Jason Mesnick As The Bachelor – Understanding What Happened

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Okay – what drama.  What a shambles.  High energy Reality TV, a mess very much like what happens everyday with people  – men and women who get engaged to one sister or brother in a family and then want to marry the other, who move through life like they’re in high school.

People who don’t know what they want and who can’t find their feelings.

Jason finally found his – maybe.

If you don’t know what happened, this season’s The Bachelor picked Melissa for the win, for the wife – put a ring on her finger and declared his undying love and devotion.  6 weeks later, after some time together in real life (though not that much – this is show-biz, remember, and they had to keep it a secret), he lost his feelings for her, the communication and passion died, and – he says – she knew it wasn’t working as well as he did.

As he lost his feelings for her, his memory of his feelings for Molly, the runner-up he’d dumped on the podium just before he proposed to Melissa grew.  Molly dialed up, Melissa dialed down.  He couldn’t get Molly out of his mind.

And so – according to Jason, he was forced to dump Melissa on TV in front of us all.

And then, they brought in Molly, who he instantly professed his feelings for and asked out.

At this moment in time, Jason and Molly are dating, and she plans to move to his city soon.

And Jason – and Molly with him – is getting pilloried.  He’s being attacked for being a jerk.

Well – I’m not attacking him.  What did he do?  He did what any man would do – he followed orders. He could easily have broken his contractual obligations and told Molly beforehand, worked out a deal, and then, later, called Molly.  But no – they did it on TV. It may have been real, it may have been fake, Melissa might have known what was going to happen, she might have known a bit of it but been surprised by others – she and Jason emailed each other before and after – and it’s hard to tell.

And the only thing I know for sure and have a strong opinion on is this – Melissa – you should have kept the ring.

When I saw Melissa take the ring off her finger and hand it to Jason, who took it – I was appalled.

Now I understood why Melissa says she’s always the dumpee, why this always happens to her, and why she can’t get a relationship.

I don’t know what happened between them.  Something dried up – perhaps it was Melissa, perhaps it was just not a real good match deep down.  Perhaps Jason’s urges from his own self overcame the good judgment he thought he’d displayed with Melissa.  Perhaps Molly is the right woman for him and he felt compelled to turn her away out of fear – who knows.

Now, Melissa says she’s in a great place, she doesn’t regret anything.

But I do  know that if a man dumps you, you keep the ring. You sell it and buy yourself something really, really nice – like a car or a wardrobe or part of a down-payment on a house, or you throw it in the river, or you sell it on Ebay as “Melissa’s Ring” and cash in and give the money to charity.  The ring wasn’t a promise.  The ring was a gift.  And it was hers.

The thing is – how can we expect anyone to get a bearings on anything emotional in a situation like the Bachelor?  How can anyone get past infatuation and a HOPE that the person is who they think she or he is, or who they HOPE she or he is?

Here’s my take – I think Jason was wrenched between what he was attracted to and…what he was attracted to.

His body went for both of them, but mostly for Melissa. And his mind went for Melissa, and his sense of comfort went with Melissa, and his hopes for a family group were with Melissa.  She was the “appropriate” one – and she was the one who was most his “type.” She was a “DeAnna” type physically.   She was the nicer one, the cuddlier one, the most comforting.  She was homey and sexy. A “great girl.”

And Molly has an “edge.”

Her voice is a little grating, and she’s witty and combative.

She didn’t seem “right” to him on some level – though he was attracted to her in a more emotional way than he knew.

So – we can disregard whether this is all real or not – and let’s just treat it as if it is.

Jason swears he was in love with Melissa when he proposed.  I think he was filled up with Melissa’s “greatness” and his physical attraction to her, but then that just didn’t translate into “feelings” for him.  He says she would be the “perfect wife.”  “Loyal,” he said.  “There for you,” he said.

Well, that sounds more like a dog than a woman.  That sounds like your mother, not your wife.

He’d made a sexual connection with Melissa, and appreciated her incredible qualities, but he hadn’t made an emotional connection.

Somehow, he started to feel that Molly was easier for him to be with.  He took his energy from Melissa and gave it to Molly – so that when he finally saw Molly, 6 weeks later, she felt right to him still, and 6 weeks later, after spending 3 weekends together, he still feels right with her.

This is what Jason said to the Seattle Times right after the last show was aired:

Jason: Melissa is that person I thought going into it I would end up with. I guess in a way she’s similar to a lot of other girls I’ve dated in my life, which is part of the reason why I ended up picking her. It was just something I was so used to and something I always thought I wanted when realistically, there’s probably a reason why my past relationships haven’t worked out. What I really needed was somebody different and it was Molly.

He’s saying that for the first time in his life, he was able to see his toxic relationship pattern in action, and for the first time, he had the opportunity to shift that 180 degrees by switching to Molly.

He was Circular Dating on The Bachelor, and although he picked what he would have picked on the first night, he had enough time to do the complete opposite at the last second.

Let’s see if it works for him.  I’m personally pulling for him, and for Molly especially. And I’m rooting for Melissa to do the exact same thing in her life – to Circular Date now that she has some fame and visibility, and do something different from what she’s been doing up to now that hasn’t been working for her.

I watched the way Jason absently stroked Molly’s arm with his hand while they were sitting talking with Chris Harrison.  He seemed relaxed.

I watched them eating together – they seemed easy and relaxed – and what’s MOST important – he seemed more masculine than I’ve ever seen him.

So – let’s see what another 6 months bring.

The take-away from this is three things:

1. Don’t get engaged to any man when there’s another girl in the picture…unless you’re on TV

2. Don’t pay attention to what other people might think – do what you feel is best for YOU. Mistakes are a huge and important part of life.  If you’re not making them, you’re not really living full out. Don’t be afraid to reverse course no matter what anyone thinks, and don’t let your embarrassment stop you from changing your mind or trying something new

3. Don’t give back jewelry.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1heartbeat on March 7, 2009 at 12:00 am

    This post made me chuckle! 🙂

  2.  #2Linmayu on March 7, 2009 at 12:33 am

    I wonder about this. I wonder how it felt to be Molly, to be dumped for another woman and then have him suddenly change his mind and take her back. My gut tells me to walk away, to show him that he made a mistake that he can’t take back–because who knows if 6 months from now he suddenly wants something else?

    I also wonder what I’m going to do with my rings…

  3.  #3alias girl on March 7, 2009 at 1:09 am

    i’d actually like to me the girl (molly in this case) that the guy risks everything for. that he realized he’d made a big mistake letting me go and came back and professed his love. i’d love to be the woman who my man feels comfortable around and strokes my arm just to keep touching me. this post made me cry.

  4.  #4Katja on March 7, 2009 at 3:25 am

    Thats a great post. Even when I am not able to watch this show here in germany. There was something going on in my country like this with a german celebrity. Maybe you know him-a famous tennis player Boris Becker. Last summer he got surprisingly engaged to a girl named Sandy,a model he knew since her childhood (she is in her mid-twenties and he is 41!) but they were only a couple of months together as the annaunced the engagement. Then in november it suddenly went through the media that he dumped Sandy and was seen together with his ex Lilly (who was a long-term girlfriend before he got together with Sandy). The details emerged soon after and we learned that Sandy was the one dumping him although she was the one that said he was dumping her and she gave interviews saying how hurt she is and how rude he acted. We learned that she sent him a couple of text-messages that said “Where are you?”, “What are you doing?”, “Call me,I’m at home,lying sick in my bed.” and finally,when he didn’t respond, she wrote “Ok it’s over.Don’t contact me.I don’t wanna see you.” So she was the one dumping him! A short time after this he was seen again with his former ex Lilly,which is a really confident,beautiful,smart woman as far as I see. And one week ago he was a guest together with her in a german show and told the audience that they are marrying in june. He even said the exact date. And it was really noticeable that she is the absolute leaning-back type of woman and that he is absolutely into her. And he even said that living together with Lilly is so easy and fun. I just think we can learn so much from that. Even if you don’t know the persons involved you can imagine what drove this guy back to his ex and this bachelor post just reminded me of this story so I had to share it with you 🙂

  5.  #5Maria on March 7, 2009 at 8:36 am

    Katya, you can see them in youtube, l know it is not a sries, but some bits f it, so you can get a picture of their characters.

  6.  #6Maria on March 7, 2009 at 8:42 am

    Today l read a very good book, and one sentence was very meaningful: every failure is actually a progress. Cos it shows us, that there is bettr destiny for us and failure is just a sign, that we have to let the destiny direct us to our right path.
    New way of looking at things.

  7.  #7searchingwithin on March 7, 2009 at 8:55 am

    In my opinion, as far as the ring goes, I do think it is part of a promise, a spoken contract, and the ring represents the signature. In this instance I do not believe she should have given the ring back, she is not the one who broke the contract, he was. The ring is therefore hers, however, had she been the one to break the contract, she should return the ring.

    I love Jason’s response, and seeing his toxic relationship, and choice patterns, and finally doing something different. A big key to the puzzle, in my opinion.

    We follow those unconscious choices for a reason originating somewhere in our past, many times in an attempt to fix what was not fixed…then. But it keeps coming out the same. It’s like living “Groundhog Day” in real life. If you keep doing the same thing, you will continue to get the same results.

    Best Wishes

  8.  #8Katja on March 7, 2009 at 10:24 am

    Ah thank you,Maria. I just looked at it on youtube. And…I also read some of the comments there,saying “he is a jerk” and stuff like that. I don’t see him as a jerk. To me he is completely honest and a great guy. Yes,he is a great guy because he was honest to the girls and most of all,to himself. I see a lot of people only staying together with the person they chose because they don’t want to hurt them even when their heart is somewhere else. And what I saw from The Bachelor (and I only saw the final decision and what happened afterwards) it seems that the one he finally chose,Molly,is very confident and in touch with her heart. And the other one,Melissa,seems to be the nice girl,the girl that focuses too much on the guy,the girl that is very pretty,prettier than Molly at first sight,but the girl that is not in touch with her heart or not enough in touch with her heart. As he dumped her,she fighted the tears and even said the word “bastard” (I didn’t understand everything). That feels like loosing the dignity to me. And that holding back the tears or fighting them seems to me like she is stuffing her feelings. And it feels bad to read about that part that he thought about Melissa as the perfect wife…because thats what my man said to me once.That I would be the perfect wife. The thing is that guys don’t look for the perfect wife,the look for the perfect woman,a real woman. At least thats what I think.

  9.  #9Rori Raye on March 7, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    You are all so on the right track with this in all the different ways this is interesting and informative and helpful. Love, Rori

  10.  #10Seafox on March 7, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    Rori, The best, most balanced blog I have read on this. It certainly was reality. Melissa was a great girl but my favorites from the beginning were Molly and Jill. I never did think that Melissa was just right for Jason but there is so much we don’t see on the edited version of the Bachelor. I think Molly was more mature and was shocked at how impressive she was on the recent shows…….no anger and very balanced. I guess Melissa is already with a new man and very happy so it looks as if all three of the final participants are moving in the right direction. And by the way, Jason’s choices aside, Bachelor 13 has the best record of success with the last three people than all 12 Bachelor series before.

  11.  #11Ann on March 7, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    I agree with Rori about the ring. I didn’t get to see the last episode of the Bachelor this season. I saw where Deanna didn’t pick Jason on her show and felt so sorry for him. From what I’ve heard and read I lost some of my respect for Jason. I feel he should follow his heart but to publicly humilate Melissa was wrong in my opinion. All they had to do was wait a little bit say it didn’t work then date Molly if she wanted to date him.

    I like to watch this show but I don’t think I’d ever be able to participate in a show like that. That is if I was single and they had it for my age group. It’s all too rushed for me.

  12.  #12abc on March 7, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    this whole thing feels very shady to me.

    i know that a man’s feelings can change very quickly in a dramatic way, but i really did not see this coming. on TV, he looked so comfortable with Melissa, and that i “thought” i see his “masculine side” came out although he’s has such a feminie energy. Yet i believe him when he said that he’s really fallen for Melissa the moment he proposed, he did love her. i can see that, we can all see that.

    what bothers me is when they brought out Melissa on stage before he dumped her, she immediately went into “beating herself up mode” , she kept asking him, “what did i do?” “what happened? you haven’t been honest with me…’ “you didn’t fight for Melissa.” i feel bad for her. i i think in the 6 weeks, something must have happen, i don’t think anything dried up or anything to do with Molly. in fact, i think it has to do with Melissa’s own insecurity. when she was on Ellen’s show, she said she had that “gut feeling” that he’s pulling away. and i assume that she immediately went after him, went into her “masculine energy” instead of leaning back and work on herself instead of trying to “please” him and try hard to be a good wife and step mom. he probably got pushed out of the “buble.” and went into his “shell.” back to his feminine energy.

    maybe it’s just me?? Jason doesn’t seem very sincere to me. from the moment he asked Molly for a second chance, to the moment when he was asked by the host, “will you tell Ty (his son) what you did?” and he kind of “rolled” his eyes for a moment there–that i catched!! my feeling tells me right away that this is a man who’s not very in touch with what’s real and what’s not.

    although he gave a very “honest” speech and told us that he’s just “being honest” his body language looked very “player” and “insincere” to me–and i am not biased–i am not on anybody’s side.

    worse off, Molly is going to move to another city for him. this does not feel good to me. she’s leaving everything behind for a man who she barely knows and went with her “feelings.”

    also, Jason is not a man i want to be with. on the show, he constanly pressured the last three women to tell him how they feel about him. He even said that he had to hear their strong feelings for him before he can open up to them. it seems to me that he is a man who wants his feelings “taken cared of” yet when he found the one who’s willing to give him whatever he wants, he went with the one who had a hard time open up??

    whatever happens, we shall see.

  13.  #13alias girl on March 7, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    i feel very intrigued by this whole situation. partly bc i love boy/girl drama & chaos. and also i love romantic fairytales that come true. so this all feels exciting and great to me. i didn’t see any episodes of the show and i didn’t watch it all go down or ever hear any of them speak. but i like the storyline of it. if everyone is being true (i have no opinion whether they are or aren’t) then it all resonates with rori’s work. i read an article in people magazine. i feel interested. i want my exes to come back to me once they realize i am the one they feel good and comfortable with.and their so called ideal woman was just imaginary. 🙂

  14.  #14cookie on March 7, 2009 at 8:36 pm

    i love this post too, cuz it is drama and finally about somebody else so that i can have something else to think about. typical me, oh well.

    anyway, those kind of shows tickle me as it always seems fake and temporary. but who knows, i guess. my guy said that i have no faith in men. I said not true, i would want to believe that a man will love me totally one day. he didn’t respond, that was ok. so i would like to think that the matches made on these shows will last into whatever forever means. but the truth is that i am cynical about love sometimes. when i think about me and my guy, i think/thought he comes back to me because i’m ideally the type of woman that sounds good on paper. educated, career oriented, good in bed, loyal, faithful, blah, blah, (something like melissa and I feel that sometimes he likes me and thinks i’m a good person, but his heart isn’t in it) but the real me is shaky and wishy washy and non committal and a fighter, i think he sees that too. but i don’t know if he knows. i like what AG said about her exes coming back, wouldn’t that be the finest thing. I would be even better, if by then, I had found the man of my dreams, and was already in my happy ever after.

    i tried rori’s tool from last post, the one about forgetting every thing and seeing every day as a new day. I was beginning to feel bad today because I haven’t spoken to him in two days and today is saturday I should be on a date. and of course all the crap from the past slipped in but i stopped those evil nasty memories right in their track and went back to doing my thing. Yeah, me.

  15.  #15Linmayu on March 7, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    I wrote a little visualization today, imagining myself enlisting a huge volunteer army of men whose sole job is to help me put my heart back together in preparation for when the right one falls out of the sky. Really, this imagining is not far from the truth.

    There are a lot of good men in this army. Old exes, old friends from online games, people I didn’t fully click with on dating sites, people I *did* click with, male relatives, male co-workers, random guys on the street. All of them have enlisted in my army. I feel blessed and protected.

    I am a bitter woman, yes, with a hard, crusty shell…but these guys are hard at work with plastic explosives. That shell won’t last. 😀

    Ok, this has nothing to do with Jason but it felt right to post here anyway. I think because I visualize each of us Sirens as the Bachelorette in her own world, with men vying for her attention and one getting kicked off the island every week. 😀

  16.  #16Ann on March 7, 2009 at 10:25 pm

    OMGoodness Reshi I love your visualation. That felt great to read. I might borrow that.

  17.  #17alias girl on March 7, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    hahaha. big smile. i feel elated and touched at linmayu’s visualization. it actually kind of feels like that. like what you described. and i feel bad sometimes bc the army has to work so hard. and i don’t give them much. but then again, they don’t seem like the most together army. in fact sometimes it seems opposite. like i am here to train this entire army of men how to be kings.

    i suppose we are here for each other. i really feel warm and nurtured and nurturing reading your visualization linmayu. thank you for sharingit. :0

  18.  #18Katja on March 8, 2009 at 1:49 am

    It doesn’t feel good to me,too,that Molly is moving to another city for him/for their relationship.

  19.  #19cookie on March 8, 2009 at 6:49 am

    Question; in which of roris programs does she talk explicitly about power messages. Like how and when to use them? I really need to learn so if anyone knows let me know, thanks

  20.  #20cookie on March 8, 2009 at 6:51 am

    Sorry I meant power speeches!

  21.  #21Rori Raye on March 8, 2009 at 10:22 am

    Welcome, Seafox, and thank you for your comment. Since we can’t really KNOW anything – guessing around this, using our feelings and intuition is still helpful to us personally, because it brings up our own stuff to look at and heal.

    Go ahead and imagine speaking about yourself in the third person, as Melissa did. Isn’t that an interesting view into the way a person sees herself?

    Love, Rori

  22.  #22Maria on March 8, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    Did you know, guys that Jason was the dumpee in earlier series of Bachelorette, by DeAnna. From what l understood, he was among the last 2, and DeAnna did break his heart tremendously.
    l had this silly thought came across my mind…..maybe tiny little part in Jason still has not get over the fact that DeAnna dumped him, and maybe some parts still loves her, who knows. So on that shadow, we can understand Jason better, also his motives and desicions.

  23.  #23alias girl on March 8, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    i have come to the conclusion that it is critical for me to have mercy and compassion with my army of men. they are crashing on my shore for a reason. they want to be kings. there is no man who has come to me who i have not felt that strongly. if any man enters my sphere it is because he is searching for himself, god, his king self. and lucky them. they have come to just the right woman. i will tell my truth. i will speak my feelings. i will not accept sub par behavior.

    and they just want to keep crashing on my shore. i feel good about that. i feel dedicated to my goddess self. i feel compassion for mankind.

  24.  #24Daria on March 8, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    I feel good too… Alias girl what you have said sounds inspiring… I felt really weird after going to “kick it” with one of my exes today and I felt like cuddling and he was into something else, I felt triggered and icky and got out of there…

    BUT… what I want to say is a feel good thing… I bought a dozen roses, some white some pink… for me and my mom for Women’s Day today ! Yay. I feel glad.

  25.  #25Linmayu on March 8, 2009 at 10:53 pm

    I’ve had something open up in me with my volunteer army. I’m finding it easier and easier to write to them, to go with the flow of the conversations, really express my feelings in the moment, and just not care whether they ever write back. I’m finding it easier and easier to let a man down easy, to tell him when I’m feeling uncomfortable with him, or to tell him when I’m feeling delighted with him! It feels amazing.

  26.  #26alias girl on March 9, 2009 at 12:12 am

    i’m feeling much less concerned about rejection. i can email any man now. which feels great. i mean i don’t email all of them but i don’t feel less than like i used to. i feel grateful that online is opening me up to men in my real life that i see out and about. but i don’t feel much faith that i will actually meet my man online. i mean maybe but i really just view it as practice. i feel bad that some men i did not let down easy. i was not mean but i was honest. like one guy contacted me forgetting that he had contacted me way back and just dropped off. no telling me he was going offline. no ending the conversation. so when he contacted me again i told him i didn’t want a man who carelessly disposed of women. i felt angry and didn’t care if i hurt him. which i doubt it did.

    i still have alot of anger i guess when men treat women as sex objects. and i also have alot of fear of actually settling down with someone. the idea makes me feel naseouis. nice spelling.

    but i’m not just going to move in with someone. i can take it slow. i feel weird. i feel sad today. is ok. i love my sadness. i love my confusion. i feel isolated. i feel scared of forming relationships with people. i love my fears and sadness. i feel weird. like i’m weird. 🙁 is ok. i love my weirdness.

  27.  #27alias girl on March 9, 2009 at 1:18 am

    daria i feel glad you got out of there once you realized you felt triggered and not great. and i feel very happy to hear of your roses for you and your mom.

    i feel very calmly moved by the progress we are all making. i feel so grateful.

    i feel scared to start meeting these guys online but finally i have some men actually asking me out for coffee rather than just wanting to IM. i don’t do IM. i don’t like it. i do phone calls and real life.

    i’ve gone through alot (alot!) of online men. i feel like i’ve done alot of work. i feel ready for it to be easier and more enjoyable now. i feel scared though. my fear is coming up. i love my fear. my fear is trying to protect me. i love and give thanks for my intense fears which have kept me safe all these years. phew. i feel like there is a flood in my ears. i feel a racing heart. i love my fear.

  28.  #28Linda on March 9, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    I am sure there is something to learn here. I hate drama. It is bad enough to have to deal with in, but to deal with it with millions of people watching. O MY goodness!… I could not bare it. The TV producers are all about ratings, that drama creates and elevates it, but what in the world… those are real people. Do they get any compensation for being humiliated on national television. I am not a big fan of reality shows.. give me The Carol Burnett Show any day. lol