actually ended it, worked on my anger towards him with EFT (he was my mirror…yikes!), he fell hard hard hard again for me. he’s talking about babies, marriage, buying me a condo.”…….

    I loooooooooove testimonials 😀



  74.  #74Denise on November 9, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    Im- you mention withholding vs. leaning back.

    There is the line- and it is so easy to blur the definition, depending on our moment, our mood.

    Sometimes I withhold, making him come forward. It has screwed me up! He thinks I just want some distance.

    The other day, a dear friend reminded me not to stand on principles- in other words, we have to give too! They notice when we intentionally hold back.

    You must be putting out those pheromones- and siren ways to get the great attention you so deserve!



  75.  #75Denise on November 9, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    Nikita, you crack me up with the leaving behind of the Brides Magazines! Way Too Funny- did you really do that???



  76.  #76Denise on November 9, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    RTC- do you think someone would know about it while kissing you? Has anyone said so in the past?



  77.  #77Denise on November 9, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    Bob Grant is assuming that most men know what they want! Hard to believe!



  78.  #78Nikita on November 9, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    HA! Denise

    I have NEVER even purchased a bride mag…but I went to a man’s house and I noticed a bridal mag….I asked him about it and he said his ex left it..(she bought a few and left them around-lol……
    ..I almost fell over laughing-

    I felt horrified, after he said he never proposed to her either….. that is being tooooo into a man- IMO 😉

    just being creative for our sireny blog members~



  79.  #79Laughing Goddess on November 9, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    I feel doubtful.

    My understanding is that Rori says not to use “you” in feeling messages.

    I could say “I feel angry. What is this anger all about? Am I neglecting myself? Am I looking for approval from others? Do I have an agenda?

    And it’s clear that I am taking responsibility for myself and my feelings and doing therapy work.

    When I say “I’m mad at you (or a specific person)”, that’s more like blame. If you weren’t doing this then I wouldn’t feel mad.

    Not so much like therapy and compassionate communication, more like manipulating a tool for purposes other than what Rori intends when she recommends that we use them.



  80.  #80RTCathy on November 9, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    # 76 Denise – I hope they wouldnt notice – but I worry if they to get a bit passionate (the tongues thing) !! NOBODY sees me without my denture so they wouldnt know otherwise. Actually, BMW man has never said anything about it, so I suppose that helps my conifdence a bit. Thank you for helping me to put it in perspective.



  81.  #81Denise on November 9, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    That poor ex- she needs RR programs so desperately!!! Glad you clarified N- that was so not you!! Gosh, gets me thinking, who would do that?? Psycho bridezilla!



  82.  #82Daria on November 9, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    Lughing Goddess – I’ve seen instances where Rori has said… to use “i feel mad at you”



  83.  #83Daria on November 9, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    To me, it’s not blaming… it’s sharing my feeling of anger at that person.

    different than saying YOU MADE me mad.

    no, it is who feel mad… AT you

    hehe



  84.  #84Laughing Goddess on November 9, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    Sharing Feelings: Information or Attack?
    By Dr. Margaret Paul
    December 31, 2006

    When you share your feelings with a person you are upset with, what happens? Discover when it is helpful to share your feelings, and when it is controlling.
    “I’m angry with you.”
    “I’m feeling really hurt by what you said to me.”
    “I’m so disappointed in you.”
    “I’m feeling really irritated with you.”

    How often have you said these things to others? And how do they generally respond?

    Do they get defensive?
    Do they get angry?
    Do they withdraw?
    Do they lecture or explain things to you, trying to talk you out of your feelings?
    Do they become people pleasers, trying to fix your feelings?
    Are they open and curious?

    Most likely, they will respond with some form of protective, defensive behavior, because they probably feel attacked.

    Why would they feel attacked by your expression of feelings?

    When someone has done something that is upsetting to you, the question to ask yourself when you are sharing your feelings with that person is, “What is my intent in sharing my feelings with this person?”

    There are two possible answers to this question:

    I am sharing my feelings to give information.
    I am sharing my feelings to blame the person for causing my feelings.
    If you were sharing your feelings to give information, you might say, “I’m feeling angry with you, so I’m going out for a walk and try to deal with it.”

    If you were taking responsibility for your own feelings, you may not say anything about your feelings to the other person. You would go inside and explore what you are telling yourself that is causing you to feel angry, hurt, disappointed, or irritated. You might share information, such as, “I’m feeling stressed, so I’m going to take a bath.”

    But if you just say, “I’m angry with you,” or “You hurt my feelings,” then you are not taking responsibility for your feelings – you are dumping your feelings on the other person, and he or she will feel blamed.

    “But he did make me angry!” you might be thinking. “She did hurt my feelings.” “He did disappoint me.” Behind these statements lies a major false belief – the belief that others cause your feelings.

    It is not what another person says or does that causes your upsets, but your expectations and what you tell yourself about another’s behavior that causes your painful feelings. If you expected a birthday gift and didn’t get one, you will feel disappointed, but it is your expectation that caused the disappointment. If someone ignores you or rejects you, what do you tell yourself? Do you tell yourself that you are not good enough, not lovable enough? This is what will hurt you or make you feel angry. You will feel hurt and angry when you allow yourself to take others’ behavior personally. If you then blame them for your feelings, you are being a victim rather than taking responsibility for having taken their behavior personally.

    Others will likely feel manipulated, blamed and controlled when you make a statement such as “I’m angry with you,” or “I’m feeling hurt by what you said.” If the other person says “That’s your problem,” or responds with anger, defensiveness, or withdrawal, and then you respond with “I’m just sharing my feelings,” the interaction can get really convoluted.

    Next time you share your feelings and the other person gets angry, defensive, or withdrawn, take a moment to investigate your own intention. The chances are you are covertly blaming the other person for your feelings. Once you discover that this is what you are doing, disengage from the interaction and do an Inner Bonding process to explore how you might be causing your own feelings. What are you telling yourself and how are you treating yourself that is causing your upsetting feelings?

    You will discover that your interactions with others greatly improve when you stop being a victim by blaming others for your feelings and start to take responsibility for your own feelings through your Inner Bonding practice.

     



  85.  #85Daria on November 9, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    Denise – Bob Grant is saying that men DON’T know what they want, and that the successful women know what men want Better than men themselves.



  86.  #86Laughing Goddess on November 9, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    Looks like Margaret Paul doesn’t mind using the word “you”. The way she explains this really resonates with me.



  87.  #87Daria on November 9, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    Margaret Paul rocks but this instance I don’t quite agree with her on the i feel mad at you part.

    It’s not necessarily sharing it to blame. and i Didn’t mean YOU MADE me mad.

    I meant I feel anger, directed towards this person, or when I think of this person, in this situation, etc.

    I feel angry hearing that

    I feel angry at you

    I feel angry

    **

    i agree with the rest of the article besides the “I feel mad at XYZ” part



  88.  #88Daria on November 9, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    I guess this was a specific case becaues a reply of “that’s your problem” is correct. It absolutely is my problem that I feel angry at XYZ



  89.  #89Daria on November 9, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    Denise – I don’t think it’s rude to say I find something unattractive in particular, while finding the rest of them attractive. EXACTLY because people Can do something about it, like the guy who got braces at 48.

    I think its important to share how i feel, including feeling turned off by something.



  90.  #90lm on November 9, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    i think, like leaning back, ‘controlling’ (in the paul article) is about intention.

    her whole scene is ‘am i in an intent to love myself and others or am i in an intent to control?’ am i trying to get someone to change or to do the most loving thing for me and standing up for myself?



  91.  #91Daria on November 9, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    I feel mad at everyone who questions my assertions! BLAH!

    I Do feel mad

    (this is my “issue/trigger”)

    hehe

    rargh

    this is very cool

    i am acknowledging this anger that i usually wouldn’t

    i wonder how my life is gonna change as this is obviously healing?

    Thank you Angels!



  92.  #92lm on November 9, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    nikita 73:

    yeah, as soon as i started to change everything else did. it was amazing. i did some really uncool stuff that made me feel bad when i was angry, but i think it was part of my process. i sort of laugh at how crazy i felt when things were bad. and circular dating makes men CRAZY. my ex heard i was dating a new guy and boom: ‘i love you. i don’t want anyone else.’ done. (for him, at least)

    i don’t know what’s going to happen with him because he has some real issues to work out, but i know i will be fabulous, no matter what. i can feel it.



  93.  #93Lucy on November 9, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    91 Daria, I think it’s cool too 🙂



  94.  #94Lucy on November 9, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    I feel anxiety, nervousness, when I think about TN man and J coming to visit.

    I don’t like that I feel that. I would rather feel completely comfortable.

    It keeps reminding me of how I used to feel when I sang solos. I always felt nervous and a LOT of anxiety thinking about performing. All the way up to the minute I picked up the mic and started singing. I also felt nervous while singing, but good at the same time. And I ALWAYS was glad I had done it when it was over. However, that anxiety is the reason I don’t do solos anymore. It’s just not worth it to me. I do hope that will change at some point and that it will feel worth it to me again, because now I don’t have that particular happy feeling and sense of satisfaction that it brought.

    I feel curious about the connection my mind is making between these two things.

    I don’t want to feel anxiety.



  95.  #95Denise on November 9, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    Daria, to a sensitive guy of which I have known many, they will be so put off by this kind of Unattractive Teeth comment. It seems as rude to me as a guy who would say to you: “I like blondes, and am not attracted to brunettes, so Daria, can you dye your hair for me?”

    Bob Grant is more in touch with men than I thought! LOL! I totally agree. Most do not have a clue about hopes and dreams. As cerebral as some may be, I have seen many not think about the future whatsoever, until just like Im’s BF, they fear they are loosing their honey!



  96.  #96Katarina Phang on November 9, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    #3 Mercedes:

    My philosophy is if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

    If it’s not an issue you being affectionate and he’s responding well to that, then you’re doing the right thing.

    I am affectionate too and I think most guys understand that about us that we need lots of touches, kisses, hugs, cuddles and they love them -to a degree of course.

    In fact out-of-the-blue kisses and touches like that are very warm and cementing greater connection between you two.

    If he doesn’t respond well (becoming grouchy) then you need to lean back and do it less.



  97.  #97Dorothea on November 9, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    Sirens,
    I fell back into the trap of leaning forward and getting hysterical and complaining. i feel worthless right now. i feel turned off at both my man AND me.
    i couldn’t bear to think that if he didn’t call me tonight (5 days) that I would feel even more upset. i didn’t want to deal with that potential pain so i texted him about how i felt about him not calling all this time, he called, he apologized, and…i freaked out. But what if i had leaned back until he called me? would my feelings have been any different then? probably not. would it have hurt more? Well, i am hurting pretty bad right now after leaning forward to try to stop more hurt from happening later. i feel disappointed in myself. i feel ashamed. but i can also see places where i made baby steps so i am really excited about that.

    i keep saying this but really this all boils down to not having other men as cd’s in my life. that is the root of the difference between saying how you’re feeling and saying how you’re feeling while being totally hysterical. too much focus on one man.

    but it’s not enough for me to just move my focus from 1 single man. I am not good at just willing it to be that way. I need dates! getting a fair number of interested man vibes off of random men i meet on the street and also giving out my number when asked after talking to them, but no one is calling me. i would love it if some were at least calling:D

    Want some dates over here!! I love me some men!! holla!!! haha



  98.  #98Denise on November 9, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    Dr. Paul’s article strikes a chord with me! This w/e on Saturday, I experienced watching my elder dog have an unfortunate accident; don’t worry, there was a happy ending. I won’t go into the sad details, but my expectations got in the way with me blaming my BF Perfect Man, who happened to disappear when I needed him to watch over the little furry one. In essence, I was feeling exasperated and triggered, and really, I was not taking full responsibility, and it kept haunting me all day. The whole victim game was exhausting! Perfect Man took me to the beach that cool afternoon, and we walked on the pier, and the boardwalk, and I finally felt ok. Then the sea air started to zen me out. So Saturday night was spent at home with take out and a silly movie- just what was necessary to recharge.



  99.  #99Laughing Goddess on November 9, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    For those concerned about teeth, I just came across this article by Rori. 🙂

    He’s overweight. He doesn’t eat right. His hygiene isn’t perfect. His teeth could use a cleaning. His skin could use some cleanser and over-the-counter-acne-formulation. His breath needs help. What do you do? How do you tell him without making him feel bad?

    When I read this letter from Andie, I realized what a problem this can be: Here we are, trying to break our old patterns of being attracted to a man just because of the way he looks, and giving a really good man a chance to grow on us, and, Yes, his charm and devotion DOES win us over…but he could still use a little (maybe even a lot) of help to make him more attractive to us on the physical level.

    The truth is, what do you do when he needs an “extreme makeover”?

    Here’s Andie’s letter:

    “Hi Rori,
    I just want to know what I can do about a guy who has too much facial hair that I do not like – also bad skin. We started dating a month ago, I was never much attracted to him but his charm won me and he is besotted by me.

    Looks-wise, though, he is not all there. If he could just get his facial hair (very thick mono brows, beard ) groomed, and his skin cleared up, he’d be fine. We look so odd together that people are surprised – they don’t know what I see in him!

    What can I do? I tried to hint but he was very abrupt and I knew I’d better not say anything. Unfortunately, each time I look at him I think if only he took care of his face. Please can you tell me what I could do? Many thanks, Andie”

    Here’s my answer: Okay – we ALL want to change our man. We want to build on his “potential” and “make him over” – because there’s always something we don’t like about him. And what we have to know is that we can’t. We can’t make him over for life.

    Andie’s man will always not care about his appearance. He may clean himself up for Andie, if she asks in the right way, but what will happen 5 years from now if they marry? Is she going to hound him into getting his hair groomed and keeping his skin clear with a simple, over-the-counter acne formulation? For life? In order for that to happen, he’d pretty much need to sign an agreement. And the problem here is – Andie doesn’t really want him “as is.” And all men want to be wanted “as is.” (We do, too!)

    So Andie’s choices are these:

    1. Don’t mention it, and love him the way he is (which she can’t do, as she makes clear in her letter).

    2. Don’t mention it and resent him for the rest of their lives together.

    3. Talk to him about it and see if there’s a solution they can negotiate together.

    4. Break up with him because the whole issue of his looks is a dealbreaker.

    Number 3 is not so easy, because it requires his cooperation. But in my book, it’s the only place to go. The only thing is, Andie needs to know that even if she gets some satisfactory solution in the negotiation – it may not last forever. And then what? Then she needs to know how she feels about option #4.

    So, Andie – first figure out if you want to break up with him if he can’t turn himself around. Look – if his looks bother you, then they bother you. I’ve had women tell me about hygiene issues – no brushing of teeth, no bathing – and to me, I just couldn’t handle that. It would be a dealbreaker. So, you need to know if his looks, if they never change, would be a dealbreaker for you.

    Next, write up some ways to talk to him. Here’s a starter for you:

    Serious relationship and marriage requires being able to talk to each other – about anything. Anything that has to do with the way you FEEL about him. And in this case, Andie’s man is about to lose her just because he doesn’t know exactly what she wants him to do, and so he feels she doesn’t approve of HIM.

    Your conversation could go like this:

    “Honey, I have something on my mind, I feel very awkward bringing this up, and yet I know I have to – is this a good moment to talk?”

    If he agrees to listen, then you say, “You know that you’ve completely won me over. I’m totally charmed by you and your devotion to me, I love you madly, and it feels incredible being with you. I think you’re the greatest guy ever, and I have a serious concern, where we may not be compatible, and I want to know what you think, and if we can come up with a solution. There’s something that’s really important to me, and it’s not so important to you, so I guess I’m just going to have to ask if it’s something you can make important to you just because it’s important to me, and that’s about the way you take care of the way you look.

    “I want you to know it’s not the way you look, I love the way you look, but I don’t like the way you take care of your looks. So I’d like to make it clear exactly what I’d like you to do for me. This is what I want…” And you hold up the number of a Salon for men you’ve researched and found. “I want this really good salon for men to do your hair, your beard, and your eyebrows, too. Will you go for me? Here’s the card of the place I found.”

    He grumbles, but he says “Okay.” Or “I’ll think about it.”

    You say, “And I got you this bottle of Pro-Active (or your drugstore’s brand of acne solution) for your acne. I know lots of men who use it and it works. I think it’s important that I look my best and most attractive for you – and I’m open to hearing anything you’d like me to do that would make things more wonderful for you – and I’d like to feel free to ask you for the same thing.

    “You are so lovely, and I care for you so much, I want us to be able to talk about anything. I’d feel incredible if you’d do these things for me. Actually, I feel amazing just because you heard me.”

    And then you leave the Pro-Active on the bathroom counter, you leave the number for the men’s salon right under it, and you don’t mention it again.

    You treat him as if he’s made the appointment and using the acne cleanser. You love him even more for listening to you

    If he doesn’t do it, then you need to talk again, and this time, you might have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker, or if you can handle having this discussion over and over and over again as long as you’re together. But start here.

    Let me know how this works.

    Love, Rori



  100.  #100Luzy on November 9, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    I am glad that this has been explained because this leaning back thing was confusing me.

    In other words don’t do, say, or act in a way just to expect a result from a man or manipulate the outcome of the relationship.

    I get it 🙂



  101.  #101Honey on November 9, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    “He’s overweight. He doesn’t eat right. His hygiene isn’t perfect. His teeth could use a cleaning. His skin could use some cleanser and over-the-counter-acne-formulation. His breath needs help. What do you do? How do you tell him without making him feel bad?”

    And I’m dating him because…?



  102.  #102lm on November 9, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    denise 74:

    thanks!!



  103.  #103Laughing Goddess on November 9, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    Honey: the answer is in the second paragraph.

    “When I read this letter from Andie, I realized what a problem this can be: Here we are, trying to break our old patterns of being attracted to a man just because of the way he looks, and giving a really good man a chance to grow on us, and, Yes, his charm and devotion DOES win us over…but he could still use a little (maybe even a lot) of help to make him more attractive to us on the physical level.”



  104.  #104Luzy on November 9, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    Also about leaning back enough to let a guy in worked for me today. Talking to a new guy who works closed to my job. He called me at lunch time and I was just so relaxed talking and listening It felt so good to just be myself and letting the conversation flow.

    Later he send me a nice text that said…
    “you sound like a woman that a real man can be with”
    That felt good 🙂



  105.  #105Laughing Goddess on November 9, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    Whew! I just got vortexed in Rori’s past articles. I feel inspired. I feel wowed by how much info she shares.



  106.  #106Dorothea on November 9, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    LG, Rori shares lots of great information free of charge. Isn’t it wonderful? Her heart is definitely in the right place for women everywhere.



  107.  #107Simply Shannon on November 9, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    Hmmm… teeth thing observation. I feel kind of bad NOT saying anything and becoming increasingly turned off. So instead of me saying I feel weird about your teeth, I’ll just stop talking to him because I feel turned off. So with the guy who likes blondes versus brunettes, they just stop calling. And I guess if it’s a deal breaker then it’s better that way? I dunno. What if nobody ever told this guy he needs to have his teeth fixed?

    With my CD Friday, his imperfect teeth weren’t anything I noticed until he was just about to kiss me. Of course now that I’ve noticed them, I doubt I’ll be able to NOT notice them. We’ll see. I feel amused. Just an observation.



  108.  #108Laughing Goddess on November 9, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    My beloved said something today that melted my heart.

    He knows about the blog a bit just because he see me reading it often. He is starting to get into the idea of masculine/feminine energy. He just got his first David Deida book.

    Well, today we were talking about marriage, dating, exclusivity in concept, not about us personally. But then he said “babe, if you ever start to feel upset that I haven’t proposed to you yet, please let me know and don’t just up and leave me because I’m absolutely certain I want to be with you forever”

    and I felt so sweet and melty hearing that and also a little concerned. I feel worried that I’ve given him mixed signals. I’ve told him that I’m not really interested in getting legally married ever. At other times I’ve told him that I would like to have some kind of marriage ceremony…a magical type of ceremony out in nature. And other times i’ve told him I wouldn’t want a man to propose to me until I’ve had a chance
    to really get to know him and see if we are compatible.

    Ahhhhhh Im judging myself for talking too much.

    I feel good though because it seems like he’s trying to not pressure me or rush me but also wants me to know that he does intend to make that commitment when and if I’m ready.

    Ooooooo I feel nervous about commitment. I feel nervous. I feel so nervous.

    What am I scared of? I’m scared of losing my freedom. This feels good. This feels like something to work on.

    I’m open to feedback anyone may have.



  109.  #109Katarina Phang on November 9, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    About what most guys don’t know what they want, it’s true and Evan says that too on his blog. Men when they first meet and date us don’t know if they want a relationship (with you or anyone) until they feel something really right about being with you.

    Hence, do NOT assume anything about a guy. Ask him (that’s what my husband always says and he’s right in saying so because it’s very frustrating when you are being assumed of something you are not -as just what happened to me on the other thread). Assuming things is living in your head -and many of us do- and is very detrimental to the relationship. It causes men to withdraw and the relationship not progressing to the next level.

    So to think that he’s not the right guy because a right guy won’t do such and such 2 weeks into dating him -while discounting other rights things he does- is assuming too much and you’re projecting your own fear and insecurity.

    The reason guys don’t feel safe with dating is because a lot of women put the carriage before the horse. They get needy, clingy and demanding very fast (smothering the men’s boundaries) not taking into account how the guys might feel about the whole thing.

    Sure we want what we want and we shouldn’t settle, but there are ways to approach it -ways that are detrimental and ways that are conducive.

    Being in the moment and create a memorable experience while being together and let the relationship go through a natural progression is way better than rushing to giving him the talk because you assume baseless things about him. Worse still you are throwing away an otherwise good/decent man whose only fault is he doesn’t fit your agenda/assumption of what a right man should be/do.

    He might or might not be the right man in the end, but it’s hard to establish that when you don’t take the chance or give him the benefit of the doubt.



  110.  #110Sweetpea on November 9, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    LG – lol! I know that panicky feeling. Wish I knew what to tell you. I’ve done lots and lots of soul-searching figuring that one out. I’ve gotten to the point now where I want to be married & I trust with the right guy, the right time, I’ll know it and it won’t be an issue.

    For me, my parents stayed married, but seemed so unhappy to me. I’ve got issues around that. I’m dealing with them. I know that Rori says (and I believe she is right) that it’s the trigger we have to heal – we don’t have to know the why of it. In this case, it helped me a lot to go back and find why it was a trigger for me and explore some of my feelings around that.

    The real reason I wanted to post though, is to thank you for posting the article by Dr Paul. I’ve been using LOTS of feeling messages lately and feeling like a nag. The last few days I’ve made a real effort to focus on positive things. And I find that it has turned my feelings around hugely. I feel happier and not so negative and I’m not leaning forward to tell people I’m unhappy with them. The main reason I decided to take this approach is because Rori says to use short, easy, lovely, soft messages and stay away from anything serious while you’re (I’m) learning feeling messages. And the article just put a sharp point on why it is that I was feeling so bad about my feeling messages. Even though I was really trying to be non-blaming, it did all boil down to my expectations. So thanks!



  111.  #111Laughing Goddess on November 9, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Honey and all:

    Oh yes, I feel Rori’s love and support for women. It feels so good. 🙂 I feel the same vibe from you Honey!

    about the teeth thing… when I first met LI, I felt weirded out about his teeth. They’re not really bad but something about them just weirded me out. I even told my friend, “he’s not really hot but he is. He’s kinda ugly hot”. I normally like the pretty boy types and he’s not a pretty boy.

    But then, after being treated so well by him, I found myself becoming very attracted to him. And now I look at him and think “wow! He’s so hot!”. I don’t know why I couldn’t see it at first. Maybe just because he wasn’t my type. But that’s not even true because he actually is. He looks so much like several of my past boyfriends and kinda like my dad too. That feels a little weird but also normal. I hear it’s pretty common to end up with a man that somewhat resembles our fathers.

    Haha I digress 🙂

    I think that’s what Rori is saying tho is when we let a good man in, even if we aren’t physically attracted, as we experience them treating us well, we become attracted.

    And it feels so weird that I wasn’t attracted at first because I can see that LI is a good looking guy. I can see that lots of women are attracted to him. One friend told me “he has good genes” meaning he is strong and healthy and well proportioned. I don’t know why I couldn’t see it at first. I’m glad I finally did tho 🙂



  112.  #112Laughing Goddess on November 9, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Sweetpea: your welcome! I feel great hearing that the article helped someone. I’ve found myself using feeling messages in a way that actually pushes people away rather than draws them in too. It felt like a revelation when I read that article too. Here’s another one from Rori along the same lines.

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/vulnerability/self-respect-or-protection-which-is-it/

    The commitment thing, it’s funny but I am actually feeling more open to marriage now than ever. Well not really marriage but the idea of being with one man for a really really long time. And that feels good. Baby steps 🙂

    nice to connect with you! 🙂



  113.  #113Daria on November 9, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    LG – i feel so excited about your marriage exploration babysteps!



  114.  #114Daria on November 9, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    “He’s overweight. He doesn’t eat right. His hygiene isn’t perfect. His teeth could use a cleaning. His skin could use some cleanser and over-the-counter-acne-formulation. His breath needs help. What do you do? How do you tell him without making him feel bad?”

    And I’m dating him because…?

    Because he treats me really well and I feel wonderful about myself around him… maybe…



  115.  #115Nicole on November 9, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    Rori and ladies,

    Hearing all about this leaning forward and pulling back, I want to give you guys a specific example of something I am dealing with.

    Long story short, I have been talking with this guy for a little over 2 months now. We completely hit it off and things are still going pretty well. Within the first couple of weeks he wanted to move very fast and make me his girlfriend, saying he has never felt like this about anyone, introduced me to the family and all. I thought it was too soon, so I declined the girlfriend status, but we continued to see each other and grow closer and more intimate.

    Of course, like clockwork, he started slightly pulling away after 3-4 weeks (at this point I was completely leaning forward). Not in the way where we weren’t talking on certain days, but enough for me to notice a change.

    Now, I have been wanting to bring up a conversation with him regarding what we were (aka leaning forward). Are we exclusive? Does he want a girlfriend? Where does he see us going? etc. The reason why I thought it would be a good idea is b/c he may be waiting for me, since he was the one who pursued us in the beginning (but I could be very wrong). Plus, I am a one-man woman and would feel relieved to hear from him that we are completely exclusive.
    On the other hand, Rori has suggested in a lot of her articles that when a guy withdraws, to give him his space, don’t do too much and focus on yourself.
    I am not sure which path to take. Do I clear the air and tell him what is on my mind? Or do I take the chance and sit back and wait till he is ready to pursue me?

    I appreciate any advice.

    Marie



  116.  #116Brenda on November 9, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    Mercedes,

    RE: #34 – It was totally, utterly inappropriate! And I love it! I was throwing all the rules out the window today! I am so bad, and I love my badness!



  117.  #117Daria on November 9, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    i feel icky and unsafe reading brenda’s message… i feel sad and disappointed in how things are playing out at this point



  118.  #118Daria on November 9, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    i feel sad about some other shit with men too
    ugh



  119.  #119Brenda on November 9, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    Teeth Issues:

    Kenny has dentures. Is that a characteristic I was looking for in a man? NO! Did it matter? NO! It was so insignificant once I got to know the man inside.

    He had been in a bad car accident and his face went in the windshield. It wasn’t anything he could help. In the grand scheme of things, I found it so trite. It didn’t even affect our kissing. Kissing is a mouth thing, a tongue and lip thing, not a teeth thing. I don’t prefer it, but it really didn’t bother me.



  120.  #120Brenda on November 9, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    I was just experimenting and having fun! It felt good to let my hair down and just be me for a change! And Bill and I had fun! Sometimes leaning forward is more fun than leaning back! Lotsa fun! Been smiling all evening! And laughing! I leaned forward with a high-feminine-energy man who is not boyfriend material. We had fun. No harm done!

    Once again, I don’t feel accepted to be me on here. Reminds me of some churches I’ve been to. Either you conform and fit into a mold or you get ostracized. I don’t go to those churches any more. I go to ones that have freedom in the Spirit.



  121.  #121Brenda on November 9, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    Daria,

    Working thru a trigger here….

    I hear the proper church voices in my head saying, “Oh! Horrors! Don’t do THAT! That isn’t PROPER! You said WHAT??? WE don’t do THAT!” turning their heads away from the nasty black sheep that somehow dirtied their perfect flock.

    I feel like screaming when anyone tries to put the clamps on me! “Don’t do that! Naughty girl! You should know better!” Deep intake of breath. “You are such a horrible person!”

    Leave me the hell alone I say to all the control freaks.



  122.  #122Lucy on November 9, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    I feel curious about daria’s feelings.



  123.  #123Sweetpea on November 9, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    LG – Apparently you’re my “Messenger” tonight. Lol! Ok. Not in that sense, you’re not triggering me, but you’re leading me to things I need to read right now. That post was exactly what I needed. And, I had started adding, “this is my issue. I’ll get through it,” in my feeling messages. I did feel quite a bit better when I looked at it from that perspective and felt a lot less blaming.

    Thank you!!!

    Funny thing, I’ve had a lot less to use feeling messages about the last couple days. Cool.

    The post also made me think of my boss who I’m having huge anger issues with right now. I had already decided that I want to work through the triggers with him, too, so I don’t have a distorted fighting mirror image in my next opportunity of receiving money. Yeah. I’m not looking for a job…looking to use my gifts and accept the bounty of the universe in so doing. Anyway…a lot of it applies to that situation as well.



  124.  #124Brenda on November 9, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    More trigger working thru:

    I get a compassionate pat on the shoulder for being lonely, but no one cares. But when they accidentally discover a couple months later that I am living with a man?? You horrible person! You know better!

    Well I told you I was lonely! Where were you when I was reaching out?? Now you want to condemn me when I found companionship?

    No, no, we must put on our proper church faces. Don’t be real! Don’t let anyone know you have any needs! Glue on that smile! Oh yes that’s much better! Pretend you have it all together! Feeelinngsss??? You have feelings??? Don’t you DARE show your feelings! This is not a place for feelings! God forbid that anyone have feelings!!

    If everything looks like it is in place, then it is in place! Let’s play pretend! Oh, we are such good people! Yes, now you are playing by the rules! Now you are accepted! What a good girl! Oh, isn’t she so sweet? What a nice girl!

    F*uck you! What the hell do you want me to do with this lava erupting inside??? Pretend it’s not there?? Yeah right!

    It’s a sad testimony to the church that I found acceptance in prisons.

    But then I remind myself there is no perfect church and no perfect person, just Je*sus. So I take the meat and leave the bones.



  125.  #125Lucy on November 9, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    i am reading ppl’s comments on jonathan’s fb question “what type of man are you attracted to?” and i feel very surprised. i had thought *I* was picky! now i feel like i’m Not!



  126.  #126Katarina Phang on November 9, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    When a man is guarded, especially when he’s been recently burned through a divorce for example, you projecting your own subjective ideal onto him won’t help him relax his guard.

    His being cautious is a normal reaction especially in the beginning and shouldn’t be construed as “it’s him…he won’t change. He’s not my type.”

    It’s throwing the baby with the bath water.

    Taking things slow is good for both parties. Taking time apart from each other to process things is healthy. That’s the time for leaning back for women without even trying too hard.

    When he feels safe, he will come forward more often. He won’t feel safe unless you let him be.

    I know SG loves me and all the good stuff but he’s also protective of his fort -his boundaries and independence- and I respect that. I let him decide what feels comfortable to him as far as our courtship goes while asserting my own needs of what feeling comfortable means to me personally.

    He’s not a calling type, I don’t assume anything about it. I just accept it. It’s just not his thing and he said he wasn’t good at talking on the phone but he would try for me. That’s good enough. I don’t call him either as I don’t feel the need to. He gives me the attention I want in other ways.

    He’s not the type who talks about his days when we’re not together so I mirror it for the most part. I don’t assume it’s because he’s not interested in me or what I’m doing.

    So far, I talk his language (I “think like him” and don’t try to change him) and he feels safe and comes forward to me with his desire of spending time together. And I feel good about it too. It works for both of us.

    We haven’t had one single argument or moment of tension since we met. Of course things might change a bit once we’re in a full-blown relationship. But he said he’d seen all about him -if that’s true he’s really the easiest man on the planet. He said a few times he is a simple man and doesn’t need/require much. It really touches me when he says that. And I see it as true for the most part. He’s beautiful inside out. He is a great man who wasn’t matched to the women in his past relationships.

    That’s the magic of accepting a man for being a man that he is with all his vulnerabilities/issues/needs) and see through beneath the surface to really get him at his core. It’s the most giving thing a woman can do to a man. Once you can do that with a man, he will never want another woman in his life. He’s complete.



  127.  #127Brenda on November 9, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    I am attracted to a man who has deep understanding and acceptance and love.

    Everything else is details.



  128.  #128Sweetpea on November 9, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Hey Bren!

    I just typed in this whole long post to you and lost it.

    I feel good hearing about your convo with Bill. If he didn’t (and doesn’t) withdraw, I say “more power to ya.” Sounds like good practice for you.

    I hear ya on the church thing too.

    Feeling tired so off to catch some zzzzzs. Good night.



  129.  #129Brenda on November 9, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    Hey Sweetpea,

    Shoot, I sad you lost your post. I am enjoying myself today. For real, for real, I had a huge amount of pent-up tension/sexual energy from holding out this most recent 19 days wit no Ryan and then the text messaging was good, cuz he initiated it, but it was really anticlimatic and boring. I just was blowing off steam today. Really just a huge amount of feelings and energy inside of me. Feel like I’ve been holding my breath for 19 days.



  130.  #130Jacqueline on November 9, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    Hi, everyone – I have a work issue and am thinking of a feeling message. Honey – or anyone who has any great advice?

    I drug tested a week ago – and accepted an offer to manage a smallish apt. complex. I went there last Tues and the leasing agent had a mechanic in there and just handed us a flyer – so I go back Friday and the leasing agent was hanging out with an ex employee – and so wouldn’t walk me up to the model! I had to ask for the key and go up myself.

    The guy fired the manager on Monday and told the leasing agent my name and she starts crying….knowing how badly she messed up.

    But I want and need someone who will show apts or it’s doomed from the start. So I ask the regional guy to interview another girl for me – and he says well I could have fired current girl on Friday if I’d of known, but she is on write up for disciplinary action….call me in the a.m. So I call, and leave a message and nothing….

    No start date, no new leasing agent. I don’t want to walk into being a failure!!!! big time!

    So, I was thinking of saying, “I feel kind of stood-up in accepting the job and still not getting the answers I need.”

    I actually turned down another offer – that was part time but good money – when he said he’d fired his manager.

    Anyway, if I can’t have another leasing agent, I don’t want to do this. And if I can’t have a boss who keeps me in the loop- at least after a WEEK and firing the other woman – I don’t wanna do it either.

    Anyone have any good advice? Gut feelings??

    cuz mine are going back and forth from cut and run?!!

    Thanks,

    Jacqueline



  131.  #131Honey on November 9, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    LG #111 –

    I get what you are saying…appearance is NOT on the top of my list. But personal hygiene really matters to me. I did a post about a guy I’m CDing awhile back cause he had these brownish stains on his front teeth. But his hygiene is excellent so I got over it.

    I just can’t deal with someone who is not clean. Yuk. If their hair needs a trim and is a little disheveled, ok. Maybe they have other redeeming qualities. But if their hair is dirty and oily. Ick.



  132.  #132Laughing Goddess on November 9, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    Oh my! I feel shaky. I feel overwhelmed. I feel triggered by an experience I just had cd-ing the world.

    I just went to the health food store. When I walked in there was this customer up at the registers and he was talking very loudly. My judgement of him was that he was drunk or crazy. As I was shopping I heard him talking about happiness and joy. I felt smiley. What he was saying felt very synchronistic to me. I felt like the universe was talking to me thru him indirectly…giving me a little confirmation about happiness and some things I’ve been pondering lately.

    As I was shopping, he came up to me and started talking. And even though he seemed a little crazy (my judgement) he was also saying all this really deep stuff. His words were profound but his delivery was way outside of what I’m used to.

    He was talking to me open being present in the moment and moving forward in life. It all felt really great until he started hitting on me.

    He invited me to hang out tonight and I told him I had plans. He kept pushing…talking about being in the moment. I told him “I’ve been very open to you but I’ve reach my threshold for the moment”. This made sense in the context that we were talking about being open to the moment and life.

    It was just such an awesome yet challenging experience. I felt so touched by what we were talking about yet I felt totally turned off by his general way of relating to other people. He was very loud and “in your face” kind of energy. The kind of person that people would label as crazy if they saw him on the street. But really he was just super expressive and animated and from a different culture than around here.

    Oh, I feel so shaky. That was really pushing my comfort zone. I feel weird.

    Oh ya, then when I walked to the car, he actually tried to get into my passenger side.

    I said “NO!” and he didn’t try again and we talked for a second longer and he left.

    I dunno. What’s the message?

    I stuck to my boundaries and that felt good. I stayed open and that felt good. I got some downloads from him and that felt good. Yet I still feel uncomfortable.



  133.  #133Laughing Goddess on November 9, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    Meant to say…

    He was talking to me ABOUT being, open being present in the moment and moving forward in life. It all felt really great until he started hitting on me.



  134.  #134Honey on November 9, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    LG –

    The message? Sometimes you have to talk to someone for awhile before you something is wrong with them.



  135.  #135Honey on November 9, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    LG –

    If he was normal, and all that in the moment and aware, he would have picked up on you wanting him to leave! Words and actions were not in sync.



  136.  #136Honey on November 9, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    LG –

    Honestly, he sounds kind of delusional in the clinical sense. Have you ever been around mentally ill people when they are having grandiose delusions? Not everything they say sounds crazy. They get these “epiphanies” and can sound quite reasonable…at first. These people are usually harmless, but if someone got in the car with me, play time would be over, Baby. Wow. I’m so glad you got him out and got home safe. Yikes.

    Maybe he isn’t mentally ill…but he sounds that way. Sounds like something my ex might say. He had a whole detailed theory about why God made the aliens…and we’re not talking immigration here. God gave him a special message. Oh, and he’s a descendant from the lineage of Christ.



  137.  #137Daria on November 9, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    that feels weird and judgemental

    i feel angry

    i dont want to hear people put down cuz they believe something different than the stuff most people are taught to believe

    maybe he was from the lineage of Christ

    angry feeling



  138.  #138Daria on November 9, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    my ex was skitzo and he talked to dead people and spirits

    and i LEARNED to talk to dead people and spirits from him

    that wasnt the problem

    crazy people are more open.. the craziness helps them that way



  139.  #139Laughing Goddess on November 9, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    Wow! As I reread my post about that guy, I realize how much I judge people. I judged him as crazy…yet he still had profound things to share.

    I also realize that expressing my boundaries can be challenging for me.

    Staying open yet expressing boundaries. Kind of what this post is about. Sort of.

    Ohhhh, thank you universe for this lesson. I feel awed and still a bit shaky.



  140.  #140Honey on November 9, 2010 at 10:07 pm

    Daria –

    No. There was no evidence of that whatsoever except in his mind. He also had a business that didn’t exist. He also thought my sister and everyone in the church was conspiring to take his house away from him. He also believed the terrorists were tapping his phone and targeting him. He thought he was writing a screen play for Disney Studios…but had no relationship with Disney at all. And the list goes on and on and on, He has SEVERE bipolar disorder. He is very ill, refuses meds, and has been unable to work for 9 years. He is on permanent disability for his psychiatric disorder.

    Sorry if that feels bad to you…but believe me, it doesn’t feel half as bad as it felt to me trying to raise 3 kids with disabilities on my own.



  141.  #141Laughing Goddess on November 9, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    He was definitely very open and channel some profound wisdom. He sounded like a spiritual teacher. But I felt very turned off by his presentation. I feel much more excited about someone who is sensitve to the energy of those around him. But I also feel respectful of a person who can be honest and direct. I feel challenged but also understanding that sometimes challenge is good. I, personally, want to be more sensitive to where people are at when I talk to them. Maybe that’s not his path. Maybe he feels good about the in your face thing. I don’t want to judge his path but I do want to respect my feelings and I felt uncomfortable as he1l.



  142.  #142Daria on November 9, 2010 at 10:17 pm

    this man said some corny ass ish

    hmm

    how do i feel

    i felt turned off

    hes talking about relationship romantic stuff

    hmm

    i dont know…

    i dont like that

    like

    Do something about it

    hmm

    ill sit here with it

    i smoked

    its all a trip now

    still like real life

    but smokelike movielike



  143.  #143Honey on November 9, 2010 at 10:17 pm

    OMG! I feel SO TRIGGERED!

    I am so pissed I don’t even know what to say.

    I have been through absolute HELL because of my husbands psychiatric crap. I can’t even START to tell you how much so because I could write volumes.

    Sorry, Daria, I don’t think my ex’s ex-fiance would agree with you either, as she now has a restraining order against him.

    Nor do I think my colleagues would agree with you. Paranoid delusions are scary. Try telling my kids that their dad is :more open” when he is talking out of his head. He writes volumes of books that make no sense at all

    Oh crap, I don’t want to even get into this. It has been years since I have felt this triggered over this. I thought I was over this.

    I feel like crying. I don’t want to hear this. I don’t want to feel invalidated for something I know to be true.

    I’m going to do some deep breathing, and remind myself that whatever other people think does not change what IS, and go to bed.



  144.  #144kdr on November 9, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    Jacqueline,

    If it were me, I wouldn’t use a “feeling” message. I would put on my masculine hat and be professional, confident and straightforward.

    This is business, not romance.



  145.  #145Meemee on November 9, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    Honey
    RE:22

    “But you cannot expect him to change. He already told you he doesn’t want to. I have held on forever even when i know I should let go because kept thinking, “What if…” Screw “What if…” – I’m now hanging onto “What IS”. ”
    I liked this. Precisely what I was doing, what if, what if, what if.
    And I should learn to take ‘no’ for an answer and learn to give ‘no’ as an answer.
    I am on my path of wisdom. I stumble down, I hesitate to take steps previously not taken, I fear the unknown. But I have already reached the point where staying stuck and falling back has become more horrible than the idea of moving out to face the unknown.
    Thanks a lot for your honest honest comment.
    Between I am 27 and I already associate pain as love 🙂 🙂 When people behave nice to be I get embarrassed because I associate other feelings with love. I think the damage is partly done. Undoing it will be a tremendous task

    I am in office now. He saw me when I was making tea. I did not look at him, no hi or hello, I made tea and went to my room. He came to my room, said “this is a lovely dress. You are looking really really pretty today”.
    I said “Thank You”. I did not look at him, I did not smile. He waited and waited and waited for me to say something more. I said nothing. I switched on my computer, answered a call, started working. I must tell you it was embarrassing. But he left after some time.

    Love
    Meemee



  146.  #146Jacqueline on November 9, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    Hi, KDR….thanks! I’ve been trying the business route – and I’m gettting nowhere. What do you think? Take the job, then terminate the girl (and have to deal with all that negativity) OR insist that he interview my prospect? Or just walk away from a manager whom I suspect I will not interact well with? I’m good with being goal oriented and self directed, but I’m not good with being not informed, and seeming inefficiency when they’re touting how much they want efficiency.

    any advise?

    Best,
    J



  147.  #147Daria on November 9, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    you know whats been crazy these past couple of weeks
    my phone is off

    so i can be reached text only

    and i have to call them!

    on my landline

    and im doing it feminine

    i say

    i

    ***

    omg i had the most awesomest conversation!

    beacause of….

    ME!

    **

    oooh

    i was so feminine

    it felt awesome

    to not impress

    but express

    and like

    shock this mans belief systems

    out of his shoes

    and lay back

    and not EXPLAIN

    anything

    but just express myself

    clearly

    DIDNT FEEL TRIGGERED AT ALL!!!!!!!

    didnt fall for any of the classic tests

    omg

    i just rocked his world!

    HES ALREADY TEXTING ME you souND SO SExy

    lol

    omg

    omg

    omg

    this is so awesome

    this is the kinda guy that is usally rudde to girls

    like the arrogant type

    you can tell hes NEVER met a girl like me

    ***

    HE GENUINELy wiht curiosity asked:

    so hows that going for you?

    (about the marriage thing – he was skeptical… he talked to himself about it… marriage? i mean its good to have preferences i mean…

    DARIA: SILENCE

    him: i mean yeah, i guess thats the way to do it

    DARIA: SILENCE

    him: i mean… so hows that working for you?

    Me: well hmm.. actually… it feels really great – excited voice..

    i mean… its not really totally my decision…

    i mean someone has to actually propose to me and have a plan

    (him: oh)

    but i mean

    i feel really happy

    and im stressfree

    and my life is going better

    and i am meeting lots of people

    and i feel good

    i know who im gonna eventually be with

    its gonna be someone who treats me well

    and.. i mean … its looking like its gonna happen

    i mean.. people like me

    and my life is getting better

    so honestly, like yeah… i really think i Am gonna get married and live good

    !!!

    wow i felt so good saying this… my ENERGY this whole conversation was in my pelvis.. plus my heartlight was on

    i did NOT go intoo my head

    even in that LONG expression

    about how i feel about marriage and my life and my wonderful relationship

    yes it was all expression

    i never got in the energy of EXPLAINING MYSELF

    i was COMPLETELY UNAPPOLOGETICALLY ME

    I DID NOT GO INTO ANY “IMPRESSING”

    HE loves me…

    he’s gonna think about me forever

    ive just CHANGED the way he looks at relationships

    forever

    WOW

    this si awesome…

    hes now texting dorky things

    like

    “yup its gud”

    to when i said Thank you =)

    cuz he said i sound so sexy

    – btw i did not Try to sound sexy –

    i sounded HAPPY

    yes!!!

    and

    i feel so good

    hehe

    ‘yup its gud”

    what a dork!!

    you dont say that when a girl says thank you for a compliment

    haha

    i think hes flustered

    super directive powerful man is flustered lolll

    hes all into me

    awWW

    this was great

    ***

    hes like

    ill come over there right now

    im like.. hm..

    i mean … no… im free anytime… but not last minute like tonite…

    hes like… oh yeah just whenever

    well call me when you want to hang out

    im like:

    hehe

    well

    id feel better to have you call me and make the plan

    SILENCE

    he’s like

    ok yeah i can do that

    u dont have a phone

    im like…

    yeah i got that itouch thingy

    ok well im gonna call you later tonite cuz i still wanna talk to you

    im like

    umm

    SILENCE

    ok hehe

    bye

    hes like bye

    I HANG UP.

    HAHA

    the weed smokiness really helped with the silences

    i felt calm, and able to USE silence to SPEAK

    it felt amazing



  148.  #148Honey on November 9, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    Meemee –

    I am getting calmer but I’m still upset so I’m going to sign off now. But I wanted to respond to you first.

    You did great. You did great saying “Thank you” without eye contact.

    Yes, it’s embarrassing and uncomfortable. But it feels that way to him, too. His strategy is to stand there until you are so uncomfortable that you finally talk to him. You didn’t do it so he left. You must not cave in first.

    Please keep a tally of the contacts per day. I want you to see the extinction burst when it comes so you will hang in there. Please know that this will get worse. What he tried today did not work, so he will try harder tomorrow. He will start with charm and whatever tactics have worked for him in the past. When those things don’t work, he may come at you with something entirely new before this over, like trying to make you feel guilty or like a bad person or something. Don’t buy in. Be prepared and recognize it when it comes. Do not take the bait. Do not have a discussion with him. Give him no attention. If you hang in there he will stop quickly, but not before the extinction burst where it will get worse. Expect it to get worse. And know that you can do this.

    Keep remembering that you deserve better than this. You deserve someone great and you will meet that man someday, so you need to move on so that can happen. You are learning a lot about yourself through all of this. You should be proud of yourself. There will be time to process more later, but first you must be safe. So keep on keeping on…



  149.  #149Daria on November 9, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    lol i now realize i left off to what i say to guys since i dont have a phone

    AND i accidentaly texted the WRONG guy “you think i should call right now?” hes probably SOOO EXCITED lol and i actually called the other guy

    wow

    ::

    ok this is my step by step script

    guy online;

    we should hook up

    me:

    hmm… that might feel nice…

    id feel better to talk to you first… im at 888 888
    text only… i can call you on my landline if it feels cool

    so he texts

    then im like

    well it would feel better to talk what od you think?

    (because they usually dont suggest me calling them which is a good move on their part, unless theyre Suave)

    so then he says

    yeah where cna i call you

    and im like

    i can call out on my landline

    what do you think?

    he sayd; yeah

    THEN!

    just to make myself feel SUPER comfortable (not for him, for ME)

    i say

    Do you think i should call right now?

    (cuz he never said when,, and id feel weird to just call, like ugh)

    an dhe says :

    yeah

    and im like

    ok

    ad then i call

    and i talk like they called me

    because ive pretty much just been feminie and expressed my preferences

    weird:

    i feel like i get a result yet the process is like

    me doing logistics but it doesnt Feel like logistics cuz its them pursuing the Conversation

    like tey are the ones initiating the texting the attention

    an im choosing the medium i feel most comfortable with to receive their attention

    hmm

    like i say no to skype sometimes if i dont fele like it

    hmm



  150.  #150Honey on November 9, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    #143

    I am ok. I am no longer triggered. I know what is true. I am strong. Everyone cannot know everything. But I know what I know.

    It’s funny how those triggers still come up from time to time. But I can get over it so much more quickly now. I have walked through fire and come out the other side so much stronger. I can validate myself now.

    I am growing in wisdom every day at that feels good.



  151.  #151Daria on November 9, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    theyre all like

    i want to see you so bad

    lol

    this is great

    hey ii just read up and i saw Honey writing about she feels upset

    i suddenly felt scared because im like

    i bet shes upset at me

    and then im like “fuck it”

    im just being myself and being clear with my feelings

    and i feel afraid too

    ught

    the mud

    of getting to the place
    of being real with the feelings in a clear compassionate way

    fuck it

    i can deal with feeling afraid of attacks

    i feel like im separating from my body

    i feel ready to fight

    all these bitches can try to put me in a corner but i can beat all these bitches ass

    for real

    wow this is a stranger trigger

    fu9ck all of yall

    for real

    fuc9k absolutely anybody that has a problem with Daria

    like ill fu9ck you up

    if u fu9ck iwth my bitch daria

    thats my bitch

    yall think i dont have her back

    cuz i never did
    but it was only cuz shes too nice and she was holding me back

    so fu9ck you

    and you and you

    fuc9k you ill say whatever the fu9ck i want

    cuz what you said fu9ckin felt like you were dissing MY ex boy9frined bithc and my daddy and the cd i have now

    and ME

    so fu9ck you

    and there

    now i feel fu9ck in stron
    g

    and powerful

    and i will not deny my standing up for myself side

    not for anyone
    ever

    fuc9k that

    i stand for me

    i REALLY don’t give a fu9ck

    i will not be slightly manipulated

    haha
    haha

    hahah

    i am super MAN

    bit9ch

    and i am more powerful than the ROCK

    i am fu9ckin steel titanioum BIT9cH

    and thats it

    I WILL stand up for myself

    and im doing it now

    I AM FREAKIN POWERFUL

    and I AM ON MY SIDE

    an dif my back feels geavey and scared

    and i feel afraid of you

    I FEEL ANG?RY

    i feel angry

    i feel angry

    i feel angry

    and i WILL defend myself

    thank you voice

    i am sorry for not listening to you before

    and i am now here for you

    and you can alwayst talk to me

    and i will do my best to hear you

    will you hlep me be more whole?

    yes

    thank you

    ***DISCLAIMER: none fo this riff is actually about the people mentioned… this is only stuff that triggered in ME and obviously went pretty intense SO… that in itself should make it pretty obvious that it can’t be about a lil comment here”

    and it is to me

    and why do i have to apologize discalim to theese bitc9hes

    i dono

    i dono why i would give disclaimers to other poeple

    do i care about them

    yes

    so

    what do i have to tell them that for

    cuz theyre afriad of my words?

    so what

    fu9ck them

    fuc9k them for not feeling my words

    fu9ck you

    fu9ck you

    oh yeah

    they can just not read

    HAHA

    ?HA

    HA

    I AM ON TOP OF THE WORLD…

    WITH ?YOU BAB?Y

    A?N ITS A PARTY TONITE

    HAAAAAAAAAAA

    i feel amazed at this voice of min

    i am super powerful

    and BAD!!!

    YEAH



  152.  #152Daria on November 9, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    I feel relieved Honey feels good

    i feel good too

    i feel ultra powerful

    i feel unapologetic for being me

    i feel fiinally able to validate myself too

    and i feel kinda like i realized that when i read that for her

    this trigger was a trip trigger

    i feel like exhausted in a good way

    mmm



  153.  #153Daria on November 9, 2010 at 11:07 pm

    im feeling weird in my chest i feel tight

    i feel afraid

    i feel like im getting smaller

    deflating from the giganto enormous size i was

    where i felt powerful and thrilled

    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMm

    i love powerful thrills

    i love how the MMMMMMMs look all lined up

    they look like MMMMen

    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

    i feel good sinky aerospace floateig



  154.  #154Daria on November 9, 2010 at 11:09 pm

    DRAMA QUEEN POWER

    GODDESS POWER

    QUEEN BITCH POWER

    yall cant see me!! I M THE QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE

    I ROLL WITH MY SCEPTERS

    THROUGH THE AVENUES OF GALAXIEZ

    I LAY THE SMAK DOWN

    ON BITCHES AND HOES

    ONLY THOSE

    THAT CAN SEE ME

    CAN BE ME

    I AM

    THE SUPOERPOWER

    SUPER DARIA SUPER QUEEN SUPER STAR



  155.  #155Kristine on November 9, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    LADIES!!! HEllo, so nice to hear this topic and even though I am not a regular I feel I can contribute a little of my own experience. This man I fell in love with whom I didn’t even know and still feel like I do not know enough. A lot has changed my life forever and I have to say I am greatful and will love him forever and wish him happiness wherever he goes. I had a lot of comittment issues and baggage with my ex and had not delt with it. I wasn;t even sure what love was. I fell for him hardcore and became controlling and convincing and clingy..all the wrong stuff. I smothered him because he was what I wanted. We both lied to eachother about some major things in our lives at the time. There are still a lot of answered questions but for me .. with a lil help from my support system (MSC people..wink..wink) I cut him off and left him a lone gave him space completely. I was very angry at first but used the time in the last 4 or 5 months to get myself and my heart in the right place, I focused on loving my children and most of all me!! I started a new job which I love making good money! and feel blessed more and more each day. The way I see it if M]me and this man cross paths once again and have a chance I would go for it because even with a clear mind I feel I know where he is coming from and am at a point I do not have to hold anything back from anyone to get their attention. I can just be me and be happy, the rest is in God’s hands. I have faith in me and I trust me now my perception is way more clear. I just suggest stop worrying so much on what to do if he thinks this or does that be you and be happy and let him love you, call you, show you your what he wants…If not him someone else will and you deserve it. We all deserve to be a goddess and he deserves to be a king but in order to be a king you have to accept the title, no convincing or asking.. he will tell you if and when he is ready!.. and in the meantime do you and be happy with being alone or circular dating! Live to Love but always Love to live your life to the fullest! Sorry just inspired in my life and wanted to share!! God BLess You Goddesses and remember your life is yours, endless possibilities is what makes it so amazing!!!



  156.  #156Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 12:21 am

    Jacq, you just have to tell them frankly you feel you can’t do the job properly unless certain requirements are being fulfilled. You gotta be ready to walk away though. So line up other job offers.

    Nicole, why did he pull away, if I may ask? Is it something you did? Maybe you’ve been showing too much interest (aka overfunctioning and smothering?).

    I don’t think now is a good time to have the talk. If he’s withdrawing, he’s obviously keeping a distance from you. Talking about exclusivity will only make him distance himself further.

    You just need to keep dating. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Even I’m not as wonderful as my relationship has been with SG right now. I do feel the fact that I’m very relaxed about this with him and letting him know that my dating profile is still on makes him come forward to me with more ease and confidence.

    When he’s ready he wants you all to himself, he will tell you. If he doesn’t (hasn’t yet), I think the winning strategy for a woman is to keep dating. He’ll get the message that if he wants more, he needs to step up to the plate.

    And guys do know deep down what we want, that way SG always talks about “waiting for the other foot to drop” because he can’t believe how good what he has with me right now.



  157.  #157Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 12:40 am

    And Nicole, I feel 2 months is early. Again, my statement exactly: women tend to get clingy, needy and demanding too fast as soon as the guy shows that he’s into us (then we become the chaser…and the faster he runs away from us. It’s a losing strategy). If the idea comes from him, it’s another matter.

    Why don’t you just spend as much fun, light and memorable time together without worrying about where the relationship is going, at least for now? It has worked wonderfully for me.

    Give it a chance to go through a natural progression before enforcing your expectations.

    If after 6 months nothing changes, then perhaps you can start thinking of bringing it up.

    You can talk about it in passing, though, without the “you must” tone the way I have made my desire be known to SG in more than a few occasions. That way you clarify what you want from the get-go and not giving him a false impression you’re okay dating non-exclusively or being a girlfriend forever.



  158.  #158Daria on November 10, 2010 at 12:48 am

    another call,, in the enrgy, felt good but felt tired the last 15 min… it was long

    hmm

    not so long maybe better next time

    feeing a bit tired of just having phone to ear

    other than that felt good

    HOW to do it:

    dont answer the questions. instead, keep silent and check pelvis and heart… keep silent… respond with hmm.. sound and tone indicating feeling… allow response to form out of feelings if decide to answer a question

    dont laugh at jokes unless spontaneous

    silence

    attention on heavy hips and pelvis… my sandbox sideways guitar shape

    my gravity filling it

    heartlight

    receiving how am i feeling as hes giving e these words

    silence

    express my energy

    not impress

    feel good!



  159.  #159Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 12:54 am

    Like today, I sent this email to him (following our email exchanges) and before anyone judging his jocular choice of words of “open marriage”, please understand, as much as we are in love with each other, we are taking things slow and are dating non-exclusively right now since we have just met like two months ago (at least we are open to each other about this):

    “Open marriage sounds icky to me. So just you know I’m not into an “animal farm” arrangement. 🙂 But I know you’re joking. (or ARE YOU!!??? LOL…)

    I’m a one-man-one-woman type at the end of the day….whenever that be. I’m a believer -a hopeless romantic/romantic fool- that committed relationship between two people who love, understand and
    respect each other can work (that doesn’t disqualify a threesome or gang bang though if they are so inclined…:) )

    On Tue Nov 09 12:58:57 CST 2010, xxxxx@gmail.com wrote:

    It’s a little late for M (his son) but there is no school the next day and he can sleep in.

    Yes, you need therapy and I have just what the doctor ordered … lots of sex!

    Not sure what I am going to tell these other mistresses that want to see me during that time period – they don’t know I have an open marriage with my part-time wife.

    E

    On Nov 9, 2010 12:58am, K wrote:

    ok baby, since I have to act quickly before the price goes up again and it’s night there, I just booked for 11th saturday at noon with virgin and going back on tuesday night at 8.40 pm (no late monday flight, sorry). Hope that’s not too much inconvenience to you having me too long (but we miss each other the whole month of november, right?).

    I will send you the itinerary soon.

    btw, I often smile at myself each time the image of you and the silly things we did/said to each other crossed my mind, at home, on the road, at the gym, in the public transport, everywhere….

    Does that happen to you sometimes? I hope I don’t need therapy for this. :)”



  160.  #160Daria on November 10, 2010 at 12:59 am

    the man asked me my dream and i said i had a lot

    and i was afraid to say them (for myself):

    im gonna say them now

    i want to be a rapper

    i want to be a model

    i want to be a sex symbol superstar

    i want to be president of romania

    i want to be a spirit healer spreader more powerful than je9sus

    i want to live extremely happily

    i want to hanglide

    i want to live in Brazil

    i want to use money unlimitedly

    i want to have children and grandchilldren

    i want to enjoy cooking

    i want to sing in an expressive stunnig way

    i want to create art

    i want to be expression

    i want to awe and heal people on sight on word on energy on thought

    i want to use magic unlimitedly

    i want to be greater than death

    i want to be my soul

    i want to be a love goddess

    i want to make love in the galactic way

    i want to flow magic medicine communication

    i want to be spirit

    i want to be body

    i want to be Daria

    i want to write a fantasy book

    i want to be loved by men and feel it

    i want to have that relationship that feels good to me



  161.  #161Daria on November 10, 2010 at 1:02 am

    KAtarina – ah… i feel sad… id love to see him buying the tickets… id love to see him never mentioning another woman again… id love to see you telling him how you feel and Not apologizing for staying too long

    this feels bad!



  162.  #162Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 1:10 am

    Kristine:

    “I have faith in me and I trust me now my perception is way more clear. I just suggest stop worrying so much on what to do if he thinks this or does that be you and be happy and let him love you, call you, show you your what he wants…If not him someone else will and you deserve it. We all deserve to be a goddess and he deserves to be a king but in order to be a king you have to accept the title, no convincing or asking.. he will tell you if and when he is ready!.. and in the meantime do you and be happy with being alone or circular dating! Live to Love but always Love to live your life to the fullest! Sorry just inspired in my life and wanted to share!! God BLess You Goddesses and remember your life is yours, endless possibilities is what makes it so amazing!!!”

    YES! Exactly what I say, word per word.

    Yayyy…!

    CD/dating multiple guys help us to feel relax and see abundant possibilities in life. I know because it’s been working really well for me. The guys are all flocking to me at the same time because I’m too busy making myself happy (I have a life) and there is no care in the world about how they think about me/our relationship.

    This is very attractive and comforting to men. Even my husband makes more effort to be in touch with me now since I leaned back so much the past few months.

    Don’t let others judge you it’s not a virtuous way. It’s a way of self-love for a goddess.



  163.  #163Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 1:21 am

    Daria, please… He bought the tickets twice before but since he said he couldn’t afford it every month after the divorce that almost make him lose the house (he took a huge loan), we agreed to take turn for that starting the next trip and he’ll pay for dates/groceries.

    I’m okay with that.

    He’s joking about other women (he’s not allowed to joke now?). I don’t take that seriously. I know he has little time for dating with the son around most of the time. Even if he’s dating so what? I am too and there is tacit understanding from both of us that we haven’t talked about exclusivity yet. I care about my own life right now, not what he’s doing with his own time/life. I don’t want to be the controlling bitch.

    We can want all we want but real life is a different story. So far I don’t see anything like that as a deal breaker. Maybe for you, not for me because I see a great man inside out.

    If you can’t be flexible with what you want -understanding that men aren’t perfect- then you might miss out on a good guy. Again, it’s about giving men the benefit of the doubt.



  164.  #164Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 1:30 am

    And no, not really apologizing for staying too long but I want him to know I don’t take him for granted and I respect his boundaries (he’s comfortable with a week a month for now, this time it’ll be 10 days). I also didn’t know if the timing was okay since he would need to pick me up and take me to the airport. I don’t want him to think I took the liberty of deciding timing without checking with him first.

    It’s just courtesy, really. I would expect the same from him. Again, women often think “they are entitled” too soon. It’s a major turn off for guys. It causes them to pull away.



  165.  #165BarbinOz on November 10, 2010 at 1:33 am

    #60 Renee

    I feel really SAD reading this, REALLY sad………



  166.  #166Daria on November 10, 2010 at 2:01 am

    Katarina – blah I don’t like it.

    I don’t like my men bringing up other women, unless he’s telling me something important, about himself. Even then… No way I don’t feel adored w jokes like that ( though I get the impression he thinks You’ll enjoy them and that’s why Ge uses them)

    I wouldn’t want to pay for tickets cuz he can’t afford them either. No way. I don’t want to pay for anything. I want him to be the absolute provider to this queen.

    This feels not good to me. I want more in those ways. I believe you’ll find your own way of course… And I want you to require extra extra extra…. This isnt good enough for me but maybe for you at this time it’s just right.

    I think the mention of threesomes and gangbangs scare him and he gets the impression you don’t want tocommitt so he brings up other women to satisfy You. Hmm..,

    I think he’s allowing the ticket buying also to satisfy you. Kinda like a lil burden of umph he’s gotta carry to his ego cuz his girl wants to take control.

    So in this way, he really seems to like you! It’s not him that’s giving less , it’s you that’s requiring being treated this way ( buying tickets and hearing about the other woman)

    Maybe it gives you a little distance to feel safe.

    Surrendering control 100% of the time feels 300%. Magically blissful for me. But I didn’t feel safe with it at first. It’s all good. You don’t Have to surrender control… If you try it fully, I witness stand that it feels better than not… It’s like discovering the magic kingdom…. way more than I expected to get out of it it’s like Buddha goddess bliss.



  167.  #167Daria on November 10, 2010 at 2:16 am

    It’s like getting way more than I bArgained for.. In a good wAy

    Its like buying am antique lamp thras Beaitiful… Only to find there’s a genie inside

    It’s like finding me and my life and healing depression

    For real!

    I know how to cure depression. I know! How to make myself happy! I know how to do magic things that shamans goddesses and witches do. I know spirit .

    Uuuuuh. Enlighemt via full femininity way a wild abandon gentle way to go.

    I want everyone to touch it ! Touch it touch it touch it. Touch it ladies! Dead life is healable. The stories are true, the animals reay speak. You really can fly. You don’t have to work – big ouch on that one. Life is not too short – sorry life – it’s justing enough… Tragedies are invitations for miracles. Ian in the seventh power of heaven.



  168.  #168Meemee on November 10, 2010 at 4:39 am

    Sirens,
    I had a reasonably good day at office. But my tummy is aching so bad because of my periods. I feel low and tired and drained out because of that.

    X saw me when I was making tea. I did not look at him, no hi or hello, I made tea and went to my room. He came to my room, said “this is a lovely dress. You are looking really really pretty today”.
    I said “Thank You”. I did not look at him, I did not smile. He waited and waited and waited for me to say something more. I said nothing. I switched on my computer, answered a call, started working. I must tell you it was embarrassing. But he left after some time.

    Later in the afternoon I went for lunch with some other colleagues. He and his “girlfriends” came at the same time. His girlfriends made fun of me saying that “Oh its the eighth wonder of the world that you are having a lunch”. I usually do not go for lunch because I fear I will meet him and his folk who will shamelessly make seemingly friendly comments which sound nasty to me. I replied bak saying ‘I hope you dont think I should be photographed too!!”. They stopped at that. He did not say anything. I could see his “girlfriends” looking at him and me. I did not bother, I sat there, finished my lunch and left.

    I had a bad bad tummy pain, so I took rest in my room. I was feeling sleepy. He came to my room again and looed at me through the glass window on the door. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep for some time. He came in thrice while I was taking rest. I did not bother to get up or talk. I closed my eyes tightly and leaned back on my chair and continued to sleep. 🙂 🙂

    J*sus!! It feels strange and weird. But I am a bit shaken after the coffee meeting even though you say I managed well.

    I want to protect myself.
    I want to feel same emotionally.
    I do not want to feel upset after entertaining his visits.
    I want to take care of myself.
    Love you
    Meemee



  169.  #169Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 4:42 am

    Daria, honey, we had a long discussion about money and about me wanting to stay in my feminine energy. No, it’s not about me wanting to have control…it’s just you have to compromise a little bit as you would in relationship.

    And no, he knows I’m not into FFM threesome (I’ll do it for the guy I love) -of course he would say it was for me (like my husband used to do) but it was a typical male ploy and I busted him on that. 🙂 We found it funny.

    I could care less about group sex really. I did FFM once with my husband (it was okay). I never had MMF or foursome or what not. If I was really into it I would have done it long ago. I’m more a one-to-one kinda woman. He wanted to bring another man for me thinking that would make me happy, I said I didn’t require it and I would only do it if that turns him on. So after exploring his feelings about it, we decided I wouldn’t do things that would jeopardize our relationship. I told him I think I will handle FFM better than he would MMF. And he kinda agreed to it.

    I don’t mind a little joking around about things like that. if it bothers me I will tell him. I am secure that I’m the best woman for him, everything he’s looking for in a woman. And he always says that when we’re together.



  170.  #170life_is_too_short_to... on November 10, 2010 at 5:17 am

    What are you sorry about? 🙂
    Don’t worry, I’m used to people misconstruing things, but I “pick my battles” so to speak.
    I never said life is too short.
    I said life is too short to…..(fill in the blank).
    My fill in the blank is life is too short to not live within the realization of who you really are. The guru is within. Stay amazing!! 🙂



  171.  #171Renee on November 10, 2010 at 5:23 am

    Barb — After reading some of the other sirens’ responses to my question, I feel better about the premise…it sounds like they’re saying the moment he feels you start to ‘obsess’ about him and get into ‘his’ feelings as opposed to your own, that that’s when things begin to decline. What do you think?



  172.  #172Senior Lady Vibe on November 10, 2010 at 5:32 am

    @155: Kristine

    I hope you are feeling fine on this beautiful day. I saw your post but I had a hard time reading it although I read the first two lines. Is there a way you could put some “white space” in your posts? That would make it easier for me to read.

    Thanks.

    SLV



  173.  #173Senior Lady Vibe on November 10, 2010 at 5:34 am

    @155 Kristine

    P.S. I press “enter” key twice to break and begin new paragraphs.

    SLV



  174.  #174Nicole on November 10, 2010 at 5:37 am

    Katarina,

    Thank you for your input. This guy is not withdrawing in the sense that he just stopped calling me. He still texts me every morning when he gets up saying “Good morning love” or “Good morning baby” and he still makes time for me. (He even took me out to dinner last night). But in the beginning when we first started talking he was hitting up my phone non-stop. Saying he misses me several times a day or if not several, at least once everyday. Randomly texting me “mwah” – which I thought was cute b/c he was being vulnerable and I liked it. Now he will say it once in awhile but it is not as frequent as it was. And like I said, he was the one in the beginning that wanted to move very fast and be in a relationship and I wanted to slow things down to get to know him more.
    I noticed that he slightly backed off right after his roommate broke up with his gf (they had started dating after 1 week and basically rushed into it and it only lasted 1.5 months) – So I was thinking his roommate could have talked to him and been like, don’t rush things b/c look what happened to me. It’s a possibility.
    The reason why I wanted to bring it up with him is b/c when I go out, he has asked me (on several occassions), “were you good” or will text me when im out “are you being good” – I took this to mean, he has an obviously has an insecurity that I am going to get with someone else and this is what made me feel like it was implied we are exclusive. Now, I dont know how facebook savvy you are, and I hateeee stressing over facebook in a relationship, but his page does still say single. It kills me to think that he could be going out doing his own thing when he is expecting me not to. Which is why I feel as though he may be waiting for me to step up to the plate (since he already did ) and tell him how I feel.
    What do you think?



  175.  #175Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 6:10 am

    Nicole, I got a better picture now, thanks.

    First, it’s perfectly normal for a guy to back off a bit when he “got” you. They worked hard to win you over and when they did, the think they could relax now. That’s to be expected.

    So I guess, you could bring the subject up when timing is right, like when you two are discussing relationship in general. Just fish for what he’s feeling about this now (you know the way I talk to my beau about stuff, sort of casually in between other subjects). You let him know that you kinda warm to the idea of getting exclusive and leave it at that and let him follow it up (he’s the man after all).

    I’m not friend with SG on FB. I think it’s detrimental to relationship this early (just like you allude how things bother you because of what he says or doesn’t sat on his FB page, I don’t want that to happen to us). A little bit of mystery is good to keep the passion alive.



  176.  #176life_is_too_short_to... on November 10, 2010 at 6:13 am

    126. Katarina wrote:
    “When a man is guarded, especially when he’s been recently burned through a divorce for example, you projecting your own subjective ideal onto him won’t help him relax his guard.

    His being cautious is a normal reaction especially in the beginning and shouldn’t be construed as “it’s him…he won’t change. He’s not my type.”

    It’s throwing the baby with the bath water.

    Taking things slow is good for both parties. Taking time apart from each other to process things is healthy. That’s the time for leaning back for women without even trying too hard.”

    Katerina,

    I appreciate what you write here, but, as a card carrying member of the There Are Many Variables Club, I can tell you, from my experience with recently divorced men, that there is a lot more to it than just not projecting your own subjective ideal onto him in order for him to relax his guard.

    My EUM was so impressed with how cool I was.

    I was the one who asked for more space and the freedom to date other men because I saw that he wasn’t anywhere near ready, and he did not respect that. Then, when he decided to date others, he still wanted me all to himself, throw his relationship in my face and wait for him to get his sh*t together.

    I wouldn’t go for that. And that caused anger, resentment and a stalemate.

    “When he feels safe, he will come forward more often. He won’t feel safe unless you let him be.”

    Yeah, and I don’t feel safe unless he lets me be.

    Women need to get a good picture of what they are dealing with, and sometimes this is difficult to do because of all the fairy tale happy ever after stars in the eyes projecting that goes on in the beginning.

    I’m not saying anything like that is going on with you and SG, and I love reading about what is going on with you guys 🙂

    Just sayin’, there are many factors and different circumstances and situations to consider!

    can you tell i am a big picture person…it’s maddening sometimes 🙂

    LITS



  177.  #177life_is_too_short_to... on November 10, 2010 at 6:15 am

    Sorry, that is Katarina…with an “a” not an “e”



  178.  #178Honey on November 10, 2010 at 6:23 am

    Katarina –

    I have a general comment. This is not necessarily about SG.

    People who are newly divorced go through a lot of emotional, mental, and practicle sh*t. They are under a huge amount of stress…divorce is one of the highest stressors there is. If he has children, they are going through a lot too. If a newly divorce person has been emotinally and sexually starved in their marriage, they are ripe for a rebound relationship. Does that mean you are a rebound? No. It is just something to be aware of. Either way, he is dealing with a lot and so are his kids.

    Katrina, I am saying this to myself as well as to you cuz one of my CDs who is acting all crazy about me is 1 1/2 past initiating the divorce and 3 months post official divorce. Does that mean we should not be with these guys? No. But it is something to be aware of. Personally, I am doubling my efforts to stay in tune with myself.

    If you pay for your own flight and feel ok about it, I think it’s fine as long as he ASKS you. If he starts putting more and more expectations of you over time, then things are haywire. But I think you will FEEL this if you check in with your own emotions.

    My last BF started expecting me to do/pay for things without asking. I did it but did not pay attention to my emotions. This brought up a lot of negative emotion in me that I wasn’t aware of and leaked into the relationship in really bad ways. I wish I had been more aware and had addressed it up front with feelings messages. But then that was pre-RR and the good thing is it brought me here.

    SG is a new relationship. It feels great and that’s great. Just be careful because you want to keep it great. Keep in touch with YOUR emotions and what YOU want. There are some realities that you have to deal with dating a single parent that may involve some compromise of the ideal. As long as he asks and does not expect, and you are truly ok with it, I think it’s fine. But I’m sure Daria will disagree. lol



  179.  #179life_is_too_short_to... on November 10, 2010 at 6:29 am

    “My last BF started expecting me to do/pay for things without asking. I did it but did not pay attention to my emotions. This brought up a lot of negative emotion in me that I wasn’t aware of and leaked into the relationship in really bad ways. I wish I had been more aware and had addressed it up front with feelings messages. But then that was pre-RR and the good thing is it brought me here.”

    Well said, Honey. Part of my sadness and reluctance to let go of my EUM is because of my own stuff and lack of boundaries and ineffective ways of addressing it. That is the part of me that doesn’t want to let it go completely. The part that knows it contributed to the screwing up too. Yet, there may be too many undesirable character factors in him that I won’t be able to live with. It’s tough. So glad I have you and the others for support. 🙂



  180.  #180Mercedes on November 10, 2010 at 6:43 am

    “Mercedes – what you’re noticing is energy. Not his feelings.” – No Daria…I am noticing his feelings. That’s what it’s like with us. We feel each other’s feelings together…it’s not projecting, it’s not energy, it’s not vibe…it’s a connection of the hearts. It is us. It is beautiful…and amazing…and a bit scary sometimes but we are connected on a totally different level than anything I’ve ever had before so that in itself can be a bit scary I suppose.

    I’m feeling crabby today…just my disclaimer…

    Katarina: “If he doesn’t respond well (becoming grouchy) then you need to lean back and do it less.”

    I “need” to? How about that’s what YOU would do and I can just go ahead and do what’s working for me? My question was about potential future damage from doing some of the things I do (curious about the opinion of Rori and the sirens here)…not a question about what I should do now…I got that part down.



  181.  #181Honey on November 10, 2010 at 7:17 am

    Mercedes –

    “I ‘need’ to? How about that’s what YOU would do and I can just go ahead and do what’s working for me?”

    Ouch, Mercedes.



  182.  #182Mercedes on November 10, 2010 at 7:35 am

    Yeah…Honey…I don’t like being told what to do. I like suggestions…I love advice…I REALLY love to hear how people put advice they receive into action and what those results were, but I don’t even let my dad tell me what to do anymore. Even in my own job my boss gives me suggestions but never uses the condescending “I know better that you” words: “You need to…”

    And I’m crabby…

    Add those things together and “ouch” can happen. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  183.  #183Honey on November 10, 2010 at 7:55 am

    Mercedes –

    I hear you and the content of your posts speak to me.

    I am feeling defensive of everybody right now because of how a lot of people are saying things. I’m feeling tension and attacks. It looks like a lot of people feel bossed around on here. That feels bad. People often get defensive when they are an adult and feel like they are being told what to do.

    We all get triggered sometimes. I did MAJORLY by Daria last night. Then I worked it through in relatively short order. I thought to myself, right or wrong, “So what if Daria has a different opinion about people who are mentally ill. She does not have the same personal and job experience and education that I have. Why do I expect her to think the same way that I do?” Her opinion does not change my reality…but it did give me the opportunity to learn something about myself BECAUSE of the strong EMOTIONAL REACTION to what she said. Did she change what I think? Absolutely not. This is my area of expertise. Did her response allow me to grow just a little bit more? I think so.

    But I’m digressing a bit.

    We often feel defensive when we feel bossed or attacked. I don’t like the way some things were phrased to you either. I do want to give you the feedback, though, that you also sound defensive, and that you were telling others what to do in an effort to defend yourself. I’m wondering if we can hear what someone has to say without lashing back. I am trying to use feelings statements instead. This is hard because I am used to defending myself when feeeling bossed or attacked, but I am trying to do something new. I don’t really know you and was wondering if you have tried this much and how it has worked for you? This is still very new to me. I have known about “I statements” for 30 something years, but have never really tried to live it out until now.

    I am afraid to write to you because I am afraid I will get a harsh response from you. That is MY issue. I can only offer my thoughts and feelings…it is up to the other person if or how they receive it. My task right now is to try not to personalize everything so freakin’ much. I need to own the part that is mine but not take on someone else’s stuff.



  184.  #184Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 8:03 am

    Meemee,

    RE: #168 – You said, ” I replied bak saying ‘I hope you dont think I should be photographed too!!”.

    Love it! You are getting more savvy by the day! Good job! It seems weird that he stayed in your room silent that whole time you were turning on your computer and taking a phone call! He didn’t say anything? That took a lot of nerve to just ignore him and not say or do anything! I don’t think I could have held myself back from making a nasty comment, at the very least, if it were me.



  185.  #185Mercedes on November 10, 2010 at 8:07 am

    Honey: You are correct in that I do get defensive…I like that side of me because I know that I can be firm in my boundaries and beliefs and values and morals…anything that is is important to me, I can (and will) defend. I think that’s a good quality but can concede that not everyone would agree with me on that.

    As far as feeling messages go, I use them with J when needed but not so much here. Actually, since spending so much time here about a year or so ago, I use them even less with J than I used to. Hearing them so much turned me off to them and I don’t want to turn J off to them (because, as I said, I use them when I need them or when it feels natural and right) so…sparingly for me.

    Question for you. You said “you were telling others what to do in an effort to defend yourself.” When was this? I’m not saying I didn’t…because I certainly could have but I don’t remember it and when I tell someone what to do, it’s generally very deliberate so I tend to remember. Can you tell me which post it was and maybe who I was talking to? I believe you, I would just like to see the context so I can remember what my frame of mind was at the time.

    ” I’m wondering if we can hear what someone has to say without lashing back.” – Not in my nature if they’re being inappropriate from my perspective. I wouldn’t use the word “lashing” to describe it, but I really don’t see myself “playing nice” just because. I hear women on here who are very, very nice…and not just because…but because it is in their nature…those women are beautiful and amazing (think my good friend tinque)…and not me. I can’t change that but I can admire them for who they are. I hope you can come to admire me for who I am as well. That would be cool.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  186.  #186Honey on November 10, 2010 at 8:10 am

    Brenda –

    #184 Good observation. Yes, it would be sooooo uncomfortable with him standing there, and SO hard not to say ANYTHING. But that’s why he did it – cuz it usually works. This guy is pretty sharp. It will be interesting to watch this play out. He will come back with something even more difficult to deal with before this is done. He wants his way…he will pull out all the stops.



  187.  #187Honey on November 10, 2010 at 8:18 am

    Bren –

    I hope you are feeling better today. I felt bad for you yesterday.

    OK, so you did a bunch of stuff you shouldn’t. You already knew those things weren’t the “right” thing to do when you did them. But nobody died and you did them for a reason. You WANTED to.

    I like experiments.

    How are you feeling about what you did today? Did you learn anything new about yourself from what you did? Did you learn anything new about yourself from people’s REACTION to what you did?

    One of the things I think I heard you say yesterday is that you FEEL pressured by other people’s expectations and are F-ing sick of it.

    Anything else come up for you?

    I have to get ready and go to work but I’ll be interested to hear what you learned from your little adventure if you would be willing to share what feelings come up for you.

    I have to process my feelings on what you did. Part of me felt good about your little rebellion…probably because I feel controlled by my situation sometimes…I will have to focus on that more when I get a chance. But for now, off to work…

    Have a great day.



  188.  #188Senior Lady Vibe on November 10, 2010 at 8:20 am

    @180, 181, 182

    For the record, I’ve never liked the “you need to” colloquialism, especially when it’s used instead of “please: as in:

    You need to give me more space instead of “please give me more space.

    You need to pick me up at 7:30 instead of “please pick me up at 7:30

    And so on,…

    I try not to use the “you need to” form; I don’t like the aggressiveness of it but, I’m sad to say, the phrase is becoming ubiquitous. I’m sometimes annoyed when I hear it or read it.

    SLV



  189.  #189Senior Lady Vibe on November 10, 2010 at 8:22 am

    Tee hee, I guess “I need to” make that “aggression” instead of “aggressiveness” [hmmm, don’t think that’s a word…] 😀

    SLV



  190.  #190Laughing Goddess on November 10, 2010 at 8:23 am

    Hi Honey:

    One thing I was thinking about last night in regard to the guy I met is he wasn’t “paranoid” in the way that your husband sounds. All of the things he was talking about were deep spirtual “truths”. Like the common basic “truths” that can be seen throughout all religions.

    I’m pretty sure this is why I felt so open to him. I’ve known lots of people who are into the conspiracy theory thing. He wasn’t like that at all. Well, at least from what I could see in the period of time that I spoke with him.

    I totally understand the pain of being around someone like your husband. I had a past boyfriend like that. Maybe not to the extreme of how you described your husband, but very paranoid. I felt so sad around him. I felt so lonely and alone because it seemed like his fears and paranoia were more important than me.

    I’m typing on my phone and I can go back and reread what I wrote. I apologize in advance if it’s a little discombobulated 🙂
    So ya, this guy was not like that. I woke up still feeling confused by the interaction. Wondering why the universe sent me such an intense message. And the trying to get in my car thing. What? That really didn’t feel good. But oh, the things he was saying we so powerful and really affected me…in a good way.

    I also want to say, I feel so appreciative of your presence here. I know it can feel uncomfortable here at times and I just want to let you know that I understand and appreciate you.



  191.  #191Honey on November 10, 2010 at 8:30 am

    Mercedes –

    Thank you for receiving my message in the spirit in which it was given.

    I like that you are strong and can take care of yourself. I am that way, too. I am an Alpha Female.

    Here’s what felt to me like telling others what to do…

    “How about that’s what YOU would do and I can just go ahead and do what’s working for me?”

    This was phrased as a question, but really felt like an aggressive statement. That felt bad to me. A feelings statement would have felt better to me and I’m wondering if it you could have put a boundary there without creating a potential for defensiveness in the other person. I’m new at this and am experimenting.

    Maybe something like.

    I feel defensive.
    It feels bad to when when others TELL me what to do rather than sharing their suggestions.
    I feel bossed.
    I feel patronized and it sucks.
    I want to slap someone when I feel like this.

    Or whatever would be the feeling for you.

    I am experimenting here with stating things in a new way because I know I tend to overpower people sometimes.

    I have to go to work now, but would like to know what you think/feel.



  192.  #192Honey on November 10, 2010 at 8:35 am

    LG –

    Thanks for your thoughts. I am so addicted to this blog I am going to be late for work!

    About the guy…paranoia doesn’t always sound the way you describe. Sometimes it comes out in grandiosity. The person will have special insights into philosophy or spiritual matters. This in and of itself does not make a person delusional. Some people are just very spiritual. It was the other things you stated in CONJUNCTION with what he was saying that were the red flags…especially getting into the car with you. I think the initial vibe you got was a big tip off, too.

    Wish I could chat more but I do gotta run…

    Thanks for your post. It’s ok that I’m uncomfortable on here sometimes…that’s usually when I have the opportunity to learn the most!



  193.  #193Honey on November 10, 2010 at 8:36 am

    Later, Girls…



  194.  #194Mercedes on November 10, 2010 at 8:39 am

    Thank you Honey…I don’t quite see that as telling someone what to do (except in the context of showing what it sounds like to have them say it to me) but I can see where you would see it that way, so all is good.

    As far as feeling messages…I really don’t see myself rephrasing what I say in feeling messages. I will use them…when it feels right, but I pretty much say (write) what I think and I almost never rephrase it to save someone else’s feelings. Katarina offended me…at that point, I’m really not about making her feel good. I’m about telling her what I think…and I did.

    The only other thing I can possibly think of that would have felt good to say was “What in the world makes you believe you are in any kind of position to tell me what to do?” but that didn’t seem right…so I said what popped into my head next (or first…can’t remember).

    Even looking back I wouldn’t change it to a feeling message…but at the same time, if a feeling message flowed out of me and felt right, I wouldn’t stop and rephrase it as a thinking statement either. Does that make sense?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  195.  #195Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 8:40 am

    Honey,

    RE: #187 – Hey, thanks for your feedback and questions!

    I woke up with a smile! LOL! I really had fun, and I keep smiling every time I think of our exchange. I find it interesting that my instincts on him were right…he was receptive. If he had been turned off, it could have gotten really ugly or cold at least. But he responded warmly.

    I wasn’t interacting with him like a woman to a man. I was interacting like a man to a woman. I was strongly in my masculine energy, being hormonal and all. I already know him enough to know he is strongly into his feminine energy. So I figured, since I know he likes me and we get along well, that he would enjoy a little playful drama! And he did!

    I felt it was some good clearing of past hurts from people at churches. Even tho it wasn’t related, it is related in my mind. And I feel more at peace about that, too.

    So all in all, I am feeling very content today! It helped me let out some of the erupting lava over walking on eggshells with Ryan. I am not going to text him. I am still on target with him, and that is how I want to remain.

    I was open and honest with Bill, telling him about my tension over Ryan, when he came to my office to visit me yesterday. So I am not leading him on in any way…or I am, if he wants me to be. So Bill is just a staunch ally all around, both at work and in my personal life. He is such a wonderful man!

    I think my only regret is that Bill is not available for a serious relationship! 🙂

    What do you think?



  196.  #196Mercedes on November 10, 2010 at 8:58 am

    SLV: “I try not to use the “you need to” form; I don’t like the aggressiveness of it but, I’m sad to say, the phrase is becoming ubiquitous. I’m sometimes annoyed when I hear it or read it.”

    YES! If we could change your word “sometimes” to “always” then that could be an exact quote of mine.

    Even with my own children I don’t “tell them what to do”…they always have choices only the choice they are destined to make is the one that is best for them (ie two choices: clean your room or hang with me instead of your friends for the next week). 🙂

    I ask them lots of questions and I give them choices (everything is a choice and if you teach children at a young age how to make good choices, they will continue that into adulthood)…it works for us. But because I am good at making choices, hearing the words “you need to” tends to piss me off.

    When leaving that phrase out and saying “if it is met with aggression, you could always lean back again and see what happens” – that is a suggestion…a choice…a bit of advice. But “you need to do this” is coming from a place of authority…I’m just a touch too old to need that. lol

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  197.  #197Laughing Goddess on November 10, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Mercedes: You have kids? I didn’t realize that. Sweet. 🙂



  198.  #198Mercedes on November 10, 2010 at 9:27 am

    LG: I have three FABULOUS young men and J has two AMAZING young ladies. We don’t have them all of the time, but they all come and go a lot between us and our exes…I can tell you that when they’re all around at the same time, life gets a little crazy! 🙂

    Oh…we have dog too…75lb puppy! He’s there all the time…he’s a lovely pain in the butt! LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  199.  #199Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Jonathon Aslay’s blog post today:

    Taking things slow, what does that mean when a guy says that? Let’s say you are seeing someone you really like (having sex) right after he ended a marriage or relationship. He doesn’t want the pressure of deciding his future and you don’t want to lose him. Just curious, what do you think happens after the “slow” part ends?

    Here is my take: when a man has just ended a relationship whether it was a marriage or something serious, rarely is he really ready to enter into something serious right away. So let’s say you meet someone and you both believe you have this amazing chemistry and you begin seeing each other including being intimate and then he says he would prefer to take it slow. That usually means you are not the one for him and he wants to have his out already planned using the trauma of the ended relationship as his out for ending a relationship with you.

    If he really wants to take it slow to get to know you as a person, then the sex need not be a part of the getting to know you.

    In addition, if he really wants a relationship with anybody, the last thing a man does is take things slow, in fact usually the opposite. There is one type of man who usually enters a committed relationship with the first person he meets after a divorce and that is the co dependent man (generally speaking). If you are ok with that personality then by all means stick it out.

    Just remember, taking it slow is usually code for I want my cake and eat it too. IMHO



  200.  #200Senior Lady Vibe on November 10, 2010 at 9:39 am

    @96: Mercedes says:

    “…If we could change your word “sometimes” to “always” then that could be an exact quote of mine…”

    In actual occurence my “sometimes” is close to “always.” I should have written “usually.”

    “…Even with my own children I don’t “tell them what to do”…they always have choices only the choice they are destined to make is the one that is best for them (ie two choices: clean your room or hang with me instead of your friends for the next week).

    I have no problem giving command statements. I often give them without asking for agreement as in: Come here, right now. Stop kicking your brother, finish your homework before computer games, etc Please use the bathroom before we leave. [I usually follow with a “why” statement.]

    My DDIL’s and my all-time favorite, LOL 😀 : “Don’t draw on the baby…” Yeah, this happened. Little girl used marker pen to “tattoo” three month old. We still laugh about that one. 😆 Oh, I love those little ones.

    SLV



  201.  #201Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 9:45 am

    Mercedes,

    You said, “if you teach children at a young age how to make good choices, they will continue that into adulthood)…it works for us.”

    I really like that. My family was more run like a dictatorship. I think it left me NOT equipped to make good choices. I did things because I was told to. So when a toxic man pressured me to do things that I didn’t want to do, I felt obligated to comply. Not healthy.

    It also bred a rebellious streak in me…also not healthy.

    I worked with mentally handicapped and emotionally disturbed kids for 6 years. I was taught by psychologists and special ed teachers to set up positive motivation/rewards. If their behavior was out of line, I would give them a choice, like you said:

    “Well, it’s up to you. You can come inside for dinner and go to the baseball game this Friday, or you can stay outside and then stay home while everyone else goes to the game!”

    Typically, the first time or two, they would test me. But once they had to sit home or miss whatever special activity was being offered, they were quick to manage their behavior!

    I far prefer that technique to negativity and “I told you to! That’s why!”



  202.  #202Linda on November 10, 2010 at 9:50 am

    Leaning back, staying open… having no agenda??? How in the world can you do that really. I mean I am a goal oriented person. I can live on hold for a while, but if life is not yielding what I need and want in my life, I cant linger long in a environment where I dont exert energy to direct my life.

    So is a goal and working toward it the same as a agenda?

    I totally know what an imaginary relationship is, I know what leaning forward is… I had one man recently say… I dont feel like you are happy to see me…. I said, I could say that same about you.. I am simply mirroring their behavior toward me. I also said I was NOT going to keep pouring my energy into a situation where none was invested back in from their side. It felt sooo good to say that…. and by the way that ohhhh that shut them up real quick…

    I am kinda on the warpath right now. I am fed up with stuff in my life right now. Time to completely clean house. My goal is to be happy.
    Linda



  203.  #203Nicole on November 10, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Katarina,

    Can I ask you how you would suggest bringing a conversation like that up with him? I know “the talk” can be awkward for both parties involved but I want him to feel comfortable in the conversation. For instance, there have been several good opportunities for me to bring it up with him but I chicken out everytime b/c I feel like its out of the blue. Like we can be talking about our day at work and what we did then there will be a pause in the convo… do I just say… soooo by the way, I’ve been thinking…? That seems so awkward, you know. And I would be totally catching him off-guard.

    And by the way, I think you buying a plane ticket to go see your guy is totally legitimate. I think people forget we are in the 21st century and women earn their own living. Plus, there is nothing more attractive to a man then independence. You show him you can take care of yourself, men like that. I think that as long as you feel comfortable in the situation you are in, then keep things the way they are. If you start getting a feeling in your gut something is not right, it’s probably not and you gotta deal with it front and center. But you seem comfortable w/ everything so far.

    Nicole



  204.  #204Senior Lady Vibe on November 10, 2010 at 9:55 am

    @199: Lucy says:
    “Jonathon Aslay’s blog post today:…”

    Thanks for the post. The blog seems an interesting resource. It looks like the whole article was posted here but I would also like to read previous ones.

    I Googled his name and got a dot com but I could not find the blog.

    If you could post a link, I’d appreciate it. Thanks much. 😀

    SLV



  205.  #205Rachel on November 10, 2010 at 9:58 am

    i feel really stupid today. Last night, I leaned forward a little with Soccer Dad. He had IMed me earlier in the day, but I wasn’t home. So last night, I wrote: “I feel bummed that I missed you today.”

    He did immediately respond and say he was online for a few mins yet. But he was really tired and the conversation dragged. He wasn’t initiaiting anything. It felt awful. And in my attempts to brighten things a little, I cracked a few jokes that felt ok at the time, but he didn’t respond much.

    As soon as I said I could let him go, he weennnnt! AUGH…

    So I’m feeling like I’ve screwed things up. I sent him an email this morning to just clear my head about the jokes… (ordinarily he would have laughed at them). I will not contact him anymore now … it’s totally up to him from here.

    But I’d appreciate any thoughts or feedback. Here is what I sent him this morning…

    “I feel badly about my comments last night (the hormones and enema). I was feeling sleepy and silly … but now I feel that it wasn’t appropriate for our level of connection. I know you will say don’t worry, but I feel better being honest.

    When I talk to you, I feel comfortable – in some ways like I have known you for a long time. I feel safe to be me – whatever mood I’m in. But I don’t want things to be awkward or weird and I felt like I put you in that place last night! Sorry!

    I feel grateful for your encouragement and good times we’ve enjoyed.
    I hope you are enjoying this beautiful day. ”

    I really hope I’ll hear from him again, but I dont know. He came on really strong the first week and now it’s just a little hello here and there. =-(



  206.  #206Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 9:59 am

    “I wouldn’t want to pay for tickets cuz he can’t afford them either. No way. I don’t want to pay for anything. I want him to be the absolute provider to this queen.”

    Daria, I feel a lil relieved (for myself) reading that. When fb college guy said that if he wasn’t broke til monday he would take me to NYC to see the quidditch world cup this weekend, I felt so disappointed, that for a moment I considered offering to pay! Then I realized that that really didn’t feel good to me, and it would definitely be taking me down a path I don’t want to go.

    Thanks for writing that — good timing. It feels good to know I’m not alone in that feeling.



  207.  #207Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 10:02 am

    SLV,

    http://understandmennow.com/relationships/taking-things-slow-what-does-that-mean/

    I also recommend looking him up on facebook — his fb interactions are interesting and fun!



  208.  #208Rachel on November 10, 2010 at 10:06 am

    Linda,

    ” I could say that same about you.. I am simply mirroring their behavior toward me. I also said I was NOT going to keep pouring my energy into a situation where none was invested back in from their side.”

    How did he/they respond? I basically said the same thing to one of my CD’s and he said, “I hear you” but he hasn’t really stepped it up any … =-(



  209.  #209Senior Lady Vibe on November 10, 2010 at 10:08 am

    @207: Lucy says:

    http://understandmennow.com/relationships/taking-things-slow-what-does-that-mean/
    I also recommend looking him up on facebook — his fb interactions are interesting and fun!,,”

    Thanks. I would never have figured out the blog web site! I’m assuming his FB username is: Jonathon Aslay. I’m practically FB illiterate…but I’ve scheduled myself to learn all about it–I’ve had a seldom used account for a couple years.

    I’ll check him out. More preparation for me… 😀

    SLV



  210.  #210Mercedes on November 10, 2010 at 10:09 am

    SLV: I like your word even better. “Usually”. On my blog, I think I have used the words “you need to” and I’m positive I’ve used “we need to” but in that situation, I’m describing steps I’ve taken and in the context of “how to” situations. I’ve also used the words when I’m completely hyped up over something, but as I said earlier…it’s generally deliberate and so I remember it well.

    I would easily (and without hesitation) say the words “Don’t draw on the baby..”…LMAO!

    Brenda: Yeah…sometimes they will test but with my kids, we did it so young that by the time they were old enough to resist, it was the equilivent of asking “Do you want a spanking?” No kid says yes. Given two choices, my kids had experienced it enough that they always knew what choice I was expecting from them and they always went with it.

    One time my son (16 yrs old or so) was in serious trouble so one of his punishments was to write a book report on The Seven Habit of Highly Effective People and turn it in to me. He said he wasn’t going to read my “stupid book”. I told him that was an option certainly but he was going to hang out with me until I got one or he turned 18 (which ever came first). I also told him that I liked spending time with him so if he chose not to read the book, I would be okay with it. He had a book report to me within two days and he told me that was the best punishment he had ever received and he’s planning to use it with his own kids someday. 🙂 It’s all about choices. LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  211.  #211Senior Lady Vibe on November 10, 2010 at 10:09 am

    It looks like I’m off in lalala land again



  212.  #212Senior Lady Vibe on November 10, 2010 at 10:15 am

    “lalala”

    means I’m listening to music while I am reading the blog not something about the blog. I noticed those words looked funny…didn’t want to offend anyone. 😆

    SLV



  213.  #213Mercedes on November 10, 2010 at 10:28 am

    Linda: “So is a goal and working toward it the same as a agenda?”

    Are you referring to work or life or a romantic relationship?

    Rori teaches us to have goals and work toward them in our professional lives. She teaches the same in our personal lives (know what we want and go for it). But she teaches this as a no no when it comes to one particular man. What we want for our future? Yeah…go for it! What we want from one particular man? Nope. Date lots of them and go for what we want for our future…with or without any specific individual. The right man (the one who can provide all those things we want) will step up so as not to lose you to another man who might just be offering exactly what you want as well.

    But professionally and personally on our own levels…nothing sexier than a woman with a goal! 😉

    At least that’s what I get from her…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  214.  #214Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 10:31 am

    “you need to”

    I have been coming to realize that I think maybe Katarina doesn’t mean for her words to come across the way they do. “you need to” bothers me a lot too, for the same reasons you all mention. But I’m thinking now that maybe she doesn’t MEAN it to be directive and authoritarian. I’m thinking that maybe her INTENT is to make suggestions.

    Katarina, what do you think about this?



  215.  #215Daria on November 10, 2010 at 10:39 am

    Ouch – goodbye misconstruing and needing to pick battles against me…. Boof. W the heel oh my boot getfoh! And life is not too short … for anything.., cuz it’s not too short.

    It’s magically just right.

    And I’m sorry for, perhaps stirring up stuff… And I’m nit sorry anymore thank you!

    And thank you for the compliment and ebcouragement.x I’m feeling my metamorphosis!

    I am not really reading because I’m speaking to the bird systems in my life and not to people .x yadadaimean.., I may go back to read some goddess voices later but for now.,, it’s straight me Tolerating NOTHING that feels bad , and explaining Nothing.



  216.  #216jacqueline on November 10, 2010 at 10:45 am

    Thanks so much Katarina! That’s exactly what I needed – how to SAY the words I want and I couldn’t come up with that. Now, do I call and pursue the regional to say em or do the lean back?

    And when Kat says “you need to,” I take it as a suggestion – and simply her way of expressing her opinion. I don’t understand all the resistance and disecting of it.

    @ Linda – and that’s why I so feel you! I am not a wait and see…it keeps me awake at night! smile…

    J



  217.  #217Daria on November 10, 2010 at 10:51 am

    Skipping all the posts that feel bAd.. Yahoo

    Mergers says, Daria no. Daria says Daria yes Daria yes seedeaters

    Lol not seedeaters! Weeeeeeeeeee

    Weeee morons go seedeaters if not careful lol
    Lol

    This sentence is off the hook! Thank you itouch spell check.

    And now, for more Rori



  218.  #218jacqueline on November 10, 2010 at 10:51 am

    @ Daria – sometimes I feel very disturbed at what you write, esp. lately. When the last thing I read last night was Honey upset about mental illness and you typing in all caps I AM THE BITCH GODDESS….I wondered if you were being

    1. authentic and violent-ish
    2. acting or speaking in the way the man at the store did to further here “growth,” except she had expressed pain
    3. really high and not realizing how you were sounding exactly like – for me – what the man in the store sounded.

    I feel truly upset when you sound so violent, or when you totally disregard other people’s feelings to validate your own.

    Like when you stayed gone and didn’t call home and your mother said you “were killing her,” and you were justifying why your feelings, actions and needs were most important.

    I wanted to ask you, don’t you even feel a thing for your mother?

    Cuz mine is gone, and IF I had the chance to do anything for her NOT to feel like I was killing her, I would jump all over it.

    And I haven’t said anything for months about it. But it seemed to be escalating last night.

    I get that feeling messages are excellent, and that you validate yourself and care about yourself – but where’s the love that the feeling messages are about (for others?)

    It hurts me to think of this, and it hurt me when Honey was upset. Sometimes, things here hurt.

    And I LOVE it that Rori said they are JUST tools – not a way of life, etc.

    Very cool, I hope we all dialogue more in that direction – like would you use a hammer or a drill here?

    Jacqueline



  219.  #219life_is_too_short_to... on November 10, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Daria,
    “picking battles” is just a figure of speech. It did not mean picking a battle with you, personally. What I meant is that I usually don’t feel the need to make myself right for every little thing that I disagree with, or things that I may perceive to affect my image in some way, or to explain things.

    But since that is the handle I use here, I saw it as an opportunity to say why I chose it, just in case anyone is interested.

    I wanted to share with you the meaning of life is too short to…what it means to me.

    It is a reminder to me that life is too short to not be happy, to make the most of every day, not that life is LITERALLY too short. First of all, there really actually is no birth or death, and time is a man-made construct. But in this dimension we are using time. I want to use the “time” that I have to experience joy, happiness, bliss, not unhappiness and depression.

    Do you understand the difference?

    Enjoy your alone time and hugs to you 🙂



  220.  #220Daria on November 10, 2010 at 11:07 am

    I am the BIT’CH goddess!

    I’m not really reading posts. If anyone wants to catch my attention and ask me something for help try typing Daria Daria Daria three times in a row.

    And I will magically appear!

    I’m my full bitch goddess form!



  221.  #221Daria on November 10, 2010 at 11:10 am

    Wow biootech now u know I wasn’t tying biotech but don’t u dare say another thing about my mother
    Other orbi will wring your superficial bimbo neck! Jus saying. TAke it if it applies



  222.  #222Daria on November 10, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Fu*ck you! Ugh attacks on me okay I checked the water… I wish this BIT’CH would go away ugh. She nerds to go to Rori kindergarten cuz she’s not ready for the first grade. Sorry we are holding you back another year so you can finally purchase and read the text book and come back here not sounding stupid or attacking people abou their moms wow the nerve of this notch for real



  223.  #223Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 11:15 am

    216 Jacqueline, yeah, that’s what I have started realizing about Kat (see 214)



  224.  #224Daria on November 10, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Lol! I love ME so much right now! I love Me so much right now. Weeeeeeeeee.



  225.  #225Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 11:18 am

    And now for some real fun…

    Erika’s new article,

    http://www.spiritualseduction.com/monogamy

    WOW.

    That’s not exactly what I had in mind with this TN man thing… Not even close

    Waaaa.



  226.  #226Daria on November 10, 2010 at 11:21 am

    I’m in love with the notch goddess I’m in love with the BIT’CH goddess Weeee move bit h get out the way .., go suck a dick or something …. Wee move ho get out the way

    I don’t play when I play I’m trances out and spirit possessed yadai yadai yadadaimean!

    I’m stirring water from the bott of the ocean bitch!! Take that

    I don’t wana chAnve I refuse to change lol like the eft video. I won’t change how do you like that

    I have acolyte resistance to chNge

    All this resistance to change

    Yum. Resistance tastes like dick liver pate



  227.  #227Mercedes on November 10, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Daria Daria Daria



  228.  #228Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 11:24 am

    I would feel better if we could all try to honor Rori’s request to refrain from judging each other.



  229.  #229life_is_too_short_to... on November 10, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Lucy, can you define for me what you mean by “judging each other”? I’m not trying to be difficult, I just want to know what that would look like here on the blog. Some examples maybe. Nobody has said anything to me about the way I interact, so I figure i am doing OK. I feel more like one of the muses here than anything, but I am OK with that, even though I like being addressed whenever that happens. I am OK with me and others wanting attention. Not so OK with narcissistic attention seeking that is more about ego massaging than connecting.



  230.  #230Laughing Goddess on November 10, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Mercedes: sounds like the modern day Brady Bunch. 🙂



  231.  #231Mercedes on November 10, 2010 at 11:34 am

    LOL! LG we are about as far away from Brady Bunch as it gets (our two oldest children haven’t even met each other because they’re out of school…one’s in college and the other in the military…and it never worked out that they could both be in our home at the same time)…but we sure have a good time!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    PS: Daria – am I supposed to have a lamp to rub? My experiment isn’t working… 🙂



  232.  #232Mercedes on November 10, 2010 at 11:34 am

    OH…but we do have an Alice! Only her name isn’t Alice and she comes once a week instead of living with us…



  233.  #233Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 11:46 am

    LITS. This would be an example of judging someone (moreso if it had been directed at another person by name) —

    “narcissistic attention seeking that is more about ego massaging than connecting”

    Rori wants us to focus more on expressing our own feelings rather than judging what other people are doing or not doing.

    Whenever we blame or judge someone “out there” we actually miss an opportunity to look at what is really happening inside Ourselves and heal ourselves.

    Not to mention the fact that judging feels bad to the other person.



  234.  #234life_is_too_short_to... on November 10, 2010 at 11:51 am

    🙂 Thanks, Lucy…and I was thinking more in terms of a few men I know and that terminology came out. I sort of went off on a tangent in my head….but I can see how someone could see that as a judgment against people here. just goes to show, we never know totally what is going on inside people’s heads,
    yes, men included!! Note to self.

    Thanks for the link to Erika’s article. Too bad she doesn’t still post here!

    So what’s the latest on the threesome thing?



  235.  #235Daria on November 10, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Judiging might or might not feel bad to the other person… like guess is it would! but! FEELING JUDGED feels bad

    judging doesnt necessarily feel bad cuz maybe the other person Won’t feel bad

    like if theyre a skilled spiritual warrior

    KHIA

    but it will feel bad to that part of ME that im judging because…

    everthing is part of me hehe

    HMM

    I am gonna lead myself through a stranger exercise soon if no one volunteers to lead me through it



  236.  #236Daria on November 10, 2010 at 11:55 am

    I LEAD YOU THROUGH IT!! says BITCH GODDESS, blood dripping from her fangs as she mouth rips another piece of flesh from the antlered deer she killed



  237.  #237Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 11:56 am

    I would volunteer, Daria, but I don’t know how…



  238.  #238Daria on November 10, 2010 at 11:56 am

    Mercedes – I am here… feeling a lil wary.. I feel a lil mistrustful of Mercedes’s intentions a lot of the times…

    what is the question that you want HELP from me with?



  239.  #239Mercedes on November 10, 2010 at 11:58 am

    oops…sorry Daria…I didn’t realize you were feeling wary of me. I was playing around with the Daria Daria Daria thing…just being silly. Wouldn’t have had I known you were feeling that way…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  240.  #240Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 11:58 am

    “judging doesnt necessarily feel bad cuz maybe the other person Won’t feel bad like if theyre a skilled spiritual warrior”

    I agree — if the person has healed that part that is being judged, it won’t faze them.

    OR, if the judgment is a positive one! Such as “Daria is beautiful and strong.”



  241.  #241sia on November 10, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Lucy, Katarina, Jacqueline

    I was feeling warm whilst reading your heated exchanges, because they remind me of a very dear friend’s and mine. (I am Lucy in them and she is K or J).
    They go like this:
    I describe something – how I feel, what it reminds me of, how it might feel tomorrow. I barely started and
    she says wait wait wait! Go back! What did you mean by that (sentence from 5 min ago which I forgot already).
    I: trying to make that sentence clear.
    She: Now I am even more confused. Do you mean A) or B) or C)
    (like you, Jacqueline, gave Lucy a list of possibilities some time ago.
    I: None of those and bit all of those. (clarifying some more)
    She: OK (as lost as ever)

    or when she is describing something: she finishes – to me she stated just bare facts – so I ask 98 follow
    up questions – she answers them but keeps saying: how is that relevant?

    Bottom line, she would jump into fire for me and vice versa. But on the phone we always get entangled, email even worse. We need to see each other in person to get through this.

    She made it into a non issue, maybe with a limiting belief, the very first time we were trying to arrange something: Oh right, I should know better than trying to follow the discussion with an air sign (she’s earth herself).

    We have the same problem after 15 years knowing each other, so I know she thinks i go around in circles, and I also know for her it is completely accepted. If we do not understand each other completely on some issue, we let it be.

    I am very curious as to what you would feel if you met in person! Maybe like us two would feel each other’s heart not through the cloud of discussion.

    Rooting for each of you!



  242.  #242Daria on November 10, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Thanks Lucy!

    I’ll break it down for you so you know:

    bascially the leader is gonna help the person doing it go through it by asking them questions

    1. ok so what aspects of yourelf that you dont like do you want to do it with?

    2. o kso where would she live?

    ok go there now…
    (answer from person in between those)

    3. ok do you see her? what is happening? wait until she shows up

    4. what does she look and feel like?

    5. Tell her.. Hi… I’m here to be your friend… sorry I’ve been ignoring you… Im in charge… and I’m going to listen to you from now on
    . What happens now?

    6. Ok, now make a rose appear in your hands…

    Give her the rose. What happens now?

    7. ok now go give her a hug. Whats happening?

    8. Ok now tell her.. Thank you for being here… you can always talk to me and i will do my best to hear you from now on. I promise. Will you help me be more whole?

    what does she say ?

    9. Say goodbye, feel feelings..! what do you feel.. its ok to feel that way… and LEAVE

    10. Come back to now… clap your hands… shake it out.. get fully now

    HOW do you feel??

    THATS IT!! =)



  243.  #243Daria on November 10, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Mercedes – lol! well thats a waste of a wish! 2 more left… lol

    JUST KIDDING! Unlimited wishes at this genie pond!



  244.  #244Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    LITS, the latest on that issue is that it is still up in the air.



  245.  #245Daria on November 10, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Daria is beautiful and strong! DAria is beautiful and strong!! WWWOOOO I LIKE THAT ONE!!!!



  246.  #246Daria on November 10, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    Wow! Dick liver pate, never tried That one lol



  247.  #247Daria on November 10, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Alice can be found and engaged with in lava spitting on facebook



  248.  #248Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Okay, thanks, Daria, what aspects of yourself that you don’t like do you want to do it with?

    (or did you already start doing this yourself and no longer want my assistance?)



  249.  #249Daria on November 10, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Lucy – ohh thanks! I do want you’re assistance, yay. I’ll be back later after a cd and do it then.



  250.  #250Senior Lady Vibe on November 10, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    @213 Mercedes

    I’m back for a bit…you’ve probably gone…

    Mercedes:
    “…What we want for our future? Yeah…go for it! What we want from one particular man? Nope. Date lots of them and go for what we want for our future…with or without any specific individual. The right man (the one who can provide all those things we want) will step up so as not to lose you to another man who might just be offering exactly what you want as well….”

    This is an exciting romance concept. It makes so much sense! It resonates with me but I never saw it quite as clearly as Rori puts it.

    “…But professionally and personally on our own levels…nothing sexier than a woman with a goal! …”

    It makes for a good life, no matter what. 😀

    SLV



  251.  #251Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Ok, Daria, catch ya later! 🙂



  252.  #252Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Linda,

    RE: #202 – You said, “Leaning back, staying open… having no agenda??? How in the world can you do that really. I mean I am a goal oriented person. I can live on hold for a while, but if life is not yielding what I need and want in my life, I cant linger long in a environment where I dont exert energy to direct my life.

    So is a goal and working toward it the same as a agenda?

    IMy understanding of Rori saying “have no agenda” is to get off the fast track to a committed relationship. Instead, live in the moment, sort of like a child. When I was a girl, I went from one interesting activity to another, with no thought of what can I get from this? Where is it leading? I just did it because it was fun and felt good! I love that childlike spontaneity and carefreeness!

    For myself, I’ve found that concept useful in dating. Instead of spurring the man along to my goal of happy ever after, I am doing my best to enjoy each moment. I am stopping frequently to check in with my feelings and see how good (or bad) I feel. Then the man doesn’t feel pressure vibes from me, and I’m not making a decision to allow someone deeply into my life who doesn’t deserve my heart.

    You said, ” totally know what an imaginary relationship is, I know what leaning forward is… I had one man recently say… I dont feel like you are happy to see me…. I said, I could say that same about you.. I am simply mirroring their behavior toward me.”

    Again, I’ll speak for myself: when Ryan came to my house, night after night, I noticed he stood in a very neutral position inside my door, totally vigilant to perceive my emotions, words, movements, and reactions. On the one hand, I felt a little ill-at-ease, but on the other hand, I felt attended to, cared for, like my feelings really mattered to him.

    It occured to me that he didn’t want to put HIS heart out there until he was sure where MY heart was. Altho I would have liked for him to be a little more assertive, I relished knowing that he was so utterly sensitive to me.

    I responded by giving him positive feeling messages, lots of eye contact/gazing, and being very attentive to HIM, so he knew I was focused on him.

    Also, I believe that a huge measurement of love and care is how much time I spend with someone. So, even tho I worked full time, I spent time with him limitlessly around work!

    It felt good to reassure him in indirect ways that I was VERY into him! What do you think and feel?



  253.  #253Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Linda,

    One more thought…I think this enthusiasm thing really comes down to the basics Rori presents, like unzipping our hearts, letting our strength show from the inside, being soft on the outside, being the invitation. We light the way for him down our bridge, to our happy ever after, to our heart. If we feel comfortable expressing our moment-to-moment feelings, he gets a gauge of how welcome he is and he feels more and more comfortable to share his own heart.



  254.  #254jenni on November 10, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    If a guy comes on strong, asks you on a date the next day, then has to cancel due to work, does not re-arrange but carries on contacting/chasing you. Then after 4 days does not contact you again, what do you do?
    I ‘leaned back’ and basically stopped all contact but still frustrated at no explanation especially as we got on so well. Can this be recovered or should I just leave it??? Help please!!



  255.  #255Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    Mercedes,

    RE: #210 – You said, “I also told him that I liked spending time with him so if he chose not to read the book, I would be okay with it. He had a book report to me within two days and he told me that was the best punishment he had ever received and he’s planning to use it with his own kids someday.”

    Kudos to you! LOL! 😆 I love it! You dished it up in such a loving way! And yet he totally got the point! And it was a constructive punishment! Sure beats the old “writing sentences” punishment they had at my school, where I was required to write out the same sentence 100 times.

    I have also found it an opportune time to express my caring to the child. Something like this, “I love you, and I want the best for you. I know you want your independence, and I want to give it to you. But I love you too much to just give you the reins all at once. When I see you making wise, healthy choices, I will give you more and more freedom.”

    I also tried to give even mentally handicapped children choices and control over their environment at every reasonable opportunity. For example:

    Clothing choices
    Shoe choices
    Indoor or outdoor choices
    Activity choices

    Inotherwords, I created opportunities to make a choice at every turn, even if there was no behavior management involved. My goal was to help them develop to their highest potential, to be as independent as possible.

    And I broke it down as step-by-step as I needed to, in relation to their intelligence level. Instead of saying, “Put your boots on!” I’d word it, “Can you put your boots on, please?” If they resisted, I’d simply, calmly state, “Ok, I guess we’re not going outside then.” or I’d take away whatever privelege meant something to them, like their favorite toy.

    When we were planning van trips into the community, I’d gather my group of four around and ask, “Would you rather go to the mall or to the park?”, for example. Then I’d go with the popular vote.



  256.  #256jacqueline on November 10, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Hi! Sia that is a cute/cool story – thanks. I don’t really have a position, just questions. LOL, I always have questions. Probably would drive your friend crazy.

    And I am just hit with a wave of admiration for Honey – makes me wish I had her background that she can own her reality so totally.

    But I totally hit upon something for me – which is expressing the love. We focus a lot on what’s incoming, or on leaning back, or on doing nothing to see what “they’ll do,” and in the spirit of the above post – I see Mercedes expressing the “love.” And feel bad that she – you, Mercedes – questions it.

    If we aren’t supposed to express the feelings, what are the scripts for? Only when we’re asked or to know our own feelings, etc?

    I’d like to be able to express my feelings – well I do express my feelings, huh? Grin….

    But it’s always interesting to be here and learn. Thanks everyone – and

    Hiya to Brenda! too….I like the way you kind of personalized the question into what do you think/feel? Feels very open.

    Have a great day, everyone.



  257.  #257Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Jacqueline,

    RE: #221 – Daria said, “Wow biootech now u know I wasn’t tying biotech but don’t u dare say another thing about my mother
    Other orbi will wring your superficial bimbo neck! Jus saying. TAke it if it applies”

    I would guess a chainsaw instead of a hammer or a drill. LOL! 😆



  258.  #258Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Jacqueline,

    When I was with Ryan, spending hours a day, I did my best to turn every situation possible into a feeling session. Sitting at the table, he would ask me what are you thinking or how are you doing. I would be inside myself practicing Rori’s visualizations from Modern Siren, and I’d say something like, “I feel like a cool breeze floating from branch to branch in a beautiful willow tree!” or else I’d be in the moment and say, “I feel so good to be eating lunch with you!” He seemed to really respond to feeling messages, and I often saw his face change when I would state some beautiful feeling.

    You know, in all my pondering about men and relationships, I’ve come down to this: men simply want to feel good. They want to feel good in our presence. They want to have happy sensations in their hearts, tummies, and backs (no, I didn’t say THERE, you pervert! LOL!). They want to feel good about who they are. So when we express that we are happy, content, and feeling good, they feel happy, content, and good!

    And that is my philosophy of the day!



  259.  #259Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #222 – That feels yucky to read.



  260.  #260Mercedes on November 10, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Ummm…Jacqueline…I don’t question the love. AT ALL. Not sure where that’s coming from, but all I was asking was: Rori and the sirens…what do you think about someone who gives spontaneously? Do you think it can cause potential future damage? I don’t question the love and I certainly don’t feel bad about it. Umm…if I did…I wouldn’t keep doing it. LOL

    I don’t know what you mean by this: “If we aren’t supposed to express the feelings, what are the scripts for? Only when we’re asked or to know our own feelings, etc?” or if it was still part of the dialog you were directing at me…so I can’t answer to that. What scripts? and we ARE supposed to express our feelings right? I’m confused so I hope that wasn’t toward me.

    Daria: You’re funny! Unlimited wishes sounds good though! LOL

    Brenda: you sound wonderful with these kids!

    SLV: Yeah..a good life! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  261.  #261Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #226 – I feel icky and unsafe reading your message… i feel sad and disappointed in how things are playing out at this point.



  262.  #262Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Mercedes,

    Thank you! It was one of my all-time favorite jobs! I did it for 6 years. Unfortunately, it is high burnout, and I reached a point where I needed a career change. So I switched to office work, and here I am, 15 years later.

    I just applied for a Children’s Ministry Director position at my church! I know it wouldn’t pay much, but I would sure love it! It would feel good to work with normal intelligence children.

    I feel thankful for all the deep-level, on-the-job training I received from special ed teachers and seasoned staff! I sure miss those kids, who are all adults now!



  263.  #263Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    Life,

    RE: #229 –

    Judging: “You keep interrupting me!”

    Feeling: “I feel I need more time to finish what I was saying.”

    Judging: “You are trying to control me.”

    Feeling: “This feels bad. I like to make my own choices.”

    Judging: “You are so harsh and cold.”

    Feeling: “I feel unsafe when I’m talked to like that. It would feel so good to be spoken to with a gentle voice.”



  264.  #264kdr on November 10, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    Jacqueline,

    I’m not sure I completely understand the situation but it sounds like you’ve asked him to terminate the existing leasing agent and interview, and possibly hire “your prospect” (meaning you have someone in mind for the job?). And are you saying that he has not returned your call about this from last week? That’s a big red flag, but if it were me, I’d give it at least one more shot.

    My idea: Call him and tell him (or leave a message) that you were expecting his return call on Friday regarding firing the existing leasing agent and interviewing for her replacement. Tell him “It’s very important to me that we address this issue before I begin working for you” Be sure to say “we”, as in you are in this WITH him . . . offer to be present with him when he terminates her; offer to pre-screen prospects or interview them together. Make sure he understands that you’re in this with him and will facilitate the process but you expect this to be addressed immediately.

    Then, if he does not get back to you within a reasonable period of time, cut that sucker loose. He’ll be exactly the same way after you start working for him, which will be even worse for you than it is now. NOTHING worse than a lousy boss.

    Good luck!



  265.  #265Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #236 – Ewww. I feel unsafe. I feel heart beating and feet ready to run. I feel nauseated. I feel confused. I feel sad. I feel tightness in my chest. I want to scream and yell. I want to cry. I want to comfort the deer. I want to ask “Why?” but I feel too scared. I want to go be alone in the woods and be with the deer, to watch their soft, innocent eyes gaze around the beauty of nature as they meander to their next clump of grass. I want to put my arms around all the deer in the world and protect them from cars, guns, arrows, and BITCH GODESSES.

    I feel uneasy, like a deer in headlights. I feel concerned. I feel grossed out. I feel love for you.



  266.  #266Tiffany on November 10, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Katarina – thank you so much for your posts! They have really spoken to me today…



  267.  #267Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    Daria,

    Thank you for the stranger exercise. I saved it in my Rori Raye Archives!



  268.  #268Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #215 – You said, “Ouch – goodbye misconstruing and needing to pick battles against me…. Boof. W the heel oh my boot getfoh!

    And I’m sorry for, perhaps stirring up stuff… And I’m nit sorry anymore thank you!

    I am not really reading because I’m speaking to the bird systems in my life and not to people .x yadadaimean.., I may go back to read some goddess voices later but for now.,, it’s straight me Tolerating NOTHING that feels bad , and explaining Nothing.”

    I feel angry when I feel like I am supposed to be intimidated. I am not willing to be intimidated.

    What I hear is, “I am going to act like a bitch and you better keep your mouth shut or I will bulldoze you. Get out of my way.” I feel unsafe, like hearing a threat. I feel fight or flight mode. And I am thru with fleeing.

    I am not being addressed here, and so the energy of aggression is not even directed at me. But I feel it and feel troubled by it nonetheless because I am a part of this blog.

    I don’t feel safe. I don’t want my friends here to feel unsafe. I love you and I accept you exactly the way you are, but I feel strong, too. I want to feel mutual respect on the blog. I feel like someone is trying to turn me into a weak, scared rabbit to be run over by a bulldozer.



  269.  #269Simply Shannon on November 10, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Hi Linda! I’ve missed seeing you here. When I read Rori’s words about agenda, for me it meant an agenda with a man (or anyone really) where I’m trying to direct someone else’s life. To get them to do something I want them to do. Yes I have a plan (okay I’m working on a plan). I think Rori is all about people having goals (the out the window stuff). And the man I want will complement the goals I have for my life, my bridge, etc.

    So you’re clearing house huh? Do tell! 😉



  270.  #270Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    The birds, rabbits, deer, mermaids, and sirens have apparently gone into hiding on Siren Island. Where are they all? Do they sense a storm coming?

    I like sunny, warm weather on Siren Island. I like it when we play in safety as ships sail by in the distance.



  271.  #271Rori Raye on November 10, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    jenni, Welcome – and, unfortunately, there are a lot of men who do this out there…How about next time he calls you speak to him? “I’m feeling really confused…I’m feeling burned out on phone and email. Would you like to see me, or do you want to let this go?” Love, Rori



  272.  #272Simply Shannon on November 10, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    Brenda, 267 – no one can bulldoze anyone without their permission. When I read Daria’s words, I don’t feel threatened. I feel impressed at her strength. I know it’s not directed at me. And even if it was directed at me with my name written all over her posts (even if she called me out directly), I can still choose not to internalize it and instead ask Daria “hey girl, what’s up with all the negativity? You ok?” I don’t believe it’s about me so it’s not a threat. Why do you believe it’s about you or anyone else on the blog for that matter? Why do you feel intimated? It’s just words. Doesn’t have to change anything about me or you. Just words. Ya know?

    I don’t want to make you wrong here. I’m genuinely curious why you are internalizing her words.

    Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. 🙂



  273.  #273life_is_too_short_to... on November 10, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    270. Hey Brenda, not hiding here, getting ready for my CD, third date woohoo! he’s someone I think about him kissing me again, we had a little one last time. and seeing where this goes…so, this is good, and my mind off of u no who. and no, i am not intimidated when Daria goes on a violent jag in the least….it is what it is!!

    I love what you said about being child-like, very much

    It’s so funny, that was how I was being with EUM, and then he says, I don’t know where this is going, blah, blah, blah and put a damper on it.

    The only thing I said is that at this point in my life, I do know that I am in the market for someone to walk off into the sunset and grow old with. I did not say that I was looking for a commitment from him, but I did wonder if he saw us going anywhere and could never get a straight answer, so that made me feel uncomfortable.

    The good thing is that I truly am burned out on the phone, and really am losing interest, so if he doesnt initiate a face to face soon, he may lose out on me for good, if someone else claims me, the poor b*st*ard. I’ll always love him, though, like you love Ryan.



  274.  #274Simply Shannon on November 10, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    Sia – Haha!! I just had that thought this morning. I don’t think any of this discussion would be happening in person. At least not how it’s occurring here. These long posts of questions and discussion and picking apart each little sentence. I can’t even keep up with who has what stance about anything. 🙂 I want to ask “what are we discussing again?” and “what do you believe?” Somehow the human gets lost amid all the words and blah blah blah. Thank you for writing that! I feel relieved. I’m not the only one!



  275.  #275life_is_too_short_to... on November 10, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Shannon,
    I’m glad you wrote that wonderful description about leaning back and doing nothing and landing that great KISS….it’s going to help me tonight!!



  276.  #276BarbinOz on November 10, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Re Daria, well sometimes I just laugh out loud at her stuff I just find it so “wacky” for want of a better word and I mean that in the nicest way.

    And sometimes it is like beautiful poetry.

    And I am almost sure from my understanding of her scene that she listens to rap music and some of it is very dark and heavy and ANGRY. I know because my son used to be right into it when he was younger, all those “warning about the lyrics” labels on the CD and I do feel that music can affect your moods, it certainly does for me anyway.

    And sometimes when her riffs are GINORMOUS well I admit to scrolling right on past them as I just don’t have the time to read every word. 🙁

    But I always have admired her honesty…..even if sometimes it can be uncomfortable it is far better than being “Miss Nice” when you don’t really want to be.

    Signed by Mrs Nice but learning 🙂



  277.  #277Daria on November 10, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    SO EXCITED!!! I met this guy and he rocks!

    actually I ROCK!

    and all the guys ive been talking to are rockin!

    i can tell its cuz of me

    im brining out their wonderful side

    its amazing

    he said… well actualy i didtn expect you look soo good

    youre obviously a high status woman (WEEEEEE)

    and im just a regular [dude]

    hahahhaa

    omg

    this is off the hook

    he gave me a hug and picked me up off the GROUND

    and now hes texting me

    talking about where can we take this cuz im feelin you mama

    YAYYYYY

    omg I LOVE IT

    NEXT LEVEL

    I AM THE QUEEN



  278.  #278Simply Shannon on November 10, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Life, Can’t wait to hear about your experience and the great kisses!!



  279.  #279Daria on November 10, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    HES HELLA HANDSOME!



  280.  #280Daria on November 10, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    OMG____

    he just wrote: OMG!! IS HE READING THE BLOG!!! WHAAAA

    HIM: 🙂 🙂 🙂 you so damn soft
    ummmm I love it…………………..



  281.  #281Daria on November 10, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    WHAT IN THE WORLD

    OMG

    I FEEL SO THRILLED AND HAPYYY RIGHT NOW OMG OMG OMG



  282.  #282Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    Life,

    RE: #273 – You said to EUM, “At this point in my life, I do know that I am in the market for someone to walk off into the sunset and grow old with.”

    How did he respond? Did you ever get a straight answer? I think that is a good approach.

    Right on about him missing out on you. I am trying to take that attitude with Ryan, with some success.



  283.  #283Daria on November 10, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    DARIA SO HAPPY

    DARIA SOSOO HAPPY!!!!

    WHEEE



  284.  #284tinque on November 10, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    Daria, Daria, Daria – Dick Live pate? Sounds good to me.
    I really just want to say THANK YOU for recommending skin brushing. I LOVE it. It feels SO good.
    Can I do it on my face too? Will it work? I tried it but have to go gently, for it’s more sensitive than the body.
    muah
    xxoo



  285.  #285Daria on November 10, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    i todl him that

    now i feel embarassed and vulnerable

    weee

    i still feel good, just shaky and thrilled



  286.  #286Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    Shannon,

    RE: #272 – You said, “Brenda, 267 – no one can bulldoze anyone without their permission. When I read Daria’s words, I don’t feel threatened. I feel impressed at her strength. I know it’s not directed at me.”

    I did not say I felt intimidated or bulldozed. I said I am not willing to be made to feel that way. Partially I am practicing my feeling messages. I could very easily let it go. Partially I feel resentful because of negative, aggressive energy I often feel here coming from Daria. I feel weary of negativity and violence.

    You also said, “I can still choose not to internalize it and instead ask Daria “hey girl, what’s up with all the negativity? You ok?”

    I have seen you do this, and I really admire it. It cuts through all the emotion and drama to the heart of the matter, which is precisely what we are trying to do.

    You said, “I don’t believe it’s about me so it’s not a threat. Why do you believe it’s about you?”

    I don’t believe it’s about me. Not at all. I was just practicing my feeling messages by forming my words. When I speak feeling messages around negative situations, I feel most unsure. I want to become fluent to deal with aggression without fear. In my childhood, I bent over backwards to placate angry people, trying to calm them down. I am practicing not backing down in the face of aggression. This is coming out of my comfort zone.

    “…or anyone else on the blog for that matter?”

    I think some of it was directed at Jacqueline because she had just challenged Daria. I was not defending her so much as practicing. I have learned the hard way not to get in the middle of other people’s conflicts.

    You said, “It’s just words. Doesn’t have to change anything about me or you. Just words. Ya know? Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”

    I strongly disagree with that saying. I was deeply emotionally damaged by words growing up. Words are very powerful, and I want to learn to choose words that give life and love.

    What do you think and feel?



  287.  #287Daria on November 10, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    tinque – yes i do it with the same brush, but gently…

    some people get a softer brush

    I find it feels much better on my face if i also massage my scalp immediately after my face with a scalp massager – Moroccomethod (website) rubber one is the one i use – and brush it through with natural bristle brush – i also use Moroccos



  288.  #288Daria on November 10, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    Shannon – I find that words Do hurt as in the energy!

    and intent…

    i am of course using my intent to clear my energy field of any beliefs and stuff

    not meant for a PERSON… even when i call them out

    so i feeel good… weee KICKIN like a donkey!!!



  289.  #289Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    Shannon,

    P.S. I said, “When I speak feeling messages around negative situations, I feel most unsure. I want to become fluent to deal with aggression without fear.”

    In tense situations, in my every day world, I tend to overcompensate by returning aggression with aggression. I don’t want to do that. I want to feel confident in my communication skills to not react out of anger but to respond out of love.



  290.  #290Jacqueline on November 10, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Kdr…thanks again! Yes, you’re correct in the situation. I can’t get people in the door to be met by someone who won’t even show the model apt!

    Anyway, I talked to an old mentor and she said the same – get what you want now, or you won’t get it. So, it’ll be a deal breaker for me. Of course, that’s when he gets around to returning my call? smile….that he asked me to call him yesterday am., which I did ….and he hasn’t returned.

    Really appreciate you! I wrote Rori when I first came here asking about using this work in job and family situations, and she encouraged me that it would revolutionize ’em. So, I am very happy to have the input here.

    Best,
    J

    I read once if you aren’t feeling the love when they’re recruiting you – it’s never gonna happen.



  291.  #291Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Daria,

    I’m happy for you! Your CD is reading this blog??? Aaah!



  292.  #292Daria on November 10, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Tinque how i do it on my face is gentle outward circles from my chin out along my jaw, and then next level up going outwards from center of my face – not my eyes though

    Then, brushing long strokes from chin out to ear

    from nose across cheekbones, from center of forehead out and up…

    and then tiny soft soft circles on eyes INWARDS toward nose

    this is how Teresa Tapp recommends

    it realllyl works well on my neck to slim and lengthen

    brushing up on my neck

    not too hard of course i dont want to damage the skin etc

    i think the alfalfa should really help protect it too – with this for skin thats a bit dry or thin



  293.  #293Daria on November 10, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Brenda – no, he’s not, but he sounds like it!

    he said i feel so soft and he loves it!!

    WHOA!!!

    =DDDD



  294.  #294Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    Daria and Tinque,

    I just bought a natural bristle body brush last week at a health food store. I intend to use it as a back brush when bathing. I feel weird about using it dry. I have always heard the skin is so delicate. I don’t want to end up wrinkled, dry, and scaly in old age.

    Just to give you an idea, I heard of a youthful-looking actress at age 50 (I forget which one) said she sleeps on her back so her face is not even affected by the pillow against it!

    I feel a gulp of fear every time I see my Mom’s body, thinking, “Oh, no, that’s how I’m going to look 30 years from now! How can I avoid that? Or at least slow it down?”

    My current opinion, which is open for discussion, is to touch my face as little as possible. And I just think my skin is too delicate to dry brush it, even if it is natural bristles. I would rather cleanse my skin from the inside out, by eating foods that cleanse, that are high in water content: namely fruits and vegetables.

    When I was following the “Fit for Life” program, eating 70-80% fruits and vegetables in my consumption, my skin was clear and translucent. I barely needed moisturizer. I was so well hydrated.

    I am about to return to that program when I go grocery shopping. It worked for me before. I have strayed far from it in my coping with emotional pain. I want to be fit again. I feel so healthy and energized on fruit and vegetables!



  295.  #295Tina on November 10, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Holy mother of Goddess! my 28 yr.old karaoke buddy has a huge C lol. I saw and felt it last night 🙂 he was at an awards ceremony across the country, 9 hr flight, drove for the next 5 hrs and then landed on my doorstep. We didnt have sex but practiced kissing 🙂



  296.  #296Jacqueline on November 10, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    Mercedes – I read your saying you were struggling as if it applied to your actions in your relationship. I get that you’re working out the concept for yourself – is that right? and no, the rest was thinking about – we prepare scripts about how we feel, for ex. about our jobs so we can use them when we meet a man….and that’s cool. I just would never want to feel stifled in expressing my feelings without a script. But that was just me wondering – and it did kind of lead into we are supposed to express them, right? heee….

    @ Brenda – love the reframe!!! in # 263 – and Shannon, I say we teach people how they can and cannot be around us, and Daria’s very effective at it.

    Words of course can hurt – they can wound forever. And I could easily typecast Daria and I could also blow her words off because I did so.

    I stay open to her because of those moments when I am amazed by her voice – and I question her about her voice, as well when it disturbs me.

    It’s not a big deal, not a fight, not an attack – I think that’s clear; I’m surprised it even is being spoken of that way.

    And I appreciate it when others – like Brenda – want to keep the anger and violence down here. Or, when others help clarify ideas, like Mercedes.

    And, Shannon- I totally would be having this conversation with friends in person – I often ask people why they do something, or if they’ve considered an aspect of it, etc. And I’ll especially address behavior that’s not directed at me if it’s behavior I don’t want, or I want to understand.

    So, we’re just very different people. Good to have lots of different people around to learn from.

    The LOVE GODDESS GROOVING….on a sunny afternoon…oh, there’s a song about that!

    Happy day today yall!

    J



  297.  #297kdr on November 10, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Jacqueline,

    You wrote: “Really appreciate you!”

    What a sweet thing to say. Thank you.

    kdr



  298.  #298Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    One thing I really appreciate about this blog is it enables me to see myself more objectively. When I write my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, they become black and white. There is something about seeing them “published” in a “public” place…hmmm, are they from the same Latin root phoneme? Never thought of that! Yes, they are!

    I get clarity internally just from reading my own words. Then I get further clarity when other people express their beliefs, thoughts, and feelings about my words.

    Also, I am a more visual learner than aural. So when I SEE feeling messages, it is far easier for me to remember what to say when the moment arises that I need them! Life’s a play you can’t rehearse! But we are able to rehearse at least to an extent on this unique blog! I really appreciate the opportunity Rori has given us to learn, grow, and practice! I like it when I can change my internal self. I want to be the best me I can be!

    Thank you all for your contributions to my growth! 🙂



  299.  #299Daria on November 10, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    Tina – I KNEW you were getting it on with Karaoke buddy! tell us what really happened! (in your imagination )

    wow he’s my age lol! whats his Dad look like tell him to call me lol JK!

    so no getting it on yet hehe

    I feel excited high 5 TINA!!!



  300.  #300Simply Shannon on November 10, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    Hmmm… words. When someone calls me a bitch, it’s just words. It only becomes real if I internalize. If I make the word real about myself. Same as if someone calls me a dinosaur. My response can be “yes I give validity to that statement by feeling enraged at the label dinosaur” or “Really? A dinosaur. No I’m not a dinosaur”.

    You’re a horrible nasty ugly person.
    -Really? No I’m not.

    You’re a dinosaur.
    -No, pretty sure I’m not.

    You’re a fat bitch.
    -Nope. Neither of those labels feel right to me. Why do you say that?

    You’ll never amount to anything.
    -I amount to everything.

    You have no idea what you’re talking about.
    -I know exactly what I’m talking about.



  301.  #301Simply Shannon on November 10, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    Yeah Tina! Tell us more. I shall live vicariously around that huge c*ck. Purrr! 😉

    Brenda, And brava to you for sharing your feelings. I don’t mean to squash that in you. I was trying to challenge you a bit. Curious what you were thinking. Thank you for answering me! I feel bad for assuming you needed challenging. 😀



  302.  #302Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    Shannon,

    This is a healthy treatment of negativity directed at you. And I agree as far as that goes.

    I think about how in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. He spoke, and it was. I believe the ultimate reality is the SPOKEN WORD of God. Human beings were created by words!

    I am reading the book, “The Power”, by the same author as “The Secret”. It talks about bringing things into being with words!

    I don’t have to internalize words, but I like their effect on me when they are positive words and get internalized and change my life!!

    I will also add as a child, we don’t have the ability to filter what comes in our senses so easily. As a child, when I was told all those nasty things, I believed it. I don’t let stuff in anymore, but I prefer positive input.

    Take music for example! Think of the powerful effect on people and animals! Music and its lyrics can “make” you want to dance! Cry! Shout! Skip! And so on. I want to dance.



  303.  #303Daria on November 10, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    I feel tired now of the giddy feelings… i’ve told Mr. Youre so Soft that im gonna relax for a bit… bye papi

    I see now this is the time for… Rest…

    mmm

    Wonderful Intense feelings can feel overwhelming



  304.  #304Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    Shannon,

    Challenge away! I love exploring your mind, heart, and spirit! You have a lot of neat insights! I don’t mind.

    To me, a lot of the process on here is to vicariously see the headlight out on the car of “me” through YOUR eyes, since I have a lot of blind spots from within myself! It helps me figure myself out when I read how people perceive me, etc.

    But I dig your comment about living vicariously thru Tina around that big c*ock! LOL! 😆 Me too!



  305.  #305Tina on November 10, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Daria, me too lol I feel excited about it though 🙂 he went shopping for condoms today lol. Last night was like a half a booty call lol. I gave him the speech lol but I was thinking yeah to hell with the speech, I’ll deal with all that stuff later lol. I met his father and no lol. Nice guy though.



  306.  #306Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Daria, you got your man fix! Go enjoy your high! 🙂



  307.  #307Tina on November 10, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    Well, he messaged me on his cell and asked me if I wanted another back rub, I said uh huh. He lands on my doorstep, he said he was tired, poor baby. I leaned back, he is mostly feminine energy or I should say a combination of the two. He said he was tired but that if I wanted too , he could do it for an hour or so 🙂



  308.  #308Senior Lady Vibe on November 10, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    @276: BarbinOz says:

    “…..even if sometimes it can be uncomfortable it is far better than being “Miss Nice” when you don’t really want to be.
    Signed by Mrs Nice but learning…”

    Don’t worry, you can be nice to me as much as you want. I like nice. I’ll be looking for a man who is nice.

    Nice on. 😀

    How is the cig slow down coming along?

    SLV



  309.  #309Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    I just reconnected with a precious friend of 20 years, who I’d been out of touch with for 3 years! We have been emailing like crazy, and I asked her if she could give me her perception of my social/emotional path over the past 20 years. She kindly obliged, and it really helped me be more objective of myself:

    Brenda,
    I really wasn’t around you all that much at home, or in any kind of social setting, for most of the period I/we lived at Zion Rd. For the most part, during that period, you appeared, to me, to be somewhat shy, extremely quiet, withdrawn, and somewhat depressed, I thought. My overall impression at that time, was that you were extremely unsure of yourself, not really sure about who you were, were mostly hidden, unexpressed, and very unhappy. The prison relationship with Arnold suggested a male/female relationship without any physical danger, and one you could be in control of. I perceived that you were inexperienced, and/or had problems with male/female relationships in some way; and I thought that you were possibly a childhood sexual abuse victim. I felt that the complete kind of intense focus you were putting on inmate relationships over the years, was a choice that was keeping you from living the kind of life that most women your age usually live.

    There were gaps, of course, in the times I have been around you, over the years; but, it seemed to me that the shy person almost suddenly disappeared, after you made the decision to have sex, lol! It seemed to me that you had decided to deny yourself what most people were regularly enjoying; and really got into this new enhancement, as it were, lol. Even though you seemed to have leaped out of the shy, quiet, mode, I noticed that, from things you have told me, that you were still not having committed relationships with men.

    Although there was committment with Kenny, the marriage to Kenny was, of course, a huge mistake; not because he is an Inmate, but because he is controlling and abusive, and because of the other things you told me about. Getting the divorce was very wise. I am guessing that, at least part of the decison to get a divorce, is the fact that you want/need the romance and physical thing.

    Overall, I think you are on the road to discovering you are, pulling those hidden things out, expressing yourself, and asserting yourself; moving toward being ‘Brenda without shame or apology’.
    You are still, however, dealing with the results of making snap, uncareful, choices and decisions; and some level of self-sabotage. This is still in operation at times; and I think you are also, somewhat, stuck in a kind of limiting yourself; and even limiting God at times.

    I am still processing this.



  310.  #310Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    Daria, you still wanna do that stranger thingy?



  311.  #311Luzy on November 10, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    OK so tomorrow I have a date after being almost a month on “Siren School”. This guy seem to be so impressed with me he tells me he can’t wait to meet me etc.

    We will meet for coffee at a local bookstore, just relaxed and see how it goes.
    I have been talking to several guys this is the one so far who has asked me out and been being the “man” and lead. The others do not seem to like me leaning back and letting them lead. One of them said That I seem not so interested because I never mentioned to meet in person. I am waiting for them to show interest without me being the one doing the work and taking the initiative as usual… Oh well 🙂



  312.  #312Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    Feeling proud of myself and a bit nervous. I just sent a long msg to TN man, with a lot of feeling messages in it. I really did Express, not Impress. And I have no idea what the outcome will be. I was very open and vulnerable, and didn’t try to control or manipulate anything with my words. Just expressed my true feelings and thoughts about everything.

    I was going to just make a decision without expressing all my feelings, but I got to a point where I felt I really wanted to just open up and let him know what’s going on in my heart.

    So, we’ll see what happens next. feel a bit anxious, tired…. wishing I just had my one and only….



  313.  #313Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    I also wish I could just do this thing without reservation and enjoy it.



  314.  #314Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    I’m tired of holding myself back from doing fun things because of anxiety. 🙁



  315.  #315Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 4:30 pm

    Lucy,

    Good job sending feeling messages to TN Man. I hope all goes well for you!



  316.  #316Simply Shannon on November 10, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    (((LUCY))) I’m sorry you’re dealing with anxiety. Would it help to write about? To write what makes you feel anxious, either about this situation in particular or just in general? Just to give words to the big boogie monster called “anxiety”. I don’t know. Would that help? Sometimes I find once I acknowledge that feeling and turn the light on around it, it becomes a little easier to deal with. Helps me to see that the monster wasn’t so big and scary.



  317.  #317Simply Shannon on November 10, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    Or thank you anxiety for protecting me from something that might not feel fun, even if my brain thinks it will be.



  318.  #318Daria on November 10, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    Yay Luzy!



  319.  #319Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    Thanks Brenda and Shannon.

    I don’t really know why I feel anxiety.

    I don’t think it is protection, Shannon. I feel it whenever I am thinking about doing something new — no, that’s not entirely true…

    I did not feel anxiety about meeting WH and driving with him to a beach adventure, even though that was something new.

    I DID feel anxiety — remember, Brenda? — going to Wilmington with Brenda for that singles event.



  320.  #320Daria on November 10, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    Lucy – thank you for asking… im cooking some stuff right now… ill let you know when im ready and see if you want to do it then… k?



  321.  #321Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Lucy,

    Yeh, you said you were out of your comfort zone.

    How did you feel after? I know we both had a good time. But with those two or three men hitting on you, did you feel overly vulnerable? Would you do another one?



  322.  #322Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Okay, Daria. 🙂



  323.  #323Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    Well, lol, I only felt one man hitting on me, even though you said there were others — was I oblivious to it??

    I felt pretty good after the first 20 minutes or so (maybe bc of drinking?) and yes, I had a good time. I would do it again, but I think I would feel the same anxiety again. I wonder why that is, when I didn’t feel it meeting WH?



  324.  #324Senior Lady Vibe on November 10, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    @313: Lucy says:

    “…I also wish I could just do this thing without reservation and enjoy it….”

    I say I can enjoy thinking about something and I don’t have to do it THIS TIME, maybe I’ll do it NEXT TIME, maybe not. I’m fabulous and I get to change my mind about what makes me happy…

    SLV



  325.  #325Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    SLV, that’s a good point. It’s not necessarily now or never.

    However, I still feel like anxiety holds me back from too many things overall.



  326.  #326Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Okay, I love my anxiety….?



  327.  #327Apple Jacks on November 10, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    “However, I still feel like anxiety holds me back from too many things overall.”

    Hey Lucy, I am the exact same way. Always have been since I came out of the womb. My father used to be that way too. I got it from him. Could it be that we are just the kinds of people who are born that way and that there really isn’t anything wrong or explanation? Maybe we’re just hypersensitive to our surroundings and just need to put in a little more effort to doing things that are new? I’m mostly talking to myself here…but if it resonates with you at all…?



  328.  #328Apple Jacks on November 10, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    And yes, love your anxiety hehe. I know that’s hard to do. I’m having anxiety typing this out!



  329.  #329Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    Memory… In fourth grade, the music teacher asked me to take the lead role in the school musical. I really wanted to do it, but I said no because it made me feel too anxious just thinking about doing it.

    So I was just in the chorus. And the whole time, rehearsals and performances, I wished I had been able to do the lead. I felt sad.



  330.  #330Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    Thanks, Applejacks.

    “Maybe we’re just hypersensitive to our surroundings and just need to put in a little more effort to doing things that are new?”

    I think maybe that’s true, but I don’t like it. It’s too hard.



  331.  #331Apple Jacks on November 10, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    Hi Lucy,

    it is hard. And that’s so annoying. But what i have noticed throughout my life is…whenever there is a new venture I am, seeking that I am very very anxious about, when I go through with it, the pay off is a huge feeling of triumph and exhileration. It feels SO GOOD and it always happens with the things I am most anxious of (not dangerous things of course). It’s just something I’ve noticed for myself. But it is hard. The anxiety borders on h*ellish debilitation many times.



  332.  #332Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    Lucy,

    RE: #323 – There was the all-over-you-trying-to-get-you-to-drink-more guy; the next-to-the-bathroom guy, and the musician! 🙂 All wanting to get next to you! LOL! 😆

    That’s three!

    Maybe it’s the fear of the unknown? When you were going to meet WH, you already had connected with one man, and you were excited to go to the beach, and you already felt safe with him. What do you think or feel?



  333.  #333Apple Jacks on November 10, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    I remember before I started junior high, I vomited for a week. The school was so big and I just came out of the fifth grade!



  334.  #334Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    Lucy,

    You said, “Ok, I love my anxiety?”

    That was weak! 🙂 I’d offer to do the stranger exercise with you but I’m about to leave the computer for a while. Maybe you and Daria can do it together!



  335.  #335Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    Hi Sirens
    I am facing my first real love dilemma since I left my ex 2+ years ago. I feel so shaky and lonely. I just might write Rori for the first time ever, if I could just put into concise words what is going on.

    But…I think…I don’t want anything serious with LI anymore. I did until I spoke to him yesterday, and I told him I wasn’t feeling courted and I don’t want to have to figure him out when he’s acting weird, cuz it’s like he expects me to be psychic when he says or does one thing while actually thinking another. He said, thank you, sometimes I need you to remind me to court you and step up. But if this man is telling me that he has to be reminded to act right, I don’t want to be with him. I should believe him.

    And anyway I don’t trust a man for something serious who doesn’t call for 5 days without explanation until I chase him down. We’ve been dating for almost a year and that is just not ok with me. He knows this because it’s happened twice before and I made it very clear it was not ok. In fact, we nearly broke up over it.

    I am tired of all this. During the time that he went MIA, my skin was clearing up, I was getting things done in my life. Then I got on the phone with him and felt hysterical. My skin started breaking out. I couldn’t focus after the conversation.

    THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT.

    I feel so sad and lonely.

    I guess I need a speech.

    “I heard everything you said on Tuesday about needing to be reminded to court me and make me a priority, and that’s OK but I am not ok with this in my life. I am also not OK with not hearing from a man for many days on end without explanation. I don’t want a serious relationship that is like this.”

    I mean, I already told him last night I was for sure going to see other men to keep myself sane, but I just want to do this the “Rori Raye Third Way” right. I want to be honest that right now I don’t want what he’s offering. But at the same time, I would love for him to make it all better, and offer me something I do want. I guess I’m attached to the outcome there.

    F*ck.

    SIrens!!
    I feel really upset!!:( I am crying and I feel so alone. I have literally 1 girlfriend I can talk to and I can’t talk to her any more about it. Gotta respect her free time. All my guy friends disappeared when I got a boyfriend they were introduced to (go figure).

    I go through the contacts in my phone and there’s NO ONE to call or text. Except LI.

    I wish I had family to call:( I miss my mommy:(

    I guess it will be good right now to cry alone and not be so afraid of it.



  336.  #336Apple Jacks on November 10, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    Then high school was even bigger. Then college….*shruggs* life just keeps getting bigger and more expansive.



  337.  #337Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    (((Dorothea)))

    Tight, tight hugs!

    Love,
    Brenda



  338.  #338Apple Jacks on November 10, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    Well, I confirmed the meeting with understanding guy for friday like I said I would to him today. He texted me asking, “Friday then?” I replied, “yes.” Then I went to my inbox, looked at his message, and affectionately stuck my tongue out at it.



  339.  #339Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    Brenda, the all-over-me-trying-to-get-me-to-drink-more guy was the only one I knew was hitting on me. Lol. I guess the others were a lil too subtle for me…

    Yeah, maybe it is a fear of how I am going to feel around new people. With WH, I did feel so safe before even meeting him for some strange reason. I knew I was going to feel good with him, nothing but good.



  340.  #340Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    Aww, HUGS, Dorothea.



  341.  #341Apple Jacks on November 10, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    I wish I had family to call:( I miss my mommy:(

    :(:(:( That broke my heart. It’s not the same I know, but you have us too, Dorothea.



  342.  #342tinque on November 10, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Thank you Daria for the face brushing tips.
    Actually Brenda your thoughts about the skin on the face stems from old wives tales. Among the things you already know I do, I have also been an esthetician for the past twenty years specializing in a facial massage that tones and tightens the muscles in the face (sadly I can’t do it on myself). The massage is not light handed at all. It feels amazing, but it’s a DEEP massage, and it helps stimulate collagen and thicken the skin as well as tighten.
    I have one of the most sensitive, thin skins ever, and this technique is fabulous for this type of skin. Which is why I know that brushing the facial skin is also going to be great for my thin skin. You don’t want to abrade your skin, but it can take much more than you might think. Since the bristles on the brush you have are on the coarse side, you want to be gentle, but you don’t need to baby it either.
    xxoo



  343.  #343Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Thanks AJ. It’s not the ‘same’ but it’s still wonderful.<3



  344.  #344Daria on November 10, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    “old wives tales” are the wisest tales



  345.  #345tinque on November 10, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Dorothea – I don’t know what to say except I feel you.
    It seems from all you’ve spoken about him is that although he has some wonderful qualities, with some things it’s just no there, and this seems to frustrate you big time.
    Are these things deal breakers? Something to consider.
    Are you wanting the role of telling him how to be or remind him when he slacks?
    Anyway, big hugs.
    xxoo



  346.  #346Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    I would say yes to what TN man is proposing — without hesitation — if it didn’t basically involve tricking my son. I feel anxious about that part.



  347.  #347Apple Jacks on November 10, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Dorothea,

    *Big smile* Lots of hugs and many many good thoughts your way.

    Tinque, I resonate with what you said about the skin. I used to suffer from acne and I found an esthetician five years ago and she was anything but gentle on my face but to this day, I don’t not break out the way I do and my skin has been aging really well.

    I’ve also been skin brushing for quite awhile now. Well…on and off for two years and the effects are magnificent. I just did a micro on my face when I was in Cali in September. It was exactly what I needed.

    But the skin actually needs to be stimulated and helped along for it to function at the most optimum level. That’s what I learned. It cannot do it by itself, the cells need to renew and turn so it stays fresh, clean and healthy. Skin brushing, chemical peels, massages are all actually very ancient ancient techniques, but I know you already know that. 🙂 I was told that if you can’t exercise, skin brushing is very useful as it keeps the skin and muscles toned.

    I love reading about how Cleopatra used to bathe in milk and wine because of the acids in them that are yummy for the skin.

    Sorry got all boy voice…I love talking about skin care. I like to call it, skin healing rather than skin care personally. Yay for skin healing! 🙂



  348.  #348tinque on November 10, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    Apple Jacks – and Lucy, anxiety is fear. This is not something we’re born with. It’s learned. Yes a more sensitive being will be more prone to take anxiety on as a coping mechanism. And yes maybe it won’t necessarily be overcome (though it’s a possibility), but you can learn to work with it. AJ”s example as case in point. Doing whatever it is anyway. And then you get to see first hand that it wasn’t such a big deal after all or at least doable.
    xxoo



  349.  #349tinque on November 10, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    Blush, Daria. Yes old wives tales are the wisest. How about instead fallacies?
    xxxoo



  350.  #350Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    Tinque, nope. These are deal breakers for serious commitment. I want to be inviting to still date him, but I want to take serious commitment off the table on my end. I suppose I don’t have to say anything at all. Probably it’s just more for me so that I feel obligated to stick with it. I guess I won’t say anything?

    The thing is, I don’t want to hear “I love you” anymore from him. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I need to say it back. I do love him, but I feel like I am giving my power away or offering him unspoken considerations like exclusivity or not “hurting” him by dating other men. And anyway, I’m not feeling particularly loved.

    I just want new ground rules for me and him. I wish I could just start over.

    I know Rori Raye’s third way applies here, but I have never used it before. I need some guidance.



  351.  #351Apple Jacks on November 10, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    Tinque – thank you about the anxiety post. I feel you’re right. It must be learned because fear is not something that we are naturally born with. I need to meditate on this.



  352.  #352Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    Mercedes,

    ” Katarina offended me…at that point, I’m really not about making her feel good. I’m about telling her what I think…and I did.”

    No I didn’t offend you, you were in a defensive (warfare) mode so you read into my statement something that wasn’t intended to and trashing altogether the good intention I had when writing that post. But of course you said you wouldn’t take any advice from me…so there you go.

    But that’s okay we all do that from time to time. 🙂



  353.  #353Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    Tinque,

    “Doing whatever it is anyway. And then you get to see first hand that it wasn’t such a big deal after all or at least doable.”

    So I should say yes to TN man coming with his gf? 🙂



  354.  #354Apple Jacks on November 10, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    So I should say yes to TN man coming with his gf?

    Lol, Lucy how do you feel at the tought of doing this? Do you feel smiley, giddy and all aglow or does it make you feel all sorts of icky and obligation? How do you feel in your chest, between your legs, in your tummy at the thought of the threesome?

    Sorry for interjecting, I am just really curious because of the smiley face after you asked the question.



  355.  #355Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    “The only other thing I can possibly think of that would have felt good to say was “What in the world makes you believe you are in any kind of position to tell me what to do?” but that didn’t seem right…so I said what popped into my head next (or first…can’t remember).”

    That’s how judgmental you are.

    What position do I have? Life experience the way you do when you bf cheated on you and the resulting processing that went through with it. Sorry to bring that up, but I’m just illustrating a point here. You think you’re above me (anyone else) just because you’re in relationship (that wasn’t perfect to begin with and before you get defensive about this: no relationship is!).

    Chill…. I’m just offering a perspective. Loot at the message and take it for what is worth, forget the messenger if the message makes sense. Deal?



  356.  #356Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    Dorothea, I wouldn’t be okay with no word from him for 5 days either. Especially if it happened more than once. It reminds me of a boyfriend in college (not the one I was engaged to. Before that). I kept brekaing up with him because of it, but he kept talking me into getting back with him (very charming). It was too painful and I couldn’t really break away, so I actually transferred to a different college! (the one my sister was at, which was also closer to home, so it was all good.)



  357.  #357Renee on November 10, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    Dorothea — I’m sorry you’re feeling so sad, lonely and confused right now. I have no great words of wisdom for you, but just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you…



  358.  #358Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    Applejacks, the smiley face was bc I think Tinque probably didn’t foresee that application of her advice, so I feel a lil mischievous.

    How do I feel at the thought? I don’t feel icky and obligation at all. But I don’t feel completely carefree either. I feel anxious, nervous, excited, intrigued.

    So if you take away the anxiety, there’s just excitement and intrigue, which would be a go.



  359.  #359Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    The thing is, Applejacks, I have been wanting sex with this man for three years…. lol



  360.  #360Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    SICK AND TIRED OF READING JUDGMENTS ON THIS BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I feel angry and annoyed…. fingernails scraping on a chalkboard…… shiver



  361.  #361Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    Katarina, a lot of us here see u as kind of a bulldog, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. Would you be willing to consider that, as you find yourself in conflict daily here? For example, “That’s how judgmental you are” is a pretty harsh, judgmental label to give someone. I get that you’re feeling attacked and judged and misunderstood, and I don’t want you to feel that way, but turning around and handing it right back is just escalating things. I think our goal here is to process through things. This requires a somewhat different way of communicating than you prefer, but you still wouldn’t be backing down from protecting/defending yourself all the same.

    If the answer is no, I will leave this issue alone as best I can. I definitely don’t want to bulldog anyone about being a bulldog either.



  362.  #362Luzy on November 10, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    So I was chatting with another guy and all seems fine until he asked me if I go to church. I said I am not religious and he was like “oh ok” no more messages after that. I am fine with it and I learned that men go for what they want in a relationship well so should I.
    I got more men to learn from in my in-box :p



  363.  #363Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    Luzy, yeah, that’s how it goes. One guy didn’t want me bc I don’t drink, and another guy didn’t want me bc I do drink. Lol.



  364.  #364Apple Jacks on November 10, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    “The thing is, Applejacks, I have been wanting sex with this man for three years…. lol”

    I can relate on some level, Lucy. I’ve been wanting the same thing with understanding guy for a year and a half and I’m going berzerk.

    Like you, I feel anxiety, excitement and intrigue too. These feelings can be so pesky!

    Gotcha on feeling mischevious at Tinque’s answer lol. Keep us posted on what you decide. Whatever it is, I’m feeling excited for you like whatever you decide to do…it feels like you’re on the verge of some new and bright adventure and I can’t help but feel very excited (I know I just said that) for you! Good luck, Lucy!



  365.  #365Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    Thanks, Applejacks!

    “Whatever it is, I’m feeling excited for you like whatever you decide to do…it feels like you’re on the verge of some new and bright adventure and I can’t help but feel very excited (I know I just said that) for you!”

    I feel fascinated that you said that, because it feels that way to me, too! Regardless of what I decide. I wonder why….

    It just feels like some sort of huge turning point or something.

    “on the verge of some new and bright adventure”

    I love that!! I will hold on to that. It gives me a very good feeling! Thank you! 🙂



  366.  #366Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    No Dorothea, I wouldn’t have thought so. I don’t feel I’m like a bulldog anymore than Mercedes, Jacq, Lucy, you or “the queen of bitches” Daria or anyone else here. But feel free to conduct a poll on that. 🙂

    I never attack anyone with (disguised) or without feeling messages. I don’t participate in personal wrangling of many around here. I don’t respond to each and every disapproving post of me either. Mind you, I didn’t respond to your very harsh email that SLV responded to either. Did you even notice that?

    If I was a bulldog I would have bit you in the ass and wouldn’t let go for that one. Correct?

    Yes something ticked me off the past week as it does daily with the women here. And I have no issue with Lucy anymore as we have started to talk civilly again with each other. You categorizing it as “always” seems unfair and amnesiac. How many times have you been in “conflict” with people here? Count those and compare them to mine.

    I’m feeling good with the way I communicate. I own my own voice and I don’t want to sound like you just so I can be accepted.



  367.  #367Senior Lady Vibe on November 10, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    @335 Dorothea

    I’ve found Rori’s “Don’t Let Go” post very, very helpful. You don’t have to make a big closure speech, you can just keep working toward your own goals, making yourself happy and keep CDing. Who knows maybe your current guy will surprise you, maybe there will be someone new who will help you do what you want to do…

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/marriage/dont-let-go-dont-resolve-forget-closure-and-stay-on-your-horse/

    I think music helps too. Do you have a few upbeat favorites? Blast away!

    SLV



  368.  #368Daria on November 10, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    =( my myspace account is messed up and jumps to some random guy’s music page now instead of my account

    =(



  369.  #369Simply Shannon on November 10, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    Dorothea, I’m sorry you feel sad and lonely. You sound just like me about the friends thing. I’ve been working pretty hard lately to establish friendships in my life for this very reason. When my ex and I divorced, I felt clueless and totally alone. A lot of my friends were “our” friends. And a lot of my activities were things we did as a couple. It felt weird having to find things to do alone again and friends on my own.

    Maybe just time to circular date? No girlfriend speech? Or maybe you already gave that? What did he say?



  370.  #370Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    Hehe. I just looked at my growing list of “commitments” that I have been making to myself (and keeping!) — and I feel amused that the most recent one I added a week or so ago was (does anyone here remember this?) —

    I commit to being thrilling for men!

    LOL! Well, yeah, TN man musta felt that vibe shift from across the miles! Can this be coincidence?????



  371.  #371Apple Jacks on November 10, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    You’re welcome, Lucy. I don’t know what it is but I’m just feeling very excited tonight. Your situation I guess I feel resonates with me on some level. Not entirely, but the though of doing something we’ve never done before…I don’t know just wow lol!

    Aww I think I have to get off pretty soon.



  372.  #372tinque on November 10, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    Lucy – I can’t answer this for you, but I do love what you did with my words. 🙂
    How do you feel about the prospect? Does it feel exciting yet scary? Are you compromising yourself to accommodate the gf? Things to ponder.
    You know there is another possibility here. You can try it out. New experiences can be mind and spirit expanding, but if at any time you feel weird or uncomfortable, you can back out or stop mid stream (no pun meant), get dressed and leave.
    xxoo



  373.  #373Daria on November 10, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    LIAR!!!!!!! I never attack anyone with (disguised) or without feeling messages

    LIAR LIAR LIAR

    LIAR LIAR LIAR

    LIAR!



  374.  #374tinque on November 10, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Dorothea – You are not obligated to return an I love you if it’s not there for you in that moment, or even if you want to revel in the feeling without having to respond. It’s quite liberating to get to this point.
    The rare time K spontaneously says it, I don’t always say it back. In fact I usually don’t. I say thank you and melt.
    xxoo



  375.  #375Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    Dorothea,

    And since Mercedes has the liberty to say whatever in her mind (read her posts, please), I mirror that too. So the phrase of her being judgmental is an expression of me calling a spade a spade and my honest feeling in that instance.

    If you’re being fair you would have addressed us both.

    “Mind you, I didn’t respond to your very harsh email that SLV responded to either.”

    I mean your very harsh POST.

    “Loot at the message and take it for what is worth, ”

    Now before LITS jump on this one, that should be LOOK. But LOL….



  376.  #376Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    Oh I am going to keep my mouth shut if I can here



  377.  #377Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    Daria, it’s not you personally. You know what I mean how the feelings around here are so intense….



  378.  #378Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    Katarina- I never emailed you so maybe you’re confusing me with someone else.

    Anyway, you said if you were a bulldog you would have bit me for saying anything…but you did sarcastically suggest i conduct a poll about it. You’re actually pretty sarcastic in the way you communicate. Don’t get me wrong, I love sarcasm, but it IS just turning around and giving it back and escalating things.

    Or maybe you aren’t being sarcastic? I could be wrong! But I am not going to do that either way. Why would I want to round up statistics to prove that your communication needs improvement? I want to help build you up and help you build other Sirens up, not tear you down or inspire you to tear other Sirens down. I just notice that you are rubbing a lot of people the wrong way on a daily basis, and it doesn’t look like any fun for you either…so I wanted to say something about it.



  379.  #379Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    “but if at any time you feel weird or uncomfortable, you can back out or stop mid stream (no pun meant), get dressed and leave.”

    hehe… (pun)

    Yes, Tinque, that is a good option.

    A year ago, when I was getting ready to go on a date with D, TN man and I were texting, and I told him I wasn’t sure I wanted to go on this date. He said, “Go, and if it’s not fun, leave.”

    Good advice, right? 🙂



  380.  #380tinque on November 10, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    Yep…
    xxoo



  381.  #381Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    hey katarina i didn’t see u correct email for post before i typed that up. kindly disregard!



  382.  #382Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    i think typing liar over and over in all caps is an attack

    or is this a joke?? haha. that’s funny i get it now!



  383.  #383Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    I admit my communication needs improvement. I like working on improving my communication. I feel happy when I see progress, both in how I feel about the way I communicate and in how people respond. Connecting feels good. Trying to connect and failing feels bad.



  384.  #384Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    Woohooo… my man has just sent me an email out of the blue: 🙂

    subject: miss you baby

    I enjoy our lives together – thank you for sharing yourself with me.

    I love you and can’t wait to see you!!

    E



  385.  #385Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    Katarina – sorry if I said always. I am feeling a little smothered by the Katarina vs. flavor of the day theme here lately and I was being dramatic. As a linguist I should know better.

    Sorry you’re feeling like shit’s unfair too. Honestly my intention was to guide you away from behavior that I perceive to be provoking situations that leave you feeling that way. In other words, I wanted to help. Because I have put you on the defensive instead, and that wasn’t my intention at all, I really want to stop talking about it now. A debate would feel horrible for me, and the thought of making you feel any worse or singled out or whatever bad feeling I am not identifying correctly here makes me want to cry.

    Would you be willing to please let this conversation between you and me drop, too?



  386.  #386Daria on November 10, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    Kayarina – I feel melty that you said that.

    The truth I feel like I see Rori as being stabbed in the back when you, Mercedes and Jacqueline post here without respecting Rori’s guidelines for the blog which is to use feeling messages, non judgement, and engaging in healing therapy with the other sirens.

    The feelings I have about this are like… Powerlessness and outrage and like deep sadness.



  387.  #387Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    wait! hey! I didn’t say always! did i? where did i say that?

    does this mean you have the monopoly on putting words in other people’s mouths and getting upset when people do it to you?

    i feel pissed if i didn’t say that! I’m not seeing it!



  388.  #388Daria on November 10, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    To me it looks like saying… Fuc*k your blog! Fu*ck your teachings, fuc*k your guidelines!



  389.  #389Daria on November 10, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    Dorothea I am doing unleash drama queen BIT’CH goddess voice. It has been quite intense the past couple of days.



  390.  #390Daria on November 10, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    The papi I met today now texted me… On my break… Hi

    Nikita he used to be a pimp ( goddess power right here)



  391.  #391Jennifer on November 10, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    What are we talking about?
    Sex.
    Got some.
    Well. More like got serviced
    BOOYEAH!!!
    My buddy J…I was msn-ing with him. I’m telling him I’m all tense.
    He’s like
    Come over for a massage.
    I was like….um…no, cause I’ll get too turned on and then have to go home.
    So he’s like…so I’ll eat you. No big deal.
    So…deal.
    Here’s the part where sirens get all judgy….
    He’s poly amourus.
    He has a wife. and a girlfriend.
    And eats me.
    And I like.
    His wife is like….Hi Jen…have fun.
    She’s fine with it.
    I get to practice recieving…..big time.
    This was hard for me….(pun intended) I kept feeling nervous before I did it…cause I didn’t want to go down on him…not in the mood.
    We talked it out. He’s fine with the idea that it’s not reciprocal. Really fine.
    Making me come is an ego boost for him.
    So now I’m feeling all rock star.
    Cause….So what? I’m still a rockstar….
    Then I went to judo…and judo man irritated the hell outta me.
    I’m feeling like….guy, how much touching me do you need to do!?!? Fer real.
    So I flicked him in the ear.
    I flicked the ear of a 2nd degree black belt.
    This is good…cause before I was feeling all tense…now I’m like
    you have no power over me…I don’t need to be afraid I’ll hump your leg cause orgasm is a phone call away for me.
    Chump.
    Then I got “dumped” by a guy on POF…cause I didn’t like email him fast enough or something.
    Idiot.
    I feel annoyed by that…but just a little
    I feel like….outta his league.
    And B might get released from the military…which is what they call it when they kick yo a$$ out for being useless.
    Guess Karma’s a BEYOTCH!



  392.  #392Jennifer on November 10, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    and just for the record.
    B SUCKED at eating pussy.



  393.  #393Daria on November 10, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    Omg Jen YU ROCK!



  394.  #394Jennifer on November 10, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    oooo……….Im a bad siren
    I’m being judgy
    What-EVAH!



  395.  #395Jennifer on November 10, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    hey Daria
    Thank you rockstar sister!



  396.  #396Daria on November 10, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    Jen is an inspiration sex goddess!



  397.  #397Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    Daria, not sure why you’re telling me you’re doing whatever unleash thing. I wasn’t talking to you/about you, just to be clear.



  398.  #398Simply Shannon on November 10, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    Jennifer! Haha! No judgment’s here girl. Okay maybe just one thing. You flicked judo man’s ear? <– I find it laughable that my feelings are triggered by you flicking his ear. (And nothing else about your post when I "should" be triggered right? LOL! Totally glossing over the rest but the ear flick and I feel all defensive and bummed. Hehe. I'm laughing at myself.)

    Are we gonna call this the winter job? 😉



  399.  #399Hadassah on November 10, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    Haven’t been able to post for a while because I have been ridiculously busy. Brenda – I have removed 13 pounds doing the smoothie shakedown so I highly recommend it to give yourself a jumpstart if you are still interested. And I think my allergies are bothering me less because I haven’t taken an allergy pill the whole time I have been on this detox.

    I think my bf is mad at me. And I don’t care. Not sure what that says about me, but I don’t care about that either today. Long story short, he is SO used to me just going to work and coming home with the baby. I mean, I can’t blame him – that is how it was for the majority of the relationship. But that isn’t how it has been since my fam got here a month ago!

    He came over Monday night. He initiated. He was very snuggly and gave me a neck rub and we cuddled a lot and it was great. No call on Tuesday. Then today at 3pm, he texts me asking if he can come over for dinner. Let me tell you how sick I am of getting this text. I am an only parent. I bust my butt at work 50 hours a week. I have to live very frugally because I make crap money at work. He is loaded. Gorgeous house, was laid off for a year and just waited until a job he liked came along, drives a brand new $50k BMW, has expensive hobbies like photography and rock climbing that he has no problem forking over cash for equipment on, etc. We have gone out ONCE since my mom has been here to watch my daughter. And I literally had to say, “why wont you take me out? Are you embarrassed to be seen in public with me or something?” because I was really starting to feel that way. He laughed so hard he about choked, but that is what it took for him to take me out that one time. I digress..

    Anyways, he texts me 2 hours before I get off work pretty much asking if I will make him dinner. Why can’t he ask to take me out? He has all kinds of money. I am starting to think the is a very selfish guy indeed. So I tell him I have dinner plans already tonight. Which was half true, my mom invited me over. Instead of me offering a different plan for a different evening, I left it at that and haven’t heard from him.

    He can and does literally make plans for everything else in his life – hiking, rock climbing, caving, going to visit his family, etc. Me? I get the last minute phone call or text. And I’m done. Since my mom has been here, I haven’t gone for it. Every single time he pulls this last minute crap on me, I tell him I have other plans. You would THINK he would figure it out that MAYBE, just MAYBE he should ask me to do something in advance. If it was important to him to see me and spend time with me, he would.

    I swear it is worse because he is very handsome and charming and smart and is used to women throwing themselves at him. I have never done that and I sure as hell am not going to start now.

    He doesn’t want to put a ring on my finger, but before my family moved here I was talking about moving out to where they lived and he did not like that at all.

    Now my parents are talking about buying a big enough house so that my daughter and I could live with them. It’s not what I envisioned for my life, but it would save me a LOT of money and stress. I was thinking about this today when they brought it up, and all I kept getting stuck on was, “how is this going to affect my relationship with my bf? It would be awkward if he stayed over. Probably no more lounging around half nekkid all weekend… No more snuggling on the sofa watching movies” and etc. Then I stopped myself. I thought, “why should I take him and the relationship into consideration? This would make my life EASIER. It would save ME money. It would save ME stress. If he wanted me to live with him and be with him and have a family together, then he needs to propose and we need to set a wedding date. Until that happens, we are just dating and I can’t allow HIM to have any say so in decisions that have a vast affect on me!”

    And it felt REALLY good to come to this conclusion. I made that horrible mistake once – gave up a full scholarship to grad school because I wanted to graduate and be close to my then fiance that I had no ring from, no wedding date, and no wedding plans being made. (I was 21).

    6 months later we broke up. No scholarship.

    Today, I would have a much better job, with hours I set, a MUCH higher income, etc. but all because I put being with some guy ahead of my dreams.

    Never again!

    And that’s my rant for the evening. 🙂



  400.  #400Daria on November 10, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    Dorothy – I feel confused a bit I was responding to the attack joke liar liar mention.



  401.  #401Daria on November 10, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    Jen ss – iLike the ear flick!



  402.  #402Simply Shannon on November 10, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    My CD is really stepping up. Texting me, calling me, asking me out for Friday, making plans. I complained about how bad my day has been going today with work. Then I felt bad for dumping on him. He texts me back “I WANT to hear about your day…”. We just got off the phone, and he tells me he looked at my pic during lunch and it made him smile. It feels good to know he’s thinking of me, checking me out.

    I wonder what he’ll look like to me when we go out again on Friday. I wonder if that face morphing thing will happen again. I wonder when he’ll kiss me. I wonder if the kiss will be deep this time. Purrrrrr.



  403.  #403Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    Tinque,

    RE: #342 – Thank you for the information on facials! I buy that about deep face massage. I know there are a lot of lymph nodes, sinuses, nerves, and very rapidly-healing, sensitive skin there!

    I will never forget how rapidly my face healed when I fainted and fell about 20 years ago. My face needed 50 stitches, mostly sewing back together my split lip (oww!).

    Personally, I will still stick with an exfoliating scrub for my face. And, I am very pleased that I just got a whole bunch half price! It’s “obsessively pure exfoliating scrub by Organic Bath Co.” I got pomegranate, white tea, and honey, three different bottles, with complimenting lotions. They are organic, rich in fruit enzymes and anti-oxidants with all natural ingredients!



  404.  #404Nikita on November 10, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Jen,

    (((((HIGH 5FIVE5 Baby 😀 )))))

    receive, receive, receive 😉

    Daria,

    hehe



  405.  #405Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    (((Dorothea))),

    Been thinking about you on the way home…

    I have learned the power of loss. If you break up with him, you never know…he might step up bigtime, without having to be reminded how to treat a lady! Sometimes separation will make or break a relationship. You have a lot of time in…it could be a very healthy move.



  406.  #406Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    Lucy,

    RE: #346 – Why does it need to involve tricking your son?



  407.  #407Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 7:23 pm

    Hey Apple Jacks!

    RE: #347 – When I first started with “Fit for Life”, my entire face peeled spontaneously!!! It was amazing! Then I had a huge boil grow on my back. My theory on that is toxins were being released, and the skin is a major organ of elimination! It grew for about 2 months, until it got intensely painful if anyone hugged me or patted me on the back! Finally, one day it broke. Pus oozed out and out and out, filling up multiple tissues (I was in the car when it happened).

    I know that’s kinda gross, but I described it because it was so amazingly dramatic what natural hygiene did! My body excretions did not smell! I felt fantastic! And come Friday, when I get paid, I’m going back on Fit for Life!



  408.  #408Lucy on November 10, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    bren, bc i can’t just tell him “hey i’m spending the night with them at their hotel.” i’d have to say we’re gonna hang out there and i might be home late so don’t wait up and don’t worry. and i’d have to call him in the AM and say Oh i fell asleep here. and i’d worry about him being suspicious and/or worried or upset.



  409.  #409Daria on November 10, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    Lucy – I’d just say.. we’re gonna be hanging out and I might want to stay there overnight so be aware. And then ask him to do something for you in the Am. Like wash something or prepare a certaiin breakfast (that usually changes the subject nicely).



  410.  #410Daria on November 10, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    I’ll be hanging out with them until late and I might wind up staying until the next morning. I need you to make sure the laundry is changed from the washing machine to the dryer in the morning and to walk the dog. What do you think?



  411.  #411Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    Jennifer,

    RE: #391 – You said, “I flicked the ear of a 2nd degree black belt.
    This is good…cause before I was feeling all tense…now I’m like
    you have no power over me…I don’t need to be afraid I’ll hump your leg cause orgasm is a phone call away for me.
    Chump”

    LOL! How angrily poetic! You go, girl!



  412.  #412Daria on November 10, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    on second thought i would just drop the directive coverup and go with

    Im gonna be out with them late and may crash over there.

    The end.



  413.  #413Apple Jacks on November 10, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    Brenda – # 407: I believe it. Raw fruits and vegetables do wonders for the skin and internal system.

    Lucy – I liked Daria’s suggestions regarding what you could tell your son. I can relate to the feelings of betraying family members and just feeling this shame. But, it’s totally healthy to have adult needs and a private life aspect. I don’t feel that you are betraying your son at all by exploring yourself, but that’s just me. It’s easy for me to say too but in my own reality, I totally relate to what and how you’re feeling. Sorry for blithering on there. I lov emy blitheringness.



  414.  #414Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    Hadassah,

    RE: #399 – Congratulations on your continued weight loss!!!!!!!!

    I just can’t afford it right now but I’m going to do fruit, vegetables, and protein drinks come Friday!



  415.  #415Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    Dorothea, I can take that feedback on sarcasm (and that was a response to your use of ” a lot of us”), but I disagree VEHEMENTLY on “a daily basis” charge. That’s overly exaggerated. I’ve been here maybe 5 months and only the past week I had a heated discussion.

    Daily basis (I misquoted you as “always” but it’s more or less the same)? Puhleaaaseee….

    In fact, I see many tick each other off on a daily basis even in feeling messages. Certainly not me.

    And I don’t like it when people act like they are an unbiased judge (umpire) without even trying to address the overall content of what’s going on. You obviously only focus on me and less on others or even your own behavior. That feels like a pot calling a kettle black. That makes you look like a less than



  416.  #416Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Lucy,

    RE: #408 – How about, “I am going to spend the night at a friend’s house. I’ll be meeting her at such-and-such, and I’ll be home at such-and-such am.”

    No lies. Not his business. You ARE meeting a “her”, afterall! 🙂



  417.  #417Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    oooppsss…got cut off:

    That makes you look like a less than a credible person to speak on the matter.



  418.  #418Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Katarina,

    I don’t have any issues with you. It seems we get along great cuz we both lovvve to talk about sexxx! 😆



  419.  #419Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    I wrote that before I read your last post, Dorothea.

    Let’s move on. I really don’t care much about what others think of me. But I do respond, alrite, when I feel like it (other times I don’t) so yeah I pick my battles. I’m sorry if that’s misconstrued as being defensive.



  420.  #420Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    Yes Brens, and I feel you are much more of a s*lut than me but that’s being said with much love and admiration. 🙂

    That’s why you were burned I think. I’ve never been gang banged, hon…!



  421.  #421Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    Hey Katarina, sorry for not being totally clear about meaning what I said before about wanting to drop this and not wanting to cause you to feel any more defensive or attacked or bad or whatever bad feeling it is i am identifying incorrectly. i was feeling confused and defensive myself reading words in quotes attributed to me that i didn’t actually utter but now i get what you meant to say by that. i still mean what i said earlier though. i’m lazy so i’m just gonna repost

    “I have put you on the defensive instead, and that wasn’t my intention at all, I really want to stop talking about it now. A debate would feel horrible for me, and the thought of making you feel any worse or singled out or whatever bad feeling I am not identifying correctly here makes me want to cry.

    Would you be willing to please let this conversation between you and me drop, too?”



  422.  #422Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    Daria, I feel much appreciation of Rori as much as you do. I just don’t feel natural to speak with feeling messages around the clock, especially when I’m in a discussion mode and I feel some things can better be said in non-feeling messages (candid and cut through the chase).

    However, I’m going to use your expertise on the matter to communicate with my lover(s).



  423.  #423Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    katarina, now *i* posted before getting the chance to see you writing something new. anyway, right on.



  424.  #424Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    Katarina,

    RE: #420 – LOL! I was never gang-banged! I watched it, tho. A woman lay on a bench while men stood on line fu*cking her. All I could think was “STDs!”

    But those days are over for me. I feel very sacred about protecting my body and treating it like a pearl of great price.

    I miss sex immensely, but I feel good about where I am at with my personal path and growth.



  425.  #425Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    I have a book, “Soulful Sex”, and that’s where it’s at for me! Even tho I never had all-out sex with Ryan, just played, my sexual experiences with him were most intense because we felt so connected soul-to-soul. How I miss that!



  426.  #426Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    I feel sick to my stomach about how things seem to me with LI but i could also just be a little starved. I never wanted things to be bad and i never wanted to feel/act crazy over this man and i never wanted either of us to feel so awful at times. what the hell happened? i am in the same pattern/having some of the same complaints as with the last guy i dated for more than a few months when it turned sour. These two guys are very different but doing much of the same frustrating things as i get more and more frustrated. it could be a coincidence or i could be triggering this behavior with some pattern of mine since I’M the common denominator with both guys.

    i want off this pattern bus. i have no idea WHAT the pattern is though. i just see one.



  427.  #427Daria on November 10, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    Feeling messages DONT FEEL NATURAL

    until they’ve been practiced enough to feel natural.

    ANYWAYS THEY SURE DIDNT FEEL NATURAL FOR ME

    I DID IT, SO CAN OTHERS! BLAH!

    ?YOU ARE NOTTT BETTER THAN ME

    ?yOU ARE NOT EXEMPT FROM DOIN THE FU(CKIN PRACTICE WORK

    DO THE FEELING MESSAGES OR GET KICKED otU OF CLASS

    HMM

    FRUSTRATION??

    GRRR

    I HATE POWERLESSNESS

    I LOVE MY HATE

    I LOVE MY POWERLESSNESS

    I LOVE MY WANTING TO SLAP STUDENTS AND THROW THEM OUT OF THE CLASS

    YOU DONT WANT TO STUDY!!!

    G?O GO G?O GO?

    GET OUTTA HERE!!

    GARRR

    blink blink

    it will feel nice to heal this FUC(KIN ANGELS

    FU(CK!



  428.  #428Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    Honey, thanks for your comment:

    People who are newly divorced go through a lot of emotional, mental, and practicle sh*t. They are under a huge amount of stress…divorce is one of the highest stressors there is. If he has children, they are going through a lot too. If a newly divorce person has been emotinally and sexually starved in their marriage, they are ripe for a rebound relationship. Does that mean you are a rebound? No. It is just something to be aware of. Either way, he is dealing with a lot and so are his kids.

    “Katrina, I am saying this to myself as well as to you cuz one of my CDs who is acting all crazy about me is 1 1/2 past initiating the divorce and 3 months post official divorce. Does that mean we should not be with these guys? No. But it is something to be aware of. Personally, I am doubling my efforts to stay in tune with myself.”

    Yes I’m aware of that. Thanks. That’s why we’re not jumping into coupledom with both feet. It’s a mutual decision. I’m not ready either. It will be stupid to do so despite the judgmental voice that questions that decision simply because we feel so much love for each other.

    “If you pay for your own flight and feel ok about it, I think it’s fine as long as he ASKS you. If he starts putting more and more expectations of you over time, then things are haywire. But I think you will FEEL this if you check in with your own emotions.”

    I always do. I won’t let myself tolerate things that make me feel uncomfortable.

    “My last BF started expecting me to do/pay for things without asking. I did it but did not pay attention to my emotions. This brought up a lot of negative emotion in me that I wasn’t aware of and leaked into the relationship in really bad ways.”

    That sucked…

    “SG is a new relationship. It feels great and that’s great. Just be careful because you want to keep it great. Keep in touch with YOUR emotions and what YOU want. There are some realities that you have to deal with dating a single parent that may involve some compromise of the ideal. As long as he asks and does not expect, and you are truly ok with it, I think it’s fine. But I’m sure Daria will disagree. lol”

    Yes, agree completely and that’s what I’m doing, word per word. I don’t know what the future holds. I’m not putting the carriage before the horse, nor do I assume anything of him. I’m just enjoying being with a man I’m speaking the same language with and it feels incredibly addictive.



  429.  #429Brenda on November 10, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    Sweet dreams, Sirens!



  430.  #430Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    Goodnight Brenda



  431.  #431Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    Brens, you gotta do what you gotta do. It’s your body, My body -and my whole being- tells me whenever I need sex I have sex. No guilt. No complication.

    I feel good about that.



  432.  #432lm on November 10, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    i just phoned a guy and it felt ok. i think i felt more wound-up about not phoning him because i ‘shouldn’t’. then he asked me on a date tomorrow. weird.



  433.  #433Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    432, so glad you stopped torturing yourself over ‘cuz you shouldn’t’. i have a hard time determining if my vibe over ‘i shouldn’t is genuinely to be avoided or the result of the discomfort and resistance that accompanies leaning back. i want to be able to make that determination more easily like u did!



  434.  #434Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    Jacq, I don’t know why you need to do the Rori’s tools in this matter. You’re in a business situation, you’re expected to act masculine.

    I would say you could say it nicely, “I’m excited to start working soon, however there are a few issues I thought I needed to bring to your attention because blah, blah, blah. Would it be asking too much if I ask you to blah, blah, blah.”

    That’s how I’ll do it if it really bothers me. But start looking for other more suitable opportunities too.



  435.  #435Senior Lady Vibe on November 10, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    @426: Dorothea says:
    “… i have no idea WHAT the pattern is though. i just see one…”

    I think the pattern is…sometimes “men ain’t sh*t.” I suppose though, a true siren would never say that… 😯

    SLV



  436.  #436Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    Nicole,

    “Can I ask you how you would suggest bringing a conversation like that up with him?”

    I feel lucky that SG and I have a lot of opportunities to discuss these things since he’s so attuned to the male/female dynamics. He’s responsive and a lot of time he offers his own feelings on the matter unprompted.

    I don’t know if your beau is the same way. Did you ever have a conversation during/after sex, for instance, that can give you a perfect pretext to air your opinion/wishes on the mater?

    SG and I often joked about his “fantasy” in being in a three-way relationship (2 women and him, he calls “trinity” and I call it “unholy trinity”) in which all the three are into one another and they will share a life together not only sexually but in every way (a polyamory thing). Then it would always follow that I would tell him how I felt about it…but always in a light manner infusing some jokes in that too like “You need to join the Mormon church” (just like the example in the email exchange we had).

    And later he would write me, “I think I know what is better than the “trinity” fantasy: you and I are in a part-time marriage arrangement.”

    Then I would say I’m not against it for now but I want the forever thing too.

    He’s trying to figure things out. I let him be. I let him own his doubts and issues and process them in his own time. I don’t assume anything of him (Oh he doesn’t really love me, he just wants sex! Or, oh he’s not my type for saying that!), that that’s what he wants now and forever, or that he will never change.

    At the same time I don’t assume anything when he says things like “We’ll marry the day your divorce is final” (he said that at the cabin only 3 weeks after we met).

    I understand what’s going through his mind. he’s in love but he has baggage he carried from past failed relationships.

    Find situations like that. Or be jocular about it when you see an opportunity arises like when you see a movie, read/watch news or hear others say about something related to the subject.

    The key is light and fun but you get the message across. Never get defensive about it.

    “And by the way, I think you buying a plane ticket to go see your guy is totally legitimate. I think people forget we are in the 21st century and women earn their own living. Plus, there is nothing more attractive to a man then independence. You show him you can take care of yourself, men like that. I think that as long as you feel comfortable in the situation you are in, then keep things the way they are. If you start getting a feeling in your gut something is not right, it’s probably not and you gotta deal with it front and center. But you seem comfortable w/ everything so far.”

    Thank you. Yes, your potential suitors will never be perfect, but you know in your heart what to compromise over and what not.

    The most important is balance. You don’t discount the right things he says/does just because you are bothered by certain things he says/does. And I always tell him the day I’m not feeling happy with our “arrangement” he will know it.

    So far, this man far exceeds my expectation. Maybe not in the money department (not every man is loaded), but emotionally I can’t find a better man to connect with. And that’s the whole point of relationship, isn’t it?



  437.  #437Dorothea on November 10, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    slv, i think the pattern is…plaid. polka dots?

    i’m having a lot of negative voices right now about how i’m the problem and i turn nice guys into retards blah blah but whatever.



  438.  #438Honey on November 10, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Lucy –

    A suggestion…what about telling your son you are meeting up with them some place kinda far. You can tell him that you’ll be drinking, and you might stay over night if you get too tired to drive home. And you don’t want to drive unless you are completely sober.

    See how responsible you are?!



  439.  #439Honey on November 10, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    Jen –

    LMAO! Love your posts.



  440.  #440Honey on November 10, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    Tina –

    There’s nothing like a big one!



  441.  #441Katarina Phang on November 10, 2010 at 9:08 pm

    And oh, he once asked me kindly what I wanted in return for all the joy I brought into his life. I told him I wanted a chance to have a child. He’s vasectomized so he said he couldn’t now. I said, “you said it was reversible with 70% of success rate.” He asked, “Do you want me to reverse it?” I said, “Yeah I guess, eventually when we get down to that stage.”

    He knows there is a “price” to pay eventually and he knows everything I need him to know. I just don’t say it in a demanding/pressuring kinda way.

    I don’t put pressure anymore on men, I give myself options instead and it feels so much more empowering. That’s what CD is all about.



  442.  #442Honey on November 10, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    Lucy –

    BTW, your son doesn’t WANT to know what you are doing and doesn’t need to know. All he needs to know is that you are safe and when you will be home. You are taking care of him by letting him focus on his own life instead of thinking about you.



  443.  #443Apple Jacks on November 10, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    From Honey to Lucy: “BTW, your son doesn’t WANT to know what you are doing and doesn’t need to know. All he needs to know is that you are safe and when you will be home. You are taking care of h