It’s Not About “Changing Him…”

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The Comment:

“Rori, many men do not process their emotions – instead they run from them.. and focus on work – material items such as cars.. or sex without commitment..

A woman need not change herself to be with a man.. she needs to learn about herself – her needs – and if he isn’t meeting the most of the time.. cut him lose…

Self-reflection – self-awareness – empathy for self and others..

no one can can change someone else.. it’s useless and if you have to word everything just so – to get through to a man… what’s the use.. it’s insulting to the feminine. Ann”

My Answer:

Dear Ann, thank you so much for your lovely, heartfelt and wise letter.

For me, there is quite a huge bit of amazing connection, words, body language, and authentic feelings being expressed between the points: “having to word everything just so”- and actually conveying the truth, which is NEVER about trying to “change” the other person’s behavior, and ALWAYS about the person who’s doing the expressing.

Communicating your feelings and needs in a way that provokes another person’s defenses, especially if they are prone to fall back to “safety” – does nothing to elevate a discussion or a relationship.

Communicating feelings and needs in a way that totally expresses love and respect for the other person, while totally expressing love and respect for OUR feelings nearly always results (assuming the other person is ABLE to hear) in being heard.

Once a man has the experience of feeling heard and “got” himself, a good man who may have fallen into shutdown and defensiveness and even anger, may change.

Just because he discovers that doing and saying things differently works better for him – he feels more love and respect – he may begin to open up his own abilities to love.

This isn’t a fairy tale. It can happen, it does happen, and we women, who, I believe, are smarter, more sensitive, intuitive, and wanting of connection and relationship must be the ones to begin.

Love, Rori

Ann’s Response:

I agree with the way you expressed your intentions in your response. And I am sure that at times, i express myself well and others not – as we all do, but if a woman or anyone has to continually monitor what they say to be in the correct way… then well, I can’t imagine tension she would always have.

At times, truth is truth and it comes out the way it comes out. Walking on egg shells and I detest that phrase as it’s so over used – is the worse thing you can do.

I am an empath.. and have attracted varying kinds of narcissists for all my life. I have always been trying to communicate better more clear, etc. And I am a very good communicator. Yes, better, wiser communication is always best, but what is this teaching women how to ‘get’ a man.. or to ‘act’ – ‘talk’ ‘express’ to get and keep a man..

At times, I find it insulting. If need to coddle and baby a man, like a mother didn’t – it makes me ill… and I turn off to him.

Sometimes, direct harsh communication is what will wake someone up.

Just my thoughts.

My Answer:

Ann, though I don’t know exactly what you mean by “harsh communication” – just the idea of it is not something I’d recommend.

The “truth” is often difficult enough. It can feel like a ton of bricks on our hearts, forcing us to sink down to the truth we never, ever wanted to veralize to anyone.

“Monitoring” ourselves is sort of the opposite of what I consider Feeling Messages and Modern Siren “communication.

When we “monitor” ourselves – it’s because we’re thinking strategically, and considering the “outcome.”

We are essentially planning the outcome.

When dealing with a narcissist, as you describe, that “walking on eggshells” can be about not wanting to “ruffle a man’s feathers” because we don’t want to chance losing him, or upsetting him.

And, yes, that’s horribly stressful.

This was me, and the only language I knew was “Puppetmastering.”

Simply being brave enough to say the truth, without blaming anyone!, and saying it solely through our own feelings, without opinions,blame, fault – anything other than feelings (sad, mad, glad, afraid, lonely…  and NOT “hurt, abandoned..or anything a man can “do” to us) is the most powerful thing we can do.

When it’s only us seeing what’s going on, we often cannot see it all.  We can only see what we see.

Sometimes it takes someone else to point out a different perspective, and help with words.

To see if there’s another way, an alternate to everything you’ve already tried – to Talk To A Man without walking on eggshells, and with truth-telling…having a great Rori Raye coach beside you is so helpful.

Take a look at Siren Circle Private Coaching program and see if 4 weeks of intensive, private help from great coaches, and the warm and brilliant Natalina Love available to you by voice messaging will be the thing that makes a huge difference for you in your love life:

Love, Rori


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