Let Him Take The Lead- And Have The Strength To Follow

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tangoThis is a guest post from Erin Ginkel – she sent me this out of the blue, and I thought it was so terrific, I wanted you to see it…I’ve since got in touch with her – and she really is terrific. She’s a life and relationship coach and you can find her here: www.alwayschallengeunhappiness.net –

Ever since I have started my amazing journey toward becoming a modern siren, I “hear” Rori’s teachings in pretty much everything I read, watch or listen to.erin

I recently watched a movie called “Take The Lead” with Antonio Banderas.This movie is based around a ballroom dance teacher (Mr. Dulaine) who takes it upon himself to start teaching ballroom dance (waltz, tango, foxtrot, etc.) to some inner city troubled teens. He is a very philosophical man and believes dance can be equated to life.

Several quotes in this movie were centered on the trust it takes to “dance” successfully with a partner. I have included a few examples below:

(Mr. Dulaine is trying to teach Rock and LaRhette to dance)
Mr. Dulaine: We are just going to move very simply.Let’s just walk.

(LaRhette takes a strong lead in the dancing and starts pushing Rock back on the floor–completely controlling the dance)Mr. Dulaine: No, no, no LaRhette, the man leads. It is the woman’s job to follow.

LaRhette: Oh, so if he gets to lead, then he’s gonna think he is boss?

Mr. Dulaine: No, but he is not.You see, the man proposes the step.It is the woman’s choice to accept by following. Now, to follow takes as much strength as to lead.

(Mr. Dulaine is teaching LaRhette and Rock how to dance the waltz.)
Mr Dulaine: The Waltz.It cannot be done without trust between partners.

LaRhette: Well, its not gonna happen.

Mr Dulaine: But trust must to be earned.

Rock: Good luck with that….

Mr Dulaine: Alright, I have something here that is going to help.
(Wraps his tie around her eyes so she cannot see)

LaRhette: Don’t put that thing on my eyes!

Mr Dulaine: I asking you to do something VERY courageous.

LaRhette: Besides dance with him?

(Talking to Rock about dancing with a blindfolded LaRhette)
Mr Dulaine: Now Rock, You have the opportunity to use every bit of strength and skill you possess–not to dominate her–but to take her on a journey.It is a lot to ask.
IF and HOW you take the journey–that’s entirely up to you.

(Mr. Dulaine begins to dance with the school principal to illustrate a point to a group of disapproving parents.)
Mr. Dulaine: You see…if she allows me to lead, she is trusting me.But more than that, she is trusting herself.

As I said, these quotes just seemed to jump right out of my television and into my heart. I love the piece about the man not being the “boss” just because he leads but instead it is us who make the choice to follow his lead. In the moment, it can often feel so very weak—to let him lead.It really IS a choice though. We forget that we could simply not dance at all. Technically, we make that choice to dance, to take his hand, to TRUST, from the moment when we very first commit to our men and every day after that.

I do believe choosing to follow does take as much strength as taking the lead.Rori’s “vulnerability equals strength” started repeating in my head as I watched this scene.It takes our courage because we have to actually trust ourselves—we have to LOVE ourselves.I know without a doubt that the ability to trust is DIRECTLY related to the love I have for myself.

We have to know that we are amazing and beautiful and fantastic and him leading doesn’t take anything away from that beauty.It actually adds to it.The fact that we choose to be vulnerable and let him “take us on a journey” makes him absolutely certain that we are the only girl in the room that he will ever want to dance with.



  1.  #1Kat on May 12, 2009 at 9:55 am

    So wonderfully said, and I concur. I see Rori everywhere,and in everything. I have been reading her newsletters for about 8 months now, and getting on this site to see new postings at least a few times a week, and she has changed my life, my marriage, my attitude, my self-esteem, and so much more. This was a beautiful way to say so many of the things that Rori says.

  2.  #2Robin on May 12, 2009 at 10:18 am

    I love love love the part about trusting yourself-

    its more than just letting him lead because he’s the guy-for me that doesn’t cut, b/c I start to worry ‘well what if he steps on my toes, what if he lets me down, hurts me, makes a fool of me…?

    And then I feel tense, and its not until I remind myself that I trust MYSELF that I can relax and let him lead…and if he does hurt me, let me down, if I start to FEEL bad, then I trust myself to not allow that, by either walking away, speaking my truth (or both!)….

    Its just that doing this in the moment feels scary as hell….Im constantly having to remind myself that I trust myself, and if I stop, I start to forget, just like any other thing you study, like singing or dancing, if you don’t use it, you lose it….

    I just love this post-Thank you Rori!

  3.  #3DocK on May 12, 2009 at 11:11 am

    I feel so much passion when I dance – it is when I truly feel in touch with my spirit and that spirit is expressing through me.

    this is why one of my favorite quotes is:

    Why do I dance? Why do I breathe?!

    Also, other quotes come to mind:

    In dance, the man is the frame and the woman is the picture. I put my own interpetation on this as the man supports and surrounds me – but I am the goddess – everything revolves around ME : )

    Another quote:

    Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did only backwards and in high heels. So, just because the man is the one that leads – doesn’t mean the woman’s task is any easier. In fact, dancing (backwards) and letting the man take the lead – is like, leaning back! From reading these posts – we all know that leaning back is much more difficult than we thought – you would think that pursuing, controlling, leaning forward would be the hard part – just the opposite.

    There is so much to learn here. Just as Rori speaking of a different way of walking, dance taught me to relax. As in the post, so many women try to do something that is called, “back-leading.” The woman anticipates and moves too fast or she trys to take control instead of being led. It is the opposite of leaning back. I used to do this in dance and literally taught myself to just breathe, relax and let him take me where he wants me to go – which is usually where I would want to go anyway because it is fluid and beautiful.

    Also, from another dance movie (Shall We Dance) – dance is about trust – you have to trust that your partner will not let you fall – but if you do – he will protect you and shield and brace the fall. In the Japanese version of this movie (the one I prefer) Mai feels that her partner DELIBERATELY did not protect her because he wanted to break up with her.

    Also, in doing lifts – you have to support yourself. You cannot just be “dead weight” or he will DROP YOU! Reminds me of Rori’s program talking about Arnold and Maria when he tells her that he cannot make her happy – she has to make herself happy. Like the Sirens on the island – they sing and play and dance and the men come to them and throw themselves at their feet. We make ourselves happy, pursue our passions, follow our own dreams and the men can come to us because they trust us to support ourselves – they don’t have to do all of the heavy lifting.

    Also – “spotting” when doing a turn. You have to keep your eyes fixated on a spot while your body turns away and then comes back around. Very difficult and, the thing I struggled with most. I feel it’s like being on your bridge and not falling off – no matter what. When you spot – you keep your focus – even if you have to turn away to get back to it.

    From pole dancing I learned to incorporate “feeling.” Just as in ballet where you have adagio (slow) and allegro (quick) we learn to dance and even perform tricks with “fire” or “letting go” or “flying” or “melting” as part of the movement. I would encourage anyone that has interest and comfort level to try a pole class. It has helped so many women to feel comfortable with their sensuality and explore what that means to them.

    We call it your “erotic creature” (EC) and mine is named Aniela – Polish for Angel. You don’t have to give her a name but it is about how there is that deep, erotic part of yourself that may be different from what you show to the world. Think of what turns you on in terms of color, texture, aroma. What songs make you feel angry, sad, happy, silly. What song do you think you would love to dance to and never get tired of it. I keep a journal of the song I choose to dance to in class and how I felt about it. It is very interesting. : )

  4.  #4Nelia on May 12, 2009 at 11:56 am

    I like this post. But I’m not happy with the title. “Let” Him Take the Lead? If we’re “letting” is he really “taking?” Don’t get me wrong, I’m no pushover. Which is why I like a man to be man, whether or not I let him.

  5.  #5Ingrid on May 12, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    I really loved this posting, as I believe what our late Pope John Paul II said, “A man loves, a woman responds”.
    I feel this is so true in love and in relationships, and from what I have read from our dear Rori, this is the case for her as well, i.e., Her man pursued and she followed. I feel if it works the other way around, the relationship is doomed. Well,maybe not. Maybe there will be a time when it’s time for the man to chase/pursue/ IF he wants to keep his family and marriage together, such as is the case with me just now. For the most part, I think the man needs to chase, then the woman respond, all in due time. It’s never too late, I do feel for the man, to chase.
    It’s never too late to learn some new tactics, as in Rori’s e-book, and in all her info. Thank you Rori for passing on your wisdom to all of us. May God Bless You

  6.  #6Daria on May 12, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Nelia… let him I think refers more to US as women, than to what HIM.

    That is he could TAKE the lead, and we could NOT LET him, by actively trying to fight him and take the lead ourselves… instead of choosing to follow.

    By the way I LOVE your blog, It feels so lively and FUN, and I love your cartoons. I will be back to read more soon.

  7.  #7Robin on May 12, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    OH Nelia, yeah I’m with Daria, your blog site is Amazing!! I love the writing style, very refreshing!

  8.  #8Linda on May 12, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    I love this post and love the movie. The characters were all about what others thought of them. Not being themselves….

    There comes a time in our lives when we should stop representing ourselves and just be who we are… I have reached that point in life. Relax and be me.

    Trust is so important… trust yourself first and then trusting another will follow…. There are men and women who are so unauthentic in life.. always representing themselves or some image the have of them….

    THere will be a man who will come into my life and take the lead. I will trust him because I am confident in who I am… mutual respect will guide our steps and the hope of our destination will becon us toward the goal

    I love this movie and the message!… watch it again for the first time… the message is awesome.

    Great post. Linda

  9.  #9Nelia on May 12, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    Daria : Point well taken. I do feel that the language could be read as a bit patronizing. However, I certainly agree with your take and understand our tendency to hijack the lead as well as not appreciate the gumption required to follow.

    Not that I ever hijack. I wouldn’t know the first thing about hijacking. Nope. Not me.

    Daria and Robin : Thank you! Hank and I are just getting started and we are having a blast. Rori’s fabulous blog inspired us to take the leap!

  10.  #10ann on May 12, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    checking blog from mobile in waiting room

  11.  #11searchingwithin on May 12, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    I have spent my entire life trying to convince, and prove to both myself and the World that I did not need anybody. I was always missing something, and that was my feminine grace. Now I am having a hard time leaning back, and finding it. Just baby steps, I guess. I just wish I had found, or held onto it from the start.

    The dancing metaphor is so true. An ex and I both loved to dance, and when we danced, it always drew a crowd of onlookers. When the relationship started falling apart, we could no longer dance well together. One night we were having a particularly had time, and he would shake my arm, and tell me to relax. Later he accused me of leading, then he finally comments, “I know what your doing, your doing your own thing.” I was following, I wasn’t leader, I had already set out on my own, going my own way.

  12.  #12searchingwithin on May 12, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    Woops, last line correction. I wasn’t following, I wasn’t leading, I had already set out on my own, going my own way.

  13.  #13Robin on May 12, 2009 at 6:44 pm

    Nelia, Thank You for the lovely compliment!!!! 🙂

    Congratulations on the start of an incredible blog!

  14.  #14Tina on May 12, 2009 at 9:07 pm


    Great article, I dont know where to start. First off, My “boyfriend” cant dance. He says this ” I dont dance” he did dance with me once earlier on in our relationship. He lead me around in a circle, awkward but nonetheless we waltzed. I remember the feeling of being in elementary school, disco ball and all. He can dance. I do believe everyone has the ability. Some do so effortlessly and with much grace, with practice of course. Some not true, I am no exception.

    I feel angry he cant/wont dance. I feel anger at my impatience. I start to think/feel critically of myself/him.
    I remember at some point in our relationship I told him to “man the f*** up!” This is not Siren like behavior, I have come to understand. I believe what I was feeling was my insecurity about our relationship. I wanted him to “take the lead.”

    He provokes a feeling deep sadness in my heart when I am not resisting and able to feel. Is this a clear indication that our dance has ended?. Other times I feel happy and wonderful in his presence. I am curious to know if that is the time he is taking the lead/maning up?. I eventually will want to dance again…

    anyhow, I am taking the opprotunity to go out dancing this saturday night with some girlfriends. We do the circle/hundling together dance but this eventually gets boring. Which reminds of an episode of dancing on my karaoke night out , dancing to bad singers is great for morale btw. I was approached by a “geeky guy” he wore white sneakers, waist high 80’s type jeans , with a big buckle around his waist holding up his pants. He asked me if I would like to dance, I hesitated but said yes. He said , “dont follow me, just take my hands and dance and smile. I couldnt help but look at his feet, he proceeded to do this type of hopping from side to side. I smiled of course and danced right along with him, trying to follow his lead, while he was holding my hands. I instinctively wanted to break and and bust a move on him lol ( I do also have belly dance experiance) then I thought oh that would be to much Tina, I didnt want him to pass out on the dance floor. The dance ended, he said thank you and we parted ways.

    I will go out dancing with my friends as planned. I cant help but feel guilty for doing so. I am actually considering my “boyfriends” feelings in all of this however I also feel giddy and happy knowing what I learned from this site. Just the knowing and feeling I can do this makes me feel excited about this weekend. I will be wearing heels lol, not my boots or boots with heels lol. Thank you Rori for being our Mrs, Dulaine.


  15.  #15Tina on May 12, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    Oh one last thing, I practiced this couple waltz with my imaginary partner. The moves felt good, effortless, simple yet elegant. I learned my part in the waltz. My thoughts/feelings that I have practiced this dance alone, disturbs me lol. Is this another indication of the state of affairs of our relationship. Is it UnSiren like behaviour to teach these steps to my “boyfriend? ” or should I bother?. I know the answer will come quickly , as per Rori.

  16.  #16Daria on May 12, 2009 at 10:53 pm

    You guys I feel like I almost died today.

    I felt hela sick and then tried to walk to the bathroom and passed out… then woke up got to the door to get some air and drank some water and I felt better.

    My head felt VERY hot and my vision was pulsing… colors were changing, I felt like I Was watching an old TV screen…

    I’ve never felt this way before,,, I only had one drink awhile before…

    I feel worried and also I am intuitively wondering if I was poisoned… I know it sounds far fetched but I am serious… it felt like I was intoxicated off some substance for about 10 minutes… maybe someone spiked my drink?

    I don’t know and no one I talked to heard of a feeling quite like what I felt…

    panic attack? I don’t know…

    I feel fine now thank goodness… just a lil worried… and enormously relieved and glad to be alive…

    I prayed to God oh no… I want to Live… It felt like my head was so hot… if it got any hotter, I don’t think I would make it… I passed out… then got up and went to the door…

    felt better, tried to come back in and my head felt HOT between my ears again, and my knees went weak again…

    then I was all covered with a layer of sweat… on my face and body…

    maybe I had a really bad hotflash??

    I mean I am way too young… I don’t know what happened to me…

    I still feel relieved… I don’t want to keep worrying about it… now every squeeze in my head I Feel a little suspcious of…

    whew… thank you God for giving me a second chance… I Felt so glad to get that Air and some Water…
    and for it to be OVer

    I feel so glad

  17.  #17Daria on May 12, 2009 at 11:05 pm

    Now I’m wondering even more what it was.

    Because I’m realizing I feel like my posture is Great… and my spine feels fluid and clear. And my body feels energized… my lower back isn’t aching like it was all day…

    was that debilitating “hot flash” releasing something in my spine…

    that would be way greater than having some disease…

    I felt like I was having a seizure… I Was just falling in slow motion and jerking from side to side I felt like…

    but I didn’t totally fall down and jerk completely unconciously and violently like someone who’s having a seizure…

    I just felt my kneez week, felt jerking and fell, slowly, actually got donw, my top of my head felt HARD like it does right now and like it does sometimes I’m having some FEELINGS… and I lay down for a second I was passing out…

    Now I feel so energized… that feels unusual because I felt kind of tired before… did something “pop” and release energy in me?

    Maybe I was having a psychic attack… it felt like someone had taken over my body and basically knocked me down…

    what in the world… was going on?

    and how come I feel all good now… is it just happiness at being alive…? my neck and back feel all straight now… I don’t feel traumatized… I feel like I’ve been working out or soemthing…

  18.  #18Robin on May 13, 2009 at 7:04 am

    Daria, I feel glad that you feel better, but I also feel concerned, I would feel like going to the doctor, just to be on the safe side-I’m so sorry that happened to you-but am glad you are OK 🙂

  19.  #19Desiree on May 13, 2009 at 9:12 am

    I feel triggered. The contraction of “you are” is “you’re” and sounds like the first syllable in “urine.” The second person possessive is “your” and rhymes with “more.” English is just as beautiful of a language as French or Italian, but many do not realize it since we butcher it so regularly.

    Now back to the issue at hand – letting him take the lead. I felt so good when reading this post. I like to run things, but listening to Rori’s advice and learning to love my feelings has taught me that I like HIM running things even more. His way of getting things done is different from mine, but it WORKS. It took me so long to realize that and be comfortable with it.
    I have waltzed with a great dancer, and when a man like that is taking the lead, the dance feels effortless. You’re still doing all the steps and turns, but it all flows naturally when the man is leading. So any time I’m worried about what I’ll say or do next in the relationship, I know it’s because I’m trying to lead. And as soon as I toughen my resolve to trust, the relationship is easy for me again and my concern can go back to other parts of my life that need my attention.

  20.  #20Linmayu on May 13, 2009 at 11:16 am

    Desiree, that was the most graceful grammatical correction I’ve ever heard. xD

    I wish I could speak English in a way that makes it sound beautiful. It’s hard, I’m so used to lazy teenage speech, and now that I have to do a lot of speaking in front of people at work I feel embarrassed all the time.

  21.  #21Tracy on May 13, 2009 at 11:57 am

    I love this post….it would feel great to have a man take the lead in my lovelife…I feel that in the past i have always wanted to control and lead the way…i felt distrust towards people….It would feel great to learn to let go and let someone else lead the way…

  22.  #22BabyGirl on May 13, 2009 at 12:55 pm


    I stumbled across your site after a breakup with my boyfriend. I am new to bloging but hope that you can help me. I sent this in an email but not sure if you got it so i’ll reitterate a bit of it here…

    I met this guy online in an online gaming sites. We really hit it off. He was kind, attentive, charming, sexy, funny and a true player. Yes, I have found myself to be totally attracted to players!! I’m not sure if I’m ashamed to it admit that either! Well anyway, we “met” at the end of January of this year. He lives in MO and I live in NC. He is 9 years, my senior! We’ve both been married before and each have two children. Although we have never met in person, we have exchanged pics and know what each other look like. We have texted, emailed and phone each other outsdie of the game for the past 2 months now. Because we connected on so many levels, with so many things in common, we wanted to take things slow so that we could build something lasting.

    Within the past three weeks to a month, i could tell that the dynamics of our “relationsip” was changing! We went from 14 hours conversation, to hitting and missing on text and phone calls. I knew that one think that he metioned from the begining was how important his time was to him. I understood that to mean that he liked spending time with me via text, phone calls etc, etc, but that when he had plans to undwind, whether it be to go have a drink with friends after work or have the guys over for a cards night in, or even to have a few people over for a movie, that his time was his way to relax. I got that but man, I became so insecure, needy, and uptight about this that it clouded my rational thinking. I knew I was transforming into a woman that was unhappy and not the woman that he met in the gaming room, but I didn’t know how to stop myself! As time whent on, things got worse until last Wednesday he dupmed me. I was so hurt! I mean, I almost feel stupid that I got so attached to a man I’ve never met in real life (there were plans for me to go to MO in 6 to 9 months.) But he got into my heart and I WANT HIM BACK!!!

  23.  #23BabyGirl on May 13, 2009 at 1:17 pm


    (OK, this stinks, my computer kicked me off and now I’m rewriting this cause I didn’t finish sharing my thoughts and because I’m not sure if this was sent. Please forgive me if this shows up twice!!)

    I stumbled across your site after a breakup with my boyfriend. I am new to bloging but hope that you can help me. I sent this in an email but not sure if you got it so I’ll reiterate a bit of it here…

    I met this guy online in an online gaming sites. We really hit it off. He was kind, attentive, charming, sexy, funny and a true player. Yes, I have found myself to be totally attracted to players!! I’m not sure if I’m ashamed to it admit that either! Well anyway, we “met” at the end of January of this year. He lives in MO and I live in NC. He is 9 years, my senior! We’ve both been married before and each have two children. Although we have never met in person, we have exchanged pics and know what each other look like. We have texted, emailed and phone each other outside of the game for the past 2 months now. Because we connected on so many levels, with so many things in common, we wanted to take things slow so that we could build something lasting.

    Within the past three weeks to a month, i could tell that the dynamics of our “relationship” was changing! We went from 14 hours conversation, to hitting and missing on text and phone calls. I knew that one thing that he mentioned from the beginning was how important his time was to him. I understood that to mean that he liked spending time with me via text, phone calls etc, etc, but that when he had plans to unwind, whether it be to go have a drink with friends after work or have the guys over for a cards night in, or even to have a few people over for a movie, that his time was his way to relax. I got that but man, I became so insecure, needy, and uptight about this that it clouded my rational thinking. I knew I was transforming into a woman that was unhappy and not the woman that he met in the gaming room, but I didn’t know how to stop myself! As time went on, things got worse until last Wednesday he dumped me. I was so hurt! I mean, I almost feel stupid that I got so attached to a man I’ve never met in real life (there were plans for me to go to MO in 6 to 9 months,) but he got into my heart and I WANT HIM BACK!!!

    So because I know that I am not easily forgotten, I knew that he would contact me again and He did, on Mother’s Day. Then again on this past Monday asking how my Mother’s Day was. Oh, I need to tell you though, that when we broke up, he wanted to “talk about it.” I simply sent him this text, “U told me what you want and what you don’t want! I’ve told you how I feel and how long it took for me to admit that to you (meaning I told him that I love him.) But I am not going to cry, nor will I beg you to stay. So go do what you’ve got to do!” I left it at that.

    I’ve ordered your “Modern Siren” tools and it just arrived today! I am looking forward to learning them and using them to grow myself from the inside out! I just wanted to know if, these tools are also applicable to online dating and if they will work in the virtual world as well? No, I’m not asking if the tools will help me get him back but what I am asking, is when he contacts me again, and I know that he will, will these tools be effective in a way for him to see the difference in me as I see them in myself? Any feedback you can give me would be great!

  24.  #24Daria on May 13, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    I’m feeling triggered and right now reserve the right to mispell to my heart’s desire.

    I believe language creativity and flexibility which extends to spelling does not harm the beauty of the language but rather enhances it. In fact to me it’s one of English’s best qualities that it supports such flexibility and so many dialects.

    Sum ppl spell like dis and I feel interested in dat.

    That being said, I do understand how sometimes grammar rules can be a pet peeve… I teach grammar.

    I feel compassion, just making sure I clear up right now that I don’t intend to spell correctly on this blog.

  25.  #25Liz on May 13, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    I feel excited as I have met a great guy recently online as I was trying to get the hang of circular dating and accepting lots of dates (well, for me anyways). We’ve now been out about half a dozen times over the last month and are in communication someway on a daily basis now. The reason I’m posting this is because I’ve been fascinated by how this all has played out under Rori’s tutelage….I’ve really been trying to lean back during this circular dating experiment and see which guy steps up, or leads as described in this post. And sure enough, Rori and Erin and fellow Sirens, while most guys weren’t stepping up in a way that was feeling good and fun to me this guy has and I’ve reallly let him take the lead. That includes having him initiate contact/dates, drive to me, and pay for all our dates…and this last one of him paying all the time (and not cheap dates either) has definitely been uncomfortable for me and I feel a bit guilty not contributing to our dating in a monetary way. But, I’ve been consciously trying to lean back and letting him lead and it’s so interesting and cool to see a guy respond by wanting to step up to be with me. And, I definitely feel its taken strength/courage on my part to lean back, follow him and his lead. But, it’s almost been textbook Rori approach (i try on the feeling msgs as best i can with him, still working on that). And, this whole new approach is actually being to feel okay.

    The result now is that I’m enjoying my time with him so much (in part bc things are in a slow but definitely sense of forward movement) that I’m slacking off on the rest of the circular dating equation. Bad Siren! 😉 And, I feel nervous about this bc I’m a 38 yr old former “serial monogomist” and that’s what’s felt comfortable in the past but i don’t know that I want to return to that pattern as in theory I’d like to give Rori’s circular dating concept more of a go. I need to get my focus on this…as I’m also feeling nervous about the possibility/circumstances of now dating one guy I really like and also circular dating others. I’m feel like a poster child right now for Targetting Mr. Right and I really should check it out to figure out more of the how to’s of this approach so I feel more comfortable about how to address and deal with things I can envision coming down the pike if things continue at a nice pace with this chap. It’s fun and I hope other Sirens get to experience the thrill of having the fruits of our work here on this blog play out.

  26.  #26Ingrid on May 13, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    I love this topic, because I look at the whole “dance” thing, as the dance of life really. The beautiful magnificent dance between a man and a woman, their interaction, their eye contact, their feelings and touch, etc. As Liz said: .”I’ve really been trying to lean back during this circular dating experiment and see which guy steps up, or leads as described in this post.” Liz: I’m doing the same thing, regarding my husband of 20 years who I’m currently separated from. He knows what is necessary for our relationship right now, I’m learning and trying to develop my “siren”womanliness and wait for him to take the lead and step up. If he won’t, I guess that’s my answer right there, right Rori?

  27.  #27Daria on May 13, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    Im feeling sad.

    I guess this guy who’s having a baby doesn’t even want to be my friend enough to call me.

    I trusted him So Much.

    I feel so sad. I feel Scared! I feel like I’m losing an important Ally and Protector. ummm. I may just be triggered…

    I loved the way he loved me, and how I felt aknowledged and how he would speak well about me to other people.

    I feel partly like he is doing this to make me feel bad for not calling me…

    I feel like calling him and letting him know I still care about him, and that I am leaning back right now to take care of myself…

    But at the same time he hasn’t called me…

    I guess if I haven’t been calling him he thinks that should mean our friendship is over…

    I thought we’d be friends forever… I like having friendships forever…

    This feels bad. I feel sad. I am being triggered and it’s hard to figure out What is under all this…

    maybe I don’t have to…

    I’ll just sink into these feelings… or try some EFT…

    I’ve been feeling bad all day, even went back to sleep for another 3 hours…

    I feel sad sad sad…

    I feel like i’m being left behind again…

    I feel like I’m being left alone, with everyone to laugh at me… this sounds like a trigger from school or something

    That’s what it feels like… it feels like oh no and tightness in my shoulder, and dropped face, and heavy body, and pit of my stomach feeling…

    I love my feelings…

    Why does everyone betray me…

    These are just beliefs I am having maybe subconciously…

    I want to feel good and happy and loved. I am here for myself and that feels reassuring…

    I remember being left out while other kids played.

    Or maybe when I thought this girl was my best friend I overheard her laughing about it with someone else…

    I don’t know what to call that feeling… it feels like shock, sadness, going like a heaviness down my arms… maybe it’s fury that I’m trying to shut down

    I feel tired… maybe I’ll sleep again?

    Maybe I just feel so Angry and I’m out of touch with that feeling… in this context.

  28.  #28Daria on May 13, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    When I feel betrayed or attacked by someone I feel this feeling… and don’t really feel anger until later.

    I think I put my anger “on chill.” I don’t want to do that. I want to safely feel my anger.

    I feel furious at being treated like someone that can be left behind.

    I feel horrible and sad too.

    I feel SO FURIOUS. And I feel sad at feeling this way.

    I’m not really sure… I feel tight in my jaw… I love my tightness…

    I feel sleepy… that means I’m trying to hold back my emotions…
    i could watch my harry potter movie

  29.  #29Daria on May 13, 2009 at 5:10 pm

    I just meditated… sank into my feelings… I had a lot of anxiety…in different places it in my body… and I embraced it.

    I feel so much better.

  30.  #30Daria on May 13, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    On another note… here are some notes from a disgruntled online dating man that has called me once or twice:

    Him: I know you don’t call men, i also see you can’t even say hi in a e-mail. It’s all good tho!!!!

    Me: hmm I just woke up from a nap and I’m feeling kinda in a bad mood right now… I feel surprised to hear from you right now… I noticed I didn’t get anymore calls from you either… I didn’t really feel happy about it…

    Him: Hey, you got my number too. I told you I’m not going to be the 1 to call you all the time. I know that’s what your use to, guys chasing you. But not me, I don’t get down like that.

    Me: I don’t feel happy with that… that feels like I have to chase you which feels bad to me…

    Him: I have to call you, but if you call me you feel like your chasing me? You know what, forget about it then, you don’t have to call and i don’t either. Have a good 1!!!!!

    Me: ok papi… thank you…


    I’m not sure what I’m thanking him for. I guess for being so clear and yet respectful. I just felt like saying thank you…

    Is this well handled? Is he just having his own issues to deal with and I’m helping him this way?

    Or is there a way to attract him and assuage his calling issues?

  31.  #31Rori Raye on May 13, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    Baby Girl, Welcome, and so sorry for your pain. Yes, Siren will help you get more settled into yourself so you don’t get all “gone” over any man. 14 hour conversations – that has to stop – please, don’t ever go more than 15 minutes – okay, 30 tops. What’s to motivate a man to get to you forever if you give him everything you’ve got – anytime? Long distance sucks. Please – learn to Circular Date and not get humg up on any one man. Love, Rori

  32.  #32Rori Raye on May 13, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    Kat, Oh, my gosh, thank you for the beautiful comment, and welcome – look forward to your voice here. Love, Rori

  33.  #33Rori Raye on May 13, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    Daria, I like the Harry Potter idea…look – trauma resolution and grief is stored energy. It shows up. It throws you off. It creates INTENSITY. See what happens if you lower the intensity level on everything. Just try it. Acknowledge your feelings, and see if you can riff them out to channeling even faster. Your stored stuff is leading you to depend on people who are not dependable in the way you want them to be. Just keep practicing leaning on yourself and believing that all is well. Love, Rori

  34.  #34Daria on May 13, 2009 at 8:38 pm

    Rori – Thank you… I never got to Harry Potter hehe…

    I DID remember meditating…

    It felt wonderful… I could feel all the buzzing anxiety in my body…

    yesterday I was reading this book recommended by Mama Gena called Extended Massive Orgasm. The title feels “ick” to me, but the contents are wonderful, and not really about orgasm as about attention and feeling.

    Anyways I was able to Feel what my vagina felt like when I was sitting on this chair… that is putting my attention on it… and I actually got that thing you say about “expand your vagina sideways”

    So today meditating I was able to really feel my body not just my head… and I talked to all the parts feeling tight and used the idea of Engulfing them with joy and love… and ebracing them… it really melted me out in a good way… the anxiety cleared… and then I did even more sinking in and self-hypnosis and telling myself I am wonderful and all men are attracted to me and want to please me. All of this worked.

    So I really have been feeling great since then.

    I feel glad I can depend on me to make me feel well this way. It’s amazing how fast this “cleared.”

    I feel like I am really getting in tune with my body and able to depend on myself.

    After all, what I heard about the guy who’s having a baby is just something I heard, it doesn’t really change anything that’s been going on so far.

    I am glad I am able to embrace this stuff.

  35.  #35Erin Ginkel on May 13, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    Oh…I feel so amazed and blessed right now. Thank you for each and every comment on my post. I am reading all of them just soaking in all the wisdom that is out there. I love all your insights!

    A couple that jumped out at me:

    What a true statement about “What if he steps on my toes?” I just loved that and how it pertains to the trust we need to really be intimate with a man.

    Your whole post just made me smile. My favorite part had to be Ginger dancing backwards (leaning back) and in HIGH HEELS–no less!

    ” A man loves, A woman responds” That one is going on my “favorite quotes” page of my website. Love it!

    Your comments were so heartfelt…”there will be a man who will come into my life and take the lead” What an amazing intention to set! I believe I set close to same one. I felt so touched by you writing that.

    I loved the fact that you had a real life analogy on dancing! How powerful! I felt drawn to your words as I read that piece.

    Positive vibes to all!

  36.  #36Tracy on May 14, 2009 at 6:23 am

    I am so glad you are making progress and getting in touch with your feelings.Very Inspiring….I feel encouraged by your progress.I also feel sad and frustrated when the nasty voices are loading on me and i am working on depending on me….as you put it…to make myself feel better!……



  37.  #37gina on May 14, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    I was a ballroom dance instructor for a while and was always interested in the ways that dance symbolized male female relationships. Once the lead/follow dynamic is established, each dance shapes the journey. Swing dancing is super fun, cha cha is flirtatious, salsa is sexy, rumba is slow and sensuous, waltz is formal and refined, tango is passionate, foxtrot is lighthearted casual (almost friendly). I feel interested in the way that contemporary “booty dancing” is missing the lead/follow component, and is more primal and sexual than ballroom – kind of how the dating scene feels when I choose to “dance” without a caring partner leading the way.

  38.  #38gina on May 14, 2009 at 5:41 pm

    Also, the lead/follow dynamic is established through “connection.” Connection is the woman’s job. The man provides a steady frame, and the woman connects to it so that she can feel where he is leading her. I think that this “frame” that a man provides parallels the respect he conveys to a woman, and the self discipline he exercises so that the woman can trust him in a relationship. The man I am seeing who is “claiming me” doesn’t have a strong enough frame for me to feel comfortable connecting. That’s why I don’t want to “ballroom dance” with him right now. We’ve booty danced some – but isn’t all that fun, really – I’d rather be swept off my feet.

  39.  #39Daria on May 14, 2009 at 9:34 pm

    I am a big Sensual fan of “booty dance.” Hehe… I feel amused by the term.

    While I can’t exactly logically describe the technicalities of this dance… I can REALLY FEEL THE ENERGY.

    When I dance with a partner that doesn’t know how to dance… it simply doesn’t feel good. I am pushed off balance, off rhythm, and I have to focus very hard on even keeping my own self dancing, let alone dancing With him.

    When I have a partner that Knows what he’s doing… that’s when the magic comes in. It’s like an energy comes over us. My body relaxes, my pelvis expands, and my body becomes 100 times more fluid. Our bodies naturally keep the rhythm… I feel so GOOD and ENERGIZED!!! And I feel completely “got” by him. This is when I feel supported and able to Express myself dancing… I can change the pace, do a flirtatious move, slow it down… whatever I want. I know that our bodies will naturally be in sync. In fact, our bodies do not even have to touch for this to happen… It’s like we are tapping into and sharing the same energy. It is obvious and energizing to us and to everyone around us. My body feels So good… and becomes capable of MUCH MORE flexibility and rhythm than I was able to achieve dancing alone… even though I am a pretty accomplished bellydancer. In fact something I strive for is to find and use this energy on my own. The joy of sharing it with a Man… wow it feels so sexy and wonderful!

    I feel kind of marginalized when people say that “booty” dancing is not good dancing… etc…

    When both partners know how to dance it feels energizing and amazing to me.

  40.  #40Daria on May 14, 2009 at 9:40 pm

    PS I agree with Gina about the man setting the frame and the woman connecting…

    I can definitely feel my body naturally Connecting to the energy, and feel grounded by his…

    I definitely feel swept off my feet! Sometimes literally! I love the feeling abadoning myself to the rhythm.. and yet having the control to change… challenge… flirt…

    omgosh I want to go dancing NOW!!! hehehe

    This is SO different when a guy doesn’t know how to dance! Then it feels like getting bumped and thrown around! ICk!!!

    I wish I knew more how to teach guys how to dance… one thing I practiced last week is continuing to lean back on my heels… even when the guy was behind me… that way he had to accomodate me and give me enough space (he was somewhat of a perceptive partner), instead of allowing myself to get pushed forward off balance.

    the difference between dancing with a good partner and a bad one is like the difference between OH my god and Blah… it is huge!

    Even a sort of good partner is just not enough to give me that Connection… where my body expands and becomes the rhythm… the Man really has to know how to lead.

  41.  #41BabyGirl on May 14, 2009 at 9:55 pm


    Thanks for taking the time to get back with me! I have started the Modern Siren Tools! I feel like I am drinking in all of the advice that you give on them. I have listened to all six cd’s at least twice since Wednesday! I will continue to listen to them until the tools become second nature to me! I’ve been using the feeling exercise with some of the male acquaintances in my life, and I have found that they really do work! Today I tired them and when I did, I found out the guy was so interested in what i was feeling, I could almost feel him leaning in to hear, feel, see what I was experiencing! It was great!!! I look forward to using them all the time! I’ll let you know how that and the other tools change my love life, love vibe, love future!


  42.  #42BabyGirl on May 14, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    P.S. I won’t spend that much time on the phone anymore with my male friend.

    Thanks for the advice!

  43.  #43Linmayu on May 14, 2009 at 10:38 pm

    Booty dancing is something I always admire and envy. It feels so sexy and free, and I don’t know how to do it.

    I feel OLD. My wardrobe isn’t cutting it anymore. My wardrobe can do attractive and my wardrobe can do professional, but it can’t do both at the same time. I’ve recently gotten a raise, and will be doing even MORE hours starting next week, so new clothes are definitely in order. I can’t wait to start that process.

    Back to the subject, I feel old and stupid-looking even thinking about booty dancing. I don’t have sexy club wear, or free time. I’ve been telling myself to get out there for a year now.

    I’m a 20+ year veteran of dance but all the dancing I’ve done has been 100% woman focused; in my ballet/bellydance/modern dance/tap/jazz life, men rarely if ever ventured in. When they did, they were guys we literally brought in off the street, completely untrained. In order for the show to go on, we had to work with them and teach them and be 200% on top of OUR game so we could cover for them. With me being short, I usually ended up with the weakest partner, and with me being “heavy” (at 110 lbs) I had to put in 300% to get off the ground.

    In other words, I was trained in Overfunctioning like a mofo lol.

    Geez. No wonder I don’t trust men to lead. I’ve got to get myself into some ballroom dance classes.

  44.  #44heartbeat on May 14, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    My mother is 72 and loves disco dancing. She goes at least once a week, and not to a class – to a club. My father is 83 and goes 2-3 times a week to waltz, foxtrot etc like the old dancehalls kind of thing. They never could dance together – and that makes me chuckle now.

    Dance/trance came in around my fortieth birthday, and I loved it – clubbed my way through my late 30s/mid forties! It felt totally free and transforming.

    Oh gosh I just feel like dancing right now reading all the comments! 🙂 What amazing sirens – thank you, I feel so inspired (oh yeah – before I get carried away with my solitary dancing- I get the connection with relationships too!). xxxxxxx

  45.  #45heartbeat on May 14, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    Maybe that’s it – I automatically think of my own dance – need to remember to dance together….

    I felt so free in reggae/dance clubs at art school, I could be whoever I wanted dancing, no-one judged – not like the ‘meat-markets’ I’d been used to in my teens. Yeah, this has been a very interesting post…

    So… I’m bringing the two together, yes? Yes.

  46.  #46gina on May 15, 2009 at 1:50 am

    I agree that booty dancing can be feel great – the connection can be an energetic connection – even if there is no physical frame. I feel bad that I sounded critical of booty dancing. I was just noticing that dance styles reflect societies contemporary courtship practices. And also just different aspects of relationships. I think booty dancing is intuitive – it can feel liberating, sexy, and fun. Because I’m not putting myself in someone’s arms, the connection can feel super deeply sexual and sensual, but anonymous in a way because there isn’t the physical risk, and there isn’t usually a leader. I associate booty dancing with being single, having independent fun with lots of different guys. When I said I’d rather be swept off my feet, I meant that I’d rather ballroom dance because I associate more disciplined partner dancing with relationships (not as a judgment of booty dancing). I’m enjoying being single, but I feel frustrated that i never quite want to take the risk and really follow a guy in a relationship.
    With the specific guy I referred to, He’s offering to waltz – says he wants to sweep me off my feet – but i’m like, hmmm…let’s keep practicing on our own for a bit. Cause I feel nervous about my feet, and cause I feel pressure to become his permanent dance partner – I want a graceful and balanced partner. I feel frustrated.

  47.  #47DocK on May 15, 2009 at 5:45 am

    I love dance – all kinds. I had a BF years ago that taught ballroom and latin dance and I felt so romantic and beautiful and sexy dancing with him.

    “Booty” dancing I always just called street dancing and love it too – what I don’t like is this thing the young guys do where they get behind me and and I can feel them up against my behind – too familiar if it’s just some guy at a club that asked me to dance.

    Living near NYC – I see people of all ages taking all types of dance classes – lyrical, hip hop, tap, ballroom – everything! I am one of the oldest in my pole dance class but I can do tricks that women half my age can’t because of my years of weight training. It’s fun to have them ask me why I’m so strong and feel at least a little bit like a role model that women can be strong, sexy and sensual at any age.

    My sister, who trained in dance her whole life, was perplexed at the pole dancing. She aksed, “where are you going to do that other than the studio?” and I just said, ‘it’s for me. Where are women going to do jazz or lyrical that are starting at an older age – you don’t do that at clubs either!’

    I feel like dance is a lot like singing – we used to sing just to celebrate everything and didn’t worry about whether or not we were “good” at it. Dance should be the same. I don’t even care if a guy is a good dancer or not – I’m just thrilled when he is willing to do it at all.

  48.  #48Ingrid on May 15, 2009 at 9:06 am

    One thing that concerns me a bit, is Rori’s advice on “whatever makes us feel good”, etc.

    I feel much about love, something which has not been mentioned too much on this site, is committment. I look at I Cor. 13 as my example for it. Love is not only about ourselves, and what makes us “feel good”. Particularly when we are married. It is, IMO, about the committment aspect too.

  49.  #49gina on May 15, 2009 at 9:59 am

    I understood “following” to mean commitment.

  50.  #50Linmayu on May 15, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    Ingrid, I feel interested in your insight and faith. I feel many of the same concerns. I hope you will continue to comment.

  51.  #51Ann on May 15, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    I Love this blog and the community of woman here. As I’ve said before I feel perspection is the key to alot of things. Rori is a relationship coach. Now some percieve that to be she teaches about a man/woman relationships. But I percieve her as a coach, mentor who teaches me to be the best I can in All MY RELATIONSHIPS(oops sorry about the caps) including my relationship with myself. If I’m not the best I can be for me in any given moment then I won’t be the best I can be for anyone else either. If I’m not committed to taking care of me first how can I committ to help, support or encourage anyone else, including my partner?

    If I do something because I think that will please others even tho I don’t feel like doing it, that opens the door of my heart WIDE open for resentment, hurt, anger, depression etc…

    I’ve made a comittment to improve my self esteem, confidence, become more feminine, to take care of me first. For me but also so I’ll be the best I can be for all the other people in my life I have a comittment to.

    I thank you Rori and all the ladies here as we share, learn and support each other.

  52.  #52heartbeat on May 15, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    Oh Ann I feel such passion and accord reading your comment! I agree totally – and I tell my girlfriends about Rori too. xxxxx

  53.  #53heartbeat on May 15, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    Linmayu have you read Marianne Williamson? I felt so amazed a few days ago when a few sirens were discussing faith – I was feeling drawn to read some books, one by her and a couple by Eckhart Tolle – feeling a need to explore my spiritual side following a few unexpected and thrilling bits of sunchronicity – so having ablog break – and here you all were discussing the very thing! Marianne comes from a Christian background, which colours her perspective, but her words fill me with joy and understanding – no punishing masculine, but grace and simplicity. The book I read was Everyday Grace – I feel so enthusiastic I just have to recommend it! It helped me in my relationship too. xxxxxx

  54.  #54Erin Ginkel on May 15, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    I too, really liked Ingrid’s comments. I completely agree with the fact that Love shoudn’t be about what makes us “feel good” necessarily. But that depends on what you classify “feel good” as.

    My personal opinion is if I am looking for someone else to make me feel good, then I will come up short. I need to go straight within to find it. I think the love I feel for someone else can only be pure (not based on co-dependency) when I truly have gone inside and cherished myself. The cherishing is what I equate to doing what “feels good”. To Rori’s point, too often we neglect ourselves and do it all for others…when cherishing ourselves is the only way to have really be able to have a true committment. To committ–You have to let go and take a risk. To do that, is where I believe you have to appreciate and love from inside–i.e. Trust Yourself.
    That amazing love feeling comes and you will know you are truly committed when you don’t really “need” them to provide your happiness at all. When you find it all in yourself. Even when they are physically gone or are not behaving the way you would like them to, you still feel that love for them and everything else around you. Because it is not really about the other person. It is the love you feel in your heart for who you are…for nature…for life…just being appreciative that you are you.

    That is when…in my opinion…you can feel true love…not just with him…but for every single relationship (Ann’s comment 🙂 in your life.

  55.  #55Ann on May 15, 2009 at 3:58 pm

    Hi heartbeat I always enjoy hearing from you. I am quite passionate on my healing journey. And I feel this blog community is a big help to me as I try to be to others here.

  56.  #56heartbeat on May 15, 2009 at 3:58 pm

    Dancing Queens – Daria, Gina, DocK, Linda, Robin, Groovy Nelia, Erin, Rori and everyone – bedtime for me, sometimes the time zone difference frustrates me! Goodnight all, have a flowing, shimmerin & a-shakin weekend. I’m going Five Rhythms dancing on Monday – you’ve all inspired me!! 🙂

  57.  #57Ann on May 15, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    Hi Erin alot has been going on here so can’t remember if I told you but i LOVED!!!! this post. I hope you’ll share some more with us. I have to find this movie too:)

  58.  #58heartbeat on May 15, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    Thank you Ann – I feel passionate on my journey too – I feel like I’m travelling with you at this moment xxxx

  59.  #59Ann on May 15, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    Heartbeat as a email buddy of mine says ” sweet dreams” Look forward to chatting with you again.

  60.  #60heartbeat on May 15, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    Erin I love your last comment, I feel uplifted. Love permeates everything when I choose not to dwell on old stories. It feels like a great gift to all those close to me when I am truly connected to what feels creative rather than addictive. Thank you. xxxx

    (I’ll never get to bed at this rate – ha!)

  61.  #61heartbeat on May 15, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    Sweet dreams, Ann! I have my little nightcap on now 🙂

    only I’m wide awake and feel excited, like there’s a really good party going on….

  62.  #62Ann on May 15, 2009 at 4:12 pm

    LOL Heartbeat don’t you can’t to leave the party 🙂

  63.  #63Ann on May 15, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    BOY typos… was supposed to say Heartbeat don’t you hate to leave the party lol

  64.  #64heartbeat on May 15, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    you can dance…you can jive…havin the time of your life, YEAH YEAH! …dancing queens… 😉 😉

  65.  #65heartbeat on May 15, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    I hate leaving parties… feels like being sent to bed early with no supper. So – hell – I’m still here in my groovy nightie! 🙂

  66.  #66Ann on May 15, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    I haven’t danced in sooooo long don’t know if I’d remember how 🙁

  67.  #67heartbeat on May 15, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Ann stick a bit of Abba on the stereo and throw some shapes lol! Remember the bear in the Jungle Book?

  68.  #68Ann on May 15, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    My daughter gave us the money before she went to work to get a calzone so I’m waiting on my supper.

    I wish they taught pole dancing around here I just might would take that class. Even tho I’m not crazy about classroom settings.

  69.  #69Ann on May 15, 2009 at 4:23 pm

    Yep I remember the bear. Might throw some music on later and myself and granddaughter dance around. Now my granddaughter absolutely LOVES to dance. We’ve tried to find her dance classes close to no avail.

  70.  #70heartbeat on May 15, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    What is calzone? I don’t think we have it in the UK. mmmm supper feels good – peanut butter toast for me. OK I’ll settle down now and stop misbehaving 🙂 Night night!

  71.  #71Ann on May 15, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    LOL the best way I can describe a calzone is it’s like a pizza folded together and sealed to keep the toppings inside. It might be called something else there. You have a goodnight and plenty of dancing dreams.

  72.  #72heartbeat on May 15, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    Aw yes, thank you, Ann! mmmm calzone sounds lovely – I feel like a trip to the city soon, maybe they have it there (I live in a seaside town). Enjoy your supper, I’ve enjoyed chatting 🙂 xxxx

  73.  #73Ann on May 15, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    It’s on it’s way. I’ve enjoyed chatting with it, good old fashion fun. Sweet dreams Heartbeat.

  74.  #74Ingrid on May 15, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    This is a great blog! Thx!!!! It’s so exciting to gather everyone’s opinions and insight!

    P.S. Rori’s e-book is great!!!!

    Onward with the dance of life…..

  75.  #75Ann on May 15, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    Yes Ingrid and we love to hear others opinions and insights. It feels nice to share, learn and grow together while each one is walking their own path.

    I like your statement…Onward with the dance of life…..

  76.  #76Daria on May 15, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    I’m feeling so HAPPY!

    I just did this energy healing therapy called TAT… u just hold ur head in ur hands from the back and the front ( kind of lightly pinch nose bridge with ring and thumb and rest middle finger on forehead, while back hand cradles bottom of skull)…

    And think about what is disturbing you that u want to heal… focus on it… it feels easier to deal with trauma and hurt in this pose… it feels like being safe and held…

    Then when u feel ur done…(u will know, hands will come off on their own, or u won’t be able to focus on problem)

    Then do the same but thinking of the opposite… ie The problem was here but Im totally healed now

    Then do one for gratefulness…


    I cried and cried and then laughed and laughed… and it’s amazing how many different memories just flashed in my mind…

    It feels so GENTLE and HEALING


  77.  #77Ann on May 15, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    Daria this sound very interesting. Is there a website to learn more? I love reading how you focus on you.

  78.  #78gina on May 15, 2009 at 6:32 pm

    I’m goin salsa dancing. Woohoo! It’s been forever!!

  79.  #79Daria on May 15, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    Thank you Ann…

    the website is http://www.tatlife.com/

  80.  #80Ann on May 15, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    Thank you Daria I’m downloading the booklet and signed up for the newsletter.

  81.  #81Ann on May 15, 2009 at 10:41 pm

    Daria I have a question for you. The TAT instructions seem simple enough however I don’t drink alot of water. Do you drink this much water on the days you do TAT?

  82.  #82Tracy on May 16, 2009 at 12:51 am

    The TAT therapy actually makes me feel better.Thanks for sharing…i feel lighter….more at ease…

  83.  #83Daria on May 16, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    Ann… just drink as much as you feel you want to. I guess it’s just the idea of “flushing” that energy… we don’t want to be dehydrated.

    I don’t keep account of how much I drink, I just make sure i DO drink enough water when I’m doing energy stuff…

  84.  #84Ann on May 16, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    Daria I just did the tat meditation at the end of the booklet for about 5 minutes.The back of my head and neck feel a little tingly. I’m not quite sure about this yet but I do know I’m a BIG believer in self help so want to work with it. Please share any insights you have on TAT.

  85.  #85Flipper on May 16, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself.’ It took me decades to figure out (and I’m still working on feeling it deep inside lol), that different people are concerned by different parts of this phrase, and I wasn’t paying attention to my part. My (and I believe the general) assumption is that this means one has to work at loving others. But it always seemed like a no brainer to me – doesn’t everyone just naturally, at least initially, love others and want to be fair? Well, no, actually. So then I understood this was a good recommendation to self-centered, greedy people to lead a better life. And finally, it dawned on me: AS MYSELF means I also have my part – I must learn to respect and love myself just as well as any other of God’s creatures. As many of you have also felt, this has not always seemed obvious.

    ‘Feel good’ in the sense it’s used here is not simply pleasantness or satisfaction of superficial desires. Feel good here means being in touch with our deep, authentic feelings, even the ones that feel hideously bad, because we can only feel secure in the good ones if we acknowledge the bad. These feelings are at the source of our lives and are our best guide to what is in our true best interest. And part of our role as women is to show others (men and children) how we do it.

  86.  #86Ann on May 16, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    That’s a perfect example of what I meant on the other post Flipper about us being alot alike. I was thinking yesterday about the phases: “Love thy neighbor as thyself” Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you” and ” You teach others how to treat you” If we don’t know how to love ourselves first, treat ourselves well first, take care of ourselves first then we won’t be able to give back to others. And they won’t know how to treat us in a way that feels good.

    It feels like I have some synchronicity coming toward me right now. I have some energy in me that needs releasing and Daria speaks about it and shares the website. I don’t quite know how to say what I was think about the above phases and Flipper said it beautifully. There are some other things I’d been wondering about and it seems the answers are being dropped in my lap. This all feels good.

    Geez I hope I’m making sense lol

  87.  #87Ingrid on May 16, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    Yes. Love others as yourself. If a man, for example has very low self-esteem and does not love himself, how could he possibly love a woman? WOW! A man like this could be “toxic”. IMO.

    What do you think?

  88.  #88Linda G on May 16, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    I find that a man who does not love himself is always daring a woman to love him; and then he treats her badly, making her leave him, to prove he is right about himself being unlovable.

  89.  #89Daria on May 16, 2009 at 10:19 pm

    Another boy I know got killed… i feel shoked… he was sweet… he had a big smile… I remember when I first met him he was short… he looked like a mupped mushroom head boy with huge sunglasses… haha…

    then when i saw him 2 months ago i felt surprised how tall his was…

    i only met him 3 times… he was real sweet…

  90.  #90Daria on May 16, 2009 at 10:23 pm

    welcome to war in america where we love too hard and drop dead and turn around and do it to others so they can do it to us

  91.  #91Daria on May 16, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    How can we inspire men to change from a lifestyle of survival/war/revenge to joy/life/compassion?

  92.  #92Ann on May 16, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    Hugs Daria. I’m sorry to hear that.

  93.  #93Daria on May 16, 2009 at 10:29 pm

    I feel scared to lose more people I care about now that this happened … my Godsister says now we are going to lose some more because they are all going to try to revenge him

    and part of me feels this revenge impulse… i know i will be judged because part of me is all love

    but the other one thinks by the way the boys think… it’s not safe to do nothing … it’s not honorable to forgive…

    i try to reconcile these parts of me and i feel confused

  94.  #94Daria on May 16, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    Thanks Ann.

    I feel weird saying this on here because part of me feels that no one wants to hear about this. Because it is disturbing and not like the lives we want to lead.

    I put myself in the middle of this lifestyle looking for love because I believed God hides the most love in the darkest places. And I wasn’t too disappointed. I found a lot of love.

    And then I found a lot of pain. And I want to change it. I want to BE THE ONE that changes it. But I’d be happy if it just changed… for the better

    And now I carry this conflict with me… I want to believe in revenge because I feel included… loyalty requires sacrifice of ourselves or others…

    there’s a lot of healing that could be had in here God.

    I ask the Angels for healing.

    I’m going to continue loving myself because I think that will be the way to healing all.

    Is it possible to change the life and beliefs of so many people just through one woman loving herself?

    I hope so.

    Walking through the tunnel…

    And yet I don’t promise anything… except that I will love myself… I am still committed…

    I feel that if I preach love I will be excluded…and my words will fall on deaf ears that way…

    what would u do, be like the people who suffer to help their suffering?

    Hmm… well I’d rather do that than ignore…

    I feel numb… and I feel afraid to face my anger…

    I must be Very Very strong for God to send me here…

    Thank you God for Honoring me… and I ask for healing… in me and in the ones I love…

    I ask for forgiveness for the ones that blocked out their guilt… I ask for forgiveness knowing their love and their sweetness and knowing really knowing their confusion and fear… and anger… and power…

    God u know how easy it is for us to feel lost…

    I ask for healing for us…

    Thank you.

    I feel glad to live this life that I have with it’s joy. Thank you for my life.

    I feel grateful for my joy and my family and the LOVE i’ve felt. I ask for healing …

    I feel confused with the lessons and beliefs that are conflicting.

    Do you want us to fight or do you want us to lay down and hope…

    i want to Help here…

    And I want Help for me…

    I feel so glad you forgive everyone God…

    thank goodness…

    sometimes this life gets tiring…

    I know you understand…

    I feel so glad when we die we can all come to you… and theres no need for revenge then… or pain… or feeling left out, or desperate or trapped …

    I know it’s called for super human strength and I am asking for your help with it…

    I know I don;t have to understand everything…

    I love.

  95.  #95Ann on May 16, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    Daria HUGS. I wanted to remind you, I’ve never heard Rori say we couldn’t be real on here. By that I mean she’s never said we couldn’t share our pain. You’re sharing you’re pain, about relationships you have with your friends. And the conflict you’re living at the moment. I hope all involved find peace, love and hope. I’m sorry you all are going through this.

  96.  #96Daria on May 16, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    Thank you Ann. You are right about Rori never saying that. That is a voice in my head that says that.

    The voice is trying to protect me from “the people who don’t understand.”

    And I embrace that voice … and am in charge… and will do what makes me feel good and what makes me bigger and happier so that I can have mroe compassion to share with it and with the world… and I won’t abandon it. (I memorized that from Rori’s Heart Toolkit).

    So I am choosing to share for my healing.

  97.  #97Ann on May 16, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    Thank you Daria for sharing your journey. There will always be people in life who don’t understand. But if we don’t share we might miss helping someone who really needs to hear what we have to share. Give yourself a big hug for me please.

  98.  #98heartbeat on May 16, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    Daria, big hugs from me too xxx Thank you for sharing your pain and your prayers – I could really feel your conflict and your wanting to heal your neighbourhood and yeah the LOVE inside that makes us grow into our most magnificent selves.

  99.  #99heartbeat on May 17, 2009 at 12:13 am

    Ingrid, Linda G – I totally agree, yes – which is why I’m happily typing away here early on a sunny Sunday morning instead of tucked up in bed with my man. He’s unhappy inside. He shows up in body but not in soul and it feels awful, I started to feel exhausted and, to be honest, bored. I feel a little bad writing ‘bored’. There have been moments of light when I felt his love coming at me, and he always shows up, but this last week felt crummy.

    So last night he hardly touches me, falls asleep, etc – so I say ‘this feels awful’ – and he gets up, gets dressed and goes home. Which I thought would have felt like the worst thing he could do. But I felt relieved! And this morning I feel so much lighter and happy.

    I don’t feel like seeing him at all right now, I feel dread when I think of that. I want to find the happy, fun-loving girl I was when I met him. I hope he finds his heart too. Maybe then I will feel close to him again.

    I’m writing this for two reasons – if any woman feels guilty or scared of their feelings around a toxic man, I hope they will feel heartened by my experience. It feels deeply true that loving myself enables me to draw boundaries and yet still feel love for another.

    And also because I can see how much I’ve grown, I would never have felt like this before – this site and all of your stories and support, Rori and her wonderful programmes and toolkits and emails are so amazing.

    Thank you so much! xxxx

  100.  #100heartbeat on May 17, 2009 at 12:25 am

    Elegant Ann, delicious Daria – thank you for sharing your links to the Chakra test and TAT – I love getting new resources.

    Hello Flipper, my french lovely – your comments always feel deeply reflective and wise. xxxx

  101.  #101Flipper on May 17, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    Hello Heartbeat – yours even more so ! I’ve spent a lovely weekend exhibiting my wares (art) at an open house in a friend’s studio. I sold a drawing and feel great. There was a swell party last night where I hardly knew a soul, and I tried to practice the dance position, leaning back and locking eyes, with some success. When I left, one guy I didn’t know even insisted on giving me big smoochy cheek kisses instead of the usual polite air-kiss variety – only problem was, he was the hostess’s husband ! LOL (don’t worry, I’m not goin’ there – the poor guy prolly just couldn’t help it once I turned on the Diva!)

    I have a feel-good art project, too, partly inspired by Rori’s teachings and all of you, ‘fellow’ Sirens (??? well we call each other ‘guys’ these days…). Also partly by drawings I do with my therapist and a “Cakes of the Queen of Heaven” women’s power and spirituality thing I’ve been participating in. My art is mostly centered on women and girls already, and now I want to do some works around the Goddess – historically, and within You, within Me.

  102.  #102Flipper on May 17, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    Ann, you Always make much More than plain old vanilla sense ! Hugs all ’round.

  103.  #103Flipper on May 17, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Daria, I’m feeling so choked up, too, about your sad dilemna. I always feel so terrible when I see things in the news about places or people that are involved in endless vendettas. It will only end when Someone finally Stops. And I feel you have the answer – it will stop when the love that is born by a woman will be recognized and accepted at its true value. When it will be understood that the latest victim will only be truly honored by love and life, not another death. Hang on to your courage, Sweetheart, and let our concern for you assuage your pain.

  104.  #104Daria on May 17, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    Thank you Goddesses. It turns out the boy who died was not who I thought it was but his brother, who I never met, and also was not really involved in the situation or whatever is going on… I feel mad that his brother died and at the same time I feel relieved that I did not know him. I feel guilty for feeling this way.

    It’s a kind of common thought (or maybe I just think it is) that “there’s no feelings to spare” for people I don’t know. I feel troubled by all this stuff yet I do feel GLAD it’s not the sweet boy i knew

  105.  #105Ann on May 17, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Daria I hope the young man you know and his friends will maybe learn something from the untimely death of his brother. It’s so sad.

  106.  #106Daria on May 17, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    Thank you Ann. I would like to learn this something too and it seems part of me is resistant.

  107.  #107Ann on May 17, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    Heartbeat I too love hearing about new resources. It felt your power as you posted about your man’s mood and how you took care of you first. I love this statement “It feels deeply true that loving myself enables me to draw boundaries and yet still feel love for another.” It feels good to take care of ourselves but have room for others.

    Flipper it felt good to hear about your drawing selling. I love to see others express theirselve through art(drawing, painting, sketching etc…) I wish we could see some of yours I’m sure they’re fantastic. And thank you for the compliment it feels good to not be ” just plain ole vanilla altho i like vanilla lol”

    I’m working on laundry. It looks like my granddaughter’s softball season will finally start tomorrow after a 2 week delay. We had a impromptune practice today. I’m wore out but I think that’s because we’re all stressed right now.

    One day at a time. I really appreciate you ladies.

  108.  #108Ann on May 17, 2009 at 5:10 pm

    i know what your saying Daria. I’m walking around in a “disconnected spaced out” today feeling because it feel like there’s just so much going on. For example the comment I wrote above, I went to check email and forget to hit post here. I found it when I came back to see what the new post was here.

  109.  #109heartbeat on May 18, 2009 at 12:15 am

    Hey Flipper I feel excited hearing you’ve sold a drawing and about your womany project! I’d love to see it too.

    Quick post – on my way to work. 8am here.

    *an occasional offer to click on my name and see some of my art etc*

  110.  #110Tracy on May 18, 2009 at 2:45 am

    wow…i feel so triggered
    This guy i like asked me to help him sort out his financial stuff and i felt uncomfortable doing it the last time so this time round i asked him to find out an alternative and explained to him that i felt bad not assisting but stuck when i did because i was doing it for the wrong reasons.
    Now i am feeling bad because he’s found some other way of helping himself out…
    I am feeling bad because i did not assist…I feel sad that maybe he doesn’t like me anymore and i feel so compelled to check up on him and ask if he’s okay…wow…
    I Feel shocked at the person i was before..Always helping out and hoping to receive love in return..i feel embarrassed at all these…It feels great to finally see how i was setting myself up for disappointment all the time.
    Rori posted about this previously but it did not make much sense to me until now….I do feel now that i have in the past tried to help nearly everyone and blamed myself even when there was nothing much i could do..I see now that i need to let go and allow others to sort their own issues out…I am the first born and i find myself trying to help and control everything…..and the funny thing is i always have relationships where i find myself trying to sort the guyz out…be it financially,religiously…
    I see it now…my mind wanders to trying to make things better….instead of just taking things as they are…and when i don’t feel comfortable…expressing myself and trying to work things from there..I guess this was one of those AHA moments for me….

  111.  #111Flipper on May 18, 2009 at 5:12 am

    Heartbeat – I love your poetry and artwork – such a variety, and so expressive. Especially felt attracted to the whirlwind goddess in ‘Windows’ and the colorful flute player (?). The veiled women evoke for me all kinds of strong feelings, dominated by unease, frustration and anger, though as art the work is very appealing.

    Haven’t found my internet showcase yet, but will post it when I do. The drawing I sold figured a half-length nude in mostly blues, with a quite recognizable profile looking off the page. I like my nudes to have real women’s faces, not a stylized ‘Everywoman’ head my male prof used to tell me was ‘better’. Mine are not just representations of the Eternal Feminine as circumscribed by men’s non-specific tastes in the matter, but of a real person in her singularity as well as the universal beauty of a female body. My female friends agree with me – they find plenty more to relate to with in my images than just erotically, or as good or bad art. The figure felt very confident just being there, naked or not. An older man bought it, choosing it carefully with his companion – they both seemed very pleased. (Often the nudes pose a problem within couples, I’ve noticed – I can feel one or the other has issues about them.)

    Oooooh Tracy, that all sounds SO familiar. Even though the couple were so happy with their drawing, which they’d got for a very good price after bargaining, I started to worry they’d be upset if they noticed one part that looked kinda patched up, or the oil from the pastels would eventually seep through the paper, even tho’ I’d told them how frame it to limit such a problem. Aaargh – I never do/am enough! I’m also first born. Dunno if TW is, but she’s obviously struggling with these same issues (hope you read this, TW). Feels good to see you getting that stuff out on here – now let’s feel relaxed and happy about the good side, including and especially our new self-awareness. LOL

  112.  #112Katja on May 18, 2009 at 6:18 am

    Hey ladies,
    I am back. Only to ask you all something…a good friend of mine is struggling back and forth in her marriage. She has three kids,one from a previous relationship,the other two with her husband. All of them live with her and her husband. The oldest child is now eleven and wants to be in contact with her real father,what her mother supports.But the stepdad of the child,her husband,is against that. They are fighting since over one year about this subject and she even considered separating from him because of his bad behaviour. He says really mean stuff to his wife and to her daughter,who only wants to be in contact with her real father. In the past my friend did what she thought was right and allowed her daughter to be in contact with her father. But it lead to fights with her husband. She feels hurt and helpless and wants to know what to do now. She loves her husband but doesn’t understand his problem. I promised her to think about it and help her – even when I am in an emotional challenging situation myself – but I feel good by helping others and so I came back here. Her english is not well,otherwise I would have sent her to this site. Has anyone an idea what to do?

    And I have some questions for myself also…maybe you,Rori,have some time to answer them. As I told you my man passed away one month ago. I am in no way already healed or out of my “grief bubble” (thats what I feel I am in) but I want to look forward and I want to be happy in the future. I still feel very emotional attached to him and I am not able to see myself with another person than him,but I’d like to know what to do when I feel ready to move on. Should I start dating then? And will there ever be someone who will understand that I lost the love of my life and that I will love this man I lost forever? Do men understand when I tell them I don’t want a possible future husband to be called “daddy” by my daughter (because I promised my man that he will always be her daddy and that she will never call another person her dad and I want her to grow up knowing that her father is not here anymore but that he loves her and that we just can’t see him because he is in heaven now)? Is it too early to think about stuff like that? I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone,I always wanted to have a family and children (not only one) and be happily married. I can’t see this right now for me because my man was the ONE for me and I can’t imagine anyone touching my heart like he did. But I want this somewhere in my future,sharing myself with someone.

    Hugs and love to all of you,
    and much happiness!!!

  113.  #113Aggy on May 18, 2009 at 6:57 am

    Rori, plz tell me how to get hold of the modern siren
    I desperately need to become one
    lost my mails coz the mailing system in the office crushed
    have this strong feeling that I need to start with the modern siren
    coz I have been leaning back which seemed to work for only a short while, I think I need more tools to draw him closer
    thank you

  114.  #114Tracy on May 18, 2009 at 7:07 am

    Your Paintings sound wonderful….I would love to learn painting but i haven’t had the time to take up classes.
    Thanks for responding and i feel relieved that others experience the same feelings as i do.
    I feel better when i recognize my sad/frustrating side and i embrace it….and i also feel much better when i put it down in writting.It feels less overwhelming and when i read back i can try and identify the real reason behind those feelings….
    I am glad you are able to share yourself through your paintings…it feels so inspiring…



  115.  #115Rori Raye on May 18, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    Aggy, you can either go to the link on the right of this blog that says “Rori’s product catalog” – or just go here:


  116.  #116Rori Raye on May 18, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    Yaaay! Congratulations Flipper! Making art feels fantastic, and sharing and selling the art you make feels like an amazing extension of the joy. Love, Rori

  117.  #117Rori Raye on May 18, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    Daria, so sorry – and all I keep thinking is – have you ever thought about moving somewhere new? Perhaps going to India and living in an ashram, or just moving to a safer neighborhood of friends where anger, revenge, pain and violence, drama and intensity aren’t so much a part of the landscape? It’s hard enough without constantly getting triggered by the enregy of tothers and the collective energy of a place. Love, Rori

  118.  #118Rori Raye on May 18, 2009 at 12:49 pm

    Exactly, Linda G. You got it. Rori

  119.  #119Robin on May 18, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    Daria I am so sorry to hear abou the death of this boy-and wow I feel inspired hearing you ask God ‘Do you want us to fight or do you want us to lay down and hope…’-It feels like such a universal question that I know I ask God and Im willing to bet other have as well, Thank you for honestly and boldly asking it..

    I feel inspired hearing how Rori mentioned the energy of others and the collective energy of a place-and the how drama and intensity are a part of the landscape in some areas-I used to think it was a reflection of something in me thats not healed-and then I got that message that people judge you because of externals, and I had been pondering about whether location was a factor in getting hit on by men that I wouldn’t consider dating, but location IS a very important factor and it just feels to me that this can’t help but color how you feel about yourself…

  120.  #120Flipper on May 18, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    Dear Katja, I feel so touched by your grief and yet you are reaching out, trying to help your friend in her need. Your honesty and willingness to relate all your thoughts and feelings will surely serve you well in the long run – I certainly feel what you said is nothing to be ashamed of. Turning to others and knowing you do want to go on to have the best life possible feel like the best ways to honor the love that you shared.

    As for your friend, I feel very sad for her, too. She must feel so torn – no matter what she does, someone or everyone is unhappy, and no one is taking care of her needs. Personal counseling could give her some much-needed support, help her to see more clearly whose legitimate interests to look after (including her own), and help her develop her inner strength. Couples or eventually family counseling, too, if the husband will accept it.

    I wish you continuing courage, Katja, and the desire and strength to maintain your friendships and accept new ones should they present themselves, at this stage. Hugs for you and your little daughter.

  121.  #121Flipper on May 18, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    Thanks, Rori – art is definitely a wonderful extension of Joy!

  122.  #122Katja on May 18, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    Thank you very much,Flipper! I appreciate your words.

    Unfortunately my friends husband doesn’t want to go to family or couples counseling. She suggested it and he asked her if she is crazy. I feel so bad for her and I want to help her. I am so sure that there is another way for them than to divorce or fight all the time. I feel especially sad for my friend as she doesn’t feel good physically also since they started fighting.

    As for myself-maybe that sounds silly but I am writing letters to my man and I am talking to him,as if he is standing there in front of me. I believe strongly that when we die only our bodies die and our souls go into another dimension. Maybe that sounds crazy but I am sure that we are able to communicate with the souls of the dead ones through our feelings. I FEEL my man sometimes. I feel him telling me something and most of the time I feel what he tells me. Its hard to describe with words. But all this helps me dealing with this painful situation. I haven’t found a therapist yet to help me,as I am still searching for someone who is a specialist on this field,but I feel I am doing the right things for myself instinctively and that I am healing faster than I ever expected and faster than others. Maybe its because I see the situation from a different point of view so I can accept it on another level than others. I am just trying to do the best I can – for my daughter,myself and for him,too!

    All the best to all of you!
    Much love,

  123.  #123Flipper on May 19, 2009 at 1:48 am

    Katja, I feel glad the writing and your beliefs are helping you to cope. In the absence of the appropriate therapist, I know there are grief support groups out there, real and virtual. Even if you are not drawn to that now, perhaps researching them would give you a ready support network if you hit a rough patch or suddenly feel overwhelmed.

    Of course, we know your friend is not crazy, on the contrary she’s reacting intelligently and responsibly in recognizing the gravity of the situation. And we also know, she is the only one she can change, so getting herself supported emotionally in order to do that is the way to go. This burden must not lie principally with you, so I would encourage her to find her own therapist and/or online or other support group as soon as possible. Also, talking with a counselor (or other staff if there isn’t one) at her daughter’s school would probably help at least with that aspect and might be a source for finding other contacts and resources (professionals, social worker, etc.). (My kids’ school had a ‘Talk Point’ womanned by a professional that was open to parents as well as students, and it helped me and my family at the time.) <3

  124.  #124heartbeat on May 19, 2009 at 1:52 am

    Flipper & Ann thank you for your wonderful, positive comments! Flipper I look forward to hearing more and seeing a showcase of your work if you decide to create one.

    Katja – oh it feels good to hear from you – your letter-writing feels beautiful, intimate and sincere. And your feelings of healing and moving on – wow that blows me away, you are an amazing woman in your grief. My love goes out to you


  125.  #125heartbeat on May 19, 2009 at 2:00 am

    Five Rhythms – my first time last night – felt so powerful – free and energising – and also awareness of blocks, especially in making noise. One woman could yell out from the pit of her stomach. I moved nearer her when my noise came out as a squeak. I feel like that’s what happens when I feel angry. I water down my feeling to ‘upset’ or ‘frustrated’ or ‘sad’ and my voice sounds inauthentic.

    I also noticed how I loved ‘following’ in the partner work, but then would feel uncomfortable and lose the connection and make myself lead, and then notice that and pause until I felt like I was following again. There are 50/50 mn and women in the group and I noticed men had different energies too.

    And when the men all danced together in the centre they were just having a good time, but when it was the women’s turn a few of us felt ‘on show’, including me, and I noticed I had to make a conscious effort to ‘let go’ and didn’t manage it completely.

    I’m feeling in a bad place as far as my relationship goes this morning – and unable to focus on much else other than my own process today.

  126.  #126Flipper on May 19, 2009 at 7:21 am

    Poor sorrowing Heartbeat – take care of yourself the best as you can. That Tender Loving Care for yourself will do more, I feel, for your man and your relationship than if you gave it directly to him. When I’m in those bad places, I don’t feel like doing any art. Can you create from there? Is that what you have people do in art therapy?

    Five Rhythms feels interesting. Sounds like the sort of stuff they do in the Café de l’Amour here. I relate to what you said about following, tho’ it was a woman partner who told me I was leading (none of the men showed their masculine energy by being so verbally directive).

    Big hugs and a bouquet of my wonderfully scented orangy roses (var. Arielle Dombasle).

  127.  #127Linmayu on May 19, 2009 at 7:33 am

    Five Rhythms is so rad. 😀

  128.  #128heartbeat on May 19, 2009 at 7:36 am

    Flipper thank you for those beautiful roses – my favourite flower, and orange is my favourite colour xxxx

  129.  #129Ann on May 19, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    Heartbeat I LOVE your page such beautiful art work and poetry. What is Five Rhythms?

    Katja please continue to take care of you. I was glad to see you posting. HUGS.

  130.  #130heartbeat on May 20, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    Hey Ann – thanks! Aw it feels great you like my page 🙂

    Five Rhythms Dancing is based on a concept by Gabriel Roth – the five rhythms represent different aspects – “The primary teaching of this work is: If you put the psyche in motion, it will heal itself.
    The five rhythms are flowing, staccato, chaos, lyrical and stillness. They come together to create the Wave, a movement meditation practice. Rather than having steps to follow, each rhythm is a different energy field in which you find your own expression and choreography, thereby stretching your imagination as well as your body. Each rhythm is a teacher and you can expect to meet different and sometimes unknown aspects of yourself as your dance unfolds and your practice of the rhythms deepens over time. ” from http://www.acalltodance.com/index.htm

  131.  #131heartbeat on May 20, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    I’m feeling joyous today!!!!!!!!!! Will pick up on the next post.

  132.  #132DocK on May 21, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    Heartbeat – many years ago, when I was teaching at Spelman College – I did the 5 rhythms with students but back then I believe it was referred to as “sweating your prayers.” It was so much fun (at least to me)!! I haven’t thought about it in awhile and now I’m excited about it again. Thank you.

  133.  #133Appalled on May 21, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    This saddens me greatly. GREATLY.

    I made it to this site when I noticed an absolutely horrific article (by this site’s illustrious blogger) about how successful women need to “tone it down” to be successful in love.


    You have to love yourself above all. Finding a true match is about striking a balance– loving someone more than you love yourself ONLY works when that person, in turn, loves you more than he loves himself. Period.

    The article, and this one and subsequent comments, acknowledge that the views they tout are not “empowered” but then goes on toe excuse that. THERE IS NO EXCUSE.

    True love means finding someone who loves you for who you are. If you are a take charge person, then you either find someone who can love a take charge person or you learn to love yourself enough that it doesn’t matter.

    I am greatly distressed to see, in 2009, women so actively advocating CHANGING yourself to make yourself more attractive to a man. ARE YOU KIDDING? These posts could be lifted from a 1955 version of Good Housekeeping. You are furthering stereotypes and propoganda that should be long dead.

    Ladies– LOVE YOU. If you can’t find a man who is man enough to be comfortable with you as you are, then you are better off alone. The dance is a partnership. No one leads, no one follows, you find your own rythym together.

  134.  #134Rori Raye on May 22, 2009 at 12:27 am

    Dear Appalled – Welcome, and thank you for your passionate comment. First, this was a guest post – and yet I loved it. (This guest post was ONLY this guest post – I’ll take a look at the article you’re referring to so I can answer you more fully.) And – I simply can’t see how this post or any post in this blog has anything to do with “toning yourself down.” I don’t believe I’ve ever or would ever refer to what my work is about in that way. I consider my work to be about getting into yourself and bringing your real self OUT – MORE. This post is about DANCING – and how one person leads at A TIME. You can’t BOTH lead at the same time. One person leads, and one person follows. And if you’re a “take-charge” kind of woman, I say bravo – and know that the kind of man you will then get in sync with is a man who will primarily follow your lead. And if that makes you happy, great. That’s you living always in your masculine energy and he living from his feminine energy. Works great – if that’s what you want. And If you’re finding success and happiness with that, please tell us about it. Because, for me – learning to drop your guard, be who you are, and feel deeply in the presence of someone else in a romantic relationship (while smashing every glass ceiling in sight and running companies and changing the world at the same time) is TRUE EMPOWERMENT. It has nothing to do with toning down or playing second fiddle.

    The “changing” that all my work refers to is dropping our defenses, shifting the pretend and the posing and the games – and becoming more authentic, more real, more truth-telling. Hardly for the faint of heart and TOTALLY empowering.

    I look forward to your reading more of my posts here and eletters and commenting with your terrific insights and energy so we can have a spirited discussion. Just know that nothing you say here feels anything like what I espouse, so it’s hard to reply to it without being defensive – and as I say – that’s not where I want to be. The concepts here are quite deep and delicate, and are rooted in Feminism. The difference is – how does this work in romantic relationship? And – yes – there is a difference between business, friendship and romance – and we need all parts of us engaged in order to have it all. Let’s talk…Love, Rori

  135.  #135Flipper on May 22, 2009 at 6:59 am

    This reminds me of a talk on tango by a Seattle engineer who got hooked on that dance a dozen years ago to the point where he goes dancing all around the world, including Argentina. He said that basically, there are standard moves to be learned but they are in no set order. It is for the man to decide what step is next and the woman Must follow his lead, with no verbal cues, or the dance just won’t get off the ground. Already in the dance hall and picking partners, there’re a lot of little signs going on but very little talking (so not exactly a typical mixed ambiance, much less a feminine one). Well, this does not appeal to me at all, even tho’ I want a ‘manly man’ who will offer his leading to me. Interestingly, he said it was the very high-powered, take-charge, ‘I can do anything’, CEO-type women who are attracted to the tango just Because they have to learn to totally surrender, trust in another, Feel (rather than plan/think) what they have to do, and agree to go there without questioning or giving any input, all while mastering the technical aspects and demonstrating their considerable capacities for self-discipline. The results are only impressive and satisfying to both IF the woman can allow herself to follow.

  136.  #136Trisha on May 22, 2009 at 10:35 am

    Dear Erin,
    i checked out your website and what to thank you for your committment to help others. Your comment about finding love inside yourself made me think of “the Kingdom of God is WITHIN you”
    There is no other power greater than agape love. Anything else is never the core of true forgiving and self nurturing God given LOVE.
    GOD is LOVE.
    When we operate through this level and see and hear things through the eyes of LOVE everything can be transformed and the impossible becomes the possible.
    i love my man not because of WHAT he is. i love him because time and time again over the past 5 yrs, i continue to love him for WHO he is.
    When i first met him he was deceptive, had hidden agendas, lived in a protective shell, was untrusting, self defensive and lied to mention a few.
    All i kept seeing and sensing was a man trying to “represent” himself and trying to get me to just see his “image” which was this Billy Dee Williams look alike, best dresser ever and the professional singer he’s been for years! He has the woman in the room swooning over him every time he belts out “Me and Mrs Jones”!!
    WHO he is continues to capture my heart.
    His soft, caring, unselfish giving and concern is underneath all the veneer.
    As i practiced Rori’s tools and the tighter he tried to keep his mask on, the more i leaned back and concentrated on growing to a higher level, leaving him to a much higher power than myself.
    He admired my changes and trusts ME because i trust myself and he knows i won’t be holding him to any EXPECTATIONS like i did in the beginning, which would upset me greatly.
    He sees i really don’t NEED him in order to survive or get me to where my destiny awaits me.
    When i first started dancing with my man, all i knew was to lead. Having my own trust issues took all the fun out of dancing together so we would wind up in “free style”.
    When i was finally able to speak the truth about what i’ve done wrong (being vulnerable) or what i am feeling and changed my mind AND behavior…a relationship of trust just wasn’t possible.
    Something else i’ve decided to embrace ….all the anger i thought was SO bad for me to feel and didn’t WANT to feel…actually IS the right response to something that is wrong!
    Thank you for your contribution to helping us all be better and more enlightened individuals here on this journey called Life.
    Blessings your way,

  137.  #137Cassandra on June 17, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    Right now there is no possible way that I could get caught up on all of the posts that went along with Erin’s original post but I will try to get caught as as soon as I can.

    Erin….thank you for this awesome post! That movie…Take the Lead…happens to be one of my favorite movies. As a dancer and huge fan of both ballroom and and even larger passion for the latin dances…especially Salsa…I loved that movie. Your post was inspiring..thank you fo sharing that with all of us.

    I don’t seem to have issue with being led on the dance floor although I admit that when I used to dance with partners that I danced with often and knew well I could totally let go and trust them but with new partners I inevitably missed a step or 2 here and there due to my inability to follow certain leads. I am quite aware that I ahve trust issues in my personal life but it was interesting for me to realize that all of that actually does carry over into my dancing. perhaps that is why I ahve not danced since I got here except for once even though before I moved here I was dancing 5-7 nights a week! BIG CHANGE!! I gave up what I loved and now I have not danced in a year and half!! On a good note though I did sign up to go tomorrow night even though I know hardly anyone here and am going alone to a Salsa event where I will truly not know even one person. I find it interesting that I signed up for that not even having read this post. It will be interesting to see what happens tommorrow night and if I am able to BE LED.

  138.  #138DocK on June 22, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    Cassandra – not sure how I landed back in this blog but congratulations to you for signing up for that class. I had been away from dance for years as well and when I got back to it just couldn’t believe how I had stayed away. Hope you had fun at the salsa class!

  139.  #139T.R. on July 9, 2009 at 1:20 am

    I am new to this particular blog, but I have blogged on other areas of Rori’s web site in the past, and have found them all helpful. I am wondering if any of you have been in a similar situation as mine and the best way to handle it. I have been dating a guy for 5 months. He has told me that he loves me and that he sees a future with me. He has done the pursuing and I have leaned back throughout the relationship. He is very open with his emotions and I feel happy to be with a man who communicates openly. Which is why I am confused right now. I feel like he is pulling back some right now – he continues to call several times a day and we still have been seeing each other frequently, but his “vibe” feels different. It doesn’t feel like he is as into me right now. I know he is feeling depressed about his job. I try to just listen when he talks and hug him if he is near. But, I don’t know how to deal with his current “vibe”. I am really trying to just focus on me as much as possible and to raise my degree of difficulty some by not being so readily available for him. Would this be considered the right steps for turning things around again?

  140.  #140Uschi on September 10, 2009 at 7:41 am

    Life is a dance and you only get to dance it once – so how can I incorporate this dance and letting him lead into every day life. I love music I love dancing but dancing by myself I feel kinda foolish but I used to do it years ago alone being unwatched. Haven’t done it in ages.
    How to incorporate the dance into everyday life is a big question.

  141.  #141Flipper on September 11, 2009 at 7:26 am

    Uschi – dancing by yourself is in fact one of Rori’s tools. Feeling foolish is really a judgment more than a feeling. So put on music that gets you moving. Start by concentrating on what you feel in your body – muscles and joints, hair swirling around, add a caress…. – then feelings like exaltation or shame, and where and how they feel in your body – then eventually let yourself go to imagine dancing with and/or for someone. No need to expect “results” – things may feel awkward at first – keep trying, different things at different times, it’s all for you, only you and it’s all good.

    If you get into it, many communities have all kinds of dance sessions, with or without partners, to take it a step further. This and other activities are good for networking and making our lives more interesting.