Last Chance To Get My Special Holiday Package

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This is the last day for this Holiday Special – be sure to check it out:

Love, Rori

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855 Comments

  1.  #1Aurora Girl on December 20, 2011 at 7:55 am

    Blessings to all sirens this week and in 2012! And many thanks to you Rori for all you`ve done, especially in my own little corner in 2011.
    Thank you!
    xo



  2.  #2Femininewoman on December 20, 2011 at 8:06 am

    Life is a mirror. It puts your inner world out in front of you so you can discover “who you are” and “what you are here to do.” What we experience “out in the world” is related to what we are doing inside—what we are thinking, feeling, and believing. This is a way Life teaches us.

    So the question is:

    What is Life showing you about yourself right now?

    In other words, what do your current experiences tell you about what you are thinking, feeling, and believing?

    I’d love to hear your experiences with this insight in the Comments below.

    Kevin

    Kevin Schoeninger



  3.  #3Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 8:13 am

    FW,

    Life is showing me that I’ve been living with scarcity for far too long.

    😀

    When I saw your comment, I almost thought I was on the wrong blog.

    Good morning, Sirens!



  4.  #4Daria on December 20, 2011 at 11:00 am

    If we have these, can we upgrade to the book for free?



  5.  #5Daria on December 20, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Sweetpea and FW I have the margaret lynch package if you’d like to sample it.



  6.  #6Daria on December 20, 2011 at 11:07 am

    Liz – when you get a chance, can u link to the post about Russian scientists and DNA reprogramming?

    I’ve long believed that we used that in the past – and still do – to shift our colors and shapes w the environment



  7.  #7Femininewoman on December 20, 2011 at 11:22 am

    Thanks Daria, would love to.



  8.  #8elle_emm on December 20, 2011 at 11:26 am

    i feel excited for xmas! i feel excited to go on the train and have chilled out time by myself. I am excited see my little nephews on xmas day!

    rori, you look awesome in this video!



  9.  #9Daria on December 20, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Feminine woman – email me your email address at magicgoddessmedicinewoman@gmail.con



  10.  #10Daria on December 20, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    I feel so good having done the Margaret lunch 7th chakra tapping now



  11.  #11Daria on December 20, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    After these trappings I Feel – am aware of, each shakea area – like right now the heat at the bottom of my spine first chakra



  12.  #12Daria on December 20, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    The night is long tonight feels so exciting!

    Will the sun repower in a few days as it always has? Or will we spin off into the arms of darkness



  13.  #13Daria on December 20, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    The sun is my lover I am the ice princess waiting to be melted and gush a spring from my life loving loins



  14.  #14Starla on December 20, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    I’ll move my little drama over here:)

    Feeling anxious about no plans for NYE with CF. He hasn’t even brought it up. Maybe I’ll let Christmas pass before I allow myself to worry? I’m sure he is distracted with planning for my bday and christmas.



  15.  #15Daria on December 20, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    I just wrote a man

    So much excitement in my chest feels frustrating to not have anything planned to do to express it

    Really I mean feels flat, disjoint, disconnected to not gave anything I can see. To do to GEt IT OUT.

    Maybe I can do t tapp.

    T tapp has jog rocks cardio

    Wonder if that will work for me – unschoolingbasics moms talk about having the kids use certain muscle groups when they feel stuck

    This might be a new way to take fare of me



  16.  #16Daria on December 20, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    feel so excited with how my experiment – this is prompted by seeing some else write “why are you doing this, just curious?” and it felt like it grabbed me in my third chakra and – ok, like I got grabbed in my thrid chakra and twisted and also llike my jaw got heavy – sigh wow

    yeah and im like EEK it feels disturbing

    this person should do it THIS WAY

    the way ive been doing it

    which im now gonna write

    about

    which is……….

    teary eyed
    .

    its i stopped asking “why?” about things as its not really a true q for me. when i ask it. im only gonna ask when its something i want to perpetuate – the thing im asking about

    and its clearing up my mind! yay! i no longer get as tugg of warry about a topic with my mind

    i just notice myself formulating withy why and then i reformulate and tadah

    relaxation

    why would i ask why about something i dont like? ==> i dont want to ask why about something i dont like

    that way i dont ask why and send my mind on a trip about it

    my mind says thank you Daria

    and it seems like such a widespread way of verbalizing/thinking! (the why q when its something we don’t like)

    oh love to me and my genius



  17.  #17Starla on December 20, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    i am feeling beat up and sensitive today
    please be nice to me:(



  18.  #18Starla on December 20, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    I feel hateful and violent…it feels like numbness on my skin on my chest and chin



  19.  #19Daria on December 20, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    starla – i would hate to be in your position i feel all tense and tight thinking about being in it now

    i might try to plan some things without him as a backup plan and feel like im closing off my heart and ‘being cold and aloof’ as im doing so

    i might say “i feel all anxious not knowing yet what plans are for new years… what do you think?” and fele all ashamed and uncomfortable and jdugemntal toward myself for being needy and controlling.

    i love me!

    i love my judgmental sef awww

    its ok thanks for trying to protect me

    thanks needy and controlly safe

    wait a minute

    i dont feel good without new year plans right now

    i can tell the guy just that

    i dont feel good without new year plans right now. im feeling very anxious and tight about it

    rargh!

    (fix it for me motha fuchka! or dont. so i can dump you. hmmm)

    i love me



  20.  #20Daria on December 20, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    or maye ill just be surprised. maybe you wont fix it and it will actually feel GODO in some amazing way as i sink into me and express… the way it feels with guyfriend CD when i eel anxious hes not getting me food fast enough and i sink in and find a peace and then it works



  21.  #21Starla on December 20, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    I notice that I get really overwhelmed by worries with CF when I’m PMSing, which is what’s happening now…

    but it’s a legit worry! NYE! I’m just a girl and I want the guy who seems so devoted to me to want to ring in the new year with me.



  22.  #22Daria on December 20, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    i like the thought of numbness on my skin. i feel that too. wow didn’t know to notice that

    yes i feel numbness in my jaw and tinglying numbness too on my chin and now tingling pressing on the top of my head

    and tingling in my cheekbones



  23.  #23Daria on December 20, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    im feeling squeezed under my chin raargh

    who’s choking me

    actually i dont want to know that

    i dont want to feel choked

    thank you

    sigh



  24.  #24Ella on December 20, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    Ella Siren Rant on:

    I just feel so in pieces sometimes.

    Like my life is all in bits and pieces… kinda shattered in shards all over the place with nothing ever really coming together.

    I just feel at the moment like I keep trying all these different paths, and each time I hit a wall.

    And I keep accumulating more and more debts everytime I change direction.

    Just feeling very sorrowful today and a bit introverted.

    Needy and clingy.

    And I know its life and it think about all the stuff that needs doing or is not right and most of it I can’t even begin to deal with right now… its not even fully on my radar, cus there is bigger sh8t to deal with, but it is there, underneath, weighing me down.

    Oh I am just feeling complainy today.

    Really I am very lucky with my life and I know it.

    Its just so cold and dark and I seem to be responding by eating lots and drinking more 🙁

    Although I am babystepping to making better choices, like going to bed early… and drinking water.

    And today I had to put a load of stuff into storage, and my friend said I am nuts cus I am paying to store it and he wanted me to leave it at his house… but I don’t want to.

    And I felt so sad leaving my stuff there, although the men there said I was pretty.

    Well why the feck doesn’t one of them marry me then and take care of me and cuddle me when I am feeling off colour??!!

    Pouty, sulky face.

    And really there is not too much wrong.

    Just feeling lonely.

    And like a failure, and familiar feeling fear of putting on weight when I am exercising less and eating more (over Xmas). I feel scared.

    And have to do a Pole Dancing demo in Jan to promote my new business and feel so scared and have a secret belief I feel ashamed of that people only want a skinny Pole Dancing Teacher 🙁

    And that makes me feel sad.

    I am slim, and loads of people compliment me on my figure and looks, but I don’t want to beleive that you have to be skinny.

    I want to promote healthy weights.

    But I don’t feel healthy atm… with all this winter/Christmas food and drink.

    Grumble, grumble, mushy crumble.
    I get stuck.

    It just feels like whatever I try I get wrong… or it doesn’t quite work out, and there are little pieces of me left behind in my old failed lives. Little pieces of my heart.

    I am not looking for solutions here.

    I just want to say it..

    And maybe to feel comforted.

    I know I am on my horse, and still I often feel like I take 2 steps forward and 4 back.

    With my work, my money, my relationships, my living situations, my weight.

    It sometimes feels like nothing ever really changes.

    Recently I have been going slow and tonight I have sunk into my feelings and fell on the floor.

    Recently I let computer guy back into my life to help me move some stuff and right now I am feeling needy, I reached out to him in a FB message telling him I was feeling upset.

    I don’t know why.

    I don’t know what I want.

    Maybe just to feel comforted.

    How can I comfort myself?



  25.  #25Starla on December 20, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    Also part of me knows I tend to focus on relationship anxieties when I have more important things to worry about but I’m scared to worry about them.

    So Starla, don’t you worry about CF and NYE until you get that grad school application submitted once and for all, and get your house all cleaned up. You just take care of you, and then we’ll sit down together and figure out how we’re feeling about the NYE thing when you’re done. Love you.



  26.  #26Ella on December 20, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    Oh – Forgot to say

    Ella Siren Rant off.



  27.  #27Daria on December 20, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Hey Ella – about the life in bits and pieces – i LOVe this Goddess – the goddess that is always broken apart – i have her as wallpaper and i feel so Me in her

    Akhilanda

    the crocodile Goddess

    its ok and Great to never be unbroken! never! always in transition

    boy

    but we always ARE

    wow

    “Originally posted at Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea. Written by Julie (JC) Peters

    The Goddess of never not broken.

    You know that feeling when you have just gone through a breakup, or lost your job, and everything is terrible and terrifying and you don’t know what to do, and you find yourself crying in a pile on your bedroom floor, barely able to remember how to use the phone, desperately looking for some sign of God in old letters, or your Facebook newsfeed or on Glee, finding nothing there to comfort you?

    Come on, yes you do. We all do.

    And there is a goddess from Hindu mythology that teaches us that, in this moment, in this pile on the floor, you are more powerful than you’ve ever been.

    This past week, I have been deeply inspired by a talk I heard on the Yoga Teacher Telesummit by Eric Stoneberg on this relatively unknown Goddess from Hindu mythology: Akhilandeshvari.

    This figure has snuck up inside me and settled into my bones. She keeps coming out of my mouth every time I teach, and she’s given me so much strength and possibility during a time of change and uncertainty in my own life. I wanted to unpack a little bit about who she is for those that might be, like me, struggling a little bit in that pile on the floor and wondering how the hell to get up again.

    The answer, it turns out, is this: in pieces, warrior-style, on the back of a crocodile. Yee ha.

    Akhilandeshvari:

    “Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess. Sanskrit is a tricky and amazing language, and I love that the double negative here means that she is broken right down to her name.

    But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.

    It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.

    Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.

    The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person, your future dissolves in front of you.

    And of course, this is terrifying.

    But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher—how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?

    This goddess has another interesting attribute, which is, of course, her ride: a crocodile.

    Crocodiles are interesting in two ways: Firstly, Stoneberg explains that the crocodile represents our reptilian brain, which is where we feel fear. Secondly, the predatory power of a crocodile is not located in their huge jaws, but rather that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river, take it into the water, and spin it until it is disoriented. They whirl that prey like a dervish seeking God, they use the power of spin rather than brute force to feed themselves.

    By riding on this spinning, predatory, fearsome creature, Akhilanda refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. She rides on it. She gets on this animal that lives inside the river, inside the flow. She takes her fear down to the river and uses its power to navigate the waves, and spins in the never not broken water. Akhilanda shows us that this is beautiful. Stoneberg writes:

    Akhilanda is also sometimes described in our lineage like a spinning, multi-faceted prism. Imagine the Hope Diamond twirling in a bright, clear light. The light pouring through the beveled cuts of the diamond would create a whirling rainbow of color. The diamond is whole and complete and BECAUSE it’s fractured, it creates more diverse beauty. Its form is a spectrum of whirling color.

    Photo: Justin Graham

    That means that this feeling of confusion and brokenness that every human has felt at some time or another in our lives is a source of beauty and colour and new reflections and possibilities.

    If everything remained the same, if we walked along the same path down to the river every day until there was a groove there (as we do; in Sanskrit this is called Samskara, habits or even “some scars”), this routine would become so limited, so toxic to us that, well, the crocs would catch on, and we’d get plucked from the banks, spun and eaten.

    So now is the time, this time of confusion and brokenness and fear and sadness, to get up on that fear, ride it down to the river, dip into the waves, and let yourself break. Become a prism.

    All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole.

    But remember Akhilanda’s lesson: even that new whole, that new, colourful, amazing groove that we create, is an illusion. It means nothing unless we can keep on breaking apart and putting ourselves together again as many times as we need to. We are already “never not broken.” We were never a consistent, limited whole. In our brokenness, we are unlimited. And that means we are amazing.”

    heres a link to my pic of her :

    http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&sa=N&rlz=1T4LENN_enUS436US436&biw=1347&bih=566&tbm=isch&tbnid=APYtlkxzqMbI1M:&imgrefurl=http://zodhanayoga.wordpress.com/category/links-to-the-outside/&docid=zEMe_z_e5f4JnM&imgurl=http://zodhanayoga.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/akhilanda.jpg%253Fw%253D377%2526h%253D500&w=377&h=500&ei=ff_wTvOXAafOiAL60YmYDg&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=147&sig=106365190474392576129&page=1&tbnh=116&tbnw=87&start=0&ndsp=28&ved=1t:429,r:2,s:0&tx=39&ty=49

    Akhilanda the Goddess of Never Not Broken!



  28.  #28Ella on December 20, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Hmmm, feeling a lil weird about new CD…

    He is a guy from the pub I work at.

    A customer.

    Loads of the other staff have got involved by warning me off him but I decided to make up my own mind.

    Gossip is rife in that pub…

    And they say some mean stuff like he is a ‘nutter’ and ‘dolally’ (he suffered a breakdown when his marriage broke up) and he is a ‘sexist pig’ but he has not shown me any of this.

    None.

    He is a bit rough and ready…

    But so far he has been nothing but sweet and step up.

    He is also not my usual type… he is not well travelled and is not very modern.

    But so far I just feel good around him.

    I feel so afraid, not of anything he has done… but just in case what if what they say is true?

    And I often catch myself feeling judgemental and looking for evidence of what has been said. And juding him when he has not travelled as much as me or has not tried different food etc…

    I feel afraid of being shunned from the in crowd because I ignored their advice and decided to date him unless *I* felt bad.

    I feel afraid of being disliked, and judged and if it all goes wrong them all saying ‘I told her!’

    What is the message here?

    I never know whether to listen to people when they offer unsolicited ‘advice’ about men who show an interest in me.

    Have any other Sirens had any experience of this?

    Feeling a bit vulnerable in this situation.



  29.  #29Daria on December 20, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Ella it feels bad to hear you worry about your weight. i wonder why that triggers me

    love to me

    it feels scary

    am i worried about it and dont want to see that? love to me

    sometimes i do feel worried about it

    love to me

    sometimes i think i dont look attractive

    love to me

    this feels sad

    love to my sad feeling slathered all around it

    love to me

    love to me

    love to me



  30.  #30Daria on December 20, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    feeling tight in my mouth feeling tight in my thighs in the in part feeling tingly in my buttocks feeling tighti n my solar plexus

    i love my feelings

    i love this sadness like a blanket and turning my head on the pillow i love my feelings

    i love me throught his wave of bringing me down

    i often disconnect now and i love my disconnecting all in my head now and giggles i love my giggles

    i felt triggered reading a book comparing women of different ethniciites body shapes tho it was true as a general thing in my observation it was aslo saying This is more beautiful while This is more beuatiful and tho i kinda greed i felt guilyt nad i dont want to think like that

    and i also want to have most beautifu all round even where my ethnicity does not come with it and i love me
    a
    nd i do i do

    i love me

    ouchie!!!

    no i dont

    i dont like my back

    i love my saying that

    i love my back too

    i love my sigh



  31.  #31Starla on December 20, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    I’ve essentially adapted lk’s way of talking to herself as a tool, and I plan on being here a lot using it for the next however long or so.



  32.  #32Starla on December 20, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    29 Daria
    probably because Ella’s in great shape, lol



  33.  #33Daria on December 20, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    i feel triggered too reading Starla telling herself to do ‘other stuff’ stuff i would nto want to do like clean up and do essay

    i O NOT WANT TO DO THAT AND I WONT

    and thats why in a loser an my room is no t clean

    and actually now i feel like cleaning i t a bit hmm

    i love me



  34.  #34Daria on December 20, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    sorry starla for any triggers there by me actually feeling closed off towards you in that moment… feel so guilty to share that 🙁 love to me



  35.  #35Starla on December 20, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    lol Daria, well they’re not gonna let me into grad school if i don’t write the essay:P and I’m letting my girl live with me in a 1 bedroom apartment so if I don’t clean up for her arrival, I’m going to feel crowded and miserable for being so kind to her.

    I mean..you know this. Anyway………

    You can feel as closed off as you want, but in 5 years please refer to me as Dr. Starla

    lol just playing.

    i am acting cocky because….i’m insecure and weak:(



  36.  #36light heart on December 20, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    Feeling grateful for the Bridging article, thanks, LG. FW

    Bridging is the new word for dating..I like it!

    “When you feel trapped in a “relationship” that’s confusing, that’s uncertain, and maybe even painful, you don’t have to choose between staying and breaking up.”

    There’s no real reason that JCD and I have to break up, or stop seeing each other…because I am committed to honoring my own agreements with myself, feeling my feelings, and expressing myself…in other words, I TRUST myself not to get frustrated with myself for not honoring myself and then taking it out on him….

    but, I am “bridging”, in all the different senses of the word….

    “Until that one man steps up to claim me as the woman he loves and wants to be with forever, and I agree, I will be bridging”

    and having the time of my life doing it! Which I am!

    and I introduced this to JCD and now he wants to talk with me about it

    I feel so connected to All !

    I am SO lov-able….and so is everyone else!
    It’s our nature, because that’s what we are

    🙂

    light heart



  37.  #37light heart on December 20, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Daria,
    Love the IxChel and Akhilanda
    powerful stuff

    🙂
    light heart



  38.  #38Aurora Girl on December 20, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Dr. Starla
    I remember applying for grad school…I thought I was out of my mind and had not shot at all…..felt really vulnerable and iffy…..knew if I got in it would shape my life and if I didn`t it would shape my life….lol

    watch what you ask for….be ready for it to show up…ha….the universe will guide it along…your siren-ness will shine no matter what…….

    xo
    and super vibes to you !



  39.  #39Ella on December 20, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Oh…. it feels so friggin tiring agreeing to CDs I don’t feel attracted to.

    Grrrrrrr!



  40.  #40Starla on December 20, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    Thanks, Aurora Girl:)



  41.  #41light heart on December 20, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    it just feels squeezing and constricting to me to feel any kind of possessiveness…either of me or by me, it’s a low self esteem, it’s flat and dull, it slows down, maybe even kills, the whole wonderful unfolding of things, the surprises, the wonderful little mysteries to discover au naturelle

    🙂

    light heart



  42.  #42Ella on December 20, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Ok, bizarre male behaviour.

    A few weeks ago I met a guy from POF… he had contacted me on POF but knew me from the area we live.

    I did not know him.

    He asked me out using my real name which prompted me to ask how he knew me.

    He didn’t reply.

    I ended up bumping into him a while later in a local pub.

    I ended up sleeping with him.

    I have no issue with this. I feel perfectly ok about it, Rockstar even…

    The next day he made a big deal of wanting to see me again which I felt quite suprised about as I didn’t think that was the nature of what we had.

    But I remained open.

    He didn’t call.

    But he has just added me as a favourite on POF.

    Baffling.



  43.  #43Ella on December 20, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    Hmmm I feel judgmental of myself for my post above and sl9tty.

    I wasn’t going to tell you all that.

    For some reason I feel a bit ashamed and I can hear NVs saying ‘Ow, look at Ella going around having 1 night stands with men she meets in pubs!’

    Hmmm.

    I want to explain.

    And I am not going to.

    I feel mostly ok with it.

    Just a lil worried of being judged.



  44.  #44Starla on December 20, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    I talked with my body last night. It told me it needs more water in general. But here I am, staring at a glass of water, not drinking it.

    Am eating apple slices instead of sugary candy, though:)



  45.  #45light heart on December 20, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    hi ella,
    what I do is look for something I can enjoy about the CD, after all, it’s all about ME, and I want to be happy, so I can always find something!

    The other thing is, I don’t believe you don’t have to go out with all of them.

    Sometimes I feel relieved when they don’t call, or cancel. cuz then I can just CD myself! Yay! Like right now, I’m going to do a CD cleaning date, because someone cancelled at the last minute.

    I was good to go, getting ready to go, and looking forward to it, but I am not disappointed that he cancelled, and I’m not thinking of all these reasons why. It doesnt matter. If he re-schedules, great, if not, great too! Next !

    🙂
    light heart



  46.  #46Starla on December 20, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Daria, I don’t want to be looked down upon for being ambitious or responsible to my goals…so i got all lippy with you. Sorry. I’m healing



  47.  #47light heart on December 20, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    That should read ‘I don’t believe you have to go out with all of them’.



  48.  #48Ella on December 20, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Thing is I would kinda like to see him again…

    If he had contacted me.

    He was kinda sweet. And I felt relaxed around him.

    Also the sex was good. Which is unusual for me because of the issues I’ve had around this.

    He is helping me in my healing of this.

    But he didn’t contact me, which I feel a lil disappointed but ok and very Rockstar and like I am the prize.

    Like I am way up there and he is not worthy.



  49.  #49Daria on December 20, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    i feel judgemental about grad school

    i feel open to it too on an intellectual level

    i want to heal this

    i can also start calling myself Dr. Daria right now so that i loudly and colorful display my belief that i rock and that grad school is not really anything real besides an aggregation of literature and speeches/ speakers



  50.  #50Daria on December 20, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Starla – thanks. sorry for judging you around this.

    i want to heal this



  51.  #51Ella on December 20, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Light Heart re 45

    Feels good.

    Thank you.

    🙂



  52.  #52Starla on December 20, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    grad school is an opportunity to perform ground breaking research and write a book under guidance of the very best:) grad school is an opportunity to immerse myself in my greatest passion. Seems like a great idea to me:)

    Daria, I feel super defensive. I really want to lash out at you, and ask you how dare you come to me acting like I’m not as good as you because i WANT to apply myself in this way?

    I don’t want to even be compared to anyone else, for good or evil.

    AHHHHHHHHHH LEAVE ME ALONE, WORLD



  53.  #53Ella on December 20, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    Ow ow ow…

    I know… I could favourite him too…

    That would be like giving back right? Responding to what he has done?

    Not leaning forward cus he already did that when he added me?

    But is it enough, on his part?

    Hmmm.

    Might feel ok to favourite him.



  54.  #54Daria on December 20, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    a man just called and he got my number from Hawkman. I haven’t heard from him since around thanksgiving he said he’d visit me on the first… but he didnt and i havent’ heard from him

    this man said hawkman said were not together any more and offered him my number

    i feel heartbroken and furious and have fantasiez of attacking hawkman and pushing him and punching him and yelling i feel so furious… i cared about you… how could you… i gave you my pussy… fuchk you you loser jerk! i love you

    i love my feelings and my fantasiez

    i dont want to do that

    i dont want to shut down either

    i feel squeezed in my mouth

    i cried a lil and told the guy i felt sad

    this guy is all grown and step up and … i feel judgemental of him for bieng all grown and step up and just kinda gentle and older and

    i feel turned off

    and i can heal this and i want to and it would feel nice to spend time with him

    maybe even today

    sigh

    i feel so upset at hawkman!!

    🙁

    i feel like crying!!

    how could he?? – not a real question — translation…i feel like bursting into tears and i feel trembly jaw



  55.  #55Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Daria @ 5,

    Thanks Daria. That would feel great!

    Which one do you have? Not that it matters, I’m open to either/any – just feeling curious.



  56.  #56Starla on December 20, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    urggggggggh i want to scream
    because CF said he would proof my essay, and take me shopping, and he hasn’t brought up either, and I’m sure all I need to do is let him know I need those things, yet I feel stupid and unwanted and retarded and i hate myself



  57.  #57Ella on December 20, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Daria re 54

    Oh that feels icky

    🙁

    xxx



  58.  #58Starla on December 20, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    the “old me” would text him as follows:

    -sooo are you still going to proof my essay or did i miss the boat on that one?

    -umm last i checked you were talking about how much time you were going to spend with me on your time off of work, but i haven’t seen you in a couple of days?

    wow, it feels tempting, but not as tempting as just feeling my way through this.



  59.  #59Daria on December 20, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    i am manifesting a man online coming to meet me and he’s gonna take me to see the redwoods now

    and thers a back up man



  60.  #60Daria on December 20, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Sweetpea – I have the whole program. hit up my email again por favor so i can click reply and send it



  61.  #61Aurora Girl on December 20, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Daria and Starla

    lol grad school is more than academics and speakers and research…..

    I only learned this part way through when I was really struggling through parts of it……yeah….getting in is the easy part….getting through it also challenging…..gotta “show up” for all of it…lol

    I feel excited to say that grad school is just like anything else we try….it is an exercise in itself of learning what we’re made of…..how we’ll solve new problems…how we’ll stay true to what we value and shape more stuff we want to do……it’s a new life experience……..being called Dr. only gets you so far……how it shapes you is way more important…..it’s just one way to grow……and sometimes it leads to a good job and sometimes it doesn’t…….but it will certainly show us how strong we are and what we still need to learn…….

    so if you’re up for that there’s nothing to lose right? and it’s an individual choice for sure I think…

    Feeling excited for new growth on the horizon…….

    oh yeah…and it’s kinda nice even after you have the Dr. thing….to have places you can go where people don’t use that term and just love ya the way you are…..

    🙂



  62.  #62Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Daria @ 54,

    Wow! I can identify with your feelings around this. I want to call Hawkman names.

    I won’t… but hugs and healing to you.



  63.  #63Daria on December 20, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    grad school is an opportunity to perform ground breaking research and write a book under guidance of the very best:) grad school is an opportunity to immerse myself in my greatest passion. Seems like a great idea to me:)

    Daria I am going to continue to lovingly let you know that you can perform ground breaking research and write what you want anywhere at any time – and you are already doing those things- always supported. there is no pressure, there is always all the time in the world, and you are where you need to be and there is no desperation or having to prove yourself or have ‘the best’ and that there is no best there is only lots of wonderful. and i love you

    you already are immersed in your greatest passion

    and its totally ok for you to feel triggered and frustrated and judgemental around this as you heal

    and i love you



  64.  #64Starla on December 20, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    I’m going to be huge, even bigger than I already am…have you ever googled me? lol.

    and grad school is how I will get there.

    Haters show up with jealousy and insecurity.

    Hello, Haters:D

    It’s been a while since I’ve run into y’all.

    Feeling like I have to prove myself.

    F*ck you:(

    (I don’t mean that. F*ck no one, especially no one here!!)



  65.  #65Daria on December 20, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    and if other people are triggered and feel like attacking you it’s ok and you are safe

    and i love myou

    and i feel all tight in my throat under my chin!

    oh and… gradschool is ok too.

    anything you want is totally ok

    and i actually honor you for not giving it importance like it is important when its nto and all that is important is youa nd your loveliness and feeling good

    and no outside marks of success are really about that, they are cool if you are interested in them and … not real if you are not

    yeah

    and if u ever want to go get together witha group of people and talk about stuff thats interesting to you and read stuff and talk about it then that is what grad school is and it would feel …if u feel drawn towards it in a feel good way



  66.  #66Starla on December 20, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    63 wtf daria, i feel like…i’m being chased around by you…can you please just let me be with my LIFE’S DREAM and not use it to discount me and make yourself feel better????

    yes, of course you can have those things, any way you see fit. why cut me down about it?



  67.  #67Starla on December 20, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    i feel hella f*ckin wounded, in the least feeling message way possible, past participle, responsibility skirting, like this is your fault, daria (not really though!) !!

    i feel alone lonely lonely lonely. i do such good work and the only thing anyone ever has to say about it most of the time is that it’s somehow not worth praising.

    f*ck you all, stupid f*cking world:(



  68.  #68light heart on December 20, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    Can you see that that is YOU, Starla ?

    Do you feel you and the work you do is
    somehow not worth praising?

    What did you EVER do wrong?

    What did any of us ever do wrong?

    NO THING.

    You are not responsible or the cause of any one else’s
    point of view. Even if they are ‘using you’
    to explore their triggers.

    forgive me if this is unwanted, but I can’t stand to see sirens beat themselves up….which is OK, of course…..i guess…..

    🙂
    light heart



  69.  #69Starla on December 20, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    I would really like this topic of conversation to end right now. I don’t want to be the sounding board for anyone to make themselves feel better if it suggests anything negative about me. I don’t care if i’m just triggered. it feels awful and i want it to stop right now.



  70.  #70Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Starla,

    (((((hugs)))))

    You are worthy. You are fully accepted (to graduate school and elsewhere).

    xoxox



  71.  #71Starla on December 20, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    thanks sweetpea, maybe i’ll apply to the department of rockin ladies at Sweetpea U.



  72.  #72Aurora Girl on December 20, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    That’s the whole point Sirens

    We are lovable no matter what we do…..whether it’s grad school or creating art……or taking care of our cat…or creating music…..or writing on the blog….we are lovable and sireny no matter what….if we want to do those things….hey we can…we can explore……we can experiment…but it has nothing to do with who we are or how lovable we are…..

    nothing…

    we are women of the world…..we are goddesses in everything we do….we will find the support and there is love for us in all shapes, sizes, forms, scents and experiences…

    …..if we let it in…

    we just have to choose to let it in 🙂



  73.  #73Starla on December 20, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    68 Lightheart, i’m just having a moment

    i feel compelled to convince everyone here why i would feel weak, to talk about how alone i am in the world, how i never even thought i would go to college because my mom abandoned me in high school, blah blah blah

    i feel so triggered today. thank you, everyone, for holding on.



  74.  #74light heart on December 20, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    I might want to beat myself up for Starla not responding to my post(s) to her, like, what’s the matter, did I say something wrong. is there something wrong with me?
    And I might have
    in the past, but, not any longer.

    It is not my business how the message was received,
    especially if nothing is said in response.

    I know that it was offered with nothing but good intention, and that is what matters.

    I still feel connected to all….

    🙂
    light heart



  75.  #75light heart on December 20, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Thank you, Starla.

    Yes, I know. Your fears and old issues coming up.

    Don’t do anything you don’t want to do,
    or feel compelled to explain yourself.

    (Hey, if nothing else, it’s good practice,
    esp for those of us who feel like we have
    to explain ourselves to the men.)

    🙂

    light heart.



  76.  #76Daria on December 20, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    i don’t believe its more than speakers and literature

    i know that it can be made to mean a lot more and im actively using my awareness to not go there

    i want to see clearly teh basics of wahts going on around me

    and . i don’t want to . place value on “having to” .

    or ‘hard work’

    or anything that doesnt’ feel good

    and i love me

    and this feels challenging and i feel choked

    and it still feels good

    and if i dont want to do this

    i will stop

    adn not do it

    and i want to fele good aobut taht

    i do feel good about that

    i feel good about taking responsibility for my own learning and passion and self esttem and cretivity

    and i dont want to throw a big label on something

    and its totally ok if i want to go congregate with people at scheduled times and read things and watchn things and write things and talk to people and listen to people

    and to me that is grad school

    and i like that i dont have to do that

    and i dont have those scheduled times

    still kinda rebelling against that

    adn i like that

    it feels good

    to make my own time

    on my body time

    and also

    to have those schedules with CDs and have men show up for me business-time sharp



  77.  #77Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Starla,

    Sweetpea U – I like it! 😀

    Lots of opportunity for healing here – those feelings of abandonment – nasty little beasts, aren’t they?

    Are you feeling anxious around the application process? Or is it solely anxiety around NYE? What’s up, Siren?

    I think it’s great… Dr. Starla… like. (Where’s my thumbs up emoticon)?



  78.  #78Daria on December 20, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    sorry starla about triggering you to feel bad



  79.  #79lk on December 20, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    @Starla

    i did post a FM for you on the previous thread

    maybe you could send him an email with this song : )

    Maybe it’s much too early in the game
    Ah, but I thought I’d ask you just the same
    What are you doing New Year’s
    New Year’s Eve?

    Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight
    When it’s exactly twelve o’clock that night
    Welcoming in the New Year
    New Year’s Eve

    Maybe I’m crazy to suppose
    I’d ever be the one you chose
    Out of a thousand invitations
    You’d receive

    Ah, but in case I stand one little chance
    Here comes the jackpot question in advance
    What are you doing New Year’s
    New Year’s Eve?

    Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight
    When it’s exactly twelve o’clock that night
    Welcoming in the New Year
    New Year’s Eve

    What are you doing New Year’s Eve?



  80.  #80Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    so.. where am i placing my value of having worth on an outside thing and keeping myself blind to my intrinsic worth

    ?

    i would like to heal that

    ok with money

    and with the attractiveness/smoothness/coolness status of the man im with



  81.  #81light heart on December 20, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    I wish I had the drive and ambition to go to grad school when I was your age, Starla. I was smart enough, graduated college with honors, but I just don’t like formal schooling. It might have opened more doors for me, whether I agree with or like the concept (much like Daria presents it) or not. I don’t dwell on that now, or justify what actions I took or did not take, because my life took another path, where I devoted myself elsewhere, and that is fine with me, because that is what IS. However, I still sometimes wonder what might have been. I would also say, that if you’re gonna do it, to go for it now, rather than wait til later when you might be busy with marriage and children, and then it is much more difficult.

    🙂
    light heart



  82.  #82Starla on December 20, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    Daria, I would like to edit my earlier responses to you.

    I had a good pee, where I do some of my best thinking, hahaha, yay toilets. peeing un-triggerfied me.

    Anyway

    I feel so excited about what this graduate program has to offer me, and I’ve been intent on applying to it for almost 3 years, so it feels amazing to be living my dream, even though i feel stressed out by deadlines and pattern fears of inadequacy…this is sooo 100% what i want to be doing. I feel appreciative that life works out how I want it to as I see fit, and I just LOVE that you have the expanded mind to see other ways to achieve the same sort of goals of learning and immersion. I used to think about what would happen if I got black listed from all school everywhere for writing student papers for cash (never got busted, and anyway, my papers are NOT for academic credit, but for guidance, lol right), and I knew in my heart that I would still make my whole life out of linguistics. Actually, I thought…wow the notoriety that comes with being black listed might make me have more public appeal…i might get bigger and famouser FASTER if I CAN’T go to grad school.

    There are always different ways to pursue your dream…to start living it right away even. I am writing in my admissions essay that my ultimate goal is to make language more accessible to the general public. This mean, so they don’t have to go to some exclusive or expensive institution to learn how to speak their own or any other human language. It shouldn’t be so inaccessible. It’s the most prevalent thing on the planet, for god’s sake!

    i feel much better:)

    thank you Starla and Daria



  83.  #83lk on December 20, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    awwww lk made italics !!!!!

    i did a mouth like this
    with an i in between

    like >i< but with the mouths eating the i, not pointing at it : )



  84.  #84Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Dr. Daria says whoa i feel really unsafe and defensive

    i love me

    i feel shaky and big wall barrier in front!



  85.  #85Starla on December 20, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    78 Daria
    Thanks, I don’t know if you actually owe me an apology (though I’m not the almighty score keeper), but I felt really cared for reading it. Sorry I proceeded to freak the f*ck out.



  86.  #86lk on December 20, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    hey Daria ! hey light heart ! hey Starla !



  87.  #87light heart on December 20, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    Daria @ 80

    That is a great question to ask oneself, and the answers run very deep.

    🙂
    light heart



  88.  #88lk on December 20, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    @Starla

    after i mop my dumb floors i’m going to post a good story for you : ) but i’ve been a Bad Baby & my floors are a little too messy to playtime just yet



  89.  #89Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    I <3 Starla. i feel good and warm and safe reading about the love for language and the dream of freedom about it



  90.  #90light heart on December 20, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    hey lk !

    I’ve been naughty and not cleaning up as much as I wanted to! but that’s OK, I have some free time tomorrow, too.

    🙂
    light heart



  91.  #91Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    aww starla that feels so good! to read that you felt cared for

    i actually feel scared and guilty now

    and actually i started feeling really defensive and shut off after writing that

    and now i feel all melty and still a lil tigh tin my buttcheeks and i love that i can relax and feel safe now



  92.  #92Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    unschooling basics moms have shared and i felt inspired by that

    clean up is likely to be joined in enthusistically wehn its to clean up For something… lets clean up so we can do taht art project here!

    vs. clean up after … it seems kids dont ‘get’ understand that kinda clean up naturally

    anyway it feels scary to write about this

    i feel uncomfortable

    ive committed myself to not pressuring myself to clean up

    ands ometimes i still have pressured me and i love me

    and i will continue to love and not push myself and gently love on myself yes

    and i will continue to share about it

    and i will continue to let myself know its safe!

    awww stony heart i love you



  93.  #93Starla on December 20, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    wow, i feel surprised, usually when things feel that tense, they don’t “get better”

    but i’m growing and healing and so is everyone around me, that feels freakin rad.



  94.  #94Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    lightheart that feels sad to read. it sounds like you still want to go to gradschool

    i would encourage you to drop and shift the thoughts about it being harder now

    and let yourself free and go for it and heal what feels bad



  95.  #95Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    starla – yeah lately ive been noticing them getting better on the blog and in my family and with men it feels kina coooollll 🙂

    a lot of it is me apologizing for everything i can think of (that is not about me apologizing for me and my desires)

    and being all honest about that i feel judgemental… and really consistent on the – its really NOT about the other person, what is this to heal about ME?



  96.  #96Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    thsi guy said hed be here in what would be 10 min from now but i havent heard from him since

    uhoh

    maybe i will reschedule now

    im not actually ready tho so i will chill online a lil more



  97.  #97Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    okay hes texting that hes heaviy caught in traffic



  98.  #98Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    i just pooped again! yay! i love pooping and i love pooping more than once a day… i feel so … mmm happy healthy

    oh

    about peeing too

    i read this thing and got hella aware…

    i feel much less likely to Want to do somethng and feel energetic and gung ho about it when my bladder is full

    like i read about a study where people with full bladders were asked q’s and they were much less likely to take risks

    vs. after they emptied their bladders they were much more like to say “lets go”!

    so when i feel tired to go somewhere sometimes i go pee and it shifts my energy after



  99.  #99Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    i love my poo. its like a gift of life for the earth. it doesnt even smell that bad.

    tho i feel judgemental of other people’s poo that consistently smells bad

    sometimes mine smells bad too but its rare.

    ummm

    i feel uncomfortable and almost teary writing about poo

    i am healing



  100.  #100Daria on December 20, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    even though i dont really want to go to the redwoods now that the sun is setting, i looked up how to get there on my own on the bus!! woo hoo!

    now i can do it when i want to



  101.  #101lk on December 20, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    wow…

    over the summer, i got this really intense fear that i forgot about that i was schizophrenic…. when all the really big dreams & things started happening…..

    but just now i though, wow, i haven’t heard the radio in a while & the same thing i thought before happened which is a symptom of schizophrenia — where you feel as though public media are broadcasting your thoughts….

    but i feel much more validated right now, because legitimately it was very synchronistic. i heard 2 stories. 1 about religion (the same conversation that CDcd & I were having last night) & 1 about Narnia & the White Witch : )

    also, i remember writing & reading with Esteemed & i wasn’t triggered at all with the fears that *I* might be schizophrenic.

    becoming much more trusting of myself : ) that’s nice : )



  102.  #102lk on December 20, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    my other buddy called that i haven’t talked to in a million years : ) i’m going to call him right now, then mop, then do the stories & finish the crowns : )



  103.  #103lk on December 20, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    oh, & @Daria – yes pooping is fantastic & healthy pooping is the most wonderful miraculous gift : ))))))



  104.  #104lk on December 20, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    just remembered my boss looking at me a certain way i didn’t really like….. & when i reacted defensively to it, he did it like 100% more lol…. that’s a good lesson right there : )

    btw bossman is nice, it wasn’t creepy looking, just a little odd & unnerving



  105.  #105Daria on December 20, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    i just felt angery

    big anger at all the ways i think i have to do and i pushy myself

    love for me



  106.  #106lk on December 20, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    took me 14 minutes to mop my whole apartment. so the next time babylk is being wimpy about it, i will be able to cite that very credible Study



  107.  #107lk on December 20, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    aww feel lonely : /

    feel guilty too … & angry !

    wow, lol, all the dark….. ok, lk….. now what ?

    i want….. to turn all the lights on & put the carpets down.

    & i want to…….. do something…..

    i’m going to call CDcd like he asked…when i’m in bed for sleeping & i want to tell him about Thurs. & about yoga & mopping. & i’ll save the work story for face-to-face. also the other question. also the other other question. also the xmas thing unless sleepy lk just blurts it out like she does sometimes lol



  108.  #108lk on December 20, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    oh yeahhh i want to finish the flower crowns…

    why do i feel SO weird about that idea ?

    like people are just going to think i’m psycho. which i am. sigh…

    oh…. humbug. i don’t think i’ll ever stop feeling cr8zy, but probably all humans feel that way, right ???



  109.  #109Starla on December 20, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    nice, lk, i’m all about empirical evidence to support action. *nerd alert*

    i just wanted to say that i’m not a psych but i don’t think ur schizo.

    i have a problem with the term schizo, because i think people who are slightly schizo are more GIFTED than anything. It’s when it interferes with your life and happiness and people around you cease to understand wtf you’re talking about on a literal level, that you really have the schizo.

    i’ve diagnosed myself with 3 possible mental illnesses, and my therapist is just like “LOL”… If I’m not crazy, then you’re def not.

    also take heart in knowing that for young women like ourselves, the most common time for schizo to appear full on is in college years, so it is extremely unlikely that you have or will develop freaky schizophrenia.

    That reminds me, once I was posting on here about how i was certain i was just bat-sh*t crazy, and I really was suffering serious mental illness symptoms and behaving abusively, and LG and some others told me they didn’t think I was ILL with craziness, that it could all be looked at as a woman who is not managing her emotions very well inside herself and in her interactions with other people. It was something Rori’s tools could fix. Yay Rori’s tools. I think I could take ANY sort of emotional/relationship problem and address it with one of Rori’s tools/philosophies, now that I think about it.



  110.  #110tenny on December 20, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    I must admit that Love scripts really wraps everything up into a neat “how to” for sirens 🙂



  111.  #111Daria on December 20, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    ohh my cat laid his head and paw on my chest it felt so good to have a warm soft lil thing on me omgosh i just wanted to wrap myself up in him … that is how men feel with me wow



  112.  #112lk on December 20, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    hey, Dr. Starla : )

    ok, so 1 thing is i’m super glad that HT’s way of baby-ing & being gentle to yourself is as helpful for you as it is for me : ) i will tell him that someone else likes it too : )))

    & the other thing is super scary to write about, so 1 sec while i gather myself…….

    hm, ok. well 1 thing is that actually i kept setting this up like, oh i have to tell starla, she will like this story. trying to get myself going. to get myself to write it down. but that’s not right. i don’t want to express it for anyone else other than just my own self & also just the general principle of open sharing. so that’s that. & then another is yes, i still feel absolutely terrified & was afraid all day about it.

    wow, weird. i’m interrupting this to call jx ? i’m a freak. but i keep thinking he will tell me something helpful…… weird. no answer ?

    eff i’m a freak.

    what ??? first the call cannot be completed in the country you are dialing from. then no ringing at all. wonder if he went to Peru ?

    hmmm…… i want answers. i want proof. i’m scared of all these mysteries & shadows & fogs & hints



  113.  #113tenny on December 20, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    I feel satiated. 🙂 I went out in the weather tonight after a lonnnnnngggggg day to get some siren food. What are you feeding yourself?



  114.  #114Daria on December 20, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    ok i thought lk (hi lk) wrote Dr. Daria and then isaw it changed in my eyes and said Dr. Starla and then i felt bad

    and kidna like whomped. and then a lil jealous and closed off

    thank you for loving me noticing and being brave to speak this Daria

    i feel shaky

    wow Daria you are really brave

    you must be really cloes to these women that you would share that with them

    and it would be safe

    wow



  115.  #115Daria on December 20, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    i fed myself sees chocolates w nuts and carmel

    it turned my tummy a lil bit and now i feel a tiny headache from down sugar and craving for FOOD

    and it also felt wonderful and i pooped the second time – and noted – chocoalte in the empty tummy encourages poop



  116.  #116Daria on December 20, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    a cd is coming to smoke w me now, i fele good ana lil bit pressured rushed by me

    i forgive me



  117.  #117Daria on December 20, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    rushed daria jumps around vulnerable and ungrounded and bumping into things people pleasing

    awww

    big hugs

    i feel so endeared towards her



  118.  #118Daria on December 20, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    feeling jealous of lk and starla closeness

    wow cool to notice this

    i love me

    flashes of kindergarten

    love me!!

    so cool

    sorry ladies for possibly triggering you



  119.  #119Starla on December 20, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    Tenny 113
    Giiirl, I just ordered sushi and tempura::D:D:D:D:D to my door *grin*

    it should be here soon:):)



  120.  #120Lizka on December 20, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Good evening!!

    I had another day on focusing on myself. Went for a jog after work, and than had a healthy dinner, colored my hair and now making my own pedicure.

    And not thinking of any man. I still feel surprised about that. I don’t receive a lot of men’s attention these days and I don’t really mind. In my pre-siren period, I would have send text messages here and there to get attention. And now… I don’t even think about it because I’m too busy doing things I lile. Hope this good vibe will last!

    I guess it’s just not time for me right now. Maybe in a fee days or in a few weeks… I don’t mind. And E said we could do something on Christmas Eve. I said maybe :). I kind of hope that he will realise this idea but if he doesn’t, I’ll just let it go. I know he’ll always be around anyway and if we are meant to be together, when the universe think it’s our time, something will happen. If not, it’s probably because someone else is meant to be for me.

    Ahhhh I love my new attitude! And I feel so happy and surprised and sincere and true about this!



  121.  #121tenny on December 20, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    @ Daria:

    Chocolate is indeed siren food 🙂
    – sorry it triggered your tummy 🙁



  122.  #122tenny on December 20, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    @ Starla

    I’m pan searing some fresh tuna steaks!!!! That sushi sounds perfect about right now!!!! enjoy!



  123.  #123Starla on December 20, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    “I guess it’s just not time for me right now”

    Lizka, I want to say “of course it is.” You make it your time by jogging and eating and pedicures and hair color:)

    You’re doing great!



  124.  #124Starla on December 20, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    cool tenny i pan seared a tuna steak last night and it was truly delicious.

    guess i’m in need of fish this week:)



  125.  #125tenny on December 20, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    @ Daria:

    That is so sweet about your cat. I know what you mean, cats are so sensuous and loving when they choose to be. I can hug my kitties all day long (when they let me).



  126.  #126tenny on December 20, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    @ Starla – I’m so feeling the fish lately. I can eat fish and seafood all month long when the mood hits me. It’s the seasoning that makes each dish different. I have a cabinet FULL of seasoning, and then I go to the market for fresh herbs … I’m passionate about my seasonings when I’m in the mood to cook.



  127.  #127tenny on December 20, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    @ Lizka

    I was thinking the same thing about it not being my time this week. But that’s the beauty of being a siren and CDing, there are only lulls between the wave of men. I was feeling bored of them last night because none of them are sexy, but realized I was triggered by thoughts of my ex . . . so it’s just the natural flow of things like you talked about. Just have to take care of ourselves in between waves. Reading your post made me feel better 🙂 Thank you



  128.  #128Starla on December 20, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    Ok Starla, let’s eat this food right now and not worry about being “productive.” the words will come..they always do:) and i won’t let you try to force beauty out without nourishing yourself first…it leaves you so drained and used up when you do that…i wish you wouldn’t…

    Come on, I got tempura and your favorite sushi roll, oooh you like that don’t ya:) big smile!



  129.  #129Butterfly wings on December 20, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    463 Rivergirl (from prev thread) – I didn’t realise you were on the east coast of Oz! Yay! So glad to have another siren on this side of the globe (not that I don’t love the rest of you of course!)! 🙂



  130.  #130Butterfly wings on December 20, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    484 Lili (from prev thread) – awwww I can so relate! But I agree with Diminique that making it about the fact that he wanted to buy you a present instead is a good way to go.

    I was having similar NVs about TH and the married woman (and any other woman that dared to spend time in his company) but when I finally took my focus off that and chose to believe that he was trustworthy and wanted ma and only me, that things finally changed. And that was only less than two weeks ago that this all shifted!

    Lili my best advice to you right now is to do whatever it takes to remove your focus off him while he’s gone. It did wonders for me. More on that later… xxxx



  131.  #131Butterfly wings on December 20, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    495 Sweetpea (from prev thread) – yep TH was the boy trying to push me off the seat!

    We often muck around, trying to push each other into bushes as we walk home too! Lol

    But at bedtime I just get beautiful warm cuddles!



  132.  #132Starla on December 20, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    i think this concludes my 17th day without a cigarette. Good job, Starla lol

    whatever, I quit all the time.

    oh well. I don’t feel like smoking right now.



  133.  #133Lizka on December 20, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Starla – Thank you. I haven’t think of things that way. It feels even better the way you said it! I love!

    Tenny – I’m happy I made you feel better! I don’t know, it never felt good like that to take care of myself. I feel amazed by it!!



  134.  #134Butterfly wings on December 20, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    Haha it’s me again! 😀

    TH is going out without me on Friday night. And I am TOTALLY fine with it! What a shift huh? In fact, I really don’t want to go and am looking forward to a quiet night in with my baby girl!

    I feel so good right now. I have my little glitches but mostly I feel happy, content and finally SECURE!

    Yay! How freeing!!

    Christmas day is all sorted now too. I have the morning with my family (TH has chosen not to join me) and the afternoon with TH and his family. His sister and I plan to celebrate the day with a bottle of pink Moët! Yummo!

    As for NYE, I have no idea what TH has planned, but I do know I’ll be staying home with my eldest who is having some friends over. TH said something about not wanting to go out but he tends to make last minute plans so it’s likely he’ll be out. Again I’m not really bothered. I want to save some money over the next year, so will start on Day 1!!!

    Oh! Yay Starla! Being an ex smoker myself I know it can be hard to stop. So good on you! xxx 🙂



  135.  #135Lizka on December 20, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    Arrrrgggg I don’t feel happy. I am getting ready for bed, and I hear my neighbour. She’s having a party. Again. She use to do it all the time, but she calmed down for a few months. And now she’s doing it again. Last Sunday, at 4 am, I heard her climbing the stairs and when she got into her appartment, she started the stereo out loud and all I could hear was boom boom and the walls vibrating! AT 4 AM !!!!! and this last until like 6 or 7 am! And now again, she’s having people and I hear them laughing and yelling. Sh*t it’s Tuesday!! Don’t you ever work?! How the h*ell am I suppose to take care of myself and have my beauty sleep. I am a reall cry baby with my sleep. I get all emotional and sad and mad now… Just because of this stupid neighbour…

    Sorry for spaming the blog with my neighbourood stories, I needed to share…



  136.  #136Starla on December 20, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    Thank you for the encouragement BW:)

    i think what helped is not wanting to wash my hair too much or else the hair dye would go much faster. So I stopped smoking cigs.

    vanity wins



  137.  #137Butterfly wings on December 20, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Haha Starla – I love how you think! 😉

    in most aspects of life we do what we do to avoid pain or achieve pleasure. In your case, the hair washing was your “pain”! And of course the pleasure was looking hot! Yay!



  138.  #138Butterfly wings on December 20, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    Lizka, have you tried using FMs with your neighbour to express how difficult it is for you when you’re woken up at stupid hours of the morning? xxx I like my sleep too!



  139.  #139Lizka on December 20, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    BW yes, I should try. But I really don’t feel comfortable doing it. I never talked to her. I just saw her a few times on the balcony. I’m really too shy to do that… Or maybe I’ll try… Arrgg I hate the situation.

    Will try to go sleep anyway. If you see me back here tonight it’s because she’s too noisy! Hehe

    Good night all! (And good morning BW)

    xoxo



  140.  #140VW on December 20, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    Hmm…i feel closed off and a bit angry…

    i gave someone a gift…and they shared it with someone else…

    it feels bad…:( i feel soo angry…arghhh

    sigh…

    i feel like crying…:( maybe gifts are to be shared with the world…i am being unreasonable…:( selfish…:(

    oh…yes…my mom used to do that…and my ex husband…take what i had and give it away without my permission…:(

    i had no rights…soemhow they had a sense of entitlement over my stuff…

    sigh…

    i feel good being asked if i am okay with sharing…somehow, i am acknowledged for my contribution…:(

    oh dear nvs…i love u guys…i love my “unreasonableness” and “high expectations”…i forgive u…i love u…thank u…



  141.  #141Butterfly wings on December 20, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    Lizka, maybe a heartfelt note in her mailbox will help? I’m sure the sirens here could help with a script. Just a thought anyway.

    And it’s afternoon here now – TH asked me to stay at work till he’s finished at 5.30, so it looks like I still have four hours to go! Ick! 🙂

    Sweet dreams Lizka. xxx



  142.  #142tenny on December 20, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    @ FW #2

    “So the question is: What is Life showing you about yourself right now? In other words, what do your current experiences tell you about what you are thinking, feeling, and believing? I’d love to hear your experiences with this insight in the Comments below.”

    Life is showing me that I am still a scared little girl looking for a boy to like me, to love me, to touch me, to be with me, to be my friend and more, forever.

    Life is showing me that deep down inside I am the same euphoric woman in the mirror trying on new lingerie for later in the night, sipping champagne and listening to music LOUD. S3xy me, yea.

    I am thinking that I am on the right path now to a continuously happy and satisfying existence.

    I am feeling more balanced than ever before, even with the constant triggering, even in my dreams.

    I believe that Rori is an angel- Blessings.



  143.  #143tenny on December 20, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    @ Daria #59

    What do you mean about manifesting a man? Is that like visioning? I’m feeling curious about that – tell me more please 🙂



  144.  #144Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    Oh ack! More healing and I feel anxious.

    I mentioned to MM that I’m feeling angry at my stepmom. I don’t know why I did that. I don’t want to talk to him about it. But he’s concerned and doesn’t want to let me drop it.

    I feel nauseous with anxiety. I want this healed and i don’t know how to do it. I feel incapable of it. I know I’m not, but I’m at a loss right now.

    I know, now’s the perfect time for a letter to Mom. Maybe I’ll write it in my book – to share with the world at a later date. I can always delete it, or copy and paste it elsewhere if I dedide I don’t want to share it.

    OMG! I feel close to tears with anxiety and blech!

    Mel… any words of wisdom here? Anyone?

    All I’ve ever done is leave her in peace. It feels bad that she apparently has a problem with me and I have no idea why. Is it just my perception? Maybe. If so, then why does she talk smack about me to my Dad? Why on earth would she believe she can/ or needs to tell him I won’t be his daughter if I don’t do such and such?

    Frack!! I don’t want to deal with this. Can’t I just tell her to f-off?

    No. I can’t.



  145.  #145Starla on December 20, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    Thank you Starla for writing out your whole essay except the concluding portion… now all you have to do is go back and edit it to sound all suave and slick oh.baby. lol. thank you very very much for not just giving up when you felt resistance. i feel so heard and important that you kept at it just because you knew it was part of my most important, cherished goal

    why don’t you take a break and get in the hot shower? That always makes you feel so nice and after you’ve spent some time connecting with your body and moisturizing your beautiful skin, you can get back into your head about this..



  146.  #146Starla on December 20, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    maybe you could tell MM that it feels so sweet that he wants to hear about your frustrations, and what would really feel comforting right about now is a big hug and someone to tell you it’s going to be okay, and ask him what he thinks
    or insert whatever it is that he could give you to make you feel better

    it’s just a maybe idea from me, but i wanted to give you SOMETHING so you can open up to him as he’s requesting, but not have to RIP yourself open lol, and still get good feeling comfort from him too!



  147.  #147LILI 41 on December 20, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    130:

    Thank you BW!

    That makes me feel better.

    Whew! What a day. Feel like I’m PMS’ing, but It’s not that time of my cycle.

    I was upset today after the NVs tookover last night.
    NVs tookover big time today too.
    It was D’s 2nd team Xmas party at noon.
    I started remembering what that was like last year…Awful!
    He had started drinking at noon, and only got home like at 10 at night stinkin drunk.
    We were used to spending every night together back then, and he would call to let me know that he wouldn’t be home, with who, where and when.
    But that was the 1st time he didn’t.
    We would always have dinner together, it was a given.
    Then no news. I was so upset. I had called him on his cell and he was drunk and was practically laughing in my face.

    Today I was remembering that and expecting it to be the same again at this yearly party of his.
    I was crying in the car on my way home from work, about an hour late.
    I realized I had forgotten my cell at home.
    When I picked it up, I say like 3 missed calls from him.
    When I called him, he was doing his grocery shopping and asked where the heck I had been.
    He was 5 minutes from my place and immediately rushed over.

    This year, he didn’t neglect pickiing up his son from school like he did last year.
    This year, he didn’t have slurred speach and he didn’t have a hint of alcohol smell on his breath.
    This year, he called my home phone and my cell phone 3 times.

    I gave him his Xmas present so he could wear it on Xmas day with his parents while I’m away.
    He absolutely loved it and was so smiley and happy.

    Arhh, BW you are so good and courageous to forgive the past. I admire you for that.
    It’s so hard! The NVs are loud!

    But this day ended well and I’m impressed at this Mr. responsible, eager to see me and smiley tonight. 🙂



  148.  #148lk on December 20, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    ok, anyway, i’ll try to write this. it feels weird. & not real ? it feels frightening. 1 time i tripped out & thought that Rori was actually posting as all the different women on here. that was hilariously paranoid & i feel that way now… like everyone is watching & i’m getting tricked into doing something that is actually bad for me or dangerous…..

    but sharing stories is good : ) & also, magic DOES NOT lose power from being talked about. i really don’t want to believe that.

    ok…… still 1 sec. still need a break.

    for 1 thing, yes i do believe in magic. my car is fixed even though they said the bar was cracked in half…. then the part just never ever came…. & 2 other mechanics looked at it, & now no sound. fixed !

    & then the other thing is that i was naughty & mean to myself not paying attention before bed & scratched my legs up, but it’s all healed today, even the little bruises. that feels scary to write. yes, i do sometimes hurt my skin when i’m nervous & not paying attention… but i’m so much better & not all Self-Hate when i forget & do it……

    i’m sorry lk for scratching you. i didn’t mean to, i just wasn’t paying attention. i know. it’s ok.

    oh i feel terrified still !

    ok, just go.
    ok 1 sec.
    seriously ?
    yes : /
    ok, go
    that’s a band
    shut up & go, then come back. jeez, lk. i need this written down so i can do other things like finish xmas gifts & make a grocery list.
    fine, fine. you’re so mean lk when you count & measure & worry & try to prove things.
    i know, i know, sorry : )
    much love in this schizo love fest zone lol

    ok……..

    giving space so i don’t have to look above….

    yes : ) ok, this is going to end up being the shortest story ever told & actually you have already told part of it. plus, how many millions of times have you thought you had fallen in love with a man ? millions ! ok, yes good, glad we’re all in agreement here.

    for crying out loud, lk. you really can’t be posting this shxt here. this is the absolute antithesis of this blog.

    actually, lk, that’s not true : ) this blog is about being authentic about your feelings & having boundaries & only allowing good feelings to stay around you like perfume & fanning away the bad feelings like smoke : ) ooh, pretty image, lk ! thank you ! & also i do like the way you do the separated punctuation sometimes… it looks nice to me & makes more sense : )

    hmmmm…. well i was feeling very scared the other night with CDcd…. because of me making weird scribbling on his windows, even though I am perfectly capable of making lovely flowery designs that would have felt much more Normal & Appropriate to be doodling all over some man-you’re-dating’s windows : /

    & i finally had to take a break. i felt weird. like… did i drink too much or something ? why do i feel nervous ? just had that 1 drink ? why am i so nervous ? am i drunk ? am i drunk ? oh, am i OCD ? oh, do i have a tendency to ruminate on pointless thoughts until they burn a hole in my brain & it seems like nothing is left of the brain but the hole ?

    OH, the Whole ? : ) lovely, let’s ruminate on that.

    ok, funny that you thought this would be short. this is looking long to me & i still want to take a break from You (me ? yes, you). lol jeez starla, you still think i’m not schizo lol ?

    btw so glad & thankful for this blog & humans that listen to me & don’t think i’m a nutter. makes me feel less nutty & then i actually become less nutty – it’s amazing.

    anyway, i don’t want to spend a ton of time thinking, oh, i’m nuts, because i am smart & do things & make decisions & help people & take care of myself. & i do also forget & neglect myself & intrude upon others…. but that is all just life & chaos & balance.

    alright. life is a bxtch. that’s chill, we got’s to keep on moving. yup

    so anyway, i stood up & ….

    yes, interrupted myself again. i am really good at that.

    ANYWAYS, yes, i stood up & walked to the counter with my empty glass & he said would you like water & i said yes but i looked up & my water glass was already full… so i said but i have some. i drank a little & pretended to flip through a magazine like a tiny baby girl human… & he came up behind me & opened his arms & i just took refuge. just leaned in, just breathing close. for a minute or so, just holding each other parallel, breathing. very warm. he’s very warm. & then his neck is also very very soft. oh and his ears are lovely. also his hair & his skull & the tissue around it, kind of fatty & very smooth. eyes that you can’t see the pupils. dark brown like the pictures of my children that i do not know. si y hablar en espanol es tan magnifico & the scent, the smell of him. oh i feel horrible at expressing this desire but i just will do it. i don’t want to hurt him or myself. it’s just so slow. the gentle pace of it just really flows with me & my life & i hope with him.

    there is not a lot of anxiety here. that is good. i’ve just had a cigarette & talked to a friend. she was telling me about men & yes, cigarettes. it’s partly the isolation, but it’s partly the group, the clique, the belonging. it’s both, & i don’t need it. we said, yes, it’s mostly an addiction : ) there’s not a lot else to it. would i judge myself if i decided not to eat raw tomatoes ? would i begrudge myself a bite of tomato ? meat eating, also. i have been on all sides of that & continue to travel.

    but the smoking & the skin picking & the drinking have all decreased actually, since coming under this man’s spell. i feel scared to write all those words: smoking picking drinking spell. scared too. oh well, i do love that fear : ) scary stories are my favorite : ) like poe or plath or hemingway oh but i promised myself i wouldn’t do that, so it’s back to the reason to quit, of course : ) that’s happy. i hope i do take the time to make this journal into a bound note for myself to look back on. that paragraph is helpful.

    i feel sad for a little of the judgment there. of mine & of whoever reads…. like….. oh, it’s ok : ) i’m ok. i really am. this is all very lovely & yes, i do enjoy it.

    i hope you also are well. it can be very difficult.

    but i am describing something that is not difficult. actually easy & lovely. but yes, actually still incredibly difficult. drawing on the windows with window markers & crayons. how ridiculous that that would make me freak out ! & of course we must take into consideration the green tea beforehand & also the abuelo rum & pepsi ………….. how silly.

    but the hug was good. & then of course like a silly dumb little girl (oh, sweet girls : ) i do love you & yes the silly is wonderful & natural & lovely) I went back to fake flipping through the magazine. & actually i was kind of looking at the headlines & a little interested, so there is that : ) & i did take the magazine with me, because it was actually a gift from him. he always gives me gifts. & starts my car & carries my things & opens my doors & covers my feet & makes me tea & makes me coffee & makes me breakfast at 5 in the morning so i can “sleep in” till 5:30…… & kisses me slowly. & takes my hand & is nervous & very human not at all perfect or a savior very lovely & normal & fantastic like lightning balls through the wall st. elmo’s fire : ) my grandmother tells that story & i beg her to tell it over & over & over again it’s so good lightning & then balls of light shooting across the room – you & your brother – your best friend who devastated you by going to live on the indian reservation for the summer but he brought the Chief & his daughter, & they brought beautiful beaded gifts for you & your dolls & now you’ve given them to us, your granddaughters. to me you gave the necklace from papa on your last christmas together & the earrings you bought yourself that look like matching & the set of knitting needles – all sizes & types also with cable counter rings – in the green watermark silk with the red ribbon – all faded from sitting out on the coffee table & smelling like you.

    mmmmm the stories……
    the hug… & then i forget a lot then. he said i have to do a chore & i said, “ok, well i want go re-set myself. it feels intense to make art around someone & be physically close. i want to do some aromatherapy.”

    so he went off & i went off & it was good to be alone & i had been stretching in front of him but i also did a lot alone & that felt nice. washed my face, brushed my teeth, put a little oil on my hair, changed into my nightgown. felt a little weird because i had showered at my parents’ so my hair smelled like chemicals & i was also glad because i used the razor in my backpack that cut me earlier to shave just the bottom & i didn’t know why… hadn’t shaved anything in months. just felt like it. felt all “pretty” like a magazine. but had also had the experience the night before showing my armpit hair to the men in the club & everyone being really angry, pretending to vomit in their mouths… it was really kind of shocking. i think my armpit hair’s pretty cute, & it’s funny that some would react… but possibly they thought i was seeking a reaction : ) also, possibly they have read PUA forum material lol & it was just a bxllsy neg

    so we met again & he said, do you want to heat up the chicken & broccoli? i said, no. i want to go to bed now & wake early & have it. i’d rather go to bed hungry than full & he understood. i drew the “understanding” tarot card tonight. i do want to feel understood & understanding. that is the thing i want most actually i think : ) & also just flowing, not clinging to anything i imagine might be keeping me from that good feeling of understanding : )

    he said, ok what time do you want to wake up ? i’ll set an alarm for a half hour earlier & i’ll wake before you & cook the chicken & the broccoli : )

    i was like, wow. that’s amazing. like shaky impressed by that offering. how nice. thank you. i said, oh i can wake with you & stretch & get ready that sounds amazing that sounds wonderful : )

    & we got into bed. i don’t like that mattress. first just cuddling. kissing again. oh my god that slow kissing it’s insane. & him touching my hip, but taking his hand away when i tensed up, then moving there again when he felt me relax. he called me baby one time which made me think of his ex girlfriend & also HT : ) that sweet boy : ) & feel compassionate & yes, i love to be called “baby”

    i notice that my body felt more at harmony after being close to him. also, when i was uncomfortable, he made up a palette on the floor which is actually how we both sleep when grumpy & left to our own devices. cuddling. kissing. slow kisses. ears & necks. that’s nice. actually chemistry i notice occurring. actual health-improving chemistry. in the air & in all the “exchange of fluids” – you understand ? CHEMISTRY oh i feel impatient with bossy lk’s intrusion. excuse me, male lk. i am having a serious conversation with myself.

    then kisses on the cheek. making coffee. making the chicken for breakfast, starting my car. carrying my things. i love my repetitions. i love my OCD. i love my labels i love my absence & independence from labels I like how OCD reminds me of the O.C. tv show & also of the word DONUTS & also of CODE & also of COD but i don’t think i’ve ever eaten that but i suppose i probably have. also of DOC : ) like the bunny too with the carrot Bugs : ) also just of EMERGENCY lettering : ) i love fonts

    ok normal intrusion, thank you lk : ) no problem my pleasure this is really easy for me : ) lol

    he did say, do you want to sit on the couch & watch the sunrise ?

    it was beautiful, but after all the moving & rushing we didn’t have time & it was sad.

    hmmmmmmmmm i should have just stayed & cuddled a minute longer. maybe. there are no “should”s in life really though.

    what if he’s dead tomorrow ?

    oh, lk, well what if you are ?

    ohhh i see what you’re saying : )

    & of course like i said before the whole thing was just as i very first imagined, before meeting him & have been “practicing” for. like, actually he said the same 2 lines that have been my mantra. out loud. same lighting. same emotion. effed up shxt. i’m serious.

    ok, lk ? what’s your point ?

    i don’t know. i’m just me here today right now

    i hear that !

    ok.. if i had to make a “point” it would be that…

    it doesn’t matter what i think about anything. it just matters how i feel & what i want : ) also, hate is like frozen is like ice & stuck & stopped & love is like warm like water & flowing & open : ))))))

    also, i just love socks & i love to stretch : ) & i love blankets & that smell & the slow kisses & i love fake flowers & real flowers & all the other things, the songs, the sounds, the apparitions, the daylight, yeah, all of it

    ummmm also………… i have to pee. 1 sec.

    wow that actually turned into an ordeal. lot of thinking went on.

    i’d like to call CDcd presently to tell him about the calcium magnesium & also to say about Thursday & possibly i’ll go wild & say xmas eve. probably not.

    i forgot about the part where i said to him, “i have to tell you something… & don’t be weird about it …. or actually, be as weird as you want about it…. but i don’t think you’ll be weird about it..” he was like what ? i explained that i had not shaved my legs or armpits in months & months but he just said, “oh, i don’t mind. are you self-conscious of it?” not judging i thought just asking & i said, “no : ) it is interesting though & new to me : ) ” that was all nice & we chatted a little about it the next morning because i told him about the men chastising me & he emphasized that it did not matter to him at all & i said yes, maybe i will shave it, maybe i won’t & plus i body brush so maybe the texture will change & he also thought if i wear pants as the hair grows longer i will lose some of it LOL how did i get myself into this situation?

    same question, different day.



  149.  #149LILI 41 on December 20, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    I am going away on the 22nd to be w my family on my mom’s bday on the Friday and the huge extended family on Xmas.
    I will be away for a whole week without D.
    He will be taking me to the bus terminal.

    Sooo looking forward to being w the family. It does me a world of good every time I go. 🙂



  150.  #150Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    Starla @ 146,

    Thanks for that. It feels good to be heard and offered heartfelt advice.

    I don’t know what to do. He’s out of town still. He won’t be back until tomorrow. It does feel good that he wants to ride in and rescue me, yet I feel fear around that, too, because I don’t want to feel in need of rescuing. And I feel that all too often at this point in time.

    I’m a big girl, why can’t I just take care of myself? I feel completely inadequate right now as far as that goes. I hate asking for help, but I do it anyway. And then I get kicked in the teeth for it. Because I should be able to take care of myself they say. And they’re completely right.



  151.  #151lk on December 20, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    oh, hi Dr. Daria : )))



  152.  #152Butterfly wings on December 20, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    Lili, I’m so glad D was so good! See? You were worrying for nothing!

    And I bet he’s going to miss you like crazy when you’re away!

    Like I said the other day about TH, if I keep not trusting him he’s going to give me a good reason not to. And it feels sooooo freeing to finally let go of my mistrust!

    And now that I’ve let go of that and aren’t so on edge, he wants to be around me more than ever! I suppose I’m more fun to be around now and things are no longer tense. 🙂
    xxxx



  153.  #153Butterfly wings on December 20, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    Sweetpea, men like to come to the rescue. I suppose it’s their masculine way of solving your problems.

    He wants to help you. And I’m sure there’s no woman around threatening him if he gives you help either. Remember, he isn’t your father. He’s just a guy who wants to be there for you!

    xxxx



  154.  #154lk on December 20, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    @Sweetpea 150

    “I should be able to take care of myself”

    “No man is an island”

    there is no person or particle on earth that does not both depend on & contribute to other forces

    independent & dependent arising bam spooky action at a distance & particle / wave states



  155.  #155lk on December 20, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    @Sweetpea 150

    sorry i ranted at you – it was unintentional.

    i meant to say that you should not feel guilt at accepting help from those who freely give to you : ) it’s just the flow : ) pass it on in smiles

    i feel like such a hippie barefoot baby like other kids on this blog will bully me o.0 ummm but yes, i’m going to bed.



  156.  #156lk on December 20, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    goodnight sweet ladies, good night good night

    that was a gift to the Flower & i from jx : ) old memories & sweet friendships & love just doesn’t ever die



  157.  #157Esteemed on December 20, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    Daria,

    I’m half asleep and missed the number…you said, “i can also start calling myself Dr. Daria right now so that i loudly and colorful display my belief that i rock and that grad school is not really anything real besides an aggregation of literature and speeches/ speakers”

    Dudette, check this out: College Conspiracy
    http://www.youtube.com
    College education is the largest scam in U.S. history! http://inflation.us/



  158.  #158Esteemed on December 20, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    Daria,

    I’m half asleep and missed the number…you said, “i can also start calling myself Dr. Daria right now so that i loudly and colorful display my belief that i rock and that grad school is not really anything real besides an aggregation of literature and speeches/ speakers”

    Dudette, check this out: College Conspiracy

    It’s at inflation dot us.



  159.  #159Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    Oh beautiful BW @ 153,

    Is it really that simple? I feel alot of anxiety around him rescuing me, too. Because he mentioned once that his ex was in need of rescue and he should’ve known better. And now here he is, wanting to rescue me.

    It feels like a pattern – and one that didn’t have a happy ending for him in the past. This is way too deep for me to express right now. I never needed rescuing before. I don’t want to be the damsel in distress. But I don’t want to be hard and act like I have my shyte together when I don’t either.

    Blech, blech, blech!!!

    I suspect, considering MM is a father himself that he would have some words of wisdom for me, but I don’t want to feel this vulnerable with him. This feels too much to share. I don’t want him to see me as a loser. Dammit! I just barely shared with him all this other vulnerability, must I always be vulnerable with him?

    I wanna be the cast iron b**ch I used to be on this one. Just once with him, I wanna be tough as nails and not expose my soft underbelly. I know that it’s a good thing that I feel safe with him and that he’s helped me to heal so much. He can help me to heal this, too, but this feels different, somehow, because it doesn’t directly affect him.



  160.  #160Esteemed on December 20, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    Please excuse me for being MIA! I was at a friend’s work party painting until 1 am yesterday, and I’ve been doing a huge unpacking project all day at my own house. I got a huge amount done! I am thinning junk out and organizing, and I rearranged my living room so it looks even cozier now!

    It’s a big living room, so I decided to make half of it my office, in order to leave the 2nd bedroom open for strictly a guest room. So if any of you are in the area, come visit me! 🙂 I got a craftmatic adjustable bed in there!

    The best part is my inner healing continues! I moved a huge piece of stuck energy by doing the unpacking and sorting I did today! When I moved almost two years ago, I left a lot of stuff in boxes, because of deep depression and because it never felt like home. I just didn’t feel like settling in. So the boxes I went thru today are stuff from then, stuff I haven’t seen for two years. I emptied 15 boxes; filled my large outdoor trashcan; filled a box to donate.

    I really pushed myself, because I am determined to fully enter into my new life as a woman who is healed and happy, not depressed. I sorted stuff into plastic bins according to which room it belongs. So now I still have loaded plastic bins in a lot of rooms, but it is all ready to just put away. I am still going to thin more clutter out as I go along, stuff like movies and CDs. I don’t need it all, and it is taking up too much space.

    The better I feel inside, the better my life looks outside.
    The better my life looks outside, the better I feel inside! 😆



  161.  #161Esteemed on December 20, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    Daria,

    I went to college for 4.5 years. Because I changed my major so many times, I ended up 4 courses short of a BA.

    Altho I would like to officially have the piece of paper that society calls a diploma, I am thoroughly convinced that I could and should and would like to get a BETTER education just through self study. I learn best when I study that which I feel passionate about. Obviously we ladies on this blog feel passionate about inner healing, romance, and such!

    Heaven on earth to me would be to lock myself in my house for a month and just do what felt good to do…and that would include an immense amount of reading and writing! That’s real learning in my book!



  162.  #162Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    lk @ 155,

    Therein lies the problem. The help from my Dad doesn’t feel like it was given freely. I want to give it back, yet that would feel like “cutting my nose off to spite my face,” as my dad used to put it so aptly.

    I’m getting better at receiving without guilt and that feels necessary to me – yes. Being able to accept freely what is freely given. This stuff with my Dad feels like I’ve taken a big step backward in that – just lost all the progress I’ve made.

    Maybe that’s why it feels so bad. I’m trying to HEAL here dammit! Thanks for cutting that scar back open, jerk. Sarcasm, it may be the ugly cousin of anger, but is it really any uglier? I think anger is the ugly cousin.

    And no offense taken.

    Btw, you remind me lots of my cousin. My uncle is convinced that there’s something “off” with her, mentally. But darned if the psychiatrists can diagnose her with anything. Just thought I’d share that. I’ve been thinking that you remind me of her, and then I read where you’re thinking you might be schizo, and hmmm…. she worried about that for awhile to, but nope.

    People who are crazy, generally don’t ever question whether they are is what the psychiatrist where I used to work used to say.



  163.  #163Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    Esteemed @ 159,

    Yay!! for you!!

    I feel so excited and happy for you!



  164.  #164Esteemed on December 20, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    Mmmm! I’m drinking hot cider with spices: cinnamon, cloves, orange, and lemon flavors.



  165.  #165Esteemed on December 20, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    Hi Sweetpea!

    Thanks! I love it here!



  166.  #166Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    BW, I just went back and read what you wrote again because it moved me to tears. This part:
    “He wants to help you. And I’m sure there’s no woman around threatening him if he gives you help either. Remember, he isn’t your father. He’s just a guy who wants to be there for you!”…

    really struck a chord in me. The first thing that came up… I don’t even know what the first feeling was. Talk about a “soup of emotions.” Shouldn’t my dad wanna be there for me for a change? Wow! There’s a lot of hurt here that needs to be healed.

    How much healing can one girl endure in a lifetime? And how the hell have I made it this long needing this much healing?! I feel overwhelmed and scared.

    I want my Mom! (This must be my inner 3 year old needing love).



  167.  #167Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    Esteemed @ 164,

    Good to see you sounding so content.



  168.  #168Esteemed on December 20, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    (((Sweetpea))),

    How I wish you still had your Mom…I can’t imagine the pain of such a deep loss. I cry for you when I think of it.



  169.  #169Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    Esteemed @ 167,

    Thanks. You’re such a sweet, sensitive soul.



  170.  #170Esteemed on December 20, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    Sweetpea,

    Thanks! I feel blessed left and right, in the midst of unemployment. I look around this house and feel amazed! It is beautiful!



  171.  #171elle_emme on December 20, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    hey sirens,

    Just wanted to express my happiness with my CD situation. I can’t really share it with anyone else…I had a great CD tonight. Sweetest guy. Giving…opening doors, buying drinks, following through. Supportive. I felt radiant by the end of the night. And i came home to a message from another cd wanting a date for tomorrow.

    Life feels pretty sweet!



  172.  #172Esteemed on December 20, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    (thanx, JuJu)
    In this life I’m a woman.

    In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear. When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate.
    You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

    … When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

    If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

    If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

    Yup… gonna be a bear.



  173.  #173Esteemed on December 20, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    “Yes, I’m single.

    You’re going to have to be amazing to change that!” 🙂



  174.  #174Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    This sucks! I know I have to heal this or it will become a pattern in my life. I fail to understand how someone can be so small and petty as to come between a person and someone they love. That’s how it feels to me.

    I left a guy I was madly in love with and refused to marry him because his son was being small and petty and it felt as if he was forcing his dad to choose between me or him. I refused to be in the middle of it, so I walked away.

    So if this is a mirror, what is reflecting to me? I don’t want to walk away from my dad, yet that was my first instinct.

    Hmmm. Maybe that’s an option, actually. To tell my dad that it feels as if he’s being forced to make a decision between me and his wife, so I’m stepping away because I refuse to be in the middle of it.

    Dear Lord, that’s what I want to do – all the way to my very core. I don’t want to come between anyone and someone they love.



  175.  #175Esteemed on December 20, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    Everyone has six names:
    1. Your real name: ______ ______ _____
    2. Your detective name (favorite color and favorite animal): Purple Dog
    3. Your soap opera name (middle name and street you live on): ______ Chesapeake
    4. Your Star Trek name (first 3 letters of last name, first 2 of middle name, first 2 of first, last 3 of last): ___________
    5. Superhero name (Color of your shirt and first item to your right): Blue Mug
    6. Goth name (black and name of one of your pets): Black Katey



  176.  #176Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    Grrr! I feel so frustrated right now. And I need sleep. I don’t have to heal this tonight. I feel weary of crying. My eyes feel like they have sandpaper in them. I know that tears are healing, but I feel weary of the tears.

    I want sweet, blessed sleep.



  177.  #177Sweetpea on December 20, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    Heehee. My friend who’s a photographer and making greeting cards with her photos on front, showed me one of a statue she took. It’s of these two cherubic looking babies fighting. One’s choking the other. I told her I want to send it to my dad’s wife with nothing but, “No. He loves me more!” written inside of it.

    It feels so petty and senseless to me. I don’t understand it. Can’t we all just get along?

    Can she really feel threatened by me? Or is that me projecting.

    I feel hella threatened by her right now. As if, if she remains part of my dad’s life, I’ll lose him completely. Again. I don’t want that.

    Grrr! Blech! Yuck! Ick!

    I hate this! Enough spamming the blog for one night. Sweet dreams, Sirens. Blessings and peace to all – including me.



  178.  #178Daria on December 20, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    so much practice with my CD i decided is cheap

    standing up for me

    ‘i don’t want to go to the mall again (we did twice)’

    “i Like suhi”

    i like pizza

    no i dont want to go home right now

    i dont know what we should do

    AND i asked him to buy me a lotion

    yay



  179.  #179Daria on December 20, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    he said he might not see me again – when i said no to being grabbed.

    he says i dont love him

    i said yeah i like you youre cool

    it felt bad to hear him say that, but i don’t feel much concerned

    i feel good about me

    and about the treatment i require



  180.  #180Butterfly wings on December 20, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    Awww Sweetpea I’m thinking of you way down here!

    Could it be that what’s happening now is a lesson on opening your heart and being vulnerable?

    Like you, I’ve always been independent and didn’t even confide in my parents when my husband was verbally abusing me for 9 years. Nobody knew. I just kept it all bottled up inside.

    So for me, learning to accept help and to receive has been interesting for me. And TH has been the man to unknowingly help me break down my walls about that.

    As a masculine man, it’s in his nature to give and to want to look after me. And only now am I feeling somewhat comfortable and open to it (ok, still a bit iffy about $850 dresses but getting there!!).

    Not long ago I was upset about an issue with the custody of my daughter. Normally I would have bottled that in. But this time I decided to show my feelings. All he did was hold me while I cried but I know it felt good to me.

    By closing my heart in the past I was locking him out. And as Rori says in commitment blueprint, having an open heart and being totally vulnerable to a man is the strongest place to be.

    As for what’s going on with your father, I’m not sure where he’s coming from. But she obviously has some issues too. Could it be that in the past she was badly hurt by a guy and it had something to do with his daughter? Could she be healing from deep hurt too?

    There’s obviously something going on in her head and I’ll bet it has nothing to do with you.

    I hope this has all come out right and I’ve not upset you more. It’s so hard on the phone! Counting down to home time!! xxxx



  181.  #181Daria on December 20, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    Yay Elle – Im



  182.  #182Daria on December 20, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    I feel mad defensive shut down, scared sad guilty shaky, judgmental — getting all stoic and hard … i love me!

    i want to heal this

    sorry for any triggers and pain 🙁



  183.  #183Daria on December 20, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    im feeling really tight around my mouth

    im feeling very jumpy and vulnerable and shut down and defensive

    i love me

    i feel afraid of me

    i feel afraid me will attack me

    i love me

    me feels very shaky with contained energy… rage…

    i love my rage

    wow!!

    sigh



  184.  #184Daria on December 20, 2011 at 11:46 pm

    i feel tight in my tummy around 3rd chkra

    and tingl and tight in my butt cheeks and hips and legs – 1st chakra

    and tight in my jaw and mouth 5th chakra

    i love me



  185.  #185Daria on December 20, 2011 at 11:47 pm

    wow big yawn felt good

    tight in my shoudlers was tingly

    and my neck

    wow i felt so TENSE

    wow

    i was ready to POUNCE

    i love me

    shakie

    shifver

    i love my shkay shiver



  186.  #186Daria on December 20, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    omogosh feeling upset

    feeling tight inside

    feelin like might cry if could let go of teh tightness

    and cand let go of the tightness

    not even trying

    feeling shaky

    feeling the heart in there might be heartbreakin

    love me me

    feeling tight in my throat

    like a hand grabbing me and thumbs goin up under my jaw



  187.  #187Daria on December 21, 2011 at 12:01 am

    im feeling SAD

    but just realilzed i have a lil bit of weed so might feel exciting to smoke it while my parens are asleep

    which would be soon

    ha!

    how exciting for me

    i still feel uncomfortable to write this when im feeling upset in my chest

    actually i fele like a betrayed feeling

    i love me

    i feel guilty

    and i feel shaky

    and probalby scared covered by numbness

    lots of numbness

    wow i lov eme



  188.  #188Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 12:45 am

    BW @ 181,

    Thank you. I feel cared for and yes, everything you said has helped.

    I’ve done a lot of soul searching tonight, a lot of crying and a lot of healing. I’m feeling about my dad right now like I did about my last boyfriend. I still love him, and I believe he cares about me, but I know that despite his caring and his best intentions, I can’t have a relationship with me because he’s toxic for me and will continue to hurt me.

    He left my mom, who he was still married to, when she was sick and dying and needed him the most. He left me too, when I needed him the most. And now, in essence he’s doing so again. I can’t keep subjecting myself to that. I have to keep my highest good at heart.

    I feel at peace knowing this. I don’t think he’s capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved and I think, just like I would with a toxic man, it’s time I accept that and only let people who CAN love me get that close to me.

    I love him. It feels like a huge, grieving loss, but I feel better knowing I won’t keep subjecting myself to the emotional pain over and over and over again. Everytime I let him in, he hurts me. Christine Arylo speaks of only letting those in your life who can love you unconditionally. I don’t think he truly knows how to love. He loves me as much as he’s capable, but it’s just not enough. It feels sad, but I feel so much better being able to accept that and to say, “no. I won’t accept this kind of treatment from any man, for any reason. Not even my dad. I love myself too much for that.”
    I love my dad, but I believe he’ll continue to hurt me too. I think it’s time to cut my losses. I can still love him, but I think it’s best I do so from a distance.



  189.  #189Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 12:56 am

    BW,

    On the other hand, I feel good about talking about this with MM. I feel safer with him than I do with my own father and that feels infinitely jacked up.

    I knew I had to heal my relationship with my dad before I could ever have a decent relationship with a man. At this point though, I can love what I love about my dad and I do love him deeply, but I can’t keep subjecting myself to love that doesn’t feel safe to me.

    I can’t have a healthy, healing relationship with someone who doesn’t truly know how to love. It feels bad to write and the funny thing is, my heart still feels open to him. It just doesn’t feel open to being hurt like this anymore. It’s a very surreal feeling. I feel open to his showing me that he loves me if he’s able, but I just don’t think he is. And I’m not willing to work for anyone’s love anymore. And I’m realizing it does feel like work, trying to get him to love me. Yuck!

    Just like my grandpa though, who told me at my mom’s funeral that it was my fault she died, I love him too. I’ve forgiven him. But I never subjected myself to that kind of abuse again. And I don’t feel a bit guilty or shameful about it.



  190.  #190Butterfly Wings on December 21, 2011 at 1:04 am

    Sweetpea, what you’re saying sounds very healthy. There will always be people that come into your life that aren’t good for you. But rather than hate them it’s best to just walk away from them – remove them from your life. Cos while they’re in it they’re not making you happy!

    I cannot believe your grandpa said that though, and OMG is all I can say! My grandfather was a bit like that and my sister to this day still feels pain over something he said to her when she was little. I just don’t think they know how to love as you say, because if they did, they wouldn’t do or say those types of things.

    It’s more sad for them though as I see it, because they lose you from their life as a result.

    My ex #1 I kind of put in that category. I don’t hate him for how he used to treat me, but I do feel pity for him because he lost me from his life as a result of his treatment of me. Sadly he treats his third wife (I was #2!) just as badly as he treated me. He has not learnt.

    Oh well…. his loss!



  191.  #191Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 1:06 am

    As far as my dad’s wife, I feel compassionate toward her and her journey, but I won’t tolerate being treated this way by her any longer, either. I can’t.

    I got in touch with my three year old self tonight and realized that she’s the one who was feeling as if she’s coming between them. She and I had a long talk and some good healing. I won’t continue to subject her to it. She deserves better and so does her grown up self.

    My healing is my highest priority right now and this is what feels good to me. Just walk away. I can love them both (that’d be a stretch for the wife), but I can love my dad still and respect him and appreciate him. That doesn’t mean I accept subpar treatment from him though. I have for too long. I’ve accepted his logic and his reason and I’ve told him I understand.

    The truth is though, I don’t. I don’t understand how you leave a terminally ill wife and sixteen year old daughter to move 300 miles away. That’s not the kind of love I want from a man. And in accepting it from him, I believe I’ve opened myself up to men who love that same way.

    I want a man who loves me unconditionally. A man who puts my highest good above his own. A man who takes care of his family and his responsibilities even when it sucks. And it feels horrible to write this, but my dad hasn’t shown me that he’s that kind of man. I love him, but I don’t want that kind of man. I don’t want to keep accepting that kind of behavior, even from him, and sending the message to the Universe that that’s the kind of love I want.

    I want deep, abiding, unconditional love.

    My Dad wouldn’t leave me, even when it sucked when I was a child. But when the going really got tough, he “hit the road, Jack.” I don’t want that in my life.



  192.  #192Laughing Goddess on December 21, 2011 at 1:30 am

    oh my goodness, I am having a bit of a meltdown at the moment.

    I flew all day and am now at my dad’s house. I’m laying in bed and starting to freak out a bit.

    I miss my sweetie and dogs and cat and my bed and my cozy home….and my routine and my life…and my sweetie…oh gawd

    And I just feel really uncomfortable right now and I am trying to sleep and I feel tightness and pain in my calves.

    And honestly, I think the main cause for the meltdown is that I hardly ate anything today.

    Sweetie made me a yum breakfast…steak, eggs, avo, and cornbread…yum

    and then I literally have not eaten anything else except for a few potato chips.

    It was already late when I got here, way past dinnertime, and my dad asked if I was hungry and I said no, cuz I didn’t want to put him out.

    And now I am laying in bed and I am so hungry and thirsty. And now I am crying.

    And I feel resistant to going down to the kitchen and getting anything b/c I don’t want to wake anyone up and they eat so differently than me. I don’t even know what I would eat.

    I’m having a meltdown

    And I wanted to come see my family and now I feel scared of family drama and am imagining awful possibilities of what could happen.

    I know I can turn this around, yet I find it much more challenging to use my magic when my body isn’t well-nourished.

    why don’t I just go downstairs and get something to eat ?

    what is going on with me???

    I feel so out of my element.

    Tomorrow I can go to the health food store and buy food that I like, until then, I’m going to have to find something that I can eat. This is nuts.



  193.  #193Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 1:35 am

    I feel like I lost him now, the same way I lost my mom. I still love him, just like I love my mom. It really hurts, but it doesn’t feel bad like it has the last couple of days.

    It feels peaceful knowing I can have boundaries even with my dad. I can still love him but say, “I don’t accept this.”

    I can’t allow it – I love me too much. I don’t want to analyze why he treats me this way. He’s shown me what he’s shown me. I appreciate and love him for all that he’s taught me. And maybe all is not lost. Maybe in creating boundaries with him, we’ll be able to heal.

    I feel distrustful of him though. I wrote him a letter telling him how I feel and expressing my boundaries. I feel hesitant to send it to him though. I don’t want to hurt him and I know it will. I don’t want to reject him as it feels he’s rejected me. I love him. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt anymore though either.

    MM was really mad when I told him that my dad’s wife said if I didn’t pay him back, I’m not his daughter anymore. He told me we’ll talk about it when he gets home and it’s not about me. I feel cared for. It feels safe and good, but scary.



  194.  #194Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 1:38 am

    LG @ 192,

    Go get something to eat. Even if you wake them, they’ll understand. Take care of you.



  195.  #195Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 1:46 am

    BW,

    His loss. Yep. His, not mine.

    Nope. Mine too in this case. But it feels better, safer this way.

    I have to get some sleep now. It’s almost 3 am.

    I don’t know if I’ll see MM tomorrow, but a nice warm, safe feeling hug would be great about now.

    Funny. I used to feel so afraid of attracting a guy like my dad. And MM is lots like him in the ways that I admire. Yet I don’t feel afraid. I’m not thinking “omg! He’s just like my dad.” Not even now.

    Maybe he is like my dad. Maybe he’s like my dad in the bad ways too. Maybe he’s not capable of the kind of love I desire. But for now, he’s not shown me that. He hasn’t abandoned his kids. I’m not going to worry about that right now. I feel at peace that it’s not freaking me out, and I trust that not accepting poor behavior will continue my healing process. If MM’s like my dad in the bad ways too, then I’ll figure that out soon enough. And I’ll continue to heal.



  196.  #196Daria on December 21, 2011 at 1:50 am

    i feel so upset and disappointed

    every time i think i have a solid gf, something happens and i feel … not safe

    ok that is a doomy thought

    what i feel is upset

    so upset im holidng it tight

    i love me

    thanks for holding it tight Daria

    i feel unworthy

    i had to pull on myself to capitalize my name

    i feel ashamed

    i feel guilty

    i feel hard recalcitrant resitant

    i love my hardness

    my shame my guilt



  197.  #197Laughing Goddess on December 21, 2011 at 1:52 am

    ok, I got a big glass of apple juice and that helped.

    And I put on an extra layer of clothes so I’m not laying in bed shivering.

    Mental note…find a thicker blanket for tomorrow night.

    and, Eat Some Food!

    There, there, you are feeling better now, LG? That apple juice really helped, huh?

    Next time, let’s plan ahead for food or at least accept it when someone offers. You need nutrition, my dear one, so that you can share your light with the world.

    How can we move past this little game you’ve been playing with yourself about food lately? What’s the deal?

    I dunno, I just feel sorta blah about food. All this talk about what is healthy and what isn’t, organic, raw, cooked, blah, blah, blah

    I feel sick of it. It’s too much to think about and it’s expensive and blah blah blah

    and besides, if I get too hungry, sweetie will just take care of me.

    Uh no, he’s not here so you’re gonna have to figure something else out.

    You could just eat their food but you are too snobby for that, huh?

    no, not snobby I just want to eat healthy.

    Hey, it’s literally better than nothing. You have to eat something.

    Oh blah, boring. Talk to me when you have something interesting to say.



  198.  #198Daria on December 21, 2011 at 1:53 am

    this feels overwhleming

    i want to heal this

    thank u



  199.  #199Daria on December 21, 2011 at 1:54 am

    holding tight

    hold on to the tears

    u gotta be strong now

    gotta be strong and inpenetrable while they attack u

    and misundertsnd u

    oh wait

    this is like with my paretns

    i want to heal this



  200.  #200Daria on December 21, 2011 at 1:56 am

    i love my numbness

    i love my lump in my throat

    i love my horror



  201.  #201Laughing Goddess on December 21, 2011 at 1:58 am

    I like talking to myself like that. That was fun!

    The apple juice is starting to kick in and I am feeling better already.

    Food=amazing

    Hi Sweetpea, Daria!

    Thanks for the advice, Sweetpea (((hugs)))



  202.  #202Daria on December 21, 2011 at 1:59 am

    well im destined to be alone

    no one can really be around me cuz im so radical and changing and growing so much who can keep up with my crazy self

    no one

    so i will jsut be

    me the rock

    that feels powerful

    and also sad numb and lonely if i let myself feel the lonely



  203.  #203Daria on December 21, 2011 at 2:01 am

    Hi Laughing Goddess

    i feel upset and stony and irritable and feel scared that i will judge you and attack you right now and feel judgemetnal of me

    and i love me



  204.  #204Laughing Goddess on December 21, 2011 at 2:03 am

    That was a cool exercise, having my ‘parts’ talk to each other.

    I would prefer that they speak more kindly to each other. They felt a little harsh.

    I think they might be frustrated with each other right now…hopefully we can forge a peace treaty.



  205.  #205Daria on December 21, 2011 at 2:16 am

    im tribal

    im from the earth

    im primal

    im one of the domesticated ones

    who thinks its good i got my ass beat

    who thinks i need to be beat in order to do something right

    do it right

    ugh

    too much i even lost my thought

    oh i

    am the innocent one

    i thought i took it upon myself

    to beat beat beat beat beat myself

    oh i am alive

    i am so innocent

    i am the eyes of the newborn



  206.  #206Laughing Goddess on December 21, 2011 at 2:22 am

    I feel speechless right now. Going to bed.



  207.  #207Daria on December 21, 2011 at 2:24 am

    im the only one who can deal with me

    all the time

    and thats real

    and i dont know if i can accept that

    i dont know if i can deal with that

    that im the only one that likes me

    no one likes me

    only i like me

    and thats the way it is

    forevermore

    *doom*

    mmmffffff

    i have to be ok with that

    thats my lot

    grimy living

    i dont get love

    i dont get easy living

    i dont get love

    i dont get safety

    i dont get having it easy

    i get having it hard

    i get persevering
    i
    get anaconda

    child dreams

    i get badass dreams

    mmmmfff

    i kill people in my dreams

    kinda on purpose

    wow

    like

    gangsta style

    not that wierd shit

    that would feel weird

    ok i am just talking FICTION

    FIC TION

    GET ME!

    ty.

    i feel unsafe

    being alive in this world

    get the F E dz up of fme

    swat em off like fliess

    aaaa

    i feel afraid of the government

    ive been programmed by my born invironment

    i can shift this with EFT

    ok

    lets do it right now

    why

    cuz im with you

    ad mim daria

    and i actually care about you

    and yourell actully let me

    cuz ill actually let you

    care about me

    ok Daria and Daria

    the twins

    gemini

    yeah baby

    so lets do it twin

    ok twin

    mmm

    Even though i have been programmed since birth to fear a big brother type society and everything that means to me…

    I love and accept myself.

    what would something else look like

    that feels free and happy and safe

    i dont know

    i feel scared

    right now

    i just want to honor that



  208.  #208Daria on December 21, 2011 at 2:26 am

    i am about to dive into the pleasure and freedom black hole of the universe



  209.  #209Daria on December 21, 2011 at 2:27 am

    an after that i always get everything i want

    and i always want cool things

    and life is that other magical

    warp tunnel

    omg



  210.  #210Daria on December 21, 2011 at 2:31 am

    hello i would like my parents to go throw a party, somewhere, like romantic… like halfmoonbay right now

    and i get here and i have NohCD over

    and have him kiss and lick my toes

    for like an hour

    and be naked

    with the nicest but and the hugest dick ive ever seen

    even tho it has lil hangy things under neath

    i feel embearrased

    im like are thoe contagious

    i kinda feel scared

    and i dont want to be judgemtntal

    so i will ask

    i know he got checked up he Told me on the phone

    hmm of course he could be lying

    i hear you voices

    in my head

    i was in the middle of fantasizing

    and using him for “attractive man” role

    ok so

    right

    so hes naked

    shoot he got naked on his own

    ok its like a porno now

    ok

    one of my babydaddies is a porno store

    star

    i miss my NyGuy babydaddy

    omg our baby would be the coolest person in the world

    ehd be born welldressed with shades on



  211.  #211Daria on December 21, 2011 at 2:36 am

    what do yall think about having a baby with a guy just cuz you think hes got teh best genes on the planet.

    i kinda did that a few times and held back

    then im like

    im a coward

    i dont want to hold back when its a GREAT combo for my blood and im sooo feelin it

    hmmmmmm

    pufa

    pufa

    i can see myeslf havin his baby

    and both of us knowin why

    just cuz we both fly

    ummmfff

    its his vision

    😛

    and what i want is to be married?

    i want to be married to amn like THAT

    he doesnt want that

    pffta

    eefff get up off me

    ok

    eff u

    i like goddess sex

    but he seems like he knows smoetimes

    when he says the sweet things

    help im lost in sugar honey again

    hes got my heart open and its blinding me

    my heart is bigger than my chest than my shoulders

    its way over my face

    its gold

    shinging gold

    like the sun

    that wat my heart feel like

    ummf these men

    y i cant have one like that

    i want one like that

    who said you cant have on

    experience

    they move away from me

    so sad

    i dono wat i want

    u want pretty man

    u want good sex man

    u want brave man

    i want all those things man

    i want superman man

    mmm



  212.  #212Butterfly wings on December 21, 2011 at 2:47 am

    Sweetpea, when you walk away from someone like that, there’s always going to be some sense of grief or loss at first.

    But I guarantee that you will eventually look back on your decision and be 100% happy you did what you did.

    I’m wondering if your dad’s way of coping with extreme stress is to run away, which he did all those years ago?

    I know that this does not come anywhere near the trauma you experienced with losing your Mum, but it reminded me of a time when our dog was really sick.

    Hubby took her to the vet and she was diagnosed with cancer and was riddled with tumours. She was also old and the vet doubted she would survive surgery so suggested he put her down.

    Now rather than sit with her in her final moments of life, offering her love and comfort as she went to sleep, he walked out to the sound of her howling in distress because “I couldn’t handle watching her die”. But what about her??? What did he think SHE was going through??? But no. All he had on his mind were his feelings. Not hers, that’s for sure.

    I was so angry when he told me about that. I left him not long after – he was obviously too self absorbed to change his ways…

    Losing a dog doesn’t come anywhere close to losing your mother of course, but my ex’s way of handling her death kind of reminded me of what your dad did – only he left his dying wife and young daughter which is so much worse and I can’t even try to imagine your pain and confusion back then.

    Obviously some men just can’t man up and be there for those who need them…



  213.  #213Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:01 am

    Child, Victim, Saboteur, and Prostitute

    Translation to Daria archetypes

    child, baby, trickster, goddess



  214.  #214Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:04 am

    if what i judge are oprresive ppl

    then i must be very tyrannical and oprressive

    yes i am

    wow

    i want to heal this



  215.  #215Starbright on December 21, 2011 at 3:05 am

    Just wondering if loving the people who aren’t acting the way you want could change everything.

    The people who are hurting you…what I mean here is when there is some kind of triangle like an angry son or a mean stepmother it seems to usually come from a jealousy and/or fear that they will be forgotten that they will not be number one.

    If one was to look at them as a hurt lost child not unlike our own self as a hurt child and release our stance (thinking of Rori’s talks about not having a stance) and just try seeing their fear and hurt and realizing it’s coming from those sad and hurt places perhaps one doesn’t have to walk away…just change the stance and send love or perhaps peace if that is easier..

    Of course it also depends on whether the other person can relax…but what if he or she can…wouldn’t that feel great for the anger, fear, sadness to release?



  216.  #216Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:06 am

    i judge myself for being tyrannical

    also for being a victim

    also for being a punk

    wow i feel awed i wrote that last one

    thats not one i like to admit

    i have a really strong coward side?

    that doenst feel good

    weak side

    ok

    yeahi have a strong weak side

    ha



  217.  #217Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:08 am

    i judge people who sabotage themselves and are inconsistent i must be WAY like that

    but thats a good quality!

    wow taht was insconsistent right there

    wow

    i feel uncomfortable!

    i am yelling!

    wow

    i love me

    am healing

    huge energy



  218.  #218Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:13 am

    i judge women who chase men and look desperate
    .

    so i must have a really strong urge to chase men and look desperate.

    and i judge it

    aww i dont want to judge me

    i just called nohCD and then told him to go back to sleep

    but if i was OWNING this side

    i would call some guy up

    its turning me on thinking about it

    who tho

    hmm

    i just texted Sexy CD

    i feel all turned on

    im doing the shadow work stuff on the margaret lynch

    i feel scared!

    im calling these men!

    but i just feel bored and relaxed

    im not really feeling pulled toward one of them

    i think i look desperate

    i dont want to judge myself!

    maybe its rockstar for me

    it kinda did feel it



  219.  #219Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:14 am

    ok wow he responded. hes like are you ok? (lol)

    i feel so good

    it lights me up right where my ribs meet



  220.  #220Aurora Girl on December 21, 2011 at 3:39 am

    Good morning Sirens!

    …last day before winter solstice tonight and tomorrow…..or summer solstice for Oz……there is good energy in the air…..

    🙂



  221.  #221Aurora Girl on December 21, 2011 at 3:40 am

    Daria…

    I’m happy when I read that you feel lit up!



  222.  #222Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:41 am

    wow i just told sexyCD im nto for a man that doesnt want to go down on me

    wow go me for wording!

    i wonder if that what he was saying if so its different from before

    well let me be very clear that any man that says some shit like that will be clizked straight out the “do not date” door



  223.  #223Aurora Girl on December 21, 2011 at 3:42 am

    215 Starbright…

    I like what you posted…..I always feel challenged when I have to reach beyond my comfort zone to love and have understanding for those in my life that I feel friction with……….I know I will grow but my ego won’t let go sometimes…….and I get caught up in it……

    there’s a saying…”what would love do”……

    helps me sometimes

    xo



  224.  #224Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:45 am

    Aurora Girl – wow mmff

    well it seems like its the effect this man’s energy has on me

    i wish i had control of it

    it feels lovely

    .

    anyways now it feels bad with him

    umf

    now i dont have anyone to lean forward to and harass really

    wow

    i ran off my cds with neediness

    go meee



  225.  #225Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 3:47 am

    173 Esteemed

    “Yes, I’m single.

    You’re going to have to be amazing to change that!”

    I love it. I think I’ll put it at my Facebook status. I love that kind of statement.



  226.  #226Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:52 am

    wow i feel like dissing him

    wow you really had me goin thinking we were gonna be lovers an ish an u really is on this bullshit hype

    wow i CANNOT belive it omg

    just

    dont ever call me again



  227.  #227Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:52 am

    so turned off you might as well have told me you were gay



  228.  #228LILI 41 on December 21, 2011 at 3:54 am

    131:

    That is so adorable! Love it!



  229.  #229Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:55 am

    wow i really actually LIKED you… i feel embarassed, i feel humiliated…
    i love me

    i feel guilty

    i love me

    i want to heall all guilty feelings
    mmm

    love to daria

    its ok to feel it

    mmmm



  230.  #230Aurora Girl on December 21, 2011 at 3:56 am

    Daria

    I feel sad when i see things turn around for you SO fast……I want to hug you like a sister goddess……I wonder if you are scared……and forget that you are lovable……I feel like that sometimes….maybe that’s not it…..maybe it is……

    but I do feel happy when you are lit up……..and you shine….

    xoxo



  231.  #231LILI 41 on December 21, 2011 at 4:01 am

    Yeah BW,

    I believe that about mistrust.
    I find hard to practice though.
    I’ve been good about stopping myself from blaming and making him wrong, especially those nasty sarcastic comments.
    What helps is thinking back to a time where I was on the receiving end of mistrust when I had done nothing to be mistrusted for.



  232.  #232Starla on December 21, 2011 at 4:55 am

    You know what would be a cool community feature here? If we could collapse all comments by any particular user for easier, faster reading, or just to avoid triggers.

    i don’t think this is possible in wordpress, but a girl can dream.



  233.  #233Starla on December 21, 2011 at 5:37 am

    why do i want to “avoid” triggers so bad?? jeez, control freak much, starla?



  234.  #234Izzy on December 21, 2011 at 5:53 am

    I have a question about finances.

    A guy you’ve been seeing for 6 months. Is it ok for him to pay for everything everytime you go out?

    And in a marriage, how does it work? What part is the man’s and what is the woman’s? How are expenses shared?



  235.  #235Starla on December 21, 2011 at 6:08 am

    Izzy, that’s a great question. It is okay for him to always pay at 6 months, but I do pay for things from time to time, particularly when it’s MY idea. All of this can be avoided by not leaning forward or rowing.

    At 6 months, CF is still insisting on paying for things even when they’re my idea. Sometimes he lets me pay for coffee and stuff…

    I just realized that Im basically rambling and not helping you at all. Sorry Izzy.

    But when you’re married, his money is your money, isn’t it? So you’re essentially both paying, as a couple.

    What does everyone think?



  236.  #236Starbright on December 21, 2011 at 6:08 am

    223 Aurora Girl,

    Yes, “What would love do!” Thanks for your thoughts!

    I felt healing taking place inside of me in the moment that I was writing earlier and even now. I felt a good trigger! And, I felt compassion for all.

    It’s easier to feel compassion initially from the one’s whose stories we hear than the one’s who are in the backgrounds. And, sometimes one needs to walk away.

    Love, though, is amazing! Letting go of a fight and relaxing like the image relaxing one’s hand instead of holding it in a fist…I feel more in flow and things are working better in my life.

    Someone wrote something about me just yesterday in my personal life and it didn’t feel good, however there was some truth in it. I am going to thank her rather than be defensive.

    And, I feel myself handling the whole situation in such a better way. I want to own my stuff and let go of the rest. Wow! What a difference healing makes!

    Thank-you to all who share here as reading this blog does so much good for me!



  237.  #237Mel on December 21, 2011 at 6:12 am

    Good morning sirens!!

    Sweetpea,

    Huge hugs!!

    My situation with my stepmom/dad wasn’t as “raw” but for me, a lot of healing occurred by me just letting it go.

    My dad had committed to my mother (when they divorced) that he would pay for my university education. But when he remarried, that all went out the window. I had to get bank loans (didn’t even qualify for gov’t grants) to cover the cost. Thankfully, I had a couple small academic scholarships, or I would probably still be paying off my loan. The thing is… I blamed her for this. I don’t know what the real reason was, but in my eyes, it was HER fault. I stopped asking my dad for anything. And worse yet, I stopped accepting what he did offer. I really closed my heart. During this time, I felt like I had been abandoned. He’d forget to call on my birthday, forget to invite me to family dinners, I felt a persistent icy wind around us.

    It was only after I decided to just let it go that things stated to turn around. In reality, this probably looked a lot like RR’s extreme lean back dance position. Leaning forward and trying to get his love and attention only resulted in me feeling abandoned and disappointed. I didn’t seek out any closure either though. I just relaxed and in a way gave up. This isn’t maybe the best word for it….

    I stopped calling him (but remained open when he called me), I stopped expecting anything at all from him (calls, invites, financial support…) but expressed appreciation when he did offer what he could. I stopped “hating-on” my stepmother and called a truce in my brain.

    Honestly, it probably took 10 years, but I think my dad and I have a great relationship now. And I really have grown to love my step-mother. She’s done a complete 180 in my mind, and I feel that she is one of the most generous people I know. Which makes me wonder if all of this stuff about her preventing my dad from helping was just all made up. It’s quite likely it wasn’t her fault at all.

    Anyway… I don’t have any real advice for you. Except maybe treat your dad like you would a CD…. don’t attempt to seek closure with a letter or phone call. Maybe just put him on the back of your horse and ride happily in whichever direction you choose.

    Love ya!
    Mel



  238.  #238Mel on December 21, 2011 at 6:39 am

    Hey sirens!

    I am requesting a little advice…

    So, without going into all of the details, I have a really cool business idea. So far, my friends and family are super supportive and I have even had people say they’d love to invest in my future company. My start-up will take a good deal of capital, so I’m not ready to jump-in just yet, but I’m taking baby steps towards my dream.

    So basically, at the moment, I am making my product experimentally and in small quantities. Everyone loves it… Mr. A included. He is always talking me up. He told me the other day “Everyone that I tell about ____ thinks it’s an awesome idea!” Not sure who “everyone” is though LOL.

    This morning, he sent me an email and said that he would love to buy ___ to give to his folks for xmas. But that he wants to pay me for it.

    For some reason, this made me feel all icky. Firstly, the thought of him buying anything from me feels weird. I don’t want to sell something to him. Exchange of monies between lovers feels yucky.

    Secondly, I have not met his folks yet. I feel like the people who know and love ME love what I make, but I have this resistance to have strangers try it. I know I will have to get over this if I’m to go into business, but I feel fearful that what people really like is ME and that if they had no attachment to me, they’d think my product sucks. Stupid belief I didn’t even know I had until this morning….

    Thirdly, I kinda had this little fantasy of bringing his folks a gift of ____ when I met them for the first time. And this makes me feel like he’s not planning to introduce me anytime soon. Well that’s what my NV’s are saying anyway.

    The thing is, I think he’s just uber-proud of me and wants to share my special gift with his family. Part of me feels soooooo flattered by that. But I am really feeling resistance to accepting his money. I can get over the fear of strangers trying it (it would be good for me to do so actually!), and I can tell my NVs to shut-up about the meeting the family thing, but I really don’t want his money. Taking money makes me feel like I’m some sort of business acquaintance and not a romantic partner. What do you ladies think? How can i express this to him?



  239.  #239lk on December 21, 2011 at 7:01 am

    really meant to leave 10 min ago & i still will be quite late as i want a burrito & coffee : (

    but i will hurry & it’s ok : )

    & also, i’m SO excited for NYE now because CDcd said actually 2 of his best friends & their ladies will be there : ) & he said one of the girls doesn’t shave her legs either : ))))

    also, he said his mama is sending me something : ) wow that’s so nice

    & when i called him from bed like he asked he said he would call me every day if it wouldn’t bother me … actually, i said, i don’t like talking on the phone that much. lol – that is true, but i was just thinking out loud. i got a little scared feeling, but i want to tell him, yes, you please do call : ) anytime : )



  240.  #240Izzy on December 21, 2011 at 7:17 am

    235: Starla

    When you’re married, his money is my money and my money is his money?

    I want his money to be ours and my money to be mine!

    But that doesn’t sound fair! haha

    In my last relationship (pre Rori), I would pay for my part and he would pay for his. We were both kind of short on money and I thought it was fair. But I guess unconsciously I judged him as not good enough because of it and I felt resentful. I felt judgemental and feeling like there is nothing this man can give me, not even money…

    (A little digression, not to lose the habit)
    Reminds me of Madame Bovary’s lover Léon Dupuis in a way. She was leaning forward and overfunctioning big time and in the end, there was nothing he could give her, not even money…



  241.  #241Mochaberri on December 21, 2011 at 7:39 am

    From previous post: @ Dominique #558 -Mochaberri – I feel unclear what the difficulty is with this man. Maybe you can help me with this.

    I feel honored to help you with this! And thank you for your post! I feel that the difficulty with this man for me may possibly be all in my head. We planned for years to be together and we have a long history – a lot invested. I betrayed him due to a secret I tried to cover up and thought I was protecting him which led to more betrayal of his trust. I felt ashamed. We talked about letting things grow organically, and and I notice that when I lean back, stay positive, turn my attention away from him, use my feeling msgs and consciously open my heart he steps up. I get this feeling that when he feels himself getting comfortable he triggers me or I trigger him and after it’s all said and done – I hear we are not together and I feel stuck in this cycle.



  242.  #242lk on December 21, 2011 at 7:41 am

    also, i woke up at 3 am last night with a horrible sore throat & stuffy nose & cough & dark phlegm…. it was really bad. i drank some water, decided to heal, brushed my teeth & skin & went back to bed…

    this morning, still just a little congestion in the head & chest, but clear sinuses & painless throat

    Dr. Daria taught me that trick : )))



  243.  #243Mochaberri on December 21, 2011 at 7:41 am

    From prevous post: @ Daria #551 – thank you! That was well said and sums it up in a nutshell. I’m working on the trusting part when they falter



  244.  #244Radiance on December 21, 2011 at 7:47 am

    Not seeking closure. Wow! That just totally rocks my world. I love it!! I am a new woman.

    I have been playing with that idea recently. I used it yesterday afternoon during a discussion with my teen. I said my bit at a feeling level. She responded with her feelings yet did not indicate her choice. I wanted to bring closure to the discussion by knowing her choice, but I resisted asking. And she declined telling me. Within an hour she revealed her choice–it popped out unexpectedly during a playful interaction we were having. She didn’t choose what I had suggested she choose, so I am sure that is why she didn’t want to tell me during the conversation. We kind of played with the revelation and the silly way she popped out with it. I love it — not being attached to outcomes!…

    I am reminded of a pivotal moment years ago in therapy, my therapist let me know that I was not morally obligated to correct people in conversation. What?!… Gee, I did not know that. Thank you for giving me permission to just listen to my partner telling a story and getting all the details wrong. Haha… life is so rich. I love learning about communication and relationships. Thank you Rori and Sirens!



  245.  #245Aurora Girl on December 21, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Radiance 244

    Yay for not having to seek closure on everything! I wholeheartedly agree……..my “c” word is clarity….I’d rather have clarity in my heart and mind than closure any day….when I learned of that one too I felt so relieved….closure it a big huge myth I think….hey if we get it great…but it’s not always possible.

    But clarity is up to me …….. 🙂

    I so love that the sun is shining here on the last day before solstice……

    xo



  246.  #246Esteemed on December 21, 2011 at 7:58 am

    Lizka,

    RE: #225 – Yeah, that’s the attitude! I have finally changed my desperate vibe. FYI I was quoting that about being single.



  247.  #247Esteemed on December 21, 2011 at 8:02 am

    (((Sweetpea))),

    RE: #188 – Are you intending to share your deep inner feelings with your Dad? I think that in itself might be very healing for you…and for him.



  248.  #248Esteemed on December 21, 2011 at 8:03 am

    I want to spend the day on the blog…but I can’t. I have to pay bills and get car oil changed and so much more…maybe I’ll be back for a break a little later.

    LG, I haven’t forgotten about you. Just extremely busy and preoccupied. To respond to your post in the last thread will take a lot of emotional energy.



  249.  #249Radiance on December 21, 2011 at 8:05 am

    245 Aurora Girl

    It’s so weird how these things–closure, in this case–get ingrained.

    Not seeking closure goes hand in hand with leaning back. I have been leaning back/cutting back on overfunctioning with my teen too, and she is responded well to it.

    I have sunshine here too! And I’m happy for it. Yesterday was wet and gray… Happy Solstice Sirens!–(I’m in a time zone where Solstice is today).

    I love the Sun! Can’t wait to celebrate it’s return! (Or our return, depending on how you look at it).



  250.  #250Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2011 at 8:08 am

    On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…

    …eight e-mails waiting

    …seven skirts a-flipping
    …six guys a-texting…

    …fifty-five soulmate rinnngggggs!!!

    …four calling cards…
    …three fine men…
    …two Starbucks coffees…
    …and a Rori Raye new video to see.

    “Twelve Days of Christmas”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJXqRFwtjKQ

    .



  251.  #251Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2011 at 8:08 am

    On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…

    …eight e-mails waiting

    …seven skirts a-flipping
    …six guys a-texting…

    …fifty-five soulmate rinnngggggs!!!

    …four calling cards…
    …three fine men…
    …two Starbucks coffees…
    …and a Rori Raye new video to see.

    “Twelve Days of Christmas”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJXqRFwtjKQ

    .



  252.  #252Hopeful on December 21, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Feeling very frustrated today. And am PMS-y. Yesterday I was feeling really burned out on Christmas shopping for nieces and nephews. Managed to pull myself out of the mood and move on.

    I have an aging kitty who has some health issues and has diarreah this week. Very unpleasant for all of us.

    I had worked so hard to express my feelings and got my husband to stop complaining and criticizing me. I am so grateful that he stopped. However, he transferred the complaining to my cat. Which I let be, since I was so grateful that he stopped criticizing me. And the cat can’t speak english so doesn’t feel any pain from his words.

    Then late at night when I was trying to go to sleep, my husband went off about the cat’s diarreah, and gave me all sorts of instructions on what I should do to fix it. And quizzed me on what I was going to do.

    Then when I expressed my feelings (and I am already tired and PMSy), he wondered why I was suddenly in a bad mood. Geez.

    And I get to have dental surgery today. A mouthful of novacaine other fun stuff. And then drive out of state tomorrow after work for family holiday. Do not want to fight in the car. Do not want to argue on Christmas. Do not want to fight on our days off.

    So feeling very drained and now I need to find a way to set some boundaries about this cat issue, and work on changing the cat’s food to try to help this issue.

    Really do not want to have a crappy next few days, especially since it is Christmas. I am feeling really crappy and drained right now. It is a lot of work to set these boundaries and express feelings and control my words so I don’t start world war three. Don’t want to listen to complaining about cat diareah at the family events. None of them are pet people, so they will judge me to and wonder why I just don’t have the poor cat put down.

    And the alcohol will be flowing freely this weekend. And I am PMSing. Argh.

    Scotty beam me up!



  253.  #253Liz on December 21, 2011 at 8:20 am

    Good morning!
    Well actually it is almost noon.
    I feel so rested, I did not set an alarm.
    I feel like magic is all around me, my heart feels wide open, tingly and firey and I want to BE instead of calculating grades. But I have been a bad professor and ignored the grade deadline and talked with my girlfriend instead…..I feel rebellious and angry at my school for changing the learning software to a freesource so all my tests are scrambled and my students have trouble accessing them online and now i don’t know what to do, half of them took the tests and the computer did not register it and i feel so unsupported that the school made us switch so it could save money and made more work for us….it is all in my forehead this feels like i am shooting arrows out, I want to heal this and be more neutral..

    I love coming to this blog….
    Starla, go for it, grad school!!!!!!…

    Have fun cleaning…..one of my meditation teachers says when she gets ready to clean she gets dressed up so she can be in her feminine and having fun….

    She actually wears pumps and puts on dancing music to unload the dishwasher….

    she teaches a class called “let’s get married”…..and leads meditations to move energy that is blocking it….once i took that class, i moved so much energy and started looking on the internet about info on dating and found Rori! and i started to wear makeup for the first time in my life….her name is Vessa Rinehart at Intuitive Insights….instead of saying date at least three, she says “have a pair and a spare” for dating.

    Daria, sweetie, here is the post on DNA…..
    http://wakeup-world.com/2011/07/12/scientist-prove-dna-can-be-reprogrammed-by-words-frequencies/
    let me know what you think.

    I feel so welcomed by you sirens and it makes me feel so loved and safe to be here in the world.

    Sweetpea, thanks so much for your encouragent….at least accountantCD is not in his office today, so I don’t have to see him in his office when I step outside my door….

    I am feeling so much in my body when I see him and if I think of our conversations and I read about the Imaginary Relationship trap and I feel like I am just having an Imaginary Relationship with him…..so I just keep putting the focus back on me…..

    AND…..I feel so hopeful, I kept focussing on me and printed out my brochures for my health coaching biz and dropped them off at the doctor’s office I will be working at in January……

    And talk about the synchronicity of this job…..I knew I was on the right track that me doing health coaching is being on my path, because I was getting a PAP smear and got offered this position…….so I know the universe wants me to help people feel better in their bodies……because i didn’t have to do anything to get that gig…..



  254.  #254Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2011 at 8:23 am

    oops… don’t know how I got a duplicate…

    more joy? …
    😀



  255.  #255lk on December 21, 2011 at 8:24 am

    @Hopeful 252

    “Scotty beam me up!”

    LOL well i’ll send some good vibes toward your mouth, your cat, your hormones & your husband : ))))

    deep breaths & peaceful smile like you know a secret



  256.  #256Starla on December 21, 2011 at 8:30 am

    Aw Liz, thanks for the encouragement!



  257.  #257elle_emm on December 21, 2011 at 8:30 am

    hey daria,

    do you t-tapp? i want to order the basic workout and the skin brushing system. i thought i saw you mention t-tapp earlier. just wondered if you have had a good experience with it.



  258.  #258Starla on December 21, 2011 at 8:34 am

    iiiiiiiii feel very sensitive like i’m going to explode and i am scared to be around CF, I feel not good enough and defective and a dramatic mess and i am sooooooo scared he is going to leave one day

    and hopefully my therapist can help me tonight?

    ahhhhhhh i’m about to spend 4 days straight with him, and i feel terrified i am going to lose him because i’m feeling stressed, insecure, awful…



  259.  #259Starla on December 21, 2011 at 8:38 am

    every time he tells me he doesn’t judge me or dislike me when i’m floundering emotionally, and is super supportive, but it doesn’t REGISTER for me. i don’t feel safe. i’m not sure what’s going on. maybe i NEED to push him away in a way?



  260.  #260Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 8:40 am

    BW, Mel, Esteemed and Starbright,

    First, thank you, each of you for your insight on this situation. I have to take my friend to run some errands this morning, so I’m just going to respond generally for the moment.

    I did write my dad a letter – it’s not my best feeling message, but there’s no anger in it because I’m not feeling anger over this. However, it does express that I’m feeling abandoned again and how bad it felt being abandoned and having my mom abandoned when I was 16. I don’t know how to express that without feeling blaming, so I’m not going to worry about leaving it out or trying to re-phrase it.

    I’m probably not going to do much work to it to “clean it up.” It comes from a place of “I love you, but I’m not going to keep subjecting myself to being treated poorly” and that’s basically what it says. I believe the feeling behind it will come through, and I do believe it will hurt him.

    I believe he DOES love me as much as he possibly can. And I love him. Period. Maybe the letter will be healing for us both, maybe it will just be healing for me. My healing is what’s important here though. If he heals from it as well, BONUS!

    I don’t intend to avoid calls from him. Me and my hurt 16 year old and 3 year old and whoever else, are going to face this one head on. I’m not closed off to him. The truth is though, his walking out on my mom and me during the darkest time in her life and when I needed him the most, is inexcusable. I’m not accepting his excuses for it anymore and I’m not accepting treatment like that anymore. I forgive him for it and I still love him, but I don’t have to accept treatment like that. Not even from my dad.

    As far as his wife goes… I don’t know what’s going on with her. It’s not my job to know. Whatever it is, is her business and she’s the one who’s going to have to come to peace with it. Maybe the letter I send will help some to heal her, too – when she actually sees where I’m coming from. I don’t know. She’s not my concern. If she wants to come to me in a spirit of love and peace, I’m certainly open to it. But I’m not going to either of them anymore. It simply hurts too much and I’ve experienced enough pain in my life at their hands.

    My job is to take care of me. I hope for healing all around in this situation, but I’m not going to keep going back and accepting shoddy behavior. I’m just not. They can show me that they love me, or they can leave me be, but I say “no” to being treated poorly.

    I took care of myself and never needed any financial help from my dad for the better part of twenty years, yet he still tells me things like, “you’ve always had your head up your a$$.” He treats me like a loser, and maybe that has a lot to do with why I’m working through these feelings of loser. I’m going to stick with people who love me, support me and have faith in me. Period. End of story. If he wants to jump on that band wagon, he’s more than welcome, but there’s no longer room in my life for someone who doesn’t.

    Thanks again, everyone. I feel more and more at peace with this decision. I say “no” to those who cause me emotional pain and offer excuses for why they do it, not changing their ways, just apologizing and continuing in the old pattern. This pattern, stops in my life – today.



  261.  #261Mel on December 21, 2011 at 8:41 am

    Hugs to Starla!

    I wonder if you may be afraid 4-days straight will cause you to feel bored of him? I find I create a lot of drama in my life when I’m feeling bored or worried something will be boring.

    Just a thought… of course this may not apply to you at all.



  262.  #262Starla on December 21, 2011 at 8:42 am

    omg sweetpea, you are not a loser, i’m feeling violent and protective reading that

    maybe i should channel this “crazy” energy of mine into protective services for hire hehe



  263.  #263Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Starla,

    Fear of intimacy?



  264.  #264Starla on December 21, 2011 at 8:45 am

    261..mel…thank you for hugs:)

    4 days straight is going to cause me to feel attached as f*ck to him. and i’m not ready for that because he has no plan for us, as far as i know.

    i’m scared he doesn’t really want to spend all that time with me now that it’s approaching

    i’m scared scared scared.

    but it’d be on him to say if he doesn’t want to.

    but i’ve seen him hesitate to speak up about these things, because he wants to make me happy.

    and i want him to be happy to, so sometimes i speak up for him and ask if he really wants something different than what he’s giving me.

    And then I put myself second and even though i’m being sweet to him, i feel far less attractive

    i feel trapped.



  265.  #265Starla on December 21, 2011 at 8:47 am

    and i’ve been stressin so much, i feel like i must look like a crazy person to him

    but he just keeps telling me i’m a super hero

    and i’m scared for when THAT is gonna run out



  266.  #266Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 8:47 am

    Starla,

    You’re hired!

    Love to you, Siren.

    This stuff with CF, I believe is fear-based – and unfounded fear. Do you remember reading a comment FW posted about raising your threshold for intimacy?

    You and I have been through lots with the people who are supposed to love us, but I’m stretching my threshold a bit lately. I don’t know what the exercise is that FW posted, but it likened our threshold to being like a thermostat that some of us need to be able to “turn up” a bit at times in our lives…



  267.  #267Mel on December 21, 2011 at 8:51 am

    264:

    Starla,

    Guys generally only do things they want to do. Don’t concern yourself with whether he really wants to spend all that time with you. He DOES or he wouldn’t. Even if it’s because he wants to make you happy… then cool! making us happy makes guys feel like MEN and they really, really love the feeling making US happy gives to them.



  268.  #268Mel on December 21, 2011 at 8:53 am

    Ooh! The thermostat tool is awesome. It really, really helped me to expand my ability to receive love and juicy goodness! 🙂



  269.  #269lk on December 21, 2011 at 8:57 am

    @Starla

    hmmmm…… I hear that having a plan for your future is important to you…

    but throwing energy out ahead like worrying about days & years in advance…. imagining that makes me feel weak right now, in the present… like, well how am i even going to get over there into the future if i’m all energy-drained right here, right now ? like i’ll stop moving if i concentrate on moving too much

    that reminds me of particle-wave states & how the simple act of observation or measuring makes a wave behave like a particle…. hm i think i want to move like waves, like the ocean : )



  270.  #270Starla on December 21, 2011 at 8:58 am

    oooh i wish to see this thermostat tool:)



  271.  #271lk on December 21, 2011 at 9:00 am

    i like how light heart signs all her posts

    🙂
    light heart

    or.. well i don’t like the yellow smilies. not sure if 1 will show up like she makes them. i like an extra space between my smilies like this : )

    but i don’t want to type

    : )
    lk

    every time…

    but i do like to smile… i feel weird & dumb for typing this all out



  272.  #272Starla on December 21, 2011 at 9:01 am

    thank you ladies…thanks for seeing that i’m not doing so great and for suggesting ways to cope with it and look at it.



  273.  #273Mel on December 21, 2011 at 9:02 am

    If I remember correctly… it’s just when you feel yourself starting to feel like “yikes, this is too much!” you envision turning up the thermostat just a tiny bit more. The idea is to raise your threshold for intimacy little by little. FW might have the link.



  274.  #274Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2011 at 9:05 am

    @238: Mel says:
    “…Taking money makes me feel like I’m some sort of business acquaintance and not a romantic partner. What do you ladies think? How can i express this to him?…”

    If you decide to reject his offer, you could tell him just what you said: you’d like to give him the products as a gift.

    He probably offered to “be your first customer” because he got a kick out of being supportive to your business effort, rather like being your masculine protector and at the same time being proud of you. I’d love that.



  275.  #275Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 9:08 am

    Feeling really triggered and so irritated with how my mother relates to me!

    Like tiptoeing around me like I am a scary monster

    It’s so annoying! I’ve shared before that she has a secret abusive background that she never told me about. And I realize that my whole life she’s enlisted me as the abuser and treated me as such.

    Maybe that’s why I’ve always felt a little “off” and bad inside.

    She won’t correct me but agrees with everythign, so I’ve learned she is not a trusted source for anything. She supposedly takes “my side” on everythign even if I am wrong. How does a child learn from that???

    No wonder I didn’t know anything. I feel angry for that and I feel angry that she still treats me like I may grow teeth and claws and kill everyone at any moment.

    I am NOT a monster or an abuser, and I don’t want to be treated like one! She treats a lot of people that way though.

    It’s very frustrating and it makes me not want to relate to her at all and I don’t want to be around her.



  276.  #276Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 9:11 am

    But the way my mother shows her discontent is through sarcasm and manipulating through tears or ohh poor me you hurt my feelings…

    And I feel compassion for her but right now mostly just impatience. She often has a terrible look on her face like she is about to cry, and I asked her about it and she genuinely said “No I’m fine!” and smiled…but it’s all the garbage and pain and abuse showing thru. I hate to see it and witness it and I hate having it projected onto me.



  277.  #277Mel on December 21, 2011 at 9:11 am

    Thanks SLV! 🙂



  278.  #278lk on December 21, 2011 at 9:13 am

    I kind of want to send this email…. leaning for sure, but feels kind of called for ? thoughts, ladies ? : ) or tweaks ??? thank you!

    Hi, CDcd!

    2 things…

    1) I woke up at 3 AM this morning with a really sore throat & cough… I actually did a little self-care & then woke up at 7 with no sore throat & just a little head/chest congestion, but please let me know if germs in your clean home will make you nervous & we can re-schedule : )

    2) You said you don’t want to bother me by calling & I responded that I don’t like talking on the phone very much …… but that was really just me talking. I want you to feel free to call me whenever & it does feel nice to hear your voice : )

    That’s all! Now just sitting at my desk listening to music & trying to find the fast-forward button on my time machine.

    Hope you have a nice day,
    lk



  279.  #279Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 9:14 am

    Yay Mel! Yay Starla!

    I haven’t seen FW on here for awhile. I’m glad someone came through.

    I think Mel’s right, Starla.

    I came up with my own tool for raising mine by giving and receiving love from my dog. (THAT sounds crazy!) It’s been good for both of us.

    I felt scared before I spent all that time with MM, too. I don’t know if this helps, but I had the same fear, that I would be even more attached. He has family pics hanging in his living room (of him at his brother’s weddings, in a tux, yum). I wandered the house drooling over them when he was at work.

    And seriously, telling myself, “oh my Gosh, Sweetpea, you’re falling for this guy.” And I did feel love welling up, I felt attached, but I didn’t feel freaked out. And once I got back into my own space, I kind of lost that, it felt like. Then I started having a whole different set of fears.

    “Oh my gosh! Something is wrong with me. I can’t love anymore!”

    Then I remembered something Dr. Drew said – “to avoid addiction, think butterflies not lightning when it comes to love.” So I asked myself, “do I feel butterflies?” Oh yeah. Lots of butterflies. “Ok. So this is what healthy love feels like.” It feels very odd after the obsessive, clingy, needy love I experienced in the past.

    I do love him. That feels scary to say – but it wouldn’t be the end of my world if I lost him. That feels surreal, but it also feels so good.

    So Starla, maybe your feeling concerned about becoming attached is “much ado about nothing,” like it was for me.



  280.  #280Starla on December 21, 2011 at 9:15 am

    this is how we drive men away…because even though i have sweet texts, sweet behavior, sweet everything from him as proof that he cares for me, if he’s backed off a little i feel insecure and afraid.

    the antidote is leaning back. yes yes.

    also, he is a college teacher, and he knows i’m applying for grad school and i’m a little behind where i wanted to be, so he’s leaving me be, the way he left me be for studying for the GRE.

    when i asked him to take me around shopping for tomorrow, he was happy to do it, but i can’t help but feeling like he’s just “going along with the flow.” I’m not feeling pursued and therefore i fear that any second his attraction for me is going to dry up

    i’m scaredededed, so glad i’m going to talk to a professional tonight:)

    i think in the past, even with the sweet men, this 5-6 month mark is about where things turn “crazy” in our relationship, because this is my brick wall here.



  281.  #281Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 9:17 am

    i realized thinking about all the CDs I”ve met over the past year or so that I”ve gone on one date or maybe a few dates with..and it’s been good practice, but I realized just now that I felt so EMPTY during the dates and it was like just consuming food that’s really just air…not even really enjoying the meal at all.

    Just empty blah…..feeling.

    Ella I can relate to how you’re feeling trying to restart your life and try different ways of achieving what you want. But does anything ever really change??

    I am in a transition myself at the moment and feeling afraid/stuck to move forward and really go after what I want.

    Maybe I don’t know what I want.

    Maybe I want to turn the clock back and that’s what I get stuck on.

    I try to do a good job at work and still I’m feeling like I don’t really know how to guage what they think of me.

    Feeling concerned about what others think….

    Also feeling so insecure and not inspired to go after my goals at all.

    I kindof feel like…

    what is the point?

    I feel tired.



  282.  #282Starla on December 21, 2011 at 9:20 am

    lk, that letter is super lean forward. why not just tell him when you see him, “it feels so nice to see you, oh and i feel silly cuz it didn’t come out right when i said i don’t like talking on the phone, actually it would feel great to hear from you whenever:)”?

    as far as the germs thing, i would tell him “hey i was feeling sick last night but took care of myself and am feeling up to spending time together anyway, what do you think?”

    girl, i bet he loves your germs. yummy lk germs.

    now that i think about it i wouldn’t say anything about being sick, unless you yourself do not want to go.



  283.  #283Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 9:21 am

    I feel annoyed with guys on POF that ask for more pictures…

    Like they are asking me to “give” to them and I don’t even know them…

    It’s so triggering and this one guy, I think I will just not write him back and delete him completely…

    he didnt’ even compliment my pic like “oh you are pretty!” or anything like that.

    Most guys at least say something…



  284.  #284Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 9:23 am

    Other guys come on so strong and if I don’t react the same way they get an attitude and it’s such a turn off..

    I had bad dreams last night kind of desperate feeling and talkign about having a baby with someone but I can’t even get one decent CD so no babies coming out here yet…haha



  285.  #285Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 9:24 am

    I feel frustrated that it’s taken me so long to evolve and learn and find out things and realize what it means to relate to someone and differentiate between dysfunctional and healthy relations….
    Feeling angry and mad at me



  286.  #286lk on December 21, 2011 at 9:36 am

    you’re right, Starla, i don’t want to send it anymore.

    as soon as i hit Submit here I felt the “oh, no ! i want to take it back” feeling lol

    i just feel a little drained & sick & i want extra love poured on me but i can do that for myself, i don’t need to bait someone else into doing it for me : )

    work, go up to clean, drive back, call grandma, paper towels/cornstarch or arrowroot powder/coconut oil, crafts & dinner & take out the recycling, shower, pack overnight bag, sleep, yoga, work, CDcd, back down to do manicure for grandma & take her to the party if she wants a ride & my aunt too, spend the night at parents’ house, make tamales, go up to CDcd ? & go back down for xmas day. feel weird. his call about how much time i spend at his house & especially since he drives me everywhere. back off, lk : )



  287.  #287Starla on December 21, 2011 at 9:38 am

    aww, CF just sent me a nice email reply to my email telling him my essay isn’t ready for proofing yet, and now i feel relieved and better, which is great short term, but i’m feeling concerned about this pattern as a whole… i tend to feel so fragile and dependent on his validation…



  288.  #288Radiance on December 21, 2011 at 9:43 am

    from previous post

    563 Rockstar Susan 🙂 ooh, I want to go to a nudist resort–bucket list… that’s one of things that floats through my mind once every couple of years and I smile to imagine it and consider it… then it floats away…

    Thanks for sharing about you and your man.



  289.  #289Rose on December 21, 2011 at 9:47 am

    #238

    Hi Mel,

    I am with SLV on this, for some reason reading what your A said made me feel all aww..It shows me he is a good caring guy trying to support you and your business and I think it would make him feel icky if he just took your product and gave it to his family instead of offering you money..

    I’d take it as a compliment..:-D



  290.  #290Starla on December 21, 2011 at 9:47 am

    It doesn’t have to be this way

    this is just my story right now

    the story is changing…i’m the author yesyes



  291.  #291Rose on December 21, 2011 at 9:51 am

    #251 SLV like like like!! 😀 😀



  292.  #292Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2011 at 9:51 am

    @260: Sweetpea says:
    “…I took care of myself and never needed any financial help from my dad for the better part of twenty years, yet he still tells me things like, “you’ve always had your head up your a$$.” He treats me like a loser, and maybe that has a lot to do with why I’m working through these feelings of loser. I’m going to stick with people who love me, support me and have faith in me. Period. End of story. If he wants to jump on that band wagon, he’s more than welcome, but there’s no longer room in my life for someone who doesn’t…”

    Thumbs up to you, Sweetpea, for taking care of yourself. Yay!

    Sometimes when bad things happen out of our control, it helps to step back, out of the way, and see the absurdity of it all…

    Perhaps this will give you a chuckle…(and I love this woman!…)

    “…head up your ass…” [5:56 in vid]
    http://www.youtube.com/user/lanaindiana?blend=1&ob=video-mustangbase#p/search/0/hns4vngcV4k

    .



  293.  #293Mel on December 21, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Wow, thanks Rose! It’s nice to be able to see things from another perspective!



  294.  #294Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2011 at 9:55 am

    @291: Rose

    😀



  295.  #295Liz on December 21, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Hey there,
    Mel and Starla.
    do you mean the thermostat tool I talked about a couple weeks ago? That is so cool.

    I feel so listened to and important that my information is useful. Thank-you! I appreciate your feedback so much.

    I just used it today to see howcome I kept thinking about accountant CD when I have this grading deadline for class number 2.

    So here goes, I will tell you what I did:

    I close my eyes and ask to see a thermostat that goes from 0-100%. Or you can just ask to see a gauge that is a simple yes/no, with no on the left and yes on the right.

    So I asked:
    how much of this procrastination energy is due to AccountantCD thinking of me sexually? I got 30%, so I visualized a rose with his face in it and asked for his sexual energy to go into the rose and then I destroyed the rose and sent his energy back to him.
    Then I asked how much is due to me wanting him? And then I put my sexual energy into a rose and destroyed that and got my energy back through my crown.
    Then I asked how much is resistance to grading? I got 20% and asked that a rose take away my resistance to grading….
    Then I asked how much is this due to my father’s energy in my space, since he was abusive to me and then I created a rose for his energy and pulled that out and destroyed it. Then I was able to be in present time and graded all the final exams.

    This is kind of complicated and advanced, but the simple yes/no thermostat tool is equally effective.

    So if I ask for a thermostat gauge to be yes or no”

    Has accountant CD decided to break up with his gf?
    I get a Yes.

    Then destroy the gauge, so it doesn’t hang out in my aura.

    Then I ask:
    Has accountantCD told gf yet?
    I get NO.

    So I am still in limbo land.
    I feel calm though and I feel horny, this man is sending me sexual energy nonstop!!
    Oh well, back to grades.
    I feel excited to finish grades. I feel grounded and capable. I feel independent and self-reliant.

    Oh and remember if you remove energy from your space, that nature abhors a vacumn, so replenish yourself with your own highest and purest spiritual energy…..you can imagine that as a golden bubble of light with all the qualities that you want, love, light, neutrality, compassion……you get the idea and then allow that to come into your body and fill yourself up with this golden light.

    Love and light.



  296.  #296Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 10:01 am

    i feel ignored and unimportant
    i feel triggered sharing that
    like oh why should the whole world stop and say what does emerson need to hear???



  297.  #297Izzy on December 21, 2011 at 10:09 am

    Money. Such strong energy. Much like sex.

    What people are willing to do to get money and to get sex.

    I want to be aware of my feelings around both.



  298.  #298Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Emerson,

    Trust your intuition. It’s been my experience that when guys ask for more pics, many times they’re just on the site playing around seeing how many naked pics they can get.

    That feels judgmental, but it has been my experience, so be that what it may. It may not be the case all of the time, but like I said, I would use my intuition. If you’re feeling “ick” about it, there’s probably a reason for it.

    Secondly, I would ask myself about my inner beliefs of guys just wanting me for sex, as it seems you may be attracting that.

    Keep on, keeping on. It gets better. The more you remain open and experience healing, the better quality men you’ll attract.

    That’s been my experience. Hope it helps.



  299.  #299Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 10:20 am

    SLV @ 292,

    Thanks. I sat down to write the letter to my dad last night for my own healing, with no intention of sending it. As I was writing I began to see that I was accepting excuses from him and accepting less than unconditional love.

    I always thought I’d have to heal my relationship with my dad before I could have a healthy relationship with any man, and I still believe that’s true. However, I see how I’ve put up with subpar treatment from other men, just like I’ve done with my dad. This feels healing to say express boundaries with him and let it go.

    I never thought the healing would come from walking away from my dad. Maybe it won’t end up being that way – maybe he’ll step up and heal from it, too. But I’m not counting on that. We shall see.

    It feels good to take care of me and have my highest good on my radar at all times.

    I was expecting an intentionally funny video. I think my expectations may have spoiled it for me. Or maybe I’m just feeling a bit numb right now. Thank you for sharing. And caring.



  300.  #300Aurora Girl on December 21, 2011 at 10:23 am

    285 Emerson

    I read what you wrote and thought….wow I feel like that too sometimes…..I think we are always learning how to differentiate healthy from dysfunctional…to be honest…I’m 49 and I only started figuring that out on a big level a couple years ago…and still learning….it takes getting to know someone before we can tell….

    lol I always say…..people don’t wear it on their t-shirt…whether they’re good for me or toxic….so i guess we have to experience them and our selves either way!

    🙂



  301.  #301lk on December 21, 2011 at 10:55 am

    i hate taking medicine but i can just do that every once in a while & it will be super effective. ahh this zicam seriously tastes disgusting eek reminds me of being a kid gross i hate it.

    lol almost done almost done & i bet by the time i see CDcd tomorrow i will be absolutely 100% ! wow !

    ok i did it. no worries.

    i’m trying to learn how to use this app at work so i can show other people & convince them that our data is the Best ! yayyy lk : )



  302.  #302Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2011 at 11:01 am

    @299: Sweetpea says:
    “…I was expecting an intentionally funny video. I think my expectations may have spoiled it for me. Or maybe I’m just feeling a bit numb right now. Thank you for sharing. And caring….”

    It was an intentionally funny part of a video but not a slapstick kind of humour. I get this woman and love her. The humour was in the truth of the situation and also seeing the humour in it and getting on with life.

    I find all her videos very inspiring and I’ve earlier posted her YouTube channel link and her blog link on the Rori blog.

    Lana’s husband was diagnosed with stage four throat cancer about six months ago. He has not eaten or drunk by mouth since then; she feeds him every three hours through a feeding tube. She loves her husband. She loves life. Her videos show how she deals with life.

    Her blog posts tell her life story and all about her childhood, parents who didn’t care for her and being placed in an orphanage. I’m inspired by the joy she now finds in life. It’s a prosperous life but she keeps things in perpective.

    Her most recent videos are also “true” and “intentionally funny.” Recently her ill husband has also appeared in the videos although he chooses not to be shown in full body. They seem to me to be doing well with the life they have.

    I am feeling a little sad that something was spoiled for you. I still find Lana’s videos extremely inspiring and I thought you might as well.

    Happy holidays. I hope things work out for you. I thnk they will.

    .



  303.  #303Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Sweetpea and Aurora Girl thank you for your feedback and replies…I feel better just reading what you both wrote and feeling acknowledged with some solid advice and feedback feels so refreshing. Thank you sirens.

    I feel teary for feeling so needy all the time and I know I’m supposed to love myself and help me…but I feel so sad and teary sometimes that my me sad self does not want to comfort my other me sad self….I sound kinda crazy…

    I feel horror that I f#&ked up my life or something, which I know is not true, but why am I alonne????

    Because I did f#&k it up by being overfunctioning, being overacommodating to abusive patterns, making excuses for abusive partners, being an enabler, settling for less and letting myself be low on the totem pole (because that’s how I felt in my family structure), oh the list goes on…

    It’s so hard to unlearn these things…even though it’s so obvious that they are “bad”…..I feel happy to have revelation but sad at the same time…I feel scared.



  304.  #304Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 11:06 am

    lk I love reading what you write, and you remind me to be soft with myself…it’s ok emerson you’re only doing your best! etc… 🙂

    I feel better after having some coffee and tylenol…I’m not feeilng so good today



  305.  #305Dominique on December 21, 2011 at 11:07 am

    Mochaberri – #241 – Yes I understand now. I also understand keeping things from people with the usually misguided notion of protecting them. It rarely works out well, and it often leads to feelings of betrayal.

    Now though what I’m seeing from you is fear. And as a result of your fear, you are creating stories in your head. You feel distant from him after a trigger, and this distance is from you, not him necessarily.

    When you feel weird, disconnected, bring it back to you. It’s more than likely your stuff.

    So what do you do with this? Breathe. Try to let it go, and it helps believing that this is YOU, your stuff and not him.

    And try to follow a creed I created, and I think it’s a very useful one to employ.

    If you’re going to make it up, might as well make it up good.

    xxoo



  306.  #306Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 11:08 am

    SLV @ 302,

    Thank you. I could use a little inspiration (and laughter) right now. I generally don’t enjoy intentionally funny humor, so felt surprised by my reaction as well. I will check her blog and videos out a little more closely and with a more open mind.

    Thanks again!

    xoxo



  307.  #307Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Feeling sad but going outside and will change that.

    .
    .
    .



  308.  #308Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 11:14 am

    Emerson @ 303,

    You’re in a good spot. The healing will happen faster than you think. You’re aware of it, that’s the first step.

    Keep the faith! You’re worth it! You’ll come to see it yourself very soon – to BELIEVE it – and it feels amazing.

    I see that you KNOW you’re lovable and amazing, no matter what. Let that sink into your soul – because it’s the truth.



  309.  #309Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 11:14 am

    307 SLV hugs
    I think I need to get out too…I have the day off and I’ve been sulking in bed because I don’t feel well.



  310.  #310Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Oh and Emerson…

    perhaps the most important step is knowing you’re not perfect, but forgiving yourself for it and loving and accepting yourself anyway. We’re all works in progress.



  311.  #311Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 11:19 am

    Thank you Sweetpea……aww it feels nice to read what you wrote, I think I’ll read it again. 🙂

    I am grateful for the compassionate sirens on here and you all don’t even KNOW me and you show so much support and love….??? what a miracle this is to me….OMG it’s really amazing actually!

    I want to believe in second chances like I messed up with my relationship choices in my 20s and 30s but now that I’m entering my 40s can I please have another chance???



  312.  #312lk on December 21, 2011 at 11:31 am

    going to get some hot water & then listen to the song CDcd sent me that i still haven’t listened to & also just make outlined action plans to achieve all my goals for next year : ) just 1 step at a time : ) just little tiny baby steps that are very easy I don’t even notice how productive & amazing i am : )))

    hi emerson, sweetpea, slv, tinque : ) i feel like whispering – today is magical : )



  313.  #313Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 11:33 am

    My favorite poem. Thought i would share it with my favorite sirens. So fit with my story and feelings with an exboyfriend, probably the most important man i had in my life (after my father)… Maybe some of you will recognize yourself in it too…

    “Cold in the earth – and deep snow piled upon thee
    Far, far removed, cold in the dreary grave!
    Have I forgot, my only Love, to love thee,
    Severed at last by Time’s all-severing wave?

    Now, when alone, do my thoughts no longer hover
    Over the mountains, on that northern shore,
    Resting their wings where heath and fern-leaves cover
    Thy noble heart for ever, ever more?

    Cold in the earth – and fifteen wild Decembers,
    From those brown hills, have melted into spring:
    Faithful indeed, is the spirit that remembers
    After such years of change and suffering!

    Sweet Love of youth, forgive, if I forget thee,
    While the world’s tide is bearing me along;
    Other desires and other hopes beset me,
    Hopes which obscure, but cannot do thee wrong!

    No later light has lightened up my heaven,
    No second morn has ever shone for me;
    All my life’s bliss from thy dear life was given,
    All my life’s bliss is in the grave with thee.

    But, when the days of golden dreams had perished,
    And even Despair was powerless to destroy;
    Then did I learn how existence could be cherished,
    Strengthened, and fed without the aid of joy.

    Then did I check the tears of useless passion –
    Weaned my young soul from yearning after thine;
    Sternly denied its burning wish to hasten
    Down to that tomb already more than mine.

    And even yet, I dare not let it languish,
    Dare not indulge in memory’s rapturous pain;
    Once drinking deep of that divinest anguish,
    How could I seek the empty world again?”

    -Emily Brontë



  314.  #314Dominique on December 21, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Izzy – The money issue is different for every couple. I still don’t pay for things except my personal stuff like hair, nails, pilates, etc. I don’t even pay for my ballet classes. K has always done so, and this is how he wants it. If one day I strike it huge, well then I’m sure he would be fine if I paid for a down payment on another house, and I would want to. Sometimes I feel weird, like I don’t contribute, but then I remember that I do so every day, with my love, with my big smile, with my cooking, and other little or not so little things I like to do or take care of.

    I’ve known married couples to split everything right down the middle even though one makes less money. Not what would make me feel good, but it’s not my life.

    You need to find what would make you feel comfortable, and this may shift and change with time.

    xxoo



  315.  #315Laughing Goddess on December 21, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Solstice!

    Yes!

    I am feeling so much better today.

    busy, connecting with family while also taking care of myself.

    I made sure to eat this morning. good job, LG.

    I don’t have time to talk right now but I wanted to pop in and say hi.

    hugs to all of you!



  316.  #316Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 11:36 am

    I think it such a siren poem…

    “Sweet Love of youth, forgive, if I forget thee,
    While the world’s tide is bearing me along;
    Other desires and other hopes beset me,
    Hopes which obscure, but cannot do thee wrong!”

    Simply love it 🙂 It’s so me…



  317.  #317Dominique on December 21, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Emerson – I don’t know if this will help at all, but I didn’t get together with K until forty, and I’m not alone in this. Virginia Feingold Clarke is another one.

    xxoo



  318.  #318lk on December 21, 2011 at 11:38 am

    oh & also i’m glad i’m really allowing myself to believe in magic : )

    i remember when sweet HT & i would get in the same fight over & over again…. i would say, hey don’t do that or go there or whatever because this bad thing will happen & he would say, LK – stop. you’re going to make it happen with your energy. then i’d always be right & we’d both be mad & blaming each other : (

    but he’s right ! instead of manifesting my anxieties, i could have just manifested miracles ! smart boy



  319.  #319lk on December 21, 2011 at 11:41 am

    thanks, lizka! i love the bronte sisters : )

    hi, LG ! happy solstice : )



  320.  #320lk on December 21, 2011 at 11:49 am

    i want to just feel love toward CDcd’s ex girlfriend without thinking, well did they have really good sxx all 6 years they lived together ? that distracts me from paying attention to the moment.

    ht & i had good sxx right until the last day : ) & i knew we were breaking up for 3 months below & i cried for the next 2 weeks before i told him it was totally over & dead….. so sxx doesn’t mean a good relationship …

    hm

    feel dizzy trying to process this



  321.  #321Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 11:49 am

    thank you Dominique…that does help.



  322.  #322lk on December 21, 2011 at 11:51 am

    also, just remembered i like to write in pen on thick paper, not computers. not pencils.

    but i’m so fast at typing : )



  323.  #323lk on December 21, 2011 at 11:54 am

    he is grown up man. he knows the relationship. i don’t. he has explained his processing to me & also some of the deal-breakers. he has been respectful, gentle & responsible & kind. please return the favor, lk & don’t try to ninja intrude on his psyche. please avert your eyes from the back-lit window – give the gift of imaginary curtains & the safe feeling of privacy.



  324.  #324Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 11:55 am

    sometimes I get soo discouraged reading online profiles….a guy will sound really cool and then all of a sudden…..i read that they want “zero drama, no drama” etc….

    what do they think women are? robots?

    they are living in a dreamworld…there is always “drama” in relating with another person…this tells me he’s maybe controlling or delusional, it’s such a turnoff but its like all over the place, so many guys say it!!!!



  325.  #325Dominique on December 21, 2011 at 11:58 am

    For those of you not on my list, I want to share a poem I wrote for all of you as well ~

    http://sexandheart.com/sending-you-love-and-appreciation

    xxoo



  326.  #326lk on December 21, 2011 at 11:59 am

    i give myself permission to be perfectly happy & healthy : )

    i give myself permission to treat my body gently, no smoking, no scratching, no scraping, no flooding

    i give myself permission to feel embarrassed, sad, lonely, inadequate, angry, misunderstood, imperfect

    i give myself permission to feel happy, proud, flamboyant, excited, energetic, open, magical



  327.  #327lk on December 21, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    @Emerson 324

    hmmm… i hear “no drama” as a request for authenticity – not robot-ladies : )



  328.  #328Mochaberri on December 21, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    I see a few posts here regarding the topic of plans for the holidays in particular NYE. So here’s a question: If your guy or CD asks you what are you doing -and you don’t have any plans, what is the appropriate response?



  329.  #329light heart on December 21, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    oh, l k, i believe in magic, too,
    but it feels bad when it seems
    like something is totally destroyed
    because of manifesting anxieties,
    self-fulfilling prophecies, not knowing
    that the sun rises and sets in me,
    being too hard on myself, others
    are only the thoughts I have about
    them…

    so here’s the story of my sign off
    smilie, well first of all, when I type
    🙂 it comes out with the yellow smiley
    face.

    I sign off in every post because even
    if there is some negativity, the smiley
    signifies this:
    ( something a siren named Kristina
    offered several posts back):

    “If you close your eyes and tell yourself you are everything and you are nothing, you may feel a moment of stillness and certainty. That is HOME. That is who you are… the part of you that smiles all the time, is at peace all the time, is quiet always, even when you speak.
    You are home anywhere you are and you never at home– not at least in the way we are used to defining the word.”

    back to u,
    me too…thank you for reminders to be soft

    🙂
    light heart



  330.  #330Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    327 thank you lk for sharing your perception…

    hmmm….I will ponder that…and try to shift how I read it…

    I don’t know why but the feeling I get when I read it on guys profiles is ick ick ick….of course nobody WANTS drama…but it happens in life…and I feel defensive if something happens and the guy says oh you are drama!!!



  331.  #331Dominique on December 21, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    There really is nothing wrong with a little drama now and then. It can keep things spicy, interesting, even if it feels a bit bad. It can be a good shake up to get you back on the path you want to travel. It can help toss things into the air and see who is still there when it all floats back down.

    If someone tells you you are drama, how about owning it. :Oh yes I love a little drama every so often.”

    If it really feels bad an totally unjustified, “Wow that feels really bad hearing this.”

    A man who can’t handle a little drama? Do you want this kind of man?

    xxoo



  332.  #332Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    I agree Tinque…..

    Dominique says:”A man who can’t handle a little drama? Do you want this kind of man?”

    I like what you had to say overall in your reply Dominique….so true…and I especially liked the part I quoted above. No, I don’t want a man who cannot handle a little drama.

    It’s called LIFE….

    what do they think they bring to the table with 2 kids from a divorce, etc…?? That’s kinda drama just in and of itself….in a way….

    I’ve also learned that “drama” does not mean the end of a relationship or that someone hates me.

    I used to think that so the whole drama word is so triggereing for me!!!1

    Thank you for your thoughts on this…I feel better about it.



  333.  #333Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    I agree Tinque…..

    Dominique says:”A man who can’t handle a little drama? Do you want this kind of man?”

    I like what you had to say overall in your reply Dominique….so true…and I especially liked the part I quoted above. No, I don’t want a man who cannot handle a little drama.

    It’s called LIFE….

    what do they think they bring to the table with 2 kids from a divorce, etc…?? That’s kinda drama just in and of itself….in a way….

    I’ve also learned that “drama” does not mean the end of a relationship or that someone hates me.

    I used to think that so the whole drama word is so triggereing for me!!!1

    Thank you for your thoughts on this…I feel better about it.



  334.  #334Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    I don’t know what is happening lately, but a lot of guys from the past are coming back to me… Actually all of the CDs in my rotation right now are guys I have more or less dated in the past… Wondering why.

    Today, an old date I (thought I) was madely in love with in 2006, commented on my Facebool status (the one inspired by Esteemed!) and than staryed chatting with me and he said I admire the woman I seem to have become and he invited me for a drink…

    I feel guilty to date all these old CDs. I feel like it’s just the easy way. Yes I feel nervous and afraid to date new guys and agrreing to date theme feels like Im being lazy… But it’s the universe who is sending them and doesn’t send new guy…

    I want to have fresh and new CDs, not recycled CDs. Maybe it’s the universe trying to tell me that i’ve already met my soulmate and she send me all these man to give me a second chance now that i have done good work on myself and that i might be ready for it…

    And maybe this is just an exercice… Maybe it’s ANOTHER man from the past and that all these old CDs are just a practice for him? Maybe it’s my Ironman? Ohhhhh!

    Lol Lizka, you are just fantasizing here…



  335.  #335Mochaberri on December 21, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    @ Dominique #305 – Yes that is it!! I am spewing fear all over the place! It was much worst before I opened up and told him the absolute truth about everything, the secret and how trying to cover the secret led me to tell other lies – lies that didn’t even have to do with the secret – just to prevent exposing myself and making myself vulnerable.

    I do feel distant from him after being triggered and getting into screaming matches – I’m learning to not let it go there anymore. I also feel disconnected from him when I lean back and when he does come forward he attempts to out girl me; i.e., he called me and when I asked how was he, his response was that I didn’t care since I had not asked about his 1st day at work which I didn’t know about. Also I feel confused when he wants relationship benefits but not the relationship.

    In the beginning when things were fresh, he created distance and I overfunctioned, leaned forward and made every mistake possible. Now that I’m practicing the tools and CD’ing myself and meeting other guys – I’m feeling more of myself. I feel that we are making steps to repair and rebuild the trust – a few setbacks here and there ; I know I have to let the fear go and be my upbeat confident lovely self to turn things around.

    I will practice breathing and follow the creed.

    Your’e the best D!!

    When you feel weird, disconnected, bring it back to you. It’s more than likely your stuff.

    So what do you do with this? Breathe. Try to let it go, and it helps believing that this is YOU, your stuff and not him.

    And try to follow a creed I created, and I think it’s a very useful one to employ.

    If you’re going to make it up, might as well make it up good.



  336.  #336Aurora Girl on December 21, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    311 Emerson

    yes, yes and more yes….to another chance…and another …and another….yay!



  337.  #337elle_emm on December 21, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    335 Mochaberri:

    “I also feel disconnected from him when I lean back and when he does come forward he attempts to out girl me; i.e., he called me and when I asked how was he, his response was that I didn’t care since I had not asked about his 1st day at work which I didn’t know about. Also I feel confused when he wants relationship benefits but not the relationship.”

    OMG. this is how i feel about one guy i am (sort of) dating. he will call me and say ‘i haven’t heard from you today’ with a real pouty, mad energy. it’s like he will lean forward and then go super-girl on me. it feels awful and confusing.



  338.  #338Starla on December 21, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    mochaberri, not sure if someone answered you about NYE, but when they ask, you answer them with the truth starting with a feeling message

    “ohhh i’m feeling kinda bummed, i don’t have any plans for NYE yet”

    or whatever you’re feeling.



  339.  #339Liz on December 21, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Hooray….
    I feel so much lighter all my grades are done and now it is time to celebrate the solstice….

    Happy solstice to you all!
    Good night!



  340.  #340Starla on December 21, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    yay liz, nice work:) enjoy some free time:)



  341.  #341Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    Aurora Girl thank you…I’m realizing how much my NVs talk to me and tell me…aww Emerson, get real…it’s too late, it’s not true what Rori’s blog says, it’s just words on a computer…
    all the good guys ARE indeed already taken…
    they were married long ago and raising their babies now…
    with their lovely wife who knows how to cook and bake and clean and have babies and be all there is to be….
    and I’m just here alone because I blew it…
    BUT….oh no I know that is not true…and it’s all my thoughts that are guiding me to such a dark thought pattern…it’s really ick ick ick….
    I’m starting by taking care of me today and doing some things for myself…writing a to do list is first, and realizing I cannot accomplish everythign today….



  342.  #342lk on December 21, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    i feel sad about writing this but i want to be open & get in fights on the blog & then heal them like other women

    i felt really mad when i read your note Starla about my email being super lean forward …… even though i did agree with you ………. but i can do what i want ! i’m a rock star : ( baby lk whiny baby awwww poor girl she thinks other people are trying to tell her what to do & she doesn’t like it : ) ok that’s better : )

    yeah, but i could do that if i want ! i’m not afraid of pushing him away or scaring him. i just want to not act like i feel nervous or scared because i don’t. ok, actually yes, i do feel nervous & scared a little. or… no, i don’t. sometimes i do, sometimes i don’t. right now i don’t.

    @starla…. also i feel quiet & whispery about this…. i feel scared & gentle toward you : ) i want you to feel happy & safe & calm…….. i do want to say though…… i don’t think you Must “trade” your sxx for a “promise” or a “plan” …… i hear you saying that you are afraid of finding yourself stranded & piney after attaching yourself with no good guarantees……. but you can be open & close & vulnerable…. i don’t want you to hear me telling you what to do like a bossy mother or a friend who is not listening…….. i know you know how to make decisions… i was just noticing that you sound blocked about physical closeness with CF as he’s trying it…. i would want to just trust the man that he knows how sensitive & full of feelings you are & he will be gentle with you : ) he wants you to feel safe : )



  343.  #343Starla on December 21, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    lk, i only told you your email was lean forwardy because you specifically asked for input



  344.  #344Starla on December 21, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    oooh i hit enter to soon. i wanted to add that, that said, i am all for your processing openly here.



  345.  #345Starla on December 21, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    i’m feeling very blocked. i was sexually assaulted by someone i trusted (i did get away, though) when i was a virgin and then the man i lost my virginity to gave me a bit of an inferiority complex, even though i KNOW i’m a rockin goddess in bed. it still hurts. i feel a lump in my throat just thinking about it.

    thanks for noticing, lk:)



  346.  #346Daria on December 21, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    SexyCD is back

    He says yea an he wants me an he hears me on wanting a date first. Yay



  347.  #347Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    345 Starla I’m sorry to read this…
    🙁
    Wanting healing for you now…



  348.  #348Radiance on December 21, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    342 lk

    “i want to be open & get in fights on the blog & then heal them like other women”

    That made me smile… well laugh really… you are so cute to me. I hope “cute” doesn’t trigger you. I know cute can feel like a put down sometime, but I mean it in kind of an aww, that’s sweet way….

    I said something similar about waiting for something to trigger me on the blog a few days ago and then when it happened, I didn’t really have the stamina to pursue it very far. But it sure was a whoosh of feelings while it lasted. That was very eye-opening… made me realize how fleeting feelings are/can be and how silly almost I feel being subjected to being buffeted around by them. Helped remind me of the importance of being centered…



  349.  #349Daria on December 21, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Ohh thank you everyone for the love on the blog last nite yay!

    Also I feel better w my friend and today feels lovely

    And I want to do something fun hmm.

    But you know what I will not lean forward even a little even tho I was about to do just that to ask guyfriend cd for weed. Because I notice when I lean forward I feel all needy again! Right after!

    And I don’t want to spend out my energy like that I’d rather increase it.

    So no asking even neighbor cd for weed?

    I feel bummed now that was my plan ….

    Mfff



  350.  #350Daria on December 21, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    It’s actually solstice day it’s super short

    I kinda wana have fun!

    I still have a lil bit of weed.

    Margaret Lynch tappings are always fun.

    I wanted to cut my hair today but my goddess is not enthused. Hmm



  351.  #351lk on December 21, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    i kind of have to drive to the mountains tonight but i think it’s dangerous o_0

    but i do kind of want to go anyway, for a little solstice road trip for the baby… hmmm

    ok, i’ll go but i give myself full permission to turn around at any time to call anyone at any time etc. & by the way, i know for a fact that i can call CDcd any time & he’ll put his chains on & come get me : ) that’s nice, lk, that someone can help you if you can’t help yourself : )



  352.  #352Daria on December 21, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Thank you Liz for the link



  353.  #353lk on December 21, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    @Starla 343

    lol yes that looked mean to me at first, but i saw the others right away : ))))) yayyyyyyy

    & also i will be breathing a little for you when you get scared if i know about it : )

    a while ago i took you in the car with me because i felt scared to be alone for so long with CDcd HAHAHA & you were just talking to me, giving me tips LOL

    feel like a creep, but this is just life, not a big deal : )



  354.  #354Starla on December 21, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    lk, i feel bad reading that u feel creepy. this blog is for magic siren stuff. take me in spirit anywhere you want with you, i consent:)



  355.  #355lk on December 21, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    @Daria

    whoosh i’m glad you don’t feel like cutting your hair… i read your post about it yesterday & got scared like, OMG that means i have to do it tomorrow ! & felt rushed…. maybe i still will – who knows ? i’m glad to get the gifts of your words…. : ) happy solstice : )



  356.  #356lk on December 21, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    ((((((((STARLA))))))))
    ((((((((DARIA))))))))
    ((((((((LADIES))))))))
    & of course : )
    ((((((((MEN))))))))

    bye bye! baby has driving to do



  357.  #357Starla on December 21, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    aww this blog is making me feel better today, and CF is texting me about how sexy my brain is to him, hehe…

    looking forward to talking to my therapist in a couple of hours about how anxious and fearful i was about whether he cared about me and then how i feel completely better when he shows me a little attention.



  358.  #358Susan on December 21, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    RE: 260: Sweetpea says:

    “Thanks again, everyone. I feel more and more at peace with this decision. I say “no” to those who cause me emotional pain and offer excuses for why they do it, not changing their ways, just apologizing and continuing in the old pattern. This pattern, stops in my life – today.”

    Sweetpea, I had to do something like that 17 years ago with my sister. Her behavior towards me was very toxic and painful. I was at peace with my decision to never reach out to her again and I still am. My daughter is also at peace with this decision. The toxic mess that spewed from my sister was aimed at both me and my daughter and our lives are better without my sister in it. My sister and mother keep trying to push me back into the fray – even 17 years later. The best ‘apology’ my sister has ever come up with went like this: “I’m sorry for whatever I may have done that hurt you.” THAT is not an apology. A true apology includes taking responsibility for the wrong you have done and expressing regret that you did it. The peace I have over the decision to separate myself from the hurtful person was well worth it.

    I hope you have a similar outcome – that you experience peace regardless of what path the outcome takes.



  359.  #359Daria on December 21, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    tomorrow is not good for growth according to my lunar chart. but soon the 24th 25th 26th will be for sure. they are beatyfing days

    maybe my goddess wants to do that so she wants to wait

    today is a root work day



  360.  #360Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Emerson, re: no drama,

    I run the other way when I read that, too. I had an experience in the past with a bf who I acted WAY out of character around. I did things I still felt a bit ashamed about years later – he brought out the “crazy” in me magnified ten-fold. (Yeah – I’m ok with being a little crazy now. I just don;t ever want to go to that extreme again).

    Anyway, after awhile, he started telling me the things that ex-gfs of his had pulled on him and I started realizing that we truly DO teach others how to treat us. The way he acted, it would be difficult for the most emotionally stable woman to remain fully sane. (My friends assure me that I AM, indeed one of the most stable people they know -which amuses me, really, cuz he had me convinced I was a stark-raving loon).

    So when I see, “no drama,” my automatic reaction is “no thanks. You’re obviously attracting drama into your life and I don’t wanna go there.”

    Not to say that I don’t accept full responsibility for my actions, but…I’ve never acted that way before or since. Thank God.



  361.  #361Daria on December 21, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    sorry for any triggers

    if eel uncomfortable!!! to write about this! and scared

    ““I’m sorry for whatever I may have done that hurt you.” ” that IS an apology to me. ouchie it felt scary bad to read “THAT is not an apology”

    i feel judgemental!

    where am i judging myself

    i feel so angyr and tight inside!

    im judging myself for not accepting apologies and shutting down and getting cold and blaming others. and saying they’re not good enough.

    also i feel scared!

    wow im triggered

    i love me

    i feel scared of being attacked!

    i feel glad i can say im sorry for hurting you and not have to comply with what i dont want to and ALSO not having to take responsibility for what i dont feel responsible for

    i DO feel sorry for the person’s pain

    ouch

    i feel unsafe

    unsafe daria

    pain on her butt

    tight in her neck

    cower and protect self

    i love me!!!

    yay me!!!

    awww me

    sigh



  362.  #362Susan on December 21, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    RE: 264: Starla says:

    “And then I put myself second and even though i’m being sweet to him, i feel far less attractive

    i feel trapped.”

    How will he ever know what ‘putting Starla first’ looks like unless you demonstrate it for him by putting yourself first? Love yourself, pay attention to yourself, take care of yourself. Then trust him. He will either succeed or fail. Either way, he will be demonstrating what he is able to do. His success or failure will be about him, not you.



  363.  #363Daria on December 21, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    wowi feel judgmental of the wome judging the “no drama” words

    and actually i judge that too and feel a lil tightened up reading that on profiles

    and i judge myself for it and talk to myself like its ok, it doesnt mean anything

    they have a right to express themselves

    sigh it doesnt mean theyre not good people hmmm

    i love me

    ok i want to heal this



  364.  #364Daria on December 21, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    my inner lil girl has a sense of neediness and desperation

    like im not taking care of her

    or seeing her

    i have been setting up playdates for her and she seems to like them but then goes right back to feeling cranky withdrawn, needy whiny

    what can i do to make her feel better?

    CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM!!

    ouchi dont like to be yelled at. thank you for being honest. i dont want to clean the room right now.

    ok.

    feel tight. wont get what i want. sulk .



  365.  #365lk on December 21, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    i can’t go up to the mountains : ( winter weather advisory

    but i’m a bad-xss, emailing our VP & GM, i said:

    Do we want to change all the PRs or leave the old PRs “as-is” & then release one changing the branding? That might feel more authentic to me than white-washing the old press… What do you all think?



  366.  #366Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Susan @ 358,

    Thank you. I do feel much more at peace just having made the decision. My dad apologized to me, but offered excuses…for why he left – he’d told my mom years ago if she left again, he was gone. She moved in with my Grandma and he poofed.

    Ok. I feel compassion for him. He did what he had to do. Whatever. It still doesn’t make it ok for me, or for her.

    For me, his response was, “you could have come with me?” Really?! Are you freakin’ crazy?!

    There’s all this stuff from the past, but then the current events just made me realize that I’ve been accepting shoddy behavior and excuses from him and that’s what I had been manifesting in men I date as well. I don’t want it and apparently, it has to stop with him. So…boundaries.

    I’m hoping it will help to heal things with him and his wife, but if not, I’m at peace with it.

    I have no idea how I managed to manifest a guy who has my back through all of this, who supports me unconditionally, but I feel thankful for whatever healing I’ve done that’s allowed it.

    I feel scared that my walking away from my dad will be a dealbreaker for MM, but I bet it won’t. If it is, then I’ll survive. And heal.

    My brother, thankfully, is magnificent. He’s always had my back, with no judgment. He just loves me unconditionally – since we were kids. I’ve always wanted to meet a guy like him. Maybe I wanted it bad enough that I manifested it despite my past.

    That feels awe-inspiring to think. I’m gonna stick with that thought.

    Thank you for your input. It feels comforting to know others have been through similar things and healed from it.

    xoxo



  367.  #367Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Also, re: the “no drama,” “crazy” thing. I’ve had the opportunity to heal that lately.

    MM started telling me that he attracts crazy women. I was thinking, “Oh gosh. Here we go again.” But I stayed open and even went one step further. I told him about the craziest thing I ever did while I was dating the crazy trigger guy. It felt super scary.

    His response was, “pbbfftt. That’s nothin’.” And I don’t feel any crazy triggers around him. Only acceptance. I feel accepting of my craziness and drama. I may be a “whackadoo” – that’s what the crazy trigger guy called me. But I don’t care. I love me, anyway.

    Yay me!



  368.  #368Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Hey LG,

    Wishing you love and magic on your visit!

    xoxo



  369.  #369Daria on December 21, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    my lil girl wants to cry the tension she stored awww

    i don’t feel like crying right now maybe stretching will feel good

    Elle IM – yes I LOVE T-TAPP

    maybe the clay-body stretches



  370.  #370Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Hmmm I feel sick. Or maybe I’m just tired? I will take good care of me, have a big dinner and go sleep right after. I can not be sick 3 days before Christmas and 3 days before my trip…



  371.  #371Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    I feel so loving and compassionate right now. The extent of my heart expanding feels amazing to me. It feels so… I can’t think of a big enough word.

    I feel loving and compassionate toward me, strangers in the crowded store, all the Sirens here. Almost even my dad’s wife. Calling her stepmom doesn’t feel good anymore. She doesn’t deserve to be in the same category with my mom.

    That feels small and petty. But it feels good to me right now to keep her separate. She can have my dad to herself if that’s what makes her feel good, but she CANNOT share a category with my mom.

    So…almost in the Christmas Spirit. This too shall heal and pass. For now, sinking into it. I still don’t feel as much anger toward her as I did last night, or even this morning.

    Hello heart! I love your beautiful healing process. You are so lovely, big, strong and soft. Lovely.



  372.  #372Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    Lizka,

    Yes. Rest up and take good care of YOU.

    I think I might take a nap. I feel so sleepy and peaceful right now. I should shower…maybe I’ll take a short nap first though. Take my own advice 😀



  373.  #373Daria on December 21, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    yay it feels good to be here paying attention to my feelings

    i feel like im nourshing and self caring me

    and CDs are calling and im telling them about feeling lonely and im NOT suggesting ish

    yay me



  374.  #374Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    I’m planning my [Annual] “Sweetie Christmas Super Duper Leannnnn Forwarrrrrddddd!”
    [cue music]

    Yay!!! 😀

    It’s creeping up on me. Thought it would be tomorrow, winter solstice, start of winter and kinda wanted to start an annual tradition,,,, but so much going on it might have to be the 23rd.

    It might not be too “special.” It wasn’t a “special” thing anyway but this might dip down to PB&J… with wine??? LOL
    😆

    Somebody on blog mentioned grilled cheese sandwiches a while back and that’s been on mind. I do fab grilled cheese sandwiches! … and it fits into what’s in my mind as part of “the life with Sweetie lifestyle…”

    Maybe… I feeling it…

    .



  375.  #375FlowerChild77 on December 21, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Hello…I haven’t posted for awhile and I’m very behind on the blog (I try to check in every few days and keep up with Rori’s new posts.)

    I just wanted to express how amazing the ‘LoveScripts’ program is and how much it’s helping me. It’s not just a help for relationships–what she’s teaching has been life changing for me in so many ways.

    If you want to get yourself something wonderful, this program would be a great gift for yourself. With all of the other things I’ve learned about the “Rori Raye Third Way” 😉 the LoveScripts program is the frosting on the cake. It’s been a blessing.

    I’ll catch up soon…God Bless all of you. I remember all of you Sirens in my prayers/meditations <3



  376.  #376Daria on December 21, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    wow it feels uncomfortable to tell the CDs i don’t like that im feeling a bit lonely!

    its like im afraid theyll come closer… AND then im wondering if ive been using “i feel lonely” to pull in on men’s energy that i do like

    so i said it to the one i dont like so i can feel comfortable expressing and not pulling



  377.  #377Starla on December 21, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    lk, i work with data all damn day long…i feel curious what you do with data at work?



  378.  #378Daria on December 21, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    it feels so uncomfortable reading exalting of leaning forward (taking it out of context here)

    i wonder what that is for me there?

    it feels like tightening up and also like being stepped on

    it feels like being told im worthless

    i wonder what this is about

    i feel so uncomfortable

    love to me

    i feel shut down and stony too



  379.  #379Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    Mel @ 237,

    ohhh. That felt so sad to read. I’m glad that things worked out for you.

    Yes – I think that letting go of expectations for me is good advice. Which is basically what I already decided to do. But…I am saying something to him. It feels necessary to me to express my feelings and get this all out in the open. He’s a proponent of that and boundaries feel important with him.

    Besides, if I can establish boundaries with him, establishing them with any other man will be a cakewalk – so it’s good practice.



  380.  #380Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    i actually do this all the time, take the opposite view and exalt it

    ohhh i LOVE killing kittens (not really)

    i feel so mad that people are writing about nto killing them

    hmmm

    maybe i judge myself at those times

    as just wanting attention

    also as being domineering and cold and walking over people

    wow cool

    i love ME

    this feels really not safe to look at , this whole thing

    i love me

    i honor that im willing to look at it and heal it babystep by babystep



  381.  #381Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    Awwww thankyou Sweetpea. It feels good to receive an advice, even if it’s something that was obvious.

    xoxo



  382.  #382Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    Lizka,

    Sometimes I get a little over-exuberant in encouraging Sirens to take care of themselves.

    And I was just sitting here thinking, “I don’t have time for a nap. Hmmm…Not taking my own advice.”

    Hmmpph



  383.  #383Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    uhoh! two online cds are possibly wanting to meet today

    and i want to meet one and am now trying to put off the other till later and i feel all tense like im controlling it

    ugh



  384.  #384Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    Esteemed @ 247,

    I already addressed this a bit, but I’ll answer your question directly and thank you for your caring.

    Yes, I am going to share my deep inner feelings with him.

    He has a 2 page letter sitting here, ready to be sent. I plan to give it a couple of days to make sure it’s really not being sent in anger or lashing out, and then…off it goes. Maybe with edits, maybe without, but it’s going.



  385.  #385Susan on December 21, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    I just had something really great happen!

    I had said nothing about NYE. I had no plans.

    He called today and asked if I had NYE plans and when I said no, he invited me to a big NYE bash with a dinner and a live band and ballroom dancing and it is held at a hotel so he might even get a room so we don’t have to drive home tipsy or tired. I was delighted to accept! I went from no plans to great plans in 2 minutes flat! What makes me happiest about this is I didn’t remind or nudge or mention anything at all. I love the way he steps up!



  386.  #386Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    now the one i liked seems to be holding back mmfff

    ok i dont want to control anymore i give up

    i feel sad

    and thats what

    there is to feel and heal

    i love me and my sadness



  387.  #387Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    omgosh the music is turning me on



  388.  #388Femininewoman on December 21, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    RE 237 Mel I remember seeing where Rori wrote somewhere about “giving up” to get what you want.



  389.  #389Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    I can’t go sleep right away. It’s only 6pm here. So I took a blanket and some pillow and i am just cuddleing with my dog on the couch watching tv. I never want to leave this place. I already feel better.



  390.  #390Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    BW @ 212,

    Funny you should mention the dog. It doesn’t compare to losing my mom, no, but I do find that I pay attention to how a man treats his pets.

    My dad loves animals, but they’re all disposable to him if they become inconvenient. That’s how I feel in regard to him right now, disposable, inconvenient.

    Last time he and I talked on the phone, we were talking about part of the reason I moved here being that I couldn’t find a place to live where I could have my dog in my hometown. He told me he would have gotten rid of them. He was respectful of my belief, but that just struck a chord in me. And now I’m remembering it and thinking, “hmmm…”

    I rescued my dog from the pound and it would feel devastating to me to have to get rid of her. My old dogsitter loved her, and she him. I might have given her to him if I had to, but there’s no way I could just put her up for adoption, or give her away to someone if I didn’t know they would love her the way I do, and see that she’s comfortable with them.

    I take my responsibility to her more seriously than that. I took her on to raise and she’s a living being. There are very few circumstances that would compel me to send her on her way. There are a few, but they’re very few. The fact that he could be so laissez faire about it felt really bad.

    MM treats his dog more like a dog, whereas I treat mine like a four-legged kid. I mean, I train her and she’s pretty well-behaved. She has an issue with little dogs and if I couldn’t just keep her away from them, then I might have to consider letting her go to someone who could. I’ve felt a bit of apprehension over MM’s treatment of his dog – he’s not mean or neglectful, his dog is a dog, though and knows it. Sometimes I think mine doesn’t.

    I won’t go into that in anymore detail. I was feeling a bit apprehensive about it though – until he got bit and flat out told me that he realizes my dog is like a kid to me and he would never ask me to get rid of her or tell me she’s not welcome there – that we’ll figure it out. I feel more at peace about it now. She may have to learn she’s a dog, but he accepts her completely (warts and all) the way he accepts me.



  391.  #391Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    @358: Susan says:
    “…A true apology includes taking responsibility for the wrong you have done and expressing regret that you did it. The peace I have over the decision to separate myself from the hurtful person was well worth it…”

    Yes, this is it exactly. A true apology, an acknowledgement and accounting of our own behaviour and words, with regret, responsibility to make amends and indication of future change.

    .



  392.  #392RiverGirl on December 21, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    296: Emerson says:

    “i feel ignored and unimportant
    i feel triggered sharing that
    like oh why should the whole world stop and say what does emerson need to hear???”

    Emerson, could I share with you something I heard Iyanla Vanzant say?

    Because everyone needs to feel like they matter.
    You matter Emerson, you matter.



  393.  #393Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Oops, fight in library… hope there won’t be flying chairs…



  394.  #394Femininewoman on December 21, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    Mel about the business idea and him paying. It reminds me of one of the tapping exercises I did with Margaret Lynch to open up the chakra to receiving from the universe. I believe it is connected to a vow you might have made about your worth. It seems me make vows both for and against the same things. It is like vowing never to be like your parents but at the same time unconsciously committed to being like them. Margaret Lynch shared that there is a law in the market place that you will get something back when you share your brillance and shine your light in the world. I guess I would share with Mr. A how I feel around accepting money for my idea but that I am open to receiving back value from the Universe, considering it a deposit on the wellspring of abundance that the Universe it getting ready to shower down on me.



  395.  #395Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Susan @ 385,

    Yay!!

    I had some good news last night too, speaking of holidays. MM’s oldest wanted to spend xmas with him because she’s feeling really angry and fed up with her mom. But…she’s had a change of heart and it looks like she’s not staying home. Even before that, MM was asking what I’m doing for xmas.

    I have plans already, but if he’s gonna be alone for xmas, she’s already told me to feel free to spend it with him. So…maybe a magical Christmas? (My friends husband is on Hospice care and not doing at all well either, so I’m almost thinking it would be doing her a favor to come up with alternate plans).

    He was planning NYE at Thanksgiving and already reminded me he has tickets. Such a good planner he is. I admire that in a man.



  396.  #396Daria on December 21, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    well this 6 10 guy i just talked to who i find attractive is coming to see me now! weeeeeeeeeeeeee

    🙂

    big smiles



  397.  #397Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    Hey FW!!

    Good afternoon! Missed seeing your name here for a bit.



  398.  #398Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    Some of the guys who were just kicked out of library were about 19, 20 years old, probably dating. I kind of wonder how they treat the young women they date…



  399.  #399Femininewoman on December 21, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    RiverGirl I feel lit up seeing you quote Vanzant. I met her some years ago in a Landmark Forum where for the first time in my life I came face to face with acknowledging that my programming was that I was not good enough becuase of what I experienced in childhood. It was during that same Forum that I experienced being able to feel in my body what people were feeling and thinking about themselves. I felt really connected to others in the room as if we were literally one. I feel so nostalgic thinking about that experience. Thanks fo rthe reminder



  400.  #400Femininewoman on December 21, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Thanks Sweetpea.



  401.  #401Liz on December 21, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Thanks everybody.
    Do you know another thermostat tool than the one I was talking about?
    Please clarify….
    I feel so tired and drained, I have no energy left at all.
    I am going to rest, even though it is the solstice.



  402.  #402Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    Liz,

    I love your thermostat tool and I don’t remember you going into detail about the energy cleanse and vacuum before so I feel happy you shared it again.

    The one I was talking about though, was indeed, one that I think FW shared for raising your threshold to intimacy.



  403.  #403Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    FW,

    Were you the one who shared the thermostat tool for raising one’s threshold to intimacy? If so, do you have it handy again and would it be too much of an inconvenience to repost it?



  404.  #404Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    Liz,

    I’m feeling tired and emotionally drained as well. I need to either shower or take a nap, but here I sit, doing neither.

    Up I go now to shower. It would feel magical to spend the solstice with MM – and it’s a possibility. So…shower, shower, shower.

    Here I come, shower.

    Still not feeling it. C’mon energy – just a little more.



  405.  #405Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    Arrrrrgggf. I feel so mad right now. I just can’t deal with one of my friend!

    She has the worst dating habits in the world. You will probably think i am judging here but i don’t think i am. She is the closest friend that I have. I know her since high school and we have talked everyday since (and often a few hours a day!).

    She keeps dating guys, go way too fast with them, commit to fast, sleep too fast and than break up (most of the time because the guy decided so) after 2 or 3 weeks. And than she keeps thinking of that for weeks and sometimes months!!! And she comes to me and complains. But she never listen to me whem i give advices.

    Recently, I told her about circular dating and she really liked it. She tried it for 2 weeks and then said it was too hard for her because she had DEEP FEELINGS with the 3 guys. One d*mped her and she didn’t listen to me when I suggested not to lean foward and not to be blamey. Well you know what happened next… And the 2nd guy lives in another province so she decided she would become 3rd guy’s girlfriend. After 2 weeks (and he was her less favorite, she kept telling me). Just by default. Because she lost the 2 others.

    I feel bad for her because she doesn’t respect herself enough to wait to have the good one. She’s afraid to hurt the guy so she says yes I’m your girlfriend. And she told me she’s not in love with him yet. I try to help her without telling her what to do but she doesn’t listen.

    Today I asked what she was doing and she said she’s at her mom, having family Christmas dinner and waiting for Guy#3… I said to myself oh my god this is way too fast, why did she overfunction and leaned fpward like that. She knows the guy for 3 weeks!!! The rest of the conversation went like that:

    Me: He’s on your way to your mom’s ?!

    Her: yes, my mom invited her (in my head I thought she’s putting the blame on her mom, why? She clearly IS the one who told her mother about the guy and SHE is the one who did the message to the guy…)

    Me: please do something for yourself, ok? If EVER it doesn’t work with Guy#3, (I am really not hopping that For you) please promise that you try to change your way of doing things and to go a little slowlier with next guy and not to let him penetrate your intimacy so quickly. Just one time, just to see if shifting your vibe could change something in your relationships.

    Her: Well I lime my way of doing (DOING!!!!) things and yours must not be perfect since YOU are still alone. (why is he blamey? I did not blame her I just suggested something to help her…)

    Me: if it doesn’t work, why Should you keep doing the same things over and over again?

    Her: And if it was the guys the problem and not me (I am feeling sick reading that)

    So that’s it, now I feel stressed and mad and even sad because she pointed at me and said i was still single like it was a disease. I honnestly prefere to be alone an to take care of myself than to rush the things with my 3RD choice just because I’m afraid to be alone. I am so happy that i am able to love me and i feel really sad that the closest person I have in the world doesn’t understand (and than comes see me for crying) and think i am a big fail. I feel so insecure now. My nasty voices are telling me I should do like her and date guys, commit very fast, etc.

    I feel le screaming. I feel like crying. I am crying. I am happy to be alone, why does she has to tell me things lile that. I feel like sh*t right now and like nothing is sure. Am I wrong to try to be a siren? Are all Rori’s tools going to take me nowhere? This is just nasty voices, I know they arr, but they are talking out loud in my head. I don’t want someone I care about to think I am a fail.

    Crying… And i feel good crying.



  406.  #406Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    I feel so glad and safe to have peoe like all you sirens in my life, even if you are just black and white words on the screen of my phone. I feel reassured that there is people who doen’t judged me regarding my dating habits and my choices and who give me the best advices i have ever had regarding men.

    I trust so much in this blog and in Rori and in vircular Dati g and in Siren’s world. I don’t want people (specially my friends) to make me feel ridiculous about it.

    I wish I had girls like you around me in my real life. I never had that many girl friends in my life, but if you were living here in my city, I wish i could have all of you in my circular circle so we could have girls night out and dinners and shopping and phone chatting and everything that girl friends usually do.

    I know it’s weird to say that.

    I feel so lonely and sad tonight after this discussion with that friend…



  407.  #407Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    I feel pathetic. And weak.



  408.  #408Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    I am wondering if I should keep people who make me feel that around me.

    Maybe I should “divorce” from this friend. Like we do from toxic men?

    Do you have any thoughts about this?



  409.  #409Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    I DON’T CARE ABOUT BEING ALONE! I prefere this to have the wrong boyfriend. Why do people think I’m either sick or either lying just to show i’m strong? I’m not lying but it doesn’t seem natural to people. I’d lime to be in a world where it’s as normal to be single as it is to be married.



  410.  #410Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    It feels like it’s only on this siren’s island that people accept that I am single and that I am not rushing to change the situation.



  411.  #411RiverGirl on December 21, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    Aww, thanks FW. It feels good to trigger some special memories for you.

    Iyanla Vanzant is awesome! I’d never heard of her until I started watching Oprah’s Lifeclass webcasts that someone posted here. She is on many of the sessions and is brilliant. She has a way to getting right to the truth and so funny! : )

    I’d post a link, but its too hard to pull up at the moment because my computer has been slowed for using up my download allowance….coz I’ve been watching so much Iyanla!!



  412.  #412Radiance on December 21, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Is it just me or does anyone else here feel that there just aren’t enough hours in the day to do all the fun, sexy, taking-care-of-myself things like:

    yoga
    meditation
    oil pulling
    scalp massage, hair brushing
    facial exercises and cleansing, face & neck moisturizing
    applying body oil
    basic grooming: teeth brushing
    dry rubbing
    smoothie prep
    real food prep
    bowel movements (2-3 :))
    kegels

    –much less nurturing relationships, expressing creativity, checking email, getting chores done…

    I’m grinnin’ and sippin’ a gin n tonic. Cyber cheers to all!



  413.  #413Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Lizka,

    Sorry you’re feeling down. I don’t have any advice for you. I just “divorced” my dad, or at least filed for a separation for not giving me unconditional love. But, we’ve been doing this dance for years.

    You can give your friend advice, but you can’t make her take it – no matter how much you know if would help her. She’ll be open to this when she’s ready for it – not before.

    The best thing you can do is keeping doing what feels right to you and lead by example, in my opinion.



  414.  #414crystal eyes on December 21, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Had a great date yesterday.

    Although still recovering from latest surgery I attended Christmas markets with Singing CD (second date ). He drove 2 hours to take me out , came to my house and met my young men. Lots to chat about.

    I feel uncomfortable about him and money. I think he is VERY money conscious. He stated (after seeing my house)that he and i probably earned similar and had similar big outgoings. He talked about making money trading on the markets at one point and also mentioned he had just paid out his ex . I think he is in male panic mode when they see the reality of children to support , the marital finances halved and one income to build their financial empire with. These things are important to men after divorce.

    BUT I felt uncomfortable. The first meeting after cyber contact I offered and he accepted half of the bill (cheap cafe) and we both drove half way. Second meeting (first date) he invited me , he drove a good way for an afternoon with me , he paid the cashier for dinner and wine ($80) and i held out $40 towards him ..he actually hesitated ..I felt he wanted to take it but in the end he said ,” no , your turn next time. ”

    I would not have offered except he had made these money comments during the day and the message i had received was that he was not rolling in the stuff and was at a similar level to me (and he mentioned his hourly rate as well!) with kids to support.

    And lets not forget I am the one who only worked half the year and am off ill now with no income.

    All this felt bad. I shouldnt have offered money either time maybe but its a bit cultural here. I have a mind to write an email…” I feel awkward about money. I am used to the guy being glad to pay the first few dates at least. ”
    I know I wouldnt send it.

    Actually what I would like to convey is “I would feel comfortable if you paid the first few dates as i would feel like I was being taken care of. I also feel good knowing the man can be so generous. ”

    I just feel a little blaah about the money. I am going to meet him soon for an hour or two and there will be no cost.

    I sent this…

    I felt awkward about the bill at the pub and I offered you money and THAT felt bad to me, as if implying you couldn’t take care of me or werent generous.
    I am normally quite free with money and enjoy it as I work hard. However I have had very little work lately to draw on.
    So thank you for treating me. I find these things awkward !!!



  415.  #415Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    392 River girl
    I feel teary reading this…like, really moved. Wow. You know what I DO matter!
    It doesn’t matter if I get passed up for stuff at work and they try to dismiss me like oh Emerson here she goes again…asking for more than she deserves….I love my boss he really is a kind person, but this is why I’m looking for a new job, plus I’m changing careers altogether somewhat. Well anyway Rivergirl I do appreciate your words…I feel teary still..



  416.  #416Emerson on December 21, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    crystal eyes I love your name…. 🙂



  417.  #417Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    Sweetpea

    “You can give your friend advice, but you can’t make her take it”

    But do I have to accept to let her tell me I am fail because of my way to deal with men?

    In any way, thank you for your kind words. I’ve been very busy in the last days and didn’t had time to read all the posts on the blog. I knew there was a situation with yoir father but i don’t know what. I am sorry. It must feels worst to have to “divorce” from a family member. I send you a hug and MY unconditianal love. <3



  418.  #418Esteemed on December 21, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    This is one of the number one things I have learned from this blog, and I so value this understanding and attitude:

    ” If I judge a person, it doesn’t define who they are.

    It defines who I am.”



  419.  #419Daria on December 21, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    i recently got from Rori that i can apologize for triggering pain without saying ive done seomething “wrong.” i don’t belive in wrong.

    and it seems really controlling to me to expect that person to recount their Wrongness.

    and i feel jugemental of that

    and i know i feel judgemetnal of me when i soemtimes feel all controlly and like i have to have it that way to feel safe

    hmm

    i want to heal this

    its more like thank u and i still feel upset

    im sayint this on the phone right now

    i feel my mind shutting down

    my ehart feels achy

    ok i acually feel better

    i took some hits at him but he took em and i feel better lol



  420.  #420Aurora Girl on December 21, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    341 Yay Emerson…..

    for sure…..reach for your goal….never give up…..I am living proof it’s possible…..I had to wait a long while and I was picky picky picky…………but soooooo glad I was ….and so glad I was patient and practice with each guy that was my test drive to the real deal….

    go girl!



  421.  #421Daria on December 21, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    awww one of my rude immature CDs who is still contacting me like

    i want u

    now wrties me “why dont you want me”

    poor papi! awwww



  422.  #422Aurora Girl on December 21, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Sirens

    then next days are going to be busy busy busy here with my children and other things for the holidays,…..not sure when I’ll get on again….but want to send you all good vibes,….lots of love and many many thanks….

    love
    Aurora

    Canada

    xo



  423.  #423Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    I think i am going to “break up” with my friend.

    I am trying to take care of myself these days and this is something that doesn’t help. I have to avoid people with who i feel bad when I am around.

    It’s not new from today. It’s been like that for years. I think she is toxic for me and I want to be surrounded with friends that don’t think I am anormal with the decision i take or at least with people that don’t make me feel like it.

    That’s it I’m breaking up.



  424.  #424Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Lizka @ 417,

    Awww. Thank you, sweetie.

    To answer your question, no. You don’t have to accept her saying anything about you that feels bad. You don’t have to accept that from anyone. That’s where boundaries come in.



  425.  #425Daria on December 21, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    u know what

    i can’t believe

    men can fall in love with me

    like the obsessive wild overwhelming way i do with them

    even the cool ones

    i FINALLY got it

    fianlly finally

    omg i feel like crying

    ive been wanting this power so long

    i feel sad

    well its might be the song

    woman i love you
    girl i couldnt do u no wrong
    woman i love you

    wow finally i got the power

    now to allow myself to have the life

    i feel sad

    i still feel SO lonely

    im thinking i will feel this lonelyness to the end of my life

    and maybe it will heal

    i intend to heal

    feel like crying

    cryin cryin cryin

    cryin cryin cryin

    wow thank u Daria for crying

    thank you Daria for making me a green smoothie



  426.  #426Susan on December 21, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    RE: 405: Lizka says:

    “Arrrrrgggf. I feel so mad right now. I just can’t deal with one of my friend!

    Recently, I told her about circular dating and she really liked it. She tried it for 2 weeks and then said it was too hard for her

    Her: Well I lime my way of doing (DOING!!!!) things and yours must not be perfect since YOU are still alone. (why is he blamey? I did not blame her I just suggested something to help her…)

    Me: if it doesn’t work, why Should you keep doing the same things over and over again?

    Her: And if it was the guys the problem and not me (I am feeling sick reading that)”

    I have a similar situation. I love my friend. She is beautiful and works full time and has a successful business on the side. She has horrible luck with men.

    I told her about Rori’s way of going things and she said it was ridiculous I would feel I have to hide the fact that I am a strong woman just to get a man.

    We all know it isn’t that way – it just looks that way on the surface. I wish she would open her mind to it, but she refuses.



  427.  #427Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    Thank you Sweetpea. Reading your message, I feel crying again.

    I know I feeling sad but I think my tears come from the fact that I am feeling sick and tired.

    I really hope that I am not sick and feeling like that just because I am tired.

    It’s 8 pm here, already in bed with the lights turned off. I’ll be off to dream island very soon.

    I am happy that I made the decision to avoid people who made me feel bad. I think I will do the same thing with that guy at work. Of course I can’t totally avoid him since he’s desk is right in front of mine, but I can ignore him, not reply when he says things that doesn’t feel good orthat feels unfair (and I tend to be agressive in these cases) and I can not work directly with him if I don’t want to.

    This is taking care of myself too, no?



  428.  #428Daria on December 21, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    im so thug

    make mac dre fall in love

    everytime you call you take the drug



  429.  #429Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Lizka, It IS taking care of you.

    I’m feeling compelled to send you this post, to read when you have time. Maybe it will help you become more clear on this.

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/index.php?s=Christine+Arylo

    Check out Christine’s site, too if you have time (I think there’s a link to it in the article).



  430.  #430Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Lizka, It IS taking care of you.

    I’m feeling compelled to send you this post, to read when you have time. Maybe it will help you become more clear on this.

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/index.php?s=Christine+Arylo

    Check out Christine’s site, too if you have time (I think there’s a link to it in the article).



  431.  #431Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    I have NO idea how that posted twice…

    I only remember hitting submit twice.



  432.  #432Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    hahahaha! I really must take a nap. I meant to say I only remember hitting submit once.

    Laughing at my faux pas! Feels good to laugh at me!!!



  433.  #433Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    426 Susan –

    Thank you for sharing. I know what you mean by “I wish she would open her mind to it, but she refuses.”. I don’t understand why someone would refuse to help herself! Plus my friend refuses to even think one second that SHE might be part of the problem, she prefers blame it on the men. Is it a lack of intelligence or a lack of self esteem or a lack of love for yourself.

    I know I shouldn’t force her to understand but it makes me feel so angry to have someone I like beeing blind like that.

    No, I don’t need that kind of friend and I am a big girl, I can choose my friends just like I do with men. No?



  434.  #434Daria on December 21, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    i feel walled off from everyone

    i just want to be with mysefl

    i have a cd showing up 1 hour late right now

    grr

    well he called



  435.  #435Lizka on December 21, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    Oh thank you Sweetpea for the link! I started reading it but than realised i was also too tired so i saved it and will
    Read it tomorrow. Will go sleep now.

    I wish you a a great solstice and thank you so much for your support. I feel better.

    xoxo



  436.  #436Laughing Goddess on December 21, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    Esteemed: #418

    Like!



  437.  #437Daria on December 21, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    wow this cd just canceled on me

    i felt very upset but didnt lash out very much

    i felt that

    NO im still angry

    i still feel like punching you energy

    awww

    love to me

    i also feel a lil better as some guys called to see if i wanna hang out

    but they’re downtown and im not . im at home which is far



  438.  #438RiverGirl on December 21, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    Lizka and Susan,
    I can really relate to what sounds like frustration with your friends who just don’t seem to understand our perspective. It can feel like rejection when I offer another way of dating and relating to men that I am sure will help them as it has helped me and they tell me it’s nonsense and that I have it all wrong.

    Helps me to remind myself that everyone is on their own path and that however well intentioned it is on my side, my friend can only receive her life lessons in the way that she is meant to receive them. She will not be able to do so a single moment before she is ready. I believe that my role as a friend is just to stay on my own path and demonstrate that other way, while staying loving and open even though all I want to do is shake her and say “WAKE UP!”



  439.  #439Liz on December 21, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    Hi
    I feel scared and foolish.
    I decided to look anonymously on match.com and my accountantCD has reactivated his account.

    I guess why wouldn’t he? Maybe he thought I was rejecting him….
    I have not heard from him at all.
    I don’t understand…I feel confused and dissappointed….i thought he was going to break up with his girlfriend and come for me, maybe that is not what is going to happen.
    It is so hard to get out of this….I am a single mom and it is really hard to get a social life and so this was the most exciting thing that has happened to me in such a long time, even though I have been CDing….



  440.  #440T-Girl on December 21, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    Lizka – don’t let your friend get you down. You “get it”. She doesn’t. Your payoff will be your happiness when you find the guy that you don’t settle for.



  441.  #441T-Girl on December 21, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    412 Radiance – I hear you about not having enough time in the day! I work from 7 a.m. to 6 p.m. and by the time I get home, make dinner for me and my daughter and do anything I need to do around the house, I am too exhausted to do anything else!

    Hmmm, maybe not too exhausted to mix up a gin and tonic though. Cheers!



  442.  #442LILI 41 on December 21, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    Happy Holidays to all Sirens!

    I’m leaving to go visit my family tomorrow. I don’t know when I’ll be able to come back here 🙁

    I won’t have access to internet for a few days.
    But I’ll definitely be back as soon as I can.

    I’ll miss you all. Take care! xox



  443.  #443Starla on December 21, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    Daria 419
    I personally really feel good when i see “sorry for triggering you.” It’s not the same as “sorry you feel that way” or “i’m sorry for being the source of your pain,” which are two extremes each placing the blame on only one person that is somehow supposed to make things “right.” And the thing is – i don’t feel like placing responsibility should even be HAPPENING in the first place.

    “Sorry for triggering you” is awesome.



  444.  #444Daria on December 21, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    about the time in the day… its not too little time if those activities feel fun and i WANT to do them

    i do them when i want to, and babysteps to training myself to want them



  445.  #445Esteemed on December 21, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Sweetpea,

    RE: #260 – You said, “The truth is though, his walking out on my mom and me during the darkest time in her life and when I needed him the most, is inexcusable. I’m not accepting his excuses for it anymore and I’m not accepting treatment like that anymore. I forgive him for it and I still love him, but I don’t have to accept treatment like that. Not even from my dad.”

    Walking out on you and your Mom at that time shocks my conscience! It is far beyond inexcusable! He is going to have to answer to God for that someday!



  446.  #446Daria on December 21, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    Daria i love you and your sensitiveness

    and also i love the way you’re taking care of yourself



  447.  #447Starla on December 21, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    Radiance, I totally agree, not nearly enough hours in the day…I would do all that stuff every day if I could!

    Lizka, I don’t know if i’m “helping” by adding my story to the lot, but I told a friend about Rori, and she couldn’t “get” it either, and reacted by grumbling to mutual friends about how I give crazy love advice but it must work since i’m “so stuck up and ugly” but have great luck with being treated like a princess. My friend was really beautiful, but I guess ugly on the inside shows through.

    you could just set a boundary with your friend, that you want to have a happy and healthy dating life and you feel worried that listening to her make the same mistakes over and over again is going to affect you negatively, and that you don’t want to be cut down for wanting to go about things in a way that places higher value on yourself.

    or something like that.

    hugs for you. whatever you decide:)



  448.  #448Esteemed on December 21, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Sweetpea,

    RE: #260 – “he still tells me things like, “you’ve always had your head up your a$$.” ”

    What a vile, coarse thing to say. Even moreso coming from your father. That feels horrible. My first boyfriend said that to me and just the reminder still stings.



  449.  #449Liz on December 21, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    Lizka
    I feel for you, you only want the best for your friends….
    and it feels so good that our friends can trust us and listen to us…
    that is what i like about coming on this blog….you are all very open to what we all have to offer….
    and I love reading about what you are doing and how you are growing by challenging yourself to new things everyday….how did the looking in the eyes of the strangers go yesterday?



  450.  #450Starla on December 21, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    I went to therapy to talk about what i’ve been going through and how afraid I am with CF. And then he picked me up from therapy (funny…he never asks what i’m doing at the “doctor’s” every week…he must understand what kind of “doctor’s appointment” it is. So we started talking about my essay and how overwhelmed i feel, and i started feeling self conscious and awful again, so I just straight up told him that I kept feeling awful telling him when i feel stressed out, and how ashamed i feel, and how scared i feel…and how so many people just lash out when they’re stressed or act funny, but i don’t want to do that, but then i expose myself as weak and vulnerable, and it seems more socially acceptable to act “tough.”

    and he told me he loves how i am up front with my feelings and never take them out on him. He told me a few different ways. He was just right there for me, present in the conversation…I feel so heard and seen. It feels lovely.

    And my therapist and I talked about ways of coping with intense bad feelings in the moment when I’m at work and trippin about some random CF thing.

    sooooo i feel excited to spend the next 4 days with CF. It’s going to feel great to spend all that time with one of my favorite people.



  451.  #451Liz on December 21, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Starla,
    that is so good and he totally sounds like a keeper….
    you are an inspiration…..



  452.  #452Esteemed on December 21, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    Excellent Article from White Hot Truth dot com

    in honour of the fact that life is short: ecstatic sex, quitting, and wearing your best

    wear your white shirts. get them pressed.
    use your good dishes — everyday.
    shave on weekends.

    do not wait for special occasions.
    do not tuck your best away in the drawers, in the back of the closet, in your heart.
    don’t wait for holidays or invitations.

    declare that your today is the special occasion.

    call instead of emailing. (it feels so good to connect.)
    go for coffee.

    quit.
    take care of it.

    renounce your glory days. you’ve told all of those stories more than twice.
    focus forward.

    wear perfume for yourself. toss your only-wear-around-the-house clothes and let your good clothes graduate to around-the-house status.
    intend to feel good all of the time.

    write your book.

    launch.

    make ecstatic sex a priority. (this deliberateness will make you more creative, productive and generally gracious. on your death bed, you will think about all the amazing sex you had this lifetime.)

    burn your to-do list.

    write poetry. one a day.

    make a point to be as encouraging as possible, as much as possible, to everyone possible.

    don’t look back.

    if you feel like you’re always failing, consider that this is part of being an artist. let it be a divine inclination. keep going.

    enter.

    leave.

    eat real food.

    often refuse to be in the presence of people who make you feel repressed, anxious, or pull your frequency down.

    do not entertain haters.

    send light to the haters.

    give it away. you probably don’t need it and someone else does.

    turn off the tv.

    let it be easy.

    burn candles. during the day.

    fall in love. with yourself. with the person you’re with. with the persons in your orbit.
    because no one is perfect, but you can let the love be perfect for the both of you.
    because everyone — everyone — is a doorway to God.
    because you can get there from here.

    because life is short.



  453.  #453Esteemed on December 21, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    From Marc and Angel dot com

    30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

    When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
    the right things a chance to catch you.

    As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

    Here are some ideas to get you started:

    Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
    Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
    Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.
    Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
    Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
    Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
    Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
    Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
    Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
    Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
    Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
    Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
    Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
    Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
    Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
    Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
    Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
    Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
    Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
    Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
    Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
    Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
    Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.
    Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
    Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
    Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
    Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
    Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
    Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
    Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.



  454.  #454Liz on December 21, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    when i get on POF, why do very young men always try to hook up with me for a good time?



  455.  #455Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    Esteemed,

    I know. I’m realizing more and more that the behavior he’s displayed toward me is just not something I would tolerate from a man who’s not my dad. I wouldn’t tolerate it anymore, anyway – I used to.

    So I have healed considerably. And now it’s time to heal it completely. I feel grateful for the support I’ve received here.

    It was a tough decision to make. I’ll remain open to him contacting me and more than willing to heal together, but I won’t sit by idly anymore and pretend that it’s ok. It’s not. And it never has been.



  456.  #456Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    I feel excited to see what MM will have to say about it. I’m looking forward to feeling vulnerable with a man – how cool is that?!

    I used to shrink from it in terror. Eek!

    Starla,

    Glad to hear you’re feeling better and being fully authentic. Woohoo!



  457.  #457Sweetpea on December 21, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    Liz,

    Because very young men like “cougars”?



  458.  #458Esteemed on December 21, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Laughing Goddess,

    RE: #231 from “Overcoming Betrayal” thread:

    You said, “At this point, I feel unsure of how I can support you Esteemed.

    I would still love to get an answer about that.

    How can I support you?

    What would feel good for you?

    I feel so sad and frustrated seeing you go through this cycle over and over. I feel angry and protective hearing some of the things you say about and to him.

    I wonder if you feel defensive sometimes because it seems like I am making you wrong or somehow saying I am better than you because I got out of an imaginary relationship.

    That’s not my intention. I believe that we can all learn from each other.

    What would you do the situation was reversed, Esteemed. What words of wisdom would you share with someone who was in your situation?

    I feel very curious.”

    LG, I appreciate you caring. And I appreciate you. Two overriding things about when I write on this blog: It is typically raw processing, often unfiltered; and I AM DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH R.

    I have been in love with him all along, no matter how harshly I express my thoughts about him in moments when I am writhing in raw pain! The whole reason I have been in pain is because I am in love with him!

    So my INTENTION is NOT to slander him! When I say he is influenced by evil, I am just drawing from my raw thoughts. Rori has encouraged us to treat her blog like an emotional journal. I can’t thank Rori and all the Sirens enough for allowing me to do that here! But please keep in mind R is my favorite person on earth, and he has been for nearly 3 years. So truly, no need to feel protective of him. I feel protective of him, and I would literally die for him! He is so unique and beautiful and handsome! I adore him!

    Does he have issues? Hell yeah! And so I have been grappling at a deep level for 2.5 years over this complex man who has taken me on a journey into my deepest feelings, desires, and motivations.

    Because, as Rori says men are free therapists, I have learned more about myself and embarked on more missions of inner healing through R than thru anyone or anything else!

    I will trust time to prove out that this is not an imaginary relationship. There has been more going on than I was able to express and be regarded as sane at the same time.

    I really feel good about where I am with R and with myself, with my inner healing and processing. I don’t feel a lot of need for support right now.

    When I have specific questions, I will ask them, and I really really appreciate it when Sirens take the time to respond to me. I have learned so, so much from you all!

    How would I support me? I would do what I am doing: I am taking care of myself: physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, relational, and financial needs are all being acknowledged and addressed. I have never felt so good about myself and how I take care of myself! Each time I brush my teeth or exfoliate my feet or what-have-you, I hear Sirens in the background, thanking themselves for doing each little thing to love and care for herself. And so I thank myself under my breath in the same way.

    I support myself by reading relevant articles, seeking out wise counsel, spending time with caring friends, and spending time alone thinking, feeling, and praying.

    I also think thru scenarios of what if this situation arises again? Or what if this happens? I picture myself in the moment, talking with R, trying to think how I will respond; how I will manage anger; nervousness; embarrassment. I find that role playing is my major need in preparation.

    I am also working very hard on exercise and eating right! I am feeling more shapely and slender after 9 weeks of steady, solid exercise! And I am eating more protein and vegetables, and less of everything else.

    So, if anything, it would help if people told me how they handle various situations that are likely to arise with him. For example, he continues to deny intentionally hurting me in 2009. The other night, Sunday, he said from the heart, “It is not my intention to hurt you. I care about you.”

    I honestly believe him. Yet I don’t think that cancels out 2009, when over and over I felt triggered by situations he set up that were very painful. I trust him most of the way now, because he has not acted the same way in 2011, with the possible exception of last Wednesday when he said he was going to the meeting then didn’t show up. By the way, he called me tonight, asking me if I was going to the meeting. I stayed home tonight, so I told him so.

    I think if R like the “beast” in the story, “Beauty and the Beast”. He has a good heart, and he is by and large benevolent. But he has an ugly side that tends to repel people.

    Like I have told him tens of times: I love him and accept him exactly the way he is!

    What do you think?



  459.  #459Esteemed on December 21, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    LK,

    Thank you for all your comments my direction, also. You express yourself beautifully! I have pretty much said all I need to say on the topic, even tho I haven’t really addressed all your comments directly.



  460.  #460tenny on December 21, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    I feel unsure, unbalanced and vulnerable to the future. I am going to let go of my fears and step out into deeps waters . . . taking a chance on feeling my passion without s3x . . . connection without physical gratification . . . facing the demons of my relationship past deep within myself. I feel so scared and so excited about what to do and how I am going to feel.



  461.  #461Esteemed on December 21, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    Sweetpea,

    RE: #455 – Right on! I feel happy for and proud of you for sending him the letter!

    You have grown so much in the 1.5 years I’ve known you! I love you!



  462.  #462Esteemed on December 21, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    Liz,

    R turned me into a cougar! LOL! I love it that he’s 15 years younger than me!



  463.  #463Susan on December 21, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    RE: 438: RiverGirlNo Gravatar says:

    “Helps me to remind myself that everyone is on their own path and that however well intentioned it is on my side, my friend can only receive her life lessons in the way that she is meant to receive them. She will not be able to do so a single moment before she is ready. I believe that my role as a friend is just to stay on my own path and demonstrate that other way, while staying loving and open even though all I want to do is shake her and say “WAKE UP!””

    I consider this woman a friend for life. She is very dear to me. But she is lonely. And doesn’t want to hear how to change it. I know I need to let her take her own path. But it is hard to see her hurting.



  464.  #464Susan on December 21, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    RE: 454: Liz says:

    “when i get on POF, why do very young men always try to hook up with me for a good time?”

    They are hoping you will teach them a few good sex tricks they can impress their younger girlfriends with.