Let’s Stop Bad-Mouthing The Frogs And Look For The Message

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We’re all so used to calling men “losers,” and “frogs,” and…other names – just because we aren’t interested in them romantically.

They don’t look right, or talk right, or smell right, or carry themselves right, or live right.

So – who are these “frogs” and why did one just show up in front of you at Starbucks?

To start: Let’s do a 180 here and stop giving frogs a bad name!

The whole thing is about “kissing frogs to turn them into Princes” …and it’s that CONCEPT that’s bogus, not the frogs themselves.

The whole point of knowing a frog is to LOVE the frog for what it is…a frog.

And NOT to decide, just because we may have learned not to like frogs, just because we’ve been taught “something” about frogs, just because we may not want to marry a frog – that frogs are somehow “bad.”

A frog is…just a frog.

And…to throw another wrench into this old idea – what if…just because WE think he’s a frog – what if he’s actually a Prince for some other woman?  In fact…what if the “frog” categorization is completely bogus?

What if we not only can’t tell if a frog is “bad” – but we can’t even tell a frog from a Prince anyway?

What if we’re just handing out “frog” stickers to any man who doesn’t pass OUR test?

Let’s say that…okay…he’s not someone you’d want to marry, he’s not someone you want to kiss, he’s not someone you’d want to have a conversation with, he’s not even someone you’d want to make eye contact with…

Let’s say you’d rather just IGNORE him.

But – you go out on a date with him anyway, because Circular Dating tells you to do it, and then you feel lousy when you get home (because he makes you think about the guy you really want and how painful it is that you don’t have that guy).

And then, maybe, just to make SURE you don’t like him, you go out with him again, and then when you get home you feel both lousy and GUILTY for possibly leading him on.  And then you feel ANGRY with men in general for driving you to this awful situation.

What if – instead of putting yourself (and him) through all this…you just look at him as a “man.” Perhaps, if you like, a “frog-man.”  The “frog” part just being because YOU don’t like him all that much, and have judged him as “unworthy.”

(…oh…and we need to notice that whenever we judge anyone else as “unworthy” – the ONLY way we can even do that is if we’ve already judged OURSELVES as unworthy.  That’s how it all works.)

So – let’s look at this “frog-man.”  Instead of making him some “second-rate-man” in your mind and heart – let’s look at WHY he’s in front of you in the first place!

Why did this one, particular man show up where you happened to be, zero in on you and somehow catch your attention?

If you can switch all your other thinking to this one question – “Why?” – you’ll kick in your CURIOSITY.

And as soon as you switch into Curiosity – everything changes.  The man is just a man – with SOME REASON for being in your presence.  There’s possibly SOMETHING about him. He may be bringing some kind of Message to you – something that’s important for YOU.

So – for now – for this Step down your path to your Happy Ever After…LOOK FOR THE MESSAGE.

Instead of allowing yourself to see him as an OBSTACLE to your getting your Mr. Right, instead of allowing yourself to see him as something USELESS to you – see if you can use this as an OPPORTUNITY.

Let’s see if you can use Mr. Frog-Man as an opportunity.

Practice your Rori Raye Tools with him.  Smile. Do the Dance Position. Allow him to Fall In Love With You! Relax and then expand your vagina sideways – even though you feel just AWFUL feeling turned on in front of this frog-man – do it for YOURSELF!

Sometimes, a “frog” is what we need.  Sometimes a “frog” is all we can handle.  Sometimes, the love of a “frog” – even for a moment at the counter of the corner Starbucks can lift up our whole day.  Let it.

Get used to love of all kinds coming toward you.

And if this particular frog is hurling insults instead (I’ve heard of that quite a bit) see if you’ve been hurling insults at YOURSELF.

Some people call this kind of thing the “mirror” – that what we see out there is what we’re putting out from inside us – (and, yes, it is in some ways – but in a very complex and mental way).

So I think a much better way to see this – to see EVERY MAN who stands in front of you or speaks to you on the phone or sends you an email (and, most importantly, it FEELS so much better this way) – is as a MESSAGE.

Get curious.  What’s his Message? What does he have for you that might not be so easy to see right on his surface?

Let me know how this works for you.  Look for the Messages – from EVERYONE – and then Riff through your emotions til you come out the other side into LOVE for YOURSELF.

Love, Rori

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89 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on February 9, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Can you give us an example of a Message Rori?

    would a message be like…

    I don’t like guys that are controlling?

    or… I’ve been feeling insecure about my business?

    or… even guys I don’t like like me?

    What kind of message are we looking for? Just any type of “lesson” ?



  2.  #2heartbeat on February 9, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    Daria – if a guy shows up who feels to you to have a particular character trait, attitude or behaviour that you really NOTICE and REACT to, then ask yourself ‘is he mirroring an aspect of me that I don’t like?’

    I’ve found that to be true for me. I’ve had a few Aha! moments this way.

    Then, as Carol Tingle says in her interview with Rori – LOVE it to death! Riff on it etc. Then that aspect won’t trigger you, and the men you attract will be different.



  3.  #3heartbeat on February 9, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    Personal experience? How much airspace do I have?! 🙂

    Seriously – I could make a long long list – and all of the men I reacted to bore traits I didn’t want to see in myself… uncertainty, suspicion, secrecy, eyeing-up (yeah I do that too!), irritation (oh that felt scary to me, but I can be very irritable), drunkenness, sloth, extravagance OK I’LL STOP NOW!!!!

    I can also feel myself getting judgemental where my man excels in a trait I really LIKE in myself! It’s an old pattern for me to want to rebel, or take on the opposite role. With one of my best friends, I’m the comedian. With my man, I’m the studious one. With another friend, I’m the maverick rebel, with another I feel conformist.

    I’m really noticing this now, and as I get more relaxed in my relationship and my self-esteem returns, I’ve been firing a few good lines and practically had my man crying with laughter over the weekend 🙂



  4.  #4Daria on February 9, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    Ok I feel weird because the guy I went on a date with 2 days ago… at the end of the date he kissed me a few times and I didn’t feel comfortable or attracted. I had had a nice time until then. I also saw a picture of him in his house and realized that I had went on a date with him before about 7 years back and I remember him coming on too strong then and kissing me too whoa! and now I feel turned off.

    So I feel guilty because I had a great time until he kissed me. I told him I don’t feel comfortable and he stopped, but kissed me again when he dropped me off. I went with it and allowed it to happen but didn’t feel turned on.

    Whats the message?

    I come on too strong? Is that the message? Or is it that I can have a nice time with a guy and not feel attracted to him later? I don’t really “GET” the message stuff Rori talks about…

    I have been trying to learn whatever lessons there are to learn and hoping that is the “message.” Is the message about us? About him? About men? Is it only that what I don’t like in him I must be doing myself?

    Am I pushing myself onto men that don’t feel attracted to me? And that turns them off because it’s too much for them? I mean I probably did this before with guys I was hung up on in the past… but I don’t seem to do it anymore… so what IS the message?

    I am getting that the message is that he’s a nice guy but I don’t really feel for him anymore… that doesn’t sound like the kind of message we are talking about here.



  5.  #5Daria on February 9, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    Maybe the message is I am STILL too scared to communicate:

    I don’t feel sexually attracted to you right now.

    And I feel bad because it seems like a crushing thing to say to a man. But maybe it’s not. Maybe that “sensitive ego” idea is just BS. Maybe it’s Good for him to hear that I don’t feel sexually attracted to him.

    I still feel stuck in communicating that. Is that the messge?

    Anyone want to help in communicating this? Rori I know you say that we should continue to date the guy even though we don’t feel attracted to him, but should we tell him?



  6.  #6Daria on February 9, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    I LOVE THAT I”VE COME ON TOO STRONG TO GUYS IN THE PAST AND FELT CRUSHED WHEN THEY TOLD ME THEY DIDN’T FEEL IT FOR ME.

    To be riffed on… thanks Hearbeat…



  7.  #7heartbeat on February 9, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    You’re amazing, Daria!!!! 🙂
    Been catching up on reading and loved your ‘what do you have on men’ comment – thanks, I’ll try that.



  8.  #8Bethany on February 9, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    I feel confused about what the message is supposed to be too. Maybe it’s just whatever our impression of the “frog” is is actually an impression we have of ourselves that’s too uncomfortable to look at so we need to see it in others…or the feeling that people trigger in us is the message about ourselves…I don’t know

    If I take it the first way, my boyfriend’s message to me is that I am immature and not ready for a real relationship and flighty and flakey and a girl-woman just as much as he is a boy-man. Ugh. That feels terrible. I don’t want to be immature and flakey…I want to be ready for a real relationship goddamnit. I am sick of not seeing these things about myself why am I flakey? I am flakey because I don’t want to take responsibility. Why don’t I want to take responsibility? Because it’s hard, and I’m lazy, and I want things handed to me and done for me, I’m kind of a princess…and I criticize him for kind of being a prima-donna pretty boy! Oh my God! That feels eye-opening…I am kind of a bratty little bitch sometimes, even though I work really hard at people-pleasing and being sweet as pie, which is really manipulative…I am manipulative and bitchy and I have a Princess Complex…which I got mad at my best friend for telling me once even though she’s right and her Message was delivered to me on a silver platter and I didn’t see it…I want to love my manipulative part but that feels bad and I don’t want people to feel unsafe around me, which makes me work really hard at convincing them that I am a safe person to be around and that makes me act in ways that are not true for me and therefore people can feel UNSAFE around me anyway…so it doesn’t work…I feel sad about that, I feel icky and gross and alienated…I feel frustrated and ashamed….that feels like shaking in my stomach, I feel so ashamed of how I act out of automated patterns, I want to feel like I’m completely in control of myself just because I’m AWARE of some things about myself but I’m not, I sometimes feel arrogant but I shouldn’t be, I feel bad, defeated, now numb. I want to love my manipulative self, no, not a separate self, my manipulativeness, and I am so hypervigilant about being manipulated by others and I am one of the biggest controllers I know, I try to be so nice to my friends and family and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I love my shame, I love that I want to curl up in a ball and hide my face from the world, no, I don’t that’s a lie, I feel awful about my shame. I want to shove it away. I want to try to love it but not right now.



  9.  #9Flipper on February 9, 2009 at 5:36 pm

    Daria, I feel you Have hit on the message from this guy: your uneasiness about how/if to stop it when things get physical and/or about not feeling turned on by him. For the first thing, I feel you still have to get clear in your own heart what YOU want/don’t want physically and when. (I hear a lot of questioning around him, his feelings, but for yourself it sounds like you feel some “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” coming from who knows where but that aren’t really yours). For the second, communicating your lack of desire for him in an unhurtful way is difficult cuz it is hard to hear without feeling bad, man or woman. How about simplifying your message to him and Leaving Him Out of It? Meaning especially ‘drop the “you”‘, (and also maybe the clinical “sexually attracted”). What if you try just plain vanilla “I don’t feel like it”?

    As I said elsewhere, I feel that once we “get the message”, we can let everyone off the hook – him and us – if there’s no “just fun in their company” or genuine attraction to take it further. No sense beating a dead horse – we need our love and energy to ride around on our own, live one. (For me, tho’, I feel we should get over too many scruples about leading a guy on. If they keep asking us out, respect our boundaries, and we Do have a good time with them even tho’ we know it will never be THE one, I don’t feel bad continuing to see them. I feel GOOD about the attention and know very well they’re getting something inestimable from my company, or they wouldn’t still be there asking).



  10.  #10Bethany on February 9, 2009 at 5:41 pm

    This guy just called me on the phone, and he’s someone I went on a date with in college, but I’m not interested in him anymore. I find myself judging him for being rigid and closed-minded and I find him physically repulsive…but he’s easy to talk to and practice leaning back with because I’m not attracted to him! I find I can say more spontaneous things and the awkward silences don’t feel so intense…although if I move to fill them then it’s not as good a conversation, or it feels more head-stuff than me being a woman because I get nervous and I don’t want him to pursue me, and so I go to my head!



  11.  #11Dorothea on February 9, 2009 at 6:14 pm

    Thank you times a million, Rori, for this blog. It came JUST in time. I was torturing myself all day long over how my Valentine’s date is not worthy of being my boyfriend and will never get there without big changes, and how I should dump him now before our date so as not to lead him on.

    The things about which I feel turned off with him are (in no particular order) 1. He drinks too often for my tastes 2. He complains (I find myself calling him a ‘bitch’ in my head) 3. He texts instead of calls, which I’ve talked to him about a few times now but I feel ignored by him about this. He sent 7 text messages without a response from me, the first couple being to make plans. I have told him I want to make plans on the phone. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PROBLEM IS. I feel like ARGH over that.

    My question is should I tell him about these things that bother me? What is too much information? I don’t want to hurt him. I used to really like him and still, of course, enjoy many things about him, but my three complaints above are recurring themes that make me feel suffocated and too good for him.



  12.  #12Erika on February 9, 2009 at 8:19 pm

    Over on the guys’ dating sites, they call the frogs “chodes” and teach them how to become Prince Charming … attracting women is a teachable skill. But I digress…

    Sometimes the message is just to laugh. One guy I dated found Rori’s blog through my blog. He has become a Rori fan and loves to preach that I (and other women) should talk about our feelings. However, when faced with a woman actually speaking from her feelings, he completely freaks out.

    I have two choices: to get upset about this, or to feel neutral and see the immense humor in it. I’m choosing the latter.

    Anyhoo, I still highly recommend that girls on this site read some of the male pickup artist stuff to see a completely different perspective on “frogs.” Google the word “chode.” Lol 🙂



  13.  #13Chanel on February 9, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    Hi everyone,

    New here. What about a message taken from admiring a frog’s qualities?

    I’m going out with a frog-man on Friday. He’s much shorter than me, a bit arrogant and we have nothing in common, but he’s pretty good company.

    I’ve figured out his message to me: he plays several instruments and his music is lovely. He reminded me how much I used to love playing an instrument and that perhaps I should bring music back into my life.

    He’s also a great dancer.



  14.  #14Reshi on February 9, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    Mmmm…frogs. I’ve learned a ton from the ones who have showed up for me. Sometimes the lesson is “you don’t have to keep contacting them.” My first couple circular dates were incredibly awkward and the guys were very lame…and yet they were good practice. I learned that yes, I do need to be attracted to you for there to be any possibility of a relationship, and no, I don’t need to feel guilty about this. My third date, and the phonecalls and e-mails that came in around that time, I basically attracted a couple free career counselors. My fourth date, I got to feel what attraction felt like again…and now I just got an e-mail from one of the dating sites, from a man who is practically IDENTICAL to me. Ethnicity, spiritual beliefs, the fact that he has stepped away from his family’s religion to live his own truth…the similarities blew me away. I feel I HAVE to meet this man regardless of whether there’s any attraction (I felt very neutral about his pictures). It is certain to be incredibly interesting. It worries me that he’s a lot more educated and materially successful than I am, because I am afraid I will be judged for being where I am…but F it, this is going to be interesting no matter what happens.



  15.  #15heartbeat on February 10, 2009 at 12:58 am

    Reshi – do you judge yourself for having less education and money than him?



  16.  #16Ann on February 10, 2009 at 3:54 am

    I feel for me the message others bring is the possibility. The possibility to recognize and use which ever tool fits the moment. In this situation am I being authenic? Am I using feeling messages? Am I focusing on me? Am I building my self esteem up? Am I belittling myself or others? Am I trying to control the situation? How others feel or act?

    The possibilities are endless…



  17.  #17Flipper on February 10, 2009 at 4:14 am

    I feel that most men, no matter what they say or even think they believe in these modern, emancipated-woman days, don’t have any problem with being or feeling better educated, more famous and/or financially successful than the woman. In fact, I feel it’s more of a deal-breaker if she seems “better” somehow in these areas. It may be unconscious, but I feel it’s very powerful in determining their gut feelings. The ones that are very comfortable with a woman’s ‘superiority’ especially monetary often turn out to be users (lazy and clingy or manipulative to boot).

    This is not to say to not seek financial independence even wealth or ease, or recognition for your efforts and achievements. But stay with your Own criteria for success and don’t waste energy trying to fit into the traditional moulds for measuring that.



  18.  #18Flipper on February 10, 2009 at 4:26 am

    Fantastic, Ann and Reshi! Both your posts are bringing this all back to US, where it should be. If we are to use the tools, the frogmen provide the laboratory for testing and prototype development. Reshi, as usual your clairvoyance and concision are remarkable and your examples so telling and best of all, Encouraging. Ann’s questions are like a perfect summing up and User’s Guide in one!



  19.  #19Samat on February 10, 2009 at 5:14 am

    I wish Rori wrote another article with examples of messages from men with a few situations so it can become easier for me to spot the message and get working.



  20.  #20Kelly on February 10, 2009 at 9:16 am

    Hmmm… this is very interesting. I’ve had two dates with a man whom I thought was going to be amazing (before I met him). Not so much… I saw him last night, our second date, and he was basically bugging the crap out of me. These are the things that were triggers:
    1. He was trying too hard to be something he thought I wanted him to be… Not authentic, phoney, bull shitter.
    2. He wasn’t really listening to me at times, he can’t really look me in the eye.
    3. There was a BEAUTIFUL blonde woman at a table behind us and he was doing everything in his power to have an excuse to look behind him… ridiculous. I was looking at her too but he could have gone to the bathroom, gotten an eyeful, and been done with it already.
    4. I found out that he lied about his age… he’s really 3 (or more) years older than he said he was.
    5. I felt like he was using me for marketing information (we run in the same circles professionally).
    6. My intuition tells me he’s hiding things… he feels “slimey” to me.

    So what am I supposed to do with all of this info? If I portray myself to men this way then shoot me now! lol…
    In retrospect, I suppose seeing these things is important. If I do exhibit some of these qualities then I need to be aware of them and STOP! I feel like I act differently with different men… is that okay? When I’m with a man to whom I feel connected and attracted I feel more genuine and more “me”. When I’m with a man to whom I’m not so attracted I hold back and hide… I can FEEL this when I’m with these men. But if I don’t like them then why would I want to put the real me out there? I think I’m afraid to let them “fall in love” with me as Rori put it, because then I have to deal with them calling and asking me out when I don’t really want to see them. So does that mean that I have a communication problem? Is that the root of it all? I DO have a difficult time being honest when I don’t like a guy because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I have such a hard time with rejection myself so I hold back for fear that I’ll hurt someone else… So where does that come in to all of this? I know we’re supposed to LOVE ourselves but where do you draw the line in terms of other people’s feelings? UGH… I feel confused and scared and stupid. I love this immature, little girl side of me but she needs to grow up! Set me straight on this ladies… how do I get to the place where I love me more than I care about telling the TRUTH in confidence?



  21.  #21nir on February 10, 2009 at 9:50 am

    I’m so excited I had to come by and share what just happened.

    My husband has been IGNORING ME for almost a year, which is why I got over here. Anyway, I’ve been leaning back and using the tools in the blog, and listening to the Modern Siren. Whew, this stuff is hard to do for someone like me. Scary.

    Anyway, out of the blue, my husband just called to ask me out to lunch! I couldn’t go as I just got home from picking my sick son up from school, so he’s going to bring a sandwich home for me.

    This is someone who went from calling every day to not calling AT ALL unless it was business. Someone who told me point blank that we were ‘roommates’ and that ‘after the kids move out we’re done’.

    Something is changing … I’m just so happy that he called, and I told him I felt happy that he thought of me. It still feels weird and fake to say what I feel (even though it’s what I feel) but it seems to be working!



  22.  #22nir on February 10, 2009 at 9:56 am

    “how do I get to the place where I love me more than I care about telling the TRUTH”

    Kelly, I’m not good at this but it seems that if you love yourself you also would love to tell the truth. You can say the truth without being harsh or unloving to the guy. If you had a good time, say so. If you feel uncomfortable with something he says or does, say so.

    I know sometimes when I wonder if a guy likes me in a way I don’t like him I worry about it, and it makes me feel all weird about seeing him. Maybe you could say, “I worry that you like me [however you’re worried about him feeling], because I don’t feel the same for you.” Then he could say yes that’s how I like you or no that’s not, which the last would be sort of funny in an embarrassing way. But at least it would be out on the table and you could relax.

    Does that make sense?



  23.  #23adgirl25 on February 10, 2009 at 10:22 am

    I have the Commitment Blueprint but do not remember where you talk about the Dance Position. What section is that in…I have the CD, btw.



  24.  #24Reshi on February 10, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    Holy carp, Nir! That’s so awesome. I am so happy to hear that things are turning around with your husband. Makes me feel like I can also turn things around…with my next one, should I ever need to!

    Flipper, thank you for the compliment. It feels very interesting to be called clairvoyant. I’m living right now in a space where I’m starting to look more seriously into psychic phenomena, and beginning to be able to see and feel things I didn’t take seriously in the past.

    Heartbeat, ALL THE TIME. Probably 50% of my thought energy goes to judging myself for my lack of worldly success, and that’s a HUGE IMPROVEMENT over 6 months ago when it was closer to 99%. In school I felt that boys wouldn’t be interested in me because I was too smart, and now I feel they won’t like me because I’m not successful enough. It feels strange and scary and freeing to think that I am enough just as I am.



  25.  #25heartbeat on February 10, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    Well I think you’re fabulous, Reshi! It feels so good to be progressing together. 🙂

    I’m getting better at not judging myself too, in fact I feel elated at the moment – I have a feeling inside that I’ve never had before. It’s like a SHAPE – a round-edged square, a pale golden colour, and there’s a picture of me in it, but it’s not a frame. It’s a shape I breath into, and it’s impossible to make bad decisions for myself in there. My insecure old self is small in the background, in purple and green, no longer a clear image. It’s all just happened spontaneously but the effect on how I feel and the response I’m getting from my man is phenomenal! I feel less attached to him but respect him more.



  26.  #26heartbeat on February 10, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    Holy mackerel, Nir – I agree with Reshi!! 🙂 I feel excited for you.



  27.  #27Linda on February 10, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    A frog can be a great thing! YES… thanks for this post. There is no pressure with a Frog I can just be me. I dont have anything to loose and everything to gain. Things like practicing being relaxed, listening, making eye contact.. being irresitable (even if I dont want a thing to do with him). There is no pressure to be perfect (as I pressure myself). I think I can look at these frogs ( um guys!) differently.

    This is a great thing to consider, makes me feel so much lighter and even more energetic about my present situation… seeking MR right for me. THanks Rori !

    LINDA



  28.  #28Tracy on February 10, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    Linda,i totally agree with you…no pressure…i feel this is a really good way of looking a t guyz when circular dating..i feel my mind is a t ease when i do not have to judge how a guy really ease but instead just appreciate what he’s bringing foward…lean back enjoy the attention and as rori said..make him fall in love with you….
    since i started circular dating….i have so many guyz calling sometimes i feel scared i might not be able to keep up…i feel drained with all the attention and i feel excited about the new me…I am really improving myself and i love this new me i am becoming…
    i feel hopeful that i am in the right direction and i feel relieved that this posts depict me and my beliefs about how men should be viewed…i feel thankful for having found this blog..
    I still miss my guy from time to time but i feel like its slowly fading away and now i feel that he’s part of a huge ball in front of me ans there are other options opening up for me..it feels intriguing and exciting and also feels scary…i feel that i don’t have enough confidence with myself and i feel that i may fail again…i feel that i still need to work on my insecurities and lack of faith…i am after all still doing my baby steps…



  29.  #29cookie on February 10, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    so ladies, my question is it circular dating really the answer? i mean, i haven’t been attracting men at all right now which feel upsetting but i believe its because of the way i present myself to the world. which feels fine for me right now, because a large part of me is not ready. my guy is doing a little more leaning forward since i haven’t been calling him but he is still him in a lot of ways and some of my old shit starts kicking up.

    some of his actions and words are suspicious, but after really trying to use rori’s tools, i make as much effort as i can muster to not judge him, to lean a little more back, etc. i was afraid that maybe i shouldn’t try to move from my current location because of what i felt it meant in terms of ever having the relationship i want, but today i sent out the application, and i am truly praying that i get it. some parts of me feel like i need to speak my truth to him, that i’m afraid of the game playing, that i’m also afraid of being stuck with him and his ways, that i’m scared that he will not grow up, that maybe we’re toxic for each other, that maybe we should leave each other alone, that i think i want more than i believe i can get from him. i won’t say that of course. sometimes i feel that he feel these same ways, except that i think he is out in the world doing what he wants.

    i decided not to worry about it right now. i put my focus on other things, although sometimes it still bothers me that it is 7 years of feeling close and far, loved and unloved, pushed and pulled. but then i begin imagining other men and them loving me and it feels very wrong. very wrong and far away! but then i read over old things i’ve written and i see obsession and that scares me because i don’t want to be obsessed over any man. So i’m using this guy right now, this man that i’ve been with all this time, as my frog man. what is his message? his message seems to be to always focus on me. i think i want to commit to that right now. to focusing on me and making myself feel good even when i’m with him, so i can learn to do it. because my tendency is to focus on the man and stress myself out or not eat properly or not workout and then when the man leaves i have to play catch up to get myself back in order. so maybe that’s his lesson.

    but is circular dating the answer? really?

    and what about these good night talks, because i’m not good at them. my guy and i are on opposite schedules so most of our weekly connection is over the phone. how do we catch up with life when its feeling messages and leaning back. i really need some suggestions about this because i find that we talk shop and don’t make alot of romantic connections during this time and it feels like two old friends sometimes. which of course bothers me but how do i do it? someone help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1



  30.  #30Daria on February 10, 2009 at 11:28 pm

    I feel so angry. I’ve been feeling like this for days. I feel hot in my body, my head feels tense and I feel like I am going to get sick with all this. I am angry at myself for not being able to make any money, for being a loser and that’s about it. I feel so irritable with my mom, I just wanna yell my lips feel pouty, I feel irritable with men. I feel like my hormones are “off” and I’m going to sleep late everyday and waking up late. This anger feels unusual I feel STUCK. I feel ANGRY that my old friends aren’t calling me non-stop and offering to pick me up and take me out, I feel angry that clients aren’t materializing out of thin air for me, I Feel ANGRY that I am wasting my life and will never be successful, I feel upset and angry that everyday all I do is sit at the computer and AM NOT EVEN DOING ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    It felt good to keep pressing the exclamation mark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    HMGH… that feels like a sigh of relief. I WISH I HAD MONEY. I FEEL ANGRY I HAVE NO MONEY. I AM AN ANGRY PARASITE AND A A BUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IHATE MYUSELF!!!!!!!!!!

    I feel worried about my hormones and my irregular period…. I FEEEL ANGRY THAT I DON:T HAVE MONEY TO GO TO MY ACUPUNCTURIST, which is a LIE I DO, I could charge it to my credit card if I wanted to… I FEEL ANGRY THAT MY MOM IS CARING ABOUT MY BUSINESS NOW… even though I felt amazed and wanted her to help me now that she is I FEEL LIKE NOT EVEN WORKING ON IT ANYMORE. I WANT TO STARVE! I WANT TO BE HOMELESS> I WANT TO HAVE NOMOENY! EVER!!!

    I don’t know why these things are going on inside me but its ok. I want to release them somewhere so my floating journal seems like a good place. I FEEL ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR JUDGING SOME OF MY FRIENDS AS SLUTS, no wonder I judge myself like this and get to hear it from men. I want to feel better than them, because they make such unusual and seemingly self-destructive choices with men. I judge myself superior to them and I’m sure that reflects back on me.

    I FEEL SO ANGRY!!! I FREAKIN HAVE ISSUES!!!! I WANT TO HIT HIT HIT HIT HIT HIT HIT STUFF.

    I feel sad now. I feel sad and kinda disappointed. I feel pouty and want to go in a corner to be pitiful. I feel pitiful… I love my pitiful self. that feels like a small smile. I FEEL SO ANNNOYED HOW EVERYTHING FEELS LIKE AFUCKIN SMALL SMILE! LOL…. that feels funny…. and I am literally laughing out loud a little bit… ok now I feel all happy and good and smiling… loool. this is weird stufff



  31.  #31Daria on February 10, 2009 at 11:38 pm

    I WANT to feel financially successful. Even though I worry that that would mean I would be overworking and sick and would not be able to be on my own schedule. I want to feel happy and financially successful and Free!

    I want to feel acomplished. Even thought that would mean that I might not know what to do everyday, that I would have nothing to do, that there would be nothing left to accomplish and that I will find out that it didn’t do any good for other people like I want it to.

    I want to feel financially accomplished AND feel full of joy and feel inspired and FREE and intrigued by life.

    I want to have my business running, even though that would mean I would have to go to work on set hours everyday and would not be able to leave the country at the drop of a hat, I want to have my business running and feel Free! and feel comfortable and flexible in my schedule.

    Even though having my business running would mean I was helping some people that did not deserve it (???) and not helping underprivileged kids of people like I want to because there would be no moeny in that and I would feel like an evil sell out. I want to have my business running AND feel like I am doing the BEST for those I want to help and feel like I am changing the world for the better to the BEST of my abilities AND feel like I am making a Difference WHERE I WANT TO AND WITH WHO I WANT To and like I am living and moving towards my dream. I want to have my business running and feel fulfilled that I am doing the RIGHT thing and feel full of grace and joy.

    I love that it is ok to WANT whatever I want even with a million trillion qualifications to address my fears and doubts.

    I want to have my business running even though I know in the future I will want to do something else, and travel and I want to be able to do that WITH my business running and have that be an accomplishment and a legacy and help others by being able to employ my friends and people I want to help and being able to tutor people I want to help and being able to leave and leave it to others to continue knowing that everything is going wonderfully and feel appreciated by my clients and partners and BY MYSELF.

    I want to have my business running even though I am worried that partnering with others means I will get screwed and even though I worry that discounting stuff will mean I’m not valuing myself I want to feel valued and secure and be able to partner in a way that is mutually beneficial and full of goodwill and joy and creativity and happiness and laughter.

    I want to feel respected and honored and Worthy to MYSELF and my family, even though I feel I don’t deserve it if I don’t make any money I WANT TO FEEL THAT I DESERVE IT. I WANT TO FEEL RELIEF TAHT MAKING MONEY IS EASY AND FUN AND WILL NEVER BE A PROBLEM FOR ME AGAIN!!!!

    I Want to feel that making money is as easy as riding a bike, or even easier, and that even if I didn’t have two legs or arms I could still do it, that it is easy like reading.

    THANK YOU!!!!



  32.  #32heartbeat on February 11, 2009 at 12:11 am

    Linda & Tracy – hi five!! 🙂 totally with you there. Fab!



  33.  #33katja on February 11, 2009 at 1:24 am

    hello gorgeous ladies 🙂

    ok,things are turning around with my boyfriend and me…after those last rough days and a lot of leaning back he came towards me yesterday and apologized for his behavior and then he said one of the best things in a long time. he told me,that he loves me so much for being me,for being who i am and that he loves everything about me. i was wearing my hello kittie nightie and he said he absolutely adores me when i am wearing this,because its just me and he is just in love with everything about me. i felt so … WOW! i felt so special and totally confident and adored etc. then he couldn’t take his hands off of me… i felt connected again and that feels just amazing. there is still a lot of work to do and i am looking forward to the modern siren programm i am going to purchase this week (feel so excited!!!),but i wanted to share this with you.

    and i also feel very proud because i lost a total amount of nine pounds in six weeks and i am feeling much more confident in my skin now-there is still a lot of work to do in this area-but it’s just great to see how you get close to your goal baby-step by baby-step.

    and i do have a question also…when i am angry i noticed that most of the time i am angry at myself for letting a situation get that bad or for not being able to do something against the developing in a situation. when i am noticing that i am angry at myself i feel the anger but then it’s quickly away. is this the right way to do it or is this some kind of stuffing down? but i do always feel great afterwards.

    love to you all!
    katja



  34.  #34alias girl on February 11, 2009 at 1:46 am

    so often writing on this blog feels like writing into the void. at first that bothered me. then i came to feel ok about it. then it bothered me again. and now i feel ok with it. its not that people do or dont care. its that it doesnt matter to me if people do or dont care. do or dont relate to me. do or dont directly respond to me. whatever big whiff. heheh big whiff. anyway. im thinking about starting my own blog. i mean if im going to be writing into the void i might as well just really let loose and go on and on and on and on about myself which i apparently love to do as there is very little outlet in my real life for me to get the spotlight.

    anyway. i feel discouraged with this online dating bullshit. even as i just wrote that i am thinking about taking my profile down. they all seem like such loser /frogmen. i know that sounds mean. i feel angry. i am great and they are frogs. heeheeheee. half those men are just oh i cant even go on about it. and most of them i dont know. i just need to take my profile down bc its going to mess with my vibe.

    i feel like doing that. my new m.o. in life is to just do what i want. im going to go take my profile down. im great.



  35.  #35alias girl on February 11, 2009 at 1:59 am

    so i just went to delete my profile and there was an email from some guy i had emailed. i wasnt super interested in him but i got to the point that reshi had also reached and mentioned. and i was tired of just sitting around like a lady in waiting waiting for another frog to approach me. hehe. i am aggressively purposefully antagonistically using the label frog. i feel rebellious. frog frog frog. i hate frogs. anyway so now i am experimenting with being the initiator and emailing first. online is a GREAT place to experiment. very little consequences and then you can boldly go forth and use new skills in real life. at least that has been the case for me. i would date me. oh wait i do date me. i wish people liked me as much as i like myself.



  36.  #36alias girl on February 11, 2009 at 2:19 am

    i feel like my one ex. the one i was completely head over heels in love with. i feel like he left me looking for the bigger better deal. and now years later he comes knocking on my door. he didnt find his bigger better deal. and not that he really wants me back but i actually felt like a last resort. i feel pain in my heart about that. i know i could put a different spin on it but thats what i am choosing to think in this moment. so its easy to scratch him off my WHAT IF list. thanks for coming back buddy in such a crude and unromantic manner bc now i dont need to have a little antenna out for you for the rest of my life wondering WHAT IF.

    I feel a little over this romantic thing. i feel cynical. 🙁 i feel sad about that. i feel angry. what is my best asset? what do i truly have to offer in a relationship?

    ?

    i dont know. sex. compassion. empathy. space. attention. kindness. affection. companionship. authenticity. support.

    what would i like to receive? safety. ease. companionship. excitement. sex. compliments. appreciation (does that make me manly?) , acceptance, fun, the man’s authenticity



  37.  #37alias girl on February 11, 2009 at 2:38 am

    maybe i will try experimenting more with this being the initiator in real life. i have NOTHING to lose. i gave my number to that young guy who held my hand but never called. so what. im still alive. i didnt wither away and die. i emailed one guy and he wrote back Thanks for the message dot dot dot. ? wtf am i supposed to do with that? did i die? no im still alive. if nothing else it can be a fun game for however long it lasts. and bottom line all i really want is to stay amused so.

    anyway that’s what ROCKSTARS do. what? WHATEVER THEY WANT TO!

    when i say IM GREAT do i mean im the best? no. the best looking? hardly. the smartest? nope. the best catch? well for one guy maybe. the best body? oh i wish. the youngest? nope. the most successful? the richest? the funniest? what what makes me so GREAT?

    i just am. im great. IM THE GREATEST ME THAT’s ever lived!!!



  38.  #38katja on February 11, 2009 at 3:44 am

    alias girl-i felt inspired by your last comment to share this with all of you…

    the way i am handling my fears now…(i don’t know if this is the best way,but it works well for me)

    i am thinking about whats causing my fear (for example my fear of intimacy),i am feeling the fear in my body, then i think about what could happen in the worst case (for example getting hurt),then i think: so what,i won’t die,i can get over this,my life would go on even when i am getting hurt…so in the end the fear makes no sense anymore at all. (ok there is a lot of “think” in here,but it really works for me)

    i would like to hear what you think about this and i would like to hear rori’s opinion about my way to handle my fears.

    then i want to share another new insight which i just thought about…i was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom today and noticed that i have so much make-up and body lotions and fragrance standing around there, which i don’t use that often or not at all. i always thought “i am saving this for a special occasion” and that special occasion never came. so i thought: what if i just make every day to a special occasion for me and wear a bit of make-up and fragrance every day so that i feel special to myself? and i just began with that,wearing some make-up and fragrance at home and using some body lotion so that my skin feels smooth. same with clothes and jewelry. ok,i am not running around at home in an evening dress but also not in old sports pants anymore. i want to feel gorgeous every day,so whats been holding me back?! 🙂

    i feel so thankful for finding rori and her tools,i feel better every day. thank you rori!

    love and hugs to all of you!



  39.  #39Flipper on February 11, 2009 at 6:02 am

    Fabulous, Katja ! – I feel your way of handling your fears is perfect! You’re not stuffing them down at all. You’re acknowledging them and recognizing that they are YOUR fears, not something forced on you by others. So often we are convinced that our fears are the fault of outside factors – someone did us wrong, natural disaster or disease struck, or just ‘why is life so unfair when we don’t deserve it’. Those bad things that happen are only the pretexts that trigger OUR fears, which are only feelings and they only exist within us. ‘Only’, not like in without importance, but ‘only’ like Exclusively Within Us. But feelings are also transient, IF big IF we Acknowledge them and Feel them, THEY GO AWAY by themselves. Thus clearing the deck for the other feelings, the Good Ones. As you have found and so happily shared with us. Living proof that it works – I feel so tickled.

    I feel so happy you ‘stuck to your guns’. Actually, I hate that expression, guns being destructive arms meant to hurt. I was going to write that about the word ‘arms’ in general, when it suddenly hit me: Our feminine ARMS are like literal ARMS, NOT weapons – they embrace and stroke and care for, proffer and inspire love. By skilfully sticking to Your Womanly Arms – sharing your feelings, leaning back, even pulling away, And continuing to use your arms for what in your life actually deserves their tender attention (the first being yourself, of course) you have shown us all the way.

    I so hope all the women here will feel encouraged by how you inspired your man to Spontaneously manifest his love for you. Bask in your Power for Good, dear sister Goddess – I feel we can feel your vibes, too, and that feels so reassuring.



  40.  #40Flipper on February 11, 2009 at 6:22 am

    Cookie – I can feel where you’re coming from even tho’ my situation is a little different. I am out there , supposedly clear about wanting circular dating, but there aren’t too many takers. I may get all dolled up, do fun things that I enjoy immensely and put on a big smile, my Nasty Voices have actually gone so far as to put back on enough pounds that I can’t disguise with the most artful clothes (I call them my angry fat). I know it’s cuz inside, I still have doubts about myself, still haven’t felt a lot of what I’ve always considered it wrong to feel, or too scary-bad to go near. And even the frog men get that vibe from me.

    Another problem many of us have with circular dating reminds me of the woman who Feels she has to clean up her house before her cleaning lady arrives (even when her logic tells her how ridiculous that is!) Circular dating is not the Reward for getting our act together. It’s one of the basic tools, so YES, I feel it is the Answer, one of the bigs answers to getting our house (goddess sanctuary) in order.



  41.  #41katja on February 11, 2009 at 7:17 am

    flipper,thank you so much! your comment made me almost cry-i have tears in my eyes!

    here in germany it’s afternoon now and i had such a great day-i went out of the house,shopping with my daughter,bought some gifts for myself 🙂 and opened my purse for a homeless man who asked for money so that he could buy something to eat. i watched the people passing by and everyone said “no” to him and i first said “no” also but then i thought “thats not you who said no,thats just the nasty voice in yourself that told you not to give this man money because people would look at you if you gave him some”. so i stopped,turned around, smiled, gave him two big coins and wished him good luck. i felt great afterwards. this is me! i have always had such a big heart but in the past i didn’t allow myself to let my feelings lead my actions. now i feel so much more free,lighter,so much better. i honestly do not understand anymore what hold me back for so long,why i put such a big wall around me,why i didn’t allow myself to just be myself! wow,i feel like i am overflowing with feelings…anyone who experiences this too?

    just wanted to share something i saw today on the internet with you,too:
    i saw a video of actress salma hayek visiting africa and breastfeeding an african baby who was so hungry and who’s mother didn’t have milk anymore.she breastfed that little boy! and i was so deeply moved by that,i was sitting in front of the monitor and crying.

    ok,all this stuff has not that much to do with our struggle with men and relationships – but i just wanted to share this because i felt overwhelmed by all this.

    hope you all have a great day today!
    love to you all,
    katja



  42.  #42Daria on February 11, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    Hello my floating journal…

    today I woke up feeling hot again and still bad. I overslept again even though I went to sleep early I did the balancing exercises so I do feel a little better. I also did some meditation and thought about my guy friends and how good I used to feel with them. I did some EFT’ing on feeling grieved and lost and left out. Honestly since I was 5 all I want is people to call me or come to my house to ask me to come outside and “play.” When I had that the past 7 years for the first time in a long time I was feeling so blessed. Then the past few years our group has been disintegrating and now with me leaning back it seems like that is gone forever. I know it sounds “juvenile” to some people. I don’t care. That is what makes me happy or at least one major thing that makes my heart sing. I don’t think I will ever “get over it.” Now I want to practice more of picturing it so I can attract it again like I did before.

    I am wanting to hop countries and start over. I feel like I want to live in Brazil for about 2 years, I’ve been feeling like this for a long time. Maybe that’s why I am losing my network and connections here.

    Then one of my guy friends called me. I am thinking of going out in that neighborhood today so it’s good that he called me. I also saw a missed call from my God-sister but I feel annoyed that she wants me to pick up a talking pen for my God-son to recharge on my computer. Actually I do not feel annoyed about that, I just am imagining her asking me with attitude if I’m coming out. Of course she could be calling for something different or have no attitude but it seems I have some issues in my relationship with her as well. She is a strong angry personality and I want to be that too.
    Sortof. In the good qualities.

    I feel sad that my old LI is not contacting me, because he was like the “hub” of all our friends. Hanging around him I would be sure to run into some people it seems. I feel jealous that people always want to be around him and visit him. And they come hang out in front of his house which is fun and the trees smell great. I wish that was happening with me, although of course part of me would be horrified because I feel terrified having my friends around my parents because I assume my parents would be judgemental and unwelcoming. So I have always prevented that by having no one ever come over.

    UHHH… I feel like my hormones are doing this to me. And I want to go to acupuncture to my old acupuncturist although I feel a little bit weird and intimidated because I brought my God-sister to him and he said she could die and scared me the way he said it so I feel like he will judge me like why do you have a friend that is so sick (which doesn’t totally make sense – but feels true to me anyway). And I think he was a better and less expensive acupuncturist than my newer one.

    Or… I could use the money to pay one of my bills instead of having to borrow from my parents again which has sometimes led to arguments and being told I should be ashamed of myself which I already feel plenty ashamed of myself and (LOVE THAT) thank you tools for jumping in right now.

    I have my one student/client today and I will be getting paid so that will be just enough to pay some bills and maybe go to the acupuncturist. I am having not good thoughts like right now someone said in my head “my life is not worth living.” Gee Willikers.

    I wish someone would sent me a large amount of money, like over a thousand dollars, no strings attached and it would feel good too.

    I wish someone would offer me some free EFT or energy healing over the phone and it would work!

    I wish I would meet a woman I respect that I would be friends with and could talk to and hang out with and go out with and laugh too.

    I wish my guy friends would call me wanting to come get me to come out, drive here to pick me up and drive me back when I wanted to and had fun stuff for us to do like go to bars and clubs or even just hang out outside someone’s house or inside the house playing videogames.

    I wish I would have some friends whose company I enjoyed that wanted to go to Brazil with me and even paid for me to go.

    I feel embarassed a little ashamed and foolish about my wishes. I want to feel proud, confident and sparkly about them.



  43.  #43alias girl on February 11, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    so now i’ve given myself permission to initiate contact with any of the guys on my online dating site. and i’m still not interested in them. i haven’t emailed anyone since the two from last night. the message is?

    i am not that interested in the average man. and im ok with that. plus ALL men online scare and repulse me so i have to factor that in as well. so online can be nothing more for me than practice and taking dares. i will simply have to meet my man (and future circular dates) in real life. i feel ok about that too.

    regarding fear. anything i can do to eliminate fear from my way of being i am all for it. fear is the root of all evil.



  44.  #44cookie on February 11, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    Thanks Flipper for responding,

    I feel connected and in agreement to what you said about cleaning the house before the cleaning lady comes. That image feels so right and real to me. I always said that i didn’t want a man that just loves me for my body but when my body is not right I have a hard time even loving myself. then my world is filled with If onlies, and As soon as… but honestly i don’t worry about getting perfect for mr right cuz my mr right will love me even if my stomach is not flat. and while i’m working on getting fit and getting my self esteem back in order, i can date guys that like me whereever i’m at. just maybe.



  45.  #45cookie on February 11, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    ladies, i still need help with the Good Night Talks!!!!



  46.  #46Daria on February 11, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    Hmmm… I don’t know exactly what I can say about goodnite talks.

    I guess they don’t much help you catch up on life. It’s more like feeling message + silence.

    I don’t worry about it too much just try to catch myself if I feel I’m in a leaning forward position physically and lean back. A lot of times when I feel good and talking excitedly I am leaning forward… I think that may be good since it feels good and may be like a “passion story.”



  47.  #47alias girl on February 11, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    i feel BRAVE AND DARING! hah. i am not to be deterred. no sir. i am emailing more men. i will find men i find attractive and i will email them. i do not care if it’s not leaning back. I AM EXPERIMENTING! My whole life i have waited around for the man. well i am experimenting with taking things into my own hands. i am experimenting with my boy energy in the initial phase of dating. although it might be a little like bait and switch if i then decide i really want to be the girl. but i don’t care. i am experimenting and i FEEL GOOD about that. plus it’s online where i have low to no expectations anyway. hah. i actually feel POWERFUL. maybe i should just be the boy energy? maybe that’s truly who i am? i don’t know but will probably know more by experimenting and trying something new. plus this feels EXCITING. waiting on frogs. not so much.

    i do not truly think any man is a frog. it’s just the term got tossed in here and for some reason it amuses me to use it. it’s possible i’m being antagonistic. if i discover that is my motivation i will apologize.



  48.  #48Reshi on February 12, 2009 at 12:20 am

    I feel tired and overwhelmed. So many wonderful things have been said in the comments here but it would hurt my brain to go back and try to reply to them. I came home from work and literally went on an eating binge–I swear to Goddess, I ate everything in sight. Blueberries, leftover birthday cake, a sandwich, broccoli soup, and tea. @_@ And I don’t feel bad about myself, I was starving and *most* of the food was healthy.

    I feel like I come home these days always tired and hungry and still having a million things to do. Nice men have e-mailed and called me and I’m ignoring them because I need my rest. I traded in my sophisticated yet WAY too heavy messenger bag for a completely unsexy fanny pack and it feels so f’ing good to walk around hands free and unencumbered. It feels so f’ing good to be able to just break into a run in the middle of downtown just because I feel like it. I love the feeling of physical freedom SO much. This seems off-topic but it really isn’t, because the old bag was knocking my body off balance so that I was ALWAYS physically leaning forward when I walked anywhere. And since I walk a lot, it bothered me that I was being forced to lean forward for an hour out of every day. I feel a lot more grounded, centered, and sexier now–fanny pack and all!

    As for men…frogs or not… F ’em. I don’t feel I have room for them in my life right now. If I look underneath that, I still feel a little annoyed that they aren’t just dropping everything to be with me…I still feel a little annoyed that my husband isn’t coming back after me even though the only reason I want him to is so that I can tell him off! But I hardly have enough time and energy to keep myself in good health and happy and moving towards my goals, it feels so overwhelming right now. I want to feel calm and peaceful, like I have all the time in the world, like I don’t have to strive or plan or Do anything–like the Divine is just dropping hints and directions from the sky and all I need to do is follow them. I want to feel like my mind is clean and clear enough to receive said directions. And I have something in my head pulling at me…listening to it…it’s a financial detail that I need to straighten out, it’s the actual filing for divorce that I haven’t been arsed to do yet. And I feel resentful that I’m the one who has to handle that–but then, it also feels better for me to be the one handling it. It feels like freeing myself. What else…I feel tired. I don’t think I’m going to Riff my way out of that one, I’m going to bed. Good night <3



  49.  #49alias girl on February 12, 2009 at 12:32 am

    so my new plan is to initiate! in real life and fake online world too! i am going to initiate conversations, flirting, giving my phone number. (i’m not going to ask if they want my number. i’m just going to give it to them they can throw it back in my face for all i care. i am going to initiate with what i consider to be high quality, attractive yummy guys.

    even if i get rejected i honestly feel like this will raise my godess level. plus i think i can be charming enough to at least have one or two of them take an interest. is this to find my dream man? no. this is not for that either. this is the opposite side of the coin in the same tool of



  50.  #50alias girl on February 12, 2009 at 12:38 am

    circular dating. i am going to have so many men in my rotation i will not have time to worry about feeling rejected. YES! ah i am renewed in enthusiasm for circular dating. yae! this will be fun! rejection and all. something has shifted in me. and it happened today. i felt it little by little all day. shift shift shift shift. like a chiropractic adjustment has taken place within my being. i feel good. i feel excited. i feel hopeful. and oddly enough it’s not about finding the one. it’s not about any of my exes. (well less so) it’s actually about being DARING! and not caring what people think of me. hah! talk about feeling free. i love rori and her tools and her amazing amount of patience and compassion for people wherever they are at. and i love all the beautiful goddesses on this site who share their souls. 🙂



  51.  #51heartbeat on February 12, 2009 at 12:51 am

    Hey Alias Girl, you GO girl 🙂 🙂 !!!! X



  52.  #52heartbeat on February 12, 2009 at 12:56 am

    I feel excited reading Alias Girl’s post. I remember feeling this spirit of adventure in dating. It’s part of me now, it’s a source for me. I tap the its energy when I want it, for whatever reason not necessarily just in relationships. It feels great!



  53.  #53alias girl on February 12, 2009 at 1:15 am

    yes! it’s like i just opened up the world of dating for myself. it was like my withholding/scarcity mentality was being mirrored back to me in my dating. and i said NO. THIS IS MY life. if i want something i am going to avail my self. (right word?) and now i’m seeking out all the cutie pies and emailing them! heehee so fun! are they perfect men, no. but i am interested in finding out more. i am interested in practicing with them. i love it! and everything rori has been saying about circular dating suddenly makes sense and i have all these tools i get to practice (with enthusiasm) and also i get to let go a little. like it’s ok if everything i write isn’t feeling message. and i can just experiement with how to be my most authentic open self. 🙂 yae!



  54.  #54alias girl on February 12, 2009 at 1:58 am

    i am going to stir up a FLURRY of men. who has time to think about rejection or what is he thinking or what did he mean by that or how does he think of me or am i the only one or will i end up with this one or that one— who has time to think of any of that when you are standing in a flurry of men you are curious about??? aal kinds of men. mechanics and doctors and musicians and grad students . so much to be CURIOUS about. and since i picked em there is some level of attraction no matter how slight. it’s enough to keep moving forward in my new little fun way of circular dating. although already one guy was all girl like and leaning back. i wrote him back and said i like when guys take the lead but if he likes when girls take the initiative i was willing to experiment with that. EXPERIMENT. THAT’s the name of my new adventure! though he was the least of them i was attracted to even from the get go. i think i can just sense girley men. or some guys aren’t girly they’re just lazy and selfish. whatever. i am curious about a flurry of men.



  55.  #55Reshi on February 12, 2009 at 9:23 am

    Heehee, Alias Girl, I did the initiating thing for a while online. I felt it was worth doing, I met a lot of interesting men! Plus, once you’ve gotten a few in the rotation you can lean back from all of them and see which ones keep pursuing. 🙂



  56.  #56jat on February 12, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    Rori, this is such a good post. I really think it’s important not to label men as frogs. I feel bad every time I see women doing it. A frog to one of us is certainly a prince to another woman, which means he’s actually a prince, and not a frog at all.

    This type of thinking makes me feel good. The other type of thinking makes me feel bad. This type of thinking makes me feel good because it means that every man I meet is actually a prince. He might not be MY prince, but he’s still a prince.

    Examples of messages I’ve gotten recently from men in my circular dating pool:

    ~ I’m lovable
    ~ I’m beautiful
    ~ I turn them on
    ~ I make them feel good (and that makes me feel good)
    ~ I can get good advice from a man I’m not interested in
    ~ I can appreciate a man I’m not interested in for his good qualities
    ~ He can teach me something new
    ~ I am learning to feel good even when he doesn’t turn me on
    ~ I’m good at what I do for a living

    Thanks Rori!



  57.  #57Linda on February 12, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    If we keep attracting frogs… are we hanging out around the wrong pond?

    The pond I am fishing in has unresponsive frogs. The ones that contact me are either old geizer frogs or… they are scammers. I am noticing a wierd pattern. The ones that send me an email want to chat on yahoo or such and come on tooo strong!. They are not real. By the way this is a site that has been mentioned was a good one to join to meet great canidates. Um I am becoming disillutioned.

    Oh the one fellow I met that real.. was a bore. Will someone remind me what I am learning beside how to spot the ones that are out there to prey on you. (I guess that is a step in a good direction.) I wonder if I have an invisible sign on me that says nieve? NOT…

    Ladies if you have any direction for a good pond to sit by and fish let me know.

    Linda



  58.  #58Reshi on February 12, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    Linda, hang in there! It’s not the wrong pond–that’s exactly what this post is about! The geezer frogs and the scammer frogs do have a message, they are there for you to practice on. My first online dating experience was on a terrible site–total players, couldn’t spell, sent me pornographic pictures on the first e-mail…and I did eventually jump to another pond (actually 3). I’ve been consistently on Yahoo and Match since December and what I’ve found is that there will always be freaks, geeks, and losers contacting me. But as time goes by and I practice–ignoring the losers, responding with Feeling Messages, noticing whether I feel good or bad about certain men, and constantly revising my profile every time my standards go up or something else about me changes–it opens the door for better men to contact me.



  59.  #59alias girl on February 12, 2009 at 8:00 pm

    yes linda hang in there. for me i was willing to just blunder my way through it. in the beginning i was constantly triggered (this was when i first tried online years ago and also before rori’s tools) but like reshi says pay attention to how you FEEL. if it feels awful then maybe not continue to allow that man access to you. that’s the gift, you know. if they treat you well they get the pleasure of your goddess company. otherwise they can find some other woman who has not yet discovered rori and is willing to be used or abused. i’ve used plenty of fish and also match. i noticed the type of guy i attracted had alot to do with where i was at in my phase of learning and becoming goddeessy. i was willling to suffer the slings and arrows of unfortunate frog behavior. i was willing to be triggered. to cry and be hurt. to be aghast at some men’s behavior. riff riff riff riff if you have to. you WILL come out to a better place (and pond) even while still in the same waters you were in before.

    also the experience is great for drawing boundaries. i won’t IM men. i just don’t . if they ask me for more pictures i tell them i don’t feel comfortable with that. or i tell them i feel confused or curious why they need more pictures. i don’t give my phone number out til i feel ok about it. if they offer theirs before i’m ready i say thank you i appreciate it but i don’t feel ready to be on the phone with them yet. you will get better at Quickly spotting a blech situation.

    and always remember. THERE ARE ALWAYS MORE MEN! so don’t be afraid to experiment or make mistakes or draw boundaries. xoxo 🙂



  60.  #60alias girl on February 12, 2009 at 11:44 pm

    plentyoffish.com or match.com just in case that wasn’t clear. for me right now i’m just trying to get a circular date thing going.. some guys drop off qucikly. either they respond by saying “that’s funny.” and i just have no response to that. oh ok. that’s not a way to keep an email conversation going nor is it indicative of much of a pursuit. so some of these men i initiate with are going to be soft girley leaning back froggy men. (i’m sorry i actually am using the word frog in an antagonistic manner. i don’t even believe men are frogs. men are people. we’re all doing the best we can. but i just feel like saying it. frog frog frog frog.)

    but i am just going to keep pulling them in. in real life. in online world. one goes another comes in. there is so little of that ARE YOU THE ONE energy so much easier for me to accept everyone at face value. i am learning. it feels good.



  61.  #61heartbeat on February 13, 2009 at 12:36 am

    Chanel – that’s a beautiful story about the man and the music! – feels quite romantic even thought he isn’t your prince. And yes – of course a man can bring messages of this kind, as if from some other place outside of us both.

    Jat – thank you too, your gorgeous list feels so good! A whole platter of surprises in store.



  62.  #62heartbeat on February 13, 2009 at 12:40 am

    Katja – reading your news, it’s like the whole world is opening up. I feel excited and joyful!



  63.  #63heartbeat on February 13, 2009 at 12:40 am

    I’m lovin’ all the comments – what a journey we are on together. Thank you. XXXXXXX



  64.  #64alias girl on February 13, 2009 at 1:03 am

    also though linda. i took myself off line if i got into too bad a vibe bc it just wasn’t good for anthing. it wasn’t good for my attitude. it wasn’t good for attracting quality men. it wasn’t good for my energy.

    and then at one point i just stopped the whole idea of trying to circular date. i just soley focussed on myself. dating myself. loving myself. tweaking as many aspects as i could of my life so that my liofe was a pleasing reflection and a really nice place to beebop aroind in. like ah yes, this is my life. i can do this or do that. i can take a bath or worlout or read a book or go a an excursion in the city that i had always wished a man would take me on. or spend time in my new hobbies. or wander around an area i like. or experiment with different styles of outfits and maybe be daring and wear something that is more true to who i am. and slowly slowly i started to open back up to the idea of circular dating.

    heres a fun activity. make a list of don’t do’s. these are all the things you are not doing in your life that will actually bring you to your next level. this is an idea of the person you are refusing to become. ie. one of my don’t do’s is i don’t take the final steps in getting my online business going. i mean i do have reasons (excuses?) like i don’t have the money together. i don’t know how i will find distribution for my product so i am hesitant to put it on amazon without knowing that info. etc.

    i have a whole list of don’t do’s. it was an interesting exercise for me.



  65.  #65Linda on February 13, 2009 at 4:53 am

    THanks Ladies. I am on match and e harmoney. Nothing happening on the latter at all! Match is where I am getting approached by scammers. The real fellows just ignore. Wanting more pics calling me babe and angel. Sheesh how fake. I had one last nite email and ask to chat on yahoo. I offered to IM on the match site but he refused. Then he said babe I am not sure how that works… I sent back an email and said I changed my mind I didnot feel like talking to you. AND.. I AM NOT YOUR BABE ! That felt good.

    Linda



  66.  #66Mercedes on February 13, 2009 at 10:23 am

    Ok…I’m new here and this is a long story but bear with me and I promise I’ll come full circle at the end.

    I’ve been dating a man for about 3 years now and things have been wonderful…no so wonderful…wonderful…not so wonderful (you get the message). Anyway, recently, he decided he liked his video games more than he liked me (or that’s certainly the perception I got). I was leaning back on the couch and reading my book while he played his games. At first, it was comfortable…we had our own space (important to both of us) while being in the same room. Then, I felt the shift. He would no longer lean over and rub my leg or ask for a kiss during a break in the game, wouldn’t get up to kiss me if he was already playing when I got home, etc. When I would try to talk to him I got “mmmhmm” or “yeah” and could tell he wasn’t even listening to me.

    So…a few weeks ago, I decided I was no longer happy or feeling good about the “space in the same room” thing and simply leaning back was no longer working. So…I signed up for a cooking class and sent him a txt one night letting him know I would be late. I went to the class and when I got home, he asked me what took me so long. I told him and he seemed happy about it (maybe even a little relieved). Did I let this discourage me?? NO. I continued to go to the class and was open (to friendship…I am committed to my boyfriend) to the men in the class (but was honest about being in a relationship whenever anyone asked me).

    Anyway, one of the men in class wanted to know if I would be interested in getting a cup of coffee with him the following evening. I don’t find this man physically attractive but we do have an intellectual connection that makes him fun to be around. I made it clear that I didn’t want to “date” him but if it was simply a friendship (ummm…no benefits) he was after, I would love to have coffee (I mean…it sure beat sitting home feeling lonely on a couch right next to my boyfriend). So…the next evening, I got all pretty…I was as pretty as I could make myself and really felt sexy and awesome. My boyfriend asked me where I was off to looking so good. I told him. He sort of freaked out a little but eventually said if this was just a “friend” then could he join us. I told him I was uncomfortable introducing him to my friends right now because he was so involved in whatever it is that’s going on with him that he has trouble having a conversation with even me. I told him I felt he would be uncomfortable but certainly when he “came back to the world” I would love to introduce him. But…for tonight…I was going alone. He, of course, said he would do it and he was sorry, etc, etc, etc but I assured him I would be back and I left (looking all sexy and good).

    I had a great time with my new friend (who really is just a friend) and my boyfriend sent me three txt messages while I was gone. Because I think it’s very rude to do so, I didn’t check my messages over coffee. As soon as I left, I checked them. One of them said “I would love to take you to dinner tomorrow night. R U free?”. I responded with “but of course. I would love that! c u in a bit” and I went home. As soon as I walked in, I got a HUGE kiss and a hug. He told me he was sorry he hurt me and I told him I hadn’t reached the point of being “hurt” yet, but I was certainly feeling very lonely. He said he was sorry again and I responded with “thank you”. That night, he held me in bed all night long. When I would move, he would move with me. I never left his arms…if I did, he would pull me back in.

    The next night, I looked just as sexy when I had dinner with my boyfriend. We talked and laughed like old times. When we got home, he asked me about the man I had coffee with. I told him the truth. I had been missing conversation with a man. He and I weren’t talking and I met someone who WAS interested in what I had to say and in talking and laughing with me. I told him I thought this man and I could truly be friends but did want the two of them to meet (just so there was no fear of anything further happening in either of their minds).

    They’ve met since then and like each other. My boyfriend and I still do the video game/reading books night but it’s down to once a week if that. Instead, we watch a movie in each other’s arms. We’re BACK!

    So…what does this have to do with Rori’s blog? Well…two things really:

    1. I met a man who would be considered by me a “frog” if I didn’t have the right attitude but let him in, made a friend, and without trying or manipulating either of them, I allowed him to let my boyfriend fix our relationship.

    2. Funny thing is, my boyfriend and I both like frogs (strange, I know). We buy each other little plastic frogs as gifts, etc. Our favorite saying is “Kissing a frog in the hopes of finding a prince is a total waste of a completely good frog” and…we call each other “Frog” and “Frogette”.

    So…I had to comment….



  67.  #67Rori Raye on February 13, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Mercedes – Welcome – and Thank you for your great testimonial for Circular Dating! Love, Rori



  68.  #68heartbeat on February 13, 2009 at 10:48 am

    I love that story, Mercedes! I like the way you were able to say you felt lonely and missed talking to a man, it feels so honest, and your boyfriend responded so amazingly 🙂



  69.  #69Mercedes on February 13, 2009 at 11:02 am

    Thanks Rori!

    Heartbeat: He did respond amazingly. As I said, we’ve had our times when things are not so wonderful. I walked away from him at one point and he begged me to come back. It took a long time and a lot of internal work on my part (and his) before I agreed to do that. When I did, we had a long talk about what I wanted and needed in a relationship and what I would and would not put up with (my boundaries). I told him that I was going to take responsibility for my own happiness. I would not put up with being unhappy ever again. If he did something to “make” me unhappy, it was MY responsibility to fix that, not his…and I told him straight out that when I took responsibility to fix it, that would probaby mean walking away…could be minutes, could be hours, could be days, could be forever….but that I would do whatever I needed to do to be happy. As long as I’m happy with him and he’s happy with me, we can be in each other’s lives but the second I’m not feeling good…I will fix it in whatever way I need to.

    So…yes…it was very honest, but I warned him…told him straight up this would happen. If he had any doubts about my strength before, I’ll bet he doesn’t now! :o) And I LIKE that! Makes me feel powerful but in a very feminine kind of way. He’s not responsible for my happiness, but if he wants to share a life with me, he’ll do whatever he can to try to make me happy anyway. He knows that…and he’s stepping up to it. He pulled away for a bit there but as soon as I walked away, he stood up and paid attention. I will do it again tomorrow if I have to and he’s just jealous enough to know that it is possible I could find someone I’d rather be with. He knows he could lose me…that’s the key…he knows it and doesn’t want it to happen.



  70.  #70katja on February 13, 2009 at 11:37 am

    mercedes-welcome here and i love your story! great! i wonder if i should just do the same…

    btw i feel so exited! just ordered my modern siren program today!

    rori,i have one question for you. is there a possibility to do something like circular dating or something with the same effects when you are having a baby to take care of? do you know what i mean? i can’t date other men and take the baby with me. and at the moment i do not have the possibility to take classes or something like that where i would meet other men. hope you can help me with that!

    thank you so much!



  71.  #71Mercedes on February 13, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    Katja: I know Rori will respond, but a little advice from me is ok I hope? YES! Regardless of what your situation is, you should circular date. Remember, my first “date” was with ME. I took the class to date myself! The second “date”, I just happened to have the company of a man, but…there was NOTHING stopping me from having a cup of coffee with ME. You don’t have to join a class…sit in a cafe and have a coffee (smile and talk to anyone who you might have an opening to do so with) and by all means, take your baby. A real “date”…you’ll probably want to get a sitter, but a circular “self date”…take the baby. You can date yourself and be open to men in ANY situation (ever go to a grocery store…lol) with or without the baby along. It’s about the vibe you put out. Are you open to conversation and looking around and smiling at others, or are you truly alone (meaning unapproachable). Had I not had the cooking class, you can bet I was close enough to losing it that I would have come home late due to a date with myself at my local bookstore or gym. I couldn’t stand being lonely anymore. If it happens again…I will NOT wait so long! 🙂

    I wish you the BEST!!



  72.  #72katja on February 13, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    thank you mercedes,you are right. i didn’t consider simply going out into the world as dating myself. i already do this and practice smiling at people,just being open and talking to people. and it feels great!

    all the best to you,too,mercedes!
    (btw you have a beautiful name,is it your real name or a nickname?)



  73.  #73Mercedes on February 13, 2009 at 1:30 pm

    It’s real. It was my mother’s dream car (maybe still is). Yes…I was named after a car…lol (she’s kind of a free spirit) 🙂



  74.  #74Reshi on February 13, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    Aaaahhhhh!!! Mercedes, I LOVED your story. THAT is the way it’s supposed to happen. But with me, it didn’t happen that way, and I feel angry.

    What’s wrong with me that I can’t turn things around in a relationship like Mercedes did? I feel angry and defective and hopeless and sad. And at the same time I feel happy for Mercedes–and jealous! I want to be so strong and so DESIRABLE that men fall all over themselves to make me happy. But I’m scared to walk away. I’m always scared to walk away. I’m scared to get involved because it might mean having to walk away. I have a date tonight with a man I really like and I might have to walk away from him someday.

    I want to feel so happy and complete within myself that I never need to be afraid to walk away from anyone–without giving any reason or excuse–or WITH expressing a reason authentically with feeling messages.

    That would feel like the neglected garden inside me is now being watered abundantly, and bursting into bloom under that loving care. Wow. I really have neglected myself for several weeks–ive done a lot, and found out a lot of things about where I want to go in the future–a LOT of things, and it’s given me such a wonderful, clear direction…but I feel alienated and disconnected from myself, even having chosen a goal that’s completely in harmony with myself.

    Wow. So that’s what was lurking under the surface all these days I couldn’t be arsed to Riff.



  75.  #75katja on February 13, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    mercedes – yes,i also thought about the car 🙂 it’s a beautiful name for a beautiful girl 🙂 i once met a girl with the same name and now i wonder what happened to her…

    and i feel also a bit jealous that you could turn things around so fast and with so much effect (but i am happy for you!). i am still struggling with my self-esteem. but i am looking forward to receiving my modern siren program soon and working with it and seeing results fast.



  76.  #76Mercedes on February 13, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    It’s all about confidence girls! When you believe inside of you that you deserve to be cherished…you will be cherished. This man of mine turned around quickly because when I told him what I was doing and where I was going, I smiled. I was confident and HAPPY and he had no part of that confidence and happiness and that scared the crap out of him. You see, when a man knows you are happy without him, he’ll do just about anything to be the one to make you happy.

    Let me put it to you this way. Your man is sitting on the couch scowling at whatever. You, on the other hand are in the kitchen smiling and singing along to your favorite song. He might say “what are you so happy about?” and if you can HONESTLY (key here is honesty…no faking this stuff) tell him that you did something or went somewhere or talked to someone and you’re still smiling about it…he’ll eventually go insane with jealousy. When my man is cranky, I’m no where to be found. I will NOT be in a bad mood with him and it’s really hard for him to be in a bad mood by himself in one room while I’m dancing and singing in the kitchen by myself. He wants to be the one to make you smile. He does NOT want it to be some guy at work or a man who said something funny to you in the grocery store, etc.

    Works like a charm girls! Confidence and making yourself happy is the KEY to having it ALL! 🙂



  77.  #77Daria on February 13, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    URRGH I feel like I CANNOT make myself happy. I am asking myself to climb a mountain and slay a dragon and it’s jsut TOO MUCH for me to DO. And everyone else seems to think doing this is the only thing that makes one worthy of respect and happiness. I feel like I HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO… I feel so pressured. I feel like I have to be able to care and provide for myself and am unable to, that it is very hard and like crawling through barbed wire and you just iwll not make it without getting hurt a lot and losing health and blood.

    I HATE that I am obviously not good enough to be an adult, that people can look at me and shake their head in bad judgement of me and that the only thing that I can do is WISH I could would were SOMEONE else who was able because I DO NOT want to sacrfice what “every other person” sacrificies, AND I Feel like I am a lazy LAZY LAZY person, a drain on my family and society… and those words sound familiar. People kill lazy people because they are hurting people. I feel like me being myself and doing what makes me happy HURTS other people. I feel like a burden and a burden that I don’t carry myself, probably couldn’t carry myself, and wouldn’t enjoy carrying myself, a burden that would crush me or at least make me suffer. I feel like I am a burden that makes me suffer? That is drastic. I feel absolute disgust and anger at myself and feel like kicking myself if I were a big blob that just kept eating. UGh i feel such ANGER and disgust and I want to STOP right now and do a tool.

    Although I feel anger and disgust at you BLOB, I want to love you. Because it is a tool, and I trust the tool, and because you are part of me and I am committed to loving myself. Thank you Blob. Thank you for being here. I give you a big hug, even though my clothes come back from that stained and oily, I want to give you a hug. I feel disgusted and nauseous Blob. I want to give you this rose. Thank you for being part of me. I want to be your friend and I am in charge here, thank you. Would you be able to help me be more whole? Thank you if yes. Thank you. I feel so disappointed Blob. I feel disappointed and judgemental looking at you. Tahnk you Blob. I feel so ashamed of myself for being so judgemental, and I feel so scared and grossed out still! I want to love all of me Blob! I feel so sad Blob. I feel like my head is hanging down and my arms are hanging by my sides. Thank you Blob. I feel hopeless, energy less. My Blob shrank down into a muscle guy that is cute and gave me a hug but it does not make me feel all that better. I only am saying I KNOW things are not going to get better so I feel upset I don’t want to enjoy your hug, I don’t want to enjoy the present moment, I just want to feel sad and disappointed. This part of me wants to feel sad and disappointed. Hi sad and disappointed part of me. This is Ayla, my stranger, and she is a little cleaner and dusty and not swampy, just tattered and dusty and head down and unresponsive, no slime. Hi Ayla, and she waves hi but not lifting her head. I give her a hug and she is limp in my arms. She is like a scare crow and light and I feel SO WORRIED about her, I KNOW she will never really be able to help herself, she is like a 80 pound heroin addict and I want to love her. I Want to love her and I feel pity, and desperation, and gloominess around her. And I want to give her this rose, and she takes the rose and she smiles and lifts her head and is ahppy. And I still feel SCAREd that she will go back to being sad, and I want to aks if you will help me be more whole Ayla? And she has dropped back to bent over and she nods. Thank you. And now I am going back up to the surface LOL.

    Thank you. All of myself.



  78.  #78Ann on February 13, 2009 at 7:25 pm

    Mercedes, welcome. You have some fantastic knowledge to share thank you. I hope to read more from you.

    BTW Mercedes isn’t a name you here too often. I have a cousin by that name.



  79.  #79katja on February 13, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    i also do struggle with that confidence part. i try to focus on myself but i have problems with that. maybe its because i am living together with my boyfriend and i am most of the time at home with the baby. i do only have one girlfriend in my city and i struggle with making new friends,especially during this stage of my life when i am most of the time at home with the baby. i feel so hurt when my boyfriend comes home late because he was visiting friends or his family. i want to be his number one! at the moment it is so hard for me to focus on myself and make myself happy. maybe its because i am kind of waiting for results.

    sometimes i don’t know what to do with myself. i made a list with things i like to do for myself yesterday but i have to force myself to do them. what is wrong with me that i am falling back to my old patterns? i also made a list yesterday with things i like about myself but i didn’t find that much. and i feel bad about this.

    i feel so bad today,kind of sad and unhappy and unloved. it’s like i tapped into a self-pity-trap. i am beating myself up inside for not being that successful with changing myself and gaining confidence.



  80.  #80Kelly on February 13, 2009 at 11:49 pm

    Oh Daria,

    You are so lovely and authentic and perfect… just the way you are. My heart feels heavy for you and it feels suffocated for you and trapped for you. YOU have choices my darling… your life may not change overnight but baby steps will get you to where you want to go. You MUST believe in and love yourself first (but you already know that) you too Reshi and Katja and Linda and Alias Girl. Do these two things for yourself: Be aware of what you can control (ask, what are those things?) and be aware of what you can’t influence in “your world”. Ponder those questions for a few days and see what happens. I don’t post here often but I read almost everything you all write and I feel so close to you beautiful creatures… I am so in awe of the power and strength, and love and creativity that flows from each of you! I feel like I know you and I feel like I LOVE each of you as a sister. We are all one… we are all connected and I FEEL that in my bones and in my heart and it feels warm and soft and safe and wonderful.

    I have a quick story to share… I’ve been having some interesting experiences with circular dating and as hard as it is sometimes I keep at it. I’ve been emailing back and forth with this cute guy for a few days/weeks and initially he was being girley and feminine so I started to lean waaaay back. Of course he moved toward me, but then he started asking me some inappropriate questions… nothing too terrible but they still made me feel uncomfortable. I’ve been avoiding him for two days because he made me feel “yuck” and I didn’t know what to say exactly, but today I wrote to him and told him I thought we may be looking for different things and that the questions he was asking me were making me feel weird and uncomfortable… I just told the TRUTH! He responded immediately by telling me that he was sorry and that he knew he had crossed the line, said he was “testing” me. Whatever… he’s froggy but I was honest and leaned back and shared my FEELINGS and he came running after me! Mercedes is so right (and Rori too) about being HAPPY… the vibes are soooo strong and sooooo sexy. There are tons of men… lining up all over the place…

    I love you all ***



  81.  #81alias girl on February 14, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    kelly. i feel love back. 🙂 xoxo. i felt touched in my heart when i read your post. i feel like we are raising each other up with each little win.

    baby steps but still i feel progress and satisfaction and more love. more love for self and more love for others. i feel like i am really beginning to see and hear men for the first time. i feel comforted that i am begining to feel like a Real relationship is possible and what it might really be like.i certainly feel high quality. not in a snotty way just a real way.



  82.  #82Kelly on February 15, 2009 at 12:48 am

    I think one of the issues here is that our focus is still on MEN when it needs to be on US! You’ve got it alias girl… keep feeling more and more love for yourself because that’s where all the genuine, REAL love comes from anyway. If any of us think that a man is going to be able to love us “enough” then we’re in for some serious disappointment. We need to take responsibility for our own lives and selves and love US first and fully. It’s all about giving love… radiating love I should say… to ourselves and others… as godesses we are to be great receivers but as Rori teaches, we need to be RADIATIN that love back to others.
    Here’s my secret: every night before I go to bed I write down at least five things I’m grateful for, sometimes more but at least five. Then I turn the page and write an “I Want” “I Have” list (I cross out the word “Want” once I write it) and act “as if” I already have these things I desire… I do my best to truly FEEL how having those things would feel and how life would be. Another thing I do EVERY day is to make sure I GIVE something…every day. I don’t always have the opportunity to give $$$ but I do always have the opportunity to give love and encouragement and kind words. For a long time I was closed off to people, for example, I would only speak to a friend if they called me first, I wasn’t the one reaching out and if no one called, then so what… that’s how I felt. I was closed and unapproachable and hurting and kind of empty. But then I remembered that I needed to give love in order to receive it, in order for the flow of love to come into my life from all directions and all kinds of people including men. So every single day I send at least one loving, encouraging, and heartfelt email to someone in my address book… if I go to bed at night and realize I forgot to do this I force myself to get up and out of bed and I go DO IT! The most amazing love has started to pour into my life because of this small effort I make each day… it FEELS so good and it’s changing my life!

    Today was Valentine’s Day… I met a new guy from Plenty of Fish and prior to our meeting I wasn’t expecting much, just being open to practicing and enjoying a man’s company for a few hours… Well, we met at 4pm in a beautiful little park in a beautiful little shopping and social area close to where I live. I live in FL and today was absolutely gorgeous and warm and sunny and breezy so we sat on a bench and watched the people and the squirrels. I leaned as far back as I could, made eye contact, listened at levels 2 and 3 and opened my vagina sideways! Two and a half hours flew by and we were still chatting away but I had to pee so I told him I needed to find a bathroom and he asked if he could take me to dinner… I said yes and we enjoyed more lovely time together eating and drinking wine and sharing funny stories (me still using the TOOLS!). We finally said goodnight around 10pm, 6 hours with a guy I thought would bore me to death… I used the tools and loved myself and the interesting thing is, is as we were walking to our cars he made a comment as to how confident I was and how attractive that was…HA! He could feel and sense that from me because I was LOVING me FIRST! It really works, so amazingly well… thank you Rori and all of you goddesses for being so open and honest and loving enough to share what’s been going on with you. I learn so much from all of you.

    When I got home tonight I spent a bit of time IM-ing the froggy guy (from my last post on this thread) on the computer and I realized that he’s just using me… he doesn’t want a real relationship (or even a meeting for that matter…) even though he strung me back in the other night with his lame apology… I said to him tonight after over an hour of blah IM-ing, “So when are we going to meet and get this over with already?” He hesitated,,, then typed, “Well, let’s see…” I typed back, “I feel weird taking the lead here so help me out…” I still didn’t get much of a response from him so that’s when I said to myself… he doesn’t want to meet you, he wants to perpetuate this “fantasy” relationship. Well, NO MORE! I am not going to be available at all and I won’t communicate with him that way until after we meet. I don’t even want to meet him actually… he’s had my phone number too and still hasn’t called. YUCK! Too many other great men out there…

    Love to you all…



  83.  #83Daria on February 15, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    Thank you Kelly. That felt really good to read.



  84.  #84Tracy on February 16, 2009 at 3:59 am

    yeah kelly..you go gal!



  85.  #85nir on February 16, 2009 at 7:37 am

    @ Bethany: “Maybe it’s just whatever our impression of the “frog” is is actually an impression we have of ourselves that’s too uncomfortable to look at so we need to see it in others…or the feeling that people trigger in us is the message about ourselves…”

    I don’t know how I missed this before, it really made me think.

    @Reshi: I can really relate to your last riff …

    Thanks for all the congratulations. 🙂

    For Valentine’s day my husband brought the bouquet he usually gets me, but simpler, just some roses in a vase from the store. But it felt different somehow.

    I told him that I felt happy that he thought of me. But then I felt bad that I didn’t get anything for him, because I honestly hadn’t thought of him … and then I thought no, you’re leaning back. So I made a big fuss over the flowers and he seemed just as happy as if I got him something.

    Leaning back is so hard for me, because he plays computer games all the time too, and if I didn’t go over to him I would never see him or get a hug or anything. I just need to not do that, just wait for him to come to me. Ugh, this is difficult.



  86.  #86alias girl on February 17, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    what’s the message? the guy i met in the cafe never called. what’s the message? i scared him? he scared me!! i felt scared?

    what’s the message? some men online that i would have given a chance but they couldn’t even keep a conversation going. and those ones didn’t ask for my phone number. so if their last email was something to the effect of Oh you’re silly. i just didn’t respond back. what’s the message? i hate girley unpursuing men. what’s the message? i don’t want to row the boat. i WILL NOT row the boat no matter how few (zero) men i have in my rotation. i will not not not not not not not not not. i want a man who wants me and wants to crash on my shore.

    what about the men who want to crash on my shore via text message only. what’s the message? who cares. the message is i don’t want a girley timid man. i force myself to do things that frighten me in the dating game. i need a man to step up to the man role. and that is not courting me via text messages. (unless he’s already sort of established himself as a rower/pursuer.)

    what about the men i talked to on the phone who even sounded feminie? one was a proveable liar. what’s the message? i don’t like liars. i am more attracted to men who tell the truth even if it doesn’t put them in the best light. i like the truth. it feels safe and good to me.

    what about the guy who seemed like he waas playing these weird games and when i leaned back he basically went crazy and contacted me with a fury. ew. i don’t know what the message is but it felt reaally scary. the message is i am so glad i paid attention to my feelings and expressed myself.

    what about the guy i felt utterly bored with. i tried level 1, 2, 3 listening. i tried to really get interested and curious. what was the message? he will make a good match for someone else but not me. i didn’t even want to go on a coffee date with him. or even have another conversation with him. oh oh oh i know what the message is? he didn’t reall seem truly interested in me. just more superficial skimming over things trying to get to the next step kind of thing. (he was an accountant and did things like you would expect a cliche of an accountant would. dry. humor was not his strong suit)

    what is the message? i feel bad for being so picky. i feel

    only one coffee date i had do i feel was decent. we weren’t a match but we enjoyed the time together and he was really sweet and thoughtful. i could do coffee dates easy if they were all like that.

    what’s the message? i don’t need to make it about bad or wrong. things are what they are.

    oh and i was flirting with this one guy the other day and he flirted back and i almost immediately shut down bc i felt scared he would fall in love with me or want to take me on



  87.  #87alias girl on February 17, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    a date and i felt sacred. and so then i didn’t respond and then i felt this weird vibe like he shut down to me. which is to be expected. i basically just well on the outside it would seem like i just ignored his advance. aw. i could have used a feeling message there. but i would feel weird going on a date with him i would feel scared. i guess i’l go if he ever gets to asking but i feel uncomfortable. he’s a nice guy though. argh.

    what’s the message? ? ? ? ? i don’t know. it doesn’t always feel clear. i feel scared and vulnerable writing all this for some reason. i’m not trying to criticze these men i have encountered. well maybe some of them. but my intention is to find the message rather than criticize so please allow me some grace in the way i went about it. argh.



  88.  #88nir on February 23, 2009 at 6:39 am

    Alias girl, I can relate to shutting down to guys that like me. I think the message to me is that I don’t like me enough yet to think I deserve love.