Lessons From The Movies To Help You Get Into You

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Have you ever felt small and blue? Frustrated and lonely and even a bit lost?

Is this something we can fix?  Or is it simply part of being a human being?

For me, it’s not what happens, or how we feel – but what we do with that.  What we CHOOSE to do next, when we have a choice. And so much of what happens next for us depends on whether or not we THINK we have a choice.

If we don’t, then we let life push us around, lead us around, confuse us, make us happy or unhappy.  When we’re up, we’re up, when we’re down, we’re down.  But mostly we feel at the mercy of what happens.  We lose the feeling of being in charge of ourselves.  We think we’re on a boat with no one at the helm, afraid to grab the wheel ourselves for fear we’ll do something wrong, steer ourselves wrong.

We go through transitions from one feeling state to another, from one circumstance to another.  So often we let life act on us, instead of acting for our life – let what happens determine our vision for ourselves instead of letting our visions lead us in the direction of the vision.

I just saw “He’s Just Not That Into You” – and it’s a great movie.  There’s just so much here I can use to hang Tools on, to make things clear, to illustrate scenarios and outcomes and the why and what and how of getting what we want in this life.  About lies and how they’ve run our lives. How being emotionally vulnerable is the most powerful way to be on this planet. About the nature of Truth, and what’s important about it.

Mostly – how to simply be open to hearing the Truth – even if we’re not sure what the Truth is.  About fearlessness, and how to be there.

So, I want to follow the characters in this great movie and pull out all the lessons, explore how all my Tools will work in each of these moments – so I’ll call the characters by the actors’ names for clarity – here’s the list (Oh – I don’t want this to be a spoiler – I’ll try to leave out the endings – yet you’ll get more out of it if you see the movie before you read these posts):

Ginnifer Goodwin plays the naive, sweet, open woman who’s been filled with all the bad advice and untruths we’ve all been fed, and struggling mightily to get what she wants even though she’s going about it all in the wrong way.

Jennifer Connelly plays the quirky, interesting wife in a crumbling marriage that’s missing both communication and sex.

Jennifer Aniston plays a woman in a great 7 year live-in relationship with a good man (Ben Affleck) who doesn’t want to marry.

Scarlett Johansson plays a gorgeous, sexy woman with talent and ambition as a singer who falls for a married man (Jennifer Connelly’s husband) and creates a huge mess that actually turns out well for everyone but the husband.

Drew Barrymore plays a sweet, smart, naive, hopeful woman who runs a business well and is struggling with dating online, with messaging – phone, text and social networking, and sees so much good in everyone, she can’t take good care of herself emotionally

The men: – we’ll get to them later.

I’m going to start in the next post with the Jennifer Aniston character – I’ll try to leave out the endings and how things turn out, and focus on what we can learn here.

Let me know which character you identify with – and that will help me write in even more depth…

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Katja on February 27, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    Ok,I didn’t see the film yet (but I hope I will be able to within the next week). I would identify myself a bit with each of the first three characters (Ginnifer,Jennifer C.,Jennifer A.-wow almost similar names!). Because I feel I am a sweet and open woman who was told all the bad advices and lies that are whizzing around out there in the world AND I am in a long-term relationship with a good man (who has some toxic qualities I have to admit but is not whole toxic) with whom I live together but who doesn’t want to marry yet although we have a baby together AND in our relationship sex is missing (but not because of him-he wants to have sex-but I am the one who doesn’t have that much sexual desire-although it’s getting better and we get closer in this field because I am handling my fear of intimacy better and I am working on my self-esteem with good results).

    I feel excited to read about all of you and about the next posts and/or comments from you,Rori!

    Lots of love,

  2.  #2Katja on February 27, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    Oh I forgot something-I don’t identify that much with the second,the Jennifer Connelly-character,only for the missing sex part. I don’t see myself as quirky and I don’t see the relationship with my boyfriend as crumbling. 🙂

  3.  #3Reflection on February 27, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    WOW Rori! I love you so much for providing these characters! I love the way you describe them… and looking forward to reading your posts!

    I wanted to offer also… a bunch of new comments are happening on http://enlightenedrelationship.blogspot.com/2009/02/if-im-really-awake-is-there-still-need.html and also on the blog about sex and the cultivation of inner equilibrium… I am getting to know you all, beautiful sparks of love… and remembering names… so I’ll just say someone commented about the one blog about her disappointment about orgasm and I was so touched… I don’t want anyone to go away with a bad rap about orgasms… I’m adding to and sharing this part of the journey so we can add to our insights about the role sex and orgasm has on how we feel about ourselves and also, better understand how the chemistry in the body is bringing us closer or why it might cause someone else to put pressure on us or us on them??? … I’m adding this blog to my blog roll … how do I do that?

    BTW: my first riffing or try at riffing has opened my world so much! I kinda need to communicate with my former boyfriend from this place in me that is still a teenager… giving myself permission to be validated in the MIX of emotions I haven’t allowed myself to feel fully all these years… it’s incredible how I can give the perception of being so sexually sophisticated and completely be a nervous, awkward, delicate dewdrop of a teenager…

    When I emailed him last night… the vulnerability in my poetry to him was awesome… he was so sensitive to me… very tender… and real! invited me to talk… and I stayed simple… also tender… and said, “I’m nervous” cause who knows what he’ll say? I can tell, I’m already so much more in touch with my emotional self… I can be so much more real… so much more simple in response to him… and less likely to completely explode or disappear if something he shares hurts… that is… if I do see him… he’s feeling the vulnerability too… I had to face my disappointments first… be in a place of forgiveness (thanks to Erika’s post on forgiveness as ACIM sees it)… may need to riff some more before I know if seeing him is what I want…

    Loving you all!

  4.  #4Reflection on February 27, 2009 at 5:27 pm

    One last one to add… http://enlightenedrelationship.blogspot.com/2009/02/from-painbody-to-peace.html From Painbody to Peace… and I’m going to write more for this one… I hope we can all become more compassionate to what we are moving through to be the organic love we are… Rori… I’ve never been more confident about my inner goodness as I am reading comments here… of all our inner goodness… I love that my research is getting to serve me in a new way as I move past the awareness of something into the feelings just going in every direction inside of me… conflicting ones… zooooommmm! and powerful onessss… zinging past! so tender for me… so wonderful… ahhhhhhhhhhh… I can have my feelings…. ahhhhhhhhhh… everyday, rather than just waiting for some workshop! 🙂

    Love, Love

  5.  #5heartbeat on February 27, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    I can’t wait to see this film and see which character I most identify with!! It’ll feel like a treat for me. I feel like going on my own because I don’t talk about relationships in the same way as I used to to girlfriends. I’ll write here instead.

    On the face of it, I might be a bit Drew Barrymore, with a bit of Scarlett and Jennifer thrown in….. oh I feel all embarrassed now… why can’t I just be PERFECT?????? Darn. OK when I’ve seen the film I’ll be back as…. ????

  6.  #6heartbeat on February 27, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    PS Katja I’m happy things are going well for you 🙂
    I read it in an earlier comment on another post.

  7.  #7ABC on February 27, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    when i first saw this film, i felt a little insulted about how they portrayed the women in this movie. I especially felt really upset about how they completely portrayed Ginnifer Goodwin’s character as dumb and naive.
    i felt so mad about that. Also, in the movie, the guy went from “not so into her” to “into her” just because she opened up and cried seemed a little fake—if there’s no chemistry to begin with, a guy is not going to be attracted to you just because you become vulnerable and cry—there has to be some kind of CHEMISTRY.

    i am probably triggered by this movie in so many different ways:(

  8.  #8Ann on February 27, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    At the moment my character would be a aggravated lady who is recoverying from being very sick, but trying to work with a computer and ISP that sucks…. now that feels better lol

    My quirky self would identify the most with Jennifer Connelly but also have parts of Ginnifer Goodwin through in there.

    Now I hope I can get this to post.

  9.  #9Linmayu on February 27, 2009 at 10:06 pm

    From reading the descriptions I’m going to say I identify with Jennifer Connelly’s character, in every way…though I will have to see the movie to say for sure. Although in real life I feel a lot for Jennifer Aniston, I read in some magazine today about how she’s handling the whole Brad/Angelina thing (from what I read, she seems to be trying really hard to present the image that she’s OK, but she isn’t) and I feel so similarly to that; I feel like if I were to run into my ex with his new love (not that I know whether he really has one) I would likely act exactly the same way. I don’t know how I’d get around that.

  10.  #10alias girl on February 27, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    i am looking for my best friend who i like to have sex with. it seems to me this will be obvious. i don’t feel i need to sweat anything. oh maybe i should have put this under the organic post.

    it just occurred to me. and i feel really calm and content. like oh, right. that will be very apparent.

    like the jennifer anniston character in the movie. ohkay. maybe i did put this comment in it’s best place.

    i enjoyed the movie. i had really low expectations for it and ended up enjoying it. i related to all of them if i had to pick the one charc i related to the most it’d probably have to be the gennifer goodwin charc. then scarlett. then hmmmm maybe a tie between drew and jennifer connelly. then jennifer anniston. only bc i don’t really have real relationships like that.

  11.  #11Bethany on February 28, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    Hands down, I’m like Ginnifer Goodwin’s character most, although I feel that I’m wiser since I started working with Rori’s tools and noticing things…maybe I’m between where she starts out in the movie and where she ends up. I felt identified with her anxiety and obsessiveness, and also her inherent sweetness. I LOVED this film and can’t wait to see it again–I felt so surprised at how GOOD it is, really well-written and SMART. I feel so excited to recommend everyone here go see it today–it’s Saturday, after all!

  12.  #12Samat on March 2, 2009 at 2:47 am

    I have seen the movie and I really liked it. I felt perplexed with Scarlett’s character. I felt triggered because i thought she shouldn’t have done what she did. This is a great question for me, even if you mee the love of your life after hes married should you go for him? I felt this wasnt right. Anyway I feel I am like Ginnifer’s character although I thought Jennifer Connelly was cool but I didnt understand why she didnt find her husbands affair so hurtful as the other stuff. There are a lot of things in the movie that you can think deeply with. I felt the guy Goodwin starts dating is a bit fake, I mean how can he suddenly fall for her from the scenes we saw about him. I must say I really liked Jennifer Aniston. I wish I could be as dignified as her. Ok another question here was Ben Affleck’s character genuinely afraid of marriage or was it the way Aniston acted? Apologies for the messy post 🙂

  13.  #13gina on March 17, 2009 at 11:16 am

    I saw the movie the other night – it was such a treat! I identify with Scarlett Johansen. I’m kind of confused about her behavior. They way she was all over the married guy: is that “leaning in.” I tend to be that way with guys I like, and it feels sexy, and it seems to turn the guys on, but I often wind up in confusing situations with men who are sexually into me, but unwilling to commit. Is her behavior (my behavior) inherently wrong, or was it just the wrong guy? Sometimes, when I’m deliberately leaning back, I feel less sexy and passionate, because I am refraining from being “all over a guy” that I’m really attracted to. Is it okay to express myself in that way once the guy has made it clear that he’s willing to commit? Was her mistake that she thought she could convince him of something by giving him sex?

  14.  #14Rori Raye on March 17, 2009 at 10:10 pm

    Gina – Bottom line here – the mistake she made was that he was married. That’s a total NO NO. A man who’s married is not available. Period.

    And yes – being “all over a guy” is leaning in – but the Scarlett character wasn’t doing that. Your job is to “respond” and to not initiate. Think about that, and let me know how that makes sense for you in that character’s makeup that you identify with. Love, Rori